Index of OLD ROSS KIRO FILES

NONTHREAT.CBS

300 MILLION.CBS

NORTHKOREA4.CBS

LIDLE.CBS

CBS SAT

DANNATT.CBS

KOREANUKE.CBS

ELECTPOLL.CBS

KOREANUKE.CBS

FOLEY3.CBS

IRAQWARNER.CBS

AMISH2.CBS

FOLEY2.CBS

FOLEY.CBS

DASHBOARD.CBS

BUSHFDR.CBS

APOLOGY.CBS

BUSHUN.CBS

BUSHHUGO.CBS

TELEVISION.CBS

CHAVEZ.CBS

MUSHARRAF.CBS

SAFER.CBS

RICE.CBS

INTELLIGENCE.CBS

OWENS.CBS

NASABOLT.CBS

GLOBALWA.CBS

CONSPIRACY.CBS

POPE.CBS

911ANNIVERSARY.CBS

OSAMA.CBS

DOCUDRAMA.CBS

IRWIN.CBS 09/05/06

LABORDAY.CBS

BUMSOUT.CBS

TIMETABLE.CBS

BUSHSPEECH.CBS

RUMSFELD.CBS

AIRRIOT.CBS

TOMCRUISE.CBS

BOMBSCARE.CBS

LIEBERMAN.CBS

GASPRICE.CBS*

POISONFOOD.CBS*

OZONE.CBS

STALKING.CBS

JONBENET2.CBS

HEZBOLLAH4.CBS

HEZBOLLAH.CBS

FATMEALS.CBS

BOMBPLO2.CBS

BOMBPLOT.CBS

IRAQEXIT.CBS

OILPIPE.CBS

LIEBERMAN.CBS

CIVILWAR.CBS

CONSPIRACY.CBS

NAVEED HAQ.CBS

BORDERID.CBS

CASTRO.CBS

TESTOSTERONE2.CBS

GAY MARRIAGE CBS

GIBSON.CBS

EXXON.CBS

IRAQTROOPS.CBS

HEZBOLLAH.CBS

HEATWAVE.CBS

BLACKOUT.CBS

LEBANON3.CBS

STEMCELL.CBS 07/19/06 12:

SONICS

MUSTAPHA.CBS

MISSILETEST.CBS

IPSOSPOLL.CBS

DATABASE.CBS

FCCDIRTY.CBS

BUSHSTEM.CBS

DEFICIT.CBS

UNKOREA.CBS

TAEPODONG.CBS

FLAGBURN.CBS

ROGERS.CBS

AFGANISTAN.CBS

BUFFET.CBS

IRAQKILL.CBS

NORTHKOR.CBS

IRAQECON.CBS

IRAQMEMO.CBS

NORTH KOREA

BUSHBAGHDAD.CBS

2500DEAD.CBS

BILLGATES.CBS

ZARQAWI.CBS

IMMIGRATION.CBS

IDOL.CBS

GOUGING.CBS

MYSPACE

FENCE.CBS

RUDEUS.CBS

IMMIGR16.CBS

HISPANI5.CBS

NSANUMBER2.CBS

NSANUMBERS.CBS

CIACHIEF.CBS

BLAINE.CBS

RUMSFELD LIES

KENNEDY

MOUSSAOUI.CBS

GASPLASMA.CBS

IMMIGRA02.CBS

STARSPANGLED.CBS

CBS MASSAOU3

CBS BUSHWAR5

CBS APOCALYP

CBS DEBT/FILLINBLANKS

CBS MARCHMAD

CBS IRAQWA10

CBS SPACEWE2

CBS IRAQWAR

CBS FILL IN BLANKS

CBS OSCAR

CBS AVEMARIA

CBS BROKEBACK

CBS KATRIN4

CBS VEGETAB1

CBS BODE

CBS HILLARY5

CBS GLOBAL3

CBS FILLINBLANKS

CBS PORTS

CBS EPOCHTIMES

CBS IRAQWAR

CBS HUNTING4

CBS HUNTING2

CBS HUNTING

CBS CARTOON4

KIRO SONICS

CBS EAVESDR3

CBS TRASHTALK

CBS BUSHSOU

CBS EXXON

CBS HAMAS2

CBS RAIBLE

CBS KATRIN35

CBS SEAHAWKS

CBS EAVESDR2

CBS OSAMA2

CBS LOBBYIST

CBS NAGIN

CBS NIGER

CBS NEONJESUS

CBS BUSHIRA4

CBS BUSHIRA

CBS EAVESDROP

CBS IRAQVOTE3

CBS IRAQVOTE2

CBS TOOKIE

CBS IRAQVOTE

CBS NBACODE

CBS SHOOTIN2

CBS RICE1

CBS SADDAM10

CBS 911COMMISS

CBS SUNTZU

CBS PROPOGAN

CBS CHRISTM5

CBS SADDAM9

CBS FIRESIDE

CBS IFOUGHT2

CBS TRAVEL

CBS RUMSFEL2

CBS TACOMA

CBS EBOMB

CBS MURTHA

CBS CHENEY2

CBS WMDLOOSE

CBS JORDAN3

CBS DOVER

CBS JORDAN2

CBS GOUGING

CBS INTELLI4

CBS 912NO

CBS FRANCE

CBS BUDGET1

CBS CIAJAILS

CBS SCOOTER1

CBS INDICT2

CBS GASBLANK

CBS MIERS7

CBS CIALEAK3

CBS WILMA2

CBS TAXREFORM

CBS HARRIET

CBS WILMA

CBS GASPRI11

CBS MIERS5

CBS BIRDFLU

CBS HARRIET4

CBS 912

CBS DISASTER

CBS MIERS4

CBS BUSHWAR3

CBS HARRIET2

CBS BUSHWAR2

CBS HARRIET

CBS IRAQTROO

CBS DELAY2

CBS DELAY

CBS BROWN

CBS GASUSE

CBS SHEEHAN3

CBS RITA5

CBS RITA4

CBS JETBLUE

CBS RITA(2)

CBS CLINTON6

CBS KATRIN34

CBS PLEDGE3

CBS ROBERT10

CBS KATRIN33

CBS KATRINA32

CBS KATRINA(8)

CBS KATRIN24

CBS KATRIN20

CBS KATRIN14

CBS KATRINA

CBS KATRINA

CBS KATRINA9

CBS KATRINA2

CBS LEGION

CBS IRAQCON4

CBS ARMSTRONG

CBS CHAVEZ

CBS GASPRICES9

CBS JAGGER

CBS BOREDOM

CBS SHUTTLE6

CBS DAYLIGHT

CBS SHEEP

CBS RESSAM

CBS SHUTTLE2

CBS IRAQBODY

CBS LONDON4

CBS LONDON3

CBS NRA

CBS POTTER4

CBS PEWSURVEY

CBS PIMENTEL

CBS REHNQUIST

CBS ROVE

CBS TIMEWASTE

CBS IRAQWITHDRAW

CBS LONDON2

CBS MIA BLOOM

CBS LONDON2

CBS LONDON 7/7

CBS G8

CBS IRAQ1776

CBS CRUISE

CBS SOUTER

CBS BUSHSPEECH

CBS DIAMOND

CBS CIZIK

CBS DIAMOND

CBS IRAQHEAR

CBS NAZITALK

CBS SADDAM

CBS SOLSTICE

CBS HOMEWARD

CBS IRAQWITH

CBS DOWNING2

CBS JACKSON7

CBS PATRIOT

CBS WHITECHRISTIAN

CBS WHITECHRISTIAN

CBS PULSE

CBS BULLIES

CBS SADDAMT3

CBS MOVEON

CBS JACKSON6

CBS TRUST

CBS DEEPTHROAT

CBS JIMWEST3

CBS JACKSON5

CBS FILIBUSTER(2)

CBS FILIBUSTER

CBS NEWSWEEK

CBS OLDFINGER

CBS CARCHASE

CBS BASECLOSURES

CBS CESSNA2

CBS PENSION

CBS NORTHKOREA

CBS SCANDAL

CBS REAL ID

CBS RUNAWAY2

CBS RUNAWAY

CBS REFINERY

CBS SAUDIGAS2

CBS GASTAX2

CBS SAUDIGAS

CBS RATZING2

CBS OKLAHOMA

CBS FILLINBLANKS

CBS WATERKILL

CBS TAX DAY

CBS IDENTITY

CBS GERMS

CBS JACKSON4

CBS IRAQCUT2

CBS FUNERAL1

CBS CORNYN

CBS POPEHEART

CBS JOHNPAUL2

CBS JOHNPAUL

CBS SCHIAVO(8)

CBS GRAMMER

CBS SCHIAVO7

CBS SCHIAVO6

CBS SCHIAVO5

CBS SCHIAVO4

CBS SCHIAVO3

CBS SCHIAVO2

CBS STEROIDS

CBS ANWR

CBS BUSHCOMP

CBS ASHLEY

CBS ASHLEY

CBS STEROID(2)

CBS SHOOTING

CBS BANKRUPT

CBS GAY MARRIAGE

CBS GUNS

CBS GAS PRICES

CBS MARTHA

CBS SOCSEC2

CBS SOCSEC

CBS TENCOMM

CBS ZARQAWI

CBS GATES3

CBS OSCARS

CBS PUTIN

CBS SUMMIT2

CBS FELONS

CBS KYOTO(2)

CBS CLASS ACT

CBS VIOXX

CBS TERROR

CBS KYOTO

CBS JACKSON

CBS IRAQ ELECTION

CBS MILLER

CBS NORTH KOREA

CBS IRAN NUKE

CBS BUDGET

CBS TRUCE

CBS SUPERBOWL

CBS SOCIAL SECURITY 2

CBS CHURCHILL

CBS SOCIAL SECURITY

CBS IRAQ SUCCESS

CBS FOREHEAD

CBS IRAQ ELECTION

CBS BUSTER

CBS IRAQ ELECTION

CBS DERAIL

CBS BUSHCON2

CBS SPONGEBOB

CBS INAUGURAL

CBS COUNTER INAUGURAL

CBS INAUGURATION

CBS OSCAR

CBS PYRAMID

CBS APHRODISIAC

CBS STEROIDS

CBS IRAQSERV

CBS 60 MINUTES

CBS SOCIAL SECURITY

CBS AID & TERRORISM

CBS BAGHDAD

CBS TSUNAMI

CBS STUPIDITY

CBS INTELLIGENT

CBS NEW ECONOMY

CBS IMMIGRANTS

CBS MERRY CHRISTMAS

CBS NATGUARD

CBS SCARY SANTA

CBS RECOUNT

KIRO RECOUNT

CBS RUMSFELD IRAQ

CBS OSAMA

CBS INTELLIGENCE

CBS MEDAL OF FREEDOM

CBS RECOUNT

CBS PETERSON

CBS EAVESDROPPING

CBS RUMSFELD2

CBS RUMSFELD

CBS SOLDIERS

CBS AFGHANISTAN

CBS INTEL REFORM

CBS DRAFT

CBS STEROIDS

CBS READING BILLS

CBS DAN RATHER

CBS THANKSGIVING

CBS OBESITY

CBS SHOPPING

CBS TRIANGLE OF DEATH

CBS NFL

CBS TAX REFORM

CBS PAY YOUR MORTGAGE

CBS BRAWL

CBS COLIN POWELL

CBS ARAFAT

CBS ARAFAT GUNS

CBS EVOLUTION

CBS ASHCROFT

KIRO SOCIAL SECURITY

CBS GLOBAL WARMING

KIRO HANGOVER

CBS 911 REPORT

CBS POLITICAL MATCH

CBS GAY MARRIAGE

CBS CHENEY

CBS TOM RIDGE

CBS OUTING

CBS EDWARDS2

CBS CIA

CBS ENRON

CBS JOHN EDWARDS

CBS DIVIDED

CBS COSBY

CBS SADDAM TRIAL

CBS IRAQGUNS

CBS SADDAM revised

CBS MICHAEL MOBBS

CBS IRAQ HANDOVER

CBS MORE IRAQ VIOLENCE

CBS LUNA

CBS LAWSUITS

CBS RUTAN

CBS GAS PRICES

CBS JOHNSON

CBS SHOOT DOWN

CBS REASON TO INVADE

CBS 9/11 COMMISSION

CBS RUTAN

CBS SPAM

CBS ENRON

CBS REAGAN2

CBS REAGAN

CBS STEM CELL

CBS TEXT PROTEST

CBS ECONOMY

CBS CHALABI

CBS METEOR

CBS DRUG CARDS

CBS MEMORIAL

CBS GAS PRICES

CBS JIM DYKE

CBS STICK IT TO THEM

CBS INTEL

CBS FANTASIA

CBS CAMERAS BANNED 5/24/

CBS STICK IT TO THEM

CBS WAR CHEERLEADERS

CBS GAS PRICES

CBS RAMSEY

CBS MICHAEL BERG

CBS GOOD NEWS

CBS BEHEADING

CBS BAGGY PANTS

CBS APOLOGY

CBS BLAME THE DEAD

CBS FRIENDS

CBS HAMILL

CBS IRAQ SURVEY

CBS MICHAEL JACKSON

CBS ENERGY SECRETS

CBS PATRIOT ACT

CBS SAFER

CBS DRAFT 2

CBS BIN LADEN

CBS STANDING FIRM

BAGHDAD SCRIPTS

KIMMITT.CBS 04/13/04 9:13

CBS BUSH SPEECH

CBS TAX CHEATERS

CBS GAS

CBS FALLUJAH

CBS RICE

CBS GAS

CBS CONDOLEEZZA

CBS DAVE IN BAGHDAD

CBS FETUS BILL

CBS PLEDGE

CBS 911 COMMISSION 2

CBS CLARKE CRITICISM

CBS CLARKE

CBS DRAFT

CBS ONE YEAR LATER

CBS A SAFER WORLD

CBS NEG ADS

CBS SPAIN

CBS SPAIN

CBS MADRID BLAME

CBS MADRID ATTACK

CBS MADRID ATTACK 3/11/2

CBS IRAQ

CBS FAT

CBS MARTHA HONESTY

CBS MARTHA IN JAIL

CBS GAY AMSTERDAM

CBS CAMPAIGN COMMERCIALS

CBS GAY KISSING

CBS GAY MARRIAGE

CBS IRAQ

CBS INDECENT

KIRO PASSION 2

CBS PASSION 1

CBS CRECHE

CBS FOOTBALL

CBS MARRIAGE AMENDMENT

KIRO PASSION

CBS NADER

CBS SKILLING

CBS WISCONSIN

CBS A ROD

CBS ESPIONAGE

CBS GAY ROBERTSON

CBS INDCENCY

CBS GAY MARRIAGE

CBS NATIONAL GUARD

CBS BUSH

CBS NADER

CBS BRUCIA

CBS PRIMARY RESULTS

CBS SUPERBOWL

CBS JACKSON !

CBS OSAMA !

CBS NEW HAMPSHIRE WEDS

CBS NEW HAMPSHIRE TUES

CBS NEW HAMPSHIRE MON

CBS_SAT JERVIS

CBS NEW HAMPSHIRE WEDS

CBS WMD MISSING

CBS NEW HAMPSHIRE2

CBS NEW HAMPSHIRE

CBS VOTE

CBS STATE OF UNION

CBS IOWA DEAN

CBS IOWA

CBS MILLIONAIRES

CBS JACKSON

FATTEEN.CBS 01/06/04 8:13

CBS IOWA

CBS MARRIAGE

CBS O'NEILL

CBS AL SHARPTON

CBS DRIVE THRU HACKER

CBS ON TO MARS

CBS NO WMD

CBS BRITNEY

CBS BLAME CANADA

CBS PLANES CANCELLED

CBS NEW YEARS

CBS DOWNER CATTLE

BOEING KIRO

CBS ARAB DEFEATS

CBS INTERROGATION

CBS SCHWARTZ*

CBS IRAQ TIMED

CBS DICTATOR BOY UPDATE

CBS IRAQ CONTRACTS

CBS DEAN ENDORSED

CBS DEBATE

CBS BAGHDAD SCANDAL

CBS VIET DINH

CBS MOON

CBS BLANKS ABERCROMBIE

CBS WAL MART WINS

CBS CHRISTMAS SALES

CBS BUSH IN BAGHDAD

CBS THANKSGIVING

CBS TRAVEL

CBS MEDICARE PASSES

CBS MEDICARE

CBS FILIBUSTER

CBS SOLDIER'S PARADISE

CBS BUSH SPEECH

CBS McCAIN

CBS BUSH DEMOCRACY

CBS THE DRAFT

CBS GREEN RIVER

KIRO GREEN RIVER

CBS DENVER MELLOW

KIRO INIT 841

CBS AFGHANISTAN

CBS IRAQ HEARTS MINDS

CBS FIRE GALLEGLY

CBS FIRES AND BUREAUCRACY

INIT 776 KIRO ONLY

CBS FIRES

CBS CALIFORNIA FIRES

SONG BEING LEAN

CBS BOYKIN

CBS SPAM

CBS PARTIAL BIRTH

CBS SNIPER

CBS GOOD NEWS

CBS IRAQ UN

CBS KOBE

CBS PLEDGE SCOTUS

CBS NRA LIST

CBS LETTERS

CBS SIX MONTHS

CBS ARNOLD'S PLAN

CBS SCHWARTZ*

CBS ARNOLD WINS

CBS ARNOLD WINS

CBS SCHWARTZ*

CBS ARNOLD WINS

CBS BLANKS ARNOLD

CBS SHOOT DOWNS

CBS WEAPONS BLUFF

CBS RUSH & ARNOLD

CBS INVESTIGATION

CBS DO NOT CALL 2

CBS CALIFORNIA

CBS BUSH UN

CBS UN/KISSING

CBS DEFICIT

CBS ISABEL2

CBS MISLED

CBS LATTE

CBS PAT ROBERTSON

CBS CHENEY

CBS FOOD PYRAMID

CBS JOHNNY CASH

CBS NEVER FORGET

CBS STOWAWAY

CBS RECALL UPDATE

CBS BUSH SPEECH

CBS NORTH KOREA

CBS COW POT

CBS CIA INTEL NOT USED

CBS ARNOLD

CBS TEN COMMANDMENTS

CBS GAS PRICE

CBS ELECTRICITY

CBS IRAQ

CBS 76 UNKNOWNS

CBS MSBLASTER

CBS RECALL

CBS KOBE

CBS CALIFORNIA

CBS SCHWARZENEGGER

CBS TOUCHING

CBS ROBINSON

CBS EPISCOPAL

CBS SAUDI GAP

CBS DEAD SONS

CBS 9 11 INVESTIGATION

CBS UDAY & QUSAY

CBS LYNCH

JUST A CLOSER WALK

CBS BUDGET LETTER

CBS ROBERTSON

CBS FORGERY

CBS FOOD LABELS

CBS POLL

CBS RUMSFELD

CBS 9/11 INVESTIGATION

CBS LIBERIA

CBS SUMMER JOBS

CBS DRUGS

CBS JULY 4

CBS BRING 'EM ON

CBS KRAFT

IRAQNEWS.CBS 06/19/03 8:4

CBS QUAGMIRE

CBS GAY PRIDE

CBS SODOMY

CBS X RAY

CBS IRAQ BRITISH

CBS AFFIRMATIVE

CBS WARRIOR CHALLENGE

CBS MONKEYPOX

CBS WMD INTELLIGENCE

CBS HAMAS 6/12/2003

CBS ALQAEDA

CBS HILLARY

CBS MARTHA

CBS HILLARY

CBS WMD UPDATE

CBS WMD UPDATE

CBS FOOD PYRAMID

CBS LYNCH

CBS GERM TRAILERS

CBS SPITTING

CBS BLANKS DRIVING

CBS MEMORIAL DAY

CBS RELIGION SAT

CBS ORANGE

CBS IDOL IRAQ

CBS SECURITY

CBS ACCURACY 5/19/2003

CBS BOMB LISTENERS SAT

CBS FRENCH ANGER

CBS DISARM IRAQ

CBS SHOOTING LOOTERS 2

CBS SHOOTING LOOTERS

CBS ATTACKS

CBS STRIP CLUBS

CBS IRAN

CBS BUSH NRA

CBS PROMISES

CBS BUSH SPEECH

CBS MIKE PRICE

CBS ENVY

CBS SHOOTING

CBS IT's OVER

CBS LEADERSHIP

CBS RUMSFELD

CBS BLANKS IRAQ

CBS FREEDOM AND RELIGION

CBS HOW MUCH TRUTH

CBS LEAVING IRAQ

CBS WMD

CBS WEAPONS2

CBS ELECTIONS

CBS SYRIA

CBS WEAPONS

CBS POWER

CBS WEAPONS

CBS FREEDOM

CBS IRAQ IMPROV

CBS NON PROLIFERATION

CBS SMART2

CBS GEOGRAPHY

CBS DELAY

CBS Mr ROGERS

CBS JUST WAR

CBS ACCENT

CBS TERROR WAR

CBS BUSH IF

CBS SURRENDER SADDAM

CBS TWO ENEMIES

CBS IRAQ UPDATE

CBS COST

CBS WOLFOWITZ

CBS Mr ROGERS

CBS SADDAM DEBATE

CBS DICTATOR BOY

CBS GRAMMIES PROTEST

CBS READY

CBS NIGHTCLUB

CBS PRESIDENTIAL TIME

CBS SADDAM'S ARK

CBS BLANKS MILLIONAIRE

CBS ACCOUNTABILITY

CBS GAS PRICES 2

CBS WAR AND PEACE

CBS DUCT TAPE

CBS IRAQ UPDATE

CBS ORANGES

CBS ORANGES

CBS EVIDENCE

CBS SHUTTLE 2

CBS SHUTTLE MON

CBS SPEECH

CBS MANDELA

CBS HYDROGEN

CBS EVIDENCE

CBS INSPECTORS REPORT

CBS ABORTION*SAT

CBS BLANKS IRAQ2

CBS McDONALDS

CBS DECLARATION of WAR

CBS CASE FOR WAR

CBS GOLDEN GLOBES

CBS RESUME 2 SAT

CBS SUV TAXES

CBS IRAQ UPDATE

CBS RACE RESUMES

CBS KOREA 1/13/2003

CBS RITTER TUES

CBS INSPECTORS

CBS TV ADS

CBS KOREA

CBS ECONOMIC INCENTIVES

CBS MISSILE

CBS MEDICARE

CBS MAZZAFAR rev

CBS SLEEPING SCREENER

CBS PARTY NATION

CBS WAR COST

CBS NORTH KOREA

CBS IRAQ BLANKS

CBS LOTT

CBS ODOR

CBS IRAQ

CBS TRENT3

CBS GORE

CBS STROM

CBS NUCLEAR SITES

CBS NUCLEAR SITES

CBS STROM

CBS LOTT2

CBS NUCLEAR

CBS TRENT LOTT

CBS IRAQ LIST

CBS UNITED BANKRUPT

CBS IRAQ HAS NOTHING

CBS CELLPHONES

CBS PALESTINE POLL

CBS BUY NOTHING DAY

CBS THANK YOU IRAQ

CBS BLANKS FATWAH

CBS POLLUTION

CBS QWEST

CBS LIVING CELL

CBS FBI

CBS TEN COMMANDMENTS

CBS IRAQ INSPECTORS

CBS IRAQ BY THE NUMBERS

CBS WARNINGS

CBS IRAQ ACCEPTS

CBS BIN LADEN

CBS IRAQ

CBS JACKASS

CBS ATHEIST SAT

CBS UN RESOLUTION

CBS REPUBLICANS

CBS ELECTION

CBS VOTE 11/04/2002

CBS COLOSSUS

CBS GUN STOLEN

CBS HAITIANS

CBS GUNSHOP

CBS MUHAMMAD SLOW

CBS DAYS OFF

CBS WHO WAS WRONG

CBS SNIPER FRI

CBS SNIPER CAUGHT

CBS SNIPER WEDS

CBS SNIPER TUES

CBS SNIPER VAN

CBS VATICAN

CBS NORTH KOREA2

CBS NORTH KOREA

CBS SNIPER DILEMMA

CBS LONGSHORE

CBS SADDAM ELECTION

CBS NOBEL

CBS SNIPER

CBS DASCHLE

CBS MARYLAND GUN

CBS BUSH

CBS LONGSHORE

CBS BLIX

CBS NUCLEAR COST

CBS DUEL

CBS NEW JERSEY

CBS INSPECTORS

CBS McDERMOTT2

CBS ANSWERS

CBS UNCONDITIONAL

CBS HOMELAND

CBS BEES

CBS DOSSIER

CBS TOOGOOD

CBS SAT 9/14/2002

CBS FRI 9/13/2002

CBS McDERMOTT

CBS THE LONE RANGER

CBS INTELLIGENCE

CBS INSPECTORS

CBS TUES 9/10/2002

CBS MON IRAQ 9/9/2002

CBS MED STUDENTS

CBS IRAQ ELECTIONS

CBS IRAQ ELECTIONS

CBS MISS CAROLINA

CBS KEIKO

CBS IRAQ

CBS LABOR DAY

CBS DOCTOR

CBS SCHOOL

CBS BASEBALL

CBS AIR MARSHALS

CBS CERTIFY

CBS GENE MODIFIED

CBS US AIRWAYS

CBS DRIVERS

CBS IRAQ

CBS OBESITY

CBS STOCKS BLANKS

CBS ADVERTISING

CBS TIME MAG

CBS SKATING MAFIA

CBS SCOTT RITTER

CBS TAX DODGE

CBS MINERS

CBS TOPLESS

CBS MOUSSAOUI

CBS RUNNION

CBS MUTUAL SPYING

CBS STOCKS BLANKS

CBS LINDH GUILTY

CBS POLIO

CBS McCAIN

CBS WALL STREET

CBS HIJACKERS

CBS WALL STREET

CBS TED WILLIAMS

CBS WALL STREET WORDS

CBS PLEDGE2

CBS PLEDGE

CBS WORLDCOM

CBS MARTHA STEWART

CBS AMTRAK

CBS RUSH HOUR

CBS SOUTHWEST OBESE

CBS SOCCER

CBS FAST FOOD

CBS ELECTRIC FENCE

CBS FIRE

CBS VOTF

CBS ORCA

CBS DIRTY BOMB2

CBS THERMOS BOTTLES

CBS BISHOPS

CBS DIRTY BOMB

CBS SAT STOCKS

CBS HOMELAND

CBS SLOW TONGUE

CBS NUCLEAR

CBS SPIES

CBS RESCUE

CBS TAILGATING

CBS CLEANUP OVER

CBS AMATEUR TERROR

CBS STAR WARS

CBS MEMORIAL

CBS CAMPING

CBS CHANDRA

CBS MUELLER

CBS NEW YORK THREAT

CBS WARNINGS

CBS BUSH PRINCE

CBS FBI MEMO

CBS BLANKS STAR WARS

CBS BUSH PHOTO

CBS NUKE TREATY

CBS CUBA CARTER

CBS AB BELTS

CBS SIEGE OVER

CBS THONG

CBS TERRORISTS

CBS MAILBOX 5/6/2002

CBS ENRON SCAM

CBS GAS PRICES

CBS ARAFAT 4/29/2002

JERUSALEM SCRIPTS

CBS SAT YAD VASHEM

CBS FRI ARAFAT

CBS ENERGY

CBS GATES SAT

CBS CARDINAL GEORGE

CBS PRIESTS

CBS VATICAN

CBS ALTERNATIVE SAT

CBS MUSCLE PILL

CBS CLONING3

CBS AIRPORT

CBS DRINKING

CBS ISRAEL3

CBS POWELL

CBS RUDENESS

CBS PEACE PLAN

CBS WHAT NEXT

CBS ARAFAT

CBS ISRAEL2

CBS ISRAEL

CBS TVVIOLENCE

CBS WAR

CBS ISRAEL

CBS ENRON19

CBS OSCARS

CBS ICE SHELF

CBS LIQUOR2

CBS NRA

CBS CAMPAIGN FINANCE

CBS DRUG TESTING

CBS BLANKS

CBS WHITEY

CBS CARPOOL DUMMY

CBS MILEAGE

CBS YATES

CBS LETTERMAN

CBS MUSLIM SURVEY

CBS PEARL4

CBS ISRAEL2

CBS ENRON18

CBS HELICOPTER DOWN

CBS GRENADE

CBS YATES2

CBS SHADOW

CBS PEARL3

CBS ENRON17

CBS DANIEL PEARL

CBS STRATEGIC INFLUENCE

CBS SAT ENRON

CBS HUGHES

CBS TRUTH2

CBS DOG MAULING

CBS PROPAGANDA

CBS SKATING3 update

CBS ENRON16*

CBS CAMPAIGN2*

CBS SKATING4 *

CBS SKATING3*

CBS CAMPAIGN

CBS SKATING2

CBS CAMPAIGN

CBS ENRON LAY

CBS GRETA

CBS FIGURE SKATING2

CBS LINDH NOT GUILTY

CBS CAMPAIGN FINANCE

CBS FIGURE SKATING

CBS CURLING

CBS GLOBAL CROSSING

CBS CHEATING

CBS STOCKS

CBS ENRON15

CBS OLYMPICS

CBS TALIBAN

CBS CONDOMS

CBS COCKPIT

CBS ENRON14

CBS IRAN

CBS LAY

CBS SATAN

CBS SCREENING

CBS WARNINGS

CBS ENRON13

CBS McWHORTLE

CBS STATE OF THE UNION

CBS LAY

CBS DRAPES

CBS TAINTED MONEY

CBS SAUDIS

CBS TELEMARKETING SAT*

CBS PRIUS

CBS DEFICIT

CBS WALKER IN COURT

CBS TYSON

CBS BUSH ENRON

CBS ENRON BUSH

CBS BLACK HAWK DOWN

CBS TAX CODE

CBS BLANKS ENRON

CBS ENRON SONG

CBS ENRON6

CBS POTTER SAT

CBS ENRON E MAIL

CBS ENRON11

CBS BAGGAGE

CBS McCAIN1

CBS ENRON10

CBS JOHN WALKER

CBS ENRON9

CBS BROWNE

CBS ENRON7

CBS ENRON

CBS CASTRO

CBS SECURITY2

CBS HOCKEY TRIAL

CBS SECURITY

CBS POLLUTION

CBS YATES

CBS TAMPA

CBS IN GOD MOTTO

CBS MUSLIMS

CBS MICROSOFT DIVIDEND

CBS SECRET SERVICE

CBS BUDDY

CBS SECURITY

CBS MOUSSAOUI

CBS STOCKS

CBS COME TO KABUL

CBS BANISHED WORDS

CBS KASHMIR

CBS SECURITY

CBS WALKER2

CBS STIMULUS

CBS HOSTING BIN LADEN

CBS JOHN WALKER

CBS INATTENTIVE

CBS STIMULUS2

CBS CRAZY DRIVERS

CBS COMPENSATION

CBS WALKER2

CBS BLAME FLORIDA

CBS BLAME FLORIDA

CBS BLAME FLORIDA

CBS MEN WITH BEER

CBS ESCAPED

CBS O'LEARY

CBS FIREPROOFING

CBS FAT

CBS TAPE REACTION

CBS LIQUOR

CBS SURRENDER 12/12/200

CBS NEVER FORGET

CBS DECEMBER 11

CBS TAPE

CBS TORA BORA

CBS END GAME

CBS DECEMBER 11

CBS HEKMATYAR

CBS BASEBALL

CBS OMAR

CBS WALKER3

CBS WALKER2

CBS GUN LAW

CBS SURRENDER

CBS GUILT/

CBS HUMILIATION/

CBS HARRISON

CBS ENRON

CBS JOHN WALKER

CBS ARAFAT

CBS GINGER

CBS ISRAEL

CBS OMNI

CBS CLERICS WITH GUNS

CBS DEFINING TERRORISM

CBS TORA BORA

CBS STIMULUS

CBS GRADING PAPERS

CBS LUGGAGE

CBS MARINES LAND

CBS CLONING

CBS TRAVEL

CBS I FOUGHT THE MALL

CBS SONG AIRPORT

CBS MAKA MINI MART

CBS THANKSGIVING

CBS YAAR2

CBS RETAIL SALES

CBS DEATH TOLL

CBS WOMEN

CBS REWARD

CBS WOMEN

CBS SNOOKERED

CBS WHO'S IN CHARGE

CBS UNEMPLOYMENT

CBS SECURITY

CBS FOOD

CBS SKY MARSHALL

CBS RED CROSS

CBS KABUL2

CBS KABUL FALLS

CBS SECURITY

CBS CRASH

CBS CONTRACTION

CBS STIMULATION

CBS EAVESDROPPING

CBS ORDER #13224

CBS ANTI HOAX

CBS BLANKS EXPLOSIVES

CBS MARIJUANA

CBS BRIDGES

CBS COMMUNISM

CBS BLANKS SECURITY

CBS KNIVES SLOW

CBS ANTHRAX in AMERICA

CBS SILLY QUESTIONS

CBS LINDA BOWLES

CBS BOMBS ISLAMIC

CBS AIRPORT SECURITY

CBS FLU SHOT

CBS NUCLEAR

CBS SILENT MAJORITY

CBS GIVE WAR A CHANCE

CBS WARNINGS2

CBS WARNINGS

CBS JOINT STRIKE

CBS ANTHRAX10

CBS ANTHRAX7

CBS MUSLIMS

CBS JOKES/SAT

CBS CRONES

CBS BEHAVE

CBS PATRIOT ACT

CBS ANTHRAX6

CBS NO VIRGINS

CBS ANTHRAX5

CBS YANKEES 10/23/2

CBS SPORES

CBS PRO AMERICAN

CBS DIRECT MAIL SAT

CBS FIGHTING BACK

CBS ENERGY POLICY

CBS IRON YOUR MAIL

CBS ANTHRAX4

CBS PROPAGANDA

CBS ANTHRAX3

CBS QUESTIONS

CBS ANTHRAX2

CBS BLANKS OSAMA

CBS DON'T PANIC

CBS SELF DEFENSE

CBS TERRORIST FUNDRAISER

CBS GOD'S CODE

CBS FRIENDLY WARNINGS

CBS FBI WARNINGS

CBS ONE MONTH LATER

CBS ALERT

CBS CHENEY

CBS FALSE ALARMS

CBS UN CASUALTIES

CBS SKYJACKING

CBS DEATH TOLL

CBS PEACE MOVEMENT

CBS COLOMBIA

CBS HEROIN

CBS HARRY POTTER

CBS ANTHRAX

CBS PEACE PROTESTORS

CBS BUS ATTACK

CBS BLAIR SPEECH

CBS PRIVACY

CBS TALIBAN IN CONTROL

CBS UNITY

CBS MICHAEL JORDAN

CBS SACRIFICES

CBS ATTA LETTER

CBS AGREEMENT

CBS TERRORISM

CBS AFRAID TO FLY

CBS OMAR

CBS TAX HAVENS

CBS PLEDGE

CBS FLYING WHILE ARAB

CBS COCKPIT GUNS

CBS NEW YORK SCRIPTS

CBS TAX HAVENS

CBS WORLD TRADE11

CBS WORLD TRADE10

CBS WORLD TRADE 9

CBS WORLD TRADE 8

CBS WORLD TRADE5

CBS WORLD TRADE 6

CBS WORLD TRADE3

CBS WORLD TRADE2

CBS WORLD TRADE

CBS TAX CUTS

CBS ANTI AGING

CBS SLOW WELLNESS

CBS MICROSOFT

CBS LOCKBOX

CBS SHARK FEEDING

CBS MARINERS

CBS DOONESBURY

CBS CENTER SCHOOL

CBS RED LIGHTS

CBS GERMS

CBS FEEL YOUR PAIN

CBS RACE CONFERENCE

CBS LABOR

CBS SLOW DUCKS

CBS SIGMA 16

CBS LITTLE LEAGUE

CBS BLANKS DOW

CBS SUICIDE2

CBS TAX PAYMENTS

CBS WASTE DUMP

CBS SUICIDE

CBS CONDIT

CBS SURPLUS

CBS CONDIT4

CBS GUNS

CBS IRAQ

CBS ARTHUR RHODES

CBS THE GAP

CBS GARY CONDIT

CBS POWERBALL

CBS SURPLUS

CBS COLLEGE

CBS GILDED CAGE

CBS AIR POLLUTION

CBS JAPAN FRAUD

CBS KETCHUP SAT

CBS KETCHUP SAT

CBS NEW JERSEY

CBS CELL PHONES

CBS RED LIGHT

CBS CASKET

CBS BURGER KING

CBS TREASURY BORROWS

CBS BRAIN DRAIN

CBS ENERGY3

CBS RED LIGHT

CBS TV COARSE

CBS JOYSTICK

CBS HANSSEN

CBS FOOD

CBS LA VERKIN

CBS TEN COMMANDMENTS

CBS CONDIT

CBS GERM WARFARE

CBS V CHIP 2

CBS SLOW STUDENT SUSPENDE

CBS SOCIAL SECURITY

CBS STEM CELLS

CBS WARMING

CBS ASTROLOGY

CBS POPE

CBS CHEATING

CBS CHECKS

CBS ASSIGNMENT 7/13/2001

CBS CINCINNATI2 7/19/200

CBS CINCINNATI

CBS POWER

CBS CINCINNATI

CBS STEMCELL3

CBS FBI

CBS CHINA RUSSIA

CBS CHENEY

CBS MISSILE TEST

CBS STRIKE ZONE

CBS DRUG

CBS OAKLEY DEADBEAT

CBS CAMPAIGN FINANCE

CBS DRUG

CBS OLYMPICS

CBS SALVATION ARMY

CBS CONDIT

CBS SEATTLE ALL STAR

CBS STEM CELL

CBS MARRIAGE

CBS CONDIT

CBS AIR RAGE

CBS 401K

CBS RETAINER

CBS SAT LIES

CBS BRIAN DALTON

CBS CONDIT

CBS LONG DISTANCE 7/05/20

CBS ALL STAR 7/5/2001

CBS FACEIT

CBS RENTAL CAR

CBS ALL STAR

CBS ALL STAR MON

CBS CHENEY HEART

CBS MICROSOFT

CBS HMOs

CBS PUTIN

CBS JAPANESE

CBS CELL PHONES

CBS NCAA

CBS SWEEPSTAKES

CBS YATES

CBS POST PARTUM

CBS LOTTERY

CBS BARTELLS

CBS OIL MEMO

CBS VITAMIN C

CBS PLEDGE

CBS BOZO

CBS SLOW MULTIPLE

CBS MARINERS

CBS KYLLO 2

CBS McVEIGH4

CBS PASSENGERS

CBS GAS SHORTAGE

CBS TAX CUT

CBS McVEIGH

CBS SMOKER

CBS McVEIGH3

CBS SANDPOINT

CBS MARINERS

CBS VANDALS

CBS GUN SAFETY

CBS GAY DAYS

CBS DUMBER

CBS SANDPOINT

CBS TAX CUT QUIZ

CBS McVEIGH

CBS DAYLIGHT TIME

CBS HOUSE OF PRAYER

CBS JENNA

CBS CALIFORNIA POWER

CBS TERRORIST

CBS ENERGY

CBS BUDGET

CBS MARTIN

CBS LEE COUNTY KNIFE

CBS MEMORIAL

CBS TAX DEBATE SAT

CBS MANDATORY MARRIAGE

CBS ASK DAVE

CBS PEARL HARBOR

CBS JEFFORDS 2

CBS JEFFORDS

CBS HORTICULTURE

CBS JEFFORDS

CBS HORTICULTURE

CBS VANDALISM

CBS GRADUATION

CBS GIULIANI

CBS WHY JAILS

CBS ENERGY3

CBS ENERGY PLAN

CBS BRAZILL2

CBS ENERGY

CBS CHOLESTEROL

CBS ENERGY

CBS MARIJUANA

CBS CONSPIRACY

CBS POLYGAMY

CBS MARIJUANA2

CBS TERRORISM

CBS MASSACHUSETTS

CBS GEORGE WILL

CBS McVEIGH

CBS BOEING

CBS BRAZILL

CBS GAYS

CBS CINCINNATI

CBS CALIFORNIA

CBS GAMBLING

CBS MISSILE DEFENSE

CBS SLOW BUDGET

CBS BLANKS SURVIVOR

CBS MISSILE2

CBS DEATH TAPES

CBS SLOW TATOOS

CBS McDONALDS

CBS CHARLIE WARD

CBS ENERGY

CBS TEACHERS STRIKE

CBS SPACE TITO

CBS DODGE BALL

CBS MISSILE

CBS KERREY

CBS FETUS PROTECTION

CBS DRUG STUDY

CBS MARINERS

CBS BUSH TAIWAN

CBS SEATBELTS

CBS DRUG PLANE SLOW

CBS SLOW WHITMAN

CBS DRUG PLANE 2

CBS COLLATERAL DAMAGE

CBS DRUG PLANE

CBS GREEN BUSH

CBS DRILLING

CBS TRADE CONFERENCE

CBS CHINA

CBS CHINA

CBS DAY CARE

CBS DEAR CHINA3

CBS A ROD

CBS CINCINNATI

CBS PROFILING

CBS CHINA RETURN

CBS DEAR CHINA

CBS TV STRIKE

CBS CHINA3

CBS BUSH E MAIL SAT

CBS SOPORANOS

CBS POST OFFICE

CBS CHINA

CBS POWER

CBS LANGUAGE

CBS APOLOGY

CBS DECENCY

CBS CHINA 3

CBS HERALD RECOUNT

CBS DOUBLE DAYLIGHT

CBS BUSH JOKES

CBS McVEIGH

CBS MARIJUANA

CBS TAX CUT 2

CBS TAX CUT

CBS SOLDIER

CBS OSCARS

CBS POKEMON FATWAH

CBS SLEEP

CBS SPARE THE ROD

CBS CAMPAIGN

CBS STOCK MIR

CBS SHOOTING

CBS CAMPAIGN FINANCE

CBS FAITH BASED POWER

CBS CAMPAIGN FINANCE

CBS CONGRESS EMAIL

CBS BERETS

CBS BANKRUPT

CBS BANKRUPTCY2

CBS BANKRUPT3

CBS BUSH2

CBS BUSH

CBS RESSAM

CBS STOCKS

CBS STOCKS2

CBS WALL STREET BLANKS

CBS COLD WAR

CBS FAITH BASED

CBS TESTS

CBS NO THREATS

CBS NATIONAL SECURITY

CBS BUSH TAX

CBS GUN OWNER

CBS SCARY TEACHERS

CBS SHOOT2

CBS SCHOOL SHOOT

CBS GINGER 2

CBS ERGONOMIC

CBS ERGONOMICS

CBS TUNNEL

CBS TALIBAN

CBS PARDONS

CBS EARTHQUAKE2

CBS EARTHQUAKE1

CBS COLORADO

CBS PARDONS

CBS RECOUNT

CBS MICROSOFT

CBS CONSCIENCE

CBS DECENCY SAT

CBS FAITH BASED

CBS CLINTON

CBS LYNNE CHENEY

CBS GRAMMYS

CBS MARIJUANA

CBS WARMING

CBS EMINEM

CBS SPY

CBS PARDON AGAIN

CBS EVOLUTION

CBS PARDON SLOW

CBS ASHCROFT

CBS SUBMARINE

CBS PARDON

CBS HARLEM

CBS KOURNIKOVA

CBS HUA

CBS FURNITURE

CBS IMPEACHMENT SLOW

CBS SOUL

CBS MARC RICH2

CBS EMINEM

CBS MARC RICH1

CBS PARDONS

CBS TAXES

CBS CLINTON

CBS XFL

CBS SUPERBOWL

CBS CALIFORNIA3

CBS SLOW PUNXSUTAWNEY

CBS CLINTON

CBS NAMING RIGHTS

CBS GRO LIGHTS

CBS MTV FIRE

CBS CALIFORNIA

CBS BUDGET

CBS LOCKERBIE

CBS SURVIVOR

CBS FAITH BASED

CBS TRANSITION

CBS McCAIN

CBS FUNERAL 1/19/2001

CBS METAMORPHOSIS

CBS TAX CUT

CBS CAMPAIGN

CBS CALIFORNIA2

CBS GREENSPAN

CBS POWER MEXICO

CBS CALIFORNIA

CBS BREAKOUT

CBS VENTURA

CBS ASHCROFT2

CBS ASHCROFT

CBS TEXTBOOKS

CBS RECOUNT1

CBS DRIVING SAT

CBS IT GINGER

CBS NORTON2

CBS ARMY

CBS TEMPTATION ISLAND

CBS NORTON

CBS SAVING POWER

CBS CHAVEZ OUT

CBS CHAVEZ2

CBS POWER

CBS FREEZE DRIED

CBS CHAVEZ 2

CBS IMMODESTY

CBS DOUBLE STANDARD

CBS VIRGINITY

CBS INTEREST

CBS CHAVEZ

CBS SMOKING

CBS ASHCROFT

CBS ISRAEL

CBS DIESEL

CBS Y2K2

CBS STOCK LOSSES

CBS TRAVEL

CBS ELECTRICITY

CBS STOCK MARKET

CBS SMOKING

CBS BUSH CLINTON

CBS BOOK DEAL

CBS BALLOTS

CBS SLOW TAX CUT

CBS EUGENE TREES

CBS SLOW TAX CUT

CBS POWER RATES

CBS POWER2

CBS MOSES SLOW

YESVIRGI.CBS 12/14/00 10:

CBS HARMONY

CBS LEAVING

CBS FOLLOW DIRECTIONS

CBS ITS OVER

CBS VOUCHERS

CBS A ROD

CBS SUPREME2

CBS BLANKS FLORIDA

CBS BANKRUPTCY

CBS NEBRASKA

CBS LEGISLATURE SPLIT

CBS IN THE BEGINNING

CBS RECOUNT8

CBS LEGISLATURE

CBS SEAT BELTS

CBS SCALIA ELECTION

CBS SUP CT MEDIA

CBS BAD CHAD AGAIN

CBS DONATIONS

CBS RYDER BALLOTS

CBS VOTUS INTERRUPTUS

CBS FLORIDA LEGISLATURE

CBS BLANKS

CBS TRANSITION 11/28/200

CBS GORE 11/28/2000

CBS MILITARY VICTORY

CBS CANADA

CBS RECOUNT SAT

CBS BAD CHAD 4

CBS BLANKS

CBS TURKEY

CBS DIMPLES2

CBS COURT DECISION

CBS BAD CHAD3

CBS WWF SLOW

CBS RECOUNT4

CBS ASTEROID

CBS ELECTION DAY

CBS EXIT POLLING 3

CBS EXIT POLLING 2

CBS EXIT POLLING 1

CBS CONFUSION

CBS AIRLINES

CBS RECOUNT

CBS CONSTITUTION 11/09/2

CBS EXIT POLLS

CBS CLINTON MAKES PEACE

CBS VOTING

CBS ELECTION2

CBS PROJECTIONS

CBS COVERUP 11/15/2000

CBS BLAME FLORIDA

CBS POSTAL

CBS REVOTE TRIBE

CBS REVOTE TRIBE

CBS ELECTION MON

CBS RECOUNT

CBS RECOUNT2

CBS ELECTION 11/08/2000

CBS ELECTION2 11/08/200

CBS LAST MINUTE

CBS UNDECIDED

CBS POLITICAL ADS

CBS FAIR TAXES

CBS THANK YOU BILL

CBS DRUNK DRIVING

CBS PLEDGE

CBS PLEDGE

CBS BATTLEGROUND

CBS SLOW SWAPPING

PHONECAL.CBS 10/31/00 4:5

CBS PHONE CALLS

CBS BLANKS YANKS

CBS BUSH GORE

CBS CELL PHONES 10/26/00

CBS NADER

CBS CAMPAIGN

CBS TOY GUN

CBS TALK SHOW FODDER

CBS PAULA JONES

CBS NUKE WASTE

CBS MIDDLE EAST HELL

CBS ELECTION1

CBS DIGITAL DIVIDE

CBS TV IN SCHOOL

CBS DRUG RE IMPORT

CBS BLANKS

CBS PICKLE

CBS NADER2

CBS GREENS

CBS DEBATE 6

CBS MARINERS

CBS DEBATE5

CBS TEENS

CBS OIL

CBS CAMPAIGN ADS

CBS e mail HOAX

CBS MIDDLE EAST

CBS GORE BUSH

CBS CUSTER

CBS CANDIDATES

CBS ANECDOTES

CBS DRUG TEST

CBS SLOW PSYCHICS

CBS TEMPLE MOUNT

CBS VICE PRESIDENT

CBS YUGOSLAVIA

CBS DEBATE PROTEST

CBS DEBATE2

CBS DEBATE3

CBS DEBATE4

CBS MOVIES2

CBS MOVIES BLANKS

CBS MOVIES

CBS DEBATES

CBS GORE YOUNG

CBS STADIUMS

CBS NADER

CBS GAS PRCES

CBS BREASTS

CBS WHITEWATER

CBS WHALES

CBS ATM

CBS OIL

CBS GORE STORIES

CBS HUMANE

CBS HAND WASHING

CBS ROTTWEILERS

CBS TERRORISM MANUAL

CENSORCH.CBS 09/17/00 8:1

CBS CAMPAIGN3

CBS THONGS

CBS E MAIL BECCA

CBS SCANDAL BLANKS

CBS SCOUTS3 9/12/00 8:17

CBS RATS

CBS COMPUTER

CBS FTC REPORT 9/11/00 11

CBS FIRESTONE 2

CBS KNIGHT 9/11/2000

CBS BEVERLY HILLS MOPPETS

CBS COHABITATION

CBS DEATH TAX 3

CBS HANDSHAKE

CBS SILENCE

CBS GORE

CBS ADAM CLYNER

CBS CULTURE

CBS BUSH SLUR

INCOMETA.CBS 08/31/00 9:4

CBS COLOMBIA 9/1/2000

CBS STAND OFF

CBS DEBATES

CBS LAPD RACKETS

CBS DEATH TAX

CBS CAMPAIGN

CBS STANDARDS

CBS BIRD

CBS NIXON

CBS KISS

CBS CRIME

CBS LIEBERMAN

NADERAD.CBS 08/18/00 2:17

WHEELCHA.CBS 08/18/00 1:0

CBS MORALS

CBS GRAND JURY

CBS SUBMARINE

CBS PARTIES

CBS KUMBAYAH

CBS INTEGRITY

CBS LAPTOP2

CBS CURSING

CBS TIRES

CBS PLAYBOY3

CBS PLAYBOY2

CBS MISSING LAPTOP

CBS UNITED

CBS LIEBERMAN SLOW

CBS LIEBERMAN2

CBS BALDNESS

CBS FORD EXPLORER

CBS LOSERS

CBS REPUBLICANS

CBS SEX STRIKE

CBS PLANETS

CBS LIEBERMAN

CBS ENVIRONMENT

CBS LIEBERMAN2

CBS GIFTING

CBS WACKY REPUBS

CBS BUSH FAMILY 8/3/2000

CBS FILM

CBS BIG DONORS

CBS TOBACCO WHO

CBS PLATFORM

CBS DEMONSTRATIONS

CBS CONVENTION2

CBS CONVENTION1

CBS NUDE

CBS VIOLENCE

CBS MOTTO

CBS JERUSALEM

CBS DRUGS

CBS CONVENTIONS

CBS GAS PRICES

CBS PLAYBOY

CBS WIRELESS

CBS McCAIN

CBS MARRIAGE3

CBS GREENLAND

HILLARY3.CBS 07/18/00 9:0

CBS DISTRACTED

JESUS E MAIL

CBS SMOKERS

CBS HILLARY

CBS DISTRACTED

CBS BOYSCOUTS2

CBS AIR CONDITIONING

CBS FLIGHT ATTENDANTS

CBS FREEDOM

CBS ATMS

CBS TEACHERS

CBS FREEDOM

CBS JULY4

CBS EVOLUTION

CBS NERVOUS

CBS PRIVILEGE

CBS V CHIPS

CBS AIRLINES

CBS SCOUTS3

CBS ROCKER

CBS ELIAN

CBS GENOME

CBS MIRANDA

CBS GENOME

CBS FATIMA

CBS EMP

CBS KETCHUP

CBS CLASSROO

CBS PRUNES

CBS WHOSERVE

CBS CASINOS

CBS COMMUNISTS

CBS MITOURI

CBS PRAYER2

CBS SUPPLEMENTS

CBS CREDIT POLITICS

CBS KOREA

CBS ELIAN GRANDPARENTS

CBS RATATOUILLE

CBS BAPTISTS

CBS TOURETTE'S

CBS SECRETS 2

CBS CENTRAL PARK

CBS ELIAN FRI 4/14/2000

CBS VISA

CBS LOS ALAMOS

CBS DEATH PENALTY

CBS ALASKA

CBS PAYNTER

CBS HOOTERS

CBS MICROSOFT LETTER

CBS DOG

CBS PESTICIDE

CBS SEX STRIKE

CBS OJ TEST

CBS PASSENGER

CBS GORE

CBS ARIZONA

CBS ROCKER

CBS GRANDPARENTS2

CBS ARIZONA

CBS MARIJUANA

CBS GRADUATION

CBS NFL SURVIVOR

CBS MICROSOFT LETTER

CBS CLEAN AIR

CBS CHINA

CBS NRA RESTAURANT2

CBS SOFT MONEY

CBS MICROSOFT

CBS SHORB

CBS SECURITY

CBS SECURITY

CBS SHORB

CBS NRA RESTAURANT

CBS BIG MONEY 5/24/00

CBS MUSICAL CHAIRS

CBS CHINA

CBS CLINTON

CBS DONATO

CBS NRA

CBS CABLE SEX

CBS ECSTASY

CBS SPORTS CREDIT

CBS DISABLED

CBS WOMEN

CBS MOONSHOT

CBS MISSILE

CBS EXHAUST

CBS GORE STOCKS

CBS SOC SEC2

CBS KNIGHT

CBS SOCIAL SECURITY

CBS MOMS MARCH

CBS FORD

CBS OAKLAND DAN

CBS MILLION

CBS ANIMAL RIGHTS

CBS GIULIANI

CBS NAPSTER

CBS BIG GAME2

CBS McCAIN

CBS BIG GAME

CBS FAT PEOPLE

CBS LOVE BUG

CBS END OF WORLD

CBS MISSISSIPPI GAY2

CBS MIAMI

CBS LOVEBUG

CBS HADALOT

CBS KENT STATE

CBS HEARINGS

CBS TIME WARNER

CBS MAY DAY

CBS BLACKOUT

CBS MICROSOFT2

CBS MICROSOFT

CBS PARIS SCRIPTS

CBS SHOWER

CBS HORROR STORY

CBS ELIAN14

CBS COLUMBINE

CBS BOYSCOUTS

CBS OHIO MOTTO

CBS McCAIN

CBS MILLIONAIRE

CBS SLOW MISSILE

CBS ELIAN RETURNED

CBS UNAMERICAN

CBS MIRACLE

CBS ELIAN12

CBS ATHLETICS AND MONEY

CBS COLUMBINE

CBS ELIAN11

CBS MIRANDA

CBS OKLAHOMA 2

CBS OKLAHOMA CITY

CBS GAY PEOPLE

CBS ELIAN

CBS STOCK MARKET

CBS WORLD BANK

CBS PIG PET

CBS JUAN

CBS CANDY BAR

CBS ELIAN8

CBS NO JOKES

CBS CENSUS1

CBS JUAN MIGUEL

CBS CENSUS1

CBS MICROSOFT 1

CBS MICROSOFT 2

CBS CENSUS

CBS MICROSOFT

CBS ELIAN

CBS NUDE

CBS STORAGE

CBS PRAYER

CBS MIAMI ELIAN

CBS PRAYER

CBS SWANK

CBS ELIAN

CBS IMPLOSION

CBS OSCARS

CBS NAKED DORM DAN

CBS OHIO GUN

CBS MISSAM 3/23/00 11:35

CBS FAT 3/24/00 12:01 AM 

CBS TRAITORS

CBS MISSISSIPPI GAY

CBS DONETTES

CBS MARS REPORT

CBS DORISMOND

CBS ELIAN

CBS JESUS

CBS GUN LAWS

CBS BEER 3/16/00 8:08 PM 

CBS OLD ECONOMY

CBS E MAIL IRS

CBS AIRPORT

CBS BROWNE

CBS PATAKI

CBS MACHINE GUNS

CBS FRENCH

CBS KIDS LIE

CBS GUN WAR

CBS WESTPHAL

CBS GOT BEER

CBS TV IN CRISIS DAN

CBS MISDEMEANOR

CBS COLOMBIA

CBS GAS PRICES

CBS BOB JONES2

CBS ARMING THE KIDS

CBS CALIFORNIA GAY

CBS OIL

CBS KAYLA

CBS FAKED TESTS

CBS PRIMARY

CBS EXIT POLLS

CBS SHOOT 2

CBS NY SHOOTING

CBS SLOW TRIGGER LOCKS

CBS BOB JONES

CBS ROCKER

CBS LATE NIGHT SHOWS

CBS SHOOT

CBS McCAIN

CBS GORE INSURANCE

CBS LUNTZ POLL

CBS OFFENDED

CBS DIALLO

CBS MILLIONAIR RE DAN

CBS CONTESTANTS

CBS WINDOWS

CBS OIL PRICES 2/16/00 8:

CBS WINDOWS

CBS DEBATE

CBS RACE GROUPS

CBS SOUTH CAROLINA

CBS FLIGHT 261

CBS PEANUTS

CBS INTERNET

CBS MARRIAGE

CBS DELAWARE

CBS GRIFFEY

CBS BUSH REFORM

CBS CIRCUS

CBS HILLARY

CBS FREESCHOLARSHIPS

CBS PRIVACY

CBS EMAIL

CBS PERKS

CBS GRANDMA

CBS STUPID

CBS VERMONT

CBS SIREN

CBS NEW HAMPSHIRE

CBS ROCKER

CBS DEATH

CBS GRADES

CBS NEW HAMPSHIRE

CBS QUIZ

CBS PRISONERS SLOW

CBS PSYCHIC

CBS TAX CUT

CBS ROCKER

CBS BANKS

CBS STORM

CBS PRESIDENT

CBS POLITICS

CBS JACKSON

CBS IOWA

CBS SLOW POLLS

CBS EMAIL

CBS NORTH KOREA

CBS HILLARY

CBS ELIAN6

CBS FLAG

CBS BUCHANAN

CBS FLAG

CBS TAX PROMISE

CBS HILLARY

CBS BAKKER

CBS ROCKER

CBS BAKKER

CBS PROPAGANDA

CBS FLAG

CBS ELIAN5

CBS CONFEDERATE 1/14/2000

CBS GATES MOVES OVER

CBS MICROSOFT 1/11/00 7:3

CBS HILLARY

CBS WARNINGS

CBS MICROSOFT

CBS GRANDPARENTS

CBS ROCKER

CBS EXTORTION

CBS TAX

ELIAN4.CBS 1/04/80 6:48 P

TESTSKIL.CBS 1/04/80

CBS DIGITS

CBS SOBER

CBS EMPTYPC

CBS MADE IT

CBS TIPS

CBS KEEPCALM

CBS KELSOS

CBS Y2K

CBS DON'T ASK

CBS CANCELLED

CBS JOKES

CBS SIRENS

CBS ARMAGEDDON

CBS VIGILANCE

CBS KEEP CALM

CBS SCARE MODE

CBS INTERNET

CBS KHADAFY

CBS VIGILANCE

CBS RAMTHA

CBS SLOW MOTION

CBS COLUMBINE LETTER

CBS ELIAN3

CBS WTO SLOW

CBS REFORM

CBS TRIPP TAPES.

CBS SWEEPSTAKES

CBS KEN GRIFFEY

CBS ELIAN

CBS COLUMBINE

CBS TREE

CBS GROIN

CBS CAMPAIGN

CBS COLD WAR

CBS HUMAN

CBS GORE SLOW

CBS GUNS

CBS AFTERMATH

CBS MILITIAS

CBS MARS

CBS SONG WTO

CBS CUBAN KID

CBS WTO2

CBS WTO

CBS ANARCHISTS

CBS RIOT

CBS GLOBAL EXCHANGE

CBS MISTAKES

CBS WTO

CBS BAPTISTS

CBS E MAIL 990

CBS PROMISE

CBS REPETITIVE STRESS

CBS RUCKUS PREFEED

CBS VIOLENT TOYS

CBS McCAIN

CBS BOTTLENECK

CBS PRE EMPTIVE PRAYER

CBS BUDGET DONE

CBS ABRAHAM EMAIL

CBS SOFTMONEY

CBS EGYPT AIR

CBS PRAYER II

CBS 990 PRAYER

CBS PRAYER

CBS BANKS

CBS SLOW READINESS

CBS BLACK BOX

CBS LIQUOR

CBS EGYPT 990

CBS NY TAXIS

CBS ATM FEES

CBS NOOSE SLOW

CBS JACKSON

CBS SLOW GATES

CBS MELEE 11/09/99

CBS BIOTERRORISTS

CBS INSURANCE

CBS MICROSOFT

CBS BUSH

CBS ESSAY

CBS RANDOM ACTS

CBS PROFILES

CBS FAXES 11/02/99 10:56

CBS GRIFFEY

CBS REAL SLOW

CBS 990

CBS SOCIAL SECURITY

CBS FIGHT CLUB

CBS COCA COLA

CBS ANIMALS

CBS ROSE

CBS BUDGET2

CBS BUDGET

CBS FALWELL

CBS RON's ANGELS

BUDGETCU.CBS 10/23/99 10:

CBS YOUNG EXEC

CBS CRACK 10/21/99 10:23

CBS KLAN 10/21/99 11:42 P

CBS FCC

CBS SLOW ELEVATOR

CBS ELIZABETH

CBS BUSH 10/20/99

CBS CRIME

CBS PRICES

CBS ALPHABET

CBS DOLLS

CBS HOMOSEXUALITY

CBS PROLIFERATION SONG

CBS DOCTORS DAN

CBS WILT CHAMBERLAIN

CBS POTTER

CBS BAUER

CBS NUCLEAR TESTING

CBS EVOLUTION

CBS WARRICK DAN

CBS BOXING

CBS HEALTH INSURANCE

CBS PATIENTS2

CBS VENTURA

CBS TOBACCO

CBS SOCCER

CBS MUSEUM

CBS STATE FARM

CBS COLLEGE BID

CBS GOLF

CBS VENTURA

CBS METRIC

BROOKLYN CBS 9/30/99

CBS BEATTY 9/30/99

CBS BUMPER

HEALTH.CBS 09/29/99 12:14

CBS FOOTBALL

CBS EXHIBIT2

CBS FOOTBALL

CBS GIULIANI

CBS RECRUIT

CBS SAT 9/22/99

CBS WEALTH

CBS TAIWAN

CBS MILLENNIUM

CBS CAMPAIGN

CBS KINGS NAME

CBS COMMUTE DELAYS

CBS CIGARETTES

CBS QUAKE

CBS SMOKING

CBS CLEMENCY

CBS BRADLEY

CAMPAIGN ARTICLE

CBS AIRLINES

CBS EBAY

CBS DISNEY

CBS MISS AMERICA

CBS DISASTERS

CBS JACKSON

CBS FLOYD

CBS CAMPAIGN

CBS BUSH

CBS MEGA RICH

CBS BUDGET

CBS WACO5

CBS Alcoholic

CBS Binge

CBS NEWS QUIZ

CBS INDONESIA

CBS WACO4

CBS 9999

CBS VACATION

CBS PUERTO

CBS EBABY

CBS KHADAFY

CBS McCONNELL

CBS WORK HOURS

CBS WACO3

CBS SPEEDING

CBS KIDNEY

CBS WEBSITES

CBS WACO2

CBS TAIWAN

CBS NO JOKES

CBS WACO

CBS SHOOTINGS

CBS ROMANCE

CBS PAY GAP

CBS PAY GAP 2

CBS EARRINGS

CBS BLAIR WITCH

CBS PEPSI

FOOTBALL.CBS 08/04/99

CBS HILLARY2

BOYSCOUT.CBS 08/04/99 10:

CBS ATMs

CBS TV AND KIDS

CBS WEALTH

CBS SWEEPSTAKES

CBS HILLARY INTERVIEW

CBS GUN VIOLENCE

CBS SHOOTING

CBS SUICIDE

GORE.CBS 07/29/99 2:46 PM

CBS SAT BILBRAY Dan

CBS DEBT3

CBS DEBT2

STAYNER.CBS 07/27/99 9:18

CBS WOODSTOCK2

STAYNER.CBS 07/27/99 9:18

CBS WOODSTOCK2

WOODSTO1.CBS 07/26/99

CBS WACKO

CBS HAPPPINESS

CBS WOODSTOCK

SAFECO.CBS 07/16/99 1:29

HEALTHCA.CBS 07/16/99 12:

CBS PATIENTS2

CBS EBAY FRAUD

CBS SLOW KITCHEN

CBS PATIENTS

CBS POST OFFICE

CBS BRANDI

CBS SAFECO

CBS PATIENTS BILL

CBS HACKERS

CBS FORBES

CBS GUNS

CBS TOBACCO

CBS TAX CUTS

RACIST.CBS 07/07/99 12:37

CBS SCRIPTS JUNE

CBS WANTED

CBS HEAT

CBS AIR ACADEMY

CBS1 CREATOR

RIGHTS.CBS 07/04/99 12:11

EXTRA.CBS 6/29/99 9:30

CBS CUBA FLIGHTS

TAXPLANS.CBS 06/29/99 9:3

CBS2 POWERBALL

CBS PAY PER VIEW SLOW

CBS2 VALEDICTORIAN

CBS1 SUBMARINES

KIDSTV.CBS 06/27/99 10:41

CBS LAST GAME

CBS LANGUAGE 06/15/99 5:3

CBS1 TENCOMMAND

CBS2 VIOLENCE DAN

CBS2 DeLAY

CBS1 CHIMPS

CBS2 MOVIES 6/16/99

CBS1 CHILD REGISTRATION

CBS2 BUSH

CBS2 VIOLENCE

CBS1 NUCLEAR

CBS2 NETHERCUTT

CBS1 BUSH

CBS2 CUSSIN' DAN

CBS1 AIRLINES DAN

CBS2 SAT REICH

CBS1 SAT RUSSIANS

CBS2 PAX NATO

CBS1 KOSOVO VICTORY

CBS2 ABU JAMAL

CBS2 ILLITERATE

CBS1 NAIL CLIPPERS

CBS1 KOSOVO PEACE PLAN

CBS1 DEAD DEAL

CBS1 HILLARY

CBS2 SAT DOGS DAN

CBS1 SAT KOSOVO DEBATE

CBS1 DROWSY

CBS2 ANDRO

?AMAZON.CBS 06/01/99

CBS1 VIOLENCE

CBS2 JILTED

CBS2 HACKERS

CBS1 VIOLENT GAMES

CBS1 MEMORIAL

CBS2 VACATIONS

CBS2 SAT BAYWATCH DAN

CBS2 LOVE JET DAN

CBS1 SAT GAMBLING

CBS1 SHOOTING

CBS2 PRESIDENTIAL BOX

CBS1 STAR WARS

CBS1 STAR WARS

CBS2 SLOW HAM RADIO

CBS2 PORNOGRAPHY

CBS1 WHALES

CBS2 SAT HITMAN DAN

CBS1 SAT ATOMIC TRAIN

CBS2 CHINA AND RUSSIA

CBS1 GUN SHOWS

CBS2 CELL PHONES

CBS1 WAG THE DOG

CBS1 FUR LABEL

CBS2 ORLISTAT

CBS1CHINA EMBASSY

CBS2 CHINA MAP

CBS2 STARBUCKS DAN

CBS1 CHINA

CBS2 SAT AIR RAGE

CBS2 BABY

CBS2 AIRLINE STUNT SLOW

CBS1 WINNING

CBS2 CUBA BASEBALL

CBS1 VIOLENCE

CBS1 JACKSON

CBS2 STAR WARS

CBS1 SCHOOL THREATS

CBS2 LITTLETON

CBS CICERO DAN

CBS CHEATING DAN

CBS2 TEASING

CBS1 NUCLEAR LEAKS

CBS2 TRENCH COAT

CBS1 LITTLETON

CBS1 HERO

CBS1 SEARCH KIDS

CBS2 KILLERS PLAN

CBS2 ORLISTAT

CBS1 SICK SOCIETY

CBS2 KIDS IN BLACK

CBS1 WARNINGS

CBS2 GUNS AND KIDS

CBS LOTTERY DISPUTE

CBS BLOCKADE

CBS1 TV WAR

CBS PRISONER

CBS SAT EXOTIC(Fuller)

CBS*ANTI SMOKING(AVAIL)

CBS SAT SMOKING MONEY

CBS1 KEVORKIAN

CBS2 ARE THEY RIGHT

CBS1 MISTAKE

CBS2 STARR

CBS1 CHERRY TREES

CBS2 ROBERT TRELLER

CBS1 KEVORKIAN

CBS TV ADS

CBS1 GROUND TROOPS

CBS2 CONCEPTION

CBS2 BLOODTHIRSTY

CBS TV TARGETS

CBS1 MISSILES

CBS SAT NAKED

CBS1 WINNING

CBS2 SERB TV

CBS1 REFUGEES

CBS2 SEARCHES

CBS2 PLEGDE

CBS LEADERSHIP

cbs?gore

CBS2 UNDERTOW

CBS GENEVA

CBS2 ZASTAVA

CBS2 KLAN

CBS1 TRUTH

CBS2 KOSOVO

CBS1 MELISSA

CBS 2 KOSOVO

CBS 1 KOSOVO END GAME

NONTHREAT.CBS
Moved: 10/19/2006 7:28
NONTHREAT.CBS
Please pay no attention to what's not going to happen. This is DR.
The authorities were quick to discount that web site posting about a threat to bomb seven NFL Stadiums this weekend.
The Department of Homeland Security has been careful to point that the threat had little credibility, and encouraged the public to go about their plans, including "attending events that involve large public gatherings such as football games."
Which brings us to an issue that we are all going to have to face sooner or later.
We all know how to prepare for an attack -- you have your water and your food, your meeting place. But what about non-attacks? Which have been happening with increasing frequency, especially around election time.
The first step I would have to say, is not to be worried about your food or water supply, because during a NON-attack, you will not be needing them.
The other thing is to carefully analyze what plans you would be going about right now if there was NO attack expected, and then go about them.
This is not always easy. For example, this latest non-attack of simultaneous truck-mounted dirty bombs is not supposed to happen October 22, which marks the final day of Ramadan. Which would seem like one of the least likely days not to attack.
But remind yourself whenever you hear a warning of a non-attack ... no matter how horrible the thing that's NOT going to happen is ... the purpose of a non-attack warning is to keep you not-scared.
Because if we can keep you not scared, you won't have to worry about feeling not secure... from the truck mounted dirty bomb that won't be going off this weekend... in your city.
As for our role as members of the media, I pledge to you that as long as there are non-attacks, we will continue not reporting them. After all, that can NEVER ... not be our job. Now this. 
Index 

300 MILLION.CBS
Moved: 10/17/2006 7:38
300 MILLION.CBS

300 million. This is DR...

Today the US population officially passed 300 million. Can you feel it? Is it getting stuffy in here!

Don't worry, you were here first. But you wonder - is this good news or bad news.

The White House let the occasion pass, since there's a good chance that number 300 million arrived in the back of a pickup under a tarp.

Instead the President focused on a sure-fire feel-good story: that bill green-lighting the CIA to continue aggressively not torturing suspected terrorists.

But 300 million should be a feel-good story too.

Global Warming types will whine about it -- the 300 millionth energy-waster -- but we're in a fight here to spread American values, and face it -- our ideological competitors are out-reproducing us.

Western civilization is trying to spread all this enlightenment, personal fulfillment, stewardship of the earth, alternative fuels, but the result is our Canola fields are more fertile than we are!

Enlightenment without reproduction leads inevitably to endarkenment.

Enlightened people must occasionally have unprotected heterosexual sex!

But Dave, you say, don't we have a collective responsibility here? Yes, of course we do. And having 300 million people spreads out that collective responsibility, thereby reducing your individual share. So you should immediately feel less guilty about, really, everything.

But most important is this: every time we add another American or American wannabe, it's one more person the terrorists will have to brainwash into submission. After three and half years of creating more of THEM, its about time we created more of US.

Now this. 
Index 

NORTHKOREA4.CBS
Moved: 10/16/2006 7:31
NORTHKOREA4.CBS

No more lobster. This is DR....

The United Nations Security finally got tough with North Korea.

I've seen the resolution they passed -- it expresses PROFOUND concern.

It DEMANDS North Korea not conduct any further nuclear testing.

It DECIDES that North Korea SHALL suspend its missile program and abandon all nuclear weapons in an IRREVERSIBLE manner.

And to make sure that happens, no country is allowed to send North Korea any battle tanks, combat aircraft, attack helicopters, warships, or... 
LUXURY GOODS.

Food and medicine is OK, but no luxury goods.

North Korea can also collect fees for rent, taxes, and insurance -- insurance ... I guess that would be their new, nuclear hazard insurance; their new comprehensive "Sea of Fire" coverage with the artillery barrage rider.

But the LUXURY prohibition -- what's that about? Well, that appears to be personal. Aimed at Kim Jong Il himself. Since he is about the only one in North Korea to get luxuries. 

Sure, soldiers may get non-moldy rice and a fresh armband once in a while. But the caviar, French wine, the cognac, the live lobsters, the shark-fin soup -- that stuff pretty much goes to Kim Jong Il.

-- Who is developing a round little belly, that shakes when he laughs like -- well, actually in North Korea there's nothing to compare it to, because he has the only belly of any size, since everybody else eats bark.

We all hope this works -- that forcing Kim Jong Il to hang up his lobster bib will be the thing that finally convinces him the cost of going nuclear is just too high.

Unless, facing a life without fresh seafood... he figures what the hell, he might as WELL press the button.

Now this. 
Index 

LIDLE.CBS
Moved: 10/13/2006 7:46
LIDLE.CBS

Failure of imagination. This is DR...

The 9/11 report faulted investigators for a failure of imagination. So shall we imagine?

Yesterday, a small plane flew into a 50 story condominium in New York City by accident.

Also yesterday, the justice department charged this man with treason:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>azzam SLITTING THROATS.wav
Time: 7s
Title: azzam SLITTING THROATS
Description: azzam SLITTING THROATS
Out-cue: ]

He is known as Adam Gadahn, nicknamed Azzam the American, who, as the name implies, is a very American-looking young man turned Islamic Totalitarian, who stands accused of threatening attacks on various cities:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>azzam PITS OF HELL.wav
Time: 6s
Title: azzam PITS OF HELL
Description: azzam PITS OF HELL
Out-cue: ]

Let me get back to you on that.

And just after this American-looking al-Qaeda fugitive was indicted for threatening to attack cities, Cory Lidle's plane took off from Teeterboro Airport. Without a flight plan or transponder, it circled the Statue of Liberty. Without a flight plan or transponder, it flew past the site of the new Freedom Tower. Then north, over the East River.
Over the Brooklyn Bridge. The Manhattan Bridge. The Williamsburg Bridge. AND past the UNITED NATIONS, until it slammed into the Belaire - 13 minutes after takeoff.
Reminding us that: to have more than three ounces of shampoo in your carry-on is considered dangerous, but it is still legal to fly a small plane around New York without a flight plan or a transponder!
Does it take a lot of imagination to imagine what this man
[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>azzam DEATH CLOSER THAN YOU THINK.wav
Time: 5s
Title: azzam DEATH CLOSER THAN YOU THINK
Description: azzam DEATH CLOSER THAN YOU THINK
Out-cue: ]
...might be imagining.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS SAT
Moved: 10/13/2006 7:46
REPENT.CBS

Repent or else. This is...

We are bombarded with messages to change our ways -- and with the war on terror, these messages have gained a new intensity...

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>azzam1.wav
Time: 10s
Title: azzam1
Out-cue: ]

This is Adam Gadahn, indicted this week as a member of Al Qaeda and a traitor to the United States.

Al Qaeda, I think we all agree, has a relatively medieval approach to repentance, that being, "repent, or feel the cold steel of my knife at your throat."

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>azzam 2.wav
Time: 3s
Title: azzam 2
Description: azzam 2
Out-cue: will be of no benefit]

But Adam Gadahn is not the only voice using 9/11 in an attempt to coax us to repentance:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>robertson3.wav
Time: 4s
Title: robertson3
Description: robertson3
Out-cue: we are guilty before you]

Yes -- in 2003 Pat Robertson said 9/11 succeeded because America had been stripped of our Christian heritage, causing God's divine protection to lapse:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>robertson4.wav
Time: 19s
Title: robertson4
Description: robertson4
Out-cue: upon us]

Now, I don't mean to equate the two. Far from it. I present these messages to demonstrate the clear difference between these particular Muslim and Christian approaches to redemption.

One says "repent, or WE will kill you"; the other says "repent, or THEY will kill you!"

In the meantime, try not to forget, God is Love.

Now this. 
Index 

DANNATT.CBS
Moved: 10/13/2006 7:46
DANNATT.CBS

Reason, or Treason. This is DR...

Here in the US, retired generals are criticizing our Iraq policy all the time. It's expected. No American newsroom is complete without a tough talking retired general.

But British General Sir Richard Dannatt is NOT retired.

Two months ago he was named chief of the British Army. And yesterday, the Daily Mail quoted him as saying "we should get ourselves out (of Iraq) sometime soon because our presence exacerbates the security problems."

Considering that up to now the main difference between the Brits and us in the war on terror is that they spell "Taleban" with an "e", this was shocking, and it calls for an objective evaluation.

So I've brought out the Treason Meter, which is the only objective way to decide whether what the General said is TREASON.

Let me flip it on, and read quote #1:

"We should get ourselves out sometime soon because our presence exacerbates the security problems." 

(*)

Hmm not Treason.

OK, Quote #2: the planning for the occupation was "poor, probably based more on optimism than sound planning. 

(*)

Hmmm again not Treason. Now that's strange! Because what the General's saying goes directly against... Oops -- what an idiot! I had the machine on the metric units! I've been testing these quotes by European standards! 

OK lets; try it again: Quote #1, our presence exacerbates security problems....

(*)

Quote #2 planning for the occupation based more on optimism."

(*)

Treasonous both! Let the discrediting process begin!

Close call. For a moment there it looked like the top general of our closest ally in Iraq might actually, as they say, "know what he was talking about."

(*)

Apparently we've blown a capacitor.

Now this.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>z-QUIZ BUZZER.WAV
Time: 1s
Title: z-QUIZ BUZZER
Description: QUIZ BUZZER
Out-cue: ]

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>z-QUIZ BUZZER.WAV
Time: 1s
Title: z-QUIZ BUZZER
Description: QUIZ BUZZER
Out-cue: ]

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>z-QUIZ BELL.WAV
Time: 1s
Title: z-QUIZ BELL
Description: QUIZ BELL
Out-cue: ]

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>z-QUIZ BELL.WAV
Time: 1s
Title: z-QUIZ BELL
Description: QUIZ BELL
Out-cue: ]

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>z-THUNDER.WAV
Time: 5s
Title: z-THUNDER
Description: THUNDER/ELECTRIC
Out-cue: ]

Now this. 
Index 

KOREANUKE.CBS
Moved: 10/11/2006 7:56
KOREANUKE.CBS
Was it for real? This is DR.
According to the Washington Post, the White House is not 100% sure that North Korea's nuclear device actually worked. The Washington Times went further, quoting an intelligence official as saying it was more fizz than pop. 
Now with nukes, the testing is everything.
These are weapons designed not so much for the physical battlefield as for the battlefield of the mind.
For North Korea, a successful test is designed to force a negotiation. For us, however, a successful test actually PREVENTS negotiation, because we won't give in to nuclear blackmail.
However, if we conclude it was NOT a nuclear explosion, but simply a hellaciously big CONVENTIONAL explosion... no nuclear blackmail. But Dave, you say, if it happened, it happened.
Now necessarily. Oh yes, supposedly, it blew a 4 on the seismograph. But WE control all the good seismographs. We control all the good satellites.
Suppose WE just say, well North Korea, you SAY you exploded something, but we didn't hear ANYTHING.
We heard a LITTLE rattling somewhere, but we figure that was the sound of your dear leader HAVING A COW.
As a matter of fact, your test was so pathetic, we're not sure you're even in the axis of evil anymore. In fact, we're moving you to the Spindle of Irrelevance.
From what we see on TV here, the main function of your million man army is to hold up thousands of red placards and flip them at the same time during soccer games.
You want to be a player on the world stage? Sell a bacon cheeseburger for 99 cents. In fact, your own people might appreciate that.
Now this. 
Index 

ELECTPOLL.CBS
Moved: 10/10/2006 8:37
ELECTPOLL.CBS

The polls are clear. Or so you THINK. This is DR

Its the figure everyone is paying attention to: all the latest polls ask - if the elections for Congress were being held today, which party's candidate would you vote for in your Congressional district? All the polls -- USA Today, Washington Post, CBS New York Times found a solid majority answering "Democrat."

Indeed, on all the big issues, the pollees say Democrats would do a better job. They even lead on TERRORISM! Heck, they have a 7% edge on MORAL values!

As for the Republicans -- 55% unfavorable. Complete reversal from 2004. Republicans haven't been that low since the Clinton impeachment.

And then -- the question which has even incumbents trembling. The CBS poll asked "Do you think the representative in Congress from YOUR district deserves re-election...?" Only 43% said they'd re-elect the same guy -- 47% are ready to move on to someone new. 

It sounds like the long knives are out for Republican incumbents.

Just ONE thing to remember. You voters may THINK you know what you think. You may THINK you're in the mood to rebel.

But this is October. We still have four weeks. Four weeks of unflattering pictures, outrageous quotes, and scary music. (SFX: Ominous Music) Four weeks of dinner time robocalls and YouTube videos spreading rumors of infidelity and closeted sexuality. Four weeks of a campaign which, unlike the military, doesn't even have to PRETEND to follow the Geneva Convention. 

Yes, you people may THINK you hate Republicans. But by November 7th, you'll hate everybody!

Now this. 
Index 

KOREANUKE.CBS
Moved: 10/9/2006 7:31
KOREANUKE.CBS

Plan B! This is DR...

Sponsored by the Michigan Economic Development corporation. Wherever in the world you compete, Michigan can give you the upper hand.

Here it is again -- proof that anything the good guys invent eventually falls into the hands of the bad guys.

The cross-bow, guns, e-mail -- all invented by people who thought they were doing a good thing!

And now North Korea, the world's most secretive regime, has nukes. 

Don't worry -- we will hold North Korea fully accountable. Which means that pretty soon, the UN security council will start flinging sharply-worded news releases.

Even China unleashed the "B" word -- I'm not sure even I'm even allowed to say it -- oh, what the heck ... BRAZEN. China called it BRAZEN!

And coming from a country that sent tanks against its own people, that's got to mean something.

But what?

Well, number one, it means no one is going to be starting a war with North Norea anytime soon.

Number two, if North Korea does indeed sell its nukes to Iran and Syria, it means no one is going to be starting a war with them either.

So what ultimately stops a country from using its nukes? Ultimately...because they don't want to get nuked back. Because they have something to lose. China is a nuclear power once run by a cult. Today, if they nuked us, their US Treasury notes would be worthless, and if we nuked them, Wal Mart would have to close.

We each have something to lose.

The world hoped that encouraging North Korea's isolation would stop it from building a bomb. Now, we face an impoverished country that HAS nukes, and has NOTHING to lose by using them. So - anybody got a Plan B.

Now this. 
Index 

FOLEY3.CBS
Moved: 10/6/2006 7:00
FOLEY3.CBS

The scandal deepens. This is DR...

As the House Ethics committee starts its investigation of the Mark Foley matter-- prominent conservatives are wonder what's REALLY going on here? The very reason the Republicans were elected was to restore sexual continence. Leading one commentator to the inescapable conclusion that this Mark Foley thing was a setup:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>rush on foley 100406 A SETUP.wav
Time: 4s
Title: rush on foley 100406 A SETUP
Description: rush on foley 100406 A SETUP
Out-cue: ]

Hmmm - say no more!

In fact, it was revealed that the Republican staffer who tried to get the Speaker to DO something about Mark Foley more than THREE YEARS AGO -- is himself GAY. In fact, CBS Correspondent Gloria Borger reports there are a NUMBER of gay staffers working for the Republicans:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>gloria borger 100506 GAY STAFFERS.wav
Time: 12s
Title: gloria borger 100506 GAY STAFFERS
Description: gloria borger 100506 GAY STAFFERS
Out-cue: ]

You see what's happened: While we've been distracted by the war on terror, there's been a gay sleeper cell in the Republican Party!

This is the problem! The FBI has been so busy recruiting ARABIC speakers, they've failed to recruit agents who can pass for GAY!

We have to re-deploy our forces to stop these Gay Instant Messages on Capitol Hill, because unless we stop them THERE, they will follow us HERE.

But Dave, you say, if we re-deploy to go after the gay sleeper cells, won't the radical ISLAMIC sleeper cells take over?

Well, yes they will, of course, 20,000 Islamic radicals WILL quickly subjugate all of Western civilization. But: one of the first things they'll do -- is stamp out homosexuality! Every time God closes a door, He opens a window.

Now this. 
Index 

IRAQWARNER.CBS
Moved: 10/6/2006 6:59
IRAQWARNER.CBS

Someone change the subject! This is DR.

Here we are again, defining Democracy for all the world to see. Democracy -- a system wherein control of congress could come down to who's toughest on keyboard sex.

Hugo Chavez, watch and learn!

Yes, the Democrats are taking full advantage of not being on the receiving end of a sex scandal for a change.

But unfortunately for the Republicans, any attempt to change the subject opens the front page to another story they like even less:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>john warner 100506 HAVE A REFERENDUM.wav
Time: 6s
Title: john warner 100506 HAVE A REFERENDUM
Description: john warner 100506 HAVE A REFERENDUM
Out-cue: ]

Senator John Warner, Republican Chair of the Armed Services Committee, just back from another 24 hour drive-by visit to Baghdad, saying victory in Iraq is no longer UP to us:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>john warner 100506 TROOPS NOT ANSWER.wav
Time: 11s
Title: john warner 100506 TROOPS NOT ANSWER
Description: john warner 100506 TROOPS NOT ANSWER
Out-cue: ]

Warner was convinced that Prime Minister Maliki is serious about bringing his country's various malcontents together, but he also laid out -- something that sounded ever so slightly like a timetable:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>john warner 100406 SEEMS TO SET TIMETABLE edit.wav
Time: 18s
Title: john warner 100406 SEEMS TO SET TIMETABLE edit
Description: john warner 100406 SEEMS TO SET TIMETABLE
Out-cue: ]

He was careful to say he would never set a time table, but you got the feeling, listening to him not set that timetable -- that here is a man who'd almost rather be dealing with a sex scandal.

At least THAT'S something Congress actually understands.

Now this. 
Index 

AMISH2.CBS
Moved: 10/6/2006 6:59
AMISH2.CBS

Spreading the faith. This is DR...

I've heard various attempts to explain the shootings in that Amish schoolhouse -- and the significance of such a thing happening to a community whose lifestyle is the antithesis of that kind of violence.

There were attempts to compare it to the Columbine shootings -- except the culprit wasn't an alienated student, but a grown man with a family of his own, who, if his note can be believed, was grieving over the loss of a child.

The Family Research Center said it was the fault of a depraved society -- yet it happened in a place about as removed from the America's temptations as you can get.

But all that speculation faded into the background as another part of the story emerged -- the way the families of the dead girls dealt with their tragedy.

They refused to get angry, not at injustice of the world, and not at the ruthlessness of the killer.

Instead, they set up a fund for his family.

They didn't debate the dangers of guns, or the sickness of a depraved society; there was no attempt to shield the surviving children from the reality of death. Children were actually encouraged to touch the bodies to understand the departure of the soul. 

The Amish don't have churches, they don't have a TV network, they don't hand out literature or visit your home. They don't warn the world about the second coming, issue fatwahs, or hand out voter guides.

A story about random violence of the most terrifying kind was replaced by the story of a community trying to live by its principles 24/7, no matter what life brings.

Sometimes the best way to spread faith -- is simply to have it.

Now this. 
Index 

FOLEY2.CBS
Moved: 10/4/2006 7:26
FOLEY2.CBS

Clearing the air. This is DR...

Ex-congressman Mark Foley wanted to clear the air, so he sent his attorney out to emphasize that there is NO excuse for his messages to former pages:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>david roth 2 100306 THIS IS NO EXCUSE short.wav
Time: 5s
Title: david roth 2 100306 THIS IS NO EXCUSE short
Description: david roth 2 100306 THIS IS NO EXCUSE short
Out-cue: ]

Indeed, what we're about to hear should in NO WAY be taken as an excuse for what happened:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>david roth 3 100306 VICTIM OF ABUSE WHAT ABUSE short.wav
Time: 5s
Title: david roth 3 100306 VICTIM OF ABUSE WHAT ABUSE short
Description: david roth 3 100306 VICTIM OF ABUSE WHAT ABUSE short
Out-cue: ]

Shame? Shame over what?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>david roth 4 100306 ABUSED BY A CLERGYMAN.mp3
Time: 10s
Title: david roth 4 100306 ABUSED BY A CLERGYMAN
Out-cue: ]

Molested by a clergyman. OK. Anything else?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>david roth 7 100306 HE IS GAY.mp3
Time: 5s
Title: david roth 7 100306 HE IS GAY
Out-cue: ]

I see. And if it's not an excuse, you're telling us this because...

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>david roth 8 100306 PART OF RECOVERY.mp3
Time: 4s
Title: david roth 8 100306 PART OF RECOVERY
Out-cue: ]

Part of his RECOVERY. Certainly not implying that as a Republican, if he'd been honest about his orientation, he might as well have campaigned in tassels and a G-string -- just saying, hey, in case anybody's curious, I'm gay, and I thought this would be a great time to tell everyone. 

Of course, despite this clearing of the air, Republican "values voters" are still expressing disillusionment. But not so fast. First, this keeps Iraq off the front page, and pushes Afghanistan, I believe, deep into the Lifestyle section.

And second, it reminds everyone that thanks to the values agenda, Mark Foley, even though he was a sexually active gay man born IN Massachusetts, was strictly prohibited from asking any of those former pages to... marry him.

Now this.

[Not saying what TYPE of clergyman -- even through Foley was raised as a Catholic -- it could have been a Rabbi or an Imam, but in any case, he wants to make it clear it is NO excuse for what he did.] 
Index 

FOLEY.CBS
Moved: 10/2/2006 7:36
FOLEY.CBS 10/02/06

Interns, pages, maybe it's time to use pneumatic tubes to deliver important papers.

This is DR...

Florida Congressman Mark Foley has resigned and will check into an alcohol rehab clinic after being confronted with messages to a male congressional page in which he calls him my "favorite young stud," and makes it clear how he measures manhood: With a ruler.

Sometimes, even Republicans know when to cut and run.

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich was quick to explain how his party, normally sticklers for morality, would let this one slip... had they been overly aggressive in reacting, he said, they would have been accused of gay bashing.

Hmmm -- well, Foley may be gay, but I believe that in addition to that, he sounds kind of like a pervert. And Newt, even if he was gay, remember - he was the GOOD kind - he'd voted for the Defense of Marriage Act to discourage people like himself from engaging in monogamy.

Republican blogs brought out that Democrats do this too. Rep. Gerry Studds of Massachusetts was censured in 1983 for having sex with a 17 year old male page, then went on to win re-election. That same year, Republican Daniel Crane of Illinois was censured for sex with a FEMALE page, but lost -- the speculation being that if Foley had only been a Democrat from Massachusetts, he'd still have a career.

The blogs also point out that the age of consent in DC is 16, making this really no different from what Clinton did! Yes, Bill Clinton, the black hole that pulls every scandal into its orbit.

Well, at least, this won't hurt the public's approval of Congress. Because at 25%, it can't get much lower.

Now this. 
Index 

DASHBOARD.CBS
Moved: 9/29/2006 11:01
DASHBOARD.CBS

Please don't spread this story. This is DR...

The pope apologizes for using a quote critical of the prophet Mohammad. In Germany, an opera is cancelled because a scene with the severed heads of religious figures includes the head of Mohammad. And we all remember the riots that broke out over the Mohammad cartoons in a newspaper. So of course, entrepreneur Tim Aimes decided there was only one thing for him to do:

[Cart No: <8 Raw Carts>tim aimes 1 NO DASHBOARD MOHAMMED.mp3
Time: 8s
Title: tim aimes 1 NO DASHBOARD MOHAMMED
Out-cue: ]

Yes, and so he decided to design and sell a dashboard Mohammed doll. A bobblehead dashboard Mohammed doll:

[Cart No: <8 Raw Carts>tim aimes 2 JUST INNOCENT FUN.mp3
Time: 4s
Title: tim aimes 2 JUST INNOCENT FUN
Out-cue: ]

No, of course no one would see religious implications. Especially since the design he chose for the doll's face is a copy of that cartoon showing the prophet with a lit fuse protruding from his head:

[Cart No: <8 Raw Carts>tim aimes 3 MY EMAILS.mp3
Time: 12s
Title: tim aimes 3 MY EMAILS
Out-cue: ]

Wait a minute -- no threats. Simply concern for his soul! 

Wow. So it could stop there. In fact, if it does stop there, if no one jumps on the story; if no one tries to whip the crowd into a frenzy, Tim will be happy with the few hundred bobbleheads he's sold, and that'll be the end of it:

[Cart No: <8 Raw Carts>tim aimes 6 NOT EVEN A CLEVER TOY.mp3
Time: 8s
Title: tim aimes 6 NOT EVEN A CLEVER TOY
Out-cue: ]

Maybe Tim Aimes has just had his 87 seconds of fame, and that'll be it. We'll find out.

Now this. 
Index 

BUSHFDR.CBS
Moved: 9/29/2006 11:00
BUSHFDR.CBS

What would FDR do? This is DR...

The President has clearly lost patience with critics of his policy in Iraq:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush 092806 CUT AND RUN short.wav
Time: 8s
Title: bush 092806 CUT AND RUN short
Description: bush 092806 CUT AND RUN short
Out-cue: ]

So let's dip into the archives and hear what FDR was saying during the darkest days of HIS war -- in 1942.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>fdr 022342 THIS IS WAR short.wav
Time: 18s
Title: fdr 022342 THIS IS WAR short
Description: fdr 022342 THIS IS WAR short
Out-cue: ]

Not that different. We're left to wonder who would FDR have considered a poison peddler today? 

What about Bob Woodward -- whose latest book accuses the President of withholding the truth about Iraq from the American people:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bob woodward 092806 AMERICANS DONT KNOW.wav
Time: 9s
Title: bob woodward 092806 AMERICANS DONT KNOW
Description: bob woodward 092806 AMERICANS DONT KNOW
Out-cue: ]

FDR 1942:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>fdr 022342 WE WILL KEEP NOTHING FROM YOU.wav
Time: 22s
Title: fdr 022342 WE WILL KEEP NOTHING FROM YOU
Out-cue: ]

One more World War II comparison: on the Saturday after Thanksgiving, the War in Iraq will have lasted longer than the War in the Pacific, from Pearl Harbor, to the Surrender of Japan.

Now this: 
Index 

APOLOGY.CBS
Moved: 9/28/2006 6:51
APOLOGY.CBS 

The Pope apologizes. This is DR...

The Pope has now apologized for Tuesday's speech -- in which he appeared to endorsed the idea that Islam preaches violence.

And, in an ironic twist lost on no one, the reason for the apology was the increasing threat of violence from Islamic extremists.

An Al Qaeda group in Iraq vowed to wage war against worshippers of the cross. 
An Iranian cleric advised the Pope to "fall on his knees in front of a ... Muslim cleric."
There were attacks on seven churches on the West Bank and in Gaza, and in Somalia a nun was shot four times in the back, outside a childrens' hospital. Although no one's sure if that's related or not. 
As these things go, we got off easy.

But you know -- I can't help thinking: IF you're an extremist, and you're looking for a way to show how unhappy you are with the Pope because he called you violent, why would you react by attacking a church? Or by filling the streets shouting slogans like Death to the Pope and burning him in effigy?

Here's an idea - give a speech of your own, citing the numerous passages in the CHRISTIAN Bible where God appears to endorse violence! Fire off a few rhetorical shots! Light a VERBAL fire! But no.

Would there have been a similar reaction had the Pope made his remarks about some other religion. We may get a chance to find out. The British press reports that during his apology speech yesterday he cited a passage from St. Paul describing the crucifixion of Jesus as a (QUOTE) "scandal for the Jews".

Really, these days, if you're going to be critical, be critical of fresh spinach. That appears to be a safe target.

Now this. 
Index 

BUSHUN.CBS
Moved: 9/28/2006 6:51
BUSHUN.CBS

Tough crowd. This is DR...

It was a tough crowd for President Bush at the UN. He talked about how the US wants only peace for the Middle East, and that we had no objection to a peaceful nuclear program in Iran. Only tepid applause from the assembled delegates.

But at least there was a full house to hear what he said.

NOT the case when the President of Iran got up to speak. The chamber was half empty as President Ahmadinejad claimed his country's nuclear dabblings ARE transparent, and peaceful.

He said Iran didn't deserve the treatment it was getting at the UN, and that the United States was using the Security Council as a tool of (QUOTE) "threat and coercion."

Well he should know something about threat and coercion. In fact, this year the UN General Assembly passed a resolution describing Iran as one of the world's greatest violators of human rights. Including:

persecution of religious dissenters, journalists, students, clerics, academics and even bloggers
disqualification of all women, from the 2005 presidential elections.
arbitrary trials
and the use of torture. And we're talking old school. As in flogging and amputations.

A dissident in Iran would probably beg to be rendered to the CIA.

At least Mr A didn't claim to be surrounded by a divine light as he did after LAST year's UN speech. Didn't even try to lead a reprise of "Death To the Pope." Instead he merely asked God for the return of "the perfect human being promised to all," and that God "make us among [the savior's] followers."
And if God refuses, well, I guess Iran will just have to arrest the Almightly, lock him up, and cut off a finger.
Now this. 
Index 

BUSHHUGO.CBS
Moved: 9/28/2006 6:50
BUSHHUGO.CBS 

Hurricane Hugo hits the White House. This is DR

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez did his stand up routine at the UN yesterday, calling President Bush "The Devil," and saying he smelled like "sulphur," which was hurtful enough, but then he accused Mr. Bush of talking as if he owned the world.

And the delegates erupted! They gave him a curtain call!

I decided to go back to the archives and check, because I don't like hearing my president criticized -- especially by a guy like Chavez, who according to the US state department, limits press freedom, abuses detainees, and wiretaps without warrants.

So I went back into the archives to see if George Bush DOES talk like he owns the world: Roll it:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush SOU SPEECH HOPES OF ALL MANKIND.wav
Time: 8s
Title: bush SOU SPEECH HOPES OF ALL MANKIND
Description: bush SOU SPEECH HOPES OF ALL MANKIND
Out-cue: ]

See, he's not saying we OWN the world, just that we are responsible for the Hopes of All Mankind.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush 041304 WERE CHANGING THE WORLD.wav
Time: 7s
Title: bush 041304 WERE CHANGING THE WORLD
Out-cue: ]

We're CHANGING the world. It's a RE-model, not a TEAR-DOWN.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush 041304 GREATEST POWER.wav
Time: 13s
Title: bush 041304 GREATEST POWER
Description: bush 041304 GREATEST POWER
Out-cue: ]

OK well that's a LITTLE proprietary.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush 012005 AMERICA WILL NOT IMPOSE.wav
Time: 12s
Title: bush 012005 AMERICA WILL NOT IMPOSE
Out-cue: ]

See, we're not TELLING you what to do. We merely SUGGEST. And you know Hugo, if people like you would just sell us the oil and shut up, we'd get along just fine.

Now this. 
Index 

TELEVISION.CBS
Moved: 9/28/2006 6:50
TELEVISION.CBS 

Why can't we all be friends? This is DR..

Plenty has been said about the tone of today's public discourse. The uncompromising nature of the debate. We wonder if we'll ever get back to the collegial days when politicians argued 9-5, and got tipsy together over dinner.

But it's not likely, and now we know why.

A new Nielsen study reveals that America has crossed an important threshold. For the first time, the number of TV sets outnumbers the population.

We now actually have more TV sets in America than GUNS.

I've seen the TV change from a glorified oscilloscope in a corner of the living room to a giant wall-dominating screen with offspring in the master bedroom, the kids bedrooms, the kitchen, and in select homes, the bathroom.

And these sets -- unlike, for example, the piano -- are being used all the time. Neilsen says in the average home, a TV is on for 8 hours and 14 minutes a day, and the average person watches it for 4 hours and 35 minutes.

Which means that for many people, their entire experience of the outside world -- is television. 

And what does television favor? CONFLICT. All entertainment is based on CONFLICT. Cop shows, lawyer shows, news shows, talk shows, comedy shows. There's got to be tension or it doesn't get on. So of COURSE we're getting bullheaded - it's all we see!

I can only think of one-- one oasis of love and harmony, and that would be would be religious programming:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>pat robertson EDITED set their city on fire.wav
Time: 8s
Title: pat robertson EDITED set their city on fire
Description: pat robertson EDITED set their city on fire
Out-cue: ]

Never mind. Now this. 
Index 

CHAVEZ.CBS
Moved: 9/28/2006 6:50
CHAVEZ.CBS

Why must we pay attention? This is DR... 

His act was such a hit at the UN, Hugo Chavez took it uptown to Harlem's Mt Olivet Baptist Church yesterday.

He again called President Bush the Devil, and implied he had a hand in the 9/11 attacks -- proving that even Venezuelan strongmen spend too much time on the Internet. It was so bad that Bush-Bashers like Charles Rangel and Nancy Pelosi rose to DEFEND the President Bush. 

But the people in that church audience CHEERED. They waved Venezuelan flags.

Of course, how could they not? Chavez IS a polished entertainer... does a regular talk show in Venezuela called Hello President, where he calls Bush Mr. Danger:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>hugo chavez YOU ARE A DONKEY MR BUSH.wav
Time: 2s
Title: hugo chavez YOU ARE A DONKEY MR BUSH
Description: hugo chavez YOU ARE A DONKEY MR BUSH
Out-cue: ]

A little confusion about the party mascot.

But the question of course is why do we pay attention to this? Why do we have to take this guy seriously?

Why we have to listen to the President of Iran, swaggering around New York, saying Iran is all about peace and love -- Except for Death to Israel -- why do we have to listen to these guys?

You know why! 

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush 020106 ADDICTED TO OIL.wav
Time: 6s
Title: bush 020106 ADDICTED TO OIL
Out-cue: ]

Yes. Chavez was in Harlem handing out cheap oil! 

Once upon a time we could jerk people around. Like the message Assistant Secretary of State Richard Armitage sent to the President of Pakistan:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>musharraf 092106 PREPARE TO BE BOMBED.wav
Time: 4s
Title: musharraf 092106 PREPARE TO BE BOMBED
Description: N058
Out-cue: ]

Armitage says he doesn't recall those exact words. Maybe he said "Iron Age." But the message was clear.

Five years later? We just sit here and take it. Just make the craving stop! For two-dollar gas we'll laugh at anything!

Now this. 
Index 

MUSHARRAF.CBS
Moved: 9/28/2006 6:49
Time we made the same threat to Iran???

Energy wimps.

It was just a few words. But it was all the reason Pakistan's President Musharraf needed to turn his back on the Taliban and join the war on terrorism: According to Musharraf, top State Department official Richard Armitage delivered him a startling message. In a "60 Minutes" interview with CBS's Steve Kroft, Musharraf says he was insulted by the blunt warning just after 9-11. But Musharraf says he had no choice except to go along.

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>N058.mp3
Time: 7s
Title: N058
Description: MUSHARRAF, PERVEZ - President of Pakistan.
Out-cue: "the stone age."]
NEW YORK - President Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan said that after the September 11 attacks the United States threatened to bomb his country if it did not cooperate with America's war campaign against the Taliban in Afghanistan.
Musharraf, in an interview with CBS news magazine show "60 Minutes" that will air Sunday, said the threat came from Assistant Secretary of State Richard Armitage and was given to Musharraf's intelligence director.
"The intelligence director told me that (Armitage) said, 'Be prepared to be bombed. Be prepared to go back to the Stone Age,"' Musharraf said.
"I think it was a very rude remark."
The Pakistani leader, whose remarks were distributed to the media by CBS, said he reacted to the threat in a responsible way.
"One has to think and take actions in the interest of the nation, and that's what I did," Musharraf said about the cooperation extended by Pakistan.
Musharraf said some demands made by the United States were "ludicrous," including one insisting he suppress domestic expression of support for terrorism against the United States.
"If somebody's expressing views, we cannot curb the expression of views," Musharraf said. 
Index 

SAFER.CBS
Moved: 9/28/2006 6:48
SAFER.CBS 

What? We're NOT safer? This is DR...

"Safer, but not yet safe": was going to be the President's line for the campaign season, but now, intelligence sources tell the New York Times that we're not even SAFER.

Because the latest intel report to the President concludes Iraq has become the primary training ground for Terror 2.0, the Next Generation. Something former CIA Director Porter Goss warned about -- a year and a half ago:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>porter goss SHORT.wav
Time: 5s
Title: porter goss SHORT
Out-cue: ]

And once again we wonder -- what's the point of being a superpower?

Why can't we have our way with these terrorists the way we did with President Musharraf of Pakistan? All it took was threatening to bomb him back to the Stone Age, INSTANT ALLY!

THAT's the way its supposed to work.

Of course, it turns out Musharraf is pretty easy to control. Just ask Simon and Shuster:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>musharraf SHORT.wav
Time: 7s
Title: musharraf SHORT
Description: musharraf SHORT
Out-cue: ]

That's why he couldn't comment on the Stone Age line.

There's one even Mr, Bush hasn't tried -- "I'd LIKE to tell you how we treat prisoners, but I'm under contract with Simon and Shuster."

Anyway, maybe that's what we have to do with Al Qaeda - threaten to bomb them back to the Stone Age. A time when human beings were MORE ruthless, and life was even cheaper than it is now!

Hmmm... 

You know, on second thought -- maybe it would be better to bomb them back to the Age of Reason. That was a good age.

And if that doesn't plant democracy, we bomb 'em back to the Age of Aquarius,
so they're too spaced out to threaten anybody.

Now this. 
Index 

RICE.CBS
Moved: 9/28/2006 6:48
RICE.CBS 

We are now in full tit-for-tat mode. This is Dave Ross...

Bill Clinton set it off Sunday when he pounced on Chris Wallace for asking why he didn't do more to get Osama:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>clinton THEY DID NOT TRY.wav
Time: 13s
Title: clinton THEY DID NOT TRY
Description: clinton THEY DID NOT TRY
Out-cue: ]

Them's fighting words -- and so Condoleezza Rice met with the editors of the New York Post to say Clinton's claims were flatly FALSE. "What we did in [the eight months before 9/11] was at least as aggressive as what the Clinton Administration did in the preceding years," she said.

Clinton actually admitted several times in the interview that he failed to get Osama, but said at least he left a plan, and a guy who could carry it out:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>clinton I LEFT A PLAN.wav
Time: 8s
Title: clinton I LEFT A PLAN
Out-cue: ]

No he did NOT leave a comprehensive strategy to fight al Qaeda, said Rice, and Richard Clarke was NOT demoted -- he quit.

There IS one thing they agree on. Rice described this as not a "very fruitful discussion." And Clinton seemed to agree:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>clinton NEVER CRITICIZED BUSH.wav
Time: 3s
Title: clinton NEVER CRITICIZED BUSH
Description: clinton NEVER CRITICIZED BUSH
Out-cue: ]

Of course he also said this:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>clinton ONE SEVENTH AS IMPORTANT.wav
Time: 6s
Title: clinton ONE SEVENTH AS IMPORTANT
Description: clinton ONE SEVENTH AS IMPORTANT
Out-cue: ]

So fruitful or not, this isn't over. Because Clinton is ticked off, AND because Chris Wallace had his best ratings in three years. Which leaves an entire industry crossing its fingers that Hillary will try to make Bill Clinton first man.

Now this. 
Index 

INTELLIGENCE.CBS
Moved: 9/28/2006 6:48
INTELLIGENCE.CBS

Suppose we actually READ the report? This is Dave Ross...

I have the National Intelligence Estimate just declassified by the President. So instead of debating the politics, suppose we just read what it says.

Because it doesn't merely describe how terrorists are responding to Iraq -- it also proposes a way to beat them:

(QUOTE) The jihadists greatest vulnerability is that their ultimate political solution, an ultra-conservative interpretation of sharia-based governance spanning the Muslim world, is unpopular with the vast majority of Muslims. 

Exposing the religious and political straitjacket that is implied by the jihadists propaganda would help to divide them from the audiences they seek to persuade.

...The Muslim mainstream emerges as the most powerful weapon in the war on terror. (UNQUOTE)

In other words, yes we CAN win, and our main weapon needs to be an all-out, fully-mobilized, laser-guided public debate.

The President and other Western leaders have to stand up, admit their mistakes, and then challenge Osama bin Laden, and Ayman Al-Zawahiri and the other icons of al Qaeda to publicly describe the kind of governments their movement plans to impose.

Let them describe a life where Imams make all your decisions, where you are told what schools to attend, what to wear, what to watch, and where not only Islam, but a specific interpretation of Islam must be accepted on pain of death.

The National Intelligence Estimate is saying we've made America the issue. When what we ought to do is make ultra-conservative ISLAM the issue. One look at the blue jeans in Tehran tells me THAT is the war we can win. 

Now this. 
Index 

OWENS.CBS
Moved: 9/28/2006 6:48
OWES.CBS

Reports of his suicide were greatly exaggerated. But why? This is DR....

Who takes the blame for yesterday's Terrel Owens suicide story debacle -- his agent, the cops, the news media?

In the media's defense, it DID look like a coverup. The initial police report talked about the empty bottle, and had Owens answering yes when cops asked if he'd tried to harm himself -- while the official report had all that stuff blacked out.

-- So there were bulletins, special reports, bookies cut the betting limit on Sunday's Cowboys game, according to a betting website -- not that I'd know.

But the fact remains, the guy showed up at a news conference 5 an a half hours after the 911 call, then bounded on to the practice field.

A little angry, maybe, but not depressed.

So why were we all ready to believe that a guy making $25 million dollars for playing a game he loves would wolf down a bunch of painkillers?

Because secretly, we ordinary people like to think that EX-traordinary people, who are super talented, super rich, super flamboyant, or all three -- are also secretly depressed.

That's what makes it bearable to be ordinary. That's what keeps US from being more depressed.

You super rich people don't what it's like out here -- every time we turn on the TV we see you up there being smarter, richer, more talented, more outrageous than we are, hogging ALL the attention, our children watch as if HYPNOTIZED, and we get jealous.

Except for those people on the Biggest Loser -- where people who eat way too much are forced to expose their abdomens on network TV.

But that's what drives this.

And then no matter what happens during the week -- you grab a few passes in the endzone Sunday, all is forgiven.

Which also depresses us.

Now this. 
Index 

NASABOLT.CBS
Moved: 9/15/2006 7:37
NASABOLT.CBS

My space hero. This is DR. Sponsored by the Michigan Economic Development Corporation. Wherever in the World You Compete, Michigan can give you the upper hand.

He is my new space hero. I speak of course of Canadian Astronaut Steve MacLean who was trying to remove a restraint on the rotary joint, when his power socket wrench busted:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>astronauts 091306 BROKE SOCKET.wav
Time: 7s
Title: astronauts 091306 BROKE SOCKET
Description: N187
Out-cue: ]

Did you hear that? Did you hear Steve's tone of voice?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>astronaut SHORT.wav
Time: 1s
Title: astronaut SHORT
Description: astronaut SHORT
Out-cue: ]

Translation, "I have all the pieces DAMMIT." I could pick up that vibe even across the endless vacuum of space. 

And it's OK Steve... for years we men have been breaking tools. Tools purchased from a cardboard bin marked "three for 99." And we fantasized about what it would be like to have real tools. Tools like a multi-billion dollar space program would have.

Now we know -- NASA buys its tools from the same place. Of course, when I ruined MY socket wrench it was because I lost my temper with ... well never mind.

And as for those bolts that floated away yesterday ... I have at least 30 little drawers filled with leftover nuts, bolts, springs, gears -- from stuff that I've fixed. I find that a lot of equipment is overbuilt, Steve, don't worry about it.

Perhaps from time to time those bolts will catch the light of the sun, and give us do-it-yourselfers a star we can call our own.

So thank you Steve, Thank you for not being perfect, and also for showing us that there is at least ONE remodeling job being done by people who have all their documents. Even if you are Canadian. 

Now this. 
Index 

GLOBALWA.CBS
Moved: 9/15/2006 7:37
GLOBALWA.CBS

Is nature about to impose term limits? This is DR...

The warning from NASA couldn't be clearer:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>nasa on global warming.wav
Time: 8s
Title: nasa on global warming
Description: nasa on global warming
Out-cue: ]

And the reason is that according to NASA research, since 2004, the 10 foot ice layer that covers the Arctic Ocean has decreased by an area roughly the size of Texas. 

This is the ice that controls sea level. And the rapid warming shows no sign of stopping.

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>N186.mp3
Time: 13s
Title: N186
Description: JAMES HANSEN
Out-cue: THAT COURSE]

A much less desirable planet. That could be trouble, especially with Pluto out of the solar system. We only have 7 other options now. So what do we do? 

Well first, we have to get control of the vocabulary. We have to call global warming what it really is - The Greenhouse Gassing of Our Own People. Climatological Terrorism.

Which means the only question is which Marine division do we send to the Arctic?

And if that doesn't work, I would recommend ... DENIAL. Because the NASA research isn't all bad. NASA points out that a warmer Arctic could open up the Northwest Passage year-round. Allowing for arctic luxury cruises. And the best part is, your cruise ship would be able to dock right at your downtown hotel -- I figure at about the third floor.

So you want to book above that, of course.

Yes it is... 
Index 

CONSPIRACY.CBS
Moved: 9/15/2006 7:36
CONSPIRACY.CBS

E-mail to daveross.com. This is DR...

This week, the commemoration of the September 11th attacks prompted a number of listener requests to investigate the REAL reason the towers came down.

-- that being the government conspiracy to create a reason to start a world war against terrorism.

Since the first images of the towers collapsing into their own footprint, there have claims the airplanes alone couldn't have been responsible.

-- that the buildings must have been rigged. Look at Building 7, which WASN'T hit by a plane, but ALSO neatly collapsed later in the day.

OK. I read every e-mail. I follow up where possible. I have talked to Stephen Jones, the Brigham Young professor who pushes this theory. I asked him a simple question. If the towers were brought down deliberately, by planted demolition charges, how many charges would have to be set?

He could not tell me. No one I've asked that question to can tell me.

And it's important. Because if you could do it with say, TEN charges, I might buy the idea there was a conspiracy. But if it takes HUNDREDS of charges, precisely placed, by professionals ... in an occupied building - THAT would be difficult to cover up.

Plus, I got this e-mail from Rick who wrote, 

Dave, 

The buildings commenced their collapses at the point on each building where
the planes struck. How could the perpetrator teams locate their explosives
at the exact location of the plane strikes in advance?

Rick

Hmmm. Well Rick, I guess its because our government is THAT omnipotent. Although -- how could a government that omnipotent have so much trouble winning the war it went to such lengths to start?

Now this. 
Index 

POPE.CBS
Moved: 9/15/2006 7:35
POPE.CBS

Faith and reason. This is DR...

The one bright note in the rising religious tension that grips the world -- is that the Pope loves everybody, and everybody loves him.

In fact, Pope Benedict was in Regensburg Germany just this week making the point that cultures and religions must understand each other. And that religious belief cannot be forced.

And during this speech about cultural understanding, he decided to quote a 14th century Byzantine emperor, who was at the time trying to protect his empire from Muslim invaders. 

And this emperor, said the Pope, wrote the following: "Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached." 

Unquote. The Pope never explicitly agreed with the emperor's words, and he was not trying to say anything against Mohammad, just making the point that violent forms of jihad as practiced by certain Muslim radicals ... are incompatible with the nature of God.
Utterly uncontroversial in today's world!
Except, as it turns out, for the angry protests that have now spread from Turkey to Indonesia.
In one city in India, copies of newspapers carrying the Pope's remarks had to be seized as a precaution, and one Muslim commentator said "Things could get worse if the Pope does not apologize." And I don't think he's referring to candlelight vigils. 
Oh Yes... and the Pope is scheduled to visit Turkey in November. Which gives his Holiness about a month and half to figure out that no matter what 14th century Byzantine Emperors may have thought, the Islam of today -- and I'm only going to say this once -- is about peaceful coexistence!
Now this. 
Index 

911ANNIVERSARY.CBS
Moved: 9/12/2006 7:55
911ANNIVERSARY.CBS 09/11/06

Remembering what no one can forget. This is DR... Sponsored by the Michigan Economic Development Corporation. Wherever in the world you compete, Michigan can give you the upper hand.

The strange thing about devoting this day to remembering September 11th is the implication that any of us could forget it

The choice we face NOW is whether we are just going to re-traumatize ourselves, or go beyond that. We all know you have to remember history, but you can't let it suffocate you. If you immerse yourself in the traumatic events of your past, it can become quicksand.

You become a culture that defines itself by its victimhood. You live in perpetual anger.

And we're seeing some of that anger here.

There has developed in the last five years a sense that some people are good Americans, and some people are bad Americans. That some people have a right to join this debate, and others don't.

We compete for who gets to wave the flag; we've even color-coded ourselves as if the flag could somehow exist without red or without blue! An American flag without red and blue ... is white.

So if you're going to remember this day for anything, remember it as the day that ALL of us joined the front lines.

Democrats, Republicans, pacifists, militarists - we all got drafted. Any one one of us could be ordered into action at any time, and in almost any place.

Which means each of us has as much say about defending this nation as any expert, or any general or any politician -- and the right to say it without being labelled as anything other than a loyal American trying to protect his country.

Now this. 
Index 

OSAMA.CBS
Moved: 9/12/2006 7:55
OSAMA.CBS 9/12/06

Poor deluded al Qaeda. This is DR... 

The foiled car bomb attack in Damascus today -- reminds us that we're not the ONLY ones screwing up in this war. I mean, we've certainly made big mistakes, but for all the mistakes WE'VE made in the War on TERRORISM, if we look at al Qaeda's track record in THEIR war against Western Civilization -- it's even worse.

Western Civilization continues to spread EVERYWHERE -- and as for converting us to Islam? Last week al Qaeda issued a tape called "Invitation to Islam," which included this line: "We invite all Americans and believers to Islam ...Decide today, because (QUOTE) today could be your last day."
That might work with an appliance sale, but it's NOT going to cause a stampede to the Mosque. You guys should consider -- your last celebrity convert -- was Michael Jackson in 2003. His coattails are fairly short.
Then in YESTERDAY'S tape, Ayman al-Zawahiri said that our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan are (QUOTE) "doomed to defeat."
If you really want us out, Ayman, the LAST thing you do is say is that we are (QUOTE) "doomed to defeat" right before an election.
In fact, if you REALLY wanted us gone, you'd make PEACE break out. Then the Iraqi GOVERNMENT would tell us to leave, and we'd have no choice. 
You see, we Americans have hearts and minds too. And if you REALLY want to win us over, you'd be protecting the oil fields throughout the Muslim World, not blowing them up. You'd train your young men to be geologists, not terrorists. Because then, you wouldn't have to spend a hundred years CONVERTING us. You could just BUY us in 20.

Now this. 
Index 

DOCUDRAMA.CBS
Moved: 9/8/2006 7:55
DOCUDRAMA.CBS 
The many faces of truth. This is DR...
This weekend ABC will broadcast, in some form, a docudrama called the "Path to 9/11," prompting dismay from former Clinton Administration officials, and prompting popcorn purchases from conservatives.
The top complaint of the Clintonites? The movie's implication that the Impeachment scandal distracted Clinton from taking out Osama bin Laden at a time when the CIA had him in their sights.
But wait a minute -- even if the impeachment scandal DID indeed help bin Laden go free - part of the blame would HAVE to go to the people who pushed impeachment, wouldn't it? They KNEW it would distract the president -- heck it was DESIGNED to distract the president!
The impeachers argued that Bill Clinton's deception about his sexual affairs was THE most crucial problem facing America at the time. In fact when he DID launch that strike against bin Laden, they said he was doing it to divert attention from what was REALLY important... lies about sex! And I think I speak for every American when I say thank GOD America is finally safe from that!
But the other remarkable thing about this whole controversy is how the roles have changed.
When Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 came out, slamming George Bush as dithering and indecisive, liberals loved it, conservatives dismissed it as a fabrication, and even though a Disney division had financed the film, Disney refused to distribute it.
With the "Path to 9/11", portraying Clinton as dithering and indecisive, liberals hate it, and even though it TOO contains fabricated scenes, conservatives love it. And ABC, which is owned by Disney, will broadcast it commercial-free as a public service.
Now this. 
Index 

IRWIN.CBS 09/05/06
Moved: 9/5/2006 9:15
IRWIN.CBS 09/05/06

Are we safe yet? This is DR...

The latest White House security assessment concludes that the al Qaeda network is significantly degraded, but still dangerous.

The Democrats were right there with a competing assessment -- that years of Republican policies have made America less safe and less able to fight terrorism.

Meantime, there was another al Qaeda tape over the weekend, featuring an American convert, urging more Americans to convert to Islam.

Suggestion to al Qaeda on the conversion issue -- you might want to try a little less suicide, and a little more coffee and donuts.

But this is all of course designed to focus our attention on SECURITY in time for the election. Republicans and Democrats BOTH think they can out-secure the other.

Except -- we really don't know what works, do we? I mean do we? Is the war in Iraq more effective than the TSA rearranging your toiletries? Would a border fence make us safer, or just keep out hard-working fruit pickers so that all the apples rot? Plus Iran's nukes, the exile of Pluto...

You know what the world feels like? Like we're surrounded by hungry crocodiles. I look at all those clips we're seeing of Steve Irwin, and you know what ... that's us! We've stirred up a Crocodile nest, and now we're looking for someone who can lead us out of it.

But there's no such person. There's no policy or politician that can guarantee a danger-free life.

Even if you locked yourself in your Panic room, you'd keep out the terrorists, but you'd die of obesity.

Each of us has to decide whether we are going to live life on OUR terms, or on someone else's -- knowing that no matter HOW prepared you are, there's always the chance you'll go snorkeling in the wrong place.

Now this. 
Index 

LABORDAY.CBS
Moved: 9/4/2006 6:08
LABORDAY.CBS 08/31/06 6:50 PM-DLR 0:31

How to celebrate Labor Day. This is DR...

Labor Day in this country started with a group called the Knights of Labor in 1882. The Knights actually began as a secret organization of tailors, under the motto, "An injury to one is the concern of all." They had oaths, special tailor rituals -- but they finally decided to go public with a march in New York City in 1882, and again in 1884, and finally they got the attention of President Grover Cleveland who made the September Day an official holiday.

Of course, a lot has changed since then. You don't see laborers marching these days. Tailors are now fashion designers with their own TV show.

And as for unions - they may have helped create the middle class, but the middle class seems weary of them, probably because most of us just don't think of ourselves as laborers anymore.

So on the way to the lake, maybe spend a moment think about the people who pick up a hammer, lift boxes, sweep floors, pick apples, catch fish, cut meat, work the assembly line, sweat pipes together, slap up the drywall, pick up the garbage, deliver appliances, move furniture, rip out the old shingles and put down the new ones, dig out a stump, rotate the tires, pour the concrete, dig up the water main, string 15,000 volt wires, cut trees, plant trees, empty bedpans, bag groceries, pull the weeds, make the beds, serve the school lunch, drive the bus, the truck, the taxi, cut the carpet, stack the lumber, rivet the steel girders, and wash the windows on the 50th floor.

Many of them are even American citizens!

Now this.

~F:\works\files\LABORDAY.CBS 
Index 

BUMSOUT.CBS
Moved: 9/4/2006 6:08
BUMSOUT.CBS 

E-mail to daveross.com. This is DR..

Dale writes, 

Dear Dave:

I have always found your political commentary ... thought-provoking, etc...

Now that another election season is upon us ... I would like to propose the following radical, and perhaps revolutionary idea. 

THROW THE BUMS OUT!!!

The method is amazingly simple in concept. All it requires is this: Vote against the incumbents...ALL OF THEM! This action would immediately change the entire House of Representatives and 1/3 of the Senate, and completely rearrange the State Legislature. A side effect would be the destruction of the legislative seniority system, which would then require a complete revision of procedural rules. Further it would wreck the political spoils system, and drive the lobbyists crazy.

Difficult to accomplish? Certainly! Likely? Probably not. But worth thinking 
about nevertheless.

Thanks for letting me rant.

Dale

Thank you Dale. I can see you're frustrated. You are desperate for a way to show that it's the people who are truly in control. But you fall into the same trap that so many reformers fall into. You assume Americans think tyheir politicians are bums. But they don't. If Americans thought their politicians were bums, they'd have thrown them out long ago. 

The problem is that while most Americans may loathe Congress collectively, they actually like their own representative.

So a slogan like "Throw The Bums Out" won't work. If you want a complete congressional turnover, the slogan needs to be "Throw Even The Nice Guys Out."

The Bums self-destruct. It's the nice guys who are there forever.

Good luck Dale. Now this. 
Index 

TIMETABLE.CBS
Moved: 9/4/2006 6:07
TIMETABLE.CBS

I think we just got a timetable. This is DR...

The President has said it many times, and he said it again today - that to withdraw from Iraq before finishing the mission would destroy US credibility.

Which I'd have to guess is at an all-time high now, with Arab regimes across the middle east begging us to come in and help them build democracy too!

Well maybe not. But at least when we tell the President of IRAN to stop enriching uranium he ... smiles at us. Which shows he finds us entertaining...

But never mind that -- because there IS good news from Iraq. Even though the President has stood firmly against setting a timetable, look what we got yesterday from General George Casey:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>maj gen george casey 083006 12 TO 18 MONTHS.wav
Time: 21s
Title: maj gen george casey 083006 12 TO 18 MONTHS
Out-cue: ]

12-18 months and the Iraqi army will need "very little coalition support" which means the troops can come home, and those shiny new bases can be turned over to a secure and self-sufficient Iraq.

Up until now, the president's been saying we'll be there as long as he's president, which is almost TWENTY-NINE MONTHS.

Gen. Casey is saying 18. Which means military families might get to see their loved ones BEFORE Armageddon.

Unless General Casey finds himself suddenly called home to receive the Medal of Freedom.

Now this. 
Index 

BUSHSPEECH.CBS
Moved: 9/4/2006 6:07
BUSHSPEECH.CBS

Flirting with disaster. This is DR...

By now you've heard the latest reason why losing Iraq would be a disaster:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush 083106 FACE THEM IN OUR CITIES.wav
Time: 6s
Title: bush 083106 FACE THEM IN OUR CITIES
Description: bush 083106 FACE THEM IN OUR CITIES
Out-cue: ]

Which, of course, no one wants. But I was thinking -- suppose they DID try to fight us here? Don't we win that one?

See here in America, unlike in Iraq, the people are actually on the SIDE of law and order. Heck we have SWAT teams who will kick in your door just for growing a little weed, never mind fooling around with explosives. And on the airplanes -- passengers are ready to tackle you for requesting a PILLOW in a threatening manner.

Actually I think what concerns people about the Iraq War is that after three and a half years, victory keeps getting farther away. Once upon a time it was about catapulting Saddam... but now:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush 083106 IRAQ IS CENTRAL.wav
Time: 7s
Title: bush 083106 IRAQ IS CENTRAL
Out-cue: ]

Yikes!

If it's true that in 2006 the threat to Western Civilization is from a bunch of cave-dwelling 12th century fanatics with improvised car bombs and explosives made from sports drinks, do we still need all those nuclear submarines?

We spend a PILE of money to protect civilization. If you combine the annual military budgets of our arch enemies... Cuba, North Korea, Syria AND Iran ... and then multiply it by THIRTY-TWO it would be ALMOST as much as WE spend on defense.

If that's not enough to protect Western Civilization -- could we have the money back? If we have to go down, at least we should have a hosted bar.

Now this. 
Index 

RUMSFELD.CBS
Moved: 8/30/2006 7:52
RUMSFELD.CBS
The appeasers are at it again. This is DR...
It was another speech to put the war critics in their place. This time Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld told the American Legion convention that these critics who criticize the Iraq war, and criticize the conduct of the wider war on terror, “seem not to have learned history’s lessons.”
He compared terrorist groups to a “new type of fascism,” and then asked rhetorically, “With the growing lethality ... of weapons, can we truly afford to believe that somehow, some way, vicious extremists can be appeased?”

Appeased. A reference the 1930s when the British and the French appeased Hitler.

This has been a theme -- that America is rife with terrorist appeasers who welcome Hitler into their hot tubs.

I'm still trying to find out which of you are against fighting terrorists. I find most Americans to be very much opposed to suicidal maniacs.

However I DO meet people who wonder if their government knows what it's doing. And so it's no surprise the Defense Secretary keeps drawing parallels to WWII -- we won THAT one hands down.

And yet -- where are the terrorist panzers so we can encircle them? Where's the terrorist Luftwaffe so we can shoot it down? Where's the terrorist Bismarck so we can sink it? 

World War II gave us the idea that we were so good, we could win wars not just against ENEMIES, but against DYSFUNCTION.

Identify a problem, declare war, win, problem solved!

Declare a war on Poverty! A war on Drugs! A war on Spam!

Look how well it's all working! 

I know! We could declare a war on Incompetence!

Naw, you're right -- we'd probably screw that one up.

Now this. 
Index 

AIRRIOT.CBS
Moved: 8/25/2006 10:00
AIRRIOT.CBS

Plane that ate my vacation. This DR.

We've all been through it. You're on a plane, you know it's supposed to be taking off, but it doesn't and nobody tells you anything. And then they say there's a problem which should take about 15 minutes. And then... time stops.

Oh, but nothing you've been through compares to what happened on Virgin Atlantic Flight 63 yesterday as it was preparing to leave London's Gatwick Airport for Havana.

Departure time was 9:30 a.m. The doors finally closed at 10. They sit on the ground until 11, when the crew says there's a technical problem which will take 15 minutes. We all know what 15 minutes means in airline time. Sure enough, a half hour later, the crew says they're waiting for a spare part. Which, of course, means it's being shipped from Pluto. Oh, pardon, no Pluto anymore. Uranus. At least that's closer.

1:30p.m. -- the part arrives. The plane is now 4 hours late. 2:45 -- the crew says the in-flight meals could spoil if the plane doesn't take off by 3:30.

3:25 the plane finally takes off, but an airport car speeds down the runway to signal to the captain he has a bad tire. The takeoff is aborted.

3:45, plane goes back to terminal. 4:00, flight cancelled. Cops called in because passengers are about to riot. 4:30 -- 7 hours after departure time, passengers allowed off, and told their luggage will be delayed.

But on the bright side. If there had been a suicidal terrorist aboard --I think he'd be telling God to keep the dang virgins.

Now this. 
Index 

TOMCRUISE.CBS
Moved: 8/24/2006 7:24
TOMCRUISE.CBS

Ground control to Major Tom! This is DR...

Tom Cruise has been fired. Or at least, as close as you can get to being fired when you're a legendary international celebrity. He's being kicked off the Paramount lot by the man who ultimately owns it, Viacom Chairman Sumner Redstone.

Mr. Redstone described Mr. Cruise as essentially a decent guy and a great actor, but enough is enough.

The story goes that Tom's fall began in 2004 when the fired his old publicist, whose job apparently had been to make sure her client's ACTUAL personality remained classified.

Once Tom replaced her with his older sister Lee Anne, who also happens to share his belief in Scientology, the Cruise Control disengaged, and we all know what happened next. 

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>N146.mp3
Time: 11s
Title: N146
Description: Archive tape: Tom Cruise on "Oprah"
Out-cue: way before (cheers)]...I know"

Couch-jumping, Brooke Bashing, and Katie Kissing.

It might have been OK, if the fans had been able to look past it, but these days, we have our choice of legendary international celebrities, and Tom was becoming the close-talker party guest you can't get away from.

Oh yeah -- and Mission Impossible III, which Paramount expected to make $500 million dollars, only made $393 million dollars.

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>N145.mp3
Time: 5s
Title: N145
Description: Archive tape: Tom Cruise on "Oprah"
Out-cue: in love. (cheers)]...happened to you."

Scientology and the Love Jones is what happened. So not only does he lose a deal that gave him 20% of the take, he will have to surrender the keys to Lucille Ball's old office.

Being a decent guy and a great actor may get you into Scientology heaven, sitting at the right hand of Galactic ruler Lord Xenu, but it won't keep you on the Paramount lot.

Now this. 
Index 

BOMBSCARE.CBS
Moved: 8/24/2006 7:24
BOMBSCARE.CBS 
Things not to do on a plane. This is DR
The latest airplane scare involves a Northwest Airlines flight bound for India. 
Dutch F-16s escorted the plane to Amsterdam after the pilot radioed he had 12 suspicious passengers trying to use cell phones and passing them to each other while the plane was taking off. The men also appeared to be of South Asian descent.
They're being questioned now, and I'm sure there's a perfectly innocent reason for passing cell phones around during take off... probably sharing high resolution baby pictures...
But all the same, maybe this would be a good time just to go over once again the Things NOT to do on a plane... so here they are:
[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Jingle Things Not To Do.wav
Time: 3s
Title: Jingle Things Not To Do
Out-cue: ]
Based on recent incidents, these are the behaviors that will get you in trouble if you do them on or near an airplane:
Writing a note on the back of an air sick bag stating, 'there's a bomb on this aircraft' and passing it among the passengers and flight crew.
Getting into a fight with the cabin attendant because he told you that you couldn't use the bathroom ten minutes into the flight, and then storming off toward the cockpit to complain to the captain about it. That happened on Qatar Airways.
Wearing heavy clothing on a warm day and continuously checking your watch while looking a little too Islamic.
And of course, becoming claustrophobic and punching the bulkhead, while carrying a screwdriver, cigarette lighters, and lotion, and then peeing on the floor, after offering to show the flight crew your snapshots of Pakistan.
All of these things will delay your arrival at your intended destination.
I know, I know, you're saying, Dave, what CAN we do anymore on a plane??
You can, look straight ahead and enjoy your breakfast cracker. Now this.
[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Jingle Things Not To Do.wav
Time: 3s
Title: Jingle Things Not To Do
Out-cue: ] 
Index 

LIEBERMAN.CBS
Moved: 8/23/2006 6:44
LIEBERMAN.CBS 
Must Joe go? This is DR...
Senator Joseph Lieberman lost the Connecticut Democratic primary to anti-war candidate Ned Lamont, and immediately decided to run as an Independent Democrat.
But now -- there's a movement to de-Democrat him entirely. To kick him out of the party altogether.
A group of peace activists want Connecticut's registrar of voters to remove Lieberman from the party, on the grounds that it's not the candidate who gets to determine who's a democrat, but the voters, and the voters decided the Democrat was Ned Lamont. 
Interesting question -- what do you do with a Democrat trapped in the body of an Independent? There's always that surgeon in Thailand...
But no, apparently the Democrats would convene a tribal council, during which Lieberman would have to convince party elders that he still adheres to the party's principles.
The strange thing is why the Democrats would want to do this -- since they have that rarest of all gifts -- a general election where the party wins no matter what. The President won't even acknowledge that there's a Republican in the race.
If Lieberman is somehow forcibly de-programmed, what if he wins? He's forced to caucus with the Republicans? And vote for ALL of their stuff instead of just SOME of their stuff? 
Very weird.
Of course the Democrats real problem is something I've been harping on for a long time -- failure to reproduce. As professor Arthur Brooks points out in today's Wall Street Journal, the childbirth rate among liberal-leaning families is 41% below the conservative rate. Democrats will either have to start having significantly more unprotected sex, or find ways to tolerate conservatives like Joe Lieberman.

Now this. 
Index 

GASPRICE.CBS*
Moved: 8/21/2006 7:38
GASPRICE.CBS (AUG 29)

What's the REAL rice of gas? This is DR.

Well, Dave you say, that's easy, the real price of gas - is way too high. Except it's not. And I say that only because I've talked with economist Milton Copulos, who runs the National Defense Council Foundation and is a specialist in military spending.

The senate asked him to track the military costs specifically linked to protecting imported oil. He included missions in Iraq and Kuwait attributable to protecting oil, but did not include missions in Afghanistan and Somalia that had nothing to to with oil:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>copulos 081606 UP TO 825 BILLION.wav
Time: 8s
Title: copulos 081606 UP TO 825 BILLION
Description: copulos 081606 UP TO 825 BILLION
Out-cue: ]

825.1 billion dollars a year.

And then he took the next step -- calculating what gasoline made from Middle Eastern oil would cost IF oil companies had to pay NOT just the cost of refining and marketing the oil, but protecting it:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>copulos 081606 11 DOLLARS GALLON.wav
Time: 7s
Title: copulos 081606 11 DOLLARS GALLON
Description: copulos 081606 11 DOLLARS GALLON
Out-cue: ]

Of course, America does not get ALL of its oil from the middle east -- thank goodness -- but even when you mix in domestic supplies, and imports from stable regions, the equivalent price per gallon still comes in at $7.50/gallon.

What to do? Milt Copulos backs a bill to set a MINIMUM price for gasoline at $2.10 a gallon -- as a way to encourage investment in alternative energy that doesn't need such an expensive security force.

He predicts that once people come to understand what they're REALLY paying for gas -- they'll feel ripped off enough to actually DO something about it.

Now this. 
Index 

POISONFOOD.CBS*
Moved: 8/21/2006 7:37
POISONFOOD.CBS (AUG 28)

We are being sweetened to death. This is DR...

America tends to be a land of excess, but there is one thing you can never get too much of: obesity studies. And the latest one is good news for a change. It says that obesity is NOT OUR FAULT.

I mean FINALLY! Something that we DON'T have to feel guilty about!

Obesity expert Dr Robert Lustig of UC San Francisco studied the hormones that control eating, and found that the human body is DRIVEN to eat more by the way our food is poisoned with SUGAR.

Everything from yogurt to white bread is laced with sugars that cause the body to believe its still hungry. That's because the sugar stimulates insulin, and the insulin blocks the "I feel full" hormone from reaching the hypothalamus.

So you keep eating. And apparently, until that hormone kicks in, you will eat and eat and eat until your belt snaps. At which point the "My belt snapped" hormone kicks in, and the hypothalamus finally gets the message.

This is why, he says, it's unfair to blame obesity on personal weakness, because sugar is literally addictive, and kicking sugar is like kicking nicotine, except that it's harder because we're living on the Big Rock Candy Mountain out here. Every can of soda has TEN teaspoons of sugar in it, enough to terrify even a well-adjusted hypothalamus.

And that's why Dr Lustig says the only way to control obesity is to WARN people about highly-processed food, and even BAN products with too much sugar. Of course the beverage industry is against this. They know the main problem isn't the sugar, it's those dang human hormones!

Who needs 'em! They cause obesity, pre-marital sex, pimples...

Now this. 
Index 

OZONE.CBS
Moved: 8/21/2006 7:37
OZONE.CBS 08/21/06-7:28

Call the Intelligent Designer! This is DR....

Searching today for something NOT about John Mark Karr, and his cosmetic hair removal surgery in preparation for a sex change operation in Thailand, I came across this headline: "Treaty to plug ozone hole causes a new problem."

It's been so LONG since we heard from the Ozone Hole. I thought we'd plugged it long ago. But no, we're still trying, as as a result of our efforts to save the Ozone, we may be adding to Global Warming.

That's what it says. Which drives me NUTS - because the Ozone hole is mostly over Antarctica, where I hardly ever go, while Global Warming, as the name implies, is GLOBAL.

What happened is -- that the Ozone-friendly products that we all switched to, also turn out to be Global Warming Friendly.

So in the process of protecting ourselves from sunburn, our crops dry up and we die of thirst.

And of course the biggest culprits are the very gasses that make AIR CONDITIONERS work.

Great! You just can't win!

I see only one way out. It is time to test Intelligent Design theory. I talked last week with the author of the latest book on Intelligent Design, and he could not say when the Intelligent Designer would decide to tinker with creation again. But if he's out there, THIS would be a good time.

He needs to step in and redesign us for a warmer climate.

Bigger sweat glands, darker skin (at least for us white people), better UVB tolerance, in case we have to give up on the Ozone hole, maybe humps on our back so we can retain water longer.

And as long as he's at it -- install a little knob that can change you into the opposite sex without having to go to Thailand.

Now this. 
Index 

STALKING.CBS
Moved: 8/18/2006 8:01
STALKING.CBS

Stalking terrorists. This is DR....

The President lost a big one this week: A federal judge in Detroit ruled that the President's wiretapping program was unconstitutional. In fact, UNBELIEVABLY unconstitutional. Wrote the judge, "the President's actions blatantly disregarded the parameters clearly enumerated by the Bill of Rights."

Yikes! I believe she's saying he violated his oath of office to preserve protect and defend the Constitution!

Which means - she might want to check her phone.

Because the war on terror is more important than ever before, and the stakes got even higher when the President made this statement about Iraq:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush 081606 ENEMY WILL FOLLOW US HOME.wav
Time: 10s
Title: bush 081606 ENEMY WILL FOLLOW US HOME
Out-cue: ]

In other words, we're not just up against ordinary terrorists -- these guys are stalkers! Like swarming paparazzi.

What do we do about THAT? I'll tell you what we do. We unleash our secret weapon: Because we have a stalker of our own!

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>cnn promo 081606 CNN WILL GET OBL.wav
Time: 15s
Title: cnn promo 081606 CNN WILL GET OBL
Description: cnn promo 081606 CNN WILL GET OBL
Out-cue: ]

Look behind you bin Laden! You may be able to escape the Army, the Air Force, the Navy, the Marines, the Coast Guard.

But you cannot escape BASIC CABLE. 

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>CNN Terror Music.wav
Time: 2s
Title: CNN Terror Music
Description: CNN Terror Music
Out-cue: ]

You may have liquid explosives, but we have terrifying production music! 

Now this. 
Index 

JONBENET2.CBS
Moved: 8/18/2006 8:01
JONBENET2.CBS

Now there's speculation he may NOT have done it. This is DR...

Now we're told there is growing concern that John Mark Karr, may NOT be involved in the JonBenet murder.

Number one: he said she'd been drugged. No drugs were found in her body. Number two, no evidence -yet- actually links him to the crime. Number three, his second ex-wife says she can prove he was in Alabama at the time.

Of course, an even stronger alibi might be that he's been a long-time resident of the Planet Perverto, with an active fantasy life.

Here's one of the e-mails he sent to the Colorado Professor who eventually called police:

(QUOTE) "JonBenet, my love, my life. I love you and shall forever love you. I pray that you can hear my voice calling out to you from the darkness." (UNQUOTE) He asked that the prof stand before the Ramsey house in Boulder and read that one aloud.

He also expressed sympathy for Michael Jackson, saying he knows what it's like to be (QUOTE) "Trapped in a world that does not understand."

Indeed the world does not understand. Not that any of us would rush to judgement; in our system you're innocent until ...you've been in the headlines at LEAST a week. But marrying your first wife when she was 12, odes to murdered children -- even crazy people need to use some common sense.

It is 2006. We are all living in perpetual fear. I beg the slightly off-kilter people of the world, for their own protection -- now is not a good time to be sending your strange e-mails, making your weird phone calls, or carrying matches, a screwdriver, and water onto a plane bound for Washington.

Just because our astronomers are creating new planets, doesn't mean we're ready for visitors.

Now this 
Index 

HEZBOLLAH4.CBS
Moved: 8/15/2006 6:46
HEZBOLLAH4.CBS 8/15/06-7:42

Everybody wins! This is DR.

In Lebanon, the refugees are returning. Reporters are witnessing long lines of cars piled with luggage meandering over cratered roads, returning to what's left of their villages.

And listening to the news, you'd think that there were no losers in this war! President Bush thinks Israel won, Israel's leadership ALSO says it won, by eliminating Hezbollah as a state-within-a-state, Hezbollah says IT won by NOT being eliminated as a state-within-a-state, and of course the Lebanese government will win when its army finally marches in and peacefully disarms Hezbollah under the terms of the cease fire. 

Everybody wins! Kum-bay-ah! Never has a war had so many winners! 

And then you see the pictures of the Shia villagers returning to the debris that was once their home, and you're tempted to think that THEY'RE the losers in this. But no, through their tears, many of them ALSO claim victory, and say that if anything they are even MORE loyal to Hezbollah, and will continue to embrace the group that brought them the destruction!

Still MORE winners!

And you know what's bound to happen when you have a war that everybody wins -- everybody's going to want to fight it again! So they can win again!

And there are indications preparations for the next fight are already in gear. There are reports that many of those refugees returning to south Lebanon aren't just ordinary refugees. They're Hezbollah fighters who will be moving back into the undamaged tunnels and bunkers just north of the Israeli border. And they'll get there before the Lebanese army does.

And hunker down until it's time for the next war that everybody will win.

Now this. 
Index 

HEZBOLLAH.CBS
Moved: 8/14/2006 6:52
HEZBOLLAH.CBS 08/14/06-7:14-DLR

Now we have to figure out who won. This is DR...

There's a cease fire in Lebanon sort of -- and I keep hearing that Hezbollah is claiming victory! That by avoiding complete extermination, they beat Israel.

Hmmm. Hezbollah beat Israel. Based on the pictures I've seen of Southern Lebanon -- even the ones that weren't Photo-Shopped -- Israel pretty much wasted Hezbollah territory.

And in the grim scoring of warfare -- if you've thrown in your lot with an army that's supposed to defend you against an enemy, and that enemy basically cuts your territory to pieces, it's got to be hard to call that a victory for your side. 

But of course Hezbollah thrives by convincing its constituents that victory is in MARTYRDOM, as long as you can bring some of the enemy down with you.

So now there's a cease fire, which means Hezbollah gets time to re-arm, Israel gets time to re-evaluate its tactics, so that when THIS cease fire fails like all the others, both sides can convince themselves next time will be different.

UNLESS -- unless democracy truly kicks in, in Lebanon. There is already a vigorous debate in Israel over the way the war was run -- but what if Hezbollah's constituents in South Lebanon held a similar debate?

What would Hezbollah run on? Elect us, we started a war that set you back 30 years? Elect us -- we'll fire missiles from the roof of your house?

Elect us -- doctored photos of your bombed neighborhoods will help us recruit more jihadists?

At some point, you'd think that even people who detest Israel would get tired of being props for aspiring martyrs.

Now this. 
Index 

FATMEALS.CBS
Moved: 8/11/2006 7:11
FATMEALS.CBS

Another check of the "things to be scared of" file. This is DR....

Yes there was a lot to be scared of this week, but here's one story that didn't get nearly enough attention. Dateline Sydney Australia -- Eating just ONE MEAL high in saturated fat can harden arteries within three hours!

The Heart Research Institute of Sydney had 14 people eat two meals of carrot cake and a milkshake one month apart. 

One meal was made using coconut oil -- high in saturated fat -- the other was made with safflower oil -- high in polyUNsaturated fat.

What happened? The researchers found that within three hours after eating the saturated fat carrot cake and chocolate, the test subjects arteries had already started to stiffen.

Stiffer arteries in THREE HOURS. Even though it was carrot cake! Carrot cake is supposed to be a HEALTHY dessert! No matter what! It's got little slivers of carrot in it for crying out loud!

But -- the coconut oil was more than enough to trump the carrots. By contrast, the desserts made with the safflower oil actually REDUCED arterial inflammation.

That wasn't the only scary food news.

A report by the Harvard School of Public Health found a direct link between obesity and soft drink consumption, and concluded that an extra can of soda a day can plump you by 15 pounds in a year.

That's because every 12 ounce can of soda is like eating 10 teaspoons of table sugar. The beverage industry objected to the study, saying it didn't take lack of exercise into account; and they DO have a point, PLUS there's another upside to the fact that soft drinks tend to stay with you: The extra 15 pounds is about the only way you can get soda on a plane anymore.

Now this. 
Index 

BOMBPLO2.CBS
Moved: 8/11/2006 7:11
BOMBPLO2.CBS 8/11/06-7:40

Explosive sports drinks. This is DR... 

The latest details of the liquid bomb plot are a little disturbing. Apparently, this liquid explosive wasn't just being DISGUISED as a soft drink, one of the ingredients WAS the soft drink. The terrorists planned to use a British SPORTS DRINK as one of the ingredients. And they would set it off with an iPod, cell phone, or electronic key fob. Al Qaeda apparently has the seventh season of MacGyver.

So we've now gotten to the point where the common everyday items we all carry make us potential walking terrorists.

And there is going to be only one way to address that. Universal obedience, no matter how ridiculous it gets.

These colors don't run, but they will wait in line! And do so CHEERFULLY.

If the TSA wants my deodorant, they can have it. If they want my nail clippers, they can have them. If they want my knitting needles, collar stays, nose ring, compass, Q-tips, Pepto Bismol, take it all!

If they want me to strip and carry my clothes through the check point in a see through baggie while doing the Fox Trot, my only answer is Sir Yes Sir!

Although, I prefer not to call it a see-through baggie. I call it a Transparent Patriot Pouch!

And when I'm on the plane, if they run out of Bloody Mary Mix, if they give the last blanket to somebody else, if lunch turns out to be a bag of Fritos and a Kit Kat, I will smile and tell myself how delicious it is. And if we stop on the taxiway for no apparent reason and they turn off the ventilation and the person next to me starts to sweat because they took away his antiperspirant, I will use the time to meditate on patriotic themes like ... freedom.

Now this. 
Index 

BOMBPLOT.CBS
Moved: 8/10/2006 11:09
BOMBPLOT.CBS 8/10/06-7:35-DLR

The Battle of Britain. This is DR.

The news today is no liquids or gels in your carry-ons. No toothpaste, makeup, suntan lotion. If you want to bring baby formula on board, you can, but you'd better have a baby visible, and you'd better be prepared to drink some yourself.

And all because of a plot to blow up as many as ten transatlantic flights from Great Britain to the US. And it was an insidious plot. Terrorists planned to bring chemicals aboard in soda bottles, mix them on board, then detonate the stuff with an innocent-looking electronic device. And they were about to make their move.

That's scary all right. But here's the REAL story. It won't happen. Because the plot was stopped.

Security experts are saying this has Al Qaeda written all over it. I don't doubt it for a moment.

But the bigger story here is that we beat 'em. The Good Guys won. And if this was indeed al Qaeda, it means we didn't just beat ANY terrorists, but we beat the Gold Standard of Terrorism.

So in addition to the message that all of us here in the West remain in Al Qeada's cross hairs, I hope we also get the message that WE WON this time.

The British are being circumspect on exactly HOW they did it , except to say they were working closely with the South Asian community, which means ... local people helped them. 
And that's the other aspect of this -- sources are saying the plotters are British Muslims of Pakistani origin, which of course would surprise no one. I just hope we ALSO learn the ethnicity of those who helped CATCH them -- because they, as much as the police, are the heroes in today's victory over terrorism.

This is DR. 
Index 

IRAQEXIT.CBS
Moved: 8/9/2006 7:18
IRAQEXIT.CBS 08/07/06-7:34-DLR

Oh America. I think a big fat exit strategy just dropped into our laps! This is DR...

Last Friday in Baghdad, tens of thousands of Iraqis marched peacefully. Now yes, it was in support of Hezbollah. Yes they held yellow Hezbollah banners, and made a point of trampling American and Israeli flags. They also burned effigies of President Bush and Tony Blair. And they came from all around the country to do it -- some protestors, according to news dispatches, traveled for DAYS to attend the demonstration. 

As for the number of demonstrators -- take your pick.The organizers estimated half a million. Local police said several hundred thousand. The LA Times says it's Iraqi reporter estimated 100,000. The US military said 14,000. 

But the point is, it was a peaceful demonstration! For some reason, Baghdad's crazed bombers passed up the temptation to easily blow up large numbers of innocent people. Perhaps because they were otherwise occupied.

Now, when we see, on a day when the temperature hits 110 degrees, thousands of Iraqis burning the flag and chanting "Death To America" and doing it peacefully -- well, here in the US we call that freedom! On one level, it's somewhat disappointing to see them use the freedom we gave them to chant "Death To America," but that's the risk you take with freedom -- that people will USE it.

And since the current reason for staying in Iraq is EMPOWER the people, and to guarantee freedom, thousands of people waving Hezbollah banners and chanting "Death to America" in the face of the strongest military in the history of the world sounds a lot like... "Mission Accomplished," don't you think? 

Now this. 
Index 

OILPIPE.CBS
Moved: 8/9/2006 7:18
OILPIPE.CBS 08/08/06-6:40-DLR

So now it's a "corroded pipeline." This is DR....

What'll be next? What'll be the next excuse for higher oil prices? Let's see, we've had hurricanes, sabotage, the Chinese economy, and NOW, a corroded pipeline.

Hey -- I just read Paris Hilton intends to stay celibate for a year! That's got to be good for at $2 a barrel.

How could it be, you ask, that a pipeline could be 80% eaten away and nobody notice? Because the pipeline had gone 14 years without routine maintenance, since the oil was believed to be "non-corrosive."

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>z-QUIZ BUZZER.WAV
Time: 1s
Title: z-QUIZ BUZZER
Description: QUIZ BUZZER
Out-cue: ]

BP says it is now now (QUOTE) "adjusting considerably" the corrosion program. Gee, I hope they can find the money!

The New York Times says this will further SULLY BP's reputation as a company committed to controlling climate change.
Yeah, right. Like this has us stressing out about climate change. Frankly, I would think the climate change crowd would give BP an AWARD for producing less oil. 
No, most of us out here are trying to calculate the potential LIFESTYLE change from this.

We're down 400,000 barrels a day, we need 13.8 million a day for our vehicles, that means we have to use 2.8% less.

Yikes! That could force us to... DRIVE SLOWER!

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>z-HORROR 2.WAV
Time: 6s
Title: z-HORROR 2
Description: HORROR 2
Out-cue: ]

5432

Not gonna happen.

However -- according to an AP story that ran last week, if you fill your tires with Nitrogen instead of air, you can get 5% better mileage. Bigger molecules, superior heat resistance, tires stay properly inflated longer. PLUS, NASCAR does it, so it's time all of America did it.

THAT's how we fight back America -- NASCAR NITROGEN in your tires, or as I call it, 40 pounds per square inch of LIBERTY GAS!

Now this. 
Index 

LIEBERMAN.CBS
Moved: 8/9/2006 7:17
LIEBERMAN.CBS 8/9/06-7:47

Joe Lieberman wasn't the only ex-communication. This is DR... 

Senator Joe Lieberman's loss to Ned Lamont in Connecticut's democratic primary confirms the democrats split over the war. But it also reminds us what party politics is about. It's about taking a clear stand. It's not about shades of gray. And that holds true for BOTH parties.

Because REPUBLICAN partisans conducted THEIR own excommunication yesterday. Michigan's 7th district includes the exurbs between Ann Arbor and Lansing. In 2004, Republican Joe Schwarz won the seat with 58% of the vote.

Schwarz is an MD, a Navy veteran who served in Vietnam, served ten years in the state senate. But as a Republican congressman he made a couple of big mistakes. He voted with opponents of abortion only 75% of the time. And he called for Defense Secretary Rumsfeld to resign. 

And yesterday, incumbent Joe Schwarz lost the Republican nomination to Tim Walberg, described as pro-life, pro-freedom and pro-family; and a big supporter of the war in Iraq. So, despite being an incumbent and spending TWICE as much as his opponent, Joe Schwarz too, was ex-communicated -- 53 to 47%.
Last night, Joes Lieberman said that if you want results, you have to compromise:
[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>lieberman 080806 WONT HESITATE TO WORK WITH REPS.wav
Time: 14s
Title: lieberman 080806 WONT HESITATE TO WORK WITH REPS
Description: lieberman 080806 WONT HESITATE TO WORK WITH REPS
Out-cue: ]
But as the old saying goes, in a party primary, the only thing you'll find in the middle of the road... is a possum who didn't make it.
Now this. 
Index 

CIVILWAR.CBS
Moved: 8/4/2006 7:23
CIVILWAR.CBS 08/04/2006

Is Iraq headed for civil war or not. This is DR...

The big headline today is that General John Abizaid said, yes, Iraq could be headed for civil war:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>gen john abizaid 080306 VIOLENCE AS BAD AS IVE SEEN.wav
Time: 5s
Title: gen john abizaid 080306 VIOLENCE AS BAD AS IVE SEEN
Description: gen john abizaid 080306 VIOLENCE AS BAD AS IVE SEEN
Out-cue: ]

Of course, at the same hearing, he also said it SHOULDN'T be headed for civil war:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>gen abizaid 080306 MORE IRAQIS TRYING TO HOLD TOGETHER.wav
Time: 11s
Title: gen abizaid 080306 MORE IRAQIS TRYING TO HOLD TOGETHER
Description: gen abizaid 080306 MORE IRAQIS TRYING TO HOLD TOGETHER
Out-cue: ]

But the most important question is can we somehow AVOID a civil war?

Do we have a PLAN, Senator John Warner wanted to know. And THAT's when Joint chiefs chairman General Peter Pace, revealed ... our plan:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>gen peter pace 080306 LOVE EACH OTHER.wav
Time: 17s
Title: gen peter pace 080306 LOVE EACH OTHER
Description: gen peter pace 080306 LOVE EACH OTHER
Out-cue: ]
In other words, if we ever want to leave, we are going to have to do an ethnic intervention!
Instead of a surprise appearance by the President, one day, Baghdad would wake up and there would be Dr. Phil! 
Telling them to... Get Real!
Get Real, you Sunnis, be one of those that Gets It. Come on, you Radical Shiites -- be truthful about what isn't working in your life! Acknowledge your history without being controlled by it!
And You Kurds! This is a long ride, and you are the driver every single day!
Take your power back from those who have hurt you!
A little of that, and how could Democracy NOT happen?
Oh yeah -- And PLEASE DON'T SHOOT!
Now this. 
Index 

CONSPIRACY.CBS
Moved: 8/4/2006 7:23
CONSPIRACY.CBS 08/03/2006 

Inside job. This is DR.

The headline was designed to shock. "Was 9/11 AN Inside Job" it read. 
And it's about a survey which shows that more than a third of the American public -- more than a third -- suspects that federal officials ASSISTED in the 9/11 terrorist attacks, or took no action to stop them, and this was for the express purpose of getting America involved in a war in the middle east.
And how was this conspiracy carried out? Well, the poll found that 16% of Americans speculate that it wasn't the two gigantic, fully-fueled passengers jets that were responsible for bringing the buildings down. That was just a distraction.
What actually brought the buildings down was secretly planted explosives, rigged to every floor of the towers. That's why they pancaked so neatly.
12% also believe that the Pentagon was struck by a cruise missile. That doesn't explain why the people on that plane are still missing, but there you go.
And these results were presented to us as if they were significant.
So I checked a few other polls. And if you check other polls of the American people, you also find that 34 percent of Americans believe in UFOs, 29% believe in Astrology, and of the 34% who believe in ghosts, 12% say they have personally seen one.
In fact, a poll in 2000 found that 41% of Americans believe that Bill and Hillary Clinton like each other!
So was 9/11 an inside job? Do these polls mean anything? Before you answer, consider this. Perhaps all these POLLS are an inside job... designed to convince us it's an inside job....

Now this. 
Index 

NAVEED HAQ.CBS
Moved: 8/3/2006 7:19
NAVEED HAQ.CBS 8/03/2006-7:54-DLR

Anatomy of a hate crime. This is DR...

Last Friday, Naveed Afzal Haq, identifying himself as a Muslim American angry at Israel, broke into the offices of the Jewish Federation of Seattle and shot six women, killing one.

The prosecutor has charged Haq with aggravated murder. Possible penalty, death. 

And you wonder, what do you do about this? Well, you redouble the war on terrorism? Or do you?

During the incident, one of the victims was able to call 911, and actually handed the phone to the gunman, who told the operator, "I'm not upset at the people, I'm upset at your foreign policy." He then told her to connect him with CNN. And then, when told that was impossible, said, OK, he'd give himself up. He put his hands on his head, walked out of the office, and lay face down on the sidewalk.

So one moment he's killing people he says he has no beef with, the next moment, he's following instructions over the phone to surrender.

And afterwards he tells the cops, (QUOTE) "This is about the Jews and what they are doing. The Jews are running the country."

What does that remind you of? I'll tell you what it reminds me of -- it reminds me of what Mel Gibson would say to his Tequila bottle.

For some reason, planted deep in the minds of some people is a rabid antipathy towards Jews. All it takes is a little liquor, or in Mr. Haq's case what appears to be a bipolar disorder, to bring it out.

I'm pretty sure Haq will never walk free again.

But what about the next guy? Well, we're either going to have to identify and treat people like this before they go off, make it tougher for people with mental illness to get weapons, or find a way to roll back 2000 years of anti-semitism. I wish us luck.

This is DR... 
Index 

BORDERID.CBS
Moved: 8/2/2006 10:16
BORDERID.CBS 8/03/2006-6:17-DLR

Terrorists, right this way! This is DR..

Here it is again -- Dateline WASHINGTON - Undercover investigators entered the United States using fake documents repeatedly this year - including some cases in which Homeland Security Department agents didn't even ASK for identification. 

Once again, the Government Accountability Office sent undercover agents to the Mexico and Canadian borders, to see if they could get in with phony documents. Similar to the tests it did two years ago -- except back then, border guards actually NOTICED that the IDs were phony and stopped three agents.

THIS time around, NO ONE was stopped. In other words, border security actually appears to be getting worse. Either that, or phony ID is getting better. Actually in two cases - in Arizona and California - border agents didn't even ASK for ANY ID. 

Or does it mean something else. I know what the argument is going to be - that every American is going to need tamper proof ID linked to a central government database. 

But what did the study ACTUALLY show. Did it show the border guards let terrorists in? No! They let their fellow federal agents in. 
A lot of border work is instinct. This could simply mean that investigators from the GAO, even if they're undercover, just don't give off that terrorist vibe.
It's like we all know who the federal marshals are on the planes - there's just something about them.
Some people just exude innocence no matter how expired their ID is.
In the meantime, I have one request. The next time you do a test like this, and everybody gets through, go ahead and fire the incompetent guards, but could we NOT PUBLICIZE IT?
It's like saying -- "Terrorists Right This Way."
"Sneak Into America, expired Library Cards Accepted." 
Index 

CASTRO.CBS
Moved: 8/1/2006 7:01
CASTRO.CBS 08/01/06

It's finally happened. This is DR...

After the Bay of Pigs invasion, the Cuban missile crisis, CIA assassination plots, and a 46-year trade embargo, we have finally succeeded in giving Fidel Castro ULCERS.

Ulcers bad enough that he'll temporarily surrender power to his brother Raoul during surgery.

But, of course, with the maximum leader approaching his 80th birthday, there is always the chance that nature's term limits will finally kick in. And the people of Miami are pretty broken up about it.

[Cart No: <8 Raw Carts>Reporter Joel Waldman.mp3
Time: 8s
Title: Reporter Joel Waldman
Out-cue: ]

Among the mourners, was Maribel Alonso:

[Cart No: <8 Raw Carts>Maribel Alonso3.mp3
Time: 8s
Title: Maribel Alonso3
Out-cue: ]

Whoa! Whoa! Maribel! He isn't ACTUALLY dead yet:

[Cart No: <8 Raw Carts>Maribel Alonso.mp3
Time: 3s
Title: Maribel Alonso
Out-cue: ]

Apparently, there is some anticipation in Miami of an unsuccessful surgical outcome.

It shows that if we just stay the course, we CAN defeat tyranny eventually. Maybe if we keep the pressure on North Korea, Kim Jong Il will finally succumb to ... jock itch, or something.

The only speck in the soup here is that recent history is littered with evidence that death is highly overrated as an instrument of political change. Zarqawi, Arafat, Ayatollah Khomeini they all died too, and were replaced by people just as odious. And sure enough, we're already hearing that Castro's brother Raoul is just as ruthless as Fidel, except without the charisma.

[Cart No: <8 Raw Carts>billie burke WICKED WITH OF WEST.wav
Time: 4s
Title: billie burke WICKED WITH OF WEST
Out-cue: ]

What a world, what a world!

Now this. 
Index 

TESTOSTERONE2.CBS
Moved: 7/31/2006 7:40
TESTOSTERONE2.CBS

Testosterone! This is DR... sponsored by the Michigan Economic Development Corporation. Wherever in the world you compete, Michigan can give you the upper hand.

Floyd Landis testing positive for testosterone? Of course he's gonna test positive! Not only is he a man, he's an AMERICAN man! Hit it men:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Testosterone2 STEREO FINAL.mp3
Time: 78s
Title: Testosterone2 STEREO FINAL
Out-cue: ]

TESTOST2.SNG 07/27/06 11:46 PM-DLR 0:59
Guys pickin’ fights in a honky-tonk bar
Flashin' loaded guns from a souped-up car
Bully hits your kid, but you never see him cry,
I think we all know why – 
It's TESTOSTERONE
- a simple little hormone
- very good for muscle tone
- everybody hates all the trouble is creates
(BAM BAM)
- but it’s handy on a date!
Man with a chain saw revvin' up his toy
Father watchin' football, rootin' for his boy
Puts hair on your chest, and a tiger in your pants
But it has no place in France
It's TESTOSTERONE -
- Simple little hormone
- Gets ya to the end zone.
- Once upon a time your body made it from scratch
(POW, POW, POW)
- But now we use a patch
The French have wine, the Germans have beer
Italians have spaghetti and a lot of gondoliers
But they ain’t the ones who are callin’ all the shots
And I bet you know why not...
Because while they were all busy watching soccer, WE were taking over the worlds supply of ...
TESTOSTERONE
- We’re a steroid nation
- It’s in our legislation
- We put it in our sons, and its even in our daughters...
(BAM BAM BAM)
In fact I think we even put it in the water! 
Index 

GAY MARRIAGE CBS
Moved: 7/31/2006 7:40
GAYMARRIAGE.CBS 07/2706-3:53-DLR

Marriage is protected yet again! This is DR.

Washington State's Supreme Court is the latest to uphold a ban on gay marriage. The judges were careful to make no judgement as to whether the state's Defense of Marriage Act is actually defending marriages -- they just say the legislature had the right to adopt it.

So I decided to put out an APB for any listener who could tell me how the act had helped to defend THEIR particular marriage, but no one could really TELL me. Their main concern was for the WORD marriage. People don't want the word marriage redefined to include gay people.

I proposed the word "Banana" and in, "Hi, I'm Adam, this is Steve, and we're Bananas." And listeners seemed ready to accept that.

I also tried to get listeners to agree that if you REALLY wanted to defend marriage, you'd outlaw DIVORCE, which is at 36% even among evangelicals, but even defenders of marriage didn't want to defend it THAT way -- they still think the best way to defend it is by making sure gay people can't do it.

So, gay rights groups will have to go through the legislature, and find a way to win over conservative voters. Well, how about this:

Last week, the President, as he vetoed the stem cell bill, surrounded himself with children who were grown from frozen embryos. But his chief of staff said there are right now 400,000 unadopted frozen embryos

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>john bolten PRES ADOPT EMBRYOS.wav
Time: 11s
Title: john bolten PRES ADOPT EMBRYOS
Description: john bolten PRES ADOPT EMBRYOS
Out-cue: ]

Gay couples need to immediately begin adopting frozen embryos.

Now this. 
Index 

GIBSON.CBS
Moved: 7/31/2006 7:40
GIBSON.CBS 07/31/06-7:44-DLR
Some things cannot be sanitized. This is DR...
The Los Angeles County Sheriff's office has been accused of issuing a sanitized version of Mel Gibson's drunk driving arrest Friday night.
But if that's true, it didn't work too well. The unsanitized report is all over the web. 
It states that Gibson was cooperative until Deputy James Mee advised him he was being arrested for drunk driving. He then revealed his familiarity with the F-word, bolted for his car, and had to be cuffed.

According to the report, Gibson informed the officer that he (QUOTE) "owns Malibu," that he would get even, and, then for some reason, he began to suspect a religious conspiracy, yelling that the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world, and finally asking the officer "Are you a Jew?"

Deputy Mee M-E-E didn't answer, but did report that when he checked the impounded Lexus he found a bottle of Tequila that was about 3/4 full and concealed in a brown paper bag. Which would explain a few things, although when he asked Gibson about the bottle, Gibson quickly replied "It's not mine." It will be up to LA's best detectives to figure out how someone else's bottle of Tequila wound up in Mel GIbson's Lexus. 

Gibson has since offered an abject apology, calling his words despicable, and saying he's battled alcoholism all his life. And show biz observers say he could redeem himself if enough people like his next movie. So I checked -- it's called "Apocalypto," it's about the decline of the Mayan empire, and will be shot in an obscure Mayan dialect.

THAT might explain the Tequila.

Now this. 
Index 

EXXON.CBS
Moved: 7/27/2006 7:40
Fill in the Blanks -- that's where I read a news story that we've all heard so many times, that all I have to do is pause at certain points, and ordinary people just like you can fill in the ...BLANKS.

Excellent.

Today's topic is record oil company ... PROFITS.

Today we saw another record-breaking profit report from a company called ...EXXON MOBIL.

This is a company that makes so much money, that their executives can actually ... BUY AN ENTIRE TANK OF GAS.

Yes! In fact, Exxon-Mobil made 10.36 billion dollars in the second quarter, and that just has Americans ... OUTRAGED.

They're outraged, because gas costs more than ... THREE DOLLARS A GALLON.

Which is almost as threatening to the American lifestyle as ...GAY MARRIAGE.

And expensive gas, combined with record oil company profits, strikes the average American as ...OBSCENE.

Because we had no idea that all the money we pay for gas ends up in the pockets of ...THE COMPANIES THAT MAKE THE GAS.

No! We thought it went directly to ...WIDOWS AND ORPHANS. Who could then use it to ...BUY GAS.

Because in America, cheap gas is what makes us ...BETTER THAN EUROPE.

All that stuff about biodiesel, and making fuel from landfill waste and turkey carcasses is for ...WEENIES. That's the kind of thing you'd expect from ... CANADIANS.

And from people who drive around in so-called....SMART CARS. Which is just a nice way of describing car ...BUILT FOR SISSIES.

The bottom line is that we want our cars ...BIG, our roads ...WIDE, our gas ...CHEAP and our marriages ...HETEROSEXUAL.

Although, if we had to choose, we might be ...WILLING TO DROP THAT LAST POINT.

Yes.

------ 
Index 

IRAQTROOPS.CBS
Moved: 7/26/2006 7:53
IRAQTROOPS.CBS 07/26/2006-5:57-DLR

As THEY stand down, we have to stand back up. This is DR...sponsored by the Michigan Economic Development Corporation. Wherever in the world you compete, Michigan can give you the upper hand.

The President made his Iraqi exit strategy clear last year:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush 082405 AS THEY STAND UP.wav
Time: 5s
Title: bush 082405 AS THEY STAND UP
Description: bush 082405 AS THEY STAND UP
Out-cue: ]

But except for one province, Al-Muthanna, in the south, the Iraqi army has NOT stood up. 

And so the president will deploy more US troops into Baghdad to sort out civilians from insurgents -- something the Iraqi army has been unable or unwilling to do.

Democracy was supposed to help by giving the various factions in Iraq a peaceful outlet for their various demands:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush 111103 DEM WILL SUCCEED SHORT.wav
Time: 14s
Title: bush 111103 DEM WILL SUCCEED SHORT
Description: Democracy will bring opportunity
Out-cue: ]

That was over two and a half years ago. 

But today, despite all the progress toward democracy, RELIGION still exerts a stronger pull on Iraqis, and frankly, most of the players in the Middle East.

And it goes all the way to the top. On his visit to Washington, Iraqi Prime Minister Al-Maliki annoyed some members of congress when wouldn't condemn his fellow Shiites in Hezbollah.

It sounds so good in a sound bite -- that Democracy can lead to peace. But now we find it can also lead to power for Muslim radicals. And saying that "as Iraqis stand up, we will stand down" also sounds like a pretty good exit strategy. Except when the exit strategy ... becomes a re-entry strategy.

Now this. 
Index 

HEZBOLLAH.CBS
Moved: 7/25/2006 10:03
HEZBOLLAH.CBS 07/25/06-7:51-DLR

Cease fire? Who are we kidding? This is DR...

Like a diplomatic apparition, Condoleezza Rice continues to pop up unpredictably around the middle east, in line with the post-Iraq custom of US officials -- but who REALLY thinks she's there to bring a CEASE FIRE?

Why on earth would the United States want to pressure Israel into a cease fire? 

Why would the Bush Administration, desperate as it is to show some progress against terrorists in the Middle East, stop the one country that could actually pull it off?

Israel doesn't have to send its soldiers halfway around the world to get Hezbollah -- they can attack and be home for dinner.

But don't we have a responsibility to protect the innocent people caught in the cross fire? Well, EVERYONE involved has that responsibility, including Hezbollah, which could just remove its fighters from residential neighborhoods and fight like soldiers, and Israel would stop hitting residential neighborhoods! But the terrorists who look so brave in those videos turn to weenies when it comes to fighting in the open, because they know they'll lose. Plus, the whole purpose of terrorism is to MAXIMIZE civilian casualties.

A cease fire? Israel's had close to sixty years of cease fires. And as for supporting Lebanon's Democracy -- why would they support a Democracy that elected significant numbers of Hezbollah members who then used their political power to re-arm a military wing, which isn't even controlled by the government they're supposedly participating in?

I think we already know what Israel's cease fire plan is, and nothing the US says is going to change it. Israel's cease fire plan is that the fighting will cease when Hezbollah has nothing left to fire.

Now this. 
Index 

HEATWAVE.CBS
Moved: 7/24/2006 7:41
HEATWAVE.CBS 07/24/06-7:41-DLR

Another clothing optional day. This is DR...sponsored by the Michigan Economic Development Corporation. 
Wherever in the world you compete, Michigan can give you the upper hand.

Across America the heat won't stop, and and there's no escape. The weather is even setting records up in British Columbia; in Lillooet, BC it hit 105 over the weekend.

Of course, that's why places like LA have air conditioning, except of course, the mayor doesn't want you to use it:

[Cart No: <8 Raw Carts>N185.mp3
Time: 7s
Title: N185
Out-cue: ]

Incredible! Apparently, when air conditioning was invented, it didn't occur to anyone that on a hot day, we all might turn it on!

How bad is it? Here's a real conversation, recorded Sunday morning, when my daughter was on the phone with her sister, who's in the Peace Corps in Niger, at the edge of the Sahara desert:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>emilie 072306 TEMPERATURE.wav
Time: 15s
Title: emilie 072306 TEMPERATURE
Out-cue: ]

We're hotter than SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA!

Of course, THERE the men cope by going largely naked -- which is fine when you spend the day in a field harvesting millet; less successful when you spend the day in a chair harvesting burritos.

The BRIGHT side is that while the ADULTS complain, the kids seem to cope just fine. They go swimming, or skitter through sprinklers, or just ignore it. Bless their hearts, they seem to adapt to anything. And based on the climate charts -- I have to say kids, it's good practice for you.

Now this. 
Index 

BLACKOUT.CBS
Moved: 7/21/2006 7:31
BLACKOUT.CBS 07/21/06-7:04-DLR
Terrorist in a bottle. This is DR...
I quote from the police report: The suspect admitted "drinking in excess Sunday Night and early Monday morning and blacking out. He awoke later covered in blood in the victims house among the deceased."
The suspect is Connor Schierman, a recovering drinker, who two weeks ago moved into a house across the street from the Kirkland, Washington home of Olga and Leonid Milkin and their two sons.
Monday morning, while Leonid was away, serving in Iraq, his wife, her sister, and the two boys were found stabbed to death, and their house torched.
Leonid was called home to pick up the pieces of his life.
Why did this happen? Based on the police report, it appears that Connor Schierman, the suspect, may use what's come to be known as the "Blackout Defense."
Dr. Donal Sweeney wrote a book called "The Alcohol Blackout" citing cases where murder suspects drink alcohol, black out, and wake up with no memory of what they did.
Or I should say, what their unconscious bodies did. Because he argues that in a blackout state, even though you may be killing someone, you don't just FORGET what happened -- you never form the memory TO BEGIN WITH. 
Dr. Sweeney even argues that without memory formation a person is incapable of intent. And without intent, he is incapable of murder -- even if he's caught at he scene, knife in hand, standing over the victims. So far, courts haven't bought it.
But as for the blackouts themselves, Dr. Sweeney says it doesn't take much. They can even happen to first-time drinkers, he says.
And if he's right -- imagine what it means.
Here we are worried about al Qaeda, and yet on every street corner -- we sell the means to turn ordinary people... into unconscious terrorists.
Now this. 
Index 

LEBANON3.CBS
Moved: 7/21/2006 7:31
LEBANON3.CBS 07/21/06

Another democracy to build. This is DR

Representative Darrell Issa (EYE-sah), Republican of California, is a Lebanese American, and this week he was explaining to members of the Arab American Institute why a cease fire in Lebanon won't be enough:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>darrell issa HAVE TO BE DEALT WITH.wav
Time: 13s
Title: darrell issa HAVE TO BE DEALT WITH
Description: darrell issa HAVE TO BE DEALT WITH
Out-cue: ]

One problem is that when Syria left Lebanon last year, the United States did nothing to fill the power vacuum:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>darrell issa TRUSTED BY PEOPLE.wav
Time: 7s
Title: darrell issa TRUSTED BY PEOPLE
Description: darrell issa TRUSTED BY PEOPLE
Out-cue: ]

Because the Lebanese government and the Lebanese Army have been so ineffective, the refugees in south Lebanon kept turning to Hezbollah for social services. And Hezbollah was pretty effective at delivering them. But of course THEIR ultimate goal wasn't to build up Lebanon -- it was to tear down Israel.

Today, the Lebanese army is 30% Shiite -- and those soldiers aren't likely to take on their fellow Shiites in Hezbollah. 

In other words, says Representative Issa, to call for a cease fire, and HOPE that Lebanon will simply snap back to the way it was, is naive:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>darrell issa IT CAN WORK AGAIN.wav
Time: 16s
Title: darrell issa IT CAN WORK AGAIN
Description: darrell issa IT CAN WORK AGAIN
Out-cue: ]

It sounds like we have yet another Democracy to build.

Now this. 
Index 

STEMCELL.CBS 07/19/06 12:
Moved: 7/20/2006 6:56
STEMCELL.CBS 07/19/06-12:14-DLR

Protecting cells. This is DR.

Some critics are incredulous that the President would choose embryonic stem cell research for his first veto. But maybe there's a way to understand why the President would want to do something for these cells. You have to agree that stem cells get a pretty raw deal, even WITH the veto. We create them, then we freeze them, then we forget about them.

Then one day their parents get tired of paying for storage, and then they thaw, and then... that's it. And there's no law to stop that.

Well, I suppose we can't do TOO much, because then we'd be flooded with stem cells from other countries seeking refuge.

But if we're going to be consistent about protecting potential life we would have to go the next step. I think of those Virginity Pledges that teenagers sometimes take. We all know these are young people who WANT to have sex, but then they take a pledge and purposely do not. Well, every time people who want to have sex purposely do not, that ALSO means that a potential human being never gets a chance.

And even with OLDER couples -- how many times has fatigue, or a headache, or just having a bad day suppressed potential life?

Figures on birth rates show the problem is particularly pronounced among white people. Immigrants are creating lot of human life. But white couples are barely replacing themselves. Which is why the next step, if we really care about potential life, is legislation setting a required minimum level of heterosexual sex. The nation is ready, the time is right, and I think THAT would finally be a piece of legislation EVERYBODY can support.

Now this. 
Index 

SONICS
Moved: 7/19/2006 7:36
SONICS 07/19

So Howard Schultz assured us selling the Sonics wasn't about moving the team:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>howard schultz NOT ABOUT LEAVING.wav
Time: 5s
Title: howard schultz NOT ABOUT LEAVING
Description: howard schultz NOT ABOUT LEAVING
Out-cue: ]

And then came Clay Bennett, the new owner, who said that basically it WAS about moving the team:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>clay bennet LEVERAGE.wav
Time: 8s
Title: clay bennet LEVERAGE
Description: the option to move might be what keeps it here
Out-cue: ]

In other words, the best way to keep the team here, is to be in a position to credibly threaten to MOVE it, because that will bring the politicians around.

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>howard schults MEET HALFWAY.wav
Time: 5s
Title: howard schults MEET HALFWAY
Description: HOWARD SCHULTZ
Out-cue: GET IT DONE]

Which means a taxpayer subsidy.

Well, "this group" is from Oklahoma city.

Let's examine the taxpayer psychology in Oklahoma city.

Since the horrific bombing there in 1995, Oklahoma City taxpayers have approved every proposed tax increase put before them.

They built a Triple-A ball park. They spent $700 million to refurbish EVERY public school, they bought a downtown hotel to save it from demolition, they built a 23 million dollar canal for boat rides, and they built the Ford Center, an arena with 20,000 seats, for 87 million dollars.

In all, over the past ten years, Oklahoma city voters have approved 1.5 billion dollars in public improvement projects.

And so Clay Bennett now comes here, to a city which is CLOSING public schools, and a state where we are busy trying to repeal -- for a second time -- basic road and transit projects which are twenty years overdue, and he apparently believes there's a way to keep the Sonics here.

I wonder if he'd believe me if I told him it's always this sunny too... 
Index 

MUSTAPHA.CBS
Moved: 7/19/2006 7:26
MUSTAPHA.CBS 07/19/06-8:00-DLR

Are the Lebanese finally fed up? This is DR....

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>mustapha IM STUCK HERE.wav
Time: 4s
Title: mustapha IM STUCK HERE
Description: mustapha IM STUCK HERE
Out-cue: ]

His name is Mustapha, he writes a blog called Beirut Spring, and we got through to him on his cell phone in North Lebanon, away from Israel's missiles.

He says most Lebanese are against Hezbollah, the Shiite group that started this latest fight with Israel, but there's a problem:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>mustapha WE DONT HAVE ANY LEVERAGE.wav
Time: 2s
Title: mustapha WE DONT HAVE ANY LEVERAGE
Description: mustapha WE DONT HAVE ANY LEVERAGE
Out-cue: ]

And yet Hezbollah has leverage over THEM, because Hezbollah has won enough seats in Lebanon's fledgling democracy to keep their weapons.

They've used that power to control south Lebanon, where they're revered by largely impoverished and uneducated voters.

But the Israeli bombing, says Mustapha, has stirred things up:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>mustapha EVERYONE UPSET WITH THEM.wav
Time: 16s
Title: mustapha EVERYONE UPSET WITH THEM
Description: mustapha EVERYONE UPSET WITH THEM
Out-cue: ]

And, he says, the fact that Hezbollah continues to use violence, even after being welcomed into the political process, has opened the eyes of the normally complacent Lebanese masses:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>mustapha HAVE NEVER LED BY MAJORITY.wav
Time: 6s
Title: mustapha HAVE NEVER LED BY MAJORITY
Out-cue: ]

But now he says, that silent majority has found its spine:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>mustapha FINALLY REASON TO OPPOSE HEZ.wav
Time: 8s
Title: mustapha FINALLY REASON TO OPPOSE HEZ
Description: mustapha FINALLY REASON TO OPPOSE HEZ
Out-cue: ]

He certainly sounds sincere. But I have a feeling that getting Hezbollah to back down... is going to take a little more than a tongue lashing.

Now this.
Index 

MISSILETEST.CBS
Moved: 7/14/2006 7:37
MISSILETEST.CBS 07/15/06-7:29-DLR

Bull's eye. This is DR.

A lot of people - including a fair number of physicists who should know what they're been talking about -- have been critical of the military's anti-rogue missile program -- which they say will NEVER work despite a price tag of around 100 billion dollars.

But at least part of the program is showing progress. This week, the United States conducted a successful anti-missile missile test of a short range system in the skies above New Mexico. It was a pretty big deal too -- the Army cleared 3,200 miles of airspace, including orbiting satellites, and evacuated about 90 families who might have been in the path of falling debris.

And then they launched the target missile. It rose about 200 miles above the earth -- mimicking the infamous Scud, carrying a cannister of inert material designed to simulate a biological or chemical agent.

Then the anti-missile was launched -- a missile called THAAD for Terminal High Altitude Area Defense. As the rogue missile began arcing toward land, the THAAD streaked upward -- as 75 spectators counted the seconds. And then -- KABOOM. Bull's Eye! The imitation Scud vanished in a huge floating mushroom cloud.

The defense department, after nine years, and four billion dollars, now says that within a year, it will be ready to deploy the system and use it to protect the East and West coasts from missile attack.

It's refreshing to get a little good news, isn't it?. It means that if Kim Jong Il or some terrorist tried to use a Scud missile to take out San Francisco, or New York, we'll be ready. If we know it's coming.

Now if we can just develop a missile that can target rogue backpacks... 

Now this. 
Index 

IPSOSPOLL.CBS
Moved: 7/14/2006 7:37
IPSOSPOLL.CBS 07/14/06-7:28-DLR

Americans don't like 'em; but they plan to vote for 'em anyway. This is DR.

A new AP poll is out, and it shows that if the Congressional election were held today, a majority of voters would vote for the Democratic candidate in their district.

In fact, almost a QUARTER of the conservatives polled said they would back a Democrat in their district.

But not so fast.

I turns out, if you read through the poll, that the voters who say they plan to vote for Democrats aren't voting for them because they like them.

For example, when asked what they think about the Democrats handling of foreign policy, 62% disapprove. Asked about Iraq, 67% disapprove of how the democrats are handling Iraq. Even on the Democrats signature issue, the economy -- the economy, 57% think they stink.

Of course, Republicans get similarly pathetic numbers on those issues, although, they actually score BETTER than Democrats on foreign policy and Iraq.

Bottom line -- voters don't care much for the members of either party, but they are prepared to switch Congress to the Democrats anyway.

What could THAT mean? Well, there is one major difference between Democrats and Republicans. Democrats have promised to investigate the Bush Administration, while Republicans have made it clear that investigating the Bush Administration pretty low on their agenda... down there somewhere between balancing the budget, and banning Apple Pie.

Voters have apparently noticed that many of the promises that were made to them haven't panned out.

And they've pretty much given up on seeing those promises kept. 

Now they just want to find out WHY.

Now this. 
Index 

DATABASE.CBS
Moved: 7/13/2006 7:02
DATABASE.CBS

A glimpse into the database that keeps us safe. This is DR....

Each year, the Department of Homeland Security divides up hundreds of millions of dollars in anti terrorism grants, and to that end, it collects data on potential targets.

Because that's exactly what the 9/11 commission demanded -- the commission said that the failure to anticipate the attacks was a failure of imagination. So Homeland Security asked the states list ALL their potential terrorist targets.

And according to the New York Times, that list now includes 77,069 potential targets. 77 THOUSAND! From the moment a terrorist crawls out of his shipping container, he is immediately overwhelmed by a dazzling array of things to blow up.

And the largest number of targets is not in New York or LA, or even Washington DC, but in INDIANA.

Indiana has 8,591 potential targets, including a place called Amish Country Popcorn, which employs five people, and grows popcorn. Near Amish people. Although owner Brian Lehman says his MAIN goal in life is telling people how to be saved by the Lord.

Which I suppose could attract terrorists, depending on which Lord he's referring to.

The full list was not disclosed -- the Times doesn't want to be accused of aiding al Qaeda again -- but it shows Washington State with TWICE as many historic assets as Washington DC, and also lists the Apple and Pork Festival, the Mule Day Parade, and Nix's Check Cashing.

I'm guessing the states figured out that the more potential targets they listed, he more money they'd get.

But I think it's safe to say that if we DO get blind-sided again -- God Forbid -- it won't be due to failure of imagination.

Now this. 
Index 

FCCDIRTY.CBS
Moved: 7/13/2006 7:02
FCCDIRTY.CBS 07/13/06
Clean it up, America! This is DR.
The FCC is determined to control the growing scourge of on-air profanity. And that means going after sports telecasts.
The problem goes beyond head-butting French soccer stars. These days microphones are everywhere. On the field, in the helmets -- and the FCC noticed that sometimes those mikes pick up things no American child should hear.
So it's asking for tapes of live sporting events, even NASCAR races! It's hard to believe that a sport spawned by the Red States would prompt salty language, but it happens.
In fact, at the Bush Inauguration last year, at a youth concert hosted by Bush twins Jenna and Barbara, the lead singer of Fuel opened a set by saying, "Welcome to the Greatest BLEEPing country in the world."
Fortunately, it wasn't being televised. Although, even if it HAD been -- a profanity uttered for purposes of patriotism! COME ON!
Ah, but the FCC is clear: ANY profanity, even accidental profanity uttered in LOVE, is banned.
When Motley Crue's Vince Neil wished his band "Happy BLEEPING New Year" live on NBC -- bad. A Survivor loser uttering the "S" word on the CBS Early Show -- bad. And NYPD Blue using the TWO syllable bovine form of the "S" word, REALLY bad.
And now -- crowd noise at sports events. One TV executive was quoted as saying "If some bozo in the crowd calls the ref a ... [term referring to a body part that all of us have] -- the FCC wants the tape."
We we all know which way the wind is blowing, my friend, so for ...crying out loud... if you want live sporting events on TV, clean it up, people! We don't want to let a few flaming (BUZZ) spoil it for everybody.
[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>z-QUIZ BUZZER.WAV
Time: 1s
Title: z-QUIZ BUZZER
Description: QUIZ BUZZER
Out-cue: ]
[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>z-QUIZ BUZZER.WAV
Time: 1s
Title: z-QUIZ BUZZER
Description: QUIZ BUZZER
Out-cue: ]
That was close.
Now this. 
Index 

BUSHSTEM.CBS
Moved: 7/11/2006 7:02
BUSHSTEM.CBS 07/11/06-6:42
Veto number ONE. This is DR....
President Bush's top adviser Karl Rove says the President is adamant-- he will veto any legislation passed by the Senate to expand federal funding of embryonic stem cell research. That involves harvesting cells from embryos left over after fertility operations.
Colorado Democrat Diane DeGette, who co-sponsored the legislation when it passed the House, doesn't get it:
[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Diane Dagget.wav
Time: 8s
Title: Diane Dagget
Description: Stem Cell Veto
Out-cue: ]
No need to by mystified, Diane. Embryonic stem cells may or may not be crucial to preventing disease -- the jury is still out on that -- but there is no question they can prevent losing support from some very important groups in November.
It's tempting to think harvesting stem cells is simply a matter of medical research. But for powerful groups -- such as HumanLife and Focus on the Family -- it's a crime.
And the debate is only getting hotter:
Two weeks ago, a senior Vatican official recommended excommunication -- for embryonic stem cell researchers, the doctors who harvest the embryos, and the women who provide them. 
They'd all have to become liberal Protestants.
If the President vetoes this and makes it stick -- he not only upholds his principles, but he becomes a hero among the activists who ring the doorbells, hand out the brochures, and run the phone banks for conservative candidates -- people he'll need to stay the course in Iraq.
See those cells are more versatile than scientists realize... they don't merely promise to generate miracle cures. In the right hands, they can also generate political loyalty.

Now this. 
Index 

DEFICIT.CBS
Moved: 7/10/2006 8:00
DEFICIT.CBS 07/10/06-7:42-DLR

The money the newspapers never tell you about. This is DR...
Sponsored by the Michigan Economic Development Corporation. 
Wherever in the world you compete, Michigan can give you the upper hand."

There was a headline over the weekend -- which said (QUOTE) "Surprising Jump In Tax Revenues Is Curbing Deficit."

The article points out that tax revenues are climbing twice as fast as the Administration predicted -- so fast the deficit is actually headed lower.

In fact it says the deficit could shrink to $300 billion this year, down from $318 billion in 2005. Now I know nobody cares about the deficit anymore, but I care, because this whole story is a lie! 

The deficit could shrink to $300 billion this year? Nonsense! The Treasury's own figures show the deficit for the current fiscal year has ALREADY hit $488 billion dollars.

As for that $318 billion dollar deficit last year? If you look it up and do the math, the ACTUAL increase in the national debt in fiscal year 2005 was $553 billion.

Why would the newspapers report ONE thing when the Treasury itself is reporting something else? Because for some reason the newspapers NEVER include the amount of money being borrowed from the SOCIAL SECURITY trust fund!

And yet that's REAL money -- indeed, I believe many of you are expecting to collect that money for your retirement, right? You'd think that the newspapers would consider the debt the Treasury owes to our own people is every bit as sacred as the money with owe to China, right? And yet, the deficit figures in the newspaper never count the money we borrow from Social Security.

Do they know something we don't?

Now this. 
Index 

UNKOREA.CBS
Moved: 7/6/2006 7:29
UN-KOREA.CBS 07/06/06-7:54-DLR

Take that, you rogue nation, you. This is DR...

How do to scold a rogue like North Korea? How do you catch a clown and pin him down?

You send your ambassador to the UN:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>french UN amb 070506 ACT FIRMLY.wav
Time: 4s
Title: french UN amb 070506 ACT FIRMLY
Description: french UN amb 070506 ACT FIRMLY
Out-cue: ]

That's the French Ambassador, making it clear that the response to North Korea will be swift and firm. Let's see what the British think:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>brit amb 070506 ROBUST.wav
Time: 6s
Title: brit amb 070506 ROBUST
Description: brit amb 070506 ROBUST
Out-cue: ]

Ah -- the British go beyond swiftness and firmness to quickness and robustness.

What about the Japanese ... what do you they think the response should be?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>japanese amb 070506 CONDEMNATION.wav
Time: 6s
Title: japanese amb 070506 CONDEMNATION
Description: japanese amb 070506 CONDEMNATION
Out-cue: ]

So we have firmness, robustness, and condemnation.

Anyone else?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>russian amb 070506 CARE TO TALK TO ME.wav
Time: 2s
Title: russian amb 070506 CARE TO TALK TO ME
Out-cue: ]

Oh yes -- the Russian ambassador. What is Russia prepared to do?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>russian amb 070506 SEND SIGNALS.wav
Time: 6s
Title: russian amb 070506 SEND SIGNALS
Out-cue: ]...strong and clear signal."

A strong and clear signal. But would it be a robust and firm signal, and would it include condemnation, Would you actually DO anything? Such as trade sanctions:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>russian amb 070506 NO SANCTIONS.wav
Time: 5s
Title: russian amb 070506 NO SANCTIONS
Out-cue: ]

So I think it's pretty clear what the security council intends to do. The Security Council is fully prepared to unanimously DISLIKE North Korea.

And what does our American UN Ambassador find significant here?

[Cart No: <8 Raw Carts>john bolton 070506 N KOREA ISOLATED.wav
Time: 4s
Title: john bolton 070506 N KOREA ISOLATED
Out-cue: ]

See, we're just happy that for once, the Security Council is unanimous... in not hating us.

Now this. 
Index 

TAEPODONG.CBS
Moved: 7/5/2006 7:44
TAEPODONG.CBS 07/05/2006-6:28-DLR

North Korea goes trigger happy. This is DR...

Well were were expecting a Taepodong launch -- but the North Koreans decided they would show us something we couldn't ignore. A big Fourth of July multiple-missile finale, including a couple of Scud-C's, several Rodongs, and the main event -- a Taepodong-2 which blew up all by itself after 35 seconds.

Bringing a little patriotic spirit the Sea of Japan! Either that, or the officer on holiday duty kept pressing the wrong button. What does this do? What does this do?

Actually of course, North Korea was WARNING us -- making it clear that it is ready to respond to any American provocation.... by firing off missiles that don't work.

North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il says these are missiles for peace, to deter us from attacking THEM. Hey - I realize you guys want to isolate yourselves and all that, but pick up a newspaper once in a while! First of all, "missiles for peace" is our line, and second, we kind of have our hands full in the attack department already!

Which is why the Bush Administration is saying that this will be handled DIPLOMATICALLY through the United Nations, where we actually have a lot of support this time. And that must drive Kim Jong-Il NUTS. If he can't even get George Bush to attack him, what kind of lame tyrant must HE be? "How many of my crummy missiles does it take?" he must be wondering.

I don't know. But we have to be thankful that at least ONE of our opponents in this crazy world is an idiot who managed to threaten us with a missile that shot itself down, has got people burning NORTH KOREAN flags for a change, and has managed to move Russia and China to OUR side. You can't BUY enemies like that. 
Index 

FLAGBURN.CBS
Moved: 6/28/2006 6:42
FLAGBURN.CBS

The flag survives by ONE VOTE! This is DR...

By one vote, the Senate has saved innumerable flags from desecration, and I know you'll say, Dave, what are you talking about-- the Senate actually FAILED to pass that amendment protecting the flag. It fell one vote SHORT of the 67 votes necessary to send it to the states for ratification.

Well, I know that, but I just look at what happened the LAST time Congress tried to protect the flag through legislation.

It was 1989, and an artist by the name of Dread Scott Tyler had an exhibit in Chicago where the flag was displayed on the floor. Like a doormat. People were stepping on it. The outrage was immediate, and by October, Congress had passed the Flag Protection Act of 1989.

What happened next? Did everybody stop disrespecting the flag?

Well, let me run down the list.

October 28. As the law takes effect at midnight, 500 protestors in Seattle start desecrating every flag they can find.

October 30. Four people burn flags on the steps of the US Capitol.

Fall 1989. Anti-flag rallies and art shows break out at Princeton, Berkeley, Wesleyan, and other schools; no one is charged.

February 1990. 2,000 people in San Francisco drape an effigy of President Bush in American flags, set him on a flag-draped throne, flank it with waving flags above, and a 30 foot flag in the street below, and set the whole thing on fire.

You see what I'm saying? The 1989 flag protection law probably destroyed more star spangled banners than the war of 1812.

So yes, the Senate, fell one vote short of passing the flag Amendment. And today, thousands of innocent American flags are breathing a sigh of relief.

Now this. 
Index 

ROGERS.CBS
Moved: 6/27/2006 8:00
ROGERS.CBS 06/27/06-7:46-DLR

Jailed for love. This is DR...sponsored by the Michigan Economic Development Corporation. Wherever in the world you compete -- Michigan can give you the upper hand.

In Washington State, a judge has now ordered kidney surgery for 9 month old Riley Rogers, even though his mother is worried it will do more harm than good.

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>baby-mom-b 2.wav
Time: 4s
Title: baby-mom-b 2
Description: baby-mom-b 2
Out-cue: born."]

Tina Marie Carlsen lost custody of Riley for refusing to allow the surgery, and last week, kidnapped him from his hospital room, triggering an Amber Alert. 

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>baby-mom-d 2.wav
Time: 2s
Title: baby-mom-d 2
Description: baby-mom-d 2
Out-cue: portland]

But police caught up with her first, and according to her OWN Mom, made it clear that Riley was going to be treated, period:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>baby-mom-g 2.wav
Time: 8s
Title: baby-mom-g 2
Description: baby-mom-g 2
Out-cue: arms]

Riley was born with one kidney, so no question he needs treatment, but his mother said the surgery would sentence him to a lifetime of dialysis. She wanted to try alternative treatments.

But under the law in Washington State, if a doctor says a child needs an operation, a judge can order it. Kelly Meinig, of a group called Citizens for Safe Birth, thinks that's wrong:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>kelly Meinig INFORMED CONSENT.wav
Time: 5s
Title: kelly Meinig INFORMED CONSENT
Description: kelly Meinig INFORMED CONSENT
Out-cue: ]

But no matter -- Riley Rogers' mother was jailed with bail set at half a MILLION dollars. 

At the same time, a woman by the name of Susan West, the state's most notorious drunk driver, who killed a person in 1997, and was caught last week driving erratically with a suspended license, slurred speech, and two open beers, also sits in jail. HER bail -- $150,000.

Now this. 
Index 

AFGANISTAN.CBS
Moved: 6/26/2006 7:26
AFGANISTAN.CBS 06/23/06-7:27-DLR

Apparently, we've already cut and run. This is DR...

The Senate easily rejected two Democratic proposals to pull out of Iraq. They were buried in a blizzard of speeches that included the words "cut" and "run". Which is something these colors don't do.

Except that we already have, according to CBS military consultant Jere Van Dyke:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>jee van dyke WAR IS WORST.wav
Time: 8s
Title: jee van dyke WAR IS WORST
Description: jee van dyke WAR IS WORST
Out-cue: ]

Yes, remember Afghanistan? We basically left it to simmer in order to unseat you-know-who. And now, we're being forced to put troops back in.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>jere van dyke TOO MANY SOLDIERS.wav
Time: 20s
Title: jere van dyke TOO MANY SOLDIERS
Description: jere van dyke
Out-cue: ]

And for the first time, those soldiers now starting to face some of the same tactics we're seeing in Iraq... mainly roadside bombs. What went wrong? Same thing that went wrong in Iraq. We promised, but didn't deliver:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>jere van dyke NO MONEY MUCH CORRUPTION.wav
Time: 11s
Title: jere van dyke NO MONEY MUCH CORRUPTION
Description: jere van dyke NO MONEY MUCH CORRUPTION
Out-cue: ]

And it isn't just the Taliban who are coming back:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>jere van Dyke AL QAEDA FOCUSED ON WEST.wav
Time: 10s
Title: jere van Dyke AL QAEDA FOCUSED ON WEST
Description: jere van Dyke AL QAEDA FOCUSED ON WEST
Out-cue: ]

Now this. 
Index 

BUFFET.CBS
Moved: 6/26/2006 7:26
BUFFET.CBS 06/26/06-7:02-DLR

Let Bill do it. This is DR, on the CBS Radio Network, sponsored by the Michigan Economic Development Corporation --wherever in the world you compete, Michigan can give you the upper hand.

With Warren Buffet turning over the bulk of his fortune to the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, it means their foundation's eventual asset base will total about 60 BILLION dollars.

That means its annual giving could match World Health Organization.

It won't be a foundation so much as a small GOVERNMENT. But unlike a government, I doubt there will be endless debate over how to spend the money. Now that Bill has announced plans to work full-time at the Foundation, the ultimate decision will basically be in the hands of two people. Bill and Melinda. In fact, one of the stipulations of Buffet's grant is that either Bill or Melinda must be alive and running the foundation for the money to continue coming.

That's because the Gates's have a reputation for sticking to what works, instead of what SOUNDS like it SHOULD work; or what gets members of Congress re-elected, or what makes some interest group happy. 

We all love Democracy, of course, but in areas like health care and education, the process is so slow, that by the time a program gets approved, it's either watered down, or too late to do any good, or attached to a bill to drill for oil in Alaska.

The Gates Foundation, by contrast, will be able to hand out government-size grants on a vote of 2-0, those two votes being Bill and Melinda. And even MORE important, if the program flops, it can also YANK that funding by a vote of 2-0 -- whether the interest groups and the lobbyists like it or not.

Now this. 
Index 

IRAQKILL.CBS
Moved: 6/22/2006 7:12
IRAQKILL.CBS 06/21/06-6:16-DLR

Our latest nemesis makes his debut. This is DR...

According to a web posting by Iraq's insurgent groups, those two US soldiers who were ambushed at a checkpoint south of Baghdad --weren't just beheaded. They were beheaded by Abu Hamza al-Muahjer.

That's the nom de guerre of the man who succeeded Abu Musab al Zarqawi -- who was at the top of our hit list until a 500 pound smart bomb finally sent him off to the virgins.

Officially, an army spokesman said the web statement wasn't credible. But whoever pulled off the murders, we have apparently witnessed the debut of our NEW number one enemy in Iraq. 

And he appears to be just as ruthless as our OLD number one enemy. The area where the bodies were found was wired with explosives, and the bodies themselves were booby trapped. But troops were able to recover the remains without getting hurt.

We all know why these two were executed in this way -- revenge for Zarqawi's killing, and to goad U-S soldiers into overreacting, in hopes of making the civilian population hate us more.

The insurgents' message said they had carried out "God's verdict" by killing two "captured crusaders."

I just wish that the people of Iraq could hear the message that Private Thomas Tucker left for his parents before he died:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>thomas tucker ALL BE OK.wav
Time: 5s
Title: thomas tucker ALL BE OK
Description: thomas tucker ALL BE OK
Out-cue: ]

You may question the wisdom of this war... I know I do. But there's no question about the sacrifice of the people who volunteer to fight it:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>thomas tucker LOVE YOU MOM.wav
Time: 7s
Title: thomas tucker LOVE YOU MOM
Description: thomas tucker LOVE YOU MOM
Out-cue: ]

Now this. 
Index 

NORTHKOR.CBS
Moved: 6/22/2006 7:12
NORTHKOR.CBS 06/22/06-7:31-DLR

Whacking the Taepodong. This is DR...

North Korea is so far refusing to budge on its intentions to test the Taepodong-2 missile, and now a former defense secretary is suggesting we just go ahead and take the thing out before the North Koreans have a chance to fire it.

William Perry, who served as secretary of defense under President Clinton, says it's too bad diplomacy hasn't worked, but it hasn't, and it's time for action.

And I tend to agree with him. Not because I'm a violent person, but because the Taepodong has a range of 9,000 miles -- which puts the west coast studio, from which I am speaking to you now, well within range.

And Mr. Perry says vaporizing this missile would be be pretty easy -- because now that it's all gassed up it's basically a giant Tiki Torch waiting for the barbecue to start. One cruise missile, and the whole launch complex would look like the climax of a Bruce Willis movie.

This idea comes just as we're seeing the Pentagon downplay the OTHER option, and that is, to track the launch and then whack the Taepodong with our OWN super high-tech 60 billion dollar anti-missile system.

Now the President's National Security adviser is saying our anti-missile system has "limited operational capability" to protect against such weapons.
What? Our sixty billion dollar missile system won't work against the very kind of missile it's supposed to stop? Great!
Now North Korea can not only TEST it's Taepodong, but make US look like idiots.
Unless we secretly ARE planing to take it out, and these statements are simply a RUSE, meant to throw Kim Jong Il off-balance. Hmm. THAT must be it. And considering his high heels and his high hair, that shouldn't be too tough.

Now this. 
Index 

IRAQECON.CBS
Moved: 6/20/2006 7:13
IRAQECON.CBS 06/19/06-6:50-DLR
Please tell us something positive! This is DR, on the CBS radio network, sponsored by Prilosec. Go to Prilosec OTC.com for a special offer.
Supporters of the President's Iraq policy send me regular e-mails begging for more positive news out of Iraq, and the latest one pointed to a web site called "iraqdirectory.com." And sure enough, it's a list of businesses that are thriving in Iraq. Construction firms, advertising agencies, car dealerships, even a couple of inte rior design firms.
The web site also included an upbeat assessment of Iraq's economy prepared by a publication called the Economist Intelligence Unit, which showed that Iraq's economy is set to grow by 6.2% this year, and 8.5% next year.
EXACTLY the kind of good news the mainstream media never covers.
But as I kept reading the report -- I found this:
(QUOTE)
"A critical condition for Iraq's Sunni Arab insurgents ... to foreswear the armed option is securing the removal of US-led coalition troops, or at least a clear and relatively short timetable for their departure."
Yikes! The Economic Intelligence Unit doesn't strike me as a wacky left wing rag, and yet, it's saying Iraq's economic prospects improve FASTER if we pulled back!
And it continues:
"In order that the political process can garner more credibility ... it is likely to require ... a firm ruling out by the US of long-term ambitions for the control of Iraqi military bases." (UNQUOTE)
This is the kind of thing Rep. John Murtha has been calling for, and it's gotten his patriotism challenged.
"But Dave," you say, "I've never heard of this publication." Well, that's because the annual subscription fee is more than $1000 a year and it's way too boring for prime time.
Now this. 
Index 

IRAQMEMO.CBS
Moved: 6/20/2006 7:12
IRAQMEMO.CBS 06/20/06-6:57am-DLR
And you think YOU have a hostile work environment. This is DR....
Another leaked memo is in the news... this time, it's a memo from the US Ambassador to Iraq that managed to make its way to the Washington Post. A memo to Condoleezza Rice from Ambassador Zalmay Khalizad.
He's President Bush's man. And he wouldn't be there if he didn't believe in the mission. He wouldn't be there if he wasn't a glass-half-full kind of guy.
But this memo he writes to the Secretary of State -- well, it appears that Iraqi staffers in his own Public Affairs section are starting to complain.
He reports that female staffers have been warned by neighbors to wear a veil and not drive a car. Even more ominous, the memo says that in April, embassy employees began reporting a change in demeanor of guards at the green zone checkpoints. They seemed to be militia-like; holding up the employees badge and proclaiming "Embassy" -- which is a death sentence if overheard by the wrong people.
Some employees say they don't tell even FAMILY members where they work. Because their own families don't trust the US. They think America is punishing the population the way Saddam did.
As a result of all this, the ambassador reports, "tension and moodiness have risen," and the memo concludes (QUOTE) "Objectivity, civility, and logic that make for a functional workplace may falter if social pressures outside the Green Zone don't abate."

In other words, the situation in Iraq is now bad enough that it's creating a hostile work environment at the US Embassy.

So I guess we... what? File a harassment lawsuit against the insurgents! Eh? Those insurgents may be able to hold off the military, but wait until we send our LAWYERS after them!

Now this. 
Index 

NORTH KOREA
Moved: 6/19/2006 6:40
NORTH KOREA MISSILE

North Korea, as rogue nations go, is one of the more refreshing rogue nations. They don't make any bones about their roguishness.

While we were busy making sure that Iraq would never use the nuclear weapons it didn't have, North Korea was cheerfully refining uranium and telling the whole world.

Now we learn they have fueled up a test missile, and are prepared to fire it -- a test missile with a range long enough to reach the back yard of everyone listening to this.

Of course, a missile able to reach the West Coast of the United States would first have to fly over Japan, which is why the Japanese foreign minister called the missile a threat to regional security, and vowed to take decisive action should the test go forward.

And what will Japan do? Japan threatened to immediately -- inform the UN security council! Take THAT North Korea. And I bet the security council would even go so far as to issue a full fledged, all-out NEWS RELEASE!

As for the U-S -- we, you know how much we like waiting for the UN to take action. But so far, we haven't specified what WE'D do... we've been busy with the "Iranian uranium," and indeed that may be what brought this all to a head. 

If there's anything a rogue nation hates, it's being upstaged by ANOTHER rogue nation

But as I see it, this North Korean test would be the perfect chance to test our OWN 60 billion dollar star wars defense system. I mean here's a chance to test it on the real thing, not some limping dummy missile with a bull's eye on its butt.

Imagine if North Korea were to press the button, and the missile goes off, and then it just kind of disappears from the radar screens. 

The Pentagon wouldn't have to say anything...

I won't tell if you won't tell. 
Index 

BUSHBAGHDAD.CBS
Moved: 6/16/2006 9:20
BUSHBAGHDAD.CBS 06/13/06-7:31

Either he's nuts, or security must be way better than most people think. This is DR...

The President said he was going to Camp David for a war council including a teleconference with Iraqi's new leadership.

It was a little odd that he would convene his war council at Camp David on a weekday, since Camp David is usually a weekend retreat, but everybody bought the story until -- surprise! When the Iraqi leadership assembled in the teleconference room in Baghdad's green zone, well, the display resolution far exceeded their expectations.

They had been given the teleconference story simply to get them all in the same room -- when the President arrived in person.

Whatever you think about George Bush, this is the kind of thing that leaders don't do nearly enough -- showing up right there in the battlefield to lead the charge. It's gutsy.

And consider the planning -- even the cabinet members summoned to Camp David didn't know! And this is the SECOND he's pulled this off: Thanksgiving 2003 -- we were told the President would spend the holiday at the Crawford ranch, the menu was announced, his PARENTS flew in, but even THEY didn't know about his little side trip to carve turkey in Baghdad.

And something else: in the 2003 visit, he landed and took off under cover of darkness before the trip was even disclosed. This time he landed at 4:08 in the afternoon, helicoptering into the Green Zone low over the rooftops, and the pictures were flashed around the world while he was still there. 

That could be significant. It could mean the day is coming when an American president can go to Baghdad WITHOUT having to be sneaky about it. 

Now this. 
Index 

2500DEAD.CBS
Moved: 6/16/2006 9:19
2500DEAD.CBS 06/15/06-6:44 DLR

The beginning of the end. This is DR....

The house is debating the Iraq war today against the backdrop of the latest milestone -- 2500 US soldiers dead.

But there's another milestone today. We got a timetable.

Not from the President -- he doesn't set timetables -- but from Mouwafak al-Rubaie, Iraq's national security adviser, and a man now awash in documents from the pulverized hideout of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.

He's got the names, the hideouts, the movements -- thanks to a computer thumbdrive in Zarqawi's pocket. It took a licking and kept on ticking.

So good is this information that the security minister took the next step, saying that security in Iraq would improve enough that by the end of this year, a "large number" of US forces could leave, and that very possibly, by mid 2008, the last US soldier could go home.

Why, that would be just in time for the Presidential election.

And note his language -- the LAST soldier, he said. Implying that there wouldn't be ANY US soldiers left behind in Iraq. Not even at those very large permanent bases we're building.

I know a lot of you are skeptical, but if the new Iraqi government tells us to leave -- I think we're pretty much obligated to leave.

TOTAL withdrawal. And withdrawal with HONOR, because it would come at the behest of the duly elected and sovereign Iraqi government. 

There appears to be a shimmer of independence in these new Iraqi politicians. An adviser to the new prime minister even said that as part of the national reconciliation plan, Iraqis who killed US troops could be PARDONED -- on grounds that their attacks were legitimate acts of resistance, intended to defend the homeland.

That might not go down well at the White House -- but if it means we're out in 2 years -- I have a feeling a lot of us would be too busy untying yellow ribbons to notice.

Now this. 
Index 

BILLGATES.CBS
Moved: 6/16/2006 9:19
BILLGATES.CBS 06/16/06-5:39

Bill Gates gives his two-year notice. This is DR... sponsored by the Michogan Economic Development Program. Wherever in the world you compete, Michigan can give you the upper hand.

Bill Gates announced that over the next two years, he'll step aside as Chief Software Architect at Microsoft to work full-time at the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation [in that new headquarters mere keystrokes from the Space needle.]

It's a remarkable story. Bill Gates is one of the few people who everybody agrees deserves to be rich. He has the kind of profit margin that would embarrass Exxon, but everybody likes him -- except a few competitors. He's the anti-Trump. All the money in the world -- but instead of frolicking with some starlet he 's touring impoverished African villages. He's got a huge waterfront mansion, but unless you know where to look, you'd never know it was there.

He's the triumph of substance over style. He's the reason CEOs wear loose-fitting sweaters instead of ties.

And to the computer world he's -- he's Jesus. He made computers a religion. AND -- he's the reason it's been Christmas in Seattle since Microsoft went public in 1986, and young programmers with bad haircuts started taking out big mortgages.

But now -- he's kicking himself upstairs. It was inevitable. He's 50 now, and we all know how that is -- you start forgetting passwords, you have a lot of unused desktop icons, you can't open as many windows simultaneously. So it was time to move on.

But even in his new role as full time good-deed-doer, he'll continue to help the company he founded. Not just by staying on as chairman, but by sending the message that when you buy Microsoft, you not only keep Bill Gates rich, you help save the world.

This is DR... back with the DR show, and a Hymn to Bill Gates at 9:00 
Index 

ZARQAWI.CBS
Moved: 6/12/2006 7:31
ZARQAWI.CBS 06/12/06

Undeniably and reliably dead. This is DR...

Sponsored by Prilosec -- go to Prilosec OTC-dot-com for a special offer.

The Coroner in the land of Oz knew the moment the stockings shriveled that the wicked witch of the East was undeniably and reliably dead.

But of course, she was not the only evil in the land of Oz, or else the movie would have ended after twenty minutes. No, as luck would have it there was another witch, even worse than her sister.

It's a familiar story, isn't it?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>sanchez1.wav
Time: 6s
Title: sanchez1
Out-cue: ]

Uday and Kusay -- remember them? Saddam's sons, pulling the strings behind the scenes. At least we got both evil siblings at once that time -- blew them to smithereens -- but the evil continued. Because SADDAM was still alive, remember?

But then we got him too:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>sanchez SADDAM FOUND.wav
Time: 5s
Title: sanchez SADDAM FOUND
Description: sanchez SADDAM FOUND
Out-cue: ]

And yet the evil STILL continued. Because, we were told, of Zarqawi, who had been operating in Baghdad from the beginning: the link between Iraq and al Qaeda:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>rumsfeld 050506 ZARQAEI IN BAGDAD.wav
Time: 7s
Title: rumsfeld 050506 ZARQAEI IN BAGDAD
Description: rumsfeld 050506 ZARQAEI IN BAGDAD
Out-cue: ] Q:...that is a fact."

Well now he too is out of operation, and sure enough, an Islamic militant web site has already named Sheik Abu Hamza al-Muhajer as his successor. Where will it end? Well, six months ago, an insurgent laid it out for CBS News through a translator:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>insurgent 121305 RESISTANCE ENDS WHEN OCCUPATION DOES short.wav
Time: 6s
Title: insurgent 121305 RESISTANCE ENDS WHEN OCCUPATION DOES short
Description: insurgent 121305 RESISTANCE ENDS WHEN OCCUPATION DOES short
Out-cue: ]

Their message is a familiar one too: that if we really want the troops home, all we have to do is click our heels.

Now this. 
Index 

IMMIGRATION.CBS
Moved: 5/25/2006 10:44
IMMIGRATION.CBS 05/25/06-6:53-DLR

Opportunity finally knocks! This is DR...

Illegal immigration has been front page news for at least two months. We've discussed every possible aspect. We've discussed the border fence, guest workers, amnesty, big fines against employers, and the way Mexico treats Americans --to legally bring your family to Mexico, you need a marriage certificate, academic transcripts, and a letter from your local police chief. 

We all know this is a lopsided relationship; and Congress is finally ready to lower the boom. 
There's only one thing we haven't figured out. Where to find all those eager American workers who want the high sweat jobs.
They're like the dark matter that permeates the universe: we know they're out there, but you can't see them:
[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Mike_Gempler 032306 TWO STAYED MORE THAN A DAY.wav
Time: 8s
Title: Mike_Gempler 032306 TWO STAYED MORE THAN A DAY
Out-cue: ]
But refusing to give up, Mike Gempler of the Washington Growers Association has again this year put out a call for American fruit pickers:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Mike_Gempler 032306 PAY HOUSING ETC.wav
Time: 9s
Title: Mike_Gempler 032306 PAY HOUSING ETC
Out-cue: ]

If he can't get Americans, he's going to have to try to hire more Mexicans.
I say "try" because the Mexicans have actually started LEAVING the farms for easier retail jobs.
So the fruit AND the opportunity are ripe, the excuses are gone. Americans have a chance to prove they can sweat with the best.
And let me just say -- for those of you who were hanging back -- hoping for careers as prematurely grey soul singers doing remakes of "In The Ghetto" -- that job has now been taken.

Now this. 
Index 

IDOL.CBS
Moved: 5/24/2006 7:33
IDOL.CBS 5/23/06

Oh, the promises we make. This is DR...

I promised myself I wouldn't let it happen; I promised myself that this year would be different, but like so many promises we make to ourselves, this one didn't stick; like so many attempts at self-improvement, this too fell short.

I made the promise because I wanted to be able to relate better. I wanted to be able to understand where OTHER people were coming from, instead of just being locked in my own private world.

That's why I promised myself that this year, I would do whatever it took to watch American Idol.

I was tired of being left out of the office buzz. Tired of everyone flinging around household names I had never heard of. Tired of feeling like I had just emigrated here for a roofing job.

But it didn't work. I lasted one episode. 
[Cart No: <8 Raw Carts>idol audition.wav
Time: 7s
Title: idol audition
Out-cue: ]

That pretty much did it. I became one the few Americans living without karaoke.

I sit here, a sad example of what happens when you let yourself age out of the 18-49 demographic.

I admit to you I don't know who Taylor Hicks or Katharine McPhee are and what makes them special. I read today that one of them sang the best "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" that's ever been heard on a TV Karaoke competition. I love that song! America has long needed a new version of "Somewhere Over The Rainbow"! But I missed it, and I might as well face up to it.

Yes, I know it's ugly. But I really believe that if my story helps just ONE other person, it will be worth it.
[Cart No: <8 Raw Carts>idol audition 2.wav
Time: 3s
Title: idol audition 2
Description: idol audition 2
Out-cue: ]

Well, you can't help everybody.

Now this. 
Index 

GOUGING.CBS
Moved: 5/24/2006 7:33
GOUGING.CBS 05/24/06-6:14-DLR

Show us the evidence! This is DR...

The Senate once again held hearings on gas prices, and once again heard the head of the Federal Trade Commission say that passing a law against price gouging would only make things worse.

Plus, she didn't see any evidence there WAS gouging going on.

Senator Maria Cantwell pointed to the gas prices up in refinery-rich Whatcom county:

[Cart No: <8 Raw Carts>cantwell WHATCOM CO PRICES.wav
Time: 5s
Title: cantwell WHATCOM CO PRICES
Description: cantwell WHATCOM CO PRICES
Out-cue: ]

She also said that BP at one point was exporting fuel to OTHER countries for LESS than it could get here, as a way to gouge Americans.

But FTC Chair Deborah Platt Majoras says her agency looked into this:

[Cart No: <8 Raw Carts>deboard platt majoras NO EVIDENCE.wav
Time: 9s
Title: deboard platt majoras NO EVIDENCE
Description: deboard platt majoras NO EVIDENCE
Out-cue: ]

No gouging there.

Although the actual EVIDENCE of the lack of gouging is secret:

[Cart No: <8 Raw Carts>deborah platt majoras REQUIRED TO REDACT.wav
Time: 5s
Title: deborah platt majoras REQUIRED TO REDACT
Description: deborah platt majoras REQUIRED TO REDACT
Out-cue: ]

Don't worry -- she will work with the General counsel's office to see whether that information can be provided:

[Cart No: <8 Raw Carts>deborah platt majoras BUT SHE WILL TRY.wav
Time: 5s
Title: deborah platt majoras BUT SHE WILL TRY
Description: deborah platt majoras BUT SHE WILL TRY
Out-cue: ]

So I'm sure we'll have it in a few hours.

In the meantime, according to the Federal Trade Commission, which, I would point out, is a group of Commissioners, at the Federal Level, who supervise TRADE.... what you are seeing at the pump is NOT gouging. So please don't call it that. That is hurtful to some very sensitive corporations. And it's not like you're losing an EYE.

It's more like a nick. A scratch. A slight price CONTUSION. A bump. A poke -- a TICKLE. A price TICKLE!

You can call it anything you want.... 

[Cart No: <8 Raw Carts>deborah platt majoras NO SHRED.wav
Time: 2s
Title: deborah platt majoras NO SHRED
Description: deborah platt majoras NO SHRED
Out-cue: ]

...except illegal.

Now this. 
Index 

MYSPACE
Moved: 5/22/2006 7:12
MYSPACE.CBS 05/22/2006-7:16-DLR

It's another MySpace flap. This is DR....

School District 128 north of Chicago will vote tonight on a new code of conduct, which would hold students accountable for what they post on their blogs or their MySpace sites.

MySpace has taken off as a place to brag about misbehavior, and Anne Landgraf, the District President, says it ought to be fair game:

[Cart No: <8 Raw Carts>anne landgraf MY SPACE CODE OF CONDUCT (2).mp3
Time: 7s
Title: anne landgraf MY SPACE CODE OF CONDUCT (2)
Out-cue: ]

So the new code of conduct for after school activities would allow students to be kicked off a team based on "illegal or inappropriate behavior" posted on MySpace.

And the kids ....HATE it. They think the stuff on MySpace is THEIR business. Quoting the Chicago Tribune article: "It's called `MySpace' for a reason..." said Katy Bauschke, 18... Vanessa O'Brien, 17, put it more bluntly. "It seems creepy and weird," she said.

Well Vanessa, we live in creepy and weird times.

How does anybody today grow up thinking that the private messages they DELIBERATELY publicize will stay private? Someone tell those kids what the three W's on those Internet web sites stand for! Anne! Tell them!

[Cart No: <8 Raw Carts>anne landgraf NOT A VIOLATION.wav
Time: 4s
Title: anne landgraf NOT A VIOLATION
Description: anne landgraf NOT A VIOLATION
Out-cue: ]

Yes! It's W-W-W-dot-MySpace-dot com. WORLD-WIDE-WEB.

This is NOT complicated. If you want to keep your drunken orgy SECRET, DON'T post it on something called the WORLD WIDE WEB!

And if you DO, of COURSE you should be kicked off the Chess team. In fact you probably shouldn't graduate at all, on account of not being ready for a world where even the messages you DON'T deliberately publicize might not be private.

Now this. 
Index 

FENCE.CBS
Moved: 5/18/2006 6:40
FENCE.CBS 05/18/06-6:01-DLR

We're getting a fence. This is DR...

Last night, the otherwise immigrant-friendly Senate voted by a pretty emphatic 83-16 margin in favor of a 370-mile triple-layered fence along the Mexican border. Even Democrats like Dianne Feinstein and Barbara Boxer supported it.

That means we're gettin' a fence.
The Mexican work ethic is about to become our latest controlled substance. 

There's no OFFICIAL design yet for the fence, but you can find at least one un-official design at a web site called WeNeedAFence.com. It shows a 50-yard-wide no-man's-land, barricaded by coiled razor wire, anti-vehicle ditches, and a reinforced barbed-wore-topped metal barrier 15 feet high -- with a paved patrol road monitored by cameras and buried motion detectors...and of course the hellish desert beyond.

I figure the first fence screens out the fruit pickers, the ditch gets the gardeners, and the 15 foot barrier stops the roofers.

Never mind keeping cheap labor out, that's enough to keep New Orleans dry!

But just the same, critics like Colorado Republican Tom Tancredo say the Senate bill is STILL an amnesty bill, because despite the fence, illegals would get a chance to become legal.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>tom tancredo 051806 DONT DESERVE IT JUST FOR BEING HERE.wav
Time: 10s
Title: tom tancredo 051806 DONT DESERVE IT JUST FOR BEING HERE
Description: tom tancredo 051806 DONT DESERVE IT JUST FOR BEING HERE
Out-cue: ]Q:...cause we're here."

No, not exactly. They'll be saying give 'em to us because we got past the mother of all fences. Who deserves citizenship more -- someone who was born here and would never DREAM of picking fruit, or someone who could pick fruit AND join the Green Berets. 

Now this. 
Index 

RUDEUS.CBS
Moved: 5/17/2006 7:52
RUDEUS.CBS 05/17/06-6:00-DLR

Greedy. Violent. Rude. This is DR...

For the last four years, the Pew Global Attitudes project has been interviewing people in various countries about their attitudes towards America.

And according to a new book based on the survey, distaste for America is rising.

For example, in Canada, Spain, the Netherlands, Russia, and Great Britain, a majority consider us to be Greedy. And VIOLENT.

A majority in Canada also consider us to be RUDE.

And the dislike seems to be growing fastest among young people. For example, in Britain, as of four years ago, only 10% of those under 30 detested us. Now that's doubled to 20%.

And that's DESPITE the fact that we got JK Rowling off welfare.

But I also found something else in the data tat's not usually mentioned.

Guess which country is number one on the list of those considering the US greedy. 64% of the British considered us greedy, and 67% of the Dutch, but there was one country where 70% considered Americans greedy. And that country was -- The United States of America.

70% of us consider us greedy. 

I'm impressed by that. It shows that whatever you say about us, at least we're honest. In fact 63% of us consider ourselves honest.

[What's even more charming about us is that we CARE what people think about us, since we don't really have to. But we want to be powerful AND loved.] 

By the way -- can you guess which country actually still DOES love us? INDIA. Yes India. Perhaps because so many our help calls are routed there. They get to talk to us when we're at our most pathetic.

Now this. 
Index 

IMMIGR16.CBS
Moved: 5/16/2006 7:00
IMMIGR16.CBS 05/16/06-6:29-DLR

We have met the enemy. This is DR...

The National Guard is headed to the border -- for one year:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush 051506 AS HI TECH STANDS UP GUARD STANDS DOWN.wav
Time: 6s
Title: bush 051506 AS HI TECH STANDS UP GUARD STANDS DOWN
Description: bush 051506 AS HI TECH STANDS UP GUARD STANDS DOWN
Out-cue: ]

So as the Border Patrol stands up, the National Guard will stand down.

And the Mexicans will wait until neither one is looking and THEN sneak in.

Or... or... maybe it will work like a charm!

Maybe this will stop the flow of illegals once and for all, so that we'll go back to the days when energetic English-speaking teenagers mowed laws, and the construction sites and restaurants were overflowing with motivated American students cheerfully working their way through college.

It could happen. If you had the national guard patrolling the suburbs yanking teenagers out of their endless soccer practices, and unplugging their computers.

Because there's your problem! This country is hungry for good old American manual labor, yet nobody raises their kid for a career in manual labor!

We want them to go to college! And we petition the government for cheap student loans so they can study without even working PART time!

Because we don't want our kids spending their lives weeding someone's garden for eight dollars an hour. We want them to be able hire someone ELSE'S kids to weed their garden for eight dollars an hour.

There IS basically ONE thing Americans are happy to see their kids do for eight dollars an hour, and that's join the military.

And so, starting next month, enlisted soldiers will earn about eight bucks an hour driving back and forth along the border, to prevent MEXICANS from earning THEIR eight bucks an hour building houses, cooking food, and picking crops.

Yes, we have met the enemy. And it's the Mexican work ethic.

Now this. 
Index 

HISPANI5.CBS
Moved: 5/15/2006 7:48
HISPANI3.CBS 05/15/06 -6:03-DLR
Will illegal aliens finally meet their match? This is DR on the CBS Radio Network, sponsored by Prilosec. Go to Prilosec OTC dot com for a special offer.
The President addresses the nation on illegal immigration tonight and he's prepared to get tough.
Until now, he's focused on a guest worker program that immigration hawks have ridiculed as amnesty. But now, by all indications, he's prepared to send the National Guard to help seal the border.
The issue has certainly scrambled the political borders.
Republican Senator Mel Martinez of Florida, who came here from Cuba at age 15, is rated 100% by the American Conservative Union -- but he says simply sealing the border is not the answer.
[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>mel martinez 051206 BRING OUT OF SHADOWS.wav
Time: 17s
Title: mel martinez 051206 BRING OUT OF SHADOWS
Out-cue: ]Q.. and where they live."

He agrees with the President that you need a guest worker program for the 11 million illegals already here.
Ah, but others like Republican Senator Charlie Norwood of Georgia want up to 48,000 border troops, with a goal of completely cutting off the flow of illegals by Memorial Day.
And you can't deny that kind of get-tough talk stirs the patriotic juices.
I mean, can you imagine 48,000 troops? Finally we may have a chance against Mexico's crack 82nd roofers division and their laser-guided nail guns. You ever seen those guys swarm a roof?
In fact, with 48,000 troops, we might even outflank the Third Drywallers division with their Hellfire cordless screwdrivers.
Now this.
~F:\WORKS\FILES\HISPANI3.CBS 
Index 

NSANUMBER2.CBS
Moved: 5/12/2006 7:22
NSANUMBER2.CBS 05/12/06-5:17 am -DLR

This is DR... sponsored by go to Prilosec OTC dot com for a special offer.

So what do we know at this point.

We know that the government has a database of every phone call made since 2001. We know that the NSA could, for example, get a list of everyone who picked up a phone in Dubuque and called Pakistan between midnight and one a.m. last Saturday.

In fact, the NSA has so much information they could tell you how many Americans really ARE linked to Kevin Bacon.

But we also know that they would never do that, because they are only looking for terrorists.

Although at this point, they're only looking for STUPID terrorists who don't read the paper and still use phones.

Most important, we know that... we're not supposed to know any of this. Because it's a secret. Just like Valerie what's her name.

So, what do we do about it. Well, it's obviously not going to stop, so the NSA needs a positive spin.

OK how about this.

We all know that most of us who use telephones are innocent. And by now the NSA knows that too. So, suppose, instead of just using this data to catch the terrorists, the NSA uses it to reward the NON-terrorists.

So if it turns out a guy called Pakistan 500 times ... to speak with his ELDERLY MOTHER -- he gets the NSA "Family Values" medal.

You could have a whole SERIES of medals! Bronze if you go FIVE years without calling a terrorist, silver if you go ten... Gold for twenty...

And as for terrorists calling in, you could have the "Busy Signal" club, with a cool NSA code ring -- for people who voluntarily leave their phones off the hook... so the terrorists go straight into voice mail. Which, as we know, is truly escape proof.

Now this. 
Index 

NSANUMBERS.CBS
Moved: 5/11/2006 7:57
NSANUMBERS.CBS 05/11/2006-5:47am-DLR

Can you hear me now? This is DR...

When you first heard the story about the warrantless wiretaps of overseas calls, you must've wondered, "yes, but HOW do they decide WHICH overseas calls to warrantlessly wiretap?"

Well now we know. We discover today that since 2001, phone companies have been secretly selling their secret telephone call database to the super-secret National Security Agency. ALL the records ... on who you call, when you call, and how long you talk. Don't worry, they do NOT provide your name, your address, or your social security number, because -- THAT would be snooping.

And then the NSA cranks the call records through its computers, to figure out who's calling pattern is suspicious enough to be wiretap-worthy.

Verizon, Bell South, SBC, AT&T have all cooperated; the only company NOT cooperating is Qwest -- something about being unsure about th e LEGALITY of the whole thing.

How quaint! They were worried about the LEGALITY! That is so...Jimmy Stewart. 
Of course the rest of us GOT the memo, and we all know that the President is Commander in Chief in time of war, and that since 2001 the whole country is the battlefield, which means that all telephones are field telephones, and therefore, they can tap your phone, monitor your e-mail, snatch the greeting from your Mother's Day bouquet... 

Ah but here's the part of the story NO ONE'S covering.

Consider -- if the NSA has been collecting every phone record since 2001 -- who we called, when we called, how long we talked... it can only mean one thing. The NSA actually knows which company DOES give the best long distance deal.

And it's not telling.

Now this. 
Index 

CIACHIEF.CBS
Moved: 5/9/2006 7:54
CIACHIEF.CBS 05/08/06-5:54-DLR 

A new CIA chief. This is Dave Ross on CBS Radio Network.

General Michael Hayden has accepted the President's nomination to head the CIA, saying the job is "Too important not to get absolutely right." No argument there.

Ah but the main problem his critics have is with HIM. Republican Peter Hoekstra who chairs the House Intelligence Committee, says he's against the General, because he's... a General:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>hoekstra 050806 CIA MILITARY.wav
Time: 9s
Title: hoekstra 050806 CIA MILITARY
Description: hoekstra 050806 CIA MILITARY
Out-cue: ]

And giving the CIA to a guy with four stars on each shoulder doesn't exactly scream independence.

Of course, it's not up to the House to confirm General Hayden -- but over in the Senate there's dissent as well. Republican Arlen Specter worries that General Hayden not only ran but DEFENDED the President's "constitutionally innovative" domestic wiretapping program.

The General's defenders point out he was simply following the advice of White House lawyers who told him it was exactly what the founding fathers intended.

How does this all affect us?

Well, on the wiretapping, most of us by now have cut back on our calls to overseas terrorists. And as for the idea THAT giving the CIA to a general would now mean that military officers would run ALL the big spy agencies?
Hey -- it just shows the world who we are now. If you line up our intelligence chiefs, you will see about 15 guys with stern faces, wearing ribbons on their chests and stars on their shoulders. It tells the world: "we're the Deciders... and you're the Decidees. We're the eavesdroppers, you're the eavesdropees: Whaddaya gonna do about it?" It's a rhetorical question. 
We already know.

Now this. 
Index 

BLAINE.CBS
Moved: 5/9/2006 7:54
BLAINE.CBS 05/09/06-6:58-DLR
Seven Minutes and Eight Seconds. This is DR...
David Blaine, America's Flatliner Wanna-be, was unable last night to break the world record for breath holding. At the last moment, his assistants decided his death would be downer and rescued him after 7 minutes and eight seconds.
For seven days he stood submerged in a man-fish bowl at Lincoln Center, attracting huge crowds even in the middle for the night -- because, well, there's a guy in a glass SPHERE full of water trying to kill himself! How can you not watch?
And after spending seven days deliberately trying to slow his heart rate, he yanked the oxygen tube - and started the clock. The record for intentional asphxiation was 8 minutes and 58 seconds, but when he started blacking out after 7 minutes -- well, it just proves what we all suspected, the warning on the dry cleaner bag is there for a reason.
Blaine said he felt he let people down. You can see why.
I mean, if he had been able to prove that a human being could hold his breath longer than 8 minutes and 58 seconds, it would prove that it IS possible to prevent bad luck, while driving past even the LARGEST graveyards.
You wouldn't have to try so hard to pass diesel trucks.
Those poor people in The Poseidon Adventure might have had a chance.
But there it is -- seven minutes and eight seconds.

And yet, there is a silver lining here. You know, seven minutes -- that means the next time your kid does it to get your attention, you know you have time to finish your phone call.

AND -- because of David Blaine, guys, the next time that gorgeous woman sitting next to you at the sushi bar tells you not to hold your breath -- you'll know why.

Now this. 
Index 

RUMSFELD LIES
Moved: 5/5/2006 7:42
ZARQAWI.CBS 05/05/06 6:21-DLR

Lies lies lies. This is DR. On the CBS Radio Network. Sponsored by Prilosec. Go to Prilosec OTC dot com for a special offer.

Secretary Rumsfeld was accused again yesterday of lying about Iraq. A former CIA officer confronted him at an Atlanta appearance insisting he exaggerated the link between Iraq and al Qaida terrorist Abu Musab al Zarqawi:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>rumsfeld and mcgovern 050506 EXAGGERATED ZARQAWI.wav
Time: 15s
Title: rumsfeld and mcgovern 050506 EXAGGERATED ZARQAWI
Description: rumsfeld and mcgovern 050506 EXAGGERATED ZARQAWI
Out-cue: ]

Of course, whether he was in Iraq before the war or not, he's certainly there now, and we've been told he's our arch enemy, organizing insurgents and sending out tapes vowing to continue killing American soldiers. 

But did you see the latest video of Mr Zarqawi? Yesterday, the Defense Department released a tape found during a raid, and on it were outtakes -- a Zarqawi BLOOPER reel -- showing his machine gun jamming, and him looking baffled, un-able to un-jam it, until he calls an assistant to unjam it for him. 

And in the most embarrassing shot of all, the camera zooms out to reveal that Zarqawi, enemy of all things western, is wearing New Balance tennis shoes. One of the few brands still actually made in the USA! 

And you ask, Dave why are you telling us all this? Only because, like you, I'm trying to figure out what the truth is. And if we take the Defense Secretary at his word, the truth appears to be that NOBODY lied to us, and that is why we remain in Iraq after three years, still trying to subdue a guy who can't fire his weapon. And who goes to battle in sneakers.

Now this. 
Index 

KENNEDY
Moved: 5/5/2006 7:42
KENNEDY.CBS 050506 6:54-DLR
Another news story involving the words "Kennedy", "car" and "alcohol". This is DR on the CBS Radio Network.
Yes, it's a combination that guarantees front page coverage... Rep. Patrick Kennedy of Rhode Island crashed his green Mustang convertible into a security barrier near the Capitol early Thursday morning, and when he emerged, appeared intoxicated, according to the police report.
They didn't make him blow into the breathalyzer, but maybe they didn't thhink they needed to. He was driving without lights, and when he staggered out of the car he said he was late for a vote, even though it was 2:45 in the morning, and Congress had taken its last vote of the day six hours earlier.
Reporters for the Boston Herald decided to visit all the alcoholic beverage establishments Representative Kennedy is known to frequent, and came across a hostess who would not give her name, but who saw him at the "Hawk and Dove" was quoted as saying “He was drinking a little bit” unquote.
Kennedy denies the implication of drunkkenness. HE says the culprit was prescription drugs. He's been taking Phenergan for gastroenteritis, and Ambien for insomnia.
So he wasn't drunk, he was only taking Phenergan and Ambien!
Does anybody NOT know what Ambien does? 
But never mind that, what was he doing in a car after taking Phenergan? According to the literature, reactions can include dizziness, lassitude, tinnitus, incoordination, fatigue, blurred vision, euphoria, nervousness, insomnia, tremors, convulsive seizures, excitation, catatonic-like states, and hysteria.

Oh -- and very possibly, trouble coming up with a plausible alibi.
Now this. 
Index 

MOUSSAOUI.CBS
Moved: 5/4/2006 7:58
MOUSSAOUI.CBS 05/04/06 5:21-DLR

America, you lost, he said. This is Dave Ross. On The CBS Radio Network.

America, you lost, I won, said Zacharias Moussaoui after his verdict.

But then Zacharias Moussaoui has said a lot of things. Including predicting that George W. Bush would set him free.

So he won, eh? Let's see - instead of bunking with heaven's unspoiled maidens, his neighbors at Super Max will include Ramsi Yousef, Terry Nichols, and the Unabomber.

Be still my beating heart.

WAS this just about the death penalty? No. It was also to show the world how Western civilization works. You know -- the western civilization Moussaoui hates so much.
You see, in our system, before we sentence a person to death, the jury methodically considers whether the aggravating factors have been proved beyond a "reasonable doubt," and whether the mitigating circumstances have been proved by "a preponderance" of the evidence. With a unanimous verdict required. It took 42 pages.

This, in contrast to Moussaoui's system... where a local cleric catches you converting to Christianity, and orders you shot.

We call OUR system "due process." And it means that even if you are thoroughly repulsive; even if you're one sandwich short of a picnic, you get a fair hearing.
And so Moussaoui spends the next --- what, forty, fifty years? -- eating alone, and sleeping on a mattress fitted to a concrete slab. While reveling in his victory over America, of course.

"God save Osama Bin Laden," he said this morning, "You will never get him."
To which Judge Brinkema said ``you will die with a whimper,'' and never be allowed to speak publicly again.

Enjoy your victory, sir. May there be many more... just like it.

Now this. 
Index 

GASPLASMA.CBS
Moved: 5/3/2006 6:41
GASPLASMA.CBS 05/03/06-6:02-DLR
America fights back! This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
Oil's now at $75 a barrel. Prices have gotten so bad that in LA, some motorists deliberately run out of gas to get the free gallon from the tow truck.
But in Spokane, reporter Stephan Kaufman found one American who REFUSED to give up!
[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Stephan Kaufman report.wav
Time: 13s
Title: Stephan Kaufman report
Description: Stephan Kaufman report
Out-cue: ]
See? Katie Wilson gets it. The solution to higher gas prices has been coursing through our veins all along. It turns out that each of us has our own Strategic Plasma Reserve. And as long as we keep ourselves hydrated, it's something no Middle Eastern potentate can take from us.

Katie says her parents are skeptical.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Katie Wilson.wav
Time: 7s
Title: Katie Wilson
Description: Sells blood plasma for gas
Out-cue: ]

But before you pooh pooh this idea, Mom and Dad, let's look at the economics.

A normal-sized person can safely give about one-and-a-half gallons of plasma a month, for which Katie gets one-hundred eighty dollars, enough to buy about 60 gallons of gas.

Now, if you drive a car getting 30 m-p-g, multiplied by amount of gas you can buy for one gallon of plasma... that makes your PLASMA mileage 1200 miles per gallon!

So you see, the critics are wrong! Big Oil has NOT been sucking the blood out of the economy! Just the plasma!

By the way -- Please don't all go flocking to the plasma centers. You want to hold onto your reserves as long as possible. Keep the price up.

Now this. 
Index 

IMMIGRA02.CBS
Moved: 5/2/2006 7:14
IMMIGRA02.CBS 05/05/06-6:23 -DLR

Awaiting the Reconquista. This is DR on the CBS Radio Network.

The Associated Press estimates that 1.1 million people took part in the day without Immigrants.

1.1 million... which includes many sympathizers who are here LEGALLY. 

So, if we accept that there are 12 million illegal immigrants in this country -- it means that less than 10% of them participated.

Which means that more than 90% of this country's illegal immigrants spent yesterday just doing what they usually do -- roofing, drywalling, cooking, cleaning, nannying, keeping house, going to school.

Meantime, south of the border, it was a "Day Without Gringos," which included boycotts of all things American, and a border blockade: 400 demonstrators blocked the border at San Diego so Mexicans couldn't get across to shop. Something a lot of people in the US wish they'd do EVERY day.

So in the end, we learned what we already knew. That Mexicans REALLY like American stuff, otherwise there would have been no need to block the border; and Americans really like Mexican labor. Otherwise we would have fired all 12 million long ago.

Which brings us to the Reconquista. This is the idea, pushed by radical Latino groups, that the slow invasion of immigrants will eventually recapture the southwestern United States, and return it to Mexico.

So tell me -- these 12 million illegals, 90% of whom didn't strike yesterday, came here hoping to wake up one morning and find themselves back in the screwed up country they left? They came here to get the hell OUT of Mexico. The LAST thing they want is for Mexico to FOLLOW them here.

Because then we'll all have to sneak into CANADA.

Now this. 
Index 

STARSPANGLED.CBS
Moved: 5/1/2006 6:31
STARSPANGLED.CBS 050106-DLR

Keeping the anthem sacred. This is DR on the CBS Radio Network.

The official theme song of today's Day Without Latinos is a Spanish version of the Star Spangled Banner. Which includes the fairly controversial line, "My people keep fighting. It's time to break the chains." 

Controversial enough that even some Spanish stations are refusing to play it. 

And on the Anglo talk shows -- it was sacrilege. It was Mark Krikorian, head of the Center for Immigration Studies, who captured America's resentment when he said that asking us to accept the Star Spangled Banner in Spanish would be like asking the (*) French to accept the singing of La Marseillaise in English. 

Well Mark, I hope you're sitting down, because I'm going to take you back to 1963 and a singer named Allan Sherman:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>allan sherman 043006 KING LOUIE PARODY open.mp3
Time: 47s
Title: allan sherman 043006 KING LOUIE PARODY open
Out-cue: ]

Not only did he sing it in English, I believe he was making fun of it.

Oh, but then it gets worse. (*) Much worse

[Cart No: <8 Raw Carts>allan sherman 043006 KING LOUIE PARODY end.mp3
Time: 18s
Title: allan sherman 043006 KING LOUIE PARODY end
Out-cue: ]
...and now the country's gone kablooey."

Maybe that's why the French don't quite trust us. By the way, I checked, and the Spanish version of the Star Spangled Banner does not include the word "kablooey."

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MASSAOU3
Moved: 3/24/2006 13:10
Tell me this isn’t the plan. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
The sentencing case against al Qaeda conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui has been eye popping.
Moussaoui has already pleaded guilty, but the question now is whether he gets death. And to make that happen, the government has been trying to prove that Moussaoui’s timely cooperation could have prevented 9/11.
So they argue that, had Moussaoui honestly answered the questions put to him after his immigration arrest in August 2001, the FBI would have alerted the FAA, and stopped the hijackers.
But for the prosecution to win, the jury will have to discount OTHER testimony – testimony which indicates that FBI higher-ups were in full Ambien mode.
Earlier this week, FBI agent Harry Samit testified he had no doubt Moussaoui was involved in a hijacking plot, but couldn’t get his bosses to go for a search warrant – for fear it would have been denied, thereby harming their careers.
So in its attempt to get Moussaoui executed, the government is essentially arguing that it was HIS responsibility to wake up the FBI! 
Now, of course, honesty is a good thing. I’m sure that most of us, were we to be placed under FBI interrogation, would answer honestly. But a terrorist?
We’re expecting a guy like Moussaoui to say “OK you got me, I’m a member of al Qaeda and we’ll be using box-cutters to take over planes and fly them into buildings”? And then if they still weren’t listening, to grab the interrogators by the lapels and scream directly into their nostrils “I’m a TERRORIST you nincompoop!”
Seriously – is that the plan?
I hope that’s not the plan, because if that’s the plan, if that’s what stands between us and the next attack – I have three words:
“Got Duct Tape?”
Now this. 
Index 

CBS BUSHWAR5
Moved: 3/22/2006 12:00
Will she have to eat her words? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
By now you’ve all heard Helen Thomas’s scold the President over the Iraq War:
THOMAS:... “Every reason given... has turned out not to be true.”
But there is an effort underway to make Helen eat her words.
Saddam Hussein, you see, liked to record his meetings, recording which now sit in the huge beige-colored warehouses at CentCom headquarters in Qatar; recordings which President Bush has ordered translated and released ASAP.
On one tape, recorded in the mid-90’s, you hear Saddam saying (QUOTE) "Terrorism is coming. I told the Americans ... that in future there will be terrorism with weapons of mass destruction."
Then on another tape, recorded a few years later, Iraqi scientists are heard telling Saddam that Iraq has a uranium enrichment program totally unknown to US weapons inspectors.
Finally on a tape recorded a few days after 9/11, an informant is quoted as saying the U-S had proof that Osama and the Taliban were in contact with Iraq.
Now if Saddam TOLD U-S officials in the 1990’s that “Terrorism is coming,” and later talked of having a secret uranium program, and then after 9/11 mentions links to Osama... well, those are the kind of dots that connect themselves.
There IS some debate about the translation.
For example, on one tape Saddam says (QUOTE) “The factories will remain in our brains.” 
Does that reflect his determination to rebuild his weapons programs, or a somber acknowledgement that they no longer existed? Not sure.
But clearly, the President, in ordering the release of these records ... is hoping to unleash the most potent weapon he has at this point in the Iraq war. Irrefutable evidence that he was right after all.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS APOCALYP
Moved: 3/21/2006 12:02
The President unplugged. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
The President is now out there taking unfiltered questions from audiences who, unlike the Social Security audiences last year, do not appear to be on Ambien.
And it’s made for interesting television. You know – a news event that almost has the spontaneity of a reality show.
Today he was back at it in the White House Press Room. Making more frank admissions:
BUSH: “I hear it from our troops. I read the reports every night. But I believe, I believe the Iraqis that this is a moment where the Iraqis had a chance to fall apart, and they didn’t.”
In other words, it’s not good, but oh how much worse it could be.
We should look beyond the TV pictures – which after all are deliberated created by the enemy:
BUSH:... “They’re capable of killing innocent life so it ends up on your TV show.”
But it isn’t all serious – the President in fact seems to like this less controlled approach because he can let his hair down:
BUSH: “At least you’re paying attention. Elizabeth was half asleep.”
Poking fun at himself one moment
BUSH: “No hand gestures.”
Then hammering home the message that you have to look at the big picture.
BUSH:... “If I didn’t believe we could win I wouldn’t put our kids there.”
And there is some indication that Americans ARE looking at the big picture – in fact the picture doesn’t get any bigger than the question he got from the audience in Cleveland yesterday:
BUSH: Q: “Do you believe this that the war in Iraq and the rise of terrorism are signs of the apocalypse?” A: “The answer is, I hadn’t really thought about it that way.”
In fact he said it was the first he’d heard of it.
He then sprouted seven horns and seven eyes, and rode out of the room on a red horse.
No, no, of course not, but that would’ve been really funny. 
Index 

CBS DEBT/FILLINBLANKS
Moved: 3/17/2006 11:15
It’s time for another edition of Fill In The ...BLANKS. Yes! The feature where I comment on a news story that we’ve all heard so many times that even ordinary people like you can Fill In The ...BLANKS.
Allowing me to just ...PHONE IT IN.
Yes! It’s Friday!
Today’s issue: The National Debt. (DING)
The Senate has voted to raise the national debt by ....$781 BILLION DOLLARS.
Which brings the total outstanding federal debt close to ...NINE TRILLION DOLLARS.
That’s 30,000 dollars for every man, woman and ...CHILD.
Although in practical terms, it mostly affects ...THE CHILD.
Since when the time comes to pay it back, we baby boomers plan to be ...LIVING IN COSTA RICA. Right. Preferably in a remote village ...WITHOUT TELEPHONES.
Now, one big reason the government has to borrow so much money is ...THE WAR IN IRAQ, which we know is crucial to our ...NATIONAL SECURITY, but, as it turns out is not really worth ...PAYING FOR.
As for the source of the money, the Treasury has decided to go to ...A LOAN SHARK NAMED BENNY. No! Don’t be ridiculous! We’ll be borrowing it from trustworthy sources like ...CHINA.
Where you’re not going to find anyone ...NAMED BENNY.
As for repaying the debt, Congress will do it the way most Americans run their ...HOUSEHOLD BUDGETS, which means each month, they will pay the ...MINIMUM BALANCE, because that way, they get ...A FREE IPOD.
Which the President can use to listen to his ...JESSICA SIMPSON COLLECTION.
Right.
As for the size of the debt, Nine Trillion Dollars is so much money that if you had that many dollar bills, and you stacked them up, it would be ...AN IDIOTIC WASTE OF TIME. Yes. That’s why congress just ...WRITES A CHECK.
Which is roughly equivalent to ...PHONING IT IN.
You’ve done it again! 
Index 

CBS MARCHMAD
Moved: 3/16/2006 12:01
Hoops gone wild. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Here it is at last:
CBS REPORT: “offices are filling out brackets...” 
The one time of the year when the number one use of the internet is NOT pornography.
Yes there are many important stories today. The White House says our new biggest threat is IRAN, plus, big air strike in our old biggest threat, Iraq. But who cares? I need every fact I can get about Villanova coach Jay Wright.
ESPN: “...how much time do you put into your wardrobe?”
OK got that – now are there any intriguing matchups in the DC bracket, and don’t tell me McCain versus Hillary:
ESPN:...”Intriguing matchup in the DC bracket, Washington vs Utah state...”
OK got it! You know, I don’t why, if I guy like me can fill out brackets, the old people are having so much trouble with that Medicare drug plan – oops hang on, I’m picking up something:
ESPN:...”Upset alert – Winthrop over Tennessee...”
I KNEW it! You know there’s been criticism that all of this is going to kill American productivity – but that’s nonsense:
ESPN: “Call your boss... call your school ... tell ‘em you can’t make it.” 
See, “Killing Productivity” implies you’re actually going to show up at all.
I will say I do have sympathy for the people who rely on the internet to make a living. People trying to steal your identity with password scams, desperate Nigerian businessman, what are they gonna do? It’s sad. But personally I think my own productivity has never been higher...
...Although after watching ESPN all morning:
ESPN COMMERCIAL: “...forget all you know about lite beers...” 
I have a strange desire... a strange yearning...
ESPN COMMERCIAL: “...Budweiser...”
A strange need for a CRISP COLD LOW CALORIE LAGER!
ESPN COMMERCIAL: “This is BEER!”
Yeah... But it’s all worth it, because from time to time, there are those treasured moments of CANDOR:
ESPN:... “We’ve covered everything, there isn’t any more to say... but we’ll do more!”
So log on and drop out, and I’ll see you in a couple of weeks.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQWA10
Moved: 3/15/2006 16:13
What do the Brits know that we don't? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network, sponsored by Prilosec. Got to Prilosec OTC dot com for a special offer.
More US troops headed for Iraq - that's the news today. Not MANY more, only a few hundred, primarily because a Shiite holiday's coming, and you know Iraqis - they LOVE their Shiite holidays a little too much...
But still, it's addition, not subtraction.
General Abizaid pointed out that if the Iraqi parliament does its job, things WILL get better:
ABIZAID: "One of the most important things to happen is for an Iraqi government of Nation Unity to emerge here. That'll help."
That'll help. But HOW will it help... that's the frustrating part! Generals and public officials keep laying out all the good news - like yesterday when Secretary Rumsfeld described point by point how we have foiled the terrorist agenda:
RUMSFELD: They tried to stop the January Election and they failed. They tried to stop the October referendum and they failed. They tried to stop the December election and the terrorists failed."
See? Again and again the terrorists fail! PLUS - you have the guy who used to be the freakin' DICTATOR, Saddam Freakin' Hussein, sitting in a courtroom, making pathetic speeches about how he still runs Iraq, cut off by a no-name JUDGE! Judge cuts off Saddam Hussein -- a guy who once could've had you pureed for lookin' at him funny.
--- so you have all this, and it sounds like VICTORY to everybody -- except us!
It apparently sounds like victory to the British. While we send more troops, the British announced they're pulling out another ten percent so that by May, they'll be down to about 7,000 -- 17% of what they started with -- because the new Iraqi army is doing so well. 
Sometimes I wonder if we're occupying the same country. 
Index 

CBS SPACEWE2
Moved: 3/14/2006 12:57
Pentagon Eyeing Weapons in Space. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
Bodies in Baghdad, nukes in Iran; a nervous nation wonders – is there ANY good news on the national security front?
Well, you need look no further than this morning’s headline in the Boston Globe:
“Pentagon Eyeing Weapons In Space”.
Technology, my friends – technology will save us. The Globe reports that the Defense Department's 2007 budget includes: testing for a system that could shoot down satellites, a hypersonic missile launcher that could fire weapons while traveling at 15,000 miles per hour, and high powered anti-satellite lasers.
If al Qaeda ever perfects the orbiting car bomb, we’ll be ready.
Now, as you might expect, arms control groups find all this worrisome -- but they find EVERYTHING worrisome. And that will not prevent the Pentagon from pursuing our official policy – let me quote from the article here – our official policy of ''space dominance -- the notion that the US must command space to defend the nation.”
And you say, but Dave, al Qaeda’s got us tied up in Iraq with old artillery shells triggered by garage door openers.
You’re not getting it people – how many times does the mainstream media have to explain this to you: we fight them THERE so we don’t fight them HERE. 
Right now we’re fighting al Qaeda in Iraq, but think how much BETTER it would be to fight al Qaeda in SPACE! These weapons will attract al Qaeda insurgents AWAY from Iraq into low earth orbit. And the best part of that plan is that, being without space suits, most of them will very likely suffocate before they even get there.
Sweet.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQWAR
Moved: 3/14/2006 12:57
This calls for a speech. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
It was another rough weekend in Iraq, which can mean only one thing. We continue to win. And the President will be pointing that out in a series of speeches this week.
Although, any American who pays attention to the benchmarks we’ve set already KNOWS that we’re winning.
Saddam is being brought to justice by his own people. That proves Iraq has a functioning judiciary.
A freely-elected legislature is in place, so policy disputes can be settled peacefully.
As for the image of our troops, I still get forwarded e-mails -- listing how much electrical power has been restored, all the schools that have been built, all the hospitals that have been re-equipped...
It can only mean one thing: what may LOOK like uncontrolled violence is in fact proof that the insurgency is not just in its LAST throes, as the Vice President pointed out last year, but in it’s VERY FINAL last throes. 
These very final last throes simply show how desperate the terrorists have become. Indeed, the bigger the attacks, the more DESPERATE it proves they are.
As for the strategy of fighting the bad guys there so we don’t have to fight them here – that has succeeded beyond our wildest dreams. Iraq has become a terrorist mosh pit. There are now SO MANY, they’ve had to start blowing each other up.
Bottom line – now that Iraq has all the essential components in place, it’s only a matter of time before other countries start embracing the kind of changes only a democracy can provide.
In fact, based on the polls, indications are that around, oh, November, many AMERICANS may start embracing the kind of changes only a democracy can provide.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS FILL IN BLANKS
Moved: 3/14/2006 12:57
Fill in the Blanks. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Fill in the Blanks. The feature where I read a story that we’ve all heard so many times, that even ordinary people like you can fill in the ...BLANKS.
Today’s subject, Coffee.
There’s a new study out which demonstrates that drinking large amounts of coffee can ...KILL YOU FASTER THAN RAT POISON.
No, no, not quite that bad. However, the study does show that in people with a certain genetic profile, caffeine can accumulate over time until it finally ...KILLS YOU FASTER THAN RAT POISON.
Yes. But again, the scientists say that for people who don’t have this gene, coffee drinking is perfectly ...SAFE.
Right. The problem is, you have no way of knowing if that applies to ...YOU.
Since there is no way of knowing if you have the ...KILLER GENE. And therefore no way of knowing if your next espresso comes with a double shot ...OF DEATH!
Yes.
What we do know is that in a few days there will be a brand new study showing that coffee is in fact ...A VITAMIN, and is almost as good for you as ...CHOCOLATE TRUFFLES.
Leaving us to conclude without any doubt of any kind whatever that coffee is perfectly ...SAFE, unless ... IT’S NOT.
Right. Just as we’ve learned that that Global Warming ...IS REAL, unless ...IT ISN’T.
And that the Patriot Act will ...PROTECT CIVIL LIBERTIES, unless ...IT DOESN’T.
And that Iran is building a ...NUCLEAR BOMB, unless ...IT’S NOT.
And that most cowboys are ...STRAIGHT, unless ...IT GETS TOO COLD IN THE TENT.
And that Barry Bonds is probably ...STRAIGHT, unless ...THE HORMONES CHANGE THAT TOO. Yes!
All of which goes to prove that these days, if you find yourself lying awake at night, ...IT AIN’T JUST THE COFFEE. 
Index 

CBS OSCAR
Moved: 3/6/2006 16:55
The next Hollywood crusade. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
Sponsored by Prilosec, go to Prilosec O-T-C-dot-com for a special offer.
By now we all know the big surprise at the Oscars:
NICHOLSON: “Crash!”
A film that fearlessly probes race relations and America’s stubborn social divides. A classic return to Hollywood activism.
But there was another issue at the Oscars last night, one that I haven’t heard so much as mentioned this morning, and that is another social evil which Hollywood is clearly determined to stop before it spreads any further. It’s the scourge of the D-V-D:
GANIS:... on the DVD.”
Academy president Sid Ganis, warning the world of the insidious danger of the small screen:
GYLLENHAAL:... on a portable DVD.”
Jake Gyllenhaal, taking names:
GYLLENHAAL:... on the big screen.”
And we can ALL understand. I mean, I’m tired of my own work ending up on a microscopic ear bud deep in some jogger’s auditory canal. So you can imagine the frustrations of an Oscar-winning composer, who pours his heart into a lyric, and then hears it played back on some little Pez dispenser...
THREE 6 MAFIA:...for a PIMP.”
You sure don’t want to play this stuff on anything with the letters “V-D” in it.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS AVEMARIA
Moved: 3/3/2006 15:00
Ave Maria, revised. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
The founder of Domino’s Pizza has now revised his plans for a new town in Florida that would be governed strictly according to Catholic principles.
Thomas Monaghan has pledged $250 million dollars to underwrite the town of Ave Maria, to be built around Ave Maria University. And last year he told a Catholic men’s group that it would prohibit x-rated cabl;e channels, pornographic magazines, birth control pills, condoms, and of course, abortion.
The town’s central feature: an enormous church, flanked by a crucifix standing fully 65 feet high.
The ACLU immediately promised to take him to court over the prohibitions– because where there is no depravity, there can be no freedom! Or something like that.
Anyway, Monaghan has now backed away from his earlier promise, and told Good Morning America that his vision was more for the University than the town.
The town will be open to anyone, which frankly it would have to if it’s run according to Catholic teaching -- it would to be open especially to the poor and the homeless, but more than that, the sale of birth control won’t be prohibited, merely discouraged. And you could subscribe to any cable channel you want, but the town WOULD draw the line at adult bookstores and topless clubs.
So there it is, crisis over, the ACLU can stand down, there’s nothing to see here, go back to your homes.
Although actually... maybe the ACLU has a point. Where there is no vice, what is the meaning of virtue? If everyone has already been redeemed – you wouldn’t have much use for a 65 foot crucifix, now would you?
Now this. 
Index 

CBS BROKEBACK
Moved: 3/3/2006 15:00
It hasn’t even won the Oscar, and there are sequels already. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Well, it’s the movie you know everything about whether you’ve seen it or not... (PLUCKS) and already there are a flurry of sequels... in fact there are web sites devoted to nothing but trailers for sequels to Brokeback Mountain.
And most of these efforts are largely derivative – this one for example, The Empire Strikes Brokeback – take a look:
TAPE: ... trust your feelings...foolish.” CUT OFF
See, I don’t buy it – the relationships seem superficial, and probably have more to do with the oxygen being a little thin on certain planets
Anyway let’s move on here to a what I think is a hidden jewel in this genre called Brokeback to the Future. In this one a young Michael J. Fox realizes that some Journeys are longer than others:
TAPE: That you invented
Right away we see that this relationship has been thrust upon him, and he’s ... confused:
TAPE:... my uncle.”
And the performance has a depth that reminds you how versatile Fox could be early in his career:
TAPE:... go thru with it.”
Anyway, two thumbs up for Brokeback to the Future.
Less successful however, Top Gun 2, Brokeback Squadron:
TAPE:... great.”
Cruise is just not at his best here. Plus, they’re in separate planes traveling at Supersonic speeds. The whole premise is flawed.
Ah but finally, this one’s (*) for kids of all ages: 
TAPE: Hi Patrick
(INSERT) Spongebob Mountain, starring those beloved bottom-dwellers Spongebob and Patrick.
TAPE CONTINUES ... hut up here or what.”
And I have to say, there’s nothing square about Spongebob in this one:
TAPE.... we’re going home.
Secrets were kept. Lies were told. This is DR
Now this. 
Index 

CBS KATRIN4
Moved: 3/3/2006 15:00
Brownie’s revenge. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Sponsored by Prilosec. Go to Prilosec OTC dot com for a special offer.
Yesterday the Associated Press released a videotape which had gone missing – a tape of a conference call on August 28th, a day before Katrina hit, which includes picture of the president sitting at his Texas ranch, and hearing a warning about the storm surge:
MAX MAYFIELD:...of the lake.”
FEMA director Mike Brown reinforced the warning in the same meeting.
MIKE BROWN: ... a bad one and a big one.”
Making the President’s post-Katrina statements look like selective amnesia:
BUSH: I don’t think anybody anticipated the breach of the levees.”
The President is seen sitting through the entire briefing without asking a single question.
But wait a minute!

The New York times reports that in a tape recorded the FOLLOWING day, Brown says President was asking about reports the levees had been breached, at which point Governor Blanco speaks up and says that the levee had NOT been breached yet. In fact FEMA wouldn’t notify the White House until that night that the predicted catastrophe was in fact underway.
You also hear an emergency official praising FEMA, and you hear Mike Brown congratulating the governor on her “really good team,” which was “doing an excellent job.”
So where does this leave us? It leaves us with more videotape, but the same conclusion. Kinda like the Superbowl.
You know -- that’s the trouble with video tape... you can speed it up, you can slow it down ... but the one thing you’d really like to do is the one thing you can’t do... re-wind it. 
Index 

CBS VEGETAB1
Moved: 3/3/2006 15:00
Veggies gone mild. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
The figures are clear, and they’re there for all to see – data collected by the federal government shows that America’s vegetables are becoming shadows of their former selves.
Texas Biochemist Donald Davis, who has made a career out of studying the changing nutritional content of fruits and vegetables, is warning anyone who’ll listen about a dramatic decline over the past 50 years.
Of the 13 major nutrients in fruits and vegetables tracked by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, six have are noticeably down. They are protein, calcium, phosphorus, iron, vitamin C which -- was down 20%, and riboflavin -- which was down 38%.
That’s not good. I went to one of those health food sites -- one of the really scary ones? And according to vitamin gurus, insufficient riboflavin, can lead to: dermatitis, dizziness, hair loss, insomnia, light sensitivity, poor digestion, retarded growth, slow mental response -- AND burning feet.
And since there are no ingredient labels on your fresh produce, What are you supposed to do?
As for the culprit, Dr. Davis suspects it’s the breeding of faster-growing plants. The bring in more money but they grow so fast they don’t suck in many nutrients.
So here we are, following the official guidelines, forcing down 5 to 9 servings of fruits and vegetables every day, and it turns out we may have to eat 12 servings so our feet don’t burn? How annoying.
However, it’s not all bad – today’s carrots are bred to be more orange than before, which has happy side-effect of doubling their vitamin A content.
Which is good because that way ... you’ll get a good look at your burning feet. Now this. 
Index 

CBS BODE
Moved: 3/3/2006 15:00
Stand proud Bode, stand proud. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
He was billed as a phenom. The bad boy of downhill racing. But Bode Miller didn’t win a SINGLE medal at Torino and now everyone’s razzing him for it.
From now on, anyone who talks big, but can’t follow through will be said to have “Pulled a Bode.”
Like Dubai -- first buying those ports, now saying oh, we’ll put it off for 45 days. Nice way to “pull a Bode,” Dubai!
And yet, in my book, Bode is still a legend.
Remember – the Olympics is about role models for our youth.
Our youth are supposed to watch the inspiring stories of these athletes, and come away feeling... like INSPIRED youth.
Sasha Cohen hanging on through her long program despite falling. Shani Davis breaking the color barrier in speed skating, paving the way for a generation of young African-American males to shun dreams of basketball and strap on skates. And of course, Apolo Ohno, who has inspired a generation of teens with soul patches to shun dreams of becoming 50s-style beatniks and... strap on skates.
But can the average person REALLY relate to athletes like this? Is the average person really going to make the kind of commitment it takes to stand on that podium?
Heck no!
Bode Miller speaks for the rest of us – the people who have a God-given talent but who refuse to succumb to it.
-- People whose most vivid memory of school is the teacher looking at us and just shaking her head in despair.
He proves that you can screw up and still get endorsements. So you stand proud Bode, stand proud. Heck, just stand! THAT we can relate to.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS HILLARY5
Moved: 3/3/2006 15:00
She has the magic. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. Sponsored by Prilosec. Got to Prilosec O-T-C dot com for a special offer.
Rumors persist that Hillary Clinton will run for president, rumors spread primarily by Karl Rove, who according to Hillary, is fixated on her.
But a new study may explain why.
Her face has the magic.
A Stanford psychologist set up an on-line study for readers of the Washington Post to test the effect of facial features on voter preference.
And in particular, the effect of the facial features of one very well-known woman. Hillary Rodham Clinton.
The psychologist took the faces of two relatively unknown politicians, and using a computer, slowly added in some Hillary. The result was a series of pictures of non-existent hybrid faces, some with a 20% Hillary factor, some with a 40% Hillary factor. Not enough that you’d recognize it as Hillary, but enough to make a difference. The faces were accompanied by a phony bio.
And the findings were startling.
The more similar the face was to Hillary, the more votes the candidate got from the 2200 participants, even if they disagreed with the candidates views, even if the face was labeled REPUBLICAN, which is saying something since Post readers are heavily democratic.
In fact, the study found that Hillary’s features worked their magic even if the candidate was a MAN!
Hillary is facial gold. She is political botox.
By the way, the study also tested the effect of morphing faces to look more like other candidates, including Rudy Giuliani. And ... well let’s just say Rudy’s probably gone about as far as he’s going to go. Now this. 
Index 

CBS GLOBAL3
Moved: 3/3/2006 15:00
Oh, those oil prices. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
The thwarted attack on a Saudi oil refinery has caused oil prices to spike again. Of course, is there anything that WON'T cause oil prices to spike yet again.
And among other things, this will set off a new round of warnings from scientists about how we shouldn't be using so much oil anyway because of, say it with me: global - come on - GLOBAL WARMING!
Yes. We're all sick of hearing about it, because just about the time they have you convinced it's real, a blizzard hits and you can't find the Volvo.
But the reports persist - the latest being a report which says that greenhouse gases are being released into the atmosphere 30 times FASTER than during the previous episode of global warming 55 million years ago. And as we know, there are no survivors of that previous episode.
Although, don't you sometimes think that the reason there's so much greenhouse gas is all this hot air from scientists issuing warnings?
I detect severe warming fatigue out here among the real people. We REAL people, when we seek the reports of Greenland losing at least 200 cubic kilometers of ice a year, we say, tell us what is it in real units, not that metric garbage. Maybe then we'll know what to do.
Scientists keep saying sea level is going to be 25 meters higher. What does that mean? How do we know if that's bad? And frankly, even if it is bad, basically it means that if we live long enough, a lot of us will have beachfront, who could never afford it otherwise. And if not us, our kids will. In fact, if everybody listening starts taking one or two unnecessary car trips a day, we'll all have beachfront that much sooner.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS FILLINBLANKS
Moved: 2/23/2006 13:56
It’s time once again to Fill In The Blanks, the feature where I step aside, and invite ordinary Americans like you to express you opinion directly by filling in the ...BLANKS
Today’s Topic: Selling off big chunks of America.
The President is still taking heat over he decision to sell control of six American ports to ...DUBAI.
Critics of the deal says it’s a bad idea because Dubai was home to two of the ...9/11 HIJACKERS.
Not only that, but people who have traveled to Dubai also have discovered that it is full of ....FOREIGNERS.
And is likely to ...REMAIN SO.
These same critics say it appears that America is for sale to the ...HIGHEST BIDDER.
But as the administration might point out, that’s way better than selling to ...THE LOWEST BIDDER.
Critics also can’t believe that the President didn’t find out about this deal until he read about it ...IN THE NEWSPAPER.
But as the administration might point out, at least that means ...HE’S READING THEM NOW.
In any case, the President says he would never do anything that would undermine ...NATIONAL SECURITY, and that it’s ridiculous to imply that Dubai will actually ...OWN BIG CHUNKS OF AMERICA.
Because we would never sell Dubai ...BIG CHUNKS OF AMERICA. We prefer to sell them to ...CHINA. 
Right.
Plus, if we back out of this deal, it would send the wrong ...MESSAGE.
It would tell our allies that we ...DONT TRUST THEM.
And that could ruin our plans to ...SELL OTHER STUFF.
In fact, the US will soon have its very own page on ...EBAY?
Where you can get an excellent price on ...IRAQI REAL ESTATE.
You also have an hour and 57 minutes left to bid on ...FEMA.
You American people are incredibly cynical. 
Index 

CBS PORTS
Moved: 2/23/2006 13:56
Any port in a storm. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
It’s hard to believe, but for the first time, President George W. Bush, in the eyes of his own constituents, looks soft on national security.
He apparently failed to anticipate that Americans might not like the idea of selling control of six American ports to an Arab company.
Well, speaking as an American, I can tell you that if we’ve learned nothing else, we have learned to connect the dots. And this one was easy. Terrorists look like Arabs, terrorists want to sneak into our ports, ergo, Arabs should not be in charge of our ports. Period.
Surely the president remembers how he beat John Kerry in 2004. If not, I have a cut here from the vice president which may jog his memory:
CHENEY 2004:... we’ll get hit again.”
John Kerry spent the rest of his campaign picking out the birdshot from that one.
And now, in 2006, every politician knows that the quickest ticket back to private life is to be insufficiently paranoid.
We’re scared out here Mr. President. In fact, I may have something in the file that would explain why we’re so scared...
BUSH 2003...contained.”
Yeah that could be it, I don’t know. But there is a way out. We’re talking about a deal worth 6.8 billion dollars. 6.8 billion. That’s what it costs to run the Iraq War for five weeks. Bring the troops home five weeks sooner; the DEFENSE department can buy the dang ports.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS EPOCHTIMES
Moved: 2/17/2006 9:12
We’re not the only ones snooping on troublemakers. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
I know a lot of people are stressed out over whether government snooping has gone too far... but there may be more surveillance going on than we know – surveillance not by OUR government, but by outsiders.
I talked this week with Yuan Li, who works in Atlanta for a web site called the Epoch Times. It’s published in 14 languages, and specializes in uncensored news about Communist China. SO uncensored, that it’s been urging the Chinese people to renounce all ties with the Communist party. So far, 8 MILLION Chinese readers have signed the pledge on the web site.
Yuan Li says that on February 8th, a man appeared at his apartment in Atlanta saying he was there to deliver water. Before Yuan could explain that he hadn’t ordered any water, he told me, another man appeared and the two used a knife to force their way inside... where they first tried to smother him, then beat him, then taped his mouth and eyes shut, then tied him up while they rifled his file cabinet and took two laptops. One of them spoke Chinese.
And because of similar incidents against Epoch Times staff members within Mainland China, and threats to family members living in other countries, he thinks the attack in Atlanta was pulled off by agents of the Chinese government.
Now wouldn’t that tick you off, if some foreign country thought it could just send their thugs onto American soil to beat up people it doesn’t like?
Of course, the web site IS trying to take down the communist party, which very likely makes Yuan an enemy of the state in the eyes of Chinese officials. And we all know, when you’re an enemy of the state, living on foreign soil, governments feel free to do just about anything.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQWAR
Moved: 2/17/2006 9:12
Feeling safer. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Congress just got the latest request. $115 billion for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan this year.
Had the birdshot story gone on ONE MORE DAY it might have buried this item, but c’est la vie.
This will bring the total cost of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan to $400 billion, most of that for Iraq which is now up to 5.9 billion dollars a month. Or 197 million a day.
Which means that if the winner of tonight’s record Powerball jackpot took the cash payout option and gave it immediately to the defense department, it would pay for ...21 hours 38 minutes and 24 seconds of national security.
A big chunk of money, I know, but we all agree it’s worth it if it makes us safer.
And we MUST be safer, because to spend $400 billion dollars and NOT be safer would be too crazy to contemplate.
We will also spending $75 million dollars to promote Democracy in Iran, because once they’re able to hold free elections there, they’ll be free to elect leaders who love us.
Now, I don’t KNOW that for sure, but after getting $75 million dollars from us it would be pretty ungrateful of them if they didn’t.
The one possible oversight on the national security front is that there’s nothing in the budget to protect us from those melting icebergs in Greenland, but unless it turns out to be Osama with a blowtorch, don’t expect much there.
The hopeful sign is this: Frank Miller, writer of the Batman series, has a new graphic novel coming out called “Holy Terror Batman!” in which the caped crusader -- who has no super powers, remember -- QUOTE “kicks al qaeda’s ass!” 200 pages of national security; less than $30. 
Index 

CBS HUNTING4
Moved: 2/16/2006 18:12
I have found one last angle of this story to cover. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
The Vice-President’s interview has cleared the air, but this whole episode has done something more.
During this debate I heard a lot from hunters who talked about safety but who also revealed something else to me: that they, like Harry Whittington are... Living with Birdshot.
HUNTER: “I’ve been carrying around that birdshot for 56 years now.”
Indeed it turns out there are thousands of Americans living with birdshot. And not all of them were hit by politicians ... in one case it was a cousin who’d never run for anything, but no matter – the point is – even though they carry this secret,
HUNTER: “I’ve got four, five, six pellets still in...”
They laugh, they love, and they look just like us.
Except for their X-rays:
HUNTER: “Yeah, it does show up on X-ray.”
In fact, we all probably have at least one friend who is living with birdshot -- but you’d never know, because they don’t talk about it.
And sure you want to feel their pain – but to a man – and they WERE all men – they told me it wasn’t painful at all. There is of course that moment of surprise:
HUNTER: “Caught me in the face. Q: What did you look like? A: Hamburger.”
And they do report a stringing sensation. But with a little luck, you can live a completely normal life.
HUNTER: “Fortunately the shot missed my private parts.”
In fact, these hunters who are living with Birdshot may be the one special category of Americans who frankly don’t WANT our sympathy. They don’t ask for donations, they have no lobbying group, and there are no TV ads asking you to adopt them.
It’s their secret... known only to close family members, 
HUNTER: “Yeah it does show up on X-ray.”
...and of course, radiologists.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS HUNTING2
Moved: 2/14/2006 10:16
Fill in the Blanks! This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network, sponsored by Prilosec. Got to Prilosec OTC-dot-com for a special offer.
Yes, Fill in the Blanks, the feature that allows you, the ordinary listener, to fill in the ...BLANKS.
Today’s subject: Full Disclosure.
It’s now becoming clear that the news of the Vice President’s hunting accident was inexplicably ...DELAYED.
It took an hour and a half to inform ...THE PRESIDENT, it took 12 hours to inform ...SCOTT McCLELLAN, and of course nobody even thought to call ...FEMA. 
Which is why the vice president had to ...FILL HIS OWN SANDBAGS.
But the most serious delay, was the delay in informing... THE PRESS.
Right.
As we know, whenever a vice president shoots someone, the first thing his office should do is ...CALL REPORTERS, just like ...AARON BURR DID.
Right. 
In this case, the news was delayed for about ...TWENTY-ONE HOURS,
wasting precious time that could have been spent ...WRITING BETTER JOKES.
But the incident also taught us all an important lesson in ...PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. Indeed, Harry Whittington, the victim, has said the accident was actually his fault, because he ...RESEMBLES A SMALL GAME BIRD.
No!
Let’s try that again. He said it was actually his fault because he ...GOT IN THE WAY.
Yes.
Because as we all know, guns don’t injure people, it’s ...GETTING IN THE WAY OF A GUN... that injures people.
Right.
In fact, studies show that far fewer people would be shot if, in the moments before they were shot, they had just ...GOTTEN THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY.
In any case, it appears that Mr. Whittington has ...LEARNED HIS LESSON.
And if not, he’ll be reminded of it every time he ... SETS OFF A METAL DETECTOR.
Very good. 
Index 

CBS HUNTING
Moved: 2/13/2006 11:57
Men with guns. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
The Vice President’s hunting buddy, Harry Whittington, is in stable condition after that accidental peppering from the vice president’s shotgun over the weekend.
As you’ve heard Mr. Whittington was looking for a bird in the tall grass, when a second covey of quail suddenly flushed and Mr. Cheney took a shot, not realizing Mr. Whittington had wandered into the line of fire.
Ouch.
But just flesh wounds; in fact to quote the hospital spokesman, Mr. Whittington is not simply stable, he is VERY stable. Which tells me he may in fact be BETTER off now than before he was shot.
So, probably no investigation necessary; Mr. Whittington, as we’ve heard, failed to announce that he had wandered into the line of fire... because apparently it was his responsibility to know where the vice President might be shooting. Except that – well, I checked NRA Rule number one for gun handling, and it says, quote: “...be aware of the area beyond your target. This means observing your prospective area of fire before you shoot. Never fire in a direction in which there are people or any other potential for mishap. Think first. Shoot second.”
This, I’m afraid, does not appear to leave any room for the excuse that someone “wandered into the field of fire” and...

Wait a minute. OK, hang on a second. I’m being told that according to an opinion from the Attorney General, the phrase “Think First, Shoot Second” doesn’t apply here. For the reason that... just a moment... 
I’m being told there doesn’t have to be a reason, and... what’s that? And that my time is up.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS CARTOON4
Moved: 2/10/2006 10:39
More toon rage. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
According to the Taleban in Afghanistan, at least 100 recruits have volunteered to become suicide bombers over those anti-Muslim cartoons. In fact one of the Taleban’s senior military commanders even promised 100 kilograms of gold for the murder of anyone responsible. Hey I thought we controlled Afghanistan! How can the Taleban be holding press conferences? 
Oh well... Meantime, the European Union is talking about a voluntary code of conduct, to show the Muslim world that Europeans can learn to be more sensitive.
Prompting many pundits to conclude that Europe once again, has demonstrated it has no spine. That it’s unwilling to stand up for a free press, the way we would here in America. 
And yet, looking back at the days following 9-11... Remember when Bill Maher said it was wrong to call the hijackers cowards – when he said that WE were the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away?
Was the reaction, “no big deal, let it pass?” No, he got fired. 
That wasn’t the only time mere words got someone into trouble here in the land of the free. A columnist who wrote that President Bush went into "hiding in a Nebraska hole" after the attacks was fired, a columnist in Texas who wrote a piece titled "Bush has failed to lead US" was fired, a University of New Mexico professor who joked "Anyone who can bomb the Pentagon has my vote," was disciplined for violating university policy, etc...
So we have our taboos. We just don’t have the extremists willing to riot over them. As long as you don’t count the 1992 Rodney King verdicts. Or the 1999 WTO meetings.
Now this. 
Index 

KIRO SONICS
Moved: 2/9/2006 16:23
(KIRO only)
There will be a hearing today on a subsidy for a new Sonics arena, and the betting seems to be that the legislature will approve extending the hotel/motel tax, rental car tax, the restaurant tax, and a couple of other taxes long enough to pay for it.
And you may ask yourself, why, when the taxpayers of this state are feeling so ornery, would the legislature even consider subsidizing a sport where the average player salary is $4 million dollars.
I’ll tell you why. Because these taxes aren’t like school taxes, or gas taxes. They’re invisible.
Who notices the hotel tax? Who notices the rental car tax? Visitors. People who can’t vote here. 
People on expense accounts. 
In others words – it’s free money. It’s like having a printing press.
Of course, we end up paying similar taxes when WE travel to other cities, but we’re on expense accounts too. So everybody wins.
People may be against the ‘concept” of subsidizing sports, but if the cost is invisible -- why not give it to ‘em.
Could I propose something. How about a swap. Since no one complains about the invisible taxes, instead of using them for things like sports facilities, why don’t we use the INVISIBLE taxes for the stuff the government is actually SUPPOSED to do, like roads; maybe schools, and pay for the next sports facility using... oh, how about the property tax?
But Dave, we HATE the property tax. I know, I know – but if the economic benefits are as dramatic as we’re told – we’d would easily make the money back and then some. 
This is DR 
Index 

CBS EAVESDR3
Moved: 2/9/2006 16:23
If you’ve done nothing wrong, you have nothing to fear. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
There’s a general acceptance that in time of war, you do whatever it takes to catch the bad guys, and if that requires eavesdropping without a warrant, no big deal. And we accept that there may be some collateral wiretapping of innocent people. We tell ourselves, “I’ve done nothing wrong, so I have nothing to worry about.”
Because by now it’s clear we’re not talking about a guy with alligator clips on a phone pole – the reason they don’t get court permission is that these taps are being set up by computers, and set up faster than even the most compliant judges could approve.
As to what happens next, the attorney general dropped a little hint this week. 
GONZALEZ: These calls, are solely international calls; we have these career professionals who are experts in al Qaeda tactics, they are the best at what they do, and they are the ones that make a judgment ... ”
Who are these experts? We don’t know – only that, whoever they are, you wouldn’t want them fingering you. Because, in addition to ordering wiretaps, the government now has the power to seize anyone deemed sufficiently suspicious.
Again, most of us have nothing to fear, because we’ve done nothing wrong. 
Just one nagging question. Who gets to determine the definition of “wrong?”
GONZALEZ: “We have these career professionals...”
You see, it’s not whether YOU think you’ve done nothing wrong, but whether THEY think you’ve done nothing wrong.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS TRASHTALK
Moved: 2/2/2006 16:41
Finally – some trash talk. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Sponsored by Prilosec. Go to Prilosec OTC-dot-com for a special offer.
Here it is 3 days from the Superbowl, and you’d think Detroit was hosting a Boy Scout Retreat. Except maybe for the gals promoting the pay-per-view Lingerie Bowl.
But otherwise, it’s been like waiting for a cricket match. UNTIL yesterday... when there was finally some Trash Talk.
Big headline in the Seattle paper. Seahawk tight-end Jerramy Stevens, asked to comment about sentimental Steelers favorite and Detroit native Jerome Bettis, said (QUOTE) “It’s a great story that he’s coming back home, but he’s going to be sad when he leaves without a trophy.”
(TCHIAKOVSKY)
And that was too much for Steelers linebacker Joey Porter, who said he didn’t think Stevens was capable of such a comment. That he was (QUOTE) “too soft” to say something like that.
(JANACEK)
Oh, but Porter didn’t stop there. “I just tasted blood,” he went on, “You crave it, because you haven’t tasted it for awhile, but now I’m thirsty for it.”
(SCOTTY)
-- To which Stevens says – get this – “We’re not here to roll over for anybody.” (UNQUOTE)
--That in response to Porter’s warning that Stevens would be spending most of Sunday afternoon ON HIS BACK.
(DARTH VADER)
Oh Yeah!
At which point Stevens called him an “artless bat-fowling apple-john”
Prompting Porter to call Stevens a “churlish clapper-clawed clotpole.”
At which point Stevens called Porter a mewling swag-bellied malt-worm
(THUNDER)
All right, all right, so, I made that part up. Report me to Oprah.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS BUSHSOU
Moved: 2/1/2006 14:04
Americans are finally on the same page. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
AUDIENCE (CHEERS)
Just about every top member of the government attends the State of the Union Address, so when they all stand and cheer, that’s like an INSTANT “YES” vote. That means everybody’s on the same page.
So I’ve collected the statements that drew standing ovations from BOTH sides of the aisle, because that tells us what we as a nation agree on.
And friends, this is going to be a helluva year. First of all, Iran’s nukes are toast:
BUSH: “The nations of the world must lot permit the Iranian regime to gain nuclear weapons.” (WILD APPLAUSE)
Standing ovation.
And we all like immigrants.
BUSH: “This economy could not function without them.” (SEMI-WILD APPLAUSE)
Well, kind of...
But listen to this: in a few years, we will no longer need the Middle East:
BUSH: “This country can dramatically improve our environment, move beyond a petroleum-based economy, and make our dependence on Middle Eastern oil a thing of the past (WILD-APPLAUSE)
It’s unanimous. Saudi Arabia, the gravy train is over.
And as for health care --
BUSH: “Keeping America competitive requires affordable health care.” (ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE)
We are getting affordable health care, people! But... what REALLY brought the house down was the bi-partisan commission to fix social security:
BUSH: “We need to put aside partisan politics and work together and get this problem solved.” (UNBELIEVABLE APPLAUSE)
Standing ovation. BOTH sides of the aisle. My friends, we are going to put politics aside... and finally confront the Social Security problem... with the best damn commission the free world has ever seen!
Now this. 
Index 

CBS EXXON
Moved: 1/31/2006 18:44
Hey – we found out where all the gas money goes! This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
The oil industry’s profit figures are in for 2005 and they’re good news, especially for Exxon Mobil:
SLOCUM: ... all the records.”
Tyson Slocum is the energy watchdog at Public Citizen; he reads Exxon’s own financial statements, which show that anyone who doesn’t own Exxon stock is an idiot:
SLOCUM: ...24% globally.”
Not only is Exxon is larger than the economy of Saudi Arabia – by next year, it could even pass WAL MART! Now you know where your gas money ends up. Pretty much in the bank account of an oil company.
Prompting the question, is this GOOD or EVIL?
Is big oil WITH us or AGAINST us?
Well, being a watchdog, Mr. Slocum thinks they’re pretty much against us. He accuses the industry of deliberately holding back fuel:
SLOCUM:... how weak our anti trust laws are.”
PLUS -- he wants a Windfall profits tax -- to pay for things like mass transit and more efficient cars.
I dunno. Seems to me with gas stuck at 2.34 a gallon, that ought to be enough right there to get people to buy more efficient cars.
Just ask a Detroit autoworker. If you can find one. Now this. 
Index 

CBS HAMAS2
Moved: 1/31/2006 18:44
Hamas nurtures Democracy. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
Hamas won the election in the Palestinian territories fair and square last week, creating what Hamas Leader Ismail Haniyeh said, through a translator, was an oasis of democracy.
HANIYEH: “We are proud of our Palestinian people who after such a civilized performance, can truly claim the title of ‘oasis of democracy’ in the region at large.”
But that is apparently not enough. Now European officials are calling on Hamas to renounce violence and recognize Israel.
Let’s see – in his acceptance speech last week, did Mr Haniyeh sound like he was renouncing violence?
HANIYEH: “On a day like today we would be remiss not to thank our fallen martyrs, the blood of whom imbued our blessed soil.”
Hmm. That sounds like a “no.”
Well, how about recognizing Israel?
HANIYEH: “Our gratitude goes to those who were wounded during the Intifada and in the battlefield during our fight against the Zionist enemy.”
OK, that also sounds like a no.
However, I did detect one encouraging sign. It’s pretty clear that once Hamas IS ready to talk it will be a local call:
HANIYEH: “The Palestinian people is entitled to a sovereign state with its capital Jerusalem.”
There you go!
HANIYEH: “Hamas just like the rest of the Palestinian country is not calling for the impossible.”
No. Just the inconceivable.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS RAIBLE
Moved: 1/31/2006 18:44
thought I’d kick off Superbowl week with another Seahawks song – and actually, this is a hymn to the man without whom there would be no Superbowl broadcast.
I asked very talented singer, Laura Benofsky, to help me out with this one – Laura?
Stevie Raible [3X]
You’re the voice of my dreams!
Stevie Raible, how I love him
Though I barely understand the game
He makes everybody else seem so pathetic and lame
Stevie Raible how I want him
Calling every single Seahawks play
And to call them loud enough... to scare the Steelers away
Other fellas, they are just not my type
They try to get my ear 
But they’re much too hard to hear
Other fellas, they just don’t have the pipes
But when my Stevie shouts, there isn’t any doubt
Stevie Raible, I can hear you 
-- And when a touchdown comes, I know
I’ll hear every single word without a ra-a-dio!
Other fellas ... when they call third and nine
I really must confess
It might as well be chess
But my Stevie, oh his voice is so fine! 
I hear the crowd erupt
Then my radio blows up
(With) Stevie Raible, I’ll be listening
I can hardly wait to hear you speak!
And the doctor says my hearing should return in a week!
[TOUCHDOWN SEAHAWKS!] Stevey Raible... 
[TOUCHDOWN SEAHAWKS!] Stevey Raible...
[TOUCHDOWN SEAHAWKS!]
You’re the voice of my dreams! 
Index 

CBS KATRIN35
Moved: 1/26/2006 16:53
Now you can’t even talk about the weather. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
Congress has two committees investigating the federal response to hurricane Katrina, but they’re having a little trouble getting witnesses.
The White House has put Chief of Staff Andrew Card, plus his deputy – and the Domestic Security adviser and HER deputy -- off-limits, along with the e-mails of White House staff members. Furthermore, former FEMA director Mike Brown said even HE couldn’t talk -- couldn’t say what he told the President, or the Vice President, or any other senior White House official.
Democrats are harping on this as you’d expect, but even Republican Susan Collins of Maine was torqued off. Committee members figure it would be nice to know exactly what went wrong during the LAST hurricane season before we have to face the NEXT one, which nature has inconveniently scheduled for June.
And yet the secrecy in Washington has literally gotten to the point where you can’t even talk about the weather anymore. At least publicly.
Well, frankly it shouldn’t be that difficult to flush out the necessary info. Look -- anything that can wipe entire cities off the map is clearly a matter of national security – and as we now know, when it comes to national security, the government has a variety of what we like to call “tools” to get whatever information it needs.
When you suspect a national security threat but you don’t quite have the proof you need. You order a warrantless search.
No excuses, Congress. In matters of national security, you assert whatever powers you need to get the job done. Quit your whining. Hack into the White House e-mail system and just TAKE the dang e-mails! Secretly, of course. You can always issue a memo later explaining why it’s legal.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS SEAHAWKS
Moved: 1/23/2006 11:12
Victory comes to geek-town. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network, coming to you from Seattle, home of the NFC champion Seahawks. 
Man, who thought we’d ever see this day?
It affected even NON-fans. Believe it or not, according to my sources at the Seattle Opera house, ushers were using HAND SIGNALS to update the score during the matinee performance of Die Fledermaus.
So yes, the Seattle Seahawks are going to the Superbowl, and the reason is clear: 
They essentially double-teamed Panthers wide receiver Steve Smith (CROWD NOISE) using Kevin Bentley and Marcus Trufant, and then as a fail-safe, they ALSO assigned the backfield to focus on Smith just in case he lined up with a bunch of decoys, PLUS the Panthers lost running back Nick Goings early in the game, and – oh yeah – THEY COULDN’T HEAR SQUAT!

I thought Panthers quarterback Jake Delhomme was supposed to thrive on fan noise. Instead he looked like a CNN reporter trying to hang on to a mailbox during Katrina.
The fan noise was actually louder than the FOX promos.
And yet -- despite the massive release of repressed longing, the biggest arrest in Pioneer Square was for selling counterfeit tickets. Thank GOD the cops weren’t around when I joined the conga line in the cul-de-sac and started setting off champagne poppers.
Because this is what it’s all about. This is why we tore down the Kingdome before it was paid for – to prove that even the geeky Northwest knows something about intimidation!
--WHY the heck is the dang Superbowl in Detroit? How are we gonna bus 67,000 people to Detroit?
Now this. 
Index 

CBS EAVESDR2
Moved: 1/20/2006 10:31
Spreading Democracy. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
The vice president says there is nothing illegal about the President’s domestic surveillance program. Even in those cases when it’s done without a warrant, it’s won’t affect the civil liberties of any law-abiding citizen. And the justice department has issued a new 42 page brief to back him up.
Many civil libertarians don’t agree; they think this is an egregious violation of the constitution, and the terrorists threat is no excuse to tamper with the Constitution.
But perhaps civil libertarians should to try to look on the bright side of these fundamental constitutional issues once in a while.
And they'll say, Dave, how can there be a bright side when you have a President making up his own rules?
Well because I can see where this might actually help us to reach the goal that we all seek, that being spreading democracy to middle eastern countries that have so far been hesitant to adopt it.
A lot of those middle eastern potentates would be perfectly wiling to take up democracy, except for one thing -- their fear that a constitution would limit their powers.
Well... this whole eavesdropping incident PROVES that you can be a democracy, just like we are, and STILL run the security apparatus EXACTLY the way you want.
All you have to do is say you're protecting the country, come up with a few plausible legal briefs, make sure that one party is in control of the both the legislative and executive branches, and no matter what your constitution says - you're fine.
There'll be some fiddle faddling, debates, hearings and all that, but as long as you have at least one channel that carries American Idol no one will watch the other stuff.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS OSAMA2
Moved: 1/19/2006 11:42
Osama speaks, we broadcast. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
Does Osama have any real news for us. Here’s what he says about Iraq:
TRANSLATOR: “Iraq has become a magnet for attracting and training talented fighters.”
Iraq has become a magnet for talented fighters. Well, thanks for the info, but we heard that 11 months ago from Porter Goss, director of the CIA:
GOSS (2/16/05): “Islamic extremists are exploiting the Iraqi conflict to recruit new anti-Iraqi jihadists. Those who survive will leave Iraq experienced and focused on acts of urban terrorism.”
Osama also refers to the recent attacks in Europe and says:
TRANSLATOR: “As for similar operations taking place in America, it is only a matter of time. They are in the planning stages, and you will see them in the heart of your land, as soon as the planning is complete.”
Again, Porter Goss scooped you by 11 months.
GOSS: “It may be only a matter of time before Al Qaeda or some other group attempts to use chemical biological radiological or nuclear weapons.”
Ah, but the tape also included something else. A peace offer. That if we leave Iraq and Afghanistan, the attacks will stop.
And that tells us something. It shows that he’s watching he news, and it tells us that if a pullout is TRULY what bin Laden wants, he’s an idiot.
With an election coming, the Bush Administration would CLEARLY like to get out of Iraq. But the key to getting out is being able to claim that we’re getting out because THE JOB has been done. NOT because we were threatened.
So Osama comes out and offers a truce, which means that NOW, no matter what we say, if we start to withdraw, it looks like we’re scared.
If Osama really wanted us out. He’d just shut the heck up.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS LOBBYIST
Moved: 1/18/2006 14:26
Free lunch R-I-P. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
House speaker Dennis Hastert has seen enough. With two lobbyists pleading guilty to corruption, and one lawmaker admitting to bribes, he has to do something.
So he’s proposing tougher rules on lobbying. And this time it’s serious. Not like 1995, the last time they fixed the rules. THESE rules would be tough: No free trips paid for by outside groups. No more free tickets. And no more fancy lunches.
In fact, under one plan, the maximum lunch tab a lobbyist could pick up would be $20. 
But there are already objections. Some members point out that banning travel could deprive them of crucial educational opportunities; and you gotta admit travel broadens the mind. Those fact finding trips between the 18th hole and the clubhouse – I’ve actually seen peoples’ skulls visibly expand.
And as for the $20 lunch – I mean, $20 won’t even buy you the cassoulet at La Colline – which happens the be 27.50, and is considered quite a good deal at that.
Oh, sure, you CAN eat cheaper -- Bullfeathers on First Street SE has the half-price burgers and $2 beers on Mondays – but this is the United States of America, dammit. To see the future of the free world decided over a half price burger at Bullfeathers? It’s unseemly.
Plus... no member of Congress really wants to have his ear bent for an hour by a lobbyists making five times what he does, and if he can’t even get a free lunch out of it, to say nothing of a campaign contribution, why would he want to meet with the guy at all? I mean, these rules would make a meeting with a lobbyist no more attractive than a meeting with -- an ordinary voter! And there is just something so wrong about that. Now this. 
Index 

CBS NAGIN
Moved: 1/17/2006 10:46
The spies are everywhere. On the CBS Radio Network.
Is the president going too far with those wiretaps against suspected terrorists? Attorney General Gonzales says no, he is only doing what Bill Clinton and every other president is authorized to do in time of war.
It’s a big deal among civil libertarians, but frankly, it’s hard to get worried about the President tapping a few phones when someone with far greater powers than he, has ALSO been eavesdropping on us:
RAY NAGIN: “Surely God is mad at America.”
New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin telling an audience yesterday that Hurricanes Katrina, and Rita, and other storms were an indication that the Big Guy himself has been listening in too:
NAGIN: “He’s sending hurricane after hurricane after hurricane”
It’s partly because the Lord has heard what’s going on in Iraq...”
NAGIN: “But surely he is upset at black America also.”
Yes – the mayor indicated God sent the storms to punish black people for black on black crime, and for blaming their own failures on racism.
It’s confusing, because televangelist Pat Robertson, another authority on God’s use of the weather for emphasis, ALSO indicated God might have sent Katrina to punish New Orleans, except that HE said it was because of the depravity in the French Quarter, not black on black crime.
Whom to believe.
Well, since the French Quarter was largely spared, I think we go with Nagin on this one. In any case, this is a good time to lay low. You just can't get away with anything any more -- because someone may be eavesdropping. Whether it's the government, or the Almighty Himself. Now this. 
Index 

CBS NIGER
Moved: 1/17/2006 10:46
Dancing in the dark. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network, Sponsored by Prilosec. Go to Prilosec O-T-C-dot-com for a special offer.
I’m just back from three weeks in the West African country of Niger ... not to add to my supply of yellow cake uranium – I have all I need – but because my oldest daughter Emilie is a Peace Corps volunteer there.
She’s living in the world’s poorest country, average income $200 a year. And Niamey, the capital, is stereotypical third-world: kids who tap on the taxi window demanding a coin; shabby buildings and amazing amounts of trash which people pile up and burn right there. 
But that was only part of what we found.
Emilie’s village is called Tanka, 70 miles from the capital: 2000 people living in straw huts and clay houses surrounded by thorn trees, millet fields, and endless sand.
Her job is to live as the villagers do; show them what Americans are like, and maybe teach something along the way. So, she lives in a clay hut with a straw roof, no electricity, no running water, where it can hit 100 degrees on a January day.
But that’s not what kept me awake at night. What kept ME awake at night was the CHATTER. Not just the sheep and the donkeys, but all these... voices. (*) I asked her to take me outside late one night to see what it was. And it was adults, teenagers, and children strolling the highway in the moonlight, talking, and playing and dancing.
(SOUND)
With no phones and no TV, and no alcohol, and no drugs, that’s pretty much all there is to do in the evening in the African bush. And it makes you wonder, who needs to learn from whom?
Now this. 
Index 

CBS NEONJESUS
Moved: 12/20/2005 17:08
NEONJESU.CBS 12/20/05 8:52 AM-DLR 1:08

You can fight back ... This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

Yeah, some folks may be trying to de-"Christ" Christmas. But this is still 
America, where a man's home is his castle, and a man's yard is his moat, (*) 
and you can fight back. Let's do this boys:

Oh, they tried to ban my Christmas; they said it wasn't right

That anyone should celebrate this festival of light --

Then I saw it at the Wal Mart, on aisle twenty twooooo

Some yard décor worth fightin' for, and I knew what I must do.

Now there's a...

Giant neon Jesus on my lawn

With a halo that makes Saturn's Ring look small

And all the neighbor's lights dim when I flip that baby on,

The giant neon Jesus on my lawn!

See, some folk got their reindeer and their Santa Claus and such

But if you run on down to my house, you won't see that stuff so much

You run on down to my house, and you'll feel the warm embrace

Of an enormous baby Jesus you can see from outer space.

They may TRY to censor Christmas

But nobody will miss THIS...

It's the giant neon Jesus on my lawn

The cars back up for miles when it comes on

You can wish me happy Hanukkah or Merry Ramadan,

But you really gotta see this,

It'll be there til hell freezes

The giant flashing neon Jesus On - My - Lawn!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BUSHIRA4
Moved: 12/19/2005 11:33
BUSHIRA4.CBS 12/19/05 9:11 AM-DLR 1:12 
(Used on KIRO)
Beyond victory. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
The President gave another oval office speech last night – first since the night in 2003 he announced that the bombs were falling on Baghdad:
In that speech 2 ½ yrs ago the reason for the war was clear:
BUSH:...weapons of mass murder.”
Today, that regime is gone. Saddam is reduced to complaining that his guards won’t let him smoke. And we now know that the weapons weren’t there.
So by the terms laid out in 2003, you COULD argue that we have indeed accomplished the mission, because we weren’t in this to conquer and hold territory:
BUSH:... to its own people.”
With the successful last week, you could argue we’ve done that.
So why last night was the president talking about the need for further sacrifice, and patience, and to resist defeatism.
Because we’re in this -- not just for a military victory, but something more than that. We’re in this for a Happy Ending.
He even concluded last night’s speech with the words of a Christmas Carol:
BUSH:...Good Will to men.”
It’s not enough that the last chapter of the story is that we won the war and removed a brutal tyrant and gave Iraq a chance for democracy; the last chapter has to read that we removed a brutal tyrant, gave Iraq a chance for democracy “and they all lived happily ever after.” 
Index 

CBS BUSHIRA
Moved: 12/19/2005 11:33
BUISHIRA.CBS 12/19/05 9:09 AM-DLR 1:35 
(From Bush 7:30 am news conference, used on CBS, not KIRO)
Loose lips. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
BUSH: “The fact that were discussing this program is helping the enemy.”
The president made it clear during today’s news conference that not only will the National Security Agency not stop eavesdropping on Americans who place suspicious calls overseas -- but he wants to know who leaked that story:
BUSH: “Were at war and we must protect America’s secrets. And so the justice department I presume will proceed forward with a full investigation.”
Reporters pointed out that the controversy is not over the eavesdropping but, whether it’s legal to do it without a warrant... especially when the secret court that grants those warrants has granted all but FIVE since 1979. But he president did not back down:
BUSH: “Uh, there was two killers in San Diego making phone calls prior to the September the 11th attacks. Had this program been in place then, it is more likely we would have been able to catch them.”
In other words, to criticize this program is to invite another 911. And in fact, by refusing to approve the Patriot act this Week, the Senate, said the president, did just that:
BUSH: “It is inexcusable for the US Senate to let this patriot act expire!”
Inexcusable:
BUSH: “It is inexcusable to say on the one hand connect the dots, and not give us a chance to do so. We are connecting the dots, or trying to, with the NSA program.”
He said several times that the debate is healthy. But he left the clear impression that it’s time for that debate to end. And as for those who worry that the President’s power has become unchecked:
BUSH: To say unchecked power is ascribing some sort of dictatorial power to the President which I strongly reject.”
Now this. 
Index 

CBS EAVESDROP
Moved: 12/16/2005 11:21
The Constitution gets bent. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
The fourth amendment protects “the right of the people” to be secure against unreasonable searches.” That means the government needs a court-issued warrant before it can snoop on you.
EXCEPT, as we learned today, when the President decides it doesn’t. 
Today the New York Times reports President Bush signed a secret order three years ago so that at any given time, the National Security Agency is now tapping, WITHOUT warrants, the international messages of about 500 people in the US -- in order to catch terrorists.
It’s how we caught the guy who planned to use blowtorches to cut the cables supporting the Brooklyn Bridge. The NSA picked up the messages he was sending to his handlers in Afghanistan.
HOWEVER, some people even within the National Security Agency told the Times they’re not convinced this is legal. And of course it’s coming out now because the Patriot Act is up for a vote, and Congress is debating how far to bend the Constitution in the war on terror.
But is there really anything to debate? I’m guessing most Americans don’t place regular phone calls to Afghanistan, and don’t have a problem with the idea of snooping on those who do. I’m betting that if it means catching a terrorist, most Americans are perfectly willing to see the Constitution get bent.
And so we might as well face the truth. In a crisis, it isn’t the Constitution that stops the government from going too far; it’s the people you elect to enforce it. That’s why we take voting so seriously. Well, those of us who show up, anyway.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQVOTE3
Moved: 12/15/2005 10:58
The news is very good... This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
The President has made a series of speeches pointing to the progress in Iraq, and there was a lot of it today. The election attracted a record turnout; there were reports of the dancing in the streets foretold so long ago, and in the Sunni town of Ramadi, turnout was so strong polling places ran out of ballots.
Not that it was completely quiet. This IS Iraq after all:
NIC ROBERTSON: “(BANG) That was one of the first big explosions in this city....”
But the casualty count was low, and fire and brimstone promised by al Qaeda was nowhere to be found. 
And what was the US approach to security? Col. John Gronsky said that in Ramadi, the approach was to let the locals do it:
GRONSKY: “Some of the sheikhs of the tribes will keep an eye out; it’s almost like a neighborhood watch”
And where were US and Iraqi forces? CBS’s Cami McCormack said their strategy was to stay out of sight:
McCORMACK: “Most attacks here are aimed at coalition and Iraqi security forces, so they will keep out of sight but will provide a quick reaction force should trouble occur.”
Interesting. To discourage the violence everyone was warning us about, we pulled our troops BACK:
Does that ring a bell?
MURTHA (11/17/05): “We’re the targets. We’re uniting the enemy against us!”
Congressman John Murtha. Whose remarks seemed controversial once upon a time. And yet that became one of the strategies to keep peace in these elections – remove the target. And it worked. In fact I believe it’s one of the three official measures of victory:
BUSH (11/30/05): “Victory will come when the terrorists and Saddamists can no longer threaten Iraq’s democracy.” (DING)
Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQVOTE2
Moved: 12/14/2005 12:15
To the polls. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
The main voting is about to begin in Iraq. And there are positive signs. Sunni clerics urging all Sunnis to vote this time – and a senior commander of the insurgency saying that even HIS people plan to vote:
INSURGENT: “As a resistance, we hope to participate in this political process.”
The translated words of an insurgent who once served in Saddam’s army – talking with reporter Michael Ware on the CBS Evening News. Face covered, of course. Encouraging words. Except, Mr. Insurgent didn’t stop there:
INSURGENT: “The resistance will finish when the occupation is finished. After that, the weapons will be dropped.”
“The resistance will finish when the occupation is finished.” Now, when you see an incognito interview like this, who knows what you’re getting. But IF Mr. Insurgent is telling the truth, it means we’re locked in the old chicken and egg dance: Insurgents saying we’ll stop when you leave, and our side saying we’ll leave when you stop:
SCOTT McCLELLAN: “The president’s focused on winning. That’s what the American people want.”
Mr. Insurgent says, you want peace, you must withdraw. Our side says:
SCOTT McCLELLAN: “Withdrawing is a strategy for defeat it’s a strategy for retreating in the war on terrorism.”
Mr. Insurgent says if you stay, Iraq will simply spawn more Saddams:
INSURGENT: “The country who gave birth to him will give birth to others like him. Hundreds of thousands.”
Our side says if we don’t stay... Mr. Insurgent will be on our doorstep:
McCLELLAN: “We are fighting the terrorists there in Iraq so we don’t have to fight ‘em here.”
Now, one side probably has it wrong. But to find out which, somebody has to have the courage to make the first move.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS TOOKIE
Moved: 12/13/2005 13:41
California closes the book on Tookie Williams. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Sponsored by Prilosec. Got to Prilosec OTC-dot-com for a special offer.
26 years after killing four people, the story of Stanley Tookie Williams, who co founded the Crips street gang, and then tried to find redemption by writing anti-gang childrens’ books came to an end...
BECHNEL: “We are going to prove his innocence.”
...or maybe not.
Barbara Bechnel, his friend and confidant, was outside San Quentin vowing a posthumous exoneration of Tookie, and his attorney, Peter Fleming was on CNN arguing that being convicted of killing four people doesn’t mean you did it:
WILLIAMS: There is all the difference in the world between jury verdict and actual guilt, just as there is between an acquittal and actual innocence.”
Although in Tookie Williams’ case -- he had a quarter of a century to try to unravel the statements of six witnesses, and the ballistics linking his shotgun to a casing found at the scene.
Lora Owens, whose stepson was one of Tookie’s victims, certainly has no doubts. She watched the execution and said even an apology shouldn’t have spared him:
OWENS: “It doesn’t get you out of a just punishment. He had the just punishment.”
Of course what made this case different was his anti-gang children’s books, and the young audience that came to know him NOT as Tookie the murderer, but Tookie the reformed gang banger, whose name rhymed with Cookie. So what ABOUT the kids? Well, they can still read the books. They can also read the biography of the author – to learn what society sometimes does if you don’t pay attention to what the books say.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQVOTE
Moved: 12/12/2005 17:49
The voting begins. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Iraqi soldiers are dipping their fingers in the ink ... as the elections begin: the elections that could decide how long we stay.
Soldiers, hospital patients, and even prisoners began voting today – even Saddam gets to vote. Expatriates vote tomorrow; everybody else votes Thursday.
And the vote comes at a time when a new opinion poll is finding Iraqis to be more optimistic. Two thirds want the Americans to leave, but 71% say things are going well in their personal lives right now, and 64% expect them to get better in the coming year.
The idea that you even HAVE a pollster ringing up Iraqis and asking “Say how are things going for you?” is remarkable by itself.
As for the election, everybody’s wondering whether the secular candidates have any chance against the Shi’ite candidates. But what’s really important is not WHO wins, it’s HOW they win.
Because if the wacko bombers realize it’s easier to get power by APPEALING to voters rather than scaring the hell out of them – we get to go home!
And there are hopeful signs... candidates are spending thousands on schmaltzy TV ads, just like we do. There are text messages, and posters – including a poster that shows the face of Ayad Allawi --former prime minister, and a secular candidate-- shows it morphing into the face of Saddam Hussein. You see what that is? It’s a SMEAR campaign! Good old American mud-slinging!
Perhaps you might not consider negative campaign ads to be a measure of progress.
In a place where smearing the opposition is typically done with high explosives, I find it quite refreshing.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS NBACODE
Moved: 12/9/2005 11:43
The white man's burden. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
There's a showdown brewing over the NBA's new dress code. So far six NBA players have been fined $10,000 each for uniform shorts ... that are too long.
The rule is one INCH below the knee, no longer. And it was the CNN morning anchors who figured out why:
AMERICAN MORNING: "...white people."
Trying to get black people to look like white people. You can see where THIS discussion is headed – so before it gets there, let me point out this simple fact. It isn't just black people who are expected to dress white. We WHITE people have had to dress white for YEARS. 
Oh, I know what the brothers are saying, Dave, you ARE white.
Well, let me just remind you about the experience of my people - white Baby Boomers. WE tried the beads, the beards, the jeans, the sandals -- and then one day you find yourself waking up in an old school bus with bedsheet curtains next to some girl named "Sunshine."
It gets old!
And you realize... if you're ever going to make any money, the rules say you have to dress like Pee Wee Herman.
You think we WHITE people like that? No! We want the bling, we want the do-rags, we want the G-Unit hoody, and yes, we want the long shorts ... but no, they make us look like Pee Wee! And so yes, the idea that some people get to dress as they please really annoys us! That’s all it is.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS SHOOTIN2
Moved: 12/8/2005 12:36
Non-compliance is not an option. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
The shooting of Rigoberto Alpizar at the Miami airport is going to be rigorously investigated, but I already detect a national consensus: that the air marshals did what they had to do.
Alpizar was not a terrorist. He was not LINKED to terrorism. He was not on a watch list. He didn’t have a rap sheet. He lived in a middle-class neighborhood, worked in a home improvement store, and had been married 22 years.
His backpack contained no bomb, not surprising, since he’d just been through customs.
But that’s not what the passengers saw. What they saw was something that is utterly taboo on an airplane. Agitation:
PASSENGER: “He was OK when he first came in and sat down, and then after a few minutes he had become agitated, he was talking to his wife, he became agitated, and then just ran out.”
Ran out toward the exit, because that’s how you get off. Of course, we all know where the exit of the plane is – it’s right near the cockpit. 
His wife had shouted something about him having a mental illness, but it’s the shouts of the air marshals that count in a case like this:
JIM BAUER: “... and he remained non-compliant with their instructions.”
Non-compliant, which, along with “agitated” is the second thing you must never be.
For me, I always figure that boarding an airplane is like entering a courtroom, where I’m the defendant. Who everyone thinks is guilty.
And in atmosphere like that, natural selection favors those who are utterly bland. So you dress BLAND, you look BLAND, and for God’s sake, you act BLAND, and if you need drugs to achieve that, you take them.
If you can’t do those things -- consider the train.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS RICE1
Moved: 12/7/2005 12:27
Our little secret. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is on a European tour to clarify the US policy on treatment of terrorist suspects, because Europeans suspect that the CIA has been secretly flying terrorists to secret jails for the purpose of using secret interrogation methods that do not follow the rules of conversational etiquette. And which may include TORTURE.
Previously, the US argued that we NEVER used torture, but that perhaps we may have used cruel, inhumane and degrading treatment SHORT of torture.
But now, under pressure from Human Rights groups, Secretary Rice says we will abide by ALL U-N rules
RICE: “Those obligations extend to US personnel wherever they are, whether they are in the United States or outside of the United States.”
Just because we face a terrorist threat, doesn’t mean we can’t be gentlemen and ladies.
I do NOTE, however, she did not say where the secret jails are, not did she invite the Red Cross for a visit.
And frankly, I don’t see a lot of public pressure developing to insist on it, because the CIA isn’t the only one with a secret—most of US have a little secret too. You see, as good, pious people, we all know that torture is wrong, but secretly, we’re hoping that the CIA has every thumbscrew it needs.
And by the way, let me just say, there is no excuse for the way we’re treating Saddam. As he pointed out, he couldn’t shower -- couldn’t change his clothes:
SADDAM (TRANSLATOR): “...and there’s no room for us to smoke.”
I think they should let that man smoke as much as he wants.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS SADDAM10
Moved: 12/6/2005 12:26
He calls it a show trial. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network sponsored by Prilosec. Go to Prilosec O-T-C dot com for a special offer.
More outbursts from Saddam in court today – calling the trial a farce; a show trial -- accusing the Americans of wanting to see him executed. Gee, what gave you your first clue?
Of course, it’s not just us, a lot of shiites want him hung first and tried later... but that won’t happen.
Because Saddam has one last function to perform.
He’ll get his outbursts, and we’ll hear Ramsey Clark fuss about international law – but that will get wearisome.
And in between ... there is going to be a parade of witnesses who will tell stories like the story “Witness A” told this morning -- about how women from the little town of Dujail were undressed, and tortured. 
-- About conditions at Abu Ghraib far worse than anything a few national guardsmen could come up with – stories from the days when the electrodes weren’t fake, and the prisoners weren’t undressed merely for the benefit of the cameras.
The trial is broadcast in delay to censor Saddam’s outbursts; so that when Saddam vowed, for example to “fight the occupiers” yesterday, that part was cut. Close call. You wouldn’t want Iraqis thinking of us as occupiers.
But why even do that? Heck, let him say what he wants!
And if the Iraqi people can hear the details of what he did in the little town of Dujail – which will be followed by the details of what he did in dozens of other Iraqi towns -- and they STILL don’t trust us to install something better ...
Then it would be time for us to kick the dust from our sandals and move on. A show trial? Of COURSE it’s a show trial. Because Iraq’s future depends upon the audience reaction.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS 911COMMISS
Moved: 12/5/2005 11:34
The report card is in. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
In July of last year the 9/11 Commission issued 41 suggestions on how to prevent another attack; and today it’s issuing the report card. I happened to see chairman Tom Kean on Meet The Press yesterday explaining how we’re doing four years later after spending a gazillion dollars:
KEAN: “There are more Fs unfortunately than there are As.”
More Fs than As? How can that be? Co-chairman Lee Hamilton – where did that money go?
HAMILTON: “We’re had some of this money spent to air condition garbage trucks. We’ve had some of the money spent for armor for dogs.”
We all want the dogs to have a fighting chance, but how about things like getting all the police and fire radios on a frequency where they can actually TALK to each other during a disaster?
HAMILTON: “They could not do it at Katrina. They still cannot do it.”
OK then, how about buying up nuclear material from the old Soviet Union so bin Laden can’t get it:
KEAN: “We’re talking about doing it in 14 years.”
OK, then, how about setting up unified watch lists, so that even if the bad guys get some, we can stop them at the airports:
KEAN: “Terrorists coming through the airports may still not be spotted because there’s still not a unified watch list.”
And why is this not happening:
HAMILTON: “We’re got two – three wars going on, one in Afghanistan, one in Iraq, and the war against terror...” 
Wait a minute! I thought the whole PURPOSE of those wars WAS to prevent another.... oh, well we’ve been through that debate a million times. 
So guys, is there any good news from the 911 commission?
KEAN: “We’re going out of business as of, uh, as of December 31st.”
This is why they put Meet The Press on Sunday Mornings. We shouldn’t be at home watching it, we should all be in church praying like hell.
I mean... you know, praying a lot. You probably shouldn’t pray like hell.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS SUNTZU
Moved: 12/2/2005 12:45
The Art of War. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
Presidents of democracies must walk a fine line in time of war. They’re elected by the people, so they have to come across as truthful. And yet, they can almost never tell the whole truth.
And then when their constituents realize they’ve been deceived, they get angry, because they forget: war is not about truth, war is about winning.
I have a little book here called the Art of War; I’m sure you’ve heard of it. Its was written more than 2000 years ago by the ancient Chinese General and philosopher Sun Tzu.
I picked it up when I heard that story about how the Pentagon was planting US propaganda in Iraqi newspapers...
Chapter One, paragraph 17 makes this simple statement. (QUOTE) “All warfare is based on deception.” DECEPTION. That’s the ancient Chinese word for LIE.
And why do you lie? 
Here’s what he says: (QUOTE) “For to win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the acme of skill. To subdue the enemy without fighting is the acme of skill.”
You see, you lie because sometimes it works better than fighting.
But Dave you say, Sun Tzu was talking about battlefield tactics. Yes. But the battlefield we have chosen in Iraq is the mindset of the Iraqi people. Maybe we shouldn’t have, but we did.
So why should it strike anyone as strange that the military is trying to change their minds by feeding articles to newspapers, and lying about the source?
If you want to avoid deception, avoid war, because all warfare is based on deception. 
And one of these days, a general with the guts enough to tell the truth, will just stand up and say so.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS PROPOGAN
Moved: 12/2/2005 12:45
Planted propaganda. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Uh oh. Just a day after the President stood up and leveled with the American people about Iraq, a charge that something in Iraq is not on the level.
The LA Times, quoting military whistleblowers revealed that the Pentagon was PAYING to place propaganda stories in the Iraqi press.
Stories packed with pro-American rhetoric and which never identified the US military as the source.
Reporters demanded that White House spokesman Scott McClellan get to the bottom of it.
And you can see why. Because, if it turns out that if Iraqi newspapers are peddling positive stories planted by the US government, that would mean that Iraqi newspapers are doing the same thing as roughly 90% of the radio talk shows in America!! 
Speaking of which, the LA Times ALSO reports that the Pentagon controls an Iraqi radio station ... a station which doesn't even identify itself as a military mouthpiece.
Can you believe it? They don't even have an announcer come on and say, "And Now Traffic and Weather Together on your Military Mouthpiece Station." 
And reporters are OUTRAGED. Except... let's see. How did Valerie Plame's CIA cover get blown? Well, government officials planted the story with reporters - who then covered up the source. How did the WMD story spread? Government officials planted that baby REPEATELY. They used MIRACLE grow on that sucker! 
You know, if the insurgents were smart, they'd nix the car bombs and just hire PR firms to plant roadside op-eds ... way cheaper than what they're doing, and as we who live in Democracies know, a lot more effective.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS CHRISTM5
Moved: 12/1/2005 11:53
Christmas tree? Or HOLIDAY tree?

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. The Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center is still called a Christmas tree. The Holiday tree in Boston is back to being a Christmas tree, as is the tree at the US Capitol -- at the insistence of House Speaker Dennis Hastert – marking the first time Dennis Hastert has been the subject of his own news story in at least a year.
And all this over a symbol which as we all know, has NOTHING to do with GOD!
It was pre-Christian pagans who first brought evergreens indoors to keep witches away. No offense to present-day Wiccans who as we all know are paid-up PTA members.
In fact, the Romans used evergreen boughs to honor Saturn, namesake for the 12-day winter festival of Saturnalia, marked by the distribution of treats, toys, and alcoholic beverages, a tradition we know today as “getting fired after the office party.”
So the Christmas tree might as WELL be a holiday tree for all it has to do with Christ.
No, the symbol you REALLY have to be careful about is the STAR. 
The 5 pointed STAR was adopted by the Holy Roman Emperor Constantine who chose it as his official seal, with the five points representing the five wounds of Christ. It’s the STAR that’s blatantly religious.
However, one must be careful. Twist it ever so slightly so that it appears to be pointing DOWN, and it becomes the PENTAGRAM, the sign of the horned goat, which was adopted in 1966 as the official symbol of the Church of SATAN! (DARTH VADER MUSIC)
So whether it’s a holiday tree or a Christmas tree, do us ALL a favor – and for HEAVENS sake make sure that star is on straight.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS SADDAM9
Moved: 11/29/2005 14:15
Defending Saddam? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
We heard about Saddam scolding the judge at yesterday’s court appearance, complaining about the broken elevator; and we heard that the trial was adjourned so the defense would have time to replace two of the lawyers who left on account of sudden death.
But we never hear about the legal arguments Saddam intends to use.
And the reason is that everyone assumes he’s toast – especially now that Ramsey Clark, icon of the extreme American left, is on his team. 
Well, Ramsey Clark may be lefter than left, but he IS a specialist in international law. And lawyers on the web have been seriously discussing the legitimate defenses Saddam might use.
In the present case, for example, Saddam is accused of killing 146 people in a small village after an assassination attempt there. The charge against him is AGGRESSION. 
But his defense team could argue that there is no accepted definition of aggression. And it could further argue – I hope your seatbelt’s buckled – that since the UN did not condemn the US invasion of Iraq in 2003 as aggression, that type of aggression is evidently NOT a violation of international law, therefore international law cannot condemn what Saddam did in that village in 1982.
The defense could also argue that Saddam was only rooting out insurgents, the same thing the US is trying to do right now, and which, again, no court has condemned.
But Dave you say, these arguments will never fly. No matter what they argue, Saddam was evil, and must abide by the rules of international bodes like the United Nations. Well let me see. I think I have a quote on that somewhere: ah yes!
BUSH (2003): “When it comes to our security, if we need to act, we will act, and we really don’t need United Nations approval to do so.”
I’m beginning to think this trial may not be such a good idea.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS FIRESIDE
Moved: 11/29/2005 14:15
Maybe fireside chats would work? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Once again the Sunday talk shows insisted on rehashing the Iraq War yet again, and offering the President advice on how to get his poll ratings back up.
One suggestion came from Republican Senator John Warner, who advised Mr. Bush to take his cue from another wartime president and level with the American people:
JOHN WARNER: “Franklin D Roosevelt did just exactly that. In his fireside talks with the people, he did just that."
Fireside "Chat" is what he was trying to say - those radio talks where FDR laid out exactly what it would take to win:
FDR (1942): “Here at home, everyone will have the privilege of making whatever self-denial is necessary...”
This one was from April 1942, when things weren't going well:
FDR: “This will require, of course, the abandonment not only of luxuries, but of many other creature comforts."
The sacrifices would affect everybody - from the hourly worker, to the CEO:
FDR: “Are you a businessman? Well, your profits are going to be cut down by taxation. Indeed in these days when every available dollar should go to the war effort, I do not think that any American citizen should have a net income in excess of $25,000 per year."
That FDR he was such a kidder! Love that wartime humor! Oh -- wait a minute. I'm being told that he meant it. Well then, I think President Bush might want to stick to upbeat speeches on military bases.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS IFOUGHT2
Moved: 11/29/2005 14:14
America hits the malls... This is Dave Ross, let’s do this, people:
I needed a gift for my loved ones
I fought the mall and the mall and the mall won
So I checked the limit on my Vi-suh
I fought the mall and the mall and the mall won
(SHOPPER’S VOICE, FIGHT OVER LAPTOP)
I tried to find a parking stall, I searched through level one
The level two and three and four
I fought the mall and the mall and the mall won
I fought the mall and the mall and the mall won
(SHOPPER’S VOICE – STAKING OUT PARKING)
Then up on the roof I found one
I fought the mall and the mall and the mall won 
But somebody else saw the same one
I fought the mall and the mall and the mall won 
I knew that I should turn around, I knew that I should run
But I tried like HELL to get there first – 
(SHOPPER’S VOICE, LISTING STORES)(CRASH)
I fought a stressed out mother of four driving a Dodge Durango who was on her second espresso, and who intended to be first in line to buy an X-BOX for her son and (SHOPPER’S VOICE, LISTING MORE STORES) She won!
I fought the mall and the mall and the mall won
(SHOPPER’S VOICE, LISTING ONE LAST STORE)
[I-fought.sq1. I-fought track is digitally shortened at end] 
Index 

CBS TRAVEL
Moved: 11/23/2005 12:56
And they’re off! This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
I don’t know if any of you have noticed, but according to my sources, THIS is the busiest travel day of the year.
TV NEWS CLIPS: “The roads the airports, train stations, filling up already coast to coast.” “And it COULD get ugly.” “Good luck; you’re going to need it.” “Bumper to bumper, they’ll head to Grandma.” “Not gonna happen!” “You know if we keep saying ‘pack your patience’ that’s a fairly intelligent thing to say.”
Yes indeed it is... until you actually switch to the correspondent at the airport:
CNN CLIP: “Look behind you, I have been to LaGuardia many many times, gotta say it doesn’t look that bad. CORRESPONDENT: You’re right!”
Yes – because it turns out that what happens is people buy airplane tickets ahead of time, so the airlines pretty much know that you’re coming!
I remember the one time I myself decided to fly on Thanksgiving – even though as a member of the media I should have known better – but I was prepared! I left hours early; I made sure both carry-ons were packed with patience, and about, oh, fifteen and a half minutes after I got there, I was through security and at the gate wondering what the hell I was going to do for the next two hours with all that damn patience! I spent it watching the live reports on the Airport channel telling me to get there early.
So anyway, let me do my bit for the Thanksgiving rush, and remind you that – if you fly today, be prepared, because THIS is the day that the airports are going to be full of people with kids who, after watching the news, got to the gate four hours early which means yes, you’d better pack your patience. And you better pack a diaper, because at some of those gates there’s only one bathroom and if you’re in a hurry:
CLIP REPRISE: “Not gonna happen.”
That’s right...
CLIP REPRISE: “And it COULD get ugly.”
This is DR... 
Index 

CBS RUMSFEL2
Moved: 11/22/2005 12:27
Coming home. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network, Sponsored by Posture D, calcium plus phosphorous for healthy bones. Posture D, in the orange box.
Since the Vice President himself says it’s OK to debate the Iraq war:
CHENEY: “Argument and debate are the essence of democracy.”
I’m going to do it before it becomes unpatriotic again.
There are perfectly sensible arguments for against pulling out right away – like giving the green light to an enemy who hates US, hates our COUNTRY, and hates the liberties for which we stand. Oh, for the days when he had LOVING enemies! 
But there WAS one argument I found confusing... and it came from Defense Secretary Rumsfeld:
RUMSFELD: “Put yourself in the shoes of a soldier who thinks that we’re going to pull out precipitously. Obviously, they have to wonder whether what they’re doing makes sense if that’s the debate.”
You see, putting myself in the shoes of a soldier facing a precipitous pullout, I believe the main effect would be that I, and my shoes, would precipitously COME HOME.
Now, I certainly haven’t polled every soldier, but I do remember the President’s famous Mission Accomplished speech in 2003. And I especially remember the line that brought the house down:
BUSH: Americans following a battle want nothing more than to return home, and that is your direction tonight. (CHEERS)
And then they got a second wind, and cheered louder.
(SECOND WIND)
The cheering went on so long, I haven’t got the time to play it all.
The point is, if the politicians decide for whatever reason it’s time to come home – I don’t think you’ll have a problem convincing the troops.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS TACOMA
Moved: 11/22/2005 12:27
TACOMA.CBS 11/21/05 8:19 AM-DLR 1:33 
Who’s keeping us safe? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
No one’s quite sure why the young man in the shirt and tie decided to go crazy and open fire at the Tacoma Mall Sunday. His girlfriend had recently broken up with him; who knows.
What we do know is that he was sane enough to send that ex-girlfriend a text message right before going in, indicating the people he was about to hurt would simply be random victims. “The world will feel my anger; the world know my pain.” It said.
He took out a rifle and started firing randomly... hitting six people, before ducking into a Sam Goody store at random. 
And as randomness would have it, two of the men he took hostage happened to have military training ... in fact one of them, who had served in Iraq as a medic, deliberately passed up a chance to escape in hopes he could put his training to some use.
They began talking to the man, about their families, to make a connection, to calm him down; until the police took over, and he put down the gun, and surrendered.
Some people thought for a fleeting moment it might be a terrorist attack. It wasn’t, but times being what they are it makes you wonder – just what IS it that keeps us safe? Is it the law? Well, the law said that suspect Dominick Maldonado wasn’t even allowed to TOUCH a gun because of his past record; that didn’t do much good.
Is it the cops? Well, they try, but most of the time they get there after the fact.
No, it turns out that what keeps us safe -- are people like those quick-thinking hostages. And the others who hustled strangers to safety.
What keeps us safe is US -- you and me, who in a world of seemingly random events could be called upon – at random – to rise to the occasion.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS EBOMB
Moved: 11/18/2005 11:41
The E-Bomb. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
The military is developing a new weapon. A weapon that can stop the enemy without hurting the enemy.
It uses NOT a projectile, but Electromagnetic radiation. Extremely short electromagnetic waves. Millimeter-length electromagnetic waves: shorter than microwaves, but longer than light waves.
BEASON:... "Millimeter waves, as it turns out, can penetrate the skin about a third of a millimeter, so it's not really enough to damage the skin."
It can't even heat leftovers. Ah, but it is enough to cause intense pain. Because, as we are about to learn from Doug Beason, the Associate Director of the Los Alamos National Laboratory, these millimeter waves while they only barely penetrate the skin, instantly resonate with a particular component of the skin: its NERVE ENDINGS:
BEASON: What's happening is that your nerves actually pick up this absorbed energy as intense heat, as like a giant conventional oven has been lifted up in front of you. And what occurs is that you nearly instantaneously feel this hot flash -- like a hot flash -- except it keeps going, it's all over your body, and what your mind wants you to do is to drop everything, turn, and flee.
So what we have here is a virtual, non-lethal, HEAT RAY. Dr Beason calls it the E-BOMB.
And because it's a beam, it can be used against a whole battalion, or focused on an individual terrorist.
Of course, there's the concern that it could also be used for torture:
BEASON: "That's one of the criticisms that's come out, but on the other hand, just about anything can be used as torture nowadays even women's underwear can be used as torture."
Wait until they turn that into a ray. The whole story is in Dr. Beason's Book, The E-BOMB.
Now this 
Index 

CBS MURTHA
Moved: 11/18/2005 11:41
The one thing you never do. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. Sponsored by Posture D, calcium plus phosphorous for healthy bones. Posture D, in the orange box.
Rep John Murtha may be a respected democratic hawk, but despite ALL the coverage he’s getting for his plan to withdraw from Iraq, everyone knows it’s DOA.
The Iraq war long ago reached the stage where the original arguments have been eclipsed by a much greater national need. The need NOT to look weak.
And John Murtha did something during that press conference yesterday that you just don’t do in macho Washington. It happened while he was talking about a soldier he visited at Walter Reade:
REP. JOHN MURTHA: “He had been wounded taking care of these bomblets that they drop that they have to dismantle. He had been wounded lost both his hands. The kid behind him was killed. His mother said because they were friendly bomblets they wouldn’t give him a Purple Heart. I went to the commandant. I said (OVERCOME) if you don’t give him a Purple Heart, I’ll give him one of mine (SNIFFLES, TEARS UP) and they, uh, (CHOKING UP) gave him a Purple Heart.”
John Murtha may be an ex-marine and he may be a hawk -- but he cried on television. He cried on television in time of war. The Republicans ... did not:
REP. J.D. HAYWORTH: “The majority’s exit strategy is victory... now, sadly, many on the democratic side have revealed their strategy. Surrender.”
No, Americans aren’t spending 6 billion a month to lose face. Even though, when it finally ends, they may come to the same conclusion President Lyndon Johnson did when he famously observed, (AND I QUOTE) “While you’re saving your face, you’re losing your ass.”
Now this. 
Index 

CBS CHENEY2
Moved: 11/17/2005 13:05
Forward to the Past! This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
The Re-Debate over whether the administration intentionally misled us on Iraq’s missing weapons, has been joined:
CHENEY: “...one of the most dishonest and reprehensible charges ever aired in this city.”
And why is this re-debate happening? Because of people like us. Because of pollsters asking people like us whether we trust the President.
You get a call around dinner time from a pollster who asks if you have time to answer a few questions, and at some point he says “Please tell me whether the following statement applies to President Bush or not: he is honest and trustworthy.” And when that question was asked two weeks ago, only 40% of you said yes, 58% said NO.
And only 39% of you said the war was worth fighting.
But 55% of you said the Bush administration intentionally misled the American public in making its case for that war.
That’s what stings. That’s what’s driving this.
The crazy thing is that clearly, if only 40% of you now think he’s honest, it means that many of you who VOTED for the man just last November have now changed your minds. I don’t get it! WHAT do we know now that we didn’t know then? We debated this stuff for MONTHS! Remember?
KERRY 2004: “I call for the resignation of the Secretary of Defense for failure to do what he should have done.”
Remember that guy? We’ve BEEN through all this!
So do us all a favor my fellow pollees -- the next time the pollsters call with the question about the president, just say what you said last November. 
Because we knew then what we know now. That there isn’t a damn thing we can DO about Iraq, except cross our fingers that Iraqis find their Benjamin Franklin before al Qaeda does.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS WMDLOOSE
Moved: 11/15/2005 11:58
Another warning about WMDS: This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Who is this man:
TOM KEAN: “We have no greater fear than the terrorists who is inside the united states with a nuclear weapon.”
And why is he scaring us?
TOM KEAN: “The consequences of a such an attack would be catastrophic.”
You know this big debate we’ve been having about whether the President lied about weapons of mass destruction? Well this man says never mind past weapons, it’s future weapons we ought to worry about.
He’s Tom Kean, the chair of the 9/11 commission, and at a time when we’re debating old news, he’s issued a report warning that about half of the nuclear materials in Russia are still poorly protected:
KEAN: At the current rate of effort it’s going to take 14 long years to complete this job. Is there anybody anywhere who thinks we really have 14 years?”
And it’s not just Russia, he says:
TOM KEAN: “Some 40 countries now have unsecured nuclear weapons. And terrorists are smart. They’ll go where security is the weakest.”
And while everyone else is debating whether the President went to far 2 ½ years ago, Tom Kean wants to know why the President is silent now:
TOM KEAN: Why isn’t the President talking about securing nuclear materials? 
Uh, because he’s preoccupied with Iraq?
TOM KEAN: “Why isn’t the Congress focused? Why isn’t there more congressional debate on this subject?”
Uh, because THEY’RE preoccupied with Iraq?
TOM KANE: “And what about the media? Why aren’t the airwaves filled with commentary?”
Whoa! There’s at least one of us out here, Tom.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS JORDAN3
Moved: 11/14/2005 11:07
Iraq enters the export business. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
The president’s Veteran’s Day speech set off a new debate over who’s to blame for the bad pre-war intelligence.
But while Democrats and Republicans were re-debating old news, they didn’t seem to notice that regardless of whether Iraq was a truly a threat two and a half years go, it IS becoming a threat now.
Those suicide bombers who hit Jordan were Iraqi exports:
WIFE (TRANSLATED): “On November 5the I accompanied my husband to Jordan carrying fake Iraqi passport.”
--There was the surviving half of the husband and wife team on Jordanian TV, modeling her unexploded vest like a fashion accessory, and calmly explaining how she just couldn’t get the button to work.
Or perhaps it dawned on her that once her husband got the virgins, her own afterlife might not have much to offer:
WIFE: “My husband is the one who organized everything, I don’t know anything else.”
Whatever the case, it’s the first concrete evidence that Iraq is now in the terror export business. Which ought to ring a bell. Because it’s EXACTLY what CIA director Porter Goss predicted in testimony before Congress last February:
GOSS: “Islamic extremists are exploiting the Iraqi conflict to recruit new anti US jihadists. Those jihadists who survive will leave Iraq focused on acts of urban terror.”
But he went beyond that. He predicted that once Al Qaeda got its base going in Iraq, it would expand the product line:
GOSS: “It may be only a matter of time before Al Qaeda or other group attempts to use chemical, radiological or biological nuclear weapons.”
Imagine that. The mistaken intelligence we’ve been arguing about for 2 ½ years might end up not being mistaken after all. 
Just self-fulfilling.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS DOVER
Moved: 11/11/2005 11:31
Voting against God. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Well now I’m confused. Because I’ve done several stories about intelligent design – which is billed as the alternative theory to evolution – and I’m told that just because it postulates an “intelligent designer” does NOT mean it’s an attempt to get God in the classroom.
I talked to the head of the Kansas State school board, which just voted to require that biology classes be open to discussions of Intelligent design, provided they’re backed up by scientific evidence, and KANSAS says it’s not about God.
And in Dover, Pennsylvania, where the whole school board was just voted out because it insisted that teachers read a statement about intelligent design, there was ALSO no mention of God.
But then, on the 700 Club, televangelist and authority on God, Pat Robertson, indicated that the people of Dover, because of that election, had just taken themselves off God’s A-list:
ROBERTSON:
Now first of all, I didn’t realize that God could just be voted out. I thought that took at the very least a Supreme Court opinion.
But here’s the other thing. If Intelligent design has nothing to do with God, as all of its supporters keep telling me, why would God be at all offended by what happened in Dover?
By the way – you don’t get hurricanes in Dover, do you? Good.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS JORDAN2
Moved: 11/11/2005 11:31
Somebody does love us. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. Sponsored by Posture D, calcium plus phosphorous for healthy bones. Posture D, in the orange box.
3000 people marched in Amman Jordan to condemn Abu Musab al Zarqawi – who claimed responsibility for this weeks suicide bombs.
3,000 demonstrators chanting “Zarqawi is a coward.” 
That’s the same Zarqawi who’s been such a headache for US troops in Iraq, but in the brutal mathematics of the Middle East, he’s also helping... by reminding Iraqis what awaits if Democracy fails.
In fact, in Northern Iraq, the government of Kurdistan has just launched a TV campaign you might find refreshing:
RAHMAN: “The campaign is to say “thank you to the people of America”
TV SPOT: “Saddam’s goal was to bury every living Kurd. He failed. Thank you! Thank you America!”
Bayan Rahman chairs the Kurdistan Development Corporation which is offering a special incentive to American investors:
RAHMAN: “Well, we have oil and gas.”
Oh, a LOT of oil and gas. Protected by a functioning Kurdish army, and ready to be exploited by a willing Kurdish workforce.
RAHMAN: “Under Saddam Hussein, much of the oil and gas fields in the Kurdistan region were ignored.” DAVE: “You mean you have underutilized oil and gas fields up there?” RAHMAN: “We do!” 
Hmmm – I wonder if there might be a market for that. Because if there is, it would unleash the ultimate weapon. The one thing that might finally get us out. The one weapon that terrifies the terrorists. Prosperity.
There’s more information at a website called “theotheriraq.com.”
Now this. 
Index 

CBS GOUGING
Moved: 11/10/2005 10:00
Is it gouging... or tough love? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
With gas prices still causing pain, several Attorneys general told a Senate committee yesterday that this nation needs a law against price gouging -- among them Arizona Attorney General Terry Goddard:
GODDARD: “Retailer profits tripled, they went from an average of ten cents a gallon prior to Katrina, to an average of 30 cents a gallon afterward.”
It was the job of the chairman of the Federal Trade Commission, Deborah Platt Majoras, to explain that limits on gas prices are exactly what this nation does NOT need:
MAJORAS: “The last thing in the world our consumers need during an emergency is to have no access to any gasoline whatsoever.”
Which is what happens in a disaster, when drivers start panicking, and hoarding gas until they suck the pumps dry. Indeed in THAT situation, she says, it would be irresponsible NOT to raise prices:
MAJORAS: “And if I’m an honest retailer who really wants to do the right thing, I’m going to be so afraid to raise my price even when I have to to prevent a shortage, [because for heaven sakes I might have to go to jail for it.]”
She also explained that higher prices have accomplished – almost overnight – what even the most passionate environmental crusades couldn’t: a decrease in gasoline use:
MAJORAS: “[Higher prices also signal to consumers to decrease their demand...and during this recent shortage,] we saw signs of decreased demand in the United States not witnessed for twenty years.”
In other words, we have to stop thinking of these price spikes as somehow evil or malicious ... but rather as a kind of TOUGH LOVE... a big bear hug from an oil industry which is trying to tell us how pathetically hooked we are.
Maybe the oil industry is just run by the wrong people. If it was run by the drug cartels, heck, you could make gas illegal, and it’d still be on every street corner. And cheap too.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS INTELLI4
Moved: 11/9/2005 11:12
Intelligent design, meet democracy. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
Last year, the Dover Pennsylvania school district – Home of the Eagles -- became the first in the nation to require ninth grade biology students to hear about intelligent design.
The school board voted 6-3 to require teachers to read a statement referring students to an Intelligent design textbook.
In that textbook, they would learn that some organs, like the human eye, for example, are irreducibly complex -- too complex to have evolved naturally. Therefore, there must be an intelligent designer. Who, in the case of the human eye, designed it to require reading glasses after 40.
In any case, eight families sued. And while the courts verdict is pending, the voters’ verdict is clear. In Tuesday’s Dover school board elections, all eight board incumbents up for re-election lost.
It’s too bad, really, because I think Intelligent it could really help test scores. Especially if it was extended beyond biology to ALL The sciences.
In my own case I remember a 200-level Physics class freshman year where I had to solve a series of very complex differential equations.
If I had been able to say, “Sir, I have looked at these equations and I believe they are irreducibly complex, the product of an Intelligent Designer whose identity I cannot determine” -- if I’d been able to say that -- I would have done way better than a C.
As it turned out I had to switch my major to English.
And it’s America’s loss. If only I had been allowed to invoke intelligent design, I could RIGHT NOW be designing nuclear reactors.
And... they’d probably work. For a while... (SUDDENLY DEFENSIVE) We have warning systems... Now this 
Index 

CBS 912NO
Moved: 11/9/2005 11:12
I was happy to see the gas tax survive. I tried to make it clear on my show that we weren’t just voting on a tax, we were voting on a list of 274 transportation projects around the state, most of them long overdue, and most of them crucial to the economic health of both Eastern AND Western Washington.
But I’m not kidding myself. Take away King County, and repeal would have won by 27,000 votes.
Yes, ONE Eastern Washington county DID vote against 912, Walla Walla, but the margin was all of 126 votes.
So... I’m glad the gas tax survived, but I’m not singing kum-bay-yah. The state is still very much divided. Urban versus rural,
What we have here is an opportunity.
The DOT and the politicians in the Puget Sound region have to demonstrate -- starting YESTERDAY -- that they know how to manage money. The private contractors who build these projects have to help them. And it won’t be enough to bring those projects in on time and on budget – you need to bring them in AHEAD of time and UNDER budget, and you need to fire the hell out of anybody who isn’t committed to that.
And the Democrats who now run Olympia need to make it clear that the culture has changed. This week we heard that state revenues are about a billion dollars more than expected. Before they commit one penny of that money, they need to set up meetings around the state where REGULAR TAXPAYERS get a chance to say what THEY want to do with the money.
And if those taxpayers say “Refund some of it” don’t dismiss them; find a way to do it.
Because the gas tax is back from the dead. That is a huge boost to this state’s economy and the job prospects of everyone living here. But it is NOT a blank check. So DON’T BLOW IT! Remember the lesson of the Monorail: even urban voters can change their minds. 
Index 

CBS FRANCE
Moved: 11/8/2005 11:36
An outbreak of French dissing. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
The animated flames on the TV maps of France now reach from the English channel to the Mediterranean. At first it was billed as an immigrant backlash. Until it turned out that the young men involved are officially French, born and raised in France, but ethnically North African. Then it became a Muslim backlash.
Liberal commentators, who admire France for boycotting the Iraq war and figure it should have at least bought some Muslim respect, have been silent, and Conservative commentators are torn between blaming French Socialism and arguing that Muslims are genetically hotheaded.
But if you read the quotes from the neighborhoods themselves, it’s not that complicated. This appears to be the same thing that’s happened in our own country from time to time when a group of people gets sick and tired of being sick and tired.
It turns out that you can be born in France, speak French fluently, be as French as DeGaulle on paper – but if you have a Muslim-sounding name, you get the crappy jobs.
The job you get if your name is Alain is very different from the job you get if your name is Ali. Ali can’t even get into a nightclub!
Unemployment among ethnically French people: 9.2%; unemployment even among university graduates who are ethnically North African: 26.5%. So young men sit around and stew. Somehow free health care and discounts to the Louvre aren’t enough.
France has tried to legislate acceptance, just as we have. But you can’t. Harmony in a society depends on ordinary decisions made by ordinary people ... and whether they choose to treat each other as stereotypes or human beings.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS BUDGET1
Moved: 11/7/2005 13:04
More roosting chickens. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
Finally, something that experts on the right and the left agree on – this congress is spending money as if ... they actually had some to spend. Which it turns out they don’t.
Oh, yes, they’ve been meeting over the past week to talk cuts – maybe even as much as 50 billion dollars over five years.
But that only sounds like a lot until you realize this federal government will spend more than 2.5 TRILLION in just ONE year. Which would be find if there was a plan to pay for it, bit there’s not, which means if you add up the costs, including the new drug benefit for seniors, social security for Baby Boomers, the War, homeland security -- the nation has about 46 trillion dollars worth of unfunded liabilities going forward.
-- 46 trillion dollars worth of promises which at present there is no source of money for, since no one votes for taxes any more. That means we’ll have to keep borrowing it.
But then you hear a chorus of voices saying all this BORROWING is wrong, because it means our CHILDREN will have to pay; and it is right to saddle our INNOCENT TRUSTING CHILDREN with OUR bills? And looking at the size of these numbers, I have to say – eh, let the kids pay it. You know, we gave them the vote, but they hardly use it, so what the heck! I mean, THEY could vote in people who tax their parents a little more, but they’re too busy trying to figure out who makes the best tequila sunrise.
Why would we want to rock the boat?
But Dave you say, won’t our kids hate us for that? Well, yeah! To which I say – let’s not tell them! If we can just keep their iPods charged up they’ll never know.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS CIAJAILS
Moved: 11/7/2005 13:04
American values. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
What do you make of that report that the CIA has a network of secret prisons for terrorist suspects.
The Washington Post says some suspects are actually being held in an old Soviet prison, underground, no visitors from the Red Cross or anyone else, and that President Bush himself authorized interrogators to use QUOTE “cruel, inhuman, and degrading” treatment.
The today’s editorial compared it to something a Third World dictatorship would do. You know -- the kind of dictatorship so many of our grandparents came here to escape.
What do you make of that?
I imagine a lot of people say, “well, they’re a threat to our national security, so what?”
Yesterday, National Security Adviser Steven Hadley reassured reporters that we’re still the same America you grew up with; that even suspected terrorists are treated according to American principles. But he didn’t elaborate on what those American principles might be. Or the locations where these principles are being applied.
So that’s where it stands. Officially these prisons may or may not exist, but if they did, they would be drenched in American principles, but if we let you visit one, we’d have to keep you there. 
When you think about it, it is much more efficient. Look at Scooter Libby – today was first of who knows how many court appearances which may never get at the truth of that security leak.
But suppose a bunch of guys from the government just showed up at his house one morning and ... poof! Off to the old gulag! That would show the world we are one bad-ass country. It might even scare off some of those Third World gardeners who keep mowing our lawns behind our backs.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS SCOOTER1
Moved: 10/31/2005 11:18
A White House haunted. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
After a very bad Friday which saw vice presidential assistant Scooter Libby indicted for allegedly lying about leaking the name of a CIA agent, the president moved on today, naming a new nominee for the Supreme Court, Samuel Alito, with a rich paper trail.
Does anybody NOT know what’s going to happen next? The usual groups will love him; the usual groups will hate him; except thanks to his paper trail, at least this time they’ll actually know why.
Same arguments; different footnotes. I can’t wait.
Meantime, prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald made it clear the leak investigation will continue. And I think THAT’s going to be a big problem. Because you know what haunts this White house? The rules that were applied to the LAST White House.
Republicans set a clear standard in the Clinton years: character counts. To be worthy of power, you must have integrity; you must tell the truth no matter how embarrassing. And THAT was back when the stakes were old real estate deals, and tawdry sex acts. Today, the stakes are a little higher:
FITZGERALD: “The truth is the engine of our judicial system. If you compromise the truth, the whole process is lost. Any notion that anyone might have that there is a different standard for a high official, that this is somehow singling out obstruction of justice or perjury is upside down.”
That’s how the special prosecutor put it Friday. And unless his views have changed since the 2000 Republican convention, no less a personage than the Vice President himself is in total agreement:
CHENEY (2000): “We offer another way, a better way, and a stiff dose of truth.”
Now this. 
Index 

CBS INDICT2
Moved: 10/28/2005 15:39
Indicted. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
There it is – the Vice President’s alter ego, Scooter Libby, indicted for obstruction of Justice, making false statements, and perjury -- not for actually outing a CIA agent, which is how this all started, but for misleading the grand jury trying to determine HOW the agent was outed. That agent being Valerie Plame who is now the CIA’s best known undercover operative.
Many of you find it remarkable that the special prosecutor, so far, anyway, can’t find anything indictable about actually outing the agent. The reason is that if her cover was blown INADVERTENTLY, there’s nothing illegal about that. And no one in the White House would ever advertently undermine a CIA agent. The idea here was to advertently undermine her HUSBAND, Joseph Wilson, who publicly contradicted this line in the President’s 2003 State of the Union Address.
BUSH: “The British Government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa.”
Wilson said that he told the White House that there was no truth to that report, and that he told them well before that speech. But that’s history now. 
What’s significant about today’s indictment is that misleading statements are taken very seriously by prosecutors. If you make a misleading statement -- in other words, if you say something that you know full well is not true, and if you make that misleading statement to a federal investigator, it can put you in jail.
And, no – I know what you’re thinking, but forget it. Merely making a misleading statement to the American people doesn’t count. Nice try though.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS GASBLANK
Moved: 10/28/2005 15:39
Fill In The Blanks. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
Yes, Fill In The Blanks, the feature where I read a story that we've all heard SO many times that even ordinary people like you can Fill In The ...BLANKS.
Very good. Today's topic - oil company... PROFITS.
That's right. Third quarter figures show that oil company profits are ...SOARING. And nobody understands ...WHY.
We suspect that somebody may be... RIPPING US OFF.
But the gas station owners say it's ...NOT THEM
The distributors say it's ...NOT THEM
Saudi princes stuffing oil-stained petro-dollars into large suitcases say it's ...NOT THEM
So some members of Congress are thinking it might be ...OIL EXECUTIVES.
Which is why Congress is considering a law against ...PRICE GOUGING.
But oil executives say they would never dream of ...PRICE GOUGING. They say price gouging is the ...FURTHEST THING FROM THEIR MINDS. In fact, they say they've... NEVER EVEN HEARD THAT TERM.
At which point we could swear we heard ...THE COCK CROW.
But no, oil executives say they are simply following the law of ...SUPPLY AND DEMAND. Which states that when you have the ...SUPPLY, you are... "DA MAN!"
Yes. In fact, Exxon's annual revenues now rank just behind Sweden, which means if they continue to grow, they could surpass even... WAL-MART. Hard to believe.
Indeed the main difference between Exxon and a sovereign nation is that Exxon ...DOESN'T HAVE AN ARMY.
Which is why they... USE OURS. Right.
But thank goodness this nation has a new ...NATIONAL ENERGY POLICY. Which states that when gas prices approach three dollars a gallon, the Federal Government will immediately ...SEND ICE.
Right.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS MIERS7
Moved: 10/27/2005 10:24
Harriet Miers ejects. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. Sponsored by Posture D, calcium plus phosphorous for healthy bones. Posture D, in the orange box.

So Harriet Miers is out because the Senate wanted the memos she write as White House counsel. Papers that were covered by executive privilege. She was compelled to protect Presidential prerogative.

OK! Now anyone who’s followed this knows the real reason – the real reason is that conservatives want a fight on moral issues, and all they were getting was a fight over who could put the most red marks on her homework.

But this Presidential prerogative thing rang a bell, so I did some checking, and sure enough, it’s straight out of a newspaper column! Just last Friday, conservative columnist Charles Krauthammer wrote a column titled “An Exit From The Miers Debacle” and speaking of her White House records, he wrote, QUOTE: “The Senate cannot confirm her unless it has this information; the White House cannot release this information lest it jeopardize executive privilege. Hence the perfectly honorable way to solve the conundrum: Miers withdraws out of respect for both the Senate and the executive's prerogatives... and the White House accepts her decision with the deepest regret....” UNQUOTE. That’s exactly what happened. Almost down to the word!

I guess the President does read the newspaper after all. Either that or ... would somebody in the White House have actually leaked this to a columnist ... NAH! 
Index 

CBS CIALEAK3
Moved: 10/25/2005 10:34
Straight to the top. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
For those of you following the story of who-told-whom-what about CIA agent Valerie Plame, the trail now leads straight to the top. The New York Times reports it was the VP himself who first passed on the information that Plame worked at the CIA.
He didn't reveal her name, the story says, only her job, AND that she was married to Joseph Wilson. 
--- Joseph Wilson, the former Ambassador who had concluded that Iraq was NOT in fact seeking nuclear material from Niger as the President had claimed.
Will there be indictments? We'll know soon. But that's not the real impact of this case. The real impact of this case is that some pretty high-level state department figures have started talking about why the administration might want to undermine someone like Joe Wilson.
And they paint a picture of an administration where inconvenient facts, like the ones Joseph Wilson discovered, weren't welcome.
Colonel Larry Wilkerson, Colin Powell's former chief of staff, gave a speech describing a "cabal" between the Vice President and the Secretary of Defense -- who took it upon themselves to call the shots in Iraq. And the role of the State Department in all this? To (QUOTE) "go screw itself in a closet somewhere," Wilkerson said.
"Where did you spend the war Daddy?" "I was screwing myself in the closet, son."
Well, they're out of the closet now, and they're describing an Iraq policy driven not by military necessity and facts, but by a utopian vision of a shining Baghdad on a hill, and faith.
Which may explain why the only good option we seem to have at this point ... is to pray.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS WILMA2
Moved: 10/24/2005 10:03
It’s just getting to be too much. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network...
While we wait for the next natural disaster – whether it’s the next hurricane, bird flu, earthquake, indictment – there are signs that it’s finally become too much. 
I think we can all feel it. Disaster fatigue is kicking in.
Admit it – a Category 2 just doesn’t do it for you anymore. You haven’t watched as much this time. You strayed over to the zirconium event on the shopping network.
You don’t follow the storm track; you’re not impressed by pictures of overturned boats, flying roof parts, eye walls, flailing palm trees...
And it’s not just us sitting here safe at home -- even in the storm path, relatively few Floridians evacuated this time. The governor said evacuate, the highway signs said evacuate, but in towns along the cost the report was that only 10% did.
Wilma was dangerous, but when you’ve had eight dangerous hurricanes since 2004, the novelty wears off. And after you’ve been in a few shelters, you’re almost ready to accept the prospect of being swept out to sea.
There was National Hurricane Center director Max Mayfield issuing the warning that this is a very dangerous hurricane, with a storm surge of 17 feet, but the reaction seemed to be, well then, we’ll climb the stairs until we’re at 18 feet.
You could feel the fatigue kicking in even among the correspondents:
COOPER: pretty wet, yeah.”
And when even Anderson Cooper is feeling storm fatigue, it’s REAL. 
Index 

CBS TAXREFORM
Moved: 10/20/2005 9:32
Watch out -- your taxes are about to be simplified again! This is DR...

Working below the radar, a presidential commission is busy developing ideas to revamp the income tax system, because that's what everyone wants -- simpler taxes...more tax reform. 

The panel endorsed alternative tax plans that would greatly simplify tax benefits, along with the paperwork that baffles most taxpayers. But simplification meant the panel also called for removing or rewriting many popular deductions and credits. 

The panel's recommendations to eliminate the state and local tax deduction: three out of four taxpayers would fall into the lowest, 15 percent, tax bracket. Under one plan, individuals would pay no tax on dividends paid by U.S. companies and 75 percent of their capital gains would be excluded from taxation. 

Under the second plan, all investment income would be taxed at 15 percent. Both proposals would abolish federal deductions and credits for mortgage interest, state and local taxes and education, among others. 

The nine tax advisers would replace those withdrawn tax breaks with new, simpler benefits, including three savings plans that supplant dozens currently available for retirement, medical expenses and education. ANOTHER retirement plan. Individuals could continue to save for retirement by setting aside part of their untaxed salary in a work account. Taxpayers also could stash up to $10,000 each, for a total of $20,000, into a retirement savings account and a family savings account, used for health expenses, education or buying a home. 

Two of the biggest tax breaks now available would be limited and redesigned to spread the benefits to more moderate- and low-income taxpayers. The home mortgage interest deduction would be converted to a credit worth 15 percent of interest paid during the year, with a cap on the size of a mortgage eligible for the benefit.

The unlimited tax breaks for health benefits would be limited to total value of health insurance provided to members of Congress, $11,500 in premiums for family coverage and $5,000 for individuals.

I look at ths and I see one thing. They want to take away my mortgage deduction? You must be hallucinating. Beware of politicians saying they want to simplify your taxes. Here's the thing. It doesn't matter how stupid the tax code is, because sooner or later, we figure out ways to get around it. The problem is when you keep CHANGING it all the time. Just when we figure out how to scam a few decent deductions, BAM they change it! Just as Wall Street comes up with a decent tax shelter -- BAM! 

How about, if you need more money, get back to taxing dead people. The critics of that estate tax act like taxing dead people is so unfair. "They paid tax when they were alive, now they're dead and you're taxing them. Like they even KNOW! Tax the dead. 

Tax the gullible - that powerball scam is GREAT. The prize this week was 340 million dollars. That's just the prize. You know what they take in? They take in a gazillion more than that! And who do they get the money from? The same people who complain about taxes, and gas prices...the same peope who complain when the price of a stamp goes up two cents! More powerball! You get the money from these people, and then when someone wins the 340 million, he has to pay income tax. Then he pays sales tax every time he buys a Lexus. He pays property tax on his five megahomes. Then when he dies, we take what's left.

Now THAT's a tax system. 
Index 

CBS HARRIET
Moved: 10/18/2005 10:51
NOW do you trust her! This is DR....

Ever since the President nominated Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court, 
people have been trying to figure out how she would vote on Roe vs. Wade.
Would you people please quit asking her? She doesn't know. And if she DID 
know, she wouldn't tell you and if she told you, she'd have to kill you. 
It's a secret! Don't you get it?
And what's this I keep hearing about Karl Rove trying to plant the story 
that she's a solid NO vote? Why would he, of all people, do that? Why 
would Karl Rove reveal a secret that could blow this woman's whole 
nomination? It's absurd.
No, if you want solid information about Harriet Miers, what you need to do 
is consult Texas judges -- and there were six of them at the White House 
yesterday, who confirmed that whatever her top secret constitutional 
identity may be, she is uniquely qualified because of her character and 
integrity.
It was former Texas Chief Justice John Hill who delivered the money quote -- 
saying (QUOTE) "I would trust her with my wife and my life."
A quote destined to be chiseled one day on the facade of ... a post office 
at the very least. Maybe even a post office somewhere in Texas, if we dare 
to dream.
And frankly, that was the reassurance America was waiting for. I think that 
by now we've seen enough statements from religious leaders and Texas judges 
that we would all trust Harriet Miers with our lives, AND our wives, 
something you could never say about Bill Clinton; in fact, I would trust her 
to babysit my children, even though both of them are grown.
In fact, if I was about to undergo open heart surgery, nothing would cheer 
me more than to see Harriet Miers raising the scalpel, because when you have 
character and integrity, a knowledge of anatomy is ... just overkill.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS WILMA
Moved: 10/18/2005 10:51
The computer models are clear. Fix those levees. This is DR...

Wilma has become the latest named storm of the season -- number 21. The 
next one moves us into the Greek alphabet, because the National Hurricane 
Center doesn't use Q, U X Y or Z. Perhaps some sort of bizarre 
superstition... and you certainly don't want to get the troposhpere anymore 
ticked off than it already is.

But it's just another reminder that SOMETHING big's going on here.

And in an effort to find out exactly WHAT that is, weather scientists at 
Purdue University programmed a computer to come up with a weather forecast 
covering the next 100 years.

This is the most sophisticated model yet. It took the compter five mnths -- 
taking into account not just greenhouse gases, but the effect of snow 
packs, mountain ranges, and so forth.

Now, some of the conclusions are not too suprising, or even alarming, such 
as hotter dryer summers in the Southwest. More time for golf! I'm sure 
mankind can cope.

No, as luck would have it, the area that may have trouble coping -- is the 
Gulf Coast -- which the computer predcits will not only get hotter, but 
significantly wetter, receiving precipitation in greater volumes over 
shorter time periods. That's the hundred year forecast for the gulf. 
Greater volumes over shorter time periods.

Now, no computer model is perfect, but what the Purdue computer seems to be 
saying is that Mother Earth has developed a coping mechanism of her own when 
it comes to mankind's consumption of energy... and ONE of the ways she plans 
to cope over the next hundred years is by hosing the area that supplies so 
much of it.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GASPRI11
Moved: 10/14/2005 12:42
I can solve the energy crisis in 90 seconds. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
Energy prices have taken a big jump due to the Gulf Coast hurricanes.
And everyone’s trying to figure out how to get America to conserve.
The Energy Department is trying a new conservation campaign led by a cartoon mascot called the “Energy Hog”, a distinctly unappealing creature whose job it will be to encourage Americans to use less energy this winter.
Well, I consulted the Energy Hog website, and I heard nothing from this porcine preacher I hadn’t heard before – caulking, insulation, lower the thermostat, drive less.
Tell me – when you try to do these things – do you have any CLUE how much you save? 
No, of course not. You don’t know how much you save, because nobody know how much they’re paying for energy until they’ve already spent the money. When you buy groceries you know right THERE how much you spend because the price is marked.
But when you go to the thermostat or start up the car, you have no clue.
The problem is the units. Thermostats are graduated in degrees. Gas gauges are graduated in – little lines. Mystery units. Who knows what they stand for.
WRONG. Thermostats and gas gauges should be graduated in DOLLARS. 
When you go to the thermostat, instead of setting it to 72 degrees, you should be able to set it to $72 a month. Your gas gauge, instead of mystery units, who read how many DOLLARS worth of gas are in the tank.
And when you shut off the engine, it should tells you what you just spent on your trip. And with today’s technology it could have been done long ago. People would cut down overnight! Maybe that’s the problem. Now this. 
Index 

CBS MIERS5
Moved: 10/14/2005 12:42
Harriet Miers faces the “L” word. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
This whole debate over whether Harriet Miers belongs on the Supreme Court is like stepping into the Bizzarro world.
Here she is, a religious conservative, appointed by a President who is a religious conservative, with the support of some very powerful religious leaders like James Dobson and Pat Robertson ... who have used everything short of skywriting to hint that she’s guaranteed to overturn Roe vs Wade.
But it turns out, much to the President’s surprise, apparently, that a guaranteed vote against Roe isn’t enough for some Republican Senators. They want to see a solid judicial philosophy, and what they see instead, to quote conservative flamethrower Ann Coulter, is the “employee of the month.”
Well, buckle up and flip on the air bag, Ann, because it’s about to get even worse:
According to the LA Times, 12 years ago, when Harriet Miers was the first female President of the State Bar of Texas, she took a stand against lawyer-bashing, and scolded the Republicans who were doling it.
She wrote that poor families deserved more welfare benefits, more free legal services, and that it might mean raising taxes.

She said law schools needed to admit more minorities, AND that making a woman head of the Texas Bar Association did NOT mean that "all unfair barriers for women have been eradicated"! 

In short, Harriet Miers flirted with LIBERALISM. In fact it sounds to me like she may have reached first base! And she’s a TEXAN!
Now, that was 12 years ago, and person’s political philosophy can change...
But that doesn’t matter at this point. With these disclosures -- it’s her DNA that’s in doubt.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS BIRDFLU
Moved: 10/13/2005 12:15
The bird flu – is it evolving? Or is it being re-designed? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. Sponsored by Posture D, calcium plus phosphorous for healthy bones. Posture D, in the orange box.
The bird flu has now been detected in Romanian ducks, and health experts continue to warn us that it’s just a matter of time before it “evolves” and makes the jump to humans.
I say “evolves,” but, as we know, there’s another theory for the way organisms change, called Intelligent Design.
Evolution-doubters came up with Intelligent Design as sort of a “God-free” way of spreading the idea that life is too complex to have sprung up due to random mutation.
But it’s controversial. Evolutionists say there is zero proof that God or anyone else actually is manipulating DNA.
Well, here’s a chance to GET proof. We’re told the bird flu is going to mutate at ANY MOMENT, right? So let’s gather bird flu viruses right away, put them under a microscope, and WATCH them – until we catch the Intelligent Designer in the act!
I mean, if the theory is correct, at some point, He, or She, or It, has to reach down with the cosmic scalpel and rearrange the viral DNA. Unless it’s all being done by some teenage Romanian hacker, in which case we’re all toast anyway.
Personally, I hope we DON’T find an Intelligent Designer, because if we do, we’d have to ask, “Why would the Intelligent Designer who designed us – also be designing a virus to kill us?”
Unless – wait a minute – could there be TWO Intelligent Designers? Who don’t LIKE each other? Man, I hope we get a vaccine soon. Now this. 
Index 

CBS HARRIET4
Moved: 10/12/2005 12:27
Was there a wink and a nod? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
Those who worry about the President’s nomination of Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court are wondering why prominent Christian leaders like Dr. James Dobson are so eager to support her – despite her relatively thin resume.
They’re concerned that there’s been a deal.
They’re concerned because last week Dr. Dobson first said that his decision to support Miers was a heavy responsibility:
DOBSON: “...because if I make a mistake here, what we’re talkin’ about, are babies.”
After which he heartily endorsed her, citing confidential sources:
DOBSON: “Those are confidential contacts, and I won’t violate that.”
That led Senator Patrick Leahy to imply that any proof of a deal with Miers on Roe v Wade would bring a filibuster:
LEAHY: “If anybody’s going to go... and wants to be on the Supreme Court or any court, and are going to get that appointment based on assurances of how he or she would vote, they are not qualified to be on that court.”
Well, today, Dr. Dobson revealed that his confidential source was – this will surprise you – Karl Rove, who told him simply...
DOBSON: “...that Harriet Miers is an evangelical Christian, that she is from a very conservative church, which is almost universally pro-life...”
But as for how she might rule on Roe v Wade, as much as he might LIKE to know ...
DOBSON: “I did not ask that question.”
And so it is now official – Dr. Dobson’s endorsement of Harriet Myers has nothing to do with how she might rule on Roe v Wade; he has NO idea what she thinks about it. 
Now this. 
Index 

CBS 912
Moved: 10/12/2005 12:27
Good morning commuters. I’m sure you’ve noticed the blue and white signs at some of the highway construction projects around the state? The ones that tell you how much the project costs, and when it will be finished? 
Well, the initiative 912 campaign wants them taken down. Initiative 912 is one that would repeal the gas tax -- and the "Yes" campaign has filed a complaint alleging that those signs amount to illegal campaigning. Even though the signs refer to projects paid for by the OLD tax. You know, the one approved in 2003? The one Dino Rossi voted for when he was in the legislature?
The 912 campaign ALSO wants the state to remove the web page listing the 274 road projects that the new tax would pay for. That's the list I've been reading on my talk show, just to let people know what'll be cut. Because there's a lot more than the big Seattle projects you hear so much about.
And look -- I mean no harm. I just want to make sure people understand: 912 doesn't make Dino Rossi governor, it doesn't egg the homes of the Monorail board, it doesn't even promise to lower the price of gas. It basically cuts road projects.
I know the 912 campaign is trying to do the right thing. They're worried that too many facts might explode our overloaded little brains.
But I just want to reassure them that we can manage. Plus you know - as a listener pointed out to me, if you REALLY want to keep us in the dark about where the money actually goes, you can't just pull down the signs; you need to stop all that road construction that's going on NEXT to the signs - you gotta put privacy curtains over the construction sites. All those bulldozers are like HUGE 3-D pro-road ads.
Oh - wait a minute - I forgot! You guys ARE trying to stop road construction! That's what the whole initiative is about! Never mind. 
Index 

CBS DISASTER
Moved: 10/11/2005 9:41
Are these the End Times? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
The earthquake in Southeast Asia is just the latest of a string of disasters so relentless, it has some preachers speculating about the End Times.
And who can blame them? Tsunamis, hurricanes, earthquakes, and now a bird flu -- there are so many warning lights flashing nobody even notices the price of gas anymore.
And adding to the sense of helplessness is the pathetic response. 
Where is the water? Where is the food? Where are the helicopters?
The cavalry is always slow to come.
And that’s the frustrating thing – everybody speculates about the End Times, but no one does anything about them!
But Dave, what can we do about the End Times?
Well! You look at any country, no matter how poor -- and every one of them has a trained army. And what IS an army? It’s a group of your biggest, strongest, toughest men who have been organized to feed and clothe themselves while carrying enormous amounts of heavy equipment over great distances even as they’re being shot at.
They have stamina, bravery, and determination – which is EXACTLY what you need in a disaster zone.
So imagine if the armies of the world re-defined their mission: Imagine if, when the earthquake struck, there was a temporary universal truce where the world’s armies would respond to the disaster, finish the mission, and THEN return to fighting each other, except maybe they wouldn’t, because the experience might teach them the futility of armed conflict!
No – I’m just pulling your leg – if THAT ever happened, we’d REALLY be looking at the End Times, wouldn’t we?
Now this 
Index 

CBS MIERS4
Moved: 10/10/2005 10:19
It all rides on one woman. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
It appears that the entire conservative movement has come down to Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers:
On Meet the Press, Pat Buchanan saw everything he's been working for slipping away:
BUCHANAN: "We are at this point of battle where we have some of the finest jurists in the country who have stood the test, and he passes them all over for his personal attorney."
But Buchanan is an intellectual conservative. He focuses on philosophy and scholarship. The support for Miers is coming from Evangelical conservatives. Who focus on Roe vs Wade:
DOBSON: "What we're talkin' about are babies."
No, it isn't people like Pat Buchanan who bring in the conservative votes these days, it's people like Dr James Dobson of Focus on the Family, who's says he's been assured, in confidence, that Harriet Miers WILL save the babies. Some senators are worried that Karl Rove may have secretly pledged Harriet Miers to scrap Roe vs Wade.
But Dobson has implied that this goes higher. Higher even than Karl Rove:
DOBSON: "So I've been saying, "Lord, if I'm wrong here, or even if I'm right, get the message through to me... if this is not the person you want on that Supreme Court, all you have to do is tell me so."
And then there was Dr. Richard Land, director of the Southern Baptist Convention, who, like Miers is a Texan, and who also invoked a higher power to explain his support. Not quite as high as God, but high enough: He invoked Texas:
LAND: "If someone is disloyal; if someone betrays a trust, in Texas, they're right down there with child molesters and axe murderers."
Now this. 
Index 

CBS BUSHWAR3
Moved: 10/6/2005 8:57
BUSHWAR3.CBS 10/06/05 9:03 AM-DLR 0:57

The question has now become, do WE have what it takes? This is Dave Ross. 
On the CBS Radio Network, Sponsored by Posture D, calcium plus phosphorous 
for healthy bones. Posture D, in the orange box.

It was time for the President to remind Americans that HE is determined to 
deal with the terrorists. The only question is... are we.

BUSH... They hit us, and expect us to run."

Because the terrorists remember that we ran before:

BUSH... They want us to repeat the sad history of Beirut in 1983, and the 
history of Mogadishu in 1993."

The terrorists think we're scaredy cats:

BUSH:... They target nations whose behavior they can change through 
violence."

And if you are wondering what Iraq has to do with it... in the minds of the 
terrorists it will demonstrate whether or not we're a nation of sissies:

BUSH ... It is courage that keeps an untiring vigil against the enemies of a 
rising democracy, and it is courage in the cause of freedom that once again 
will destroy the enemies of freedom."

Can you keep your nerve? Or are you weak? The polls lately seem to show 
that you're getting weak. That's exactly what the terrorists want.

BUSH: ...Tyrants and would-be tyrants have always claimed that free men and 
women are weak and decadent. Until the day that free men and women defeat 
'em."

Are you going be weak and decadent, or are you going to be strong and 
courageous? Consider that the next time a pollster calls:

BUSH:...This is a difficult long term project, yet there is no alternative 
to it. Our future, and the future of that region are linked are linked."

Indeed they are. The question is, did they have to be?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS HARRIET2
Moved: 10/5/2005 10:17
Harriet Miers, woman of mystery. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
The President’s choice of the lawyer down the hall to serve on the Supreme Court is drawing a lot of criticism from conservatives – the very people you’d think would support it.
They wanted someone whose political credentials include more than the Dallas City Council. Whose public crusades go beyond reforming the Texas Lottery.
They can’t figure out why, with all the accepted conservative scholars stuck in think tanks waiting for the phone to ring, he would pick Harriet Miers:
But the President couldn’t have been any clearer:
BUSH: “I’m interested in someone who shares my philosophy today, and will have that same philosophy twenty years from now.”
This is a president who doesn’t care what someone looks like on paper; he looks at souls. That’s how he evaluated Vladimir Putin – looked into his soul, remember? And obviously, what he knows about Harriet Miers, you can’t find in a resume.
Reporters seemed frustrated when the President said he had never talked with her about abortion. What they apparently don’t understand is that among people who are of one mind; among people who share a culture, you don’t have to talk:
BUSH: “I made my position very clear in the course of my campaigns, and I’m a pro-life president.”
And I think this pro-life President feels Harriet Miers this is the closest he can get to putting HIMSELF on the Supreme Court.
BUSH: “I don’t want to put somebody on the bench who’s this way today... and changes.”
And unlike Presidents, who have to operate in the practical world and sometimes have to modify their positions on things like nation building and deficit spending, Supreme Court judges are free to remain consistent -- for the rest of their lives.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS BUSHWAR2
Moved: 10/4/2005 14:04
Keep the generals away from Congress. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Polls show that even people who supported the Iraq war are now growing discouraged, and I think I know why. 
We have to keep the generals away from Congress. Last week, when the generals went before Congress, this is what we heard:
MYERS: I don’t think this committee or the America public has ever heard me say that things are going very well in Iraq.
But today, at the President’s news conference, we heard a much different version: 
BUSH: More and more Iraqis are able to take the fight to the enemy, and that’s important to achieve our goal.
Last week Senator McCain asked HOW MANY of the 100 Iraqi battalions are able to operate on their own:
McCAIN: What is that number now? ABIZAID: The number now is ... it’s one.”
But today – we heard a much different answer to the readiness question:
BUSH: Right now there are over 80 army battalions fighting alongside coalition troops – Iraqi army battalions. There are over 30 Iraqi battalions in the lead. And that is substantial progress from the way the world was a year ago.”
Why don’t the generals say more stuff like THAT when they come before congress? 
Even when the generals ARE being positive, it has kind of a depressing spin:
MYERS: “The battalion commanders, the brigade commanders, the general officers, I respect their opinion. They’re been over there, in the crucible, with the blood and the dust and the gore...”
I appreciate what he’s trying to say... but compare that to what we heard today.
BUSH... and we will win in Iraq.”
That’s more like it.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS HARRIET
Moved: 10/4/2005 14:03
We have a new supreme court nominee. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
The President has picked Harriet Miers as his second nominee to the Supreme Court, and in doing so, quoted the late Justice Rehnquist:
BUSH: “Who wrote about the importance of having judges who are drawn from a wide diversity of professional backgrounds.”
And in this case, the quest for diversity led him to a lawyer who was the first woman to become a partner in a major Texas law firm, the first woman elected president of the both the Dallas and Texas Bar associations, and a woman who happened to be working right down the hall as White House Counsel, most recently in charge of ... coming up with Supreme Court nominees.
But she also has another crucial qualification, that being, she has never served as a judge! Which is important, because if she HAD, should would have written opinions betraying how she might rule on abortion, and as everyone knows, the key to getting on the Supreme Court is keeping the Senate in the dark about how you might rule on abortion.
So everything should go quite smoothly, and we will have hearings where the nominee will say things like she said this morning:
MIERS: “I recognize that I will have a tremendous responsibility to keep our judicial system strong.”
And it will be like asking questions to the Magic 8 ball. You always get an answer, but what does it mean?
MIERS: “It is the responsibility of every generation to be true to the founders’ vision.”
And the American people will be left to wonder – what does ANY of this have to do with the price of gas?
Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQTROO
Moved: 10/4/2005 14:01
Making progress. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Being a top general these days means having to go before the Senate Armed Service committee from time to time and assure Senator John McCain that we're making progress in Iraq:
MCCAIN: "General Abizaid there was a report sent over, I think, last June that three of the hundred Iraqi battalions were... capable of operating independently, what is that now?" ABIZAID: "The number now is... it's one."
Well, progress is a relative term. One of the factors tempering our progress is that the Iraqi security force has been infiltrated by terrorists. But Defense Secretary Rumsfeld quickly put that in perspective:
RUMSFELD: "It's a problem that's faced by police forces in every major city in our country that criminals infiltrate and sign up to join the police force."
Yeah... so Iraqi police - not that different from American police. Something to think about next time you're pulled over.
Still, Senator McCain had this nagging feeling the generals weren't being straight with him:
McCAIN: "Things have NOT gone as we had planned or expected or as we were told by you General Meyers." MEYERS: "I don't think this committee or the American public has ever heard me say that things are going very well in Iraq."
What was Senator McCain thinking! The generals have NEVER even IMPLIED that things were going very well in Iraq. Except a few minutes later, at the very same hearing, when General Meyers said this:
MEYERS: "We said the Iraqis would develop a constitution and have a vote in October, that's gonna happen. We're gonna have elections; I think that, in a sense, things are going well."
I'm sorry, what did he say?
MEYERS: "In a sense, things are going well."
Oh... OK, because before it sounded like... never mind. Now this. 
Index 

CBS DELAY2
Moved: 10/4/2005 14:00
Just because THEY follow the money, why must we? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
This week Representative Tom Delay had to give up his position over a political money scandal. His PAC allegedly used a bunch of political contributions for the wrong purpose.
In Texas, when you get a check from a corporation you can use it for a political party’s administrative expenses, but you can’t give it directly to that political party’s candidates, which is what Delay’s PAC allegedly did.
Candidates can only spend the money they collect from individuals, not corporations.
It’s OK if the individuals WORK for corporations; it’s fine if the money an individual gives is money they earned from their corporate pay check, but the corporation ITSELF cannot give any money... because... well, because we need to keep corporate influence out of politics. And we can all see how well it’s working.
How about this idea – consider why candidates NEED all this money? They need it for ads! Usually TV ads, which are very expensive.
And there’s the solution. If Americans stopped paying attention to political TV ads, that money would be wasted. IMAGINE a nation full of critical thinkers who understand that all political ads are deceptive, and who could just ignore them! Politicians who spend millions on ads would get ZERO results! Until they would finally realize it was a waste of money and stop buying them! 
And just like that, money would no longer be important! We could make choices based on news coverage, panel discussions, careful analysis of the issues.
It can happen! I know it can. Right after we’re out of Iraq, and reform FEMA.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS DELAY
Moved: 10/4/2005 13:58
It must be karma. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Congressional strongman Tom DeLay now finds himself facing a felony charge. Prosecutor Ronnie Earle in Austin charges that DeLay set up a committee called “Texans for a Republican Majority” knowing full well the committee’s purpose was to collect corporate money and funnel it ILLEGALLY to seven candidates running for the Texas State Legislature.
EARLE: “Corporate contributions are illegal in Texas.”
The indictment doesn’t allege that DeLay actually accepted the illegal contributions, nor does it allege that he wrote the prohibited checks. Other people did that. However, prosecutor Earle clearly believes that DeLay knew exactly what was up. As for Delay himself, he took the news with characteristic grace and understatement:
DELAY: “It’s a sham and Mr. Earle knows it.”
Exhibiting a calm deference for the awesome majesty of the law:
DELAY: “A vengeful investigation led by .. partisan fanatic.”
Yes. Because it turns out that this man, Ronnie Earl, who believes...
EARLE:... The duty of doing justice requires that the prosecutor safeguards democracy...”
...Is straight out of the fundamentalist Democratic Madrassas of Texas:
DELAY: “Mr. Earle, an unabashed partisan zealot...”
And like zealots everywhere, they file frivolous charges for political purposes:
DELAY:... “This is one of the weakest most baseless indictments in American history.”
They become intoxicated by blind partisanship:
DELAY:...”The democrats can play this politics of personal destruction.”
Yes... (PAUSE) And I’m trying to recall where they might have learned that technique.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS BROWN
Moved: 9/28/2005 14:13
Buying silence? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
Former FEMA director Mike Brown had no trouble explaining what went wrong in Louisiana – it was dysfunctional local officials. He was basically ready to sell the state back to France.
But he DID hesitate in response to one line of questioning. 
It was when Christopher Shays asked him, under oath, for details about his conversations with the White House. Now, the following excerpt has not been edited, except that I did take the liberty of filling the gaps so you wouldn’t think your radio was broken:
SHAYS: I want to know who you contacted. (TICKING :03.2) BROWN: I exchanged e-mails with Joe Hagen, Andy Card, and the president. SHAYS: And what was their reaction and what was their suggestions on how you should deal with this issue? BROWN: They offered to do whatever they could do and were going to start making phone calls and try to help. SHAYS: And what did you ask them to do? (TICKING :13.2) BROWN: Well, I’m being advised by counsel I can’t discuss with you my conversations with the president’s chief of staff and the President. DAVIS: Well Mr. Brown, you discussed it with the New York Times...” 
Yes. Now some critics have speculated that the reason Brown is still on the White House payroll as a consultant is to buy his silence. I don’t know if that’s true, but by my count they got 16.4 seconds right there.
Consultants don’t come cheap.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS GASUSE
Moved: 9/27/2005 14:24
Non-essential trips. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network, sponsored by Posture D, calcium plus phosphorous for healthy bones. Posture D, in the orange box.
The price of gas has again prompted the President to utter the advice that no American wants to hear.
If Americans can avoid going “on a trip that’s not essential,” said the President, “that would be helpful.”
A trips that’s NOT ESSENTIAL. My fellow Americans, since when has ANY OF us turned he key on a trip that was NOT essential?
I know that for me, every trip I take is essential for either keeping me off a bus, keeping me off a bicycle, or to prevent me, god forbid, from having to walk.
That’s why I bought the darn car!
And so his comment has set off a mad scramble in Congress for anything that will make this idea go away.
-- Such as, permitting refineries on military bases. Heck, I’d put ’em on golf courses, so the politicians would get to actually see ’em once in a while. If they’re as clean as the industry says they are, why not? Plus, with the light from the flare stack, you could play at night!
And yet – SUPPOSE... suppose Congress encouraged big oil to use its current windfall to invest in OTHER things. Researchers at the Rocky Mountain institute have found that using current technology we could cut oil use in HALF in this country over the next 30 years.
Oil now sells for over $60 a barrel, and yet the research shows that for about $12 a barrel, we could save or create enough NEW fuel to actually cut US oil use in HALF over the next 30 years, and still drive as much as we want.
PLUS we wouldn’t have to fight as many wars. And all it would take would be to convince Congress to start thinking LONG TERM. Yeah, dumb idea, I know.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS SHEEHAN3
Moved: 9/26/2005 9:51
A strange thing happened on the way to the White House. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
Over the weekend, parents who had lost loved ones in Iraq gathered outside the White House to tell their stories:
MONTAGE OF VOICES: “I’m here to honor the memory of my stepson /One of the bullets severed the femoral artery of my brother’s leg/ My son was killed/ My son died at the pentagon.”
But what’s strange about the voices you just heard is that they were all part of the PRO-war demonstration.
In the ANTI-WAR demonstration Gold Star Mom Cindy Sheehan, actually got the wrap-up after about three minutes:
SHEEHAN: “We’re going to Congress... how many more of other peoples’ children are you willing to sacrifice for the lies, and we’re... I’m almost done.”
And why was she wrapped up? To make room for more Gold Star Moms? Well, not exactly:
JOHN RUBNER: “My names’ Josh Rubner with the US Campaign to End The Israeli Occupation.”
Between Crawford and Washington Cindy Sheehan had picked up a lot of people fighting a different war:
PALESTINIAN ACTIVIST: “I ask all of you today to join in this boycott and divestment campaign.”
How did boycotting Israel get into this?
ANTI-WAR MONTAGE: “And nobody is going to lower that flag, the Palestinian flag/ We’re seeking support to send the Israel occupation to end the Israeli occupation over Palestine!/ Long Live Palestine!/ We are taking control of this country, we have the ability to forge a revolution from below!”
Well, OK ... but first, they better figure out who this “WE” is.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS RITA5
Moved: 9/23/2005 13:47
In New Orleans the problem was people didn’t listen – in Houston the problem was that everybody DID. 
This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
The warnings were as clear as they could be:
NOAA RADIO: “NW Winds 50-65 knots with gusts to around 150 knots after midnight”
“Don’t follow the example of New Orleans and think someone’s going to get you,” said the mayor of Houston.
And it worked. Way too well. Suddenly two and a half million people were on the road. People waited in gas lines OVERNIGHT; families ran through their snack stash and were down to the dog food; and as for bathrooms – well, you had to improvise.
Emergency gasoline was always part of the evacuation plan, it’s just that one of the assumptions of the evacuation plan was apparently that a certain number of people would IGNORE the evacuation plan. And this time – thanks to Katrina, and graphic TV simulations of Rita, NO ONE was going to ignore the evacuation plan.
SO now we see people who DO have cars, and who DO obey orders, and who are NOT poor -- ALSO finding themselves stranded.
But there’s no time to worry about the social implications of THAT right now -- emergency officials didn’t send people fleeing from their homes only to ride out the storm in their cars, and they’ve ordered gasoline tankers to start working their way south, and promise EVERYONE will get gas.
Fortunately, the storm is moving even slower than traffic. And the atmosphere among the evacuees, despite the frustration, seemed to be cordial. At one parking-lot-turned encampment, residents from a nearby subdivision, on their own, brought food and water hundreds of stranded motorists.
Which is one more thing to add to your emergency preparedness list. Good neighbors.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS RITA4
Moved: 9/23/2005 13:46
Four dollar gas. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
This is a joke right? I hear correspondents warning us of FOUR dollar gas. I saw one report predicting FIVE dollar gas. What do they think we are, Europeans? What the oil companies have to understand is that Americans don’t pay four dollars for gas.
It must be gouging! That what a lot of state officials think. That’s what some members of congress think. 
And gouging is un-American. No true American would ever take advantage of an emergency to charge more than we really had to, would we?
If YOU ran a gas station, and people were lining up to get gas, you would resist the temptation to raise the price.
Just the same way that if you had a house to sell and it was a sellers’ market, you would resist raising the price and making a killing because – wait a minute. We all do that.
So that must be different somehow. Let’s see if we can figure this out. OK – when you see gas at an inflated price, that’s comes directly out of your wallet and therefore is gouging; when you sell a HOUSE at an inflated price, that goes directly INTO your wallet and therefore is the law of supply and demand, and the full flowering of the free market system.
I knew we could figure it out.
SO what can we do about price gouging. Well, at a congressional hearing this week, gas station owner Pat Meadowcroft, who was just as outraged about it as his customers, had this advice.
MEADOWCROFT: “...it would hurt me, but if everybody would just quit buying gas.”
Yeah – and while you’re at go without food and water and stop breathing. That’ll teach ’em!
THERE you go!
Now this. 
Index 

CBS JETBLUE
Moved: 9/22/2005 10:07
Could you handle the truth? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network, sponsored by Posture D, calcium plus phosphorous for healthy bones. 
Posture D in the orange box. 
Jet Blue is famous for having a mini-TV in front of every passenger – usually a welcome distraction on a long flight.
But not this time. We all know the sensation of hearing a strange clunk during a flight and conducting our own mental panel discussion about what it might be.
But the passengers on flight 292 saw very real panel discussions on their mini-TVs, with anchors and aviation experts speculating on how it might end.
Informed speculation no doubt.... but you know, if I’m on that plane, I don’t 
want to hear about how it might swerve off the runway, or that the landing gear might collapse. 
I want to hear stuff like how pilots have handled this before, and how of course Airbus designed the A320 to land with a twisted wheel! I want little some reassurance if I’m up there for three hours wondering if I’m gonna live or die!
And on board the plane, that’s exactly what pilot Scott Burke was trying to provide – calmly outlining the problem, shifting passengers and luggage to the back to keep the nose high, and then executing a Space Shuttle touchdown that turned the landing gear into a harmless highway flare, bringing the plane to a stop all of six inches off the center line.
As the crew yelled BRACE! Passenger Jorge Santiago turned up the hip-hop on his iPod and said a simple prayer.
Because in a situation like this you definitely want God as your co-pilot. As long as Scott Burke is your pilot.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS RITA(2)
Moved: 9/21/2005 10:48
Is the earth out to get us? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
Everybody’s trying to figure out why the hurricane season seems to be so much worse than before – Rita following Katrina verges on meteorological terrorism.
But hurricanes actually HAVEN’T become more frequent. What HAS happened over the last 35 years is that they’ve become more intense. The winds are faster, the rain falls harder, and the whole storm lasts longer.
And that part appears to be temperature-sensitive. Average ocean temperature in the tropics is up half a degree Celsius over the past 35 years. But the debate between liberals and conservatives over who’s to blame for that half degree has distracted everybody from the fact that whatever is responsible for it, it’s happening.
It’s causing increases in wind speed. And a small increase in wind speed causes a big increase in destruction. 
For you cone-heads, it rises as the CUBE. Raising the wind speed from 130 to 140 mph can result in a 22% increase in damage.
Which brings us to hurricane Brett. Which you’ve never heard of. Even though it TOO was a Category 4 monster and even though it too slammed into the Gulf Coast dumping 25 inches of rain. No one’s heard of it because when it hit Texas in 1999 it landed in Kenedy County, population 414.
Gulf coast cities have ALWAYS been in a shooting gallery... but now it’s a shooting gallery where rising sea temperatures are increasing the caliber of the bullets, and developers have increased the number of targets.
Nature’s global warming meets mankind’s global swarming.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS CLINTON6
Moved: 9/19/2005 9:36
Bill Clinton speaks up. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
Former president Bill Clinton spent the weekend in New York raising money for his Global Initiative, which among other things, addresses global poverty, and so he had plenty to say about how the Bush Administration has been addressing it here at home:
CLINTON: “We had a program that was drastically reducing poverty and they got rid of it. And they don’t believe in it, and I don’t think that it’s race based, but it has a class impact. And in Louisiana, if what you do affects poor people disproportionately, then it will disproportionately affect black people.”
On ABC’s This Week, he criticized the Bush philosophy that the way to help poor people is to give big tax cuts to rich people:
CLINTON: “We had a different policy... we concentrated tax cuts on lower income working people, and benefits to low income people to help them move from welfare to work, we moved 100 times as many people out of poverty. We know what works.” 
He also said that the huge cost of the relief effort – which most people are now pegging at 200 BILLION dollars – plus the continuing costs of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, threatens to weaken us:
CLINTON: We depend on Japan, China, United Kingdom, Saudi Arabia, and Korea, primarily to basically loan us money every day of the year to cover my tax cut and these conflicts and Katrina. I don’t think it makes any sense. I think it’s wrong.”
How liberating it is to be at that point in your political career when you aspire to nothing higher than the office of First Gentleman! 
Index 

CBS KATRIN34
Moved: 9/16/2005 9:27
Love, Republican style. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
It was a take-charge speech:
BUSH: “The work that has begun in the Gulf Coast region will be one of the largest reconstruction efforts the world has ever seen.”
But it won’t be JUST a reconstruction effort, it will be a massive anti-poverty program. It won’t be FDR, it won’t be LBJ, it will go all the way back to Abraham Lincoln and the Homestead Act of 1862:
BUSH: “We will identify property in the region owned by the federal government and provide building sites to low-income citizens free of charge, through a lottery. In return they would pledge to build on the lot...”
-- and you’d have homeowners with equity, instead of renters with debts. And for businesses -- a tax-free, incentive-rich Gulf Opportunity Zone: a land of OZ for entrepreneurs:
BUSH: “It is entrepreneurship that helps break the cycle of poverty. And we will take the side of entrepreneurs as they lead the revival of the Gulf region.”
It is Compassionate Conservatism made flesh. Democrats like Senator Harry Reid warned of the rich getting richer:
REID” “We Democrats want to be certain that the money goes to help the victims, not to enrich the contractors.”
But the Republicans expect that some of the victims will end up BEING the contractors.
What the President has NOT specified is where the estimated two hundred billion dollars in government money will come from.
But others in his party, like Sen. Richard Shelby of Alabama, have an idea:
SHELBY:... to look inward.”
And while he didn’t spell out I-R-A-Q... let’s just say I believe we are closer than ever to declaring a tremendous victory there.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS PLEDGE3
Moved: 9/15/2005 13:16
The pledge is declared unconstitutional, but where’s the outrage? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
This used to be a guaranteed surefire hot button red-in-the-face issue – Atheist Michael Newdow’s campaign to remove the words “Under God” from the Pledge of Allegiance.
He felt his daughter was being unconstitutionally coerced to recite it, and got his case to the Supreme Court last year, only to lose 8-0 because he didn’t have custody of the girl, and therefore couldn’t speak for her.
Plus, it turned out his daughter actually LIKED the pledge.
Anyway, he was able to find three OTHER parents to sue on behalf of THEIR children; he inserted THEIR names into his paperwork, and yesterday got a federal judge in Sacramento to prohibit the pledge in the three schools that those children attend.
Prohibit the pledge! (ORCHESTRAL CRASH)
But where’s the outrage?
(ORCHESTRA BUILDS)
There was a time when this would DOMINATE the headlines! Liberals would scream about separation of Church and State. Conservatives would scream about free speech. The American Legion would lament our vanishing patriotism, preachers would rail about the exile of God from the public square.
Worried parents would scramble to put together patriot preparedness kits -- with an emergency American flag, bottled water, a change of clothing, and a Clif bar!
(ORCHESTRA CUTOFF)
But today? 

A Google News Search on the words “Pledge” and “Newdow” got less than a thousand hits. 935 to be exact.
To put that in perspective, “Hurricane” and “Bush” got 136,000 hits. 
Even “Britney” and “Baby” got 1,240! (ORCHESTRA HIT)
Hey -- but at least, those Patriot Preparedness kits could still come in handy.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS ROBERT10
Moved: 9/13/2005 13:16
The tango begins. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
Republican Senator Arlen Specter didn’t waste any time asking about Roe vs Wade, and John Roberts didn’t waste any time NOT answering:
ROBERTS: “...in the area of abortion, there are cases on the court’s docket of course, it is an issue that does come before the court.”
So Specter quoted court opinions that used Roe v Wade as a precedent:
And went on to ask Judge Roberts whether he would agree that to overrule certain precedents would be a jolt to the system:
ROBERTS: “I do think that it is a jolt to the legal system when you overrule a precedent. Precedent plays an important role in promoting stability and even handed ness. It is not enough that you may think the prior decision was wrongly decided.”
Senator Specter then raised a large chart with the names of 38 decisions based on the precedent of Roe vs Wade:
SPECTER: “Would you think that Roe might be a super-duper precedent in light of (LAUGHTER), in light of 38 occasions to overrule it?
And once the question was put THAT way, Roberts agreed:
ROBERTS: “It is settled as a precedent of the court, yes.”
Which left but one more question: did he agree with this quote from another high-profile Catholic, John F. Kennedy:
SPECTER: “...quote ‘I do not speak for my church on public matters, and the Church does not speak for me,’ close quote? ROBERTS: I agree with that, yes senator.” 
Did he promise to uphold Roe v Wade? No. But did he indicate that he was motivated either as a legal scholar or as a conservative to overturn Roe v Wade? Also no.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS KATRIN33
Moved: 9/12/2005 11:20
The momentum begins to shift in New Orleans. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
The water is dropping by a foot a day.
And the President is back for this third visit, to show that his is not lacking compassion or concern.
Some electricity is coming back on, some businesses are cleaning up, and you could even detect a slight shift in the blame game.
It seemed to be changing from simply blaming the government to blaming those who were blaming the government.
On ABC Sunday George Will was blaming the social problems in the black community:
TAPE:...there weren’t fathers around.”
And there was even some blame for the media.
On CNN Soledad O’Brien was trying to convince one resident to evacuate, but the woman wasn’t buying it:
TAPE:... over there.”
Yeah – why don’t you film over there? Among the usual suspects, the only one NOT being blamed was al-Qaeda! And no one seemed more upset about that than al Qaeda which released a threatening videotape to ABC:
TAPE:... restraint or compassion.”
They’re so desperate the recapture market share from the Hurricane they even have a fluent English speaker now.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS KATRINA32
Moved: 9/9/2005 9:15
We're the government, we love you, and we're rescuing you whether you want us to or not! This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

A week and a half ago, we saw tragic pictures of people stranded on rooftops begging for help and not getting it. Now we see pictures of the police and national guard forcibly evacuating people who are begging NOT to be helped, and getting help anyway.

I'm seeing pictures of the cops going through what appear to be undemolished homes determined to evacuate somebody.

Residents try to wave off the troops, they say they have plenty of food, they plead not to be separated from their pets, but they're told - very politely - that it's too dangerous - and that if they don't come voluntarily, they'll be forced out. And I'm looking at the streets, and these neighborhoods are dry!

No matter; the orders are to search houses in both dry and flooded neighborhoods, and get everyone out, no exceptions.

Yet I'm also reading that electricity is ready to be restored to anyone who can receive it, the water department says the water pressure is back and the water is safe -- and as for the danger of disease? The New York Times says tests of for cholera or other third world diseases in the flooded areas came up negative.

So after seeing pictures of people marooned on rooftops begging just to be lifted on to dry land, now we're seeing pictures of people being dragged out of dry neighborhoods because orders are orders. 

Except for the security guards hired by businesses and wealthier residents. They will be allowed to stay. Because... well, just because. 
Index 

CBS KATRINA(8)
Moved: 9/8/2005 9:07
You want to know why Katrina REALLY happened? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network

First the storm, now the pestilence. It sounds like something you'd read in the Bible. And you'll find web sites providing Muslim, Christian, and Jewish explanations for why God might consider a hurricane an appropriate tool to send America a message about depravity, or the Iraq war, or materialism.

But the latest parallel comes from a number of Israel's more outspoken rabbis who are now saying the hurricane is God's way of punishing the US for supporting the forced evacuation of Jews from Gaza.

According to WorldNetDaily, here are some of the parallels being drawn by the more radical rabbis:

America's population is about 50 times Israel's. That would make the ten thousand Jews forced out of Gaza equivalent to the half million Americans displaced by Katrina.

Gaza is located along Israel's southern coast; the Gulf region is located along America's southern coast. 

George Bush is from Texas, Condoleezza Rice is from Alabama. Both supported the Gaza evacuation. Hurricane Katrina struck the sates that are right between Texas and Alabama. 

Many residents of Gaza climbed to their rooftops to escape the Israeli army; many residents of New Orleans climbed to their rooftops - NEED I GO ON?

Strangely, there was one parallel that these "analysts of the Divine Will" left out. And to me, it's the most striking parallel of all: Katrina developed over warm water in the Gulf of Mexico, which means that, much like these web sites, it was full of hot air. 
Index 

CBS KATRIN24
Moved: 9/7/2005 9:51
A chance to pull out a victory. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
Listen to some of the numbers:
32,000 rescues performed along the Gulf Coast. 599 shelters set up so far, housing 182,000 people. 11.3 million meals provided, and 18 million liters of water.
And the number of relief and rescue workers: 4,000 from the Coast Guard, 7,000 from FEMA, 15,000 from the active duty military, and 43,000 from the National Guard.
That’s a cavalry of 65,000 in all.
Now so far, the Katrina storyline has been how sluggish the government was to respond to a disaster that affected a disproportionate number of poor people. And it was sluggish, and those pictures of suffering people in New Orleans looked pretty bad. There’s even been speculation that the whole episode might sour the rest of the world on democracy and capitalism.
But does it HAVE to? I thought Senator Harry Reid chose an interesting way to describe the cost of the relief effort:
REID: “This situation, result of the flooding, is costing American taxpayers more than the Iraq war is costing on a daily basis.”
And it occurred to me -- cost isn’t the only similarity. This is also an area rich in oil; its population is ethnically diverse; its government has been displaced; and its water, sewer and electrical systems have been destroyed. And it’s on a Gulf!
In other words ... this is a chance to pull off the very type of reconstruction we promised to pull off in Iraq – before the insurgency screwed it up!
This is a chance to show everybody what Americans can do if you just LET them. It’s a chance – with the whole world watching – to get it right. 
Now this. 
Index 

CBS KATRIN20
Moved: 9/6/2005 10:27
A nation overwhelmed. This is Dave Ross.

It's tempting to think that because we're a superpower, that the government commands some secret weapon which can stare down a hurricane, or some other disaster. But it doesn't.

The first response won't come from feds, or the mayor - the first responder will be YOU. Weýve been told in the past to have 72 hours of food and water ... I'm thinking we might want to extend that to a week.

-- Have a plan for leaving word about your whereabouts - even if it's just a note taped to the door. Keep a working radio.

As for the poor neighborhoods? Well, the BEST answer, of course, would be to discover some miracle social program that elevates every neighborhood to middle class status before the next disaster, but otherwise, if you're going to order them to evacuate, you need to know how many of them have no way to obey - either because they're too old, too sick, or don't have cars. And then you either have to get them out, or have a record of where you left them.

And disaster agencies need to have staffs who know not just when to FOLLOW the rules, but, if the rules turn out to be stupid, when to break them.

These have been humbling scenes for a wealthy nation. Whatýs reassuring is what we're seeing now: the outpouring of money -- and the offers of help from states, cities, businesses, and individuals willing to share their skills, their wealth, and even their homes for weeks or months.

Because we do have ONE secret weapon that IS capable of matching an overwhelming disaster - and that's the kind of overwhelming generosity that makes the difference between despair and hope. 
Index 

CBS KATRIN14
Moved: 9/6/2005 10:26
Dreading what's to come. This is Dave Ross.

The President returned to the Gulf Coast today to highlight the positive news about the relief effort. And there IS positive news - ten thousand Coast Guard rescues in three days, community groups and churches around the country opening their doors to survivors, supplies streaming in from 70 countries around the world. Although one offer has NOT been accepted - Fidel Castro's offer of 1500 Cuban doctors. A frustrated Fidel went on TV Sunday to offer yet again.

A New Orleans Police Captain told reporters that you could finally see police officers SMILING - out of a sense that they were getting the upper hand at last. Those reports that most of the force had bugged out - untrue, he said. It was just that they'd lost radio contact.

But now - even as rooftop rescues continue - comes the REALLY grisly part. On Meet the Press, Jefferson Parish President Aaron Broussard broke down as he described how the man who runs the emergency operations center lost his mother:

BROUSSARD: His mother was trapped in St Bernard Nursing home. And every day she called him and said "are you coming son? Is somebody coming?" And he'd say "yeah momma."

Mayor Ray Nagin seemed convinced that his city had become a mass grave:

NAGIN: "There's 50,000 people unaccounted for. Which number do you want to pick? 5%? 10%? 15%?

And if you think there's finger pointing now - wait -til the numbers come in:

NAGIN: "And then everybody's going to start to wonder... did more people die because of the storm, or because of the lack of response? And that's going to be the big question." 
Index 

CBS KATRINA
Moved: 9/2/2005 13:33
Caught flat-footed. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
Even the President is no longer defending the response to Katrina. 
BUSH: “If it’s not going exactly right, we’re going to make it go exactly right.”
Probably because he better than anyone else knows what Americans have come to expect:
VICTIM: “You can go into Iraq and come with big helicopters and set stuff up for people, but you can’t do this for us?”
The problem is that the government sent in a civilian response, when it turns out that what the Gulf needed was an all-out military response.
People were saved in heroic rooftop rescues only to end up in the squalor of the Superdome or the Convention Center.
Jefferson Parish President Aaron Broussard called the lack of federal response "a disgrace." And New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin... he said state officials need to stop having (quote) "goddamn press conferences" 
NAGIN: “I need troops man! You know, public school bus drivers and coming down here bus people out of here, I’m like you’ve got to be kidding me! This is a national disaster! Get every doggone Greyhound bus line in the country and get their asses movin’ to New Orleans!”
As for the media – it’s now obvious that television should have gone wall to wall broadcasting the locations of pockets of stranded residents. Because without communication, TV was the only way anyone in Washington was going to find out who needed help.
All the time spent on pictures of looters didn’t help anybody.
And as for the evacuation plans -- well, as Gov Haley Barbour says, there WAS a clear evacuation plan:
BARBOUR: “Look, we begged people to evacuate.”
But the only plan for people who were too sick, too old, or too poor to comply ... is what we’re seeing now.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS KATRINA
Moved: 9/1/2005 14:32
Should it have taken this long? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. Sponsored by Posture D, calcium plus phosphorous for healthy bones. Posture D, in the orange box.
The remaining residents of New Orleans have been told to abandon ship.
There’s a crowd growing at the Convention Center, hundreds of people camped on expressways trying to flag down helicopters, and reports of people who survived the storm only to die in the street.
Where’s the cavalry? Lt. General Russel Honore of Jt Task Force Katrina says it’s on the way:
HONORE: “We intend to have approximately 12,000 troops on the ground in Louisiana and 12,000 troops on the ground in Mississippi.”
But in explaining why it’s taken three days, Pentagon planners told reporters that they didn’t know exactly where to go, because there’s no good communication with local officials.
Which is true, and it’s a problem, but ... have you turned on the television? I’m 2000 miles away and I can tell you where the supplies need to be dropped! They’ve been broadcasting everything but the GPS coordinates. Even satellite photographs!
Apparently the disaster plans in many cities assume that after Armageddon, the phones will still work. Well, as far as I can tell, they don’t even have a working bullhorn down there. The one thing that DOES seem to work in a disaster, no matter what, is the news media – which is able to beam pictures and live reports everywhere except the area that actually needs the help! So maybe its time to plop a few generals in front of a TV and have them start giving orders. Or heck – just give the supplies to the reporters. They’ve had NO trouble finding the people who need help. Now this. 
Index 

CBS KATRINA9
Moved: 8/31/2005 13:02
The depopulation of an American city. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
As the corps of engineers ponders how to fix the levees in New Orleans, the Times-Picayune newspaper wrote that the “inundation and depopulation of an entire American city was at hand.”
Of course the people of New Orleans can’t read the paper, because it’s only being published on the web. Where are you gonna find a computer?
Radio station WWL, which has been broadcasting from an emergency shelter, is the only public communication available.
And listeners are hearing about a city doing what it can to keep order as people grow more desperate. Terry Ebbert, the local director of homeland security, reported roving gangs of armed men. In some cases it was just plain old looting; in others, it was people desperate for food.
Listeners heard Jefferson Parish President Aaron Broussard demand an immediate armed National Guard presence – and said he would ask the Governor to authorize setting up a military prison for looters at Fort Polk. Broussard also noted that he's carrying a plastic bag around for his own waste.
The number of people taking refuge at the Superdome grew to 20,000 – in a place with no electricity and no running water. The newspaper reported that the National Guard would (QUOTE) “begin driving them out to dry ground, then airlift them out of southeast Louisiana.”
Can you imagine? And as night came the newspaper reported that the city fell silent. For a while, you could hear the chirps of home alarms sounding their low-battery warnings until that too, stopped -- and the only sound was the croaking of the frogs. Now this. 
Index 

CBS KATRINA2
Moved: 8/30/2005 14:21
Nature loses once again. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
I’ve been watching the pictures from the hurricane zone. And it’s very clear to me that the forces of nature are utterly without sympathy for the needs of a developed civilization.
It was bad enough that all our oil was deposited in the middle east, but then to have so many of our refineries concentrated in a hurricane zone – that’s really piling on.
Left to its own devices, nature would wipe us from the face of the earth -- if it could.
But civilization wins every time. And in the vanguard of our victory...
WEATHER CHANNEL REPORTER: “Look at the sheets of rain coming right into the camera...”
TV news reporters! From what I see there were a record number of them this year braced against the angry storm, teaching yet another generation that if you stick around after the evacuation order facing the eye of a hurricane wearing only a rain slicker, you will be wet and breathless, and very possibly get smacked by a piece of roofing.
REPORTER: “We had one transformer blow but so far so good....whoa! Whoa this is it. This is the worst so far obviously.”
Of course what’s remarkable about THIS storm is that even if you DIDN’T stand in it; even if you’re no where NEAR it -- you could get hit by the expected surge in gas prices.
REPORTER: “Whoa...”
Yes. In a big, complicated, interdependent society like ours, if ANYBODY’s in the path of a hurricane, EVERYBODY’s in the path of a hurricane.
But civilization always wins. Aid will pour in, people will rebuild, the reporters will dry off – and we will go back to feeling invulnerable. Except for the gas price part. 
REPORTER: “Whoa...”
Now this. 
Index 

CBS LEGION
Moved: 8/30/2005 14:20
An American value gone too far. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
CONELLY: “It was pretty sad to turn the TV station on...”
Ron Conelly, is past national commander of the American Legion.
And he understands there’s a vigorous debate about Iraq... but he also thinks dissenters have been getting too much TV coverage. So he wrote a resolution, which the legion passed this week, saying the legion would “engage whatever means necessary to ensure the united support of the American people.”
Because our enemies are using our own TV coverage against us:
CONELLY: “They use our own demonstrations against us and what it does is it builds momentum and it puts our troops in a greater danger than they’re already in and then it affects their morale. ROSS: Then are you saying that you feel dissent is treasonous? CONELLY: I would say it borders on that, yes sir. ROSS: Well then what meaning does free speech have if that’s the case? Well, free speech is fine except for one thing, when it’s used against you there has to be some type of restriction on how the media portrays the country in dealing with free speech.”
He of course believes in free speech... but worries that broadcasting dissent in time of war could create a Vietnam effect – where opposition to the war becomes opposition to the troops themselves.
CONELLY: “And then they turn on the soldier.”
Conelly and the American Legion believe the war in Iraq is a fight to protect American values; but that the only way to WIN the fight to protect those American values, is to refrain from practicing them for a while.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQCON4
Moved: 8/30/2005 14:19
Reading trouble between the lines. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Professor Juan Cole of the University of Michigan has been reading the draft Iraqi constitution in the original Arabic. And he’s worried:
COLE: “A lot of people think this constitution is a recipe for the breakup of Iraq.”
That’s certainly not the intention. Heck -- the constitution is full of kum-bay-ah clauses guaranteeing freedom of speech, health care, and a job for everyone...
COLE: “These guys are Utopians.”
Ah, but utopia comes with a few catches: such as giving the Shiite and Kurdish regions first crack at the oil. And making SOME religions more equal than others:
COLE: “This constitution makes a special place for the Shiite religious authorities in the holy cities of Najaf and Karbala. I mean there’s actually a paragraph in the constitution on this! And the Sunnis say, ‘what’s that? What’s that doing in a national constitution?’ So there are all kinds of things the Sunni Arabs can’t abide, and in fact they’re threatening blood in the streets.”
And civil war would be bad:
COLE: “I would say it would be very bad for us.”
Because, says Professor Cole, it could lead not only to sabotage of oil facilities and even MORE expensive oil, but in fact hasten the very thing we were told this war would prevent:
“The Sunni Arab areas could easily the become like Afghanistan; a base for plotting another attack on US soil. And in Fallujah, the guys were already talking about this – how can we get over to America?”
So for those of you who thought it was time to invoke the Pontius Pilate strategy:
COLE: “If we wash our hands of Iraq, it could come back to bite us in the ass.”
Now this. 
Index 

CBS ARMSTRONG
Moved: 8/30/2005 14:18
Will Lance Armstrong be brought down by frozen pee. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Lance Armstrong, seven-time winner of the Tour deFrance, now stands accused of cheating.
What happened was that a French Lab wanted to refine it drug testing procedures, and so it got the Tour de France to give it some samples from 1999.
12 of those samples tested positive for a blood booster known as EPO. And six of those positive samples – according to a French newspaper – belonged to Lance Armstrong. 
Armstrong tested clean at the time, but back then, the tests couldn’t detect EPO. So his frozen urine will now go to the World Anti-Doping Agency to be thawed and tested again ... and if it’s confirmed, well, I guess they’ll issue a press release, and wait for Armstrong to sue, which would provide the world with another trial of the century with charges, counter charges, and vivid chemical descriptions of frozen human pee.
It seems incomprehensible that a guy like Armstrong – cancer survivor, fundraiser, the man who single handedly changed wrist wear forever, would be a cheater.
But this is what it’s come to. Your urine not only has to pass the test at the time produce it, but has to pass any test that the authorities may come up with IN THE FUTURE.
The thing is – Lance Armstrong is so NORMAL-LOOKING. Here’s a guy who seven times wins a race that involves cycling about 2200 miles and is still normal looking. And if it was because of the EPO, I think there’s only one unanswered question here, and that is --- where can WE get a prescription?
Now this. 
Index 

CBS CHAVEZ
Moved: 8/23/2005 11:05
Why would Televangelist Pat Robertson want us to assassinate the President of Venezuela? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
ROBERTSON: “We have the ability to take him out, and I think it’s time that we exercise that ability”
And why is Pat Robertson worried? For the same reason some policy makers in the US government are worried.
Venezuela has seething masses of poor people, and President Hugo Chavez has decided to cater to them with subsidized health care, subsidized food, and new schools. But he’s also taken more radical actions like encouraging workers to elect their managers, outlawing criticism of himself, and making friends with Fidel Castro.
ROBERTSON: “This is a dangerous enemy...controlling a huge pool of oil that could hurt us very badly.”
And he has OIL. Oil, oil, oil. His critics worry that he’s going to be Castro, ---- except with oil. Which means that unlike Castro, we wouldn’t be able to boycott him. Which I guess is what led Pat to the assassination option:
ROBERTSON: “It’s a whole lot cheaper than starting a war.”
But the problem with assassinating him is – well, he was elected! And he won RE-election in a landslide just last year.
If we’re going to assassinate elected leaders, we’d have to drop this stuff about democracy.
Considering Pat’s a man of God, why wouldn’t he just ask for God’s help -- the way he did for the Supreme Court in the very same broadcast.
ROBERTSON: “We ask, my God, that you would take control of this court... that you would bring about other vacancies on that court.”
See, if God takes care of Hugo Chavez, a least it can’t be pinned on us. 
Index 

CBS GASPRICES9
Moved: 8/22/2005 10:50
I thought we were all going to drive less! This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
High gas prices were supposed to mean LESS driving. Right? The news has been showing all those gas stations with $3 gas and clips from motorists saying things like “I can’t afford to drive anymore. Life isn’t fair! ”
So I thought “great!” Because we were spending last week on the Oregon coast. Pursuing a simpler lifestyle. And to pursue all that simplicity you have to drive. 20 miles to that special beach. 30 miles to that remote trailhead. 40 miles to a dockside restaurant where they can pull fresh crab through a hole in the floor, or whatever they do.
And with all the whining about gas prices – I expected that we’d have the roads pretty much to ourselves. 
And then it’s a Saturday afternoon and we’re sitting at a stop sign in Lincoln city trying to make a left turn on to highway 101 because we’re about to drive 44 miles to get freshly-made ice cream in Tillamook, and we can’t, because the cars are lined up a mile through town! 
Now it’s true, when I rolled down the window, there was a distinct fishy smell, but I don’t think it was because everybody was using bio-diesel, I think it was “low tide.”
A mile of traffic, crawling along. Enormous RVs and SUVs towing ATVs. Where could they have been going? Were these truly NECESSARY trips, like driving 44 miles for fresh ice cream?
I think I know what’s happening. You see people on TV complaining about gas prices; you figure, AHA! THEY’RE certainly not going to drive to the coast! And so the roads end up packed with people who decided to drive because they thought no one else would. Life can be so unfair. 
Index 

CBS JAGGER
Moved: 8/12/2005 10:02
The Rolling Stones find their inner Bob Dylan. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
The Stones have penned a protest song for their new “Bigger Bang Tour;” it’s called “Sweet Neo Con” and the lyrics are as follows:
You call yourself a Christian
I think you’re a hypocrite
You say you are a Patriot
I think that you’re a crock of --- (BLEEP) yes. And then the refrain:
How come you’re so wrong
My Sweet neo-con
Where’s the money gone
In the Pentagon.
Well, not exactly “The Times They Are A Changin’”-- but an interesting foray into U2 territory for the bad boys of Rock and Roll. I tuned in to CNN’s Interview with Mick Jagger to pick up clues to the political epiphany that gave rise to this sudden eruption of musical blowback:
JAGGER:... rows with Republican friends”
Aha! Which would explain this lyric:
“But one thing that is certain
Life is good at Halliburton
If you’re really so astute
You should invest in Brown and Root.
They must have researched the connection between the vice president and Halliburton:
JAGGER:... throw that in the song.”
Aha. Keith Richards... what can YOU tell us about this deeply-felt reaction to neo-con global strategy?
KEITH:... point pointy.”
Aaah! So apparently we can summarize the artistic process follows. “Neo Con... hey! That rhymes with Pentagon.”
KEITH:... pointy pointy”
Works for me. Now this 
Index 

CBS BOREDOM
Moved: 8/10/2005 10:50
Now we’re bored. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
It’s the latest workplace crisis – boredom. The Washington Post reports various surveys show that a big source of workplace stress isn’t having too MUCH to do – but having too LITTLE to do...
One survey of 50,000 workers found 13% DIDN’T love their jobs, DIDN’T appreciate their colleagues, and WEREN’T excited by their work. Another survey checked 800,000 employees at 61 companies worldwide and found that those who felt overworked actually reported HIGHER job satisfaction rating than those who felt they had too LITTLE work.
And the Post reports that boredom can strike at any level. Example? Bruce Bartlett, deputy assistant secretary for economic policy under George Bush the first. He was so bored he would sneak out to movies. Well, of course, Bruce! You were in charge of economic policy under a president who didn’t what the price of a bottle of milk was.
Another bored employee, Kristina Henry, said her government contracting job had her grinding her teeth until she finally just started reading War and Peace. Finished it in two weeks.
And then you heard about the guy in South Korea who was so bored at work he got fired for playing computer games. He got so obsessed he planted himself at a web café and played the battle simulation Starcraft for two days straight without sleeping, until after 49 hours he keeled over from a heart attack and died.
Of course you know what’ll happen now that this article is out there—your boss will do one of those office walk-arounds and start handing out dumb assignments to anyone who isn’t breaking a sweat. Which will give us something else to complain about – and thank goodness! Complaining is the one thing EVERYBODY loves. 
Index 

CBS SHUTTLE6
Moved: 8/9/2005 10:20
That took guts. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
COLLINS: "Discovery has the runway in sight"
You breathe a sigh of relief that the shuttle astronauts are home, and then it's on to other stories. But let's consider for just a moment what their assignment was. Their job was to take a space vehicle that has never really left the experimental stage, and which has been through TWO catastrophic failures, and had just gone through two and a half years of untested improvements, and climb aboard it to see whether it might fail again.
And then, a few minutes into the flight, a piece of foam flies off, a bit of déjà vu which would have the ordinary person wondering if he chose the right career.
But for THESE seven astronauts - no doubt at all. Because that's why they signed on. If something is broken, it's just another problem to be solved.
This country is going through a phase where our curiosity about what's out there has been eclipsed by our fear of what's right here.
When it comes to matters of war and nation-building, we're told just about every day not to dwell on the casualty counts but to focus on the goal.
Well, you have to apply that same resolve to space exploration.
Space is the ultimate hostile environment, intolerant of even the tiniest mistake. If you're going to go there, you have to be prepared to lose good people. And those who sign on for the mission accept that.
They know that for the sake of mission they could be expendable. 
In fact, Commander Eileen Collins even adjusted Discovery's orbit so that the shuttle's final approach wouldn't pass directly over Los Angeles. Just in case. 
COLLINS: "Wheel stop."
Now this. 
Index 

CBS DAYLIGHT
Moved: 8/8/2005 9:40
A mini-Y2K? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
Daylight Saving Time is being changed by the new energy bill to begin three weeks earlier and end a week later to save energy. All that debate on saving energy, and THAT’s what we came up with -- messing with the clocks.
But we take what we can. The trouble is that according to US technology experts, many consumer electronic items are unable to read legislation, and might not adjust themselves automatically.
Weekend phone rates would kick in at the wrong time. On-line calendars would get screwed up. Everybody would either be late or early -- except for chronically late or early people who might be on time for once. And video recorders could start recording shows an hour off. Which SOUNDS fairly innocent until you realize – one hour is the difference between “Wheel of Fortune” and “Extreme Makeover.”
Happily, this doesn’t start until 2007, so there’s time to find a solution. And it may come from the one place you’d never think to look -- the Middle East!
In Israel, daylight time has ALWAYS moved around, because it’s based on the lunar calendar. While right next door, the Palestinians, to assert their independence, make sure that WHENEVER they change THEIR clocks, they NEVER do it at the same time Israel does.
It’s so baffling, Microsoft deliberately OMITS the Jerusalem time zone from the auto-adjust option. Even Microsoft can’t come up with a program that accounts for blood feuds. But Jerusalem residents long ago came up with the answer all on their own.
Said a sales manager at Sakal Electronics in Jerusalem, (QUOTE) “We get up and change the time on the VCR ourselves. These things come with directions."
(UNQUOTE) Now this. 
Index 

CBS SHEEP
Moved: 7/28/2005 13:48
It's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. News Read Real Slow, the feature for those of you who feel the reason the news is so incomprehensible is that announcers read too fast.
This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Today's story is from the "That's why they're called sheep" file, and comes to us via the Associated Press.
Dateline, ISTANBUL, Turkey - First one sheep jumped to its death. Then stunned Turkish shepherds, who had left the herd to graze while they had breakfast, watched as nearly 1,500 others followed, each leaping off the same cliff, Turkish media reported. 
In the end, 450 dead animals lay on top of one another in a billowy white pile. Those who jumped later were saved as the pile got higher and the fall more cushioned.
"There's nothing we can do. They're all wasted," said Nevzat Bayhan, a member of one of 26 families whose sheep were grazing together in the herd.
When this story first ran, I saw various bloggers speculating on the deeper meaning - was it a sign of armageddon, was it symbolic of the state of talk radio...
But I feel certain that we can tease out the true meaning if we read it REAL SLOW:
"Those who jumped later were saved as the pile got higher ..."
Hmmm. Yesss... How about this: "You don't have to be smarter than those who have gone before you, just a LITTLE less stupid." OR how about this: "If you don't know where you're going... it's best to get there last." 
Index 

CBS RESSAM
Moved: 7/28/2005 13:47
A judge jails a terrorist and issues a warning. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
Millenium bomber Ahmed Ressam was sentenced yesterday in Seattle. He’s the Algerian man who, back in 1999, planned to welcome in Y2K by bombing LAX -- until a suspicious border guard in Washington State discovered his trunkload of explosives.
He was tried, convicted, and then, facing a life term, he started naming names and revealing terrorist tactics. Until he finally got tired of the questions and demanded to be sentenced.
Wednesday Federal Judge John Coughenour sent him to prison for 22 years, and then, issued a warning.
He warned terrorists that they should be prepared to spend a lot of time in jail.
But then the judge – who was appointed by Ronald Reagan – launched into a speech that surprised some people:
(QUOTE) “We did not need to use a secret military tribunal, or detain the defendant indefinitely as an enemy combatant, or deny him the right to counsel...
“Despite the fact that Mr Ressam is not an American citizen and despite the fact that he entered this country intent on killing American citizens ... all of this occurred in the light of a public trial.”
The judge went on: “The tragedy of September 11th ... made us realize that we too are vulnerable.... Unfortunately, some believe that threat renders our Constitution obsolete.”
“It is my sworn duty,” the judge concluded, and as long as there is breath in my body I’ll perform it, to support and defend the Constitution of the United States. We will be in recess.” (UNQUOTE) 
He seemed to be saying “Trust the Constitution.” That shouldn’t be at ALL surprising coming from a Reagan appointee. 
Index 

CBS SHUTTLE2
Moved: 7/26/2005 10:16
The shuttle is back. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
SOUND: ...cleared the tower.”
And as the surprised birds chirped, America returned to space for the first time since Columbia exploded on reentry 2 ½ years ago.
And exactly how long ago was that? That was back when we were being told to use duct tape as terrorist protection. It was before the Democrats began filibustering court nominees. Before Martha Stewart’s indictments.
It was TWO Harry Potter books ago. In that time, a Pope died, and a new Pope was chosen.
The Supersonic Concorde flew for the last time. There was an outbreak of same-sex marriages. We saw an entire presidential campaign, from the Dean Scream to the Swift boat veterans. Michael Jackson went from presumed guilty to pronounced innocent.
And except for the rover landing on Mars and Google going public, there was precious little to celebrate.
Because mostly, it’s been 2½ years or war news. We’ve seen Saddam captured, sovereignty, elections – but also Abu Ghraib, car bombs, IEDs, and attacks on Madrid and London. It’s been 2 ½ years of exortations to be persistent, courageous, and vigilant.
Today, we got to see those same qualities applied to a different kind of endeavor.
EILEEN COLLINS: ..for launch.” 
Index 

CBS IRAQBODY
Moved: 7/22/2005 10:27
Putting a number on collateral damage. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
HAMIT DARDAGAN lives in London and is the co-founder of Iraq Body Count.org – a web site whose sole purpose is to document the number of CIVILIAN casualties in the Iraq war. He admits he is no fan of the Iraq War – but he also says the numbers he posts on his web site are as objective as he can make them.
DARDAGAN: “We don’t accuse anybody of going to Iraq to kill as many civilians as possible. But we do think that unless they actually make some attempt to measure their performance in terms of keeping civilian casualties to a minimum, then how can they really know how well they’re doing?”
His study produced an estimate of 24,865 civilian deaths in the two years since the US invasion – with 30% of those civilians killed during the major combat phase, before May 1, 2003. That was also when the largest number of children were killed – and he says if the military is going to claim that they use precision bombs to minimize casualties, he says, they should have the figures to back it up.
DARDAGAN: “I don’t see how someone can say they’re doing all they can to reduce or keep civilian casualties to a minimum, and they’re not actually measuring it somehow.”
If the goal is to improve the lives of the Iraqi people, he says, we have to care how many of them die in the process:
DARDAGAN: “If they’re going to talk about saving lives, about having military interventions to make countries better and so forth, they actually have to pay attention to the adverse effects of their decisions as well.” 
Index 

CBS LONDON4
Moved: 7/22/2005 10:26
A race for time in London. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
BLAIR: “This is the greatest operational challenge ever faced by the metropolitan police service.”
And that challenge isn’t just about finding the bombers.
The pictures released today of the latest suspects in the terrorist assault on London commuters are bound to have a double effect – they will certainly lead to more tips, but they will also fuel the undercurrent of anti immigrant anger among some groups.
Once again, the suspects appear to come form London’s immigrant communities, and far right groups will say “I told you so.” 
Many Mosques have been receiving bomb threats, and The Guardian of London has reported that so-called “football hooligans” have been posting internet messages about putting aside team rivalries and uniting against Muslims. 
The far right British National Party even distributed flyers of the bombed number 30 bus with a headline “Maybe now it’s time to listen to the BNP.”
London Police Commissioner Ian Blair seemed to be addressing that concern in his remarks today:
BLAIR: “We know that there are rumors sweeping London. And I really do appeal for people to listen to the facts as they emerge. The most important message I have, other than this appeal, is that this investigation is targeted against criminals; it is not targeted against any community, or any section of a community.”
The police kept emphasizing that it’s a fast-moving investigation, that anti-terrorist forces are working around the clock. Because they know it’s a race for time – not just to prevent the next attack, but to defuse the vigilantes who think they can do a better job. 
Index 

CBS LONDON3
Moved: 7/21/2005 12:41
Aftershocks in London. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
This time the bombs sounded like gun shots or popping corks. Nothing like last time; but enough to remind everyone that there are limits to security. That even in a city with half a million security cameras, with a police force on heightened alert after the attacks of July 7th, and with every commuter primed to call in anything remotely suspicious, it still happened.
Prime Minister Blair issued the obligatory reminder about what the bombers want:
BLAIR: "To intimidate people and to scare them to frighten them, to stop them going about their normal business. Now obviously people will be concerned and anxious, of course they will. But on the other hand, it’s important also that we respond by keeping to our normal lives and doing what we want to do.”
And Londoners seemed to do just that. Even though at least one American anchor made it clear she thought that defied common sense:
ANCHOR: "Bill if I'm a rider, I would not be getting' on that train."
If this keeps up... it could be back to the bicycle.
Or maybe, this will come to be accepted the way traffic accidents are. Something that happens every day - each one potentially tragic, and yet so common they rarely make the front page. You rubberneck as you drive past, but you don't let them alter your plans.
Of course unlike a car wreck, terrorism carries a political message. But the Prime Minister says it's a doomed message:
BLAIR: And you know why I say that? Every time people somewhere like Afghanistan or Iraq – every time the ordinary people in those countries are given the chance to vote, they vote. And they actually prefer the democratic way of life too. And that’s why in the end, we’ll win.” 
Index 

CBS NRA
Moved: 7/19/2005 12:24
Goodbye Columbus. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
The National Rifle Association now says it will not hold its 2007 convention in Columbus Ohio after all. Because last week, the Columbus City Council passed – unanimously -- a ban outlawing the sale or possession of certain semiautomatic rifles. 

Now, the Columbus city council has been in a legal cha cha with the federal courts for some time – trying to come up with a ban that would pass muster. So you have to wonder why the NRA even considered Columbus in the first place. You’re tempted to believe they just wanted to revel in the pleasure of yanking their convention when the time came.
Because I get their fund raising letters, and I have to say. All those warnings about the Second Amendment being in danger have gotten a little stale.
I mean, during the last campaign, John Kerry tried as hard as he could to be seen WITH a gun! We’re all in tough-guy mode now.
Florida passed a “stand your ground” law that lets you shoot anyone who confronts you with deadly force – no protests!
When someone shoots a burglar, or a convenience store clerk reaches for his .357 to send some low-life bandit running – liberals cheer right along with the conservatives.
When was the last time you heard someone rail about the “gun show loophole”? Nobody cares.
It takes a lot more to get us scared these days than gun crimes. In fact, with the daily bombings in Iraq -- where they basically have the equivalent of London-type incident every three days or so, and the constant warnings that we’re next, a little domestic gunfire is the least of our worries. 
Index 

CBS POTTER4
Moved: 7/18/2005 14:46
It is beyond magic. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
It’s happened again; the numbers are historic. “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” sold 6.9 million copies in the first 24 hours... 
You’d think interest in the series would have peaked by now – but it only grows, as if dark forces beyond human control were at work. And they are.
Because Harry Potter is a classic story of Good versus Evil – and ever since the Bible, that’s proven to be a storyline that no one can resist.
Especially when the evil is insidious, powerful, and beyond redemption. And the hero who fights the evil may suffer challenges, setbacks, and come close to losing it all, but there’s never any doubt about the final victory.
And look what’s happening -- you find kids 12, 11, 10, 9 years old who’ve read the books 4, 5, 6 times. Adults have read the books 4, 5, and 6 times. The fascination with Good and Evil is OUT OF CONTROL.
I mean my gosh -- there's all this great summer TV on, a whole new cable network with nothing but Reality Shows, blockbuster movies in the theatres, a Play Station in the Rec Room and millions of kids spend the weekend BURIED IN A BOOK! Parents will have to do interventions to get them back to the Cartoon Network where they belong.
But it proves once again the addictive nature of well-told stories where you don’t have to have a second thought about which side to root for.
It’s made J.K. Rowling a billionaire – and it’s a lesson not entirely lost on politicians either. 
Index 

CBS PEWSURVEY
Moved: 7/15/2005 8:01
Are the terrorists finally losing their sympathizers? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

It's high time there was some good news about terrorism, and maybe this is it. A new survey by the Pew Research center indicates that Islamic terrorists are finding less sympathy in certain Muslim countries.

The poll covered Morocco, Turkey, Indonesia, Pakistan, Lebanon, and Jordan, and it found that GENERALLY, support for suicide bombing has gone down since 2002. Which is reassuring because these countries all get US aid. The most dramatic drops in terrorist support were in Lebanon and Morocco. Only in Jordan did support actually go UP. Something about that little conflict with Israel I imagine.

More Muslims are also losing confidence in Osama bin Laden. His arrows point down Lebanon, Turkey, Morocco, and Indonesia. Only in Jordan and Pakistan did he actually poll higher.

Support for Democracy was generally up, and here's something - the survey found Islamic extremism is just as alarming to Muslims as it is to westerners. Which is comforting. 

But... before we get too giddy - when the citizens of these allies were asked, "how do you see the US," clear majorities in Indonesia, Jordan, Lebanon, Pakistan, and Turkey checked the UNFAVORABLE column. Money can't buy me love.

And then you have to wonder -- even if sympathy for the bombers IS dropping, does it MATTER? Because in London, the cops now say those were home-made bombs - carried by amateurs, who seemed to have normal lives, until they fell under the spell of some pied piper. And even the next door neighbors, sympathetic or not, had no idea. 
Index 

CBS PIMENTEL
Moved: 7/14/2005 12:18
Will ethanol save us? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
The government subsidizes it, more and more cars are being designed to run on it – ETHANOL, made from corn. A new market for corn growers, a cleaner fuel for motorists, and NO ties to the middle east.
Except for one problem. Well two, Actually. It doesn’t reduce our dependence on oil, and it doesn’t help global warming.
PIMENTEL: No! It doesn’t – oh it contributes!
The reason, according to scientists like Cornell’s David Pimentel, who has studied the issue for 30 years, is simple:
PIMENTEL: “Because it takes approximately 30% more oil to produce a gallon of ethanol than you actually get out in energy... and so if you’re expending more energy than you’re getting back you’re contributing to global warming.”
Those who argue otherwise, he says, fail to include the oil required to fertilize the corn crop, the energy required to build the fermentation plants to make the ethanol, and the cost of trucking the ethanol to market – since there are no ethanol pipelines.
But what about Brazil – where about 40% of all motor fuel is now ethanol? What’s THEIR secret. One word. Subsidies:
PIMENTEL: “If you remove the subsidies in Brazil, or if you remove the subsidies for ethanol in the United States, I predict with great certainty that both systems will collapse.”
OK, OK, but what about the future? I asked Dr Pimentel – won’t the process improve over time... won’t there come a day when economies of scale make ethanol economically viable?
PIMENTEL: “No!”
I think he means it. 
Index 

CBS REHNQUIST
Moved: 7/14/2005 12:16
They are no longer simply justices. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
Chief Justice William Rehnquist is still resting at a hospital where he’s being treated for a fever -- not serious we’re told. 
But as the story of his illness broke yesterday – and I heard the experts point out that nothing less than the direction of the country is at stake... it hit me.
America has a Pope. In fact we have nine Popes.
Supreme Court justices have become America’s pontiffs.
The nomination process takes place in secret, and while the official line on all sides is that “We’re just looking for the brightest legal mind we can find” nobody believes THAT!
There’s only one characteristic that REALLY matters in a Supreme Court Justice – ABORTION! How will this person handle abortion. And the ten commandments, and pulling the plug on people in persistent vegetative states. It’s a search for someone capable of leading what amounts to the Church of the US.
The Washington Post has a story today about a group called the Conservative caucus which is pushing former Alabama Supreme Court judge Roy Moore for the job -- the judge who was dismissed for defying an order to remove a 10 Commandments monument from the state courthouse.
Which simply reminds us that much of America now looks to the court not for Constitutional interpretation, but moral certitude.
They don’t want someone who will bore them with a lot of fine legal poetry, they want someone who will lay down the law on what’s right, and what’s wrong -- without regard to what’s popular.
And so the direction of our Democracy hangs on the health of an aged man, while the conclave continues at the White House – and we wait for the white smoke. 
Index 

CBS ROVE
Moved: 7/13/2005 10:46
Is Karl Rove in trouble or not? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Is deputy White House chief of staff Karl Rove in big trouble for leaking the identity of a CIA operative two years ago? 
The White House Press corps clearly thinks Karl Rove is in big trouble, and why they think that ... is that Presidential spokesman Scott McClellan is suddenly mum on the subject of whether Karl Rove is in trouble.
McCLELLAN: “That’s a question relating to the investigation you’ve had my response on those questions.”
There are two reasons the Press corps cares so much – one is that a reporter, Judith Miller, is now in prison for protecting a source that appears to be Karl Rove, and the other is that back in 2003 when the agent’s identity was leaked, Scott McClellan was HAPPY to talk about the case -- dismissing the allegation as absurd. In fact, last year, Karl Rove himself was dismissing the allegation:
ROVE: “I didn’t know her name and didn’t leak her name.”
But Rove has his defenders too. The conservative press points out that the agent who’s identity he MAY have revealed was already well-known around Washington, and that even if Rove DID reveal her identity, he broke no law. 
His defenders point to an op-ed written last January by Victoria Toensing, a former Senate staffer who helped design the 1982 Intelligence Identities Protection act. And who wrote (QUOTE) “Congress did not intend for government employees to be vulnerable to prosecution for an unintentional spilling of the beans.”
She made it clear that whoever disclosed the identity of agent Valerie Plame did nothing illegal. 
So there you have it. Of course if that’s true... why wouldn’t the White House just step up and say so?
McCLELLAN: “Next question” 
Index 

CBS TIMEWASTE
Moved: 7/12/2005 11:36
Wasting time. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network

I was reading that survey about how much time employees waste on the job -- the one where America on-line surveyed 10,000 people on line and found that the number one way employees wasted time was by going on-line?

Who would've thought, right? 

Ah, but the REASONS they were wasting time on-line - what about that? Well according to the survey 33.2% -- almost a third -- said it was because they didn't have enough work to do.

Not enough work! And who ARE these under utilized employees? The younger ones. The survey found that the younger the employee, the more time he or she wastes.

20-somethings waste close to two hours, while 50 to 60-something Baby Boomers are down around a half hour.

So what do we learn from this? I'll tell you what we learn from this -- that the kids have it figured out.

See, if employers KNEW there wasn't enough work to do, they'd assign more.

We Baby Boomers were raised to equate idleness with sin, so when we run out of things to do, we raise our hand - teacher, I'm done, can I have more homework?

But 20-somethings, who we raised, they're smart! When they get done early, they shut up! They slip outside to play Frisbee golf, or race up and down the stairwell tossing nerf balls.

Because we taught them their life is not their job. They saw how we pushed ourselves, and how all it did was leave us stressed and tired -- and the kids decided to be different. Even if it means they get fired. And you know what? That's great! More power TO them.

Now how about moving out of the upstairs bedroom. We have plans.
Plus we're stressed and we're tired. 
Index 

CBS IRAQWITHDRAW
Moved: 7/11/2005 8:19
Staying the course in public; planning a pullout in private. This is Dave Ross. 

A month ago, you may recall, Congressman Walter Jones - the Republican who coined the term "Freedom Fries," and a big supporter of the Iraq war -- said this:

JONES: "I voted for the resolution to commit the troops and I feel that we've done about as much as we can do"

He never used the word "withdraw" but rather a word which most Americans find vastly preferable:

JONES: "[We need to make a decision as to what the goals will be so that when we achieve those goals] we can declare victory."

Victory. And now the London Daily Mail has published a leaked memo, prepared for Tony Blair, laying out a detailed plan for pulling out British troops over the next nine months.

It talks about handing over all four of the provinces controlled by Britain to the Iraqi army by next April, and includes this line about US plans: (QUOTE) "There is a strong US military desire for significant force reductions. Emerging US plans assume 14 out of 18 provinces could be handed over to Iraqi control by early 2006."

The British Defense Ministry confirmed the memo was genuine, but explains that it's merely one of many scenarios churned out by the bureaucracy. No doubt. Interesting time to leak it, though. Because it would show that if the British DID begin a withdrawal, the planning came well before the July 7th bombing - so that no one could accuse them of pulling out under terrorist pressure. 

But it's beginning to appear that the question is not WHETHER we pull out by 2006, but what we call it. These colors don't run, far from it. However, once the job is declared finished, there's no reason they can't take a walk. 
Index 

CBS LONDON2
Moved: 7/11/2005 8:16
Remaining calm but vigilant. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio network.

The death toll in the London attacks has passed 50, with more bodies yet to be recovered. As for who’s responsible – only theories so far, and one message on a web site, from a group calling itself the "Secret Group of al-Qaeda's Jihad in Europe'' 

The collection of evidence is just beginning – there are thousands of hours of video from the hundreds of surveillance cameras in the area – but it’s pretty obvious, just about everybody expects the evidence will point to radical Muslims.

Which means that the perennial advice to remain “calm but vigilant” is taking on a somewhat different meaning in certain neighborhoods.

Within hours of the explosions yesterday, the Muslim Council of Britain issued a statement condemning the attacks, describing those who planned and carried them out as “evil people” 

“Today we stand aghast” the statement said. “We must and will be united in common determination that terror cannot succeed.”

But at the same time, the Islamic Human Rights Commission advised London Muslims to stay off the streets.

Because not everyone is calling for unity in this time of crisis.

The British National Party, which considers Britain’s immigration laws too liberal, and whose chairman Nick Griffin faces trial for inciting racial hatred, issued a statement too, saying the bombings could vindicate Griffin – if it so happens they were carried out by the asylum-seekers and second-generation Muslims that he’s been warning about.

And so as everybody decides whether its safe to go out again, some decide based on fear of terrorists, and some decide based on fear… of fear. 
Index 

CBS MIA BLOOM
Moved: 7/8/2005 9:59
"Who's next?" This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

That's always the question after something like the London attacks. Who's next? Could it be us? What factors might make an attack more or less likely? A few weeks ago I talked with Mia Bloom, who teaches at the University of Cincinnati - she's actually lived among terrorists, even entering the camps of the Tamil Tigers of Sri Lanka.

She's also worked in New Jersey Department of Homeland Security, setting up ties to the Muslim communities near New York City.

So it's reassuring to hear her say that it's more difficult in countries like the US for terrorist cells to get the backup they need:

BLOOM: "You need to have people who are gonna do reconnaissance, and quartermasters, people to separate the bomber, to mind them, there's a film crew to take the videotape; you don't have this kind of infrastructure within the United States."

The danger to us, she says, comes from the Iraq War. Even though it is now officially the front line in the battle AGAINST terrorism, she says history shows that occupations, far from preventing terrorism, are what beget terrorism:

BLOOM: "In each of the cases where the terrorists started by attacking the occupation, at some point, they left, and went to the homeland where the occupier came from."

As for preventing future attacks by capturing Osama - you remember him - well, says Mia Bloom, his operation may now be on auto-pilot:

BLOOM: "With Osama, though, I would say that right now, he's not in charge of anything. Right now, al Qaeda, we've managed to disrupt the network sufficiently. The problem is, you've got a lot of independent operators. So think of it more like a ... McDonald's franchise." 
Index 

CBS LONDON2
Moved: 7/8/2005 9:47
Remaining calm but vigilant. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio network.

The death toll in the London attacks has passed 50, with more bodies yet to be recovered. As for whose responsible - only theories so far, and one message on a web site, from a group calling itself the "Secret Group of al-Qaeda's Jihad in Europe'' 

The collection of evidence is just beginning - there are thousands of hours of video from the hundreds of surveillance cameras in the area - but it's pretty obvious, just about everybody expects the evidence will point to radical Muslims.

Which means that the perennial advice to remain "calm but vigilant" is taking on a somewhat meaning in certain neighborhoods.

Within hours of the explosions yesterday, the Muslim Council of Britain issued a statement condemning the attacks, describing those who planned and carried them out as "evil people" 

"Today we stand aghast" the statement said. "We must and will be united in common determination that terror cannot succeed."

But at the same time, the Islamic Human Rights Commission advised London Muslims to stay off the streets.

Because not everyone is calling for unity in this time of crisis.

The British National Party, which considers Britain's immigration laws too liberal, and whose chairman Nick Griffin faces trial for inciting racial hatred, issued a statement too, saying the bombings could vindicate Griffin - if it so happens they were carried out by the asylum-seekers and second-generation Muslims that he's been warning about.

And so as everybody decides whether its safe to go out again, some decide based on fear of terrorists, and some decide based on fear. of fear. 
Index 

CBS LONDON 7/7
Moved: 7/7/2005 9:53
We've heard it all before. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network

Here it is again - this time a series of explosions in London followed by a claim of responsibility by a group calling itself "The Secret Organization of al-Qaida in Europe."

Tony Blair stated the obvious:

BLAIR: "Our determination to defend our values and our way of life is greater than their determination to cause death and destruction to innocent people in an desire to impose extremism on the world."

President Bush said what he has said so many times before:

BUSH: "We will find them, we will bring them, to justice; and at the same time we will spread an ideology of hope and compassion that will overwhelm their ideology of hate."

And survivor Abigail Milner asked the question that all terrorist victims ask:

MILNER: "Why would they do that? I just -- I don't understand."

We have heard all this so many times before, that we can now predict what everyone will say - including the terrorists. "The heroic mujahedeen carried out a blessed attack in London," blah blah blah.

Please! Nobody cares about your heroic mujahedeen. And if you want the troops out of Iraq, read a newspaper, morons... there are a lot of Americans and British who do too. But stuff like this only undermines their efforts.

See, we get it. We know that you can use our open societies to kill a few of us from time to time. But we also know that the only real threat to our open societies is if WE choose to turn them into closed to societies for fear of you. So, see ya later. We're getting back to work. 
Index 

CBS G8
Moved: 7/6/2005 9:12
G-1 and the other seven. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network

Let me explain the concept of these G-8 conferences. To demonstrate that the rich nations DO care about the poor nations, every year the leaders of the rich nations meet in a luxurious castle surrounded by an impenetrable fence, riot police, and a sanitized one-mile-wide security perimeter.

It's not the leaders' fault of course, they WOULD love to be able to wander through the crowds, engaging in a lively dialogue with surly protestors and giant street puppets, but that's impractical, so they're forced to run the world in secret.

Of course the REAL agenda of these G-8 summits lately is that countries G-2 through G-8 get to spend a couple of days trying to embarrass country G-1. But it never works. For example, all the other countries were prepared to get tough on global warming, but because the US has determined Global warming to be a crock, the summit will instead issue a marshmallow statement recognizing stern measures are needed, without saying what they are.

As for aid to Africa, President Bush says you don't give money to countries whose governments are too corrupt to spend it wisely.

And he's got a point there. We are certainly not averse to being generous, but we spend OUR money on a certain newly sovereign Middle East democracy. And I'm just guessing here, but I have a feeling if more G-8 countries were to become more generous to that newly sovereign Middle East democracy, these conferences might go a little better.

By the way, the Fourth donors conference for that newly-sovereign Democracy opens July 18th ... nations G-2 through G-8 might want to consider donating at the "Friends of the Tigris" Level. 
Index 

CBS IRAQ1776
Moved: 7/5/2005 9:30
Imagine if the news media had been around in 1776. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

July Fourth, and this year the celebration will be a time to make it clear that despite the red-faced bellowing over Iraq that's been dividing this country, everybody wants to see the soldiers home safe.

And the other thing everybody seems to agree on is that one way or the other, the media is screwing the whole thing up. The left wants to hear more about the Downing Street memo, and the right wants to see fewer pictures of car bombs.

Which recently inspired Donald Rumsfeld to join other fans of David McCullough's book 1776 in musing about what might have happened if the news media had covered the American Revolution:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>RUMSFELD- ON HISTORY 6-29.wav
Time: 35s
Title: RUMSFELD- ON HISTORY 6-29
Out-cue: BEEN IT]

That would have been it.

And you know what that means. You know what the consequences would have been. Had we not thrown off British rule, we would have remained in the British Empire. And instead of becoming America, we would have ended up as CANADA... with gay marriages cheap drugs and national health care!

What better reason to stay the course. 
Index 

CBS CRUISE
Moved: 7/5/2005 9:12
Tom Cruise's wild ride. This is Dave Ross. 

When he went on the Today show and criticized Brooke Shields for taking the drug Paxil to help her post-partum depression, I'm sure that Tom Cruise simply thought he was helping... 

CRUISE: "And she doesn't understand the history of psychiatry."

MUSIC (DAVID BOWIE) "This is ground control to Major Tom."

Today in the New York Times, Brooke Shields broke radio silence.

(QUOTE) "While Mr. Cruise says that ...I do not understand the history of psychiatry, I'm going to take a wild guess and say that Mr. Cruise has never suffered from postpartum depression."

MATT LAUER: "If anti depressants work for Brooke Shields, why isn't that OK? CRUISE: "I disagree with it!."

MUSIC: "Planet earth is blue and there's nothing I can do"

(QUOTE) "To suggest that instead I should have taken vitamins and exercised shows an utter lack of understanding about postpartum depression and childbirth in general.

CRUISE: "Look - you gotta understand... I really care about Brooke Shields."

I know Tom -- it was just a bit of friendly advice.

It's just that... well... Women need many things from a man. Love. Tenderness. Security. But any man who has been around women for any length of time at all, KNOWS that one thing they absolutely do NOT need from you, is hearing you explain to them why they're unhappy.

MUSIC: "Ground Control to Major Tom / Your circuit's dead, there's something wrong"

You might want to consider that before things go too far with Katie.

MUSIC: "Can you hear me, Major Tom?" 
Index 

CBS SOUTER
Moved: 7/5/2005 9:12
Tit for tat. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

The Supreme Court's decision on eminent domain last week really irked a lot of people. The Court voted 5-4 that the city of New London Connecticut could kick out a group of small landowners to put up a riverfront hotel development -- on grounds that the development served a higher public purpose - namely, the generation of more tax revenue and more jobs in a depressed area.

The decision baffled people who thought that you could only be compelled to sell your land if it was blocking an expressway.

And it angered Logan Darrow Clements, who runs a California Production company called Freestar Media, and who dreamed up an ingenious scheme to get even with the nation's highest court.

He plans to buy up the New Hampshire home of Justice David Souter - who voted with the 5-4 majority. He plans to buy it up and replace it with a hotel, and he plans to do it using the court's own decision.
He says he will argue to the town board of Weare, New Hampshire, where Justice Souter lives, that his hotel, to be named the Lost Liberty Hotel, would bring in far more tax money than Souter's house does, and therefore serves a higher public purpose.

Except, I checked a map. Souter's home appears to be on a dead end road, out in the woods. And as far as attractions, the Town of Weare, population 9,000, doesn't have a movie theatre. It doesn't even have a bowling alley. It DID just get a new Dunkin' Donuts; and the Weare Towne Grille will open soon. But I would urge caution. If the hotel tanks - and fails to produce the tax benefits, Justice Souter could just confiscate it right back, you know. 
Index 

CBS BUSHSPEECH
Moved: 6/29/2005 11:33
"As the Iraqis stand up, we will stand down." This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

That's what the President said last night, and that appears to be the only timetable we're going to get.

Getting out will depend on how good our soldiers are not just as soldiers, but as teachers. Iraq is like a school where summer vacation doesn't start until all the students pass their finals.

The speech, of course, won't satisfy the President's critics, but after last night, there's really not much point in dissenting.

Because the decision's been made: we stay until the job's done.

The lowest number I've heard is from the Iraqi prime minister, who said it would take two years to control the insurgency.

And the President is convinced that nothing less than preventing the next 911 is at stake in Iraq. He flat out said last night that if we don't fight the terrorists there, they're coming to get us here.

I just wish I could understand why all the terrorists who want to attack America for its decadent lifestyle, would suddenly surface in urban areas of Iraq, instead of just sneaking across one of our notoriously porous borders. But no matter -- as Osama himself has said - and the President even quoted him - "the whole world is watching this war."

Although, if you think about it, the reason the world is watching is that we're in it. We go home, most of the reporters go home, TV coverage stops. We'd see pictures of the fighting Baghdad about as often as we see pictures of the fighting in Darfur.

But after last night's speech, there's no longer any point in discussing how to get out. The decision has been made. 

Which may be why more and more people seem to be interested in discussing those documents concerning how we got in. 
Index 

CBS DIAMOND
Moved: 6/24/2005 13:50
How to win in Iraq. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
How to win in Iraq -- That’s what Congress wants to know; that’s what EVERYONE wants to know. And this man thinks he has an answer:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>diamond TALK TO UNITED STATES.wav
Time: 14s
Out-cue: ] 

DIAMOND: “Well, there have been elements associated with the insurgency that have been sending signals to the Bush Administration for almost two years now that they want to talk directly to the United States.”
Larry Diamond is the author of “Squandered Victory,” a book based on his work in Baghdad last year helping to write the interim Iraqi constitution. He watched as White House neo-cons pushed through a rule: that treaties could be ratified by a simple majority, instead of the 2/3rds vote that we have here. Why?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>diamond GET BASES APPROVED.wav
Time: 12s
Out-cue: ]

DIAMOND: “Because we were thinking, I think, that we wanted permanent military bases in Iraq, and we didn’t want to have to obtain a special majority of the Iraqi parliament in order to get them approved.”
And as a result, the Iraqis have come to believe that indeed, we have no intention of EVER leaving -- that we intend to keep permanent bases there. And THAT, he says is one of the things stoking the insurgency. Too many Iraqis think the only way to stop those bases is to keep blowing stuff up.
So Larry Diamond proposes that we make the following offer. You stop blowing stuff up, and in exchange, we give you a political role in the new government, AND we put the President on TV:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>diamond NO BASE IN IRAQ.wav
Time: 8s
Out-cue: ]

DIAMOND: “To have the President of the United States clearly declare that we do not seek and will not seek permanent military bases in Iraq.”
That, he says, is what most Iraqis have been waiting to hear. And I have a feeling a lot of Americans wouldn’t mind hearing that either. Now this. 
Index 

CBS CIZIK
Moved: 6/24/2005 11:59
Don't call it environmentalism. Call it CREATION CARE. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
This man drives a hybrid car:
CIZIK: “And I had to change my own lifestyle so that’s what prompted me to buy this Prius.”
This man thinks Global warming is real, and must be addressed:
CIZIK: “I call myself an advocate of Creation Care.”
And this man is an evangelical Christian. Not only that - he is powerful Evangelical Christian - He is Richard Cizik, vice-president of the National Association of Evangelicals.
He is against abortion. He is against gay marriage. He thinks Terry Schiavo should still be on that feeding tube. 
And he believes the environment is a pro-life issue: 
CIZIK: “I got a little bit of celebrity for taking a sign to the annual March for Life that said ‘Stop mercury poisoning of the young’ because 600,000 babies in America are impacted by mercury poisoning that comes from dirty air from coal-burning utilities.”
He thinks global warming is a pro-life issue:
CIZIK: “If you believe that we are to treat our neighbor as ourselves, obviously our neighbor overseas, particularly those who are the most impacted, ought to be someone we care for so that’s the biblical logic which I think is again, like the science here, irrefutable.”
As for turning these ideas into legislation?
CIZIK: “There is no question in my mind that if evangelical Christians who constitute 40 to 50 percent of the GOP coalition get convinced of their Bibles about the need for creation care that the Republicans who have held up action on Global Warming are gonna move our way.”
Because God is pretty clear:
CIZIK: “’My children’, he says, ‘you don’t own this place called earth. I own it.’"
Now this. 
Index 

CBS DIAMOND
Moved: 6/24/2005 11:58
How to win in Iraq. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
How to win in Iraq -- That’s what Congress wants to know; that’s what EVERYONE wants to know. And this man thinks he has an answer:
DIAMOND: “Well, there have been elements associated with the insurgency that have been sending signals to the Bush Administration for almost two years now that they want to talk directly to the United States.”
Larry Diamond is the author of “Squandered Victory,” a book based on his work in Baghdad last year helping to write the interim Iraqi constitution. He watched as White House neo-cons pushed through a rule: that treaties could be ratified by a simple majority, instead of the 2/3rds vote that we have here. Why?
DIAMOND: “Because we were thinking, I think, that we wanted permanent military bases in Iraq, and we didn’t want to have to obtain a special majority of the Iraqi parliament in order to get them approved.”
And as a result, the Iraqis have come to believe that indeed, we have no intention of EVER leaving -- that we intend to keep permanent bases there. And THAT, he says is one of the things stoking the insurgency. Too many Iraqis think the only way to stop those bases is to keep blowing stuff up.
So Larry Diamond proposes that we make the following offer. You stop blowing stuff up, and in exchange, we give you a political role in the new government, AND we put the President on TV:
DIAMOND: “To have the President of the United States clearly declare that we do not seek and will not seek permanent military bases in Iraq.”
That, he says, is what most Iraqis have been waiting to hear. And I have a feeling a lot of Americans wouldn’t mind hearing that either. Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQHEAR
Moved: 6/23/2005 11:24
Easy to start; difficult to end. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
Last week we saw a flurry of reports about the Downing Street Memos which appear to demonstrate in writing that British and American leaders actively invented a case for war in Iraq. Opponents have been using those documents to re-debate the war as if there’s something Congress can actually do about it.
But, listen to the testimony at today’s Senate hearing:
GEN. RICHARD MEYERS: Leaving before the task is complete would be catastrophic, not only for Iraq, but also for the overall struggle against violent extremism, and for our national security.”
As for the pundits who say America is what’s wrong with the world today?
DONALD RUMSFELD: “The violent extremists that killed three thousand innocent men women and children on September 11th; they’re what’s wrong with the world.”
And if you think it’s taking too long, you have only to think of the 4th of July:
GEN. RICHARD MEYERS: “Building a free and open society is a very difficult task; but it is a most noble task.”
Now -- in the face of statements like that, do you think the Senate would dare to seek a timetable – or cut one penny from a Pentagon request? They’d sooner set fire to a flag!
What Congress CAN do is find out if anyone in the White House knew what we were REALLY getting into 827 days ago... and if they told the truth to the American people. That might be an uncomfortable exercise. But as we’ve been told over and over again, building a free and open society is a very difficult task. But it is a most noble task. 
Index 

CBS NAZITALK
Moved: 6/23/2005 11:23
The other “N” word. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
With the apology of Senator Dick Durbin, it is now official: NAZI is the new N-word. 
Now, Senator Durbin never literally said the guards at Guantanamo were Nazis. What he did say was that, someone reading the descriptions of torture in the official FBI report (QUOTE) “would most certainly believe this must have been done by Nazis, Soviets in their gulags, or some mad regime.”
It was a way of saying, “Hey! We’re America! We shouldn’t be doing this stuff!”
But nobody pays attention when you simply say “Hey America, we shouldn’t be doing this stuff” and that’s why opinion makers like to trot out the N-word. It gets attention.
And it’s being used EVERYWHERE. It was used to slam the judges in the Terry Schiavo case. I even saw a column written by an Arizona grocer comparing Wal Mart to the BLITZKRIEG.
And the irony here is that the N-word is being used to describe just about everything except the ONE thing it truly applies to: actual Nazis. That’s the part we’ve forgotten here – never mind Hitler, he’d dead! We have LIVING Nazis operating today in America.
In fact, it turns out their annual meeting takes place THIS SATURDAY in Yorktown, Virginia! They’re going to meet on the site of the British surrender in the Revolutionary war!
“All White Patriots and Groups are welcome to attend,” says the notice.
“White Patriots Unite, Duty Calls! See you on the Frontlines!”
Followed by carpool instructions, and a list of participating Nazis: Commander Jeff Schoep, Chairman Clifford Herrington, Imperial Wizard Virgil Griffin, and so on – so I’ll say it, and I don’t care who hears. YOU GUYS ARE ALL NAZIS! And they won’t demand an apology. 
Index 

CBS SADDAM
Moved: 6/20/2005 16:45
Saddam unplugged. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
With Saddam Hussein about to face trial – it’s time to humanize him and so GQ magazine has a profile of “Saddam, the man” in its July issue. Of course, reporters can’t interview him directly so GQ did the next best thing – interviewed the Pennsylvania national guard troops who’ve been protecting him.
And behold – Saddam turns out to be a friendly man who insists he’s still President of Iraq, and who eats like an American teenager.
Raisin Bran Crunch for breakfast, Cheetos for snacks. Indeed when the Cheetos ran out he’d get grumpy – and since the last thing you want is a grumpy tyrant who might still be hiding WMDs, they gave him Doritos and found he could eat the family size bag in ten minutes.
Damn! We should have been air dropping salty snacks all those years! He would’ve been too fat to escape!
He also goes through the Diaper wipes, we’re told -- uses them after shaking hands, wipes down lunch trays, even wipes off his forks before he eats. Pontius Pilate and Macbeth probably went through the diaper wipes too.
As for his impression of President Bush, he initially called him “no good” but more recently is reported to have said that he doesn't hold a grudge; he just wants to have a friendly talk with the President. Yeah, maybe fire off a few rounds together from the Truman balcony!
All in all, it’s remarkable. You can criticize America all you want; blame us for Abu Ghraib and call us brutes – but here’s Saddam, the man we spent 200 PLUS billion dollars to unseat, and we’re giving him Baby wipes, Doritos, and a personality profile in GQ. However… I don’t think he’ll be getting social security. 
Index 

CBS SOLSTICE
Moved: 6/17/2005 12:01
Use no hooks. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Today is the annual summer solstice parade in Seattle’s Fremont neighborhood – a non-conformist’s free for all with music, costumes, and the inevitable nudity.
But there is one display that you will NOT see this year. The group that last year pulled their float using ropes attached to shark hooks embedded in their backs:
MILLER: Apparently it did disturb a few people, yes.”
Freemont Arts Council President Monica Miller… who said the “hook people” will not be allowed to suspend one of their members from the yardarm of a pirate ship as they had planned to do this year.
HAHN: It is their parade, they do get to make that choice, but I really thought the parade was about opening up to new things, making bold statements, not trying to stay inside that box.”
David Hahn, who calls his group PURE, People Undergoing Real Experiences.
HAHN: Pain is merely an electrical impulse that goes through your brain, endorphins and adrenalin are something else. ROSS: But the first time, didn’t you like say why am I doing this? HAHN: Absolutely. But one of the biggest things in life that people like to overcome is fear.”
He was inspired by a native American ceremony in which a man is lifted using eagle claws embedded in the chest; saw it in a movie when he was young, and finally at age 25, started doing it himself:
Now, testing the limits of his own skin has become his passion:
HAHN: Your skin is the largest organ on your body and it’s very very amazing. ROSS: When you go to the dentist, does he skip the Novocain with you? HAHN: Absolutely not. Dentists are one of my biggest fears.”
Now you see, THERES the injustice. Banning the hook people from the solstice parade, but allowing DENTISTS. 
Index 

CBS HOMEWARD
Moved: 6/17/2005 12:00
Homeward Bound. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
The official view of the White House is that the insurgents in Iraq are getting more desperate by the day:
Q: “What is the evidence that the insurgency is in its last throes? McCLELLAN: “Well I think I just explained to you the desperation of the terrorists”
The suicide bombs are considered proof of that growing desperation.
But four members of Congress, two Democrats and two Republicans, have concluded that keeping our soldiers in Iraq is actually creating insurgents faster than those soldiers can kill them. And so they’ve introduced a resolution:
KUCINICH: It’s called Homeward Bound. It’s about saying come home. You’ve done your job. Come home.
-- Representative Dennis Kucinich – who made bringing the troops home the theme of his unsuccessful Presidential campaign. But the reporters who packed yesterday’s news conference weren’t there to see him. They were there to see Walter Jones – the conservative Republican who broke ranks with his own party on Sunday:
JONES: I can honestly tell you that since I was on George Stephanopoulous’ show last week I have had at least seven to eight members of the Republican party to come to me in the last two days and to say I am going to look carefully at your resolution.”
And the White House has taken notice. At Thursday’s briefing, Spokesman Scott McClellan was again invoking 911:
McCLELLAN: “Remember that this is a region where people came from that hijacked airplanes and flew them into buildings on September 11th.”
But Congressman Jones… was invoking God.
JONES: “I will never worry about doing what’s right. If doing what’s right means I don’t return to Congress, then it’s God’s will, and God knows my heart.”
Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQWITH
Moved: 6/16/2005 9:55
Never say exit! This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
It seems to have started with this man:
JONES: “We need to make a decision as to what the goals will be so that when we achieve those goals we can declare victory.”
-- Republican Congressman Walter Jones of North Carolina -- a supporter of the war in Iraq; the man who coined the term “Freedom Fries”-- declaring that it was time to set specific goals.
Add in the so-called Downing Street memo - the formerly-secret briefing document showing British and American officials actively inventing a case for a war – and suddenly there’s serious talk about an “exit strategy.” 
But if you really want the troops home, you must NEVER say “exit strategy.”
Listen again:
JONES: “We can declare victory.”
He used the V-word! If you want to bring the troops home, there is no “exit” there is only “Victory.” And I would submit we are on the verge of achieving that victory. I call Donald Rumsfeld to the stand:
RUMSFELD: “Instead of a vicious dictatorship … tens of thousands of bodies … there’s gonna be a piece of paper that people are going to have to put their faith in. That is an enormous thing.”
That’s from this week’s Pentagon briefing. Sounds like victory to me! You see -- you will NEVER get Congress to vote for an exit strategy. Because these colors don’t run. But I have every confidence that the same leaders who convinced a majority of Congress that Saddam had all those weapons can convince a majority of Congress that Victory is at hand… if they put their minds to it. If it’s worded in just the right way. In fact, I could see a victory sneaking up on us just in time for Christmas.
Take a memo. 
Index 

CBS DOWNING2
Moved: 6/15/2005 10:24
The web goes to work again. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Democrats will hold a Congressional hearing tomorrow on the so-called Downing Street Memo – a memo from July 2002 that was leaked before the British elections to embarrass Tony Blair, and which has now been lovingly embraced by US opponents of the Iraq war as proof the Bush Administration rushed in on flimsy evidence.
DEAN: “The most sacred responsibility, Dave, of any president is the responsibility over the decision to send our troops into battle.”
That’s Jim Dean, Democratic Chairman Howard Dean’s brother, and the head of DemocracyForAmerica.com, one of the web sites that’s been trying to get people to read the Downing Street Memo:
DEAN: “I think it basically is further confirmation that the proper due diligence was not done, and this is giving the president the benefit of the doubt.”
The memo includes these quotes: (QUOTE) “Military action was now seen as inevitable … (QUOTE) the intelligence and facts were being fixed around the policy. (QUOTE) (QUOTE) “A postwar occupation of Iraq could lead to a protracted and costly nation-building exercise. .. the US military plans are virtually silent on this point.”
That British and American officials were saying these things 8 months before the war proves that the decision to go in was a colossal mistake, says Jim Dean.
And yet – mistake or not, we’re there. So, alright, you get people outraged. Then what?
DEAN: “I think when you send troops into battle for this thing I think it’s an impeachable offense.”
But if somehow the Republican congress is disinclined to impeach, Jim Dean does have a plan B:
DEAN: “I would hope that they would vote for more Democrats, progressives and people who have a real responsibility about governing.”
Now This 
Index 

CBS JACKSON7
Moved: 6/14/2005 9:59
One less sleeper cell. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
A lot of people simply assumed that Michael Jackson had to be guilty:
Q: Is it really appropriate for a 44 year old man? JACKSON: That’s a beautiful thing. Q: That’s not a worrying thing? JACKSON: Who’s the criminal?
Not Michael Jackson, said the jury… because they found someone who looked even guiltier:

JUROR: What mother in her right mind would allow that to happen?”
The alleged victim’s mother:
JUROR: “She didn’t take her eyes off of us. So that was a very uncomfortable feeling.”
Not that they necessarily thought Michael Jackson was innocent:
JUROR: “I can’t believe this man would sleep in the same bedroom and not do something more than just watch television and eat popcorn.”
But the mother just went too far:
JUROR: “I disliked it intensely when she snapped her fingers at us. That’s when I thought, don’t snap your fingers at me, lady!”
For defense attorney Tom Mesereau, it was complete vindication:
MESEREAU: “I thought their whole case was bogus.”
Although he also says that just to be on the safe side, the sleepovers… are over.
And so Michael Jackson is a free to re-start his career. Play half time at the Superbowl again. Continue his charity work – 
SPECTATOR: “He’s Michael Jackson! He sang Beat It! I mean come on!”
-- perhaps provide free therapy for some of those people who gathered outside the courthouse each day.
And as for the rest of us – we are now forced to ask ourselves: if Michael told the truth about this – what else was he telling the truth about?
JACKSON: “I’m telling you the honest truth. I don’t do anything to my face. Q: Honestly? A: Honestly.”
THAT would be scary. 
Index 

CBS PATRIOT
Moved: 6/13/2005 12:11
The microphone is mightier than the gavel. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
It was a tense hearing Friday on renewal of the Patriot act. Democrats on the House Judiciary Committee wanted to air their grievances, and called witnesses like Chip Pitts of Amnesty International – who said the Patriot Act has been a green light for repressive regimes:
PITTS: Abusive governments globally including China, Cuba, Zimbabwe, Columbia, Egypt, Uzbekistan, now cite US actions to justify their own violations:
And after a couple of hours of this, the Republican chairman of the committee, James Sensenbrenner, had enough:
SENSENBRENNER: “The Patriot Act has nothing to do with Guantanamo Bay; The Patriot Act has nothing to do enemy combatants; The Patriot Act has nothing to do with indefinite detentions.”
And he gaveled the hearing to a close:
SENSENBRENNER: “So thank you all for coming today….”
Over Democrats’ objections he lumbered out, and the mikes were turned off. But Democrats like Rep Jerrold Nadler weren’t finished – and CSPAN kept broadcasting:
NADLER: “We are not besmirching the honor or tradition of the United States, we are seeking to uphold it.”
James ZOGBY of the Arab American Institute wasn’t finished either – and CSPAN kept broadcasting:
ZOGBY: “I’m really troubled about what kind of lesson this is going to teach to other countries in the world about how they ought to conduct an open society…”
And afterwards, I called Zogby, who pointed out one more thing -- that this had all been broadcast live on Arab television:
ZOGBY: “We just taught people around the world that maybe the governments in repressive regimes around the world, they’re doing it just like we do it. They’re not letting the opposition speak. They’re shutting off the microphones…”
Ah, but the world also saw that in America, you can never shut off ALL the microphones. Not as long as CPSAN keeps broadcasting. 
Index 

CBS WHITECHRISTIAN
Moved: 6/10/2005 12:49
He wasn’t slamming white Christians! This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Howard Dean says his comments about the Republicans weren’t intended to slam white Christians. In fact he pointed out that he IS a White Christian. And he welcomes white Christians to vote Democratic. Because Dr. Dean has a vision:
(SONG)

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>White Christian STEREO FINAL.mp3
Time: 79s
Out-cue: ]

I’m dreaming of a white Christian
Who’s just a little more like me
Folks whose halos glisten
Each time they listen
To Steven Spielberg… Barbara Streisand and Martin Sheen.
I’m dreaming of a white Christian
Who watches PBS each night
College educated and bright!
Folks like that might help this job not bite. 
Index 

CBS WHITECHRISTIAN
Moved: 6/10/2005 12:13
He wasn’t slamming white Christians! This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Howard Dean says his comments about the Republicans weren’t intended to slam white Christians. In fact he pointed out that he IS a White Christian. And he welcomes white Christians to vote Democratic. Because Dr. Dean has a vision:
(SONG)
I’m dreaming of a white Christian
Who’s just a little more like me
Folks whose halos glisten
Each time they listen
To Steven Spielberg… Barbara Streisand and Martin Sheen.
I’m dreaming of a white Christian
Who watches PBS each night
College educated and bright!
Folks like that might help this job not bite. 
Index 

CBS PULSE
Moved: 6/8/2005 11:10
News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. Sponsored by Posture D, calcium plus phosphorous for healthy bones. Posture D, in the orange box.
(MUSIC)
News Read Real Slow, the feature for those of you who think the reason the news is so baffling is that we announcers read too dang fast.
Dateline: TOLEDO, Ohio – She may be 91, but Katherine Woodworth wasn't about to let the young man who confronted her in a department store parking lot steal her purse. 
"I didn't have my hearing aid in,” Katherine said, “and I thought he said that he was going to take my pulse. Then he said it again, that he was going to take my purse, and I said, 'No, you're not.'"
Woodworth clobbered the would-be thief with her bag until he ran away, police said. He was later arrested.
Let’s read that again, REAL SLOW:
"I didn't have my hearing aid in,” Katherine said, “and I thought he said that he was going to take my pulse.
OK, now, I refuse to be even the slightest bit insensitive toward a 91 year old woman whose hearing aids are off.. But please – what could she have been thinking? Take my PULSE? 
Someone walks up to you in a parking lot and suddenly offers to take your PULSE? DO we have roaming street doctors now? On cardiovascular patrols?
This is AMERICA – Nobody is going to walk up and offer to take your pulse for free! They would take your insurance information first!
If a stranger walks up and says I’d like to take your insurance information, THAT you can believe. 
See, the news reveals many hidden meanings when you read it… REAL SLOW.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS BULLIES
Moved: 6/7/2005 10:01
The bullies meet their match. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
There was a problem in Lansing Michigan. Kids walking to and from school were being bullied:
"We had name-calling, we had pushing and shoving. (SHORTENED)
And realizing that anti-social children can grow into anti-social adults, parents wanted to do something about it:
So Lansing Police Chief Mark Alley worked with a group of parent volunteers to set up “Parents on Patrol”— a parental brigade with zero tolerance for bullying: 
“We had some fights, and what we found is that just the presence of the police or a person authority, adults of authority really took care of the majority of those problems." (:17)
The Lansing PD provided parents with a police cell phone, a special Parents on Patrol Jacket – and – here’s the cool part -- a police car.
They get instructions on how to work the flashing yellow lights, and then they’re off to patrol the Elementary School and the Middle school – watching for teasing, taunting, pushing and shoving. 
Anything they see, they radio in.
But the idea is not to bring the cops running just because little Jimmy pulls little Jessica’s hair. The hope is that just being there will do the job.
"When the kids saw that marked volunteer car that they acted appropriately." (:06)
You see? As parents we plunge into child rearing with very little preparation wondering what it takes you get those little monsters to behave. And it turns out to be oh, so simple. All a parent needs -- is a police cruiser with flashing yellow lights. 
“Step Away from your sister, and untie the cat.”
Yeah – a bull horn wouldn’t hurt either. 
Index 

CBS SADDAMT3
Moved: 6/6/2005 8:53
Slam dunk. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
With the Michael Jackson trial wrapped up, the world is ready for the next big one – the trial of Saddam. The Iraqi government is under pressure to do SOMETHING to discourage the car bombers and the mortar-lobbers, and so Saddam’s trial is on the fast track. Or what passes for the fast track. 
They expect to have him dressed and ready to go in about two months.
And it promises to be one of the more satisfying examples of courtroom payback. You’ve got about 500 charges pending, but prosecutors are leaving nothing to chance.
They plan to concentrate on a dozen thoroughly documented cases that authorities believe are a slam dunk.
Among them:
--Killing and deporting 8,000 members of a Kurdish tribe, whose members have grown pretty powerful in the new Iraq.
--The 1988 chemical weapons attack on the Kurdish town of Halabja 
-- And of course, ordering the seven-month occupation of Kuwait and then losing the Mother of All Battles.
Saddam plans to claim Presidential Immunity -- that all these misdeeds were committed in his official capacity, and so he wasn't personally accountable. He was simply following orders. They were his OWN orders, but he was simply following them.
And yes, sure he dragged people away and shot them, but at least the air conditioning worked back then.
No, let’s face it, any prosecutor who can’t get a conviction against Saddam Hussein needs to consider a career change.
Of course Saddam could be pretty intimidating in the courtroom. But we all know how to deal with intimidating people, don’t we -- just imagine them naked. And in Saddam’s case that won’t be hard to do, will it?
Now this. 
Index 

CBS MOVEON
Moved: 6/3/2005 15:10
MoveOnPAC puts Tom Delay in the crosshairs, but why? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
The MoveOn PAC – which raises money to support candidates of the non-Conservative persuasion, has started a “Fire Tom Delay” petition, arguing that the House Majority leader should be fired for a range of indiscretions. Among the accusations -- that he: 
Accepted trips from corporations and later helped kill legislation they opposed 
Accepted trips from the lobbyist for a foreign government in violation of House rules 
Paid family members more than $500,000 out of campaign contributions 
Helped sweatshops in the Mariana Islands at the behest of a lobbyist. 
Oh, I hope you’re covering the children’s ears. So the MoveOn PAC has collected close to 483,000 signatures, in addition to running spots in Republicans districts to pressure members of DeLay’s own party to kick him out.
I have only one question for the people at the MoveOn PAC, which is running this anti-Tom Delay Campaign – are you NUTS? This guy is a Godsend to your cause! If this list of yours is accurate, he’s almost like having Richard Nixon back – except unlike Nixon, he can’t even TRY to shut down these investigations!
If you get rid of Tom Delay, the Republicans are just SNEAKY enough they might put in some bi-partisan compromise-spewing John McCain type who everybody would love, and then you’re screwed!
I mean listen to this:
DELAY: If you want to empower women in America, give ‘em a gun.”
Stuff like that is fund raising catnip!
Now this. 
Index 

CBS JACKSON6
Moved: 6/3/2005 15:09
Closing arguments at last. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
The Michael Jackson case finally goes to the jury – which means that huge chunks of the 24 hour news cycle will soon go to black.
These ordinary men and women will now have to decide whether Jackson is sufficiently weird to be imprisoned at state expense -- or was he the victim of a gold-digging Mom willing to rent out her son as Michael’s personal Cabbage Patch kid?
For those who think the Mom is at fault, the prosecution pointed out that for all her shortcomings, after learning Michael was giving her son alcohol, she had him out of there in 36 hours! A day an a half after learning he’d been drinking. The sleepover, OK, but the drinking! THAT’s where a good parent draws the line.
Of course on Michael’s side you have the argument that these were innocent non-sexual sleepovers – which we all know are possible. As kids we all participated in non-sexual sleepovers, although very few of your sixth grade friends were over 40.
As for the jury – it’s under pressure too -- acquittal might send a message that the rich are immune from justice. Child molesters might take the hint and instead of BLENDING IN as they tend to do now, they’d have extensive facial surgery and dress like a cadet at the Bizarro Prep Academy.
But however it turns out, there are lessons to be learned, and I think the chief lesson is that all parents are on notice:
When an aging has-been rock star who lives with orangutangs, giraffes, and a free roller coaster invites your child to spend the night, and you notice that he’s wearing a glove on only ONE of his hands... have your child pack a pair of Kevlar pajamas, with the lockable security zipper option. It’s a little difficult to sew in the name label, I know, but it's just good parenting. Now this. 
Index 

CBS TRUST
Moved: 6/2/2005 10:26
Inhaling trust. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Oxytocin is a crucial human hormone. It stimulates labor, induces milk production, and, most important, encourages bonding. It’s the hormone that makes mothers want to care for their babies – the hormone of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
--And this inspired scientists in Zurich to test whether it might have OTHER uses as well. Could it get people to bond with -- and trust – strangers?
So they ran an experiment. Students playing the role of investors were given a small stash of money, and were then invited by other students in the role of trustees to INVEST some of that money without the promise of ANY profit.
Half of the investors were spritzed with an oxytocin nasal spray, the other half with a placebo – and look at this: among those who got the real thing: almost HALF became so trusting, they invested the maximum amount.
Now according to the story – scientists hope to use this spray to treat … AUTISM. 
That’s why they conducted an experiment based on INVESTING MONEY with no promise of a return.
So they can treat autism. But come on. We all know the REAL reason to develop a spray that makes people more trusting about money:
BUSH: “I’m going to continue traveling our country talking about Social security reform.”
The polls show an almost irrational resistance to the idea… in BOTH parties! Despite repeated Presidential assurances:
BUSH: “They’re going to get their check.”
And I’m beginning to think that this lack of trust is a hormonal imbalance.
A little oxytocin … maybe finding its way into a congressional cloakroom:
BUSH: “I recognize some in Congress wish I hadn’t brought the issue up.”
All that could change! (BUZZ) PSYCH! I’m joking of course. An invisible odorless trust spray would only be used to treat autism.
Trust me. Take a deep breath, and trust me.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS DEEPTHROAT
Moved: 6/1/2005 10:46
Deep Throat Reveals Generational Divide. This is Dave Ross.

I was in the newsroom as the word went out about Deep Throat. And the split was immediate. 

Among those over 40, like me: a ripple of recognition. UNDER 40 -- a ripple of cluelessness.

Now frankly, I’d never heard of Mark Felt, but at least I understood why the story was leading every newscast. PLUS, my mind began to fill with OTHER names --John Dean, John Ehrlichman, HR Haldeman, Alexander Butterfield, Richard Kleindienst.

Names which now draw mostly blank stares. Similar my own expression when somebody brings up American Idol.

And you try to explain – look, kids, Deep Throat was the ultimate source – a highly-placed official who had access to confidential information about a President who was engaged in a coverup, and who turned out to be a crook…

Until you realize it’s futile. And not just because there’s a whole generation too young to remember -- but because they figure it happens every day now. And they’re right!

We are awash in informants claiming politicians are engaged in coverups. I believe it's called the Internet. And we don’t call them “informants,” we call them “authors with six-figure advances.”

Although frankly – none of it matches Watergate. That’s when scandals were scandals. Before campaign spending rules, when politicians had dirty tricks slush funds and money was laundered through Mexican bank accounts. 

Deep Throat was the Real Thing. A perfect storm of motive, opportunity, and history. The dream source that every journalist one day hopes to find on the other end of the phone line. A source who nudges you in the right direction, demands anonymity, and lets YOU write the book. 
Index 

CBS JIMWEST3
Moved: 5/31/2005 10:01
The gay mayor… who is against gay rights … goes national. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. Sponsored by Posture D, calcium plus phosphorous for healthy bones. Posture D, in the orange box.
There he was on the Today Show -- Jim West, the conservative Mayor of Spokane, a staunch opponent of gay rights legislation, admitting that he went trolling for dates with young men in a gay chat room.
WEST: “After my marriage broke up about nine years ago, I did have initimate relationships with both men and women.”
However, he says he will not resign, even though the Spokane city council clearly wants him to. He says there is NOTHING illegal about being gay and dating men, and he says he did NOT misuse the perks of his office to get those dates.
But he goes beyond that. He is asserting a right that you rarely hear politicians assert. The right to lead a double life. He told Today he was elected by conservative voters to represent a conservative point of view:
WEST: “If you hire someone to paint your house blue, and tey think it ought to look better red, what color do you want your house to be painted.”
And so he did his job -- opposing gay rights legislation whenever it came up.
WEST: “The majority of the people in my district, that’s the way they feel.”
But he ALSO explained that it’s the way HE feels as well:
WEST: “And what’s wrong with somebody who has what’s called an alternative sexual orientation being a conservative.”
Nothing, he says. And to those who would call him a hypocrite:
WEST: “I’m not a closet liberal pretending to be a conservative; I’m a conservative.”
Jim West is a conservative republican politician running a conservative city who opposes gay rights, and who just turns out to be gay. Deal with it. Now if he had turned out to be LIBERAL – that WOULD be trouble. 
Index 

CBS JACKSON5
Moved: 5/25/2005 10:19
Our televised heritage… denied. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network Sponsored by Posture D, calcium plus phosphorous for healthy bones. Posture D, in the orange box.
Jay Leno’s appearance at the Michael Jackson trial serves an important function. It reminds us that the trial IS still going on.
In fact, it’s been going on … since the Oscars.
In that time, a rehabilitated Martha Stewart was released, baseball promised to get rid of steroids, the Senate voted to drill for oil among the Caribou in Alaska, Terri Schiavo died, the Pope died, the new pope was elected, the president held hands with the crown prince of Saudi Arabia, Jennifer Wilbanks ran away from her wedding then came back, the British held national elections, the cops tracked down the owner of the finger in the chili, DC went to red alert because of a wayward Cessna, a false sentence in Newsweek ruined sixty years of positive relations with the Muslm world, Saddam appeared in his underwear, the filibuster was saved, we continued winning the war in Iraq, and American Idol prove once again that Karaoke cannot be killed.
But how many of us know what happened during that same period at the Jackson trial? How many of us know that Michael’s nickname for money was “French fries,” that chimpanzees would help him clean his room, including a chimp named Bubbles, who Jackson claimed was not incontinent as former maids testified, but in fact was quite accomplished in the use of a flush toilet? That far from being a vegetarian Jackson would sometimes devote breakfast, lunch AND dinner to the consumption of Kentucky Fried Chicken, and that his pornographic magazine subscriptions included issues of “Women over 50” and “Plumpers?”
Because TV was banned from the courtroom, very few people know any of this, even though it was WAY more interesting than the stuff that WAS televised.
I hope we’ve learned our lesson.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS FILIBUSTER(2)
Moved: 5/25/2005 10:19
Never mind! This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Everything was ready. The cots had been delivered so Senators could spend the night. And then, it happened.
BYRD, GRAHAM, LIEBERMAN “…the bi-partisan center held!”
A compromise! Which basically says Republicans agree to keep the filibuster intact, and in exchange, the Democrats agree not to use it. That’s it? That’s all it took to prevent the nuclear option?
This is not fair to the news media! All those warnings, all the attack ads – I was beginning to believe the nuclear option might involve actual nukes! And now everybody’s friends again? It’s crazy! 
At the big news conference you had republicans deferring to democrats and democrats deferring to republicans:
PRYOR, WARNER, BYRD “I will defer… your turn is now!”
This is simply cloying. This is like a bad vaudeville act! A bunch of girlie men!
SUSAN COLLINS… “All of us love the United States Senate!”
Especially her!
I was ready for Intemperate rhetoric! Radioactive debate! Senatorial winter!
But no, they decided to put the so-called “good of the country first,” forgetting COMPLETELY about the needs of the cable channels and pundits like me.
PRYOR: “The 14 of us have sat down, looked at each other, shaken hands…”
Happily there are still some people out there, like Rev Patrick Mahoney:
MAHONEY: “Enough! A line is drawn in the sand here!”
…who might yet save us.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS FILIBUSTER
Moved: 5/18/2005 10:31
Will the filibuster survive? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
When Jimmy Stewart starred in Mr Smith goes to Washington, the Senate filibuster was the weapon that heroes used to prevent an injustice.
Later, during the civil rights movement, the filibuster was the weapon that cowards used -- to perpetuate an injustice.
Now, it’s the weapon that’s blocking the President’s judicial nominees, and Republicans say that’s unfair:
BILL FRIST: “Should we allow a minority of senators to deny votes to judicial nominees that have the support of a majority of this body?”
To which the Democrats say, well, yes. Because that’s the whole purpose of the filibuster!
HARRY REID: “It encourages moderation and consensus. It gives voice to the minority so cooler heads may prevail.”
The Democrats call ending the filibuster the nuclear option.
The Republicans call it the Constitutional option.
Most Americans call it really boring TV and will not be watching. Because we only tune in for stuff that actually affects us. The Democrats say that it will, eventually – since these judges get lifetime appointments. And if one of them ends up on the Supreme Court – they worry that abortion rights could disappear, injured workers could lose their right to sue, and the landscape could be abloom with monuments to the Ten Commandments. 
But whatever happens to the filibuster, Senators still have to stand for election. And if these Republican-endorsed judges are as wild and crazy as the Democrats say -- they could be the best thing that’s happened to the Democratic party since Watergate. 
Index 

CBS NEWSWEEK
Moved: 5/17/2005 9:23
Now we know. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
Newsweek magazine has now retracted that sentence alleging that American interrogators flushed the Koran at Guantanamo Bay. Although, it doesn’t sound like a deeply-felt retraction. To quote Newsweek’s editor: “In order for people to understand we had made an error, we had to say 'retraction' because that's the word they were looking for."
And the White House is certainly not satisfied, because as White House spokesman Scott McClellan pointed out:
McCLELLAN: “The image of the United States abroad has been damaged by this report.”
How could you, Newsweek? Damaging our image abroad! Here we were finally winning over the Muslim world, and you screw it up.
At least now we know the answer to the question “Why do they hate us?’ It was Newsweek! One careless sentence in Newsweek. If not for that, radical Muslims might be lined up around the block for Democracy classes! 
But Newsweek had to spoil it all.
I know the White House wants more than a retraction, but frankly I’m not sure WHAT Newsweek can do now. If our image has suffered as much damage as the White House says, perhaps the President himself should stand up and declare flat out that no American military interrogator has EVER abused the Koran.
Considering how well things had been going -- up to now anyway -- the President should have WAY more credibility with Muslims than Newsweek magazine. 
In the meantime, no question, Newsweek has some investigating to do. Because it’s clear: Afghanistan exploded, and Newsweek lit the match. And hey – if they dig deep enough -- maybe they’ll find out who left the gas on all night. 
Index 

CBS OLDFINGER
Moved: 5/16/2005 10:59
Cracking the great Chili Caper. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
POLICE SPOKESMAN: “The jig is up”
Yes, the San Jose police had bad news for Anna Ayala, the woman who claimed she found a finger in her Chili and tried to file a claim against Wendy’s:
It was a clever caper. (MUSIC –“GOLDFINGER”) Just not clever enough.
This is how is how it went down:
See her husband was friends with a man
Who had lost a small piece of his hand
So she hatched a plan, and got him to bring her
What one might describe as an OLD FINGER…
Which she hoped would be like a Midas Touch -- 
For her lunch.
POLICE: “He lost a small part of his finger in an industrial accident”
But the scam started coming unhooked
For the finger had never been cooked 
The reporters swarmed, and begged her to linger 
But she flipped them off – 
AYALA: “Now I’m very angry”
-- using her own finger.
AYALA: “Where would I get a damn finger, for God’s sake?”
Pretty girl, the tables have been reversed.
(There’s lesson here, you know): Cook it first! 
Index 

CBS CARCHASE
Moved: 5/13/2005 11:37
Another live car chase – and TV agonizes. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Did you see the car chase in Los Angeles where the suspect was shot – on live TV?
Of course you did. Well, all but the actual impact of the bullet because the newscasts censored that as part of the new journalistic tradition which is that it’s OK to show a car chase, but not the part where the guy dies.
But of course why is it that so many people tune in to live car chases? Because they know the guy MIGHT die. Because its live, and anything could happen. It’s not the usual canned reality, its real reality. It’s NASCAR without the safety cage.
And its inevitable in a news business driven by ratings.
I saw a News Director who elected NOT to broadcast the chase interviewed on CNN. He said he chose not to broadcast it because he could see it was going to end badly. It was so quaint – hearing a news director say that the prospect of graphic violence was the reason NOT to broadcast something.
Because that’s what the crowds want. News station have trained us to expect breaking news every half hour or so. When you’re constantly promising breaking news, you actually have to show some once in a while.
No, the car chases are here to stay. Because they’re the only real violence TV is allowed to show anymore. You’ve got all that footage from Iraq, but showing too much of that looks unpatriotic, so car chases are it.
Plus – it’s the one TV genre the FCC won’t stop -- since car chases hardly ever involve exposed breasts. Although stay tuned – it could happen. It’s live after all.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS BASECLOSURES
Moved: 5/13/2005 11:36
The Pentagon’s Battle of the Bulge. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Americans hate government waste. They hate it with a passion. They hate it 24-7-365. Well actually 24-7-364. The exception being TODAY, Friday the 13th, the day the Pentagon announced which bases it no longer needs.
Today, many of the cities on the list will begin a furious lobbying effort to keep those bases open.
Now -- keep in mind, these are bases even the Pentagon considers a WASTE OF MONEY. That’s saying something. These are bases whose closing would actually IMPROVE national security. This is the Pentagon trying to GIVE MONEY BACK.
But the Pentagon is not permitted to give money back without first getting the approval of the Base Realignment and Closure Commission… whose phone lines will be ringing non stop with members of Congress trying to argue that closing their base is just the opening al Qaeda’s been waiting for.
The Commission tries very hard to reassure the unhappy cities. It’s web sites is one of the cheerier web sites you’ll find – packed with stories about cities that lost bases and came out of it just fine.
The Charleston Naval Complex was closed in 1993, people were all doom and gloom, but today there’s a gleaming new industrial park.
In Austin Texas…Bergstrom AFB was closed – but the locals floated a bond issue and turned it into a new airport.
But no matter – even though the Pentagon by its own estimate has 25% more base capacity than it needs, the fight to maintain bloated government is officially on. You see – it turns out that taxpayers don’t REALLY hate government waste. What they hate is OTHER PEOPLE’s government waste. Their own -- they like just fine, thank you.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS CESSNA2
Moved: 5/12/2005 10:29
What the REAL war might look like. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. Sponsored by Tri-Omega, pure and concentrated Omega-3 supplement. If it doesn’t say Tri-Omega, throw it back!
Anybody with a television now knows in minute detail everything that happened between 11:28 and 12:14 yesterday.
Bottom line: Al Qaeda had better forget the single Cessna option, because we’re all over that. 
Now you can debate whether Homeland Security should have let it get as close as it did -- whether a suicide crash into the White House was worse than fiery debris in the suburbs, etc., but the evacuation worked, and it all ended peacefully. The plane was not filled with explosives or germs or chemicals, just navigational incompetence.
It was all over so quickly, the secret service didn’t even have to interrupt the president’s bike ride.
The only thing that WASN’T over quickly was, of course, the TV coverage. It was clear the TV coverage would continue until the nation had utterly exhausted its supply of former FBI agents.
But it’s no mystery why they would do this. 
Just coincidentally, the Pew Research Center released another one of its reports yesterday on why people vote the way they do, and it concluded yet again that the 2004 election hinged on terrorism and national security.
And it wasn’t just Republican voters who voted for the President based on those issues—he also attracted swing voters and Democrats.
You see, Americans may disagree on social security, and Iraq, and even Paula Abdul. But we are pretty unanimous that 9/11 must never happen again.
And what they saw yesterday was a test of the government’s ability to protect us from the REAL threat. We got a glimpse of what the REAL war might look like.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS PENSION
Moved: 5/11/2005 9:58
And we thought Social Security was in trouble! This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
As part of United Airlines’ struggle to emerge from bankruptcy, a judge has given the airline permission to release its employee pension plan and allow it to plummet into the government’s safety net. United employees will now rely on the Pension Benefit Guaranty Corporation – which was set up 30 years ago to guarantee pensions.
Now, the Pension Benefit Guaranty Corporation is huge -- with assets of 38.9 billion dollars. Unfortunately, its liabilities are HUGE-er: 62.2 billion. So while it does, as the name implies, GUARANTEE your pension, it doesn’t guarantee it ALL. You see. It’s one of those cases where the safety net needs a safety net.
United’s pilots will see the biggest cut, but the other employees aren’t happy either. Even though United is an employee-owned company. A spokesman for the Mechanics described his members as “beyond angry;” the flight attendants are talking strike; and I imagine that the ramp workers and customer service agents are also having a little trouble finding their bliss today.
Plus now, you have United’s competitors thinking that in order to compete, THEY’LL have to unload THEIR retirement plans too.
Which means Congress would have to further boost the premiums paid by pension plans, which will discourage employers from offering pension plans to begin with. Bottom line…. Take good care of yourself and keep your skills sharp because we may be experiencing slight delays in the arrival of our golden years.
In the meantime, my advice to you when you fly -- if the cabin’s too warm or the pillows are too hard, or there are too many broken pretzels in the honey-roasted snack mix ... you might want to keep that to yourself for the next few weeks. 
Now this. 
Index 

CBS NORTHKOREA
Moved: 5/9/2005 11:18
Is North Korea nuking up? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
In looking for the scariest story to comment on today, I guess it has to be this item about North Korea: could North Korea be about to test a nuclear weapon?
Unlike Iran and the old Iraq, which were coquettish about their nuclear desires, North Korea came right out in February and declared it had reached nuclear puberty, and indeed our satellites have picked up heightened activity at certain suspicious sites.
We have therefore been urging the neighborhood to do something.
But our satellites picked up slam dunk information BEFORE as you may remember, and the neighborhood, that being China and South Korea, doesn’t seem convinced.
Well, who knows the truth here? What we do know is that since our own country embarked on nuclear weaponry, we’ve built at least 70,000 nuclear weapons, used exactly two of them, and we still can’t make other countries do what we want.
And now we have to clean up the mess from all the weapons we didn’t use.
And just totaling up the various waste cleanup programs here in the US, some of which stretch over the next 65 years, we’re talking costs of at least 152 billion dollars. Just the cleanup.
North Korea’s total gross national product is all of 31 billion. That’s less than the GDP of Rhode Island.
If North Korea DOES have nukes – it’s hard to know whether to fear them, or pity them.
Of course, what’s even scarier here is that if North Korea can truly afford nuclear weapons with only a 31 billion dollar gross domestic product – so can Rhode Island.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS SCANDAL
Moved: 5/5/2005 10:15
Steeped in scandal. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
We just seem to be surrounded by sexual scandal lately.
There’s the perpetual story of Michael Jackson and his juvenile harem. That’s become a permanent news fixture.
And there’s Lynndie England – the 22 year old thumbs-up poster private for the Abu Ghraib kennel club.
The military judge rejected her guilty plea for abusing Iraqi detainees, but never mind the detainees – it turns out there’s a whole series of naughty snapshots showing her in lewd acts involving her supervisor Charles Graner, the man who ended up fathering her son.
The naked prisoner pyramid and the leashed Iraqi were merely … dessert! Well, at least it was a completely heterosexual dessert, and therefore not harmful to unit cohesion.
Ah, but just when you think all is lost, you turn on the TV and find there ARE some young people who DO have their values system screwed on straight:
JOHN QUINONES/COREY CLARK: You had sex with Paula Abdul. Yeah I did. She was a judge on the show. Yeah she was. Did you see anything wrong with that? Of course! That’s why we were keeping it a secret!
You see? Now, that young Corey Clark -- there’s a guy who knows right from wrong. Sure he claims to have had sex with American Idol judge Paula Abdul while he was a contestant, but two years later, he’s stepping up to admit it … sending the unmistakable message: kids, stay in school, don’t sleep with Abdul. By the way, he’s also got a new recording, and a book:
QUINONES/CLARK: Is this a publicity stunt for you? No this is just me telling the truth.”
Ah, truth… there’s nothing like it.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS REAL ID
Moved: 5/4/2005 11:34
Drivers licenses get REAL. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
The REAL ID act has been attached to the 81 billion dollars in petty cash for the war in Iraq, which means it’s about to become law.
And once it does, there will be federal standards for drivers’ licenses, so that terrorists can’t get them. Yup, read it and weep al Qaeda. Once this kicks in, you’ll have to provide a birth certificate, photo id card, proof of Social Security number and a document with full name and address. You’ll NEVER be able to come up with those. Which means you’ll have to drive your car bombs WITHOUT a valid license! And THAT is a gross misdemeanor. Oh, the hellacious fine we are gonna slap on your remains!
The OTHER group targeted by the REAL ID act is illegal immigrants, who will ALSO have a hard time getting licenses, and therefore will finally do what they should have been doing all along – commute to the fruit orchards using rapid transit.
As for the rest us? As long as your state complies you’ll able to use your driver’s license to board a plane, just as you do now.
I have only TINY criticism. I appreciate that Congress would want to require a driver’s license that certifies you’re OK to fly, but I wish they’d spent a little time designing a driver’s license that certifies you’re OK to DRIVE.
I mean -- you parallel park between two cones in a cul-de-sac – and PRESTO! We trust you to keep your temper during rush hour.
REAL ID? A REAL license would test people under REAL conditions. Make them park… while finishing breakfast. Cut them off at an exit and see if they pull a gun.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS RUNAWAY2
Moved: 5/4/2005 11:33
Oh Jennifer Wilbanks --- what have you done? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network, Sponsored by Posture D, calcium plus phosphorous for healthy bones. Posture D, in the orange box.
Oh Jennifer – you ran away from the altar and lied about it, and now, you must pay in the court of public ridicule. The billboard which last week displayed a number to call for information on your whereabouts now has an update banner slapped across it reading “Case solved -- cold feet,” with a cartoon bride hiking her gown, grabbing her veil and hi-tailing it from the altar.
It COULD’VE said “prayers answered” but it didn’t.
And on eBay, you’ll find a pair of used runaway bride running shoes and a piece of toast … that by some miracle features your likeness. Bidding up to $25.
There’s also the "Runaway Bride Wedding Kit”, with scissors, hair-dye, sunglasses and toy blue van – for $38.
You see, Jennifer, no one can conceive that a 32 year old woman would do what you’ve done. It wasn’t just cold feet; it was dereliction of duty. But you’ve come to your senses now. And don’t worry -- your fiancé has forgiven you – he says you’re awesome, just a little confused.
The first thing he did was put the diamond back on your finger:
JOHN MASON: “The first thing I gave to her when I saw her was her diamond back. I made sure she put it on. She put it right on her finger.”
Yeah! Even made sure you put it on!
Which should end any confusion. Yet according to the police you haven’t quite apologized:
CARTER BRANK, GBI: “She didn’t come right out and apologize, she didn’t feel like she’d done anything wrong.”
What’s with that? Relax kiddo – it can be like all this never happened. You can have the wedding, the guests, the bridesmaids – PLUS now, every cable channel will be there.
What woman wouldn’t want that!
Now this. 
Index 

CBS RUNAWAY
Moved: 5/2/2005 10:47
Prodigal bride. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. Sponsored by Tri-Omega, pure and concentrated Omega-3 supplement. If it doesn’t say Tri-Omega, throw it back!
At first people thought Jennifer Wilbanks of Duluth, Georgia had been abducted. Not surprising, since that’s what she told 911:
WILBANKS 911 CALL: “I was kidnapped”
But she was not kidnapped. She had abducted herself by bus to Albuquerque rather than face the society wedding that was set to include 14 bridesmaids, 14 groomsmen, and 600 guests. And now, she faces the music for refusing to face the music:
VARIOUS DULUTH RESIDENTS: “To … have all these volunteers go out // It was such a selfish act // I think this will stick with her her whole life.”
It sure will. But so would the marriage.
Before we had abduction-obsessed cable channels, this would have been strictly a local scandal – but as long as it’s out there, someone might as well say it: there ought to be a lot more brides who did what Jennifer Wilbanks did. Not fabricate an abduction, but hop the bus to Albuquerque. Because a lot of people are getting married who shouldn’t.
Today the likelihood of a new marriage ending in divorce is about 40%. Jennifer’s own parents are among the statistics.
And for all the aggravation of the phony abduction, what about the social aggravation of a million kids each year who see their parents split up?
All Jennifer did was give some searchers a little exercise, and prevent 14 young women from wearing a dress they hated.
And to all the people who prayed for her safe return – when God answers your prayers, should you be quibbling about the details?
Now this. 
Index 

CBS REFINERY
Moved: 4/27/2005 9:36
The president refines his energy policy. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network, Sponsored by Tri-Omega, pure and concentrated Omega-3 supplement. If it doesn’t say Tri-Omega, throw it back!
A day after the Saudi Crown Prince blamed high gas prices on our lack of refinery capacity, President Bush is proposing building new refineries. Man, THAT didn’t take long! When you want something done, send a Saudi crown prince.
They’d be built on closed military bases… I guess because the environmentalists won’t think to look there.
Well, I typed the word REFINERY into the Sierra Club web site, and they don’t appear to appreciate refineries ANYWHERE they’re located. I didn’t read every hit, but most of them appeared to be distinctly hostile. And for every dirty refinery, they display a little black smokestack.
Then I saw a link to the source of all this information.
And I clicked on it. You know where all these anti-refinery facts are coming from? A site called the Toxics Release Inventory: “fast and easy access to data on chemical releases.” Right there on the home page, there’s a little box which says, “If you want information about toxic chemical releases in your neighborhood enter your Zip code here.” Talk about subversive. And you know who runs that web site? A little organization called … the US Environmental Protection Agency! (SFX: OMINOUS ORCHESTRAL CHORD)
There’s your smoking gun! There’s why you have trouble building refineries! Too much accurate pollution information! You either have to stop collecting all that damning data, or collect it and then just shred it.
Or – hmmm. You COULD just build really clean refineries… (SFX: DING)
Now this. 
Index 

CBS SAUDIGAS2
Moved: 4/26/2005 11:34
The President and the prince talk oil. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
President George W. Bush, and His Royal Highness Crown Prince Abdullah bin Abdulaziz Al-Saud smiled and walked hand in hand through the blossoming blue bonnets at the Crawford ranch to talk about oil prices.
And it appears that as a result of their discussion the price you see when you visit the pump this week will be about – the same.
Because it turns out the problem isn’t Saudi Arabia.
Saudi Arabia, said the Prince, IS ready to pump more oil in the long run – but that doesn’t mean we can blame the Saudis blame for the high gas prices we’re seeing now.
Because the problem with the gas prices we’re seeing now, said a senior adviser to the Prince, is not in Saudi Arabia, but right here in the US:
ADEL AL JUBEIR: "It will not make a difference if Saudi Arabia ships an extra million or two million barrels of crude oil to the United States if you cannot refine it, it will not turn into gasoline, and that will not turn into lower prices."
If you cannot refine it, it will not turn into gasoline. 
Hmmm. Did he just call us stupid?
We know that! We know that if you don’t have enough refineries to turn the oil into gas you won’t have the gas. What do you take us for? 
In fact, I’m betting that’s exactly why the President wanted to meet with the prince, so the prince could remind us of the fact that you need to refine oil into gas before you can put it in your car. Thank you very much your highness. Have a safe trip home, we appreciate your help on the refinery thing, and by the same token, if you ever need any help with democracy, you have our number! Now this. 
Index 

CBS GASTAX2
Moved: 4/25/2005 9:30
At beginning of the legislative session my advice to the Democrats was to pass statewide performance audits, and don’t raise taxes.

Well, they passed the performance audits -- in fact, there will be a citizens panel empowered to give performance grades to state agencies – but they also raised taxes:
GREGOIRE: “No sales tax, no B&O tax, no property tax.”
No, none of those. But they did re-impose an estate tax, and raise taxes on smokes and booze to raise money for smaller class sizes.
I told them – I said if you don’t want people to think you’re the party of tax and spend, you have to NOT tax, and NOT spend. Period.
And I was trying to figure out what got into them – and in listening to the Governor I realized… they simply found themselves in the grip of the new Christian morality crusading against sin and materialism:
GREGOIRE: “If you’re not a millionaire, and there are about 250 of them a year, if you’re not a smoker, and if you don’t drink hard alcohol, or if you’d like to choose not to if you’d like to drink wine instead or beer, there’s no impact on the citizens in the State of Washington at all.”
As on the gas tax increase…
GREGOIRE:… “We’re on the brink of disaster.”
DO you recognize that argument? It’s the same “Security Mom” argument that the Republicans used in the last election:
GREGOIRE: “I could never live with myself if that bridge went down or that viaduct went down and I had not done everything I could to make sure that didn’t happen.”
So the only people who could possibly be against these taxes are people who have piles of money, who are addicted to nicotine, who drink hard liquor, and who don’t care if the highways collapse. The session is over – let the debate begin. 
Index 

CBS SAUDIGAS
Moved: 4/25/2005 9:30
Give us oil or else. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Sponsored by Posture D, calcium plus phosphorous for healthy bones. Posture D in the orange box.
President Bush is has a very special guest at the Crawford Ranch -- Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia. It’ll be a democracy-spreading session, no doubt. But we’re also told there may be some discussion of oil prices.
Because the President wants to make sure Saudi Arabia is doing its part as a good ally. Last week he said he didn’t think Saudi Arabia was pumping all it could, and promised to push for a straight answer.
He even gave the Saudis a little marketing advice, saying that ''If they pinch the world economy too much, it'll affect their ability to sell crude oil in the long run.”
Which I’m sure gave them pause.
Of course the Saudis deny they’re holding out – they point out that demand for oil is rising in places that didn’t used to have a lot of cars – places like China and India.
But suppose for a moment they ARE holding out. What kind of pressure could WE put on the 82 year old crown prince.
How would that conversation will go.
The President and the Prince are at the ranch, dabbing the barbecue from their lips and the President says – so Prince, we think you may be holding out on us, how about pumping more oil.
At which point the Prince says, “OR you’ll do what?”
And the President could say ... we might just raise mileage standards. Except Congress voted that down.
We’ll get unlimited supplies from Iraq once democracy takes hold! But too much laughter is bad for a man the Prince’s age.
I know -- we’ll withhold the secrets of Democracy. THAT might do it.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS RATZING2
Moved: 4/20/2005 9:37
Piety meets anxiety. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Boy, for a country that has supposedly banned God from the public square, there has sure been a lot of coverage of religion lately.
And most of it is centered on just how conservative Pope Benedict XVI might be.
There seems to be a genuine fear that he’s planning to hurl lightning bolts at women and gay people, to say nothing of Democrats.
The main concern appears to be that as Cardinal Ratzinger, he was head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith -- the organization which once upon a time was known as the Inquisition. He was the protector of the Catholic Trademark. And in that position he wrote a letter before the last election which said that Catholic politicians who consistently campaign and vote for permissive abortion and euthanasia laws should be denied communion.
This would not be to pass judgment on their guilt, he said, but rather a simple acknowledgement of the politician’s “public unworthiness.”
Which sounds pretty uncompromising. But here’s the key. The Pope may be surrounded by the most elaborate ceremonies and traditions of any religious leader -- the conclave, the smoke, the bells – but he can’t tax you, he can’t draft you, he can’t arrest you. 
If you’re a Catholic, he can excommunicate you -- after due process -- but he can’t take your passport, execute a search warrant on your home, or declare you an enemy combatant. He can exhort you, encourage you, warn you -- but he can’t make you. 
His moral powers may be considerable, but his earthly powers are limited to deciding where you can comfortably spend your Sunday morning. Not a bad system.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS OKLAHOMA
Moved: 4/19/2005 10:10
The search for serenity. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. Sponsored by Posture D; calcium plus phosphorous for healthy bones; Posture D in the orange box.
CHILDREN RECITING AT MEMORIAL SERVICE: “We come here to remember those who were killed, those who survived, and those changed forever.”
We all remember the first pictures that morning from Oklahoma City – it was hard to believe a bomb could be that big. The look of shock in the faces… a white-haired man, spattered with blood, being helped down a ladder; a firefighter holding a dead child.
And then the bigger shock – that this was not the work of some outside group trying to scare the heartland. No, this was the work of someone from the heartland. And ex-military at that.
The investigation that followed… revealed a streak of anti-government resentment that had gone beyond dissent into full blown rabies.
I WAS at the federal penitentiary in Terre Haute when Timothy McVeigh was finally executed on June 11, 2001. It happened quietly … the large fields set aside for demonstrators for and against the death penalty went largely empty. And we all hoped our experience of terrorism would end there.
But as we found out exactly three months later, it would not.
Today, we live in a world struggling to recover the sense of sense of security that’s been stolen from us. But the survivors of the day care center who spoke at the memorial today were looking for something beyond security; something that can’t be stolen.
CHILDREN: “May this memorial offer comfort strength, peace, hope, and serenity.”
Now this. 
Index 

CBS FILLINBLANKS
Moved: 4/18/2005 9:53
Time once again to Fill In The Blanks. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. Fill in the Blanks, featuring a news story that we’ve all heard so many times that even ordinary people like you can fill in the … BLANKS.
I knew you’d catch on!
Today’s subject: “Airport Security still stinks.” According to the New York Times, a pair of government studies on airport security has concluded yet again that airport security …STILL STINKS.
Yes. After comparing airports staffed by federal screeners versus airports staffed by private screeners, the reports conclude that there’s …NO DIFFERENCE.
Even though in a typical month, federal screeners confiscate about 160,000… KNIVES, about 2,000 …BOX CUTTERS, and about 70 …GUNS, the latest reports say it’s …NOT ENOUGH.
Even though we’ve spent untold millions on super-sensitive X-Ray equipment, it’s …NOT ENOUGH. 
Even though the screeners have taken to wearing latex gloves, it’s …NOT ENOUGH.
That’s because Congress won’t be satisfied until every airline passenger gets a complete… RECTAL EXAM. And gets it … IN PUBLIC.
Yes. The only reason it isn’t done now is that some members of Congress think that would put us on a slippery slope toward … NATIONAL HEALTH CARE.
Right. So, while the experts decide how to fix this, airport screeners will continue doing …THE EXACT SAME THING.
They will make you remove your … LAPTOP COMPUTER, remove your …SHOES, and remove your …BELT.
It may not stop …THE TERRORISTS --- but it forces them to watch Americans trying to …FIND THEIR COMPUTERS, while they’re …BAREFOOT, and struggling to …HOLD THEIR PANTS UP.
Which might cause them to … DIE LAUGHING. 
Index 

CBS WATERKILL
Moved: 4/15/2005 10:13
Now look what can kill you! This is Dave Ross, on the CBS Radio Network.
Is there ANYTHING that people will not do to excess? We have warnings about the consequences of eating too much of this food, or that food, diet pills, vitamins, until you begin to get the idea that about the only safe thing you can ingest… is water – and yet now, people are even taking WATER too far.
We’re in a hydration craze. I go to meetings where people will hydrate themselves just to get through a Power Point presentation. And it seemed innocent enough – until now.
In 2002 a runner collapsed during the Boston Marathon, and ended up brain dead. And this week the New England Journal of Medicine released a study of the runners in that race which concluded the reason many of them fell ill was … too much water.
And the problem wasn’t the fast runners; it was with the runners who were slow enough to hit the water stations and tank up -- in some cases drinking so much, that they actually had GAINED weight by the end of the race.
62 of the runners in the study drank so much that they actually diluted their blood, and in three cases were in danger of dying: not because of over-exertion, but because of over-hydration, which can actually cause your BRAIN to swell, and suppress breathing.
As for the dehydration they were seeking to prevent -- an expert quoted in the New York Times, said that in the entire history of running, there is not one example of an athlete who died of dehydration in a competitive race.
See, it turns out the body deals well with simple exhaustion. It’s our attempts to keep it healthy that drive it nuts.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS TAX DAY
Moved: 4/15/2005 10:12
Just BILL me. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network, sponsored by Tri-omega, pure and concentrated Omega-3 Supplement. If it doesn’t say Tri-Omega, throw it back.
It’s tax day, a day devoted to stories about people lining up at midnight to mail their tax returns. And why is it that people put it off?
Because we’re OVER taxed? No. Actually we are UNDER taxed. Anytime a country has to borrow 400 billion dollars a year to balance its budget, it means people are UNDER taxed.
No, people don’t put it off because of the AMOUNT of tax. They put it off because they can’t stand the process of CALCULATING the tax.
You want to boot up your tax software and have the answer pop out. Except it’s never that simple, because there are many TYPES of income, new deductions, retirement plans named after dead politicians, until you don’t even care whether the tax is correct or not, you just want to be done with it!
So why doesn’t the IRS Just send everybody a bill.
Just tell us how much they’d be happy with. Send out a letter that says, Here -- you pay this, we’ll call it even. No tax return necessary.
They’d make a PILE of money.
It’s like when you’re at a restaurant with five couples trying to divide up the tab. It gets so complicated that finally, everyone just throws a bunch of twenties on the table. It would end the deficit overnight.
Because it’s not the SIZE of the bill, it’s FIGURING IT OUT that makes your head explode.
And I know the tax code is packed with many ingenious incentives, carefully crafted to make our lives better -- but the fact is, most of us don’t BEGIN to understand what it is the tax code is trying to get us to do. Except maybe take up smoking again.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS IDENTITY
Moved: 4/14/2005 10:24
Who are you? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

LexisNexis, ChoicePoint, Acxiom and now GM Mastercard -- all have reported 
losing control of consumer data, again leaving us to wonder who might RIGHT 
now be impersonating us.

Which is really creepy.

Impersonation is nothing new, but when did it happen -- that our identities 
became the property of banks and data companies?

When you were spending your college years searching for your identity, did 
go looking in banks? No!

And yet now we have a system where if you say you’re you, but the computer 
doesn’t agree because somebody else has convinced the computer that HE’s 
you, you lose. Whoever you are.

That’s the real news here --that somewhere along the line, the right to 
define who we are got handed over to a bunch of corporations. And I’m sure 
that they are very nice corporations. But they tricked us. They told us 
that for our own protection they needed all sorts of information, right down 
to our mother’s maiden names, and they promised to keep it secure, but they 
never told us that from time to time they would basically leaflet the 
underworld with our files.

Which wouldn’t matter in a world of face to face transactions, but in a 
world of computer to computer transactions -- it’s the data that defines 
you. And what’s more, if the data says you’re not you, the burden of proof 
to prove you’re you, is on YOU. Whoever you are.

But Dave, you say, there must be some solution. Ahhh, no, right now there’s 
not. We’re living in a world where if someone gets your credit card number 
and your mother’s maiden name, they’re you.

We are all one maiden name away from oblivion. And the only real solution 
is too horrible to contemplate. Go back to paying cash.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS GERMS
Moved: 4/13/2005 9:41
Friendly fire. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

Among the many things we’ve learned to worry about is that some wacko 
terrorist would get hold of a deadly germ and infect us all. Which is why 
it was just a LITTLE disconcerting to see the headline that said “Deadly Flu 
Strain Shipped Worldwide”. Except of course this story has nothing to do 
with germs sent by terrorists, but with germs sent … by mistake.

And it’s completely understandable. Each year biolabs all over the world 
get virus test kits -- which they run through their equipment to keep their 
testing skills sharp.

Usually the kits include ONLY benign viruses. But someone screwed up --and 
included among the benign samples a NOT-so-benign sample: a 1957 strain of 
highly contagious Asian flu that caused a deadly pandemic that killed as 
many as 4 million people.

--Probably sitting on the shelf right next to the happy-face viruses. You 
know how it is when it’s dark, and you reach into the medicine cabinet and 
you get a vial you’ve had there since 1957...

It can happen!

Anyway, relax, we are told that because these samples are in the hands of 
professionals, the risk is quite low. Although we are ALSO told that 
should even one of those samples escape, it could potentially infect 
everyone born since 1968.

Still -- it’s hard to get angry over mistakes like this because -- this is 
the fine line was walk in the quest for security. The people who made the 
mistake were only trying to protect us. And yes, they may have sent a 
highly contagious virus -- capable of killing millions -- through the mail… 
but it was all part of the effort -- to make us safer.

In the meantime, if you notice any biolab scientists with the sniffles -- 
you might want to hold your breath and leave.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS JACKSON4
Moved: 4/12/2005 10:40
Lessons from Michael. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Most of the interest in the Michael Jackson case is the sleaze factor – but there are valuable life lessons as well. 
Take yesterday’s testimony from the woman who alleged Jackson molested her son in 1993. She testified her son met Jackson, by chance, at the car rental agency where her husband, the boy’s step-father, worked.
Which is when – according to the testimony -- she gave Jackson her son’s phone number and invited him to call and talk to the boy.
Good parenting tip number ONE (*) never do that – even to be polite! Because a month later, Jackson called. And the conversations became longer. Followed by free family trips to Disneyland, Las Vegas, and Neverland. 
Good parenting tip number TWO: (*) invitations to Neverland ALWAYS have a catch.
And the mother seemed to realize that. When her son asked to spend the night in Jackson’s bedroom, she said no.
But then on a free trip to Las Vegas, Jackson came to her in tears, and spent a half hour begging her to PLEASE let him sleep with her son. She finally said yes, and for 30 consecutive nights, Jackson came over and slept in the 13 year old boy’s bedroom. And she got a pile of jewelry. 
Good parenting tip number THREE (*): If you’re getting suspicious that a pop star wants to sleep with your son, like because he asks you to -- sobbing and begging should make you MORE suspicious, not LESS. No matter how expensive the jewelry is.
Remember parents! (*) The only reason to spend 30 minutes listening to a grown man begging to sleep with your son, is to give the cops time to get there! 
Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQCUT2
Moved: 4/11/2005 10:55
Do I hear a timetable? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. Sponsored by Posture D, calcium plus phosphorous for healthy bones. Posture D in the orange box.
The Bush administration routinely refuses to talk about a timetable for getting US troops out of Iraq – but today, the New York Times has a front page story headlined “US Commanders See Possible Cut in Troops in Iraq.”
And it quotes various senior military officials as saying they’re planning for significant troop reductions by “early next year.” 
Now you don’t want to set a timetable in situations like this, because you don’t want to give the enemy any hope that you’re about to leave.
So the article doesn’t state precisely when the train will leave the station, but it DOES hint at when we may start packing. Why even hint? Perhaps because in addition to saving Iraq, the Pentagon is under pressure to save something else as well: 
KORB… “I think you got about another year. And if you don’t significantly cut back in Iraq, your all-volunteer army and your marines if you keep on using them are going to be in very, very big trouble.”
That’s Lawrence Korb, a former Assistant Secretary of Defense under President Reagan, who pointed out to a Washington forum two weeks ago that our decision to depend on the reserves is coming home to roost.
KORB:… “I think if you go back for a third rotation, that’s what did it in Vietnam, when you sent people back the third time.”
If he’s right – it means that the Pentagon may find that its primary mission to save Iraq – is on a collision course with another pretty important mission – to save the all-volunteer army.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS FUNERAL1
Moved: 4/11/2005 10:52
Santo Subito. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. [Sponsored by Posture D, calcium plus phosphorous for healthy bones. Posture D in the orange box.]
What did it mean that five million people showed up for Pope John Paul II’s funeral? Was it his personality, or his words? I’d like to remind you of some of the words:
Last January -- in his final message for the World Day of Peace, he quoted the Second Vatican Council, which said that “the good things of creation should be available equally to all." 
He was saying: share the food. Share the oil. Conquer disease.
“As a member of the human family, each person becomes … a citizen of the world…the Church … invites all who believe in Christ to show, practically and in every sector, a preferential love for the poor.”
He was saying: those who succeed have an obligation to those who don’t.
In his will, he wrote:
“How can I not recall so many non-Catholic Christian brothers! And the Rabbi of Rome and so many representatives of non-Christian religions (exclamation point)!”
He claimed fraternity, not superiority.
And this line: “I leave no property behind me.” The Pope’s financial net worth … was zero. He owned nothing. The Death Tax would not have been an issue.
The crowd chanted “Santo Subito” – “Sainthood now,” essentially saying that this wasn’t about a death, but a promotion. And whether they remembered his words or not -- five million people, representing many cultures, were packed together for a week, and seemed to get along. That was his vision; that’s why he traveled so much. And if it lasts -- maybe that will count as his miracle. Now this. 
Index 

CBS CORNYN
Moved: 4/11/2005 10:49
The political judiciary. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
Sen. John Cornyn of Texas gave a 40 minute speech on the Senate floor this week, accusing judges of making too many decisions based on politics:
CORNYN: “It causes a lot of people, including me, great distress”
And then … he remarked that this judicial overreaching might explain the recent spate of violence against judges:
CORNYN: “I wonder whether there may be some connection between the perception in some quarters on some occasions where judges are making political decisions yet are unaccountable to the public, that it builds up and builds up and builds up to the point where some people engage in – engage in violence. Certainly without any justification but a concern that I have that I wanted to share.”
He appeared to be saying that when judges make decisions based on politics instead of law, they’re asking for it. The New York Times called it a shameful outburst. 
Shameful, I don’t know, but surprising certainly. Cornyn is a conservative… usually its some wacky terrorist apologist trying to argue that violent people are simply misunderstood and frustrated.
But here’s the other thing… the courtroom violence we’ve been seeing – like that guy who shot up the courtroom in Atlanta? Brian Nichols? I mean, was he frustrated with an overly political judiciary? 
I believe his problem with the judiciary was that it was about to convict him of rape, and clap his fanny behind bars. Under a political concept known as “clapping one’s fanny behind bars.”
Now this. 
Index 

CBS POPEHEART
Moved: 4/11/2005 10:49
Home is where the heart is. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. Sponsored by Tri-Omega, pure and concentrated Omega-3 supplement. If it doesn't say Tri-Omega, throw it back.
For millions of the Pope's followers, letting go after 27 years is hard. Especially for the people of Krakow, Poland, where the Pope grew up. Because no matter where he traveled, his heart was always there. And now the city wants it - LITERALLY.
The mayor of Krakow confirmed yesterday that he wants the Pope's heart removed and placed at Wawel Cathedral.
To non-Catholics, this may sound gruesome, but Catholicism is an ancient religion, and in the ancient world, relics of Popes and saints were extremely important.
Those magnificent European churches - people didn't go there for the art lectures - they went for the relics. Any church that wanted pilgrims - and the donations they brought - had to display a sacred body part of some kind.
And that included hearts. St Claire of Montefalco was an Italian nun of great faith who was said to wear the suffering of Christ on her heart. So when she died, her fellow nuns decided to check. And sure enough, they found a clear imprint of a tiny crucifix on her heart - which is preserved to this day at the Church of the Holy Cross.
You'll find hair, bone fragments, hands... and in the case of St. Anthony -- he was such an extraordinary preacher that upon HIS death, the people of Padua preserved both his tongue and his vocal cords - which are still on display in the Basilica there.
Krakow's archbishop has dismissed at the idea of removing the Pope's heart as outdated. And outdated, it may be, but by Europe's standards, hardly unusual.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS JOHNPAUL2
Moved: 4/1/2005 12:44
Go to the whole world. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Two years ago, after his 100th foreign trip, a reporter asked the Pope “Why do you travel so much?”
He answered that it was Jesus’ command to ‘Go to the whole world and preach the Gospel to every creature.’
So he did. Tirelessly.
Today, people think of the Pope as a frail old man. But I got to see a very different John Paul II 23 years ago.
I was assigned to follow him on a trip to Great Britain, first ever by a Pope.
His job on that trip was to de-mystify the Catholic Church in a Protestant country… and he certainly did.
John Paul would hold his masses in soccer stadiums, and they would be packed. And the crowds were not these super-pious people who sat there in silence, eyes-closed, thumbing rosaries. They sang soccer chants. These were raucous soccer chants, and the Pope – once a soccer player himself -- would egg them on! Waving, dancing, picking up children – and then, with the crowd completely won over, he would launch into a sermon warning about the excesses of western culture, telling the kids not to sleep around, and that abortion was a sin. 
And they cheered for that too, because he wasn’t saying it to scold them, he was saying it because he loved them. And he did love those crowds. You could see in his face the energy he got from them.
I saw the news heads speculating today whether the Pope might have pushed himself too hard over the last few weeks – insisting on appearing at his window when he obviously couldn’t speak. But please! That’s who he is. Focused, unafraid, and drawing energy from being in front of the people he loves. That part, at least, hasn’t changed a bit.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS JOHNPAUL
Moved: 4/1/2005 12:44
The Culture of Life. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Most people think of the Pope as the man who put the phrase “Culture of Life” on the front page. But I don’t think most people understand how serious he was about that phrase.
For him, the culture of life didn’t just mean opposition to abortion, euthanasia, stem cell research, and removing Terry Schiavo’s feeding tube – it meant opposition to the death penalty. And it meant opposition to war.
And that often put him in direct opposition to US policy. It wasn’t just liberals who had problems with the Pope’s morality. On matters of war and peace, it was Conservative Catholics who lobbied him to change his positions.
Before the first Gulf War in 1991, he spoke out 56 times, by one count – condemning war as a solution to human problems.
As for the Iraq War –he called it a defeat for humanity which could not be morally or legally justified. He even sent his personal representative to warn President Bush that a war would be as much a part of the western “Culture of Death” as abortion.
As a leader without an army, the Pope had to use OTHER means to achieve political change. And he did. His support of the union movement in Poland in 1979 started a reverse domino effect that finally freed Poland and all of Eastern Europe from communism.
His visit to the Philippines in 1981 encouraged the church’s peaceful opposition to dictator Ferdinand Marcos – a US ally – who fell in a peaceful revolution five years later.
Unlike many of the politicians and activists who have since adopted the phrase “Culture of Life”, when John Paul II used the term, he REALLY MEANT IT.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS SCHIAVO(8)
Moved: 3/31/2005 10:11
Blessed are the peacemakers. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
The announcement came from Brother Paul O’Donnell:
O’DONNELL: “It is with great sadness that it has been reported to us that Terri Schiavo has passed away.”
The family feud, however, lives on.
The only thing the family can seem to agree on is to hold an autopsy. But only because they’re expecting very different results.
You would think that with all the religious energy directed at this case that a spirit of reconciliation might rub off. 
The name Terri Schiavo might have come to stand for the simple sadness that so many families have faced and will face when the same choice falls to them. 
Rev. Jesse Jackson said he hoped her legacy would be to demonstrate the role faith can play in family reconciliation. “Lean on your faith and God will see you through,” he said. 
But there was a different message from Father Frank Pavone, who gave last rites to Terri. He used the moments after her death to make sure no one would forget the enemy:
PAVONE: “Bobby Schindler her brother said we want to be in the room when she dies; Michael Schiavo said no, you cannot. And so his heartless cruelty continues until this very last moment.”
People of faith have a choice in a case like this – when a family has fallen apart – try to create healing, or stoke the resentment:
PAVONE: “This is not only a death, with all the sadness that brings, this is a killing and for that, we not only grieve that Terri has passed, but we grieve that our nation has allowed such an atrocity as this.”
I wonder which it will be. Now this. 
Index 

CBS GRAMMER
Moved: 3/29/2005 10:09
Grammar checkers be bad. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
An associate professor at the University of Washington is in the newspaper saying Microsoft needs to fix its grammar checker.
Now, as you know a grammar checker is like spell check. Spell check lets you write papers that make no sense, but are beautifully spelled.
A grammar checker lets you write papers that make no sense, but the tenses match.
Except the Professor, who had told his students to use it on their papers, discovered the Microsoft grammar checker didn’t even do that.
It actually accepted the following sentence (QUOTE): “Internets do good job in company name Amazon.” (BUZZ)
Of course people like me realize instinctively that such a sentence is illiterate. You know why? Because we had a 7th grade teacher named Miss Couch, whose job was to put a grammar checker into your HEAD! She could diagram a simple sentence into the New York City subway map. Then she took an actual bone drill and stuffed it into your head. That’s how OUR grammar checker got uploaded.
And we hated it! We said to ourselves, someday, a more humane society will develop a wondrous machine!
Yeah, we now we have it, and it stinks bad. (BUZZ)
Ooops! Look at this. My grammar checker says that should be “Stinks badly.” Well, in THAT case, I’ll change it.
Because that’s what education is about: to raise a generation that believes everything the computer tells it.
“Sir our computer says, your bank account is empty, but you don’t exist.”
But I’m standing right here in front of you breathing!
“Uh, would you like to speak to my supervisor, the Intel Celeron 1300?”
No thank you, I’m switching banks because your grammar stinks!
Now this. 
Index 

CBS SCHIAVO7
Moved: 3/28/2005 10:57
Last wishes. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
The emotions only seem to intensify:
PAUL O’DONNELL: “Everyone is willing… she’s alert, she’s awake, and she’s fighting for her life.”
Watching all this, if you’re a Christian – do you ever find yourself asking whatever became of the essential Christian idea – the one celebrated during Easter -- that Christ defeated death once and for all; so that no one need fear death anymore – the message of hope that something better is waiting on the other side?
Because – the religious theme throughout this case has been the finality of death. And some of the most fervent supplications have been directed not towards the almighty, but toward Governor Jeb Bush:
O’DONNELL: “We’re urgently asking for your assistance, and free her – free her from her captivity.”
Freedom in this case being not eternal life, but a feeding tube.
All very puzzling. And captivating at the same time – because it’s one of those issues every one of us is likely to face in one form or another. We’ve become a nation of amateur theologians in the past two weeks – because the professional ones don’t seem to have clear answers either.
And yet – there’s at least ONE thing that ought to be clear.
Whether we can ever truly know a dying person’s wishes, I have to believe that the LAST thing any dying person wants is for their death to break apart the family they’ve left behind. 
Perhaps over the next few weeks, those who worked so hard to turn this into a public debate … will at least figure out that part.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS SCHIAVO6
Moved: 3/25/2005 9:09
Some people are just more innocent than others. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Even if you disagree with Terry Schiavo’s parents, I think most of us have sympathy for them. But what do you think about the side show that’s sprouted up -- like people getting arrested for trespassing with a glass of water. What’s that about?
I don’t doubt that there are sincere people who genuinely want to bring Terry Schiavo a drink.
But is this really about protecting all innocent life?
ROBERTSON 3/23/05:… People of faith all over the world are just deeply concerned that a country like the United States would deliberately murder somebody.”
That’s Televangelist Pat Robertson on the 700 Club this week, reminding us that the world is watching what we do:
ROBERTSON 3/23/05:… “It is a decree of death by a judge on an innocent person, like the Nazis.”
And yet, this same Pat Robertson had a very different view of the sanctity of life last May when he came up with this idea for taking control of the rebellious Iraqi city of Najaf:
ROBERTSON 5/10/04: “I would say take Najaf, put a cordon around it, cut off the electricity, cut off the water, the sweltering summer is coming and you send leaflets to those people saying give us give, give us the mullah and his followers, and you will have all your services restored. And unless you do, it’s gonna be a long hot summer.”
Now some religious figures are consistent – the Pope is against pulling the feeding tube AND against pre-emptive war. But Pat … was demanding a siege – where you starve not just one person, but a whole city.
ROBERTSON 5/10/04 [excerpt from previous] “…cut off the electricity, cut off the water … ”
I thought that line was especially ironic.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS SCHIAVO5
Moved: 3/24/2005 10:53
Miracle time. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
The US Supreme court said no to Terry Schiavo’s parents today.
Nine Republicans joined a majority in the Florida Senate in saying no yesterday. A couple of them indicated they were tired of the internet rants against them, and tired of being prayed for.
The latest polls show that even a majority of Evangelicals believe Terri Schiavo should be allowed to die.
But that’s only energized her self-appointed protectors, who have now turned on their erstwhile political allies:
MAHONEY: “For the Republican majority in the Florida Senate: the death that Terri is suffering here must be laid at your doorstep.”
Rev. Pat Mahoney of the Christian Defense Coalition – who even took aim at Jeb Bush:
MAHONEY: “We say to Governor Bush – a citizen of your state is being brutally murdered. You need to intervene on her behalf.”
He wants him to order the cops to physically take Terri Schaivo from her room.
I look at all this and I think -- Isn’t it strange! Here are people of deep faith who have been putting that faith where? In earthly authority. They pray for Senators, they scold the Governor … but isn’t this in God’s hands now?
Isn’t this the time to have faith that a Merciful God will do what is best for Terri Schiavo?
Because if it is indeed God’s will that Terri Schiavo live, He could perform that miracle.
If the Lord thinks thinks Rev. Mahoney and the others are right – can you imagine the impact? The world is watching. It’s almost Easter. THAT would settle the case.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS SCHIAVO4
Moved: 3/23/2005 11:01
Culture of life. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
For the Right to life movement, there is a silver lining in the Terry Schiavo case. 
Louis Sheldon, who chairs the traditional values coalition – who says “never has the right-to-life issue dominated the news headlines day after day as it is doing now.”
He’s certainly right about that. 
We’ve been immersed in Terri Schaivo’s tragic circumstances. But I think it’s fair to say the single reaction I’ve heard most frequently isn’t exactly life-affirming; the reaction I’ve heard most frequently is, “Man if that happens to me, pull the plug!”
It’s got a lot of us grossed out at what the medical industry may have in store for us. It’s got a lot of people telling lawyers, if THAT’s what I’ve got to look forward to, please make sure they don’t keep me alive!
So I don’t know how this promotes the culture of life. And that’s too bad because we DO need to promote it.
That kid who shot up his school in Minnesota reminded us we have some dormant volcanoes out there, living in a culture where they can’t get help, they can only get even.
And what are we doing about it? I heard a safety expert on CNN giving kids tips on how to protect themselves during a shooting. One tip was, when you hide behind a car, don’t hide behind trunk, hide behind the engine block.
BOB STUBERS: “If you were behind the trunk section of a car, you could still be shot; it’s hollow, the bullet could still pass through the car.”
See kids, you didn’t know that. You’ve been wasting your time on geometry, haven’t you! Yikes!
Yes, creating a Culture of Life. It’s a good thing. And you have a choice: you can focus on the dying -- or you can focus on creating the kind of world that people want to live in.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS SCHIAVO3
Moved: 3/23/2005 11:01
New judge – same result. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
Federal judge James Wittemore of Tampa has decided NOT to order that Terry Schiavo’s feeding tube be inserted right away.
Despite the emotional debate in Congress that sent the case to his courtroom, he said the issues had been “exhaustively litigated” and that Terri Schiavo’s life and liberty had been protected by the state courts, and that his job was to apply the law.
So the feeding tube stays out – let the appeals begin.
But here’s what I found remarkable: one of the arguments presented by David Biggs, the lawyer representing Terry Schiavo’s parents, opened up a whole new dimension. During the federal hearing, he argued that removing the feeding tube would jeopardize Terry Schiavo’s chances … of getting to heaven.
He argued that she is a Roman Catholic, and that the Pope has said that Catholics in such circumstances must not refuse food and water. Therefore, said the attorney, "We are now in a position where a court has ordered her to disobey her church and even jeopardize her eternal soul."
Wow. Let me get this straight. Because last week a medical assistant shut off Terry Schiavo’s feeding tube, as she lay there incapacitated, God would send HER to hell?
If those are truly the rules – then imagine what’s going to happen to all those people who sign living will and put it in WRITING that they don’t want to be force fed.
It also makes me wonder what happens to lawyers who use religion to scare people.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS SCHIAVO2
Moved: 3/23/2005 10:59
Did we just get National Health Care? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
Congress is now intimately involved in the case of Terri Schiavo.
The vote for that special bill to send her case to federal court was remarkably bi-partisan.
There’s plenty of debate over whether this is interference in a family matter.
But there can be no debate over the underlying reasons that Republicans wanted this – because they made it clear:
It’s about compassion. That’s why they pushed for an emergency vote on a Sunday night. Republicans like Representative Christopher Smith argued that in life and death cases, compassion trumps everything:
SMITH: “That’s what we’re all about: trying to make sure that the weak and the disabled and the disenfranchised are looked after in our society. The strong are able to [fend] for themselves, but the weak and in this case the disabled person cannot. So there’s an overriding federal interest to care for a disabled person for whom the best interest may not be being followed here.”
And if Congress would intervene in something as personal as a family dispute – how could they NOT intervene in life and death medical decisions based on far more superficial matters – like insurance coverage. Listen to what Representative Don Manzullo said:
TAPE: “If there is any chance that Terry Schiavo can be rehabilitated, why not exercise our prerogative as people who are elected to represent the people in this country to give her that opportunity?”
We may get national health care after all. Maybe THAT’S why so many Democrats decided to jump on. 
Index 

CBS STEROIDS
Moved: 3/18/2005 11:32
Problem? What problem! This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network
The Congressional steroid hearing is over. Only one of the ballplayers in the room admitted taking the stuff -- Jose Canseco, whose book touched off the outrage. The others would admit nothing. Mark McGwire couldn’t say enough times that he was retired now:
TAPE:… policy is.”
But they made it clear that they were ALL on the wagon now. and they are happy with baseball’s a tough new policy. The problem is, the committee members actually had a COPY of that policy:
TAPE: ….
Baseball execs said the committee was misled by sloppy wording. Except if you actually look at the draft, it’s perfectly clear. And you can see why they might be hesitant. 
There’s pressure to entertain people. But it was up to Rep Jose Serrano to present a vision of baseball as MORE than entertainment:
TAPE:…you’re heroes.”
But look at the kids. Look at the supplements they take. It’s the pressure to BE one of those heroes that drives them. 
TAPE:… please save the game!
Oh, but Congressman-- there are fans who would be perfectly happy to see all the players grow to enormous size:
TAPE OF DAVE’S VOICE (SPECIAL EFFECT): So they can not only hit towering home runs but walk through the center of town toppling buildings and swatting planes out of the sky!
Excuse me. It’s my energy drink. You can get this stuff in grocery stores now, you know.
Now this: 
Index 

CBS ANWR
Moved: 3/17/2005 10:40
Promises, promises. This is DR…
On a 51-49 vote, the Senate has signed on to the idea of drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. And since the Senate was historically the biggest roadblock to drilling, this means it could finally happen.
Environmentalists like Brian Moore of the Alaska Wilderness League
hate this idea:
MOORE: It’s not just drilling rigs, it’s roads, its airstrips, it’s housing for people...”
To drill for oil in a place inhabited by Winnie The Pooh Grizzlies and Cuddly Caribou drives them nuts.
But I talked with Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski, and she says Brian’s image of oil drilling is out of date. She’s been there to see for herself, and assures me that today’s oil rigs are wildlife friendly:
MURKOWSKI: “Well the caribou were there while were there…”
See? They so adaptable, they can even co-exist with SENATORS! Give us 2000 acres she says, that’s all we need. This is not your grandfather’s oil rig. 
And as we all know, the present Alaska pipeline, far from killing the Caribou, appears to have had the opposite effect. It’s like Caribou Viagra. It’s the one place in America where Republicans are happy they lost the abstinence debate.
So there you go. Although if all this is true – how do you explain the position of Republican Senator Mel Martinez of Florida? According to the Washington Post, he only agreed to go along with drilling in Alaska after getting a White House promise NOT to drill off the coast of HIS state until 2012.
Pay attention Mel! These are not your Grandfather’s oil rigs! Florida’s offshore Caribou would LOVE them!
Now this. 
Index 

CBS BUSHCOMP
Moved: 3/16/2005 11:59
The compassion is back. This is DR…
There’s been a change in the commentary about President Bush – some of his critics are now openly asking was the President right that toppling Saddam would spark a democratic revolution in the Middle East?
But the critics aren’t the only ones who’ve come around. So has the president.
He has a new interest in walking softly.
He appointed his long-time adviser Karen Hughes to be America’s Middle East image maker – to find the words that will make people like us.
BUSH: “We had the image of wanting to fight Muslims, instead of a society that welcomes all religions. People have to understand that we’re a compassionate nation.”/09
The compassionate conservative is back. The neo-cons who once talked about sending the tanks into Syria and Iran – nowhere to be found. Well, maybe except at the World Bank where the President plans to send Iraq war architect Paul Wolfowitz. But he won’t be in the Pentagon anymore!
And I think the reason is that when you unleash Democracy… people vote. And you want them to vote your way:
BUSH: “I like the idea of people running for office. Maybe some will run for office saying ‘vote for me I look forward to blowing up America.’ I don’t know. I don’t know if that’ll be their platform or not. But I don’t think so. I think people generally run for office saying ‘vote for me, I’m looking forward ot fixing your potholes.’ ”/17
Spreading democracy means giving votes to people who were once terrorists or terrorist sympathizers. We don’t want them going to the ballot box hating us. We have to imagine a world where people call Hezbollah to FIX their potholes instead of make them.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS ASHLEY
Moved: 3/14/2005 16:34
Talk about being tested! This is Dave Ross, on the CBS Radio Network.
I’ve been watching the various interviews that Ashley Smith has been giving about her 13 hour ordeal at her home outside Atlanta – and it’s pretty amazing.
You can think you have courage; you can THINK you have faith in God, but until you’re really tested, how do you know?
There may be a lot of scary things going on in the world today – but I can’t think of anything quite as scary as what happened to Ashley Smith.
[Note the following paragraph erroneously describes the incident. Ashley was actually accosted at a convenience store while taking a smoking break at 2 a.m., and taken back to her home. I regret the error. DR] 
You’re sleeping. It’s 2 a.m. Someone breaks into your home – and it turns out to be the man you’ve been hearing about all day – the man who killed three people including a Judge. And he’s in your home! And he’s sticking a gun between your ribs, and wrapping you in tape and electrical cord, and you know the police aren’t coming because this is RANDOM. They have no IDEA where he is.
And Ashley Smith’s only ammo… was to talk. And so she talked. 
She talked until she gained his trust. When he told her “I’m already dead,” she said “no you’re not,” and read to him from the Bible, the Purpose Driven Life, cooked him pancakes and eggs; and told him about her 5 year old daughter.
TAPE:… he had to have a heart.”
Because along with everything else -- Ashley Smith had been widowed four years ago.
And without touching him, she disarmed him. 
She called it a miracle. Was it? Did God decide three people had to die so this mixed up man could find his way? I don’t know about that. But if life is a test -- I know who just passed.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS ASHLEY
Moved: 3/14/2005 16:34
Talk about being tested! This is Dave Ross, on the CBS Radio Network.
I’ve been watching the various interviews that Ashley Smith has been giving about her 13 hour ordeal at her home outside Atlanta – and it’s pretty amazing.
You can think you have courage; you can THINK you have faith in God, but until you’re really tested, how do you know?
There may be a lot of scary things going on in the world today – but I can’t think of anything quite as scary as what happened to Ashley Smith.
[Note the following paragraph erroneously describes the incident. Ashley was actually accosted at a convenience store while taking a smoking break at 2 a.m., and taken back to her home. I regret the error. DR] 
You’re sleeping. It’s 2 a.m. Someone breaks into your home – and it turns out to be the man you’ve been hearing about all day – the man who killed three people including a Judge. And he’s in your home! And he’s sticking a gun between your ribs, and wrapping you in tape and electrical cord, and you know the police aren’t coming because this is RANDOM. They have no IDEA where he is.
And Ashley Smith’s only ammo… was to talk. And so she talked. 
She talked until she gained his trust. When he told her “I’m already dead,” she said “no you’re not,” and read to him from the Bible, the Purpose Driven Life, cooked him pancakes and eggs; and told him about her 5 year old daughter.
TAPE:… he had to have a heart.”
Because along with everything else -- Ashley Smith had been widowed four years ago.
And without touching him, she disarmed him. 
She called it a miracle. Was it? Did God decide three people had to die so this mixed up man could find his way? I don’t know about that. But if life is a test -- I know who just passed.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS STEROID(2)
Moved: 3/11/2005 12:04
Congress cracks down on baseball. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
This week, the House Government Reform Committee issued a total of 11 subpoenas for a hearing on steroids next Thursday.
Among the players being served - Jason Giambi, Rafael Palmeiro, Curt Schilling, Sammy Sosa and Frank Thomas.
Major League Baseball vowed to fight the subpoenas, but the committee was adamant. Ranking Democrat Henry Waxman, compared it to the congressional hearings on the TV quiz show scandals of the 1950's - if baseball refuses to investigate itself, Congress will do it for them.
And the steroid hearings will be like the Quiz show hearings in another way. They will PACK the hearing room and guarantee plenty of Congressional face time.
But all in a good cause - to make sure that baseball players are positive role models for our malleable youth.
Well the whole issue prompted a letter from listener Fred Stone, who writes that he's in favor of drug testing for players because the last thing we need is for our children to emulate a bunch of "druggies." But then he goes on to say "If these are legitimate reasons for drug testing ... then I submit that all members of the White House and their Staff and Congress should also be subject to random drug testing.
After all these are the people who make the decisions regarding the sending of our military forces to war .. [and] who determine how our taxes are to be spent ... The need for a clear mind, absent of any type of drugs, is clearly as important as that of our ... our sports heroes.
Interesting concept Fred. 
Although I fear we would find that all those decisions you refer to - were made by people who were perfectly sober at the time.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS SHOOTING
Moved: 3/11/2005 12:02
Gunshots in the courtroom. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network sponsored by Tri-Omega, pure and concentrated Omega-3 supplement. If it doesn't say Tri-Omega, throw it back."
This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
In the heart of downtown Atlanta, at the Fulton county courthouse — a judge hearing a rape case, and his court reporter, were shot dead, by the defendant, in open court.
It’s not just a tragedy, it’s an outrage. Sure, judges have been targets before. But in open court? Despite the metal detectors? Despite the armed guards? It puzzled this officer too:
OFFICER:… had taken the gun from a deputy.”
Had taken the gun from a deputy. And after opening fire, he used it for a series of carjackings.
Well, you can bet that after this we’ll see better training, redesigned holsters, maybe a different policy on handcuffs.
But in a truly free marketplace, you’d se something else. You’d see gun manufacturers offering weapons that fire only in the proper hands. It’s called an interlock. You have to wear a special ring for the weapon to fire. So that for routine guard duty, deputies could carry weapons which would be utterly useless in the wrong hands.
Manufacturers, however, won’t touch that technology for fear of being boycotted by gun rights groups, who will point out that shootings like this hardly ever happen. Well, you know, terrorist attacks hardly ever happen, and we use all sorts of gadgets to try to prevent THEM.
And we could prevent this… it we wanted to. Call it Homeland Security.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS BANKRUPT
Moved: 3/10/2005 11:55
Bankrupt and loving it! This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
America is getting a new, tougher bankruptcy law, aimed at people like this fellow:
JIM: “When I declared bankruptcy, the credit card portion of the bankruptcy was 80 something thousand dollars.”
We’ll call him Jim. Jim called my show to explain he COULD have paid his credit card balance eventually, but it was cheaper to pay a bankruptcy lawyer 400 bucks to get him out of it.
So you can see why the credit card companies wanted a tougher law.
Except — well, my friend was puzzled by ONE aspect of his bankruptcy:
JIM: “Probably within two weeks I was receiving offers for credit cards.”
Yes — the credit card companies didn’t seem at ALL bothered by his bankruptcy. In fact they appeared to want his business all the more! Because, you see, he would be prohibited from filing again for another seven years, and if they could hook him again, they’d HAVE seven years to reel him in. 
In fact — there was a table stocked with card applications RIGHT OUTSIDE THE BANKRUPTCY COURT!
JIM: “There was not only credit card applications from Visa, Discover, and MasterCard, but I actually sent one in and I had a credit card within two weeks.”
Yes, in the topsy-turvy world of consumer credit, the most prized customers are the ones who CAN’T pay! Because THEY’RE the ones who end up paying so much interest a bank can make money on them even if they DO declare bankruptcy. And now that they can’t — well, let’s just say it’s a good time to be in plastic.
By the way, if you’re the type who pays the full amount and never runs a balance — the industry has a word for you. Deadbeats.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS GAY MARRIAGE
Moved: 3/9/2005 11:29
Gay marriage in court again. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
In the Supreme Court of Washington State, attorneys for 19 gay couples who want to marry came with a simple request:
ATTY: “To ask merely that Washington fulfill the promise of liberty and equality to all of its citizens”
They argued that the state’s Defense of Marriage Act puts gay people where black people were in the 50’s.
Evangelical Christians disagree, saying they don’t HATE gay people; they just don’t want marriage re-defined.
The two sides may actually be closer than they think. I asked Rev Joe Fuiten, who heads Washington Evangelicals for Responsible government, this question:
ROSS: “Is there any right that a heterosexual couple now enjoys that you think a gay couple should not have? FUITEN: Well, none come to mind off hand.”
So you see, it isn’t about the rights involved — it’s about making sure that traditional marriage remains the cultural norm.
But in any case, the REAL message was outside the court. Washington is officially a blue state. But outside the court, Rev Fuiten’s call for protest drew thousands of gay marriage opponents. They carried red signs reading “Marriage: One Man, One Woman. And they far outnumbered the timid cluster of gay marriage sympathizers.
In Washington State, you see, Supreme Court judges are elected — often in elections with very small turnouts. 
And Rev. Fuiten plans to hold them accountable:
ROSS: “So any members of the Supreme Court who vote to overturn this law — you will work against them come election time? FUITEN: You can count on it.”
Now this. This is Dave Ross… 
Index 

CBS GUNS
Moved: 3/8/2005 14:55
Law-abiding terrorists. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
Here in the United States, we may have the right to keep and bear arms, but we don’t go crazy — we make sure only the right people can legally buy guns. So on the application, we ask whether you’re a convicted felon, mentally deficient, or an illegal immigrant. Answer yes to any of those questions, and NO gun.
If, however, you have none of those black marks, and pass a background check, we arm you, and then destroy the application within 24 hours to protect your privacy.
Well, Senator Frank Lautenberg of New Jersey, who thinks this is all WAY too easy, asked the General Accountability Office to focus on a particular group of potential gun-seekers NOT mentioned on the form.
He asked the GAO find out whether suspected terrorists are indeed able to get guns here. And today the report was leaked to the New York Times.
You’ll love this. According to GAO, FBI does indeed check over gun applications to see if any involve terrorists, and sure enough, they found that last year 58 people on the terror watch list filed applications.
But in what would appear to be something of an oversight, unless the suspected terrorist was a convicted felon, mentally deficient, or an illegal immigrant, he got the gun. With the result that, of the 58 suspected terrorists who applied for guns last year, 47 GOT THEM.
Some of you might find this frustrating. Here we are, talking about changing our whole system of drivers licenses in an effort to thwart suspected terrorists, and at the same time we let 'em have guns. But please keep in mind — though we may sell guns to suspected terrorists, at least they are law-abiding SANE terrorists.
Now this 
Index 

CBS GAS PRICES
Moved: 3/7/2005 14:54
Getting gouged and lovin’ it! This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
In the next few days, so the warning goes, gas prices could jump by 24 cents a gallon. 
That would put them way beyond $2.00, annihilating last year’s record.
And from the Triple-A came this prediction:
SPOKESMAN: “The discretionary driving may be what we limit, going to Aunt Martha’s on the weekend, this type of thing.”
That’s right — this guy from the Triple-A thinks Americans are going to limit their discretionary driving.
Is that really true, America? Are we going to let gas prices tell us how much we drive?
I’m sorry, but that’s not the America I know.
The America I know, when gas prices go up, cuts up its credit cards. Holds Congressional hearings to get to the bottom of the conspiracy. The America I know CERTAINLY doesn’t let a little thing like $2 gas limit its discretionary driving. The America I know doesn’t let ANYTHING limit its discretionary driving.
In fact, the America I know doesn’t let anything limit its INDISCRETIONARY driving. If we felt like drag racing at midnight when gas was a buck fifty, we’re darn well gonna do it at $2.
You mean to tell me that the same America that defied the cries of global warming, that stood firm against those sissy Europeans and their Kyoto Protocols is suddenly going to blow off Aunt Martha because of gas prices?
Are we gonna let $2 gas, turn us into a bunch of jelly-bean driving BLUE STATES? Are we going to tell Aunt Martha, “No, I can’t visit this week, gas prices are just too high.” 
Forget it. These colors don’t run, my friend — they DRIVE, by God, and they drive wherever they want. Unless gas hits $3, and then we’ll pewl like frightened puppies. 
Index 

CBS MARTHA
Moved: 3/4/2005 12:33
Get Martha. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
[audio not transcribed]
CNN are you ready?
FOX are you ready?
MSNBC?
OK — let’s move out! Fox!
Wait… CNN has something:
Not there? Fox! Get the statement!
OK — let’s find her!
CNN do something!
You missed her! Quick — MSNBC:
Oh please! Fox!
MSNBC — follow that car!
CNN — she may be headin’ for the airport!
MSNBC — can you confirm?
Fox — where are you?
What’s she look like? MSNBC!
What’s she wearing! CNN!
What’s under the Poncho — Fox
CNN — can you confirm?
OK now — MSNBC — follow that plane:
You don’t. And you call that coverage.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS SOCSEC2
Moved: 3/4/2005 12:32
Make me tremble. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
You know the funny thing about this whole Social Security debate? Success depends on one thing. Scaring people.
For the President to succeed, he has to scare people into thinking that unless something is done, they're going to spend their old age living in a van down by the river. (HORROR MUSIC)
For the Democrats to succeed in stopping him, THEY have to scare people into thinking that if you DO what the President suggests, you'll spend old age down by the river WITHOUT the van! (HORROR MUSIC)
And maybe even without the river because Global warming will have dried it up. (HORROR MUSIC)
Well the truth is - neither side really knows the future. All they know is that the scariest statements get the attention.
And what's even crazier is that while everybody's busy scaring us about Social Security, what they SHOULD be scaring us about is HEALTH CARE! (HORROR MUSIC)
Yes! There! I said it.
In fact did you know that a group of researchers published a report which found that half of all U.S. bankruptcies are caused by medical bills! And it's not the poor who are getting hit, it's middle class people who actually have insurance, but whose policies have so many co-payments and deductibles, they can barely cover a case of indigestion.
But nobody's paying any attention to that because we've wasted all our scary music on Social security, gay marriage, and the Ten Commandments.
(LIGHTNING) (HORROR MUSIC)
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS SOCSEC
Moved: 3/3/2005 12:08
Ain’t no mystery. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
The story du jour on Social Security is that the President’s reform is losing momentum… in the latest CBS / New York Times Poll, pollsters found that 43% still think that letting workers invest a portion of their Social Security tax is a good idea. But that’s before the pollster points out that the private account idea would include a cut in their guaranteed benefits.
When the pollees hear that, support drops to 31%. When they hear that private accounts would balloon the deficit, support drops to 19%. And that’s just among Generation X — the under 30-somethings. Add in everybody else, and support drops to 17%.
And it’s painted as this big MYSTERY — that everybody somehow harbors this irrational fear of change.
But the national debt as of Tuesday stood at 7.7 trillion. Interest payments on that debt are already the second largest budget item, right behind defense. And as long as we have boots in Baghdad and no new taxes, that debt can’t help but continue to blossom.
Now Generation X has every right to ask, Dave, isn’t it true that Social Security may not be able to pay us what it promises?
And I’d say yes — that COULD happen.
But you know what, Generation X? If 30 years from now you feel you’re getting screwed by the government, you can lobby, you can petition, you can shake your fist at your member of Congress and demand the promise be kept. And I’m betting you can guilt ‘em into it.
If, however, you give up the guarantee and get screwed by the stock market — you’re basically S-O-L.
And by then, the only politicians you can shake your fist at — will be the ones safely tucked away in cemeteries. 
Now this. 
Index 

CBS TENCOMM
Moved: 3/2/2005 12:40
Careful what you pray for. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
The Supreme Court is finally going to decide the matter of displaying the Ten Commandments on public property. 
Opponents reject such displays as an unholy mix of church and state, while supporters say it’s exactly what our depraved culture needs.
But if you look at the lower court decision from Texas, you notice something shocking.
In Texas, the lower courts said that a Ten Commandments monument on the capitol grounds could stay.
But here’s why they said it could stay. They said it could stay because it is one of 17 monuments on the grounds, including monuments to the Alamo, the confederacy, and the people who gave the granite for the capitol building. And that as such, it’s simply part of what amounts to a museum exhibit.
It points out that during the monument’s 1961 dedication, there were no prayers, and that only two legislators showed up. 
Finally, the lower court, in upholding the display, noted that the monument was OLD, and that an old monument sends a different message than a NEW one would, namely, we’re keeping this thing here as much because it’s old, as for what it says.
So, if the prayers of the faithful are answered, and the Supreme Court uphold the Texas case, it will mean that Ten Commandments displays are constitutional .. provided they can be easily ignored. Like those displays of Greek pottery that everybody skips.
What good is that? That’s not going to lance the nation’s depravity! They need to be IN YOUR FACE! You know, I see that on e-Bay — there are still at least 25 people offering to rent their foreheads… now THAT’s a living monument. And the courts… couldn’t touch it. 
Index 

CBS ZARQAWI
Moved: 3/2/2005 12:40
We may have a new nemesis. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, considered the mastermind behind so many surprise explosions in Iraq, has never been known to target the US itself. But a message to him from Osama bin Laden appears to include new marching orders:
DAVID MARTIN:... in the United States.
Correspondent David Martin. Osama sent the message two weeks ago... the very time CIA director Porter Goss was telling Congress:
GOSS: "Islamic extremists are exploiting... will leave Iraq experienced and focused on acts of urban terrorism."
So what the CIA was only hinting at two weeks ago, now appears to be official. We have a new nemesis — Abu Musab al Zarqawi, who is being told to take the Jihadists who cut their teeth in Iraq, and turn them on other targets, including the United States itself.
There is one silver lining to this - the sleeper cells supposedly lurking in the US must be sleepier than Osama would like - if he's dispatching a guy all the way from Iraq.
But it also means we REALLY REALLY need to make sure Zarqawi and company don't leave Iraq alive.
And we HAVE taken steps - he already has a $25 million bounty on his head.
PLUS, under a new security rule, as of April 14, airline passengers who try to bring a butane lighter aboard an aircraft will see that lighter confiscated.
MATCHES will still be allowed. But if Zarqawi plans on attacking us with a BIC, he's got another thing coming. 
Index 

CBS GATES3
Moved: 2/28/2005 10:48
Bill Gates warns America:
GATES 1: “I’m terrified for our workforce of tomorrow.”
This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. Sponsored by Tri-Omega, pure and concentrated Omega-3 supplement. If it doesn't say Tri-Omega, throw it back."
Because this nation needs all the talent it can get, Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates urged the nation’s Governors over the weekend to join his push for smaller high schools, tougher tests, and teacher raises based on performance.
GATES 2: “If we believe all kids can learn, then when students don’t learn, the school must change.”
But there was one thing I didn’t hear in that speech — how to motivate students. Especially the at-risk students who continue to frustrate reformers like Mr. Gates. For advice on that, we had to turn to another rich guy who made a speech over the weekend:
FOXX 1: “My grandmother’s name is Estelle Marie Talley”
Jamie Foxx got the Best Actor Oscar for Ray, and said he owed his success to the grandmother who raised him when both parents deserted him.
FOXX 2: “She told me stand up straight, put your shoulders back, act like you got some sense.”
She made sure he developed his talent for classical piano. She made sure he went to school. And then — as child psychologists across America prayed that the orchestra would give him the hook — he described her motivational technique:
FOXX 3: “She would whup me, and she could get an Oscar for the way she whupped me because she was great at it.” 
But, and this is the important part, she didn’t stop there:
FOXX 4: “She would talk to me, and tell me why she whipped me; said I want you to be a southern gentleman.”
And just like that, the secret was out. Sometimes it’s not enough just to have a good teacher the classroom. Sometimes you need a responsible adult at home too. Now this. 
Index 

CBS OSCARS
Moved: 2/25/2005 12:29
Oscar picks. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
Time to handicap the Oscars. I'm not a movie critic, but IU figure since I actually PAY to see movies, I'm just as qualified. 
OK - Million Dollar Baby: a beautifully-acted piece, however - and I've always been scared of Clint Eastwood, even now that he's showing his softer side, so I hesitate to be critical - but I have to say it's not so much the assisted suicide scene that got to me... but... all the BOXING. 
A little hard to get through even a medium popcorn when you're watching blood pour from people's faces. Like I say, a beautiful movie, but I won't be back.
Aviator - period piece, Di Caprio very convincing as a progressively insane genius. But the main thing I remember is him crashing his plane into a house.
Nothing even close to the sweaty hand on the car window in Titanic.
Finding Neverland - sweet movie; unfortunate title. The word "Neverland" doesn't have quite the innocence it once did; older man, spending a lot of time around kids who aren't his... tough sell.
No, my vote goes to Ray. Great acting, great music, great story, and true besides.
Although if I had to pick the movie that actually INFLUENCED me the most, it'd be Sideways; quirky little tale of two guys who tour California wine country sipping Pinot Noir and looking for sex. It was assertively fluffy, lacking sufficient comic bouquet, and too heavy on the crass overtones, but I confess, it actually prompted me to take my wife on the Napa Valley Wine train last weekend. Which is, where you pay $90 each for a really nice lunch and a very slow train ride that basically goes past a lot of wet grapevines. I mean it was great. But had it not been for that movie... I'd probably have gone to Taco Time.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS PUTIN
Moved: 2/25/2005 12:28
What's eating at Vladimir? This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
President Bush is back home after his 2005 European “First-Name-Basis-Tour.” Chancellor Schroeder of Germany wasn’t “Mr Chancellor”, he was “Gerhard.” President Chirac of France was “Jacques,” and President Putin of Russia was “Vladimir”:
BUSH:… very interested.”
And he wasn’t just Vladimir once…
BUSH: “Vladimir’s been a, uh…”
He was Vladimir repeatedly
BUSH: “I told Vladimir that secretary …”
And yet, as I watched that news conference looking for a little of the warmth to be returned, NOTHING. 
Despite the Friendly advice he got on how to create Democracy:
BUSH:
I mean, they agreed on nuclear security and all that stuff, but Vladimir seemed to repress any urge he might have had to thank the President for his advice on Democracy;
PUTIN: I will not comment on. 
See? Not even thank you GEORGE. Just “Thank you.” That’s a guy who’s peeved. Someone needs a little attitude rehab here. Because, we do have just a little more experience spreading freedom than you do, Vladimir.
And by the way — as long as we’re on Democracy, maybe one of the reasons you find yourself needing to crack down on dissenters, Vladimir, is that you frankly come across as kind of a sourpuss.
I know you may be dancing on the inside, but it just doesn’t read. You need to feel out the room. Get the vibe. And considering the balance of power in the world today — it wouldn’t hurt you to talk a little barbecue once in a while, either. Vladimir. 
Index 

CBS SUMMIT2
Moved: 2/24/2005 10:53
We who stand in the crossfire salute you. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
The President took a little break today between assurances that he has no plans to attack Iran to meet with Russian President Vladimir Putin to sign an agreement to make nuclear terrorism more difficult.
And I just wanted to take a moment to thank them both.
Most of us very much dislike the idea of nuclear terrorism and so I want to thank them for anything they can do to prevent it from happening.
Because it was a little disconcerting to hear that exchange between Senator Rockefeller and CIA director Goss last week:
TAPE:
According to a CIA report, terrorists have been scouting Russian nuclear shipments, and some material is already missing. We also hear the occasional report about how poor security is at US nuclear plants.
So I want to encourage the two Presidents in their quest to make nuclear material harder to get.
I remember during the Cold War it was always comforting when the Russians and Americans would emerge from these summits smiling because it meant you could make long term plans again… you know, start a family, buy real estate.
And sometimes I get the feeling we’re moving back to those days. Russians and Americans are STILL meeting in hopes of controlling the nuclear threat except now, they’re trying to control nukes whose whereabouts they don’t know.
During the Cold War, there was a clear red button we knew not to press.
Now the Cold War is over … and we can’t find the damn button.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS FELONS
Moved: 2/24/2005 10:52
It ain’t over ‘til the last felon sings. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
The November 2nd election is long past — EXCEPT in Washington State where the election for governor remains tied up in court almost four months later.
Democrat Christine Gregoire has been duly inaugurated, but the tiny one hundred twenty nine vote margin that gave her the victory is still in dispute — with the Republicans trying to prove to a judge that she won ILLEGALLY.
And now they say they have all the evidence they need, with a list of at least 1,108 FELONS who cast illegal votes.
But what to do? Once a ballot is cast, it becomes indistinguishable from every other ballot — and as the Democrats interpret the law, to overturn the election you’d have to prove that the illegal votes changed the outcome. So Democrats are demanding that Republicans name the felons, haul them into court, put them under oath, ask them how they voted — and then subtract those votes.
So let’s think about this.
In order to make sure felons had no hand in picking the governor, you would ask them how they voted.
But a clever felon, knowing there is no way to prove whether he’s lying, might just say he voted the opposite of the way he did. Which would mean that not only would he get to keep HIS vote, but he could potentially neutralize a LEGITIMATE vote. 
And so we would have one of the more remarkable election repair jobs in the history of Western Democracy, in which an attempt to prevent felons from choosing the governor would result in putting the choice of governor ENTIRELY in the hands of felons.
This, I think, is why the British have stuck with royalty for so long. 
Index 

CBS KYOTO(2)
Moved: 2/18/2005 17:01
Cities in rebellion. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network, sponsored by Tri-Omega, pure and concentrated Omega-3 Supplement. If it doesn’t say Tri-Omega, throw it back.
The Kyoto climate treaty took effect last week, and as we all know, the United States is officially sitting this one out, having determined that Global Warming is bogus.
But now, an interesting protest movement has developed. Some LOCAL municipalities have adopted the treaty ON THEIR OWN.
Now, the US Constitution declares: "No State shall enter into any Treaty..." But in what appears to have been a major oversight by the Founding Fathers, the Constitution says NOTHING about CITY officials, and so some of them have simply decided to exercise unilateral power and pre-emptively cap greenhouse gasses with complete impunity.
In fact the Mayor of Seattle plans to lobby other cities to join a green “coalition of the willing.” Seattle adopted the Kyoto protocols four years ago, cutting paper use 30%, providing dockside electricity to cruise ships so they can shut off their engines, and building a new city hall with a green roof. 
Yes! The roof is planted with grass, shrubs and flowers. Not for decoration — its purpose is to keep sea level from rising! And all of this flies in the face of official US policy. Of course, Kyoto is a pretty unusual treaty, since the main party to the agreement is the troposphere, and if a bunch of scofflaws decide they’d going to unilaterally protect it, there’s not much the feds can do.
By the way, I have a suggestion for frustrated climatologists who sometimes write me asking how they can get this administration to take global warming seriously. And I tell them, it’s simple: all you have to do is show that terrorists emit unusual amounts of carbon dioxide. 
Now this. 
Index 

CBS CLASS ACT
Moved: 2/18/2005 12:12
Frivolous lawsuits, GUILTY as charged. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
The President’s class action reform bill has sailed into law — so that from now on, the larger class action suits will go to FEDERAL courts, where the rules are tougher.
It got support from a good chunk of Democrats too — such is power of the phrase, “frivolous lawsuit,” which has been tattooed on the American brain. And class actions are easy targets, because those are the suits where lawyers sue on behalf of thousands of people … who didn’t even ASK for a suit on their behalf.
Some law firm sues over a bad stock, overpriced vitamins, unsafe Pokemon toys in Burger King Meals, and then five years later you get an incomprehensible document awarding you ten bucks if you can figure out what the hell they’re talking about.
Of course SOME class action suits involve very REAL injuries.
And lawyers warn this “class action” bill will erode your rights, and that it just got easier for corporations to rip you off. But corporations chortle at that; they say it’s the LAWYERS who’ve been doing the ripping off, and they plan to target frivolous medical malpractice suits next.
As for the rest of us, well, we’ll soon see who was telling the truth.
Because among the companies who say they’ve been ripped off by class action suits and who lobbied congress for this bill are: Ford Motor Co., Intel, Pfizer, and Allstate. Which means that over the next few years, you should see plummeting prices for cars, computers, prescription drugs, and liability insurance.
And — after they end frivolous malpractice claims — we should see HEALTH insurance premiums plummet. 
And if not, well, I guess you could sue. Good luck, though.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS VIOXX
Moved: 2/18/2005 12:12
The real problem with Vioxx. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
You’ve heard about the Vioxx debate — Vioxx is the new miracle painkiller that was voluntarily pulled from the market, after a study turned up an unfortunate side effect — a doubled risk of heart attack and stroke among the people taking it.
It’s part of a class of drug called COX-2 inhibitors, which were developed to treat pain effectively while being easier on the stomach. And they DO treat pain effectively, and they ARE easier on the stomach, but what nobody noticed until a lot of people started using them is that they are NOT easy on the heart.
And the problem with that is that the death rate from stomach ulcers is only 5%, while the death rate from heart attacks is 40%.
Prompting one FDA investigator, Dr. David Graham, to do something the FDA hardly ever does these days — question whether these drugs are necessary at all.
He thinks that above a certain dose, ALL COX-2 drugs affect the heart. While at the same time, they’re no better at reducing pain than the older and much cheaper drugs they were designed to replace.
Merck has looked at this and figured — OK, well, if ALL these drugs are dangerous, then ours is no more dangerous than the rest, and so maybe we should put it back on the market.
Yikes!
This whole debate reveals something that most people don’t know about new drugs. To be approved, a new drug need only be better than a placebo. It need not be better than a cheaper drug that’s already out there. In fact a new drug may NOT be better, just different.
Which is why you see so many ads.
Man — if a new drug only has to beat the placebo — use something better than a sugar bill. At least test them against a piece of chocolate cake...!
Now this. 
Index 

CBS TERROR
Moved: 2/17/2005 10:18
We just want to feel safe! This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
CIA director Porter Goss testified before Congress Wednesday and he had good news.
GOSS: “In the past year aggressive measures… have in fact dealt serious blows to al Qaeda.”
A sound bite like that, it’s like fresh-squeezed orange juice. Tell me more about how safe we are:
GOSS: “The Iraq conflict, while not a cause of extremism has become a cause for extremists.”
I’m sorry — I didn’t quite get that.
GOSS:…Islamic extremists are exploiting the Iraqi conflict to recruit new anti US Jihadists (STOP)
Whoa wait a minute. Thank you for sharing, but … we’ve spent 300 billion dollars in Iraq to KILL jihadists. 
GOSS: “Those jihadists who survive will leave Iraq experienced and focused on acts of urban terrorism.”
Like… what kind of acts?
GOSS: “It may be only a matter of time before al Qaeda or another group attempts to use chemical, biological, or radiological, or nuclear weapons.”
OK — you know — somebody get this man back on track. Senator — jump in any time!
JAY ROCKEFELLER: “Can you assure the American people that the material missing from Russian nuclear sites has not made its way into terrorist hands. GOSS: No Senator, I can’t make that assurance.”
Fine then, we’ll just find somebody who can. Mr. FBI director — set us straight here:
MUELLER:… “We are also extremely concerned with a growing body of sensitive reporting that continues to show al Qaeda’s clear intention to ultimately use some form of chemical, biological, radiological, or nuclear material in its attacks against the United States.
You know, the problem with congressional testimony is that the red light never comes on soon enough. Now this. 
Index 

CBS KYOTO
Moved: 2/16/2005 15:46
Happy Kyoto Day. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
Today is the day the big global warming treaty takes effect, obligating many nations to cut the amount of greenhouse gases they emit.
And the best part about it is… we’re not one of them. Early in his Presidency Mr. Bush declared that Kyoto is dead, so we get to reap the benefits without making any of the sacrifices.
And I think it’s fair to say that his stand has perfectly captured the general indifference of Americans on this issue.
Global warming put us to sleep. Unless al-Qaeda’s behind it we don’t care.
Europeans, I realize, have the treaty’s provisions stitched into their underwear, and they get all huffy about our ignorance on this issue. But I want to tell our European friends: we’re good people; we don’t want to be responsible for the end of the world — we just want proof. 
We understand the ice caps could melt. We understand at sea level could rise. But if you’re going to make us drive around in cars that look like rolling lima beans, we want to feel the high tide lapping at our ankles. We want to see the iceberg crashing into the Statue of Liberty.
That’s all! Not a lot to ask!
We have this little aversion to sacrifice, understand? Do you think we’d be so gung-ho about Iraq and holding up purple fingers if we were actually paying for it? Please! 
Do you think we’d even consider reforming Social Security if we actually had to pay for the transition? Instead of borrowing the two trillion dollars?
Of course not. No, we’re going to make our kids pay these things off, but we are not callous. Far from it. We just figure that if we’re going to ask our kids work that hard, then by golly, they should at least be able to dress in short sleeves while they’re doing it. Now this. 
Index 

CBS JACKSON
Moved: 2/15/2005 11:29
Calling all stars! This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
Normally, it can be difficult to find jurors who will commit six months of their lives to a child molestation trial. But serving on the Michael Jackson jury just got way more interesting.
The defense list of potential witnesses, reads like a roster from the Tonight Show green room.
Elizabeth Taylor, Diana Ross, Stevie Wonder, Maury Povich, David Blaine - the magician who lived in a plastic box suspended above the Thames for 44 days, Kobe Bryant - who was accused of rape by a woman whose story later fell apart, Barry Gibb of the BeeGees, spoon-bender Uri Geller - who a lot of us had frankly lost track of, and Jay Leno himself.
Most of them will be there as character witnesses, to demonstrate that Michael Jackson is just another California non-conformist who's been unfairly smeared in the media.
As for the prosecution - their strategy appears to be to pack the jury with church-going cultural conservatives whose refrigerators are covered with Kindergarten homework, and who voted Republican.
— People who are not likely to be impressed Michael Jackson OR Uri Geller. But if you think about it — that could backfire. Because… they would also be the kind of parents who would never in a million years send their kids to play at the Jackson house. Remember, it's not as if the kid just wandered into Jackson's yard to fetch a soccer ball. That kid’s mother LET Her son stay overnight in the home of a guy who dresses in gold braid.
A conservative jury might just want to strike a blow for the concept of parental responsibility.
I mean, let's face it. Most parents long ago got the message: if your kid is off playing at the Jackson place, you make sure he's home by dinner.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQ ELECTION
Moved: 2/14/2005 11:38
The election results are in — time to debate what they mean. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network, sponsored by Tri-Omega, pure and concentrated Omega-3 supplement. If it doesn't say Tri-Omega, throw it back.
The meaning of the Iraqi election depends on which analysis you believe. Everyone agrees that the candidates representing the Shiite majority — the group with the closest ties to neighboring axis-of-evil member Iran — got a majority in the new assembly. But does that mean we just spent 300 billion dollars to make a bunch of ayatollahs very happy?
The Washington Post quotes experts who say this could indeed set the stage for some sort of religious alliance with Iran. 
While the New York Times article indicates it merely signals a weak and ineffective government that will have its work cut out reassuring the millions who boycotted the vote.
What IS pretty clear is that the US-backed candidates tanked. Ayad Allawi, the prime minister we installed, came in a distant and will probably be looking for a job soon.
But as the President said at his inauguration, Democracy is not about what WE want:
BUSH: “America will not impose our own style of government on the unwilling. Our goal instead is to help others find their own voice, attain their own freedom, and make their own way.”
Which appears to be exactly what has happened. As for any alliance with the ayatollahs of Iran … I dunno. With the reports of drones flying overhead and the spies planted down below, the ayatollahs might soon be welcoming a liberation of their own.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS MILLER
Moved: 2/11/2005 14:59
When they start not smiling. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
Playwright Arthur Miller is dead at the age of 89 — a man who assured his immortality at the age of 33 when he spent six weeks writing Death of a Salesman.
It was the story of Willy Loman, a salesman who despite his name refused to admit where he was on the totem pole.
At his almost deserted funeral — his neighbor Charley described him in that famous line —“A man way out there in the blue, riding on a smile and a shoeshine. And when they start not smiling back… that’s an earthquake.”
He was a guy who felt it was important to be important… and realized too late that his family didn’t need the money as much as it needed him.
It would be up to his son Biff to discover the truth in their final confrontation.
“I ran down eleven flights with a pen in my hand today” He tells his Dad, trying to make him look him in the eye “And suddenly I stopped, you hear me? And in the middle of that office building — do you hear this? I stopped in the middle of that building and I saw — the sky. I saw the things that I love in this world. The work and the food and the time to sit and smoke. And I looked at this pen and said to myself, what the hell am I grabbing this for? Why am I trying to become what I don’t want to be? What am I doing in an office, making a contemptuous begging fool of myself when all I want is out there, waiting for me the minute I say I know who I am?”
Arthur Miller himself said he didn’t realize the resonance his play would have so many years later. But they still serve as a wake up call for a culture where you are what you do.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS NORTH KOREA
Moved: 2/11/2005 14:53
How DO you solve a problem like Korea? This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
A day after confirming it has nuclear weapons, North Korea insists on negotiating the issue directly with us. Kim Jong-Il thinks a few dozen nukes and missiles that can potentially hit the West Coast entitles him to an entry in Condoleezza Rice’s day-planner.
In a way — it’s refreshing. Finally, a rogue nation that just ADMITS everything! No agonizing over whether the CIA got it right THIS time. No, North Korea is real down-home Communism. They do the goose-step, everybody in the stadium holds up their red card at exactly the same time, and they wave their nukes in your face.
Well of course, the President turned down their meeting request flat.
But if we’re not going to meet with them, we can’t just blow them off either — just in case they’re not bluffing about those missiles. So what WILL we do — besides continue to build that rogue-missile-interception system which isn’t working yet? 
I was talking with Bill Triplett, the author of a book called “Rogue State”, and he says North Korea isn’t acting alone. That there is a hand up Kim Jong Il’s back — a little organization called the People’s Republic of China. And that the way to get the straitjacket on Mr. Kim is to insist that CHINA do it.
Or else what, I asked him.
Or else we might stop buying so many Chinese products, he replied.
Whoa! Now that WOULD be hardball! Cutting off imports from China. I don’t know. Facing down Kim Jong Il is one thing. But facing down Wal Mart — I’m not sure our defense budget is quite large enough.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAN NUKE
Moved: 2/10/2005 10:52
North Korea needs to calm down. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
North Korea now says it has a nuclear weapon. Why now? I think I know. You see, for the last week, we’ve been issuing warnings about Nukes… but we’ve been issuing them to IRAN: 
At the State Department briefing:
ERBIL: “Iran’s failure to address the concerns of the international community remains a problem.”
At the White House briefing:
McCLELLAN: “Iran with a nuclear weapon would be a very destabilizing force in the region and in the world.”
From the Secretary of State:
RICE: “Iran should not use the cover of civilian nuclear power development to sustain a program that could lead to a nuclear weapon”
From the President himself…
BUSH: “The Iranians just need to know that the free world is working together to send a very clear message, don’t develop a nuclear weapon.”
It was the plot of last night’s episode of NBC’s West Wing.
ACTOR: “Either the Iranians deliberately killed innocent British and American citizens or they tried to shoot down your spy plane because they wanted to continue building nuclear weapons.”
And all this was apparently too much for the North Koreans who decided enough about Iran, how about you pay attention to us, and so today they issued a statement essentially saying — yoo hoo! While you guys are trying to stop Iran from building a weapon… we already have one!
I just want to tell the North Koreans to relax… We are the superpower, but we’re a little overworked right now, and we’ll get around to threatening you as well, (MONTAGE) but you’re just going to have to wait your turn!
SHEEN: “The Iranians have spread out their nuclear facilities. We don’t even know where half of them are!” 
Index 

CBS BUDGET
Moved: 2/9/2005 11:17
Hey Congress — if you won’t reform Social Security for the next generation of Americans, then do it … for the Chinese. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
The President’s Social Security reform proposal has hit the Congressional buzz saw. Everybody’s a critic, full of dire warnings about how it will balloon the debt and inflate interest rates.
But the President’s budget director, Josh Bolten, told Congress that despite the nation’s 7.6 trillion dollar debt, the dire predictions about interest rates have been wrong:
BOLTEN, COOPER:…. Yes.”
…That was Representative Jim Cooper of Tennessee chiming in. And it prompted the President’s budget director to respond with an argument I hadn’t heard before: That a big reason to reform Social Security … is it to maintain the confidence of those Chinese lenders:
BOLTEN… entitlement programs.”
There it is! Why didn’t you say so before? It make sense. If we’re going to run a debt of 7.6 trillion, we have to convince the Chinese and our other lenders that we can pay them back. And the way to do that is to demonstrate that we will NOT be paying as much to our own future retirees. So you see kids: by accepting private accounts, you’re not only assuming control of your own retirement, you’re helping an overseas lender sleep better at night.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS TRUCE
Moved: 2/9/2005 11:16
Another truce. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network sponsored by Tri-Omega, pure and concentrated Omega-3 supplement. If it doesn't say Tri-Omega, throw it back.
It's a truce between Israel and the future country of Palestine. Yes, we've heard this promise before. But there's an important difference this time... listen carefully:
TRANSLATOR:...
See, it's not the words - we've heard encouraging words before. It's the voice behind the translator. The man doing the speaking is NOT Yasser Arafat! 
This time the promise to stop all fighting on the Palestinian side comes from Mahmoud Abbas, who appears to have decided to do something Arafat wouldn't - ACTUALLY STOP THE FIGHTING - by sending out Palestinian security forces to not only arrest the bad guys, but HOLD THEM, a task that should be considerably easier now that Yasser Arafat isn't there to release them.
Stopping weapons smugglers should be easier too - now that Yasser Arafat isn't there arranging to smuggle weapons.
Of course, the ruins of failed truces litter the Mideast landscape - but the zeitgeist seems different this time. Even the two most radical groups, Hamas, and Islamic Jihad, plan to run candidates in local elections next July! Democracy is SO contagious.
MAHMOUD ABBAS: "Peace and hope."
And Yasser Arafat is SO dead.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS SUPERBOWL
Moved: 2/7/2005 11:46
Pushing the envelope. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
The Superbowl is traditionally where television pushes the envelope. TO see how much change the culture can stand.
This year was supposed to be a year of penance for last year’s eruption of half-time prurience, but there were still a few edgy moments.
Such as the mock congressional hearing where the breasty dancer breaks a strap during her testimony and forces a Senator to reach for the oxygen:
COMMERCIAL: “I could do a routine where I went like this… Surely you must realize by now that you’re upsetting the committee? I’m sorry I//”
And for those of who you paid attention to the actual show, there was Terrell Owens playing a pretty assertive game on his broken leg — proving that when God says it’s OK to play, its OK of play.
Paul McCartney, at age 62 taking off his jacket midway through his half time set, and almost bustin’ a dance move during Get Back. Trusting that the crowd could sing the coda to Hey Jude.
But the thing that truly pushed the envelope in Sunday’s broadcast wasn’t a commercial, or a singer, but the debut of a device that promises to change the way football is broadcast; a piece of technology that breaks all remaining barriers between the player and the fan. The thing that will set Superbowl 39 apart from everything that has gone before was the debut of the end zone PYLON CAM:
ANNOUNCER: “If you were an orange foam pylon, that’s what it would look like, right down the line”
If that that doesn’t make you reach for the oxygen, you’re already dead!
Now this. 
Index 

CBS SOCIAL SECURITY 2
Moved: 2/4/2005 16:39
Danger ahead. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
This was the week the warning went out. That unless we do something now, the next 25 years will see the beginning of a crisis for the next generation, a crisis which will get worse in 50 years, and become a catastrophe after 70 years.
Oh come on Dave, you’re blowing this Social Security thing all out of proportion.
Social Security? I’m not talking about Social Security… although there certainly have been plenty of scary warnings about social security lately.
No! I’m talking about another warning, which came at a conference in London called by Tony Blair — where scientists issued a detailed timetable of the destruction due to — Global warming.
According to the timetable, based on the best available scientific projections, in 25 years, the climate change could be enough to cut food production and water supplies in some developing countries. In 50 years, temperatures will be warm enough to start killing off trout and salmon in mountain streams here in the US.
And after 70 years, there will be 5.5 billion people facing large losses of crop production.
Plus there was the report on Tuesday that the West Antarctic ice sheet might be disintegrating, an event which, if it goes all the way, would raise sea level by 16 feet.
And it drives me nuts! Where do these scientists get off predicting what’s going to happen 25 and 50 years from now. Who do they think they are, accountants?
They need to drop this Global Warming stuff and get busy on projects that will do some good, like reforming Social Security.
So our kids will have the money to move their retirement trailers to higher ground. Now this. 
Index 

CBS CHURCHILL
Moved: 2/4/2005 16:38
Loose lips; pink slips. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
It happened during a conference of defense contractors in San Diego. Lieutenant General James Mattis, who fought in Afghanistan, expressed a little too much enthusiasm for his job: 
MATTIS: “It’s a hell of a hoot. It’s fun to shoot some people.”
His comments outraged Muslim groups.
AVID: “It sends the very negative message to the Muslim world that US generals do not care about human life.”
But because he was merely expressing the realities of war, he will keep his job.
A very different situation … for a certain college professor who ALSO expressed the realities of war as HE sees them.
Professor Ward Churchill of the University of Colorado, argued that the 9/11 attacks were retaliation for the sanctions that killed a half million Iraqi children. He said that al Qaeda’s targeting of the Pentagon and the Twin Towers — was no different than the targeting of Germany’s industry in World War II. 
CHURCHILL: “They were targeting those people I refer to as little Eichmanns, who were making the US economic system hum at their expense.”
As for the innocent rescuers who were killed — they, he said, are what we have come to call “collateral damage.”
Not very nice, Professor. Although unlike General Mattis, Professor Churchill did not express pleasure in the taking of human life. 
No matter. Governor Bill Owens of Colorado wants Churchill fired:
OWENS: “Ward Churchill as an American has the right to say whatever he wants, but as an a\employee of the University of Colorado, he shouldn’t”
Hmm. So freedom of speech should NOT extend to those on the public payroll.
But General Mattis, who called killing a “hoot” is on the public payroll too. And his boss is THIS man:
BUSH: “We must strive to build a culture of life.”
It’s a strange world. Now this. 
Index 

CBS SOCIAL SECURITY
Moved: 2/3/2005 14:59
Saving Social Security. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
Here are the basic rules of President Bush’s Social Security reform, as laid out in a White House briefing:
If you’re over 55, nothing changes.
Everybody younger would have their future benefits trimmed, BUT to make up for it, they could open voluntary private accounts, which would work as follows:
Starting four years from now, workers born between 1950 and 1965 could start investing 4% of their wages in private accounts, up to $1000 a year. That maximum would increase every year.
For your protection you could only invest your private money in government-approved investment funds.
Upon retirement, you would have to use at least part of your private money to buy a lifetime annuity from the government, which would pay you a set monthly amount until you die, like Social Security does now, but the REST of the private money is yours to spend or pass on.
But I know what you’re saying, you’re saying, Dave, Dave, Dave — government annuities, investment funds — I’m a busy person, just tell me whether I should opt in, and how much I’m gonna get!
Well, it depends on how your investments do. And the rule of thumb, according to yesterday’s special White House briefing, is that workers who think their private investments would earn at least 3 percent a year should participate, and others should not.
By the way, if you were thinking of calling the toll free Social Security number to see if they can tell you whether to expect a 3% return between now and when you retire:
PHONE MESSAGE: “Please hold. Due to heavy call volumes, we cannot transfer your call to an agent at this time.” (hangup)
Oh well. But the good part is that now, we have something other than terrorism to worry about for the next 20 years! Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQ SUCCESS
Moved: 2/2/2005 12:18
Is it “victory” yet? This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
With the Iraqi elections looking like a success, critics who predicted failure — like Jimmy Carter and Michael Moore — have been VERY subdued.
That doesn’t surprise me. But what does surprise me is how subdued the White House has been.
Democrats and some Republicans have been pushing for at least a wink and nod from the White House that our soldiers might be on the way home sometime soon. Because the facts are clear: Iraqis showed up, they defied the insurgents, voted in huge numbers, their army stood firm. That easily meets the expectations the President set before the election.
But from White House spokesman Scott McClellan … it sounded more like a reason to stay than to leave:
McClellan: So this was an important step that was taken on Sunday, but there is more work that remains to be done, and the United States will be there throughout that process.
Guys! There was dancing in the streets — 23 months late, but it happened.
Turnout was so strong in some areas they ran out of ballots!
That picture of a kidnapped soldier put up on the web by insurgents — a toy company exec recognized it as one of his company’s military action figures. Insurgents are so desperate they threatening to behead DOLLS now!
Doesn’t that sound like victory?
But Dave, you say, if the President declares victory, might he not be misleading us? I have no idea. What I do know is: it’s 2005. We are the United States of America. Victory is whatever we say it is. Nobody cares anymore about the misleading information that got us INTO Iraq. Who is going to care if it takes a little misleading information… to get us out? Now this. 
Index 

CBS FOREHEAD
Moved: 2/2/2005 12:18
This skin available. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
Andrew Fischer has started a movement. At the age of 20, this web designer from the Omaha, Nebraska heartland put his forehead up for rent on eBay, and hooked a contract to wear an anti-snoring logo... for $37,375 a MONTH.
Way more than you can make selling internal organs.
And it has set off a scramble among people with any decent amount of space at ALL between their ears to do the same.
EBay now has close to 400 active auctions for forehead space:
Here's one: "Advertise on my forehead. My name is Donnie. My fiance is gonna kill me when someone wins this auction but my God & Savior, chocolate peanut butter ice cream, made me do this..." No bids yet, for some reason.
Here's a guy who works in a Chicago nightclub who will rent you NOT only his forehead, but his back in the spring and summer when he plays beach volleyball.
Here's a guy in Levittown PA who promises not only to go to college parties and the pool hall wearing your logo, but to hang around the window outside the Today Show - his bid is up to $1500. Hang out at the Michael Jackson trial, man!
Here's a guy who'll put your ad absolutely anywhere: (QUOTE)
IF ITS MY FOREHEAD FINE.
IF ITS MY FOREARM FINE.
I HAVE NO FORESKIN BUT IF YOU WANT IT DOWN THERE, FINE.
IF YOUR A CONDOM COMPANY, BASED ON MY EXAMPLE THAT I AM SETTING HERE, I WOULD BE A GOOD PERSON TO ADVERTISE ON... SHOULD MY PARENTS HAVE USED PROTECTION???
And there are signs the movement is about to take the next step:
ADVERTISE ON MY CHEST!
I am the proud owner of 2 beautiful breasts and I am willing to advertise on them for the right price. 
Bidding so far - $301 - and that's for TWO.
The magic of competition. Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQ ELECTION
Moved: 2/2/2005 12:14
They came, they stood, they voted - and most important, they lived to tell about it. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. Sponsored by Tri-Omega, pure and concentrated Omega-3 supplement. If it doesn't say Tri-Omega, throw it back."
BUSH:... "The Iraqi people themselves made this election a resounding success."
And by all accounts I've seen and heard, he's right. The turnout was high; the streets did NOT run with blood - at least not by Iraqi standards; and when the votes are counted, Iraq will have its first elected national assembly.
In fact, Ali Fadel, the new Mayor of Baghdad, said he'd like to put up Baghdad's own statue of Liberty - in the image of George W. Bush! It kind of feels like Happy Days are Here again! We can start making the argument for bringing the troops home. 
KERRY:..."No one should... over-hype this election."
Senator, what are you talking about. WHY not? Americans are ready for the soldiers to come home. We're ready for the Michael Jackson trial:
BUSH:... "Terrorists and insurgents will continue to wage their war against Democracy. And we will support the Iraqi people in their fight against them. 
Whoa... Mr. President? You too? That almost sounds like we're not coming home any time soon:
RICE:... The process of Democracy going forward now will have its ups and downs; its twists and turns..."
Madame Secretary - not you too! Somebody didn't take her positive pills this morning. Of course there are going to be twists and turns, but do we have to be there to see them in person?
RICE:.... Security forces//"
The right... MIX. Where's the hype when you need it. 
Index 

CBS BUSTER
Moved: 1/28/2005 14:35
Buster gets busted. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
Well, it appears that alternative sexuality is running rampant in the cartoon world.
Last week it was SpongeBob in trouble for tolerating homosexuality, and this week, it’s PBS’s Buster the Bunny, star of Postcards from Buster.
The series follows Buster, a cartoon bunny who wears a backpack as he travels America meeting ordinary people and discovering the diversity of our great land.
But in one episode, he visits Vermont to learn about Maple syrup, and his hosts are a lesbian couple and their children, who show him how it’s done.
That prompted the new Secretary of Education, Margaret Spellings, to request that PBS return the federal money spent on the episode, on the grounds that many parents would not want their young children exposed to the lifestyles portrayed.
I have to agree. Who wants their children to think its OK to bleed a defenseless tree for its sap!
But in my own investigation of Postcard from Buster, I discovered THIS episode where Buster visits Mt Hood Oregon where he meets a boy who grows large vegetables:
“How big ARE these giant pumpkins.”
How big ARE these giant pumpkins!
Oh, but it doesn’t stop there!
“Bigger than a watermelon? Bigger! Bigger than a beachball? Bigger!”
Silence form the Department of Education.
I have to say, all of this is very strange to me, because I’m part of the generation that grew up when cartoons were completely innocent. In fact, I grew up convinced that cartoon characters had no genitalia of any kind. I watched cartoons starring dogs, cats, mice, ducks, and yes, BUNNIES — and they were like the Ken doll. Nothing. 
Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQ ELECTION
Moved: 1/28/2005 14:34
The purple badge of courage. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
The barbed wire and barricades are ready. The 90,000 cardboard voting booths are being set up. The campaigns are winding down.
On Sunday, an unknown number of Iraqi voters will choose from 111 party lists — including religious parties, America-Go-Home parties, even the Communist Party — and then, each person who votes will have his thumb marked in indelible ink so he can’t vote twice.
The purple badge of courage… impossible to rub off for at least 48 hours. During which time, you’d best not shake hands, or give a thumbs up, or commit a careless high-five, or do anything that might tell the wrong people you did your civic duty.
I know Americans are still divided on the war, but whatever side you stand on, you have GOT to admire the Iraqi voter.
They won’t even know WHERE the polls are until election day. They’ll have to search for them — on foot — because the roads will be cleared of all civilian vehicles.
And they’ll cast their ballots under a standing threat from Zarqawi and Company to shoot anyone who gets within 500 yards of a polling station.
No wonder nobody can predict the turnout. But here’s what I wonder. How many of US would turn out. How many of US would actually risk our lives to vote?
How many of us would head for the local elementary school if some group was threatening to pick US off on the way in? Here’s an idea that might help you relate: take a Sharpie, mark your thumb, and then spend the next 48 hours wondering what might be around the next corner.
We tend to dismiss the idea that Iraqis have what it takes to be like us. But what I wonder is, would WE have what it takes to be an Iraqi.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS DERAIL
Moved: 1/27/2005 9:43
This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. Sponsored by Tri-Omega, pure and concentrated Omega-3 supplement.

If it doesn't say Tri-Omega, throw it back.
Yesterday’s derailment in Glendale was one of those disasters that immediately makes you think of terrorism. Trains upended, wreckage and casualties everywhere — 11 people dead. And in fact, the police initially set up a counter-terrorism post at the crash site.
But as it turns out, it wasn’t the deliberate work of a terrorist. It was the improvised work of a “suicidist.”
Just an ordinary man feeling suicidal, apparently over the breakup of his marriage, who went crazy, cut his wrists, stabbed himself, drove around a crossing gate, then started driving along the tracks until his Jeep Cherokee was so firmly wedged between the rails that it was literally able to stop a train.
What do you do about that?
If it HAD been terrorism, we’d know EXACTLY what to do. We’d start patrolling grade crossings on passenger routes, we’d accelerate programs to eliminate grade crossings altogether, we’d install image-recognition surveillance cameras to spot track obstructions, our leaders would set ambitious goals, and articulate bold visions.
No cost would be too high. No appropriation too generous, no deficit too scary. We would spend what it takes, because anyone who dared to say it’s too much would be on the side of the terrorists.
But like I say, the guy wasn’t a terrorist … he was a suicidist, part of the background noise in a country whose attention right now is focused on more important matters.
And it’s not as if we haven’t done anything. Last year the federal government spent fully 166 million dollars on rail safety. Enough to finance our Iraq operations for about … 27 hours.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS BUSHCON2
Moved: 1/26/2005 12:46
Eyes straight ahead. This is DR...
The closer the Iraqi election gets, the worse the news seems to get. But the President today stood firm in his role as Visionary in Chief.
BUSH:… “The fact that they’re voting in itself is successful”
Reporters didn’t seem to get it. They tried to trap him with questions about military casualties, discouraging opinion polls, voter intimidation. To no avail.
When you have a vision, you look straight ahead:
BUSH:… “I believe this country is best when it heads toward and idea world. We are at our best and in doing so we’re reflecting universal values and universal ideas that honor each man and woman.”
Yes, casualties are important. But when you have a vision, you look beyond them:
BUSH: “And we weep and mourn when soldiers lose their life… but it is the long term objective that is vital and that is to spread freedom, otherwise the Middle East will continue to be a cauldron of resentment and hate; a recruiting ground for those who have this vision of the world that is the exact opposite of ours.”
Which means things like deficits have to take a back seat:
BUSH: “We’re witnessing amazing history… and the fundamental question is can we advance that history, and that’s what my inauguration speech said: yes we can.”
It’s not about making news, but making history. And it will be up to history to decide who truly had vision, and who was simply wearing blinders. 
Index 

CBS SPONGEBOB
Moved: 1/26/2005 12:46
SpongeBob walks on the wild side. This is DR... sponsored by Posture D, calcium plus phosporus for healthy bones. Posture D in the orange box. 
SpongeBob, the strangely-popular cartoon character, may have gone too far. 
Focus on the Family, the Christian Family Values organization, notes that SpongeBob appears in a new video that includes a tolerance pledge, in which he and his friends, Barney and Jimmy Neutron, allegedly pledge to tolerate differences of sexual identity. 
`An insidious means by which the organization is manipulating and potentially brainwashing kids," said a Focus on the Family spokesman. 
And at a pre-inaugural black tie dinner here in Washington Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, noted that SpongeBob and his sidekick Patrick frequently ... hold hands. 
Well, I'm not surprised. Children should never trust animated underwater invertebrates. They are, after all, spineless creatures, every one of them. 
And, laugh all you want, but I realize now, in looking back on my own childhood, that a lot of cartoon behavior went unexplained. 
Because you see, I grew up on Looney Toons. And there is one relationship in particular that needs to be re-examined in light of what we know now -- I refer, of course, to Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd. 
Aha! I see nods of recognition. 
As we all know, Elmer Fudd's job was to hunt down and kill the "cwazy wabbit" and yet, all of us witnessed scene after scene where the out-of-control Bunny would clearly kiss Mr. Fudd DIRECTLY on the lips. Most of us were too young then to see it for what it was. 
But I ask you... what exactly IS the meaning... of What's Up Doc? 
Now this. 
Index 

CBS INAUGURAL
Moved: 1/26/2005 12:41
Found in translation. This is DR...
>
> Presidents can't speak the way regular people do. Because their job...
> especially at an inauguration, is to speak in a kind of presidential code.
> The idea is to say something significant, without being TOO specific about
> what that is.
>
> For example:
>
> "Some have ... found it firm."
>
> Translation -- "I am going to speak to you about Iraq without mentioning
the
> word Iraq"
>
> "Our country has accepted obligations that are difficult to fulfill, and
> would be dishonorable to abandon."
>
> Translaton -- Prepare yourselves for the fact that we may not be leaving
> Iraq even after the elections.
>
> "And when the soul of a nation... from our own."
>
> Translation, theocracy in Iraq .. if it gets us out -- might not be so
bad.
>
> "Make the choice to serve in a cause larger than your wants, larger than
> yourself"
>
> In the meantime, we remind young people the National Guard is not a bad
> career...
>
> "We are led by events and ... one conclusion."
>
> Translation -- listen carefully to what I say next:
>
> "The survival of liberty in our land... in other lands."
>
> Translation: Iran--yoo hoo!
>
> Now this. 
Index 

CBS COUNTER INAUGURAL
Moved: 1/26/2005 12:35
The Counter Inaugural. This is DR...
Everybody will see the inauguration, but only if you're here in Washington 
will you see the Counter Inaugurals. David Lytell, former Clinton 
Administration web guru, founder of "left.org" has organized a Counter 
Inaugural ball at a huge DC night club called "Dream."
But there is more to this than dreams. He is convinced that the last 
election will prove to be the Bush Administration's Watergate Break-in:
"I believe that what will happen over the course of the next several months... 
will come to light."
He says that voters were deliberately kept away from the polls; there was 
fraud in the balloting, and doctored software altered the counts - and it 
CAN'T be a matter of random error:
"It is literally impossible for all of the thousands of cases found around 
the country... if it were random, then half of the mistakes would favor Kerry, 
and half would favor Bush, but that's not what we find."
Lytell knows he will be dismissed by most of the media and even by John 
Kerry. But he remembers well when people like him were dismissed for 
doubting the existence of weapons of Mass Destruction:
"In this case we're talking about the integrity of American Democracy... 
proven right later."
Now this. 
Index 

CBS INAUGURATION
Moved: 1/26/2005 12:35
Cuddled up in the security blanket. This is DR, in Washington D.C. this week and sponsored by Tri-Omega, pure and concentrated Omega-3 supplement. If it doesn't say Tri-Omega, throw it back! 
I got fingerprinted yesterday. For my Inauguration credentials. 
I've been fingerprinted for credentials before - but not like this. This was the full Monty. First the thumbs and the fingers together, and THEN, each individual finger ROLLED along a moving plate to get the SIDE prints as well. 
It was almost like ... they didn't trust me. 
But this week in Washington, everyone can expect to get the once over from about 6,000 cops and 7,000 troops... and so imagine my surprise to see the front page of today's Washington Post with the headline: "As January 20th Nears, Terror Warnings Drop." 
And the story points out that despite all those warnings we kept getting during the Presidential campaign about how al-Qaeda had painted a bull's eye on America's political process, there is now "no credible information indicating that any terrorist group is targeting the Inauguration. 
I don't point this out to cast stones, because personally, I'm VERY happy to hear this... probably happier than most because I'm going to be in the press scaffold about 30 feet or so from the President. And so I can truthfully say I have never been more obsessed with the safety of the Commander in Chief. 
No, I only point this out as evidence that we live in an age where you don't wait for evidence; where security is not so much for actual threats, but for imagined threats. Because every Homeland Security official knows - an overreaction is soon forgotten. But an underreaction gets you hauled before Congress. Or... what's left of it. Now this. 
Index 

CBS OSCAR
Moved: 1/25/2005 11:01
Must we see all these movies? This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. Sponsored by Posture D, calcium plus phosphorous for healthy bones. Posture D in the Orange box.
The Oscar nominations are out — instantly dividing America into two countries — those who’ve seen the films that everybody is talking about and those who picked wrong and have nothing to say.
Some of us have a lot of catching up to do. Because we want to be culturally literate; and in America, film is the most celebrated form of culture. Because film is uniquely able to create utterly-convincing illusions. Unfortunately, the only nominee I’ve seen so far is “The Incredibles.”
Everything else sounded too depressing. For $8.50 … I want to leave HAPPY.
But it doesn’t matter — you’ve got to see them all.
Although, why pay good money to be subjected to illusions on the screen — when we’re getting’ it free everyday?
I was just running down the list of new stories … 
Elections in Iraq; six days away. But ARE they really elections? Can you have an election when there’s a war on? Who knows?
Today the Senate is holding a vigorous debate over whether Condoleezza Rice should be Secretary of State. Yet we all know she’s guaranteed to be confirmed. So is this a REAL debate, or not? Who knows?
Last week the President gave an inaugural address where he appeared to be launching a new world-wide crusade for democracy, but the next day, his aides were telling reporters, NO, he didn’t mean to announce a new policy, it was just the same old policy, just with scarier words.
It’s ALL an illusion! All I know for sure is that Howard Hughes … looks JUST like that nice Leonardo DiCaprio. Now this. 
Index 

CBS PYRAMID
Moved: 1/14/2005 12:43
Would you people PLEASE eat right? You're paralyzing the government! This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
The Secretary of Health and Human Services - in one of his last official acts before leaving his job - held a news conference to announce that there will be further changes in the diet guidelines known as the government Food Pyramid.
And these changes could be so dramatic that the Pyramid part might be dropped altogether. And good riddance.
The Food Pyramid's main accomplishment has been to inspire Americans to adopt it as their body type.
But the NEW guidelines will change all that. They will be easier to understand, measuring portions in terms of cups and ounces, instead of serving size, and no longer will they emphasize the incomprehensible body mass index. Instead, they will emphasize counting calories, eating at least 4 1/2 cups of fruits and vegetables a day, avoiding sugar, and exercising at least 60 minutes a day to prevent weight gain.
60 minutes a day!
Yikes! Why not just reinstate the draft?
Are we THAT bad off to be punished like this?
Well, yes we are.
But let's face it. After twenty years of government warnings, we have come to learn that we like ourselves fat, and we hate exercise. We're Americans! These colors don't run - not do they jog, or do push-ups, and certainly not for 60 minutes a day.
If the government wants us to limit our portions, it's going to have to pry them from our warm greasy fingers!
And if they're looking for a new shape for the Food Pyramid ... shape it like something we can relate to. Shape it like Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Nobody will read it, but at least it will be posted everywhere. Now this. 
Index 

CBS APHRODISIAC
Moved: 1/14/2005 12:43
You think Saddam was trying to develop some creepy weapons! Wait until you hear about the creepy weapons WE were developing. 
This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
Ten years have now passed, so the story can finally be told. Newly declassified documents show that the Pentagon was toying with all sorts of non-lethal secret chemical weapons designed to sow havoc among enemy troops without actually killing them.
This may sound silly to you, but remember that ten years ago, we were in the Clinton Administration, and when you have a president who is attuned to feeling the pain of others, it's not surprising that he would want to win a war without killing anyone.
Think of it as a policy of Compassionate ... Annihilation.
And how would they have accomplished this? Well, according to the documents, one idea was to develop a sprayable sex potion - a fast-acting battlefield aphrodisiac - that would be sprayed over enemy battle positions, so that within minutes, enemy soldiers would become sexually irresistible to each other!
The homosexual orgy that would break out would completely distract the enemy, causing them to drop their weapons for the all-ages SHOWER dance. I'm just guessing on that one.
I'm also guessing that's one reason the army doesn't want gay recruits, because, in a sex gas battlefield scenario, how would you tell the sides apart?
But, it doesn't matter because according to the documents the Pentagon dropped the idea, and stuck with Shock and Awe. Sad really. I think with the sex gas, Iraq might be a democracy by now.
They would DEFINITELY have way better nightclubs.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS STEROIDS
Moved: 1/13/2005 11:31
Baseball goes off the juice. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
No more dancing around the problem of steroids in baseball. A little more than a year after the San Francisco Chronicle reported that three star players had used steroids, the players union and the owners have agreed to tougher penalties for juiced players — ten-day suspension on the first offense, up to a ONE YEAR suspension on the fourth.
Not as tough at the Olympic standard, where your first strike gets you canned for two years and two strikes gets you banned for LIFE — but for baseball, a big deal. And it guarantees one of two things will happen — players who were using it will stop; or labs will start cooking up new substances that can’t be detected.
Which way it goes depends… on whether the fans stand for a juice-free game.
A lazy day at the ballpark with normal-looking players standing in the outfield waiting for something to happen — that was fine back in the old days, when the only juice was tobacco.
But remember what ticket prices were in the old days.
A good seat at the 1910 World Series cost a DOLLAR, remember that? You could keep score on a ten-cent program.
In 1910 a family of four could spend a day at the ballpark for a little over 8 dollars.
In 1950 it was a little more — tickets to the World Series were $6, and an Oscar Meyer Red Hot Dog was 20 cents. But you get the point:
In the past hundred years the cost of living has gone up 18 times; the cost of a ball game — 30 times, and players revenue shares — 132 times!
So, the players will come off the juice… but they better find something to keep the FANS juiced… Maybe if they mooned ‘em once in a while. Or at least pretended. 
Index 

CBS IRAQSERV
Moved: 1/12/2005 15:27
Just in case anyone is still even a little bit curious, the Washington Post reports that the search… is over. This is Dave Ross, sponsored by Posture D, calcium plus phosphorous for healthy bones. Posture D in the orange box.
Before the war, the danger posed by Saddam Hussein was clear:
BUSH: “Secretly and without fingerprints he could provide one of his hidden weapons to terrorists, or help them develop their own.”
And so, a group of weapons-searchers known as the Iraq survey group has been combing Iraq to find any significant weapons stockpiles. 
But today the Washington Post reports that the search is officially over, and in fact, it ended last month. Conclusion — STILL NOT THERE. And very little chance that they were moved somewhere else. Plus its way too dangerous to be running around the country just now so we’re going home. 
As for the facilities to MAKE weapons — pretty much looted.
See? The looters were our friends after all!
In any case, we now know everything about Iraq’s non-existent weapons, except what it cost to NOT find them… the survey group’s budget remains a secret.
As for the Iraqi scientists still under lock and key, some members of the survey group think they should be released — including the man nicknamed Dr. Germ… and the woman known as Mrs. Anthrax — on the grounds that they haven’t touched a germ or a spore since the 1991 Gulf War and are basically harmless.
We have come a long way, haven’t we?
BUSH: “Imagine those 19 hijackers with other weapons and other plans, this time, armed by Saddam Hussein.
Imagine indeed. If only we’d known. But then, Iraq would never have had a crack at democracy. So maybe it all balances out.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS 60 MINUTES
Moved: 1/12/2005 15:25
When mistakes are not an option. This is Dave Ross sponsored by Tri-Omega, pure and concentrated Omega-3 supplement.
If it doesn't say Triomega, throw it back.
It was a pretty embarrassing day for CBS.
The network released an independent evaluation of last September's 60 Minutes report, which was based on bogus documents implying the President skipped out on his National Guard obligation. "Considerable and fundamental deficiencies," said the panel - and four CBS staffers were axed.
Democrats pointed out that there was just as much bad reporting during Bill Clinton's impeachment, and that CBS's mistake notwithstanding, questions still remain about the President's national guard service.
But a Republican media consultant called this case a warning to the rest of the media. And face it - except perhaps for Michael Moore, you're just not going to see reporters digging up more documents on George W. Bush. Not exactly a career-builder at this point.
Now, some of you might sheepishly point out that as bogus stories go, the CBS screwup was minor.
You might point out that there have been a number of whoppers with a lot more impact - like the bogus story line that Iraq had a role in 9/11. Indeed, polls show most still Americans believe that one, perhaps because so many public officials kept planting the implication.
But give it up. No one cares.
For me, I say, thank goodness those 60 Minutes people weren't in charge of things like ... oh, like intelligence gathering.
If you get something like THAT wrong, it's more than just embarrassing, it can be deadly. Although, come to think of it, they probably would have kept their jobs. Now this. 
Index 

CBS SOCIAL SECURITY
Moved: 1/6/2005 8:43
CBS-SOCIAL SECURITY 1/6/2005

Newt Gingrich is BACK and he's got Social Security on his mind. This is DR...

Newt Gingrich, former speaker of the House, is back in the news and stepping into the Social Security debate. His angle -- that the system needs to be reformed all right, but the President's reforms don't go far enough.

As you may recall, in our last episode, President Bush floated his first trail balloon for Social Security reform, involving letting wage earners put at least 2% of their payroll taxes into private accounts, and then in later years, cutting their Social Security benefits. The difference to be made up by their new private accounts. If they invest right.

As for the huge deficit that would cause -- he'd make it up by borrowing the difference, and adding to the national debt, and essentially making today's kids pay off those loans -- presumably with the fat retirement accounts they'd be enjoying by then.

But Newt Gingrich says this is nuts. If you cut benefits, he tells Republicans, the AARP and the Democrats will swarm over you like fire ants. He says lets the kids keep ALL their payroll tax, invest ALL of it in private accounts, and don't force ANY cuts in Social Security benefits. Yikes -- just how deeply in hock do we want to be?

See, the problem is that during the campaign, when the President talked about reforming Social Security, he never said how he'd do it.

He kept saying the system was broken. As I recall, the way the speech went was, the system was broken, we're gonna fix it, and by the way, on 9/11 the world changed.

Including the laws of basic arithmetic, I guess.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS AID & TERRORISM
Moved: 1/6/2005 7:13
CBS-AID & TERRORISM 1/05/05

It's official -- aid to the tsunami zone no longer simply charity. This is DR...

Secretary of State Colin Powell toured the Indonesian city of Banda Ache today -- a city where the damage is so enormous that the satellite pictures before and after bear no resemblance:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>powell SHORT
Time: 11s
Title: powell SHORT
Out-cue: ]

He called it worse than a war zone -- the very landscape itself was changed.

But something else he said is an indication that, however slow the Western response may have been in the beginning, it will be overwhelming now.

And we've already seen that, not just in the US aid commitment, but with Germany and Australia overnight raising their commitments by orders of magnitude.

The humanitarian aid, Powell said, is of course given without regard to religion. But everybody knows the affected areas ore heavily Muslim. And seeing those US choppers dropping food and medicine, said Powell "does give the Muslim world and the rest of the world an opportunity to see American...values in action."

And just to make it crystal clear what he was talking about, the outgoing Secretary of State, who had often been overruled in his calls for diplomacy, went ahead and connected the dots. Humanitarian aid, he said (QUOTE) "dries up those pools of dissatisfaction that might give rise to terrorist activity."

That sounds like a clear message to me: that aid to Indonesia, in Colin Powell's mind anyway, has gone beyond a humanitarian issue, and become a national security issue.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BAGHDAD
Moved: 1/4/2005 9:33
CBS-BAGHDAD 01/04/05
The search for a silver lining. This is DR...
It's been getting a little harder to find the news from Iraq lately. The tsunami pushed it to page four in one of our local papers, page five in the other.
Possibly because editors know that about 52% of the voters would like to see a positive spin on the news from Iraq, and it's tough. Let me see if I can give it a try: Most of the country's political officials appear to be still alive today. But one, sadly, isn't. The governor of Baghdad was assassinated this morning; ambushed in his car and gunned down, along with six bodyguards.
And there was this item: the director of Iraqi intelligence now estimates that the Iraqi resistance now numbers 200,000 if you include both the hard core fighters and their supporters. Which means they would outnumber coalition soldiers.
But you have to try to look for the silver lining in these stories. I mean, judging from the headlines, we've even managed to find a silver lining in the tsunami, for heaven's sake! -- That it will bring the US and Indonesia closer together.
So I guess in the case of Iraq -- it could be the bravery of Iraqi politicians.
Here in the US we trash our politicians. We figure they're either egomaniacs, or just ticking off the days 'til they land that fat lobbying job on the outside.
But in Iraq, you have to be MOTIVATED by something a lot bigger than that to run for office. It's got to be more than money or power. You really have to have a strong and deeply-felt desire to serve your country. Or a bizarre death wish.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS TSUNAMI
Moved: 1/3/2005 8:39
CBS-TSUNAMI 1/3/2005

Who we are. This is DR...

Pictures of American helicopters delivering aid where no one else can.

That's exactly what I want to see.

For every picture of a washed out village, I want to see helicopters with Americans unloading food and medicine, and attacking hunger and illness the way we'd attack any other enemy.

And when the immediate needs are met, and it's time to rebuild, I want to see American civilians respond with money and even a personal commitment.

And long after the headlines have disappeared, I hope we see thousands American volunteers... young people, old, people -- offering their skills to help rebuild.

Because they won't be just build homes -- they'll learn the local language, and eat the local food. They'll learn something about the local customs and religions, and the people they help will learn something about us.

And afterwards, I hope that those who gave help and those who received it will stay in touch. Maybe even visit from time to time.

All of which may sound a little idealistic. I don't know if a bond that close is possible. Many of the survivors of this disaster are far poorer than even the poorest Americans.

But just the same, that's what I'd like to see.

Some people believe that everything happens for a reason. That even apparently random events like natural disasters aren't random at all. I don't who's right about that, but I do know that whether events are random or not, the way you respond reveals a lot to the world about who you are.

It's true for individuals, and it's true for nations.

And I would like to show the world who we really are.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS STUPIDITY
Moved: 12/21/2004 12:47
CBS-STUPIDITY 12/09/03

Give stupidity a break. This is DR...

You cannot pick up a newspaper today without reading some columnist ridiculing some politician or public figure. Everybody seems to be doing something stupid. 
The front pages are full of people who screwed up the simplest things... like forgetting to keep their intimate sex video off the Internet. All the SMART people are back in the feature pages ...or the obits.

And this strikes a lot of people as wrong-- that we should pay so much attention to the stupid things and not the smart things.

Ah, the ignorance of the laity.

Stupidity is, in fact, essential -- the open ground on which wisdom can be planted; the canvas awaiting the paint, the fluorescent screen awaiting the electron.

In a world filled only with smart people, wisdom would merely be ... stating the obvious. Debate would cease; everyone would sit around getting drunk.

The accumulated wisdom that constitutes our culture would not exist if there had not been someone who needed to hear it.

"There is never time to do it right, but there is always time to do it over" how many times have you heard that? But you wouldn't hear it at all, except that once upon a time, there were people stupid enough NOT to do things right the first time.

"Fail to plan, plan to fail" -- no one would ever have written it down unless there was some idiot who needed to hear it.

So when you read about something stupid, do not fret; rather, raise a toast!

For the dirty little secret about smart people is that they wouldn't say half the smart things they do without stupid people to say them about.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS INTELLIGENT
Moved: 12/21/2004 12:47
CBS-INTELLIGENT 12/21/04

Teaching Intelligent Design. This is DR...

In Pennsylvania, the Dover Area School District is requiring that students learn about an alternative to the theory of evolution -- the theory of Intelligent design.

It teaches that the rotating flagellum of a bacterium, for example, is so exquisitely designed and so complex that evolutionary mechanisms such as random genetic mutation and natural selection could never explain it... and therefore there must have been some intelligent force at work.

No one seems to be able to explain exactly WHAT force that is, other than to imply that it was God. And THAT's why the ACLU is suing -- on the grounds that this is nothing more than religion in disguise.

Maybe it is -- but, you know, so what??

If school districts want to mix science and religion, what's the problem?

As long as it goes both ways.

If teachers have to evaluate scientific theories based on religious principles, then they should also be allowed to evaluate religious theories based on scientific principles.

It wouldn't be tough. Take a religious concept such as "Ask and ye shall receieve." One group of kids could be assigned to ask for, oh, a bicycle, by invoking the names of various deities; while a control groups just asks their parents. And then each group reports the results.

Or a concept like "FAITH can move mountains." Mrs. Smith's 6th grade class would gather around ten pound weight and try to move it -- first with a prayer, and then with a crowbar.

If school boards want to mix science and religion, I say: HAVE AT IT!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NEW ECONOMY
Moved: 12/21/2004 12:47
ECONOMY6.CBS 1/1/05 1:26
A new year, a new economy! This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
The second Bush term hasn't even started yet, and already, critics are pushing dire warnings about the economy.
Economists have given up trying to provide a clear snapshot of the federal deficit  they can't back up far enough to get the whole thing in the frame.
Social Security reform?  All SORTS of warnings about the idea of letting young people start private social security accounts. Because if the 20somethings put their payroll deductions in their own piggy banks, then they can't keep putting the money where's BEEN going, that being their retired PARENTS' piggy banks.
And if the government makes up the difference that would mean raising taxes, so we just borrow money from countries that have extra, and promise to pay it back with interest 30 years from now. But who'll end up having to PAY that interest, is the same kid who thinks he's going to be richer in 30 years for having his private social security account!
In the meantime, the dropping dollar means even Wal Mart will have to raise prices since they import just about everything, while at the same time, stores that sell luxury items are doing very VERY well thanks to the huge tax breaks for the upper crust which the lower crust doesn't resent because they know one day they'll either be the upper crust, or grow fat on the crumbs that drop from the table.
The bottom line is, we're entering an era of expensive wars, borrowed money, and doityourself retirement.
So if you get wind of a job that pays more money, comes with health care, and includes guaranteed retirement benefits  2005... would be a good time to take it.
Now this.
~C:\works\files\ECONOMY6.CBS 
Index 

CBS IMMIGRANTS
Moved: 12/21/2004 12:47
IMMIGRAN.CBS 12/20/04 8:31 PMDLR 1:25
Infatuated with America. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
Despite fits of xenophobia, I think that as Americans we still take pride in knowing that people from other countries still want to emigrate here. We know instinctively it's better living in a country that people would rather run TO than FROM.
And now we have evidence that demonstrates what it is that makes American culture so contagious; what it is WE have that the rest of the world is longing for.
It's the Patty Melt.
Oh, there are variations, usually involving an additional patty , or more "melt," but the basic recipe has stood the test of time: meat covered in fat surrounded by carbohydrates.
The evidence I refer to is a recent study published by the AMA, showing that within a few years of arriving here, a significant percentage of immigrants start getting fat. Of immigrants who lived here one year, only 8% were obese, but by the time they're here 15 years, that jumps to 19%.
That's still below the 22% obesity rate of nativeborn Americans, but clearly the immigrants are assimilating quite nicely.
And why not? A lot of the time they come from countries where they're living on sorghum and millet or some other terrifying grain that most of us plan to avoid until the day our stomachs are stapled.
Doctors, of course, find this a cause for concern. But this, to me, represents our final salvation. Every one of those insurgents you see on TV running from house to house with rocket propelled grenades  EVERY ONE OF THEM: healthy, young men with flat stomachs.
Well, 15 years of democracy  and they'll barely be able to pull themselves out of their Mesopotamian Barcaloungers.
Now this.
~C:\works\files\IMMIGRAN.CBS 
Index 

CBS MERRY CHRISTMAS
Moved: 12/21/2004 12:47
MERRY.CBS 12/25/04 1:25
Why we say Merry Christmas. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
Yes, Merry Christmas. There  I said it, and I don't care WHO it offends, because it seems like a nice thing to say this time of year, and I don't mean anything by it except perhaps a sudden need to express to a complete stranger my notverydeeplyfelt desire that his holiday won't end up being too depressing.
It's sort of like a seasonal God Bless You given even to people who haven't sneezed.
That's all I mean by it.
And yet every year, lawyers and preachers debate whether schools and other taxpayerfunded venues may display this most familiar of all holiday phrases.
Which leads me to my theory about the growing intensity of the Merry Christmas debate. I frankly think that truly religious people actually LIKE the idea that some public officials still try to ban "Merry Christmas."
And here's why. We all know that fir trees and Santa Clauses are allowed in public places  but do you know the reason? It's because the Supreme Court has determined that these icons no longer have any particular religious significance.
Well, if the expression "MERRY CHRISTMAS" became just as UNcontroversial, here you would have a society in which the term for Christ's Mass  a clearly religious occasion  is legally without religious meaning.
So of COURSE  you deliberately force Merry Christmas into the public square, actually HOPING to draw an official rebuke, thereby confirming that the phrase maintains at least SOME religious power.
Indeed  for a truly religious Christian ... the day to worry about is the day when you say Merry Christmas on government property ... and the courts DON'T notice. Now this. ~C:\works\files\MERRY.CBS 
Index 

CBS NATGUARD
Moved: 12/21/2004 12:47
NATGUARD.CBS 12/20/04 7:08 PMDLR 1:25
Where have all the soldiers gone? This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
It hasn't been easy lately... being a recruiter for the National Guard.
Recruitment is down as much as 30% and we all know the reasons. Long deployments, the cost to families and the cost to careers.
And you have to sympathize with the Pentagon here... because suddenly, it finds its marketing campaign confronting the one force which marketing people fear the most, because there's almost no way to spin it.
The Truth.
Military recruitment has collided head on with The Truth.
The purpose of an army is to fight wars, but recruiting ads never talk about the "war" part. They talk about the training, travel, the education, the team spirit  all of them good things. But the "war" part is covered by the phrase "serving your country." 
And the true terms of that service, as many a soldier who thought his obligation was over can tell you, are relegated to the fine print.
But now the fine print is the big print.
Everyone who joined the guard thinking it was about a few weekends and piling up retirement points now knows that it can mean something very different. It means you could be fighting in a real war for a long time. And not a blitz like Desert storm, but a messy urban war.
There's a very good chance of getting shot at, and getting shot at by enemies who aren't pushovers, and who aren't afraid of YOU or your equipment. Especially if you're scrounging it from a junkyard.
But here's how I look at it: If a war is worth fighting  for the protection of the homeland  the truth won't be an obstacle. And if that war ISN'T worth fighting, the truth is what will end it.
Now this. ~C:\works\files\NATGUARD.CBS 
Index 

CBS SCARY SANTA
Moved: 12/21/2004 12:47
SCARYSAN.CBS 12/24/04 1:26
When Christmas was... scary. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
Christmas eve. A night of anticipation. But also a night of... uncertainty. At least it was for me.
Because, you see, when I was growing up, there was a dark side even to our comfortable middle class Christmas.
When I was growing up, Santa wasn't just about delivering presents.... He was also about NOT delivering presents to children who were naughty.
Yes! I was part of the generation that was warned that disobedient children got COAL in their stocking.
I actually PAID attention to the lyrics of Santa Claus is Coming to Town. "Making a list, checking it TWICE , gonna find out whose naughty or nice..."
I mean, the Santa I knew was basically into 'round the clock surveillance. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. That terrifying little song started HAUNTING me the moment the tree came into the house.
Today, of course, it's all about selfesteem. Punishment is anything less than ten presents. Santa is all about YES. The mere mention of coal and he'd be sent to anger classes.
And we wonder why kids lip off. 
Now: I want to make it clear that our family had spectacular Christmases.
My parents had a highly developed sense of holiday drama.
The night before, we would set up the Christmas tree  undecorated, and close the Dining Room doors.
Then on Christmas morning, Mom and Dad would open the doors  and my sisters would scream like they'd won the showcase on the Price Is Right. That's how I remember it anyway.
But for me... that moment would always be tempered by the clear sense of relief that comes ONLY when you were raised to fear that it MIGHT have been otherwise. Now this. ~C:\works\files\SCARYSAN.CBS 
Index 

CBS RECOUNT
Moved: 12/21/2004 12:47
RECOUNT.CBS 12/20/04 5:52 PMDLR 1:25
How I learned to love the recount. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
Back in the 2000 presidential election, the Supreme Court finally called a halt to the counting in Florida because of the spectre of Constitutional chaos. We were warned that counting votes had become dangerous to democracy because in fact you could no longer be sure that votes were being counted accurately.
This year, there was no presidential recount, but there was a recount in Washington State. Becuase after 2.8 million votes were cast the answer turned out to be... 42. 42 votes seperating the Democrat from the Republican.
And so the recount was on.
There was fuming on all sides. Talk of a STOLEN election.
But I went to the recount sessions  my wife was one of the volunteer observers  and what did I see?
At each counting table, a Democrat and a Republican would each tally their piles of ballots, without disclosing the total until they were done. Those totals had to match. Then they would switch piles. Again, it had to match. If not, they would start over. Ballots in doubt went to the canvassing board.
Observers were about four feet away. My wife, who revels in finding misprints even in the church bulletin, was ruthless. Anything awry and she would snap her fingers. In short, it was a careful process, staffed by people who cared about democracy.
To my mind, a process that forces Democrats and Republicans to sit next to each other eight hours a day is a GOOD thing.
And those who ridiculed it as being less accurate than the machines, or unnecessary or somehow corrupt should remember ... as a wellknown President has said  Democracy is hard work.
Now this.
~C:\works\files\RECOUNT.CBS 
Index 

KIRO RECOUNT
Moved: 12/20/2004 8:54
KIRO-RECOUNT 12/20/04

It's the end game now -- the rhetoric is building toward a climax as we wait for the Supreme Court to interpret the opinion it laid down just last week, and decide what the word "retabulated" means.

Does it mean you count only the ballots that have already been counted, or does it mean you can count ballots that were NOT counted by mistake.

Strictly speaking, if a recount means you only count ballots that were previously counted, the total number of ballots counted shouldn't change. And in just about every county, they have.

Clark County found 58 total votes that weren't there the first time.

Kitsap County found 161 more votes that weren't there the first time.

Pierce County found 447 votes that weren't there the first time

King county will also find votes beyond these 735 ballots which the county says it mistakenly kicked out.

SO if the court rules that literally you can only count what you've already counted, a LOT of counties would have to adjust.

But the court in its decision quoted a state law which says county canvassing boards are free to fix "apparent discrepancies or inconsistencies."

Which this certainly is. No one, not even the Republicans have presented evidence that the 735 uncounted votes were somehow fabricated, or that these voters don't exist.

So there is no fraud here, no one is making up rules, what we have is a law which must be interpreted by the court, and the court will do that.

So how about we let the court do that, and stop trying to undermine our institutions. And quit dissing the people who have spent many hours trying to get it right.

They were there again on Sunday morning, you know -- counters and volunteers, going over the ballots vote by vote, watching each other's mistakes, Republicans sitting next to Democrats, getting along, for the most part, trying to do what's right.

Those who ridicule the process either don't know what they're talking about, or have grown tired of democracy and rule of law.

I admit it can get tedious ... but you know as a certain president once said -- Democracy is hard work.

Take a deep breath, chill out, and Keep Clam. 
Index 

CBS RUMSFELD IRAQ
Moved: 12/20/2004 8:53
CBS-RUMSFELD IRAQ 12/20/2004

What's the anti-war movement to do? This is DR.

The latest tempest in the Iraq file is over Defense Secretary Rumsfeld not personally signing the condolence letters to the families of dead soldiers. Instead his signature was stamped.

Finding himself slammed again for alleged insensitivity, he issued a statement saying he was using the stamped signatures to speed up the process of contacting family member. But now that will change: (QUOTE) "I have directed that in the future I sign each letter."

Now I look at that, and I say, what more can you ask -- the secretary actually ORDERING HIMSELF to sign each letter.

And yet the reporters were AT the President in today's news conference trying to get him to scold Rumsfeld, which of course, he wouldn't do.

And it happens again and again.

Reporters keep trying to get the President to be critical of his own war, and guys, he's not going to do it! Plus, a majority of voters don't want him to! That's what the election was about!

There was a big spread today about the hundreds of kids who have lost a parent in Iraq -- 882 kids, most of them under ten years old. But even THAT story states that most surviving spouses support the war, which they feel is going better than the media would have you believe.

Well, that's it! As long as it's an all-volunteer force, and as long as those who are sacrificing the most support the war, there's really nothing for the anti-war movement to do.

Except cross your fingers that Democracy takes root, and wait for the phone to ring.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS OSAMA
Moved: 12/17/2004 8:35
CBS-OSAMA 12/17/2004
The new Osama tape is pronounced authentic, and may signal a change in tactics. This is DR...
It's never a good day when another message from Osama bin Laden turns up, it usually means something is about to pop, but this latest message contained something a little different.
First of all, the tape concentrates on Saudi Arabia, and overthrowing the Saudi royal family. He doesn't seem as interested in the US, except to encourage the insurgents to take more pot shots at us in Iraq -- like they needed enouragement.
But other than that, we're no longer his main focus.
And then -- there was this HINT of a change in tactics.
The Washington Post was the only paper I could find that highlighted this portion of the tape, but according to the Post, Osama actually endorses NON-VIOLENT resistance in Saudi Arabia. 
He urges Saudis to take action in the manner of "nonviolent revolutions elsewhere." WHat could that mean? Osama -- endorsing protest over pyrotechnics! Could it be he's ... mellowing? It could mean that.
It could also mean that when you lecture for more an an hour without a script your mind is bound to wander. And it's got to be difficult even for Osama to maintain a consistent level of outrage that long. 
But in any case, the statement is there for what it's worth.
Followed immediately by a warning that if non-violence doesn't work, Saudis would have no choice but to rise up and start killing people.
He also says that the price of oil ought to be at least $100 a barrel, and that his followers should do everything they can to prevent US from getting it at any price.

But, you know, mellow is relative.

Now this... 
Index 

CBS INTELLIGENCE
Moved: 12/17/2004 8:35
CBS-INTELLIGENCE 12/17/2004

The President signs intelligence reform into law. This is DR...

The President has signed the Intelligence Reform and Terrorism Prevention act of 2004. 

It combines 15 spy agencies into one, and attempts to simplify the old organization chart -- which looked like a hairball. And it was one of those rare bills with true bi-partisan support -- Democratic Senator Joe Lieberman was right there at the President's elbow during the signing ceremony.

The goal is for intelligence agencies to work together as a single enterprise, and connect the dots the FIRST time.

And so there will now be a clear boss: a Director of National Intelligence. He OR she will set the standards, make sure the information is shared, determine the budget, and answer directly to the President.

It also includes a change that will affect us more directly. The new law orders states to create fraud-proof birth certificates, and fraud-proof drivers licenses with encoded data of some kind stored on them. It's the first time that the federal government has set standards for such documents, and privacy mavens worry this might lead to a national database of some kind. They're a little creeped out by that; but a majority of the voters have made it clear that above all, they want to feel safe. Especially with Osama still knocking out those audio messages.

Oh, there will be questions, like Will a Director of National Intelligence be able to put down the inevitable turf battles? And will creating this new job REALLY make us safer?

Well, no one knows of course. But at least we know this -- if it DOESN'T make us safer, THIS TIME we know who to fire.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MEDAL OF FREEDOM
Moved: 12/15/2004 9:01
CBS-MEDAL OF FREEDOM 12/15/2004
Success is in the air. This is DR...
I begin to sense that victory is at hand. In a New York Times dispatch from Baghdad, it quotes Lt Col Dan Wilson as saying that the number of attacks in Falluja and the surrounding area have dropped off since we emptied the city, and some local residents are now helping American forces to spot roadside bombs before they blow up.
Plus, charges against the man known as Chemical Ali will be brought next week, with a trial scheduled to start right before the national elections.
There was also news from the Iraqi prime minister... who has just announced that he will be running in those elections -- that two aides to terrorist Abu Musab al-Zarqawi have been arrested, and a third is dead.
And finally, to answer any lingering doubts that we did the right thing, and did it well, the President has awarded the Medal of Freedom to former CIA director George Tenet, retired general Tommy Franks, former Iraq Administrator L. Paul Bremer.
He honored Tenet for being "one of the first to recognize" the growing threat to America from "radical terrorist networks." He honored General Franks for getting us to Baghdad in less than a month using a force only half the size of the one that liberated Kuwait. And he honored Bremer for reaching every benchmark in Iraq on time or ahead of schedule.
Naturally, a John Kerry spokesman opined that the President wasn't using the same standard applied to previous honorees.
But I would point out that this year's honorees also include Pope John Paul II, Doris Day, Arnold Palmer, Estee Lauder, and Rita Moreno. And as far as I know, they didn't do squat in Iraq.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS RECOUNT
Moved: 12/14/2004 8:51
CBS-VOTE 12/13/2004

The election that wouldn't end. This is DR...

The Presidential electors cast their votes in the various states today -- but out here in Washington State, where I operate, we are still counting votes. Not in the Presidential election, but in our governor's race -- which ended with Republican Dino Rossi ahead of Democrat Christine Gregoire by exactly 42 votes... out of 2.8 million.

That triggered a hand recount -- AND a lawsuit over rejected ballots.

The rural counties have been turning up more Republican votes, but it's the recount in King County, by far the state's biggest, that will tell the tale.

Which is why it was pretty big news that among the absentee ballots rejected in King County was the ballot of Larry Phillips, who just happens to be Chairman of the King County Council.

He was scanning the turnout list for his district when he found to his horror that on the list of no-shows was the name LARRY PHILLIPS!

Even more astounding was the REASON his ballot was rejected. Apparently, the county elections office didn't have his signature on file! Didn't have the signature of the council chairman!

-- Even though that signature is on his official county website, ALONG with his picture.

Leaving us to wonder: if the process is so tough that the County Council Chair can't get his vote counted, what hope do the rest of us poor schlumps have?

So let me suggest something - no matter WHERE you vote? If you vote absentee: decide on a signature, stick to it, get it on file. And do it NOW! We're less than 11 months from the next election.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PETERSON
Moved: 12/14/2004 8:51
CBS-PETERSON 12/14/2004

News stories don't get any bigger. This is DR...

Scott Peterson has been sentenced to death. Whether he will actually get the death penalty or not, no one knows -- it being California -- but the jury made its sentiments clear.

And judging from the coverage, news stories don't get any bigger.

And I've been trying to figure out WHY. Why were people on pins and needles waiting for the verdict? Why the suspense about the death penalty? I mean, his guilt was so OBVIOUS.

The guy killed his gorgeous wife on Christmas Eve when she was 8 months pregnant, pretended to search for her, had an affair with a blonde, showed no remorse in court -- he even giggled in the courtroom.

Scott Peterson didn't just violate the laws against murder, he was a class-A creep. Every woman in America has a syringe with his name on it. So why is it such a surprise the jury would ice him? He was so slathered in guilt that even the usual anti-death penalty protestors were nowhere to be found. Man, if you can't even get THEM to defend you, you MUST be bad.

Maybe that's it: it's a big deal because his guilt WAS so obvious -- and because a lot of Americans had zero confidence that the jury would SEE that.

The last time we had a high-profile murderer who obviously killed his gorgeous wife in California, and who smirked in court and who showed no remorse -- he walked away a free man. 'Cause the glove didn't fit.

We've been set up to think that our system is so corrupt that obviously guilty people go free. So that when an obviously guilty person is actually convicted and sentenced to death -- it's news! 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS EAVESDROPPING
Moved: 12/10/2004 11:19
CBS-EAVESDROPPING 12/10/2004

Is it legal to eavesdrop on your children's conversations? This is DR...

The case began as a purse snatch in rural Friday Harbor Washington. 

Two young men approached an elderly lady walking down the street; one of them yanked her purse and ran off with it, causing her to fall and break her glasses. The Sheriff suspected one Oliver Christensen, a local 17-year-old. He also knew that the young man's girlfriend was one Lacey Dixon, age 14.

So he asked Lacey's mother to be on the alert.

One day, the phone rang at the Dixon residence. Mrs. Dixon picked it up. It was Oliver Christensen, asking for Lacey -- who promptly took the cordless phone upstairs to her bedroom and closed the door. At which point Mrs. Dixon pressed the speakerphone switch on the base station, and started taking notes.

Oliver Christensen was later convicted.

But this week, the state supreme court threw out the conviction on the grounds that in Washington, you may not eavesdrop on a conversation without the consent of ALL parties.

EVEN if one of them is your own daughter.

The ruling dumbfounded Mrs. Dixon, who said her daughter was out of control at the time and needed the surveillance.

However, I would just note that nowhere in the decision does the court scold Mrs. Dixon for what she did. It simply says her evidence could not be admitted.

And in the meantime, Lacey is now 18 and has her act together, training to be a massage therapist; and as for the young man, he served his time, left town, and is now a crab fisherman way up in Alaska.

Nice job, Mom.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS RUMSFELD2
Moved: 12/10/2004 11:19
CBS-RUMSFELD2 12/10/2004
Uh oh -- the soldier who asked the question -- had help. This is DR...
Critics of the war in Iraq undoubtedly were hoping that Specialist Thomas Wilson's pointed question to the defense secretary about armor:
[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>specialist wilson
Time: 2s
Title: specialist wilson
Out-cue: ]
...Signalled some sort of mutiny. But the conservative web sites were quickly abuzz with the news that it was all a set-up. An embedded reporter from the Chattanooga Times Free Press admitted he and Wilson worked on the question together. The reporter even schmoozed the guy with the microphone before the Q&A so he'd pick Wilson.
Why such an elaborate plan? The reporter, Edward Lee Pitts, said he'd written about the lousy armor before, but felt the brass wasn't paying attention.
Well, the reaction was swift. "Sneaky, slimy, and he should be fired for it" said Brent Bozell of the Media Research Center. "Unconscionable" said Brigadeer General Drew Davis. And on conservatrive webs sites, there were words like "Scum" "Amoral Opportunist" and ... "Liberal"!
[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>z-HORROR 2
Time: 6s
Title: HORROR 2
Out-cue: ]
Well, they may all be right. I would just point out one thing.
Whoever wrote the question, here's what it sounded like in that hangar when the troops heard it:
[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>soldiers clap
Time: 7s
Title: soldiers clap
Out-cue: ]
The reporter probably should have revealed his role a little sooner, but he does tell all in today's edition of the paper.
And with all due respect to the reporter-bashers, I think it's clear who's more in touch with the troops on this one.
[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>soldiers clap
Time: 7s
Title: soldiers clap
Out-cue: ]
Now this. 
Index 

CBS RUMSFELD
Moved: 12/9/2004 8:50
CBS-RUMSFELD 12/09/2004

The question heard 'round the world. This is DR...

Standing up to the defense secretary may not be a career-booster, but it sure can make you famous in a hurry!

There he is on the front page -- Specialist Thomas Wilson of the Tennessee National Guard, asking Donald Rumsfeld why the troops have to go through landfills to find armor for their vehicles.

Rumsfeld's answer:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>rumsfeld short
Time: 2s
Title: rumsfeld short
Out-cue: ][You go to war with the army you have]

But then why do we have the army we have? American soldiers having to scrounge for parts in landfills -- it just doesn't sound like what you expect from a superpower. 

If soldiers are out there hauling rusty parts out of landfills in Kuwait, what are we paying for? The Pentagon budget is $416 billion dollars!

Well, the answer may be a little something we call -- PORK.

You see -- defense bills attract pork like insects to a porch light. And this last bill had 8.9 billion dollar pet projects for home districts. And guess where the money came from...

According to the Center for Defense Information, the Armed Services Committee cut 1.5 billion from a fund that pays for things like helicopter rotor blades, tank tracks, and spare parts. Plus it cut the pay for civilian repair technicians, and on and on.

So keep firing those questions soldiers. You're the only ones who can ask them without sounding unpatriotic. And you might not get your armor... but Congress might at least buy you a few metal detectors to help you find it faster. If they're made in the right district, anyway.

Now this.

http://www.cdi.org/friendlyversion/printversion.cfm?documentID=2394 
Index 

CBS SOLDIERS
Moved: 12/8/2004 10:49
CBS-SOLDIERS 12/08/2004

Soldiers speaking out. This is DR...

Defense Secretary Rumsfeld was in Kuwait for a pep talk to soldiers heading to Iraq. He was there to tell them not to believe the doubters back home who say the insurgents can't be defeated.

But Army Spc. Thomas Wilson, of the 278th Regimental Combat Team, of the Tennessee National Guard, stood up and asked his question anyway.

"Why do we soldiers have to dig through local landfills for pieces of scrap metal and compromised ballistic glass to up-armor our vehicles?” he asked.

Yikes. And instead of stunned silence from the 2,300 soldiers who had assembled to hear Rumsfeld, there was a cheer.

At which point Secretary Rumsfeld asked Specialist Wilson to repeat his question.

So he did... “We do not have proper armored vehicles” he said. I knew America's soldiers were brave, but today we found out just HOW brave.

There were other pointed questions too -- about whether the active-duty army is getting first pick of the best equipment over the National Guard, and about how long the stop-loss orders will be in effect.

For a military that has been largely silent about what it REALLY thinks, it was an interesting moment.

But an important one. Because with the election decided, stories about the war are dropping deeper and deeper into the newspaper. And the anti-war movement -- well, it's dead. Michael Moore has shaved his beard and wears a suit now.

So if the troops are looking for someone to plead their case -- it's gonna take people like Specialist Wilson.

And hey -- what's Rumsfeld going to do to him? Send him to Iraq?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS AFGHANISTAN
Moved: 12/7/2004 8:40
CBS-AFGHANISTAN 12/07/04

No need to leak anymore cables, we get it. This is DR...

Here it is, another report that things in Iraq aren't going well -- this time in the form of a classified cable from the CIA Station Chief in Baghdad. Not sure why it was leaked to the New York Times -- probably the only way to get the folks in DC to read cables from Baghdad anymore is for the paperboy to fling it at the front door.

'Cause let's face it -- how many downer cables from Iraq can a body read?

But there was some GOOD new on the Democracy front today.

Hamid Karzai has been sworn in as the first popularly elected president of Afghanistan.

The inauguration ceremony -- peaceful. If the Taliban or Al Qaeda were going to make a move, they either didn't or COULDN'T.

Karzai swore an oath "to obey and safeguard the provisions of the sacred religion of Islam" -- which shows other Islamic countries that the war in Afghanistan wasn't a war against religion. His two deputies are members of the country's two largest ethnic minorities -- which shows that that it wasn't a war to suppress ethnic groups.
Security was tight, with NATO troops on patrol -- but note well, those were NATO troops. You saw German uniforms, even French uniforms.
And so the War in Afghanistan, which began on October 7th, 2001, has achieved a democratic victory after 3 years and two months. Foreign terrorists ejected, democracy planted, security guaranteed by countries besides us.

Three years and two months for Iraq would take us to about May 20th... 2006.

We'll just have to wait and see what the CIA cables are saying then.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS INTEL REFORM
Moved: 12/6/2004 10:20
CBS-DUNCAN HUNTER 12/06/2004

Building better spies. This is DR...

The 9/11 Commission said if you want to prevent another attack on this country, fix the intelligence system. Put it under one roof. The President endorsed the idea, and with a decisive election victory under his belt, started pushing for the reform bill.

But he still can't get a vote on it in the House -- mostly because of one man, Rep Duncan Hunter, whose son is serving in Iraq, and who believes the proposed reforms would actually make it TOUGHER for to the troops in the field to get the intelligence they need. 

Whether that's true or not, I don't know, but what's amazing is that Rep. Hunter is apparently considered SO credible on this issue, the Republican leadership has actually decided to believe him over the President.

What a difference a month makes! A man elected by a clear majority to make the nation safer, sees the centerpiece of his policy blocked by his own party!

How fleeting power can be.

Although, you know, maybe Congress is getting national security fatigue. It was fine to talk about it during the campaign, but now people have moved on. Last night on the news, I happened see Senator McCain predicting that Congress would have no trouble dealing with that OTHER pressing national security issue:

[Cart No: <8 Raw Carts>mccain 120504 STEROID LEGISLATION
Time: 11s
Out-cue: ]

See -- THAT they could pass. Because if the world can't believe our home run statistics... it might hurt our credibility.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DRAFT
Moved: 12/3/2004 8:52
CBS-DRAFT 12/03/2004

Here's a way to end draft fears once and for all. This is DR...

The announcement that more American troops are headed to Iraq, and the failure of other nations to send more of THEIR troops to help us out, has some people worried again -- worried that despite the denials, a draft is inevitable.

The personnel situation is looking strained. Deployments are being extended, National Guard recruitment has been suffering, and you have people like Senator John McCain saying even MORE troops are needed:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>mccain 112104 INCREASE TROOPS
Time: 12s
Title: mccain 112104 INCREASE TROOPS
Out-cue: ]

Plus you have Iran, a member of the axis of evil, playing coy with its nuclear program.

All of it adds up to this fear among some people -- a few of whom have e-mailed me -- saying Dave, the draft is coming back.

I point out that a bill to do just that was voted down handily before the election, I reassure them that the administration has said many times we have no plans for a long occupation, that we'll be bringing the troops home.

But STILL the fears of a draft persist.

And all I can think is that it's because we still make boys register for this non-existent draft when they turn 18. -- We make boys register, and we've been maintaining the selective service system.

So there's your answer. THERE's the way to end the fear once and for all. STOP registering 18 year olds. Just STOP draft registration. Simple. AND it saves money. You might suggest it to a congressman near you.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS STEROIDS
Moved: 12/3/2004 8:52
CBS-STEROIDS 12/03/2004

The steroid scandal breaks wide open. This is DR...

Baseball's steroid scandal has finally gone so far that it may actually get fixed. We now know that Yankee first baseman Jason Giambi admitted to steroid use before a grand jury last year... and the San Francisco Chronicle reports that prosecutors confronted Barry Bonds with similar allegations. Although Bonds insists all he got from his trainer was a nutritional supplement, and a pain cream.

In any case, let's hope baseball takes action, because sports heroes should set an example for our kids.

Heck. SOMEONE has to!

Have you seen the latest government survey of prescription drug use?

More than 40% of Americans take at least one prescription drug.

A lot of it does boring stuff like lower your cholesterol, but look at this: the report also found a sharp increase in the prescription of stimulants for children ages 5 to 17. Anti-depressants for children -- ALSO up sharply.

And face it -- we have a legal pill or a patch for everything! Improve your mood, pick up your energy, suppress your appetite, stay awake, go to sleep, restore your sex drive... look at the TV ads! Half the time you have no idea what they're selling, except that after you take it, you start smiling and moving in slow motion.

And this doesn't even count the stuff we buy WITHOUT a prescription.

Athletes on steroids! Next thing you'll tell me actors wear makeup!

But -- of course we all hope baseball gets its act together.

And, yeah, I know -- the games might get boring without juiced-up athletes.... but hey, there's always something you can take to stay awake.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS READING BILLS
Moved: 11/29/2004 10:03
CBS-READING BILLS 11/29/2004

Read bills BEFORE passing them? This is DR...

Last week, the House of Representatives approved that last-minute spending bill -- $388 billion dollars so that the government could keep operating.

It should have been passed months ago, but there were many more important things -- like NOT keeping the government operating, I guess.

So, a crucial bill running 3,646 pages arrived on the members desks hours before the vote.

And most of them never saw a strange little clause allowing congressional officials to examine individual citizens' tax returns. Happily, the Senate DID discover it, and it will be changed, but the incident outraged one House member enough that he decided to DO something.

Representative Brian Baird of Vancouver, Washington has proposed actually ENFORCING the House rule which says members must get THREE DAYS to read bills before voting on them.

See, right now that rule can be easily suspended by majority vote. Rep. Baird wants to require a two-thirds vote. Which would be more difficult.

Can you imagine the possibilities if members actually read bills? They might see what's in them!

They might discover drug discount bills that don't discount drugs! Weapons systems that don't make the country any safer!

They might have less time to debate things abortion, gay rights, Superbowl half-time shows!

Which is why Rep. Baird's rule change is given little chance of passage. Not just because it's way too radical -- but it's way too short! And because of that you see, the members had plenty of time... to read it.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DAN RATHER
Moved: 11/26/2004 8:52
CBS-DAN RATHER 11/24/2004

Web sites bursting with joy! This is DR...

With Dan Rather's announcement that he's leaving the CBS Evening News next year -- conservative web sites are bursting with joy! They're posting poems to his vanity, ridiculing his ego, even calling for his indictment.

To them he will always be the man who tried to tip the election by airing forged documents about George W. Bush's national guard service.

To them, he will always be the quirky anchor with the liberal agenda who once signed off with the word "Courage."

The thing about the critics is this: most of them sit at a desk pounding out their blogs, and the closest they ever get to an actual news story is when they pass a traffic accident.

They're critics of the media, but they're also creatures of it. Everything they know they know second hand. They learn it from people who actually go out and get stories. People like... well, Dan Rather.

He earned the nickname Gunga Dan for disguising himself as a mujahedeen and sneaking into Afghanistan during that nasty war against the Soviet Union. And he kept it up -- in the past year traveling to Baghdad, embedding himself with the troops at age 73. Yeah, signing off with "Courage" was a little hokey. But at least he knew what the word meant.

Times change, however. Now the internet blogocracy is on the rise. In place of the hated mainstream media and egotistical anchors who actually cover news, they offer us... The Web! Which never met a rumor it didn't like. And in place of Dan Rather's supposed agenda -- as many agendas as keyboards. 

To which I can only say... Courage. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS THANKSGIVING
Moved: 11/26/2004 8:52
CBS-THANKSGIVING 11/24/2004

Assume the position. This is DR...

This is the busy travel season, and to help you get through the airport, the government is offering these travel tips.

Guns and ammunition cannot be carried into an airplane cabin.
Don't make any jokes suggesting a threat to security. Remind older children especially not to say things like, "Do you think I have a bomb in my coat?" 

Do not wrap presents, because if they set off an alarm they'll have to be unwrapped anyway. 

And finally passengers have a right to be screened a second time in a private location. 

That last one is a little vague. You actually don't get a choice about the second screening, just the option of having it done in private.

But notice here -- it's one of the ironies of modern life that once you step into an airport, all the rules change.

The First Amendment -- doesn't apply. You can NOT say whatever you want, and you must keep your older children from saying whatever THEY want.

The Second Amendment -- doesn't apply. You have no right to bear arms, and the NRA is powerless do a thing about it.

The Fourth Amendment -- doesn't apply. Because not only can your luggage be searched, but YOU can be PATTED DOWN. 

And all that stuff about not letting a stranger touch your private parts? Doesn't apply at the airport. You -- and your children -- must submit to the kind of touching that if it were done OUTSIDE the airport, would be on the front page of the local paper.

You know -- someone doesn't want us to fly.

I think maybe this is all God's way of telling us we've moved too far away from our relatives.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS OBESITY
Moved: 11/26/2004 8:52
CBS-OBESITY 11/25/04 4:08 PM-DLR 1:30

National Acid Reflux Week. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Yes, I call this National Acid Reflux Week, the week when everyone resolves never ever to eat that much again.

400 years ago, people had holiday feasts because the rest of the year, they were starving on nuts and berries. Today we have no business holding feasts. A modern feast should be where you assemble a bounteous meal, give thanks for it, and then, wrap it in doggy bags and freeze it for next week.

That'll never happen, of course, which is why I'm happy to report, FINALLY, some good news on the obesity front, and that is that America's obesity emergency may in fact be a statistical error.

Back on March 10th, the Centers for Disease Control published a paper claiming 400,000 deaths a year due to obesity, and predicting that by 2005, obesity would pass smoking as the leading cause of preventable death in America.

But now, the CDC is admitting that it got the death rate wrong. It was 20% too high. The CDC regrets the error, and will investigate.

Yeah well you know what? Give it up. I've never understood the reason for publishing statistics on "death due to bad habits." First, it implies that living a vice-free life will stave off death, and second, it implies that people will change their bad habits based on medical studies.

The fact is that most people who HAVE bad habits KNOW it already, and plan to keep on pursuing those bad habits whether it kills them or not. Look: we're fat, we intend to stay fat, and it's time we had fewer statistics and wider seats.

Now this.

~C:\works\files\OBESITY2.CBS 
Index 

CBS SHOPPING
Moved: 11/26/2004 8:52
CBS-SHOPPING 11/26/2004

Bring 'em on. This is DR

The statistics are truly stunning. More people will shop today than voted November 2nd.

People were lining up outside stores as early as 4:30. Average spending on Christmas gifts this year -- $702.03.

Pundits have tried to argue that America is all about morality -- but if that was true, the malls would close once in a while. And they don't!

Politicians debate endlessly about which of our founding principles are most important. Some say it's Life. Some say it's Liberty.

But the will of the People is clear: It's Pursuit of Happiness ... hands down. With pursuit of free parking a close second.

Pick up a newspaper! America is not about morality, it's about BARGAINS!

It's about widescreen HDTVs for 799! 799! The three megapixel snapshot camera for $47.

I found a DVD player for 14.99! That's cheaper than the DVDs it plays!

A cordless phone WITH digital answering machine -- $9.99! That's what it'll sell for in the thrift store three years from now!

And here you have a 600-watt Microwave selling for $20; comes with a coupon for a $20 rebate; net price -- ZERO! All you pay is sales tax!

It's out of control! I love it!

You see, we had all this hand-wringing, worrying whether we'd ever find what unites us instead of what divides us.

We found it! Look around you! Today there are no blue states; today there are no red states.

Because today we are one nation, indivisible, unified in our determination to chase away the blues... by going into the red.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TRIANGLE OF DEATH
Moved: 11/23/2004 9:04
CBS-TRIANGLE OF DEATH 11/23/2004

The triangle of death. This is DR...

In Iraq, the fight for Falluja is over. A key city in the Sunni triangle has been pacified. Or mostly pacified.

And then you wake up this morning to hear that the Marines are on another mission, this time to pacify the Triangle of Death.

And I'm a little worried someone's moving the triangles around.

Now, we've been told again and again, Democracy is hard work. And part of that hard work is to pacify the country in time for elections, which is why the Marines are now being sent into the Triangle of Death. Success in Iraq always seems to be just over the horizon, which would be fine except the horizon keeps moving.

In the beginning we were told, just change the regime, the people will love us.

OK, we tried that, so then it was, disband the Baath party, people will love us. 

That didn't work, so then it was, when we actually CATCH Saddam, the resistance will give up. We CAUGHT Saddam, we STILL have Saddam, but soon there was ANOTHER even MORE important man to catch -- Muqtada al-Sadr. 

Then HE finally gave up, but no one noticed because by then it was Abu Musab al-Zarqawi who was causing all the trouble. We chased him out of the Sunni Triangle, only to discover the Triangle of Death.

Well, let's hope this is it. That the Triangle of Death will be pacified, Iraqis will hold free elections, the results will stick, work will begin on a permanent constitution. Let's try to visualize the day when instead of all these triangles of death, Iraq becomes one big ... Pentagon of Peace.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NFL
Moved: 11/22/2004 8:57
CBS-NFL 11/18/2004
Keeping young boys pure. This is DR...
ABC is the latest network to get in trouble for mixing football with, of all things, sex. FCC commissioner Michael Powell has expressed disappointment with the locker room skit where Nicollete Sheridan of Desperate Housewives, leaps naked into the arms of Terrell Owens in the Eagles locker room.
Thereby raising unrealistic expectations among young athletes -- even in the Red States.
Some people also thought it was racist, while others thought it was sexist, as in, "why couldn't you have a naked man jumping into Annika Sorenstam's arms while she's putting her clubs away." But overall I'd have to say that it worked pretty well for ABC.
Frankly, until this broke, I'd forgotten that Monday Night Football was still on the air.
But OK, let's grapple with the moral aspect of this.
Look, we're in a battle here, people! For example, in the small town of SPURGER, Texas -- the school district just cancelled a Homecoming event called "dress-like-the-opposite-sex day," after a parent pointed out that the event had homosexual overtones.
Boys and girls dressed in each others' clothes. Girls were allowed to invite boys on dates, even open doors for the boys, and pay for their soda pop. 
My friends, the FCC may be upset, but that little locker room skit probably spread more heterosexuality in 30 seconds than all the textbooks in Texas.
By the way, to replace "cross-dressing day," the Spurger School District has organized a "Camo Day" -- where both boys AND girls ... will dress in military camouflage. Which is way healthier. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TAX REFORM
Moved: 11/22/2004 8:57
CBS-TAX REFORM 11/19/2004

A simpler tax system. This is DR....

After the election, the president said he wanted to simplify a complicated and outdated tax code. And my first reaction anytime I hear "simplify" and "tax code" in the same sentence is "HALLELUJAH! Another refund!"

Some of the President's supporters were even talking about scrapping the income tax entirely.

HALLELUJAH TIMES TWO!

So imagine the joy when I saw the story in yesterday's Washington Post headlined, "Bush Plans Tax Code Overhaul" -- proving he intended to follow through.

The story says he plans to simplify my taxes ... by taking OUT the line ... that lets me deduct state and local taxes on my federal tax return!

Yes! So now, we will no longer face the annoyance of deducting local property taxes and state income taxes! What no one apparently noticed was that if we can't deduct local property taxes and state income taxes, it means our federal tax goes UP!

I don't mean to get upset, but I had this idea that if they made my taxes simpler, the payments would go DOWN.

Oh well, not to worry, because they plan to compensate by cutting taxes on interest, dividends, and capital gains.

Of course, to take advantage of that, you have to HAVE significant INCOME from interest, capital gains, and stock dividends.

Oh -- and there's another simplification which cuts the line where your company deducts the cost of your employee health benefits.

Which I'm guessing would cause some companies to simply up your premiums. But you could make that up by simply writing a larger check, using money you'd simply take from your simplified tax-free stock dividends.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PAY YOUR MORTGAGE
Moved: 11/22/2004 8:56
CBS-PAY YOUR MORTGAGE 11/19/2004

What you can do about the public debt. This is DR...

Congress this week did what it had to do. Voting along party lines, it raised the limit on the national debt to 8.184 trillion.

Without the increase, Social Security checks would have bounced.

Speaking of Social Security, the push to let employees put at least part of their social security payroll tax into private accounts is full speed ahead. That was a presidential campaign promise after all, and a lot of young people like the idea, but that will mean still LESS revenue going into the Treasury, and more debt.

As for the cost of the war, the assault on Fallujah was a big success, but there are more cities to go, the car bombs continue, and the billion dollar week Iraq war will continue as far as the eye can see. Plus I have yet to hear of any plans by Europe to jump in with a pile of money.

And even though there's talk of tax simplification, there's no talk of a tax increase, so all the revenue to pay for these things will come from borrowing.

That's left the dollar pretty weak overseas, which means stuff that used to be cheap will be getting more expensive, and you'll probably be spending your European vacation in Mexico.

So can you DO anything about all this debt?

Yes you can. What typically happens when a government starts spending a lot of money it doesn't have is that prices go up, and interest rates go up.

So here's what you do: if you have an adjustable rate mortgage, you pay it off now. And if you think you might have to buy anything in the next few years, you buy it soon.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BRAWL
Moved: 11/22/2004 8:56
CBS-BRAWL 11/22/2004

A lesson they'll never forget. This is DR...

By now you've seen Friday's NBA brawl many times, and I think we can all agree that something had to be done.

But what message does it really send?

Commissioner David Stern suspended NINE PLAYERS, basically cutting the NBA payroll by 12.5 million dollars.

The biggest name suspended -- Pacer forward Ron Artest, suspended for the rest of the season for storming the stands after a fan splashed him with a beverage. That "wildly exceeded" the kind of self control that the NBA expects. He gives up 5.4 million dollars in salary, and of course the player's union will appeal because -- well, 5.4 million represents a lot of dues.

But aren't you a little surprised the NBA went that far? Because as wacky as Artest is, he was sending a clear message. That being, "you dis me, I punch you. These colors don't run, baby!"

Whereas the message the NBA is sending is -- hey, someone tosses a beer in your face, you stand there and take it. You turn the other cheek. 

What are we now, peaceniks? The NBA appears to be the one institution in America that actually cares what the French think.

Well, the NBA can do what it wants; maybe they have a point, but I have to tell you -- that fight put our enemies on notice: take a good look world -- we're America, and we're right on the edge here! You mess with us, you get a folding chair in the face.

And by the way -- let me point out, lest you think this display was somehow unsuitable for repeated broadcast: nowhere during the extensive live coverage were any private parts exposed inappropriately.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS COLIN POWELL
Moved: 11/15/2004 8:43
CBS-COLIN POWELL 11/15/2004

The resignations fly. This is DR.

Wait a second! I thought the American people voted to stay the course! I thought we wanted to keep the nation secure in time of war. Instead there's a rush for the exits! 

The Attorney General announced his resignation last week, and then just today, you have the Energy secretary, the Education secretary, and the secretary of Agriculture!

Will security moms ever trust the produce section again?

But of course the big resignation is Secretary of State Colin Powell.

He's been depicted as the lone voice of caution in the Administration; largely ignored by the President. A lot of people thought he should have resigned when the weapons of mass destruction that he described in such detail didn't turn up.

But he himself never complained, never criticized, never broke ranks.

It had to be tough, though. And not just because of friction with the White House, but because -- well, because there just doesn't seem to be much productive work for diplomats to do lately.

Diplomats are there to negotiate peace between nations. But the enemy now isn't a nation, it's terrorism, and you don't negotiate with terrorists.

And more and more, we're finding out that terrorists don't want to negotiate with us either.

No talking, no truce, they just drop off the latest grisly video at Al Jazeera.

They figure it's only a matter of time before we grow tired and go home, so why talk? You win by NOT talking.

If that's the kind of world we're headed for, there wouldn't be much for a diplomat like Colin Powell to do anyway.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ARAFAT
Moved: 11/12/2004 8:37
CBS-ARAFAT 11/11/2004

Regime change. This is DR...

Palestinians consider Yasser Arafat their George Washington. He put 'em on the map.

The problem was HOW he did it. 

Now of course, George Washington didn't win independence by issuing press releases. He organized an army to ambush and kill British occupiers.

But he also set a democratic standard. He was ruled by a Congress, and he kept his word. Arafat was a dictator, ruled by his emotions.

Plus -- he lost every battle he ever fought. His genius was marketing his losses as victories.

But when victory depends on losing, you have only one choice: celebrate death. And so Arafat taught martyrdom to young Palestinians. Posters, graffiti, even school books -- made heroes out of young people who blew themselves up for the express purpose of killing bystanders.

I remember well talking to a young Palestinian Christian named Peter in Bethlehem. His own mother was killed by a suicide bomber... she'd just taken the wrong bus one day. But Peter -- smart, educated -- accepted her death as collateral damage. Part of the struggle for statehood.

But you can't have a state unless you can control your armed forces. And Arafat created an armed force he either couldn't or wouldn't control.

Plus -- he couldn't manage a budget. In the end, the place he hoped to turn into a state couldn't even build a hospital capable of caring for him.

Which is why it was so ironic to see a squabble break out over where to bury him.

Palestinians should have only one question about burying Arafat. "How deep?"

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ARAFAT GUNS
Moved: 11/12/2004 8:37
CBS-ARAFAT GUNS 11/12/2004

Could peace be at hand? This is DR...

President Bush says that with the death of Yasir Arafat, Palestinians now have the chance to pursue peace with Israel.

And he speaks for a lot of us who hope that this is a watershed moment.

But from what I have heard today, initial indications aren't good.

For example -- the al Aqsa Martyr's brigades, which Yasir Arafat set up to compete with the other martyrdom groups, HAS decided to change its name ... to the "Martyr Yasir Arafat Brigades."

See, I was hoping that maybe they would take out the word "Martyr." Perhaps replace it with "Political Action Committee."

But no -- apparently the martyrdom demographic is still highly coveted.

And then, there was the burial itself. Graveside ceremonies are typically somber affairs. Let's listen in:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>ARAFAT-FUNERAL (SHORT)
Time: 12s
Title: ARAFAT-FUNERAL
In-cue: Cathy McCormick
Out-cue: be buried]

That's Cammy McCormick in Ramallah -- and notice something else about Cammy's report -- she isn't even fazed. I'd be there saying -- "Pipe down! I'm trying to do a report here!" But no... 

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>ARAFAT REALLY SHORT
Time: 4s
Title: ARAFAT REALLY SHORT
Out-cue: ]

(It's just another day at work...) just another outbreak of recreational automatic weapons fire on the West Bank. 

So... like the President, I hope things change -- but I dunno. I think we're gonna need a few more Palestinian security moms first. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS EVOLUTION
Moved: 11/12/2004 8:37
CBS-EVOLUTION 11/12/2004

The evolution debate keeps evolving. This is DR...

The latest outbreak of the evolution debate is in Georgia -- where school officials in Cobb county decided to take emergency action.

They placed stickers in the school biology textbooks warning students that the theory of evolution is a "theory, not a fact" and should be "critically considered."

The sticker is only the latest incident -- earlier the schools superintendent proposed deleting the word evolution completely in favor of the phrase "changes over time."

Marjorie Rogers, the parent who made the initial complaint about the book, considers the theory of evolution atheistic, and "an insult to the kids' intelligence."

But other Georgians are worried that this just undermines the modern image that the state is trying to cultivate.

Well, I would just ask:

If this is really about God, shouldn't we consider what God wants us to believe?

I mean, the Bible is clear -- God created the earth in six days, and evolution just flat out didn't happen.

But if God created the earth, he created ALL of it, which means He created it with all those fossils already buried there.

And he created human beings with curious minds, knowing full well we'd find those fossils, and examine them.

And he created the physics of radioactive dating so that humans would at least think those fossils were millions of years old.

So the point is, that, even IF evolution didn't happen, it's very clear that Whoever created the earth -- and I believe that would be God -- went to a lot of trouble to make us BELIEVE it did.

All I'm saying is, I'd think long and hard before calling His bluff. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ASHCROFT
Moved: 11/10/2004 8:36
CBS-ASHCROFT 11/10/2004

I am going to miss him. This is DR...

Attorney General John Ashcroft has announced his resignation, and I'll miss him.

Because he was a kick-butt attorney general. He started off a little wishy-washy; he told his confirmation hearing he'd actually keep the assault weapons ban, he did quaint things like buy drapes to cover the exposed aluminum breast of the ten foot statue of Justice in the Justice Department's Great Hall.

But after 9/11, he was transformed. 

He pushed the TIPS program, to give truckers, train conductors, ship captains, even your cable installer "a formal way to report suspicious terrorist activity." 

He became the symbol of the Patriot Act, which put e-mail and library records in play. And he made it clear to his critics that anyone who spoke out against these measures was only helping the terrorists.

And I know it sounds out of character for someone like me to evoke even a dollop of nostalgia for such a man, but dammit, he brought us together, don't you see?

Because for the first time, even average non-terrorist Americans got the feeling that they were being watched BY THEIR OWN GOVERNMENT. Suddenly we no longer took civil liberties for granted. And he reached across the aisle.

He was the one Bush Administration official who didn't just scare the LEFT, he also terrified the RIGHT. 

Liberal Lawyers from the ACLU were suddenly joining hands with Conservative Clinton impeachers like BOB BARR who saw him as a symbol of Orwellian big government!

Those were tender moments. And I will miss them.

Now this. 
Index 

KIRO SOCIAL SECURITY
Moved: 11/9/2004 8:40
KIRO-SOCIAL SECURITY 11/05/2004

The President may have unseated a tyrant in Iraq, he may have brought free elections to Afghanistan, and he may have won a bitter election here at home.

But now he's chosen a real fight. Reforming Social Security.

Most politicians don't want to touch it because it affects the one demographic that you can depend on to vote in droves: the AARP mailing list.

But the Republicans are ready to take it on because they're going after tomorrow's mailing list. They're going after the 30 and 40-somethings. The 30 and 40-somethings have two big problems with Social Security -- number one, all money coming off their paychecks; and number two, a funny feeling THAT money is never coming back to them.

And literally, they're right, because the money goes right out to the current recipients. All that's REALLY there is a promise.

And they don't trust it. So they want their own private accounts.

But if they put it into their own accounts, it can't go to the seniors who've been expecting it since THEY were 30-something.

And since there's no chance the President will raise taxes, you have a gap of at least a trillion bucks to fill, which could create inflation, cause a big fight in Congress... all very ugly.

So I'm hoping that before it comes to that, we just TRY something on our own. The government doesn't even have to get involved. Young people who want to start a private Social Security account... go to your mom and dad, and just ask for their social security check.

Just ask. Point out to them what I've just said, that they could head off a bitter political fight, and remind them of how well-behaved you were as a child. Maybe they've forgotten. 

This is Dave Ross... 
Index 

CBS GLOBAL WARMING
Moved: 11/9/2004 8:39
CBS-GLOBAL WARMING 11/9/2004

It's another report on Global Warming, and you'll never guess what it says! This is DR... 

Actually, you WILL guess what it says. Because all reports on Global warming say pretty much the same thing. That it's real, that it's here, and that America's causing it. And that unless we do something about it, many, many innocent creatures will... get warm.

Which is bad, because THEIR outwear has no zipper.

But I shouldn't joke, because look at what scientists are observing:

Widespread melting of glaciers, thinning sea ice, and rising permafrost temperatures.

The Arctic icecap has actually lost an area larger than Texas and Arizona combined, completely undermining the icecap's political clout.

There are reports of rising sea water, buildings shifting as the permafrost melts, and indigenous Arctic hunters falling through the ice. Which, by the way, they really hate.

And finally, the temperature shift could wreak havoc on migratory birds, seals, and reindeer herds -- and has already caused the Red Fox to migrate northward in search of food.

Climate scientists say it's time that America did something.

Yeah, well -- you climate scientists are forgetting one thing. We just had an election, and you... didn't win. If you think the permafrost is melting, wait 'til you see what happens to your federal grants if you keep coming out with reports like this.

And as for the Red Fox -- you bet they'll have to migrate northward. It's called ADAPTING. And they'd better hurry. Because a lot of Democrats seem to have the same idea.

Now this. 
Index 

KIRO HANGOVER
Moved: 11/5/2004 6:28
KIRO-HANGOVER 11/04/2004

They call it the post-election hangover... and I can tell you it's real. You feel like the quarterback who stands there as time runs out looking up at the scoreboard and wishing it would change.

You lose in front of a whole lot of people, and your greatest fear is that you let your team down.

The difference is, in sports, you usually get a rematch, and in politics, you usually don't.

But you move on, and that's what I believe in doing -- that's why I'm here today.

It doesn't matter how big or how public your failure was, life always goes on, and there's no sense in brooding on what could have been different.

You're always getting better whether you know it at the time or not.

You learn new skills.

In my case, I learned how to stick to a stump speech. What it takes to raise 1.5 million dollars. (9.5 thousand phone calls) How to sit up straight on TV. How to take naps in a car on the way to Auburn. How to sneak some food into your pocket while talking to donors at a buffet. 

And the good thing about losing is... I don't have to keep giving the same stump speech. I don't have to raise 1.5 million dollars. I can take a nap in my own bed, and I can eat when I want.

And I come away with an even greater respect for what politicians have to do to succeed. For critics who say it's a dirty business... that's like blaming the media for immorality. As long as our system is about getting your vote, there will be organizations designed to do whatever will get you to cast it their way.

So I have no regrets. Plus, I have one advantage that most former politicians don't have. I get to keep my platform.

Before I ran a listener sent me a note which read -- Dave don't do it. Politics destroys good people.

No.

It's the failure to participate in politics that destroys good countries.

I took a risk, I did it in front of everybody. I did my best, I lost, and I'm moving on.

That's life. And it's a hell of a ride. 
Index 

CBS 911 REPORT
Moved: 7/23/2004 7:52
CBS-911 REPORT 7/22/04

Plenty of blame for everybody. This is DR...

We've been seeing video today showing four of the five hijackers triggering metal detectors at Dulles International Airport on the morning of 9/11.

All five were pulled aside; one got a baggage search, another was wanded, but in the end, they were all allowed to board Flight 77.

That's exactly what the 9/11 report released today is designed to stop.

The report says Presidents Clinton and Bush BOTH missed opportunities to get Al Qaeda earlier, and blames turf wars in Congress and the intelligence bureaucracy for keeping the pieces of the puzzle in separate boxes.

But the report's ultimate purpose is to make sure that the next time a hijacker tries to get on an airplane, he doesn't. This is one of those times when success is measured NOT by what DOES happen... but by what does NOT happen.

The commissioners want a National Counterterrorism Center, and a national intelligence director, and they'll take the report on the road to keep the pressure on Congress to do it. But congressional leaders are already playing down the prospects for quick legislation, pointing out that the report is two months late, and Congress is about to go into recess. Of course the REASON the report is two months late is that the commission found itself caught in the very bureaucratic battles it condemns. Some of the documents it wanted were slow in coming.

But the documents are there now -- some two million pages of them -- and their message is clear:

There were too many excuses the first time.

There will be no excuses the next time.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS POLITICAL MATCH
Moved: 7/23/2004 7:52
CBS-POLITICAL MATCH 7/23/2004

Dating your own kind. This is DR...

Finding a soul mate has never been easy -- especially a political soul mate. Because you can't usually tell by apperarances, or by idle conversation.

If you're not careful, there's the danger you'll fall in love with a perfectly wonderful, generous, trusting person who you then come to find out votes differently from you.

Yikes!

And so the New York Times reports there are now a number of on-line dating services that specialize in political matches -- so that Red America doesn't, God forbid, share a drink with Blue America.

Looking at the cover pictures of these sites, everyone looks young, educated and happy. But that's where the similarity ends.

Among the Red sites -- conservativematch.com, where you can buy matching RIght Wing Conspiracy T-shirts.

There's also singlerepublican.com, which features photos of men and women embracing, superimposed over an American flag.

Among the Blue sites, "democratic singles.net" which also welcomes, Independents, and Greens, and features a couple embracing in from of a bar; and Love In War.com, which takes a little different approach -- "Dating for the agitated" is the motto, and it includes a personal political profile meter that rates your potential date on a scale from Clinton Mellow to Dean Angry.

Because as a 21 year old female from Rochester named "Bookbat" put it -- politics IS a contact sport.

So there it is, online dating services that safely keep the Reds with the Reds, and the Blues with the Blues.

Because, hey -- the last thing America needs is a generation of purple kids.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GAY MARRIAGE
Moved: 7/23/2004 7:52
CBS-GAY MARRIAGE 7/23/2004

Case closed! This is DR.

Congress may not have time to act on the 9/11 commission report -- but it did manage to take quick action on another issue.

And what else could be so important? Gay Marriage!

The Gay Marriage amendment may have failed, but the House DID vote this week to approve something called the Marriage Protection Act.

Which is a unique piece of legislation.

The backers of this bill are concerned that gay people who get married in a state like Massachusetts might then insist that another state -- like Texas -- ALSO treat them as married. And if Texas refuses by invoking the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act, those couples might sue in a federal court to overturn the Defense of Marriage Act, and might win!

So the bill says no federal court, including the Supreme Court, is allowed to overturn the defense of Marriage Act.

Yes! It's a law that defines another law as automatically constitutional.

Now, if that's truly possible -- why doesn't congress do that with EVERY law! It would save so much trouble!

You could pass a law mandating a display of the Ten Commandments, and then pass another law declaring it automatically constitutional. Case closed! Case couldn't even be opened!

You could pass a law requiring that protestors keep their mouths shut, and then pass another declaring it automatically constitutional.

Just one catch. Experts say it's not clear whether the Supreme Court would uphold a law which strips it of the ability to overturn laws. But then that's easy: pass a law that prohibits the Supreme Court from overturning the law that prohibits it from overturning laws.

Duh!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CHENEY
Moved: 7/15/2004 7:31
CBS-CHENEY 7/15/2004

Shaking up the ticket. This is DR...

Now that the Democrats have their vice president, and the last shred of suspense is gone from the conventions, all of us in the media are fishing.

And we finally have something. The rumor that come November Dick Cheney won't be on the Republican ticket.

At first blush it would seem absurd. Dick Cheney is clearly crucial to this administration. When Tom Ridge raises the Orange flag -- who goes into the secret bunker! It's Cheney!

But this is no longer an ordinary rumor because today it reached the New York Times. 

The scenario is that the REAL reason Cheney just dismissed his personal physician was not the stated addiction to prescription drugs, but because he wants a new doctor.

A doctor who, after carefully examining Cheney's poll numbers, will discover a heart problem, and order him to drop out of the race for health reasons. Which would immediately strike every one of us as plausible and not the least bit coincidental because Cheney has a history of heart problems.

Not only has this rumor been advanced by Democrats, but we're told that one Republican House member whispered to a reporter, "Watch Cheney," then insisted on anonymity.

So there it is. The August Surprise won't be the discovery of Osama but the discovery of arrhythmia.

And who would to replace him? Clearly you reach across the aisle to someone who might be unhappy. The way Kerry tried to do with McCain. Like a certain former first lady who isn't being allowed to speak at the Democratic convention. 

In a weak moment she might jump...

OK, so I'm desperate for excitement.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TOM RIDGE
Moved: 7/15/2004 7:31
CBS-TOM RIDGE 7/9/2004

You have been warned. This is DR...

If there is a terrorist attack this summer, one thing is for sure. We won't be able to say we weren't warned.

We were warned in April, we were warned in May, we were warned in June, and we were warned yesterday. The potential targets this time -- the political conventions.

And the intent, according to director of Homeland Security Tom Ridge, is to disrupt our elections:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>CBS 214 RIDGE
Time: 10s
Title: CBS 214 RIDGE
Out-cue: RESOLVE]

They're trying to shake our resolve.

Well, we may not be able to control the terrorists, but we can CERTAINLY control our own resolve.

So suppose we all resolve right now that if something happens, we will all vote as if it hadn't.

I know that may be tough, but it's pretty popular to talk about courage these days, so suppose we all try to have a little.

Even if the attack turns out to be an election eve attack -- as happened in Madrid -- don't let it change your mind. Let's remember that as terrible as they were, the main effect of the September 11th attacks was psychological. 

So if your choice was Bush before the attack, resolve to vote for him after the attack. If your choice was Kerry before the attack, vote for him after the attack. If your choice was Nader -- you get the idea!

It would drive the terrorists nuts!

And then, the only way they could disrupt the election would be if they hacked those new electronic voting machines. Which, we've been told, is absolutely impossible.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS OUTING
Moved: 7/15/2004 7:30
OUTING.CBS 07/14/04 8:06 AMDLR 1:25

And they lived happily ever after. This is DR...

Summer, a time for weddings  and the big senate marriage debate.
Who gets to practice state sanctioned monogamy became the most important issue on the Senate's agenda this week  a debate which took an institution designed to UNITE people, and used it to DIVIDE people. 
And now, it's getting even uglier. Some gay rights activists have decided enough is enough, and have started "outing" certain staff members on Capitol Hill.

One web site has posted the names of closeted Capitol Hill staffers who work for members who support the antigaymarriage amendment.
The site posts a mock daily schedule  

9 a.m.  call so and so of Rep so and so's office. Question  How can you serve as chief of staff when you are a gay man in a longterm relationship? The direct phone line is provided.

12 noon  call so and so in Rep so and so's office. Question: how can you serve as press secretary for an amendment supporter when you are yourself an openly gay man. And so on.

Now, I know it may be hard to understand why gay people would work for members who seem to oppose their interests.
But see  I figure that's THEIR business.

One of the arguments for extending marriage to gay couples is that these couples harm no one. As long as two adults want to make this commitment, their sexual orientation is THEIR business, not the government's.

I figure if someone doesn't want to be out of the closet, they have a reason. It may not be a good reason, but it's THEIR reason.
To decide that their sexuality is suddenly EVERYBODY'S business  well, that's pretty much the same thing the ANTIgaymarriage side has been saying, isn't it? Now this. ~C:\works\files\OUTING.CBS 
Index 

CBS EDWARDS2
Moved: 7/12/2004 5:42
EDWARDS.CBS 07/07/04 8:00 AMDLR 1:27

Apparently, a terrible mistake has been made. This is DR... 

There was a terrible mistake when John Kerry announced his vice President. Not just the New York Post's bogus "Dick Gephardt" headline. When you're in a hurry, typos happen.
No, I'm talking about the shocking background file that came out within minutes of the announcement.

The Republicans released a file on John Edwards that was breathtaking. It turns out  and you'd think Kerry would've caught this  that Edwards hasn't done one good thing since getting into politics.

Listen to this: he voted against relieving the marriage penalty in the tax code 12 times, voted against Child Tax credits FOUR times, and voted against the ban on flag burning. So right there he's antimarriage, antichild, and wants to torch your flags.
He also blocked a bipartisan energy bill. So he wants your lights to go out. And he voted 8 times against repealing the death tax! So he hates your kids and the flag, wants you to freeze in the dark, AND plans to strip the gold fillings out of your teeth after you die.

But here's the most damning part.

The Republican document reports that despite being the son of a Millworker, and claiming to understand rural people, Edwards hasn't hunted or fished in years, Doesn't Follow Weekly NASCAR Races, and Can't Even Remember Make Or Model Of His Own Truck.

Why didn't anybody check this guy out sooner? He should be stripped of his southern accent!
Assuming it's even real, that is. I bet Kerry wishes he'd listened to the Post now!

I mean, the stuff on the Republicans' website about John Edwards is so bad  it's almost as bad as the stuff on the Democrats website about Dick Cheney. And THAT'S bad.

Now this. ~C:\works\files\EDWARDS.CBS 
Index 

CBS CIA
Moved: 7/12/2004 5:41
CBS-CIA 7/9/2004

Garbage in, Garbage out. This is DR...

The Senate Intelligence committee today reported that the information provided to policy makers who had to make the decision about going to war against Saddam Hussein was flawed. As in, dead wrong.
Now the focus is on how to make it better.
Except that -- policy makers knew the evidence on Saddam's weapons wasn't there. And it didn't matter:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>rumsfeld2 SHORT
Time: 9s
Title: rumsfeld2
In-cue: 1/15/2003 explaining Iraq
Out-cue: ]

Donald Rumsfeld, January 2003. The people saying that evidence matters -- people like former UN Weapons inspector Scott Ritter -- were discredited:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>ritter1
Time: 15s
Title: ritter1
In-cue: The fact that
Out-cue: president alludes to]

This was a pre-emptive war. And in a pre-emptive war, what matters in INTENT. We went in because Saddam had the INTENT to come after us.

Defense Secretary Rumsfeld admitted one year ago we didn't go to war based on new information:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>rumsfeld070903
Time: 15s
Out-cue: ]

So you can improve intelligence gathering all you want. But ignoring good intelligence will cause just as many problems as following bad intelligence.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ENRON
Moved: 7/8/2004 9:06
CBS-ENRON 7/8/2004

All in the name. This is DR...

Kenneth Lay, founder of Enron, is now under indictment. He feels it's unfair, and says he doesn't know of a single statement he made that didn't conform with what he thought the facts to be.

Whether Ken Lay is guilty or not, I don't know. But based on those tapes we've been hearing, of traders deliberately conspiring to create shortages, you have to conclude the company he chaired is guilty as hell... of SOMETHING. I can't quite put my finger on what the charge should be, but I know there is something wrong when an ENERGY company looks for ways NOT to deliver energy.

And I think where Ken Lay began to go wrong was from the moment he picked the name Enron. What does ENRON mean, exactly?

I've lived in three different states, and there was never any doubt about who was the power company and what it did. In New York State, we had New York State Electric and Gas. In Georgia, we had Georgia Power. In Washington State we have Puget Sound Energy.

The NAMES say it all -- these were companies established to deliver electricity, gas, power, energy to New York, Georgia, and Puget Sound.

Now what does the name "ENRON" say?

Well, "E-N" kind of connotes energy, but "Ron" -- is it from "electron"? "Neutron"?
aileron, gravitron, or robber baron.

Who knows? Doesn't matter anyway, because it's clear the company, at its heart, wasn't about Energy.

Whether the lights were on or off didn't matter as long the guys at the trading desk made piles of money.

On second thought -- maybe Enron WAS an appropriate name -- Energy ... in the hands of Morons.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS JOHN EDWARDS
Moved: 7/6/2004 7:41
CBS-JOHN EDWARDS 7/6/2004

John Edwards come on down! This is DR...

John Edwards will run side by side with John Kerry: the man on the twenty dollar bill next to the boy wonder.

I remember, seeing him in New Hampshire, how effectively he worked the crowd with his speech about the two Americas:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>edwards SHORT
Time: 19s
Title: edwards SHORT
Out-cue: ][We will say no to kids going to bed hungry, no to kids who don't have the clothes to keep them warm, and no forever to any American working full time, and living in poverty. Not in our America. Not in our America.]

But you know what I remember best? That he looked just as young in person as on TV.

He looks 31 not 51. And he's so thin, he never has to unbutton his jacket. Which, I think, is one reason Kerry beat him -- you have to be 35 to run for President, and Edwards just didn't look old enough. Democrats wanted someone with gravitas to stand in contrast to George W. Bush.

But since then, there have been worries that Kerry might be a little too heavy on the gravitas.

So now, he'll have someone next to him who is smart, southern, and sexy.

Oh I know, the official reason for picking Edwards is that he took a courageous stand for the forgotten Americans. But I can't help but notice that he's young, vigorous, and upbeat, whereas Dick Cheney is... let's just say, kind of upbeat-challenged. 

The BIG loser in this, however -- is the vast right wing conspiracy. Because Kerry picking Edwards sends a very clear message. It's not Hillary.

-- Dashing the hopes of untold numbers of authors and their anonymous sources.

I means that for some people anyway, a Kerry Presidency will NOT be creating very many jobs.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DIVIDED
Moved: 7/5/2004 7:22
CBS-DIVIDED 7/5/2004

One nation -- easily divisible. This is DR...

We may be the United States, but the latest CBS News/New York Times poll shows that politically, we're still Red America and Blue America.

About all we agree on is that it makes a big difference who is elected President. Only 17% say it makes NO difference at all.

But we differ on just about everything else.

Asked what's more important in a President, 68% of Democrats said ability to manage the government was more important. Among Independents, 59% agreed; among Republicans, only 36% agreed. Far more important to Republicans was MORAL leadership: 54% wanted moral leadership from a president, while only 30% of independents, and 25% of Democrats looked to the President as a moral leader.

On the matter of job security -- 8% of Republicans said they were very concerned about losing their job, while among Democrats, 35% said they were very concerned about losing theirs.

But the biggest divide is over Iraq. 80% of Republicans said we did the right thing, compared to only 27% of democrats. And as for how the war is going, 68% of Republicans say well, while only 22% of Democrats agree.

There is some hope, however. Asked whether the parties should Compromise or Stick To Principles, a large majority in every category said YES. 76% of Republicans, 86% of Independents, and 87% of Democrats were in favor of compromise.

So while Americans are divided on a number of important issues, at least we are united in feeling we SHOULDN'T be.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS COSBY
Moved: 7/5/2004 7:22
COSBY.CBS 07/02/04 7:57 AMDLR 1:19

Could you rescue US too? This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Bill Cosby spoke out again about the state of African American culture.

He stood up before the Rainbow Push coalition meeting in Chicago, ridiculed the poor grammar of some black kids and their parents, said kids who think it's hip to use the "n" word can't even spell it, and said again that African Americans should stop blaming white people for what's wrong in their lives.

He told parents to censor what their kids watch and listen to.

He took on comedians who can't be funny without profanity.

He took on anyone who thinks education is unimportant.

And the audience applauded him...

There's a concern among some people in the black community that he'll play into the hands of bigots.

Well, I don't know about that, but speaking as a white person, I just want to say I just wish white people had someone like Bill Cosby who could get up, talk about grammar and manners, and get applause for it.

The trend among white people these days is distinctly ANTIgrammar. You see it in the Presidential race. Some Democrats are even concerned that John Kerry is "too polished." Too wellspoken. All too able to speak tall sentences in a single bound.

In contrast, George Bush may mangle his words on occasion, but by golly we like that  because those mangled words connect with ordinary people.

As for the manners  even the vice president mttered an obscenity last week  and later said it made him feel better.

So, it's nice that African Americans now have an outspoken celebrity role model, but what about us white people? Who's going to rescue us? (PAT ROBERTSON) Never mind. Now this.

~C:\works\files\COSBY.CBS 
Index 

CBS SADDAM TRIAL
Moved: 7/5/2004 7:22
SADDAMTR.CBS 07/02/04 8:16 AMDLR 1:17

They all appeared suddenly ordinary. This is DR...

That's the line that stands out in the New York Times article about the court appearance of Saddam Hussein and his footmen.

They all appeared suddenly ordinary.

They were thinner, or balder, or grayer, or stooped, or dressed in illfitting suits. But stripped of the black berets and ribbons and nononsense military khakis they were all suddenly ordinary.

Saddam still put on a good show. 

He claimed Presidential Immunity  that all those atrocities were committed in his 
official capacity, and so he wasn't personally accountable.
Essentially saying  "You can't prosecute me for simply following my own orders."
And the other former officials who marched to the dock after him said much the same thing  as public officials, they could not be held personally accountable for killing innocent people.

Tariq Aziz, who was once the spokesman for Saddam, was quoted as saying  If I am a member of a government that makes the mistake of killing someone, then there can't justifiably be an accusation against me personally. Where there is a crime committed by the leadership, the moral responsibility rests there."
"I never killed anybody, by the acts of my own hand," he said.

My guess is the court won't buy that argument.

But he has a point. Ruthless leaders need followers to carry out their ruthlessness.
They need people who think that blind duty comes first. Soldiers who forget that they outnumber a corrupt leader. 

People like Saddam can only succeed when they have a rank and file who ARE impressed by the uniform, who DO think these are special men instead of the ordinary men they really are.

Now this.

~C:\works\files\SADDAMTR.CBS 
Index 

CBS IRAQGUNS
Moved: 7/1/2004 11:04
IRAQGUNS.CBS 06/30/04 8:09 AMDLR 1:22

Guns in Iraq? What to do. This is DR...

The attacks in Baghdad resumed today, with 10 mortar rounds landing near the Airport, and a car bomb south of the capital.

But according to a report issued today in Geneva, there is ANOTHER reason for growing instability in the region. Not mortars and bombs, but SMALL ARMS.
The small arms survey, issued every year, points out that the Iraqi people currently control as many as 8 million firearms.

And while that's fewer guns per person than countries such as Finland, a lot of the guns in Iraq come from a disbanded army, and so a lot of them could be military.
The study points to the dramatic rise in murders in Baghdad, and worries that all those privatelyheld weapons are going to turn Mesopotamia into one giant gun show loophole.

But here in America we do our own firearms studies, and they show there is nothing to worry about.

In fact the gun lobby has consistently argued that the way to reduce violence is to sell MORE guns.

In this country, for example, civilians own more than 220 million firearms. Are we in a state of insurrection? No. Even with millions of people flocking to that new Michael Moore movie, we remain as calm as can be.

In fact, the NRA argues that in states like Texas and Florida where lawabiding adults get the right carry concealed weapons, violent crimes of all kinds actually DECREASE. More guns, more peace!

Which means instead of confiscating Iraq's weapons, we should be airdropping more! 

It would be the perfect test case! Eight million guns in private hands is a good start. But if we really want peace, it's going to take WAY more guns than that.

This is DR.

~C:\works\files\IRAQGUNS.CBS 
Index 

CBS SADDAM revised
Moved: 7/1/2004 7:56
CBS-SADDAM 7/1/2004

Saddam faces charges. This is DR...

Saddam's first court appearance got the Michael Jackson treatment -- descriptions of his demeanor, speculation on why he wore a full beard, how much weight he lost.

We then heard the first part of the hearing in which Saddam debated the judge -- questioning the law that established the court, lecturing him on the status of an elected President.

Saddam: Is it allowed to call a president elected by the people and charge him according to a law that was enacted under his will and the will of the people?

Judge: A president is a deputy of the society. And every citizen who violates a law has to come before the law.

So Saddam was essentially claiming "Presidential immunity" for acts committed in his official capacity as commander in chief. He seemed particularly upset that he would be held accountable for the invasion of Kuwait -- which was an official act.

Interesting. Because if that indeed is the argument, his conviction would set a precedent -- at least in the minds of those watching the trial -- that leaders are indeed personally accountable for the wars they start.

Also interesting -- the tapes that were initially released did NOT include other comments relayed by reporters who witnessed the proceeding, who quoted Saddam as calling Kuwaitis "dogs" and saying "This is all theater, the real criminal is Bush."

It's too early to predict what effect all this will have -- seeing a tyrant brought to trial, by the very people who once feared him.

It could light a fire in the Arab world. What we don't know yet is which way it'll burn.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MICHAEL MOBBS
Moved: 6/29/2004 7:38
CBS-MICHAEL MOBBS 6/29/2004

The man with the key to the Constitution. This is DR...

In this whole discussion about enemy combatants, I've always wondered who decides? Who decides which combatant is bad enough to get no rights? I know the President, as Commander in Chief signs the paperwork, but who WRITES UP the charge?

And the Supreme Court decision yesterday answered that question, at least in the case of enemy combatant Yasser Hamdi.

According to the Supreme Court, the only evidence against Hamdi was a "declaration" signed by a defense department official named Michael Mobbs, Special Advisor to the Under Secretary of Defense for Policy.

Mobbs declared that because al Qaeda and the Taliban were hostile forces engaged in armed conflict with the United States, that individuals associated with those groups "were and continue to be enemy combatants."

Lock him up, case closed.

Who is Michael Mobbs? He is an attorney, fluent in Russian, a specialist in ballistic missiles, once mentioned as the man to get the job that Paul Bremer eventually got, AND -- his boss is Under Secretary Douglas Feith, one of the famous neo-cons. Feith is the man who decided to make Weapons of Mass Destruction the main reason for the war, who came up with the legal rationale for the torture at Abu Ghraib, and whose office documented the supposed links between Saddam Hussein and Al Qaeda.

And it was in that office that Michael Mobbs decided when Constitutional rights would and would not apply.

Whether Yasser Hamdi is guilty or not, we don't know. But yesterday the Supreme court ruled that in making that determination, this country deserved better than Mobbs Rule.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQ HANDOVER
Moved: 6/28/2004 7:38
CBS-IRAQ HANDOVER 6/28/2004

Iraqi Independence Day. This is DR...

The Coalition occupation of Iraq is OVER, two days early. It's like when the doctor tells you he'll give you your shot on the count of three, and then does it on "two."

Not quite the grand public ceremony we might have hoped for, but the purpose of this Independence Day was to discourage fireworks, not invite them.

In fact I think what we're seeing here, in addition to a genuine desire to do right by the people of Iraq, is a genuine desire to get Iraq off the front page.

And oddly enough, the insurgents are helping. The beheadings, sad as it is to say so, don't have the same impact they did when they began, because we hear it every day now.

And with the beheaders now threatening everybody, including Iraqis, they've provided a clearly-defined enemy, and a taste of what would be in store should Democracy fail.

So when Prime Minister Ayad Allawi asks the people of Iraq to be the eyes and ears of the security service; they might just listen. And if he can turn the highly-developed Iraqi grapevine against the insurgents, Abu Musab Al Zarqawi will have to start hunting for a world class spider hole.

As for Saddam, Iraqis will see him put on trial by their own country, not the US; and if martial law must be declared, we're not the ones who will declare it -- the fully-sovereign Iraqi government will declare it... and just outsource the work to us.

Proving that outsourcing can actually CREATE American jobs.
Add all this to dropping gas prices, and I get the feeling that somebody, probably around October, will be tempted to use the phrase ... Mission Accomplished.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS MORE IRAQ VIOLENCE
Moved: 6/28/2004 5:20
CBS-MORE IRAQ VIOLENCE 6/24/2004

Countdown to sovereignty. This is DR...

The President warned it would get worse before it got better, and I think we can say that this time, the intelligence was absolutely right.

With a week to go before the occupation formally ends, about 70 people, including more than 20 Iraqi police and three US soldiers, were killed today as insurgents attacked in Baqubah, Fallujah, Ramadi, Baghdad, and even formerly-quiet Mosul, where car bombings killed 44 people.
In Baqubah, a brand new insurgent group appeared: fighters wore yellow headbands identifying themselves as members of the Battalions of Monotheism and Holy War. Their leaflets warned Iraqis not to "collaborate" with the Americans.
Which shouldn't be a problem, you figure, because with Paul Bremer packing up and leaving in six days, the occupation will end and there'll be fewer and fewer Americans to collaborate with.
But a strange thing is happening as the occupation ends... US Central Command is indicating it may call in about 25,000 more troops, including reserve troops who don't train regularly, but are still under an eight-year service obligation.

Always read the fine print in your recruitment contract.

And always read the fine print behind the phrase "full sovereignty." Because if I understand this, the more fully-sovereign Iraq gets, the more troops we have to send.

So... the end of the occupation, while it does indeed mean we will no longer occupy Iraq, also means that the NUMBER of troops NOT occupying Iraq will have to increase. To insure that the non-occupation is a success.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS LUNA
Moved: 6/28/2004 5:20
CBS-LUNA 6/25/2004

Finding Luna. This is DR...

It's the story of another killer whale who strayed from the family pod, looking for adventure. Luna the Orca, age 4, ran away from home and has been frolicking in the waters of Nootka Sound off British Columbia. 

Now he's in a contest between the Canadian Department of Fisheries, which wants to move him south to unite him with his pod, and native tribes who think he embodies the spirit of a dead chief, and have lured him away from the nets by beating drums.

Bob McLauglin of Global Research and Rescue, says even if Luna IS returned to the pod, he may be too far gone:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>luna ever return 4
Time: 6s
Title: luna ever return 4
Out-cue: "can do.."]

Yes, we humans have our excesses -- we pollute, we fight, we swear out loud -- but the killer whales love us. Remember Keiko? Keiko got more therapy than Bill Clinton. But he kept coming back to his favorite Norwegian fjord where he could snuggle with pleasure boats and get free fish.

Remember Springer? Who at the age of two bonded with a Washington state ferry?

Springer DID finally return to her pod, but it wasn't easy. Because we treat killer whales like swim toys, and they've caught on.

It's like Pinocchio and the land of the lost boys ... "leave the pod and you'll get all the love you want from a generation taught by the Discovery channel to see you as big swimming teddy bears."

"Killer" whales! The name is a joke! 

And I say again, they, like so many other once-wild species, will one day be like the crows ... perched on power lines waiting for a french fry to miss your mouth.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS LAWSUITS
Moved: 6/22/2004 7:55
CBS-LAWSUITS 6/22/2004 

Maybe it's time to just go quietly? This is DR

The Supreme Court has ruled that if you want to sue your HMO for not covering you, those lawsuits must be filed in federal court.

Why is this so important, you may wonder -- is it because federal courts typically have easier parking, or more comfortable benches, or more cheerful judges?

Actually, no, it's because federal courts don't accept those big malpractice lawsuits the way state courts do. All a federal court can do is award you the value of the benefits you were denied, assuming you're still alive to endorse the check.

HMOs wanted the ruling because medical costs in America are headed to the edge of the atmosphere, and they show no signs of re-entry.

Among the reasons for that are: because a relatively small number of people, through no fault of their own, have extremely expensive medical problems, AND that my generation, the baby boomers, are determined to live until our 401Ks recover, no matter how many pills and how much machinery we have to stuff into our bodies.

As a result -- HMOs, and other insurers, are trying to find ways to limit costs without getting sued. But when you try to tell someone, "I'm sorry, your disease is too expensive to cure," or "I'm sorry, you're 90 years old, we can't justify giving you a third pacemaker" people get sore.

What to do. Well, three things, as far as I can see. Pump less weird stuff into the air, water, and food just in case that's what's causing some of these exotic diseases; take better care of yourself; and when your time is up, just go quietly.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS RUTAN
Moved: 6/22/2004 7:22
CBS-RUTAN 6/21/2004

The first privately-funded astronaut. This is DR...

So many stories competing for attention. Bill Clinton and his new book reminding us that once upon a time, our standards were so high that recreational sex could get you impeached.

Vice President Cheney -- now coyly implying he may know more than the 9/11 commission about the relationship between Iraq and al-Qaeda. But he can't tell because it's a secret. Like we couldn't get better intelligence watching al Jazeera.

But then -- there's SpaceShipOne. Today Paul Allen and Burt Rutan's funky little space ship made Mike Melvill the first civilian astronaut -- flying to the edge of the atmosphere, as Alan Shepard did 43 years ago.

Here are people who don't just stand around blabbing -- they go out and push the envelope.

They see a mountain 62 and a half miles high, and decide it's got to be climbed.

The only rules they have to follow are the rules of finance and physics... and thanks to Paul Allen's billions, some of the rules of finance can be suspended.

Their budget is 20 million dollars, which Burt Rutan describes as about what NASA would pay for a feasibility study.

It doesn't involve blowing things up, nation building, or public angst about personal morality. Mike Melvill sat without a space suit in a flying pontoon designed to float home like a shuttle cock -- a spaceship that uses cables and push rods.

A little like the first covered wagon after Lewis and Clark. But it worked.

And it's a reminder that what REALLY makes a country great is its ability to unleash individual cre-a-tivity.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GAS PRICES
Moved: 6/21/2004 10:59
CBS-GAS PRICES 6/15/2004

Gas prices drop, heads go back in sand. This is DR...

The latest check of gas prices is good news. They're down! Gas prices are dropping even though the President stood firm and ignored advice to divert any oil from the strategic petroleum reserve. 

And it feels great. The way it feels when the torturer releases the thumbscrews. 

But as the pain subsides you start asking yourself -- hey -- maybe holding out my thumbs was a bad idea.

Because you see, the reason prices are dropping is because we went begging to Saudi Arabia to increase production this summer.

Which lowers prices -- but also reminds us once again who's the boss. Reminds us once again that we have to kiss up to our oil daddy if we want our car candy.

Don't you find this humiliating?

Because you know they'll do it again and again and again.

And all that money you've been paying out the last few months? Gone. You won't see it again. The bridges will keep rusting, the roads will keep buckling. 

We've been paying a FEAR TAX that goes to support the very countries that have served as incubators of the terrorists who create the fear.

But, now that gas prices are dropping, we'll all forget about that.

And if someone were to suggest taking advantage of falling gas prices to RAISE gas taxes, as a way to keep demand down, maybe put a little scare into OPEC for a change, while at the same time collecting money that could stay right here creating transportation improvement and jobs that can't be outsourced? He'd be dismissed as crazy! Ah, the days when we had the courage to declare independence are long past.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS JOHNSON
Moved: 6/21/2004 10:59
CBS-JOHNSON [sub for West Coast feed] 6/18/2004

It's happened again. This DR...

Al Qaeda posts pictures of the beheading of Paul Johnson. And the reaction from my listeners was swift and brutal. Maybe the Saudi's should start beheading the prisoners the terrorists wanted to release. Or better yet, shoot them with bullets coated in pig's blood ... so that they could scratch heaven off the list of destinations.

Another listener said it's time to call out the bombers and level any nation that harbored terrorists. When I observed that the crime happened in Saudi Arabia -- she said, no matter, level Riyadh.

And so it went -- people want revenge.

I understand that. And I understand one other thing. So does al-Qaeda. Al-Qaeda also wants us to take revenge. They'd LOVE to see Riyadh leveled. Because as the cycle of revenge escalates, pretty soon, the war isn't just limited to Iraq and Afghanistan. And a radical Islamist utopia will rise from the ashes of Western civilization.

I hope we remember one thing. It's not just about good and evil... it's chaos versus order.

Order is based on number one, a system of laws, and number two, a society willing to follow them. 

How long will we be willing?

Media critics wonder why there so much outrage at Abu Ghraib when that was NOTHING compared to stuff like this? But the answer is because Abu Ghraib was done in OUR NAME. By OUR PEOPLE. The BRUTES you expect to act like brutes. But Americans are supposed act like Americans.

Remember that al Qaeda doesn't care how the chaos comes. They'd be perfectly happy for us to create it for them.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SHOOT DOWN
Moved: 6/21/2004 10:59
CBS-SHOOT DOWN 6/18/2004
Just shoot me. This is DR...
One of the things that came out in the 9/11 report was that the confusion over when fighter pilots actually received the order to shoot down passenger planes.
Eventually they did, but it came after the last plane had crashed.
It had to be difficult for General Ralph Eberhardt, the commander of NORAD, to sit there and explain why his agency couldn't do anything to protect the nation on September 11th.
But he testified that, had information about the hijackings been passed along faster, fighters could have intercepted and shot down most or all of the hijacked planes.
Hmm. That would have meant twenty minutes from scramble to shootdown. Not a lot of time to deliberate. Now, as an American who wants to be protected from another attack, I'm happy they think they can work so fast. However, as an American who flies a lot... I have just a few qualms.
I would at least hope that before fighter jets financed by my tax money shoot me down, they would make REAL sure I NEED to be shot down.
I know the military conducts mock shoot-downs of commercial airliners three to four times a week to train crews not to hesitate. They regularly discuss destroying commercial jets to make sure that the crews are mentally prepared to do it.

OK, but how about a little mental preparation for US too? Such as ... a guarantee of compensation for our families in the event we become involuntary heroes.
And maybe give the fighter pilots a cell phone, OK? So you could call and say -- "Thanks, but we got him." Or at least -- "give us a few more minutes to empty the liquor cart."
Now this. 
Index 

CBS REASON TO INVADE
Moved: 6/21/2004 10:59
CBS-REASON TO INVADE 6/18/2004
Will we EVER get a straight answer? This is DR...
By the time the election gets here, we need to know whether the war in Iraq was justified or not, because unless we get an answer by November, ballots will be so full of cross-outs and scribbles we'll need another do-over.
And yet, the more evidence we get, the more confusing it becomes.
Today, for example, President Vladimir Putin said that RUSSIA warned US officials before the war in Iraq that Saddam Hussein’s regime might be preparing attacks against the United States and its interests abroad.
Now THAT sounds pretty serious. But if the evidence was that persuasive why didn't Russia SUPPORT us? A little money. A few troops. A couple of LEAFLETS. 
But then despite the Russian intelligence, whatever it was, we have the 9/11 commission reporting that, after reading ITS classified intelligence reports, they could find no evidence of a "collaborative relationship" linking Iraq to Al Qaeda.
That prompted the New York Times to run the headline "Panel Finds No Qaeda-Iraq Tie," but the Vice President described the headline as "Outrageous" because he says the facts PROVE there was a "tie" -- he called it a "relationship", albeit not "collaborative" -- going back to the early 90's.
Then the head of the 9/11 commission came back and said while there may have been no COLLABORATIVE relationship, there WERE at least SHADOWY contacts.
So on the matter of Iraq and Al Qaeda, I guess we can conclude they slept together but never had children.
Which means that in going to war, we DEFINITELY saved ourselves from something. We just don't know what.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS 9/11 COMMISSION
Moved: 6/21/2004 10:59
CBS-9/11 COMMISSION

The last line of defense. This is DR...

It began with a transmission came from the cockpit of American Airlines Flight 11 at 8:24:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS-175B 911 COMMISSION
Time: 5s
Title: CBS-175B 911 COMMISSION
Out-cue: the airport][``We have some planes. Just stay quiet and you'll be OK. We are returning to the airport.'']

The report of the 9/11 commission then documents what happened minute by minute:

You read about air traffic controllers trying to understand what was going on... contacting the military on their own, but having no authority to do anything beyond divert other aircraft out of the way.

It was not until 15 minutes after the last plane --Flight 93 -- crashed in Pennsylvania, that a shoot-down order was issued -- and even then, pilots weren't sure it really WAS a shoot-down order.
During those minutes, the defense of the nation was not in the hands of the people whose primary job is to defend the nation; it was in the hands of people whose primary job was to land planes safely. It was in the hands of a cluster of air traffic controllers --they were the ones analyzing the available intelligence and taking action.
[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS-187 911 COMMISSION
Time: 8s
Title: CBS-187 911 COMMISSION
Out-cue: one alright]
And, of course, there was one other group defending the nation. The report spells it out in the last paragraph:
(QUOTE) "...the nation owes a debt to the passengers of United 93. Their actions saved the lives of countless others..."

It reminds us again that the last line of defense in an attack like this is not NORAD, not the FAA, not the President. It's ordinary people who rise to the occasion. People like us.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS RUTAN
Moved: 6/21/2004 7:58
CBS-RUTAN 6/21/2004

The first civilian astronaut. This is DR...

So many stories competing for attention. Bill Clinton and his new book reminding us that once upon a time, our standards were so high that recreational sex could get you impeached.

Vice President Cheney -- now coyly implying he may know more than the 9/11 commission about the relationship between Iraq and al-Qaeda. But he can't tell because it's a secret. Like we couldn't get better intelligence watching al Jazeera.

But then -- there's SpaceShipOne. Today Paul Allen and Burt Rutan's funky little space ship made Mike Melvill the first civilian astronaut -- flying to the edge of the atmosphere, as Alan Shepard did 43 years ago.

Here are people who don't just stand around blabbing -- they go out and push the envelope.

They see a mountain 62 and a half miles high, and decide it's got to be climbed.

The only rules they have to follow are the rules of finance and physics... and thanks to Paul Allen's billions, some of the rules of finance can be suspended.

Their budget is 20 million dollars, which Burt Rutan describes as about what NASA would pay for a feasibility study.

It doesn't involve blowing things up, nation building, or public angst about personal morality. Mike Melvill sat without a space suit in a flying pontoon designed to float home like a shuttle cock -- a spaceship that uses cables and push rods.

A little like the first covered wagon after Lewis and Clark. But it worked.

And it's a reminder that what REALLY makes a country great is its ability to unleash individual cre-a-tivity.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SPAM
Moved: 6/16/2004 7:51
CBS-SPAM 6/16/2004

A nation helpless. This is DR...

In Iraq, we remain determined to hand the country over to a sovereign Iraqi government in two weeks. I don't know whether it will work, but at least it's fully in keeping with the can-do spirit that began with the Declaration of Independence, carried us through the Western Expansion, won two world wars, sent us to the moon, and buried communism.

But there is one area where America's can-do optimism has run aground.

The chairman of the Federal Trade Commission called a news conference yesterday to announce that right now, there is NOTHING the United States government can do about spam.

The idea of a Do Not Spam list was rejected because, said the chairman, spammers would get the Do Not Spam list, and spam it.

-- At least with old fashioned paper mail, once your mailbox was full there was a chance the rest would just spill into the street and be blown away.

But against e-mail we are helpless. And the consequences are clear.

Our children will reach adulthood never knowing the correct spelling of Viagra.

I will continue to get messages from some woman named "Jen" who has been trying to meet me for months. Lately she's been promising to bring her camcorder.

Don't bother Jen, my kids are grown.

And now that the government's given up, it's clear Jen and the rest will never stop e-mailing us, EVEN after we are all dead.

I guess if there's any upside to spam, that would have to be it: that long after we are gone, we'll still be getting offers for drugs and sex. Which is good because at least then you can't get into any trouble.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ENRON
Moved: 6/10/2004 7:47
CBS-ENRON 6/9/2004

What would Reagan do. This is DR....

The outpouring for Ronald Reagan has been beyond all expectations... no matter what you think of his presidency, that's how good he made Americans feel.

And with all this coverage, I can't help but apply the Reagan test to some of the OTHER stories in the news this week.

Like the latest Enron tapes outed by CBS:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>enron1
Time: 9s
Title: enron1
Out-cue: daily basis][What we need to do is to help in the cause of, uh, the downfall of California...you guys need to pull your megawatts out of California on a daily basis...]

Sure, ANY company can keep your lights ON. But at Enron, we want to be the energy company that keeps yours light off! Think how long your light bulbs will last NOW!

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>enron2
Time: 4s
Title: enron2
Out-cue: get crushed][You gotta think the economy is gonna f*****g get crushed!]

And yet despite all this... the corrupt Enron contracts remain in force. Ratepayers get ripped off every month. Members of Congress have demanded refunds, but the Chairman of the Federal Energy Regulatory Commission -- a commission appointed by the President -- says he has no authority.

So I wonder -- what would Ronald Reagan do? What would he do once he found out Enron had not only embarrassed the free market system, but was willing to CRUSH the economy of his beloved state of California?

No one really knows. But I'd like to think that he'd get a little ticked off. And that he would summon the press to the headquarters of the Federal Energy Regulatory Commission. And that he would say in a voice filled with quiet resolve, "Mr. Chairman... tear up this contract."

And how good it would feel.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS REAGAN2
Moved: 6/10/2004 7:47
CBS-REAGAN2 6/10/2004

Order and chaos. This is DR...

Human beings have a need for order. The death of a leader threatens that order, and so we create ceremonies that attempt to re-establish it:

The rifles that fire as one; the pall bearers moving in lockstep; the honor guard standing like sculpture.

But that need for order, especially in a world as chaotic as ours has become, has also led to impatience, especially towards a government that seems to mess up all the time.

The incompetence of government was one of Ronald Reagan's favorite themes, and he often scored points by making fun of it.

And yet I think some people in the movement he started think they can love America but flat-out hate its government. They want order, and all they see in Washington is disarray.

And while they are certainly free to feel that way, the fact is that what makes this country special IS our government.

The US isn't based on the racial or ethnic bonds that typically give rise to nations, but on a form of government: a Constitution that says the ultimate power is vested in the people, not in some anointed king. It's a document that values compromise. It was designed so that a leader, no matter how popular, could not simply suspend the rights of citizens, and could always be held accountable for his actions.

Ronald Reagan is being remembered this week as the President who faced down the evil empire. I just hope that the crowds filing past his casket remember that the checks and balances in the Constitution -- chaotic though their effect may seem -- are what gave him the moral standing to do it.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS REAGAN
Moved: 6/8/2004 8:36
CBS-REAGAN 06/07/2004

Will his legend affect THIS year's election? This is DR...

The memorials are barely underway, and the political handicappers are already trying to figure out how Ronald Reagan's death will affect this year's election.

It prompted John Kerry to suspend campaigning for a week, officially out of respect, but he also knows the clips of any speech he gives this week -- would end up next to footage of that day's Reagan memorial.

But then, does that necessarily mean it helps President Bush?

Keep in mind that the clips of Ronald Reagan which we'll be seeing all week are not just ordinary clips; they're the BEST clips: the best clips of a man who even on his off days was still the best public speaker most of us will ever see.

I don't know of any politician today who can win that contest.

But that was only part of the reason for his legend. He also had a heck of a supporting cast. He had a Democratic House with a feisty speaker by the name of Tip O'Neill to provide a foil.

He came in at a time when inflation was 13.5%. So that when he asked "Are you better off now than you were four years ago" Democrat or Republican, you had to answer, "no!"

And in the foreign policy debate -- Reagan wasn't up against an invisible nemesis the way we are now. He had the Soviet Union! The only reason he could say "Mr Gorbachev, tear down this wall!" is because there was a Mr. Gorbachev, and there was a wall.

Can a politician use Ronald Reagan to affect this election? The world is so different compared to what it was 24 years ago, that I don't think even Ronald Reagan could use Ronald Reagan to affect this election.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS STEM CELL
Moved: 6/8/2004 8:36
CBS-STEM CELL 6/8/2004

Answer yes, or no. This is DR...

It's come out that last Friday, before former President Reagan died, 58 Senators -- both democrats and republicans, signed a letter asking President Bush to relax the restrictions on stem cell research he imposed three years ago.

This isn't new, but President Reagan's death the next day pushed it into the newspapers, because stem cell research has been one of Nancy Reagan's causes. She feels stem cell research might lead to a cure for the Alzheimer's that denied her the full companionship of her husband these last ten years.

But despite the support of Orrin Hatch and other prominent Republicans, she faces strong conservative opposition to any change.

Here, for example, is the 2004 Questionnaire issued by a group called the Republican National Coalition for Life, which it sends to candidates who want contributions:

Do you accept the fact that a human being comes into existence at fertilization? Yes/ No

Do you believe that all innocent human beings, from fertilization until natural death, at every stage of development, deserve legal protection? Yes/No

And then on the next page, the stem cell question: Will you ... prohibit scientific research that involves the killing of human embryos? Yes/No

Expected answers, of course, Yes. But could I propose some other questions. Such as ... do you feel people suffering from Alzheimers should someday be cured? Yes/No

Do you feel Nancy Reagan should have been able to enjoy the companionship of her husband these last ten years? Yes/No

Is it hypocritical to mourn a man in death, while promoting policies that would deny him a full life? Yes/ No

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TEXT PROTEST
Moved: 6/4/2004 7:45
CBS-TEXT PROTEST 06/04/2004
Getting the message. This is DR...
Nothing is more useful than a cell phone, and nothing is more annoying. Mine beeps all the time. It beeps to tell me the battery's charging, to remind me of appointments, when someone leaves a voice message, when someone leaves a text message -- and occasionally, it even rings with a phone call.
Most of these noises are simply the phone just doing its job. But a cell phone, by virtue of its constant presence, also leaves you at the mercy of ANYONE IN THE WORLD who has your number.
It's a system that requires all participants to exercise a level of self-control, so that we are not all being called, beeped or vibrated unless it's absolutely necessary.
And alas, there are those in our society who think your time... is their time.
And one of them is Fraser Ray of Wellington, New Zealand. 
Mr. Ray signed up for a phone that provided unlimited text messaging for $6.29 a month. Until Telecom decided that was a little too generous. This week, it imposed a limit of a thousand messages a month, after which they'd cost up to 20 cents each. Considering how difficult it is to press those tiny keys, that seems sufficient.
But it got Frasier Ray so upset that he decided to protest. By sending text messages. Right before the unlimited deal ended. At the rate of 2,580 a day. 80,000 in all, all saying the same thing -- ``Hi. How are you?''
So many messages that at the new rates of up to 20 cents each, his protest would have cost him over $10,000.
Well, he certainly made his point. The message fee should be raised to 40 cents.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ECONOMY
Moved: 6/4/2004 7:45
CBS-ECONOMY 6/4/04

Economy on the rebound. This is DR...

Finally, there is a spate of good economic news. The number of new jobs JUMPED against last month -- 248,000 new jobs were added in May, in addition to the 700,000 added in the two previous months.

Construction, health care, hotels, restaurants, ALL added jobs.

Even FACTORIES added jobs -- proving they haven't all moved offshore yet!

And the President? He's got to be pretty happy today, despite all those angry Italians, because his forecast of 2.6 million new jobs this year, once dismissed as wildly optimistic, may actually happen.

So I just want to take this opportunity to remind the newly employed, and the newly re-employed: SAVE YOUR MONEY THIS TIME!

Whenever the business cycle takes a dive, we hear the same thing. That everybody is one paycheck away from tent city. Well NOW is the time to do something about that. Everybody can save SOMETHING.

SO SAVE YOUR MONEY! BUY NOTHING YOU DON'T ABSOLUTELY NEED! And above all, DON'T BORROW ANY MORE, unless it's from a naive relative.

Because as sure as meteors fall from the sky, when the economy recovers, interest rates will rise, gas prices will really rise, health costs will really really rise, and unless a lot more oil starts flowing in Iraq, taxes will have to rise.

Boom times are intoxicating, but remember: just when they show no signs of stopping, they stop!

And even if this boom is as good as the last one, it WILL come to an end. So don't waste time. Start the automatic savings deductions. And always remember that your most reliable safety net ... is lookin' at you in the mirror.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CHALABI
Moved: 6/4/2004 7:43
CBS-CHALABI 6/2/2004
I do not know the man. This is DR...
The President held a news conference in the Rose Garden yesterday, to applaud the formation of Iraq's new interim government.
He was upbeat, and even seemed encouraged by the flashes of defiance coming from the newly-chosen leadership.
But there was one strange moment: a reporter asked whether Ahmad Chalabi, the imported Iraqi-American leader who was once the Pentagon's choice to lead Iraq, had provided false information.
And he seemed almost PUZZLED by the implication that he knew the man.
That's strange because by all accounts, Ahmad Chalabi was a very important player in the pre-war planning. His tips about hidden weapons to the Pentagon and the New York Times helped baptize the concept of pre-emptive war.
Plus he was in the VIP box right behind the first lady at the last State of the Union address.
But last month, the US cut off funding for his organization. And now, the CIA, according to the New York Times, believes that it was Chalabi who tipped off Iran to the fact that the United States had broken Iran's secret communications code.
And when the President got the question about Ahmad Chalabi at the news conference yesterday -- it was almost Ahmad Who?
[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush 060104 CHALABI
Time: 15s
Title: bush 060104 CHALABI
Out-cue: ][BUSH: My meetings with him were very brief. I think I met with him at the State of the Union and just, kind of, working through the rope line, and he might have come with a group of leaders. (SOUND OF BIRDS CHIRPING) But I haven't had any extensive conversations with him.] 
I was listening closely there, and I didn't hear a cock crow... but that Rose Garden sure has some AWFULLY noisy birds.

Now this... 
Index 

CBS METEOR
Moved: 6/3/2004 8:04
CBS-METEOR 6/3/2004

They could't believe their eyes? This is DR...

In the Seattle area, people who were awake couldn't believe their eyes. 2:45 in the morning; pitch black; and then, a popping sound, and it was day. For a second anyway.

And then, JUST as suddenly, the night returned. As if nothing had happened.

It was some sort of atmospheric event.

What do you do? Well, there really is nothing you CAN do about a bright flash of light ... except:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>METEOR-SIGHT 5
Time: 2s
Title: METEOR-SIGHT 5
Out-cue: ALL OF A SUDDEN]

Call the radio station!

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>METEOR-SIGHT-1 SHORT
Time: 2s
Title: METEOR-SIGHT-1
Out-cue: LIKE DAYLIGHT][Brilliant Blue]

We'll always listen:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>METEOR-SIGHT-2
Time: 6s
Title: METEOR-SIGHT-2
Out-cue: A SECOND]

I think people call because in a time when the country is divided about whether we should be at war in Iraq or not, we are in agreement on one thing. We are all opposed to the end of the world:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>METEOR-SIGHT-4
Time: 5s
Title: METEOR-SIGHT-4
Out-cue: NUCLEAR EXPLOSION]

And we may not know who's behind this, but if the moment they try to pull any funny business, the listening public is ready to expose them:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>METEOR-SIGHT-3 SHORT
Time: 4s
Title: METEOR-SIGHT-3
Out-cue: FLASH]

Including one guy who called up just after three a.m. claiming to be an astronomy professor:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>METEOR-PROF-2 FAKE
Time: 6s
Title: METEOR-PROF-2 (HE'S A FAKE!)
Out-cue: VOLKSWAGON]

Needless to say, he wasn't a REAL professor. The REAL professors have concluded it was only about the size of a computer monitor.

But come to think of it...that's just what the aliens would have you believe, isn't it?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DRUG CARDS
Moved: 6/1/2004 7:59
CBS-DRUG CARDS 06/01/2004
Pick a card. This is DR...
It begins today -- the new Medicare drug discount cards: an experiment intended to get older Americans to abandon their monthly pilgrimmages to Canada.
By using the cards, you may be able get your prescription drugs for less money than if you DON'T use them. A little like those grocery store cards where, if use them, you pay a reasonable amount for your groceries, and if you DON'T use them, the store charges some crazy price to punish you.
Some seniors are finding that they can go to a warehouse store like Costco and get drugs for even less than the cards allow... provided you have a Costco card, of course.
Otherwise, medicare's web site at medicare.gov has a search tool for web-enabled seniors that helps them navigate the WIDE choice of plans. In fact, I believe it is accurate to say that as of today, Americans have a wider choice of prescription drug plans than the next 18 NATO nations combined.
When I tried filling out the on-line form myself it came back with 34 different discount drug card options in my zip code, with fees ranging from zero to thirty dollars, and varying discounts depending on income level.
Some seniors report that the new program has already taught them to be better drug shoppers; others say it's incomprehensible.
I say, regardless of who's right -- this much we know: between the grocery cards, the warehouse cards, your charge cards and now the prescription drug cards, we're all going to have wallets the size of grapefruits.
But it's OK -- it's only temporary until 2006 -- when the ACTUAL Medicare drug benefit kicks in, and the whole system changes yet again.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MEMORIAL
Moved: 5/31/2004 8:38
CBS-MEMORIAL 5/31/2004

Finished monuments, unfinished lives. This is DR...

Three years after the president signed the legislation to build it, the World War Two Memorial was dedicated on the Mall in Washington, D.C. All the debate over whether it was too big, whether it was too militaristic, and whether it would ruin the view is over, and by all accounts, it is stirring reminder that even had crusty old veterans like Bob Dole blinking back tears on Meet The Press:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Bob Dole
Time: 8s
Title: Bob Dole
Out-cue: your whole life]

Monuments are always designed to be peaceful places of quiet reflection. Always immaculate, every blade of grass in place. The antithesis to the chaos that caused them to be built.

And sometimes, people who didn't go through the ordeal itself look at them and see glory.

But no war is really about glory -- it's about young people dying to protect a fellow soldier.

There's always a greater cause, of course, but people who've been through battle tell me the most important thing when the bullets fly is doing what it takes to keep your friends alive.

That's what the monuments never show you; the one thing we still forget - understandable because the people gathered at the cemeteries and marching in the parades tend to be old men.

But old men don't go to war. Boys go to war. Like a 19 year old Bob Dole. They know what Memorial Day is about. It's about the photograph on the piano of a son in uniform -- a photograph that turns yellow with the years, but will never age.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS GAS PRICES
Moved: 5/28/2004 11:16
CBS-GAS PRICES 5/28/2004

I said you'd pay, and you are. This is DR...

A week ago I said there was basically one thing you can do about gas prices in this country -- and that is, PAY THEM.

Since then the price has continued to climb, despite all the political promises, and -- look around you -- people are paying them.

There have been a couple of protests -- trucks block a freeway last month in Los Angeles; in Tacoma a couple of hundred truckers gathered in a parking lot to ask for higher rates -- but otherwise, not a peep.

An extraordinary thing has happened. Most people are resigned.

All boycott attempts have fizzled, SUV sales have slowed but people still drive them, and when reporters do surveys of people at the pump, they say gas prices are OUTRAGEOUS but they say it with a giggle which they have to do, because there they are at the pump filling up.

The Starbuck's effect has kicked in. People cope with outrageous prices by deliberately not paying attention.

Now let's anaylze this.

A year ago, when gas prices averaged $1.48, 60 cents a gallon CHEAPER, if I had proposed raising the gas tax 50 cents a gallon to pay for smoother roads, mass transit, better bridges, maybe a few additional Iraqi schools, OH, the e-mail I would have gotten!

How DARE you raise gas prices to the ABUSIVE level of a $1.98? The government will waste my money. They won't fix potholes, they'll pour it down a rathole! Fie, oh fie, on your silly idea!

Now, gas prices average $2.05, with the money going into the pockets of a bunch of Saudi princes -- and we're cool! No problem! Show me where to pay!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS JIM DYKE
Moved: 5/28/2004 11:16
CBS-SPECTACULAR 5/27/2004

I have a spectacular quote for you TODAY. This is DR...

I was talking on the air to Republican strategist Jim Dyke about John Kerry's latest speech, and at one point Jim started listing the names of people Kerry associates with, including billionaire George Soros:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>dyke1
Time: 10s
Title: dyke1
In-cue: George Soros called
Out-cue: peep from the democrats]
["George Soros, the largest single donor in the history of American politics, called the attacks of 9/11 'spectacular'. Not a peep from the Kerry campaign.]

It's bad enough that a democrat would associate with rich guys -- but to associate with a guy who thought the September 11th attacks were "spectacular" -- I had to double check.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>dyke2
Time: 13s
Title: dyke2
In-cue: Are you saying
Out-cue: please do][i hope you will]
[ROSS: Are you saying that George Soros was happy about the attacks on the World Trade Center?
DYKE: You need to ask George Soros. I'm telling you that his word, how he described it was 'spectacular.'
ROSS: And that was the full quote.
DYKE: I'll send you the full quote 
ROSS: Please do
DYKE: Read it on the air
ROSS: Please do
DYKE: I hope you will."]

And I did: here is the full quote:

In the December 2003 issue of the Atlantic Monthly, Soros wrote, "Admittedly, the terrorist attack was historic in its own right. Hijacking fully fueled airliners and using them as suicide bombs was an audacious idea, and its execution could not have been more spectacular." 

That is the quote in context.

And again, here's how Jim Dyke of the RNC categorized it:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>dyke3
Time: 3s
Title: dyke3
Out-cue: spectacular]
[I'm telling you that his word, how he described it was 'spectacular.']

[Q:...spectacular." CUT OFF]

By the way -- I found the word spectacular in another quote:

"The attack will be spectacular and designed to inflict mass casualties against U.S. facilities." That's in the CIA Intelligence Report for President Bush, July, 2001

Now this. 
Index 

CBS STICK IT TO THEM
Moved: 5/28/2004 6:59
CBS-STICK IT TO THEM 5/20/2004

Stick it to them! This is DR...

As anyone with an e-mail account knows, today is a special day. National "Stick it to them" day.

The anonymous e-mail has been circulating for weeks, clearly born of frustration with gas prices that now average higher than two dollars nationwide -- and it urges motorists to fight back. Not to take it anymore. STICK IT TO THEM!

It urges us to boycott gasoline today, thereby bringing a halt to all retail gasoline sales, so that oil companies (QUOTE) "choke on their stock piles."

Because we can show the oil companies -- heck, we can show the WORLD -- that the real power is not in the hands of some "noblesse oblige" Saudi Prince; the real power is in the hands of the PEOPLE!

And, By Gumout, the people will SPEAK! We will speak Abstinence to Power and watch them tremble!

And then, when national Stick It To Them Day is over, we will all gather to celebrate National Fill 'Er Up Day, and that will punish them too! As their computers are overloaded with desperate gas purchases!

And it won't stop there. Today I'm calling for a new protest against AIR POLLUTION. I call it "National Don't Breathe Day" and the way it would work is:

(BREATH)

All of us, at the stroke of noon, would show those polluters how upset we are by refusing to breathe their air for the rest of the day, because we refuse to fill our lungs with the by-products of unscrupulous corporations and by collectively holding our breath we would show, in the same way today's gas boycott shows, just how powerful we are right before we all keel over with a big thump and die.

Don't try that at home, by the way.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS INTEL
Moved: 5/27/2004 7:45
CBS-INTEL 5/25/2004

It was IRAN? This is DR...

According to the Guardian of London, the FBI is now investigating whether the reason we ended up in Iraq... was manipulation by IRAN.

Yes! 

As you may remember, Iran fought Iraq to only a stalemate in the Iran-Iraq war -- and the allegation, by some CIA officials, is that Iran then hatched a plan to get a certain superpower to finish the job.

To get that superpower to go after Iraq, there had to be some compelling reason. And according to the article, Ahmed Chalabi, and his right hand man were the conduits.
Sources in the CIA believe that this right hand man, a Mr. Habib was actually in the employ of Iranian intelligence. Which would be bad because this same Mr. Habib was also being paid by the Pentagon to find evidence of weapons of mass destruction. And, boy, did he ever find it!

Of course what we never found was the weapons themselves, leading some in the CIA to conclude that Iran used the Chalabi connection to PLANT the information to goad the United States into getting rid of an arch-enemy.

Wow. A third-world country using US as a proxy. That's karma.

Not everybody agrees with this analysis -- but man, if this is true ... you got the CIA, you got the DIA, the NSA, all those different intelligence agencies, all snookered...by two guys!

Don't they double-check each other? And if they're not double checking each other, maybe we could close up one or two, and get a bigger tax refund.

In any case I hope these allegations pan out, because years from now when my grandkids ask me how we got into this I want to be able to look 'em in the eye and say - well sonny, it was IRAN.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FANTASIA
Moved: 5/27/2004 7:44
CBS-FANTASIA 5/27/04

Some people have just got it. This is DR...

I know the news has been full of warnings about terrorists running around, but frankly, the buzz at the office this morning was about Fantasia.

Fantasia Barrino, the 19 year old gospel-trained winner of American Idol. The headlines called her soulful, sassy, feisty, self-assured. But I noticed something else too -- all the people I talked to this morning said they KNEW she would win. They knew from the BEGINNING she was going to win. 

-- Watching her and liking her was almost involuntary. She grabbed people like a tractor beam.

I said YIKES, how can anybody be that good, a singer is a singer. So I asked Ann to bring it up on the TiVo in the news room. And we watched her performance of "I believe" and I had to pull myself away because I was tearing up, and I'm a hard-hitting, say-it-like-I-see-it commentator whose reputation would be shot if it ever got out that he tears up at American Idol, of all things.

And I realized -- here it is again! It's like the kid in the first grade who was reading novels from the first day. The kid in high school physics who was born with math in his bones. The musicians in college who could sit down to a piano and play anything on sight.

These people are everywhere! Life is so unfair! Most of us could work at these things all our lives and STILL not do as well as the people who've just simply "got it."

It's called TALENT .. the quality means even the Simons of this world are blown away by what you can do.

Life is SO unfair. Although the more I think of it, maybe it means that sometimes, in cases like Fantasia's, life is actually quite fair indeed.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CAMERAS BANNED 5/24/
Moved: 5/24/2004 8:39
CBS-CAMERAS BANNED 5/24/04

Blame the cameras. This is DR...

It's reported that some of the notorious pictures from Abu Ghraib prison were taken by camera phones. And so, the defense department has come up with a solution. Ban them.

According to one news report, digital cameras of all kinds are now prohibited in military compounds in Iraq, and MAY be banned throughout the military.

At the same time, the Guardian of London, reported that the first hint of the scandal came not from a photograph, but in a letter that a female prisoner managed to smuggle out in December 2003.

Few people believed the note, but according to the Guardian, it claimed that US guards had been raping women detainees and that several of the women were now pregnant. The note also urged the Iraqi resistance to bomb the jail to spare the women further shame.

That last line explains something I was told during my week in Baghdad -- that for some inexplicable reason, one of the favorite targets of the Iraqi insurgents was Abu Ghraib prison.

So banning cameras will certainly make it a lot harder for the Washington Post to get incriminating pictures, but Iraq has an excellent grapevine, and if the abuse continues, they'll know. The only question now is, will WE?

THE PICTURES -- LEAKED BY A SOLDIER WITH A CONSCIENCE -- WERE WHAT finally got Secretary Rumsfeld's attention.

I have to think that if he really wants to make sure this kind of behavior stops, so that we don't create any MORE enemies, if he wants to show Iraq how an open society operates -- the answer isn't to take the cameras away from the troops. The answer is to issue them TO the troops.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS STICK IT TO THEM
Moved: 5/20/2004 5:25
CBS-STICK IT TO THEM

Stick it to them! This is DR...

As anyone with an e-mail account knows, today is a special day. National "Stick it to them" day.

The anonymous e-mail has been circulating for weeks, clearly born of frustration with gas prices that now average higher than two dollars nationwide -- and it urges motorists to fight back. Not to take it anymore. STICK IT TO THEM!

It urges us to boycott gasoline today, thereby bringing a halt to all retail gasoline sales, so that oil companies (QUOTE) "choke on their stock piles."

Because we can show the oil companies -- heck, we can show the WORLD -- that the real power is not in the hands of some "noblesse oblige" Saudi Prince; the real power is in the hands of the PEOPLE!

And, By Gumout, the people will SPEAK! We will speak Abstinence to Power and watch them tremble!

And then, when national Stick It To Them Day is over, we will all gather to celebrate National Fill 'Er Up Day, and that will punish them too! As their computers are overloaded with desperate gas purchases!

And it won't stop there. Today I'm calling for a new protest against AIR POLLUTION. I call it "National Don't Breathe Day" and the way it would work is:

(BREATH)

All of us, at the stroke of noon, would show those polluters how upset we are by refusing to breathe their air for the rest of the day, because we refuse to fill our lungs with the by-products of unscrupulous corporations and by collectively holding our breath we would show, in the same way today's gas boycott shows, just how powerful we are right before we all keel over with a big thump and die.

Don't try that at home, by the way.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WAR CHEERLEADERS
Moved: 5/18/2004 7:37
CBS-WAR CHEERLEADERS 5/17/2004

Turn up that country music. This is DR... sponsored by Coffee Mate.

Another member of the Iraqi governing council assassinated -- but it's strange... I get the feeling talk-show conservatives would rather talk about ANYTHING but what's happening in the war they once cheered for. Now that the facts are making everyone's palms sweaty, it's those dang America-hating reporters!

The cheerleaders want more coverage of the schools that have been rebuilt -- as long as no one mentions that some of those rebuilt schools are being used as weapons dumps again.
As I tune around the dial -- and maybe it's because I'm in Atlanta today where the President will be doing some fundraising -- but in my conspiratorial mind I get the feeling someone's turning up the country music, and hoping the audience will forget how some of the same conservatives who loudly ridicule government attempts to fix health care, or to rehab sex offenders, or heck to deliver first class mail -- gave that same government a blank check to rehab an entire foreign country. 

I was reading where some of the troops are are starting to worry that they'll be labeled "baby killers" as some Vietnam vets were.

No sir. Not by me anyway. 

You don't blame the soldiers for this. Wars are started by old men, and fought by the young, and you don't blame the young for that, you blame the decision-makers who set up their own intelligence apparatus -- despite the hugely expensive one we already had in place -- and you blame the cheerleaders, who shook the pom-poms for Iraq's liberated press then ignored what it was saying: It was saying, "we didn't like Saddam, but we don't like you either."

Well, I guess when the music is that loud -- you miss stuff like that.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GAS PRICES
Moved: 5/18/2004 7:37
CBS-GAS PRICES 5/18/2004
Gas prices up, and look who everybody blames! This is DR... sponsored by Coffee Mate.
President Bush is taking heat for rising gas prices, but this time, it's not just from Democrats.
Some of his friends in the refining business are upset too. They want him to quit topping off the National Petroleum reserve.
You see, each day, the government sends 170,000 barrels into the Louisiana salt caves, so that, in the event of a national emergency, we'll have a lot salty oil to fall back on. And according to the Washington Post, some of the President's friends in the industry say he ought to STOP those shipments, which would send a signal to the oil markets and cause prices to drop immediately.
As for the Democrats -- they go a step further: they want the President to start releasing some of that oil that's already there.
So there it is: conservatives and liberals united on the issue of cheap gas. Are they NUTS?
First of all, the Democrats: for years they've been whining about how using less gas is your moral duty and how cute little bunnies will die unless you drive less. They've searched in vain for a way to get commuters to wind surf to their jobs! And now, just when we have video of Hummer drivers paying a hundred buck to fill up, they complain! It doesn't make sense.

And as for Republicans... these are the guys who were gung-ho to take Iraq; who picked up JFK's call to bear any burden; pay any price.
You got your wish! Everything is going according to plan!
As for me, I know exactly what I'm going to do about higher gas prices. PAY THEM.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS RAMSEY
Moved: 5/13/2004 13:09
CBS-RAMSEY 5/13/04

The real picture. This is DR...

Ramsay Faroud is an American, working as a researcher for Al Jazeera's English service in Qatar. He joined the network, he says out of frustration with the American Media, and acknowledges that yes, Al Jazeera does tend to cover the angles NOT being covered in the West.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>ramsay faroud
Time: 13s
Title: ramsay faroud 1
Out-cue: ]

America, he says needs to hear the Arab argument -- that yes, they are angry over the execution of Nick Berg:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>ramsay faroud 2
Time: 12s
Title: ramsay faroud 2
Out-cue: ]

That's right -- the anger over the execution of Nick Berg is directed at us, Ramsay Faroud says, because moderate Arabs blame us for giving the terrorists credibility! We can't catch a break no matter what we do! And it's not just the pictures from Abu Ghraib, but the pictures of the Iraqi casualties in Fallujah, and Karbala. All of which allow the terrorists to make the following argument:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>ramsay faroud 5
Time: 10s
Title: ramsay faroud 5
Out-cue: right in the first place]

Ramsay Faroud, an American who four months ago joined the English language service of Al Jazeera.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MICHAEL BERG
Moved: 5/13/2004 13:09
CBS-MICHAEL BERG 5/13/04

Do we ignore him? This is DR...

Nicholas Berg's father Michael is not keeping to the script.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>michael berg 2
Time: 1s
Title: michael berg 2
Out-cue: ]

For some people, the execution of his son Nick was further proof that despite the pictures of prisoner abuse, we are certainly better than al Qaeda. Lindy England, who became famous as the smiling thumbs-up woman with the cigarette, certainly thinks so.

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS-163 PRISONERS ENGLAND
Time: 13s
Title: CBS-163 PRISONERS ENGLAND
Out-cue: that's okay?]

But Michael Berg has challenged the idea that that we really ARE any better:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>michael berg 3
Time: 8s
Title: michael berg 3
Out-cue: ]

Perhaps his bitterness stems from his "anti-War Attitude" as I heard it described on the news -- but how do you ignore it?

Most of us would never compare US to THEM, because at least WE have rules... but how do you dismiss what Michael Berg says?

I've noticed a gradual change in the source of the anti-war e-mails and calls I get.

It used to be that opposition came only from classic liberals -- the types who tend to march in demonstrations and chant "hey hey ho ho, something something's got to go."

But now, I get more from military families. I hear more from veterans. I hear more from conservatives. People who don't tend to chant in the streets, but who, like Michael Berg, are beginning to wonder what, exactly, are we doing?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GOOD NEWS
Moved: 5/13/2004 13:09
CBS-GOOD NEWS 5/13/04
The consequences of good news. This is DR....
I got a letter this morning that begins, "Dear Dave: I have become more and more dismayed as you seem to be drifting more and more into the critical, negative media hype ... enclosed is a letter from one Iowa soldier... I would hope you could also give this positive side some thought..."
And enclosed was the letter -- which you may have seen, because similar ones are circulating on the Internet -- listing how many Iraqis now have clean drinking water, reliable electricity, new schools and good hospitals thanks to us.
I have no doubt it is all true.
If you go to the coalition web site, the lead story today is the Iraqi national football team's 3-1 upset victory over Saudi Arabia -- earning it a trip to the 2004 Olympic Summer games.
In fact, if you got all your news from the Coalition web site, you might think it was a pretty good idea to head to Iraq to help with the reconstruction.
I remember the week I was in Baghdad, I too wondered whether it was really necessary to follow the advice of our security guards to remain confined to the hotel. I'd seen that list of positive statistics many times, and I HAD talked to enough sympathetic Iraqis to think that surely an American shouldn't be afraid to walk the streets.
As it turns out, I was there the same week that Nicholas Berg disappeared.
So all I can say to those who feel the media rarely covers the good news in Iraq is ... you're absolutely right. There is lots of work in Iraq, it pays very well, the Royal Jordanian flight from Amman makes two trips to Baghdad each day -- and I believe there are seats available.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BEHEADING
Moved: 5/12/2004 11:00
CBS-BEHEADING 5/12/2004

Remind me why we're there again? This is DR...

It's like we suddenly woke up in a medieval world. But wait a second! That's where we are right now, isn't it!

An American executed for doing nothing more than looking for work in Iraq -- that's Nicholas Berg was doing. "Iraq is an attractive investment" says the official "Doing Business in Iraq" pamphlet.

"Telecommunications" is one of the most attractive sectors, it says, and Nicholas Berg's specialty was fixing antennas, so why shouldn't he go there looking for work?

We are trying so hard, sending in more troops, sending in more money, and eventually, we will have to send in more people like Nicholas Berg.

And yet for all our military might, all we can really do is provide Iraq with a clear choice.

Do you choose a system that summarily beheads the innocent, or do you choose a system that is willing to protect the rights of everyone, even the guilty, even to the point of punishing our own people when they violate those rights?

Do you choose a system that operates in secret and makes up its own rules, or a system where the rules are known to everyone, and enforced equally.

This is the choice we hope the world will see.

And for it to be a real choice, we have to keep living it out ourselves, no matter what happens. We have to keep setting the good example. And we have to scold countries that set a bad example.

I would only note that one of our staunchest allies, the country that's going to help us out with gas prices someday, the country ruled by a family called Saud -- they have confessions under torture, and they have the guy with the sword.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BAGGY PANTS
Moved: 5/7/2004 10:50
CBS-BAGGY PANTS 5/07/2004 
No more baggy pants. This is DR...
In Baton Rouge, a Louisiana legislative committee has now approved a bill that would ban baggy pants that expose underwear or buttocks. It wasn't even close at 4-1 -- for a bill that was aimed primarily at teenagers who've taken to dressing like slackers.
It was apparently not so most posterior exposure as the testimony about public hair sightings that pushed the committee over the edge.
The American Civil Liberties Union tried to argue that Louisiana cops have more important things to do, but nobody was buying that.
The only trouble is that I've discovered the same State of Louisiana is also right now considering another bill, Senate bill 259, to ban fatty and sugary food from school vending machines.
Now, people, if you think you have baggy pants now -- what do you think is going to happen when you ban candy bars and soda?
Pants will fall down, T-shirts will flop around, you might as well dress the kids in togas.
This is just confusing the kids. I say it's time to stop playing games, and have state legislatures just outright RAISE THE KIDS THEMSELVES.
Legislators have been elected fair and square, by the 30% of the electorate that turns out, anyway, they stand for solid faith-based community values - whereas parents? Half of them get divorced; their kids are boozing, taking drugs, having sex, eating candy bars... 
It's time to turn those little reprobates over to the state so that they'll wear clothes that fit, eat balanced diets, sit up straight and get a decent haircut.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS APOLOGY
Moved: 5/7/2004 10:50
CBS-APOLOGY 5/07/2004

Putting simulated kinky sex in perspective. This is DR...

The President has publicly apologized for the treatment of the Iraqi prisoners.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush 050604 SORRY FOR IRAQI ABUSE
Time: 8s
Out-cue: ][I told him I was sorry for the humiliation suffered by the Iraqi prisoners and their families]

Some listeners have pointed out the apology was actually delivered to King Abdullah of Jordan for some reason ... but let's not be picky. 

Because the President made his personal disgust crystal clear.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush 050604 THIS WAS A STAIN
Time: 6s
Out-cue: ][It's a stain on our country's honor and our country's reputation, I fully understand that.]

NO equivocation there. But there was SOME equivocation -- and it came from a surprising source.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>pat robertson 050604 NO BIG DEAL
Time: 5s
Out-cue: ][The only thing this has done is embarrass our friends somewhat, but they will quickly get over it...]

Pat Robertson, evangelical host of the 700 Club, who said that the pictures of simulated kinky sex should be put in perspective.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>pat robertson 050604 JUST STAGED DEFENDS SODOMY
Time: 19s
Out-cue: ][Now, is this appropriate? Of course not. But some of these photographs are staged, and one of the soldiers is a little girl from West Virginia who told her parents that I think I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and I think we have to be very careful before we just allow the screaming and crying to go on.]

Does he know that some of the pictures involved prisoners simulating gay sex acts? Gay GROUP sex acts?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>pat robertson 050604 THESE WERE RINGLEADERS
Time: 6s
Out-cue: ][These are probably the ringleaders of those who've been trying to rebel against this and to kill our forces.]

Oh, well then THAT's not so bad. As as long as they weren't forced to get married.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BLAME THE DEAD
Moved: 5/6/2004 8:02
CBS-BLAME THE DEAD 5/4/2004

Blaming the dead. This is DR...

You know the story of Pat Tillman, who gave up his NFL contract to fight in Afghanistan, and was killed last week.

For some reason... his death has proved an irresistible target for the anti-war side. Last week, there was an op-ed in the University of Massachusetts student newspaper calling Tillman, (QUOTE) "A GI Joe guy who got what was coming to him." (UNQUOTE)

Another anti war group, the independent media center in Portland posted the headline "Still another dumb killer, not a hero" on its web site.

Cartoonist Ted Rall portrayed Tillman as a "sap" who signed up only to kill Arabs, and became a "cog in a low-rent occupation Army that shot more innocent civilians than terrorists."
That cartoon drew 110 e-mails in 15 minutes, and was finally pulled from the MSNBC web site.
I even got an e-mail from an ex-military man who said...(QUOTE) No tears for him or anyone else that's "volunteered" to serve over there... people need to think about what they are signing up for...'

Now I understand that a lot of people are fed up with the hypocrisy. Because we all know that the media people and public officials who over and over proclaim Tillman a hero would never even CONSIDER following in his footsteps themselves.

So they're hypocrites. But why blame Pat Tillman? The hypocrisy isn't HIS fault.

Commentators can say what they want, of course... but what's the point of blaming Pat Tillman for dying? Especially since, in a war like this -- fought by a few, and paid for by even fewer -- the dead... are the ONLY ones who AREN'T hypocrites.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FRIENDS
Moved: 5/6/2004 8:02
CBS-FRIENDS 5/6/2004

No longer there for you. This is DR...

I didn't think it was possible, but this has become bigger than the arraignment of Michael Jackson.

Friends is ending. Of course in fact Friends is NOT ending. Friends is actually going into endless syndication. Friends is in fact only BEGINNING.

Never mind that, though -- all across the land there will be farewell parties, tears, distraught viewers giving their now-useless TVs to thrift shops.

But throughout this long farewell, one group has been overlooked. The one minority group in America that I can actually claim membership in. People who've never seen Friends.

We're real. We're people too. 

We live in your neighborhoods, work in your offices, even serve in the military. And all I can say is -- we were born this way. Because of some rare combination of genes, we tuned in once and thought the whole thing was silly.

A grown up Brady bunch always talking about sex, sex sex sex. We need something more realistic. Like ... Seinfeld. Where everyone's dysfunctional and insensitive -- the way life really is.

You can't avoid it of course. The majority culture has a way of imposing itself, so yes, we've heard of Ross and Rachel, but we didn't know who Chandler was until he made a guest shot on West Wing.

And when it's in newspapers, on radio, on the lips of everyone at the office -- we feel like strangers in own own land. People laughing about the "Joey Special," "We were on a break," "Science Boy" -- I just want to run back to the old country and be among my own people again.

Except THEY watch it too.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS HAMILL
Moved: 5/3/2004 7:48
CBS-HAMILL 5/03/2004

The bad guys lose one. This is DR.... Sponsored by Coffee Mate.

Thomas Hamill, the truck driver kidnapped April 9th, will soon be home in Macon, Mississippi.

He'd been locked in a brick hut north of Baghdad; heard the sound of an American patrol, forced open the door, waved his T-shirt and yelled "I'm an American." About the only circumstance I can think of in which you'd ever want to yell that phrase in Iraq.

So -- a new American hero is born.

But remember what the signs in the Green Zone say: "What have you done today for the Iraqi people?" And the Iraqi people are just not caught up in our hero worship.

One of the questions from the Arab press at the briefing today was whether Mr. Hamill was tortured the way Iraqi prisoners were tortured at Abu Ghraib. Answer -- No torture, in fact he wasn't even hungry because his captors had just fed him.

Of course they had ALSO threatened to kill him, which I would say qualifies as torture, but you get the point of the question ... that in the eyes of ordinary Arabs the American military is no better than the terrorists.

Which is a problem because we need ordinary Arabs to be willing to tell us where the bad guys are.

Iraq has a highly developed grapevine. There were ordinary people who knew where Hamill was. But no one talked. Because more and more, Iraqis are convinced we're there, NOT for them, but for oil.

And so Hamill's rescue was luck. That patrol wasn't patrolling for hostages. In line with their mission to improve the lives of the Iraqi people, they were patrolling... an oil pipeline.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQ SURVEY
Moved: 4/30/2004 7:47
CBS-IRAQ SURVEY 4/30/04

Thank you, and goodbye. This is DR...

There it is in the latest Gallup Poll, conducted BY Iraqis, OF Iraqis. A majority are saying thank you, and goodbye.

Not that they don't appreciate what we did. They do. 61% say getting rid of Saddam was worth the hardship. In the Kurdish areas, 97% think it was worth it.

But 71% now think of us as occupiers instead of liberators, and 57% want us gone TODAY. In Baghdad, it's 75%.

In the beginning we went in because there was an "imminent" threat. When we couldn't find the imminent threat, it became a "GATHERING" threat.

On the ground, we took Baghdad, but the looters almost immediately took it back - piece by piece.

And the gathering threat we were there to eliminate began gathering around our soldiers -- and not just gathering, it was shooting.

We captured Saddam, but by then terrorists were flocking in from out of town.

Here in America, we were hearing about how the Iraqi people deserved God's gift of freedom -- and yet, what most Iraqis seemed to want was God's gift of a flak jacket. But even our OWN troops had trouble getting those.

And now, one year since the "Mission Accomplished" speech, members of the disbanded Iraqi army -- you know, the guys we beat? -- are being invited BACK ... to liberate Fallujah ... from us!

As the President and many listeners have pointed out, Iraqis now have freedom of speech -- this very poll proves it. Under Saddam, a poll like this wouldn't have been possible -- and he wouldn't have paid attention anyway. 

The only question now is -- will we? Now this. 
Index 

CBS MICHAEL JACKSON
Moved: 4/30/2004 7:47
CBS-MICHAEL JACKSON 4/30/2004

Michael Jackson arraigned, earth stops rotating. This is DR...

I saw it with my own eyes. Michael Jackson arraigned. Well actually not Michael Jackson arraigned, since no cameras are allowed in the courtroom, but I did see Michael Jackson walking into the courthouse TO BE arraigned.

I saw it once. Then I saw it again. Then I saw it again. Then again.

Then my clock radio clicked on playing "I Got You Babe."

It's tatooed on my retina!

He walks in, under his umbrella, past a crowd of people who seemed far too happy, goes through the metal detector, gets frontally wanded, pirouettes, gets dorsally wanded, looks at the camera, puts his hand over the lens, and walks away.

Between replays of the walk, we saw more live shots of the happy crowd that was apparently operating on the theory that a happy crowd means you're innocent, interspersed with live shots of other cameras doing live shots.

Then -- the analysis -- where I learned that not only did Jackson put his hand in front of the pool camera, he actually touched the pool camera, which, we were informed, breaks an unwritten rule among pool cameramen which is "never touch the pool camera." You can do anything you want IN FRONT of the pool camera, but you NEVER touch the pool camera.

Which means that in addition to everything else, Michael Jackson is a POOL CAMERA toucher.

But if you take your pool camera and put it within reach of Michael Jackson, what do you expect? A RESPONSIBLE pool cameraman would THINK first.

When it all gets too much -- I just tell myself we're doing this for the good of the Iraqi people, and I feel better.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ENERGY SECRETS
Moved: 4/28/2004 7:50
CBS-ENERGY SECRETS

It's time once again to Fill in the Blanks. This is DR... 

The feature where even ordinary people like you can participate in today's commentary simply by filling in the ...BLANKS.

Today's subject -- "Energy policy." Here we go.

The Sierra Club does not like the Administration's ... ENERGY POLICY.

So it has joined a Supreme Court appeal to force the vice president to disclose who met with his ... ... ENERGY TASK FORCE.

Because the Sierra Club thinks the administration's energy policy was actually written by the ... ENERGY INDUSTRY.

Which would be a ... STUNNING REVELATION, that would ... SURPRISE THE PANTS OFF EVERYBODY.

However the Administration is refusing to disclose the names as a matter of... PRINCIPLE.

Because then they could never get any ... FRANK ADVICE. And they would be forced to make decisions without having ... SUFFICIENT INFORMATION. Which is something they would ... NEVER DO.

Right! In any case, the Administration says there's ... NOTHING TO HIDE HERE.

Because contrary to the conventional wisdom that the energy policy was written by the ... OIL INDUSTRY, it was actually written by the ... ENVIRONMENTAL DEFENSE FUND.

Yes. Except for the part about increased drilling for oil and natural gas, which was written by ... WHALES.

The important think for the American people to remember is that this nation's energy policy is not just about ... OIL.

And even if it was just about oil, that oil would only be used ... FOR THE GOOD OF THE IRAQI PEOPLE.

Right.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PATRIOT ACT
Moved: 4/27/2004 7:39
CBS-PATRIOT ACT 4/27/04

Flirting with trouble. This is DR... Sponsored by Coffee Mate.

Today there's yet another audio tape threatening terrorist attacks.

Here's the quote being carried on the wires today:
"The Jews, the Americans and crusaders in general will remain the targets of our coming attacks and this year, God willing, will be fiercer and harsher for them," etc etc. And the news dispatch then names the Islamist web site where you can listen to the audio for yourself. Although a knowledge of Arabic would be handy.

Now we hear about plenty of these tapes. The question is -- should the media outlets who QUOTE them be punished?

And I ask that because right now in an Idaho courtroom, a University of Idaho grad student named Sami Omar al-Hussayen is on trial for, among other things, posting various calls to jihad on his web sites. He also posted ANTI-jihad comments.
But that, along with his alleged money-raising for Islamic charities was enough to put him on trial for violating a part of the Patriot Act which prohibits providing "expert guidance or assistance" to terrorist groups.

Now, none of us wants to provide expert guidance or assistance to terrorist groups. But when we in the media come on the air, and describe the latest al Qaeda tape -- which happens to say that THIS is the year to attack Americans -- haven't WE just provided assistance to a terrorist group? Translating the tape, spreading its contents... 
How do we know that wasn't the wake up call for the sleeper cells?
Because I'm telling you, we don't want to have any part of that. We simply want to scare the hell out of our listeners -- nothing more.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS SAFER
Moved: 4/26/2004 7:18
CBS-SAFER 4/26/2004

Are we safer yet? This is DR... sponsored by Coffee Mate.

I just thought I'd pose the question again, because we now seem to be in a debate over John Kerry's MEDALS... and while I'm fascinated with the concept of whether he threw back medals or ribbons in 1971, and whether ribbons are in fact the same as medals, I don't see how any of this is going to prevent al Qaeda from blowing us up. Which I believe is the main problem facing the country -- right after the Michael Jackson indictment, of course.

We need to ask, for example, what the fighting in Fallujah is accomplishing. We've had the place surrounded for a month, one day we offer a cease fire, the next we threaten annihilation, but the other side is just not scared of us.

The stronger WE get, the more defiant THEY get.

Today I open the New York Times and what do I see? Calls to jihad, radicals swearing allegiance to Osama pledging to become his sword, and a report that hundreds of young men are answering this call to arms in the streets. Which streets? The streets of Fallujah, or Najaf? NO! The streets of towns like Crawley, Birmingham and Manchester. In Britain!

The article quotes a counterterrorism official as saying the Iraq war has been helping the militants to recruit Muslims in Britain. In fact, some British mosques display pictures of US soldiers fighting in Iraq as recruiting tools.. in BRITAIN!

Well, at least I see our new anti-missile system is still on track. Which means those radicals had better think twice before firing a ballistic missile at us. From Britain.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DRAFT 2
Moved: 4/21/2004 7:51
CBS-DRAFT 2 4/21/04
A Republican comes close to mentioning the "D" word. This is DR...
Republican Senator Chuck Hagel of Nebraska says that with the military stretched thin, the nation may need to explore other manpower options.
And speaking on the Today show, he didn't suggest an outright draft -- I want to emphasize that -- but he did say it's time to consider some kind of "mandatory service" for all citizens.
He, again, did NOT call for a DRAFT; in fact, the only call for an outright draft has come from the Democrats. Last year they introduced the Universal National Service Act of 2003 requiring that all young men AND women be drafted.
But what Senator Hagel DID say -- and I'm going to quote the Associated Press dispatch here REAL SLOW:
He says some kind of "mandatory service" should be considered for all citizens. But he stopped short of actually calling for resumption of the draft.
OK. 
So Senator Hagel is not actually suggesting a draft -- but does believe it's time for some kind of "mandatory service."
Mandatory service; service that is mandatory. "Mandatory" -- pertaining to a command; or order;
And then "service" -- which means performing duties, as in ... a waiter in a restaurant or ... the armed forces. 
So mandatory service could be... commanding people to perform duties in the armed forces.
....
But isn't that a lot like ... a draft?

Oh, wait a minute -- what am I talking about! He means commanding people to become ...waitpersons. That'll show those terrorists!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BIN LADEN
Moved: 4/21/2004 7:51
CBS-BIN LADEN 4/15/2004

I am so sick of these tapes. This is DR...

I am so sick of these tapes, I'm going to spend the next 90 seconds taunting Osama Bin Laden -- whose alleged voice appears on yet another tape, THIS time playing the statesman.

This time he offers a ``truce'' to European countries that do not attack Muslims; a truce to begin when European soldiers leave Islamic nations.

I'll give you this, mister: you have a rare talent. An ability to hide in an uncharted mountainous region with a Swiss cheese network of caves and sympathetic tribal clans. It's uncanny. But to offer a truce, you have to control something, and I don't think you do anymore.

I think you've unleashed a bunch of cells and you only PRETEND to control them.

So how about you prove you have something to bargain with.

Every day in Iraq, there are grenade attacks, rocket attacks, IED attacks ... at least one of them involving a seven year old who dropped a bomb from a bridge.

I know the idea is to get at Americans, but what it's REALLY doing is screwing over the Iraqis. Remember -- the Americans get to go HOME -- eventually -- but the Iraqis ARE home. They're stuck there.

So if you really mean what you say, let's see you stop those attacks. The Muslim cleric who arranged the release of the Japanese hostages -- now THERE's a guy who can deliver. Can you do that?

NO, I don't think you can! You can barely afford a decent tape recorder.

So until you produce something, I think you know where you can stick your tapes... and remember something else -- as CIA Director Tenet told the 9/11 commission, we're making changes, and we'll be ready for you. In... five years.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS STANDING FIRM
Moved: 4/19/2004 7:40
CBS-STANDING FIRM 4/19/2004
Standing firm. This is DR....
Paul Bremer has made it official -- the military will be staying. Which means there is officially no exit strategy. The President, the vice president, even the Democratic challenger -- all of them will be ... Standing Firm. It's the Viagra school of foreign policy.
And yet, something about this liberation still doesn't sit right. I can't put my finger on it, but I think it may be the HATRED. A Vietnam vet pointed out to me that as bad as Vietnam was, at least the soldiers could walk the streets of Saigon. Not in Baghdad... or any other Iraqi city.
There IS good news from Fallujah today of a possible negotiated settlement ...
But we need something a little more permanent. So, how about this: It would be kind of sneaky, but... you know how we plan to turn control of Iraq over to this Independent "Entity" June 30th?
Well suppose, just SUPPOSE... that we actually DO it. Actually do what we say. I told you it would be sneaky, but suppose we actually turn the government over to an "entity" that is so independent that it instantly issues a proclamation THANKING the U-S for un-horsing Saddam, and then inviting us ... to leave? They might even dust off the old "Mission Accomplished" banner.
And then WE would do something equally bold and brave, and accept. Oh, we would reassure them that if there's ANYTHING we can do for the Iraqi people, ANYTHING AT ALL, we'll be back in a heartbeat -- but we would be saying this over our shoulders as the troops stream into the transport planes for the flight home.
Now this. 
Index 

BAGHDAD SCRIPTS
Moved: 4/15/2004 7:14
CBS MONDAY BAGHDAD 04/05/04

Welcome to Baghdad. This is DR...

I've talked so much about Iraq in the past year, figured I ought to at least 
come here and see it for myself. So here I am, at the CBS Bureau in the Al 
Mansour hotel, overlooking the banks of the Tigris.

I wanted to get a sense of whether we belong here. One of the security 
people here made it clear I'm way too Americanlooking to just wander around 
alone doing interviews, so I'm not sure how many ordinary Iraqis I'll get to 
talk to I'll get to talk to.

But here's what I've learned so far: the plane from Jordan doesn't glide 
gently in; the pilot goes into this corkscrew approach, and five minutes 
later, you're on the ground.

On the road from the airport, you're flanked by barbed wire, gun 
emplacements, and tanks; the three lane highway funnels to one lane for the 
checkpoints, which can back traffic up for miles; on some streets the 
blowing garbage tries to race you; while other streets are lined with shops, 
selling furniture and appliances from the sidewalk, the air smells like 
diesel and sounds like the home team just won a football game, the traffic 
lights are still dark, the black helicopters cruise down he river in pairs, 
and at night you can hear these distant booms that have nothing to do with 
the weather.

What I'm trying to tell you is, once you get here, you realize that whether 
we belong here is irrelevant. Clearly I don't, 'cause if I did I'd be 
wandering the streets with my mini disk. But here we are,and change is 
going to happen. The history books will record that America came, we 
occupied, and we promised something better. We get one chance to write the 
ending.

Now this.

CBSTUESDAY 040604

In Iraq, optimism is under attack too. This is DR on the CS Radio Network, 
this week from Baghdad.

Even with the fighting of the past few days, you CAN find optimistic 
Americans here in Iraq.

Like Brigadier General Mark Kimmitt:

[TAPE: "Baghdad is ready for businesses to come in; there are still some 
security concerns, but as you drive around the streets of this city, you'll 
see that a majority of this city is safe and secure."]

Well maybe, but Americans don't drive around this city unless they have a 
security service. Bad news for the Iraqi Business Center at coalition 
headquarters  which has computers and fax machines, but few businessmen to 
use them. No matter. John Daiza, an IraqiAmerican from San Diego, set up 
that business center to fulfill a promise to his late father  a millionaire 
who fled Iraq when Saddam started confiscating property.

['Basically if Iraq were ever free again to perhaps come back and do what 
ever I can to contribute and help out."]

He organized the Destination Baghdad Expo, and had 1500 people ready to 
attend, when the violence forced him to postpone.

But Daiza is unbowed. He has an appeal to other Iraqi refugees:

["Come and help us, come rebuild this great country, if not just for profit, 
I think spiritualy you will be very fulfilled."]

Or as General Kimmitt put it:

["Economy's going to bring better security, security is going to bring 
better economy, so it's a vicious circle."]

The Good kind of vicious circle, I think he means.

Now this.

CBSWEDNESDAY 4/07/04

Please don't call it freedom. This is DR, this week from Baghdad.

I am not NEARLY as cynical as your average media person.

I tend to believe what my leaders say unless I know otherwise. Even if they 
say something that sounds OBVIOUSLY stupid  I tend to think, well, they 
MUST have better information than I do.

But being on an allexpensespaid trip to Baghdad can ... change one's 
asumptions.

Like when I heard Donald Rumsfeld say this:

TAPE: [We're gonna have good days and bad days, but the men and women who 
are serving our country, and helping to defend freedom, and who are helping 
to liberate 25 million people in Afghanistan and 25 people in Iraq deserve 
our praise...]

Of course they do. But he doesn't need to sell Americans on respect for the 
armed forces. It's people HERE he needs to sell. And when they hear his 
choice of words....

TAPE: [...and helping to defend freedom and who have liberated...]

They think ... wait a minute. Are you saying this is liberation? Are you 
saying this is freedom? We're afraid to go out, the roadblocks keep us from 
our jobs, We're hearing gunfire every night... how is this better than 
Saddam?

And then ... the President talks to them:

TAPE: [But they've been tortured and terrorized and traumatized by a 
tyrant, and it's going to take them awile to understand what freedom is all 
about.]

Well Mr. President, maybe THEY don't understand what freedom is all about, 
but I think I do. And I beg you  as I sit here in Baghdad one year into 
the liberation  please tell me this isn't it.

Now this.

CBSTHURSDAY 040804 LONGER KIRO VERSION

Being Don Rumsfeld. This is DR... this week from Baghdad.

I've come to believe that to really understand what's going on here in Iraq, 
you have to ask someone back in Washington. Because they have the accurate 
information back there.

The first thing you have to understand is that regardless of the stories you 
see in the liberal media, or the smoke you see rising across the Tigris, 
everything is going according to plan. For example, :

TAPE:

They KNEW that back in Washington. Part of the plan. Something else they 
know in Washington is that they don't need more soldiers here. Now, some of 
the soldiers seem to think they're going to have to stay longer than they 
thought. But in fact, something very different is happening:

TAPE:

You're not so much on duty, as seeing the current situation through. In 
fact I bet you guys have become pretty at seeing through things.

As for bring an end to the violence, that is up to the Iraqi people.

TAPE:

I can tell you that this week, Mr Secretary, many of the Iraqi people are 
standing at home. Because it's too dangerous to go out.

But for those who DO go out, like the Iraqi police, the officials Washington 
have looked at the figures, and find cause for hope:

TAPE:

The high casulaties are an indication of a job well done. Ineed if there's 
any blame for what's happening, it points in one direction, Iran:

TAPE:...any neighboring country.

However, being dominated by countries several thousand miles away, that the 
Iraqi people truly love.

Now this.

CBSTHURSDAY SHORT 040804

Being Don Rumsfeld. This is DR... this week from Baghdad.

I've come to believe that to really understand what's going on here in Iraq, 
you have to ask someone back in Washington. Because they have the accurate 
information. For example, some of the soldiers seem to think they're going 
to have to serve longer than they thought. But in fact, something very 
different is happening:

TAPE: ["We will likely be managing the pace of the redeployments to allow 
those seasoned troop with experience and relationships with the local 
populations to see the current situation through."]

You're not so much on duty, as seeing the current situation through. In 
fact I bet you guys have become pretty at seeing through things.

As for bringing an end to the violence, well, like I say there's a plan, and 
it's going well, but it's up to the Iraqi people to follow the plan.

TAPE: ["The Iraqi people have to decide where they stand; where they are. 
This is their country...']

I can tell you that this week, Mr Secretary, many of the Iraqi people are 
standing at home. Because it's too dangerous to go out. Probably because 
there is one country that's NOT following the plan, and that's Iran 
(iRAHN):

TAPE:...["Well we know the Iranians have been meddling, and its unhelpful to 
have neghboring countries meddling in the affairs of Iraq, and I think the 
Iraqi people are not going to want to be dominated by a neighboring country 
 any neighboring country."]

However, being dominated by countries several thousand miles away, that the 
Iraqi people truly love.

Now this.

CBSONE YEAR AGO 040904 FRIDAY

One year ago. This is DR... this week in Baghdad.

One year ago, in Doha, I asked General Vince Brooks:

TAPE: (From April 9, 2003): "The dancing in the streets that we've seen.. 
is it because they love you or they fear you? GEN VINCE BROOKS: "It's 
about the regime. What you're seeing is a recognition that regime is gone 
and will not return again. It also tells us that we have more work to do."

Well he got that part right.

Today, I'm here at the CBS Bureau under lockdown. Security advises that it 
isn't safe for AMericans to go anywhere today.

These are special ops veterans with nicknames like Smudge and Spike, so I 
believe them.

But it turns out you don't have to go outside to get Iraqi public opinion. 
Just ask the Iraqis guarding the entrance. A year after we liberated them, 
they see no difference between Saddam and George Bush:

TAPE: "Saddam now will stay in America, have cigar and drink whiskey. 
DAVE: What kind of cigars? GUARD: Cuban cigars. Havana. Romeo and 
Juliet.']

And these are friendly people  heck they took jobs protecting US!

But they see America as all talk. Full of promises, short on results. 
They're not impressed by the statistics on electricity and the water supply. 
Instead they see bombed and vandalized government buildings untoched since 
the war, and an occupier who plans to milk them dry:

TAPE:... ["It was about the oil. DAVE: But it was about the Wespons of 
Mass Destruction. OFF MIKE: Where are these weapons?"]

Well I have to admit, you got me there.

Now this.

CBSSATURDAY  ONE YEAR LATER 041004

What have you done today for the Iraqi people? This is Dave Ross... this 
week from Baghdad.

At various intersections in the Green Zone, you'll see white signs with blue 
letters reading, "What have you done today for the Iraqi people?"

It's a reminder that this is the mission: to help the Iraqi people.

And I think the men and women inside those walls take the challenge 
seriously. Esepcially people like Dr. Glen Pofenbarger  a nerosurgeon at 
the Combat Support Hospital. He treats Iraqi children as well as US troops:

TAPE: ["Civilians that have urgent life limb or eyesight type injuries come 
here as well. You look at a little one year old childd... they're innocent 
civtims of what's going on here. But being able to help them is one of the 
best things here."]

But of course those injured children are often injured during battles blamed 
on the Americans.

A fact which dampens feelings of appreciation.

The desire to help is real, but the facts on the ground are that the Green 
Zone is completely isolated from the rest of the city. And Green Zone is a 
misnomer, by the way. The name implies, "Safe". But what it means here is 
"Bull's Eye."
It's a Mortar Magnet. This week we've heard them come thudding down every 
day.

Soon your heart learns to speed up every time a door slams.

Strange that Americans should have anything to fear from people we're trying 
to help. But that's the way it is.

It takes more to rescue a nation that simply changing the face on the 
official portrait.

What have you done today for the Iraqi people?

The Iraqis I've met will tell you in a heartbeat the answer THEY'RE hoping 
for:

Go home.

Now this. 
Index 

KIMMITT.CBS 04/13/04 9:13
Moved: 4/15/2004 6:17
KIMMITT.CBS 04/13/04 9:13 AMDLR 1:24
Changing the channel. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network, back home now after a week in Baghdad.
I see that General Kimmitt got off a pretty good quote the other day.
Asked by an Iraqi journalist to explain the pictures of large numbers of civilian casualties in Falluja, he said, "my advice to you is change the channel. ... The stations that are showing Americans killing women and children are not legitimate channels."
What he's saying is that Arab media outlets have never appreciated the difference between intentional civilian casualties which are bad, and UNINTENTIONAL civilian casualties, which are not so bad.
Therefore, better for the Iraqis to watch legitimate American channels where the images are properly blurred out, and where any reports of civilian casualties are always accompanied by expressions of official regret.
The General's comments may have been nothing more than a flash of impatience toward the Iraqi journalists who are always asking hostile questions. But it may also indicate that that US authorities have finally decided to place the blame for the problems in Iraq where it belongs. Arab reporters.
What do they know about that part of the world?
I mean, we've done our part. We got rid of a dictator, we hand picked the right Iraqi leaders, we use precision weapons designed to kill only bad people  and all we get for our trouble is lousy press.
What Iraq needs is a responsible media to explain to the Iraqi people that whether they realize it or not, we're making their lives better, and if they don't like it, they should at least stay out of the way of our precision weapons while we do it.
Now this.
~C:\works\files\KIMMITT.CBS 
Index 

CBS BUSH SPEECH
Moved: 4/15/2004 5:40
CBS-BUSH SPEECH 4/14/2004

Freedom wasn't easy for us either. This is DR...

The President pointed out last night that despite the bad news from Iraq, you have to remember our own history:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush 041304 FREEDOM NOT EASY EVEN FOR US
Time: 5s
Out-cue: ]

And the President is right. Freedom wasn't easy for us.

The first national election in America didn't take place until a year and a half after the Constitution was written. The Constitution itself took four years from the time the war ended.

And the war itself -- took six years from the first shot until the Americans and the French finally surrounded Lord Cornwallis at Yorktown. It involved all the things we see in the present war in Iraq. There were ambushes. Raids. Terrorism. Collateral damage. 

But the overarching theme of the American Revolution, the story line that every school child is taught, is that it began when a rag tag army of Minutemen went up against the well-equipped and highly-disciplined British Redcoats.

And therein lies the danger in this comparison.

In the current fighting in Iraq, who are the Minutemen, and who are the Redcoats?

The British wanted to hang on to America for her wealth, but the colonists saw themselves being sucked dry, and rebelled. They were poorly trained, but they made up for it by using guerilla tactics. And they had the commitment that comes when you're fighting for your home and your honor.

All I'm asking is -- let's not become the Redcoats, OK?

I will say there is ONE reassuring thing about the analogy: 229 years later, we and the British are best of friends.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS TAX CHEATERS
Moved: 4/1/2004 8:47
CBS-TAX CHEATERS 3/31/04

Tax evasion? Now way. This is DR...

A new report concludes that tax evasion is growing, but the Internal Revenue Service cannot reverse the trend because it doesn't have the staff.

The IRS Oversight Board -- which is an independent board made up of accounting and tax experts -- estimated that the I.R.S. will actually have fewer employees in 2005 than in 2002 despite growing numbers of taxpayers, and despite research showing that growing numbers of Americans "believe it is acceptable to cheat on their taxes." 
The I.R.S. commissioner disagrees, saying tax audits are up, but the fact remains the IRS just hasn't been hiring additional staff.
Hmm. Well, maybe there's a good explanation.

Because what is tax "evasion, " after all?

Tax "evasion" is when you KNOW what the law SAYS you should pay, but you just DISAGREE. So you deliberately fabricate deductions or under-report your income so as to pay the correct amount.

What we stereotype as "tax evasion" is actually loyal Americans RISKING prosecution to send a message that they still think taxes are too high.

And when enough Americans believe that their taxes are too high, there's only one thing to do.

MORE TAX CUTS.

I mean, there have been suggestions to hire something like 30,000 more auditors, collectors and other tax law enforcers, on the grounds that it's unfair to let tax evaders get away with it.
But why?
For the past few years Congress has made it clear that you can spend whatever you want regardless of how much tax you collect... 

Tax evaders are simply pursing the same policy... on a more individual level.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GAS
Moved: 4/1/2004 8:47
CBS-GAS 4/01/04
Gas pains. This is DR...
The price of gas keeps going up, past two dollars a gallon in some places, so high that even Democrats are trying to figure ways to make it stop.
You'd think Democrats would WANT two-dollar gas. Two-dollar gas means a Hummer driver pays $64 to tank up. I mean .. that's fun to watch.
But now, John Kerry is looking for ways to reduce gas prices, and one Florida lawmaker even proposed cutting the state gas tax ten cents to give drivers a break.
Only the Republicans seem ready to let market forces run their course -- perhaps because they know that all the cheap gas from Iraq will be flowing any day now.
Well, I don't pretend to know who's right, but I sure know who's wrong, and the idea of cutting gas taxes ...
Let's think about this. OPEC charges more for oil, which raises the price of gas, so we respond by cutting the gas tax. Gas taxes go to build roads. So we basically take money out of American road programs, so we can hand it over to some wahabbi prince in Saudi Arabia so HE can buy "I hate America" curriculum materials for his favorite madrassas.
Are we nuts?
If the price of gas bugs you that much, here are the facts:
When adjusted for inflation, the peak gas price actually occurred not yesterday, not last week, not last month, but in 1981, when it hit an inflation-adjusted peak of $2.94. 

Gas is a bargain! And consider this - even if it breaks $3, gas is STILL a bargain, because the taxes don't include the cost of defending it. Your KIDS get to pay for that. 
Now this. 
Index 

CBS FALLUJAH
Moved: 4/1/2004 8:47
CBS-FALLUJAH 4/01/04

Mogadishu rules. This is DR...

The pictures of what happened to those Americans in Fallujah were blurred out on the evening news, but we know what's going on.

The rebels in Fallujah are hoping for Mogadishu II. They want a remake of Blackhawk Down. They want to drag bodies through the streets, draw Americans into an ambush, force the networks to show still more blurred-out battle footage, and then see us turn the tanks around and leave.

The military is determined to rewrite that ending. They say the response may not come right away, but when it does come, it will be overwhelming. Shock and Awe II.

It sounds as if the Battle for Iraq is about to begin again.

You sometimes wonder how previous generations got sucked into long wars that seemed so obviously unnecessary.

Wonder no more. You have to fix Iraq. You don't fix Iraq, you have another Afghanistan -- and then even George Bush can't argue that we're safer. To fix it, you need to bring in private business. Because Iraq needs 60 billion dollars worth of fixing, and Congress has only provided 18.4 billion.

But no private business goes into Iraq without security. 

The Americans ambushed in Fallujah... worked for a security company. And they were ambushed not far from a base manned by 4,000 Marines who could do exactly nothing. That's not merely embarrassing, it's humiliating. And if it spreads, it's catastrophic.

The networks can blur the pictures all they want -- but you can feel the undertow.

No matter how much we want to get out now, NO President can afford to.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS RICE
Moved: 3/31/2004 8:34
CBS-RICE 3/31/2004

Insufficient attention. This is DR...

We're already seeing some of the questions the 9/11 commissioners plan to ask when Condoleezza Rice testifies for the first time publicly and under oath.

And they strike me as pretty easy, especially this one: was there insufficient attention paid to terrorism in the months before the attacks?

I think my dog could answer that one, if I had a dog.

I think by definition, when a terrorist attack succeeds, there was insufficient attention!

The issue is not WHETHER there was insufficient attention, but WHY -- so that it doesn't happen again.

The elephant in the room here -- and I do not refer to the animal in the partisan sense -- is whether the reason for the insufficient attention was the President's alleged Iraq fixation.

There have been some inconsistent statements on that score. 

However, I AM confident that at least TWO members of the administration will be on the same page.

Because when the President and Vice President appear before the commission, they will appear together. I quote from the agreement: "The President and the Vice President have agreed to one joint private session with all ten comissioners, with ONE commission staff member present to take notes of the session."

In other words: they appear together; no oath; no transcript.

You know, sometimes I'll be watching Congress on C-SPAN, and even when it's late at night and the chamber is empty, there'll be a secretary at a keyboard taking down every syllable of THE most inconsequential blather.

But I guess SOME testimony is just SO important, we have to leave as many opportunities for INACCURACY as possible.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GAS
Moved: 3/30/2004 8:34
CBS-GAS 3/30/2004

It's the issue we all agree on. This is DR...

Condoleezza Rice is now free to testify publicly under oath, but I have a feeling the ratings for sworn Congressional testimony may have peaked. Another issue is taking over -- one that has lurked in the background for a long time.

You see, Americans have come to believe than when an official of any stature denies something, that proves it's true.

So a year ago, when we heard this:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>rumsfeld1
Time: 3s
Out-cue: ]["It has nothing to do with oil. Literally nothing to do with oil"]

We knew immediately it had everything to do with oil.

Because whatever we may have thought about the war, somewhere in our collective subconscious there was this idea that even if getting Saddam DIDN'T stop terrorism, it would at LEAST make gas cheaper.

Americans may be all over the map on the war issue, but one look in the rear view mirror, and you know we're pretty much unanimous on the gas issue -- we want it cheap. We've got a lot of metal to move down the road.

And so today, we see candidate John Kerry with a new energy policy. And it's about... cheap gas.

Long-term he has a plan for alternative fuels, of course, but SHORT term, he wants to stop filling the national petroleum reserve. That's the reserve we keep in case of national emergency. Which I guess is now defined as when the price of US gas approaches a THIRD of what Europeans pay!

AND, he will pressure OPEC to cut prices. By telling them... "deep down, you know you love us??"

Yes, Democrats and Republicans may differ on many things, but they agree on one thing: it has everything to do with oil.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CONDOLEEZZA
Moved: 3/30/2004 8:34
CBS-CONDOLEEZZA 3/29/2004

He said she said. This is DR...

The Bush administration's attempt to make the Richard Clarke story go away has guaranteed one thing: That it won't go away. Because now that it's gotten away from the actual issue and turned into a spittin' match it's gotten INTERESTING.

Richard Clarke, who has accused the President of a tepid approach to terrorism pre-9/11, has challenged the sitting national security adviser, Condoleezza Rice, to testify publicly under oath.

And she would like nothing better, she says, but she cannot, because it might inhibit her ability to give frank advice to the President -- this after she's been on every network except the Food Channel.

But wait a minute -- at least two members of Congress want to de-classify Richard Clarke's private testimony, which involves HIS advice to the President... what's the difference? Especially since despite all this frank advice flying around, we got sucker-punched anyway.

And one more thing. 

As I recall, we basically abandoned the whole concept of confidentiality in the last administration.

We had a sitting president who testified three different times under oath -- including a session that instantly coined a new definition of "is," when it was broadcast.

The guy in the dock in 1998 was not a merely sitting national security adviser, or some other second-tier bureaucratic potentate-- this was the sitting President of the United States, who was expected to testify about a matter of the libido.

Whatever Dr. Rice ends up saying under oath, it couldn't possibly compromise the office of the President anymore than that did -- right?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DAVE IN BAGHDAD
Moved: 3/26/2004 8:59
CBS-DAVE IN BAGHDAD 03/26/2004

Life on the Tigris. This is DR...

In April, I'll be heading to Baghdad for a week of broadcasts, just to see for myself what life in the Tigris is like one year after the end of the war. And the immediate reaction of most people is YIKES! Isn't that dangerous?

Well first of all, it's a trip that thousands of Americans have made under far more dangerous circumstances...

But second -- when you go to the web site of the Coalition Provisional Authority, things look pretty normal. I quote from a CPA brochure titled "Doing business in Iraq:"

"Iraq is a uniquely attractive place for business in the Middle East," it says. Iraq's blend of hardworking, resourceful people, rich agricultural potential, abundant natural resources, and a central middle east location make it ideally suited for investment opportunities."

You can't quarrel with that central location.

Among the most attractive sectors, construction and construction materials, electricity, water treatment, health care, and, of course, oil infrastructure.

"The best opportunities will be available to those who come early," the brochure says, "... those who wait will be left behind."

The brochure DOES have this travel tip if you decide to go by car from Jordan: "travelers should plan to carry extra water, food, and fuel to avoid unnecessary stops." Apparently there are, shall we say, armed economic opportunists along the land route.

But it just opens up another market niche! The brochure lists 19 security firms, with names like, Armor Group, Diligence Middle East, and Custer Battles.

I'll be flying in, myself.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FETUS BILL
Moved: 3/26/2004 8:58
CBS-FETUS BILL

Laci and Conner's law. This is DR...

Congress has given final passage to a bill designed to make something that's already illegal, even MORE illegal. Laci and Conner's law -- a reaction to the murder of Laci Peterson, who was pregnant at the time -- says if you commit a violent federal crime against a pregnant woman, any harm to the fetus is a separate crime.

The abortion rights people are worried that this chips away at a woman's right to choose.

But let's read the bill. That can sometimes be helpful.

Subsection (d) "... the term 'unborn child' ... means a member of the species homo sapiens, at any stage of development, who is carried in the womb."

Pretty clear. An unborn child is human being from the moment of implantation.

But then you look at subsection (c) -- and IT says: "Nothing in this section shall be construed to permit the prosecution of any person for conduct relating to an abortion for which the consent of the pregnant woman... has been obtained."

Now THAT's interesting...

In one subsection, the law says an unborn child is a human being, and in the subsection RIGHT NEXT DOOR, it says the pregnant woman is free to abort that human being.

So while this may be the first federal law defining a fetus as a human being, it also specifically lets the woman end the life of that human being!

In other words, under this law, no matter what you call the fetus, the choice about what do with it rests with the WOMAN. 

I keep hearing the religious right wanted this... I just can't figure out why.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PLEDGE
Moved: 3/25/2004 8:37
CBS-PLEDGE 03/24/04

One nation, indivisible. This is DR....

The Supreme Court heard arguments yesterday on whether it is constitutional for the words "under God" to remain in the pledge.

Now personally, I have no problem with the pledge. As long as it raises test scores.

But Michael Newdow, arguing on behalf of his daughter, who doesn't live with him and apparently LOVES the pledge, says the words are divisive. When the chief justice pointed out to him that the vote in Congress to add the words was UNANIMOUS, Newdow replied, "That's only because no atheist can get elected to public office." Prompting some members of the audience to break into applause, prompting Justice Rehnquist to threaten to kick them out.

Demonstrating that there's nothing more divisive ... than calling the pledge divisive.

And that's the problem. Never mind "under God" -- look at the word "Indivisible!" 

The pledge has divided liberals and conservatives for years. So it's time to just give each side its OWN pledge.

The liberal pledge: 

"I pledge allegiance, to the flag, which is bought and paid for by Halliburton. And as for the republic, for which it stands, it's comin' to get me, because it's run by Ashcroft, who wouldn't know liberty, OR justice, if it bit him."

You could put some stuff in there about outsourcing too.

And then you'd have the conservative pledge:

"...And to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, HETEROSEXUAL, patriotic, happy we got Saddam, with liberty and justice... for everybody whose papers are in order. Amen, Alleluia."

And each side can send their kids to little... liberal and conservative madrassas.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS 911 COMMISSION 2
Moved: 3/24/2004 8:46
CBS-911 COMMISSION-2 03/2404

Nothing could have been done. This is DR...

So far, the bottom line of the 9/11 commission hearings is that everyone did their job, everyone was vigilant, and everyone did the best they could with the information they had.

Yes, the CIA warnings that summer would have set your hair on fire, but incendiary though they may have been, they left out three small details: WHAT, WHERE, and WHEN.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>rumsfeld 032304 NO WARNING OF ATTACKS
Time: 14s
Out-cue: ]

At least we knew WHO. But the Secretary of Defense went on to say there was no effective way to get them, because they move too fast. Apparently they're harder to find than Dick Cheney is on some days.

So we have more dead terrorists, we have better sharing of information between the CIA and the FBI, but we still have the same potential threat, because new terrorists are being spawned every day by madrassas that teach young students of Islam to hate us.

Oh, and we have one more thing:

If you call up the US Embassy in Dubai today, which is closed due to a terrorist threat, you'll get this recording:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS097 EMBASSY THREAT
Time: 14s
Title: CBS097 EMBASSY THREAT
Out-cue: EXPLOSIVE DEVICES]

Wait! Which is it? Where will it be? When will it be? However, you don't have to tell me who. That I know.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CLARKE CRITICISM
Moved: 3/23/2004 9:18
CBS-CLARKE CRITICISM 03/23/04

All this incompetence! This is DR...

I have to tell you, it's amazing how ex-administration officials who write critical books suddenly turn out to be completely incompetent. Richard Clarke, former counterterrorism director, writes his book saying the President had his eye on Saddam from the outset, and suddenly Clarke just doesn't know what he's talking about.

The Vice President says Clarke was "out of the loop" on this one.

Interesting that the White House would keep its own director of counter terrorism "out of the loop" on ... terrorism...

Hmm.

In any case, my favorite quote was the unnamed administration official who called the whole flap over Richard Clarke's book: "Dick Clarke's American grandstand" -- a clever pun on the old Rock 'n Roll dance show hosted by America's oldest living teenager, Dick Clark, NO "E".

Unless... you know, maybe that's it! Maybe that's why Bush wouldn't meet with Clarke about counter terrorism. Bush gets into the oval office, looks at the staff roster, sees "Dick Clarke, counter-terrorism," and he says to himself -- what does a DJ know about terrorism? Especially when he didn't realize how important Iraq was to America's safety. I mean if you have a DJ in charge of terrorism, he ought to at least be able to come up with a policy that has a beat and you can dance to.

And come to think of it -- maybe that's why he fired Paul O'Neill, as treasury secretary. I mean ... what does a Yankee right-fielder batting .267 know about money?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CLARKE
Moved: 3/22/2004 9:03
CBS-CLARKE 3/22/04

He says the President ignored the warnings. This is DR...

Richard Clarke, former counter-terrorism official who served President Reagan, the first Bush Administration, the Clinton White House and the the current Bush White House, says George W Bush ignored the threat from Al Qaeda for months.

And he went on to tell 60 minutes that when the attack finally DID come, the President was preoccupied with finding evidence linking it to Iraq:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>richard clarke 032104 LIKE INVADING MEXICO
Time: 14s
Out-cue: ]

Today Administration officials are defending the President; Condoleezza Rice saying she's flabbergasted by the charge; that if Richard Clarke disagreed with the policy he never said so; that the President is determined to bring the fight to the terrorists.

But Clarke says that in the process, he's only creating more OF them:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>richard clarke 032104 WE HELPED AL QAEDA RECRUIT (SHORT)
Time: 15s
Title: richard clarke 032104 WE HELPED AL QAEDA RECRUIT (SHORT)
Out-cue: ]

Doesn't this drive you NUTS? How do you know who's right?

I just hope we can get assurances from both major candidates that IF we get attacked again, we're going to strike back against a related country.

Although -- if we DID just go ahead and attack Mexico, maybe we could take some of those manufacturing jobs back.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DRAFT
Moved: 3/19/2004 8:56
CBS-DRAFT 3/17/2004

Could there be a draft? This is DR.

You may have heard that the Selective Service has plans for a special skills draft of medical workers. Personally, I see no way Congress would EVER allow it, but Richard Flahavan of the Selective Service system say the law requires plans for drafting people with medical skills between the ages of 18-45. Just in case:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>flahavan 1
Time: 7s
Title: flahavan 1
Out-cue: ]

Not that it would ever be used. But, just in case you're a doctor or a nurse you might be interested to know that if it WERE used, you'd have TWO weeks to register:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>flahavan 3
Time: 7s
Title: Order to register would go out
Out-cue: ]

And then investigators would check to make SURE the people with the required skills indeed DID register:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>flahavan 5
Time: 6s
Title: FOLLOW UPS
Out-cue: ]

Again not that it would ever come to that, because it is a plan ONLY:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>flahavan 7
Time: 5s
Title: Draft Not Easy
Out-cue: ]

But again if the President DID call for a special skills health care draft, there IS another interesting part of the plan:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>flahavan 10
Time: 9s
Title: Must include women
Out-cue: ]

You would have to draft women. Close call. For a moment I thought they might have to draft gay men. Clearly, we will NEVER be that desperate.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ONE YEAR LATER
Moved: 3/19/2004 8:53
CBS-ONE YEAR LATER

One year later. This is DR...

It's the one year anniversary of the war, and the news today is that elements of al Qaeda are cornered in Pakistan, by the Pakistani army.

Also today in the East Room, the President addresses representatives of 84 nations, saying their disagreements are in the past, that the civilized nations of the world must be united in opposition to terrorists who celebrate death.

In other words, let bygones be bygones, we have a common enemy.

OK... no point in harping on the past. What's done is done.

We have to admit that those critics who insist that the President apologize for going into Iraq are either insincere or deluded -- because he's not going to! Number one, he doesn't think is was wrong, and number two, NO president apologizes unless they find the DNA... that's the only reason Clinton did, and that wasn't about a war.

The closest a high American official has come to apologizing for a war is former defense secretary Robert McNamara, and it took him 30 years to admit Vietnam was a mistake.

So there were 84 nations in the East Room and the clear implication is that the coalition is alive and well, and BIG.

What we don't know yet is -- how much manpower and money will they contribute. Because we need it. While we are rebuilding roads and schools and hospitals and electrical plants in Iraq, and guaranteeing the security of the Iraqi people, the fight against Al Qaeda -- is going on in Pakistan without us. It's being fought by a country where a majority of the people LIKE Osama bin laden.

Cross your fingers.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS A SAFER WORLD
Moved: 3/19/2004 7:54
CBS-A SAFER WORLD 3/18/2004

A safer world. This is DR...

The House easily passed a resolution yesterday commending the Iraqi people for their courage, commending Iraq for its new constitution, and commending the soldiers for their valiant service -- all of which was non-controversial.

But it also included a fourth point which some of the Democrats objected to -- a declaration that the world has been made safer by Saddam's demise.

Rep. John Murtha, who is considered a Democratic hawk, saw that last point as -- not a lie exactly -- but certainly wishful thinking:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>john murtha 031704 LONG HAUL
Time: 8s
Title: john murtha GOING TO BE A LONG HAUL
Out-cue: ][But we shouldn't mislead the people. I've said over and over again, don't be overly optimistic, this is going to be a long haul.]

Republican Tom De Lay, the majority whip, harbored no such doubts:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>tom delay 031704 ONLY VICTORY
Time: 8s
Title: tom delay 031704 ONLY VICTORY
Out-cue: ][No retreat. No surrender. And no apologies. Victory, Mr. Speaker. Only victory.]

And in the end, the vote for yesterday's resolution was a landslide: 327-93. And why not? You can't get out of Iraq; there's nothing you can do about suicide car bombers; we've done what we've done; we might as well declare that the world is safer.

Who is going to vote for a resolution that commends the troops, but which says the world is NOT safer? When you spend over 100 billion dollars, the world is BY DEFINITION safer.

And so now that the House has declared the world safer, I wish it would do one other thing. Declare that Courtney Love is sober.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>courtney love 031704 HANDCUFFS
Time: 3s
Title: courtney love 031704 HANDCUFFS
Out-cue: ][Handcuffs in the bedroom, handcuffs outside, it doesn't matter]

Do it before she flashes her WMDs again.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NEG ADS
Moved: 3/17/2004 8:45
CBS-ADS 3/17/2004

Somebody stop him! This is DR.

I don't want to upset anybody. But there is a new evil-doer on the loose. No one wants to come out and say it, but I've been hearing these voices. And they tell me that there is no man more dangerous ... than John Kerry:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>neg ad 031204 ANTI KERRY 100 DAYS
Time: 7s
Title: 03-12 BUSH AD
Out-cue: ][ANNCR: His plan to pay for new government spending will raise taxes at least 900 billion dollars, including taxes on small businesses...]

OK, tax BIG businesses, fine. But SMALL businesses? Little CUTE businesses? He'd probably pull the tails of little puppies if he had the chance. But that's not all:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>BUSH AD- FORWARD (SHORT)
Time: 8s
Title: BUSH AD- FORWARD (SHORT)
Out-cue: ][BUSH: We can go forward with confidence, resolve, and hope, or we can turn back to the dangerous illusion that terrorists are not plotting and outlaw regimes are no threat..]

He's soft on terrorism. He doesn't even think outlaw regimes are a threat. In fact, if you had a cute little puppy, after pulling its tail, he would give it to an outlaw regime. But that isn't the worst part:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>neg ad 031604 ANTI KERRY BODY ARMOR (SHORT)
Time: 7s
Title: neg ad 031604 ANTI KERRY BODY ARMOR
Out-cue: soc][ANNCR: Body armor for troops in combat ...VOICE: Mr Kerry? ANNCR: No. Higher compabt pay? VOICE: Mr Kerry? ANNCR: No.]

He's against body armor -- he'd have soldiers go naked into battle -- then he'd dock their pay.

And not only that -- everything John Kerry does? -- has spooky music behind it.

You know... Martha Stewart is going to jail for conspiring to lie about a stock trade. A lifetime of valuable craft tips counted for nothing against that one mistake.

Yet John Kerry remains free despite single-handedly conspiring to undermine the American economy, the American military, and the American dream.

Somebody find this man!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SPAIN
Moved: 3/16/2004 8:38
CBS-SPAIN 3/16/2004

They blame US! This is DR...

That's what Spain is REALLY saying, isn't it. The people of Spain elected a government that will yank its troops from Iraq because they think cooperating with the US, far from providing protection, makes them a TARGET.

This turns the whole idea of alliances on its head, doesn't it? If joining an alliance makes you LESS safe, who's going to sign up?

And you can see the Al Qaeda strategy unfolding ... one by one, they would go down the list of American allies, and make them pay.

And how do we stop them? Who do we aim at? Where do we send the army? The weapons here are cell phones, and phone cards. It used to be a terrorist had to martyr himself -- it was a limited skill set. Now, anybody who can get explosives and a decent service plan can pull off a timed attack.

Al Qaeda wants to scare Europe into keeping its distance from the United States.

But that's crazy! You can't give into terrorists! Spain should know that -- heck, Spain DOES know that - they've been fighting Basque terrorists for years.

So how is it that the United States, a victim of terrorism itself, is suddenly like Kryptonite?

We won the war in Iraq! We continue to rebuild the place! We killed Uday and Qusay! We captured Saddam! A new poll in Iraq says 70% of Iraqis expect things to be better off a year from now! By any definition that is a victory!

The only possible explanation is... that the people of Spain decided winning in Iraq ... has nothing to do with stopping terrorism. 

And saw last week's attack as the final proof.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SPAIN
Moved: 3/15/2004 8:38
CBS-SPAIN 3/15/2004

The day the coalition died. This is DR...

Right before the results of the election in Spain, National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice, on Meet The Press, was asked about the consequences of last week's terrorist bombing in Madrid -- which just about everybody, except the government, is now convinced was an Al Qaeda job.

Specifically, she was asked if she expected the Spanish government to fall as a consequence of embracing the American policy in Iraq:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>rice 031504 PEOPLE WONT BLAME AZNAR (SHORT)
Time: 6s
Title: rice 031504 PEOPLE WONT BLAME AZNAR (SHORT)
Out-cue: ]I believe that the Spanish people understand that they had strong and good leadership in President Jose Maria Aznar...]

And yet ALL the newspapers today seem to be reporting that the Aznar government was bounced out on its ear -- in favor of a government that is described as SOCIALIST, and which has promised to pull Spain's troops out of Iraq by summer!

What's going on here? Why can't the Spanish people see they're safer without Saddam Hussein? Will we have to force Spanish restaurants to serve ... Freedom Omelettes?

I don't know, but I know that if an election were held in Britain today, the same thing would happen to Tony Blair ... WITHOUT a terrorist attack. Which would mean Freedom ... Pork Pie. Mmmm!

But we WILL hold on to Poland and of course -- the ever-loyal Solomon Islands -- and really, don't worry about Spain, because you know all that stuff about how Spain was a major coalition partner? I predict it will turn out that Spain was actually a MINOR coalition partner all along.

Alas, we dropped a gazillion leaflets on the Iraqis to convince them we were their friends... if only we had dropped a few on Europe.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MADRID BLAME
Moved: 3/15/2004 8:38
CBS-MADRID BLAME 03/1204

Not just who did it. But who do you blame? This is DR....

Still nothing definitive on who set off the bombs in Madrid.

The first speculation was the home-grown Basques, but then an e-mail turned up at the London office of an Arabic Newspaper which said this was "part of settling old accounts with Spain, the crusader, and America's ally in its war against Islam." And that means we must prepare for the inevitable question ... if it's Al Qeada, who do we blame.

If it turns out to be the Basques, it's simple -- we blame the Basques.

But if it turns out to be Al Qaeda... we have to blame someone else.

I had one co-worker tell me ... if it is Al Qaeda, Bush is out, because we fought that war in Iraq to make us safer, and if they can still do this, how safe are we?

But who's to say it wouldn't have been worse if we HADN'T gone to war? You can bet that if it turns out to be Al Qaeda, Republicans will argue that's just why we need a steady hand, because the threat is still here.

The President could pay a surprise visit to Madrid to show solidarity -- maybe even land Air Force one himself.

The REALLY interesting question is what happens if Spain finds there's a Saudi Arabian connection. It's possible. Richard Perle, big supporter of the Iraq war, wrote in his book (QUOTE) "Saudi Arabia is the single largest sourece of jmoney and men for Al Qaeda."

Will Spain let the Saudis off the hook the way we did? Or will it start assembling its own coalition of the willing?

Don't know. But there is ONE thing I'm pretty sure of. We won't be able to pin this one on Saddam.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MADRID ATTACK
Moved: 3/15/2004 8:38
CBS-MADRID ATTACK 3/11/2004

Now it's Spain. This is DR...

Spain now has ITS September 11th: coordinated bombings of commuter trains in Madrid. Some 200 dead, more than 900 injured, ten explosions on three trains, targeting civilians, during rush hour, with no warning -- on the 11th day of the month. You're tempted to say Al Qaeda.

Spain's Prime Minister Aznar says no, it's clearly the work of E-T-A, the Basque separatist group that's been demanding a Basque homeland since 1959.

Prime Minister Aznar should know, because he was almost killed by a Basque car bomb in 1995. It certainly had better NOT be Al Qaeda, because they're on the run, we're told. And we know it's not Saddam, because we fought a whole war to get HIM -- I'm pretty sure we're monitoring HIS phone calls.

SO what does it mean?

It means we have another terrorist group trying to join the big leagues. And this time, they're not Muslims. The Basques are Christian.

It means that we have more than just terrorists on the loose. 

We have an IDEA on the loose. The idea... that to be an effective terrorist, you can't just blow up the odd shopping mall, you can't just target prime ministers -- you need to launch spectacular coordinated attacks on civilians.

And another thing -- the Basque terrorists have close ties with the Irish Republican Army. They have trained in Algeria, Libya, Lebanon. Suppose an angry Spanish government sees a gathering threat of potential weapons of mass destruction programs in one of these places?

Do we join THEIR coalition of the willing? I think we'd have to.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MADRID ATTACK 3/11/2
Moved: 3/15/2004 8:38
CBS-MADRID ATTACK2 3/11/2004

Now it's Spain. This is DR...

Spain now has ITS September 11th: coordinated bombings of commuter trains in Madrid. Some 200 dead, more than 1000 injured, ten explosions on three trains, targeting civilians, during rush hour, with no warning -- on the 11th day of the month. You're tempted to say Al Qaeda.

Spain's Prime Minister Aznar says no, it's clearly the work of Basque terrorists... although now Spanish investigators have a new evidence, including a tape with Koranic verses. That would point away from the Basques, becasue Basques are Christians.

It certainly had better NOT be Al Qaeda, because they're supposed to be on the run. And we know it's not Saddam, because we fought a whole war to get HIM -- I'm pretty sure we're monitoring HIS phone calls.

SO what does it mean?

If it IS the Basques, it would mean we have another terrorist group trying to join the big leagues. 

It would also mean that we have more than just terrorists on the loose. 

We have an IDEA on the loose. The idea... that effective terrorism isn't just about blowing up the odd shopping mall; it's about spectacular coordinated attacks on civilians. And if that can so easily be transplanted to other non-al- Qaeda groups -- who do we attack now?

The Basque terrorists have close ties with the Irish Republican Army. They have trained in Algeria, Libya, Lebanon. Suppose an angry Spanish government sees a gathering threat of potential weapons of mass destruction programs in one of these places?

Do we join THEIR coalition of the willing? I think we'd have to.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQ
Moved: 3/15/2004 8:38
CBS-IRAQ CONSTITUTION 3/9/2004

Iraq's new Constitution. This is DR..

Iraq has a new constitution, the first to recognize human rights. Rights which include ... well look at Article 14: Social security, education, and ... HEALTH CARE:"

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>iraq clemens HEALTH CARE 1
Time: 14s
Title: iraq clemens HEALTH CARE 1
Out-cue: Universal health care for all iraqis]

That's Christy Clemens, at the Coalition Provisional Authority in Baghdad, and she made it clear this is serious:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>iraq clemens HEALTH CARE 3
Time: 17s
Title: iraq clemens HEALTH CARE 3
Out-cue: it is all free]

Now let's be clear, here in America, annual health care spending per capita is over $5000. 

So 49 bucks may represent a big jump for Iraq, but to us -- that's barely three weeks of Lipitor. Maybe if you buy your pills in Canada.

But here's the real difference. In Iraq, Universal Health Care is written into their constitution.

You know what else is in there: 

Article 17. (QUOTE) It shall not be permitted to possess, bear, buy, or sell arms except on licensure issued in accordance with the law.

Although maybe the real time bomb here is Article 1-B; (QUOTE) "Gender-specific language shall apply equally to male and female." That's gonna be trouble.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FAT
Moved: 3/10/2004 8:47
CBS-BLANKS-FAT 3/10/2004

Fill in the Blanks. This is DR -- the feature where ordinary Americans like you get a chance to participate in writing today's commentary by simply filling in the ...BLANKS.

Ready? Today's story is about OBESITY. ...AGAIN?

Yes. BUT WE HAD ONE LAST MONTH. Yes. AND THE MONTH BEFORE THAT. Yes.

I know. But the news today is that instead of just releasing figures, the government plans a new anti-obesity ad campaign because by 2005 obesity will kill half a million people a year, to which we say ... HAND ME THE REMOTE AND SHUT UP.

No! To which we say ...TOSS ME ANOTHER DONUT. No! "Thank you." To which we say "thank you." THANK YOU.

The reason the Government issues these obesity reports is that they think we actually ...CARE. No! You do care you have to care. WHY?

Because of the statistics! Because every time new statistics come out, we see news footage of people who are so fat they have gravitational fields -- small children just start sticking to them!

If Al Qaeda wants to blow us up, all they have to do is stuff a truck full of cupcakes!

GIVE IT UP.

All right, fine. How about this story - Dateline New Orleans: Scientists have developed a powerful new pill that helps people lose weight and quit smoking at the same time.

TELL US MORE.

One study found the drug helped people drop 20 pounds a year.

GIVE US THIS PILL. It's still being studied. GIVE US THIS PILL. 

The studies will take two years. GIVE IT TO US. 

I have it right here. DON'T MAKE US GET UP.

OK, come get it... (PAUSE)

NAAAH!

I didn't think so. Now this. 
Index 

CBS MARTHA HONESTY
Moved: 3/9/2004 10:00
CBS-MARTHA 3/9/2004
Are WE any better than Martha? This is DR...
People are clucking that Martha Stewart is getting what she deserves; thought she was above the law; thought she could talk her way out of the traffic ticket; that's what happens when you lie.
But not so fast.
What exactly did Martha do: 
She used inside information from her broker. That means she took advantage of information SHE had that others didn't and used it to her own benefit, then lied about it.
She used that information to dump a pile of defective stock before anyone else knew it was defective. She was willing to screw the investors who bought her stock rather than take her own lumps.
In other words... she's headed to jail ... for doing what a LOT of people do.
You ever sold a car without disclosing everything you know about it?
If a woman takes a job knowing she intends to get pregnant and leave - well, the employer isn't allowed to ask about that, even though his investment is at stake, but shouldn't the truly HONEST woman voluntarily disclose it?
Suppose you've decided to sell your house because you've learned a sex offender is moving next door? A truly honest person would put it right in the ad! You could give it a positive spin -- Home for sale! Your new neighbor only molests close relatives!
Here's the real test: if you find a Honus Wagner baseball card at a garage sale, and the owner clearly doesn't know it's worth $100,000, do you tell him? Or do you say, "Honus Wagner?! Whoever heard of him?" 
This whole honesty thing... could get prickly. Thank goodness we only apply it to Wall Street.
Now this.
This is DR... 
Index 

CBS MARTHA IN JAIL
Moved: 3/9/2004 6:48
CBS-MARTHA IN JAIL 3/8/04

It's just too difficult to think of Martha in stripes:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Martha Jail FINAL KIRO
Time: 84s
Out-cue: ]

Jury said Martha had to go to jail
Women in suburbia began to wail
(She'll be) handin' out her recipe for party mix
To the meth lab mommas on cell block six,
Oh, you rock. Martha you rock.
You never shoulda sold that stock, 
But Martha baby you still rock.

>Everything that Martha made she made from scratch
But finally it happened that she met her match
The government attorney really kicked her butt
He made a federal indictment out of fruits and nuts
You rock. Martha you rock.
You never shoulda sold that stock
But Martha baby you still rock.

>No, other CEOs'll send your jobs away
And none of 'em will ever face the judgement day.
(So the) only way to make our children safe again
(Was to) send Martha Stewart to the federal pen
You rock, Martha you rock.
America is safe again
With Martha in the federal pen.
~C:\works\files\MARTHA2.SNG 
Index 

CBS GAY AMSTERDAM
Moved: 3/5/2004 8:52
CBS-GAY-AMSTERDAM 03/06/04

From outrage to ordinary. This is DR...

Right now, Gay Marriage is an outrage to a lot of people:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>GAY-PROTESTOR-1 (SHORT)
Time: 3s
Title: GAY-PROTESTOR-1
Out-cue: NEED JESUS][These people are vile and they're on the way to hell and they need Jesus]

But reporter Toby Sterling, writing for the Associated Press from Amsterdam, says that three years after Amsterdam's mayor officiated at the first gay wedding there, the issue has disappeared. It's become routine. And as it becomes routine, the number of gay weddings has dropped off.

And they're starting to see the flip side. Gay divorces.

Now as you know, unlike many commentators who just try to get people angry, I'm a peacemaker. I'm looking for the things people can agree on.

Even people like this:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>gay protestor 1
Time: 2s
Title: gay protestor 1
In-cue: abomination in the sight of God
Out-cue: ][This is an abomination in the sight of God.]

OK, I'm not saying it's going to be easy. But hear this out. Right now, the gay couples getting married are the really serious couples. They've been together for years, they've adopted children, they are solid citizens, they seem completely well-adjusted.

But as gay marriage becomes routine, pretty soon, the standards are bound to drop... maybe even to the level of straight marriage. People will start getting married a week after meeting at a bar, or on-line, or because he looks really good on an exercise bike, and pretty soon, we'll start seeing the one thing everyone agrees on: 

Gay divorces. The Ultra-Liberals are happy because they think anyone should be free to divorce; and the Ultra-Conservatives are happy because they can say "I told you so."

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>gay protestor
Time: 0s
Title: gay protestor
In-cue: That's stupid
Out-cue: ][That's stupid]

Or they could say that.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CAMPAIGN COMMERCIALS
Moved: 3/5/2004 8:52
CBS-CAMPAIGN COMMERCIALS 03/05/04

The real campaign begins! This is DR...

The Bush campaign has released its first commercials:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush ad snippet
Time: 6s
Title: bush ad snippet
Out-cue: ]

[ "I'm George W. Bush, and I approved this message.The last few years have tested America in Many ways...]

And his critics are already saying he's gone too far because his spots use images of 9-11.

Well I'm not going debate that.

But I will tell you what DOES drive me crazy about these ads:

Listen:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush announcer snippet
Time: 2s
Title: bush announcer snippet
Out-cue: ][Sentimental Music: "What sees us through tough times.]

It sounds like a pharmaceutical ad!

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush music snippet
Time: 7s
Title: music snippet
Out-cue: ]

["Ask your Doctor if George W. Bush is right for you. Feelings of patriotism lasting more than four hours, though rare, require immediate medical help.]

And then.... there's the special effect no ad-meister can resist: slow motion. Politicians ALWAYS walk in slow motion in these ads. (SLOW) No wonder everything in government takes so long!

And the Democrats do it too. I asked Tony Welch, Press Secretary for the DNC, when it comes time to show John Kerry trooping through Vietnam, will THAT be in slow motion too?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Tony Welch DNC
Time: 5s
Title: Will you show slow motion ads of John Kerry in Vietnam
Out-cue: ][TONY: Absolutely. DAVE: Why can't you show them at normal speed? TONY: Ha ha ha ha]

You see? So prepare to be manipulated. I just want to leave you with this thought.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>ross parody short
Time: 18s
Title: ross parody short
Out-cue: ]

["Dave Ross. He's been there through your joys and sorrows. Sure, his opinions may have ticked you off, or even caused you to ... break out in a nasty rash. But he knows that once you've watched him walk down a hallway in slow motion, you will come to love him. Dave Ross, solid commentary in times of change."] 

(CRYING) I'm sorry, seeing myself in slow motion always makes me cry.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GAY KISSING
Moved: 3/4/2004 8:42
CBS-GAY KISSING 3/4/2004

It's in his kiss. This is DR...

Every opponent of gay marriage has a reason why it's bad.

You've probably heard most of them by now. But there's one no one speaks of.

I was talking to a conservative older gentleman the other day -- I am not at liberty to say who, but it's someone I am able to speak frankly with -- and we were discussing how far equal rights should go.

I've always felt that if you have to err, you err on the side of more rights, not fewer. You want the government to be as hands-off as possible. Plus I pointed out, look at the heterosexual divorce rate. Look at the number of straight couples who go childless.

And we went round and round about this until finally he said, Son, be honest, "how can you stand seeing two men kissing."

And I realized... he was right! THAT's the problem. Even I, as educated and open minded as I am, even I, erring as I do on the side of freedom, even I get the heebie jeebies when I see two men kissing on the lips.

A hug is fine; a vigorous butt-slap --perfectly acceptable; but straight men just have trouble watching gay men kissing on the lips. Especially if they have beards.

For some reason, two women kissing don't have the same effect. I mean, there are entire cable channels dedicated to that.

But as a political strategy, I think that the idea of gay marriage would go down easier with straight people if the male couples just kissed in private. However ... if they want to vigorously slap butts at the end of the ceremony, that's perfectly acceptable.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GAY MARRIAGE
Moved: 3/3/2004 8:36
CBS-GAY MARRIAGE 3/9/2004

Another line forms! This is DR...

And now the courthouse Portland, Oregon is issuing marriage licenses to gay couples.

Man, this "equality" stuff is been spreading like a rash.

When this country was founded, equality actually meant something: white heterosexual men who owned property.

They were white male property-owning English-speakers, and most important, they all lusted in the same way.

And then -- constitutional amendments began removing the ways you could pull rank. Until today -- we have only three legitimate brags left: I'm thinner than you, I'm richer than you, and I'm not gay.

But if these activist public officials keep claiming the constitution doesn't let you discriminate against gay people, we're going to be down to two.

Leave it to activist public officials to go around taking the constitution literally! That is just so... sneaky!

And you see what it leads to! This -- from the newspaper this morning: Barbara Rhoades-Weaver, who has already married her partner once in British Columbia, plans to marry her again today in Portland, and then again in San Francisco, and then AGAIN in Massachusetts! Just to make sure!

And all because states don't have to recognize each other's gay marriages. 

The federal government has actually created an incentive to marry multiple times ... and heck, if states don't recognize each other's marriages, legally, gays wouldn't even have to marry the same partner! They could have a different partner in every state! And you know what heterosexual men are gonna say about THAT! They're gonna say that... 

...you may actually have something there.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQ
Moved: 3/2/2004 9:04
CBS-IRAQ 3/2/2004

It takes a bomb. This is DR...

These days it takes a bomb to put Iraq on the front page. In today's attack: over a hundred dead, and more blame hurled at US soldiers; along with rocks for emphasis.

But there's OTHER news from Iraq: the country has a new interim constitution which looks like a model of American-style compromise.

I don't suppose I should say that too loudly ... but there's a prime minister, an elected assembly, two official languages, free speech, due process, and -- even though Islam is the official religion -- freedom of religion. It's just that you won't see the government trying to ban the Five Pillars of Islam from public parks.

It's one of those reasonable documents that can work long as your government isn't run by hotheads. We had George Washington to lead us into independence. Iraq has... Ayatollah Sistani. So who knows. 

But the constitution is there, and it comes just in the nick of time. Because popular resolve here at home is waning. 

The latest Scripps Howard poll shows that the number of Americans who believe invading Iraq was correct is down to 50%, compared to 66% back in May of last year.

It's not by accident the President left the cost of the war out of his new budget.

We are a short attention span country.

But at least Iraq finally has its July 4th. One member of the Governing Council said that for the next 100 years this day would be one of the most important in Iraq's history. Unfortunately... it was accompanied by the wrong type of fireworks.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS INDECENT
Moved: 2/26/2004 8:59
CBS-INDECENT 2/26/2004

Rampant indecency. This is DR...

Congress is holding more hearings on indecency, and perhaps anticipating the inevitable tongue-lashing, executives of Clear Channel Communications yanked the ribald and raunchy Howard Stern show from their stations. Apparently they have just discovered what he's been saying all these years, and they are MORTIFIED.

As anybody would be. This morning, for example, Stern was setting conditions for the interview that Paula Zahn wants to do with him on CNN:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Howard Stern, KISW
Time: 8s
Title: RE: Paula Zahn, CNN, requested interview on indecency
Out-cue: "sex with you."][HOWARD: If she agrees to do the entire interview in a negligee of my choice on my lap, I will do the interview. ROBIN: She's not gonna do that, she would rather have sex...]

All right, enough! As you can see, one of the problems with trying to cover indecency is that ... it's indecent.

But there's something else I heard on the air which, if not utterly devoid of decency was at the very least crude and offensive. In fact, anyone under the age of 55 should probably leave the room right now. Roll the cut:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>greenspan 022504 SOCIAL SECURITY
Time: 5s
Out-cue: ][GREENSPAN: We have been making commitments without focusing on our capability of meeting them.]

All right, enough! It's making me sick! Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan, telling Congress that Social Security is going to have to be cut because the budget deficit is out of control. Thousands of stations played this cut, and not ONE has been slapped with a fine.

Now you tell me. If Congress is going to crack down on indecency, what's more revolting: some DJ with fantasies about Paula Zahn in her underwear, or a fully-clothed economist with fantasies about screwing up my retirement.

Now this. 
Index 

KIRO PASSION 2
Moved: 2/25/2004 8:31
CBS-PASSION2 2/25/2004

The Stations of the Cross. This is DR...

If you want a simple summary of Mel Gibson's Passion, it's the Technicolor Dolby Stereo version of the Roman Catholic Stations of the Cross. Visit a Catholic church on a Friday during Lent, and you can relive the movie scene by scene.

Will it make you cry? Well I did, but then I tear-up at the Wizard of Oz. What I found interesting, thought, was WHICH scenes did it. It wasn't the flogging -- it was the flashbacks when Jesus says, Love your enemies. Love one another. Those who live by the sword die by the sword. You know -- all the rules we hardly ever follow?

Will it make Jews uncomfortable? If you're uncomfortable sitting in a theater full of devout Christians, yes. But as for what's on the screen -- well, the bad guys ARE Jewish, but so are the good guys. I mean, it's Jerusalem! Everyone's Jewish! Except the occupying Romans. You WILL come out hating them. Any ancient Romans who are thinking of seeing this movie should sit near the exit. 

But here's who ELSE is going to be uncomfortable -- any Christian who believes in fighting back -- because Jesus doesn't. Any Christian who engages in ridicule -- because Jesus endures it with such dignity. Any Christian who rejects the concept of civil disobedience -- because that's what Jesus did.

Plus, anyone who thinks military courts are a good idea, anyone who thinks letting a few powerful men run ANYTHING is a good idea, and anyone who doesn't believe in forgiveness. Because in the end, that's what Jesus does. He forgives them ALL.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PASSION 1
Moved: 2/25/2004 8:29
CBS-PASSION-1 02/24/04

The crucifixion on the big screen. This is DR...

Thanks to Mel Gibson's movie about the Passion, the crucifixion of Christ has finally been rated by the critics.

"Near pornographic violence" says the Hollywood reporter.

"A violent and grisly showdown" said the New York Times...

"Two stars out of four" said the AP. 

"R - Under 17 not admitted without parent," said the Motion Picture Association of America.

But the big question is how will it affect Christian audiences. Will they leave the theater blaming Jews for Jesus's death.

Well, since Christians believe that His death was pre-ordained, that would be like blaming God.

It would also be forgetting a little event known as "The Resurrection." Basically, real Christians don't believe Jesus is dead. Nothing ruins a murder case like having the victim walk into the courtroom. 

So I don't think this movie will result in an outbreak of anti-semitism.

But if it is the spiritual experience its cracked up to be, I will be looking for other results: Will the homeless be offered shelter? Will employers pay a fair wage even if they don't have to? Will parents welcome home their prodigal children? Will those who boast publicly about their faith withdraw to the back of the church and say a humble prayer instead. Will movie goers, confronted with the graphic image of a man wrongly accused, denied due process, and sentenced to the death penalty become activists for justice? 

The real measure of this film isn't whether there's an outbreak of anti-semitism. The real measure of this film is whether there's an outbreak... of Christianity.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CRECHE
Moved: 2/25/2004 6:36
CBS-CRECHE 2/20/2004

When is a religious symbol too hot for the public schools. This is DR...

In New York, a federal judge has ruled that NYC Dept of Education has the right to determine what your religious symbols are, and people are upset.

In a lawsuit brought by the parents of a Catholic girl who wanted a crèche to be part of her school's multi-cultural holiday display, the court said the school system had the power to decide that a crèche, or Nativity scene, with Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, was too religious to be allowed under the constitution. Even as PART of a larger display of religious symbols.

Nativity scenes are TOO religious, he said. And so he upheld a school policy that prohibited the nativity scene while at the same time allowing a Jewish Menorah, and a Muslim crescent.

The parents are upset, and, of course, Christian leaders are upset. They consider it discrimination.

But I read the court decision, and you know what?

It's the Jews and Muslims who ought to be ticked off. 

Because in order to find the creche to be overly religious, he had to rule that Crescent and the Menorah were UNDER-ly religious.

The Crescent and the Menorah, said the judge, although perhaps religious in origin, have developed significant secular connotations.

This is basically the state saying that the Crescent and the Menorah are on a par... with Rudolph the Red Nosed reindeer.

And if that's the legal standard -- I would say that Christians who are serious about preserving their religion should do whatever they can to keep their symbols OUT of the public schools.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FOOTBALL
Moved: 2/25/2004 6:36
CBS-FOOTBALL 2/20/2004

EVERYBODY'S A WINNER. This is DR....

In school sports, the professed ideal is to make the kids feel good about themselves. Sure you want them to compete, and work hard, but in the end, you want them to know that everybody's a winner.

It's like that Coke Commercial they show before the movie starts about a small town football game, and healthy middle class kids learning about leadership, effort, loyalty.

But then we grow up, and it turns out everybody's not winner. Certainly not in big time college football. In college football there are losers. And no one wants to be one of those:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>gary barnett 021804 HNIDA STANK
Time: 7s
Title: gary garnett ny-da was not a good player
Out-cue: ]

By now everybody's heard what coach Gary Barnett said about place kicker Katie Hnida. That comment got him suspended because he said it after she revealed that she'd been raped a teammate at the University of Colorado.

He came back and told Larry King that's not what he meant:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>gary barnett
Time: 8s
Title: gary barnett
In-cue: Why he said what he did
Out-cue: football program]

And so the story has now become how football devalues women. 

Is anybody asking WHY that seems to happen with such frequency? Why strippers show up at recruiting parties on a regular basis? Could it have something to do with conquest. With winning?

Either you can kick it through the uprights, or you can't.

Think back to some of those Superbowl commercials.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MARRIAGE AMENDMENT
Moved: 2/24/2004 10:17
CBS-MARRIAGE AMENDMENT 2/24/2004

Forming a more perfect union. This is DR...

It's official. There is only one way to protect America from the uncontrolled outbreak of monogamy among homosexual couples -- and that is a constitutional amendment.

The President has now promised to push for one in order to "prevent the meaning of marriage from being changed forever."

But we don't know what the amendment will say, only that it will define marriage once and for all as the union of a man and a woman. Whoop-de-doo. Are men and women have no trouble uniting? Not that I can see. It's STAYING united they have trouble with.

I mean, as long as Congress is defining personal relationships -- we could use a little more guidance, because most of us get the sexual union part; we have reproduction figured out. What we have trouble with is how LONG does Congress think the sexual union should last?

It's bad enough when judges define what marriage is, but you know what's worse?
When people like Britney Spears define what marriage is.

And if you're passing an amendment to "fully protect" the institution of marriage, then shouldn't it include protection against the things that tend to break marriages up?

How about this: that no married person can be fired, laid off, or outsourced.

That no married person can be required to work weekends or past 5 p.m. on a weekday.

That no married person can be denied six weeks of annual vacation.

That no married person can be sent on a lengthy military deployment.

Yeah. Especially that last point. Talk about something that might make you consider the gay lifestyle... 
Index 

KIRO PASSION
Moved: 2/24/2004 8:50
KIRO-PASSION 2/24/04

The crucifixion on the big screen. This is DR...

Thanks to Mel Gibson's movie about the Passion, the crucifixion of Christ has finally been rated by the critics.

"Frightening for the relentlessness of its brutality. Two stars out fo four" said the AP. 
"Near pornographic violence" says the Hollywood reporter.

"Unflinching" said the Seattle Post Intelligencer...

"R - Under 17 not admitted without parent," said the Motion Picture Association of America.

But all the talk has been about whether moviegoers will emerge blaming the Jews for Jesus death.

Well, since Christianity would not exist without Jesus death, that would be like blaming the Jews for the founding of Christianity.

It would also be forgetting a little event known as "The Resurrection." If you believe Jesus is dead, I don't think you can go around calling yourself a Christian.

So I don't think the result of this movie will be an outbreak of anti-semitism; but I will be looking for other results: Will the homeless be offered shelter? Will employers pay a fair wage even if they don't have to? Will parents welcome home their prodigal children? Will those who boast publicly about their faith withdraw to the back of the church and say a humble prayer instead. Will movie goers, confronted with the graphic image of a man wrongly accused, denied due process, and sentenced to the death penalty become activists for justice? 

The real measure of this film isn't whether there's an outbreak of anti-semitism. The real measure of this film is whether there's an outbreak... of Christianity.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NADER
Moved: 2/24/2004 8:50
CBS-NADER 2/23/04

Just when the race was beginning to look uncomplicated. This is DR...

Ralph Nader has decided to run for President. And Democrats are apoplectic! He'll suck away our votes! But why would that be? Presumably if somebody is a real Democrat, they'll vote democratic. If they vote for Nader, it means they didn't want to vote Democratic, making them not Democrats. Or is Nader an addiction that Democrats are somehow helpless to resist?

You can certainly make the argument that Ralph Nader is the reason George Bush is President.

But Al Gore isn't running this time, and George W. Bush has ticked off a lot of people.

Nader himself says he has no intention of helping Mr. Bush get re-elected -- in fact he thinks he'll attract more disenchanted Republicans.

But whatever the effect on the final vote, the effect on the debate is pretty clear.

No mincing words about corporations:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>nader 022204 NOT ENOUGH DIFFERENCE (short)
Time: 9s
Title: nader 022204 NOT ENOUGH DIFFERENCE (short)
Out-cue: PAYMASTERS]

No mincing words about why we went to into Iraq:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>nader 022204 IT WAS OIL
Time: 1s
Title: nader 022204 IT WAS OIL
Out-cue: ]

And -- oh yes... and he wants to impeach a certain president:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>nader 022204 IMPEACH BUSH (SHORT)
Time: 16s
Title: nader 022204 IMPEACH BUSH (SHORT)
Out-cue: ]

Of course, at this point, to do that, I believe a certain President would have to be re-elected first.

Now this: 
Index 

CBS SKILLING
Moved: 2/19/2004 11:06
CBS-SKILLING 2/19/2004

Another CEO perp walk. This is DR...

Former Enron C-E-O Jeffrey Skilling has surrendered, becoming the highest-ranking former Enron executive yet to face criminal charges.

But getting Skilling to admit he took any money -- well, that's not going to be easy.

He just doesn't have a head for figures. Let me remind you what Mr. Skilling told Senator John McCain during a hearing two years ago:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>EnronSkilling
Time: 24s
Out-cue: ]
[McCain: Isn't it true that in the year 2000 you received 5.6 million dollars in bonus and in 1999 3 million dollars in bonus and in 1998 2.25 million dollars in bonuses? 
Skilling: I don't recall. 
McCain: (PAUSE) You don't recall what you received in bonus? 
Skilling: No sir. (Some snickers in background) 
McCain: 5.6 million dollars? 
Skilling: I- I don't recall, I'm sorry. 
Chairman: Senator Breaux. 
Breaux: Boy, I would've remembered mine!"]

See? Just had no head for figures.

And THERE's the fundamental problem here. Not the fake partnerships, not ruining workers' retirement accounts, but that you have executives so rich they don't even KNOW what they make.

The whole reason for CEO bonuses is to motivate these guys to create the kind of wealth that will trickle down to us all. Executive bonuses are the catnip of capitalism  and 5.6 million ought to be lot of catnip.

But some guys are so rich, they don't know a bonus from a restaurant coupon! All I'm saying is, the country is in hock; national debt is 7 trillion dollars; it's fine to INDICT these guys.... but in the meantime, why don't we just TAX THE HELL OUT OF THEM? They'll never even notice!!!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WISCONSIN
Moved: 2/19/2004 6:45
CBS-WISCONSIN 2/18/2004

Was it really the scream? This is DR...

I knew it was over when I saw a newscast use a cutaway shot of voters actually getting up and leaving during one of Howard Dean's speeches in Wisconsin.

What happened? How could someone with so much momentum fall so far? Yeah, yeah, "The Scream" -- but real Deaniacs knew the scream was out of context.

That shouldn't have stopped the True Believers. Maybe it was what was it what he said after Saddam was captured:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>dean 121503 US NOT SAFER (SHORT)
Time: 7s
Title: dean 121503 US NOT SAFER (SHORT)
Out-cue: ]

-- Controversial at the time -- but with the attacks continuing now two months later, and still no WMD's found, it looks like he was right.

Maybe it was his stand on the tax cut:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>dean 010104 NO TAX CUT (SHORT)
Time: 4s
Title: dean 010104 NO TAX CUT (SHORT)
Out-cue: ]

People DID get a check. But now they're finding they have to deduct that check from their expected refund... 

So he really didn't make any gigantic bloopers on the issues themselves.

No, I think the blooper that killed his momentum... was thinking he really HAD momentum. What he had was INTERNET momentum. VIRTUAL momentum. The kind of momentum that isn't really three-D, but boy when you have those glasses on
it sure does LOOK 3-D:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>dean 011904 DEAN SCREAMS AGAIN (SHORT)
Time: 9s
Title: dean 011904 DEAN SCREAMS AGAIN (SHORT)
Out-cue: ]

You can't win a national campaign when your biggest supporters are sitting at keyboards.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS A ROD
Moved: 2/17/2004 8:55
CBS-A-ROD 2/17/2004

Resistance is futile. This is DR...

A-Rod -- Alex Rodriguez -- best player in baseball, will play third base for the Yankees. You know the Yankees. If you have a big league team, you're part of their farm system.

No franchise player can resist the pull of Planet Steinbrenner.

The Seattle Mariners gave up A-rod in December of 2000 because the city couldn't afford BOTH him and a new light rail system, so he went to Texas to play in the 191 million dollar Ballpark at Arlington, whose entire cost his contract would have surpassed.

But after three years, the Rangers discovered baseball is a TEAM sport, so they are paying the Yankees 67 million for the right NOT to have A-rod. For their part, the Yankees will chip in 112 million dollars over the next 7 years. 

Those numbers worried Commissioner Bud Selig, but he approved the trade after making it abundantly clear to all clubs that this was a unique circumstance, and he would not allow cash transfers of this magnitude to become the norm.

Yes, baseball HATES large cash transfers. I'm sure that the cities making monthly payments on stadium bonds know just how MUCH baseball HATES large cash transfers.

But buried among all the numbers in the A-rod story was one number which tells me
the Yankees will get through this; the Yankees will find a way to remain afloat.

I quote from this morning's sports page:

(QUOTE) "By mid-afternoon, Major League Baseball's web site was selling Rodriguez's Yankee Jersey for $99.99."

I finally understand what candidate John Edwards has been talking about -- 

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>edwards TWO SEP AMERICAS
Time: 1s
Title: edwards TWO SEP AMERICAS
Out-cue: ]

The Yankees, and everybody else.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ESPIONAGE
Moved: 2/13/2004 8:54
CBS-ESPIONAGE 2/13/2004 

Soldier accused of trying to aid Al Qaeda? This is DR...

Specialist Ryan G. Anderson, who was about to be shipped off to Iraq as a member of the 81st armored brigade, now stands accused of trying to pass military intelligence to Al Qaeda.

The army says it caught him using Internet chat rooms to try to get in touch with al-Qaeda agents, offering data on military capabilities and weapons.

So what were the red flags. We read in the paper that as a student at Washington State University in 1995 he tried to get in touch with anyone who could help him convert to Islam, saying Islam had "called him." He said he had been raised in a Zombie Lutheran Home.

OK. A bored generation X-er looking for something that would shock his parents. Nothing new there.

The fact that we was a convert to Islam will undoubtedly have people saying you see? Islam does that to people!

Except by all accounts the Muslims he tried to hang with didn't like him. They didn't LIKE his fascination with guns, and told him it was INCOMPATIBLE with Islam.

In 1995, Anderson joined a militia news group to talk about guns. But that's not too unusual either: 1995 was the year of the Oklahoma city bombing, when militias came out of the closet to say that they were merely educational organizations.

No, Ryan Anderson's main problem seems to be trying to contact an FBI agent posing as an Al Qaeda member.

People, if you're in the military, and you ever see your fingers typing the letters a-l-q-a-e-d-a... in fact, if you find yourself EVER typing a "q" without the "u" -- hit delete... or get the heck out of the army. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GAY ROBERTSON
Moved: 2/13/2004 8:54
CBS-GAY ROBERTSON 2/13/2003

Gay Marriages in San Francisco! This is DR....

Yes! Gay marriages in San Francisco; three months and counting to gay marriages in Massachusetts -- it's like we heterosexuals are being overrun!

I expect to get home tonight and find some strange, buff, well-dressed man all giddy about the Veal Marsala we'll be having for dinner.

Even Ken and Barbie are splitting up! Barbie says it's because of her (QUOTE) busy schedule.

What will we do? Well, what I do when I'm confused about a sexual issue ...is tune into the 700 club and see what Televangelist Pat Robertson has to say. And his take on the institution of marriage was to compare it to when he got his pilot's license:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>pat robertson 021204 PILOTS LICENSE (SHORT)
Time: 16s
Title: pat robertson 021204 PILOTS LICENSE (SHORT)
Out-cue: who was qualified]
[I had to solo the airplane, then I had to take a cross country flight in the airplane, then I had to pass a very rigorous test on al the rules and regulations of flying an airplane, and when I finally passed that and passed all the other tests I was given a license... it was not a civil rights issue]

OK... That makes sense to me. A license means you have proved you are competent to perform a particular task.

Except that... I was trying to think of a state that treats a marriage license... like a pilot's license. I believe in most states, the main qualifications are, "are you of the opposite sex, and do you have seventy bucks?" Which is like letting you fly based on the fact that your feet reach the pedals.

Come to think of it, when it comes to marriage, I believe most religious organizations prefer that you NOT "solo the airplane" until AFTER you get the license, right?

Now This... 
Index 

CBS INDCENCY
Moved: 2/12/2004 11:33
CBS-INDCENCY 2/12/2004

Have we no decency? This is DR...

Congress has been trying to connect the dots; trying to figure out how it happened that a half-time show that seemed fine in rehearsal could have gone so horribly wrong on live TV.

-- Especially puzzling because the man responsible for it was Viacom President Mel Karmazin, a man whose musical tastes are 100% mainstream America:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>mel karmazin 021104 ANDY WILLIAMS
Time: 2s
Out-cue: ]["I would have had Andy Williams."]

Yes, the shock of the Superbowl is that parents suddenly found out WHAT their kids have been watching all these years on the bedroom TV they let them have. "Jason! Why aren't you watching ANDY WILLIAMS?!"

But what REALLY surprises me is WHAT members of CONGRESS are apparently watching:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>indedent1
Time: 9s
Title: indedent1 Member of congress
Out-cue: low cut dress]["But for the incident with Janet Jackson, I would have been able to view Christina Aguilara in her total low-cut dress..."]

What? 

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>indecent2 SHORT
Time: 9s
Title: indecent2 Congress
Out-cue: are youaware of that (2x)]["This past year characters on Fox Television's show "Keen Eddy" employed a prostitute to have oral sex with a horse. Are you aware of that?"]

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>z-QUIZ BUZZER
Time: 1s
Title: QUIZ BUZZER
Out-cue: ]

Whoa! Bleep! BLE-HE- HEEEP! You're LIVE on C-SPAN, man! 

These guys could make Kid Rock blush! The attorney general needs to throw a drape over that whole committee!

But thank goodness -- the broadcast execs have seen the light:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>karmazin CROTCH
Time: 6s
Title: karmazin CROTCH
Out-cue: ]["I did not like during half time at the Superbowl that somebody touched their crotch."]

Yep. THAT stuff will now be relentlessly bleeped. So that from now on, if your kid starts grabbing his crotch, you can't blame television.

I wouldn't take him to see too many baseball games, though.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GAY MARRIAGE
Moved: 2/11/2004 10:46
CBS-GAY MARRIAGE 02/11/04 

'Til death do us part. This is Dave Ross....

The State of Massachusetts has opened a constitutional convention to consider an amendment banning gay marriage.

One one side: gay rights groups who consider marriage crucial to acceptance, and on the other side, Christian conservatives who consider gay marriage a threat to the American family.

It's a classic liberal versus conservative debate.

The only question is who's being liberal and who's being conservative?

Marriage, as far as I can tell, is a conservative institution. It's when a couple says, we're through sleeping around, and not only that, we're going to go to soccer games in the rain, chaperone middle school dances, and put up with the snoring ...UNTIL WE DIE!
Can you be conservative and at the same time oppose a conservative institution? 
On the other hand, you have this clearly liberal institution, called DIVORCE.
I'm sorry but I'm one of those that believes Britney Spears and what's-his-name are still one flesh.
And yet divorce is rampant -- even among people who go to church! If anything's undermining religion, it's state-sanctioned heterosexual divorce! But Massachusetts has been allowing that for years, and conservatives are silent.
And finally, there's THIS: in France... a 35-year-old woman received government permission to marry her fiance -- AFTER the man was killed in a car wreck. Now -- is that liberal because she married a corpse, or conservative in that she went way beyond her vows?

I guess it's conservative because while it was macabre, it was completely heterosexual.

Although I hope ... not TOO completely.

Now this.

[One survey of church goers by the Barna Research Group came up with the following divorce rates for church goers. Lutherans 21%, Catholics 21%, Mormons 24%, Mainline Protestants 25%, Baptists 29%, non-denominational conservative Christians having the highest divorce rate at 34%.] 
Index 

CBS NATIONAL GUARD
Moved: 2/10/2004 8:58
CBS-NATIONAL GUARD 2/10/2004

Are we really going to argue this all over again? This is DR...

Suddenly, the Presidential campaign isn't about the economy, or Iraq -- it's about Vietnam.

As John Kerry campaigns in the south, he's pretty sure no one's much interested in hearing about how he favors gays in the military, or requiring trigger locks, so he's decided to point out that having served in Vietnam, he knows what it's like to carry an M-16 in another country thousands of miles away.

A not-so-subtle reminder that George W. Bush did not go to Vietnam, and that some of his service records from the National Guard are missing. 

So yesterday, Kerry's opponents exhumed a 1970 picture showing him with Jane Fonda, who for conservatives personifies "traitor."

Then today we find that George Bush's records from the National Guard are NOT missing after all, the White House DOES have them, and they indicate he DID show up for duty, and he has the retirement points to prove it.

And so last night I found myself digging into the back of the bookshelf for my old Vietnam books, and I was up again this morning reading about service points, retirement points, number of duty days, why was this document missing, why is it here now -- are we REALLY going to spend the next NINE months on a 30 year old debate? 

At least Clinton's bimbos were relatively recent.

I can drag out all the old Vietnam debating points, but does anybody REALLY want to go through that shredder again? Haven't there been a FEW other important issues since then?

We TRADE with Vietnam now! We import frozen catfish filets from the Mekong Delta!

So how about a truce?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BUSH
Moved: 2/10/2004 6:29
CBS-BUSH 2/09/2004

What is the fuss about? This is DR...

After watching the President on Meet the Press, I don't know what all the fuss is about. I think some people expected him to throw himself at Tim Russert's feet and beg forgiveness.

But instead, we learned that things are going pretty well.

I heard him say that jobs are on the way:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush1 020804 NEW JOBS
Time: 4s
Out-cue: ]["There is good momentum when it comes to the creation of new jobs."]

I heard him say that the world IS on our side:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush1 020804 INTL PARTICIPATION
Time: 12s
Out-cue: ][There's a lot of participation by the international community in restoring this infrastructure of the country of Iraq that Saddam Hussein just totally- well I shouldn't say totally - but destroyed a lot of..."]

I heard him say that the terrorists are on the run:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush1 020804 AL QAEDA KILLED
Time: 5s
Out-cue: ]["I keep saying in my speeches two thirds of known Al Qaeda leaders have been captured or killed and that's the truth."]

And I heard him say that the Iraqi people welcome us:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush1 020804 WE ARE WELCOMED
Time: 6s
Out-cue: ][I think we're all welcomed in Iraq. I'm not exactly sure because of the tone of your question... we are welcomed in Iraq.]

SO WHAT is all the griping about? 

Oh, I know -- because we didn't find "the weapons", how could the President argue that Iraq was an imminent threat? Well, HELLO! Maybe you need to re-aim your satellite dishes, people, he never said there was an imminent threat:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush 020804 GRAVE AND GATHERING THREAT (EXC)
Time: 3s
Title: bush 020804 GRAVE AND GATHERING THREAT (EXC)
In-cue: part of PARSING cut
Out-cue: ]["In my language I call it a 'grave and gathering threat'"]

A GRAVE AND GATHERING THREAT. Get it straight. 

Were you really expecting an apology?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>justin timberlake 020804 APOLOGIZES
Time: 6s
Out-cue: ][TIMBERLAKE: "What occurred was unintentional, completely regrettable, and I apologize if you guys were offended."]

No. In America, you apologize for SEX - never for war.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NADER
Moved: 2/6/2004 9:00
CBS-NADER 2/6/04

Is he back? This is DR...

With Howard Dean's prospects dimming.... it means that another candidate may decide to take up his anti-corporate message:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>nader1
Time: 3s
Title: nader1
Out-cue: MORE VOICES AND CHOICES]

Yes - Consumer crusader Ralph Nader is considering another run. 

Democrats blame him for stealing votes from Al Gore in 2000, but he predicts that a lot of the votes he'd steal in 2004 would come from a disenchanted conservative movement:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>nader3
Time: 18s
Title: nader3
Out-cue: By Big Government]

Interesting theory, although, when I talked to some of Nader's past supporters, they weren't buying it:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>nader5
Time: 18s
Title: nader5
Out-cue: Hope he doesn't]

Not EXACTLY a groundswell, but in politics anything can happen.

By the way -- just in case he does run -- I wanted to be the first to confront Ralph Nader with the defining question in the '04 campaign:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>nader4
Time: 6s
Title: nader4
Out-cue: Outrageous Prices]

He says he thinks its WAY overpriced.

Now this.
This is DR... 
Index 

CBS BRUCIA
Moved: 2/6/2004 9:00
CBS-BRUCIA 2/06/2004

No happy ending this time. This is DR....

Carlie Brucia, age 11, has been found dead. It leads all the newscasts because it is every parent's worst fear: Losing a child without warning. Losing a child NOT because she was involved in a bad crowd, or in some gang, but who was just taking a shortcut -- right in front of a security camera, for heaven's sake! 

Or more accurately, an in-security camera, because the video it captured is the scariest part of all. No struggle. She walks past, he grabs her hand, they walk away. No fight.

And it's different than losing a child to a disease, or an accident -- because it's INTENTIONAL. Somebody deliberately stole the most precious part of your life.

And when ALL our weapons -- cameras, cops, Amber Alerts; when all the Kings horses and all the King's men can't undo the evil -- you know what happens next:

People demand pre-emptive action. It doesn't matter that random abductions are statistically rare -- once you see the video, all you know is that guys like this have to be stopped.

To quote from the newspaper coverage: "Joseph Smith, 37, an auto mechanic with a former kidnapping-false imprisonment charge that a jury freed him on in 1997, has several prior arrests and convictions. He was being held ... on a violation of probation (SLASH) drug charge."

If you want to know why we have mandatory drug sentences, if you want to know why we have three-strike laws, if you want to know why we have the death penalty, it's cases like this.

Because in cases like this, the only question is ... how many volts.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PRIMARY RESULTS
Moved: 2/4/2004 8:59
CBS-PRIMARY RESULTS 2/4/2004

A strange confidence. This is DR...

Something is happening among democrats. There is a strange confidence.

Democrats are giddy about something.

And I think I know what it is:

It's because none of the speeches they've been listening to sound like this:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>gore excerpt1
Time: 16s
Title: gore1
Out-cue: climate change....]
"The president's... selective use of... the threat posed by Iraq..."

Iraq and climate change. Now, of course, this cut is from a speech to an academic audience with above-average verbal skills. But it reminds us that listening to Al Gore ... was a little like being stuck on the top of the ferris wheel.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>gore excerpt2
Time: 11s
Title: gore excerpt2
Out-cue: checks and balances]
"I each case... president seems to have been pursuing policy chosen well in advance of the facts..."

OK, OK... You see, it's an excellent point, but I believe what he's really trying to say is:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>KERRY-8
Time: 9s
Title: KERRY-8
Out-cue: THIS COUNTRY]
"The most arrogant, inept, reckless, and ideological foreign policy in the modern history of this country."

Or stated another way...

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>gore except3
Time: 8s
Title: gore except3
Out-cue: central doctrine]

Ooops. Wrong cut:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>KERRY-1
Time: 4s
Title: KERRY-1
Out-cue: YOU'RE DONE]
"Like father, like son, one term, and you're done."
THERE you go. Sometimes, there IS such a thing as thinking too much.

Now this.

Index 

CBS SUPERBOWL
Moved: 2/2/2004 12:05
CBS-SUPERBOWL 2/2/2004

Boy, the TiVo got a workout yesterday. This is DR...

It's good that the President is planning to investigate that bum info about the weapons of mass destruction.... but now we have a whole NEW scandal on our hands. How is it, despite all that security, Al Qaeda was able to sneak a Woman of Mass Seduction into a nice healthy superbowl halftime show?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>superbowl 020104 RIPS IT OFF
Time: 19s
Out-cue: ]

[I thought Justin was going to get Janet pregnant right there.

Instead he merely pulled off her right breast cup, suddenly making high definition television worth every penny.

"Q:...rrrrip!"

CBS is SHOCKED that it could happen -- as are we all, considering that the thing appeared to be RIVETED ON.

Justin called it a "wardrobe malfunction." Accidental. Including that accidental pastie on her nipple. In other words, they think we're IDIOTS.

But frankly the malfunction began long before that. 

Did you hear Kid Rock?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>superbowl 020104 KID ROCK SHORT
Time: 28s
Title: superbowl 020104 KID ROCK SHORT
Out-cue: ]

[Q:... the cynics.]

[Let me help you with the lyrics:

All the crackheads, the critics, the cynics
And all my heros in the Methodone Clinics
All you bastards in the IRS
For the shots of jack and the caps of meth

Q:...get in the pit and try to love someone."

Yeah! And now, LET'S PLAY SOME NICE HEALTHY FOOTBALL!]

And then ... just as you're bringing the kids back into the room -- the Cialis commercial comes on:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>superbowl 020104 FOUR HOURS
Time: 4s
Out-cue: ]

And all of this on the same network that banned the "moveon.org commercial about the national debt" as being against network policy.

Next year -- how about a nice marching band?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS JACKSON !
Moved: 1/30/2004 8:48
CBS-JACKSON 01/16/04
Michael Jackson arraigned. This is DR...
The northeast may be colder than Mars, Iraq is hurtling headlong into elections it may not be ready for, America is hurtling headlong into elections it may not be ready for, but if you go by the sheer number of reporters, the most important news in the country today is Michael Jackson's arraignment.
Hundreds of them are beaming this latest image of America to a world that looks to us for moral guidance.
Even Marcia Clark is there -- former prosecutor in the last trial of the century, the OJ simpson case -- now a reporter for Entertainment Tonight.
Said she "It's a bizarre world."
So true. Because even though the trial could still be a year away, today's arraignment starts the clock ticking. It will soon be time ... to choose up sides.
And this being America, we have to choose up sides by race.
The white people have to root one way, and the black people have to root the other way. Otherwise this is just a story about a mother dopey enough to drop her kid off at the King of Weird's house.
The problem is... see, I know he's a member of A race, I'm just not sure which one at this point.
Which means that instead of picking sides based on whether we're black or white, we MAY have to pick sides based on ...whether our plastic surgery went well or not.
You'll have the people with pointy noses and lipstick gathered around one TV to root FOR Michael, and around the other TV... people who look like arrogant district attorneys.
And then around the third TV... people who look like Marcia Clark. Rooting for the ONE group that wins no matter what.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS OSAMA !
Moved: 1/30/2004 8:46
CBS-OSAMA 1/30/2004

Look whose name is back in the news. This is DR...

According to a story in the Chicago Tribune, the Defense Department is planning a spring offensive to capture or kill Osama bin Laden.

Hey!

I remember that name from somewhere!

But Dave, you say, haven't we been actively hunting for him since 2001? What's the big deal? 

The big deal is that somebody in the government leaked a story implying that THIS time, in addition to hunting him, we plan to GET him. And one reason we're so confident of getting him, according to the officials who leaked the story, is that with Saddam in the cooler, it frees up a whole lot of soldiers ... to look for the guy who actually attacked us.

The big debate NOW is between the State Department, which wants to confine the hunt to Afghanistan -- and the Pentagon, which wants permission to go hunting across the border in Pakistan, apparently because that's where Osama actually is.

The problem there is that the government of Pakistan has said absolutely NOT.

But to the government of Pakistan, I just say this. Osama bin Laden has a unique standing in America. He is the one weapon of mass destruction that EVERYONE agrees on here.

And I don't think I need to remind you of the ground rules when it comes to weapons of mass destruction -- especially ground rule number one, which is, we make the ground rules. You don't really HAVE to have Osama for us to bomb you. We just have to THINK you have Osama for us to bomb you. And if we bomb you and it turns out you NEVER had Osama, that's YOUR problem.

So I would suggest that you cough him up right now, whether you have him or not.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NEW HAMPSHIRE WEDS
Moved: 1/30/2004 8:45
CBSKERRY WINS 1/28/2004

The election that ate my brain. This is DR... on the CBS Radio Network.
Why did John Kerry win the New Hampshire primary.

Is it because he has a more Presidential temperament than Howard Dean; is
it
his stand on taxes; is it because he has a better health care plan?

Well I've been talking to voters for three days now, and I get the clear
impression that NONE of them could recite the differences between the
health
care plans of Kerry, Dean, Clark, Edwards, Lieberman  even IF they'd
visited the web sites. I mean, who could? I can't. Same with their tax
plans. Their energy plans. Their plans for  see I can't even remember
what they have plans for!

The human mind has only so much capacity. At some point you give up and
start asking yourself which wife would make a better first lady. You need
an easytoremember catch phrase.

And here's where I think Howard Dean made his mistake. His big catch
phrase
is when he lists all the countries that have national health care. "The
British and the Japanese and the Germans and the French, the Israelis, the
Canadians, the Italians, the Irish, the Norwegians, the Swedes, and
finally
even Costa Rica." The crowds try to recite it with him, but they can't
remember all the names. Plus he keeps changing the order. He would
always
END with Costa Rica... but hearing a thousand people yell "Costa Rica" ...
what does it mean? That they wish they were someplace warmer?
By contrast, John Kerry found a phrase that everyone can memorize, and he
sets it up the same way every time. "If George Bush Wants to make
National
Security the central issue of this camapaign, we have three words for him
we
know he understands:"
TAPE: BRING IT ON
And the beauty of that is, he knows those are three words that President
prefers people NOT remember. 
Index 

CBS NEW HAMPSHIRE TUES
Moved: 1/30/2004 8:44
CBSHILLARY NOW 1/27/2004

One last push. This is DR on the CBS Radio Network, from New Hampshire.

There I was in the Merrimack Restaurant in Manchester, navigating through
a
stream of important people. I interviewed the Mayor of Manchester. I
interviewed Joe Lieberman's Mom. I interviewed Teresa Kerry, about how
she
met John. Even Wesley Clark came right up and said hello... although he
didn't stay too long:

CLARK :03

And then there's Bob Kunst:

KUNST 1 :10

Bob set up HillaryNow.com  he thinks of it as an insurance policy for
the
Democratic party:

KUNST 5 :06

His dream... yes, that when New Hampshirities fill out their ballots, they
will write in Hillary Clinton.

KUNST 4 :08

One teensy problem  she's not running. Oh, but she will, says Bob, when
no Democrats can get a majority of the delegates at the convention:

KUNST 2 :10

And... hell could freeze over. Of course it is about 7 degrees here. 
Index 

CBS NEW HAMPSHIRE MON
Moved: 1/30/2004 8:43
CBSOTHER AMERICA 01/26/04

New Hampshire  the party state. This is DR... today from Nashua New
Hamshire.

Well if you can't get the Golden Globe gig this is the next best thing.
Everywhere you go there's a party with cheering crowds, celebrities, and
rock music, and if you can draw breath, you're invited.

New Hampshire the day before the primary is like a giant Petting Zoo for
Democratic candidates.

I've been to two John Edwards rallies, a huge John Kerry Rally, and an
intimate Joe Lieberman Forum.

And if you want stars... how about Glenn Close, Mary Steenbergen, and Ted
Danson.

If you want dessert  Lieberman had ice cream Sundaes and chocolates at
the
Puritan Restaurant in Manchester. And if you want tax cuts  most of
the
candidates are handing those out too, PROVIDED you make less than 200,000
a
year. They're Democrats, remember.

And if you wear a crazy hat, or a silver space suit, you could score 15
seconds on the local news or even a CSPAN cutaway.

The only people NOT having fun are members of the press, who spend the
rallies staring at cameramens' behinds... and, oh yes  the frazzled
manager of a bowling alley where John Edwards showed up hoping to bowl
with
members of the OTHER America he keeps talking about:

TAPE 

You see, it was league night, and it turns out that on league night, the
OTHER America doesn't want a speech; it wants to bowl.

TAPE

In fact, the OTHER America called in the Merrimack police department.

TAPE

That's why the White House has its own bowling alley.

Now this.
>
>
>
> 
Index 

CBS_SAT JERVIS
Moved: 1/30/2004 7:02
CBS-SAT-JERVIS 1/29/2004

These things happen. This is DR...

When you're gathering military intelligence, you have to have time to interpret it:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>jervis2
Time: 4s
Title: Satellite pictures need interp
Out-cue: ]

Robert Jervis is a professor and CIA expert at Columbia who says the problem with the Iraq intel isn't that it was faked... 
The real story, he says, is that in the six months before the war, the CIA wasn't even concentrating on finding weapons of mass destruction. Because the administration had different needs:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>jervis4
Time: 15s
Title: How CIA got off track
Out-cue: ]

But they found nothing:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>jervis5
Time: 10s
Title: Go back and check
Out-cue: ]

No one made anything up. The problem, says Dr. Jervis, is all the time they wasted looking at the wrong thing:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>jervis6
Time: 9s
Title: Diverted attention
Out-cue: ]

One consolation. We weren't the only ones fooled:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>jervis7
Time: 11s
Title: No one got it right
Out-cue: ]

But I bet they do next time.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NEW HAMPSHIRE WEDS
Moved: 1/30/2004 7:02
CBSKERRY WINS 1/28/2004
>
> The election that ate my brain. This is DR... on the CBS Radio Network.
> Why did John Kerry win the New Hampshire primary.
>
> Is it because he has a more Presdiential temperament than Howard Dean; is
it
> his stand on taxes; is it because he has a better health care plan?
>
> Well I've been talking to voters for three days now, and I get the clear
> impression that NONE of them could recite the differences between the
health
> care plans of Kerry, Dean, Clark, Edwards, Lieberman  even IF they'd
> visited the web sites. I mean, who could? I can't. Same with their tax
> plans. Their energy plans. Their plans for  see I can't even remember
> what they have plans for!
>
> The human mind has only so much capacity. At some point you give up and
> start asking yourself which wife would make a better first lady. You need
> an easytoremember catch phrase.
>
> And here's where I think Howard Dean made his mistake. His big catch
phrase
> is when he lists all the countries that have natioal health care. "The
> British and the Japanese and the Germans and the French, the Israelis, the
> Canadians, the Italians, the Irish, the Norwegians, the Swedes, and
finally
> even Costa Rica." The crowds try to recite it with him, but they can't
> remember all the names. Plus he keeps changign the order. He would
always
> END with Costa Rica... but hearing a thousand people yell "Costa Rica" ...
> what does it mean? That they wish they were someplace warmer?
> By contrast, John Kerry found a phrase that everyone can memorize, and he
> sets it up the same way every time. "If George Bush Wants to make
National
> Security the central issue of this camapaign, we have three words for him
we
> know he understands:"
> TAPE: BRING IT ON
> And the beauty of that is, he knows those are three words that President
> prefers people NOT remember.
> 
Index 

CBS WMD MISSING
Moved: 1/29/2004 8:38
CBS-WMD MISSING 1/29/2004

Please tell me it's a misprint. This is DR...

Weapons inspector David Kay has now made it official. Everybody was wrong. Iraq's banned weapons aren't there.

He hastens to add that Iraq WAS clearly in violation of the UN resolution, because it didn't turn over the right papers. So the war was legally justified. 

OK -- he's way smarter than most of us. But ... THAT'S just not the story we we were getting a year ago.

A year ago there was no ambiguity:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>CBS-245 POWELL UN
Time: 12s
Title: CBS-245 POWELL UN
Out-cue: battlefield rockets]

And a year ago, there was no doubt about the consequences if those weapons were not found:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bushspeech6shorter
Time: 7s
Title: bushspeech6short SHORTER
Out-cue: ]

So either they were moved before we got there, and we are no safer, or they were never there, and we look like idiots.

Now, David Kay makes the point that this isn't the first time intelligence has been wrong. During the Cuban Missile crisis, the intelligence was wrong too. The intelligence services told President Kennedy there were NO nuclear warheads in Cuba, when in fact there were.

Of course the outcome in that case was a little different. President Kennedy, unwilling to risk a nuclear war even though the CIA assured him it was safe, chose to use peaceful means to get rid of the missiles. 

As a result a guy named Castro is STILL in power in Cuba. 

And no one cares.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NEW HAMPSHIRE2
Moved: 1/23/2004 8:59
CBS-NEW HAMPSHIRE2 1/23/2004

What the New Hampshire Primary is REALLY about. This is DR...

Four years ago, Joe Lieberman and fellow Senator Slade Gorton got sick and tired of New Hampshire having the first primary.

They described the tradition as a "BIZARRE RITUAL" that compromises the integrity of the nominating process. They also thought that eating doughnuts in New Hampshire was the wrong way to select the Leader of the Free World."

Therefore, four years ago, he and Lieberman proposed a rotating primary -- where OTHER states would get a chance to be first.

And that's why Lieberman got this question at the Thursday debate:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>lieberman 012204 SAVE NEW HAMPSHIRE
Time: 28s
Title: lieberman 012204 SAVE NEW HAMPSHIRE
Out-cue: ]

Wow! So that's what this is REALLY about! Fawning all over New Hampshirians every four years! Guaranteeing that everyone who becomes president will first have to get past this man:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>dean 012204 COW QUESTION
Time: 15s
Out-cue: ]

As do we all.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NEW HAMPSHIRE
Moved: 1/23/2004 8:58
CBS-NEW HAMPSHIRE 1/23/2004

Howard Dean discovers his inner quiet place. This is DR... 

Candidate Howard Dean is on the traditional mea culpa tour.

He's made fun of himself on Letterman, sat down for a heart-to-heart with Diane, and calls attention to his faults at campaign rallies:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>dean 012204 DEAN WARTS
Time: 30s
Out-cue: ]... is you."

[But how did it happen? How could Howard Dean not realize what he was doing to himself? I think I know. The Washington post revealed that Howard Dean, former Governor of Vermont, DOESN'T HAVE CABLE. That's right. He uses a plain old ANTENNA. Well, my friends, I've been to Vermont, and let me tell you -- living in Vermont without CABLE] ... you might as well be staring at a screen waiting for a message from the Mars Rover. 

So... not only did he not see the clip, he has no idea at all how his campaign is going. He can't surf the cable commentators to understand the true meaning behind his speeches.

I just hope he's learned his lesson. Number one, get cable NOW, and number two -- never, ever display even the slightest hint of anger or arrogance in public. It is ugly, it is unpresidential, and the American people will not tolerate it:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Legal Papers No Good SHORT
Time: 8s
Title: Legal Papers No Good SHORT
Out-cue: ]

[Wellll.... maybe in SOME cases we do.]

Now this. 
Index 

CBS VOTE
Moved: 1/23/2004 8:58
CBS-VOTE 1/22/2004

Leave something for the rest of us, OK? This is DR...

Remember how the 2000 election was messed up when the networks called Florida an hour too early?

Well look what's happening in the Democratic race. 

John Kerry has just about been declared the winner. Three new polls today show him thumping Howard Dean. I mean, OK, Howard Dean was scary, but I'd like there to be SOMETHING left of him by the time I get to vote.

And by the way -- what gave Iowa the right to kick out Dick Gephardt? There are 49 other states! Plus Guam, Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands.

Suppose I'D wanted a chance not to vote for Dick Gephardt. All these unions in other states endorsed him, but because a few people in Iowa decided to stand in the living room instead of the TV room, he's gone! Career over! 

Iowa and New Hampshire have exactly 1.55% of the delegates, but they change everything! Even the losers who survive are completely different by the time these states finish with them.

Howard Dean especially. According to the New York Times, he will start focusing on health care and the economy instead of Iraq, and, even more significantly, he will overhaul his image. He now plans to present himself as a mature and dignified campaigner.

So instead of ... 

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>dean yell
Time: 4s
Title: dean yell
Out-cue: ]

It will be (HIGH) ... 

"Let us contemplate victory, good fellows! Huzzah!"

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Classical Mozart
Time: 5s
Title: Classical Mozart
Out-cue: ]

No, I want him to go ballistic in MY state!

What does it take for the rest of us to get a chance to vote? Maybe if we hold up pictures of an Ayatollah. 
Index 

CBS STATE OF UNION
Moved: 1/21/2004 11:19
CBS-STATE OF THE UNION 1/21/04

Let's go to the applause meter! This is DR...

A state of the union doesn't just tell you what the President thinks. It's also a window into the collective mind of Congress.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Patriot Act
Time: 16s
Title: Patriot Act
Out-cue: ]

[A little protest applause from civil libertarians ... but then.... (APPLAUSE) ...Yeah! Message -- in this Congress, security still beats liberty.]

OK... But how to explain THIS one:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Marriage And Dignity SHORT
Time: 42s
Title: Marriage And Dignity SHORT
Out-cue: ]

[Applause! --- Even cheers! -- It goes on for 18 seconds. Clearly Congress likes the idea that he has taken a strong stand for traditional morality, affirming that marriage is between a man and a woman. And then, he takes his moral tradition one step FUTHER.] 

Q:... in God's sight" (WAIT) 

[See? What was that? Silence. Until one brave clapper figures out that was supposed to be an applause line!]

At a speech where they'll clap for just about ANYthing, apparently BOTH sides of the aisle had to THINK about whether "everybody has dignity and value!"

I guess there are no poll numbers for that yet.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS IOWA DEAN
Moved: 1/20/2004 8:41
CBS-IOWA-DEAN 1/20/04

Horror in Iowa. This is DR...

You could tell things were going wrong when the nice woman running the caucus in Adair, Iowa made the room assignments:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>room assignment
Time: 9s
Title: Dean on Sun Porch
Out-cue: ]

No, you could tell early on this was not going to be a good night for Howard Dean.

Howard Dean, however, didn't see it that way:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>deanshout1
Time: 1s
Title: deanshout1
Out-cue: ]

And let's be absolutely fair. All politicians shout when they get excited. 

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>deanshout2
Time: 1s
Title: deanshout2
Out-cue: ]

But last night, somewhere between the words "South and Carolina," Howard Dean decided to become the first American politician to actually go through an exorcism on live television:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>deanshout3
Time: 25s
Title: deanshout3
Out-cue: ]

[TAPE:... and New Mexico"]
[INSERT You could see demons flying out of his mouth!]

[TAPE... and New York"]
[INSERT Many of them named after states with major primaries:]

[TAPE:... take back the White House"]
[INSERT Until finally -- as campaign workers watched in amazement:]

[TAPE: AAAAAARGH!]

His head started spinning like a top!

I'm only sorry that, because of the time difference, so many children on the West Coast had to see it. 

Now, demonic possession is never pretty, but at least it happened early in the campaign.

And -- I haven't checked with the experts on this, but it might actually help Dean in the Bible Belt, where they're MUCH more comfortable about dealing with that sort of thing.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS IOWA
Moved: 1/19/2004 9:53
CBS-IOWA 1/19/2004

Spreading Democracy! This is DR.

You remember all that stuff about planting democracy in Iraq?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush 041503 SHORT DEMOCRACY FLOURISH
Time: 7s
Title: bush SHORT
Out-cue: ]

People were skeptical back in April when the President made that statement.

But look at the streets of Baghdad! By one estimate a hundred thousand people marched peacefully today demanding direct elections!

FINALLY they want democracy!

The only trouble is, now we're the ones who don't.

Because, you see, when we said Democracy, we meant a certain KIND of a Democracy. The kind of Democracy where Iraqis will be free to choose from among candidates ... that WE'VE picked.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush 041003 SHORT
Time: 2s
Title: We will help you
Out-cue: ]

See-- "WE will help you" is what he said.

Where did they get this idea that you can just hold a snap election where anybody who wants -- gets to run?

You do it that way, your country could end up being governed by a body-builder-turned-film-star. And then we'd have to start the war all over again. 

No, instead of all that marching, the Iraqis need to pick up a copy of the Des Moines Register so they can learn how a MODERN democracy chooses its leaders.

You have your candidates campaign in a small rural state where unelected candidate-pickers then meet in their rec rooms to decide who had the firmer handshake at the pancake breakfast. 

This is crucial, because only by letting a farm state make the first cut will you safeguard the one fundamental feature of any serious democracy -- that your gasoline will always have ethanol in it.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS MILLIONAIRES
Moved: 1/16/2004 8:56
CBS-MILLIONAIRES 1/14/04

I KNEW I was right! This is DR...

The President is considering a 1.5 billion dollar program to encourage marriage among poor Americans. And earlier this week I pointed out it would be far better to encourage poor people to marry RICH people. Right? 

OK, perhaps I was being arch.

But then I talked to Patti Stanger:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>stanger2
Time: 19s
Title: stanger2
Out-cue: threatened]

Patti is founder of the Millionaire's Club. Rich men pay 10,000 and up to meet not-so-rich women, who can register free. The goal: an inter-income marriage: And do CEO's really marry Wal-Mart Clerks?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>stanger3
Time: 20s
Title: stanger3
Out-cue: ]

In any case, it sound like the President should just encourage people to to sign up with Patti's service. Which is free to low income women.

By the way... Patti would be happy to register low income MEN, and match them up with rich WOMEN -- but so far, no rich women seem interested.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>stanger4
Time: 1s
Title: stanger4
Out-cue: ]

There's a surprise.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS JACKSON
Moved: 1/16/2004 8:55
CBS-JACKSON 01/16/04
Michael Jackson arraigned. This is DR...
The northeast may be colder than Mars, Iraq is hurtling headlong into elections it may not be ready for, America is hurtling headlong into elections it may not be ready for, but if you go by the sheer number of reporters, the most important news in the country today is Michael Jackson's arraignment.
Hundreds of them are beaming this latest image of America to a world that looks to us for moral guidance.
Even Marcia Clark is there -- former prosecutor in the last trial of the century, the OJ simpson case -- now a reporter for Entertainment Tonight.
Said she "It's a bizarre world."
So true. Because even though the trial could still be a year away, today's arraignment starts the clock ticking. It will soon be time ... to choose up sides.
And this being America, we have to choose up sides by race.
The white people have to root one way, and the black people have to root the other way. Otherwise this is just a story about a mother dopey enough to drop her kid off at the King of Weird's house.
The problem is... see, I know he's a member of A race, I'm just not sure which one at this point.
Which means that instead of picking sides based on whether we're black or white, we MAY have to pick sides based on ...whether our plastic surgery went well or not.
You'll have the people with pointy noses and lipstick gathered around one TV to root FOR Michael, and around the other TV... people who look like arrogant district attorneys.
And then around the third TV... people who look like Marcia Clark. Rooting for the ONE group that wins no matter what.
Now this. 
Index 

FATTEEN.CBS 01/06/04 8:13
Moved: 1/15/2004 12:05
FATTEEN.CBS 01/06/04 8:13 AM-DLR 1:21
And now there's ANOTHER study saying we're too fat. This is DR...
I don't know if America's image can stand many more reports like this, but here it is again... another report that teenagers in the United States are too fat. 
This study compares obesity rates among 30,000 youngsters in 15 industrialized countries, and found that among 13 and 15 year olds, Americans CRUSH the competition.
Taking just one age group, 15 year olds: 15 percent of the girls and nearly 14 percent of boys were obese, and 31 percent of girls and 28 percent of boys were edging in that direction. 
And here's the kicker - being at the top of the list means our kids are even fatter than the kids of France and Germany, which gives them one more excuse not to join the coalition of the willing.
The reasons we top the list? Because our kids never met a soft drink they didn't like.
I had a kid once call me up and ask for help breaking his Mountain Dew habit. He said he was a two-bottle-a-week man. I told him he's one of the lucky ones. I've been guys knock back a bottle of Dew a day. Those bottles supposedly have two servings but you KNOW they're not sharing with a friend - unless it's that little voice in their head whispering "SUGAR must have Sugar."
Greece, the next fattest country in the study, had only one THIRD the obesity rate. And this is even more serious when you consider the data was collected in 1998 which means these kids are 21 years old now.
It's gotta stop people. If this continues we're looking at a serious national security problem. Our kids won't fit through the metal detectors.
Now this.
~C:\works\files\FATTEEN.CBS 
Index 

CBS IOWA
Moved: 1/15/2004 9:54
CBS-IOWA 1/15/2004

The key to victory. This is DR...

Activists from around the country are now streaming into Iowa to get out the caucus vote. 

IOWANS are getting their homes ready: Dean people will get the larger rooms like the living room, Kerry the Dining Room, Gephardt the kitchen nook, and Kucinich people? They'll arrange themselves around the treadmill in the basement.

But -- as this local TV reporter pointed out -- you first have to FIND your caucus site:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>who tv cut 1
Time: 3s
Title: who tv cut 1
Out-cue: ]

Indeed it could. And so the Secretary of state has set up an easy three-step on-line process:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>who tv cut 2
Time: 16s
Title: who tv cut 2
Out-cue: ](Yes... uh huh... OK)

Right. Got it. And if you do all that and punch in the right number... the Rover makes a left turn.

Yikes! The leadership of the free world is at stake here!

Which is why the campaign organizations have come up with a plan B:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>who tv 011404 PLAN B
Time: 6s
Out-cue: ]

"Here's where you go!" See, now THAT'S effective. But it's up to the CANDIDATES to hand out the "Here's where you go" door hangers. And so -- that's what it will come down to in Iowa. 

Who can control the door knobs.

No wonder Carol Moseley Braun is dropping out. She had a strong message, yes -- but not enough door hangers.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MARRIAGE
Moved: 1/14/2004 8:30
CBS-MARRIAGE 1/14/2004

Healthy marriage! This is DR...

According to the New York Times, administration officials are planning an extensive election-year initiative to promote marriage, especially among low-income couples.
And it's about time. Any Jerry Springer episode will show you that federal marriage intervention is long overdue. 
So the President would spend 1.5 billion dollars to train poor couples to develop the interpersonal skills that sustain "healthy marriages."
Healthy STRAIGHT marriages, let me hasten to add. This program will NOT be available to gay people, because I guess for them, the official federal policy is wild promiscuity.
The only trouble is this: the healthy marriage initiative is overlooks one thing. If the idea is to lift a poor person out of poverty, what good does it do to have a program that encourages poor people to marry OTHER poor people?
Because now you have two people, BOTH poor, who will have children, who will ALSO be poor -- unless they have basketball talent in which case they will be poor until the tenth grade, or whenever it is the NBA starts recruiting these days.
The key is not for the poor to marry the poor, the key is for the poor to marry the RICH. You know, so the poor at least have a chance of getting a tax cut.
And the Republicans are perfectly suited to do this because I believe they have a LIST of all the rich people.
Just set up a data bank... that matches millionaires with Wal-Mart clerks.
That shouldn't cost anywhere NEAR 1.5 billion dollars, which is good, because then you'll have plenty of money to buy the liquor and get them both drunk.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS O'NEILL
Moved: 1/13/2004 8:36
CBS-O'NEILL 1/13/2004

Secret... documents. This is DR...

The Treasury Department plans to investigate how Treasury documents stamped ``secret'' wound up on CBS's 60 Minutes Sunday.

Former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill displayed the documents during the interview where he dropped this alleged bombshell about the Bush presidency:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>oneill 011104 SADDAM DAY ONE -SHORT
Time: 8s
Title: oneill 011104 SADDAM DAY ONE -SHORT
Out-cue: ]

I say alleged bombshell, because -- OK, maybe we didn't know that the President planned to topple Saddam from Day 1, but we certainly knew it after Day 9/11. 

And sure enough, the President admitted to reporters yesterday in Mexico: Yeah -- my policy was regime change, but there was no plan for war until after September 11, when I realized America was no longer protected by oceans.

You know what -- I can recall an epiphany on that day myself.

So if it's all about national security, why is the bi-partisan 9/11 commission having so much trouble getting cooperation? There's your document scandal! Remember the 9/11 commission? Not in the news much, except for little items about how it can't get classified documents about things like our relationship with Saudi Arabia.

That bugs me. Just yesterday we found out that the airlines will have to hand over customer records so the government can decide whether WE can be trusted when we want to fly. OK fine. But then why does Saudi Arabia deserve privacy?

Hey -- this wouldn't be about delaying certain embarrassing disclosures until after the election, would it?

People MIGHT see through that, you know...

Now this. 
Index 

CBS AL SHARPTON
Moved: 1/12/2004 10:35
CBS-AL SHARPTON 1/12/04

Another episode of Make Howard Squirm. This is DR...

It was Al Sharpton who landed the biggest blow in last night's Democratic Debate, when he asked Howard Dean -- did he have ANY minorities in his cabinet as governor:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>dean sharpton 1
Time: 3s
Title: dean sharpton 1 DEBATE
Out-cue: ]

Dean hedged, danced, paused, then retreated:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>dean sharpton 2
Time: 2s
Title: dean sharpton 2 ANSWER
Out-cue: ]

And then he fired back -- with old ammo.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>dean sharpton 3
Time: 7s
Title: dean sharpton 3 TRENT LOTT
Out-cue: ]

I guess he forgot what came out about Trent Lott after his insensitive birthday toast to Strom Thurmond -- that, though his word choice may have been poor, the color of his staff was beyond reproach:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>lott2 SHORT
Time: 7s
Title: lott2
Out-cue: mid nineteen seventies]

Indeed we now know Strom Thurmond himself liked to put black people in some pretty important positions.

Heck, if you want minorities in the cabinet... look at George W Bush: Condoleeza Rice as head of the National Security Council, Rod Paige as Secretary of Education, and of course Colin Powell, who you may recall said THIS during the Republican Convention.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>PowellAffAction SHORT
Time: 16s
Title: PowellAffAction SHORT
Out-cue: ]

Wow! So, if you want to go by the LOOKS of the cabinet -- Al's in the wrong party.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DRIVE THRU HACKER
Moved: 1/9/2004 8:41
CBS-DRIVE THRU HACKER 01/09/04

This is how it starts. This is DR....

Dateline Troy, Michigan. Police believe teenage pranksters are hacking into the wireless frequency of a Burger King drive-through speaker. Some of the messages were laced with the typical teen age obscenity, but in one case, according to police officer Gerry Scherlink, the pranksters told a customer who had just placed an order: "You don't need a couple of Whoppers. You are too fat. Pull ahead."
The voice also told customers who ordered a Coca-Cola that, "We don't have Coke... We don't have anything. Pull ahead."
Management at the Burger King has apologized to the customers, and is trying to change the radio frequency of the drive-thru intercom.

Well this may seem like no more than a prank. But it's the biggest threat to fast food security -- probably in our lifetimes. And at this point, we are helpless to prevent its spread. Security measures for fast food intercoms are notoriously lax. 

What's undoubtedly driving this is we've had THREE studies already this year documenting yet AGAIN the weight epidemic in America, and our uncontrollable attraction to Special Sauce.

Do-gooders have tried everything -- from nutritional brochures to lawsuits -- but the do-gooders have failed. And now the do-badders are stepping in.

This could be the first sign of an underground movement of anti-fat vigilantes -- people who've had to fly next to overweight passengers; people who are tired of the leftovers disappearing.

I say we fingerprint anyone who is thin and looks angry. We have to pre-empt this now before they hack into the drink machines and water down the syrup!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ON TO MARS
Moved: 1/9/2004 8:41
CBS-ON TO MARS 01/09/04

Men on Mars. This is DR...

We'd heard he was going to announce it last month, but he was probably waiting for the Spirit Mars probe to land safely.

In any case, the word is that next week -- President Bush will propose putting Americans back on the Moon for the first time in 30 years; and once that base is up and running... a mission to put men -- and women -- on Mars.

That part would take at least ten years. You have issues of fuel, water, life support -- heck the security check-in ALONE could take a year for a trip like that. But we'll know a lot more about Mars by then, and we certainly know the route.

Yes, I can hear the criticism already... Dave, I know you love the space program, but America can barely handle Iraq, how can we be talking about Mars?

Because stuff like Iraq is precisely why we NEED Mars.

Part of it is because we'd be doing something inspirational again, something that might make kids want to study math and science again; but I'm betting that what appeals to Mr. Bush is that space travel is a challenge that -- unlike the Middle East -- follows an unbending set of rules.

Action and reaction. You may not get it right every time, but at least it's predictable. At least if something goes wrong, you can go back and find out what it was.

It doesn't involve religion, history, ancient grudges, weapons that were there one moment and gone the next.

All it involves is launching a crew on a hazardous 300-million-mile journey to a barren planetary wasteland on a mission where one mistake could mean instant catastrophe.

It would be a relief.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NO WMD
Moved: 1/9/2004 8:41
CBS-NO WMD 1/08/2004

Pretend I didn't bring it up. This is DR...

Because EVERYBODY in the media hates to bring it up. The War in Iraq is BARELY clinging to the front page, except when a chopper goes down.

But tomorrow marks eight months since Saddam's statue came down, and there are a couple of developments you might want file somewhere.

The Washington Post talked to some of the weapons searchers who have been looking for the Weapons of You-Know-What. It also talked to some of the Iraqi scientists responsible for hiding the weapons of You-Know-What. And in an exhaustive story this week, the post concludes -- they weren't there then, and they're not there now.

What Iraq DID hide were the written PLANS to develop weapons which they neither had the manpower nor the facilities to actually build.

That could be why there was THIS headline in my newspaper on A6: "US pulls teams seeking arms in Iraq." The story says the military team that was looking for the weapons that are not there... is leaving. The other team that specializes in destroying chemical weapons is staying, but it's still waiting for something to destroy.

Finally, David Kay, head of the search operation -- will also leave his post before the final report is issued, citing ... personal reasons.

Like maybe he wants a job where there's something to do.

The good news here is that it means we no longer have to call this a pre-emptive war. Because there was nothing to pre-empt.

In fact, I'm beginning to think Iraq's scientists deliberately made us THINK they were up to something, so we'd come in and get rid of their wacky boss.

And we aim to please.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BRITNEY
Moved: 1/7/2004 11:55
CBS-BRITNEY 01/07/2004

Britney and Jason. This is DR

All of us are grappling with the wider meaning of Britney Spears visit to a Las Vegas hitching post to wed childhood friend Jason Alexander, and the even more shocking annulment that seems destined to follow.

Who can blame her -- NO girl wants to wake up next to George Costanza.

But I had trouble understanding the cultural significance of the story until I read this letter in the Seattle Times this morning.

Steve Kinholt writes:

I'm jealous of Britney Spears. She was married at a chapel on the Las Vegas strip. The next day she announced it was a big joke.

I've been with my partner 13 years and the legal system does not allow us to get married, even in Vegas.

And yet any man and woman can run out, get married just for the fun of it, and then have the legal system annul it."

Signed Steve.

Yikes! He's right! If Britney gets her annulment, the whole world will know that heterosexual marriage in this country is a joke.

If Congress is really serious about the special status of straight marriage, they need to step in NOW and make sure that Britney does not get that annulment. Sorry, Britney. Marriage is a sacred thing, and from now on in my eyes, you and Jason remain one flesh. 

By the way in Vermont, where GAY unions have been legal since 2000, you're seeing civil unions between people who've been together for 10, 15, and in one case 27 years. As for fears about a flood of gay weddings, the number's actually dropped off since the law was passed.

But then, gay couples seem to want something called "a commitment" before THEY get married.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BLAME CANADA
Moved: 1/2/2004 8:46
SONG-BLAME CANADA 01/02/04

US beef could be off the hook. This is DR...

As the investigation into that mad cow in Washington State continues, it could be that the problem is NOT on the US side.

News dispatches now indicate the REAL culprit might be tainted feed from Alberta .. where there was a Mad Cow scare early last year. (START)

You know what this means? I have an excuse to update one of my favorite tunes:

Let's do it people:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Blame Canada MONO
Time: 68s
Out-cue: ]
BLAMECAN.SNG 01/02/04 12:11 AMDLR 0:48

Life was calm, as normal as could be
The lights were on, the planes were safe and all the wars were free
We took Iraq, we found Saddam and everything was fine
Until a cow decided to lose her mind.

(WELL) Blame Canada, Blame Canada

How we gonna stay obese
If you keep ruining our beef

Blame Canada, Blame Canada

And your Mounties aren't scaring us a bit.

But that's not all, they also have the gall
To regulate prescription drugs and make the prices fall
So every time your Mom complains she can't afford her bills
Guess which country stole the cheapest pills:

Blame Canada, Blame Canada

Just a country full of thugs, with lousy meat and cheaper drugs

Blame Canada, Blame Canada

(END)
It takes a special kind of creep
To go and sell their drugs so cheap
Before they sent their cattle south
You still could put it in your mouth
They wouldn't help us in Iraq
And now they stab us in the back

And to top it all a lot of them speak French! 
Index 

CBS PLANES CANCELLED
Moved: 1/2/2004 8:45
CBS-PLANES CANCELLED 01/02/2004

Waiting at the airport. This DR...

Security officials have canceled a few flights because of unspecified threats, and everyone wants to know what's going on.

Look -- never over-think air travel.

Even the simplest things about an aircraft are things you don't want to think too hard about. Like when you get bored about two hours into a flight and you start looking around and you realize that you're five miles up, next to a door with a handle that says PULL DOWN TO OPEN.

Sometimes you just have to turn off your brain.

Like when you flush the toilet on some aircraft and blue water goes "kuh-POW" and you realize there are some very powerful forces out there that you just don't find on a bus.

It doesn't pay to over-think it.

As for having to sit in a non-moving plane ... on some runway ... trying to guess from the tone of the cabin attendant's voice how long it will REALLY be... we've all been there. Even pre-Osama. There's snow in Chicago -- doesn't matter that you're nowhere hear Chicago, you're not going anywhere. Or you land, but your gate isn't open -- you would think with all the radar they have, the airport would be expecting you, but sometimes apparently not. We've even had the occasional pilot show up a little too happy for work.

So ... when I hear all these reports about security officials canceling flights and passengers sitting on the ground, I just say... my dear security officials, if you think there is some reason my plane ought not to fly, you just go right ahead and keep it where it is.

I've sat on the ground for plenty of dumber reasons.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NEW YEARS
Moved: 1/1/2004 8:58
CBS-NEW YEARS 01/01/04

My fellow Americans, I think we've done it. This is DR...

I think we've finally done it. We've finally taken to heart all the advice we've been getting over the past two years and have successfully learned to go about our lives.

In fact I'm pleased to announce that every civilian I know spent New Year's going about his or her life.

Moreover, I'll wager more American synapses will be devoted to getting the date right on this week's checks than the orange alert.

Airline passengers long ago went back to worrying more about what gets plopped on their tray tables than who's in the seats.

I was on a nine hour flight from Amsterdam this week, and there were two new cabin announcements as a result of code orange. The captain told us to use the restrooms only in our own area of the plane, and asked that if we got up to walk around that we not gather in groups of more than two.

I can report to you that, as on every long flight, about the time the second movie ended, and people realized they were still three hours from landing, they staggered to whatever bathroom had the shortest line, regardless of whether there were two other people already there or not.

Critics of the alert system say it's just a way for Bush and Cheney to keep us in line; that the whole idea is to scare us into voting for them in November. Well maybe -- but when I think of all the warning systems we have -- hurricane warnings, flood warnings, snow warnings, smog warnings, beef warnings -- the terror warnings now rank somewhere between the leading economic indicators and the car siren. 

Congratulations.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DOWNER CATTLE
Moved: 1/1/2004 8:58
CBS-DOWNER CATTLE 12/31/2003

No more downers. This is DR... 

Every year about 200,000 so-called "downer" cattle are sold for people food. But now, as a result of the mad cow scare, the agriculture secretary has decided that's no longer a good idea:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Veneman DOWNER COWS
Time: 6s
Title: Ann Veneman, Secretary of Agriculture
Out-cue: ]

The thing is, if any of us had KNOWN what downer cattle were, we could have spared you the evident agony of this decision.

Of course the meat industry needs euphemisms. Suburban-raised Americans frankly do not want to know how their meat gets into those tidy packages. And if a DOWNER cow was a cow suffering from mild bovine depression, fine. ANY cow's gonna be depressed once it figures out why its friends keep disappearing. 

But I saw the pictures of these "downer" cattle. These cattle aren't depressed, they're blotto. They just flat can't stand up. The word you're looking for here is not "downer," the word is SICK.

Now when it comes to any issue involving meat, it's hard to know who's leveling with you, because everyone has an agenda. The beef industry wants to be able to sell anything chewable, and the animal rights people want cattle to have the vote.

So I say, just tell consumers the truth, in clear English, and let them decide. "Special today -- rump roasts from sick animals that couldn't stand up."

You see? Because I might buy a BELT made from a sick cow, or shoes, or souvenir key fobs ... but if I'm going to put it in my MOUTH, I want to know that it was happy, well-adjusted, and went to its death under its own power.

Now this. 
Index 

BOEING KIRO
Moved: 12/18/2003 12:33
BOEING-KIRO 12/17/2003

"We are pleased and proud to announce today that the 7E7 will be built in the Global TransPark in North Carolina!"

Suppose all the news today was about the big Celebration in North Carolina, on the 100th anniversary of powered flight, with quotes from Governor Michael Easley about how proud North Carolina is to start a new partnership with Boeing. Suppose we had sound bites of Alan Mulally saying "I'm a tarheel now!" and talking about the high quality employees of North Carolina who would take the company back to the top of the commercial airplane business.

While back here in Washington, proud politicians who opposed the tax breaks were saying -- "we've saved the taxpayers 3.2 billion dollars over twenty years! That means every one of you would get a check for 530 dollars a year for the next 20 years, had Boeing decided to come here anyway. But they didn't so you won't!"

"Heavier than air flight will never work anyway. And now that this is over, we can get back to the business of turning Seattle into a dying 19th century fishing village."

It could have happened. 

Today instead of talking about a state-of-the-art manufacturing plant in Everett, we'd be looking at the world's biggest mini-storage facility.

"Washington will set the pace in Mini-Storage, nothing can stop us now!" Governor Locke would have been saying, putting on a brave face. 

But that's didn't happen. Instead, skilled workers will be building airplanes in that building. As for North Carolina -- well, they got a visit and a speech from the President today! Congratulations.

As for this argument that it's not worth the $150,000 per job in state subsidies... we've subsidized three stadiums, aquariums, museums, Opera House, Symphony Hall, several Universities, crazy things like the Ballard Locks, a wacky highway up Mt. Rainier... and many of us are subsidizing our children.

The bottom line is what you get for your money. 

There is one commercial airplane company left in America. And today, we have it. 
Index 

CBS ARAB DEFEATS
Moved: 12/17/2003 8:55
CBS-ARAB DEFEATS 12/16/2003

Going with the loser. This is DR...

Nicking Saddam brought out all sorts of hand-wringing about the reaction of the Arab street, the cultural insensitivity of showing this once-powerful man disheveled, and on and on.

All this presumes that the Arab people are too difficult for anyone but other Arabs to understand.

But I'm betting the Arab people understand this: they've been led by some real losers.

Regardless of what happens in the Arab street -- in the Arab middle class home, anyone with a brain has figured out that their leaders stink.

Yassir Arafat and Saddam Hussein lose every fight they start and then try to claim moral victory.

As for those modernized oil emirates like Qatar and Saudi Arabia? They're potemkin kingdoms -- owned by Arabs, but operated almost entirely by imported management and labor.

At some point the Arab street will learn that the power it craves does not come through suicide bombers. Just the opposite: the suicide bomber kills economic development, and with it, any chance at the kind of power that would end the humiliation Arabs claim to feel.

Maybe the capture of Saddam will finally make all this clear -- that when you invest in a tyrant, all you end up with is an old man who needs a haircut. If you want REAL strength, invest in a free system that unleashes human creativity.

Look around! More and more countries are discovering an astonishing thing about living in a world with a single superpower. If you want to defeat America, the LAST thing you want is an army. Because you don't have to fight us -- all you have to do is underprice us.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS INTERROGATION
Moved: 12/17/2003 8:55
CBS-INTERROGATION 12/16/2003

Saddam's interrogation will be handled by ... the CIA. This is DR...

And it will actually be a reunion, of sorts. 

According to a UPI report published last April -- the day after Saddam's statue fell -- the CIA's relationship with Saddam goes back at least 40 years, back to the days when we needed him to kill communists.

We've all heard President Bush condemn his treatment of his people:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush 121503 PREJUDICE short
Time: 2s
Title: bush 121503
Out-cue: ]

But back then, those little personality flaws came in handy.

In 1958, there was a coup in Iraq. When the winner of that coup started dealing with the Soviet Union, the CIA wanted regime change. It set up a six-man cell to do the job. Among them, a young thug just starting out, looking for his big break, Saddam Hussein. The plot failed, and Saddam was grazed by a stray bullet for his trouble.

But four years later, when the anti-communist Baath Party finally DID take over Iraq -- the CIA was there again, supplying the Baathists with the names of Communists it wanted eliminated. The Baathists gunned them down. And running their intelligence arm, making sure no Communist escaped, was Saddam Hussein.

So there's a longer history there than we knew. We'll see how much he remembers in the witness stand.

Cynics will say, Dave, if you think the CIA will EVER let this come out, you're dreaming.

Maybe. But was I dreaming when I heard this?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush 121503 FAIR TRIAL short
Time: 3s
Title: bush 121503 FAIR TRIAL short
Out-cue: ]

All the atrocities. The President said it himself.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SCHWARTZ*
Moved: 12/17/2003 8:31
CBS-SCHWARTZ 09/26/03

So who's behind the attacks NOW? This is DR...

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>schwartz 1b
Time: 5s
Title: Stephen Schwartz
Out-cue: ]

Stephen Schwartz is the author of the Two Faces of Islam. A book which argues that our biggest terrorist threat now... is Saudi Arabia.

He says he was thrilled to see Saddam captured, and hopes that reduces the violence in Iraq:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>schwartz 2b
Time: 14s
Title: Stephen Schwartz
Out-cue: ]

Why won't US officials act? Because, says Stephen Schwartz, they're in denial:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>schwartz5
Time: 14s
Out-cue: ]

Yet his sources among Saudi dissidents tell him that it's not crazed Imams who support terrorism -- it's elements within the Saudi royal family. And, he says they have one particular piece of information we could really use:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>schwartz4
Time: 7s
Title: schwartz4
In-cue: He knows WHO knows
Out-cue: ]

Which is why Stephen Schwartz thinks it's time US officials demanded an accounting.

Although ... that little piece of information becomes more and more valuable the closer we get to the election, doesn't it?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQ TIMED
Moved: 12/16/2003 15:23
CBS-IRAQ 12/15/2003

Was it timed, and does it matter? This is DR...

Congressman Jim McDermott, an early opponent of the war, told me on my show yesterday that the timing of Saddam's capture was no accident:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>MCDERMOTT-BENEFIT BUSH
Time: 10s
Title: MCDERMOTT-BENEFIT BUSH
Out-cue: YEAH!...OH YEAH.]

Of course McDermott represents Seattle and may have the safest district in America. Fellow democrat Rick Larsen, who does not, was quick to reply:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>MCDERMOTT-NOT CONSPIRACY
Time: 2s
Title: MCDERMOTT-NOT CONSPIRACY
Out-cue: I DO NOT]

But McDermott is not the only one to question the official story.

In fact, one web site run by former Israeli Intelligence agents -- no liberals they -- posted a report speculating that Saddam was not in hiding, but was rather being held CAPTIVE by kidnappers looking for ransom.

They note his poor grooming, the primitive nature of his hole -- which was difficult enough for those young, thin reporters to climb down into -- and the fact that there wasn't even a phone.

Their conclusion -- Saddam was not in hiding, but rather had been held prisoner while his captors tried to negotiate for the 25 million dollar reward.

Who knows if it's true? But the bottom line is, whether he was hiding or kidnapped, whether his capture was timed or not -- he was basically alone. No hordes of fanatic loyalists rushing to defend him, no fortress stronghold, no plan to fight.

It means that whatever resistance we see from now isn't motivated by fear of Saddam, but either by hatred of us, or because somewhere -- there is a NEW Saddam who DOES have a phone.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DICTATOR BOY UPDATE
Moved: 12/16/2003 15:23
CBS-DICTATOR BOY UPDATE 12/15/2003

This is DR on the CBS Radio Network. Finally -- dancing in the streets:

DICTATO3.SNG 12/14/03 11:50 AMDLR 0:53

BREMER: "We got him"

He had a ploy, to blow up the world 
Everyone thought it was obvious. 
He was a punk, who wanted his way. 
What more can I say? 

Where are the nukes? He wouldn't tell. 
We figured he'd secretly sell them as well. 
He figured we'd wait, that we wouldn't start...
But then he was never too smart...

He's a dictator boy, he'll obey later boy 
Some people never ever learn. 

The lasers were all in place, satellites up in space 
Ready to bomb him back to earth. 

SANCHEZ: "We found him in a hole"

Down in a hole, he's getting some sleep
But neither one is especially deep  
And then it comes, a December surprise 
There's someone outside
Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide
He knows that his butt is about to be fried.
And as he stands parlty undressed 
He screams, "Not the tongue depressor! I confess I confess!"

He's a dictator boy, he'll obey later boy 
Some people never learn. 

Alone in a spider hole
Ain't even got a phone
It's pretty clear who just got burned....
"Who else is running for President?"
~C:\works\files\DICTATO3.SNG

>There are two things everyone agrees on. #1, The months have not been kind to Saddam Hussein: And number 2 isn't it nice to see some real dancing in the streets?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>DictatorCBS
Time: 84s
Out-cue: ]

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>DictatorKIRO
Time: 117s
Out-cue: ] 
Index 

CBS IRAQ CONTRACTS
Moved: 12/12/2003 7:50
CBS-IRAQ CONTRACTS 12/11/2003

Old Europe plays dirty. This is DR....

France, Germany and Russia didn't help with the Iraq war, and now they're off the list of countries eligible to get reconstruction contracts for Iraq. And they're angry. Normally, I wouldn't care. Because we're Americans, and we're bigger and stronger than them, even when 30% of us have the flu.

Except unfortunately, Old Europe is playing dirty.

They're threatening NOT to forgive Iraq's approximately 200 billion dollar debt, which, as Paul Bremer himself told Congress in September, WE are now responsible for:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bremer DEBT 1
Time: 3s
Title: bremer DEBT 1
Out-cue: ]

And if France Germany and Russia remain angry, it means that on top of paying for the War, we'll have to pay off Saddam's debt. I can't stand it!

Let me propose a peaceful solution to this.

If you look at the list of countries eligible for contracts, you notice something very interesting. It includes TONGA. According to the CIA fact book, Tonga's annual military expenditures are (QUOTE) NOT AVAILABLE.

Also on the list - The Solomon Islands. With (QUOTE) "No regular military forces."

I don't know how many troops each of these countries has contributed, but I have a feeling it isn't a lot. What I'm telling Germany, France, and Russia is this -- the bar isn't that high. We're not asking that much.
A few Gendarmes! Russia -- I know you're strapped, but maybe a few cossacks from an old Nutcracker production. Then you're in! You get some work, you forgive the debt, everyone's happy. Otherwise it all goes to Halliburton. Their Tonga branch, of course.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS DEAN ENDORSED
Moved: 12/10/2003 8:49
CBS-DEAN ENDORSED 12/09/03

Al Gore, Kingmaker. This is DR...

Former Vice President Gore has endorsed Howard Dean, and picked the defining issue:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>al gore 120903 QUAGMIRE
Time: 8s
Out-cue: ]

So what does this mean -- other than, that men with stiff upper torsos stick together.

Well Howard Dean is hoping it'll shift the bull's eye:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>howard dean 120903 BUCKSHOT
Time: 3s
Out-cue: ]

-- shift it from him to the President. That's the political calculation at work here. Dean and Gore feel the Democrats took the wrong approach in the off-year elections. Coming off the anniversary of September 11th, some democratic candidates campaigned on their support for the war resolution. It has since backfired -- and made the Democrats look like Republican-lite.

So Dean has gone after the union vote, the female vote, the black vote -- the hard core Democrats. Can he win with just them? No. But he's making a calculation that the key in 2004 will be ...Conservative Republicans -- the very Republicans who may remember this line from the State of the Union:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bushspeech4short
Time: 6s
Title: bushspeech4short
Out-cue: ]

And if car bombs are still exploding in Mosul a year from now, even the President's supporters will have a hard time calling it victory.

Those are the people Howard Dean is banking on.

Not that he's going to get their votes -- but he doesn't HAVE to get their votes... all he has to do is get them to stay home.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DEBATE
Moved: 12/10/2003 8:48
CBS-DEBATE 12/10/03

Debate number 24. This is DR...

I watched the nine Democrats debate yet again last night. I watched Ted Koppel play his parlor games:

"Raise your hand if you think Dean can defeat Bush" he said. Only Dean's hand went up -- surprise surprise -- and suddenly THAT became the issue for the next half hour -- why didn't the other candidates raise their hands?

And then the issue became, "Why is Ted Koppel indulging in such a dumb schtick?"

But as the debate went on, you could see why. The deeper they got into the actual issues, the more my brain hurt.

I admit: I cannot be sure how Dick Gephardt's solution to the Iraq war is different from Wesley Clark's. I would have to go back and look up the differences between Joe Lieberman's health care plan and John Edwards Health care plan.

What I can remember is that Al Sharpton is consistently the funniest guy in the room, Dennis Kucinich is not, and Howard Dean is the guy who's burning up the Internet and drawing the crowds.

And maybe that's why Al Gore endorsed him even though Dean has rejected the centrist politics that Gore tried to epitomize. With nine candidates in the field, the issues become a blur. So Gore went with the guy who, for whatever reason, has the most buzz.

Plus, unless you live in New Hampshire, most of these ideas won't matter anyway. How many candidates are going to be left by the time the rest of us get to vote -- assuming you get to vote at all.

For most of us, the primary campaign is just off-track betting. It doesn't matter what the horses are thinking, all you care about is which one can win.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BAGHDAD SCANDAL
Moved: 12/5/2003 8:42
CBS-BAGHDAD SCANDAL 12/04/2003
The turkey... was FAKE! This is DR....
The latest administration scandal is that the turkey the President picked up during his Thanksgiving guest shot in Baghdad -- was a DECORATIVE turkey, not intended for eating. 
I'm not kidding. It's been documented in the Washington Post by one of the reporters who was there. In that now-familiar picture, the President is holding a PHONY TURKEY. How could this have happened? All I can think is that Colin Powell must have told him it was real, based on information from unimpeachable sources.
Little by little, it's becoming clear that portions of the President's visit to Baghdad may have been... STAGED!
This is so disillusioning! It's almost as disillusioning as realizing that 120,000 soldiers will spend Christmas in Iraq so they can pave the way for a brand new Shi-ite theocracy run by people who hate us. All for the purpose of making us safe from terrorism. But, I guess we're bored with that story.
Thank goodness for the British who have decided to address the terrorist threat -- you'll never believe this -- by arresting actual TERRORISTS. Yesterday they arrested 14, including 24 year old Sajid Badat, charged with conspiring to build shoe-bombs.
And the thing about Mr. Badat is that they found ACTUAL EXPLOSIVES on him. Not a bunch of website printouts -- the real thing!
By the way -- I am so glad the terrorists still appear to be hung up on shoe bombs. We're onto the shoe-bomb thing. I am happy to take off my shoes.

Thank goodness the guy wasn't a sock bomber. Or worse, a jockey briefs bomber. I'd stop flying, my friends.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS VIET DINH
Moved: 12/5/2003 8:42
CBS-VIET DINH 12/04/2003

How secure is the right to an attorney? This is DR...

After the 9/11 attack, the President gave an order:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>dinh1
Time: 4s
Title: dinh1
Out-cue: ]

A job John Ashcroft handed to Viet Dinh, former head of the Office of Legal Policy, who then coordinated the writing of the Patriot Act.

Mr. Dinh now teaches at Georgetown, and I asked him about a related issue: denying an attorney to accused terrorists like Jose Padilla:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>dinh2
Time: 41s
Title: dinh2
Out-cue: ]

Of course to do that they would need a lawyer, a lawyer which is granted only at the President's discretion. An apparent Catch 22.

But Mr. Dinh says there IS a check, and it is this: should the president go too far, a judge could appoint an attorney to represent the accused even if the government forbids contact. 

Which tells me that when electing a president... lets don't ever make a mistake, OK?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MOON
Moved: 12/5/2003 8:42
CBS-MOON 12/05/03
Are we headed back into space? This is DR...
There have been reports that President Bush plans a visionary announcement in two weeks. The occasion would be the 100th anniversary of the Wright Brother's first flight at Kitty Hawk, December 17th. The President has a speech scheduled that day, and reportedly wants to announce something big having to do ... with flight.
And somebody's been floating this idea that he will announce a new national commitment ... to go into space. Apparently a new national commitment to "wider seats in coach" was considered technologically impossible.
So the speculation is he'll announce that we're going to the Moon!
The trouble is that if the President stands up and says "We're going to the moon" everybody past 40 will be thinking, "Hey, didn't we already do that? And didn't it get kind of boring?"
Which is why space buffs have been pushing for the President to announce a planet-building mission ... to MARS. 
Personally, I think Mars would be exciting. It could recapture the thrill of those heady days in the sixties when we all wanted to be scientists and astronauts. The boys anyway. The girls were off in Home Ec class learning how to cook for us; life was good.
But having grown into a cynical middle-aged taxpayer, I want to know REAL reasons for this. Is it about science? Is it because the Chinese have announced THEY'RE going? Is it because this administration has a fatal attraction to places that are empty dusty and hostile?
All the same, I'm willing to consider it. Nations must have a vision. But the moment I hear Colin Powell promise that Mars will welcome us with open arms, I'm jumping ship.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BLANKS ABERCROMBIE
Moved: 12/3/2003 8:52
CBS-BLANKS-ABERCROMBIE 12/03/2003
It's time once again to Fill in the Blanks. This is DR.

Fill in the Blanks, where you get to write today's commentary by simply filling in the ...BLANKS.

Today's subject, Abercrombie and ...FITCH.

Yes! Abercrombie and Fitch has pulled the 2003 Christmas Field Guide from its stores after complaints that it promoted ... SEX and... PROMISCUITY. 

The 2003 Field Guide includes numerous pictures of bare-butted guys and bare breasted girls, all of whom have recently taken off clothes made by ... ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH.

Pro-family groups condemned the catalog, saying it will ... GIVE TEENAGERS IDEAS.

But company officials say absolutely not, pointing out that all the models are at least ... 18 YEARS OLD. In addition to being extremely ... HOT. A combination intended only to promote ideas like ... CHASTITY. And ... THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS.

Yes. Because nothing says makes the yule log crackle like ... NAKED 18 YEAR OLDS who are ... HOT! Right.

Not that Abercrombie and Fitch wanted this controversy. They would rather have done a catalog featuring ... OVERWEIGHT 50-YEAR OLDS, but they ran into copyright problems with ... WAL-MART.

Yes. As for the accusation that the catalog promotes sexual experimentation, a company spokesman was ... INCREDULOUS.

Which is another way of saying ...WE'RE MAKING A PILE OF MONEY ON THIS.

Which is why the company is busy coming up with more catalogs ... IT CAN PULL. But pro-family groups can be happy about one thing. Most of the models appear to be ...HETEROSEXUAL. Yes. AND HOT.

All right, we're done!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WAL MART WINS
Moved: 12/1/2003 8:47
CBS-WAL MART WINS 12/1/03

America confronts her deepest fear. This is DR...

It begins when the local newspaper carries a story saying Wal Mart plans to build a new store. Immediately, the petitions begin circulating.

Concerned citizens who prefer responsible growth start a group called Concerned Citizens for Responsible Growth.

Concerned citizens worried about their quality of life start a group called Concerned Citizens for Quality of Life.

Soon there are so many concerned citizens that the INDIFFERENT citizens have no one to talk to.

Because all the conversations are about how small businesses will close, good jobs will disappear, traffic will be a nightmare, entire species will go extinct.

But notice .. you never find an organization called "Concerned Citizens against the new Wal-Mart"

And that's because while there may be a lot of concern over responsible growth, and quality of life, all concerned citizens know that sooner or later, even THEY are going to shop at the Wal-Mart.

And the first retail figures for the 2003 holiday season prove it.

The figures from the weekend show Wal-Mart hit a one-day record on Friday, with more than one-and-a-half (b) billion dollars in sales. As much as we profess to love small business, we just don't shop there once the Wal-Mart opens.

That's right, concerned citizens. Resistance is FUTILE! Because as Americans, you're no different than the rest of us. We ALL harbor the same fundamental fear -- finding out that someone we know paid less for the same DVD player. Of COURSE you will shop at Wal Mart. Your upbringing leaves you with no choice!

Now this... 
Index 

CBS CHRISTMAS SALES
Moved: 11/28/2003 8:49
CBS-CHRISTMAS 11/29/2003

It's finally happened. This is Dave Ross...

Everything is now FREE.

The newspaper on Thanksgiving weighed 4 pounds. Of that, one pound was news, the rest was AD INSERTS. And you could see why there were so many, because they contained news bigger than the actual news. Everything is free.

Of COURSE there are hundreds of people in line when the Wal-Mart opens! You don't need money anymore. At one Wal Mart the dash was so intense one shopper lost her shoes.

Prices are so low, it gotta be a nightmare for looters and other thieves. 

How could you fence the stuff for less than it sells for to begin with? There's no point in stealing stuff unless you're just in it for the adventure. I saw one store selling a DVD player for twenty bucks after rebate. You could LEGALLY walk out of the store with it. The clerk doesn't even try to chase you.

Twenty buck is cheaper than the DVD's themselves.

I saw a pair of walkie talkies -- FREE after rebate! What kind of a business plan is that. We'll manufacture walkie-talkies, sell them, and then REFUND everybody's money!

And Christmas lights -- forget it. Just TRY to pay a decent price for Christmas lights. You can't do it. The most expensive set I could find was for 19.99, built in the shape of a standing buck with antlers, and ANIMATED so the heads move up and down.

So get out there, be first in line, and also, if you think about it, take a moment to thank the folks of Honduras and Bangladesh and China. Becasue let's face it, if it weren't for their ten hour days and non-union workplaces... we might have to pay for this stuff!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BUSH IN BAGHDAD
Moved: 11/28/2003 8:49
CBS-BUSH IN BAGHDAD 11/28/2003
How about that George W Bush! This is DR...
Sneaking out of the family meal without even telling his parents... how many of us wished we could do that?
And then to show up the next day at four in the morning with some lame excuse... "Well, you see, Mom, something suddenly came up in ... Baghdad." Yeah right! And to get away with it!
The impish frat boy is back, and it's about time. This whole thing was getting depressing.
I know the Iraqis feel dissed because he didn't come out to the market place to accept their hugs and flowers. And it doesn't change the situation on the ground. The truly historic visit will be the one where he can walk down the airstairs in the daylight and be greeted on the tarmac by the ruler of a free and un-occupied Iraq -- with perhaps a hug, and maybe even a few flowers -- in fulfillment of pre-war scripture.
But simply as a piece of pure theatre, showing up at Thanksgiving like the surprise celebrity on a Bob Hope tour was brilliant.
Even his Democratic opponents had to give him his due. Now THEY'RE trying to figure out ways to sneak into Baghdad. 
Because they know the President now has MORE than enough pictures to replace that unusable aircraft carrier video.
The one thing we DON'T know is what Saddam's response will be. This is a stick in the eye. The Mother of All Battlefield visits, right in his former backyard.
It would look pretty lame just to send out another cassette. He's gonna want to do something a little more assertive.
My suggestion would be that he secretly FedEx himself to Texas and show up at a barbeque.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS THANKSGIVING
Moved: 11/26/2003 8:40
CBS-THANKSGIVING 11/26/2003

Thank goodness for spin. This is DR...

We all know that politics is full of spin. But the practice of embellishing or even making up facts to suit an agenda isn't limited to politics. Even holidays are subject to spin.

This one, for example. Thanksgiving.

There are precious few facts about the first Thanksgiving. All the original records say is that the settlers in the Plymouth Colony had a good harvest that year, and as a result, invited the local Indians to a community pot luck, the colonists providing the birds, the Indians providing the deer.

Historians don't even believe it was a religious celebration in the Christian sense because the Indians weren't Christian, and if the colonists HAD been thanking the Almighty, they are more likely to have fasted than gorged themselves.

It turns out that the Thanksgiving WE know was INVENTED shortly after the first World War -- and it was invented for a reason.

The War had brought death on such an immense scale -- that many Americans turned cynical. They felt insecure. They began to challenge basic values.

So the Christian Pilgrims were spun into an example of a close religious community that created security in the untamed wilderness by surrounding themselves with family, friends, and food.

It was also a time when thousands of European immigrants were arriving. And what better metaphor for peaceful co-existence in a new land than the story of a feast where Indians and white people share the cornucopia.

Is the Thanksgiving tale LITERALLY true? Probably not. But spin is not always a bad thing -- provided you don't overindulge.

Now this. 

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS TRAVEL
Moved: 11/26/2003 8:40
CBS-TRAVEL 11/26/2003

America is back in the air. This is DR....

This is traditionally the day where everyone whines about traveling. The heaviest travel day of the year. Endless video of well-fed, over-packed refugees at ticket counters, in security lines, asleep in plastic seats.

And the expected reaction of the audience is, "Those poor people -- to have to travel on the busiest day of the year."

But THIS year, as I hear these airport updates, I am strangely joyous.

Because it shows that finally -- FINALLY -- we've stopped being scaredy cats.

Last year, September 11th 2002, I was at LaGuardia to fly to Washington DC: The inspectors FOR my flight outnumbered the passengers ON it.

The pilot came on the intercom and thanked us for having the courage to fly that day.

I used to hate crowded airports. But that was because I had never experienced a really empty one.

Now, I won't pretend flying is painless.

The airlines never have enough staff at the check-in, people have way too much luggage, and I wish the cops could arrest anyone who argues about their seat assignment.

But I am happy to take off my shoes. I'm happy to get patted down. Go ahead, open the suitcase! Yes, I packed pastel underwear! Check it out! I look at it as a bonding experience; the one thing every American from the CEO to the wheelchair-bound Grandma has to endure.

And if it's a choice between a scared nation with empty airports, and a courageous nation with full airports -- put me in line.

And a personal note to the TSA inspector at the Newark Airport... the underwear was a souvenir, I don't actually wear it.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MEDICARE PASSES
Moved: 11/26/2003 8:40
CBS-MEDICARE PASSES 11/25/2003

It's time once again to Fill In The Blanks... Fill in the Blanks, proof that even ordinary people like you can write new commentary simply by filling in the ...BLANKS

See how easy it is? Today's topic, Cheap Pills.

Congress has finally passed an historic overhaul of ...MEDICARE. 

Which means that for the first time, every senior who needs pills will be able to get them ... FOR THE SAME PRICE AS CANADIANS.

Well no. The bill prohibits that. Actually there's a formula which pays 75% of the cost of up a certain point, then 0% past that point, then 95% past another point.

So let's try it one more time: "Which means that every senior who needs pills will be able to get them ... AFTER SOLVING A SIMPLE STORY PROBLEM. (DING)"

Yes. In fact, nobody really understands the bill except the...DRUG COMPANIES, mainly because ...THEY WROTE IT.

But remember, they wrote it ...OUT OF THE GOODNESS OF THEIR HEARTS.

Just like that other bill that was written by ...THE ENERGY INDUSTRY.

Which was also written out of ...PURE LOVE.

It's true that since the bill is 1200 pages long and was finished five days ago most members of congress ...HAVEN'T READ IT. 

But to be fair, let's remember, that's the same way they passed ...THE PATRIOT ACT. And it works ...JUST FINE.

Remember, this is a ...DEMOCRACY. Which means that if the drug benefit doesn't provide seniors the pills they need, they can express their anger ... AT THE BALLOT BOX.

Unless they ...DIE FIRST.

Yes. Although even then, they could ... VOTE BY MAIL.

Right.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MEDICARE
Moved: 11/24/2003 10:34
CBS-MEDICARE 11/24/2003

It's PANDER-MONIUM in Congress. This is DR...

I always the thought the best health care reform would be this: You go to the doctor, you get your treatment, you present your charge card, you go home.

And at the end of the year, if you're too poor to pay the medical portion of your charge bill, the government picks up the difference.

If you're in the higher income brackets, you pay everything.

Easy to understand, no bureaucracy required.

But ... that would mean equal access to health care for everyone -- which is socialist, or communist, or utopian, -- I can't remember which; AND you wouldn't need company health plans, union health plans, discount drug cards, pre-approval forms, post approval forms, HMOs, PPOs, EIEIOs and all the trappings that make our health care system uniquely American.

So instead, we get a 1200-page medicare bill that no one understands, but which panders to every lobbyist on the Hill.

It also postpones the cost, so that by the time you find out who's right and who's wrong, you forget who's responsible!

This isn't really about making prescription drugs affordable. 'Cause if congress wanted to do that, it would have told the drug companies to quit screwing around and charge the same HERE as they do in those other countries.

But this bill actually prohibits the US government from even NEGOTIATING lower drug prices ... you know what they means? Our tax dollars will subsidize cheap pills for those very same nations who have left us high and dry in Iraq.

If the French want to snub us, fine. But I'll be damned if I'm going to subsidize their Lipitor.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FILIBUSTER
Moved: 11/12/2003 8:48
CBS-FILIBUSTER 11/12/2003
Talk Talk Talk. This is DR...
As you know, Democrats in the US senate have been using a filibuster to block a handful of President Bush's judicial nominees-- who they consider just too conservative.
And the Republicans are fed up. So to teach those filibustering Democrats a lesson they'll never forget, the Republicans will launch... a filibuster. A filibuster of the filibuster, or what Senator Rick Santorum likes to call a REVERSE filibuster.
(QUOTE) . "We are going to do everything we can to do what they're doing." Hmm -- I would think a reverse filibuster would be when everyone just ... shuts up.
But no, it's the reverse of that, so for 30 hours, they'll talk and talk and talk, hoping that at some point, enough Democrats will fall asleep that the Republicans can to call a snap vote on the court nominees. (WHISPER) Although they'll have to do it very quietly. All in favor say aye."
The Democrats say this wastes valuable Senate time.
But then what about Monday, when Democrat Harry Reid of Nevada filibustered all day, so desperate for material that he described the ties and shoes of staff members? Oh, that was OK because he was filibustering to protest the Republicans REVERSE filibuster filibuster. See you foolish Iraqis! See what you're missing by continuing to resist?

There'll be C-SPAN parties from coast to coast tonight. I have a cot by the TV, jalapeno snacks to keep me awake. It's gonna be like seeing the whole season of "24" in sequence, except... without the excitement. Or the action. Or that cute blonde gal.

I guess it's not like "24" at all, is it.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SOLDIER'S PARADISE
Moved: 11/11/2003 8:51
CBS-SOLDIER'S PARADISE 11/11/2003
Remembering the small sacrifices. This DR...
It's the first Veterans Day since the war ... and one way to observe it is to read what the soldiers themselves are saying. A lot of them post web-logs about the highs and lows of serving in Iraq. But you quickly learn that the toughest part ... is the separation.
Here's an entry from a site called Soldier's Paradise: [edited]
(QUOTE) "I awoke this morning with it sitting on my chest.
I pushed as hard as I could and finally got to a point where I could sit up. Its weight shifted to a position not so comfortably on my shoulders. Every step was difficult as this weight on my shoulders tried to drive me into the sand.

As I walked into my work tent I could see it. Everyone was carrying ... their very own personal weight. 

One guy’s is the fact that he found out a couple of days ago that his wife wants a divorce. Another’s is his sister’s wedding he missed last weekend, and on and on and on...

This regret is the heaviest I have ever carried. I miss my wife, I don’t know my son, My brother will be getting married soon, My father has had congestive heart failure but insists he is fine, and I have three and a half more years of this to look forward to, because I re-enlisted.

My son will be six months old shortly after I get back. Reid, I have done all of this so hopefully you wont have to... I hope you will grow up proud of what we have done here."

(UNQUOTE)

On Veteran's Day, we remember those who made the ultimate sacrifice. But we should also remember that the small sacrifices add up too.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BUSH SPEECH
Moved: 11/10/2003 13:35
CBS-BUSH SPEECH 9/08/03

87 billion. This is DR...

The President's done what his critics demanded... laid out the cost of the war. Another 70 billion for Iraq; another 17 billion for Afghanistan.

And he laid out the mission. Iraq's weapons programs ... are now firmly embedded in the PAST TENSE, the NEW reason we're in Iraq is to defeat the terrorists who we attracted there.

Basically we outsmarted them. They attack us here; WE start a war in a completely different place. Like setting up a bug zapper 8,000 miles away. 

As for the cost -- 87 billion for Iraq and Afghanistan sounds like a lot, but nowhere in the speech was there any mention of more taxes. So as far as we taxpayers are concerned... this one's FREE.

Instead of taxes, the President will to do some international fundraising... on the rubber hummus circuit:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush contribute SHORT
Time: 9s
Title: bush contribute SHORT
Out-cue: ] [Europe, Japan, states in the Middle East, all will benefit from the success of freedom in these two countries. And they should contribute to that success.]

And I'm sure they will. You'll your sustaining members, supporting members, the Patrons of the Fertile Crescent Club.

Just as a backup, though, if you have any friends overseas, I'd drop them a line explaining the benefits of helping us, and how if they don't, we will NEVER ask them to help pay for one of our wars EVER again.

Because if this fails -- well, that's what Senator Bob Graham was worrying about on Larry King Live:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bob graham SHORT
Time: 7s
Title: bob graham SHORT
Out-cue: ][Is this generation going to pay for it, or are we going to add this to the national debt, and ask our grandchildren to pay fo rthis occupation?]

I... say we ask the grandchildren.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS McCAIN
Moved: 11/10/2003 8:42
CBS-McCAIN 11/10/2003

Who REALLY controls the policy? This is DR...

A lot of Americans think we were deliberately fooled about Iraq. There's still a debate over whether the President was the fool-ER or the fool-EE, but you have even pro-war conservatives who think we were fed a line.

Even Jessica Lynch is distancing herself from her own legend, saying her role was exaggerated; that her ordeal should not have been turned into a patriotic fable.

But in the end, what you believe or what I believe doesn't matter. Because Iraq policy can't be controlled by the military brass, it can't be controlled by the President, it can't even be controlled by the media anymore.

Iraq policy now rests squarely in the hands of the people carrying it out -- the men and women of the armed forces.

As Sen John McCain pointed out on Face The Nation, members of the guard and reserve have a choice:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS 051 MACCAIN-IRAQ
Time: 15s
Title: CBS 051 MACCAIN-IRAQ
Out-cue: ON IMPACT]

And when it comes to the truth about the mission, soldiers don't get their news filtered. They've either been there or know someone who has. 

And as the economy gets better, it's easier to find alternatives to the recruiting office.

You hear calls for more boots on the ground. You hear calls for an exit strategy. But when you have an all-volunteer army, here's your exit strategy: it's when the boots on the ground decide it's time to head for the exit.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BUSH DEMOCRACY
Moved: 11/7/2003 8:43
CBS-BUSH DEMOCRACY 11/07/2003

The President finds his inner Colin Powell. This is DR...

President Bush has delivered the speech that the Arab world has been waiting for.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush 110603
Time: 14s
Title: Spreading Democracy, last 60 years didn't work
Out-cue: ]

The thing that most Americans don't realize about the Arab world is that a lot of moderate Arabs agree with this talk about democracy. They just don't believe that WE mean it.

For example, there have been demonstrations recently by dissidents in Saudi Arabia. They've been calling for political reform and release of political prisoners. Typical dissident stuff. Yet Saudi authorities arrested about 250 of them. People who were just standing there. They weren't tagging buildings. They weren't going "Hey Hey Ho Ho, the Big Fat King Has Got To Go." One demonstrator simply carried a picture of her son, who had died in prison.
But demonstrations like that are illegal in Saudi Arabia because, well, because the Royal Family finds them annoying.
Well, watch out, Royal Family, because we are going to change policy. We are going to spell it out to Saudi Arabia that while you may be long-time suppliers of fine motor fuels to us and our allies, we don't want that fuel tainted by the additive of repression.
We will not purchase stability at the expense of liberty.
Which to me means, you change your ways, Saudi Arabia, or we will purchase our motor fuel elsewhere.
Of course, it might NOT mean that. But it would be nice.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS THE DRAFT
Moved: 11/7/2003 8:43
CBS-THE DRAFT 11/07/2003

Is the draft coming back? This is DR...

I've been getting a disturbing number of e-mails from listeners who think the draft is coming back. 

Dave, The next step is the Draft. 

And this one:

Dave. I am opposed to the draft and would work against it if it
were implemented again. 

What appears to be driving this is a notice that was posted in September on a Defense Department web site asking for more volunteers to fill vacancies on local draft boards.

The headline read: "Serve Your Community and the Nation. Become a Selective Service System Local Board Member." It has since been taken down.
I guess someone at DoD hit the Publish key by mistake.

But I think I can assure you that the draft is not coming back. Because supporters of the war have pointed out this is not another Vietnam... and although we assume they're referring to the fact that Iraq is not a jungle, and resistance is not nearly as deadly, the MAIN way it is not like Vietnam is the mood of the people at home. 

There are no massive demonstrations because, as terrible as the casualties have been, no one has to go who didn't sign up to go. Except maybe reservists -- but it was in the fine print ... you have to read it! If you don't want to go, you don't sign up.

Now that may in fact be why someone pressed the "publish" button by mistake...

But bottom line is this. The reason we are there is to secure the blessings of democracy for the people of Iraq. And this administration knows that the moment it even THINKS of a draft, a majority of the American people will quickly conclude that Iraq has been blessed enough.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GREEN RIVER
Moved: 11/6/2003 8:49
CBS-GREEN RIVER 11/06/2003

The killer who just didn't care. This is DR...

He's the worst serial killer in American history -- Gary Leon Ridgway, who said "Guilty" 48 times in Seattle yesterday. Part of a deal where he agrees to spill everything, and the state agrees not to stick a needle in his arm.

Why did he do it? Because killing prostitutes was his calling. That, and because he hated having to pay for sex. When asked by a psychologist if he thought there was something missing in him, he answered with one word: "Caring."

When victims begged as they were being strangled, he would say "stop fighting and I'll let you go." He said that because when they stopped, it was easier to kill them. A trick of the trade. As he told the cops: (QUOTE)

"I thought I was doing you guys a favor.. I mean, if it's illegal aliens, you can take 'em to the border... But if it's a prostitute...they were back on the street as soon as they get bail... You guys had the problem, I had the answer." (UNQUOTE)

Just a law-and-order type of guy. 

Sheriff Dave Reichert, who hunted Ridgway for 20 years:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>reichert 110503
Time: 11s
Title: reichert 110503
Out-cue: ]

But Gary Ridgway knew that, while the sheriff might consider these lives sacred, the rest of us wouldn't -- not the way we would if they'd been "good" girls. He knew that there is a whole class of people on the streets that we've given up on. He knew that he wasn't the only one who had a problem... with "caring."

Now this... 
Index 

KIRO GREEN RIVER
Moved: 11/6/2003 7:41
CBS-GREEN RIVER

Why did he do it? This is DR...

Why did Gary Ridgway do it. No mystery -- why do ANY of us do what we do? He was following his bliss. Killing women happened to be his skill. Helped along by an important personality deficit. When he was asked by a psychologist if he thought there was something missing in him; something that was present in other people, he answered with one word: "Caring."

When victims begged as they were being strangled; when they said "I have a family, I don't want to die," he said, "stop struggling and I'll let you go."

He said that because when they stopped, it was easier to kill them.

And he was proud of his ability. He knew Ann Rule would write a book about him. He even attended her book signings.

He told detectives QUOTE: "I have pride in what I do."

"I thought I was doing you guys a favor, killing prostitutes; here you guys can't control them, but I can.... I mean, if it's illegal aliens, you can take 'em to the border and fly 'em back out 'a there. But if it's a prostitute, you'd arrest 'em, they were back on the street as soon as they get bail and change their name. You guys had the problem, I had the answer." (UNQUOTE)

Gary Ridgway -- a law and order type of guy. 

He chose prostitutes because he knew they would come home with him, and they were less likely to be reported missing. He assumed that like him, no one would care.

Sheriff Dave Reichert says Ridgway was wrong

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>reichert 110503
Time: 22s
Out-cue: ]

But Gary Ridgway knew that, as much as people like Sheriff Reichert might consider these lives sacred -- the rest of us wouldn't. Not the way we would if these had been "good" girls. There was exactly ONE DETECTIVE left on the Green River task force when the DNA sample finally came through. 

He knew that there is a whole class of people on the streets that we've given up on. Gary Ridgway considered them immoral, as do most of us. All we figure we can do is arrest them and release them and let them fall through the cracks. Which means that from time to time there will be a wacko waiting to catch them.

Now this 
Index 

CBS DENVER MELLOW
Moved: 11/5/2003 8:37
CBS-DENVER MELLOW 11/05/2003

No one will make fun of Denver now. This is DR...

It was close. Denver might have become the lead off late night joke, but the voters saved their city from that fate by soundly defeating initiative 101, the so-called peacefulness initiative.

It was the brainchild of Jeff Peckman, a brain researcher and former transcendental meditation teacher who said that city sponsored stress reduction exercises would reduce stress, and even reduce crime.

But it was doomed from the start. First of all, the very idea of a stress reduction law to reduce crime. How many criminals would obey a stress-reduction law? They're CRIMINALS.

Plus they know there is nothing less effective than a mellow criminal - "Hey like, could I knock you down and take your purse? I mean, like, if it's OK..."

Plus this peacefulness stuff is just out of step with the times. It just doesn't sell. You don't get anywhere with peacefulness. FEAR is what sells now. "Elect me, or terrorists will spam your children."

As for Jeff Peckman ... well look at his quote in the Denver Post.
"It was a thrilling ride," said Peckman, who spent only $40 on the campaign. "I'm happy to have planted the seed."
He spent only $40 on the campaign? The only people who would spend $40 on a campaign are people who don't care if they lose. In other words, mellow people.

Mellow people better realize this. You won't get your way, unless you can scare the voters. And since you're against scaring people, you're never going to get your way.

Which is why ... it's a good thing you're so mellow.

Now this. 
Index 

KIRO INIT 841
Moved: 11/5/2003 8:37
KIRO-INIT 841 11/05/2003

At a time when there seems to be so little trust in ANYONE, the voters of Washington State... or at least a majority of the 29% who voted, said YES they DO trust bosses over unions. They said YES to Initiative 841, which repeals the state's ergonomic rules, rules which employers said would kill jobs.

The unions will gnash their teeth over this, but a resounding majority of the 29% who voted, don't want your help.

And part of the reason could be the assurances give on my show by Randy Gold, the President of the Building industry Assn of Washington. I asked him a week ago if his member businesses could give some assurance -- that even without the regulation, workers who were concerned that their jobs might leave them crippled could get reassigned to a more ergonomically correct job: 

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>randy gold
Time: 28s
Title: randy gold pres BIAW
In-cue: Says members will take care of ergonomics concerns
Out-cue: ]

So you have protection already.

Mr. Gold also indicated that voting yes on 841 would stop one particular company from moving out of state:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>randy gold 2
Time: 11s
Title: randy gold 2
In-cue: IBP Meat Processing was going to move
Out-cue: ]

Well, the regulations HAVE been removed now, so IBP will -- I am assuming-- stay right where it is. And will voluntarily protect its workers from any on-the-job activity that might injure them.

If for some reason they do not ... well, you can't complain to the state, because all ergonomic rules are now forbidden in Washington. But you can call ME. I do a talk show. And I have this promise on tape. And I consider it as good as Gold. 
Index 

CBS AFGHANISTAN
Moved: 11/5/2003 8:36
CBS-AFGHANISTAN 11/04/2003
Yes there IS good news on the nation-building front. This is DR...
The good news is from a place that doesn't make much news anymore -- Afghanistan. 
A little more than two years after the first US bombs dropped, the draft of a new Afghanistan Constitution has been ceremonially presented to the former king.
And one thing you notice about it... is that it has something for everybody.
There's a strong president, who would appoint a cabinet and nine members of a supreme court, subject to approval by the assembly. The Judiciary is independent, and there are guarantees of free speech and prohibitions against torture and forced confression. Sound familiar?
But it's not simply a clone of We The People.
The draft names the new nation the Islamic Republic of Afghanistan, says that Islam is the country's religion and says that no legislation can be introduced that is contrary to it. Something for the Judge Roy Moores of the world. But there is no mention of Shariah law, and non-Muslims are free to worship as they choose.
Political parties based on ethnicity, language or region are not permitted.
But there IS some affirmative action... the constitution would require that one sixth of the seats in the upper house be held... by women.
Something for everybody. Because the Constitutional Commission asked everybody.
It sent out questionnaires and held village meetings. 150,000 people made suggestions; those who were illiterate sent in cassette tapes.
And the result appears to be... a consensus.
It shows what can happen when you're finally tired of fighting.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQ HEARTS MINDS
Moved: 11/5/2003 8:36
CBS-IRAQ HELICOPTER 11/03/03

Hearts and Minds. This is DR...

This is why it's so difficult for Democracies to fight wars. Since the people elect the government, the government has to find a way to keep the war popular. But wars always seem like a better idea before you fight them than after. And this one's no exception.

So the administration has tried a number of approaches. 

They've tried to encourage more positive media coverage. Mostly it's been gentle presidential prodding, but yesterday soldiers tried to confiscate digital camera film at the site of that helicopter crash, as a little more assertive way of encouraging positive coverage.

They've tried to remind us who we're up against. Over the weekend, Senior Administration officials named Saddam Hussein as the catalyst in these attacks -- as a way of saying the Iraqi PEOPLE themselves don't hate us. It's all Saddam.

And then there was THIS reassurance, delivered by Defense Secretary Rumsfeld on Meet The Press:

[Cart No: <8 Raw Carts>rumsfeld 110103 IRAQIS DYING TOO
Time: 21s
Out-cue: ]["We now have over 100,000 Iraqis providing for their own security. And they're getting killed too. Some 85 Iraqis have been killed. Who are providing for their own security; and the police and the border patrol, and the civil defense and the army. Indeed, the people being killed in Iraq today are overwhelmingly Iraqis, by Iraqis"]

I guess that's reassuring. I'm kind of hoping that clip doesn't get played in Baghdad ... although, at this point, do you suppose it's Iraqi hearts and minds he's after? Or OURS.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FIRE GALLEGLY
Moved: 10/31/2003 8:51
CBS-FIRE GALLEGLY 10/30/2003

The planes that sat idle while California burned. This is DR...

I've been wondering aloud all week how it is that the same country that can plant democracy half a world away can't control a wildfire eating up perfectly democratic neighborhoods right here at home.

So, on the advice of listeners I called Congressman Elton Gallegly, whose own home in Simi Valley saw the flames stop just short of the front door.

He's been trying to change a 1932 law which keeps military planes idle while neighborhoods burn.

What the Economy Act of 1932 does is PROHIBIT the Forest Service from using military aircraft to fight fires until all available COMMERCIAL aircraft have been hired.

Which meant that in the days after the fires started, you had two state-of-the-art C-130s equipped for fire suppression -- crews ready to go -- that simply SAT ON THE GROUND. 

You would think that with the fires being a clear and present danger, the Commander In Chief could just order the planes up, and damn the consequences. 

But there they sat until 11 a.m. Monday, by which time 1000 homes were in ashes, and 13 people were dead.

Congressman Gallegly is trying right now to change that law, but he told me commercial aviation interests still refuse to budge. They don't think military competition would be fair. The free market is at stake.

Like it was when a court struck down the Do Not Call list. But in that case, Congress and the White House said "free market be damned, we're gonna stop those annoying calls." And fixed it in one day.

Because the last thing you want when your phone is melted... is for a telemarketer to try and call it.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FIRES AND BUREAUCRACY
Moved: 10/31/2003 8:51
CBS-FIRES AND BUREAUCRACY 10/31/2003

Fighting fire with ... bureaucracy. This is DR...

Item from this morning's paper. "In a quiet announcement made late last week the Bush Administration turned down a six-month-old request by Governor Gray Davis for help in removing dead and dying trees in the same forests now being consumed by flame."

Now that seemed unnecessarily negative. So I read further.

"The Federal Emergency Management Agency decided against the proposal largely because Congress already had agreed to provide 43 million this year."

OK. Understandable. But the news item went on: "State officials say $450 million was needed to clear the forest of dead trees and eliminate the fire danger."

And then I saw THIS unreleated story on the very same page of the newspaper. That in April 2003, which would have been about the same time that California was saying it needed $450 million to remove dead trees, and was getting less than a tenth of it -- Bechtel got a government contract for $680 million to build schools, roads, and sewers in a certain foreign country the size of California.

And then I read this: that a helicopter pilot noticed the Cedar Creek fire when it was only 50 yards wide, and radioed for a water drop, but state officials called off the water drop because it was 5:36 p.m. and getting dark, and they weren't allowed to use military planes.

So now we know why California's burning. It's that pilot's fault. When you spot a brush fire, you don't say "I've spotted a brush fire." What you say is, "I've spotted Saddam!"

"If we're quick we can drown him!"

Now this. 
Index 

INIT 776 KIRO ONLY
Moved: 10/31/2003 7:41
INIT 776 COMMENTARY

The court decision upholding the 30 dollar tabs has been hailed as a victory for the people. It's true that the initiative didn't pass in the urban areas, but the rules of the game are that THAT doesn't count; it's the STATEWIDE vote that counts, and statewide, people decided that we folks here shouldn't be allowed to fund our road and transit projects. And who can blame them? What good do our roads do them?

Anyway, according to the PI this morning, the vote means that among other things, King County will delay or scale back the work it was planning to do on Novelty Hill Road in Redmond, Coal Creek Parkway south of Bellevue, and the Benson Road-Carr Road intersection in the Kent area. Many of you have spent many long happy hours on these streets, and you can rest assured that they will REMAIN in their pristine natural condition, thanks to the will of the voters -- wherever they are are.

The other part of the initiative -- not widely covered -- is that it ALSO prevents voters from holding a vote to restore those fees, even if they want to. That protects them from uncontrolled highway improvements that, as you know, can spread without warning unless carefully prohibited.

It's Democracy at its best, which is why so many Iraqis are looking forward to it.

Anyway, I was thinking of ways we could celebrate this, because everybody has been pointing how this is a victory for the voters.

And I think I have an idea. You know how the DOT is putting up those new signs at construction sites that say "It's your nickel" and describing how long the project will take, and how far along it is?

I think we should put up a series of signs -- paid for by volunteers in the anti-tax movement -- that say "Your $15 refund at work" and post along Novelty Hill road and those OTHER projects where NOTHING is going to happen.

"YOUR 15 dollar refund at work. Years until improvements will take place, UNKNOWN. Percent complete, ZERO. To find out how long you'll be sitting here, tune to 710 KIRO."

Well we might as well get SOMETHING out of it. 
Index 

CBS FIRES
Moved: 10/30/2003 8:49
CBS-FIRES 10/30/2003
Why can't the media ever look on the POSITIVE side? This is DR...
I expect to hear that complaint any day now. Why can't the media look on the POSITIVE side of the California fire story. All you hear is the negative. The 2600 homes damaged or destroyed. The 20 deaths. The lack of reinforcements for exhausted firefighters.
Well I'm not going to set myself up to be scolded for a lack of patriotism, I'm going to start looking for the silver lining in this fire story right now.
For one thing, I notice the number of firefighters on the lines is about 12,000. That is about one tenth of the number of personnel assigned right now to Iraq ... indicating that the government has been remarkably efficient in its use of taxpayer dollars. One fire boss commented that he could use TWICE the number of men, but there was no indication his request would be granted, again, protecting the taxpayer.
I also noticed in a news story today that "troops and helicopters from the Navy and Marine corps will be joining the firefighters LATER THIS WEEK." Which shows that they're not rushing ahead precipitously.
There was also a report in the LA Times that Congress HAS appropriated money for pre-emptive burning to prevent this kind of thing from happening. According to the LA Times, the hazardous fuel reduction budget for California's forests for this year will total $83million dollars.
The good news there is that $83 million dollars only represents 16 hours of funding for Iraq. So the fire prevention budget for California is unlikely to put too big a crimp in our national security.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CALIFORNIA FIRES
Moved: 10/28/2003 9:03
CBS-CALIFORNIA FIRES 10/28/2003

Are we really THAT helpless? This is DR...

In California, the military metaphors are everywhere. "A war zone" Governor Gray Davis called one suburb. "Now I know what it must be like in Iraq" said one homeowner.

But if it's a war zone, it's pretty one-sided. Firefighters were basically helpless to do anything but order people to evacuate.

And yet everyone knew it was coming. The drought, the bark beetle, the spreading suburbs, the Santa Ana winds -- you can blame a lost hunter if you want, but anything could have been the spark.

And as I saw a picture of a lone helicopter flying off to drop a thousand gallons of water on this huge fire... I thought, this is pathetic. This is not how we fight when we're serious about winning.

We are a country whose smart missiles can hit a keyhole from 80 miles. Whose daisy-cutter bombs can incinerate a square mile in a split second.

Why couldn't we do attack a fire like that?

Suppose we turned our weapons scientists loose on inventing a whole series of smart ANTI-firebombs. Water bombs directed by smart parachutes and heat sensors and satellites. Hundreds of them, launched simultaneously -- a pre-emptive strike -- the moment our fire satellites see smoke. The fire wouldn't have a chance.

I look at these pilots risking their lives to drop water on a fire that's already out of control, AFTER over a thousand homes have been burned, AFTER15 people have died, and I ask -- why? Why are we still using this ancient technology to protect our country from a threat everyone knew was there?

Is it because it can't be done?

Or is it because our priorities are elsewhere?

Now this. 
Index 

SONG BEING LEAN
Moved: 10/27/2003 7:40
SONG-BEING LEAN 10/24/2003

It's not easy, being lean. This is DR

The FDA is actually considering requiring calorie counts on restaurant menus. We have become THAT desperate. Because you see, (*) it's not easy, being lean:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Being Lean KIRO
Time: 75s
Out-cue: ]

It's not easy, being lean
You eat bacon made from mulch
And all your breakfast juice is green, instead of a normal color like orange or bright red.

It's not easy, getting lean
Like being in a costume that won't unzip
Each night you dream of Krispy Kremes, but just as you're about to get one, they sprout little legs and jump off a cliff.

But there are machines and there are pills
There's that new diet book by Dr. Phil
And if you read a chapter a day
And do everything they say
Pretty soon your build
Will look just like Dr Phil's
What better way your appetite to kill.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BOYKIN
Moved: 10/27/2003 7:39
CBS-BOYKIN 10/27/2003

Free speech in uniform. This is DR...

Lt General William Boykin has created a stir OVER his appearances in uniform before church audiences. He's been referring to the war in Iraq as a Christian fight against satan. 

And you know how it is among those Godless liberal journalists -- they jumped all over that.

Which prompted Congressman Todd Tiahrt, Republican of Kansas to circulate a letter asking the Pentagon to support him:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Todd Tiahrt
Time: 10s
Title: Todd Tiahrt
In-cue: Letter in support of Lt Gen William Boykin
Out-cue: ]

We called the Pentagon to ask whether the uniform limits free speech, and found that yes, the rules are pretty strict when it comes to campaigning for a political candidate, and when it comes to questioning the chain of command -- you can't -- but when it comes to expressions of religious faith, it's muddy. And so Rep Tiahrt told me the General ought to be left alone:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Todd Tiahrt 2
Time: 27s
Title: Todd Tiahrt 2
In-cue: Would support any expression of faith
Out-cue: ]

So there's at least one supporter of the war who believes that as long as its a religious statement, any soldier can freely speak his mind.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SPAM
Moved: 10/23/2003 7:42
CBS-SPAM 10/23/2003

Spam on a roll. This is DR...

The Senate has voted 97-0 to create a national do not spam registry to stop e-mail spam.

God bless them. We do not like these dregs of Spam. We do not like them spam be damned! We do not care who finds Saddam, just find the Bulgarian who's trying to sell me all that Vicodin! Yeah! 

But why kid ourselves? Nobody really thinks the anti-spam list will work. It's too late. 

The latest survey found that each DAY there are 15 billion spam messages. Half of all e-mail. It's forcing many of us to give up e-mail and start actually TALKING to people again.

But here's the important figure. 33% report they have clicked on a spam message to get more information, and SEVEN percent have actually purchased something.

THESE are the people the FBI should be hunting down.

Because THEY'RE the reason it keeps coming. Spam is so cheap that if only ONE per cent buys something, the spammer goes home happy.

That's why "Fred" will keep offering to settle my debts for pennies on the dollar. That's why "Bernice" will keep offering to help me "gain some confidence." That's why hot teenage vixens find me sexy. At first I thought I had underestimated my appeal.

But it's because of this gullible 7%. This 7% who think an e-mail from "494hjwgn" saying "Get your Valium here" might just be from the family doctor. Who think that a message saying "click here to stop spam" actually COULD work.

To them I say, if you're seeking confidence, watch Oprah. If you want cheap meds, just go to Canada like everybody else. If you want vixens... well, you will have to click on the e-mail for that.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PARTIAL BIRTH
Moved: 10/22/2003 7:37
CBS-PARTIAL BIRTH 10/22/2003

America gets government health care. This is DR...

That a bi-partisan majority in Congress has voted to ban partial birth abortion can mean only one thing: despite the best efforts of our moral leaders, there has been an epidemic of partial birth abortions in this country -- women who deliberately get themselves pregnant then, on a whim, kill the baby right before birth... anything not to use a condom.

Well gals, you are in for a shock the next time you pull that stunt. The government is on to your little game.

I do want to reassure those liberal womens' groups -- who object that there is no exception for the woman's health. Keep in mind that should the worst happen, at least the woman's feeding tube can never be disconnected. In Florida anyway. The government has seen to that, too. We may not have universal health care in this country, but once you're in a vegetative state, you have nothing to worry about.

And now -- Congress must take the next step in showing its respect for life. There was a recent report documenting some of the innocent victims in the occupation of Iraq -- including the innocent children who get caught in the crossfire. Whose deaths are never graphically described on the floor of the Senate; they're labelled "collateral damage."

But I don't think we can use that term any longer. Respect for life means respect for ALL innocent lives. When one of our bullets kills a child, that is not collateral damage. That is a post-birth abortion.

Congress ought to pass legislation to stop it. I am certain it will get the President's prompt signature.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SNIPER
Moved: 10/20/2003 7:51
CBS-SNIPER 10/20/03

Facing an unfavorable jury. This is DR...

The trial of John Allan Muhammad is underway, first of TWO for the last year's DC-area snipings.

And the headline I saw this morning was:

"Sniper suspect may face unfavorable jury."

"Suburban Virginians tend to be absolutists and less educated, legal experts say."

You see, Muhammed's trial was moved down to Virginia Beach when defense lawyers who argued that terrifying nature of random snipings basically made everyone in Northern Virginia a victim.

The article points out that this may have been a bad move for Muhammad because many in Virginia Beach have ties to the military, and on the whole they are absolutists. I suppose you could also point out that the place just took a direct hit from hurricane Isabel. SO not only are they absolutists, but they're tired and wet.

Please. Muhammed certainly has a problem here, but I don't think it's the education level of suburban Virginia Beachians. His problem is THE EVIDENCE.

There's PILES of it.

Such as the stolen laptop found in his car. A laptop with a diary of the shootings, and maps marked with the skull and crossbones. And then there's the car itself -- a blue Chevrolet Caprice, with the back seat removed and a hole in the trunk to make it into a traveling duck blind, perfectly suited to the hi-powered rifle ALSO found there.

Another somewhat incriminating piece of evidence is IN that car sleeping next to him was Lee Malvo, who later gave police a confession in which he laughed about gunning down people.

PLUS he now plans to represent himself. I think THAT's the real origin of Mr. Muhammad's problem here.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GOOD NEWS
Moved: 10/17/2003 7:58
CBS-GOOD NEWS 10/14/2003

Deciding what's news. This is DR...

The President says America needs to hear more positive stories from Iraq.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush101303
Time: 11s
Out-cue: ]

Bypass the filter as well -- which is why from time to time I ask for calls from the people with the most at stake. Americans with relatives in Iraq:

Like Rhonda, who has a son there, and agrees with the President.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>families1
Time: 23s
Title: families1
In-cue: Dont Put Down Their Job
Out-cue: ]

And Carol who has a husband there but feels the statistics don't go far enough.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>families2
Time: 23s
Title: families2
In-cue: Carol -has husband there
Out-cue: ]

So the press can take its cue from the politicians and generals. Or it could take its cue from people like Carol and Rhonda.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQ UN
Moved: 10/17/2003 7:58
CBSIRAQ UN 10/16/03 10:36 PMDLR

Listen closely; there WILL be a test. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Let's try to understand what just happened at the United Nations.

The United Nations Security Council voted unanimously to endorse the US-appointed interim government of Iraq.

Asked what that means, Senator Joseph Biden said:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>biden 101603 IRAQ WORLDS PROBLEM
Time: 5s
Out-cue: ] 

And the REASON it is a big deal?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>biden 101603 WORLDS FAILURE
Time: 5s
Out-cue: ]

So does that mean the rest of the world will start sending troops? Secretary of State Powell said:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>powell 101603 NO TROOPS
Time: 2s
Out-cue: ]

Which I think means ...no.

Does it mean the world will start sending lots of money:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>powell 101603 DONATIONS short
Time: 4s
Title: powell 101603 DONATIONS short
Out-cue: ]

Which I think means... Maybe.

So now for the test. Are you all ready? ...YES.

The new U-N resolution on Iraq is a ...BIG DEAL. Because when the United Nations speaks, the world pays as much attention to it ... AS WE DO.

In other words, we're in ...DEEP DOO... (Dave interrupts)

Hey! Let's try to be diplomatic here.

The resolution guarantees that the world will help us ...SOMEDAY. Just ...NOT RIGHT NOW.

However as of now, Iraq is no longer strictly ...OUR RESPONSIBILITY.
It's just being financed by ...US, rebuilt by ...US, and protected by ...US. So that if it flops, everybody will blame... US. No! Wrong! Pay attention: 

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>biden 101603 WORLDS FAILURE short
Time: 3s
Title: biden 101603 WORLDS FAILURE short
Out-cue: ]

OK. So: if it flops, everybody will blame.... FRANCE!

Right.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS KOBE
Moved: 10/17/2003 5:10
CBS-KOBE 10/15/2003

Kobe Bryant... is making my life hell. This is DR.

I was just trying to conduct a decent discussion on the Kobe Bryant sexual assault case. 

I asked women to call up and tell me when is it appropriate in a case like this to bring up the woman's past.

Because ... I understand no means no, but if you say there is physical proof of an unwanted advance, but then you find clear "evidence" in a certain place that others have made such advances, you have to check that... "evidence."

But I soon learned you CAN'T have a decent discussion about this topic:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>kobebryant1
Time: 5s
Title: kobe1
In-cue: caller says SEMEN
Out-cue: ]

See... why can't we say DNA. Or even "foreign substance." But no, eeeeveryone has to be a shock jock:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>kobebryant2
Time: 9s
Title: kobebryant2 He is enormous
Out-cue: ]

Now, do I want to know what she means by this? No. But she's going to tell me anyway:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>kobebryant3
Time: 5s
Title: kobebryant3
In-cue: Wouldn't you think?
Out-cue: ]

OK... I suppose. If he responds to his spam that's certainly possible.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>kobebryant4
Time: 6s
Title: Change her underwear
Out-cue: ]

Hmmm. Oh PLEASE! You know what the bottom line on the Kobe Bryant case is? You close the courtroom; you gag everybody. Gag the lawyers, gag the reporters, the spectators, the bailiff, the jurors, the custodians, the police dogs, nobody talks ever again about this case.

Instead, we all talk about how much electricity the Iraqis have.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PLEDGE SCOTUS
Moved: 10/15/2003 7:44
CBS-PLEDGE SCOTUS 10/15/2003

The Supreme Court will rule on the Pledge of Allegiance. This is DR... 

The court will decide whether to ban the pledge from classrooms ... on grounds that the phrase UNDER GOD makes it a religious ritual.

THAT shouldn't be too tough to figure out. Of course it's a religious ritual.

It might as well be in LATIN for all the kids understand of it. My generation grew up wondering what "PLEDGA" meant.

I bet I could come up with a more useful pledge for the kids and they wouldn't know the difference.

I pledge obedience; not to brag; and to avoid all states of hysteria.
And if it's a subject, I can't stand
I'll have patience, and disregard
Individuals
Who are fidgety. Without fussiness at all.

Amen! Ooops -- Can't say that.

But Dave, you say, Congress says UNDER GOD every morning. Yeah -- have you watched them recite the pledge in Congress? The chamber is basically empty. They're all off gathering pledges of a different kind. Whenever you see actually see Congressman reciting the pledge, you can be pretty sure that some judge just ruled against it.

Which gives me an idea. 

If the Supreme Court really wants to keep the pledge alive; really wants it to be MORE than a ritual, the justices ... should OUTLAW it. 

Overnight, you'll see after-school pledge clubs; renegade kids in trench coats with staples in their ears holding bizarre pledge ceremonies; kids duct taping their hands to their hearts.

And at last, the pledge will have achieved a level of adolescent cool that even it's staunchest supporters dared not hope for!

Amen! Dang, I did it again.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NRA LIST
Moved: 10/14/2003 7:39
CBS-NRA LIST 10/14/2003

The NRA publishes a LIST. This is DR....

The gun control people are upset again with the NRA, this time because it has posted a 19 page BLACKLIST of people and organizations who are unfriendly to gun rights issues.

Actually, the NRA doesn't call it a blacklist, it calls the list a "FACT SHEET."

Yeah, well, if it's a fact sheet, it's not a very complete one.

For example. On October 2, 2002, a commentator was talking about the DC sniper case -- the one which is about to go to trial -- and that commentator came out in favor of fingerprinting bullets.

-- Arguing that if you could take a bullet recovered a place where it's not supposed to be, like the body of a citizen who was just trying to pump gas, and match it to a gun, and match the gun to a store, and check to see who bought the gun, you might be able to catch a bad guy after the FIRST killing, instead of after the tenth.

Which would be a good thing because the next wacko snipers might not be so stupid as to actually call up the police the way these guys did.

When it came out the gun was probably stolen, that same commentator ridiculed the lousy record keeping of the gun shop, which let the crime go undetected until the feds came calling.

That commentator was ... YES, ME.

But am I on the NRA list? NO!

I guess their little list is too GOOD for the likes of me.

I have also repeatedly said that the NRA should SHUN careless gun dealers. That it should assist the development of child-safe guns with interlocks.

And now I've said it all again. What does it TAKE??

Unless... unless... that's it. They AGREE with me!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS LETTERS
Moved: 10/13/2003 8:16
CBS-LETTERS 10/13/2003

Letters from the front. This is DR...

Around September, local newspapers began receiving letters from soldiers in Iraq.

Here's one in the Mountain View Telegraph of Moriarty New Mexico, headlined, "Soldier Proud of Work in Iraq," written by Jason Marshall... (QUOTE) "One thousand of my fellow soldiers and I parachuted from ten jumbo jets onto a cold, muddy field in Bashur, Northern Iraq...."

It goes on to talk about the progress the soldiers are making in winning over the people. Here's another letter -- from a newspaper in Beckley, West Virginia, written by Pfc. David Deaconson. He too parachuetd (QUOTE) "onto a cold, muddy field in Bashur, Northern Iraq." He too talks about winning over the people.

Here's a letter in the Utica Observer Dispatch from Sgt. Edwin Gargas Jr. -- who also parachuted (QUOTE) "onto a cold, muddy field."
-- As did Spc. Nathan Whitelatch in a letter to the Daily Courier of Connellsville, Pennsylvania, Sgt. Chris Shelton in The Herald of Everett Washington, and Sgt. Shawn Grueser in the Charleston Daily Mail.

Those were just the ones I found. The Gannett news service found the same letter in 11 newsapers.

It APPEARS that a public affairs officer interviewed Sgt Grueser for what HE thought was the standard hometown press release. But instead, someone wrote it up as a letter and handed it around to be signed by soldiers who agreed with it. And then mailed the letters over their signatures.

Hey -- as long as they're cool with it. These guys are soldiers. They know that in a war, sometimes you have to open up a whole new front.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SIX MONTHS
Moved: 10/9/2003 8:31
CBS-SIX MONTHS 10/09/2003

Six months. This is DR.

Today the President stood before the National Guard and their families in New Hampshire, and marked six months since the statue of Saddam was pulled down in the center of Baghdad.

His words pulled vigorous applause:

"Duty and public service are alive in New Hampshire."

"All who plot against America will face the justice of America."

"Wars are won on the offensive."

"I came to this office to confront problems directly and forcefully, not pass them on to other presidents and other generations."

He was a hit! I saw it on TV. Not one anti-war sign anywhere in the field of view.

I know -- as a member of the media I'm supposed to be cynical that he chose the New Hampshire National Guard for the kickoff speech, as if politics was involved or something. But hey -- I saw the shots of the crowd.

Troops cheered. Women whose husbands were headed to Baghdad smiled and waved.

Maybe it's time to take the TV images at face value.

The time MAY come when the military crowds don't clap, but for now they do.
And as long as that's the case, maybe those of us NOT in the military should just shut up.

Everyone who goes is a volunteer, the money can be easily borrowed, taxes will continue to be cut, we're told it's making us safer, so life is good.

The President says in the six months since that statue was pulled down, Iraq is in better shape than you think. I remember that day. The statue didn't fall at first, remember? It dangled for a while. For a minute it looked like the moment would be ruined. But all it took ... was one more ...Yank.

Now this.

[APB 9:10 for military families. 4 calls. 2 upbeat reports from relatives, two discouraging reports] 
Index 

CBS ARNOLD'S PLAN
Moved: 10/9/2003 7:40
CBS-ARNOLD'S PLAN 10/09/2003

Preparing the crown. This is DR.

You know there's already talk of making him President! Yes! The story didn't get much attention at the time, but back in July, even before Arnold decided to run for governor, Senator Orrin Hatch introduced a bill to amend the Constitution to allow foreign born citizens to become President.

A little hasty?

I don't think so!

A new day has dawned! California has proved you can run a campaign in 11 weeks. California has proved a candidate doesn't have endure endless TV debates to win trust. California proved voters aren't too dumb to punch even a COMPLICATED ballot al the way through.

And California's new governor is about to prove, contrary to what the naysayers say, that you can balance a state budget without raising taxes. I remind of you of his interview three weeks ago.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>schwarzenegger 091703
Time: 20s
Out-cue: ]

He's going to shake down the federal treasury! There must be a PILE of money in there.

So to summarize... amount of California deficit inherited by Schwarzenegger, 8 billion. Increase in deficit due to his first promise to repeal the license tab tax, 4 billion. Number of months to come up with solution, TWO. Number of amendments to let him run for President, ONE.

Being able to watch this all safely from another state: priceless.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SCHWARTZ*
Moved: 10/8/2003 11:01
CBS-SCHWARTZ 09/26/03

Finding bin Laden. This is DR...

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>schwartz3
Time: 2s
Title: schwartz3
In-cue: but didn't they try to get rid of bin laden
Out-cue: ]

Stephen Schwartz is the author of the Two Faces of Islam. A book which argues that the source of anti-American terrorism was, and IS, the government of Saudi Arabia:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>schwartz1
Time: 9s
Out-cue: ]

And the tale they tell is that it's not crazed Imams who support terrorism -- it's the Saudi government -- which takes charitable donations and pays for terrorist attacks like the Riyadh bombing. Why would they bomb their own country?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>schwartz2
Time: 9s
Title: schwartz2
Out-cue: ]

But if that's true, why won't US officials act? Because, says Stephen Schwartz, they're in denial:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>schwartz5
Time: 14s
Out-cue: ]

Too bad, Because, he says, the Saudis have a little piece of information we could really use:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>schwartz4
Time: 7s
Title: schwartz4
In-cue: He knows WHO knows
Out-cue: ]

Which is why Stephen Schwartz thinks it's time US officials demanded an accounting.

But it occurs to me... if he's right that the Saudis know where Osama is... that little piece of information becomes more and more valuable the closer we get to the election, doesn't it?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ARNOLD WINS
Moved: 10/8/2003 9:02
CBS-ARNOLD WINS 10/08/03

And all these years we've been calling it California. This is DR....

As of today it's CAHL-ifornia. And for the Republicans it's a huge victory in a state they have to carry if they want to re-elect George Bush. Or is it? Not that this was anything like the 2000 election. It was a CLEAR defeat for the Democrats. 

But as for being a victory for Republicans -- well, if it is, this is not exactly the party of Newt Gingrich and Tom DeLay anymore, is it?

Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger is pro-choice. Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger is pro gay rights. Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger supports the Brady Bill, the assault weapons ban, and wants background checks at gun shows. 

If he's a Republican -- then so is Michael Moore!

But wait, that's not all!

What happens to Republican talk show hosts? You know, all the Ted Kennedy; Chappaquiddick jokes? Not any more! There were enough Kennedy's on that podium last night to hold a PBS gala.

And the whole anti-Clinton industry ... anyone who embraces Arnold can't exactly express shock at sexual indiscretions.

But here's the most amazing quote of all. This was Darrell Issa, father of the recall, ridiculing Arianna Huffington last night:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>darrell issa 100703 SOUNDS LIKE BUSH
Time: 6s
Title: darrell issa 100703 SOUNDS LIKE BUSH
Out-cue: ]

Whoa! Isn't that exactly what the ten Democrats running for PRESIDENT have been saying?

It's a whole new world! Republicans in California clearly feel there's room in their party for Arnold Schwarzenegger. But if that's true, is there room for George W. Bush?

Now this.
[Other supporters - Democrats Rob Lowe, Ron Silver. Warren Buffet, who is pro-death tax] 
Index 

CBS ARNOLD WINS
Moved: 10/8/2003 9:01
CBS-ARNOLD WINS 10/08/03

And all these years we've been calling it California. This is DR....

As of today it's CAHL-ifornia. And for the Republicans it's a huge victory in a state they have to carry if they want to re-elect George Bush. Or is it? Not that this was anything like the 2000 election. It was a CLEAR defeat for the Democrats. 

But as for being a victory for Republicans -- well, if it is, this is not exactly the party of Newt Gingrich and Tom DeLay anymore, is it?

Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger is pro-choice. Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger is pro gay rights. Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger supports the Brady Bill, the assault weapons ban, and wants background checks at gun shows. 

If he's a Republican -- then so is Michael Moore!

But wait, that's not all!

What happens to Republican talk show hosts? You know, all the Ted Kennedy; Chappaquiddick jokes? Not any more! There were enough Kennedy's on that podium last night to hold a PBS gala.

And the whole anti-Clinton industry ... anyone who embraces Arnold can't exactly express shock at sexual indiscretions.

But here's the most amazing quote of all. This was Darrell Issa, father of the recall, ridiculing Arianna Huffington last night:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>darrell issa 100703 SOUNDS LIKE BUSH
Time: 6s
Title: darrell issa 100703 SOUNDS LIKE BUSH
Out-cue: ]

Whoa! Isn't that exactly what the ten Democrats running for PRESIDENT have been saying?

It's a whole new world! Republicans in California clearly feel there's room in their party for Arnold Schwarzenegger. But if that's true, is there room for George W. Bush?

Now this.
[Other supporters - Democrats Rob Lowe, Ron Silver. Warren Buffet, who is pro-death tax] 
Index 

CBS SCHWARTZ*
Moved: 10/8/2003 8:35
CBS-SCHWARTZ 09/26/03

Finding bin Laden. This is DR...

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>schwartz3
Time: 2s
Title: schwartz3
In-cue: but didn't they try to get rid of bin laden
Out-cue: ]

Stephen Schwartz is the author of the Two Faces of Islam. A book which argues that the source of anti-American terrorism was, and IS, the government of Saudi Arabia:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>schwartz1
Time: 9s
Out-cue: ]

And the tale they tell is that it's not crazed Imams who support terrorism -- it's the Saudi government -- which takes charitable donations and pays for terrorist attacks like the Riyadh bombing. Why would they bomb their own country?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>schwartz2
Time: 9s
Title: schwartz2
Out-cue: ]

But if that's true, why won't US officials act? Because, says Stephen Schwartz, they're in denial:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>schwartz5
Time: 14s
Out-cue: ]

Too bad, Because, he says, the Saudis have a little piece of information we could really use:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>schwartz4
Time: 7s
Title: schwartz4
In-cue: He knows WHO knows
Out-cue: ]

Which is why Stephen Schwartz thinks it's time US officials demanded an accounting.

But it occurs to me... if he's right that the Saudis know where Osama is... that little piece of information becomes more and more valuable the closer we get to the election, doesn't it?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ARNOLD WINS
Moved: 10/8/2003 7:37
CBS-ARNOLD WINS 10/08/03

And all these years we've been calling it California. This is DR....

As of today it's CAHL-ifornia. And for the Republicans it's a huge victory in a state they have to carry if they want to re-elect George Bush. Or is it? Not that this was anything like the 2000 election. It was a CLEAR defeat for the Democrats. 

But as for being a victory for Republicans -- well, if it is, this is not exactly the party of Newt Gingrich and Tom DeLay anymore, is it?

Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger is pro-choice. Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger is pro gay rights. Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger supports the Brady Bill, the assault weapons ban, and wants background checks at gun shows. 

If he's a Republican -- then so is Michael Moore!

But wait, that's not all!

What happens to Republican talk show hosts? You know, all the Ted Kennedy; Chappaquiddick jokes? Not any more! There were enough Kennedy's on that podium last night to hold a PBS gala.

And the whole anti-Clinton industry ... anyone who embraces Arnold can't exactly express shock at sexual indiscretions.

But here's the most amazing quote of all. This was Darrell Issa, father of the recall, ridiculing Arianna Huffington last night:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>darrell issa 100703 SOUNDS LIKE BUSH
Time: 6s
Title: darrell issa 100703 SOUNDS LIKE BUSH
Out-cue: ]

Whoa! Isn't that exactly what the ten Democrats running for PRESIDENT have been saying?

It's a whole new world! Republicans in California clearly feel there's room in their party for Arnold Schwarzenegger. But if that's true, is there room for George W. Bush?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BLANKS ARNOLD
Moved: 10/7/2003 7:49
CBS-BLANKS-ARNOLD 10/07/03

Fill in the Blanks. This is DR...

The feature where I read a story we've all heard so many times that even ordinary people like you can Fill In The ...BLANKS.

Very good, here we go. Today, all eyes are focused on ...CALIFORNIA.

Where voters will decide whether to recall ...THE OAKLAND A's.

No of course not! The real question before the California voters is ... HOW TO FIX THE STATE BUDGET.

Yes! It's also the only question ...NOBODY'S ANSWERED.

For example, according to his critics, all you need to know about Arnold Schwarzenegger is that he ...LIKES NAZIS, and that he ... GROPES WOMEN, so that if elected, he be in Sacramento ... GROPING NAZI WOMEN.

Arnold says that these accusations are ...MISUNDERSTANDINGS.

He says was either ...JOKING, or simply trying to ...SHAKE HANDS. It's just that sometimes, it's ...DIFFICULT TO FIND THE HAND.

As for Gray Davis, he say he has ...NOTHING TO DO WITH THE CHARGES.

They all came about ...SPONTANEOUSLY.

But he does say that these women, far from being liars, are in fact... PROPHETS OF THE LORD.

In fact, all Democrats consider them ...PROPHETS OF THE LORD.

Unlike the women of a few years ago who were all ...BIMBOS FROM HELL.

Democrats now say it's all about ...CHARACTER. The only thing more surprising than that is hearing Republicans say ...LA LA LA LA LA.

But Republicans are thinking of other things: like, the longer the California story is on ...PAGE ONE, the longer the Iraq story ...ISN'T.

As for the voters, they're ...SICK OF IT ALL! They only thing they're not sick of is ... MARIA SCHRIVER. Because they would kill to have her ...CHEEKBONES.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SHOOT DOWNS
Moved: 10/3/2003 7:47
CBS-SHOOT-DOWNS 10/03/2003

Something to think about at 35,000 feet. This is DR...

Dateline WASHINGTON: The US Military conducts mock shoot-downs of commercial airliners three to four times a week to train for a possible terrorist hijacking on American soil.

Did you see that? Part of the testng is to make sure that no one can just get on the radio and say, "Hey -- this is the President, shoot down that jet.."

But the other part of the training is to make sure the crews don't hesitate.

Yes -- it turns out that some combat pilots are hesitant to shoot at innocent passengers.

In fact, Air Force General Ralph Eberhart, chief of the US Northern Command, said he wasn't so much worried that air defense crews might be too trigger happy -- he was worried that air defense crews might be "trigger hesitant."

So they regularly discuss destroying commercial jets to make sure that the crews are mentally prepared to do it.

OK. So now we have the guns in the cockpits, pilots behind fortified doors, the fighter crews trained not to be trigger hesitant -- and the rest of us alone in the cabin with the hijackers and some pretzel mix!

If that's the way it's gonna be, could we get a fighting chance maybe? Like more exit rows and some parachutes? No, of course not, what they're saying is, it's up to us to overpower the hijackers before we get shot down by our own taxpayer dollars.

Well then could WE get some training then? We have to get to the airport two hours early as it is. While we're standing in line ... a little martial arts course? Coat the inflatable vests with kevlar? At least give us enough time to empty the liquor cart.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WEAPONS BLUFF
Moved: 10/2/2003 7:49
CBS-WEAPONS BLUFF 10/01/2003
Bluffing? This is DR...
Thursday, the House and Senate intelligence committees will hear the interim report of David Kay. David Kay is the former UN Weapons inspectors who now heads up the 1,200 CIA inspectors scouring Iraq for the missing bio-weapons and nukes.
And according to the Washington Post, one of the possibilities listed in the interim report is that Saddam... was bluffing. 
--That he only PRETENDED to have weapons, in an effort to scare us off.
But wait a minute -- Colin Powell read us translations of secretly recorded radio transmissions PROVING they had not just chemical agents, but HORRIBLE chemical agents:
[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Powell UN
Time: 4s
Title: Powell UN 020503 NERVE AGENTS PHONE CALL
Out-cue: ]
"Don't give out evidence we have these horrible agents." Now, would somebody say that right out loud if they DIDN'T actually have horrible agents? That ...would be LYING.
Now, the Post is careful to point out that the "bluff possibility" is only ONE ELEMENT of Mr. Kay's report.
And there are many other possible reasons why we can't find the weapons.
Yes, there are other possibilities. Saddam might have been keeping the biological pre-cursors so he could grow the germs quickly ...and then just not used them. Or the Iraqi army could have built an invisibility cloak using stolen Klingon technology.
But whatever -- if it was a deliberate bluff, this should silence the critics who have accused the President of exaggerating the case for war.
I mean, our intelligence agencies are pretty good, but the idea that a guy like Saddam might... be bluffing? Actually lie to make himself look stronger? You just can't prepare for something like that!
Now this.
This is DR... 
Index 

CBS RUSH & ARNOLD
Moved: 10/2/2003 7:48
CBS-RUSH & ARNOLD 10/02/03

It's a category 5 media tempest. This is DR...

Quarterback Donovan McNabb is moving on.

After hearing Rush Limbaugh imply on the NFL Sunday Countdown that reporters were hyping his ability as part of some media affirmative action program, he just smiled.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>mcnabb100103
Time: 9s
Out-cue: ]

And yet, ESPN has accepted Limbaugh's resignation. Why? Who did they think they were hiring? The Beav? 

They hire a guy because he's controversial, and then when actually says something controversial, they say "Whoa! You're CONTROVERSIAL..." If they simply wanted a football expert, they already had three former players on that show. They wanted Limbaugh to stir it up. So he does, and they fire him.

ESPN needs to hang tough. If the other hosts are uncomfortable, ESPN should fire THEM, and re-hire Limbaugh, so we can hear more about the black experience in America from someone who knows.

And there's the other media tempest.

The L-A Times reports that Arnold Schwarzenegger has a groping problem. He likes to perform surprise security checks on gorgeous women.

We know why they're printing this. Clearly, someone at the Times has it in for Republicans. Well, stand firm. Be not afraid.

Republicans should just do what the Democrats did when women began making allegations about one of THEIR rising stars back in 1992. Just ignore them.

Maybe it's not even true. And even if it is:

The chances he'd pull something like that while in office -- are infinitesimally small.

Won't happen. He'll change.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS INVESTIGATION
Moved: 9/30/2003 7:59
CBS-INVESTIGATION 9/30/2003

The scandal mongers are back. This is DR...

When Clinton left, I despaired that we would ever again have a good old White House investigation. 

But we have one now. And it isn't about Arkansas real estate, or Oval office pizza deliveries; it's about whether the Bush Administration OUTED a CIA officer.

How did it come to this?

What's REALLY going on here?

Well you remember the President wanted to make a case for attacking Saddam. So as part of his case, he claimed the Iraqi weapons meister tried to buy Uranium from NIGER for the deadly nukes we are even now looking for.

Except the Niger connection had been investigated and dismissed a year ago by one Joseph Wilson, a former Ambassador appointed by the President's Dad.

So Wilson went public; saying the CIA knew a year ago the claim was bogus because he'd investigated it.

But Columnist Robert Novak got a tip that Wilson's report was hardly definitive, and said if the CIA would only declassify its notes, everyone would SEE that, and the story would probably go away.

Except in the course of the column, Novak, apparently seeking to explain why a former Ambassador would get an assignment like this, mentioned that Wilson's wife, Valerie Plame, is a CIA operative, and it was she who suggested him.

And now THAT has become the issue.

Even though the column that started it all was about something totally different. It was about finding out HOW bad information got into a Presidential speech; and indeed it was a column intended not to give the story legs, but to make it go away.

Bill Clinton must be LAUGHING... to himself, of course.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DO NOT CALL 2
Moved: 9/29/2003 7:57
CBS-DO NOT CALL-2 9/29/2003
The list lives! This is DR...
The Direct Marketing Association now promises to abide by the Do Not Call list, whether it's constitutional or not.
200 of the largest companies in the association agreed unanimously not to call any of the 50 million names on the list.
To which we say, number one, Thank You; and number two, if it's that easy, why did it take so long? Why'd you make us go to the government? Why'd we have to debate the nature of free speech, just to get you to quit calling? Do you see what you've done?
Do you hear the way Americans answer the phone now? Not with a cheerful "Hello" the way we used to, but with a cynical "Hullo?" "Hullo." The same greeting we use when a serial killer comes to the door.
But let's be positive; the industry has turned over a new leaf. So I assume that from now on; we will see a whole new approach, even for the calls that DO get through.
No more "Hello sir, this is a courtesy call, how are you doing today..."
Instead it will be "Hello sir, I'm selling something, would you like to take the call, or would you rather I never ever call you ever ever again?"
Maybe that's what they'll do from now on. But I dunno. I think they have something else up their sleeve. Some horrible new type of pop-up ad that surprises you in the shower.
The idea that starting Wednesday the phone will now ring ONLY when it's someone we REALLY want to talk to is so beyond the most hallucinatory dreams of every American that I don't know how we'll deal with it.
If the phone doesn't ring every night, how will we know it's even working?? 
I'm lonely already! Somebody call! No, please don't. I was just kidding.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS CALIFORNIA
Moved: 9/24/2003 7:49
CBS-CALIFORNIA
The California story so far. This is DR....
The ACLU sues over the recall, a lower court says the election will go on, a three judge panel of a higher court says no it won't, but they're not sure, so they suggest appealing their own decision to more judges from the same court, who then rule unanimously yes it will. Because, since some absentees have already voted, the election is already on.
Meanwhile, the Republican who paid 1.6 million of his own money to put the recall on the ballot is now telling voters that unless one of the two leading Republicans DROPS OUT, Republican voters should actually vote to KEEP the Democratic governor.
Because otherwise, Democratic Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante, who is now leading the other candidates in the polls with 28%, will win.
As for the Governor, one poll shows that 45% now believe he should NOT be recalled.
Of course there are many polls in California, including the Taco Bell Poll where the chalupa represents Bustamante, and the beef crunchy taco represents Arnold Schwarzenegger.
And speaking of Arnold, there's a report that scandalous new pictures have surfaced -- depicting him without clothes. Could've been worse. They could've depicted him ... without a budget plan.
But all that will come out in the tonight's debate among the 5 major candidates; the other 90 or so candidates already had their debate on Jay Leno's show:
[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Leno Calif Cands
Time: 13s
Out-cue: ]
All of which means means America's largest state is about to replace a Democrat who 45% believe should stay, with a Democrat who 28% are willing to settle for.
-- In a process has the unanimous approval of a federal court.
This is why the Iraqis don't trust us.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS UN/KISSING
Moved: 9/22/2003 12:19
CBS-UN/KISSING 9/22/2003

Kissing, kissing, kissing. This is DR...

I'd like to talk about all the kissing at the Emmy awards, but Brad Garrett and Garry Shandling -- full on the mouth -- 

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Garry Shandling short
Time: 8s
Title: Garry Shandling short
Out-cue: ]

There are just some things no human being should see...

Let's talk about something serious for a change -- like President Bush going to the United Nations to ask for help in Iraq.

Let's see what prominent former Clinton Administration officials like Madeleine Albright are saying about that:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Albright on UN SPEECH
Time: 7s
Title: Albright on UN SPEECH
Out-cue: ]["President Bush has a huge opportunity to try to get some international support."]

A huge opportunity? I've been struggling to come up with a reason why any of the countries who told us NOT to go in so fast would want to help us, now that it's costing mega-gazillions of dollars AND there's no oil because of the ingrates who keep blowing things up.

What could the President possibly do?

Except ... yesss...

He goes to the United Nations, and when NO ONE's expecting it, he ... kisses the French ambassador full on the lips.

Oh, I can almost hear it now:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush UN SHORT
Time: 3s
Title: bush UN SHORT
Out-cue: ]["When it comes to our security, we treally don't need anybody's permission."]

(SMACK... SMACK SMACK) 

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Shandling Crowd React
Time: 7s
Title: Shandling Crowd React
Out-cue: ]

Lips open! Teeth apart.

The French really like that kind of thing.

Plus it'll help win him the California vote.

Now, OK, I know that kissing the French Ambassador on the lips sounds humiliating and unsanitary. But ... it's way better than where the French WANT him to kiss them.

Now this.

This is DR.... 
Index 

CBS DEFICIT
Moved: 9/19/2003 7:45
CBS-DEFICIT 9/19/2003

The story you didn't hear. This is DR....

A lot of things happened this week. The President made it clear that there is no evidence Saddam Hussein had anything to do with 9/11. So that if any of you THOUGHT he did, well, you can't say you heard it from the White House.

Hurricane Isabel defied even Pat Robertson, shifting the mantle of prophecy to the National Weather Service.

Richard Grasso was kicked out as head of the New York Stock exchange after his lump sum payment of 139.5 million dollars turned out to be too generous EVEN for Wall Street. Don't worry -- He'll be OK.

He's in the bracket that's getting the biggest tax cut....

But there was one other story which you may have missed.

The story that the United States of America is way into hock.

Checking the national debt as of Wednesday, the amount we OWE stood at $6,813,529,362,909.03.
That represents an increase, from a year ago, of: 585,293,397,311.87.
Not even counting the President's 87 billion dollar request for next year.

Dave -- you ask, haven't we been hearing numbers more like 480 billion?

Yes; that's because the numbers you've been hearing do NOT include what is borrowed from the Social Security Fund.
Dave, you ask, isn't anyone worried about the effect on interest rates? Well yes, I know of one guy....

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Clinton Interest Rates
Time: 9s
Title: Clinton Interest Rates
Out-cue: ]["All but the most fortunate Americans will give all their tax cut back in higher interest rates as soon as this economy comes back. But it's popular to give the money out now. It's just wrong."]

But we impeach guys like that. 
Index 

CBS ISABEL2
Moved: 9/19/2003 7:44
CBS-ISABEL2 9/19/2003

Putting the Lord to the test. This is DR...

Pat Robertson, on the Christian Broadcasting Network, seeing that Isabel was headed right for CBN headquarters in Virginia Beach, invoked the name of the Lord, and ordered it to turn around.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>pat3
Time: 7s
Title: pat3
Out-cue: ]
["We speak to the winds, and we speak to the waves, and we say peace, be still. Turn away!"]

Now, when I come face to face with something scary, like, the plane hits a little too much turbulence, I wimp out. I just mumble something like "Lord, please let this alcohol work."

But Pat stepped right up:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>pat2
Time: 7s
Title: pat2
Out-cue: Do IT! ]

["We put a wall of protection between us and you in the name of JESUS! Do it!"]

And as for those who simply decided to evacuate -- "the HEATHEN" he called them:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>pat4
Time: 4s
Title: pat4
Out-cue: ]
["What the heathen do is their business but we're people of faith; we believe in God."] 

So I watched. Just as I watched when Pat asked God to remove the liberal justices from the Supreme Court.

I tuned into the Weather Channel expecting to see that sucker (*) turn tail and skedaddle out to sea:

(FADE UP)

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>weather channel 091803 ISABEL
Time: 15s
Title: weather channel 091803 ISABEL
Out-cue: ]["One area that's still getting hit pretty hard is Virginia Beach Virginia, and that's where our own Mike Seidel joins us live. Mike? Christina, Carl, we are still, we are still getting buffeted by winds gusting over 60 miles an hour..."]

Hmmm. Not good. Well, Pat DID pray for a shakeup on the Supreme Court. And Isabel DID hit Washington. 

Maybe he forgot that unfortunately Virginia Beach happens to be on the way. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MISLED
Moved: 9/19/2003 5:25
CBS-MISLED 9/182003

Who misled us? This is DR...

The polls show 70% of Americans believe that Saddam Hussein was somehow behind 9-11. Even though the President denies his administration EVER made that argument:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Bush Al Qaeda And Iraq 091703 SHORT
Time: 3s
Title: Bush Al Qaeda And Iraq 091703 SHORT
Out-cue: ]

OK. But then, where did those 70% get their information?

I put out an APB for people who believe Iraq was behind 9-11, to find out who told them. This caller said it was DEFINITELY the President:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush misled 2
Time: 19s
Title: bush misled 2
In-cue: Caller mis reads quote
Out-cue: ]

Well I looked up that quote.

The President said it all right, but he was referring to Osama bin Laden, not Saddam. Maybe people have wax in their ears.

Or maybe, like this caller, they listened to too much conservative talk radio:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush misled 1
Time: 9s
Title: bush misled 1
Out-cue: ]

But another said it wasn't talk radio -- it was the fact that even DEMOCRATS joined in voting for the war:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush misled 3
Time: 6s
Title: bush misled 3
In-cue: It's the fact that the President
Out-cue: convinced democrats... rock and roll]

Of course, there may be one final overriding factor here that would hold true no matter WHAT:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush misled 4
Time: 6s
Title: bush misled 4
In-cue: There may be one OTHER factor at work here
Out-cue: ...on the wrong guy]

Now this 
Index 

CBS LATTE
Moved: 9/19/2003 5:25
CBS-LATTE 9/17/2003

The people have espress-oed their opinion. This is DR...

The idea was to tax each cup of espresso sold in Seattle 10 cents to raise 7 million dollars for the education of impoverished pre-schoolers.

The tax idea attracted INTERNATIONAL attention.

But in Tuesday's election, 70% of Seattle's voters said no.

Now, having lived here for 25 years, I can tell you, Seattle is firmly ensconced in the blue part of America. Seattleites routinely tax themselves for libraries, theaters, parks, stadiums -- all sorts of things that the Red parts of the country would consider fiscal treason.

In fact, in the same election Tuesday, the same voters passed a measure that orders the police department to make marijuana arrests its lowest priority.

But the late tax was a tax even Seattle hated. Why? 

Because the ten cents was a rip-off? Come on. You're paying $3.75 for eight ounces of coffee! You're already made it clear you don't care if you're ripped off.

No I think I know what the late tax failed.

Because the coverage drove people nuts.

Reporters left no pun unused.

"Controversy BREWS over Latte tax."

"Voters are steamed over latte tax."

"Seattle whipped into frothy lather over espresso tax."

"No taxation on my caffeination"

"The tax on espresso beans isn't peanuts"

We saw it again today, I hope for the last time. "Voters Scald Latte Tax." Latte tax CREAMED. "The people have espress-oed their opinion." THAT's what killed it.

But you know -- now that the Seattle cops can't stop you for pot unless you have lighted joints dangling from your ears, maybe it's time to tax that. 

Hell you could help the poor kids AND buy a second Space Needle.

Unless the puns kill that idea too.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PAT ROBERTSON
Moved: 9/19/2003 5:25
CBS-PAT ROBERTSON ISABEL 9/16/2003

It picked the wrong bull's eye. This is DR...

Isabel is headed towards the Atlantic coast. Plywood is flying off the shelves. 

But one man is taking a stand:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>pat robertson ISABEL 1
Time: 11s
Title: pat robertson ISABEL 1
Out-cue: ]

["Ladies and gentlemen, we would urge you, in addition to getting your plywood up, that you begin to pray. We need to take authority over this thing in the name of Jesus; it can be done."]

That's Pat Robertson, host of the 700 club, who plans to make a spiritual stand against hurricane Isabel.

We debate religion a lot, and my position is, you do controlled experiments -- that's why we were given brains after all. School prayer, for example. You try it in a few schools, and if grades go up, and Ritalin prescriptions go down, maybe it's a good idea.

Same with the ten commandments. You put them up outside a few courthouses, and if law & order breaks out and the courtrooms go empty, we all win.

But THIS is the clearest test I've seen in a long time.

It turns out that Isabel appears headed right for Christian Broadcasting Network Headquarters in Virginia Beach. And so, just as he launched a prayer campaign to turn the Supreme Court around, Pat will launch a prayer campaign to turn Isabel around. 

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>pat robertson ISABEL 2
Time: 13s
Title: pat robertson ISABEL 2
Out-cue: ]

["It's heading right for us the way things are going now, and we're going to ask God to send it out to sea."]

Right now, the storm diagrams are pretty clear. But if they DO turn out to be wrong, and all the precautions were for nothing... don't blame the weather service.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CHENEY
Moved: 9/16/2003 5:24
CBS-CHENEY 9/15/03

It's was probably nothing. This is DR...

Dick Cheney, the vice President, is unflappable. Doesn't matter how tough the question, he's the reassuring voice of wisdom. 

And yesterday Meet the Press threw every loaded question at him it could. 

-- Isn't the recession your fault?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Cheney RECESSION
Time: 3s
Title: Cheney RECESSION
Out-cue: ] "We didn't bear responsibility for creating the circumstances that led to the recession"

-- What about the deficit being visible from space?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Cheney RECESSION 2
Time: 7s
Title: Cheney RECESSION 2
Out-cue: ] "I think we're making significant progress..."

-- What about the Weapons of Mass Destruction not being visible at all?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Cheney WMD CBS cut
Time: 4s
Title: Cheney WMD CBS cut
Out-cue: ] "We will find the Iraqis did have a robust program"

You see? It feels like everything's under control. Just the opposite of listening to a Democrat.

Except -- well, it was probably nothing. I hesitate even to mention it -- but he answers all these tough questions, it seems like everything's under control, and then he's asked if we can handle the cost of the war on terrorism:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Dick Cheney Chokes
Time: 6s
Out-cue: ] "The 87 (AHEM) ...excuse me ... billion we asked for (CLEARS THROAT)

Now ... it could simply mean his allergies suddenly started acting up, but it could also mean that even the Vice President thinks that 87 billion dollars... is WAYYYY too much money.

-- That even he can't believe that with a half trillion dollar deficit, hurricane Isabel heading for the east coast and Ben and J-Lo breaking up that we're giving Iraq and Afghanistan:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Dick Cheney Chokes SHORT
Time: 5s
Title: Dick Cheney Chokes SHORT
Out-cue: ] "87 (AHEM) billion (REPEATED)"

I think we all (COUGH) know the feeling, Mr. Vice President.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FOOD PYRAMID
Moved: 9/12/2003 7:51
CBS-FOOD PYRAMID 9/12/03
Re-shaping the food pyramid. This is DR...
Since 1992, the government has used the food pyramid to guide our eating habits.
And in that time, as far as I can tell, all the food pyramid has done is inspire more of us to try to resemble it.
65% of us are now overweight or obese. 
And you can understand why.
It's confusing. You see, the idea was to put the vegetables and the healthy stuff toward the WIDER part to signify you should eat MORE of them; whereas the delicious desserts and the crisp golden fries were at the narrow part, indicating you should eat less of them.
But what did WE see... we sa the unhealthy stuff was at the TOP, and the healthy stuff at the bottom. 
Well, for most people, "TOP" means "GOOD" -- the eye on the dollar bill -- at the TOP of the pyramid, not the bottom. So people looked at the pyramid, they saw FAT AND OILS right at the top - and they said hallelujah, let's bury our face in a steak!

So now, the government plans to tailor nutritional advice to people's age and activity levels. TWELVE different levels. There'll be special food mixes for active people, and sedentary people. A mix for active middle age people, sedentary middle age people, semi-sedentary middle age people, middle age people who are semi-sedentary but run for the bus occasionally -- look, if we couldn't figure out the food pyramid, HOW are we going to figure THIS out. They may come up with a NEW shape, they say. A food obelisk.
You know what? Forget the shapes. Just make different grades of puppy chow for us.
We'll still be fat, but at least our coats will will be shiny.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS JOHNNY CASH
Moved: 9/12/2003 7:51
CBS-JOHNNY CASH 9/12/03
In his own words. This is DR...
I was looking at some of Johnny Cash's lyrics -- the ones he wrote himself:
Remember Ragged Old Flag, about the torn flag flying over the courthouse square?
...she's getting threadbare and wearing thin, But she's in good shape for the shape she's in... So we raise her up every morning, take her down every night. We don't let her touch the ground and we fold her up right. On second thought, I do like to brag, 'Cause I'm mighty proud of the Ragged Old Flag."

Clearly he had a love of country. 

He also wrote this:

The red men, the white men, no fight ever took this land
So, don't raise the dust when you pass here
They're sleeping, and in my keeping, are these Apache tears.

And this about a dying ex-con:
... They let me out of prison down in Frisco
For ten long years I've paid for what I've done
I was trying to get back to Louisiana
To see my Rose and get to know my son

Mister here's a bag with all my money
IT won't last them long the way it goes
God bless you for finding me this morning
And don't forget to give my love to Rose...

And of course, this one:
I wear the black for the poor and the beaten down,
Livin' IN the hopeless, hungry side of town,
I wear it for the prisoner who has long paid for his crime,
But is there because he's a victim of the times.
Well, we're doin' mighty fine, I do suppose,
In our streak of lightnin' cars and fancy clothes,
But just so we're reminded of the ones who are held back,
Up front there ought 'a be a Man In Black.

Johnny Cash: poet, and patriot: whose love of country was based on a love for the people in it. [All of them.]

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NEVER FORGET
Moved: 9/11/2003 7:27
CBS-NEVER FORGET 9/11/03

Never forget. This is DR...

What does that mean -- Never Forget? I can only tell you what I will never forget: How we ALL felt under attack that day. It wasn't just New York or Washington -- we looked up in the sky and all thought we'd be next.

I'll never forget how, whether you were the World War II generation, the Vietnam generation, or the Desert Storm generation, fundamentalist or atheist, you were a patriot. I will never forget that: how it felt -- not just to be "the United States," but United as people.

One nation, under attack.

It was a time when firefighters and police officers, government employees all, could only be described with two adjectives: "bravest" and "finest."

I will never forget that it was the day the front line came home -- that military people fought and died at their desks.

And I will never forget what it means when we call ordinary people "heroes." It means that one day, one of us could be called upon to do what they did.

I will look at the kids and never forget how it hurts to lose a parent; look at the parents and never forget how it hurts to lose a child.

I will never forget the faces of the victims. Many nations, many races. The diversity wasn't some academic fantasy, it was REAL.

I will never forget what we stand for -- that almost all the people who come to America, legally or even illegally, come not to destroy it, but to be PART of it.

And I will never forget -- that an aging man with a walking stick hiding in the mountains can NEVER take our freedoms away ... unless we let it happen.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS STOWAWAY
Moved: 9/10/2003 7:34
CBS-STOWAWAY 9/10/03

Now we have to worry about terrorists in BOXES. This is DR...

You've heard the story -- Charles McKinley wanted a cheap way to fly home. So, with help from a friend in the Brooklyn warehouse where he worked, he loaded himself into a 350 pound crate with a label that said it contained computer equipment, and stayed put for 15 hours without food or water as he was shipped by truck and plane to his parents' driveway in DeSoto Texas where the truck driver noticed a couple of eyes peering through the slats, and pried him out.

McKinley thanked him and carried the crate into his parents' garage.

Kind of an amusing story. Especially since the cargo fee was over $500. He could have flown coach for $240.

But pilots are not amused.

They say this shows how vulnerable we are to terrorists, and demonstrates why the pilots of cargo planes ought to have guns too.

Thanks to Charles McKinley, there is now the prospect that at any time, a terrorist could emerge from a box and take over the plane. Or that you could open your garage one morning and find Osama rummaging through your power tools.

So for starters, I think we need to train employees of shipping companies to say NO when a friend asks to be loaded into a crate.

Number two -- find the guy who designed the containers CDs come in, and get him to design cargo boxes. The terrorists will suffocate.

But here's what REALLY worries me: what you have here is a guy who was willing to pay more than twice as much as coach to fly 15 hours in a box without food and water. Yes, it may give the terrorists ideas. But I'm worried it'll give the AIRLINES ideas. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS RECALL UPDATE
Moved: 9/9/2003 7:41
CBS-RECALL UPDATE 09/09/03

The issue changes again. This is DR.

It's now exactly one month to the California recall vote. That's the uniquely American election were, according to the latest polls, a governor with only 45% voter support will be replaced by a guy with 30% voter support.

Well, when you have a 38 BILLION dollar deficit, it can make people crazy. 

Except last night I turn on the news, and the big issue is no longer the budget deficit... it's drivers licenses for illegal immigrants. Governor Gray Davis just signed a bill making it legal for illegal immigrants to get drivers licenses, prompting challenger Arnold Schwarzenegger to say he'd repeal it.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>AP-040 CA RECALL
Time: 7s
Title: Schwarzenegger on Licenses
Out-cue: about that]

Huh. I thought all the terrorists were in Iraq now -- isn't that the new plan?

But back to the licenses... I guess it's possible that with this new law, the terrorists will take a number and stand in line instead of just buying a fake license.

But let's be honest -- the real problem isn't that we give licenses to terrorists; the real problem is that we give licenses to people WHO CAN'T DRIVE.

When you're surrounded by a pack of gigantic vehicles going 70 miles an hour, and you see that the guy next to you has some pizza on the dashboard and girl in his lap, do you say to yourself, 'Well, at least he's not an immigrant"?

You see -- we put a teenager in a car, lead him to a cul-de-sac, test him on a few hand signals he'll never use, have him parallel park exactly ONCE, ask permission to transplant his organs, and then release him with a license to drive alone on the freeway!

THERE's your problem.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BUSH SPEECH
Moved: 9/8/2003 8:02
CBS-BUSH SPEECH 9/08/03

87 billion. This is DR...

The President's done what his critics demanded... laid out the cost of the war. Another 70 billion for Iraq; another 17 billion for Afghanistan.

And he laid out the mission. Iraq's weapons programs ... are now firmly embedded in the PAST TENSE, the NEW reason we're in Iraq is to defeat the terrorists who we attracted there.

Basically we outsmarted them. They attack us here; WE start a war in a completely different place. Like setting up a bug zapper 8,000 miles away. 

As for the cost -- 87 billion for Iraq and Afghanistan sounds like a lot, but nowhere in the speech was there any mention of more taxes. So as far as we taxpayers are concerned... this one's FREE.

Instead of taxes, the President will to do some international fundraising... on the rubber hummus circuit:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush contribute SHORT
Time: 9s
Title: bush contribute SHORT
Out-cue: ]

And I'm sure they will. You'll your sustaining members, supporting members, the Patrons of the Fertile Crescent Club.

Just as a backup, though, if you have any friends overseas, I'd drop them a line explaining the benefits of helping us, and how if they don't, we will NEVER ask them to help pay for one of our wars EVER again.

Because if this fails -- well, that's what Senator Bob Graham was worrying about on Larry King Live:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bob graham SHORT
Time: 7s
Title: bob graham SHORT
Out-cue: ]

I... say we ask the grandchildren.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NORTH KOREA
Moved: 8/29/2003 7:42
CBS-NORTH KOREA 8/29/2003

Is North Korea going to nuke us, or not? This is DR.

I wish whoever is covering this story would get it straight. First we hear that North Korea plans to test a weapon, then we hear, no they really WON'T test a weapon, then we hear they've developed missiles that could hit Alaska or Hawaii -- but hang on! 

What would be the point of attacking Alaska or Hawaii? We've got armies and planes and missiles everywhere. They're not going to catch us sleeping at Pearl Harbor again, and if they so much as took aim, we'd vaporize every goose-stepper they have, and I'm betting even France would support us.

Maybe they calculate that the simply the THREAT of an attack would make us pay some sort of ransom.

But this morning there's a map in the paper of North Korea with little red dots marking their nuclear sites.

I'm betting Pacific fleet programmed those coordinates into a whole bunch of missiles long ago.

How about this. Nobody's on North Korea's side. Suppose we all refuse to be scared, keep North Korea surrounded, and let Kim Jong Il spend what little wealth is has on a crash nuclear program.

What's likely to happen? Well look at what happened to us. We're STILL trying to clean up after our bombs.

You can find estimates for the total cost of cleaning up the America's nuclear program that range from 85 billion dollars all the way to 150 billion dollars. That's for a weapon we used in battle exactly twice.

North Korea's entire gross national product is only 22 billion. About equal to Montana.

The only thing Kim Jong Il will blow up .. is his own economy.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS COW POT
Moved: 8/29/2003 7:42
CBS-COW-POT 8/29/2003

Someone's telling us to give it up. This is DR...

For years, the United States has been fighting a war on marijuana, trying to stop the stuff at the borders, even going into other countries to try to stop it at the source.

In a way, it's working. It's working so well that Mexican pot smugglers, unable to smuggle their pot across the borders because of all the new security, have simply decided to grow it here.

They've set up plantations to remote areas of national forests, and even national parks -- including California's Sequoia National Park.

Last year, federal agents pulled up 1.5 billion dollars worth of pot plants just in California.
And with the drug lords posting armed guards at their hijacked plantations, it's getting more dangerous too.

But here's the story that tells me that there's no way to win this.

Dateline Ticonderoga, New York. Police in Ticonderoga, 80 miles north of Albany, yanked up 955 marijuana plants this week. They do it every year at the request of the farmer who owns the land. Police Chief Jeffrey Cook says nobody is intentionally planting the seeds.
Rather, the hemp sprouts every year from seeds spread by cows that browse on scattered plants leftover from an earlier pot crop.

You see? This is a message. It's one thing when evil drug smugglers plant the stuff, but when COWS start planting it -- the battle's lost. I think it's a message from God. He's saying "give it up."

It also explains why cows always look kind of stoned. I always wondered why they let us milk them.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CIA INTEL NOT USED
Moved: 8/29/2003 7:14
CBS-CIA INTEL 8/28/2003 [NOT USED]

Was the CIA tricked? This is DR...

122 days since the official end of hostilities; still no weapons of you know what. And according to a report in the LA Times, the CIA now suspects it was tricked.

I don't know HOW they came to suspect that; it must involve some super-sophisticated device that eavesdrops on Pentagon press conferences:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>rumsfeld2 SHORT
Time: 9s
Title: rumsfeld2
In-cue: 1/15/2003 explaining Iraq
Out-cue: ]

Yes -- a device which, when it senses a wacky remark like that, waits several months, and then sounds an alarm. What'll they think of next!

Anyway, based on this hunch that our side was duped, the CIA wants to find out who might have done the duping, and how they got away with it.

Among the possible culprits -- Iraqi "double agents" who posed as defectors, came to the West, and then made up convincing stories about weapons. Another possibility: that bogus information was fed to legitimate defectors.

But here's the quote I like (QUOTE) "There is growing concern, one US intelligence official said, 'that people were just telling us what we wanted to hear.'"

Do you think?

But wait -- wouldn't the CIA use some of its billions to check out such claims by finding ACTUAL evidence.

(FAST) Wait a minute -- they did that. They snapped pictures. Eavesdropped on conversations. They found NO actual evidence.

But wait a minute again -- the fact that they didn't find evidence was evidence of the evidence they weren't finding!

So the fact that they still can't find it proves once and for all... it's there!

What's to investigate?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ARNOLD
Moved: 8/28/2003 7:46
CBS-ARNOLD 8/28/2003

Arnold outed. This is DR...

No sooner did the Ten Commandments go INTO the closet, than Arnold's Schwarzenegger's violation of at least one of them came out.

It's not as if he didn't warn everybody:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>schwarz woman SHORT
Time: 10s
Title: schwarz woman SHORT
Out-cue: ]

And sure enough a web site has posted his 1977 interview with a men's magazine including the following excerpts:

"Bodybuilders party a lot, and once in Gold's, the gym in Venice, California, where all the top guys train, there was a black girl who came out naked. Everybody jumped on her and took her upstairs, where we all got together.

Q: A gang bang?

A: Yes, but not everybody." 

Good thing he's a Republican. If he was a Democrat, this stuff would be morally wrong.

Later in the interview he says (QUOTE) 

"If a girl comes on strong and says I really dig your body, and I want to BLEEP the BLEEP out of you, I just decide whether or not I like her. If I do, I take her home. I try to make sure I get as much out of it as she does."

Asked whether it's bad to have sex the night before a competition, he answers:

(QUOTE) I get laid on purpose. I can't sleep before competition ... so instead of staring at the ceiling, I figure I might as well find somebody and BLEEP.

Q: Do you use dope?

A: Yes, grass and hash, no hard drugs. But the point is I do what I feel like doing. (UNQUOTE) 

You see the problem? You what's going on here? Even back in 1977 you couldn't get him to say what programs he'd cut.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TEN COMMANDMENTS
Moved: 8/26/2003 5:23
CBS-TEN COMMANDMENTS 8/22/2003

Let God decide. This is DR...

In Alabama, the tiff over the Ten Commandments has gone all the way.

Despite two legal orders, Chief Justice Roy Moore has refused to remove his granite version of the Ten Commandments from the rotunda of the Alabama Supreme Court.

He says the Judge who ordered him to do it put himself "above the law and above God" and he has a crowd of supporters who vow to block the removal of that rock with their bodies if necessary.

What to do now -- go to the Supreme Court? That would take years. 

No, I think Judge Moore himself came up with the right way to resolve this dispute:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Roy Moore
Time: 14s
Title: Roy Moore
Out-cue: ]

And that's the answer: invoke the favor and guidance of Almighty God, as per the Alabama State Constitution.

Let God decide.

The judge and his supporters should gather around the rock, and pray. "Dear Lord, you know how important this monument is to us, but, Lord not our will, but thy will be done."

And then they should step aside, and let the workers move in with the hoist.

If, as hard as those workers try, that stone monument cannot be budged -- then God has spoken, and Judge Moore keeps his job. If, however, the monument DOES move, then God has ALSO spoken. And what he's said is, Thou Shalt Not Worship Rocks. 

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS GAS PRICE
Moved: 8/26/2003 5:23
CBS-GAS PRICE 8/25/2003

HOW much is gas? This is DR...

Gas prices are hovering around two dollars a gallon in a lot of places -- over THREE DOLLARS in the Phoenix area because of a pipeline break.

And we're all convinced that the oil companies are making a killing. Well, I've covered this story many times before.

Here's the drill. No one's making a killing. 

Local gas station owners hate this even MORE than as you do. They have to charge what the distributor charges them, the distributor has to charge what ever he paid on wholesale market, and so on and so on until the money basically disappears.

That's right. Nobody gets the money.

The word from Phoenix is that gas prices there were so high, that some people -- I hope you're sitting down -- TOOK THE BUS!

That last coping tool is so rare that the Arizona Republic ran a list of hints on how to use a bus, including tips like "As the bus approaches, signal the operator to stop by waving." And this one: (QUOTE) "About one block before your destination, signal the operator that you want to get off."

You can't keep US down for long!

The good news is -- pipeline workers have found a way around the pipeline break in Phoenix, and for the rest of the country, the end of the summer driving season, and getting those eastern refineries back on line after the blackout should soon bring gas prices to civilized levels again.

Environmentalists and vegans will argue that if we'd all just drive those little bubbleator cars, we wouldn't have this problem.

Yes, but then we would all feel like jerks. 

Remember: Gallon of gas -- $3.00. Knowing that your vehicle is big enough to occupy Iraq -- priceless.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ELECTRICITY
Moved: 8/19/2003 8:09
CBS-ELECTRICITY 8/18/2003

Living in a china shop. This is DR...

You know the most remarkable thing about the blackout -- almost all the cool pictures came from New York City... but the problem didn't start in New York City. It started somewhere in Ohio.

And the impact wasn't just confined to the Northeast -- it affected anyone who did BUSINESS with the Northeast, anyone who wanted to fly TOWARD the Northeast, or whose gate is occupied by a plane that COULDN'T fly to the Northeast.

This came right on the heels of the Blaster computer worm, which started in China ... and slowly it begins to dawn on you, the government can snoop on our e-mail, our library records, make us fly naked -- there's no real Homeland Security!

Because we're living in a china shop.

No one knows what caused the blackout yet, but we ALL know it will be something ridiculously small -- a lot smaller than what the evil ones could do if they wanted to.

We have a system where a power bump in Ohio can fill the Brooklyn Bridge with pedestrians. We have a system where a computer worm from China can close down the Maryland Department of licensing.

It's like designing an airplane where if the toilet overflows the wings fall off. 

My fellow Americans -- we may well be rebuilding the wrong country. Now that saboteurs have gone after the Baghdad water main and the oil pipeline to Turkey, it's looking like we'll have to reconstruct Iraq al least TWICE.

Meantime, parts of our own country -- like the power grid -- date back to the FIFTIES.

That's the trouble with being the only superpower. Who's gonna invade and rebuild US?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQ
Moved: 8/19/2003 8:09
CBS-IRAQ 8/19/2003

Somebody wants a bigger fight. This is DR.

Just as a news conference was underway at UN Headquarters in Baghdad, a giant bomb went off outside, collapsing the front of the building.

It turns out a delegation of US members of Congress was scheduled to be at that news conference. But they were late, and never got there. To quote an aide to one of the Senators -- "We're lucky."

Somebody is really serious about picking a fight with us.

We keep capturing the bad guys, but it just attracts NEW bad guys. Bad guys who've always wanted a chance to get Americans, and suddenly find the commute is now a lot shorter.

Of course, this attack not militarily significant -- anymore than picking off individual soldiers is militarily significant. But terrorists aren't looking for a military victory; the UN wasn't the ultimate target today -- you and I are the ultimate targets.

They want to remind us that this won't be the kind of fight we expected. 

Thanks. We get it. 

Today is significant for another reason, too.

Today marks 111 days since the official end of the war. That's exactly how long we gave the UN inspectors before running out of patience. After 111 days we decided the inspectors had had plenty of time to find the Saddam's weapons, and that, backed up by overwhelming evidence, we had no choice but to defy the cautious voices from Russia, France, and Germany, and find those weapons ourselves.

The difference is, there is no higher authority to run out of patience with us, except us. And the terrorists know it.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS 76 UNKNOWNS
Moved: 8/13/2003 8:03
76UNKNOW.SNG 08/12/03 8:36 PMDLR 0:39

[76troa.sq1]

California's got trouble. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Yes, California's got trouble. And there's only one thing to do... Oh, that Recall will do it my friends! California needs that recall and she needs that recall today.

You'll see the glitter of celebrities! The clatter of untested promises. And you'll feel something akin to the electric thrill of what we all felt the day Al Gore, Ralph Nader, and George W Bush, all ran for election on the very same day!

Seventy six unknowns led the big charade,
With 110 like them close at hand
They were followed by rows and rows of names nobody knows 
For a race that no one understands.

They took every single letter in the alphabet
Mixed em up, mixed em up, eighty different ways
It sounds like what we have here is the start of a
Repeat of FLORIDA  
Don't you miss those days?

There was Bustamante Huffington and Ueberroth
Republicans, Democrats, golly this is fun.
Those who have to tally them 
May need a dose of Valium
But we'll show those Iraqis how it's done!

Seventy six unknowns led the big charade,
But they knew they would never get on the air
Because it depends on fame, and the story's still the same
That unless your name is AHNULD no one cares...

~C:\works\files\76UNKNOW.SNG

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>76 Unknowns Final KIRO
Time: 81s
Out-cue: ] 
Index 

CBS MSBLASTER
Moved: 8/12/2003 7:44
CBS-MSBLASTER 8/12/2003

I think our computers hate us. This is DR...

At least once a month, I get a message on my computer saying that Windows has discovered a critical update I need to install.

And it's never an update that will stop those annoying beeps, or make my printer cartridges cheaper -- it's always a security update. To correct some flaw that's been lurking in my machine all along, but which it just decided to tell me about.

Have you noticed that about computers? They're always under construction. It's like going to the airport. They're always remodeling something. 

They hate us! Always pointing out our mistakes no matter how innocent. And picking up EVERY POSSIBLE infection. Now there's MS-Blaster -- the latest Internet worm, which originated in China. And what IT does is reset your machine repeatedly, then hypnotizes it so that on August 16 it will go nuts, sending random strings of data to Microsoft, in an attempt to bring down the very web site that issues security fixes. 

Now admittedly there are a lot of people who would have NO problem at all chucking random strings of data - or most anything else -- at Microsoft. But really all we want is for our computers to LOVE us! We don't want machines which can be infected by some pimple faced-teenager in China. At least if he was from Iraq we could surround his house and blow him up.

And you know what researchers found when they examined the worm? An embedded message. (QUOTE) "Billy gates, why do you make this possible... fix your software." (UNQUOTE)

It's a sad state of affairs when even the HACKERS are fed up with how easy it is.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS RECALL
Moved: 8/11/2003 7:52
CBS-RECALL 8/11/2003

Governor Arnold. This is DR...

The California ballot, will, it turns out, will be a model of grassroots democracy in action -- close to 200 names, arranged in random order, in a state where almost half the counties still use punch cards! That's going to mean some pretty big punch cards or some REALLY tiny holes.

But who are we kidding by pretending it's a contest?

The latest polls show Gray Davis with just under 30% support, which means he'll clearly get the boot, and Arnold with support from more than 40%.

So Arnold is the new governor IF... IF he can keep his mouth shut. He must spend his time high-fiving school children, and say nothing.

But Dave, you say, doesn't have to announce his economic plan? Doesn't he have to tell the people where he'll find 38 billion dollars?

No! How could announcing a substantive program POSSIBLY help him? He got a 40% margin by saying his toughest decision up to now was getting a bikini wax. The public has spoken.

If he started talking about the 38 billion dollars, he'd have to talk about firing people, gutting state pensions, raising taxes. None of that has anywhere NEAR the voter appeal of removing unsightly hair.

The trouble is -- and I've seen this happen too many times to count -- politicians during a campaign are seized by an uncontrollable urge to make promises. Crazy things. Just to win an election. Like the national politician who once said (QUOTE) "I don't think nation-building missions are worthwhile."

Arnold must resist that. The networks record all this stuff, and it will only come back to haunt him.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS KOBE
Moved: 8/8/2003 7:45
CBS-KOBE 8/09/2003

What happened to Kobe? This is DR...

You know the REAL problem with the California recall story? It blew the Kobe Bryant story right off the front pages.

And that's a shame because I wanted to hear more CNN analysis of Kobe's seven-minute court appearance:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>kobe4
Time: 9s
Out-cue: ]

Correct! Can you IMAGINE!? America obsessed with celebrity! But no, no, there must be another reason for all this:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>kobe3
Time: 4s
Out-cue: ]

Ah, yes -- the courts must discover WHY Kobe Bryant, finding a young woman in his room, decided to have sex with her! 

That's going to require all sorts of expert witnesses. Magic Johnson, Wilt Chamberlain...

Because you can't overstate the importance of this case:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>kobe2
Time: 3s
Out-cue: ]

And we've ALL felt it. The idea that a young millionaire NBA athlete would have sex with someone NOT his wife! It's BEYOND imagination!

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>kobe1
Time: 6s
Out-cue: ]

The best! Although, I must point out, those things no longer include Nutella.

But even more tragically, as CNN reported, the Kobe Bryant story is already moving in a disturbing direction:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>kobe5
Time: 7s
Out-cue: ]

Are you sure? Are you REALLY sure? Because we've been doing so well without them!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CALIFORNIA
Moved: 8/8/2003 7:44
CBS-CALIFORNIA 8/8/2003

Recall logic. This is DR...

So far, 37 candidates have filed to run for Governor of California -- including Gary Coleman, the comedian Gallagher, and now former baseball commissioner Peter Ueberroth. There's a sport with a rock-solid financial model -- BASEBALL.

-- And of course the guy who's proved that a former womanizer and pot-smoker CAN find a home in the Republican party, as long as he's rich, famous, and ... NOT GAY.

But enough of the tawdry circus. Let's try to UNDERSTAND the California recall process.

It BEGINS simply enough. If more than 50% vote to recall Gray Davis, he's out.

I got that.

However, he wouldn't be replaced by the Lieutenant Governor. Because in California the Lieutenant Governor evidently only steps in if absolutely everybody else in the state is dead.

So instead, the same voters, at the same time, vote for a replacement for the governor, EVEN those voters who don't want him recalled.

So if, say, 20% want to keep him, that means you have only 80% of the voters voting for their first choice as governor.

OK. If there are 40 candidates, that means you could conceivably win with -- let's see, 80% divided by 40 is TWO! You could win with 2% of the votes of the people who actually wanted you as their first choice.

OK. So with the latest polls showing Gray Davis' approval rating at 20%, this means you have a recall process which could remove a governor whose approval rating is 20%, and replace him with a governor who is the first choice of TWO percent.

It's Baghdad on the Pacific!

But no problem, because if the new guy tanks, he can always be ... recalled.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SCHWARZENEGGER
Moved: 8/8/2003 5:19
CBS-SCHWARZENEGGER 8/7/2003

Regime change on steroids. This is DR...

Now THIS is how a campaign should be run.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>schwarz1 SHORT
Time: 9s
Title: schwarz1 SHORT
Out-cue: ]

Yeah! That's how I feel! Especially after a few beers! And I don't even live there!

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>schwarz hasta la vista
Time: 11s
Title: schwarz hasta la vista
Out-cue: ]

Yeah! I loved that movie!

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>schwarz pump up
Time: 6s
Out-cue: ]

I'm with ya baby, now let's go kick some Iraqi butt! I mean... let's balance the budget.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>schwarz money
Time: 10s
Out-cue: ]

See? What else you need in a candidate? He's rich, and he remembers the lines to his movies.

Well, actually, just one thing more -- could we have a little scandal?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>schwarz woman SHORT
Time: 10s
Title: schwarz woman SHORT
Out-cue: ]

Oh yeah! Bimbo eruptions! I'm in heaven...

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>schwarz staff SHORT
Time: 8s
Title: schwarz staff SHORT
Out-cue: ]

No, I'm sure the media will ignore that aspect of the story to cover the nuanced complexities of revenue augmentation.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TOUCHING
Moved: 8/8/2003 5:19
CBS-TOUCHING 8/6/2003

It is done. This is DR...

The Episcopal Church, after the quickest investigation of a sexual harassment charge in recorded history, has approved Gene Robinson as Bishop of the New Hampshire Diocese.

When that e-mail appeared accusing him of inappropriate touching, I launched into a tirade about how gay people should avoid ANY touching. Not the forearm, not the shoulder -- NOTHING, I railed. I thought I was kind of joking.

Well the investigation -- which basically involved calling up and talking to David Lewis, the guy who wrote the e-mail -- well, let me quote from the news dispatch: "Lewis said Robinson had touched him on the ARM and UPPER BACK in front of other people."

Whoa! I'll bet videos of THAT little mènage a deux will be ALL OVER the Internet! 

But ... not even the Patriot Act prohibits that, so the Bishops voted to approve him.

And you'd think they'd approved Kobe Bryant. There were dire warnings NOT just from conservative Episcopal Bishops but from an even higher authority -- Pat Robertson:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>patroberton SHORT
Time: 6s
Title: Episcopal Church in ashes
Out-cue: ]

Ka POW! Well, I guess we'll see, won't we?

If Pat's right, then I would expect that a year from now -- the church won't be there. Its pews will be empty; its cathedrals turned into funky little theme restaurants; its clergy looking for work. God will have spoken.

If, however, it is thriving; people love Bishop Robinson; they're wearing buttons saying "Go ahead, touch my upper back"... then God will ALSO have spoken.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ROBINSON
Moved: 8/5/2003 7:39
CBS-ROBINSON 8/5/2003
Hey, who said church was dull. This is DR...
Episcopal Church officials were all ready to ratify Gene Robinson as their first openly gay bishop when one David Lewis, a parishoner from Manchester Vermont, hit the "send" button, and just like that, an e-mail showed up on the screens of some of the delegates.
It said that Gene Robinson should not become a bishop -- but not because of his gayness. 
"When I first encountered Gene... a couple of years ago," the e-mail said, "he put his hands on me inappropriately every time I engaged him in conversation. No gay man has ever behaved toward me in this way..." Lewis went on to point out that although he himself is straight, he's been in show business in Boston, New York, and Los Angeles. He knows the good gays from the bad gays.
And he says Rev Robinson's problem is not that he's gay, but that he's a TOUCHER.
Is it true? We await the investigation. The newspapers are saying David Lewis is not the type to lie, and that moreover, he actually supports the blessing of gay unions, something even more controversial than a gay bishop.
Whatever the case, if Rev. Robinson did this, never mind his gayness, you'd have to question his sanity. 
Teachers know it. Presidents know it. Even professional basketball players are coming to understand it.
If you're a man in a public position, any human body other than your own (or your mate's) is radioactive.
I wouldn't even do the forearm touch, much less the shoulder touch, never the butt pat, and I'd sooner hug a tar ball.
The rules today are clear. Sexuality out of the closet; hands into the pockets.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS EPISCOPAL
Moved: 8/5/2003 5:22
CBS-EPISCOPAL 8/4/2003

The culprit in the pulpit. This is DR...

The Episcopal Church is struggling with the election of Rev Gene Robinson as its first openly gay bishop. And in debates like this, you have to ask, why is it that good people who go to the same church, and read from the same bible can't agree on something as fundamental as the sleeping habits of its clergy?

Is it Bishop Robinson's fault, and if not, whose?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>CBS 100 BISHOP
Time: 9s
Title: CBS 100 BISHOP
Out-cue: FROM GOD]

Did you hear what he said? That's it! The smoking gun. Bishop Robinson was called... by GOD. That's what's happening here! 

The Big Guy is out of control! He is deliberately calling gay men to the ministry. Maybe He thinks it still means "happy" -- but whatever the case, there's only one thing left to do. 

For eons, we here on earth have looked to HEAVEN for advice. Well, with all due respect, maybe it's time that Heaven got a little EARTHLY advice.

I don't know whether it needs to be in the form of legislation, or if we need to send an aircraft carrier somewhere, but we need to let The Big Guy know that he's GOT to be a little more selective about who He calls.

Shepherds, tax collectors, other people not on the "A" list -- that was fine back THEN. But face it -- the early church would NEVER have gotten liability insurance with a hiring policy like that.

Times have changed.

I guess that's the trouble when you're almighty. You tend to get a little arrogant. 

Don't worry Lord -- our religious institutions are ready to set You straight.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SAUDI GAP
Moved: 7/25/2003 8:01
CBS-SAUDI 7/25/2003

The 28 page gap. This is DR.

The September 11th report is out, and you can now study in great detail all the screw ups that left us blind to what was cooking in the minds of those 19 hijackers.

But there is one part you CAN'T read -- 28 pages following the heading "Finding, discussion and narrative regarding certain sensitive national security matters."

The public version of the report leaves all 28 pages blank. 

That'll throw us off. Most people probably won't notice.

Although one news agency, AFP DID notice, and upon investigating reports that the topsecret pages concern the Saudi policy of supporting fundamentalism, despite warnings from the US starting in 1996 that this was a bad idea because the money was going to terrorists.

Heck the VISIBLE part of the report the bad enough for Saudi Arabia -- it shows that one Omar alBayoumi could have been a Saudi government agent, which is also bad -- because he was a close associate of two of the September 11th hijackers.

Mr Al-Bayoumi, despite only being a student, had access to seemingly unlimited funding from Saudi Arabia, the report says, at one point delivering 400,000 dollars from Saudi Arabia for the Kurdish mosque in San Diego."

Which must have looked pretty impressive in the collection plate.

So we are left to wonder why exactly are we protecting Saudi Arabia? If it turns out that they didn't cooperate in tracking down terrorists, if it turns out that they funded terrorists, why not tell us?
Unless perhaps those 28 pages might indicate that the country we SHOULD have attacked was a little to the south of the one we DID attack...
Now this. 
Index 

CBS DEAD SONS
Moved: 7/25/2003 8:00
CBS-DEAD SONS 7/25/2003

Death becomes them. This is DR...

What does it take? I can understand that Iraqis may express many legitimate doubts about the American military. They may legitimately question its ability to restore water and power. They may question its ability to protect museums. They may even question its ability to establish a multiethnic Democratic utopia. 

But how in the world can they question its ability to KILL people?

Please! Now we've had to set up a tent and invite journalists to take their own full frontal videos of Uday and Qusai. And the videos, in case you haven't seen them, look like an episode of Xtreme Makeover.

Those two look great. For a couple of dead guys. Very peaceful. No longer showing any interest in pornography or firearms... 

And not only that -- there is an official autopsy report, establishing Udai likely died from a blow to the head, while Qusai died of two bullet wounds to his head. Followed by a number of insurance rounds.

Now we're told the bodies will be kept under refrigeration until a family member comes forward to pick them up. I dunno -- is that such a good idea? Some cousin might take them to the secret underground bionic lab -- the one next door to the secret underground nuclear lab "We can rebuild them. We can make them even more repulsive than they were."

Man, if this is what we have to do to convince the Iraqi people that Uday and Qusai are dead, what's it going to take when the 101st finally catches up with Saddam? 

I guess in the end there's only way to prove a tyrant is dead. Put the body near a cassette machine and see if the hand reaches for the record button.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS 9 11 INVESTIGATION
Moved: 7/25/2003 8:00
9-11 INVESTIGATION 7/24/2003

One horse too late. This is DR.

The investigation into the intelligence failures leading up to the September 11th attacks has found plenty.

For example. The National Security Agency had intercepted conversations in 1999 indicating that two of the future hijackers had Al-Qaida connections ... but the information wasn't shared with other agencies that might have done something about it.

As early as 1994 there was information that al-Qaeda wanted to use airplanes as weapons.

But there was nothing specific.

Which brings up the BIG question -- what SHOULD we have done with this information.

"Dave," you say, "No one can know!"

But actually we CAN. How can we know? Because we are right now in the same position we were then. Lots of potential threats; nothing specific. And so what are we doing? We are scanning every piece of luggage at great expense, we are scanning and de-shoeing every airline passenger at great personal inconvenience, and we're letting the FBI snoop through library and business records at some Constitutional discomfort. 

The ONE thing that's different -- is that people are NOW willing to tolerate this. It takes a little more acid reflux medication, but we tolerate it.

Back THEN, we'd have rolled our eyes at the idea that box cutters could change the skyline, or that a shoe might be dangerous.

Because it is human nature to close the barn door one horse too late.

And we saw it again yesterday in New York.

Who thought a guy with a gun could surf past the metal detector on the coattails of a city councilman? No one ... but the guy who did it.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS UDAY & QUSAY
Moved: 7/25/2003 8:00
CBS-UDAY & QUSAI 7/23/03

Uday and Qusay -- ix-nay. This is DR.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>sanchez1
Time: 6s
Out-cue: ]

General Roberto Sanchez has no doubt, President Bush has no doubt. But reporters expressed plenty of doubt:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>sanchez4
Time: 9s
Out-cue: ]

He's saying the man on the street, the very person we need to believe this story, DOESN'T believe it:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>sanchez5
Time: 9s
Out-cue: ]

And when reporters weren't asking how will you prove they're dead, they were asking why did you kill them at all?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>sanchez8
Time: 25s
Title: combines 2 and 3
Out-cue: ]

Ah, nothing in Iraq is easy. But consider what we just heard. A powerful general holding a news conference in Baghdad, willingly fielding hostile questions from reporters who then returned to their hotels unmolested. Maybe the way to show Iraqis it's a new day is just to broadcast more stuff like that.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS LYNCH
Moved: 7/22/2003 8:00
CBS-LYNCH 7/22/2003

Welcome home. This is DR...

Jessica Lynch returns home to Palestine West Virginia to a joyous welcome. 

Flags, cheers, patriotism, gratitude for her safe return.

And the medals! The Bronze Star for meritorious combat service, the Purple Heart for being wounded in combat, and the Prisoner of War medals.

The one thing we can't see -- is what her parents are thinking.

There is a code among military families that you don't complain. In fact, wives of soldiers in the Third Infantry Division, who have seen their husbands' homecoming postponed, have been warned by the wife of the commanding general that while she UNDERSTANDS their frustration, to express it openly is tantamount to aiding the enemy.

But as a parent of a 19 year old myself, I think I know what I would feel.
I would still be scared -- knowing that 11 of her fellow soldiers didn't survive that day.
I would publicly take pride in those medals, but privately wish she had never gotten them.
I would look at her using that walker and ask whether my country's safety was really at stake.

And I would think of the almost daily reports of American soldiers being ambushed, and wonder about the ones that were merely wounded ... the ones we don't hear about.

The trickle of casualties in Iraq is not militarily significant, as we've been told several times. We are the clear victors, and a few die-hards are to be expected at the end of any conflict.

But seeing the celebration in West Virginia, it's worth remembering that behind EVERY soldier sent to a combat zone -- there is a family, there are friends, and there is a hometown hoping for a celebration.

Now this. 
Index 

JUST A CLOSER WALK
Moved: 7/21/2003 6:42
JUST A CLOSER WALK 7/21/2003

A hymn for Pat. This is DR...
As Pat Robertson prays to have the liberals removed from the Supreme Court, we thought a special hymn would help out. So here it is, dedicated to those three doomed justices, who need to take Just a Closer Walk With Thee:

Make judge Stevens walk with thee
(To a) little cottage by the sea
A place so pretty he'll forget 
(It's in the) path of Hurricane Claudette.

Help judge Ginsburg hear this plea
(That) she retire gracefully
(She could) take a nice relaxing trip
... we'd suggest the Gaza Strip

Judge O'Connor's number three
Help her take a walk with thee
(Won't you) Help this judge to see the light
Of an ... oncoming car tomorrow night.

(05+2) Lord, that's why we're on the air
(So you'll) send those judges you know where
(SLOWER)
(06+2) And so they don't get lost on Judgment Day...
(A TEMPO)
(07+2) Oh, Dear Lord, please send Pat to show the way!

~C:\works\files\JUSTACLO.SNG

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Just A Closer Walk With Thee MONO
Time: 78s
Out-cue: ] 
Index 

CBS BUDGET LETTER
Moved: 7/16/2003 8:29
CBS-BUDGET-LETTER 7/16/2003

Another actual e-mail. This is DR...

Dear Dave,

My employer has just reworked our withholding ... from the Presidents big tax cut... I 
don't know which I should do first. Would it be better if I started up my 
own company or [bought] a new yacht? While a new company would [provide] jobs and all that, a new boat would provide immediate stimulus to a troubled economy. I am unable to do both because I will only be getting about $26.00 more a month.

Please advise.

Daniel in Tacoma

Well Daniel, yours is a dilemma that we all face: the Yacht, or the Company. 

Now, a yacht provides a gentle rocking motion which helps you get to sleep no matter how big the federal deficit gets.

But there IS something to be said for starting the company, as long as it's the RIGHT company, such as a company that specializes in building barracks in desert climates.

The commute is kind of a bummer, with the gunfire and all, but with your own company, you can give yourself a generous retirement plan, which you may need, since we're financing that deficit with money from the Social Security fund, which means a future Generation X Congress will probably decide that only slackers retire in their sixties, and real men don't retire until well into their nineties.

On the other hand the yacht might help there too, because at least you could sail up to Canada on the weekends to buy your heart medicine, and then down to Mexico to get a really cheap restaurant meal.

So my advice is, take your $26 and go ahead and start a company ... that builds yachts... for the troops in Iraq!

Now this.

This is dave@daveross.com; on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS ROBERTSON
Moved: 7/15/2003 9:26
CBS-ROBERTSON 7/15/2003
Praying for a miracle. This is DR...
The Supreme Court's 6-3 ruling to decriminalize sodomy was the last straw. 
Evangelist Pat Robertson says this will lead to gay marriage and other depravity and so he's declared a 21-day prayer offensive designed to focus divine will on the Court. Or more specifically, the three least-healthy members of the Court -- in hopes that God will encourage them to retire.
To help guide God's hand he pointed out that one justice is 83 years old, another has cancer, another has a heart condition.
[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>robertson071403 SHORT
Time: 7s
Title: robertson071403 SHORT
Out-cue: your mighty arm ]
I don't know -- that almost sounds like he's invoking a more permanent form of retirement. But then Pat's been unhappy with the court for some time. Three years ago, after the court ruled against public prayer in a Texas case, he called it a "tyranny of an oligarchy," and said that Christians should "think about revolt."
However, don't think for one moment that Pat is some kind of anarchist.
There is one authority figure he definitely does NOT want replaced, and who in fact continues to receive his unwavering support. Liberian President Charles Taylor. 
Last week Pat Robertson scolded President Bush for trying to force Taylor out, saying the US was "undermining a Christian, Baptist President to bring in Muslim rebels." Not to mention that he and Taylor are partners in a Liberian gold mining venture.
But it actually makes sense.
Taylor is only an indicted war criminal who kills people. It's not like he'd ever allow gay marriage.
Now this.
This is DR. 
Index 

CBS FORGERY
Moved: 7/14/2003 7:38
CBS-FORGERY 7/14/2003

What to do about all those rogue notions. This is DR...

We know the Iraqi uranium deal story has been declared officially over; we know that officially CIA Director George Tenet is to blame for failing to strike the sentence.

But what we still don't know is how it GOT there to begin with.

In his news release, Tenet calls it troubling that the 16 words (QUOTE) "eventually made it into the State of the Union Speech."

"Made it into the speech." But how? Did they sprout little feet?

Plus now we learn that the same uranium claim had already been struck once -- after "making it into" a speech last October.

It can't be an accident, because say what you want, this Administration is VERY careful about the facts it releases.

Remember the story last month about the EPA's big environmental report?

It came out that The White House very carefully edited the climate section -- to cut the part describing risks from Global Warming.
I quote the New York Times: "The editing eliminated references to many studies concluding that warming is at least partly caused by rising ... emissions."
You see? The White House was able to see RIGHT THROUGH the Global Warming scam. I mean, those climatologists didn't fool them ONE MOMENT.
And yet, a squirelly reference to a uranium deal, which had already been cut once, somehow "makes its way" NOT into some obscure report that no one will read, but into a State of the Union speech.

Very strange, these self-propelled words. We can only hope that the next time a rogue notion tries to scamper into the Oval Office, the Secret Service just whacks it over the head.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FOOD LABELS
Moved: 7/14/2003 7:38
CBS-FOOD LABELS 7/10/2003

We're getting another nutritional statistic. This is dR...

Now, in addition to total fat, and saturated fat, food packages will display the number of grams of trans-fatty acids the product contains. And you are not to consume more than twenty grams of it per day.

That's because many doctors consider trans fat MORE dangerous than saturated fat, and as it happens, donuts, crackers, french fries, and fried chicken are full of it.

You see the problem. Donuts, crackers, french fries, fried chicken. These represent our most delicious foods. Getting us to avoid them is going to take some serious labelling.

And who among you will change your eating habits because your tub of fried chicken has one more TINY number on that chart you never look at?

Especially when its in grams. Let's be honest. Americans don't know what a gram is! Much less what twenty of them look like. The government is the only institution where they don't quite yet understand that metric might as well be encrypted.

What these packages really need instead of a nutrition label, is full body photographs of their best customers, naked.

Foods should be tested the way drugs are... you get volunteers and supply them all the fried chicken they can eat for six months, then, strip 'em, and call the photographer.

Blur out the faces, and post it on the package. No need to be crazy about this -- it can be on the BACK of the package.

The FDA estimates that their new label revealing trans fat content would save at least 2000 lives a year. Whoop de doo. If their label can do that, MY label could bring immortality.

Now this.
Index 

CBS POLL
Moved: 7/14/2003 7:38
CBS-POLL 7/11/2003
How to make it stop. This is DR...
Everybody now acknowledges there was a mistake in the President's State of the Union Address. He warned of an attempt by Iraq to buy uranium from Africa when in fact all he had was an unsubstantiated report from British intelligence, which turned out to be forged.
In the latest CBS poll, for the first time, a majority of Americans, 56% say they think the Administration overestimated Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction.
To the question HAVE THE END RESULTS OF WAR IN IRAQ BEEN WORTH THE COSTS, only 45% say yes.
Bush and company are so desperate they may let CIA director George Tennant take the fall -- a dangerous strategy because the CIA probably has a lot more embarrassing stuff that could be leaked if someone was angry enough to leak it.
But let's pause for a moment, to ask what this is REALLY about. This is not about African uranium. It's about THIS:
[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bushiraq2 EDITED
Time: 12s
Title: bushiraq2 EDITED
Out-cue: ]
We were promised a happy ending. That's why we bought tickets for the show.
They have to get those elections underway! Get more peacekeepers in there. Grovel to France and Germany if they have to.
Fill Iraq with enough troops to stop the snipers and get the lights on, and give the audience the happy ending they were promised. A few pictures of happy Iraqis turning on their air conditioners and waving American flags, and no one will care about African uranium.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS RUMSFELD
Moved: 7/10/2003 7:54
CBS-RUMSFELD 7/10/2003

Now he's messing with my mind. This is DR...

I know it may be futile, I know it's probably becoming a fixation, but I really DO WANT to understand Donald Rumsfeld.

I don't think it's an impossible job, but it certainly became more difficult yesterday:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>rumsfeld070903
Time: 15s
Out-cue: ]

So now he's saying there WAS no new evidence. But wait a minute. Colin Powell didn't go to the UN saying "here's some old evidence we dusted off." (*) He had new wiretaps. He played wiretapped conversations of Iraqi soldiers hiding banned weapons:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>CBS-243 POWELL UN NATS
Time: 10s
Title: CBS-243 POWELL UN NATS
Out-cue: el Baradei]

He showed us pictures too:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>CBS-240 POWELL UN
Time: 8s
Title: CBS-240 POWELL UN
Out-cue: destruction facilities]

"Banned materials have RECENTLY been moved." And didn't the President himself imply there was a new link with Al Qaeda?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bushspeech6shorter
Time: 7s
Title: bushspeech6short SHORTER
Out-cue: ]

See? There HAD to be new evidence because otherwise it would mean the reason we went to war... wasn't because of a new threat to national security; but because a few people in the defense department -- felt like it!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS 9/11 INVESTIGATION
Moved: 7/9/2003 7:56
CBS-9/11 INVESTIGATION 7/9/2003

Do we need to know? This is DR.

On Capitol Hill today, the commission looking into why we were blindsided on September 11th holds its THIRD public hearing.

It comes after a statement by the Democratic and Republican co-chairs that the defense department has been uncooperative.

According to the New York Times, a government directive actually prevents intelligence officials from being interviewed by members of the 9/11 commission UNLESS there are other intelligence agents present.

Yes! Even Americans now have government "minders".

I thought that only happened in those evil countries!

A justice department spokesman said it's standard practice, and is intended to help facilitate the investigation.

How generous! Although you'd think that if the commission needed help with "facilitation," they could -- like -- ASK for it.

It's all so strange --- before the war, the defense department had all sorts of detailed information about what IRAQIS were up to, right down to satellite close-ups of suspicious trucks. The info dragnet was so complete, they even hooked some PHONY stuff.

But trying to find out what our OWN people were up to? It's closing in on two years, and we still can't crack the cone of silence.

Maybe they think we don't NEED to know. Well I'll tell you this. If we needed to know why certain people were fired from the White House travel office, if we needed to know the minute details of land deals in Arkansas; if we needed endless discussions of how a President defines "IS", we need to know why we couldn't get wind of the deadliest terrorist attack in American history. Don't you think?

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS LIBERIA
Moved: 7/9/2003 7:55
CBS-LIBERIA 7/8/2003

The lure of Liberia. This is DR....

The President is in Africa getting good press for America. In Senegal, he condemned slavery as ``one of the greatest crimes of history.'' Good call. 

And while he's doing that, a team of 15 military specialists, protected by 15 Marines, is in Liberia to decide if a rescue is practical. And you know, part of me says "Bring 'em on!" 

Liberia: established in 1847 by freed American slaves, [who immediately turned around and made themselves the masters of the African tribes who, inconveniently, were already living there. It's] now ruled by Charles Taylor, the latest in a line of mostly brutal and incompetent leaders, who says he's ready to step down in the interest of peace, although he won't do it until US troops arrive. Because he doesn't want bedlam. God forbid there should be bedlam in Liberia. 

It's a wonderful thing when a man who trains 12 year olds to kill discovers his inner teddy bear.

But another part of me says, we'd have to be nuts.

According to an article in today's New York Times, President Taylor feels he's been misunderstood by America, and that after serving some time in exile, he'd like to return to Liberian politics.

And why not? 

He was a rebel warlord; arrested for embezzlement; escaped from an American prison in 1985; led a war that killed 200,000 civilians; had his enemies hacked and burned to death, and in 1997, with this apparently compelling resume -- the people of Liberia elected him president. 

Even if he DOESN'T return -- I smell another series of cassette tapes.

No decision's been made yet; the military specialists are still investigating. Cross your fingers. Maybe they'll conclude that the best thing we could do for Liberia... would be to get the lights on in Baghdad first.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SUMMER JOBS
Moved: 7/9/2003 7:55
CBS-SUMMER JOBS 7/7/2003
Stalking the summer job. This is DR...
"Teens Find Summer Work is hard to come by" read the headline in my morning paper.
The article points out that the teen employment rate last summer was the lowest since 1965. Below 40%.
The anecdotal evidence is that it's at least as bad this summer. Employers can pick and choose -- bad news, especially for the kid with the safety pin spanning his nostrils.
But then I noticed the KINDS of jobs we're talking about that are hard to come by. Here's one young man who's tried to get a job at a restaurants. A young woman trying to get a job at a pharmacy. Nothing. Jobs at amusement parks; lifeguards; tough to get.
Well I just want to point out that there's ANOTHER employer out there who ALWAYS has work to do. An employer who believes in affirmative action, equal opportunity, and a relaxed dress code.

Yes, it's your parents, remember us? We're still here! We're having to hire gardeners and housecleaning services because you kids went off to work in your bookstore or your restaurant or your amusement park.
Oh yes, I hear you -- it's all about earning money for college, sure! But you go off to make seven dollars an hour somewhere working for some stranger, and we have to hire a house cleaning service charging $35 an hour for the chores that YOU could be doing. 
The numbers don't work out.
So kids, if you're having trouble finding a job this summer, and you think all the employment statistics are against you, remember: it may just be that there is a dream job right under your nose.
With benefits! Like dinner!
Now this.
This is DR... 
Index 

CBS DRUGS
Moved: 7/3/2003 7:48
CBS-DRUGS 7/02/2003

What they DON'T tell you. This is DR...

The prescription drug debate has been over what new drugs should cost, and who should pay.

But Katharine Greider, author of "The Big Fix," says that another issue has been ignored:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>greider1
Time: 6s
Title: greider1
In-cue: Consumers not equipped
Out-cue: various products]

For example, 50 million Americans have hypertension. No surprise that drug companies will advertise the newest remedy. The problem is that NO ONE will advertise the cheaper alternative:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>greider3
Time: 20s
Title: greider3
In-cue: Companies push new drugs
Out-cue: ]

Which -- you'll never believe this -- are heavily promoted by pharmaceutical companies.

The CEO of Merck Pharmaceuticals, Ray Gilmartin, told me the purpose of HIS company's ads is not to push the product, but to get people to see their doctor.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>merck3 SHORT
Time: 5s
Title: Ray Gilmartin
In-cue: Effect of Ads
Out-cue: ]

But Katharine Greider says the doctor is often just part of the marketing machine:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>greider4
Time: 4s
Title: greider4
Out-cue: a drug rep]

Under the rules, drug companies need only show that their new drug is better than a placebo. They need NOT prove its any better than the ten-cent alternative.

And ONCE IT'S the government paying -- ten cents or ten dollars, no one will care.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS JULY 4
Moved: 7/3/2003 7:48
CBS-JULY 4 7/03/2003

What is true patriotism? This is DR

This year, our annual patriotic celebration finds us in a debate about what patriotism means. Love of country -- yes -- but do you love your country best by ENDORSING the conduct of its leaders, or by opposing it?

I can tell you this much -- it is not a new question. There have been plenty of people who've questioned the common definition of patriotism in their day.

Mark Twain, labeled a traitor for opposing the Spanish American War, wrote this about the new patriotic slogan of the time, which was "Our country, right or wrong."
He wrote in 1908: "We have thrown away the most valuable asset we had:-- the individual's right to oppose both flag and country when he (just he, by himself) believed them to be in the wrong.
In 1898, Charles Eliot Norton a vice president of the New England Anti-Imperialist League, delivered a church sermon in which he said:
"The voice of protest, of warning, of appeal is never more needed than when the clamor of fife and drum, echoed by the press and too often by the pulpit, is bidding all men fall in and keep step and obey in silence the tyrannous word of command. Then, more than ever, it is the duty of the good citizen not to be silent."
And then, there was President Theodore Roosevelt, who said: "Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the President or any other public official save exactly to the degree in which he himself stands by the country."
I guess what this means is that even protestors are entitled to enjoy the fireworks.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS BRING 'EM ON
Moved: 7/3/2003 7:48
CBS-BRING 'EM ON 7/03/2003

You wanna piece of us? This is DR...

For those who are sick of the media only showing video of angry Iraqis, there was some video of HAPPY Iraqis today. They were dancing on top of a burned out American humvee.

And the President made it clear he's fed up:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush070203
Time: 7s
Out-cue: ]

Instant headline. Some Democrats accused him of an irresponsible testosterone eruption -- but remember John F. Kennedy's inaugural address:
"...we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to assure the survival and the success of liberty."
Not much dfferent. It's just that the current President is a little more folksy:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush Iraq not leave
Time: 8s
Title: AP-043 BUSH IRAQ
Out-cue: Iraqi people]

You can debate about who lied, or who miscalculated, but there's really only ONE question here: will we stay, or will we or go. And for Iraq, the answer is clear. We stay. Indefinitely. 

The only purpose the debate serves is to help us decide whether to buy into the NEXT war.

-- Whether to believe it when the NEXT time we're told that an oppressed nation REALLY DOES want us. Whether to believe it the NEXT time we're told removing a tyrant will bring peace.

But frankly, I can't imagine we'll be liberating any more nations right away:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>AP-034 BUSH LIBERIA
Time: 5s
Title: AP-034 BUSH LIBERIA
Out-cue: leave now]

Although I could be wrong.

Now this.

This is DR 
Index 

CBS KRAFT
Moved: 7/2/2003 9:33
CBS-KRAFT 7/01/2003

An eruption of corporate responsiblity. This is DR...

Kraft has decided to change the way it markets snacks like Oreos, Jell-O, Lunchables, and Velveeta. It will limit individual serving packages to a single portion, and stop marketing campaigns in schools.

And we all wonder... what brought THIS on? A spontaneous eruption of corporate responsibility? Fear of lawsuits from spreadable cheese addicts? Why would any snack food company voluntarily do anything NOT designed to get Americans to stuff themselves with as much sugar and fat as is volumetrically possible?

Kraft isn't telling. 

But I think it's because their executives have seen the future, and it scares them. You walk through the hallways of an American school and it's like the invasion of the marshmallow people. Recess registers a 2.5.

And food manufacturers know that parents will never blame themselves, they'll blame the snacks: there'll be a heated PTA meeting, and the next day the vending machines will be filled with carrots and papaya slices. 

Now we don't know exactly HOW Kraft intends to change -- finding responsible ways to market Oreos will definitely require a college degree -- but how about putting the number of calories on the FRONT of the package, an inch high? So that if you eat it all, you know up front the size of the abdominal doggie bag you'll need. 

And then, right below the calorie number -- how far you'd have to run uphill in the rain to burn them off. 

If the kids STILL don't get the message, then I think all that's left is for the school resource officer to shoot the chips out of their chubby little hands.

Now this. 
Index 

IRAQNEWS.CBS 06/19/03 8:4
Moved: 7/1/2003 13:52
IRAQNEWS.CBS 06/19/03 8:41 AMDLR 1:24DLR

The view from the field. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Every day we hear about another American soldier wounded or killed in postwar Iraq ... giving the general impression that things are not going well.

But from the field, Major General Ray Ordiero of the Fourth Infantry, which has lost three soldiers so far, told a Pentagon briefing that nothing could be further from the truth:

[1] "I would never downplay Americans being killed in combat. But from a military perspective it is insignificant. They're having no impact on the way we conduct business on a day to day basis in Iraq"

99% of the area remains calm, with people going about their business. The fighting you're hearing about amounts to disorganized street gangs. And when one reporter used the term guerilla war:

[2] "This is not a guerilla warfare, it is not CLOSE to guerilla warfare because it's not coordinated, it's not organized, it's not led." 

Yes, he acknowledges that there are areas where Americans are not appreciated:

[3] "There are pockets of areas where its very clear they were supported by the exregime so they're not real happy to see Americans... but there's a lot of other places... when you drive down the streets, people wave at you everywhere you go."
And not only wave, but provide information on former government officials. And they'll continue to cooperate, General Ordiero says, provided they believe one thing.
That we're staying:

[4] "When they see coalition presence they understand they will be protected.. and in fact that we will remain here... with some presence until it's no longer necessary. That's all they ask for."

Now this. ~C:\works\files\IRAQNEWS.CBS 
Index 

CBS QUAGMIRE
Moved: 7/1/2003 13:52
CBS-QUAGMIRE 7/1/2003

Quagmire watch. This is DR...

The Pentagon press corps is trying to decide when the steady trickle of bad news from Iraq WILL WARRANT USING THE WORD "quagmire."

That would be the official start of the "Iraq as Vietnam" phase.

But the defense secretary says it's way too early for that:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>rumsfeld quagmire 063003
Time: 4s
Title: rumsfeld quagmire 063003
Out-cue: ]

Not a quagmire; not a guerilla war either.

He prefers the term "slowly evolving process."

As for me, I prefer to immerse myself in my library of optimistic pre-war sound bites:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>perle short 2
Time: 10s
Title: perle short 2
Out-cue: ]

I remind myself that ... finding Saddam doesn't matter:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>perle short 1
Time: 5s
Title: perle short 1
Out-cue: ]

And my very favorite:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>wolf1
Time: 32s
Out-cue: ] ... to Osama bin Laden." CUT OFF

Does that sound like Vietnam to you? Of course not.

But here is the REAL reason why the Vietnam comparison is bogus. 

No draft! This is an all-volunteer military. And the word is out -- IF you volunteer, you may well find yourself in Baghdad fighting in the... "slowly evolving process."

No, this is NOTHING like Vietnam. This is a war you can boycott if you want to. This is a war where you can confess gayness and go home. 

This is a war where the free market gets the final say. Unless they change the rules...

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GAY PRIDE
Moved: 6/30/2003 7:39
CBS-GAY PRIDE 6/30/2003
Wading in the mainstream. This is DR...
The Supreme Court decision overturning the Texas sodomy law clearly energized this year's gay pride parades. The original idea was to show gay people they're not alone -- and in San Francisco the turnout was 750,000. Message received.
When you have Justice Clarence Thomas calling the Texas law silly -- even though he dissented -- it's a new era.
And you know what that means. The beginning of the end.
Because the gay pride movement is now face-to-face with the toughest challenge that any movement faces. Success.
Nothing undermines a political movement like becoming mainstream. You saw it with liberalism. You are now seeing it with conservatism.
And you will soon see it with the gay pride parade.
Gay people were the last group to suffer legalized discrimination just for being who they were.
That is a powerful rallying point. That's what energizes the NRA -- the fear that the law is being used to stamp out your lifestyle.
But now -- it is no longer illegal to be gay -- EVEN in Texas.
Which leaves but one more fight. Marriage. 
Conservatives plan to make that their Alamo - but why? Give it up Let it happen.
Because once that barrier falls, you know what that means? Gay people will be... just people.
The gay pride parades... which have already stated calling themselves simply PRIDE parades, will eventually be called the "Really Big Summer Parade," and finally the "Bank One 3Com Nike Costume Walk." 
Everyone who participates will still be called gay, but it will mean ... "cheerful."

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SODOMY
Moved: 6/27/2003 7:14
CBS-SODOMY 6/27/2003

The end of culture as we know it. This is DR....

The Supreme Court has struck down the Texas law against same-sex sodomy. And to hear the various religious spokesmen who reacted on the court steps yesterday, you'd think the entire culture had been bent out of shape.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>sodomy1
Time: 14s
Title: sodomy1
Out-cue: ]

OK, but how does this decision actually change life in America?

Now as I understand the court's decision -- if a couple, at home, out of public view, freely chooses to hook up in a certain way, the cops have no business arresting them for it.

We also know that the cops hardly ever do that, even in states where they CAN. Which means that this decision removes a stigma, but otherwise, changes... basically... nothing.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>sodomy3
Time: 8s
Title: sodomy3
Out-cue: ]

No wait -- this is about PRIVATE morals. It's two people canoodling in their own bedroom!

It's been happening for years!

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>sodomy5
Time: 13s
Title: sodomy5
Out-cue: ]

Well, THAT'S probably true. But take heart. There are 21 Islamic nations whose founding fathers have corrected that particular oversight.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS X RAY
Moved: 6/27/2003 7:14
CBS-X-RAY 6/27/2003

See through my clothes? No way! This is DR.

This week the Transportation Security Administration unveiled the latest body scan technology, designed to make pat-down searches unnecessary.

The scanners use what's called backscatter technology to display an image of what's under your clothes -- a bomb, a plastic gun, a nipple ring -- that's the great thing about this technology: it shows EVERYTHING.

That's also the great drawback to this technology: it shows EVERYTHING.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>xray0
Time: 1s
Title: xray0
Out-cue: They are essentially undressing you]

Indeed they ARE undressing you -- but all in a good cause, that being your right to fly in one piece. And I assumed most people would accept this small sacrifice of modesty.

But when I asked listeners -- they predicted all manner of trouble. Like suppose the screener is GAY?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>xray1
Time: 4s
Title: xray1
Out-cue: ask their sexual preference]

Suppose people file lawsuits?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>xray2
Time: 4s
Title: xray2
Out-cue: sexual harrassment]

Or suppose these digital images were stored, and then posted on the web?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>xray3
Time: 4s
Title: xray3
In-cue: Wants to know how long info is stored
Out-cue: hi flyin hotties posted by hackers]

Hi-Flyin' hotties! Or, more likely, you might have passenger x-rays subpoenaed as evidence for the next anti-fat lawsuit.

But then there was Elizabeth, a registered nurse with 20 years of experience examining the human body:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>xray5
Time: 1s
Title: xray5
Out-cue: I have seen some serious ugly]

... who made it clear that if it's a choice between an X-Ray, and a pat down search, she'll take the X-Ray:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>xray6
Time: 3s
Title: xray6
Out-cue: you had best mean business]

In fact, based on the bodies she's had to look at -- if anyone's traumatized by the naked x-rays -- it'll be the screeners.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS IRAQ BRITISH
Moved: 6/25/2003 7:33
CBS-IRAQ BRITISH 6/25/2003
Another snapshot. This is DR...
Now six British military police have been killed in Iraq -- this in the south, where the country had been relatively peaceful -- because that's the home of the Shi'ites, who hated Saddam.
There's still some question about exactly what happened -- and again, at the Pentagon briefing, reporters were warned about taking incidents out of context. This was just another snapshot, said General Myers.
Well, a snapshot it may be, but put enough of them together and you have a photo album that's very different from what we were led to expect.
The generals have to understand -- the pre-war speeches we heard didn't exactly focus on Blood, Toil, Sweat and Tears:
[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bushiraq2 EDITED
Time: 12s
Title: bushiraq2 EDITED
Out-cue: ]
[The long captivity of Iraq will end... freed from the weight of oppression, Iraq's people will be able to share in the progress and prosperity of our time.]

The generals have to understand -- you drop propaganda leaflets on your own people, and they might just believe them.
There was no HINT about post-war ambushes, daily sniper attacks, sabotage of oil pipelines and power plants, and CERTAINLY no hint that a victory would leave thousands of die-hard Baath party members free to organize well-armed paramilitaries.
Instead, we heard THIS:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bushspeech9
Time: 11s
Out-cue: ]
[And tonight I have a message for the brave and oppressed people of Iraq. Your enemy is not surrounding your country, your enemy is ruling your country.]
We never dreamed that two and a half months AFTER liberation, so many Iraqis would come to agree with that statement.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS AFFIRMATIVE
Moved: 6/23/2003 7:53
CBS-AFFIRMATIVE 6/23/2003

So is affirmative action allowed or not? This is DR...
The Supreme Court has decided two affirmative action cases at the University of Michigan. Let's see if we can understand this.
The court struck down a point system used by the University of Michigan UNDERGRADUATE school which gave every minority applicant an extra 20 points for skin color. 
But at the same time, the court approved a separate program used at the University's LAW school that ALSO gives minority applicants an edge, but which does it WITHOUT using a point system. In that system, race is simply considered as a "factor" in the admissions process.
The undergraduate point system was condemned as being tantamount to a QUOTA, whereas the Law schools's system was NOT -- even though the expressed intent of the law school's system is to give minorities more of a presence on the campus.
So what does that mean. Well the problem affirmative action has run into in the area of admissions is that when you ACCEPT one student because of race, it means that you have also REJECTED one student because of race. That upsets the rejectee.
And when you have a system based on POINTS, it's really easy to tell WHICH STUDENTS got rejected because of race.
In short, court rejected the easily understood affirmative action system, the one based on points, and permitted the inscrutable affirmative action system, th one based on judgement.
So is affirmative action allowed or not?
Yes. But from now on, you'll have a much more difficult time proving it was used in YOUR case.
And I get the feeling that's just the way the Supreme Court wants it.
Now this.
This is DR... 
Index 

CBS WARRIOR CHALLENGE
Moved: 6/13/2003 7:47
CBS-WARRIOR 6/2/2003

There's reality, and then there's REALITY. This is DR...

Reality shows never get good press. They're dismissed as tacky, exploitive, a waste of time. But there's another type of reality show. The EDUCATIONAL reality show. 

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>warrior1
Time: 4s
Out-cue: ]

This is PBS's Warrior Challenge, which on this particular night was about a group of soldiers who were learning to become Roman Gladiators:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>warrior2 SHORT
Time: 4s
Title: warrior2 SHORT
Out-cue: ]

Instead of exploitation, there is EDUCATION. You learn historical terms:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>warrior3
Time: 11s
Out-cue: ]

You get lessons in anatomy:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>warrior4 SHORT
Time: 12s
Title: warrior4 SHORT
Out-cue: ]

Which only makes sense. The grand finale is the fight itself -- and unlike other reality shows where the loser merely feels rejected, or perhaps, angry, in PBS's Warrior Challenge, the loser gets EXECUTED!

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>warrior7
Time: 12s
Out-cue: ]

(OVER) I guess this makes up for all those years of Mr Rogers.

That's right, Karen. Well it's PBS. It's... inclusive. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MONKEYPOX
Moved: 6/13/2003 7:47
CBS-MONKEYPOX 6/13/2003

Exotic diseases. This is DR...

The world is a dangerous place. That's why we have a Department of Homeland Security.

And that's why it just announced it will be spending MILLIONS to improve security at our ports:

We have to protect our ports because our enemies may seek to use them to try to sneak in who knows what. Weapons. Terrorists. Exotic Diseases.

Diseases like oh, MONKEYPOX?

Have you been following the news about Monkeypox? Smallpox's wacky cousin?

It has the ability to jump from animals to humans, and when it does, they get POX. Have you seen the POX? 

It's the kind of thing you see in SciFi movies. Right before the incubating alien claws its way out of your abdomen.

And so the US government is taking action. I quote the Washington Post: "The US government yesterday banned the importation of all rodents from East Africa."

You know what that means? That means that before yesterday, we were ALLOWING the importation of rodents from East Africa.

Specifically, Gambian Giant Pouched Rats. 

YES! We're protecting our ports so they can safely bring in Giant Rats!

One of which had Monkeypox, and gave it to a prairie dog at a pet store, which then gave it to a family in Wisconsin.

I'm sure these things make great pets; I'm sure there's no love like the love you get from a ten pound rat.

But then, why spend millions securing the ports against some exotic weapons system? I can't imagine the terrorists would go to all that trouble. They could just start exporting some exotic rodent, and we'd buy it.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WMD INTELLIGENCE
Moved: 6/13/2003 5:44
CBS-WMD INTELLIGENCE 6/11/2003

What did US intelligence know. This is DR...

Hearings opened today on Capitol Hill to answer the question, what did US intelligence know about the weapons threat from Iraq.

What did they know? I think it's pretty clear what they knew. We all heard what they knew.

They knew that Iraq had biological and chemical weapons ready to go.

I mean, that's what I heard -- isn't that what you heard?

I distinctly remember hearing that Iraq did not destroy the weapons it was supposed to destroy, that it had chemical and biological weapons ready to go -- and -- yeah, that's right -- didn't our soldiers bring their chemical suits with them? They were fighting in the desert, so I don't think it was for warmth.

SO this wasn't about weapons that Iraq had in the PAST -- you can all check me on this, but I have clear memories of this being about stuff they actually had AT THE TIME we went to war. We dropped leaflets warning Iraqi generals not to use the weapons, right?

And there was that guy Hans Blix -- it's all coming back to me now - Hans Blix, the UN weapons inspector, who saying, we can't find anything, we can't find anything. And we all thought -- what kind of rube would actually believe what Saddam says?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bushcards short
Time: 6s
Title: bushcards short
Out-cue: ]

Exactly! And it wasn't a question of weapons sometime in the past, it was a question of weapons RIGHT NOW. That's why we couldn't wait:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bushmovie short
Time: 4s
Title: bushmovie short
Out-cue: ]

That's the way I remember it. But then, memories can get foggy with time.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS HAMAS 6/12/2003
Moved: 6/13/2003 5:43
CBS-HAMAS 6/12/2003
Uncharted territory. This is DR....

Well, we have quickly come to the edge of the roadmap.

It sounded so hopeful. Only a week ago, the new Palestinian Prime minister, was saying the violence had outlived its usefulness:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>abbas2
Time: 10s
Title: Mahmoud Abbas
In-cue: 6/4/2003
Out-cue: ]

It was an amazing statement. But it's pretty clear now it came from a man who had exactly ZERO power to follow up.

The debate is no longer over who has a right to what land. The only meaningful debate now is over who can control their own forces. Every time there's an attack from the Palestinian side, Palestinian leaders condemn it. 

That's intended to show that they are men of peace. But what their statements REALLY show is that they are men with no control.

Which means that negotiating with them is a waste of time.

As for the US, the only thing WE can control is what Israel does.

But what argument can WE possibly make to Israel? "Stop firing missiles, you might kill innocent people"? 

Conceivably that could paralyze their generals with incapacitating laughter... but no, about all we can do is hope they don't pick up a paper and read about our new operation in Iraq -- Operation Peninsula Strike. It's designed to track down the Saddam holdouts who've been taking potshots at our soldiers.
We rounded up 390 suspects yesterday -- killing three in the process.
One American commander warned it was just the beginning, saying-- (QUOTE) "There will be no sanctuary."
No, you don't want Israel hearing about that.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS ALQAEDA
Moved: 6/10/2003 7:33
CBS-AL QAEDA 6/10/2003
Feeling safer. This is DR.
You remember those two trailers found in Iraq? The ones which constitute the only smoking gun so far, because they appear to be mobile chemical laboratories?
Now the Observer of London is reporting that the trailers may in fact NOT be mobile laboratories.
Instead, it is looking more and more like they were part of a system sold to Iraq by the British in 1987 -- a system designed to make hydrogen for ... artillery balloons.
One tell-tale sign: mobile germ labs would need to be airtight, and if you've noticed the pictures of those trailers, the sides are covered with... canvas flaps.
Of course all this is speculation, and as we've been told again and again, smoking gun or not, we're safer than we would have been.
[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS-086 BUSH IRAQ
Time: 6s
Title: CBS-086 BUSH IRAQ
Out-cue: right decision]

At least, that's what we were being told yesterday. And then I turn on the radio today, and what do I hear? 
[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>alqaeda threat
Time: 7s
Title: Steve Holt UN Report
Out-cue: ]

What did he say? A high probability of an Al Qaeda attack with little or no warning?
[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>alqaeda short
Time: 1s
Title: Steve Holt
Out-cue: ]
That's what I thought. OK -- isn't that, like, exactly where we were two WARS ago? Two wars, a gazillion dollars, all those troops, and the administration is still predicting a "high probability" of an attack with a weapon of mass destruction within two years, with little or no warning.
...You know, if we just spend the money on a big party at least we could get some good eats while we're waiting to be destroyed.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS HILLARY
Moved: 6/9/2003 7:41
CBS-HILLARY 6/9/2003

Why Hillary's book is so important. This is DR...

Hillary's book is what America is talking about. A book so big it is number two only to the New Harry Potter Book -- and according to critics, packed with just as much fantasy.

For example, critics point out it is hard to accept Hillary's claim that she had no idea her husband was cheating on her until the day he finally confessed.

And they point out that only a moron could deny that the real purpose of this book is to get her elected President.

She says she's not running, but suppose she's recruited against her will by a deadlocked party? Has she SPECIFICALLY said she would not accept?

These MUST BE important issues, because many very important people are asking them.

I acknowledge there are skeptics. One e-mail I got from an angry listener says talk show hosts ESPECIALLY are spending too much time on Hillary's book. He writes (QUOTE) "While [they] worry about the truth from Hillary, they are strangely silent on the administration lies that were presented to the public as a reason to go into Iraq." (UNQUOTE)

But just hold on there fella.

It is far more important to know when Hillary knew Bill was cheating, because it affects...

OK well how about this... the book is important because if she decides to run for President and people don't WHAT her to be president they ...could just vote against her.

OK, how about this, if people read how a smart woman like Hillary decided to stay married to man like Bill despite his infidelity it might ... ruin the divorce industry?

OK, actually, I really have no idea why Hillary's book is important.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MARTHA
Moved: 6/5/2003 7:40
CBS-MARTHA 6/05/2003

How to make an indictment out of a gourd. This is DR...

In an open letter in USA Today Martha Stewart all she did was return a call from her stockbroker. That's it.

But the indictment charges those few words amounted to accepting a stock tip that she KNEW was based on illegal insider information, and that she then concocted an alibi to fool investigators.

The indictment also says that because her OWN company carries HER name, she had a responsibility to maintain her good reputation, and that by SULLYING her reputation, she has hurt her shareholders. 

How about that -- getting indicted for making yourself look bad! Because, there ARE people who as of today, can no longer in good conscience buy a Martha Stewart dust ruffle.

They are AFTER this woman! And you know how much she actually saved by selling when she did? $45,673. That's probably what she spends on glue sticks.

So ... why are they doing this?

It's a crusade for TRUTH.

The SEC wants to convince investors that whether we're rich or poor, whether we're well-connected or not, nothing short of absolute transparency will be accepted on Wall Street.

They're going to send a message that whether you have 50 million in your 401K or 50,000, whether everybody knows your name or NOBODY knows your name, whether you are well connected politically or just a chump, the day is coming in America when YOU will be able to get the same investment advice as someone like Martha Stewart.

And I have some un-used weapons of mass destruction I can sell you too.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS HILLARY
Moved: 6/4/2003 7:37
CBS-HILLARY 6/04/2003 
Ah, the memories! This is DR..
Hillary Rodham Clinton's book premieres next week, and in it -- you won't believe this -- she says she had a problem with her husband's little affair.
She says the Monica affair caused so much pain that, at one point, Buddy the dog was the only member of the family willing to keep President Clinton company.
"As a wife, I wanted to wring Bill's neck," she writes.
Yikes! THERE'S a dilemma for the secret service. But she finally concluded that she loved him, PLUS, she supported what he was doing as president. 
I checked to see what in fact he WAS doing as President in mid-August 1998, when he first revealed to her that the allegations about Monica were true. 
It turns out mid-August is when he launched that little missile attack on an alleged Sudanese chemical weapons factory and an Al--Qaeda training camp in Afghanistan.
There you go -- al-Qaeda may be evil, but it also may have helped save a marriage.
Actually, THIS is probably the last thing I want to read about -- except for one aspect.
It reminds me of a more innocent time in America.
When the biggest threat to national security -- was government-run health care. Remember?
When the only uncertainty was which piece of living room furniture the President was sleeping on that night.
It was a simpler time -- when a president could bomb a weapons factory that, as it turns out, was making anti-diarrhea pills, and yet no one in Congress would care. Because they were already impeaching him for lying ... about a woman.
Kind of makes me tear up.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS WMD UPDATE
Moved: 6/3/2003 12:24
CBS-WMD UPDATE 6/2/2003

It's the same old game. This is Dave Ross...

Another week -- and nothing scary found in Iraq.

And it's getting serious now. It's bad enough that the Europeans are getting all Holier Than Thou and that the Peace Movement is saying I Told You So, but It's gotten to the point that even commentators of the Republican persuasion are starting to wonder.

On Meet The Press Sunday, columnist Robert Novak said (QUOTE) "it is now obvious that Saddam Hussein did not have weapons of mass destruction ready for use, or he would have used them."

Even Bob is now among the doubters.

But not so fast, Bob. Because there's something suspicious going on here. Let's think this through: the search for the weapons has literally found not ONE suspicious germ. Two suspicious trucks, but with NO germs. How likely is it that a country would be THAT clean?

I mean, we've actually found more anthrax HERE than over there.

When a country is that clean, you know something's up.

I think we are being duped again. Remember what Donald Rumsfeld said back in January ... when the UN inspectors were also finding bupkus.

He was crystal clear:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>rumsfeld2
Time: 13s
Title: rumsfeld2
In-cue: 1/15/2003 explaining Iraq
Out-cue: ]

The LACK of evidence IS the evidence. The fact that we can find nary a germ -- can mean only one thing. That we have all the evidence we need.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WMD UPDATE
Moved: 6/3/2003 5:19
CBS-WMD UPDATE 6/2/2003

It's the same old game. This is Dave Ross...

Another week -- and nothing scary found in Iraq.

And it's getting serious now. It's bad enough that the Europeans are getting all Holier Than Thou and that the Peace Movement is saying I Told You So, but It's gotten to the point that even commentators of the Republican persuasion are staring to wonder.

On Meet The Press Sunday, columnist Robert Novak said (QUOTE) "it is now obvious that Saddam Hussein did not have weapons of mass destruction ready for use, or he would have used them."

Even Bob is now among the doubters.

But not so fast, Bob. Because there's something suspicious going on here. Let's think this through: the search for the weapons has literally found not ONE suspicious germ. Two suspicious trucks, but with NO germs. How likely is it that a country would be THAT clean?

I mean, we've actually found more anthrax HERE than over there.

When a country is that clean, you know something's up.

I think we are being duped again. Remember what Donald Rumsfeld said back in January ... when the UN inspectors were also finding bupkus.

He was crystal clear:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>rumsfeld2
Time: 13s
Title: rumsfeld2
In-cue: 1/15/2003 explaining Iraq
Out-cue: ]

The LACK of evidence IS the evidence. The fact that we can find nary a germ -- can mean only one thing. That we have all the evidence we need.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FOOD PYRAMID
Moved: 6/3/2003 5:19
CBS-PYRAMID 5/31/2003

The $25 million dollar pyramid. This is DR.

The President is proposing $25 million to support child obesity prevention projects.

You have your “5-A-Day for Better Health Campaign,” emphasizing the importance of eating five to nine servings of fruits and vegetables daily.

You have the “Eat Smart Play Hard” campaign for schools.

You have the "School Nutrition Kit" to help 100 selected provide fresh produce during the school day.

But even that's not enough, so this week, the White House asked the Ag Department to revise the food pyramid. 

The reason, to quote the White House release, is "The current dietary guidelines target only the reduction of saturated fat and cholesterol, with only a brief reference to the risks of trans-fatty acids and the benefits of omega-3 fatty acids."

Right! See THAT, RIGHT there, is the problem. Nobody can remember that stuff, and the moment you do, it changes!

You don't need another food pyramid in this country! We have plenty already!

You see them at the mall eating fries! And they're not reading the labels. The Nutrition Label is just the place where you grab the bag to rip it open.

The assumption behind government anti-fat programs is that the average American -- with 400 diet books in the attic -- still can't tell an apple from a Deep-Fried Ding Dong.

Well, here's all you need to know about fat. Put on a bathing suit, stand in front of a mirror, and start jumping up and down.

You've just learned all you need to know about fat.

And should you have further questions -- watch a few episodes of the Simpsons.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS LYNCH
Moved: 6/3/2003 5:18
CBS-LYNCH 5/30/2003

A strange little news conference. This is DR...

"Was the Jessica Lynch rescue staged for TV?" The British Press broke the story weeks ago, and it's finally crossed the ocean. The US press realized conservatives are too busy focusing their hatred on the Dixie Chicks to boycott newspapers.

So now we TOO are reading the reports that Iraqi troops were long gone when the commandos arrived, and that friendly Iraqi medical workers even offered them a key.

Well, but come on -- you're a commando! You got the flak jacket, the assault rifle, the combat boots, the face paint -- and you're gonna use some sissy key? Please.

But... when the question came up during a news conference at the Lynch's home in Palestine West Virginia -- well, listen to the strange answer her father gave:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>lynch
Time: 12s
Out-cue: ]

"We're really not supposed to talk about it?" 

Now I could understand saying, we don't WANT to talk about it, but what he said was...

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>lynch short
Time: 5s
Title: lynch short
Out-cue: ]

And the length of the word "really" went way beyond what the West Virginia accent requires. That's a man thinking very carefully about the next word coming out of his mouth.

So let me just say, I sure hope no one on our side has told him to shut up. Because if the parents of a war hero aren't free to talk publicly... It's only a matter of time before others get the same memo.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GERM TRAILERS
Moved: 6/3/2003 5:18
CBS-GERM TRAILERS 5/29/2003

Smoking gun update. This is DR...

Like all Americans, I'm glad that all Iraqis now enjoy the absolute right to march in the streets chanting Yankee-Go-Home. 

It's just that $75 billion and 200,000 troops on indefinite deployment seems like a steep price to pay for that.

So I was encouraged to read, right there on the CIA web site, the latest report on the search for bio-weapons -- which confirms those two suspicious trailers found near Mosul likely WERE designed to manufacture germs. An examination revealed a fermentor capable of producing an unconcentrated liquid slurry.

The CIA report also says there is probably at least one more trailer in this unit, which they haven't found, but if they find it, they expect it to contain mixing tanks, centrifuges, and spray dryers. The other thing they haven't found yet is any trace of an actual germ. Those tests continue.

OK -- so is this closer to what Secretary of State Powell said before the war?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>CBS-245 POWELL UN short
Time: 9s
Title: CBS-245 POWELL UN SHORT
Out-cue: battlefield rockets]

Or is it closer to what former UN weapons inspector Scott Ritter said before the war?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>ritter5
Time: 8s
Title: ritter5 (shortened ritter 2)
In-cue: I believe
Out-cue: Bush Administration]

See? It's a toughie. For now, I'm sticking with the conclusion that former CIA director James Woolsey reached a month ago:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>woolsey
Time: 3s
Out-cue: ]

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SPITTING
Moved: 5/28/2003 9:22
CBS-SPITTING 5/28/2003

Oral disarmament. This is DR...

Why has SARS has not been a problem here, and such a big problem in China?

The answer may be in today's story in the New York Times -- easily one of the most disgusting ever published.

Because as it turns out the SARS virus can live not only in the Civet Cat ... but in phlegm, and the Chinese love to spit. Nose blowing is taboo, but a clean shot into a spittoon is part of a long tradition. In fact the Times article says that Chinese leader Deng Xiaoping was (QUOTE) "renowned for his aim."

Americans get criticized for a lot fo things, but at least OUR presidents try to keep their disgusting habits PRIVATE.

Anyway, it's the age of SARS; time for the oral artillery to stand down. And there's SOME progress.

Exhibit A, The New York Times quote of the Day, from LU XIUFENG, 68, retired machinist. (QUOTE) "I used to spit, but not anymore. You wait and then use a tissue..."

Good call, Mr. Lu.

But many of the Chinese people are reported to be balking.

The same regime which so effectively regulates the verbal emissions of its people can't seem to control the other kind.

The Spiritual Civilization Office of the communist party has had to issue an order on what they call the Transformation of Vile Habits, sending volunteers to hand out little baggies... baggies bearing one of those exhortations so central to communism's charm (QUOTE) "With one small bag in your hands, your health will always be invincible."

Yeah, well, watch where you put the bags, OK? Saddam is still out there somewhere.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS BLANKS DRIVING
Moved: 5/27/2003 7:52
CBS-BLANKS-DRIVING 5/27/2003

Fill in the Blanks. This is DR...

The feature where I read a story we've all heard so many times that even ordinary people like you can Fill In The ...BLANKS.

Today, Volvo of America released a survey on driving habits, in which a majority of drivers admit they have ...NO BUSINESS BEING ANYWHERE NEAR A HIGHWAY.
59 percent admitted driving... WHILE EATING, and 37 percent admitted driving ... WHILE MAKING A PHONE CALL.
The good news is that only 14% admitted driving ... WHILE READING A BOOK.
-- Proving that cars make you ... FAT AND STUPID.
No wonder we hear so many stories of drivers who are seen ... SHAVING, right... PUTTING ON MAKE UP, right, and even GIVING BIRTH.
Well, yes, but giving birth in a car is actually not considered irresponsible, it's considered ...A HUMAN INTEREST STORY.
Right.
As for the idea of driver re-testing, the survey found that, among the older drivers surveyed, most wanted to re-test the YOUNG DRIVERS.
And among the younger drivers surveyed, most wanted to re-test the... OLD DRIVERS.

Which is is why ...NOTHING WILL HAPPEN.

Except that states will pass new laws requiring mandatory ...BODY ARMOR.

But don't worry, because this summer, Volvo and the Triple-A do plan to present a... HALF-HOUR SPECIAL about ... SAFE DRIVING.
It will be broadcast on ... TELEVISION, the medium where on every car commercial shows ... RESPONSIBLE DRIVERS, driving ... RIGHT AT THE SPEED LIMIT.
Yeah. Of course, as every driver knows, the real problem isn't that drivers can't stay in their lanes; the real problem is that ... BIG MACS LEAK. 

So that the real solution to unsafe driving is to ... SUE McDONALD'S.
Yes.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MEMORIAL DAY
Moved: 5/26/2003 7:55
CBS-MEMORIAL DAY 5/26/2003

The nature of patriotism. This is DR...

Many veterans lament that Memorial Day has become just another excuse to shop. Well I don't know -- in the Good Guys ad in my paper this morning? Every discounted jumbo TV has an American flag on the screen.

But what IS patriotism, exactly?

A little over 50 years ago, Presidential Candidate Adlai Stevenson addressed the American Legion in New York. It was during the Red Scare. The war in Korea was grinding on. And Stevenson was in a quixotic race against the man who had won World War II, former General Dwight Eisenhower.

So he stood before the veterans in Madison Square Garden, and he defined patriotism this way. (QUOTE):

"A sense of national responsibility which will enable America to remain master of her power... a patriotism which is not short, frenzied outbursts of emotion, but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime... 

Men who have offered their lives for their country know that patriotism is not the fear of something; it is the love of something ... it is the love of this Republic and of the ideal of liberty of man and mind ... 

With this patriotism ... we can maintain military power without militarism; political power without oppression; and moral power without compulsion or complacency."

Adlai Stevenson in 1952 -- making the case that patriotism she be defined not by war, but by the quality of the peace that follows.

Of course, as we know... he lost that election.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS RELIGION SAT
Moved: 5/26/2003 5:26
CBS-RELIGION 5/20/2003

Let a thousand speeches bloom. This is DR...

It's called No Child Left Behind -- the federal education act of 2001. It requires testing, school choice, teacher certification -- and one other thing: any school that curtails a student's right to religious expression could see its federal funds cut.

That apparently means that if the valedictorian wants to preach at commencement -- preach away! Students have certainly tried it in the past:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>lynn1
Time: 7s
Title: lynn1
In-cue: Barry Lynn
Out-cue: ]

Barry Lynn, the director of Americans United for Separation of Church and State, describes one such case:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>lynn2
Time: 16s
Title: lynn2
Out-cue: you can't do it]

But the No Child Left Behind Act contradicts that, telling schools that kids MUST be free to make religious statements, or the school could lose funding.

Some people think this is a violation of the constitution, but you know what it really is? A green light for any kid who's ever wanted to make the principal squirm.

This is the government telling kids that the principal has no control as long as you claim religious speech!

So not only can you speak of Jesus, Allah, Budda -- but as far as I can tell, you can claim your God is Jerry Seinfeld and break into a comedy routine. 

And all the principal can do -- if he wants to keep his funding -- is fume.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ORANGE
Moved: 5/26/2003 5:26
CBS-ORANGE 5/21/2003

Orange you getting tired of this? This is DR...

Al Jazeera broadcast another tape -- ostensibly from Osama's number two, calling on Muslims to attack Western criminals in Muslim lands... to force them out of the ports, the airfields, the bases.

The tape calls on Muslims to emulate the September attacks against the US, and indeed, Saudi police in Jeddah have detained three al Qaeda members for planning to do just that. They reportedly carried knives and last testaments, and planned to crash a plane into a building.

I've heard a lot of analysis of the tape -- that it has noticeable edits, that you can hear a child crying in the background, that instead of being the GO signal for some future attack, that maybe it was the go signal for LAST WEEK's attacks, and we're just now hearing it.

But what is the real message here? I'll tell you: that some guy with a cheap cassette recorder has now monopolized the news once again, and brought us to Code Orange! Now we have to get to the airport even earlier, so police officers getting time and a half can paw through the embarrassing mess in your trunk.

20 days ago, aboard the Abraham Lincoln, the President said we have seen the turning of the tide. Yesterday, the unflappable Ari Fleischer explained the finer points of tidal mechanics.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>ari short
Time: 8s
Title: ari short
Out-cue: ]

I dunno. That comes mighty close to flapping.

But who can blame him. Whether al Qaeda actually CAN pull off an attack on us, I don't know -- but they CLEARLY still have the ability to make us THINK they can.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS IDOL IRAQ
Moved: 5/22/2003 7:25
CBS-IDOL-IRAQ 5/22/2003

Order out of chaos. This is DR...

The reports from Iraq are not good. The defeated Baath party has been forming a new secret organization. There's a report that Hezbollah terrorists now have a branch in Baghdad. At night, thieves and bandits roam unchecked.

As a result, the process of electing leaders has been delayed until July. Not that there's a shortage of politicians -- by one account there are about 30 parties in Baghdad -- it's just that lot of them also have their own armed militias.

Iraq desperately needs a process whereby wanna-be politicians can be vetted, interviewed, given a chance to show their stuff, and finally put before the voters in a decisive and uplifting national election.

And I know of only one American institution that can pull it off. One institution with a proven ability to create order out of chaos.

Fox.

Look at the record -- when Fox put out the call for singers last January, 70,000 people lined up outside various hotels. You saw them. Many of them were EXTREMELY scary. But was Fox deterred? No. They confronted them with a panel of ruthless interrogators who quickly rejected the morons and extremists. And they kept at it, week after week, never losing hope. Until finally, last night, 24 million people -- which coincidentally is about the population of Iraq -- peacefully cast their votes.

It was close. Ruben won by only .28 per cent; passions ran high. But Clay was magnanimous in defeat, no one went to court, everybody's happy, and most important, IT'S OVER.

No wonder Fox is Don Rumsfeld's favorite network.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SECURITY
Moved: 5/22/2003 6:06
CBS-SECURITY 5/20/2003

What to believe. This is DR...

Nothings makes sense. The headlines today are all over the map. I can't tell if we're safer or not.

The headline from Washington is: Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge says the U-S has terror networks ''off balance.''

OK, fine. But the headline from a news weekly in Saudi Arabia is that new attacks will (quote) "stun the Americans and the Israelis." And the editor of another Arabic newspaper published in London predicts violence and terror coming not just from al-Qaeda, but from al Qaeda CLONES lusting to get even for Iraq.

But what's to get even about? Look at the latest headline from Iraq: "Iraq Getting Trash Pickup And Mail Delivery." 360 tons of garbage hauled away by American troops from one neighborhood alone! Can Democracy be far behind? Can't they see we're trying? 

No, of course not. We still have to be vigilant.

Another headline: "Be On Terror Lookout, Americans Urged." 

The same Homeland Security which says we're safer ALSO warns that terrorists disguise themselves as street vendors, tourists, deliverymen, photographers -- even demonstrators -- when they're casing targets.

SO the key here is to be suspicious of anyone who appears NOT to be suspicious.

However, don't worry -- look at this: Pentagon developing computerized device that can identify terrorists by the way they WALK. That will help. 

And then there's this -- Researchers conclude Chimpanzees more closely related to people than previously thought.

Now ... THAT one I believe.

And now this. 
Index 

CBS ACCURACY 5/19/2003
Moved: 5/22/2003 6:05
CBS-ACCURACY 5/19/2003

Accuracy overload. This is DR...

You think you know what happened, and then along comes a news report saying that what you think you know... is wrong.

The latest story to follow this route is the Jessica Lynch rescue. You remember Jessica Lynch: the 19 year old POW from Palestine, West Virginia, shot and stabbed in an Iraqi ambush, but finally ripped from the clutches of her captors in a daring nighttime commando raid.

Well, last night, a BBC documentary basically cried "fiction." Reporter John Kampfner says there's no evidence she was stabbed or shot, and there was no one guarding her when she was rescued, and indeed a friendly Iraqi doctor tried to deliver her by ambulance to the Americans two days before the rescue -- but our side fired on him.

If that's true, Jessica was used, and we were duped. Yes, we deserve accuracy, but do we have time for it?

People are overloaded. Look at what the polls say on the weapons of mass destruction. Most people no longer care whether they're found or not. Even the Democratic candidates avoid the issue. 

Where are the weapons? Was Jessica's rescue staged? Pretty soon that'll be like asking who REALLY shot JFK?

Look at the Jayson Blair story. Huge scandal for the New York Times -- a reporter who made up quotes and datelines. The Times published an exhaustive expose.

But who has time to read it? Besides those who are preparing exposes of the expose?

I think this is why the word "whatever" has become universal among young people.

Doesn't matter what the story is -- from Iraq to Cholesterol, wait long enough and someone will contradict it.

Whatever.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BOMB LISTENERS SAT
Moved: 5/16/2003 7:50
CBS-BOMB-LISTENERS 5/12/2003 

So what would YOU do? This is DR...

The purpose of the mock terrorist drills this week was to find out how emergency personnel would respond in the event of an attack.

But I wanted to learn something the exercises in Chicago and out here in Seattle COULDN'T reveal: how regular people, like my listeners, would react.

What would they do if they turned on the TV and saw coverage of a dirty bomb explosion, with 100 people dead, and fire officials reporting that their Geiger counters were going crazy.

John didn't hesitate for a moment -- he knew exactly what to do:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>drill1
Time: 8s
Title: drill1 John
Out-cue: heaven help 'em]

Simple enough.

Others were a little more reasonable -- Phil would use the family earthquake plan:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>drill2
Time: 7s
Title: drill2 Phil
Out-cue: listen what's going on]

As for Hubert, he already has a radiation dispersal bomb plan worked out with his wife:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>drill3
Time: 10s
Title: drill3 - Hubert
Out-cue: after we get into Idaho]

And would he follow instructions to shelter in place with plastic and duct tape?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>drill4
Time: 5s
Title: drill4 -Hubert
Out-cue: just apologize?]

Although in the end, maybe Linda had the most foolproof plan:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>drill5
Time: 5s
Title: drill5 Linda
Out-cue: turn up Mozart]

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS FRENCH ANGER
Moved: 5/16/2003 7:50
CBS-FRENCH ANGER 5/16/2003

The French are angry. This is DR...

The French Ambassador has written an angry letter accusing the US government of planting NASTY STORIES -- stories implying that the French were in bed with SADDAM HUSSEIN.
And they want it STOPPED.
Because it's UNFAIR.
So, the French government has warned us that from now on, it will be checking the American press VERY CLOSELY, to make sure there is no MISINFORMATION or EXAGGERATION.
I like the French, and I sympathize with them, but all this frothing at the mouth neglects to acknowledge a simple fact, which is.... WE DON'T CARE WHAT THEY THINK.
You see, France is not what you would call ... a "superpower."
As far as the Bush Administration is concerned, France is now part of the Axis of Weasels.
-- They're complaining there's misinformation out there. Of COURSE there's misinformation out there! What else is new?
The question is not whether there's misinformation out there -- they question is what are you gonna do about it. Hurl fine cheeses at us?
France's problem is simple. It's not the misinformation -- it's that NOBODY IS SCARED OF FRANCE.
Hey, you're not the only ones who have been victims of misinformation. What about us? We've been accused of worse than you -- we've been accused of wanting to occupy Iraq.
The difference is WE can actually do something about stories like that:
[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>rumsfeld5
Time: 9s
Title: rumsfeld5
Out-cue: ]

RUMSFELD AUDIO: "The impression is that we plan to occupy the country... and it's FLAT FALSE!! (POUNDING PODIUM)" 

'Nuff said! Message received!

Outrage is so much more effective when you're a superpower.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DISARM IRAQ
Moved: 5/15/2003 9:17
CBS-DISARM IRAQ 5/15/2003

Is it American to disarm the Iraqi PEOPLE? This is DR...

American forces are now confiscating guns in Iraq. Iraqis who refuse to turn in their weapons will be arrested.

That made me wonder -- what does the GUN LOBBY think? Here's a REPUBLICAN administration acting like a bunch of liberal gun grabbers.

So I called Angel Shamaya -- executive director of "Keep & Bear Arms dot com:"

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>angel1
Time: 10s
Title: angel1
In-cue: It's wrong to confiscate
Out-cue: allow freedom to exist]

Sure, Angel says, keep the guns out of the hands of children and criminals. But he thinks disarming the Iraqi population goes too far.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>angel2
Time: 10s
Title: angel2
In-cue: Destroying firearms
Out-cue: That crosses a line]

Especially in a place as lawless as Iraq:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>angel3
Time: 8s
Title: angel3
In-cue: How do you defend yourself
Out-cue: taken his firearms]

And yes, he understands that the troops need to defend themselves:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>angel4
Time: 14s
Title: angel4
In-cue: It's occupation
Out-cue: quite a few people]

Angel Shamaya -- executive director of "Keep & Bear Arms dot com."

Say -- you know who Iraq needs right now:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>z-NRA
Time: 8s
Title: NRA - HESTON
Out-cue: ]

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS SHOOTING LOOTERS 2
Moved: 5/15/2003 5:14
CBS-SHOOTING LOOTERS 5/14/2003 [revised for West Coast feed]

Pay no attention to that quotation! This is DR...

With looting still going on in Iraq, there was a report in the New York Times today that the new American administration would take a different approach to persuading looters to stop. Shoot them on sight.

An unnamed official quoted in the Times said that the new American administration in Iraq is going to start shooting a few looters so that the word gets around.

Well, if it was a trial balloon, it didn't last long. 

In Iraq, Major General Buford Blount said the rules of engagement would remain based on self-defense. Soldiers can shoot if they feel threatened, but would not be shooting unarmed looters.

I don't know what's going on here -- sure seems to be a lot of ad-libbing, but I do know that it was only a month ago that the Secretary of Defense was dismissing the looting as no big deal -- remember that?

On April 11 he said it was natural that long-oppressed citizens would "lash out." "Freedom's untidy, and free people are free to make mistakes and commit crimes and do bad things," he said. 

The repeated TV images of looters represented "a fundamental misunderstanding" of what was really going on, he said.

In other words, never mind the pictures, everything is under control. So shooting looters would be a dramatic change in attitude. But now they're saying never mind what you read in the New York Times, nobody's talking about shooting looters.

Except, it IS in the paper of record, so I have a feeling SOMEBODY said it. Unless the story was written by Jayson Blair -- let me check -- no, I'm afraid it wasn't. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SHOOTING LOOTERS
Moved: 5/14/2003 7:17
CBS-SHOOTING LOOTERS 5/14/2003

Stuff happens! This is DR...

The looting in Iraq was supposed to be a spasm that would pass. But it hasn't. Instead it's beginning to look like Baghdad simply traded a brutal regime, for a lawless one.

So the new American administration in Iraq has apparently decided on a different approach to persuading looters to stop. Shoot them on sight.

An unnamed official quoted in the New York Times says that "they are going to start shooting a few looters so that the word gets around." Sheesh! What happened to leaflets?

This represents a fairly dramatic turnaround.

A month ago, the Secretary of Defense was dismissing the looting as no big deal -- remember that?

On April 11, for example, he said it was natural that long-oppressed citizens would "lash out." "Freedom's untidy, and free people are free to make mistakes and commit crimes and do bad things," he said. 

The repeated TV images of looters represented "a fundamental misunderstanding" of what was really going on, he said.

And probably his most famous quote from that period -- "Stuff happens."

But the stuff has been happening for a month now, and so there's a new message: Freedom is untidy, especially if we have to BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT!

I know it seems a little sudden, that we went, in one month, from sympathizing with the looters to shooting them.

But remember -- according to the New York Times, we're only planning to shoot a few, and we're not shooting them for what they SAY, the way the old regime did, but for what they DO. Or what they appear to be doing, to the best of our knowledge.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ATTACKS
Moved: 5/13/2003 7:47
CBS-ATTACKS 5/13/2003
They will learn the meaning of American justice. This is DR...
President Bush is vowing to ''find the killers'' responsible for the bombings in Saudi Arabia. He told a crowd in Indianapolis that ''they will learn the meaning of American justice.''
He must mean those who gave the ORDERS will learn the meaning of American justice, because the killers themselves appear to be dead.
Whereas their organization appears to be very much alive. That organization, according to Secretary Powell, appears to be al Qaeda.
According to one account, the bombed apartments had excellent security. Concrete perimeter walls, electronic detectors, automatic sensors. There were armed guards at the entry gates, and cement road barriers controlled by special electronic keys.
So what did the terrorists do?
They split into three teams. The first team killed the guards and smashed the gates.
The second team drive explosive-packed cars into the outer walls and blew holes in them.
The third team drove the main bombs through those holes and blew up the buildings.
Finally, whoever was left sprayed the buildings with gunfire and lobbed grenades until they were out of ammo, then blew themselves up.
So now -- what kind of drill prepares you for an attack like that? 
There's also a report on one intelligence web site that (QUOTE) "that many hundreds of al Qaeda operatives are in Saudi Arabia preparing for a fresh offensive against US and Saudi targets, including oil fields, airports and airliners."
Well, at least Iraq is going to be a democratic country.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS STRIP CLUBS
Moved: 5/9/2003 9:07
CBS-STRIP CLUBS 5/09/2003

The strip club strikes again. This is DR.

Last week it was former Alabama coach Mike Price brought low by a strip club -- and now, it's the Massapequa High School varsity baseball team.

Like Mike Price, they too were on a junket to Florida, and like Mike Price, they too succumbed to one of Florida's nocturnal temptations -- a place in Cocoa Beach called Sassy Merlot's.

Which, as it turns out is one of those places where women take off their clothes for the entertainment of men.

Or, in this case, boys.

15 of the 19 students on the trip have now been suspended from the Massapequa High School baseball team.

But here's the line in the New York Times article that caught my attention:

(QUOTE) The 19 students and two coaches were accompanied on the trip by 16 parents.

OK. 19 students, 2 coaches, 16 parents. That's a student-adult ratio of 19 to 18. That's almost like having a secret service detail. How could they have slipped out to a place called Sassy Merlot's?

Well there can only be one explanation. Deceptive labeling.

Strip Clubs always have these deceptive names!

The Club Mike Price went to was called Arety's Angels. What does that sound like to you? A religious bookstore run by fundamentalist named Art! No hint that women might be undressing inside! How's a guy to know?

Same with Sassy Merlot's. When I heard that name, I said to myself, OK, a Sassy Merlot -- that would go great with a brash prime rib. 

THERE'S the problem! There needs to be a sign saying "This is a strip club -- naked women inside." Maybe THAT would keep the guys away.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAN
Moved: 5/9/2003 7:42
CBS-IRAN 9/08/2003

Advice to Iran. This is DR...

There is new evidence that Iran may be thinking of developing nuclear weapons.

US diplomats displayed satellite photos of a huge campus of buildings which they say is designed to enrich uranium.

It's for peaceful purposes only, says the head of Iran's nuclear agency.

But Iran being awash in oil, what peaceful purpose could enriched uranium serve except perhaps the peaceful vaporization of, oh, say Tel Aviv?

President Bush says the U-S just has to ``wait and see'' what the UN says. But if I were an Iranian official, I wouldn't bank on that.

I detect a number of hints being dropped.

For example, why do you think we displayed that satellite picture? Because you don't know what your own enriched uranium facility looks like? Or could it be a not-so-subtle message that if we have satellite pictures of your enriched uranium facility, we also have the precise GPS coordinates of your enriched uranium facility.

American officials are also saying that whether you ACTUALLY have nuclear weapons or not, you clearly have the INTENT to develop them.

Do you not remember what happened to the last country that we determined had the INTENT to develop nuclear weapons? Did we need absolute proof?

I don't say it's right, but it's the way the world is right now.

So I would strongly suggest that the Ayatollahs launch a nationwide search for nuclear intent ASAP. Scour you minds for any synapses tinged with nuclear aspirations. Go after the smallest hint of nuclear intent with the same vigor you would an exposed female ankle.

And... don't get too attached to those buildings, either.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BUSH NRA
Moved: 5/8/2003 7:26
CBS-BUSH NRA 5/8/2003

Sometimes, I worry about the President. This is DR...

I think the carrier landing has gone to his head.

Walking on the deck in a jumpsuit can make anyone a little cocky. Oh, he was in-your-face to his democratic critics who accused him of showboating, but I'm not talking about taking on the Democrats.

They're easy.

I'm talking about this.

From the New York Times, (QUOTE)
"Irking N.R.A., Bush Supports Ban on Assault Weapons."
That's right. Senate Democrats today introduce a bill to extend the 1994 ban on assault weapons, and the President plans to support the extension -- in direct defiance of the National Rifle Association.
What does he think he is? The most powerful man in the world?
Does he know what he's up against? I happen to have the latest NRA mailing here. It warns about the gun-hating Congressmen who want to extend "Bill Clinton's gun ban" and asks them to sign MAILGRAM authorizations.
You know what a mailgram authorization is? That gives the NRA the permission and the money to dispatch a laser-guided missive in your name to your representative on a few hours notice. They even WRITE it for you. And they can unleash MILLIONS of them simultaneously.
Remember what happened to the Democrats when THEY opposed the NRA on this ten years ago? Their faces ended up on an NRA wanted poster, they lost their majority in the house, and Newt Gingrich became speaker.
THINK, Mr. President!
Sure, you're a swaggering helmet-carrying jet jockey who just landed on an aircraft carrier fully 30 miles off the coast of California. 
But this time, you're up against a group that could put YOUR face on a playing card.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS PROMISES
Moved: 5/5/2003 7:33
CBS-PROMISES 5/02/03

So many promises, so little time. This is DR...

Now that the war in Iraq is officially almost over, we've come to the point where Americans start losing interest.

But the Arab world is still very much tuned in. Abdulaziz Almahmoud is the editor in chief of the English language division of Al Jazeera, and the word he gets from Baghdad is that people are running out of patience:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>abdulaziz1
Time: 15s
Title: abdulaziz1
Out-cue: ]

That part is pretty obvious. The way to a population's heart is through its power grid, its water system, and its economy.

But if we can fix all that, and then go on to establish the democracy we've promised, Abdulaziz sees a huge payoff for America in terms of respect and cooperation in the wider Arab world:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>abdulaziz2
Time: 28s
Title: abdulaziz2
Out-cue: ]

Abdulaziz Almahmoud of Al Jazeera.net. I sure hope we can afford to spread all that democracy.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BUSH SPEECH
Moved: 5/5/2003 7:33
CBS-BUSH SPEECH 5/02/2003

The troops have spoken. This is DR...

When a sailor's at sea, he or she doesn't usually get the chance to give the President feedback.

But the crew of the Abraham Lincoln got that chance. Let's listen to what they said:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bushlincoln3
Time: 23s
Title: bushlincoln3
Out-cue: ]

The applause timer read -- 14.5 seconds -- substantial enthusiasm for the concepts in the Gettysburg Address, which you'd expect on the Abraham Lincoln.

And then there was the concept of teaching al Qaeda a lesson:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bushlincoln4
Time: 31s
Title: bushlincoln4
Out-cue: ]

24.8 seconds for teaching Al Qaeda a lesson. 

But let's face it, the troops reserved their real enthusiasm for this line:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bushlincoln8
Time: 38s
Out-cue: ]

29.6 seconds -- followed almost immediately by 24.2 seconds for a similar line, for a total of 53.6 seconds. That means the troops find the concept of "spending time at home" 116% more appealing than punishing Al Qaeda, and 270% more appealing than the Gettysburg Address.

And if the rest of the world simply does what we want ... they'll get their wish.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MIKE PRICE
Moved: 5/5/2003 7:33
CBS-MIKE PRICE 5/5/2003

Alabama loses another one. This is DR...

Coach Mike Price finally gets his dream job: a chance to fill Bear Bryant's shoes at the University of Alabama.

Price is just the squeaky-clean kind of guy to fix the Tide's tarnished reputation: Married to his high school sweetheart, and loved at Washington State, where he took a modestly-financed school to two Rose Bowls in five years. Now -- he's gonna get ten million dollars, and his own jet.

And then, in April, during a golf tournament in Pensacola -- he reportedly spends two hundred dollars on a stripper named Destiny Stall and wakes up the next morning with a different woman in his hotel room, who signs for $1000 worth of food and drink ... to go.

Price's wife and the players support him, but after secret meetings about how this might reflect on the school, Alabama President Robert Witt tears up the ten million dollar contract.

There is a lesson here. 

When someone says, "Let's go to a place where the girls have names like Destiny Stall" -- there are times when a man needs to say "No!"

And, should you return to your hotel and find a stranger in your room, there are times when a man should say "Get the hell out of my room!"

Coach Price says he deserves a second chance; a chance to make something positive out of this.

Maybe he does.

Maybe it turns out that Destiny Stall has a doctorate in Sports Medicine.

Maybe the unknown woman with the take-out was the team nutritionist.

But if there is a time for second chances, I believe the rule in Alabama is that it comes ... AFTER you've posted a winning record.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ENVY
Moved: 5/1/2003 7:58
CBS-ENVY 5/1/03

The troops come home. This is DR...

These military homecomings bring a flood of feelings: from the families-- relief, joy, love.

And from the rest of us -- some will feel gratitude, some will feel pride, and... some of us will feel one other thing. 

Envy.

I'll admit it. I envy these men and women.

Not for the danger they faced, of course, but for what they got to do at work.

What do WE get to do at work? Some of us build roads and bridges and skyscrapers -- things we can point to and say "I did that", but a lot of us just warm a chair, and tap on a keyboard. 

Yes, plenty of military people warm a chair and tap on a keyboard too, but something very different happens when they press "Enter."

Palaces blow up. History changes.

Yes, I know it's unseemly to be envious of what is, at its heart, a job based on violence and destruction. But let's face it -- when most of us go home at the end of the day, what have we done? How many journalists are scrambling to be embedded ... with us?

And this is why the peace movement will never prevail. 

In a world full of win-win situations, there's still a basic human need for the occasional win-lose situation. 

Diplomats talk and shake hands, and exchange leather-bound documents -- be still my beating heart -- but diplomatic victories are gradual, and hard to recognize.

In a war, victory is easy to recognize. Statues come down. The Defense secretary delivers a speech from the enemy's palace.

The returning troops can point to those pictures and say "that's what I did at work today... what did you do?"

Now this... 
Index 

CBS SHOOTING
Moved: 4/30/2003 9:43
CBS-SHOOTING 4/29/2003

What really happened. This is DR...

You've heard the report today that American soldiers fired on demonstrators in a town 30 miles outside Baghdad. The demonstrators were upset that the 82nd airborne had occupied a school, and wanted them out so classes could resume.

From the New York Times: (QUOTE) Local people said the firing by the Americans was unprovoked.
The report from the Arabic satellite channel Al Jazeera said that troops fired on demonstrators after someone in the crowd threw a stone at US soldiers. 
"A stone."
From Reuters (QUOTE) "Our soul and our blood we will sacrifice to you martyrs," mourners in Falluja chanted as they buried some of the dead. (UNQUOTE)
Other reports quoted the local hospital director as saying three young boys were among the dead, and that medical crews were shot at when they went to retrieve the injured.
And now, here's the official news release issued by US Central Command:
(QUOTE) Media reports from ...Al Jazeera and other media reporting US soldiers fired unprovoked into a crowd at Fallujah ... are not accurate. Soldiers from the 82nd Airborne Division came under fire from Iraqis armed with AK-47s. The unit exercised its inherent right to self defense and returned fire. (UN-QUOTE)

SO ... what really happened? More to the point, does it even MATTER what really happened? In situations like this, where an occupier fires on the people being occupied, I have a feeling that what really happened has nothing to do with it.

All that matters is what people THINK really happened.

Just ask Israel.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS IT's OVER
Moved: 4/30/2003 9:43
CBS-IT'S OVER 4/30/2003

It's ALMOST over. This is DR...

Tomorrow President Bush will declare from the deck of the aircraft carrier ``Abraham Lincoln'' that most hostilities in Iraq are over.

Iraq is liberated. Rebuilding can begin in earnest.

And, so, presumably, can the investigation that will finally make the critics eat their words: The final hunt for the weapons that gave us no choice but to go to war.

The last CBS News poll found that 77% of the American people still believe Iraq has weapons of mass destruction. INDEED HOW COULD THEY NOT?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>CBS-245 POWELL UN
Time: 12s
Title: CBS-245 POWELL UN
Out-cue: battlefield rockets]

Remember how it was before the war? We lived in a world of fear. When at any moment, doomsday weapons could be smuggled to terrorists ...

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bushspeech6short
Time: 16s
Title: bushspeech6short
Out-cue: ]

Our goal was to make sure that day would never come. And now, with Iraq at our feet, we can at last find and destroy the weapons that created our insecurity. Finding those weapons would sound the final All Clear -- because it would mean that we got to them before the terrorists did.

Whereas NOT finding them would mean... well, you know what? Frankly, I don't want to think what not finding them would mean.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS LEADERSHIP
Moved: 4/28/2003 7:40
CBS-LEADERSHIP 4/28/2003

Who will lead? This is DR...

The self-proclaimed mayor of Baghdad has finally been arrested.

Mohammed al-Zubaidi, was taken away in an army humvee, along with his top aides, before he could even give a concession speech.

The real problem with Mr. al-Zubaidi was not so much that he had proclaimed himself to be mayor. After all, you can walk through some American cities and find people who think they're Jesus.

No, the problem with Mr. Zubaidi was that ... people were LISTENING to him.

THAT's why they had to arrest him. Because people were starting to ACCEPT him.

He had to be arrested because in the eyes of a growing number of people he WAS BECOMING the mayor.

That's going to be a problem in a place like Iraq.

When you have a nation that's used to taking orders from people it didn't elect, anyone who stands up and seems to be in charge... could actually end UP BEING in charge.

So who decides!?

Well, look at our own history.

When the founding fathers announced the Declaration of Independence, why should anybody have believed them?

A national government was merely an idea in the minds of an educated elite.

And indeed the Declaration would be forgotten today except for one thing: the authors of the Declaration had taken the precaution of hiring a general. And giving him an army.

For all the talk about elections, at this point in the nation-building process, there's an easy rule of thumb for deciding who leads.

The leaders are the guys who pay the generals. Any would-be mayors would do well to remember that.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS RUMSFELD
Moved: 4/25/2003 8:35
CBS-RUMSFELD 4/23/2003

Totally false. This is DR...

At this week's Pentagon briefing, Defense Secretary Rumsfeld dismissed a New York Times report quoting high administration officials that the US intended to keep four bases in Iraq.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>rumsfeld5
Time: 10s
Out-cue: ]

One reporter described him as "on fire." I would says more like "ticked off." He wanted to stop that story cold.

And so do I, because if we keep four bases, we look like liars. So I wanted to check with my listeners to see if they got the message:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>listener1
Time: 8s
Title: listener1
Out-cue: for the war, absolutely]

Yikes! And he wasn't the only supporter of the war who thinks Rumsfeld is spinning a tale.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>listener2
Time: 4s
Title: listener2
Out-cue: essential we do that, and I was not for war originally]

In ten minutes, I took calls and e-mails from 23 people; only three believed Rumsfeld.

It was very discouraging. Especially "Rick" who called to suggest that I listen more closely to what the secretary had said:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>listener6
Time: 21s
Title: listener6
Out-cue: have a good day dave]

Well, what do talk show callers know anyway.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BLANKS IRAQ
Moved: 4/25/2003 8:35
CBS-BLANKS-IRAQ 4/25/2003

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>cbs042503
Time: 96s
Title: Blanks - Iraq BEST OF
Out-cue: ]

Fill in the Blanks. This is DR...

The feature where I read a story we've all heard so many times that even ordinary people like you can Fill In The ...BLANKS.

Ready? Here we go.

More high Iraqi officials are in custody, including deputy prime minister Tariq Aziz, whose card is THE EIGHT OF SPADES. Which means the Pentagon now has ... GIN.

But the big challenge, now that Iraq is liberated, is establishing... DEMOCRACY.

The trouble there is that neighboring Iran has been trying to mess everything up by exercising ... OUTSIDE INFLUENCE.

As everyone knows, outside influence makes it impossible to hold ... FAIR ELECTIONS.

That's why elections here in the United States work so well, because outside influence is... ABSOLUTELY PROHIBITED.

And so, to keep Iraq's elections free from outside influence, they will be run by Jay Garner, a retired US General who comes from a part of Iraq known as ...FLORIDA.

A place that knows exactly ...HOW TO RUN A FAIR ELECTION, free of ...OUTSIDE INFLUENCE.

That's why elections can't happen right away -- because the outside influence might cause Iraqis to vote for a form of government known as a ... THEOCRACY.

And as every college graduate knows, the main problem with a Theocracy is that it is a government run by leaders who ... WE DIDN'T PICK.

That's why our policy is clear: the Iraqis are free to choose ... ANY GOVERNMENT THEY WANT, as long as the oil minister is ... FROM TEXAS.

Yes. And actually, we might allow a Theocracy, provided that you define Theocracy as: A DEMOCRACY RUN BY AN AMERICAN NAMED 'THEO.'

Very good.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FREEDOM AND RELIGION
Moved: 4/23/2003 8:02
CBS-FREEDOM AND RELIGION 4/23/2003

Wait! That's not what we meant! This is Dave Ross...

American officials have been saying that the form of any new government would be up to the Iraqi people.

Well, meet the electorate:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>karbala1
Time: 12s
Title: karbala1
Out-cue: ]

Apparently the White House didn't expect the voter registration line to look quite like this.

Hundreds of thousands Shia Muslims making a pilgrimage to Karbala, exercising a kind of Freedom that demonstrators here can only dream of.

-- Blocking streets, marching for miles without a permit, and doing things that would freak out most American police departments.

In an American demonstration about the grossest thing you see is a few poetry majors spattering themselves with fake blood and going limp in the streets.

But in Karbala:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>karbala2
Time: 20s
Title: karbala2
Out-cue: ]

They were drawing their own blood with real daggers. It was streaming down their faces.

And others were lined up in ranks flogging themselves with metal chains. A Cat O' Nine Tails, fine. But metal chains?

And now, the White House has realized that under a democracy, these people might tend to vote as a block. And this is not what we had in mind. We thought maybe a little Kum-Bay-Yah.

But hey -- who gave them the idea? I THINK IT WAS US.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bushspeech11 shorter
Time: 11s
Title: bushspeech11 shorter
Out-cue: ]

Now, if they want to start a bloody-headed self-flogging Islamic state... I think about the only thing we can say is -- as long as it doesn't include anthrax, sarin, or nuclear fission, go for it.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS HOW MUCH TRUTH
Moved: 4/22/2003 14:30
CBSMONDAY2 3/24/2003

How much truth. This is DR...

You are getting a very different picture of the war than we are getting here 
in the Persian Gulf. The US networks have focused on the action: the 
dramatic pictures, sometimes live, of troops under fire. So far, they've 
been compelling, but clean. The incoming bullets always miss, and when the 
outgoing fire hit its mark, we see only the flash and the smoke.

On Al Jazeera, we saw what happens when things DON'T go so well.

I timed it. The footage of the dead marines lasted close to five minutes. 
The cameraman walked all around the bodies, zooming in on the faces, the 
dogtags, the papers they had been carrying. No mosaic effect to spare you 
the worst of the wounds  this was like an autopsy. You wouldn't complan 
about your kids graphic video games ever again if you saw this.

We've seen the same coverage of civilian casualties. It's a journalistic 
tradition in this region.

And you won't see it on American TV. Central Command sent the 
correspondents here a frosty email asking that this footage not be aired, 
and the networks themselves have sent out memos: do not show anything in 
poor taste.

Interesting concept, covering a war in good taste...

It's certainly not a consideration for the Iraqi military leadership who 
were like kids at Christmas:

IRAQI INFORMATION MINISTER Muhammad Saeed alSharif: "They are suffering 
from shock...and awe."

In the end, CNN showed one still photo of a dead marine. No face, no wounds 
visible, just a corpse in a uniform.

Very tasteful.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS LEAVING IRAQ
Moved: 4/22/2003 7:39
CBS-LEAVING IRAQ 4/21/2003

Leaving Iraq. This is DR...

The latest eruption of free speech in Iraq was 1500 people outside the Palestine Hotel in Baghdad chanting America Get Out!

The object of their protest -- retired General Jay Garner, who finally arrived in Baghdad to begin the reconstruction effort.

I don't know what they're complaining about. When the President Addressed the Iraqi people ten days ago, he was perfectly clear:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush0410
Time: 9s
Out-cue: ]

Our military forces will leave.

General Garner himself confirmed that we don't intend to stay long:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>AP 123 IRAQ-GARNER
Time: 6s
Title: AP 123 IRAQ-GARNER
Out-cue: FAIRLY RAPIDLY]

That's what we do. We help you, and then we leave, without expecting anything in return.

And yes, we CAN say we do not expect anything in return because we have that from the highest levels:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>rumsfeld1
Time: 3s
Out-cue: ]

Remember that? 

So what the demonstrators are complaining about? Free speech is one thing, but this .... this is bordering on ingratitude!

There is ONE teensy weensy thing we might want, and that's maybe a military base BUT that's a minor thing. OK, maybe two military bases, but like I say...

All right, actually, we want four bases. One at the Baghdad Airport, one near Al-Nasiriyah, one at the Bashur airfield in the North, and one in the desert near Jordan which nobody will see anyway.

So what I'm saying is we're definitely leaving -- it just depends on what the definition of "leave" is.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WMD
Moved: 4/22/2003 7:39
CBS-WMD 4/22/2003

Are we there yet? This is DR....

Day 33 since the war started, and still no nasty weapons. 

But is it even reasonable to ask the question at this point?

In yesterday's briefing, the Defense secretary said, basically, NO. With bemused annoyance, he told reporters we expect the informants to come forward eventually, but it's not my job to give you guys every fragment of information we develop. 

When we've got some real results, we'll tell you.

Leading inquiring minds to ask, with the regime removed, why would so many Iraqi scientists keep mum?

At least one Iraqi scientist HAS decided NOT keep mum. A New York Times reporter traveling with one of the forensic teams said this scientist led them to a site where the weapons USED to be. But he claimed that right before the war, at least one weapons lab was burned -- and other nasty weapons were sent to Syria, which would explain why we can't find them. 

The scientist also claimed he had proof of links between the Iraqi military and Al Qaeda, so that's the daily double right there -- one scientist; TWO smoking guns.

But the Times reporter was not permitted to identify the scientist, nor to interview him, only to see him from a distance.

As for why Saddam would develop these weapons only to get rid of them, I would assume that means all those warning flyers we dropped paid off.

So that's where we are on the search for nasty weapons. Unsatisfying I know, especially the prospect that they may have escaped to Syria. But I think perhaps former CIA director James Woolsey put it best over the weekend:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>woolsey
Time: 3s
Out-cue: ]

Pretty much covers it.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WEAPONS2
Moved: 4/18/2003 7:04
CBS-WEAPONS2 4/18/2003

The other worrisome weapons. This is DR...

The search continues for the W.M.D., and we all hope they turn up.

But I'm hoping that the very smart people in the Defense Department are also on the alert for the proliferation of another kind of weapon. The weapons that the dictators REALLY want. 

Because the anthrax, the nerve gas -- if Saddam had them, they didn't help him much, did they?

No, the bad guys of the world will now be looking for a new kind of weapon to save themselves.

Not the imprecise and ineffective weapons of the Saddam Hussein regime, but the precise and very effective weapons of the George W. Bush regime.

They're going to want the smart bombs. The weapons of mass precision.

And THOSE are the weapons we had better protect.

Consider what a smart bomb does: it allows one spotter on the ground to take out anything from a platoon to a palace -- and LIVE TO TELL ABOUT IT.

It's a suicide bomb without the suicide. You can hit the enemy without having to go to heaven in the bargain...

Once upon a time, this stuff was too expensive for your average dictator. 

But now -- some of these smart weapons cost as little as $20,000. You can take a dumb bomb, fit it with a satellite receiver and a motor, and presto: a poor-man's smart bomb that almost never misses.
US allies are already buying hundreds of them.
Thank goodness you still need an expensive radar-evading air force to deliver them.
But as this stuff gets cheaper and more versatile ... I just hoping that embedded deep in the guidance control software, is a little command that says targets in the United States will not compute.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS ELECTIONS
Moved: 4/18/2003 6:54
CBS-ELECTIONS 4/18/2003

Firing the mayor of Baghdad. This is DR....

We all know who will choose the new leaders of Iraq - say it with me - "the Iraqi people!"

But how do you decide when the Iraqi people have spoken?

At the Palestine Hotel in Baghdad, at least two local politicians have approached reporters claiming they've already been elected. There are even reports of a Mayor of Baghdad.

But at the morning briefing, General Vince Brooks made it clear the reports are false:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>brooks3
Time: 5s
Out-cue: ]

He acknowledges some "local organizing activities:"

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>brooks2
Time: 4s
Title: brooks2
Out-cue: ]

But no one's been elected yet. And how does he know that no one's been elected yet?
How does he know that the Iraqi people haven't just spontaneously started electing new leaders?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>brooks1
Time: 7s
Out-cue: ]

That's the answer: you can tiptoe around it all you want, but the Coalition has the final say over who runs Iraq and who runs Baghdad.

In fact, you could argue that the coalition today FIRED Iraq's first unapproved elected leader, when General Brooks, asked point blank about this mayor of Baghdad, gave this answer:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>brooks4
Time: 3s
Title: brooks4
Out-cue: ]

I think you've just been un-elected Mr. Mayor.

So, while it may be true that the Iraqi people will get to choose their own leaders, the job of choosing WHO they get to choose -- is up to a higher power.

Which, come to think of it, sounds a little like the way we do it here.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SYRIA
Moved: 4/18/2003 6:54
CBS-SYRIA 4/15/2003

Surrender, Syria. This is DR...

With the immediate crisis in Iraq wrapping up, the question is what's next, and what's next, judging from the news reports, is Syria. 

Secretary of State Powell says Syria is developing weapons of mass destruction. Press secretary Ari Fleisher said today there is ample evidence Syria is harboring fugitives from Saddam's regime.

To which Syria says nonsense.

But my advice to Syrian dictator Bashar Assad is that whether these allegations are nonsense or not, you probably shouldn't DISMISS them.

You need to consider the situation.

Number one:

America has just spent one month, many billions of dollars, and over 100 lives on a mission to eliminate nasty weapons. And since we haven't been able to find them yet, it's logical to conclude they went somewhere.

Syria seems as good a place as any to look for them.

Number two: Syria may be betting that Americans aren't ready to spend money on another war soon soon after the last one. But that presumes that Americans care what the LAST war cost. As far as I can tell, they don't. They're not paying attention to the budget, or the budget deficit, or basically anything Congress says or does.

We're feeling too good about POW rescues and the sheer magnitude of our power.

All of this is bad news for Syria.

The only good thing news for Syria is that the vilification program hasn't begun yet. The President hasn't yet called the Syrian dictator a "butcher" or used the term "regime change," so it's not too late.

If Syria is smart, it will surrender pre-emptively, and beg us to organize a new police department for them.

Now this.

[Also consider -- with our troops next door, the threshold for claiming self-defense is lower.] 
Index 

CBS WEAPONS
Moved: 4/17/2003 7:25
CBS-WEAPONS 4/17/2003

Another reason to find those weapons. This is DR...

We all know why it's important to find Iraq's nasty weapons. Number one, it's the reason we went to war; number two, we'd look silly if we didn't.

But there's a number three reason too.

Yesterday the President signed a bill allocating 79 billion dollars for the war and some of the reconstruction.

And this money will have to come from -- let's see, Britain? Australia? Spain? Bulgaria? No. I believe that would be you and me.

But Dave, you say, Iraq floats on an ocean of black gold. Now that it's liberated, why doesn't the UN just lift the sanctions and let them sell as much as they want?

Well, that's what I thought. I thought after the war the sanctions would be lifted automatically.

And they WOULD be, except for one thing. UN resolutions, the same UN resolutions we relied upon to justify the war, state that the sanctions against Iraq CAN be lifted -- PROVIDED: the UN certifies Iraq is free of weapons of mass destruction.

See, THAT's the problem. Since we've been insisting all along that those weapons are absolutely positively there, we can't very well ask the UN to certify that they're not, until someone actually finds them.

In other words, in the eyes of the UN, Free Iraq has JUST as many illegal weapons as Saddam's Iraq.

And until that changes, Iraq's oil can only buy food and medicine. Not bridges or roads or runways or power plants or all the other things that you and I will be paying for, for the next however many years.

Couldn't they just pretend those pesticides were the weapons and be done with it?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS POWER
Moved: 4/16/2003 8:00
CBS-POWER 4/16/2003

Ignoring the obvious. This is DR.

Everybody's tiptoeing around the obvious. The obvious being this: we run the world now, and there's nothing anybody can do about it.

Take this question from yesterday's briefing:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>question
Time: 11s
Title: question for Vince Brooks
Out-cue: ]

General Brooks gave his usual courteous answer, but I'll give you the real answer.

The reason we didn't protect the antiquities is that it's almost impossible to get antiquities into the gas tank of a minivan.

Why tiptoe around it? This isn't about the antiquities of the past, it's about the realities of the future. And the future is that WE make the rules. WE'RE the new boss.

BETTER than the old boss -- but still the boss.

And yet some people still don't understand that resistance is futile.

Here was the Arab League's ambassador to the United Nations, protesting the recent trash talk on Syria:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>arableague
Time: 9s
Title: arableague complains about Syria 
Out-cue: ]

OK, but what exactly are you going to do about it?

Crumple up our leaflets?

Then you have Palestinian officials demanding the release of terrorist Abu Abbas, mastermind of the Achille Lauro hijacking, who was arrested in Baghdad:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>palestinian spkes
Time: 2s
Title: palestinian spkes
Out-cue: ]

Or else ... what? If we don't return him, you'll... continue to be upset, is what you'll do.

Face it, world. We're the cable company.

Now this... 
Index 

CBS WEAPONS
Moved: 4/15/2003 7:55
CBS-SYRIA 4/15/2003

Surrender, Syria. This is DR...

With the immediate crisis in Iraq wrapping up, the question is what's next, and what's next, judging from the news reports, is Syria. 

Secretary of State Powell says Syria is developing weapons of mass destruction. Press secretary Ari Fleisher said today there is ample evidence Syria is harboring fugitives from Saddam's regime.

To which Syria says nonsense.

But my advice to Syrian dictator Bashar Assad is that whether these allegations are nonsense or not, you probably shouldn't DISMISS them.

You need to consider the situation.

Number one:

America has just spent one month, many billions of dollars, and over 100 lives on a mission to eliminate nasty weapons. And since we haven't been able to find them yet, it's logical to conclude they went somewhere.

Syria seems as good a place as any to look for them.

Number two: Syria may be betting that Americans aren't ready to spend money on another war soon soon after the last one. But that presumes that Americans care what the LAST war cost. As far as I can tell, they don't. They're not paying attention to the budget, or the budget deficit, or basically anything Congress says or does.

We're feeling too good about POW rescues and the sheer magnitude of our power.

All of this is bad news for Syria.

The only good thing news for Syria is that the vilification program hasn't begun yet. The President hasn't yet called the Syrian dictator a "butcher" or used the term "regime change," so it's not too late.

If Syria is smart, it will surrender pre-emptively, and beg us to organize a new police department for them.

Now this.

[Also consider -- with our troops next door, the threshold for claiming self-defense is lower.] 
Index 

CBS FREEDOM
Moved: 4/14/2003 8:22
CBS-FREEDOM 4/14/2003

The best news yet. This is DR...

More positive news coming out of Iraq: the POW's rescued, once again thanks to tips from the locals.

-- Northern oils fields on the mend.

-- No organized opposition in Tikrit.

-- Markets reopening in Baghdad.

But here's the most extraordinary news of all. Demonstrations -- AGAINST us!

You remember last week there were pro-American demonstrations, statues toppled, chants of "We Love Bush," which was followed by the looting, which the Americans and British basically watched, so that now, we've seen a NEW kind of demonstration.

Protest demonstrations!

-- Demonstrations to demand that the Americans restore order!

The defense secretary didn't think much of it, saying you have to expect some looting after all those years of oppression. He seemed to dismiss the demonstrators as an ungrateful minority. 

But, you know what? I think they represent our crowning achievement. I believe it's called "peaceably assembling to petition the government for redress of grievances." 

Nothing says the grievances have to be reasonable. The fact that people felt free to start griping against the government just the way Americans here at home do makes me feel all warm inside.

And even more encouraging is that it seems to have worked.

Military commanders are speeding up their plans to establish a working civil administration. There's even progress in getting the electricity back on. So you keep demonstrating. You tell Rumsfeld what you think. Frankly, the idea that a Republican tolerates looting kind of scares us too.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQ IMPROV
Moved: 3/14/2003 8:51
CBS-IRAQ UPDATE 3/14/2003

A day at the improv. This is Dave Ross...

A week ago the President was saying time to put the cards on the table.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush_vote
Time: 2s
Title: bush_vote from March News conference
In-cue: Now matter what the whip count 
Out-cue: is we're callin' for the vote]

Now, a U-N resolution isn't necessary; instead there will be a summit in the Azores with Great Britain and Spain, described as a last ditch peace effort. Except -- the US Great Britain and Spain are already agreed on war, right?

Then yesterday, Colin Powell was telling Congress that the military occupation of Iraq would not be an occupation:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>powell3
Time: 6s
Title: powell3
In-cue: Not an occupation
Out-cue: ]...inaccurate

-- And then talked about how this non-occupation would be paid for:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>powell2
Time: 16s
Title: powell2
Out-cue: ]

Funds of the Iraqi people -- doesn't that mean we'd be taking control of the oil money? What other funds do they have? I don't think their anthrax business is going to bring in a lot of money after the war. 

And did you hear this part?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>powell4
Time: 2s
Title: powell4
Out-cue: ]

-- So after the war, we would go BACK to the same UN which we are now ignoring, to seek its blessing?

And then this morning the President and Tony Blair suddenly announce they're ready to solve the Israeli-Palestinian feud once and for all, by laying out a road map for a Palestinian state... Yikes!

Does it feel to you like there's a lot of ad-libbing going on here? 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NON PROLIFERATION
Moved: 3/14/2003 8:51
CBS-NON-PROLIFERATION 3/11/2003

Out of control. This is DR...

Oh those nasty weapons of you-know-what. You try bluffing them out, you try THREATENING them out, and still they remain.

Joseph Cirincione, is an expert in controlling nasty weapons for the Carnegie Endowment, one of the oldest Washington think tanks.

And like everyone, he says Saddam is a bad man. But unlike most people, he's not afraid of his weapons.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>cirincione
Time: 2s
Title: joseph cirincione / Dir Non-Proliferation Project
In-cue: Carnegie Endowment
Out-cue: ]

As for the concern Saddam might provide them to terrorists, he says no way. For one good reason:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>cirincione2
Time: 11s
Title: cirincione
Out-cue: ]

Ironically, he thinks the REAL threat would be if Saddam LOST control. 

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>cirincione3
Time: 12s
Title: cirincione3
In-cue: you may scatter the weapons
Out-cue: ]

He worries Iraqi officers, fearing prosecution, might get selfish.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>cirincione4
Time: 6s
Title: cirincione4
In-cue: Officer may flee
Out-cue: ]

But being an expert on these things, Joseph Cirincione has answer: offer amnesty. Quick:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>cirincione5
Time: 15s
Title: cirincione
Out-cue: ]

That would truly be a dirty bomb.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SMART2
Moved: 3/13/2003 8:44
CBS-SMART2 3/13/2003

Are there any lessons. This is DR...

You want to learn SOMETHING from the Elizabeth Smart case because this is every parent's worst nightmare -- waking up one morning to find your child gone. Especially when it happens in one of those gorgeous suburbs where people move to ESCAPE that kind of thing.

Believe in miracles -- that's one lesson. 

Don't hire a handyman with a messiah complex... that's another lesson. Elizabeth's mom had hired Brian David Mitchell, the suspect, after finding him panhandling. He spent five hours at their home fixing the roof, and only now do they find he'd been living in the mountains like an old testament prophet because he thought he was Jesus. The lesson there I suppose is to be a little more careful about vetting the handyman.

But there's a third lesson too: that sometimes the usual suspects are the wrong suspects.

Because the culprit wasn't supposed to be a roofer who thought he was Jesus, it was supposed to be Richard Albert Ricci, a convicted felon, ALSO hired as a handyman by the Smarts.

He ended up giving 26 hours of police interviews, he took polygraph tests, he gave a blood sample, he even handed over the Jeep that the Smarts had given him in payment for his work. 

But the police could never connect him to the crime. Instead they put him in jail on a parole violation. And that's where he was, locked up, when he died of a brain hemorrhage -- leaving some investigators worried that the secret had died with him.

But now as it turns out -- he had no secret. Just one more reminder: that you never know ... until you know.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GEOGRAPHY
Moved: 3/13/2003 6:26
CBS-GEOGRAPHY 3/12/2003

Something isn't getting through. This is DR...

How long have we been talking about Iraq now? 

How intensely has the story been covered since the President's big speech in September 12th? Like every day?

And yet look at this story:
A National Geographic survey of nearly 3,000 young adults between the ages of 18 and 24 finds that 87 percent of them can't find Iraq on a map. 

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>geo1
Time: 3s
Title: geo1
Out-cue: ]

Like hearing a collective DUH from an entire generation:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>geo2
Time: 2s
Title: geo2
Out-cue: ]

Make it STOP!

I suppose it's not so strange. Lately, even Tony Blair is having trouble finding Iraq on a map.

But this REALLY raises questions ... about the effectiveness of the media.

What do we have to do?

I thought we had made it impossible for ANYBODY to avoid this story. Is it possible that ANY American has NOT seen a map with the letters I-R-A-Q plastered across it?

The border is burned into my picture tube.

CNN has a FLOOR map. It's so big it can hold ALL their retired generals.

How much time does it take the teacher to pick up the globe and say "IRAQ -- here!"

Maybe the problem is that we keep saying it's in the "Middle East." Everybody thinks it's somewhere around Detroit.

No, I'll tell you the REAL reason 18-to-24-year-olds don't know where Iraq is. Two words: No draft.

Anyway -- I appeal to all high school teachers to take a few minutes before the end of school today to have the kids find Iraq on a map.

Do it now. I saw that bomb test yesterday. In a few weeks, NO one may be able to find Iraq on a map.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS DELAY
Moved: 3/12/2003 8:35
CBS-DELAY 3/11/2003

Has something changed? This is DR

Last week the President was ready for a UN vote regardless of the outcome.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush_vote
Time: 2s
Title: bush_vote from March News conference
In-cue: Now matter what the whip count 
Out-cue: is we're callin' for the vote]

But today there is talk of allowing more time for a UN vote, and maybe extending the deadline for the start of the war. It sounds like a delay. 

Why?

-- Especially when you consider the promises we've heard from people like Richard Perle, Chair of the Defense Policy Board:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>perle1A
Time: 15s
Title: Richard Perle, Chmn Defense Policy Board
In-cue: Meet the Press 2/24/03
Out-cue: ]

Deputy Defense secretary Paul Wolfowitz has promised the same thing:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>wolf1
Time: 32s
Out-cue: ] .. liberatorsCUT OFF

He has ALSO promised -- progress between Israel and the Palestinians:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>wolf3short
Time: 8s
Title: Paul Wolfowitz
Out-cue: ]

And finally, there's the familiar reassurance of the Defense Secretary himself that our motives are pure.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>rumsfeld1
Time: 3s
Out-cue: ]

Our leadership has set up this war as the ultimate test of who's telling the truth. If it's us, why hesitate?

Because you know what ELSE it means if we liberate the Iraqis, give them back their oil, find the hidden weapons, and create peace in Israel? It means the French ... would owe us one big fat apology.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS Mr ROGERS
Moved: 3/11/2003 14:59
CBS-Mr ROGERS 2/27/2003

The voice of childhood. This is DR...

Fred Rogers was universally loved and respected for his personal philosophy and his use of television:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>AP-108 MR ROGERS
Time: 9s
Title: AP-108 MR ROGERS
Out-cue: cherish it]

And yet, the Mr. Rogers sound bites we're hearing today -- seem to come from a parallel universe.

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS-114 MR ROGERS
Time: 8s
Title: CBS-114 MR ROGERS
Out-cue: love you]

As kids, that's what most of us were taught. Then we grow up, only to find the world is also full of people looking for ways to say I hate you. And when that happens, the child who once found comfort in Mr. Rogers, needs something more.

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>BUSH-1
Time: 9s
Title: BUSH-1
Out-cue: The Danger must be confronted]

That voice from childhood is still there -- arguing for a gentler alternative:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>AP-107 MR ROGERS
Time: 15s
Title: AP-107 MR ROGERS
Out-cue: ourselves]

"How do we make goodness attractive? By doing whatever we can to bring courage to those whose lives move near our own. By treating our neighbor at least as well as we treat ourselves."

But in the end, we turn it off. We're grown up now, and we've concluded that not everyone in the world can be defined as a neighbor.

And that for them, the rules must be adjusted:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>BUSH-3
Time: 5s
Title: BUSH-3
Out-cue: and Forcefully]

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. 
Index 

CBS JUST WAR
Moved: 3/10/2003 9:02
CBS-JUST WAR 3/10/2003

Just Wars. This is DR...

While US diplomats try one more time to lobby the United Nations, religious diplomats are busy lobbying an even higher authority.

Former President Jimmy Carter is the latest to argue that attacking Iraq without UN support fails the standards for a "Just War."

Maybe you've heard these discussions about "Just Wars." For thousands of years, theologians have needed to come up with a way that you can kill people without getting God ticked off. The result is the "Just War" theory, which attempts to define the types of wars that God considers to be OK.

[The main principles of "Just War" theory, are that war must be used only as a last resort, it must be proportional to the injury suffered, it must protect non-combatants, it must be authorized by legitimate authority, and there must be a reasonable chance of success.]

But there's a problem with Just War Theory: It's clearly a waste of time.

Because look what you have: you have Jimmy Carter, a born-again Christian, saying the war is UNJUST, and you have George W. Bush, another deeply religious Christian, saying the war IS just.

If two committed Christians of their stature can't agree on what a just war is, then what's the point of the discussion?

How can good people who believe in the same God come to opposite conclusions on the most important decision a government can make?

A God-fearing President is going to give the order. God-fearing soldiers are going to carry it out -- even as equally God-fearing people from Jimmy Carter to the Pope claim that God is saying STOP.

Here religion is supposed to teach humility before an almighty God. But instead, it has only helped both sides convince themselves that they are even more right. 

Because thanks to Just War theory, instead of merely speaking for themselves, they can claim they speak for God.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ACCENT
Moved: 3/7/2003 8:54
CBS-ACCENT 3/6/2003

What's in an accent? This is DR...

Today we take a break from war developments to tackle the question, what should Saddam sound like." Because, as everybody now knows, it wasn't the voice of an actual Arab translator that you heard when Dan Rather interviewed Saddam Hussein:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>aaa-RATHER-ACCENT
Time: 9s
Title: aaa-RATHER-ACCENT
Out-cue: IRAQI PEOPLE]

That's Steve Winfield, an actor known for his ability to nail any foreign accent.

The network, of course, had actual Arab-speakers write the translation, but apparently none of them were very good with voices, and with Meryl Streep evidently too busy, CBS had Mr. Winfield read their script.

And now the journalistic purists want to make this a big deal. An ACTOR! How dare they!

Let's cool down, people, let's step back. I know everyone's on edge these days, but let's think this through.

Dan Rather was interviewing ... a tyrannical foreign dictator.

Do you want him to sound like an American? (TEXAS) "They gonna offer me asylum in my own country? That dog won't hunt!" 

No one's gonna buy that. He's got to sound foreign. 

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>accent1
Time: 3s
Title: Steve Winfield
Out-cue: ]

So if you're not going to give him an American accent, you have to make a choice:

(ITALIAN) "Ey - Newsboy -- you talkina me?"

The CONCEPT is there, but that's even worse.

(BRITISH) "You Americans and your silly "Shock and Awe," it's simply daft!"

You see? No other accent's going to work!

(FRENCH) "All I require is a telephone, my little bag of tools, and some privacy with which to work."
Hmm. Actually, that one's not so bad.

Now this...

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>TRANSLATE1
Time: 3s
Title: TRANSLATE1
Out-cue: ]

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>TRANSLATE2
Time: 6s
Title: TRANSLATE2
Out-cue: ]

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>TRANSLATE3
Time: 7s
Title: TRANSLATE3
Out-cue: ]

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS TERROR WAR
Moved: 3/7/2003 8:53
CBS-TERROR WAR 3/07/2003

If you're looking for the smoking gun, you'll have to look in the dictionary. This is DR.

The reports are in, and the inspectors have no smoking gun. There is no evidence of a nuclear program, and Iraq has cooperated in destroying the weapons that the inspectors know about.

But does that meet the language of Resolution 1441 -- which requires that cooperation be immediate, unconditional and active?

The United States says no.

And so we will go to war over a definition.

If it weren't for Iraq, we would right now be celebrating dramatic victories in the war on terrorism. You have the arrest of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed -- better known as the hairy, half asleep guy in the T-shirt. You have the re-energized hunt for Osama. You have 90 countries working with the US to root out what's left of al Qaeda. On that, there is unanimous agreement.

But it's all overshadowed by war, and the falling stock market, the rising unemployment, and the butterflies of Americans uncomfortable with overwhelming attacks conducted without the acquiescence of other western nations who -- whatever you say about them, are the very types of democracies we hope to create in Iraq.

They may be dead wrong. Historians may end up writing that this was America's finest hour: when it dismissed a weak-kneed United Nations and did what was right; when it brought God's gift of Democracy to an oppressed people!

I don't know, you don't know, the President doesn't know. What we DO know is this:

Whatever happens next, it will forever bear the stamp: Made in America.

And there will be no going back.

Now this ... 
Index 

CBS BUSH IF
Moved: 3/7/2003 8:53
CBS-BUSH 3/7/2003

If if if. This is DR...

Many of you think that the President has made up his mind on war. But last night, despite his condemnation of Saddam as a CANCER, he emphasized repeatedly that -- has still NOT made up his mind.

In fact, the President lobbed no fewer than 15 salvos of the conditional tense:

Let's count:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush_if
Time: 46s
Title: bush_if
Out-cue: ]

Get the message? The President is a reluctant warrior, slow to anger, ready to give Saddam one more chance.

But there IS one thing that is not IFFY, one decision that HAS already been made:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush_un2
Time: 6s
Out-cue: ]

Iraq may have a little more time. But the United Nations ... has already lost.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SURRENDER SADDAM
Moved: 3/5/2003 8:48
CBS-SURRENDER SADDAM 3/5/2003

Digging in. This is Dave Ross...

Everybody's digging in: France, Germany and Russia now say they will (QUOTE) "not allow a resolution to pass that authorizes resorting to force" against Iraq.

That would appear to be in conflict with US plan, which seems to rely fairly heavily on the use of force.

The White House says not to jump to conclusions -- France, Germany and Russia may yet come around. I dunno, sounds expensive to me. If Turkey wouldn't cooperate for 15 billion, France would insist on at LEAST 30, PLUS a Global Warming treaty ...

But you know why it's come to this: those missiles. The ones Saddam told Dan Rather he wouldn't destroy.

He destroyed nine more illegal missiles yesterday, that leaves 92, so at the rate of nine a day that buys them 10 days. 

And if that works, I imagine they'll discover 92 more and start destroying them. In fact, they could be destroying illegal missiles as fast as they can build them. For the rest of their weapons they still profess ignorance.

Everybody's digging in. This is crazy! 

Have you heard the LATEST war plan? Pentagon officials now talk about firing 3,000 precision-guided bombs and missiles in the first 48 hours. Synchronized ground forces would then envelop the country, keeping feuding ethnic groups apart, and locating the weapons of mass destruction.
Never mind Shock and Awe -- this would be the Second Coming.
Some of the human shields have even decided to leave.

The Iraqi high command needs to be ripping up their bed sheets and tying them to sticks NOW. PLEASE surrender! If not for your side, then how about for OUR side? 'Cause we're starting to get scared too.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TWO ENEMIES
Moved: 3/5/2003 7:44
CBS-TWO ENEMIES 3/4/2003

Finally, an enemy you can understand. This is DR...

The Iraq debate began with us demanding that Iraq disarm. Now we have pictures of actual missiles being destroyed, and it's taken as proof that Iraq is NOT disarming.

This is why people turn to drugs.

May I suggest that for your own personal mental health, instead of following the Iraq story, you follow the North Korea story.

Iraq is all bob and weave, thrust and parry, yes means no, compliance means deception. 

But not North Korea.

Look at the North Korea timeline: October 4th, they announce they're scrapping a nuclear weapons agreement, and come right out and say they've been secretly developing nuclear weapons.

December 12th, they announce they'll be re-starting their nuclear reactor.

December 27th, they kick out the United Nations nuclear weapons inspectors.

January 10th -- for anybody who still hasn't gotten the message -- they drop out of the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty.

February 6th, they start the reactor to begin the process of making weapons-grade plutonium.

February 24th, they test-launch an anti-ship missile.

February 27th, they confirm the weapons reactor is running.

And then yesterday, four North Korean fighter jets rise to meet an unarmed US reconnaissance plane, arm their weapons, lock on to the plane -- and play with it for 22 minutes.

You see what we have there? Good, old fashioned provocation!

Crystal clear. No pretense of cooperation, no moral doubt -- our side was unarmed, in INTERNATIONAL air space, their side was ready to shoot.

It's so refreshing. Sometime I just want to grab that Kim Jong-il, and pat his puffy little hairdo.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQ UPDATE
Moved: 3/3/2003 12:00
CBS-IRAQ UPDATE 3/03/03

Ready to jump. This is DR...

It'll be another week of war debate -- but the train has left the station, the plane is wheels-up, the horses have left the gate, the snowball is rolling. People want action.

We got word over the weekend that al-Qaeda's number three guy was arrested -- a huge victory in the war on terrorism, something that should make us feel safer, BUT will his arrest make the sleeper cells rise, or disband?

We don't know. Do we wait to find out, or take action? 

Who ARE our friends? We don't know.

The French are getting as much ridicule as Saddam now!

And other other countries on the Security Council?

The London Sunday Observer published what it says was a leaked memo from the National Security Agency which indicates that the US has been tapping the phones and e-mails of several fence-sitting security council members -- Angola, Cameroon, Chile, Bulgaria, Guinea.

Purpose: to find out how they're going to vote -- and if they're planning on voting the wrong way, how to compromise their positions.
Do we have ANY real friends anymore?
Do we wait to find out, or do we take action?
This is how it happens. This is how you end up doing something you never in a million years thought you'd do.

-- All this stuff being thrown at us everyday, its' like being on a Merry Go Round that goes faster and faster and won't stop, and after a while you think -- "if I just keep sitting here nothing will ever change."

And as you get dizzier and dizzier and you tell yourself, "I don't know how it will turn out, but I can't stay here, I'm gonna jump."

Now this. 
Index 

CBS COST
Moved: 2/28/2003 12:07
CBS-COST 2/28/2003

So much advice, so little time. This is DR...

Cost of a war and occupation of Iraq for six months -- $85 billion.

Cost of basing troops in Turkey: 6 billion

Average price of a gallon of gas this week -- $1.66

Spreading democracy and making the world love us again -- priceless...

But WILL it work?

Albert Yelda of the Iraqi National Coalition says yes, the Iraqi people are ready.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>afghan1
Time: 7s
Title: Albert Yelda
Out-cue: ]

Sounds like Afghanistan -- where liberated men shaved their beards, and liberated women tossed their burkas. And yet as Jere Van Dyke, CBS's Afghanistan expert, points out, Afghan President Hamid Karzai is a long way from getting control.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>afghan2
Time: 15s
Title: Jere Van Dyck
Out-cue: ]

And, although it may be unpopular to say so, Jere also advises paying attention... to the French. Because they DO know one or two things besides how to make a few ounces of food cover a large plate. President Chirac especially:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>afghan3
Time: 17s
Title: Jere Van Dyck
Out-cue: ]

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WOLFOWITZ
Moved: 2/28/2003 12:07
CBS-WOLFOWITZ 2/28/2003

More reassurance. This is DR:

So now Saddam IS destroying his missiles; trying to play the good guy again. The man is incorrigible.

We will go after him anyway, and the deputy defense secretary went Capitol Hill again to reassure Congress that it would be well worth it.

Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz couldn't put a number on the cost, but he was able to put a fairly sharp pencil to the results. 

Among them: that America would emerge not hated but loved.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>wolf1
Time: 32s
Out-cue: ].... to Osama bin Laden"

Making America safer. And making Israel safer too:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>wolf3
Time: 19s
Title: wolf3
Out-cue: ]

As for concerns that this was not a coalition for the willing, but a coalition of the paid-off, he said that the deal to use Turkey's bases would cost only SIX billion, not 26, and that after the war even countries like France and Germany will want to help pay for it.

So-- to the earlier promises that it is not about the oil, and that it will make us safer, you can also add the promise that it will not be as expensive as you thought, that peace will be closer in Israel, and that America will be loved once again.

You have to be a pretty tough customer not to take a deal like that.

Although a money-back guarantee would be nice.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS Mr ROGERS
Moved: 2/28/2003 12:05
CBS-Mr ROGERS 2/27/2003

The voice of childhood. This is DR...

Fred Rogers was universally loved and respected for his personal philosophy and his use of television:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>AP-108 MR ROGERS
Time: 9s
Title: AP-108 MR ROGERS
Out-cue: cherish it]

And yet, the Mr. Rogers sound bites we're hearing today -- seem to come from a parallel universe.

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS-114 MR ROGERS
Time: 8s
Title: CBS-114 MR ROGERS
Out-cue: love you]

As kids, that's what most of us were taught. Then we grow up, only to find the world is also full of people looking for ways to say I hate you. And when that happens, the child who once found comfort in Mr. Rogers, needs something more.

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>BUSH-1
Time: 9s
Title: BUSH-1
Out-cue: The Danger must be confronted]

That voice from childhood is still there -- arguing for a gentler alternative:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>AP-107 MR ROGERS
Time: 15s
Title: AP-107 MR ROGERS
Out-cue: ourselves]

But in the end, we turn it off. We're grown up now, and we've concluded that not everyone in the world can be defined as a neighbor.

And that for them, the rules must be adjusted:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>BUSH-3
Time: 5s
Title: BUSH-3
Out-cue: and Forcefully]

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. 
Index 

CBS SADDAM DEBATE
Moved: 2/26/2003 8:51
CBS-SADDAM DEBATE 2/26/2003

He wants a debate. This is DR...

Saddam Hussein wants a debate. A debate about whether a war is justified. 
The White House immediately dismissed this as absurd...

But Saddam assured Dan Rather he wasn't joking:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS-048 SADDAM RATHER
Time: 12s
Title: CBS-048 SADDAM RATHER
Out-cue: a debate]

"His respect for American public opinion." Could it be that the man has had a personal breakthrough.

He asking for an American style presidential debate. This is a debate where reporters get to ask all sorts of skeptical, even disrespectful questions. Like why won't you destroy those illegal missiles.

To which Saddam would answer:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS-047 SADDAM RATHER
Time: 11s
Title: CBS-047 SADDAM RATHER
Out-cue: been destroyed]

And then, this being an American style debate, Iraqi comedians would be on the air that night ridiculing him. "Did you see what President Saddam said on the debate? "No missiles. Sure. And the torture chambers -- they've all been turned into day spas" and the audience would laugh hysterically...

And then since this is an American style debate, it would be followed by an American style election -- where he could LOSE! In fact, even if he wins he could lose!

I don't think this should be dismissed.

Maybe our campaign to spread democracy is working already. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DICTATOR BOY
Moved: 2/25/2003 11:26
CBS-DICTATOR BOY 2/25/2003

So he's got illegal missiles, he's been told to destroy the illegal missiles, but he will not destroy the illegal missiles, instead he wants a televised debate. And so the stage is set for the final chapter of this strange little dance:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>SONG-Dictator Boy
Time: 116s
Title: Dictator Boy (Saddam)
Out-cue: ]

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. (*) Saddam won't destroy the missiles; he wants a televised debate. I don't think he'll skate this time:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>SONG-Dictator Boy SHORT
Time: 88s
Title: SONG-Dictator Boy SHORT
Out-cue: ]

He had a toy, to blow up the world
Could it be any more obvious?
He was a punk, who wanted his way.
What more can I say?

Where are the bombs? He'll never tell.
He secretly wanted to sell them as well.
But then the UN, looked past its nose
And found some missiles in baggy clothes.

He's a dictator boy, he'll disarm later boy
Some people never ever learn.

The lasers are all in place, satellites up in space
Ready bomb him back to earth.

Five years from now, deep underground
- It's so quiet he can't hear a sound!
The TV is dark, the battery died,
But he can't go outside.

He turns to his friend, they try to smile
'Cause they've both waited here quite a while
And as they prepare to sleep in the floor, he says:
"Osama, do you realize how loud you snore?"

He's a dictator boy, he'll disarm later boy
Some people never learn.

The lasers are all in place, satellites up in space
Ready bomb him back to earth.

DR 2/24/03 
Index 

CBS GRAMMIES PROTEST
Moved: 2/25/2003 11:26
CBS-IRAQ-GRAMMIES 2/24/2003

We dodged another bullet. This is DR...

We remain at code Orange, but we dodged one bullet: those predictions that the Grammies would become one big anti war protest, and send us all running to our safe rooms.

Well, I watched three hours, and NOTHING!

Well, one thing. Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit said (QUOTE) "I think we're all in agreeance that this war should go away as soon as possible.'' (QUOTE) 

Agreeance? I don't think even the President's discovered that word yet.

Cheryl Crow wore a No War guitar strap, but part of the time her hair covered up the "no," so that hardly counts.

There seems to be a changing mood, even in the music industry. People are "argued" out.

They want to hear Norah Jones. 

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>NORABUMP-3
Time: 53s
Title: NORABUMP-3
Out-cue: ]

They want to be mellow. They want to think positive the way Richard Perle does.

Richard Perle, the urbane, well-spoken Chairman of the Defense Policy Board, reassured us on Meet The Press that there's no need to be so negative about this.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>perle1A
Time: 15s
Title: Richard Perle, Chmn Defense Policy Board
In-cue: Meet the Press 2/24/03
Out-cue: ]

You have to let go of the negativity. You have to trust. We will free oppressed people, we will finally uncover the nasty weapons ... the word "oil" is never uttered ... and with the right sound track goin' through your head, the only question you have is didn't we do this sooner? 

Remember, the only possible down side... is if they're wrong.

Now this.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>CBS022403
Time: 97s
Out-cue: ] 
Index 

CBS READY
Moved: 2/21/2003 8:41
CBS-READY 2/21/2003

In case of nuclear blast, consult your health care provider. This is DR...

The Department of Homeland security has unveiled Ready.Gov, a web site designed prepare Americans for terrorist attack.

One of the pages is headlined "Be Informed of Nuclear Blast," and the last line on the page is (QUOTE) "Plan to speak with your health care provider in advance about what makes sense for your family." (QUOTE) 

So I called a health care provider -- Dr. Patrick Donovan at a nearby health clinic here in Seattle.

Could we discuss what would make sense for my family in the event of nuclear attack:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>donovan1
Time: 9s
Title: donovan1
Out-cue: ]

I found that answer to be strangely unsatisfying. But he says the government has left him in the dark:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>donovan2
Time: 16s
Title: donovan2
Out-cue: ]

Well you can't do everything. The site is very good, however, about describing what a nuclear blast is. I quote. "A nuclear blast is an explosion with intense light and heat, a damaging pressure wave, and widespread radioactive material that can contaminate the air, water, and ground surfaces for miles around..." (UNQUOTE)

For some reason that description is missing the phrase "and they kill lots of people." But I guess that's because we will have all consulted our health care providers.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NIGHTCLUB
Moved: 2/21/2003 8:41
CBS-NIGHTCLUB 2/21/2003

Which way to look? This is DR...

Every once in a while, the law of averages slaps us with a reality check.

Cities were paralyzed this week, not by terrorists, but by a snowstorm. The explosion in a gas barge on Staten Island -- an accident, or so we're hearing.

And then, the deadliest incidents of the last week: close to eighty people killed at two nightclubs -- not because of terrorists, but because of lax enforcement of fire codes. The latest incident in Warwick, Rhode Island was actually caught on tape from INSIDE the club by a photographer doing a story on nightclub safety! 

What that says is -- the MEDIA was on watch, but the government was not!

In the coming weeks every local newspaper in America is going to do an investigation into fire codes for nightclubs. And they're going to find that fire departments are understaffed, that there are no requirements for sprinklers, and that both cities and club owners are pleading poverty.

But look at this... we're actually PAYING Turkey 26 billion dollars to let us use their territory! To a fight a a war their population doesn't want us to fight. We'd essentially be paying 26 billion dollars to protect them against their will.

Well, 26 billion for Turkey represents 89 dollars per American. There were 300 Americans in the club. Their portion of the aid going to Turkey -- close to $27,000. You think that could have paid for a decent inspection?

The excuse is always "you can't guarantee everybody's safety because there just isn't enough money."

The only trouble with that statement is that clearly -- there is PLENTY of money. It's just not being spent here.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PRESIDENTIAL TIME
Moved: 2/20/2003 8:57
CBS-PRESIDENTIAL TIME 2/20/2003

Weeks, not months. This is DR...

A President must say what he means and mean what he says, especially when he's making a threat. And we are now approaching a special deadline.

The President has said repeatedly that disarming Iraq would be a matter of weeks not months. And he seems to have been saying this for several weeks.

So how many weeks can it go on before we're getting into months?

This is the question I set out to answer by checking official white house transcripts for the occurrence of this phrase, "weeks not months."

It has come up in two distinct circumstances.

The first was September 12, in the President's speech to the UN, when he called for passing a resolution to disarm Iraq in "weeks not months."

When the resolution was finally passed on November 8th, press secretary Ari Fleischer remarked that it had indeed taken "weeks not months." And he was right. It took one month, three weeks and six days -- in other words, it passed before the word month went from singular to plural.

So based on that, the phrase "weeks, not months" means anything short of two months.

Now in terms of actually disarming Iraq, the first time the phrase appears in the official White House transcripts is January 30th, during a photo op in the Oval Office, at 12:13 PM. The record shows the President uttered the phrase "a matter of weeks, not months." 
So if we take January 30th as the starting point, and apply the anything under two months rule, Saddam has until... March 29th at 12:13 Eastern time: a little more than five weeks to get his duct tape in a row.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SADDAM'S ARK
Moved: 2/19/2003 12:00
CBS-SADDAM'S ARK 2/19/2003

Saddam's Ark. This is DR...

This could explain where the weapons went: The Independent of London reports that the reason the inspectors can't find the weapons of mass destruction is that they've sailed away.

Quoting "authoritative shipping industry sources" it says three giant cargo ships left port just a few days after the weapons inspectors returned, and have been sailing around the world, in large circles, maintaining radio silence, ever since.

It's Saddam's Ark -- and if it's true, this story would explain why Saddam remains strangely confident.

It also means: three torpedoes and we could all go home.

However, the paper says that British and American intelligence, which have been tracking these ships, are reluctant to stop them for fear they might be scuttled and cause an environmental disaster. Plus, they need the ships intact as the smoking gun that would justify a strike once and for all.

But wait -- if all the weapons are aboard the ships, and we seize the ships, then, what would be the point of a strike?

You see? Every debate about Iraq eventually ends up running in circles.

I just want to know why WE can't be this clever? Saddam is always tricking us. We have to trick him somehow. I don't want to just beat him in battle anymore, I want to beat him at the mind game.

Like, announce that the inspectors are leaving, and then instead they just HIDE. They never quite make it to the airport.

And then those ships... suppose their captain gets an order to change course... to, oh, I don't know, Pyongyang. Where they mysteriously kind of blow up.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS BLANKS MILLIONAIRE
Moved: 2/18/2003 10:34
CBS-MILLIONAIRE 2/18/2003

Fill in the Blanks. This is DR...

The feature where I read a story we've all heard so many times that even ordinary people like you can Fill In The ....BLANKS.

Ready? Here we go. Last night, America watched the stunning finale of ... JOE MILLIONAIRE.

This is about a man whose fortune is ... FAKE, whose story is ... FAKE, and whose name is ... FAKE. Which is why it's called ...REALITY TELEVISION.

Last night the finally chose between ... ZORA, and ... SARAH.

Both of whom were ... VERY SPECIAL

The whole thing was like a ...ROLLER COASTER

He said he had a lot of trouble ... MAKING UP HIS MIND.

Not surprising, since it was taped in ...FRANCE.

But in the end he chose ...ZORA.

And then, he told her ... THE TRUTH.

That he doesn't have ...50 MILLION DOLLARS.

Zora looked like ... SHE WAS GOING TO THROW UP.

Because she's a ... GOOD GIRL.

And she doesn't appreciate ...LIES.

Especially about ... 50 MILLION DOLLARS.

But -- after thinking about it overnight, she decided that even though he made her look like... AN IDIOT, in front of ...26 MILLION PEOPLE, she would ... FORGIVE HIM.

Because he is ... VERY SPECIAL.

And because, she said, the 50 million actually ... TURNED-HER-OFF! To which one can only say... YEAH, RIGHT.

And indeed when the butler surprised the couple with a a check for one million dollars, Zora accepted it in about ... ONE NANOSECOND. 

That was supposed to be the... SHOCKING TWIST.

But that wasn't the ... SHOCKING TWIST.

The shocking twist was that they managed to ... DRAG IT OUT FOR TWO HOURS.

Now that's ... TWISTED.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ACCOUNTABILITY
Moved: 2/14/2003 9:02
CBS-ACCOUNTABILITY 2/14/2003

Iraq COULD have cooperated long ago, and didn't. This is DR...

The bottom line from Hans Blix is that if Iraq had wanted to cooperate, it could have done so long ago. 

So... it's all over but the shouting, which is scheduled for tomorrow: pro-war demonstrations; anti-war demonstrations; plus no doubt a few signs about hemp.

But this much, I think, Americans can agree on: after the victory, there had better by golly be some hidden weapons to find.

When we all finally emerge from our sealed rooms, gasping for air, we had better see more than just happy Iraqis on TV.

We'd better see pictures of troops busting open the bunker doors and finding the nerve gas, and the anthrax, and the mobile death labs.

Because it's bad enough the inspectors couldn't find the stuff. But if we can't find the stuff either, then that would mean one of two things -- Saddam was telling the truth, OR that the terrorists have already got it, which means the war didn't make us any safer.

But we WILL find the stuff, because after the war we can safely turn ALL our intelligence over to the inspectors, who can then swarm all over a liberated Iraq, showing a doubting world how right we were.

I can't wait to see the expressions of the Germans, and ESPECIALLY the French when we tell them, "Thanks for nothing! NO OIL FOR YOU!" What a moment that will be. 

Man, Saddam had better not be telling the truth.

That would be just like him, though, wouldn't it? Set himself up as a liar, and make you believe he's a liar, get you to go to war BECAUSE he's a liar, and then slip the truth in.

Oh, that would be low. I don't want to think about it. Now this. 
Index 

CBS GAS PRICES 2
Moved: 2/14/2003 9:02
CBS-GAS PRICES 2 2/14/2003

Two dollars a gallon. This is DR...

Gas is going up again, and everyone is crying PRICE GOUGING! Greedy oil companies getting rich again!

Cry all you want, the oil companies are only doing what we asked them to do. 

We have consistently demanded that we remain dependent on middle eastern oil.

Last year in the Senate Democrats AND Republicans killed a bill that would have forced cars to average of 36 miles a gallon by 2015.

That would, coincidentally, let us stop importing oil from the Persian gulf.

But business didn't like it, and unions didn't like it.

Then-majority leader Trent Lott got up and said if 36 mpg was the law, Americans would have to drive around in little two seat bubblecars. He said it was an attempt to legislate physics.

Nobody was outraged at the comment - except me. I drive one of those bubblecars -- and I can get FORTY-SIX miles a gallon.

But let's face it -- the will of the people is not 46 miles a gallon, or 36 miles a gallon. It isn't even 26 miles a gallon.

The will of the people, based on the popularity of vehicles weighing 7000 pounds or more is about 11 miles a gallon.

The other thing to tell yourself as gas prices go up is that even at $2, GAS IS A BARGAIN. In fact, GAS IS A STEAL.

By one accounting, the Department of Defense spends between 55 and 96 BILLION dollars a year defending the world's oil supplies, and not a dime of that is included in the price at the pump.

If the price of gas included the cost of this protection, it would easily DOUBLE.

So if you don't like paying two dollars a gallon. here's my advice. Buy it by the quart.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WAR AND PEACE
Moved: 2/14/2003 6:38
CBS-WAR AND PEACE 2/11/2003

Welcome to the chaos. This DR...

The Oscar nominations were announced today -- beginning the annual ritual that pretty much dictates which movies you have to see, because otherwise, you'll have nothing interesting to talk about.

And the end result will be that one of these movies will be crowned "The Best."

And everybody will accept it. Because there's been a process. And it's been monitored by accountants.

In contrast, the process of choosing between War and Peace has collapsed in utter confusion.

We don't know who to believe, and we don't even know who's on our side anymore.

Britain is supposed to be our friend, yet, a new poll asking the British who's the bigger bully has the US winning out over Iraq and North Korea.

Then there's NATO: fellow NATO members France, Germany, and Belgium are actually trying to STOP the war plans!

And they're coming up with their own peace plans for Iraq! As if THEY were superpowers or something. Oh for the Cold War! Back then no matter what WE did, the Soviet union was always much worse.

Then on the intelligence front, a new audio tape has appeared from Osama bin Laden, which we're told shows once and for all the connection between al Qaeda and Iraq. It's chaos! 

Plus, you have the Department of Homeland Security is now telling us that Code Orange means having plastic sheeting and duct tape handy so you can seal off a safe room in the event of chemical attack.

Because you may be on your own for up to two days; because the roads will be clogged, presumably with people who didn't buy their duct tape.

Well -- least we'll know what movies to watch while we're waiting.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DUCT TAPE
Moved: 2/13/2003 8:42
CBS-DUCT TAPE 2/13/2003

So that's the plan, eh? This is DR...

Here's the image being beamed around the world: pictures from Baghdad showing Iraqis flocking to the marketplace to celebrate the end of the Hajj, and Americans flocking to the marketplace to buy duct tape.

The picture in the New York Times this morning shows a toddler sitting in a shopping cart loaded not only with duct tape and plastic -- but RUBBER GLOVES. We have to get rubber gloves too?

In a way it's refreshing -- seeing the government suddenly worried about air quality -- yet, at the same time, it's also humiliating.

I remember the bomb shelters from the cold war. They were sturdy underground rooms, often in the basements of mighty buildings, protected by serious steel doors. They proclaimed defiance, not retreat. But most significant, they were there to protect us from a competing SUPERPOWER, not a fanatic with a crop duster. 

I understand why a mom would buy duct tape for her child. Anybody with a TV has to be at least a little traumatized by now -- hearing the Secretary of State read bin Laden's latest threats, the FBI warning of an imminent attack, the CIA warning of retaliation if we go to war. 

But then, with everyone paying attention and wondering "what do we do," the answer is... put yourself in a baggie! A defense budget approaching $400 billion, and the plan is -- a duct-tape baggie. This is humiliating. We're Americans! When do we get to use our guns?

The only thing I want to do with the Duct Tape is walk up to certain public officials, and put it over their mouths.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQ UPDATE
Moved: 2/12/2003 8:38
CBS-IRAQ UPDATE 2/12/2003

How did we get here? This is DR...

Sometimes you have to step back and ask -- how did we get here.

How did we get from an attack on America a year and a half ago to the possible break-up of NATO??

And how did we get from a hatred of terrorists, to a hatred of France?

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS-051 IRAQ NATO
Time: 5s
Title: CBS-051 IRAQ NATO
Out-cue: to surrender]

Republican Congressman Peter King of New York... and we thought the French were rude to us BEFORE...

In the meantime, remember Afghanistan? The war we won? The CIA director says the terrorists are regrouping:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>tenet1
Time: 12s
Title: tenet1
Out-cue: ]

All the more reason for the world to rally around us. But what is Europe thinking:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS-049 IRAQ NATO
Time: 16s
Title: CBS-049 IRAQ NATO
Out-cue: than Iraq]

It's like a nightmare where you walk into a roomful of friends and nobody recognizes you. I just want to grab the world by the lapels and say -- hey! Remember us? Your friends? Saved the world from Communism? The people who pay 396 billion dollars a year for a military so you don't have to?

I think we've been dropping leaflets on the wrong people.

Now this... 
Index 

CBS ORANGES
Moved: 2/11/2003 8:51
CBS-ORANGES 2/10/2003

This is DR...

Once upon a time, people sang the blues. But not anymore.

Turned on the radio; the news it brought me down

They said the evil doers, might be coming to my town.

They said to keep your eyes peeled; watch your back

Fromnowonnomatterwhathappens, you can blame it on Iraq

Oh, baby I'm scared of everything foreign

I got the... Oranges.

Once upon a time when you listened to the news

The worst thing that could happen was you came down with the blues, 

But now blue is GOOD. It's even better than GREEN.

(They done) redefined the rainbow and you best know what it means

When you're scared of anything foreign... you got the Oranges.

Stay close to your backpacks, and carry your IDs

 Charge up your cell phone; andreporteverythingyousee

Unless it's a sleeper cell phone. Then we be reporting you

(We know) whatyoucheckedoutofthelibrary, 

(We can) see... what's in your shoe...

'Cause we got to watch out for anything foreign

When we got the oranges.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>ORANGECBS
Time: 82s
Out-cue: ]

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ORANGES
Moved: 2/10/2003 8:48
CBS-ORANGES 2/10/2003

This is DR...

Once upon a time, people sang the blues. But not anymore.

Turned on the radio; the news it brought me down

They said the evil doers, might be coming to my town.

They said to keep your eyes peeled; watch your back

Fromnowonnomatterwhathappens, you can blame it on Iraq

Oh, baby I'm scared of everything foreign

I got the... Oranges.

Once upon a time when you listened to the news

The worst thing that could happen was you came down with the blues, 

But now blue is GOOD. It's even better than GREEN.

(They done) redefined the rainbow and you best know what it means

When you're scared of anything foreign... you got the Oranges.

Stay close to your backpacks, and carry your IDs

 Charge up your cell phone; andreporteverythingyousee

Unless it's a sleeper cell phone. Then we be reporting you

(We know) whatyoucheckedoutofthelibrary, 

(We can) see... what's in your shoe...

'Cause we got to watch out for anything foreign

When we got the oranges.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>ORANGECBS
Time: 82s
Out-cue: ]

Now this. 
Index 

CBS EVIDENCE
Moved: 2/5/2003 8:56
CBS-EVIDENCE 2/5/2003

The smoking phone call. This is DR...

Well that was pretty indiscreet of the Republican Guard, wasn't it? To place a call on an unscrambled phone line saying, (QUOTE) "Remove the expression 'Nerve agents' whenever it comes up in the wireless instructions."

That's what this Captain Ibrahim said: "Remove the expression 'Nerve agents' whenever it comes up in the wireless instructions." 

"Consider it done sir," said the colonel.

The last thing they wanted was for the US to pick up a wireless transmission with the phrase "Nerve Agents" in it. Not realizing that we could tap the wired phones too.

Very naughty, Captain Ibrahim.

And then the pictures of a chemical weapons bunker. In active operation one day -- but mothballed just in time for the inspectors.

It's a circumstantial case; it's built around what's NOT there; and you could poke holes in it. To most of us, those satellite maps might as well be North Dakota.

You could argue that in the age of special effects, anything is possible.

You can still ask: How can the lack of a smoking gun BE the smoking gun.

Or, how can we believe it's not about the oil, when Condoleeza Rice has an oil tanker named after her.

Or, where's the connection to al Qaeda?

But whether you believe the evidence or not -- it comes from Colin Powell, the longest administration holdout; the man who insisted on going through the United Nations.

So the choice becomes, who gets the benefit of the doubt -- Colin Powell, or Saddam Hussein? 

Do you believe the reluctant Secretary of State, or the tyrant in the fedora who fires rifle shots from his balcony?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SHUTTLE 2
Moved: 2/4/2003 12:01
CBS-SHUTTLE-2 2/4/2003

Tale of two investigations. This is DR...

Here's the latest coverage of the shuttle story: Dateline Houston -- NASA has acknowledged that its best and brightest minds may have gotten it wrong when they concluded that there was no serious damage from a chunk of insulation that hit the left wing of the shuttle during liftoff.

You know what's significant about that statement? That we're hearing it all.

Only three days since the disaster, and Shuttle Program Manager Ron Dittemore has already disclosed what could be "smoking-gun video," is holding daily press briefings, and is taking full responsibility -- even publicly second-guessing his OWN conclusion that the spacecraft was safe.

NASA is apparently going to let the evidence dictate its conclusions, regardless of the personal consequences to those who made the critical decisions.

Meantime, in a completely unrelated story, Colin Powell will be at the United Nations tomorrow presenting the evidence that Iraq is a terrorist threat. He'll have satellite photographs and transcripts of overheard Iraqi conversations.

But that evidence has been kept secret, it is being presented reluctantly, and it is being presented after the conclusion has already been reached.

An interesting contrast: here you have two government agencies, both determined to prevent a future tragedy, and both trying to establish credibility. One of them says -- evidence first, conclusions later.

The other says -- conclusions first, evidence later.

Which approach is more likely to arrive at the correct answer?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SHUTTLE MON
Moved: 2/3/2003 8:42
CBS-SHUTTLE 2/3/2003

Cut it or keep it. This is DR...

Milt Heflin, the Shuttle's Chief Flight Director, put it pretty well a few hours after the accident.

"When we have a bad day," he said, "we go fix it". 

That's NASA's approach. In the news media, when there's a bad day, we go searching for I-told-you-so's.

The warnings that went unheeded: warnings about the age of the shuttle fleet, about the tiles, the budget cuts...

Well, there are so many studies and articles about the shuttle program that no matter WHAT goes wrong, you can go back and find somebody who predicted it. There were reports predicting 9/11, there were reports predicting Oakland would lose -- there are reports predicting everything.

Or, the other angle -- that this points out the folly of sending people into space: it's too dangerous; we should be sending robots instead.

But robots don't inspire people. Astronauts DO. They are role models who are really really smart and really really brave. They're the inspiration for the kids who DON'T care about football. 

No, the main problem with the space program is: it doesn't get ratings.

Going into space on top of a bomb and coming back in a fireball ... is considered dull.

Now, twenty women competing to get a gussied-up construction worker into bed -- THAT'S interesting. That's called REALITY TV. But seven people who fly a bomb into space and come back in a fireball -- no big deal!

Well, there's plenty of stuff in America that panders to the idiot in us; a program that spends a few billion to pander to the genius in us? You don't just throw that out. "You go fix it."

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS SPEECH
Moved: 2/3/2003 8:39
CBS-SPEECH 1/29/2003

A tough act to follow. This is DR...

You can talk all you want about tax cuts, and prescription drugs, and hydrogen cars, but nothing stirs the soul like a battle between good and evil:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bushspeech1
Time: 15s
Out-cue: ]...our friends and allies."

We know what that means, don't we. It means Superman has pushed away the Kryptonite. And when he finds the crooks he doesn't ask the UN how to handle them:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bushspeech4short
Time: 6s
Title: bushspeech4short
Out-cue: ]

We've heard endless discussions about evidence. Well, sorting out the evidence is hard. But knowing who to root for in a battle between good and evil -- we can ALL handle that. Because we have a villain utterly beyond redemption:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bushspeech8short
Time: 15s
Out-cue: ]

And we have a hero utterly beyond reproach:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bushspeech11short
Time: 20s
Out-cue: ]

And having God on our side... doesn't hurt either. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MANDELA
Moved: 2/1/2003 12:47
CBS-MANDELA 1/31/2003

Do the critics know what they're doing? This is DR...

Talking about the prospect of going to war without UN support, Senator Joseph Biden said it makes the United States seem like (QUOTE) "a bunch of cowboys."

You also have a bishop of the President's own United Methodist Church saying a war runs counter to the teachings of Jesus.

And Laura Bush had to cancel her poetry symposium because, the poets conspired to flood it with anti-war poems.

But the most stinging criticism of all came from Nelson Mandela, former President of South Africa.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>mandela1
Time: 4s
Title: mandela1
Out-cue: the United Nations]

But he didn't stop there. He made it personal:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>mandela2
Time: 14s
Title: mandela2
Out-cue: ]

I think ... he just called our President an idiot. Now that's a little over he top, isn't it? Just because Nelson Mandela ended apartheid, he gets to call our President an idiot? OK, so he saved his country from civil war, and won the Nobel Peace Prize. Did he ever run a baseball team? No!

But never mind all that; here's the problem: If you really think the President is a hothead who can't think straight, what do you accomplish by ridiculing him? Will it make him want to back down and say, "you're right -- I'm an idiot -- this war was a bad idea"?

No! If anything, he's just going to try all the more to prove you wrong. So cool it! This is getting scary.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS HYDROGEN
Moved: 1/30/2003 8:58
CBS-HYDROGEN 1/30/2003

The freedom car. This is DR...

Let's take a moment to focus on one of the more encouraging developments in the news -- specifically, the President's announcement that he would spend 1.5 billion dollars over the next five years to develop the freedom car -- a car that runs not on gas, but on hydrogen.

Gordon Kyle of BMW says his company already has a working prototype.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>hydrogen6
Time: 8s
Title: hydrogen6
Out-cue: ] 
Hydro 6

Now the only problem is: where to get the hydrogen?

Not to worry, Mr Kyle told me -- you can use solar cells:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>hydrogen1
Time: 12s
Title: hydrogen1
Out-cue: ]

Wait a second wait a second ... California's OK, but what else did he say? 

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>hydrogen2
Time: 0s
Title: hydrogen2
Out-cue: ]

Dubai -- that's what I thought he said. OK. Dubai is a nice, sunny place I'm sure, but it also happens to be on the Persian Gulf.

Don't tell me that the solar cells needed to create the energy for the Hydrogen cars, the cars that are going to make us free of Middle Eastern oil, are going to be set up in some country on the Persian Gulf!

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>hydrogen5
Time: 2s
Title: hydrogen5
Out-cue: thank goodness for that]

OK. So we wouldn't necessarily need Dubai or anybody else.

Man, that was close. It's bad enough to be dependent on nations which can blow up your oil. 

But you SURE don't want to be dependent on a nation that could just throw a tarp over your solar cells.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS EVIDENCE
Moved: 1/28/2003 10:00
CBS-EVIDENCE 1/28/03

Evidence to the rescue.... This is DR.

Tonight the President will accuse Saddam Hussein of training al Qaeda terrorists to use chemical weapons. And next week, Secretary of State Powell plans to unveil (QUOTE) "broad evidence" that Iraq has indeed been holding out on us.

The anti-war people will say the last-minute evidence smacks of convenience, the pro-war people will say I told you so.... and the rest of us? I think we'll just be thankful that we finally have SOMETHING to work with.

The way I read the polls, the insecurity that so many Americans feel right now has nothing to do with their personal safety, but instead is about whether they can tell themselves that their country is right.

Because most of us don't define ourselves as pro-war or anti-war -- we define ourselves as Americans. And because we define ourselves as Americans, we care what that word means.

The Bush Administration is not just preparing for war, it is also preparing a definition of the word "American" that's going to stick for a long time.

For example, this talk about a campaign of "shock and awe" -- firing 800 bombs at Baghdad -- maybe that's just talk, to keep the pressure on.

But if he really does it -- then that's how America will be defined.

We grew up believing that America was special -- not because we win wars; evil countries have won wars -- but special because we taught the world that an individual's right to live his life trumps everything else.

When you're an American, it's not enough to win. You want to win... AND BE RIGHT.

We're happy to bomb the hell out of somebody, as long as we're right!

A few satellite photos -- just to humor us.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS INSPECTORS REPORT
Moved: 1/27/2003 8:48
CBS-INSPECTORS REPORT 1/27/2003

Now what. This is DR...

The 60 days have passed. The weapons inspectors have reported, and the only thing we know now that we didn't know 60 days ago... is that the Oakland defense was overrated.

What can you believe anymore. We were told there were lots of hidden weapons, and that's what makes Iraq dangerous. Now that no one's been able to find those hidden weapons, we're told it makes Iraq even more dangerous.

War is a last resort, but you have to prove you're willing to USE your last resort, in order NOT to use your last resort

We have the proof, but we can't reveal the proof because revealing the proof would compromise our sources, and we will need those sources for the war -- a war which we are about to fight over the lack of proof.

Chief Inspector Hans Blix said today it was IRAQ's job to provide that proof, which it has not, but maybe with more inspectors, they'll change their mind, even though they've had 12 years.

As for those of us trying to figure out who's right -- the latest poll shows 48% think the President has NOT made a convincing case, but 49% say he has.

47% say they trust the Bush Administration, but another 47% trust the UN.

76% say the Weapons inspectors have been doing a good job, but 81% say Iraq is not complying.

That's where we are after sixty days... dizzy.

I think we're all trying very hard, but ater a while, people get tired of trying to figure it all out.

They want a decision -- ANY decision. Which is why the nation that brought you a Superbowl commercial featuring a clown drinking beer through his butt, is about to kick some.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ABORTION*SAT
Moved: 1/24/2003 8:37
CBS-ABORTION 1/25/2003

Common ground. This is DR...

For years, politicians have desperate to find some common ground in the abortion debate. 

And maybe it's happening. Because as I was listening to the speeches at this year's pro-life rally in Washington, I heard something more than just another pro-life rally:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>unborn1
Time: 9s
Title: unborn1
Out-cue: ]

Do you hear it? Every human life is precious. And listen to this:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>unborn3
Time: 5s
Title: unborn3
Out-cue: ]

When you march in support of life you march with God himself. And this statement:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>unborn4
Time: 8s
Title: unborn4
In-cue: Faith without works is dead
Out-cue: ]

In other words, in the support of innocent life, a person of faith cannot just stand on the sidelines.

It reminded me of a DIFFERENT march in the same place, just four days earlier -- when people carried signs that said "No Iraq War," and warned about the deaths of the innocent, and made statements not too different from this:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>unborn5
Time: 5s
Title: unborn5
In-cue: If a govt does not protect life
Out-cue: doing its job]

Is there any difference between the moral underpinnings of the pro-life movement, and the anti-war movement?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>unborn2
Time: 11s
Title: unborn2
Out-cue: ]

Maybe there IS common ground.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BLANKS IRAQ2
Moved: 1/24/2003 8:37
CBS-BLANKS-IRAQ2

Fill in the Blanks. This is DR...

Fill In The Blanks, where I see how closely you've all been paying attention to the news by asking you to Fill In The ... BLANKS.

Dateline WASHINGTON: At this point it appears that our allies in the war against Iraq will not include ... FRANCE, or... GERMANY, or ... RUSSIA.

Instead, they will include ...GREAT BRITAIN, and... AUSTRALIA, and, most important... CAMEROON.

That's right.

This development prompted more blunt talk from President Bush's Secretary of Blunt Talk... DONALD RUMSFELD.

The nononsense secretary, who last week insulted military draftees, decided it was time to take the next step, and insult ...THE FRENCH.

And so, during an interview, the defense secretary described France as being part of ...OLD EUROPE.

This outraged the French, who responded that America was a ...PRETENTIOUS LITTLE NATION, whose foreign policy was ... RATHER FRUITY, with an aftertaste that was distinctly... NUTTY.

Some French officials are seriously considering ... TAKING BACK THE STATUE OF LIBERTY. Provided John Ashcroft doesn't ... GET IT FIRST.

Although, as far as Secretary Rumsfeld is concerned, it's just another ...OLD STATUE.

But no one cares what France thinks because remember, our side still has... CAMEROON. Which the President considers to be ...HIS FAVORITE TYPE OF COOKIE.

In the meantime, despite some slippage in the latest polls, most Americans would be willing to support the war, provided that it is ...QUICK, that it is... SUCCESSFUL, and that it... DOESN'T PRE-EMPT 'AMERICAN IDOL.'

Very good. Now this. 
Index 

CBS McDONALDS
Moved: 1/23/2003 8:44
CBS-McDONALDS 1/23/2003

And now -- McDonald's. This is DR...

It's finally happened. McDonald's LOST money last quarter. First quarterly loss ever. 
And the company doesn't seem to know what to do about it. They's changed the menu, changed the advertising -- even cut prices with the new dollar menu -- but not even THAT is working.

Why? Why is this American institution on the ropes? I'll tell you why:
I think people are finally full.
More and more, I look at someone coming out of a McDonald's and I say to myself, "that person has eaten about all he can hold."
That's it.
People are full. They can't hold anymore.

McDonald's DID get some good news -- the lawsuit claiming its food was to blame for obesity in children -- the judge threw it out. But did you see the REASON the judge threw it out?

Here's his quote: "Legal consequences should not attach to the consumption of fast food fare unless consumers are unaware of the dangers of eating such food."

He continued: "If consumers know the potential ill health effect... they cannot blame McDonald's if they, nonetheless, choose to satiate their appetite with a surfeit of supersized McDonald's products."

In other words, only a moron doesn't know that the fries will make you fat.

And even though the suit was tossed, everybody now knows that one of the plaintiffs was a 15 year old who says eating at McDonald's is why he weighs 400 pounds.

You see, McDonald's problem isn't Wendy's or Burger King, because it's not in competition with them -- McDonald's is in competition with its OWN food! Which a lot of its customers are still carrying around.

We're becoming a nation of walking doggy bags.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DECLARATION of WAR
Moved: 1/22/2003 9:21
CBS-DECLARATION of WAR 1/22/2003

I think it just became official. This is DR...

Yes, America, I think we have our declaration of war.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bushmovie
Time: 8s
Title: bushmovie
Out-cue: ]

It's not PRECISELY as the Constitution envisions it... I believe the Founders meant for CONGRESS to decide when the movie gets boring... but at least there's no ambiguity.

And to back it up, the White House issued a 32-page report called Apparatus of Lies.

The report does NOT include the coordinates of the hidden weapons or any mention of Osama bin Laden. But it lays out how Saddam has for years been duping the media by planting stories designed to make America look bad.

Now, in a completely separate development ... you may recall last week I played a sound bite from Scott Ritter, former UN weapons inspector turned dissenter: 

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>ritter5
Time: 8s
Title: ritter5 (shortened ritter 2)
In-cue: I believe
Out-cue: Bush Administration]

Ooo -- not so nice. Spreading bad karma. And today, sure enough, there's a not-so-nice story about Scott Ritter. A TV station and two newspapers are reporting that in 2001, Ritter was arrested in an Internet sting for allegedly seeking to meet a 16 year old girl who turned out to be a cop. Charges were dropped, but here it is almost two years later, and this story pops up in the media.

Coincidence? Probably. I would just remind dissenters that in times like these, bad karma can have consequences.

Now this... 
Index 

CBS CASE FOR WAR
Moved: 1/21/2003 8:43
CBS-CASE FOR WAR 1/21/2003

The case for war. This DR...

Has the Administration made the case for war or not? Here we are a week from the inspectors first big report, and no smoking gun -- only empty shells.

Despite all the talk about "secret evidence," there appears to be no secret evidence, which means that the case for war will be based on descriptive phrases.

We can all recite those phrases by now; we know them by heart. Saddam is a liar who has gassed his own people; an uncooperative despot who continues to pursue weapons of mass destruction and has thumbed his nose at the world community.

That is barely enough to convince the British; and certainly not enough to convince the French, who think a war will only make the world MORE dangerous.

But I'll go out on a limb here. I think most Americans still back the President. I think they're prepared for a war. I think they know that as countries go, America is NOT the bad guy; that if there has to be a superpower in the world, its better that WE'RE it.

But I'm also going to guess here that Americans are only ready for a particular kind of war.

The short kind.

The REALLY short kind.

The kind that's more like a SWAT team assault.

Because for all the talk about "time running out" -- they're not really scared of Iraq. 

They're scared of stuff like ... retirement. Or if you live in San Diego, Raiders fans.

The President has made an excellent case... for a short war. But if it drags on, he will end up making a very different case, one that no American President can afford to make. That the French were right.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GOLDEN GLOBES
Moved: 1/20/2003 8:42
CBS-GOLDEN GLOBES 1/20/2003

Mixed signals. This is DR...

The European line on America's position in the world is that we're the bullies -- isn't that what you keep hearing? We're the cultural imperialists imposing violence, greed, and hamburgers on the rest of the world.

And, hey, I'm prepared to believe that. We can certainly be a pushy bunch, we Americans. 

But if that's true; if the rest of the world hates American culture because it's such a NEGATIVE influence, then how do you explain the Golden Globe Awards?

You know who picks the Golden Globes, right? The Hollywood Foreign Press Association -- that means reporters from OTHER countries.

SO let's look at what they liked. Best American musical comedy in the eyes of the foreign press? Chicago.

Great film -- who knew that Richard Gere could tap-dance like that.

But cut through all the music and the confetti and what is "Chicago" about?

Is it about how wonderful America's Windy City was back in the 20's? Is it about how wonderful the American legal system was? No. It's about a corrupt woman, a corrupt press, and a corrupt justice system whose only redeeming quality is that the tap-dancing defense lawyer can actually tap dance.

And look what else the foreign press liked: "The Hours," "The Gangs of New York," and "About Schmidt."

Do they reward America for giving the world "My Big Fat Greek Wedding?" No. They reward films about a suicidal writer, violent immigrant street gangs, and Kathy Bates and Jack Nicholson nude in a hot tub.

So of course we're going to vote against their silly climate treaties. We wouldn't want to disappoint them!

Now this... 
Index 

CBS RESUME 2 SAT
Moved: 1/17/2003 8:45
CBS-RESUME-2 1/16/2003

Who gets the points? This is DR...

Earlier this week there was news of a study of racism in which professors sent out resumes similar in every respect EXCEPT the names. Half went out with white-sounding names like Greg and Emily, half went out with black-sounding names like Tyrone and Aisha.

When they tallied the returns, they found employers were 50% more likely to respond to the white-sounding names.

But there was ANOTHER part of the study as well.

I talked with MIT economics professor Sendhil Mullainathan, a co-author of the study, who said he actually sent FOUR resumes to each employer -- to test whether resumes with more experience could overcome any stigma attached to the name.

The result? More experience DID help the white names, but not the BLACK names.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>sendhil1
Time: 4s
Title: sendhil1
In-cue: The extra qualifications
Out-cue: didn't help at all]

Didn't help at all! His theory on why?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>sendhil2
Time: 6s
Title: sendhil2
Out-cue: really never make it to that stage]

So according to THIS study, anyway, the idea that improving your skills can overcome racism is bogus.

You can certainly challenge this: maybe it's about class, not race. Maybe they should test names like BUBBA and GOMER. Maybe life is just plain unfair.

But I do notice this. No one seems at all surprised that, in the contest to gain admission to the US economy, employers would DEDUCT points from minorities based on race. No. It's when you AWARD points to minorities based on race that people get upset.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS SUV TAXES
Moved: 1/17/2003 8:45
CBS-SUV TAXES 1/17/2003

Affirmative Action lives! This is DR.

The SUV-bashing in this country has really gone too far. First the environmentalists, then the clergy with their What Would Jesus Drive campaign, then Ariana Huffington claiming SUV's support terrorism.

And that, I guess, is why the IRS has an affirmative action program for these stigmatized vehicles.

You see, in the 80's, on orders from Congress, the IRS cracked down deductions for all vehicles. But it exempted from the rules vehicles with a gross weight of 6000 pounds or more. The idea was to to protect truckers and farmers. Well now, by some quirk of fate, SUVs like the Hummer and the Tahoe -- have started exceeding 6000 pounds, thereby qualifying for a business deduction.

So by driving clients around in a Hummer, you can cut your income tax by about $15,000! Affirmative Action may on the ropes at universities, but not on the SUV lots!

But Dave, you say -- this is only going to add to the growing federal deficit.

Well the SUV deductions DID cost the federal treasury a little under a billion dollars last year.

But the government has found a way to make it up!

According to USA Today, the Administration is considering an audit of the National School Lunch Program, due to a study which found that as many as one in five children getting their fruit salad FREE may not be sufficiently poor to deserve it.

-- Estimated savings if they can find these children and make them pay -- about one billion dollars.

More than enough to offset the SUV deductions.

Problem solved! THIS, my friends, is why other countries fear us.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQ UPDATE
Moved: 1/16/2003 8:50
CBS-IRAQ-UPDATE 1/16/2003

The game is not Hide and Seek. The game is Truth or Consequences. This is DR...

Progress in the weapons inspections! Inspectors surrounded the home of an Iraqi scientist and checked out a suspicious mound outside Baghdad.

Meantime, defense secretary Rumsfeld found himself explaining yet again that this is not supposed to be Hide and Seek: it's not up to the inspectors to seek the weapons Iraq has hidden. It's supposed to be Truth or Consequences. Iraq has to tell the truth, or suffer the consequences.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>rumsfeld2
Time: 13s
Title: rumsfeld2
In-cue: 1/15/2003 explaining Iraq
Out-cue: ]

The lack of evidence ... IS the evidence! 

And as for the accusation that the President has yet to make the case for war, he agrees:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>rumsfeld4
Time: 6s
Title: 1/15/2003 Of COURSE the President hasn't made a case 
Out-cue: fair comment]

OK. So to summarize, the lack of evidence may in fact BE the evidence, however, even though there is AMPLE evidence OF the lack of evidence, the President has not made a case for war ... and in fact, is NOT making that case ON PURPOSE, because even though he continues to dispatch soldiers, he has not yet decided to go to war.

At times like this we must tell ourselves, no matter what we see or hear, that we are the ones on the side of the angels. 

But ... it would sure be nice if they found something under that mound, wouldn't it?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS RACE RESUMES
Moved: 1/15/2003 8:43
CBS-RACE 1/15/2003

Finally, a study we can use. This is DR...

I thought that new study of resumes by the University of Chicago was the most useful study in a long time. Usually the studies you hear about involve how fat we all are, and how nothing short of vigorous exercise will help -- like we're gonna do that!

But this NEW study has something of value.

Professors at the University of Chicago and MIT first analyzed birth certificates to come up with the most common names for white people, and the most common names for black people. They then started responding to job ads in the Boston Globe and the Chicago Tribune. In all, they sent out 5,000 resumes listing similar qualifications -- the main difference being that on some of the resumes, they gave the applicants names like Neil, Brett, Emily, Anne, Jill, and Greg; and on the others they used names like Tamika, Ebony, Aisha, Rasheed, Kareem, and Tyrone.

BY THE WAY, if you can't tell the white names from the black ones, please apply immediately for a human resources job somewhere. Because what the study found was this: among the applicants with the white names, 1 in 10 received a response to their resume. While among the applicants with the black names, only 1 in 15 received a response. The researchers conclude your chance of getting a response is 50% better if you have a white first name.

Some will see this as proof that there is still racism in America and that therefore we need Affirmative Action. But remember - employers weren't judging based on the color of the PERSON, just the color of the NAME. Suggesting a much simpler, more PERSONAL form of Affirmative Action.

Call Yourself "Greg."

Now this. 
Index 

CBS KOREA 1/13/2003
Moved: 1/13/2003 8:41
CBS-KOREA 1/13/2003

Big bad America. This is DR...

Did you see the pictures of that demonstration in North Korea over the weekend? A million people -- all dressed remarkably alike -- rallying under a portrait of divine strongman Kim Jong-il in a "We Hate America rally." They were even using the term "Holy War."

Holy War? Communists are ATHEISTS aren't they?

But they'll do anything to scare us.

And the amazing thing is that it's working!

The Associated Press quotes a US envoy as saying that the United States is willing to consider energy aid for North Korea if it ends nuclear weapons development.

It amazes me that this little country, with a gross national product roughly comparable to Montana, can shake us down.

It's just as strange that Iraq, with a gross national product a little less than Nebraska, has also scared us enough that we're sending 250,000 soldiers to take care of a guy who fires a rifle from his balcony when he's happy. That's what drunks do here on the Fourth of July! But he scares us.

Well, why can't WE scare anybody? 

America is supposed to be this big bully, right? Always throwing its weight around, dispatching aircraft carriers and killer drones to send spasms of fear into evil dictators. So if we're the bully everybody says we are, how come the only people we seem to scare are students with expired visas? And our own European allies.

I'll tell you why -- because we're not crazy enough, that's why. That's our problem -- you can be the most powerful nation in the world, but unless your leader is at least a little bit crazy, no one's scared of you.

Hmmm. Maybe THAT'S the President's secret strategy.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS RITTER TUES
Moved: 1/13/2003 8:41
CBS-RITTER-TUES 1/13/2003

The President in a box. This is DR...

Scott Ritter, former UN weapons inspector, and former marine, says he's not surprised weapons inspectors haven't found much. He says Iraq is disarmed. And as for the secret intelligence?

RITTER1... alludes to."

Iraq may have hung on to some small stuff -- but the talk of underground weapons factories? An urban legend emanating from the White House:

RITTER2... Bush Administration (2X)."

But he sees the possibility of a deal. Saddam agrees to let in UN HUMAN RIGHTS inspectors, along with real parliamentary elections -- in short a form of regime change -- and in return, he stays in power, and the trade embargo is lifted. 

But does Scott Ritter really think Saddam would do that?

RITTER4

Unless -- he sees more to be gained by going to war against an isolated United States. Now this:

This is DR...

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>ritter1
Time: 15s
Title: ritter1
In-cue: The fact that
Out-cue: president alludes to]

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>ritter2
Time: 15s
Title: ritter2
In-cue: I believe
Out-cue: Bush Administration]

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>ritter4
Time: 14s
Title: Scott Ritter
In-cue: I believe
Out-cue: Something like this] 
Index 

CBS INSPECTORS
Moved: 1/10/2003 8:40
CBS-INSPECTORS 1/9/2003
No smoking gun. This is DR...
Today the UN got a preliminary report from the weapons inspectors. And the report is that they've found nothing. Even though they've acted with all the diplomacy of cops on a drug bust -- nothing.
Now comes the real pressure. The military has spent billions putting the troops in place, the cable networks have spent millions putting the reporters in place -- and something has to give. And it has to give soon for one simple reason. The Iraq story is in great danger of becoming ...BORING.
In fact there are indications it has already jumped the shark. Cable news ratings are way down. Americans aren't tuned into Iraq -- they're tuned into Joe Millionaire, or they're still pinching themselves about the new study saying you should drink regularly.
Footage of old empty factories cannot compete.
But sometimes -- leadership means you dare to be dull.
If the inspections drag on day after day finding nothing, is that so bad? What does it really mean? It means Iraq's weapons remain very well hidden. They may not be destroyed -- but if they are very well hidden, they can't very well be used, can they? Over time they will deteriorate.
Indeed over time, Saddam himself will deteriorate. He'll disappear, we can legitimately call ourselves peacemakers, we won't have to spend the next twenty years listening to those Europeans scolding us for being bullies -- even as they try to make us rename our cheese, or whatever their gripe du jour is -- and best of all, our troops won't have to fight a war over oil:
[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>rumsfeld1
Time: 3s
Out-cue: ]
I know, thank you Mr. Secretary....
Now this. 
Index 

CBS TV ADS
Moved: 1/10/2003 8:39
CBS-TV ADS 1/10/2003

TV without commercials. This is DR...

You can blame me. It's my fault. I'm one of those power-TV viewers who will only watch TV on my TiVo. The reason is time. I can watch Seinfeld reruns in 21 minutes, West Wing in 44.

Because with three quick presses of the Fast Forward button, the magical software blips right past the commercials. The only exception is the Superbowl; when I blip past the game so I SEE the commercials.

But the point is, you have control. If you don't want to watch the commercials, you don't have to.

So -- I paid 300 for the machine, and another 200 for a lifetime subscription to the TiVo service.

-- Only to pick up the New York Times this morning and read about television producer Michael Davies, the man who brought us "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire", and who now plans to outflank the TiVo. His new variety show for the WB Network, billed a hipper version of the Ed Sullivan Show; will be produced -- without commercials.

Without DISTINCT commercials, anyway. The commercials will be stitched into the content. Sponsors could buy ad space on the set, they could buy jokes in a comedy routine, they could buy verses of a song. I can imagine Eminem's guest shot: "I can't stand my wife; she messed up my life; but I've come to accept her; we drink Dr. Pepper."

This is actually the way TV did it in the early days, but it's still very upsetting. Because for a lot of us, the TiVo is the only reason we have any time to watch TV at all. 

Although if the advertising is THAT pervasive, I might just blip past the whole show -- and REALLY save some time.

Now this.

This is DR.... 
Index 

CBS KOREA
Moved: 1/10/2003 8:39
CBS-KOREA 1/10/2003
Are we feeling secure yet? This is DR...
Now North Korea, after admitting it had a nuclear weapons program, and after kicking nuclear weapons inspectors out of the country, says it will withdraw from the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty.
Which means North Korea will asserts its sovereign right to build any darn weapon it wants to.
What's going on here? How can a nation -- even a Communist nation -- just decide to drop out of a legal treaty?
Once again it looks like it will be up to the United States to try to bring some sanity to the world and invoke its moral authority to bring North Korea to its senses.
But as defense analyst Daniel Plesch points out in an article for the BBC today, the United States may have trouble exercising that moral authority.
He points out that North Korea is simply taking a page from the US policy book.
Because we TOO have either dropped out of or opposed several arms control agreements, including:
the Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty; 
the Biological Weapons Convention; 
and the Comprehensive Test Ban Treaty; 
He also points out that when President Bush included North Korea in his axis of evil, the Korean regime probably figured it had nothing to lose by building the one weapon guaranteed to keep the US at bay.
And it even got help from one of our allies in the War on Terrorism... Pakistan.
So there you have it. Is North Korea bluffing? Probably. It is still a very poor country. But this is sure taking all the fun out of being a superpower. For some reason, we're stronger than ever, but we face more threats than ever.
Prompting the curious to ask, just what is that $396 billion dollar defense budget buying?
Now this. 
Index 

CBS ECONOMIC INCENTIVES
Moved: 1/8/2003 9:02
CBS-ECONOMIC INCENTIVES 1/08/2003

Sticking up for the little guy. This is DR...

Democrats are opposing the President's tax cut plan, saying they want to represent the little guy. But if you look at voting patterns, what do you find? 

Exit polls show that of those voters making below 15,000 a year, a substantial majority vote for democrats. Makes sense, because that includes a lot of students. And of those making above 30,000 a year, voters were evenly spilt in the last election.

BUT: of those making between 15 and 30,000 a year -- the working poor, the little guy -- a majority vote Republican.

Now, the Democrats have been sticking up for the little guy for years. Frankly, it's hard to believe the little guy still hasn't gotten the help he needs. 

And yet -- the little guy... doesn't vote Democratic. At some point you have to ask why you should stick up for people who don't want to be stuck up for?

I assure you I do my best to fan the flames of class warfare. Every time a little guy calls up on the air and says he's in favor of a Republican tax cut, I try to point out that the millionaires will get a whole lot more and squander it on prep school blazers. But the little guy won't bite.

He doesn't care. As long as he gets SOMETHING, he really isn't BOTHERED by what the millionaire gets.

And when you think about it, the little guy is right. The reason the rich get the more back is that they put more in. The little guy realizes that the only way HE would get more out would be if HE put more IN.

The little guy will take a lot, but I don't think he'd stand for that.

Now this. This is DR...

Index 

CBS MISSILE
Moved: 1/7/2003 11:59
CBS- MISSILE 01/02/2002
Missile, or pop gun? This is DR...
As we all know, North Korea is building nukes. There is a debate over how to stop them. Do we cut them off economically, and drive them deeper into poverty, or do we try to bribe them with prosperity?
What the President and Congress DO agree on is that we need build a cutting-edge anti-missile system -- so that in case North Korea fires one of those nukes, we can knock it out of the sky.
The missile killer is designed to reassure us that we at least have a fighting chance against this starving dictatorship.
But then I see in the New York Times that an MIT physicist says his own institution has been covering up a crucial fact about this new missile system:
That it doesn't work. Because it can't tell the difference between a real nuke and a decoy.
Dr. Theodore Postol, the man making this charge, was a science adviser for President Reagan, and is also the guy who revealed that the Patriot missiles -- the ones that we were told knocked those scuds out of the sky during the first Gulf War -- in fact missed. He turned out to be right about that, and he thinks he's right about this.
After a string of denials, MIT is finally going to investigate his claim, and here's hoping they find out, because nothing upsets taxpayers more than discovering they spent 60 billion dollars on a firecracker.

Don't you think that flooding North Korea with microwave dinners might be more cost-efficient. A pretty ruthless measure, I know -- introducing the American diet. Probably violates the Geneva convention on weapons of mass obesity. But this is national security we're talking about.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MEDICARE
Moved: 1/7/2003 11:53
CBS-MEDICARE 1/3/2002

Choices, choice choices. This is DR...

We have all these wonderful choices now. We can get ourselves cloned if we want to, the AIRLINES are going to let us choose whether we want to want to pay for their food, and we have an almost unlimited number of democratic presidential candidates to choose from.
Now the President wants to give us another choice.
In order to shore up the Medicare program for the 76 million baby boomers who will soon be using it, he wants to reform it -- by giving Medicare recipients a choice of programs.
There are two things that worry me about this story, number one, seeing the term "Medicare" and "baby boomer" in the same sentence, and number two, seeing the term "reform" and "baby boomer" in the same sentence. It worries me because I get the feeling that my generation is about to get shafted.

See, I am enjoying this kind of "choice" right now. I get a memo each year inviting me to choose from a variety of medical plans each of with its own set of incomprehensible rules and a directory of doctors in strange neighborhoods.

I can cope with this now, because I am mellow. But at some point I plan to be retired and crotchety. I want to be able to sit on the porch, shake my fist at politicians, and be able to say it is sure nice to be retired and crotchety and have the government paying my medical bills.

And that doesn't include calling up toll-free numbers and begging someone named "Tiffany" to pay for my heart medicine!

And another thing: as a crotchety person I plan to vote a lot. 76 million crotchety voters! 

(VOICE) And you weasley politicians better remember that. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MAZZAFAR rev
Moved: 1/7/2003 8:47
CBS-MUZAFFAR 1/7/2003
Never mind. This is DR...
The FBI has called off the search for those five foreign-born men who allegedly snuck in from Canada last month. Agents now think the smuggler who gave them the tip made up the story in hopes of helping his own case.

But in the meantime, the authorities WILL be protecting us from people who try to come here LEGALLY from Canada -- like THIS Canadian citizen, who was told he would have to be fingerprinted and photographed.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>muzaffar1
Time: 5s
Title: muzaffar1
Out-cue: ]

This is Muzaffar Iqbal, a chemist, who was headed to Georgetown University for a conference. 

But he is also a Muslim; born in Pakistan -- a nation now on the government's watch list. SO while other Canadians were waved through, HE had to register. That he'd LEFT Pakistan 22 years ago didn't matter to the immigration official: 

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>muzaffar4
Time: 6s
Title: muzaffar2
Out-cue: tough luck -2]

Tough luck.

Mr. Iqbal decided it was unfair to hold his place of birth against him. So he cancelled his trip.

The e-mails I get on this issue tend to say, "Dave, we know not all Muslims are terrorists -- but so far, all terrorists have been Muslim." 

Yes, indeed; so how about this: DRUNK DRIVERS kill a lot of people -- FAR more than terrorists. And like terrorists, drunk drivers ALSO have something in common. They drink a lot. So in the interest of national security, let's fingerprint and photograph everyone ...who buys liquor. 

Because not all drinkers are drunk drivers -- but all drunk drivers ... ARE drinkers.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SLEEPING SCREENER
Moved: 1/6/2003 8:47
CBS-SCREENER 1/6/03

Asleep at the gate. This is DR...

The Transportation Security Administration is investigating yesterday's incident at Sea-Tac Airport near Seattle, in which a security guard was caught napping.

He was discovered fast asleep at 6 a.m. at the exit gate from the North Satellite. On official said the nap could have been as long as thirty minutes -- and as a result, parts of the airport had to be evacuated, delaying 23 flights.

Oh, I can hear you asking the question now -- Dave, how could he have slept for thirty minutes?

Surely somebody noticed him nodding off... why didn't some passenger just say "Wake up -- you're a security guard!"

Well let's think this through. What is an airport? It's a series of long hallways full of people who are trying not to look Middle-Eastern.

You see, an airport is the one place where Americans are deliberately trying NOT to attract attention to themselves. They wear boring clothes, pack boring things, and try to ACT boring. No jokes, no wisecracks, no smirks. Everybody is as dull and non-terrorist-like as they can reasonably make themselves.

Well, when you're trying not to attract attention, the last thing you're going to do is walk over and jostle the sleeping security guard!

And yet -- unless we do SOMETHING, this will happen again and again. I don't care much training the guards get -- watching boring people is sleep-inducing.

So perhaps... a sharp clearing of the throat -- you know "AHEM! How about those playoffs -- AHEM. Boy it sure is secure in here, AHEM." Try that.

It will take courage, I know, but it's your patriotic duty.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PARTY NATION
Moved: 1/3/2003 7:03
CBS-PARTY NATION 01/01/03

The party nation. This is DR...

Every day you can just about guarantee you'll hear the same three stories on the news. You'll hear a story about how bad Saddam Hussein is, that the FBI is searching for somebody with an Islamic-sounding names, and that North Korea is building a nuclear bomb. 

And then, about once a week, you hear a story about how Americans are fatter than ever.

I believe today's story on America's abdominal bounty is that over the last decade obesity has doubled ... so that 21% of us now carry our midsections in a wheelbarrow.

Indeed, the three main killers of Americans -- in order-- are now smoking, physical inactivity, and alcohol.

You see what this means? It means our collective reaction to this daily dose of scary news has been a firm national commitment -- to party on!

And this, I think, is why other nations think they can just go around dissing us -- toying with the inspectors, throwing nuclear programs in our faces -- because they have this image of America as a bunch of overweight drunks who sit in front of their TV's watching shows with names like "Jackass."

Oh, they know we all have guns, but it's like arming water balloons. 

We have to change this image. One idea would be for us to follow the President's lead -- exercise, stop smoking, cut the cheeseburgers -- and become a nation of sleek, muscular Texans.

But just in case that doesn't happen, how about we STOP THESE OBESITY SURVEYS for a while, OK?

We get the message. We all KNOW we're a nation of jello-people. But we don't need to BROADCAST THIS TO THE WORLD. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WAR COST
Moved: 12/31/2002 8:41
CBS-WAR COST 12/31/2002

An informed public. This is DR...

Democracy depends on an informed public, so here's the latest war news.

The UN inspectors in Iraq have now made a fifth visit to the Samood missile factory, bursting in unannounced, hoping to catch Saddam with an illegal warhead hanging out. All they found was one ticked-off factory manager.

While the inspectors were busy finding no missiles in Iraq, we were informed, by US Intelligence officials quoted in the Washington Post, that our other nemesis, al Qaeda, has a NAVY -- which we also can't find: 15 cargo freighters that could be used to carry everything from bombs to those sleeper cells. Which we which we can't find either.

The GOOD news comes in a New York Times article that the cost of any war with Iraq, earlier estimated at between 100 and 200 BILLION dollars, is now officially estimated to be a much more affordable 50 to 60 billion, thanks in part to more efficient weapons, and thanks in part to the resignation of economic adviser Lawrence Lindsey, the guy who made the old estimate. He resigned three weeks ago; and suddenly the war is half price. 

But even as the financial impact of the war dropped, along comes Congressman Charles Rangel -- a declared opponent of the war -- seeking to raise the political impact by promising to introduce legislation ... to resume the military draft. Putting himself on record as wanting to force people to fight a war he believes is wrong.

So there it is. You are now officially informed, and ready to begin a whole NEW year trying to figure out what the heck is going on.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NORTH KOREA
Moved: 12/31/2002 8:41
CBS-NORTH KOREA 12/30/2002

When a crisis is not a crisis. This is DR...

It is truly amazing how the power of high office has expanded to include the English language itself.

For example: North Korea is behaving exactly the way we've been PRAYING Iraq would behave. Coming right out and announcing it has nuclear weapons, then shutting down security cameras, then kicking out the inspectors, and finally saying the reason it was doing all this was to make plutonium for bombs! Any ONE of those, and Saddam would wake up with a hundred laser dots on his forehead.

On PAPER, that's a crisis.

Plus you have sources in the CIA are saying North Korea could have plutonium enough for as many as five more nukes by summer; plus we already know they've tested long range missiles. 

But officially, this is NOT a crisis. And of all the official reasons why it is not a crisis, here's my favorite: because dictator Kim Jong-il is more predictable and less dangerous than Saddam Hussein.

Now see, I thought Kim Jong-il was supposed to be a nut case. A guy who claims he was born on a sacred mountain under a double rainbow as a bright star marked the spot? But I guess if you can define his nukes as "not a crisis", you can define a guy who has a messiah complex as "not a nut case."

But whatever the case, one less crisis in the world is CERTAINLY a good thing, no matter how strained the logic.

And actually, if you look at the gazillions that WE'VE spent on nuclear weapons, and the gazillions we're still spending trying to clean up the waste they create, maybe the best way to punish North Korea... is just to let them do it.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS IRAQ BLANKS
Moved: 12/20/2002 8:55
CBS-IRAQ-BLANKS 12/20/2002

Fill in the Blanks. This is DR...

The feature where I read a story we've all heard so many times that even ordinary people like you can Fill In The ....BLANKS.

Today's subject is about the evil nation of ... IRAQ.

The most important thing to remember is that this whole dispute with Iraq is ...NOT ABOUT OIL.

We don't care about ...THE OIL. We aren't even aware that Iraq has ...OIL. We don't want their ...STINKIN' OIL. In fact, if it turns out we have some of their oil, we plan to ...GIVE IT BACK.

Anyway, Iraq recently handed over to the United Nations a weapons report that is full of ...LIES.

Secretary of state Colin Powell says it's full of ... LIES.

Chief Weapons inspector Hans Blix says it's full of ... LIES. Or, what diplomats would call a ... MATERIAL BREACH. And that's bad because this weapons declaration was Iraq's ... LAST CHANCE.

Secretary of State Powell made it clear that Iraq has now blown that ...LAST CHANCE.

Which means that the diplomats now have no choice but to ...GIVE THEM ANOTHER LAST CHANCE.

This would be called a ...LAST LAST CHANCE.

The next step will be a ...FINAL LAST CHANCE, followed by the ...ABSOLUTELY FINAL LAST CHANCE.

That would then be followed by what UN diplomats call an ... INTRUSIVE INSPECTION REGIME. Or what President Bush would call a ...B52.

It's gotten so bad, that Iraq is even beginning to annoy ...THE FRENCH. But they don't want to do anything right now because their diplomats are busy contemplating ...A FINE BORDEAUX.

Very good.

Now this..

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS LOTT
Moved: 12/20/2002 8:55
CBS-LOTT 12/20/2002

Be careful what you laugh at. This is DR...

Trent Lott is giving up his post as majority leader... because of what he thought was a funny toast to Strom Thurmond. The trouble was, a lot people people didn't get it. And when he tried to explain it... well, you know how it is when you try to explain a joke. It got to the point where he was recanting his votes on affirmative action:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>lott3
Time: 4s
Title: lott3
Out-cue: completely different]

As for his vote against the King Holiday -- he pleaded ignorance:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>lott1
Time: 8s
Title: lott1
Out-cue: who this man was]

Not only did this NOT satisfy his critics, it began to scare Republicans who had voted exactly the same way.

So Trent Lott steps down. But does this end it? Lest we forget, there was an audience there. And they laughed:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>lott
Time: 8s
Out-cue: ]

Who are these? What were THEY thinking at the time? Why did THEY find the prospect of a Strom Thurmond presidency humorous? 

Will their thoughts and their backgrounds and their voting records be examined?

When is a joke not a joke? When Al Gore went on Saturday Night Live, was that racist, or just funny:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>gore1
Time: 12s
Title: gore1
Out-cue: no white person behind]

Who decides?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ODOR
Moved: 12/19/2002 9:03
CBS-ODOR 12/19/2002
I smell trouble. This is DR...
War is never pleasant, but you have to admit, there are all sorts of remarkable spin-offs...
Thanks to the War on Terrorism -- we have a newly-invigorated missile defense system, that new Total Information Awareness computer that can monitor e-mails and credit records automatically, an invigorated INS that's coming up with all sorts of ways to annoy immigrants.
But now we have something completely new. The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency plans to spend $3.2 million next year to determine if its feasible to build a machine that can identify people by their SMELL.
They want to capture your ODOR-print.
The theory is that every human being has a unique, genetically-determined ODOR that can't be altered.
Tests show this is true for mice -- which have a unique urinary odor -- so the next step is obviously to design a very expensive machine that can exploit this in humans. A drug test without the little cup!
And if scientists can prove it's practical, the Defense lab wants a working prototype within six years. Because being able to detect bad guys by their smell can only enhance national security.
Terrorists would set off alarms just by stepping outside. We could arrest anybody from the Middle East who we catch buying deodorant.
So let's just take an accounting here: they can tap your phone calls, they can read your e-mails, they can monitor your credit records, they can take pictures of you from space, and in a few years, every time you use the bathroom, a computer at the Pentagon will flash your name.
If only those Iraqi nukes could sweat.
Now this.
This is DR. 
Index 

CBS IRAQ
Moved: 12/18/2002 8:45
CBS-IRAQ 12/18/2002

Shocking discoveries. This is DR...

There's a flurry of news today about Iraq -- and a good thing too because I almost forgot the place existed. The weapons inspections have already gotten boring. 

If I want to see idle factories, I can just walk around an AMERICAN city.

In fact, the most shocking discoveries aren't coming from Iraq. The most shocking discovery of the past week was when the Republicans suddenly discovered Trent Lott in their midst. How did the satellites miss THAT one? 

Anyway, the President is trying to re-energize the debate by pointing to Iraq's weapons declaration -- telling us that the 12,000 pages are incomplete, full of omissions.

And the British were quick to second that -- however, neither country is ready to use the words ``material breach.''

Because as you know, the words "material breach" would mean war, and I think that even the most bellicose members of the administration have come to realize that we would look silly bombing what appear to be a bunch of decrepit buildings and empty palaces.

Of course the documents are incomplete! But if incomplete documents were enough to start a war, Enron would be a smoldering crater instead of merely bankrupt.

I don't think it's asking too much for the inspectors to FIND something menacing. Anything. A germ lab. A nuke. An al Qaeda cell. So that we can tell our kids -- "you see, THAT's why we had to go in."

Wait -- I know -- invite Saddam to Strom's next birthday party and put a drink in his hand.

Now this.

This is 
Index 

CBS TRENT3
Moved: 12/18/2002 8:40
CBS-TRENT3 12/17/2002

The transformation of Trent Lott. This is DR...

I don't have the exact figures yet, but I believe Trent Lott is on a pace to break apology-per-day record currently held by Bill Clinton. 

That toast to Strom Thurmond ... has turned into far more than just a slip. It's become his blue dress.

But not only has he bared his soul -- he's slammed his politics into reverse! He told Black Entertainment Television he would now vote in FAVOR of a Martin Luther King holiday, and the only reason he didn't back in 1983 was simple ignorance:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>lott1
Time: 8s
Title: lott1
Out-cue: who this man was]

Didn't understand who the man was. 

Once upon a time, he didn't like Affirmative Action either. In July of 1995 he voted against affirmative action in awarding federal contracts. But that was the old Trent Lott. The new Trent Lott embraces Affirmative Action:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>lott2
Time: 10s
Title: lott2
Out-cue: mid nineteen seventies]

This was like watching Ebeezer Scrooge on Christmas Morning. He came this close to buying turkeys for everyone!

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>lott3
Time: 4s
Title: lott3
Out-cue: have a chance]

If the interview had gone on much longer, he would have raised the minimum wage and come out for National Health Insurance. I could just hear Republicans from coast to coast yelling at their TV -- "Stop! Stop!"

No wonder Republicans are itching to kick him out as majority leader. They don't want to be led by a Democrat.

Now this. This is DR. 
Index 

CBS GORE
Moved: 12/16/2002 9:12
CBS-GORE 12/16/2002

The allure of freedom. This is DR.

It seemed so obvious that he would run. 

But last night on 60 minutes, Al Gore said no.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>gore4
Time: 10s
Title: gore4
Out-cue: closure on this]

What could have happened in New York City that was INTENSE enough to make him utter the word CLOSURE? 

Only one thing. Appearing on NBC's Saturday Night Live:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>gore0
Time: 2s
Title: gore0
Out-cue: to any white people]

-- where he posed as Trent Lott:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>gore1
Time: 12s
Title: gore1
Out-cue: no white person behind]

Where he played President with the stars of the West Wing:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>gore2
Time: 7s
Title: gore2
Out-cue: tell them we're going in]

And where New Age guru Stuart Smalley helped him get in touch with his authentic inner self:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>gore3
Time: 4s
Title: gore3
Out-cue: powerful man in the world]

I think he realizes now that hanging around actors and comedians is WAY more fun!

Presidents just don't have the freedom they used to. Otherwise Iraq would be part of Texas by now.

And that's what Al Gore has discovered: Freedom! The liberation of not having to worry about what you say! You can say anything you want and people still love you!

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>gore6
Time: 7s
Title: gore6
Out-cue: black people separate]

Can you imagine how jealous Trent Lott is?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS STROM
Moved: 12/13/2002 8:49
CBS-STROM 12/13/2002

Who else should the President scold? This is DR...

I admit I've now become completely pre-occupied with this Trent Lott story.

Trent Lott said America would have avoided a lot of problems if it had elected Strom Thurmond President in 1948. Actually, he said NOTHING in his toast about segregation or civil rights -- taken literally, he was simply saying Strom Thurmond would have made a good leader.

Well, none of us knows what would have happened if Strom Thurmond had actually become president.

But I do know this. Trent Lott is not the only one who considers Strom Thurmond a model of leadership.

Everybody is acting as if praising Strom Thurmond's leadership is something new and novel.

But if you do a little web search, his name pops up all over -- scholarships, honors, awards, buildings.

Clemson has the Strom Thurmond Institute of Government and public affairs.
Clemson also has the Strom Thurmond Boys & Girls Club Leadership Institute: Among its goals: develop and strengthen an organization-wide diversity initiative.
There's even a Lake Thurmond.
The military loves Strom Thurmond: Last week -- The Secretary of the Army announced a new Army museum will be named after Thurmond, who landed in Normandy on D-day.
In a speech in 1998, then secretary of the Navy John Dalton said "There is no better example of inspired leadership among us than Senator Strom Thurmond." 
And just yesterday, at Andrews Air Force Base, the Secretary of the Air Force named a new C-17 "Spirit of Strom Thurmond." There's much more but I'm out of time. Except to say -- the President has a lot more scolding to do.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NUCLEAR SITES
Moved: 12/13/2002 8:48
CBS-NUCLEAR SITES 12/13/2002

Finally the evidence. This is DR...

Finally, the United States has released satellite photos showing evidence of the secret construction of large nuclear facilities. The only trouble is, the secret nuclear facilities are being built in IRAN.

Iran says it's for peaceful purposes though, and the Penatgon doesn't seem to be doing anything about it, so I guess we shouldn't worry.

Another thing not to worry about is that shipment of scud missiles from North Korea to Yemen. You may have heard the story of the freighter So-San: 

We asked the Spanish Navy to stop the ship, which it did. An inspection found the missiles were not listed on the cargo manifest, and were in fact hidden under 2,000 tons of cement. That sounds suspicious. And yet, US authorities ordered the ship released, because Yemen, while a known hangout for terrorists, is currently an ally in the war on terrorism. Good thing it wasn't carrying POT!

So what we have is nuclear plants in Iran, nuclear plants in North Korea, scuds in Yemen, yet our missiles remain pointed at IRAQ, where inspections have so far yielded evidence of yogurt cultures, and some jars of marmalade in a presidential palace!

Well it's early in the process. And we must remember it's not the weapons -- weapons don't kill people, only weapons in the hands of Saddam kill people. So we must wait and see. 

Still -- about those scuds... aren't we the country that's found legal ways to arrest anyone who is caught even thinking of a terrorist act? We couldn't figure out a legal way to stop 15 scuds?

Dang -- I hope they at least yanked the spark plugs.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NUCLEAR SITES
Moved: 12/13/2002 8:45
CBS-NUCLEAR SITES 12/13/2002

Finally the evidence. This is DR...

Finally, the United States has released satellite photos showing evidence of the secret construction for large nuclear facilities. The only trouble is, the secret nuclear facilities are being built in IRAN.

Iran says it's for peaceful purposes though, and the Penatgon doesn't seem to be doing anything about it, so I guess we shouldn't worry.

Another thing not to worry about is that shipment of scud missiles from North Korea to Yemen. You may have heard the story of the freighter So-San: 

We asked the Spanish Navy to stop the ship, which it did. An inspection found the missiles were not listed on the cargo manifest, and were in fact hidden under 2,000 tons of cement. That sounds suspicious. And yet, US authorities ordered the ship released, because Yemen, while a known hangout for terrorists, is currently an ally in the war on terrorism. Good thing it wasn't carrying POT!

So what we have is nuclear plants in Iran, nuclear plants in North Korea, scuds in Yemen, yet our missiles remain pointed at IRAQ, where inspections have so far yielded evidence of yogurt cultures, and some jars of marmalade in a presidential palace!

Well it's early in the process. And we must remember it's not the weapons -- weapons don't kill people, only weapons in the hands of Saddam kill people. So we must wait and see. 

Still -- about those scuds... aren't we the country that's found legal ways to arrest anyone who is caught even thinking of a terrorist act? We couldn't figure out a legal way to stop 15 scuds?

Dang -- I hope they at least yanked the spark plugs.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS STROM
Moved: 12/13/2002 8:45
CBS-STROM 12/13/2002

Who else should the President scold? This is DR...

I admit I've now become completely pre-occupied with this Trent Lott story.

Trent Lott said America would have avoided a lot of problems if it had elected Strom Thurmond President in 1948. Actually, he said NOTHING in his toast about segregation or civil rights -- taken literally, he was simply saying Strom Thurmond would have made a good leader.

Well, none of us knows what would have happened if Strom Thurmond had actually become president.

But I do know this. Trent Lott is not the only one who considers Strom Thurmond a model of leadership.

Everybody is acting as if praising Strom Thurmond's leadership is something new and novel.

But if you do a little web search, his name pops up all over the South -- scholarships, honors, awards, buildings.

Clemson has the Strom Thurmond Institute of Government and public affairs.
Clemson also has the Strom Thurmond Boys & Girls Club Leadership Institute: Among its goals: develop and strengthen an organization-wide diversity initiative.
There's even a Lake Thurmond.
The military loves Strom Thurmond: Last week -- The Secretary of the Army announced a new Army museum will be named after Thurmond, who landed in Normandy on D-day.
In a speech in 1998, then secretary of the Navy John Dalton said "There is no better example of inspired leadership among us than Senator Strom Thurmond." 
And just yesterday, at Andrews Air Force Base, the Secretary of the Air Force named a new C-17 "Spirit of Strom Thurmond." here's much more but I'm out of time. Except to say -- the President has a lot more scolding to do.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS LOTT2
Moved: 12/13/2002 8:45
CBS-LOTT2 12/11/2002

The mystery sound. This is DR...

Here's a little test. See if you recognize this sound:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>lottapplause
Time: 4s
Title: lottapplause
Out-cue: ]

Hmmm. Not easy. Let me play it again for you...

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>lottapplause
Time: 4s
Title: lottapplause
Out-cue: ]

It sounds like a crowd of people laughing and clapping; having a good time, right?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>lottapplause
Time: 4s
Title: lottapplause
Out-cue: ]

Yes. Sound likes an audience that likes what it just heard, and indeed that's what it is.

Now let me play you the entire cut:

[Cart No: <8 Raw Carts>lott
Time: 8s
Out-cue: ]

OK. If this turns out to be the political suicide of Trent Lott, then we have to ask, who was in the crowd urging him to jump?

At first, I couldn't understand why so many REPUBLICANS -- all the way up to the PRESIDENT now -- have been scolding Trent Lott for being insensitive to minorities. Because if they were REALLY worried about the guy being perceived as insensitive to minorities, never mind his birthday toast, what about his votes?

He voted YES on banning affirmative action in federal hiring, YES on ending special funding for minority businesses, NO on setting aside highway funds for minorities -- were was the outrage among Republicans then? Those weren't just toasts -- those were actual votes affecting the lives of actual minorities.
So why have Republicans waited until NOW to express their outrage at Trent Lott?
Why have they waited until NOW to exorcise this demon from their midst? Why was it a birthday toast that finally put Trent one joke over the line?

I think we've heard the answer:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>lottapplause
Time: 4s
Title: lottapplause
Out-cue: ]

Because they laughed too.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NUCLEAR
Moved: 12/11/2002 11:04
CBS-NUCLEAR 12/11/2002

Yes, we will shoot first. This is DR...

Just in case there was any doubt, the Bush Administration has made it official. According to a new policy statement release this week, if we think an enemy is going to unleash weapons of mass destruction either here at home, or on our troops, we'll shoot first.
And, according to the Washington Post, we may shoot first with nuclear weapons -- new ground-burrowing nuclear weapons that can destroy underground bunkers more safely.... without kicking up as much fallout. Sort of "Green nukes" I guess you could call them.

Now I know that for many of you this kind of talk is upsetting; so I want to remind you that's not the intention -- the whole point is to make you feel more secure.

In this festive time of year, nothing creates that warm, cozy feeling like knowing your country is fully prepared to vaporize the enemy. It's the new golden rule: "Do unto others as you think they might do unto you."

Just one TEENSY concern, and I emphasize that it's a teensy concern just in case anyone in the Total Information Awareness Office is a fan of this broadcast...

I'm a little concerned about what would happen if OTHER nations decide to do the same.

As in, what happens if other nations, realizing we are about to pre-empt their strike, elect to pre-empt our pre-emption. In that case, we would obviously have to pre-empt them before they could pre-empt our pre-emption.

Until at some point, somebody is going to nuke somebody else just for issuing a sharply-worded press release.

But as I say, just a teensy concern. They've probably thought that through.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TRENT LOTT
Moved: 12/10/2002 9:25
CBS-TRENT LOTT 12/10/2002
The price of flattery. This is DR...
Senator Trent Lott has now apologized for the remarks he made at Senator Strom Thurmond's Birthday Party last Thursday.
This must be an important story because it led the People section of my newspaper.
So let's take a closer look. Here's what Lott said at the party: (QUOTE) "I want to say this about my state: When Strom Thurmond ran for president, we voted for him. We're proud of it. And if the rest of the country had followed our lead, we wouldn't have had all these problems over all these years."
The trouble is that when Strom Thurmond was the States' Rights Party nominee in 1948, he was saying stuff like "All the laws of Washington and all the bayonets of the Army cannot force the Negroes into our homes, our schools, our churches." 
Bad.
But here's the thing -- this was an office birthday party, right? When you go to an office birthday party, what do you do? You say nice things about the guy. No matter who he is. Why? Because it's a small price to pay for free cake. That's why.
Was Senator Lott thinking -- ah-- the event I've been waiting for -- Strom Thurmond's birthday -- now at last I can break my chains and proclaim my racism to the world?
No! It was flattery! Why? Because Strom Thurmond is 100 years old!
Look at the man! What are you gonna do? Start scolding him NOW?
I don't know what Senator Lott was thinking. Maybe he was thinking that if Strom Thurmond HAD been elected President in 1948, he would never have gotten into the Senate, and I wouldn't have to be putting my foot in my mouth at this birthday party today. 
Now this.
This is DR... 
Index 

CBS IRAQ LIST
Moved: 12/9/2002 8:58
CBS-IRAQ LIST 12/09/2002

It cannot be true. This is DR...

The United Nations has Iraq's weapons list. 12,000 pages. And experts plan to spend weeks analyzing it. 

But I think I can save them a lot of time. The list is bogus. It cannot possibly be true.

Oh, I can hear you yelling at the radio "Dave, how can you say that? This list almost as long as the IRS code! It's going to take time to determine if it's true and complete."

Yes, but you forget one thing.

The list cannot possibly be true and complete. Because if that list IS true and complete, it would mean that what our OWN government has been telling us was untrue and incomplete.

And that ... is a logical impossibility!

We've been told again and again that Iraq is RIGHT NOW hiding weapons of mass destruction, and that WE have solid PROOF. And we know the reason Iraq has the audacity to lie is because it's run by an evil man who has gassed his own people. We believe this. Talk shows hosts challenge the patriotism of anyone who DOES NOT believe this. I myself believe this.

That's why 60,000 of our young people are training in the desert with gas masks -- because Americans believe that Iraq is a dangerous nation with dangerous weapons run by a dangerous man who must be stopped by force.

I can also understand why we don't want to reveal our proof PUBLICLY -- no point in tipping off any potential enemies to what we know.

But since we ARE in the right, and we DO have the proof, and we all BELIEVE we have the proof, I think that now would be a good time to slip a few of the coordinates to Hans Blix. 

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS UNITED BANKRUPT
Moved: 12/5/2002 9:03
CBS-UNITED BANKRUPT 12/05/2002

From my cold dead hands. This is DR...

It appears all but inevitable. United Airlines faces bankruptcy. And even though there are many stories of far greater historic moment, THIS is the story that grips America. For I can hear the cry -- first softly, and then growing into a thunder that rolls from the mountains to the prairies to the oceans white with foam:

"Don't touch My miles!"

This is the cry. Because Americans have endured much in the past year. We have seen retirement funds disappear, budget surpluses disappear, jobs disappear; Al Gore reappear. We have endured much, and we are prepared to endure more.

But we earned those miles. We earned them in center seats -- sitting through edited movies, unwelcome conversation, and Rustic Tarragon Chicken with jelled gravy.

We earned them by decoding double-mile hotel certificates and by repeatedly switching long-distance carriers. We earned them standing in security lines watching our own underwear put on public display. 

Those miles are battle ribbons!

But more than that -- they represent our dreams. What traveler among us can forget the first time ... we upgraded? The ticket that said simply... 2A. Who among us will forget the flight attendant's expression: the expression that said -- without uttering a word -- that you, sir, would sit in FRONT of the blue curtain. The land of table linen, really HOT food, and ice cream sundaes!

It was the day we understood why that curtain was kept closed.

Yes, Americans will tolerate many things. But I warn whoever's in charge: don't touch the miles.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQ HAS NOTHING
Moved: 12/3/2002 8:30
CBS-IRAQ HAS NOTHING 12/03/2002

Weapons? What weapons? This is DR...

I knew Saddam Hussein was evil, but this time he's gone too far.

In full view of the world press, Iraq has been caught RED-HANDED... complying with UN demands. Saddam Hussein is capable of a lot, but this kind of cold-blooded compliance is a new low.

Did you see those pictures of the suspected germ warfare base? 25 sorry-looking crop-dusting helicopters, only 9 of which could fly. Parked next to a pile of corn.

Did you see the pictures of the scud missile factory? I've seen scarier equipment in a health club.

And today -- Iraq sank even lower. When the inspectors showed up at one of Saddam's palaces in Baghdad -- the gates OPENED!

This crazed maniac has no shame. And we all know what's next -- because he's given us a hint. The deadline for releasing the list of weapons programs is Sunday -- but HE says he'll do it SATURDAY. He knows full well that is a day earlier than he has to! 

And you can just bet what will be on that list. Everything! Down to the last middle school petri dish.

However, don't worry. We know the weapons are there, and we've crafted an unbeatable argument. According to President Bush, the fact that Iraq continues to say it has no weapons of mass destruction, indeed actually PROVES it is hiding something.

In other words, the more Iraq appears to comply, the more it proves they have something to hide, and the closer we come to war. And in the event Iraq refuses to comply, that too would prove they have something to hide, and the closer we come to war.

So take THAT, my evil friend.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CELLPHONES
Moved: 12/2/2002 8:43
CBS-CELLPHONES 12/02/2002

Cell phones -- in trouble again. This is DR...

We have another study showing cell phones kill. The odds of being killed in an accident while making a call: 13 in a million. Odds you'll be killed by somebody ELSE making a call: FOUR in a million.

That compares to the odds of getting killed if you don't wear a seat belt -- 49 in a million.

But as it turns out, it's OK, because the study found that the costs of using a cell phone in the car were balanced by the benefits -- benefits such as security, peace of mind, productivity -- and this is the kicker -- faster reporting of accidents!

That's what I like about statistics -- the cell phone that caused the crash can redeem itself by reporting it in a timely manner.

Look -- there's only on statistic you need: that in America right now, there are exactly one gazillion jerks with cars.

The cell phone is simply another tool to make jerkdom easier to achieve. All it did was make them put down the donut. 

It's a donut with a dial tone.

What we have to ask is why are there are so many jerks on the road?

We make the road test too easy, that's why.

The examiner takes the kid on some cul-de-sac and says: "parallel park between these cones." 

When I heard that the terrorists had no trouble getting drivers licenses ... didn't surprise me a bit. We license terrorists every day.

No! We should test these kids under real-world conditions: with a bunch of rowdy friends in the back, and a girlfriend on his lap. Then you call his cell phone and see if he can stay in his lane.

If he flunks, you confiscate his car. The cell phone he can keep.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PALESTINE POLL
Moved: 11/29/2002 8:41
CBS-PALESTINE POLL 11/29/2002

Now they figure it out. This is DR...

A new poll finds a growing number of Palestinians want to see a return to peace talks.
Oh, they still favor attacks on Israeli settlers and soldiers in the West Bank and Gaza -- the land they want for their own state. But 56 percent now favor an END to attacks in Israel itself.

And whereas three months ago only 48% wanted a cease fire -- now 76 percent want one.

It only took two years of violence, and the deaths of almost two-thousand Palestinians and 700 Israelis. To say nothing of the tourism collapse that has killed jobs on both sides, but especially the Palestinian side.

You can never be sure, but the poll may mean that the people who would make up a Palestinian nation have noticed that the current tactics aren't working.

And given that they now think attacks on Israel are a bad idea, you have to wonder what they think about the "help" they've getting from Al Qaeda lately -- blowing up Western tourists.

Ending the Israeli occupation of Palestinian land is one of al Qaeda's goals, and yet, since al Qaeda started pursuing that goal in earnest, what has happened? The US, which WAS willing to be the chief broker of an agreement, is completely distracted! Leaving Israel free to retaliate as it chooses, and now, even build a wall! Which will, among other things, make commerce with Palestinian areas even tougher than it already is.

At this point there is only ONE way that members of al Qaeda could truly help the Palestinian cause. Turn their guns... on each other.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BUY NOTHING DAY
Moved: 11/29/2002 8:41
CBS-BUY-NOTHING-DAY 11/29/2002

Are you a lemming? This is DR...

According to the sponsors of Buy Nothing Day, most of us are lemmings caught in a hypnotic spell of consumerism, which is is why for 11 years now they have declared this Buy Nothing Day -- a day to voluntarily step out of the consumer stream for 24 hours and buy nothing.
I know I can't be objective about this, but let me see if I can step through the logic of the concept.

One argument is that between pollution and climate change, our over-use of fossil fuels could ruin the planet. Yes, you have to concede that point.

They also argue that wealth is a disease. Well, looking at the number of obese Americans, you have to concede that point.

And then they come to a new argument -- the September 11th argument: that our over- consumption is one of the root causes of terrorism. That our consumption of 86% of the world's resources create a huge difference between the rich and poor of the world which is another one of those reasons why they hate us.

OK. On the pollution argument. We use a lot of oil, and create a lot of trash, but isn't it true that the poorer parts of the world are actually MORE polluted than America?

On the wealth-as-a-disease argument -- if our wealth is what's making us physically and morally bankrupt -- why would we want to share that disease with the rest of the world? 

And finally -- if what the terrorists actually want is for us to share our wealth, why would they then bomb a hotel full of tourists in Kenya who were doing just that?

Frankly, if terrorists truly don't want us to shop -- I can't think of a better reason to line up at the mall.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS THANK YOU IRAQ
Moved: 11/27/2002 8:47
CBS-THANK YOU IRAQ 11/27/2002

Thank you, Saddam. This is DR...

It's an amazing thing. 

Ever since we here in America started hearing the name Saddam Hussein, it's been associated with tyranny. With a closed society that has no respect for human rights. With a social system that celebrates the cult of the strongman. 

We see Iraq as a place where people live in fear of what they say, even what they think. It's portrayed on TV as a place where the President's portrait smiles down on the citizens -- not in the benign way that the portrait of our own president smiles on us from the wall of the passport office, but as a multistory mural looming over a public square, seeking to spread ENFORCED happiness.

Happiness through loyalty, it seems to say.

And as for freedom of speech -- we see Iraq as a place where, if you write something the government doesn't like you tend to disappear.

Which is why the reports NOW coming out of Iraq are nothing short of a miracle.

The reports coming out of Iraq are that the first platoon of weapons inspectors are being allowed to go wherever they want, and that Iraq now welcomes the press! In fact, the more press, the better! Send us reporters, they say. Indeed now it's the United NATIONS that doesn't want the reporters around.

And what have the reporters reported? That the inspectors inspected a machine parts factory that appeared to be making - machine parts. Apparently non-violent machine parts.

I thought those inspectors would be coated in anthrax spores by now. But apparently Iraq has learned its lesson, and decided to follow the path of peace.

It makes for a nice holiday commentary anyway.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BLANKS FATWAH
Moved: 11/27/2002 8:47
CBS-BLANKS-FATWAH 11/27/2002

Fill in the Blanks. This is DR...

The feature where I read a story we've all heard so many times that even ordinary people like you can Fill In The ....BLANKS.

Today's Fill-In-The-Blanks is a classic story of what can happen as a result of irresponsible journalism. Dateline, Northern Nigeria.

Once again, a writer has been targeted by a religious edict known as a ...FATWAH.

This fatwah was issued by a government official in Northern Nigeria against a journalist who wrote a column that said ... SOMETHING THEY DIDN'T LIKE.

Actually, what she wrote was that the prophet Mohammed might have married one of the Miss World contestants... OH! 

This article was so controversial that thousands of people decided that the best way to respond to it was to ...RIOT. The reaction to the column prompted the columnist to apologize, but the government officials in Nigeria decided that the only way for her to make up for what she did would be to ...DIE.

Studies show that it's much more difficult to write a column critical of government officials when ... YOU'RE DEAD.

So to summarize what we've learned in the past year from certain religious authorities: if a woman commits adultery she ... MUST DIE. If a woman says the Prophet might have married a Miss World contestant, she too ... MUST DIE. But under the right conditions, a man who flies a plane into a building ...GOES STRAIGHT TO HEAVEN, where he gets to meet ... 70 VIRGINS, who are considered perfect and therefore probably look a lot like ... MISS WORLD.

Yes. Go ...FIGURE.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS POLLUTION
Moved: 11/25/2002 8:37
CBS-POLLUTION 11/25/2002

News goes by so fast here! This is DR...

The weapons inspectors are on the move, Homeland Security gets signed -- all big news, but just hang on here. 

There's was a story that sped by so fast I had to run down the Saturday paper to find it.

Here it is: "EPA eases pollution rules for industry." Did you see that story? It was easy to miss. In fact, you almost get the feeling someone wanted us to miss it. The announcement came on a Friday, no cameras were allowed, no senior officials were there, and the President was out of the country. You'd almost think someone was deliberately burying it!

And yet, if you read the story, it's clear the Bush Administration truly believes thinks this is a good thing -- that relaxing the pollution rules will actually lead to CLEANER air. Because all that smokestack scrubbing technology required by the old rules was so expensive, no one was using it anyway.

Well if that's true, it should be trumpeted from the mountaintops, not buried in the Saturday paper!

But toxic gasses make people do strange things.

Take the smokestack itself. What is a smokestack? It's a way of saying "my toxic gas should go in somebody else's lungs." If we caught Saddam doing it, we'd say he was gassing his own people.

So you really need only one environmental regulation. No smokestacks. All smokestacks -- prohibited. A plant can generate any pollutant it wants, but it has to expel it right there at ground level, where the people who create it have to breathe it.

Then we'll see if those scrubbers are too expensive.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS QWEST
Moved: 11/22/2002 9:00
CBS-QWEST 11/19/2002

My Quest for justice. This is DR...

You may have heard that Qwest Communications recently settled with customers in a number of Western States who ended up buying phone services they didn't want.

Now, I am always careful about what I buy, so I decided to call Qwest to see if I had any features on my phone that I didn't want:

And I asked a very friendly customer service representative named Jan what was on my phone:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>qwest1
Time: 12s
Title: qwest1
Out-cue: no..."]... OK

I also have selective call forwarding, priority call, permanent line blocking, and call rejection! None of which has stopped the telemarketers! Oh -- and this cool feature:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>qwest3
Time: 20s
Title: qwest3
Out-cue: ]

That nice Jan had been billing me extra for my second line -- which was supposed to be included with all that other stuff I DIDN'T want. 

So I'm getting a 200 dollar credit. 

However, if I want to save even MORE by dropping the special-ring-last-call-forward-redial-three-way pervert-blocker:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>qwest6
Time: 4s
Out-cue: ]

So I'm keeping them all! 

Pound-star-zero eliminates weapons of mass destruction -- did you know that?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS LIVING CELL
Moved: 11/22/2002 9:00
CBS-LIVING CELL 11/22/2002

Monsters incorporated. This is DR...

The Energy Department has given three million dollars to a genetic scientist who plans to create a new form of single cell life.

What Dr J. Craig Venter plans to do is is to synthesize DNA from basic chemicals, sequence the genes, and create an artificial cell nucleus.

In response to those who worry that it might get out of control, Dr. Venter says he's working with a very delicate single celled bacterium... a bacterium so fragile it can't live outside the laboratory, a bacteria so finicky the only place you're likely to find it is in the ...human genital tract.

(BUZZ)

Now you know how sometimes you'll be reading a news story and a warning buzzer goes off in your head? Me too. My buzzer is just a little... louder than yours.

So this fragile microbe is commonly found in the human genital tract. And the reason they want to manipulate this bacterium -- is to create a synthetic DNA sequence that will cause this genital tract bacterium to manufacture HYDROGEN GAS.

(BUZZ)

OK -- now that would be a cheap source of clean fuel.

But remember, once upon a time, scientists doctored corn genes and said they would never get loose, and they weaponized anthrax and said "don't worry it's just to test the vaccine", they invented fisson and said don't worry, we won't let anybody else get it...

Well, all that's bad enough, but if a hydrogen-producing genital tract bacteria gets loose - NOW you have a weapon that makes your groin explode.

(BUZZ)

You BET my head is buzzing!

Once in a while, scientists who get brilliant ideas -- should just say.... no.

(DING)

Now this.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>z-QUIZ BUZZER
Time: 1s
Title: QUIZ BUZZER
Out-cue: ]

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>z-QUIZ BUZZER
Time: 1s
Title: QUIZ BUZZER
Out-cue: ]

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>z-QUIZ BUZZER
Time: 1s
Title: QUIZ BUZZER
Out-cue: ]

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>z-QUIZ BELL
Time: 1s
Title: QUIZ BELL
Out-cue: ] 
Index 

CBS FBI
Moved: 11/21/2002 8:49
CBS-FBI 11/21/2002

The FBI -- out of focus. This is DR...

Senior FBI officials are reported to be frustrated with the War on Terrorism here in the US. It's stalled. And the problem, according to the higher-ups, is that rank-and-file FBI agents aren't single-minded and aggressive enough. 

One impatient memo told field agents to "Get out on the street and develop sources."

But there's this OTHER quote too.

The New York Times story says: (QUOTE) "some of the bureau's ... field offices are finding it difficult to veer away from the bureau's decades-long focus on solving ... bank robberies, drug trafficking, and kidnappings."

OK... so if I play that back Real Slow, this story is saying senior officials want the FBI to veer away from solving bank robberies, drug trafficking, and kidnappings... so they can focus on terrorism.

See, I was kind of hoping that we could do BOTH. American taxpayers DO pay more for defense than all the other NATO nations combined, so you'd think there'd be at least a few Susan B. Anthony's to go after the stick-up men, the drug thugs, and the child-snatchers. 

And maybe even a few bucks to track down crazed snipers a little sooner -- like a better system to trace bullets? But wait! What am I saying? That would infringe on privacy! Especially the privacy of criminals who shoot discreetly from the trunks of cars! Plus we need the money for that new defense department super-computer that won't track firearms, but will track your credit card transactions, bank records, doctors visits, and prescription purchases. Without invading your privacy, naturally.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TEN COMMANDMENTS
Moved: 11/19/2002 8:50
CBS-TEN COMMANDMENTS 11/19/2002

Etched in stone. This is DR...

Alabama's Chief Justice Roy Moore has lost his case to keep the Ten Commandments on display in the State Judicial Building.

Displaying the Ten Commandments has been a crusade for Judge Moore. 

As a county judge in Gadsden he put the Commandments to the wall of his court, prompting the ire of the ACLU, but the admiration of the voters who elected Judge Moore to be Chief Justice -- on the promise that he'd bring the Commandments to the state's highest court. And that's just what he did -- rolling a 5,000 pound granite monument into the building after hours.

The people loved that too. But it was all too much for U.S. District Judge Myron Thompson -- who ruled on Monday that Judge Moore would have 30 days to remove the granite.

I don't know who's right, but I have noticed something about Alabama and the Bible Belt in general. Those states have the highest incarceration rates in the NATION.

And that doesn't make sense -- you'd think an area labeled the Bible Belt would have the LOWEST incarceration rates in the nation.

But looking just at Alabama -- in the last 30 years, the state's population has increased by about a third, but the prison population has increased seven times.

It could be that there is something about etching rules in stone that actually makes people want to defy them. In the Old Testament, the Israelis were CONSTANTLY violating the Ten Commandments, and they had the originals right there.

I'm not a Supreme Court justice, but could it be that the key is to have them etched not on a piece of granite, but... you know, ON THE HEART? Just a thought.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS IRAQ INSPECTORS
Moved: 11/19/2002 6:48
CBS-IRAQ INSPECTORS 11/18/2002

Truth in a box. This is DR...

The inspectors have finally returned to Iraq. Once they get their office space, and their road maps, and their credentials, they can get about the business of surprise inspections.

And we'll finally find out if Saddam is lying.

Because he's got to be lying, right? There's no way he can NOT be lying -- because if he's not lying, then everything we've been told by our OWN government would have to be a lie -- and that is not an option.

SO he HAS to be lying. However, this time Iraq is prohibited from lying. Step one is that Iraq must issue a truthful list of all its illegal weapons programs. However if it tells the truth about its illegal weapons programs, that would PROVE CONCLUSIVELY that Saddam has been lying.

So Saddam will HAVE to lie or else be exposed... as a liar!

At this point, one longs for some objective barometer of truth... and we have all seen it on TV by now. Every story about the inspectors has a shot of what looks like a fat calculator: a little box with buttons and a and a slot where you can insert a teensy little vial. You take a sample of soil or ground water, put it in the slot, and in a half hour, the display starts blinking ANTHRAX.

This is the unspoken promise: that inspectors armed with these chemical lie detectors will be able to remove the human element and tell the truth once and for all.

But if the UN's fat calculators find anthrax, I'm betting Iraq will break out its own fat calculators that will say TALCUM POWDER.

And then we have to decide whether we go to war over a readout on a fat calculator.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQ BY THE NUMBERS
Moved: 11/18/2002 8:58
CBS-IRAQ BY THE NUMBERS 11/15/2002

What will they find? This is DR...

The inspectors are on the way to Iraq, and a mathematically inclined listener named Mike suggested running some numbers to see how this might work. 

So let's assume that Iraq is prepared to comply 100%. Let's further assume that the obvious factories are turning out nothing but Barbie dolls -- and that the anthrax, the sarin, and the refined uranium have been carefully hidden.

That means the Inspectors will have to find the hiding places, presumably in those Palaces. So forget the rest of Iraq -- let's just consider the palaces.

According to news reports, just the PALACES cover 50 square kilometers, with about 1100 buildings.

That's equal to a square 4.4 miles on a side, about 81% the size of Manhattan, the equivalent of 1240 standard city blocks.

Now let's say the UN gets 300 inspectors.

If it takes 30 inspectors one day to search each block, you could search 10 blocks a day, and have all the palaces searched in ... 124 days. Except the first report is due after 60 days. 

If you cut each team to 20 inspectors, you could get that down to ... 82 days. Or you could cut each team down to 15 and be done in 62 days -- again, not counting the parts of Iraq OUTSIDE the Presidential palaces. 

Based on this, Mike says in his e-mail he's not optimistic.

To which I say -- don't be so negative, Mike! This means the report will show that Iraq is completely disarmed. That's GOOD news.

I'll be surprised if they find so much as a lawn dart.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WARNINGS
Moved: 11/18/2002 8:58
CBS-WARNINGS FILL-IN-THE-BLANKS 11/15/2002

Fill In The Banks. This is DR...

It's time for another edition of "Fill in the Blanks" where I test your knowledge of current events by asking you to fill in the ...BLANKS. 

Ready? YES. Let's go. 

The FBI today has issued another ...TERRORIST WARNING. This warning is based on increasing levels of terrorist ...CHATTER, which reveals that the attack will have two distinct characteristics: It could come ...ANYTIME, and it could be ...ANYWHERE.

It will also be directed against ... AMERICANS, ... unless... IT'S NOT.

Despite the warning, the terrorist alert level remains at...YELLOW.

Which, as we know, signifies... WAXY BUILD-UP.

At the same time, Defense Secretary Rumsfeld says that while Iraq will not turn into World War Three, it might provoke ... RETALIATION. The only unknown is ...WHAT and WHERE. Also HOW. And WHEN.

But it will all be much better when we get a ...DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY.

Provided, of course, it's not full of ...UNION MEMBERS.

Meantime, it was reported by the Associated Press that nine army linguists, including six who were trained to speak Arabic, were discharged because they were (SILENCE). Come on-- discharged because they were... (SILENCE)... because they were gay! GAY? Yes! Come on, we all know what the policy is. So let's try that again: the army linguists were discharged because they were... GAY!

Because terrorist chatter is much easier to understand if you're ... HETEROSEXUAL.

And thanks to all those heterosexual linguists, here we are with ... NO CLUE.

There you go.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQ ACCEPTS
Moved: 11/18/2002 8:58
CBS-IRAQ ACCEPTS 11/14/2002
What a nasty letter that was. This is DR...
Did you READ that letter Iraq sent to the United Nations? Iraq accepted the inspectors, but talk about a negative tone...
It accused the President of fabricating a huge "clamor"; of "wicked slander" against Iraq. It called British Prime Minister Tony Blair a "lackey" -- for claiming that Iraq might have produced nuclear weapons.
It said the American Administration has been transformed by greed and by Zionism into the tyrant of the age!
And it said the United Nations has been transformed into a "kitchen house for big power bargaining, providing cover for war, destruction, blockades, and starvation."
And then just when you begin to think Saddam is burning his bridges, the letter says we are eager to see the inspectors "perform their duties... if they do so, professionally and lawfully... the liars' lies will be exposed to public opinion..."
I think he REALLY believes the inspectors will come up empty. 
He's saying, send in the cops -- they'll won't find any weapons unless they plant them themselves.
Leaving us to wonder -- how can Iraq NOT have the weapons we KNOW it has? Saddam may be a world-class liar, but a magician, too?
Seeking any possible explanation, I finally ran across this article from the Courier-Mail of Queensland, Australia written by Chris Griffith, in September of 2001.
It says, (QUOTE) "After the Gulf war, Iraq needed to protect its chemical weapons development from US forces patrolling the Gulf... this escalated in 1997 when Iraq moved weapons it had stored in Yemen to Sudan." (UN-QUOTE)
What if Iraq's weapons ... aren't in Iraq?
Now this. 
Index 

CBS BIN LADEN
Moved: 11/13/2002 9:03
CBS-BIN LADEN 11/13/2002

Another scratchy tape. This is DR...

We have another tape of a voice sounding like Osama Bin Laden.

And now the CIA is very publicly trying to find out if it's genuine. This is puzzling. 

Why this big public push to confirm that it's him?

We've been told by our own defense secretary that it doesn't really matter whether Bin Laden is alive or dead, right?

We've also been told that these tapes could be an attack signal to all the sleeper cells out there. So why would our government want to publicly verify what COULD be an attack signal?

Why would we want to lend ANY credibility to a tape from Osama bin Laden?

And then I heard this on the news:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS-052 BIN LADEN TAPE
Time: 11s
Title: CBS-052 BIN LADEN TAPE
Out-cue: including Britain]

DOUBLY puzzling! America is the nation threatening war... so why would Bin Laden be calling for an attack on everyone BUT America? Wouldn't that just cause more nations to join us? 

And one more thing -- how come his tapes are always so scratchy? Can't he find a decent cassette machine?

The average teenager can send CD-quality MP3's around the world in a few seconds. But for some reason Bin Laden, the multi millionaire, can only get his hands on some garage-sale cassette machine so that his voice requires extensive analysis.

Well, maybe we blew up all his good ones.

It's all very odd. It almost makes you wonder whether you can believe everything you hear.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQ
Moved: 11/12/2002 8:43
CBS-IRAQ 11/12/2002

It is all SO confusing. This is DR...

The United Nations passed a resolution requiring Iraq to disarm, and imposing a Friday deadline for acceptance.

Over the weekend, various experts were predicting that Saddam Hussein would accept the resolution with its tougher weapons inspections, because he is a survivor, and knows he would not survive a war led by the US. Even Saddam's own SON is quoted as saying the resolution should be accepted.

But now, the Iraqi parliament has voted to REJECT the resolution, calling it merely a pretense for war. OK.... the Iraqi parliament is supposed to be a rubber stamp for the dictator. But if THAT'S true, why would a rubber stamp make its decision before the dictator has given it something to stamp, and number two, if it's going to pre-stamp a decision, why would it pre-stamp the OPPOSITE of what the dictator wants?

Maybe the rubber stamp parliament is undergoing a spasm of independence and is actually expressing the will of the people. But that can't be, because that would mean that the people of Iraq don't accept that we're on their side, which would undermine a big part of our moral argument [for regime change.]

Or it could mean that while disarmament really IS good for the Iraqi people, they just don't know it yet.

Or it could be that Saddam ORDERED his rubber stamp parliament to defy him so that he could appear supremely flexible when he finally accepts.

And since we all WANT him to accept, we now find ourselves actually hoping that Iraq's popular representatives are overruled, and that the dictator gets his way.

[And if he DOES accept, Saddam Hussein will suddenly become a dictator who is doing what is -- by our own definition -- what is in the best interest of his people!] 

It's all so confusing. Friday can't come soon enough.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS JACKASS
Moved: 11/11/2002 8:37
CBS-JACKASS 11/11/2002

Could this be part of the plan? This is DR...

15 year old Kelvin Wu of Issaquah, Washington is the latest kid to hurt himself imitating MTV's "Jackass." He put on a T-shirt soaked in rubbing alcohol, and set it on fire.

Last year there was the 13 year old in Connecticut who soaked his PANTS in gasoline, and let two friends set HIM on fire. There was the boy in Kentucky who was supposed to jump away as his friends drove a car straight at him, and instead broke his leg. And just last week, a police officer in San Jose put out a burning 14 year old who had soaked his sweatshirt in lighter fluid and was running down the street in flames.

Look, kids -- there's a reason the movie is called Jackass! And yet maybe, just MAYBE it is all part of The Plan.

You could argue that because of these copycat stunts, Jackass has no redeeming social value. But consider the evolutionary value.

Man must continue to evolve. And perhaps THE most important survival skill in the modern era is the ability NOT to believe everything you see on the screen.

Jackass, therefore, could be an important tool for natural selection -- a way of culling out credulous young males who actually believe what Hollywood creates.

Without this kind of natural selection, we would raise yet another generation who confuse entertainment with reality -- a generation who might choose candidates based on TV ads; who might believe a speech simply because stirring music and slow-motion flags were added in post-production.

So ... dangerous to individuals, yes. But Jackass might just insure our survival as a species.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ATHEIST SAT
Moved: 11/8/2002 11:07
CBS-ATHEIST 11/08/2002

How do these things happen? This is DR...

Darrell Lambert of Bremerton, Washington, a Eagle Scout, with 30 Merit Badges, has been officially kicked out of the Boy Scouts for not believing in God. 

He'd been a Scout since age 9, and everything was fine until he found himself at a leadership training seminar discussing atheists, and it became clear he was one.

Mr. Lambert says the decision shows just how inconsistent the scouts are:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>SCOUT-A-5
Time: 8s
Title: Darrell Lambert
Out-cue: physical fitness.]

But fitness can be hard to define. Proving you're an atheist is easy -- especially when you come out and say you are one.

No question the scouts discriminate against atheists. They also discriminate against girls, and against anyone who doesn't like neckerchiefs.

But how do these things happen -- not the discrimination - what I mean is, how do you get to be an Eagle Scout and not know how the Boy Scouts feel about God?

It's in the Scout oath, it's in the Scout law, it's on the membership applications.

All they asked him to do was express a belief in a higher power. Belief in Mother nature would suffice they said. Heck, the might have accepted the UN Security Council. But no.

Mr Lambert believes we need young people with minds of their own. And yes we absolutely do. But the question you have to ask is, why would an independent thinker join an organization where everyone dresses alike and has to carry 50 cents and a band-aid? Join a book club. Join the libertarians.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS UN RESOLUTION
Moved: 11/8/2002 11:07
CBS-UN RESOLUTION 11/08/2002

Unanimous. This is DR.

The U-N Security Council, has voted 15-0 to approve the resolution calling on Iraq to disarm or face ''serious consequences.'' Russia voted yes. SYRIA voted yes. Even FRANCE voted yes!

I have two questions -- but first, let me read excerpts from this resolution...

Iraq has 30 days to provide a "currently accurate, full, and complete declaration of all aspects of its programmes to develop chemical, biological, and nuclear weapons, ballistic missiles...unmanned aerial vehicles and dispersal systems.

After that, Iraq must provide inspectors immediate, unimpeded, unconditional, and unrestricted access to any and all - including underground - areas, facilities, buildings, equipment, records... INCLUDING presidential palaces. 

Inspectors then have 60 days from their arrival to report back to the Security Council.

And it gives Iraq ONE WEEK to confirm its intention to comply fully with this resolution. 

If this sounds somewhat assertive, let's rememeber that on September 17th, Iraqi Foreign Affairs Minister Naji Sabri sent a letter to the U.N. which said (QUOTE): I am pleased to inform you of the decision of the Government of the Republic of Iraq to allow the return of the United Nations weapons inspectors to Iraq without conditions. 

So question number one... for the Iraqi leadership: what part of "give up" do you not understand?

Question number two... for Americans. Superpower though we may be, doesn't it feel a little better to have the support of a few more countries besides Britain?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS REPUBLICANS
Moved: 11/6/2002 8:44
CBS-REPUBLICANS 11/06/2002

Clarity at last. This is DR...

We have just witnessed an historic election -- the first election in recent memory where networks had to wait for ACTUAL VOTE COUNTS before calling races.

Voters News Service announced its exit polling system wasn't working, which meant that they couldn't make the huge embarrassing mistakes that made the 2000 election so entertaining. But we managed to get the results just the same, and unlike the 2000 election, there was clarity. The President made it a referendum on his first two years, and Republicans won outright control ... not only winning a clear majority in the Senate, but actually picking up seats in the House in a mid-term election!

The Democrats tried -- they tried to make the economy the issue. Some of them tried to offer a dissenting voice on Iraq. They tried to bring back Walter Mondale. But it didn't work.

The voters were clearly tired of giving the White House to one party and Congress to another. They wanted clarity.

And so now the Senate Democrats go back to the sidelines. No committees to chair, no agendas to set, no coalitions to assemble: basically they're just up there doing what their House counterparts have been doing since 1994, handing out visitors tickets for the galleries.

It means the approach to terrorism will be a Republican approach. It means the economic recovery plan will be a Republican economic recovery plan. And it means the Democrats can only sigh for what might have been. Although I wonder if they're sighs of frustration -- or relief.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ELECTION
Moved: 11/5/2002 8:35
CBS-ELECTION 11/05/2002

Is voting really important. This is DR...

Every year at this time, someone gets on the air to harangue you about voting. They try to shame you. They say things like, "If you don't vote, you can't complain."

hey give you pep talks about how your vote is important, because elections could be decided by ONE vote. Well, yes, they could be, if we're talking about the Menlo Park City Council. But the big national elections are decided by at least 537 votes.

So let's be straight. The direction of the country is not determined by one election. The two parties are very similar. Both are ready for war; neither one is going to dismantle big chunks of the government.

But your vote does decide ONE thing you can take to the bank. It decides who gets called by the pollsters.

Ask yourself: before any important national decision, what happens? There's a poll, right? Gallup, Roper, Zogby -- they start making thousands of calls. And who do these pollsters call? They call "likely voters." As in people who vote each year.

And when that phone rings, each of these likely voters suddenly becomes very powerful.

Because politicians can ignore calls and e-mails -- but they can't ignore the polls. The election only shows what the voters thought on election day. The polls show what they're thinking NOW -- when the decision has to be made.

So THERE'S your reason to vote: to get yourself on that list of likely voters, the ones they call up for the polls.

Electing competent representatives is important. But when your phone rings the week before that big decision? That's the REAL power.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS VOTE 11/04/2002
Moved: 11/4/2002 8:48
CBS-VOTE 11/04/2002

It's the most wonderful time of the year... This is DR....

...Because it's the time of year that all sorts of very important people want to talk to me. Who am I -- an unremarkable middle-class voter. Yet just this weekend, our house has gotten calls from a Senator, a member of the State Troopers Association, the Realtors, TWO local politicians AND the Sierra Club.

We don't even bother sitting down any more, we just stand as a family by the phone.

We want to get those calls on the first ring. Because that ring is not just a telephone. It's Democracy calling! It means that somewhere there was a computer that cared enough about my vote to dial me at random and play a heartfelt taped message.

For me! When a computer takes the time to do that for me -- it's like I become part of the social embrace. That computer could have been doing so many other things -- flagging suspicious charges on my VISA account, sending me a pop-up ad, printing out a contest mailer. But NO! It cares so much about my vote that it took those precious milliseconds to generate MY phone number.

Do you understand how -- in this world where so little seems to go right -- how many of us CRAVE this personal contact?

Ring telephone! Ring again! Tell me one more time how important my vote is! Tell me how the future is in my hands and no one else's. Tell me how, if I don't vote the right way, terrorists will sneak into the sewers and enter our homes through bathtub drains.

Ring again! Because I just saw a report saying fewer than 40% of the eligible voters are expected to vote. Are they not home? Somebody page them!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS COLOSSUS
Moved: 11/1/2002 8:51
CBS-COLOSSUS 11/01/2002

The colossus. This is DR...

Robert Dietz and Christy Klein used to work as Insurance adjusters for Farmers Insurance. Later this month, they are scheduled to appear at a seminar for the Washington State Trial Lawyers association to talk about insurance claims.

But their old employer has now filed a suit to gag them. Farmers claims that the two could undermine the company by sharing trade secrets about a system called Colossus.

I read this in the paper and I said, "Colossus -- what is this?"

Well, according to the story, Colossus, is a little-known computer program that automatically decides how much an injury is worth. It's described in the story as (QUOTE) an artificial intelligence program designed to mimic the human thought process."

And it turns out that Farmers isn't the only company that uses it -- Aetna, the Hartford, and Allstate -- they all have an assist from Colossus.

Now I know nothing about the legal merits of this case. Maybe there's nothing wrong with insurance claims being settled by a program called "Colossus."

It's just that -- you'd never know it from the commercials.

In fact, of all the insurance commercials I've seen, I can't recall one of them that says my claim will be determined by a computer called "Colossus."

I thought claims were determined by friendly people in suits who show up practically as you're being cut from the wreckage with a smile and a check.

If it's actually a computer who deserves the credits they should at least show little laptops sprinting to the scene of the accident.

Let's give credit where credit is due.

Now this 
Index 

CBS GUN STOLEN
Moved: 11/1/2002 8:05
CBS-GUN STOLEN 11/01/2002

Now they think the gun may have been STOLEN from the gun shop. This is DR...

Since the arrest of the two sniper suspects, federal agents have been trying to figure out how they got the Bushmaster rifle which is now linked to crimes in FIVE states -- Louisiana being the latest. 

The reason they want to find out is that John Muhammed had a protection order against him, and wasn't allowed to buy a gun. We have laws to stop bad people from buying guns, because as you know, there are no bad GUNS, only bad PEOPLE. 

So the feds were able to trace the good gun to the good people at Bull's Eye Shooter Supply in Tacoma, which, as it turned out, could not produce a sales record.

But the gun shop owner said he was a good guy -- kept good paperwork; the gun must have been stolen by bad guys. SO agents checked further and they found the gun CASE, but no gun, indicating that indeed it MAY have been stolen by bad guys, maybe even employees of the shop. Apparently the good employees don't take regular inventory of the good guns.

One theory is that the bad employee could have sold the good gun at a gun show.

But the gun shows are run by good people, and they have good rules requiring background checks so that only good people are allowed in. And since only good people are allowed in, there would be no need to check the serial numbers of the guns to make sure they're not stolen.

Because even if you had a bad guy selling a bad gun, he would be selling it at a good gun show to a good person who would only use it for good reasons.

You know ... I get the feeling that the ATF may just be wasting its time. 

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS HAITIANS
Moved: 10/31/2002 8:38
CBS-HAITIANS 10/31/2002

Desperate people on rickety boats. This is DR...

-- Hundreds of impoverished Haitians jumping off a grounded boat to get to America.

It was one of those scenes that in earlier times would remind us just how lucky we are to live here. But now, it also reminds that even the mighty US Coast Guard is no match for desperate people on rickety boats.

The Haitians have gotten a lot of sympathy in South Florida -- but we all know that if they're allowed to stay, others will follow, and salted among them may be people who are not quite as benign.

What to do? Make them NOT want to come to America in the first place. And there's only one humane way to do that -- bring America to them.

Buy a patch of land somewhere outside Port au Prince, and set up Little America. 

I'm betting the land is cheap. Bill it to the national security account.

Picture it! Little America! A place with clean little Jimmy Carter habitat homes, modest but competent schools, friendly policemen who give junior a friendly tap on the shoulder when he's late for dinner, a few malt shops, and of course, giant factories where minimum wage workers can turn out shoes and dress shirts. 

Sure it's exploitation. But it's better than a dollar a day -- and no regime change necessary! It's just another private enterprise -- Little America Incorporated.

Build it, put a sturdy little fence around it, and wait. Within a day, the fence would be ripped down, the factories filled. And those rickety boats would remain tied up and empty. Unless some of the people who came here decide to float back.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GUNSHOP
Moved: 10/30/2002 8:41
CBS-GUNSHOP 10/30/2002

Oh, that annoying paperwork. This is DR...

Last week, I was dreaming aloud of a world where, if a crook fired a gun, and you could examine the bullet fragments, the markings would lead you to a serial number, which could lead you to the gun shop, whose sales records could lead you to the suspect -- so that you could make an arrest just a LITTLE faster than waiting for the suspect to call the police up and scold them for not catching him.

Since then I've gotten numerous e-mails from my gundamentalist friends who think I'm a gun grabber. They say "Dave, those bullet marks are unreliable, they change with every shot, and the gun barrels can be doctored with a nail file."

OK! I get the message! I would just point out that those bullet marks are the best evidence linking Muhammed and Malvo to these shootings. So I guess you guys will be testifying for the DEFENSE, right?

And then there's the other comment I get which is, "Dave, do you really think the bad guys are going to have paperwork?"

Well, you got me there.

We know the sniper's gun was originally shipped to Bull's Eye Shooters Supply in Tacoma. But Bull's Eye can't find the sales record for that gun. Indeed, the Seattle Times reports that there are many as 340 missing guns with no sales records.

So, you got me. There's no paperwork. Although AMAZINGLY, the problem seems to be not with the suspect, but with the gunshop.

Wait. What am I saying! No responsible gunshop would lose records... the records must have been ... stolen by terrorists! Or ... vaporized by a beam from the planet Konrac. There you go.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MUHAMMAD SLOW
Moved: 10/30/2002 8:41
CBS-MUHAMMAD 10/29/2002

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of [*] News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>z-NEWS REAL SLOW
Time: 12s
Title: NEWS READ REAL SLOW THEME
Out-cue: ]

News Read Real Slow, because sometimes the news is easier to understand when you read it... Real Slow.

Subject: the accused snipers.

John Allen Muhammad and Lee Boyd Malvo are now suspected of yet ANOTHER murder.

Police in Tacoma suspect them of using a .45 caliber pistol to shoot a young woman as she answered her door last Februrary:

They also suspect them of using a .44 caliber Magnum to fire two rounds through a window at a synagogue last May. 

Tacoma Police Chief David Brame said the break in the case was when a citizen came forward to admit he had befriended the pair:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>sniper 2
Time: 6s
Title: CHIEF BRAME
Out-cue: AT HOME]

OK. Let's take that REAL SLOW:

"He allowed them to borrow his weapons."

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>z-NEWS REAL SLOW SHORT BED
Time: 4s
Title: z-NEWS REAL SLOW SHORT BED
Out-cue: ]

Now, I can understand lending someone your lawn mower. Or even your cordless reversible drill. But a .45!? "Hey can I borrow your .45 just in case I need to shoot something on the way to the store?"

But you see, that was the BASIS of the friendship:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>sniper 1
Time: 5s
Title: Chief Brame
Out-cue: in firearms]

I guess we're lucky they didn't share a mutual interest in car bombs. "Sure! Borrow my detonator! What are friends for?"

Yes, sometimes, the News needs to be read... REAL SLOW.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>z-NEWS REAL SLOW
Time: 12s
Title: NEWS READ REAL SLOW THEME
Out-cue: ]

Now this! 
Index 

CBS DAYS OFF
Moved: 10/30/2002 8:41
CBS-DAYS OFF 10/28/2002

Do we not deserve a break? This is DR...

With the sniper suspects under arrest, and two states fighting over who can execute them the fastest, I think we can now take a little break from that particular story.

In fact I think that more than any other nation America needs a break in general, except we are the LEAST likely nation on earth to get it. Two weeks paid vacation compared to the SIX weeks typical in Europe.

We work an average of 237.5 days a year according to the census bureau, which is more than even the JAPANESE. And THEY'VE managed to build a hybrid car that gets 50 miles a gallon!

Oh, our productivity is number 1 in the world -- or at least it was before universal shoe inspections -- but we can't enjoy it because after working 237.5 days a year we have to spend the other 127.5 days of the year watching former generals explain who wants to blow us up or gas us or shoot us THIS week.

And just try to find a politician promising more time off. They promise better missile systems, tougher shoe inspections, but time off? Never.

Well don't tell the terrorists, but I saw in the paper today that John DeGraf, a producer at a public television station in Seattle, has been circulating an e-mail to set aside October 24th each year as "Take Back Your Time Day."

That's exactly nine weeks before the end of the year, to symbolize how much more time off Europeans typically get. Ah, nice try John - but it's doomed. 

Because we're the big superpower that has to save civilization yet again. So that civilization can continue getting three times as much paid vacation as we do.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SNIPER FRI
Moved: 10/30/2002 8:41
CBS-SNIPER FRIDAY 10/25/2002

Could anything have stopped them sooner? This is DR...

For all the good police work, the sniper suspects are under arrest today for two reasons: They were sloppy and they were stupid. Sloppy because one of them dropped a magazine with a fingerprint at an Alabama crime scene; stupid because it was their own calls that prompted the police to check that print again.

So -- what might have stopped them sooner?

We know from the beginning that the cops were doing ballistics fingerprinting on the bullets -- they easily matched the bullets to each other.

What they COULDN'T do was match it to a gun. 

Once they found the suspects and got the gun, then they were able to look at the serial number and determine where was sold.

It turns out Muhammed didn't steal the gun, but bought it legally and filled out the forms accurately.

Now imagine if every rifle sold in this country had a bullet-print on file.

The very first bullet fragment recovered could have been matched to the Bushmaster .223. The police would call Bushmaster with the serial number of the gun. Bushmaster would tell the police what gun shop it was sold to. The police would go to the gunshop and get the firearm transfer form.

The firearm transfer form would have the name, address, date of birth, and driver's license number of the purchaser. And from that license number you could get a photograph.

Wow -- name, address, date of birth, picture? That would give the police would have one hell of a profile to follow, wouldn't it? And without even watching cable.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS SNIPER CAUGHT
Moved: 10/30/2002 8:40
CBS-SNIPER CAUGHT 10/24/2002

The duck may not have slipped the noose this time. This is DR...

A sniper forcing a police chief to read a line from a folk tale. When you get a case this weird the reaction is always to try to figure out what dark thoughts were going on in the killer's mind.

The newspapers are already filling with every recoverable nugget on the two sniper suspects, inviting us to find any red flags in their personalities.

We've heard that the two made sympathetic comments about the September 11th hijackers. We've heard that one of the suspects, John Allen Muhammed, was a control freak, had several failed marriages, converted to Islam, taught martial arts, fought in the Gulf War, was disenchanted with the military. Eventually someone will discover that as a child he was spanked for spilling his milk -- all of which will make for an interesting book some day. 

But what do you learn from this -- besides that there are some really screwed up people in the world?

I don't care about his dark thoughts; I want to know what enabled him to ACT on them. I want to know how he got that gun. Legally or illegally.

People against gun fingerprinting say you can change the print by filing the barrel. 
OK. But did THIS guy do it?

We're told his service in the army did not involve sniper training. So how DID he train? We heard that the FBI hauled away a stump with bullet fragments from a backyard in Tacoma. How do you use a stump for target practice in the middle of a city and not get arrested? Or at least cited for disturbing the peace?

Whatever dark Anti American thoughts he might have had -- what we have to find out is how he turned them into action. And follow the facts wherever they lead.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SNIPER WEDS
Moved: 10/23/2002 7:43
CBS-SNIPER-WEDS 10/23/2002

America gets angry. This is DR...

The Sniper wants ten million dollars wired to a bank account.

He expects a nation that has spent the last 13 months cutting off funding for terrorists stand by while he's wired ten million dollars.

Right!

And that line about how "your children are not safe." It's intended to scare people, but they were already scared. I think now they're ANGRY. And I think that pretty soon, this on-air groveling to a killer who threatens children is going to wear thin.

So, given that the police want to keep communication open with this guy, and must therefore be very careful not to disrespect him, how do we remain patient.

We have to tell ourselves that much more than we know is going on behind the scenes. We have to tell ourselves that just off-camera there are spy planes looking for muzzle flashes, drones with night-scopes, and undercover sniper-hunters lurking in the woods.

We have to tell ourselves that the spy satellites will, if necessary, take a break from scanning Iraq and scan Montgomery County. That, if necessary, they'll turn the Hubbell Space telescope around, because if we can get pictures of galaxies millions of light years away, we ought to get a pretty decent picture of Georgia Avenue.

We have to assume all this is going on because if it isn't, people won't just be angry at the sniper.

The President just signed a defense bill that spends 355 billion dollars, including 58 billion for advanced weaponry to keep America secure. He signed it a few miles from where voters are deliberately zig-zagging as they walk through the parking deck.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SNIPER TUES
Moved: 10/22/2002 7:51
CBS-SNIPER TUES 10/22/2002

With a Capital "S". This is DR...

He now goes simply by the generic term. The Sniper. Capital "S." In a way that's encouraging because it implies a collective conclusion that there is only one. But at the same time, it also reminds us how much power one man can get if he wants it.

He communicating now, which is good because he's taking a risk. Unlike bullets, phone calls can be traced. If he wants money, money can be tagged. But he could elect to stop communicating at any time, and never be caught.

In the meantime, all of us in the media have become willing accomplices. We could ignore the story. We could let people try to figure out for themselves why traffic was suddenly stopped, why the schools are locked down, we COULD go on the air only when the police have a message to send -- but that goes against everything we've been taught.

SO as a result you see the cable networks doing what every they can to fill the holes between news conferences. I saw a doctor on CNN, using a life-size medical school model to show what happens when a bullet tears through internal organs. 

It's happening again! Our own system is being used against us!

The Sniper, capital "S," has chosen the tools he knows our society can't touch. 

We have witnessed other common items turned to terrorist purposes: the airplane. The high rise. The truck bomb. But those require a team and a plan.

For this, all you need are two readily available tools: a high powered gun, and a TV set. 

And in America, not only are your tools readily available -- they are both constitutionally protected.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SNIPER VAN
Moved: 10/21/2002 8:01
CBS-SNIPER VAN 10/21/2002

So many questions. This is DR...

This morning, we saw a white van towed away from a phone booth in Richmond, Virginia. We don't know what it means.

The police sent another message to the sniper that they are (QUOTE) "preparing our response at this time." We don't know what that means.

We don't know whether we're dealing with a nut, al Qaeda, or some free lance terrorist.

While we wait to find out, there's a debate over gun fingerprinting, with the usual people making the usual arguments. Senator Charles Schumer thinks it's a good idea; Wayne LaPierre, executive director of the NRA thinks it's a useless idea.

There was a debate over the surveillance plane that was called in to try to pick up a muzzle flash, and whether or not it was an assault on freedom.

There's a daily debate in Maryland and Virginia about whether it's safe to pump gas, or stand next to your car in a parking deck, or hold a high school football game.

There have been highway checkpoints, huge traffic jams, meticulous searches by dozens of officers in slow marches across lawns and through woods, and of course, 9 bodies.

There is only one thing that no one debates because it's so obvious: that the source of this person's power, the only reason we take him seriously, is that he has a gun and knows how to use it.

No need for specialized aluminum tubes, or buried factories in the desert, or legions of furtive scientists.

Just... a guy with a gun. Which leads us to the one answer we DO have.

Question: How can we prevent this from happening again?

Answer: We can't.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS VATICAN
Moved: 10/21/2002 5:23
CBS-VATICAN 10/18/2002

The Vatican looks for more flexibility for accused priests. This is DR.

There is outrage among some catholics over the Vatican's decision to veto parts of the tough sex abuse policy adopted last June by US bishops.

The bishops adopted a ZERO tolerance policy in cases of verifiable sexual abuse by priests.... one strike, and you're out of active ministry.

But the Vatican rejected that, saying some parts of it conflict with universal church law. The Vatican letter didn't list which parts of the policy are in conflict with universal church law.

But the implication is pretty clear: the concept of zero tolerance for sexual abuse is actually STRICTER than church law.

Which causes me to pose the following question. Does this signal a wider flexibility on the part of the Vatican?

If church law allows flexibility when it comes to priests facing credible allegations of something as awful as sexual abuse of a child or teenager, might church law also be more flexible than we thought on matters such as birth control...

Or divorce? Or married priests? Or female priests?

That may seem like a stretch. But can you imagine the Vatican looking for a way to protect the rights of priests who have molested children; looking for ways that such priests might be protected by universal church law, and yet being inflexible on these other matters involving people who have committed no crime? 
Index 

CBS NORTH KOREA2
Moved: 10/18/2002 10:34
CBS-NORTH KOREA2 10/18/2002

If you build it, we won't come. This is DR...

So you've heard that that North Korea has now acknowledged having a nuke program. And you've also heard that we're not going to do anything about it right away. As the defense secretary explained, we're not even going to send inspectors in:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>rumsfeld
Time: 6s
Title: rumsfeld
Out-cue: ]

He's got a point. What's the point of being a big tough weapons inspector if the rogue nation cheerfully escorts you to the silos without a fight?

So let's try to understand where we are.

We have have two rogue nations: over here, North Korea, with evidence of a nuclear weapons program and very likely in possession of working weapons, and which is more than happy to admit it has weapons; and over HERE, Iraq, without clear evidence that they HAVE a nuclear program, and unwilling to admit a darn thing.

Both nations are dictatorships. Both nations have a history of firing on US forces. Both nations have been working on long-range missiles to deliver whatever weapons they have.

But Iraq, the one whose nukes are in doubt, faces forced inspections on pain of invasion; while North Korea, whose nukes are NOT in doubt, faces no invasion, no inspections, and basically nothing more than a flurry of sharply-worded diplomatic memos.

It is a crazy planet we've landed on, isn't it? That even as try to do the right thing and rid the world of nukes the message we are actually sending to the rogue nations is:

If you build it, we won't come.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NORTH KOREA
Moved: 10/17/2002 8:15
CBS-NORTH KOREA 10/17/2002

North Korea says "pre-empt THIS." This is DR...

I think I know why we're learning today that North Korea has been pursuing nuclear weapons.

I think it's because of a little quip I made yesterday.

Yesterday, talking about the sniper and the use of military planes to try to find him, I said aloud and I quote myself:

"The way I look at it, we're finally getting our money's worth. We've spent more than 65 billion dollars on a National Missile Defense system which still isn't ready for deployment.

Maybe we can salvage some of that technology for a National Bullet Defense system, which as it turns out, is what we really need right now."

I think that someone in the administration heard that and said, uh oh, he's right, we better do something.

So they released the information they'd been sitting on -- that 12 days ago, North Korea, confronted by US evidence, admitted they have a nuclear program.

That's only a theory; I can't confirm it. I would just point out that the new Defense budget includes another 7.4 BILLION dollars for those missiles, and voters MIGHT wonder what they're getting for that. Voters might note that a even a working missile defense system wouldn't stop the hijackers, truck bombers, and snipers who've been monopolizing the fall TV season.

But with the revelation that North Korea is on the verge of nukes, now those questions are neatly pre-empted. Touche!

Except -- if we're about to go after Iraq for possibly building nukes, shouldn't we be going after North Korea for DEFINITELY building them?

And what if the axis of evil is cleverer than we thought? Distracting us with one dictator, while the other sneaks up from behind?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SNIPER DILEMMA
Moved: 10/17/2002 6:02
CBS-SNIPER DILEMMA 10/16/2002

All the king's horses. This is DR...

High-tech military surveillance planes will join the search for the "Monday Thru Friday sniper" -- military reconnaissance flights, not over some foreign territory but over US territory.

Something has to be done because it's distracting the whole country. 

There was the President, in the East Room, telling everybody once again how scary Iraq is. But with each new shooting, Iraq drops a notch on the Scare-o-Meter.

Some of my gundamentalist friends are worried about those military surveillance planes. But what else can you do? 

You can't can't just go around stopping people with rifles. Weapons inspections are for other countries, not us.

In fact, with no good description of the vehicle or the sniper or the rifle, even if the shooter WAS stopped with his weapon, as long as it was in its case, with the right paperwork, the cops would have to let him go.

We also have to face the fact that sniper training is easy to get. I found a school that, will "train you to hit what you see on the first shot, from wherever you stand sit or lay" to quote from the web page. $600.

It's intended for legitimate hunters.

Just as flight schools are intended only for legitimate pilots.

So there you are. What else can you do but call out the high tech planes?

The way I look at it, we're finally getting our money's worth. We've spent more than 65 billion dollars on a National Missile Defense system which still isn't ready for deployment.

Maybe we can salvage some of that technology for a National Bullet Defense system, which as it turns out, is what we really need right now.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS LONGSHORE
Moved: 10/15/2002 7:43
CBS-LONGSHORE 10/14/2002

Don't blame the union. This is Dave Ross

There were more accusations over the weekend that the Longshoremen aren't working fast enough to get through the backlog from the lockout.

So up and down the West Coast, the union invited reporters to the docks:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Long0
Time: 6s
Title: Long0
In-cue: Rudy Finney
Out-cue: ]

So I went up in the cab with Dick, a crane operator, who can load a container in 90 seconds:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Long1
Time: 5s
Title: Dick in Crane
Out-cue: With us]

I went on a ship with Dale, a stevedore who lashes the containers with 80-pound steel rods:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>long2
Time: 9s
Title: Dale the Stevedore
Out-cue: the new technology]

There was Joe, who drives the strad -- the moveable lifter that can raise a truck container four stories high. He moved six of them while we talked. And he wants to keep moving them:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Long4
Time: 5s
Title: Long4 Joe Peters
Out-cue: Button Pusher]

But the button pushers are coming, and Rudy Finney, spokesman for the local, says that's fine -- as long as they're in the union:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Long5
Time: 11s
Title: Rudy Finney
Out-cue: the ONLY fight]

Well, there might be ONE other fight -- if the shipping companies try to bring in non-union workers:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Long6
Time: 8s
Title: Long6 Rudy Finney
Out-cue: disintegrate this union]

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS SADDAM ELECTION
Moved: 10/15/2002 7:43
CBS-SADDAM 10/15/2002

Rallying around the leader. This is DR...

Here it is, the big Iraqi election, where Iraqis get to vote Saddam, Yes or No!

Pollsters are predicting a resounding victory for the reclusive dictator, a victory assured by the novel election practice of numbering ballots with the voter's national ID number.

This apparently has allowed Saddam to run a remarkably cost-effective campaign. He hasn't had to buy a single ad!

No one will whine about voter apathy, no one will complain that there's nobody worth voting for, no one will demand a recount, no one will appeal it to the Supreme Court -- just a quick clean election.

We're all making fun of it, because it IS ridiculous -- and yet -- the Iraqi approach addresses everything we seem to hate about our own elections, doesn't it?

No negative ads, no one complaining how hard it is to get to the polls on a Tuesday. No need to lecture anyone about their civic responsibility. No annoying protestors in the streets, and no recounts.

You may ask, why even bother to hold such a charade? Why hold an election with only one name on the ballot?

Well, to show anyone calling for regime change that you can't separate the leader from the people.

And that part may be more than just a charade.

Because people are people -- and when a nation is worried about an attack, it tends to rally behind its leaders. In fact, we went through a similar exercise last week, didn't we? It came in the form of a very complex resolution; carefully written, and widely debated; but everybody knew that the fundamental question was actually very simple: Do you trust George W. Bush, yes, or no?

And the nation, worried about an attack, answered yes.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NOBEL
Moved: 10/11/2002 7:50
CBS-NOBEL 10/11/2002

Money for Peace. This is DR...

Former President Jimmy Carter has won the Nobel peace prize for devoting his ex-presidency to solving conflicts around the world.

But he won it for another reason too.

The chairman of the Nobel Committee wasn't the least bit subtle: the prize, he said "should be interpreted as a criticism of the line that the current administration has taken." In other words, take that, Mr. Bush.

The implication is that all you need for peace to prevail is more Jimmy Carters.

But Anwar Sadat, Menachem Begin, Shimon Peres, Yitzhak Rabin, even Yasser Arafat have all received Nobel Peace Prizes for their efforts in the Middle East. Where's the peace?

On the same day it was announced Jimmy Carter would be getting a million bucks for promoting peace, Israel announced the arrest of a man who's been handing out checks from Iraq to the families of suicide bombers. See? Iraq and other countries have their own prize committee. And it ain't about peace.

Others have won the peace prize for working to eliminate weapons of mass destruction. And yet here we are, after 11 years still trying to get Iraq to eliminate its weapons of mass destruction.

And one of the reasons it's taken so long is that if peace-lovers in Iraq dare to stand up and blow the whistle on the hiding places, they get shot.

This is what's so frustrating about being a peace-lover. You may get a handshake from Jimmy Carter, but after he leaves, three gunmen will jump out of a car and re-educate you at close range .

So yes, it's true that the world needs more Jimmy Carters. But it also needs fewer Saddam Husseins.

Now this... 
Index 

CBS SNIPER
Moved: 10/11/2002 7:50
CBS-SNIPER 10/10/02

Call it what it is. This is DR...

The shooter targeting random people near the beltway has been called a sniper, but we might as well face the fact that what we have here is not just a sniper, but a terrorist.

If this isn't terrorism, then the word has lost all meaning. It doesn't matter that he seems to have no demands. In fact, demands would actually make it easier to deal with -- provide a clue on how not to be a target. But there's nothing.

We all develop psychological tricks forcoping with fear. We develop ways of telling ourselves why the same thing couldn't happen to us.

When you hear about a horrible car accident, you tell yourself, well, I can slow down.

With the average crazed killer you can tell yourself, all I have to do is not be a prostitute, or not get into a pickup truck with a stranger, or not hang around in the parking lot after the bar close, or not show the wrong colors in the wrng neighborhood.

But with something like this, a potential victim is anybody who STANDS STILL for a split second. There is no control. 

This is a terrorist who is exploiting a fact that all of us know: that in America, high-powered rifles are posted on the Internet. About $600 plus shipping. Almost anybody can buy one. No way to trace them. That's our right, and the Attorney General would tell you its every bit as fundamental to our system as free speech.

With this case, about the only reassuring thing you can tell yourself is... at least we don't live near the Beltway. Unless you do live near hte Beltway, in which case you tell yourself: keep moving.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DASCHLE
Moved: 10/10/2002 12:28
CBS-DASCHLE 10/10/2002

Senator Daschle votes yes. This is DR...

For weeks he was America's number one dissenter. Democrat Tom Daschle, majority leader of the Senate: but today he announced he would JOIN the president, and vote to give him the power to go to war against Iraq.

It was one of the stranger endorsements, because after announcing he would vote yes, he proceeded to list the reasons why war was bad idea:

He implied the president wasn't being honest about the cost. He said the president had made this look like a personal vendetta against Saddam. He worried that a war could actually make terrorism worse.

I began to wonder if he really was voting yes, or just joking.

But I think that a lot of Americans find themselves in exactly the same situation.

We're on the verge of going to war. That means blowing up things and killing people. It will be done in OUR name.

And unlike people who live in dictatorships, we can't tell ourselves that the government doesn't reflect our views. It does. We have the vote. The decisions of our government are a direct outgrowth of our participation -- or, lack of participation.

So of COURSE we're uncomfortable: especially when the a decision to go to war is based on what an enemy MIGHT do.

But in the end we have to acknowledge one fact. That if the Good Guys hesitate to fight, the Bad Guys won't. Evil doesn't respect parliamentary procedure.

Just cross your fingers that a few more of the Good Guys figure that out before the missiles fly. Cross your fingers too that we remember who we are under the war paint.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MARYLAND GUN
Moved: 10/10/2002 12:28
CBS-MARYLAND GUN 10/09/2002 

Another wacko. This is DR...

Well, it looks like we have a bonafide wacko, or at least someone who wants us to think he's a wacko.

The Maryland sniper left a message straight from wacko land, which in deference to the wishes of law enforcement I won't repeat -- but beyond that, there isn't much: except a shell casing.

Let's go to the forensic microscope and zoom in on that shell casing: 10X, 50X, 100X. Look at that. 

I quote from the Washington Post article: "The brass casing could... have marks left by the weapon's extractor ... and the firing pin. Such marks on casings ejected from the same rifle would be nearly identical."

Cool!

If only you could TEST FIRE a gun before sale and keep a record of those unique markings. 

Well, it turns out you can. In fact, it turns out Maryland REQUIRES IT. New guns in Maryland come with a sealed container holding a spent casing from that gun. When the gun is sold, that spent casing, with its unique marks, goes to the state police.

But that wouldn't help in this case. Because the law applies only to handguns, not high-powered rifles.

And all you have to do to avoid the system is not buy your gun in Maryland.

And even if EVERY state did this, the only way it would do any good would be if you registered guns. And that, as we've been told so many times, would infringe on individual freedom. 

No one wants to do that. And so, in Montgomery County, parents are free... to play secret service agent to their kids, teachers are free... to keep the classroom shades drawn, and kids are free... to spend recess indoors.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BUSH
Moved: 10/9/2002 7:35
CBS-BUSH 10/08/2002

Killing the snake. This is DR...

The day began with Republican Dick Armey, who had been AGAINST a war resolution, changing his mind:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>armey
Time: 7s
Out-cue: ]

But while Dick Armey was NOW READY TO KILL the snake, the President was saying the snake might be allowed to slither away.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bushcbs5
Time: 3s
Title: bushcbs5
Out-cue: but it may]

It MAY require military action.

And who would sponsor that military action? It's not just US anymore:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>buschcbs1
Time: 2s
Title: buschcbs1
Out-cue: coalition to disarm him]

There will be a COALITION with us now. We'll have allies:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bushcbs2
Time: 4s
Title: bushcbs2
Out-cue: we will prevail]

And those allies will be with us for the duration:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bushcbs3
Time: 7s
Title: bushcbs3
Out-cue: rebuild their economy]

None of this is in the current wording of the resolution, but it WAS in the speech: that we are part of a coalition and we WILL rebuild Iraq. And the President emphasized that we may not have to go in at all:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bushiraq4
Time: 6s
Title: bushiraq4
Out-cue: or unavoidable]

Rather, the resolution would tell all nations that the United States speaks with one voice. He's saying that a strong resolution -- giving the green light for a war -- might be the best way to avoid one.

I detect a change in tone. Remember the speech two weeks ago in Houston:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush
Time: 4s
Title: bush HOUSTON fund raiser Sept 26, 2002
Out-cue: dad at one itme]

But that was then. Now we're cool, we're calm, we're passing a resolution that may not even be used.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS LONGSHORE
Moved: 10/7/2002 7:40
CBS-LONGSHORE 10/07/2002

America under a trade embargo. This is DR...

The Longshore union has turned down the shippers latest contract offer. So the lockout will continue, West Coast ports remain closed, and now it starts to get serious. Factories that make cars and planes are facing shutdowns. Farmers trying to export their crops will watch them rot. And toy stores waiting for those imports from Taiwan are worried there'll be no Christmas this year.

You have the Pacific Maritime Association, representing shipping lines, saying the last thing it ever wanted was to shutdown the ports -- and yet that's exactly what they did.

You have the Union saying it's ready to unload the ships if the shippers would only unlock the gates, and yet the last time the shippers DID unlock the gates there was a sudden shortage of skilled labor at some docks and the workers who DID show up had developed a new respect for the speed limit signs.

Well, I don't know who's telling the truth, but I'll tell you what's strange -- for 11 years, we've been trying to surround IRAQ with a trade embargo, and it's been like a sieve. Iraqis can buy clothes, cars, DVDs, PLUS, as we've been told over and over, the military has managed to get precision industrial parts that have put it on the very CUSP of building a nuclear weapon.

But here in America, we're two weeks into a Longshore lockout, and we can't even get the Christmas toys in.

Pretty soon Americans are going to start wondering how this is different from an outright trade embargo. There IS a difference of course. The National Guard could end it with a few bolt-cutters ... and then we'd see if the union actually unloads those ships.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BLIX
Moved: 10/4/2002 12:37
CBS-BLIX 10/04/2002

Day 18. This is DR...

Day 18 since the Iraqi government decided to allow the unconditional return of the weapons inspectors. And chief UN inspector Hans Blix still has not bought his ticket to Baghdad. He says he's ready to go, but he explained to reporters this week that there are still one or two hold-ups. Loose ends, as he called them. And one of the loose ends is that he was concerned for the SAFETY of his inspection team:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>blix2
Time: 3s
Title: blix2
Out-cue: inspectors]

And why would the weapons inspectors be unsafe, you ask -- especially considering Iraq has welcomed them back?

Dr. Blix said the problem is the no fly zone -- the inspectors would need to fly through those areas on their rounds, but Iraq has told Dr. Blix it can't guarantee their safety:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>blix1
Time: 18s
Title: blix1
Out-cue: no fly zones]

Now, let's read between the lines here. The inspection team is ready to go, but Iraq says it can't guarantee their safety in the no-fly zones. Well wait a minute - we all know the United States controls the no fly zones. SO what Iraq is telling the inspectors is that Iraq can't guarantee that the US won't shoot you down -- the implication being that WE might shoot down the inspection plane, and blame it on Iraq!

And the UN must be buying it, because it's still delaying the inspections. I get the feeling the world doesn't trust us.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NUCLEAR COST
Moved: 10/4/2002 12:37
CBS-NUCLEAR COST 10/04/2002

Has it all been a ripoff? This is DR...

There was a parade of democrats outside the capitol Thursday making statement after statement against giving President Bush the authority to unseat Saddam Hussein -- despite reports Iraq may be developing nuclear weapons.

The statements were all similar, but something Representative Peter DeFazio of Oregon said caught my ear:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>deFazio
Time: 14s
Title: deFazio
Out-cue: don't think so ]

I don't think so, he says. And yet, I said to myself, that's exactly what's happening, isn't it? We have all these nuclear weapons -- enough, we've been told over the years, to deter the fiercest nuclear enemy -- and yet national security experts tell us we have to go to war against the possibility that Iraq might get one or two!

Well, those national security experts are far smarter than you or me or even Peter DeFazio; if they think Saddam's nukes are a threat, who are we to question it?

But there is a question we ARE entitled to ask. Were we ripped off?

I looked it up:

According to a book called "Atomic Audit" issued by the Brookings Institution, from 1940 to 1996 US taxpayers have spent $5.5 trillion dollars on nuclear weapons. 

I think I want a refund! And the spending continues: $25 billion dollars a year to operate and maintain the nation's nuclear arsenal! 68 million a day! For the same nuclear arsenal that is apparently useless to scare off Saddam Hussein.

That's a lot of money for bupkus.

Now this.

This is DR..

[This "exceeded the combined total federal spending on education, training, employment, and social services; agriculture; natural resources and the environment; general science and space research; community and regional development (including disaster relief); law enforcement; and energy production and regulation."] 
Index 

CBS DUEL
Moved: 10/4/2002 12:37
CBS-DUEL 10/03/2002

Finally, some movement. This is DR.

Finally, an idea to get this US-Iraq dispute off the dime.

According to the Associated Press, one of Iraq's vice presidents -- there are two of them; you couldn't replace master of all evil with just one -- one of Iraq's vice presidents is proposing to settle the score between the US and Iraq with a formal duel.

-- A duel between George W. Bush and Saddam, refereed by UN Secretary General Kofi Annan. Their vice presidents would act as seconds.

Oh, that Saddam, call him a barbarian if you must, but even a barnarian can discover his inner Seinfeld.

Except I think he's serious.

You know what he's saying: he's telling the world that the West is run by wimps. He's saying America is run by leaders who talk tough, who TALK about putting a bullet in his head, but they would never do it themselves. Heck the American president even pardons the Thanksgiving turkey every year.

Whereas I, Saddam shoot guns from my balcony. I execute my enemies personally.

That's what he's saying. You know what else he's saying -- he's saying you see the debate on that war resolution? You see how a lot of their politicians don't care about the evidence? Well if the politicians PERSONALLY had to fight the war, they'd be demanding some evidence then! They'd be demanding DNA samples showing my actual fingerprints on the nukes...

And they'd be BEGGING people like Congressmen Jim McDermott to visit Baghdad looking for a peaceful settlement.

That's what he's saying. He's wrong of course, right?

Now this.

[Politicians WOULD fight their own battles if they could, right?] 
Index 

CBS NEW JERSEY
Moved: 10/2/2002 7:50
CBS-NEW JERSEY 10/02/2002

2000 all over again? This is DR...

Is the New Jersey Senate election going to be a replay of the Presidential election? 

In case you haven't been tuned in to this story, the democrats yanked their guy Robert Torricelli when ethics questions killed his re-election chances -- thereby threatening the Democratic majority in the Senate.

They got Former Senator Frank Lautenberg to come out of retirement... but New Jersey law says you can't change the name on the ballot later than 51 days before an election.

The New Jersey Supreme Court is considering the case; whoever loses will take it to the US Supreme court, and everyone is saying it's 2000 all over again! Another election decided by the courts!

Except it's not.

Number one, the courts are on track to decide this one BEFORE the election.

Number two, should the courts NOT decide it before the election, the voters can see what's going on. If they don't like the Democrats' tactics, what they can do is -- VOTE FOR SOMEONE ELSE! Imagine!

And if they can't quite bring themselves to vote Republican, there's Ted Glick, Green party, or Liz Macron, Libertarian, or Norman Wahner, Conservative Party, or Greg Pason, Socialist.

There is ONE nightmare scenario: that the election is held, the voters choose freely, and then one party or the other sues to overturn the result. 

In THAT case, the courts would have a very different role than two years ago. They couldn't pretend to be ruling on the sterile matter of which ballots should count. 

They would have to rule on whether the expressed will of a fully-informed majority should count.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS INSPECTORS
Moved: 10/1/2002 8:02
CBS-INSPECTORS 10/01/2002

Day 14. This is DR.

It's been 14 days since Iraq said it would welcome the unconditional return of the inspectors. Now that delegation of Congressmen in Baghdad says Iraqi officials have promised them the inspectors would be able to look anywhere. Anywhere they want. As long as they're UNARMED.

Conservative commentators have dismissed these Congressmen as useful idiots doing a jig for Saddam; as recent ejectees from the turnip truck... but actually, unarmed inspectors may be the quickest way to get a war.

Send them in, unarmed, with an attitude; dare Saddam to shoot them -- first one he shoots, BOOM. Our TV screens will again be filled with aerial shots of exploding buildings. 

One way or the other it'll happen, because -- we might as well admit it -- that's what we want to see! And Donald Rumsfeld knows it. Yesterday the Pentagon suddenly decided to release cockpit shots from the fighters patrolling the no fly zone. Did you see those? KABOOM! Scratch one missile battery. The cable channels played that clip over and over. 

Now alternatively, there's the suggestion of a listener who wrote -- Dear Mr. Ross, instead of spending 100 billion dollars to remove Saddam by force, offer the 40,000 men of the Iraqi Republican Guard a million dollars each to lay down their arms, and pay a billion to whoever hands over Saddam to the World Court.

Pay the money over ten years, and just like that you've removed Saddam and created a substantial Iraqi middle class -- total cost, 41 billion dollars, and no casualties.

Signed Tom.

Nice idea Tom, but... no one's gonna watch a war like that on TV.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS McDERMOTT2
Moved: 9/30/2002 7:39
CBS-McDERMOTT 9/30/02

Keep your mouth shut. This is DR...

Congressman Jim McDermott didn't just go to Iraq just to "dis" the President. He went there to tell the Iraqi government that the threat of war is real, and they'd be smart to let those weapons inspectors in right away.

But ... it's his accusation that President Bush has fudged the facts that's making the headines:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS 069 US IRAQ MCDERMOTT
Time: 13s
Title: CBS 069 US IRAQ MCDERMOTT
Out-cue: SADDAM HUSSEIN]

He said President Bush might mislead the American people to get his way -- and that got Senator Trent Lott angry:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>IRAQ-LOTT-combined
Time: 7s
Title: Lott -long cut
Out-cue: KEEP HIS MOUTH SHUT]

Needs to keep his mouth shut. 

And you see -- that's the problem. Because it's not just Congressman McDermott -- we have a whole generation of Americans who have been trained to think for themselves. Who question everything. Including the veracity of the American President.

And nobody told them the President was someone special. In fact, the LAST president misled the American people about matters a lot less important than war and got impeached for it. In fact, I believe even Trent Lott questioned the veracity of that particular American president.

Now -- in some nations, the President's portrait is in every classroom, so the little girls can decorate it with flowers and the little boys can give it a snappy salute. We could try that -- but in the meantime, I fear we are doomed to big, loud national debate.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ANSWERS
Moved: 9/27/2002 7:41
CBS-ANSWERS 9/27/2002

The answers have arrived. This is DR...

For about a month now, the President has been assuring us that attacking Iraq is the right thing to do. And I said at the time that the e-mails I was getting indicated people needed more than satellite photographs to persuade them.

Among the nagging questions, I pointed out, are these: does the President want to go to Baghdad merely to avenge Poppy? 

Number two, HOW does unseating Saddam makes us safer -- here in America?

And number three, whatever happened to Osama -- we thought this was all about Osama?

One by one the answers are coming in.

Where's Osama? Irrelevant. We know that because its only reporters who bring up his name anymore. 

Next question: how does a war with Iraq make AMERICA safer? The defense secretary says there are plenty of reasons - such as a newly-discovered direct link between Iraq and al-Qaeda:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>AP-044 RUMSFELD IRAQ
Time: 11s
Title: AP-044 RUMSFELD IRAQ
Out-cue: discussions]

In other words, we've just discovered that Iraq is doing the exact same thing Afghanistan did.

And finally, is the President going to war with with Baghdad merely to avenge HIS Dad? The President himself addressed that at a fundraiser in Houston, pointing out that there can be no mistake about who Saddam's target is: 

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>bush
Time: 7s
Out-cue: ]

Saddam is after ALL of us. The fact that he tried to kill Dad is merely corroborating evidence.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS UNCONDITIONAL
Moved: 9/27/2002 7:41
CBS-UNCONDITIONAL 9/27/202

Still counting. This is DR....

Do you remember what happened 10 days ago? 

That's right. 10 days ago, Iraqi Foreign Affairs Minister Naji Sabri sent a letter to U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan. And it included the following line:

(QUOTE): I am pleased to inform you of the decision of the Government of the Republic of Iraq to allow the return of the United Nations weapons inspectors to Iraq without conditions. 

Without conditions.

Would it be impolite of me to ask... where are they?

I know its's not easy to pack up and make a trip, and Baghdad is not a very attractive post... but everybody else seems to be able to get there just fine.

Last June there was a Quaker delegation that went to Baghdad.

Scott Ritter, a FORMER weapons inspector, managed to get to Baghdad and address the Parliament!

Two members of Congress, David Bonior and Jim McDermott are there right now.

Seven Americans in a group called the Iraq Peace Team left from Chicago September 17th and two of them plan to rent an apartment and stay for a YEAR, for heaven's sake.

So how is it the weapons inspectors, who got the most public and unequivocal invitation of ANY of these groups, have yet to leave home?

Time's a wastin'.

I know the UN hasn't passed a new resolution yet, but there are plenty of old ones -- you have enough resolutions on Iraq to sink a frigate, and they all say that Iraq has to let inspectors in.

It's incomprehensible. All I can think is that the United Nations is so mired in bureaucracy that it somehow lost the landing coordinates for the Baghdad airport.

Call the defense department. THEY have 'em.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS HOMELAND
Moved: 9/26/2002 8:20
CBS-HOMELAND 9/26/2002

Homeland Security or job security. This is DR...

After four weeks of debate, there is still no agreement on the Department of Homeland Security. 

The President says the Democratically-controlled Senate is more interested in special interests than the security of the American people. The majority leader of that Democratic Senate calls that an insult to the Senate's War Veterans, and the founding fathers themselves.

So now instead of writing a bill, we're debating who insulted whom.

This is like debating whether Isidore is a hurricane or a tropical storm while you cling to the roof. 

As far as I can tell, the REAL dispute is whether union rules should apply to Homeland Security employees.

The President feels so strongly that these union rules should NOT apply, that he's willing to veto the bill. That tells me these must be some pretty onerous rules! 

So he should spell it out. We can take it.

For example, if he believes that unions would fill the Homeland Security department with slackers, just come out and say so!

If the President thinks that union bosses care more about collecting dues than protecting America, say so!

If one day we go "code red," would the unions file a grievance about the overtime? If there's an anthrax scare, would they demand a wage increase before zipping up the Hazmat suits? If America comes under attack again, would lazy rule-bound union members just decide the hell with it? If t hat's the concern, then say so.

When the call came to run up those stairwells -- were there firemen who said "sorry, can't go -- union rules?"

I must say I haven't heard of any. 

But if that's the concern, say so.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BEES
Moved: 9/25/2002 7:37
CBS-BEES 9/25/2002

Could the Wild Kingdom be our salvation? This is DR...

It's just a brief news item, but in these anxious times, I look for hope wherever I can find it.

Dateline MISSOULA -- Researchers at the University of Montana say trained honeybees have a near perfect track record in sniffing out land mines.

Isn't that something? It turns out that honeybees have a better sense of smell than dogs, and could actually be trained to find the millions of unexploded land mines aroond the world.

Training bees to find land mines is a remarkable innovation -- but how about this: How about training the bees to go after the mines BEFORE they're put in the ground. So soldiers trying to plant land mines would find themselves surrounded by swarms of angry bees until they say "the heck with this" and give up?

Indeed, I am intrigued by the whole concept of insects policing human beings.

I would train those bees to seek out those Iraqi Castor Oil factories...and go inside, and find the room where they make the Castor Oil residue into killer chemicals, and just sting those scientists until they are so covered with welts they say "the heck with this" and give up.

And I wouldn't stop at bees. I'd train the wasps, the dragon flies, the crane flies -- the chiggers -- oh, especially the chiggers -- I'd train them to fly through cracks in the laboratory doors, and through the ventilation systems, and into the laboratories, and crawl through the seams in the hazmat suits of ANY scientists trying to concoct some new and even more horrible chemical and just ... EAT them.

Until they say "the heck with this" and give up.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS DOSSIER
Moved: 9/24/2002 10:06
CBS-DOSSIER 9/24/2002

Monsters Incorporated. This is DR...

The dossier is out -- 50 pages provided by Tony Blair and British Intelligence. And it's the scariest description yet of Saddam Hussein's toy chest.

The weapons inspectors that spent eight years searching for and destroying weapons? Didn't get 'em all!

The report says that some of Saddam's nastiest germ bombs can right now be fired within 45 minutes of getting the order.

It also says this:

He's been trying to get uranium from Africa. Has 20 al-Hussein missiles that can hit targets 400 miles away, and is working on others.

He's got anthrax, Botulinium toxin, and fungal toxins called Aflatoxins.

And the main lesson he's learned from the inspections is how to hide the stuff!

As with the plant that produces Castor Oil but which ALSO creates a castor bean residue that can be used to make the biological weapon Ricin (ryze-in). And there's the al-Dawrah Foot and Mouth Disease Vaccine institute, which looks for ways to prevent cattle infections, even as it looks for ways to spread HUMAN infections.

So there you have it: the killer chemicals, the doomsday germs, and the missiles to bring them to a neighborhood near Europe.

And what is the United Nations security council working on? A sternly-worded resolution condemning ... Israel! For keeping Yasser Arafat up all night.

I don't get it. Something's not working. A year ago everybody was on our side!
It's like one of those Westerns where the bandits get more sympathy than the sheriff.

Can this REALLY be because we didn't play nice on global warming?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS TOOGOOD
Moved: 9/23/2002 7:46
CBS-TOOGOOD 9/23/2002

She couldn't hide. This is DR...

Every amateur psychologist in America has now analyzed the case of Madelyne Toogood, the woman who's been having so much trouble living up to her name.

After being caught on tape swatting her four year old daughter, after a dash across the country, and a change of hair color, she has surrendered and apologized publicly on every news show.

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS 049 VIDEOTAPED
Time: 10s
Title: CBS 049 VIDEOTAPED
Out-cue: IT WAS]

There are several lessons here -- number one, it's wrong to give your four year old a working-over in the back seat.

Number two, getting caught does wonders for the conscience -- Toogood says she'll do anything to get her daughter back: separate from her husband so he can have sole custody, take parenting classes -- I assume she'd even go on more talk shows and change her hair color again. 

But there's another lesson here too.

You see, this incident wasn't just accidentally caught on that security camera. That camera FOLLOWED Toogood as she walked to her car.

Cameras don't do that automatically -- whoever was at the controls picked her out CHOSE to follow her.

She had done something to catch the attention of whoever was at the controls of that camera BEFORE she laid a hand on that child. And that's the other lesson:

We're all happy Madelyne Toogood couldn't hide anymore.

But just keep in mind that NO one can hide anymore. And as you watch the camera follow her to her car -- consider the number of out-takes that didn't make the air.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SAT 9/14/2002
Moved: 9/20/2002 13:27
ROSSSAT 9/13/2002
>
> In search of defiance. This is DR...
>
> I belong to a very exclusive club. I was a passenger on a commercial
airline flying out of New York last Wednesday: the anniversary of the
attacks; the first full day of Code Orange; the day the New York "pick
three" drawing came up 911.
>
> I was curious to find out how much defiance the attorney general unleashed
in his Code Orange speech, as I went off to Laguardia for the shuttle to
Washington.
>
> Let me just say I think it has a ways to go.
>
> Usually when you arrive at La Guardia, you have to be fast. You have to
grab a piece of the curb, get your luggage, and get out before the cops move
you along. But this time, there was no cop to move you along, because there
was no one to move. A couple of empty courtesy busses and a few stray
luggage carts.
>
> At the ticket counter  the line was ME! That was it! I didn't
understand  I had showered and everything!
>
> And at the checkpoint? I counted the people: one national guardsmen,
eight screeners, and two defiant passengers. Including me.
>
> The screeners were so absorbed in mutual conversation I had to grab my own
plastic tray and order myself to empty my pockets. Still, I figured, good
thing I bought new underwear because figure it out: eight screeners, two
passengers  it's gonna be the full monty! I'm gonna become best friends
with the wand today!
>
> But nothing! Thank you, sir, have a nice flight.
>
> Well, no problem there. I flew to Washington with all of ... 22 people.
That included the flight attendants.
>
> "We're happy that you have the courage to join us today," one of them
said.
>
> Yes, defiance has a ways to go.
>
> Now this. 
Index 

CBS FRI 9/13/2002
Moved: 9/20/2002 13:27
CBSFRI 9/13/2002
>
> The end game begins. This is DR...
>
> Let's review where we are. The President, as his critics demanded, went
to the United Nations. He told them they look silly passing all those
resolutions against Iraq and then not enforcing them, and that it's high
time they passed a resolution to ENFORCE their resolutions. He made it
clear that if they don't, the United States will enforce the unenforced
resolutions on its own.
>
> Speaking for the peace movement, we have Scott Ritter, the former marine
and former UN weapons inspector, warning the world that it would be a
mistake to go to war without giving inspections one more chance. Speaking
for the Hawk movement, we have the President saying today it is "highly
doubtful" that Saddam Hussein will comply with U.S. demands for inspections.
>
> Speaking for the waitandsee movement we have most of the European
nations saying that once again the United States is taking unilateral action
instead of multilateral action, and that 11 years of waiting and seeing
isn't enough.
>
> Well, hawk, dove, multilateral, unilateral, quadrilateral, all this makes
for wonderful multisyllabic copy, but we all know what's REALLY going on.
At some point, the missiles WILL be flying. All that's changed is that the
US has pretended to ask permission, and the UN is pretending it has a
choice.
>
> I remember right before the Gulf War there were some military recruits who
said they never dreamed when they signed up they'd be sent halfway around
the world to fight in the desert.
>
> Well, keep your eyes open, because here we are again. If you walk into the
recruiting office, don't think you're signing up to polish the general's
doorknobs.
>
> Now this.
Index 

CBS McDERMOTT
Moved: 9/20/2002 11:56
CBS-McDERMOTT 9/20/2002

The congressional peace movement. This is DR 

Even though the momentum is heading toward war with Iraq -- on our own if need be... a few members of Congress are willing to stand astride the rails.

To find dissent in the US House against the principle of going it alone, you have to use a microscope. But it's there-- in a protest being led by Congressman Jim McDermott of Washington State.

He says that yes, Iraq's offer to accept the unconditional return of inspectors may be less than sincere:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>mcderm1
Time: 6s
Title: mcderm1
Out-cue: ]

America, he says, cannot afford to act alone -- because if we do, we risk another revolution, as happened in Iran ... or worse, a 50 year long occupation, as happened in Korea.

But how long do you wait? And suppose, when the inspectors finally get there, and start the rounds -- they are one day told, "sorry, we can't let you open that particular door, we can't let you see that particular basement, because that is sovereign Iraqi territory and you might be spies," would we be justified in going in then?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>mcderm2
Time: 12s
Title: mcderm2
Out-cue: ]

In short, Congressman McDermott says he and his fellow dissenters would accept US military action if and only if: inspectors found prohibited weapons, the inspectors ordered the prohibited weapons destroyed, and Iraq then refused to destroy the prohibited weapons:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>mcderm3
Time: 2s
Title: mcderm3
Out-cue: ]

Now this.

This is DR 
Index 

CBS THE LONE RANGER
Moved: 9/20/2002 11:56
CBS-THE LONE RANGER 9/20/2002

The new Lone Ranger. This is DR...

The President's new national security strategy spells it out:

If we have to defend ourselves, we'll try to get help from other nations, but if they hesitate, we won't.

And number two, because terrorists have set the stakes so high, we can't just rely on deterrence. We can't just hope to scare off our enemies by shaking our weapons. We have to go in and destroy theirs before they can use them.

And number three, we'll remain so strong that no nation or terrorist will ever be able to do the same to us. 

So there it is. The rest of the world has a pretty clear choice. You can either sign up with us, or sign up with the losers.

This all sounds very arrogant -- heck it IS arrogant. You ask yourself, does the President really HAVE to talk like a gunslinger?

But then you also have to ask yourself, given that some nation is always going to be the strongest, who would you rather it be? Russia? China? The United Nations? Which gets a one-page letter from Iraq suddenly welcoming inspections and is ready to kiss Saddam on the lips?

It looks like we're it. We are the Lone Ranger. The Nation that wears the white hat, but also the black mask; the nation's that's always to shake hands, but has the silver bullet standing by.

Such is the paradox of our times. We all want America to be a peace loving nation. But the president is saying that if you want to be an effective peace-loving nation, you have to be a big BAD peace-loving nation.

And how much you want to bet the world forgets to thank us.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS INTELLIGENCE
Moved: 9/18/2002 10:02
CBS-INTELLIGENCE 9/18/2002

What were we thinking? This is DR...

The House and Senate intelligence committees are now holding PUBLIC hearings to disclose what the government knew before 9/11. They've released previously-classified information showing that the clues were a little more specific than we've been led to believe.

The report shows that the plot as we know it first surfaced in August of 1998 -- when our spies got information that a group of Arab terrorists had a plan to fly a plane packed with explosives into the World Trade Center.

The information was turned over to the FBI, and to the FAA, who found it ... not credible.

Our spies also determined in 1998 that al Qaeda was trying to establish a cell in the US. Indeed, so much chatter was bubbling up in 1998 that the CIA concluded we were at war with al Qaeda.

Wow! You begin to wonder what could have been going on in 1998 to distract us from this?

Nine words:

"I did not have sexual relations with that woman."

In August of 1998... at the same time our spies got wind of the exploding plane plot ... a good chunk of the investigative apparatus of the United States of America was trying to connect dots of a very different kind.

Well, at least we got that one figured out.

But even we'd been warned, I wonder if we'd have believed it. It was also in August of 1998 that President Clinton fired cruise missiles at an al Qaeda training camp. Critics accused him of trying to distract Americans from his DNA.

Of course there were other nine-eleven clues -- right up through August of 2001. But you still have to wonder what a less distracted America might have been able to prevent.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS INSPECTORS
Moved: 9/17/2002 7:48
CBS-INSPECTORS 9/17/2002

Is it time to pop the cork? This is DR...

Iraq's foreign minister has written a letter to the UN which LOOKS encouraging. It LOOKS as if Iraq is ready to let all of us exhale.

He wrote:

"I am pleased to inform you of the decision of the Government of the Republic of Iraq to allow the return of United Nations Weapons inspectors without conditions."

That would SEEM pretty clear. But does it mean what we would like to THINK it means?

We would like to think it means that within the space of a week, Saddam Hussein has changed his mind completely. He has come to realize that in fact he is a teddy bear trapped in the body of a bloodthirsty tyrant, and like Scrooge on Christmas morning wants nothing more than to buy us all a roast turkey.

Except the letter doesn't quite say that. It says only that Iraq will allow the RETURN of the weapons inspectors without conditions. Which, taken literally, means they can unconditionally land at the airport and unconditionally go to their hotel.

It says NOTHING about what happens once they get there.

Look -- we know exactly what to look for, because a lot of Iraq's nastier weapons were provided by US companies up until about 10 years ago.

So suppose the Security Council passes a new resolution -- one that all of us can actually understand.

Resolved:

Number one, that Iraq immediately destroy all the stuff we sold them.

Number two, that the inspectors will be arriving tomorrow to make sure.

and Number three, those inspectors will have an enormous multi-national army on speed-dial.

If he accepts that, maybe then we can pop the cork.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS TUES 9/10/2002
Moved: 9/16/2002 7:56
CBS-TUES 9/10/2002

Hitting them where it hurts. This is DR...

We now have another tape from al Qaeda. Isn't that special! 
-- A tape revealing the code names for the targets, the clever e-mails the plotters sent to each other, and ending with another threat: that either we get out of the Arab Peninsula and stop suppporting Israel or suffer the "bitterness of defeat."

Oh, that we could simply ridicule this as the raving of some wacko, but we can't.

The New York Times has a long report describing exactly what intelligence agencies have learned about the plot over the past year. Let's take a look:

Number one -- it says that al Qaeda isn't a centrally-run group, but "a shadowy and fluid network" where one group picks up the baton of another.

Number two... it describes how this fluid network recruits new members. Talent scouts -- talent scouts who hang around radical Mosques, looking for anyone who seems especially devoted, such as men who show up every morning for 5 a.m. prayers.

Then come background tests, psychological tests, military training, and finally those who show promise are singled out for martyrdom.

Now, how do you attack that. Our missiles are good, but not that good.

This calls for a little talent scouting of our own... we have to recruit men who can visit those radical mosques, and pray at 5 a.m., and spout the anti-Western line, but who in fact harbor a hatred for al-Qaeda because of how it has used Islam.

It will require extraordinarily brave people. It may take us years, just as it took them years. But if our side shows the same kind of resolve, and the same kind of patience, the time will come when WE will set a date... that THEY will remember forever.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MON IRAQ 9/9/2002
Moved: 9/16/2002 7:56
CBS-MON-IRAQ 9/9/2002

Why don't we just blow that factory up? This is DR...

I saw it in the Sunday New York Times... page 25. A picture of a big Iraqi plant in the middle of the desert, almost 300 miles west of Baghdad. And according to the caption, our spies suspect THIS FACTORY of being an arms site: a place where Iraq could be developing nuclear weapons or WORSE. 

So there it is, sprawling in the open desert -- not next to a hospital, or behind an apartment block, just a big fat target. And you know how sometimes you get so tired of hearing the same issue over and over again and you want to be done with it? That's how I felt when I saw this picture. WHAT are we waiting for? Here we have the smoking gun on page 25 of the New York Times; why doesn't the President just tap in the password and blow it up?

Why wait for Europe? Maybe, just once, instead of scolding us for beign cowboys, they should THANK us for being cowboys! Instead of always yelping about our GREED or our IMPATIENCE or our FRENCH FRIES, they should say THANK YOU for being ready to save civilization.

Why SHOULD the President have to lobby the UN, or even the Congress? It's just a bunch of buildings, Iraq is an outlaw nation, we're the good guys, we have God on our side -- who needs due process?

There is, however, one teensy weensy problem with that approach.

And it's that... WE were on the receiving end of that very same logic just about a year ago.

And so, to my fellow impatient Americans -- who wonder why the President must go to the UN, and to Europe, and to Congress: it isn't because there's any DOUBT about WHO the good guys are. It's to remind US and the world... WHY we're the good guys.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MED STUDENTS
Moved: 9/16/2002 7:50
CBS-MED STUDENTS 9/16/2002

Doing the right thing. This is DR...

The three Muslim medical students who found themselves stopped as suspected terrorists last week in Florida say they were misunderstood by the woman who overheard them talking.

The three had pulled off at a Shoney's restaurant when Eunice Stone says she overheard them joking about 9/11. She also heard one of them say (QUOTE) "Do you think we have enough to bring it down?" at which point the guy across the table says "If we don't have enough, I have contacts. We can get enough to bring it down."

Now we learn that all three are Americans who were on their way to a medical residency in South Miami, and the thing they were talking about "bringing down" -- was their CAR.

The police kept them for 17 hours, found nothing, and released them. But they won't be finishing their trip -- because the hospital where they were supposed to work got so much hate mail that it had to fire them.

Stories like this warm my heart because... everybody did the right thing.

Eunice Stone did what she was supposed to do during an Orange alert -- simply reporting what she heard. The medical students did what THEY were supposed to do when stopped by the cops -- sat there quietly for 17 hours. The cops, when they found nothing, did what THEY were supposed to do by releasing the innocent students. And the head of the hospital did what he was supposed to do, keeping his patients happy by firing the innocent students.

And so, since everybody did the right thing here, there's really only one lesson we can draw from this. That sometimes, no matter what the experts say, it actually IS safer just to eat in your car.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQ ELECTIONS
Moved: 9/6/2002 10:40
CBS-AFGHANISTAN 9/06/2002

Somebody else seems to want a regime change too. This is DR...

While we debate a regime change in Iraq, it looks like someone has already decided on a regime change in Afghanistan. A would-be assassin opened fire on Afghan President Hamid Karzai as he visited the southern city of Kandahar. The bullets, we are told, came within INCHES of hitting their mark.

The US Special Operations team assigned to guard him immediately fired back: scratch one assassin.

Now -- why is this a big deal... Hamid Karzai may be the key to keeping whatever stability there is in Afghanistan, but he knows Afghanistan is a violent place, and with the Taliban gone, why does it matter?

Well, here's why it matters: because Afghanistan is a test. Some vey important people are watching. Mr. Karzai is our hand-picked leader. He was seated in the gallery at the State of the Union Address. 

If we're about to remake Iraq and indeed OTHER Mideast countries in America's image, it will mean installing competent, educated, democratically-minded people like Hamid Karzai.

And these Hamid Karzais of the future are watching Afghanistan. 

These other leaders, who are standing in the wings, waiting for us to install them, whether they be in Iraq or anywhere else, are watching to see what kind of career path they can expect should they decide to pick up the phone when Washington calls.

If they see that answering the call to greatness ends in a hail of bullets six months later, I think it's going to reduce the talent pool.

Especially since the kind of leaders we're looking for are generally not into martyrdom.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQ ELECTIONS
Moved: 9/6/2002 7:38
CBS-AFGHANISTAN 9/06/2002

Somebody else seems to want a regime change too. This is DR...

While we debate a regime change in Iraq, it looks like someone has already decided on a regime change in Afghanistan. A would-be assassin opened fire on Afghan President Hamid Karzai as he visited the southern city of Kandahar. The bullets, we are told, came within INCHES of hitting their mark.

The US Special Operations team assigned to guard him immediately fired back: scratch one assassin.

Now -- why is this a big deal... Hamid Karzai may be the key to keeping whatever stability there is in Afghanistan, but he knows Afghanistan is a violent place, and with the Taliban gone, why does it matter?

Well, here's why it matters: because Afghanistan is a test. Some vey important people are watching. Mr. Karzai is our hand-picked leader. He was seated in the gallery at the State of the Union Address. 

If we're about to remake Iraq and indeed OTHER mideast countries in America's image, it will mean installing competent, educated, democratically-minded people like Hamid Karzai.

And these Hamid Karzais of the future are watching Afghanistan. 

These other leaders, who are standing in the wings, waiting for us to install them, whether they be in Iraq or anywhere else, are watching to see what kind of career path they can expect should they decide to pick up the phone when Washington calls.

If they see that answering the call to greatness ends in a hail of bullets six months later, I think it's going to reduce the talent pool.

Especially since the kind of leaders we're looking for are generally not into martyrdom.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MISS CAROLINA
Moved: 9/6/2002 7:38
CBS-MISS CAROLINA 9/6/2002

Whose shame is greater? This is DR...

It will be up to a federal judge to decide who is the real Miss North Carolina -- Rebeka Revels, or Misty Clymer. And as in the case of Vanessa Williams 18 years ago, the problem is: embarrassing photographs.

These are not quite as kinky as Vanessa's; these merely show Rebeka, who won the state pageant last June, topless. Taken by a boyfriend, of course. She says when she first saw them, she tossed them -- and later tossed him, too.

But he must have found them, because after she was crowned, the jilted boyfriend, Tosh Welch, fired off an e-mail to the Miss America pageant. "Nude pics of Miss America bring in big bucks nowadays," he wrote.

Rebekah decided to resign as Miss North Carolina. Misty Clymer, the runner up, took over.

However Rebekah has now changed her mind -- saying pageant officials PRESSURED her into resigning -- and with two weeks to go before the Miss America pageant, it's in federal court.

The Pageant points to the contract, which says that the applicant must be of "good moral character."

And yet -- we must acknowledge that if merely having breasts worth photographing is indecent -- the runway would be empty.

I would simply call your attention to one small detail in this story -- a detail about the boyfriend. I quote from the New York Times: "Mr. Welch, a POLICE OFFICER FROM CHEROKEE, NORTH CAROLINA, did not return phone calls."

This guy is a police officer?

When you threaten to publish topless photos of an ex-girlfriend to destroy her career, don't we call that BLACKMAIL? And he's a police officer? How come HE'S not the guy in court?

Now this? 
Index 

CBS KEIKO
Moved: 9/5/2002 5:51
CBS-KEIKO 9/3/2002

Time to face facts: Keiko likes us. This is Dave Ross...

Civilization may have its excesses, we may be in the process of despoiling the earth, we may be on the verge of war... but we must have SOME redeeming value -- because Keiko keeps coming back.

Keiko the killer whale, who, after undergoing more therapy than any marine mammal in history, was finally returned to the wild six weeks ago, has decided you can HAVE the wild! He likes people.

He showed up a Norwegian fjord where he spotted a father and daughter out in their rowboat and offered to be their swim toy. Soon all the children were in the water petting him and throwing him fish.

The civilized world spent 20 million dollars to train him to chase his own food, but he's no dummy. Norway is a country that actually HUNTS whales, and the kids still throw food.

It's evolution. He's learned to embrace civilization instead of run from it, and he's going to be the fattest, happiest killer whale in the Atlantic. And he's not the only species:

Have you noticed the size of the crows in your neighborhood lately? When was the last time they had to hunt for anything? They just perch on a power line waiting for a french fry to miss your mouth.

What about the deer in the Northeast! Every cul-de-sac is a petting zoo. The deer have conventions to decide on who gets the best yards. One day, they'll start to give US names.

You see what's happening here? It's a new ecological balance. We always worried that civilization was wiping out the wildlife. But now we face the TRULY terrifying prospect... that they may actually LIKE it, and decide to stay.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQ
Moved: 9/4/2002 9:21
CBS-IRAQ 9/4/2002

What can he say? This is DR...

What can the President say to assure the American people that attacking Iraq is a prudent idea. 

Is it just a matter of showing us satellite photos and pointing to little squares here, and big holes there? That would be nice, but frankly, a lot of us can barely figure out the symbols on highway maps.

Here's what I've been hearing. First, there are still people who think The President wants to go to Baghdad just to vindicate Poppy. He needs to make it clear that has nothing to do with it.

Number two, there are people who still wonder exactly HOW unseating Saddam makes US safer. Even if every man woman and child in Baghdad joins us to storm the palace gates and lift the yoke of their oppression, how does that protect Americans from cave-dwelling terrorists?

Here it is almost a year after September 11, and reporters for the New York Daily News still managed to get past airport security with box cutters, razor knives and pepper spray. Will the screeners try harder once Saddam is toppled?

And finally, there's the question that refuses to go away:

Whatever happened to Osama? 

I was on a panel discussing terrorism, the concept of Just War, etc. etc, and afterward a man came up to me and asked, Dave, whatever happened to Osama?

Saddam may be an evil-doer, but the evil he's done is to his own people, not to us.

And if he does indeed pose such a universal threat that he should be eliminated just on PRINCIPLE, then how come we're alone?

THOSE are the answers people want ... not just the satellite photos. Unless, of course, those photos show that Saddam and Osama are bunking together.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS LABOR DAY
Moved: 9/2/2002 7:16
CBS-LABOR DAY 9/02/2002

Is this really Labor Day? This is Dave Ross...

Labor Day is another one of those holidays that people observe mainly by shopping -- and the reason is this: most of us don't "labor." 

Here's one survey which says 23 million jobs will be created in the next ten years, and most of them will will be management and professional positions. In other words --people who talk on the phone and write memos. 

Skilled trades will account for NINE percent of the new jobs: let's try to absorb that: of the new jobs in the next ten years, the percentage employing people who can actually MAKE something with their hands will be 9%.

When labor day started 120 years ago, Americans worked at mills, mines, and factories.

Now Americans work at computers, computers, and computers.

It isn't really Labor Day -- it's "Sit Down and Type" day.

When we DO engage in actual physical exertion we don't call it "labor" we call it "The Weekend." It's the difference between people who sweat for their pay, and people who pay for their sweat.

"But Dave," you say, "what about baseball players? THEY sweat for their pay." Yeah! Did you see the term "labor dispute" applied to the baseball negotiations? Labor? A job where a pitcher gets five days off because one arm is tired? Please.

Just take a moment to remember that though their numbers may be dropping, there ARE people who sweat at work, whose jobs DO involve toil, who actually MAKE things. And even in an information society, real labor still deserves respect. 

And... some decent money might not be a bad idea either.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS DOCTOR
Moved: 8/16/2002 8:02
CBS-DOCTOR 8/15/2002 (not fed yet)

Another doctor in trouble. This is DR...

He practiced medicine in Hamilton, Ontario. Ran a busy practice with a thousand patients. But now, Dr. Stephen Kai Yui Chung is under house arrest.

Because from 1983 to 1998, he billed the Canadian National Health care system for a total of three million dollars -- and he isn't a doctor. Never was a doctor.

Chung pleaded guilty this week, admitting that the documents on the wall were phony. It was Canada's largest case of individual medical fraud. 

The judge gave him 18 months of house arrest, and confiscated all the money in his retirement fund -- more than $300,000.

The extraordinary thing is that his patients LOVED him. 189 former patients and 25 medical colleagues sent letters to the court describing him as a man who worked long hours, cured illnesses and saved lives. He seemed to have everything a doctor SHOULD have -- except a medical degree.

He certainly TRIED to get one, but he kept flunking his medical school courses. So, according to the police, he just bought a fake degree from the Dominican Republic. Yet according to the Ontario College of Physicians and Surgeons, not a single complaint was EVER filed against him. He never would have been found out except for a routine credential check.

And they have him under house arrest? 

He treats patients for 15 years, no complaints, no malpractice suits, doesn't take off the right leg when he should have taken off the left, doesn't leave the operating table during a spinal operation to do his personal banking...

And they throw the book at him? They should hire him as a consultant!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SCHOOL
Moved: 8/16/2002 8:02
CBS-SCHOOL 8/15/2002

You're wearing what? This is DR:

It's back to school time, time for the annual tug of war between teens who want to look like Britney, and parents who are worried they're raising a stripper.

I asked listeners -- who has the final say?

"Parents!" said a caller named Martin, who is planning guerilla action:

DRESS1

Nori, with 5 kids, says the key is to brainwash them early:

DRESS2

No flashing that diaper young lady!

Sally finally drew the line when her boy wanted a T-shirt with a condom mounted on it:

DRESS 4

She tossed it into the fireplace. D-R found a less confrontational shopping solution -- Grandma:

DRESS 5

And then there was Jared -- who gave his kids a choice:

DRESS 6

And what did he do when the kids tested him?

DRESS 7 

Sometimes all it takes for them to listen to their inner voice, is for you to lower your outer voice.

Now this:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>DRESS1
Time: 6s
Title: Martin will coordinate dress code
In-cue: I'm going to do it
Out-cue: coordinate a dress code]

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>dress2
Time: 7s
Title: Nori on infants
In-cue: We started early
Out-cue: Not even as infants]

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>dress4
Time: 6s
Title: Sally
In-cue: To get his attention
Out-cue: We are going to burn this]

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>dress5
Time: 3s
Title: D-R says he uses grandma
Out-cue: with grandma]

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>dress6
Time: 11s
Title: dress6
In-cue: You have to decide
Out-cue: nice young lady]

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>dress7
Time: 11s
Title: Jared-Hair
In-cue: One of my kids
Out-cue: It was all cut off] 
Index 

CBS BASEBALL
Moved: 8/16/2002 8:02
CBS-BASEBALL 8/16/2002

A time for action. This is DR...

Baseball's big problem is revenue Sharing. We've heard it a million times.

The players resent any deal that might limit their ridiculous salaries; the owners, who voluntarily pay those ridiculous salaries, say they have no other way to control themselves.

As a result, the big market teams in New York, Boston, Chicago -- take in so much money that the small market teams in Milwaukee, Kansas City, San Diego have no chance of going anywhere. And when the smaller teams DO make their mark, like the Mariners here at my home base in Seattle, it's only because of unexplained shifts in the earth's magnetic field.

In truth, the real problem is not that complicated; actually very simple. It's the Yankees. The Yankees have SO much money, their bank account creates its own gravitational field.

Something must be done. And if the players and the owners can't do it, there is but one option left. We must take matters into our own hands, you and me. And we must do it NOW if baseball is to remain competitive.

My friends, if baseball itself is unwilling to share the revenue, then we must share it on our own. And so I call on every New York fan to send five dollars right now to someone here in Seattle. 

With this SHARED REVENUE, we can buy more caps and jerseys, bid up the price of club seats, and purchase twice as much beer, enabling us to add another strong arm to our starting rotation. The result will be a more competitive pennant race, which is, I'm sure what every Yankees fan wants. And if you could please send the money before this weekend's series wraps up? Thank you.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS AIR MARSHALS
Moved: 8/15/2002 7:37
CBS-AIR MARSHALS 8/15/2002

No shortcuts. This is DR...

One the big promises made after September 11th was to put an air marshal on every flight. Critics warned that it wouldn't be easy -- there are thousands of planes in the air at any give time in this country, and that would mean hiring a LOT of air marshals.

No problem. The government would do just that - hire and train a LOT of air marshals.

But according to USA Today, there are big problems.

Some of the more experienced marshals are filing a class action lawsuit, and 80 have quit. Why? In interviews with the paper, they claim that the federal air marshal training program has become "like security guard training for the mall."

The hiring standards? Lowered. The marksmanship test during a simulated hijacking? Eliminated. Too many applicants failed. Sometimes the training centers can't even get enough ammunition. The background checks? Slipshod. Newly hired marshals have gotten their badges before the check was even completed.

The Transportation Security Administration says you have to expect growing pains when you expand a force of 50 air marshals to a force of 6000, and that many of the complaints are are simply untrue.

So, then, where does that leave those of us about to head down the jetway?

Well personally, I'll be flying no matter what the state of the air marshal program is. 

I'll admit, it would certainly be nice if there was a battalion of super-competent marksmen on board in the event of a hijacking. But if not, 100 avenging passengers should provide an adequate plan B.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CERTIFY
Moved: 8/14/2002 7:37
CBS-CERTIFY 8/14/2002

The deadline is here. This is DR...

The deadline for big-company executives to swear by their financial statements has arrived. About three hundred signed early on, but, according to the New York Times, about 700 waited until the last minute.

The idea here is to reassure investors by putting the top guy's neck on the line. Under the rule, top executives who sign false statements could pay up to $5 million in penalties and serve 20 years in prison. But there is, we are told, some confusion among executives and their lawyers because the rule neglects to specify any punishment for executives who simply elect NOT to sign at all. And that is apparently a very tempting option. It's no fun to build your mansion and then get hauled away just because you signed a form you didn't have to. 

But that kind of waffling should only be the case with a FEW executives, you would think. Not seven hundred. When you have seven hundred big-company Chief Operating Officers hesitating to sign off on their own company's financial statements, it means either they've hired a lot of accountants they themselves don't trust, or it means they don't take money seriously -- that it's all just baseball: a bunch of statistics with no real importance.

So there they sit, with the pen hovering above the page, wondering whether to sign.

Must be great to have that option - of just deciding NOT to sign.

You know, if corporate executives don't have to sign their financial statements, maybe I shouldn't have to sign my income tax form. Why do I have to take responsibility? How can I REALLY be sure my accountant is telling the truth?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GENE MODIFIED
Moved: 8/13/2002 7:37
CBS-GENE MODIFIED 8/13/2002

Will shoppers freak out? This is DR.

There is a measure headed for the Oregon ballot this November, and the food industry hates it. If it passes, labels on any food sold or produced in the state of Oregon would have to disclose any use of genetic engineering.

It's already the law in Japan and parts of Europe, but food retailers, biotech companies and agricultural groups are planning to spend MILLIONS on a big "No" campaign to convince voters the genetic labeling is a bad idea. Why? Because they predict that moment they put "Genetically engineered" on a label, Americans will freak out -- and they won't buy it. Even though it may be perfectly safe.

The anti-gene-splicing activists pushing for the labeling respond that none of this food has been adequately tested, and that forcing genes of one species into a completely unrelated species could cause unintended side effects. They, of course, would be perfectly happy if the new labels freak people out.

That's what's propelling BOTH sides in this debate -- the assumption that all of us will see the words "Genetically Engineered" and freak out.

Like most of us will even read the stupid label. Unless you have an allergy, you just make sure it matches the coupon and throw it in the cart.

"Oh, but people will think its Frankenfood," says the food industry. Well that's not a problem... that's a SELLING POINT. Don't hide the alien genes -- celebrate them.

"Bizzaro Corn." "Wacky Mutant Beets." Like those boutique juice drinks. "Freakishly Delicious Asparagus." Kids would devour it. They buy that purple ketchup, for heaven's sake.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS US AIRWAYS
Moved: 8/12/2002 7:36
CBS-US AIRWAYS 8/12/2002

Another bankruptcy. This is DR...

This time it's US Airways filing for bankruptcy protection --- the first major carrier to declare bankruptcy since the attacks.

And let me hasten to point out that this is an HONEST bankruptcy. US Airways has lost a lot of money -- but at least it ADMITTED losing money.

So the airline will reorganize under chapter 11, and look for ways to cut costs. That means cutting money-losing routes, and asking employees for more pay cuts, and ... there is one other possibility lurking in the background.

The question that no passenger dares ask for fear of the answer: what happens to my frequent flyer miles?

Now, US Airways has made no announcement about the accounts; they remain in force.

But nothing scares an air traveler so much as the possibility that those miles could just go.. poof. We all know that the last thing a money-losing airline needs is a bunch of people flying for free.

Well, I just want to state publicly -- and I speak now as a one who has spent years padding his miles with college tuition charges, long distance calls, unnecessary purchases of Healthy Choice Almond Raisin Crunch -- this represents a major investment, OK?

We spend YEARS building up those accounts. We follow convoluted rules about hotel reservations and car rental. We put those stupid bonus coupons under electron microscopes to get the terms right.

And as a result, we all now have enough miles to fly around the world ... for FREE, IN FIRST CLASS. We know we'll never actually do it, but it's nice to know we COULD. 

You MUST not take that away! Thank you.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DRIVERS
Moved: 8/9/2002 11:25
CBS-DRIVERS 8/9/2002

Pay attention, people! This is DR...

Every week there seems to be a new report about how distracted drivers are. And I'm talking about the sober ones here. Even drivers who are sober and have had plenty of sleep are distracted by cells phones, by the radio, by their make-up kit or by food. Everyone has a story to tell about seeing someone dress, feed or groom themselves at 60 miles an hour.

What everyone has been dancing around is the real reason for this. We tend to blame the driver. But it's not the driver's fault.

What does every modern car have? Look around you. There's a cup holder in the armrest, there's a mirror on the sun visor. Now I ask you -- what message are those accessories sending?

Drink coffee and put on makeup.

In OLDER cars, hot beverage consumption was confined to those brave few willing to hold the cup between their legs. It required commitment. Character. Make-up required two hands to apply it and one to hold the mirror -- for a total of three, more than most people have.

Today's cars make it too easy.

In fact driving in general has gotten too easy.

How many time do we hear about a five year old jumping in the car and going for a joy ride? It's because today's cars drive themselves. No stick shift, no clutch, no choke. Power steering, ABS -- any moron can drive. You basically have nothing to do. Of COURSE you're going to reach for the Dove Bar!

But, as always, I try to be optimistic; I try to look on the bright side. 

With all the vehicular eating going on, the majority of Americans will soon be able to steer safely with their bellies. And then we'll be fine.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQ
Moved: 8/9/2002 11:25
CBS-IRAQ 8/9/2002

Saddam's house of cards. This is DR...

Leaders of the Iraqi opposition want to reassure Americans about taking on Saddam. Sharif Ali, one of the leaders of the exiled Iraqi National Congress, is telling American officials that all Iraqis have abandoned Saddam Hussein -- and in the event of a US invasion, Saddam's own forces, even his vaunted Republican Guard, would throw down their weapons and join us.

Who would've thought that Iraq is full of closet rebels just waiting for us to fire the starting gun?

Maybe this time Saddam himself will surrender to CBS.

I would just pose this question: what else would they say? What else would you expect the Iraqi opposition to say?

These are people who've been living in exile; they've been trying for years to overthrow a brutal despot; they are now closer than they've EVER been to getting the support of the world's most powerful nation.

What are they going to say -- "Turn back -- It's a trap"?

Of course not!

They're smart! They know we're itching for a showdown. They know we're looking for a visible enemy. They know we're tired of Saddam's speeches.

And they also know that America loves quick, clean foreign wars.

So what are they are promising? A quick, clean foreign war! 

A war that fights itself!

And if they're wrong? If the Republican Guard DOESN'T throw down its guns, if the war doesn't fight itself? Well, I'm betting the world's most powerful nation will end up sending in more troops. That's the part they DON'T tell you.

They want us to believe that in this case, War ISN'T hell. Are we buying it?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS OBESITY
Moved: 8/8/2002 8:16
CBS-OBESITY 8/8/2002

In search of a fat-free existence. This is DR...

Modern science is desperate to do something about obesity. Nothing works. It used to be people smoked to ease the tension. Now the first thing Americans do when they're stuck in traffic is reach for a pot pie.

So the search is on for a WILLPOWER pill-- and the latest prospect is a hormone: 

It's official name is PPY3-36, and it's made right there in your own intestines by special little cells. It's called the "Third Helping" hormone. The "I've had enough Twinkies for now" hormone.

The idea is to isolate this natural body hormone, and inject more of it into people.

Why do you think those sharks swam away when the tourists fell into their tank in New Orleans? Their hormones were screaming "More tourists? No thank you."

So to test the concept on humans, the researchers recruited 12 volunteers, injected half with the third helping hormone, half with a placebo, and then led them to a big buffet lunch of Indian curry. Mmmm, mmm.

But those injected with the real hormone ate one third less, and didn't want a snack for 12 hours. The researchers found that very encouraging -- and you know what THAT means: another miracle pill that will sell for half price in Canada and Mexico.

God bless modern science, but I find it all very discouraging. There HAS to be a way to encourage the body to produce more of this hormone on its own.

-- How about 12 volunteers, an Indian curry buffet -- and half of them, instead of an injection, have to eat naked in front of a mirror. If that doesn't get those little hormone cells pumping on their own, science needs to give up.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS STOCKS BLANKS
Moved: 8/7/2002 7:57
CBS-STOCKS 8/7/2002

Fill In The Banks. This is DR...

It's time to play "Fill in the Blanks" where I test your knowledge of current events simply by asking you to fill in the ...BLANKS. Today's topic, as usual is ... WALL STREET.

Now as you know, every American wants to know why the stock market is so ... SCREWED UP. Happily, the newspapers are full of helpful articles explaining exactly why it's so ... SCREWED UP.

But to understand these articles, you must understand the ... TERMINOLOGY.

For example, when the bear market hits it's lowest price, that's called a ... LOW. However a "low" is different from a ...BOTTOM, which would signal the end of the bear market.

But the more volatility there is, the more difficult it is to tell whether it's a ...LOW or a ...BOTTOM.

A real bottom would be the first sign that the market is about to ...REBOUND.

But a rebound is not the same as a ...RALLY, because sometimes a rally can actually mean the beginning of a ...DECLINE.

Many analysts are predicting a rally because stocks are now way ...UNDERVALUED. But they caution that their analysis could change if it in fact turns out that stocks are way...OVERVALUED. 

Because it's not enough for the market to hit a ...LOW, or even a BOTTOM, no, the bear market cannot end until there's been a ...CAPITULATION which is when we all simply ... DUMP ALL OUR STOCK and use the proceeds for ... ANTI-DEPRESSANTS.

So to summarize: a bottom can signal a rebound, a rally can signal a decline, a capitulation can signal a recovery, and newspaper articles full of terms like this are usually a signal of ... HORSEPUCKEY. Which in stock market terms simply refers to another kind of... BOTTOM.

Yes.

I hope we've all learned something here. ...RIGHT

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ADVERTISING
Moved: 8/6/2002 10:08
CBS-ADVERTISING 8/6/2002

Filthy lucre. This is DR...

The networks are planning their September 11th commemorations, and they've run into a sticky issue -- according to a survey released by Advertising Age magazine, 51% of Americans believe there should be no ads during the TV specials.

Of the 307 people surveyed, only 37% said it would be acceptable to run any kind of ad on that day.

I found that to be a remarkable response -- because we run ads on Memorial Day, Veteran's Day... Pearl Harbor Day... heck, we name clearance sales after them!

If TV ads aren't appropriate, what about newspaper ads. Internet ads. Should shopkeepers cover their signs? Is commerce somehow .. dirty?

If it is, should ANYTHING be sold that day? Should the phone company charge for calls? Should restaurants charge for food? Should the stock market close the way it does on Good Friday?

Should any of us take a salary on that day?

As for the companies who don't want to run even low-key ads -- are they ashamed of what they sell?

If suspending commerce is the way America shows respect, where should the gesture stop?

The surveys say I'm in the minority, but ... I'm just not ashamed of honest commerce. It's very true that some executives have had trouble with the HONEST part lately, but under decent regulation, the free market system works pretty well.

As for advertising, yeah, it can be annoying. But it's also an essential part of any free market system.

-- A system which rejects imposed orthodoxy in favor of individual choice. And if theres' ANY day to show the world we believe in it... it ought to be September 11th.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TIME MAG
Moved: 8/5/2002 7:45
CBS-TIME MAG 8/5/2002

Let's speculate some more. This is DR...

It's another story implying we had a chance to head off al-Qaeda and missed it! This week Time Magazine reports that the Clinton Administration had already assessed the threat from al-Qaeda and had a five-year plan in place for rolling it back well before 9/11.

It was a specific plan, too -- calling for arresting al-Qaeda personnel, cutting off their money, and sending more spies into Afghanistan.

But the plan got lost in the transition, or perhaps it was exiled to the back burner because it bore Clinton's name -- whatever the reason, Time says it took until the first week of September for the Bush Administration to decide on its OWN plan of action.

The Bush people say this is nonsense, they moved as fast as they could -- and the Clinton plan didn't go far enough anyway. The Bush plan wouldn't merely have rolled back al Qaeda, but wiped it out. It just came a little too late.

All very interesting -- the only problem with exposes like this is that they invite us to blame everybody except the people who actually DID the evil deed! I already KNOW the bad guys caught us with our pants down.

The issue is not what did the government do about them then, but what is it doing about them now?

And here's another annoying story: Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf -- who's officially on our side -- told the New Yorker Magazine HE doesn't think it's possible that Osama bin Laden, sitting up there in the mountains -- could have planned anything LIKE what happened September 11th.

SPONSOR it, maybe -- but he couldn't have planned it. 

I'm beginning to see why Iraq is such an inviting target.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SKATING MAFIA
Moved: 8/1/2002 7:41
CBS-SKATING MAFIA 8/1/2002

The Russian Mafia? This is DR...

So much deception in the world. The Wall Street scandals, James Trafficant's hairpiece -- and now the bizarre follow up to the Olympic figure skating scandal.

We all thought that when the Russian pairs got the Gold despite their stumble, it was just another petty judging scandal, part of the overall weirdness of the sport.

Now, however, Italian authorities have arrested a Russian Mafia boss, and alleged that HE is at the center of it.

He apparently had a thing for the French female ice dancer, and arranged a deal that would get her the gold medal in ice dancing, even if she fell, to paraphrase his wiretapped phone conversation.

The deal apparently was that the French judge would vote for the Russian pair skaters no matter what they did on the ice, and in return, the French ice dancers would win no matter what THEY did on the ice.

And indeed, both won. The motive is fairly incomprehensible, something to do with getting a visa; what REALLY bothers me is that because of this scandal, I, and millions of others, wasted untold hours trying to figure out the scoring system for skating.

Remember all that stuff technical difficulty, speed, poise, originality, the CHOREOGRAPHIC FLOW, the ranking, the weighting of the ranking, long versus short program -- do you remember the HOURS we spent trying to understand this?

And NOW we find out if was all a Mafia fix? We could have spent the time watching the food channel.

I never paid much attention to the Russian Mafia before, but now I hope they throw the book at him. Why couldn't he just stick to smuggling guns and stolen art like a normal mafioso?

Now this. This is DR... 
Index 

CBS SCOTT RITTER
Moved: 7/31/2002 10:33
CBS-SCOTT RITTER 7/31/2002

Are we fighting a mirage? This is DR...

The Senate Foreign Relations Committee is holding hearings on the prospect of war with Iraq. 

And Scott Ritter, the former chief of the U-N weapons inspection team, says those hearings are a sham:

TAPE1:...our ignorance

Not that he trusts Iraq -- quite the contrary:

TAPE2:... hell no

But what he DOES trust is his own expertise as a weapons inspector. And he says that as of 1998, when he left Iraq, it was fundamentally disarmed. And while it certainly COULD have built the underground factories Defense Secretary Rumsfeld talks about, he says there is NO evidence that they HAVE:

TAPE3:... extremely detectable

And it would be wrong, says Scott Ritter, to send Americans into battle until the US government presents at least SOME evidence that they will not be fighting a mirage.

TAPE4:... about Iraq.

Now this.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>ritter1
Time: 2s
Title: ritter1
Out-cue: our ignorance]

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>ritter2
Time: 3s
Title: ritter1
Out-cue: hell no]

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>ritter4
Time: 32s
Title: ritter4
Out-cue: extremely detectable]

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>ritter5
Time: 11s
Title: ritter5
Out-cue: about Iraq]

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>ritter7
Time: 8s
Title: ritter7
Out-cue: about Iraq] 
Index 

CBS TAX DODGE
Moved: 7/31/2002 10:33
CBS-TAX DODGE 7/30/2002

No more fraud. This is DR...

The President has signed the anti-fraud bill, and hinted that he has been in touch with his inner Democrat by calling it the most far-reaching reform since FDR: 
"No boardroom in America is above or beyond the law," he told the assembled dignitaries in the East Room.

Which is a good thing. I would only note that are a few TEENSY WEENSY differences between the laws that govern CORPORATE America, and the laws that govern REGULAR America.

And one of them is that American corporations are allowed to achieve out-of-body existences. Their MINDS are here, but their corporate torsos are at a post office box in the Caribbean where there just happens to be no corporate income tax.

This has been going on for a while, but it seemed to hit home last May when Stanley, the Connecticut tool company, re-incorporated in Bermuda. "Bermuda" and "claw hammer" just don't seem go together, plus the whole deal collided with the new patriotism.

Democrats used phrases like "corporate traitors" and pointed out the irony of these island corporations getting fat federal contracts for things like Homeland Security.

So finally last week, Republicans went on record in support of cutting off Homeland Security contracts for companies which don't see fit to incorporate in the Homeland.

The only hurdle now is the House leadership, which says American companies should be free to beam themselves anywhere they want without consequences. Even to countries where the drinks have umbrellas, and the tax man never cometh. I guess we'll see in November how well that plays.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MINERS
Moved: 7/29/2002 7:39
CBS-MINERS 7/29/2002

When things go right. This is DR...

You spend enough time listening to the news and you begin to think nothing ever goes right. When I first heard the story of the trapped coal miners I thought -- no way.

What's your most terrifying nightmare? We've had plenty to choose from in the past year, but I'd have to think that being trapped 240 feet underground with the water rising around you in the dark would have to rank right up there.

It's the kind of story that ends with a somber news conference, and tearful families.

Because too much can go wrong. The operation seemed desperate -- forcing compressed air in, pumping water out -- having to TIME the drilling of the rescue shaft so that releasing the air pressure wouldn't end up drowning the men...

And even if it worked -- what were the chances they would survive three days?

Well pretty good, as it turned out, because down below the nine had decided they were family. Roped themselves together. Huddled to keep warm. When one got discouraged, the other eight helped him snap out of it.

I doubt they learned that from a book, or a college course. They just knew.

And they survived for 77 hours.

Healthy enough to ask for chewing tobacco and beer when they got out.

So there will be no memorial, no pile of flowers and notes, just a filled in patch where the hole once was.

In an era of contrived survival shows passed off as reality, THIS was the Real Thing, wasn't it? And a reminder that a crisis isn't always as hopeless as it looks, and human beings are not ALWAYS as helpless as we sometimes feel.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TOPLESS
Moved: 7/19/2002 9:21
CBS-TOPLESS 7/19/2002

Keep 'em on. This DR...

The renegade car washers in Moscow, Idaho are defying the city council's ban on public nudity.

Daisy Mace and her roommates were back this week, washing cars, topless, despite a new city law making it illegal to show anything more than cleavage.

They tried it the legal way but business was lousy. It was only when they took their tops off that they were able to convince the motorists of Moscow Idaho of the true importance of vehicular cleanliness.

Daisy considers the law just another attempt to impose a double standard on women.

Well, no question there's a double standard -- but there's a REASON for it: to maintain the mystery. 

The future of human-kind depends on men being drawn into long-term relationships with women. That requires a level of mystery. 

As they say -- why buy the whole cow if you can watch the milk for free.

And over time, it can become a giant turn-off.

I have a friend who once worked a construction job at a nudist club. He says it was among the most grotesque things he ever saw.

Most Americans get their impression of toplessness from Playboy. However true toplessness, I am told, is much closer to National Geographic.

Now alert listeners will no doubt point out that on the island nation of Yap in Micronesia, toplessness is not only an option, it is a requirement. Indeed I was handed a magazine with pictures of Yapese women demonstrating that the overall effect is not entirely unattractive.

But I would point out that these are residents of Yap, a tropical island where the people actually eat healthy food and get a lot of exercise.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MOUSSAOUI
Moved: 7/19/2002 9:21
CBS-MOUSSAOUI 7/19/2002

Dangling the bait. This is DR...

Zacharias Moussaoui, the only person charged in the September 11th attacks, now wants to plead guilty.

Not only did he say he was guilty, he started spelling out just HOW guilty -- before the judge stopped him and told him to think it over for a week.

"I will be able to prove I have certain knowledge about September 11, and I know exactly who done it" he said in slightly ungrammatical English, "I know which group, who participated, when it was decided."

And then perhaps his most ominous statement: (QUOTE) 

"I have many many information to give the American people about an existing conspiracy."

Now why would he do this? Well to bargain for his life of course. He's telling the prosecution -- promise to keep me alive and I'll become an information bonanza. You won't have to rely on tips from the cable guy, I'll give you the real thing.

The trouble with bargaining for information from suspects under threat of death is that they tend to say anything. I mean, there's nothing to lose, so why not?

And if prosecutors take this deal, you watch: we'll have a spate of new warnings about everything from dirty bombs to rattlesnakes.

He knows the FBI can't afford to suppress any credible warning -- and if he can get investigators to believe that he is a pipeline to al Qaeda, he can start saying things like: The Statue of Liberty Tuesday. The Brooklyn Bridge Wednesday. The Golden Gate Bridge Thursday. LAX Friday. 

I don't think he's crazy. I think he reads the paper. And he knows that OUR fear is HIS best weapon.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS RUNNION
Moved: 7/18/2002 7:53
CBS-RUNNION 7/18/2002

Why the death penalty will always be with us. This is DR...

Every so often I wonder whether the death penalty is a good idea. I've read the arguments of the opponents about how it deters nothing, I covered the vigil at the Timothy McVeigh execution, I've heard eloquent people with deep religious beliefs say that it is against God's will.

And then I hear a story like the kidnapping and murder of Samantha Runnion.

The nation may have been introduced to a new level of outrage in the past year, but there are still few things as scary as a pervert who steps onto your driveway and snatches your child away. Forever.

There's not much the Department of Homeland Security can do about that.

It very rarely happens, which is why it's news, and there's always a danger of alarming people unnecessarily by over-reporting these things, so I won't dwell on the details. 

Except to say, that when the cops find whoever did it, and once the prosecution produces ample evidence, and after a jury of his peers convicts him over the arguments of a vigorous defense -- I won't care what kind of childhood this man had. I won't care what drugs he may have been taking. I won't care about the hard knocks he suffered. I won't even care about the voices in his head.

All I'll want to know is, whether his hands were the hands that touched that child -- and if they were, when the execution will take place.

Isn't that a terrible thing to say? Because it would be simple revenge.

But at least it's revenge as a result of due process.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MUTUAL SPYING
Moved: 7/17/2002 7:39
CBS-MUTUAL SPYING 7/17/2002

The Justice Department needs your eyes and ears. This is DR...

The Justice Department has now set up a program called TIPS, which stands for Terrorism Information and Prevention System.

People like meter readers, plumbers, cable installers, and others whose jobs take them into neighborhoods will get a special number they can call to report anything out of the normal neighborhood routine that appears to be terrorism in the making: Like someone deliberately leaving large packages around, or scouting bridges.

The ACLU hates this because they think it'll turn Americans into peeping toms. But judging from the amount of videotaping already going on in this country, I think we're there now.

I just assume that the moment I step out the door I'm in somebody's viewfinder. Never do anything in public that you wouldn't want broadcast on Fox.

My only concern is this: that at the same time the Justice Department has this new program to recruit terrorist-watchers, the Department of Homeland security is planning a new program of its own to create so called "red-teams." These would be teams of security specialists who would operate in secret, and whose job would be to "think like terrorists and identify potential targets."

I assume that therefore they would be looking for ways to buy explosives, skulking around bridges, videotaping buildings, stuff like that.

Now my question is, do we turn THEM in?

Or, if they notice us videotaping them, will they turn US in?

I don't know if any of this will make us more secure, but it will sure keep the government busy, won't it?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS LINDH GUILTY
Moved: 7/15/2002 7:58
CBS-LINDH-GUILTY 12/05/2001

John Walker Lindh pleads guilty. This is DR...

The case of John Walker Lindh will not go to trial. In a plea bargain brokered by the President himself, he will plead guilty to one charge of supplying services to the Taliban, and one charge of carrying explosives in the commission of a felony.

Penalty -- twenty years.

Why would the President get involved? To show compassion for a good boy gone wrong? Was he worried that a jury would acquit?

I don't think so. I think he REALLY wanted to avoid a trial. Even though there was plenty of damning evidence, including a videotaped confession.

I mentioned this back in December when this story first broke: that if I were his defense attorney, my argument would be this: "your honor, my young client was brainwashed. He was sucked into a cult. He needs treatment, not punishment."

That may be a weak argument, but look what it forces the prosecution to do: It forces the prosecution to argue that it was NOT brainwashing -- that John Walker Lindh chose to join the Taliban of his own free will. 

The United States Government would be in court trying to prove that an American citizen, well-educated, raised in America's middle class culture by educated American parents, purposely chose not only to convert to radical Islam, but to join the movement for a pure Islamic state!

Al Jazeera would have covered it gavel to gavel.

I said at the time that the only way out of this propaganda nightmare would be if John Walker Lindh suddenly comes to his senses, and pleads guilty. And remarkably, it has happened just that way.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross... 
Index 

CBS POLIO
Moved: 7/12/2002 10:07
CBS-POLIO 7/12/2002

Synthetic polio built from scratch in lab. This is DR.

Did you see that headline this morning? These stories drive me nuts.

See if you can follow this logic:

The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency -- that's part of your defense department -- wanted to know whether bio-terrorists could make killer viruses in the laboratory. So they took the genetic code for POLIO, a code which was easily available on the web, and decided to try to make a virus from scratch. And it worked!

And I'm not surprised it worked, because these are the government's smartest scientists. These ar the guys who ACTUALLY invented the internet.

So they made a synthetic polio virus, and then they published the research. Why? According to the newspaper article, they published the research to warn us all about what terrorists might be able to do! To give us all a heads up that if it could be done with the polio virus, it could be done with smallpox and Ebola!

As a warning! So now we know that crazed terrorist wackos can create any virus at will!

No problem, say the scientists, they made the polio with small genetic variations so that it would be 10,000 times less potent.

Except ... if the good guys can make it LESS potent, then the bad guys could make it MORE potent, couldn't they?

Amazing -- scientists are prohibited from cloning, because the President thinks that's morally wrong, but they can make synthetic viruses.

Anyway, now that you guys have warned us, just exactly what are we supposed to do? Keep the crazed terrorist wackos from reading the newspapers?

If these scientists are so smart, let's re-train them as accountants. Those we need.

Now... 
Index 

CBS McCAIN
Moved: 7/12/2002 10:07
CBS-McCAIN 7/12/2002

There he goes with the straight talk again. This is DR...

That John McCain -- I know his campaign for president failed, but he didn't let that stop him.

He was out there this week with his own Wall Street speech that would actually cause pain in the boardroom.

President Bush has his fraud task force, and stiffer sentences, and his call to recruit men and women of character for the board room. Sort of a "faith-based reform."

While Senator McCain, by contrast, would do something no one else has dared to try.

He would make CEOs actually earn their money. 

He would make companies count stock options as an operating expense, making it harder to lavish them on their officers, and he would make it illegal for top executives to sell company stock while still employed by that company.

He also called for Harvey Pitt, the head of the SEC, to resign, not because he's a bad guy, but because he's SO closely tied to the industry he regulates that he had to recuse him from 29 votes in his first ten months in office. That's because 29 times the commission had to make decision on cases involving Pitts' former clients.

Now this would be REAL reform. 

How do I know? Because these proposals have already been summarily rejected by both Democrats and Republicans.

I can't be absolutely sure why they've been rejected, I would only observe that McCain's reforms would make it much more difficult for CEOs to get really rich really fast.

And CEOs who actually have to EARN their money, I'm guessing, aren't quite as willing to pay 100,000 dollars to eat dinner with a politician.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WALL STREET
Moved: 7/11/2002 7:50
CBS-WALL STREET 7/11/2002

Is it just old news? This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Uh oh. Judicial Watch has now taken aim at Vice President Cheney. 

This is the same conservative group that was able to force Bill Clinton into giving a deposition in which his answers to a couple of seemingly insignificant questions got him impeached.

So what are they sniffing at now? Well, before he decided to run for office, Cheney was the CEO of Halliburton And while he was the CEO, Halliburton, working with its accountants, Arthur Andersen, decided to count cost overruns on some of its construction projects as revenue, BEFORE it had actually collected the revenue.

Since that might have propped up the company's stock price, Judicial Watch is suing on behalf of shareholders.

I don't know what their chances of winning are, but I'm betting their chances of forcing Dick Cheney to give a deposition UNDER OATH are pretty good. 

What if it turns out that he did not exhibit the kind of ethical business conduct that his boss, the President, now expects of CEOs?

Plus we now read that the President himself once flirted with some aggressive accounting.

All of which tells me the President will have to think very carefully about how he chooses to define stock fraud. Now I'm certainly not smart enough to tell what's fraud and what's not fraud anymore, I'm just wondering whether President is going to push for any new rule that would give his political enemies a whole cave-full ammunition.

Of course the President and the vice President dismiss all this as old news; they say Judicial Watch doesn't have a case.

I would just remind them that that's what exactly what Bill Clinton said.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS HIJACKERS
Moved: 7/10/2002 7:44
CBS-HIJACKERS 7/10/2002

They used phony social security numbers. This is DR...

The latest development in the 9/11 investigation is how the hijackers got their money. According to the New York Times, they opened 35 American bank accounts and used debit cards.

And, the says the Times, they were able to open the accounts do it using fabricated social security numbers that were never checked by the banks.

That sounds pretty outrageous, doesn't it? The hijackers just filled in random digits in the social security box... and the banks didn't even check.

But let's think about this. Was it an accident that the banks didn't check? This is the computer age -- you can check numbers in a few milliseconds. Heck, we have some web sites where complete STRANGERS can get your Social Security number.

Which can mean only one thing: that some banks CHOOSE not to check. And why would they do that? Because they don't want to lose the business, that's why.

There are some people who just DON'T TRUST anyone with their social security number, because they're worried about identity theft. But still need a checking account, and the banks WANT their money. 

In fact, the hijackers could have gone on the Internet and quickly discovered that Social Security numbers are only required for transactions involving taxes.

So that if all you want is a checking account that doesn't pay taxable interest, never mind a phony number -- you don't need to give ANY number!

And now we have another decision to make. Because of this revelation, the pressure will be on to make banks to get, and double check your official government number.

But will that make you feel more secure, or less.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WALL STREET
Moved: 7/9/2002 8:24
CBS-WALL STREET 7/9/2002

Now EVERYBODY wants regulation! This is DR.

Everybody wants Wall Street to be regulated now! Even CEOs!

And so the President will demand more jail time for securities fraud, criminalize improper document shredding, and try to stop inside loans to corporate officers.

Hey, while you're at it, criminalize those weekend motivational retreats!

But nobody seems to be mentioning how we got here! 

Oh everybody gets to play the hero: the President gets to stand in front of a backdrop with the words Corporate Responsibility over BOTH shoulders, the Democrats get to throw the morality card back in his face, and members of Congress get to express outrage at silent CEOs.

But for the people who lost their retirements? Well, I'm afraid there's nothing in that little black bag for them.

All they get is regulations that come a few years too late.

And what nobody mentions is that the reason politicians all want regulation NOW is because during the 90's they pushed for de-regulation! De-regulation was the way to unleash corporate genius!

We have to ask why they did that. Could it POSSIBLY be because the very businesses that the politicians are now scolding HELP TO BANKROLL THEIR CAMPAIGNS?

We're all truly thankful that the nation's leaders have a new-found respect for regulation. 

But to make sure the regulations STAY there this time -- here's an idea:

Suppose the President and members of Congress pledge that they and their parties will refuse contributions from the executives they regulate?

Suppose that they impose ON THEMSELVES the same separation that they want between corporations and their accounting firms?

Or would that be going too far?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TED WILLIAMS
Moved: 7/8/2002 8:01
CBS-TED WILLIAMS 7/8/2002

Legend on ice. This is DR...

The creepiest story of the day has to be the idea of freezing Ted Williams body.

All those tributes last week left us feeling so warm inside. The best in his sport, served his country in two wars, hit the longest home run in the history of Fenway Park. OK -- so he didn't always sign autographs and threw his fan mail away sometimes -- so what. The nation was saying goodbye to a baseball legend -- a man who wanted only to be remembered as the greatest hitter in baseball. And so he was .. for a moment, anyway.

But the curtain didn't come down like it should have.

Instead we have a flurry of stories about how his son, who seemed to control his father's life in his final years, plans to put his body into cryogenic storage. His son John Henry isn't talking, but according to a report in the Boston Globe, Williams body was pumped with blood thinners, packed into ice, and sent to the Alcor Life Extension Foundation in Scottsdale to be chilled to minus-320 degrees.

Now, instead of being remembered as baseball's greatest hitter, he'll be remembered as baseball's greatest FROZEN hitter.

Some of the stories imply that to save money, the family might freeze just his head.

The only question is for what? Why do you freeze a ballplayer?

To be thawed in the event of a players strike?

Maybe for a front office job.

I dunno. But this demonstrates why it is SO important to communicate with your children... not only so that they grow up to be good kids, but so they don't EMBARRASS you when you die.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WALL STREET WORDS
Moved: 6/28/2002 7:46
CBS-WALL STREET WORDS 6/28/2002

The floodgates open. This is DR...

As the WorldCom layoffs begin, another corporation has discovered an accounting problem. 

Xerox says it earned $2 billion dollars less than it said it did, and will have to "restate" earnings! Re-state. I love these Wall Street words. They'll re-state their earnings all right, but first, they're going to CHANGE them!

Apparently what Xerox did was "accelerate" revenues to make itself look profitable.

"Accelerate" -- another interesting term. I believe that means counting money you don't actually have. You, see I think this is one of Wall Street's problems -- they've invented so many nice-sounding synonyms for "fraud" they've convinced themselves it's OK.

But we're starting to catch on to the lingo:

For example "Aggressive management" -- that's when you list yourself as head of a fake company and send yourself optimistic memos.

"Audit" -- that's when you pay someone not to notice your aggressive management.

"Accounting Irregularity" -- that means someone couldn't shred all the documents in time. 

"Profitability" -- That's when fabricated revenues exceed fabricated expenses.

And finally, "Diversification" -- that's when an investor gives a whole BUNCH of companies the chance to lose his money.

The President is delivering a stern message to these corporate miscreants -- but hey, here's an idea: suppose politicians just return any donations from any corporation that lies! The money could go to fired employees!

In the meantime, I think it might be time to re-state a few executive paychecks.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PLEDGE2
Moved: 6/28/2002 7:45
CBS-PLEDGE2 6/28/2002

The outrage grows. This is DR...

People are still stressing out over the pledge -- bad enough that the Judge who overturned it this week issued a stay of his own opinion.

The outrage has spilled across political borders. "Nuts" said Democrat Tom Daschle. "A court run amok," said Republican Tom DeLay. "Ridiculous," said the President.

The Attorney General promised his Justice Department would defend the ability of our nation's children to pledge allegiance to the American Flag.

Critics are even worried that the national motto "In God We Trust" could be next.

The strange thing about all this outrage is that the opinion doesn't stop anyone from pledging allegiance to the flag, to the republic for which it stands, or even to one nation, indivisible. All it says is that the 1954 law inserting "under God" is unconstitutional.

Schools could use the pre-1954 version, or leave the space blank and let the kids insert the God of their choice; and nothing prevents parents who want their kids to say the pledge "as-is" from mounting a flag in the kitchen and saying it before breakfast.

As for "In God We Trust," I would only suggest that if Congress is going to keep it as the national motto, they ought to pass a resolution ordering themselves to obey it. Then they wouldn't need nearly as many fund-raisers.

But if public officials really want to impress us, here's the pledge I'd like them to take:

"I pledge allegiance to the taxpayers of the United States of America, and to their tax money, which we spend: I will manage it, as if it were my own, and the moment I get careless with it, I'll QUIT. Amen." Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS PLEDGE
Moved: 6/27/2002 10:58
CBS-PLEDGE 6/26/2002

It's a national Pledge drive. This is DR...

When that ruling against the Pledge of Allegiance came down, I thought we were headed to Code Orange.

Members of the Senate quickly voted to endorse the Pledge, and this morning, showed up in force to recite it.

But none of this changes one simple fact. It's a prayer! When the words "under God" were inserted in 1954, the Pledge became a legislated public prayer.

How do we know that? Because President Eisenhower said so when he signed the bill: (QUOTE) "From this day forward, millions of our school children will daily proclaim the dedication of our Nation and our people to the Almighty."

So, it was definitely a prayer ... in 1954.

The only legal question remaining is whether it's a prayer TODAY.

This issue was argued before -- in the 7th circuit court -- which concluded the pledge was OK. But listen to the reason: they argued the pledge was OK because the mention of God was merely ceremonial. As in ... without substance.

So the Supreme Court CAN restore the pledge -- but to do it they have to argue that "under GOD" has lost its original meaning.

I wonder how THAT would go down.

In the meantime, I would suggest that patriotic parents relax. This might actually be the best thing that could happen to the pledge. There's no better way to get a kid interested in saying something -- then telling him he can't.

Works with Senators, too, by the way. The reason it was such a big deal for all the Senators to recite the pledge this morning -- is that on a typical day, almost NO ONE shows up.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WORLDCOM
Moved: 6/26/2002 7:51
CBS-WORLDCOM 6/26/2002

Fill in the Blanks. This is DR.

Here it is, Fill In The Blanks, where I read a story that you've heard way too many times, and you get the chance to play along at home by simply filling in the ... BLANKS.

Today's subject clearly has to be... WALL STREET.

It is now obvious that too many major American corporations are being run by... FERRETS.

Ferrets can be very cute, but the problem with letting them run major corporations is that... THEY'RE VERY HARD TO CATCH.

Once they escape, the only way to get rid of them is to just hope that they get ... CAUGHT UNDER THE RECLINER.

WorldCom is now the latest corporation to disclose that its financial statements were written by ...YASSER ARAFAT.

Some people are saying this is another ...ENRON. But this is worse than Enron, because WorldCom's schemes ...DIDN'T EVEN HAVE FUNNY NAMES.

Government regulators describe these schemes as "Accounting improprieties of unprecedented magnitude" which means that ... THEY DIDN'T CATCH THEM EITHER.

According to a company statement, senior management was ...SHOCKED by these disclosures. Investors are hoping they were ...SPEAKING LITERALLY.

To everyone's surprise, WorldCom's accounting firm was ...ARTHUR ANDERSEN. That, of course, is a ...COMPLETE COINCIDENCE.

The government will now launch a huge ...INVESTIGATION. Outraged congressmen will hold ...HEARINGS. And by the time it's over we'll know everything there is to know about WorldCom except ...WHERE THE MONEY IS.

Meantime, Wall Street analysts were busy protecting investors by issuing advice such as ...PASS THE SUSHI.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MARTHA STEWART
Moved: 6/25/2002 10:33
CBS-MARTHA STEWART 6/25/2002

Everybody's ganging up on Martha Stewart. This is Dave Ross...

The problem seems to be that she sold a chunk of stock in the ImClone company right before the shares plunged last December.

And now it's "what did she know and when did she know it." CBS even insisted she answer a question about the story before she started chopping the salad on the Early Show.

The implication from her critics is that she had inside information.

But this isn't REALLY about a stock trade.

This is about the festering resentment of Martha Stewart that's been loose in this land for years. Personally I never really cared about the right way to chop a salad, or how to use a gourd.

But I notice that I'll go to a party and the hostess will say something like -- well, "it's not as good as Martha Stewart would do of course"; or "I'm no Martha"... because you see, among certain women she's become a symbol of everything they would LIKE to do, but CAN'T.

She's sort of the nation's mother-in-law. 

THAT's what's giving this story legs -- and I would just say, get over it. 

I know she's a CEO, and they don't have the best reputations now, but at least she's a CEO who chops her own salads.

And I know something else. There's no point in worrying about whether CEOs have a leg up when it comes to trading stock.

The government puts on a good show of policing all this -- but tell me: do any of you really think you have the same chance at getting rich on stocks that the insiders do? 

The best you and I can hope for is that when we retire, at least some of the money we invested is still there. In the meantime, isn't about time you changed your shelf liners?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS AMTRAK
Moved: 6/24/2002 7:41
CBS-AMTRAK 6/24/2002

It's that can't-do spirit. This is DR...

The head of Amtrak is threatening to close it down. And he's got good reasons. Expect for a few commuter runs in the east, Amtrak loses piles of money.

Now there are all sorts of arguments going on over whether to keep Amtrak going for national security reasons as an alternative to flying, or whether the proftable routes in the Northeast should be separated from the unprofitable ones in the west -- but I say it's time to try something new.

Clearly the national mood is to let the balance sheet rule the day; and Amtrak's balance sheet looks about like Enron's at this point.

So I say, let's close 'er down.

BUT we mustn't stop there.

Derrick Jackson, writing in the Boston Globe, points out that last year, the Department of Transportation lavished $32 billion dollars on roads and highways. That's $8 billion more than Amtrak received in the 31 years of its existence. 

Take it away!

That doesn't count the military budget -- do you think the military budget would be a little bit smaller if we didn't have to defend our right to buy oil from nations that hate us? Could that possibly be labeled a subsidy? Take it away!

The money the air lines got after 9-11 -- 15 billion dollars -- a subsidy? Get it back!

I can't WAIT to see these strict accounting rules applied across the board to PRIVATE enterprise!

You know the most amazing thing about this whole story? It's that after 31 years of trying, the richest nation in the history of the world has concluded that it can't afford a nationwide rail system.

Even those whiny Eurpoeans can do that!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS RUSH HOUR
Moved: 6/21/2002 12:03
CBS-RUSH-HOUR 6/20/2002

It's official. Traffic is still bad. This is DR....

The latest stats are in, and they show that rush hour traffic is bad, bad, bad. Each working day, the average U.S. driver sits in rush-hour traffic for 15 minutes -- almost four times longer than in 1982.

LA is the worst -- drivers there averaged 136 hours a year in rush-hour traffic, San Francisco was next at 92 hours, followed followed by Washington, D.C., Seattle and Houston.

This study has become an annual ritual -- done each year by the Texas Transportation Institute -- and and the cities at the top of the list always use it to say, "you see, we need more roads." Or "we need more rapid transit." Or "we need more of those magic scooters."

But there may be a false assumption here.

The Institute says this traffic is creating "frustrated people, a lack of economic productivity and a loss of movement."

Loss of movement. I guess you guys are too busy counting the cars to get a good look at what's going on inside them. 

When I'm in a traffic jam, I see people opening mail, sending faxes, reading novels, making phone calls, tidying up the back seat, singing along with the radio, covering up pimples, applying eyelashes, shaping their cuticles, sorting coins, eating lunch, smoking, drinking, having various forms of sex, giving birth -- to imply that we spend those 136 hours just wasting our time does an injustice to the American commuter.

The study says it would take more carpooling, more transit, and over 700 miles of new six-lane roads to begin break the gridlock.

Forget it. We'd never get anything done.

Now this. This is DR... 
Index 

CBS SOUTHWEST OBESE
Moved: 6/21/2002 12:03
CBS-SOUTHWEST OBESE 6/20/2002

Too wide to ride. This is DR...

The American Obesity Association is slamming Southwest Airlines for its policy on fat passengers which is, that if you're too wide for one seat, you have to pay for two.

But the obesity advocates couldn't cite any specific complaints from obese fliers -- so I decided to check by asking listeners who've been there -- listeners such as Teresa:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>fat1
Time: 4s
Title: fat1
Out-cue: extra seat]

And there was Vince, who's gone the other way:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>fat5
Time: 10s
Out-cue: ] 

You can ask GEORGE what that's like: he got the window seat right next to a person who occupied two seats and was pushing for three:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>fat2
Time: 20s
Title: fat2
Out-cue: desserts]

However, she couldn't do it alone:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>fat3
Time: 7s
Title: fat3
Out-cue: on her stomach]

Maybe the obese CAN lay claim to being an oppressed minority. I would simply point out that they are the only oppressed minority that could remain a minority of the population, and still take up a majority of the seats.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS SOCCER
Moved: 6/21/2002 12:02
CBS-SOCCER 6/21/2002

Soccer mania! This is DR...

The US run at the World Cup is over after the 1-0 defeat by Germany.

All the TV sets will click off now. No more cheers coming from bars at 6 a.m.

But the US team went farther than ever, and soccer mavens think the stage is set for Soccer fever in the United States. 

I don't know.

It's a little early to conclude that this will stick.

Americans will get up early to watch ANYTHING different on television. Keep in mind that we have a generation whose first childhood memory is watching Po and Tinky Winky eat pudding.

But it could also be that it's time for a new sport.

The old sports are bloated. Basketball seems to go on and on and on. Baseball is full of spoiled athletes and 8-dollar hot dogs, so the time may be ripe for soccer.

And there is certainly nothing intrinsically wrong with soccer itself -- it's got action, excitement, weird personalities. The problem ... it's the World Cup format.

It's too serious. I mean, as of today, the Germans REALLY think they're better than us. 

And that's a problem because, as you may have noticed, every World Cup team except ours ... is foreign.

Well, I'm sorry, but Americans just cannot abide by the idea of getting beat in a team sport by Germany, or Spain, or Senegal, or Turkey, or any country that doesn't have smart weapons.

New York beating Chicago in a baseball game -- they're both American cities, so we can deal with it. But we are not going to give some foreign country the chance to wave their sweaty shirts in our faces and mean it.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. 
Index 

CBS FAST FOOD
Moved: 6/19/2002 7:39
CBS-FAST FOOD 6/19/2002

Another food study. This is DR...

It's another food study, this time by the National Alliance for Nutrition and Activity. And it has discovered yet another reason that Americans are too fat.

It isn't just fast food, but a particular ASPECT of fast food:

The Extra Value Meal.

At McDonald's, for example, the study found that if you buy the Quarter Pounder with Cheese, the small fries and the small drink a la carte, you will actually pay MORE than if you get the Value meal with the LARGE fries, and the LARGE drink.

In other words, the more you pay, the LESS food you get.

The 7-11 Double Gulp is another problem according to the study. The Double Gulp is only 37 cents more than the plain old Gulp, but has 450 additional calories.

The study's conclusion: Americans are being tricked into obesity.

Well let me ask you this. If you voluntarily purchase something called a Double Gulp, is it really 7-11's fault that you get fat? Does a "Double Gulp" really need any additional product labelling? "Double Gulp" is pretty clear.

Same thing with the term "Super Size" -- do you really NEED a calorie count? It says "SUPER-SIZE" -- that means YOU BE FAT. 

It's like the vegetarians who were upset at the beef flavoring in McDonald's fries. I don't know why vegetarians would even BREATHE the AIR near a McDonald's much less go inside.

And if McDonald's actually makes you pay MORE for smaller portions -- isn't that what Weight Watchers does?

You know, someday, our enemies will finally pick up on this. They don't have to blow us up.

All they have to do is air-drop Extra Value Meals and we'll blow ourselves up.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ELECTRIC FENCE
Moved: 6/19/2002 7:39
CBS-ELECTRIC FENCE 6/18/2002

Good fences good neighbors? This is DR...

Yasser Arafat condemns the latest bus attack in Israel.

And I'm betting that he would very much like to be able to control the bombers, but he lacks the means. Therefore he wants a sovereign state so he can continue not to control them, and then raise the cry of "invasion" the next time Israel tries to do it for him.

Now let's see -- how would the United States react to a regime that harbors terrorists and claims it can't control them? I believe our current policy is to smart-bomb them and, in the case of Iraq, kill their leaders.

And yet, the President is reportedly getting ready to publicly ENDORSE a plan to give Arafat the state he wants. It will of course have to be a Democratic state that will absolutely and forever reject terrorism. A state which would ruthlessly hunt down terrorists within its borders who were even THINKING of blowing something up -- the way we did with dirty bomb suspect Jose Padilla.

The trouble is that right now, leaders of Hamas -- the group that blew up this latest bus -- live openly. No need to hunt them down -- they hold news conferences!

So why are we endorsing a state?

Maybe the experts figure it's safe now because Israel is building a electric fence to protect itself from the West Bank. That had better be one really good electric fence. 

I get the feeling some Saudi Arabian prince told the President that if he wants help for the coming war against Iraq, he'll have to slip Israel a sedative. I wonder if WE would ever accept such a deal.

We have a moat called the Atlantic, and how secure do we feel. Maybe if we electrify the ocean.

Now this 
Index 

CBS FIRE
Moved: 6/17/2002 7:49
CBS-FIRE 6/17/2002

Baffling questions. This is DR...

There are a couple of puzzling news stories today: On the fire that ate Colorado: now we learn it was started not by careless campers, but by a forest service employee, who according to the news accounts, decided to set fire to a letter from her estranged husband.

According to the Denver Post, the letter had left her distraught, which I don't doubt. But a letter can be ripped up, right? Flushed. Shoved down the Dispose-All.

Why would you set fire to it in the middle of a drought-stricken forest -- while you're on patrol for illegal fires?

What kind of letter must that man have written, what awful words must he have used? And how long was it? A normal size letter ought to burn up in a few seconds. This must have been an epic.

I begin to think that someone wants us to conclude that maybe the fire is HIS fault.

Very puzzling.

But not the only puzzling question today. The other one concerns that covert operation that the President has authorized against Saddam Hussein. All weekend we've been hearing that influential members of Congress have given their support to this covert operation to "topple" -- which I believe means KILL -- Saddam Hussein.

Republican John McCain supports it, Democratic Dick Gephardt supports it. This is all very bi-partisan.

But can somebody explain to me what is accomplished by giving PUBLIC support to a COVERT operation?

The purpose of a covert operation is that they're NOT expecting you, right?

THOSE are the kinds of papers that NEED to be burned. Safely, of course.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS VOTF
Moved: 6/14/2002 8:01
CBS-VOTF 6/14/202

It's not just about the sex. This is DR...

There are more and more Catholics who see the scandal as merely the latest signal that something fundamental has to change:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>voice1
Time: 6s
Title: Steve Kruger
In-cue: Our member
Out-cue: Catholics]

Steve Kruger and Bill Fallon are on the steering committee of Voice of the Faithful, which grew from a dozen people in a Boston parish hall to a web site with 14,000 members and counting. 14,000 Catholics who see problems more fundamental than abusive priests:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>voice2
Time: 12s
Title: Bill Fallon
In-cue: The lack of 
Out-cue: denied this right]

Bill Fallon's own parish, St Julia's in Weston, was the last assignment of Father John Geoghan -- an assignment he feels was a direct result of the old Catholic philosophy of pay, pray, and obey:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>voice3
Time: 17s
Title: Bill Fallon
In-cue: If we had
Out-cue: not have happened]

Voice of the Faithful wants, not just apologies, not just zero tolerance, but more power for lay people.

And if the bishops refuse:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>voice4
Time: 3s
Title: Steve Kruger
In-cue: That would be
Out-cue: unacceptable to us]

But they also know that it's the Catholic church. And these things take time.

Now this.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ORCA
Moved: 6/14/2002 8:01
CBS-ORCA 6/14/2002

Another whale saved from herself. This is Dave Ross...

The whale watchers call her Springer -- a two year old killer whale who strayed into the boat-infested waters just south of Seattle and bonded with a state ferry.

Biologists captured her yesterday for a medical workup -- and if all goes well, she will be on her way back to her native pod in a few weeks.

But it's not easy to return a killer whale to the wild. Keiko, the last whale to undergo an intervention, is still in therapy off the coast of Iceland.

And I think we have to ask ourselves why this happens.

Why would a whale swim into Puget Sound, and then stay among the humans. I'll tell you why -- the Discovery Channel.

Before the Discovery Channel, killer whales were -- killer whales. Name said it all. But then TV scientists convinced us they were actually big swimming teddy bears, and now instead of hunting them, we just want to scratch their giant bellies.

We might as well face it -- the whales LOVE it!

What would you do? Would you swim around with your pod in the middle of some godforsaken ocean, relatives always telling you what to eat, "stay away from that krill now -- you don't want your dorsal fin to go all floppy..." No! You'd peel off into Puget Sound, blow your nose near a ferry, and become a star!

Biologists feed you fresh plump salmon out of a pipe, and you get more media coverage than an LA carjacking.

Native Americans have tried to teach us for years that humans and whales are very much alike.

Well, I don't think even they realize how right they are.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DIRTY BOMB2
Moved: 6/13/2002 7:46
CBS-DIRTY BOMB2 6/11/2002

Are his rights being violated. This is DR...

The story about Jose Padilla, the US citizen accused of scouting targets for a dirty bomb, has now shifted to whether his rights have been violated.

Legal experts have a feeling that the reason he's being held as an enemy combatant is there isn't enough evidence to take him to trial... 

All the law professors are trying to find the applicable law: is it that 1942 Supreme Court decision; is it the concept that, while the Constitution guarantees freedom, it is not a suicide pact that guarantees a crazed terrorist freedom?

But all this ignores one important point. The point being -- nobody really CARES about the legal reasons Jose Padilla is being held. Have you lost any sleep over the legal reasons? 

No. After the past 24 hours of indoctrination on dirty bombs and missing radioactive material, all that matters to most of us is that he's in jail.

As for the legal concepts at stake... we all know what's going on.

What we have here is a concept that -- whether or not it has a basis in law -- is certainly familiar to anyone who has raised children. It's a concept known as "Because I say so."

Jose Padilla is out of circulation because the President says so.

The president's supporters will look at that and see the victory of common sense, while his detractors will look at it and see the death of the Constitution.

I just look at it for what it is. It's a warning to any American who goes overseas with the idea of getting even; and who then thinks that having a US passport will guarantee him his day in court.

It won't. Not anymore.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS THERMOS BOTTLES
Moved: 6/13/2002 7:45
CBS-THERMOS BOTTLES

And now thermos bottles. This is DR...

The latest terrorist tip is in a memo obtained by CBS News, directing immigration agents at airports and border checkpoints to conduct a complete and thorough search of all baggage" carried by travelers from Yemen.

They're looking for night vision goggles, large sums of money, and... thermos bottles.

That's because a raid on an apartment rented by Yemenis somewhere in the northeast turned up thermos bottles rigged with batteries and wiring. And under no circumstances are the border agents to OPEN any thermos bottles they find.

So what does THIS tell us. Terrorists want to blow up our lunch boxes now?

This points out the other tragedy of terrorism... the misdirected energy. Average life span in Yemen is 59 years. Poverty rate 39%. Per capita income 800 bucks.

So you finally get your ticket out, and you come to America to wire up exploding thermoses?

It's a strange world. But of course, we don't even know if this is significant. And that's what I try to do every day -- look for the deeper significance in all these terrorism stories.

President was at a water plant Tuesday pledging to protect the water supply. Today he signed a bio-terror bill. The dirty bomb arrest has Americans buying potassium iodide pills.

And yet, while we're obsessing on all those potential disasters -- Colorado's going up in smoke, with thousands of people preparing to run like hell, and it has nothing to do with killer germs, dirty bombs, OR wired thermoses.

It is a strange world.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS BISHOPS
Moved: 6/13/2002 7:35
CBS-BISHOPS 6/13/2002

Seeking guidance. This is DR...

The Catholic Bishops are meeting to decide whether zero tolerance is a good idea. They appear to be looking for guidance.

Well, if they're looking for guidance, there's a little checklist that may help.

It's got ten points on it, but let me cover just a few:

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. As in telling a kid you've just played with -- that he or she will burn in hell for revealing what happened.

Thou shalt not serve false gods. That includes Lust, I believe.

Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy. Serving Mass with altar boys you've slept with would probably not meet the definition of "holy."

Honor thy father and thy mother. We don't hear much about the parents of these troubled priests, but whatever they're feeling, I doubt they would call it "honor."

Thou shalt not steal. That would include a child's sense of security.

Thou shalt not kill. Extinguishing someone's faith in God comes pretty close.

Thou shalt not commit adultery. Speaks for itself.

Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. Church lawyers -- blaming victims.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass. That means you shouldn't even be messing with someone else's FARM ANIMALS, much less their children.

So these might be handy suggestions to help move the meeting along.

Some people have even proposed posting them in courtrooms. Well, maybe, but let's try to get them into the churches first.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DIRTY BOMB
Moved: 6/10/2002 7:50
CBS-DIRTY BOMB 6/10/2002

The news we've all been waiting for. This is DR...

Attorney General John Ashcroft says a man arrested a month ago at O'Hare in Chicago was plotting to build and set off a dirty bomb intended to spread radiation over Washington DC.

The man calls himself Abdullah Al Mujahir. But he's also known as Jose Padilla -- a US citizen.

He's been under arrest since May 8th -- when he arrived on a flight from Pakistan, where he allegedly learned things like how to disperse radioactive waste.

Is this arrest a big break in the war on terror? I don't know. But it comes at an excellent time: members of Congress were warning over the weekend that still more damaging memos from FBI agents were about to come out.

Stopping a plot to irradiate DC will eclipse all that. 

The attorney General, took pains to thank the FBI, the CIA and the Defense Department for their cooperation -- which is a way of saying we ARE reading the memos.

And finally, the suspect is an American with an American passport who was known as ... Jose. He changed his name to Abdullah, but I have a feeling he probably looked more like a Jose than an Abdullah.

Which might be a way of telling us that yes we DO have to snoop on Americans, and yes, there's a reason for those random airport checks that everybody hates.

Did we actually prevent a terrorist attack here? Don't know. We don't know how far along this plot was, and frankly, we don't know whether a dirty bomb would even work. Iraq tried to build one and gave up.

But in a nation desperate for good news, you can expect this story to receive a warm welcome for a lot of reasons.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SAT STOCKS
Moved: 6/7/2002 7:02
CBS-SAT STOCKS SUBLIMINAL 6/6/02

I seek to bring investors joy. This is DR

Isn't there supposed to be a recovery going on? I keep hearing analysts say the recovery is coming, but the stock market isn'r reading the memos. All the stock market hears are somber US officials who now issue more terror threats than Osama himself. 

So I guess it's up to me. SOMEBODY has to spread some optimism. I'm just going to have to hypnotize you all.

So find a focus point, and I'll turn on the spooky music.

(*) Center yourself. Let the breath flow into every part of your consciousness, and join with me in the mantra of prosperity.

I am safe. My heart is filled with joy. Rivers of Riches are flowing to me. And around me. And right by me. But no matter! 

I create my own reality. I color my own world. I visualize joyous abundance. It's OK to have everything I want. 

Stock options make handy napkins.

Working until I am 80 will help keep my tummy firm.

And one day my country might become almost as rich and powerful as an overstuffed Saudi Arabian prince! 

(MUSIC ENDS)

There you go! Feels better, doesn't it?

Now this.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Tales of the Ring
Time: 55s
Title: Tales of the Ring
In-cue: Brass
Out-cue: Brass Stings] 
Index 

CBS HOMELAND
Moved: 6/7/2002 7:02
CBS-HOMELAND 6/7/2002

America finally organizes. This is DR...

Almost nine months after he first announced the Office of Homeland Security, the President has now decided it ought to have real power, and a real budget.

If Congress goes along, this new Department of Homeland Security with 169,000 employees, and 37.4 billion dollars, all of it transferred from other agencies.

And the idea -- is to get everyone from the plant inspectors at the Agriculture department to the nuclear countermeasures experts at the Energy Department working together. Even the Immigration Service would be a part of it, so that someone would actually be keeping known terrorists OUT of the country, instead of processing their paperwork even as they fly into occupied buildings.

Before now, the responsibilities were divided over a hundred agencies -- which is why I always had a hard time buying these government conspiracy theories about the New World Order. 

How could we enslave the world if we couldn't even find a guy who was taking flight lessons, renting apartments, and trying to buy crop dusters UNDER HIS OWN NAME.

This government couldn't conspire with itself to order a pizza.

But now that will change:

The FBI will cooperate with the CIA, the threat assessment will go to the new Department of Homeland Security, which will coordinate the warnings to citizens, so that we not being told to live our lives one moment and avoid mailboxes the next, while at the same time, the Army, Navy the Air Force, the Marines stand ready to lanch the world's most advanced weapons.

And if all this works as planned, we will finally have gotten the upper hand on a bunch of cave-dwellers.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SLOW TONGUE
Moved: 6/6/2002 9:59
CBS-SLOW-TONGUE 6/6/2002

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>z-NEWS REAL SLOW
Time: 12s
Title: NEWS READ REAL SLOW THEME
Out-cue: ]

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>z-NEWS READ SLOW BED
Time: 28s
Title: NEWS READ SLOW BED
Out-cue: ]

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>z-NEWS REAL SLOW
Time: 12s
Title: NEWS READ REAL SLOW THEME
Out-cue: ]

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

Today's subject: Government Regulation. Dateline, LANSING, Michigan (AP) -- The Michigan state House has voted down a bill that would have kept people from getting their tongues split.

The measure would have banned surgeons from splitting a person's tongue into two parts to make it look like a lizard's -- but it came up two votes short after representatives in both parties claimed it would infringe on a person's civil liberties.

Said Rep. David Woodward, D-Royal Oak ``We're talking about a bill that is reaching into a personal decision. If you want to split your tongue -- why is the state of Michigan saying you can't?''

SLOW: ``If you want to split your tongue -- why is the state of Michigan saying you can't?''

How about because it's REPULSIVE! 

The State of Michigan says you can't do crack.
The State of Michigan says you can't drive without a seat belt.
The State of Michigan says you can't dump yard waste in landfills.

But it's OK to split your tongue so that people will turn away in horror every time you say a word with an "L" in it!

Come on people, at least give the FBI eavesdroppers a chance!

Plus, I looked it up. You know why the tongue-splitters do it? Because they say that after a while, they can learn to control each half of the tongue independently.

Whoop de bleepin' do!

I know people who can do that WITHOUT surgery.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NUCLEAR
Moved: 6/5/2002 11:02
CBS-NUCLEAR 6/5/2002

Preventing the big kaboom. This is DR...

Americans continue to leave India, scared out by State Department warnings and the implication that Pakistan would not be averse to shooting off a nuclear bomb if it had to.

Asked to state his policy on nuclear attacks, Pakistan's leader, General Musharraf observed that implied in having nuclear weapons is that you might USE them -- the general doing his bit to make sure there are no empty seats on those outbound planes.

There is ONE American who is headed IN, and that's Defense Secretary Rumsfeld, who will visit both sides to see what he can do to help.

You know, I have an idea what he could do.

The United States has this strong stand against terrorism, right?

And I've been going over the current definition of the word. Here's the one that was offered by former Secretary of State George Schultz: Terrorists, he said, practice random violence on as large a scale as possible against civilian populations to make their points or get their way.

That fits a nuclear weapon pretty well, it seems to me.

Any leader who deliberately fires off nuclear weapons that kill 12 million people -- which is the figure currently being tossed around -- would have to be defined as a terrorist at the very LEAST, and therefore an enemy of the United States.

The defense secretary could use some of that blunt talk he's so famous for, and tell General Musharraf: number one, many thanks for helping us with al Qaeda, and number two, if you push the button and launch a nuclear attack against civilians, the United States will shoot you.

Nothing personal -- it's just policy.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SPIES
Moved: 6/4/2002 8:18
CBS-SPIES 6/4/2002

Where are they now? This is DR.

It just doesn't stop. Now EGYPT says IT had information an attack was going to take place and passed it on to the US, but nobody here can remember taking the call. Voice mail, probably. Even so, the warning was vague: the intelligence sources were thinking "embassy" not World Trade Center.

Meantime, latest on the story about the CIA getting information about September 11th hijacker Khalid Almihdhar from Malaysian intelligence and not telling the FBI when he landed in Los Angeles -- is this quote from an unnamed government official: (QUOTE) "some of the confusion centered on different transliterations of Almihdhar's Arabic name." In other words, the two agencies were spelling it differently!

That's annoying, isn't it?

But here's what really frustrates me about this whole story.

I opened the newspaper this morning and saw this headline: "US Search Uncovers Only Empty Caves."

We still have soldiers in Afghanistan -- along with hundreds of British Marines -- looking for al-Qaeda fighters. But they can't find them.

British Major Rich Stephens told a reporter that his men are ready to kill them, if only any would come out. In the meantime, the allies are locked in a fight with empty caves.

So while all these intelligence revelations from Egypt and Malaysia are interesting, we don't need more reports about where al Qaeda was nine months ago; we need some fresh reports about where they are now.

These other countries that were so good about developing information back when we WEREN'T listening -- need to go back and do it again now that we are.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS RESCUE
Moved: 6/3/2002 5:48
CBS-RESCUE 5/31/2002

Man versus mountain. This is DR...

Anytime there's a dangerous mountain rescue, you ask yourself whether it's worth the risk -- whether ANYBODY should be going after climbers who deliberately put their lives in danger just to climb a mountain and go back down again.

And when you see a rescue helicopter hit a snowbank and roll down a slope as we saw yesterday, you REALLY begin to wonder. 

I've heard several discussions like this over the years: arguments that climbers should pay for their rescues, or that at the very least, climbers who did something STUPID should pay. But the theme seems to be that people who climb mountains for sport are "irresponsible adrenaline junkies on a contrived test of their own bravery."

To which I say: give it a rest.

If you watched TV today, you saw video of the helicopter rolling down the mountain. A terrible thing. But you also saw clips of nuclear missile tests in Pakistan, of masked guerillas firing stinger missiles at aircraft -- and let me tell you something -- these are ALL adrenaline junkies on contrived tests of their own bravery.

With one important difference.

Mountain climbers are only out to risk their lives, not anybody else's.

As for the rescues -- we rescue all sorts of risk-takers without a second thought: people who don't wear seatbelts, people who let their arteries harden, people who let a gun go off in their pants.... my fellow Americans, the world is full of risk-takers looking for excitement and danger. But those who choose do it at 11,000 feet on Mount Hood -- aren't the problem.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS TAILGATING
Moved: 6/3/2002 5:47
CBS-TAILGATING 5/30/2002

Young women out of control. This is DR:

Mr. Ross, the e-mail begins:

I drive about 60,000 miles a year. I've noticed that 97% of the tailgaters are FEMALES between the ages of 16 and 28. And I mean 3-10 feet behind me. Could you find out if young women suffer from lack of depth perception, or are they just STUPID? Signed, Paul.

So I posed the question -- and it was like I'd lit a match:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>tail4
Time: 12s
Title: Man had bumper ridden
Out-cue: 97%]

Then there was Mike:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>tail3
Time: 4s
Title: Mike gets tailgated
Out-cue: faster they drive]

There was Tony:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>tail6
Time: 11s
Title: Tony
Out-cue: 85 miles an hour]

And there was John:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>tail1
Time: 9s
Title: Woman Tailgates hi
Out-cue: I'm 50-plus]

In fact, the LAST time it happened, SHE called the cops on HIM:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>tail2
Time: 10s
Title: She calls him on cell phone
Out-cue: On her cell phone]

Of course he'd done no such thing.

But don't think men are the only victims:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>tail5
Time: 6s
Title: Woman gets tailgated
Out-cue: glad you said it]

I certainly have no comment. I'll just leave you with the guy who was so fed up, he installed a switch under the seat that disables his brake lights:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>tail7
Time: 2s
Title: Disables the brake light
Out-cue: in your life]

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CLEANUP OVER
Moved: 5/30/2002 7:25
CBS-CLEANUP OVER 5/30/2002

It can't be done. This is DR...

A 58 ton girder draped with an American flag, and and an empty stretcher.

When you saw those buildings come down September 11th , were you thinking 37 weeks? Or were you thinking that it would take years.

I thought well over a year -- just to get to the bottom of the pile. 37 weeks? I'd have told you "It can't be done." I have never seen a more hopeless picture. A sensible person would just give up.

But what we all know now is that this was not just a recovery effort -- it became a cause for every worker on that site.

37 weeks to remove 1.8 million tons -- and not just remove it, but remove it carefully, so it could be checked for remains.

37 weeks to clean up 220 stories.

Never underestimate the power of the human will.

As for the rest of America -- on the surface, it doesn't look that much different.

But in the last 37 weeks, the rest of us have had to dig through the rubble too. In our institutions; in our thinking.

It's easy, in a rich nation, to get complacent, to play it safe, to come up with reasons why things CAN'T be done instead of why they can.

But in the last 37 weeks, I think we've developed an attitude. Less tolerance for doublespeak. For excuses. For the bureaucratic BS. 

When there's a problem, people want to see the kind of resolve that emerged on the front lines in lower Manhattan.

Because if those workers in New York could accomplish that in 37 weeks, then how can the rest of us ever say "It can't be done."

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS AMATEUR TERROR
Moved: 5/29/2002 7:48
CBS-AMATEUR TERROR 5/29/2002

The new FBI. This is DR...

Two immigrants from Pakistan are in jail, denied bond, accused of plotting a ''holy war'' in South Florida.

They appear to be an example of the FBI's new emphasis on preventing terror instead of just investigating it. And their plot was pretty frightening. 

According to the indictment, the two immigrants were planning to bomb a National Guard Armory, electrical substations near the Miami airport, the Israeli consulate in Miami ... AND Mount Rushmore.

This, they figured, would set off a race war, and they would then demand that the US cut all ties with Israel -- in the name of the South Florida "jihad."

The FBI got it all on tape.

But they got it on tape a year ago. The agency seemed to lose interest in the case because frightening as the plot was, it just didn't seem to be clicking.

For starters, the ex-Marine who posed as their terrorism instructor saying he had converted to Islam -- was actually a Jew; the substations they planned to blow up would barely have caused the lights to flicker; their weapons list included a CROSSBOW; and when they went to a gun show to buy AK-47s, their credit card was declined, and they left unarmed.

This in a country where any school kid can get a gun.

In other words, these were two pretty sorry terrorists.

But in recent weeks, the FBI decided this all looked pretty bad after all. And on May 17th, the two were indicted.

Their families claim the FBI framed them. 

Who knows. 

Just a word of advice to you rambo types -- be careful what you say and where you shop. Under the remodeled FBI, you can get in trouble just for THINKING about lighting that fuse.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS STAR WARS
Moved: 5/29/2002 7:48
CBS-STAR WARS 5/28/2002

Someone has to tell. This is DR...

There has been a conspiracy of silence among movie goers. But it is time the silence was broken. It is time to articulate publicly what so many of us have witnessed first hand.

People are snickering at Star Wars

The first time I saw it, I thought I detected a distinct restlessness during the love scenes. But I couldn't be sure -- perhaps I'd read too many reviews.

So I went again. To the ultimate Star Wars venue: The Cinerama in Seattle, refurbished by billionaire Paul Allen; digital projection, seat-shaking sound.

And this time, it was unmistakeable. 

The flawless ANAKIN and the gorgeous Senator Amidala are in front of a roaring fire, and Anakin says:

From the moment I met you, all those years ago, a day hasn't gone by when I haven't thought of you. And now that I'm close to you again, I'm in agony.

This is where the audience begins to turn. Then he says:

The thought of not being with you makes my stomach turn over. 

The audience notices a similar feeling. Some start to squirm. But it's not over yet:

I'm haunted by the kiss you should never have given me. My heart is beating, hoping
that kiss will not become a scar. What can I do? I will do anything you ask...

CUT THE SCENE! CUT THE SCENE, I'm asking! There are giggles, even groans. And then, Anakin delivers what has to be the most dangerous line ever. He says:

If you are suffering as much as I am, tell me.

I glanced around to assess the level of security in the theatre. Only one cop. But thank goodness, the scene was over.

Rescues the movie not a moment too soon, Yoda does.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MEMORIAL
Moved: 5/27/2002 7:38
CBS-MEMORIAL 5/27/2002

Keeping secrets. This is DR...

The Administration wants the investigation of intelligence failures before September 11th limited to the House and Senate Intelligence committees, so that it can be kept secret.

And there are certainly GOOD reasons to keep it secret, such as protecting sources and intelligence gathering methods. But there are bad reasons too, such as keeping embarrassing screw-ups out of the press.

Too late for that, though: TIME Magazine has posted that memo from Coleen Rowley, the FBI whistle blower who says she tried to get a search warrant against the man who came to be known as the 20th hijacker -- but was stymied by a headquarters which seemed so intent on sabotaging her request that other agents joked there must be a mole in the agency.

And it isn't just hindsight -- Rowley says she and others knew Zacharias Moussaoui was a serious threat BEFORE those planes hit, and said so at the time.

So there's a problem, and it's one which sooner or later will have to be discussed in public.

The FBI is moving from simply "investigating crimes after the fact" to "preventing crimes BEFORE the fact": a major change with consequences for personal freedom if it goes too far, and the risk of mass casualties if it doesn't go far enough.

In a democracy, you don't discuss issues like that in secret.

Today is the first Memorial Day since the war came home -- a good time to remember that, of all the reasons to pay respects to the nation's war dead, the most important one is this -- to resolve that we will do whatever we can not to increase their number. Even if it embarrasses a few high officials.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CAMPING
Moved: 5/24/2002 7:07
CBS-CAMPING 5/24/2002

The single most terrifying phrase in the English language. This is DR...

This weekend is the traditional beginning of the summer season, and it means that sometime soon, you will among friends, obeying all state and federal laws, when without provocation, some one will say, to your face, "Why don't we all go camping?"

The single most terrifying phrase in the English language.

The best thing to do is pretend you didn't hear it. Pretend your botox treatments have paralyzed your tongue.

I have been on a total of three camping trips now. You know what camping is? Camping is where you learn just how bad your friends snore, OK? That's the entertainment. The fish don't bite, the sun doesn't shine, but EVERYBODY snores.

It betrays everything America stands for.

Some of the largest corporations in the world have spent billions inventing the comforts that make camping unnecessary. 

Yet every year, millions of people with college educations make the choice to live within ten feet of each other along a muddy riverbank. There's only one only legitimate reason to sleep in a tent anymore, and that's to get movie tickets.

"Oh but Dave -- the fresh air!" What fresh air? You're with about 100 people who don't know how to build a fire. You're breathing second hand beef fat all weekend.

"Oh but Dave, food never tastes as good as when you're outdoors!" That's because YOU'RE STARVING!

My fellow Americans, there's a word for starving people who live within ten feet of each other along a muddy riverbank surrounded by smoke and latrines. They're called refugees. The UN spends millions trying to get them home again.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CHANDRA
Moved: 5/23/2002 7:55
CBS-CHANDRA 5/23/2002

The body is found. This is DR...

The body of Chandra Levy has been found -- in Washington DC's Rock Creek Park, and it appears to have been there for a while. Among the new clues: a jogging bra, sneakers, a sweatshirt, and a walkman. Add that to the last thing Chandra Levy pulled up on her computer -- a map of Rock Creek Park -- and you could conclude that she went to the park to jog, and met with foul play.

Now it's possible the body was deliberately placed there by conspirators, but it's also possible that it was not. 

And you know what that would mean: that all the stuff about her affair with Congressman Gary Condit was a complete waste of time. 

The media stakeouts, the interview with Connie Chung where she asked him "did you kill Chandra Levy," the revelation of his affair with the flight attendant, the speculation about how guilty he looked on TV (he was described as an "eel" by one TV critic) -- just a huge diversion when all along, the real story was that a woman was killed by some predator in Rock Creek Park.

Of course the story WE saw on TV was not "Who killed Chandra Levy", but how often did Gary Condit have sex with her? The story unfolded as it did because there was NO evidence Condit harmed his former intern, only that Condit was a democratic politician caught cheating on his wife. 

The anger of the distraught family fed the assumption that Condit's profession of innocence was an act.

Of course, a professing of innocence might ALSO mean ... you're innocent. But that was not an option in this story.

And so, America got a sex scandal.

While the real culprit...got a 13-month head start.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MUELLER
Moved: 5/22/2002 9:06
CBS-MUELLER 5/21/2002

Played like a harmonica. This is DR...

Do you ever get the feeling you're being manipulated? Today a couple of new opinion polls were released, and guess what they show -- that most Americans are expecting another attack, and more than HALF of them DON'T think the government can stop it.

Let's see -- why would they think that -- could it be a week's worth of stories about government officials expressing their utter helplessness against terrorism?

That could have SOMETHING to do with it.

The latest warning came FBI director Robert Mueller, who said suicide bombings in the US are inevitable. He was speaking at the National Association of District Attorneys, and says the remark was only intended for them.

But why exactly would district attorneys care about suicide bombers? What can a D-A DO with a suicide bomber? Prosecute the body parts?

No, I think the remark was meant to be public, and I think we're being played like a harmonica. We're being softened up. We're having our expectations lowered.

Well I, for one, will cling to high expectations. 

We debate the role of the government a lot in this country, but one thing EVERYBODY agrees on, even the wackiest libertarian, is that job one for any government is to protect its people. That's why governments exist!

So -- thanks for all the warnings (the polls show they're working great!) but how about we see a few of these officials stand up and say "we take the responsibility for protecting you, since that's why you send us your taxes."

I will say this -- they are doing a great job of protecting those intelligence memos. Man, the terrorists won't be able to get NEAR those.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NEW YORK THREAT
Moved: 5/22/2002 7:48
CBS-NEW YORK THREAT 5/22/2002

Do your part. This is DR...

We were tired of all those vague warnings -- now there's a specific one, based on information gleaned from a captured al-Quaeda fighter.

He named the Brooklyn Bridge and the Statue of Liberty. That was enough for the NYPD to bring back some of the checkpoints, even to close the Brooklyn Bridge briefly when someone reported a suspicious package.

And that little incident may point to something that all of us can do to help.

That's been the most frustrating aspect of these last several days of vague warnings -- that the rank and file doesn't know what to do. Telling us just to "live our lives" somehow just doesn't cut it anymore. We HAVE been living our lives. Air travel is back up, the economy is slowly coming back... Abercrombie and Fitch is selling thongs to eight year olds -- so quite a bit of normalcy has returned.

But look at what happened at the Brooklyn Bridge -- closed for hour because of a suspicious package that turned out to be nothing. Whoever lost it there probably had no idea.

Well there's our mission. Before you let any package leave the house, look at it!

For example -- I've seen the packages that a lot of you take into post offices. Stained cardboard boxes, patched with duct tape and string, sloppy addresses -- I know you're trying to recycle, but THIS IS NOT THE TIME, OK?

There are a lot of perfectly innocent people among us who every day create suspicious-looking packages.

Buy a new box. Print clearly. Do not misspell simple words. 

And finally -- probably the most important tip, if you're going to lose it, don't lose it near a bridge.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WARNINGS
Moved: 5/20/2002 7:37
CBS-WARNINGS 5/20/2002

We got what we wanted... now what are we supposed to do? This is DR...

We all spent last week wondering aloud why nobody told us about all the terrorist chatter that was being picked up before September 11th. 

Well don't say your government isn't responsive. Now, suddenly, the warnings are everywhere.

Nobody even bothered with the color code. It's just warning, warning, warning! 

Now we have the vice president warning about terrorist chatter telling us that an attack is imminent, even bigger than September 11th, but we don't know where or when. 

Add to that -- warnings that there could be an attack on a water supply, and the latest warning: that a terrorist might rent an apartment somewhere, rig it with explosives, and blow the whole building up.

Maybe the theory here is that the warning itself is the protection: issue the warning, and it lets the evil-doers know that we're onto them, and they go somewhere else.

But I think what's really going on is someone at the White House said, OK, if they want to know what we know, let's let 'em have it. So now, no matter what happens, they can't say they weren't warned. Let's see what they can do with this kind of information.

And of course the answer is, nothing.

Well, ONE thing. We can start asking ourselves just exactly what do we get for the 30 billion dollars we spend on intelligence? 

What we've gotten so far is chatter. Chatter about dirty bombs, chatter about the water supply, chatter about apartment buildings. 

30 billion dollars to learn that the safest place to be right now ... is on a PLANE.

Now this.

This is DR.. 
Index 

CBS BUSH PRINCE
Moved: 5/17/2002 8:39
CBS-BUSH PRINCE 5/15/2002

Dissed again.This is DR.

It hasn't gotten much attention, but a newspaper in Saudi Arabia this week published an interview with Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah -- the man who recently met with President Bush at his Texas ranch. And frankly, it comes off as very patronizing.

In the interview, which was carried in the Saudi newspaper Okaz, the prince says he had to spend hours briefing the President on Middle East issues.

He says Mr. Bush has noble qualities, including courage and compassion, but he also describes the President as ... well, uninformed. 

(QUOTE) "He is the type of person who sleeps at 9:30 after watching the domestic news." (UNQUOTE)

The Prince said he felt compelled to brief the President on the REAL conditions in the Middle East, especially the conditions endured by the Palestinian people.

Now, maybe the President needed such a briefing, I don't know, but since when does a Prince -- who is on OUR side -- go around talking about an American president that way?

WE'RE the superpower in town. We're the ones who tell leaders when they're misinformed! We're the ones with ex-presidents who travel to other countries to tell them what's wrong with their systems.

It just seems that the more powerful we get, the more dissing we have to take.

Well, enough of that! If Mr. Prince Abdullah thinks our President goes to bed too early, we ought to send some people over to HIS palace to find out what he does with HIS evenings. I'm sure he spends them just IMMERSED in book.

I think Jimmy Carter ought to go over there and tell the Prince -- in Arabic -- to let his women drive and wear thongs.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FBI MEMO
Moved: 5/17/2002 8:39
CBS-FBI MEMO 5/17/2002

Connecting dots. This is DR...

Was there ample warning? Should the Bush Administration have connected the dots and drawn a picture of four flying bombs? Well, here are the dots they had to connect, according to National Security chief Condoleeza Rice:

[Cart No: <8 Raw Carts>rice1
Time: 8s
Out-cue: ]

Everybody says this is about connecting the dots -- but are these really DOTS? These are smudges. Would anybody look at that and say "Hey -- we need stronger cockpit doors!?"

I dunno; but I know this much -- she might as well release the memos now. Because claiming secrecy for old memos -- especially old memos that were considered useless at the time -- won't cut it.

I also know this: the investigation will seem unfair to a lot of hard-working people at the FBI. But that's life. The intelligence services will never get as much credit for the attacks they DO stop, as blame for the attacks they DON'T.

But here's what's REALLY amazing to me about these intelligence memos: how ordinary they are! 

-- Speculation that al-Qaida might try to hijack American airplanes to win release of their friends -- No specific targets, no mention of suicide bombing.

You can get that from a fortune cookie.

I always thought the President got better stuff. 

All those billions to monitor phone calls and e-mail; plant informants -- and they hand the President a horoscope!

Yes indeed, there will have to be an investigation. Because we need to know as a nation whether we can continue to elect politicians, or whether we need to start electing psychics.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BLANKS STAR WARS
Moved: 5/16/2002 7:49
CBS-BLANKS-STAR WARS 5/16/02

Fill in the Blanks. This is DR.

Here it is, Fill In The Blanks, where I read a story that you've heard way too many times, and you get the chance to play along at home by simply filling in the ... BLANKS.

Today's subject: Movies.

After waiting in line for weeks and even months, eager fans finally got to see the latest episode of ...STAR WARS.

Keep in mind that since it is the latest episode, that means it actually takes place ...BEFORE... the other episodes.

The thing to remember is that this concept makes ...PERFECT SENSE... especially if you've spent 30 days ...LIVING OUTSIDE A CINEPLEX.

But do not mistake Star Wars fans for homeless people. Star Wars fans are regular suburban dwellers who have good jobs, nice clothes, and ... CAN TALK LIKE YODA. 

Whenever a reporter asks a Star Wars fan if it was worth it to sleep outside for the right to sit in a packed theatre at Midnight, the answer is always ...IT WAS BEYOND ANYTHING YOU COULD HAVE EVER IMAGINED.

You have to say that because otherwise you feel like ... AN IDIOT.

What they really mean by that is ... FINALLY, A SEAT WITH A CUSHION!

As for the movie itself -- the characters have names like Amidala, Count Dooku, and everyone's favorite ...JAR JAR BINKS.

What these names have in common is that they're all ...VERY DOPEY. The other thing they have in common is that some day, they will all refer to ...ENRON PARTNERSHIPS.

And no matter how critics carp, and no matter what the commentators say, the receipts will be ...BEYOND ANYTHING YOU COULD HAVE EVER IMAGINED.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BUSH PHOTO
Moved: 5/15/2002 10:06
CBS-BUSH PHOTO 5/15/2002

A picture is worth -- $150 dollars. This is DR...

Today's big deal is that picture offer being sent out by Republican fund raisers.

If you donate $150 or more to attend the Republican Congressional Campaign fundraiser next month, you get a three picture set: Bush at the Inauguration, Bush giving the State of the Union Address, and Bush calling the vice President from Air Force One just hours after the September 11th attacks.

Democrats are upset - Al Gore called it a disgraceful attempt to capitalize on one of the most tragic moments in our nation's history.

So I guess I should be upset too but -- how is this different from the way politicians -- especially incumbents -- have ALWAYS raised money? They ALWAYS exploit their importance.

They stand in front of flags. They make sure they are seen going to church. They have themselves photographed with school children and police officers. 

But here's the other point. Will this photo REALLY help the President's cause?

It was, after all, taken at a time when the President was trying to figure out where to land.

Now I suppose reminding people about that moment COULD make them want to give $150, but it also might remind them of some of the evidence now emerging. This FBI memo that's just surfaced? Written last summer urging an investigation of Middle Eastern men enrolled in U.S. flight schools, which cites Osama bin Laden by name.

We keep getting reports indicating someone was asleep at the switch.

If any MORE of this stuff comes out, the Democrats might want to use that picture for THEIR fundraising.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NUKE TREATY
Moved: 5/14/2002 7:45
CBS-NUKE TREATY 5/14/2002

Thank you for not nuking. This is DR...

It's such a pleasure to open the paper and read some good news. There's the headline -- Russia and US will sign treaty to reduce nuclear arsenals.

It's big news. It's happy news. The President was bubbly: "This treaty will liquidate the legacy of the cold war" he said.

Of course it isn't perfect; nothing is...

It turns out the weapons that are being "liquidated" can be "liquidated" by putting them into storage.

And while is DOES covers the big warheads -- the ones no one in their right mind would ever use anyway -- the smaller warheads, the ones people in their right minds ARE thinking of using, aren't touched.

And there's the clause that says either side can drop out of the treaty on three months notice.

And then there's the timetable -- which says that the non-liquidation liquidation of the warheads doesn't have to be done until the year 2012. Which , coincidentally is the year the treaty expires.

However, other than that, it's a dramatic step forward. Because instead of 6000 ready-to-fire missiles, each side will have only 2,000 ready-to-fire missiles and 4,000 spares.

We're keeping the guns, but removing every third bullet.

So let us be thankful. Those of us representing the collateral damage owe a debt of gratitude to you, the world leaders who helped bring this about; who concluded that it should be at least a little more difficult to vaporize large numbers of us. I hope we can repay you in some way, if not a Nobel peace prize, then at least a Golden Globe. And of course abundant speaking fees once you leave office.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CUBA CARTER
Moved: 5/13/2002 7:47
CBS-CUBA 5/13/2002

The key to the country. This is DR...

Jimmy Carter is in Cuba, and Castro has given him the key to the country. Last night's dinner was a big success; went until one in the morning -- thanks no doubt to one of Castro's riveting riveting soybean lectures.

He's got permission to talk with dissenters; he's even got permission to knock himself out searching the country for bio weapons.

And all at a time when it is still technically illegal for Americans to visit Cuba.

To go legally... you must apply to the Treasury Department for a travel license, which you will get only if you are a working journalist, visiting a close relative in need, an academic researcher, a full-time professional attending an international conference, an athlete competing in a sanctioned international event, OR, of course, Jimmy Carter.

Otherwise, it's trading with the enemy, and you can be sent to prison if convicted -- and even punished without being convicted under the Helms Burton Act -- which imposes a summary fine of up to 50,000 and property confiscation. 

But it's never enforced: and Castro knows there has never been a better time to undermine the embargo.

Because ... it's just hard to be scared of Cuba anymore. I'm trying my best -- but our NEW enemies are so much worse. Cuba just doesn't make the cut. And heck -- look at some of our friends... can you say "Saudi Arabia" and "human rights" in the same breath? 

Castro doesn't have nukes, can't withhold oil, doesn't blow things up.

Today when you look at the pictures of Havana, you don't think "enemy", you think, "my, the cars look quaint" -- and "how could I hide those cigars?"

Now this. 
Index 

CBS AB BELTS
Moved: 5/10/2002 7:42
CBS-AB BELTS 5/9/2002

Lose two inches in ten minutes a day. This is DR...

Apparently it's all a fraud. Hard nosed, no-nonsense government investigators have concludes that those ab machines which promise to flatten your gut don't work.

The Federal Trade Commission says the claims are not only false, but absolutely false. Ha ha ha ha! Bureaucratic humor!

It means those healthy looking people who go on TV and look you in the eye actually DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING about! I didn't think people like that were allowed on TV.

But here's the thing. This may be a scam, but it is a scam that America desperately needs to believe. Because looking around at the people I pass on the street, I can tell you that for a lot of these people, a plastic belt with electrodes is the the closest to exercise they're ever going to get going to get.

And come on! Common sense tells you that if you put on a belt that's got a battery in it, for heaven sake, SOMETHING should happen. You should at least grow hair somewhere, or raise your IQ.

So you take your chances. People don't actually EXPECT to lose two inches, they just want to THINK that they are.

SO it sends potentially damaging electrical currents shooting through you!

I read a comment on this story from triathlete Steve Sokol, who holds the world sit-up record with 52,000 consecutive sit ups. You know what he says? He says the only way to get great abs is through good nutrition, exercise and conditioning. In other words, you have to eat un-appealing food, run a lot, and do 52,000 sit ups. Well, forget it.

We'd rather risk the occasional skin burns.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SIEGE OVER
Moved: 5/10/2002 7:40
CBS-SIEGE OVER 5/10/2002 

Get ready for visitors. This is DR...

The siege at the Church of the Nativity has come to a peaceful end. And that's a good thing. Although I wonder: suppose we Osama bin Laden's top lieutenants cornered. And then -- outside negotiators came in and said, "in the spirit of reconciliation we want these people sent to a hotel in Cyprus."

Would we go along?

Ah, but everything changes if your hideout... is a legendary church. And so Israel has been forced to let some of its most wanted terrorists go free.

Among those in the first group of 13, considered the most dangerous, Ibrahim Abayat, head of the Bethlehem al Aqsa Martyrs Brigades, as well as a Hamas terrorist of the same name.

They went to a hotel in Cyprus, to await exile.

The second group of 26 were NOT exiled, but sent to Gaza, where they got a triumphant welcome.

The Israeli side is not happy. They don't see how the US could be a party to this. They note that the al-Aqsa Brigades and Hamas are officially listed as terrorist groups, and that under the Bush doctrine, anyone who harbors a terrorist is also a terrorist.

Well, yeah. But the policy IS silent on those who merely give a triumphant welcome to a terrorist; and let us also remember that a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

In any case there is ONE clear message here: those who are labeled terrorists have discovered what it takes to hold of the tanks. And so if you run a house of worship in the occupied territories, better stock up on food and water and blankets, because you will very likely be entertaining armed guests in the future.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS THONG
Moved: 5/10/2002 7:40
CBS-THONG 5/3/2002

Do your own thong. This is DR

Last week I said that if we're going to slam that female vice principal in California who got in trouble for doing a thong-check on 15 year old girls, we also ought to question why 15 year olds are into buttocks liberation.

Well, never have I been so slapped around by e-mails and calls:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>thong1
Time: 1s
Title: thong1
Out-cue: ]

A bit stodgy of me.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>thong3
Time: 4s
Title: thong3
Out-cue: ]

You see, woman after woman informed me a thong is not about the sexual message, it's simply about the panty line:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>thong5
Time: 4s
Title: thong5
Out-cue: ]

So by questioning thongs on 15 year olds, I was condoning juvenile panty lines.

But then there was Rod, who has a 13 year old daughter:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>thong2
Time: 5s
Title: thong2
Out-cue: ]

Exactly! And Sharon's testimony was even MORE direct:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>thong4
Time: 13s
Title: thong4
Out-cue: ]

OK, fine, thank you Sharon:

I would just leave you with this e-mail. "Dave, I am here to tell you that parents that think thongs are merely to hide the panty line do not have a clue what they are talking about. They wear them high on the hip ... just to tease the guys and get them to look. Trust me, it works. Signed Justin, Age 19.

Now normally at this point, I'd make some smart aleck remark claiming vindication, but from now on, I'll stick to safer topics. Like the Middle East.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TERRORISTS
Moved: 5/8/2002 7:50
CBS-TERRORISTS 5/8/2002

Five days. This is DR...

It took five days to solve the case that went by the headline "Terror in the Heartland."

The FBI says the man who dropped 17 drive-by pipe bombs in country mailboxes is Luke Helder, a college junior, and at one time lead vocalist for this rock band called "Apathy." (TAPE)

If the FBI is right, what we have is yet another musician who figured that the key to getting the world to listen ... was just to play louder.

Personally, I thought that calling him a terrorist was a little overdone for pipe bombs in mailboxes, but if we're going to use the label, then we need to look at the difference between his case, and the terrorist who exploded in a pool hall outside Tel Aviv.

The pool hall bomber will be considered a neighborhood hero. His face will be stenciled on walls and buildings in the West Bank and Gaza, and labeled "martyr." His family will receive admiration, and a payment from Saudi Arabia. As a result, there will be many others ready to follow in his footsteps.

By contrast, Luke Helder was fingered a school newspaper editor who recognized his prose, and a motorist who recognized his car.

Soon his own father was begging him to surrender, and after a quick negotiation, he gave up 50 miles east of Reno.

He had to give up -- because as big as America is, as CHECKPOINT FREE as America is, there was no place for him to hide.

There's the REAL difference between the two terrorists -- the communities they live in.

One clutches terrorists to its bosom; the other spits them out.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MAILBOX 5/6/2002
Moved: 5/7/2002 9:22
CBS-MAILBOX 5/6/2002

Exploding mailboxes. This is DR...

Since September 11 we've been worried about the next wave of attacks. We've been warned to expect more anthrax. A dirty bomb.

But what we're actually getting is.... exploding mailboxes.

Are we perhaps lowering the threshold of terrorist acts that merit national publicity?

Maybe it's good. Maybe if we give these guys coverage in the early stages of their dysfunction, they won't feel compelled to blow up a building.

So let's look at what his note says:

"Attention people," it begins.

You do things because you can and want to.

If the government controls what you want to do, they control what you can
do.

If you are under the impression that death exists, and you fear it, you do anything to avoid it.

In avoiding death you are forced to conform, if you fail to conform, you suffer mentally and physically.

I'm here to help you understand that you will live no matter what! There is no such thing as death." 

OK. I've heard that message before. Usually from pulpit not the mailbox, but the note continues:

"As long as you are uninformed about death you will continue to say "how high" when the government tells you to "jump". 

I'm obtaining your attention in the only way I can. More 'attention getters' are on the way. 

Sincerely, Someone Who Cares"

So, we have another frustrated philosopher on the loose. Someone who wants to free us from the shackles of our self-imposed fear.

Well I appreciate that, sir, and if that's what you REALLY want to do, send another note promising never to fly, OK.

Now this.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>cbs-mon-mailbox
Time: 95s
Title: cbs-mon-mailbox
Out-cue: ]
Index 

CBS ENRON SCAM
Moved: 5/7/2002 9:22
CBS-ENRON SCAM 5/7/2002

Questionable techniques. This is DR...

Remember the power crisis in California? The rolling blackouts, the soaring prices? Defenders of the free market blamed it on drought and wacky environmentalists. But now documents released by the federal government show you can add another reason to the list: Wacky Enron executives.

To quote the New York Times, "Enron drove up prices during the California power crisis through "questionable techniques."

Questionable techniques.

That's like saying a bank robber uses "questionable techniques" to withdraw money.

And judging by the code names Enron assigned to these questionable techniques, its executives not only used them, they REVELED in them.

Death Star, Get Shorty, and Fat Boy. 

The strategy was pretty simple. The documents indicate they just LIED about the expected demand for electricity: and scared people into paying any price.

In other words, questionable techniques.

And why are these incriminating Enron documents coming out now? Is it because Enron's lawyers were finally overwhelmed by pangs of conscience and now seek to be as cooperative as possible? 

I suppose. It could also be because the company has been broken apart, and the executives who wrote the memos are gone, so that just as in the retirement scam, there will be no way to get the money back. 

This puts a whole new spin on the Enron story. We all thought Enron's big sin was entering into shady deals that ate up retirement funds and caused an unnecessary bankruptcy. But looking at these charges, my Spidey sense tells me that Enron's bankruptcy was a blessing.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GAS PRICES
Moved: 4/30/2002 7:47
CBS-GAS PRICES 4/30/2002

The oil industry pumps you up. This is DR...

It's official -- gas prices are going up again, as they do every year at this time, but NOW the Senate demands to know why. 

Because Senators have in their hands a new report indicating the reason may be... oh, man I hope you're sitting down; I hope you have the air bag switched on -- the reason may be that oil companies are deliberately raising gas prices!

And I'm quoting here right from the wire dispatch -- the increases in gas prices, according to Senate investigators, are "deliberate;" these increases are apparently ON PURPOSE.

I'm just trying to figure out -- how ELSE would gas prices go up.

Is there such a thing as an ACCIDENTAL increase in gas prices? Oil industry executives get to work one morning, turn on the computer, "Son of a gun, darn computer raised the price of gas while we weren't looking! Gotta do something about that!"

You think gas hits $2 by accident? Like because Exxon accidentally ran out of "1"s for its reader boards?

NO! Of course gas prices are increased deliberately.

And the OTHER thing the Senate discovered was that oil companies are guilty of GREED.

No! I thought the reason you drilled into remote deserts, loaded the oil into colossal ships, and turned it into highly flammable liquids was for the ENTERTAINMENT value!

Of COURSE it's greed.

So now they're going to take testimony to figure out why the price is so high. The price of gas is high because a 7000 pound eight cylinder Chevy Suburban won't run on OATMEAL.

A nation that's getting 11 miles a gallon is like a greek chorus chanting "Rip us off! Make it hurt more!"

Now this. 
Index 

JERUSALEM SCRIPTS
Moved: 4/29/2002 5:48
CBSJERUSALEM 4/15/2002

The luxury of ignorance. This is DR.... This week from Jerusalem.

When you visit Jerusalem for the first time, you have the luxury of ignorance. You can tell yourself you're simply taking a trip through the Bible. You can look out and see an ancient city of towers and domes and arches and restaurants with plenty of seating.

You can stroll through the old city without ever encountering a crowd. You can take as much time as you like at the archaeological sites; pause on a balcony to admire that distant city on a hill; you can walk around like you own the place.

But of course you don't own the place. And the moment you try to find out who DOES own the place  well, that's when your eyes are opened.

Those archaeological sites are not just interesting holes in the ground  they are evidence of a Jewish presence going back thousands of years. Like a deed to the land. And those cities on a hill  those are the settlements hated by Palestinians who say  artifacts or not  the land was taken. That neighborhood you just walked through where the stone looks much newer: that was an urban renewal project with demolition courtesy of Jordanian bombs. That restaurant with the great lamb chops and plenty of seating  that's a block away from the spot where two days before, a woman blew herself up.

And as you continue to listen, you realize that you're not just looking at history, you are NECK DEEP in it. "We want to live in peace." say the Jews in Jerusalem. "WE want to live in peace" say the Palestinians on the West Bank. "We will stay here because we have always been here," say the Jews. "We will stay here because WE have always been here," say the Palestinians.

And suddenly your trip through the Bible is a trip through the newspaper.

Now this.

CBSTUESDAY 4/16/2002

This is DR... this week from Jerusalem,

This was Memorial day in Israel. At I I a.m., the sirens sounded and people literally stopped whatever they were doing to honor Israel's fallen soldiers. We were on a major highway near the convention center: at 11:00, traffic stopped, drivers stood beside their cars in silence.

The patriotism goes deep, and nowhere deeper than in a little enclave called Shimon Hatzaddick. It's a cluster of apartments built into a hillside in East Jerusalem, unremarkable except that the six families who live there are Jewish, and East Jerusalem is Arab neighborhood.

TAPE: We want to live in Jerusalem and this is Jerusalem

That's Tahel. Her child was asleep in the next room, and on the dining table, a notice from the army that her husband is being called up. One other detail: to enter her home, you pass by a guard shack in which stand two men with flack jackets and machine guns.

TAPE: All the fighting is about the leaders

She's here, she says, because Jews have always been here  and because she wants to prove a point: that if Arabs and Jews can live side by side HERE, they can do it anywhere:

TAPE: What we do here can be enjoyed by anyone.

But for now, the machine guns will stay.

Now this.

This is DR

CBSFEARWEDS 4/17/2002

No fear. This is DR on the CBS Radio Network, from Jerusalem.

Since I arrived here I've been doing about ten interviews a day with radio stations around the country, and one of the most common questions I get is: "Aren't you afraid?"

And the answer strangely enough is ... no.

And I think the reason is that it's hard to feel afraid when the people around you don't seem to be afraid.

I'm not a war correspondent; I'm here to gather opinions, but earlier this week, I was in a neighborhood near the Church of the Nativity, enjoying a chocolate ice cream bar, chatting with some Palestinians during a break in the curfew, when we heard the sound of gunfire from the direction of Manger Square.

Like a dummy I'd left the flack jacket in the car  but when I looked around I noticed that no one was diving for cover. Heck, even the CHILDREN seemed calm. So, adopting a totally relaxed demeanor, I very casually wandered behind a truck  making it clear by my cool body language that I simply preferred to be standing in the shade just then.

And it was the same when I got back to Jerusalem on the Israeli side.

The crowd at last night's Independence Day celebration was smaller than usual, due to warnings of a possible attack. But when I got to the celebration at Zion Square, site of three bombings  the rock music was playing, and kids were squirting each other with shaving cream  one of the few traditions here NOT found in the bible  and not only that, but the city set off a huge fireworks display from the roof of the Sheraton.

That you would deliberately set off loud explosions in the middle of Jerusalem at a time like this shows an almost pathological commitment to normalcy. And the funny thing is  it actually works.

Now this.

CBSRAMALLAH 4/18/2002

My trip to Ramallah. This DR...

No, I wasn't trying to see Arafat, it was my last day here, and I had an appointment to meet a missionary couple on the West Side of Ramallah, older people, both retired, innocent as you can get.

So here's the reality of trying to travel when there's a military operation underway. Number one, cab drivers are afraid of driving the road that leads to Ramallah, because it goes through Palestinian neighborhoods. But the concierge did find one: Avner is his name; and as we raced along a remarkably empty highway, I asked him why he was willing to make the trip, and he said  I have fought in four wars; I was a tank commander; I believe in God.

I took solace in that, I guess. We drove a few more minutes, to the sign that said "Ramallah, turn left," and the road the road turned dusty. There was barbed wire, and a checkpoint. No problem. Then we started passing tanks, there was a wrecked car with a broken windshield, and finally, a second checkpoint with an armored bulldozer.

I could see some Arabs waiting to cross, so I got out to try for an interview, and then, something about the cab must have aroused suspicion. Because an Israeli soldier came up, demanded Avner's license, and made it very clear he meant NOW:

TAPE:

Well you know how you fumble for a license when the cops stop you. He finally finds it, and the soldier looks it over and finally says get out of here.

TAPE:

So I will not get to meet my missionary couple. But I wouldn't call it a wasted trip. After my little journey to Ramallah, I will never again be quite so annoyed by toll booths, traffic jams, idiot drivers, or rude cops.

Now this.

CBSFRIARAFAT 4/19/2002

Make a choice. This is DR... from Jerusalem.

The Secretary of State came away from the Middle East emptyhanded. But that doesn't mean the trip was wasted. Because he delivered an important message to Yasser Arafat: that he must make a strategic choice, and "lead his people away from violence."

In other words, no more placing orders for suicide bombs, no more arms shipments from Iran, no more martyr talk. Otherwise, six months from now the President officially declares you a terrorist, and all the traffic lights on the highway between Jerusalem and Ramallah suddenly turn green.

What's happened is that Yasser Arafat has just lost another war. His only victory was a victory over tourism; he's killed it. Which hurts not only Israelis, but all those lonely Arab shopkeepers in the Old City trying to move their stock of stuffed camels and post cards.

He may also have killed the idea of land for peace, because the attitude of the Israelis I've encountered is the more land you give Arafat, the LESS peace you get in return.

But Dave, you say, that's arrogant! That attitude will never make Israel secure and don't Israeli's want security?

Of course they do. Here's how it works.

I was at an Independence Day barbeque at a village called Beit Shemesh. My host, Avi Newman, is a member of the "Neighborhood Watch." If there's a report of trouble from a nearby arab village, he explained, he gets the call at work, he comes home, and he goes on patrol. "Would you like me to take you out and show you?" he asked.

Sure, I said. AT which point, he excused himself from the barbeque, and while the kids played with their battery o pe rated bumper cars, he went upstairs, and came back with a loaded M16. And I can tell you  he seemed to feel very secure.

Now this.

CBSSATYAD VASHEM 4/20/2022

History repeating itself? This is DR... from Jerusalem.

On the outskirts of Jerusalem is the Jewish Holocaust Memorial Yad Vashem. Among the exhibits there, photos and artifacts from the Warsaw Ghetto: the walled neighborhood created by the Nazis to confine Polish Jews.

Some Palestinians claim that today, the Jews have turned around and done the same to them.

So I put that question to Dr. Robert Rozette, director of the research library at Yad Vashem:

TAPE: "The situation has nothing to do with the Holocaust... it is a fight for land."

But he says there is one universal lesson that DOES relate:

TAPE: "We cannot stereotype people based on an arbitrary characteristic. We must learn to see people as human beings always."

A noble concept. But it's crystal clear to anyone who scratches the surface in Israel and the West Bank that stereotyping is a way of life here. You cannot separate people from their tribe because they won't let you. It's not just WHO you are that's important; here, they want to know WHAT you are. And whether they trust you depends on the answer.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SAT YAD VASHEM
Moved: 4/26/2002 11:28
CBS-SAT-YAD VASHEM 4/20/2022

History repeating itself? This is DR... from Jerusalem.

On the outskirts of Jerusalem is the Jewish Holocaust Memorial Yad Vashem. Among the exhibits there, photos and artifacts from the Warsaw Ghetto: the walled neighborhood created by the Nazis to confine Polish Jews. 

Some Palestinians claim that today, the Jews have turned around and done the same to them.

So I put that question to Dr. Robert Rozette, director of the research library at Yad Vashem:

TAPE: "The situation has nothing to do with the Holocaust... it is a fight for land."

But he says there is one universal lesson that DOES relate:

TAPE: "We cannot stereotype people based on an arbitrary characteristic. We must learn to see people as human beings always."

A noble concept. But it's crystal clear to anyone who scratches the surface in Israel and the West Bank that stereotyping is a way of life here. You cannot separate people from their tribe because they won't let you. It's not just WHO you are that's important; here, they want to know WHAT you are. And whether they trust you depends on the answer.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FRI ARAFAT
Moved: 4/26/2002 11:22
CBS-FRI-ARAFAT 4/19/2002

Make a choice. This is DR... from Jerusalem.

The Secretary of State came away from the Middle East empty-handed. But that doesn't mean the trip was wasted. Because he delivered an important message to Yasser Arafat: that he must make a strategic choice, and "lead his people away from violence."

In other words, no more placing orders for suicide bombs, no more arms shipments from Iran, no more martyr talk. Otherwise, six months from now the President officially declares you a terrorist, and all the traffic lights on the highway between Jerusalem and Ramallah suddenly turn green.

What's happened is that Yasser Arafat has just lost another war. His only victory was a victory over tourism; he's killed it. Which hurts not only Israelis, but all those lonely Arab shopkeepers in the Old City trying to move their stock of stuffed camels and post cards.

He may also have killed the idea of land for peace, because the attitude of the Israelis I've encountered is the more land you give Arafat, the LESS peace you get in return.

But Dave, you say, that's arrogant! That attitude will never make Israel secure -- and don't Israeli's want security?

Of course they do. Here's how it works.

I was at an Independence Day barbeque at a village called Beit Shemesh. My host, Avi Newman, is a member of the "Neighborhood Watch." If there's a report of trouble from a nearby arab village, he explained, he gets the call at work, he comes home, and he goes on patrol. "Would you like me to take you out and show you?" he asked.

Sure, I said. AT which point, he excused himself from the barbeque, and while the kids played with their battery-operated bumper cars, he went upstairs, and came back with a loaded M-16. And I can tell you -- he seemed to feel very secure.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ENERGY
Moved: 4/26/2002 7:40
CBS-ENERGY 4/26/2002

Your personal energy policy. This is DR...

The Senate has passed an energy bill. Let's see what we have:

There would be tax breaks for insulating houses, buying hybrid cars, producing power from animal waste and using "clean coal" technologies. 

No additional drilling for oil and gas in Alaska.

Nothing to force car makers to boost mileage.

And they dropped a requirement to increase air conditioner efficiency.

It all could be changed in conference, but do you get a sense of urgency from this legislation?

I get two messages from this: number one: pray for peace. Which of course we should all be doing anyway.

Number two message: start your own gas fund.

I know the reports today say that the Saudi Prince bonded with the Texas President, but I have this funny feeling. I keep hearing that the seething masses in Saudi Arabia don't like us quite as much as the Prince does. And I have this feeling that if he has to decide between his new American buddies, and keeping the mobs away from the palace, the Americans lose.

So I think the prudent thing to do, since we seem to have so much trouble adopting a decisive national energy policy, is for each of us to adopt a decisive PERSONAL energy policy. Just in case.

I would suggest that every time you buy gas, you keep the receipt, and then deposit an equal amount in a gas savings account. So for every dollar you spend on gas, you PUT AWAY a dollar -- on the off chance that the price might.... oh, increase at some future date.

On second thought, maybe you should put away TWO.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS GATES SAT
Moved: 4/26/2002 7:27
[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>cbs-gates-sat
Time: 95s
Title: cbs-gates-sat
Out-cue: ]

CBS-GATES SAT 4/25/2002

Digital justice. This is DR...

This week Bill Gates finally testified in person at the Microsoft anti-trust trial.

At issue -- whether a settlement reached last year between Microsoft and the Department of Justice is in the public interest, or whether the court should impose a tougher penalty demanded by nine states and the District of Columbia.

Now it's hard for most of us to know who's right in a story like this, because to know who's right, you'd need an intimate understanding of computer operating systems. Most of us won't even FLIRT with the operating system much less get intimate, so we have to trust others and hope that THEY know what they're talking about.

So, you have the lawyers for the nine states saying that Microsoft needs to break the Windows operating system into pieces, so that customers can buy only what they need, and Bill Gates saying that if you do that, it would effectively be the end of Windows, and he would withdraw it from the market.

Now I have to say, if the Saudis want to cut off our oil, I can cope with that. But if Gates cuts off Windows, I'm through. Incommunicado.

So I would propose this: that if there are nine states that think Windows should be broken into pieces, that the judge require Windows be broken into pieces IN THOSE NINE STATES.

Which would mean the residents of Iowa, Utah, Massachusetts, Connecticut, California, Kansas, Florida, Minnesota, and West Virginia can enjoy their God-given right to assemble their own operating systems.

And those of us who live in the other states can get rich smuggling them computers that actually work.

Now this. This is DR. 
Index 

CBS CARDINAL GEORGE
Moved: 4/25/2002 7:13
CBS-CARDINAL GEORGE 4/24/2002

Celibacy, not chastity. This is DR...

The Cardinals have agreed on a zero tolerance policy for any priest involved in a sex abuse case. The question in my mind is, why wasn't that ALWAYS the policy?

And the answer seems to be that there has been a lot of wiggle room on the issue of celibacy. Listen to this clip from Cardinal Francis George of Chicago:

[Cart No: <8 Raw Carts>george
Time: 18s
Out-cue: ]

Well, we all understand the difference between forced sex and voluntary sex, but when you're a priest, I thought the drill was NO sex. 

And then I got this e-mail:

Dear Dave, I AM A 62 YEAR OLD CATHOLIC AND WHEN I WAS YOUNGER MY PRIEST HAD A GIRLFRIEND AND SPENT OVERNIGHTS WITH HER. I ASKED HIM ABOUT IT AND HE REPLIED, " I TOOK A VOW OF 'CELIBACY' NOT 'CHASTITY'. Signed Gary.

So I looked it up. And Gary has a point.

Most people think that "celibacy" means to "abstain from immoral sexual activity." 

But it doesn't. THAT is the definition of CHASTITY. 

The number one dictionary definition of "celibacy"is simply "the state of being unmarried." It comes from the Latin word "caelibatus", which means merely SINGLE as opposed to "castus", which means "pure."

So what may be going on here is that when it comes to official Church policy, some bishops still prefer Latin.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PRIESTS
Moved: 4/24/2002 7:34
CBS-PRIESTS 4/23/2002

Only human. This is DR...

The Pope has issued a statement regarding the sex abuse allegations against American priests, and he was pretty clear:

"The abuse which has caused this crisis," he said "is ... an appalling sin in the eyes of God... "

That makes it official: sexual abuse is wrong.

The thing is, I think most of us who grew up Catholic kind of assumed that!

Catholics -- of my generation, anyway -- grew up idealizing their priests. Maybe our expectations were too high, but if the Church knew all along that priests were only human, we never got a heads up. Here was a man with the power to forgive sins for heavens' sake! A man who stood at the altar in imitation of Jesus, even to the point of vowing celibacy!

Heck, I remember being shocked to find out that a priest I knew SMOKED, never mind this stuff.

And yet, despite the Pope's clarity, some church officials still see grey areas.

I heard a Cardinal explain on television this morning that one reason the scandal is so big in the US is that here the age of majority here is 18, whereas Europe it's 15. Therefore, molesting a 16 year old is a crime here, but it would NOT be in Europe.

Look -- celibacy may be controversial, but it's a pretty simple concept: it means priests shouldn't be fooling around with ANYONE of ANY age, period.

The issue doesn't require a lot of subtlety.

The bishops say they will develop a plan of action. How about this: priests take a vow of celibacy. Celibacy means abstention from all sexual relations. Therefore, you break the vow, you're not a priest. Issue the statement, and come home.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS VATICAN
Moved: 4/23/2002 5:51
CBS-VATICAN 4/22/2002

What will the Vatican do? This is DR...

The Pope has called a meeting of American cardinals over the sex scandal in the American church, and everyone is wondering what he'll do.

It appears the Vatican is concerned that pressure is building for radical action, such as ending celibacy.

But I don't think celibacy or married priests are the issues for most Catholics.

The Catholic Church is not quite the same as other Christian churches in America. At every Catholic Mass, a miracle occurs. Right there on the altar, in the presence of the congregation, the priest presides over the changing of ordinary bread and wine into the body and blood of Christ himself.

Once he says the final prayer of the consecration, he's holding God in his hands.

So on the news today, I saw a clip of Cardinal Law first acknowledging from the pulpit that there have been calls for his resignation, and wishing he could turn back the clock.

And then I saw a clip of him offering mass.

He's there in the pulpit acknowledging a sex scandal one moment, and then holding God in his hands the next.

THAT's the problem. It takes a very open minded Catholic to be comfortable with that.

Because in the Catholic church, a priest isn't just an administrator, he celebrates the ritual of the mass. This ritual is not a theatre piece, it summons the actual presence of God. It recreates the Last Supper.

SO the Cardinals will meet, and try to decide what to do. They will talk about forgiveness. They may even note that after all, Jesus forgave Judas. True enough. But I doubt the other apostles would have invited him to dinner again.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ALTERNATIVE SAT
Moved: 4/11/2002 7:49
CBS-ALTERNATIVE 4/10/2002

Can America be stopped. This is DR...

Once again we hear America criticized as an arrogant bully; a nation seeking to impose itself on the rest of the world. And this, we are told, is the reason there will always be someone trying to blow us up.

And yet, as we've seen, trying to scare a rich Western democracy into submission doesn't always work. Sometimes they get scared enough to fight back.

I would like to lay out an alternative for those oppressed populations who feel the need take out their frustrations against America.

Beat us at our own game.

You don't like the way we export our culture? Export a BETTER one, and we'll probably buy it. 

Make better fast food. Or a better sitcom. Or a better car.

The Arab states, for example. I think of all the oil money we send to them, and I wonder: instead of using it to reward suicide, why don't they use it to create a line of giant gas guzzling cars? We Americans would buy 'em in a heartbeat. They can't lose.

We have no problem at all buying stuff from our cultural opponents. If Cuba was opened up would be buying Cuban cigars? You bet. Heck, we go to Canada to buy them now. They're unhealthy, they're made by communists -- but we don't care!

If you can come up with something we want to buy, we give you our money.

Then you can spend it to print holy books, contribute to political causes, buy full page ads in the New York Times stating your case, buy off our politicians -- you don't have to bomb us to beat us. When you bomb us, we bomb you back, and then some.

But -- if you can under PRICE us, we're through.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MUSCLE PILL
Moved: 4/11/2002 7:49
CBS-MUSCLE PILL 4/11/2002

Free muscles. This is DR...

Here it is; the latest idea for getting the body you've always wanted: a pill that builds muscle.

Researchers were looking for ways to help people with heart disease or other conditions that prevent them from getting enough exercise. They manipulated the genes in lab mice to make a couple of special proteins, and they found out that when the cells made these special proteins, those little mouse muscles toned up in exactly the same way they would with vigorous exercise.

The mice with the proteins were just as buff as the control mice that were put through the exercise regimen. AND they saved a bundle on club fees.

Now once again, this is designed for heart patients; people with walkers. Not for healthy people. But we all know who's going to want the muscle pill when it finally comes out. EVERYBODY.

I predict a significant demand for a pill that gets you buff while you sleep.

I just hope we understand the implications.

Because, you see, nowhere in the story do I see one word about the pill doing anything about fat. It just builds the muscles. So what'll happen is people will take the pill to build their muscles as they sleep, they'll stop exercising because they don't have to anymore, and we'll become a nation of very strong FAT people. 

By 2010 the judges will be handing out gold medals to anybody who can stand up.

You'll need a liposuction station on every corner.

There's also nothing about the pill increasing your coordination either. So we'll become a nation of very strong, fat, stumbling people.

Never mind cloning -- THIS is REALLY scary.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CLONING3
Moved: 4/11/2002 7:49
CBS-CLONING3 04/10/02 9:59 PMDLR 1:25 

Makin' copies. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Cloning is just too creepy for a lot of people. Scientists say all they want to do is clone stem cells to grow replacement organs and save lives, but will they stop there? 

Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones! Nobody wants that. The Boys from Brazil - about crazed Nazi scientists planning to clone Adolph Hitler. I doubt he'd ever poll decent numbers again, but such is the stereotype: Clones are evil.

Except  there aren't any yet. This is all out of a fear cloning that will be misused to harvest organs from actual humans. But how would that work? "Well, we don't know how to break this to you, Ed, but we're going to be needing your liver." See, I think there are laws against that kind of thing already.

And of all the crazy technologies humans have invented, why does CLONING come in for such special scrutiny. The idea here IS to SAVE lives, right?

What about all the OTHER stuff we invent? There are inventions out there WAY creepier than clones. All those video game weapons we have  someone moves cursor on a target and a robot plane fires the missile? Where was the public debate on that? Nuclear fission. The 250-horsepower passenger car -- completely legal. Food additives. Pepper gas. Stock derivatives. This new muscle pill. These things, we just let happen! 

But cloning: gotta stop it before it starts!

If Congress and the President want to debate the legality of progress, that's fine - but then I say we debate ALL of it.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS AIRPORT
Moved: 4/10/2002 7:50
CBS-AIRPORT 4/10/2002

What does it take? This is DR...

It's been about two months since the federal government took over airport security, so USA decided to take a look at how it's going.

The paper checked confidential security documents for one day, February 22nd, and found the following incidents that did NOT make the news:

Melbourne Florida, screener finds a Delta Air Lines flight vest in the backpack of an 18 year old. A little unauthorized souvenir from a previous flight. He's invited to choose another airline.

Boston -- a passenger is told he's too early for check in and his comeback is - "Theoretically, if I had a bomb, what difference would it make?" The airline calls the cops, and invites the man to choose another airline.

Birmingham -- a screener overhears a conversation which goes roughly as follows: "security here is so lousy I could get through with a bomb in my pants." The passengers are arrested, and get to visit with the FBI.

Corpus Christi -- a passenger being screened with a wand decides that the flowing comment would be appropriate: "If I have to go through this at every airport, I am going to kill someone." He goes to jail.

And that was just one day. In their first five weeks on the job, according to USA Today, government screeners confiscated nearly half a million potential weapons ... not to mention the life vest.

You people are scaring me, OK? I know a butter knife doesn't sound like a big deal, but why do you need to bring your own? Can't you borrow a friend's butter knife when you get there? And just because you're thinking the word "bomb", do you have to say it out loud, AT the airport, IN the screenng area? Wait 'til you're in the taxi!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DRINKING
Moved: 4/9/2002 7:43
CBS-DRINKING 4/9/2002

There's drinking going on! This is DR...

It's billed as the most comprehensive look ever at the consequences of student drinking.

A study by the Task Force on College Drinking found that drinking on campus is so bad, that 14-hundred college kids are killed each year in car crashes, falls and drownings due to alcohol.

It recommends more research on prevention of college drinking.

More research? Didn't these guys go to college themselves?

A kid graduates high school, where he can be expelled for having a butter knife, finally goes to college, and a lifetime of pent-up beer commercials explodes in his adolescent brain.

We know why kids drink: To get drunk! What I don't get is, if drinking is such a big problem on campus, how so many of these drunk students manage to stay in school. If they're doing that much partying, how do they keep their grades up?

These classes must not be terribly difficult if you can pass them hung-over.

Make the classes more difficult! Or how about this: make kids graduate in four years. Yikes! That would sober you up.

But about the only new policy we see on campus is the "substance free dorm."

Substance free dorms -- the concept here is in the unlikely event they actually catch you with the booze, they immediately expel you to a NON-substance free dorm where you can do anything you want and nobody cares.

No we know what's going on here. Colleges could certainly reduce the drinking problem with a simple policy change: "come to class drunk, and you flunk. Blow a point one, and you're done."

But not when it means losing $30,000 in tuition and fees... 

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ISRAEL3
Moved: 4/8/2002 10:51
CBS-ISRAEL3 4/8/02

Point of no return. This is DR...

President Bush may be the commander in chief, but that, as it turns out, does not include the Israeli Army. Withdraw immediately! Withdraw without delay! Withdraw now! And while the President tries to find new synonyms, Prime Minister Sharon finds ways to ignore them.

Quoting Bush's own anti-terror speeches has worked pretty well so far, but now he has an even better reason. It appears to be working. The before-and-after case is pretty compelling: before, a suicide bomb a day. Past nine days, ZERO.

The rest of the world may feel less secure, but ISRAELIS have reason to feel MORE secure.

SO the operation will continue -- for eight more weeks, according to one report.

But THEN things get interesting. What happens AFTER it's over?

If Israel is allowed to "finish the job" to ITS satisfaction, that would mean the organized forces of terror are gone. It would be as if Arafat had done everything he's been asked to do all these years.

There would be a few free lance bombers left, no doubt, but organized bombings -- by definition -- would be impossible.

Which means: Israel could no longer complain that Yasser Arafat supports a terrorist organization, because there would be no effective terrorist organization left to support.

Once that's done, once the terrorist infrastructure has been rooted out -- what would then prevent a peace agreement? 

Presumably, nothing. Which means Israel could get about the business of giving Palestinians equal rights. The humiliations could end. I wonder if either side is ready to let that happen.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS POWELL
Moved: 4/5/2002 8:51
CBS-POWELL 4/5/2002

Is it clear now? This is DR...

When the President made his statement in the Rose Garden, demanding that Israel withdraw it's forces from Palestinian territory, it sounded like he meant now.

In fact, in listening to the speech, I was convinced that the whole thing had been greased. I figured he'd just gotten off the phone with Ariel Sharon, and Sharon had said -- give me the cover to pull back, Mr. President, and I'll do it.

Instead, the Israelis are pointing out that, yes, he said withdraw, but he didn't say WHEN -- so in the meantime, they're actually speeding up the operation.

A New York Times editorial called it a good speech that clarified the President's policy. And I don't presume to question the Times. I'm sure they understand it. But I'm mystified.

Here's my reading of US policy as of yesterday: we don't trust Yasser Arafat, we've defined the organizations he supports as terrorist organizations, but Arafat himself is not a terrorist.

We believe Israel has a right to defend itself against terrorism, just as the US does. But now Israel must withdraw. 

And, the strangest line of all -- we are demanding that the Israelis be compassionate at border checkpoints. Here in America, where we are basically at peace, it's official policy that federal screeners paw through your underwear in search of nail clippers, and if someone tries to run off with the nail clippers, the concourse shuts down and everyone's three hours late. Meantime Israel, in the middle of an actual shooting war, is supposed to be compassionate at checkpoints? 

Well, I guess that's why some people are diplomats, and the rest of us are not.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS RUDENESS
Moved: 4/5/2002 8:50
CBS-RUDENESS 4/5/2002

The rudeness epidemic. This is DR....

Recently there was another survey about modern life in America and it found that we are awash in rudeness.

79 percent of the two thousand adults called up by the research group Public Agenda said a lack of respect and courtesy in American society is a serious problem, and most of those feel it's gotten worse.

And here's the one that most people seemed to identify with -- impolite highway behavior. Six drivers in 10 said they regularly see other people driving aggressively or recklessly.

Experts proposed various reasons for it -- one expert said it was growing social isolation, while other expert say it's overcrowding that's doing it.

And some politicians have proposed more laws to deal with it.

Please!

We HAVE laws. We have a LOT of laws. The cops can stop you for singing off-key and then search your glove compartment for crack.

You can't talk on your cell phone at the wheel, you shouldn't smoke, too much meat because that will kill you, coffee can be dangerous, TV is bad for you, the tax law changes every year, I can't understand my phone bill... enough rules!

How about everybody just drive faster.

America's official energy policy is to sell as many giant vehicles with 250 horsepower engines as possible. Well, when you're trying to drive a car like that behind some moron going the speed limit, of COURSE you're going to go nuts. Of COURSE you're going to ride his bumper. Of course you're going to try to force him into a ditch. It's only natural.

The etiquette is simple... the car with the biggest engine gets the right of way, and everyone's happy.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PEACE PLAN
Moved: 4/4/2002 9:00
CBS-PEACE PLAN 4/4/2002

Another chance. This is DR...

The President has now jumped in with both feet. He's told Israel to pull back, he's told the Palestinians not to retaliate, and he's sent Secretary of State Powell to negotiate a settlement.

He must have had some indication that there was an opening here -- and I'm betting it came from Saudi Arabia.

There is reason to believe that wiser heads in the Arab world now understand that Palestinian resistance has been a mistake. 

A column in today's Arab News, published in Saudi Arabia points out the high costs of the Intifada. It pegs Palestinian losses at $5 billion dollars.

It also points out that a peace agreement would very likely lead to a Marshall Plan to reconstruct Israel and Palestine, and resettle refugees.

It proposes an economic union -- so that there would be free trade between Israel,
Palestine, Jordan, Lebanon and Syria. 

But most important, this column, in an official Saudi newspaper, points out the economic vitality of Israel, and how it could help make everybody in the region rich.

It says the story about the Israeli miracle of making the desert bloom is a myth, and that Palestinians can make the desert bloom too -- except that with all the restrictions and checkpoint, their produce rots on the way to market. 

But if peace were to break out, Israel would get some real economic competition.

In short, the column is making the point that a peace agreement would give the Palestinians a chance to get even by getting rich.

The last week has demonstrated that the Palestinians cannot win the war. So maybe it's time for them to try to win the peace.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WHAT NEXT
Moved: 4/3/2002 8:39
CBS-WHAT NEXT 4/3/2002

Do something! This is DR...

DO SOMETHING seems to be cry from around the world to US diplomats. DO something to stop Israel! This is not a fair fight. The Palestinians don't have a chance. It could destabilize the whole region. Look at the demonstrations in Jordan, Lebanon, Egypt!

Let me think: when the United States went to war in Afghanistan, did we worry that the other side didn't have F-16s, or smart bombs, or daisy cutters? When demonstrations broke out in Pakistan, did we stop? 

Are we REALLY going to tell Ariel Sharon -- give your enemy a sporting chance?

I wouldn't want to be the one making that phone call. Especially now that Israel says it has the smoking gun.

It's in a letter recovered from Arafat's Ramallah headquarters, and signed by the al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigades -- an itemized list of supplies: including item number 5: (QUOTE) "... electrical goods and miscellaneous chemical substances... We need 5-9 devices per week for the squads in the different regions. (UNQUOTE)

That appears to refer to suicide bombs. IS it a forgery? I don't know. But when the US found those al-Qaida documents did we worry whether they were forgeries?

See, I don't who has the better case -- but I do know who has the better weapons. And if the United States didn't feel compelled to hold back against a weaker foe, why would Israel?

And remember -- the US isn't as one-sided as it appears. The money to pay for those supplies, including item number five, comes from the Arab countries who in turn get it from the oil they sell. Which means we help the Palestinian cause every time we buy gas.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ARAFAT
Moved: 4/3/2002 6:20
CBS-ARAFAT 4/02/2002

Home free. This is DR...

"The Bush Doctrine", announced after September 11th, states that we can kick out any leader who sponsors terrorism. That's how we justified overthrowing the Taliban, and it is apparently how we plan to justify going after Saddam Hussein. 

Nice and simple: We decide you're a terrorist, out you go.

The trouble with simple doctrines is that the real world ISN'T so simple.

Because now the United States is warning Israel: Don't touch Yasser Arafat. Tiptoe around him! You might make things worse!

That's puzzling, because even if you think Arafat is on the side of the angels, he certainly APPEARS to fit the US definition of "sponsoring terrorism." [He unleashes forces which he then cannot or WILL not control. >3/28/02] 

SO then how is it that the US is allowed to overthrow the Taliban, and very possibly Saddam Hussein, while Israel is NOT allowed to overthrow Yasser Arafat.

Here's the explanation the White House has come up with.

The explanation is that Chairman Arafat has agreed to a peace process. He has signed official documents.

THAT's what protects him.

OK -- but did you see who was lined up last week in Beirut agreeing to the new Arab peace plan? Iraq! Iraq has ALSO signed documents. Like that truce to end the Gulf War -- hasn't exactly abided by it, in fact we've labelled Saddam a big fat liar -- but Chairman Arafat also has trouble consummating his relationship with the truth.

And then there's Osama. Remember him? If agreeing to a peace process takes a terrorist out of the cross hairs -- suppose Osama announces that he's willing to engage in a peace process. Instead of shooting him -- we'd give him a Secret Service detail?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ISRAEL2
Moved: 4/2/2002 12:00
CBS-ISRAEL2 4/1/2002

Who's safer? This is Dave Ross...

The headline reads: European Peace Activitists shield Arafat. Dateline Ramallah. Dozens of European peace activists, their arms raised and holding white flags, marched past Israeli tanks and stunned soldiers to enter Mr. Arafat's compound. They said they would stay with him as human shields."

And next to that story, you can find the story of the latest suicide bombing: Dateline Haifa: 15 killed in a restaurant run by Arabs, where Arab and Jewish customers had long gathered together.

These stories once again point out the stakes. This is not just a contest between Arabs and Jews; it's between an organized society and wackoism.

The peace activists who walked past Israeli soldiers RIGHT THERE in a war zone:

Why did they do it? Because they knew that the Israeli army would not shoot civilians. They knew the Israeli army would not use the very tactics of the man they seek to protect. The could dare the army to shoot them because they know it would not.

I wonder -- are there any peace activist would would consider announcing that they were going dine at a restaurant in Tel Aviv, or Jerusalem, and dare a suicide bomber to blow them up?

I'm waiting for that!

But I don't think we'll see it. Because they know which side listens to reason. 

They know that this is a fight between people who raise their children to live, and a minority who raise their children to die.

And those those peace activists know they are probably safer sitting with Arafat in his headquarters, than sitting with an Israeli at a restaurant.

Now this.

This is DR.. 
Index 

CBS ISRAEL
Moved: 4/1/2002 8:43
CBS-ISRAEL 4/1/2002

Who's safer? This is Dave Ross...

The headline reads: European Peace Activitists shield Arafat. Dateline Ramallah. Dozens of European peace activists, their arms raised and holding white flags, marched past Israeli tanks and stunned soldiers to enter Mr. Arafat's compound. They said they would stay with him as human shields."

And next to that story, you can find the story of the latest suicide bombing: Dateline Haifa: 15 killed in a restaurant run by Arabs, where Arab and Jewish customers had long gathered together.

These stories once again point out the stakes. This is not just a contest between Arabs and Jews; it's between an organized society and wackoism.

The peace activists who walked past Israeli soldiers RIGHT THERE in a war zone:

Why did they do it? Because they knew that the Israeli army would not shoot civilians. They knew the Israeli army would not use the very tactics of the man they seek to protect. The could dare the army to shoot them because they know it would not.

I wonder -- are there any peace activist would would consider announcing that they were going dine at a restaurant in Tel Aviv, or Jerusalem, and dare a suicide bomber to blow them up?

I'm waiting for that!

But I don't think we'll see it. Because they know which side listens to reason. 

They know that this is a fight between people who raise their children to live, and a minority who raise their children to die.

And those those peace activists know they are probably safer sitting with Arafat in his headquarters, than sitting with an Israeli at a restaurant.

Now this.

This is DR.. 
Index 

CBS TVVIOLENCE
Moved: 3/29/2002 10:04
CBS-TVVIOLENCE 3/29/2002

Tube addicts. This is DR...

It's another survey of the efects of TV on the human mind, and this one is even more damning than the others. This latest study tracked 700 young people over 17 years -- and it found a clear link between the amount of TV they watched, and how violent they became.

Of the group that watched less than an hour of TV a day, just under 6% went on to commit a violent act that ended in a broken bone, or something more serious. Among those who watched more than three hours a day -- 25%, had smacked someone else hard enough to cause a bruise, a scar, or other injury.

It didn't mater WHAT they watched -- tragedy, comedy, FOX -- just the act of watching seemed to be enough.

One theory is that TV watching makes people feel insecure -- makes them think they're in a world full of crazed whackos. And that's just the Teletubbies.

But here's what caught MY eye -- the effect is MOST pronounced among men. Now, I'm not a trained psychologist, but if the effect is most pronounced among men, that tells you something.

I don't think the cause is the TV. I think it's the remote control. Don't like what you're seeing? Press the button. It's now part of the male culture, right? It's the one aspect of a man's life we can still control. And so when someone gets in our face, we deck 'em. It's just our way of changing the channel.

You know what this study means - more campaigns to get the couch potatoes out of their couches. I say keep 'em there. Keep 'em in the couches, glued to the screen. The world will be safer for the rest of us.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WAR
Moved: 3/29/2002 10:04
CBS-WAR 3/29/2002

Time just ran out. This is Dave Ross....

I hope the Palestinians have a shadow government standing by. 

I heard a comment on CNN -- from Yasser Araft's mother in law -- that Americans just don't understand.

Americans understand more than ever.

According to a report in Jerusalem, Israeli military intelligence picked up an order issued by Arafat last week to split Palestinian territory into hundreds of independent fighting units of up to 50 fighters each.

There is also information that an army of suicide bombers was assembled for a Passover offensive, and that they received their final orders to strike on Thursday.

They are now on auto pilot, roaming Israel, looking for targets.

America doesn't understand? If we had intelligence like that we would be doing exactly the same thing.

The guy that doesn't understand is Arafat. Or maybe he does, who knows how he thinks.

There was a change on September 11th. That was the day America became Israel.

That was the day we realized there are limits to diplomacy. That was the day we realized you don't talk to suicidal maniacs who detest your very existence, you simply try to kill them first.

It could all stop tomorrow. All that has to happen is for someone in charge to stand up and give the order to hang up the dynamite belts.

Then we could all get back to feeling that healthy Western guilt that once upon a time had us doling out foreign aid, scolding Israel, and even questioning our own arrogance.

THAT guilt was Yasser Arafat's best weapon.

Maybe his shadow government will figure that out. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ISRAEL
Moved: 3/28/2002 13:01
CBS-ISRAEL 3/28/2002

Strike three. This is DR...

So now, Israel, after keeping "the safety" on through two suicide attacks, is hit by a third. 

20 people blown up during a Passover meal.

This third attack brought a condemnation from Yasser Arafat. But that condemnation only served to point out the one clear difference between the two sides. One side can control its forces; the other cannot.

You can invoke as much history as you want, on both sides; you can draw maps laying out the land claims of both sides, you can even apply the terrorist label to both sides.

But no matter what arguments you invoke or what labels you apply or how far into the past you go, you cannot evade the present truth: that one side has control of its forces, and the other side does not. Nobody is going to argue that the Israeli Army is a Glee Club -- but when the General orders that army to withdraw, it withdraws. You don't see a stray tank lobbing a shell into a banquet room.

And once you realize that, you must then ask -- what is the point of negotiation? What is the point of a treaty? Negotiations are vibrations of air. A treaty is ink on paper. If the leader who signs at the "X" has no power to deliver results, then you can only wait for the emergence of someone who does. 

What's left in the meantime? To kill the people who would kill you. Which, by the way, is also America's official foreign policy.

If the rumblings are true that the United States is planning to attack Iraq half a world away, for the simple reason that it may have weapons we don't think it should have, are we in any position to tell Israel to wait for Strike Four?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ENRON19
Moved: 3/27/2002 8:49
CBS-ENRON19 3/27/2002

Not EVERYONE said BUY. This is DR...

You know how Congress scolded brokers for telling investors to "buy buy buy" even as Enron was dealing itself into bankruptcy? Not everyone was saying "buy buy buy."

At UBS Paine Webber, broker Chung Wu saw red flags in the balance sheet. And according to the Washington Post, shortly after midnight on August 21st, when Enron was selling for $36 a share, he e-mailed 73 clients, many of them Enron employees, and advised them to sell.

Now THAT's the kind of advice that would have a client saying "Thank you, Paine Webber."

In fact, you'd think Chung Wu would be in one of their commercials by now -- talking in slow motion with happy investors who are then seen relaxing by the pool with a cocktail. "Chung Wu told me to sell, and I did! Thank you Chung Wu."

But you won't see Chung Wu in any ad. Because Enron officials, who got wind of the e-mails, told Wu's bosses to do something about it.

And do something they did. They e-mailed Wu's clients suggesting they ignore his advice, then fired Wu -- for violating company policy.

Well -- a broker can't just go around sending midnight e-mails that contradict his firm's research, even if he IS right.

Because he could be wrong, and then the company would be responsible.

So Chung Wu was canned, and his clients were reassured that Enron was still a strong buy. Because that's what the research said. And that's what it kept saying until November 28th, when the research finally showed it was time to sell. 

FOUR DAYS before Enron filed for bankruptcy.

As for Mr. Wu -- somehow, despite that violation of company policy on his record, he managed to get a job with another brokerage...

Now this. 
Index 

CBS OSCARS
Moved: 3/25/2002 8:38
CBS-OSCARS 3/25/2002

The long climb. This is DR...

I use the Academy Awards to figure which tapes to check out of the library. I didn't realize that Denzel Washington was the first black man since Sidney Poitier to get best actor. And I didn't realize that Halle Berry was the first black woman to get best actress.

So first I want to apologize for being oblivious to the struggle. In my defense I want to point out I was also oblivious to Randy Newman's struggle, Sally Field's struggle, and even Ron Howard's struggle to rise from roles like Opie and Richie Cunningham.

All I know is that when I watch the Oscars I get this overwhelming feeling of inadequacy. Will these people ever know how HOPELESSLY inadequate they make the rest of us feel? WE sit there and we know WE will never be as eloquent as Sidney Poitier, never in our wildest fantasy will we feel the kind of elation that Halle Berry felt.

We're watching TV in a T-shirt. If you can see through OUR clothes, it's NOT by design.

Have you ever turned around in a room and checked out what people look like when they're watching the Oscars? They are transfixed! Suddenly there is NO more important occupation in America than making movies! It is above teaching, above politics, it is even above being a firefighter -- NOTHING, not even the NOBEL PRIZE, is above the Oscar.

So as these film actors pursue their various struggles, I hope they'll remember those of us who have about as much chance of joining their club as landing on Mars.

There was ONE reassuring moment for the common folk -- John Goodman and Randy Newman proving anyone CAN sing if they get close enough to the microphone.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ICE SHELF
Moved: 3/25/2002 6:03
CBS-ICE-SHELF 3/20/2002

Could this be another one of those wake up calls? This is DR...

It's in all the papers: two weeks ago a giant piece of Antarctic ice, the size of Rhode Island, disintegrated, and sloughed off the continent.

A little warning from Mother Earth that she's fed up with Greenhouse gases?

No scientist wants to jump to conclusions yet. Because then you're deluged with angry e-mails: "When will you whiny liberals stop trying to make us feel guilty! The water isn't even up to our knees yet."

Plus it's reported that in OTHER areas of Antarctica, the ice has actually been getting thicker -- so you could still tell yourself "man-made Global Warming is just junk science."

But as one scientist told the New York Times, "You rather rapidly run out of other explanations."

During the last fifty years, the Antarctic Peninsula has warmed an average of more than 4 degrees. There's another piece of the same ice shelf poised to break off in the next few years. And even the famous Ross Ice Shelf - my personal favorite - could weaken. And IT'S big enough to make sea level rise.

Still, there's no emergency now. Even an ice chunk as big as Rhode Island is pretty small compared to the overall size of the planet. Of course, compared to the overall size of the planet, you could argue losing a couple of office towers is no big deal either.

But we could get by with doing nothing. And actually -- that that would make everyone happy. We keep driving whatever we want, and at the same time, our enemies, the ones who are out to destroy industrialized civilization ... needn't bother. All they'd have to do is wait for the splash.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS LIQUOR2
Moved: 3/25/2002 6:02
CBS-LIQUOR2 3/21/02

The great experiment is over. This is DR...

After announcing four months ago that it it would become the first TV network to run commercials for hard liquor, NBC has pulled the plug on the booze ads.

On April 20th, the experiment will officially come to an end.

And it's not really a surprise, because if you saw NBC's policy, you'd wonder that any sober liquor company would actually go along with it.

Under the policy, any liquor company that wanted to advertise liquor first had to run warning ads to inoculate the public. For the first FOUR MONTHS, the ads had to be about responsible drinking. The first Smirnoff ad wasn't about vodka; it was about Designated Driving.

Well come on! You don't buy booze to be RESPONSIBLE -- you buy carrot juice for that. You buy booze to get a buzz.

And then -- after four months of ads telling people to be responsible, one of every five spots would have to warn about the social consequences of drinking. And the other four -- which would actually try to sell the product -- could not promote distilled alcohol products as a "mark of adulthood," could not use active professional athletes or entertainment figures with youth appeal, could not promote alcohol's intoxicating effects, AND they could not show or even REPRESENT consumption on camera!

You talk about campaign finance reform killing free speech! Under the NBC booze policy you wouldn't know whether to drink the Vodka or use it as an after shave.

Of COURSE NBC is dropping the idea. What company would pay for ads like that?

No, the liquor ad policy should be one word: TRUTH. Here's your liquor ad: "Vodka: It'll get you REALLY drunk."

Says it all.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS NRA
Moved: 3/22/2002 8:42
CBS-NRA 3/18/2002

The Price of Freedom. This is DR...

A couple of years ago, I got this bright idea that the best way to reform an organization is to join it. So I sent in my $35 to the NRA.

And I got the membership card with the flag on it, the Membership Guide -- which documents groups like Hunters for the Hungry, who share game with needy families -- that's fine. 

And then I got a letter thanking me for my renewal and asking me to become a Long Term Partner and renew AGAIN to help preserve our Second Amendment Freedoms.

And then I got my NRA Institute for Legislative Action card with the Statue of Liberty on it, and a letter warning about gun-haters.

Then came a generous offer to send me a copy of The Federalist FREE -- because (QUOTE) "To reclaim your freedoms, you must find them and feel them again." So I'm supposed to put a sticker on a card which says something about paying $39.95 and getting more books which I'm under no obligation to keep.

Then last week I got a very scary MEMBER ALERT -- which said that War on Terrorism had targeted my guns, and that politicians like Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton have launched a campaign to link ME as an NRA member directly to the Taliban, Hezbollah, Islamic Jihad, and other Terrorists! 

(I knew the government was after our nail clippers -- but our guns too?) Anyway, it turned out that for $25 I could help stop them.

And then THIS week, I get a fat yellow envelope with stickers for the "Guns 'N Gear" giveaway, where I can check off the five guns I want to win. I hope Hillary doesn't get wind of that!

So I just want to warn you, if you join the NRA, check to see that your mailbox is big enough.
It's the price of freedom.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CAMPAIGN FINANCE
Moved: 3/22/2002 8:42
CBS-CAMPAIGN FINANCE 3/22/2002

Do you know how oppressed you are? This is DR...

Campaign finance reform has passed, but it's headed straight to court. Republican Senator Mitch McConnell, who hates the bill, is assembling a dream team of lawyers, liberal AND conservative, for a grass roots fight against a bill that HE thinks violates free speech.

He says that telling people they can't send more than $2000 to a candidate or $25,000 to a state party, or buy anonymous issue ads -- violates the constitution.

I don't say that he's wrong -- he's way smarter than I am -- but I admit I've been struggling to think of anyone I know who feels violated because he can't give more than $2000 to a candidate. Or who feels oppressed because he can't send more than $25,000 to a state party organization. Or who would gnash his teeth because he can't buy an issues ad without disclosing who paid for it.

And I'm guessing the reason I can't think of people who'd object to these new rules is that if you called up one of my friends and asked them to give $2000 to a politician they'd collapse in laughter. If you asked them for $25,000 for a party organization they'd call a cop.

They would gladly put up yard signs, even hand out brochures for a politician they supported -- but they hardly ever buy space in the New York Times.

Of course, I admit, I'm working with a skewed sample here. None of the people I know head big interest groups, or unions, or corporations. 

I would just suggest that as Senator McConnell assembles his grass roots lawyers to cry out against oppression -- that you watch closely -- to see if anybody YOU know joins them.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DRUG TESTING
Moved: 3/19/2002 8:44
CBS-DRUG TESTING 3/19/2002

Teachers bearing cups. This is DR... 

Three years ago, at Tecumseh high school in Oklahoma, student Lindsay Earls was at an after school activity, when an assistant principal walked in, and told her to report to the cafeteria. 

Everybody knew why. When she got there, she was escorted to a bathroom stall, while three faculty members waited outside, listening, as per school policy. One of the teachers joked that it reminded her of potty training. Lindsay's sample was then checked for color and temperature, and shipped off to the lab -- where it was found to be tainted only with embarrassment.

Enough embarrassment that her case has now made it to the Supreme Court.

The Court has already sanctified random testing of athletes. But Lindsay wasn't an athlete. She was at a CHOIR rehearsal! 

Under the drug testing policy at Tecumseh high, members of the band, choir, and even the Future Farmers of America are subject to random drug testing.

Now -- I guess I can understand testing the athletes, with all the pressure to bulk up, and the temptation to use pain killers.

But are a lot of baritones taking steroids? Sopranos blacking out on high A's? Tenors exhibiting inexplicable mood swings? Well, tenors always exhibit inexplicable mood swings. But drug testing isn't going to change that!

Well, good luck in the Supreme Court. You know the logic the court used to justify random testing of athletes? Athletes already consent to disrobing and showering together, and therefore have a lower expectation of privacy.

Based on that logic, the kids should be happy they're not getting random rectal exams.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BLANKS
Moved: 3/18/2002 7:00
CBS-BLANKS 3/15/02

Fill in the Blanks. This is DR.

Here it is, Fill In The Blanks, where I read a story that you've heard way too many times, and you get the chance to play along at home by simply filling in the ... BLANKS.

Today's subject, the Bureaucracy.

This week, the Secretary of Homeland Defense decided that the old system of threat warnings was TOO VAGUE. That was the system where they told you that there was a danger of attack, and provided all the details except for WHEN, WHERE, AND WHAT.

But now, all that will change. We will now have threats that are classified according to COLOR.

This will help because now, when the government wants to issue a warning, all it has to say is ORANGE.

And all of us WILL KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TO DO.

Also this week -- The Department of Transportation said there would be no more airport searches by screeners of the OPPOSITE SEX, because women were complaining of GROPING.

The only trouble is that opposite sex searches were HELPING TO KEEP THE SCREENERS AWAKE. It also gave middle aged men A REASON TO FLY.

And finally the justice department has indicted the accounting firm of ARTHUR ANDERSEN on a charge that it destroyed EVIDENCE.

Alert investigators decided that the TV pictures of giant shredding trucks parked outside Andersen's were A PRETTY GOOD CLUE.

This shows the Justice department has a remarkable flair for the OBVIOUS.

The only thing the government has yet to do in the Enron investigation is FIND THE MISSING MONEY.

However once they do, they will immediately issuing a statement saying ORANGE.

Very good.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WHITEY
Moved: 3/18/2002 6:29
CBS-WHITEY 3/12/2002

Mascots and race. This is DR... 

For years, America has been grappling with the issue of whether Indians are appropriate mascots.

So at the University of Northern Colorado, an Intramural basketball team comprised of Indian, Hispanic and white students came up with a mascot designed to put the moccasin on the other foot.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Mascot1
Time: 3s
Title: Mascot1
In-cue: Its' a caricature of a caucasian
Out-cue: man]

A white man in a corporate suit is now the proud mascot of a basketball team called the Fighting Whiteys. Their motto: "Every thang's gonna be all white!"

And team member Solomon Little Owl, is amazed at the reaction -- calls from all over the country:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Mascot2
Time: 10s
Title: Mascot2
In-cue: I think
Out-cue: Being heard]

Well maybe. But I asked white people to call in about this, and based on their response, if the purpose is to give white people a taste of what it's like to be denigrated, it won't work:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Mascot4
Time: 8s
Title: Mascot4
In-cue: I'm a white guy
Out-cue: take offense at it]

That was Matt -- and here's Jeff:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Mascot3
Time: 10s
Title: Mascot3
In-cue: I applaud
Out-cue: no effect on me]

In fact, white males have been asking to buy Fighting Whiteys Jerseys. And Solomon Little Owl finds it frustrating:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Mascot5
Time: 5s
Title: Mascot5
In-cue: They're not 
Out-cue: the point]

And there are few things more annoying than people who don't know when to take offense.

Now this: 
Index 

CBS CARPOOL DUMMY
Moved: 3/18/2002 6:29
CBS-CARPOOL DUMMY 3/15/2002

A song for carpool cheaters. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

You know who you are. You put a mannequin in the passenger seat because you're sick of being late. But now you've fallen in love, haven't you?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>DummyCBS
Time: 85s
Out-cue: ]

She has a confident smile and a gleam in her eye

She might shade the truth, but she won't tell a lie

Her hair was on sale down at Archie McPhee's

The cops say she's fake but she looks like a woman to me.

She will not get upset at the dumb things you do

Yeah, she may fall apart but it just takes some glue

She can go on long car trips and won't have to pee

And the cops say she's fake but she looks like a woman to me.

Oh  we met at the Goodwill

Cost a five dollar bill 

It was love at first sight

I took her home, made her warm

Reattached her left arm

And I was at work on time

She's the perfect companion wherever we are

She don't ask for much she just sleeps in the car!

I can tell her I'm sexy she won't disagree

It may seem to you that it's carpool abuse, but she looks like a woman to me.

She may seem, it's true, like a dummy to you, but she looks like a woman to me.

~C:\works\files\DUMMY.SNG 
Index 

CBS MILEAGE
Moved: 3/18/2002 6:29
CBS-MILEAGE 3/14/02

Axles of Evil! This is DR... 

Senators have once again protected America from declaring its independence from Middle Eastern oil.

Democrats and Republicans joined to kill a bill that would have forced cars to average of 36 miles a gallon by 2015, which coincidentally would let us stop importing oil from the Persian gulf.

Business didn't like it, unions didn't like it. And I'm sure Saudi Arabia didn't like it, so I guess the Senate did the right thing. 

But I wish that just once these senators could hold a mileage debate without dissing my car. Trent Lott got up and said if 36 mpg was the law, Americans would have to drive around in little two seat bubblecars. He said it was an attempt to legislate physics.

Well, according to the video touch screen on my Toyota Prius, I'm at 38.6 mpg, and it has no trouble obeying the laws of physics just as they are.

The only law it has trouble with is the speed limit, because with the continuous transmission you lose track of how fast you're going. I hit 85 passing a truck before I realized hybrid cars aren't supposed to be able to go that fast.

No, I admit it's not perfect -- for example, it's easy to run out of gas because when you don't fill up for two weeks, you forget it needs any.

But Trent Lott needs to know that these cars are here, and they're not scooters -- mine seats five. He needs to be asking why American companies aren't selling them.
It can't be that we're stupider than the Japanese, because our scientists are building an anti-missile system which is going to knock rogue missiles out of the sky.

So it remains a mystery, but in the meantime, quit dissing my car.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS YATES
Moved: 3/18/2002 6:29
CBS-YATES 3/13/02

A no brainer. This is DR...

The defense in the Andrea Yates case made one last attempt to convince the jury that no sane woman could kill her five kids:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Yates3
Time: 7s
Out-cue: ]

But for all the debate that took place inside and outside the courtroom, there wasn't much in the jury room.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Yates2
Time: 6s
Out-cue: ]

That they decided this in 3 1/2 hours indicates that for them, it was no-brainer. This wasn't like a truck driver who has a stroke and lets his truck careen into five kids; this wasn't a woman arbitrarily demonized in some witch hunt. 

This verdict says: regular citizens can't accept the idea that it's somehow excusable to kill five children out of love, out of guilt, or for fear of Satan. 

It says that no matter how many psychiatrists testify, regular citizens can't accept the idea that drowning five kids is merely a symptom.

I know there are people who feel convicting Andrea Yates is a travesty, and that what she clearly needs is treatment, not imprisonment. Well of course she needs treatment. 

But ask yourself: all those psychiatrists who testified -- what good did it do to bring them into that courtroom? Isn't it like bringing in the cavalry after the battle is lost?

There are people who would say this verdict punishes mental illness. But does it?

Maybe what it says is: that the time to effectively treat mental illness is BEFORE something like this happens, not after.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS LETTERMAN
Moved: 3/12/2002 7:47
CBS-LETTERMAN 3/12/2002

ABC couldn't win. This is DR...

If we analyze the David Letterman case, we must conclude that ABC was doomed from the start -- consider: to get Letterman to take its offer seriously, ABC had to promise him everything he wanted: infinite money, no pre-emptions, more promos, new theatre, fix all speeding tickets; and as he mentioned last night, a very special phone call from Regis Philbin:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>LETTERMAN3
Time: 3s
Title: LETTERMAN3
In-cue: Saying he would be 
Out-cue: available for sex]

The Ultimate perk! In short, ABC would have been very, very good to Letterman.

Well -- you SEE why he COULDN'T have walked!

Because he would have been working for bosses... he LIKED! 

Why do you think that young demographic tunes in? Political humor? Top ten list? To see Biff the stagehand stick pins in a map? No! It's because Letterman sticks it to the man.

He does what every employee in America wishes they could do -- stands up on national TV and says his boss is a jerk. 

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>LETTERMAN1
Time: 3s
Title: LETTERMAN1
In-cue: I've actually
Out-cue: NETWORK EXECUTIVES]

See? And look at the power he has. According to the New York Times, before announcing his decision last night -- he cut the feed from his studio so network execs couldn't watch the taping. 

To be able to get away with stuff like this, and KNOW they are helpless to fire you -- is every employee's fantasy: 

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>LETTERMAN2
Time: 5s
Title: LETTERMAN2
In-cue: CBS all of a sudden
Out-cue: ME ENOUGH]

Of COURSE he had to stay with CBS.

And as for Ted Koppel -- who was shocked to discover his bosses were suddenly ready to replace him with a comedian, albeit a really GOOD comedian -- look at the bright side Ted. Now -- YOU can start calling YOUR bosses morons too. (TEMPTING) It brings in the young people...

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MUSLIM SURVEY
Moved: 3/11/2002 7:00
CBS-MUSLIM SURVEY 3/6/02

It's another survey about who hates who. This is DR.

What would we do without pollsters? We might go through life thinking of people as individuals, and not in terms of their ethnic or religious or national heritage!

But that wouldn't give us commentators much to talk about -- so here is another poll, asking AMERICANS what they think of Muslim nations. This follows a similar poll asking Muslims what they thought of the US.

And guess what! We don't like each other!

The Gallup Poll conducted for CNN and USA Today found that more than two-thirds believe Muslim countries would be better off if they adopted Western values, and one-third said they believe Islam promotes more violence than other religions.

Gallup says the error rate for this poll is plus or minus 3.5%. But that depends on how you define error. Because did you see this part?

It says: 56 of those surveyed said they knew little or nothing at all about Muslim countries. 56%.

So what we have here is a group of people, most of whom know NOTHING about the topic, being asked for their opinions anyway!

Kind of like a talk show, come to think of it.

So these are not opinions about REAL Muslims, but about TV Muslims.

This WOULD be harmless entertainment if it weren't for the fact that the two sides seem ready to go to war with each other!

I say the Geneva Convention should add a rule: that two opposing groups, by law, cannot go to war if more than 50% of the people on EITHER side tell a respected polling organization that they know NOTHING about the countries they intend to fight.

Now this. This is DR... 
Index 

CBS PEARL4
Moved: 3/11/2002 6:58
CBS-PEARL4 3/6/2002

Now we will see. This is DR...

A week ago, I humbly suggested that the US back down and let Pakistan try the man accused of arranging the execution of reporter Danny Pearl.

To try him in a Pakistani court under Islamic Law. 

Now it appears THAT's just what will happen. Pakistani officials have decided that Ahmed Omar Sheikh will be tried there. hey haven't ruled out turning him over to the US, but they want to investigate the case and try him in Pakistan first.

I've heard from people who say Dave, don't you know that under Islam, while murder -- in general -- is a sin, the murder of a Jew is not? No, actually, I don't know that. The Muslims I'VE met would never argue such a thing. And as for the argument that the Koran justifies killing those who don't believe as you do, let me point out that the Old Testament does too.

No, I want to find out what mainstream Islam believes NOW -- in 2002.

And this trial should provide an indication.

Pakistan, of course, may have a slightly different motive here. Number one, they don't want to appear a puppet of the United States.

Number two -- the suspect is alleging that he worked with Pakistani intelligence, and they might want to shut him up. No matter.

This will be the Islamic world's O-J trial. Except with better evidence, like a confession and a videotape.

And the world will see what Islamic judges think of Islamic terrorists.

I have no idea how it will turn out -- but I already like one aspect of the Pakistani system. A trial like this in the US -- would take months to prepare. Pakistan plans to have opening arguments... in two weeks.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ISRAEL2
Moved: 3/11/2002 6:57
CBS-ISRAEL 3/8/02

Is it OK for other countries to define and fight terrorism, or just us? This is DR....

On Friday: 32 Palestinians were killed when Israel fired on villages and refugee camps, and five Israelis killed when a Palestinian attacked a Jewish settlement.

It's indiscriminate killing, the Palestinians say.

We're just targeting militant strongholds, the Israelis say.

So President Bush has again sent his peacemaker, Anthony Zinni -- but what is HE going to say?

Apparently he's going to tell Israel to back down! But what's his argument going to be?

Probably the same as Secretary of State Colin Powell -- who said this week:
``If you think you can solve the problem by seeing how many Palestinians can be killed -- I don't know if that leads you anywhere.'' (UNQUOTE)

And yet -- what are American forces doing right now in the mountains near Gardez? You hear it at every defense briefing: we going to kill any terrorist who won't surrender. 

Listen to this a quote: "There is no treaty you can sign with the terrorist. There is no negotiation, no summit meeting that will in fact end the terrorist threat." That was Vice President Cheney.

Well, how is Israel's case any different? All Israel has to do is quote American officials. Ariel Sharon probably has a full-time staffer taking US statements and substituting the name ARAFAT for al-Qaida.

Does Israel have moral high ground? I give up. I can't tell anymore.

But THIS is pretty obvious: the United States has lost its leverage.

We would have to look Ariel Sharon in the eye and tell him with a straight face "we're gonna kill our enemies, but you have to make peace with yours."

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ENRON18
Moved: 3/7/2002 8:49
CBS-ENRON18 3/7/2002

Never again. This is DR...

The President is out with his Enron reform package, which doesn't mention Enron, but mentions everything that went wrong there.

The President proposes a new federal agency to monitor the accounting industry -- accountants to monitor the accountants who monitor the CEOs. As for CEOs, they would also have to vouch for the truth of their numbers, even give back their bonuses if they screw up, AND reports to investors would have to be written `in plain English.''

So in Enron's case, the shareholders report would have stated: "This company has entered into several transactions that nobody told the CEO about, including numerous partnerships named after birds of prey and Star Wars characters and not backed by any actual money and set up in offshore tax havens where they let you get away with anything." Yeah! That'll happen.

And even if they were in plain English, am I going to spend the evening with a financial report?

All I want to know out here is when to SELL. 

I just want to get an e-mail 20 minutes before my stocks tank telling me to SELL NOW.

Of course that'll never happen either, so I guess no matter what the government does, we'll always be at the mercy of executive honesty.

Wait a minute - that's it - an executive order requiring EVERY Wall Street executive has to be honest! They'd be urine tested for the presence of a conscience!

Nah, probably a civil rights violation. 

SO there it is -- you take what you can get. The President is standing up and putting company CEO's on notice: you can write all the campaign checks you want, but don't expect them to buy you a free ride. Next time, anyway.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS HELICOPTER DOWN
Moved: 3/5/2002 10:00
CBS-HELICOPTER DOWN 3/4/2002

Chinook down. This is DR...

American forces in Afghanistan are now engaged in one of those ugly fights that we hoped we'd never have to see again: a ground war where the enemy fights back, and the high tech equipment can only do so much.

Credit Donald Rumsfeld -- he's always warning reporters that it's not over and Americans will die. But in the back of our minds we think -- would anybody -- even al Quaida -- be crazy enough to take us on? Don't they know they're guaranteed to lose? Why don't they accept the inevitable and surrender?

After the pummeling Tora Bora got, and the reports of lines of weary fighters returning to Pakistan, it was tempting to think the fight was over, and it would be on to the next cakewalk. The defense department's request for a sample of bin Laden's DNA implied a possibility that American nemesis Number One might even be dead.

Well, now we know why so few bodies were found at Tora Bora. We also know that if Osama is dead, his fighters are ready to go on without him.

The battle lines may be moving, but the stakes are clear.

THEY can't accept a world where a superpower calls the tune.

And WE can't accept a world where you're always on the defensive for car bombs and hijacked planes, and suicidal zealots.

Millions of Americans who saw "Black Hawk Down" have at least a picture of what it's like when a helicopter is shot down by a rocket-propelled grenade, and the survivors have to be rescued in the middle of a firefight. 

And THAT's why al Qaida is crazy enough to take on a superpower. Because even if they haven't seen the movie, know how it ended.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GRENADE
Moved: 3/5/2002 10:00
CBS-GRENADE 3/5/2002

Just another day at the airport. This is DR...

Monday at LAX, it was a fake grenade. The X-ray picked up the tell-tale shape, and security evacuated parts of two terminals, cancelling three flights and delaying 21.

Turns out it was a toy, and the guy said didn't even know he had it! Said it was in a gift box his brother gave him ... mixed in with some ART supplies.

You see, THAT's why they ask you if you packed your own bags. In this case the answer should have been, "No, I'm carrying a gift from my brother who knew I'd be flying, and therefore might have slipped a fake GRENADE in."

And then

In San Francisco, stand up comic Kevin Meaney was unhappy with the pat-down search of his wife, and got into a scuffle with a National Guardsman, allegedly laying hands on his loaded M-16.

Look -- humorists of America: we all appreciate a good laugh, but some of us have planes to catch, OK? We are just trying to travel. Please! If you have anything resembling a grenade, a bomb, a backpack nuke -- PUT IT in an area where it can NEVER find its way into a carry-on bag. OK?

Number two. If you're a comedian, or just a person who THINKS he's funny, learn to shut up where you're at the airport. For people like you, the airport is not just a no joke zone, it's a NO TALKING zone.

And if you're the type of person who can actually visualize ever going for a National Guardsman's M-16, save us all some time, and just handcuff yourself BEFORE you get to the airport.

I know what people are saying: "Dave, if this continues there will be no outlets for sophomoric humor at airports!" Yeah there are. In the holding cell.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS YATES2
Moved: 3/1/2002 8:52
CBS-YATES2 3/1/2002

Punishment itself on trial. This is DR...

I'm trying to figure out when the trial of Andrea Yates turned into the trial of Russell Yates.

I keep hearing comments that Russell Yates should have known his wife was too psychotic to be left alone with the children.

On the stand this week he testified about how normal their life together was ... an attempt by her defense to show her as an unpredictable Jekyll and Hyde. But her defenders OUTSIDE the courtroom see a domineering husband who "should have known."

Even prosecutors were trying to portray him as a domineering husband, perhaps to try and convince the jury that Andrea had a Medea complex, and killed the children to get back at him.

But the net effect is that a lot of people think HE'S the culprit.

Well if THAT's true, then how do you punish anybody? I mean ANYBODY. If there's no punishment for a woman who can hunt down and drown her own kids, then why have jails at all?

For that matter, she was also under the influence of a radical Christian preacher -- Michael Woroniecki -- who goes around the country women their role is derived ... from the sin of Eve'' and that bad children come from bad mothers.

Maybe HE's to blame.

And Andrea looks so normal now. Now that the drugs are working and she is no longer under pressure, she looks MUCH better.

I have no doubt that in a few years, there will be a pill that will cure any murderer. So that they will go on trial literally as different people from the ones who committed the crime.

The defense will argue, "He's now normal, because we have him taking 500 milligrams of BrainZapper" - and what will juries do?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SHADOW
Moved: 3/1/2002 8:52
CBS-SHADOW 3/1/2002

The shadow knows. This is DR...

The Washington Post has disclosed that Bush Administration is under cold war security rules, and has been keeping a shadow government in reserve in case the unthinkable happens. Government officials, names not disclosed, spend 90 days at a time in America's own Tora Bora, ready to run essential government operations if Washington DC were suddenly to disappear.

Now, we can guess why this has been leaked.

Number one to remind those annoying Democrats who have been questioning the military budget that there's a war on, and how DARE they engage in open discussion. And number two, to reassure Americans that even in the worst case, everything will be under control.

But I wonder how that will work. IF the worst happens, and the shadow government takes over, how will we know these are the real shadows? If the names of the shadow officials are secret, and we've never seen their faces before, how will we know that guy on TV saying "I'm in charge now" is the real thing?

If it's the vice president, or the Speaker of the House, OK, we know them. But some... sub-deputy assistant GS-15 nobody ever heard of? 

"My fellow Americans, I'm Troy, and I'll be your President today."

If all we have is a bunch of no-names, how do we know who to obey? How does the military, know who to obey?

You can keep the location secret. That's fine. But we ought to know who's there. Because if one day all the TV screens go dark... the first face I see when they come back on had better be someone I recognize, or I'll just stay in the basement with my ammo.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PEARL3
Moved: 2/28/2002 10:04
CBS-PEARL3 2/28/2002

Use Islamic Law. This is DR..

I want to make another pitch for keeping the killers of Danny Pearl in Pakistan, and trying them under Islamic law. And that new Gallup poll of 10,000 Muslims is another reason why the US should let it happen.

The poll found that most Muslims overseas do not believe Arabs carried out the September 11th attacks. 

It shows most people in Islamic nations think America is arrogant and spreads a corrupt culture of excess. 

Fine -- let 'em think what they want. There are plenty of Americans who think America is arrogant and corrupt.

But while they judge our culture, they might also want to take a look at their own, and specifically, what the crusade against Israel has done to it.

They need to confront the excesses of THEIR culture -- as the Germans and Japanese had to confront THEIR culture after World War II, as America had to confront its mistakes in Vietnam, as the Soviets confronted Communism.

Trying Danny Pearl's killers before Islamic judges would hold up a mirror.

Overseas Muslims may not believe Arabs carried out the September 11th attacks. But the murder of Danny Pearl is on tape. And there's a confession. An innocent, unarmed man, who was seeking to tell the Muslim side of the story, is executed for being Jewish. The world needs to see an Islamic court decide whether killers who would do that are on God's side or not.

By the way -- makes the now-defunct Office of Strategic Influence look even more absurd, doesn't it? No one has to LIE to make THIS enemy look bad. They're doing a magnificent job ALL on their own.

Now this. This is DR. 
Index 

CBS ENRON17
Moved: 2/28/2002 10:04
ENRON17.CBS 02/26/02 10:25 PMDLR 1:07 

The question that ate my brain. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Another Enron hearing. Facing the Senators this time was former CEO Jeffrey Skilling  who maintained his innocence and never wavered. EXCEPT in one little exchange that didn't get much publicity.

Listen as Senator McCain asks what ought to be a simple question:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Skilling1
Time: 23s
Title: Skilling1
In-cue: Mr. Skilling
Out-cue: Boy I would've remembered mine!]

Yeah!

Now tell me: what's the reason that companies give CEOs gigantic bonuses? It's to motivate them, right?

To ensure the full blossoming of their entrepreneurial potential.

To Light The Fire Within! Faster, Higher, Stronger!

Executive bonuses are the sweet nectar of capitalism  and 5.6 million dollars is a lot of nectar.

But all it bought was executive amnesia!

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Skilling2
Time: 1s
Title: Skilling2
In-cue: I don't recall
Out-cue: I'm sorry]

All those millions  FORGOTTEN! Well, we're all human. People forget. I'll bet Sarah Hughes has already forgotten about that round gold thing she got.

But I'll tell you this: when Boards of Directors evaluate their CEOs, one of the questions they ought to ask is, "Would you please tell us the amount of your last performance bonus?"

Because if they can't remember, then maybe that money ought to go to employees who WOULD.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DANIEL PEARL
Moved: 2/26/2002 13:07
CBS-DANIEL PEARL 2/26/2002

Where should he be tried. This is DR.

Where should the killers of reporter Daniel Pearl be tried.

American officials are hoping Pakistan will turn over the chief suspect, Ahmed
Omar Sheikh, so he can be tried in a US court.

And one reason Pakistan might want to cooperate is that the US wanted him arrested and turned over last November -- before Pearl was kidnapped -- to face charges in another case.

Pakistan didn't do it. That's now looking like a pretty bad decision.

And yet, if he IS tried here in the US, we all know what would happen. He'd be convicted, he'd be sentenced, and his sympathizers around the world would consider him a martyr for Islam.

Ah, but suppose Omar Sheikh and the others remained in Pakistan, and were tried there.

Suppose they were tried according to the Law of Islam.

Under Islamic Law the penalty for a murder like this is pretty clear: upon conviction, the family of the victim is allowed to take immediate revenge.

Oh, but Dave -- you say -- the killers would simply claim that Danny Pearl was murdered in a religious cause and the judges would let them go.

Not necessarily. Islam -- especially the fundamental variety -- has suffered some pretty bad PR in the last six months. And I think the Islamic courts might want a chance to demonstrate to the world that Islam has a sense of justice.

I think an Islamic court would do the same thing an American court would, given sufficient evidence -- they'd throw the book at Omar Sheikh. And do it in a way that his sympathizers would have to respect. Because unlike an American court, the book THEY throw ... would be the Koran.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS STRATEGIC INFLUENCE
Moved: 2/25/2002 8:48
CBS-STRATEGIC INFLUENCE 2/25/02

It was all a misunderstanding. This is DR...

It's been a week now since the New York Times revealed the existence of an Office of Strategic Influence. The defense department had set it up to counter the bad image America has in Muslim countries.

Now as Americans, we figure the REASON our image is bad is that we're just misunderstood. We're not the callous, arrogant, Godless superpower as portrayed by those radical clerics -- we are the world's good guys. Nothing wrong with getting out the truth.

So some of us were shocked when the Times story revealed that the Office of Strategic Influence wasn't going to limit itself to telling the truth about America; it would tell lies about our enemies, if necessary. Maybe even broadcast fabricated local news programs to trick foreign journalists.

Well, that caught the White House's attention -- and the word has apparently gone out now that the Office of Strategic Influence should die a strategic death.

Everybody accepts deception on the battlefield. But the idea of planting phony news stories among journalists -- well, if that's the plan, best not leak it to the New York Times.

The Defense Secretary implied on the weekend talk shows that the real problem was "misinformation" about the office. Adverse publicity.

I detected a little scolding of the press there. But the Defense Secretary needs to remember that, like soldiers, reporters have a mission too. They're trying to discover the truth. And as we have just been recently reminded, their mission can be just as deadly. Too deadly for them to be chasing strategic fabrications.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SAT ENRON
Moved: 2/22/2002 9:54
CBS-SAT-ENRON 2/2/2002

Don't call it Enron. This is DR...

Soon, Enron will be no more. The reorganized company will drop the Enron name because it carries too much baggage.

The new CEO also plans to sell that famous skyscraper whose picture we've seen just about every night, and get back into the business of selling energy instead of manipulating numbers.

However -- there seems to be some question over what should happen to the most famous feature of that building: the glitzy rotating "E" in the plaza out front.

-- That big stainless steel "E" which has become Wall Street's Scarlet Letter. No one knows what will become of it.

So I want to make a suggestion. Before it ends up on E-Bay, I think a judge should declare it a frozen asset, and have it installed in the Capitol Rotunda. There it could rotate slowly as a reminder: of words like Excess. Excuses. Ego. Enigma:

The Enron story remains an enigma to most people. And not just to us lay people -- there are EXPERTS who don't understand what went on.

So far no one is addressing the basic issue. Which is: you have a right to know what it is you're investing in.

I keep reading that Enron was a company based on derivatives -- as if we all know what that is. How many of you know what a derivative is? I know what it is in calculus. 

But I have no clue what it means on Wall Street.

Maybe there ought to be a rule that companies EXPLAIN their transactions in ENGLISH.

That rotating "E" could also serve as a reminder that a politician who stands by while retirement funds are E-RASED could find himself headed for the EXIT.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS HUGHES
Moved: 2/22/2002 9:54
CBS-HUGHES 2/22/2002

Not this time. This is DR...

Now the RUSSIANS are protesting the women's figure skating result, and THEY want a want a second gold medal. I TOLD you the Canadian compromise would be trouble.

Sure they're frustrated: you spend your life training, and dieting, and getting graded and humiliated, and then it comes down to 4 1/2 minutes that determine whether your face will end up on a cereal box, or inside a plastic cartoon head at a kiddie matinee. 

Sure figure skaters snipe at each other. They're ALL good. They can ALL nail those jumps -- the difference is who can do it when it counts.

And last night that was CLEARLY Sarah Hughes.

I say clearly, but of course in figure skating nothing is clear.

I was watching Canadian TV, and as Irina Slutskaya of Russia came out -- last skater -- the commentator explained that because Michelle Kwan was first after the short program, but had skated poorly in the long program, it meant that if the Russian, who finished second in the short program, BEAT Kwan in the long program, then Sarah Hughes, who had finished FOURTH in the short program, would get the gold medal.

At that point I figured EVERY country would withdraw from the Olympics. The closing ceremonies would be empty except for that little kid with the lantern.

Yet somehow, the system worked, the medal went to the skater who performed the best when it counted, and the world was treated to an unforgettable image: the smile of a kid who not only won, but had a good time doing it. And who, alas, has just enjoyed her last moment of anonymity.

As for Russia's little protest -- nice try, guys, but Michelle Kwan lost too.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TRUTH2
Moved: 2/21/2002 8:38
CBS-TRUTH2 2/21/2002

Managing truth. This is DR.

Two days ago I mentioned the New York Times story about the Office of Strategic Influence.

Someone had leaked that the Pentagon was planning to use this office to plant LIES in the foreign press as a military tactic.

Well, Wednesday, Secretary Rumsfeld clarified the story for reporters.

"Number One, " he said, "This secretary, and the people that work with me tell the American people and the people of the world the truth."

That would seem to deny the whole story. Assuming that statement ITSELF is true. Because, you see, how do we know he wasn't using Strategic Influence just then?

Well, maybe THIS quote from the Vice President will clarify the clarification. (QUOTE) "The information provided ... both here ... and abroad needs to be ... as accurate as we can make it," he said.

Hmm. "AS ACCURATE as we can make it."

So if for some reason they can't make it accurate, then it would be.... INACCURATE, right?

This is getting us nowhere. Let's try one more. This is from Douglas Feith, who directly oversees the Office of Strategic Influence: (QUOTE) We have an enormous stake in our credibility. But we're not going to give up ... managing information ... for the purpose of helping our armed forces..."

OK, now -- if THAT statement is accurate, then he's saying the Pentagon MAY manage public information, which would mean: NOT telling the whole truth. 

But if that statement is deliberately inaccurate, then the Pentagon may well be TOTALLY committed TO the truth, but may lie about WHETHER the truth IS the truth.

You know, it was so much easier back when we were just trying to define "is."

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DOG MAULING
Moved: 2/20/2002 10:04
CBS-DOG MAULING 2/20/02

Murderer or heroine. This is DR...

In LOS ANGELES Marjorie Knoller is on trial, accused of letting an out control Presa Canario maul a neighbor to death. She stands charged with second-degree murder, among other things.

But her lawyer says she is a heroine, and displayed pictures of HER wounds -- wounds her lawyer says she suffered while trying to protect Diane Whipple, who was carrying groceries to her apartment when she was attacked and killed.

Said the defense attorney: "No one is sorrier ... than Marjorie Knoller, who risked her life.''

I hope that message of sorrow goes out loud and clear. Because this case sent a very different message to some people when it first broke.

Let's look at some of the headlines from last year. Associated Press story from February 11, 2001: "Deadly Attack Spurs Interest in Breed." Dateline NEW YORK: The mauling death of a San Francisco woman by two powerfully-built dogs has prompted a disturbing increase in interest in a rare breed called the [Presa Canario]."

Here's one from Knight Ridder: "Dateline PHILADELPHIA -- Stirred and impressed by the 120 pound exotic dog that tore out a woman's throat in San Francisco last month, some people desire a canine assassin of their own."

Isn't THAT reassuring! 

But you see what they're thinking: a dog like this is better than a gun! If you kill somebody with a gun, YOU are held responsible. But kill somebody with a dog -- well THAT's the DOG's fault.

I would never presume to say who's guilty here. I only hope the jury in this case understands that there is nothing more dangerous than a gun that can decide on its own when to shoot.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PROPAGANDA
Moved: 2/20/2002 6:31
CBS-PROPAGANDA 2/19/2002

Truth or official fiction? This is DR...

Now here's an interesting story in the New York Times.

The Times says the Pentagon is looking for ways to influence public sentiment abroad, and to DO that, it has set up an office called "The Office of Strategic Influence" which is now preparing to provide news items -- possibly even false ones -- to foreign media organizations.

The reason for this is that the war on terrorism isn't getting a lot of Islamic support, and so to turn that around, the Pentagon figures it needs to control the flow of information a little better: plant a few stories about what a bad guy Saddam Hussein is, stuff like that.

You can see why they'd want to try this. It worked great for Enron. Enron executives planted op-ed pieces, supplied guests to conservative talk shows to push de-regulation, generated spontaneous letters from influential constituents. Enron got a whole government to look the other way.

So the Pentagon plans to use the whole toolbox.

Just a little piece of advice: if you're going to have an Office of Strategic Influence planting phony news stories, you don't want to have a story SAYING so in the New York Times.

It's much easier to plant phony stories when you don't have to deal with articles warning the whole world that this is what you intend to do.

That's why if you expect this to work, you can't just drop a few phony e-mails. You have to plant your own people in the editorial offices of the New York Times.

Because if they're allowed to publish many more stories like this, foreign journalists are going to catch on.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SKATING3 update
Moved: 2/15/2002 12:10
CBS-SKATING3 2/15/2002

It's a tie. This is DR.

The International Olympic Committee has decided that it was officially a tie -- and the medals for David and Jaime will get a new gold coating.

So skill has been rewarded, justice has been done. But there are still a few questions here. For the French judge -- it's verdict first, trial later. Talk about someone convicted in a secret military tribunal... we don't know what she allegedly did, or whether SHE DID ANYTHING. She never said she changed her scoring, only that she was pressured. Was she penalized for entering into a deal, or for simply trying to reveal the truth about it?

And if there was a deal, where's the other party? You can't conspire with yourself.

Plus -- the criticism of figure skating has now gone beyond the present scandal. It turns out many skaters have NEVER liked the way the sport was judged. Way too subjective.

I figure: if you want to get into a sport that's judged objectively, don't choose one that involves sequins.

But I guess it will have to change, not so much because of skaters objections, but because of you know what. TELEVISION. Only television could turn a blown Axel into a war crime. In person, the mistake happens once, and its over. But on television, it happens again and again. It happens from different angles. It happens in slow motion. 

I know this -- despite the this whole scandal, Figure Skating is hardly in danger.

Figure skating is bigger than ever.

Not only that -- I think this has gotten so big, that people will even start watching ICE DANCING.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ENRON16*
Moved: 2/15/2002 8:45
CBS-ENRON16 2/15/2002

When will somebody ask THE question. This is DR...

There was more testimony this week in the Enron case: whistle blower Sherron Watkins said she wasn't the only person who knew the company was toast -- a lot of people did. Her testimony capped a week that saw members of Congress add Carnival Barker and Ponzi to the list of pet names for Enron Executives.

So -- another week of hearings informing us that Enron was a screwed-up company -- just in case you hadn't heard that already.

Well, I'm already convinced Enron was a screwed up company. And I'm happy members of Congress have a forum for their clever metaphors on how Enron was a sinking ship or a bank robbery or a carnival -- but what I really want to know is WHERE'D THE MONEY GO?

The executives clearly are not going to tell, but executives hardly ever handle their own financial affairs. There's always an assistant, a secretary, an assistant sub-deputy vice president. They had to give the orders to someone. The truth is always somewhere in the staff. 

If this was fraud, if this was theft, I'd think it's high time someone started looking for the money.

We manage to impound money destined for these secret terrorist organizations -- we impound the cars of suspected drug dealers even BEFORE they go to trial, how difficult could it be to grab tainted Enron money?

Jeff Skilling's lawyer may not be anybody's favorite person, but he got one thing right:

Members of Congress, he said, are succeeding in utterly confusing themselves and the American public.

Let's subpoena some staff members, give them immunity, and FIND THAT MISSING MONEY.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CAMPAIGN2*
Moved: 2/15/2002 8:45
CBS-CAMPAIGN2 2/12/02

See you in court. This is DR...

Campaign finance reform may be on it's way to the President, but will it get past the US Supreme Court? The National Rifle Association doesn't think so, and it is planning to sue.

At issue is the bill's restriction on independent issue ads -- the kind of ads placed by organizations like the NRA. Under the bill, any such ads that appear within TWO MONTHS of a General Election could not mention federal candidates by name.

So for a November election, all ads placed during September and October would have to be cleansed of personal attacks. They'd have to stick to ISSUES. The NRA couldn't say things like "Senator Schmoe wants to snatch your guns!"

Any such restriction, says the NRA, is clearly unconstitutional.

And it may be. But it is not true to say the bill absolutely prohibits the NRA from mentioning a politician. All the bill says is that it cannot use SOFT MONEY to do it. 

If the NRA, or any affected organization, wants to set up a political action committee, and disclose the names of contributors, well then, it can slam any candidate it wants. 

Ah, but THAT's the part the NRA doesn't like: the disclosure. As an NRA spokesman explained to me, disclosing contributors to an NRA PAC would be tantamount to simply releasing its mailing list.

-- Something the NRA, like most organizations, considers to be valuable proprietary information.

So the question boils down to this: does requiring disclosure violate the first amendment? Does the first amendment simply protect free speech? Or can it also be used to protect a mailing list?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SKATING4 *
Moved: 2/15/2002 8:44
CBS-SKATING4 2/15/2002

And now today's episode of Judging Jaime. This is DR...

The theme in all the stories about the Olympic judging flap is that five judges scored an imperfect program by the Russians ahead of a flawless performance by the Canadians.

But it's not that simple.

The long program is not judged simply on flawlessness.

The judges don't just walk in cold -- they watch the practice sessions, and assign each skater a base score based on the difficulty of their program.

So yes, they DO develop preconceived notions about who's the best skater. Because they're supposed to.

Otherwise, they might not leave room at the top. If you let yourself be too impressed by the first skater you can't reward an even better skater who comes on later.

So skaters do NOT step out on the ice as equals. Some go in as a potential 5.8, some go in as a potential 5.4. The program they skate determines whether that base score goes up or down.

And if you look at the scoring grid, you see that it isn't just about jumps. There are notations about the color of the costume, the smile, overall difficulty, speed, the way the skater carries herself, style, originality, and whether the choreography expresses the character of the music.

But even the score itself is not how the skaters win. They win according to how each judge RANKS them. The ranks are then weighted, with the short program accounting for 1/3 of the final score. And in the event a judge gives the same total score to two skaters, the skater with the higher artistic impression wins that judge's ranking.

Got it?

It's amazing ANYBODY wins.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SKATING3*
Moved: 2/15/2002 8:44
CBS-SKATING3 2/15/2002

Sport court. This is DR.

Now the figure-skating controversy is headed to the International Court of Arbitration for Sport. It's reached the level of a war crime!

Please. From what I've read, this allegation that the French judge was "manipulated" -- appears to involve nothing more than plain old lobbying. No bribes, just coaches schmoozing the judges the way song promoters schmooze the DJs, and TV producers schmooze the critics.

Look: if you want to get into a sport that's judged objectively, don't choose one that involves sequins.

Have you seen the score sheets the judges use? They write down everything: music, costume color, whether you smile or not. It's not just the jumps.

The scoring system is a combination of the Electoral College and the Miss America Pageant -- this is not science! The idea here is to please the professor. AND everyone knows that going in. The coaches especially. 

I'll tell you what's REALLY driving this: it's television. Only television could turn a blown Axel into a war crime. In person, the mistake happens once, and its over. But on television, it happens again and again. It happens from different angles. It happens in slow motion. And its accompanied by apocalyptic commentary.

I think the International Sport Court should evaluate the TV coverage too. Ask the commentators about THEIR objectivity.

Sure David and Jaime should have won the Gold Medal. The performance WAS flawless. And I should have won the Pulitzer by now. But they never liked my sequins.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CAMPAIGN
Moved: 2/14/2002 10:11
CBS-CAMPAIGN 2/14/2002

Don't show us the money! This is DR...

A campaign finance reform bill has actually passed the House.

12 Democrats broke ranks to oppose it, but 41 Republicans broke ranks to rescue it.

And if it stands -- the days of Enron-sized donations to national political parties would be over. Politicians couldn't get on the phone to corporate executives and drop little hints about how a $50,000 dollar check might help with party building efforts" and if it all work as intended, it means the next time Ken Lay calls, he'll get put on hold just like everybody else.

The debate when on late into the night, and it was a spirited debate. Opponents raised as many doubts as they could, arguing that this was nothing less than an attack on the First Amendment guarantee of free speech.

That was the argument of Republican Majority Whip Tom Delay: he said the bill would radically weaken the First Amendment by constraining spending. Indeed there are many members who say Money equals Speech.

And I'll grant you they're all smarter than I am, but if money equals speech, how about this.

How about we LEVEL the free speech playing field.

That means, if ENRON gets to give $50,000 in the exercise of its right to free speech, then by golly, EACH and EVERY American should be handed a check for $50,000 so we can exercise OUR rights to free speech.

Nothing complicated about that. The legislation would be MUCH simpler.

And politicians would emerge so pure, we could even trust them to judge the pairs competition.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS SKATING2
Moved: 2/14/2002 8:45
CBS-SKATING2 2/14/2002

Judgement under pressure. This is DR...

The latest on the Russian-Canadian skating crisis is that the French judge was subjected to pressure -- but that she resisted the pressure, and her decision to go with the Russians was an honest, independent vote.

Now the big question is, WHO exerted the pressure?

I hope it turns out to be Saddam Hussein ... then CANADA can bomb him and save us the trouble.

But this much I am sure of:

None of this would have happened if Russian skater Anton Sikharulidze hadn't stepped out of that double axel -- a mistake so obvious that even people who didn't SEE it are outraged that he could have gotten the gold.

That's why if the International Skating Union is REALLY serious about reforming the sport, it will take definitive action.

There should be criminal sanctions for stepping out of a double axle.

Anybody who follows the sport knows that skaters have been getting away with this for years. And it's wrong! Having seen skaters step out of a double axels many times, I can tell you the effect is terrifying.

It makes the audience cringe; it scares small children, and worst of all, it sets a bad example for our young skaters.

They look at this and they say to themselves -- well, if a Russian can step out of a double axle and the cops do nothing, maybe I can get away with it too.

Pretty soon you see them taking shortcuts. Triple toe loops instead of quads, Off-center sit-spins. They walk on to the ice with a slouch.

We're tired of this. The next time a skater steps out of a double axel, I want to see him led away in cuffs -- let him explain it to a REAL judge.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CAMPAIGN
Moved: 2/14/2002 8:45
CBS-CAMPAIGN 2/14/2002

Don't show us the money! This is DR...

A campaign finance reform bill has actually passed the House.

12 Democrats broke ranks to oppose it, but 41 Republicans broke ranks to rescue it.

And if it stands -- the days of Enron-sized donations to national political parties would be over. Politicians couldn't get on the phone to corporate executives and drop little hints about how a $50,000 dollar check might help with party building efforts" and if it all work as intended, it means the next time Ken Lay calls, he'll get put on hold just like everybody else.

The debate when on late into the night, and it was a spirited debate. Opponents raised as many doubts as they could, arguing that this was nothing less than an attack on the First Amendment guarantee of free speech.

That was the argument of Republican Majority Whip Tom Delay: he said the bill would radically weaken the First Amendment by constraining spending. Indeed there are many members who say Money equals Speech.

And I'll grant you they're all smarter than I am, but if money equals speech, how about this.

How about we LEVEL the free speech playing field.

That means, if ENRON gets to give $50,000 in the exercise of its right to free speech, then by golly, EACH and EVERY Ameican should be handed a check for $50,000 so we can exercise OUR rights to free speech.

Nothing complicated about that. The legislation would be MUCH simpler.

And politicians would emerge so pure, we could even trust them to judge the pairs competition.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS ENRON LAY
Moved: 2/13/2002 11:34
CBS-ENRON LAY 2/5/2002

A level playing field. This is DR...

Kenneth Lay has now been subpoenaed to face the Senators. But he'll take the fifth, and just sit there while Senators try to top each other scolding him.

"Are we expected to believe, Mr. Lay, that your company hid billions of dollars in losses and you knew NOTHING about it?"

This will all be very entertaining. But what I think the American people want to know is where all that money went. In particular, I think the people of California want to know where all the money they paid to Enron for electricity went.

And if we can't find out -- then we have to seriously ask whether private companies can be trusted to control so essential a commodity.

The power to sell electricity -- or any kind of energy, for that matter -- is akin to the power to tax -- the main difference being you don't get to vote for the people who tax you. We all have to buy it. No one has a choice. It's not like cable TV where would could drop the service and still live comfortably. 

Well someone, needs to police this, don't you think? 

So once Kenneth Lay has finished not testifying -- assuming, of course, they FIND him -- I'd like see energy companies put through the scanner.

How many OTHER partnerships are there with returns of 2500%, as happened with one of the Enron partnerships? And if it turns out these things are legit, could we ALL get directions on how to do it?

And if it turns out that companies can use offshore tax havens with the government's blessing, could the IRS include a pamphlet with my tax forms, showing me how the rest of us can do it too?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS GRETA
Moved: 2/13/2002 11:34
CBS-GRETA 2/5/2002

We'd grown accustomed to her face. This is DR...

The biggest story on Cable News isn't terrorism, or Enron -- it's Greta van Susteren and her new face.

Greta became famous on CNN during the O-J Simpson trial, when she provided daily analysis of the case alongside Roger Cossak.

You could always depend on her to speak her mind, say it like it was, come up with a snap analysis, cut through the legal jargon -- in short, she was one of those analysts who really knew what she was talking about.

When the trial ended, she went on to do more general topics and moved into a host role. But it was clear -- if unspoken -- that while she had the talent to be a host, she clearly, by TV standards -- how shall I say this -- was distinctly PLAIN. 

I actually found it refreshing -- here's a women who got in the door strictly on competence and stayed there!

But for some reason when she left CNN for the hipper Fox, she decided the old face wouldn't do. We Operate You Decide.

And no matter what you think about cosmetic surgery, you have to admit... this is not your father's Greta. She doesn't even look like a Greta. 

She looks like a Britney. It's the kind of face you'd enjoy watching even with the sound off: In short -- perfect for television.

She said she did it on a whim, nothing more -- but at 47, she must have looked at the competition. She must have known what was ahead for a woman with a TV career.

And I have a feeling she decided that having a sharp mind and extensive experience was all well and good, but even in 2002, if you're a woman, it's still not enough.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FIGURE SKATING2
Moved: 2/13/2002 8:37
CBS-FIGURE SKAITING2 2/13/2002

An INVESTIGATION? This is DR.

Now there's going to be an investigation of the judging of the pair competition at the Olympics -- to find out whether the decision to award Russia the Gold and Canada the Silver was the result of some kind of skullduggery.

The speculation is that the French and Russian judges made a deal: France would vote for Russia in the pairs, if Russia would vote for France in ice dancing.

Yes, nothing creates national pride like capturing the gold in Ice Dancing!

And this has prompted all sorts of hyperbole. I've seen interviews with fans saying they'll never watch figure skating again! I've heard coaches say they're ashamed of their sport. I've even had e-mails saying figure skating doesn't deserve to be a sport -- that nothing involving judges deserves to be a sport. Because it's hopelessly subjective. 

Yikes! We'd have to spend two weeks watching speed skating and luge! You'd have to eliminate baseball, football, basketball. Only racing and BOWLING would be left.

Figure skating gets the highest TV rating of any Olympic event for the very reason that it IS so subjective. It is DELIBERATELY subjective. It USED to be objective -- back when the competition actually involved skating figure 8's. That's why it's called figure skating. The trouble with that was it was BORING. Like watching people knit.

No, figure skating is no more subjective than the strike zone. Plus it has beauty, requires skill, and it provides sports' most important social benefit: something to argue about, knowing it carries no importance whatsoever.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS LINDH NOT GUILTY
Moved: 2/13/2002 8:37
CBS-LINDH NOT GUILTY 2/13/2002

Not guilty. This is DR...

Today John Walker Lindh pleaded not guilty to charges of conspiring to kill Americans in Afghanistan.

His parents were there, and so were the parents of Mike Spann, the C-I-A officer who was killed in the uprising at the prison where Lindh was captured.

At one point, John Lindh offered to shake Johnny Spann's hand, and to apologize father to father. But the gesture was not returned, and a court officer quickly separated them.

Later, Spann's father told reporters that he holds those who trained in al-Qaida camps every bit as responsible for September 11th as the terrorist thugs who took over those planes.

Lindh's family points out that there is nothing in the charges to suggest he actually killed Michael Spann. They point out that he was just a low-level recruit.

However, the charges indicate that John Walker Lindh admitted to learning ONE pretty important piece of information.

He learned from one of his instructors that Osama Bin Laden had sent people to the United States to carry out several suicide operations, and was even asked if he wanted to join them.

That means he knew that an organization that was providing serious training to terrorists had sent some to his country.

Yet he did nothing. He didn't try to escape, but rather continued his training, and marched off to the front lines.

This isn't about a guy who merely expresses hostility towards America: this is about a guy who chose up sides with a band who made it clear they planned to attack his country.

When you choose up sides with people like that ... you better be sure they win.

[Because you're going to pay the price if they lose.]

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CAMPAIGN FINANCE
Moved: 2/12/2002 8:57
CBS-CAMPAIGN FINANCE 2/12/2002

Could the fix be in? This is DR...

There's been no question about where the President stands when it comes to evil. But a piece in the New York Times today raises doubts about his position on campaign finances.

Does he want a bill that will take the soft money out of politics or not? He has said he does, and that he would likely sign a campaign bill if it got to his desk, but the Times piece implies that he's been working behind the scenes to make sure it never GETS to his desk.

Why behind the scenes? Because despite the President's high approval rating -- the latest Gallup Poll finds that 82% of Americans think Congress should investigate his administration's Enron ties. 

So the word has reportedly gone out to the House leadership to lobby 33 Republicans who voted for the bill back in the days when it had no chance of passing.

The thinking is that they MIGHT want to change their minds, because thanks to the efforts of Senator John McCain, and with a considerable boost from the Enron scandal, that bill now has EVERY chance of passing.

In other words, their votes would actually COUNT this time.

This doesn't mean they have to vote no. All they have to do is vote for amendments that would render the bill meaningless.

Clever tactic.

But wait a minute, you say -- how can the President be opposed to campaign reform? Hasn't he made it clear that he will sign any bill that reaches his desk?

Exactly. That may be the most effective lobbying technique of all.

When it comes to an issue like campaign reform, there's no better way to kill a bill -- than to promise to sign it.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FIGURE SKATING
Moved: 2/12/2002 8:57
CBS-FIGURE SKATING 2/12/2002

It's another figure skating controversy! This is DR...

The Olympic buzz today is whether the Canadians were robbed by the judges in pairs figure skating.

When the Russians got the gold medal despite at least TWO mistakes, it became the biggest Olympic controversy since the revelation that the fireplace behind Bob Costas is fake. For a moment I thought the cold war was back.

The Russian couple in the "pairs free skate" made at least two obvious mistakes -- at one point, Anton Sik-HAR-u-lidze ALMOST fell! Whereas the Canadians executed a perfect routine, AND did it despite a collision on the ice during practice.

But the mistakes didn't matter -- the Russians got the gold.

On both the Canadian and the US broadcasts, the commentators were shocked. Commentators are always shocked when their confident predictions turn out to be wrong. 

There could be a logical explanation.

Remember -- the Canadians DID dance to the theme from Love Story which was a pretty sappy pop-culture movie based on Al Gore.

But here's what made me catch an edge: the Canadian commentators pointed out that before the competition, during the practice session, the Russian coach was lobbying the judges. Working the room!

Now I don't know exactly what that means -- whether it's just small talk or actually handing out gifts, but how can THAT be allowed? This is the Olympics. It's about the purity of sport.

I don't who's the better skater. Those of us who stumble just walking downstairs in the morning aren't equipped to judge.

But this lobbying of the judges -- that's got to stop. 

Who does that coach think she is, a member of the bid committee? 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CURLING
Moved: 2/11/2002 11:25
CBS-CURLING 2/11/02

Let's see, do we watch the Enron hearings, or curling? This is DR...

Tough choice -- since the popular impression is that nothing happens at either one.

But the popular impression is wrong. Curling, I think, is on-track to get the respect it deserves. It will get quite a bit of cable airtime this week.

I've done a little curling, strictly amateur, of course, but it only took one session on the sheet to realize that your preparation MUST involve more than beer.

It may look kind of silly sliding along on one knee, shoving a 42-pound rock, but if you're not in shape, it HURTS. And pushing a rock along the ice, may sound easy, but pushing it along the ice at just the right speed and with just the right spin to get it to curl behind another rock and stop at a precise point 126 feet away -- THAT part is not so easy.

As for the sweeping, that looks silly too -- a bunch of adults trying to scrub out some imaginary stain -- buy try it sometime. On your floor at home. Try to take a mop and scrub back and forth non-stop for a 30 seconds. And then do it again. And then again.

But as challenging as curling can be, there is one thing it is not.

Unlike downhill skiing, ski jumping, snowboarding, hockey -- it's something you can actually do without RISKING DEATH. As long as you pay attention and don't slip, you usually come out in one piece. 

You can play for days, weeks, years without a disabling accident. There are no slow motion documentaries about curlers recovering from horrible accidents.

In fact the most dangerous part is the beer.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GLOBAL CROSSING
Moved: 2/11/2002 11:25
CBS-GLOBAL CROSSING 2/11/2002

Riches to rags. This is DR...

Let's ponder the Olympics for a moment.... in particular, how the Olympics are the opposite of Wall Street. In the Olympics, if you succeed you get a gold medal, and if you fail, you don't.

No hidden deals, you don't get to make up your own rules, you can't even use drugs. 

Meanwhile, on Wall Street there's another story today about the substantial rewards of failure.

This time, it's a communications company called Global Crossing, founded just five years ago by Gary Winnick, and already bankrupt, with the stock selling at around 7 cents.

But by the time it collapsed, Mr. Winnick had managed to sell shares worth $734 million.

This is not to imply that there's anything illegal. There's no evidence these trades were based on inside information, but it IS amazing how flat out LUCKY insiders can be. 

And they manage to do it even though the companies they run never make a profit!

Global Crossing's big idea was 100,000-miles of fiber-optic cable. Only one problem -- no demand. 

But no matter -- Winnick was able to sell millions of dollars in stock before anyone realized how badly the company would tank.

As for the losers? You'll never guess. Company employees! Now THERE'S a surprise! Who in addition to getting laid off learned that they could get in line behind the company's creditors to collect their severance packages.

See, under the terms of their 401Ks, they couldn't sell their company stock for five years.

Yes, I know executives sacrifice a lot to get to the top -- but the agony of victory is so much easier take when it's followed by the thrill of defeat.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CHEATING
Moved: 2/8/2002 10:31
CBS-CHEATING 2/7/2002

Cheaters never win. But that doesn't mean they necessarily lose either. This is DR.

It happened last December in Piper Kansas, but only recently came out: the story of high school teacher Christine Pelton, who discovered that 28 sophomore biology students had copied their semester projects from the Internet.

When she learned what they had done, she took action.

She gave each of the 28 students got a big fat ZERO. Zero, zero, zero, 28 times.

Tough medicine, but the rules are the rules. Her principal agreed, her superintendent agreed.

But the PARENTS - they didn't like it one bit.

They complained to the school board -- and the school board decided "WEELLL, a little plagiarism isn't THAT bad, why reinvent the wheel, so how about you give the students partial credit and decrease the project's value from 50 percent of the final grade to 30 percent?"

As a result, the kids had the zeros removed, and Christine Pelton resigned -- saying the class would no longer take direction from her. They knew mommy and daddy could just run to the school board.

Alas, many teachers could tell you similar stories -- Rutgers professor Donald McCabe did a study which found that 74 percent of high school students had cheated or plagiarized during the prior year. That this happens even in the American heartland is no longer surprising.

But who are we to judge? The school board probably knows more than we do. They probably figured that kids have to learn to cheat somewhere. They're the future after all. They'll run the country someday. And we know what these sudden attacks of honesty can do to stock prices.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS STOCKS
Moved: 2/8/2002 8:55
STOCKS.CBS 02/07/02 7:44 PMDLR 1:01

The stock firms want you back. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

With many of you apparently are worried that even nonEnron firms are making up their numbers, a House Committee has announced changes in the rules for brokers. 

STOCKS2

Representative John LaFalce of New York . who joined in announcing an agreement with securities firms to get Wall Street analysts to sober up.

Among the new rules:

TV stock analysts MUST disclose if they own even one share of stock in a company they are discussing.

Disclosures must be prominently displayed in research reports.

And brokerage firms must define the rating systems they use.

Representative Melissa Hart of Pennsylvania:

STOCKS4 . analysts give

My, how things have changed. Just a few short years ago, Wall Street was actively lobbying against these changes. But with 2/3rds of American retirement plans based on 401Ks  you don't want all those people thinking that stock might one day be worthless.

'Cause they just might sell sell sell

So the rules are getting tougher, although Committee chair Michael Oxley of Ohio says you can't expect miracles:

STOCKS ONE

No not overnight. But before retirement would be nice.

Now this.

~C:\works\files\STOCKS.CBS

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>cbsstocks
Time: 91s
Out-cue: ] 
Index 

CBS ENRON15
Moved: 2/8/2002 8:55
CBS-ENRON15 2/8/2002

They're only men. This is DR...

I've been watching as many Enron hearings as I can, looking for any useful bit of information to share with you. 

But -- nothing. Those who should know don't, and those who should talk, won't.

So all we get are members of Congress using clever metaphors.

Well, metaphors anyway.

``It's not possible to figure out what caused this huge Enron ship to capsize if you can't hear from the captain,'' said Sen. Ron Wyden.

"You are employing the Sergeant Schultz defense of `I see nothing, I hear nothing,' " said Representative Edward J. Markey.

The remark seemed to puzzle former CEO Jeffrey Skilling, along with just about everything else.

However, the stunning ignorance professed by those who have been willing to testify HAS confirmed one thing that we all know.

Men don't talk to each other.

A group of men can be working for the same company, and can be neck deep in financial weirdness, and it will never come out in conversation.

Mr. Skilling described a board meeting where the minutes show he approved a partnership deal, but on Thursday, he remembered nothing about the meeting. He was distracted by a power outage, he said.

That's also typical of men. "Didn't I tell you three hours ago the toilet was backed up?" "Sorry -- I was distracted by a power outage, I'll be there right away."

How many times have we men spent whole weekends oblivious of what really needed to be done?

So it may be that in fact this scandal is no scandal at all, just typical male behavior -- which in this case just happened to involve a lot of peoples' retirements.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS OLYMPICS
Moved: 2/8/2002 8:55
CBS-OLYMPICS 2/08/2002

The Olympics are on the air. This is Dave Ross.

The flag debate is settled, the security is in place, the TV's aimed at the Barcalounger, and for the next two weeks, Americans will be at the mercy NBC and its 375 hours of Olympic programming -- it will disrupt sleep schedules, dinner, marriages. 

But not me... I'm fighting back.

I got one of those TV time machines. I got a "TIVO." That's right... 

You hook it up to your cable and your phone line, and it loads itself with all the TV listings for the week. So instead of having to camp in front of the tube when some Machiavellian NBC programmer wants me to, I just select the programs by title. Olympics Friday (DING) Olympics Saturday (DING), and it records them automatically from whatever channel happens to carry them first.

So I have it ALL.

If it's lunch and I want Jim McKay -- hit PLAY, and there he is.

A little curling from Canadian TV, hit PLAY, there it is.

And when the commercials come, I can blip right past them.

It's great. It's liberating. Except for one thing. You see, before, when I could only watch TV in REAL time, I'd flip it on -- nothing interesting -- I'd flip it off.

But now, when I turn the TV on -- there's ALWAYS something I want to see. SO now I watch three, four hours a night. Plus, without commercials, I have no clue what I should be spending my money on when I'm NOT watching TV! 

Now I'm going to have to find the time to watch 375 hours of Olympics, in addition to every episode of Seinfeld AND 60 Minutes One AND Two.

It's driving me nuts. I should be watching it now! In fact, I have to go....

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TALIBAN
Moved: 2/7/2002 10:05
CBS-TALIBAN 2/6/2002

Danger all around. This is DR...

American Taliban John Walker Lindh was denied bail today, with prosecutors arguing he's a flight risk, and that it would be folly to release him to his parents.

Not surprising they'd want to keep him close by. But what I found interesting was the argument they used.

They said that Walker is dangerous because he has repeatedly shown ''hostility towards his country.'' As evidence they presented an e-mail to his mother, in which he asked, ``What has America ever done for anybody?''

Now -- I know that at a bail hearing, the standards are not the same as at a trial.

But something in me squirms at the idea that simply sending e-mails being critical of America can work against you in a court of law.

Oh, I can hear the comments: Dave, don't defend these whiny anti-American liberals.

But tell me: people who protest the income tax -- aren't they showing (QUOTE) "hostility" toward their country? Conservative gundamentalists who say they keep firearms NOT just to frighten burglars, but to deter a tyrannical bureaucracy -- aren't they showing (QUOTE) "hostility" toward their country?

As for the other damning comment, "What has American ever done for anybody?" -- There are plenty of good Americans who think America has no business doing anything for anybody. We're the land of opportunity -- a place that allows people to do for THEMSELVES, not lap at the government trough. 

I can certainly accept that John Walker Lindh OUGHT to be behind bars. But if these e-mails are the reason -- then we are a country FULL of people who ought to be behind bars.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CONDOMS
Moved: 2/7/2002 10:05
CBS-CONDOMS 2/5/2002

The Joy of Sport. This is DR...

The debate over the role of the World Trade Center flag in the opening Olympic Ceremonies is settled. But ANOTHER controversy remains.

As you've probably heard, the Salt Lake Organizing Committee will provide free condoms to Olympic Athletes. And a group of pro-life college students artists and musicians called Generation Life says it's appalling.

At a news conference, they pointed out, correctly, that recreational sex is not an Olympic sport -- this year, anyway -- and that handing out free condoms not only misrepresents the values of the Olympic games, but also the moral values of the people of Utah.

Well, no one is going question the moral values of Utah: it's the home state of Donny Osmond! It's just that ... if the people of Utah were truly worried about casual sex erupting in their midst, they should have thought twice about the Olympics.

Yes, the brochures portray the Olympics as a gathering of athletes to celebrate the pure joy of sport.

But it's also a gathering of a lot of twenty-something men and women who are great-looking, in fantastic shape, far away from home, and single. 

It's Temptation Island!

Remember: the actual competition doesn't take that long. You jump in the bobsled, 90 seconds of terror, and you're done.

Which means: hundreds of virile young men, and firm young women, waiting for their events with nothing to do.

So go ahead and take away the condoms if you think it's immoral. But you better at least give them Game Boys.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS COCKPIT
Moved: 2/7/2002 8:46
CBS-COCKPIT 2/7/2002

Another test for the airborne militia. This is DR...

It's happened again. A passenger tries to attack the cockpit, and he gets nowhere.

This time it was aboard United Air Lines Flight 859 from Miami to Argentina.

According to one of the passengers, a large man began kicking at the cockpit door saying he had to speak to the captain. The captain at the time was out of the cockpit, taking a rest.

The commotion woke the passengers and brought the flight attendants running.

What happened next indicates that the when the good guys act, the bad guys don't have a chance.

The man was kung-fu kicking the cockpit door, and actually broke through the bottom half -- wriggling his upper body into the cockpit.

But by that time, passengers had grappled his legs, and were trying to pull him out. While in the cockpit, the co-pilot had taken the escape ax, and was smacking him with the blunt end.

Finally the captain came forward with the restraints, passengers help tie the guy hand and foot, and he spent the rest of the flight in business class, lashed to the seat with a seatbelt. The plane landed safely.

Now this is the kind of story I want to hear again and again -- not that I want more assaults on the cockpit -- I just want all evil-doers to know that planes these days are full of good-doers.

And the cockpit doors may not be perfect -- this one certainly wasn't -- and there may not be air marshals on every flight... but by golly anyone who plans on taking over the cockpit had better have an excellent medical plan.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ENRON14
Moved: 2/7/2002 8:46
CBS-ENRON14 2/7/2002

No one wanted to know. This is DR...

Derivatives, puts, hedges, partnerships named after birds and Star Wars creatures -- the hearings on capital hill are trying to unravel the mystery that was Enron.

The flow chart of these deals looks like a kindergarten doodle ... and yet look how high the stock price went! How is it possible that so many investors could get it so wrong?

Let me hazard a guess. Could it be because most of us who invest in the stock market have no CLUE what we're investing in?

When I got my first ten shares of AT&T 35 years ago I knew what AT&T did. It was the phone company. It made the phone ring.

But now, you don't buy a stock because you understand what the company does, you go to investment seminars. Where you spend an hour -- or maybe a whole day -- trying to stay awake for lectures about price earnings ratios, and industry sectors, and stock mixes, and volatility...

There's only thing you NEVER hear about: What the companies you're investing in ... actually DO!

Nobody talks about products or services, because nobody cares!

Nobody cares HOW a company makes its money, so long as it makes a lot. Or at least PRETENDS to make a lot.

As crazy as it all looks now, I'll bet the Enron execs thought they were doing EXACTLY what the stockholders wanted.

The dirty little secret behind the Enron story is that if the stock had kept rising, the very same schemes which look so morally reprehensible today would have made its executives heroes. 

And naming those partnerships after Star Wars characters and birds -- would have been the marks of genius. [Which is why congress will have a hard time getting Wall Street to change the rules.]

Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAN
Moved: 2/4/2002 8:52
CBS-IRAN 2/4/2002

How come it's OK when THEY do it? This is DR...

In Iran, the leadership is very upset about President Bush's State of the Union Address. Because he included Iran in his "axis of evil" comment.

He said Iran aggressively pursues weapons of mass destruction and exports terror, while an unelected few repress the Iranian people's hope for freedom. 

Iranian leaders were shocked. Said the President was ungrateful. Called the comment arrogant -- in addition to being a cliche. Iran's Deputy Foreign minister challenged the President to provide evidence backing his claim.

Now -- I admit the President was saber rattling -- but I have to say, of all the nations to accuse of US of name-calling -- IRAN?

Let's see here - March 1999  Supreme spiritual leader of Iran calls United States the Great Satan.

June 1999 Iranian cleric says the US is still the enemy number one of the Iranian people.

December 2001 Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, in a Friday prayer sermon broadcast on state radio, accused the United States and Britain of committing unforgettable war crimes.

Here's another one from 2001: "America's hands are stained with all the crimes committed by the Zionist regime."

January 2002: A prominent hard-line leader calls the United States the ''sole enemy of humanity.''

Then there's the old US Embassy in Tehran which has been converted into an anti-American museum, where you have to walk on the American flag to get in, and which includes an interactive exhibit where you test your strength by bashing Uncle Sam on the head. 

And they're upset because our President called them part of the "axis of EVIL?" I would think they'd be HONORED.

Now.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS LAY
Moved: 2/4/2002 8:52
CBS-LAY 2/4/2002

Kenneth Lay cancels. This is DR...

Kenneth Lay, former Enron Chairman, was supposed to testify to Congress, but now has cancelled - his attorney saying he couldn't get a fair hearing.

But more likely, he saw the report issued over the weekend by a committee of the Enron Board -- a report which portrays him as being asleep at the switch.

I read that report -- or I should say, I tried to read it. Its descriptions of Enron's dealings read like the IRS code. The organizational charts look like circuit diagrams. And the whole thing has the unmistakable odor of BS.

He ran a company where Enron executives set up numerous partnerships named after birds. You had several named Raptor, a Whitewing Partnership, Peregrine, Osprey, Condor, Talon -- until they apparently got tired of thinking up bird names and went on to Timberwolf and Bobcat.

The report described one deal as follows:

Enron agreed that if it were to receive a distribution from Timberwolf upon the termination of Raptor II -- but Talon lacked sufficient assets to back its obligation to Enron -- Enron would allow Talon to use the distribution that otherwise would have gone from Timberwolf to Enron
to satisfy Talon's obligations.

Here's another one:

(QUOTE) Enron contributed to "Raptor I" a contingent forward contract held by a whollyowned Enron subsidiary, Peregrine, under which Peregrine had a right to receive Enron stock ... from Whitewing. (UNQUOTE)

I think Ken Lay must have looked at this and realized that he would sound like more like an ornithologist than a CEO.

I'm only surprised the names didn't include the most obvious one: vulture.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS SATAN
Moved: 2/1/2002 9:31
CBS-SATAN 1/29/2002

Beat the Devil. This is DR.

The ACLU has demanded that the town of Inglis, Florida -- which is just up the road from Crackertown, and not far from Yankeetown, right there on the Gulf Coast, rescind its proclamation banning Satan.

It was written by Mayor Carolyn Risher on Halloween Night, out of concern that the small town values of Inglis were fading and fewer people had the time to sit and chat about the Bible.

She had no doubt as to the cause of this, hence the proclamation which reads in part:

"Be in known from this day forward that Satan, ruler of darkness, giver of evil, destroyer of what is good and just, is not now, nor ever again will be, a part of this town of Inglis."

"Satan is hereby declared powerless, no longer ruling over or influencing our citizens."

There is no indication, by the way, that Inglis ever gave the devil a free ride. Quite the contrary -- the daily police blotter is just about empty:

Generally one traffic ticket and maybe a domestic violence call. And after the proclamation, teen dances were banned from the community center, removing another source of temptation. 

Now, the ACLU considers this an unconstitutional establishment of religion, and is now campaigning to have it withdrawn.

But say - let's give it a try. Every last one of us is sick and tired of evil, and we know how difficult it can be to eradicate. Right now we're spending a billion dollars a month, and the cost will only go up.

If this document does the job, and keeps the evil at bay, Hallelujah.

And if it doesn't, well then it proves that along with everything else, the Devil is a scofflaw too.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SCREENING
Moved: 2/1/2002 9:31
CBS-SCREENING 1/31/2002

They won't just be going through your luggage. This is DR...

The day is coming when the security check will begin BEFORE you get to the airport. 

The government is working with computer data-gathering companies to put together a background check system that would be triggered every time you buy a plane ticket. The idea is to pick out THE most suspicious people sop that you don't have to make EVERYBODY take their shoes off, which is starting to become annoying. 

The system would look for red flags. For example, one suspect scenario would be if a man uses a debit card to buy tickets for four other men in separate seats scattered around the same plane. The system would check the list of their known addresses -- and if it finds they once lived near or WITH each other, then THEY'RE the guys we force to take off their shoes.

But this worries some people, who consider is a major breach of privacy. Breach of privacy? Ever applied for a home mortgage? Or a credit card? Or health insurance?

Your privacy is already toast.

The problem here is isn't privacy -- it's what you DO with the information. I have a feeling what they want to do is let the people who DON'T raise any red flags just scoot through security.

Big mistake. Because eventually, the enemy will figure out the profile of an innocent traveler, and seek to match it.

Which is why no matter HOW much pre-screening goes on, you still have to check people at the airport.

I can think of only one thing to speed up the lines while we wait for more screeners to arrive.

Wear loafers.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WARNINGS
Moved: 2/1/2002 9:31
CBS-WARNINGS 2/1/02

The most specific attack warning yet. This is DR:

It came as a tip from an alQaida operative - that terrorists may be planning to hijack an airplane and attack a nuclear plant.

According to the tip, "the attack was already planned" and three people "already on the ground" were trying to recruit nonArabs to take part.

So I guess they're on to our profiling.

The main result of this latest warning is that the newscasts today include aerial shots of nuclear power plants. Which I hope is all file footage, because if they're letting news helicopters get that close then we're really in trouble.

But other than look at the pictures and cross our fingers that it doesn't happen, what can we ordinary Americans do with this information?

Be patient while the screeners go through our baggage, I guess. And after that -- start fantasizing.

I get the feeling someone is trying to tell us something, I just don't know what. Today we have the warning about the nuclear plants -- and yesterday we had the Defense Secretary warning of an attack that would be BIGGER than the September 11th attacks.

So I put two and two together and I think -- are they trying to tell us that those nuclear plants aren't as solid as we thought?

Are they trying to tell us that if a plane hits one of those plants, there would be some sort of nuclear explosion? Are they trying to tell us we should be ready for such a thing? Dust off the evacuation plans from the 50s?

And if that's NOT what they mean, then maybe this is the kind of information which should be kept secret until there's something that the rest of us can actually do about it.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ENRON13
Moved: 2/1/2002 9:31
CBS-ENRON13 2/1/02

Help is on the way. This is DR.

Here they come -- the first bills to address the impact of the Enron case on workers: The President proposes changing the rules to make it easier for workers to sell company stock after three years, instead of having to wait until age 50, which was the rule for Enron employees.

Another bill sponsored by two democratic senators would let employees sell after only 90 days, and prohibits them from keeping more than 20 percent of their retirement account in the same stock.

This is all very wonderful.

But here's what I keep asking myself. What difference does it make whether you can sell your stock after 90 days or whether 20% of your retirement fund is in the same stock -- if that stock is a fiction to begin with? Because the more we find out, the more it appears that Enron wasn't so much a company as a counterfeiting operation. They were selling pieces of paper that only LOOKED like stock. And the way the rules stand now, it is apparently legal to sell stock in a company whose real liabilities are hidden.

And this de-regulated stock market is what so many 401Ks are based on? Heck, why don't we go all the way and de-regulate the currency too. Forget the serial numbers, the special paper, the magnetic threads, the micro printing, we'll just deregulate the currency, and instead of being signed by the Treasurer of the United States, your money will now be signed by an trustworthy accounting firm.

However, don't worry, by law, no more than 20% of the bills in your wallet can be signed by the SAME trustworthy accounting firm.

Ah, now THAT's security.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS McWHORTLE
Moved: 1/30/2002 9:00
CBS-McWHORTLE 1/30/2002

Investor beware! This is DR...

According to the web site, the company was so successful, that current investors were reaping a profit of 217% a year. The name of this money machine? McWhortle Enterprises, founded 35 years ago to make equipment to protect against bio-terror attacks. 

Equipment that for obvious reasons is now in high demand.

The company refuses to list its customers, citing their desire for confidentiality.

And the picture of the company's Bio-hazard Alert Detector looks suspiciously like a bar code reader, and has no product specs. But 217%? Who wouldn't want to invest?

So like a responsible investor you click on the financial statement -- and SURPRISE! The page is a hoax -- put there by the Securities and Exchange Commission to teach investors a lesson: watch out for scams.

And a valuable lesson it is. But, see, scams like this are not the problem. Anybody dumb enough to send money to a company that won't list its customers, has no financial statement, and has a phony-looking product deserves to be ripped off.

The real problem is when LEGITIMATE companies with REAL web sites rip you off. Companies that DO have a product, that DO have a customer list, that DO have financial statements. Colorful, glossy, CERTIFIED financial statements.

The good news is that the President seems to understand this. To quote from his speech: "employees who have worked hard and saved all their lives should not have to risk losing everything if their company fails."

Amen to that. And now we wait to see whether the Enron employees it happened to -- get a check.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS STATE OF THE UNION
Moved: 1/30/2002 9:00
CBS-STATE OF THE UNION 1/20/2002

Between the lines. This is DR...

In his famous September 20th speech, the President did not specifically declare war on the Taliban regime -- but he issued an ultimatum he knew they would not fulfill:

Close every terrorist training camp.
Hand over every terrorist.
And give the US full access.

Those demands, he said, were not open to negotiation or discussion.

Within three weeks, the bombs were falling.

In the State of the Union Address, there was a similar list of non-negotiable items:

"We have no intention of imposing our culture," The president said. But America will always stand firm for the non-negotiable demands of human dignity: the rule of law; limits on the power of the state; respect for women; private property; free speech; equal justice; and religious tolerance.

Now just off the top, I can think of several countries that cannot comply with those non-negotiable demands: Iraq, Iran, North Korea, Cuba, Libya, Sudan, Syria, China AND a country we consider an ally (for now, anyway) -- Saudi Arabia.

He did not set a deadline for meeting these non-negotiable demands.

But he did announce a military budget of 379 billion. Now, in real terms -- accounting for inflation -- that's less than in 1985, the height of the Reagan build up.

However - those nine nations I mentioned? The ones which may have trouble meeting our non-negotiable demands? Our military budget is more than six times what they spend COMBINED.

So the message between the lines appears to be, we will not impose our culture -- but you might want to consider changing yours... just in case.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS LAY
Moved: 1/29/2002 8:55
CBS-LAY 1/29/2002

A CEO who feels your pain. This is DR...

With former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay about testify before Congress, his wife Linda has been on television defending his reputation.

She said her husband is a good man who was deceived by subordinates -- and had he known what was going on, he'd have stopped it.

Their five children also supported him as an ethical and giving man -- and how can you debate that? All of us hope our own families would be just as loyal.

The only thing I can't figure out is what this has to do with the urgent issue at hand which is -- can you trust the numbers?

Is an investment in the stock market truly an investment, or is it a ponzi scheme? How do you know? Is there anyone checking OTHER companies, to see if THEIR junior executives are shifting money behind the CEO's back?

We've had two big bankruptcies since Enron -- K-Mart and Global Crossing. I'm assuming these are honest bankruptcies, and that there are no offshore tax havens or weird partnerships involved -- but how do we know? Is there anybody whose job it is to check?

And here's how Kenneth Lay can turn his image around. Instead of his wife sitting in a gigantic house and explaining how broke they are, he could propose the kind of independent accounting that would prevent future CEOs from being tricked the way he ostensibly was. He might propose a law which says if an executive sets up a weird little corporation on some exotic island, then he has to move there.

And -- he might help form an insurance pool that protects long-time employees from losing their retirement funds to fraud.

And THEN the sympathy will flow like a river.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DRAPES
Moved: 1/29/2002 8:55
CBS-DRAPES 1/29/2002

No one upstages the attorney general. This is DR. 

The federal budget may be tight, but the Justice Department DID manage to find 8,000 dollars to buy new draperies. The drapes hang in front of two statues in the Justice Department's Great Hall, where occasionally the Attorney General delivers speeches. 

One of them is a ten foot female representing the Spirit of Justice and photographers were in the habit of photographing Ashcroft at an angle that placed her exposed aluminum breast just above his head, hence the new drapes. And of course this is now all over the news

Now you can make fun of Ashcroft all you want, accuse him of petty prudery -- but the real blame belongs to all these artists who insist on portraying legitimate metaphysical concepts as immodest, shameless women.

Justice is supposed to be blind, not NAKED. INJUSTICE is naked.

But this is so typical of artists. Nothing gets a male artist's adrenalin pumping like building his ideal woman, and leaving at one of her breasts exposed. They think all they have to do is name it something like "The Spirit of Justice" and it's OK. Well, the attorney general is on to THAT little ruse.

And it's not just the Justice Department. The Supreme Court has a statue called the Contemplation of Justice which shows a generous amount of leg. In the New York Public Library a female figure called "Beauty", is not only nude, but she's riding Pegasus. What message does that send?

So a discreet blue drape is the LEAST we can do. Although a burka would be better.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS TAINTED MONEY
Moved: 1/25/2002 13:29
CBS-TAINTED MONEY 1/25/02

Tainted money. This is DR.

Any time there's a scandal like the Enron bankruptcy, people try to distance themselves. 

Which is why any politician who took so-called tainted money is either returning it, or spending it in some noble way -- such as giving it to a fund for fired Enron employees.

The difficult thing here is discerning when tainted money officially becomes untainted, and therefore OK to spend.

For example, when Colorado Governor Bill Owens discovered a donation from former Enron Chairman Kenneth Lay -- he gave it to a charter school. But school officials said they didn't want the money either. So THEY turned it over to the employee fund.

But hey -- if the money is tainted because it was once handled by Ken Lay, why should his ex-employees want it?

And how reassuring are these give-backs REALLY? When a politician says, "Giving back this money PROVES I am not in Enron's pocket," it implies there's a flip side, namely that they are still IN THE pocket of the companies whose money they DIDN'T give back.

The truth is, no one can give back their Enron money, because they SPENT it long ago. 

That's why I like Rep. Billy Tauzin's approach. He runs the House Energy and Commerce Committee, and he's been stalking Enron executives for two months, disclosing all sorts of damning memos. HE also received THOUSANDS from Enron AND Arthur Andersen... but HE isn't giving back a cent.

He's sending the message -- not only will I take your money, but I'll use it to buy the bullet I shoot you with.

If THAT doesn't deter the fat cats, it's hard to see what will. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SAUDIS
Moved: 1/25/2002 13:24
CBS-SAUDIS 1/25/2002

The big cover up. This is DR...

Lt Col Martha McSally, a fighter pilot stationed in Saudi Arabia, was sick of being required to cover herself with a head-to-toe abaya whenever she left the base. 

The Defense Department required female soldiers to cover themselves in deference to the customs of Saudi Arabia. Col McSally pointed out that female diplomats representing the United States are under no such requirement, and are tolerated by the Saudis, therefore to make only MILITARY women cover up is unfair.

This week, the defense department decided to change its policy, and made the abaya OPTIONAL -- while still strongly encouraging it.

So I figured that was that. 

But apparently no one checked to see what SAUDI officials wanted.

And TODAY we learn that Saudi officials don't like it at all! A member of the Committee for the Preservation of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice, the Saudi agency which enforces Islamic Law, says ALL women must wear the abaya without regard to religion, nationality, or profession, period.

I guess there's just something about a female fighter pilot that drives Saudi men WILD.

The Associated Press quoted a committee official as saying "Everybody is considered equal under Islam. Whoever doesn't like it, let them go back home."

"Whoever doesn't like it, let them go back home."

So I guess if she follows the new policy, and leaves the base without the right covering, this American fighter pilot will be spanked by the religious police.

"Whoever doesn't like it, let them go back home."

You know, my fellow Americans, he may have a point there.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TELEMARKETING SAT*
Moved: 1/25/2002 13:09
CBS-TELEMARKETING

Hold the phone! This is DR. 

The tug of war between telemarketERS and telemarketEES could go nuclear.

The Federal Trade Commission wants to create a national "Do Not Call" list. Once your name was on it, no telemarketer could call you up with the intent to sell you cheap siding. Or GOOD siding for that matter.

But Patricia Faley of the Direct Marketing Association says this is a slap at the Constitution:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>tele3
Time: 3s
Title: tele3 Pat Faley
In-cue: Well
Out-cue: What's free speech worth]

And it hurts honest people

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>tele2
Time: 11s
Title: tele2 Pat Faley
Out-cue: good siding]

That's what John does -- he runs a remodeling business.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>tele8
Time: 7s
Title: tele8 John
In-cue: I understand
Out-cue: and move on]

And then there's Rob, who has an even tougher challenge:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>tele7
Time: 10s
Title: tele7 Rob Cemetery
In-cue: I'm in a telemarketing
Out-cue: on the phone]

And if people don't like being reminded of their mortality during dinner...

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>tele6
Time: 3s
Title: tele6 Rob
In-cue: If they don't
Out-cue: hang up]

He doesn't see the need for a DO Not Call list either.

But none of it impresses Helen:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>tele4
Time: 2s
Title: tele4 Helen
In-cue: I would think this would be a 
Out-cue: slam dunk]

And none of it impresses Mark, who would go even further:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>tele5
Time: 7s
Title: tele5 Mark
In-cue: We should prohibit
Out-cue: market their products]

There's always radio.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PRIUS
Moved: 1/25/2002 13:09
CBS-PRIUS 1/24/202

Another case of Prius envy. This is DR...

As you may know, I drive a Prius -- one of those gas-electric hybrids. 40 miles a gallon, negligible emissions. I bought it so that I can make sanctimonious comments about saving the earth.

And I don't expect a laurel wreath or anything, but I certainly didn't expect the e-mail I got about what's going on in Oregon.

Guess how Oregon rewards hybrid owners for saving gas and keeping the air clean. They get a letter advising them that their registration fee is doubled! Why?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Oregon1
Time: 14s
Title: Oregon1 David House
Out-cue: a little bit]

David House, at the Oregon Department of Motor Vehicles. The Oregon Legislature -- right there in the heart of America's Eco-Topia, actually PENALIZES drivers for doing the environmentally responsible thing. 

Oregon has the cheapest tabs in the nation -- 30 bucks every two years -- but it's the PRINCIPLE. 

See, it's only the Hybrids who pay the double tax. Buy NON-Hybrid getting he exact same mileage, no penalty!

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Oregon2
Time: 3s
Title: Oregon2 David House
In-cue: But there's also
Out-cue: Protecting the environment]

Yeah. We're supposed to accept this obvious form of discrimination and tell ourselves, "Well, a least they're only charging me a SMALL penalty for saving the earth." 

But you know what he told me?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Oregon3
Time: 1s
Title: Oregon3 David House
Out-cue: Nobody's complained]

Nobody's complained. You non-Hybrid people can sit there all smug; dismiss us as another whining minority. But you watch -- they'll come after you, too.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DEFICIT
Moved: 1/24/2002 9:37
CBS-DEFICIT 1/24/02

It's official. Surpluses are now bad. This is DR.

Remember the $5.6 trillion dollar surplus that the US was supposed to enjoy over the next ten years? Well, memories are about all that's left. Most of it has disappeared.

The Congressional Budget Office has released its latest figures. And they show that instead of a surplus of 5.6 trilion over the next ten years -- which would have paid off almost the TOTAL national debt -- the new projection is a surplus of 1.6 trillion. Which will not pay off the national debt.

That debt, as of Tuesday, stood at 5 trillion, 807 billion, 463 million, 412 thousand, 2 hundred dollars and 6 cents -- including what's owed to Social Security.

It's gone up 117 billion since October.

As to where the surplus went? Number one, the tax cut; number two spending increases; and number three, higher interest payments on the national debt BECAUSE of the tax cut and the spending increases.

But that's OK, because the line now is that surpluses are bad. Said White House Spokesman Ari Fleischer -- surpluses take more money away from the American people.

And polls show the voters agree. We're at war, they say. Job one is to prevent another attack -- which would REALLY hurt the economy.

So the annual deficits are back -- and the plan seems to be if taxes have to go up again, well, we'll be though this crisis in ten years, and we can raise taxes THEN.

Which coincidentally is when a huge number of American taxpayers, collectively known as the Baby Boom, will be retiring. Or at least trying to.

It the kind of plan an Enron accountant could love.

Now this.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS WALKER IN COURT
Moved: 1/24/2002 9:37
CBS-WALKER IN COURT 1/24/02

He loves America. This is DR...

John Walker Lindh made his first court appearance today with his parents saying they stand behind him. 

He is charged with conspiring to kill Americans as a member of the Taliban. 

But his father says he is innocent; that he loves America, and that and never tried to kill American soldiers. 

His mother says her love for him is "unconditional."

His lawyer says - stay tuned for the trial, it'll be a good one.

And indeed it will. Because if the parents are right, and their son grew up loving America -- then something very strange happened to him at that Islamic school he attended in Pakistan. Less than two months after leaving it, this boy who loved America was fighting for al-Quaida.

I, for one, would like to know why.

If Walker was already disenchanted, and was simply looking for a way to express his digust, then the Madrassa was simply his outlet. 

But his parents clearly think that something happened to him after he left the country -- 

And if his parents are right, and he grew up loving America, we need to know how easy it is to change a mind so completely.

Whether he actually tried to kill Americans or not, he was by his own admission living and training with people whose intent was to do just that.

There are some observers who feel that the anti-Americanism which seethes around the world is a Muslim phenomenon; that there is something about the way Islam is taught in fundamentalist Madrassas, like the one John Walker attended, that turns deeply religious people into deeply committed terrorists.

This trial may tell us whether that's true.

Let's hope it's not.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TYSON
Moved: 1/23/2002 8:46
CBS-TYSON 1/23/02

A real man. This is DR.

It was Mike Tyson versus Lennox Lewis -- not in a boxing match -- but at a news conference in New York.

Tyson charged heavyweight champ Lewis at a news conference to announce their April 6th bout.

Tyson says he thought he was following the script which called for the two fighters to come face to face for the cameras. He says Lewis's bodyguard overreacted Some commentators think the whole thing was staged, and Tyson was purposely trying to disqualify himself from a fight he knows he'll lose.

I have no idea. 

What I noticed in the story was this part -- I quote from the AP dispatch:

"Tyson then strode to the front of the stage, threw his arms into the air in a triumphant stance and made an obscene gesture. 

Someone in the audience shouted, ``Put him in a straitjacket!'' 

The former undisputed heavyweight champion screamed an obscenity and said, ``You're scared of a real man.'' (UNQUOTE)

You see the problem with this statement: This statement implies that Tyson IS a real man. I don't think so. Not in the sense HE means anyway.

Maybe once upon a time he was up for that title. But we all know who the real men and women are in America today -- they are firefighters who run toward the flames, airline passengers who tackle a guy lighting a fuse, soldiers who go from cave to cave.

They're ordinary, non-famous people who do heroic things.

A guy like Mike Tyson has a lot of nerve to claim the title of "Real Man."

Based on his rap sheet I have to assume he probably has the proper genitals, but it doesn't seem they've done the job. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BUSH ENRON
Moved: 1/23/2002 8:46
CBS-BUSH-ENRON 1/23/2002

"And that's wrong." This is DR....

One of the things George W Bush is good at is defining evil. That's why he's been so effective at mobilizing public opinion.

And now he has found another evil. During a speech at a West Virginia factory, he pointed out that a member of his own family was an Enron victim. His mother in law -- who bought stock last summer. Stock that is now worthless. 

"If she had known all the facts," he said, "I don't know what decision would have been made, but she didn't know all the facts. And a lot of shareholders didn't know all the facts. And that's wrong." (UNQUOTE)

And That's Wrong.

Indeed it is, Mr. President.

And now we all wait to see what the next step is.

If it's wrong to hide the facts from a casual investor, how much worse is it to hide the facts from employees who in some cases were urged to stake their retirements on company stock?

There will be changes in accounting procedures, maybe jail time for some executives. And lots of lawsuits. But how does any of that help a retired worker who started a 401K just as the government, his company, and every financial planner has urged him too, only to find at the end of his career that it's gone?

Is that really what capitalism is about?

I can't tell what the president is thinking about that. But I do know that when people overseas are suffering through no fault of their own, our government sends money. 

Yet here at home the message is: you can work hard for 30 years, but if your company tricks you out of your retirement -- go sue. Now is that right, or is that wrong?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ENRON BUSH
Moved: 1/22/2002 8:42
CBS-ENRON-BUSH 1/21/02

A fishing expedition. This is DR...

A CBS News Poll has found that, despite the President's sky-high approval rating,
63 percent believe the Bush administration isn't telling everything it knows about the relationship between the administration and Enron.

The main problem is that the Vice President still won't talk about his closed-door meetings with Enron officials -- back when they were discussing energy policy.

I can't figure out is what is so SACRED about those closed door meetings -- now that Enron has declared bankruptcy.

Was there a frank discussion of some business secret which might hurt Enron profits if revealed? Well, you can't hurt Enron's profits anymore, because there ARE no profits.

Maybe it's that no businessman would ever again speak honestly to the vice president. But the more we learn, the more difficult it is to put the words "honesty" and "Enron" in the same sentence.

So what's left? Only to conclude that this has nothing to do with protecting Enron, but with protecting the administration.

The thing is, there's probably nothing there! Do we really think they'd let their Enron buddies manipulate national policy? Maybe some of you, but NOT ME!

So open the books.

Because they will be opened eventually. The Republicans in the House were pretty tough on Clinton over scandals that had a lot less impact than this. They have no choice. When you spend millions to investigate a bankrupt Arkansas trailer park, you can't exactly turn away from the biggest bankruptcy in US history.

The Bush people dismiss this as a "fishing expedition." But you know -- they've provided the hook.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BLACK HAWK DOWN
Moved: 1/22/2002 8:41
CBS-BLACK HAWK DOWN

Back to Somalia? This is DR.

I went to see Black Hawk Down over the weekend. Now there's an intense two and a half hours. 

It's the story of the battle of Mogadishu in 1993 -- when warlords stole the food aid intended for starving Somalians, and the Clinton Administration decided enough was enough. They decided to send troops into the warlords stronghold, to kidnap the leaders, and break their power. It was supposed to be a lightning strike, in and out.

What they got instead was an ambush. They were ambushed by an entire city. 19 Americans dead, about 1000 Somalis dead. Even women carrying babies fired on the Americans.

I've heard speculation that this movie would help create enthusiasm for going back to Somalia to rout any al-Qaida cells, and for payback.

I don't think so.

I came out thinking three things -- number one, I hope I never have to be a hero, because I don't think I could deal with the memories.

Number two, when there's a real war going on, you want your own people to be in charge, you don't want to be part of a United Nations force where some other general can give you static.

And number three -- there's no point in helping a city that doesn't want your help.

We could have won if we wanted to. We killed a thousand Somalis. We could have leveled the militia strong hold if we'd wanted to.

But why? Absent a direct threat to the US, there was no national stomach for it.

The lesson of the movie doesn't so much apply to Somalia anymore as to Afghanistan. We are now embarked on a process of nation building. So far, they love us -- but if they turn... will we really want to stay there?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TAX CODE
Moved: 1/22/2002 8:41
CBS-TAX CODE 1/22/02

Too confused to pay. This is DR...

According to a report from the IRS's own Taxpayer Advocate Service, the U.S. tax code is now so complex that many Americans can't fill out their forms accurately. It's so bad, they can't even report their family status and the number of dependents they have.

You would think that reporting the number of children would be a no-brainer. But as Taxpayer Advocate Nina Olson pointed out in her report, that there are three different definitions of what constitutes a "qualifying child" under the law.

In other words, that person who you've been taking care of and who you THINK is your child, may NOT in fact BE your child under the tax code. He may just be a person who happens to be hanging around the house and using a bedroom.

Then there's the alternative minimum tax, which is like a completely separate tax system. Originally it was designed to make sure that the rich paid their share and didn't get away with all sorts of unfair deductions. But now, in some cases, the definition of "rich" can include people who earn as little as $50,000.

Most of the time, taxpayers don't actually owe anything under this tax, but it can take 12 hours of calculation to find OUT that you don't owe anything. Which I believe, if Amnesty International found out about it, would be labeled as a form of torture.

This, says the Taxpayer Advocate, is why people make so many mistakes filing taxes.

So I just want to say, thank you Taxpayer Advocate. I know you may not be able to get any of this changed, but it's nice to know that IRS now has someone on-staff who is paid to feel our pain.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BLANKS ENRON
Moved: 1/22/2002 8:41
CBS-BLANKS-ENRON

Fill in the Blanks. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Here it is, Fill In The Blanks, where I read a story that you've heard way too many times, and you get the chance to play along at home by simply filling in the ... BLANKS.

Today's subject, Energy.

Every day for the last month about an energy company called ...ENRON.

Enron is an example of a company that gave a lot of money to POLITICIANS strictly out of GENEROSITY, and in return, expected ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

And sure enough, when it came to regulating Enron, politicians did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

As a result, the company set up many creative, sophisticated ...TRANSACTIONS which complied with every law, except for the law of ...ADDITION. Many of these transactions were conducted OFFSHORE, in countries that have DIFFERENT LAWS OF ADDITION.

But it was ok, because these transactions were carefully checked by highly-trained ...ACCOUNTANTS who checked and rechecked the figures to make absolutely sure that they were completely ...SHREDDED.

It all worked very well, until the company made the mistake of hiring a couple of people who actually ...KNEW HOW TO ADD.

As a result a high company executive quit, explaining to everybody that nothing was wrong, it's just that ... HE HAD TO GET INTO A BALLOON AND TAKE DOROTHY TO KANSAS.

Correct.

Other executives did the responsible thing, which was to immediately ...SELL THEIR STOCK. And then to write memos urging employees to ...KEEP THEIR STOCK.

As a result, some Enron employees will spend their retirement years in ...CULVERTS.

Some people might consider this UNFAIR. But on Wall Street it's called ...TOUGH LOVE. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ENRON SONG
Moved: 1/18/2002 7:50
CBS-ENRON SONG 1/14/2002

The Enron investigation begins. This is DR.

But before we get involved in the minutiae of accounting practices, let's sing the company song:

ENRON.SNG 01/13/02 8:06 PMDLR 0:35

(Da Doo Ron Ron  Crystals / Ronettes)

We saw the stock rising and our hearts stood still

Go Enron ron ron, go Enron ron!

Everyone's retirement accounts were filled 

With Enron ron ron, with Enron ron!

Yes, we loved you Ken

We were sohappy then!

Everyone in California had to write a check

To Enron ron ron, to Enron ron!

The accountants said that everything was AOK

At Enron ron ron at Enron ron

Now the moving vans are taking all the desks away 

From Enron ron ron from Enron ron

We lost almost every cent

Except for the management!

And when they try to find the evidence I think they'll see

It's all gone gone gone from Enron ron

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Enron-Ron-Ron
Time: 73s
Out-cue: ]

~C:\works\files\ENRON.SNG 
Index 

CBS ENRON6
Moved: 1/18/2002 7:50
CBS-ENRON6 1/14/2002

Could it be the executives aren't the ONLY ones responsible? This is DR...

The Enron story so far leaves the impression that the Excutives are solely to blame.

When I asked attorney Eli Gottesdiener, who has filed suit on behalf of burned shareholders, about the possibility of a criminal charge against Enron Executives:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>En-Eli1
Time: 2s
Title: Eli Gottesdinener
In-cue: Criminal charGES
Out-cue: be appropriate]

And of course -- you have the accountants, who clearly aren't the watchdogs we think they are... but what about the lower level employees?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>En-Lynn1
Time: 6s
Title: Lynn
In-cue: I took a severance
Out-cue: Fraud]

I got a call from this former Enron employee, who identifed herself as LYNN and said a lot of lower-level people -- including her -- knew something wrong was going on -- and kept quiet about it, because as long as they kept quiet, they were rich.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>En-Lynn2
Time: 26s
Title: Lynn2
In-cue: Because
Out-cue: Absolutely]

We think of corporate responsibility as belonging only to the executives. But a corporation comprises thousands of employees -- and part of Enron's genius was not only in creating value out of nothing, but in finding a way to silence so many people who KNEW the truth.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS POTTER SAT
Moved: 1/18/2002 7:48
POTTER2.CBS 01/16/02 4:37 PMDLR 1:20 

What's wrong with the children of America? This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Something has happened to our young children. There's all this great TV on, survival shows, Peeping Tom shows, new shows where the contestants are actually TORTURED, and for some reason, they insist on READING!

Thousands of kids coast to coast reading Harry Potter! Even though they could just go see the movie, still they READ.

Reading is cool again. Even though there's a web to surf, malls to hang out at, dangerous intersections to skateboard in, kids are reading a book with real pages. HUNDREDS of real pages.

With Harry Potter fans, the longer the better. They read the same book seven and eight times. The read the new book while they wait in line to pay for it.

This is sick! How can we protect our kids from TV if they aren't watching it? 

Whatever happened to the short attention span? Schools have spent millions on the latest multimedia equipment thinking kids were bored by books. But now it turns out all they wanted was an INTERESTING one.

It's no surprise some parents have tried to get it banned.

(OMINOUS) Because you KNOW this is a gateway book. Once a child experiences the pleasure of getting lost in a story he'll want more. Desperate children will squander their allowance money on Kafka and Dickens, sneak out of the house to spend hours at the public library reading Proust  "just one more chapter Mom, just one more chapter!" Parents in tears: "Why can't you watch Scooby Doo like a NORMAL child?" 

Now this.

~C:\WORKS\FILES\POTTER.CBS 
Index 

CBS ENRON E MAIL
Moved: 1/18/2002 7:48
CBS-ENRON E-MAIL 1/18/02

Fomenting fear. This is DR.

Columnist George Will writes that some in Congress will recklessly use the failure of one company, Enron, to foment general fear of the stock market -- implying that such fears would be misplaced.

Well, let me read you a couple of e-mails I received from accountants.

Dear Dave:

In defense of the accounting industry, it is very difficult, if not
impossible to detect a well planned fraud by high level management. 

Signed -- A former Big Five accounting firm employee.

Dear Dave: Auditors are not hired to catch fraud. They are there to make sure the company has followed an arcane set of accounting principles in preparing their financial statements. 

-- That from a former investment banker.

In other words, the popular definition of "audit" is NOT the Wall Street definition.

George Will says the "mismanagement of one company" should not be used to foment general fear of equities markets.

But the fear won't have to be fomented, it will arise of its own -- as investors realize that the rules governing audits on Wall Street are not designed to stop Enronism. And even worse, the Wall Street CULTURE is not designed to stop Enronism. 

Look at the stories: how many highly-educated people, both accountants and lawyers, signed off on deals so slimy they left puddles? Everybody just stepped around them! Until one vice president could take it no more -- and wrote that anonymous memo.

Too late, though, for the people who will now have to sue to for their retirements.

I suppose those facts foment fear, but it's because you'd be hard-pressed to use them to foment confidence.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ENRON11
Moved: 1/18/2002 7:48
CBS-ENRON11 1/18/2002

They did nothing! This is DR...

Reporters have been all over the campaign finance reports, looking for some politician to tie to the Enron debacle -- trouble is, EVERYBODY got money!

Not just Enron money, but Arthur Anderson money.

And not just the President, but the chairs of influential committees. The Center for Responsive Politics said Arthur Anderson was particularly generous to members of the House Energy and Commerce Committee, and to members of the Senate Banking Committee -- Democrats AND Republicans. The generosity was not circumscribed by party affiliation.

Coincidentally, much of the money was donated at a time when those two committees busy killing a new regulation that would have restricted auditors from selling consulting services to their clients, which is of course exactly what happened in the Enron case.

But that's hardly a smoking gun. In the end, even with all that money, what basically happened was ... nothing.

I got a letter from a listener who is tired of hearing reporters imply that the President did something in return for Enron contributions.

"When you consider that both the President and the vice president are former oil men, and that the Republicans have received such large contributions from Enron, it is remarkable how little the Bush Administration did to bail out Enron."

And he has a point. In fact, if you ask politicians what they do in exchange for campaign contributions they all say they do NOTHING in exchange for campaign contributions. The thing is that -- sometimes, that's exactly what the donor was hoping for.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS BAGGAGE
Moved: 1/18/2002 7:47
CBS-BAGGAGE 1/18/02

Patience is patriotism. This is DR.

The latest baggage screening rules take effect today: now all baggage must be matched with passengers.

And yet what do I keep hearing? I keep hearing security experts saying this will change nothing. This will NOT enhance security. This is just to make people feel good. To which I say -- what's wrong with that?

Personally, whether it helps security or not, I'd say its about TIME the airlines were forced to insure my baggage travels with me. Because the times it hasn't traveled with me, I've had to wear the same shirt for three days.

The other aspect of this is -- why do we do all this public evaluation of each new security move? I suppose I'm as bad as anyone, so I include myself in this rant -- why do we instantly look for the shortcomings in every new measure. How many times have you heard someone say -- "well, if they want to commit suicide, making sure the bag travels with them won't change anything. 

DO we need to hear that? I think we've pretty much figured that that out. We'd like to forget it. Then I hear someone point out that the bags are only matched on the FIRST leg of a flight. Who is this helping? 

I ALSO keep hearing again and again that it'll be years before there are enough machines to actually scan every bag for explosives. This AMAZES me. 

The government is doing SUCH an excellent job of keeping Dick Cheney's contacts with Enron secret -- yet it can't wait to reveal just how inadequate airport security is. Look -- take some plywood, slap together a bunch of machines that LOOK like bomb detectors, and let everyone see you wheeling them into the airports.

Then we should all shut up.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS McCAIN1
Moved: 1/18/2002 7:46
CBS-McCAIN1 1/17/2002

Is it finally time for campaign finance reform? This is DR...

There's a lot of blame to go around in the Enron case, but Senator John McCain says there's one clear action you can take to prevent another one, and that's campaign finance reform.

Of course, even the Senator himself got Enron money:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>mccain1
Time: 22s
Title: mccain1
In-cue: The system
Out-cue: of government]

He calls it outrageous that top executives cashed in while some retirees were left penniless:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>mccain2
Time: 20s
Title: mccain2
Out-cue: WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT?]

He wants to know if those analysts who tout stocks on the cable channels cash in on their advice. Because if this is what deregulation means, says Senator McCain, then it's gone too far:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>mccain3
Time: 13s
Title: mccain3
Out-cue: than good government]

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ENRON10
Moved: 1/18/2002 7:46
CBS-ENRON10 1/17/02

Intelligent gambling. This is DR...

It turns out that back in February, Arthur Andersen accounting executives met to discuss the Enron account, and they were a little worried.

On the one hand, they stood to make 100 million dollars a year by sticking with Enron. On the other hand, some of the transactions they were documenting amounted to what the memo called "intelligent gambling."

Andersen apparently concluded that "intelligent gambling" was OK, because it decided to keep the account. But Enron was pretty much a Casino. Wait -- what am I saying? Casinos pay taxes! Enron got refunds! 

The Securities and Exchange Commission, which referees Wall Street, has a new plan for the accountants to police themselves -- hey remind us to send a thank you note once we've retired to the rusted RV.

And the Big Five accounting firms have issued a statement promising to hold themselves to a higher standard in the future. Let's see, so instead of all those numbers, they'll just put little cherries and lemons in the balance sheet?

No, you need a more radical change. 

This is in line with my earlier suggestion that baggage screeners be required to fly from time to time with the passengers they've just screened.

Accounting firms should never be paid in cash. They should be paid only in the form of stock in the companies they audit -- shares that would be awarded upon release of the audit report, and which they would have to hold at least ONE year before they could cash them in.

A little severe, I know. But it might make the gambling a little more intelligent.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS JOHN WALKER
Moved: 1/16/2002 8:45
CBS-JOHN WALKER 1/16/2002

John Walker, indicted. This is DR.

The Justice Department has charged John Walker, the young man who left California and joined the Taliban, with conspiracy to kill US citizens.

The criminal complaint against him is pretty damning... but if you read the document, you realize that the indictment goes beyond John Walker.

Listen to the time line: 

In May 2001 he was recruited from the school he was attending in Pakistan to train for the fight in Kashmir. His recruiters KNEW he was American, but said he could get by -- by claiming to be Irish.

In June 2001, Walker's trainers gave him the option of going to Afghanistan to fight with the Taliban, and he went to Kabul. The Taliban knew he was an American -- but they didn't deport him. They sent him to join al-Qaida -- where got seven weeks of ADDITIONAL training, including pep talks from Osama himself.

And then comes THIS part of the story: "Within the first several weeks of his arrival ... Walker learned from one of his instructors that Bin Laden had sent people to the United States to carry out several suicide operations." He was even asked if he wanted to join them.

This kid from California, less than two months after leaving his school in Pakistan, was within a few questions of learning possibly the most important piece of intelligence in US history.

Had he been a CIA agent, he'd have left a coded message behind a rock somewhere. But he was not a CIA agent. The CIA's billions were apparently powerless to do what John Walker was able to do with nothing more than airfare -- infiltrate the enemy camp, learn its secrets, and come within striking distance of its leaders.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ENRON9
Moved: 1/16/2002 8:45
CBS-ENRON9 1/16/2002

It just gets worse and worse. This is DR...

Well now it turns out that Arthur Andersen's people weren't just routinely shredding those Enron documents. The company now says there was a EXPEDITED EFORT to delete thousands of e-mails, and shred large numbers of paper documents.

And they blame David Duncan, who headed the Enron account for Arthur Anderson, and who was fired over the phone Tuesday.

An unceremonious ending to a career that once included relaxing afternoons on the links with golf partner Richard Causey, Enron's Chief accounting officer.

The hearings will try to fix blame -- but if I were somebody who'd lost my retirement fund in this debacle, you know what I'd want? My retirement back.

Is this just one of the risks of capitalism, or does the government have some responsibility here?

It's our government that created the 401K plan -- and encouraged us to depend opn it. Yet now that same government so loosely regulates stocks that you can't be sure they'll be anything IN the plan when you need it.

Everybody knows there's risk in the stock market, and everybody who invests has to accept some of it.

But if the acceptable risks include FRAUD, and if the government has no responsibility to protect your retirement account when it happens, why HAVE a government? To bomb countries overseas while here at home your money disappears without a trace?

If they're not going to protect us, then at least stamp a warning on all stocks: "Warning: Company May Be A Complete Fabrication. Warning: Independent Auditors May Play Golf with The People They Audit.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS BROWNE
Moved: 1/16/2002 8:45
CBS-BROWNE 1/15/2002

Where's the victory? This is DR...

The consensus seems to be that we've won the war in Afghanistan. But Harry Browne, who ran twice for President as the Libertarian, is one of the few voices publicly asking "WHAT have we won?"

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Brown2
Time: 25s
Title: Brown2
Out-cue: bombing the united states]

A rhetorical question of course. But his point is that we have now dropped everything on Afghanistan except bags of killer pretzels, and Osama remains at large. The attacks of September 11th, he says, should have been treated as crimes:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Brown4
Time: 28s
Title: Brown4
Out-cue: doing it again]

Harry Browne, former Libertarian candidate for President. By the way, the CIA has now concluded that Osama fled the region... in December.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ENRON7
Moved: 1/16/2002 8:45
CBS-ENRON7 1/15/2002

IN SEARCH OF THE RED FLAG. This is DR...

The worst aspect of the Enron collapse is that small investors had no clue of the shenanigans going on -- and by the time they did, it was already KABOOM.

The executives, on the other hand, seemed to be clairvoyant - cashing in over a BILLION dollars in stock.

Are there any red flags for ordinary investors? Any special research that ordinary investors could do that might warn them WHICH companies are likely to tank next? A closer reading of the independent audits perhaps? Ha!

Let me suggest something else. It's no secret that Enron executives were some of the most generous political donors on the planet. 

Now why would executives lavish so much money on politicians? Could it be the amount they contribute is in direct proportion to how insecure their company is? Could it be that in the back their minds they're thinking that someday they may need to place that special call and insure that it's answered? Like the calls that Enron Executive Kenneth Lay placed to both the Treasury Secretary and the Commerce Secretary?

And why would an executive be thinking he might need to place that special call? One reason could be that he knew some of dark and scary problem that only the government could help with.

Therefore, savvy investors might want to search the campaign disclosure records and avoid companies whose executives who have given large amounts of money to political campaigns. Because it may mean they have the kind of problem that might one day require government intervention. And a company with that kind of problem is not a company you want to be basing your retirement on.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ENRON
Moved: 1/10/2002 12:25
CBS-ENRON 1/10/2002

Covering your assets. This is DR...

The Enron case is going to tell us whether, under the American system of capitalism, it's OK for ordinary shareholders to get screwed, while the people who screwed them walk away with fortunes.

The Justice Department is now starting a criminal investigation, which could be a healthy deterrent to executives who don't customarily factor jail time into their business plans.

But the other important part is the money.

According to one lawsuit, Enron executives, sold $1.1 billion dollars worth of that stock in the three years before the company went under, when they knew the stock was overvalued. 

Among them -- Kenneth Lay: Chairman, CEO, and Friend of George -- who came away with 16.1 million by selling stock during the first nine months of 2001.

The executives' lawyers say the government has NO authority freeze that money.

Now, when a real estate agent sells a house, most states requires that ANY KNOWN PROBLEMS with that house be disclosed. The agent must offer the information, not expect the buyer to discover it.

So tell me -- why should stocks be any different?

Why should somebody who knowingly dumps defective shares on trusting investors -- get to keep those proceeds?

For now, the federal judge has decided to let those executives keep control of their money. However, she implied that if any of them start shifting it overseas, she MIGHT change her mind. Hmmm.

Those Enron executives are lucky they're all good, law-abiding citizens. Had they been caught with marijuana, their assets could have been seized in a heartbeat.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CASTRO
Moved: 1/10/2002 12:25
CBS-CASTRO

Did you hear about the strange little meeting that seix members of confress had with Castrop ion Hacava 
Index 

CBS SECURITY2
Moved: 1/10/2002 5:53
CBS-SECURITY2 01/09/2002

Recognizing good news when you see it. This is DR...

Airport security is in the news again today -- but have you noticed something about the security stories lately? 

We're no longer hearing stories about the stuff that the screeners DON'T catch, but rather the stuff that they DO catch.

The latest checkpoint treasure was in the carry-on luggage of Steven Paul Johnson, age 20, who had four pocket knives, a box cutter, two road flares, ammunition, and a bottle of lighter fluid with him at Chicago's Midway Airport.

His parents said their son wouldn't hurt anyone, and Johnson said he
was, in fact, planning to check the bag -- but wanted to get some coffee first at the snack bar just beyond the checkpoint.

We have NO indication that keeping him off the plane avoided some sort of incident -- but the point is, someone was paying attention.

And then there's the story about the passenger who raised a ruckus on a Southwest Airlines jet.

The FBI says David Boone, perhaps with the help of some previously-consumed alcoholic beverages, announced to a fellow passenger that everyone on the plane was ``doomed'', and as the plane was pulling away from the gate, started waving a shoe, leapt over a a row of seats and headed for the rear emergency door.

When a flight attendant tried to stop him, he decked her, and opened the door.

But here's the part of the story that got my attention:

Boone surrendered when two male passengers moved to subdue him. He was 6-2, 210 pounds, but apparently no match for America's volunteer air marshals. 

As for the shoe -- no security breach there -- it was just a piece of footwear.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS HOCKEY TRIAL
Moved: 1/10/2002 5:52
CBS-HOCKEY TRIAL 01/09/2002

Fighting fair. This is DR...

The testimony in the manslaughter trial of hockey dad Thomas Junta has painted an ugly scene.

Junta was upset that his son's hockey practice was getting too rough. He demanded that the man in charge of the practice, Michael Costin, do something.

The two came to blows. The defense says Costin struck first, but its clear that whoever struck first, Junta struck harder.

And there's no question that at 2-70, Junta outweighed Costin by more than 100 pounds.

Question: should a big guy EVER allow himself to get into a fight with a little guy?

I put out an APB for big guys who've been involved in fights, and asked them:

There was Rick:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>big1
Time: 2s
Title: Caller1
In-cue: The only time
Out-cue: Threatening my family]

There was Bob:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>big2
Time: 12s
Title: Caller2 Bob
In-cue: You know I've
Out-cue: pick the fight in the first place]

A little guy once picked a fight with him... but Bob knew when to stop:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>big3
Time: 3s
Title: Caller2 (BOB)
In-cue: At the time it was easy
Out-cue: guy was knocked out]

And there was David:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>big5
Time: 6s
Title: Caller 3 (David)
In-cue: When the guy hit me
Out-cue: aggressor]

But none of the men who called would justify what Junta did. His only support came ... from a woman, who said she understood completely the instinct to protect his child from what he saw happening on the rink.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>big6
Time: 6s
Title: Caller4 (Candy)
In-cue: If my child was under attack..
Out-cue: Nature of parenting]

Now this:

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS SECURITY
Moved: 1/8/2002 8:47
CBS-SECURITY 01/08/2002

Drop 'em, mister. This is DR...

At Reagan National Airport Saturday, Michigan Democrat John Dingell was forced to strip to his underwear before boarding a flight to Detroit -- because screeners didn't believe him when he explained he had a metal hip.

First they made him remove his overcoat -- alarm still went off; then his suit coat -- still went off; then his shoes and socks. Didn't help. So finally they took him to a back room where he removed his trousers. "They felt me up and down like a prize steer" he said. But finally, they were convinced. If he had a gun in there, it would take surgery to fire it.

Congressmen Dingle asked the Transportation Secretary to look into this... And Secretary Mineta -- has already said he's (QUOTE) troubled by the incident.

TROUBLED? Why troubled? The screeners should get a Congressional medal of honor.

Congressman Dingell wants to know whether he was singled out. Right! The new terrorist profile is now "75 year old white guys."

Does anyone remember when the problem with airport security was that the screeners were too lax? Knives, bombs, guns -- they'd roll right through while the screeners watched sitcoms.

Well now -- in four short months -- they're so tough that a 75 year old Congressman can't even get his metal HIP through without scrutiny. That's strikes me as a GOOD thing!

It's undignified -- but a lot of us have gotten wanded in our private areas, and accepted it as our patriotic duty.

PLUS, maybe it's good for a member of Congress to be reminded from time to time that, without his pants -- he's just like any other American.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS POLLUTION
Moved: 1/8/2002 8:47
CBS-POLLUTION 1/08/2002

Is the air clean enough? This is DR...

Right now the rule on power plants is that if you upgrade your plant, you must also upgrade your pollution equipment. The trouble is that upgrading pollution equipment is VERY expensive. BILLIONS of dollars. So power companies do all they can to put off upgrading their plants - even if it would make them more efficient in the long run.

Federal regulators have now floated a trial balloon in today's papers. They've let it slip that a proposal is in the works to relax this rule.

The discussion will involve a lot of tedious analysis about how to define routine maintenance, and if it should be different for power plants as opposed to refineries, etc etc...

The discussion will get so complicated nobody but the lobbyists will be able to understand it.

But I don't see why this has to be complicated at all. We're talking about the air here.

If energy executives are going to argue that pollution controls cost too much, then they should have to answer one simple question: How close do you live to your biggest plant? And if the answer is, not very close, then before Congress hears any of their testimony, those executives should have to move themselves and their families one mile downwind of their biggest coal-burning plant.

And once they've done that, it's time for the second simple question: will the air be cleaner, or dirtier if this rule is changed. If the answer is "cleaner", then change the rule. If the answer is dirtier, do not change the rule.

Some things in life are basic. Breathing is one of them. 
Index 

CBS YATES
Moved: 1/7/2002 8:59
CBS-YATES 01/07/2002

Is there a point. This is DR...

Jury selection is beginning in the trial of Andrea Yates for the murder of her children. And I find myself asking a question I know I shouldn't be asking, but it's there anyway.

What is the point? 

What is the point of this trial?

I understand that we have to have one, because that's what the law says, and we have to follow the law -- but the question still stands: what's the point?

Is it because she's innocent until proven guilty? Well, on paper, yes, but in reality, everyone knows she's guilty. She knows she did it, her lawyer knows she did it, her HUSBAND knows she did it, and no matter who is picked for the jury, THEY'LL know she did it.

There's no controversy over sloppy police work, or profiling, or circumstantial evidence.

Is the purpose to teach society a lesson? To send the message that drowning your kids is wrong? 

But we know that already! EVERYBODY understands it's wrong to drown your kids; and those who don't are probably insane and beyond instruction.

So we're left with the doctors. It appears that the defense will put Andrea Yates DOCTORS on trial -- arguing that they should have known; should have done more.

But if THAT's the message that goes out, what doctor will ever again want to treat a case of post-partum psychosis?

Juries are designed to figure out whether there was a crime, and whether the person at the defense table was the one who did it.

But THIS jury already knows that. What THEY'RE being asked to do is figure out what was going on in Andrea Yates mind. 

And no one knows that except Andrea Yates. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TAMPA
Moved: 1/7/2002 8:59
CBS-TAMPA 01/07/2002

"Osama" turns up in Tampa. This is DR...

Now we learn that 15 year old Charles Bishop wrote a suicide note before crashing his plane into a Tampa office building Saturday - and according to one report, even told friends to watch the news that night.

The complete psychological analysis isn't in yet, but Tampa Police Chief Bennie Holder says the suicide note was found in the wreckage, in a pocket, very short; handwritten.

It did not mention his family, it did not say farewell, it did not mention a desire to harm anyone.

What it did say was that he acted alone. And that he did what he did in support of ... Osama bin Laden.

There's no indication the link went any deeper than admiration, but that was aparently enough. The radar track shows the plane slammed into the Bank of America tower at full speed, and the Coast Guard helicopter pilot who got a look at him says he was in control all the way.

In the 12 minutes he was in the air, he also crossed into the military air space of MacDill air force base, and had a near miss with a 737.

I suppose in a country of 290 million people, it's not surprising that one suicidal young man would mention Osama. But it's not comforting either. I'm tempted to exclaim "what next" except that I'm afraid someone would answer.

You can bet security at small airports will now be stepped up; more plane owners will start using propeller chains and throttle locks.

But isn't it a strange world! To think that even as we try to track this elusive terrorist from cave to cave -- it turns out he's hiding in peoples' heads!

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS IN GOD MOTTO
Moved: 1/4/2002 8:53
CBS-IN GOD MOTTO 1/04/2001

Divine trust. This is DR...

The state of Michigan has a new law that strongly encourages state and local government offices to display the motto "In God We Trust." And in support of the new law, the American Family Association of Michigan will donate 1200 framed copies of the motto for classrooms.

But here's the part of the story that caught my eye: the head of the family association said the motto was important ESPECIALLY at a time when this country's values are "under attack from abroad."

"Under attack from abroad."

I think I know what he's referring to. He's referring to terrorists.

He's promoting the idea that In God We Trust might somehow be a talisman against them.

And if these were godless terrorists, I'd agree with him. But what is the ONE thing we know about these terrorists? Right! In GOD They Trust. Their leader says so again and again. Wen they say they'll DIE for him, they really MEAN it.

That's why I can't help but wonder -- will a terrorist seeing the words "In God We Trust," be deterred, or encouraged?

The record so far is not good. In God We Trust has been on our money since Abraham Lincoln put it there in 1864, on every bill and coin, which means it was on the money that bought the flight lessons and those one-way airplane tickets.

Osama himself grew up in Saudi Arabia, a state run based on what? The law of God! In Saudi Arabia God doesn't get just a motto, He gets an entire STATE!

So I have no trouble with displaying the Motto, but if you're expecting it to have some protective effect -- you'd better specify WHICH God.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS MUSLIMS
Moved: 1/4/2002 8:53
CBS-MUSLIMS 01/03/02

Saving Islam. This is DR...

Journalist Mona Eltahawy is the latest to encourage Muslims to examine what has happened to their faith. Writing in the Washington Post, she is asking liberal, moderate, and progressive Muslims to speak out. It's no longer enough for clerics to issue platitudes about how Islam means peace and surrender. We must look inward, she writes, and and ask ourselves what in Islam, the way it is practiced today, allowed bin Laden to promote his murderous message.

Her column does not provide an answer. But I will. I'll tell you what Muslims can do. They can demand that anything called a "Muslim State" be disbanded. They should demand that all clerics who have state power be stripped of it.

There is nothing that kills the soul of a religion faster than giving it an army.

I'm a member of a religion that's been through this.

I'm a Roman Catholic. A religion that began humbly, and grew to have the power of a state. And Catholics who study that part of church history look at the crusades, the executions, the selling of indulgences, and they understand why it's best to confine the Church's temporal power to Vatican City.

Now look at Islam.

-- All those Islamic states doing all the unseemly things that states have to do -- from war to sewage disposal -- in the name of God.

Pretty soon, God is reduced to a bureaucracy -- but a bureaucracy with one important difference. By definition, it can never be wrong.

So that's the problem -- reducing God to just another administrator. Good luck changing it. Because states never disband themselves.

Other states have to do it for them.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MICROSOFT DIVIDEND
Moved: 1/4/2002 8:53
CBS-MICROSOFT INVEST 01/02/2002

What exactly do you own? This is DR...

In response to the suggestions of analysts and some shareholders, Microsoft executives recently stated once again that the corporation, which has never paid dividends, doesn't intend to start any time soon.

Not that it doesn't have the money. Microsoft has more money in the bank than any other American corporation -- 36 BILLION dollars. 

No, the reason that Microsoft executives have decided not to pay a dividend -- not now, and maybe not EVER -- is because this would put it in league with STODGY companies like GE that do pay dividends.

See, this is the one part about the stock market I don't understand.

I always thought that the purpose of owning stock was to be a part OWNER And the reason you want to be an owner, as opposed to a mere employee -- is that the owners get the profits.

What Microsoft is saying to its stockholders is that the reason you're an owner ... is the sheer pleasure of ownership, and, of course, the possibility of selling out at a profit to someone else who wants a similarly PLATONIC ownership experience.

Which means -- it's a little like owning shares of the Moon. There's a lot there but you can't touch it, so it's worth money only so long as there are people who want to own the Moon. Of course the value of the Moon didn't jump 40% last year the way Microsoft stock did, because, happily for Microsoft investors, there seem to be a lot more people who want to own Microsoft -- even without dividends. Maybe they don't know. In which case, forget I said anything. 

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS SECRET SERVICE
Moved: 1/4/2002 8:53
CBS-SECRET SERVICE 1/4/2002
Are some people more special than others. This is DR...
Lawyers for the Arab-American Secret Service who was kept off a plane on Christmas Day have NOW accused American Airlines of racial discrimination.
Here is what happened: The agent, carrying his gun, was on his way to protect President Bush on his Texas ranch.
His plane was emptied for a security re-check. A flight attendant noticed a book in his empty seat with Arabic style print. It turned out to be a plain old history book, but she also thought the passenger was acting nervous, and mentioned this to the pilot. The pilot decided to check out the passenger's paperwork -- allowing him to carry a firearm.
He also had the Airport police call the Secret Service to check out his credentials. But in the meantime, the forms came back incomplete, and the secret service agent, according to the pilot, lost patience, saying he had the powers of the White House behind him, and this would not be the end of the matter.
The pilot finally decided, enough.
Is this discrimination? Maybe. 
But I would ask the secret service agent this. If I was trying to get into a Presidential press conference -- completely UNARMED, and YOU were checking MY press credentials, and they were not 100% in order, would you let me through? If I started blustering about the power of the news media, would that help my case? 
The rule is: you can't bring a gun aboard without the proper forms. The rule is: the Captain is in charge of safety.
And to the President I would say -- Mr. President, you deserve excellent protection. But you know what? So do we!
Now this. 
Index 

CBS BUDDY
Moved: 1/3/2002 12:31
CBS-BUDDY 01/03/02

On this CBS Radio Network, this is Dave Ross. With a flashback from 1997, in fond memory of Buddy:

AV - 5337

Rest in peace ol' boy.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS SECURITY
Moved: 1/3/2002 12:31
CBS-SECURITY 01/03/02

Those lyin' eyes. This is DR...

We all know that when a certain part of the body needs additional energy, blood flow to that part of the body increases.

So researchers at the Mayo Clinic set up an experiment. Twenty volunteers, all army recruits, were randomly assigned to stab a mannequin, and steal $20 from it -- and then to steadfastly maintain their innocence. 

So the eight people selected as the criminals commit the crime, and then all twenty were asked the question "Did you steal the twenty dollars?" And as they answered, an advanced camera monitored blood flow to the face.

The eyes gave it away. 

In six of the eight guilty volunteers, blood flow increased around the eyes.

Only one of the 12 innocent volunteers betrayed increased blood flow. 

The developers say the method has excellent potential for airport screenings, because it's easy to learn and requires no physical contact.

Well yes, but what does that mean? After they check your ID, and go over you with the wand, they ask you to stab a mannequin and try to lie about it?

How much time is THAT going to take?

No, I think the gizmos themselves are less important than the STORIES about them. I mean, why do we X-ray luggage. Because we want to find bombs? No -- because we DON'T want to find bombs. It's deterrence. The BELIEF in X-rays is more important than the machine.

So we need more stories about blood flow cameras, minute eyebrow twitches, bad breath detectors -- and then, we install all these little blinking boxes with lenses at security checkpoints -- until pretty soon, the liars among us will decide its safer just to walk.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MOUSSAOUI
Moved: 1/2/2002 8:48
CBS-MOUSSAOUI 01/02/02

In the name of Allah. This is DR...

Zacarias Moussaoui (zuh-KAR'-ee-uhs moo-SOW'-ee) the first person to be indicted as an accomplice in the attacks of September 11th, has pleaded innocent.

Officially, anyway.

In fact, he didn't plead anything. What he said was ``In the name of Allah, I do not have anything to plead.'' 

And that statement got me thinking... not the plea, since there was no plea, but that he began his statement "In the name of Allah."

Now, I know that a lot of people have a problem with the idea of posting religious documents -- like the Ten Commandments -- in courtrooms, because they think that if you post the ten commandments, it sends a message that the state favors one religion over another. OK, fair enough.

But suppose the courtroom displays documents from the DEFENDANT'S professed religion. 

I'm thinking that as long as Mr. Moussaoui is going to live his life in the name of Allah, he ought to know what Allah has to say -- about things like taking innocent life. It's right there in the Koran:

QUOTE: If anyone slew a person -- unless it be for murder or for spreading mischief in the land -- it would be as if he slew the whole people. [Al-Maidah: 32]

QUOTE: O ye who believe! Stand out firmly for Allah, as witnesses to fair dealing, and let not the hatred of others to you make you swerve to wrong and depart from justice. [Al-Maidah: 8]

QUOTE: Do not transgress limits; for Allah loveth not transgressors. [Al-Baqarah: 190]

And my personal favorite:

QUOTE: To you be your Way, and to me mine. [A-Kafirun: 6]

I think those would be right at home on that courtroom wall.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS STOCKS
Moved: 1/2/2002 8:48
CBS-STOCKS 01/02/02

The worst is over. This is DR...

From time to time, I peruse the business pages of the newspaper. Most of the stories are pretty boring, but I do it because, like so many Americans, I have money in a 401K, and I feel I should at least make a token attempt to check for any signs that large chunks of that money may be about to disappear.

It NEVER works.

I always find out AFTER it disappears. Which leads me to wonder -- just exactly why DO newspapers cover stocks?

For example, we read that the Down was down 7.1% for the year and the Nasdaq was down 21.1%. THAT's the kind of thing you get from the business section -- numbers telling you what you SHOULD have done. Usually delivered about a day after you should have done it.

And why do they have analysts who talk about stock trends? Do you EVER get useful information from them?

For example -- we have a flurry of analysts now telling us the The Worst Is Over.

Here's one analyst quoted in the New York Times -- "At least for the first half of 2002, the economy will get better, and the stock market will get better." 

Better? What does that mean? Better than LOSING 22.1%? Well, THAT shouldn't be too difficult.

How about this -- just tell us where the next Enron is so we can avoid it. THERE's the kind of analysis we could use.

Otherwise, the daily headline in the business section should be, "Your Guess Is As Good As Ours."

Actually, that is the ONE useful feature -- those articles about Enron workers, and how the lost both their jobs AND their 401Ks. It reminds that as bad as YOUR stocks did, it could have been so much worse.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS COME TO KABUL
Moved: 1/1/2002 9:20
CBS-COME TO KABUL 01/01/2001

The nation-building begins. This is DR...

Afghanistan has a new interim government, with an interim president, and interim ministers -- but there is one interim minister who has a challenge far beyond what the others face. He is Abdul Rehman, the interim minister ... of tourism. Yes, the new Afghanistan has a new minister of tourism, and his job is to convince you to bring your camcorder and follow in the footsteps of Dan Rather, and Christane Amanpour on a vacation you'll never forget.

As Peter Foster writes in the Daily Telegraph of London, Afghanistan once had a lot to offer the tourist -- the huge Buddhas of Bamiyan, the ancient artifacts of the Kabul Museum, the great palace of Darulaman, picturesque walled castles, poplar groves, herds of sheep and goats...

All of that is, of course, gone now. The Buddhas blown to bits, the artifacts in the museum looted or destroyed, the palace just another pile of rubble, the groves sprouting nothing but mines, and the sheep and goats replaced by the occasional mangy dog.

Even the tourist office itself remains locked.

But minister Rehman has big plans -- beginning with the reopening of the airport next week.

It's not so crazy really -- a trip to Afghanistan. I'm sure the palaces and gardens were spectacular but frankly -- you can see those anywhere. You go to Europe and in about two days you have palace fatigue.

But desolation -- people will WANT to see those slides.

Keep in mind that the biggest tourist attraction in New York city -- is now a simple plywood platform with a view of a vacant lot.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS BANISHED WORDS
Moved: 1/1/2002 8:41
CBS-BANISHED WORDS 01/01/021

Banished words. This is DR...

The annual list of banished words is out, compiled by the language police at Lake Superior State University -- and at the top of the list this year is the term Nine-Eleven, to refer the the September attacks. 

To quote one person who agreed with the ban, ``I've never heard anybody refer to the attack on Pearl Harbor as Twelve-Seven.''

Good point.

Which brings me to the next point, and that is: phrases that are NOT on the list, but should be.

I would banish any story that begins with the phrase: "Credible reports suggest Mullah Omar may be in," followed by the name of some obscure Afghan city.

As far as I can tell, there are no credible reports of any kind about Mullah Omar. 

And how about this sentence: "terrorism experts say it would be easy to kill millions by simply etc etc..." I hate that. Did you hear about the computer discovered in Kabul -- the one apparently used to send memos to al Quaida leaders? It contained a memo scolding leaders because they failed to appreciate the potential of chemical weapons until articles in the Western press spelled out how easy they were to produce.

Which is why we should ALSO ban the following phrase "Airport security agents failed to detect..."

I would ban this phrase because it's usually followed by a description of the weapon they failed to the detect, and the name of the airport where they failed to detect it.

This type of information affects three groups of people: airport security officials, who already know about it; passengers, who can't do anything about it; and terrorists, who will clip the article to their next memo.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS KASHMIR
Moved: 12/31/2001 8:43
CBS-KASHMIR 12/31/01

Now there's ANOTHER fight to learn about. This is DR....

Over my Christmas vacation I read a book called Taliban -- and learned all about the Taliban. Only to get home and see that the next big fight is going to be over a place called Kashmir -- a mountainous region between India and Pakistan.

Since both are US allies, and we can't afford to have them lob nuclear devices at each other, our government will now have to involve itself in THIS controversy too. And what that means for you and me is that we now have yet ANOTHER obscure country to learn about.

Just as we've completed our education on the Taliban, it's been consigned to the dustbin of history as the President promised, and we will now have to immerse ourselves in Kashmir.

I won't lie to you -- what I know about Kashmir is that it's not a sweater -- beyond that, I can tell you nothing about its history, or why it might be worth the lobbing of nuclear weapons.

And I will dutifully search the web for information, and read the e-mails from people who grew up there, try to learn all the unfamiliar names - but I suspect there will be many familiar elements to the story, those being:

Religion, race, poverty, and a lot of people with guns looking for someone to blame for their lot in life.

And I'm guessing -- though as I say I don't know -- that certain leaders probably looked at the chaos and saw the opportunity to expand their power at the expense of OTHER rival leaders.

And I'm guessing further that at some point we as United States taxpayers will be told that if the world's only superpower doesn't do something about it, we will see a new hotbed of terrorism even worse than the hotbed we just finished cooling off.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SECURITY
Moved: 12/31/2001 8:43
CBS-SECURITY 12/31/2001

The only qualification you need. This is DR...

When the government took over airport security, the whole idea was to set standards. No longer would it be up to airlines, or private security firms no one ever heard of -- now we'd have a "new breed of super security worker." A new breed of security worker. 

And we began to imagine what this new breed would be like. Able to detect terrorists at a single glance, able to detect a straight pin with a single sweep of the wand, maybe with their own X-RAY vision so they wouldn't even NEED machines!

And yet now we're being told a lot of them won't even have high school diplomas, because that would mean firing a quarter of the security force.

So now the qualifications are being tailored to the personnel.

What to do! Well, we're going to have to trust somebody at some point.

And I think I have the one qualification that will do more than any other to create trust.

If you're a screener, the most meaningful qualification you can have is this: the prospect that you could one day fly on an aircraft full of the people you've just screened. Because if you don't really CARE who you let on a plane, you could have a PhD and it wouldn't matter.

So I'd require that security screeners fly at least once a year -- on a random flight. Like those random drug tests -- you'd report to work, and your supervisor would say "Dave, you're going to Frankfurt today..." and you'll be put aboard an overseas flight to a random destination -- where you'll be seated in a plane full of people who have been checked by screeners ... just like you.

In a middle seat if possible.

Now this.

This is DR 
Index 

CBS WALKER2
Moved: 12/21/2001 12:05
CBS-WALKER2 12/20/2001

Who is John Walker? This is DR...

Suddenly the focus of the war has become John Walker -- the American Taliban! All those bombs, a tremendous victory -- and yet, no Mullah Omar, no Osama -- the highest profile arrest turns out to be ... one of our own.

And everybody is wondering about his trial.

Forget the trial. There is something more important we must learn from John Walker than whether he aided terrorists. This is one time we have to find out why.

I watched the John Walker interview -- twice now. And the problem with it is -- that he's just not scary. Instead of a betrayal of America, it comes across more as an adventure story.

A teenager searching for answers doesn't find it in sex, or drugs, but in religion. Which would seem to be a good thing. He studies the Koran, learns Arabic -- again, that SHOULD be a god thing. But then he goes all the way ... seeks martyrdom, joins the jihad, and ends up surviving grenades, gunfire, bombs, a gasoline fire, and near drowning. He's in so deep he talks with an Arabic accent. Brainwashed? Maybe. But he sure didn't talk like a zombie. He talked like a believer.

We have to learn whether this was just in his personality, or whether there is something about Islam that has the power to take a peace loving kid and turn him into a warrior. Because if it turns out that the power is in Islam itself, and if it is strong enough to take ordinary people and turn them into anti-western warriors, this new war is going to need some very different tactics.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS STIMULUS
Moved: 12/21/2001 12:05
CBS-STIMULUS 12/20/2001

Finding the right spark. This is DR...

Congress still debating an economic stimulus package.

The trouble is that the two parties can't agree on which part of the economy to to stimulate. Generally, the Republicans want to stimulate your corporations, while the Democrats want to stimulate your workers. It all sounds vaguely erotic.

Yet neither side can agree with the other on which approach would bring the most joy.

Republicans in the House spent all night approving a package that they knew IN ADVANCE would be killed in the Senate, just like the last bill they passed. 

But they HAD to do something because the last dead bill they passed was so full of tax cuts for individuals and corporations and so little money for the unemployed that the Democratic attack ads wrote themselves.

So they have now passed a BETTER dead bill that the Democrats WON'T be able to use as easily.

Maybe it's time to just come out and say it. America, we don't know what to do. We don't know how to get you to fly again, we don't know how we can get you to buy again, we don't know how to convince business executives not to lay you off, so we're going to go home now.

By the way -- I notice in the papers today that the latest index of economic indicators indicates that "the prospects for economic recovery are on the rise."

Which means that while Congress has been busy not stimulating us, we've been stimulating ourselves. I don't know what you people are doing, but apparently it's good.

So keep doing whatever it is you're doing, and if Congress can find just find the will to continue not passing anything, we might muddle through.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS HOSTING BIN LADEN
Moved: 12/21/2001 12:05
CBS-BIN LADEN 12/19/2001

Let me guess; they have no idea. This is DR.

The FBI has been called in to question al Qaeda prisoners, with two big questions they want answered: What are al Qaeda's next targets, and where is Osama?

This, after a week's worth of stories headlined "the noose tightens." Well, the noose is so tight now it could choke a gnat, but there's nothing in it except rumors. I compared him to Elvis a couple of days ago -- now the CIA is saying he same thing.

Apparently you can still slip into Pakistan, and they don't even confiscate your nail clippers!

So FBI will ask the prisoners where he is, and -- let me GUESS! They have no idea.

And as for info about future terrorist attacks? They don't know that either!

Because as we learned in the Osama video: no one knows what they're doing until the day of the mission!

Have you targeted any particular cities? I dunno. Where's the list of the sleeper cells in America? I dunno. And that's if they're telling the truth. If they're clever, they WON'T. They'll say "Yeah, we plan to hit this bridge, or that tunnel, or that airport... with a dirty bomb, yeah that's it, and germs! Bad germs!

So in the meantime, we are threatening countries who may decide to host him. But please tell me which country is actually going to admit to HOSTING him? 

What's more likely to happen is that guerilla groups who want help winning their wars will claim that al Qaeda and maybe even Osama himself is at work in the hills, in fact, we think he's right over there -- and could you please send the air force and drop a few bombs?

It's hell being a superpower. But someone has to do it.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS JOHN WALKER
Moved: 12/21/2001 12:05
CBS-JOHN WALKER 12/19/2001

Sympathy for John Walker. This is DR...

The lawyer for innocent-American-kid-turned Taliban John Walker has launched a PR campaign to create sympathy for his client.

In the New York Times today there's a picture of John Walker at age 14, looking happy, active, and well-adjusted.

His lawyer has been e-mailing newsrooms with quotations from his parents about what a sweet boy he is, and how he must have been brainwashed.

Hey -- speaking as a father myself, I can understand that. I'm even prepared to believe John Walker WAS brainwashed. I understand how impressionable young people can be.

But besides explaining how someone from liberal Marin county becomes an intolerant religious conservative, Mr. Walker's lawyers have a bigger challenge. They have to explain how, if John Walker is not responsible for his actions, ANY member of the Taliban can be held responsible.

Since September 11th, America has been taught to associate the Taliban with EVIL. Yet almost all of those evil Taliban fighters are young! With the right family photographer, they too could look like healthy, active, well-adjusted kids.

If John Walker deserves to get off with a little rehab, wouldn't they deserve the same?

If the argument is that an American kid from an anything-goes place like Marin County could be brainwashed by the Taliban -- what about all those recruits who NEVER had a chance -- who were practically raised by mullahs?

THAT's the chalenge in this trial: explaining the difference to a jury -- which, as it deliberates a verdict, will be thinking, "if HE'S innocent, then so is everyone else we've been fighting!"

Now this. 
Index 

CBS INATTENTIVE
Moved: 12/21/2001 11:05
CBS-INATTENTIVE 12/21/2001

Don't touch that dial. This is DR...

In the Seattle Suburb of North Bend, police will soon be able to slap an additional violation on speeders. It's the brainchild of North Bend City Councilman Ed Carlson:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>carlson1
Time: 9s
Title: Ed Carlson
In-cue: I commute
Out-cue: wrong lane]

And figuring if it could happen to him it could happen to anybody, he proposed an ordinance that would penalize this type of behavior:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Carlson2
Time: 19s
Title: Ed Carlson
In-cue: What we're saying
Out-cue: 300 DOLLARS]

The charge would be "INATTENTIVE DRIVING" and there are some people - like this fellow -- who think it's about time:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Carlson3
Time: 4s
Title: CALLER
In-cue: Anything you can do
Out-cue: Fine by me]

While there are others who think it's nuts:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Carlson5
Time: 9s
Title: Caller
In-cue: What if
Out-cue: Manual transmission]

Plus, as another caller pointed out -- do police officers really have any moral right to slap you with an inattentive driving charge?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Carlson4
Time: 9s
Title: Caller2
In-cue: They have a lot more distractions
Out-cue: Have a laptop]

Yeah! The police radio and the laptop are completely unnecessary.

NOW THIS. 
Index 

CBS STIMULUS2
Moved: 12/21/2001 11:05
CBS-STIMULUS2 12/21/01

Stimulate yourselves. This is DR...

The statistics are in -- during the third quarter the U-S economy had its worst performance in a decade. The Gross Domestic Product declined at an annual rate of one-point-three percent -- even though the Federal Reserve has cut interest rates eleven times this year.

Congress has now adjourned without passing an economic stimulus package, but with statistics like this floating around -- you can bet that a stimulus package is the first thing they're going to try to pass when they get back.

And you know what that means -- another bill full of goodies for programs you never heard of. Every time they pass one of these bills, in addition to the high profile tax cuts (which you won't get until you file your taxes) and the corporate giveaways (which you won't get EVER because ... you're not a corporation), there are always strange little projects that are slipped in after hours. Fish surveys in Hawaii. A therapeutic Horseback Riding Program. Funding for new "Smart" Transportation systems.

They're usually ridiculed as PORK BARREL projects. But to the people who get them, -- they're known as MONEY IN THE POCKET. So Dave, how do I get this kind of money in MY pocket. Well, the people who get those pork barrel projects are no better than you, my friend. But they do have one thing YOU HAVEN'T got. A LOBBYIST.

So over the Christmas break what you want to do is get to know a LOBBYIST. Serve him egg nog. And, on about the third cup, tell him about YOUR new Smart Transportation project, which might be, for example, a new Lincoln Navigator with one of those satellite guidance systems.

Now this.

This is DR 
Index 

CBS CRAZY DRIVERS
Moved: 12/21/2001 11:05
CBS-CRAZY DRIVERS 12/21/2001

Crazy drivers. This is DR...

Across the country, government officials are looking for anything that they can do to throw the book at crazy drivers. They're trying cell phone bans, cell phone use bans, "Inattentive Driving" laws.

But in our hearts, we all know what the real problem is, don't we.

It's like anything else. Driving is an art. And some people have the gift, and some don't. There are some people who were born to drive, and some who were born to drive like JERKS.

And that so many jerks end up behind the wheel is quite frankly society's fault.

Because as a society we may SAY we care, but we really don't.

As proof -- think back on your driver's test. They give you a booklet, then they give you multiple choice test right out of the booklet. Then -- after a few weeks -- just long enough to forget what was in the booklet -- you take the road test.

And what's the road test? 

The examiner takes you on some placid side street because he has to do this every day he's retiring in a few months, and he doesn't want to get killed. What he SHOULD do is take you out on a freeway just when all the trucks are trying to make their morning deliveries. And to simulate actual driving conditions, he should yell things like -- THAT'S OUR EXIT YOU'RE GONNA MISS IT, I TOLD YOU THIS WAS THE WRONG LANE!

But they can't do that, because in a country with so little public transit, to limit drivers licenses to people who actually DESERVE them would leave the roads empty and paralyze the economy.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS COMPENSATION
Moved: 12/21/2001 11:05
CBS-COMPENSATION 12/21/2001

What is fair. This is DR...

The federal fund for the families of the September 11th attacks could cost taxpayers 6 billion dollars. The individual awards could go as high as $4.35 million -- in the case of a 30 year old victim who made 175,000 a year and left behind a wife and two children.

In exchange -- anyone accepting a payment from the fund would have to agree not to sue.

It may sound generous. But if you look up the kind of damage awards that juries have been handing out -- the federal compensation fund looks more like a down payment.

Just last August, ONE cancer patient settled for $100 million dollars from Philip Morris. This was for ONE MAN, age 57, who had smoked his whole life.

Last June, a court awarded a woman who was treated for a form of cancer which, it turned out, she didn't have -- $15 million for an unnecessary hysterectomy. 

And in October of last year, Heather Mercer, a place kicker who argued she was cut from the Duke University football team solely because of her gender, won two MILLION dollars, because the University had acted with malice and reckless indifference.

Well, it would be hard to find an act that embodies more malice and reckless indifference than what happened September 11th.

And yet, because everyone who died on that day was equally innocent, any jury considering compensation would have to consider the effect of multiplying that award by 3000. And even more frustrating is knowing that the PEOPLE who are REALLY to blame will never pay a dime.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WALKER2
Moved: 12/21/2001 6:47
CBS-WALKER2 12/20/2001

Who is John Walker? This is DR...

Suddenly the focus of the war has become John Walker -- the American Taliban! All those bombs, a tremendous victory -- and yet, no Mullah Omar, no Osama -- the highest profile arrest turns out to be ... one of our own.

And everybody is wondering about his trial.

Forget the trial. There is something more important we must learn from John Walker than whether he aided terrorists. This is one time we have to find out why.

I watched the John Walker interview -- twice now. And the problem with it is -- that he's just not scary. Instead of a betrayal of America, it comes across more as an adventure story.

A teenager searching for answers doesn't find it in sex, or drugs, but in religion. Which would seem to be a good thing. He studies the Koran, learns Arabic -- again, that SHOULD be a good thing. But then he goes all the way ... seeks martyrdom, joins the jihad, and ends up surviving grenades, gunfire, bombs, a gasoline fire, and near drowning. He's in so deep he talks with an Arabic accent. Brainwashed? Maybe. But he sure didn't talk like a zombie. He talked like a believer.

We have to learn whether this was just in his personality, or whether there is something about Islam that has the power to take a peace loving kid and turn him into a warrior. Because if it turns out that the power is in Islam itself, and if it is strong enough to take ordinary people and turn them into anti-western warriors, this new war is going to need some very different tactics.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BLAME FLORIDA
Moved: 12/19/2001 8:51
BLAMEFLO.SNG 11/13/00 11:45 PM-DLR 0:59 

This is Dave Ross, on the CBS Radio Network. (MUSIC START) 

LOOKING BACK ON 2001, THE YEAR THE RECOUNT WAS FINALLY FINISHED:

[We've explored every possible angle on this election story, and there's only one left: A cheap parody.]

It's the parents of South Park -- and they're on the warpath again!

(BLAME FLORIDA)

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>blameflorida
Time: 86s
Out-cue: ]

--------------------------------

Life was calm
As normal as could be
They held a big election and they put it on TV.

We watched the final votes come in and everything was fine
Except for the state that couldn't make up its mind.

Blame Florida
Blame Florida

And if we had half a brain,
We would give it back to Spain.

Blame Florida
Blame Florida

That's what happens when you make a state with sand.

Other states 
Avoided this mistake
They use a kind of ballot that is really hard to break.

Floridians can tie their shoes, and even zip their pants
But punching a hole is apparently too advanced!

Blame Florida
Blame Florida

Ever since election day 
The Cubans float the other way

Blame Florida
Blame Florida

That's why Elian is never coming back.

We've blamed the exit pollers
We've blamed the candidates
We've blamed the constitution
But frankly it's too late.
And if the founding fathers
Were still around today
I think I know exactly what they'd say.

Blame Florida / Blame Florida

If only Ponce de Leon
Had just amused himself at home

Blame Florida / Blame Florida

(Well, maybe that's unfair... ) After all it's full of people...from New York.

~C:\WORKS\FILES\BLAMEFLO.SNG 
Index 

CBS BLAME FLORIDA
Moved: 12/19/2001 8:33
BLAMEFLO.SNG 11/13/00 11:45 PM-DLR 0:59 

This is Dave Ross, on the CBS Radio Network. (MUSIC START) 

LOOKING BACK ON 2001, THE YEAR THE RECOUNT WAS FINALLY FINISHED:

[We've explored every possible angle on this election story, and there's only one left: A cheap parody.]

It's the parents of South Park -- and they're on the warpath again!

(BLAME FLORIDA)

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>blameflorida
Time: 86s
Out-cue: ]

--------------------------------

Life was calm
As normal as could be
They held a big election and they put it on TV.

We watched the final votes come in and everything was fine
Except for the state that couldn't make up its mind.

Blame Florida
Blame Florida

And if we had half a brain,
We would give it back to Spain.

Blame Florida
Blame Florida

That's what happens when you make a state with sand.

Other states 
Avoided this mistake
They use a kind of ballot that is really hard to break.

Floridians can tie their shoes, and even zip their pants
But punching a hole is apparently too advanced!

Blame Florida
Blame Florida

Ever since election day 
The Cubans float the other way

Blame Florida
Blame Florida

That's why Elian is never coming back.

We've blamed the exit pollers
We've blamed the candidates
We've blamed the constitution
But frankly it's too late.
And if the founding fathers
Were still around today
I think I know exactly what they'd say.

Blame Florida / Blame Florida

If only Ponce de Leon
Had just amused himself at home

Blame Florida / Blame Florida

(Well, maybe that's unfair... ) After all it's full of people...from New York.

~C:\WORKS\FILES\BLAMEFLO.SNG 
Index 

CBS BLAME FLORIDA
Moved: 12/19/2001 8:27
BLAMEFLO.SNG 11/13/00 11:45 PM-DLR 0:59 

This is Dave Ross, on the CBS Radio Network. (MUSIC START) 

[We've explored every possible angle on this election story, and there's only one left: A cheap parody.]

It's the parents of South Park -- and they're on the warpath again!

(BLAME FLORIDA)

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>blameflorida
Time: 86s
Out-cue: ]

--------------------------------

Life was calm
As normal as could be
They held a big election and they put it on TV.

We watched the final votes come in and everything was fine
Except for the state that couldn't make up its mind.

Blame Florida
Blame Florida

And if we had half a brain,
We would give it back to Spain.

Blame Florida
Blame Florida

That's what happens when you make a state with sand.

Other states 
Avoided this mistake
They use a kind of ballot that is really hard to break.

Floridians can tie their shoes, and even zip their pants
But punching a hole is apparently too advanced!

Blame Florida
Blame Florida

Ever since election day 
The Cubans float the other way

Blame Florida
Blame Florida

That's why Elian is never coming back.

We've blamed the exit pollers
We've blamed the candidates
We've blamed the constitution
But frankly it's too late.
And if the founding fathers
Were still around today
I think I know exactly what they'd say.

Blame Florida / Blame Florida

If only Ponce de Leon
Had just amused himself at home

Blame Florida / Blame Florida

(Well, maybe that's unfair... ) After all it's full of people...from New York.

~C:\WORKS\FILES\BLAMEFLO.SNG 
Index 

CBS MEN WITH BEER
Moved: 12/18/2001 7:59
CBS-MEN WITH BEER 12/18/2001

The Few, the Proud. This is Dave Ross... 

And now, an epic poem: for the brave fans of the Cleveland Dog Pound, whose example of sportsmanship Sunday has served as a beacon to fans everywhere -- it even inspired fans at the Monday Night game in New Orleans ... It is an example that will live on... in American legend:

Listen my children, and you will hear
The inspiring tale of Men with Beer

Who took their stand for all to see
To show the pow'r of wet debris

For when the call goes not their way
They put refreshments into play

They bravely stand for all that's right
For courage, truth, and Miller Light

Their cause is just, they have no fear-- 
The few, the proud, the Men with Beer.

There's no excuse, there's none at all
When game officials botch the call.

The fans yelled things that can't be quoted
For all of them were locked ... and loaded.

And soon there flew from dizzying height
Cascades of suds, oh, what a sight!

And in the papers I'm sure you've read,
How referees turned tail and fled.

No match they, for the lusty jeer
Of these noble fans, these Men with Beer.

Their ammo is a potent brew
Especially when it's in them too

They never shirk, they never flee
Unless of course, they have to pee.

But Oh, when stirred they have no peer
The few, the proud, the Men with Beer.

As for the bottles that they threw
Most of them still held some brew!

We must surmise, as most folks would
The beer in Cleveland ain't that good

And thus, the choice is crystal clear
Better calls, or better beer.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ESCAPED
Moved: 12/17/2001 8:56
CBS-ESCAPED 12/17/2001

Color him gone. This is DR...

SO this is what it boils down to -- we bomb the hell out of their hiding places, and the highest al Qaeda official we have is a bearded kid from Marin County?

Where is Evil Doer number one? Escaped apparently. And all those reports from our Northern Alliance friends about seeing Osama in this cave, or in that village, or hearing his voice on a walkie talkie -- apparently embellishments.

And now that some of the al Qaeda POWs are talking -- he's either in Pakistan, or still in Tora Bora, or working at the Kalamazoo K-Mart. Plus I hear he lettered in the University of New Hampshire football program.

Who knows?

In the meantime, we're learning that the Taliban aren't completely gone either.

Some of the alliance commanders were playing a game of catch and release.

ALL of the Taliban's top leaders are wild and free -- including the defense minister. You'd think THAT guy would surely be out of a job, but apparently not. And not only are they free -- six senior Taliban officials have started up a political party in southeastern Afghanistan! Capture that NOSTALGIA vote.

And so despite spy satellites, reconnaissance drones, phone taps, mortars, missiles, and daisy cutters, Osama survives. And nooo one knows where he is.

Well that's fine. We can work with that. There are several countries which the Air Force has been looking to visit. We could say that he's in SOMLIA -- yeah, SOMALIA. Or wait a minute -- I think someone said they saw him in Iraq... sunning himself right next to Saddam's weapons of mass destruction.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS O'LEARY
Moved: 12/17/2001 8:56
CBS-O'LEARY 12/17/2001

The tangled web. This is DR...

It had to be the shortest head coaching stint in the history of college football. Shorter even than David Justice's stint with the Mets.

George O'Leary resigning from Notre Dame after admitting he inflated his resume.

For years, his resume stated that he lettered with the University of New Hampshire and had a masters in education from NYU. But after reporters started checking, he had to come clean.

He admitted he never lettered with the University of New Hampshire; in fact, he fell ill and never played a game.

As for his masters in Education from NYU -- he attended, but never earned a degree.

And so once again we see why it's so important to tell the truth. 

Notre Dame is relieved because if they'd discovered this after a couple of winning seasons, they'd have not only a scandal -- but a dilemma.

But there is more than ONE lesson in this case.

That apparently, in football anyway, credentials aren't that important. 

Let's remember why Notre Dame hired him: a 52 and 33 record in seven seasons at Georgia Tech, including five consecutive bowl game appearances. NO one's challenged that.

So, here's a guy who didn't even play a game when he was in New Hampshire -- the coach didn't even remember he was on the team -- yet he gets Georgia Tech into five bowl games. He didn't get his education masters at NYU, but apparently was able to motivate kids just the same.

What does that tell you? If a coach can win games -- the last thing you want to see is a bunch of boring references.

I didn't even know the University of New Hampshire HAD a football team.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FIREPROOFING
Moved: 12/14/2001 8:47
CBS-FIREPROOFING 12/13/2001

Was it the fireproofing? This is DR.

Some headlines make you pause, like the one I saw in the New York Times: Faulty Fireproofing Is Reviewed as Factor in Trade Center Collapse.

The story is about the fireproof coating on the support beams of the World Trade Center which apparently had been a problem for years: continually peeling away and being replaced, and peeling away and being replaced again.

The Times had pictures of the peeling insulation, and quotes from experts about how fireproofing is important because hot fires can melt steel and how faulty fireproofing was very likely a problem in every part of the building -- and pretty soon, I began asking myself... what is this really for?

I have no doubt that faulty fireproofing was a factor in the collapse of the world trade center. You could also argue GRAVITY was a factor. And the height of the building.

But the really BIG factor was that the towers were hit by gigantic jets full of fuel!

I mean, you could also say that the inadequate sprinkler system was a factor -- because clearly it hadn't been designed to put out the fire caused by a fully fueled 757 flying at top speed!

Are they saying that even an ordinary fire might have caused the towers to collapse? If that's the problem, then fine -- we certainly don't want grease fires bringing down buildings -- but if the idea here is that you can somehow make a building JET proof -- what do you do when Airbus builds that 800 seat double decker? 

If the goal is to make buildings jet-proof -- I have two words for you: 
shorter buildings.

Now this. This is DR... 
Index 

CBS FAT
Moved: 12/14/2001 8:47
CBS-FAT 12/13/2001

Fat gets the tobacco treatment. This is DR...

The surgeon general is on a crusade against fat -- and he has good reason to be. Not only are 60% of adults too fat -- 13% of KIDS are too fat.

What's amazing to me is that this has happened despite health classes, despite the new food chart, despite school gyms filled with computerized bicycles, low fat foods, diet drinks, and the potato chips that go right through you.

And I think I know why. Here's this weeks menu from EPPING Elementary school in New Hampshire -- I just pulled up on the Internet: 
Monday — Teriyaki chicken.
Tuesday — Cheeseburger or chicken patty.
Wednesday — Turkey sub.
Thursday — Pizza.
Friday — Chicken nuggets.

This stuff sounds... delicious. When I went to school, they didn't feed us no Teriyaki chicken. They fed us agricultural surplus. I once snuck into the cafeteria pantry and saw the cans. "USDA Corn" they said.

It was the stuff the government bought to prop up the price of food. Peas, corn, beans, it was all the same except for the color. Actually, the color wasn't that different either.

As a result, we didn't eat. I remember one day the cafeteria custodian got so upset at all the food being thrown way he started waving the wooden oar that he used as a garbage compactor and started telling kids to EAT SOMETHING.

But we couldn't. We'd take one bite and throw it out.

As a result I stopped growing in the eighth grade. 

And so there's your answer. Food in big cans packaged by the government, and closed campuses, so the kids can't escape. Just watch the pounds melt away.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS TAPE REACTION
Moved: 12/14/2001 8:47
CBS-TAPE DOUBTS 12/14/2001

A complete fabrication. This is DR...

It's been a day since the bin Laden tape was released, so it's time to assess "world reaction." Time to see whether those who loved Osama before now hate him, and whether those who hated America before now LOVE America.

And just leafing through the clippings today, the answer appears to be ... NO.

A lot of people seem to have their minds made up.

``Of course it is fabricated,'' said one Egyptian expert on Islamic movements.

"Not authentic" said the organization that leads pro-Taliban rallies in Pakistan.

The tape only showed somebody who resembles bin Laden -- said an Islamic militant in Kashmir. Bin Laden would never express happiness over the killing of innocent people.

And Mohammed Atta, Sr, father of the man Osama named as the leader of the attack, declared the tape a``farce,'' said ``America is the land of aberration and forgery,'' and then, shouting ``damn America!'' hung up.

So there you go -- it might as well have been Toy Story III.

Just a fabrication. And you know what -- maybe they're right. I don't know about the TAPE. I think Osama HIMSELF is a fabrication.

In fact, I'm beginning to think ALL these religious militants are fabrications. I don't think they REALLY believe in God. They SAY they believe in God, but in fact, they use God more like a military recruiting poster. And they celebrate holy martyrdom -- but I think the real reason is because THAT way they NEVER have to explain casualties. I think they're just Warlords pretending to be holy men. Even the 12th century has its special effects.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS LIQUOR
Moved: 12/14/2001 8:47
CBS-LIQUOR 12/14/2001

Are they or aren't they. This is DR...

According to the headlines, NBC will become the first TV network to run commercials for hard liquor.

But it's a very confusing campaign, because it starts Saturday not with a liquor ad but with a public service announcement. The first Smirnoff ad won't be about vodka; it will be about Designated Driving.

In fact, the next four months of liquor ads on NBC won't be about liquor, but about responsible drinking. The NBC policy states that ANY company that wants to advertise hard liquor first has to run four months of ads about how not to ABUSE hard liquor. And then, after the four month visual vaccination period, one of every five spots has to warn about the social consequences. And the rest of them must not promote distilled alcohol products as a "mark of adulthood" and may not show or even REPRESENT consumption on camera.

Plus, to make sure the commercial are childproof, no active professional athletes may be used, no entertainment figure who appeals to those under 21, AND "products shall not be promoted for the intoxicating effect that may be achieved by their alcohol content."

They'll look like commercials for Prilosec. 

Look, are we supposed to get drunk or not, that's all we want to know. Do you want us to drink your stuff, or don't you? We're TV watchers. We do whatever you say.

But if you don't even show people drinking we won't know what to do when we get the bottle home.

(OFF MIKE) Honey - do we open this, or what?

By the way, coming next year -- plutonium ads. With safeguards, of course.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS SURRENDER 12/12/200
Moved: 12/12/2001 8:46
CBS-SURRENDER 12/12/2001

Another last chance? This is DR...

So the deadline comes for surrendering Tora Bora, and like any good American, I turn on the TV to watch the final shootout live. But nothing. Some video of an old tank firing a shell that didn't appear to hit anything. But no surrender, and no assault.

Even Geraldo held back. 

And now -- we learn that there is a NEW deadline. A SECOND last chance to surrender.

The problem appears to be that al Qaida members fear they will be turned over to the Americans if they surrender.

Well, yeah, I'd say those are pretty well-placed fears. 

To quote Donald Rumsfeld, the goal is ``to capture or kill ALL the al-Qaida and prevent them from escaping." Unquote.

I don't think that's going to change in 24 hours. Pick up the phone, Osama!

I don't get it. These guys have college degrees, right? Yet, they openly declare war on America -- dumb; they record incriminating videos -- dumber; they leave a giant map of their targets on the wall of their abandoned headquarters, where reporters can just stroll in; and then they ALL gather in a cave whose location everybody knows, and whose floor plan is published in every newspaper!

And now they won't surrender? Don't they realize the opportunity that's slipping through their fingers? 

The latest polls show most Americans, despite the President's directive, wouldn't tolerate secret trials, so the al Qaida would very likely HAVE to be tried publicly -- a terrorists dream come true! I can't believe he wouldn't pick up the phone!

Or it COULD be that he HAS picked up the phone, but it just rings and rings and rings...

Now this... 
Index 

CBS NEVER FORGET
Moved: 12/12/2001 8:46
CBS-NEVER FORGET

Never forget. This is DR...

It isn't just "Sept 11th" in the "Never forget" category. For the members of Democrats.com there's also "December 12th"... the day the Supreme Court stopped the Florida recount, effectively awarding the Presidency to George W Bush.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>dem2
Time: 9s
Title: Bob Fertik
In-cue: As long as you
Out-cue: legal countable votes]

Bob Fertik is a founder of Democrats.com, which wants Congress to launch a Watergate style investigation of the 2000 election:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>dem5
Time: 16s 
Title: Bob Fertik
In-cue: Democracy is defined
Out-cue: AND CALL THAT AN ELECTION]

He knows George W. Bush is very popular now. But that, he says, has nothing to do with it:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>dem4
Time: 17s
Title: Bob Fertik
In-cue: If someone steals
Out-cue: brought to justice]

And it has nothing to do with Bush's behavior in office. He doesn't consider Bush a BAD man...

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>dem3
Time: 1s
Title: Bob Fertik
In-cue: Bad no
Out-cue: BUT ILLEGITIMATE YES]

And so Bob Fertik has activated his e-mail tree, inundating talk show hosts and commentators with pleas to cover December 12th as yet another date that should live in infamy: 

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>dem6
Time: 3s
Title: Bob Fertik
In-cue: Its very simple
Out-cue: Or we don't]

Now this. This is DR... 
Index 

CBS DECEMBER 11
Moved: 12/12/2001 7:47
CBS-DECEMBER 11 12/11/2001

Three months. This is DR...

Three months since what we've come to call simply "The Attack."
Designed to throw a country into chaos. And at first that's just what it seemed to do -- leaving ALL OF US slack-jawed and staring at the TV.

We learned that it wasn't just our buildings but our success that was in the cross hairs. That this was a war against us just for existing, waged with our own tools, and in the name of God by an organization that preached suicide as the ticket to Heaven.

They had mastered the not-too-difficult task of infiltrating a free country, and got past the scanners because their main weapon was their resolve.

Some people here reacted by suspecting anything Islamic. But most people reacted with a resolve of their own: in everything from the spontaneous mutual defense agreements in first class to the sonic booms in the skies of Afghanistan.

We Americans are always tempted to get sentimental about ourselves, and to inflate acts of necessity into courage.

But the idea that wealth brings weakness, that freedom is naive, that a society based on peaceful competition and open debate won't fight back -- has again turned out to be very wrong.

One day, the America-haters will realize that what they really hate is this: that a closed society is never as successful as an open one. And that is why their victories are always temporary. The one thing they forget in invoking God is that along with everything else, God created free will -- and there is no indication that He's changed His mind.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TAPE
Moved: 12/11/2001 13:14
CBS-TAPE 12/10/2001

Can we handle another bin Laden tape. This is DR...

There's a new bin Laden tape in which he apparently indicates he was pleasantly surprised that the Twin Towers actually fell. He also, we're told, expresses amusement that many of the hijackers didn't know it was a suicide mission. They thought they hijacked the plane to land it somewhere.

What a sense of humor!

But should it be broadcast, or could it contain a coded message?

Not only should it the tape be broadcast, it should air-dropped along with little portable video players.

Remember that recruitment video, with the pictures of the al Qaida shock troops, guns in hand, training to take on the infidel? This is the flip side: bin Laden feasting and laughing, while those same al Qaida shock troops who were told they were doing one thing, found themselves doing something very different. Even among his would-be disciples, I wonder how well the idea of being tricked into martyrdom will play?

They ought to see it.

Any special attack message would probably be a lot more obvious anyway. The Mirror of London published a quote from Osama's estranged wife Sabiha -- who said her ex is planning to have his sons execute him on TV, and that the tape of that execution would be the signal for a new wave of attacks that would include not only the US Capitol, but Big Ben and the Eiffel Tower.

THAT's the video we should suppress. In fact, if that's true, then it might be convenient if Osama DID manage to (QUOTE) "escape" from Tora Bora, if you know what I mean. He would suddenly go quiet -- but never officially die.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TORA BORA
Moved: 12/11/2001 13:14
TORABORA.SNG 12/09/01 3:13 PMDLR 0:41

This is DR...

And now, a song dedicated to the one man no one has any sympathy for:

(Midi soundtrack piano sequenced by Heidi Snyder, webmaster@musicalheaven.com, edited and produced by Dave Ross)

(From "Finian's Rainbow" by E.Y. Harburg; music by Burton Lane)

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Tora Bora (Short)
Time: 86s
Out-cue: ]

I hear a bird, a loud and heavy bird

You acted bad, you made us mad, perhaps you've heard 

So what's the word?

How are things in Tora Bora?

Do you find you get a good night's sleep?

Do you miss the fellas at the bar

In Kandahar

And Masare Sharif

How are things in Tora Bora?

We've been hearing that it's kind of warm

But if you'd like some lemonade

The tenth brigade

Will bring it to your dorm.

So I ask each tribal chieftain, and each tank along the way

And the women with their ankles on display

How are things in Tora Bora  this fine day?

~C:\works\files\TORABORA.SNG 
Index 

CBS DECEMBER 11
Moved: 12/11/2001 8:59
CBS-DECEMBER 11 12/11/2001

Three months. This is DR...

Three months since what we've come to call simply "The Attack."
Designed to throw a country into chaos. And at first that's just what it seemed to do -- leaving ALL OF US slack-jawed and staring at the TV.

We learned that it wasn't just our buildings but our success that was in the cross hairs. That this was a war against us just for existing, waged with our own tools, and in the name of God by an organization that preached suicide as the ticket to Heaven.

They had mastered the not-too-difficult task of infiltrating a free country, and got past the scanners because their main weapon was their resolve.

Some people here reacted by suspecting anything Islamic. But most people reacted with a resolve of their own: in everything from the spontaneous mutual defense agreements in first class to the sonic booms in the skies of Afghanistan.

We Americans are always tempted to get sentimental about ourselves, and to inflate acts of necessity into courage.

But the idea that wealth brings weakness, that freedom is naive, that a society based on peaceful competition and open debate won't fight back -- has again turned out to be very wrong.

One day, the America-haters will realize that what they really hate is this: that a closed society is never as successful as an open one. And that is why their victories are always temporary. The one thing they forget in invoking God is that along with everything else, God created free will -- and there is no indication that he's changed his mind.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS HEKMATYAR
Moved: 12/7/2001 8:45
HEKMATYA.CBS 12/06/01 7:35 PMDLR 1:26

Afghanistan's NEW tribe. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Here's an Associated Press dispatch. Dateline TEHRAN  A former Afghan warlord criticized the deal that established a new administration in Kabul, saying it amounts to a U.S.imposed government for Afghanistan.

Gulbuddin Hekmatyar, who once served as Afghanistan's prime minister, said the agreement gave the United States (QUOTE) ``all the goals it has been looking for.'' (UNQUOTE) 

He's right, of course. Not that we MANIPULATED the negotiations, we were just there, behind the scenes, SPEAKING SOFTLY.

Mr. Hekmatyar doesn't like ANYTHING about this new government. It isn't realistic, it's full of incompetence, it is doomed to fail, but we know what his REAL complaint is  it doesn't include him.

The reason it doesn't include him is that when Mr. Hekmatyar served as prime minister of Afghanistan seven years ago, he picked a fight with his boss, the President, and the two launched a civil war that did not enjoy the benefit of smart bombs and ended up killing 50,000 people.

Now, I wish I could say the members of the new government all good and competent people, but I have no idea who they are. I DO feel pretty confident of the two women in the cabinet because being women, they arrive with a clean slate.

But in response to people like Mr. Hekmatyar and other former Afghan leaders who feel bullied by America, I HAVE to say -- get used to it. There's a NEW tribe in town now. And the only way you wouldn't know that - is if you've been living in a cave the last few months.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BASEBALL
Moved: 12/7/2001 8:45
CBS-BASEBALL 12/07/2001

Stop us before we play again! This is DR...

Bud Selig, Commissioner of Baseball, told Congress this week that the sport needs to contract. To shrink. Eliminate two teams.

Last month, the baseball's 30 owners voted 28-2 to disband two teams. Just as the government used to do with farmers, baseball would pay them to take their crop out of production; $250 million per team.

Selig says there is no choice because last year, baseball had an overall operating deficit of 232 million dollars. That means even if there was complete revenue sharing, and all the teams that made money gave their entire profits to all the teams that lost money, the sport would be in the hole 232 million dollars.

The problem is so bad that -- even the Arizona Diamondbacks -- you remember them, they won the World Series -- lost 32.2 million doing it.

How is it that an industry with revenues that have DOUBLED in five years, could lose so much money?

That's what Senators wanted to know, and they never got the answer. Unless, of course, they opened the sports section, where they could have read that Jason Giambi stands to sign a 7 year contract earning him $125 million -- more than half the losses of the entire sport. 

It's almost as if baseball was run by 30 crazy warlords. Every year they agree that they must make peace someday -- and then go out and buy the most expensive arms they can find.

I guess the logic is that if you eliminate two teams, there will only be 28 crazy warlords. Anything's an improvement.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS OMAR
Moved: 12/7/2001 8:44
CBS-OMAR 12/07/2001

He's not there? This is DR...

Now we're being told Mullah Omar is missing. Only yesterday, the opposition forces had the city surrounded and were negotiating his surrender.

And the terms were pretty specific: I refer to the article in the New York Times -- which said senior aides to Omar had agreed to hand over authority to a local tribal leader, after which his soldiers would start laying down their arms. In exchange, Taliban soldiers would get amnesty, and Omar would surrender with dignity.

But regardless of the details, the point is that as recently as yesterday, someone was in close enough contact with Mullah Omar to negotiate terms. And how he's disappeared?

And not only that -- we're hearing reports that instead of laying down their weapons, Taliban forces are driving away WITH their weapons! From a city that was surrounded!

Something's not being communicated here. Too many tribal dialects, perhaps. 

And then, the statement from the defense minister of the new Afghan government about Osama bin Laden. Bin Laden, he says, is definitely holed up in the Tora Bora mountains, but if it gets too hot, he'll probably slip out and go to Pakistan.

Slip out and go to Pakistan? Just like that?

I know his cave is secret -- but we've seen DIAGRAMS of it. In the newspapers. This could be the most extensively-documented secret cave in the history of warfare -- detailed diagrams right down to where the bunk beds are. It may not be possible to get in, but you'd think it ought to be possible to keep someone from getting OUT.

Could it be that someone isn't being entirely truthful with us?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS WALKER3
Moved: 12/6/2001 8:46
CBS-WALKER3 12/05/2001

It would be the trial Osama has dreamed of. This is DR...

There's another aspect to the case of John Walker -- the American who joined the Taliban.

The propaganda possibilities.

A State Department official has told the Senate that the President's secret military commissions would not apply to him. So if he's tried, it will be in public.
And if I were his defense attorney, I know what my argument would be: brainwashing: I'd argue that he was sucked into a cult, and that what he needs is not punishment, but de-programming.

Makes sense, right? So what does that leave the government's prosecutor to argue? He will have to argue that it was NOT brainwashing. That John Walker chose to join the Taliban of his own free will. 

You see where this is going? The United States Government will have to set out to prove in court that an American citizen, well-educated, lacking for nothing, purposely chose not only to convert to Islam, but to join the movement for a pure Islamic state.

The trial of an American, an intelligent American, an American raised in American middle class culture by educated American parents, who willingly followed the Taliban -- would be covered gavel to gavel on al Jazeera.

The only way out of this propaganda nightmare would be if John Walker suddenly comes to his senses, states publicly that he made a mistake, and pleads guilty.

None of us know what's going through his mind right now, as he sits in the custody of US special forces, but if I were a betting man, I'd bet that a big public trial is NOT going to happen.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross.... 
Index 

CBS WALKER2
Moved: 12/6/2001 8:46
CBS-WALKER2 12/05/2001

Sympathy for our enemies. This is DR...

Amidst all the vilification of the Taliban -- a glimmer of sympathy.

John Walker -- the American who took up arms and fought with the Taliban seemed to win a sympathetic description from the President. President Bush usually describes the Taliban as "evil doers."

But when asked about John Walker on 20/20 he said (QUOTE) We're just learning the facts about this poor fellow. Surely he was raised to know that a government that suppresses women and womens' rights; that doesn't educate young girls, is not the kind of government worth dying for." (UNQUOTE) 

I thought the issue was terrorism and who supports it.

Yet being American seems to make a difference.

At a Senate hearing, the State Department's ambassador-at-large for war crimes said that the President's executive order -- setting up those mysterious secret military commissions to try terrorists -- would not cover John Walker, because he's an American citizen. 

Well then, you say, convict him of treason in open court. Really? How? This is an undeclared war, he was fighting the Northern Alliance, not the US, and the President has described him as "this poor fellow."

So this man, who trained with al Qaida -- the group that crashed four planes, three of them into large buildings, which before that bombed two US embassies, and a US warship, will probably end up a free man. Maybe write a book.

While at the same time, non-Americans suspected of terrorist ties will be tried and likely convicted in secret.

This certainly instructs al Qaida members as to what their next tactic should be. Become citizens.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS GUN LAW
Moved: 12/6/2001 8:43
CBS-GUN LAW 12/06/2001

Some amendments ARE just MORE IMPORTANT THAN others. This is DR...

Five days after the September 11th attacks, the FBI ran the names of 186 terrorist suspects thru the gun purchase database to see if any had been cleared to buy guns. The records showed that two of them had. But when investigators wanted to run more names, they were told NO -- because federal files on background checks may NOT be used to finger people who have purchased guns. Even if they are not American citizens!

That's comforting. I mean, here we are at war, with a Presidential Order which says these suspects don't even have the right to a regular jury trial -- but we still have the presence of mind to protect the enemy's right to secretly own a gun.

No right to a jury trial under the sixth amendment, but the right to own a gun under the second. 

People way smarter than you or I say THAT's the law.

Unless there's another reason for keeping those records secret. 

What do you suppose the public reaction would be, if those records showed that our gun laws had made it easy for foreign terrorists to ARM THEMSELVES to the TEETH. That would mean that thanks to our gun laws, these terrorist cells we all assume exist have a lot more than box cutters.

That might prove to be VERY embarrassing. But relax. It won't happen. The records are off limits. Which means that if you're a foreign terrorist, rest assured you can shop for firearms in complete confidence that your right to arm yourself will be zealously protected by the very same government which intends to arrest you without charges and try you in secret.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS SURRENDER
Moved: 12/6/2001 8:43
CBS-SURRENDER 12/06/2001

Heaven can wait. This is DR.

Imagine: less than three months from the opening attacks -- to the surrender of the Taliban.

The Taliban will surrender Kandahar, hand over their weapons, and as part of the agreement Mullah Omar will be spared.

That's the part that surprises me.

Of all the blunders in this war, his was the biggest. If ever a captain should have gone down with his ship, it was Omar.

I wonder if he realizes that it didn't have to be this way. All he had to do was turn in Osama, and he'd still be in power! His police could still be smacking women for showing too much ankle. 

Now he will be living in a country full of pop music, TVs everywhere, skies dark with kites, and women not only free to show their faces, but actually in the ruling cabinet -- TWO of them! 

Mullah Omar will be outranked by two female cabinet ministers!

All because he wouldn't surrender Osama. Couldn't find him. Didn't know where he was. And even if he DID know where he was, Osama was a guest -- and you do not betray a guest. I hope he kept the room deposit.

He's got a lot more guests now -- Americans, Russians, the UN.

But strangest of all is that here we have a man who convinced so many students of Islam that a glorious afterlife awaits those who fight the infidel. A man who had a chance to set the ultimate example, to put his preaching into practice against the UNITED STATES MARINES. And yet he chose to surrender. I'm glad he did, but it's strange. 

Heaven is fine for the rank and file, but for the leaders, Heaven Can Wait.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS GUILT/
Moved: 12/4/2001 8:49
CBS-GUILT 11/29/2001

Not worth the cardboard it's printed on. This is DR...

The closer Christmas gets -- the more you wonder -- SHOULD I give to the poor soul with the cardboard sign?

To help you decide, let me introduce Bob, who knows how effective a piece of cardboard can be. Because he learned from the pros:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>panhandle1
Time: 11s
Title: Bob
In-cue: The guys who turned me on...
Out-cue: pitiful you look, the better you do]

He took the advice, found a busy highway, and scribbled his message of desperation:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>panhandle3
Time: 11s
Title: Bob
In-cue: Will work for food
Out-cue: needs work, hungry]

He IS a vet, by the way, but he never saw combat, and he definitely was not hungry:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>pandandle2
Time: 7s
Title: Bob
In-cue: The money was so good
Out-cue: tax free]

Only problem -- sometimes people actually DID offer him work:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>panhandler4
Time: 3s
Title: Bob
In-cue: Just tell them my back
Out-cue: thank you though]

And worse, they would offer food:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>panhandler5
Time: 1s
Title: Bob
In-cue: Those would just
Out-cue: go in the garbage]

Ah, but sometimes they would give him MONEY. And then it was party time:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>panhandle6
Time: 2s
Title: Bob
In-cue: Chasin the ladies
Out-cue: the ladies]

Now, however, he's changed his ways. Got a job with the post office. And on the application, under "previous experience" -- he put "unemployed." Such modesty.

So now you know -- it isn't just the retailers who rely on the Christmas season to make their projections. It's also people like Bob:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>panhandle7
Time: 4s
Title: Bob
In-cue: A wheelchair
Out-cue: extra 50 a day]

Now this.

This is DR 
Index 

CBS HUMILIATION/
Moved: 12/4/2001 8:49
CBS-HUMILIATION 11/30/2001

Humiliation 101. This is DR

The case of a fifth grader humiliated by his teacher is now before the Supreme Court. But the young man is hardly alone. I put out an APB for classroom humiliation stories, and found all sorts of scarred people out there.

Jim, for example:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>humble3
Time: 12s
Title: Jim
In-cue: While in
Out-cue: The entire year]

Apologize for the entire year!

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>humble4
Time: 11s
Title: Jim
In-cue: I stood there
Out-cue: home for the year]

That how it was in the 50's. But listen to what Robert had to go through:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>humble1
Time: 8s
Title: Robert
In-cue: If you goofed off
Out-cue: I'm a little teapot]

I'm a little teapot. WITH all the movements. Oh, but listen to what happened to PAUL:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>humble2
Time: 27s
Title: Paul
In-cue: I was caught talking
Out-cue: over it or not]

Where's the Supreme Court when you need it.

Now this.

This is DR.. 
Index 

CBS HARRISON
Moved: 12/4/2001 8:45
CBS-HARRISON 11/30/2001

Within you and Without you. This is DR... 

Some of you remember George Harrison as the mystic with the long hair and the flowing beard, who introduced the sitar and Ravi Shankar to America, and inspired all your friends to pick up transcendental meditation. Maybe you remember him when the hair was shorter, the beard disappeared, and he started looking more like your dad.

I still think of him as the baby face kid on those old vinyl record jackets.

I remember making fun of my sister for listening to that garbage, and then playing her 45s over and over again when she wasn't there.

Now you hear songs like "Here Comes The Sun" while the dentist is cleaning your teeth.

And today the generation which has always thought of itself as younger than everybody else -- is being reminded that it isn't. And 58 is old enough for mortality to kick in. 

When he was 24 George Harrison wrote "Within You Without You." He wrote:

We were talking - about the space between us all
And the people - who hide themselves behind a
wall of illusion / Never glimpse the truth - then it's far too late -
when they pass away.

Try to realize it's all within yourself no - one else
can make you change
And to see you're really only very small,
and life flows on within you and without you.

When you've seen beyond yourself - then you
may find, peace of mind is waiting there -
And the time will come when you see
we're all one, and life flows on within you and
without you.

Not only did he write those words, but he taught John Lennon how to play the guitar. Not a bad legacy.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ENRON
Moved: 12/4/2001 8:45
CBS-ENRON 11/30/2001

Where did all that money go? This is DR...

And so now Enron has joined companies like PSINet and Pro Player -- bankrupt companies with stadiums named after them.

How can this be? Enron is the company that gave so generously to the Bush campaign, to the Republican National Committee -- to the inauguration committee - I mean, it was wired in there!

The execs knew ALL the right people.

Enron's CEO was on the president's energy transition team. He attended the president's economic summit.

During the California energy crisis earlier this year, when the blackouts were rolling and the ratepayers were screaming, the president rejected price controls, just as Enron wanted. 

So what happened?

What happened to all that money?

The company made 2.3 billion dollars last year, profits up 42%.

And this year -- well, you remember the stories.

Spot prices for electricity as high as $5,000 per megawatt-hour; compared to $35 before the market went nuts. Energy surcharges at health clubs, hotels, even on restaurant menus. Billions of dollars flowing like a green river from California to Texas.

Where is it? Certainly not in the 401Ks of Enron employees which have disappeared. 

It's all a mystery. One thing though, is not a mystery. The fate of the those refunds that Californians have been suing for. Forget it. That's what bankruptcy is all about. 

And the next time we hear someone complain of GOVERNMENT incompetence, we might remind ourselves of Enron: the private company that managed to go bankrupt selling energy ... in the most energy-hungry nation on earth.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS JOHN WALKER
Moved: 12/4/2001 8:42
CBS-JOHN WALKER 12/04/2001

What will happen to John Walker. This is DR...

John Walker -- also known as Abdul Hamid -- is the American who joined the Taliban, and survived that prison uprising in Masar-i-Sharif.

His Father Frank Lindt is just happy he's alive:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>lindt1
Time: 9s
Title: John Walker's dad
In-cue: Give him a hug
Out-cue: Kick in hte butt]

Really! You join the Taliban, and the only penalty is a kick in the butt from Dad?

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>lindt2
Time: 7s
Title: John Walker Dad
In-cue: John's a good boy
Out-cue: Anything wrong]

Now it's a parent's duty to stick up for a child. But Walker didn't just TALK about joining the Taliban -- he did it.

John Walker trained with Osama bin Laden; he knew about the bombing of the USS Cole, he must have known that Osama had declared war on the United States. 

Had he been kidnapped and forced to join, that would be one thing. But he wasn't. 

What will happen to John Walker? No one is saying. But race, color, and national origin are hardly mitigating circumstances. If he gets a break, as his parents think he should -- then so must every terrorist who is captured in this war. If he's treated as a POW, then THEY must be treated as POWs. If he deserves a full jury trial, so do they. 

The reason prisoners of war get better treatment than common criminals is because most of the time their only crime is being born on the losing side. But John Walker did the dumbest thing you can do in a war -- he deliberately CHOSE the losing side.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ARAFAT
Moved: 12/4/2001 8:42
CBS-ARAFAT 12/04/2001

The bombs get closer. This is DR...

The bombs hit closer to Yasser Arafat today -- three missiles near his West Bank office -- and he accused Israel of trying to undercut his efforts to combat terrorism.

They "don't want me to succeed'' he said. He says Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon ``doesn't want a peace process to start.''

Well that's true. 

It's a little late for it to be STARTING -- it should be wrapping up.

What's happened here is a colossal failure of terrorism as a political tactic. It was supposed to be to get the US to stop supporting Israel. But as I, and others, have been predicting since September 11th, it's having just the opposite effect. 

At a time when WE refuse to tolerate terrorists on the other side of the globe, how can we POSSIBLY tell Israel to tolerate the terrorists next door?

Ariel Sharon is now giving speeches that might have been spoken by President Bush.

But this does change the equation.

The old equation was, you're either with the United States, or you're with the terrorists. The New equation is, you're either with the United States and ISRAEL, or you're with the terrorists. That's the new math. And we know just how much countries like Saudi Arabia and our other temporary allies like learning new things. I hope you're ready to commute on your scooter.

Arafat has committed a leader's biggest sin: losing control. And that's the main difference between the two sides. Israel can control its zealots. The Palestinians CANNOT control theirs.

Yes, both sides kill people. But only ONE side knows how to stop.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GINGER
Moved: 12/3/2001 8:47
CBS-GINGER

It is a scooter. But is America ready for a scooter? This is DR

It looks like a manual push-mower, except that you step on it and ride it.

The mystery invention code-named GINGER or simply "IT" has been unveiled as the "Segway Human Transporter."

And as predicted, it's a scooter, but unlike any scooter you've ever seen.

-- Because it defies gravity. not that it floats... it just refuses to tip. And it definitely SHOULD tip, because it has only one axle and two wheels.

But it doesn't tip because the motors that operate the wheels are computer-controlled. So that when you step on it, they automatically counteract any tendency to tip.

When you lean forward, instead of tipping, the motors accelerate the wheels so the whole thing moves forward while remaining upright. When you lean back, it decelerates to compensate.

So you control it by simply leaning. And since it's programmed never to tip, it'll go up and down ramps, do little pirouettes, work on gravel, through puddles ... 

Dean Kamen invented it because he knows its inefficient for a lone commuter to drive around encased in a ton of metal. The problem is that lone commuters LIKE driving around encased in a ton of metal. They want protection from other commuters. They want stereo. They want anonymity. 

And they don't want to look like they're mowing the lawn.

But the thing works so well that the Post Office will give a few of them to letter carriers, The City of Atlanta will test them downtown. And if we start seeing more of them -- maybe we'll give up the warmth, the quiet, the security of the automobile.

When lawnmowers fly.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ISRAEL
Moved: 12/3/2001 8:47
CBS-ISRAEL 12/03/2001

No more leverage. This is DR...

Israel fired missiles at Yasser Araft's headquarters in Gaza City, in retaliation for the Palestinian suicide bombings against Israelis. Which, in turn, were in retailiation for the Israeli killing of Palestinians, which was in retaliation for earlier bombings -- and back and forth as far back as you want to go.

Remember the story of Samson? Blinded; taken prisoner by his Philistine captors, brought to a ceremony at the temple as part of the entertainment, and you know the rest. It's the Bible's best-known famous suicide attack. The location of that temple -- was Gaza.

Samson killed the entire Philistine leadership when he pulled that temple down. Israel hasn't done that this time, but the future isn't looking good for Yasser Arafat. And those in the Muslim world who thought September 11th ought to get the US to push Israel toward peace -- must be too close to the poppies.

The US might have enjoyed some moral leverage with Israel BEFORE September 11th. We could say -- "Talk. Negotiate. Compromise."

But NOW? We have vowed retaliation against NOT only Osama, but all who export terrorism or harbor terrorists. Yasser Arafat was not mentioned, but have you noticed? The definition of terrorist fits him pretty well.

So what are we going to tell Israel -- "sure you lost a couple of dozen people in suicide bombings over the weekend, but don't retaliate. Leave Arafat alone. He's doing the best he can"?

That would be like knowing Osama had a condo in Jersey City, and telling New York -- "Relax! Give him some space. LET him use the Holland Tunnel."

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS OMNI
Moved: 11/29/2001 13:44
CBS-OMNI 11/23/2001

A HEALTHY cigarette? This is DR:

Maybe you saw the newspaper ad -- a full page ad for a cigarette called OMNI -- with a headline, in big red letters, calling it "The first reduced carcinogen cigarette."

Remarkable for a tobacco ad to mention carcinogens! But it goes further! The ad admits that even these cigarettes are addictive, and could kill you! 

And yet Washington State Attorney General Christine Gregoire says the ad is deceptive:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Gregoire1
Time: 14s
Title: Chris Gregoire
In-cue: The nation's attorney
Out-cue: imply its healthy]

But the ad never actually SAYS it's healthier! No matter, says the A-G: that's what people will think:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Gregoire3
Time: 14s
Title: Chris Gregoire
In-cue: We don't know
Out-cue: just nonsense]

But wait -- the word on smoking has been out for years. Could this ad REALLY fool people?
I put out an APB to see if any listeners saw the ad and thought Omni was actually a healthier cigarette:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Gregoire4
Time: 6s
Title: Caller1
In-cue: I saw the ads
Out-cue: Healthy cigarette]

Not good. But another caller said that when SHE tried an allegedly-safer low tar cigarette -- it actually helped her quit:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Gregoire5
Time: 2s
Title: Caller2
In-cue: They tasted worse
Out-cue: I don't know]

Now there's an ad: "A cigarette so awful, you'll stop after one pack." A marketing campaign even an attorney general could love...

Now this. 

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CLERICS WITH GUNS
Moved: 11/29/2001 10:05
CBS-CLERICS WITH GUNS 11/29/2001

Seeing the light. This is DR...

With the Taliban falling apart, the temptation is to say we won, on to Iraq! But not so fast. What's happened so far is the rout of one set of warlords who have now been replaced by another set of less organized warlords. The so-called Northern Alliance.

The Alliance members have a tendency to squabble among themselves -- and even at the power sharing talks outside Berlin they were putting up some static about an international peace-keeping force.

Apparently they have since relented, and are now willing to consider one.

We'll, that's very open-minded of them.

I get the feeling that some of the Northern Alliance commanders were hoping for a return to the good old days, when politics was simple: whoever had the biggest guns aimed at Kabul got to run it. 

But tell me, my fellow taxpayers -- did we take on the Taliban so we could turn the country over to the very people who screwed it up the last time? 

I don't think so.

The United States isn't in this war to trade one type of chaos for another. And the Northern Alliance had its chance. Not only should they expect international supervision, they should expect a little supervision by the United States Marines too. Especially now that the Northern Alliance is saying it would prefer to be called the United Islamic Front.

Someone needs to remind these guys that they would still be eating beans and rice up in some mountain pass had the United States not taken action. Is this U-S arrogance -- well, all right yes. But in a war, somebody's got to be arrogant, and it might as well be us.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DEFINING TERRORISM
Moved: 11/29/2001 10:05
CBS-DEFINING TERRORISM 11/29/2001

Defining terrorism. This is DR...

While the United States is busy fighting terrorism in Afghanistan, the United Nations is still trying to define what it is.

U-N delegates have been working on a treaty that would once and for all take a firm stand against terrorism -- and you figure, how hard can it be? Maybe BEFORE September 11th a nation could wink at terrorism, but now SURELY every nation will do all it can to stop hijackings, bombings, and the clandestine funding that supports it.

Except for one thing. Not everyone agrees that these things are terrorism. What we call terrorism, you see, might actually be a "liberation movement." And what we call "legitimate military action" might be considered "state sponsored terrorism."

Details, details!

The League of Arab States, for example, thinks that the word "terrorist" should NOT include any group fighting "foreign occupation." So the PLO gets a pass, because they're battling occupation by Israel.

Another problem is this: remember our bombing of Yugoslavia? To save Kosovo from ethnic cleansing. Remember when we bombed the Chinese embassy by accident? Suppose an international court agrees with China that it wasn't an accident? Well then -- under the anti-terrorist treaty, the pilots who dropped the bombs would be terrorists, and would go to trial!

Needless to say, the United States would want its armed forces excluded from the treaty.

But if you exclude armed forces from the treaty, then what about the armed forces of Yugoslavia who terrorized people with ethnic cleansing?

See? This is why there will always be guns.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TORA BORA
Moved: 11/28/2001 8:45
CBS-TORA BORA 11/27/2001

How are things in Tora Bora? This is DR...

You've heard where the local militia thinks he's holed up: in a place called Tora Bora, which means "black dust." It's a series of passages and rooms dug into the top of a 13,000 foot mountain.

It has room for 1000 people, and it's described as "impregnable."

And you know who helped build it? US! I have no doubt THAT's one of the reasons it's considered impregnable -- built by the same people who built NORAD! Who designed the vice president's hiding place. When we design something to be impregnable, woe to all would be pregnators.

At the time, the idea was to give Afghan Freedom Fighters a place where the Soviet Union couldn't get them.

And it worked. The freedom fighters survived ... only to become the Taliban.

A similar thing happened in Iraq. We supported Iraq with military aid when it was fighting Iran, who we disliked more, but then, they took all the stuff we gave them, and threw it in our face. And the same thing with Iran before that. 

After awhile, this gets annoying.

From now on, whenever we support a country by building airstrips or fortresses, we need to build the smart bombs INTO the foundations.

You'd have a series of red buttons in the defense secretary's office. And if a country turns on us... Rumsfeld presses the button, and KABOOM. The airstrip blows up, the cave collapses.

The old Soviet Union understood this concept. When Soviet workers were building the new US embassy in Moscow -- they built the bugs right into the walls. We caught 'em, and ripped out the bugs -- but at least THEY tried. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS STIMULUS
Moved: 11/28/2001 8:45
CBS-STIMULUS 11/28/2001

Stimulate me. This is DR...

Congress is trying to figure out how to stimulate the economy ... a classic contest between spending and tax cuts.

More money in the pocket is always appreciated, of course, but the problem goes beyond that. I don't think tax cuts are the answer, I don't think spending is the answer... I think what we need... are better ADS. I think the problem is we're just BORED. Uninspired. I can't think of a single cool ad on TV right now.

Part of the trouble is we're all watching so much cable news -- and all the ads you see on the news channels are for computers, office phone systems, CD collections of people you thought were dead. Boring.

We don't even get decent sweepstakes mail anymore -- the official-looking envelopes with fake checks? Millions of Americas could at least FEEL rich for a moment. But even the mail is dull. The few times that we actually open it.

I opened my morning newspaper -- biggest ads are for Digital cable installation, cell phones, and wool coats! How much more TV can we watch? How many more ringing pockets do you need? The wool coat I might buy. But it's boring. There's no sense of urgency.

That's the OTHER problem. The ads have all become subdued. Even the car ads are reverent -- as if commercialism was in poor taste or somehow inappropriate.

Nonsense. Commercialism is simply the peaceful exchange of goods and labor. But the process needs lubrication. It needs the stimulus of in-your-face advertising that says YOU NEED THIS NOW, and here's why.

And nothing could be more American.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GRADING PAPERS
Moved: 11/27/2001 8:50
CBS-GRADING PAPERS 11/27/2001

Defining stupidity. This is DR...

The Supreme Court is going to decide whether it is legal to have kids grade each other's papers in class. Huh? How did THIS get to the Supreme Court, you wonder.

I'll tell you. Three years ago, 10 year old Philip -- a special education student -- was put into a mainstream reading class three days a week. And in the mainstream reading class the custom was for students to grade each others papers -- and then call out their own grades to the teacher to be recorded.

But when Philip called out HIS grade -- other students started calling him "stupid."

Red flag number one -- the teacher apparently did nothing to stop the teasing.

Philip's Mom complained. She wrote letter after letter asking for the policy to be changed, asking for an apology.

The school district didn't answer. Red flag number TWO: there's no better way to get a parent angry than to blow off her letters.

So finally, Mom hired an attorney who argued that students who grade each others papers are creating an education RECORD which is therefore entitled to privacy under the Family Education Rights and Privacy Act. And that's how it go to the Supreme Court: stubbornness.

The REAL issue, of course, is whether mainstreaming was the right thing, whether Philip needed more time on the reading tests, whether the kids who called him stupid should have been sent to the office for a little encounter with the board of education.

But instead, the Supreme Court will spill thousands of words defining the term "Educational Record." 

THAT's what I call stupid.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS LUGGAGE
Moved: 11/27/2001 8:50
CBS-LUGGAGE 11/27/2001

Everything under control. This is DR...

Well , know we know what federalizing baggage screening means. Apparently it means that now, instead of local officials making the excuses, it will be FEDERAL officials making the excuses.

Transportation Secretary Norman Mineta says it'll be tough to start screening baggage for explosives within 60 days, as required by law, because there aren't enough security people, and there aren't enough bomb sniffling dogs. And those new automated bomb detection machines? Not enough of them either.

And just matching passengers to their bags isn't enough, because that doesn't prevent the terrorist maniacs who plan on just blowing themselves up.

So there you go. And enjoy your flight!

Hey -- we don't need the transportation secretary telling us there's a problem. I think we know that already.

No... a government that is really serious about security doesn't come out and say "we don't have enough equipment."

What it says is, you people are checking too much luggage.

Which is true.

You look at some of the people in the check in line -- are they all bringing appliances to relatives in Cuba? Some people appear to be moving entire households!

That's what moving vans are for.

A government that is serous about security says: until we get more equipment, you pack two days worth of clothing, and learn to use a laundromat. 

Heck I've washed stuff in the hotel sink. The rest, you just mail ahead.

That should solve the equipment problem. And here's the other thing -- if it doesn't -- and you still find you don't have enough bomb sniffing dogs -- could you try not to announce it to everybody on the planet?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MARINES LAND
Moved: 11/26/2001 9:32
CBS-MARINES LAND 11/26/2001

The end game begins. This is DR.

The news from Kandahar is that the Marines have landed.

They helicoptered in at night from ships to secure an airport south of the city, and soon there will be a thousand more on the ground.

So two and a half months after the attacks on America, the real fight is about to start. This is the one the world is waiting for -- not so much to see if the marines are ready. The marines are always ready. But so see whether the rest of us at home are ready for ground fighting and the prospect of real casualties.

Watch out, the historians say -- it's not as easy as you think, even for a modern fighting force. This is tribal warfare -- fought against an enemy who can melt into the mountains and the caves.

Not that Kandahar is impossible to capture -- it's been done many times.

Alexander the Great did it in the 4th century -- BC. In the 7th century, Arabs conquered it and introduced Islam. The Turks took it in the 10th, Mongols led by Genghis Khan sacked it in the 12th, in the 16th century it became part of the Indian empire, and the British occupied it in the 1800s.

So yes, it can be done. It's just that none of the conquerors -- as historians are quick to point out -- were able to keep it. The tribes always re-emerged and took it back. But maybe THAT's the difference here. For once someone has come to Afghanistan not to TAKE it from the tribes, but to give it BACK to the tribes.

This will be one time where success is measured not by how long we stay, but by how quickly we can leave.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CLONING
Moved: 11/26/2001 9:32
CBS-CLONING 11/26/2001

Another clone story. This is DR...

Researchers at Advanced Cell Technology in Boston are the latest to get the word "CLONE" in the headlines -- with the announcement they had cloned a human embryo.

It turns out what they did was inject DNA into a human egg and got it to divide into eight cells before it died. The reason for the experiment? Because eventually they want to create stem cells and grow them into rejection-proof organs for transplants.

Now -- if it was publicized THAT way: "Scientists one step closer to growing rejection proof organs" who could object to that?

But the word CLONE -- there's just something magical about it. It took only 24 hours to go all the way to the President. "What about the cloning news," a reporter asked him.

-- I'm against it, he said -- fraught with moral hazards.

Because everybody thinks this will not stop with organs; that the real prize is a cloned human being.

Well -- suppose it happens. Suppose someone clones a human being.

As far as I can tell, what that means is... we will have a human being walking around who looks like his mommy once did. Or like his daddy once did. Big whoop.

We've already got test tube kids, we've had a woman in her 60's give birth, we have artificially induced septuplets...

So a kid is a clone! Worse things could happen.

I think the real problem is that men are worried they'll become an unnecessary sex because women won't need us to reproduce.

Don't worry guys -- they'll get lonely eventually. Even if they don't need our genes, they'll beg us just to sit and drink beer in the next room.

Now this. 

This is DR on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS TRAVEL
Moved: 11/26/2001 6:30
CBS-TRAVEL 11/21/2001

Americans take to their cars! This is DR...

Yes, I remember those car trips -- 

It reminds me of that old holiday poem:

Over the river and thru the woods to grandmothers house we go
Last year we flew, but this year we knew the airports would be too slow.

So over the highways and down the roads to grandmother's house we drive
With three cheerful children who seemed more than willing to take a relaxing ride.

Over the bridges and down the ramps we started out on our trip
And it wasn't an hour before things turned sour and the kids began losing their grip.

With each passing marker, their mood became darker, and soon we could hear them complaining.
It's too cold, its too hot, how much longer we got -- and then naturally it began raining.

We're hungry! We're sick! I've got to go, quick -- they would whine, they would sneeze they would cough...
So we made a beeline for the next restaurant sign, since it said EZ-on, EZ-off.

Over the highway and left at the light, for someplace to eat and to sit...
One look at the menu in this lovely venue and we realized that this wasn't it.

'Cause the kids seemed to hate every thing on their plate; even I barely got up the nerve.
But we finally ate, and I pondered the taste ... it was much like the airlines would serve.

Then back to the car, we didn't have far ... we'd see Grandma and she'd be all smiles.
Then a flashing sign said... There was Road Work Ahead, expect slowdowns next 17 miles.

Now over the steel plates and past the cones to Grandmother's house we crawl.
After nine hours of whining, I think I'm deciding... the airports ain't that bad at all.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS I FOUGHT THE MALL
Moved: 11/23/2001 9:16
IFOUGHT.SNG 11/23/01 12:23 AMDLR 0:52 

On the CBS Radio Network, This is DR...

I'm no expert but... the malls look pretty normal to me: 

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>IFoughtTheMall
Time: 86s
Out-cue: ]

I needed a gift for my loved ones

I fought the mall and the mall and the mall won

So I checked the limit on my Visuh

I fought the mall and the mall and the mall won

I tried to find a parking stall, I searched through level one

The level two and three and four

I fought the mall and the mall and the mall won

I fought the mall and the mall and the mall won

Then up on the roof I found one

I fought the mall and the mall and the mall won 

But somebody else saw the same one

I fought the mall and the mall and the mall won 

I knew that I should turn around, I knew that I should run

But I tried like HELL to get there first  (CRASH)

I fought a stressed out mother of four driving a Dodge Durango who was on her second espresso, and who intended to be first in line to buy an XBOX for her son and (VOICE  Don't Even Think About It) She won!

I fought the mall and the mall and the mall won

[Ifought.sq1. "IfoughtTrack" digitally shortened]

~C:\works\files\IFOUGHT.SNG 
Index 

CBS SONG AIRPORT
Moved: 11/23/2001 6:08
CBS-SONG-AIRPORT

Music to travel by. This is DR...

(MUSIC)

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>StandingAtTheAirport
Time: 84s
Out-cue: ]

STANDING.SNG 11/18/01 4:26 PMDLR 0:57 

I checked my bags, before my flight

They took my shoelaces, but that's all right

(FEMALE VOICES) They took our BRAS, but we don't mind

Then some moron jumps the CHECKPOINT;

They turn us all around, and they put us back in line...

Standin' at the airport, watchin' all the planes not fly....

(Thank you for your cooperation)

Standin' at the airport, nobody will tell you why...

(We have coupons here for free nuts)

And now there's no way you're making your connection

But don't get upset, neither will I!

Because we're standin' at the airport watching all the planes,

Better not complain, 

Try to calm your brain

Because you might go to jail for what you're thinking

So kick off your shoes, loosen your tie

You'll find us standin' at the airport, watchin' all the planes,

watchin' all the planes,

watchin' all the planes 

Not FLY.

(At this time we'd like to preevacuate our first class and premier business class passengers)

(And any passengers small children or migraine headaches)

(We remind you that this is a smoke-free airport)

(It's also a passenger-free airport)

~C:\works\files\STANDING.SNG 
Index 

CBS MAKA MINI MART
Moved: 11/22/2001 8:36
CBS-MAKA MINI MART 11/22/2001

Back in business. This is DR...

On November 7th that federal agents, under orders to cut off terrorist money -- fanned out to four cities to close down branches of the Al-Barakaat wire transfer service.

The Seattle branch turned out to be in a corner of the Maka Mini Mart -- run by Abdinasur Ali Nur. He's from Somalia, and his business was Seattle's first Somali grocery store. But the agents didn't know the two businesses were separate. And so, in addition to shutting down the money desk, they emptied the store.

Customs agents took everything. Tuna, toilet paper, the meat slicer -- the MEAT and the refrigerator it was stored in. Loaded into a truck and hauled away, by authority of the President, executive order 13224.

No search warrant, no explanation -- except that the workers explained the fresh meat would be dumped, since it spoils without refrigeration.

I talked to the owner -- he didn't think the US government could just take away somebody's business like that.

So the Somali Community marched, local columists took up the story, I ranted about it on the air, people sent e-mails. And this week, Abdilnasur Ali Nur got a letter from the Treasury Department saying he can have his groceries back.

Most of us are not Somalis, but you have to wonder how this kind of thing makes the Homeland feel more secure.

The Treasury department, is still trying to decide whether to compensate Mr. Nur for the spoiled meat, implying they might not. Guess there could be charges against the meat. None have been disclosed ... but maybe it's a state secret.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS THANKSGIVING
Moved: 11/22/2001 8:36
CBS-THANKSGIVING 11/22/2001

The hidden agenda. This is DR...

Thanksgiving -- like all holidays, is an invention that evolved over time. The original records don't say much -- just that the settlers in the Plymouth Colony had a good harvest that year, and decided to have a pot luck with the local Indians -- the colonists providing the birds, the Indians providing the deer.

It wasn't a particularly religious celebration in the Christian sense because the Indians weren't Christian, and if the colonists had been giving thanks to God, they would more likely have fasted than gorged themselves.

It turns out that Thanksgiving as we know it was created after the first World War -- and carries a hidden agenda.

According to historians at the "Plimouth Plantantion Museum", the Pilgrims were intended serve as examples of a close religious community at a time when the country was worried that children were being raised without basic values. World War I -- which brought death on such an immense scale -- caused a great deal of cynicism. A whole generation's sense of security had been challenged. Sound familiar?

Parents who wanted to teach their children that the world CAN be a secure place -- saw Thanksgiving as a good reason to surround them with family and food.

It was also a time when thousands of immigrants were arriving from Northern and Eastern Europe. The story of a feast where Indians and white people got along was the perfect metaphor for co-existence -- with the understanding, of course, that the Protestant Pilgrims represented the ideal.

So there it is. Part nation building, part therapy.

Oh yeah -- there's turkey too.

Now this. 

This is DR 
Index 

CBS YAAR2
Moved: 11/22/2001 8:29
CBS-YAAR2 11/14/2001

What exactly are we seeing on TV? This is DR...

What IS happening in Afghanistan? Professor Daud Yaar, a cousin of the former King, and a professor at UC Hawyard, is among those who doesn't see a happily-ever-after ending:

Because he knows the occupiers all too well:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Yaar1
Time: 6s
Title: Daud Yaar
In-cue: Yes, these are exactly
Out-cue: 1992-1996]

He thinks that the the United Nations needs to move in -- quickly. And in addition to rebuilding Kabul, it needs to build schools -- a lot of them -- so all those idle young men have something to work on besides marksmanship.

However, time is short. Most Americans may not know who the Northern Alliance is, but Prof. Yaar lived there -- and he knows them by name:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>YAAR3
Time: 21s
Title: Prof Dau Yaar
In-cue: I know these guys
Out-cue: to put it yes.]

Of course the Soviet Union is now gone, and many a communist has turned over a new leaf. But there seems to be one leaf they HAVEN'T turned over. The leaf Osama is hiding under. He thinks they may well know where he is. But don't expect them to tell:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>YAAR4
Time: 10s
Out-cue: ]

It gives them bargaining power, says Professor Yaar. And they may not be geniuses, but they're not stupid.

Now this. This is DR... 
Index 

CBS RETAIL SALES
Moved: 11/22/2001 8:29
CBS-RETAIL SALES 11/14/2001

America rises to yet another challenge. This is DR...

We just saw the retail sales figures for October. They show that when instructed to shop, Americans obey. The experts on Wall Street had been predicting a 2.7% increase. Not even CLOSE. Sales jumped 7.1% -- the strongest sales surge for any month on record.

Car sales -- up 26%.

If the terrorists thought they could keep us out of the showrooms, they were badly mistaken. No wonder they abandoned Kabul.

As one economist commented "it takes an awful lot to stop Americans from spending money."

Several factors get the credit: the income tax rebate, the economic display of patriotism, the possibility that more Americans will be driving instead of flying, but I think by far the most important factor was a little thing we Americans like to call "0% financing." Or, in the vernacular: FREE MONEY.

There's nothing like the feeling of "36 months same as cash."

Of course, if it WAS the zero percent financing, it means that behind all that patriotic spending was a lot of BORROWING -- but that too, in its way, can send an important message.

Our fundamentalist critics overseas have dismissed us as hopelessly materialistic -- and yet, if they look at what happened in October, what they see is the triumph of Islamic law. Many Muslim countries believe that Islam prohibits interest, but all they do is call it something else and charge it anyway.

Well, in America, when we say 0% we mean it.

You overseas anti-American critics need to hear this: by your own rules, America is closer to Islam than you are.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DEATH TOLL
Moved: 11/21/2001 9:01
CBS-DEATH TOLL 11/21/2001

The shrinking death toll. This is DR...

Finally some good news. The number of dead and missing at the World Trade Center has fallen below 3900. It's actually been falling for weeks, and in fact, a more rigorous list kept by the Associated Press, which lists only names that have been independently confirmed as dead or missing, has never risen above 3,000.

The story seems to imply that public officials have been exaggerating. Well, even 3,000 would still be over the top as a terrorist act.

Here's what I do get out of this story. Now we know why the Red Cross was having trouble dispensing money. All that outrage over getting the money to more victims, the Red Cross saying it had only handled requests on behalf of about 3,000 of them -- that in fact may be all there are!

So this great so-called "fraud" that the Red Cross allegedly perpetrated, and the great donor uprising which stampeded the agency into putting its Liberty Fund into a lockbox -- looks more and more like fiction.

High profile incidents have always left the Red Cross with more money than it needed for relief efforts -- because the agency's mission is feed and shelter people until they get back on their feet. It helps until the emergency is over, then prepares for the next emergency.

Some people now think it ought to be an insurance agency.

Next time, be clear.

For donors who want to give directly to individual victims -- and who don't want a penny spent on administration or on preparing for future disasters -- set up bank accounts for the affected families, publish the account numbers, and let donors send them the money directly.

Problem solved.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WOMEN
Moved: 11/20/2001 9:02
CBS-WOMEN 11/20/2001

The secret weapon. This is DR...

There has been a theme lately in the official speeches on Afghanistan. Laura Bush in her radio address talked about it, The President has mentioned it. President Putin of Russia mentioned it. Donald Rumsfeld has talked about it. Colin Powell has talked about it. 

They're all talking about the treatment of Afghan women.

At first I thought this was aimed at the Taliban.

But now I think the message on women is actually intended for the VICTORS -- the warlords who are now taking over.

I think American policy makers have concluded that the key to keeping Afghanistan stable -- is to unwrap the women.

The Koran doesn't require that women wear burkas, but it does acknowledge that the sexual drive of men is stronger than that of women, and so they are called upon to cover themselves. The idea is to keep the male juices from flowing.

Therein lies the strategy.

In a society without female temptation, where women have no sexual power, young men have a lot more time to play with guns.

In societies like ours, young men ALSO have guns, of course, but they also spend a HUGE amount of time looking at women, and then trying to think of something clever to say if they make eye contact.

And if this could be transplanted to Afghanistan, the amount of energy available for tribal warfare would be vastly less.

Reminds me of the old joke about the Garden of Eden. God creates Eve first, but she's lonely, so God says, OK, I'll make you a man, but there's only one way it'll work. What's that says Eve. "You have to let him think he was here first." And one more thing, said God. "We have to keep this a secret between us girls."

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS REWARD
Moved: 11/20/2001 8:44
CBS-REWARD 11/20/2001

Who will hit the jackpot. This is DR...

The price is now $25 million for the capture of Osama and Associates.

The leaflets are fluttering from the skies. Sweepstakes mail from the defense department -- Congratulations! If you can survive the bloodthirsty bodyguards and capture the most dangerous terrorist alive ... You've won $25 million dollars! No purchase necessary!

The Defense Secretary is hoping to unleash the spelunkers.

Although you have to be one brave spelunker to enter a cave in Afghanistan these days.

Which brings up a point. 

What kind of people do you suppose are in this hunt? Who's got the hormones to grab the world's most wanted man? A brigade of vengeful kite merchants? A brigade of liberated burka-burning women? They may have the motivation, but it won't be them. 

It'll have to be a gang of machine-gun-toting, bandoleer-wearing, knife-at-the-hip bounty hunters who eat their goat meat raw. The kind of people that even a BAD security screener would notice.

You need someone who knows the country, who knows the caves, who knows where the land mines are, who can dodge the friendly bombs and the unfriendly bandits.

What you need -- is a terrorist. 

THAT's who's most likely to catch him -- a cell of turncoat terrorists.

Oh, they wouldn't call themselves that at the press conference when they're handed the oversize check and shake hands for the cameras -- but who ELSE is going to get him?

All I'm saying is -- I hope we're selective about who we give the $25 million to.

You can buy a lot of flight lessons with that kind of money.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS WOMEN
Moved: 11/20/2001 8:44
CBS-WOMEN

The secret weapon. This is DR...

There has been a theme lately in the official speeches on Afghanistan. Laura Bush in her radio address talked about it, The President has mentioned it. President Putin of Russia mentioned it. Donald Rumsfeld has talked about it. Colin Powell has talked about it. 

They're all talking about the treatment of Afghan women.

At first I thought this was aimed at the Taliban.

But now I think the message on women is actually intended for the VICTORS -- the warlords who are now taking over.

I think American policy makers have concluded that the key to keeping Afghanistan stable -- is to unwrap the women.

The Koran doesn't require that women wear burkas, but it does acknowledge that the sexual drive of men is stronger than that of women, and so they are called upon to cover themselves. The idea is to keep the male juices from flowing.

Therein lies the strategy.

In a society without female temptation, where women have no sexual power, young men have a lot more time to play with guns.

In societies like ours, young men ALSO have guns, of course, but they also spend a HUGE amount of time looking at women, and then trying to think of something clever to say if they make eye contact.

And if this could be transplanted to Afghanistan, the amount of energy available for tribal warfare would be vastly less.

Reminds me of the old joke about the Garden of Eden. God creates Eve first, but she's lonely, so God says, OK, I'll make you a man, but there's only one way it'll work. What's that says Eve. "You have to let him think he was here first." And one more thing, said God. "We have to keep this a secret between us girls."

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS SNOOKERED
Moved: 11/19/2001 10:03
CBS-SNOOKERED 11/19/2001

The Taliban get snookered? This is DR...

You've heard the story about the Taliban nuclear documents found in Kabul? It was pretty frightening -- British journalists rummaging through a Taliban office in Kabul found maps, chemical formulas and -- most frightening of all -- rough plans for a nuclear bomb.

You probably saw some quick shots of the documents on the news -- someone had tried to burn the evidence, so they weren't completely legible. But when the fragments were televised, Marc Abrahams of Cambridge, Massachusetts recognized them immediately. Marc is editor of a magazine called the Annals of Improbable Research, and also used to be editor of the Journal of Irreproducible Results.

And he says one of the documents the British Journalist displayed -- was from that Journal.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Marc2
Time: 11s
Title: Marc Abrams
In-cue: The document
Out-cue: humor in 1979]

The article has been circulating on the Internet for about 15 years now -- but it's a PARODY. It's a JOKE. 

And anyone who read more than a few lines would realize that. If he understood English. And geek humor:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Marc3
Time: 11s
Title: Marc Abrams
In-cue: And it tells you
Out-cue: Do things like that]

Among the listed ingredients -- in addition to plutonium... crazy glue, and PLAY DOUGH.

Which could help explain why the Taliban are losing so badly.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Marc1
Time: 3s
Title: Marc Abraham
In-cue: Maybe the play dough
Out-cue: who knows]

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS WHO'S IN CHARGE
Moved: 11/16/2001 9:51
CBS-WHO'S IN CHARGE 11/15/2001

Look who's back. This is DR...

The Associated Press ran a helpful list of who now runs Afghanistan, and it turns out to be... the warlords that controlled it when the Taliban took over in 1996.

For example, in KABUL, the man to see if you want something done is likely to be Burhanuddin Rabbani, president of Afghanistan's from 92-96. It was during his presidency that rival factions killed about 50,000 civilians and turned half the city to rubble.

In MAZAR-E-SHARIF, Rashid Dostum has the biggest office.
He's a former general in the communist Afghan army. They're best known for looting and pillaging -- and indeed the UN has already reported considerable looting. No report yet on pillaging, but I expect it will considerable too.

In HERAT -- Ismail Khan should be at the top of the contact list. He's known for fighting the Soviets in the 1980s, but is known for ruling as he sees fit.

And in JALALABAD, you'll want to take Yunus Khalis to lunch. He also led guerilla fighters against the Soviets, then made peace with the Taliban. He is described as deeply conservative, a friend of Arab militants, and anti-Western. Residents will tell you that he once hosted 1,000 Arab warriors at his farm.

But let's not be too quick to judge. They may have changed now that they see what a daisy cutter can do.

And maybe, as a result of that re-education, they'll choose representatives who will hold debates, define their differences, lock themselves in a room, and create a constitutional republic.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS UNEMPLOYMENT
Moved: 11/16/2001 8:48
CBS-UNEMPLOYMENT 11/15/2001

Defying the recession. This is DR...

With unemployment up, I put out the APB for people who have managed to GET hired, even in this tough economy.

First, a truck driver, on the importance of following up after you send the resume:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>job2
Time: 14s
Title: truck driver
Out-cue: ended up getting the job]

But there may be another secret to getting your resume noticed:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>job5
Time: 9s
Title: resume color
In-cue: what works
Out-cue: grey blue]

But this construction worker skips the resume entirely, and just walks up to to a job site with an offer NO contractor can refuse:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>job3
Time: 13s
Title: const worker
Out-cue: always gotten paid]

He's been doing it for 15 years. Longest he's been out of work is a week - the week of September 11th.

And then there was Tom who decided to take his dad's advice:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>job7
Time: 5s
Title: plumber
In-cue: and that's why Tom's a plumber
Out-cue: ]

And that's why Tom became a PLUMBER:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>job6
Time: 3s
Title: plumber
Out-cue: people appreciate it]

He can't stop the phone from ringing:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>job8
Time: 5s
Title: plumber
In-cue: its amazing
Out-cue: use me]

Back to work Tom.

Now this. This is DR. 
Index 

CBS SECURITY
Moved: 11/16/2001 8:48
CBS-SECURITY 11/16/2001

The OTHER threat to the airlines: This is DR...

Trained federal bag checkers, stronger cockpit doors, sky marshals ... and all for an extra $5 a ticket. Sounds like a good deal.

PLUS you have United training its pilots to use stun guns -- it's starting to look like we're serious.

But if America really IS serious about airport security, there is one final threat to address. Inconvenience.

Inconvenience? What do you mean inconvenience? How is inconvenience a threat to airport security?

Here's how. Americans will put up with a lot. But they will NOT put up with spending hours in line every time they fly. Oh they may be willing NOW -- but it gets old. The spirit of sacrifice fades.

Tuesday at Seattle's Sea-Tac airport... a food service employee -- wearing a badge -- mistakenly thought she could scoot past the security check. Because she was out of sight for ten minutes, airport officials decided everyone had to be re-checked.

So on the local news, you saw 7000 people jammed into the ticketing area because no one intercepted this one woman. For a frequent flier -- there's no greater disincentive to fly than TV pictures of 7000 people missing their appointments. This kind of thing may stop hijackings, but it'll also kill the airline business.

So don't just hire competent screeners -- hire LOTS of competent screeners. Don't just buy one or two x-ray machines, buy LOTS of them. Don't be like the grocery store that waits until there are eighty people in line before calling another cashier!

DO it right.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FOOD
Moved: 11/16/2001 8:48
CBS-FOOD 11/16/2001

Loving the infidels. This is DR...

Osama's number two man is dead, and Osama himself is quoted as saying "You'll never get me alive" -- so I guess we're all on the same page.

And as Osama sprints from cave to cave... another weapon is moving in.

US and British units are preparing to bombard an airport near Kabul ... with food.

The International Red Cross is already on the move, and the UN has huge stockpiles ready to go.

Afghanistan is about to be flooded with Western aid -- and I hope that aid arrives with a ferocity never before seen -- for two reasons: number one, there are millions of people who need to be fed, and it's the right thing to do. And number two, because, it would shut-up the critics.

They could ridicule peanut butter from the sky... but let's see them ridicule this.

Let's see them ridicule a relief effort which was sabotaged by the Taliban, and is possible now ONLY because the United States decimated them.

I'm sure the radical Imams will try to spin it -- God will give us our revenge against the infidels they'll say. But then, how to explain the pictures... of so many people who seem all too happy that the infidels prevailed.

If you're in the business of setting up terrorist cells, that's GOT to be bad for recruiting.

Number 1 -- Afghanistan isn't being flattened, it is being fed.
Number 2 -- your revered leader is running out of caves.
Number 3 -- the people of Afghanistan LIKE to fly kites.

How do you recruit with that?

Join al Qaida -- become hated by the people you thought you were saving, then die!

Good luck.

Now this.

This is DR 
Index 

CBS SKY MARSHALL
Moved: 11/15/2001 8:58
CBS-SKY MARSHALL 11/15/2001

How many times do we have to go over this? This is DR...

This week, two sky marshals tackled a passenger who headed toward the cockpit when he shouldn't have.

Now, the rule is -- that on approach to Reagan National, you must remain in your seat for the last half hour of the flight. 

The flight attendants announce this over the PA.

But Monday, on a flight from Pittsburgh to Washington, one 33 year old passenger didn't get the word, and 15 minutes before landing, he got up and started walking toward the cockpit. The two federal sky marshals seated up there saw him coming. One drew a gun, and they ordered him to go face down in the aisle. 

He complied immediately, and according to a passenger who talked to the Washington Post, kept apologizing, saying all he wanted to do was go to the bathroom.

But the sky marshals weren't buying that story -- and ordered the other 106 passengers to put their hands on the seats in front to keep them in view while the flight was diverted to Dulles.

The FBI and charged the man with interfering with a flight crew. However, upon investigation, however, they found he was a lawyer at the Environmental protection agency who really DID have to go to the bathroom -- and they let him go. He will, however, have to answer a charge of misdemeanor drug possession, after something appearing to be marijuana was discovered.

I guess we have to go over the rules again. No knives, no nail clippers, no jokes, no going to the bathroom, and people, I know it's tough to get mellow, but this is not the time to fly stoned.

Now this... 
Index 

CBS RED CROSS
Moved: 11/15/2001 8:58
CBS-RED CROSS 11/15/2001

The Red Cross sets up a lock box. This is DR....

When Americans wanted to do something for the victims of the World Trade Center, the Red Cross set up the Liberty Fund -- a separate account which was defined as follows:

"To help people affected by the September 11th attacks, its aftermath, and other terrorist events that could occur in the near future."

To Red Cross officials, that meant buying a equipment to freeze blood, and setting up a reserve fund in case of another wave of attacks, IN ADDITION to hELPING the victims' families.

But to many donors, commentators, and the New York Attorney General, it meant handing checks to the victims families, PERIOD. And the Red Cross got slammed. 

For a while the charity tried to defend itself, pointing out that part of its congressional charter is to prepare for future emergencies as well as respond to present ones. 

But no matter -- suddenly the Red Cross itself was hemorrhaging.

So now it will do as the critics demanded. Set up a lock-box: money from the Liberty Fund goes to the victims families and nowhere else. Their living expenses will be paid for at least a year, including tuition and mental health counseling. And no matter what happens in the next few weeks or months, the money will remain separate.

Keep that in mind. Because the Vice President himself warns of another attack if bin Laden is killed.

And If that happens, it means we must all be prepared to give to the Red Cross again --- no matter how much money is left in the Liberty Fund.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. 
Index 

CBS KABUL2
Moved: 11/13/2001 8:52
CBS-KABUL2 11/13/2001

What we've learned. This is DR..

The experts were clearly caught off guard by the quick fall of Kabul.

We've learned a few things here. First -- bombing works. Everybody thought it was going too slowly, that the Taliban perhaps were bomb-proof. But clearly they were NOT able to hide.

Seeing the Northern Alliance tanks approaching the gates of the city, they decided to leave.

Which demonstrates something else -- the limits of martyrdom. Maybe the rules are different when you're facing death at the hands of fellow Muslims -- but whatever the reason, the fierce house-to-house fighting we were warned could happen -- didn't.

We've also learned something about our allies on the ground. They are NOT part of the US chain of command. Because the President issued a clear statement that they should wait until a peacekeeping force is ready and that until then they should not take Kabul. 

Of course you know how hard it is to hear an order "not to take Kabul" over one of those field telephones -- especially when you're in the middle of a cheering crowd in downtown Kabul.

All of these things look GREAT on TV, and could not have come at a better time. Stock market seems to agree.

But that brings me to the one thing we HAVEN'T learned.

Logically, with the capital taken the war should be won -- and yet we can't declare victory and go home, because the one thing we haven't learned is the location of you-know-who.

This makes it much easier to find him, but he hasn't surrendered yet. It's one of those cases where the end of the war is the beginning of the battle.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS KABUL FALLS
Moved: 11/13/2001 8:52
CBS-KABUL FALLS 11/13/2001

The map changes again. This is DR...

Two months and two days after September 11th, Kabul has fallen. It came quickly, and it came despite a clear warning from the United States that the Northern Alliance must stop at the gates and not take the city.

Well, they were happy to get our air support, but they politely ignored the strategic advice. And so far, it looks like the liberation of Kuwait -- cheering crowds, music on the radio, lines at the barber, and shooting -- not all of it into the air, as the bodies of Taliban supporters in the parks and alleys attest.

What no one wants to think about right now is that the new bosses in town are in fact the old bosses -- and the last time they ran Kabul, they fought each other so fiercely it was the TALIBAN that people welcomed as their rescuers. 

And there's the other problem: the clean shaven-crowds are shouting not only "death to the Taliban," but "Death to Pakistan." That's ALSO not in the US script. 

A BBC reporter who talked with Northern Alliance commanders describes them as sensible men who want to keep western support, and therefore won't do anything crazy. Well, we're about to see just HOW sensible they are -- because now that they've won, what they're going to be asked to do next is -- GIVE UP. They're going to be asked to give up power to some sort of UN coalition which includes Pakistan.

They'll be reminded of their debt to the US and Britain, and told that it is time to do the responsible thing and yield to peacekeepers who did NONE of the ground fighting. So thank you, and good bye.

And by the way, while we're on the subject -- have any of you guys seen Osama?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SECURITY
Moved: 11/12/2001 9:37
CBS-SECURITY 11/12/2001

What we DO know. This is DR...

As the investigation of today's crash begins, we do know this: airport security is still in the hands of private firms hiring people for $7 an hour, in competition with burger restaurants.

Their training consists of a video and turnover can be 100% a year -- which means the people who checked you out today very likely just started.

Not that NOTHING has changed. A few things have.

Argenbreit security, with the lion's share of the business, just removed founder Frank A. Argenbright Jr., from the board of directors and replaced him as chief executive.

And raises have been passed out -- their airport screeners now make $11 an hour.

And even though the House and Senate can't agree on airport security legislation, the firm will comply with the requirment in both bills of 40 hours of classroom training, and 60 hours of on the job training.

The company will also put a second person at its X-ray machines, with orders to hand -- search any item the X-rays can't penetrate.

And if any item -- knife, or nail file -- is confiscated, carry-on bags will get a full search.

Do you notice something about all this?

Two months after September 11th, we're still improvising. There is still NO organized nationwide approach to revamping airport security, only private companies doing whatever they can come up with to respond to the last headline -- and of course, national guard troops standing there watching them.

So now what will happen.

Well, if today's crash turns out to be an accident, my guess is probably nothing.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CRASH
Moved: 11/12/2001 9:37
CBS-CRASH 11/12/2001

Accident. This is DR...

No one wants to jump to conclusions. All of us who work in the media want to stress that there are many possibilities.

During the first few minutes after the crash, when everybody thought the plane had crashed on APPROACH to JFK, the speculation was about what might go wrong as a plan is attempting to land. How it's a tricky approach. How the crew might be tired. How this could happen even on a perfect day. At 9:15 in the morning.

And then the reports changed. We were told it was an OUTBOUND flight -- that had just taken off from JFK bound for Santo Domingo in the Dominican Republic.

And so we heard about the problems that can happen on takeoff. Sudden engine failure. Birds.

Eyewitnesses say the left side of the plane was on fire -- and the engine actually DID fall a few blocks away from the fuselage -- which all seems to point to one conclusion:

Accident. 

Sometimes these things happen - that on a sunny day at 9:15 in New York City a fully loaded American Airlines plane loses an engine and goes down. 

Accident.

And if you look at a map, the crash site is on a straight line four miles from the edge of the runway. And the Pentagon says there were no distress calls. And security at JFK is tight -- so...

Accident.

But are ANY of us REALLY thinking "accident?" Oh, we're trying. But I don't think we will ever again think... "accident".

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CONTRACTION
Moved: 11/9/2001 14:14
CBS-CONTRACTION 11/9/2001

Honey, I shrunk the league. This is DR...

This week, the baseball owners voted 28-2 to disband two teams. Won't say which ones, but everybody assumes they'll be Minnesota and Montreal, who will be executed for the sin of having low payrolls.

They call it contraction. Contraction -- as in labor pains. Because the players union plans to fight it. Closing two teams means losing 50 high paying jobs, and they're enraged.

Enraged players! Right!

How about enraged taxpayers!

You see, when baseball contracts, it will pay the owners of the contracted teams handsome sums of money to go away.

As much as 250 million per team!

Reminds me of when the government paid to keep crops out of production.

$250 million NOT to play.

How come this money exists when its time to create LESS baseball, but is so hard to find when it's time to build a stadium?

I think that's why they're not naming the teams yet, in hopes scared public officials will offer more skyboxes as ransom.

I'm surprised they're only contracting teams. I figure it'd be even more efficient to contract BASES. Get rid of third base -- it's just the base you run by on the way home -- you could finish the games faster and get longer commercial breaks.

I know this -- if one of those contracted teams ends up leaving a publicly-financed stadium UNUSED, the taxpayers should be repaid before any owner sees a penny.

And if not, then those justice department anti-monopoly lawyers who were working on the Microsoft case, and now have all that extra spare time -- I say we give them something else to do.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS STIMULATION
Moved: 11/9/2001 14:14
CBS-STIMULATION 11/9/2001

Looking for stimulation. This is DR...

A senate committee has approved a $66.4 billion plan to stimulate the economy. It was sponsored by democrats, approved by a one-vote democratic majority, and relies on government spending to get people back to work.

So on the Democratic side, Sen. Robert Torricelli, D-N.J., got $7 billion in bonds for Amtrak high-speed rail projects.

Farm-state senators got $200 million for government purchase of farm products ``that have experienced low prices'' including apples, asparagus, bell peppers, pears, pumpkins and strawberries.

There's another $3 billion to clear a backlog of rural development projects such as wastewater plants, $3 million to exempt crop dusters from excise taxes, a $10 million break for citrus growers and a $25 million sugar beet disaster program.

This is all destined to run head-on to a Republican plan passed by the House which will rely on TAX CUTS to get people back to work.

The proposed tax breaks in the House bill would give I.B.M. $1.4 billion, General Motors $832 million, and General Electric $671 million.

In that speech last night - didn't the President say we were all in this together? That the world was wrong to think of America as a bunch of shallow, materialist consumers who care only about getting rich or getting ahead?

Didn't the first Lady in her speech say the era of self-absorption was over? Somebody rush those transcripts to capitol hill.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS EAVESDROPPING
Moved: 11/9/2001 14:14
CBS-EAVESDROPPING 11/09/2001

The better to hear you with. This is DR...

Attorney General Ashcroft has approved a new rule which lets government agents eavesdrop on conversations between jailed suspects and their attorneys -- whenever it's considered necessary to prevent violence or terrorism.

All the attorney general has to do is certify that "reasonable suspicion exists to believe that an inmate may use communications with attorneys or their agents to facilitate acts of terrorism." 

The government says none of the information will be disclosed to prosecutors without a judge's permission, we're only looking for information that will help stop terrorist attacks and -- here's the remarkable part -- we'll notify you when we're listening.

So yes they will monitor conversations, but notify the attorney when they do.

An ACLU official called it "a terrifying precedent." The head of the National Association of Criminal Defense Lawyers, called it "an abomination" -- a breach of lawyer-client confidentiality.

The ACLU and the others are worried about breaking confidentiality.

But if you're notifying the attorney of the eavesdropping, how could the purpose be to actually pick up evidence?

What do you suppose a suspect is going to do when he knows the on-air light is on? Spell out the details of an attack? No. If anything he's say "Attack? What attack! I know nothing about any attack."

What it WOULD do is make it very difficult for an attorney who was in cahoots with a terrorist client to pass along a signal of some kind.

And if there are any attorneys who are doing that -- then THAT's the abomination..

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ORDER #13224
Moved: 11/9/2001 14:14
CBS-HAWALAS 11/09/2001

Executive order 13224. This is DR...

Executive order 13224 is the order issued by the President September 24th, which allows the US government to freeze the assets of any business supporting terrorism.

This week, a few US cities saw up-close just what that means. We saw it here in Seattle, where a building housing the Barakat wire transfer service was raided.

Barakat is part of the al-Barakat network, which the treasury department says skims off money to finance Osama bin Laden.

But the Somali immigrants who used the office here in Seattle say they don't know anything about that -- all they know is that they needed a way to send money to relatives back home, and Barakat wire transfer did it quickly and cheaply. 

One man who called me said he used it to send $100 a week to his relatives in Somalia, The money always arrived, he said.

Somali customers also want to know why a clothing shop, a travel agency, and a grocery store in the same building were shut down. The Maka Mini Mart and Halal Meats was Seattle's first Somali grocery store -- Wednesday a truck pulled up and emptied the shelves under the supervision of government agents. Now it's empty - everything from boxes of tuna to dinner rolls, and toilet paper - loaded into the truck and taken away, as federal agents looked on. Nobody was arrested. And when a reporter asked one of the laborers loading the truck where the food would be going, the answer was -- to the dump.

Presumably by authority of executive order 13224.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS ANTI HOAX
Moved: 11/9/2001 8:50
CBS-ANTI-HOAX 11/08/2001

When is a hoax illegal? This is DR...

Prosecutors and investigators in the Justice Department want to crack down on terrorist hoaxes. There have been more than 10,000 anthrax hoaxes investigated and its taking timer, and costing money.

So Rep Lamar Smith of Texas has proposed the Anti-Hoax Terrorism Act of 2001. This would make any hoax related to a biological, chemical, or nuclear attack a felony, and punishable by up to five years in prison, fines, and restitution of all costs involved.

And you can certainly understand the need to prevent these little jokes -- which aren't jokes at all to the victims. For a while there we were in an environment where a little Non-dairy creamer in the wrong place could send everybody home.

But the anthrax attack is over. The death toll stands at four.

And if we start a crusade against hoaxes, along with the crusade against knife-carryers at airports, visa violations, people who take pictures of tall buildings -- where are we going to get the investigators to go after the actual terrorists?

Remember them? They're about the only people who HAVEN'T been arrested. We were told about all these terrorist cells in America, and they have, I believe, three suspects!

If some lame-brain plays a joke, he should be fired, or thrown in the shower, but please don't give the FBI anything else to do.

Besides, if we're not very careful about the wording of a hoax law -- there's an awful lot of scary talking coming from members of the administration about a nuclear attack. And there was that little matter of an impending attack on suspension bridges that turned out not to be true.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BLANKS EXPLOSIVES
Moved: 11/9/2001 8:50
CBS-BLANKS-AIRLINES 11/08/2001

And now -- it's time to Fill in the Blanks. This is DR...

Here it is, Fill In The Blanks, where I read a story that you've heard way too many times, and you get the chance to play along at home by simply filling in the ... BLANKS.

Today's subject. Scolding the Airlines.

At a Senate hearing Wednesday, Senators scolded airline executives for not doing enough to improve... SAFETY.

Sen. Herb Kohl faulted airlines for not ensuring that a passenger who checks luggage actually ...GETS ON THE FLIGHT. 

Airline executives say that making sure that checked bags always accompany their owners is logistically ...IMPOSSIBLE. To which most airline passengers would say... DUH! Yeah.

Sen. Kohl also noted that checked bags are not routinely screened for ...EXPLOSIVES. 

The airlines aren't concerned, as long as you packed them ...YOURSELF. 

That's because most problems are caused by ...OTHER PEOPLE'S EXPLOSIVES.

But Senator Kohl kept pointing out that there is really no system in place to stop terrorists from checking bags with ...EXPLOSIVES.

And airline executives agreed there is no guaranteed way to stop someone from checking ... EXPLOSIVES.

As for the rest of us, we wish everybody would please ...SHUT UP ABOUT THE EXPLOSIVES. Right.

Airports could install machines that detect explosives, but Congress is worried that the machines might ...JOIN UNIONS.

Instead Congress will probably call up more ...NATIONAL GUARD TROOPS. Who have been carefully trained to STAND IN ONE PLACE and ...HOPE NOTHING HAPPENS.

By the way, radio commentaries like this are why pilots always warn you during taxiing to turn off all ... LISTENING DEVICES. Yes.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MARIJUANA
Moved: 11/7/2001 8:49
CBS-MARIJUANA 11/07/2001

Rooting out the evil doers. This is Dave Ross....

I don't know if this is good news or not. 

Dateline SAN FRANCISCO: Federal agents searched the Los Angeles Cannabis Resource Center on Oct. 22, seizing computers, financial documents, 400 marijuana plants and the medical records of some 3,000 current and former patients.

The DEA also seized thousands of records on Sept. 28 from the California Medical Research Center in what was portrayed as an investigation into alleged marijuana distribution.

That's the news dispatch on the AP today.

What's going on here is that the federal government has never acquiesced to the medical marijuana movement in California, and clearly is not going to let some terrorist attack distract its agents from their crusade to keep people from getting high. 

Now on one level, I guess this is good because it shows that the Drug Enforcement Administration is heeding the president's request to get back to normal. 

These are dedicated people just doing their duty.

But I wonder -- here we have this drug enforcement administration -- these highly trained detectives -- going after, well, gardeners, basically. Oh, I know what they're growing is EVIL.

But frankly, nobody's scared of pot anymore. It's easy to avoid. If you opened an envelope and pot came flying out, you could vacuum it up and go back to work.

If the DEA wants to look for hidden stuff, how about hanging around airports?

Now if the pot smokers are terrorists, fine. Although frankly the more terrorists who are stoned, the better.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS BRIDGES
Moved: 11/7/2001 8:49
CBS-BRIDGES 11/07/2001

Following the money. This is DR...

The news is good today. Italy, Germany, and other countries are pledging troops to the war effort. Anti-Taliban troops have moved up thanks to US bombs.

The FBI now says that its warning of an impending attack on a bridge was not credible.

What the terrorist actually said was "I'm getting a snack from the fridge," or something, I don't know, but it's good to have one less thing to worry about.

The anthrax scare is evaporating. The Post Office will deliver the mail to capitol hill starting tomorrow -- all of it sanitized. You could eat your lunch off it.

And more countries are cooperating with the freeze on terrorist assets.

Looking at all this it's tempting to think we can come out from under the desk. But I fear the bad guys may still have a few bucks up their sleeve.

On this freezing of terrorist money... did you read how these cash transfers work? There's no cash actually transferred. 

Somebody goes into a storefront on Side Street USA with $1000 and says I want to send this to so-and-so in country X. The guy behind the counter takes the money, collects his fee, and makes a call to a guy behind a counter in country X. He gives a code word -- "Rosebud" -- which means "give so-and-so a thousand dollars."

No need to actually send the money, because eventually a call will come from country X to give a thousand dollars to someone in the US, and the books will balance. It's all based on trust, with nary a computer involved.

If we can barely catch a guy who gets seven knives past a metal detector, how will we stop transactions based on a wink and a nod?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS COMMUNISM
Moved: 11/6/2001 8:54
CBS-COMMUNISM 11/0/2001

Global Ambitions. This is DR...

Polls show that Americans are fully behind the President, and are determined to neutralize the terrorists responsible for September 11. But so far, our understanding of the enemy is that they hide in caves -- caves which we are methodically blowing up.

And that the rest are sitting in jail cells undergoing very lengthy questioning.

Now however, President Bush is starting to describe these terrorists a little differently. He delivered a satellite address to officials from Eastern Europe today, and in that address, he said Afghanistan's regime had ``mad global ambitions'' which he compared to the old Soviet Union.

The President recited a litany of Taliban excesses: They kill, then rejoice over the murders; the wrap their women; they forbid children to sing songs or build snowmen.

All true. But then he went on to say that "Given the means, our enemies would be a threat to every nation; and, eventually, to civilization itself."

Yikes! I knew they were fierce fighters, but I thought they were hunkered down in caves. I read a description of the government telecommunications ministry in Kabul -- where the CLOCKS don't even work.

The President makes it sound like they're a step away from getting the launch codes.

And then -- while the President is turning the Taliban into the new evil empire, Defense Secretary Rumsfeld is in India, reassuring everybody that the war might be over in a matter of months. This, just a week after he told reporters at the Pentagon that it could take years.

Maybe it's all disinformation designed to keep Osama off balance. It's sure working on me!

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS BLANKS SECURITY
Moved: 11/6/2001 8:54
CBS-BLANKS-SECURITY 11/06/2001
[Audio copy in AV: ROSSBLANKS3]

And now -- it's time to Fill in the Blanks. This is DR...

Here it is, Fill In The Blanks, where I read a story that you've heard way too many times, and you get the chance to play along at home by simply filling in the ... BLANKS.

Today's subject. Airport Security. Dateline Chicago:

There has been another breach in AIRPORT SECURITY. In a way, that's good news, because it has nothing to do with ANTHRAX.

In this latest breach of security, a man was able to get to the gate even though his carry-on bag contained many KNIVES. Nobody thought he was a problem, because when they asked him if packed his own bags, he answered YES.

The knives did go through the X-RAY SCANNER. But all that did was KILL THE ANTHRAX.

Security personnel aren't taught to identify knives, unless they see the blades POKING THROUGH THE BAG. The problem is that the x-ray machines at O'Hare are programmed to display RERUNS OF THE DUKES OF HAZZARD.

However, the private firm in charge of airport security says the workers will be fired only if the investigation shows WRONGDOING.

Because it could very well be that letting a guy with knives on a plane might be an example of RIGHTDOING.

As the suspended workers were led away, a passenger was seen getting on a plane carrying a RIDING LAWNMOWER.

This story did not make the front page of the newspaper because it does not contain the word ANTHRAX.

Meantime, the government has promised even greater RESOLVE, by requiring private security firms to hire even more workers who are totally CLUELESS.

As for the rest of us, the government urges us to continue leading NORMAL LIVES. Which means wearing RUBBER GLOVES, never crossing a BRIDGE, and teaching ourselves how to cut our meat WITH SPOONS.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS KNIVES SLOW
Moved: 11/5/2001 13:57
CBS-SLOW-KNIVES 11/5/2001

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

DATELINE CHICAGO: Seven bag checkers at O'Hare in Chicago have been fired for letting a passenger slip through security with seven knives and a stun gun.

Security checkers DID confiscate two FOLDING knives at the metal detector, but the man's carry-on luggage made it through the x-ray machines with a can of mace, a stun gun, and seven knives.

The contents were discovered thanks to a random check just before the gate. The suspect, Subash Gurung, a native of Nepal, had a one-way ticket to go to Omaha, and gave an address that matches the home address of Ayub Ali Khan, one of two men with box cutters arrested as material witnesses on an Amtrak train September 12.

Mr. Gurung explained that he was in a hurry.

OK... let's take that REAL SLOW:

"Seven knives and a stun gun... same address as a guy arrested with a box cutter ... he explained he was IN A HURRY"

So, just not thinking, I guess. Just happens to be carrying seven knives ... because he... needed something that could actually CUT the Salisbury Steak? But that wouldn't explain the stun gun. Wait -- he needed to STUN the Salisbury steak BEFORE cutting it. THAT's it. 

You see, the news always makes more sense when you read it real slow.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ANTHRAX in AMERICA
Moved: 11/5/2001 13:56
CBS-ANTHRAX in AMERICA

Commentary in America. This is DR...

Every angle of the terrorism story has a title now. All the networks are doing this, but CNN in particular has named everything with a title that usually includes the word America.

America on Alert. America Recovers. America Strikes Back. America Speaks Out. America's New War -- in a type face that looks like it's been hacked by a machete. Terrorism is America.

The coverage of the World Series was named Spirit of America! I suppose... except the Diamondbacks ruined the storybook ending! How about America Finally Pays Attention to Baseball for a Night. Too long.

But there is one news title that's really beginning to drive me nuts.

"Anthrax in America"

"Anthrax in America"

It sounds like the whole country is suddenly contaminated.

I know this is a tragic story, four people have died -- but Anthrax in America makes it sound like the whole country is dodging spores.

Now a title like "Heart attacks in America" would be OK, because they kill hundreds of thousands of people. "Killer Cigarettes in America" -- also perfectly appropriate.

But Anthrax in America... 

As a TV watching American, with family members who are now thinking of wearing gloves all the time, all I'd ask is that the titles be more ACCURATE.

Instead of Anthrax in America, "Anthrax On A Few Envelopes in a few offices in America." It's a little long, but there's so much text on the screen these days you can't see the pictures anymore anyway.

In cold military terms, anthrax would be one of the enemy's less effective tactics, if it weren't for the graphics.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SILLY QUESTIONS
Moved: 11/2/2001 11:57
CBS-SILLY QUESTIONS 11/02/2001

Enquiring minds would rather NOT know. This is DR...

There are indications -- my e-mails for example -- that some Americans are getting impatient NOT with the war effort, but with some of the silly questions reporters are asking ABOUT it.

I remember one particular exchange at a defense department briefing over the precise definition of carpet bombing, where it seemed like the reporter was more eager to display his knowledge of the subject than learn anything from the hapless Admiral Stufflebeem... the man who had the nerve to take on that cherished cable institution, the retired general with a digital pen.

So I asked listeners what THEY would like to ask at the White House briefings. They came up with some questions I hadn't thought of:

#1: Of the approximately 40,000 Taliban, how many do you think are left?

#2: Of the 1000 people arrested here in America for questioning, how many more suspects do you think are still at large here at home?

#3: Suppose my child joins President Bush's pen pal program, and sends a letter to an Afghani pen pal. Should we open the letter that comes back in reply?

#4: How close are we to getting the New World Order in place; will we be safe then?

And finally -- this question: Why do they give the postal workers gloves and Cipro? So they can safely deliver tainted mail to those of us who have neither?

Good questions. And if you have others, feel free to send them. 

The address is dave@daveross.com.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS LINDA BOWLES
Moved: 11/2/2001 11:57
CBS-LINDA BOWLES 11/02/2001

Oh, those sneaky immigrants. This is DR...

I know that my reasoning isn't always perfect; as many of you have reminded me from time to time.

But listen to THIS line of reasoning from a column in the Washington Times.

It's about America's porous immigration policies.

Columnist Linda Bowles writes the following: 

(QUOTE) "Parts of America are like third-world countries. Hundreds of thousands of immigrants have no interest in learning the language or adopting the culture of their new country. They have formed separate communities that function as avant-garde outposts of their countries of origin. They offer a ready made home base for terrorists." (UNQUOTE)

OK, now I got point #1, that lots of immigrants never learn the language. I got point #2, that they sometimes live apart. But I'm baffled by the punch line: that because they speak their own language, and live in ethnic communities they offer a ready-made home base for terrorists?

Really? Out here in Washington State we have a community of Hutterites who live communally and still speak an old German dialect. To my knowledge they have never blown up anything. 

The Amish live apart -- how much Amish terrorism is there? 

How many Vietnamese or Chinese terrorists? Unless you count the hot sauce on the egg rolls.

As for illegals from Mexico -- can you name one terrorist attack by Mexicans? I know they threaten to unionize from time to time, but come on!

And remember: before September 11th, our worst terrorist was Timothy McVeigh -- who met his accomplices in an avant-garde cultural outpost known as the US Army.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS BOMBS ISLAMIC
Moved: 11/2/2001 11:57
CBS-BOMBS 11/02/2001

NOW it's war. This is DR...

The defense secretary made it pretty clear when he described why the US is dropping cluster bombs:

TAPE: RUMSFELD1.WAV

The only talk about "hearts and minds" now is that when it comes to terrorists, our job is to separate the two.

I wouldn't even be surprised if the President started using the word "Crusade" again.

And changes the name of the operation BACK to "Infinite Justice."

Bin Laden likes to invoke the Koran, but America has nothing to apologize for when it comes to following the Koran.

Chapter 2, verse 256: "There shall be no compulsion in religion". That means everyone worships freely. Sounds like America to me.

Chapter 42 verse 38: "Their affairs are decided after due consultation among themselves". Sound like the American political system. 

As for economic freedom -- how many quotes do you want? Chapter 2 verses 205 and 220, chapter 4 verses 2, 5, 6, 10, 29... The Koran encourages commerce and mutually acceptable transactions.

And what does it condemn? Scholars who misinterpret scripture.

Chapter 9, verse 31 "they have set up their religious leaders and scholars as lords instead of GOD."

Therefore, Osama's last note, saying this is a war of Christianity against Islam?

A proper reading of the Koran brings us to the inescapable conclusion that if there is ANY country in the world that truly follows Islam... we're living in it!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS AIRPORT SECURITY
Moved: 11/2/2001 11:57
CBS-AIRPORT SECURITY 11/02/2001

Some people are more equal than others. This is DR....

Still no airport security bill. You know what I want them to do? Convert those moving walkways so that, as you're gliding toward your gate, you AND your luggage go through an electron beam that counts your nail clippers AND kills the spores.

But no, Congress is hung up on who should sign the paychecks for the bag-gropers.

The House has voted to go along with the President and NOT turn them into federal workers, because the President wanted more flexibility -- and that's the argument that won the day: put your confidence in the President. 

The Democratic leadership argued for the Senate version, which which have put the screeners on the federal payroll, just like the Capitol Police -- who protect the members of Congress.

Indeed, the Democrats tried to argue that if federal workers are good enough for Congress, why not for their constituents. But that argument fell THREE votes short.

So it goes to a conference committee for a compromise.

There should be small clause to be included in the final bill: call it a national unity clause. The final bill should give the President the flexibility he wants, but it should also specify that whatever airline passengers get, Congress gets.

In other words, if what we end up is 28,000 minimum-wage workers with five hours of training and a 400% turnover rate, hired by the lowest bidder -- then Congress should also be protected by minimum wage workers with five hours of training and a 400% turnover rate, hired by the lowest bidder.

Until somebody invents that full body scanner, we should all be in the same lifeboat.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS FLU SHOT
Moved: 11/1/2001 8:40
CBS-FLU-SHOT 11/01/2001

The new national security. This is DR...

I've come to the conclusion that nobody really knows what to do about national security.

They'll crack down at the airports, but it all comes down to -- are there enough big guys seated in first class?

The economy -- no one really knows what to do. One side says you stimulate the economy by cutting taxes so people have more to spend which creates jobs which creates more taxes. The other side says you keep taxes where they are and spend the money to create the jobs directly so people can buy the products that create the jobs that create the taxes.

Who knows.

First it was take Cipro if you think you've been been exposed to spores, then came reports from Cipro takers that the pill made them so sick they were ready to risk the spores.

The latest question is whether to get a flu shot or not. First it was YES, because flu symptoms can look like anthrax, and worried snifflers would overwhelm the system, but now, it's NO, only the most vulernable should get a flu shot, becasue if everybody gets one, and there isn't enough vaccine, it would overwhelm the system.

My system's already overwhelmed.

Where's the pill for crisis fatigue?

Here it is. It should become every American's duty not to get sick. We don't sleep enough, we eat stupid things, a lot of us smoke, and we don't exercise. This is not patriotic. Everyone who ends up at the doctors office for doing something stupid is a risk to national security.

Stay in shape. Exercise. And toss the leftover halloween candy. Say what you want about the Taliban, I haven't seen a flabby one yet.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NUCLEAR
Moved: 11/1/2001 8:40
CBS-NUCLEAR 11/01/2001

Bottling the next genie. This is DR...

As the spores creep into the heartland, the Bush administration is considering pushing for a biological weapons agreement that would make it a crime for individuals to buy, build or acquire a biological weapon for terrorist attacks.

Now that strikes me as an excellent idea. I mean -- we don't mind if you're keeping a little anthrax around for your own PERSONAL use, but we draw the line at terrorist attack.

And while they're at it -- make it illegal to possess those little portable NUCLEAR devices too, OK?

Did you see where Pakistan arrested three of its own nuclear scientists to out of concern they might have Taliban ties?

Of course once we make it illegal to use weapons for terrorism, the Taliban will turn them in.

But looking forward -- I hope we remember one important fact about these weapons. They weren't thrown together in the garage. Scientists had to deliberately DESIGN these things. Very smart people had to invent this stuff. And you can be sure that right now, very smart people are designing the next generation of fearsome weaponry.

I hope the smarts people making these things keep in mind that if it exists, it can be stolen. And if it can be stolen it can be re-aimed.

I wish the inventors of the Bomb, for example, had designed an easy way for good guys to disable it. Or the designers of mil-spec Anthrax had also come up with neutralizing chemical.

Or maybe, that one of the very smart people, as they look at the formula for some new weapon, two grams of which could wipe out an office building, might say - hey - maybe we shouldn't be inventing this stuff! Wouldn't THAT be novel!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SILENT MAJORITY
Moved: 10/31/2001 8:59
CBS-SILENT MAJORITY 10/31/2001

The silent Muslim Majority. This is DR...

I sat with three American Muslims to discuss why moderate Muslims around the world haven't held COUNTER demonstrations -- to challenge the fundamentalists who burn US flags and revere Osama.

And they reassured me that there is a silent majority in the Muslim world which supports America, but doesn't feel free to say so.

That is especially true in Pakistan -- where to come out and say you hate the Taliban could get you killed by Taliban sympathizers.

But that can't be true in every Muslim country. There must be countries with Muslim majorities where pro-American Muslims DO feel free to demonstrate. DO feel free to come out and say that Osama is an embarrassment.

There must be some country where the moderate Muslims are willing to face up to the Muslim supremacists.

In America, when White Supremacists hold a march, there are usually a far greater number of ANTI-white supremacists holding a counter demonstration.

That needs to happen in the Muslim world.

If there are truly moderate Muslims in the world, then for every demonstration where Muslims burn the flag and wave posters of Osama, there should be --somewhere-- a counter demonstration where protesters wave the American flag and BURN posters of Osama. And no "BUTS."

None of this "We oppose Osama... BUT... your foreign policy..."

This has nothing to do with foreign policy.

This has to do with TACTICS. Someone has to stand up and point out that al-Quaida's TACTICS have set the cause BACK, not ahead.

Because if you think American foreign policy is bad -- wait 'til you see what'll happen if they they actually DO strike this week.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GIVE WAR A CHANCE
Moved: 10/31/2001 8:59
CBS-SECURITY 10/31/2001

Give War a chance. This is DR...

I saw that as a headline for a conservative column scolding peaceniks who've demonstrated against the war. And yet look where the latest criticism of the war is coming from: CONSERVATIVES! Who seem annoyed that the war isn't won yet. Where's the invasion! Where's Osama's head? How come the Taliban seem to be winning?

To which I say -- give War a chance.

It's been 25 days. From Pearl Harbor to the atom bomb took almost four years.

And a bunch of shell-shocked al-Quaida trainees in some cave isn't the problem right now. A bunch of al-Quaida members having envelope-stuffing parties in New Jersey -- THAT's what we're worried about right now.

I know it's tough to write columns about this day after day - believe me. We all need a fresh lead. The smart-bomb pictures are getting stale. 

But it's only been 25 days. In the Gulf War, it took six months before we even started bombing. As for the generals being too cautious -- what will you say the first time a squad of Americans gets caught in an ambush? Why weren't we more cautious - that's what you'll say!

And this idea that the Taliban are winning because Osama isn't dead yet? 

Look: if WE were sitting here being bombed day and night by, oh, CHINA, unable to send up a single fighter jet, would we think of ourselves as WINNERS just because the President hadn't been hit? Please!

Of course the war is not going according to schedule. D-day didn't go according to schedule either. The difference is that back then, cable networks didn't need 24 hours worth of material.

I think we can probably win this thing. Give War a chance.

Now this... 
Index 

CBS WARNINGS2
Moved: 10/30/2001 8:54
CBS-WARNINGS2 10/30/2001

Vigilance part II. This is DR...

So here's the message. In addition to the vigilance you've been exercising since the October 11th terrorist warning, add to it the vigilance required by Monday's warning.

There are multiple credible sources who got the warning, presumably from people planning attacks, that the attacks they're planning will happen somewhere in America this week.

And we're all TRYING to give the Attorney General and the Director of Homeland Security due respect for trying to warn us, we STILL don't know what this means.

All we know is that it's important enough for the Vice President to go back to the bunker. He's become the national canary.

When he disappears, we get nervous, when he shows up in the East Room, we can relax.

The President will be the symbol of defiance, appearing in person at the World Series, as the F-16s patrol overhead, sending a strong message that it IS safe to be in a crowd. But we still wonder -- IS that what it means? Or is that the reason the Vice President is in the bunker?

I guess we're all beginning to realize just how crucial good intelligence is.

Remember those old cordless phones where you could hear the neighbor's conversations? Or the days when you could pick up a scanner at Radio Shack and listen to cell phones? 

The FBI has all these new surveillance powers, but if there are all these terrorist cells operating in America, even with its new powers the FBI physically can not listen to all the potentially dangerous conversations going on.

Now I know that government eavesdropping has become very controversial -- but PRIVATE eavesdropping -- maybe that's an idea whose time has returned.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WARNINGS
Moved: 10/30/2001 8:54
CBS-WARNINGS 10/30/2001

How vigilant can one nation be? This is DR...

The vice-President has gone back to his secure location.

The Attorney General himself cancelled his trip to Toronto to talk to a group of police chiefs. Not because he was worried about flying, we assume, but because he wants to be close to the office. Because we have been warned again that something will happen somewhere sometime this week.

This is tough for us, because as Americans, we spend our lives learning how NOT to be vigilant. As kids we learned to ignore fire alarms thanks to all the drills, as adults we ignore car alarms, pollution alerts, global warming conferences.

SO it's tough, but it can be done. Here's what I did this morning. Since I don't live near a nuclear plant or a dam, or an airport, I began by checking to make sure no was behind me as I backed out of the driveway. I came to a full stop at stop signs. Glanced in the rear view mirror every few seconds to watch for tailgaters, kept both hands on the wheel.

I watched for patches of wet pavement, kept a safe following distance, and avoided making any quick left turns in front of oncoming traffic.

I drove as if I was a warrior with one mission -- the preserve the lives of my fellow Americans.

I think that's worth doing. 4834 people were killed on September 11th. Since then, about as many people have died on American highways. Most were innocent.

And so if you can't figure out you can do personally to stop the terrorists -- one good way to start... is not to become an inadvertent one yourself.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS JOINT STRIKE
Moved: 10/29/2001 11:58
CBS-JOINT STRIKE 10/29/2001

Nothing like it. This is DR...

Last week the employees of Lockheed Martin broke into applause and cheers as the Pentagon announced they'd won a $200 billion dollar contract for our latest military jet: the Joint Strike Fighter.

It is the military aircraft of the 21st century: Invisible to radar, able to travel at supersonic speeds, and able to land vertically in your backyard if it has to.

It has cutting-edge avionics to allow the pilot to dominate the most a complex battlefield.

There is no question that no enemy will have a machine anything like this. The only question is -- whether the enemy will NEED a machine anything like this.

You can't help but be impressed by what this thing can do; the fact that it can stop any attack from the air.

But can it stop an envelope? 

It can find and blow up fuel depots with laser precision. But what we need right NOW is a gizmo that can find a terrorist cell in New Jersey.

It can shoot down a wayward passenger jet, but can it stop the next generation of anti-American adolescents dreaming of martyrdom?

I have no doubt that Lockheed Martin will roll out an amazing aircraft for our $200 billion dollars. But now that we've assured our control of the skies, the pentagon might want to start a NEW corporate competition -- a corporate competition to develop a new and improved SPY.

A spy clever enough to slip into terrorist organizations; a spy who looks the part, who speaks the language... who can start AMERICAN sleeper cells overseas.

A spy who can tell us whether high tech weapons will defeat a low-tech enemy.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ANTHRAX10
Moved: 10/29/2001 11:58
CBS-ANTHRAX10 10/29/2001

We don't scare anybody. This is DR...

I think we have to face up to the fact that as a nation, we just don't scare anybody.

Now we have NOT ONLY the U-S Congress locked out of its offices, but the Supreme Court camping in a different courtroom because of envelopes in the mail.

We all understand the practical reasons for doing this, but the symbolism is unmistakable.

A superpower laid low by a few envelopes.

This is NOT good! We're locked in a fight here with people who respect only STRENGTH. This isn't a moral debate. We are not going to win people over with clever arguments. This is over who's tougher.

Even if we're NOT tougher, we at least have to start LOOKING that way on TV.

So let me make this suggestion. Anytime you see a TV camera crew coming toward you, suck it up and say something brave.

I don't care whether you actually ARE brave or not. In war, deception is an important weapon.

So if a reporter walks up and asks you are you afraid of the mail -- laugh in his face. "Afraid of the mail? Please! I'm a citizen of a superpower! I scoff at terrorists!'

Lead him him to your mailbox. Make sure the camera is still rolling. Rip open a few envelopes. Keep doing it until he gets bored and goes away.

Once he leaves, you can run into the house, scrub your hands, crush Cipro into your applesauce. But any time a camera's rolling, try to remember -- every day, the world sees pictures from Afghanistan of 12 year olds learning to use automatic weapons, and pictures from America of people lining up for pills. Which country would YOU be scared of?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ANTHRAX7
Moved: 10/26/2001 10:55
CBS-ANTHRAX7 10/25/2001

Profiles in courage. This is DR...

The President won't say if he's been tested, Dan Rather says he won't be tested and he isn't taking Cipro, Governor Pataki said he wouldn't be tested. Everybody is searching for a way to set an example of courage; no one wants to be seen as a wimp. They're daring the spores to come get them!

Let's take a moment to analyze the situation, and figure out how best to render a germ warfare attack ineffective.

You've heard of Ernesto Blanco? The second American Media employee in Florida to contract inhalation anthrax? He is not only alive, but out of the hospital.

That means a 73 year old man has survived the WORST form of anthrax, and is going to be OK.

Now THAT's a "winning strategy" in a battle against this kind of terrorism. It may be dramatically satisfying to defy the spores, but a better strategy is to make darn sure you get prompt treatment and survive them!

The reason everyone's scared is because we've been told that inhaled anthrax is almost ALWAYS fatal. But if people report it early, and get treated promptly, we may come to learn that it is almost always NOT fatal.

Therefore, the courageous thing to do for anyone who thinks he's been exposed, be he a high-profile media star or a low-profile letter carrier -- is to get checked, and get treatment. That's the way you join the battle and defeat the enemy.

Because then the news is filled not just with INFECTION stories, but with RECOVERY stories. And when that finally happens, we may still have cases of anthrax, but we'll have fewer cases of paralysis. And nothing ruins a terrorist's day like finding out people aren't terrified anymore.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MUSLIMS
Moved: 10/26/2001 10:55
CBS-MUSLIMS 10/25/2001

We just don't understand. This is Dave Ross...

The Minaret, North America's most widely circulated Muslim Magazine, plans to argue in its next issue that the September 11th attacks were due in part to anti-American sentiment overseas.

The purpose of the issue, says editor Aslam Abdullah, is to help the of millions of non-Muslims who don't understand Muslim rage.

So we'll be told yet again "You have to undertsand how Muslims resent US troops in Saudi Arabia."

"You have to understand Muslims resent the suffering of the dying children of Iraq."

"You have to understand Muslims resent US support of Israel."

I think non-Muslims are beginning to wonder if there is anything that MUSLIMS should be expected to understand?

For example, should they understand that the threat to worship represented by US troops in Saudia Arabia is exactly ZERO?

Should THEY understand that US support of Israel, has lately been used as a way of holding Israel BACK?

Should they understand that there are satellite photos of palaces with artificial waterfalls being built all over Iraq by Saddam Hussein, even as he complains there isn't enough money for the children?

Islam has been taking an unfair beating -- but every religion has to address its excesses. Christians have to deal with gay bashers, cross burners, and anti-abortion zealots. 

Jews have to deal with settlers who think Bible verses represent a property deed.

And now Muslims are going to have to deal with those who would rationalize terrorism.

All organized religions have to police themselves -- otherwise they will come face to face with something even worse than prejudice. The growing appeal of ATHEISM.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS JOKES/SAT
Moved: 10/26/2001 7:45
CBS-JOKES 10/26/2001

How many times must it be said? This is DR...

The attorney general has said it again, and it can't be said too often: no jokes, people. Not at airports, at post offices, in the office, in any public place. Confine your pranks an inner room of your personal residence.

In Murray Kentucky, Amy Wood and Erin Crighton thought it would be funny to mail an envelope full of powder, which ended up spilling on a postal clerk's shirt, which meant closing the local post office, and now has Amy and Erin facing up to five years.

In West Chester PA, disgruntled employee Robert Gibson got a couple of Home Depots to close by mailing envelopes with white powder. The powder was harmless ...to everyone except Robert that is.

Perhaps the dumbest prank was Ronnie Williams threatening to send anthrax to a law firm. Not that the PRANK was novel, but Ronnie lives in Texas -- and was instantly charged not merely with misuse of the mail, but with threatening to use a weapon of mass destruction -- for which the maximum sentence is LIFE.

Fun with talcum powder is not worth life in prison, people. Please remember: they can tap your phone, your e-mail, your stereo -- I wouldn't even SWEAR for a while.

And no fooling around with salmonella, either. The staff at Bill Clinton's Harlem office intercepted two suspicious vials this week which tested positive for salmonella. Now it may be nothing more than spoiled food, but it's not funny, it will get you in trouble, so please, cut it out!

PLUS, it won't work.

Bill Clinton learned long ago learned to stay away from anything containing DNA.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CRONES
Moved: 10/26/2001 7:45
CBS-CRONES 10/27/2001

Send in the crones. This is Dave Ross.

Now that the Defense Secretary has made it clear that --despite our satellites, drones, AWACS planes, and spies-- he cannot guarantee we'll find bin Laden.

Which is why I was pleased to get this e-mail, written by an unknown female author, and forwarded to me by a listener:

It's titled, How to fight the Taliban.

And it read as follows.

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause. Train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna  drop us across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.

We have nothing to lose.

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!

We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware
stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? We've planned the seating arrangements for inlaws at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.

And ...we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. 

Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we
crawl like ants with hotflashes over their godforsaken terrain.

"How to Fight the Taliban, Author Unknown."

Now you see why they wrap up their women.

Now this.

This is DR.. 
Index 

CBS BEHAVE
Moved: 10/26/2001 7:45
CBS-BEHAVE 10/26/2001

Four years of good behavior. This is DR...

It's not comforting to hear that anthrax was found at CIA headquarters. You'd think if any agency would know how to protect itself, it would be the CIA.

And what that tells me is -- if you were worried about electronic surveillance before, just wait.

A group called "Echelon Watch" has been monitoring -- as the name implies -- something called Echelon: a still-secret electronic surveillance system which by some accounts already monitors 90% of Internet traffic.

So far they've just been LOOKING at the suspicious stuff. I have a feeling they will now be ACTING on it.

We can debate ad nauseam whether this is right or wrong, but in the meantime, prudence dictates that we, the law-abiding citizens of America -- protect ourselves not only from terrorism, but from the people who are protecting us from terrorism.

For example, if you do a web search at the library on the subject of anthrax simply out of curiosity, or you do a search asking for a list of the highest skyscrapers in a particular city, or any search request using the word "bomb" -- have an alibi ready.

That's why I myself would like to take this opportunity to say, IN CASE ANYONE IS LISTENING, Condoleeza, that the anthrax search was preparation for my talk show. The search on the largest skyscrapers in Seattle was for a speech I did comparing the impact on New York to what it would have been on a smaller city. As for the word BOMB, if you'll check the FULL search entry, it also includes the word HAZELNUT, OK? I was thinking of sending it as a gift. The most dangerous ingredient appears to be butter.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PATRIOT ACT
Moved: 10/26/2001 7:45
CBS-PATRIOT ACT

The new security blanket. This is DR...

It's called the USA PATRIOT act, an acronym that stands for "Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing the Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism." 

Which means that for the next four years, until the act expires, all of us might as well assume that everything we do or say using an electronic device is being monitored. 

Wiretaps and computer taps and searches will still need court approval, but the court we're talking about here is a very special court: the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court, which is set up in the basement of the justice department, operates in secret, and has never denied an FBI request for a warrant.

Of course the electronic monitoring has been going on for a long time. It's the secret SEARCH provision that has groups from the ACLU on the Left to the Gun Owners of America on the Right a little worried.

Under the USA PATRIOT Act, if the FBI decides to decide to search your home, they don't have to announce themselves, and they don't need probable cause. Just a reasonable suspicion. At which point they can break in, take photographs, remove computers, remove guns -- and they don't even have to leave a business card.

You're saying to yourself -- wait a minute, if THAT's true, then what if I come home one evening and door is kicked in and my computer is missing -- how do I know if I should CALL the cops, or if it WAS the cops?

Well if you're innocent, CLEARLY you should call the cops. And if you're NOT innocent... well then I imagine the cops will be calling you.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS ANTHRAX6
Moved: 10/24/2001 7:43
CBS-ANTHRAX6 10/24/2001

The front has moved again. This is DR...

The Front has now moved from the cockpit to the sorting line at the post office.

So far the death toll is small. 

The main effect of anthrax is not its ability to kill but it's ability to paralyze. 

As the Postmaster General said, there is no guarantee that every letter is safe. And as public health officials have said -- anthrax looks like the flu until it's too late. Put those two together, and every incident involving a powder or a suspicious letter could potentially bring the police running. And yet, if you protect everyone, you protect no one.

You will always have to make choice based on the best information at the time.

You can look back and say the Post Office screwed up, but wouldn't YOU assume that the people in the most danger would be the people who actually opened the tainted envelope?

You don't blame banks for bank robberies, you don't blame the post office for germ warfare.

Everyone knows the famous inscription on the General Post Office at 8th Avenue and 33rd Street in New York:

"Neither snow nor rain not heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds."

What you may not know is that it refers to a military operation. It comes from the Greek historian Herodotus; he admired the relay system of horseback-riding military couriers that the Persians used to get messages to and from the front.

Nothing could stop them -- because there was a war on. They were soldiers then; they are soldiers now. We're ALL soldiers now. And we're on the same side.

We have SEEN the enemy. And this time, he is NOT us.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NO VIRGINS
Moved: 10/24/2001 7:43
CBS-NO VIRGINS 10/24/2001

Uh oh. No virgins. This is DR...

One of the reasons that suicide terrorists are willing to die for the cause is that they are told 72 virgins await in heaven. Well, bad news.

A respected Muslim cleric, who himself has been linked to radical Islamic groups -- and who the US once tried to assassinate, has declared that their Dream of Jeannie is wrong.

In Beirut, Grand Ayatollah Mohammed Hussein Fadlallah has condemned the bombings in the United States as acts of terror and, does NOT encourage his followers to strike against the United States.

That doesn't mean he supports the bombing of Afghanistan, of course, he says what we're doing is just as bad as what they did. But here's the quote that grabbed me.

Describing Mohammaed Atta and the other hijackers, Ayatollah Fadlallah, an expert in Islamic law, who himself has issued numerous fatwahs, said this``Those who carried them out are not martyrs. They committed suicide and killed thousands of people who had nothing to do with U.S. policies.''

This is a man who commands the respect of Islamic radicals, saying these radicals violated a basic Muslim prohibition against killing the innocent.

This is a man who commands the respect of Islamic radicals, saying these radicals are not martyrs.

And if they are not martyrs, they are not in heaven with the 72 virgins. 

I can only imagine what it was like when they came face to face with the prophet, and he broke the bad news.

It's just too bad the Ayatollah didn't speak up a little sooner.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ANTHRAX5
Moved: 10/24/2001 5:54
ROSS2 ANTHRAX5 10/23/2001

Killer dust. This is DR...

When the first anthrax case hit, in Florida, we were toldit could be a naturally
occurring form. When the next cases hit in New York and Washington, we were told that it still it didn't appear to be particularly sophisticated.

Now it's official. Dick Gephardt, House minority leader, says this is weaponsgrade anthrax. That means anthrax which is engineered and milled to be deadly and to remain airborne: like killer dust.

It's an indiscriminate weapon  which so far hasn't affected the intended celebrity recipients  but only the people who handle and deliver their mail.

Public health officials are taking some of the flak for that  they're accused of not acting quickly enough. But that's like saying airport carryon checkers should have been expecting 19 hijackers to take down the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.

Six weeks ago that stuff was just a movie plot.

Two weeks ago, anthrax was science fiction.

Now, NOTHING is fiction. 

We don't know yet if there's a link to the September 11th attacks, but we might as well admit that every one of us is convinced there is. And we might as well admit that if their intention is to scare people, it's working  even though, statistically, crossing the street to GET the mail is more dangerous than the mail itself.

But the anthrax scare has another consequence too  all that talk from the Taliban about civilian casualties, the kind of talk that is always aimed at nations with a conscience, the kind of talk designed to induce guilt and get us to back off? Be advised, it just doesn't seem to be having the same effect.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS YANKEES 10/23/2
Moved: 10/24/2001 5:54
ROSS1 YANKEES 10/23/2001

Up against the inevitable. This is DR...

Being from Seattle, I was proud to root for the Mariners. No team has ever been better in the regular season  116 wins. And no team deserved it more  a team which had lost three major stars  Randy Johnson, Ken Griffey,Jr., and Alex Rodriguez  and yet played so well together they didn't miss 'em a bit.

It was team that wasn't intimidated by anybody not even the Yankees during the regular season.

And then came the post season.

Why is there a postseason anyway? When I was growing up, you had a straight up pennant race. Whoever won the most games got the pennant: a simple system. A FAIR system.

But, no there has to be a postseason.

And it's disorienting. In the sixth inning  did you see how ball after ball dropped in front of shocked Mariners? It's clear the postseason confuses players. Like jet lag.

Oh, I could blame the postseason.

But there was something else going on in Yankee Stadium. There was something no team could overcome. The crowd sang in unison, they CHANTED in unison. Chants like"No Game Six" and "Overrated"  a multisyllabic chant from Yankees fans! Joe Torre didn't issue a public challenge like Lou Piniella... he didn't have to. Instead quietly told his team to leave their luggage at home.

I've never seen anything like it.

But we all knew what was going on. Lou Piniella said it was one of the few times he felt good even after getting his ass kicked. (UNQUOTE) This time there were cosmic forces at work.

As Joe Torre said, it had something to do with the "NY"on the cap. And even Mariners fans understand.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SPORES
Moved: 10/24/2001 5:44
CBS-SPORES 10/22/2001

Damn the spores, full speed ahead. This is DR...

Both Houses of the US Capitol are open for business today, a day earlier than planned, to set an example for the nation.

The spectacle of the House leaving town last week in the face of an anthrax laced envelope sent to the Senate, while the Senate stayed in session, was a little embarrassing for House members.

Whether it was medically justified or not, it just plain LOOKED bad -- especially at a time when public officials are constantly telling the rest of us to go about our lives.

You even had Colin Powell on Face The Nation saying Americans should "not become chickens." 

The anthrax rumors have gotten out of hand, he said, and it would be wise (QUOTE) "for all of us to take a deep breath."

And unfortunate metaphor, given the situation, but we understand what he means.

So, what about next time? Since we have this temporary lull in the crisis, members of congress ought to be making plans about what they will do when the next demon emerges.

I say make plans to meet in a hotel. There are plenty of hotels in Washington; there's an armory, there's a big convention center -- have standby plans to move the Congress there if there's another attack.

It would be different, of course. There would be no staff nearby making recommendations on which way to vote and preparing speeches. And the lobbyists might have trouble buttonholing members at the usual locations.

So what would be left would be spontaneous debate by the nation's elected representatives. Who would be thinking up their OWN ideas! Just like when the Republic was founded!

Yikes!

Maybe that IS scarier than just going home.

Now this... 
Index 

CBS PRO AMERICAN
Moved: 10/24/2001 5:44
CBS-PRO-AMERICAN 10/22/2001

Memo to Muslims. This is DR...

I'm tired of seeing anti-American demonstrations in Muslim countries. I'm tired of hearing US blamed for being genocidal. What do you call a guy who declares war on American civilians JUST for being Americans? A humanitarian?

I'm tired of the argument that sending an army against terrorists -- after AMPLE warning -- is the same as sending passenger jets into a building.

They have every right to say what they think, of course, but I keep thinking there must be SOME Muslims SOMEWHERE willing to stand up and say -- wait a minute, this doesn't make sense!

Last week in the New York Post, Dr. Muqtedar Khan, who is an Indian Muslim, wrote a piece titled "Memo to American Muslims" in which he tackles head-on the indictment of America by so much of the Muslim world.

He points out that though Israel may oppress the Palestinians, it treats its one million Arab citizens with greater respect than most Arab nations treat THEIR citizens.

Where, he asks, are the demonstrations against repressive ARAB regimes -- against Saddam Hussein for gassing the Kurds, or against Syria for annihilating whole neighborhoods of the Muslim Brotherhood in the town of Hama?

Dr. Khan doesn't answer the questions, but I think he knows the answer.

Muslims overseas don't dare protest those regimes because those regimes retaliate against dissent. Whereas the United States considers dissent a basic right.

I would love to see American Muslims mount a Million Muslim March -- a Million American Muslims in Washington D.C., -- just enough to get those demonstrators in Karachi to wonder, what do they know that we don't?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DIRECT MAIL SAT
Moved: 10/19/2001 7:43
CBS-DIRECT MAIL 10/18/2001

Listening to anthrax. This is DR...

And so yet another aspect of American life is changing. Junk mail is going to change. Or, Direct Mail, if you prefer. 

You see, for years direct mailers have tried to get you to open their envelopes by tricking you. Sometimes they stamp them with words like "URGENT, OPEN IMMEDIATELY", or print the address in a way that looks handwritten, or send out envelopes with no return address.

But now, with Americans worried that the mail might give them ugly skin infections, the Direct Mail Association is urging members to do something that they have resolutely resisted despite years of scolding by consumer groups: IDENTIFY THEMSELVES.

Among the new guidelines:

-- Use a clear and identifiable return address with the company logo.

-- Consider including a toll-free phone number answered by a responsible person.

-- Avoid personalized mailings.

You notice something about these changes? Yes! They would be a good idea even WITHOUT the anthrax scare!

Once I tried to locate one "Elizabeth Matthews, Director of Sweepstakes" who had signed several sweepstakes mailings promising me large amounts of money -- it took several calls but I was finally told she didn't exist. 

When I complained, I got a very nice letter back signed by a customer service representative named "L. Stanley." But further checking revealed that "L" didn't exist either.

I wondered aloud at the time what it would take to change this?

Now we know.

Now this. This is DR... 
Index 

CBS FIGHTING BACK
Moved: 10/19/2001 7:43
CBS-FIGHTING BACK 10/19/2001

Special ops. This is DR...

The ground war is beginning -- pitting American soldiers against zealots schooled in martyrdom.

The President of Pakistan says the key to winning is to get Mullah Omar, head of the Taliban. But that just wins the short term war. Long term, there will have to be a way of winning over the millions of fundamentalist Muslims who appear to hate us. 

We've tried dropping leaflets, radio broadcasts -- but Al Quaeda's recruiters know their business. They search the streets for the dispossessed, and the universities for the disenchanted. And they get HUNDREDS of recruits.

Perhaps WE should do the same.

We should set up our own recruiting cells, made up of American Muslims; who can masquerade as al-Qaeda, and promising a bright future of glorious martyrdom for young men who join the movement. 

And they load these young men into Toyotas, just as if they were headed for a training camp in Afghanistan...

Except they don' go to a training camp in Afghanistan. They are taken to ... Kansas. Or somewhere deep in the American heartland. To receive some AMERICAN indoctrination. They would meet with American Muslims who've built a life here. -- Attend university classes where professors teach them things like critical thinking, and open political debate. -- Learn American culture, the principles of baseball, how to remember where you parked. See womens' faces.

And IF, after we've done our best to convert them, they still long for martyrdom, we give them a ticket home. But I wonder how much demand there would be for those tickets.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ENERGY POLICY
Moved: 10/19/2001 7:43
CBS-ENERGY POLICY 10/19/2001

A new energy policy. This is DR...

In the Senate, Republicans think the time has come to allow drilling for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. And you can see why: as we all know, this anti-terrorist coalition with Arab states may be stretching the definition of the term "coalition." They worry about a revolt in Saudi Arabia that could put our oil supply in the cross hairs.

As for Democrats -- many of them are still opposed to the drilling on principle. 

Of course, even we DO drill, all that new oil will be sent down a pipeline which, as we now know can be shutdown by some wacko with too many drinks in him and a rifle.

But the debate over oil has ALWAYS skirted the real issue. 

Nobody likes to say this out loud, but the fact is, GAS IS A BARGAIN. In fact, GAS IS A STEAL.

By one accounting, the Department of Defense spends between 55 and 96 BILLION dollars a year defending the world's oil supplies, and not a dime of that is included in the price at the pump.

Here we are debating whether we can afford a national security force to protect airline passengers, and yet for years, the government has had NO problem running a national security force to protect OIL wells. If the price of gas included the cost of this protection, it would easily DOUBLE.

Which would be a quite a shock. We're willing to pay $8.00 a gallon for bottled water -- but $4 gas is going too far.

There IS another way out however.

If the US improved car and truck mileage by 10% -- we wouldn't have to protect ANY middle eastern oil wells.

So -- think about that the next time you see a giant car with an American flag on it.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRON YOUR MAIL
Moved: 10/19/2001 7:43
CBS-IRON YOUR MAIL 10/19/2001

Should you iron your mail? This is DR...

This is what it's come to -- citizens of the mightiest nation on earth IRONING the mail to kill anthrax spores.

The advice to iron the mail came from Ken Alibek, a former Soviet Germ Warfare expert who defected to the US in 1992. He told a congressional briefing Tuesday that using a steam iron on a suspicious envelope would create enough heat and moisture to kill any anthrax that might be inside.

"They will become harmless" was the phrase he used.

However, when he was interviewed later by CNN, he would say only that the PROBABILITY of the spores surviving is much lower.

And there is some debate over whether it works at all. The rumor control web site SNOPES.COM quotes a medical anthropologist at MIT as saying that heat WON'T kill the spores. Radiation won't kill the spores. Even EXPLOSIVES won't kill the spores -- that's why anthrax is used for weapons. The only thing that kills them is SUNLIGHT, and even that takes a few days.

But of course, the last thing you should do is open a suspicious envelope outdoors on a sunny day. So -- if there's no point in ironing it, and you can't open it, how do you protect yourself?

One way would be to stop going to your mailbox, until it gets so jammed that the post office just stops delivery -- then your mail is THEIR problem.

But a more effective way to protect yourself would be to make sure the mailbox is on the same side of the street as your house. Because you are more likely to get killed crossing the street to get your mail than by forgetting to iron it.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ANTHRAX4
Moved: 10/18/2001 12:36
CBS-ANTHRAX4 10/18/2001

T'ain't funny. This is DR...

Here is some friendly advice to all practical jokers. This would be a good time to lay low.

Right now, there are a lot of you hatching funny ideas about things you can do with talcum powder. Or non-dairy creamer. Or baking soda. I'm sure your intentions are noble -- to break the tension; to lighten the mood at the office.

I just want to offer some friendly advice. ARE YOU NUTS?

Do you WANT to go to prison?

Try to understand: this is a time when you can badmouth the president, badmouth the military, even burn the flag, but you get arrested for leaving soap powder on someone's desk.

That sounds absurd, and it IS absurd, but it's no joke.

The attorney general -- who doesn't smile a lot -- pointed out today that making a threat is a criminal offense even if you don't intend to carry it out. And in the present atmosphere that means soap powder can get you arrested. It's already happened to at least four very funny people. 

And even if you don't get arrested, at the every least it will bring people in white suits who will be really ticked off when they find out what you did. And if you try to cover up by lying to a federal official you can get up to five years in prison just for THAT.

I guess what I'm saying is, it's not worth it. Playing with white powder is like playing with a toy gun, or writing an English paper about shooting people.

I'm sure there are other practical jokes you could play -- although, frankly I can't imagine what they would be. 

By the way, that means it's more important than ever not to get drunk at office parties.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS PROPAGANDA
Moved: 10/18/2001 12:36
CBS-PROPAGANDA 10/18/2001

You think OSAMA is pretty scary? This is DR...

There is a new threat today from Osama bin Laden. One of his top deputies is quoted as saying U.S. troops will suffer the same fate in Afghanistan they did in Somalia.

Add to that the anthrax investigation and the rumors about more attacks, and this has been another uncomfortable week for Americans.

But if it's any consolation, imagine for a moment if you were living in a Taliban cave, and you noticed a little radio at the entrance, and you turned it on, and you heard the following broadcast:

"Attention Taliban! You are condemned. Did you know that? The instant the terrorists you support took over our planes, you sentenced yourselves to death."

That would probably get your attention. The the broadcast continues.

"The Armed Forces of the United States are here to seek justice for our dead."

Being schooled in fundamentalism, you would be familiar with that concept. Then you would hear this:

"Our helicopters will rain fire down upon your camps before you detect them on your radar. Our bombs are so accurate we can drop them right through your windows. Our infantry is trained for any climate and terrain on earth.

"You have only one choice ... Surrender now and we will let you live."

If you were a Taliban fighter and heard that message, I imagine you would still swagger in public. But I bet you'd have some restless nights. It's an effective little broadcast -- especially when accompanied by loud explosions.

And as frightening as the events here in America have been, I would personally rather be in THIS listening area than that one.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ANTHRAX3
Moved: 10/17/2001 7:10
CBS-ANTHRAX 10/17/2001

Send postcards. This is Dave Ross...

Despite all the reassurances -- that the government is responding, that the number of cases is limited, that anthrax is not contagious, that the flu kills far more people -- there's no denying it:

For anyone who watches TV, "the envelope" has now joined "the low-flying jet" on the list of things that make you think twice.

In a way it's worse. You can avoid flying, you can avoid hi-rise buildings. You can't avoid mail. 

What first looked like the work of terrorist wanna-be's is now looking like the work of professionals. This is the kind of spore that might have come from a weapons lab. And whoever did it knew exactly where to send it: to high-profile people who would guarantee maximum publicity.

So we have members of congress and anchormen carrying their own supplies of Cipro, which is replacing Prozac as America's main provider of peace of mind.

And it's all broadcast in great detail!

So that whoever has run this little test -- if these are terrorists, that's what this is, a test -- knows exactly how potent this particular tactic is. One envelope, mailed to a high-profile public official, is enough to expose 20 people, scare 285 million, and close down the US Capitol for the weekend.

No one knows whether it's connected to Osama bin Laden and Al-Quaida or not. But it doesn't matter, does it? Because the message is out. Germ warfare works. 

Or at least it works SO FAR.

Whether it continues to work is, once again, up to us. Break out the postcards, my fellow Americans, learn to use e-mail, try to watch a little baseball, and ... welcome to the battlefield.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS QUESTIONS
Moved: 10/17/2001 7:10
CBS-QUESTIONS 10/17/2001

Inquiring minds want to know. This is DR...

There seems to be a new openness in the Taliban. A senior Taliban Minister has reportedly offered to turn over Osama bin Laden, in exchange for a promise that he would face trial in a country OTHER than the US.

AND, we hear that CNN has been offered an INTERVIEW with bin Laden, and was invited to submit six questions for him, the answers to be provided on videotape. So CNN has dutifully prepared six excellent questions, including:

· How can you and your followers advocate the killing of innocent people? 

· What was your role and the role of the alQaida organization in the September 11 attacks? 

· What was your role in the anthrax attacks? 

· Was any other government involved in training your people? 

· Do you have and will you use weapons of mass destruction?

And number six -- Most Muslim and Arab leaders have condemned the September attacks and denounced you -- how do you respond?

Now -- have you noticed something about these questions? 

These are questions you pose to an enemy AFTER you have him in custody. 

Does anyone really want to hear the answers to these questions?

Now I admit -- as member of the media, I too would jump at the chance to interview Osama bin Laden. But I would insist on a live interview, by phone. 

And these would be my six questions:

1. Where are you right now?

2. How long will you be there?

3. How many others are with you?

4. How long will THEY be there?

5. Can you see those helicopter gunships coming toward you?

6. Are you familiar with the phrase, "I GIVE UP?"

THEN we can ask the other questions.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ANTHRAX2
Moved: 10/16/2001 7:48
CBS-ANTHRAX2 10/16/2001

Don't open, don't shake, don't smell. This is DR...

I guess we have a choice. The nation can either step back and reflect for a moment, or we can panic, and thereby empowering every nut case who can get a hold of some talcum powder.

If this continues people won't even open their voice mail.

I'd prefer to step back for a moment. The death toll from the September 11th attacks stands at 5528. The death toll from anthrax stands at ... ONE. So far, there are far more hoaxes than actual spores.

This is not to diminish the seriousness of the disease. However, hospitals ARE trying to organize a response, and it doesn't help if they're overwhelmed with cases of talcum powder exposure.

So maybe we can agree on a few rules:

Number one, no jokes! There are enough wackos at large without otherwise normal people acting like wackos. That means no funny pranks with talcum powder, salt, sugar, Coffee Mate -- just behave for a few weeks.

Number two, if you're a member of the media, stop reporting the false alarms. Every day, burglar alarms go off even though there is no burglar. Fire alarms go off even though there is no fire. These are not news, and white substances that are not anthrax aren't news either.

And number three, if you DO touch something strange, the experts say the best thing you can do is WASH YOUR HANDS. Anthrax is one of the few cases where you can defeat a terrorist with a bar of soap.

So as scary as this may be, maybe it's time to step back, reflect, take a deep breath. Just not near a suspicious envelope.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BLANKS OSAMA
Moved: 10/16/2001 7:48
CBS-BLANKS-OSAMA 10/16/2001 

And now -- it's time to Fill in the Blanks. This is DR...

Here it is, Fill In The Blanks, where I read a story that you've heard way too many times, and you get the chance to play along at home by simply filling in the ... BLANKS.

Today's subject, Anti-American Demonstrations. Ready?

READY.

Each day in places like Pakistan, Nigeria, Yemen, Indonesia, and Zimbabwe, thousands of angry demonstrators are chanting that they hate AMERICA.

The don't like Americans because we DROP BOMBS and because we LET WOMEN WEAR HIGH HEELS.

They've also heard rumors that many of our women walk around NAKED. That's why so many people who hate America apply for VISAS. So they can come here and SCOLD THE NAKED WOMEN IN PERSON.

They also really hate AMERICAN MOVIES, which is why they WATCH THEM WHENEVER THEY CAN. 

If you tell them that there are Muslims in America who are happy and prosperous, they chant OSAMA.

If you tell them that there are Muslims in America who can come here, build mosques, and worship freely, they chant, even more loudly, OSAMA.

As it turns out, the word Osama translates to WHERE CAN I GET A VISA?

Meanwhile, the search goes on for Osama...

Experts figure that he is probably disguised as a WOMAN, under a special Taliban rule which says that in times of crisis, men can wear NAUGHTY UNDERGARMENTS.

--- As long as they are careful not to wear HIGH HEELS. Which tend to get caught in the BOMB CRATERS.

Recently, Mullah Omar said he will turn over Osama if the bombing would just STOP. However no one could hear him because of all the EXPLOSIONS.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DON'T PANIC
Moved: 10/15/2001 7:30
CBS-DON'T PANIC 10/15/2001

Don't panic, and we mean it. This is DR...

We're hearing it again today -- don't panic, because we're buying enough anti-anthrax medicine to treat 12 million people for two months. 

Twelve MILLION people? That's a lot of white powder in the mail... 

At the risk of putting this in perspective, let me note that 12 million would be a MILLION TIMES the current number of cases. Which is 12.

Now, I have no doubt the number will grow, and obviously the prospect of getting exposed through the mail IS pretty scary. And yet, the fact is that we have managed for years to go about our lives despite the existence -- right here in this country -- of many equally fearsome and far more contagious diseases. 

For example, if 12 anthrax exposures are bad, what would you say about 13 full blown cases of plague? As in THE plague. The one that decimated Europe?

According to the CDC, the US averages 13 cases of Plague each year, mostly in the Western states, where its spread by infected rodents. And unlike anthrax it IS contagious. Yet we don't run from squirrels.

How about leprosy? According to the CDC in 1999, there were 108 cases of leprosy in the United States. Not very common, but that's 9 times the current number of anthrax cases.

How about typhoid fever -- we get about 400 cases each year.

Which means the real epidemic we facing right now isn't anthrax, its paranoia. The most contagious disease of all, and resistant to all known anti-biotics.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SELF DEFENSE
Moved: 10/15/2001 7:30
CBS-SELF-DEFENSE 10/15/2001

Defending the homeland. This is DR...

Well we're certainly alert now, aren't we? Remember the good old days? The days when, if you saw a suspicious white powder you could relax because it was probably just crack?

Not anymore.

Now we're worried that terrorists might have gotten truck licenses, and may be planning to blow up a hazardous waste truck in an urban area.

I don't know what the office of Homeland Security has in mind, here are a few ideas it might consider.

Suggestion number one: stop sending hazardous waste trucks through urban areas. As a matter of fact, in the current circumstances, the whole concept of generating hazardous waste strikes me as a bad idea. I know that in the past, warnings about hazardous waste usually came from moonbeam peaceniks. But now, I kind of wish they'd gotten their way.

Another fear is attacks on power plants.

We have a lot of big centralized power plants, which are very difficult to hide. 

Now again, I know this is an idea associated with utopian environmentalists, but would it be so crazy to maybe SPEED up the development of alternative sources like fuel cells, or some other neighborhood-based power source? Then, if someone blew up a power plant -- we'll, we'd notice the smoke on the horizon, but at least the lights wouldn't go out. And I know that windmills aren't perfect, but hundreds of windmills are a lot tougher to blow up.

And finally, wouldn't it be a good idea if each of us had at least ONE small car handy? 

I'm not saying you actually have to DRIVE it, but have it handy.

Because sometimes the best offense -- is a good defense.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TERRORIST FUNDRAISER
Moved: 10/12/2001 7:41
CBS-TERRORIST FUNDRAISER 10/12/2001

Following the money. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

We have another indication today about where al-Qaeda got its money. Fundraisers!

Among the faces on the FBI's new wanted poster is Ayman alZawahiri - the co-star of the bin Laden video; the Egyptian terrorist regarded as bin Laden's mentor.

And a few of you may have recognized him - even though you'd never heard his name before  because, according to the San Francisco Chronicle, in 1995 Ayman alZawahiri visited California. On a fundraising tour!

He was brought over by a group of terrorists based in Santa Clara!

Of course, he traveled under an alias, using a forged passport, and not everybody who hosted him knew what he was up to. There were no announcement in the paper saying "Terrorist Fundraiser tonight, childcare provided." Instead he would go to a mosque and tell the members he was raising money refugees of the Afghan Soviet war. Not everyone opened up their wallets, but after touring California, Texas, and New York, he came back with as much as $500,000 for those refugees.

But, according to the story, the money didn't go to refugees. It was used to bomb the Egyptian embassy in Islamabad in 1995, and to train pilots for a hang-glider assault on an Egyptian prison -- which was finally cancelled.

I guess the lesson there is -- make sure you know who's passing the plate.

Say -- anybody remember when Al Gore raising money at a Buddhist temple seemed like an ominous thing?

That story broke not too long after Ayman al-Zawahiri's tour. I wonder if he read about it. It would have given him quite a chuckle.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS GOD'S CODE
Moved: 10/12/2001 7:41
CBS-GOD'S CODE 10/11/2001

Breaking the code. This is DR...

Even though the President and just about everybody else in authority has taken pain to say we are not in a fight against Islam, Osama bin Laden and his disciples have taken every opportunity to say that is EXACTLY that.

That video he released may have contained a coded message -- but the UN-coded message was ominous enough: this IS Islam again America.

The Grand Mufti of Saudi Arabia issued a clear statement after the attacks. He said it is obligatory upon Muslim scholars to make clear that Islam does not sanction terrorist actions EVER.

But when young Muslim men demonstrating in Pakistan, Egypt, Indonesia, and South Africa, they don't chant the name of the Grand Mufti of Saudi Arabia - they chant Osama.

You can argue that Islamic law prohibits terrorism, and quote peaceful verses from the Koran. But if enough Muslims THINK their religion justifies attacking America, then what's the point of legal arguments?

Now it may be that the TV pictures are deceptive. It may be that after the demonstration, they all go home, drink beer and watch Everybody Loves Raymond.

But in public they are convinced that God has called them to a glorious death in the fight against America.

So what DOES God want? Is there a divine message we can decode?

Well, if we look at ourselves from a celestial perspective, we see the following:

God has given the West the superior technology and weaponry; and he has given the Muslim world the oil that runs it.

Either He has a truly inscrutable sense of humor -- or He's saying that the two had better find a way to live together.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS FRIENDLY WARNINGS
Moved: 10/12/2001 7:41
CBSWARNINGS 10/11/01 10:51 PMDLR

Friendly warnings. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The President's approval ratings are sky high... but there are some friends of the US who are sounding warnings.

In QUETTA, Pakistan, Mohammed Arif runs an Afghan aid agency called the Guardians. He sympathizes with the US, but called the food drop "nonsense." He says people won't openb the packages because they'll remind Afghans of what the Soviets dropped from the sky. The soviets dropped land mines.

Meantime, in Moscow, a Soviet war hero issued a warning of his own: Retired Lt. Gen. Ruslan Aushev is among several former Soviet commanders who back the aims of the war on terrorism, but he points to the growing unrest in Pakistan and other Muslim countries as evidence that the someone in Washington hasn't thought ahead. Bombs, he said, are useless. He should know  since the Soviets built the bomb shelters.

AND in New York, a Saudi Prince, upon seeing ground zero, presented Mayor Giuliani with a $10 million relief check, and then suggested the US cut the Palestinisans more slack. ``Our Palestinian brethren continue to be slaughtered at the hands of Israelis while the world turns the other cheek," he said.

At that point, the check became too hot even for a Mayor who's not running, and he gave it back.

These warnings may be unwelcome, but they are coming from friends  who are telling Washington that so far, they haven't seen much "new" in this new kind of war. Of course, it's hardly been a week. But they're already worried that instead of defeating bin Laden, we'll just provide more footage for his next recruiting video.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FBI WARNINGS
Moved: 10/12/2001 7:41
CBS-FBI WARNINGS 10/12/2001

What you can do to stay safe. This is DR...

The F.B.I. has issued a warning that there could be new terror attacks in the United States or at American targets abroad in the next several days -- and people are wondering: what do I do about it?

The President's suggestion was: to be on the lookout for anything suspicious -- as in, if you see someone skulking around a crop duster, or a petrochemical plant, call the FBI. 

And at the same time as he's telling us to be vigilant, he's telling us not to be scared, to go about our business. Which strikes a lot of people as absurd. It struck ME as absurd, to ask us to go about our business after essentially warning us that some of us might get killed over the weekend. And then I realized that.. we do it all the time.

Many of you are doing it right now.

Suppose I told you there is a 100% chance that 114 Americans will die today without warning. That we have clear and specific information that 114 Americans who left home today will not come back.

THAT's pretty scary. And yet, that's just another way of stating the statistics on highway deaths, which we've been ignoring for years! 42,000 Americans a year, 114 every day -- and the newspapers scarcely report it. It'll happen again today, and tomorrow, and the next day.

So here's what you can do to be vigilant. By all means, check out any crop dusters you may encounter, be alert if you go jogging at the petrochemical plant -- but MOST important, keep your eyes on the road, the alcohol out of your bloodstream, and your hands on the wheel.

Now this. 

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ONE MONTH LATER
Moved: 10/11/2001 7:54
CBS-ONE MONTH LATER 10/11/2001

It's been one month. Do you know what to do? This is DR...

Around the country, various ceremonies remind us of what happened a month ago, but no one needs reminding.

What we need to know is what to do.

Short range -- we know, because we've been told repeatedly. Be vigilant! Guard the cockpit.

But what about long range? Those demonstrations we're seeing in Pakistan and Indonesia may involve only ten or twenty thousand young men holding up pictures of bin Laden chanting that they're ready to die -- and we're told by experts that's not very many -- but remember: all they need is 19.

So we will probably be defending ourselves for a long time.

Critics of US foreign policy say we just have to find a way to make the mob love us -- but overseas fundamentalists will never love what goes on in America. Heck, AMERICAN fundamentalists have trouble loving what goes on in America -- because
it's a country that is constitutionally prohibited from imposing any orthodoxy.

Osama is right about one thing: America may be powerful, but individual Americans are very vulnerable. Most of us wouldn't have a clue about how to get food without a grocery store. Or how to keep the lights on during a blackout. Or how to do without gas. Or how to keep working if you can't get to work. We need a plan B for all these things. 

A little alternative power wouldn't hurt. Small farms near population centers wouldn't hurt. Getting to know the neighbors wouldn't hurt. and having a smaller car handy that doesn't need a lot of gas wouldn't hurt. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ALERT
Moved: 10/11/2001 7:54
CBS-ALERT 10/11/2001

Have you been alert today? This is Dave Ross...

If you watch TV, you know that America is on alert.

Now anytime we see a plane on final approach we look up. I'm not sure what we're planning to do exactly, but I look up.

And ON the plane -- every passenger is poised to attack anyone who so much as looks at the cockpit door. On some planes passengers give the biggest men the front seats, or they strike deals with the person next to them on who will tackle the guy and who'll cinch the blanket around his neck, and the rest of the passengers pretend to read magazines while they cook up novel ways to use the headphone cords and the comfort bags.

The FBI's new terrorist poster is out, and we're all looking for them. There's one big thing working against Osama: he won't shave his beard on principle -- so he'll really stick out at the mall.

We're alert to anthrax, we're ready to go to the doctor at the first sign of a cold, and we're all making absolutely sure that no fundamentalists have slipped bombs in our carry-ons, plus, being Americans, we're all armed.

And then the Attorney General comes on TV again to say that Americans should act as if another wave of terrorism could come at any time.

Please! What else are we supposed to do?

QUIT trying to scare the hell out of us, OK?

I liked it better when Mayor Giuliani was telling us to go to a ball game. Let's find ways to celebrate life! I like those forecasts of a baby boom. There's a way to celebrate life AND annoy bin Laden: let's all resolve to have sex this weekend -- within the bonds of marriage of course. Make a little love, and maybe even create more freedom-loving Americans.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CHENEY
Moved: 10/11/2001 5:22
CBS-CHENEY 10/10/2001

Only one man is harder to find than Osama bin Laden. This is DR...

That man is, of course, the vice President. Officially, he is being kept in an undisclosed location to preserve the line of succession -- 

But there is all sorts of guessing going on. Did the President silence him for fear of being upstaged? Did Cheney say the wrong thing in a cabinet meeting. Did he have another heart attack. 

Nonsense, says the White House, he's just fine, he gets regular briefing on the crypto-phone, and he fully participates in National Security Council meetings.

You can see why people are curious -- after all this is the guy who was in charge of everything from energy policy to the federal budget, a guy who's so important he worked right though his last heart attack. Plus, as we all remember, Bush senior didn't hide Dan Quayle during the Gulf War -- so what's going on?

Well, I think hiding the vice president -- besides being a prudent security measure -- is a stroke of genius.

Because now HE can start issuing video tapes from HIS hiding place. 

It's about time we hurled a little rhetoric along with the bombs.

Dick Cheney is brilliant on television. He can dominate any debate. He needs to smuggle out a video pointing out to those demonstrators in Pakistan and Palestine who the REAL hypocrite is. A long vice-presidential rant that lays out for those twenty-somethings what their lives would be like if they got their wish to live in a fundamentalist paradise.

If he plays it right, he might get almost as much attention from the cable networks as Osama gets!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FALSE ALARMS
Moved: 10/11/2001 5:22
CBS-FALSE ALARMS 10/10/01

Every wacko a terrorist. This is DR...

Now we have to ask two new question every time some wacko loses it ... 1) was he a terrorist? 2) how many people were contaminated?

Because of the anthrax case in Florida, emergency officials around Florida were getting all sorts of calls about suspicious white powders. In one case, Fort Lauderdale firefighters were quarantined for 12 hours, and a bank and a law firm were closed. One emergency management director commented (quote) "I could probably drop a package of Sweet 'N Low and evacuate this building."

At a Maryland subway station - it was a guy with a spray bottle that brought out the decontamination squad. The man pushed his way onto a Green Line train without paying -- and when police confronted him, he started pumping what appeared to be a spray bottle of Resolve carpet cleaner.

They finally subdued him with pepper spray.

Some passengers reported feeling ill, 15 police and Metro workers were quarantined and hosed off with bleach, and the station was sealed.

Initial testing on the spray bottle, however, revealed it contained a type of cleaning fluid. My guess is that it's pretty effective on carpets.

As for the sick passengers -- it turned out it was the pepper spray that did it.

What's interesting about this story is that the guy also had a knife, and a gun -- WHICH HE FIRED -- but what REALLY scared people -- was the spray bottle.

I guess the good news is that if someone breaks into your house and your gun isn't handy, you could get the drop on them with Windex.

I also predict that before this is over, every American will be decontaminated at least once.

Now this.

This is DR ... 
Index 

CBS UN CASUALTIES
Moved: 10/11/2001 5:22
CBS-UN-CASUALTIES 10/09/2001

Innocent casualties. This is DR...

Today's report is that the US attack on Kabul killed innocent people: 4 Afghan UN workers who were there to clear minefields were killed by a cruise missile. 

Everybody will want to know how it is that our precision bombs screwed up. And with the attacks going on around the clock there will be more screw-ups ... and you'll eventually wonder: as an American -- as one of the good guys -- what should your reaction be when American forces kill innocent people.

And to that, I say -- in a war, MOST of the people who die are innocent.

America has a head start in the innocent victim department -- we've got close to 7,000 already.

But even on the other side -- you could argue that everyone who gets killed besides Osama and his partners is innocent. His foot soldiers -- his suicide recruits -- they have been manipulated, haven't they? Their belief in God has been twisted by people they trust. Do they deserve what's in store?

Our own ground troops -- who are about to jump into the unknown. Even though they are well-armed and ready to kill -- THEY didn't start this. THEY don't deserve to come to harm either.

The demonstrator in Peshawar who was so intent on setting an American Flag on fire that he set himself on fire -- I bet you'd find that he's a nice kid if you got to know him -- just caught up in the moment!

We might as well acknowledge that in wars, MOST of the people who get killed are innocent.

That's why you never fight a war unless you are fighting it for reasons that are more important than individual lives. 

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS SKYJACKING
Moved: 10/11/2001 5:22
CBS-SKYJACKING 10/09/2001

He didn't have a chance. This is DR...

Well, if you were wondering about the sky marshals and the stronger cockpit doors -- they're not there yet. When that mentally-out-of-sorts passenger stormed the cockpit of American Airlines flight 1238 from Los Angeles Monday, the cockpit door obligingly sprung right open.

As for the sky marshals -- they were still in training somewhere.

However, it turns out that this particular plane had a brand new safety feature not on the FAA's list.

Passenger Bill Neff told a newspaper that once he and his fellow passengers saw the guy head screaming for the cockpit, it was to hell with the seatbelt sign -- they got up and ran after him. He described it as a "STAMPEDE."

Pilots and passengers quickly knocked 31 year old Edward Coburn and wrapped him in a blanket.

All the passengers heard him say was "Save the tower, save the tower" as if he thought the plane was headed for the Sears Tower and he was determined to save it.

So I suppose it's not really a hijacking since he was driven by delusions of heroism rather than terrorism.

But in any case, it turned out to be a useful drill. As a matter of fact, it's the most reassuring story I've heard in about three weeks.

The networks have been through America under attack, America Recovers, America on Alert -- now you can add one more: America Fed Up. 

The FAA can take its time. Every domestic flight already has about a HUNDRED sky marshals.

As a matter of fact, when the REAL sky marshals get there, they'd better be QUICK sky marshals or they'll have shoe prints on their backs.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DEATH TOLL
Moved: 10/8/2001 8:03
CBS-DEATH TOLL 10/08/2001

The fight for hearts and minds. This is DR...

The fight for hearts and minds is on -- and it's not just the hearts and minds of the Arab world, but of Americans here at home. The Taliban have full access to our media, and they've already appealing to our sense of guilt.

Within hours of the first explosion, there was tape of Osama Bin Laden reciting once again HIS indictment of the United States. WE'RE the ones that cause the children to starve in Iraq; WE'RE the reason Palestinians don't have a country. WE'RE the reason Afghan refugees are starving.

And then today -- Taliban ambassador Abdul Salam Zaeef, saying our bombs killed 20 afghans, including women, children, and elderly. He clearly was not impressed that we're also dropping packets of peanut butter, strawberry jam, crackers, and fruit pastries in refugee areas. 

Now -- as an American who went to college at the height of the Vietnam protests, I'm as ready as anyone to flagellate myself for being part of this war machine.

But I must tell you, Mr. Zaeef, that I can't get that giant TOMB in New York out of my mind. Nor can I accept the idea that the people buried there are somehow LESS innocent than your casualties just because they were Americans working in an office building.

And tell me, Mr. Zaeef, when your people retaliate with a car bomb, or whatever you decide to do next, do you think it will make us pull back? Or fight HARDER?

I've heard a lot of analysts warn about the danger of radicalizing Arab moderates. But have you thought about the danger of radicalizing MIDDLE AMERICA?

Maybe YOU should consider dropping fruit pastries.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PEACE MOVEMENT
Moved: 10/8/2001 8:03
CBS-PEACE MOVEMENT 10/08/2001

Waging peace. This is DR...

Here in Seattle it was only a few hours after the first bombs dropped that peace protesters gathered at the Federal Building.

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>brian-PROTEST-chant 1
Time: 7s
Out-cue: ]

The protestors do not at at ALL endorse what happened in New York -- they just don't believe that violence ever works:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>brian-PROTEST-dori 1
Time: 10s
Title: dori knapp-im here because...
Out-cue: secure safety]

To quote one web site -- "from the depths of this horrific tragedy, we must rise up and become passionate advocates of peace with justice, and conflict resolution. Only love leads to peace with justice, while hate takes us toward war and injustice."

And that is all true! And Americans need to learn that lesson. The only trouble is that there are still a few terrorists who ALSO need to learn that lesson. When are the men who are right now learning to strap the dynamite to their bellies going to learn that violence never works?

I think the problem is that there are plenty of protesters willing to bring their message to New York and Seattle, but not enough willing to bring the message to places like Qandahar, or Jalalabad. Those guys need to give peace a chance too, don't they?

Someone needs to tell THEM about love, peace, justice, conflict resolution -- ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES.

Then we can drop counselors on them next time.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS COLOMBIA
Moved: 10/5/2001 7:32
CBS-COLOMBIA 10/05/2001

One enemy at a time, please. This is DR...

The big question still on every American's mind is "Why do they hate us?" And there are various answers: our material wealth, our perceived spiritual poverty, our arrogance, our support of Israel, our stationing of troops in Saudi Arabia.... but the bottom line is that we have severely ticked-off a group of well-trained, fanatical warriors.

So, as we try to root THEM out, we ought to try NOT to create ANOTHER ticked off group of well-trained fanatical warriors, right?

Which is why a report by an organization called Human Rights Watch caught my eye.

You see, even as we are combing the mountains of Afghanistan for Osama, we are also training and equipping troops in Colombia to go after the drug trade. 

13 months ago, we sent 1.3 billion dollars to support Colombia's drug war: money to pay for advisers, training, and helicopters. Bi-partisan money -- with Speaker Hastert joining President Clinton in announcing our latest effort to help the Colombian army cleanse the jungles of drug-selling rebels.

But the new Human Rights Watch report shows that the Colomban army is in bed with a right-wing paramilitary group called the AUC -- which has been assassinating anybody it suspects of being a rebel. The list of atrocities is beginning to grow. And these atrocities are going to be associated with -- GUESS WHO! Yeah. US! The Good Guys! Who only got involved to save our misguided youth from crack!

And if it continues, we will have severely ticked-off ANOTHER group of well-trained, fanatical warriors -- except they'll be in Colombia. Which means they could just DRIVE here.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS HEROIN
Moved: 10/5/2001 7:32
CBS-HEROIN 10/04/2001

Finally  something Americans can do. This is DR...

It's been a frustrating three weeks. On one half of the TV screen, U.S. fighter planes, ships, tanks, troops; and on the other half of the TV screen, that same endless video loop of the thin man with the beard, cradling that assault rifle.

But there IS something that we as a society can do while we're waiting.

It came out this week during a hearing on Capitol Hill that the Taliban rulers have taken a little break from piety, and made a deal with the devil. 

The Drug Enforcement Administration has learned that they've arranged to make a pile of money on the OPIUM trade. In principle, of course, the Taliban are against opium -- just as they are against playing cards, and sororities; even issued an edict last year banning opium cultivation. But Afghanistan is EXCELLENT poppy-growing country -- and there was a lot stored in the warehouses, and when the ban made the price go up to TEN TIMES normal, well, the Taliban decided it was time to open the warehouses and start selling.

Here's the thing. Who BUYS all that opium... eventually it goes to rich countries like OURS. So I'd like to appeal to all addicts using heroin or other opiates: this would be a great time NOT to buy. This would be a great time to muster some patriotism and take a stand.

With the bank accounts frozen, these guys NEED this drug money. YOU can deny it to them.

Please -- boycott heroin! You can do it. 

And if you can't -- at least try to buy American.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS HARRY POTTER
Moved: 10/5/2001 7:32
CBS-HARRY POTTER 10/05/2001

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

Jacksonville, Florida-AP: Students in Duval County Florida will now need a slip from their parents to read Harry Potter books in their school libraries.

Schools across the county started sending home permission slips this week, and the local school board is looking at whether to keep the wildly popular children's series in school libraries.

The permission slips were instituted after a parent complained the books contain witchcraft.

Let's take that part real slow:

"After a parent complained the books contain witchcraft."

Well let's look at the book here... hmmm... spells, broomsticks, the Sorcerer's stone, a goblet of fire, chamber of secrets, a lightning bolt on the kid's head! Why -- their RIGHT! It's on every page! These Harry Potter books DO seem to be about witchcraft -- not just SOME of them, ALL of them!!

But more important -- what could it mean that, at a time like this, some Florida parents are worried that Harry Potter books might turn their kids into captives of the occult...

I think it may mean that some parts of America ... are slowly getting back to normal.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ANTHRAX
Moved: 10/5/2001 7:32
CBS-ANTHRAX 10/04/2001

How many times do we have to tell you, DON'T WORRY: This is DR...

If you're a public official or a TV anchor, your primary responsibility these days is to keep us all calm. Thursday -- when we had that little story about the sick person in Florida, the anchors warned us there was absolutely no reason to be sacred by the scary thing they were reporting.

For myself -- I will not specifically mention the thing that we were told not to worry about yesterday, because if I do, I am almost certain that some people will worry about something they have no business worrying about.

In fact, Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson called a news conference in the White House Press room, to CONFIRM that there is nothing to worry about. And the day before he told Congress that the American people should be calm; just be prepared to head straight to the doctor at the first sign of any mysterious symptoms. He also asked Congress for 1.4 billion dollars for programs to help Americans remain as calm as they've been remaining.

He also said we have enough medicine to treat two million people, so we have a concrete reason to be calm.

The other calming fact is that the case reported in Florida is very rare, and there hasn't been a case like it in 24 years, and that for it to happen NOW is a coincidence.

So to sum up, it's under control, it's not contagious, it's the first case in 24 years, and the reason it's being reported at all is that people are simply more alert to ... how important it is to remain calm.

You know something? I think that, for the sake of national security, we should all try our best to concentrate on baseball.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PEACE PROTESTORS
Moved: 10/3/2001 7:44
CBS-PEACE PROTESTORS 10/03/2001

Give peace a punch? This is DR...

I got an interesting e-mail this morning... which supposedly has been circulating among members of the military, and I'd like to read it to you:

It reads:

What to do if you happen upon a peace rally by stupid naive
hempshirtwearing college idiots, to teach them why force is
sometimes needed:

1) Approach dumb rich ignorant student talking about "peace"
and saying there should be, "no retaliation."

2) Engage in brief conversation, ask if military force is
appropriate.

3) When he says "No," ask, "Why not?"

4) Wait until he says something to the effect of, "Because that
would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful
and we should not cause more violence."

5) When he's in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard
as you can.

6) When he gets back up to up to punch you, point out that it
would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you,
because that would, "be awful and he should not cause more
violence."

7) Wait until he agrees that he has pledged not to commit
additional violence.

8) Punch him in the face again, harder this time.

Repeat steps 5 through 8 until they understand that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.
-------------
So there it is:

Now I know the author of this e-mail thinks it's a pretty clever and very patriotic message. But I would ask him this question: at a time like this, why would anyone waste time punching out a peace protestor?

The problem now, as I understand it, is terrorism -- people who carry bombs, not signs. I say the more peace protestors the better. Maybe the terrorists among us will be converted.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BUS ATTACK
Moved: 10/3/2001 7:44
CBS-BUS ATTACK 10/03/2001

Make it stop. This is DR...

Now there's been an attack on a Greyhound bus, leaving us all to wonder if al-Qaeda has decided to go after bus drivers. The attacker has a passport from Croatia, so this probably was not al-Quaeda. Although -- who can be sure anymore? The tragedy of this is that if the guy turns out NOT to be a terrorist, the people who died will be all but forgotten because the national radar screen is so full.

There is sometimes a fine line between being on ALERT and pathological paranoia.

109 people were evacuated from an Alaska Airlines jet after a metal object was found aboard the plane. It turned out to be nothing, and the plane left.

In Tyler, Texas eight-year-old Andre Bowers built a homemade flashlight from batteries and green duct tape for a science project. His mistake was putting it in the mailbox for safe keeping. The mail carrier called police, streets were blocked, residents were urged to leave, federal agents questioned mother and son before the all-clear was issued.

This might be a good time to conduct an exercise which I have to conduct myself from time to time to stay sane.

I ask myself -- what has actually happened to me personally; what direct, first-hand evidence do I have that planes, high-rises, busses, or mailboxes are unsafe?

In other words, if I hadn't been watching so much news, would I have a reason to be worried?

And for most of us, the answer will come back -- well, had it not been for television, I wouldn't have seen ANYTHING out of the ordinary in the last three weeks. 

The biggest event would have been PTA orientation night.

It works -- for a while.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BLAIR SPEECH
Moved: 10/2/2001 7:39
CBS-BLAIR SPEECH 10/02/2001

Tick, tick, tick. This is DR...

Do you get the feeling time is about to run out? 

It's a good thing the Taliban don't watch TV, because they wouldn't like what's on now. 

British Prime Minister Tony Blair was the latest prophet warning them to repent or face destruction.

He described the cries of the innocent from airplanes and offices. Making the case for self defense.

He talked about the brutality of a fundamentalist regime that, in addition to murdering the innocent, suppresses debate, suppresses competing philosophies, and suppresses women, all while selling heroin to support itself. That makes the moral case.

And at NATO headquarters, the secretary general called the evidence against Osama bin Laden "clear and compelling." That makes the legal case.

So all the paperwork is in order.

At this point, under normal circumstances there would STILL be ONE thing protecting the Taliban -- the deep American need to be seen as good guys. Our sensitivity to TV pictures of innocent casualties.

But the rules are different now, because we've SEEN innocent casualties. Plenty of them.

"Watch out" the Taliban warn -- do not underestimate Afghan fighters! They know hardship; they have been recruited as boys, they are fighting for their homes.

But while hardship can breed toughness, it can also breed fatigue. Boys with guns can demonstrate dedication, but also DESPERATION. As for fighting for your home -- loyalties change fast in Afghanistan. Those bags of wheat aren't stamped with the Taliban logo.

So, I see why the TVs are off. The fall season promises far too many reality shows. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PRIVACY
Moved: 10/2/2001 7:39
CBS-PRIVACY 10/02/2001

Should YOU be watched? This is DR...

The war we're about to fight has not ONE but TWO fronts. Afghanistan AND here at home. The FBI has been knocking on a lot of doors -- rounding up everybody on the watch list. They want to get it done before the military strikes begin -- just in case someone has a counterattack on his mind.

The question is -- how far should it go? And it's important because THIS is the part that will directly affect most of us. 

Should the government run a background check every time you buy a plane ticket?

Should wiring large amounts of money, or having an Arab name, or having a pilots license, or taking pictures of tall buildings -- or a combination -- earn you a visit from the FBI?

Should your facial features be checked against a database of suspects each time you enter an airport?

Should your e-mail and phone calls be run through a government computer first, to be checked for suspicious words or phrases.

Should the computers that handle your bank account start beeping when you write a suspicious check?

This is the debate that's going on now.

Because along with everything else -- September 11th demonstrated the flip side of a modern hi-tech society: it cannot tolerate even SMALL numbers of ruthless people who are bent on destroying it.

It is becoming clear that regardless of who ordered the attack, everything we saw that day was carried out by 19 people. 19 people who had managed to hide themselves. 

We're debating whether it should remain so easy to hide in America. I hope we come up with something. Because one more attack like that -- and the debate will be over.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS TALIBAN IN CONTROL
Moved: 10/2/2001 7:39
CBS-TALIBAN IN CONTROL 10/01/01

The Americans don't have the courage to come here. This is DR...

Mullah Mohammed Omar, leader of the Taliban, appeared on Kabul Radio, the government run station, and warned the United States to (QUOTE) "think and think again" about attacking Afghanistan. 

"Americans don't have the courage to come here," he said. "If you attack us, there will be no difference between you and the Russians," he said -- the Russians of course were finally driven out of Afghanistan. 

I know that Taliban are supposed to be formidable opponents, but they appear to be a little... unplugged. There IS a BIG difference between this war and the war against the Russians. The Russians weren't just fighting mujahedin warriors -- they were fighting mujahedin warriors supplied with American weapons and money.

This time, there is only one supply line for weapons, and it won't be going to the Taliban.

Then we have the conflicting statements. First, the Taliban said they didn't know where Osama bin Laden was -- which was smart PR - but now they say they DO know where he is, and they have him under control, and in fact have controlled his actions for two years. 

Are they trying to prevent an attack, or help JUSTIFY it?

Meantime Taliban authorities announced that six men, arrested for distributing pamphlets supporting the US, could get the death penalty for it. Which tells me that either there is a little spontaneous dissension brewing or the CIA already has people on the ground.

I really think that it would be a good idea for them to put Osama on a bus.

Now this.

Index 

CBS UNITY
Moved: 10/2/2001 7:39
CBS-UNITY 10/01/01

Unity is Hell. This is DR...

The mail is always full of mail from interest groups, warning that if they don't get money from you, their opponents will win the day, and the result will be something scary. Environmentalists warn that the air will choke you and the forests will be destroyed. Gundementalists warn you that Sarah Brady will take all your guns. Traditional Values groups warn your that your children will grow up to be homosexual, or bi-sexual, or just TOO SEXUAL.

I'm even getting e-mails critical of Hillary -- because she looked annoyed and impatient during Bush's speech to Congress.

I don't know about you, but all this stuff seems so ... dated.

I mean, federal officials are on TV warning about ANTHRAX. None of the usual catastrophes are as scary anymore.

Gun rights people are worried they might have to fill out more forms at gun shows? Please. 

The Family Research Council is worried that President Bush is too sympathetic to the homosexual agenda because he met with gay activists during the campaign? Later, maybe.

I saw in the New York times that some group is upset because the District of Columbia is offering health care benefits to unmarried domestic partners! We're trying to get ready for the next attack and you're still worried about who people sleep with?

What passes for a crisis has changed.

And if you doubt it -- Bill Clinton was suspended from practicing law before the Supreme Court -- and it barely merited a crawling headline along the bottom of the screen. Three weeks ago, cable networks would have gone wall-to-wall: CLINTON DISBARRED, with graphics and a theme song.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS MICHAEL JORDAN
Moved: 9/28/2001 12:01
CBS-MICHAEL JORDAN 9/26/2001

Three years was enough. This is DR...

It was the storybook ending so few athletes get - when Michael Jordan went out on that game-winning shot three years ago... wins the game, wins the championship -- what a time to go!

And sports writers wonder aloud why he would come out of retirement at the age of 38 after three years OFF the court.

He had it MADE. He had a chance to do grander things than merely play a game. He could spend more time with his kids. He could visit the Nike factories to reassure the world that only HAPPY Southeast Asians make sneakers.

He told reporters that he might be the next Jackie Robinson or Hank Aaron -- become outspoken on social issues. He wanted to play golf. He wanted to sit in the front office -- running basketball operations for the Washington Wizards -- if a team that won only 19 games last year can be said to have a basketball operation -- in other words, even though he could still play, he had made the smart decision: to move on at the TOP of his game.

And, sports writers wonder, how crazy can he be to try to stage a comeback now? 

Well I'll tell you why: because golf, social activism, factory tours, watching your kids on the see-saw -- it's BORING. Especially when you remember what it's like to have 20,000 fans, including fans for the opposing team -- cheering for you!

He must have woken up one morning and said -- wait a minute - working at a desk is what ORDINARY people do. I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS! I've got talent!

So good luck Michael -- basketball may not be the most important job in the world, but you love it, and you do it well, and you'll sell a pile of tickets.

Now this: 
Index 

CBS SACRIFICES
Moved: 9/28/2001 12:01
CBS-SACRIFICES 9/27/2001

Can we handle it? This is DR...

There is no curbside check in. 

There are more questions at the ticket counter.

At the security check, if you set off the metal detectors, you don't get to take off your watch and and go through again, it's an automatic search with the hand scanner, plus a pat down.

Anything that remotely resembles a sharp object -- nail clippers, those gizmos that nip off the end of a cigar -- gone.

If you want to carry on a computer -- you have to take it out of the case for examination.

MAN it's annoying.

So here's something to occupy your mind as you wait in line.

Sixty years ago, our parents were asked to gather up metal, rubber, steel -- right down to old shovels and empty lipstick tubes -- to be used in the war effort. We're being asked to check our nail clippers.

Sixty years ago our parents were asked line up for rations of gasoline, coffee, sugar, and meat. We are being asked to come to the airport an hour earlier.

Our parents were asked to wear pants without cuffs to save fabric. We're being asked to empty our pockets before the security check.

Our parents were asked to invest ten percent of their income in war bonds. We're being asked to pay a little more for cockpit doors and sky marshals.

Our parents were asked to work longer hours, to get jobs in factories riveting planes together, even if it meant dropping out of high school. We're being asked ... to take our vacations and spend money.

Oh I know it will be tough, and these sacrifices will test what we're made of -- but if you doubt that it's possible -- call your parents. Ask them.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ATTA LETTER
Moved: 9/28/2001 12:01
CBS-ATTA LETTER 9/28/2001

Last words. This is DR...

The Washington Post published the final checklist of hijacker Mohammed Atta: five handwritten pages which the FBI found in his luggage. Some excerpts.

• "Purify your heart and clean it from all earthly matters. The time of fun and waste has gone. The time of judgment has arrived. 

• "Everybody hates death, fears death. But only those, the believers who know the life after death and the reward after death, would be the ones who will be seeking
death."

• You will be entering paradise.

• "Check all of your items – your bag, your clothes, knives, your will, your IDs, your passport.

• "When you enter the plane [pray]:

"Oh God, open all doors for me. Oh God who answers those who ask you, I am asking you for your help. I am asking you for forgiveness. I am asking you to lighten my way. 

Chilling, isn't it? Not just because we are reading the words of a man who killed thousands of people -- but because that those words are so similar to the words millions of us hear in our OWN worship services -- except the part about the knives, of course.

"Oh God, open all doors for me..." That could come from any pulpit in America. "God, lighten my way..." that could be a child's bedtime prayer.

He conquered his fear of death by focusing on the life to come -- something a LOT of us are taught.

And it's chilling because we begin to wonder -- was this prayer answered?

If only God would drop some hint. If these guys DID end up with the 72 virgins, I'd rather NOT know, but if they ARE in some remote hell, Lord if you would maybe drop a note to the Associated Press? So we could get the message out?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS AGREEMENT
Moved: 9/28/2001 12:01
CBS-AGREEMENT 9/28/2001

Lions and lambs. This is DR...

I don't know whether it's due to patriotism, or the shock of what's happened, or divine intervention - but at the very time when you'd think emotions in Washington DC would be ruling the day, common sense has taken over.

Remember the old days, when it was so easy to tell a liberal from a conservative? The days when you could predict EXACTLY what a member of Congress would be thinking by looking for the "R" or "D" after his name?

Not anymore. Politicians seem to be doing something we don't usually see -- making up their own minds!

Look at George W. Bush -- people who had him figured for a "guns in the cockpit" guy have turned out to be wrong. 

When he released his checklist for airline security -- cockpit guns were noticeably absent.

As for his critics -- many of them have turned around. Where once they looked for stray syllables to ridicule, NOW when he makes up a word they rush to add it to the dictionary.

As for the Attorney General's request for more law enforcement powers -- you find liberals ready to consider them, and conservatives ready to stop them from going too far.

You see Republican Senator Arlen Specter joining Democrat Ted Kennedy in objecting to the request to detain indefinitely immigrants who are considered a threat to national security.

On the idea of widening the definition of terrorism -- Maxine Waters, as liberal as they come, shares the concern of Bob Barr -- as conservative as they come -- that it could go too far.

It's almost as if we have decided to demonstrate to the world the contrast between zealotry and good old American-style compromise.

Long may it last.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TERRORISM
Moved: 9/27/2001 13:11
CBS-TERRORISM 5/10/2001

Guarding against terrorists. This is DR...

I hate it when Congress holds hearings on terrorism. Oh, I appreciate that they're setting up an office of National Preparedness to make sure everyone's ready for terrorist attacks, but just saying that means that we're NOT.

I HATE hearing that. It's always the same at these hearings -- expert after expert gets up there and says, even if we build a working anti-missile system, there may be no way to stop a boat bomb, or a truck bomb, or a backpack bomb, or a germ bomb, and the customs inspectors can't inspect everything coming in, so we need rapid response teams.

And all this is broadcast on TV! Why don't we just give Osama Bin Laden a road map?

I'm really glad everyone wants to protect me from terrorist, but in the meantime, I'm petrified. 

Plus, we all know what the result of these hearings will be -- Congress will take all the testimony from the experts, then a group of people will hole up in a room for six months to write a huge report on exactly what to do in case of terrorist attack, and I know exactly what it'll say: Page one -- DROP THIS REPORT AND RUN LIKE HELL!

I find one source of consolation however -- watching what's been going on in California this week, rush-hour traffic jammed as traffic lights go dark, factories shutting down because of the latest rolling blackouts -- I have hope that perhaps it won't have to be as the terrorism experts predict. 

We may not have to worry about some rogue weapon being smuggled into our midst.

Why should a terrorist bother with a suitcase bomb, when all he has to do is sneak around the country selling AIR CONDITIONERS and the whole place will go dark!

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS AFRAID TO FLY
Moved: 9/26/2001 7:53
CBS-AFRAID TO FLY 9/26/2001

The airline layoffs continue. This is DR.... 

They take the train, they take the bus, or they just don't go. A lot of Americans who USED to fly, have grounded themselves.

No one would try to diminish the magnitude of what happened -- I went to the site and saw it for myself.

But we are not under a barrage. The country is intact. If you want to dwell on the dangers of traveling -- dwell on this: 

The National Sleep Foundation reports today that one in five motorists admits having fallen asleep at the wheel in the past year. 100,000 crashes annually and 1500 deaths caused each year by drivers who nap at 60 miles an hour!

And as FOR drunk drivers -- there's a new report on the number of accidents THEY cause. It's going up again. Last year -- 16,653 people were killed in crashes due to drunkenness. That's three World Trade Centers. 16,000 last year, 16,000 this year, next year...

After the attack I flew TO New York, and I flew BACK from New York. Except for the security, the only difference I noticed was that getting on and off the plane was a breeze because almost no one had a carry-on. I actually had the experience of being on a plane that pushed off from the gate five minutes EARLY.

I've even had listeners tell me that their captain invited passengers to introduce themselves to each other before takeoff. Flying is a love-fest! The skies finally ARE friendly.

So you can worry about who's on your plane -- if you want, but at least they've been checked out.

I'd be more worried about who's the behind the wheel of the oncoming car. Who's checking him out?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS OMAR
Moved: 9/26/2001 7:53
CBS-OMAR 9/25/2001

A way out of the maze. This is DR...

No movement yet from the Taliban, and it's hard to find anyone optimistic about the battle to come. But I found ONE expert who is: he's Omar Zakhilwal, of the Institute for Afghan Studies in Ottawa. We can win, and win decisively, he says -- IF we fight smart, and IF we fix our first big mistake -- which was to allying ourselves with Pakistan -- the Taliban's biggest sponsor:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Omar2
Time: 1s
Title: OMAR
In-cue: Pakistan created Taliban
Out-cue: ]

Most Afghans, he says, do not like the Taliban, and they do not like Pakistan -- who they feel is only interested in maintaining the chaos that leaves terrorists unchecked. So number one: do NOT call Pakistan an ally. 

Number two: admit that, as a country, we have made mistakes:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Omar3
Time: 8s
Title: OMAR
In-cue: Wants one more thing from US:
Out-cue: ]

Yes, we'd have to eat crow. But once we've done that, he says, we can win over the population -- which wants to be on America's side.

Omar Zakhilwal says that President Bush should change the name of the campaign to: Operation Liberate Afghanistan, and announce that our military -- WITHOUT Pakistan's help, intends to overthrow the Taliban, and give Afghans a chance for self-determination. That, he says, would bring an immediate response:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Omar1
Time: 6s
Title: Omar
In-cue: You will see uprising
Out-cue: ]

In other words, he predicts the Afghan population would actually HELP us! 

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>OMAR4
Time: 10s
Title: Omar
In-cue: A much more effective way than now
Out-cue: ]

Now this:

This is DR 
Index 

CBS TAX HAVENS
Moved: 9/26/2001 6:48
CBS-TAX HAVENS 9/24/2001

Getting at the secret accounts. This is DR...

The attack has begun-- and the chosen ammo is the international financial system.

"One dime of money into terrorist activity is one dime too much." And acting on that principle, the President today signed an order which freezes the accounts of terrorist organizations.

But here's the part that caught my attention: "We've put banks around the world on notice" said the President, "If you do business with terrorists, you will not do business with the United States of America." UNQUOTE.

It sound to me like he's talking about those offshore banks which aren't just used as safe havens for terrorist funds, but as safe havens for money launderers, ordinary criminals, and wealthy people looking to avoid taxes.

Officials of the United States AND Europe were on the verge of targeting these banks LAST SPRING when the campaign "faltered" to quote Senator Carl Levin, who has been working on this for a long time.

The reason it faltered was that Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill announced he had "serious concerns" that to crackdown on these offshore banks was unduly interfering in the affairs of other countries. But a lot has changed since then -- and now we see the Treasury Secretary standing in the Rose Garden and warning any bank that doesn't cooperate -- "We will punish you."

And I wouldn't be surprised if it's as much out of a need to pay for the war as to annoy the terrorists:

The estimated amount of US tax revenue lost due to assets hidden offshore -- is $70 billion dollars a YEAR.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PLEDGE
Moved: 9/26/2001 6:48
CBS-PLEDGE 9/24/2001

Legislating loyalty. This is DR...

Have you noticed something? Patriotism has spread throughout the land. Even among the "whatever" generation -- people display the flag, wear the flag, and pledge allegiance to the flag.

And you may notice something else? It wasn't legislation that did it!

The pledge was falling into disuse, kids just didn't care. When a high school outside Seattle tried to re-impose a daily pledge to the flag, kids rebelled.

Some students sat silent -- others started to pound their chests, some made up their own words, some even gave the Nazi salute. The student body president called the Pledge a brainwashing technique.

In Virginia -- the legislature passed a new law to REQUIRE that all teachers lead their classes in the pledge every morning.

The kids there rebelled too. They circulated petitions. Some refused to stand.

But now, we get reports that in classrooms around the country the pledge is NOT such a hard sell anymore. Students WANT to say it. Because they see a reason; they see that America DOES stand for something, and that what it stands for is under attack.

Suddenly, they begin to understand for themselves why there is a flag.

There is a lesson here -- that it does a nation no good to attempt to impose loyalty. That it is not only futile but HARMFUL to prohibit flag burning, or to FORCE people to salute the flag.

Because ONLY when people are free to be UN-PATRIOTIC can you be sure that PATRIOTISM, when it erupts, is the real thing, and that national unity is genuine.

And our enemies know it too.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS FLYING WHILE ARAB
Moved: 9/26/2001 6:47
CBS-FLYING WHILE ARAB 9/25/2001

Profiling is back. This is DR...

We are clearly determined to close at least one security loophole -- young Arab men with box cutters are going to have a lot of trouble getting on a plane.

But in the process -- Arabs in this country are being made to feel like criminals. Some who came here for an education are going back home -- the stares they get are too much. The cops look 'em up and down, and when they enter an airport -- they know that the security wand has their name on it. Those who are American citizens find themselves looking for ways to prove their loyalty.

According to the justice department's own news releases, there is no evidence that the hijackers received any help from anyone who actually knew what they were up to, or that they got any special help from the Arab community.

Some investigators believe they HAD to have accomplices scouting airports, and arranging flight training. And yet so far -- there is no evidence of that.

Of the 352 people already questioned and the 392 still being sought, there is no indication that any of them are linked to al-Qaeda -- the terrorist group suspected of carrying out the attack.

The man arrested Monday and charged with helping one of the hijackers get a Virginia drivers' license under a false address? His name is Herbert Villalobos, alias Hector Diaz. Neither name has an Arab ring to it.

All the dead ends force us to face another possibility: that the 19 hijackers who died may be it. 

-- That 19 people ARE enough to pull this off. And that the only support they needed was a pile of money... and a date.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS COCKPIT GUNS
Moved: 9/26/2001 6:47
CBS-FIGHT BACK 9/24/2001

Pilots bearing arms. This is DR...

The pilots have changed their minds -- now they want to be allowed to carry guns in the cockpit, and the FAA is ready to consider it. That's how afraid we are.

That is by no means the only idea floating around: I've received all sorts of suggestions -- stronger cockpit doors, of course.

But there's also the remote control idea: a panic button in the cockpit that would let air traffic controllers fly a plane from the ground in an emergency, so that the cockpit controls would be inoperative. That's a little scarier -- that would mean a terrorist who cracks the radio code could start taking over planes from the ground.

There's the cabin pressure idea: a crew under attack would de-pressurize the cabin, so that everyone who wasn't in his seat with an oxygen mask would black out in 20 seconds. Of course in 20 seconds a terrorist could rush the cockpit and take away the crew's masks.

There's the roller coaster idea: instead of seat belts, roller coaster bars -- so you COULDN'T get up unless the member of the crew released you.

There's the passenger insurrection idea -- that you would deliberately seat the largest male passengers on the aisle or in first class, so that they could quickly overpower any hijackers. Unless the biggest, strongest men turned out to BE the hijackers.

And finally, you could just handcuff all the passengers for the duration of the flight.

And you know what we'll come back to after tossing all these ideas around? That nothing can replace trust. To conquer fear of flying -- or fear of ANYTHING -- you just have to TRUST that there are more good people in the world than bad. 

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS NEW YORK SCRIPTS
Moved: 9/24/2001 14:27
CBSMON1 9/17/2001

Tale of two cities. This is DR* this week from New York City, and if you wonder whether you can still visit, get a hotel room, eat at a great restaurant, visit the museums, go to a show, go to a concert  the answer is that: as long as it's north of Canal Street, go wild.

The city is open for business. The cars pack the streets of Midtown Manhattan as usual. Flags from antennas, on dashboards, stuck in the windows. Overhead, flags hang from hirise balconies, a giant banner flies from the Brooklyn Bridge, the video marquee at Madison Square garden displays a waving flag at half mast.

But the sidewalk carts are out, selling honey roasted peanuts, and the souvenir shops sell pictures of the skyline  the way it was. Manhattan is open for business. North of Canal Street. 

It's SOUTH of Canal street that everything changes. Crossing Canal Street reminds me of what it was like to cross from West Berlin to East Berlin in the days of the wall. Instead of crowded streets and open shops; empty streets, closed shops, dark buildings and soldiers on every corner. Cops check ID, and they take their time doing it. One woman trying to get home showed the State Trooper her California drivers license. "I've only been here 3 months" she said. "State law requires you to get a NY license after 30 days" he said. "I don't drive," she said. "You should get current ID" he said. She finally produced a piece of mail with her New York address, and he let her through.

New York is two cities today  South of Canal, the worst of times, North of Canal, trying to make the best of times.

Now this.

This is DR...

CBSMON2 9/17/2001

The great reset. This is DR…

Investors are learning a new term this morning. The market is resetting. RESETTING. That’s what you do when your computer freezes – you press reset, and your computer eventually boots up again. And so far – that appears to be what’s happening.

As for why it fell at all, in spit of the calls for patriotic investing? We you have to remember that not all investors are American – but also remember that the ability to sell and buy freely is what a market is all about. People require cash to do business, and if your assets are in stock, and you need cash TODAY, the only way to get it is to sell that stock to someone. And in a free market system, that buyer is only going to pay you what he thinks it’s worth.

So airlines are taking the biggest hit – until people realize that it really is safe to travel.

But I think about the companies that lost office space and won’t be able to operate anywhere near normally, and worst of all, companies that lost so many employees. It’s the people and the way they are organized that creates value.

And this may be something else that has to change in this new world we’ve entered. In a war against terrorism, everything is a target. Military strategists know that when you’re out in the field, you disperse. You never let the enemy trap your army in one place. 

Business does just the opposite – packs its people together in high rise buildings. Maybe the time will come when more of us will find ourselves telecommuting – or working in more dispersed offices, not as a matter of convenience – but as a matter of national security.

Now this.

CBSTUES1 9/18/2001

One week after. This is DR…

It’s been a week, and the persistence of the New York fire department has become legendary. Despite the gentle warnings from the Mayor that the chances of finding survivors are slim, they go back, day after day without breaks, without significant sleep, taking breaks only to get the food they need to keep their strength up.

You see them trudging out of ground zero in faded yellow coveralls, boots covered with dust, faces dirty, and with a week’s worth of horror in their eyes.

The firefighters aren’t just sifting debris on the surface; they go under the debris, again and again. Into collapsed stairwells, into any space large enough for a man to squeeze into. Yesterday they rappelled on ropes to the PATH station – five stories down. There, in the dark and the dust, they saw the trains. The station was collapsed on both sides. The escalator was collapsed. But the cars themselves were empty.

Why do they still go down – even after a week? A firefighter who’d been there since Tuesday stood next to a barricade and TOLD me why:

TAPE: “If my buddy… if my buddy could talk to me… He would tell me you gotta look for me for more than seven days. There are guys who can last seven, ten days down there. I’m waiting for him to call me on my cell phone and order me a pizza down there. It’s going to be a rescue operation for however many days. We’re not the average guys.

Now this.

This is DR…

CBSTUES2 9/18/2001

Welcome to the front. This is DR…

We’re now a week into what everyone is calling a new war.

But you’ve seen the pictures of Afghanistan. There is nothing to bomb. It’s impoverished people living in tents.

This is the incubator of antiWestern hatred – but what do you do about it? Can we bomb them? Just for reproducing?

Let’s look at the map of the battlefield: the map of where the hijackers lived and where the material witnesses have been arrested – all the thumbtacks are in US cities.

They’re here because their weapon of choice is our own technology – including the stock market – where 590 billion dollars vanished Monday.

So welcome to the front!

The President has said this war will end on OUR terms, but right now it’s being waged on THEIR terms. And THEIR terms are  to hide, to blend in. If we start hunting down people dressed in long beards and turbans, they will shave the beards and take off the turbans.

If we start making everybody go through metal detectors they will use plastic. If we lock the cockpits, they will try something else.

But if we don’t know the means, we do know the targets: anyplace where there are large numbers of people gathered.

No one wants to dwell on that, because if you dwell on it pretty soon you’re afraid to go out. But that’s why we are going to see the kind of security that Americans have always rebelled against.

And to think that right before this happened, we thought red light cameras were an invasion of privacy.

Welcome to the front.

Now this.

This is DR…

CBSWEDS1 9/19/2001

America rising  or America hiding? This is DR...

America's big airlines may end up laying off 100,000 employees. Boeing has announced that by the end of next year IT may lay off as many as 30,000 workers.

And the reason is that Americans are staying home. Part of it is because of a business slowdown that was already underway, but most of it appears to be fear.

It's no surprise that travel to New York City is down: but Louisiana? Idaho? Florida? Hawaii? Anchorage? All report that bookings are down. You can understand why the Plaza Hotel here in New York is three quarters empty  but people canceling trips to other cities?

I thought patriotism was spreading throughout the land! This isn't just the land of the free, it's the home of the brave!

Lower Manhattan looks pretty bad  no getting around that  but the rest of the city is untouched. The rest of the country is untouched. None of us are being asked to crawl through wreckage as New York's firefighters have been doing for seven days now. No one is being asked to run back into a burning tower  as stockbroker Walter Wik did; his body was pulled from the wreckage this week.

What Mayor Giuliani has asked; what the PRESIDENT has asked  is that we work and travel as we would normally do.

If that means no carryons, then we pack it in the suitcase. If that means we wait three hours, we wait three hours.

We're Americans  we can do it! And if we can't  then the flags we're waving might as well be white.

Now this.

This is DR...

CBSWEDS2 9/19/2001

How to win without losing? This is DR... this week from New York City.

A week ago, a lot of Americans were hoping to see the bombs fly. Now we ask the question "at what?" Defense Secretary Rumsfeld has acknowledged there is little in Afghanistan that other countries haven't already bombed.

The pictures we've seen from Kabul explain why the people there might not be as outraged as we are by ground zero. Wreckage, dust; the smell of death  they've lived with that for years.

What's the point of dropping bombs that are worth far more than any target they could possibly hit? At the same time, you cannot ignore the demolition of the largest office complex in the world, the attack on the Pentagon, and deaths of 5500 people. And if Taliban refuse to surrender the prime suspect, do you just leave them alone?

Professor David Yaar says there is another option. He teaches economics at California State in Hayward. And he represents the community of Afghan intellectuals who live here and who understand the Taliban.

They're keeping a low profile now for fear of retribution. But Professor Yaar says its time to mobilize them:

TAPE: 

And that, says Professor Yaar, might be more effective than any bomb.

This is Dave Ross.

CBSTHURS1 9/20/2001

Knowing the enemy. This is DR...

The troops are being called up, and the bombers are moving to within striking distance of Afghanistan,

We've heard many derogatory adjectives to describe who we re up against. Cowards. Evil. Bastards.

But to those, we may be forced to add one more. Brilliant. They were like chess players who can think six or seven moves ahead. It isn't just that they used American flight schools, or chose a flight that originated in Portland Maine to avoid the tougher security in Boston, or even that they trained in martial arts. But we now know that the day before the attack there was a flurry of stock market deals. Socalled PUT options, which are purchased by people who think the price of a stock is likely to fall.

Here's the list of the stocks that saw unusually heavy trading: AMR, parents of American Airlines. UAL  parent company of United. Morgan Stanley, whose offices at 2 World Trade Center continue to smolder.

There is, of course, the possibility that all this is coincidence, and the Securities and Exchange Commission will only say that it is investigating all reports of suspicious trades.

But brokers smell a rat. And if TRUE, this means we're dealing with an enemy that doesn't just plan its attacks, but plans for the response; an enemy that can rob the bank even as it destroys the bank.

You can call them evil, you can call them cowards, you can call them bastards, but you can also call them smart. Which means you can call them ONE other thing. Long gone from Afghanistan.

Now this.

CBSTHURS2 9/20/201

Trust us. This is DR...

Here's one of the more aggravating headlines I've seen: "Roadblocks Cited In Efforts to Trace Bin Laden's Money." It's on the front page of the New York Times.

The story goes on to explain that there is a network of paperless brokers called "hawala"  a Hindi name which means "in trust."

Using this system, a broker in Pakistan, for example, could transfer $ 100,000 to a broker in Florida on nothing more than a code word.

No records, no red flags, no investigation.

The cash is dispensed in small amounts, and no one is the wiser.

Can you imagine?? Here we all carry wallets full of plastic  and EVERY TIME we use them, the transaction is meticulously documented. There is a computer somewhere that knows exactly when you last charged your groceries and what you bought. When you buy GAS  you get a receipt that shows the number of gallons, the price per gallon, the total amount, and the time of purchase TO THE SECOND!

The last time you withdrew money from an ATM  a computer recorded the amount, the time, the location, and very likely snapped your picture!

And yet there are foreign countries and banks who are given access to our stock markets even though they may keep NO written records of some transactions.

I remember when we redesigned our currency  with the larger pictures and the microprinting  the conspiracy crowd was worried that tiny magnetic threads in the paper could be used to trace private transactions.

I would always reassure such people that they were wrong about that.

Too bad. Now this. This is DR...

CBSFRI2 9/21/01

Images remembered. This is DR.

I've spent this past week in New York City, seeing ground zero, talking to 
rescuers, clerics, passers by  but most of all, just watching and 
listening.

These are my snapshots:

A poster stuck to a car window with Uncle Sam pointing his finger. Only 
it's the middle finger.

The Canal Street subway station  the tiled wals covered with posters from 
school children: red white and blue, but also green and yellow and orange, 
some with pictures of the twin towers and crayon flames. with notes thanking 
firefighters and police.

People clustered around the darkened skyscraper museum in lower Manhattan, 
the museum's windows dusted with the remains of one of its exhibits.

At the corner of Bridge and Whitehall  an Easter candle, three feet long, 
strapped to a stop sign with emergency tape.

Standing on Liberty Street  and watching the sun set behind the remains of 
the South Tower.

At a deli in the frozen zone  next to the cash register  a pile of unsold 
New York Times. All dated September 11th.

At night on the Staten Island Ferry, passing the Statue of Liberty, then 
looking north. The buildings are silhouettes. The smoke behind them glows 
in the floodlights. And through the smoke, lighted red, white, and blue, 
the tower of the Empire State building. There is no heroic soundtrack to 
make you feel good about it, only the sound of the engines and the water.

And then, stepping off the ferry, the souvenir stands. full of postcards of 
the city the way it was. A time that already seems long ago.
Now this.

CBSSAT 1 9/20/2001

What does the Koran say? This is DR...

Perhaps it no longer needs to be said, but any religious justification for the attack on New York has been pretty thoroughly dismissed by Muslim clerics in America.

I visited the Islamic Cultural Center of New York on Third Ave  a modernized version of the traditional Mosque with a dome and a minaret  which these days guarded by a city police detail.

There is a streaming readerboard at the entrance with a continuous message expressing sorrow and condemning the attack  and just beyond the carpeted prayer room, Imam Mohammed Gemeaha met me in his office, dressed in a gray tunic and a red cap.

The Koran, clearly condemns killing in the strongest terms: killing in retaliation IS permitted  but ONLY against the specific individual who caused the offense.

The Koran does NOT allow a general attack on a social system, or on the innocent occupants of a skyscraper.

CUT 1

But then the Imam noted the preparations for a possible attack on Afghanistan. And he warned that without evidence, the Koran would condemn THAT type of attack as well.

CUT 2

Now this.

This is DR...

CBSSAT2 9/21/2001

My fellow Americans  on with your lives. This is DR.

A $15 billion rescue package is on the way to America's airlines. but 
there's only one REAL rescue package, and that would have to come from us.

And as one of the few Americans who's been flying lately, let me put in an 
unabashed plug for the airlines. Frankly, I've never found flying to be a 
particularly pleasant experience. But THIS week  I experienced something 
I never had before  a plane without carryon baggage.

May I tell you what it's like? There's a freedom to it that air travelers 
seldom feel. Once you get through security, you are unencumbered  you can 
walk around the gate area, get a snack, read a paper, watch TV, use the 
bathroom, without having to keep an eye on the stupid bag.

And when it's time to board the plane  you can actually board the plane! 
It's as easy as getting on a bus. You can walk straight to your seat, 
because you don't have twenty people trying to figure out why their bin 
won't close.

And the FLIP side of NO carry ons is an even GREATER benefit to humanity: 
no carry OFFs. So you won't get smacked by somebody whose trail bike 
shifted during takeoff. It means that when the plane arrives at the gate, 
you can actually get OFF.

The security will be annoying, and I certainly couldn't blame you for 
feeling apprehensive. But we're being asked to do our jobs and live our 
lives. And whatever the inconvenience, as we have all seen, it is small 
compared to the sacrifices already made.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TAX HAVENS
Moved: 9/24/2001 8:03
CBS-TAX HAVENS 9/24/2001

Getting at the secret accounts. This is DR...

The attack has begun-- and the chosen ammo is the international financial system.

"One dime of money into terrorist activity is one dime too much." And acting on that principle, the President today signed an order which freezes the accounts of terrorist organizations.

But here's the part that caught my attention: "We've put banks around the world on notice" said the President, "If they fail to help us, the Department of the Treasury will freeze THEIR bank's assets in the US. If you do business with terrorists, you will not do business with the United States of America." UNQUOTE.

It sound to me like he's talking about those offshore banks which aren't just used as safe havens for terrorist funds, but as safe havens for money launderers, ordinary criminals, and wealthy people looking to avoid taxes.

Officials of the United States AND Europe were on the verge of targeting these banks LAST SPRING when the campaign "faltered" to quote Senaor Carl Levin, who has been working on this for a long time.

The reason it faltered was that Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill announced he had "serious concerns" that to crackdown on these offshore banks was unduly interferring in the affairs of other countries. But a lot has changed since then -- and now we see the Treasury Secretary standing in the Rose Garden and warning any bank that doesn't cooperate -- "We will punish you."

And I wouldn't be surprised if it's as much out of a need to pay for the war as to annoy the terrorists:

The estimated amount of US tax revenue lost due to assets hidden offshore -- is $70 billion dollars a YEAR.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WORLD TRADE11
Moved: 9/14/2001 7:47
CBS-WORLD TRADE11 9/14/2001

Fighting suicide. This is DR...

The United States is planning to go after terrorism root and branch. We've heard assurances from political leaders that any person who planned, authorized, harbored, committed, or aided Tuesday's attacks will be found and punished.

Our politicians have assured us that terrorists can't hide from what's coming.

But is that true?

Writing in the Independent of London, columnist Robert Fisk has been throwing cold water on all the patriotic flag waving and vows of retribution.

He points out that for all our grand talk, the people we identify as terrorists CAN hide. Mohammar Khadafy -- still hiding and still alive. Saddam Hussein - still hiding, still alive. And of course Osama bin Laden. 

Fisk also points out what we all know but don't want to accept: that the hijackers were essentially able to create their own missiles by using equipment that America built, and training that America provided.

Fisk has interviewed Osama bin Laden, and he points out that in the Arab world, the suicide bomber is admired -- not as a killer, but as someone INVINCIBLE.

And that, I think, is what the military people in Washington are trying to tell us when they talk about a new kind of war.

In a traditional war, you defeat the enemy by destroying its armies and its weapons.

But now we face an enemy whose main weapon is PERSONAL SACRIFICE. 

It wasn't the makeshift knives from the shaving kit that let them take over those planes -- it was their willingness to die. And only on flight 93 -- where the passengers apparently summoned up a similar willingness to sacrifice themselves-- did the terrorists lose.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WORLD TRADE10
Moved: 9/14/2001 7:47
CBS-WORLD TRADE10 9/14/2001

Why do they hate us? 

This is DR...

That is the question asked over and over again -- why would anyone hate America so much to attack us like this. And many people have risen to answer that question... 

But here's the one that really caught my eye: A Catholic organization called Catholic City ran a long piece on its web site saying Islamic fundamentalists hate us because we are the world's leading exporters of filth in the form of music, movies, fashion, and the drug culture. They do not see us as a beacon of freedom, but as the culture that supports Planned Parenthood, abortion, contraception, and homosexuality.

The clear implication is that the as heinous as the act was, the terrorists may have a moral point.

DO they have a point?

Is America guilty?

No. By definition, America cannot be guilty of these things.

Because America, the nation, does NOT have an official moral policy? Our constitution is silent on religion except to protect its free exercise.

What America is about is giving the people who live here the FREEDOM to live their lives as they choose. And yes, that means to live in a way that OTHER Americans might consider depraved. As long as that depravity doesn't affect someone else's life, liberty, or property, we allow it.

What some people -- even HERE -- cannot seem to grasp is that America is a nation of INDIVIDUALS. We're not a giant national club where everybody believes the same thing.

We are an area of the world where people come to really exercise free will -- and religious who would criticize that gift of free will should keep in mind whose gift it is.

Now this... 
Index 

CBS WORLD TRADE 9
Moved: 9/14/2001 7:47
CBS-WORLD TRADE 9 9/14/2001

Governments which support terrorists. This is DR...

The free nations of the world are preparing to go after terrorism, and the governments that support it. 

But as we learn more about the hijackers, an uncomfortable fact emerges. They took full advantage of the freedoms of the civilization they want to destroy.

One FBI agent said that there's been a terrorist cell operating out of Boston... and they had to have people on the ground in Boston supporting them."

We know that two of the suspected hijackers lived in Hamburg Germany where they were enrolled in the local Technical university. They were described as Islamic fundamentalists, and hosted groups of up to 20 Arabic men who would stay late into the night. Evidently, religion was not all they discussed, because the group included 25 year old Waleed Shehri, who was trained to fly large commercial aircraft.

We've already heard about the Florida connection - how they were able to attend flight school and actually train on commercial aircraft simulators,

That's because in our society, if you have the money, we sell you the product. We don't check your papers, ask where you live, run your license plate, run your fingerprints, ask where you got the money.

We trust you.

And I have no doubt that as the investigation continues, we will discover that the hijackers and their supporters took full advantage of the freedoms that we all take for granted.

Do we want to sacrifice those? 

If we do, we do their work for them

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS WORLD TRADE 8
Moved: 9/14/2001 7:47
CBS-WORLD TRADE 8 9/14/2001

The new rules of war. This is DR...

With each new story of heroism, with each televised appeal for some word about a missing relative, and with each re-broadcast of the collapse... the lust for revenge grows. There are Americans who want to see an overwhelming barrage from land, sea, and air. They want the bombs to fly NOW.

And at the same time -- there comes a threat from the Taliban: that if there is any attack on Afghanistan, the Taliban will take revenge "by other means." Well, that's what you'd expect them to say, of course. 

But at the same time, those who are planning the retaliation are forced to ask themselves the question -- what if an overwhelming barrage from land, sea, and air is what the terrorists want?

We know why they targeted the World Trade Center -- it was punishment for America's economic success, and the easiest way to kill the maximum number of innocent people.

But why the Pentagon? There were certainly more tempting targets -- the Capitol, the White House, and there are reports that the plane buzzed BOTH of them; but the Pentagon is where it hit.

Suppose they were baiting the American military.

Terrorists like Osama bin Laden need a steady supply of disenchanted people to stay in business -- because no one ever comes back from a mission.

Suppose it turns out that our terrorist enemy in this "new kind of war" WANTS us to fire a bunch of missiles -- in fact, NEEDS us to fire a bunch of missiles.

That is something Pentagon strategists will have to consider -- the danger that an attack will CREATE more sympathizers than it kills.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WORLD TRADE5
Moved: 9/13/2001 8:05
CBS-WORLD TRADE5 9/13/2001

Uncle Sam Wants You. This is DR...

United Airlines Flight 93 was the 757 that left Newark Airport at 8:01 Tuesday bound for San Francisco. It got as far as Cleveland when the radar track shows it made a sudden U-turn, and headed in the direction of Washington.

Like three other planes in the air that morning, it was under the control of hijackers armed with makeshift knives.

But somewhere over Pennsylvania passengers decided it had gone far enough.

In Hewitt, N.J, Lisbeth Glick received a phone call from her husband Jeremy -- an employee of an Internet company -- who said the plane was being hijacked, but that three or four of the larger men on board were about to vote on how to stop them. 

The phone also rang at Deena Burnett's home in the Bay Area. Her husband Thomas -- Chief Operating Officer of Thoratec Corp. -- called four times. Asking what was happening in New York, reporting that their plane, too, had been hijacked, and finally telling his wife "if they're going to run this thing into the ground, we're going to have to do something."

Apparently, they did. Theirs was the one plane that didn't hit its target.

This is more than a tale of heroism. It's a challenge to us all. Military recruiters report a surge of volunteers wanting to sign up.

But a war against terrorists isn't just fought by the military.

In a war against terrorists -- ANY of us could discover that we have just been drafted.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS WORLD TRADE 6
Moved: 9/13/2001 8:05
CBS-WORLD TRADE 6 9/13/2001

Gathering the allies. This is DR...

The old saying is that Truth is the first casualty in war. It refers to the fact that in a time of general crisis, people believe what they want to believe. 

Especially about the enemy.

There are reports of people being assaulted because they wear turbans, or because they look Arab, or because they speak Arabic.

I have an e-mail from a young man suggesting that he'd feel safer deporting anyone who is not a US citizen.

It's that old temptation toward guilt by association ... but of all the times to avoid that temptation, it is especially important now.

Why? Because that what was done to us.

Osama Bin Laden's appeal is that he preaches about a lost golden age of Islam, which has been destroyed by Western culture. The source of his power is that he has been able to blame the West for the suffering of his people.

That's why he congratulated the hijackers.

Is he right? ARE we trying to destroy Islam? Or have we built a society where people of ANY faith can find a home?

Is the damage going to stop in New York and Washington, or is it going to spread deeper into the fabric of the nation?

That part is up to us, isn't it?

This is a psychological war as much as a military war, and we have to win allies, not create enemies.

If Bin Laden's movement is a movement that draws on young Arabs, if it is designed to appeal to Muslims, then THOSE are the very people we need on OUR side.

Of COURSE we have to punish the enemy. But part of punishing your enemy is making sure that you do not ALIENATE your most important friends.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WORLD TRADE3
Moved: 9/12/2001 8:01
CBS-WORLD TRADE3 9/12/2001

Remember who the enemy is. This is DR...

I'm already hearing the good guys being blamed -- there was bad airport security. Bad military intelligence. Bad diplomacy. [I even saw internet messages blaming restrictive gun laws that deprived the passangers of the guns they could have used to defend themselves.] 

This is nonsense.

We will improve all these things, but this catastrophe is not our fault.

We guard against hijackers who use guns or bombs. They didn't use guns or bombs.

Our security measures are based on the idea that no hijacker would deliberately kill himself -- but these hijackers did.

Our aircraft are designed to withstand lightning strikes, depressurization, even loss of both engines. But where we see ann airplane, they see a bomb.

Our buildings are designed to withstand earthquakes and hurricanes. But where we see a building, they see a target.

Our society took all the safety precautions that RATIONAL people would take -- only to find ourselves confronted with an organized group of irrational people.

We can't blame ourselves for doing what we believed to be reasonable.

The only kind of scanner that can stop an act like this is a scanner that detects the thoughts in the human mind.

But this is like blaming the police for letting crime happen.

No.

It's CRIMINALS who make crime happen, and its terrorists who make terror happen. 

The people to blame for this are the people who DID it; NOT the people who failed to prevent it.

But now that it's happened, we have to choose. If we want to prevent the NEXT attack, we will have to think like terrorists without BECOMING terrorists. We will have to decide how ruthless to be.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WORLD TRADE2
Moved: 9/12/2001 8:00
CBS-WORLD TRADE2 9/12/2001

Identifying the enemy. This is DR...

Do you feel numb? I do. 

Most of us are far from ground zero -- but there's a feeling in the pit of the stomach we can't get rid of.

And it gets worse with every new detail.

The hijackers smuggled the weapons in SHAVING kits? THAT's how they got through security? They used ordinary razor blades to kill flight attendants?

We've all been in planes -- can you imagine seeing that happen?

Those of us who have been in earthquakes -- we know what it's like when a large building trembles. But to see the largest building complex in New York City collapsing on itself?

I know the politicians have to utter brave words. But no rational person can look at this and not feel vulnerable.

And that's when the anger starts.

There is a part of America that has tried to understand the frustrations that lead to terrorism -- we've tried to understand how people who have nothing to lose might be driven to or bomb an embassy, or hijack a plane.

But September 11 will go down as the day we stopped trying to understand.

I've heard people wondering -- if this is war, who is the war against? Its the war of civilization against anarchy.

Our message to the world must be this: if you think America is too rich and successful -- then you are welcome to compete with us. You make a better product, and we'll GIVE you our money, voluntarily.

But if you feel the West has no right to exist, if you sponsor; if you SHELTER someone who attacks our cities; if you think that annihilating civilians is your ticket to heaven ... your ticket will be punched sooner than you expect.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WORLD TRADE
Moved: 9/12/2001 5:05
CBS-WORLD TRADE 9/11/2001

The rogue attack has happened. This is Dave Ross. 

On September 11, 2001. A date that will now eclipse December 7th.

"An apparent terrorist attack" the President called it. 

This dwarfs any man-made catastrophe in history.

We get the message.

The attack on Pearl Harbor taught us that World Wars WERE our business.

The September 11 the attacks on New York and Washington will teach us that terrorism is also our business.

You can prepare for earthquake, for flood, for fire, for hurricane. You cannot prepare for the desperate acts of sick minds.

From this day, forward, however, we will try.

We'll learn to deal with the type of security that places like Israel have to deal with every day.

You thought flying was a hassle before? Just wait.

And then what?

An act of war -- but with no clear enemy -- the rougue attack we've been talking about -- and it was launched not from overseas, but from our own soil.

We get the message. There is no protection.

With one terrorist act we can throw your city into chaos, shut down your stock market, paralyze your spirit.

We get the message. The reply will come.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TAX CUTS
Moved: 9/10/2001 7:41
CBS-TAX CUTS 9/10/2001

The NEXT tax cut. This is DR...

So far, the checks from the treasury have not done the trick. People are using them for bookmarks, framing them -- but they're apparently not spending them.

And as the stock market continues to slide, BOTH political parties want more tax cuts.

Republicans are looking at a cut in the capital gains tax -- that's pretty funny -- hearing "capital" and "gains" in the same breath.

And the Democrats -- who slap George Bush's fingers each time he reaches toward that surplus -- are talking about cutting the payroll tax. Which is just a different way of reducing the surplus.

But will it do any good?

Everybody's too scared to shop. They're worried they'll never see another dollar. 

So even if Congress DOES send out more checks -- if those checks go to the same scared people, they'll end up under the mattress along with the last one.

Which leaves only one group. The next tax rebate shouldn't go to the rich, it shouldn't go to the middle class, it should go to the one group that we KNOW will spend it. 

It should go to TEENAGERS.

The one group guaranteed to either eat something, wear something, or pierce something whenever they get money.

More than eighty percent buy clothing EACH MONTH.

EACH MONTH More than 90% spend money on movies, video rentals, concerts, and bowling.

And each WEEK, close to 90% of teens eat more than three meals at fast food restaurants.

[Belden Associates Oct 2000]

The last tax rebate was 38 billion dollars. 38 billion in the hands of adults -- eh. 38 billion in the hands of KIDS -- recession OVER. 
Index 

CBS ANTI AGING
Moved: 9/10/2001 7:41
CBS-ANTI-AGING 9/10/2001

Forever young. This is DR...

That's what you want to know when you buy one of these anti-aging tonics or pills. Will it keep me young. Will it at least keep me OUT of the health care system.

Six out of ten Americans take some form of dietary supplement with no major side effects.

But Congress is concerned about some of the manufacturer's claims made for these concoctions, and so the Senate will investigate.

You see, anti-aging pills and dietary supplements are not only a $27 BILLION dollars industry; they are a 27 billion dollar MOSTLY UNREGULATED industry. As long as the supplement is made from natural ingredients, they don't have to be tested for safety or efficacy.

So that you might take one of these supplements actually thinking it will work!

The committee is focusing on Glenn Braswell, who was sent to prison for three years in 1983 for making false claims about an herbal baldness remedy, and pardoned by Bill Clinton.

Braswell sold treatments for everything from constipation to anxiety -- and there's no indication they've ever harmed anyone -- but health experts worry that people might be mixing these remedies with other drugs which might make them NOT so harmless.

So if they decide to regulate your St John's Wort, the argument will be that it's to SAVE LIVES.

But if you take this stuff -- are you going to be stopped by some regulation? If you're desperate enough, you'll buy it any way you can!

The only way to regulate this stuff would be to regulate the human desire to stay young and happy.

And as long as that Britney Spears video keeps saturating the airwaves, forget it.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SLOW WELLNESS
Moved: 9/7/2001 8:01
CBS-SLOW-WELLNESS 9/6/2001

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

DATELINE WASHINGTON (AP) -- An internal audit finds that the government wasted $1.1 million on a program that told public housing tenants which gemstones, types of incense and clothing colors would best improve their self-esteem.

The Creative Wellness Program was suposed to make public housing residents feel better about themselves and thus be less likely to be involved with drugs, violence or crime.

Using New Age techniques, wellness trainers poked participants in the glands to determine a their personality type, then, recommended diets, exercises, colors, gemstones and incenses that would reduce stress and boost self-esteem.

The program was suspended after HUD decided gemstones and mood rings didn't have much to do with homelessness.

But let's not rush to judgement here. Let's take that REAL slow:

"Wellness trainers poked participants in the glands ... then recommended diets, exercises, colors, gemstones and incenses."

Well -- that's what RICH people do to boost self esteem. And it works for them. I think it's called a SPA, isn't it?

But -- wait a minute -- whoever was providing the New Age counseling for the homeless -- could reapply as a FAITH BASED program! That's it! Problem solved!

The news always makes more sense when you read it REAL SLOW. 
Index 

CBS MICROSOFT
Moved: 9/7/2001 8:01
CBS-MICROSOFT 9/6/2001

Microsoft is spared the knife. This is DR...

The Justice Department has announced that whatever penalty it seeks against Microsoft for antitrust violations, it WON'T include breaking up the company.

And for those of us who have achieved intimacy with our computers, it means we can finally sleep at night.

We knew that when the Justice department first sued Microsoft that it was only trying to do what was right. Government lawyers saw this behemoth corporation run by a ruthless billionaire trying to impose its will on helpless computer users.

Forcing US to accept the convenience of being able to install a piece of software that basically could make every computer compatible, and get you on the Internet, without making you shop around.

And when the word came that the government might want to break it up, a lot of us out here said ... thank you, THANK you justice department for putting us in your prayers. But are you NUTS? I finally figured out the right mouse button, and now you're going to rip everything apart? You're going to have some JUDGE design my operating system? (PANT)

But now all that has changed. I don't know what it was... Perhaps it was the prospect of so many of us keyboard pounders ending up in the emergency room.

Perhaps there was an election.

We don't want to know.

We're just happy that for those of us who choose it, there will always be that comforting Windows logo that says -- "if you install this, it will work."

We ARE kind of wondering what the POINT of that whole court case was -- but ... as long as the screen doesn't go blue, why ask questions?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS LOCKBOX
Moved: 9/7/2001 8:01
CBS-LOCKBOX 9/7/2001

Saving the lockbox. This is DR...

The budget fight is on in Congress: IS the surplus dead, and if it is, who killed it? Will the government end up 9 spending billion dollars earmarked for social security?

Well, according to an unnamed Democratic source, it doesn't have to come to that.

Oh, what the heck. It was Sen. Barbara Boxer, Democrat of California, who said she wanted to float an idea:

Suppose we simply delay the tax cut for the richest taxpayers -- those earning over a million a year -- and keep the 39% bracket where it is? THAT alone would make up the difference:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>BOXER1
Time: 4s
Title: Sen Barbara Boxer
In-cue: Revisit the tax cut
Out-cue: 20 billion]

In addition, she says, keep the estate tax in place, but raise the exemption to 8 million dollars per estate. 

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>BOXER2
Time: 6s
Title: Sen Barbara Boxer
In-cue: If you've made estate
Out-cue: bit of that]

So -- no one suffers, and the lockbox stays intact.

But will such an idea get any support? One middle class voter called me to stick up for the millionaires who are in a bracket that taxes them at close to 40%:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>BOXER3
Time: 7s
Title: Caller 1
In-cue: I would not be 
Out-cue: too much to tax]

But I also heard from a millionaire who is actually IN that bracket, and had NO problem with it:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>boxer4
Time: 9s
Title: Caller 2
In-cue: We agree with Barbara
Out-cue: are struggling]

Which come to think of it is what the president plan to do with his OWN rebate.

So there's the trial balloon -- Senator Boxer awaits your e-mails.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SHARK FEEDING
Moved: 9/7/2001 8:01
CBS-SHARK FEEDING 9/6/2001

They were FEEDING them? This is DR...

DO you ever get the feeling that somehow we're not being told the whole story? 

Maybe you saw this article -- dateline AMELIA ISLAND, Florida. 

"A state commission moved to ban shark-feeding scuba dives in Florida following two deadly shark attacks along the East Coast over the Labor Day weekend."

And as you read on, you learn that in Florida, there is something called an "Interactive dive" in which scuba-diving tourists watch as tour operators attract sharks and feed them fish.

Tour operators defended the dives, pointing out that the dives are safe and that no tourists have ever been bitten. But several commissioners pointed out that it might be a bad idea for sharks to start associating humans with food.

So people have actually been FEEDING the sharks!

People intentionally swimming in shark infested waters bearing BAIT fish -- just for the thrill it gives tourists!

Here I was seeing these shark attack stories and thinking -- well isn't that unusual, that sharks would be coming so close to shore and mistaking someone's arm for a fish. And isn't it strange that all of a sudden we have 40 shark attacks along the coast.

Well now it turns out it may NOT be so strange.

Sharks may not be geniuses, but they know a good meal when they think they see one.

I'll tell you what's strange.

What's strange is -- that while it WASN'T illegal to attract sharks with bait, it WAS illegal to attract DOLPHINS! A fish which is harmless -- and frankly, a fish which should be smart enough not to fall for the "bait" trick anyway.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS MARINERS
Moved: 9/7/2001 8:01
CBS-MARINERS 9/07/2001

The curse of success. This is DR...

The Seattle Mariners are the first team to hit triple digits -- they'll soon have a playoff spot locked up, and you'd think the fans in Seattle would be overjoyed. And most of them are -- HOWEVER, you can also hear a chorus of complaints beginning.

It's about tickets.

Playoff tickets aren't even officially for sale yet, and the Seattle media are already fielding complaints over how impossible it will be to get tickets.

How the regular people will have no chance to get in.

According to the newspaper, playoff tickets are already sporting outrageous price tags on eBay -- two ticket strips for the playoffs, $6,900. 

Or skip the auction nonsense, and buy it right now for 10,000.

People are placing desperate ticket wanted ads -- SO desperate that one ad offers not only money but an Ichiro Bobblehead.

So the complaints have begun -- all the tickets are going to rich people who know nothing about the game. Who don't appreciate the art, the finesse, the history. All they want is the sushi.

Tickets should be sold according to MERIT.

Of course you know the REAL problem. It's all this WINNING. 

Oh, for the days when you could just up and buy a ten dollar ticket for tonight's game. When 70 wins were big news, when you had the kind of team that would try to turn a double play and hit the bat girl.

They long for the days when the old Kingdome was packed with 6,000 people, and a 70-game season was big news, there were long lines for inedible hot dogs and even LONGER lines for the mens room.

And they'll find the WORLD SERIES really annoying.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DOONESBURY
Moved: 9/7/2001 8:01
CBS-DOONESBURY 9/7/2001

Fact-checking the comics. This is DR...

Doonesbury cartoonist Garry Trudeau has apologized for his September 2nd strip that made sport of the President's I-Q.

There's been an e-mail going around which says that an organization called the Lovenstein Institute of Scranton determined that George Bush had an IQ of 91, exactly HALF of Bill Clinton's I-Q.

Trudeau used this nugget in a cartoon where the President -- who he depicts as an asterisk wearing a cowboy hat -- is in his office trying to think up synonyms when his aide Karl Rove breaks the news that his IQ is only 91. The President is shocked -- can't believe he's dumber than Bill Clinton -- of all people. But Rove reassures him it's not his fault -- and quotes another part of the Lovenstein study which said that Bush had a working vocabulary of only 6500 words, compared to the 11,000 words of the average president.

The President, shocked, exclaims, "How is that possibilistic?" to which Rove says, "Well that's because they refused to count your SPECIAL words."

Which is pretty funny.

But as it turns out, NOT factual. There is no Lovenstein Institute, there is no presidential IQ study, it's just an Internet hoax.

And so Garry Trudeau has now apologized -- saying he takes full responsibility, and is very sorry for unsettling anyone who was under the impression that the President is, in fact, quite intelligent.

This is the problem when you do a fact-based comic strip. Boy, wait until the fact checkers tell him the President looks almost NOTHING like a punctuation mark in a hat.

Now this.

his is DR. 
Index 

CBS CENTER SCHOOL
Moved: 9/5/2001 9:06
CENTER SCHOOL 9/5/2001

If you build it.... This is DR...

Seattle has a new public high school. 

It doesn't look like much -- just a few rooms at an old Catholic School. That's because district is a year behind on its permanent quarters; it was even having trouble getting enough desks.

But the students and parents don't seem to mind. Because this high school was set up to focus on the arts and humanities, and to take full advantage of the Seattle Center campus -- the arts complex where the Space Needle is located. The students will be within walking distance of the Pacific Science Center, a Public Television Station, and four theatres: the Seattle Repertory Theatre, the Seattle Children's Theatre, the Intiman Theatre, and the Opera House. There is also a pottery studio nearby, art galleries, the food circus, and of course the Space Needle in case they want an upscale lunch.

Instead of starting at 7:15, school starts at 9 and be out at 4.

Classes are in blocks of 100 minutes, class size is 25. 

Instead of being divided by grade, they'll be divided by ability.

Graduation requirements will be strict -- four years of math, four years of science, four years of humanities, three years of Spanish.

And each member of the staff, principal included, is assigned to 15 students as their advisor. All at the same cost of a regular public school.

Will it work? Will the students do well on the standard tests? Will the enthusiasm last? You never know. But at a tame when public schools struggle to attract teachers and students -- THIS public school attracted applications from 180 teachers to fill 10 slots -- and about a QUARTER of the student body come from PRIVATE schools. 

Now this... 
Index 

CBS RED LIGHTS
Moved: 9/5/2001 9:06
CBS-RED LIGHTS 9/5/2001

Scofflaws get the green light. This is DR....

In SAN DIEGO -- a judge dismissed 292 traffic violations Tuesday. Violations by drivers who had been caught running one of the 19 red lights in San Diego equipped with red light cameras.

The judge ruled the pictures could not be admitted as evidence, and without the pictures, the prosecution had no case.

Now you would think that a picture of a car, IN the intersection, headed toward a light that is clearly glowing RED, would be pretty decent evidence. Indeed, the very definition of red light running.

However, the attorney for the upset motorists found out that the cameras were being run not by the police, but by the company that installed them. Lockheed Martin.

Lockheed installed the cameras, processed the film, and screened the photographs. But what really steamed the red-light runners was that the company ALSO got $70 or their $271 fine.

That sounded like a pretty clear conflict of interest to them -- and the judge agreed. 

Case dismissed. And there is so much outrage that the red light cameras may be dismissed as well, even though red light running at those 19 intersections is down 45%.

I would only note that nowhere in this story is there any indication that the judge asked the KEY question of these defendants:

Did YOU RUN the red light, or didn't you?? Once the charge was dismissed, the judge could have asked them -- without violating their fifth amendment right against self-incrimination.

But he didn't .

I guess that will be for those of us who wait for the green light to find out.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GERMS
Moved: 9/4/2001 7:34
CBS-GERMS 9/04/2011

It's all make-believe. This is DR...

Now we know why the US doesn't want to sign a tougher germ warfare treaty.

The New York Times reports today that the CIA has been conducting germ warfare experiments!

Now before you get all upset, THESE are the GOOD kind of germ warfare experiments. The kind designed to protect us AGAINST germ warfare.

In 1997, the CIA launched Project Clear Vision -- to assemble and test a type of miniature germ BOMBLET that international arms dealers were allegedly trying to peddle. The idea was to develop defensve measures, and the replicas were completely harmless.

The Pentagon ALSO conducted a little experiment -- to see if they could set up a germ factory using commonly available off-the-shelf equipment. It worked. They set it up in the Nevada desert and built a bomb -- using not REAL germs, of course, but SIMULATED germs -- to prove how easy it would be for a rogue nation to do the same thing.

So! You and I are being protected in ways we cannot begin to imagine.

And those are just the experiments we KNOW about.

There's only one problem with this.

Suppose OUR satellites noticed that ANOTHER nation -- like China, or Russia -- was assembling something that LOOKED very much like a working germ bomb, or was putting together something that looked very much like a germ bomb factory and firing test explosions. How would WE react?

Well, I'm sure that, as long as there was a long article in a respected newspaper explaining how, it was just for testing purposes, and they would never EVER build such a thing for REAL, we would understand completely.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS FEEL YOUR PAIN
Moved: 9/4/2001 7:33
CBS-FEEL YOUR PAIN 9/4/2001

Have we heard this before? This is DR...

President Bush remembers what happened to the last Bush who occupied the White House during an economic downturn. He came across as an aristocrat who didn't know what ordinary people were going through. He was criticized by a young upstart from Arkansas for being out of touch.

THIS President Bush does not intend to make that mistake.

With consumer confidence down, the jittery stock market, the layoff notices, the White House no longer talks of education as the president's top priority. The ECONOMY is now the president's top priority.

That rings a bell, doesn't it?

In his address to an audience of construction workers on Labor Day, the President said he was confident in the basic underpinnings of the American economy, but he also said: he knows people are "hurting" -- that's the word he used -- "hurting." 

He said economic growth has been "anemic." And he said he worries about the families affected. About the children whose dad or mom may not be able to find work. And HE intends to do something.

And White House aides say we can expect MORE speeches like this. Speeches that say, yes, I may be the President, but I come from a small town where we know what its like to work for a living. And yes, I may live in the White House, but I know what it's like to have to make a mortgage payment. And yes I may be the most powerful man in the world, but I know how it feels to be laid off.

In fact, I think you could summarize the President's message in four simple words.

"I feel your pain."

That ... rings a bell, too.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS RACE CONFERENCE
Moved: 9/3/2001 7:38
CBS-RACE CONFERENCE 9/03/2001

The racism conference degenerates into -- racism. This is DR...

In Durban South Africa, The United Nations conference on racism has gone on for four days now. The purpose is to find a solution to the worldwide problem of racial discrimination. And some of the delegates have taken a novel approach to achieve this: that being ... to TICK EVERYBODY OFF.

The first draft of the anti-racism document brands Israel as racist, by popular demand of the Arab states; AND several African states want to demand slave reparations.

That's the problem with race conferences -- isn't it? They're run by people who either lead racial groups, or lead countries that define themselves by race.

SO of COURSE there's no agreement!

They know that the only way to end racism would be to decide that race isn't important. To acknowledge how little DNA is devoted to it. To give it up as the primary way of defining yourself.

But if a leader does that -- he could disappear. Poof! Just an ordinary person with no retinue and no budget.

So, you have Israel defining itself as a homeland for Jews, you have the surrounding Arab and Muslim states defining themselves as hating the idea of a homeland for Jews, you have African states calling for reparations -- these are clearly the wrong people to be running a racism conference! 

What you need would be Jews, Arabs, Muslims, Africans, Asians, Caucasians who have NOTHING to do with racial movements.

You want people who manage to get through the day without thinking about race.

THEN you might actually be able to DO something about racism. 

Giving us more time to fight over RELIGION.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS LABOR
Moved: 9/3/2001 7:38
CBS-LABOR 9/3/2001

Work work work. This is DR..

Each year the United Nations gathers up the statistics on working hours, and each year, it finds that Americans work more than any other nation in the world -- even the Japanese. And we seem determined to stay ahead. During the last decade, the average American added a week to the work year.

We now work an average of 49 1/2 weeks -- three and a half weeks more than the Japanese, six and a half weeks more than the British, and 12 and a half weeks more than the Germans.

And of course there's France, which has officially reduced the work week to 35 hours.
Ah, but Dave, you say, at least we're richer than they are. Those French people have to live in those miserable little apartments, without elevators, surrounded by all those old churches and boring museums, while we get shiny new cities and big suburban yards. 

Well, it's true that we are the RICHEST workers in the world. But that's because of all the overtime we out in.

The UN has another statistic, called "Productivity per HOUR" which is designed to measure how much we accomplish per hour worked.

And by that measure -- France beats us, even WITH that 35 hour week. And so does BELGIUM. The US is THIRD.

You know what that means? It means the UN keeps too damn many statistics that's what it means! They keep shoveling out statistics until they find the one that makes Americans feel miserable.

"Make Americans Miserable" is their motto.

Well, it won't work. We're not listening. 

We're all asleep at our desks. In fact, we're spending the night here so we can beat you all NEXT year too.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SLOW DUCKS
Moved: 8/31/2001 7:54
CBS SLOW DUCKS 8/29/2001

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

Dateline Seattle: Washington has become the second state in the country to ban the use of electronic and battery-powered duck decoys. The battery operated decoys flap their wings; some even paddle around in the water, and all are irresistible to real ducks.

Pennsylvania was the first to ban them. And last week, California banned them for half the season.

Said Worth Mathewson, author of "Western Bird Hunting, and a duck hunter for 50 years," (QUOTE) "It's beyond me how any person could hunt these birds with a mechanical device... It goes against everything that I think a sportsman should be... (QUOTE)

Let's take that REAL SLOW:

"It's beyond me how any person could hunt these birds with a mechanical device."

OK -- now there's no denying that a wing-flapping Robo Duck is a mechanical device. But... what's a GUN???

We're basically talking about SHOOTING the ducks, right -- as in filling their little airborne bodies with lead buck shot.

So it's considered un-sportsmanlike to attract them with robo ducks and shoot them, but it IS sportsmanlike to attract them with wooden decoys and shoot them.

Hey -- you know what would be even MORE sportsmanlike? If the ducks had grenades they could drop. Then we'll see how many you want to attract!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SIGMA 16
Moved: 8/31/2001 7:54
CBS-SIGMA 16 8/31/2001

Sigma 16. This is DR...

You remember the case of Wen Ho Lee. He's American scientist who admitted copying thousands of pages of nuclear weapons data from the computers at Los Alamos. It was suspected that Chinese spies somehow saw those documents and used them to improve their own nuclear weapons.

But the FBI couldn't prove espionage, because much of the information he copied had never been formally classified -- it was merely labeled with the initials PARD, which means "protect as restricted data."

SO now, the Energy Department and the Defense Department will change the way they label nuclear secrets.

From now on, any document containing nuclear weapons design specifications will be labeled SIGMA 16.

Sigma 16, according to the Washington Post, will be a new sub-group of what's called SCI, or sensitive compartmented information.

But information classified as Sigma 16 will be treated with a degree of care BEYOND other types of SCI.

That means full background investigations for anyone with access to it. An access list. Precise records of any reproduction, transfer or destruction. And MOST important, exactly ONE person in charge of releasing it.

So NOW there will be absolutely no WAY the Chinese can get our missile secrets.

Because now those secrets are Sigma 16. With only ONE person in charge. The ONLY way the Chinese could get access would be if they managed to plant one of their spies so deep in the organization that HE becomes that ONE guy in charge of Sigma 16. 

I mean, can you imagine what that would take -- that would be like... like the Russians planting a spy in the FBI!

Now this. This is DR... 
Index 

CBS LITTLE LEAGUE
Moved: 8/31/2001 7:54
CBS-LITTLE LEAGUE 8/31/2001

Things are seldom what they seem. This is DR...

As far as we knew when we first heard of him, Danny Almonte, the Little League pitcher for the Bronx Baby Bombers who allowed only ONE RUN all year, was just another 12 year old with a 75 mile an hour fastball.

But opposing coaches thought he needed a shave. Sounded like he sang bass in the choir.

And now, an official of the Dominican Republic, where Danny was born, says that indeed he is NOT just another 12 year old with a 75 mile an hour fastball, he is a 14 year old with a 75 mile an hour fastball -- two years too old for the little league.

Danny's father filed two different forms -- one showing he was born in 1987, and then ANOTHER one -- filed just before he came to New York and joined the team -- showing he was born in 1989. Plus, Danny has a brother Juan who played for the same team last year and who turns out to be 16. Which REALLY pins the Fraud-o-meter.

But that's not all -- the New York Daily News discovered that since arriving in New York last year, he has not attended a single day of school. Indeed the News has learned he may not have attended school in the Dominican Republic either.

Get the picture? 

Danny is not just a talented teen -- he is daddy's retirement plan.

And Daddy knows that whether his son is 12, or 14, educated or not -- what's important is that he can thread the strike zone with high heat.

The only revelation that could hurt Danny Almonte, would be if his fastball wasn't really 75 miles an hour. And since no one has challenged THAT figure, he will find a home in America.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS BLANKS DOW
Moved: 8/31/2001 7:54
CBSBLANKS DOW 8/31/2001

And now -- it's time to Fill in the Blanks. This is DR...

Here it is, Fill In The Blanks, where I read a story that you've heard way too many times, and you get the chance to play along at home by simply filling in the ... BLANKS.

Today's subject, the stock market, again.

Here we go:

This week, for the first time since April, the Dow fell below.. TEN THOUSAND.

Experts quickly pointed out that the number ten thousand is statistically MEANINGLESS. 

It is completely INSIGNIFICANT.

Its only significance is PSYCHOLOGICAL. In fact, the ten thousand level is so insignificant that ... WE'RE AMAZED YOU'RE EVEN MENTIONING IT.

Because the ten thousand level is NOT WORTH MENTIONING.

Therefore, investors should simply IGNORE IT.

The should spend the rest of the year PAYING NO ATTENTION TO IT WHATSOEVER.

Another reason it makes sense to ignore the Dow Average is that it will help prepare you to also ignore THE NASDAQ.

Which is down around EIGHTEEN HUNDRED. 

In fact, if the Nasdaq gets much lower it won't look so much like a stock average as like ... A BAD SAT SCORE.

But there's no reason to worry, because we're all getting A TAX CUT. Once we start spending the tax cut, everything will be FINE, and the economy will BOUNCE RIGHT BACK.

Consumer confidence will SOAR, dotcoms will start HIRING, and we'll all lose TWENTY POUNDS, sex will be FUN AGAIN, and even Gary Condit ... WILL HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

Very good.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SUICIDE2
Moved: 8/30/2001 8:20
CBS-SUICIDE2 8/30/2001

The tribe has voted. This is DR...

Seattle's Harborview hospital has been inundated with cards and flowers for the woman who survived a 180-foot suicide jump from a freeway bridge Tuesday.

It was a reaction to the bashing the city took when some drivers, and even bus passengers who were stuck in the resulting traffic jam yelled at the woman to jump while police were trying to talk her down from the railing.

But the municipal contrition is far from unanimous. Among the e-mails I've received are comments like these:

Dear Dave: She carefully picked the time and place to get the most attention ... And in the goodness of your heart, you fell for it. 

Dear Dave It's called survival of the fittest and she's just thinning the herd. Too bad she didn't complete the job ... without affecting thousands of people.

Dear Dave: Shouldn't this lady apologize to the commuters? 99% did not yell to her!

Etc.

There are people who, while they wouldn't yell at a woman to jump -- see sympathy as weakness.

Their greatest fear is the fear of being seen as a SUCKER. The fear of NOT being street wise. The fear of being called NAIVE. They expect no sympathy, therefore, they will offer none.

Dear Dave:
In a culture where all of the major institutions (school, business, sports and religion) promote competitiveness as a way of life, what else would you expect of people?

Good question. 

I guess that's why shows like Survivor, and the Weakest Link are so popular! The drivers who yelled at that woman were simply doing what they'd been taught. Voting her off the planet. 

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS TAX PAYMENTS
Moved: 8/30/2001 8:20
CBS-TAX PAYMENTS 8/30/2001

They're lost??? This is DR...

810 million dollars worth of tax payments LOST?? Yes! The problem came to light when thousands of taxpayers noticed that their tax checks hadn't cleared, and, knowing what can happen when the IRS doesn't get its money, they called the agency. The IRS, no doubt embarrassed that IT hasn't noticed the missing money, launched an investigation. And that investigation found that at least 40,000 federal tax returns, worth 810 million dollars, were either LOST or DESTROYED.

Now -- with the surplus gone, this is 810 million dollars America can't afford to lose.

But wait a minute -- there's more. It wasn't the IRS that lost the tax returns. It was a processing facility run by MELLON BANK!

I looked at that and said -- MELLON BANK? The IRS arranges to have all my intimate financial information sent to a BANK?? And not only that, but sent to a BANK that has now LOST THEM?? And not just "lost" them -- the story today says some of the returns were (QUOTE) "hidden." HIDDEN? 

Of course the IRS has now canceled its contract with the bank, but I always thought my tax return went to a special federal processing facility where guarding my privacy was Job One ... or at least Job Two. Getting the check is probably Job One.

But now they've muffed both Job One AND Job Two!

I know the government wants to save money by contracting out to private enterprise -- but handing over tax returns to the lowest bidder is starting to sound like a bad idea.

How do you vote a BANK out of office?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS WASTE DUMP
Moved: 8/29/2001 10:59
CBS-WASTE DUMP 8/29/2001

Some stories are just a mystery. This is DR...

Some news stories ARE just a mystery: Dateline, Fresno: For a fleeting moment, the city's former dump  79 million cubic yards of rotting garbage  was a national historic landmark.

Yes! The Interior Department honored the Fresno Dump as the nation's first true sanitary landfill! The first landfill where the garbage was compacted and covered each day to prevent disease. How about that! An historic landmark! Right up there with Independence Hall! 

Unfortunately, the reality is not quite so tidy. Since closing 14 years ago, it's been belching methane, and leaking old paint and solvents into the groundwater. And so, rather than face the embarrassment of mounting the historic landmark plaque right next to the Superfund cleanup site warning, Interior Secretary Gail Norton quickly stripped the landfill of its honor.

With the hits the administration has taken over arsenic in the water and global warming, it doesn't need an historic garbage dump on the list of accomplishments. 

OK then. But then -- how to explain THIS story. Dateline WASHINGTON  The Bush administration wants to delay compensation for miners who dug the uranium that was used to make nuclear weapons during the cold war -- saying more study is needed to determine if they qualify.

OK these are people in their 60's with lung cancer ... and they're being told to wait, while someone determines whether being covered in uranium dust is bad for you.

Well -- if a dump is an historic landmark, I guess that would make a uranium mine a National Park.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SUICIDE
Moved: 8/29/2001 10:58
CBS-SUICIDE /29/2001

They told her to jump and get it over with. This is DR...

Here in Seattle we are in the midst of another mutual analysis today. We are trying to pinpoint the civic dysfunction that would lead some people to urge a suicidal woman to jump.

She parked her car in the emergency lane and climbed over the railing of the Interstate 5 bridge just north of downtown -- 180 feet above the Lake Washington ship canal.

But as police tried to talk her down, drivers began yelling at the woman. "Jump Bitch Jump" said one. A radio shock jock played the sound of splashing water.

So the police finally shut down the southbound lanes causing a huge traffic tie up and enraging people further. The woman finally did jump... but police divers reacher her within seconds, and she is now recovering. 

I wonder how the people who yelled felt when they tuned in and found out that she lived. I guess they're disappointed.

What's disappointing to me is the rap the city is taking -- people from New York and around the country have called up cluck at the latest hit to Seattle's mellow reputation.

How could it be that a city that is always hear the top of the best places to live have such people living there. Well, I don't think Seattle is alone. For some people -- and not just here -- weakness doesn't deserve SYMPATHY, it deserves ridicule. 

THESE are people who of course, never stumble, are always strong, will always BE strong, and go through life without a net; THEY can suck it up, so why can't everybody.

I would submit that if cities were defined by the behavior of people while stuck in traffic, there wouldn't even BE a best cities list.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CONDIT
Moved: 8/28/2001 7:48
CBS-CONDIT 8/28/2001

The noose tightens. This is DR...

There's nothing like a bad TV performance to leave you completely alone. 

Gov. Gray Davis has now joined other Democrats in condemning Congressman Gary Condit -- over his response to the disappearance of alleged girlfriend Chandra Levy.

I watched Connie Chung interview Condit -- and he told her that his response was to cooperate fully and answer every question the police asked him!

I have a funny feeling this has more to do with a special need among Democrats to disapprove of extra-marital sex at any opportunity.

But it's just the beginning of his problems.

Now Anne Marie Smith, the flight attendant who says she TOO had a relationship with Gary Condit, has accused him of defamation, libel and slander. 

She wants a grand jury to indict the congressman on charges that he tried to force her to deny their relationship.

You may recall Condit asked her to sign an affidavit swearing that they never had a relationship, when in fact there was a relationship. But now Condit has just dug himself in deeper, not denying they had an AFFAIR, but telling Newsweek it can't really be defined as a relationship. Please, Gary, not again. That only works with "is."

In any case, Anne Marie says -- and this is the statement that I find especially scary -- she says she can describe him intimately.

No! Please! I beg the prosecutor to stop it now. Remember -- it was Anne Marie Smith herself who decided to go public with this! Do we need another grand jury hearing intimate descriptions of a politician's private parts? Is that all a politician is to a woman? Is that all they look at? Don't they see that there's a mind there? 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SURPLUS
Moved: 8/28/2001 7:47
CBS-SURPLUS 8/28/2001

Requiem for a surplus. This is DR...

The latest figures from the Congressional Budget office confirm earlier predictions that the budget surplus will be gone by the time the fiscal year ends September 30th.

Unless something changes, that would force the government to break into the Social Security lockbox, and borrow about 9 billion dollars.

Of course, there is no actual lockbox -- and the surplus we've been hearing about for so many months is also mostly fiction.

But it is sad, nonetheless, to note its passing.

And so I call this: To Surplus, With Love:

So long my little surplus, your stay was all too brief
Cut short by falling stock quotes, and the need for tax relief.

I remember how it was on the day you first appeared --
How accountants raised a toast, how the politicians cheered.

The world was suddenly different, and hope was in the air
When all that rich black ink replaced the red ink of despair.

But no one understood you -- for the fatter that you got
Everyone around you was trying to grab the pot.

You put up a brave resistance, but once they saw your size
The temptation was much stronger than they ever realized.

With enemies all around you, you would finally pay the price
You stood there undefended as they spent you once then twice.

They said you were symbolic -- just a fiction, just a dream -- 
And like vultures to a carcass, they quickly picked you clean.

There are none to speak a gentle word, none to feel your pain
We couldn't even bury you -- for there are no remains.

So goodbye little surplus, though your praises once we sung
You make us kind of nervous, which is why you died so young.

Now this.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CONDIT4
Moved: 8/27/2001 8:17
CBS-CONDIT4 8/24/2001

The media critics are unanimous. He stank. This is DR...

Last night Congressman Gary Condit refused to say anything about his alleged affair with Chandra Levy, except to say that he was not in love with her. 

Beyond that, he behaved like a POW under interrogation: it was just "name, rank, and the number of years married." 34 years, in case you missed it.

And the media critics have panned him. Writing the the Washington Post, Tom Shales called him an "eel". Howard Kurtz called it a half hour of bobbing and weaving. He quoted the comments of an MSNBC focus group run by Republican pollster Frank Luntz -- which came up with words like "Snake" and "Schmuck."

I guess I'm the only commentator in America who thought this was a missing persons case. Everybody else thinks its a sex scandal.

Of course, it has to be that way, or there would be nothing to write about. Connie Chung asked right off the top if he killed Chandra Levy, or harmed her in any way, and he said "No I did not." Nothing ambiguous about that.

But that doesn't matter, because he refused to say if and how often they had sex.

And that, of course, is what's driving this: Gary Condit is a democratic politician apparently caught cheating on his wife -- and the last time democratic politician was caught cheating on his wife, he looked right into the camera and lied 'til the lens cracked.

So WE now assume that when a politician professes innocence, it means he's guilty.

But we must also remember -- although I know it's not a popular view -- we must also remember that professing your innocence might just also mean ... you're innocent.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS GUNS
Moved: 8/27/2001 8:17
CBS-GUNS 8/24/2001

Could it be that Republicans really DO believe in banning guns? This is DR...

The Utah Republican Party meets this weekend -- and vice President Dick Cheney will be the keynote speaker.

But some gun groups were threatening to demonstrate against him -- because the Secret Service wouldn't let delegates carry their concealed weapons to the event. The agents wanted gun owners to leave their weapons in their cars -- even though the weapons are legal and properly licensed.

The Utah Gun Owners Alliance was incensed -- and announced plans to boo the vice president. But now they've pulled back. Because there's a compromise: gun owners will leave their weapons in storage lockers just outside the metal detectors before the speech, and then, after the speech, they can retrieve them.

And that satisified the Utah Gun Owners Alliance. They see it as a VICTORY for gun owners. They do? It's a gun ban! It's government agents forcing you to disarm. And the Vice President, apparently has not problem with it.

I thought the Attorney General was pretty clear. He wrote the NRA that he believes the Constitution creates an individual right to keep and bear arms. And I've heard gun groups say repeatedly that you're SAFER in a room full of people with guns than a room full of people who have been disarmed by the government. Because then instead of having maybe ten agents protecting him -- teh vice President would have maybe 200 armed delegates protecting him.

But instead the Secret Service will disarm law-abiding gun owners! When a politician preaches gun rights, but then surrounds HIMSELF with a gun-free zone -- isn't there a word for that?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS IRAQ
Moved: 8/27/2001 8:15
CBS-IRAQ 8/27/2001

How upset should we be? This is DR....

We heard today the news that a U.S. Air Force unmanned reconnaissance aircraft failed to return from a mission over southern Iraq and apparently was shot down by Iraqi air defense forces.

The Predator, as it's called, had been flying over the city of Basra when the signal was suddenly lost.

This is not the first time the US has lost a Predator reconnaissance plane; they were shot down in the Balkans. But this would be the first one shot down over Iraq.

And I have a feeling that the reason we're hearing so mach about this incident is that someone is trying to decide whether to retaliate. 

Now in the past, when Iraqi air defenses have fired at MANNED aircraft, we've responded by attacking their defense radars and communications sites -- and properly so. That's a hostile act: You shoot at our people, we shoot at your people.

But when you shoot down a DRONE --well, it's hard to get passionate about a drone. What do you do to avenge a drone? Blow up a bunch of empty tanks? Parked cars?

If you unleash an attack that kills PEOPLE, it looks petty -- because the reason you send up a drone in the first place is because you don't want to endanger a pilot.

So when a drone goes down, it means a pilot's life has been saved, and the mission is actually a success, not a failure.

Of course these drones do run about 5 million dollars each -- and I would hate for my tax cut TO end up smoldering on the ground in Basra. So maybe the extent of our retaliation should be to slap them with a bill, and let it go at that.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ARTHUR RHODES
Moved: 8/27/2001 8:14
CBS-ARTHUR RHODES 8/27/2001

Baseball diamonds, glinting in the sun. This is DR...

Seattle is abuzz about pitcher Arthur Rhodes -- was thrown out of Saturday's game against Cleveland over his diamond earrings.

When Rhodes took the mound to face Omar Vizquel on a dazzling afternoon at Seattle's Safeco field, Vizquel complained that the pitcher's earrings were flashing in his eyes, and distracting him.

Rhodes apparently commented that he found Vizquel's shortness JUST as distracting; they got into it, and Rhodes was tossed from the game.

So Sunday -- he's called in to pitch in the ninth inning, he's got the earrings on, it's another sunny day, and the umpire stops him before he even gets to the mound:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Rhodes1
Time: 4s
Title: Arthur Rhodes
In-cue: Take them out or
Out-cue: Big deal about it]

Take out the earrings or you won't pitch. Too distracting. 

Unbelievable. When you watch a game on TV, and they show a close up of the pitcher, what do you see? He's chewing, he's spitting, he's scratching -- nobody ever turns to the umpire and says, "excuse me - but did you see where he just scratched himself? How can I hit?" Or "Did you see that loogie? I need to stop out of the box and re-center myself!" Actually, THAT I could understand.

But diamonds? A batter who thinks diamonds are distracting is in the wrong business. 

Of course, baseball has known that this jewelry problem has been building, and as usual Bud Selig has done nothing to address it. And they way payrolls continue to climb, it's only going to get worse:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Rhodes2
Time: 2s
Title: Arthur Rhodes
Out-cue: ]

Well put Arthur, well put. It must have been like pitching naked.

Now this.

This is DR ... 
Index 

CBS THE GAP
Moved: 8/23/2001 7:42
CBS-THE GAP 8/23/2001

The Gap lives on...Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The GENERATION gap, that is. The gap in knowledge and experience which has been keeping the generations apart... for generations. And that's not so good if you happen to be a parent trying to raise a family...or a professor trying to teach students 
who are only 18 years old.

That's why the officials at Wisconsin's Beloit College come up each year 
with what they call the "Mindset List." It's a humorous reminder to the professors that the celebrities, news stories and facts that were common knowledge when THEY were young aren't even a memory for today's freshmen. They weren't around when JFK was shot but they can talk about the shootings at Columbine.

So this list is meant to prevent those awkward moments of "generation gapitis. "

This year's edition points out that from the perspective of the incoming 
freshmen...most of whom were born in 1983... there has always been a hole in the 
ozone layer...Sarajevo was a war zone and not an Olympic city...They don't 
remember when Ricky Nelson and Marvin Gaye were alive... and they have never 
known exactly what to call the rock star formerly and presently known as 
Prince. Although come to think of it, who does?

Some students say the Mindset List is inaccurate; it belittles and 
stereotypes them. One of the authors of the list, English Professor Tom 
McBride denies that. Says McBride with a smile, "We're not saying you're 
ignorant...just limited."

Hmmm, students of Beloit, I think he just called you ignorant.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS GARY CONDIT
Moved: 8/23/2001 7:42
CBS-GARY CONDIT 8/23/2001

Feeding the beast. This is DR...

We're back on the Gary Condit story, and the search is on for a fresh angle. Because as we say in the industry, you have to "feed the beast." 

Here's one headline I saw:

"Could Condit's Body Language Tell Us If He is Hiding Something?"

I guess we HAVE to watch now...

In the meantime, we have the letter to his constituents -- in which he points out that contrary to his portrayal in news reports, he has been far from silent. (QUOTE) "I have answered every single question asked by the police and FBI." His PUBLIC silence was because the tabloids were reporting rumors as facts.

As for the unspoken question driving those rumors, he says this QUOTE:

"Some suggest that not talking with the media could mean I had something to do with Chandra's disappearance. 

I did not. 

I pray that she has not met the same fate as the other young women who have disappeared from the same neighborhood.

In other words, if you would look for a cause -- start with her decision to live where she did.

And THEN he writes:

(QUOTE) I am not perfect and have made my share of mistakes.
For 30 years ... thousands of people have come to me with their personal problems.

A son in trouble ... a farm going broke, a mortgage that couldn't be paid.

And each time, people trusted that I would treat their problems with care." (UNQUOTE)

In other words, 'When you came to me with your problems, I respected YOUR privacy. Now it's your turn to do the same.'

So -- what's the truth? We still don't know. But at least "the beast has been fed."

Now this. This is DR... 
Index 

CBS POWERBALL
Moved: 8/22/2001 7:33
POWERBALL 8/22/2001

America feels the fever. This is DR...

Powerball fever has erupted again -- the Jackpot is up to 200 million dollars, and people are lining up again at stores and gas stations, using the unassailable logic that you can't win if you don't play.

Of course is almost EVERY case, you can't win even if you DO play -- and yet that TINY SLIVER of uncertainly is enough to draw millions!

Even though the head of The Powerball Group was on television today talking DOWN his own contest -- spelling out just how UNLIKELY it is to win. He pointed out that the odds are one in 80 million, which is equivalent to one winner in a line of people reaching from Washington D-C to California and back seven times!

But that doesn't matter. As long as there is ANY chance, people will play.

And players are getting very sophisticated -- forming buying groups to cut the odds. -- Treating it as an investment.

And it hit me! That's IT!

That's what Alan Greenspan should be doing. He's been out there there playing around with interest rates and economic forecasts for seven months, trying to find some way to get people buying stocks again, and no one cares.

No! He needs to get up there on billboards. Big red letters: "Play NASDAQ. Jackpot One BILLION dollars." The fed chairman, beaming, surrounded by happy middle class people holding their brokerage statements.

I don't know what the odds of that would be, but who cares? And they HAVE to be better than one in 80 million. The odds of ANYTHING happening are better than one in 80 million. 

The odds of that ANTI-MISSILE system working are better than one in 80 million.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SURPLUS
Moved: 8/22/2001 7:33
CBS-SURPLUS 8/22/2001

Relax... the surplus lives. This is DR.

After all the warnings that the surplus was disappearing; after dire warnings from Democrats that the tax cut was eating away at fiscal responsibility, the White House has released figures showing that the nation is (QUOTE) ``awash with extra money."

No, it is not the 281 billion surplus predicted last April -- it has dropped by 123 billion since then -- but that still leaves 158 BILLION dollars.

Which means if the trend holds up, by the end of the fiscal year a month from now 158 BILLION more dollars will have come into the Treasury than was than was paid out.

There is only one little caveat here -- which is that all but one billion of that comes from the payroll tax. Your social security payments.

And that's supposed to be off limits. The lockbox, and all that.

So, while its true the federal government is "awash with extra money", it's awash with extra money that can't be spent.

So it's like being told you're rich, but that you can't have the money for about 15 years -- which is when the lockbox would have to be opened to keep the system going.

And once again, it makes for the perfect debate. The Democrats say the surplus that is actually available for spending is down to an insignificant one billion dollars -- and they'd be right. While the Republicans can reply, "but the government is AWASH with extra money" -- and THEY'd be right.

It just depends on what the definition of "awash" is. Maybe what it means is that both sides are all wet.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS COLLEGE
Moved: 8/22/2001 7:33
CBS-COLLEGE 8/20/2001

Ranking alma mater. This is DR...

It's three weeks until US News and World report releases it's annual Best Colleges and Universities issue, but they're already taking the heat.

The rankings are based on statistics, and according to the critics, ranking colleges based solely on numbers defies common sense.

A former US News employee, who helped put together the list, but has since defected -- put together an expose in the current issue of the Washington Monthly which says that the list (QUOTE) "pays scant attention to measures of learning or good educational practices."

But is it really any worse than the OTHER ways of selecting a college? If you have college age kids you know the drill. You go on a tour, you walk around the campus, you see an empty but BEAUTIFUL lecture hall, they tell you the faculty-student ratio is so good you'll find professors under your bed, they describe the gourmet meal plan, the exotic foreign countries where you can spend your junior year eating food that is better STILL, show you a student center that looks like a health club, tell you that they never ever make a decision based simply on test scores, give you a view book full of pictures of happy and diverse students, and off you go.

So what's worse -- a meaningless tour or a meaningless survey?

There's REALLY only stat you need, about a college. It's the stat they NEVER give you, of course, but it's the only stat that would provide any useful information about the institution. And it's this:

"Percentage of graduates who move back home within five years of graduation."

Anything over 2% -- my tuition money goes elsewhere.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS GILDED CAGE
Moved: 8/22/2001 7:33
CBS-GILDED CAGE 8/21/2001

Home Sweet Cage. Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

What can be bad about working and living in the White House as President of 
the United States. You've got a staff, servants, an Oval Office, a West 
Wing, and you certainly can't beat the commute.

But to hear it from Presidents past and present, the White House can be a 
"big white jail." Harry S. Truman once said that. Richard Nixon thought he 
was living on a remote island. Nixon felt isolated from reality, he said. He often felt the need to get out of the White House and out of Washington..." Watergate took care of that.

Reagan -- he preferred his ranch. Bush senior preferred Kennebunkport. Clinton got bored there, probably would have been better off if he'd had a private place to unwind... 

And the present occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue clearly can't stand it.

He'd rather be on a ranch on a hot, one-stop light town than in the Gilded Cage.

But I don't think it's only the FISHBOWL nature of the building that spooks its occupants.

It's something even ordinary American can identify with: the Home Office syndrome.

At first, the idea of just walking downstairs to work seems REALLY great. But slowly, it begins to take over. Until you find that when you want to get away from work -- you can't. Because It's in the next room, haunting you. 

You begin to wish you were commuting again.

Maybe its time to stop expecting the President to live at the White House and let him live wherever he wants.

And as for what to do with a vacated Presidential Mansion? Rent the bedrooms, of course.

Now this.

Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS AIR POLLUTION
Moved: 8/22/2001 7:33
CBS-AIR POLLUTION 8/21/2001

Is air pollution bad or not? This is DR...

In the latest issue of the Journal Science is a study by Carnegie Mellon University which claims that (QUOTE) "more people are being killed by air pollution than from traffic crashes." 

The study was conducted by visiting Professor Dr. Devra Lee Davis who studied figures on premature deaths from asthma, heart disease, and lung disorders in Sao Paulo, Mexico City; Santiago; and New York City -- and she concluded that over the next twenty years, you could save 64,000 lives just those four cities by reducing emissions.

But Dr. Pat Michaels of the University of Virginia says this isn't science, this is just an editorial masquerading as science.

A scholar at the Cato Institute -- a libertarian think tank -- also rejected the link between death and poor air quality, saying there is not ONE credible study linking the two.

So there you go. Where does that leave us -- is it safe to take the next breath, or not?

I frankly have no idea whether the Carnegie Mellon study is good science, but I am always surprised at the number of voices that seem to rise in defense of air pollution.

I think there is a really simple test of whether the gases emitted by factories and cars are safe or not -- and it's this: you ask the CEOs of the factories in question when they will move their homes within, say, a half mile of their biggest plant.

You ask the CEOs of car companies when they'll be mounting the exhaust pipe of their personal vehicle in the FRONT, so they get first crack at breathing the healthful fumes.

It may not be good science, but it would tell us more than any study.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS JAPAN FRAUD
Moved: 8/21/2001 5:17
CBS-JAPAN FRAUD - [Phil] 8/20/2001

He fooled everybody. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Shinichi Fujimura was considered a superstar in the world of Japanese archaeology... a real life Indiana Jones. Though he worked full-time as an electronics manufacturer, he had an uncanny ability to make significant discoveries. He found a stone implement that he estimated at more than 40thousand years old... 10thousand years older than any previous finds in Japan. Later he found stone tools 600thousand years old which were arranged in a way that showed an unparalleled level of human symbolic recognition. 

Hey -- no wonder Japanese cars are so good. Look at the head start they got!

So dramatic were these discoveries, some experts changed their minds about human evolution. Authors started rewriting textbooks. Fujimura earned the nickname "The Hand of God." 

Not bad for an electronics manufacturer. Unfortunately, as it turned out, electronics wasn't all he was manufacturing.

Last fall, a newspaper reporter secretly videotaped Fujimura at one of his digs in northern Japan BURYING artifacts, then pounding down the earth on top of them with his foot. The Hand of God caught red-handed.

The Fujimura affair is now considered among the worst cases of academic fraud ever in Japan.

But you know ... there are so many theories now about how artifacts and fossils got where they are... suppose it turns out both the evolutionists AND the creationists are wrong. Suppose all the stuff we've been finding was planted there by ... con-men.

We'd have to teach the kids the theory of CON-volution. Ha ha ha.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS KETCHUP SAT
Moved: 8/3/2001 13:33
ROSS REPORT WED AUG 1 "PURPLE KETCHUP" [not used as of 8/3]

The Color Purple...Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Ketchup isn't what it used to be... Ketchup used to be red...tasted roughly like tomatoes and it came in bottles that usually made it impossible to get the stuff out...unless you had a degree in fluid mechanics...and kids loved to put in on everything.

It was America's condiment.

But as a condiment, ketchup was losing market share to barbeque sauces, salsa and Dijon mustard... too many people Passing the Poupon. And far too many disinterested children.

So last year... the King of Ketchup, Heinz took action. They didn't change the flavor of ketchup, they didn't change the consistency...they just changed the color...to green. 

And they put it in a new plastic squeeze bottle with a special nozzle that allowed kids to paint their food with green ketchup. They could have their art and eat it too.

In seven months, Heinz sold more than 10 million bottles of green ketchup and increased its market share by almost 5 percentage points.

So now, it's a new fiscal year, time for Heinz to announce another advance in the field of condiments ... and here it is -- ketchup will now be available in PURPLE.

Why? Because it's a yucky color, and therefore kids love it.

So, to summarize:

Ketchup was a big fat dud
After all, it looked like blood.
It turns out what makes children smile 
Is ketchup that resembles BILE
And now we've passed another hurdle
Ketchup in the color purple...
As for adults, its probably wise
Before you eat, to close your eyes.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS KETCHUP SAT
Moved: 8/3/2001 13:32
ROSS REPORT WED AUG 1 "PURPLE KETCHUP"

The Color Purple...Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Ketchup isn't what it used to be... Ketchup used to be red...tasted roughly like tomatoes and it came in bottles that usually made it impossible to get the stuff out...unless you had a degree in fluid mechanics...and kids loved to put in on everything.

It was America's condiment.

But as a condiment, ketchup was losing market share to barbeque sauces, salsa and Dijon mustard... too many people Passing the Poupon. And far too many disinterested children.

So last year... the King of Ketchup, Heinz took action. They didn't change the flavor of ketchup, they didn't change the consistency...they just changed the color...to green. 

And they put it in a new plastic squeeze bottle with a special nozzle that allowed kids to paint their food with green ketchup. They could have their art and eat it too.

In seven months, Heinz sold more than 10 million bottles of green ketchup and increased its market share by almost 5 percentage points.

So now, it's a new fiscal year, time for Heinz to announce another advance in the field of condiments ... and here it is -- ketchup will now be available in PURPLE.

Why? Because it's a yucky color, and therefore kids love it.

So, to summarize:

Ketchup was a big fat dud
After all, it looked like blood.
It turns out what makes children smile 
Is ketchup that resembles BILE
And now we've passed another hurdle
Ketchup in the color purple...
As for adults, its probably wise
Before you eat, to close your eyes.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NEW JERSEY
Moved: 8/3/2001 13:32
CBS-NEW JERSEY 8/3/2001

A New Jersey State of Mind...Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

What springs to mind when I invoke the term... "New Jersey."

Researchers at New Jersey's Fairleigh Dickinson University wanted to find out -- so
they conducted a poll. They surveyed 5hundred people who live in the state and 
talked to 8hundred who don't.

And this is what the poll found out...

New Jersey has a big public relations problem.

It has nothing to do with the jokes about traffic jams...turnpike rest 
stops...smelly refineries...garbage dumps...the New Jersey Nets...Tony 
Soprano...burial sites of Jimmy Hoffa...Nothing to do with 
any of that.

New Jersey's problem is that most people from outside of the state say they 
don't think anything about the Garden State. Nothing at all.

They didn't know enough about New Jersey EVEN to have an opinion. "You mean, there's a NAME for that place between New York and Pennsylvania?" 

As for the others who DID have something to say to the pollsters -- they mentioned pollution, casinos, sports teams, overcrowding ... and a bad smell.

THERE's a line for the tourist brochure! Come To New Jersey! We've 
got pollution, casinos, overcrowding and a bad smell! 

But maybe it doesn't matter. Two thirds of the Jersey people surveyed say they 
didn't care what others thought about their beloved state...even if it was 
nothing at all.

When told of the poll results...New Jersey's Acting Governor Donald 
DiFranceso said that "I couldn't care less ... I ain't going nowhere."

Now THAT'S a slogan.

Now this.

Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS CELL PHONES
Moved: 8/3/2001 13:30
CBS-CELL PHONES 8/3/2001

Hands free cell phones will not solve the problem. This is DR...

Conventional wisdom says the problem with cell phones in cars is that you have to hold them. That's why anti-cell phone laws exempt hands-free cell phones -- you don't have to hold the handset, therefore you can pay attention to your driving.

But it turns out the problem isn't where the hands are.

Scientists at Carnegie Mellon University used images of brain activity to study what happens when you try to concentrate on two things at once. They wanted to find out whether more of the brain gets involved as the mental challenge increases.

They presented test subjects with two different types of mental tasks. One was to listen to a complex sentence; the other was to look at a pair of shapes and rotate them mentally to see if they were the same. 

The scientists mapped how much of the brain was required to do each task individually; then they had the subjects do them SIMULTANEOUSLY. So, as I'm speaking these sentences, try to, in your mind, rotate a coffee cup and tell me if it's the same as a Shriners hat. While at the same time paying complete attention to me speak -- ROTATE THE CUP -- speak these complex -- ROTATE THE CUP -- sentences.

Well the researchers found that even though these two tasks use different parts of the brain, and each require a certain amount of brain tissue, when you try to do them at the same time, the amount of your brain devoted to each one DROPS... to about 57% of what it would normally take.

The problem isn't where the hands are -- it's where the brain is.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS RED LIGHT
Moved: 8/3/2001 13:30
CBS-RED-LIGHT 8/03/2001

E-mail to daveross.com. This is DR...

This week Congress tackled - among other things -- the constitutionality of red light cameras, and I made it pretty clear I thought they were perfectly constitutional... that indeed when the founding fathers WROTE the constitution, they wrote it with red light cameras in mind.

Anyway, that inspired the following letter:

Dear Dave:

With a live cop, I get instant feedback that I made a mistake. With a photocop sequence. I could break the
law a dozen times, racking up huge fines, before the first ticket hit my mailbox... I also want signs, warning me the photo cops are in use. Otherwise it's just as much entrapment as the cop hiding behind the billboard. Something I think is crooked also.

Signed John.

John, I agree with you: that motorists should be warned whenever possible, that traffic laws are actually being enforced -- since it IS relatively rare that they ARE.

But if people only obeyed the laws when they KNEW they were being enforced, we'd obey the law of gravity, and that's about it.

What amazes me is that you look the number of laws on the books -- and it's stunning. Laws against EVERYTHING you can imagine. Arcane tax laws, land use laws, trade laws.

And yet tell me what law is as important to the health and safety of the average car-addicted American as the law that says you have to STOP AT A RED LIGHT???

And if you want a warning that photo cops might be in use at intersections, how about this:

((ECHO)) PHOTO COPS MIGHT BE IN USE AT INTERSECTIONS!

And thanks for the e-mail.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS CASKET
Moved: 8/3/2001 13:30
CBS-CASKET 8/3/200

It's only a box...Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Jerry Womack is a Monroe, Louisiana businessman who's fighting for the right 
to sell inexpensive boxes directly to the public...boxes made out of wood or 
steel. Special boxes. Coffins, in fact. And there's the problem.

You see, in Louisiana and in other states, the only person who can legally 
sell you -- or your loved one -- a coffin...is a licensed funeral home director. 
The law is designed to protect consumers from flybynight dealers selling inferior merchandise. Although it seems more like a law protecting funeral home directors from people selling cheap coffins.

That's certainly what Jerry Womack thinks. He doesn't see himself as a threat to anybody. He's not trying to sell dope on the street corner. Just trying to give people a choice. It's just a BOX for heavens sake! It doesn't take any special training to sell it -- as far as he's concerned Wal Mart should be able to sell them.
Although it might detract from the festive atmosphere.

So Jerry Womack is in federal court seeking to declare the Louisiana casket law 
unconstitutional...and he may have a case. In recent months, similar laws 
have been overturned by the courts in Mississippi, Georgia and 
Tennessee...another case is pending in Oklahoma.

And if he succeeds -- the day is probably not far off when caskets WILL be for sale in Wal Mart. Or Casket World. Or Coffins 'R Us?

Now This.

I'm Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS BURGER KING
Moved: 8/3/2001 13:30
CBS-BURGER KING 7/31/2001

More killer toys. This is DR...

Burger King is recalling the toys in its Kids Meals once again. This time the problem toys are the "Look For Me Bumble Bee" and "Hourglass Space Sprout" -- 2.6 million of them -- recalled because they could break apart and choke small children.

No small children HAVE choked yet, but 18 parents complained about the toys breaking.

This makes the third toy recall for is Burger King in two years.

In March, Burger King decided to recall 400,000 "Rattling, Paddling Riverboat" because kids could choke on them -- and in December 1999, it recalled toy Pokemon balls after a 13-month-old girl got one of them stuck over her mouth and nose, and suffocated. The company had checked the toys for choking, but not for suffocation.

And Burger King isn't alone. The 234,000 "Scooter Bugs" McDonald's packed with its Happy Meals were recalled last March because three children broke off the "Scooter Bug's" antenna and gagged. This has been going on ever since fast food restaurants started handing out toys, but in just the last two years, about 30 million fast food toys have had to be recalled.

Here's what I don't get.

These restaurants are in the business of selling food to children. In other words, their primary mission is to sell a product that children are supposed to load into their little mouths. Why then, with that product, would you include a hard plastic thing which they are NOT supposed to load into their little mouths? It's a confusing message.

Like when you're eating cereal, and you see a wet coupon in your spoon.

Give the kids a carrot.

Now this. This is DR... 
Index 

CBS TREASURY BORROWS
Moved: 8/3/2001 13:30
CBS-TREASURY BORROWS 7/31/2001

Time to check the National Debt. This is DR...

I thought I'd take a moment here to find out how far the national debt has been dropping... and for that, we go to the treasury department web site, and a page headlined "The Debt to the Penny."

And we find that the national debt as of the beginning of July was 5 trillion 693 billion 220 million, 327 thousand 798 dollars and 14 cents -- and the debt as of yesterday was... wait! This can't be right. According to the web site, it's: 5 trillion, 736 billion etc etc.

That would mean the debt went UP by 43.4 BILLION in just the last month.

Isn't it supposed to be going down? Isn't that why we're getting those tax rebate checks -- Because the treasury is awash in surplus tax money?

Except that according to today's news, it is NOT awash in surplus tax money. Treasury officials admit they're having a cash flow problem, and that the only way they can back those tax rebate checks is to ... borrow the money.

In fact, the Treasury is actually floating more government bonds to pay for the rebate. Bonds they have to pay interest on. Bonds which are bought, for example, by banks ... which use our savings deposits to pay for them.

So in other words, we're getting our money back because the government doesn't need it, except even though they didn't need it, they had already spent it, which means to give us back our money, they have to borrow it from us first, and then pay us interest on it.

O-K!

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS BRAIN DRAIN
Moved: 8/2/2001 11:14
CBS-BRAIN DRAIN (Phil) 8/2/2001

The Brain Drain. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The brain drain has been good for America. Over the years the best and 
brightest scientists from other countries would come to work in the United 
States because...to put it bluntly...the pay's better here. And these 
scientists have done their part to make the United States a leader in the 
the fields of medicine, rocket science, computing, pharmaceuticals... in fact 
we lead the world in practically everything.

But there's one field where we probably won't be NUMBER ONE...and that's the 
field of human cell research. The House of Representatives has voted to make all 
human cloning illegal...even if it's for medical purposes. And the Senate is poised to pass similar legislation.

So in the very near future, any scientist who continues his or her work in human cloning might face 10 years in prison and a million dollar fine. Kind of a DISincentive.

Even though Congress is going to make criminals out of scientists in this field, the research won't stop ... it just won't continue here ... it'll probably go to England where therapeutic cloning is legal.

And that means the scientists and the labs will be going to England too ... or 
France ... or Germany ... or Australia. Already one leading stem cell expert, 
Roger Pedersen of the University of California at San Francisco, has left 
the United State for a job at Britain's Cambridge University.

It's the new sucking sound... American researchers DEFECTING to other countries -- where the law doesn't equate cell clusters with babies, and science isn't a crime.

Now this.

Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS ENERGY3
Moved: 8/2/2001 11:14
CBS-ENERGY3 8/2/2001

More energy is on the way. This is Dave Ross...

The House has voted to drill for oil the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge.

The provision is part of the President's energy bill, which passed easily after the House defeated an attempt to raise the mileage rules on SUVs and Minivans.

The bill also provides tax breaks to encourage more coal, oil, and nuclear energy, and six billion dollars to encourage solar panels, hybrid cars, and energy efficient appliances.

But the controversial part is the drilling. It still has to make it through the Senate -- but it's going to put the Caribou back on the front page -- the 129,000 porcupine Caribou who apparently like to mate right where the oil is. 

With the defeat of the mileage rules, environmental groups will argue the Caribou are being sacrificed for cargo space.

Well, with all due respect to environmentalists -- because I believe they are sincere -- in a contest between the caribou and cargo space, the caribou can't win.

As beautiful as they are, Caribou have no place to put a week's worth of groceries. Unless a future episode of "Survivor" is set in the arctic, most Americans will never be able to identify with them.

The wildlife refuge is flat, empty, cold, and nobody goes there unless they're oil scouts, or journalists, or have a job tagging Caribou.

Plus, it appears that the Caribou themselves don't care. In Prudhoe Bay, where the oil companies have been drilling for a long time, the Caribou herd has actually increased. 

Apparently they find drilling to be erotic -- just like a majority of the US House.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS RED LIGHT
Moved: 8/2/2001 7:41
REDLIGHT.CBS 07/31/01 3:19 PMDLR 3:04 Cameras Debated 

Stop or we'll shoot. This is DR...

Judging from the testimony before Congress, the worst assault on freedom since the revolution is... the red light camera. The red light camera -- which detects when a car has ignored a red light, snaps a picture of the license plate, and sends out a ticket.

On one side, you have drivers who have been hit by red light scofflaws and say the more cameras the better; on the other side, you have guardians of privacy, led by House Majority Leader Dick Armey. He considers these to be nothing more than cash cows for cities at best -- and at worst, Big Brother devices which intrude upon a motorists privacy.

Rep. Bob Barr, RGa., said the cameras could eviscerate Fourth Amendment protections against unreasonable search and seizure. 

Except, I can't figure out how snapping your picture at a public intersection constitutes unreasonable search and seizure.

If the government can make you file a tax return with all your intimate financial details, how exactly is snapping your picture as you go screaming through a red light a violation of your privacy?

And just because cities collect fines -- so what? Cities also collect taxes from people who didn't do ANYTHING wrong. What's the big deal?

Unless it was someone ELSE behind the wheel, IF the picture shows the light's red at the same time you're in the intersection, that's darn good evidence. And you see, I think THAT's the problem.

They're catching lots of nice white guys in ties -- and nice white guys in ties aren't used to getting caught.

The problem isn't that red light cameras are UN-fair: it's that they're TOO fair.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TV COARSE
Moved: 8/2/2001 7:41
CBS-TV COARSE 8/1/2001

Parents, shield your children from what I am about to say. This is DR...

There is coarse language occurring on television, and it's happening early in the evening while you and your family are watching.

According to the Parents Television Council -- whose job it is to watch television so that you don't have to -- even during the so-called family hour, television has become coarser. There's more swearing, there's more violence, there's more blatant sex.

All this despite the ratings system.

Or maybe -- BECAUSE of it.

Maybe the networks figure -- we warned them, we'd better deliver. And deliver they do! 

For example, swear words: compared to the 98-99 season, the 2000-2001 season had 78% more swear words, defined as -- oh -- now I'm going to have to read these swear words.

(SIGH)

OK -- swear words including: "a-s-s" which was the most common, occurring more than once an hour. 

And that doesn't even include words such as "hell", "damn" and "c-r-a-p."

And as if THAT wasn't enough, violence was up too -- up 70%.

As for sexual material -- it was actually DOWN 17%, but what's left is -- well, I'll just play the cut from Executive Director Mark Hoenig so you can hear what the council saw:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>ROSS-MarkHoenig
Time: 5s
Title: Exec Dir PTC
In-cue: Phone Sex
Out-cue: Genitalia]

Stop! Stop! Stop! Geez Mark .. learn to spell, will you?

Of course the survey included UPN so what do you expect -- UPN: 18.1 outbreaks of offensive content per hour. They're SO busy saying a-s-s there's hardly time for the commercials.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS JOYSTICK
Moved: 7/31/2001 5:22
JOYSTICK.CBS 07/29/01 11:43 PMDLR 1:21 

Computers that paralyze... This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

It's bad enough that computer keyboards can give you carpal tunnel syndrome...now here's news about a computer joystick...that can momentarily immobilize your hands with a jolt of electricity. And we're not talking about any faulty products here...any product recalls...we're talking about a gizmo that's designed on purpose to give you an electrical shock.

Who in his right mind would want a joystick like that ? A computer video game fanatic that's who. The BIOFORCE..that's what it's called...will immobilize the player's hands whenever his video character takes a virtual hit...he too will feel the experience of being zapped...if only in his hands.

The makers of Bioforce say the feeling is a mildly shocking sensation that renders the hands momentarily useless by tensing the muscles. A little like those weightloss machines that cause your muscles to twitch with small electrical shocks. 

Hey  we keep hearing warnings about how video kids have been porking up. The question is, will kids accept this as part of the entertainment, or merely an unwelcome form of punishment.

The manufacturers of Bioforce are still tinkering while they study the medical implications of a joystick that dishes out a mildly paralytic electric shock.

But if they can get it right  Bioforce could turn out to be the next musthave gift for the holiday season for your kids......and why not  it combines the video games they love, with the electric shock therapy they need.

Now this. Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS HANSSEN
Moved: 7/31/2001 5:22
CBS-HANSSEN 7/30/2001

The Hansen case gets even better. This is DR...

You may remember that during the 1980's the FBI was still worried about communist organizations infiltrating the United States, and so agents were assigned to check out some of these groups.

These agents checked out high profile peace activists and anti-nuclear activists, including ministers, and even teachers who seemed to have liberal leanings.

All this has already been exposed and roundly condemned by Congress...

But the Washington Post came out with an article today revealing that among the FBI agents supervising this loyalty operation -- you're not going to believe this -- but among the agents supervising this operation was ROBERT HANSSEN!

You know -- Robert Hanssen, the agent who spied for the Russians? 

According to the Post he was a key supervisor in this loyalty operation. Pretty good cover, wouldn't you say?

The post obtained the documents -- many of them sporting Hanssen's initials, under the Freedom of Information Act. In one memo, he actually warned that Russian agents might be trying to recruit U.S. physicians and astronauts for subversive activities in the United States. He ought to know, huh!

And so there it was -- FBI agents scouring the landscape for crazy liberals and missing the out of control conservative in the next cubicle.

Luckily, he missed the biggest secret of all -- the thing that our more repressive competitors have yet to learn; the secret to what REALLY makes America different. See, we TRY to clamp down on our activists just like other nations do -- but for some happy reason, we always manage to screw it up.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS FOOD
Moved: 7/27/2001 7:48
CBS-FOOD 7/27/2001

Are you ready for full nutritional disclosure. This is DR....

Those consumer advocates are on their ingredient kick again. I turn on the radio and I hear there's been ANOTHER news conference by consumer advocates warning us that ingredient labels aren't telling the whole truth. That they only list the NAMES of the ingredients, but NOT the amounts. And consumer advocates want to advocate for a list of AMOUNTS. Percentages. MORE numbers on labels. All in the name of full nutritional disclosure.

They point out that, for example, under current law, you can sell strawberry yogurt, and still call it strawberry yogurt, even though it contains no strawberries; you can even sell a carrot cake that contains no carrots, only carrot POWDER. And THAT, say the consumer advocates, is dishonest. It doesn't not reflect the truth.

Yeah, well maybe we consumers CAN'T HANDLE the truth!

EVERY TIME I read one of those articles about what's in food, I just want to stop eating. 

Maybe we LIKE carrot powder -- who wants a cake where those little carrot shards stick in your teeth. And if those aren't real strawberries at the bottom of the yogurt cup -- as long as they sufficiently resemble strawberries, let us dream, OK?

By the way -- did you know that a calorie isn't actually a Calorie? Remember the calorie you learned about in Chemistry class? That's "calorie" with a small; "c". The calorie in food is with a BIG "C".

You know how many little "c" calories are in a big "C" calorie? 1,000. A cup of yogurt with 170 Calories, try 170,000 calories! THAT's why the seat belt feels tight. Fake fruit's the least of our problems.

Now this.

This is DR 
Index 

CBS LA VERKIN
Moved: 7/27/2001 7:48
CBS-LA VERKIN 7/27/2001

UN-- keep out. This is DR...

The leaders of the Utah town of La Verkin have declared their independence from the United Nations. During a special meeting on the Fourth of July they voted 3-2 to make La Verkin a United Nations-free zone. That meant spending no city funds on any groups that support the UN, and forbidding the use of the UN insignia on city property.

Individual residents would be allowed to do work for the United Nations, but they would have to file annual reports with the city, AND post a lawn sign or some other warning label.

Something like "I work for the UN. Egg my house."

Some residents thought it was dumb, some thought it was about time, and the state attorney general worried it was illegal... so now the ordinance has been modified.

As of last Wednesday, the ordinance no longer requires those who work for the UN to post a sign, and the clause which prevented the city from contracting or investing with UN-affiliated companies was also dropped.

But still intact are the provisions which declare La Verkin a UN free zone, and prevent the UN from taxing the city or stationing troops there unless specifically authorized by the federal government. In other words, they've caved. he ordinance it is now meaningless.

It's only a matter of time before UN bureaucrats occupy La Verkin and force the residents to wear those silly little headphones. 

I say, if small towns REALLY want to protect their residents, don't waste your time with resolutions forbidding the UN. Pass resolutions forbidding ROGUE missiles. THAT's the real threat to small town America. You know the kind of potholes THEY leave...
Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS TEN COMMANDMENTS
Moved: 7/27/2001 7:48
CBS-TEN COMMANDMENTS

Let the experiment begin! This is DR...

The North Carolina state Legislature has approved a bill allowing public schools to display the Ten Commandments.

Courts usually prohibit displays of the Ten Commandments on grounds they violate the separation of church and state. 

But supporters hope this one will survive, because it allows North Carolina schools to display "any historical document or object that has influenced the nation's government and legal system," not just the Ten Commandments.

SO presumably, schools could post giant blowups of campaign checks.

But the ACLU is prepared to sue anyway -- which is too bad.

I wish the ACLU -- instead of suing -- would run a survey instead.

Set up a monitoring committee for the State of North Carolina that does the following: you take the rate of school expulsions for various things like cheating, disrespectful behavior, fighting -- and you see whether it changes once the Ten Commandments are posted.

Because a lot of people have just been ASSUMING that posting the Ten Commandments will work. And yet, if you look in the Old Testament, where they were originally spelled out -- and spelled out REPEATEDLY -- they were repeatedly violated.

God repeatedly has to hurl death and destruction at his own people -- and they had the ORIGINALS right there! But OK -- maybe they didn't have them in the schools.

The point it -- let's find out. If they work -- the ACLU should let other states try it. And if they don't -- if kids are just as bad with the Ten Commandments displayed as they were before -- I guess it's back to the Ritalin.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CONDIT
Moved: 7/27/2001 7:48
CBS-CONDIT 7/27/2001

Still not a suspect. This is DR... 

Congressman Gary Condit continues not to be a suspect in the disappearance of the 24 year old intern he was having an affair with -- but the police sure seem to have a lot of questions for him.

They have now interviewed him for the FOURTH time.

The latest interview lasted two hours -- and the speculation is that among the questions police had was "what about that watch box you threw away just before we searched your apartment."

The watch case reportedly contained a gift from one Joleen Argentini McCay -- a woman who evidently thought Condit needed a decent timepiece. So now HER name now goes on the list.

Meantime, Rep. Scott McInnis, Republican of Colorado, is fed up with the who sordid story. He says it's time to add a rule to the official House standards of conduct that sexual relationships between interns and members of Congress are unethical. 

As he points out, interns are not intended to serve the lovemaking
purposes of U.S. Congressmen -- although a significant number of interns apparently see themselves that way -- but I guess he believes that if it is actually written into the rules, the MEMBERS, at least, will get the message.

"Oh -- we didn't know that sleeping around while married was against the CONGRESSIONAL ETHICS rules -- we'll stop right now."

But I wonder if he's really SERIOUS about this.

Remember -- this is a Congress that can't even reform campaign finances, because reform would inhibit freedom of expression. This is a Congress that finds red-light cameras to be an invasion of privacy.

And now they're going to somehow regulate private affairs?

Right.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GERM WARFARE
Moved: 7/26/2001 8:06
CBS-GERM WARFARE 7/26/2001

Those annoying germs. This DR... 

The United States has rejected the latest plan for enforcing a ban on germ warfare, saying it just won't work. The nations of the world have been tussling over how to enforce this ban for almost ten years, but Ambassador Donald Mahley said it would put national security and confidential business information at risk.

In other words, we support a ban on the killer germs -- we just don't like the way it would be enforced. Now, typically the way these things are enforced is a group of very smart inspectors shows up one day at the front door of a laboratory with the legal authority to snoop around. The way we used to do with Iraqi weapons sites.

But an official is quoted in the Washington Post saying that lobbying by chemical and pharmaceutical companies had weakened the inspection provisions. Apparently it's US businesses that don't WANT germ warfare inspectors snooping around.

Because as Ambassador Mahley said it could put confidential business information at risk.

But what does that mean exactly? Are there businesses in the US that ARE dabbling with dangerous germs?

Because if so -- never mind whether our enemies find out where they are, I want to know where they are!

Put it on a map so we can all move as far away from there as possible.

Everybody's all in a dither about genetically engineered CORN meal. Well I could probably survive a few crazy corn genes... but an accidental anthrax release would really ruin my appetite.

That's not the reason they don't want these inspections, is it?

Now this.

This is DR.... 
Index 

CBS V CHIP 2
Moved: 7/26/2001 8:06
CBS-TV CHIP 7/26/2001

The loneliest chip in your set. This is DR....

50 million TV sets now have V-chips in them - the magical chip that, when properly programmed, can automatically screen out the shows that have been turning your children into crazed gunslinging maniacs.

And now the Kaiser Family Foundation has released the latest report to show that the V-chip is about the loneliest electronic component ever invented.

The survey says about 40 percent of American families now have at least one V-chip TV, but half of them don't know it. They figure that when the screen goes dark it's because the networks ran out of stuff to show.

And of those who DID know they had them, only about onethird said they used them.

Which means despite all the outcry over sex and violence on TV, only 7% of parents are using the V-chip. That means 93% of America's children are little walking grenades.

The real problem, of course, is that Americans never asked for the V-chip. It was approved back in 1996 when the Congress and President Clinton were competeting to see who had the highest morals.

Ha ha ha! I'm sorry -- just reading those words I was overtaken by a temptation toward convulsive laughter!

And you know-- there's where all these surveys have gone wrong. These foundations keep surveying the American PEOPLE to see if THEY use the V-Chip. But we're doing just fine. Who the surveyors SHOULD be surveying are the members of Congress who voted for the V-Chip to see if THEY'RE using the CHIP THEY VOTED FOR.

Speaking for my fellow Americans, we really don't want to play with our TVs, we just want to watch them.

Now this.

This is DR.... 
Index 

CBS SLOW STUDENT SUSPENDE
Moved: 7/25/2001 7:55
CBS-SLOW-STUDENT SUSPENDED

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

HOLT, Mich. (AP) -- An honor student who wore a knife to his prom as part of a Scottish outfit has agreed not to return to his high school for a semester, school officials announced Tuesday.

Honors student Jeremy Hix, 16, will take college classes until the second half of the school year.

Hix was expelled for the remainder of his junior year after a chaperone spotted the knife at the prom, even though he pointed out it was simply part of his Scottish regalia, which included a feathered cap and a kilt in his family tartan. Hix also plays the bagpipes.

He WILL be allowed to attend school functions including dances and sports events during the semester he sits out.

Let's take that real slow.

"He will be allowed to attend school functions including dances..."

So they kick him out of school, but let him attend after school events, even though it was an after school event that got him in trouble. I mean, he didn't wear the knife in class, he wore it at the prom!

Maybe if we read ANOTHER part real slow:

Hix also plays the bagpipes.

(SFX)

That's it! THERE's why they don't want him in class. I don't blame them. 
Index 

CBS SOCIAL SECURITY
Moved: 7/25/2001 7:55
CBS-SOCIAL SECURITY 7/25/2001

Show us the GUARANTEE. This is DR...

The President's commission on Social Security has outlined the case for reform -- and now its time to come up with details. And it looks like those details will include letting people divert some of their payroll taxes into private investment accounts.

The president thinks it a good idea - a lot of people think it's a good idea, and I might think it's a good idea ... except for one thing. 

Everyone says private investments will bring a better payoff, but NO ONE wants to GUARANTEE it. 

NO one will put it in writing.

The reformers worry that today's young workers will NEVER get OUT of the system what they put into it.

Well, a lot of people who invested Amazon, in Lucent, even in Microsoft -- could face the same problem.

The difference is -- I get a mailing every year from Social Security that shows me exactly how much I'll get when I retire. It's guaranteed. 

The mailing I get from my broker guarantees nothing -- except that they will keep an accurate account of my gains and losses. They've done a particularly accurate job with the losses, by the way.

Now there's nothing wrong with people investing the stock market ... but at some point, someone will have to explain what on EARTH investing in the stock market has to do with Social Security. I always considered Social Security the polar OPPOSITE of the stock market. You know -- SAFE! Of COURSE the return is low. 

I thought the purpose of social security was that even if you screwed up all your investments, you wouldn't have to spend your retirement years in a culvert.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS STEM CELLS
Moved: 7/24/2001 7:42
CBS-STEM CELLS

Ignoring the Pope. This is DR...

I don't get it -- as I pointed out yesterday, the Pope delivered an 840-word statement to President Bush on Monday -- and to read the coverage today, you would think the whole speech was about embryos!

Headline in the Washington Post -- "Pope Tells Bush View On Embryos." Followed by an article all about embryos.

Headline in the New York Times -- "Bush Hears Pope Condemn Research On Human Embryos." Followed by an article all about embryos -- except for a few lines pointing out that Bush called the Pope "sir" instead of Your Holiness.

And yet, the Pope mentioned the word EMBRYO exactly ONCE.

Why would one word get so much coverage. Newspapers figured their readers wouldn't be inerested in the rest.

For example. The Pope mentioned the conference of rich nations in Genoa, saying (QUOTE) "The Church cannot but express profound concern that our world continues to be divided ... by a tragic fault line between those who can benefit from these opportunities and those who seem cut off from them." That puts him on the side of many of the protestors!

He also says (QUOTE) "This requires leadership by those nations whose religious and cultural traditions should make them most attentive to the moral dimension of the issues involved."

What he's saying is that sharing the wealth is a MORAL issue.

So when he sums up at the end, saying America must reject practices that devalue and violate human life at any stage -- he's not just talking about protecting embryos from research, but about protecting fully developed human beings from poverty.

Newspapers are probably right -- no one's interested in doing THAT.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS WARMING
Moved: 7/24/2001 7:42
CBS-WARMING 7/24/2001

Some like it hot. This is DR...

So the rest of the world is going ahead with a global warming treaty. The United States will not, for fear it would kill our economy. 

And we're being scolded everywhere as environmental outlaws. While the rest of the world takes Beano, the United States continues its industrial flatulence.

Yeah, well, we've earned the right, darn it. How many times have we saved the rest of the world from one catastrophe or another. Now it's their turn.

Its not even clear the treaty means anything -- the countries that signed have agreed to cut their greenhouse gasses 5% below 1990 levels. But according to climate scientists, if growth continues at the current rate, those same countries will be 15% ABOVE their 1990 levels -- not below. 

Either these countries plan to find some new miracle power source, or they signed this treaty without any intention of obeying it.

In any case, it's time for THEM to step up. Whenever there's an emergency, a flood, an earthquake, a political crisis that needs mediation, a world war, the United States is there.

We send food, we send money, we send troops.

Well, we're tired. We want a little break. We know about the warnings that the ice caps are melting, that farmland will turn to desert, that islands will be swallowed up by rising sea levels.

But you know, if Greenland is melting ... that's Denmark's problem. They own it; they should maintain it.

What we're saying is -- we'll work on stopping the rogue missiles-- the REST of you save the planet.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ASTROLOGY
Moved: 7/23/2001 7:45
CBS-ASTROLOGY 7/23/2001

Finally, a college that teaches a job skill you can actually use. This is DR...

America has law schools, medical schools, engineering schools, fine arts conservatories -- but finally, in an office park in Lynnwood, Washington, just off Interstate 5, there is a college which addresses the shortage of skills in a field far more important than any of those:

The Kepler College of Astrological Arts and Sciences.

It's named for Johannes Kepler, the mathematician who explained planetary motion. But what's NOT so well-known is that he also dabbled in Astrology -- that is, the art of getting otherwise sensible people to turn to section "J" of the newspaper.

And THAT will be the focus of Kepler College -- which plans to offer bachelor's and masters degrees in Astrology.

Said one critic -- it takes a respected scientist and emphasizes his one mistake. Like naming a school after Hemingway, and offering a degree in drunkenness. 

Although -- I believe a lot of colleges do that regardless of who they're named for.

Why should this surprise anyone? Think about it -- in a world where corporate loyalty has disappeared, your prosperity depends on two things the stock market, and Lotto. 

And that creates a critical need to know what your planet's up to.

We live in an age when a lot of colleges exist simply to train professional basketball players. Or to award advanced English degrees to students whose subsequent careers will include communicating what's in the Soup du Jour.

At least graduates of Kepler College are learning a skill that has a future.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS POPE
Moved: 7/23/2001 7:45
CBS-POPE 7/23/2001

What ELSE the Pope said. This is DR....

President Bush held his first meeting with the Pope today -- and the prevailing headline seems to be -- Bush Gets Stern Lecture on Embryo Research.

So I looked at the transcript of the Pope's statement so I could read for myself this stern lecture on Embryo research.

The first paragraph is the standard Welcome to Rome. The second paragraph points out that America defeated Nazism and Communism.

In the third paragraph, he mentions a crisis of values. In the fourth he starts listing them. Topping the list -- Globalization. The Church, says the Pope, is concerned that the world continues to be divided between rich nations and poor nations.

In the fifth paragraph, he calls for a "revolution of opportunity" so that ALL the world's people share the fruits of prosperity.

In paragraph six, he mentions human dignity -- but links it to peace and economic progress. He says all people deserve access to technology. He says immigrants should be welcomed. He says the debt of poor nations should be cancelled. And he says the key to peace is negotiation.

In paragraph seven, he endorses the first Amendment and religious freedom.

And finally, in paragraph eight, he condemns abortion, euthanasia, infanticide, and the creation for research purposes of human embryos.

In short, the Pope had quite a lot to say about his vision of human dignity. But most of it was a call for sharing the world's resources. "Embryo" was one word in a statement that contained 839 others.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CHEATING
Moved: 7/23/2001 7:44
CBS-CHEATING 7/19/2001

Hey -- there's tax cheating going on. And we are shocked. This is DR...

Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill says of COURSE he plans to pursue tax cheats.

At issue is the HUGE amount of money that wealthy Americans have been sheltering in overseas bank accounts in places like the Cayman Islands. And theres some question whether the Treasury Secretary is committed to making those people pay their fair share. Because when presented with a document this week indicating that there are 1.1 million of these secret accounts, only a small fraction of which have file the proper tax papers, the Secretary declared it "amusing."

No doubt it is to those who own the accounts. There's more than $800 BILLION dollars in American money is on deposit in the Cayman Islands alone -- out of the reach of the US tax system. That's one fifth of all the bank deposits in the United States.

That means those of us who DO pay our taxes are getting screwed. Again.

Secretary O'Neill says, don't misunderstand me, I intend to purse tax cheats to the ends of the earth if necessary, but he says we must take care to respect the internal tax policies of foreign nations such as the Cayman Islands.

And of course he's right -- but Mr. Secretary: if we're all about protecting the sovereignty of the Cayman Islands - and I have not doubt they need all the sovereignty they can get -- could you let us know how the REST of us can move our money there?

I mean, we really appreciate the $600, but imagine how big my tax rebate would be if I didn't have to pay any taxes at ALL -- like those guys with their sovereign Cayman Island bank accounts. Then ALL of us could be amused!

Now this.

This is DR.. 
Index 

CBS CHECKS
Moved: 7/23/2001 7:44
CBS-CHECKS 7/20/2001

Today is a great day. This is DR...

You're feeling happier today -- aren't you? Of course you are. The whole country is!

And I know why. It's that little letter from the IRS isn't it? Aha I thought so! At first I wasn't going to open mine -- because it was custom printed with my name, it had that official red stamp on it, saying "Don't Throw This Away;" it had an official government return address -- I mean, it was so real, I thought it was a contest mailing! I almost threw it away.

But thank goodness I didn't -- because inside was a notice that I would be getting a check from my government for $600.

Now a lot of people have criticized this mailing because it cost millions to send it out.

But everyone I know has gotten one -- and everyone I know is just a little happier today.

I mean yes, in essence it's just feel-good government junk mail -- but it works, doesn't it! Because there's nothing about "if you have and return the winning number" no! This time you really ARE already a winner! This is the closest most of us will ever get to knowing how it feels!

And it's so ingenious -- to withhold your taxes, and then, at unpredictable moments, just tell you a check is coming. 

Depending on the social security number -- we have days, weeks, months to anticipate, to plan, to dream about what we will do with that $300 or $500 or $600.

Yes, we know it's our own money -- but it's like ... like finding a $5 bill in your pocket that you left there a year ago. 

In fact, I know exactly what I'm going to do with that $600. Get 120 $5 bills and stuff 'em in all my pants.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ASSIGNMENT 7/13/2001
Moved: 7/20/2001 7:31
CBS-ASSIGNMENT 7/13/2001 rev

Kids with pens. This is DR...

It was a straightforward summer school English assignment, and teacher John Zapacosta had used it before. He asked his students to write a paper based on the following theme: "We only meant to rob the store, we didn't mean to kill him." 18 year old Stephen Moore dutifully went home and wrote an essay based on an actual holdup at a pharmacy in which the night manager was killed.

To him it was just an English assignment, but to his father, it was like handing his son a loaded pen. He pointed out that if his son had written that essay on his own, he might have been suspended or sent to counseling.

The teacher a theme like "We only meant to rob the store, we didn't mean to kill him" would help to teach the lesson of unintended consequences. But even the teacher, on second thought, agreed that in the current climate it was too much, and apologized. 

The teacher will likely go back to using the tickler he USED to use, which goes "I was all alone in the house when I heard the back door creak."

Of course, suppose some kid grabs on to that and describes a murder. I think to be perfectly safe, the theme should be "we only meant to build an anti-missile system, instead we escalated the arms race!" Much safer.

What I can't figure out is why it's the ENGLISH teachers always getting into trouble. What about the Chemistry teacher - look what a kid could do with that stuff.

Personally, I think the most dangerous class in school is drivers ed -- a 16 year old is told after six weeks that he's ready to control 3000 pounds of metal on a public roadway.

That's almost as dangerous as English....

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CINCINNATI2 7/19/200
Moved: 7/20/2001 7:31
CBS-CINCINNATI2 7/19/2001 rev

The end of policing as we know it. This is DR...

Keith Fangman may not win any racial harmony awards for his statements, but as head of the Fraternal Order of Police in Cincinnati, he feels compelled to speak out about the effects of the on-going anti-police demonstrations in his city:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>fangman2
Time: 7s
Title: Keith Fangman
Out-cue: We give up, you win]

Since the police shooting of an unarmed black man in April, there have been demonstrations, investigations, and indictments of police officers. 

And so, instead of making the aggressive traffic stops that lead to charges of racial profiling, many cops have decided its safer to wait until there's a 911 call. The result? In the last three months there has been an eruption of thuggery -- 77 gunshot victims, all black:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>fangman5
Time: 24s
Title: Keith Fangman
Out-cue: black leadership]

Actually black leaders in Cincinnati HAVE organized street patrols, but they're home by midnight. 

Fangman agrees cops should be respectful when they stop innocent people. It's just that some of the people they stop are NOT so innocent:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>fangman4
Time: 7s
Title: Keith Fangman
Out-cue: work very well]

Excuse me, Mr. Thug, sir, but can't we all just get along?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CINCINNATI
Moved: 7/19/2001 10:23
CBS-CINCINNATI 7/19/2001

Be careful what you wish for. This is DR...

It was three months ago that Cincinnati erupted in riots over the police shooting of 19 year old Timothy Thomas. Thomas was unarmed and black, the cop who shot him was white.

There were accusations that the cops were profiling black males, there were civil rights protests, and some of the protests degenerated into looting. 

But the looting wasn't just about getting free stuff, we were told at the time, it also reflected a deep mistrust of law enforcement. It wasn't just about getting a free TV, it was a way to poke a stick in the eye of the oppressor; motivated by RAGE as much as greed.

Well, the cops got the message.

They pulled back on the traffic stops and the kind of pro-active patrolling that leads to charges of profiling. The number of arrests dropped 55%.

And the result? Well, let's compare.

According to the New York Times, from April to June of last year, there were 9 shootings with 11 victims. THIS year, since the April protests, in the same three-month period, there have been 59 shootings with 77 victims; in every case but one, the suspect and the victim were black.

Black community leaders have now organized their OWN nighttime street patrols, and accuse the police of dereliction of duty. Said Rev Damon Lynch -- "the anger is festering again."

Only this time, the anger isn't about the police doing too much, but too little.

Maybe the jump in crime is just a one-time post-riot symptom. I hope so. Because what if -- after all this hand-wringing about police profiling -- we discover ... that it works?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS POWER
Moved: 7/19/2001 8:17
CBS-POWER 7/19/2001

Now there's too MUCH power? This is DR...

Remember those warnings about a long summer of rolling blackouts in California? Well, thanks to conservation and cool weather, California -- man, I hope your air bag is on -- California now has TOO MUCH electricity! That's what the article says!

Juice is spilling out of the wall sockets looking for appliances! The state has so much electricity, we are now told, that it's desperately looking for places to sell the surplus!

And I know what you're thinking ! Finally -- the state can sell the electricity, make a profit, and pay back the taxpayers!

Ha ha ha ha!

No! Because now that there's so much electricity, it's not worth anything!

The state this month is buying power for $133 per megawatt-hour, and selling it for $15 a megawatt hour -- for a loss of $118 per megawatt hour. Those are world-class losses! The kind of losses that would make the post office pay its executives a bonus.

But Dave, you ask, why would the state go out and buy expensive electricity then sell it at a loss? To save money, of course!

Back when power was short, the state paid hugely inflated rates that varied by the minute. So to save the taxpayers some money the state signed long term contracts to buy power at a fixed rate.

To the reason the state is spending so much money is to save money.

Why can't you people understand these fundamental concepts?

Let's review: when the weather is hot, and power is short, and nobody conserves, taxpayers get screwed.

When the weather is cool, and power is plentiful and everybody conserves -- tax payers get screwed.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CINCINNATI
Moved: 7/19/2001 7:45
CBS-CINCINNATI 7/19/2001

Be careful what you wish for. This is DR...

It was three months ago that Cincinnati erupted in riots over the police shooting of 19 year old Timothy Thomas. Thomas was unarmed and black, the cop who shot him was white.

There were accusations that the cops were profiling black males, there were civil rights protests, and some of the protests degenerated into looting. 

But the looting wasn't just about getting free stuff, we were told at the time, it also reflected a deep mistrust of law enforcement. It wasn't just about getting a free TV, it was a way to poke a stick in the eye of the oppressor; motivated by RAGE as much as greed.

Well, the cops got the message.

They pulled back on the traffic stops and the kind of pro-active patrolling that leads to charges of profiling. The number of arrests dropped 55%.

And the result? Well, let's compare.

According to the New York Times, from April to June of last year, there were 9 shootings with 11 victims. THIS year, since the April protests, in the same three-month period, there have been 59 shootings with 77 victims; in every case but one, the suspect and the victim were black.

Black community leaders have now organized their OWN nighttime street patrols, and accuse the police of dereliction of duty. Said Rev Damon Lynch -- "the anger is festering again."

Only this time, the anger isn't about the police doing too much, but too little.

Maybe the jump in crime is just a one-time post-riot symptom. I hope so. Because what if -- after all this hand-wringing about police profiling -- we discover ... that it works?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS STEMCELL3
Moved: 7/18/2001 7:53
CBS-STEMCELL3 7/18/2001

Cells as "Potential Life." This is DR...

The main argument against stem cell research seems to boil down to this one - made at a Congressional hearing this week by John Borden, who held up the nine-month old sons he adopted as embryos.

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS 86 STEM CELLS
Time: 11s
Out-cue: TO TAKE]

I heard that and said to myself -- what kind of monster legislation are they considering in Congress that would permit the harvesting of adopted babies? I scoured the Washington Post -- it was nowhere to be found. What I DID find ... was that under the research guidelines, government scientists would only have access to embryonic cells after the couples that produced them had decided not to use them and not to donate them to John or anybody else.

And yet all the e-mails I get on this subject condemn the idea as snuffing out a POTENTIAL LIFE. An embryo may look like a blob of cells, people tell me, but this is no different than China harvesting organs from executed prisoners.

One writer told me that one of those 'blobs of cells' could be the one who grows up to cure Parkinson's without using embryos. It's all Potential Life. 

And he's right, of course ...

But if that's the case, we have to take the process back even farther, don't we? Because any time two fertile adults decide NOT to have sex, for whatever reason; they STOP a potential life. Celibacy and virginity should therefore be illegal, and from the onset of puberty, sex should be mandatory.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FBI
Moved: 7/18/2001 7:53
CBS-FBI 7/18/2001

Suddenly the FBI can't do anything right. This is DR...

It's the subject of four separate investigations, it was embarrassed by the Robert Hansen spy case, it was embarrassed by the missing McVeigh documents -- and NOW, the agency is in trouble because of a new report showing it can't keep track of its guns and computers.

The report says that 449 guns and more than 180 computers are missing from F-B-I offices.

The weapons include submachine guns and one of the missing guns actually ended up linked to a homicide.

And lawmakers are outraged. Senator Charles Grassley ESPECIALLY, who has long been a critic of mismanagement in the FBI. This he says further demonstrates the need for fundamental reform.

The FBI itself has ordered each of its 56 field offices to conduct a thorough inventory of ANY equipment worth $500 or more and have the report ready by the end of September, or lose its funding. SO this is pretty serious.

And it SHOULD be -- because we all know, in our hearts, that it's a very bad thing for the FBI or any federal agency to lose 449 firearms. Especially given that many of these weapons were stolen from agents cars or homes -- of all people, FBI agents ought to be able to secure their weapons better than that.

But ladies and gentlemen -- there's something like 200 million firearms in America. And almost half a million of them are stolen EACH year.

That would make the FBI responsible for eight hundredths of one percent of the stolen gun problem in America.

But they won't have much time to track down the other 99.99%, because they'll be in the office making lists of the furniture.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CHINA RUSSIA
Moved: 7/17/2001 7:43
CBS-CHINA RUSSIA 7/17/2001

Oh Vladimir, you said you'd be true. This is DR...

America's high level love affair with the President of Russia has proven to be all too brief. Remember how President Bush looked deep into Vladimir Putin's eyes and saw his soul and said he could trust this man? Well, this trustworthy soul just signed a friendship and cooperation agreement with China!

I mean, if he'd signed it with Finland, or Latvia, that would be one thing. But CHINA!

And look at the pictures! The leaders of Russia and China embracing each other! They did everything but kiss on the lips. You know what this means -- the United States is now embroiled in a diplomatic love triangle. 

Not only does this agreement run for 20 years, but it has both Russia and China opposing the US plan to build an anti-missile system, and puts Russia on China's side in claiming Taiwan!

It also says NATO has no business bombing places like Kosovo to protect civilians, and says the two countries will help each other in the event of aggression by a third party. now I wonder what THAT means.

Hmmm - I think it means they don't think we should be the only superpower.

Well, I'm sure it'll be all right -- the Bush Administration says the treaty had been in the works for some time, and is no surprise. Plus President Bush is scheduled to meet Putin again at a summit meeting in Italy this week. Maybe if he looks even deeper into Putin's eyes the hypnosis will work this time.

But that's the age-old problem with being in a position of power.

It's easy to be number one. The difficult part is finding people who are willing to be number two.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CHENEY
Moved: 7/17/2001 7:43
CBS-CHENEY 7/17/2001

Energy crisis -- solved! This is DR...

Well, it turns out you and I are not the only Americans a little concerned at the jump in our electric bills. According to the New York Times, the vice president got a little sticker shock as well.

Thanks to rising electricity rates, the bill for Vice President Cheney's 33-room mansion is running at about 186,000 dollars a year. Even though he's using less actual electricity than Al Gore did. 

And there is so little money in the budget for the vice president's office that if the rates were to spike again, the only way to pay the bill would be to ask for an emergency appropriation from Congress. Or to make him unplug the air conditioner, which in Washington DC would be cruel and unusual.

So the vice president is supporting a measure which would solve the problem by sending his entire electric bill to his landlord, the Navy, which owns the mansion.

The Democrats, of course, immediately screamed hypocrisy, hoping to arouse a little resentment among those of us in the seething rabble outside the beltway.

But frankly, we look toward the Vice President with nothing but admiration. 

Because this looks like a pretty good idea to us. I think I speak for every American when I say, we think the vice president is the one member of the administration who really understands how to solve this energy crisis.

We applaud this pilot program to test the concept, which we know will soon be enshrined in the "Omnibus Power Bill Payment Act of 2001" which will allow ALL of us to send our bills to the Navy. Which will both end the power crisis, AND increase popular support for the military.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MISSILE TEST
Moved: 7/16/2001 8:04
CBS-MISSILE TEST 7/16/2001

The Pentagon hits a bullet with a bullet. This is DR...

The latest test of the anti-missile system was a big success.

A modified Minuteman ICBM with a dummy warhead was launched from Vandenberg AFB in California as a target, and 20 minutes later, from the Marshall Islands 4800 miles away, the kill vehicle blasted off, separated from its booster, avoided a decoy balloon, and scored a direct hit 140 miles above the Pacific.

We can now consider ourselves safe from any rogue nation that tries to attack us with a missile and a balloon. For an attack like that, we Americans won't have to so much as stand in a door jamb. Now: if they attack with TWO missiles and a DOZEN balloons, we could be in trouble, but most rogue nations are too stupid to think of that, and by the time they do, we'll have an even BETTER missile.

Yes, the test was expensive -- $100 million -- but if you feel safer, it's worth it. The question is ... DO you FEEL SAFER?

I was surprised to read over the weekend that according to the polls, many Americans believe that our cities are ALREADY protected by a missile defense system. THESE Americans already FELT safe. THEY look at this test and say -- one missile? We're protected from just ONE MISSILE??

I say to the Pentagon -- if the idea is to give Americans peace of mind, for 100 million dollars you could just saturate the airwaves with ads convincing us that we're already protected -- by a super secret system that will stop not just one missile, but dozens. Hundreds. Anything they throw at us. Missiles! Balloons! Asteroids! Comets! 

THAT would give us peace of mind! The tests are just scaring us.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS STRIKE ZONE
Moved: 7/16/2001 8:04
CBS-STRIKE ZONE 7/16/2001

You're out because you're out. This is DR...

Major League umpires -- as if they weren't under enough pressure -- are now being told by Major League Baseball to call more strikes. One umpire, who spoke on the New York Times on condition his name not be used, said umpires received a memo saying their postseason assignments would be based on their strike zones in the second half of the season.

As baseball officials see it, pitchers are having to throw too many pitches -- about 285 per game -- and the games are going on too long. SO they want more strikes! 

But according to the Umpire's union, this is like telling umpires to LIE. To look at a ball and call it a strike. SO they've filed a grievance, claiming the use of pitch counts to judge performance violates their contract.

And yet -- we all know in our hearts that the umpires have gone soft -- kind of like American society. They let batters get away with anything. Look at the scores in some of these games! The way the rules are now, a batter can stand there, just LOOK at the ball, and get on base. That's not American.

Umpires are just going to have to do what some police departments do -- start profiling. They know who the crummy batters are; they don't have to wait for them to swing. There are some guys who get to the plate and have "strike out" written all over them. A guy like that should be called out the moment he steps in the batters box. "I've seen your record, kid, you're OUTTA THERE!"

Teams like Tampa Bay would start the inning with two outs before they even took a pitch. Games'll be over in 45 minutes.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS OAKLEY DEADBEAT
Moved: 7/13/2001 7:48
CBS-OAKLEY-DEADBEAT

The right to reproduce. This is DR...

The Wisconsin Supreme Court has ruled -- 4-3 -- that David Oakley cannot claim a right to reproduce.

Oakley has nine children by four different women, and is behind $25,000 on his child support. Because of that, under Wisconsin's deadbeat parents laws, he faces six years in prison.

The lower court, however, noted that if he went to prison, he'd have no chance of ever raising that kind of money, so the judge granted Oakley probation - ON THE CONDITION that he not father any more children.

-- Should a woman give birth to another one of his children, he'd go straight to jail.

Oakley sued, claiming that violated his right to reproduce -- and the ACLU agreed, saying the condition essentially established a MEANS test for having children.

But wait a minute. First of all, just looking at the arithmetic, David Oakley has already enjoyed a right to reproduce -- he's got NINE children. He's had FAR more influence on the gene pool than most of us ever will!

The other point is that he was facing imprisonment for SIX YEARS. Now, I don't think the State of Wisconsin allows unmarried prisoners conjugal visits, which means that he was going to have his reproductive rights cut off ANYWAY. So the question here is not about losing his reproductive rights  it's about wether he loses them while sitting in prison, or loses them while enjoying his freedom.

Plus, all men know that in real life, the right to reproduce is being limited all the time. Typically by a woman who looks you in the eye and says "In your dreams, Mister."

It's just that David Oakley apparently hasn't met many women like that.

Now this... 
Index 

CBS CAMPAIGN FINANCE
Moved: 7/13/2001 7:47
CBS-CAMPAIGN FINANCE

Dead again. This is DR...

For a moment there, Congress's worst fears almost came true. It looked like a real campaign reform bill would ACTUALLY pass.

-- The house was poised to debate the bill pushed so vigorously by John McCain to limit the soft money that parties use for those entertaining attack ads. McCain's big mistake here was that his bill would actually have DONE something.

A lot of critics accuse Congress of being against campaign reform legislation. But that is NOT true. Congress is only against campaign reform legislation that would actually reform campaigns. Anything else, they'd be HAPPY to pass.

John McCain broke the main rule on campaign reform, which is, you only propose an effective reform bill if you are absolutely sure no one will vote for it.

And yet here's the irony -- ultimately, he's the one who killed it Thursday.

What happened is that the Republican leadership -- which has the power to set the rules for debate -- set rules on the campaign bill which supporters said would kill it: by requiring separate votes on 14 amendments.

Rather than see the bill nibbled to death by its opponents, supporters of the bill voted to reject the leadership's debate rules.

Of course that also had the effect of killing the bill.

And so it is the best of all possible worlds! An effective campaign reform bill with a real chance of passage has been killed not by its opponents, but by its supporters.

Which means those who wanted it dead all along can say "don't blame us;" those who wanted it passed can say "we gave it our best shot", and the money continues to flow as before. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DRUG
Moved: 7/13/2001 7:47
CBS-DRUG 7/12/2001

Cheap drugs on the way! This is DR....

The House of Representatives, looking to cut drug costs, have voted to make it legal for Americans to buy prescription drugs from abroad by mail order.

As everyone knows, the way the prescription drug industry works is that American companies invent miracle drugs, the American government grants them patent protection, then the companies send their miracle drugs to other countries where socialistic governments impose godless price controls to insure that THEIR citizens pay 70% less than Americans do.

But under the bill passed in the House, Americans would be able to order American drugs from foreign countries, so that they can at last get the same deal on American-made drugs that non-Americans get -- plus postage.

The drug industry promises to fight this in the Senate because they're concerned Americans will bring into the country medicines that may not be as safe or effective as they appear to be.

Now -- don't tell anyone, but if the drug companies could figure out a way to sell these miracle drugs for the same low everyday price HERE as they're sold for in other countries, no one would even WANT to send away for them.

But as it is, senior citizens are still hopping busses to Canada.

Instead of the seniors hopping the busses, I still think the best idea is to load all the pills on the busses. You drive them across the border -- just long enough for the price controls to take effect and drop the price 70%, then turn the busses around, let the seniors buy them at the corner pharmacy.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS OLYMPICS
Moved: 7/13/2001 7:47
CBS-OLYMPICS 7/13/2001

It's China. This is DR...

The International Olympic Committee has awarded the 2008 Olympic Summer games to the city of Beijing.

The debate wasn't always cordial. After an official of the Paris bid committee criticized Beijing's air pollution, a Chinese official said well, what about all the dog poop in Paris - which you certainly don't have in China? Prompting the Paris official to respond, well, we certainly know why THAT is, don't we.

SO it was ugly for a time.

Some people are still worried this will reward China's repressive communist leaders at the very time the world should be sending a strong message on human rights.

But supporters of the bid -- like Taiwan, for example -- point out this should diminish the threat of war.

Will the Olympics give the Communists a new respectability, or undermine them? I don't know. 

Frankly, I think our chance of influencing China one way or the other are limited.

Let's remember that this is a country of 1.3 BILLION people. About the only way we can undermine their influence is to start reproducing -- right now.

As for the hope that the more they see the Western standard of living, the more they'll want the democracy that comes with it -- I'm not sure if that will work either. When you talk about our Western living standards -- our trendy clothes, our cool athletic shoes -- the Chinese MAKE half that stuff. They know all about it.

I agree with the leaders of Taiwan -- I think now that China has the games its leaders will do anything to prevent a Western Boycott.

Which means that for the next seven years we can send up all the spy planes we want. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SALVATION ARMY
Moved: 7/12/2001 8:05
SALVATION ARMY 7/10/2001

A secret deal? This is DR...

President Bush's idea for faith based social services is in trouble. It badly needs the support of religious organizations.

And now information has surfaced about a secret deal.

The Washington Post cites a 79-page internal Salvation Army document which mentions a "firm commitment" from the White House for a deal which goes like this: The Salvation Army would lobby hard for his faith-based program, and in return, the administration would quietly change an obscure rule so that religious organizations would be exempt from state and local laws that ban discrimination against gay people.

The Salvation Army is happy to serve CLIENTS without regard to who they sleep with, but it's worried that 12 states have laws that would force them to HIRE EMPLOYEES without regard to who they sleep with. That, the document says, would chew away at our theological fabric.

The Bush Administration says no matter what the internal document says, there's no such deal. You know how it is with these internal documents. Once they become EXTERNAL documents, they lose all meaning.

But the most interesting part of THIS internal document has nothing to do with discrimination. It's this line referring to the deal, which says there must be an effort to (QUOTE) "minimize the possibility of any 'leak' to the media."

If the Salvation Army doesn't want to hire gay people, fine. I thought Christianity was about welcoming people in, not kicking them out -- but that's their business.

HOWEVER - why seek to cover that up.

Aren't religious organizations supposed to be all about truth?

Now this... 
Index 

CBS CONDIT
Moved: 7/12/2001 8:05
CBS-CONDIT 7/10/2001

He wants privacy. This is DR...

Congressman Gary Condit probably had nothing to do with the disappearance of Chandra Levy. The police say he is not a suspect. It appears that all he did was let her stay in his apartment and have an affair with her.

And so he wants the press to stop stalking him.

But who let the dogs out here? 

Gary Condit violated the number one principal of damage control: Get the bad news out fast.

There is nothing a reporter likes better than the thrill of the hunt. Sure its sleazy, but it's a fact. So if you want to stop the chase, quit running.

And if you're a politician denying an affair, there had better not be an affair.

But in Condit's case, a stewardess stepped up to say Condit's people wanted her to sign a false affidavit about -- what? An affair. And then Chandra Levy's aunt stepped forward to say that the two were having what? An affair. 

Where have we heard this before? And it wasn't that long ago. Those do not learn from history are doomed etc etc....

He also violated another rule for people with something to hide. Don't make your aides lie for you. When you make fools of your friends, you lose their loyalty at the very moment you need it most.

But his BIG problem is that he doesn't just have a wronged woman on his hands. The streets of DC are teeming with wronged women.

Chandra Levy is a missing woman. Who was having an affair with a man who was worried enough to lie about it even though affairs happen all the time.

Privacy is no longer an option.

In the meantime -- a message to lonely politicians. Get a hobby.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS SEATTLE ALL STAR
Moved: 7/12/2001 8:05
CBS-SEATTLE ALL STAR 

No tear gas. This is DR...

Not only was the All Star Game proof of the continuing superiority of the American league, but it proved something else. That Seattle can hold a major event without tear gas.

Here you had the rich and famous -- like Survivor winner Tina Wesson -- 

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>ALLSTAR-CELEBS-b
Time: 2s
Title: Wesson-loves Seattle
Out-cue: gorgeous.]

--Rubbing elbows with the not so rich and the not so famous:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>all-star so cool! (2)
Time: 2s
Out-cue: ]

You had Bud Selig, commissioner of baseball, moving about freeley, unmolested by demonstrators.

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>all-star train horn
Time: 9s
Out-cue: ]

The (*) passing freight trains were allowed to sound their horns, despite the concerns of broadcasters they might drown out the interviews. In fact, it was the freight trains that were drowned out!

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>all-star ichiro intro
Time: 11s
Out-cue: ]

But the highlight of the week for me was the reception for my little Ichicro song:

[Cart No: <2 Archive Carts>Ichiro Opera
Time: 74s
Title: Dave Ross Sings "Ichiro"
Out-cue: ]

Japanese TV wanted me to sing it for them, and even brought Tim Wiles of the Baseball Hall of Fame to the broadcast booth:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>ALL-STAR-ROSS CUT 2
Time: 10s
Title: Tim Wiles
In-cue: I'd Like To Ask You
Out-cue: 100 YEARS FROM NOW]

Cal Ripken, move over -- Now this!

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS STEM CELL
Moved: 7/12/2001 8:05
STEMCEL2.CBS 07/10/01 1:55 PMDLR 2:15 

The latest moral dilemma: This is DR...

Scientists at a Virginia fertility clinics have now created created human embryonic cells from donated eggs and sperm for the express purpose of harvesting stem cells.

-- Thereby ratcheting up the debate on whether this is the moral thing to do or not.

And we hear from the researchers, the ethicists, religious authorities, and the politicians.

And STILL -- nobody has polled the people this actually effects.

This whole issue should be put on trial, in an actual courtroom, before a jury of people suffering with diabetes, or Parkinson's, or brain stem injuries, or one of the other conditions where stem CELLS show promise.

Let lawyers for all side present their best arguments, and let the patients render their verdict.

It may well be that they consider this cluster of embryonic cells to be inviolable, and that all research on them should be stopped.

And If it turns out that the people who would get the cure don't WANT the cure, because the whole idea is repugnant to them, the scientists will realize they're wasting their time, and the companies investing in this research would realize that no one was going to buy their drugs.

But it may well be that the people who suffer from these illnesses think they deserve a chance to live a normal life.

They may not be quite as ready as some of the ethicists to equate their lives with a cluster of undifferentiated cells.

They may look at a Respect Life bumper sticker and think that it refers to them.

In any case -- why not ... find out?

Now this. 

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS MARRIAGE
Moved: 7/12/2001 8:04
CBS-MARRIAGE 7/12/2001

Defining marriage. This is DR...

A coalition of religious leaders and experts on family policy plan to push for an Amendment to the US Constitution that defines marriage.

It's called The Federal Marriage Amendment, and it reads as follows:

"Marriage in the United States shall consist only of the union of a man and a woman." 

"Neither this Constitution or the Constitution of any state, nor state or federal law, shall be construed to require that marital status ... be conferred upon unmarried couples or groups."

The Alliance for Marriage, which has proposed the amendment, says the idea here is to challenge the homosexual movement to play fair. If they want the benefits of marriage, they have to convince a majority of people that it's the right thing.

Now that's the part that confuses me. One of the slams on gay people is that they are always sleeping around. I would think that if anything, conservatives would want an amendment FORCING gay people TO get married! I mean it's pretty clear you can't force them not to be gay, so wouldn't you at least want them to be gay with just one person?

Of course, that idea hasn't worked so well with heterosexual marriage either.

True, applying the word MARRIAGE to two women or two men seems absurd. And yet, there are heterosexual couples where the word MARRIAGE also seems absurd.

As a matter of fact, the amendment itself neatly summarizes the problem: "Marriage in the United States shall consist only of the union of a man and a woman." 

In other words, "We don't care who you marry, or how long it lasts, just as long as the sexes are opposite."

I'd say that about nails it.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CONDIT
Moved: 7/12/2001 8:04
CBS-CONDIT 7/12/2001

And now -- a third affair! This is DR...

The Washington Post is reporting that Congressman Gary Condit had yet ANOTHER affair with a much younger woman -- an affair seven years ago with the 18 year old daughter of a Pentacostal minister.

She joins the flight attendant, who went public with HER year long affair with Condit, and of course Chandra Levy, who has been missing since April.

The Post is taking flak for revealing this latest nugget. A spokeswoman for the congressman accused The Post of joining "the ranks of tabloids."

Condit's attorney, Abbe D. Lowell, said, "This is beneath the dignity of The Washington Post."

But the report comes from the girl's father -- who has been interviewed by the FBI, and who talked to the Post directly. He says he encouraged his daughter to talk to the FBI herself -- but she's afraid, and has gone into hiding. His daughter, he says, was warned by the Congressman never to talk about the relationship. 

So does this tell us anything? I don't know who to believe anymore.

You have reporters trying to figure out whether this is a story they ought to be covering -- even as they vigorously cover it.

You have police saying Gary Condit absolutely isn't considered a suspect, even as they search his apartment with equipment designed to detect traces of blood.

You have Condit's staff saying this is nobody's business even as they wonder who it is they linked their careers to.

And you have these young star-struck women -- telling themselves "He really loves me" even as they're sneaking around to make sure no one finds out.

The Truth can be so elusive when no one's telling it.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS AIR RAGE
Moved: 7/9/2001 12:52
CBS-AIR RAGE 7/6/2001

Flying into a rage. This is DR....

Last week the flight attendants held their news conference to tell horror stories about out of control passengers. It's so bad that some airlines now train flight attendants in the use of flex cuffs TO RETSRAIN THEM.

Anyone remember when getting on a plane was a special? You'd board a big roomy 747, they'd give you little slippers? People dressed up to travel?

But we wanted lower fares, so now we all have to fly with the riff-raff.

IS it possible to defuse the air rage and keep the lower fares while at the same time hanging on to the few rights we DO have, such as the right to unlimited amounts of in-flight alcohol.

I think it is.

You see, most people who fly are very well behaved. It's just that some of them are pushed to the breaking point because the planes are uncomfortable, claustrophobic, have lousy food, and miss connections. So I'd tackle that problem first.

I'd tell those people NOT to fly!

If you hate small spaces, have a small bladder, if you are fussy about food, if you can't take the stress of missing a connection, if you have a short temper for any reason -- DON'T FLY! The air transport system was just not designed for you.

Step two: all overhead bins must be removed. If your stuff is SO precious that it HAS to travel IN the cabin, Fed Ex it, so it can travel in a cabin actually designed for baggage.

And finally, the cabin crew. We all appreciate gorgeous, shapely flight attendants -- but EVERY plane should have at least two big, mean-looking ones. 

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS 401K
Moved: 7/9/2001 12:52
401K.CBS 07/09/01 1:47 AMDLR 1:25 

Say there, average American  have you been checking that retirement account?
This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

There it is in the New York times: that for the first time since 401K accounts were established 20 years ago  the average account lost money last year. Almost $5000.

"But Dave, you ask  how can that be? I put money into it every two weeks! And my employer even matches my contribution!"

Yes, but it turns out that the average American put it in stocks, and unfortunately, the average American is a lousy stock picker! "But Dave, you say, how could so much money simply vanish? Aren't these 401K funds run by professionals who know what they're doing?"

Oh they know what they're doing all right  consider: In the old days, if part of your paycheck suddenly vanished, it was called a PAY CUT. Now it's called an EMPLOYEE BENEFIT.

But don't worry  help is on the way  pretty soon we'll have the freedom to let these same professionals invest our social security money! And here's the deal they'll give us  we get the same amount of taxes deducted, except part of the money is now liable to DISAPPEAR! Just like the 401K money's been doing.

By the way  don't worry  the money didn't ACTUALLY disappear... it provided some very nice yachts and Porsches for the smart investors who cashed in their stocks when the market was high. By the way, guess who they sold that stock to! You!

Just remember what the experts say  the KEY is to have an investment strategy. And here it is: Eat properly and exercise. 'Cause if you plan to enjoy your 401K, you need to find ways to NOT GET OLD. 

Now this.

~C:\WORKS\FILES\401K.CBS 
Index 

CBS SAT LIES
Moved: 7/6/2001 7:36
CBS-SAT LIES 7/05/2001

A nation of liars. This is DR...

When summer comes, a disturbing level of prevarication emerges among otherwise respectable people.

Workers of all kinds -- GOOD workers -- play sun hooky and use some lame excuse:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>hooky1
Time: 12s
Title: Mike uses his alarm clock
In-cue: My excuse is 
Out-cue: Reality here]

That was Mike. Now meet Linda -- who works for herself now, but back when she had a boss, she knew exactly how to get a sunny day off:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Hooky2
Time: 23s
Title: Linda on Boils
In-cue: I would tell the boss
Out-cue: Too gross to ask]

But the most pathetic case was Matt Gibson, who was sunning himself when a reporter for the Seattle Times came by saying he was doing a story on phony excuses. Matt explained that HIS stock excuse on a sunny day is that there's a leak in the bathroom.

Then ... he gave the reporter his name! And there he was in the paper, Matt Gibson, age 27, favorite phony excuse, a leak in the bathroom. 

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Hooky4
Time: 6s
Title: Matt in Paper
In-cue: I guess
Out-cue: I'm shot]

Media people, of course, never give phony excuses. They just assign themselves to do stories about people who do -- yeah! I'll be interviewing people at the beach... probably take all day!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BRIAN DALTON
Moved: 7/6/2001 7:35
CBS-BRIAN DALTON 7/5/2001

Jailed for his thoughts. This is Dave Ross...

Brian Dalton has been jailed for his thoughts -- as required by Ohio law. Mr Dalton was already on probation for a 1998 conviction on a charge of pandering -- caught with kiddie porn. Bad thing.

But what got him ten years wasn't the porn. It was his personal journal.

Under the terms of his probation, the police can search his home at will -- and when they did, they found a journal. And in that journal, a 14-page fantasy about sexually molesting children. It described 10 and 11 year children confined to a cage -- pretty disgusting stuff. 

Upon investigation the prosecution determined it was not a record of anything that actually happened -- it was a story.

No matter. Under Ohio law, the mere CREATION of obscene material is against the law.

The passage was read to a grand jury, they were suitably shocked, they indicted him, and he decided to pleaded guilty and go to jail for ten more years. In exchange, prosecutors dropped a second pandering charge that could have earned him six more.

ACLU attorney Benson Wohlman in Columbus, Ohio opposed this law when it was first proposed -- and I asked him how far he thought it could go:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Dalton1
Time: 17s
Title: Benson Wohlman
In-cue: Suppose
Out-cue: In Ohio anyway]

Leaving us to wonder -- which is more frightening -- the words that Brian Dalton wrote -- or the fact that he was imprisoned for writing them.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CONDIT
Moved: 7/6/2001 7:35
CBS-CONDIT 7/6/2001

The aunt speaks. This is DR...

California Congressman Gary Condit still denies a romantic relationship with Chandra Levy -- the government intern who was last seen April 30th. And he has scolded reporters for trying to sensationalize what was, if anything, merely a friendship.

But the story now appears to have the equivalent of the Linda Tripp tapes: Chandra Levy's aunt has spoken to the Washington Post -- and she says it was more than just a friendship.

Linda Zamsky -- the aunt -- described her niece as smitten by an older man; a man who gave her a gold bracelet, Godiva chocolates, and had her over to his apartment for the weekend. Her niece told her they would get off the elevator at different floors to avoid suspicion; how if anybody wondered who she was she would say she was visiting a sick friend. And how, when they went out together, she would hail the cab alone, and then, when it arrived, he would sprint from the building in jeans and a baseball cap and hop in. 

The aunt, of course, never saw them alone, and so these things could be nothing more than innocent manifestations of a casual friendship. Congressman Condit says his focus is finding Chandra Levy, and the attempt to expose highly personal family matters is nothing but a misguided media frenzy.

Yes, indeed. But you have a press corps that covered Bill Clinton, and duly reported all his denials, and ended up feeling like suckers for it. PLUS, this isn't just an angry woman who cried into a Radio Shack tape recorder. This is a woman who disappeared -- all of which guarantees that the story won't.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS LONG DISTANCE 7/05/20
Moved: 7/5/2001 7:41
CBS-LONG DISTANCE 7/05/2001

Long distance companies will actually have to tell us what they're charging? This DR... 

A new federal law kicks in August 1st which requires long distance companies to actually TELL their customers what their long distance rates are.

Can you believe this is actually happening? We're not worthy!

A few weeks ago I got a call begging me to switch long distance companies -- nothing unusual about that; I get one every day -- but this guy woke me from a nap, I was still a little groggy, and for some reason I said "yes." He was so friendly and he seemed to know so much about me -- what I was paying for long distance, the fact that we make international calls -- I should have sued for invasion of privacy, come to think of it -- instead I let him switch my phone service. Plus he promised me there were absolutely NO hidden charges, and he offered double miles, or something. Who knows. I was half asleep.

Anyway, the next day, our OLD long distance carrier calls up, and this time they get my WIFE, and they give HER a story about how some moron tried to switch her long distance service the day before -- which would be a big mistake because there would be all sorts of hidden charges. 

Well, SHE goes ahead and tells him to switch it BACK.

The bottom line is we have phone cards and pin codes from BOTH companies now, and I have no clue what I'm getting charged.

Plus it turns out the miles are for an airline I don't even use.

You would think a civilization that can display the name and number of an incoming call could come up with a display that actually shows you what you're paying when you dial out -- but I guess that will take ANOTHER federal law, won't it?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ALL STAR 7/5/2001
Moved: 7/5/2001 7:41
CBS-ALL STAR 7/5/2001

Snubbed in Seattle. This is DR...

Here in Seattle we can't believe it. It's almost as distressing as the Mariners actually losing a game -- the news that Joe Torre, would pick seven Yankees for the All-Star team.

Seven Yankees -- in a year when the Seattle Mariners dominate the league -- it's like a punch in the stomach. We can't eat, we can't sleep, our cars won't start, our options won't vest -- Everyone here is ready to set fire to a dumpster, we're so upset!

This is worse than when Chocolat was passed over for Best Picture. Listen to this guy.

[Cart No: <7 Sport>559 torre
Time: 2s
Out-cue: ]

It's that New York arrogance! Wait -- let me just check the list of teams who have OVER SIXTY WINS -- ah! Here it is! Look at this! The Yankees don't appear to be on it!

Which is why we hate the Yankees even more than we hated them before, and we REALLY hated them before.

Jeff Nelson! Passed over when he had a great season as a Yankee pitcher, and now passed over again when he's having a great season as a Mariner pitcher -- he can't understand it! And Arthur Rhodes -- another snubbed Mariner reliever -- who never has a bad word to say about anyone -- was forced to use a rare expletive to suggest what the Yankees could do to themselves in their free time.

It just shows that even when you're rich, famous, and making your living playing a kid's game, you can still get mud in your spikes.

Ah well, so what. Yankees better enjoy it while they can. Mariner fans are already making plans to get even; making plans for when Lou Piniella gets the manager's job after winning the World Series.

The only Yankee on next year's All-Star squad will be the reserve ball-girl.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS FACEIT
Moved: 7/3/2001 10:19
CBS-FACEIT 7/3/2001

The better to see you with. This is DR....

Surveillance cameras are everywhere -- and you may wonder -- who has the time to watch all that surveillance video? Well, nobody! Which is why the job is being turned over to computers.

The Rhode Island State Police, the City of Birmingham, and now the City of Tampa have all started using a computer system which can automatically match faces against a database of criminal mug shots -- similar to the one used to check for terrorists at the Super Bowl.

Tampa has 36 cameras in its downtown nightclub district scanning faces for known troublemakers.

And that's brought about one of those rare agreements between House Republican Leader Dick Armey, and the American Civil Liberties union -- who say Tampa's system smacks of Big Brotherism.

The police point out that there ARE warning signs, and that if there's no match, your image is discarded.

But Congressman Armey worries about a society where you can't even walk down the street without being tracked.

And He has a point doesn't he? First those photo radar cameras which snap the license plates of speeders, then the red light cameras which snap the license plates of red-light runners, and now cameras that snap your picture just for walking.

But in our hearts, we all know the real reason we're squeamish about this: It's because we've all ignored red lights, we're all guilty of speeding -- and in the case of Tampa's night club district, I imagine that a lot of people are down there with persons other than their legal spouses after explaining they'd be working late.

Well, don't worry. The cameras aren't looking for you. Yet.

Now this...

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS RENTAL CAR
Moved: 7/3/2001 10:19
CBS-RENTAL CAR 7/3/201

The time is coming when we won't be able to get away with anything! This is DR...

The state of Connecticut has now filed a complaint against Acme Rent-A-Car of New Haven for being too strict about its speeding policy.

Acme's rental car agreement, you see, says that customers will be charged $150 every time they drive over the speed limit. What the company did not make clear was that they REALLY meant it. They have global positioning computers in the cars.

And so it was that one James Turner returned from a seven state mini-van trip to find himself with $450 worth of speeding penalties on his charge bill, after his car detected him speeding three times.

He was livid. The thought of the company tracking him made him feel queasy, he said; like his privacy was invaded. He wants Acme to drop its policy and refund all the speeding fines, and the State Attorney General says he has a point: the rental agreement should disclose clearly that Acme vehicles have a built in speed detector.

So in other words what they're saying is, it's OK to have a speeding policy, but it's unfair to enforce it UNLESS YOU WARN US.

Well if that's how the Attorney General feels, shouldn't he make the cops put up signs saying SPEED TRAP AHEAD? Otherwise it's not full disclosure! "I knew what the speed limit was, officer, but I didn't think you'd actually be ENFORCING it!"

I understand Mr. Turner might feel queasy about his speed being monitored, but then there are others of us who feel queasy when we see someone rocket past us at 97 miles an hour.

It would actually be somewhat comforting to know that they were at least having their credit cards drained.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ALL STAR
Moved: 7/2/2001 7:46
CBS-ALL STAR 6/26/2001

The fix was in. This is DR...

The voting is finally over for the All Star game -- and a curious thing has happened on the American League side.

First base, John Olerud of the Mariners. Second base: Brett Boone of the Mariners. Third base: David Bell of the Mariners.

DH: Edgar Martinez, Seattle Mariners. 
Outfield -- top vote-getter: Ichiro Suzuki, Mariners.

Even at shortstop there's Alex Rodriguez, who plays for Texas, but who probably wishes he was still a Mariner. 

The only diversity is at Catcher: where the top vote-getter is Pudge Rodriguez who has no known association with the Mariners.

In the words of Seattle sports writer David Andriesen -- instead of getting a day off on July 10th, it turns out the Mariners have a home exhibition game against the National League All-Stars.

But no one should be surprised, because the All-Star voting process would shock even a Supreme Court justice.

It's bad enough hand out boxes of ballots at the stadiums, but this year there was also Internet voting.

Internet voting that was strictly limited to 25 votes per person: to comply, I suppose with the Supreme Court's long-established one-man 25-vote rule.

And that's 25 votes PER E-MAIL ADDRESS!

Well, here in wired Seattle, we each have at least ten e-mail addresses. So we all voted 250 times.

And then there's Japan -- where thanks to Ichiro the Seattle Mariners have a bigger audience than they have in America. And THEY can all vote on the Internet too.

So enjoy the game America. And don't be sore. WE'RE the one's complaining -- this means we have to spend $600 a ticket to see our own team play.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ALL STAR MON
Moved: 7/2/2001 7:45
CBS-ALL STAR 6/26/2001

The fix was in. This is DR...

The voting is finally over for the All Star game -- and a curious thing has happened on the American League side.

First base, John Olerud of the Mariners. Second base: Brett Boone of the Mariners. Third base: David Bell of the Mariners.

DH: Edgar Martinez, Seattle Mariners. 
Outfield -- top vote-getter: Ichiro Suzuki, Mariners.

Even at shortstop there's Alex Rodriguez, who plays for Texas, but who probably wishes he was still a Mariner. 

The only diversity is at Catcher: where the top vote-getter is Pudge Rodriguez who has no known association with the Mariners.

In the words of Seattle sports writer David Andriesen -- instead of getting a day off on July 10th, it turns out the Mariners have a home exhibition game against the National League All-Stars.

But no one should be surprised, because the All-Star voting process would shock even a Supreme Court justice.

It's bad enough hand out boxes of ballots at the stadiums, but this year there was also Internet voting.

Internet voting that was strictly limited to 25 votes per person: to comply, I suppose with the Supreme Court's long-established one-man 25-vote rule.

And that's 25 votes PER E-MAIL ADDRESS!

Well, here in wired Seattle, we each have at least ten e-mail addresses. So we all voted 250 times.

And then there's Japan -- where thanks to Ichiro the Seattle Mariners have a bigger audience than they have in America. And THEY can all vote on the Internet too.

So enjoy the game America. And don't be sore. WE'RE the one's complaining -- this means we have to spend $600 a ticket to see our own team play.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CHENEY HEART
Moved: 7/2/2001 7:45
CBS-CHENEY HEART 7/02/2001

The health care system does work. This is DR...

The Vice President has his new super pacemaker, the Medtronic GEM III DR, an amazing device approved only last December by the FDA. It not only monitors his heart rate but automatically delivers him a jolt if something goes wrong. Like having an emergency medical team implanted in his chest.

The doctors installed it Saturday, and he's back a work Monday, meeting with the President, giving interviews, working a normal day.

I think it's remarkable how routine this kind of medical miracle has become. But there's another miracle here as well.

Nowhere in the coverage of this operation is there a mention of any administrative hassle whatsoever! No problem finding a doctor on the insurance company's list, no problem getting an appointment with a top heart specialist -- and even though he recently switched jobs, his HMO didn't hassle him about having the procedure done outside the coverage area. No problem getting the procedure pre-approved; no concerns about definitions, limitations, or exclusions.

But here's the MOST amazing part -- there was no problem getting the operation conveniently scheduled for a Saturday so he wouldn't have to miss any work!

I don't understand why so many people complain about the health care delivery system when we have all just seen with our own eyes how well it works! And even though the vice president has one of those chronic diseases -- I didn't hear ONE lobbyist agonize about the cost, or how it might raise everybody's premiums!

So you don't need a big complicated Patent's Bill of Rights. Just give us all the number of Cheney's HMO.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS MICROSOFT
Moved: 6/29/2001 9:00
CBS-MICROSOFT 6/28/2001

Microsoft unbound. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

An amazing ruling: an appeals court examines Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson's decision to reorganize Microsoft, and concludes it's the judge who needs to be reorganized! He's now off the case, and Republican Congresswoman Jennifer Dunn, who represents Bill Gates district, thinks the Justice Department should drop the whole thing: 

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>MICRO Dunn 3
Time: 6s
Title: Dunn, what should government do now w/ case?
Out-cue: move on."]

But here's the thing about the Microsoft decision. Most of you ... DON'T CARE. All you know is that a few years ago, Microsoft decided to give away its internet browser for nothing, and you had a hard time finding anything wrong with that.

All you really want is for your computer to work. For it to boot up enthusiastically. To smile at you with its icons in neat little rows. To display its answers promptly and cheerfully. To not terrify you with sudden error messages.

And once you and your computer have achieved this bliss; once you have mastered the Alt-key and the right mouse button, you don't want to do anything to disturb that fragile equilibrium. You don't want to upset the machine in ANY way. Which means you don't want to RIP IT'S BRAINS OUT, I'm guessing, even if a federal court says it's good for the economy.

Indeed, if anyone is paying attention to the Microsoft case anymore, it is to marvel at the irony of a government so eager to protect the nation from free software and at the same time so reluctant to protect it from the very expensive electricity required to use it.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS HMOs
Moved: 6/29/2001 8:02
CBS-HMOs 6/28/2001

The designated decision-maker. This is DR....

The MAIN problem behind this whole debate over a patient's bill of rights began when insurance companies tried to limit costs by second-guessing doctors: a doctor would tell a patient "you need this treatment, or you'll die" and the insurance company would say, well, that's fine but we won't pay for it ... because it's experimental." Or some other excuse.

Personally, I think if an insurance company refuses to pay for a lifesaving treatment recommended by one of its own doctors, it should right then and there refund all your premiums, since it clearly wasn't serious about insuring you.

In any case, it's boiled down to who can be sued and for how much. And the Senate came up with a compromise. They decided to take the American League approach. They will allow companies to assign someone as the "designated decision maker" so that person, not the whole company, would be liable for faulty medical decisions. 

That way it's clear UP FRONT who gets sued.

How will they advertise for THAT job -- designated decision-maker wanted, must enjoy being dragged into court and yelled at.

I'm sure sooner or later something will finally be passed, and this will all get settled. But you know the conclusion I draw from this whole debate? Whether we get a patients bill of rights or not, at any sacrifice, each of us should do ALL WE CAN to stay OUT of the health care system. That stuff about not smoking? Believe it. That stuff about saturated fat -- LISTEN to it! Exercise? Do it. Seatbelt? Buckle it. Your hands? WASH THEM. Don't Walk signs? Obey them! A condom? USE IT.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS PUTIN
Moved: 6/29/2001 8:02
CBS-PUTIN 6/29/2001

So much for being a nice guy. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

You remember during President Bush' recent trip to Europe  he looked Soviet President Vladimir Putin in the eye and pronounced him trustworthy?

He got a sense of his "soul"  he found him to be an "honest, straightforward man . . . who loves his family." A remarkable leader.

Yet Vladimir Putin doesn't want his new friend to build that antimissile shield. He thinks it will set off a new arms race. And this week, he demonstrated that Russia might do just that.

On Wednesday, the honest straightforward President Putin test fired an honest straightforward and HUGE Stiletto ballistic missile from Russia's space base at Baikonur in Kazakhstan  just a week after hinting that Russia could stack multiple nuclear warheads on its older missiles if Bush goes ahead with the missile shield.

The Stiletto could be reequipped to carry up to six warheads. Russia also has old SS18 Satan missile, which could carry 1012 warheads.

Basically, he was saying that  even if there is an antimissile system  would still have ways to blow his new soul brother to smithereens.

These missiles are scheduled to be scrapped by treaty  indeed, all multiple warhead rockets were supposed to be scrapped. But if the antimissile shield is built, then that treaty is broken.

You know, we heard what Bush saw when he looked into Putin's eyes, but we never really heard what Putin saw when he looked into Bush's eyes.

A target, apparently.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS JAPANESE
Moved: 6/29/2001 8:02
CBS-JAPANESE 6/29/2001

E-mail to daveross.com. This is Dave Ross...

Here's an e-mail from Ed in Chicago, who says, Dear Dave -- 

Soon after listening to your spot on Wednesday the station ran a commercial for a Muffler company. 

Just before the commercial ended it had about a 10 second piece in Spanish. I am one of those people that feel that even though English is not considered the official language, people relocating here from any foreign place not only have every
opportunity to learn English as a second language but should! Why would the muffler company put a piece of their ad in Spanish when there more than likely would not be anyone that only spoke Spanish listening? Or am I missing something? Why would I the loyal listener be subjected a bilingual commercial?

Thanks,
Ed

An interesting question, Ed, and one I can relate to because here in Seattle, we have a 60second commercial for two very high class restaurants that is entirely in Japanese  

(SPOT)

... Now most people in Seattle do not speak Japanese. This is for the tourists who come here to see Ichiro play with the Mariners.

Anyway Ed, I have a feeling you are going to be hearing more and more commercials like this. And here's how I look at it. Listeners are always complaining about commercials. They consider them obnoxious, silly, sometimes even misleading. But you know why people are so critical of commercials? Because they UNDERSTAND what's being said.

Ed -- what could be more benign than a commercial that you CAN'T understand! No matter how obnoxious it is, YOU WON'T KNOW! For all I can tell this is the Tokyo weather forecast.

Now, in English -- this:

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CELL PHONES
Moved: 6/28/2001 6:17
CBS-CELL PHONES 6/26/2001

You had it coming. This is DR...

New York is about to become the first state to ban cell phones statewide -- legislation propelled by a couple of horrible accidents caused by people who were holding cell phones at the time -- and by a medical study which concluded holding a cell phone while driving was similar to driving drunk.

Since then there has been at least one OTHER study showing that cell phones are way down the list of driver distractions -- behind adjusting the radio, distractions from passengers, a moving object like a toy rolling around in the car, adjusting the air conditioning, and eating.

But that doesn't matter -- because I don't think the main issue here is safety. I mean, I'm sure cell phones cause accidents, this law may well prevent a few of them, but that's not why the cell phone law passed.

I think the cell phone law passed because nobody likes the people who use them.

On the streets -- everyone is talking to invisible friends. In an earlier time that would have been a sign of mental illness. Now people FLAUNT it as a badge of importance.

All of us have had an encounter with a rude cell phone user. These people are always beeping from some part of their bodies. They emit classical melodies, pop tunes, glissandos. And it doesn't matter where the thing goes off -- at a concert, in church, during sex -- they ANSWER! 

The issue isn't that cell phones are dangerous; it's that they're OBNOXIOUS.

And society wants revenge. So in New York it'll be a hundred dollars -- unless you're calling 911. By the way, I predict it will turn out that amazing numbers of people were calling 911.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS NCAA
Moved: 6/28/2001 6:17
CBS-NCAA 6/26/2001

Uh oh -- somebody thinks college sports should actually be college sports. This is DR...

For the last ten years, an independent group of business, education, and sports leaders called the Knight Commission has met to find solutions to the scandals in college sports. 

Their first report prompted the NCAA to crack down on runaway athletic programs run by powerful coaches and athletic directors. Recruiting practices were changed; college presidents were put in charge.

And yet -- college athletics today is still about as amateur as the Olympics.

So the Knight Commission has met again, and has issued another report -- a report which recommends that college teams with graduation rates of less than 50 percent be barred from conference championships or post season play.

Uh oh. 

They want to require that college players actually be college students? The problem there is that the average graduation rate among Division I football programs is 48 percent. In the past, some championship teams have had graduation rates below 20%.

The thing is, for some reason, even people who don't attend lectures can be great athletes.

Not only that, they want to prohibit corporate logos on athlete uniforms, and prohibit legal gambling on college sports. You ever wonder why ratings for college sports broadcasts are so high? DO you really think those schools have THAT many alumni? No! It's because people have money riding on the games! About 2.5 billion wagered in Nevada alone.

What the Knight commission has done is recommend that college sports be once again treated like college sports. I'm not betting on it.

Now this.

This is DR ... 
Index 

CBS SWEEPSTAKES
Moved: 6/27/2001 7:41
CBS-SWEEPSTAKES 6/27/2001

It's hardly worth going to the mailbox anymore. This is DR...

Publishers Clearing House will no longer send out personalized sweepstakes letters. Under a court settlement, it has agreed to stop making false, deceptive, or misleading statements in its mailings.

I still remember the day I received that bright yellow envelope from the "Department of Security Correspondence." Across the top it said "Security Sealed", and below that, a blue sticker with big black letters "Level 3 Security -- Lift this seal for a special message." And under the seal, (quote) "Due to the important nature of the enclosed portfolio, we have activated Level 3 Priority Express Security precautions."

This was no jury summons. Either I was being tapped to join the CIA, or I was rich.

I opened the envelope. I saw the magazine stamps, but they were just decoys -- ah -- there it was -- a special camouflaged note -- with a Level 3 security stamp on it... I broke the seal:

"Let me apologize for all this security." It said. "I'm doing this because what I'm about to tell you is in strict confidence. You are scheduled to become the first ever recipient of our Millionaire Plus award if you have and return the winning entry on time."

"IF I have and return the winning entry?" What do they mean IF. You mean I might NOT have the winning entry? No! Then why this "Level 3" security. Surely Level 1 or Level 2 would have been enough.

And yet, for a few brief moments, I had felt special. I had felt CHOSEN. And for that, Publishers Clearing House, I thank you. But I already have enough magazines so please don't call.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS YATES
Moved: 6/27/2001 7:41
CBS-YATES 6/27/2001

Placing blame. This is DR...

Today in Houston, Andrea Yates victims are buried. And the search continues for answers. Although it's clear from my e-mail that only an ignoramus would think to blame Andrea Yates.

When I described her as a "mass murderer" Monday, I started getting e-mails from shocked listeners.

"You don't know squat, dude" said one. "Where are your advanced degrees in
criminology and psychopathology?"

Another listener described Andrea Yates as "a woman who has had her
biochemistry completely screwed up by having a child."

I thought the hormone changes in childbirth were an essential human process.

One MD wrote that to call her a murderer is "a gross simplification and
generalization of a complex problem."

Well, if members of the medical profession truly believe that this act was caused by the hormones released during childbirth, and that murder is basically a symptom, and that this woman is not all that different from the millions who suffer post-partum depression, then all women who give birth should be put in preventive detention and not released until these hormones are safely out of their systems!

But if all that strikes you as ridiculous, then what we are left with is a woman who murdered her children.

I once sat with a group of prisoners, talking about their crimes, when one
took me aside and said "Dave, you and I have the same dark thoughts. The
only difference is that we all acted on ours." 

That is indeed the difference. 

And I'm confident that one day, science will isolate the hormones responsible for that difference. What then? Close all the jails?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS POST PARTUM
Moved: 6/25/2001 9:06
CBS-POST PARTUM 6/25/2001

This is NOT post-partum depression. This is Dave Ross...

I can that we are in the process of re-defining post-partum depression to include drowning your entire family in the bathtub. And I hope we can stop it.

Ever since the case of Andrea Yates broke, we've been told that she suffered severe post-partum depression. That's become the phrase that describes this case. But this is not the way to describe it. It's not post-partum depression.

The phrase to describe drowning your kids in the bathtub is: mass murder.

Post-partum depression is feeling the blues after delivery. Millions of married couples go through it; it's generally handled with flowers from a grateful husband, and help with the baby from parents.

But the way the Yates story is being analyzed, you'd think post-partum depression can cause any woman to be possessed by Satan. Now by all means, if you have it, get help, but pretty soon this will be another one of those stories that scares the hell out of young couples thinking of having children. Like those stories about pre-school waiting lists.

We have no idea what was really going on in the Yates family, what this woman's inner demons were, what to make of the father's news conference, why he would even HOLD a news conference -- but in the meantime, let's remember: post-partum depression is NOT Andrea Yates defining characteristic; her worries that she was a bad mother are not her defining characteristic. 

Her defining characteristic is that, for whatever reason, she drowned her five kids!

I think it's safe to say that goes beyond being ... "a bad mother."

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS LOTTERY
Moved: 6/25/2001 9:05
CBS-LOTTERY 6/25/2001

Run for office. This is DR...

There is a winner in the 141 million dollar California lottery drawing -- one ticket. If the winner takes it as a lump sum -- 70 million.

And whoever you are -- hear my appeal -- don't just spend it on boats and limousines and summer homes. Don't just give it to charity or invest it in the stock market.

Hire a consultant and run for office!

This is the calling of the lottery winner. For lottery winners are not merely millionaires: hey are millionaire who the day before were ordinary, normal middle class people. Normal randomly selected people who suddenly have the money to buy political ads without having to sell out to do it. They need not kow tow to former business partners, investors, unions -- They are truly independent.

I suppose you could question their math skills, having participated in a game with such lousy odds -- but there's no point in getting fussy.

And the timing is perfect -- you ought to be able to get an organization in place and embark on your listening tour in plenty of time for the 2002 elections.

You'll be the only candidate who won't have to spend any time at fundraising dinners -- in fact, you can invite constituents, and feed THEM dinner for FREE.

And during your term of office, when lobbyists drop by you can say things like -- "get out of my office." When they threaten to withdraw their support unless you vote their way, you can say -- "go right ahead."

I don't know if America is ready for politicians with that kind of independence -- but wouldn't it be interesting to find out?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS BARTELLS
Moved: 6/15/2001 10:47
CBS-BARTELLS 6/15/2001

It takes two. This is DR...

It was hailed as a blow against sex discrimination; a milestone in womens' reproductive health -- a federal judge in Seattle ruled that the Bartell's drug chain MUST include prescription birth control pills in its employee benefits.

It was argued on the basis of GENDER equity -- that to deny a birth control benefit discriminates against women.

Now -- if a company elects NOT to pay for birth control pills for its employees, how is that sex discrimination. In other words, how does that hurt a woman more than a man? But Dave, you say, that's easy! You're making the woman pay for something that a man NEVER has to pay for.

Uh uh uh! Not so fast! The only reason a woman would need birth control is if she's having sex with a man, right? If she can't afford the birth control pills, she can make HIM pay! Why not? And if he says no -- well, then: "Not tonight dear."

You see, if Bartells had a policy that, for example, paid for ovarian operation but not prostate operations, that would be sex discrimination.

But birth control?

Birth control requires BOTH sexes to be present for it to be an issue.

If the couple is married, the man and woman pay jointly, so sex discrimination isn't an issue, and if the woman is single and just sleeping around, she can insist that her partner pay half, or that he actually take full responsibility HIMSELF.

Otherwise -- go sleep with someone else.

That's the unique thing about birth control -- it can never be discriminatory. Because it is ALWAYS designed to be used with a friend.

Now this.

This is DR.... 
Index 

CBS OIL MEMO
Moved: 6/15/2001 10:47
OILMEMO.CBS 06/14/01 11:02 PMDLR 1:25 

Oh, those annoying memos! This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

As we all know, the President has pointed out that one of the reasons gas prices have been up is that this nation doesn't have enough refineries.

A fine octane doesn't just HAPPEN, you know.

And we got this idea that if only regulators would butt out, the oil companies would let a thousand refineries bloom, and every American's childhood dream  a nation awash in cheap gasoline  would at last be realized.

Except a funny thing happened on the way to that conclusion:

Someone discovered a few memos.

Senator Ron Wyden, Democrat of Oregon, has oil industry documents which indicate that in the mid1990's, it was the oil companies THEMSELVES that didn't want to build refineries. Indeed, demand for gas was so soft that not only were they NOT building refineries, they were looking for ways to mothball the ones they HAD as a way to get their profit margins up.

He quoted a memo from the Chevron Corporation (QUOTE) "If the U.S. petroleum industry doesn't reduce its refining capacity, it will never see any substantial increase" in refinery profits.

He also quoted a memo from a Texaco official, who suggested specific ways that supplies could be tightened. Now, as it usually is with suspicioussounding memos  these are probably just a lot of executive doodling, and the company never intended to act on them. I DO note that Texaco and Chevron are seeking permission to merge and become the nation's fourth largest oil company  but I'm sure the intent there is not to control gas supplies. It's probably just so they can cut down on the number of redundant memos.

Now this.

~C:\WORKS\FILES\OILMEMO.CBS 
Index 

CBS VITAMIN C
Moved: 6/15/2001 10:47
CBS-VITAMIN C 6/14/2001

Now it's Vitamin C. This DR...

It's happening again -- something we thought was essential to health, something we all saw as beneficial, is actually out to kill us.

Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania have found that under the right conditions, Vitamin C can cause DNA mutations associated with... cancer.

How about that! Now they tell us. Every American home has these fat pill bottles filled with Vitamin C. We have Vitamin C tablets, capsules, shampoo, suppositories ... it was supposed to keep us alive forever.

(MENACING) Now we see what the "C" really stands for. Oh, wait - I can't say that:

Because the scientists were quick to caution that even though their resuls look menacing, the study was conducted in a test tube and not with living human cells or in actual people, and for heavens' sake no one should think that Vitamin C causes cancer.

Only if you're a TEST tube should you be afraid.

That's the way it always is with these studies. They never mean what they mean.

SO the message is that Vitamin C is still good for you. It's just that when you take it in those megadoses which are supposed to REALLY good for you, it can screw up your DNA, that's all. 

Don't let it bother you. More research is necessary before you panic, and you will be told by an official researcher exactly WHEN to panic.

But don't forget what happened to Linus Pauling, the Nobel prize winning chemist who started popping about 15 times the normal dose of Vitamin C every day. HE thought Vitamin C could STOP cancer. But guess what he died of: CANCER. Snuffed out. At the age of 93.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PLEDGE
Moved: 6/14/2001 7:36
CBS-PLEDGE 6/14/2001

Flag day, 2001. This is DR....

Flag Day -- a day when everyone is supposed to take a moment to honor the flag and say the Pledge of Allegiance. 

Although, in practice, it is probably conservatives who are more likely to observe this day, and yet, as the Conservative News Service points out today, they might be surprised if they knew a little more about Francis Bellamy, who wrote Pledge of
Allegiance in 1892

Francis Bellamy, was a Christian and a Baptist Minister, but he was ALSO, according to John Baer, author of "The Pledge of Allegiance: A Centennial History", a SOCIALIST. He even gave a speech titled "Jesus the Socialist."
He was a cousin of Edward Bellamy, author of the futuristic novel "Looking Backward" which envisioned a Utopian world in which all were equal.

Francis Bellamy even considered writing the pledge to read: "one nation with liberty, EQUALITY, and justice for all..." but decided that might be going too far in a country that still didn't let blacks and women vote.

Of course a lot of people would tremble at such words even TODAY.

The Pledge we know today is also NOT quite the same pledge that Bellamy wrote, which read:

"I pledge allegiance to my Flag and to the Republic for which it stands, one
nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

There was no UNDER GOD in the Original -- that wasn't added until 1954 -- and there is no indication Bellamy thought it ought to be compulsory.

Now you know: the roots of the pledge are certainly patriotic, but they are NOT necessarily conservative.

Which means EVERYBODY can finally feel comfortable with it.

Now this. This is DR... 
Index 

CBS BOZO
Moved: 6/14/2001 7:36
CBS-BOZO 6/14/2001

It was finally time for Bozo to Gozo. This is DR...

An era passed this week in Chicago, where the the last Bozo show in America taped its last episode.

And I was a little embarrassed when I saw that headline, because I didn't know there still WAS a Bozo show in America. Which was exactly the problem. Not a lot of kids were getting up at 7 a.m. on a Sunday morning to watch Bozo. 7 a.m. on a Sunday morning is when America tunes in for the latest in barbecue technology.

But the headline still brought back memories, because as a child, even though I was a very serious, studious, type, I was a fan of local children's shows. Growing up in New York -- it was the Johnny Jellybean show for me. Johnny Jellybean -- an adorable vagrant who lived in Central Park

I even remember the secret song. I can sing it to this day. Jellybeaners, Jellybeaners, Jellybeaners one and all ... and you had to pat your head and rub your tummy as you sang it. See? It taught motor skills. 

But no, that wasn't good enough -- we couldn't just be ENTERTAINED, we had to be TAUGHT so we'd all be ready for the space program, so educators got involved, they created Sesame street and those "healthy" childrens' shows, and the clowns disappeared.

Now every time you see a clown on TV, he's probably a psychopath. Or like Krusty the Clown on the Simpsons, a pathetic loser.

Clowns have just fallen on hard times as a medium of entertainment. Clowns and mimes. 

And so, goodbye Bozo -- you may be gone -- but hey -- you can pick up the paper any day and see plenty of people who will keep the name alive.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS SLOW MULTIPLE
Moved: 6/13/2001 7:41
CBS-SLOW-MULTIPLE 6/13/2001

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

Dateline Seattle: When William Green was convicted for sexual assault, he insisted that he was not responsible, because it was one of his OTHER 24 personalities who committed the crime.

The case is important to Mr. Green because it's his third strike and means life in prison.

But on Friday a federal judge overturned his conviction, ruling that even though Mr. Green admits his body was present when the crime was committed, he should have been allowed to testify that that he believes it was a four year old child named Tyrone who was in CHARGE of that body at the time.

Let's take that REAL SLOW:

He admits his body was present ... but a four-year-old named Tyrone was in charge of his body at the time.

This raises the question -- should courts get involved in multiple personalities. Because if the OTHER personalities KNEW the four year old was misbehaving, and didn't stop it, the other personalities couldn't all be charged as accessories, right?

And the other thing is -- under the three strikes law, if you have 24 personalities, does that mean you get 72 strikes?

You see he problem? I think that until experts can sort this out, the courts ought to suspend sentence for the innocent personalities. Just confine the guilty body.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS MARINERS
Moved: 6/13/2001 7:39
CBS-MARINERS 6/13/2001

Is baseball too noisy? This is DR...

The All-Star game is being played here in Seattle this year at Safeco Field, the home of the apparently-invincible Seattle Mariners. It's the most expensive stadium in America, and it happens to be built right next to a train yard. The horns of passing freight trains have become part of the charm.

There are six or seven outbreaks of charm per game:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>ROSS TRAIN HORN
Time: 13s
Title: TRAIN HORN SOUND EFFECT
Out-cue: ]

But now, team officials are asking the city to silence the train horns during the all-star game.

Apparently ESPN and FOX, which will be carrying the broadcast, think they're too loud.

Now you see, the trains don't blare their horns just to blare their horns, they blare their horns so that they don't squish cars and trucks at the railroad crossings near the stadium. Indeed, they must blare the horns by law.

But what really annoys us here in Seattle, is the arrogance -- that some network executive thinks the stadium is to noisy for their sports broadcast. Have you ever tuned into a sports broadcast.

Have you noticed very time they go into highlights, a very loud rock band starts playing?

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>ross-espn1
Time: 3s
Title: Espn Jingle 1
Out-cue: ]

Every time -- it's like the highlights aren't exciting enough on their own:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>ross-espn 2
Time: 6s
Title: Espn Jingles -2
Out-cue: ]

(Turn it down!)

If the highlights are that dull, pick better highlights:

And every time they go to a break -- LASERS start firing:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>ross-espn-3
Time: 6s
Title: ESPN Jingle 3
Out-cue: ]

Yikes!

And this isn't just sports -- what about the news:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>ross-FOX STING
Time: 2s
Title: Fox Sting
Out-cue: ]

See? Its like incoming FIRE:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>ross-FOX STING
Time: 2s
Title: Fox Sting
Out-cue: ]

They think the train is too noisy. The poor train doesn't have a chance!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS KYLLO 2
Moved: 6/12/2001 8:04
CBS-KYLLO-2 6/12/2001

How much heat you give off is your own business. This is DR...

The Supreme Court has decided that Danny Lee Kyllo, in Florence Oregon can emit as much infrared radiation as he wants without bringing the cops down on him?

In 1991, Narcotics agents using a thermal camera called the Agema Thermovision 210, detected excessive heat coming from Kyllo's house. They convinced a judge there may be more going on there than a really hot shower, and got a search warrant. Sure enough, inside were grow lights and under the grow lights, 100 marijuana plants.

Mr. Kyllo was arrested -- and he sued, arguing that to snoop on the heat coming from his house violated the fourth amendment.

The government said it was no different than hearing a scream, or smelling alcohol on the breath. The cops just happened to aim the Agema Thermovision 210 at his garage.

But now the US Supreme Court has ruled that it's NOT the same. You allow this, and pretty soon, the cops will be using X-ray vision to look at your underwear.

So back to a lower court it goes to see if there was some OTHER, NON-INVASIVE way of detecting the marijuana and arresting Mr. Kyllo.

So let's see -- that would mean they'll probably hire an informant to arrange an undercover buy and then send the SWAT team to break down his door and raid his basement for the purpose of confiscating a bunch of plants.

All the while providing absolute protection of his constituional right to emit heat.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS McVEIGH4
Moved: 6/12/2001 8:04
CBS-McVEIGH4 6/12/2001

Last rites. This is DR...

One of Timothy McVeigh's attorney's has confirmed what we heard in Terre Haute yesterday -- Attorney Nathan Chambers says McVeigh, who was raised a Catholic, requested last rites by a Catholic priest.

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS 190 MCVEIGH
Time: 11s
Out-cue: LIKE THAT]

The official name of the sacrament is the Anointing of the Sick, and according to the official Catechism of the Catholic Church, it is administered by anointing on the forehead with blessed oil, and saying, just once "Through this holy anointing may the Lord in his love and mercy help you with the grace of the Holy Spirit. May the Lord who frees you from sin save you and raise you up."

Does all this mean he was sorry? Jannie Coverdale -- whose lost grandsons, Aaron and Elijah -- saw no remorse:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS 45 MCVEIGH
Time: 8s
Out-cue: HAD DONE]

But to ASK to be anointed by a priest! Even if he didn't feel remorse, that certainly implies McVeigh at least found a belief in God -- unless he was just hedging his bets.

In Terre Haute yesterday Sister Mary Beth Klingel -- who organized the prayer vigil outside the prison -- that me she's convinced McVeigh's soul is right now in heaven.

Which would indicate that one way or another, he DID find God.

A lot of prisoners do.

I just wish McVeigh had found him about six years and two months sooner.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. 
Index 

CBS PASSENGERS
Moved: 6/8/2001 7:59
CBS-PASSENGERS 6/8/2001

Flying will be a joy. This is DR...

The Airline industry says complaints for the first four months of the year -- down 12 percent. But the airlines aren't satisfied with that, and so they have announced that they will go even FURTHER to improve passenger service. 

Two years ago, you'll recall, they agreed to VOLUNTARY service standards. NOW, they will make those standards LEGALLY binding

They've had some kind of epiphany.

Or maybe it's those 20 airline regulation bills kicking around in congress. Whatever the reason -- LISTEN to this:

They promise -- 

To inform passengers of the lowest available fares when they buy their tickets by phone or at a ticket counter.

To set up system to let passengers know if a flight is delayed BEFORE they leave for the airport.

To ensure that information on airport monitors is correct! 

To reduce the number of flights regularly delayed or canceled.

And they will establish a toll-free number to check on lost baggage.

In other words -- they will stop treating passengers like commodity shipments!

Can you believe it? This is going to take all the challenge out of flying.

Insuring that the information on the airport monitors is actually CORRECT?

And telling us BEFORE we get to the airport that a flight is cancelled? But that means we won't get to sleep at the gate anymore.

Couldn't you leave just a LITTLE bit of the old system in place?

Airline travel is one of the few character-building experiences we have left.

You could make the lost-baggage number toll free, but then ... don't answer it.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS GAS SHORTAGE
Moved: 6/8/2001 7:59
CBS-GAS SHORTAGE 6/07/2001

What energy shortage?? This is DR...

Yeah -- what happened to the energy shortage?

Remember the warnings that gasoline was headed to three dollars a gallon this summer? Oil companies had been flooding sign companies with orders for giant plastic "3"s to post in the dollar slot on gas station signs. The President said conservation wouldn't be enough and called for Faith-based drilling in Alaska.

But suddenly the story has changed!

The story NOW is that pump prices are poised to head DOWN this summer, not up. Wholesale down 25% in some areas.

And the talk about $3 gas? Just talk. Apparently the only reason prices went up was fear that prices would go up.

Man, the President's new energy plan worked fast, didn't it? Who knew they could set up those wells in the Wildlife Refuge so quickly! The Caribou must have switched parties. 

And when did they build all those new refineries?

I thought it was going to take YEARS! We must all be in some weird time warp. Because otherwise, we would be forced to conclude that this latest gas crisis was ... bogus!

How can you have a summer gas crisis that ends BEFORE the first day of summer?

But wait - that's not all! Now we're told that the electricity crisis is ALSO disappearing! What's that about? It was there just long enough to raise everyone's electric bill and now -- plenty of energy! No need for price caps, the lights will stay on.

Just when we think we have a decent crisis it disappears!

Now all we have to do, is figure out where to put all those giant plastic "3"s.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS TAX CUT
Moved: 6/8/2001 7:59
CBS-TAX CUT 6/7/2001

Your money's coming back. This is DR...

The tax cut is law, the checks are on the way, and now the question is -- what will you do with it?

I know there's been a lot of debate over whether this was a good idea or not, but you can't quarrel with the government sending you your own money back. Everybody who thinks the tax cut is wrong can just take matters into their own hands and spend the money the right way.

Those who think the money should have gone to shore up Social Security can invest the $600. According to financial planners, if you took that $600 and invested it for 30 years, you would have OVER ten thousand dollars!

In some cases that's a year's worth of social security you won't need -- you can just send back the checks.

For those who think the tax cut should have gone to pay down the national debt -- you can take the $600 and use it to pay down the national debt. Believe it or not the Treasury does accept contributions. Just send the money to: 

BUREAU OF THE PUBLIC DEBT, ATTN DEPT G - you can get the full address on the Treasury Department's web page.

And it IS tax deductible.

But that's only the beginning. People who want better highways could pool their $600 dollars and build carpool lanes. Defense hawks could pool their $600 and buy that anti-missile system.

People who think more of the tax cut should have gone to the poor can drop it in a tin cup near the mission and the surprise the hell out of a panhandler.

In fact, just give us ALL our money back, and we won't need a government at all!

Now this. This is DR... 
Index 

CBS McVEIGH
Moved: 6/8/2001 7:59
CBS-McVEIGH 6/8/2001

Last words. This is DR...

Monday, at 7:00 local time in Terre Haute, Timothy McVeigh will die for what he did six years ago in Oklahoma City.

About 25 people will witness it in person. The rest of us will have to be content with the announcement.

And after we hear the announcement, we'll ask ourselves, was justice done?

But, justice can never really be done in a case like this, can it?

How do you truly punish someone for the sudden deaths of 168 people -- and the turmoil in the lives of the survivors?

You could make a pretty good argument that McVeigh isn't been punished at all. He's achieved fame. He's been fed, clothed, housed at taxpayer expense. Afforded whatever legal help he wanted. Allowed to speak his mind in a book. And in the end, given the time to prepare himself, before dying in his sleep.

The real punishment is against his family which is forced to bear a name that's now become notorious.

That's what's so frustrating isn't it -- that for some crimes, there is no proper punishment. 

All you can do is try to erase as many painful reminders as you can.

And so Timothy McVeigh will be erased.

As his last words, he chose Invictus, by William Ernest Henley: "I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul." But Henley wrote that as an expression of human courage.

For McVeigh, I think Shakespeare's Macbeth would be more appropriate:

Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard... no more.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS SMOKER
Moved: 6/7/2001 8:31
CBS-SMOKER 6/7/201

It's just the beginning. This is DR...

Richard Boeken -- suffering from incurable lung and brain cancer was awarded a record $3 billion in damages by Los Angeles jury, because Philip Morris did not properly warn him of the risks of smoking. 

It's the largest individual punitive damage award ever against a cigarette maker.

But here's the line of the story that impressed me the most -- he started smoking at age 13 before warnings went on cigarette packs, and he was unable to stop his two pack a day habit for 40 years.

Now the jurors clearly felt that Philip Morris should have warned him that smoking could kill him. And all of us have sympathy for a dying man.

But to sock a company for 3 billion dollars for making a product that takes 40 years to kill you -- I think that's got to have A LOT of industries in a panic.

Here's another story datelined Los Angeles: According to a study just released by the RAND institute, obese adults have more chronic health problems than daily smokers do. That includes asthma, diabetes, cancer, and heart disease.

Well, I've been in the line at the fast food restaurant. And you know what? I see them serving fat people, no questions asked. They hand out the french fries to children without even asking for ID. I see bacon cheese melts openly advertised on prime time television, no warnings of any kind.

Do you suppose there could be people out there who believe these ads, eat fatty food for forty years, and then die of heart disease? 

(Yikes!) I hope you guys have some good lawyers ready.

Now this. This is DR. 
Index 

CBS McVEIGH3
Moved: 6/7/2001 8:31
CBS-McVEIGH3 6/07/2001

A snowball's chance. This is DR...

Judge Richard Matsch turned down Timothy McVeigh request for a stay, and his attorneys will now appeal to the Tenth Circuit Court. 

They will argue for more time to look at the thousands of documents that were just recently made available by the F-B-I, on grounds that the information might have convinced the jury to pull back from the death penalty.

The only problem with that argument is that the tenth circuit turned it down once before: when it ruled on McVeigh's original appeal on September 8, 1998.

When McVeigh appealed his original conviction, one of his claims was that the court excluded evidence that someone else may have been involved.

-- Exactly what McVeigh's lawyers are alleging now: that the newly-disclosed FBI files may include the names of accomplices.

But when the Tenth Circuit court rejected McVeigh's original appeal back in 1998, it addressed that question.

The court wrote that while a defendant has a right to try to establish his innocence by showing someone else did the crime, it is not enough merely to offer up unsupported speculation.

That would only confuse the jury, the circuit court said.

Plus, the former Chief judge of the 10th Circuit Court of appeals was a man named Alfred P. Murrah. There used to be a building with that name.

In other words: it looks like McVeigh will need to find a sympathetic Supreme Court justice.

In other words, it looks like his time is up.

It is strange, the way some people think. For some reason, seeing those FBI files made Timothy McVeigh want to save his life. Why wasn't he thinking of that when he arranged those soup cans? When he bought the explosives? When he rented the truck? 

When he lit the fuses?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS SANDPOINT
Moved: 6/6/2001 14:39
CBS-SANDPOINT 6/4/2001

We're jailing you for your own good. This is DR...

Let me see if I understand this story about the impoverished family in Idaho -- the McGuckin family.

A man, his wife, and six kids are living in the Idaho outback, when the father dies. They are already pretty poor, but this makes them even poorer.

Neighbors bring them food, but the family won't apply for food stamps, or medicaid.

Social workers, church workers, and eventually even the neighbors are all turned away, sometimes at gunpoint.

Finally, after neighbors express concerns the children are starving, state officials decide to send in the Sheriff... who lures the mother out of the house with a promise of food and money, and then jails her.

There's a standoff with the kids -- but once the Sheriff promises to keep them together, they finally and are checked out at a hospital where the director of nursing describes them as (QUOTE) "in very good shape."

So the question becomes -- what is the crime here? Being poor? Being mentally ill? Refusing government help?

There is an anti-government mindset in rural Idaho that you don't trust anyone who says "I'm from the government and I'm here to help."

Maybe it's time for government authorities to just accept that.

If people are keeping to themselves, not threatening anyone else, and they say they don't want help, say -- "Fine. Here's our card, call for us if you need us."

Because if you tally up the cost of arresting and jailing Mrs. McGuckin, the cost of surrounding the house, the cost of the court case that is about to begin -- it's a significant amount of money. Why not spend it on someone who actually WANTS the help?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS MARINERS
Moved: 6/6/2001 7:43
CBS-MARINERS 6/6/2001

Speechless In Seattle. This is DR...

After their 13th straight win, the Seattle Mariners season record stands at 45 and 12 -- the sports nuts have been forced deeper and deeper into the archives to find a team that's been that good this early.

The only teams that have done better are the 1912 New York Giants and the 1939 Yankees. The '39 Yankees were so good, the opposing owners passed a rule that year that no American League team could trade with the previous season's pennant winner.

Of course the Mariners got where they are not BECAUSE of trades, but in SPITE of them. It was storybook justice when, with two outs in the ninth, and his Texas Rangers behind by one, who should step to the plate but ... Alex Rodriguez.

Who then promptly delivered a 30,000-dollar pop up.

What this means is that the city of Seattle, which has already endured riots, an earthquake, and Boeing's kiss-off, is now faced with another crisis: a baseball-induced euphoria that has left otherwise respectable people hopelessly intoxicated.

No one sleeps anymore until the game is over. No one leaves for work in the morning until they've seen the highlights one more time. Every conversation opens with last night's score.

When there's a day game, you see more people talking to AM radios than cell phones.

The sports writers are desperate for new cliches. Play by play announcers can't shout any louder. News anchors have run out of ways to say "How About Those Mariners" -- they usually end up saying "How About Those Mariners."

It's gotten so bad, no one here cares about the energy crisis, the change in the Senate, or who trashed the White House.

Ain't it great?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS VANDALS
Moved: 6/6/2001 7:43
CBS-VANDALSM 5/21/2001 fix punch line

Getting a handle on the vandal scandal. This is DR...

Two weeks ago, the General Services Administration issued a report concluding there was no record of significant vandalism at the White House after the Clintons moved out.

Considering all the headlines at the time, the report embarrassed conservatives who had spent weeks reveling in one last round of "I told you so's" about the Clintons' systematic disgracing of the Presidency.

All those accusations about the place being a left a pigsty, the reports of shattered glass, broken furniture and rotting food, the cleaning lady who saw the mess and was in tears -- all appeared to be trumped up exaggerations.

So over the weekend, the White House finally released a detailed report -- listing obscene graffiti in six offices, a 20 inch wide Presidential seal ripped off a wall, 10 cut telephone lines, pornographic messages left on 15 telephone lines, and 100 inoperable keyboards, and some copy paper with pictures of naked people left in the a white house copy machine.

But the written list, it turned out, was prepared just last Friday, based on recollections of employees, prompting former Clinton officials to say wait just a minute - this isn't evidence! The government keeps careful records of repairs to things like phones and computers - so if the work was done, there should be work orders.

SO now the GAO will investigate AGAIN -- but NOW there are more questions -- such as if the White House list is true, why didn't it supply that list the FIRST investigation? This much we know, however: the investigation will fulfill its primary mission: to cost the taxpayers far more than the vandalism itself did.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GUN SAFETY
Moved: 6/6/2001 7:43
CBS-GUN SAFETY 6/5/2001

They didn't know the gun wasn't loaded. This is Dave Ross...

For years we've heard from gun rights groups that the best way to stop kids from playing with guns is to teach them about gun safety: teach your kids guns are dangerous, to assume they are loaded, and to run and tell an adult when you see a gun.

So researchers at the Emory University School of Medicine decided to test that argument.

They selected 64 boys between the ages of 8 and 12 -- 90% of whom had been warned about guns.

Parents brought each of the kids -- along with a brother a sister or a playmate -- to an exam room scattered with toys.

However, in several unlocked drawers they ALSO concealed two water pistols, and a REAL semiautomatic handgun. The gun was modified with a radio transmitter that sent a signal every time the trigger was pulled with enough force to fire it.

The kids were told that the adults would be right outside if they needed them, and researchers watched through a one-way mirror. 

Within 15 minutes, 48 of the 64 boys found the real gun. 30 of them picked it up, in some cases pointing it at each other and looking down the barrel.

And 16 of them tried to pull the trigger.

The researchers report that only a few of them left the room to get an adult.

All this -- even though better that 90% of the kids had received some sort of gun safety instruction at school or from their parents.

The researchers concluded that this proves the need for smart guns that can't be fired by children. Well, yes. But I believe it also proves the need for smart parents who don't leave guns in unlocked drawers!

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS GAY DAYS
Moved: 6/6/2001 7:43
CBS-GAY DAYS 6/5/2001

Christian guerillas. This is DR...

They're described as "Christian guerillas" -- Martin Mawyer and Phillip Vaught of the Christian Action Network -- who each year try to blend in with the crowd at Disney world on the first weekend in June in order to document what goes on at the annual Gay Days celebration at Disney World.

The celebrations isn't sponsored by Disney -- it's just that word's gotten around that if you're gay, this is the weekend to ride a roller coaster with people who share your sexual orientation.

Mawyer and Vaught have tried to get Disney to stop it -- but of course, how to do you do that? Turn away men who look a little too interested in Hercules? Have Snow White proposition women and arrest the ones who say yes? It's tough.

So instead the two have taken to going to the Disney nightclubs with a video camera to tape any lewd behavior they find.

It's reported that during their first visit two years ago, they videotaped two male nightclub dancers simulating sex acts, and made the tape public as a warning.

But I don't know -- the idea of going around making video tapes of erotic dances -- isn't that what perverts do? That just doesn't sound like the things that morally conservative people ought to be doing.

When non-conservatives make tapes of erotic encounters, isn't it considered ... sleazy? Well, I'm sure it's all in a good cause...

But it reminded me of a famous line about the difference between liberals and conservatives. BOTH like dirty videos.

However, when liberals watch dirty videos, they watch them alone. Whereas conservatives form decency committees and watch theirs as a group.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS DUMBER
Moved: 6/4/2001 9:05
CBS-DUMBER 6/01/2001

Now, time for another edition of.... They're Just as Dumb As We Are. This is DR...

I invented this feature because there are just to many aggravating stories about the dumb things Americans do. So from time to time I try to look for news stories that make CANADIANS look stupid. And I've found another one.

Dateline East Sable River, Nova Scotia:

Little Billy Barnes has been busted AGAIN. The second-grader at the Ragged Island Consolidated School was suspended for a day last week after he pointed a breaded chicken finger at a classmate and said BANG!

Asked about the incident, Billy said, (QUOTE) "Somebody told on me."

Students were eating their hot lunches when Billy pointed the fried food at no one in particular.

Said his frustrated mother, "There are gun rules, but this wasn't a gun, it was a chicken finger."

Nevertheless the suspension goes on Billy's PERMANENT record.

Sound familiar, My Fellow Americans? You can bet school officials are wishing they hadn't touched this one.

But here's what makes suspending kids like this such a dumb thing to do. 

Little boys are always going to aim things at each other. It's in the Y Chromosome. That's what it's named after a letter that's shaped like a slingshot.

So if little boys are going to aim things at each other, isn't it better if they aim fried food? Of course it is. Leave this kid alone. If he tries to rob banks when he grows up -- the grease spot in his pocket will give him away.

Ah, but isn't it reassuring to know that even in Canada, They're Just As Dumb As We Are.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS SANDPOINT
Moved: 6/4/2001 9:04
CBS-SANDPOINT 6/4/2001

We're jailing you for your own good. This is DR...

Let me see if I understand this story about the impoverished family in Idaho -- the McGuckin family.

A man, his wife, and six kids are living in the Idaho outback, when the father dies. They are already pretty poor, but this makes them even poorer.

Neighbors bring them food, but the family won't apply for food stamps, or medicaid.

Social workers, church workers, and neighbors are all turned away, sometimes at gunpoint.

Finally, after neighbors express concerns the children are starving, state officials decide to send in the Sheriff... who lures the mother out of the house with a promise of food and money, and then jails her.

There's a standoff with the kids -- but once the Sheriff promises to keep them together, they finally and are checked out at a hospital where the director of nursing describes them as (QUOTE) "in very good shape."

So the question becomes -- what is the crime here? Being poor? Being mentally ill? Refusing government help?

There is an anti-government mindset in rural Idaho that you don't trust anyone who says "I'm from the government and I'm here to help."

Maybe it's time for government authorities to just accept that.

If people are keeping to themselves, not threatening anyone else, and they say they don't want help, say -- "Fine. Here's our card, call for us if you need us."

Because if you tally up the cost of arresting and jailing Mrs. McGuckin, the cost of surrounding the house, the cost of the court case that is about to begin -- it's a significant amount of money. Why not spend it on someone who actually WANTS the help?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS TAX CUT QUIZ
Moved: 6/1/2001 6:17
CBS-TAX CUT QUIZ! 6/01/2001

Its the TAX CUT QUIZ! This is DR...

The tax cut quiz is your chance to test your knowledge of the new tax cut, just ring in (DING) when you hear the correct answer.

QUESTION NUMBER ONE: The tax cut finally repeals the marriage penalty, true or false. TRUE! Its fully repealed in the year 2009. Then the tax bill repeals the repeal in 2011!

QUESTION NUMBER TWO: Therefore the best time to stop living in sin and get married is ... (DING) Right! Eight years from now. Until then, tell the kids the government doesn't want mommy and daddy married yet.

QUESTION NUMBER THREE: The new tax cut finally repeals the evil death tax, true or false. (DING) True. In the year... 2010. Then it restores the death tax in 2011. So plan your medication accordingly.

QUESTION FOUR: True or false -- the new tax cut gives you a deduction of up to $4000 for college tuition. That is TRUE. It takes effect in 2002 and then is cancelled in 2005, three years later.

QUESTION FIVE: True or false? There are plenty of excellent three-year colleges out there. (DING) Of course. The graduates wear little triangular hats.

And finally, true or false: who would you be more likely to trust behind the wheel of your new car -- a member of Congress who voted for this bill (BUZZ), or Jenna Bush? (DING) Right.

Now this. This is DR... 
Index 

CBS McVEIGH
Moved: 6/1/2001 6:17
CBS-McVEIGH 6/01/2001

Timothy McVeigh blinks. This is DR...

Timothy McVeigh has changed his mind about dying. He will ask a judge to delay his execution on grounds that the government committed a fraud on the court in withholding evidence.

His lawyers argue that some of the new FBI material didn't arrive until Wednesday, not to mention the 11 computer discs they received just a few days before that.

Ample reason, they say, for a delay.

Now obviously, this is an absurd turn of events. McVeigh has not only admitted he did it, he has explained WHY: to punish the American government. Is he going to read the new documents and discover he ACTUALLY DIDN'T do it after all? Of course not.

But now, we are told, there's a principle at stake:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS-271
Time: 9s
Out-cue: TAKES THIS ACTION]

In other words, the FBI has done for Timothy McVeigh what he could not do for himself. It has given him something to live for.

And his new cause is, believe it or not, to preserve the integrity of the justice system. Instead of trying to punish the American government, he is going to make it honest.

Do you see what's happened here? 

He is saying he thinks there is something about the government worth salvaging! The most notorious government-hater in the nation's history now thinks the jackbooted thugs can be redeemed.

This is a stunning turnaround. It means he no longer believes in his original cause! And it means that even if he is executed -- Timothy McVeigh can never be a martyr.

Now this. This is DR... 
Index 

CBS DAYLIGHT TIME
Moved: 6/1/2001 6:17
CBS-POWER CRUNCH 5/17/2001

It's energy saving time. This is DR...

In the State of Massachusetts, Representative William Greene has proposed a bill to stay on Daylight Saving time, even after the last Sunday in October. Same thing is being proposed in California and a few other states. It's an idea that's come up before, especially in states where the sun starts setting at 4:30 in the winter. 

But this time -- the basis is more than psychological, it's to save energy.

Keep sunset an hour later, and you don't have to turn on the lights so soon. 

The trouble with this idea is that if ALL the neighboring states do it, you're back to the same problem -- everyone cooking dinner at the same time, causing a power peak, and leading to blackouts, because they're all trying to use the same power from the same power plants at the same time.

If you're going to screw around with the clocks, you might as well REALLY screw 'em up, and have staggered time zones in every state, so that no two have dinner at once.

And then there's this idea, which came from a listener named Scott. Dave:

I listen to your show regularly, and had an inspiration for saving "Mega amounts " of energy across the country. The United States should follow the age old tradition of Mexican Siestas for one hour everyday. Shut all power grids off at a scheduled time, so no computer data is lost, and everybody takes a power nap. This might even help road rage and have other positive benefits.

Sincerely Scott.

Scott, an excellent idea.

I would even say take TWO hours off in the middle of the day and use the second hour to help look for more oil.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS HOUSE OF PRAYER
Moved: 6/1/2001 6:17
CBS-HOUSE of PRAYER 5/30/2001

House of Prayer or House of Pain? This is DR...

In Atlanta, all but one of the children taken from parents who attended Rev. Arthur Allen's House of Prayer have been returned.

The state took custody of 49 children after a teacher noticed bruises on one of them, AND after it came out that Rev. Allen preached corporal punishment, and arranged marriages for 14 year old girls who he found out were having sex. 

He made no apology when I asked him about it:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Allen1
Time: 6s
Title: Rev Arthur Allen
In-cue: Well I see nothing wrong
Out-cue: Children have daddies]

As for taking a belt to a disruptive child:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Allen2
Time: 17s
Title: Rev Arthur Allen
In-cue: We will continue
Out-cue: killin in mass numbers ]

Because you see -- he sees the court as white society trying to tell black folks how to raise their children. And he thinks white society is on pretty thin ice there. He keeps a list of the white school kids who have killed their friends, their teachers, their parents, and themselves:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Allen3
Time: 6s
Title: Rev Arthur Allen
In-cue: If White Society
Out-cue: Corporal Punishment]

Which is why a judge is now considering whether he'll get to keep HIS OWN children, including 4 month old Amber Rose. Because yes, when she gets older, he'll use CORPORAL PUNISHMENT on her too:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Allen4
Time: 8s
Title: Rev Arthur Allen
In-cue: I might start
Out-cue: With kisses now]

If the court allows it, that is.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS JENNA
Moved: 5/31/2001 14:56
CBS-JENNA 5/31/2001

Girls will be girls. This is DR...

The papers are all over the first daughters' latest attempt to consume intoxicating beverages two years before they should. This time it happened a restaurant in Austin, where the alert manager placed a 911 call to report that two teenagers were trying to buy alcohol using someone else's ID. 

The two turned out to be Jenna and Barbara Bush.

This, of course, is not the first time. Jenna has been cited for alcohol possession; there was Barbara's binge in Mexico during Spring break; typical teenage hijinx, which wouldn't even be covered if they didn't involve Jenna and Barbara.

But I have a different question.

What's the Secret Service detail doing? They're basically a taxpayer-supported designated driver program.

Shouldn't they whisper into their cufflinks or something when Jenna places a drink order?

I mean, there's National Security aspect here. I'm sure those rogue nations are right now looking for ways to open more bars near the University of Texas.

And another thing: If the secret service can't keep the President's own daughters from getting schnockered, then ... we might as well drop the war on drugs, forget anti-smoking campaigns, sex education, the food pyramid, or ANY program which tries to break people of their bad habits.

Because if two well-educated white females from a conservative two-parent family who are being tailed all the time by highly trained federal agents can't be stopped from getting phony IDs and drinking themselves silly, then there really isn't much the government can do for the rest of us, is there?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CALIFORNIA POWER
Moved: 5/31/2001 14:56
CBS-CALIFORNIA POWER 5/30/2001

Another solution to the crisis. This is DR...

Yesterday I proposed an excellent idea for solving the energy crisis. I said that we should reassign the scientist working on the anti-missile program to come up with a black box that can generate electricity from kitchen scraps.

But now the San Francisco Chronicle has given me another idea. 

The Chronicle decided to see whether power company execs and politicians are THEMSELVES following the advice they give to the rest of us to use less energy.

So a Chronicle reporter went spelunking with a digital thermometer through various offices.

For example, inside the state Capitol in Sacramento, where legislators have been urging their constituents to keep the thermostat at 78degrees on hot days, the Assembly chamber is 71 degrees. Some offices dip BELOW 70.

20 miles east of Sacramento, at the offices of the Independent Systems Operator, where engineers have to decide who gets blacked out, it's 90 degrees outside, but 69 degrees inside -- so cold, the receptionists wear sweaters.

The Chronicle itself was also an offender -- it's Walnut Creek bureau is 67 degrees year round - why? Because of all the big mainframe computers which must remain cool.

That's when it hit me. Computer data can be shipped anywhere in the blink of an eye, right? You shoot it up to a satellite send it wherever you want. Well, then, you don't need blackouts, you don't need to take cold showers or shut down factories -- just move the big computers to Fairbanks!

Where they can be as cold as they need to be.

Buy us a little time while the missile guys are perfecting the black box.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TERRORIST
Moved: 5/30/2001 7:43
CBS-TERRORIST 5/30/2001

The terrorist speaks. This is DR...

Ahmed Ressam, the man who has remained silent since he was arrested at a ferry landing in Washington State with a car full of explosives and timers, has decided to talk.

He was arrested in 1999 just before New Year's, not only with the explosives but with a reservation for a hotel room near the Seattle Space Needle.

That prompted Seattle to cancel its millennium celebration for fear of a bomb going off in the crowd. 

But no one really knew what the explosives were for, and Ressam wouldn't say anything -- until recently. Since being convicted April 6th on charges that could bring a sentence of 140 years, he's had a lot to say. We're told that he has revealed his original plans: and according to the Los Angeles Times, those plans included setting off a large bomb at Los Angeles International Airport.

Ever since the arrest Ressam and his alleged accomplices, we've been told only that this tight little terrorist club was planning to "punish America" by bombing UNSPECIFIED targets.

Now, apparently, Ressam, is going to start SPECIFYING those targets.

Unfortunately, this will probably not help catch the BIG CHEESE, Osama Bin Laden, who remains under the protection of the highly principled and morally unimpeachable members of Afghanistan's Taliban government.

But I know what it WILL do.

Yeah, I suppose Ressam COULD be doing this simply reduce his sentence. But I was thinking -- if the purpose of terrorism is to scare the hell out of people, you can be just as effective by listing all the places you ALMOST bombed as by actually bombing them.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ENERGY
Moved: 5/30/2001 7:43
CBS-ENERGY 5/30/2001

Ah, if only rhetoric could be harnessed. This is DR...

President Bush won't budge -- he says capping the price of electricity will only make it MORE expensive not less. So he refuses to do it. And California Governor Gray Davis won't budge -- he'll sue the regulators to get them to do just that.

The Democrats, newly empowered in the US Senate, plan to go after price caps, while at the same time, a new coalition of corporations has formed to make sure they don't.

Meantime, to prove that he is still a nice guy no matter WHAT happens to electricity prices, the President set out to walk among the California Redwoods, which remained standing!

Here we go again. All this unharnessed political energy, arguing over whether price caps will make electricity less expensive or MORE expensive, and who's to blame for rising prices and falling voltage.

The REAL problem is this: there's only one power line coming into your house, and if it goes dead, you join the third world. Your refrigerator's a pantry. Your microwave's a cupboard.

So why don't these leaders get together and DO something that would actually help? For example -- suppose someone assembled all those engineers who are tearing their hair out over that anti-missile system, and told them to drop everything, and get busy inventing a little black box you can buy that will sit in your basement, and generate power from kitchen scraps. You dump in the dinner leftovers, and out comes 120 volts AC.

THEN you'll see prices drop!

Plus, if some terrorist fires one of those rogue missiles at a power plant, we won't care.

Now this. This is DR. 
Index 

CBS BUDGET
Moved: 5/29/2001 7:39
CBS-BUDGET 5/29/2001

The check is in the mail. This is DR...

After all that wrangling, finally some results. The US Treasury is sending us some of our money back. We'll all be getting refunds we didn't expect. Up to $600 as a down payment on the tax cut. A little kickback just for being an American taxpayer.

And since this check represents the excess money being withheld from your paycheck, the more you make, the more you'll get back.

Now, there are some budget hawks who think this tax cut is a bad idea, because despite all the talk of a surplus, they've noticed that the nation still has a substantial debt.

$5,660,965,921,275.71 to be exact.

The skeptics also note that the tax kickback is on the way even though the Defense department is about to ask for more money for that missile defense system.

SO what to do. Well, there IS a way to protest this tax cut. Here IS a way to make it crystal clear that more of the debt should be paid down before all this the tax money is refunded.

When that check arrives -- send it back. 

When that check arrives, endorse it, and send it to your Senator with express instructions not to spend that money. Instruct your Senator that the money is to be used to pay down the debt, and that no matter how TEMPTING it may be, they are NOT to spend it for any other purpose. Point out that it is officially YOUR money, and therefore they MUST do as you say.

We TRUST them, don't we?

Hmm. Maybe it's best to save it. For when they realize they have to raise your taxes back to where they were.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MARTIN
Moved: 5/29/2001 7:39
CBS-Martin 5/29/2001

The supreme court defines golf. This is DR...

By a vote of 7-2 the US Supreme Court has decided that disabled golfer Casey Martin gets to ride during professional golf tournaments.

The PGA had told Martin that his atrophied right leg was not sufficient to trump the rule against using a cart, so Martin sued under the Americans With Disabilities act, arguing that a golf cart was a reasonable request.

The PGA argued back -- that the act only required help for disabled fans outside the ropes -- that the golf tournament was a test of athleticism, and to alter the rules INSIDE the ropes would be to alter the nature of the game.

But the Supreme Court disagreed -- Justice John Paul Stevens writing that the cart is hardly an advantage since even WITH it, Martin ends up more fatigued than golfers who can walk normally.

Well, it's hard to begrudge Casey Martin his golf cart -- none of us would want to suffer what he does. But what I want to know is, is there anything the Supreme court will NOT get involved in?

I know these guys are lawyers, and therefore attach a special importance to golf, but you see, right after the Casey Martin story crossed the wires, there was ANOTHER headline:

"Court Refuses to Hear Ten Commandments Case"

WASHINGTON A divided Supreme Court on Tuesday declined to hear a case testing whether public display of the Ten Commandments violates the principle of separation of church and state.

They're willing to define what is a vote (DING); they're willing to define the rules of GOLF (DING) -- but separation of Church of State (BUZZ)-- BO-RING.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS LEE COUNTY KNIFE
Moved: 5/28/2001 7:49
CBS-LEE COUNTY KNIFE 5/28/2001

It cuts both ways. This is DR...

In Lee County Florida, Estero High School will not back down, and still plans to ban Lindsay Brown from her graduation because of the steak knife found on the floor of her car.

It was last Monday that she school officials noticed she was parked in the wrong spot, and looked inside the car, spotting a steak knife with a FIVE inch blade on the passenger side.

That violated the school's policy, which says no weapons on school grounds, period.

Her mother argued that she's an honor student, and that the knife probably dropped out of a box as they were moving utensils into their new duplex the day before,

No matter. Not only was she suspended, but deputies were called to arrest her.

The Rutherford Institute, the conservative version of the ACLU, is taking up her case -- and the people of the county is divided over who's right and who's wrong.

Most of the letters to the local newspaper have supported Lindsay, wondering what's happened to common sense; but others point out that ignorance of the law is no excuse. No weapons means no weapons. You let the knife go, and pretty soon kids will start leaving their hunting rifles in the front seat accidentally.

I don't know who's right, but I do know that parents should be the LAST to complain about zero-tolerance policies -- because they're the ones always DEMANDING that school officials act. 

They're the one who don't trust school officials judgement. So school officials took judgement out of it.

And until parents decide differently -- the safest thing is to cut your steak with a spoon.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MEMORIAL
Moved: 5/28/2001 7:49
CBS-MEMORIAL 5/28/2001

Trying to remember. This is DR...

President Bush has signed a bill to start construction of the World War Two Memorial on the Mall in Washington, D.C. It's been ready to go for quite some time, but for lawsuits and critics who think it's too big and would ruin the view.

But it's hard to argue against a national World War II monument anymore -- especially since the World War II generation is disappearing, and they are our parents. 

So the monument will go up. One more effort to make sure we never forget.

One more effort to remind us that something historic and terrible happened, something that many people people died for.

There is one problem with monuments though -- and it's not that they destroy the view, or look too militaristic, or whetever the critics say. The problem is that they're always designed to be beautiful and peaceful and tidy and above all -- complete.

They are always so perfectly complete.

Whereas World War II -- and every other war -- is about lives NOT completed.

That's what the monuments never show you; the one thing we still forget: it's understandable because the people gathered at the cemeteries and marching in the parades tend to be older men.

But old men don't go to war. Boys go to war. Memorial Day is not about men. It's about the photograph on the piano of a son in uniform -- a photograph that turns yellow with the years, but will never age.

THAT's the part we have to remember: that the people who go off to war are so young and incomplete, and nothing like the monuments we build to thank them.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS TAX DEBATE SAT
Moved: 5/25/2001 8:05
CBS-TAX DEBATE 5/23/2001

The rich man's burden. This is DR...

There was a remark in the tax debate from Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill, who paid $24 million in taxes this year as a result of his former life as a corporate executive.

He said that he doesn't see why the tax cuts shouldn't flow back mostly to the people who mailed in big tax checks -- people like him, who pay millions.

Well now -- let's explore this. How is it that someone incurs a tax bill of 24 million? Generally, if he has an income of at least 60 million. 

Nothing WRONG with that, but how is it that you make 60 million dollars? Generally, by running a company where the day to day work is done by employees who make a WHOLE lot less than that.

Employees who need highways and transit systems to get TO that job. Who need schools, police officers, firefighters. And who sometimes need social services, so they can focus on their jobs and not be worrying about their families the whole time.

Where does the money come from? Taxes.

Why, you could argue that ALL government services are in fact a huge subsidy for corporate titans like Mr. O'Neill -- since without a stable workforce, his company disappears.

And then there's the military, which is NOT there to protect the US from foreign invasion, but to make the world safe for free trade, which has had immense benefits for US corporations AND their executives.

So could it be that the rich DO get their money's worth?

If not, they could always cut their own pay -- put themselves in a lower tax bracket -- and spread the money among their employees.

Then the employees could complain about how horribly they're being exploited.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MANDATORY MARRIAGE
Moved: 5/25/2001 8:05
CBS-MANDATORY MARRIAGE 5/25/2001

Making marriage attractive. this is DR...

Next year, it will be time for Congress to renew the 1996 welfare reform law -- and some of them want to use it to save the married two-parent family.

The figures from the 2000 census are clear: over the last ten years, the number of families headed by single women grew five times faster than the number of married couples with children.

And since one of the goals of the 1996 reform law was to promote marriage Representative Wally Herger of California is looking into REQUIRING the states to promote marriage. 

Among the ideas: setting up programs for marriage education, and in particular, reward mothers with cash bonuses if they marry the child's father.

Of course, a cash bonus for welcoming some unemployed drug addict in your bed may be a tough sell. Indeed, you could argue that its the woman who kicks the guy OUT who deserves the bonus. If Congress is going to do that, it ought to at least publish a list of certified husbands worth marrying.

And what ABOUT the men -- someone should tell them it ISN'T macho to get a girl pregnant and then run. Of course that would deprive them of the one sure-fire way to prove they're not gay -- which seems to be pretty important lately.

Nothing's ever easy! No matter how well intentioned you are, someone will figure out a way to game the welfare system.

You know, since most of the real reform ideas seem to be coming from conservative Republicans -- I'm talking about the reforms with teeth -- suppose Congress just assigns every welfare mom to a Conservative Republican, and they can apply their ideas directly.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ASK DAVE
Moved: 5/25/2001 8:05
CBS-ASK DAVE

Ask Dave. This is DR...

Time for another edition of Ask Dave -- actual letters from listeners answered by me, Dave Ross.

Dave:

Was watching the evening news and saw Rep. Dick Armey ranting about towns and cities using cameras to catch motorists running red lights. He complains that it is an invasion of privacy, and a device to raise revenue. He stated his staff made a study of this.

I would like to know why his staff is using my taxes to study something that is none of the Federal Government's business...

Signed Ken.

So Ken, you're wondering why a member of Congress would be upset about cameras that catch red-light-runners.

Well, Ken, it's a privacy matter. These are Big Brother devices, according to Rep. Army. A violation of your right to privacy at traffic intersections, a right held sacred by every driver..

You see Ken, this is America, where every man -- and even some of the women -- have a right to think and act as they choose. And there are times when a man just knows that the traffic light has turned red by mistake. And when that happens, a man has a duty to go right on through it, without some automated camera making him out to be a criminal.

Sure - I hear you saying, if people are afraid of getting tickets, why don't they just STOP at the red lights? That's not the point, Ken. There's a principle at stake here.

And yes, I hear you saying they have surveillance cameras at the US Capitol where Armey works -- monitoring innocent tourists who come to see their nation's public buildings -- what's the difference? 

The difference, Ken, is that those cameras can't catch a Congressman running a red light.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PEARL HARBOR
Moved: 5/25/2001 8:05
CBS-PEARL HARBOR 5/22/2001

Remembering Pearl Harbor TOO well. This is DR...

Pearl Harbor, the movie, opens this week, and Japanese Americans are worried.

John Tateishi of the Japanese American Citizens League in San Francisco thinks some people will leave the theatre ready to fight World War II all over again, and he wants more cops on duty just in case.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>ROSS -- John Tateishi
Time: 10s
Title: John Tateishi Japanese American Citizens League
In-cue: The moment
Out-cue: In those planes]

But are people REALLY that suggestible? Did theatre-goers leave Saving Private Ryan looking for Germans to harrass? No! But John says it's different for Japanese Americans. A woman named Yvonne agreed. She was a Democratic Party function when a WWII vet came up to her:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>Yvonne
Time: 12s
Title: Caller
In-cue: And he says to me
Out-cue: I'm a Japanese American]

The government and Hollywood invested a lot of effort in making sure the Greatest Generation hated the Japanese, and that can die hard.

But if you ARE going to hold a war grudge, at least be fair. Give equal time to our other enemies.

Going back to the Revolution, you have the British, then the Native Americans, the Mexicans, the Spanish, the Germans, Italians, & Japanese the Vichy French, half of the Koreans and half of the Vietnamese, plus the Russians, Chinese, the Iraqis, and the Serbs. And don't forget the Civil War, in which we fought ... Americans.

Which would mean we have to hate everyone except the Swiss.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS JEFFORDS 2
Moved: 5/24/2001 8:21
CBS-JEFFORDS 5/24/2001

Could they have kept him? This is Dave Ross...

Republicans are now conducting a thorough self-examination to see if there was any way they could have kept Senator Jim Jeffords, and control of the Senate.

Senator John McCain, another independent-minded Republican, issued a statement calling Senator Jeffords a principled senator, and one who put the national interest above partisan politics. And he scolded his own party, saying that party operatives unfairly punished Senator Jeffords for his votes of conscience -- 

Senator McCain wrote that perhaps those self-appointed enforcers of party loyalty will learn to disagree without resorting to personal threats.

Well, I think they HAVE learned their lesson, actually.

I hear there may be BIG changes afoot among the orthodox Republicans because of this defection.

For example, my understanding is that from now on, for senators who don't vote with the party, it's now going to be only 20 lashes. 

Also, Republican moderates won't have to wear those yellow patches on their pockets any more.

Attendance at screenings of "Newt Gingrich -- The Case for Sainthood" will now be optional.

The penalty for saying the phrase "Global Warming" in public no longer involves thumbscrews.

There be no need to salute Dick Armey just because of his last name.

Anyone who criticizes the tobacco industry now only has to spend a week on Strom Thurmond's wheelchair detail.

And the biggest concession of all -- bedroom surveillance cameras will now be turned off on weekends.

By the way -- some people wonder why Senator McCain stays. I'll tell you why: he's been a prisoner of war! This is nothing for him.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS JEFFORDS
Moved: 5/24/2001 8:20
CBS-JEFFORDS 5/24/2001

The switch is on. This is DR...

Senator James Jeffords of Vermont announced his transformation from Republican to Democratic-leaning Independent, and just like that, the Democrats will take control of the Senate. 

They'll have a one-vote majority, which hardly guarantees they can pass everything that comes to the floor -- but it DOES mean they'll control WHAT comes to the floor, because with todays announcement, ALL the committee chairs are going to change.

That's why there's all this gnashing of teeth. And yet, there is nothing in the Constitution that says the Senate has to be organized according to party. It could vote on the committee chairs according to ... MERIT! Wow! Can you imagine! Electing committee chairs without regard to party label?

But it'll never happen, because to run for office you need money. And to collect money you need a party organization. And the way that party organization collects money is by selling an agenda to its big donors. And a funny thing happens when you pay 100,000 dollars for a party agenda: you expect the party to stick to it.

That's why the zealots rule, and why those who don't conform must be shunned. 

Senator Jeffords wanted to be able to hang out with people who would at least LISTEN to him.

But the Democrats have their zealots too. Which I imagine is why he became an Independent, and not a Democrat.

He plans to move in with them, but he's not ready for marriage yet.

As for the President -- he's working on a strategy ... looking for a way that he can still have influence with a Democratic Senate, some way he can get them to listen to HIS point of view. You know -- HE could just switch parties. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS HORTICULTURE
Moved: 5/24/2001 6:25
CBS-HORTICULTURE 5/23/2001

"You cannot control what is wild." This is DR...

The eco-hooligans of the Earth Liberation Front have a deeply-held reverence for the environment -- otherwise, why would they go around burning down subdivisions and research labs.

Unfortunately, it turns out they are also a bunch of screw-ups.

Yesterday I mentioned their latest arson - at the University of Washington in Seattle, where they torched a tree lab? They were targeting research into hybrid POPLARS of all things. Here the nation is about to turn the countryside into Swiss cheese in a hunt for more oil & gas, and what's got the eco-hooligans upset is fast-growing POPLARS!

But never mind that -- we are learning today that they didn't even DESTROY the poplars. There were duplicates of those. What they DID destroy was research on endangered species, wetlands rehab, gardening for the working poor, and forest rebirth after the Mt. St. Helens eruption. 

But here's the other thing. They're upset with researchers who tamper with tree genes. And yet, it isn't just researchers who tamper with tree genes. At LEAST as guilty are the trees themselves. Because, you see, every spring, these sneaky plants issue something called POLLEN. And because they've never taken a health class, they don't care where it goes! It's carried by insects, it's carried by the wind; the trees JUST don't care!

And over time, this promiscuity -- this unprotected tree-sex -- causes EVOLUTION.

So even as the eco-hooligans set their fires -- the pollen drifts by. Because you see, my dear hooligans, you're right about one thing: you CANNOT control what is wild.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS JEFFORDS
Moved: 5/23/2001 10:31
CBS-JEFFORDS 5/23/2001

Lightning strikes in Washington. This is DR...

From the sound of the coverage you'd think the Senate was about to get a sex change operation.

Ever since the election left the Senate 50-50, reporters have been predicting it couldn't last. They started the Strom Watch, predicting that Republican Strom Thurmond of South Carolina, the Senate's Oldest Member, would shortly be in a better place, taking his party's effective majority with him.

There were also rumors about the health of Senator Jesse Helms -- enough that he issued a statement saying he intended to be around for a long time.

Isn't Washington a wonderful place?

Well, time just ran out, not because of the grim reaper, but apparently because the tent shrunk.

You know the big tent that the Republican party put up to welcome EVERYBODY? It just wasn't big enough for Senator Jim Jeffords of Vermont.

He wanted part of the tax cut shifted to education programs for disabled children, but his party wouldn't budge. He wanted to protect small Vermont dairy farmers -- but his party is philosophically opposed. And he voted against the Bush tax plan, bringing him as close as a Republican gets to committing treason.

As a result, when it came time to honor a Vermont teacher as teacher of the year at the White house, Senator Jim Jeffords of Vermont wasn't even invited.

It's called party discipline. That's one reason the Republicans have been so successful in the last few years -- they're able to exercise the kind of DISCIPLINE Democrats can only dream of. 

Unfortunately for the Republicans Senator Jeffords apparently got tired of corporal punishment.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS HORTICULTURE
Moved: 5/23/2001 10:31
CBS-HORTICULTURE 5/23/2001

You cannot control what is wild. This is DR...

The eco-terrorists of the Earth Liberation Front have a deeply-held reverence for the environment -- otherwise, why would they go around burning down subdivisions and research labs.

Unfortunately, it turns out they are also a bunch of screw-ups.

Yesterday I mentioned their latest arson - at the University of Washington in Seattle, where they torched a tree lab? They were targeting research into hybrid POPLARS of all things. Here the nation is about to turn the countryside into Swiss cheese in a hunt for more oil & gas, and what's got the eco-hooligans upset is fast-growing POPLARS!

But never mind that -- we are learning today that they didn't even DESTROY the poplars. There were duplicates of those. What they DID destroy was research on endangered species, wetlands rehab, gardening for the working poor, and forest rebirth after the Mt. St. Helens eruption. 

But here's the other thing. They're upset with researchers who tamper with tree genes. And yet, it isn't just researchers who tamper with tree genes. At LEAST as guilty are the trees themselves. Because, you see, every spring, these sneaky plants issue something called POLLEN. And because they've never taken a health class, they don't care where it goes! It's carried by insects, it's carried by the wind; the trees JUST don't care!

And over time, this promiscuity -- this unprotected tree-sex -- causes EVOLUTION.

So even as the eco-hooligans set their fires -- the pollen drifts by. Because you see, my dear hooligans, you're right about one thing: you CANNOT control what is wild.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS VANDALISM
Moved: 5/22/2001 5:50
CBS-VANDALSM 5/21/2001

In search of the vandals. This is DR...

Over the weekend, the General Services Administration issued a report on a certain office building, which concluded, (QUOTE) "The condition of the real property was consistent with what we would expect to encounter..."

The "real property" referred to is the White House.

What the report is saying is that there was no vandalism when the Clintons moved out.

Can that be? Weren't we told just after the inauguration that the place was trashed?

Headline from NewsMax.com: "Outgoing Clintonoids Vandalized White House." 

The American Spectator quoted a Bush staffer as saying "The place was a pigsty."

Human Events magazine reported "shattered glass, broken furniture and rotting food."

As a result, Rep. Bob Barr launched one more investigation, and an ashamed Bill Clinton offered to pay for the damage himself -- once he got the a list of the charges.

But no list appeared. 

And I guess now, it will never appear, because the inspectors could find nothing unusual. Which means either the Clintons are running another cover up, or -- all these stories were inaccurate exaggerations.

But wait -- the STORIES can't be wrong, because they were so detailed!

The report in the Spectator called it "a carefully organized campaign of vandalism unlike anything ever seen in the aftermath of a presidential transition."

UNLIKE ANYTHING EVER SEEN! Human Events said "The mess was so overwhelming... that one cleaning lady was found in tears." Now you KNOW what it takes to shock a cleaning lady. Heck they should've brought counselors in!

Heck they probably did, and they're covering that up too!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GRADUATION
Moved: 5/22/2001 5:50
CBS-GRADUATION 5/21/2001

This is the first day of your future. This is DR...

Graduation season -- a time when public figures earn thousands of dollars delivering speeches full of inspirational rhetoric which is instantly forgotten.

As a matter of fact, the speaker at my daughter's graduation admitted that of all the things we'd remember about the day, his speech would not be one of them.

It's true -- and I think the trouble is that most graduation speeches are aimed at the graduates.

Why do THEY need another speech telling them to follow their dreams? We've told em that since pre-school.

If anything they follow too many dreams. 

It's the parents like me who need the help. 

My daughter has plenty of plans. I'm the one who's at loose ends.

I moved her into her first apartment over the weekend. A windowless room in the basement of an old house next to the furnace. She loves it. I was scared to death.

Let me hear some lofty words.

When she acts like she doesn't really need my suggestions, or knows how to balance a checkbook, or that she can take public transit by herself, can any of that possibly be true?

And that letter from the embassy -- accepting her into a program that will have her teaching in France -- for a year -- do I go through the stages of grief now, or hope that this feeling will pass.

And finally, how long do you keep the bedroom as a shrine, and when you finally DO give in and start storing old clothes in it, does that REALLY have to mean she's never coming back?

Not that I would want a grown child to come back -- it's just the grown part I have trouble with.

You see why these speeches are directed at the wrong audience.

Now this. 

Index 

CBS GIULIANI
Moved: 5/18/2001 7:47
CBS-GIULIANI 5/17/2001

Politicians don't have the decency to cover up anymore. This is DR...

Poor Rudy Giuliani? The mayor of New York has seen his marriage crash and burn in public. He and wife Donna Hanover covered up their difficulties at first, perhaps for the sake of the children, perhaps to preserve the dignity of the office, but finally the mayor couldn't hide it any longer. 

He started showing up at official events with another woman: Judith Nathan -- who he called a "very very kind person." So kind that they would go on long walks and hold hands. Had it been rural Utah no one would have noticed... but it being New York, everyone noticed, and so Giuliani decided to announce he would separate from his wife. Announced it to the press first, so that she could read about it at her convenience.

She took offense at that, and now it's become a messy divorce.

Latest development: mayoral spouse Hanover wants a court order barring her rival from Grace Mansion. 

Giuliani is just barely hanging on to the mansion himself, having been relegated to the guest room by a clearly annoyed Hanover, who gets the master bedroom, and hops on her exercise equipment at 5 a.m. -- according to Giuliani's lawyer -- not just to firm up her tummy, but to disturb his sleep -- and anything else going on in the guest room, which turns out to be NOTHING, because ALSO according to Giuliani's lawyer, the prostate cancer treatments have left him impotent.

The good news is New Yorkers can rest assured that nobody's having what either party would define as sex on taxpayer property.

Ah Bill Clinton -- had you only covered up for a few more years, your folly would've been back page filler.

Now this... 
Index 

CBS WHY JAILS
Moved: 5/18/2001 7:47
CBS-WHY JAILS 5/17/2001

(FANFARE) Why we have jails. This is DR...

Why we have jails -- where I take a court case RIPPED for actual court files and present it to you as a reminder... WHY WE HAVE JAILS.

Today's case:

STATE OF WASHINGTON, v. JERRY B. BOGART, who was appealing an exceptional sentence imposed by a lower court.

The facts in the case are these:

Jerry Bogart, in need of transportation, decided to steal $53,000 motor home. The owner reported this, and the police gave chase. During the chase, Bogart and the motor home hit speeds 95 miles per hour, ran through stop signs and red lights, forced oncoming cars into a ditch, and came within three feet of running over a police officer.

At the same time, a passenger riding with Bogart in the motor home, in an apparent effort to deter pursuing officers, threw -- from the back of the motorhome -- drawers, silverware, cans of food, kitchen utensils, glasses, dishes, folding chairs, and a COUCH.

Police finally put spikes across the road which blew the tires. 

Bogart argued that exceptional sentence of five years and five months that the judge imposed as a result of this chase was unjustified.

However, the judges noted that not only did he steal a motorhome, almost run over a cop, and have his friend throw a couch out the back while attempting to elude a pursuing police vehicle, but he did it three months after being released from prison on a charge of attempting to elude a pursuing police vehicle.

5 years and 5 months, said the court, sounded just about right.

And so our thanks to Jerry B. Bogart for demonstrating once again -- (FANFARE) Why We Have Jails.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ENERGY3
Moved: 5/18/2001 7:47
CBS-ENERGY3 5/18/2001

Catch the new optimism. This is DR...

Looking over the energy plan, I realize that we have been going about it all wrong in this country.

The plan points out that there has been no comprehensive policy to increase domestic sources of energy. All these years the government has been telling us to conserve, conserve, conserve! All these years we've been hearing these patriotic calls to save power, turn off lights, take cold showers, wash full loads, don't do this, don't do that -- what's the point of being the richest nation on earth if you can't enjoy it?

Each of us needs to get on board with the supply side mentality. To catch the Can-Do spirit. Instead of going around turning off lights and squeezing ourselves into tiny cars, each of us should instead concentrate on GENERATING MORE, not making do with less.

Giant squirrel cages, my fellow Americans! Cheney-Go-Rounds we could call them. Where those of us who want to step up can contribute directly to America's self sufficiency.

Exercise bikes equipped not with just the hillclimb course, and the weight loss course -- but the GENERATOR course -- where your bike is patched right into the Independent System Operator. And here's the beauty part: you would see, on the bicycle display, not just the number of calories burned, but the amount of MONEY you're making. You'd be PAID at the current spot rate, just like a power company.

And then -- the capper -- energy vending machines. Next to the snack machines. Big one armed bandits where you can pump energy right back into the wall, every ten pulls, you get a quarter; everyone's a winner.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ENERGY PLAN
Moved: 5/18/2001 7:47
CBS-ENERGY PLAN

We have a plan. This is DR... 

The new energy plan says that instead of just Environmental Impact Statements, there will also be Energy Impact Statements.

The president would end these "overly burdensome" restrictions on power plants, transmission lines, pipelines and refineries -- because the balance has tipped too far.

Predictably, the Democrats say they hate it, and yet we know there are Democrats still getting 15 miles to the gallon and leaving their computers on -- so whatever the party affiliation, we are all hooked.

All I ask is, if this is the New Energy Deal -- more power with less paperwork -- then we have to know who to blame if it goes sour.

I'm willing to believe the President -- that there are ways to drill for oil and build more power plants without screwing up the air and water. 

Just because these guys are the fossil apostles doesn't make them liars, but just once -- I would like to see posted the names and addresses of the energy executives who plan to BACK this guarantee.

JUST in case. So that if the animals die off, or the air DOES start to stink, or some weird chemical DOES end up in the water supply, we know EXACTLY where to bring the tar and feathers. And that's what the penalty should be -- not some fine which gets passed along to the customers, not some congressional hearing where everybody gets a scolding from a senator until the red light comes on -- there needs to be something like a caning.

So go ahead, drill, build, generate! I'm sure everything will be fine. Just let us know whose home we should show up at if it turns out it's NOT.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BRAZILL2
Moved: 5/17/2001 10:02
CBS-BRAZILL2 5/09/2001

Guilty -- but not THAT guilty. This is DR...

In West Palm Beach the jury convicted 14 year old Nathaniel Brazill of killing his English teacher with a shot between the eyes. But they decided that it was only SECOND degree murder. Not first degree murder, which is what the prosecution wanted; not merely manslaughter, which is what the defense wanted, but SECOND degree murder. In other words, he fired the bullet on purpose, but it was a bullet that he would have grabbed and taken back if he could have.

Under the law, a bullet that you wish you could take back is a better bullet than a bullet which you're GLAD you fired.

Unfortunately, they both have the same effect on the victim.

The law makes distinctions like this because we don't want to punish people who make mistakes. And Brazill's attorneys argued that horrible as this crime was, it was a mistake. He never meant to shoot his English teacher. If he meant to shoot anyone, it was the guidance counselor who'd sent him home for throwing water balloons.

So there it is -- we have a revised definition of what a mistake is.

The jury is saying that sometimes, even though a kid goes into grandpa's drawer, gets the gun out of the cookie box, loads the gun, takes the gun to school, aims the gun at the English teacher, cocks the gun, stands there in a shooters stance for 11 seconds -- 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 -- and then fires -- it can still be a mistake.

That may be why it's not a good idea to keep the hand gun in the cookie box.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ENERGY
Moved: 5/17/2001 10:02
CBS-ENERGY 5/17/2001

America gets an energy policy. This is DR...

The President has unveiled his energy plan: a plan that encourages both drilling AND conservation. A plan that promote nuclear energy AND alternative energy.

There's only one thing it DOESN'T do: lower the price of electricity.

That it won't touch. Even though in the West, for example, the electricity that cost a dollar last year goes for 33 dollars this year. 

No matter -- "Let the free market work its magic" is the official policy.

Which is of course what we all believe in. But when it comes to electricity -- have you noticed? -- that wire running into your house -- can you unplug it and plug in some other company's wire? Or, is there some neat new fuel cell you could buy tomorrow and install in your basement? Or a rooftop windmill that you can clamp to your chimney?

No. You HAVE no choice.

And since you have no choice, when your electric rates go up like this -- doesn't it kind of feel like a TAX INCREASE?

Oh, I know it's NOT a tax increase. If anything we're going to be getting a tax DECREASE. Congress is wrangling over it right now! And yet, the main difference between the electric bill and the tax bill is that... the electric company doesn't let you deduct for things like children, and mortgage payments. They want it ALL.

But the president's probably right, price controls would only make it worse. So the tax cut means... we get to look at the money for a few minutes before sending it to Enron. Why doesn't he take the money for the tax cut, and just send it directly to Enron?

Save us all the trouble.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CHOLESTEROL
Moved: 5/16/2001 7:40
CBS-CHOLESTEROL 5/16/2001

We're all still too fat. This is DR...

America still has too many fat people. So as of today there are new federal cholesterol guidelines -- and here's what they mean. You're ALL in trouble.

And the federal experts who issue these reports are losing patience. For years they've been warning us to eat more fiber or die, and Americans prefer to die.

So they've changed the numbers. Before Tuesday, your reading for the BAD cholesterol had to be 240 to be considered high. Well, as of now, a bad cholesterol reading of 160 is considered high, and 190 is now considered borderline death.

So overnight, another 23 million people officially became unhealthy, which means a total of 36 million people, according to the federal government, should start taking anti-cholesterol pills. Which just happen to cost $2 apiece.

Good news for Pfizer -- they make so much selling Lipitor they could be a power company.

Of course, you don't HAVE to take the pills. You could just exercise and eat right. According to the federal guidelines, to eat right, fat intake should be no more than 35% of total calories, saturated fat no higher than 7%, and you should increase consumption of soluble fiber and plant stanols. Well, I'll just head straight for the plant stanol section of my garden center!

We're too busy wondering when the lights will go out! Plant STANOLS.

I appreciate that the federal government wants to save us, but instead of STUDYING cholesterol, they need to develop a bacon cheeseburger that doesn't have any.

Or put the Lipitor IN the meat.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ENERGY
Moved: 5/16/2001 7:40
CBS-ENERGY 5/16/2001

This better be good. This is DR...

The vice President's been meeting in secret with all sorts of expert about the energy crisis, and we're about to get the report. We've heard a few hints of what it's going to contain -- that it will call for more drilling, more nuclear power, more conservation...

But I notice something about all these things They sound like they will either take a long time, or be expensive.

Drilling for oil takes years. Conservation means we have to buy some fancy new appliance with a special sticker on it. And nuclear power -- the protestors are ALREADY chaining themselves to the fuel rods.

We, the American people, are not going to be satisfied with that. We want action NOW.

Because we don't understand why this is happening to us. We don't understand why the lights are suddenly going out -- not just in California, where you expect nutty things to happen -- but in the solid conservative Midwest, where people NEVER do anything nutty.

Nobody told us we couldn't buy giant personnel transports. Nobody warned us! Buy buy buy! The ads said. Now suddenly -- "we're not refining enough gasoline."

Nobody told us not to buy air conditioners, or not to buy computers. Now suddenly -- there's not enough electricity for our air conditioners or computers.

I thought there were smart people in the government whose job it was to forecast these things and warn us! 

We're going to have all these investigations now trying to figure out who's to blame for misplacing the FBI files for a guy who everyone KNOWS is guilty.

How about we find the files that were supposed to warn us about the blackouts?

Who misplaced those?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MARIJUANA
Moved: 5/15/2001 7:45
CBS-MARIJUANA 5/15/2001

Protecting the sick. This is DR...

I'm sure you've seen the stories in your newspaper -- the stories of the people who are finally being protected from marijuana by the Supreme Court's latest ruling against medical marijuana.

In my local paper here in Seattle -- there's a picture of Brad Waugh, walking out of a marijuana cooperative holding a little paper bag in one hand, and a cane in the other.

He has Multiple Sclerosis, and his quote in the caption says "If I didn't have this crap, I wouldn't be able to walk."

Well, not true, Mr. Waugh -- not according to the Supreme Court. You may think it's helping, but the Justices assure you it is not.

And the same goes for Demaris Strohm, who says she either smokes or eats a little every day to treat her migraine headaches, and help her appetite.

And for those AIDS patients and cancer patients who plan to ignore the Supreme Court's medical advice. These people are lucky they're still walking free -- those that are able to walk that is.

Don't they understand that no matter what they think -- and no matter what their doctors think, the law states that marijuana is NOT helping them?

That's why it's the SUPREME court. Because it knows what Brad Waugh needs better than Brad Waugh does!

Indeed, instead of criticizing this ruling, Brad Waugh should seek to use the awesome power of the court to his advantage!

Brad Waugh should immediately hire an attorney and petition the justices to issue a ruling immediately overturning his Multiple Sclerosis. They might see fit to do it.

After vigorous oral arguments, of course.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CONSPIRACY
Moved: 5/15/2001 7:45
CBS-CONSPIRACY 5/15/2001

John Doe #2. This is DR...

As more FBI documents surface in the McVeigh case, inquiring minds want to know -- could they contain more information on John Doe Number 2?

That's the shadowy figure who according to some witnesses was with Timothy McVeigh in the days before the Oklahoma City bombing. The FBI issued a sketch. It appeared night after night on television.

McVeigh himself insists there was no such person. -- Said it again in a letter to the Houston Chronicle, flatly stating he did it himself.

But the memory of John Doe #2 will not fade. McVeigh's first lawyer, Stephen Jones, believes in him -- believes he was with McVeigh when he rented the truck, and may have been blown up with it. Terry Nichols -- who was convicted of conspiracy -- believes in him too, and his attorneys hope to find many references to Mr. Doe in those documents.

Could THAT be why the documents were withheld so long. But if that was the reason, why are they being released now? If the FBI had just kept them quiet, we would never have known.

And of course there are the Internet conspiracy theorists who are convinced that there is not only a John Doe #2, but 3, 4, 5, 6 -- whole divisions of Does hidden in the woods awaiting the signal to rise up and fight -- and that the FBI withheld these documents to cover THAT up.

Or MAYBE... the FBI had information the John Does WERE planning to rise up May 16th, and needed some way to put off the execution date until they could prepare to meet the threat, and they hit upon the strategy of suddenly discovering all those documents.

On the other hand, it might just have been a screw up.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS POLYGAMY
Moved: 5/15/2001 5:31
CBS-POLYGAMY 5/14/2001

The State of Utah versus Tom Green. This is DR...

Tom Green is on trial in Salt Lake City for having five wives and 29 children. 

As a result he is now on trial for bigamy and non-support in a case that supposedly will determine whether you can practice polygamy in Utah and get away with it.

Of course the answer to that is YES: no one's been prosecuted for it in fifty years and thousands of Mormon fundamentalists still do it. But they generally do it in secret. Tom Green went on talk shows. He held news conferences. He posed for newspaper photographers. 

And THAT just won't do in a state where polygamy is officially unconstitutional. When you're doing something unconstitutional, you should at least have the decency to be ashamed of yourself.

But not Tom Green. There's one newspaper photo where he's standing with his five wives in front of their trailers in the Utah desert, and all the women are SMILING.

Here's a man sleeping with five different women, and they're all SMILING. -- Sleeping with five different women, who all live in trailers in the Utah desert, and they're all SMILING.

Tom Green is not the first man in America to sleep with five women simultaneously. But most of the men who do it would never dream of gathering them together for a snapshot.

So Tom Green will go on trial, and his wives say they're ready for whatever happens. 

If their husband goes to prison, they'll earn licenses as commercial drivers and drive long-haul trucks, while their kids grow up without a father. 

And the prosecution will have done its job... it will have wiped the smiles off their faces.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MARIJUANA2
Moved: 5/15/2001 5:31
CBS-MARIJUANA 5/14/2001

No pot today. This is DR...

The U-S Supreme Court has ruled that the federal law against marijuana use applies to everyone -- no exceptions. Even if you're ill, and you think pot helps your symptoms, it is NOT medicine, and if you smoke it, you can be arrested.

At issue was the California proposition which allows doctors to prescribe marijuana as medicine for AIDS patients and others who say it helps the nausea of chemotherapy.

But the Supreme Court has confirmed that under federal law, Marijuana has NO redeeming medicinal use. No matter what the people of California say. Or the people of Alaska, Colorado, Maine, Nevada, Oregon, and Washington.

The Supreme Court had no choice, because as Justice Thomas wrote for the majority -- ''It is clear from the text of the act that Congress has made a determination that marijuana has no medical benefits worthy of an exception."

What I found remarkable, is not so much the ruling itself, but the vote. It was unanimous -- 8-0, and it probably would have been 9-0 except one Justice withdrew because his brother is one of the lower court judges who ruled on the case.

In other words, unlike election laws, which are very vague, and lead to contentious 5-4 decisions; unlike affirmative action laws which are very vague, and lead to contentious 5-4 decisions -- there is one kind of law that Congress is very good at writing clearly.

Laws that spell out what kind of dried leaf people are allowed to smoke.

So it's back to square one for the legalization folks. You have your work cut out for you. You know, if you could find some way to use marijuana as a motor fuel, it would be legalized overnight.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TERRORISM
Moved: 5/11/2001 7:44
CBS-TERRORISM 5/10/2001

Guarding against terrorists. This is DR...

I hate it when Congress holds hearings on terrorism. Oh, I appreciate that they're setting up an office of National Preparedness to make sure everyone's ready for terrorist attacks, but just saying that means that we're NOT.

I HATE hearing that. It's always the same at these hearings -- expert after expert gets up there and says, even if we build a working anti-missile system, there may be no way to stop a boat bomb, or a truck bomb, or a backpack bomb, or a germ bomb, and the customs inspectors can't inspect everything coming in, so we need rapid response teams.

And all this is broadcast on TV! Why don't we just give Osama Bin Laden a road map?

I'm really glad everyone wants to protect me from terrorist, but in the meantime, I'm petrified. 

Plus, we all know what the result of these hearings will be -- Congress will take all the testimony from the experts, then a group of people will hole up in a room for six months to write a huge report on exactly what to do in case of terrorist attack, and I know exactly what it'll say: Page one -- DROP THIS REPORT AND RUN LIKE HELL!

I find one source of consolation however -- watching what's been going on in California this week, rush-hour traffic jammed as traffic lights go dark, factories shutting down because of the latest rolling blackouts -- I have hope that perhaps it won't have to be as the terrorism experts predict. 

We may not have to worry about some rogue weapon being smuggled into our midst.

Why should a terrorist bother with a suitcase bomb, when all he has to do is sneak around the country selling AIR CONDITIONERS and the whole place will go dark!

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS MASSACHUSETTS
Moved: 5/11/2001 7:44
CBS-MASSACHUSETTS 5/11/2001

Pregnant and proud. This is DR...

You just can't tell the parties apart anymore. Here's Governor Jane Swift of Massachusetts, about to give birth to twins, trying to balance work and family from a hospital bed, bravely blazing a new trail for working mothers, running the state by Speakerphone -- and what political party is she in? She's a Republican.

And who's challenging her ability to rule? Who voted this week to seek a court opinion on whether Governor Jane Swift should be allowed to remain in power while pregnant? A body called the Governor's Council -- led by the Democratic Secretary of State, composed entirely of democrats.

Yes! Democrats seeking to yank a woman's job out from under her as she sits in a hospital waiting to deliver twins.

This is so confusing to us voters! 

It was left to State Republican Party officials to defend the honor of working women, and THIS working woman in particular, pointing out that Governor Swift is hardly the only chief executive officer in the country who conducts meetings over the phone.

The democrats were so ham handed on this one that even the National Organization for Women has sided with the Republicans.

It even came out that following a mail fraud conviction, a past mayor of Boston conducted the city's business from a jail cell. 

I know why the Democrats are overreaching like this -- the party needs every advantage it can get, and the prospect of twin Republicans being born is more than they can take.

But it's time to swallow hard and remember that you are supposed to be sticking up for working mothers. The Secretary of State should volunteer to be her breathing coach.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GEORGE WILL
Moved: 5/11/2001 7:44
CBS-GEORGE WILL 5/11/2001

It all depends on what the meaning of WORK is. This is DR...

Columnist George Will presented an eloquent defense of the anti-missile system, despite the President's admission that it might not completely work.

News reports noted that the President's people are willing to go ahead with a system even if it does not completely work." A statement met with some skepticism by missile opponents.

But George Will poses a question: "What do such people mean by the verb "work?" he asks. And he writes, "Even less than perfect missile defenses can serve the same function."

See, that's the point I keep trying to make.

Defensive missile systems are built for the express purpose of NOT being used. No country has ever fired a nuclear missile against another, and the idea is to keep it that way.

So George Will dares to pose this Clintonesque query - what do we mean by "work."

In the world of missiles, you see, as long as none are fired, even a missile that doesn't work may in reality be working!

But you see -- that's why the cost figures on this antimissile system are so PUZZLING to me. I keep hearing 60 billion dollars. That leads me to believe that someone is still clinging to this idea that they have to build a missile system that works in the OLD sense of the word.

-- When what we need is a missile system that works in the NEW sense of the word, as in: it really doesn't have to work, as long as it does the job.

60 billion for a missile systems that doesn't have to comletely work strikes me as high. I would think you could get a good non-working missile system for HALF that.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS McVEIGH
Moved: 5/11/2001 7:44
CBS-McVEIGH 5/11/2001

Saved by a screw-up. This is DR...

The Justice Department recommends Timothy McVeigh not get the needle Wednesday. And there will be people saying that this delay is ridiculous! The man is a monster and he admits he's guilty! But that's not what this is about.

The unreleased evidence the FBI has just discovered isn't a few piece of shrapnel. It's 3,135 documents from 46 FBI offices. Photographs, correspondence, tapes. And it all probably proves that Timothy McVeigh is still guilty.

But the fact remains that the defense was supposed to get it, and didn't.

And the world is watching us here. 

The world is watching a President whose home state executes a LOT of convicts, and justified it by saying during the campaign that every one of them (QUOTE) "had full access to the courts."

The world is watching because rightly or wrongly, the US just got kicked off the United Nations Commission on Human Rights.

The world is watching because the United States has repeatedly scolded China for the way it treats prisoners. In China, counter revolutionaries are tried in stadiums followed by summary execution, and evidence is not particularly important.

AND -- finally Timothy McVeigh is watching. Timothy McVeigh, who justified his crime on the grounds that our OWN government arbitrarily executes innocent people. 

There's only one thing that makes the death penalty different from murder: it is not arbitrarily imposed.

The United States government has to be better than China, better than the UN, and most important... better than Timothy McVeigh.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BOEING
Moved: 5/10/2001 11:10
CBS-BOEING 5/10/2001

Congratulations Chicago. Don't get too smug. This is DR...

In an operation shrouded in secrecy, the Boeing Corporate jet took off from Boeing Field here in Seattle, with three flight plans filed -- for Denver, Dallas, and Chicago. Restaurant reservations had been made in at least TWO cities to throw off the news media.

Corporate spokespersons resolutely stuck to a Sergeant Schultz refrain -- We Know Nothing.

The announcement wasn't official until it was made in mid-air by Boeing Chairman Phil Condit.

Chicago considers getting Boeing Headquarters to be a huge boost.

But be warned, Chicago -- consider the symbolism.

Why the mystery? Why the decoy flight plans? Clearly Condit is trying to say that this is not the OLD Boeing company. This is not the predictable Boeing company with just ONE flight plan, and just ONE direction. 

This is the NEW Boeing company. FLEXIBLE. Adaptable. THREE flight plans, going in MANY directions. Ready for change. So flexible that they wanted us to think that when that jet took off to the east it could suddenly veer south to Denver and then on final approach, suddenly pull up, and head off for Dallas.

And indeed, by making the announcement in mid-air, I think what Phil Condit is saying is that the Boeing Corporation is SO flexible, there will BE no earthbound headquarters -- like the Strategic Air command used to do -- he will always keep one corporate jet in the air at all times, carrying a company officer.

I can see the image ads: "Boeing -- Always Airborne."

So don't get your hopes up, Chicago. You may just be a convenient place to re-fuel.

And get great take-out pizza.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BRAZILL
Moved: 5/10/2001 5:51
CBS-BRAZILL 5/09/2001

He only wanted to talk. This is DR...

Supposedly our kids grow up seeing some unbelievable number of people shot on television. But the trial of Nathaniel Brazill has revealed a startling fact. Despite all that indoctrination, they still don't understand what guns are designed to do!

The young Mr. Brazill shot his English Teacher to death, but told the court that's NOT why he brought the gun that day!

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>BRAZILL 1
Time: 5s
Title: Nathaniel Brazill
In-cue: Why did you take out gun?
Out-cue: Plan on using it]

Even when he aimed it at teacher Barry Grunow, he didn't intend to kill anybody.

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>BRAZILL 2
Time: 5s
Title: Nathaniel Brazill
In-cue: Why did you take out the gun
Out-cue: Talk to 'em]

That's why he put the bullets in the gun. That's why he aimed the gun. That's why he pulled back the hammer. Not to KILL his teacher, but to communicate with his teacher. A teacher he liked. The idea of killing the man never crossed his mind:

Until the gun fired:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS 197 TEACHER KILLED
Time: 14s
Out-cue: I RAN]

I was scared, I ran. 

Strange he should run, because in his mind, it was an accident. He had done nothing wrong! He had brought the gun into school not as a weapon, but as a communications tool. A conversation-starter. He only wanted to talk. Why should he even consider the gun dangerous? After all, it was right there in his grandfather's bedroom. Stored ... in a cookie box.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GAYS
Moved: 5/10/2001 5:50
CBS-GAYS 5/9/2001

It's never too late to change. This is DR... 

And according to a new study, that applies to gay people as well.

Doctor Robert Spitzer, a professor of psychiatry at Columbia, SAYS gay PEOPLE WHO REALLY WANT TO GO STRAIGHT, can. 

He interviewed 200 MEN AND WOMEN who claimed they had changed their orientation from gay to heterosexual. And after spending about 45 minutes on the phone which each of them, he concluded that 66% of the men and 44 per cent of the women were now heterosexual, and happy about it.

Gay rights groups, of course, don't believe it, but Dr. Spitzer says gays who go straight ought to be taken at their word:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS 107 SEX ORIENTATION
Time: 17s
Out-cue: IT UP]

And he has a point doesn't he?

THINK OF IT! This means people -- who everyone THINKS are irreversibly gay -- may NOT be.

The Boy Scouts can relax -- the scoutmaster who says he's gay may only THINK he's gay. He may NOT be gay! So he can run the meetings again!

The US Military can relax. A recruit may hang out at a gay bar, but he may not be gay in his heart.

And now that we have a study indicating that homosexuality is a choice, we need another study. A study into whether homophobia is a choice. 

Personally, I think that people who REALLY WANT TO, CAN get over their homophobia, but perhaps Dr. Spitzer will call them up and find out for sure.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CINCINNATI
Moved: 5/8/2001 7:48
CBS-CINCINNATI 5/08/2001

An indictment in Cincinnati This is DR....

In Cincinnati, Officer Stephen Roach, who fired a fatal shot at a fleeing suspect, has been indicted by a grand jury. 

The fleeing suspect was 19 year old Timothy Thomas, who had 14 outstanding warrants against him, but was unarmed at the time he was shot. The grand jury could have charged the officer with murder if it thought the evidence was there, but it came back with charges of negligent homicide, and obstruction of official business.

Some people think that it was only the rain that started falling after the indictment came down that kept the demonstrations peaceful.

Negligent homicide means the officer was wrong to shoot Thomas, but at least THOUGHT he was doing it to protect himself -- and that doesn't satisfy people in Cincinnati who think the police department has it in for black males.

But Mayor Charles Leukens said the system needs a chance to work:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS 164 CINCY
Time: 6s
Out-cue: IS DONE]

The dead boy's mother said the system is the problem:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS 86 CINCY VIOLENCE
Time: 8s
Out-cue: BEING DONE]

So the choice seems to be -- do you trust the justice system or not?

But that really isn't the choice. You HAVE to trust the justice system. What's the alternative? The alternative is the riots we saw right after the shooting.

If the justice system is screwed up, it needs to be fixed -- which doesn't get the headlines that riots do -- but if you don't trust the justice system, about the only alternative is to pray for rain.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CALIFORNIA
Moved: 5/8/2001 7:47
CBS-CALIFORNIA 5/8/2001

Don't be discouraged. This is DR...

We're a week away from getting the President's new energy policy, and we're getting a few clues about what will be in it. It will include some incentives for conservation but according to spokesman Ari Fleisher, the President is not going to adopt a policy that will disrupt the lives of Americans.

In fact, when reporters asked him whether this energy crisis should change American lifestyles, he answered "That's a big NO." He was EMPHATIC that the American Way of life is going to be protected. 

And he has a point -- the world is watching! And it wouldn't do to have them laughing at us.

Now I know it gets discouraging -- especially in California -- when you're busy pursuing the American Way of life and suddenly there's no electricity.

But we must all stand firm! We must not let a little thing like a blackout change our lifestyles! 

It is your duty as an American and as a practitioner of the American lifestyle to preserve it -- no matter what! If the traffic lights don't work, pretend they do. If the coffee machine stops working, pretend it does: press the button, visualize the coffee filling the cup, and drink it convincingly. If the elevator stops, pretend you don't notice. 

If you're at home, flip on the air conditioner and marvel at how quietly it operates.

Let's all practice this phrase "BLACKOUT? WHAT BLACKOUT?" Try it: (GROUP) BLACKOUT? WHAT BLACKOUT?

Very convincing.

And as for the two-dollar gas -- tell yourself it's a typo! And normally you'd point it out to the station owner, but you're too busy pursuing the American lifestyle to bother just now.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS GAMBLING
Moved: 5/4/2001 7:52
CBS-GAMBLING 5/4/2001

Gamblers get a free ride. This is DR...

The Senate is now considering making betting on college games illegal - and the gaming industry is worried. Despite fierce lobbying, the bill survived a committee vote and is on the way to the full Senate.

Opponents of the bill say it's completely misguided. They point out that the vast majority of sports betting is done illegally anyway, outside Nevada, and that Nevada's regulated sportsbetting industry helps law enforcement detect pointshaving scams.

Making even Nevada's sports betting illegal would just force it underground. Nevada is threatening to sue if the bill becomes law. 

The NCAA, on the other hand, wants to stop gambling on college sports because they're worried athletes might do it -- and of course there are the people who think it's a moral issue ... blah blah blah.

Do you know how much money is spent on sports gambling each year? $350 BILLION dollars. Most of it illegal. The legal Nevada gamblers only wager about 2.5 billion.

They should just legalize it everywhere -- and charge ROYALTIES.

TV and radio pay huge fees to carry sports - but the bookies get a free ride.

They wouldn't exist without the game, but they don't pay a penny for the rights.

It's like Napster, isn't it. Making use of someone else's hard work without paying for it -- and we all know what's happening to Napster.

Congress might as well just legalize sports betting, and then require the bookies to pay a hefty royalty to the teams. Better yet -- give the taxpayers a little breather -- put the money into a stadium fund.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MISSILE DEFENSE
Moved: 5/4/2001 7:52
CBSMissile Defense 5/4/2001

Oh, those skeptics. This is Dave Ross.

Some of the scientists who've been going over President Bush's missile plan are saying it just can't be done.

Even experts who support it acknowledge that no one quite knows which theory of missile defense will best defend us against the rogue nations of the world, and they admit that the earliest any working system could be in place is around 2008.

Which means the rogue nations of the world have at least seven years to work their mischief.

And during that time, if I were a rogue nation, you know what I'd do? I'd come up with an anti-antimissile missile. Yup. I'd announce that I was directing my best rogue scientists to design a rogue missile that was one BAD boy rogue missile. A missile that could detect anti missile missiles approaching, and destroy them with ANTIantimissilemissiles -- that would launch right from the main missile.

And even if I had no way of getting this antiantimissilemissile to work, just the possibility that it COULD work would throw everyone into confusion. They would then have to design an anti-anti-ANTI -- well, you see the problem.

There is no escaping it. Until the scientists figure this all out, we are going to have to give rogue nations good reasons NOT to bomb us. I think the key is to get them to invest in really expensive American real estate in the heart of our largest cities. They could never bomb us then.

We could also draft their ball players.

Japan used to be a rogue nation. But now we have their best batter and a couple of their best pitchers right there in the American League. They can't touch us.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SLOW BUDGET
Moved: 5/4/2001 7:52
CBS-SLOW-BUDGET 5/4/2001

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

Dateline WASHINGTON: The brand new federal budget had to be yanked from the floor of the House in the wee hours of Friday morning when Republicans learned that two pages of it were missing.

The missing pages were the ones that included the most controversial part of the budget -- namely, the details of the 1.35 billion dollar tax cut.

Said the Republicans responsible for the document, it was a simple mistake, and the vote will be rescheduled for Tuesday.

Said representative Jerrold Nadler, Democrat of New York, the delay until Tuesday will (QUOTE) "allow us to read this budget."

Let's take that REAL SLOW:

The delay will "allow us to read this budget."

So in other words, members of the House now plan to READ the federal budget, before voting on it. 

Whereas, if the budget had been put together correctly the first time -- and if everything HAD gone smoothly, and according to plan, without mistakes of any kind, House members were all set to pass the budget the way they had planned to along, WITHOUT READING IT.

I see! Of course! If they READ this stuff they probably wouldn't get ANYTHING done. Once again, the news makes a LOT more sense when you read it REAL slow.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BLANKS SURVIVOR
Moved: 5/4/2001 7:52
CBS-BLANKS-SURVIVOR 5/4/2001

And now -- it's time to Fill in the Blanks. This is DR...

Here it is, Fill In The Blanks, where I read a story that you've heard way too many times, and you get the chance to play along at home by simply filling in the ... BLANKS.

Today's subject, television.

In a blockbuster two hour broadcast, the world learned that the winner of Survivor, the Outback is ... TINA. 

Tina is a nurse from ...TENNESSEE. And she is ...VERY CHARMING. She is so charming that everybody watching the show... KNEW SHE WOULD WIN. But they still watched for the full two hours because they wanted to... BE SURE.

And because they knew that if they didn't watch, they would have... NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT TODAY.

Had he been a little smarter, the winner might well have been... COLBY, but he came in second, which means that after this week, Colby goes back to being... A KIND OF CHEESE.

The other contestants say Tina won because she ... PLAYED THE GAME BETTER THAN ANYBODY ELSE. However, she also happens to look great in a... BATHING SUIT.

Even while ... STARVING.

In fact, most of the Survivor contestants... LOOK GREAT IN A BATHING SUIT.

The reason the next edition of Survivor will be in Africa is because, in Africa... YOU MIGHT NOT EVEN NEED A BATHING SUIT.

The winners will now be going on the... LECTURE CIRCUIT, because even though the lecture circuit features a lot of ... RUBBER CHICKEN, these people will ... EAT ANYTHING THAT ISN'T RICE.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MISSILE2
Moved: 5/3/2001 7:34
CBS-MISSILE2 5/02/2001 

The world is getting safer by the day. This DR...

The President is going ahead with a defensive missile shield to protect us all from rogue attacks -- attacks from the kinds of nations who still use those old-fashioned polluting bullets.

And I know that many people are skeptical about this. Many people recall that Reagan and Clinton both tried to get an anti-missile system, and nothing came of it.

However, according to the New York Times, defense officials say that Mr. Bush's anti-missile proposals are more likely to lead to actual deployment of a system for THREE reasons:

Number one, technological advances;

Number two, it's been scaled back;

and Number Three (QUOTING now from the Times) "the Bush team is willing to put something in the field as soon as possible, even if it does not completely work."

"Even if it does not completely work."

You see, that's the key phrase, because it's clear from our experience with new weapons systems that a real sticking point in getting them deployed has been insisting that they completely work.

Remember the DIVAD anti-aircraft gun which was designed to automatically shoot down helicopters -- except that in a test it took aim at a latrine fan instead?

They killed whole system! Just because it didn't completely work!

So the president has the right idea.

We are never going to get a missile system if we insist that it work completely.

And don't forget -- the purpose of having an anti-missile system or ANY missile system is deterrence -- so you DON'T ever have to use it.

SO it really doesn't have to work AT ALL. We just have to trick those rogue nations into THINKING it does.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DEATH TAPES
Moved: 5/3/2001 7:34
CBS-DEATH TAPES 5/3/2001

The death penalty on tape. This is DR...

"Dispassionate" is the word being used to describe the execution tapes aired by National Public Radio. NPR broadcast excerpts from audio recording of 23 electrocutions carried out in Georgia.

One of them, was the 1984 execution of Ivon Ray Stanley - sentenced to death for killing Clifford Floyd.

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>ROSS-EXECUTE
Time: 6s
Out-cue: ]

It is pretty cold and clinical, isn't it?

But what does this tell us?

It tells us that the State of Georgia kept an audio record of its executions, so there would be no question about how they were carried out.

We do indeed hear a man being deliberately killed. Deliberately killed after a trial based on the presentation of evidence, and after being given a chance to prepare himself.

To be a balanced journalistic presentation, shouldn't these tapes should be run side by side with tapes of what brought the condemned man into the death chamber? The tapes of the crimes? A few of them do exist - and we've heard them: 

Those 911 tapes with the frightened voices -- sometimes children crying in the background. The plea for help -- please send someone. Then a shot, maybe a scream, then silence.

If Americans need to hear the sound of the STATE carrying out the death penalty, then don't they also need to hear the sound of the MURDERER carrying out the death penalty?

Let's remember that what Ivon Ray Stanley did was rob a man beat him, and then bury him alive.

I don't imagine that would be a comforting sound either.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS SLOW TATOOS
Moved: 5/2/2001 7:32
CBS-SLOW-TATOOS 5/02/2001

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

Today's subject -- how to tell if your child may be developing unhealthy habits. This is from the Associated Press.

Dateline: (Rochester, New York-AP) A new study shows tattooed teens are more likely to smoke, drink and have premarital sex.

The upstate New York study looked are more than six-thousand kids in junior high and high schools. The researchers say doctors can use tattoos as a trigger to discuss smoking and drinking with their young patients.

And they say the tattoos could be a sign that parents should talk to their teens as well. 

Let's take that Real Slow:

Tattoos could be a sign that parents should talk to their teens ... about smoking and drinking. 

Hmmmm. 

I see -- so before we had the benefit of this research, when your 14 year old came home with a tattoo, say, in the middle of his forehead, the typical parent would have simply said -- "well son, that's one of the nicer satanic symbols I've seen."

But now that we have this research, the typical parent, seeing his 14 year old with a tattoo will say "son, I see you've permanently disfigured yourself, but you better not be smoking or drinking!" (THEME)

You see? The news always makes more sense when you read it REAL SLOW.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS McDONALDS
Moved: 5/2/2001 7:32
CBS-McDONALDS 5/02/2001

The less you know the better. This is DR...

A lawyer in Seattle has filed a class action lawsuit against McDonald's on behalf of vegetarians. It's not about hamburgers, or the chicken nuggets; it's about the FRENCH FRIES.

You see, even though McDonald's fries its fries in 100% vegetable oil, the thing that actually makes them taste good is a "natural flavor additive." 

Lawyer Harish Bharti says he has proof the additive is made from beef. And that, he says, is a big problem for those religious vegetarians who believe cows are sacred.

Well, he may have a point, but this suit is bad news. Because almost every prepared food has additives, and you frankly don't want to know what they are.

For example, author Eric Schlosser recently published a best seller called "Fast Food Nation" in which he describes a natural color additive.

The additive is considered natural because it comes from the Dactylopius coccus Costa -- a Peruvian insect. (And one of the cash crops from Peru that we DO allow into this country.) 

The insect feeds on red cactus berries, which colors the unhatched larvae inside the females.

This is dried out, ground up, and helps make certain red foods and drinks look -- well, natural.

Completely harmless, but it's not spelled out on the label. Possibly because the phrase "Contains dried insect parts" doesn't move merchandise.

So this is all to say that, not only is it difficult to be a vegetarian these days -- unless you grow your own food, it's difficult to be a fussy eater of any kind.

But here's the good news: McDonald's french fries may contan beef flavoring - but at least they aren't red.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CHARLIE WARD
Moved: 5/1/2001 9:06
CBS-CHARLIE WARD 4/26/2001

God and the NBA. This is DR...

The New York Times Magazine was doing a team profile for the NBA playoffs, and to enhance readers' understanding of the sport, the Times of course had to find out what the players do in private while they're on the road.

And it turns out one of the things Charlie Ward of the New York Knicks does while he's on the road is hold bible classes with fellow Christians.

Writer Eric Konigsberg attended these classes, and because he's Jewish, the players asked him about his Jewish heritage.

At one, point, according to the article, Ward asked why did the Jews persecute Jesus unless he knew something they didn't want to accept. "They had blood on their hands," he said. "There are Christians getting persecuted by Jews every day," he said. "There's been books written about this -- people who are raised Jewish and find Christ, and then their parents stop taking to them."

See, the rule for sports journalists should be -- talk to athletes about SPORTS. The minute the conversation strays from SPORTS, turn the tape recorder OFF.

But no, that's the good stuff, so Charlie Ward has been rebuked by the commissioner of the NBA and has apologized, saying he did not intend to offend anyone.

Who's right? I don't know.

But what I DO know is -- we don't need to KEEP debating who's responsible for killing Christ. Because if you're Christian, you believe his death was temporary, right? Had there been a murder prosecution, the charges would had to have been dismissed on appeal.

Oh, for the good old days when NBA players spent their time on the road doing non-controversial things like having wanton sex.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ENERGY
Moved: 5/1/2001 7:43
CBS-ENERGY 5/01/2001

The vice president says the unthinkable. This is DR...

Dick Cheney has said the unthinkable -- to solve the energy crisis, America needs more energy.

Not only did he talk about drilling among the Caribou in Alaska, he mentioned the words "nuclear power."

He signalled a total reversal of the policies of the past 20 years. No more of this "doing more with less," it's time to do more with more.

We need more oil drilling, more pipelines, and more power plants -- one new power plant a week, EVERY week, for the next twenty years. And those should include not only nuclear plants but COAL burning plants, said the vice president.

They were words that in an earlier time would have cause the ground beneath him to crack and swallow him whole.

But this time, it appears that most Americans are ready to say -- he's right!

Look around you on the road -- for years we've been buying vehicles designed to transport a caribou, not to save it.

No, there will be no SUV buyback program in America; we love 'em too much. And we love our recessed lighting, and our ice-cube makers, and our electric dryers.

And so the day is coming when every home will have a view of a cooling tower -- and we'll love it!

Actually, I think the tide began to turn with the introduction of water-saving toilets. People began to say, if THIS is the price of environmental responsibility, forget it.

The good news is that according to a news dispatch today, experiments on mice with severe lung damage indicate that inhaling carbon monoxide can actually SAVE their lives. Good news for he mice, because we're going to have plenty.

Well, we'll have a plentiful supply.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TEACHERS STRIKE
Moved: 5/1/2001 7:43
CBS-TEACHERS STRIKE 5/01/2001

Teachers on strike. Thsi is DR...

More teachers are on strike -- this time a one-day strike in Seattle -- part of a series of rolling walkouts to show that teachers are fed up with lousy salaries.

In Washington state last year, voters passed not one but TWO initiatives designed to pump more money into education, but ALAS, those initiatives neglected to say where the money would come from. So the legislature felt free to improvise, and it just shifted money around, giving teachers the exact pay increase promised by law, but then taking it back by removing money from OTHER educational programs.

So voters who thought they were supporting teachers demands get rolling walkouts instead.

Teachers walk out from time to time, because everywhere it's the same story. No matter what state you're in -- the process is the same: huge amounts of education taxes going in, teeny weeny teacher salaries trickling out.

Why don't teachers just demand that the state's education money just go directly to THEM. 

You figure the typical state spends around 6,000 per pupil on education. So if you have twenty five students in a classroom, that represents 150,000 dollars.

So just cut a check for the teacher for $150,000. Teacher pays the classroom rent, buys the books, buys the chalk, buys the Kleenex for runny little noses -- and what's left over is salary.

Every kid gets a standard test, and those who fail -- teacher has to teach those kids free.

There you go! Completely transparent, no need for more legislation, no complaints about vanishing money. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SPACE TITO
Moved: 5/1/2001 7:43
CBS-SPACE-TITO 4/30/2001

Having the time of his life. This is DR...

It looks like the Russians have beat us again. 

-- First orbiting satellite with Sputnik
-- First man into space with Yuri Gagarin
-- And now, the first paying tourist with Dennis Tito.

NASA didn't want him up there - but the Russians didn't much care what NASA thought. Dennis Tito's $20 million pays not just for his seat, but for the entire cost of his launch.

And this is no small thing, what the Russians have pulled off. Space flight -- something everyone wants to do, right? For a rich guy, no price is too high!

Well, let's consider the reality. If you look past the headlines that say "Space Tourist Feels Great In Orbit" you find this line: 

"Russian mission control said Tito had been unwell Sunday ... Motion sickness is common even among professional spacemen..."

What this is saying is, the first thing that happens when you go into space is -- you HURL. Everybody hurls. What must THAT be like strapped in a chair with a helmet on?

And now that he feels great, what's he going to do for six days? I quote from the New York Times: "He plans to make videos of earth while listening to opera and the Beatles on his CD player." Oh yes - if he gets bored, he can watch the on-board experiments, which will include studying the crystalline formations of charged particles in plasma under low gravity conditions. The Blue Man group does that in their act, right?

Here's the bottom line -- the Russians got an American businessman to pay $20 million for the privilege of feeling ill, and listening to his own CDs.

The American side tried to stop it.

So you tell ME which country's going to win the space race.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DODGE BALL
Moved: 5/1/2001 7:43
CBS-DODGE BALL 4/30/2001

Sports and self-esteem. This is DR...

Here it is again - schools are worried about their students' self-esteem and how phys-ed might be harming it. Therefore, not only is dodge ball dying out, but so is picking sides for team sports.

You've already heard about the death of dodge ball -- now the progressive schools use NON-student targets. Which of course means its isn't dodge ball anymore. It's just ... BALL, I guess.

And in it's place, in-line skating, weight training, tumbling, and how to balance a bean bag on your head.

But the ultimate in progressive Physical Education is at Sawgrass Springs, Florida, where not only is dodge ball banned, but the old way of picking teams is banned. You remember the old way -- the gym teacher, a former marine drill sergeant with a whistle, would choose the two best athletes to be captains, and they would pick until the three shortest kids were left, and then the draft suddenly stopped.

Well, at Sawgrass Springs, there are four or five captains who alternate between boys and girls so no one is left out.

This saves everyone's self-esteem. But you see the point that these progressive programs are missing? Sports is NOT about self-esteem!

For a sport to be a sport, someone has to lose! At least half the time, sports is about losing. Defeat, rejection, disappointment. Even if you're good, someone else is always better. Sports is about two outs, bases loaded, your team behind by one run -- and it's your turn to bat, the kid who was picked last, and you swing, and you miss, and now they HATE you even more!

But kids NEED that experience. It may be a bean bag gym class, but it's a dodge ball world.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MISSILE
Moved: 5/1/2001 7:23
CBS-MISSILE 5/18/2000

Bull's eye. This is DR...

Yet another scientist is saying the Pentagon's anti-missile system won't work. Theodore A. Postol, professor of science and national security studies, says that his examination of the test data indicates the system will probably never be able to tell the difference between a real warhead and a decoy.

He joins the American Physical Society and the Union of Concerned Scientists which in saying the tests are bad news.

But Dr. Postol goes farther. He says the Pentagon has deliberately doctored the data to make it look like the system could work when they know full well that it never will.

That they faked the data is a serious accusation, but have you considered that, in the crazy world of missile defense, it could also be a strategy? Remember -- strategic missiles are not like other weapons. Most weapons are designed to be used. Missile systems are designed NOT to be used. They are designed to create doubt and fear. But the only way they can create doubt and fear is if the enemy THINKS they work. 

Now this is easy with regular nuclear weapons -- you blow a few up.

But anti-missile systems are more difficult. It's hard to convince people you've got one that works unless you actually shoot a warhead out of the sky.

The trouble is, it may be technically impossible to shoot a missile out of the sky. Sooo, if you can't actually shoot a missile out of the sky, the next best thing to do would be just to CONVINCE everybody that you can shoot a missile out of the sky.

Maybe THAT's what's going on.

Maybe somebody's thinking: that a lie that works is better than a system that doesn't.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS KERREY
Moved: 4/27/2001 7:42
CBS-KERREY 4/27/2001

Something worse than smoking pot. This is DR...

The Pentagon MAY now re-examine whether former Nebraska Senator Bob Kerrey should keep his bronze star.

The bronze star was for an attack on a place called Thanh Phong in 1969; the citation says Kerrey's company of Navy Seals killed 21 Viet Cong and captured enemy weapons, which sounds pretty heroic. But now Kerrey says there was nothing heroic about it. Most of the people they killed that night turned out to be unarmed women and children and he is ashamed.

There is a dispute between the men who were there whether the victims died because the Seals fired blindly into the hamlet in a panic, or whether the villagers were deliberately rounded up and executed.

Kerrey denies they were rounded up, and says he can make a case that what he did was within the rules of war. That's the kind of war Vietnam was -- where even the good guys could behave the way only bad guys are supposed to. Enemies and friends looked exactly the same; you could justify annihilating whole villages on the grounds that children sometimes carried guns, and even unarmed peasants can be spies.

But we all know horrible things happened in Vietnam. Horrible things happen in every war. Why rehash this 32 years later? Is someone trying to torpedo a Kerrey presidential bid? Why can't we forget and move on? 

Well that's just it. People like you and ME can forget, because we have never been through anything approaching a massacre.

But those who went through it? It's a little more difficult for THEM to forget. The question is not whether the voters can move on, it's whether Senator Kerrey can.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FETUS PROTECTION
Moved: 4/27/2001 7:42
CBS-FETUS-PROTECTION 4/26/2001

Real protection for the fetus. This is DR.

With support from the White House, The House has passed a bill that would make it a federal crime to harm a fetus during an assault -- fetus being defined in broad terms to include fertilized eggs, zygotes, and embryos.

53 Democrats joined Republicans in voting for the bill -- because this was a bill that specifically does NOT prohibit abortion, but rather is directed at criminals who harm ``unborn children'' who are wanted by their mothers.

The only trouble I see is that the bill doesn't go far enough. Beating up a pregnant woman is already against the law. Beating up ANY innocent victim is against the law. This just gives extra jail time to people who are ALREADY going to jail! 

If you REALLY want to protect the fetus, you need to go after the people who are getting away with it, not some jerk who's going to jail anyway. Pass a bill to punish ANY ACT that harms an unborn child without the mother's permission. 

I wonder, for example, how many fertilized eggs, zygotes, and embryos end in miscarriage because of various forms of industrial pollution? 

How many zygotes are irreparably harmed by stray pesticide molecules, or something else in the water or in the air? When a pollutant or some chemical deliberately introduced into the environment ends the life of a zygote or a fetus -- shouldn't THAT be a federal crime too?

According to OSHA, some 70,000 chemicals in commercial use have never been tested for reproductive effects.

Clearly the reason is that no one ever gets prosecuted -- but I'll bet a few fetal death prosecutions would get the testers busy.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS DRUG STUDY
Moved: 4/27/2001 7:42
CBS-DRUG STUDY 4/26/2001

In the mood. This is DR...

Here you go parents -- another study on how to raise perfect children. 

A study of 128 children ages 6 to 17 found that children who are so shy or so attached to their parents that they are afraid to go to school or sleep alone do much better when given a psychiatric drug -- like Luvox. Luvox is typically prescribed for adults with depression -- but the study showed it can also work for kids who have social phobia, separation anxiety, and generalized anxiety.

What does THAT mean? Well, for example -- social phobia would be a child who feels intense discomfort participating in clubs and group events at school.

Separation anxiety -- that's a child who avoids birthday parties and sleepovers. Or a child who sometimes wants to get into bed with his parents. Generalized anxiety disorder? That's a kid who's very preoccupied with a test at school, or fusses about day-to-day things.

Notice something about these symptoms? Yes! EVERY KID HAS THEM! Well, I assume that a competent psychiatrist can distinguish between normal cases of anxiety and abnormal ones -- because SOME anxiety IS a normal part of life, isn't it? Tell me it is. This is making me anxious.

I don't know whether we should all be giving pills to anxious kids, but this study DOES make one thing clear -- every child needs a psychiatric exam, pronto. Otherwise he might not get his Luvox soon enough.

It's a good thing the CIA is shooting down those planes in Peru. We would certainly hate for kids to get hooked on illegal mood altering drugs -- especially now that we have LEGAL ones for them!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MARINERS
Moved: 4/27/2001 7:41
CBS-MARINERS 4/27/2001

Sweep! This is Dave Ross... from Seattle, home of the league-leading Seattle Mariners.

I admit up front to not being much of a sports fan, but I feel compelled to point out that the Seattle Mariners, a team once dismissed as not even belonging in the major leagues, are now 18-4 after sweeping the world champion New York Yankees IN the Bronx.

The Mariners -- they're the team with the household names like Jaime Moyer and Arthur Rhodes, and Brett Boone, and David Bell, and Ichiro Suzuki, and Edgar Martinez -- you're just not going to see them in Coke commercials.

No, the Mariners are more famous for who is NOT on the team. Pitching ace Randy Johnson -- dumped because he cost too much; Ken Griffey Junior - left for Cincinnati saying he wanted to be closer to his family in Florida. And of course, quarter of a billion dollar shortstop Alex Rodriguez, A-Rod, gone because Seattle couldn't afford BOTH him and a new light rail system.

And yet I can tell you that the fans here don't miss them! In fact when A-Rod and the Texas Rangers came to town, he was booed not just the first time he came up to bat, but EVERY time he came up to bat. And that bat was remarkably cold.

There is something stirring about seeing a $5000 swing missing all those $1000 pitches.

Now there are some stats showing that an 18-4 record this early in the season is no guarantee of a pennant. -- 1987 Brewers -- set the major league record by winning their first 13 in April, then blew it in May.

But did I mention that Mariner sweep? Yankee payroll is what -- 110 million? Of course New York already has a subway.

Now this 
Index 

CBS BUSH TAIWAN
Moved: 4/26/2001 7:38
CBS-BUSH-TAIWAN 4/26/2001

The art of ambiguity. This is DR.

Is the US willing to send American troops to defend Taiwan? For years American presidents have been deliberately ambiguous when that question comes up.

The problem is that even though Taiwan is basically independent from China, we only recognize ONE China. At the same time, we are very much against China invading Taiwan, which is why we have those surveillance planes flying around. But if Taiwan is part of China, then if China WERE to invade Taiwan, it would simply be invading itself, meaning it's none of our business.

That's why the US has adopted a policy of "strategic ambiguity, " which is diplo-talk for "haven't got a clue."

The trouble is the President evidently didn't get the memo.

He was asked whether he feels that if Taiwan were attacked by China, we would have an obligation to defend the Taiwanese. And he responded, "Yes we do, and the Chinese must understand that."

Asked if that meant with the full force of the American military, his answer was "Whatever it took to help Taiwan defend herself."

Unambiguous. Baaad.

Experts immediately concluded this was a change in policy. Never before has an American president been so UN-ambiguous about Taiwan.

So CNN asked him about it: does this signal a change in policy? And the President told CNN, NO. He stood by what he said, but he also said that what he said was no different than what any other president had said. Meanwhile, the State Department was basically telling reporters to ignore what he said.

You see what this means. Now our policy on Taiwan is SO ambiguous, our own GOVERNMENT isn't sure whether it's ambiguous or not!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SEATBELTS
Moved: 4/25/2001 7:41
CBS-SEATBELTS2 4/25/2001

Buckle up or get cuffed. This is DR...

Let me see if I can explain the Texas seat belt case.

It involves Gail Atwater of Lago Vista Texas who was driving her kids home from soccer, when a toy fell out of their pickup. The road appeared to be deserted, so Gail unbuckled the kids -- ages 4 and 6 -- and they leaned out the windows as she crawled along at about 15 miles an hour looking for the toy.

Officer Bart Turek pulled them over and asked Gail for license and insurance.

Said Gail, "My purse was stolen, officer."

Said he, "You're going to jail". She was cuffed right there in front of her kids, her truck was towed, and she was taken to a holding cell.

Gail sued,claiming that the Fourth Amendment protects her from unreasonable search and seizure. But the Supreme Court has now ruled, 5-4, that the officer was right. 

Justice Souter, who stood with the majority, said that although Ms. Atwater HAD been subjected to (QUOTE) "gratuitous humiliations" and "pointless indignity," what happened to her did not violate the Fourth Amendment.

And he's right -- if you check the amendment, it protects only against UNREASONABLE seizures. There is nothing about subjecting people to "gratuitous humiliation" and "pointless indignity" -- as long as it's reasonable. 

So UN-reasonable gratuitous humiliation and pointless indignity would be UN-constitutional, but reasonable gratuitous humiliation and reasonable pointless indignity would be fine.

Yeah - you're right , it makes no sense.

I think the court just found it refreshing that for once the police overreacted with a white person.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS DRUG PLANE SLOW
Moved: 4/25/2001 7:40
CBS-DRUG PLANE SLOW4/25/2001

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

We do this feature because sometimes you read a story that seems so outrageous that you think it's a typo -- except every newspaper you pick up has the SAME typo.

Today's subject: the latest explanation of why the missionary plane was shot down over Peru:

Dateline, Washington:

An audiotape made aboard a U.S. surveillance plane shows that its CIA crew expressed doubts about whether a civilian aircraft they were tracking was smuggling drugs ...

The tape also makes clear that the CIA crew members had difficulty communicating with the Peruvian liaison on the plane because they spoke little Spanish. One of the former CIA pilots said (QUOTE) "That's one of the fallacies of the whole program: the language barrier."

REAL SLOW:

"...the CIA crew members had difficulty communicating because they spoke little Spanish..."

So let's see -- they didn't get the memo informing them Peruvians speak Spanish? No...

It's just so difficult to find any Americans who speak Spanish these days?

Peru is very close to Brazil so they thought the language was PORTUGUESE?

Or - wait a minute - it IS a TYPO! The newspapers MUST have got it wrong! Because sending CIA people who don't speak Spanish to a Spanish speaking country would be... MORONIC! 
Index 

CBS SLOW WHITMAN
Moved: 4/25/2001 5:10
CBS-SLOW-WHITMAN 4/24/2001

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

Dateline, Washington: Earlier this year, the head of the EPA, Christie Whitman, said the administration would stand by its promise to reduce emissions of Carbon Dioxide. She was wrong. Later she found herself explaining how relaxing standards on arsenic in drinking water was good science.

And yesterday, at least she thought she got it right when she announced that the Bush Administration was dropping the idea of drilling among the Caribou in the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge.

But it turns out turns out the Administration DOES plan to recommend drilling among the Caribou in the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge. It's already sharpening the drill bits.

Asked to clarify, White House Spokesman Ari Fleischer says the problem is that Christie Whitman was speaking in "confusion." 

SLOW:

Christie Whitman was speaking in "confusion." 

In confusion -- what could a smart woman like her, cabinet official, head of the Environmental Protection Agency possibly be confused -- wait -- do you suppose you she thinks her job is PROTECTING THE ENVIRONMENT? No WONDER she's confused!

See? The news always makes more sense when you read it REAL SLOW.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS DRUG PLANE 2
Moved: 4/25/2001 5:10
CBS-DRUG-PLANE 4/24/2001

By the book. This is DR...

We're still not certain what went wrong over the skies of Peru. Even though the US had a surveillance plane right there, taping the whole thing; even though the Peruvian officer who gave the orders was right there ON that plane, the experts still can't agree on exactly why a Peruvian fighter pilot decided to shoot a Baptist Missionary plane out of the sky.

But we do know this: everybody followed procedure.

Peru's air force said it followed procedures "to the letter" when it shot the plane down. The Americans who watched the order being given said they did EVERYTHING they could to stop it. I don't know why you would do everything you could to stop an order if it was a proper order, as Peru claims it was, but when the officer gave the order to open fire, the American crew objected. 

How they objected, we don't know. One way to object when you see that a Peruvian military officer is about to give an order that he shouldn't give might be, for example, to yank the mike out of his hand -- since without US money there would probably BE no Peruvian Air Force to begin with. But the US procedure is apparently NOT to do anything that stops Peru from following Peruvian procedure.

So everybody followed procedure. That's why our anti-drug efforts on Peru have been officially described by the State Department as "successful."

In fact we are forced to conclude from all the official statements that the only people who didn't follow procedure are the missionaries, who had the bad manners to get shot down as part of a successful anti-drug program.

I guess they owe everybody an apology, don't they?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS DRUG PLANE
Moved: 4/25/2001 5:10
CBS-DRUG PLANE 4/23/2001

Who apologizes this time? This is DR...

Over the weekend we heard that a small plane was shot down by mistake over Peru. Fighter jets from Peru thought it was a drug plane. But it wasn't. It was a carrying missionaries -- had a dove painted on the side -- and the bullets didn't bring down bales of coca leaves -- they killed Veronica Bowers and her 7 month old adopted daughter Charity. That's the first story we got -- it seemed like a terrible mistake by some hot dog in the Peruvian Air Force.

Then we learned it was a United States surveillance plane that picked it out as a possible drug flight -- part of the anti-drug operation run out of the US Embassy in Lima. THEN we hear that the US surveillance plane, after pinpointing the target, told the fighter plane NOT to shoot it down.

Except not only did the fighter SHOOT it down, according to villagers, it shot at the survivors after they managed to land in the water.

A statement issued by American officials says: "The US crew was not in the Peruvian military chain of command, and had no authority or operational control over" the Peruvian officer.

So they're saying there was "no controlling authority." All Peru's fault.

But it turns out that the Peruvian officer in charge was ABOARD THE US SURVEILLANCE PLANE!

So NOW who apologizes?

The answer is -- no one has to.

Congress has taken care of that. Under a 1995 law, if an aircraft is "reasonably suspected of drug trafficking in a foreign country, the US, the foreign government, and the surveillance crew are absolved of liability."

So not only do they not have to apologize -- they can't even be sued for damages.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS GREEN BUSH
Moved: 4/24/2001 5:40
CBS-GREEN BUSH 4/20/2001

A new man. This is DR...

We have been witness to a transformation.

Everybody dismissed this president as being anti-environmental, and it certainly looked that way for the first few months of the administration.

In March he decided NOT to regulate Carbon Dioxide emissions from power plants because of the energy crisis, then a week later, he said mining companies didn't have to post bonds cover their cleanup costs, and a week after that he rejected the global warming treaty, then 11 days after that proposed making it tougher to get plants and animals on the endangered species list. And of course his famous decision to give arsenic a second chance as a drinking water additive.

It looked like Ralph Nader was right -- just a corporation dressed as a President.

But then in April something changed.

He came out in favor of regulating the mercury emitted by power plants. That was on April 10th. Six days later, he decided to leave in place a rule that would expand protection for wetlands. The day after that, he got tough on lead - saying that any plant releasing more than 100 pounds has to report it.

The day after that, he promised a new, and possibly TOUGHER stand on arsenic within nine months -- I know that's a long time, but they just want to be absolutely sure it's not a vitamin -- 

And finally, on Thursday, he supported a treaty that would ban PCBs, dioxins, and pesticides such as DDT.

He may have rejected the Global warming treaty, but there is every indication that in the past week, this is a president who has discovered his green inner child.

Or maybe Dick Cheney got tired of picking up the phone all the time.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DRILLING
Moved: 4/24/2001 5:39
CBS-DRILLING 4/20/2001

Bush versus Bush. This is DR...

The first big policy dispute has broken out in the Bush clan -- and it's over oil.

As you know, the vice President has been heading up a secret energy summit, and when it issues its report in a few weeks, it's expected to recommend more drilling to address the energy crisis. Not a big surprise there. The question is WHERE to drill.

Environmental groups have scored some points with those pictures of the innocent Alaskan caribou grazing in the wildlife refuge; members of congress are starting to worry about losing the caribou vote. Which means the NEXT best place to drill would be ... the Gulf of Mexico. And Jeb Bush is against it. He's worried about the beaches, and way back in January he fired off a letter to his brothers administration opposing any more drilling.

But apparently, it didn't work. The word now is that Interior Secretary Gail Norton is ready to go ahead with leases for 5.9 million acres off the coast of Florida.

This is very sad to see. It's one thing to pollute a beach -- that can be fixed. But to see two brothers fight like this -- that would be an American tragedy.

So many be the time is right for a creative solution. Something that would give us the oil we all crave, while protecting the beaches.

The oil companies go ahead and drill, because after all they've been drilling in the Gulf for a long time... but if there is a spill, not only is the oil company fined, but its executives are dipped in crude oil.

And then they have to stand there on live TV while hundreds of well-meaning environmentalists sponge them off.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TRADE CONFERENCE
Moved: 4/24/2001 5:39
CBS-TRADE-CONFERENCE 4/20/2001

It's a trade conference. Call out the riot police! This is DR...

In Quebec City, the Summit of the Americas is underway -- a summit designed to remove trade barriers! To let freedom ring from Baffin Island to Tierra Del Fuego.

Which means that the first order of business was... to build a barricade.

The Quebec City meeting will have the most effective barricade yet, in part because the old city comes pre-equipped with a wall of its own. It was just a matter of adding to it, which the Canadian authorities managed to do very effectively. They've sealed off a 3.8 square mile area with a security fence and checkpoints. 

Residents and delegates can get in, but people dressed as Sea Turtles cannot. Unless they've been invited by a resident, or are part of a resident's carpool. If not -- there are 6000 police with plastic bullets, water cannon and dogs to guarantee that they will be allowed to exercise their free speech rights FAR AWAY from any location where someone would actually hear them.

And so we are left to wonder -- which is scarier: a group of world leaders meeting inside a walled compound to come up with trade rules, or the thousands of protestors who want to stop them from doing it?

Surely the leaders know that if they screw up the Western Hemisphere instead of saving it -- it'll take more than plastic bullets to keep the protestors out.

By the way -- even though George W. Bush pleaded guilty to drunk driving in 1976, and even though under Canadian law, any prior conviction is cause for exclusion from Canada, he IS being allowed to attend.

As long as he isn't carrying a protest sign.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CHINA
Moved: 4/24/2001 5:39
CBS-CHINA 4/20/2001

Chinese hospitality. This is DR...

I've visited China, and had a good time there. But there was disconcerting news for China travelers from the State Department today.

Because of the recent detentions of some Chinese Americans, there is now a travel advisory for Americans of Chinese origin who have been critical of the Chinese government. 

Two US citizens and two permanent residents are being detained apparently because the Chinese authorities don't like something they said. What is this preoccupation with detention? It's like the whole government is made up of vice-principals. 

I was actually planning a trip there next year, but now I don't know. I mean I'm not of Chinese origin, but I am an American -- and I sometimes do mouth off...

It's just that I wanted to take one of those trips down the Yangtze before they finish that big honkin' dam and destroy its natural beauty forever-- of course we do the same thing with our dams, so I don't mean that as a criticism... but I better look over some of the pieces I've done. Like the ones about that aircraft incident -- see if I said anything that might annoy the guy at the passport window -- 

I did a piece explaining the difference between REGRET and APOLOGY, that was two weeks ago. No big deal.

Here we go - this was from Monday -- "Dear China, that's what happens when an over eager fighter pilot gets his tail pureed by a spinning propeller."

Hmm. 

Well you see very often, I'm just being facetious in these pieces. Facetious... which in Chinese would be -- maybe we'll just visit the Grand Canyon again. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CHINA
Moved: 4/19/2001 8:53
CBS-CHINA 4/19/2001

China negotiation update. This is DR...

The United States and China have wrapped up two days of negotiations over our damaged surveillance plane, which still sits on the tarmac on Hainan Island. At first the talks weren't going so well -- the US negotiators were on the verge of pulling out, because the Chinese wouldn't talk seriously about returning the plane. 

They were a little stung by that video of pilot Wang Wei playing bumper cars, so they broke out THEIR own video which apparently shows US fighters doing the same thing. PLUS, they had a computer simulation which shows US surveillance plane turning directly into the path of a Chinese jet.

But then they finally decided to get serious, and the negotiations became "productive" we're told.

So the first session is over, and there will be more talks, blah blah blah.

Here's the thought I have. Do the Chinese really believe we want that plane back? 

Let's see -- it's missing the nose cone, the wing is damaged, at least one propeller and one engine will need replacing, and the thing is 30 years old to start with.

Why would we want this plane back? Sentimental value? Museum exhibit? To test the anti-missile system on a slow moving target? 

But luckily, the Chinese don't get that. They think we need that plane. SO they're going to continue to hold it hostage in hopes we'll stop our surveillance flights. 

And THAT ladies and gentlemen, is why our diplomats are worth every penny. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DAY CARE
Moved: 4/19/2001 8:53
CBS-DAY CARE

As if you didn't feel guilty enough. This is DR...

Now what do we do. A big study, paid for by a federal agency, conducted over ten years in ten cities finds that too much DAY CARE can turn your kid into Bart Simpson.

Children who spend more than 30 hours a week in child care get into more fights, are cruel, exhibit explosive behavior, demand a lot of attention, argue, and talk too much.

The author of the study put it very simply -- less day care equals better behaved children. 

But wait a minute. What do you do if your kid's ALREADY been through day care?

This is so typical, isn't it? Once upon a time experts said day care was a wonderful way to socialize kids, and provide all sorts of stimuli they couldn't get at home. Now a NEW set of experts says what you thought was right actually was the WORST thing you could have done. 

This is FINE for you couples just starting out. There's time for you. You can turn the car around right now and rescue your child before its too late. But for everybody else... I guess it's triage time. Your kids spent YEARS in day care. The damage is done. Who knows what's going on in their warped little daycare minds.

How many millions of daycare graduates are now on the loose -- walking among us? They don't even have to register with the authorities.

In meantime, its every parent for himself. You hear the front door open, a cheerful Hi Mom, the back pack drops on the floor -- all you can do is take a cell phone, run for the closet and hope they don't find you.

Now this. This is DR... 
Index 

CBS DEAR CHINA3
Moved: 4/16/2001 11:47
CBS-DEAR CHINA PART 3

Dear China, part three. This is DR...

Dear China  very sorry to keep writing you like this, but we just thought that to save both of us some time, we would say that we are very sorry -- in advance -- for the aircraft carrier that is now approaching the South China Sea. 

It's in the southern Phillipines, heading north, a heading that brings it closer to Hainan Island, which is something we want to express particular regret about. It's just that a lot of our favorite radio program originate on Hainan Island -- and you know how we Americans love entertainment!

By the way -- we're very sorry about the fighter jets on board that aircraft carrier -- especially the fact that there are 70 of them. It really is a lot, and we know that -- but if it's any comfort, we'd just like to point out that we have a lot more which we're NOT planning to send.

Right now anyway.

We also haven't decided yet whether we'll actually USE those fighters to escort our surveillance planes, but if we do, please accept our sincere regrets in advance.

Before we conclude, there is one thing we're actually NOT sorry about anymore.

Now that we've talked to our crew, we're actually not at all sorry we landed on your airstrip without permission.

Because it turns out that sharp left turn you accuse us of making -- that's what happens when an over eager fighter pilot gets his tail pureed by a spinning propeller.

On the other hand, we do want to say that we appreciate how well you treated our crew on the ground, especially when you came up with the Coca Colas they asked for.

There's a lot more where that came from too.

Yours in capitalism, the American government.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS A ROD
Moved: 4/16/2001 11:47
CBS-A-ROD 4/16/2001

To boo or not. This is DR...

Like everybody else in Seattle, I've been agonizing over what to do when the richest man in baseball, Alex Rodriguez, returns tonight to the city he betrayed.

-- The city he further snubbed after Boeing announced it was leaving, by signing on to a letter inviting the company to move to Dallas. "I moved to Dallas-Fort Worth to improve my future; so should you."

The airwaves have been filled with all sorts of ideas. Boo him. Stand silently then boo. Wear nasty T-shirts WHILE booing him. Play the armpit harmonica between boos. Order an extra beer and go for the extended group belch -- followed by booing. Turn your back to him and boo. Order the new garlic fries, eat them an hour before game time, then turn your back to him, and boo.

But it's all USELESS! Some of these options penalize nearby fans more than A-rod.

The truth is, there is NOTHING you can do.

The truth is we want to boo because we're feeling like suckers. We bought the same line that works in every baseball town -- a new ballpark will keep the star players.

If I were sitting in those those $195 seats behind home plate, I wouldn't boo, I'd just cry.

But it really doesn't matter what kind of noise the fans make tonight, because they're already sent the real message.

Tonight's game is gonna be packed. It's a sellout. A few years ago, the idea of 45,000 showing up in Seattle for a game against the Rangers, would've gotten laughs not boos. 

And greedy or not, A-rod is big reason for that. There is only one way to treat A-rod. Be really nice to him and hope for a big tip.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CINCINNATI
Moved: 4/13/2001 12:41
CBS-CINCINNATI 4/12/2001

Early to bed. This is DR...

The curfew worked in Cincinnati -- but there is still plenty of resentment over the police shooting of 19 year old Timothy Thomas. Thomas was unarmed and black, the cop who shot him was white.

But according to Cincinnati's vice mayor Minette Cooper, and several people who've been in the protest demonstrations, what's going on isn't just about race.

It doesn't help that the city is 43% black and the police force is maybe ten percent black.

But what's also driving this issue -- is a sense that no one polices the police.

When a citizen screws up -- runs a stop sign, does drugs, starts a fight -- he gets arrested; a jury of strangers sits in judgement, and if he's guilty, he's punished.

If a cop screws up -- even if there are numerous citizen complaints against him -- he may get a lecture and lose a vacation day.

If he's investigated, he's investigated by other cops. The theory -- as it's been explained to me -- is that fellow cops would be TOUGHER than a jury would -- like a court martial. But it no longer looks that way from the outside.

Obviously, no respectable person supports the looters in Cincinnati, but those who actually talked to them noticed something: that they knew about the case of Timothy Thomas. Yeah, they wanted to get the free TV, but they ALSO wanted to get back at a city that they think is out to get them.

And there's the problem. Theft due to greed you can handle by arresting the culprits. Theft due to rage -- you can only handle by changing peoples' minds.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PROFILING
Moved: 4/13/2001 12:41
CBS-PROFILING 4/13/2001

How to stop profiling. This is DR...

Profiling is a perennial problem in city police departments: the accusation that cops stop people because of how they look instead of what they did.

Obviously the cops have to stop people based on their looks -- that's why you put out physical descriptions of suspects.

But civil rights groups say the cops go beyond that. They stop black people or Hispanic people, or anybody they think looks suspicious whether there's an APB out for them or not.

And that's caused a lot of mistrust between these groups and the police.

If you talk to police officers, they'll tell you they have this sixth sense for troublemakers. They can spot a guy who looks like he has a warrant out against him.

And let's face it -- whether it's fair or not, if you have an arrest warrant against a person of color, who's the cop going to pull over for having a crooked license plate, or a blown tail light? A white businessman in a suit.

Until crooks agree to drive around with bumper stickers that say "I'm The Crook, Stop ME" cops will probably use some form of profiling.

I see only one way to end it. Until the experts can come up with a better short cut, what has to happen is this: every person of color who has a warrant against him should just turn himself in NOW. Stop running, turn yourself in. If this were to happen, the only fugitives left would be white people.

Police who were still in the habit of profiling blacks and Hispanics would soon realize -- none of these guys have outstanding warrants; I'm wasting my time.

End of profiling. 

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CHINA RETURN
Moved: 4/13/2001 12:41
CBS-CHINA-RETURN 4/12/2001

Why China held them. This is DR...

The American crew is telling its story - and it's terrifying. The US surveillance plane is on autopilot, the Chinese fighter decides to circle it, miscalculates, and clips the left propeller. Shrapnel flies everywhere. The fuselage is punctured. The engine starts vibrating with a loud roar because the propeller is out of balance. he nose cone flies off. The whole plane is noses over and plummets a mile -- the crew starts to feel weightless -- before pilot Shane Osborn can get it back under control.

Finally with a punctured fuselage, a damaged wing, and dead propeller, it landed on Hainan Island.

But wait - there's more - the other 23 crew members, who must have figured they were about to die, and who likely didn't know which way was up, knew they still had a job to do - and destroyed or jettisoned their surveillance equipment.

That takes a certain presence of mind that I'm not sure all of us would have in similar circumstances. 

The Chinese don't care that there was no verbal permission to land. And neither do we.

And they didn't spend those 11 days just looking for listening devices -- they wanted to see how to build a plane that hangs together with that kind of damage. And I also have a feeling they wanted to take the measure of a crew that had the kind of courage it takes to follow procedure even as they went through a near death experience.

The Chinese may still have the aircraft, but if they hoping to find any military secrets -- well the real military secrets were there for all to see yesterday -- getting off that big gray plane in Hawaii.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS DEAR CHINA
Moved: 4/13/2001 12:41
CBS-DEAR CHINA 

Dear China. This is DR...

Dear China. You know the letter we sent you the other day - the one that said "very sorry"? 

Right after our crew reached Hawaii, we found the second page of that letter.

As we said on the first page, we really appreciate your efforts to see to the well-being of our crew.

And we are very sorry we didn't have verbal clearance when we entered your air space, but frankly -- we'd do it again in a heartbeat if we had to.

And we're a little ticked off that you don't have better control of your pilots.

Honestly, do you really think that by buzzing our surveillance planes you're going to stop us from eavesdropping?

We've been eavesdropping all over the world since World War II, and we intend to keep on doing it -- and doing it in ways you can only BEGIN to imagine.

Get this straight -- if you send a signal, ANY signal, we pick it up! We do it because there are a lot of sneaky countries up to no good.

Your side has it easy. You can find out what WE'RE thinking just by logging onto the Internet.

But there's IS one thing you could do to make our surveillance a waste of time. And it's pretty simple. Just cancel your threat to attack Taiwan.

Oh, we know how hard it is not to lust after a nearby Island you think belongs to you. We felt the same way about Cuba once -- but look at us now! We're content to slowly colonize it with Wal Marts.

So just do it -- cancel your threat to attack Taiwan. And when you do, no need to issue a public statement or hold a big elaborate press conference.

We'll pick it up.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. 
Index 

CBS TV STRIKE
Moved: 4/12/2001 13:08
CBS-TV STRIKE 4/12/2001

TV on strike. This is DR...

The television industry is reported to be strangely complacent about the threatened a strike by writers and actors which could hit this fall. 

Negotiations resume next week, but 11,000 writers and 135,000 actors are prepared to walk -- and the networks are apparently prepared to run repeats and reality shows if they do.

REALITY shows -- NOW you know why there are so many of them.

They're perfect. The contestants create the plot lines, create the dialogue, deliver the dialogue -- and all they ask is for a little rice a few lizards and a tent. Oh yeah --- and a chance at a prize which a sitcom star would find insulting for ONE episode, never mind 13.

So if this strike comes off -- get ready, my fellow ordinary Americans. With all those cable channels to fill, there will be a HUGE demand for your talents, whether you have any or not.

Be prepared. We all need to get agents NOW. If they want you to spend however many weeks in the outback eating lizards and subjecting yourself to silly contests -- you should be paid for that.

And those cop shows! I don't know if there are going to be enough pre-dawn drug busts and high-speed car chases to fill the programming hole. 

You drug users -- should sell advertising space on your pajamas. 

And you people you who get in car chases -- take a stand!

If you find yourself in a car chase -- the MOMENT you see the TV helicopter, you get on your cell phone and threaten to slow down and surrender immediately unless the producers cough up some decent cash.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. 
Index 

CBS CHINA3
Moved: 4/12/2001 13:08
CBS-CHINA3 4/12/2001

Did we act like wimps? This is DR...

Now that the American crew is out, everybody can say what they REALLY think -- and the reaction is very strange indeed. The criticism is coming from the Conservatives! Democrats have nothing but praise. The Washington Post paints the President as a master statesman, his humble public persona but a decoy, masking a skilled strategist who was cool under pressure.

Yet I read today that there are Conservatives who say he wasn't tough enough. They worry that China wasn't taught a lesson.

And I guess they have a point. 11 days -- it wasn't even enough time for CNN to come up with a scary theme song. 

How can you get the cold war re-started when your leaders insist on being so reasonable?

But maybe it's not too late.

Maybe there are ways to rekindle the crisis.

The Chinese still have our airplane, right? And that plane is still considered US territory, right. Let's declare a 12 mile territorial limit around it, and demand they surrender that whole base. 

Or how about this. Even though President Bush told Jesse Jackson not to go -- send him anyway. There's nothing those communists hate more than being dragged into a prayer circle.

Then we give Taiwan twice as many weapons as it wants -- ships, missiles, death rays -- then hire planes to fly back and forth over the South China Sea with banners reading "Who's Sorry Now?"

Eh? And if that doesn't satisfy the critics, I say we send these same critics TO Beijing, and let them tell China's leaders in PERSON exactly what they think of them.

And this time, we won't wuss out. We'll leave them there as long as it takes to make the point.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS BUSH E MAIL SAT
Moved: 4/10/2001 5:15
CBS BUSH E-MAIL 4/5/2001

More bad news for reporters. This is DR...

Editors attending this weeks News Paper Convention got more bad news. 

President Bush has decided not to do e-mail. In his speech to the newspaper editors This week he said he used to be an ``avid e-mailer'' -- and would correspond regularly with his father, and his daughters.

However, after taking office, he gave up on e-mails -- telling the editors he was worried that enterprising reporters could use the Freedom of Information Act to get a look at his electronic correspondence.

Enterprising reporters, eh?

I have a feeling it isn't only reporters he's worried about. Say what you will about Mr. Bush, he is a quick study. He remembers when happened once lawyers investigating the Clinton Administration found out there was a record of every White House e-mail ever sent.

One word -- SUBPOENA.

Clearly, George W. Bush and every post-Clinton president will take steps to protect themselves against the SUBPOENA. And there is no better way to protect yourself from a SUBPOENA than making sure there is nothing TO subpoena.

The Clinton White House was also accused of HIDING its e-mails. But you can't be accused of hiding e-mail if you don't write any, now can you?

It's yet another indication of just difficult these next four years are going to be for the American Press. 

So many column inches, so little scandal.

Ah, but -- take heart.

As far as we know -- Dick Cheney hasn't sworn off e-mail.

But those are the really IMPORTANT messages so they're probably encrypted.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SOPORANOS
Moved: 4/10/2001 5:15
CBS-SOPRANOS 4/7/2001

Suing the Sopranos. This is DR....

In Chicago, the American Italian Defense Association -- AIDA, for short -- is suing the producers of the Sopranos, HBO's series about mobsters, on the grounds that it stereotypes Italians as born criminals. AIDA says it is not suing for money, but for a jury verdict under Section 20 of the Illinois Constitution declaring that the show is offensive to the individual dignity of Italian Americans.

Now I know many of you think its silly. But consider the plight of people like me -- who raised in the suburbs in the 50s and 60s when instead of embracing their roots, people were fleeing from them.

I only realized it was defamatory to Italians after ANOTHER Italian American group told me that I ought to be offended by it because I AM part Italian.

When I first heard about this show I thought it was one of those PBS Opera specials

Even though our family name used to be Russo, the only thing Italian about growing up in Westchester County was when Grandma tried to convince us that a Stella D'Oro biscuit cookie counted as dessert.

We are part of an entire suburban generation that grew up ethnically disadvantaged, UNABLE to take offense even when we have every reason to.

And that's why this case is important... there's nothing worse than being dissed and not knowing it. Or as Tony might say:

TAPE:.. angry."

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS POST OFFICE
Moved: 4/10/2001 5:15
CBS-POST OFFICE-SAT 4/6/2001

You have NO mail! This is DR...

The post office, always looking for that competitive edge, revealed this week it's considering declaring yet another postal Sabbath and dropping Saturday delivery.

The reason -- a deficit that could hit three billion dollars.

I asked postal carriers about this, and most of them were not surprised. They told tales of empty trucks, wasted trips -- one even suggested it was a negotiating tactic for the upcoming union negotiations. A signal to the unions that "there's no point in asking for more money -- be happy you have jobs at all."

The post office doesn't get government subsidies anymore, so if revenues drop, service has to follow.

The question no body seems to be answering -- what happens to the mail they DON'T deliver on Saturday. Presumably it accumulates somewhere until Monday, when they will then dump THREE days of mail into your mailbox!

But wait -- if there's a Monday holiday, it will accumulate until TUESDAY, when they will dump FOUR days of mail into your mailbox.

We'll have to rent FORKLIFTS.

If the Post Office needs extra money, there's something I'D pay extra for. An automatic postal recycling service.

You see, they would deliver all the mail, as required by law, but when they got to a mailbox with a special recycling sticker -- which the Post Office would sell for maybe $100 a year -- when they finish stuffing four days worth of mail into such a mailbox, they would then remove all the third class mail and put it directly into the recycling bin.

So that YOU don't have to.

And EVERYBODY wins.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CHINA
Moved: 4/10/2001 5:15
CBS-CHINA 4/6/2001

The other pilot speaks: This is DR....

The pilot of the other Chinese chase plane has spoken -- and surprise! His statement matches the one issued by the Chinese embassy in Washington two days ago.

He says as he was shadowing the American plane, it readjusted course twice; the two Chinese fighters matched it each time. And then -- the US plane swerved at a wide angle, its nose and outside propeller clipping the tail of one of the fighters.

We've also heard from the American side that the missing Chinese pilot apparently fancied himself a Blue Angel -- getting close enough to American planes that he would flash a card with his e-mail address to American pilots.

So what we may have here is an outbreak of mid-air road rage. 

And it ought to be easy enough to find out who's to blame. With our sophisticated global location technology, there must exist somewhere a detailed second-to-second track of the exact position of that aircraft. We have satellite technology that can track any moving object anywhere on the globe within INCHES.

Of course, WOULD we show that to the Chinese -- certainly not if it proves THEIR case. But if it proves OUR case, that would be a pretty strong bargaining chip: "You know, Mr. Ambassador, we have here a second by second plot of our plane, and as you can see, there was no sudden turn. Shall we hold a press conference and display this information -- or, would you like to return our crew?"

Yes, the truth is out there somewhere -- but right now, it's like a car wreck where each side hires its own cops. 

Now this. This is DR. 
Index 

CBS POWER
Moved: 4/10/2001 5:15
CBS-POWER 4/09/2001

Bonuses for everybody. This is DR....

The latest outrage in the California power battle is over employee bonuses. It came out that Pacific Gas and Electric Corporation decided to award $50 million dollars in bonuses to 6000 managers and other employees -- one day before the company filed for bankruptcy protection.

The utility explained that its TOP execs are NOT getting the bonus, that the bonuses are less than last year's, but that didn't stop the criticism.
The governor of California accused PG&E management of denial and greed; the Senate president said the bonuses make the power company's PR problem even worse. A consumer advocate called it arrogant mismanagement.

And yet -- consider for a moment, what you, as an employee, would do in a situation like this.

Suppose you were an employee of a company that just declared bankruptcy. What would you do? What would your co-workers do? You'd start looking for new jobs, wouldn't you?

Electricity is so reliable in this country we sometimes forget that it's not like sunlight. It doesn't just happen. 

You can't legislate it into existence like some ergonomics rule. 

It takes actual people flipping actual switches to keep the lights on.

And right now, in California, those people are pretty important. They're the shortstops of the industry.

So the thing you have to ask the Governor and the Senate President and the Consumer advocate is -- if they think these employees are greedy -- do THEY know where the switch is that keeps the lights on? And do they know which way to throw it? Because unless they do, they should probably not complain too much about the bonus money.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS LANGUAGE
Moved: 4/10/2001 5:14
CBS-LANGUAGE 4/9/2001

The escalation begins. This is DR.

The latest report from Hainan Island is that the American crew is in good shape, staying in what amounts to an isolated hotel; they've even been allowed to clean up their uniforms; the only problem is they can't check out.

And now the escalation begins. It's been a week, the yellow ribbons are spreading, there are demonstrators outside the Chinese embassy in Washington, some members of Congress are calling the crew hostages, and commentaries in China are starting to taunt President Bush.

One commentary calls him "young Bush" and describes him as weak, and surrounded by old men from the cold war.

Like members of feuding gangs, we are all getting dragged into this. It's becoming a question of loyalty. Of manhood.

Did you ask to be dragged into this? I didn't. I'd never even heard of the EP-3 OR the F-8 before now. I didn't know we were flying up and down the Chinese coast, or that their planes were trying to swing dance with ours.

How come nobody ever asks us about this stuff?

Well because it's all a big secret of course.

So why don't they just solve it in secret.

OUR government has told US that OUR SIDE will never apologize. 
Their government has told them that we MUST apologize. 

But since our government speaks to us in English, and their governemnt speaks to them in Chinese, suppose our top encryption experts come up with a phrase that means REGRET in English, but means APOLOGIZE in Chinese.

The crew comes back, and if reporters ask the President, he refers them to Dick Cheney who happens not to be in just now, and life goes on.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS APOLOGY
Moved: 4/6/2001 10:31
CBS-APOLOGY 4/5/2001

Diplomacy means never having to say you're sorry. This is DR...

The US State Department is now busy explaining the difference between REGRET and APOLOGY.

They are trying to satisfy the Chinese that the mighty United States of America is genuinely sorry, without actually saying so.

So far we've tried to do it by making it clear that while we REGRET the incident, we do not actually APOLOGIZE for it.

Regret, you see, is to feel sorrow or remorse for some act or a disappointing development.

But an APOLOGY is to feel sorrow for having insulted or injured another.

The difference is that you can feel REGRET even if what you did was unavoidable.

But to APOLOGIZE is to acknowledge you did something wrong.

For example, you might regret the day you finally turned 50 -- but it would be absurd to apologize for it. Got it?

And yet all of this IGNORES the real absurdity, which is: that a government CAN apologize. What does it mean for a GOVERNMENT to apologize? That everyone at the state department has been ordered to feel genuine remorse? That the President blocks out fifteen minutes on his schedule and spends it crying?

The whole concept is absurd. As all of us who have raised children know -- the only true apology can come from the person directly involved. In this case, the pilot of the plane. Either he's sorry, or he's not.

If he's sorry -- he meets with the family of the dead pilot and says so.

If he's not, China expresses indignation, and summarily expels him and the crew.

Of course that would be assuming we're all grown-ups here.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS DECENCY
Moved: 4/6/2001 10:31
CBS-DECENCY 4/5/2001

Relax New York, help is on the way. This is DR...

In New York City, Mayor Giuliani has delivered on his promise to create a decency commission to come up with standards for publicly funded art exhibits. 

The commission will have 20 members, including three artists, a rabbi, a bishop, an imam, the founder of the Guardians Angels, and the Mayor's own lawyer. The one handling his divorce.

And in a few months, the Commission is expected to issue a report on decency standards in publicly funded art exhibits. In other words, a report on the kind of art that the government can certify as safe and effective when used as directed.

Nobody knows what the standard will be, but we can presume it won't include Yo Mama's Last Supper. That's the photo that started this whole thing by putting a nude woman in Jesus' spot at the table.

But what about all those painting that look someone stretched a drop cloth and put a frame around it? Or that painting - and I sure your museum has one of these - where someone very carefully paints a straight line across a white canvas. 

THAT's when I feel my tax money's been ripped off.

Yes, the decency commission has its work cut out -- but if I were on the decency commission, I'd know exactly what to do. I would visit all the city-supported museums and ask one question. Is anybody besides me here?

Because a lot of these art exhibits are deserted. When an exhibit is deserted that can only mean one thing. The art there is BORING. And there's no more indecent use of public money than to spend it on an exhibit so boring that nobody's there.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CHINA 3
Moved: 4/4/2001 9:03
CBS-CHINA 3 4/04/2001

The "H" word. This is DR...

It's pretty clear the plane is not coming back any time soon. Not suprising since when I look at the list of Chinese and Soviet Aircraft that ended up in the west during the cold war, I notice that a few of them are now in US museums.

But the crew, of course, is another matter.

Hainan Isalnd, IS considered China's Hawaii. The travel web sites describe 
pristine beaches of white sand, tropical forests, pineapples, coconuts, calm seas and almost perfect weather throughout most of the year.

But the families here at home don't care how grant the tropical breezes are, they want action.

And James Coursen, father of sailor Shawn Coursen, even used the H-word.

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>AP CHINA FAMILY 2
Time: 6s
Out-cue: ULTIMATUM]

How long can you be a guest, and not be considered a hostage. Now it's conceivable you'd need four days to rest up from an emergency landing, get your bearings.

Any maybe the Chinese -- just to flatter themselves -- are checking to see if any of the crew wants to defect, and join the glorious revolution. That has certainly happened a few times on American soil -- when the occasional plane comes over from Cuba.

But at some point, the word GUEST begins to ring hollow.

The way it did when Saddam Hussein used it to refer to the foreigners who were detained after the invasion of Kuwait.

More of the families are going to use the word hostage, and more yellow ribbons will go up. And then, eevn though his State Department may be urging diplomacy, the President who talked tough on China is going to have to decide just HOW tough. 
Index 

CBS HERALD RECOUNT
Moved: 4/4/2001 9:03
CBS-RECOUNT 4/4/2001

Six months later -- too close to call.

This is DR...

The recount is in. Well, let me rephrase that: the latest recount is in. Actually, to be accurate, the latest recount RECOUNT is in. And it shows conclusively that George W. Bush got the most votes in Florida. UNLESS you use the narrower counting standard that some members of his party advocated in which case his opponent would have won.

I swear I'm not trying to make this any more confusing than necessary, but the Miami Herald says that using a more LIBERAL standard to count the undervotes, had the Supreme Court NOT stepped in, Al Gore would have lost even WORSE. By over 1600 votes.

However... if the recounts had been done counting only clean punches, as many Republicans demanded, he would have WON by THREE VOTES.

BUT.... if ALL of Florida's counties, even the ones that had already re-counted the undercounts, had RE-RECOUNTED using the same inclusive standard that increased Bush's lead in the PARTIAL recounts -- in other words, if all the undervotes were recounted starting from scratch using a consistent standard that included dimples, Gore would have won by 393 votes.

BUT then again, if you did the same thing and instead of counting dimples, only counted chads that were detached on at least two corners, BUSH would have won.... by 352 votes.

BUT then again, the Herald doesn't know if ANY of this is correct because only 8 counties were able to produce the SAME number of undervotes they reported on election night.

In other words, we still don't know WHO should be the man not apologizing to China.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS DOUBLE DAYLIGHT
Moved: 3/30/2001 9:19
CBS-DOUBLE DAYLIGHT 3/30/2001

It's the clocks, stupid! This is DR...

The west coast is scrambling for ways to save energy.

Tax credits, refrigerator rebates, a "mobile efficiency brigade" to deliver power-saving light bulbs. 

And Representative Brad Sherman of California has now proposed -- double daylight saving time. Everybody would move ahead one hour this weekend as usual, but then the western states would get to move ahead ANOTHER hour around the first of May.

The idea would be to shift even more daylight into the evening hours, so that evening will actually be afternoon, and we can save energy. Because the sun will be high enough that we can use a magnifying glass to heat the leftovers.

But of course it will only further screw up everybody's sleep schedule. And in the end, the energy problem has nothing to do with how high in the sky the sun is at dinner time.

The problem is that we all EAT dinner at the SAME time. We tend to do EVERYTHING at the same time.

Everybody gets up at the same time, takes a shower at the same time, hits the road at the same time, takes lunch at the same time, leaves work at the same time.

That why you have these power peaks.

So the key is not to have a whole region jump ahead another hour -- what have you accomplished? 

No - You want to stagger the time NOT region by region, but BUSINESS by BUSINESS.

If a business is located at an EVEN address, its on standard time, if its at an ODD address it's on DAYLIGHT time.

And if it's a government office it's on DOUBLE daylight time.

And if that doesn't work, it might at least annoy people enough that they'll move to a place that HAS enough electricity.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BUSH JOKES
Moved: 3/30/2001 9:19
CBS-BUSH 3/30/2001

Sending an equivocal message to the world. This is DR...

The President's speech at the Radio Television Corespondents Association dinner -- was one of the funnier ones. (START CUT) Although it got off to a rocky start:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>AP BUSH DINNER 1
Time: 16s
Out-cue: PARTICIPATING]

The correspondents weren't sure he was joking there.

But he quickly won 'em over by quoting from his own campaign speeches:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>AP BUSH DINNER CUT 2
Time: 17s
Out-cue: THEY'RE THERE]

You see, what's so charming is that even though it's hard to say what he's saying... you know exactly what he means to say. Most of the time, anyway.

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS 124 BUSH DINNER
Time: 14s
Out-cue: JUST SAID]

And I think we have one more:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>AP BUSH TAX 1
Time: 13s
Out-cue: CURRENT CODE]

Making the middle class easier to access... oh, wait a second... that was his press conference earlier in the day. Oh well -- more ammo for the next dinner.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS McVEIGH
Moved: 3/29/2001 8:47
CBS-McVEIGH 3/29/2001

He was solely responsible for its content. This is DR...

Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh has finally admitted that the crime was his and only his. McVeigh spilled it all in 75 hours of prison interviews -- you'll be able to buy the book.

He says he knew there were children in the building. But if he knew there were children in the building, why did he go ahead?

The date was too important to put off, he said. His deadline was April 19 -- the date of Waco fire. Which, he pointed pointed out, also killed children.

Had he known that there was an ENTIRE day care center in the building, he MIGHT have switched targets, he said, because that's a large amount of collateral damage." 

Collateral damage. 

Outrageous that he gets his name on a book. Fame for the criminal is the price we pay for wanting to understand his mind.

But there may be one redeeming thing about it. In the book he dismisses those who believe foreign terrorists or domestic militias helped him with the bombing.

He told the authors he planned the whole thing himself. Yes, he got his army buddy Terry Nichols to help him load the explosives into the rental truck, but only by threatening Nichols family.

"The truth is I blew up the Murrah Building," McVeigh told the authors, "and isn't it scary that one man could wreak this kind of hell."

Well, yes it is.

But you've also told us that you COULDN'T find a bunch of terrorists to help you. That you HAD to do it by yourself. That you're NOT typical. That you stand alone.

And as for hell, well, there's probably a good a chance you'll become an authority on that.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MARIJUANA
Moved: 3/29/2001 8:46
CBS-MARIJUANA 3/29/2001

Prescription marijuana. This is DR...

Several justices of the Supreme Court appear skeptical.

The issue is over the California proposition which allows doctors to prescribe marijuana for medicinal purposes. Under federal law, Marijuana has NO redeeming medicinal use. No matter what the people of California say. Or the people of Alaska, Or Colorado. Or the people of Maine, Nevada, Oregon, and Washington State.

Or the California Medical Association. Of course, what do doctors know about medical decisions? It's not like they're ACCOUNTANTS after all.

So the Supreme Court has another thorny one to decide.

On one side, the Oakland Cannabis Buyers Cooperative which says it wants to provide pot to ease the nausea of cancer patients; the other side, the federal government.

The same federal government which has decided to go slow on getting arsenic out of the water supply, but which at the same time wants to protect cancer patients from pot.

Now you see, therein may lie a solution. 

Suppose if marijuana, was reclassified not as a drug -- but as a poison like arsenic.

See we all want to send a message that pot is bad for our youth.

Because it is. Ask any politician. They can tell you first hand.

That's why it can't just be legalized outright. But it doesn't need to be classified as a drug either. 

So take marijuana off the drug list, and reclassify it as a POISON.

You still send an unmistakable message to our youth, but you don't have to break down doors to enforce it.

Although we don't have to go TOO far. I'd draw the line at letting pot into the water supply.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TAX CUT 2
Moved: 3/29/2001 8:46
CBS-TAX CUT 2 3/28/2001

What to do with the money. This is DR...

Who thought the tax cut issue would shake out the way it has. Instead of the Democrats against the Republicans, it's Congress versus the President. Congress wanting to hurry up and give us all some money now, and the President plugging away at the same plan he's been plugging all along -- 1.6 trillion over ten years.

He's against this immediate refund idea UNLESS it's linked to cutting rates across the board, which worries some members of Congress because it gives much bigger chunks of money to rich people than to middle class people.

Even REPUBLICANS are backing away from repeal of the "death tax" because they now have figures showing -- surprise -- it would only help wealthy people. In fact, they apparently have stopped calling it the death tax, because all the news dispatches are using the term ESTATE tax again.

ALL of this is making it harder for the President to keep the troops in line. Which is a shame because he should still be enjoying a honeymoon period. This should be a time when a president gets his way. And he knows that if Congress goes for this idea of a $300 refund, it could jeopardize his plan for across the board cuts.

That means it's up to us, my fellow Americans.

It's up to us to preserve the across the board tax cut the President wants, and to make sure that people who in the high tax brackets are treated fairly.

So when we get our three hundred dollars -- what we need to do is immediately send it to a rich person.

It really wouldn't be right for us to take it anyway since we'd only waste it on overpriced electricity.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS TAX CUT
Moved: 3/29/2001 8:46
CBS-TAX CUT 3/28/2001

We're in the money. This is DR...

For a while there, the stock market was depressing. But apparently it's going to pay off, in a perverse way. The scarier the stock market gets, the more money the Senate wants to send us!

Suddenly every politician in Washington is talking about giving us money! And not just some pie in the sky by and by -- but cash! Right now! 

Cross your fingers that the bear market lasts long enough for them to actually PASS it.

The anticipation is killing me!

Last week the Republicans floated the idea of an immediate 60 billion dollar tax cut -- and then yesterday, the Democrats, noticing that the Republicans forgot to specify HOW the money would be paid out, suggested just sending every taxpayer a check for $300! Even if all you paid was the payroll tax!

For married couples, $600! Talk about encouraging monogamy!

And in ADDITION, they would reduce the amount of income tax withheld from paychecks by another $150!

This is great! The Republicans last week, the Democrats this week, all scrambling to put money in our pockets.

And that's the trouble with the two-party system. Because that's where it'll stop. No other party has representatives in Congress to keep it going! If we had a few libertarians in there, they might offer us $1000. Then the U-S Taxpayers party might jump in and offer us all $2000. But no -- it looks like the bidding will stop at three hundred.

Ah, I suppose I shouldn't complain. At least, for a change, WE'RE the ones being bribed.

Even if it IS with our own money.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS SOLDIER
Moved: 3/27/2001 8:46
CBS-SOLDIER 3/26/2001

Expunge all thoughts of violence, children. This is DR....

Dateline West Monroe, Louisiana. A Louisiana third grader has earned an in-school suspension for drawing... and armed soldier.

Yes this is an actual Associated Press story... the principal at Lenwill Elementary School says the boy drew a picture of a soldier holding a canteen, and a knife. He also drew a fort, listing a military inventory that included guns, knives, and first aid kits.

The principal says the picture was upsetting to other students, hence the suspension.

The 8 year old boy's father apparently was a little upset that his son was punished for drawing what turns out to be a picture of a relative who happens to be in the army.

But the school won't back down. Whether the boy has a relative in the army or not, the school district considered the drawing (QUOTE) "a violent arrangement" and therefore in violation of the anti-violence policy. Besides an in-school suspension is not that bad.

Now we all agree that schools must do all they can to nip violence in the bud.

But we also don't want to grow a generation of ignoramuses, do we? I mean, soldiers do exist, right? They are trained to use weapons, aren't they? And they're the ones who are ALLOWED to have them. 

Schools are where you learn about the world. What would be more abnormal -- drawing a soldier with a gun, or drawing a soldier WITHOUT a gun?

There are going to be a lot of young men in for a big surprise when they join the armed forces thinking it's just about taking long hikes.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS OSCARS
Moved: 3/27/2001 8:46
CBS-OSCARS 3/26/2001

Hollywood enters the age of self-control. This is DR... 

The market is now saturated with TV shows that involve auditoriums full of famous people waiting for their names to be called. Many times these shows are out of control displays of opulence and self congratulation. But I think the Oscars have finally proven that CONTROL is back.

This year's broadcast was firmly in the grip of the producers -- who used the promise of a big screen TV for the shortest speech to keep it on time. I couldn't figure out why Julia Roberts felt compelled to tell a billion people "I already have a TV" -- here for all these years I'd take it for granted Julia Roberts had a TV -- but it's all part of the new self-control.

Danny DeVito eating carrots and celery.

A TV14 V rating in the corner -- before the excerpt of "Crouching Tiger." So we could shoo the kids away from seeing an excerpt of a movie they've all seen already? A nice touch.

Even the clothing was relatively mostly sedate, if not downright conservative. My heart went out to Miss Roberts watching her struggling to escape from the gigantic dress that had taken her prisoner.

Even the revealing clothes had a conservative theme. Bjork's dead swan dress -- reflecting the joy of the hunt.

And when the clothing WAS over the top, we were protected from it.

I thought it was very charming the way the cameras spent the whole evening trying to avoid Jennifer Lopez's breasts. You could come away from that broadcast thinking that for all the criticism it gets, Hollywood IS trying to protect us. They even got us to bed on time.

Now this.

This is DR 
Index 

CBS POKEMON FATWAH
Moved: 3/27/2001 8:46
CBS-POKEMON FATWAH 3/27/2001

Pikachu under the whip. This is DR...

Pokemon has been the scourge of parents and teachers for a long time -- so sapping a child's energy that he is unable to concentrate. Children desperate to get the one character they can't find don't pay attention to math or reading or science. Here in America, schools simply confiscate them.

But now Saudi Arabia has gone the next step.

Usually when an Islamic Nation issues a fatwah, or religious edict -- we in the West ridicule it. The Taliban of Afghanistan are issuing them all the time -- fatwahs against women from wearing white socks, fatwahs against kite flying; there have been fatwahs against nannies, against elections, and of course against Salman Rushdie.

But finally Saudi Arabia's Higher Committee for Scientific Research and Islamic Law has issued a fatwah that may actually get support in the West: it has declared a fatwah against Pokemon.

The Saudi Sheik in charge of issuing the fatwah said he'd never heard of Pokemon himself, buy that anything that distracts people from praying and remembering God is religiously forbidden.

Apparently what pushed him over the edge on Pokemon was not just the distraction but the geometric symbols representing the characters' various powers. 

The Islamic Authorities concluded that one of the symbols was a Star of David and was therefore promoting international Zionism.

In any case, the edict covers everything Pokemon -- the cards, the dolls, the video games, the cartoons.

From now on, anyone in Saudi Arabia who sells Pokemon cards faces losing his trade license, fines, deportation, and, of course, lashings.

It's tempting isn't it?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SLEEP
Moved: 3/27/2001 8:45
CBS-SLEEP 3/27/2001

A nation of yawners. This is DR...

Another sleep survey is out and you'll never guess what it says. 

The National Sleep Foundation says only about a third of us get the recommended eight hours of sleep a night. Americans are spending so much time at work they're not even having SEX as much as they did five years ago. Hey -- I guess means those content ratings are finally working. 

But in the meantime, we're sleepy and paying the price:

43% of adults report that fatigue interferes with their daily activities.

19% report that they make errors at work.

And 19 percent said they'd fallen asleep while driving a car.

We get a survey saying basically this very same thing -- what would you guess -- once every couple of months? -- But no one ever does anything about it. 

We're all supposed to just RESOLVE to sleep more on our own. But we can't do it, because we have this FEAR that everybody else will just go on waking up early, get the promotion, and move up to the bigger office. 

Even though they may spend most of their time asleep in it. Which may be why there seems to be so much incompetence in the world.

But FINALLY circumstances allow us to do something about it.

This latest energy crisis is the ideal time for a national LIGHTS OUT policy.

One BIG rolling blackout at 10:00 that starts on the East Coast and rolls across the nation time zone by time zone.

At 9:55 the air raid siren plays the National Anthem, you brush your teeth, and at ten sharp: Lights Out!

See? It's not a blackout. It's a PUBLIC HEALTH program.

Now this.

This is DR...
Index 

CBS SPARE THE ROD
Moved: 3/23/2001 8:40
CBS-SPARE-THE-ROD 3/23/2001

Spare the rod. This is DR...

That Spare the Rod verse is being quoted again. In ATLANTA Rev. Arthur Allen, pastor of the House of Prayer, is sticking to his philosophy of corporal punishment after being charged with with two counts of cruelty to children for beating two boys.

According to a police investigator, children were punished at the church with sticks and belts while being suspended in the air by their hands and arms. And State social workers have now removed 41 children of church members from their homes for fear their parents would do more of the same.

Rev. Allen made no apologies for advising to whip their kids because (QUOTE) "The Bible says that if you spare the rod you're going to spoil the child." That's what he said on TV.

Now I don't know whether the state was right to take 41 children away from their parents. Sounds Draconian.

But I do know this: that if you try to find the spot in the Bible where it says "spare the rod and spoil the child" you won't. Because it isn't in there.

The verse that comes closest appears to be a verse in Proverbs which reads, "Those who spare the rod, hate their children, but the one who loves their child disciplines them diligently."

There is nothing in Proverbs that says "suspend your child in the air and whip him because he was unruly in school."

However there is THIS in Proverbs, which members of Pastor Allen's congregation might want to consider:

(QUOTE) Do not make friends with a hottempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared. 

That one seems pretty clear.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CAMPAIGN
Moved: 3/23/2001 8:40
CBS-CAMPAIGN 3/23/2001

Campaign reform with a twist. This is DR...

As you know campaign finance reform is now being debated in the Senate, and here's the latest development.

Dateline Washington  In the campaign finance debate, the Senate has voted for a provision to help cut the high cost of political campaigns. 

It voted 70-30 to require television stations to offer candidates primetime commercials at discounted prices.

Sen. Jon Corzine (DN.J.), who spent more than $60 million of his own money on his race, complained that a 30 second TV spot a week before the election cost him as much as $55,000.

That's the story. What does it mean. 

Well TV stations are required to offer discounts NOW, but very often they'll bump the discounted commercials out of prime time. THIS amendment requires TV stations to air the discounted political ads when people are actually watching.

And here's why I mention this.

Because, as a campaign reform, it's puzzling.

The whole idea of campaign finance reform is to take the influence peddling out of politics, right? To take the government out of the hands of the lobbyists, and give it back to the people.

That's why they plan to cut the amount of money that can be spent on campaigns. So far so good.

But what is that campaign money spent on? ADS! 

Well, if they pass a law that cuts the amount of money for campaigns, but then ALSO pass a law that cuts the cost of ads, what exactly, have they accomplished?

They've just lowered the cost of influence peddling!

Well, maybe they'll lower it to a point where you and I can afford it.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS STOCK MIR
Moved: 3/23/2001 8:40
CBS-STOCK-MIR 3/23/2001

The poetry of the universe.

This is DR...

Let us ponder the grand poetry of the universe, as I present to you two stories:

Dateline New York: The Dow struggled to recover as analysts pronounced the bull market at an end. 

That's story number one. Now story number two: 

Dateline: Fiji: -- Surviving fragments of the space station MIR slammed into a remote area of the Pacific Ocean as planned Friday morning, with no reports, of pieces hitting land.
Mir was in space for 15 years.

Do you see how the Universe is like an exquisite timepiece, with every part linked to every other part?

The bull market, the Mir space station.

Both were launched in the 1980's Both spent many years in orbit -- longer than anyone had a right to expect. Both saw occasional bumps and fires that had to be put out, both needed to be goosed occasionally to keep them going, but they survived. 

Both had their critics-- forever warning how rickety they were, but again and again, both defied the odds.

And in the end, what finally killed them both was that they ran out of money -- which is why they both crashed in flames at about the same time.

Ponder the poetry.

When you think about it, there is really only one major difference between MIR and the Bull Market.

At least MIR didn't hit anything on the way down.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS SHOOTING
Moved: 3/23/2001 8:40
CBS-SHOOTING 3/23/2001

Should it be covered. This is DR...

Another shooting at a school, and it automatically gets the helicopter treatment. This time, fortunately, only injuries. But we're all beginning to wonder what he standards should be for wall-to-wall coverage of school shootings.

There WERE a few things that made this latest shooting unique. In this case, the school resource officer drew his gun and stopped the gunman.

But the other details were very similar -- kids hear rumors that something would happen, a teenage male shows up with a couple of weapons, at first everyone thinks its firecrackers, then they see blood, and soon parents are rushing to the scene, followed by the counselors.

Are these shootings happening because there are more alienated kids? Because too many guns are too easily available? Or because the news coverage itself provides the inspiration?

Perhaps these things should be reported in only the most general way.

Instead of saying: Dateline EL CAJON – A student armed with a handgun and a shotgun opened fire at Granite Hills High School this afternoon, wounding four people...

We could try reporting it this way:

Dateline, America: An incident occurred in a suburb at a school, and some students were hurt. If you're affected you'll get a call. 

And in other news, there were several crimes and a couple of fires overnight, but the proper authorities are handling it. 

And on Wall Street, many numbers are in constant change, but your broker is on top of it.

---

That might work. In fact, after a few days, no one would bother watching the news at all.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CAMPAIGN FINANCE
Moved: 3/20/2001 9:02
CBS-CAMPAIGN FINANCE 3/20/2001

Battle lines. This DR...

The battle lines are drawn in the campaign finance debate. Some Senators are dead-set against it -- like Senator Mitch McConnell, who thinks it's unconstitutional:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS 74 CAMPAIGN FINANCE
Time: 10s
Out-cue: FIRST AMMENDMENT]

And on the other side are Senators like co-sponsor Russell Feingold, who say it is high time elected officials took a strong moral stand, and ended the "tyranny" of money politics:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS 120 CAMPAIGN FINANCE
Time: 7s
Out-cue: OR CORRUPTION]

Wait a minute -- did you hear what he said? Let's play that again:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS 120 CAMPAIGN FINANCE
Time: 7s
Out-cue: OR CORRUPTION]

That's what I thought he said. The appearance of corruption.

So even Senator Feingold, the co-sponsor of campaign finance reform, doesn't believe there is ACTUAL corruption, only the appearance of corruption.

Congress isn't REALLY corrupt, it just LOOKS that way on TV.

Now if he really means that, what he's saying is that the problem really isn't with the Congress -- it's with US!

We've grown so cynical, that when we see, for example, 37 million dollars going in one door, and then a tough bankruptcy bill coming out another door, we think the two are linked.

But it only LOOKS that way to the untrained eye.

What in fact is happening is the democratic process at work -- the evil is all in our heads!

Now this.

This is DR.... 
Index 

CBS FAITH BASED POWER
Moved: 3/20/2001 9:02
CBS-FAITH-BASED POWER

No short-term fixes. This is DR....

More black outs in California. And the President says he and his energy team have concluded there are no short term fixes.

It takes time to build a power plant; it takes time to drill in the arctic.

And in case you're wondering, Energy Secretary Spencer Abraham reassured everyone that there is no massive conspiracy among power companies to gouge consumers.

Consumers are getting gouged in ways that are perfectly legal.

Meantime, natural gas is short, the OPEC nations have cut production, the drought in the Northwest has reduced the amount of hydropower available, and there are even warnings energy shortages could spread to the Northeast. Plus you have pollution controls that can make it difficult to build new power plants, and price controls in California that make it unprofitable to build new power plants.

So all those government officials sit around that big conference table in the White House and listen to the President say profound things:

TAPE:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>ROSS-BUSH
Time: 9s
Title: Bush Cut
In-cue: Demand is increasing
Out-cue: Short on energy]

There you have it.

I think it may be time for another faith-based initiative. Faith-based electricity, my fellow Americans. Religious are apparently having trouble agreeing on the best way to rehab prisoners and break addicts of drug habits -- and you can see why: these are things with a moral component, involving personal faith.

The power issue is much simpler. We just flat out need a miracle.

So how about it?

California already has the candles lit.

Now this.

This is DR.... 
Index 

CBS CAMPAIGN FINANCE
Moved: 3/19/2001 8:42
CBS-CAMPAIGN FINANCE 3/19/2001

Stop us before we give in again! This is DR...

The debate on campaign reform is underway -- led by Senator John McCain, and there's no backing down this time.

He's after the soft money -- the money that goes to the parties, and isn't restricted by things like "rules."

They call it soft, because there's not quite so cuddly in politics as a big wad of unrestricted cash.

This time, it's an all-out war until it's gone.

And there's about as much chance of getting rid of it as eradicating the Colombia coca crop. Probably LESS. At least we have a SPRAY that works on the coca crop.

But here's the question we have to ask.

Why does money seem to work so well?

Why is it that when organized labor, or the Banking Industry or the Energy Industry gives a pile of money, they get the laws they want? Isn't that called quid pro quo? Isn't that what outraged everyone about Clinton's pardons?

You see, if a majority of Congress really wanted to stop the influence of campaign money what they could do when one of these overly-generous lobbyists asks for an appointment is say the following: "I'm sorry, but I'm busy meeting with constituents who DIDN'T give me money."

These lobbyists would be free to exercise their constitutional right to give as much as they want, they just wouldn't get squat for it.

No need for legislation -- just give the staff a list of the member's most generous donors with instructions that these are the people whose phone calls will NOT be returned.

Otherwise, it's a little like a fat person blaming it on the Dove Bars when the PROBLEM is his decision to EAT so many.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CONGRESS EMAIL
Moved: 3/19/2001 8:42
CBS-CONGRESS-EMAIL 3/19/2001

They've got too much mail. This is DR...

A new study of e-mail shows that Congress is now getting 80 million messages a year, and they're growing at the rate of 1 million a month.

And according to a report from George Washington University -- I hope you're sitting down -- not only is no one reading them, but no one's even programming computers to send out sincere-sounding replies!

A pretty sorry state of affairs for the world's richest nation.

This is why you need something that will make your e-mail rise above the rest. That's where I can help because I... was an English major.

Just follow these tips. First, use the proper form of address. For a member of Congress, it's always the "Honorable so-and-so."

Begin your letter "Dear Congressman, or Congresswoman" followed by a colon.

State your argument in no more than five sentences. 

And always conclude with the following phrase:

"It was a pleasure raising $100,000 for your last campaign."

I'll say that again slowly so you can copy it down:

"It was a pleasure raising $100,000 for your last campaign."

Include that phrase, and you will get not only a reply but a personal phone call, especially if you actually did.

Another phrase that gets results is this one: "It was a pleasure raising $500,000 for your last campaign."

You see, it's not just a matter of crafting an argument, because they've heard all the arguments. The trick is to give them a reason why YOUR argument is the one they most want to hear again. And as the banking industry, the gaming industry, and the coal industry can tell you, these key phrases usually do the trick.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BERETS
Moved: 3/16/2001 11:17
CBS-BERETS 3/16/2001

Berets for everybody! This is DR...

The army was looking for a way to boost morale - and came up with this splendid idea. Since everybody respects the Specially Trained Army Rangers and their black berets, why not give EVERY soldier a black beret!

That way they could FEEL like a ranger without the hassle of all that training. The army has since relented; the rangers will get to wear TAN berets.

But now there's another issue.

It turns out the companies that usually supply berets to the army are unable to make them fast enough. And so those companies have been subcontracting the job to other countries, which means a substantial number of the berets will be made ... in CHINA.

This got representative James Trafficant of Ohio really angry. First the Air force bought Chinese boots, now Chinese berets -- what's next, he wondered, at 17 cents an hour, will the Pentagon hire Chinese soldiers?

Now the idea of watering down the significance of the berets and importing them form China -clearly that's a slap in the face. But the part about HIRING Chinese solders... I think we ought to give that a second look.

Here we are building this 60 billion dollar anti missile system -- but if could just HIRE the armies of our potential opponents -- think about it... We could likely hire the Chinese army, the North Korean army - any rogue army we wanted -- and instead of having to shoot at them, we could just give them orders.

And the first order would be to abandon the missile silos. The second order would be return to your villages, And start making berets.

Now THAT would be a morale builder.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS BANKRUPT
Moved: 3/16/2001 11:17
CBS-BANKRUPT 3/16/2001

If you plan to go bankrupt, better do it now. This is DR...

The Senate has passed the new bankruptcy bill. Now you might wonder why, of all the issues facing America just now, such as shrinking retirement funds, the lights going out in California, etc., why changing the BANKRUPTCY law would be so important. 

Well let me explain. It's so that a long-standing injustice could finally be corrected. I of course speak of the oppression suffered by innocent law-abiding credit card companies. 

-- Credit card companies who are so accommodating you don't even have to ask them for one of their credit cards. They call up and OFFER them to you. Repeatedly. They send you colorful mailings with all sorts of discount offers.

And because they know that sometimes you lose these mailings by mistake, they send you free replacement mailings.

And yet how have you, the consumers of America repaid them? Well, you HAVEN'T in too many cases.

When bad things happen to you, such as when you lose your job, you have too often been using the bankruptcy law to stiff the credit card company. Many of you have put your other expenses -- such as food -- ahead of making sure the credit card company gets its 18% interest. DO you understand how WRONG that is?

So to make sure you understand, the House and now the senate have both passed tougher bankruptcy bills. Don't worry -- the credit card industry isn't looking for a free ride here -- they paid Congress for its trouble. Their contributions to federal candidates during the 2000 campaign total led 37.7 million dollars, so at least they're pulling their weight. No thanks to you deadbeats I might add. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BANKRUPTCY2
Moved: 3/16/2001 11:17
CBS-BANKRUPTCY2 3/16/2001

The same lobbyists. This is DR...

Last week the Congress said this repetitive motion stuff is a lot of nonsense and the federal government is not going to make companies do anything about it. 

THIS week, the congress voted to make the bankruptcy law tougher. And according to the New York Times, some of the same lobbyists were pushing both bills.

We need a name for this lobby. I guess you'd have to call it the RESPONSIBILITY lobby.

Because these people clearly believe that Americans need to be responsible for their actions.

Americans who are dumb enough to type as fast as their employers tell them shouldn't be allowed to come back and gripe about repetitive motion -- because after all, they're the ones who never learned to type properly.

And furthermore, if they lose their job as a result of never having learned to type properly, and then try to skip out on their credit card bills, they need to be taught a lesson. Anyone who is dumb enough to actually SIGN up for a credit card with a 21% interest rate after receiving weekly offers in the mail and repeated calls at home shouldn't come crying to the courts for help.

At the same time the responsibility lobby made very sure that the bill did nothing to restrict the credit card marketing practices. Nothing to require them to disclose total interest payments. Nothing to stop them from offering credit cards to anyone with the strength to open an envelope. The responsibility lobby made certain that banks would be able to continue baring their financial breasts in a crowd of drunks hoping to get groped.

Because there's only one way to describe that kind of behavior -- responsible.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BANKRUPT3
Moved: 3/16/2001 11:17
CBS-BANKRUPT3 3/16/2001

Deadbeats on the run. This is DR...

The bankruptcy bill that just passed the Senate has been criticized as cruel and unnecessary.

Critics have slammed it as another way for greedy credit card companies to stick it to people who've suffered a financial reversal due to illness, or an injury, or divorce.

Well maybe, yes, that could be.

But even if that's true, it's not the whole story. 

According to retail industry spokesman Mallary Duncan, this isn't just for the credit card companies:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS 189 BANKRUPTCY
Time: 11s
Out-cue: BANKRUPTCY]

These business will save money. And what will they do with the money they save?

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS 188 BANKRUPTCY
Time: 13s
Out-cue: LESS EXPENSIVE]

You see? It SOUNDS like they want to share the savings with US! As much as $500 a year!

Now I didn't know that.

But it gave me this idea. See what you think: the bankruptcy bill is now headed to conference committee. Suppose in the conference committee the members add an amendment that actually ORDERS the credit card companies to pay us the five hundred bucks? Eh? Because sometimes these promises have a habit of disappearing.

And it would be easy to do -- just credit every HONEST credit card user with $500 at the beginning of the year.

E-mail your congressman. Tell him the retail industry says the money is there.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BUSH2
Moved: 3/15/2001 10:57
CBS-BUSH 3/15/2001

Flip flop, or something else? This is DR...

The media's jumping all over the President for his flip-flop on carbon dioxide emissions. On September 29th, he said he'd require mandatory emissions controls that included carbon dioxide, now, of course, he says he was wrong.

And everybody says he flip flopped because he led people to believe he was serious about the greenhouse gas problem, which Republicans have typically poo-poohed as bad science; something made up by those crazy bureaucrats at the UN.

People point to his convention speech and how he defied the Republican stereotype:

_...Clean /04

They remember how he sounded every bit the environmentalist -- 

_... will not turn back.

We will not turn back.

People may wonder may wonder in light of his recent reversal on carbon dioxide whether he meant those words.

But that is unfair. Because remember what else the media has been badgering him to do: Right -- to be BI-PARTISAN.

So perhaps we should look at this whole debate in a different way:

Everybody said that a President who won by a single Supreme Court vote would have to be bi-partisan. Well, on the carbon dioxide issue, that's exactly what he's done.

He's changed his mind about carbon dioxide from the Democratic view back to the Republican view.

That's bi-partisan.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BUSH
Moved: 3/15/2001 10:57
CBS-BUSH 3/15/2001

Oh, those definitions. This is DR...

You think a word means one thing, and then it turns out it meant another thing all along.

In a speech in Saginaw Michigan, on September 29th, George W. Bush was clear. He was actually MORE of an environmentalist than Al Gore.

He was not just in favor of reducing power plant emissions -- he wanted to make those cuts MANDATORY:

TAPE:

A little stumble there - but he eventually settled on the word Carbon DIOXIDE - and notice he said he would REQUIRE reductions.

It reassured Democrats that this guy Bush was no ordinary Republican. He REALLY cared about the environment.

Some Republicans thought it was a typo. but it was no typo. Christie Whitman, head of the EPA, kept saying the same thing: that this administration would regulate carbon dioxide. Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill joined the chorus.

And then something changed. 

The President is NOW saying that because of the power crisis, he would have to cancel his promise, and CO2 would now be AOK. But was it the power crisis that made him change his mind?

According to the Center for Responsive Politics, which tracks campaign funding, the coal industry raised 3.4 million dollars for Republican candidates and causes last year, including $114,000 for the president. 

And the coal industry didn't want the rules. The National Mining Association didn't want the rules. The Competitive Enterprise Institute didn't want the rules. James Harlass, head of a West Virginia Mining company that gave 100,000 dollars to the Bush Inaugural fund didn't like the rules.

And now, they have nothing to worry about. Because, upon further research, it turns out that Carbon Dioxide is not a pollutant under the Clean Air Act anyway.

You see? It all depends on what the definition of a pollutant is.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS RESSAM
Moved: 3/14/2001 12:04
CBS-RESSAM

Just a dupe. This is DR ...

The defense in the LA trial of accused terrorist Ahmed Ressam says he's hardly a terrorist. Ressam is the man accused of sneaking 100 pounds of bomb-making fertilizer and high explosives into Washington State in December of 1999. His arrest caused the Mayor of Seattle to cancel the annual party at the Space Needle.

But according to the defense, Ahmed Ressam was just a dupe -- guilty of nothing more than being quiet, and gullible. He had NO IDEA that his rental car was packed with high explosives.

Ressam, his attorney explained, was just a desperate young man fleeing the war in Algeria, hoping for a better life. There is no evidence he had any idea what was in the trunk of that car.

Maybe not. The customs agents who stopped him certainly had no idea. They thought that white powder in those garbage bags was cocaine.

They saw an olive jar filled with a viscous fluid they thought looked like honey. And they found some pill bottles of the type that might hold ... Vitamin C. They also found some casio watches wired to nine-volt batteries. Well you know the drug store NEVER carries the right size.

But they also noticed something else. You see, as the agents were going through the cocaine, and the honey, and the Vitamin C bottles, Ressam was handcuffed and watching from the back seat of a nearby police cruiser. And when he saw the officers shaking the pill bottles, he would dive to the floor. He did this about six times.

Now why would you dive to the floor when someone shakes a pill bottle? Vitamin C doesn't taste ... THAT bad. 

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS STOCKS
Moved: 3/14/2001 12:04
CBS-STOCKS 3/14/2001

Man that stock market is ugly. This is DR...

Ugly. Just when it hits bottom, they move the bottom.

The stock charts look like Dick Cheney's EKG.

And when you listen to the analysts -- do you ever get the feeling that maybe they don't know what they're talking about?

All this stuff about earnings and rates of return and the cooling off of the tech sector. You know something? I have a feeling that the real reason stocks are DOWN is that everyone turns on the TV and sees that STOCKS ARE DOWN!

The reason investors are so worried is that they look around and see that OTHER investors are worried.

So they sell their stock because they want to be able to touch what little money they have left. But they don't plan to buy anything with this money, because they're worried, and because tax day is coming, so they just sit on it, which means sales go down. And as sales go down, inventories go up. And as inventories go up, investors get even MORE worried because now they actually have something to worry about.

These depressing market reports have to stop! Somebody shut down those cable channels! You think any normal investor actually understands all that research anyway? Heck if they wanted to work THAT hard to make money they'd just get a better job.

In meantime, there IS something the government could do. PRINT MONEY, and just hand it out! 

This tax cut is taking forever. Just PRINT some money, and just leave it in big barrels labeled "Free money, take some."

That's really all that we investors have been after anyway. The whole stock pretense is just a charade.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS STOCKS2
Moved: 3/13/2001 9:05
CBS-STOCKS2 3/13/2001

A tale of two news stories. This is DR....

I heard a strange thing on the news today -- that bad earnings reports are the main reason for the stock plunge.

Now -- why does every care about earnings all of a sudden? I thought the more money a company LOST the more valuable its stock was? Remember the days when everybody was saying that?

That's why I want to read you two news stories.

I'd like you to listen to them, and see if you notice the main difference between them:

NEW YORK (AP) -- Investors alarmed by a series of warnings from high-tech companies pummeled stocks Monday, sending the Nasdaq composite index skidding below 2000 for the first time in 27 months, 62% below its all-time highs, and slicing more than 400 points from the Dow Jones industrial average.

Market analyst William Meehan said of the stock bubble (QUOTE) ``It was just pieces of paper, it's not real. It's not wealth. It's not money. It's just an illusion.'' (UNQUOTE)

OK, that's story number one.

Now story number TWO.

Dateline Phoenix: A federal judge today sentenced Richard Mountain to 21 months in prison for bilking investors out of thousands of dollars by selling rocks that he claimed were gathered on the moon by the crew of Apollo 11.

Federal authorities say Mr. Mountain netted close to 100-thousand dollars from investors. As part of his sentence, he's been ordered to repay his victims.

Now can you see the difference between those news stories? Yes -- in the back? That's right -- the guy who sold the fake moon rocks will have to REPAY his investors.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS WALL STREET BLANKS
Moved: 3/13/2001 9:05
CBS-WALL STREET-BLANKS

And now - it's time to Fill in the Blanks. This is DR...

Here it is, Fill In The Blanks, where I read a news story that you've heard way too many times, and you get the chance to play along at home by simply filling in the ... BLANKS.

Wall Street this week has been battered by a wave of SELLING. In fact, it seems that everybody has been selling except ... YOU!

Analysts say it's the beginning for a... BEAR MARKET. But it seems that everybody knew that except ...YOU. Because your stock broker has been calling it a ... BUYING OPPORTUNITY.

Which is why a week ago, you decided to buy ...CISCO SYSTEMS. Because you believed the experts who said that market had ... HIT BOTTOM.

But now you know that you were... AN IDIOT. Because you could have made more money by taking your cash and putting in... A BLENDER.

Experts say don't worry, there is a lot of... UPSIDE POTENTIAL. However, the only upside potential you can see is the potential that you will be smacking somebody ... UPSIDE THE HEAD.

Just remember: the last thing you want to do is... PANIC. As it turns out, the time to panic was ... LAST YEAR. When prices were ... HIGH. And you could have ... MADE MONEY.

Right now prices are low so that if you panic you will ...LOSE MONEY. You will lose ... A LOT OF MONEY.

Which is why you plan to spend the whole day ... NOT PANICKING. 

Besides, the people who should be panicking are the politicians who thought the stock market would be an excellent place to put your ... SOCIAL SECURITY.

They have been... REMARKABLY QUIET.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS COLD WAR
Moved: 3/12/2001 8:51
CBS-COLD WAR 3/12/2001

A little help from your enemies. This is DR...

Over the weekend, Princeton held another one of those conferences where former national security officials discuss how the US won the Cold War.

Little by little we're learning that the breakup of the old USSR wasn't as spontaneous as we once thought.

For example, during the Carter Administration, the CIA designed a program to inflame ethnic tensions and get the various nationalities in the Soviet Union to think about breaking away.

It worked.

But here's the cleverest idea the spy folks came up with: they wanted a way to get the Soviet military to waste money on useless military programs -- and one of the MOST useless programs was their chemical and biological weapons program. Their stuff just didn't work.

So from the mid-60s to the mid 70s, the FBI and the Army planted a little DISINFORMATION: they convinced the Soviets that WE were continuing to make such weapons, even though we'd signed a treaty promising not to.

The theory was that if the Russians thought WE were secretly violating the treaty, they would secretly violate it too, and continue wasting money on their crummy bio-weapons.

Said a former CIA officer who attended the conference, (QUOTE) "It kept them fooled for a long time". But, unfortunately, he went on to say "It turns out they developed some very effective chemical and biological agents" as a result of the whole charade.

Now isn't THAT special. But that's the nice thing about covert operations -- you don't have to reveal your mistakes until someone holds a conference at Princeton 30 years later.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS FAITH BASED
Moved: 3/12/2001 8:51
CBS-FAITH BASED 3/12/2001

Now religious groups are upset about the faith based programs?

This is DR....

That's what it says in the Washington Post -- that President Bush's idea to give federal money to faith-based social programs is running into trouble NOT with the ATHEISTS, but with the very religious leaders whose programs would get the money!

The objections are coming from people like Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell.

Rev. Robertson wrote in the Wall Street Journal that he has two objections: number one, that under the rules you could TREAT people but you couldn't make them pray on the government's dime; and number TWO, he doesn't like the idea that some of the money could go to groups like the Hare Krishnas, the Scientologsts and the Moonies.

He proposes that instead of the government awarding grants, that TAXPAYERS get a dollar-for-dollar tax credit for any donations they make to an approved treatment program.

That would mean that if you owed $2000 in taxes, you could give $2000 to a faith-based program, and owe NO tax. Essentially, TAXPAYERS INDIVIDUALLY would decide which faith-based program the government pays for.

Hmmm. Who do you suppose would get the most money under that system -- the church organization with the biggest TV empire, maybe? 

I thought the original concept was pretty good. Let any religious group apply; let them use whatever method seems to work, including prayer, and have the bureaucrats keep precise statistics.

And at the end of a year, maybe two, we could settle an age-old question: whose prayers get visible results, and whose prayers don't.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS TESTS
Moved: 3/9/2001 8:37
CBS-TESTS 3/8/2001

SAT - RIP. This is DR...

So the University of California is considering dropping the SAT as an admission requirement. An unfair measurement of ability, says the UC President, potentially devastating impact on self-esteem.

Yes, but that's only for those who screw it up.

There's another group involved here, namely, those that nail it.

Look around -- kids today are starved for initiation. Heck, the jocks are so desperate they form fight clubs to beat up their friends.

But for some of us, the way to prove yourself was to pick up a number two pencil and beat the SAT:

Entering that silent school on a Saturday morning. Poker faced proctors. Just filling in "date of birth" made the sweat stains appear.

No-nonsense instructions, read word for word from the booklet like scripture. "Break the seal on your books. Do not turn the page until I tell you to do so. You may begin."

Panic attacks -- answer the easy ones first. Don't guess unless you eliminate two answers.

And no gray areas. You are right or you are wrong. No appeals. And it's the fact that you might fail that makes you feel so high when you don't -- when you get that magic number that opens all the doors.

Of course, I speak as one who succeeded. Modesty forbids revealing my score. Especially on the Biology AP test, but let me just say: the one question I missed annoys me to this day.

No I never took another biology class -- but I felt like a genius for at least a month.

So please remember, University of California -- not everybody screws up the SAT.

And in your zeal to remove the agony of defeat, don't forget the thrill of victory.

Now this.

This is DR 
Index 

CBS NO THREATS
Moved: 3/9/2001 8:37
CBS-NO THREATS 3/9/2001

How many times do we have to say this -- NO THREATS! This is DR...

Northwest Flight 52 was preparing for takeoff Wednesday from San Francisco when the flight crew announced that "all cell phones must be turned off at this time." We all know cell phone signals can scramble a plane's electronics. And the crew has enough to do with the drunken maniacs in first class trying to break into the cockpit.

Anyway, on this particular flight a man and a woman seated next to each other happened to be talking on their cell phones. Upon hearing the announcement, the man obediently turned his off, but the woman did not. So the man looked at the woman and said "why don't you turn that off, because it could interfere with the flight and bring the plane down."

The woman then notified a flight attendant -- that the man next to her had just said "he might bring the plane down."

"I didn't say that at all" said the man, but no matter, the captain turned the plane around and headed back to the gate -- where the police quickly determined that the man with the cell phone was not a terrorist, but merely a man with a cell phone. 

-- Who was now going to need to find another flight because during the investigation his flight to Detroit took off without him. Took off with a passenger aboard who apparently has a habit of using a cell phone when it is not safe to do so.

But this is what I mean people. In any place where security is a factor -- never utter anything that might be considered even remotely threatening. And if you're uncertain about what that covers -- just ask your school-age kids. They know.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS NATIONAL SECURITY
Moved: 3/9/2001 8:37
CBS-NATIONAL SECURITY 3/9/2001

Nowhere to hide. This is DR...

Five days after the Santana shootings the nation walks on eggshells.

The message has been drummed into us relentlessly by experts: it could happen anywhere. And it's confirmed by events -- if a girl in a Catholic school can open fire -- where ELSE is there to hide your children?

We're in panic mode.

You see where the blame has finally come to rest in the Santana shooting -- on the kids who didn't speak up after hearing Andy Williams threats: they've been suspended from school for their own safety.

The message THERE is pretty clear -- when in doubt, speak out.

And so we now have a spate of suspensions across the country of kids making threats -- including a 13 year old boy in Cincinnati who was charged with inducing panic after officials at a middle school found a list of 22 people who supposedly would be targets of a NUCLEAR BOMB.

A NUCLEAR BOMB! Now where would an eighth grader get a nuclear bomb? Steal it from Los Alamos?

Kids are suspended over English papers, everyone is on the alert for suspicious whispers, those who don't inform the authorities are punished.... we all understand the sequence of events that got us here, but you realize what this is: it's the Red Scare again.

We're back to the days where the enemy was everywhere. Complete with blackouts where everybody turns out the lights and pulls down the shades -- only now we call them lockdown drills.

We won the cold war. We won the gulf war. And we're going to build an anti-missile system to win the next war.

So when does this National Security I hear so much about actually kick in?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BUSH TAX
Moved: 3/9/2001 8:37
CBS-BUSH TAX 3/9/2001

A tax cut! Run for your lives! This is DR...

The House has passed President Bush's tax cut - but wait! It still has to get through the Senate where it has an UNCERTAIN FATE!

That's what the AP dispatch says -- that the tax cut bill has an uncertain fate in the Senate.

Apparently President Bush's tax cut is controversial. Because he polls say so. It's just too big, is what we Americans are telling the pollsters.

And because we Americans think its just too big, and because it faces an uncertain fate in the Senate, President Bush is traveling the country to give it the hard sell. And to show his bravery, his first stop was South Dakota -- Tom Daschle country -- where he will try to convince those doubting South Dakotans that they want a tax cut.

I tremble for the man just THINKING about it! Standing in front of a crowd in the Midwest and trying to convince them to take some of their money back! The courage that must take -- like trying to trying to sell overpriced CDs to Napster users.

But no matter how difficult it is, he's GOT to REASSURE the people -- he's got to defuse their fear of their own money! 

Because otherwise there's going to be that big debate in the Senate, about the National Debt and fiscal responsibility."

Yeah right! 

Out here, we've already SPENT the tax cut  who are you kidding? I already know what car I'm going to buy.

Debate in the Senate? 

The House has just voted to give New Cars to everybody and the Senate is going to stop this?

Here's the deal: they'll pretend they tried to stop it, and we'll pretend we're upset that they couldn't. 

Now this.

This is DR.... 
Index 

CBS GUN OWNER
Moved: 3/8/2001 13:52
CBS-GUN OWNER 3/8/2001

Yes there are still heroes. This is DR...

As usual after a big school shooting story there were echoes around the nation. Even a stereotype-busting story from Pennsylvania where a GIRL at a CATHOLIC school was arrested ... for shooting and wounding a girl she'd been arguing with.

In the Santana High school case -- the DA will not charge the boys father under the state's criminal storage law, which punishes the gun owner when a kid mis-uses an improperly-stored gun.

In this case, the gun was locked in a gun cabinet, and somehow, little Andy, scrawny though he may have been, got into it. -- Another gun law that in this case, anyway, didn't work.

SO what DOES work, you must be asking.

Here's what works: 

Dateline HALLANDALE BEACH, Florida:

Hallandale High School personnel were called on Monday by a student's mother who said she had reason to believe her son, a 15yearold student, may have taken the family's .38caliber handgun to school.

School officials approached the boy who said he'd given the gun to an 18yearold classmate, Vincent Stewart. 

Stewart was carrying the gun when he was approached by school authorities and arrested. 

IMAGINE -- if we were not just a nation of proud GUN OWNERS, but a nation of proud gun owners who actually kept TRACK of our GUNS! We wouldn't need criminal storage laws, lockdown drills, emergency counseling.

Because the moment a firearm was missing, the owner would know about it, and report it! So the police could then take it OUT of the wrong hands, and put it back into the RIGHT hands.

Ah well, it never hurts to dream!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SCARY TEACHERS
Moved: 3/8/2001 13:52
CBS-SCARY TEACHERS 3/08/2001

Bring back the fear. This is DR...

In Las Vegas, a Firearms Training Institute has announced that it will offer free firearms training to any school staffer who wants it. On the theory that if the STUDENTS are going to be armed, maybe a few teachers should be too.

And you know why it's come to this? Because teachers today are just not as scary as they used to be. 

The education schools teach about learning styles and anger management and teenage stress, but they're stopped teaching how to scare the hell out of your class. And you NEED that once in a while.

I remember very well -- I had a shop teacher named Mr Klein. To this day I am not sure of his first name. Because I knew I would never need it.

Mr. Klein was not a particularly big man, but he was a scary man. On the wall of the shop class he had something called the board of education, beautifully finished and labeled with a wood burning tool.

And if anybody was, for example, horsing around with the drill press, Mr. Klein would get this strange expression on his face, and look up at that spot on the wall.

Then there was Mrs. Longo, the social studies teacher -- built like a fireplug; slight limp. 

She gave orders that our map of the Erie Canal should be drawn with two absolutely parallel lines. It took HOURS making sure the lines didn't touch. The fact that I still remember that assignment 35 years later should tell you something. 

These teachers were scary. They certainly weren't afraid of bullies. 

And while I'm sure they'd have been really handy with a gun -- when you can disarm a kid just by LOOKING at him, why bother?

Now this. 

This is DR.. 
Index 

CBS SHOOT2
Moved: 3/7/2001 8:34
CBS-SHOOT2 3/6/2001

Just another day. This is DR.

Every time there is a tragedy like the shooting at Santana High, broadcasters are criticized for blowing it out of proportion.

So I want to report the story the right way.

Monday, millions of American schoolchildren went to school without incident. They were taught by dedicated teachers, and came home a little smarter.

Some of them were teased, and taunted and called names. But most had friends they could go to. Or activities where they felt valuable. Or had a teacher who noticed something wrong, and said how would you like to sit down and talk to me about it?

Most kids went to school happy -- raised by parents who want to hear how the day went -- and who, if it went badly, could reassure them that adolescence passes, and the problems that seem so impossible now won't ALWAYS seem that way.

Many of these kids played video games the day before, or went to see movies their parents wish they hadn't seen, but then they came home on time, did their homework, kissed mom and dad good night, and got a good night's sleep.

There were ALSO some kids Monday who went to school depressed, and hopeless, and feeling trapped. Some of those kids thought about getting a weapon, and told friends about it, and those friends, being friends, took it seriously, told a counselor -- and the kid got help.

There were also some upset kids who knew were they could get a weapon, and actually TRIED to get it, but found that it had been carefully locked away. And so there was nothing in the backpack but books.

And that is how Monday began for every student in America -- except one.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS SCHOOL SHOOT
Moved: 3/7/2001 8:34
CBS-SCHOOL SHOOT 3/6/2001

Now what? This is DR....

So far we know that 15 year old Charles Andrew Williams, the kid who opened fire Monday at Santana High School, fits a familiar profile:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS 102 SCHOOL SHOOT
Time: 9s
Out-cue: LITTLE KID]

So today, we're talking yet again about legislation to stop bullying in school. 

We know that he told other people what he was planning to do. 

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>ROSS SHOOT CUT 1
Time: 8s
Title: students search kid
Out-cue: we searched him]

Kids were concerned enough that they conducted their own body search - but they didn't go to the school security guard. 

So today we're talking about more programs to get kids to trust their school security guards.

We know the boy's parents were divorced -- that'll add momentum to various proposals to make divorce tougher.

And there was one more thing. He had his dad's gun.

That's the gun he dropped when officers finally confronted him in the bathroom.

He dropped his gun, and told officers, "It's just me."

Interesting choice of words -- they say it all: With the gun, he was a crazed killer. The moment he dropped it, he was just another picked-on freshman.

But of all the details in this story, that's the ONE detail we can't do anything with.

Because that brings us dangerously close to blaming guns, and the gun owners who leave them within reach of kids. And you just can't legislate responsible gun ownership.

So we'll try to legislate love and see how that works.

Now this. This is DR... 
Index 

CBS GINGER 2
Moved: 3/7/2001 8:33
CBS-GINGER-2 3/7/2001

The scooter in you future. This is DR.

Inside Magazine now reports that inventor Dean Kamen's mystery invention -- called "IT" -- is indeed a scooter. An emission-free, two-wheeled, hydrogen-powered scooter.

The magazine says this represents the first generation of a new mode of transportation that could one day replace the automobile.

There appears to be a viral enthusiasm spreading throughout the tech world for this idea - visions of millions of commuters scooting to work on hydrogen power. But the real challenge is not going to be the technology. The real challenge, I think, is going to be equipping offices to hose the mud off your pants.

The real challenge will be to find commuters whose altruistic desire to commute without pollution trumps their desire for a stereo, air conditioner, and Corinthian leather.

The real challenge will be to find commuters brave enough to turn themselves into motorized pedestrians with your rib cage as your crumple zone -- at a time when the trend in commuting is to buy cars designed by the Pentagon.

Supporters of IT envision special guideways or IT-ways, so that at least you'd have a sporting chance in a collision. But even then, riding on a scooter still strips away perhaps THE most important characteristic of a car: the anonymity. Cut somebody off in a car, and you usually get away with it. Cut somebody off in a scooter, you could be recognized, and very easily beat up. 

Given the mindset of today's motorists, you want to be surrounded by as much sheet metal as possible.

Although -- I guess we could all travel in scooter convoys.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ERGONOMIC
Moved: 3/7/2001 8:33
CBS-ERGONOMIC 3/7/2001

Workers of America -- take a break. This is DR...

The Senate has voted to toss out those ergonomic rules designed to reduce repetitive stress injuries. Six Democrats joined 50 Republicans in voting for repeal. And just in time, too -- Senator Don Nickles of Oklahoma said the rules would have cost businesses 100 BILLION dollars.

Now -- does this leave the 500,000 people who suffer repetitive motion injuries each year DEFENSELESS? Of COURSE not!

We're Americans, remember -- we don't NEED no bleeding heart bureaucrats to help us.

The answer for repetitive motion injuries is to use a little imagination and stop repeating the same motions over and over again, people! Vary the routine! Think out of the box!

You slaughterhouse workers -- look for new ways to butcher the animal. Stop the line from time to while you dream up creative new cuts.

You jackhammer operators -- don't just stand there vibrating. Put the hammer down; polish the tip. Show some pride in your tools! Your boss won't mind -- and if he does, tell him that Senator Nickles says he's saving BILLIONS.

You cashiers -- tell your customers you'll get to them in a moment after you stretch.

You people who type -- flex your wrists. Walk around. Read a book. Your boss won't mind. And if he does, remind him that Senator Nickles says he's saving BILLIONS. Heck -- he may even give you a raise!

But Dave you say, suppose my boss DOESN'T let me do these things? Well, then, your fingers may start going numb. But don't let that bother you. Because if it gets bad enough, you fall under the Americans With Disabilities Act.

Now this.

This is DR.... 
Index 

CBS ERGONOMICS
Moved: 3/5/2001 13:46
CBS-ERGONOMICS 3/5/2001

More annoying rules. This is DR...

Senate Republicans this week plan to try to repeal the latest rules on workplace injuries. 

This whole effort was started in 1990 by Elizabeth Dole, Labor Secretary under Bush Senior. But it wasn't until the flurry of activity at the end of the Clinton Administration, that the President got around to putting them into effect.

And now businesses are panicked.

Because here's what the rules say:

If a worker reports symptoms of carpal tunnel syndrome, back pain, or tendonitis, the employer has to determine if the problem is workrelated.

If it IS work related, the worker is entitled to medical care and time off with pay.

And that's not all: the employer must ALSO determine if the job exposes other workers to the same risks, and if it does, to DO something about it.

Business leaders say these regulations are onerous, and overly broad, and will force some of them into bankruptcy, and they are hoping to get people to write letters to their Senators asking for repeal of the rules.

Let's see -- how would a letter like that go:

Dear Senator. I want you to repeal those new ergonomic rules.

If my job ends up crippling my hands or my back, I want that to be MY problem. Serves me right! 

You have some nerve making my employer pay for my rehab.

No wonder we can't compete with those imports! If my job cripples my hands or my back, I'll just get a job that doesn't require using my hands or my back.

I'll become a place kicker.

Thank you."

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS TUNNEL
Moved: 3/5/2001 13:46
CBS-TUNNEL 3/5/2001

Tunnel vision. this is DR..

The latest development in the case of accused spy Robert Hanssen is that in addition to all the other secrets he sold, he tipped off the KGB that there was a secret tunnel beneath the Soviet Embassy in Washington.

The tunnel project was disclosed in the FBI affidavits filed in the case and every newspaper in the country has been carrying the story.

Naturally, reporters asked Vice President Cheney -- whose house is just a few blocks from the Embassy -- to comment on the secret tunnel. 

And what did he say?

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>ROSS-CHENEY
Time: 3s
Out-cue: ]

You thought you were going to get the vice president to blow the lid on the secret tunnel? Forget it. It's a SECRET tunnel, and the vice president is going to keep it that way.

Now it PROBABLY isn't a secret from the Russians, because Hanssen told them about it, right? So there can only be one reason why the Vice President would say:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>ROSS-CHENEY
Time: 3s
Out-cue: ]

And that is -- because he doesn't want US to know about it.

Maybe because of the fuss American officials made when they learned that OUR new embassy in Moscow had been seeded with all sorts of bugs by sneaky Russian construction workers. We were outraged back then because we knew WE would NEVER play that kind of game.

So I tell you what -- to help the vice president out of this jam -- suppose you and I just kind of forget we ever heard about the secret tunnel under the Russian embassy.

Let's all practice together: "say - did you hear about that tunnel we built under the Russian embassy?"

"What tunnel, Dave?"

Very good. Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS TALIBAN
Moved: 3/5/2001 13:46
TALIBAN.CBS 03/01/01 5:37 PMDLR 1:25

Doing God’s will. This is DR...

Cultural leaders have expressed horror. But no matter: in Afghanistan, Taliban soldiers have begun destroying all statues.
— Including the 175foot statue of Buddha at Bamiyan, thought to be the tallest standing Buddha in the world.

It’s been there since the 5th century.

No matter — it, and the others are to be demolished by the army using any means available.

The order came from Mullah Mohammed Omar, who said such images were contrary to Islam. These idols were gods to the infidels, he said, and could be turned into gods again.

Museum curators have pleaded with the Taliban to donate the statues for preservation NOT as idols but as secular works of art.
But no dice. The statues are destined to be target practice for Afghan tanks.

Now, this may SEEM to be further proof that the Taliban are barbarians. But 
in fact, it shows they are models of Biblical morality.
Because if the Bible makes anything clear, it’s that God detests idols.

 Moses did in the Book of Exodus. When he caught the Jews worshipping the golden calf, what did he do? First he ground it into dust, mixed it with water and made them drink it, then he gathered the Levites together, told 
them to strap on their swords, and had them murder anyone they considered to be responsible for the idolatry.

The Bible says they killed three thousand that day.

There are many basic religious truths, but this is one of the MOST basic: all organized religion hates competition. It’s just that in the West, religions don’t control the government and so they can’t do anything about it. In Afghanistan, the they DO, and so they CAN. Now this.

~C:\WORKS\FILES\TALIBAN.CBS 
Index 

CBS PARDONS
Moved: 3/5/2001 13:46
PARDONS.CBS 03/02/01 12:08 AMDLR 1:23 

Mercy Run Amok, Day 40. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Now ANOTHER relative's name has surfaced in the pardon's story:

Tony Rodham  Hillary's OTHER brother  who sought and got a pardon for two friends of his  Edgar and Vonna Jo Allen. The Allen's were convicted of bank fraud in 1982, for using their banks assets to give loans to friends.

This is important because it indicates the pardon story is now moving into new territory: pardons from the PAST. THESE two pardons were granted a full YEAR ago.

So now investigators are checking out Tony Rodham, along with his brother Hugh Rodham, and Roger Clinton, the expresident's halfbrother. You may recall that the basis of the Roger Clinton story was that he wanted pardon's for six people, and his brother REJECTED all six.

So we have last minute pardons, nonpardons, and now OLD pardons to keep the story fresh.

And here's poor George W Bush, trying to sell his tax cut, and he can barely get himself a decent headline. Everybody seems to like him and yet that, in a way, is part of his problem. Nice guys finish below the fold.

The President has tried to send signals to stop these investigations, but no one's listening. It's as if certain members of Congress have a Clinton addiction. 

In which case, Mr. President, it's time for an intervention.

There is only one thing to do.

Mr. President, you should just repardon everyone Clinton pardoned.

That would make it a done deal. PLUS  it would have the added benefit of ticking everybody off, and might even make you sufficiently controversial to get as much coverage as the man you replaced. 

~C:\WORKS\FILES\PARDONS.CBS 
Index 

CBS EARTHQUAKE2
Moved: 3/2/2001 6:09
CBS-EARTHQUAKE2 3/1/2001

When your building gets a flat tire. This is Dave Ross...

Here in the Northwest there are now about three million people who can tell you what's it's like to be temporarily paralyzed.

Because that's the first thing that happens when the earthquake begins to rumble.

You stand there like an idiot for about five seconds and come up with all the reasons why you're not really feeling... what you're really feeling. You think -- now let's see, there was some street work going on last year. But no, this is not street work. Well, sometimes those trucks with the oversize loads drive by a little too fast. But no, this isn't a truck. Well -- maybe the building got a flat tire. But wait -- office buildings don't 
have tires.

And then.. you lock eyes with someone else who is in the same kind of denial, and suddenly -- it's like we all just realized we're naked:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>ROSS CBS5 PROD ROOM
Time: 10s
Out-cue: ]

And then you realize you're not only naked, but mortal:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>EARTHQUAKE-REAX-1
Time: 6s
Out-cue: GONNA DIE (2ND TIME) (LAUGHTER OUT)]

And then -- you laugh!

You know you were in REAL danger, but you laugh:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>QUAKE-KID
Time: 5s
Title: Isabel Reeb/1st grader at Maplewood co-op in Edmonds says she no
Out-cue: earthquake]

It's the same relief you feel after flying through a thunderstorm, or walking away from a car crash -- to have faced danger and survived.

It's why we have theme parks. I won't need to visit one for awhile.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS EARTHQUAKE1
Moved: 3/2/2001 6:08
CBS-EARTHQUAKE 3/1/2001

Terra Infirma. This is DR...

I'll certainly remember where I was when the earthquake hit: on the air, under the desk:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>ROSS-CBS CUT 2
Time: 5s
Out-cue: ]

Intellectually, I know I've had rockier rides. A roller coaster. A pothole. Turbulence over South Dakota. 

Yet you're never quite so helpless as when it FEELS like turbulence over South Dakota, but you're actually in an office building: no seatbelts, no flotation device, and several floors full of people and filing cabinets above your head. 

You wish the architect would come over the PA system and say "Folks this is normal. The building was designed for this, it'll be over in 45 seconds."

But that doesn't happen.

And as you get under the desk you're thinking, do I really want my body to be discovered next to a wastebasket?

At that point, I got up, figuring that at least I ought to go down reporting:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>ROSS CBS CUT 3
Time: 4s
Out-cue: ]

I'm not sure if it really helped anybody to be telling them that the skyline was still there. I should have been telling them to stand in a doorway and move away from hundred-year-old brick buildings... but you always think of the right words the next day.

Well, we'll all know what to do next time, because, as the seismologists were quick to tell us, this was the practice run:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>QUAKE-UW-b
Time: 8s
Title: Steele-this was NOT "the big one"
Out-cue: in our future.]

In the meantime, the captain advises that you keep your seat belt securely fastened.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS COLORADO
Moved: 2/27/2001 8:50
CBS-COLORADO 2/27/2001

Doing the right thing. This is DR....

In the Colorado Legislature, Rep. Dave Schultheis, R-Colorado Springs, wants parents think twice about divorce. So he has proposed House Bill 1342, to require parents to go through a year of counseling before a divorce is final.

Without the counseling, a judge would not be allowed to grant the divorce, unless it was a case of physical abuse.

Around 30 protestors rallied at the Colorado State Capitol against the bill Monday in protest, but Representative Schultheis is convinced that divorce has gotten too easy. Couples get lazy. They think just because the old spark isn't as intense as it used to be, they can call it quits regardless of the impact on the children.

It's strange -- remember when we had the big national health care debate? The slam on national health care was, do you want the same government that runs the post office running your health care system? [Forgetting for the moment that the government does not actually run the post office.]

So the government that couldn't be trusted with something as pedestrian as paying your medical bills, can be trusted to save your marriage?

Hmmm.

And yet a lot of people have this sense that America has become morally sloppy and we need a tougher moral code.

Well then, by golly, I say anybody who wants a tougher moral code should have a chance to sign up for it.

I could see a bill which says everybody who wants the government to decide matters such as divorce, or abortion, or homosexuality -- you can hand over your names to the police, and they'll keep a file.

And if they catch any of you getting a divorce, or an abortion, or engaging in homosexual behavior, they'll immediately arrest you!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PARDONS
Moved: 2/27/2001 8:50
CBS-PARDONS 2/27/2001

Latest news on the pardon front. This is DR...

The Washington Post reported Monday that Hugh Rodham, President Clinton's brother-in law, was pushing two more pardons that we hadn't heard of before -- pardons for two Democratic fundraisers named Eugene and Nora Lum -- who'd been convicted of making illegal campaign contributions.

However, despite this overture, the two were NOT pardoned, the Post reports.

Why is this significant you ask. This is significant because it indicates the coverage of the Clinton pardon scandal has now moved to the next phase -- that being: questions about pardons he DID NOT grant.

This should keep the story going through the spring -- which reporters desperately need because it is now becoming clear just what they face in the coming months.

That being a news catastrophe of Biblical proportions.

George W. Bush has done exactly two controversial things: proposed to cut taxes, and to drill in a very cold wildlife refuge. Issues the public is ALREADY bored with.

That's why America wants to know what Denise Rich was doing in the White House the night before her ex-husband was pardoned. If she was even there. The secret service logs say she was there, but SHE says she was on a plane. We also want to know why she even CARED that her ex-husband was pardoned? He cheated on her, for heavens sake! Now THAT'S news.

So George W. Bush gives his first Congressional address -- and we're all doing our best to tell ourselves how important and newsworthy it is -- but secretly, every reporter wishes Congress would just fork over the 100,000 dollars and bring Clinton in to give the speech.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS RECOUNT
Moved: 2/27/2001 8:50
CBS-RECOUNT 2/26/2001

Now it can be told. Ths is DR...

We now know have the information that the Supreme Court was protecting us from. You might want to ask any small children to leave the room. The Miami Herald has found -- after counting the uncounted presidential ballots -- that George W. Bush WON. 

And unless the recount is appealed to a higher newspaper, it's good news, because it means we don't have to hold another parade.

The margin wasn't as much as the OFFICIAL vote count led us to believe -- only 140 votes, according to the newspaper -- but he still won.

That means the Supreme Court didn't steal the election for the Republicans after all, and all those Democrats who've been calling George Bush the president-select will now want to apologize.

But the recount also uncovered something else.

You remember that when the story of the undercount first broke, we all figured it was crazy to think that 10,000 people wouldn't vote for president. That's what kept the story going -- the feeling that there must be some mistake. 

Well, of the 10,000-plus ballots that the Miami-Dade elections office identified as undervotes in the Presidential race they did indeed find marks that the machines didn't count -- BUT on 4,892 of them - they found no markings whatsoever in the Presidential boxes.

Nothing.

Which means that 4,892 people left their homes, got into their cars, drove to a polling place, signed their names, took a ballot, and then purposely didn't vote for president.

They wanted a "none of the above" choice.

Next time, let's just give it to them!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MICROSOFT
Moved: 2/27/2001 8:50
CBS-MICROSOFT 2/26/2001

The Government versus Microsoft, again. This is DR...

The Microsoft case is now before the federal appeals court in Washington D-C -- seven hours of arguments which the judges will use to decide whether the government should forcibly break up the company for the purpose of protecting the American people.

Which is why at some point, I hope someone explains ... from what.

I think that if you asked the American people what they'd most like to be protected from when it comes to their computers, they'd say they'd like to be protected from the stupid thing freezing up. Or shutting down. Or displaying those stupid "Retry, Ignore" buttons that never do anything.

My parents, for example, have just learned how to use e-mail. They don't care about which operating system they have, or which browser they have -- it all came with the machine -- all they want is some confirmation that the message actually go through.

So what do they do? They call me up.

Well of course I'm happy to get the call, but this ridiculous. And the court isn't touching any of these issues. Instead the court is trying to decide whether Bill Gates was the Eminem of the computer world. Whether he made mean and hurtful threats to the traumatized CEOs of his competitors.

Well, we all certainly hope the court gets to the bottom of that, because America's CEOs have it tough enough without this kind of verbal harassment.

I just hope you judges remember how long it's taken us to get our computers working out here -- and before you get to heavily into deregulating THEM, iron out that little power deregulation thing first, OK?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CONSCIENCE
Moved: 2/23/2001 11:47
CBS-CONSCIENCE 2/23/2001

A matter of conscience. This is DR....

In the Kentucky State Senate, Senator Elizabeth Tori says pharmacists who refuse to fill prescriptions for abortion drugs need protection.

And therefore, she has introduced a bill which would give it to them -- a bill which would say that any pharmacy employee who refuses to fill a prescription for an abortion bill as a matter of conscience could not be fired for it.

There was some debate, notably one democratic senator who said that pharmacists who don't want to fill certain prescriptions ought to find another line of work. Prompting republicans to suggest that he do the same.

But that was it. So it sounds like the conscience bill has a chance in Kentucky.

I just wonder why it would be limited to the abortion pill.

There are plenty of employees besides pharmacy employees who consciences collide with accepted retail practices.

There are sales people who know that some of the merchandise they sell is overpriced -- maybe even of lousy quality. Yet they remain silent because they need the job. With a conscience laws, however, they say:

"DON'T buy THAT, sir, it's a waste of money!" And they couldn't be fired.

There would be outbreaks of truth all over Kentucky -- because people could obey their conscience:

"SO how do I look in this dress?"

"You look like a scarecrow ma'am -- why would you pay that much for a dress anyway?"

"SO do you have any good used cars for $5000"? "Ha gimme a break! We buy these wholesale. I couldn't in good conscience take your money."

No, if there's any problem with the conscience bill, it's that it doesn't go far enough.

Now this.
[Other Examples: Vegan restaurant employee who refuses to put meat in box lunches. Waiter who refuses to serve gay people. Pet store employee who releases the puppies because he believes in animal rights. The grocery clerk who refuses to sell alcohol. Or the Bob Jones graduate who won't grant a building permit to a Catholic church.] 
Index 

CBS DECENCY SAT
Moved: 2/23/2001 10:38
CBS-DECENCY 2/23/2001

Defending decency. This is DR...

We haven't heard much about the new decency commission that Mayor Giuliani wants to set up in New York to stop the glut of smut that's been appearing in New York museums. 

Photographer Renee Cox, who started all this talk with a work called Yo Mama's Last Supper, says she doesn't consider ANY image so sacred that it should be off limits. If Da Vinci can portray Jesus as an Italian, then she can portray him as a naked black woman.

She thinks a decency commission would be unconstitutional.

But I think there's a way we could make it work -- I think there's a way for a Decency Commission to be not just constitutional but to actually be effective.

The problem is putting indecent art off limits to EVERYONE, since there might be some who want to see it. The solution, therefore, is to put indecent art off limits ONLY to those who DON'T want to see it.

So here's what you do. You set up the Decency Commission, give it a phone number and an e-mail address, and then people who object to a work of art would contact the Decency Commission, giving THEIR names, AND the piece of indecent art they object to.

The commission would then GIVE this list to the museum guards who've been assigned to guard the indecent art in question.

And the MOMENT a museum guard saw any of those people attempting to see a piece of indecent art the said they didn't want to see, he would arrest them.

Finally! Museum guards would have something to do! Protecting US from the art!

It's completely constitutional; it protect the people who need protecting, AND it leaves the rest of us alone!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FAITH BASED
Moved: 2/23/2001 10:38
CBS-FAITH BASED 2/23/2001

Give God a chance. This is DR....

During the President's news conference, Helen Thomas, legendary Washington reporter, fired off an accusatory question at his about his faith based initiative, in which social services programs run by religious groups would get federal money.

She implied that this would create unnecessary religious strife in America.

The President defended his program -- but there HAVE BEEN several recent articles indicating that the faith-based idea is off to a rocky start.

Even though the President has said he doesn't care which religious groups apply for the money -- as long as their programs work -- some of the religious groups certainly care. 

Already, one Jewish group has protested the idea of giving money to the Nation of Islam prompting the office of faith-based initiatives to say don't worry, the Nation of Islam wouldn't see a dime.

We'll see. The President said ALL religious groups, and I doubt that he wants to be labeled a liar THIS early in the administration.

Nation of Islam, Hare Krishnas, Scientologists -- if their rehab works, then any fair grant program would have to share the federal money with them too.

And why not? This represents a tremendous research opportunity. Faith-based programs that get federal funds, will have to file reports documenting their success rates. PUBLIC reports.

Which could finally settle an age-old question.

If the purpose of religion is to set humankind on the path that is right and true -- and all religions seek to do this -- here, at last, is a chance to find out which religions do it best.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS LYNNE CHENEY
Moved: 2/22/2001 11:04
CBS-LYNNE CHENEY 2/22/2001

He just doesn't get it. This is DR...

Rapper Eminem doesn't get it. He hugs Elton John, he thinks he's made peace with the critics... Elton John ain't your big problem pal:

TAPE:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>LYNNECHENEY
Time: 86s
Title: SAVE
Out-cue: ]

(01)(01) "May I have your attention please. Will the Real Lynne Cheney please stand up? Thank you ma'm. Uh oh - we're gonna have a problem here.

(02) You ever the met the Vice President's wife? No, she ain't the tea and cookies type, aint no Hillaree letitbe type.

She's a college professor, she don't fool around with you little BSers, You think she cares you won a grammy? 

She's the national nanny and she's after your fanny: So you BETTER give a damn Mr Clark Gable, or she'll cover your mouth with a warning label. And when you're on TV, try to wear nicers clothes, cause the second lady's watching and you know her well, here we go:

(03) ('Cause) She's Lynne Cheney, year she's the REAL Lynne Cheney, and this Lynne Cheney is one angry lady so please give up, please give up.

(02) She's the lady with the husband named Dick  no not THAT kind, you moron, this is Dick CHENEY, Mr. Brainy.

(02) Not that other guy, you know, the son of the father who couldn't be bothered when some crazy accountant shot up his house... no, he was on the treadmill, I guess he meant well, 

But from what I'm hearing  the Cheney's are steerin, and there's a gal named Lynne, and she's after you Slim, and she aint on no treadmill and she aint in no gym...

(03) ('Cause) She's Lynne Cheney, year she's the REAL Lynne Cheney, and tis Lynne Cheney is one angry lady so please give up, please give up. 

('Cause) She's Lynne Cheney, year she's the REAL Lynne Cheney, and tis Lynne Cheney is one angry lady so please give up, please give up. 
Index 

CBS GRAMMYS
Moved: 2/22/2001 9:51
CBS-GRAMMYS 2/22/2001

Elton John grants a full pardon. This is DR...

On the stage of the Staples Center, it was love and harmony everywhere you looked. In a year where we thought the Grammys would be ROCKED by controversy, the bad boy was a good boy. 

Eminem, the say-anything rapper whose lyrics have our cultural guardians rushing to cover the ears of America's youth won three grammies, and accepted it like a pussycat:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS 37 GRAMMY
Time: 9s
Out-cue: IT ISN'T]

And then the lion sat down with the lamb for a little jam.

The producers arranged a duet -- most intimate form of musical sex -- between Eminem, dressed in his baggy jeans and bandanna, and Elton John, dressed in yellow with pink polka dots just to make sure everybody got the message.

And we got the message. Say anything you want about anyONE you want, and no matter what people think, it will all be OK, if you hug a guy in pink, at the end of the day. 

Granted a full musical pardon.

It works on stage at the Staples Center but I wonder if you could try this at home? You know -- walk around spoutin' all sorts of stuff about women, bitch this, bitch that -- even your wife, say anything you want about gay people, fag this, fag that -- and then just show up at their house and say "Let's hug?"

Might work. Bring on a whole new day in America when nasty words don't count and nobody's offended. No more bar fights, no more road rage, daisies in the gun barrels.

I just wonder -- if it was one of those REAL peace hugs, or one of those Middle East peace hugs.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MARIJUANA
Moved: 2/21/2001 8:47
CBS-MARIJUANA 2/20/2001

The better to see you with. This is DR...

We all accept the idea that if a cop is passing by an open window and hears screams, he ought to investigate. That's why we hire cops.

But is that the same as what happened to Danny Lee Kyllo, in Florence Oregon?

In 1991, Narcotics agents using a thermal imager -- the Agema Thermovision 210, to be precise -- detected excessive heat coming from Kyllo's house, got a search warrant, found 100 marijuana plants under the grow lights, and arrested him.

Mr Kyllo protested -- arguing that to snoop on the heat coming from his house violated the fourth amendment.

The government says it was no different than hearing a scream, or smelling alcohol on the breath. The cops were simply engaged in passive observation, and happened to aim the Agema Thermovision 210 at his garage.

It will now be up to the US Supreme Court to decide whether taking a thermal image of your home is the same as simply looking at it.

But it doesn't look like this is going to go Mr. Kyllo's way, because face it: infrared cameras are everywhere. TV stations use them. Various satellites are taking your infrared image right now! You can buy night goggles at Costco. We citizens are just going to have to watch not only what we do -- but how much heat we give off while doing it.

And with this power shortage I predict the day is coming when having too much heat escaping from your home will be a chargeable offense all by itself.

It's 2001, and we might as well accept the fact that we ALL live in glass houses. And you know what that means. Grow your weed in the basement.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS WARMING
Moved: 2/21/2001 8:47
CBS-WARMING 2/20/2001

Another alarm. This is DR....

The United Nations has issued its latest report on Global Warming, and it's the most frightening yet. Scientists and officials of more than 100 countries met in Geneva last week, and warned of massive flooding, disease and drought hitting both rich AND poor countries as a result of higher temperatures.

The scientists waned that glaciers and polar ice caps would melt, entire species of plants and animals would die out, farmland would turn to desert, and small islands would be swallowed up by rising sea levels. And they also say it's happening faster than expected -- we could see consequences in a matter of decades, not centuries. 

The TV coverage of the report was accompanied by file footage depicting floods, tornadoes, and pieces of glaciers sloughing off into the sea.

As far as most scientists are concerned, the debate is over -- Global Warming is here, and human beings are responsible.

But there are still skeptics, including some scientists, oil and coal producers, and the Bush Administration -- who say there is no solid evidence that any unusual human-caused global warming is occurring.

So what are ordinary people like us to do? Push for changes in emissions standards? Do nothing? Well, assuming we have at least a 10, maybe 20 year lead time, I say think we all just act on on what we believe. Those who believe in global warming -- make sure your home is at an elevation of 200 feet; those who think it's a crock; buy land in Florida, right along the coast. Prices might be dropping in a few years.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS EMINEM
Moved: 2/21/2001 8:47
CBS-EMINEM 2/21/2001

Eminem's moment of truth. This is DR...

Lynnn Cheney, vice presidential wife and social critic, says she is amazed and dismayed that rock star Elton John plans to perform at the grammys with rapper Eminem. 

Eminem -- real name Marshall Mathers -- is up for four awards including album of the year, but far from being album of the year material, Cheney called Eminem's music the most extreme example of rock lyrics used to advocate violence against women and gay people.

And she's right. 

He ridicules gays, he ridicules women, he ridicules other rapers, he even ridicules himself:

Lyrics from the grammy nominated Marshall Mathers LP:

I just want you all to notice me and people to see
that somewhere deep down, there's a decent human being in me
It just can't be found, so the reason you've been seeing this me
is cause this is me now, the recent dude who's being this mean...

Yada yada yada.

In other words, "I got you all to spend $16 bucks just to hear me rant."

No, I'm actually not so much surprised that Elton John would agree to be there as that EMINEM would agree to be there. He has a lot more to lose.

Eminem is a "word bully" -- and the one thing bullies rely on is that no one calls their bluff.

So here's Eminem with all his tough guy words and he's going to be up there with Elton John? A gay guy? What Elton John should do is just smile at him. Maybe wiggle his pink glasses a little bit.

Because if he's not afraid of the bully, then no one has to be afraid of the bully. And if no one's afraid of the bully, then the bully isn't a bully.

He's just - bull.

Now this.
Index 

CBS SPY
Moved: 2/21/2001 8:47
CBS-SPY 2/21/2001

A spy in our midst. This is DR...

He seemed to live a normal suburban life -- he was trusted within the FBI -- but now Robert Philip Hanssen has been branded a spy and could face the death penalty.

How is it that anyone could be so duplicitous? What happened to right and wrong?

Well, lets read the story more closely: among the charges is that Robert Hanssen turned over the identities of three Russian agents "who had been secretly recruited to spy for the United States."

The article also says that the FBI got the bulk of Mr. Hanssen's espionage file from the Russian intelligence service. Now I don't imagine we just walked up to the receptionist and asked for it.

In other words, as outrageous as Mr Hanssens actions are, it appears that WE, the GOOD GUYS, actively recruit RUSSIANS to do the exact same thing!

In fact, that was one of Hanssen's jobs at the FBI -- he worked in the FBI unit that tried to recruit Russian spies as double agents -- to get them to do the very same thing HE's accused of doing.

Yet none of this tempered the official expressions of outrage:

Louis Freeh, head of the FBI, said Mr. Hanssen's activity "represents the most traitorous actions imaginable." 

President Bush vowed that anyone who betrays a trust like this would be found and brought to justice.

Attorney General John Ashcroft said "Individuals who commit treasonous acts against the United States will be held fully accountable."

I guess that high government officials are cut from special cloth -- able to express genuine moral outrage while at the same time employing people who commit the very acts they condemn.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PARDON AGAIN
Moved: 2/19/2001 8:53
CBS-PARDON AGAIN 2/19/2001

It just keeps going and going. This is DR...

The Clinton ex-Presidency continued in high gear over the weekend with his publication in the New York Times of an Op-Ed piece explaining his reasons for pardoning Marc Rich.

And you'll never believe this, but it RAISES even more questions, according to the headlines today.

For example, the ex-President noted in the piece that the case for the pardons was reviewed and advocated by three distinguished Republican attorneys: Leonard Garment, William Bradford Reynolds, and most significantly, Lewis Libby, who is now Vice President Cheney's chief of staff.

All three deny having anything to do with the pardon.

And yet the three lawyers do not deny that they all were once employed by Mr. Rich. According to today's New York Times, while on his payroll, they all argued that Mr. Rich was wrongly prosecuted. They argued that the US Attorney's office was overzealous in trying to turn a tax case into a criminal case. They argued it was wrong to use racketeering laws against Mr. Rich.

In short, they argued the very points that Clinton argued in granting the pardon.

There's only one thing they definitely did NOT do -- and that is, seek a pardon. No. Back when they were working for Rich, they apparently thought the case ought to be thrown out completely! Which would have made a pardon unnecessary!

Representative Dan Burton, whose committee continues to investigate the case, plans to write a detailed rebuttal. And I hope it will include how it is that an attorney who once argued that his clients charges be thrown out -- now finds a pardon so outrageous.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS EVOLUTION
Moved: 2/19/2001 8:53
CBS EVOLUTION 2/15/2001

The thinking of the Kansas State Board of Education has evolved. This is DR...

The Kansas State Board of Education has reconsidered and now evolution can be taught again. 

I know that according to creation science, the world was created between 6000 and ten thousand years ago, and there are ways to explain the fossil record, and the dating of rocks, to show that indeed the earth is NOT billions of years old.

Other people simply argue that any moron looking at the intricate structure of DNA cannot help but realize the helix didn't just spontaneously assemble itself, so God must have done it.

Although if God did it, since He probably didn't use tweezers, it would APPEAR that it was spontaneously assembling itself.

I think we can all agree that if the earth IS NOT billions of years old, the Almighty has clearly gone to a lot of trouble trying to make us THINK it is.

Being that he is the Almighty, I say we humor him.

But I stray. Because all of this gets us. We need to know which theory is right.

How about this: Creationists and Evolutionists in a competition to create a new vaccine. Whoever does it first, their theory is declared right.

When it comes to scientific theories, I tend to believe the scientist whose theory is so good, it can DO things. I believe the person who understands science so well that he is able to design a space ship that lands on the Moon -- or even more amazing -- travels millions of miles into orbit around a tiny asteroid until it makes a tiptoe landing it was never designed to make.

That's guy's theories ought to be welcome even in Kansas.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PARDON SLOW
Moved: 2/19/2001 8:53
CBS-PARDON SLOW 1/15/2001

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

Dateline Washington: The Senate Committee investigating the Clinton pardon or Marc Rich was expected to hear from an architect of one of history's most famous pardons - President Ford's pardon of Richard Nixon.

Attorney Benton Becker said he saw NO parallels between the Nixon and Rich pardons other than the controversy. Mr. Nixon, he said, had not renounced his citizenship, Mr. Nixon did not run from the law, Mr. Nixon was not a fugitive."

SLOW:

Mr. Nixon did not run from the law, Mr. Nixon was not a fugitive.

OK, but as I remember, Richard Nixon fired the prosecutor investigating his case.

And in fact, the fired the people who refused to fire his investigator, including his attorney general Elliot Richardson, and his Deputy Attorney General William Ruckelshaus.

No parallels.

So it's true that he didn't run from the law, just fired the people who enforced it! That would be as if Bill Clinton, at the height of the Monica scandal, had ordered Janet Reno to fire Kenneth Starr, and then been pardoned.

So I guess there ARE no parallels.

Now if Marc Rich had managed to get the people prosecuting him FIRED, then surrendered, THEN he WOULD have deserved a pardon, just like Nixon!

You see, the news always makes more sense when you read it... real slow.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ASHCROFT
Moved: 2/19/2001 8:53
CBS-ASHCROFT 2/15/2001

Where have all the stories gone? this is DR...

The John Ashcroft story has disappeared! All the warnings that John Ashcroft as attorney general would favor Christians and Christian beliefs seems to have evaporated.

And I think it's because he said he'd enforce the law, and this week, in a case involving Christian church, he did just that.

17 years ago, the Indianapolis Baptist Temple stopped withholding federal taxes from its employees paychecks, on the grounds that church members had a duty to obey only God.

The case worked its way through the courts until last month the US Supreme Court cleared ruled the church building could be seized for $6 million in taxes.

Leading the protest was Pastor Gregg Dixon who, along with a few parishioners, camped out in the church, determined that if the church building was seized, they would have to be seized too.

Would John Ashcroft, known for his Christian fundamentalism, order the marshalls in? The answer came Tuesday when federal marshalls rushed through a side door into the church while pastor Dixon and six others were gathered in prayer. When Dixon refused to move, he was lifted onto a guerney and wheeled out.

It was the first time on record that a church building had ever been seized for federal taxes.

"We had a promise from the Bush Administration," Dixon said, that the case would be dismissed.

But if there WAS a promise, it was trumped by the promise Ashcroft had made to the nation -- that the law would be enforced.

And so it was that a Conservative Christian Attorney general allowed the first-ever tax seizure of a conservative Christian Church. Good thing one of those liberals didn't do it.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SUBMARINE
Moved: 2/19/2001 8:53
CBS-SUBMARINE 2/16/2001

The civilians were the cause after all. This is DR...

Once upon a time, when I was in college -- a friend who'd just gotten his pilots license -- flew into town in his Cessna, and said, "Let's go up."

And when we were up, he said, watch this, and proceeded to stall the plane and let it drop.

He wanted to impress me. I just wanted to get the hell out. 

I mention this because I read today that the Navy made a significant admission about the surfacing exercise that sent the submarine Greenville slicing into that Japanese fishing trawler.

Navy officers now admit that they didn't need to conduct the surfacing drill. The reason they blew the tanks that day was to impress the civilian VIPs.

In other words, the civilians WERE the cause of the accident -- just not in the way everybody thought.

It isn't that they were pestering the crew, or pushing the wrong buttons -- it was because they provided that most addicting of all human temptations -- an audience.

It happens with new pilots. It happens with politicians -- stand in front of a receptive audience, and you're tempted to say whatever makes them clap. 

It happens to kids when they show off daddy's gun.

But it PROBABLY shouldn't happen on an attack submarine.

Even if it HADN'T hit the fishing boat -- there's something that doesn't sit wel about using a nuclear sub as a thrill ride.

Surely there are better ways to show hospitality.

There is no reason why civilians should be kept OFF naval vessels. But speaking as a civilian, let me say just being on the sub would be impressive enough. You don't need to give me any unecessary thrills.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PARDON
Moved: 2/14/2001 9:02
CBS-PARDON 2/14/2001

What about Switzerland? This is DR...

We know this much. Nobody can claim ignorance about Marc Rich, America's most famous pardonee. Type the name Marc Rich into any search engine and you get articles detailing every shady deal he ever made.

Near the top of the list, you'll get the Department of Justice's original crime alert:

"In April, 1980, Marc David Rich conspired with the Iranian government to purchase over six million barrels of oil, in violation of the trade embargo imposed against Iran by the United States. The payments were made fraudulently through American banks, etc.

On September 19, 1983, Rich was indicted by a U. S. federal grand jury on more than fifty counts of wire fraud, racketeering, trading with the enemy, and evading more than forty-eight million dollars in income taxes.

And then it says this:

"Rich was in Zug, Switzerland, at the time of the indictment but refused to surrender to U. S. authorities for trial."

Now what does that tell us:

That Marc Rich eluded prosecution for 17 years for one reason: He lives in SWITZERLAND. And Switzerland refused to turn him over! 

[Now the committee says it wants to go after Clinton, but he's out of office, so there's not much they can do to him. And the committee wants to go after the campaign donors, but since each and every one of them is beholden to big donors, THAT's not going to get very far.]

So how about going after Switzerland? How about hearings on its strange privacy fetish -- which protects even indicted tax-evading racketeers? The country is NOTHING but trouble. 

Talk about a quid pro quo -- maybe it's true that Rich's friends paid for his pardon, and if American officials were indeed bribed, that would be very bad. But look at the Swiss! Keep a few billion dollars in a Swiss bank account, and it appears you can bribe their entire government!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS HARLEM
Moved: 2/14/2001 9:02
CBS-HARLEM 2/14/2001

A Native son comes home. This is DR...

Well it was all a big misunderstanding. You remember that high rise office building in Midtown Manhattan where ex-President Clinton was planning to rent office space for 800,000 a year? 

Forget it. Deal's off. The ex-President held a news conference to announce that he'd found a new place. In fact, he said it was his first choice all along.

He'll be renting space in Harlem, America's most famous black neighborhood. Why Harlem? Because, he explained, he always felt at home there. In fact, he said, he used to walk through the area as a college student. 

The claim is being met with some skepticism by New Yorkers who are trying to picture a skinny white boy from Arkansas walking through Harlem in the 60's

Even Clinton seemed to acknowledge that it was a little strange:

Pick up from "The was back in the 60's"
[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>HARLEM3
Time: 19s
Title: WALKING DOWN 125TH
In-cue: SAVE
Out-cue: SAVE]

But remember the article Toni Morrison wrote in 1998, at the height of the Monica scandal? She came up with the theory that for African American men, Bill Clinton was America's first black President: raised in a single-parent household, born poor, eats at McDonald's, plays the sax. And when he was publicly strung up for a sex act? That cinched it.

And now, as an ex-President, it's still happening! All the stories about the pardons, the furniture, his speaking fees -- he gets profiled and pulled over once a day!

As we all know, it's always hard to tell what "words" mean when Bill Clinton utters them -- but in this case, the only thing weirder than Bill Clinton saying he feels at home in Harlem -- is that THIS TIME he may really mean it.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS KOURNIKOVA
Moved: 2/13/2001 8:40
cbs-kornukova 2/13/2001

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

Dateline NEW YORK: A computer virus is spreading rapidly in the guise of an electronic photo of teen-age tennis star Anna Kournikova

The virus has been overwhelming e-mail servers throughout Europe and North America, spreading as fast if not faster than last May's ``ILOVEYOU'' virus.

It comes as an attachment named ``AnnaKournikova" and carries the message ``Hi: Check This!'' 

SLOW:

It comes as an attachment named ``AnnaKournikova" 

Now we've all learned by now ONLY to open attachments that we've been expecting, or that have something to do with people we KNOW. 

Presumably, very few people receiving the message actually KNOW Anna Kournikova. So in opening the attachment, they're probably not expecting a family photo. Implying that millions of computer users were simply after a photo of the sexy teenage tennis star.

But that would SICK! 

No that can't be it. No. No. 

Wait a minute -- they probably have a friend who happens to have the same name as the sexy teenage tennis star! That's it. 

Yes -- the name Anna Kournikova is a probably lot more common in America than we think. "Oh the Kournikovas! We just MUST (*) have them over for DINNER again.

You see -- the news always makes more sense when you read it real slow.

Now this 
Index 

CBS HUA
Moved: 2/13/2001 8:40
CBS-HUA

Inspecting the troops. This is DR...

By all accounts, President Bush was a hit with the troops at Georgia's Ft. Stewart when he talked about raising their pay -- but there is one thing that has me concerned .. it was when he gave the troops the traditional Army cry:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>HUABUSH
Time: 2s
Out-cue: ]

The troops loved his speech about higher military pay... but his HOOAH....

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>HUABUSH
Time: 2s
Out-cue: ]

I dunno.

"HUA" stands for Heard, Understood, Acknowledged" -- but most of the meaning is in the sound.

It must be delivered with a certain testosterone-enhanced Je Ne Sais quoi:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>HUABUSH
Time: 2s
Out-cue: ]

And that ain't it.

So we enlisted several people to give it a try: here's my producer, who's been through the police academy:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>HZITO
Time: 2s
Title: SAVE
In-cue: SAVE
Out-cue: ]

Here's me recorded during my talk show:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>HROSS2
Time: 1s
Title: SAVE
In-cue: SAVE
Out-cue: ]

And here's CBS Radio News Anchor Christopher Glen recorded during a newscast:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>HGLEN
Time: 1s
Title: SAVE
In-cue: SAVE
Out-cue: ]

Here they all are once again:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>HUAMIX
Time: 5s
Out-cue: ]

And then of course, there's Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman:

Al Pacino:

REAL AUDIO

The President:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>HUABUSH
Time: 2s
Out-cue: ]

Al Pacino:

(REAL AUDIO)

The President:

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>HUABUSH
Time: 2s
Out-cue: ]

I think next time he visits the troops, he should just bring Al Pacino.

[Cart No: <QS-ROSS>HUABUSH
Time: 2s
Out-cue: ]

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FURNITURE
Moved: 2/12/2001 8:47
CBSFURNITURE 2/12/01 10:21 AMDLR

Missing furniture. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Let me see if I understand this story about the Clintons and their stolen furniture.

Some very respected network reporters have been telling us that the Clintons took furniture from the White House that didn't belong to them.

The companies that donated the kitchen set, the sofa, the ottoman say the gifts were intended for the White House itself, not the Clintons.

So now the Clintons have paid for some of the gifts, and returned others. And according to the news accounts, the gifts they returned were put in a moving van, and taken to a federal warehouse.

So then, as I understand it, the gifts that these angry donors intended to be gifts to the White House are now actually sitting in a U.S. Park Service warehouse. 

And since the Bushes clearly don't want anything that may have been touched by the Clintons, the furniture will be staying in that warehouse for a long time. 
Let's see  who pays to store all that stuff? Well: U.S. Park Service, government warehouse ... why I believe that, it's US!

So, in summary, to satisfy tickedoff furniture makers who couldn't abide the idea of their furniture leaving the White House with the Clintons, their furniture will instead sit unused in a warehouse, being stored on my dime!

Ah, well, if it makes an upholsterer happy, why not? 

Now these companies can put a special notice in their ads: "Furniture so good, it sits in a government warehouse!'

Now this.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS IMPEACHMENT SLOW
Moved: 2/12/2001 8:47
CBS-IMPEACHMENT SLOW 2/12/2001

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

Subject, Politics; Dateline, Washington.

"Former President Clinton could technically face a second round of impeachment charges over his controversial pardon of financier Marc Rich, a senior Republican said Sunday. 

"Sen. Arlen Specter said had concluded, after researching the matter, that Clinton "technically could still be impeached." 

SLOW:

"technically could still be impeached." 

Now a week ago, I said there were some people who would LIKE to be able to re-elect Clinton just so they could have the pleasure of impeaching him again.

BUT I WAS JOKING Senator...

Of course Senator Specter was the only Senator to vote "Not Proved" during the impeachment trial, based, he said, on his reading of Scottish Law.

So I suppose its not surprising that he would have found a law that allows the impeachment of an ex-President.

But look -- if you're going to impeach an ex-President over a questionable pardon, how about Gerald Ford? Here's a guy who wasn't even elected, and he pardoned Richard Nixon! Pardoned the guy who appointed him vice President and set him up to take over! Talk about a conflict of interest!

Yet Gerald Ford's out there playing golf! This menace to the nation, wild and free! Let's go get HIM! (THUNDERCLAP) Strip him of his golf clubs! It's not too late! 
Index 

CBS SOUL
Moved: 2/9/2001 12:11
CBS-SOUL 2/09/2001

Buyer beware. This is DR...

As we all know, there is no limit to what people will try to auction off on e-Bay.

Livers, Kidneys, virginity, pardons -- oh, wait you can buy those without using e-Bay! -- livers, kidneys virginity, even SOULS. And eBay spares no effort to protect their customers and prevent fraud. Whenever they find something like this that violates the rules, they pull the plug. 

But this time, one got through. University of Washington Student Adam Burtle was able to close a deal to sell his SOUL for $400.

The ad read "20 year-old Seattle boy's soul, hardly used... starting bid, one nickel" and there was a picture of Adam wearing an "I'm with stupid Tshirt."

Burtle doesn't care about the possible eternal consequences -- he's an atheist

He was just happy to see he price rise above $6.66, which is what his ex-girlfriend bid.

In any case, eBay officials were officially dismayed that they didn't catch the listing and remove it before the auction closed, and so now -- they have suspended Mr. Burtle from the site entirely. Now ... why, exactly? It's not like he has ANOTHER soul to sell. To make it clear that eBay protects its customers? I suppose -- but protect them against WHAT? 

Is someone going to pay $400 for an atheist's soul and then complain they were ripped off? 

To protect someone who would pay $400 for the soul of an atheist wearing an "I'm with stupid" T-shirt?

"I've checked my mailbox every day for a week! And the soul I purchased hasn't arrived yet."

Instead of of prohibiting the auction of souls, perhaps they should just encourage the auction of BRAINS.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS MARC RICH2
Moved: 2/9/2001 12:11
CBSPARDON2 2/09/01 12:37 AMDLR

Off the hook. This is DR...

Boy, the founding fathers sure screwed up on the pardon clause, didn't they?

Now we come to discover that people who get pardons are sometimes GUILTY! Except, if they weren't guilty, presumably, they wouldn't need pardons, right? 

What's this stuff about people "deserving" a pardon? Anyone who truly "deserves" a pardon, shouldn't need one, because he'd be free already.

As for Marc Rich, is really any better off because of the pardon? He's been living in Switzerland, beyond the grasp of the US anyway -- and even if the pardon lets him return to America, everybody now thinks he's the Spawn of Satan, so good luck finding a Condo association who'll let YOU in, pal.

I have to feel sorry for the guy. Here he spent millions allegedly buying off the Democrats, the government of Israel, the government of Switzerland, and still nobody likes him. 

Especially US politicians. There is bi-partisan disgust for the man.

Of course, if he does come back to the US, he can just BUY OFF all the people who don't like him -- because for all the outrage over this pardon and the implications that it was bought and paid for with campaign contributions, no one at the hearings seems to be seriously considering campaign finance reform -- which might help cut off the flow of money from people like Marc Rich. All anybody wants to do is impeach Bill Clinton again. Which ought to work better this time, since he's ALREADY been removed from office.

But if congress actually wanted to DO something they would pass CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM.

Call up Senator McCain  he'll tell you all about it.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS EMINEM
Moved: 2/9/2001 12:10
CBS-EMINEM 2/09/2001

In trouble again! This is DR...

Marshall Mathers, the rapper who calls himself Eminem, is in Britain now, drawing protestors who say he is homophobic and anti-woman:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS 122 EMINEM NAT
Time: 3s
Out-cue: MAKE MONEY]

He opened his show in Manchester armed with a chainsaw and wearing a hockey mask - showing that at least he understands how dangerous those wood chips can be.

But the protestors didn't see the humor:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS 122 EMINEM NAT
Time: 3s
Out-cue: MAKE MONEY]

Some people just don't think anything's funny.

For example -- among the vocal stylings -- Mr. Mathers did a number called Kill You, about a crazed fan who murders his girlfriend then kills himself. But it's JUST A SONG!

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS 122 EMINEM NAT
Time: 3s
Out-cue: MAKE MONEY]

Some people are always taking things literally. Like the time he rapped (QUOTE) "my mom smokes more dope than I do" -- his own Mom sued him for ten million dollars. Then he did a song described the fictional murder of his wife -- and SHE sued him for ten million. And for divorce. 

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS 122 EMINEM NAT
Time: 3s
Out-cue: MAKE MONEY]

He was just kidding! OBVIOUSLY, because she's still alive. Plus, you can tell he's contrite. During the concert he told the crowd he planned to drink himself to death, simulated his own execution by electric chair, and then popped some pills which he said were Ecstasy -- 

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS 122 EMINEM NAT
Time: 3s
Out-cue: MAKE MONEY]

Oh come on -- it is TOO funny. He assured police officers beforehand that the pills were really dried-up pieces of chewing gum. The police warned him, you see, that while he can SAY anything he wants, popping ACTUAL PILLS would be against the law.

Bad example for youth.

Cops have no sense of humor either:

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MARC RICH1
Moved: 2/9/2001 12:10
MARCRICH.TXT 02/09/01 1:03 AMDLR 4:37 

We can't let this thing die. This is DR...

The pardon of Marc Rich has become the first big scandal of the Clinton expresidency, and we have it direct from Dan Burton, Chairman of the House Government Reform Committee that it isn't going to go away:

["We can't let this thing die... bottom of this."]

There are phone logs, emails, political donations  and it all points to one thing: the President pardoned a crooked fat cat who hired a sneaky overpaid lawyer and did all he could to buy his freedom.

And the committee wants to find out what went wrong!

But we already know what went wrong. 214 years ago, the Founders, never thinking Bill Clinton would be elected President, gave the President one absolute power  the power to pardon.

In fact, his power to pardon is a LOT clearer than the Supreme Court's recently acquired power to decide elections.

So then we've already gotten to the bottom of this case. He did it because he can. 
And the fact that he was lobbied to do it by overpaid lawyers  well, THAT's never happened in Washington before! 

I think Jack Quinn  the lawyer who arranged all this  put it best when he uttered these immortal words:

[May I use the mens room?]

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS PARDONS
Moved: 2/6/2001 9:01
CBS-PARDONS

Another questionable pardon. This is DR...

Even as Congress prepares to look into the pardon of Marc Rich, the fugitive financier, ANOTHER questionable pardon has surfaced. This time its Herbal remedy marketer Almon Glenn Braswell, 57, who was one of the 140 people Clinton pardoned hours before leaving office.

And it comes out that as the pardon was being granted, federal prosecutors were investigating Braswell in connection with possible felonies involving offshore
corporations and accounts.

This from law enforcement sources in Los Angeles, who wish to remain anonymous.

What steams the anonymous sources is that they aren't sure whether the pardon covers everything Mr Braswell might have done, or only the charge he was convicted of. They would hate to be investigating him for nothing.

What was Mr. Braswell convicted of? Well, according to the news dispatches, he was sent to prison for three years in 1983 for making false claims about an herbal baldness remedy.

Now you see, I could understand this whole pardon controversy if it was a debate over whether 140 violent bank robbers were being pardoned, or 140 serial killers, or 140 car thieves -- but a guy who was hawking a baldness remedy?

We have corporations hawking baldness remedies on national TV now and its completely legal.

This is all beginning to smack of another long Whitewater investigation.

So let me just point out two things, just in case no ones thought about them yet:

Number one, Bill Clinton isn't president any more, and number two, he can never be president again.

I think there are some people who would LIKE to re-elect just so they can have the pleasure of impeaching him again.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TAXES
Moved: 2/6/2001 9:01
CBS-TAXES 2/06/2001

Poking holes in the tax cut. This is DR....

Everyone is trying to poke holes in it -- but this is looking more and more like the Kevlar tax cut.

Yesterday the President stood with several families, including the Peterson family of Richmond, Virginia, who heard the President say that under his plan, they would pay NO federal income tax! 

The one thousand and 55 dollars the Petersons were expecting to pay -- they would get to keep. 

Now THAT's a friendly government -- when the President invites you over to his house to hand you a thousand bucks JUST for being YOU.

The Washington Post immediately tried to poke holes in this display of generosity, pointing out that the Peterson's will STILL pay a hefty Social Security tax, which in Paul Peterson's case is $5000, split between him and his employer.

The president didn't mention that, but then the families didn't seem to be complaining. 

During the photo-op Paul Peterson could have blurted out -- "Hey -- what about my social security tax? Never mind your crummy thousand bucks, how about the full five thousand? You think I don't know what's going on here, Mr. President?"

But he didn't.

Something about being in the White House with the President shaking your hand that stifles this kind of comment.

When a reporter mentioned that there were no rich people there to talk about how much THEY'D be getting back, the President said, well I'm here -- I represent them.

That would have been another opportunity for the Petersons to speak up -- "Hey -- how about our five thousand bucks Mr. Rich guy."

But they didn't.

As long as the Petersons are happy with the thousand bucks... there's nothing to debate.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CLINTON
Moved: 2/5/2001 8:54
CBS-CLINTON FURNITURE 2/05/2001

Furniture NOT included. This is DR...

It's not a great scandal, but it's the best we can do -- the Washington Post is now documenting what furniture the Clinton's removed from the White House, and trying to find out whether the companies that donated it... intended that it stay with the Clintons, or the mansion.

So far, we've learned that the donors of the 3000-dollar sofa, the 3600-dollar kitchen set, and the 20,000-dollar living room set intended their furniture to remain with the mansion.

The thank-you notes written by the First Lady at the time ALSO seem to indicate that the furniture would stay with the house -- but as all of us who've ever bought real estate know, if you're expecting the furniture to stay, get it in writing before you move in.

But what's interesting to me is that we're getting an idea of how the private quarters of the President are furnished.

We grow up with this notion that the White House is the people's house, that most of it is a museum, and that the first family actually live in relatively modest quarters on the third floor.

Well, now we find out that the park service goes around soliciting donations of 3000 dollar custom sofas. This goes back to the question that this nation has been trying to answer since the constitution was written: is the guy a president, or a king? If he's a king, then let's set him up with his custom sofas, and custom-finished rattan chairs, and needle point rugs, tapestries, a coat of arms, and eunuchs.

But if he's just a man, he can buy his personal furniture at the "Oak Barn" on installments like everybody else. Then if it disappears, we don't have to agonize over where it went. 

Now this...

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS XFL
Moved: 2/5/2001 8:54
CBS-XFL 2/5/2001

The X-men. This is DR...

I'm a little beyond he target age group, but I was determined to join the hip 12-24 demographic -- so Sunday I tuned in to the XFL. 

I was ready for football that was X-treme, X-otic. 

And there it was in the first quarter of the San Francisco LA game -- a big defensive play -- Brian Bosworth doing the color commentary:

TAPE:

If you didn't catch it, that was a Monica Lewinsky joke. How totally un-X-pected.

Then we saw a player kick his helmet across the field! X-traordinary! And it was immediately X-plained in a sideline interview:

TAPE:

Oh yeah! Made me want to paint myself right there! And then there were the fans -- including one dressed as Satan complete with horns, who was probably there waiting to be X-orcised. But first he had to be interviewed:

TAPE:

Horny! Get it? I can tell you the demographic targeting worked; after a few more shots of shirtless young men, whose X-posed bellies were lacking only a beer spigot, I was ready to X-pectorate.

Plus, my wife began to X-claim things like "how can you watch this stuff?"

Usually my comeback is, "it's my job, dear" but I had to admit that this time it was a pretty lame X-cuse.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SUPERBOWL
Moved: 2/2/2001 8:42
CBS-SUPERBOWL 2/02/2001

You ARE being watched. This is DR...

Congress is now officially concerned about the police surveillance of Raymond James stadium during super bowl week. It's come out that the police, without telling anyone, took video snapshots of everybody entering the Stadium , and fed the images into a software system that instantly compared them with the faces of known criminals past and present.

Of course upon hearing this, we all instantly wondered how it was the players got in. But the cops weren't after the ordinary crimes that football players tend to be good at, they were after the terrorists.

And they didn't find any. In fact, of the 19 hits they got -- none were considered dangerous enough to raise suspicions.

Some members of Congress, both Democrat and Republican, think this was an invasion of privacy. The ACLU certainly thinks this was an invasion of privacy.

But is it?

Consider how the police typically try to weed suspects out of a crowd. PROFILING. They use a shortcut -- people who LOOK suspicious. And we know what THAT means.

At least with the machine -- you're not checking people against some fantasy image of what a crook looks like, you're checking them against the ACTUAL crooks. I think people are actually SAFER with this system than if you leave it up to gut instinct.

But here's the REALLY good news -- supposedly, we are living in a nation awash in criminals. And yet , of 100,000 people who were scanned -- only 19 matched the database. And even THEY weren't even worth arresting.

Could it be that America really is becoming -- safe??

Now this.

This is DR.... 
Index 

CBS CALIFORNIA3
Moved: 2/2/2001 8:42
CBS-CALIFORNIA3 2/02/2001

Buying time. This is DR...

California Gov. Gray Davis has signed the bill that keeps the lights on in California, by paying for electricity with borrowed money. The state will sell 10 billion dollars worth of bonds to raise the money -- that's $300 of debt for every person in the state -- and use it to buy electricity that private utilities can't afford to buy because they're not allowed to raise rates on customers.

So now rates wil stay low, and all California has to do is figure out a way to pay off the bonds.

Well, there'll be time for that.

Meantime the State has decided to approach conservation as only a state can -- by FINING people! California retailers have to cut outdoor lighting in half or get fined up to $1,000. Let's see -- would that mean if you install MORE outdoor lights, but don't turn them on, you can keep your lighting the same?

Well, there'll be time to figure that out too.

I just find this personally disappointing because the state refused to try ANY of my suggestions. Selling naming rights to San Francisco, or at least billing Spain for all the cities they got to name for FREE -- rejected.

A public campaign to turn off the GROW LIGHTS -- ignored.

Install electric meters calibrated in DOLLARS instead of kilowatts to encourage conservation... 

A law authorizing utilities to print realistic-looking twenties -- rejected rejected rejected.

But now that every Californian is in debt $300 -- its looks like you're going to be paying sooner or later.

This is what happens when a legislature passes a de-regulation law -- and forgets to repeal the law of supply and demand.

Now this... 
Index 

CBS SLOW PUNXSUTAWNEY
Moved: 2/2/2001 8:42
CBS-SLOW-PUNXSUTAWNEY 2/01/2001

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

TODAY'S SUBJECT -- the latest government study, headlined "National Climate Center says Punxsutawney Phil's Predictions are poor."

Dateline Washington: Scientists from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration decided to test the Groundhog Day predictions of Punxsutawney Phil. Scientists analyzing government weather data since 1988, and found absolutely NO correlation between the groundhog's predictions and average temperatures during the next two months. The study led the Climate Monitoring Branch to conclude, that the groundhog has (QUOTE) "no predictive skill during the most recent years of this analysis."

Let's take that REAL SLOW: 

"No predictive skill during the most recent years of this analysis."

Hmm. So let's see what the scientists are really saying here. They seem to be saying that groundhogs can't predict spring. They seem to be saying that their giant computers can do a better job at predicting the weather than burrowing animal.

They seem to be saying that someone with a post graduate degree actually sat down and decided to figure out whteher cliamtological trends could be pedicted by a large rodent that travels around in a limousine escorted by older men in top hats.

You see -- this is the kind of thing that makes people worry about where the surplus will go.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CLINTON
Moved: 2/2/2001 8:42
CBS-CLINTON 2/02/2001

Bill Clinton is in the news AGAIN. This is DR...

First, the was the long goodbye, then his deal to avoid indictment, then the pardons, then his first 100,000-dollar per speech, his interview for Israeli television, his planned trip to a conference in Hong Kong, and NOW -- his $650,000 a year New York office suite.

Said conservative critic Brent Bozell, ''Someone needs to send Bill Clinton a memo reminding him that he's no longer president.''

Yeah, well, you might want to CC: that memo to the Republicans in the Congress because a couple of them want to hold hearings on the pardons AND the office space. That's what this country needs! More hearings on BILL CLINTON.

I told you. They miss him already.

There can be only one reason Bill Clinton is still in the news. 

Because George W. Bush is just not... that interesting.

He's like his dad. A very nice man. Extremely nice. Pathologically nice. Everybody said he wouldn't get a honeymoon -- but he's so nice, we have no choice.

Everybody's welcome at the White House, he's been seen hugging Democrats, he gives them endearing little nicknames, tries his best not to say the word "vouchers" in public...

He has two perfectly behaved teens. Laura's a librarian who never changes her hair. Their dog is named "SPOT."

It's so, so Brady Bunch.

How can you fill a newscast with stuff like that?

Meantime, heres' Bill Clinton, the man who single handedly saved several cable channels, in his giant office suite right there in Midtown manhattan, within walking distance of all the networks and hundreds of desperate reporters.

He's going to need every square foot.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NAMING RIGHTS
Moved: 2/2/2001 5:25
CBS-NAMING RIGHTS 2/01/01

Can this state be saved? This is DR...

As the California Legislature grapples with he power crisis, the state entered its 17th straight day in a Stage 3 power alert, and ratepayers are ticked off.

They know that one way or the other, they will pay. Either through taxes or higher rates. They will pay. And as they pay they will see their money go to a couple of giant Texas Energy companies, Enron and Reliant -- who've seen their profits blossom.

Well, it's clear what the legislature must do. Forget these risky bond schemes and bailout plans -- just pass a law that lets Enron and Reliant buy the naming rights to California cities.

San Francisco could become ENRONBURG.

So you'd have the "Enronburg Giants AT PacBell Park." You'd get used to it. 

And instead of San Jose -- RELIANTVILLE. It's about time those cities got some good AMERICAN names anyway. Who's going to complain? Spain? They didn't even pay for naming rights.

This would pry loose some major cash.

Corporations typically pay between one million to two million a year for naming rights for a stadium which might hold 45,000 people.

The city of San Francisco holds about 800,000 people, so naming rights for a town that size should go for 18 to 36 million a year -- over 20 years , that's as much as 720 million dollars. Enough to keep the lights on for, oh, about a month.

But after that you could sell naming rights to the state. I figure a good-size state like California with 33.8 million people would fetch a little over thirty BILLION dollars.

Imagine it, citizens of Enronia! A minor change in the letterhead, and your electricity is FREE!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GRO LIGHTS
Moved: 2/1/2001 9:05
CBS-GRO-LIGHTS 2/01/01

A special message to certain people in California. This is DR...

This power crisis is getting out of control. The state is now thinking of pumping in TEN BILLION dollars; bills continue to rise all over the West -- one restaurant chain now slaps 75 cent ENERGY charge on every menu item.

"Would you like a little fresh electricity with that, sir?"

Out of control!

It's got to stop. But people just can't think of anything else to to turn off. Well, it's time somebody stated the obvious.

Please turn off your GROW LIGHTS.

In many parts of California, you know, the biggest cash ain't asparagus -- it's a crop that needs ONE THOUSAND WATT High Intensity Discharge Metal Halide lamps. Lamps that make the basement look like the surface of Mercury. Lamps that have to stay on 24 hours a day sucking energy like giant glowing ticks.

Well now, a desperate state needs your help.

Public opinion has been more and more willing to tolerate people who choose to live their lives stoned, if that's what they want; this is a country with many diverse lifestyles. But some lifestyles are unnecessarily energy-intensive.

There are good, law-abiding citizens who are having to skip showers so you can grow your most excellent bud.

Now, I'm sure there's nothing that takes the edge off a rolling blackout like being "amazingly stoned," and I'm sure more and more people will wish they were, once they open their January power bills.

But how about you maybe spend a few weeks down here on the ground so OTHERS can GET A LITTLE LAUNDRY DONE?

Watch more TV: same effect; MUCH Less energy!

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS MTV FIRE
Moved: 1/31/2001 9:28
CBS-MTV FIRE 1/30/2001

Can these children be saved? This is DR...

Dateline (Torrington, Connecticut) -- 13 year old Jason Lind suffered second- and third-degree burns after trying to copy what he saw on Friday's episode of the M-T-V show ``Jackass.'' Fire officials say Jason and a 14-year-old friend poured gasoline on his feet and legs, then set fire to it.

Jason's father condemned M-T-V and called for a law to to hold those behind the show accountable.

M-T-V also received harsh criticism from Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman who says the network has enormous influence on children and should exercise ``a certain level of responsibility.''

That's the wire story. Now to the MTV web site which describes the show in question.

(QUOTE) For better or worse, MTV is funding a bumbling cast of idiots to play with poo and dress in a variety of men's undergarments. Hosted by Johnny Knoxville, Jackass features a startling array of silly pranks, ridiculous stunts and a bunch of other stupid crap. "It's just a lot of fun," said Knoxville, after showering naked with a roomful of men for the fifth or sixth time during the show's production. Never before has arrested development looked like so much fun.

MTV insists that our viewers do not send in any home footage of themselves or others being jackasses. We will not open or view any submissions, so don’t even bother. 

OK. So now that we have all the information, let's analyze this: A kid arranges for his friend to pour gasoline on him because he wants to imitate a program called ... JACKASS!!

I think that about covers it.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CALIFORNIA
Moved: 1/31/2001 9:28
CBS-CALIFORNIA 1/30/2001

The big shell game. This is DR... 

So let's try again to understand the the California power crisis:

Here's the latest wire story:

"Dateline SACRAMENTO -- With California's $400 million emergency fund exhausted, Gov. Gray Davis has ordered more state money be used to keep the lights on.

The state began buying electricity 12 days ago under emergency legislation that set aside $400 million, but that money was spent by late Sunday."

That's what the wire story says. The state to the rescue!

But now -- where does that $400 million come from? It comes from an EMERGENCY FUND. But where does the money for the EMERGENCY FUND come from?

Well, I believe it comes from the same place all other state money comes from TAXPAYERS. So the same taxpayers using the electricity are still paying for it, but by doing it THIS way, they can pretend they're not.

Now to the supply side. 

Southern California Edison has lost about four and a half billion dollars because of rising wholesale costs. That's why the sate has to bail it out.

But it also turns out that over the last four years, this same struggling utility transferred nearly $5 billion in dividends to its corporate parent, Edison ... International.

So to summarize, California, to keep electric rates low, will pay for power using tax money so that rate payers can pretend they're not paying for it, and GIVE that tax money that people pretended not to pay to a company which then pretends not to receive it.

It's perfect!

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS BUDGET
Moved: 1/31/2001 9:28
CBS-BUDGET 1/31/2001

A tax cut without guilt. This DR...

The President is expressing even more confidence in his big 1.6 trillion dollar tax cut -- because there's a brand new projection of the federal surplus. 

Let's face it people -- WE'RE RICH!

The new projected federal budget surplus is 3.12 TRILLION. Up 43%. A truly diluvian figure! A category 5 hurricane of unspent cash!

I would just like to point out ONE teensy-weensy little fact, which is -- that it HASN'T BEEN COLLECTED YET!

I keep hearing that it WILL be -- voices saying we're out of the woods, and the Emerald City is just ahead.

But every day the US treasury publishes the total national debt, and from time to time I check it -- to see if it's going up, or going DOWN.

And as of MONDAY, the national debt was 5 trillion, 739 billion, 59 million, 297 thousand, 122 dollars and 31 cents.

Exactly one earlier, the national debt was 5 trillion, 719 billion, 617 million, 669 thousand, 335 dollars and 3 cents.

Notice anything strange? Yes! The debt is NOT LOWER than it was a year ago, it is HIGHER -- by about 19.4 billion dollars.

Now for a nation drowning in potential cash as we are, being 19.4 billion dollars in the red is nothing. That's only 69 dollars and 19 cents per American.

So I am asking every American to write out a check for $69.19 and send it to the treasury.

Here's the address:

Bureau of the Public Debt, Department G,
Washington, D.C. 20239.

Donations to the debt are tax deductible.

If enough of us donate, THEN there will be an ACTUAL surplus, and we can take a tax cut without guilt.

Now this.

5739059297122.31

5719617669335.03 
Index 

CBS LOCKERBIE
Moved: 1/31/2001 9:28
CBS-LOCKERBIE 1/31/2001

The civilized world speaks. This is DR....

On December 21, 1988, a bomb concealed in a tape recorder exploded, and Pan Am Flight 103 tumbled from the sky onto the town of Lockerbie, Scotland.

It was typical terrorist justice -- perhaps in revenge for the US bombing raid on Tripoli in 1986, or the mistaken shooting down of an Iranian passenger jet by the Vincennes in 1988. 

No one's sure. 

But when the time came to exact justice against the terrorists, note the choice that the Western countries made.

We might have found out which country sponsored the deed, and then just bombed the hell out of them. We might have played by terrorist rules and chosen an innocent group of people with some association to the suspected bombers, and snuck a tape recorder into THEIR plane, and then feigned ignorance.

But we didn't.

Instead, there was an investigation to gather evidence.

There were negotiations so Libya could turn the defendants over and still save face.

The trial, instead of being held in Scotland, would be held in the Netherlands on a patch of soil that was declared Scottish. 

A special courtroom was built at a former NATO base.

Scotland passed a special law setting up a three-judge panel to try the case.

230 witnesses were called. 

63 million dollars was spent. 

And in the end, one of the defendants was convicted, and the other -- despite all this effort -- was set free for lack of proof.

This is how the civilized world exacts justice.

I wonder if people like Osama bin Laden and his fellow barbarians are paying any attention.

Now this.

This is DR....
-- 
Index 

CBS SURVIVOR
Moved: 1/29/2001 8:54
CBS-SURVIVOR 1/29/2001

Light my fire. This is DR...

On Sunday, America celebrated its superiority.

We watched the best football teams in the world set a record for most punts in a single game. We saw Bob Dole becoming sexually aroused by a Pepsi. We saw Ray Lewis -- a player who last year looked like he might go to jail -- named the most valuable player in the Superbowl.

We saw a halftime show that moved confidently from Aerosmith to Britney Spears as if to say, sure this is stupid, but what are you gonna do about it?

It was an extravaganza of American cultural hegemony! For three hours we saw an America that was tough, an America with plenty of electricity, a stirring display of American Invulnerablity. Go ahead, North Korea, fire your missiles, they'll just bounce off.

And then we cut to Survivor -- and what do we see? We see sixteen Americans-- NONE of whom can start a fire. NONE of them! They're gathering the tinder, whittling the sticks, using the bow with the string, rubbing, rubbing, rubbing - NOTHING! 

And then WHO do they vote off? Debb! The non-nonsense corrections officer who at least took the fire seriously. But because she clammed up in the tent when the pillow talk turned to everyone's perverted sex fantasies -- they iced her!

Well, if libido could cook dinner, California wouldn't be in trouble today.

We're in denial people! We're a superpower; our sports and soft drinks have reached every corner of the globe, but if our enemies want to beat us, all they have to do is wait for our power to go out, and then confiscate our matches.

Now this.

This is DR 
Index 

CBS FAITH BASED
Moved: 1/29/2001 8:53
CBS-FAITH BASED 1/29/2001

Can God do what government can't? This is DR....

President Bush starts off his second week in office with another program that is sure to rile his critics - federal funding for RELIGIOUS charities.

The president is setting up a White House office that would distribute billions of dollars to religious groups and charities over the next 10 years. The idea is to let these groups compete for taxpayer money to provide after-school programs, prison ministries and drug treatment, among other things.

The theory is that if a religious program gets the job done, why not support it? And to critics who say using public money for such programs violates separation between church and state -- well, nobody is forced to use them.

The question is -- whether the programs that worked so well when they were small will work as well when they get big.

The armies of compassion might be willing to serve the hot meals once a week, or twice a week ... but three, four, five times a week? That's almost like a job.

And there's something else to watch for:

Remember -- when there's federal money to be had, ALL sorts of groups will apply for it, and the government can't discriminate simply based on religious affiliation in granting it.

So you'll have the Lutheran drug re-hab program, and the Methodist drug-rehab program and the Jewish drug re-hab program. But you may well have the NEW AGE re-hab program as well. Or the Atheist rehab group. Or the Wiccans. Or the Druids.

It should be pretty interesting. If it turns out the Druids demonstrate better recovery rates -- do you suppose the White House office of Faith-Based programs will stay open?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TRANSITION
Moved: 1/25/2001 12:57
CBS-TRANSITION 1/22/2001

I'm still here. This is DR....

All traces of President Clinton have been removed from the Oval Office. It has gone from red white and blue to peach and ivory, melon and sage.

Laura Bush had the decorators change everything in the Oval office that could be changed short of giving it corners.

And the new President went straight to work, undoing a Clinton executive order on abortion funding, preparing his education bill, putting together a tax cut package.
There seems to be a high level of urgency. And I think the reason may be that this president faces a challenge that no president has faced since Taft. For President Taft it was a young and vigorous ex-president Teddy Roosevelt who came back to run against his chosen successor.

And for Bush, it's an indecisive election, combined with young vigorous ex-president Bill Clinton who was on TV over the weekend almost as much as the new President was.

It'll take more than fresh paint to hide Bill Clinton. One of his friends says Clinton wouldn't mind at all becoming the first "First Gentleman" in the history of the nation. 

Elect her, you get him.

At Andrews Air Force Base, even his final FINAL goodbye actually wasn't a goodbye. I'm not president, but I'm still here, he said. And sure enough, within a few hours of saying goodbye in Washington, he was saying hello in Westchester.
We saw Bill Clinton at his new house, we saw Bill Clinton going out for coffee -- even though he probably has a coffee maker -- and we saw Bill CLinton immediately being surrounded by reporters and fans. 

Yes, I have a feeling Bill Clinton will be going out a LOT to get coffee. And sandwiches. And steaks. And charcoal briquettes. Mid-winter barbecues in the front yard. You say you want to know what I think about that tax cut?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS McCAIN
Moved: 1/25/2001 12:57
CBS-McCAIN 1/22/2001

He's BACK. This is DR.

Senator John McCain is back, and this time, he thinks he can win. He thinks he can get the Senate to vote for a campaign reform bill. He thinks he can get a filibuster-proof majority of them to vote for a bill that will suck the money out of their own campaigns. -- to vote for a bill that will make it harder for them to get re-elected. 

If this happens, it will go down as one of the most selfless acts ever committed by a legislative body. It would be almost like the people of San Francisco voting in favor of rolling blackouts.

Can this actually happen?

The battle has already been joined. To fire the starting gun, the American Heart Association ran a full page ad in today's Washington Post with a picture of a girl smoking a cigarette, and the headline -- printed in the same style as the warning on cigarette packs -- "Warning Big Tobacco gave millions in campaign contributions. Now they'll want something in return."

Of course the American Heart Association ad cost money. Now true, this ad doesn't seem, at first glance, to be a political ad. But as everyone here in Washington knows, most tobacco money goes to Republicans. And so the question will be, if the American Heart Association can spend money on an ad that essentially slams Republican candidates, and there is no restriction on the Amount of money THEY can spend to do that, why should there be any restrictions on the amount of money the Republican party might want to collect to defend itself?
And then, there's the really big question -- the one that goes through any politician's mind when he casts a vote for a bill -- will this vote show up in MY campaign ads, or in my OPPONENT'S campaign ads.

In this case, I'm sure any senator who votes for campaign reform will want to put it in HIS OWN campaign ads. The catch is, if he votes for it, will he be able to BUY the ads he needs to TAKE credit?

Now this 
Index 

CBS FUNERAL 1/19/2001
Moved: 1/25/2001 12:57
CBS-FUNERAL 1/19/2001

A not so fond farewell. This is DR...

Last night, as Bill Clinton said goodbye, conservatives gathered to say good riddance.

As George Bush, the compassionate conservative, was on stage at the Lincoln Memorial joking wth Ricky Martin, the uncompassionate conservatives were holding a funeral for the end of the CLnton Administration. The eulogies included a video revue of the scandals of the last eight years. There were flowers. A large photo of the President, surrounded by a mourning wreath. A bagpiper played Amazing Grace.

Jerry Falwell, the man who called Clinton unfit to be president, was there. Robert Bork, the one-time Supreme Court nominee who was rejected in a process that came to be known as "Borking" was there. Lucianne Goldberg, first to recognize the full potential of the Monica tapes -- was there, dropping tidbits about Linda Tripp's plastic surgery.

Yes, it was one of those happy funerals, but at the same time, the mourners must have been wondering -- now what? About the only thing on the agenda now for the anti-Clinton industry is disbarrment. But that'll make headlines for a day, and then what's left? Making fun of Hillary's pants suits? For six years?

Will anybody log on to the web sites for that? Will the uncompassionate conservatives have as much fun praising George as bashing Bill? Or are we seeing the new Trekkies: meeting every year in a hotel, playing the old tapes, making jokes about the dress, dressing up like Bill and Monica and longing for the days when someone beside them cared?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS METAMORPHOSIS
Moved: 1/25/2001 12:57
CBS-METAMORPHOSIS 1/19/2001

Who are these people. This is DR...

And everybody thought they were conservatives. COMPASSIONATE conservatives, yes, but still conservatives. And yet -- well, start with Linda Chavez, original choice for labor secretary. -- Wrote many conservative commantaries, but in her perosnal life, she was taking in immigrants and setting them up in new lives, even slipping them cash! She was a one woman resettlement/ affirmative action/ welfare program. OK, maybe Bush didn't know about that side of her; that's why he let her go.

But then look at John Ashcroft. Pro-life, pro-gun conservative; he gets to his confirmation hearing, and not only does he promise to accept Roe vs. Wade, he says that when the assault weapons ban comes up for renewal -- the one he once called "wrong-headed" -- he'll endorse it! As the Beatles once said, "very strange."

Then look at Gail Norton, Interior Secretary nominee. Once upon a time, she talked about how the civil war was mainly about States Rights. She said the Endangered Species Act was unconstitutional. 

-- The Alaska Caribou were trembling in their hooves. 

But then in her confirmation hearing what does she say? "Americans are proud of the many exquisite national treasures we have within our shores.... the top priority of the Departmentof the Interior must be to preserve these natural treasures." And then she says she's changed her mind on the Endangered Species Act -- now she thinks it IS constituional.

It's like she's channeling an ancient environmental warrior named ... AL GORE.

It's like they're ALL channeling Al Gore. Come on, people, the election was confusing enough.

Now this... 
Index 

CBS TAX CUT
Moved: 1/25/2001 12:57
CBS-TAX CUT 1/23/2001 TUES#1

We're getting a tax cut. This is DR...

Here in Washington, a democrat has now joined the republican push for a 1.3 trillion dollar tax cut, which means, my fellow Americans, that you and I will soon see some extra money in our pockets.

There will be a vigorous debate, but one look at the bar graph that Senator Phil Gramm has been displaying and the objections will fall silent. I know, because I've seen this bar graph. The surplus is a really really tall bar; and the tax cut is a really really short bar.

One look at that, and you say to yourself -- hey -- they've got PILES of money. MY money. You BET I want it back! If anything, I want even MORE of it back!

Now the graph doesn't show everything. For example, it doesn't show the unpaid federal debt -- lack of space, probably. That would be a REALLY really tall bar. But there's only so much stuff you can include on one graph. It would spoil the effect.

So the tax cut is coming -- and I have a simple piece of advice. 

When you get the money, look closely at it. Touch it. Smell it. SAVOR it. Frame it and put it up on the wall of the family room. 

Because whenever there's a big tax cut like this, there's always a catch. Somehow, the money never seems to hang around very long.

Interest rates go up. Heating oil prices go up. Electricity prices go up. Home prices go up.

I don't know yet what it's going to be -- but every time Congress tells us we're getting more of our money back -- somebody else figures out a way to raise the price of something essential.

So when you get that tax cut, caress it, hold it close, hug it tenderly. For you and it will be separated all too soon.

Now this.

Index 

CBS CAMPAIGN
Moved: 1/25/2001 12:56
CBS-CAMPAIGN 1/23/2001 TUES#2

The monster that bought Washington. This is DR...

A battle is resuming on Capitol Hill -- a battle to control a monster so far has resisted all attempts at extinction: Money.

First, there was the "hard money," the kind you could control with simple laws. But then, a new and terrifying kind of money appeared -- the "soft" kind -- which began clinging to politicians like big balls of lint that couldn't be brushed away. They tried to fling legislation at it, but nothing worked. Then, before anyone knew what was happening, the money changed shape again into a kind of ooze -- a green slime -- which began seeping under the doors of TV stations, terrifying the part-time receptionist, filling the air with the paralyzing stench of negative advertising, and spreading a virus of cynicism which, left unchecked, threatens to depopulate the nation's voting booths.

This is why it takes a guy like Senator John McCain to attack this problem. You need a war hero.

I don't know why no one has tried the SIMPLE solution -- which is just to take the words soft money and hard money LITERALLY. That is, anyone who wants to give a candidate HARD MONEY, by golly has to use HARD MONEY. As in actual COINS. You want to give a thousand dollars, you have to haul a thousand Sacajaweas to campaign headquarters. A lobbyist willing to do that deserves whatever influence he gets.

And soft money -- has to be soft money. As in currency. No larger than a twenty. So if SOMEONE wants to give a million dollars to the party, he has to dump 50,000 twenties on the desk. And all of this would be done in front of the TV cameras, and posted on the internet.

Now THAT'S reform.

Now this.

This is DR.... 
Index 

CBS CALIFORNIA2
Moved: 1/25/2001 12:56
CBS-CALIFORNIA 1/19/2001

The real power. This is DR...

Again in California traffic lights went out, computer screens went dark, heaters and bank machines were silent and lights went out in classrooms.

Nobody knows when the blackout is coming, but when it comes, people can't work, they can't shop, they get stuck in elevators, they get into collisions at intersections, even farmers have to dump their milk.
And everybody's talking about it as if it's a problem with the free market. They talking about it as if it's a problem with deregulation. The President says it's a California problem, and California will have to solve it.

But is this just a California problem? Is this a deregulation problem? Is this even an ELECTRICITY problem? 

I don't think so

This is a national security problem. As in, a nation can start feeling pretty insecure if its citizens don't know from moment to moment whether the lights are going to be on. 

This isn't just an electricity problem, this is the Day The Earth Stood Still. In the old sci-fi movie when the alien visitor Klaatu wants to demonstrate he's serious about destroying the earth, what does he do? He shuts off all the electricity.

Now it's happening again. Someone is sending us a message.

Once upon a time we were taught that the President is supposed to be the most powerful person in America -- and if not him, the Fed chairman. But now we know it's neither one of them. In a nation hooked on electricity, the most powerful person in the free world is whoever controls the big red "off" switch.

Now this. This is DR... 
Index 

CBS GREENSPAN
Moved: 1/25/2001 12:54
CBS-GREENSPAN 1/25/2001

Congress gets the Green light. This is DR...

If there was any doubt about whether the tax cut would pass, it's gone now. Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan has changed his mind.

A year ago he was saying that without question, any extra money collected by the government should go into paying off the debt.

That basically meant you would keep paying taxes, you would get nothing more in the way of federal services. Your only reward would be the warm feeling of knowing that your country is solvent.

But today, he changed his mind -- essentially telling Congress that the irrational exuberance he warned of earlier has been transformed into RATIONAL exuberance, and there appears enough money to both pay off the debt AND cut taxes.

For one thing, he said that even if you WANTED to pay off the debt right now, you couldn't. The reason? Part of the debt is in savings bonds which don't mature for ten years. The cost of getting people to redeem them early might actually be more than just waiting.

Yes, his testimony was full of cautionary notes. He warned that we don't yet know what the recent tech bust will do to tax collections. He warned that tax cuts alone are unlikely to stop a recession. He warned that with today's surplus euphoria, Congress might be tempted to go on a spending spree. And he wouldn't SPECIFICALLY endorse the president's tax cut.

But he gave the CONCEPT of a tax cut the big Greenspan Light.

That's all Congress needs.

We should get it just in time to pay the electric bill.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS POWER MEXICO
Moved: 1/25/2001 12:54
CBS-POWER MEXICO 1/25/2001

Build 'em in MEXICO. This DR...

Yesterday I was talking about California's power crisis, and how the Bush administration WON'T bail the state out, and I ended by saying maybe California could look to MEXICO for help.

Just a silly closing line. But what do we read today?

We read that the Bush Administration is floating a couple of ideas: the first one is relaxing California's pollution standards, which probably won't get far, given almost certain opposition from the very powerful breathing lobby. But the SECOND idea ... is to build power plants in Mexico! Build 'em in Mexico where the air pollution laws are less stringent! 

Is that INGENIOUS?

I KNEW that country would come in handy someday!

The same concept that's given us cheap shoes can now give us cheap showers.

Finally someone in Washington has put the thinking cap on! You don't have to fool around with all those messy federal, state, and local pollution laws -- just generate the juice in a place where those laws don't apply. Then you can use any fuel you want -- coal, garbage, wood pellets, discarded ballots, the Starr report -- those Mexicans don't care!

Now I know that from Mexico's point of view this may not look like a good deal. They may think that they're getting jerked around by the Gringos from the north again.

But I ask my Mexican friends just to consider how golden their future could be if they turn their country into America's power farm -- to imagine the majestic smokestacks, the mighty power lines marching across the countryside, the jobs -- and, most important, the big red switch that will let YOU turn off the traffic lights in San Francisco!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CALIFORNIA
Moved: 1/25/2001 6:00
CBS-CALIFORNIA 1/24/2001

U.S. to California -- enjoy the dark. This is DR...

Now the power managers in California are so desperate to cut power use that they're asking football fans to watch Sunday's superbowl in GROUPS -- for fear that if too many TVs go on at once---- they'll all go off at once.

I'm waiting for them to reorganize the whole state into tribal communes - centered around a single hot water heater.

Meantime, even though President Bush extended the emergency orders keeping power on, California has been burning through the money so fast that it could run out in about two weeks.

And the prospects for additional aid don't look good.

The new Energy Secretary is a guy who once wanted to abolish the energy department. And the President himself has said that the power problem was created by California and should therefore be solved by California.

Cynics will say its because the state voted a little too decisively in the last election -- but I think the answer is simpler than that.

It's because California is not a sports franchise, or a developing nation, or a large savings and loan. THOSE get bailouts.

Now if I had to choose, I would say that California should reorganize itself as a sports franchise. 

If California were a sports franchise, not only could it apply for brand new subsidized power plants, but these power plants would have retractable roofs and skyboxes.

Or -- it could set itself up as a developing nation. Government officials would have found all sorts of loan programs -- and then in a few years, would have forgiven the debt.

But California is a state. And if the lights go out and the elevators stop -- well, it could always look to Mexico.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS BREAKOUT
Moved: 1/25/2001 6:00
CBS-BREAKOUT 1/24/2001

They were sending a message. This is DR....

The last of the escaped Texas prison convicts has surrendered.

Tips phoned in by viewers to America's Most Wanted led the police to a Holiday Inn in COLORADO SPRINGS where Patrick Murphy Jr, a convicted rapist, and Donald Newbury, convicted robber gave up without a fight -- but not without making a statement:

Police allowed each to talk with reporter Eric Singer from KKTV -- and Newbury used his time to say that there no justice in Texas:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS 97 ESCAPEES
Time: 15s
Out-cue: FORTY YEARS]

And not only is there no justice, there is no rehabilitation:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS 98 ESCAPEES
Time: 12s
Out-cue: LIGHT AGAIN]

And the parole system in Texas -- where a parolee can be sent back to prison for as little as running a stop sign -- it makes a normal life for an ex-con impossible.

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS 95 ESCAPEES
Time: 10s
Out-cue: FAMILIES APART]

That's their message: that if Les Miserables were being written today, it would be set in Texas.

But I imagine Mr. Newbury's victims have a message too -- and it would go something like this: that if you don't like the Texas Prison system -- THINK about that before you buy your ticket!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS VENTURA
Moved: 1/17/2001 8:52
CBS-VENTURA 1/17/2001

Oh oh -- There's MONEY-making going on here. This is DR...

Jesse Ventura, Governor of Minnesota, says he's considering legal action against the "St. Paul Pioneer Press" because of a new comic strip called "Venturaland" -- a comic strip based on HIM.

He was so incensed at the idea that he interrupted a speech Tuesday when he spotted a reporter from the newspaper in question.

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS 66 VENTURA COMIC
Time: 13s
Out-cue: ON IT]

You can hear the pain in his voice. There is no low to which the media will not stoop -- imagine -- exploiting the likeness of a politician for corporate gain.

You'd almost think he was a -- what -- PUBLIC figure!

But I have to warn the Governor that it's only going to get worse.

Because in a few days, the media loses Bill Clinton -- gone! Out of office! And instead it gets... well, you know.

It pains me to have to say this Governor Ventura, but YOU, as of January 20th, become the most interesting politician in America.

AS a kid you hung a teacher in effigy from a flagpole.

You've confessed going to wild frat parties at age 16.

You say stuff like "I’m big, I’m loud, and I’m not afraid to say what I think."

Stuff like "organized religion is a sham and a crutch for weak willed people."

You are going to keep newspapers in business governor -- But it's not THEIR fault Governor, it's YOUR fault.

You can torpedo that comic strip tomorrow, governor. Stop providing such excellent material. Become boring.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ASHCROFT2
Moved: 1/17/2001 8:52
CBS-ASHCROFT2 1/17/2001

The gauntlet. This is DR...

Whatever you think of John Ashcroft, you have to admire anyone who goes through the Senate confirmation process.

Every Senate hearing has a distinct set of tests designed to see what the nominee is made of. It begins with the endurance test... the opening speeches ... where each Senator gets five minutes -- ha ha ha -- to say something while the nominee sits there smiling. Ashcroft passed this test easily.

There is no job skill more crucial in Washington than the ability to seem interested in what Senators say. No administration official can remain effective in his job unless he knows how to smile and nod at a panel of Senators, and most important, how to stifle a yawn without any visible ... twitching of the mouth.

Then comes the questioning itself, in which the members of your own party look for ways to compliment you, your policies, your integrity, your choice of clothes, your wonderful wife, your wonderful children; and the members of the opposite party look for polite ways to call you a buffalo chip.

Then there's the shouting test -- where one of the senators finds something in your record that requires shouting, and starts shouting about it. "Do you realize sir that twenty years ago you did something so horrible, so outrageous that here I am today twenty years later shouting about it?"

"I can explain that senator"

"I'M NOT FINISHED SHOUTING ABOUT IT YET."

But the MOST important test is the Strom Thurmond test. This is the part where Strom Thurmond says something like "Weel yew pool tha' micafone close t'yer mahth s'I kin heah wha' yew sayin'?"

This doesn't test any particular skill, but reminds you that God DOES have a sense of humor.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ASHCROFT
Moved: 1/17/2001 8:52
CBS-ASHCROFT 01/16/2001

Can he POSSIBLY be as bad as the critics say? This is DR...

So far, the rap on John Ashcroft, the Bush nominee for Attorney General is that he's just too conservative for America.

They are worried he's holier-than-thou; and uncompromising.

But is he really? According to the Boston Globe, there is another side to John Ashcroft.

The Boston Globe reports that like many young men of his generation, he got some help around the time young men were being drafted for Vietnam .

In 1967, he was about to finish law school, which meant that his student deferment was about to lapse. Records show that in May of 1967 his draft board was ready to send him the letter"

AND THEN his Draft Board suddenly reversed itself, and gave him an occupational deferment, on the grounds that he had agreed to take on a critical job following graduation.

A job arranged by an active member his church.

A job ... teaching business law to undergrads at Southwest Missouri State University.

Many young men in my generation turned to the church for help in those days, but here's the unusual thing: Ashcroft SUPPORTED the Vietnam War. He believed in the cause. According to a Bush spokeswoman, he was not seeking to avoid military service, it's just that Southwest Missouri State was adamant about having him teach. He stayed home for the good of the nation. 

THIS is what tells me the critics are wrong about John Ashcroft.

Someone who benefited from a liberal interpretation of the draft laws will never be able to play holier-than-thou, and someone who believed in the war yet elected not to serve certainly knows the value of compromise.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS TEXTBOOKS
Moved: 1/15/2001 8:18
CBS-TEXTBOOKS 1/15/2001

Textbook inertia. This is DR...

After studying textbooks for two years, a physics professor has discovered something remarkable. 

Physics professor John Hubisz of North Carolina State studied twelve of the most popular middle school science textbooks -- textbooks that are used by about 85% of US children -- and found mistakes on 500 pages.

And he's not just talking about typos -- such as the photo of a silicon crystal that actually depicted singer Linda Ronstadt. (Middle schoolers may never have heard of Ms Ronstadt, but they probably figured out she wasn't a silicon crystal.)

He's talking about errors such as putting the equator in the wrong place. An incorrect illustration of what happens to light when it passes through a prism. And the textbook that misstates Newton's first law of physics.

One publisher says the reason it happens is that STATES are always demanding last-minute changes in content.

But wait! There's more! When the fact-checkers tried to contact the textbook authors, they found out that in many cases the authors listed didn't write the book. Which may be a good thing, because in one case, some of the people listed as authors of a physical science book were biologists!

Of course, even biologists should know Newton's First Law:

Which I will now state, as a public service:

"An object at rest tends to stay at rest, and an object in motion tends to stay in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force."

Or, stated another way, textbooks that are full of mistakes tend to remain full of mistakes until someone actually CHECKS them.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS RECOUNT1
Moved: 1/15/2001 8:18
CBS-RECOUNT1 1/15/2001

Remember that recount? This is DR...

Various protest groups plan to demonstrate during the inaugural parade, some of thm upset that the Florida recount wasn't a true recount.

But now the votes ARE being counted, and -- I don't know if we should say this; these are the results the US Supreme Court feared could harm the nation -- but Bush is still winning.

I know the media is supposed to be overstocked with liberal Republican-hating reporters, but the Palm Beach Post reported Sunday that its recount of those hotly contested undercounts in Miami-Dade county - the county where Al Gore expected to PICK UP 600 votes - revealed additional votes, all right; but most of them went to to George W Bush.

Of the votes with readable marks that were NOT counted by the machines, 245 went to Gore, and 251 went to Bush. A net gain of SIX for the president elect.

There were just under 2300 that were cleanly punched, but none of the holes corresponded to any presidential candidate -- apparently because some voters actually laid the ballots ON TOP of the ballot books instead of inserting them into the machine. Among these voters who failed to follow directions, Gore was a clear favorite, by 302 votes. But even THAT would not have made the difference.

The wider recount of all 67 Florida counties has yet to be done... but the initial indication, anyway, is that protecting the American people from a full recount may only have protected them from finding out that Bush really DID win.

Now this.

This is DR.... 
Index 

CBS DRIVING SAT
Moved: 1/12/2001 9:00
CBS-DRIVING SIMULATOR 1/12/2001

How's my driving This is DR...

We are finally going to learn whether cell phones and other gadgets distract drivers as cause accidents. Ford Motors unveiled a new driving simulator -- a ten million dollar, hydraulically actuated full-motion automotive environment that looks like a flight simulator.

Ford will use it to study driving behavior and dashboard design -- an issue raised by recent studies showing that a driver on a cell phone might as well be drunk.

The simulator will test that proposition -- leading to.... well, what will it lead to, exactly? 

I'm going to offer a prediction here -- I have a feeling that any study of driver distractions conducted by atomizers will NOT read to a recommendation that cell phones be banned from cars. I have a feeling you will NOT see technology that disables cell phones above five miles an hour.

No, the cell phones are here to stay, the navigation maps are here to stay, and the in-dash Internet browsers are coming. Watching the road has become an annoyance. 

And it's not just about where the buttons are placed -- even if they figure out a way for you surf the net by twitching your ear it's going to be a distraction.

The day is coming when drivers will be able to make phone calls, send faxes, check e-mail, click on the electronic map, tune the radio, and browse the TV listings, while eating a four course breakfast in their lap.

There's only one way that drivers will be able to pay attention to the road again.

We have the designated driver to DRIVE the car, now we need a designated PASSENGER to do everything else that driving requires.

What the cars of tomorrow will need -- is a co-pilot. 

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS IT GINGER
Moved: 1/12/2001 9:00
CBS-IT-GINGER-SAT

It's a scooter. his is DR...

The tech world is abuzz over a mystery invention called "IT". Capital I Capital T. The speculation was touched off when the Harvard Business School Press paid $250,000 for a book about it without knowing what it was.

The man who invented "IT" is Dean Kamen, an engineer who commutes to work in a helicopter and believes that kids should be idolizing scientists, not athletes. And all he will say is that his invention will be an alternative to products that are dirty, expensive, and frustrating. 

He demonstrated it to Jeff Bezos of Amazon and Steve Jobs of Apple, who would only say that it assembles in ten minutes using common tools, and whole cities will be redesigned around it.

And when I first read the description, I immediately exclaimed "It's a scooter." "I-T" stands for "Individual Transport" and it's a glorified scooter.

Everybody said, no, it must be a jet pack, or a personal hovercraft, or an anti-gravity device.

Well, what do we read this morning in the Washington Post? That the cognoscenti in the Silicon Valley are convinced that "IT" is a wearable car that looks like a pogo stick with a single wheel. A Razor on steroids. 

In other words, a SCOOTER.

Probably with gyroscopes to prevent tipping, and a windshield that straps to your body to catch the insects.

A car you can buy off the shelf.

It will certify Kamen as a genius, no doubt, but will it make him rich? Will Americans, accustomed as we are to cushy stereo systems on wheels, commute to work on a scooter with a strap-on bug-catcher?

Redesigning the car is the easy part. Redesigning the American Driver is the hard part.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS NORTON2
Moved: 1/12/2001 9:00
CBS-NORTON2 1/12/2001

Choose your battles. This is DR...

Environmental groups want the senate to reject the nomination of Gail Norton as interior secretary, saying she has a lousy record on the environment -- and as proof they point out she is on the board of advisors of a group called Defenders of Property Rights.

Defenders of property rights has provided legal assistance in several controversial lawsuits concerning endangered species -- and it will be very tempting to bring up these lawsuits in hopes of killing Norton's nomination.

But be careful, my environmentalist friends.

These organizations choose their battles to demonstrate the unintended consequences of environmental laws.

For example, [Rocky Mountain News] Defenders of Property Rights once sued on behalf of a Virginia resident named John Taylor who was accused of threatening bald eagles. What was John Taylor trying to do? Mow down an old-growth forest?

No -- he was trying to build a small house for his wheelchair-bound wife. The Interior Department said a pair of bald eagles were nesting too near the property.

In another case, Norton's group went up against the Fish and Wildlife service. Why? Because Gail Norton hates fish? No, because the service told a HOSPITAL it couldn't expand in deference to the habitat of the Delhi Sands Flower-loving Fly.

Now, environmentalists may disagree with these lawsuits. But if they bring them up, what they will do is give Gail Norton a golden opportunity to ask the American people: what comes first? John Taylor's disabled wife, or the convenience of a couple of bald eagles? Better health care, or the Delhi Sands Flower-loving Fly?

Choose your battles carefully.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ARMY
Moved: 1/12/2001 9:00
CBS-ARMY-SLOW 01/11/2001 

I Am An Army of one. This is DR...

The Army has unveiled its new recruiting slogan -- I Am an Army of One.

In the new ads, a lone soldier is pictured running across a desert at dawn. A voice says, ``I am an Army of one. Even though there are 1,045,690 soldiers like me, I am my own force. With technology, with training, with support, who I am has become better than who I was.''

According to the Army it's designed to appeal to today's young people who see the army as too impersonal.

Now that I think of it, I guess a young person COULD come away with the impression that the army is impersonal. They DO tend to dress everybody the same. And that marching they have you do. And the stuff about following orders. And the guy who comes at you with the clippers on the first day of basic training.

I guess I could see where a young person might get the impression that there is not a lot of individuality there.

A young person might even get the impression hat individuality is DISCOURAGED in the Army.

But now that these spots are running, THAT will change.

A new generation will join the Army. A generation of Individuals. 

A generation of recruits who on that first day of basic training, when the Army stylist approaches with the clippers, will feel empowered enough to say, "Sir, I am an Army of One and I'd like it a little thicker on top and keep it full in the back."

At which point the Army's OTHER slogan kicks in -- "I Am A Latrine Cleaning Crew Of One.

Even though there are a million soldiers like me, I was the only one dumb enough to believe that ad."

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TEMPTATION ISLAND
Moved: 1/11/2001 14:30
CBS-TEMPTATION ISLAND 1/11/2001

The New York Times Editorial board has spoken. This is DR...

We now know what the management of the New York Times thinks about Fox's Temptation Island, in which four couples who are unmarried, but in what are called "committed relationships" which means the guy is there for the sex -- are brought to a resort island, separated, and then set up with free food, a hosted bar and a dormitory stocked with gorgeous single people who have been carefully checked for social diseases.

Like trophy fishing in a stocked pond.

And after analyzing this concept, the New York Times has concluded that this is NOT the effort "to explore the dynamics of people in serious relationships" that the Fox Network had promised.

Instead, the Times says, the theme seems to be ... LUST.

No! You don't say! A network would actually put something like that on TELEVISION?

The Times also observes that there are no actors or writers to pay, only cameramen,
leading the editors to suspect that Temptation Island may in fact be designed solely as a way to make money.

It amazes me how day after day editorial writers are able to expose the deepest subtexts.

But actually, the Times is wrong about all this.

If Temptation Island is not a CONTEST, if there is no prize for the winner, it means that what we have here are four couples who agreed to let the Fox Network try to destroy their personal lives ... in exchange for free Mai Tai's.

This is not about lust, it's not even about making money. Fox has given America a vivid demonstration of what DUMB looks like.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS NORTON
Moved: 1/11/2001 14:29
CBS-NORTON 1/11/2001

Haunted by words. This is DR...

Another Bush Cabinet appointee is in hot water -- this time, his pick for Interior Secretary, Gail Norton. The trouble isn't with her conservative views on the environment, but a speech she gave in 1996 when she was attorney general of Colorado.

She was talking about the tenth amendment which reserves to the states any powers that are not expressly taken from them by the Constitution.

She was talking about federal laws that go too far. Automobile emissions testing, for example. Her office didn't want the federal government FORCING Colorado to adopt a testing system, Colorado wanted to experiment with its OWN. In fact her dream that to see FIFTY different experiments -- let each state decide.

And then -- on the day she goes to court to argue this, catastrophe! The air is choked with smog, and you could barely see across the street. Here she had a valid issue, but was being sabotaged by the facts.

She then compared that to what happened in the Civil War -- where the south had a valid issue, states rights, but at the time they chose to fight, there was, unfortunately, this thing called slavery in the air. A valid issue sabotaged by bad facts.

She did not defend slavery, but rather said it CLOUDED the legitimate need - which she feels still exists - to return power back to the states.

So you see her real problem. Her real problem is not that she somehow is ENDORSING slavery, as her opponents charge. Her problem is that she equated it to a smog alert.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS SAVING POWER
Moved: 1/11/2001 6:07
CBS-SAVING POWER 1/05/2001

It's the meter. This is DR...

Out here in the West we're back in energy-saving mode. Public officials are telling us we can't take long showers any more, we have to turn back the thermostat, shut off the lights, and most painful of all -- stop heating the waterbed.

We have to do it out of a sense of patriotism -- because the light rainfall has left the reservoirs low and because California's brilliant decision to "deregulate as a way to force power rates down down down" isn't quite working yet. So it's time to pull together and be part of the team! One for all, and all for the motherland!

Well, patriotism is a good way to get people to say the pledge, or serve in the military, but when it comes to saving power, it's all about the meter.

The reason people waste electricity is because electricity is the only commodity that you buy continuously all day without knowing until a month later how much it's going to cost you.

It's about the meter.

What we need is a COMPREHENSIBLE electric meter, and it needs to be right there in the kitchen. And in the bathroom. Built in to the appliances.

What we have now is a power meter OUTSIDE the house placed above eye level with incomprehensible dials that no one understands anyway. 

No. Next to the shower -- we need meter like a gas pump that would say "Ten minutes of hot water - (DING) $5. Your refrigerator should have one in the door. "Cost of opening this door: (DING) 75 cents." Same thing with the oven: one hour of cooking time (DING) two dollars. 

Power use would drop overnight, PLUS we'd save soap AND be thinner. 

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CHAVEZ OUT
Moved: 1/11/2001 6:07
CBS-CHAVEZ OUT 1/10/2001

Playing by the rules. This is DR...

It's now clear that Linda Chavez is NOT a bad person. And in fact, she's been doing the same thing that some of the most liberal refugee organizations in the country have been doing: taking in immigrants -- without regard to their legal status -- getting them jobs and helping them blend in.

She introduced a the Vietnamese refugee she sponsored in 1979, who said he owes everything he has to Linda Chavez. And the Puerto Rican single mother of two who she helped to get a federal job.

Linda Chavez is a one-woman resettlement program! And in the case of the single mother -- a one-woman affirmative action program!

Here's a labor secretary who clearly would have been sympathetic to America's most vulnerable laborers.

So why did this good woman decide not to fight?

Because the party that made the rules has to play by them.

She misled her boss to be. The rule says that you don't "mislead" because Bill Clinton misled people, and he was branded a liar.

She also scoped out a neighbor. The rule says you don't go to your neighbor and and say -- "you wouldn't feel it necessary to say you saw an illegal immigrant in my home, would you?" Because when a certain President asked staffers what they might remember about a certain intern being alone with him in a certain part of the building it was called obstruction of justice.

Linda Chavez is a good person who, in her life as well as in her writings, has supported immigrants joining the mainstream.

But the rule says you are not defined by your good deeds, only by your mistakes.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CHAVEZ2
Moved: 1/9/2001 8:23
CBS CHAVEZ2 1/05/2001

Relax, you Democrats. This is DR...

A few days ago I wondered aloud why the Democrats would want to oppose John Ashcroft for attorney general. I understand that Ashcroft is no-compromise conservative -- but my argument basically was, the Attorney General's jobs INCLUDE investigating what goes on in the White House. Well, if you resent Bush as President; if you're worried he's up to no good, wouldn't you want him to be watched by the most straight-laced, uncompromising lawyer you could find? 

Of course you would.

So now the spotlight has shifted to Bush's pick for labor secretary, Linda Chavez.

And here's the slam on her -- she's been writing conservative newspaper columns, rich with conservative quotes.

Among the things she's said in print: 

--That union members are hardly representative of the American working public

-- That there IS no glass ceiling for women; they just make different job choices, often electing to spend more time with their families

-- She ridiculed the Americans with Disabilities Act, as "special treatment"

-- She said the increase in sexual harassment lawsuits is making he US a nation of crybabies."

-- And she called raising the minimum wage bad policy.

Are these opinions any reason why she should not be Secretary of Labor?

On the contrary. I am eager to see -- and I should think that Democrats would be too -- to see whether someone who has said these things from the Op-Ed page would do act on them a cabinet chair.

Newspaper columnists have no official responsibilities. Labor secretaries do. It's one thing to dismiss someone as a crybaby in print. Quite another to have to say it to her face.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS POWER
Moved: 1/9/2001 8:23
CBS-POWER 01/05/2001

Can California keep the lights on? This is Dave Ross...

California's two largest utilities are described as "teetering on the brink of collapse." That's because they can't sell electricity for what its costing them, which means every time a Californian makes toast, it's the power company that gets burned.

The teetering utilities, understandably, pleaded for a rate increase, but state regulators gave them only half of what they wanted. 

That scared Wall Street, where investors began dumping utility shares, and it scared two major credit rating agencies, which downgraded the utilities' bonds to BBB. Bad Bad Bad -- one grade above junk. That means if you want to borrow money, you have to go to a guy named "Spike."

Is there any way out?

Let's look at the facts.

California utilities have to buy electricity at 30 cents per kilowatt hour. They have to sell that electricity at 6 cents per kilowatt hour. 

That's the dot-com business model.

The regulators won't let them raise rates to anywhere near what the power costs.

Well!

The solution is staring us in the face! Congress passes a law authorizing Southern California Edison and Pacific Gas and electric to ... PRINT THEIR OWN MONEY!

This would be for a limited period only, and of course there would be strict conditions. The main condition would be that the money look very very real: so that those of us who end up with it aren't stuck.

But that shouldn't be a problem. We have the new quarters, the new golden dollar, the weird looking twenties -- I doubt that anyone would notice.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. 
Index 

CBS FREEZE DRIED
Moved: 1/9/2001 8:22
CBS-FREEZE DRIED 1/09/2001

Friends Forever. This is DR.

The dot coms may have disappeared as a business opportunity, but in America, there's always the next new thing -- and here it is:

According to the Wall Street Journal, a small but growing number of pet owners, when their pets die, instead of having them buried or cremated, or stuffed, are having them FREEZE-DRIED.

It can take several months, but it's inexpensive, and is so effective that the pet is not only preserved intact, but even retains a realistic facal expression. It's the SAME realistic facial expression, but it's very REAL.

This is obviously not for everybody, but it could catch on, especially with cat owners:

Regular cat asleep on the sofa; freeze-dried cat asleep on the sofa. The only difference is the freeze dried cat is more likely to obey you. "Stay off the table, Fluffy" -- freeze dried cat has no problem with that.

And it only costs about $600 for a lap size pet -- which from then on will STAY on your lap. Is this wrong; is this demented, as some of the critics say?

Who are we to judge? There are peopel who become very attached to their pets; and a freeze dried pet is not JUST a pet, it is a pet that can be passed on from generation to generation. Your kid can not only grow up with a dog like you did, but with the SAME dog you did.

And that dog will be both house broken, AND fully trained.

"Fido! Stay very still! That's a good boy!"

"Spot! Stop breathng! Good dog! Goood dog."

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CHAVEZ 2
Moved: 1/9/2001 8:22
CBS-CHAVEZ-2 1/09/2001

What did she clean, and when did she clean it. This is DR...

Marta Mercado, the woman who stayed for two years in the home of Labor Secretary nominee Linda Chavez, is making the talk show circuit. 

She says she's not sure when Chavez knew of her illegal immigrant status, but she IS sure that she did chores like removing spots from the carpet, and received money. However, she is not sure if the money was pay -- or a gift. Hint, Ms. Mercado: the correct answer is "gift." (DING)

In the meantime, the FBI is investigating whether Chavez tried to get a neighbor to clam up about Ms. Mercado.

And so we have the first official "corruption eruption" of the Bush Administration-to-be. And all so unnecessary.

The problem is that Linda Chavez suffers from a problem that seems all too common in successful people. An inability to operate appliances.

And she is not alone. Once people pass a certain income threshold, they forget how to vacuum and must have live-in help to do it. 

There is nothing wrong with live-in help; it's just that today's vacuum cleaners are remarkably easy to operate, even by the rich. Many are self powered, some have transparent dirt chambers so you can be sure you're cleaning the right spot; are you waiting for RIDING vacuums?

Same thing with the laundry. Same thing with the dishes. We have appliances for these things: you load them, add soap, and press a button labeled "start." 

That you'd need even a LEGAL immigrant for jobs like these betrays an alarming level of helplessness in people who are supposed to be running the government.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS IMMODESTY
Moved: 1/9/2001 8:22
CBS-IMMODESTY 1/08/2001

Immodest dormitories. This is DR...

Four orthodox Jewish students have lost another court decision in their attempt to get Yale University to change its housing policy. 

In 1997 the four students sued the university for requiring unmarried freshmen and sophomores to live on campus. The dorms at Yale are co-ed -- and the orthodox students complained that living in the same building with unmarried women violated their religious beliefs by creating a sexually immodest atmosphere.

Some of the students got around the rule by paying the dorm rent and then just living off campus -- letting the dorm rooms go empty. They then went to court to get their money back.

Yale's lawyer argued that the students knew the University's policy up front when they accepted a spot, and the 2nd US Circuit Court of appeals agreed. The judges ruled Yale is NOT guilty of discrimination based on religion, and not guilty of an anti trust violation for making the dorms mandatory. 

The students are out of luck. But how exactly, does EITHER side have a complaint in this case?

For the university's side: schools today have all sorts of specialty dorms -- the international living dorm, the creative arts dorm, the vegan dorm, the no-strong-perfume dorm -- just set up a celibacy dorm! Single rooms, private bathrooms, everyone signs a virginity pledge. Even if the students didn't go for it you can be sure plenty of their parents would.

And from the religious point of view, if one of the defining issues of orthodoxy is opposition to homosexuality, is there a better way to promote vigorous heterosexuality than to throw unmarried young men and women into the same dorm?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS DOUBLE STANDARD
Moved: 1/9/2001 8:22
CBS-DOUBLE STANDARDS 1/08/2001

One nation, two standards. This is DR...

Uh oh. Now we learn that from 1992 to 1993, Linda Chavez, nominee for Secretary of Labor, had an illegal immigrant living in her home who helped with household chores out of appreciation. Yes, Ms Chavez gave her money, and yes, she lived there for two years, but no, she was not an employee; she was an abused woman who needed a place to stay.

Can we believe her, or is this like the case eight years ago of Zoe Baird -- Bill Clinton's first nominee for attorney General -- who employed two undocumented workers as a nanny and a driver.

Well, not exactly. For one thing, Zoe Baird disclosed her problem from the beginning. And she paid her immigrants a lot more than pin money. Which means, I guess, that she was a SAINT! Taking in not one, but TWO immigrants, and giving them a LOT more money than Chavez did.

But Zoe Baird's problem wasn't the immigrants; it was the voter phone calls that flooded into senators complaining about a double standard. If WE'D been caught doing this, said the callers, we'd have been crucified. 

And in the end, the Democrats themselves killed their own president's nomination.

So how do you decide where to stand on Linda Chavez's problem? Just ask yourself; if the investigators came knocking on my door, and asked me about that person who was cleaning my house, or doing my gardening, or taking care of my children -- and I explained to them that, no, I wasn't paying minimum wage, but it was OK because she was only helping me with a few household chores, and that what I was doing was actually an act of charity -- would I be in trouble, or not?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS VIRGINITY
Moved: 1/4/2001 8:10
CBS-VIRGINITY 01/05/01

Good kids and bad kids. This is DR...

Sex ed, condoms, or plain old abstinence. For years we've been trying to figure out what will save our teenagers from moral perversion and physical disease.

Now, there's a study showing that virginity pledges -- where kids sign statements promising no to have sex until they're married -- actually work!

The National Institute of Child Health and Human Development analyzed responses from 6800 students, and found that those who had taken chastity pledges delayed sex about 18 months longer than those who had never taken a pledge. 

Great news for groups like True Love Waits, which has been offering teenagers virginity pledges since 1993.

But there were a few caveats. The study found the those teens who DID break their promise tended to break it without wearing any protection ...

And here's the big one: The effectiveness of virginity pledges began to decline -- and teenagers stopped delaying sex -- when the percentage of students signing them increased to more than 30 percent of the school population. 

As you know, the theory behind the pledge is that teens will do the right thing when they see that OTHER kids are doing the right thing. But the trick is not to have TOO many other kids doing the right thing.

The appeal of the pledge is that it offers teens a unique identity. But if EVERYBODY'S wearing the halo, it's not unique any more, and loses its appeal.

It's enough to make you wonder if the cards are stacked against us as a race. Because you see what this means: to put together a working group of good kids -- you have to make sure you have a BIGGER group.... of bad kids. Now This. 
Index 

CBS INTEREST
Moved: 1/4/2001 8:10
CBS-INTEREST 1/4/2001

The "R" word. This is DR....

The whole idea of cutting interest rates was to build confidence, but the other effect is that people are wondering why Maestro Greenspan has suddenly gone from "Largo" to "Allegretto" in the space of only a few measures.

Christopher Wolfe of J.P. Morgan was quoted today as saying,you've got to be wondering, what are they seeing that we don't?"

Sometimes building confidence doesn't build confidence so much as make people wonder WHY you're building confidence which makes them LESS confident than they were before you tried to make them MORE confident.

Apparently, the lousy Christmas shopping season was the last straw.

Bankers seem to be thinking is that a recession is on the way.

Recession. One of those words that can make itself happen. 

There are some economists who think it would be a good thing: it might get us back to the days when we UNDERSTOOD the stock market. You remember the days when a company had to make money for its stock price to go up? It seems so long ago!

But with a lot more people looking at retirement funds tied up in companies that are worth a fraction of their former selves, a recession that makes them worth even a SMALLER fraction of their smaller selves is likely to put off buying plans, thereby making companies still SMALLER fractions of their former selves.

Which is why George W Bush wants his tax cut. BUT the tax cut is based on the surplus, which is based on the economic boom. And if the boom bombs, and the surplus is not longer a surplus, then the tax cut puts us back into a deficit, and defecits make interest rates go back up!

DARN I wish we'd bought more for Christmas....

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CHAVEZ
Moved: 1/4/2001 8:10
CBS-CHAVEZ 1/3/2001

Labels are getting so difficult. This is DR...

Protesters are getting ready to give the new President the rockiest honeymoon they can, but it's not going to be easy.

Critics dismissed George W as somewhat below the rank of rocket scientist -- but his appointments make it very difficult for a protestor to get any real TRACTION.

John Ashcroft as attorney general is the guy with the bull's eye on his back -- but that's because everybody else is a moving target.

Let's take the latest example -- Linda Chavez as secretary of labor. Politically, she's a conservative. She's against affirmative action, and she's in favor of school vouchers -- but there are some Democrats considering school vouchers, now. Especially because more and more MINORITIES want them. 

And as for affirmative action -- she may oppose it, but she is also a member of two of the groups it was designed to help: Ms. Chavez is a woman and she's a latina.

She's married to a minority: her husband's a Jew, and they have raised their three children as Jews. And she has promised as Labor Secretary to vigorously enforce regulations against discrimination by federal contractors."

However, even though she is a Latina, she doesn't speak Spanish. In fact, she once served on the board of US English, an English only group, only to RESIGN when she concluded that the group was racist.

So NOW what do you do? What do you call an anti-racist, anti-affirmative action latina and mother of three Jewish children who promises to be a vigorous enemy of discrimination?

How about -- Madame Secretary?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS SMOKING
Moved: 1/4/2001 8:10
SMOKING3.CBS 01/02/01 11:34 PMDLR

The Canadians take the gloves off. 

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

You recall that a few weeks ago a study found that antismoking efforts in American schools weren't stopping adolescents from smoking. Well, the Canadians think they have the answer. THEY know how to get the message through.

Gross people out.

Cigarettes sold in Canada will now have to bear NOT just written warnings ... but PHOTOGRAPHIC warnings. In COLOR. Full color pictures of diseased organs.

Starting now, Canadian smokers will be able to identify cigarette packages not just by the brand name but by the photograph of the cancerous lung. Or the diseased heart. Or the strokedamaged brain. Or the bleeding gums. Or the photo of the gangrenous foot.

Or if none of THAT works, there's the ultimate deterrent -- the image of a drooping cigarette accompanied by a message about how tobacco causes impotence.

You can't miss them  they cover half of the cigarette package. And in case you DO miss them, there is additional information stuffed inside the package.

The cigarette companies are upset, complaining there is no longer sufficient room for the logo. But hey guys - the answer is clear  just incorporate these various diseased organs INTO your logos.

Instead of Lucky Strike, Lucky Stroke. Or, "Smoke these and watch your foot fall off" brand cigarettes. 

Is it fair? I don't know, but I'm waiting to see if they put pictures of car wrecks on beer cans, and liposuction operations on hamburger wrappers.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ASHCROFT
Moved: 1/2/2001 8:32
ASHCROFT.CBS 01/01/01

The ideal attorney general. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

George W. Bush, the man who will soon be a heartbeat away from the vice-presidency -- is picking his cabinet. And I know you spent your vacation memorizing their names.

But there's only one you'll need to know.

John Ashcroft. 

John Ashcroft, Bush's choice for attorney general, is the nominee that has the Democrats panicked. They think he's too EXTREMIST and therefore they plan to ask a lot of long, loaded questions so that the red light comes on before he can answer.

Because he's not just conservative, he's REALLY conservative. He's against abortion, he's FOR the death penalty, he once described Confederate war heroes as "patriots," and he doesn't compromise on moral principles.

Now all we have to do is figure out ... WHY the Democrats wouldn't want a man like that to be Attorney General.

Democrats just spent eight years seeing THEIR president investigated to within an inch of his job by attorneys working under who? The attorney general.

I would think that with a Republican administration, the LAST person Democrats would want as attorney general is some softhearted liberal.

You want an attorney general who will grab the White House emails BEFORE they get lost. Who will confront the vice president should he call his oil buddies for campaign money.

Who will check the sheets in the Lincoln bedroom.

In short, Democrats OUGHT to want the most conservative, uncompromising, UN-compassionate attorney general evolution can produce. So - what, exactly, is the problem? 

Now this. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS ISRAEL
Moved: 1/2/2001 8:32
CBS-ISRAEL 1/2/2001

Can we all just work together? This is Dave Ross...

Yasser Arafat is back in town for one more last ditch effort at finding a way that Israelis and Palestinians can work together -- can set aside 55 years of history and learn to live in peace.

This -- at a time when educated people are blocking roads and taking pot shots at passing cars.

There is a basic flaw in the approach and I think it's this preoccupation with "working together." 

It's so idealistic. It's so Rodney King. It just isn't going to happen.

But the good news is - it doesn't have to.

Because thanks to technology, each side CAN live in peace while still hating each other, just as before.

All this time we have assumed that the only solution to the problems of the Israelis and the Palestinians is to make them love each other - to find a way that they can work together despite their religious differences. To get them all in a big room singing Kum-Ba-Yah.

No! That may have been necessary once upon a time -- but look around you my dear listeners. Do any of us really work WITH anybody any more? 

No! This, thank goodness, is 2001. We are now living in the world of the future. It is now possible to work together without actually working TOGETHER -- to work with people, but not actually have to smell them. 

You come to work, sit in your cubicle, communicate by email, go home. Nobody knows what you look like, who you pray to, whether you had tacos for lunch... human interaction has become entirely optional. 

We used to think this was a bad thing. 

But maybe not.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DIESEL
Moved: 12/22/2000 14:01
DIESEL.CBS 12/21/00 8:32 PMDLR 1:49 

There is NOTHING to worry about. This is DR...

The President this week signed off on new rules that will stop diesel trucks and buses from belching black smoke into your face. The rules require refiners to produce sulfur-free fuel, and they require cleaner diesel engines.

And here's the head of the EPA, Carol Browner, saying she HOPES the Bush administration won't try to overturn them.

I thought that was a strange statement. Why would the Bush administration want to delay tougher rules on diesel exhaust?

Bush is a conservative, right?

Conservatives believe that it is the responsibility of the individual citizen, whenever his rights are threatened, to join together with other individuals to protect these rights.

Well, can you think of a right more precious than the right to drive without having clouds of soot dumped into your face? Which is why many individuals joined together to force an end to it.

There are other rights -- the rights of truckers, and engine manufacturers, but which of these rights trumps the right to breathe? None that I can think of.

Then there's the conservative doctrine of personal responsibility: you take responsibility for the consequences of your conduct. Dumping sooty exhaust into the lungs of the person behind you is like throwing fast food wrappers out your window -- only worse.

No! This is the era of personal responsibility, and responsible people clean up after themselves.

So as far as I can tell, the diesel rules are a clearly conservative policy. And therefore Ms. Browner need not worry about the next administration changing one word.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS Y2K2
Moved: 12/22/2000 14:00
Y2K2.CBS 12/21/00 7:52 PMDLR 1:21 

Y2K. It's back. This is DR...

Democrats have denounced President elect Bush's bleak economic forecasts as nothing more than an attempt to soften up the Congress for his tax cut.

But has anyone considered that he may be ...right?

I did a little search on the subject of oil supplies because nobody's talked about that lately  and I found that Mr. Bush isn't the only one who's worried. There are prophets in the wilderness who have been predicting a crisis for years.

The International Energy Agency has said that oil production will peak in 2014. Other experts say 2010. Other experts figure it peaked about last Tuesday. 

But no problem -- we'll find alternatives Well, I looked that up too.

At a lecture this year at Stanford, energy expert Hewitt Crane told a symposium that if you were to replace oil with nuclear energy, you would have to build one nuclear reactor ... each week ... for 50 years.

To replace the oil we currently use with windmills, you would have to build 1500 windmills ... per week... for 50 years - each one of them between 10 and twenty stories high.

Solar panels - using a typical 4 foot by 8 foot sheet, you'd have to make 12 million per week for the next 50 years. That would be a solar array big enough to cover every square foot of Indiana.

In other words, there is no cheap substitute for OIL. I know that after the oil shock in the 70s we were told, don't worry, there's enough to last into the 21st century but now it's here.

Well, don't worry - soon there will be an oil man in the White House. He'll know what to do. Now this. 

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS STOCK LOSSES
Moved: 12/22/2000 14:00
CBS-STOCK LOSSES 12/22/2000

Dropped from the "B" list. This is DR...

We should pause for a moment this holiday weekend to think of those less fortunate than ourselves.

I'm not talking about the poor, although I assume that you will be generous either through your church or your food bank or some other organization -- no, I'm talking about the rich.

Because if we are to be pathologically objective, it is the rich who have suffered the most this year.

Consider the number 56 BILLION DOLLARS. Huge number. More than the gross domestic product of -- pick your developing nation.

56 BILLION dollars is how much Bill Gates stock holdings have dropped in the past year.

But at least Gates is still on the "B" list. He still has at least 31.2 BILLION.

No, the real pain is when you drop below that magic line; when a billionaire has to drop the "B". 

Back in March, when Naveen Jain, the founder of InfoSpace, saw his stock hit $130 a share, he could look at his brokers statement and see $8.5 billion in the net worth column. But today, that stock trades for around $6. Putting him at 419 ... MILLION.

And he's not alone. He is joined by no less an entrepreneurial icon than Jeff Bezos, founder of Amazon.com, a dot-com company that actually moves physical merchandise, who last Christmas was worth close to 6 billion dollars. Today, even Jeff Bezos has joined the ranks of the bourgeoisie at 880 ... MILLION! With an ... "M." So my dear people, take the time during this season to count your blessings. Remember the stories of Naveen and Jeff, and remind yourself -- "there but for the grace of God..."

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TRAVEL
Moved: 12/22/2000 14:00
CBS-TRAVEL 12/22/2000

The most wonderful time of the year. This is DR...

The most wonderful time of the year -- a time when families reunite for food, fun, fellowship. When carols by the fire, fill you with desire. 

But first -- you have to get on a plane.

Why is it that every year Christmas seems to sneak up on the airlines? Why is it every year they seem so surprised? "Why are all these people here -- gee -- you'd think it's Christmas!"

I don't know why they never seem to be ready, but you can make things easier by following these simple travel tips.

Number one, arrive early. For a domestic flight, I recommend getting there at least 24 hours before departure so there's time to pick out a comfortable spot on the floor to sleep on.

Remember the FAA rules on luggage which state that as long as the flight attendant isn't looking, you can try to get your bicycle into the overhead bin. And all those boxes that you were too cheap to mail -- they'll fit under your seat, no problem.

If you're NOT traveling with a bicycle, travel with a small baby or an elderly relative so you can PRE BOARD and get to your seat before the people with the bicycles.

And always have an empty jar handy... just in case there's no open gate when you land and you're trapped in the window seat.

Finally, for you children who are traveling -- I want you to pay particular attention. Look around you, take it all in, observe the huddled masses yearning to fly free ... and ask yourself -- if I love my parents enough to want to spend Christmas with them when I grow up -- perhaps I should try to establish my family within easy driving distance.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ELECTRICITY
Moved: 12/22/2000 14:00
CBS-ELECTRICITY 12/21/2000

Pulling the plug. This is DR...

A meeting of western governors produced no agreement on the California electricity crisis.

The crisis is that Pacific Gas and Electric and Southern California Edison face bankruptcy, unless they can find cheaper electricity QUICK -- and even worse, they could run out, and start pulling the plug on customers.

All because the rules don't allow the companies to pass on their costs.

When deregulation was first approved, everyone figured costs would go DOWN so capping prices wouldn't be a problem.

But now that we know better, all California has to do is remove the price controls!

I saw one newspaper report that spot prices have gone as high as high as $5,000 per megawatt-hour; compared to $35 before the market went nuts.

143 times as much as it used to be.

Governor Gary Locke of Washington State called it OBSCENE. It's as if gasoline suddenly went up to $214 a gallon. It's would be like charging $355 for a pack of cigarettes - THAT would get your kid to stop.

BBUT: with today's energy efficient appliances -- would it REALLY be so terrible?

Well, let see -- to watch TV for an hour -- about 75 cents.

To cook a casserole in the microwave -- about $2.

Dishwasher -- about $8 per load.

A shower, depending on length, ten dollars -- but that's only if you want it hot.

And the refrigerator, about 30 dollars a day -- but that's only if you keep it on.

So maybe they SHOULD allow prices to float. Because that way the power companies WOULDN'T have to pull the plug. We'd just pull it ourselves.

Now this.

This is DR.. 
Index 

CBS STOCK MARKET
Moved: 12/22/2000 14:00
CBS-STOCK MARKET 12/21/2000

With some simple precautions, you WILL make it through this. This is DR....

Hello, my fellow investors. Look on the bright side. Now that crummy interest rate you get on your savings account looks pretty good, doesn't it?

But by taking a few simple precautions, you can avoid much of the misery.

First, do not listen to stock market reports. And you should hear one, make sure your crew has tied you to the mast with a stout rope.

For example, last week I listened to a stock report by mistake and heard that Microsoft had dipped below 50. I immediately became excited; I said "this is it -- finally, a rare second chance to get in on the ground floor." 

I remembered and how I felt when I saw the stock double or triple when I thought it could not POSSIBLY go any higher.

So when I heard that it hit 50 last week, I figured it couldn't go any lower -- and I picked up the phone and I said BUY BUY BUY!!

Today it's 42.

At times like this, I console myself by remembering the calls I did NOT make.

For example, when Real Networks hit 19 after dropping from 96, I was THIS close to buying 100 shares. But I did not. Today Real Networks is around five, so that by the simple act of NOT buying 100 shares, I SAVED 1400 dollars.

That's what you have to do -- instead of beating yourself up for the stocks you DID buy, congratulate yourself for the stocks you DIDN'T buy.

By the way, at the end of the month you'll be getting a fat envelope with your broker's logo on it. What you want to do with that is put it in a safe place where you're pretty sure you'll lose track of it until the NASDAQ is back up to 5000.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SMOKING
Moved: 12/22/2000 13:59
CBS-SMOKING 12/20/2000

Now what do we do? This is DR...

The goal -- convince kids not to smoke.

Researchers in Washington State got a 15 million dollar federal grant to offer a new kind of anti-smoking education -- had excellent education materials, and excellent teachers.

And for 15 years they studied 8400 students in 40 school districts. 

Half of the schools used health classes, half used the new program -- which was designed to teach kids how to resist peer pressure. How to say no. To reassure them that you DIDN'T have to smoke to be an adult since most adults DON'T smoke.

And after 15 years, they found ... no difference.

Among 12th graders, girls and boys, about one in four were smoking every day, whether they were in the new program or the old program.

Rusty Sherman was in the fourth grade when he became part of the program -- and last year at the age of 23, he filled out his final survey form. Where it asked "are you a smoker", he again answered YES.

He had started smoking in tenth grade, because, he says "I was told not to. That rebellious urge of a teenager to do something he is not supposed to do..."

So there you have it -- 15 years of research, and we can now report that teens ... are rebellious!

So what do we do with all that money from the tobacco settlement!

Even MORE classes? MORE intense anti smoking programs?

Here's an idea -- show them the black lung in biology class, tell them if they smoke they'll die a horrible death, give them all little butt bags so at least they don't litter the sidewalks, and then MOVE ON.

And instead of intensive smoking classes, have intensive classes in math, English, science, with lots of homework, and tough exams.

As long as they're going to smoke, might as well give 'em a reason.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BUSH CLINTON
Moved: 12/20/2000 9:00
CBS-BUSH CLINTON

Mr President, you shouldn't have! This is DR...

The current and future presidents met at the White House yesterday, and according to the newspaper this morning -- "Bush, sitting in the White House for the first time as President Elect, kept his hands folded in his lap and his mouth mostly shut."

The story says Bush appeared at times like a foreigner visiting the White House -- even though he'd visited many times when his father lived there.

At one point, he said of the President's hospitality, quote "He didn't have to do this",
and was quickly corrected by Helen Thomas, who said "Yes he did, it's protocol.

But maybe that's not what Bush meant. Maybe, as he sat there next to Bill Clinton, with all the cameras invited to watch -- he was hearing voices -- echoes.

GLISS:

Echoes of a campaign that wasn't just about Al Gore...

CHENEY Military can respect Bush "Soon our men and Women in Uniform can have a commander in chief they can respect."

Echoes about the man sitting next to him, smiling, expansive, friendly...

CHENEY Gore reminds us of Clinton "... Mr Gore will try to separate himself from his leaders shadow... but somehow we will never see one without the other."

No, the President didn't HAVE to do this. But who could resist a chance to make a guy squirm on national TV?

Now this... 
Index 

CBS BOOK DEAL
Moved: 12/19/2000 8:37
CBS-BOOK DEAL 12/19/2000

Eight million dollars. This is DR...

Senator Clinton is going to take the book deal. Eight million dollars from Simon and Schuster to write her story.

The Congressional Accountability Project wants the deal checked for ethics violations because Simon and Shuster is owned by Viacom which has interests that are bound to come up in the Senate.

But I don't think the voters worry about this kind of stuff anymore. I figure there's exactly one person who's REALLY worried about Senator Clinton's book deal, and we all know who that is.

He could certainly use the money -- but he can do the math as well as anyone.

This not a ONE million dollar book deal.

For one million, you can get away with another parenting book. "It Still Takes a Village." 

For two million you could do parenting, and add an appendix with more of those funny letters to the cat.

For three million dollars -- you could do parenting, the letters to the cat, and favorite cookie recipes.

But THIS... is an EIGHT million dollar deal.

There's only one way you make eight million dollars on a book. You talk about the stuff people really want to hear.

And Bill Clinton knows this. He knows that, during Senate recesses, he'll wake up in the morning to the tap tap tap of the computer keyboard in the Chappaqua study. And there will be some mornings when the tapping will be sustained and full of energy, and he'll know it ain't about the cat.

For the next three years -- tap tap tap.

And a few conservative groups will make noise about the ethical problems, the money, the conflicts of interest... but secretly, they can't wait.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BALLOTS
Moved: 12/19/2000 8:37
CBS-BALLOTS 12/19/2000

The recount recount is on. This is Dave Ross...

The electoral college has voted, their official ballots are signed and sealed. Which of course means it's time to count the ballots again. The ballots behind the ballots.

Reporters, lawyers, ordinary voters, and a statistician bunched around tables in a Fort Lauderdale warehouse to watch two county employees hold up each disputed punch-card ballot for inspection. 

They have 6600 recounted ballot to recount.

And if it goes well, The Associated Press, The New York Times, The Washington Post and the Miami Herald will recount all 67 Florida counties to determine once and for all that... well, what will they determine exactly?

They will end up with sorted piles of ballots. In this pile you'll have the obvious votes. In this pile the semi-obvious ones, in this pile the dimples, in this pile the definite depressions, in this pile the subtle depressions, in this pile the ballots bearing traces of voter DNA... 

And you'll have an article concluding that -- George W. Bush is still president.

Then there's the Newsweek story about Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, who was at an election night party, and upon hearing Florida called for Al Gore was heard to exclaim "this is terrible" and then go stalking off to the buffet table for more food.

So now the question is -- was she prejudiced against Gore from the start? Was her decision to rule against the recount FAIR?

You see what's happening! The media is going through the grieving process. We are faced with the sudden departure of a story we loved to cover, a story that boosted cable and talk show ratings, and we are in denial.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SLOW TAX CUT
Moved: 12/19/2000 5:55
CBS-TAX CUT 12/18/2000

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

TODAY'S SUBJECT -- THE TAX CUT

(Washington) -- A new survey suggests Americans favor President-elect Bush's tax cut plan, but they're not sure he'll have enough public support for it.

According to the CBS News Poll, 61% percent of Americans surveyed favor Bush's tax cut, but only 42% say he has enough public support to get it passed.

The margin of error is plus or minus three percentage points.

Let's take that REAL SLOW:

61% percent of Americans surveyed favor Bush's tax cut, but only 42% say he has enough public support to get it passed.

So here we have a poll indicating that 61% of the American people favor the tax cut, but only 42% of these SAME American people think it has enough public support to pass.

Now -- aren't THEY the public?

Yes, I think they are.

There's only one possible way that 61% of the people can favor a tax cut while only 41% say there's enough public support to get it passed.

What this poll really means is that there IS public support for a tax cut, it's just that the public doesn't yet KNOW that it supports a tax cut.

Someone needs to tell us so we can answer these polls correctly and stop embarrassing ourselves.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS EUGENE TREES
Moved: 12/19/2000 5:54
CBS-EUGENE TREES 12/18/2000

Christmas in Eugene This is Dave Ross....

The City of Eugene Oregon is still taking heat for banning Christmas tree displays from public property.

It happened because a group of city employees complained the trees were too religious. City Manager Jim Johnson, trying to do the right thing, struck a compromise. 

In your own cubicle, go wild -- trees, Santa, angels, wise men, the drummer boy, anything. But in break rooms and reception areas on city property, there must be no trees.

The Campbell Senior Center is exempt because the Seniors have no other place they can put up a tree.

And the police department's west university public safety station is exempt because even though it's a city building, it's on land owned by Sacred Heart Hospital. 

And groups that rent the Performing Arts pavilion can put up whatever decorations they want, because that's part of the deal.

But the ban applies everywhere else -- including fire stations -- which has the firefighters union especially upset. 

The result of this has been a debate whether the tree is really a religious symbol or not -- whether the city manager is a Nazi, blah blah blah. Same stuff we've been yapping about since the 60's.

Look -- Eugene is in Oregon. Surrounded by fir trees and loggers. The city should issue a proclamation declaring that a decorated evergreen tree is a religiously neutral celebration of the timber industry. What better gesture of support for this important industry than to cut down a little evergreen and wrap garish lights around it?

Then the religious protests can end.

And the environmental protests can begin.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SLOW TAX CUT
Moved: 12/19/2000 5:54
CBS-MOSES-SLOW 12/18/2000

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

TODAY'S SUBJECT -- THE TAX CUT

(Washington) -- A new survey suggests Americans favor President-elect Bush's tax cut plan, but they're not sure he'll have enough public support for it.

According to the CBS News Poll, 61% percent of Americans surveyed favor Bush's tax cut, but only 42% say he has enough public support to get it passed.

The margin of error is plus or minus three percentage points.

Let's take that REAL SLOW:

61% percent of Americans surveyed favor Bush's tax cut, but only 42% say he has enough public support to get it passed.

OK...

So here we have a poll indicating that 61% of the American people favor the tax cut, but only 42% of these SAME American people think it has enough public support to pass.

Now -- aren't THEY the public?

Yes, I think they are.

There's only one possible way that 61% of the people can favor a tax cut while only 41% say there's enough public support to get it passed.

What this poll really means is that there IS public support for a tax cut, it's just that the public doesn't yet KNOW that it supports a tax cut.

Someone needs to tell us so we can answer these polls correctly and stop embarrassing ourselves.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS POWER RATES
Moved: 12/15/2000 8:52
CBS-POWER RATES 12/15/2000

There must be some mistake. This is DR....

By now we've heard about the problems California has been having keeping the lights on. Emergency power has been diverted from the Pacific Northwest; California power companies are paying ten, even a hundred times the usual cost for power, but are prohibited from passing the full cost on to their customers and so could face bankruptcy.

And everybody's blaming deregulation -- California, like many other states, has DEREGULATED the electric power industry.

Well, my dear listeners, I looked it up, and deregulation cannot be the problem.

I quote from a study done at Clemson university in 1996 (QUOTE) "As deregulations in airlines, trucking, and telecommunications amply demonstrate, a free and open market offers consumers and producers lower prices, and more options. The economy is the winner. (UNQUOTE)

Because I also have here a backgrounder from the House Commerce Committee from February 1997, which quotes the above study, and points out again that deregulation will SAVE consumers hundreds of dollars a year.

You may have heard stories about how power companies have actually refused to provide electricity unless they're paid up front, leaving California on the brink of rolling blackouts, but again, that cannot be the case. 

Here's a study by the Heritage Foundation in January of 1997. QUOTE: "Consumer choice will improve, not weaken, the reliability of electric power." 

So I can't explain this. I just want to point out that if your power rates end up hitting absurd levels, you MUST not blame regulation. All the studies say it's good. You must be doing it wrong.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS POWER2
Moved: 12/15/2000 8:52
CBS-POWER2 12/15/2000

Welcome to California; sorry we can't leave the lights on for you. This is DR...

California has been flirting with rolling blackouts while state regulators scramble to find more electricity.

The crisis has prompted state officials to asked for a federal investigation into whether power generators were conspiring to boost electricity prices and ``gouge consumers.''

The governor is looking for a CAP on the price of electricity, even though suppliers say a cap would discourage construction of new plants and just make the problem worse.

And since this is all happening just as California is moving toward deregulating the electric power industry, the whole concept of power deregulation has gotten a black eye. 

But maybe the problem isn't deregulation. Maybe the problem is that it doesn't go far enough. Because the theory is pretty appealing: you get to CHOOSE your power company, the same way you choose a supermarket.

The trouble is, once you choose, you're locked in.

You choose a company and that company supplies the electricity for your whole house. Well, when I choose a supermarket, I don't have to buy ALL my groceries there. I can buy milk in one place, bread in another -- I have a true choice.

Maybe the problem with electricity deregulation isn't the deregulation so much as that it doesn't go FAR enough.

The way it is now, it goes house by house. It should go OUTLET by OUTLET.

One outlet is Pacific Gas and Electric, another outlet is Southern California Edison -- then if one company goes bankrupt, all you need is an extension cord.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS MOSES SLOW
Moved: 12/15/2000 8:52
CBS-MOSES-SLOW 12/15/2000

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

Today's subject, "the new era begins":

(Austin, Texas-AP) -- In music and words alike, President-elect Bush heard calls for national reconciliation during an Austin church service.

During the service one minister compared Bush to Moses, saying both were chosen by God to lead the people. Etc Etc.

Let's take that REAL SLOW, shall we.

"One minister compared him to Moses, saying both were chosen by God to lead the people."

Now it is true that Moses was chosen by God to lead his people, and that the form he chose was a burning Bush, but other than that, it's hard to see a link.

The other thing is that God is Almighty -- every religious person recognizes that -- so if He was choosing our candidates, would he use PUNCHCARDS? 

I guess He could.

He can certainly choose whatever method he wants, but ... then... uh oh.

That means when the Supreme Court ruled to stop the recount ... it was making a decision to ignore ballots that refleced not just the will of the people but the will of ....

(THUNDER CLAP)

No wonder Clarence Thomas was keeping quiet.

Now this.

This is DR.... 
Index 

YESVIRGI.CBS 12/14/00 10:
Moved: 12/15/2000 8:52
YESVIRGI.CBS 12/14/00 10:15 PMDLR 1:25 

A letter from a child. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Dear Editor 

I am 8 years old. This year I learned about the Electoral College. But some of my little friends didn't believe me when I told them about it. They teased me and said nobody's ever seen the electoral college, so it doesn't exist.

Papa says, "If you hear it from Dave Ross, it's so." Please tell me the truth, is there an Electoral College? 

Virginia O'Hanlon 

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds.

Yes, Virginia, there is an Electoral College. It exists as certainly as powdered wigs, and wooden teeth and whalebone corsets exist.

Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Electoral College! It would be a world without drama, without suspense  it would be like living in Canada.

Not believe in the Electoral College! You might as well not believe in the Surgeon General! Nobody ever sees the Surgeon General, but even if we can't see him, what would that prove? 

Virginia, nobody can conceive or imagine all the public officials there are unseen and unseeable in the world. 

Is the Electoral College real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else so real and abiding. 

No, the Electoral College lives, thank God! It lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, it will continue to make glad the heart of candidates who, when they feel its magic, know that even in politics, there IS a Santa Claus.

Now this. ~C:\WORKS\FILES\YESVIRGI.CBS 
Index 

CBS HARMONY
Moved: 12/14/2000 9:14
CBS-HARMONY

Let the healing begin? This is DR...

Weren't those wonderful speeches? They were! 

The Washington Post called it "a gracious concession" by Al Gore, and noted that George W. Bush "pledged to govern in a bipartisan fashion."

The Washington Times called Gore's speech "moving and eloquent." 

The president-elect goes to church on a weekday, hears a sermon about healing the rancor...

Everybody's friendly. Everybody's gracious. Everybody's bi-partisan. Everybody says nice things about each other.

Well, of course they said nice things about each other!

The election is over! The parties have spent all their campaign money.

But this period will last exactly a month.

Because pretty soon, candidates are going to have to write fundraising letters. And what do you think they're going to say in their fundraising letters? "Please give me money -- and I promise to hug my opponent twice as much as he hugs me?"

No! They have to say "Unless you send $35 today, my opponent will cut off your aging mother's Social Security check and confiscate the family photos."

People thrive on conflict! That's why the WWF's rating are so high! That's why we spent the last five weeks listening to long explanations of boring legal briefs. Because behind those boring legals briefs there was a real fight going on! A PEACEFUL fight, but a fight nonetheless.

The moment the new Congress is sworn in, members have to start raising money. And to do that, they have to persuade their contributors that there is a difference. And to do that there actually has to BE a difference.

And if there isn't a real difference, they will have to make it up!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS LEAVING
Moved: 12/14/2000 9:14
CBS-LEAVING 12/14/2000

Alec Baldwin isn't the only one leaving the country. This is DR...

"Dave" the letter begins.

41 years ago I came to the shores of the US and began a new life... Five years later I was given the privilege of becoming a US citizen. I have since then voted in every election. In my wildest nightmares I could never imagine that five right wing geriatrics could tell me ... "no, your vote doesn't count."

I am today setting the wheels in motion to renounce my citizenship...

Signed, Patricia.

There was this letter:

Dear Dave,

... My sister who is a very level-headed person told her son that he could now not stand up during the pledge of allegiance if he didn't want to because of this travesty of justice by Scalia and his cronies.

Signed Shawn.

People! Relax! What exactly do you think is going to happen? This is US GOVERNMENT we're talking about. Nothing is going to happen right away. 

That stuff about bureaucrats rushing into work at 8 a.m. on a Saturday because a judge told them to? That's over. We're back on the regular schedule now. Saturdays
off, Sundays off, every other Monday off, Snow days off, really windy days off.

And those Supreme court cases that were decided in a DAY? That's over! Back to the regular schedule. Where it takes three YEARS to decide if you can be cuffed for a seatbelt violation.

George W. Bush does NOT have absolute power! It's not like he was elected to run Microsoft, he's only president.

So you can keep your citizenship Patricia, and you can tell your nephew to keep standing for the pledge, Shawn: this is still America! Where despite what you've seen over the last five weeks, we still have the same slow-moving inefficient government that has kept us free.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FOLLOW DIRECTIONS
Moved: 12/13/2000 12:24
CBS-FINAL DECISION 12/13/2000

Follow the directions. This is DR...

It had to end. The act was getting tired. One court decision was beginning to blend into the next. 

I hear people talking about this the Supreme Court decision as if it was something complex. Actually, it was very simple. 

Chief Justice Rehnquist -- who won the day -- was very clear in placing the blame for this whole controversy.

"Florida statutory law" he wrote, cannot reasonably be thought to require 
the counting of improperly marked ballots. 

"Each Florida precinct before election day," he continued, "provides instructions on 
how properly to cast a vote, each polling place on election day 
contains a working model of the voting machine it uses, 
and each voting booth contains a sample ballot."

And then he reprinted the voter instructions for punch card ballots. In capital letters it says:

(QUOTE)

AFTER VOTING, CHECK YOUR BALLOT CARD TO 
BE SURE YOUR VOTING SELECTIONS ARE 
CLEARLY AND CLEANLY PUNCHED AND THERE 
ARE NO CHIPS LEFT HANGING ON THE BACK 
OF THE CARD. 

(UNQUOTE)

Right there in his opinion.

Therefore, we can summarize the Supreme Court's final decision as follows:

Next time, read the the directions, you numbskulls! 

The Supreme Court has found that what we apparently have in Florida -- and perhaps throughout the land -- are millions of people who just can't follow directions. 

Alas, poor Al Gore -- spent millions telling people about Social Security and Prescription drugs, but not a dime on how to use a stylus.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ITS OVER
Moved: 12/13/2000 12:24
CBS-ITS OVER 12/13/2000

It's over. This is DR...

It has been a five week lesson in the American electoral process. To summarize:

The people go to the polls to express their will using machines to record their votes. Most of the time this works. Once every hundred years, it doesn't. When that happens, lawyers emerge. Their first step is to begin redefining words. First they redefine words like "vote" and "deadline": 

When that doesn't work, they redefine basic elements of grammar like "may" and "shall." 

Soon they have redefined so many words that nobody understands anything anymore, and language breaks down. People start babbling at each other incoherently, putting together strings of words to no apparent purpose. This is called... cable. Everybody starts watching. They hear about decisions that are not really decisions because they are so indecisive; they hear two people quote the same law and come to opposite conclusions. 

People begin to feel dizzy. 

In desperation they read the Constitution for the first time since grade school, and realize to their horror that they don't understand now anymore than they did then -- because it's full of "shalls."

So they look for a ball game to watch -- but all they see is a 25 year old shortstop signing a contract for a quarter of a billion dollars. So they turn the TV off and try to get some sleep.

And while they sleep, the US Supreme Court holds its own election, and votes 5-4 for George W. Bush. In any other country, this would cause riots. 

But today, most of us could kiss the hems of their robes.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS VOUCHERS
Moved: 12/12/2000 8:41
CBS-VOUCHERS 12/12/2000

Be careful what you wish for. This is DR...

The Supreme Court is about to get another case -- that may be even MORE difficult than the election. 

A federal court this week threw out Cleveland's school voucher program -- a decision that was welcomed by the teachers union and by those who feel vouchers threaten separation of church in state.

But a look at the court ruling reveals the following facts: the voucher program was adopted by the Ohio General Assembly in 1995 because a federal court found the public school district had been mismanaged.

Since the system was a failure, lawmakers decided to give kids a chance to get out. Since they figured middle class kids already had the choice to leave, they would give scholarships to poor kids so THEY would have the same option. And the voucher program was born.

Schools who accepted the vouchers had to accept any race, ethnicity or religion.

For the 1999-2000 school year, 60% of the enrollees are from families at or below the poverty level, and 96% in religious schools... but HOW exactly, is that state endorsement of religion if its what the PARENTS chose?

Here's why, the court said. Because the vouchers are so small -- only 2250 dollars -- that ONLY religious schools are willing to accept them.

Now -- opponents of vouchers worry that they'll drain too much money out of the public schools. But the court is saying that one of the reasons the voucher program is unconstitutional is that the voucher amount is too small to give kids a real choice.

Obvious solution -- make it bigger. Give kids the FULL amount that the state spends on public education in Ohio, which is now over 7,000 a child.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS A ROD
Moved: 12/12/2000 8:41
CBS-RODRIGUEZ 12/12/2000

Two hundred fifty two million. This is DR...

The richest player in baseball is 25 year old shortstop Alex Rodriguez, who will now leave the Seattle Mariners for the Texas Rangers.

"A-WAD" the New York Daily News called him.

So cruel. And it misses the real significance of the Alex Rodriguez story.

Which is this.

The Ballpark at Arlington, where he'll play, cost 191 million dollars to build. The investment in A-Rod will pass that figure in less than eight years. Alex Rodriguez is no longer a player. He is... a stadium. 

Now, when the Rangers built their stadium, they got taxpayer help: a half cent sales tax championed by one George W. Bush.

Why did the taxpayers approve the tax? Because they were told what EVERY baseball town is told: You can't expect a team to pay for a stadium all by itself! The stadium is the most expensive asset of the club.

Well, not anymore. Stadiums are now the SECOND most expensive asset of the club. The MOST expensive asset will be the shortstop.

So here's what I predict: the day is coming when cities will be asked not to pay a stadium tax, but a shortstop tax. In twenty years we will be a nation of old stadiums and new shortshops.

Which may be a GOOD thing. When a city builds a new stadium, they have to get environmental impact statements, condemn land, move streets and utilities. But when a city invests in a shortstop -- all they have to do is make sure there's a Ferrarri dealership nearby. And unlike a stadium, a shortstop doesn't need constant remodeling -- just a little surgery once in a while.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SUPREME2
Moved: 12/11/2000 9:02
CBS-SUPREME2 12/11/2000

I warned you. This is DR...

I warned you on November 15th in this same segment when I said, and I quote me now:

(QUOTE) "Once the results are official, Florida had better SHRED THOSE BALLOTS." (UNQUOTE)

Well, it wasn't done -- and now you see what the problem we have. The secret is in danger of getting out. Every time we think those ballots are safely locked away, somebody tries to COUNT them again.

The federal government is trying its best to protect us, but sooner or later it's going to happen. Somebody is going to file a suit claiming the ballots are public records, and then they are going to count them, and they're going to release the information during the family hour when CHILDREN are watching.

This is INSANITY.

America must be protected from this. We are too fragile as a people to know what is actually in those boxes. And we are running out of options. We cannot trust the political parties because they only follow the laws when it suits them. We cannot trust the courts -- because try to follow the laws, but still come out with opposite rulings. And we cannot trust the legislature because it passed those crazy laws to begin with

There is only one thing left to do and that is rent another truck and take those ballots to Area 51 and keep them with the aliens until our civilization reaches a point where we can accept such news. It's time for the CIA to step in.

With any luck, they secretly switched trucks at that rest stop so that the real ballots are already safely under guard.

Although I have a feeling the CHINESE know what's in tem they say.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BLANKS FLORIDA
Moved: 12/11/2000 9:02
CBS-BLANKS-FLORIDA

And now - it's time to Fill in the Blanks. This is DR...

Here it is, fill in the blanks, where you get the chance to play along at home by simply completing the SENTENCE.

Excellent. Here we go. This morning the first thing we all heard when we woke up was a news story from FLORIDA. That's because all news originates in FLORIDA.

According to the story, there are LATE BREAKING DEVELOPMENTS. Specificially... that today COULD BE THE DAY.

The reason today could be the day is that we are expecting a COURT RULING. This court ruling is very IMPORTANT because it could overturn a previous COURT RULING which was issued THIRTY SECONDS AGO. And was also VERY IMPORTANT.

Most of these courts seem to be in FLORIDA. Except for the US Supreme Court, which is THINKING OF MOVING THERE.

When the ruling is issued, some lawyers will be ELATED. Others will be DISAPPOINTED. However they will all be MAKING $500 AN HOUR.

The bottom line is that today COULD BE THE DAY.

The latest poll shows the number of Americans who think today could be the day is: FORTY NINE PERCENT, and the number of Americans who think today could not be the day is: FORTY NINE PERCENT. The remaining two percent VOTED FOR NADER. The results of this poll are now being RECOUNTED.

Meantime, when we opened the newspaper this morning, we saw another cartoon featuring a FAT LADY with her MOUTH OPEN, because she is trying to SING. These cartoons are all VERY FUNNY because we have NEVER HEARD THIS JOKE BEFORE!

The real joke is that while all this is going on, our 401K accounts are IN THE TOILET. 
Index 

CBS BANKRUPTCY
Moved: 12/8/2000 9:01
CBS-BANKRUPTCY 12/8/2000

Take that, deadbeats. This is DR....

Too many of you have been declaring bankruptcy to get out of paying your credit card bills -- and so the Senate has acted. It has sent President Clinton a sweeping bankruptcy overhaul bill, making it harder to skip out on your obligations.

I know the President says he'll veto the bill, because he thinks it's too hard on people who are down on their luck -- but we all know there are bad peel out there who just plain want to screw the banks.

They run up bills that they haven't a PRAYER of paying back. So the senate HAD to do something to make the law tougher. And don't worry. There are protections -- the bill protects people who sink their savings into huge houses -- so we won't suffer the spectacle of former millionaires out on the street.

I have just one question. If there is a problem with people paying their credit card bills, and if the problem is bad enough that we need tougher bankruptcy laws, can anyone explain why credit card issuers mailed out 3.45 billion solicitation letters last year?

I know this is the land of the free.

But it's easier to get a credit card than an absentee ballot in this country. 

There are people whose CATS get credit applications -- and none of these cats have jobs. 

And even if they did -- do you think they'd even LOOK at a bank statement?

If somebody accepts a credit card, and keeps running his balance higher and higher, and the bank never checks to find out that this guy is making $6 an hour as a chad sweeper in Florida, who's the REAL idiot? The guy with the card, or the banks that sent him twenty offers begging him to take it?!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NEBRASKA
Moved: 12/8/2000 9:01
CBS-NEBRASKA 12/8/2000

Beautiful Nebraska. This is DR...

President Clinton has finally touched all fifty states, with his historic visit to Nebraska -- first of his presidency.

I know how it is, Nebraska. I live way out here in Washington State -- used to be the only time we saw Air Force One was the day it left the Boeing factory.

Presidential candidates never came here -- unless they were on the way to Japan. But Bill Clinton has come here numerous times. And not just him: the Presidential candidates this last election paid at least 12 visits between them. The vice presidential candidates came too. We couldn't get rid of these guys. Their motorcades messed up traffic as they headed off to visit a factory, or read books to third graders.

And you in Nebraska probably want to know - what's Washington's secret?

How did we do it?

Easy. Microsoft. Presidents and would-be presidents are attracted to Washington state because we have the big green Cookie Jar.

This is where the candy's hidden.

It isn't JUST because we're a swing state, it's because we're a swing state with billionaires. 

According to Forbes Magazine, we've got thirteen of them. You, Nebraska, have only three. And one of them is Warren Buffett -- who, if you invited him to a 10,000 dollar a plate dinner would inspect the plate to make sure it's actually worth the ten thousand.

As it says in your state song:

Beautiful Nebraska, peaceful prairieland,
Laced with many rivers, and the hills of sand;
But every state has rivers, every state has rain and sun
And it takes more than pretty landscapes to beckon Air Force One.

Now this...

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS LEGISLATURE SPLIT
Moved: 12/8/2000 9:01
CBS-LEGISLATURE SPLIT 12/07/2000

The will of the people. This is DR.

There was an op-ed piece in the LA Times suggesting that the Florida Legislature could have solved the whole election problem just by SPLITTING its electors. Florida has 25 of them and you can't split them evenly, the piece suggested twelve and twelve.

Not at all a crazy idea, since, as we've been told by the Supreme Court that when it comes to Presidential elections, the state legislature can do whatever it wants.

But this idea is going nowhere, because as the Republicans properly point out, the result in Florida is not, strictly speaking, equal. The certified results say George Bush won it by 537 votes. So, to split the electors 12 and 12 not only leaves you with one disappointed elector, it doesn't accurately reflect the results.

Here's what you have to do:

Give George W 240,000 votes.

That settles the election once and for all.

240,000 votes is way beyond that number of votes that ANY recount could possibly harvest.

Then we do a little calculation. We notice that Florida cast six million votes, and that it has 25 electors. That mans each elector represents -- look at that! 240,000 votes! This works out perfectly. It means that instead of 12 and 12, which would be clearly unfair, you could divide the electors up 12 and THIRTEEN, giving Bush the clear victory in Florida that he deserves.

So then adding these to the total, you get Bush with ... oh dear. That leaves Bush with only 259, and Gore with 279. That would mean the guy who won the popular vote also wins the electoral vote.

Oh well. THAT's not gonna work!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS IN THE BEGINNING
Moved: 12/8/2000 9:01
CBS-IN THE BEGINNING 12/05/2000

In the beginning. This is DR...

In the beginning, God created chad. And he looked at the chad, and saw it was bad. But canvassing boards had already got hold of the chad, and since the bad chad was all they had, they began to add.

And it was morning and evening of the first deadline.

Then God looked at what he had done and said, I will send them lawyers to save them from this terrible alliteration! And so the lawyers came, and they were fruitful and did multiply, and they filled the court rooms. 

And it was morning and evening of the second deadline.

And God watched the lawyers. He watched as they filed briefs that were NOT brief -- he watched as they explained how rules were NOT rules, and votes were NOT votes. And he saw that it was bad. As bad as the chad. So God got mad. And he said, I will send them judges to to smite the lawyers, and the lawyers, thus smitten, will at last get to their closing arguments. And it was morning and evening of the third deadline.

And the judges came into the courtrooms, and they stayed in the courtrooms, and they were there in the morning, and they were there in the evening, and they were there late into the night, and it was morning and evening of the fourth deadline, and still they were there. 

And so God said, I will send them the Florida Legislature so that it might pass many wise resolutions. And so he created the Florida Legislature. And the Florida legislature did pass a resolution, and the resolution said, we are the Florida Legislature, and WE are God.

And God saw what they had done, and gave up.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS RECOUNT8
Moved: 12/7/2000 8:42
CBS-RECOUNT8 12/07/2000

Those nasty technicalities. This is DR.

The absentee ballot issue in Seminole and Martin Counties makes an interesting case, all of a sudden. 

You had thousands of ballot applications from Republican voters that came back missing a registration number, because of a glitch in the printing process.

The party felt terrible about this, so it sent in its own people to add the missing numbers.

There is NO allegation they changed any votes. All they did was look up voter registration numbers and write them in.

Strictly speaking, that is in violation of the election law, but it is clearly a technicality. So the Republican party has been arguing in court that it would be WRONG to toss out votes because of a technicality.

OK. 

But NOW, we have Monday's US Supreme Court ruling -- which the Republicans sought -- stating that the US Constitution puts the LEGISLATURE in control of Presidential electors. In fact, when it comes to electors, the legislature's rules TRUMP EVEN the Florida constitution.

Therefore, you can't go arguing that "every vote counts" just because the Florida constitution says so. You can only argue every vote counts if the LEGISLATURE says so. The Republicans hailed that ruling as a victory when it was applied to counting Al Gore's votes.

But now you have these absentees, which are mostly Bush votes. And while the problem with those votes is strictly a technicality -- it's a technicality established by the Legislature, which, according to the Supreme Court, has absolute power in Presidential elections.

Be careful what you wish for.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS LEGISLATURE
Moved: 12/7/2000 8:42
CBS-LEGISLATURE 12/07/2000

Doing the right thing. This is DR...

The Florida Legislature, to protect the voters of the state, is going to meet for the purpose of picking the electors itself. 

House Speaker Tom Feeney says with the deadline looming, there is no choice:

TAPE: "Fundamentally I believe that when I took my oath, I did so without qualification... fun, convenient or popular."

A politician motivated by principle! A refreshing concept.

I just have one question -- the last part of Mr. Feeney's remark:

TAPE: "I didn't say I would do my duty if it was fun, or convenient, or popular."

He's saying in this case -- to do the POPULAR thing would be wrong. That's the question I have. I thought the purpose of an election WAS PRECISELY that. To find out which candidate is the most popular, and give that person the job.

And while we all know the PRESIDENT isn't chosen by popular vote, this is about the electors -- and we know that the ELECTORS in each state ARE chosen by popular vote. 

But it's a small point, I suppose. Time is passing -- and unless Al Gore wins an injunction against the calendar, I guess the legislature has no choice but to make sure Florida's voters, have their say, even if their say turns out not to be what they actually said.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS SEAT BELTS
Moved: 12/5/2000 11:05
CBS-SEAT BELTS 12/04/2000

Let's see how long THIS takes. This is DR...

By now you've hear about the case of Gail Atwater of Lago Vista Texas.

Gail was driving her kids home from soccer, when a toy fell out of their pickup. The road appeared to be deserted, so Gail unbuckled the kids -- ages 4 and 6 -- and they leaned out the windows as she crawled along at about 15 miles an hour looking for the toy.

She must have known this was illegal because she'd been stopped once by an officer who suspected her son Mac wasn't buckled in. Turned out he was.

But this time he clearly wasn't, and luck would have it, they were being watched by officer Bart Turek -- the same officer who had pulled them over before.

He asked for her license and insurance.

Said she, "My purse was stolen, officer."

Said he, "You're going to jail" -- according to the suit -- and she sat in a holding cell until she posted bail an hour later.

She paid her seat belt fine -- but the $110 towing fee-- THAT made her mad.

She sued the city and the police for the $110.

Lower courts dismissed her case, and now the US Supreme Court has agreed to decide whether her suit should be considered.

We all know that seat belts are a good idea. But this is also about something else.

We have seen the court system work with extraordinary speed when it wants to -- issuing opinions on complex and contradictory election laws in a matter of days. Working late into the night if necessary. Gail Atwater was stopped in 1997

This isn't ballot science! All she wants is the right to sue for $110, and it's already taken THREE YEARS. 

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. 
Index 

CBS SCALIA ELECTION
Moved: 12/5/2000 11:05
CBS-SCALIA 12/04/2000

One thing is crystal clear! This is DR...

It's been another weekend of court arguments over what is a vote and what is not a vote. 

But there is ONE thing that has become CRYSTAL clear, and that is whether there is a constitutional right to vote in a Presidential election. 

There is none.

Justice Scalia laid it out during the Supreme Court argument -- and it was captured on tape. 

SCALIA: There is no right of suffrage under Article Two. There's a right of suffrage in voting for the legislature, but Article Two makes it very clear that the legislature itself can appoint the electors.

I'm sure we've all read that part of the Constitution, but it has a special impact when a Supreme Court Justice spells it out.

We pretend to vote, they pretend to count.

When it comes to a presidential election, what you have is the right to color a bubble, or punch a chad, but there is clearly no constitutional REQUIREMENT that "what you do" be counted.

I hear that Democrats are handing out thousands of orange ribbons as part of their campaign to discredit any attempt by the Florida legislature to intervene -- they continue to demand that all the votes be counted.

But listen carefully:

SCALIA:

Anybody who is a believer in the strict interpretation of the Constitution should be out in the streets demanding just the opposite. That their votes NOT be counted! 

"Quit trying to count my vote!" is what you should be chanting.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS SUP CT MEDIA
Moved: 12/5/2000 8:43
CBS-SUP CT MEDIA 12/05/2000

It was November 7th all over again! This is DR...

We in the news media really TRY to behave, we really do. We TRY not to jump the gun, but we can't help ourselves.

It happened on November 7th, and since then news executives have promised never again to call an election before its time.

But then on Monday, it happened again. The US Supreme Court released its decision on the Florida ballot deadline without warning, and within minutes, most news channels were on the air trying to explain it. The only problem was that the correspondents hadn't read it yet. SO you had correspondents saying, uh, well, we haven't read it yet, shuffle shuffle shuffle, and the newspapers today are full of critiques.

But have you READ that decision that THEY were trying to read?

It concluded, in part "We are unclear as to the extent to which the Florida Supreme Court saw the Florida Constitution as circumscribing the legislature's authority... We are also unclear as to the consideration the Florida Supreme Court accorded to 3 U. S. C. 5. The judgment of the Supreme Court of Florida is therefore vacated..."

Even when you READ it you don't know what it means.

I wonder -- in a case like this, what would be wrong with the Supreme Court just including a paragraph spelling out what they did? The Supreme Court could've said "Today we have told the Florida Supreme Court to come up with better reasons, and until they do, their decision is toast."

Then -- reporters can rush on the air with a decision they haven't had a chance to read and at least interpret it correctly.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BAD CHAD AGAIN
Moved: 12/5/2000 8:43
CBS-BAD CHAD 12/05/2000

So let's summarize what we NOW know. This is DR...

The Democrats, who believe recounts should count, took their case to the Florida Supreme Court. The Florida Supreme Court extended the recount deadline, saying that the right to vote doesn't mean much if the votes you have a right to cast, aren't counted.

They ruled that for a vote to be a vote, the deadline was NOT a deadline.

The Republicans took it to the US Supreme Court. They argued that a deadline IS a deadline, even if it means that some votes are not votes.

This is important because any county that counted the recounts because they'd been told that the deadline WASN'T a deadline, might end up helping to elect the person the people wanted elected, when, under the law, there are times when the people HAVE no right to elect the person they want to elect.

After thinking about it over the weekend, the U-S Supreme Court issued an opinion in which they unanimously decided ... NOT to decide.

They didn't say whether the Florida Supreme Court's decision was right or wrong, only that the court CLEARLY had been unclear in its reasons for reaching it.

So now the Florida Supreme Court must decide whether it can reach the same decision -- for DIFFERENT reasons.

In the meantime, even though there there may be no deadline for counting votes, there is a deadline for choosing a president, meaning that by not making a decision, the Supreme Court may in fact have made the decision.

And that's why more and more Americans are telling pollsters that it might be best if the candidate most of them voted for concedes the election!

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS DONATIONS
Moved: 11/30/2000 8:18
CBS-TRANSITION 11/29/2000

I guess I was wrong. This is DR...

Two days ago, I was remarking on the privately-financed Bush transition and speculated that this would open up an unparalleled donation opportunity.

-- A chance to contribute to a candidate without worrying about contribution limits and disclosure rules! And I speculated that that it would basically be a festival of unrestrained corporate largesse.

And then -- the next day, Dick Cheney comes out and says the donations will be limited to 5000 dollars, from individuals only, no corporations, no PACs.

In other words, he is doing the noble thing.

So I want to apologize to Dick Cheney for implying that he would accept unrestricted donations, and while I'm at it, I'll apologize to the corporations for implying they might want to give money for the purpose of influencing the transition.

I guess it's easy to look at the campaign, and all the money corporations gave to help underwrite the Democratic and Republican conventions, and assume that the same thing would happen in a privately-financed transition.

But it will not, and that should be encouraging for anyone who thought campaign reform was impossible.

It IS possible. The Republicans' decision to put strict limits on transition donations -- even though they're locked in a PR war with the vice-president, shows that they DO believe such rules make a difference. That it IS a good thing to limit donations.

And so when Senator John McCain proposes campaign finance reform YET AGAIN in the new session, I expect that THIS TIME, it will sail right through.

Now this.

[Meanwhile today the FEC released more records from the campaign just passed: it came out today that Motorola Corp. gave $5.6 million worth of services to the Democratic Convention, and a $1 million to the Republican convention. Republicans also got $3 million from Verizon Communications according to FEC records.

Doonations are also in the pipeline to the Inauguration Committee.

``As long as I've been here, we have donated cars to the (inaugural)
committee,'' said Bill Noack, a spokesman for General Motors. The
company also donated hundreds of cars to last summer's conventions.

Microsoft spokesman Rick Miller said the software company, a big
donor to the conventions as well, plans to donate software for the
inauguration as in years past.

Such companies haven't been solicited yet, because the presidential
election is yet to be settled.

Those who give often have major business pending before Congress.

Verizon and the other regional Bell phone companies have been furiously
lobbying lawmakers to add language to unfinished spending measures
that would free them from having to pay local phone rivals to complete
Internet dial-up calls made by Bell customers. That would save the Bells
billions of dollars.

Other big donors to the GOP host committee included cable television
company Comcast with $1.4 million and ATT with $1.2 million.

Besides Motorola, top Democratic host committee contributors included
SBC at $1.7 million and the oil company Arco at $1.5 million. --AP] 
Index 

CBS RYDER BALLOTS
Moved: 11/30/2000 8:18
CBS-RYDER BALLOTS 11/30/2000

The Will of the People heads north. This is DR...

There it goes, escorted by the SWAT team. A Ryder truck contacting the Will of the People, headed from South Florida to North Florida.

Meantime, the experts look even farther down the road at the ultimate destination: the US Congress, and the end-game that may unfold there.

Under one scenario, Florida could end up with TWO slates of electors: a democratic slate chosen as the result of a recount, and a republican slate chosen by the Florida Legislature.

When Congress meets to count their votes -- those electors could then be challenged one by one. Any objection over an elector, under current law, must be settled by a majority vote of the House and majority vote in the Senate. But since this meeting to count electoral votes is scheduled to occur on January 6, it means the NEW Senate -- which is split 50-50, will be in place.

However, since vice president Gore's term doesn't expire until January 20th, it means he is still president of the senate, and could cast a tie-breaking vote. Meaning he would be in a position to approve his own electors. While the House, with a Republican majority, would reject his electors.

But it may not get to that. It all depends on the dimples -- and those dimples are on ballots that have been shuffled, stacked, loaded into metal bins, pressed together, jostled onto a Ryder Truck, and sent rumbling along the 400 miles of highway between Miami and Tallahassee.

For all we know the will of the people may have changed around Orlando.

To think the Soviet Union once aimed missiles at us, when all they had to do was sell us Vote-O-Matic machines.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS VOTUS INTERRUPTUS
Moved: 11/29/2000 8:48
CBS-VOTUS INTERRUPTUS 11/28/2000

Finally we get WITNESSES! This is DR...

There's one thing about the Florida mess that still puzzles me. The Republicans have pooh-poohed the dimples, and dismissed the whole idea that the Vote-O-Matic machines were defective. 

OK. So if the machines worked properly, where are the dimple makers?

When these new court hearings begin, I want the Republicans need to call the dimple-makers to the stand.

The voters who briefly considered voting for president, then changed their mind:

They thought about voting for a candidate as they picked up the stylus. They were still thinking about voting for that candidate as they inserted the stylus into the hole. And they were still planning to vote as they pressed the stylus against the chad. However, as the stylus was JUST about to perforate the chad, they suddenly came to their senses, and YANKED it back, realizing just in the NICK of time how CLOSE they had come to actually voting for president.

We're told there are hundreds of people who did this. SO let's get just ONE of them under oath, so we can solve this thing. 

I want to hear from the person who got into the car, drove to the polling place, signed the voter list, took a ballot, went into the voting booth, put the stylus in the hole, watched as it went deeper and deeper, and then, just as it TOUCHED the chad and was about to separate the perforations, he suddenly realized the insanity of what he was about to do, broke into a cold sweat and summoning up every ounce of strength he had, committed Votus Interruptus rather than deflower his country.

Then finally we could end this controversy once and for all.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FLORIDA LEGISLATURE
Moved: 11/29/2000 8:48
CBS-FLORIDA LEGISLATURE 11/29/2000

How will this look to the public? This is DR...

The Florida Legislature is getting ready to pick the state's electors itself. They called Constitutional scholars to Tallahassee for a hearing, asked them what the law says, and everybody agreed it would be perfectly legal.

But STILL they're worried. According to the New York Times, one Republican member, who asked to remain anonymous, said, and I quote: "We have to be careful how this looks to the public."

They're apparently worried that it would look bad to usurp the election process and just go ahead and appoint the electors on their own.

But I don't think they have to worry.

We out here in the public pretty much know what's going on. And we think it looks GREAT.

In fact, we feel lucky they let us vote at ALL!

As members of the public, we know that the US Constitution does not require a popular vote for president.

To quote the Constitution: Each State shall appoint, in such Manner as the Legislature thereof may direct, a Number of Electors...

That's what the electoral college is all about. The writers of the constitution didn't trust us members of the public to choose a president. The only reason we get to vote for president at all is because the STATES have kindly allow us to vote for the electors.

So I don't know why the Florida legislature is worried about "how this will look to the public" if they just go ahead and choose the electors. It will look like what it is. A message that sometimes the public can't be trusted. The founders were right. We got the chance to vote for president, and just as they predicted, we screwed it up.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BLANKS
Moved: 11/29/2000 6:20
CBS-BLANKS 11/24/2000

And now - it's time to Fill in the Blanks. This is DR...

Here it is, fill in the blanks, where you get the chance to play along at home by simply completing the SENTENCE.

Dateline FLORIDA. Both presidential candidates remain upset over the rules for the RECOUNT. So they filed a LAWSUIT before the STATE SUPREME COURT. Every day, from the moment the SUN COMES UP they file a LAWSUIT before the STATE SUPREME COURT. Even if it's a holiday and all public buildings are closed they file a LAWSUIT before the STATE SUPREME COURT.

If you or I were to file a lawsuit after the courts are closed, we would find that the justices are NOT THERE.

One of the most important legal questions is the question of DIMPLED CHAD which is what happens when instead of punching out the chad, a voter TICKLES the chad, causing the chad TO SMILE. 

When justices start talking about things like DIMPLED CHAD, even with their long dark robes on, they LOOK VERY SILLY.

Because of the dimpled chad, George Bush's lawyers argue that these recounts are a JOKE. Unless it's a recount of MILITARY BALLOTS. In that case recounts are A WONDERFUL THING.

Al Gore agrees that military recounts are a wonderful thing, provided the ballots have POSTMARKS. He would be happy to count the ones without postmarks, but only if they are SIGNED, and DATED, and SPRINKLED WITH MAGIC FAIRY DUST.

Because that is the only way to insure that the count is FAIR AND ACCURATE.

And as a result of all this, our next president will be SLOBODAN MILOSEVICH.

Well done. Now this.

This is DR.. 
Index 

CBS TRANSITION 11/28/200
Moved: 11/28/2000 8:21
CBS-TRANSITION 11/28/2000

An unparalleled donation opportunity. This is DR ...

George W. Bush is preparing to move into the White House. His top people are going to Washington to start the transition to a Bush administration -- only one teensy weensy problem: government bureaucrats won't give him the keys.

He's been locked out of the transition office, and denied the transition money, because there are pending court cases which could flip the election. He's also not getting the usual Secret Service protection a president-elect would get.

How far is this doing to go? I can see the two of them racing to get their hands on the Bible first. We better establish some stability QUICK before Mexico sends the Marines.

But no problem. The Bush campaign says it can easily move ahead with the transition.

It will raise the money PRIVATELY.

Which sets up a fantastic opportunity never before seen in this country. FINALLY, a chance to contribute to a candidate without all those annoying contribution limits and disclosure rules! 

The campaign is over! Campaign laws don't apply.

THINK of this: here is an opportunity for individuals, corporations -- heck, even the CHINESE - to give as much money as they want to a Presidential candidate. And not just any presidential candidate, but a presidential candidate who has a pretty good chance of being president in less than two months. GM might want to provide the limos. Exxon the gas. Bill Gates the database software.

Suddenly, there are no worries about soft money or hard money -- it's just money.

This is a donation opportunity SO appealing -- I bet they don't even have to serve coffee.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS GORE 11/28/2000
Moved: 11/28/2000 8:20
CBS-GORE 11/28/2000

For posterity. This is DR...

The vice president made it clear in his speech. He is not pursuing this vote challenge for himself. 

That's what you were thinking, wasn't it? That this was partisan politics! No!

He's pursuing it for posterity. This is posterity politics.

That's why he surrounded himself with the 12 American flags. That's not a record, by the way -- so far Dick Cheney holds the record with 14 American flags at his transition news conference.

But 12 IS still considerable.

"Two hundred years from now," he said, "when future Americans study this presidential election... let them learn that democracy was ultimately put ahead of partisan politics..."

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS 114 GORE
Time: 8s
In-cue: 
Out-cue: IS FAIR] 

So, if the process can just be fair, the losing side will just accept it, and will NOT spend the next four years talking about the crooks who stole the election in Florida. 

Partisanship will disappear, party labels will be meaningless, Simba will lie down with Bambi, and everyone will get a highway project.

An appealing vision, one we all hope comes true. There was only one part of the speech where I think the vice president was wrong -- and I think he recognized it too, because he kind of chuckled nervously:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS 105 GORE
Time: 9s
In-cue: 
Out-cue: COUNT THEM]

I think there he was ACTUALLY referring to CANADA.

They had a national election Monday, and they already know the results.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS MILITARY VICTORY
Moved: 11/27/2000 8:50
CBS-TRANSITION 11/25/00 10:56 AMDLR 1:42 

Who gets the keys? This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

So let me get this straight. The Republicans are about to file briefs before the United States Supreme Court asking it to rule that the Florida Supreme Court was wrong to extend the deadline for a final count in Florida. A deadline which resulted in THEIR MAN being declared the winner.

OK...

And the Democrats, who have been arguing that canvassing boards must be free to do hand recounts, will ALSO contest last night's certification - in part - on the grounds that the local officials who freely decided NOT to do hand recounts were wrong.

As a result, there is enough confusion that the General Accounting office cannot by law give George W. Bush the keys to the transition office and the 5.3 million dollars for the transition staff.

So NOW what do we do? Well, over the weekend we saw a remarkable thing. We saw veteran after veteran scolding the local canvassing boards for throwing out military absentee ballots for lack of a postmark or dated signature. And they invoke American patriotism, pointing out that our armed forces sacrifice a lot for this country, and these silly technicalities should NOT disqualify their ballots.

Plus I keep getting e-mails from listeners who are in the military complaining about how low morale is in the military because of the sleaze in the White House?

So there it is. We have the answer.

Have the joint chiefs call a press conference, appear before the nation in full uniform, flanked by American flags, and tell us who the military wants.

This democracy stuff is too messy anyway!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CANADA
Moved: 11/27/2000 8:50
CBS-CANADA 11/27/2000

There's another big national election today. This is DR.

It's in Canada. Canadians go to the polls today in an election which will decide who runs the country. You have Prime Minister Jean Chretien, a liberal, versus a conservative challenger Stockwell Day, a former preacher who believes in creationism. 

And while there is no electoral college in Canada, there is an INDIRECT system for electing the Canadian Prime Minister: who becomes prime minister depends on which party gets a working majority in Parliament. Which means the ultimate result could hinge on the outcome of a local election!

And you look at all this and you feel the urge to warn your Canadian friends -- whatever you do, vote CAREFULLY! Push the stylus ALL the way through, and check the chad! Don't let what happened to us happen to you!

And then you look at how the Canadians vote. And you realize -- there IS no stylus. Canadians don't have chad!

It turns out the ballots used in Canadian elections are the same in every district, and have been that way for 100 years.

They are ballots printed on regular paper, with the names of the candidates in alphabetical order by last name.

And Canadians vote by making an X.

Let me repeat that:

Canadians vote by making an X.

And then "after all the ballots are cast, each polling station... counts them by hand, with the poll clerk and representatives from the candidates watching."

Do you hear that? No stylus, no levers, no bubbles, no chad! Canadians make an X, and then they count the ballots by hand ON ELECTION NIGHT. First thing!

Further proof that Canada is NOT a real country!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS RECOUNT SAT
Moved: 11/24/2000 9:05
CBS-RECOUNT-SAT 11/24/2000

State of mind. This is DR...

This whole election brou ha ha boils down to one central concept. 

The voters' state of mind. That's why they're using magnifying glasses to look at the ballots now.

If you can just see enough detail; if you can get close enough, you can decipher -- even in a simple dimple -- the voters state of mind on the day that they finally had to decide once and for all who would make the best president.

And it MUST be done carefully because there is a very important principle at stake: the LEGITIMACY of the next man to occupy the office.

We have been told over and over again that if the count is not accurate, the new President will not have LEGITIMACY. The people will not consent to his leadership.

The corollary to that theory is that if the count IS accurate, the new president WILL have legitimacy. That's what reassures us that in the end this will all be worthwhile. If doesn't matter if he wins by only 600 votes, so long as the final count accurately reflects the state of mind of the voters.

But let's think about that for a moment.

Assume the new President, whoever he is, wins by 600 votes. 

Every president has a honeymoon, a period when the American people give him the benefit of the doubt, but I predict that no matter what he does, at some point early in his term he will tick somebody off.

And that that point there will be a demonstration. And I predict, assuming that we won by 600 votes, THAT demonstration will comprise exactly 301 people carrying signs which read "I'm from Florida, and I've changed my mind."

THEN what will we do?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BAD CHAD 4
Moved: 11/24/2000 9:05
CBS-COUNTING DIMPLES 11/23/2000

Clearing it all up yet AGAIN. This is DR...

Now Al Gore is saying that if he loses the election despite the recount that he demanded, he will contest the results. At the same time, George Bush was asking the US Supreme Court to stop the recounts altogether, unless they're recounts of MILITARY ballots. To which Al Gore argued, NO! Do NOT stop the recounts 

So here's what that means:

Al Gore, the man who said the recounts should count, said he would challenge the results of those recounts, even as he was telling the US Supreme Court to let the recounts count.

And George Bush, the man who said the recounts SHOULDN'T count, thinks CERTAIN recounts SHOULD count.

All of this is important because if counties count the recounts AFTER the deadline that as it turns out wasn't a deadline, the person the people didn't elect could be elected.

But if Al Gore challenges the final count, it means a final count wouldn't be final. And if the Florida legislature calls a special session, and just picks the presidential electors ITSELF, it wouldn't matter if the final count wasn't final, because even a final count wouldn't count.

Because the representatives that the voters of Florida elected to represent them would represent them by ignoring them!

In the meantime, there is one piece of good news we can all understand. Dick Cheney's heart attack, which was initially described as not being a heart attack at all, WAS a heart attack, but such a minor heart attack so as not to be even worth describing as a heart attack, which it originally wasn't described as anyway.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS TURKEY
Moved: 11/22/2000 8:56
TURKEY.CBS 11/21/00 3:42 PM-DLR 1:01 

Wimping out. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Hey -- I know how to decide the winner. The Presidency should go to whichever man actually promises to EAT the White House turkey. Because it's happened again. Every year the president pardons the White House turkey out of some misguided sense of justice. Every year it goes to a petting zoo. By now the nation's petting zoos must be overflowing with turkeys. And who wants to pet a turkey? 

Is it even AMERICAN to pet a turkey?

Let's remember that the first Thanksgiving was a gluttonous orgy. I looked it up. The pilgrims not only killed turkeys, they had roast duck, roast goose - they even roasted SWANS - and that was BEFORE the Indians showed up. The Indians brought five deer, and the all ate for three days.

They didn't pardon the turkey. They also didn't show up with Tofu SHAPED like a turkey, another disturbing cultural trend in America. Not that there's anything wrong with tofu, but if you're going to serve Tofu, serve it the way God intended: as a rectangular block covered by that mystery liquid, whatever it is.

That's why I liked the idea of John McCain as president. He'd have eaten the Turkey. Dispatched it himself -- both to insure freshness, and as a not-so-subtle warning to Saddam Hussein.

Even Pat Buchanan could have done better! I'm not sure he has it in him to kill a turkey but he'd have at least locked it up.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS DIMPLES2
Moved: 11/22/2000 8:56
CBS-DIMPLES2 11/22/2000

Please tell us. This is DR...

The Florida Supreme Court's ruling is based on a pretty simple concept.

People have a right to have their votes counted. If you let people vote, but then don't COUNT the votes, voters get really sore. And what defines a vote? Is a vote a vote ONLY if a machine can read it? No, says the court. If a human being can look at a ballot and find a clear vote that the machine missed, it should be counted.

So, local officials are free to look at the ballots - and if they can agree that a dimpled chad is a vote, then they are free to count it.

This drives the Republicans nuts. They have visions of every scratch being counted. They visions of democratic canvassing boards checking Al Gore's chad for traces of voter DNA and counting THAT if it tests positive.

But wait - we can find out for sure! The election has finally come down to dimpled ballots. Let's ask the people who made the dimples! Let's ask the people who couldn't get their stylus all the way through the hole.

You people know who you are. Call your local officials. If they won't listen, e-mail ME. Because the Florida Supreme Court punted on the question of whether a dimple is a vote. But it HAS said that what matters in an election is what the voter intended -- not what the chad intended, but what the voter intended. 

The thoughts in the voter's head. 

So if you are one of those who tried like crazy to push your stylus through the ballot, and it just wouldn't go down -- please tell us what you were thinking. Were you trying to vote, or were you just angry at the card? Tell us quickly, please.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS BAD CHAD3
Moved: 11/22/2000 8:56
CBS-COUNTING DIMPLES 11/22/2000

Is it clear yet? This is DR...

Let's go over this ONE MORE TIME.

The first question was -- if there's a bad chad that doesn't cover the whole hole, can it be hand-scanned? In its first ruling last week, the Florida Supreme Court decided YES, you can hand-scan a bad chad.

So then the question became, if the bad chad IS hand-scanned, MUST the recount count?

A county judge said no. He ruled that even if you hand-scan a bad chad, the count doesn't count. Because a deadline is a deadline.

So it went back to the Florida Supreme Court, because the democrats were concerned that if the recount that doesn't count, the president-elect may not actually have been elected. Keeping in mind, of course, that under our winner take all system, the president elect doesn't HAVE to be person actually elected.

So now the Florida Supreme Court has ruled! And it has ruled that the counties have five more days to count their votes. BUT as for defining whether a DIMPLE counts as a vote, the court left that up to local officials.

So to summarize where we are now: if you hand-scan bad chads, the recount counts, because the deadline was not a deadline. But the dimples are not so simple. Because if the counties count the dimples the person the people didn't elect could be elected -- which would be a mockery of democracy.

I can understand how poor Dick Cheney must feel.

Meantime I can report that, at the White House, the President has once again pardoned the Thanksgiving turkey, which may go down as the most decisive act by any government official this year.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS WWF SLOW
Moved: 11/20/2000 8:26
CBS-WWF-SLOW 11/20/2000

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

Dateline New York. The World Wrestling Federation has filed a lawsuit against the Parents Television Council, accuses it of a "consistent pattern of lies, self-concocted hoaxes, threats and intimidation." The suit seeks unspecified damages claiming that major companies like Coca Cola and General Motors have refused to advertise on the Smackdown TV show as a direct result of the scandalous charges made by the Council.

Specifically, the Parents Television Council has described the Smackdown as (QUOTE) "The most ultra-violent, foul-mouthed, and sexually explicit show on prime-time television."

Hmmm. Pretty serious charge.

LET'S TAKE THAT REAL SLOW

"The most ultra-violent, foul-mouthed, and sexually explicit show on prime-time television."

Now let's see. If I was running the WWF Smackdown, and someone came out and called my show "The most ultra-violent, foul-mouthed, and sexually explicit show on prime-time television" and spread this slander from coast to coast ... what would I do.

Well, clearly, I would have no choice. I would have to send my lawyer to the Parents Television Council and say -- Thanks!

You see?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS RECOUNT4
Moved: 11/20/2000 8:26
CBS-RECOUNT4 11/20/2000

You mean votes are being manipulated? We are SHOCKED! This is DR...

After two weeks of "America Undecided", there is ALMOST nothing more to say. Except this. Today the Florida Supreme court will hold a hearing to define the word "HOLE."

THAT'S what it's doing today -- holding a hearing where each side will get to argue their version of what constitutes a hole. Is a hole defined as something only a machine can read properly, or can a hole be subject to human interpretation.

And everyone will sit gravely in the courtroom and pretend this is significant.

And try to keep a straight face on live TV.

I can't wait to hear party lawyers talk about "manipulating" the counting of these holes. Hey -- how about the way you guys manipulate the process that got the voters to make the holes in the first place? 

Say -- instead of listening to arguments about holes -- why doesn't court subpoena the candidates and grill them about their campaigns?

Here we give them federal money and what do they do with it? Try to scare us! TV ads, radio ads, brochures, automated phone calls which said our Social Security would disappear, or someone would be coming to snatch our guns away, or snatch grandpa's heart pills away, or the air would turn brown and we'd all choke to death -- no wonder people were poking so many holes! It was their way of saying make it stop! Make it stop! The election was a mass voodoo ceremony! 

Pundits seem so surprised that the polls show that Americans aren't worried about the election crisis. Of COURSE we aren't worried. Now that the ads have stopped we all feel great.

Now this. 

This is Dave Ross.... 
Index 

CBS ASTEROID
Moved: 11/17/2000 13:02
Nov 7, 2000 
TUESDAY: ASTEROID 

Saved again. 

It was with great concern that I read over the weekend -
maybe you saw it too - ANOTHER prediction of an asteroid
collision. There it was again - a prediction that a 200 foot
asteroid was on a collision course with earth, close
enough that there was a one in 500 chance it would hit
with the force of a catastrophic nuclear blast. 

Immediately I began doing a few calculations and realized
that in 30 years, at the age of 78, I would only JUST be
recouping my social security taxes. And being right in the
middle of the Baby Boom I wouldn't be alone. Which would
mean that as the earth went careening into the sun it
would be carrying a whole lot of really ticked off taxpayers.

The other annoying thing was the report that it might not
even be an asteroid, but an old Apollo rocket booster! All
those rogue nations out there and the real security threat
turns out to be our own space program! 

But you can rest easy, because just as with the last
asteroid prediction in 1998, the calculations have been
refined, and we're NOW told there's virtually no chance it
will happen. The new calculations show that instead of a
one in 1-500 chance of getting hit 30 years from now, there
is just a 1-in-1,000 chance of getting hit 70 years from
today. 

On the astronomical scale, this is a minor correction. 

But those of us with an eye on retirement really appreciate
it. Because I could just see it -- we go to all that trouble to
put all that social security money in that nice strong lock
box and in thirty years, KAPOW -- all we get is a charred
lock box. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ELECTION DAY
Moved: 11/17/2000 13:02
TUESDAY: ELECTION DAY 2000 

Oh, the feeling! 

Yes, I know everybody says the people don't run their
government anymore. That smug politicians pull all the
strings. Well, you ask any politician in a close race how
smug he feels today. 

Because today is one of those rare days when, unless you
are under 18, a convicted felon, or a non-citizen, you
actually have POWER. 

I don't care how cynical the ads have left you. I don't care
what you think of the candidates. Today YOU get to give
the orders. 

You don't have to tell anyone whom you chose. You can
even lie about it. You can choose for good reasons, you
can choose for bad reasons. But NOBODY can tell you
HOW to choose. 

Today even the most powerful office holders in the land are
helpless. Today all the panderers must sit on the edge of
their seats and await the verdict of the panderees. Today
the spinners are silent, the fundraisers have only their
cancelled checks - and whether it was all worth it is up to
you. 

Today -- you can decide to IGNORE the spin if you want
to. You can ignore the commentary, the analysis, you can
even ignore the BILLIONS of dollars worth of ads. In one
stroke you can make all the soft money meaningless! 

So pause to contemplate the moment. 

Look at the names of the present and wouldbe leaders
who sit as supplicants beneath your gaze. You stand as
the emperor with thumb poised -- in an election where one
vote literally CAN make a difference. 

Today you are the general who gives the orders. Enjoy it.
Because for most of us, tomorrow we go back to taking
them. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS EXIT POLLING 3
Moved: 11/17/2000 9:57
CBS-EXIT POLLING 3 11/17/2000

An appeal for victims. This is DR...

A congressional subcommittee plans to hold hearings in January on the election and specifically, the effect of network projections. There is, we are told, bi-partisan concern that when the networks project a winner, supporters of the loser cancel their plans to vote as the news ripples across the time zones.

Therefore, the projection becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

This brings up the question -- can a person of voting age be expected to resist this insidious media influence? Remember that e-mail that went around just before the election? There was an e-mail that went around saying that because of the OVERWHELMING turnout expected on election day, Republicans would vote Tuesday and Democrats Wednesday. Now suppose someone believed the e-mail and waited 'til Wednesday. Would that be the fault of the e-mail, or the fault of teh person who BELIEVED it?

It's a thorny question, because these same Congressman who are so worried about the deterrent effect of election coverage seem to have no problem with the deterrent effect of their own campaign ads which by November have us thinking that everyone running for public office is scuzz.

I JUST don't know. So I would like to hear from media victims. 

I would like to hear from anyone who was planning to vote, who was on their WAY to the polling place, who was standing in LINE AT the polling place, but who, when they heard the projections that the election was going one way or the other, changed their plans, turned around, left the line, and decided not to vote.

You may e-mail your testimony to dave@daveross.com.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS EXIT POLLING 2
Moved: 11/17/2000 9:57
CBS-EXIT POLLING 2 11/17/2000

The flesh is weak. This is DR...

There are reports that in Florida alone, about 10,000 people decided NOT to vote because of the early projection that Gore would win the state. That's one of the reasons that members of Congress want the networks to stop projecting races - because it discourages voting. And yet -- when I ask this question on the air, I rarely get a call from anyone who says, Yes Dave -- I heard the projection, so I turned around and went home.

See, I have a feeling this is used as an excuse by people who NEVER intended to vote, but now regret sitting out what turned out to be a very close election.

They're suffering dropout remorse. They know that if they HAD stuck in there, their vote might have made the difference. And their decision to sit it out now looks so foolish, they need to blame it on someone, and since TV gets blamed for everything anyway, they blame it on TV.

I think that if TV is THAT powerful -- that it can actually FORCE people to give up 
their constitutional rights, it ought to be controlled as a mind altering substance.

The problem with the argument is, of course, that projections are just projections as we now know. And even if you somehow THOUGHT projections were facts, anyone who paid attention in the 7th grade knows that the networks don't pick the President.

And number two, even assuming the networks COULD pick the president, we know that people are willing to wait in line for all sorts of events whose outcome is predictable. People waited in line for Titanic -- they knew the ending. Look at all the people who bought METS tickets!

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS EXIT POLLING 1
Moved: 11/17/2000 9:57
CBS-EXIT POLLING2 11/16/2000

The evil among us. This is DR...

Republicans in the House of Representatives have accused the television networks of being biased toward Vice President Al Gore in their election-night projections, and they're going to get to the bottom of it.

It's not only the messed up Florida projection that has them angry, but the overall impression of the coverage. Because the crucial Gore states like Michigan and Pennsylvania went BLUE so early in the evening, it gave the IMPRESSION, the Republicans say, that Gore was coasting to victory. And the effect was not only to turn people away from the polls, but to make Bush campaign workers give up.

So Rep. Billy Tauzin plans to hold hearings and take testimony.

Interesting concept, I think: that if a campaign worker quits or a voter leaves the polls because of a news report -- it's the fault of the news report. 

Ought to be some interesting testimony.

For example, the Republicans cited one report that FIRST projection from Florida -- that Gore would win -- may have caused 10,000 Republicans in Western Florida NOT to vote. So I assume we will have witnesses who will sit before the microphone and say the following under oath:

I was on my way to vote, but when I heard the network projection, I was helpless to continue. I turned around and went home -- my body possessed by an irresistible tractor beam emanating from Dan Rather's eyes which left me literally paralyzed until the polls had closed and it was too late!"

Yes it should be some compelling testimony. I imagine that's the same tractor beam that compels people to watch all the sex and violence they say they hate.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CONFUSION
Moved: 11/17/2000 9:57
CBS-CONFUSION 11/17/2000

Ending the confusion. This is DR.

Let me spell it out for you. Yesterday the legal question was this:

If there's bad chad that doesn't cover the whole hole, can it be hand-scanned? That's what the Florida Supreme Court had to decide yesterday, and its decision was YES, you can hand-scan the bad chad, and so the hand counts in Florida resumed.

Today the legal question was this:

If the bad chad that doesn't cover the whole hole IS hand-scanned, MUST the recount count?

And today Leon County Judge Terry Lewis said no, the recount does NOT have to count. His ruling says that Secretary of State Katherine Harris was within her rights when she said she plans to ignore any hand-scanned recounts.

So this means that: hand-scanned bad chad that doesn't cover the whole hole CAN be counted, but doesn't count.

It also means that, depending on the outcome of the recount that doesn't count, whoever becomes the official president elect may not ACTUALLY have been elected.

But that's OK, because, under the winner-take-all electoral college system, the person who the people elect doesn't have to be the person the electors elect.

SO if you have found this story frustrating and confusing, I think the reason for the confusion can be summarized as follows:

Because the ballots were hand-scanned, the bad chad that didn't cover the whole hole could be legally re-counted provided the recount didn't count. And because the recount doesn't count, the person the people didn't elect will be elected by the electors.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS AIRLINES
Moved: 11/16/2000 10:09
CBS-AIRLINES 11/16/2000

Why do they hate us? This is DR... 

Here's a headline you want to read a week before Thanksgiving:

"Airline workers could target holidays."

United's Association of Flight Attendants will hand out leaflets to inform passengers of a campaign designed to bring random flight cancellations without warning. It's called Create Havoc Around Our System, or CHAOS -- just in case you didn't get the point.

On behalf of my fellow travelers -- I ask, why do you flight attendants hate us? What have we ever done to you? If you have a gripe with your company, find out what flight the CEO is taking and spill tomato juice on him.

But to take it out on the REST of us? All right, a few of us try to get away with too much luggage. But for myself, I now just MAIL my clothes ahead. I walk on the plane with one change of underwear in a Baggie. All for you.

Yes, I've HEARD about the passengers who try to rush the cockpit, try to commandeer the cocktail cart, but most of that stuff happens up in First Class. The only time most of US get close to the cocktail cart is when its blocking the AFT lavatory.

Most of us ask for nothing. We don't touch the call button, we don't "complain because our special vegan dessert came late" -- all we want is a pair of working headphones, and for the plane to take off the same day, all right?

If you're thinking of causing CHAOS, try to keep in mind that we passengers have just endured a year of campaign ads, entrance polls, exit polls, only to find out NOW that a bunch of our votes didn't count. 

We want to get home for Christmas, we are TRYING to behave, but we're RIGHT AT THE EDGE. Thank you.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS RECOUNT
Moved: 11/16/2000 10:09
CBS-RECOUNT2 11/16/2000

The world is changing! This is DR...

There are still more court cases underway than the human mind can comprehend, but the issue boils down to this. I've put it in an easy to remember form:

If there's bad chad that doesn't cover the whole hole, must it be hand scanned?

But HERE's what's remarkable -- how quickly the government can work when it wants to! We've seen canvassing boards convening in tents outdoors, organizing huge recounts in a matter of hours... in fact, the local elections officials would probably have had the recounts DONE by now, except that ANOTHER government entity has been operating even FASTER. The COURTS.

Apparently you can walk into a courtroom, mention the word "Election" and they see you right away! Same day service, in some cases.

Even the US Court of Appeals in Atlanta! George W asks for a ruling, and BINGO! Not just a three-judge panel -- all 12 judges ready to jump into their boots and slide down the pole!

Maybe we are witnessing a sea change in America. Maybe the next time the lines get too long at the drivers license bureau, just like the recount, state officials will call in platoons of volunteers to handle the overflow quickly, efficiently and accurately instead of handing you a number and making you wait.

And maybe the courts are changing too! Maybe judges will look to the Florida example, and be just as fast when YOU want YOUR lawsuit heard! Maybe instead of making you come back in a month or a year, they'll say, "Thank you for choosing our court! We know you have your choice of courts and we stand ready to fill all your legal needs!"

Ha! Ha! ha! ha!

Oh, how I amuse myself sometimes!

Now this!

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CONSTITUTION 11/09/2
Moved: 11/16/2000 6:26
CBS-CONSTITUTION 11/09/2000

Is there a Constitutional crisis? This is DR....

No. There's no Constitutional crisis because as far as the Constitution is concerned, there would be no president-elect right now even IF the vote was clear.

The electors don't meet to cast their votes until December 18th. So suppose the vote in Florida is still up in the air on December 18th.

Well, to cast their votes, the electors must have what are called "Certificates of Ascertainment" which are issued "as soon as the election results are final."

If the results are not final in Florida, the electors get no certificates of ascertainment, and they get no vote. Does that throw the electoral college into turmoil? 

Here's what the 12th Amendment says:

"The person having the greatest number of votes for President, shall be the President, if such number be a majority of the whole number of Electors appointed.

Well, if a state doesn't appoint electors, then they would not be included in the majority.

Al Gore wins.

HOWEVER: there are ALSO close votes in New Mexico (5), Oregon (7), Iowa(7), and Wisconsin (11), states where AL GORE is ahead. That's 30 electoral votes. If THOSE votes were taken off the table, then BUSH would win.

So there is no Constitutional crisis. Now suppose there are challenges is EVERY state, and nobody sends electors.

But the Constitution covers that as well.

If there is no qualifying President or Vice President by January 20th, under the 20th Amendment, Congress can pick a caretaker president -- someone neutral, who would occupy the office, and sign things from time to time, until everything is settled.

Bill Clinton's probably available.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS EXIT POLLS
Moved: 11/16/2000 6:26
CBS-EXIT POLLS

Exit the exit poll? This is DR...

In addition to everything else, the 2000 election has made everyone angry at the exit polls. The west coast has been upset about this for years because typically the networks call the election accurately before the west coast finishes voting. 

This year -- everybody's mad because they DIDN'T call the election accurately.

Personally I think it's great. Everybody now realizes that the networks all use the name exit polling service, so that when one calls a race, they all do. Now we all know that what we THOUGHT were four or five independent calls were in fact just one call and four or five echoes.

We also now know that anybody who changes his vote or decides NOT to vote because of an exit poll risks feeling like an idiot the next morning.

So should these polls be prohibited by law, as some have proposed. Should Congress pass a law saying that to preserve the integrity of the election process, Networks shall be prohibited from reporting the results of their exit polls until the ballots are actually counted.

Oh, come on! How HELPLESS have we become.

We're all watching FAR too much TV.

This much I am sure of: Just because an exit poll is released doesn't mean you have to pay attention to it. There can be exit polls showing everybody but YOU voted the other way for president -- and there is still NOTHING stopping you from voting as you wish. Unless the holes confuse you.

If you decide not to vote, or to change your vote because of an exit poll -- who's to blame? The exit pollers? The network? Philo Farnsworth for inventing the picture tube?

Now this.

This is Dave Ross... 
Index 

CBS CLINTON MAKES PEACE
Moved: 11/16/2000 6:25
CBS-CLINTON MAKES PEACE 11/10/2000

Blessed are the peacemakers. This is DR...

Part one of the elaborate coin flip is over, and it's Bush by 327 votes. But wait, it's not over yet. There are more absentees to be counted; some ballots will be recounted by hand, lawsuits have been filed. Fidel Castro offered to send observers to monitor any new election in Florida. Make sure they can pitch, Fidel.

Do the campaigns realize that claiming victory NOW is embarrassing us? Cool down. Quit holding press conferences.

BOTH of the candidates now have more popular votes than Bill Clinton got EITHER of the two times he ran. So whoever is finally chosen, will clearly deserve the job.

And actually - this may be Bill Clinton's moment: his big chance to find a legacy.

Instead of trying to establish peace in some foreign country, establish peace in Florida.

Bill Clinton could go to his vice President, could go to Jesse Jackson, and tell them to BACK OFF. He could point out that there was obviously no conspiracy in the ballot design -- since it was designed by Democrats. He could point out that there is nothing new about ballots being disqualified for having too many holes punched. He could say that he understands how painful it is to lose a close election, but that, as the leader of his party, he wants his people to abide by the final count, whatever it is.

Yes, it might mean giving the Presidency to George W Bush. But it would bring peace. And -- if the economic expansion loses steam, as it well might ... it might be better to hold out for the REAL recount. The one scheduled for 2004.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS VOTING
Moved: 11/16/2000 6:25
CBS-VOTING

Voting is suddenly cool again. This is Dave Ross...

According to reports from a certain high school student in our family, the election is all anyone talks about. Not just in history class -- but in the French class. In the band room -- suddenly there's a reason to turn 18 besides cigarettes -- which they can already get anyway.

And overnight, conventional wisdom has changed. Before November 7th, it was, "Oh, who cares, your vote doesn't count, why bother..." And today, we are staring at the number 327.

It's 327 votes in Florida, but it could have been 327 votes anywhere! You don't know. And like the lottery, you can't win if you don't play -- which brings up another point.

In some of the states in this great country, the voting technology stinks.

The lottery has better technology than the county auditor. The grocery checkout has better technology. There is more technology making sure that you deserve the twenty bucks you withdraw from the ATM than in making sure that you cast an accurate vote. 

The bank makes you use a card, a PIN number, they have a camera on you the whole time, the screen asks you "ARE YOU SURE?", and you get a receipt -- all to make sure those twenty bucks don't go to the wrong guy.

Then you vote for president -- and you have NO way of knowing whether you voted for the wrong guy.

That's nuts! When you vote, you should get a confidential receipt that has your name, the date, the time, the candidates you voted for, and in big red letters at the bottom, "Are you sure you meant to vote for Pat Buchanan."

And only then should the ballot be deposited.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ELECTION2
Moved: 11/16/2000 6:25
CBS-ELECTION2 11/08/2000

Americans send a message. This is DR....

I have before me the demographic breakout of the election. 14 pages of exit polls breaking down the vote by race, sex, age, education.

This is what we must use to discern the message that the American people are sending.

For example -- Most men like Bush, most women prefer Gore.

Most white people like Bush, almost ALL black people like Gore.

The vast majority of Gays and Lesbians like Gore, while among straight people it's half and half.

Most people with a gun in the house like Bush, people who don't have a gun in the house like Gore. Let me just interject here that with the election over, Gore people in high crime neighborhoods might want to just go ahead and put up a Bush yard sign.

On Religion: Protestants and people who go to church a lot went for Bush, Jews and people who never go to Church went heavily for Gore.

Gore won on the issues, on caring for people and on experience, Bush won on honesty, likability and leadership.

Here's one: 55% of voters said they had reservations about their vote. Of those with reservations, 51% voted for Bush, 46% voted Gore. So you could say the election is being decided by people who, as they stood in the voting booth, worried that they were making a mistake but by a slight margin they would rather have Bush become president by mistake than have Gore be president by mistake.

So there it is. The voters have spoken! Americans have sent a message. And the message is, we can't make up our minds; ask us again in four years.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS PROJECTIONS
Moved: 11/15/2000 8:40
CBS-PROJECTIONS 11/15/2000

Now comes the exit poll recount. This is DR...

The networks still smarting over their election night calls. C-B-S has now appointed a three-member panel to find out why they and everybody else incorrectly called Florida. I guess they will check their exit polls for pregnant chad.

CBS is doing this because network executives want to be able to reassure the public that such a thing will never happen again. They want to be able to say they will call no state... before its time.

Therefore, they want to find out: was the data wrong? Was the formula wrong? Did people the sampled fill out their ballots and then just LIE to the exit pollers. Or in the case of Palm Beach County, did they tell the truth to the exit pollers, and lie on their BALLOTS?

We may never know. I certainly hope they find out, because then we can all talk about it some more.

But we DO know this: if CBS executives are feeling somehow RESPONSIBLE for the turmoil that has rippled across this great nation, they can relax. 

It turns out that despite eight days of unremitting uncertainty, despite the agony of not knowing WHICH Florida statues apply to pregnant chad -- those of us out who must spend our unimportant lives far from the media's halls of power have gotten along just fine.

Personally, I think a pregnant chad CLEARLY shows a voter has consummated his relationship with the ballot -- but in any case, I can say that except for the effect on dinner table discussions, not knowing who the next president will be has only made us realize that next election, we can afford to go to bed early.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS COVERUP 11/15/2000
Moved: 11/15/2000 8:40
CBS-COVERUP 11/15/2000

The story is now beginning to change. This is DR....

The story is beginning to change -- from how do we FIND the truth -- to how do we legally cover it up. The recount in Florida has finally come down to Palm Beach County, which decided to recount its ballots by hand because the machines may have screwed up.

But the Secretary of State says that the ballots cannot be counted by hand unless she finds there is a good reason to count them by hand.

Palm Beach county officials think they have a pretty GOOD reason -- to find out how people actually voted.

But the best legal minds at this point have concluded that to go ahead with a manual recount would be ILLEGAL. Therefore the county is prohibited BY LAW from finding out how people actually voted. 

So add that to all the things we've learned in the past week: we already know that if a county MISSES the vote reporting deadline, its votes might not be counted at all, PLUS we know it is very easy for a voter to leave the booth THINKING he voted, when in fact, he punched the wrong holes.

It confronts us with a novel concept: that while the LAW vigorously protects your right to vote, there is nothing that REQUIRES your vote to actually be COUNTED! The only recount required by law is a recount BY THE VERY SAME MACHINES that may have screwed up the first time.

Very confusing. But I know this much. Once the results are official, Florida had better SHRED THOSE BALLOTS -- before journalists or historians SUE to preserve them.

Because those ballots contain a secret more dangerous than nuclear design data or proof of aliens: the secret of who actually won the 2000 election.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BLAME FLORIDA
Moved: 11/14/2000 8:21
BLAMEFLO.SNG 11/13/00 11:45 PM-DLR 0:59 

This is Dave Ross, on the CBS Radio Network. (MUSIC START) 

[We've explored every possible angle on this election story, and there's only one left: A cheap parody.]

It's the parents of South Park -- and they're on the warpath again!

(BLAME FLORIDA)

--------------------------------

Life was calm
As normal as could be
They held a big election and they put it on TV.

We watched the final votes come in and everything was fine
Except for the state that couldn't make up its mind.

Blame Florida
Blame Florida

And if we had half a brain,
We would give it back to Spain.

Blame Florida
Blame Florida

That's what happens when you make a state with sand.

Other states 
Avoided this mistake
They use a kind of ballot that is really hard to break.

Floridians can tie their shoes, and even zip their pants
But punching a hole is apparently too advanced!

Blame Florida
Blame Florida

Ever since election day 
The Cubans float the other way

Blame Florida
Blame Florida

That's why Elian is never coming back.

We've blamed the exit pollers
We've blamed the candidates
We've blamed the constitution
But frankly it's too late.
And if the founding fathers
Were still around today
I think I know exactly what they'd say.

Blame Florida / Blame Florida

If only Ponce de Leon
Had just amused himself at home

Blame Florida / Blame Florida

(Well, maybe that's unfair... ) After all it's full of people...from New York.

~C:\WORKS\FILES\BLAMEFLO.SNG 
Index 

CBS POSTAL
Moved: 11/14/2000 8:21
CBS-POSTAL 11/14/2000

While you were sleeping. This is DR...

What can we tell you today? You don't want to hear anymore about Florida, about recounts, good chads and bad chads, injunctions, demonstrations.

You certainly don't want to hear about New Mexico which was first called for Gore, then tipped to Bush, and now has tipped to Gore again.

You certainly don't want anymore news conferences by the dueling former secretaries of state, James Baker and Warren Christopher, who are visiting our planet from some bizarre time warp.

So let me just point this out to you. While America's attention has been focused on "chad", the Postal Rate Commission has been focused on raising the price of a first class stamp to 34 cents. I suppose it isn't THAT big a deal, but it DOES reflect a fundamental imbalance in nature.

You see, there have been countless hours spent covering the story of who will squeak into the White House -- a question whose practical effect on most of us is frankly zero. He won't be able to change the tax code, social security, prescription drugs benefits or even the drapes in the Oval office right away, if EVER. Even his Supreme Court justices are very likely to end up thinking for themselves. The next president, whoever he is, is not going to rock the boat, because he knows that all he has to do is tick off about 388 people and he's gone.

And meantime the Postal Rate Commission recommends raising the price of a stamp -- in part, according to critics, to help cover the costs of its new electronic bill payment services. And I get nary an e-mail about it.

Yes, there's at least one federal agency that knows exactly who's in charge.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS REVOTE TRIBE
Moved: 11/13/2000 10:03
CBS-REVOTE-TRIBE 11/13/2000

A corrective election. This is DR....

Constitutional scholar Laurence Tribe has suggested that courts order a re-vote in Palm Beach County.

He knows it could not perfectly replicate the conditions on Election Day. But to make it as close as possible, he would limit it to people who voted the first time around -- AND he would require that those voters submit sworn affidavits that they will vote for whichever candidate they had intended to vote for on Election Day.

So voters would swear to vote EXACTLY as they did. They would swear not to consider at all that their vote will determine the next president of the United States. They will simply vote the way they did forgetting completely that their vote is the most crucial one they will ever cast.

But what if someone can't quite remember how they voted? Especially Nader voters who might have a great DEAL of trouble remembering how they voted?

Professor Tribe would compensate for that by using the new votes to correct only the totals for Gore and Buchanan, since that's where the confusion was. Votes for Bush and Nader would remain unchanged.

Well, given that poll officials can't even agree on how to define what a hole is, would anyone understand this?

It just gets too complicated. 

Let me take another stab at this. Since Florida clearly cannot decide who it wants as President, leave the state undecided for four years, and let Al Gore be president of the other 49 states. Florida's star in the flag would become an undecided shade of gray, and all presidential orders would be run past Jeb Bush first. Then we can all get along.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS REVOTE TRIBE
Moved: 11/13/2000 8:55
CBS-REVOTE-TRIBE 11/13/2000

A corrective election. This is DR....

Constitutional scholar Lawrence Tribe has suggested that courts order a re-vote in Palm Beach County.

He knows it could not perfectly replicate the conditions on Election Day. But to make it as close as possible, he would limit it to people who voted the first time around -- AND he would require that those voters submit sworn affidavits that they will vote for whichever candidate they had intended to vote for on Election Day.

So voters would swear to vote EXACTLY as they did. They would swear not to consider at all that their vote will determine the next president of the United States. They will simply vote the way they did forgetting completely that their vote is the most crucial one they will ever cast.

But what if someone can't quite remember how they voted? Especially Nader voters who might have a great DEAL of trouble remembering how they voted?

Professor Tribe would compensate for that by using the new votes to correct only the totals for Gore and Buchanan, since that's where the confusion was. Votes for Bush and Nader would remain unchanged.

Well, given that poll officials can't even agree on how to define what a hole is, would anyone understand this?

It just gets too complicated. 

Let me take another stab at this. Since Florida clearly cannot decide who it wants as President, leave the state undecided for four years, and let Al Gore be president of the other 49 states. Florida's star in the flag would become an undecided shade of gray, and all presidential orders would be run past Jeb Bush first. Then we can all get along.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ELECTION MON
Moved: 11/13/2000 8:55
CBS-ELECTION-MON

Chad chad chad! This is DR...

Look at what the issue of chad has done to this great nation. Now the Republicans, the party of local control, are trying to argue that a county doesn't have the right to check for chad by hand.

In the meantime, the Florida Secretary of State says if you plan to check the chad by hand, it had better be done by tomorrow. Which guarantees that whatever chad-checking is done will be rush jobs by people sitting up all night trying to remember the difference between a hanging chad and a swinging chad.

Chad chad chad! 

The Presidency of the United States now depends on tiny subatomic voting particles called chad. And there isn't only ONE kind of chad -- there's hanging chad, swinging chad, pregnant chad, good chad, bad chad.

And so now we have to argue over not only what defines a vote, but what defines a chad! Is a chad truly a chad if a machine faced with bad chad can't read the whole hole?

Somebody has got to take a stand on chad. I say the answer is clear. There is only one way to be completely fair.

This hanging and swinging chad stuff is nonsense. I say, a chad has four corners; therefore each corner of the chad counts for 25% of a vote.

If a voter only liked a candidate enough to punch out PART of his chad, why should that count the same as the voters who liked a candidate so much that by golly they punched the WHOLE chad? This may not be perfect, but we'd better do something or we're going to wake up one morning to find that the president of the United States was chosen by millions of swinging chads.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS RECOUNT
Moved: 11/10/2000 6:39
CBS-RECOUNT 11/08/2000

The presidency is in the hands of the ladies of Century Village. This is Dave Ross...

There they were on TV -- the ladies of Century Village in Palm Beach County Florida, telling the world that there's no way that many of them could have voted for Pat Buchanan.

They meant to vote for Al Gore, and they're ready to testify that they were denied their voice by a ballot that only a brain surgeon could have figured out.

The population of Century Village is 8,363. All of them are voting age. Therefore, with less than 1000 votes separating the winner frm the loser, it means the direction of American History rests in the hands of the voters of Century Village.

The lawsuits have already been filed. Plus the governor of Florida is the brother of one of the candidates, the other candidate is part of the administration which ultimately enforces civil rights laws... this could make Florida look like the Third World Republic of BocaBocaHassee -- but there is an easier way.

One final debate.

This whole election hinged on issues affecting old people. The death tax, Prescription drugs, social security.

Hold one last debate, and hold it in Century Village

91.7% of the residents are over 65.

They have a 1250 seat auditorium... let the candidates debate one more time, one hour.

Then everybody votes ON TV, Survivor style.

In an election that was all about whose been scarng Grandma, it's only right that grandma decide.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS RECOUNT2
Moved: 11/10/2000 6:39
CBS-RECOUNT2 11/09/2000

Now we get a taste of what it's like in those other countries. This is DR...

I expect if this goes on much longer Haiti will offer to send a nation-building battalion to Palm Beach.

Allegations abound. There are people who were turned away from the polls. Some blacks allege they were intimidated by a routine state police checkpoint a little over a mile from their polling place. There are the older voters who realized to their horror they'd voted for Buchanan.

So let's take a deep breath. Say you had 30,000 messed up ballots in all. Objectively speaking, losing 30,000 votes out of 5.9 million votes cast -- is like having $100 in your wallet and losing 50 cents in someones' couch.

Not a big deal. 

But this is not just about counting votes. This is about legitimacy.

The purpose of an election is NOT really to elect the best person. It is to elect a person that everybody agrees won fair and square. The purpose of an election is to get the losers to give up peacefully.

And so -- we are about to see which candidate really has the character they both spent all those billions to promote.

This is the REAL test of character.

Will there be public sniping, or will they let the process play out. Will they be petty, or will they be magnanimous. Did they seek the office for the good of the nation, or for their own good.

Will they set an example that will make Americans proud, or ashamed.

After all the pious talk -- we may finally find out who really meant it.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ELECTION 11/08/2000
Moved: 11/8/2000 8:40
CBS-ELECTION 11/08/2000
[revised]

The accidental president. This is DR...

The only thing we know is this. The winner for smartest man in America -- Joe Liberman, The only guy who hedged his bet.

The winner for stupidest prson in America? A tie among Florida exit pollers.

Suddenly, nobody's talking about whether the deciding factor was the economy, prescription drugs, the kiss, the smirk --

It's whether the ballot holes on the Florida ballot were too close to each other - so that people who thought they were voting for Gore actually voted for Buchanan. There are complaints that the sample ballots handed out by volunteers in Florida had the candidates listed in a different order than they were on the actual ballot -- a crisis, because it means that people had to actually PAY ATTENTION TO THEIR BALLOTS if they wanted to vote correctly.

In other words, it is so close that whoever wins -- wins by accident.

It also means that the next President, while he may be President of the United States, will primarily be the President of Florida. Because he will owe his presidency to a few hundred Floridians. And unless those people step forward and tell everyone who they are, he will have to pander to the whole state just to make sure they're happy.

Which measn THIS is the time to be living in Florida. Florida will get federal highways, federal farm subsidies... federal SKI LIFTS... 

You'll see "I picked the president" bumper stickers from Jacksonville to Key West. 

And I have a feeling in a couple of years, about half the American electorate will ALSO have bumper stickers saying "BLAME FLORIDA."

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ELECTION2 11/08/200
Moved: 11/8/2000 8:40
CBS-ELECTION2 11/08/2000
[revised]

Americans send a message. This is DR....

I have before me the demographic breakout of the election. 14 pages of exit polls breaking down the vote by race, sex, age, education.

This is what we must use to discern the message that the American people are sending.

For example -- Most men like Bush, most women prefer Gore.

Most white people like Bush, almost ALL black people like Gore.

The vast majority of Gays and Lesbians like Gore, while among straight people it's half and half.

Most people with a gun in the house like Bush, people who don't have a gun in the house like Gore. Let me just interject here that with the election over, Gore people in high crime neighborhoods might want to just go ahead and put up a Bush yard sign.

On Religion: Protestants and people who go to church a lot went for Bush, Jews and people who never go to Church went heavily for Gore.

Gore won on the issues, on caring for people and on experience, Bush won on honesty, likability and leadership.

Here's one: 55% of voters said they had reservations about their vote. Of those with reservations, 51% voted for Bush, 46% voted Gore. So voters were saying that if they were going to make a mistake, they would rather have Bush become president by mistake than have Gore be president by mistake.

And finally, there's the real possibility of the popular vote saying one thing and the electoral college saying another.

So there it is. The voters have spoken! Americans have sent a message. And the message is, we can't make up our minds; ask us again in four years.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS LAST MINUTE
Moved: 11/6/2000 13:14
CBS-LAST MINUTE 11/06/2000

The day of reckoning is at hand! This is DR...

This is it people! We are in the last day, and Armageddon is upon us.

The presidential candidates are in every state today, where they will meet every undecided voter to serve them a hot meal.

At campaign headquarters, giant computers, working on behalf of politicians who consider your privacy sacred, are busy dialing every telephone in America with recorded calls from Charlton Heston, Norman Schwartzkopf, Barbara Bush, Ed Asner. The good part is that NONE of them want to reface your cabinets.

But you will not be able to pay attention to them because your brains are packed full of sound bites promising to save social security, modernize social security, keep government small, make drugs free, raise military pay, lower taxes, raise refunds; support education transportation medication hibernation, and fight against prevarication, glaciation and sexual relations

Pollsters are now surveying voters every sixty seconds to detect any last minute changes -- and after careful analysis, they've determined that Florida is critical, Michigan is critical, Oregon is critical, Guam is critical, the West coast is critical, the East coast is critical, AND the Heartland? Critical.

Investigative reporters have discovered police records showing that at the age of nine, George W Bush was pulled over for driving erratically with baseball cards in his bike spokes.

And the final spending totals will show that all combined, the political races this year have cost five billion dollars, about what America spends on laundry detergent. Which reminds me! Call Proctor and gamble -- tell them to stop scaring people about body odor!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS UNDECIDED
Moved: 11/6/2000 13:13
CBS-UNDECIDED 11/06/2000

Make up your minds! This is DR...

The latest polls show there are still undecided voters. I'm not sure exactly what they're waiting for -- one more speech? One more late night TV appearance? Another brochure? Another recorded phone call from Norman Schwartzkopf? 

All that's left is this: in case it helps, I have scoured the internet for original campaign songs. These are the two best mp3's I could find:

(MUSIC)

Here it is, from Ray Soular, with full orchestra, the Bush Cheney Victory Song:

TAPE: "elect Bush and Cheney"

I wish we had more time for the big chorus... but we now move on to a group called "Spirit of America and the Al Gore Victory Song:

TAPE: One chorus -- "Al Gore, Al Gore 

I wish we could stay for the big guitar solo, but frankly, if you can't make up your mind after that, I think you're going to have to wait until the next election.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS POLITICAL ADS
Moved: 11/6/2000 13:00
CBS-POLITICAL ADS

God help me, I love it so. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. It's the most entertaining programming on the air!

(SONG-POLITICAL ADS) 
Index 

CBS FAIR TAXES
Moved: 11/3/2000 8:36
CBS-FAIR TAXES 11/02/2000

Making taxes fair. This is DR.

That's one of the biggest issues in the election. What's a FAIR tax?

For the Republicans a fair tax means lowering the rates for everybody, no more death tax, no gift tax, so that if your parents are rich, then eventually you will be too.

For the Democrats, fair taxation means targeting tax cuts to people who they consider particularly needy -- parents who are strapped for tuition, or middle income people who would like to see more money in their 401Ks.

But you know what's REALLY unfair about the tax system? 

It allows employers to lie.

It happens to all of us. You get a job, you agree on a wage, let's say it's $40,000 a year hour -- and you think to yourself, hey! I'm making $40,000 a year.

And then you get your paycheck. And you say, this can't be right! I'm only getting $35,000 a year. This begins with the first job you get as a teenager -- they promise to pay you $7 an hour, but the check NEVER says that. Taxpayer resentment starts in adolescence.

It's like the lottery. The ads say the prize is 30 million? They never tell you: #1 that's over 20 years, and #2: it's before taxes. Lottery ads are lies. And so are salaries.

There need be only one tax reform. Really simple. The Paycheck TRUTH Act. When you negotiate a wage, they have to tell you what will ACTUALLY BE ON YOUR CHECK. When a job is advertised --- THAT'S the figure they publish: what you will ACTUALLY GET when you take the check to the teller window.

THEN you can make an INFORMED decision. Which, I have a feeling, is exactly why it will never happen.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS THANK YOU BILL
Moved: 11/3/2000 8:36
CBS-THANK YOU BILL 11/03/2000

Thank you Bill Clinton. This is DR...

Bill Clinton is out of the box, campaigning again. He was on national radio saying that voting for Al Gore is the next best thing to four more years of himself. He was in Esquire magazine with the first of what will be many valedictories, pointing to the accomplishments of the last eight years.

He knows that he can stand up in front of a crowd, ask them are you better off now that you were eight years ago, and most people -- ESPECIALLY Republicans -- would probably have to answer yes.

There are many people who --- if they are honest, regardless of what they think of him -- have good reasons to say Thank you, Bill Clinton.

Look at the current campaign and the way the debate has been framed:

The issue now is not whether to continue social security, or whether to continue medicare, or whether to pay for prescription drugs -- but HOW. Old people can say Thank you Bill Clinton. Unemployment remains low. Working people can say Thank you, Bill Clinton. The stock market remains high. Rich people can say Thank you, Bill Clinton.

But there is one man who perhaps more than any other citizen of this great nation has a reason to be thankful to Bill Clinton. He is the man who has now acknowledged that 24 years ago he was stopped and taken to the police station, where he registered a .10 after too many beers.

He more than anyone else should take a moment out of his busy schedule, wherever he is, turn toward the White House, and whisper, ever so softly, Thank You, Bill Clinton.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS DRUNK DRIVING
Moved: 11/3/2000 8:35
CBS-DRUNK DRIVING

So now we know. This is DR...

From the beginning of the campaign, George W Bush would only say "I've made mistakes in the past." There was a lot of initial speculation about WHAT mistakes, and how FAR in the past they were: 

We learned that at the age of NINE, he once tried to hit his Daddy during in argument, but George Sr. was able to hold him off. We learned that in 1972 his father arranged for him to do community service after he drove drunk with his younger brother Marvin in the car.

There were whisperings that perhaps he had ingested illegal substances. And yet the worst anyone could dig up on him was a charge of "ingesting a legal subsidy" when he got taxpayers to help pay for his ball park.

His shady stock transactions barely caused a ripple; even Larry Flynt's efforts have led only to rumors.

But now we know: Here's what he's been covering up all those years.

-- That in 1976 a cop in Maine saw him meander onto the shoulder as he drove from a bar. He'd had one too many beers. He blew a .10 at the police station. Covered it up so as not to undermine the example he was setting for his daughters.

Will it change the nation's opinion of Mr. Bush? Well, let's look at the coverage. On page A-16 in my newspaper. The big question being raised today is not -- "why didn't he say anything earlier" but rather -- "did Democratic operatives plant the story?"

DID the Democrats plant the story? Ha! If they did, they screwed up because they planted it way back on page A-16. Alas, when it comes to scandal, the Democrats know better than anyone that the bar has been forever raised.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS PLEDGE
Moved: 11/2/2000 8:12
CBS-PLEDGE 11/02/2000

Taking the pledge. This is DR...

Dateline CHICAGO -- The Chicago City Council voted Wednesday to recite the Pledge of Allegiance before every council meeting, despite opposition from some black members.

Opponents said the nation's history of racial discrimination made the pledge ring hollow, particularly the phrase, ``liberty and justice for all.''

Here we are again -- debating the Pledge of Allegiance. Is it patriotic? Is it hypocritical? Is it a tyrannical attempt at conformity...

Here's what we need to do. We need to have some university study whether the pledge actually does any good. Do city council meetings that begin with the pledge rest in better use of tax money, more coherent debates, better public policy? Let's find out.

Because if it DOESN'T help, its a waste of time. And if it DOES work -- maybe they should say it twice. Throw in the bill of rights! Recite the Gettysburg address. Whatever works.

But here's something I think WOULD work. I think every policy-making body, from the city council on up to the US Congress should start their meetings not with the pledge, or a prayer -- they should start each meeting by reciting the names of ten taxpayers and the number of hours each of them had to work to pay their taxes. 

And if there is any pledge it ought to be a pledge like this.

"I pledge allegiance to these ten taxpayers, who actually provided the money that we are about to spend. I pledge to spend their money as if it were my own, and I pledge that the moment I forget that, I will get the hell out of office."

Then you can salute the flag if you want.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS PLEDGE
Moved: 11/2/2000 8:01
CBS-PLEDGE 11/02/2000

Taking the pledge. This is DR...

Dateline CHICAGO -- The Chicago City Council voted Wednesday to recite the Pledge of Allegiance before every council meeting, despite opposition from some black members.

Opponents said the nation's history of racial discrimination made the pledge ring hollow, particularly the phrase, ``liberty and justice for all.''

Here we are again -- debating the Pledge of Allegiance. Is it patriotic? Is it hypocritical? Is it a tyrannical attempt at conformity...

Here's what we need to do. We need to have some university study whether the pledge actually does any good. Do city council meetings that begin with the pledge reslt in better use of tax money, more coherent debates, better public policy? Let's find out.

Because if it DOESN'T help, its a waste of time. And if it DOES work -- maybe they should say it twice. Throw in the bill of rights! Recite the Gettysburg address. Whatever works.

But here's something I think WOULD work. I think every policy-making body, from the city council on up to the US Congress should start their meetings not with a the pledge, or a prayer -- they should start each meeting by reciting the names of ten taxpayers and the number of hours each of them had to work to pay their taxes. 

And if there is any pledge it ought to be a pledge like this.

"I pledge allegiance to these ten taxpayers, who actually provided the money that we are about to spend. I pledge to spend their money as if it were my own, and I pledge that the moment I forget that, I will get the hell out of office."

Then you can salute the flag if you want.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS BATTLEGROUND
Moved: 11/2/2000 8:01
CBS-BATTLEGROUND 11/02/2000

Lock your doors Americans. This DR...

Five days to go and we are surrounded by evil. It's a crime wave. But thank goodness the patriotic people who run the political parties and interest groups have spared no expense to warn us. It's easy to slam negative ads, but without them, we would be blissfully ignorant of the crime wave of treason and murder perpetrated by our politicians.

There's the ad from the NAACP ad that re-enacts the James Byrd dragging death in Texas with stop-action photos and ominous music, while the voice of Byrd's daughter informs us that when George W Bush refused to sign a hate crimes bill it was like her father was killed all over again. And if that's the case, I can only imagine the effect of running that graphic ad over and over again.

Then there's the Democrats who are ringing up Michigan voters with phone calls from a woman named Ann Friday whose says the reason her husband died a terrible death in a Texas nursing home was that George W Bush signed legislation weakening nursing home standards.

The Republicans have been helpful too -- without those phone calls from the Republicans, we wouldn't know, for example, that Hillary Clinton is responsible for the bombing of the USS Cole because she took money from a Muslim group. 

It's clear, my fellow Americans! We don't need an election -- we need mass arrests. Get these politicians behind bars before they can drag any more people to death a second time, kill more nursing home patients, or blow up any more ships.

I just wish one of these days someone would check out their criminal histories BEFORE their names get on the ballot.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SLOW SWAPPING
Moved: 11/2/2000 6:16
CBS-SLOW-SWAPPING 11/01/2000

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

Dateline Washington: The election is so close, that some Nader supporters have been looking for a some way to support their man WITHOUT actually voting for him -- which they worry would throw the election to George W Bush.

Their solution: Internet Vote Swapping.

A Nader voter in a toss-up state would go to a web site, and make a deal with a Gore voter in a guaranteed Bush state. The deal would be that the NADER voter in the toss-up states would switch to Gore, while the Gore voter in Texas, for example, where it won't make a difference -- would switch his vote to Nader. That way Nader gets the 5% he wants, but Gore still wins.

Well now, elections officials are pressuring these web sites to shut down, saying they violate election laws, and "compromise the integrity of elections," to quote the California Secretary of State.

Let's take that real slow:

"Compromise the integrity of elections." 

So free will vote swapping is illegal, but it's legal for giant computers to call you at home and play recordings of Barbara Bush, Ed Asner, Norman Schwartzkopf, and Bill Clinton telling you how to vote.

Vote swapping is illegal, but campaign ads funded by unlimited amounts of money paid by organizations with a clear interest in the outcome ARE legal.

I get it! See? The news always makes more sense when you read it real slow.

Now this. 
Index 

PHONECAL.CBS 10/31/00 4:5
Moved: 11/2/2000 6:16
PHONECAL.CBS 10/31/00 4:50 PM-DLR 2:18 

Campaign update. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network, and... RING... Pardon me... I'll bet this is another one. Hello?

VOICE: Hello fellow voter. May I have a few minutes of your time for a survey? Do you plan to vote for Al Gore?

DAVE: I don't know. 

VOICE1: Are you an idiot? DO you realize that if the Republicans win, they will Make wealthy people so wealthy that they'll buy even bigger cars, and then start buying other peoples' cars, maybe even yours, so you can't drive anywhere , and then they might buy your house and bulldoze it, so you'll be helpless and cold and wet (HANGUP)

DAVE: You see? This is like (RING) 

VOICE2 Hello, fellow voter, I'm taking a survey 

DAVE: I just took one. 

VOICE2: This is a different survey, question one, do you plan to vote for the man who will save America, George W Bush?

DAVE: I have a week yet. 

VOICE2: No. The time is now. Haven't the last eight years of depravity been enough for you? DO you know what Al Gore would do with your money? 

DAVE: No... 

VOICE2: He plans to take it from you and then..

DAVE: Spend it on liberal programs?

VOICE2: Even worse. He plans to take your money and burn it. Big bonfires of your hard earned money. And you know how he plans to get your money?

DAVE: Taxes?

VOICE: Ha! He plans to take it out of children's piggy banks while they sleep. Come right into your house break open your child's piggy bank... HANG UP RING

DAVE: My kids don't have piggy banks. They're fully invested. Hello?

VOICE1: And have you heard about Bush's drug plan!

DAVE: Plenty.

VOICE1: Did you know he'll take your mothers heart pills away? 

DAVE: She doesn't have heart pills.

VOICE1: Don't tell me he got them ALREADY!

DAVE: HANGUP She doesn't even have a ... (RING)

VOICE: Hello, is this Mr Ross? Mr Ross I am calling to inform you that you have either won a new sport utility vehicle or a trip to our brand new destination ski resort in Trenton New Jersey

VOICE2: And he'll poison your dog! 

DAVE: Which one - now I'm confused. 

VOICE2: Gore will poison your dog. No - wait... Bush will poison your dog. (OFF MIKE) Who poisons the dog this week, Bush or Gore? HANG UP

RING 

VOICE1: Hello. I'm just checking, did you just get a call saying Al Gore would poison your dog? 

DAVE: I'm not sure. 

VOICE1: Well you should know that in fact Al Gore is the only candidate who has taken a stand against poisoning your dog...

RING 

VOICE2: Fellow voter Did you hear that? Against poisoning YOUR dog, but notice he says nothing at all about OTHER people's dogs? What about them.

RING

VOICE1: Did you know Bush would drill for oil in pre-school classrooms? Can you imagine the mess? Four year olds dodging giant oil rugs. Do you want that? (HANGUP)

VOICE3: Hello I'm calling to inform you that you've won either a brand new Sport Utility Vehicle or a trip to Las Vegas ...

DAVE: I'll go! Thank goodness you called! Now this.

VOICE: Hello? Mr. Ross? Did you know you could be saving 50 dollars a month on your long distance just by switching your long distance...

DAVE: You too?

VOICE3: Sir?

DAVE: You TOO are trying to make my life miserable?

VOICE3: No sir. I'm just trying to make your phone service miserable.

DAVE:. Oh, OK

VOICE3: So Can I switch you?

DAVE: No. 
Index 

CBS PHONE CALLS
Moved: 10/31/2000 14:09
CBS-PHONE CALLS 10/26/2000

The most wonderful time of the year. This is DR...

Fall is in the air, the apples are crunchy, we get an extra hour of sleep, and good friends call just because they like you. People you never even THOUGHT you'd be on a first name basis with. Famous people! 

Listen to this letter I got from a listener: 

Dear Dave -- when I arrived home from work today and checked the answering machine I was surprised and thrilled that one of my favorite actors, Edward Asner, had called... The message he left, however, was a little puzzling. He spoke of vice President Gore's commitment to saving social security. Asner's call was a mere three days after a call from Barbara Bush, extolling the virtues of her son." Signed Nancy. 

Well Nancy, when you're popular, that's the way it is -- I know of a woman who has received not one, but SEVERAL calls from Barbara Bush, and others are getting calls from their Senators, Congressmen -- I heard from one man who even has gotten a call from Charlton Heston -- talking about how elections are important to freedom.

I think we should all return the favor -- and send THEM recorded messages:

"Hi Ed, Hi Barbara, hello Mr. Heston, hello candidates. Thank you so much for your recorded messages. I am impressed that you believe so strongly in your cause that you would take the time to have a computer call me. Since I often talk TO recordings, it's refreshing to have a recording actually take the time to talk to ME.

As for the election -- If you don't mind, I'm going to wait until I hear from other recordings before making up my mind. I hope someday I will be able to attend a rally and shake the hand of a recording.

Now this.

This is DR.... 
Index 

CBS BLANKS YANKS
Moved: 10/31/2000 14:09
CBS-BLANKS-YANKS

[Highlights read by crowd] 

And now - it's time to Fill in the Blanks. This is DR...

Here it is, fill in the blanks, where you get the chance to play along at home by simply completing the SENTENCE.

Dateline New York -- Luis Sojo hit a tie breaking single in the ninth inning to give another World Series victory to the NEW YORK YANKEES. The Yankees have now won THREE STRAIGHT WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS. This is called a THREEPEAT. Because sports writers like to MAKE UP SILLY WORDS.

The New York Mets managed to get only one win, but they were GREAT COMPETITORS. Even the Yankee fans say so -- however, they THEY DON'T REALLY MEAN IT. Because the Yankees are a BASEBALL DYNASTY. They have won 26 World Series, and as any Yankee fan will tell you, IT NEVER GETS OLD.

As for the rest of the country, we were ABSOLUTELY FASCINATED. Because we all wanted to see the Yankees MAKE HISTORY. Everything the Yankees do MAKES HISTORY.

Derek Jeter was named the series MOST VALUABLE PLAYER, but everybody knows that the MVP could have gone to ANYBODY ON THE TEAM. Because whenever any Yankee takes the field he MAKES HISTORY.

As for Mariano Rivera, he AIN'T AFRAID OF NOBODY. When he steps to the mound he MAKES HISTORY. When he steps off the mound he MAKES HISTORY. When he gets on the team bus, he YADDA YADDA YADDA.

But last night's victory by the Yankees doesn't simply mean that the Yankees are the best team ever. It also means that after eight months, the baseball season is.... (SILENCE) Come on, just one more here! This means the baseball season is ... (MORE SILENCE - DAVE WHISPERS) finally over. 

REALLY?

It really is.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS BUSH GORE
Moved: 10/31/2000 14:08
CBS-BUSH GORE

Now what do we do? This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

I ask you, what do we do now? Here for -- what has it been? About two 
years? -- we've been trying to decide who ought to be President, 
persuading ourselves that with the right information we can make an 
informed choice, and here, in the last 11 days, everything changes.

We thought Bush presided over an education miracle in Texas, and now, 
out comes a new study saying, oh no - not true. If you look at the 
grades THIS way instead of THAT way, they stink.

We thought Gore was a foreign policy whiz but now we hear that he signed 
a secret memo in 1995 letting Russia sell weapons to Iran. Strange that 
it would come out now, seeing as it was in the major papers five years 
ago - but there it is.

And then saving Social Security - that's the big issue because that 
determines whether or not Mom and Dad will have to ask you to 
actually pay them back for everything they did for you growing up - I 
pick up the LA Times, and see this headline:

"Neither Bush Nor Gore Solves Real Social Security Problem."

And the story points out that the present system, while drowning in cash for now, will run out, if nothing is done, in ... 2037. So let's see - I'd be.... 82, 83, 84... 85 YEARS OLD by the time I'll have to make it on my own! There are NINE more presidential elections between now and then.

Maybe voting based on who has the least annoying facial tics ISN'T so 
dumb.

Now this. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
~C:\WORKS\FILES\BUSHGORE.CBS 
Index 

CBS CELL PHONES 10/26/00
Moved: 10/31/2000 14:05
CBS-CELL PHONES 10/26/00 6:39 PM-DLR

The land of the hands-free. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Suffolk County, on New York's Long Island, became the first county in 
the United States to make it illegal to use a handheld cell phone while 
driving. Handsfree - OK, but handheld - $150 if you get caught.

Suffolk joins the town of Brooklyn Heights, Ohio which was the first 
city to pass a ban - and Chicago may be next. The proposed ordinance 
there would set the fine at $25 for the first phone call and $100 if the 
call leads to an accident.

But will these laws help? Will they make drivers put down their hand 
held phones? And more to the point, are phones the real problem?

Some people drive like idiots, but they would drive that way even if 
their hands were free. I know other people who can make perfectly safe 
cell phone calls while driving. And when traffic is stopped, as it 
frequently is on Long Island, so what if someone picks up a cell phone?

Everybody has their horror stories about cell phone drivers; there was 
even a study which found that a driver talking on a cell phone is about 
as attentive to the road as a drunk.

But yet ANOTHER round of laws? In a few years we'll have checkpoints 
with phone-sniffing dogs. You can be stopped for just about anything as 
it is! Surely there must be an easier to get people to do the right 
thing than always threatening them with traffic tickets!

How about this. Suppose that as a country we all agree to just STOP 
calling people on Long Island while they're driving. It's easy to tell 
when you've reached someone who's driving - you hear a lot of honking 
and swearing in the background.

When that happens, you simply say - oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you 
were driving, I'll call back later - and hang up. You may save someone 
$150.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS NADER
Moved: 10/31/2000 14:05
CBS-NADER 10/30/2000

The guy who can't win. This is DR...

For a guy who can't win, Ralph Nader is doing OK. He's got the Democrats in a panic, and the he's got the Republicans paying for his ads. The Republican Leadership Council is spending 100,000 to run ads that replay excerpts from Nader's speech to the National Press Club last week -- in which he says "Al Gore is suffering from election year delusion if he thinks his record on the environment is anything to be proud of."

The Republicans didn't have time, I guess, to include Nader's description of Bush " a big corporation running for president disguised as a person." But maybe the Democrats will pick up the tab to broadcast that part of the speech.

The point is that this man, so long on the fringes, and still stuck at 5%, has power.

And the Green Party shows no signs of backing down.

The party has posted newspaper and radio ads on the votenader.com website, and is asking individuals to buy space for them -- the grassroots version of soft money. They'll even send you a TV ad if you want it.

There's a door-to-door canvass effort underway -- with do-it-yourself versions of canvassing materials available on the web site ready to be downloaded and printed. Heck, the entire campaign field manual is on the web.

And the campaign is asking supporters to call PBS affiliates and ask why PBS is giving free time at the end of the News Hour to Bush and Gore, but not Nader.

In other words, despite all the pressure from the Democrats to back down, Nader is doing just the opposite. The daily e-mail includes this quote from Gandhi:

"First they ignore you
"Then they laugh at you
"Then they fight you
"Then you win."

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CAMPAIGN
Moved: 10/31/2000 14:04
CBS-CAMPAIGN 10/30/2000

Liar's club. This is DR...

This is the final week of the campaign, and when a race is close, no matter the office, the final week is when even good candidates become incorrigible liars. 

Doesn't matter who the candidate is -- he may have a Cub Scout face and go to church seven days a week -- but his opponent's TV ads will depict him as a liar.

Soon a substantial number of us will conclude EVERYBODY running is a liar!

Which means that at some point someone will turn to you and say, "are you really going to vote for that liar?"

Here's what you tell them.

You bet I'm voting for that liar. I'm voting for the liar because a liar has cultivated the very skills every good leader needs.

A leader has to think on his feet. There certainly are some honest people who can do that too, but a liar has to stay sharp 24 hours a day. 

A leader also has to have an excellent memory -- and there are many honest people who do. But a liar has to remember EVERYTHING he's ever said.

And finally, the best thing about liars is that they make us all feel good.

You elect a saint -- you are forever inferior. Your friends, your parents, your spouse, look at you and say, "Why can't you be more like Saint What's His Name? The world would be so much better if everybody was like Saint What's His Name."

No, the world would be unbearable. We'd be surrounded by people telling us what to watch, what to read, what to eat. When piety governs, even good people long to rebel.

So when someone calls your candidate a liar, you just say -- yeah, and THAT's why I like him. It's time to give the checks and balances something to do.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS TOY GUN
Moved: 10/31/2000 14:04
CBS-TOY GUN 10/31/2000

Ban the toy. This is DR....

Monday night, friends of actor Anthony Lee held a candlelight vigil to mourn his death, and everyone else is trying to figure out how such a thing could happen.

Here is a man who was at a west Hollywood mansion for a Halloween party with friends, there was a noise complaint, police couldn't get an answer at the front door, so they went around back, they saw Lee through a window dressed in black, holding a gun; he appeared to be aiming it at the police officer; the officer fired NINE times.

Lee's gun turned out to be a fake -- made of solid dark gray rubber in the shape of a .357 Desert Eagle semiautomatic handgun.

So here is the case of a man who was gunned down for dressing up on Halloween.

Is it profiling? Well it's hard to see how it's profiling since both the officer and the victim are black.

And it's hard to blame the officer for firing because he THOUGHT the gun was real. Indeed, it was designed to look real.

Which brings us to the fake gun itself. 

It's pretty clear that today, in America, even a fake gun can get you killed! The only good thing about them is that they don't need trigger locks.

Fake guns are dangerous because right or wrong -- all of us assume that everyone in America is armed. We assume that if it LOOKS like a gun, it IS a gun. All of assume that - not just the police.

Toy guns should either be banned, or at least carry a warning: "drawing this toy in an urban area will very likely get you shot." If we can't control real guns, we need to control fake ones - and we'd better act now - before someone sets up the National Fake Rifle Association.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TALK SHOW FODDER
Moved: 10/31/2000 14:04
CBS-TALK SHOW FODDER 10/31/2000

Feel our pain. This is DR...

With a week to go before the election it's finally beginning to dawn on us talk show hosts. It's over.

See, the basic facts of a talk show are this: you have three hours to fill, and you need something interesting to fill them with. And it's becoming clear that whoever wins next week, America's biggest political and moral issue is about to retire to Chappaqua.

Over and over again, when it looked like another three hours of gun rights, abortion, and affirmative action -- Bill Clinton would step up to the plate and provide something new.

You have to give some of the credit to the Republicans who managed to milk so many apparently baseless controversies for so long -- but they couldn't have done it without him. For us in the talk show business, this election isn't about Bush's likability, or Gore's grasp of issues -- it's about the 22nd amendment. Two terms are not enough.

Conspiracy theories, wild rumors that turned out to be false, wild rumors that turned out to be true. Bill Clinton brought so much to the table: And even today, as a lame duck, when his powers are supposed to be ebbing away -- he's there in Esquire magazine saying the Republicans should apologize for what they did to him!

And instead of him -- we're going to get a Boy Scout President who could pose for the centerfold of Christianity Today. I mean, we all love the Boy Scouts, but until they started banning gays, you simply could not talk about them for three hours. 

So my dear voters, if you think YOU have it tough, think of us talk show hosts. Try to feel our pain. Because come January, the man who did it best will be gone.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PAULA JONES
Moved: 10/25/2000 9:01
CBS-PAULA JONES 10/25/2000

Dumped like yesterday's news. This is DR...

She said she would never pose nude for a men's magazine, but on Tuesday, Paula Jones was explaining on CNN's Larry King Live why she did the Full Monty for Penthouse.

TAPE: This is something I chose to and made a decision as an adult woman."

And therefore it is very different from Bill Clinton asking her to perform a rude act in an Arkansas hotel room -- an alleged act which finally got her an out of court settlement of 850,000. The case also led to the President's impeachment.

And yet you know what's fascinating about Paula Jones? That the same people who once saw her as a brave woman standing up for her dignity even against the most powerful man in the world -- seem to have dropped her. 

The lawyers got most of her settlement. A plastic surgeon got some too -- that's true -- but she did what they told her to, she went to the mat, and yet no one writes, no one calls:

TAPE:

Susan Carpenter McMillan, Larry Klayman of Judicial Watch, John Whitehead of the Rutherford Institute who said her case "would draw attention to "the importance of protecting powerless women from workplace harassment..."

They're gone. Clinton embarrassed her for 90 seconds; and they used her for 4 1/2 years.

Of course, that's nothing new -- it always happens to ordinary people who have served the interests of the powerful and are no longer needed.

But in the meantime, in Paula's case, there are kids to support, she hasn't worked in ten years, and with none of her friends standing by to offer her a job... Penthouse was too tempting to refuse.

She says she doesn't follow politics closely, but she knows how she'll vote:

And why not. At least he seems to have some compassion.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NUKE WASTE
Moved: 10/25/2000 9:01
CBS-NUKE WASTE 10/25/2000

Nuking ourselves in the foot. This is DR...

Here's a story you may have missed -- there's a campaign on, and it's easy to miss things: Dateline Washington DC -- the energy department has concluded that the amount of plutonium and other man-made radioactive elements released into the soil or buried in flimsy containers during the first 40 years of the US nuclear weapons program is TEN TIMES larger than it had estimated.

TEN TIMES.

Ordinarily, the idea that the government screwed up an estimate wouldn't raise an eyebrow. But plutonium is particularly nasty stuff -- causes cancer even in tiny amounts; remains radioactive for thousands for years. Which is no problem as long as the stuff is locked away in air-tight cannisters buried way way underground, on a distant planet.

So it was a little disconcerting to read that at lot of the most dangerous stuff was, to quote the AP dispatch, "poured into the dirt."

Poured into the dirt in laces like Richland, Washington, Idaho Falls, Idaho; Los Alamos in New Mexico, and Oak Ridge in Tennessee.

The Department of Energy says there is no imminent danger, but environmental groups warn that with nothing but dirt between the plutonium and underground water supplies, it's only a matter of time before the tap glows.

So there you have it.

The nuclear weapons we made a generation ago are with us yet.

I don't know why we spend so much time trying to prevent the spread of these weapons. We should ENCOURAGE our enemies to build them. As far as I can tell, they're the only weapon with the potential for causing as much harm to the bomb-ER as the bomb-EE.

Now his.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS MIDDLE EAST HELL
Moved: 10/24/2000 5:08
CBS-MIDDLE EAST HELL 10/23/2000

Quote of the day. This is DR...

Today's quote of the day comes from Yasser Arafat, head of the Palestinian Authority, commenting on the status of his conflict with Israel.

First the background: Because of all the fighting, the Israeli side has called a time out in the peace talks so the government can regroup, which apparently means including a group of hard-liners who are ready to just start building walls.

That prompted Arafat to say, with a GRIN, according to newspaper accounts, that he is marching toward an independent state with Jerusalem as its capital, and if the Israeli Prime Minister doesn't like it, he can "go to hell." 

Go to hell. It struck me as a strange thing to say.

Just glancing over the coverage today, I see Arab leaders saying they will freeze most contacts with Israel. I see a piece in the newspaper this morning about how Palestinian adolescents think stopping an Israeli bullet is a ticket to paradise. I see that Palestinian newspapers run portraits of children who've been shot -- the way OUR papers might run portraits of high school graduates.

I see a report that four more Palestinians were killed in fighting on Sunday. Here's a report that machine-gun fire from a Palestinian neighborhood in Jerusalem sprayed a Jewish neighborhood -- prompting a response by Israeli rockets, and a threat from the head of the Israeli army to surround the Palestinian neighborhood.

-- A bomb blew up in Gaza alongside a Israeli civilian bus carrying children,
just missing its target... 

So I can't understand why Arafat would tell his enemies to go to hell. It sounds to me like everyone's already there.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ELECTION1
Moved: 10/24/2000 5:08
CBS-ELECTION1

A dead heat. This is DR...

The latest polls show that for all the talk that Al Gore would run away with the debates, he hasn't. If anything -- they've hurt him. The latest CBS News New York Times poll has Bush ahead 44 per cent to 42 per cent, which translates to a dead heat.

And the newspaper editorials reflect the national dilemma.

In Detroit, the Detroit News endorsed Bush, saying that its could not endorse Gore because Gore had a "disdain for the internal combustion engine" and his environmental policies could eliminate thousands of jobs in Michigan.

-- Gore should have kissed a carburetor.

But wait -- in the same town -- the Detroit Free Press ENDORSES Gore, saying that it could not endorse Bush because Bush has "little in his background to suggest he is really up to the world's most demanding job.

The Seattle Times, which endorsed Democrat Bill Bradley in the primary, turned around and endorsed Bush in today's editorial -- the editors explained Gore lost their trust for the way he attacked Bradley during the primary debates, and that while Bush seems to understand issues, Gore equivocates on nearly everything.

Then in the very next paragraph, the paper equivocated itself, saying it was endorsing Bush despite a (QUOTE) "profound disagreement" on his abortion stand.

One member of the editorial board -- sensing readers might be confused by this -- 
felt compelled to write an editorial explaining the editorial. "We consider ourselves truly independent" she wrote.

So take heart -- those of you who worry that you are about to vote for one man or the other without knowing precisely why. You are by no means alone.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DIGITAL DIVIDE
Moved: 10/23/2000 13:40
CBS-DIGITAL DIVIDE 

When billionaires attack. This is DR...

Caring people everywhere are worried about the Digital Divide. Because everyone believes in equal computer access for rich and poor.

That's why the World Resources Institute organized a recent conference in Seattle, conference called Creating Digital Dividends, and invited high-tech firms, venture capitalists, and the world's most famous techie, Bill Gates -- to offer HIS ideas on how to take people living on a dollar a day and turn them into high-tech consumers and entrepreneurs.

And then they waited in anticipation as Gates was asked the key question -- What did he thing about the idea of giving computers and software to third world countries so they could lift themselves out of poverty.

The conference was apparently not prepared for the answer. According to the Seattle Post Intelligencer, what Mr. Gates said was (QUOTE) "People with elephantiasis aren't going to be using their PCs." He went on: "It's almost criminal more money isn't being spent on curing malaria which kills one million children a year."

He then pointed out that people who live on a dollar a day don't have electricity. SO that unless a computer is invented that doesn't use electricity, it won't do them much good.

The moderator tried to mention solar energy, but Gates pointed out that people who are trying to stay alive from day to day, are not going to use a computer, even IF it's solar powered.

I imagine that pretty much put the kibosh in that topic. To think that it would take the world's richest man to state the obvious about the world's poorest people. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TV IN SCHOOL
Moved: 10/23/2000 13:40
CBS-TV IN SCHOOL 10/2/2000

Forced to watch. This is DR....

As we all know, TV is what's ruining America's students, and every family is supposed to control how much TV children watch. That's why cable companies let you lock out channels, and why we can buy TVs that shut themselves off.

In Ohio, one Mom, Selena Maurer, a member of the Church of God, takes this one step further. She does not want her kids watching ANY television, period, and her children obey -- they don't watch any television, ever.

The problem is that Perrysburgh Junior High, where DJ and Carlotta Maurer attend school, begins each day by showing Channel One, the in-school cable TV program that presents 12 minutes of news as well as commercials for movies, snack foods, and soft drinks.

Every morning, before the Channel One broadcast, Carlotta and DJ would get up and walk out of the classroom. Finally, the principal had to suspend the two for refusing to watch the show.

And now, TWO national organizations have taken up their case, and will fight for their right NOT to watch TV.

You see, first there was the pledge -- the Supreme Court said you didn't have to participate in that; then the moment of silence - students want to be able to leave the classroom during that, and now the Supreme Court is going to end up having to decide whether you can force a kid to watch TV.

I've determined there is one thing all these controversial activities have in common. They take place during the first 15 minutes of the school day.

So, why don't we just let kids show up late? Give the the Supreme Court a break, do all the controversial stuff in the first 15 minutes, have a brief intermission, seat the latecomers, and then just GET ON WITH SCHOOL.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DRUG RE IMPORT
Moved: 10/23/2000 13:40
CBS-DURG RE-IMPORT 10/20/2000

Boomerang drugs. This is DR...

As Congress tries to adjourn for the election recess, it's coming to the rescue of seniors who've been trying to cope with the high cost of prescription drugs.

As everyone knows, the way the prescription drug industry works is that American companies invent lifesaving drugs, then send them to other countries where evil government price controls insure that citizens of OTHER countries pay 98 cents for a pill that costs an American six bucks. 

Congress' new ``reimportation bill'' is going to fix the problem by letting American companies re-import drugs that sell for less in other countries. Under this bill, pharmacists can buy U.S.-made drugs overseas at the lower price and repatriate them so that finally Americans can get the same deal on American-made drugs that non-Americans get.

EXCEPT -- it turns out that bill has a few restrictions.

As you know, drugs are sold in blister packs -- so that you pop out one pill at a time. The bill requires that before the pills can be brought back to the US, they will all have to be popped out of the blister packs, tested, relabeled with American labels, and then repackaged. The cost of doing this, apparently, will negate much of the discount, and setting up the process could take TWO YEARS.

Wait -- I have an idea -- why not just test the pills and label them HERE, BEFORE they go in the blister packs, then put them on an early flight, and as soon as the plane crosses into the airspace of a country where the prices are regulated, turn the plane around! Pills could be at the drug stores by late afternoon. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BLANKS
Moved: 10/23/2000 13:40
CBS-BLANKS 10/20/2000

[Italics read by crowd] 

And now - it's time to fill in the BLANKS. This is DR...

Here it is, fill in the blanks, where YOU get the chance to play along at home by simply completing the SENTENCE.

Dateline NEW YORK -- Everyone in New York is talking about the SUBWAY SERIES. 

The last subway series took place 44 YEARS AGO, when Don Larsen pitched his PERFECT GAME, something everybody in New York WITNESSED IN PERSON.

The reason the subway series is hapening is because it was ORDAINED BY GOD. In the beginning, God created THE YANKEES but they were lonely. So God also created the NEW YORK GIANTS, and the BROOKLYN DODGERS, and A BUNCH OF OTHER TEAMS WHOSE NAMES NEW YORKERS CAN'T QUITE REMEMBER.

Then, while God's back was turned, the Giants and Dodgers left town for LITTLE CITIES SOMEWHERE WEST OF THE HUDSON, WHOSE EXACT LOCATION NO ONE IS QUITE SURE OF. Wherever they are, they will NEVER BE FORGIVEN.

Then in 1962, God created the ... METS. And as far as New Yorkers are concerned, that is THE LAST REALLY IMPORTANT THING HE DID, except for when he later came to earth as GEORGE STEINBRENNER.

The combined payrolls of the Mets and the Yankees are enough to PAY FOR EVERYBODY'S PRESCRIPTION DRUGS.

Out here, in the little cities somewhere west of the Hudson, the rest of us could CARE LESS. We are not at all JEALOUS that the New York teams tend to SUCK UP EVERYBODY ELSE'S BEST PLAYERS. Because we know that after the series is over, both your your teams will once again demand NEW STADIUMS by threatening to move to LITTLE CITIES SOMEWHERE WEST OF THE HUDSON.

Well done!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PICKLE
Moved: 10/19/2000 12:03
CBS-PICKLE 10/12/2000

Hold the pickle. This is DR...

It was on Oct. 6, 1999, when Veronica Martin bought several hamburgers at a McDonald's Apparently, as she ate one of the hamburgers, the pickle that comes standard slipped out and burned her chin.

She claims the pickle was hot enough to cause a second degree burn, and is now seeking $110,000 in damages for physical and mental injuries. Her husband, Darren, who according to the lawsuit "has been deprived of the services and consortium of his wife," seeks $15,000. 

McDonald's has many very smart lawyers who are now examining this lawsuit. They will examine how hot the pickles get, whether the pickles are firmly anchored to the burger, and the many other subtleties of sandwich preparation.

But for a fraction of the cost of just the RESEARCH these lawyers are likely to do, they could simply PAY.

If there's a scar and it bears any resemblance to a pickle ... maybe they should just pay.

Pay before someone finds memos about a on-going hot pickle problem. Pay before some ex-executive appears on 60 minutes saying how he knew years ago that pickles might have a tendency to separate from the burger.

And if you decide to fight -- remember the 49 cent cup of coffee that Stella Liebeck bought in 1994, which spilled on her lap when she opened it to add cream and sugar, leaving her with third degree burns. All she wanted at first was $11,000 dollars for medical bills. Instead, McDonald's went to court and she got 2.9 million.

Just pay -- and remember -- there is only one foolproof way to serve food: Carefully wrapped, and very COLD.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NADER2
Moved: 10/19/2000 11:51
CBS-NADER2 10/19/2000

America's most dangerous man. This is DR...

There is a dangerous man on the loose in America. A man who threatens to disrupt the political process. Every security guard, I am sure, knows what he looks like, and stands ready to stop him.

He is, of course, RALPH NADER. Ralph Nader, standard bearer of the Green party, and the man who, at any cost, must be kept a safe distance from George W. Bush, and Al Gore.

He showed up at the first debate in Boston, with a ticket to sit in the AUDIENCE! Shows just how sneaky he can be. But security recognized the rumpled suit and turned him away. Last Tuesday, he showed up at debate number 3, OSTENSIBLY to do an interview with the campus TV station in a tent OUTSIDE the debate. He had the credentials. But security saw right through that: they got him off campus just in time -- before the cameras rolled.

Beware America -- he remains at large, on the loose and full of embarrassing questions. 

Questions like -- if family values mean spending more time with the kids, why do Americans get less vacation than any other industrial nation? (HORROR)

If America is compassionate, how come a catastrophic illness can drain your savings? (HORROR)

And -- what do those corporations really get for their soft money? (HORROR)

You can see why, in America, there are two renegades that ALL security guards are taught to recognize: Osama Bin Laden, and Ralph Nader.

The Secret Service can only provide physical safety for the candidates, but there is no one there to provide intellectual safety.

And that is the greatest danger of all.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GREENS
Moved: 10/19/2000 11:51
CBS-GREENS 10/19/2000

Hold that vote. This is DR....

It's a fact of the election process that not every vote counts.

Nobody likes to hear that, but it's true -- especially on the west coast. Unless it's a VERY close election, the result is usually clear before the west coast has finished voting. And it gets the west coast angry. 

Well, this year there is a new organization which plans to use this phenomenon not to get angry, but to get even. Or at least get to 5%.

Ralph Nader and his Green Party need a 5% turnout to get federal funds the next time around -- but a lot of Greens are worried about throwing the election to George W. Bush, which they think would be a catastrophe.

So a group called Greens for Gore has developed a strategy.

They are going to support BOTH Nader and Gore, but they're going to do it in PHASES.

On election night they have appealed for all Green voters sitting on the fence in the
swing states of Oregon, Washington, and Wisconsin to hold their votes until a half hour before the polls close. They should then go to the polling place with their unmarked ballots in one hands, and a radio in the other.

And if at the last minute, they hear a projection showing that Gore or Bush have won the state, or have already won the national election -- they'll vote Nader. If it's still too close to call -- they'll vote Gore.

So if you see a lineup of voters at about 7:30, carrying radios, that's why. 

People vote for many reasons -- sighs, body language ... and now, as the latest evidence of American ingenuity, this year, for the first time, the depth of commitment to a candidate will depend on the time of day.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DEBATE 6
Moved: 10/18/2000 7:26
CBS-DEBATE 6 10/18/2000

The Full Monty Debate. This is DR...

I said this would be the Full Monty debate, and it was. We finally saw each man's tax cut stripped naked:

First the first time, George Bush came out and said YES, his tax cut would benefit the wealthiest 1%:

BUSH: Of course it does...

What's wrong with that? Gore tried to explain what's wrong with that:

GORE: BUSH ... right people."

So this one area is no longer gray. Bush WILL reward the richest 1% by letting them keep more of their own money, and makes no bones about it. Gore will reward middle income people, but on HIS terms: you have to pay college tuition or start a savings account.

So either way -- for most of us, it sounds like LOTTO is still the best deal.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MARINERS
Moved: 10/18/2000 7:26
CBS-MARINERS 10/18/2000

No joy in Latte-land. This is DR...

As you may know I've lived in Seattle for 22 years -- but I come from New York, and most of my family still lives there -- so when Seattle scored those two runs in the first inning I immediately called Dad to gloat. -- Dad who always told me growing up that there was nothing of significance west of the Hudson.

He didn't know what I was talking about. He and Mom were watching "Jag" -- which is so typical of Yankee fans. They don't care about the first inning; they don't care about the first seven innings. All they want to know is -- has Mariano Rivera come to the mound yet. 
Good thing I gloated early, because today, here in Seattle -- it's like the morning after you've been dumped by your prom date. Extra counselors are in all the schools, children look into their parents eyes with an expression that says, "Daddy does this mean we won't hear...

[Cart No: <7 Sport>WHO LET THE DOGS OUT
Time: 58s
In-cue: 
Out-cue: ] 

Yeah kid, that's EXACTLY WHAT IT MEANS!

I've never bought into this idea that municipal self-esteem is dependent on a baseball team. But as it turns out, it is.

Microsoft is down 60%, the rainy season is here, Grunge is dead -- baseball was it for us.

I had two dozen Canoles from Lagoulie's Bakery in Queens riding on this series... a little bet I made a bet with talk host Bob Grant. I wasn't really sure what Canoles were -- but I was still looking forward to them, and now -- it doesn't matter. Bob, I know you will enjoy the fresh Seattle halibut.

And yeah, we'll get over it, eventually. We know that in the fullness of time, we will see our Mariners in a world series. 

I just wish they weren't in Yankee uniforms when they got there.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DEBATE5
Moved: 10/16/2000 7:29
CBS-DEBATE5 10/16/2000

Men on stools. This is DR...

The candidates are prepping for the third and final presidential debate -- a debate that will be like none of the others because this time the candidates will NOT be at podiums, they will NOT be at a table -- they will be on STOOLS.

This is all part of the Debate Commission's careful planning. Week by week, the debate formats have been displaying a little more of the candidates. In the first debate, the podiums covered them to chest level; in the second debate we could see them down to the waist, and NOW -- the Full Monty.

Both candidates are prepping. Al Gore is holding a mock town hall in St. Louis as practice -- so he can get the feel of the city as well as the format. He knows he has one last chance to avoid being too aggressive, too deferential, too lose, too stiff, and too eager to breathe.

His advisers are officially predicting that this time, Al Gore will be HIMSELF. He's even PRACTICED being himself.

As for George W. Bush -- he was in Austin Sunday, practicing sitting on a STOOL -- the same type of stool, we're told, that will be used in the debate itself. Those Bushes play for keeps.

I know many of you wonder why the Debate Commission is making them debate on stools. When was the last time a President addressed the nation seated on a stool? If the purpose is to assess whether a man looks presidential, have the debate in a mock up of the Oval Office -- or the White House Press Room.

Well, those were the presidents of the past. Presidents of the future will be able to use many kinds of furniture. Indeed, when the next President sits down with Ehud Barak and Yasser Arafat, they will all sit on stools. It's about the only thing they haven't tried.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TEENS
Moved: 10/16/2000 7:29
CBS-TEENS 10/16/2000

They lie, they cheat, they drink. This is DR....

Every other year the Josephson Institute of Ethics issues the `Report Card on the Ethics of American Youth'' to see if our children are as good as we think they are -- the preliminary results are out.

Of the 86-hundred high school students surveyed, 25% said they would lie to get a job, 78 percent said they had lied to a teacher, and 92 percent said they had lied to their parents in the past year.

As for cheating, 70% admitted cheating on a test at least once in the past year, and nearly half said they'd cheated MORE than once.

As for DRINKING, nearly one in six students said they had shown up for class drunk at least once in the past year.

As for VIOLENCE, 68 percent admitted they hit someone because they were angry, 47 percent said they could get a gun if they wanted to. 

This, says Institute president Michael Josephson ``reveals a hole in the moral ozone.''

Thank you for the heads-up, Michael! I guess these surveys are supposed to help parents, but I can't figure out how. Can you take the car keys away based on a survey - "son, you're grounded 'til I stop seeing these depressing headlines."

Of course not. These surveys never tell us what we need to know. Seven out of ten cheat. Nine out of ten drink. All I need to know is this: is my kid one of them?

And if he is, why is he admitting it on a survey?

If you're going to lie, cheat, drink and fight, you should at least have enough shame to fib about it when somebody asks you.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS OIL
Moved: 10/12/2000 7:38
CBS-OIL 10/12/2000

If only we'd been warned! This is DR...

A brief news item:

LONDON -- Oil prices roared to a fresh 10-year high on violence in the Middle East on Thursday as benchmark Brent crude traded above $35 a barrel for the first time since 1990.

North Sea benchmark Brent for November delivery in London was trading at $35.22 after fresh Israeli-Palestinian violence and an attack on a U.S. warship in Yemen. 

I read this, and I pose the question, wouldn't it be great if you could read a dispatch like this, and just not care?

Wouldn't it be great if instead of Brent Crude it was the price of Play Dough that went up every time there was a conflict in the middle east? 

But it's not the price of Play Dough that goes up, it's the price of oil, and we have to care. Why? Because without oil we can't drive our cars and our furnaces are useless, which means we sit at home and freeze.

Now -- let's fantasize. Let's imagine a world where there are LOTS of substitutes for oil.

Imagine a world where if Brent Crude gets too expensive, you could fill your tank with Canola oil or cheap vodka! 

How come national security seems to include the invention of elaborate missile systems but not the invention of elaborate systems to wean us from the middle eastern nipple?

Imagine if countries in the middle east knew that if they got into a religious war, the economic implications to us would be exactly ZERO. 

Ah, if only we'd been warned. If only we'd been through an oil crisis before, say 27 years ago, maybe with long gas lines -- artificial though they may have been -- that would have made us resolve never again to let a foreign nation grab us by our ... sensitive parts. Maybe we'd have had the time to get ready!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CAMPAIGN ADS
Moved: 10/12/2000 7:38
CBS-CAMPAIGN ADS

Exposing the liars! This is DR...

I like to watch the debates, because just when you think an issue is crystal clear, a candidate will surprise you.

Wednesday night Gore brought up hate crimes -- said Gov. Bush didn't give enough support to a bill pushed by the family of James Byrd -- the black man dragged to death by three white men.

But as Bush said, when all three defendants get the death penalty -- what else can you do? I realize only two of the three got death, the other got life in prison, but the point stands: if a defendant is sent to prison for life, OR is in line for a lethal injection, what else does it do to label a murder a hate crime.

On the idea of nation-building, and the bad rap it gets, Gore pointed out that nation-building is EXACTLY what the greatest generation decided to do after World War II when the Marshall Plan helped rebuild Europe.

And on it went. They didn't fling the words liberal or conservative at each other. 
It was a civilized discussion between two men who were on their best behavior. Some pundits thought it was forced -- but hey -- that's the way it is with good manners. If good manners came naturally, we'd ALL have them wouldn't we?

You must learn them.

Two men, with good manners, who have different way of reaching the same goal. Does that message appear in ANY of the campaign commercials? No! In the campaign commercials, Al Gore wouldn't know the truth if he kissed it on the lips, and George Bush's Texas is a third world country.

Which means there are liars in this campaign, and they're the people writing the campaign ads! Somebody make them stop!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS e mail HOAX
Moved: 10/11/2000 7:37
CBS-E-MAIL HOAX

The non-existent bill that will not die. This is DR...

I don't know how many times I've had to answer e-mail from people asking me about Bill 602P. How many times I've said there IS no Bill 602P, there never WAS a bill 602P, and as far as I know, there has never been ANY bill with a "P".

But you'll be happy to know that BOTH New York Senate candidates are absolutely against Bill 602P.

It came up in their debate Sunday. The moderator in Sunday's debate between Hillary Clinton and Rick Lazio explained that there is a Bill 602P designed to help the post office recoup losses due to the widespread use of free e-mail by slapping a 5 cent tax on every e-mail message sent. She asked the candidates how they would vote on bill 602P.

Now I emphasize again, this bill NEVER existed its an old e-mail hoax. But none of them realized that.

So listen to the responses:

From Hillary Clinton -- (QUOTE) "Based on your description... It sounds burdensome and not justifiable to me." 

From Rick Lazio -- (QUOTE) "I am absolutely opposed to this, this is an example of the government's greedy hand."

In other words -- they both bought the idea that the post office might indeed try to tax e-mail. Even I and other have run repeated stories debunking it, even though urban legend sites on the web long ago traced its origin to a prankster in Canada.

The lesson here is NOT that those who fell for the e-mail are stupid people, because they're not -- a little out of touch perhaps... but no, the lesson here is that there are now so many taxes, fees, surcharges -- just look at your phone bill -- that when it comes to a tax, we'll believe ANYTHING.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS MIDDLE EAST
Moved: 10/11/2000 7:37
CBS-MIDDLE EAST 10/09/2000

The search for meaning. This is DR...

The President is trying to arrange another meeting -- this time in Egypt -- at which he will once again try to convince Palestinians and Israelis that they don't really hate each other's guts, even though everyone knows they do.

You see, an American president has two main responsibilities -- going to fundraisers, and shanghaiing Arab and Israeli leaders into meetings. 

And here in America, we are left to wonder what it all means. 

Now that it's clear that yet another generation has picked up the hatred of its parents, what does it all mean. Does it mean war. Does it mean the peace process was flawed from the beginning. Does it mean we should vote for Bush. Does it mean we should vote for Gore.

I don't know. All I know is this: If you have a car that sucks down the gas, sell it.

Whatever history's verdict, we know that when there's war in the middle east, it's BAD for gas prices.

The strategic oil reserve is already pumping, so we've played that card already, which means there's no more to pull out of the hat. 

So take the hint. Be prepared.

But Dave, you say, Madeleine Albright was on TV over the weekend calling on the leaders of Israel and the Palestinians to ``disengage'' and get back to the peace process.
Maybe they'll let bygones be bygones, you say. Maybe they'll forget all this stuff about holy places, and destroyed shrines, and the video of the little boy. Maybe if Bill Clinton can just get them both in a big bear hug it'll all be fine.

Yeah, right. 

Get a compact.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GORE BUSH
Moved: 10/11/2000 7:37
CBS-GORE BUSH 10/10/2000

Who's minding the store? This is DR...

We tend to forget that both Mr. Gore and Mr. Bush HAVE JOBS which the taxpayers are paying them to perform. So the Associated Press, ever cynical, asked the campaigns how much time Bush and Gore have been spending in the jobs they they are actually being paid for.

Aides to each man reluctantly supplied the following information: that Bush hasn't set foot in the Austin Statehouse since late August and Gore hasn't been inside the White House since June.

However these same aides pointed out that although they were not physically present, they continued to conduct official business.

Gore, we are told, still gets daily national security briefings and is also in constant phone touch, presumably reinventing government. Bush takes himself off the Texas payroll whenever he's out of state for a full 24 hours. Which is now past 80 days, but he too is in constant phone touch, presumably fighting fuzzy math. 

Don't you wish could just tell your boss -- boss, for the next few months I'll be busy trying out for a better job at another company -- but I'll be working for you on weekends ... and by phone!

Of course political jobs are different. The job of the vice president -- to stay alive not TOO time consuming; and the job of Texas Governor -- well, I quote the head of Common Cause Texas, (QUOTE) ``we're not really sure what he does do.'' 

It just reminds us what a great country this is. Every two years, most of our pubic officials spend several months nowhere near their desks, and yet America manages to keep running even when her public servants are phoning it in.

Now this.

This is DR.. 
Index 

CBS CUSTER
Moved: 10/11/2000 7:37
CBS-CUSTER 10/11/2000

The band's last stand. This is DR....

In Spokane, the Lewis and Clark High School marching band wanted to win band competitions. If you want to win band competitions, you can't just play "On Wisconsin." 

SO band director Larry Jay chose a 1905 symphonic piece called "The Death of Custer," about the Battle of the Little Bighorn. There's always a risk of appearing flippant, when you take on a historical event, a little like the synchronized swim team portraying the battle of the Alamo -- but in this case, the Indians win, it's as politically correct as history gets, plus, it would be carefully and respectfully choreographed.

So the marching band was dressed as the cavalry, and the auxiliary dance team dressed as the Indians, in beads and braids, waving blankets and bows. At the end, the dancers fire an arrow at the student playing Custer who fires a cap gun into the air and finally dies of his wounds.

At the Cavalcade of Bands competition, the show won first prize. And then, a native American student from another high school said the Indians looked cartoonish, and filed a complaint with the school district's Indian Education Program, asking that the costumes be made more accurate, and that the Indians be armed with guns, as they were at Little Big Horn.

Well, the school was not going to take any chances. First prize or not, the show would have to be changed so as to be beyond controversy. So now -- the Indian costumes are out, the dancers will wear black, and instead of waving Indian blankets, they'll wave school banners. 

And the show about the battle of the Little Big Horn will resemble the battle mainly in that there will be horns.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CANDIDATES
Moved: 10/11/2000 7:37
CBS-CANDIDATES 10/11/2000

Debate part II, all NEW. This is DR...

In tonight's presidential debate, we will see not only a new FORMAT -- with the candidates seated at the same table -- but a new style from Al Gore. He promises not to release so many audible sighs, no matter how exasperated he gets -- AND he promises to do his best to get the details right so that he won't be open to charges of exaggeration.

It's not that he's TRYING to be inaccurate -- the problem, his people explain, is that after being criticized as too stiff, he tried to loosen up, but got a little TOO loose, so now he's going to stiffen up.

As for the Bush side, he's reported to be getting more rest, so he won't say "IRA agents" when he means "IRS agents" or utter sentences like ``Our priorities is our faith'' as happened during an airport rally Tuesday. HIS people say his tendency to bobble words is a symptom of fatigue, so his mission today is to get lots of rest and strive for subject-verb agreement.

This is what it has come down to in a race that's still too close to call: emissions of breath and sentence structure. But don't be discouraged! I'm not! I'm buoyant!

I think it's great that candidates so badly want our vote that they are willing to tailor not only their policies but their PERSONAL habits to please us.

Tell you what -- after the debate tonight, when the pollsters call up to ask which candidate won, say you wish they'd part their hair down the center. Say I like Al, or I like George, but unless he starts parting his hair down the center I'm voting for the other guy.

It'll give you a reason to tune in for the last debate next Tuesday.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ANECDOTES
Moved: 10/6/2000 7:20
CBS-ANECDOTES 10/05/2000

Is Al Gore a liar? This is DR ...

Today, the political sites on the Internet are churning with critiques of Al Gore's debate anecdote about Kailey Ellis, the sophomore in Sarasota Florida whose science lab was so crowded she had to stand in class for lack of a desk.

You see, it turns out she DOES have a desk. The New York Times checked with the principal and was told the class WAS short a desk only that one day due to remodeling.

So the headlines have been flying: On the Conservative News Service -- String of Debate Misstatements Haunts Gore. On Newsmax.com -- "Gore Twice Flunks Truth-Telling 101..." 

IS Al Gore a liar? 

How'd he get the story? 

Well, he was handed a copy of the Sarasota Herald Tribune by Kailey's father, a registered Republican, by the way. I hold in my hand this story, dated September 9, which clearly shows Kailey Ellis standing in her classroom. The school blames remodeling. But wait, there's more.

The story says the school district had to cut its budget $17 million dollars this year with (QUOTE) "devastating results." 100 teaching positions were cut. Class sizes have climbed by an average of nine students in the high schools. And school officials, says the article, warn it will get worse as the district tries to cut ANOTHER 14 million dollars.

Remodeling indeed.

And while Kailey got a seat, others did not. The article quotes at least five other students with similar stories.

The strange thing is, Gore's critics mentioned NONE of this.

It's bad enough when the candidates are misleading, but what are we to do when the FACT CHECKERS are misleading!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DRUG TEST
Moved: 10/6/2000 7:19
CBS-DRUG TEST 10/05/2000

The newest basic skill. This is DR...

It's the latest drug test for high school kids -- nicotine screening. 

Hoover High School in Hoover Alabama is reportedly the first in the state to require athletes to take mandatory random tests for nicotine. Athletes could be asked at any time to fill the cup and if nicotine shows up, the parents are called. Second offense -- tobacco education. Third offense -- they have to sit out games.

Now this has raised a lot of objections. Some people think it should be up to the parents, experts warn that certain cold medicines could lead to false positives.

But they all miss the bigger picture here.

The point is that our children must get used to the idea of urination on demand.

This may be a sensitive subject for some, and I don't mean to be crude ... but high school is a place where our children are supposed to learn the skills they'll need for the real world. 

And while it's fine to teach them trigonometry, calculus, ancient Sumerian history -- the fact is that the one skill they will need in the workplace of the future is the ability to fill the cup on demand.

Their jobs may depend on it. 

And let's face it, not everyone has the knack. I look around the men's room during intermission and I can see that some have the gift, others do not.

The schools are only trying to help. Remember: this is the era of personal responsibility. A time to raise children who not only HAVE values, but who can PROVE they have values. In the world of the future, you will indeed have to stand up for what you believe in. The boys, anyway.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SLOW PSYCHICS
Moved: 10/6/2000 7:18
CBS-SLOW PSYCHICS

SLOW INTRO:

Dateline Miami: Telephone psychics don't need licenses in Florida. But now, recruits for the nation's biggest psychic hotline must sign a sworn statement. To protect consumers against fraud, by order of the Attorney General's office, psychics must sign a sworn statement that they indeed ARE psychic.

The statement of clairvoyance is the key provision in a legal agreement between the Florida attorney general's office and Access Resources Services, which runs the Psychic Readers Network. 

Under the agreement, applicants who claim to be psychic but are not can be charged with perjury.

SLOW:

Under the agreement, applicants who claim to be psychic but are not can be charged with perjury.

SO let me get this straight: Florida consumers are now protected because psychics can no longer just PRETEND to be psychic, they actually have to SWEAR that they're psychic. 

Yeah -- makes sense -- because who better to know what ones own psychic abilities are - than a psychic! 

Although -- how about this -- just to make doubly sure -- the attorney general requires all CONSUMERS of psychic service to sign a statement swearing they're not GULLIBLE.

Heck -- then you wouldn't even NEED a consumer protection division anymore.

You see? The news....

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TEMPLE MOUNT
Moved: 10/6/2000 7:18
CBS-TEMPLE MOUNT 10/06/2000

What must He be thinking? This is DR...

It was supposed to be a day of rage at the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.... but the report now is that Israeli and Palestinian security cooperated to stop it. The young men who showed up to throw rocks got only a few off before the Palestinian security forces managed to disperse them.

This level of cooperation, we are told by news reports, has never happened before.

The situation at the Temple Mount is very strange. Here is a shrine sacred to Muslims and Jews, which is guarded by Israeli security forces, whose job it is to actually prevent Jews from praying there. As it was explained to me by a listener who has an office in the area, Jews can visit at appointed times, but the moment they attempt to pray, they are chased away, because prayer by Jews is considered a provocation to Muslims.

Can you imagine? For tempers to be so frayed that to pray at a shrine is considered a provocation?

In the last week, 70 people have been killed in the fighting over this shrine.

Now -- what is a shrine? A sacred place. A place where God is present. A place where you go to be one with Him.

That's why I wonder whether some of these places we call shrine are truly sacred places. You see if they WERE truly places where God is present, would he stick around to watch his children fight?

I can't imagine God would abide such a thing. I would think He'd move on. Move to a more peaceful place. And wait for truth-seekers to find Him in the new place.

If the shrine causes more discord than harmony -- maybe it means God's moved on. I just hope He doesn't move out all together.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS VICE PRESIDENT
Moved: 10/6/2000 7:18
CBS-VICE PRESIDENT 10/06/2000

The peoples' ticket. This is DR...

I got this e-mail: Hi Dave,

'After the VP d-bait I've made my decision! Cheney/Lieberman is 
a good match...may I suggest a "write-in"?'

The debate between VP candidates Dick Cheney and Joe Lieberman was 90 minutes ... of POLICY discussion. Network execs must have been tearing their hair out -- where are the put-downs? The catchy phrase like "fuzzy math" and "risky tax schemes?"

The strange thing was, as I watched, I actually began to appreciate better the philosophical differences. The Democrats want to use tax policy to reward certain behavior -- like we reward home buyers with mortgage deductions. The republicans want to cut taxes for everyone -- yes, even if it means the rich get more back than the middle class.

And there was a streak of independence:

There's Joe Lieberman, democrat, threatening action against Hollywood smut and admitting he'd changed his mind on Social Security. And there's Dick Cheney, Republican, sounding tolerant toward homosexuals, and shying away from a stand on the abortion pill.

You had two candidates who didn't make it sound like you'd have to be an idiot to agree with the other guy. No frustrated sighs, no smirks, no rubber-faced expressions, only the politest of interruptions. It was everything politics HASN'T been in the last few years. 

I think in the last few years we've tended to vote for a candidate not because we LIKE him so much as because the 30-second ads have conditioned us to hate his sleazeball opponent.

But how can you hate THESE guys? They're so low-key. SO erudite. Such ... gentlemen.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS YUGOSLAVIA
Moved: 10/6/2000 7:18
CBS-YUGOSLAVIA 10/06/2000

The Democracy virus spreads. This is DR...

I've witnessed a few revolutions -- the huge demonstrations in East Berlin in defiance of the Stasi after the Berlin Wall was opened. The demonstrations that filled Wenceslas Square in Prague as the army stood by just around the corner. And the revolution in Moscow in 1991 that made Boris Yeltsin a hero.

In each case, thousands of people suddenly realized that they were stronger than the secret police. And in each case, the army decided not to fire on those who were after all, their neighbors.

This is not a good time for tyrants. The world is too interconnected. In Russia in 1991, the revolution used fax machines -- in Serbia in 2000, it used e-mail and the Internet.

Throughout the Serbian crisis many of us in the US could monitor a Belgrade Radio Station called B92. Its transmitter was taken over by the regime, but the Internet reports continued... on Thursday, the dispatches went out every few minutes.

At 11:30 a.m. it reported the decision to throw out the Presidential election results. 

At 3:08 p.m. it reported the arrival of the protestors at the parliament building -- their vehicles plastered with stickers saying, "Where Is My Vote?" 

43 minutes later it reported that the police had given up trying to hold the crowd back. Two hours later, it reported that the first cordon of police came over and joined the rebels. 

I've heard that Serbia is one of those countries where everybody has a gun. But the revolution didn't succeed because citizens engaged the army in gun battles -- it succeeded because controlling what people think is harder than ever.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS DEBATE PROTEST
Moved: 10/5/2000 9:03
CBS-DEBATE-PROTESTS 10/03/2000

The one protest everybody can identify with. This is DR...

As the big debate goes on inside at the University of Massachusetts, the protests will go on OUTSIDE. The ``porcine pranksters'' will be there in their pig suits to campaign for vegetarianism -- which inexplicably failed to make either candidate's agenda.

Anti-death penalty protesters plan to march. Senior citizens rallied to protest the cost of prescription drugs.

About 30 supporters of the excluded third party candidates boarded the Boston Tea Party ship and tossed television sets overboard.

But there is one protest that I think everyone who lives in a major city can identify with.

Some students at the University of Massachusetts have demanded reimbursement for the two days the campus will be shut for the debates.

They have to shut down the campus for TWO days to pull off these debates?

Sheesh! 

Last week here in Seattle traffic came to a stop on the Eastside and we found out that the reason was ... Dick Cheney. He was visiting an elementary school to read them stories or something. That's a wonderful thing to do -- but did the secret service really have to close off all the freeway ramps? Did it require a full motorcade?

That ticks people off.

People expect to sit in traffic jams from time to time -- but for a VICE presidential candidate to meet with the third grade?

I suppose we have to do this for a PRESIDENTIAL candidate, but maybe if at least the VICE presidential candidates had to sit in traffic, or -- how about this: wait in line for a drivers license! -- they wouldn't have to try so hard connecting with the voters.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS DEBATE2
Moved: 10/5/2000 9:03
CBS-DEBATE2 10/03/2000

Words words words. This is DR...

Between 60 and 75 million people are expected to watch tonight's debate between Bush and Gore.

And this year, the spinning won't wait for the end of the debate -- it will go on DURING the debate. The Bush people will have a website, debatefacts.com, which promises "real-time fact checking." Just in case Al Gore starts taking credit for things again.

Isolating the neutrino, or something.

And both sides know what they have to do: Bush has to avoid his tendency to lapse into Bush-Lip when he speaks; Gore has to avoid looking like a smug know-it-all, and practice moving his head independently of the rest of his body once in a while.

But you know all this. It's been reported time and time again. The trouble is the debates are all just words. Words words words. We're going to elect a president based on which candidate could pass the Jeopardy audition.

And we still won't know what they can actually do! Only what they SAY they'll do.

Well the election is still a month away. There's still time to issue the candidates a REAL challenge.

For example, in the case of Bush, who says some of your Social Security money should go into the stock market -- let's see his stock picks! Have him pick five stocks which he thinks will give me a better return than Social Security, and let's see where they are in a month.

In the case of Al Gore, who is so plugged into high tech, lets see him start an internet company with positive cash flow.

And since they both believe in student testing, and they'll both be in Massachusetts -- let's see THEIR scores on the 10th grade Massachusetts Comprehensive Assessment Test.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DEBATE3
Moved: 10/5/2000 9:03
CBS-DEBATE 3 10/4/2000

Who won? This is DR...

I've heard people absolutely convinced that Gore won, I've heard people absolutely convinced that Bush won.

As Al Gore would say, (SIGH). What's a voter to do. They even dressed like twins. It was like some bizarre version of the Patty Duke Show.

Mr. Bush seemed a little over his head on Yugoslavia. But then I think he had better control of his facial expressions than Gore. I think Gore's being coached by an appliance salesman... I think he's being coached by the kind of guy who gets a little too excited about a rotisserie. 

Even their stories about ordinary people were no help.

Bush told us about the Strunk family who make $51,000, pay $3,500 in taxes, and would get $1,800 of tax relief under his plan. Very generous. But all I could think was that if I were the Strunks, I'd be telling Bush to quit sharing my personal finances with 75 million people.

Gore told us about Winifred Skinner, who travels with her poodle and has to collect cans seven days a week to pay for her prescription drugs. Gore is going to fight for her. But does this woman really need some new legislation? What she needs is more money -- now! When I heard THAT story all I could think was let's stop the debate and HELP this poor woman. Why don't we all send her a dollar? If every one of us just sends her a dollar, she won't have to worry about prescription drug plans, or social security -- the only thing she'll have to worry about is the estate tax. 

So who won? Hard to tell -- although since Ralph Nader was successfully turned away at the door -- I guess you could argue they BOTH won.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DEBATE4
Moved: 10/5/2000 9:03
CBS-DEBATE4 10/04/2000

Promises, promises. This is DR...

Let's go over the promises: from Al Gore -- all the Social Security you're presently entitled PLUS additional investment incentives; tax cuts for the middle class, lump of coal for the upper class; prescription drug benefits for ALL seniors rich or poor, tax cuts for the middle class, and testing for students and teachers.

For George W. Bush -- most of the Social Security you're presently entitled to, with investment incentives that could make you richer than Gore's plan would, tax cuts for EVERYBODY regardless of class, prescription drug benefits for ALL seniors over time, but starting with the poorest; and testing for students and teachers.

So there ARE indeed differences, but the general thrust is the same: no matter who's elected we are all going to be better off in four years than we are now.

Here's what we haven't heard. Since this is the era of personal responsibility, and since both men believe in personal responsibility, how will they take personal responsibility if they CAN'T deliver on any of this stuff? If Mr. Gore can't pass social security reform or prescription drug reform, will he resign in disgrace? Remember -- we're talking about senior citizens who may not have a lot of time to wait for this stuff. If Bush passes his tax plan, and the Strunk family of Allentown Pennsylvania -- who he keeps referring to -- does NOT get the $3500 he says they'll get -- will he hop Marine One for a one way trip to San Clemente?

I know -- we'll file a class action suit against the winning party, and confiscate all their soft money.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS MOVIES2
Moved: 9/28/2000 13:39
CBS-MOVIES-2

Will the guidelines work? This is DR...

Entertainment executives have agreed to twelve voluntary guidelines to make sure that young teens don't see R-rated movies.

They had to do something -- especially after the Parents Television Council released the results of a survey showing that so far this month, 83 percent of the movies advertised on network television between 8 and 9 p.m.-- carried R ratings.

Well, THAT won't happen again. 

ABC pledged to stop airing ads for R-rated movies earlier than 9 p.m. The Fox network will air no R-rated movie ads during programs in which a third of the audience is under age 17, and their studio divisions also promises to exercise similar restraint when PLACING ads.

PLUS, the studios promise not to show previews for R-rated movies before a G-rated film; PLUS, they will not "knowingly" include children under 17 in audiences for research screenings.

So I think the message is that from now on, as far as your kids are concerned, R-rated movies will drop off the face of the earth. In a few years, your kids won't even know that R-rated films exist. When you ask them "What would you like to see this weekend" they'll say "Ice Dancing."

I can see only one small loophole.

In every school, there's always at least one kid who somehow gets into all the "R" movies and then tells the other kids how cool they are. He wears the T-shirt, he has the stickers on his notebook. And pretty soon word of mouth has your kids wanting to go to this movie even if he hasn't seen a single ad.

SO the guidelines are fine, provided we make sure that at beginning of the school year, the school resource officers fan out and ARREST THIS KID.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MOVIES BLANKS
Moved: 9/28/2000 13:39
CBS-MOVIES BLANKS

[Words in CAPS read by large group of voices]

Fill In The Blanks. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Time for another edition of Fill In The Blanks. It works very simply: I read an all-too familiar news story, and you just fill in the ... BLANKS. Very good.

Here we go!

Dateline Washington. In a Senate hearing Wednesday, members of the Senate asked Hollywood executives why they are marketing violent movies to TEENAGERS.

They want Hollywood to STOP IT NOW because parents are AT THEIR WITS END.

Senators said they were absolutely, positively against CENSORSHIP, then threatened to pass legislation that sounded a lot like CENSORSHIP.

Entertainment executives were quick to point out that R-rated movies include films like SAVING PRIVATE RYAN.

But they said that when they found out that R-rated movies were being marketed to children, they were SHOCKED, and promised to Senators that IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

This shows that the the number one job of a studio executive is to make sure that YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOUR IS COMPANY IS DOING until THE SENATE TELLS YOU.

The entertainment executives promise to adopt a set of 12 VOLUNTARY GUIDELINES, which will make absolutely sure that no kid will ever be able to see an R-rated movie, unless it's SAVING PRIVATE RYAN.

They say their advertising practices are UNDER CAREFUL REVIEW.

Because whatever they do, they don't want to stop kids from seeing SAVING PRIVATE RYAN.

They warned that if Congress passes legislation, it would inhibit ARTISTIC FREEDOM, which the studios need if they're going to make more versions of SAVING PRIVATE RYAN. 

Which is THE ONLY KIND OF FILM THEY MAKE.

------------------------------- 
Index 

CBS MOVIES
Moved: 9/27/2000 10:01
CBS-MOVIES 9/27/2000

Caught. R-handed. This is DR...

Top studio executives now have a voluntary plan to limit the marketing of R-rated films to children. Motion Picture Association of America President Jack Valenti says the industry plans to take ``a fresh look'' at the it markets films.

Wow! The movie industry is suddenly so cooperative! Almost as cooperative as the tobacco companies have become!

Why, you ask?

Because Congress has the documents. The documents show that before the Sylvester Stallone Movie Judge Dredd was released -- a film about anarchy in the streets, which includes a scene where a robot rips off a man's arms -- one of the focus groups included 100 kids ages 13-16.

When it came time to test the commercials for the film, the audience members were as young as 12.

And what did the research show? That young male teenagers loved it.

Same thing for the R-Rated enemy of the State -- Touchstone pictures invited 12-14 year olds to watch it. 

Both movies were produced by units for the Disney Company and according to the NYT, John Dreyer, a spokesman for the Disney Company, could not explain why Disney had used younger people for marketing research.

Could not explain. 

I can explain it. The reason they tested the ads on these young people was to determine how to best PROTECT them.

One the studio execs saw the returns and realized that their Rated movie had a strong appeal to kids who should not see it, they REDOUBLED their efforts to keep them out. In some cases PERSONALLY standing outside movie theatres to make sure they were not allowed in.

THAT'S why they do it!

Now this. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS DEBATES
Moved: 9/27/2000 10:01
CBS-DEBATES 9/27/2000

This is DR...

The poll numbers are in -- and Ralph Nader and Pat Buchanan have been officially excluded from next week's presidential debate.

Under the rules set by the Commission on Presidential Debates, candidates have to average 15 percent support in five major polls, and Nader, running on the Green ticket, and Buchanan on the Reform ticket are still in the single digits.

So -- surprise, surprise surprise! Only George W. Bush and Al Gore qualify.

Unless this changes, we are going to have three debates that will be basically the same except for the format.

This is too bad. 

I'm wondering, if the next time you get a call from a pollster, you would consider LYING. Maybe not lying; lying is bad. Maybe you would consider FIBBING.

Wouldn't it be great to have Ralph Nader asking the front runners what they plan to do in return for those 10,000 dollar contributions? Or even to have Pat Buchanan saying things like "both parties are so steeped in pork they have to be checked every six months for trichinosis?"

It can happen, but what you have to do is the next time a pollster calls you, and asks you who you plan to vote for, you have to give any name EXCEPT Bush and Gore.

There is no controlling legal authority that says you have to tell them who you will REALLY vote for.

So tell them a lie. Or a fib.

A lie is when you tell an untruth to someone who has a legitimate right to have the information These polls are basically for entertainment -- and it may be that at that moment you DO intend to vote for Ralph or Pat.

And if you change your vote on election day, fine. But in the meantime, why not cast a vote against tedium.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GORE YOUNG
Moved: 9/27/2000 5:07
CBS-GORE YOUNG 9/26/2000

We're young -- it doesn't matter. This is DR.. 

Al Gore is making the obligatory MTV stop today -- a town hall meeting with youngsters at the University of Michigan. 

He's doing it because of the high vote potential. A survey co sponsored by MTV found that only 46 per cent of young adults ages 18 to 24 say they are absolutely going to vote in November.

It's not that the young people don't have opinions -- they have very strong opinions. Many of us parents have heard those opinions expressed at extremely high volume. They just don't think voting makes any difference.

70 percent of the young adults in the poll said that the presidential election would have no effect on their lives whatsoever.

And I understand exactly what they're thinking. 

What does it matter who the President is? In times of peace and prosperity, who even needs a national government? 

You could argue that if any politician has an effect on your life its it's the local officials in charge of the roads, the schools, the police.

But even THEY don't affect your life as much as someone who isn't elected at all -- 
YOUR BOSS! There's the guy who REALLY runs your life. For eight hours a day, maybe more, you are OWNED by the MAN. So what difference does some stupid election make?

Well, that's true. Except for one thing -- who sets the rules that determine how "the man" is allowed to treat you? Who sets the rules on whether you can form a union? If "the man" fires you because you're a little too gay, or a little too Christian, a little too white or a little too black -- whose job is it to enforce the Constitution?

The head of MTV?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS STADIUMS
Moved: 9/27/2000 5:07
CBS-BASEBALL 9/26/2000

Payback time. This is DR....

The Fox Network has made a bid for baseball's entire postseason TV contract starting next season. Right now Fox shares the rights with NBC and ESPN -- so that you never know from night to night where your game is going to be.

But now, Fox has offered to buy it all, and pay baseball TWICE what it gets now -- 480 million a year form the next six years. Total value of the deal -- around 2.9 BILLION dollars. Just for the post season!

What does this mean? That Fox is nuts? Who cares whether Fox is nuts? If this contract goes through, what it means is that baseball gets 2.9 billion dollars, which is more than enough to re-imburse the taxpayers for the stadiums they've built.

Plenty of money to reimburse the taxpayers of Illinois for the $200 million they spent to replace Comiskey Park

Plenty of money to roll back the half cent stadium sales tax increase in Cincinnati, the Coors Field tax in Colorado, and the Miller Park sales tax in the Milwaukee area.

More than enough to pay off the 180 million taxpayers spent for Enron Field in Houston... There might even be enough to payoff the 390 million tax dollars spent on the Mariners Safeco FIeld.

I hear all this talk from Republicans and Democrats about how terrible corporate welfare is... but we never hear about paying it back. Well imagine -- a presidential candidate who stood up and declared that major league baseball should use its TV revenue to reimburse taxpayers and repeal stadium taxes!

The stunning silence on this topic is remarkable. You'd almost think that -- ha ha -- team owners -- ha ha -- were major campaign contributors.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NADER
Moved: 9/27/2000 5:07
CBS-NADER 9/25/2000

Nader stumps for votes. This is DR....

I was up in the 300 level Saturday night in Seattle as a collection of WTO haters, disenchanted non-voters, and a surprising number of regular looking middle class people -- gathered at Key Arena for a Ralph Nader rally.

About 8,000 people paid ten bucks to watch the corporate establishment get a groin kick. To hear warm up speakers who used phrases like "World wide corporate foxes of greed."

To hear Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam performed unplugged -- and finally, after TWO HOURS and twenty minutes and a burst of confetti -- to hear Ralph Nader himself.

Welcome to the politics of Joy and Justice, he said. And he proceeded to take great joy in the idea of bringing the rich to justice.

To those who would dismiss him as an extremist -- he said the REAL extremism is when corporations corrupt elections by pouring money into them. When banks engage in redlining. When media companies pump out entertainment that amounts to electronic child molestation.

He dismissed Al Gore as timid, and dismissed GWB as a giant corporation disguised as a human being.

Then he listed the specific things he'd do -- public financing of campaigns, universal health insurance, jail terms for corporate criminals -- he went on for an hour and forty minutes and the most amazing part of it was -- MOST PEOPLE STAYED.

The short attention span generation stuck around. 

I said to myself -- now HERE's a guy who comes across as the genuine article. Here's a guy who don't sound like any other candidate running.

And I also said to myself -- here's a guy who will NEVER be allowed to get anywhere NEAR those presidential debates.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GAS PRCES
Moved: 9/27/2000 5:07
CBS-GAS PRICES 9/25/2000

Stop being so cynical. This is DR....

I've noticed something very disturbing. I've noticed that many of you think the President's decision to release oil from the government's strategic petroleum reserve was a political decision -- even though you've been told repeatedly that it is NOT.

This was NOT a political decision -- repeat after me -- NOT a political decision. The vice President said so himself. 

This is something that would have been done anyway. Even if we WEREN'T six weeks away from an election. Even if the President's wife wasn't running in New York. 

Repeat after me -- this would have been done anyway.

I know, the pollsters have a list of five states that are considered battleground states crucial for a victory in November: New Jersey, Illinois, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Michigan. 

And as you'll notice, in addition to being battle ground states, they are states that get COLD. But this is -- repeat after me -- Another coincidence.

Now you see, some of you Republicans are not joining in ... you seem to be smirking.

So I guess if there was a Republican in the White House, locked in a close race he'd say, go ahead and freeze, see if I care? Yeah, right. You'd just do the Republican version. You'd tap into the strategic sweater reserve.

Well, speaking as an ordinary voter, I say we stop being cynical and just get what we can.

It's six weeks before the election -- a golden time full coincidental goodies just waiting to be plucked.

If we play our cards right we may find that there's a strategic light beer reserve.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BREASTS
Moved: 9/22/2000 7:42
CBS-BREASTS 9/21/2000

Feel the love. This is DR...

We may think we are a free people, but some of us are freer than others.

Dateline Berkeley. Last week, the ninth annual Breast Freedom parade was held in People's park. Debbie Moore, one of the organizers, urged her fellow nudists to feel themselves as a womb where creation can happen, by standing in a circle of energy.

For thirty days, she told the crowd, "I have walked with my breasts exposed all around Berkeley.... I bring my love out through my flesh -- I encourage you to send your love out through your flesh."

Then, after touching bellies to gain mutual energy, participants joined arms to form a human birth canal, and ended up in front of a bookstore.

While some customers were not amused, Ferris Frye, a Berkeley Law student, admitted to a reporter that he was there on purpose to see the naked people, because its cheaper than cable.

But participants said the demonstration was about more than that. 
Meagan Rosset, a massage therapist, "I am a larger woman, and I am comfortable with my body. There are certain bodies that society is uncomfortable with, and part of this for me is to break down some of that fear..."

Well, we certainly know what she means. Of course, all of us secretly wish we could walk around naked. All of us are eager to send our love through our flesh. But we must face reality, and reality is that some people's flesh does not express love so much it expresses lack of exercise. The reason we keep our clothes on is not because we want to inhibit ourselves, but because we do not wish to traumatize others.

And that too can be a loving act.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WHITEWATER
Moved: 9/22/2000 7:42
CBS-WHITEWATER 9/21/2000

Time to fold the tent. This is DR...

Don't you feel like a part of America has died? This week, the office of Independent Counsel Robert Ray concluded that there was "insufficient evidence" to file any charges against President or Hillary Clinton in connection with the Whitewater investigation. After spending six years investigating at least seven criminal allegations against the Clintons, the office determined that the evidence was insufficient to prove to a jury beyond a reasonable doubt that either President Clinton or Mrs. Clinton knowingly participated in any criminal conduct.

The investigation is over. 

But there is still hope. There is a still a chance America's Whitewater industry can spin this in a way that keeps it alive. The Wall Street Journal editorial page took the first stab at it -- with a piece called "The cover up WORKED."

It is "by no means an exoneration of the Clintons for their conduct in either Whitewater or the White House" said the editors. If anything, the lack of indictments just PROVES how effectively the evidence was destroyed or withheld.

Now THIS argument has potential -- and well beyond Whitewater.

A lot of Americans are skeptical about the conduct of corporate officials. And yet, many times, the written evidence just isn't there. Look how long it took to find those incriminating tobacco company memos! 

But imagine how much more QUICKLY the tobacco case, the Microsoft case, the upcoming tire case -- imagine how QUICKLY these could be conducted if we had laws based on the Journal's editorial policy: namely that in some cases, the very lack of evidence is all the evidence you need.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WHALES
Moved: 9/22/2000 7:42
CBS-WHALES 9/22/2000

Giving their bodies to science. This is DR...

The International Whaling Commission has banned commercial whaling -- with only a few exceptions. Those exceptions include research to gather information on migration, eating patterns and pollution levels.

And so, with that in mind, the Japanese research whaling fleet set out to sea And when it returned, it had in tow 88 whales caught in the North Pacific.

Now normally this wouldn't even bear mentioning because research ships come and go every day. But in THIS case, Environmentalists are alleging that the Japanese aren't killing the whales for research. They allege the Japanese are killing the whales for dinner.

Now -- is this a FAIR criticism? I looke dup the Japanese policy on whaling research, and it turns out that what the environmentalists call killing is not actually killing. Japan calls it lethal research. They do SOME non-lethal research, but Japanese scientists say that to determine the age of the whale, what it's been eating, the presence of chemical pollution, you have to do lethal research.

And you can't just rely on the information from one whale, in this case, you need 88.

US policy makers don't buy this -- they've decided to deny Japan some fishing rights in U.S. waters in retaliation. 

But we mustn't jump to conclusions here. Even though some whale meat does end up on Japanese dinner tables, they are an ally, and we have to believe them when they say that it's for scientific research. 

It's just that some nations like their scientific research broiled. With maybe a light pepper sauce.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ATM
Moved: 9/22/2000 7:42
CBS-ATM 9/22/2000

A fee to far. This is DR...

We're used to the banks changing their names. Or fingerprinting us when we cash a check. Or making us pay mysterious fees.

But Jeremy Knapp of Seattle was not prepared for THIS:

One day, he was at the Market Time Market in Seattle's Fremont Neighborhood. Being short of cash, he walked up to an unmarked ATM and put in his card. The machine warned him he was about to be charged $1.50, but he was prepared to pay.... until he looked at his receipt. What did he see on his receipt? He saw the $1.50 withdrawal charge. But he also saw something else. Printed, ON the receipt, was the BankAmerica logo. Next to it was the BankAmerica name. And next to that was a phone number, which, when when he called it, connected him to... a BankAmerica customer service representative.

In a flash of insight, Jeremy concluded that this ATM, even though unmarked, was owned by BankAmerica. The problem is that Jeremy's money is DEPOSITED at BankAmerica. Which meant that Jeremy had just been charged, not for using ANOTHER bank's ATM, but for using his OWN bank's ATM -- in violation of the bank's own policy.

BankAmerica has since revealed that it has 45 undercover ATMs in Washington State, and Jeremy has now filed what may turn into a class action suit.

I'm sure it wasn't intentional. It must be some kind of mistake... 

You know how sometimes you're in a hurry to install the ATM and you forget to put the logo up? Got to be a mistake.

Let's see now -- what do the banks charge US each time WE make a mistake?

Brou ha ha ha!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS OIL
Moved: 9/22/2000 5:00
CBS-OIL 9/21/2000

To the rescue again! This is DR...

This is a wonderful time to be an American -- because we have at least two superheroes running for president. They will rescue our schools from the clutches of mediocrity. They will save us from dirty movies. And this week, they are saving us from the rising cost of heating oil!

That's the new issue in the campaign: which candidate will make sure we don't freeze.

Mr. Bush says it's Al Gore's fault that heating oil getting so expensive. So Mr. Gore has to prove he isn't soft on wind chill. And he's already got a program: a heating oil reserve for the Northeast, tax credits, and subsidies. He'll tell the President to release oil from the strategic petroleum reserve -- you've heard of the strategic petroleum reserve: that's the oil the military's been storing up in the event it needs to keep New York voters warm.

We've haven't had this much action on oil prices since 1996. Sure hope it never gets cold in an OFF year!

See, I can't help thinking that keeping the oil flowing is the responsibility of OIL companies. It's THEIR job, and they ought to do it, or suffer the consequences.

This is the era of personal responsibility, right? So here's an idea. If oil runs short, hold the CEOs of the OIL companies personally responsible.

I don't mean drag them to Washington to listen to Senators yell at them. I don't mean indict them for racketeering. No. I say if oil runs short, the Energy department sends an agent to the oil executives home and rips his thermostat off the wall. So he has to freeze like the rest of us.

He'll remember that.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS GORE STORIES
Moved: 9/22/2000 5:00
CBS-GORE STORIES 9/21/2000

A man and his dog. This is DR...

Almost every day I get a fax from House Republican leader Dick Armey, pointing out to me the latest Democratic screw ups. 

The latest is headlined -- Vice President's Prescription Plan, a dog's tale.

You see, Vice President Gore tells a story about his mother in law and what she pays for her arthritis medicine. He points out that his dog SHILOH takes the same medicine, and yet the capsules for his mother in law cost three times as much as the capsules for the dog: $108 a month for Mom, only $37.80 per month for Shiloh. He uses the story to slam the messed up pricing system for drugs.

Except the Boston Globe found out that's not the actual price his Mother In Law pays, that's the WHOLESALE price, quoted from a study done by the Democrats.

Liar liar pants on fire! The Republican release questions whether the vice President even HAS a dog. And if he does, is it really named Shiloh. Bad press for any candidate.

Anyway, today we got to the truth. The vice President's people admitted he was using the wholesale price to make the comparison, and released the actual price that his mother in law pays, for her Lodine. $2.13 per capsule. And the actual price for the dog is 92 cents. 

So now, the message is clear. All of you who let Al Gore convince you that prescription drugs were too high, all of you who fell for that line that his mother in law pays three times as much for her arthritis medication as the dog -- the truth is that she only pays 2.3 times as much as the dog. Feel better?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS HUMANE
Moved: 9/20/2000 7:54
CBS-HUMANE 9/20/2000

[SLOW INTRO] 

Today's topic is food labeling. 

Dateline WASHINGTON (AP) -- The government will allow certain farmers to display a "Free Farmed" label assuring consumers that they treat their animals according to standards developed by the American Humane Association.

The new program comes after McDonald's began forcing suppliers to apply humane standards to egg farms, giving the hens more room.

The standards include rules for humane treatment of hogs, beef cattle, and BROILER chickens.

Let's read that part REAL SLOW:

"Humane treatment of BROILER chickens."

I guess the problem I have is putting the terms "Humane treatment" and "Broiler chicken" in the same sentence, because it implies that you plan to pamper an animal you intend to BROIL. Isn't that a little dishonest?

If the chicken is smart enough to appreciate the higher living standards, wouldn't he also be smart enough to wonder where his friends are disappearing to?

This new label raises a thorny philosophical question: is it worse to kill a depressed animal, or a cheerful animal?

Which is worse -- putting an animal out of its misery, or putting an animal out its happiness. When you bite into a humanely-raised drum stick, will you be thinking as you chew, "Mmmm! This was once connected to a HAPPY chicken?"

Food was once so simple.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS HAND WASHING
Moved: 9/19/2000 12:52
CBS-HAND WASHING 9/19/2000

The decline of civilization. This is Dave Ross... 

The American Society for Microbiology has determined that at least one third of us are disgusting. 

First I should tell you the Society ran a telephone survey in which 95% of those they called said yes of course we wash our hands before leaving the restroom. Great news.

But just to check, they sent actual observers to public restrooms in New York, Chicago; New Orleans; other cities, and found that about one third of the restroom users didn't WASH THEIR HANDS at ALL. Just went right out the door and started touching things. Handling coins, handling fruit, ... And in New York City, 51% of those using the rest rooms at Grand Central and Penn stations didn't wash!

And if 51% don't wash with the American Society for Microbiology standing there watching them, imagine what happens when NOBODY's watching! Yuck.

It also shows that people are big fat liars -- they say one thing over the phone, then do another thing after they hang up. Yeech. I don't want these people even TOUCHING a phone.

Just in case no one ever told you, you're supposed to use water and soap, wash for at least 15 seconds, get under the nails, rinse thoroughly, dry well, dispose of the paper towel. I'm not sure why they have to tell you to dispose of the paper towel, unless some of you have been keeping it for re-use.

There was ONE piece of good news: 75% of the people surveyed DO wash their hands after changing a diaper. But then that means 25% DON'T. 

Yuck! Never mind mosquitos; we need to spray each other.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ROTTWEILERS
Moved: 9/19/2000 12:52
CBS-ROTTWEILERS 9/18/2000

Canine love. This is DR...

I know exactly how this story will be used. It will be used to ridicule California again as a state full of ultra-liberal animal rights weirdos. But let's go over the news dispatch first. 

Dateline, Newport Beach. A California jury will be deciding whether there is a sacred marital bond between two ROTTWEILERS. When 55 year old Patti Dalby met Brooks Brann 3 years ago, she already had a rottweiler named Roxanne. When they decided to set up house, they adopted another one named Guinness.

Then the human romance soured. Patti and Brooks broke up. But Patti says the Rottweiler romance flourished. Roxanne and Guinness bonded.... even though Roxannes' been spayed and Guinness has been neutered. 

The connection has became so deep, says Patti, that the dogs spend every hour of every day together and if any stranger even tries to pet Roxanne, Guinness will bark. Separate them, says Patti, and they could die of broken hearts.

SO when Brooks sued her for custody of his dog, she decided to fight. She will ask the jury to find that the romantic relationship between the dogs trumps any ownership interest her ex boyfriend may have.

Is she a weirdo? No! She has a point, doesn't she? I can't speak for the dogs, but I think I speak for the rest of us when I say this country does NOT need any more ticked off Rottweilers.

If they're in love, and they don't want to be broken up, and they're Rottweilers, move them to Vermont and let them marry.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS TERRORISM MANUAL
Moved: 9/18/2000 12:23
CBS-TERRORISM MANUAL 9/18/2000

Finally, one for the good guys. This is DR...

US Intelligence officials are reporting that they have received a CD-ROM containing some of the deepest secrets of arch-terrorist Osama bin Laden -- the renegade Saudi millionaire suspected of bombings including two US embassies in East Africa in 1998. 

The CD-ROM is a copy of the six-volume, 1,000-page manual that he used to train budding terrorists at his camps in Afghanistan. USA Today reports that there's information on how to recruit followers, how to conduct terrorist operations, how to assemble bombs. 

A gold mine, said one terrorism expert -- a chance to get inside his operation. But why are we being told this? Why is the usually tight-lipped intelligence community spreading the news.

Well, I'm only guessing, but... this has been a bad year for U-S secrets: The State Department losing a laptop computer containing nuclear and biological weapons proliferation, those two hard drives that disappeared at Los Alamos then re-appeared behind the copy machine, and of course, the tapes packed with warhead data that may or may not have been mishandled by Wen Ho Lee, who was released last week.

So by releasing this information, we are being given a little reassurance -- those of us who feel these spies have violated our personal space -- we are getting reassurance, however slight, that for once, somebody ELSE is misplacing secret documents.

Yes, a lot of this stuff is on the Internet anyway, but it's still refreshing to have the bad guys screw up once in a while.

Now this. 
Index 

CENSORCH.CBS 09/17/00 8:1
Moved: 9/18/2000 12:17
CENSORCH.CBS 09/18/00

The perfect tax. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Tonight, Al Gore and Joe Lieberman hold yet ANOTHER Hollywood fundraiser -- leaving skeptics to wonder whether they are really committed to doing something about sex and violence on the big screen.

Would Al Gore REALLY impose penalties on an industry that's giving his campaign 20 million dollars.

I think he would. Because we now have a model for teaching renegade industries a lesson in a way that makes everyone happy: the tobacco settlement.

Remember how America taught the tobacco industry a lesson? Slapped it with with a huge out of court settlement. Its executives were finally forced into the most painful decision of their careers -- to raise cigarette prices.

Oh, the agony! To have so much money coming in, and having to send it directly to the government! And yet, they manage to stay profitable, don't they? Indeed it is now in the government's interest to KEEP them profitable because were they to go bankrupt, the payments would stop.

So now Hollywood is next! Sanctions for marketing to children! And how will they be paid? I see the day when Hollywood executives, like tobacco executives, will be forced into the most painful decision of their careers -- to raise ticket prices.

And you watch! The makers of fatty foods are next! Until case by case, industry after industry will be forced to make damage payments to the government. And eventually, all public services can be paid for by the very groups nobody likes -- people who smoke, watch dirty movies, and eat fat.

Has there even been a more perfect tax?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CAMPAIGN3
Moved: 9/15/2000 7:29
CBS-CAMPAIGN3

America -- we've had a personality eruption. This is DR...

Who was that guy on Letterman last night?

TAPE:

I think that was Al Gore -- getting laughs ON PURPOSE:

TAPE:

He has SEX appeal.

TAPE:

He was even able to bring out Letterman's deep interest in Global warming:

TAPE:

Wait -- could this be the reason Bush suddenly wants those debates?

Only a few days ago he American people didn't want those stodgy official debates, we were told. They wanted talk show appearances with personality!

TAPE:

I guess stodgy debates are OK again.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS THONGS
Moved: 9/15/2000 7:27
CBS-THONGS 9/14/2000

What are those wacky high school kids up to now! This is DR...

These teens are getting so out of hand I can't believe I was ever one myself. First they don't want to pledge during the pledge, then they don't want to be silent for the moment of silence ... and now this:

Dateline SALINAS, California, a direct quote from the on-line edition of the San Jose Mercury News, "To life liberty and the pursuit of happiness, teenage girls at Salinas High School are now demanding the addition of the inalienable right to wear THONG UNDERWEAR."

You heard right! There was actually a protest by teenage girls at Salinas high for the right to wear thong underwear no matter what the dress code says. About 20 girls chanted "We wear thongs" and among the signs they carried was one that said "Pay attention to our minds not our panties."

-- I'm sure THAT was good PR.

And coming at a time when Congress is going to so much trouble trying to keep our young boys pure!

Can it possibly be that despite all the sex education they get, teenage girls still do not understand what happens to teenage boys when they announce to the world what kind of underwear they have on?

Could it be that do not understand that it can send a boy's brain into blue screen mode, unresponsive to any other stimuli?

Ha! On the contrary. They know EXACTLY what's going on. 

There's only one solution. Our schools need a Moment of Modesty at the beginning of the school day - 60 seconds during which all cleavage, belly buttons, and panty lines must be covered up.

Nip this in the bud people! Before these kids recruit others into their heterosexual lifestyle.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS E MAIL BECCA
Moved: 9/15/2000 7:26
CBS-E-MAIL-BECCA 9/15/2000

E-mail to daveross.com. This is DR...

This week I asked for calls on my talk show from parents who would like a representative of the government to come to their homes and help them protect their children from R-rated enertainment. And I got a few calls from people who said they feel helpless to control what their kids see.

Which prompted this e-mail from a parent named Becca:

Dear Dave,

What fools we have been! It seems that we have been going about
parenting the hard way. We have been wasting a lot of time and energy
on teaching our children how to view commercials with a critical eye and
how to make proper choices for themselves. We've wasted our breath on
explanations of why we didn't want them to watch a video that we felt
was inappropriate and tried our patience when we had to say no to a
sugary breakfast cereal. Apparently, all we really had to do was to ask
the government for help and they would ensure that our children would
never see any enticements for those tempting things.

But just think about how much easier it will be for our children when
they become parents. They will be able to plunk our grandchildren in
front of the TV all day long, and be assured that they will never see
anything that will confuse, frighten, or excite them and the only
commercials they will see will be for broccoli and educational toys,
they can take them to movies that will be bland and inoffensive and they
will never have to listen to their child throw a tantrum.

Yes Dave, we were fools. Little did we know that it was the
government's job to keep our children from whining.

Signed Becca.

And the funniest thing about Becca's letter is that if we sent it to Congress -- they'd think she was serious.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SCANDAL BLANKS
Moved: 9/15/2000 7:25
CBS-SCANDAL BLANKS 

[Words in CAPS read by large group of voices]

Fill In The Blanks. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Time for another edition of Fill In The Blanks. It works very simply: I 
read an all-too familiar news story, and you just fill in the ... 
BLANKS. Very good.

Here we go!

Dateline Washington. Reporters learned today of another allegation 
having to do with political FUNDRAISING. Right.

This time, it was disclosed that a politician sat down to a telephone 
for the purpose of making a PHONE CALL. He then dialed the number of a 
person who probably DRIVES A LEXUS. He asked this person to donate ONE 
HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS, because politicians love ROUND NUMBERS.

In asking for the money, he read from a SUSPICOUS MEMO which all 
politicians use because they want to make sure they GET CAUGHT. The fact 
that it's coming out right before the election is a COMPLETE 
COINCIDENCE.

The opposing party's candidate called this incident a matter of GRAVE 
CONCERN, and said this demonstrates once again that his opponent is THE 
SPAWN OF SATAN. 

The next step is CONGRESSIONAL HEARINGS, which will cost TWENTY MILLION 
DOLLARS and last for ELEVEN YEARS.

The result of these hearings will be A STACK OF PAPER SO HIGH IT WILL 
HAVE A SNOW CAP. All the details will be in THE WASHINGTON POST and will 
be VERY BORING.

The final report will conclude that the suspicious memo was written by a 
low level aide WHO HAD NO IDEA WHAT ANY OF THE WORDS MEANT, and that the 
memo was in fact NEVER READ BY ANYBODY. (PAUSE)

By the time this report comes out, everyone involved in the incident 
will ... BE DEAD. 
Index 

CBS SCOUTS3 9/12/00 8:17
Moved: 9/13/2000 7:17
CBS-SCOUTS3 9/12/00 8:17 PM-DLR

Congress defends scouting. This is Dave Ross on the CBS 
Radio Network.

Rep. Lynn Woolsey, D-Calif, proposed a bill that she knew would go 
nowhere - a bill to revoke the federal charter of the Boy Scouts. The 
Boy Scouts is one of about 90 organizations that hold these charters, 
documents bestowed by Congress on groups that it thinks do America 
proud.

But Rep Woolsey's bill argued that since the scouts discriminate against 
gays became official, it should no longer qualify for such a charter.

Well much to her surprise, whereas other Democratic bills of far more 
substance can languish for months in the GOP Congress, the leadership 
decided to give hers IMMEDIATE attention. And you can guess why.

As she desperately argued that she wasn't trying to say the Boy 
Scouts are bad, but that intolerance is bad, Republican after Republican 
denounced it as "an attack on the fundamental values of America by a 
small group of extremists."

"A denigration and assault on the Boy Scouts of America'' said Rep. Bob 
Barr, R-Ga.

And behind the outrage they were no doubt thinking "Thank you, Rep Woolsey -- we haven't had a morsel THIS juicy since Monica.

You have to wonder why some Democrats insist on making themselves such easy targets.

Rep. Woolsey even went so far as to urge President Clinton to resign as 
honorary president of the Boy Scouts, a position every President since 
Taft has held. 

Hey! Wait a second! If Clinton is honorary president of the Boy Scouts - 
he could just announce a change in police and say "Gays Welcome!"

But he's learned. He's already been impeached once.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS RATS
Moved: 9/13/2000 7:17
CBS-RATS 9/12/2000

The longest 30th of a second in broadcast history. This is DR.

I have to admit I didn't realize the Republicans were trying to brainwash me with a subliminal video frame.

Of course now, we've seen that single frame so many times, that if we weren't brainwashed before we sure are now. Every news broadcast -- RATS! RATS! I just can't figure out what I'm being brainwashed to DO. 

I don't know how I'll vote yet, but I do feel a sudden compulsion to watch the Survivor re-runs.

WAS it an accident that in the course of displaying the word "bureaucrats" part of the word that just happened to spell "RATS" appears for a 30th of a second? Like last week's comment into the open mike was an accident? Or was that subliminal too?

You have to wonder why wasn't it caught sooner? How could the conservatives who warned us of Disney's subliminal sex message in the Lion King have missed THIS??

I don't know. But you know what's REALLY weird?

That everybody is ignoring the REST of the campaign ad, which is far from subliminal, and depicts Al Gore as a guy who will order bureaucrats to sneak up on old folks and snatch their heart pills away.

There are 899 OTHER frames that contain a pretty serious slam -- but no, all the reporters wanted from Bush was a comment about that one extra frame:

TAPE 

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>CBS-258
Time: 13s
In-cue: 
Out-cue: OUGHT TO BE] 

Wait a minute -- did I hear what I thought I heard?

TAPE: Subliminable. 

Now they're trying to brainwash us with extra SYLLABLES!!

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS COMPUTER
Moved: 9/12/2000 7:04
CBS-COMPUTER 9/12/2000

Nerd Nation Under Fire. This is DR...

A group that is critical of the way technology is used in the classroom released a report today on the impact of computers on education. And guess what they found. It isn't good.

In the past five years public schools spent more than $27 billion on computers and cool stuff to plug into them, but there has been little evidence of ACADEMIC GAIN. 

That money, the report concludes, ought to go toward reducing class sizes, or repairing schools, If computers are doing anything, the report says, they're saddling children with repetitive stress, eye strain, and obesity while depriving them of language skills and the ability to form bonds with adults.

Yikes. Send the helicopters to spray Silicon Valley before they make more of these things!

There's just one problem with the study. It fails to mention the REAL reason computers are in the classrooms: because the parents want them there.

Every American parent now dreams of the day when little Billy runs home from school to show off his first page of bug-free code.

We parents firmly believe that reading and math are fine as far as they go -- but a kid who can write bug-free code? THAT is a ticket to a first class seat aboard the American Dream.

A kid who can write bug-free code at age 17 gets stock options by 21. And a kid who gets stock options by 21 can be a millionaire by age 26. And a kid who is a millionaire by 26 can set his parents up in a view home with a four car garage by the time they're ready to retire.

And if he never forms bonds with adults? That's what executive assistants are for.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS FTC REPORT 9/11/00 11
Moved: 9/12/2000 7:04
CBS-FTC REPORT 9/11/00 11:19 PM-DLR

As bad as the tobacco companies. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio 
Network.

The Federal Trade Commission has issued its report on the marketing of 
violence to children - and guess what! The entertainment industry 
markets violence to children!

Of 44 movies rated R for violence the Commission found that 35 of them 
were targeted to children under 17. That is - they were advertised in 
high schools or teen publications for the express purpose of attracting 
kids who supposedly aren't allowed to see them.

Of 55 music recordings with explicit content labels that were studied, 
every ONE was targeted to children under 17.

As for games: Of the 118 electronic games with a Mature rating for 
violence, 83 of them were aimed at kids under 17.

And the commission found that retailers make no effort to enforce the 
ratings. So we're forced to conclude that the free enterprise system has 
again left our children awash in depravity.

But wait - a thought occurs to me. Before kids can buy these games, they 
need one very important thing: money.

Now, where would a kid age 15 or 16 get that kind of money when 
presumably he's a full-time student living under his parents' roof ... 
could the problem be his ALLOWANCE? Now I'm sure that SOME parents might 
require the help of a federal agency to stop little Freddy from sneaking 
up to his room with shopping bags full of Godless filth, but another 
approach might be to just CUT OFF HIS ALLOWANCE. As for any money from his summer job -- straight into his retirement account.

He can buy the Godless filth when he's 59 1/2.

Now this. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS FIRESTONE 2
Moved: 9/11/2000 7:40
CBS-TIRES-2 9/7/2000

Not our fault! This is DR...

The President of Bridgestone, parent company of Firestone, is in the news today saying that the Firestone tire problem isn't a tire problem! The tires failed because of road damage, improper maintenance, and under-inflation.

It's a good product -- you people just don't know how to use it.

But if that's the case, there there is another question the President of Bridgestone ought to answer:

Why does his company insist on keeping the details of its court settlements secret?

The LA Times reports today that, like many companies who are sued over their products -- Bridgestone insists on strict confidentiality when it settles product liability lawsuits. The victims get their money, but only on condition that neither they nor their lawyers disclose any of the details. That means information on any defects remain secret; off-limits to everybody but the company.

It's not as if the companies are violating any law by doing this -- quite the contrary -- the law permits this and even ENCOURAGES it as a way to reach a settlement more quickly.

And yet -- you would think if a company REALLY believed in its product, it would have no problem disclosing this information -- as a way of instructing us in the proper use of our tires -- and to show us by their example that honesty is the best policy, even for corporations.

Otherwise Congress might just have to do something to pry it out of them. Congress, remember, came close to overturning an election because it decided that covering up the truth is BAD, even when it has NOTHING whatever to do with public safety. How much worse then, when a coverup has EVERYTHING to do with public safety?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS KNIGHT 9/11/2000
Moved: 9/11/2000 7:40
CBS-KNIGHT 9/11/2000

In his heart he knows he's right! This is DR

Bob Knight FIRED as coach at Indiana after 29 years -- because he corrected a kid for addressing him rudely. Using his last name instead of calling him "Mr" or "Coach."

This irony was noted by his supporters who point out once again that whatever you say about him -- he ran a clean program. The Hoosiers didn't have recruiting scandals, and they didn't have thugs on the team. Any kid who got in trouble with the law was off.

He taught loyalty, discipline, and respect.

He had STANDARDS. But he faced the same struggle as everyone who is convinced that their way is the only way. What to do about others who don't agree?

Mr. Knight certainly isn't unique. America is full of self-righteous people -- people who think that they're the only ones with any sense of tradition left in an America that's sinking into depravity. 

One of them is probably tailgating you right now.

They can't understand why the rest of us don't thank them for the help. And they get so frustrated at this ingratitude that sometimes they have no choice but to smack you with a piece of furniture.

I thought this concept was brilliantly summarized in a letter posted on the ESPN website today: "College Basketball is a big business and sometimes you have to be a jerk to make things happen."

America has a lot of jerks who justify their jerkdom the exact same way. Bob Knight may have acted like a jerk one time too many, but he certainly isn't alone. And if he is indeed a jerk, at least he's a clever one:

He negotiated a contract that - even though he's fired -- keeps paying him for the next two years.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BEVERLY HILLS MOPPETS
Moved: 9/8/2000 7:22
CBS-BEVERLY MILLS MOPPETS 9/8/2000

Ah, vacation! This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

One last week to reflect on summer vacation. How great it was when you were a kid. And what a strange concept it is now to think that we once had three months off! Today it's called "unstructured time" but for us, it was just ...Childhood. Kids being kids. 

How wonderful it was. And how passe!

The on-line magazine Salon-dot-com has an article written by a young woman who makes her living being a private tutor for the children of upper-crust Beverly Hills families -- the trend setters in Child Development.

She's a tutor, but she's not working with Ivy-league-bound teens -- No! She's teaching 3 year olds computer skills, early reading, and early math so they can get into just the right pre-school! 

Wealthy moms hand her lists of what little Janey has to know, hand her little Janey, and head out for a manicure. Wealthy dads schmooze other parents and even the faculty to make sure Junior plays with only the best playmates on the way to a great job bossing around the people who went to public school.

These kids don't get three months off like less fortunate kids. They get to be five-year-olds with performance anxiety. No wasting time learning how to ride a bike with no hands, or catch a fish -- they spend their summers preparing for the ten minute admission interview to Mickey Mouse prep.

Well, good luck. I imagine that someday, your kids will be there in the executive suite making sure my kids work sixty hour weeks like you did. I just hope to raise my kids with enough sense to quit when you do.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS COHABITATION
Moved: 9/8/2000 7:22
COEDROOM.CBS 09/07/00 9:09 PM-DLR 1:24 

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

It's finally happened - the deepest fear of every conservative; the 
fondest hope of every liberal, the thing that people who were against 
the Equal Rights Amendment warned us would happen if it ever passed: 
gender-neutral dorms.

Rutgers University, Haverford College, and Hampshire College have been 
allowing gender neutral apartments on campus. 

At Hampshire College these apartments are called MODS, and not only are 
the BATHROOMS co-ed, but the bedrooms too. It's the Friends lifestyle.

This is very disturbing to some parents, who, as they drop their kids 
off, are thinking to themselves "Oh, to have gone to this school when I 
was 18!" As for the colleges - they say it's all part of treating 
students like adults and letting them make their own choices.

Yeah well - I think it's a recruiting tool. Competition for students is 
so stiff that the plush student lounges, health clubs, and gourmet food 
are no longer enough. This is the next step: Ivy-covered love boats.

Co-ed rooms!

What a pitiful surrender to adolescent gratification! In my day if you 
wanted to get into a girl's room, you had to sneak in fair and square. 
You hid in a tiny closet in the dark, close to suffocation. We learned 
important job skills like how to sit very very still.

Now students have co-habitation HANDED to them. Wimps! Well, they'll 
learn.

Guys who think its pretty cool to have a girl in the room will find that 
it's very different when she never leaves.

Something about stepping over a roommates' old underwear that defuses 
the mystery of sex - as married couples quickly learn. 
Index 

CBS DEATH TAX 3
Moved: 9/8/2000 7:21
CBS-DEATH TAX 9/8/2000

The death tax lives. This is DR...

The death tax has survived -- and Americans are desperate. I admit to you I've never understood why the death tax bothers people so much. I always considered it the most moral tax there is, because it encourages taxpayers to keep living. It is very pro-life.

It is also pro-work. It keeps us from becoming a nation of dissolute heirs living off daddy's investments.

It also only applies to only 2% of taxpayers, and despite the claims you hear, it isn't breaking up family farms and businesses since both get special exemptions. The main problem is with cash and stocks. With those, you can only pass 1.35 million to your kids tax free.

But I realize that many of you hate the idea of the government picking over your corpse; you live in fear of being among the 2% who actually pay any death tax, so I've come up with a way to outsmart the government.

SPEND THE MONEY BEFORE YOU DIE!

The IRS is hoping you won't think of this, because it's a huge loophole in the death tax, but there it is! Until you die, you are free to spend your money, and there's nothing the IRS can do about it.

Now I know it's difficult; I know the older generation was raised in a tradition of thrift and old habits are hard to break, but let's keep our eye on the prize here. The reason you save money is to spend it eventually. So spend it! Start flying first class. Stay at five star hotels. Buy front row seats at the Opera. Buy premium at the pump. Buy prescription drugs WITHOUT going to Canada.

Send your kids a stern message to your kids that they'll have to find some way to get by on 1.35 million.

Now this.

This is DR.... 
Index 

CBS HANDSHAKE
Moved: 9/8/2000 7:21
CBS-HANDSHAKE 9/8/2000

The handshake felt 'round the world This is DR...

At first, White House spokesman Joe Lockhart denied it had taken place. Yes, President Clinton and Fidel Castro appeared to be chatting together during a lunch at the big UN summit going on in New York, they did NOT shake hands.

But then the truth came out. They chatted AND they shook hands. Secretary of State Madeleine Abrght tried to reassure everyone that it was chance enconter and totally without substance. But it still enraged some anti-Castro activitists who believe Castro should be treated like the Hollow Man.

"Another exercise in in poor judgement on the part of Mr Clinton," said a spokeswoman for the Cuban American National Federation.

Coming as this does at a time when a growing number of Congressman want to relax the Cuban embargo, everyone started looking for the symbolism. 

We all know the president could have avoided it. That's why they have food at these UN receptions -- you can carry around a couple of sandwiches and pretend you have no place to put them. And if you get hungry and actually EAT your sandwiches, you always have an aide nearby with emergency sandwiches.

But no, I think the truth is much simpler. In fact, I looked it up.

--- The handshake originated out of necessity during meetings between adversaries. 
They shook hands to demonstrate that they were not armed. It didn't mean they were FRIENDS, only that they weren't planning to kill each other just now.

So there's your spin, Joe. If the handshake had any symbolism, it's that the president considers Castro an enemy who can't be trusted unless you have a firm grip on him.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SILENCE
Moved: 9/6/2000 11:10
CBS-SILENCE 8/31/2000

Quiet time. This is Dave Ross....

The State of Virginia has a new law requiring 60 seconds of silence, each day, in all public schools. Students do not have to PRAY, mind you. Under the law they can ponder satanic temptation and the legislature wouldn't try to stop them.

But 16 year old Jordan Kupersmith, a junior at Potomac Falls School, didn't like the idea of being required to stand in silence -- or even sit in silence, since it might be an endorsement of prayer.

SO when the moment of silence was announced over the PA system Monday, he left the room, returning in time for the Pledge of Allegiance. And when he did it again on Tuesday, he was sent to the principal's office and sentenced to detention.

Fortunately, Jordan's father negotiated an agreement for Jordan to spend the moment of silence in the principal's office, pending today's hearing into a preliminary injunction.

Is this worth it?

The whole idea of a Moment of Silence is peace. Harmony. But make it a law -- what happens? It becomes a protest opportunity!

Well -- I'm sure the bureaucrats will figure out a way to make it work.

"We will now have a moment of silence. During this moment of silence, you have the right to remain silent. Silence shall be defined as the absence of any intentionally-created sound. Involuntary digestive noises are exempt.

"Should you not wish to remain silent, you may leave the room, provided you are back in time for the Pledge, which, under a previous Supreme Court ruling you are legally allowed to protest my remaining seated.

"Those of you who wish to PRAY may do so in five, four, three, two, one!" 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GORE
Moved: 9/6/2000 11:02
CBS-GORE 9/6/2000

My encounter with Al. This is DR....

As you've heard, George W. Bush says he will do only ONE of the official Presidential debates; the two others would have to be on Meet The Press and Larry King Live. The Republicans even released a transcript of a July Meet The Press Broadcast where Al Gore was the guest and actually challenged Bush to debate on that show September 10th.

Well I interviewed the Vice President yesterday and asked him about the transcript, but he was unmoved:

TAPE:

I tried to press him on it:

TAPE:

It went on, but he was unflappable. he had names, dates; in short.... I wouldn't want to debate him either.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ADAM CLYNER
Moved: 9/6/2000 11:01
CBS-ADAM CLYMER 9/6/2000

When is a rude remark not a rude remark. This is DR...

This just shows that nothing is cut-and-dried anymore.

We in the news media thought we had the first legitimate open-mike gaffe of the campaign -- when a podium mike in Illinois caught George W. Bush using the obscenity "XXXXX" to refer to Adam Clymer, a reporter for the New York Times Reporters and the Democrats gleefully jumped all over the story as an example of hypocrisy from a man who had promised to run a dignified campaign.

But today the Conservative News Service is running a story alleging that Adam Clymer has a bad temper.

The dispatch quotes columnist John McCaslin of the Washington Times -- 
who writes that Clymer was the subject of a police complaint for acting in a "loud, profane, and abusive manner" with four Capitol police officers who had blocked him from walking down a corridor.

McCaslin also writes that Clymer was once seen going (QUOTE) "totally bonkers with a Secret Service agent" during a trip with President Ford. 

The dispatch also quotes Tim Crouse of Rolling Stone magazine as saying Clymer "bitched incessantly about everything."

So there's the view of the Conservative News Service. They are raising the philosophical question: If a Presidential candidate calls someone a major league "XXXXX" , is it still an undignified remark if it turns out that the person IS a major league "XXXXX"?

It appears the conservative defense is going to be that in this case, Mr. Bush wasn't being rude, just accurate.

Now this.

This is DR.... 
Index 

CBS CULTURE
Moved: 9/6/2000 11:01
CBS-CULTURE 9/5/2000

Sex in the classroom. This is DR....

The culture war is not over yet. The Young America's Foundation, which according to its web page is committed to ensuring that increasing numbers of young Americans understand and are inspired by traditional values, has released a list called the Dirty Dozen -- college courses which it considers "ridiculous."

The idea being to educate parents about what their kids are being subjected to.

Among the courses on the list:

-- Sex and Death, a course at Carnegie Mellon that will address the question of "whether we need to liberate death now that we have figured sex out."

-- Black Lavender: A study of Black Gay and Lesbian Plays and Dramatic Construction in the American Theatre, offered by Brown University.

And 

-- Even my Alma Mater is represented: Cornell University offers a course called Bodies Politic: Queer Theory and Literature of the Body, which discusses such questions as, "How are individual bodies stigmatized, encoded, and
read within the social sphere?"

Other courses on the list concern Marxism, the role of race in sports, Gay and Lesbian Caribbean culture, etc.

As you can tell it's sex that has the Young America's Foundation most worried. And some of the course titles are indeed eyebrow raising. But let me ask you this, those of you who went to college: did you EVER take a course that was as titillating as the description? When a professor gets a hold of a subject like Sex, what does he do? Analyzes it discusses it, and then assigns a long research paper.

If you want to rid promiscuity of its appeal, I can think of no better way than to have to write a research paper about it.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BUSH SLUR
Moved: 9/6/2000 11:01
CBS-BUSH-SLUR 9/5/2000

Big brother catches the candidate. This is DR...

It's the first open mike gaffe of the campaign. George W. Bush standing off-mike in Illinois with Dick Cheney and noticing New York Times reporter Adam Clymer:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>AP-172 ASSHOLE
Time: 4s
In-cue: 
Out-cue: ...] 

It's a little hard to hear, but experts have determined that he was basically calling Adam Clymer an "XXXXX" a word that is now common to many talk shows but which, in order to preserve the dignity of this station, I will refrain from uttering myself.

Clymer has written several articles critical of the governor's record in Texas; he once described the accuracy of a Bush campaign ad as "Zero." But "XXXXXX" is not a dignified way to speak EVEN when referring to a reporter for the New York Times. The Gore Campaign which was quick to say IT holds reporters in the highest esteem. 

However, DOES this violate Bush's goal of walking the high road in the campaign?

Well here is the sacred pledge he made at the convention.

CUT: I will swear not only to uphold the laws of our land.... so help me God."

You see, this is a promise for AFTER he is sworn in. So cut him a little slack. I'm sure "XXXXX" is not what's in his heart.

Just try to remember governor -- you're campaigning in America! Where eavesdropping has been raised to a prime time art form, and has gotten at least two presidents in Big Trouble. Anyone who wants to be President should know that in America, the mikes are ALWAYS on.

Now this. 
Index 

INCOMETA.CBS 08/31/00 9:4
Moved: 9/4/2000 10:33
INCOMETA.CBS 08/31/00 9:43 PM-DLR 1:24 

Questions for the tax man. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The income tax is too complicated, everybody says. The system is broken. 
The tax code is becoming so dense with each passing day that soon it 
will form a black hole from which no paycheck can escape.

But how did it GET that way? Why is it so complicated? 

This story may explain it.

This week the IRS, after considerable legal research, released the 
answer to one of the many thorny taxpayer questions it must attempt to 
handle every year.

This taxpayer's marriage had broken up, but it wasn't a question about 
the marriage penalty. No, the question was, if my estranged spouse 
kidnaps my child, can I still take a deduction for the child on my 
income tax return?

IRS lawyer George Baker came up with the answer which was released this week. Based on a 1980 child abduction in which the taxpayer 
tried to claim an exemption for his abducted child, and also wanted to 
deducts the cost of trying to find the child as a theft loss, Mr. Baker 
said YES. You MAY claim an exemption for a kidnapped child, BUT ONLY in 
the year the child was abducted.

After that, since the rules say you must provide more than half the 
support of a child, NO exemption. As for the spouse who kidnaps the 
child, there's no exemption at all. So that in effect, a kidnapped child 
is useless as a tax benefit.

So now you know why the tax code is complicated? Because PEOPLE and 
their lives are complicated, and they want to use those complications to 
reduce their tax bill. When you look at it that way, the tax code is 
brevity itself.

By the way, RANSOM for an abducted child IS deductible. 

~C:\WORKS\FILES\INCOMETA.CBS 
Index 

CBS COLOMBIA 9/1/2000
Moved: 9/4/2000 7:55
CBS-COLOMBIA 9/1/2000

That was then, this is now. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

President Clinton stood beside President Andres Pastrana of Colombia as 
he delivered 1.3 billion dollars in US aid for Colombia's drug war. 
Republican House Speaker Dennis Hastert was there too, to show that the 
money comes with a bi-partisan blessing.

Part of the money is for US helicopters and advisers who will help the 
Colombians cleanse the jungles of guerrillas - and the reason that's in 
our national interest, as Speaker Hastert explained to me before he 
left, is that the drugs those guerrillas use to finance their war kill 
14,000 American kids each year.

I mentioned that there was likely something else happening in those kids 
lives that even the best helicopters couldn't prevent.

But if you think the whole thing has Vietnam Part Two written all over 
it, don't worry; President Clinton promised we would not get into a 
shooting war with Colombian guerrillas.

Vietnam was different. 

Just look at any Vietnam time line:

1961 - American helicopters arrive at docks in South Vietnam with 400 
military personnel. In Colombia we only have 100 soldiers so far.

1962 - Vast tracts of the South Vietnamese forest are sprayed with an 
herbicide called Agent Orange. In Colombia, we're doing something 
completely different; we're using an herbicide called Spike 20P.

1963 - Guerrilla forces ambush the South Vietnam army's 7th division. In 
Colombia the guerrillas mostly ambush the police.

April 1964 - American air power is massively reinforced. In Colombia, 
well, as the President says, that is just not going to happen. 

Now this. This is DR... 
Index 

CBS STAND OFF
Moved: 9/4/2000 7:17
CBS-STANDOFF 9/4/2000

Another standoff in Texas. This is DR...

For six weeks near a little place called Trinidad less than an hour from Dallas, John Joe Gray has been holed up on his 50 acres next to the Trinity River with his wife, 10 relatives and seven children. He's wanted for biting a state trooper after being stopped for speeding, but of course this is about more than a traffic stop -- Mr. Gray has declared himself a citizen of the Kingdom of Heaven and does not have a Texas drivers license or Texas plates. He's been issued a "Heaven Vehicle License Plate" #517924.

So for six weeks Mr. Gray has confined himself to his cabin where he has two years of Y2K rations, generators, a cell phone, a well -- and three bearded men wearing camouflage hats who sit in folding chairs at the end of the dirt driveway with guns strapped to their hips.

The signs on the gate, say things like: ``Notice to all public servants. No trespassing -- survivors will be prosecuted.'' 

So far Sheriff Howard Alfred of Henderson County has decided to do nothing, and he's taken a little heat over this -- especially from Mr. Gray's former son-in-law whose ex-wife and children are in there.

But nasty divorces are a fact of life. The question is, what's best for public safety? Well, let's see. Right now, Mr Gray is confined in a secure place and providing his own room and board. If the sheriff arrests him he'll be confined in a secure place with the STATE providing room and board.

If people want to voluntarily imprison themselves -- why not? All the Sheriff need do is show up once in a while with donuts for the guys at the end of the driveway.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DEBATES
Moved: 9/4/2000 7:17
CBS-DEBATES 9/4/2000

It's the format, stupid. This is DR...

This happens every time. Before there's a presidential debate, there has to be a debate debate.

George W. Bush says he's ready for three debates with Al Gore -- and since Gore once proposed they debate on Meet The Press or CNN, THAT's what Bush is proposing. Instead of doing all three debates proposed by the Presidential Debate Commission, he will do only one of them, with the other two on prime time editions of Meet the Press, and Larry King Live. And that's final. Because the American people have a right to see him in different formats. The American people can't be expected to elect a guy after seeing him in only one format, can they?

But Al Gore says no, the Presidential debate commission has scheduled three debates, and he wants to do all three of THOSE before he'll consider Meet the Press or Larry King -- the reason being that the commission's debates are usually carried by several networks, not just one, and THAT's how you reach the American people, who will of course clear their schedles to watch all three.

With all the bright minds in this country you'd think we could solve this.

Bush likes Meet the Press and Larry King because the format is more informal, Gore prefers the commission debates because the audience is larger.

How about this. Suppose the debate commission steps in and officially SPONSORS the Meet the Press and the Larry King Debates -- and invites all the networks to carry them!

Bush is happy because he gets the format HE wants, Gore is happy because he gets the audience HE wants, and both are REALLY happy because they avoid the one thing NEITHER of them wants -- debating Ralph Nader and Pat Buchanan.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS LAPD RACKETS
Moved: 8/31/2000 7:16
CBS-LAPD RACKETS 8/31/2000

Go sue yourself. This is DR...

You've heard the story: Dateline LOS ANGELES:

U.S. District Judge William Rea said that the pattern of misconduct shown by the Los Angeles Police Department is so extreme, that it could be considered a "criminal enterprise," and therefore subject to federal racketeering law.

Yikes. 

Here's a federal judge saying that an organization set up by the taxpayers to stop the gangs has become a gang itself, and can be sued as if it were the mob.

Among the evidence he took into account: planting weapons and drugs on suspects to frame them, shooting unarmed suspects, fabricating police reports, and telling lies in court, under oath.

The scandal has forced prosecutors to throw out almost 100 criminal cases -- including several people who were improperly sent to prison.

PLUS -- under the racketeering statute, lawyers could reach back TEN YEARS for evidence; and if they win, juries can assess TRIPLE damages.

The reason the penalties are so intense is that the racketeering law was designed for one purpose: to bankrupt the mob. Since it can be very difficult to make a criminal case against mobsters, the racketeering law allows wronged citizens to sue them out of business and make them leave town.

But if the mob is now defined as the LAPD, well, who funds the LAPD? The taxpayers of Los Angeles. The individual cops don't have that kind of money. City officials are not going to pay. That TAXPAYERS are going to pay. What, exactly, would be the point of assessing TRIPLE damages against the taxpayers of Los Angeles? 

Force them to move to San Diego?

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS DEATH TAX
Moved: 8/31/2000 7:16
CBS-DEATH TAX 8/31/2000

Death and Taxes. This is DR...

Prepare for a new round of outrage as President Clinton vetos a bill to repeal the federal estate tax -- or, as Republicans call it, the death tax.

The President will say that the bill is "too expensive and undermines our ability to pay down the debt and strengthen Social Security."

The Republicans will say how outrageous -- that this administration can think of no better way to raise money than to tax the dead. 

Now most of you know how I feel about this -- the Pharaohs tried to take it with them, and all their stuff ended up in government-funded museums, so we might as well accept that government always wins.

-- Of COURSE it seems cruel to tax the dead. And yet, if you don't, and the treasury loses the 10 billion dollars a year that the dead have been paying, who will the government turn to... to make up the difference? Well, all that's left is the LIVING.

And speaking for my particular interest group, that being The Living, I would frankly prefer that the dead got the bill.

But I understand reasonable people can disagree so how about this.

The reason the president can get away KEEPING the death tax is: dead taxpayers don't vote. And therein lies the problem.

The dead need a voice. And so I propose that the dead be allowed not just to will their MONEY to their heirs, but their VOTING RIGHTS as well.

That way the dead will have a say -- not through Ouija boards or channelers. But through their relatives. 

So that beneficiaries would then have two votes ... one of their own, and one for the dead person they represent. I understand there are some precincts where it already happens.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CAMPAIGN
Moved: 8/31/2000 4:51
CBS-CAMPAIGN 8/30/200

Divine plans. This is DR....

The campaign so far is all about free prescription drugs, which candidate can read the most stories to small school children -- and GOD.

Joe Lieberman has become the Democrats Designated Preacher. And he's now drawing friendly fire over it.

I can't figure out why. Clinton's always taking about his faith, Gore quotes the Bible, Bush says his political role model is Jesus -- maybe it's because we EXPECT it from southern politicians, but when it comes from a guy from Connecticut like Joe Lieberman we're shocked.

The Lieberman quote that has everybody riled -- speaking to a church congregation in Detroit, he said "As a people, we need to reaffirm our faith and renew the dedication of our nation to God and God's purpose."

Well, that's pretty religious all right -- but consider this:

When a candidate talks to a teachers groups what does he say? Nice things about teachers. When he talks to a group of corporate executives, what does he say? Nice things about corporate executives. When he talks in a church -- what's he going to say -- I'm a Godless Sex Maniac?

Any speaker who stands before an audience is outnumbered, and therefore wants only one thing: to be liked.

And the need is even stronger when you're on a campaign, since you need them TO LIKE you so much that they will send you money.

Is there cause for alarm? Let's suppose this IS part of God's plan -- all other methods of having failed, God has now anointed Presidential candidates to impose His will upon a reluctant nation. He'd still have to get it past the Congress and the Supreme Court.

I think it would be more effective for Him just to inspire Steven Spielberg to make a few more movies.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS STANDARDS
Moved: 8/31/2000 4:51
CBS-STANDARDS 8/30/2000

High expectations. This is DR...

Tomorrow, George W. Bush makes his 100th visit to a school as a presidential candidate.

He will talk about his education plan; about high expectations, high standards, teacher training, student testing. 

That's great. But then I read this in the Washington Post: It's about Dick Cheney, Republican vice presidential nominee and former oil executive. 

Item: in 1997 retiring Union Pacific chairman Drew Lewis got consulting contract that would pay him $3.75 million even if he died before he could provide any advice. On the committee that approved it -- Dick Cheney.

Item: in 1998 a company called EDS fired its chairman for screwing up the company's stock price. He was paid $35 to leave quietly. On the board that came up with the payoff, Dick Cheney.

Item: just last week -- Procter & Gamble eased out ITS chairman after only 17 months for screwing up ITS stock price. He got a $9.5 million bonus, PLUS stock options, PLUS a 1.3 million dollar salary. And on the committee that recommended it -- Dick Cheney.

Now none of us would begrudge a corporate exec his due. But what about STANDARDS? What about high expectations?

For example -- the Bush Education plan would cut federal aid to states that do not give standardized reading and math tests and publish the results. Well, given that so many of our retirements depend on our investments -- and even MORE SO if Social Security is going to include stocks -- how about this: penalize corporations with a loss of 5% of their federal tax deductions if THEY don't give competency tests to their BOARD MEMBERS and publish the results.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BIRD
Moved: 8/31/2000 4:51
CBS-BIRD 8/29/2000

Up in the sky it's a bird. It's a plane. It's an engine part! This is DR on the CBS Radio Network.

A piece of a 747 engine falls out of the sky and onto a California beach, and the prime suspect is a bird.

It's right there in the news dispatch: "Authorities think a bird hitting an engine was the cause of a jumbo-jet scare in Los Angeles."

Air traffic controllers saw an engine part fall to the ground as the plane took off and warned the pilot, who was already feeling vibrations from the damaged engine.

A witness who was walking his dog on the beach says one of the plane's engines spit out a huge blast of orange fire and two huge chunks of metal -- one as big as the hood of a car."

As someone who still isn't used to sound of the landing gear locking, I can just imagine what THIS emergency landing was like.

And I can understand that planes will occasionally have problems. But don't you find the idea that collision with a BIRD can damage a 747 hard to accept?

Over here -- a giant plane with 449 people aboard. Over here -- a BIRD. It should be no contest. 

I know that engineers can give you all sorts of reasons why a bird is bad for a jet engine, and why birds at airports have to be controlled, but I'm sorry: a 747 should be able to squish birds like your car squishes bugs. If every bug you hit made your car careen off the road would we accept it if automakers said "well we have to control bugs better?"

I know birds have no business at airports, but they get cocky. We live in a country where crows congregate in the middle of busy streets to fight over a french fry. We have to be prepared.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NIXON
Moved: 8/31/2000 4:51
CBS-NIXON 8/29/2000

SHE SAYS IT ISN'T SO. This is DR...

Richard Nixon's eldest daughter Tricia says it isn't so. She unequivocally denies her late father ever struck her mother Pat -- as claimed in a new biography -- and doubts he took a mood-altering drug in the White House, as claimed in the same book. 

The book alleges -- quoting second-hand sources -- that it was in 1962, around the time Nixon lost the California Governor's race, that he that he gave his wife a black eye. But daughter Tricia told the Associated Press that her mother was a strong woman -- and had he ever raised a hand to her, she would have left him.

As for mood-altering drugs, she says her father was so stoical he even declined Novocain at the dentist's office.

So there's the rebuttal. Whether they're first hand stories or second hand stories, they're not true, Tricia says.

You know what I wonder? Whether it's true or not, I wonder where the shock value is in revealing more dirt on Richard Nixon, of all people. 

I know there are a few Nixon supporters who have argued that he was a normal man trapped in a politician's body; perhaps this information is intended to deflate those arguments.

But it's an odd message.

Here's a man who bugged his friends, arranged dirty tricks against his enemies, tried to manipulate the FBI, talked about paying hush money, caused a Constitutional crisis --- but wait wait wait! There's more -- he once beat his wife!

So be warned, those of you look to Richard Nixon as your role model -- better keep looking. And you young ladies who see guys like Richard Nixon as Mr. Right -- better shop around.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS KISS
Moved: 8/28/2000 7:13
CBS-KISS 8/28/2000

Now, even Republicans are doing it. This DR...

Who would have thought that it would be the enduring image of the convention season, but there it is. The commentators and the pollsters are all agog over the effect of Al Gore's three-second heterosexual kiss at the end of the convention.

It gets the credit for his bounce in the polls. The shock value, apparently. Not the shock of a politician doing something sexual -- obviously -- but THIS politician doing something sexual.

It makes no sense; he's GOT kids; they weren't virgin births; but there's no denying the kiss continues to echo.

And now it has gone the next step. It has crossed party lines. It happened at a big republican rally in Washington State over the weekend that featured, among others, Senator Slade Gorton: known among fellow Senators as a deep thinker; a man whose arched eyebrows and thin figure give him the air of a no-nonsense professor. Slade Gorton does not pin the sexuality meter.

And yet to quote a news article, "Gorton... took a page from Gore's Democratic convention playbook by giving his wife Sally a passionate on-stage kiss, to the delight of the crowd."

It is unstoppable! Middle-aged public kissing is becoming part of the culture. 

Sexually dormant husbands are going to start slobbering all over their shocked wives -- and the best part is, it's OK now! 

Al Gore has made it acceptable again! He has redefined the wet kiss as not merely sexually erotic, but politically erotic, thereby giving it a function that all politicians, even those who voted for impeachment, can embrace and even applaud.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CRIME
Moved: 8/28/2000 7:13
CBS-CRIME 8/28/2000

What about us? This is DR...

The numbers are clear -- violent crime is down again. And you can't dismiss this as some statistical anomaly. These figures are from the Justice Department's crime victimization survey -- in which the Justice Department interviews 77,000 people in a scientifically-selected sample. They actually ASK a random group of people "were you a crime victim in the past year" so they even pick up crimes that are NOT reported to the police.

In every category, crime is down.

I was looking through the stories this morning to find out why. And everybody's taking credit.

President Clinton says this is further proof that his anti-crime methods are working -- more police, fewer guns.

Nonsense, says George W. Bush -- it's governors who get the credit for locking up so many crooks.

Hey -- what about Reality TV? Every time I surf the cable I see some poor schlump with a blurry face being chased down by a buff cop who cinches flex cuffs around the guy's wrists like he was a leaf bag. It's a 24-hour crime rodeo! That has GOT to be discouraging for budding crooks.

But I'll tell you what really ticks me off about the crime story. Crime is committed mostly by young people, right? So how about a little credit for us, the Baby Boom parents of America, who RAISED the current generation of law abiding young people? We get slapped around by psychologists who think we overschedule our children, by government officials who think we're too stupid to shut off the TV so they give us a chip to do it -- well apparently, we did a pretty good job with our kids, didn't we? 

Plus, we were smart enough to have fewer OF them.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS LIEBERMAN
Moved: 8/18/2000 11:34
c 
Index 

NADERAD.CBS 08/18/00 2:17
Moved: 8/18/2000 7:59
NADERAD.CBS 08/18/00 2:17 AM-DLR 1:13 

Don't be fooled! This is DR...

Master Card has finally lost patience with Presidential Candidate Ralph 
Nader - because of this ad:

TAPE: 19 [``Finding out the truth: Priceless,'' the announcer concludes, 
showing Nader working through a mountain of paper. ``There are some 
things money can't buy. Without Ralph Nader in the presidential debates, 
the truth will come in last.'' ]

Master Card argues that this is much too close to THEIR line, which 
goes, ``There are some things in life money can't buy. For everything 
else, there's MasterCard.'' So the company will sue.

MasterCard's CEO tried to get Nader to back down quietly, but guess 
what! He wouldn't! Imagine - Ralph Nader deliberately trying to annoy a 
corporate executive! He can be SO insensitive! 

In any case, until this is resolved - don't be fooled, people. When you 
hear this ad:

TAPE: [Finding out the truth: priceless]

It doesn't mean that when you use MasterCard, you are actually 
supporting Nader's campaign, nor does it mean that Ralph Nader is 
offering you credit. Of course most people know that Nader would sooner 
turn off his airbag.

I know what you're saying- you're saying, "Dave, this is an insult. 
MasterCard must think that the American people are ... MORONS."

Well, I notice that the current annual interest rate on credit card 
balances - can be as high as 22.4%.

(LAUGH) So maybe we are. Now this. This is DR...

~C:\WORKS\FILES\NADERAD.CBS 
Index 

WHEELCHA.CBS 08/18/00 1:0
Moved: 8/18/2000 7:59
WHEELCHA.CBS 08/18/00 1:06 AM-DLR 1:27 

It doesn't make sense - unless it's you. This is Dave Ross on the CBS 
Radio Network.

The White Mountains of New Hampshire are famous for the hut system built 
years ago by the Appalachian Mountain Club.

I hiked the Presidential range as a teenager and those huts were a 
welcome sight. Huts with four-tier bunks with clean linens, toilets, and 
a simple breakfast and dinner cooked by college students plopped in the 
middle of the wilderness, and entirely non-controversial. 

UNTIL it came time to renovate the most remote hut in the system: on the 
Gale River Trail. 

Because under the Americans With Disabilities Act, it would need a ramp. 
A hut at the end of a trail with obstacles like stones, roots, and mud 
would need a wheelchair ramp, bigger bathrooms, and accessible bunks, by 
LAW. There were letters to the Club's magazine. "What a waste of money" 
said one reader. 

And then, on Thursday, using modified wheelchairs, and with help from 
about family, friends and volunteers, Craig Gray, Nicole Haley and Geoff 
Krill made it to the top of the Gale River trail, and rolled up that 
ramp.

The hike is classified as arduous and difficult by people who have FULL 
use of their legs, never mind for a man who suffered a spinal injury 21 
years ago as Craig Gray did.

But no one was carried - volunteers lifted the front wheels over the 
rocks and roots - but Craig and the others pushed the rear wheels 
themselves.

And as they came out of the woods hut workers and able-bodied hikers 
gave them a round of applause.

They had made it across the roots, the boulders, the streams, the mud. 
And, thanks to the ramp and a wide enough door, they could also use the 
bathroom. Now this. ~C:\WORKS\FILES\WHEELCHA.CBS 
Index 

CBS MORALS
Moved: 8/18/2000 7:59
CBS-MOST DIGNIFIED 8/18/2000

Presidential morals. This is DR....

The conventions are over, so now we have to decide: who has the highest morals.

Both Bush and Gore have reassured us on that:

TAPE: Bush Honor Dignity -- Gore 10 Never Let You Down

And yet, these reassurances are only in the most general of terms.

In searching through the archives for a strong statement on morality -- I found this man:

TAPE:

Ladies and Gentlemen -- Presidential Candidate Ralph Nader:

TAPE:

Joe Lieberman move over!

Of course very few people heard Nader's speech because the Green Party Convention didn't get much network coverage But don't worry, I'm sure dozens of corporations will soon be donating million in unregulated soft money so he can spread his message of morality from sea to shining sea.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GRAND JURY
Moved: 8/18/2000 7:59
CBS-GRAND JURY 8/18/2000

Play it again. This is DR...

It is a faint echo of the sex act of the century: Independent Counsel Robert Ray, 
Kenneth Starr's successor, has sworn in a new Grand Jury to determine whether President Clinton will eventually face criminal charges for lying under 
oath about his fling with that woman.

We're told that The White House reacted angrily to the news, the Gore Campaign reacted angrily to the news, even the Bush campaign reacted angrily to the news.

The only thing we don't know is how the grand jurors themselves reacted 
to the news. How would you feel about spending who knows how many weeks of your life rehashing the most endlessly rehashed story in modern American history.

You'd probably react angrily.

But the nice thing about this story is, that whatever the White House 
and the campaigns and the grand jurors think about it, the rest of us -- don't have to think about it at all!

The idea of spending more tax money on this is a little annoying, but we've already spent $40 million throwing paper at the man, what's a few million more? Give the anti-Clinton industry industry one last fling. Five months from now, the Golden Goose of scandal will be feathering his nest in Chappaqua... and whole sections of the Internet will go dark.

I think I speak for all of America and probably large areas of Europe and Asia when I say: they could indict Clinton for lying, they could indict him for biting his lip all the time, they could indict him for that hokey walk down the corridor before his speech, and not one of us would lose a moment's sleep.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SUBMARINE
Moved: 8/16/2000 7:29
CBS-SUBMARINE 8/16/2000

SOS. This is DR...

With oxygen running out, the Russians are asking for help to rescue the men of the submarine Kursk, which has entombed itself at the bottom of the Barents Sea. 

The only sign of life -- the sound of men tapping the hull, sending out an SOS.

I got an e-mail from a listener who served aboard a submarine and describe what is probably going on -- how the crew probably can't sleep since the sub is at a 60 degree angle, how it would be impossible to cook food, how the toilets would back up... it is hard to imagine anything more terrible than what those men are going through.

The silver lining, if it can be called that -- Russia's assurance that there were no nuclear missiles aboard, so that at least there won't be an environmental catastrophe. But it is certainly a human catastrophe... perhaps both we and they might want to examine if it's worth it.

The accident apparently occurred during a large Russian naval exercise, which involved firing of cruise missiles, torpedoes and even a long-range ballistic missile. The idea of the exercise? To impress the US. An echo of the Cold War. To remind us that they're ready for another World War, and to remind us that if we do the unthinkable -- shoot first with a nuclear missile -- they can RESPOND with the unthinkable by shooting second with a nuclear missile.

These men put their lives on the line to maintain a deterrence system whose ultimate purpose is to terrorize each other's civilian population in the name of mutual protection.

Time to spend a weekend at Camp David to re-examine whether such a system is worth the sacrifice of any more men.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS PARTIES
Moved: 8/16/2000 7:29
CBS-PARTIES 8/16/2000

It's the food stupid! This is DR...

At the Republican Convention, tobacco companies could join the celebration without shame. Philip Morris was an official sponsor.

The Democrats, by contrast, decided to take a stand and REJECT donations from big tobacco -- something no host committee had ever done before. 

-- Part of setting a high moral tone is to make sure they didn't take tainted money earned by marketing a deadly product to America's children. So checks from Philip Morris or US Tobacco -- return to sender.

But according to the Seattle times, that rule only applied to the convention itself. It said nothing about the unofficial PARTIES.

Monday, at the Conga Room, it was a party for Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle -- hosted by Philip Morris.

At a party in Beverly Hills, US Tobacco provided cigars labeled "DNC 2000." Because, as a company spokesman said, "What's a convention without cigars?" 

On the Paramount Studios lot there was a party honoring Sen. John Breaux
-- considered an expert on health care -- sponsored in part by Brown & Williamson tobacco.

There is no indication these parties were boycotted. Washington State Attorney General Christine Gregoire, a democrat who took a leading role in the big tobacco settlement, said it's free speech.

The parties don't bother her.

It's only bad when big tobacco gives to individual politicians - because that implies they want something in return.

I guess that when a corporation simply buys food and drink -- it wants nothing in return. It is only seeking to meet lawmakers nutritional needs.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS KUMBAYAH
Moved: 8/14/2000 7:36
CBS-'Kum Ba Yah' 8/14/2000

Child cruelty. This is DR...

Dateline NORTH PORT, Fla. (AP) -- An 8-year-old girl was told she could not sing ``Kum Ba Yah'' at her day-camp talent show. 

Samantha Schultz had practiced the song for a week but was banned from singing it because organizers of the North Port Boys & Girls Club talent show said Kum Ba Yah violated their ban on religious songs.

They pointed out that the lyrics repeat the word "Lord".

Bill Sadlo, director of operations for the club, said "We don't want to take the chance of a child offending another child's religion''. 

-- Hmmm. Let's see if I can remember the words: "Kum Ba Yah, My Lord, Kum Ba Yah. Kum Ba Yah, My Lord, Kum Ba Yah. Kum Ba Yah, My Lord, Kum Ba Yah. Oh Lord Kum Ba Yah."

They're right. It does repeat the word Lord. It also repeats Kum Ba Yah incessantly.

In fact, the memories are beginning to return... yes -- memories of a song that was once kind of charming, but which was repeated so many times by so many bad folk groups that even those of us who agreed with the sentiments expressed in the lyrics came to the point that if we heard Kum Ba Yah one more time we would find a church run by a monastic order sworn to silence and join it.

I'm sorry. The pain is still fresh.

It was, of course, cruel to disappoint Samantha, especially after she had practiced Kum Ba Yah all week, and she SHOULD have been informed earlier, but remember -- cruelty takes many forms.

Now this.

Song lyrics: http://ingeb.org/spiritua/comebyhe.html 

Index 

CBS INTEGRITY
Moved: 8/14/2000 7:36
CBS-INTEGRITY 8/14/2000

Integrity. This is DR... 

This is the year of integrity. Candidates who KNOW who they are, and whose private lives and public lives contain no contradictions. 

Item: Republican vice presidential candidate Dick Cheney. He ran a big oil services company called Halliburton. His contract said if he left the job before age 62, we would be denied his stock options. He left at age 59 to join the Bush ticket. The company said he would get no special benefits just because he was running. But then, in a spontaneous change of heart, Halliburton's board of directors voted to change the contract language and reward Cheney with a retirement benefit of TWENTY MILLION DOLLARS.

Let's see -- how much was at stake when Hillary Clinton was accused of making a killing on cattle futures -- $100 THOUSAND as I recall.

But the Bush campaign says there was nothing unusual about the payout, so it must be OK.

Then to the Democrats. Talking about TV shows like Jenny Jones, Senator Joseph Lieberman called them "degrading, offensive, and exploitative."

There are some things that are so "morally repugnant", he said, that they should not be broadcast for mass consumption, least of all by the eight million children who watch these shows regularly.

And then we read that Lieberman, as a vice presidential candidate, will attend a fund-raiser at the home of Hollywood producer David Salzman, executive producer of The Jenny Jones Show. Let me guess the reason: "We may not agree on everything, but we have to keep the dialogue going!"

Well, it's not at the Playboy mansion so I guess it's OK. 

Now this... 
Index 

CBS LAPTOP2
Moved: 8/11/2000 10:02
CBS-LAPTOP 8/10/2000

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

I just want to ask everybody to check one more time for the State Department's missing laptop computer. You'll recognize it -- it's a Dell, the information is not encoded, so if you look in the folders you'll find highly sensitive intelligence information -- so-called Code Word intelligence -- on nuclear and biological weapons proliferation, which if it were to fall into the wrong hands, would seriously compromise national security.

I know you're thinking you couldn't possibly have picked it up by mistake; that there must have been some kind of Mission Impossible high-tech
alarm system which would require that somebody hang from a vent in the ceiling and crawl under laser beams to get it, but no - it was just left in a conference room.

All someone had to do is get past the security at the State Department, which consists of an Operation ID warning sticker, and walk into a conference room. 

Very clever plan, actually because the last place a spy is going to look for information on weapons of mass destruction is in a computer sitting right out there in the open. they know that we, being a superpower, would never be that dumb. We would hide it behind the copy machine.

So we fool the spies by loading the secrets onto a Dell, probably in a folder with a name like "Big Important Secrets!"

So check around your workspace -- and while you're at it -- check for the other two laptops they lost in May, would you? It's not QUITE as urgent, because they didn't have top secret information in them, we're told. Probably just the NORAD passwords and the Trident launch codes.

The kind of stuff teens can find on the Net anyway.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CURSING
Moved: 8/11/2000 10:02
CBS-CURSING-DAN 8/10/2000

Where's the soap? This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Even as the culture in many parts of the country has sunk into depravity there is one oasis of decency. It is Sarasota Florida which, we learned this week, actually has an ordinance to protect children from profanity.

We know this because of the story of Crystal and Tammy Clyburn.
One evening last week, Sarasota police came to Crystal and Tammy's home looking for the third Clyburn sister, Sylvia, for unspecified reasons.

What they got was an earful from Crystal and Tammy, who said things such as "you MM MM police officers have no business being in our MM MM house." 

As a result, the cops forgot about Sylvia, and instead cuffed Crystal and Tammy for violating a 60-year-old city ordinance that makes it a crime to swear in front of children. According to the officers, there were at least 15 children within earshot of the outburst.

Eight hours and 240 bucks later, the Clyburn sisters were out on
jail and free to resume saying whatever it is they say in front of their
kids. But that's not the point here. The point is that finally, an American municipality is taking a stand against the profanity, and about time too, given that we already know the next president whoever he is, will be anti-profanity.

Yeah, yeah, I know that while mom's in jail the kids are alone, but at least they'll be thinking clean thoughts.

The ACLU is protesting the arrest, ad oddly enough, they may have an ally in the Deputy Chief of police who, referring to the anti-profanity law, said he didn't know, quote, "how in the hell" his officers even knew about it. 

Hum. I just hope he checked for kids when he said that.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TIRES
Moved: 8/11/2000 10:02
CBS-TIRES 8/11/2000

Rename the company. This is DR...

Firestone is on the ropes again. It has to recall 6 million tires. The toll-free tire recall number is constantly busy. There aren't enough tires available. The company is going to take a huge financial hit.

And this is the second time Firestone tires have been in trouble. Back in 1978 Firestone had to recall 14 million radial tires that also had a tendency to come apart. It pushed the company to the brink of bankruptcy, which is why it's now owned by a Japanese firm.

But do you realize all this could have been avoided? -- All avoided if the company had simply changed it's name from Firestone tires to FireARM tires, and re-defined its more controversial products as weapons.

I'm not sure exactly how many innocent lives are lost to guns each year, but it's probably more than the 46 innocent people killed because of defective tires.

And in many of these deaths, the gun - like the tire - just "goes off." 

"I was showing him the gun and it just went off."

"I was cleaning it, and it just went off."

"I was twenty feet from the gun when it suddenly picked it self up and fired ten rounds."

I know we can't always trust these stories, but it doesn't matter. The point is, gun owners accept a certain amount of danger, and they NEVER demand recalls. Anybody who wants a gun recall is a whiny liberal.

Firestone ought to try these same arguments. That tires represent a fundamental American right. That the government is trying to limit Americans freedom of movement. That this is part of a liberal conspiracy to de-TIRE all of our cars, and force us all into socialistic rapid transit systems.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PLAYBOY3
Moved: 8/11/2000 10:02
CBS-PLAYBOY3 8/11/2000

Follow the money. This is DR....

As threatened, the Democratic party has muzzled Congressman Loretta Sanchez. She will not be allowed to speak at the Convention refusing to cancel her Hispanic Unity fundraising party at the Playboy Mansion.

Al Gore and the leadership decided the location was just not appropriate.

Even Nelson Diaz, who chairs the Democrats Hispanic caucus says it would send the wrong message.

But in the meantime, the party is sold out. Which leads us to the obvious question:

Who's going to take the money?

It cost $5000 to get in, they expect 600 people -- that works out to three MILLION dollars. Who going to take it?

Well the Democrats certainly can't take it -- because it comes from people who DO believe that it's appropriate to hold a fund raiser at the Playboy Mansion; it's money that comes from 600 people who disagree with Al Gore on the fundamental issue in this campaign -- sexual morality.

It's tainted. It's Bunny Money.

Loretta herself can't take it because it was raised in the name of Hispanic Unity and the head of the Hispanic caucus has repudiated the event -- so... let's think this through. What does the Playboy mansion represent: the sacred right of a man to look at and enjoy the sight of a scantily-clothed woman.

--An activity which, while morally questionable, is also clearly HETEROSEXUAL.

Yes! So this is money collected from people who believe in celebrating raw heterosexuality. Well then, it becomes clear what Loretta Sanchez should do with the money.

She should give it to the republicans!

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS PLAYBOY2
Moved: 8/10/2000 7:23
CBS-PLAYBOY 7/24/2000

Sex and money. This is DR ...

The new democratic team of Gore and Lieberman is off and running, holding campaign events at which they spend a great deal of time thanking their wives for being wonderful, devoted women.

That seems to be the overriding theme of the campaign for BOTH the major parties -- how wonderful their wives are. Hey -- we believe you! We get the message. If elected, you promise to hire only UGLY interns.

But keeping eyes trained on the moral compass presents a short term problem, at least for democrats: the Hispanic Unity fund-raiser being organized by Congresswoman Loretta Sanchez and planned for the Playboy Mansion in Los Angeles. A Playboy spokesman points out that the mansion is not Sodom and Gomorrah; it's basically no different than a five-star hotel, he said. You know -- those hotels where everyone who sleeps together is married.

But given that every candidate this year is orthodox in one way or another, the name is enough to make it an issue.

So now, the Gore campaign is reportedly threatening to punish Ms Sanchez by taking away her credentials and her speaking slot if she doesn't cancel the Playboy party.

She might as well, because the party has already served its function -- allowing high profile democrats to take strong anti-Playboy stands: even Gloria Allred, feminist attorney, called it borderline pornographic and said SHE would not be going!

But then, how to reward the people who paid $5000 per person to go? Wait -- I know -- make a pro-family event. Speeches from men about how much they appreciate the women in their lives.

Hugh Hefner could give the keynote.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MISSING LAPTOP
Moved: 8/10/2000 7:23
CBS-MISSING LAPTOP 8/10/2000

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

Dateline: Washington. The State Department is offering 25-thousand dollars for information that leads to the recovery of a laptop computer that disappeared in late January from a sixth-floor conference room in the department's Bureau of Intelligence and Research in Washington.

Officials have said the computer contained information on the proliferation of weapons of mass destruction and on technologies for launching them.

The State Department says the laptop is black, made by Dell, and has a five-digit serial number on the back ending in the letter ``Q.''

So there you are America -- you might want to just check under your front seat.

Let's take that REAL SLOW:

"The computer contained information on the proliferation of weapons of mass destruction and on technologies for launching them..."

So the State Department has now basically told the thief that what he has is indeed the real thing, but is thinking that he will turn over the information on how to launch America's weapons of mass destruction ... for $25,000 dollars. Ha ha ha.

No, no that can't be it! We're a superpower!! 

This must be part of a psychological operation -- make the guy THINK isn't real, when actually all he has is the recipe for cheese balls.

(JINGLE)
That's got to be it.

Maybe we'd better build that missile shield after all.

Now this.

Dave Ross.... 
Index 

CBS UNITED
Moved: 8/10/2000 5:57
UNITED.CBS 08/08/00 4:34 PM-DLR 2:23 

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

United Airlines has had to cancel hundreds of flights. Innocent people are missing vacations, family reunions, weddings -- all because the airline can't find pilots willing to work overtime.

Many passengers suspect that there is some sort of slowdown 
strike going on. But I talked for a spokesman for the Airline Pilots 
Association -- and he reassured me that there is no strike.

The problem, he said, is that United has failed to hire sufficient pilots. And the pilots they DO have are no longer as enthusiastic about working overtime -- since taking a 25% pay cut a few years ago in exchange for stock.

United's problems, he said, are due to incompetent management.

OK, but now WAIT a minute. 

United is owned by the employees. The motto is Fly OUR Friendly Skies. So why don't the employee-owners FIRE those incompetent managers who failed to anticipate that the employee-owners would not want to work overtime for their own company? 

As for that 25% pay cut -- why don't the employee-owners just pay themselves more, so they WILL want to work for their company again?

If an employee-owned airline can't get its act together -- what else is 
left? Have the PASSENGERS to buy the airline. I can imagine a passenger-run airline: every seat a first class seat, 25 restrooms per plane, gourmet meals, unlimited carry-ons, and every seat $29. It'd be bankrupt in a week.

It's beginning to look like the only alternative is to give the company back to the greedy capitalists who run everything else. Say what you want about 
greedy capitalists, but they make the planes run on time. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS LIEBERMAN SLOW
Moved: 8/10/2000 5:57
CBS-LIEBERMAN-SLOW

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

Dateline NASHVILLE: -- For all the kind words Joseph Lieberman is getting in Tennessee, some Southern analysts don't see him helping Al Gore much in the South.

Gore's choice of Lieberman for vice president could potentially hurt him.

"Some believe an Orthodox Jew from a Northern state might have a tough time finding support in the heavily Protestant buckle of the Bible Belt."

Let's take that line REAL SLOW:

"Some believe an Orthodox Jew from a Northern state might have a tough time finding support in the heavily Protestant buckle of the Bible Belt."

Hmmm. The Bible Belt. That term would seem to describe an region that believes strongly in ... the Bible.

A region where the favorite part of the Bible is the part where God hurls fire and brimstone at a stubborn world. Now as I recall, that part of the Bible was written in ... wait a minute - it's coming to me -- HEBREW! And the people who wrote it were called ... Methodists? Baptists? No, wait a minute -- it's coming to me... they were called the JEWS!

So the reason the Bible Belt would have a problem with a Jewish vice president is that his people wrote the Bible and can quote it in the original language. (PAUSE) 

That makes sense!

You see? The news ALWAYS makes more sense when you read it REAL SLOW.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS LIEBERMAN2
Moved: 8/9/2000 11:26
CBS-LIEBERMAN 8/8/2000

Joseph Lieberman: non-Christian. This is Dave Ross.

Joseph Lieberman, Al Gore's vice-Presidential candidate, will go down in history as the first Jewish running mate. This is AS significant, we're told, as the election of John F. Kennedy as the first Catholic president. Although the issue there was not so much being Catholic as whether he'd take orders from the Vatican. Subsequent exposes indicate we needn't have worried on either count.

But what surprises me is that picking an Orthodox Jew is considered a risky move.

Because if there's anything that is universal in politics today -- it's bible quotes, and usually bible quotes from the Old Testament.

Al Gore quotes the Bible. Bill Clinton quotes the Bible.

The whole Republican party -- at least up until the convention, seemed dedicated to posting the Ten Commandments everywhere. It doesn't get any more Jewish than the Ten Commandments.

When it comes to sexual politics -- conservative politicians are always quoting passages from Leviticus to justify keeping gays out of the military. Well Leviticus, let me remind you, is written in Hebrew.

I think the news about Joseph Lieberman is this: That he supported federal arts funding, but still criticized record companies for dirty lyrics. That he is hawkish on defense, but also hawkish on protecting the environment. That he can read Leviticus in the original language, but still sponsored a bill prohibiting employment discrimination against gay people. 

If there's anything risky about Joseph Lieberman, it's not that he's Jewish -- it's that he represents something TRULY ominous: an independent thinker.

Now this.

Dave Ross. 
Index 

CBS BALDNESS
Moved: 8/9/2000 5:17
CBS-BALDNESS 8/3/2000

When baldness leads to blindness. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

They're all over late-night television and the sports channels: Commercials for hair replacement. Before-and-after pictures of guys who used to look like Patrick Stewart, and now look like Rod Stewart -- with super models on each arm.

And men flock to these places.

Now, let's establish right here that I am not picking on people who are
losing their hair. All men worry how a hairless head might affect our social lives.

So I can see why so many people, so many men and even some women, turn to
these hair-replacement clinics and clubs to replace what they've lost.
And in doing so, become so desperate for hair they're able to look past some
very obvious flaws in the process.

Take the case of United Microsystems. United Micro Systems of New Jersey will refund the money of clients who paid between 2,000 and 8,000 dollars to have their hair "replaced" using what was advertised as an an FDA approved medical grade interfusion system. According to New Jersey's Attorney General the medical grade interfusion system turned out to be... glue. And lousy glue at that. It quickly wore off, taking the hair with it.

Now, we're all glad that these people will get their money back -- but I ask you: this is the age of Rogaine, gene therapy, and high-tech medicine. If you pay 8,000 for hair replacement, and the guy in the white coat comes at you with GLUE, I don't care what fancy terms he uses -- wouldn't you get suspicious?

I guess some longings are just too powerful. Too bad the glue wasn't.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FORD EXPLORER
Moved: 8/9/2000 5:15
FORDEXPL.CBS 08/04/00 12:14 AM-DLR 1:15 

It's the kinder, gentler SUV. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio 
Network.

When Ford came out with its new line of Sport Utility vehicles, consumer 
groups berated them as gas guzzling assault vehicles - not just 
inefficient, but deadly to anything they might collide with.

Ford's response - bad things happen, what are WE supposed to do?

But this is the era of the big tent. And apparently, even giant 
corporations have caught the bug.

We read in the New York Times that Ford Motor Company will re-design the 
next Ford Explorer so they are less prone to roll over, and less prone 
to squish smaller cars.

The main frame of the Explorer will be lowered to match the height of 
Ford Taurus sedans, so that in a crash, the passenger compartment is 
more likely to remain intact.

But that's not all - along with the usual airbags, the Explorer will get 
ceiling-mounted side air bags to protect passengers during rollovers, 
which cause most of the deaths in SUV crashes.

In addition, Ford will improve the Explorers brakes, even though the new 
federal brake standards are two years off, and install a more fuel 
efficient engine so that even with all these changes , it'll get an 
extra mile a gallon.

One highway safety group was quoted as being "Amazed" that Ford did 
this. No need to be amazed. It's a new millennium - with Republicans 
feeding the homeless, Democrats talking about Charter schools, and now 
even car makers making safety improvements without being forced to.

We could be entering an era when even corporations want to get to 
heaven. Now this.

~C:\WORKS\FILES\FORDEXPL.CBS 
Index 

CBS LOSERS
Moved: 8/9/2000 5:15
CBS-LOSERS 8/4/2000

The real winners. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 

They're all reality-based programs, but it's clear which one the viewers prefer. In the ratings race between the Republican Convention, Survivor and Big Brother -- more Americans were WATCHING Gervase (JERVIS) and Jordan than George and Dick. 

They were more interested in who got kicked off the survivor island and out of the Big Brother House... than in the two guys who were trying to get INTO the White House.

It probably isn't fair to compare a show with half naked people eating rats to a show with fully-clothed people talking about Integrity and Honor -- but we must remember -- Survivor and Big Brother fans also get to vote.

And we can only conclude that they don't think the speeches matter.

Come to think of it, they may be right. 

What did George W Bush promise last night?

A stronger military, a defensive missile shield, money for the homeless, money for education, not one penny cut from social security, payments for prescription drugs, a healthy medicare program AND: a big tax cut.

That sounds suspiciously like Bill Clinton in 1992.

And what did HE end up doing? He ended up doing whatever fed chairman Alan Greenspan told him too.

And I have a feeling that if Bush were to be elected, once he sets the moral tone, once he has displayed honor and integrity and changed the White House Dress code, he too will do whatever fed chairman Alan Greenspan tells him too.

The President gets to live in the White House and command the army, but its the guy at the Fed who decides how much money's in your pocket.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS REPUBLICANS
Moved: 8/9/2000 5:15
CBS-REPUBLICANS 8/4/2000

Oh how they will miss him. This is DR...

Four days in Philadelphia, and not one mention of impeachment or Monica Lewinsky. The Republicans didn't have to. All they had to do is use words like Integrity, and Honor. Everybody knows what they mean.

``When I put my hand on the Bible, I will swear to not only uphold the laws of our land, I will swear to uphold the honor and dignity of the office to which I have been elected, so help me God.'' 

That's the kind of conservative appeal to character that young people of a previous generation would have dismissed as maudlin. 

But not anymore. And the reason? Bill Clinton! I'm not sure if the Republicans can EVER thank him enough. 

By every objective measurement, the Republicans should be on the ropes this year. The economy: hot hot hot. Clinton's job approval rating: high as it gets for a lame duck.

But it was also Bill Clinton who convinced young people that character and honor ARE important because without them -- you get lies and smutty phone conversations.

Oh, how they will miss Bill Clinton! Has a political target ever been juicier! 

Nobody remembers that the GOP was dead wrong about his economics, only that they were dead right about his morals.

It won't last forever -- words like Whitewater, Filegate, Travelgate, and Monica are already fading away. Voters will eventually look to the new President and ask what have YOU done for me lately.

But nevertheless the energized young Republicans of Generation W might want to pause at some point and toast Bill Clinton -- the man who made conservative values cool again. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SEX STRIKE
Moved: 8/8/2000 13:13
CBS-SEX STRIKE 6/8/2000

Time to shut her down! This is DR...

This week a group of researchers at Rutgers released their survey on sex and the 20-something generation, concluding that while younge people are very interested in MATING -- and do quite a lot of it -- they are not interested in marriage.

Too scary. Many have come from divorced homes and don't want to make the same mistake.

As a result women desperately trying to wind their biological clocks realize if they want kids, they'll have to raise 'em themseves, because the men won't hang around.

And why should they?

One of the authors of the study told me that the dating rules now say you have sex on the third date. The THIRD date. As I recall, even in the sixties, we might have shared the same FORK on the third date. We might exchange microbes. Bacterial DNA -- but certainly not our own.

Now, however, three dates, and you're in relationship. Three at bats and you cross home standing up.

Well, if THAT's the rule, of course men aren't going to get married! It's hardly worth the tux rental!

You 20-something women, if you want a guy who will hang around, you need organize and go on strike. A sex strike, gals. Rent videos if you're frustrated. This is why women make less at their jobs, too -- discrimination may be part of the reason but the BIG reason is they don't ask for raises, and they don't leave if a better offer comes along.

Well demanding a little more than sweeet words from your date would be a good start. And if an outright strike is to much. Fine. Then try doing it a date at a time. Try to hold off until the FOURTH date. Then the FIFTH. Then SIX. There MIGHT be a sixth....

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PLANETS
Moved: 8/8/2000 8:18
CBS-PLANETS 8/7/2000

Look -- up in the sky This is DR...

Perhaps we can pause from the mundane news of the day for a moment to turn our attention to the announcement from London -- that several teams of astronomers have confirmed the discovery of eight new planets circling stars just outside our solar system.

None of the planets have ever been seen by humans, but scientists can infer their existence by measuring their gravitational pull they exert on the stars they orbit.

It's an exciting discovery because astronomers just don't discover planets that often. Only one other extra-solar multi-planetary system had previously been detected.

The new planets are believed to be gas giants like Jupiter -- but that they were discovered at all means that multi-planetary systems are probably more common than anyone thought. About 50 potential planets are now on the charts -- and they set our minds to dreaming of what else might be out there.

Suppose space is teeming with planetary systems? Systems which include not only gas giants, but smaller planets, not yet detected. Perhaps with an atmosphere and with water. Could they support life? Could they support civilization - and how advanced might that civilization be? What amazing machines might they have invented; what incredible intellectual feats might their people be capable of; what secrets of the universe might they have unlocked?

And then with a shudder, you realize -- that these civilizations are probably looking through their telescopes -- and probably dreaming the same grand dreams as they look ... at US.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS LIEBERMAN
Moved: 8/8/2000 8:18
CBS-LIEBERMAN 8/07/2000

Al Gore chooses. This is DR...

We all learned in school that a vice president is supposed to balance the ticket -- to bring in the voters that the Presidential candidate can't. There are apparently some voters will think -- well, let's see, I hate their presidential candidate -- but you know, he could DIE! It's a way of getting the votes of morbid people.

Then why Senator Joseph Lieberman? Lieberman is Jewish and from the Northeast; and if there are any two groups Gore already has in his pocket, it's Jews and people from the Northeast.

It appears that today the role of a vice Presidential candidate is not for demographic balance, but for moral balance.

Dick Cheney: grey and solid -- balancing all those stories of George W Bush's wild youth.

And now Joseph Lieberman -- a pro-choice Democrat but a cultural conservative.

He's the man crusaded against dirty rock lyrics, who slammed CBS for the 60 minutes broadcast of one of Jack Kevorkian's fatal injections and who shamed Jerry Springer into pulling a scheduled show on Bestiality titled "I married a horse." 

But most important -- it was Joseph Lieberman who on September 3rd 1998 stood on the floor of the Senate and said "something very sad and sordid has happened in American life when I cannot watch the news on television with my 10-year-old daughter anymore."

He was the first democrat to denounce the President's sexual hobby as immoral, but in the end, ALSO decided it did not meet the definition of an impeachable offense and voted NO on both counts.

And so in Joseph Lieberman, you have not only a moral crusader, but a vice President who will balance a ticket ... by making up for the flaws of a man who ISN'T running!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ENVIRONMENT
Moved: 8/8/2000 8:17
CBS-ENVIRONMENT 8/8/2000

The new environmentalists. This is DR...

This remarkable political year continues. I don't know whose side anybody is on anymore.

Dateline WASHINGTON (AP) -- The Republican National Committee is launching a $3.7 million ad campaign critical of Al Gore's handling of the environment on 
his own property in Tennessee.

Citing various sources, the ad says Gore has allowed mining companies to mine zinc on his property, caused water pollution, and made a half-million dollars in mining royalties. ``Even on the environment, Al Gore says one thing but does another,'' the ad says. 

By contrast, the ad says, ``George Bush is cleaning up Texas,'' citing statistics from no less a source than the Environmental Protection Agency.

The Democrats say the ad leaves the wrong impression - but that's not the point The point is that it's running at ALL. Because it means that the Republicans, who were once perceived as being insensitive about the environment, people who would go into the woods and rev their chainsaws to scare spotted owls, now intend to be CHAMPIONS of the environment.

This means that when some company wants to build a big ugly polluting mine, Republicans will be there to vote no. When the Clean Air Act comes up for renewal, it will be the Republicans trying to make it tougher. While Democrats only TALK about blowing up dams it's Republicans who will bring the dynamite.

It's clear now that the fight in this campaign is not between whether we tolerate polluters or not, but which party will hunt them down faster!

In which case the GOP probably has the advantage, because it can get their addresses from the donor list.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS LIEBERMAN2
Moved: 8/8/2000 8:17
CBS-LIEBERMAN 8/8/2000

Joseph Lieberman: non-Christian. This is DR...

Joseph Lieberman, Al Gore's vice-Presidential candidate, will go down in history as the first Jewish running mate. This is AS significant, we're told, as the election of John F. Kennedy as the first Catholic president. Although the issue there was not so much being Catholic as whether he'd take orders from the Vatican. Subsequent exposes indicate we needn't have worried on either count.

But what surprises me is that picking an Orthodox Jew is considered a risky move.

Because if there's anything that is universal in politics today -- it's bible quotes, and usually bible quotes from the Old Testament.

Al Gore quotes the Bible. Bill Clinton quotes the Bible.

The whole Republican party -- at least up until the convention, seemed dedicated to posting the Ten Commandments everywhere. It doesn't get any more Jewish than the Ten Commandments.

When it comes to sexual politics -- conservative politicians are always quoting passages from Leviticus to justify keeping gays out of the military. Well Leviticus, let me remind you, is written in Hebrew.

I think the news about Joseph Lieberman is this: That he supported federal arts funding, but still criticized record companies for dirty lyrics. That he is hawkish on defense, but also hawkish on protecting the environment. That he can read Leviticus in the original language, but still sponsored a bill prohibiting employment discrimination against gay people. 

If there's anything risky about Joseph Lieberman, it's not that he's Jewish -- it's that he represents something TRULY ominous: an independent thinker.

Now this.

Dave Ross. 
Index 

CBS GIFTING
Moved: 8/3/2000 7:28
CBS-GIFTING 7/27/2000

Can these people be saved? This is DR...

It's called Gifting Club. A club for women who want to give gifts to each other. And the rules re so simple. New members pay $5,000 to join -- which is a little pricey, but then, there's none of that annoying stuff that usually comes with joining a club - the monthly dues, having to go down there and exercise all the time, the nutrition classes where some expert tries to et you to eat more textured soy.

None of that.

What you get for your $5000 is the right to receive 5,000 from the next eight people to join, for a payoff of -- $40,000. Pay $5000, get $40,000. It's a no brainer, right?

A few years ago I snuck into on one of these parties to see what was growing on -- and witnessed grown people handing over thousands of dollars in cash to someone they had never met before -- a perfect stranger who just walked away with it all. And everybody CHEERED!

In the latest eruption of this phenomenon outside Dallas, police arrested Shannon Ford, age 29, and Judy Gipson, age 52, after Shannon, who had just received a $5,000 "Investment" from Judy, failed to return it when Judy had second thoughts.

They were charged with felony promotion of an illegal pyramid scheme.

But WHY? 

If Judy wants to give Shannon $5000, in the hope that eight other people will give $5000 to her -- can the State of Texas really protect people who are THAT gullible? 

I guess they have to. If too many people were allowed to squander their money on pyramid schemes, they wouldn't have any left to buy state Lotto tickets, would they?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WACKY REPUBS
Moved: 8/3/2000 7:28
CBS-WACKY REPUBS 7/28/2000

Stodgy no more. This is DR....

Everybody assumes that George W. Bush would like to bury his wild past; that his party days were perceived as a potential weakness in the campaign. But if you look at the events surrounding the Republican Convention, that is clearly not the case.

In addition to being the party of compassionate conservatives, the party of progress and prosperity, they could also emerge from the convention as the party of the cool parties.

There will be the usual very Republican-looking events with cocktails, tuxedos, and white hair, but the coolest event is clearly going to be the "Shock The Vote" party Wednesday evening at Philadelphia's Trocadero dance club, a converted burlesque bar.

The place will be decorated like a convention with delegation signs and podiums -- but there will be a few important differences. The pundits in attendance will be wearing bikinis, there will a four foot eight inch Abraham Lincoln impersonator, and there will be a booth where Republicans can get permanent patriotic tattoos. For an anesthetic, there's the Richard Nixon vodka cocktail, which promises to produce an 18-minute memory gap. And I get the feeling the Ten Commandments will not be posted at the door.

According to the quasi-Republican group sponsoring "Shock The Vote", the idea is to give Republicans a chance to raise hell. It's the new GOP -- it's HIP. It's HAPPENING. These guys can let heir hair down, because they have hair TO let down.

Say -- wasn't there a story just a few days ago about Republicans criticizing the Democrats for planning a fund-raiser at the Playboy Mansion?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS BUSH FAMILY 8/3/2000
Moved: 8/3/2000 7:28
CBS-BUSH FAMILY 8/3/2000

You're playing with fire, Bill. This is DR....

I just want to warn Bill Clinton to be careful. He's got his health, his approval ratings remain high, he can look forward to writing books, lecturing, and becoming one of the youngest elder statesmen in America's history.

But lately he's been dabbling in anti-Bush rhetoric, and he's asking for a battle he doesn't need. You really don't want to pick a fight with this family. 

For one thing, they're very well connected, and for another -- there are just a LOT of them, Bill. Not only do you have George Senior and wife Barbara, not only do you have Florida Governor Jeb Bush -- you have a sister, Doro Bush Koch, who has been campaigning for him in Maryland, and whose husband, although an active Democrat, is crossing party lines on this one.

You have a cousin serving as a delegate from Delaware. You have brother Neil, who's a business consultant. You have brother Marvin, who's a venture capitalist.

AND -- you have nephew George P. Bush -- who was seen the other day leading a group of priests and nuns across the convention floor. Priests and NUNS, Bill.
George P. Bush, son of Jeb, and half Mexican, who comes as close to having sex appeal as is allowable among Republicans.

So take care, Bill. When the ex-President says stop dissing my son, listen to him. I don't think you want to poke this particular nest.

The Bush family portrait barely fits into the viewfinder; all you've got is a lonely bed in Washington and an empty house in Chappaqua.

Now this.

Dave Ross... 
Index 

CBS FILM
Moved: 8/3/2000 7:27
CBS-FILM 8/3/2000

You will love him. This is DR...

There has been some talk of issues at the Republican Convention, but the mission isn't to talk about issues. The mission is to sell George W. Bush as Presidential --and even more important -- likeable. Vice Presidential nominee Dick Cheney took care of the Presidential part last night with remarks like:

Soon our men and women in uniform will have a commander in chief they can respect, he said.

On the first hour of the first day he will restore decency and integrity to the Oval Office.

But now it's time for the likeable part. And for that, a speech isn't enough. A speech is just a talking head with a little confetti on it. To make a candidate likeable, you need some Hollywood magic. You need to make him into a star. You need ... The Film.

It's time for The Film. Eight years ago, at the Democratic Convention, Bill Clinton used The Film to turn himself from a suspected womanizer into The Man From Hope -- who overcame a hardscrabble small town childhood to reach the heights of American politics.

I don't know what's in George W Bush's film yet, but I know this: It will be 9 1/2 of the most carefully programmed and hypnotic minutes you will ever see. There will be the slow motion, there will be soft focus, there will music. And if you watch this film, by the end of it, you will love this man.

By the time the french horns die away, regardless of your party affiliation or what you think of his policies, you will love this man, you will love his wife, you will love their pets, and you will be able to think of no more appropriate place for them to call home than 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BIG DONORS
Moved: 8/3/2000 7:27
CBS-BIG DONORS 8/2/2000

Political generosity. This is DR...

I want to read excerpts of an article in the New York Times:

Dateline PHILADELPHIA: -- Republican officials insist that their financial base is primarily small donors, but the party has received more than $90 million from a relatively small pool of wealthy individuals and corporations, some of whom have shielded their generosity from public view. 

The article goes on to point out that 739 contributors have provided two-thirds of the party's $137 million in soft money-- and quotes a top Republican fund raiser as saying some of them were advised by party officials to make their gifts in creative ways.

The article says the top donors are known as Regents, and that some have split their contributions into smaller checks, to make the total contributions of individual donors harder to trace:

TAPE: "Americans, enter he public life of your country determined to tell the truth."

That's funny -- I thought I just heard John McCain speaking.

Anyway -- according to the article, fund-raising officials for the party told the New York Times that the donors sometime uses obscure corporate subsidiaries to make their donations.

TAPE: "Enter the public life of your country determined to tell the truth."

There it is again!

As for the reward for the Regents -- receptions at Tiffany's, golf with elected officials, lunch with Governor Bush, and that appears to be it. The article mentions nothing beyond that, so we can assume that in terms of influence, Regents get no more than the 600,000 small donors whose average contribution was just under $100.

TAPE: "..the TRUTH."

There it is AGAIN!

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS TOBACCO WHO
Moved: 8/3/2000 7:27
CBS-TOBACCO 8/2/2000

Surprise surprise surprise! This is DR...

According to the World Health Organization, the tobacco industry has been waging a sophisticated, secret campaign to undermine international efforts to combat smoking around the globe.

The World Health Organization has been trying to get out the word that smoking kills people, but says that the tobacco industry, having lost the battle for hearts and minds in the US, is doing everything it can to win it abroad -- even hiring supposedly independent experts who grossly distorted scientific research results on the effects of smoking. Can you imagine!

The WHO alleges that tobacco companies spied on meetings, got a hold of confidential documents, and -- this will AMAZE you -- tried to discredit the agency's anti-smoking efforts.

The report says the campaign dates back as far as 1988, but is still going on today.

A spokesman for Philip Morris said the old company documents quoted in the report do not reflect the changed attitudes of today's tobacco companies.

In any case, Big Tobacco need not worry about the World Health Organization. America still calls the tune in the UN, and America is not likely to do anything to inhibit overseas tobacco sales.

Because that's how those big court settlements are going to be paid. This week's increase in the wholesale price of cigarettes -- that applies to overseas sales too, remember.

It's very clever really: through the tobacco settlement, the states have figured out a way to collect money not just from their own taxpayers, but the whole world.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS PLATFORM
Moved: 8/3/2000 7:27
CBS-PLATFORM 8/7/2000

What Republicans believe. This is DR...

The new revised GOP platform has been officially approved and it includes a few changes from the last one four years ago. So for those of you who use the platform as your life guide, here's a brief summary of the changes in your belief system.

In 1996, when the dinner conversation turned to the Department of Education, you were obliged to say "get rid of it," because it (QUOTE) "meddled in our schools."

Today, however, it has been redeemed. Now when the subject of Education comes up, you are to call for (QUOTE) "bold reforms." You do not mention the Department of Education Department but instead say that you want to make every school a place of "learning and achievement" for every child. That's to distinguish yourself from people who want every school to be a place of ignorance and sloth for every child.

To be a good Republican in 1996, you had to sound the warning about illegal immigrants even for legal immigrants lapping at the public trough. That could have led to a moral dilemma over the guys you just hired to work in the garden out back. But that's not a problem anymore. The new platform sends a clear message -- particularly to immigrants and minorities, (QUOTE) "This is the party of freedom and progress, and it is your home." Immigrants are officially GOOD guys again.

All this change in the basic Republican belief system has got to be a little traumatic, but take comfort -- at least one thing has not changed -- the sex plank. Good Republicans want schools to stick to abstinence education, and still define marriage as one man and one woman. 

For this election cycle anyway.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS DEMONSTRATIONS
Moved: 8/3/2000 7:27
CBS-DEMONSTRATIONS 8/7/2000

When no news is news. This is DR... 

Watching the GOP Convention from out here in Seattle, and noticing that some of the same groups that thronged OUR streets during WTO planned to throng Philadelphia's streets, I've been waiting for the tear gas to fly. Waiting for the bang of the flash grenades and the sting of the plastic bullets.

All the ingredients were there: the demonstrators who couldn't get permits vowed to march without them. The police said they would enforce the law. And indeed they started off drawing a line in the sand at city hall to prevent the demonstrators from marching to the convention center.

But then a strange thing happened. A Camp David moment. The police traded land for peace. Deputy Police Chief Sylvester Johnson, instead of holding his ground, joined the march -- all three miles of it.

Instead of forming a blockade, the cops became an escort -- clearing the streets to the delight of the demonstrators, who chanted "Whose streets? Our streets."

But the protestors had learned something too. They put children and paraplegics in wheelchairs right up front which probably helped defuse any police overreaction, but ALSO would work to defuse the rogue elements in their own ranks.

-- Something about a group of children that makes setting dumpster fires seem inappropriate.

And though they might have OWNED the streets, they didn't break up into roving bands handcuffing themselves at key intersections.

The Republicans seem to have unleashed an epidemic of moderation. -- First in the convention hall, and now, it's spilled into the streets. It must be driving the reporters nuts.

Now this... 
Index 

CBS CONVENTION2
Moved: 8/3/2000 7:26
CBS-CONVENTION2 7/31/2000

Out of the closet. This is DR...

One of the reasons George W. Bush polls so well is that he has carefully cultivated a moderate image. He wants to make it clear that this is not the in-your-face hyper-partisan Republican party of old. THIS is a party that no longer wants to abolish the Department of Education, and no longer insists on making English the official language. This is the party that during the platform debate adopted language welcoming all views on the abortion issue -- until the delegates realized the mistake and quickly held another vote -- but still, you could see diversity.

Indeed, the opening ceremonies were a celebration of diversity of the kind that Republican talk show hosts used to ridicule. 

Standing behind Committee Chairman Jim Nicholson was a children's honor guard that appeared exactly balanced between children of color and non color; the pledge was led by a man with a seeing eye dog; the Star spangled banner was sung by an advocate for the homeless; the invocation was delivered by a Lutheran minister of color. 

And then -- I surfed to the New York Times and read the latest CBS/Times poll which found that they are 90% white, mostly male and middle age, and are weighted towards lawyers and business executives who support large tax cuts, support school vouchers, support free trade, oppose gun control, oppose tough environmental safeguards, oppose prescription drug subsidies for old people and oppose campaign finance regulation. 

I guess that's the job of a modern Presidential candidate -- to be so charming that voters overlook the fact that the true believers who attend these conventions can be just a LITTLE bit scary.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CONVENTION1
Moved: 8/3/2000 7:26
CBS-CONVENTION 7/31/2000

Let's Focus, people. This is DR...

Republican Pollster Frank Luntz, famous for being the man who conceived the GOP Contract With America six years ago, assembled 36 swing voters in a focus group. And thirty-five said they had no interest in watching the Republican National Convention.

The latest polls all show the same public mood: about two-thirds of Americans plan to watch no more than a fraction of the convention coverage. 

And of course party officials pretend to be depressed about this, they lament the mass disengagement from the political process -- but I don't think they're really worried.

Why? Because no matter how disengaged Americans are, there WILL be an election, and people will eventually have to vote. And if they managed to avoid watching the convention because it wasn't broadcast in prime time -- that' OK because they will NOT be able to avoid the campaign ads -- which WILL run in prime time, and which the parties can control even more than the conventions.

So I don't think the parties are too worried about the lack of interest in the conventions. What they're worried about is people like Shani Risien, a mother from Mount Airy Pennsylvania, who, after being show a series of campaign ads, told the focus group over the weekend that she really liked Al Gore's education policies. But when she started listing those policies, the pollsters realized, to their horror, she was talking NOT about a Gore ad, but about a BUSH ad.

Now -- our system isn't going to collapse because everybody ignores the conventions. But if voters can't even keeps the ADS straight... THEN we're in trouble.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NUDE
Moved: 7/27/2000 12:47
CBS-NUDE 7/27/2000

Out of uniform -- and why not? This is DR...

Sherry Lynne White as been discharged from the Navy, not because of misconduct aboard ship or incompetence -- by all accounts her eight year career in the Navy was trouble free.

And then -- she sent a nude photo to Playboy -- which was published in the Grapevine section of the February issue. Neither the photo nor the caption mentioned that Ms. White was in the Navy, but her superiors found out -- apparently copies of Playboy occasionally show up on US Naval vessels -- and they told her to ask Playboy NOT to exploit her any further.

Her superiors must have been speaking in a foreign tongue, because instead of telling Playboy not to publish any more photos, she arranged to do a full pictorial fo the September issue, which, includes a picture of her IN uniform -- and a larger picture of her OUT of uniform.

She then informed her superiors of this, and they informed her she was out.

Now I understand that she disobeyed orders... but tell me this -- is the US Navy NUTS? 

Can you think of a better recruiting incentive than Sherry Lynne White? Can you think of anyone better suited to encourage the healthy heterosexual mindset that seems to be so important to military readiness?

She was right under their noses, and they cut her loose! Instead they'll run TV ads showing a guy with a crewcut soldering circuit boards. "Learn neat skills while bobbing around in the ocean." Oooo! I'll sign right up!

No! If you want to attract hot blooded heterosexuals, you want to be able to hand a recruit the September Playboy and say... you know son, join the Navy, and you could be taking orders from THAT!

Now this....

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS VIOLENCE
Moved: 7/27/2000 12:46
CBS-VIOLENCE 7/27/2000

I smell lawsuit. This is DR....

Here it is again -- another study of violence in the media -- and you'll never guess what the conclusion is! Oh! You guessed! The conclusion of four top medical groups is that all forms of entertainment media, TV, movies, and video games, contribute to increased aggression.

It's now beyond question: there is a link between media exposure and violence.

In other words, TV and movies are just another form of cigarette.

You know what that means. CLASS ACTION SUIT.

What else can all this possibly lead to? Study after study links entertainment with violent behavior.

The only question now is -- who gets sued.

Will it be the networks -- well, the networks can argue that they've cooperated with Congress by setting up a rating system and incorporating the V chip into TV sets.

The movie industry? Well, for years the movie industry has employed a rating system, PLUS, it invites movie critics to free screening so they can warn parents in great detail about the content. The VIDEO game industry? Well, it uses ratings as well, and sometimes games require special passwords to get to the bloodier screens.

So you know what we're left with. Who lets the TV into the home. Who pays the cable bill? Who has a V-chip but doesn't use it? Who allows the computer in the bedroom? Who provides transportation to the R-rated movie?

It's a no-brainer. The Attorneys general are going to have to work up a class action lawsuit and sue the pants off America's parents.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS MOTTO
Moved: 7/27/2000 12:46
CBS-MOTTO 7/26/2000

Motto lotto. This is DR...

The House has been passing a last-minute flurry of bills before the campaign recess -- and among them, a resolution, passed by voice vote, that officially encourages displaying the national motto ``In God We Trust'' in public buildings. 

Sponsor Rep. Bob Schaffer, R-Colorado, says the motto ``unites us as a people and has made us the greatest country on the planet. We should endorse it and embrace it.'' Rep. Ronnie Shows, D-Mississippi agreed, saying ``It should be engraved into our national conscience."

This follows last year's bill urging the display of the Ten Commandments in public offices and schools, and last month's bill in support of the Ohio state motto, ``With God, all things are possible."

But in all these matters, we are left to wonder -- do mottos REALLY do any good? And in the case of "In God We Trust," do they bring us closer to God, which I'm pretty sure is the whole idea even if the sponsors never put it that way.

Well, let's see.

In God We Trust has been on our money since Abraham Lincoln put it there in 1864, so it's certainly had time to settle in. It's on every bill and coin.

It's on the hundred dollar bill which became notorious as a tool to snort cocaine. It's on the twenties that people use to tip strippers.

It's on the tens, that people lay down on the black jack table.

And it's on the fives that that buy the latest issue of Penthouse.

Well, maybe it will work better on buildings. 

But I think think the house needs to pass a resolution urging it be taken off the money.

Lincoln may have wanted it there, but I can't imagine God does.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS JERUSALEM
Moved: 7/27/2000 12:46
CBS-JERUSALEM 7/26/2000

Running a sacred city. This is DR....

The latest mideast peace talks have failed, after two weeks of shared meals, walks in the woods, and sleepless nights. Under the rule that nothing is agreed to unless everything is agreed to, the two sides couldn't agree who gets Jerusalem, and so they left empty handed.

The President said all sides agreed on allowing unfettered access to religious facilities, but on control of the city -- zero.

So that's the big sticking point. Who has sovereignty over Jerusalem.

Well, let's examine this. 

Sacred though Jerusalem may be, it is still a city with the same day to day needs of any city. So while having sovereignty over Jerusalem certainly has symbolic value, the PRACTICAL effect is determining who's in charge of the water, the sewers, the timing of the traffic lights, fixing the potholes, and making sure the police come.

Technically, the US government has sovereignty over New York City, but what ordinary people really care about is who's in charge of making sure your axle doesn't break on the way to work, things like that.

So, please don't throw any rocks, but maybe Yasser Arafat should get a chance to prove he can carry out these mundane municipal chores. Maybe he SHOULD get to run the Old City if that's what he wants. I know you extremists don't think the Old City can be trusted to an Arafat Administration, but why not let him try? He may do a decent job.

And if he doesn't -- I think he will learn that some issues transcend ethnicity. If the toilets start backing up, even his own people wouldn't hesitate to throw him out.

Now this.

This is DR.... 
Index 

CBS DRUGS
Moved: 7/25/2000 7:40
CBS-DRUGS 7/25/2000

America's drug culture. This is DR...

Americans feel screwed by the drug makers. They've noticed that the ulcer pill that costs $1.03 in the US costs 13 cents in Canada. Same company, same pills. They've noticed that the diabetes pill that costs 62 cents here costs 7 cents in Canada.

The reason is that Canada, Mexico, and many other countries limit what drug companies can charge for prescription medicines. America, believing in free enterprise and the right to earn a profit, does not.

One thing puzzled me. Since drug companies ALSO believe in profit why would they agree to sell at all in Canada? So I put that question to Jeff Truitt of the Pharmecutical Research & Manufacturers of America:

TAPE:

But still -- just because Canada passes prices controls doesn't mean a drug company can be forced to sell at a loss. Surely there is limit to corporate compassion:

TAPE:

I'm betting that's a safe guess.

Apparently the reason drug companies are willing to sell diabetes medication in Canada for 7 cents a pill is that they can make a profit charging 7 cents a pill. Which means even if they are just breaking EVEN at 7 cents, when they sell the same pill in the United states for 62 cents, they make a profit of about 800%.

So that essentially sick Americans are subsidizing sick Canadians.

SO the next time you pay eight or none times what other countries pay for prescription medicine, don't be angry. Don't think of it as being overcharged. Think of it as providing foreign aid! Feel better?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CONVENTIONS
Moved: 7/25/2000 7:40
CBS-CONVENTIONS 7/25/2000

Political survivors. This is DR...

The networks have officially pronounced the upcoming political conventions boring -- and now that George W. Bush has picked his vice president, even that little nugget of suspense is gone.

Which inspired this e-mail from Edson Hendricks who listens on KNX in Los Angeles:

Dear Dave:

What I want to know is why the Republicans [and] the Democrats ... are
so darn muddle-headed!

Don't they know about "reality-based TV" programming? ...

All they'd need to do would be to [lock] in all of the delegates and participants, cutting off food and water (preferably air as well), making them form coalitions to vote to decide which of the other coalitions to expel, etc., until all that's left are the candidates and those who put them there! They could have all the [TV] time they want, and they could get their REAL message across..."

Best regards,
Edson...

Very clever, Edson. But I'm not sure EVEN that would increase interest. 

You see, we already have this system. 535 people confined on a special federal island, who go to work in a building wired for pictures and sound. It's called Congress. There are now two 24 hour cable channels devoted to this show. Each year they're handed 1.6 trillion dollars and told to fight over it.

And then every two years, we get a chance to vote them off the island.

But here's the thing -- we hardly ever DO vote them off island. That's why some of them are older than the statues.

Nope, Americans are too prosperous and sedentary right now. Which means if it doesn't wear a bikini, we're not interested.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS GAS PRICES
Moved: 7/24/2000 7:17
CBS-GAS PRICES 7/24/2000

It's another conspiracy! This is DR....

I don't want to shock anybody, but we are learning today that gas prices are on the way down. Over the past two weeks the average price of gas nationwide dropped six cents a gallon, thanks to a huge drop of 17 cents a gallon in the Midwest.

Something isn't right here.

What happened to the gas conspiracy? Remember? Not two months ago the Arab nations were out to get us. The oil companies were out to get us. There were congressional investigations. There was an e-mail campaign for a one-day gas boycott. Even conservatives were talking government intervention -- they wanted to tap the petroleum reserve to make sure everybody would have enough for their 250-horsepower slab-sided urban kid carriers. 

The gnashing of teeth was deafening.

For while it looked like the only way to get the gas prices below $2 was to sell it by the quart.

But what happened? Oil companies saw the high prises and said -- "we can make a killing by selling more gas." So they brought in more gas. They brought in too much gas. Now, just like every car dealer, they're overstocked -- everything must go!

The latest survey shows that even in Chicago, gas stations have taken the "2" out of the dollars column, and prices since last month are down by 55 cents a gallon.

How did it happen? I'm sure there will be investigations, but the reason COULD be that when people began to complain that the government must DO something about the supply and demand for gasoline, the government, for once, acted swiftly and decisively and did exactly what needed to be done.

That being, nothing.

Now this. This is DR... 
Index 

CBS PLAYBOY
Moved: 7/24/2000 7:17
CBS-PLAYBOY 7/24/2000

Party on. This is DR...

The Democrats, you'd think, would want to avoid any mention of the word "sex" this year. That's one reason they like Al Gore -- he carries absolutely NO erotic baggage.

And yet on August 15th, during the Convention, they will host a $5000 per person fund raiser at the Playboy Mansion in Los Angeles, from 10 p.m. to 2 a.m. 

The party is to raise money for Hispanic Unity, a PAC for Hispanic candidates, and it was organized by Representative Loretta Sanchez. She's the democrat who unseated Republican Robert Dornan, an arch-conservative who, if he ever went to the Playboy mansion, would bring blankets to throw over the Bunnies.

There is one redeeming aspect to the Playboy party -- it's giving several high profile Democrats a chance to state publicly that they won't be going.

Vice President Gore has made it clear HE will not be going. Gloria Allred, feminist attorney, said it "borders on the pornographic." She won't be going.

And Rep. Patrick Kennedy of Rhode Island says HE certainly won't be going.

Meantime, the Republicans gleefully pointed out that they would earn the Hispanic vote the old fashioned way - by using Hispanic youth choirs and Hispanic veterans. I'm sure the Democrats thought about that, but had trouble finding anyone who'd pay $5000 a person to spend a late evening with childrens choirs and war veterans.

People say there is NO major difference between the parties anymore. I think there is still one major difference. Republicans are the party in favor of guns, whereas the Democrats are the party that uses them to shoot themselves in the foot.

Now this. This is DR... 
Index 

CBS WIRELESS
Moved: 7/21/2000 8:02
CBS-WIRELESS 7/20/2000

Don't be coy. This DR...

A trade group representing the wireless phone industry has decided that makers of cell phones must disclose information on the radiation levels produced by their handsets.

Every so often reports have been popping up about the possibility that holding an antenna so close to your head can mess with your brain. There is nothing conclusive, but the Cellular Telecommunications Industry Association wants to be on the safe side, so starting in about three months, cell phones will come packaged with the new information. But it won't be on the outside of the box.

They plan to put it INSIDE the box.

The problem with putting it INSIDE the box, of course, is that the box is OPAQUE, so you won't be able to see this information when you buy the phone.

Like putting nutrition information on the INSIDE of the can.

It's actually printed on the instructions, but we know what typically happens to instructions. (CRUMPLE)

I just want to point out that the tobacco industry played coy with safety concerns and looks where THEY ended up. 

If the cell phone industry wants to be on the safe side, it should start printing scary warnings on the OUTSIDE of the box, and do it now.

Warn people that cell phone emissions could cause this, could cause that, warn them about second-hand emissions, make it up if you have to. Don't worry - people will continue buying them anyway, just as they kept buying cigarettes.

Heck -- you've sold 95 million in the US in just the past five years. Of course, that's your other problem. You could be sued for having an addictive product.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS McCAIN
Moved: 7/21/2000 8:02
CBS-McCAIN 7/21/2000

John McCain as vice president. Right! This is DR...

Just when the Presidential race was stuck in the ratings basement -- there is a John McCain boomlet. Some House Republicans are circulating a letter urging Bush to select McCain as his vice president. 

And then McCain himself had a conversation with Pennsylvania Governor Tom Ridge -- in which he said that he didn't think he was being considered, but... yes, he would be willing to serve as Bush's vice presidential running mate, IF HE WAS ASKED.

Ha ha ha! Pardon me while a pinch myself -- No! It appears I AM awake.

GW Bush, vague, deferential, and diplomatic -- John McCain, straight talk and in your face. Still calls his Vietnamese captors GOOKS.

GW Bush, friend of the businessman -- John McCain a man who says things like: "I'm not giving tax cuts for the rich" and "it's time to end corporate subsidies."

GW Bush, stumped on the names of world leaders; John McCain, foreign policy expert and war hero.

GW Bush, former baseball team owner, John McCain former Prisoner of War.

GW Bush, a man who demands loyalty -- John McCain the man who, when he finally endorsed Bush last May, compared it to taking medicine.

GW Bush, fan of giant tax cuts -- John McCain, fan of paying off the debt first.

GW Bush, Yale educated son of a career politician -- John McCain, son and grandson of Navy Admirals, who used to beat up kids like that.

John McCain as vice-president. Ha ha ha! 

(SERIOUS) But speaking for pundits everywhere, OH, please God -- please make it so!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MARRIAGE3
Moved: 7/21/2000 8:01
CBS-MARRIAGE3 7/20/2000

The road to hell. This is DR...

The bill cutting taxes for married couples has passed the house, and Republicans are urging President Clinton to reconsider his veto threats and sign it.

He has indicated he may do just that IF the Republicans extend medicare coverage to prescription drugs.

Now THERE's a deal! I'll agree to cut taxes we haven't collected yet if you agree to a new program paid for by the taxes we won't be collecting!

After a brief hiatus of bi-partisan temperance, DEBT has suddenly re-captured its erotic appeal.

Since no one else is doing it WE must remind OURSELVES that this surplus we hear so much about ... DOESN'T exist! It's a PROJECTION.

The National Debt is down from the beginning of the month, but it is actually up 15 billion since the beginning of the fiscal year. A small fraction of what the increase USED to be, but the nation is still five trillion, six hundred seventy one BILLION 573 MILLION dollars in debt.

I'd like to stop paying taxes. I also like to stop paying my credit card, utility, and phone bills. But once in a while we must flush the hallucinogens out of our system.

Between the marriage tax break, and the estate tax break -- so that the dead can take their investments into the pyramid -- a trillion dollars debt-reducing dollars won't be coming in.

I warn every politician: if you stand there and tell the taxpayers it's THEIR money and forget to mention the 5.6 TRILLION, your noses will start growing. And pretty soon Alan Greenspan will notice there there is a lot of irrational protuberance in the land, and we'll be right back in interest rate hell.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GREENLAND
Moved: 7/21/2000 8:01
CBS-GREENLAND 7/21/2000

It's melting! This is DR...

Today's global warming update is that Greenland is melting.

Scientists have determined that a warming climate is melting more than 50 billion tons of water a year from the Greenland ice sheet, adding to a 9-inch global rise in sea level over the past century and increasing the risk of coastal flooding around the world. 

This is not speculation, or some wild-eyed report issued by a U-N committee.

This is the result of a high-tech NASA survey showing that more than 11 cubic miles of ice is disappearing from the Greenland ice sheet every year -- equivalent to 1.25 trillion gallons.

And you know what THAT means: you may one day be the proud owner of beachfront property -- without even moving!

But here's the good news. Usually the warnings we hear are about Antarctica melting or the North Pole melting. This is different. This is GREENLAND melting.

Why is that good news? Because unlike the North Pole or Antarctica, we KNOW who owns Greenland!

Greenland is a territory of Denmark. So clearly it is up to the government of Denmark to do something here.

They can put up big tarps to block the sunshine. Build a dike around the thing. But this point is, for once, this isn't our problem!

It's Denmark's responsibility.

And if the Danish government is content to sit there and let the darn thing melt -- well, WE'LL see you in court. You thought the TOBACCO companies had trouble -- just you wait.

Now this. 
Index 

HILLARY3.CBS 07/18/00 9:0
Moved: 7/19/2000 7:25
HILLARY3.CBS 07/18/00 9:06 PM-DLR 

Is she or isn't she? This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

New Yorkers are still agonizing over whether Hillary Clinton is anti-Semitic or not. Some Jewish leaders think that she is. And her remark to a campaign manager 26 years ago -- is just the latest confirmation of this.

-- Even though it was 26 years ago and even though the guy she yelled at, isn't even Jewish.

Her critics point to her comments supporting a Palestinian state, and her infamous embrace of Yasser Arafat's wife Suha, right after Suha had accused Israel of poisoning Palestinians. 

But does that make her anti-Semitic, as in hating Jewish people? I think maybe we're getting some terms confused here.

Now there's no denying that like most politicians, indeed like anyone whose words are meticulously recorded, Hillary will sometimes say something, and then have to "clarify it" which usually involves reversing the meaning entirely. After embracing Mrs. Arafat, for example, Mrs. Clinton had to issue a statement rebuking her for her scurrilous remarks about mass poisoning. 

In the Whitewater case, Hillary was always clarifying what she knew and what she didn't know. Like all politicians, she toys with the meaning of words to influence her audience.

Politics is ALL ABOUT toying with the meaning of words to influence the audience. In fact, there's a name for the art of word-manipulation: It's called SEMANTICS.

SO I think what Hillary's critics are trying to say is that she is AUDIBLY-SEMANTIC. Which is to say -- she plays politics. It's an easy mistake to make.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DISTRACTED
Moved: 7/19/2000 7:25
CBS-DISTRACTED 7/19/2000

Government regulators have determined that American drivers are distracted. This is DR...

Yes -- I saw the tests on TV. Test drivers were filmed on a closed track, and experts found that when a driver is trying to tune the radio or talk on a cell phone, or to place a bid on their in-dash web browser, they tend to drift out of the lane.

POSSIBLY because they're NOT WATCHING THE ROAD.

Yes, the latest research shows that in order to drive well, you must WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!

Don't worry, though, car makers are responding -- with a whole new series of gadgets that understand VOICE commands. So that the only time you'll have to look at your display screen is when it doesn't do what you thought you told it to do. "No! Turn on lights, not turn right!"

The solution is clear, but we already know that it won't work. The solution is to pull over when ever you feel you have to take your eyes off the road. But no one is going to pull over to eat or put on makeup or talk on the cell phone because if they had the time to do that, they would have done it before they left.

About all you could do is pass a law that makes people wake up a half hour earlier. But then you'd have just have people dozing off while applying makeup.

No, the only thing to do is what the airlines do. Co-pilots.

Steering wheels on both the left and the right, so that drivers who need to groom themselves or read novels on the way to work can team up and spell each other. When one driver is putting on make-up, or eating, or taking a sponge bath, the other can be watching the road and actually driving.

Now this. 
Index 

JESUS E MAIL
Moved: 7/17/2000 8:59
Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality
of Jesus.

Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a
heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered
their evidence........

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was bilingual
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities

But then there were equally good arguments that....

JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial

But then there were equally good arguments that....

JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was
sure he was God

But then there were equally good arguments that....

JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil

But then there were equally good arguments that....

JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He started a new religion

But then there were equally good arguments that....

JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures

But perhaps the most compelling evidence.....

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there
was no food
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of
men who just didn't get it
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there
was more work to do... 
Index 

CBS SMOKERS
Moved: 7/17/2000 7:33
CBS-SMOKERS 7/17/2000

Final justice. This is DR...

Attorneys for the tobacco industry are back in court today to try to reduce last week's big damage award.

One of the jurors in the Florida smoking lawsuit said the 145 billion dollars was meant to send a message to the tobacco companies that it can no longer be business as usual. 

But it WILL be business as usual. You can't punish a corporation. Corporations don't bleed. 

The money is NOT going to come from the corporate execs who lied about tobacco. It will come from sales revenues. And how will the corporations get those revenues? By going into the organic vegetable business and selling pesticide-free string beans? No! Selling cigarettes!

If you really wanted to exact some sort of punishment, you'd send the execs to JAIL. 

We are all very sorry for people who get sick from a smoking habit they couldn't control. But you know who we should be even sorrier for? All the OTHER people who had to breathe in their smoke. 

The people who for so many years had to breathe smoke in cars, office buildings, airplanes and restaurants even though they never picked up a cigarette. 

-- Who as children had to GROW UP breathing all that smoke. 

-- Who were subjected to the fire hazards created by smokers.

And the litter! Untold numbers of cigarette butts along highways, in stairwells, in parking lots.

Yes, if LAWSUITS are the way we address the smoking problem, then I see ANOTHER big one coming -- when the smokers finally get their money, I expect they'll be sued by the NON-SMOKERS. They're the ones who REALLY had no choice.

Now this.

This is DR.... 
Index 

CBS HILLARY
Moved: 7/17/2000 7:33
CBS-HILLARY 7/17/2000

Finally -- a meaty issue in the New York Senate campaign. This is DR...

A new book on Hillary says she has a salty tongue -- that on the night in 1974 that husband bill lost his race to represent Arkansas in Congress, she called her husband's campaign manager, Paul Fray, (QUOTE) a "Jew Bastard" (UNQUOTE)

You may wonder why anyone would bring up a remark that may have been uttered 26 years ago. The reason is -- that remarks made back in the 70s, when the concept of politicians taping everything they say was relatively novel, can be argued endlessly without fear that some definitive evidence will show up.

I don't know Mr. Fray, but if he is Jewish, to call him a Jew is merely to describe him. As for "bastard" -- certainly a mean word, but it carries no ethnicity -- the simple insertion of a semi-colon between the two would defuse the issue.

Hillary, however, could not let this pass and so called reporters to Chappaqua for a 15 minute news conference during which she said (QUOTE) "I have in the past certainly, maybe, called somebody a name, but I have never used an ethnic, racial, anti-Semitic, bigoted, discriminatory or prejudiced accusation against anybody. (UNQUOTE).

Asked if she was denying ever making the statement, she said "You're damn right."

OK OK! We believe you! We assume if you hated ethnic groups of ANY kind you wouldn't be running for senate from New York.

And now that you've made it clear that you would never use an ethnic slur, even when you're mad, we know that if you said anything to Mr Fray it was "Unsavory Rapscallion." Or "Get thee hence, thou unwholesome brigand."

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DISTRACTED
Moved: 7/6/2000 12:03
CBS-DISTRACTED 6/28/2000

Driving while distracted. This is DR....

Maybe you saw this story -- DATELINE WASHINGTON -- Drivers focusing on newspapers, makeup, snacks, cell phones or other diversions that prevent concentrating on the road cause at least 4,000 accidents a day.

According to a telephone survey, 85 percent said they regularly talk to passengers while driving, or adjust the radio, or eat, read, make calls, tidy up -- people treat cars like an extension of the home. 

So the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration is taking action. It plans to find out whether the makers of devices like cell phones are taking into account the distractions their products cause.

The implication being when a driver flips the car while making a call on his cell phone, it's the PHONE's fault! "The phone made me swerve." It's the manufacturer's fault. When a driver swerves reaching for gum in the glove compartment, its the glove compartment's fault. "Why do they put it way over there anyway?"

And can you imagine the number of accidents restaurants cause? Just by having drive-up windows? 

No. I think the problem here is driver training.

The Driver Ed classes our kids take just aren't doing the job. The key here is simply to train drivers better. Driver Ed classes -- what do they teach? How to signal. What to do when you hear a siren.

That's not what drivers need to know. What drivers need to know is, How to safely eat and steer. How to safely eat, steer and talk. How to safely eat, steer, talk on the phone and flip off truck drivers ... while holding a sandwich between your knees. Safely.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BOYSCOUTS2
Moved: 7/6/2000 12:03
CBS-BOYSCOUTS 6/28/2000

Our boys will be kept pure. This is DR...

The Supreme Court has ruled 5-4 against James Dale -- the former Eagle Scout who lost his position as assistant scoutmaster when a newspaper article revealed he was gay. Dale came through the ranks as an Eagle Scout, earned 30 merit badges, and then it came out in a newspaper article that he was a member of a gay activist group, so out he went. The Scouts never alleged he was trying to recruit; just that he was gay and so he was out. Period.

When they heard oral arguments back in April, the justices seemed most concerned about the effect of their decision on other organizations. Ruling that the Scouts have NO right to kick out a known gay scoutmaster -- might mean that the Knights of Columbus would have to accept a known non-Catholic.

The court was ALSO worried about whether the scouts were being consistent -- as in, if you kick out a gay scoutmaster because gayness is immoral -- then you shouldn't you also kick out a heterosexual scoutmaster who has pre-marital sex?

But in the end, the court accepted the Scouts argument that Scouting is a private organization, and has a right to set its own standards -- one of which is sexual behavior. Except that is never explicitly stated in the application process. The ban is based on the term "morally straight" in the scout oath.

And moreover, the Scouts have said they don't intend to make it any more explicit than that. They do not intend to ask scoutmasters their sexual orientation, nor will they follow them around to see what bars they visit.

[Dale's orientation came out because he was a member of a gay rights group. There are no pre-marital sex rights groups that I know of, unless you count fraternities.]

So what today's ruling means is, you can still BE a gay scout leader -- just stay out of the newspapers.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS AIR CONDITIONING
Moved: 7/6/2000 7:24
CBS-AIR CONDITIONING 7/6/2000

Too darn hot. This is DR...

You've heard the warnings: thanks to air conditioners, and computers -- which no one turns off anymore -- the demand for electricity has been increasing 2% a year while generating capacity has not.

As a result there have already been rolling blackouts in the San Francisco Bay area and other areas may be next.

So Congress is ready to take action. It's going to STUDY the issue.

Well, you can never get too many studies, but I have a funny feeling we may already know what the problem is.

According to the reports today, the areas facing the biggest shortages are New Mexico, Arizona, southern Nevada and California. Now what do we know about New Mexico, Arizona, southern Nevada and California? Lots of people have been moving there. And why do they move there? They move there for the sunshine! Sunshine... HOT. Is there anybody who DOESN'T know that New Mexico, Arizona, and southern Nevada tend to be hot?

Never mind the electricity -- wait until they discover there isn't a lot of naturally-occurring water either.

So I'm sure the Congressional study will come up with excellent solutions like more power plants -- but maybe a simpler answer would be just to put signs along the interstate saying "Entering A Really HOT area." Just to give people a heads up.

In the meantime, there's always the solution we use when traffic gets too heavy: pooling. Cool-pooling. Choose one person in the neighborhood who gets to use the air conditioner, and on hot days, all go over to THAT person's house. Set up a few video cameras and you could probably sell it to a network.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FLIGHT ATTENDANTS
Moved: 7/6/2000 7:24
CBS-AIR RAGE 7/6/2000

Coffee, tea, or strait jacket? This is DR...

All the signs indicate that air rage is getting out of hand, and the unions representing flight attendants and ground crews want it stopped. They've declared a ``day of action'' demanding stronger security measures.

In the US alone there were 500 mid-air incidents involving unruly passengers compared to 66 three years ago.

Some of the problems are minor -- like a cigarette in the restroom. But there was the incident last year when a passenger broke an interior window telling passengers that they would ``get sucked out and die.''

And there was the incident last March when a passenger broke into the cockpit, lunged for the controls and shouted, ``I'm going to kill you.'' And then Tuesday, a Continental Airlines flight returned to Anchorage after a passenger threw a can of beer at a flight attendant and bit a pilot on the arm. 

Disrupting a flight can carry a sentence of 20 years in prison, but if you're willing to BITE the pilot or break windows so that people will get sucked out, you're probably not thinking about prison.

And since we don't have airport scanners that can detect psychosis -- I think what we need is... bigger flight attendants. They could be male or female, but they need to be big and scary.

Instead of showing you how to buckle your seat belt -- which I think most of us have figured out by now -- demonstrate how handcuffs work. And maybe a choke hold. "And in the event any of you don't observe the No Smoking sign, Sven here will take his right arm and do THIS."

"The charge for headphones is $4 and we would APPRECIATE EXACT CHANGE."

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FREEDOM
Moved: 7/5/2000 13:19
CBS-FREEDOM 7/4/2000

A dangerous document. This is DR...

Each year at this time we celebrate freedom. Well, SOME of us do. Others wonder where it went. They say its time we had ANOTHER Declaration of Independence. In fact, according to an e-mail I received from a member of the Christian Patriot movement -- Mel Gibson's new movie about the American Revolution is as current as the headlines.

They consider the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms today's redcoats, and compare that scene where the Red Coats burn down a church to Waco.

They look at today's government and see another King George, hurling threats at his subjects and undermining rule of law.

And maybe they're right. Any government gets ossified after a while, even a representative government. It gets mired in bureaucracy, it can be hijacked by politicians who become part of a Washington culture supported by wealthy corporations with private agendas.

And as for us being an independent people -- in truth most of us are completely Dependent. We are no longer the self-sufficient farmers of the 1700s -- our skills are meaningless without a corporation to harness and sell them.

So maybe it IS time for a new Declaration -- maybe it IS time for the new patriots to gather in Philadelphia and restore the country to the values it had in 1776 -- minus the slavery we assume -- and throw off the yoke of the government AND the corporation.

All I ask is, when you guys finally DO overthrow the government -- bring in people like Washington, Madison, Jefferson, Franklin and John Quincy Adams, understand? No McVeighs or Kaczynski's, OK?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ATMS
Moved: 7/5/2000 9:22
CBS-ATMS 7/5/2000

Naked again. This is DR...

A federal judge has ruled it doesn't matter that voters in San Francisco and Santa 
Monica approved bans on those annoying ATM surcharges.

U.S. District Judge Vaughn Walker ruled that the banks have a right to impose them, and no local law can stop them. Only the federal government can do that, and since it hasn't, the surcharges STAY.

Once again, we, the bank customers of America, stand naked before the rapacious corporations. Once again, we are supine on the altar of greed. Surrounded by mosquitos with MBAs eager to suck us dry.

And that's why I carry... this: a credit card!

By simply using a credit card instead of cash, the MERCHANT has to pay the oppressive surcharge. The MERCHANT is forced to fall prostrate before the rapacious corporation. And best of all, when I use this credit card to buy something FROM a rapacious corporation, I can force one rapacious corporation to ravish another rapacious corporation!

So I just want to reassure the voters of San Francisco and Santa Monica that all is NOT lost! The other thing you can do is this: instead of using the ATMs, physically walk INTO your bank on payday -- and GET SOME CASH. And here's the key -- don't forget this part -- CARRY THAT CASH WITH YOU! Ha ha ha! Now you've tricked them! Now you don't need no stinkin' ATMs! Plus, you actually visited a TELLER which REALLY annoys them.

But Dave, you say, my bank CHARGES for going to the teller too. Well then , what you do is stand there and say, in a voice a little louder than necessary, "You mean, the bank is unable to give me ALL my money?" That can be pretty effective.

Now this... 
Index 

CBS TEACHERS
Moved: 7/5/2000 9:22
CBS-TEACHERS 7/5/2000

A piece of the action. This is DR...

The average teacher in America makes about 40-thousand-500 dollars -- and they don't like it. The tech boom makes it even more painful -- teachers realize they could make more working for the nerdy kid in the computer room.

Teachers Unions are debating whether to push for bonus pay: better pay based on performance. Some teachers hate the idea because they're worried the increases might be based on something other than competence.

Welcome to the world.

But there's another way. How do CEOs make their dough? How do Microsoft millionaires get that way? A piece of the action!

You want to motivate teachers? Give THEM a piece of the action: a share of the profits EARNED BY THEIR STUDENTS. The teachers who nurtured Bill Gates -- shouldn't they get more than just a thank you note? The high school coaches who encouraged Mark McGwire -- don't they deserve more than just an autograph?

A percentage of the federal taxes that these successful people pay should be rebated to the teachers who taught them. Today's computerized record keeping would make it easy to do.

And THEN you'd see some motivated teachers!

But Dave, you say, that's unfair, because people like Gates and Griffey are NATURALS -- they'd have succeeded no matter WHO taught them.

Well yes, and some car buyers are easy customers -- but the salesman still gets his commission!

In any case - the point is to MOTIVATE teachers to teach well -- and they can't be sure going in who will succeed and who will fail. There's only one way to increase the odds of a payoff -- and that is to make sure they ALL succeed. Just in case.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FREEDOM
Moved: 7/4/2000 9:03
CBS-FREEDOM 7/4/2000

A dangerous document. This is DR...

Each year at this time we celebrate freedom. Well, SOME of us do. Others wonder where it went. They say its time we had ANOTHER Declaration of Independence. In fact, according to an e-mail I received from a member of the Christian Patriot movement -- Mel Gibson's new movie about the American Revolution is as current as the headlines.

They consider the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms today's redcoats, and compare that scene where the Red Coats burn down a church to Waco.

They look at today's government and see another King George, hurling threats at his subjects and undermining rule of law.

And maybe they're right. Any government gets ossified after a while, even a representative government. It gets mired in bureaucracy, it can be hijacked by politicians who become part of a Washington culture supported by wealthy corporations with private agendas.

And as for us being an independent people -- in truth most of us are completely Dependent. We are no longer the self-sufficient farmers of the 1700s -- our skills are meaningless without a corporation to harness and sell them.

So maybe it IS time for a new Declaration -- maybe it IS time for the new patriots to gather in Philadelphia and restore the country to the values it had in 1776 -- minus the slavery we assume -- and throw off the yoke of the government AND the corporation.

All I ask is, when you guys finally DO overthrow the government -- bring in people like Washington, Madison, Jefferson, Franklin and John Quincy Adams, understand? No McVeighs or Kacyzinsky's, OK?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS JULY4
Moved: 7/4/2000 9:03
CBS-JULY4 07/02/00 9:35 PM-DLR 6:49 

Locked and loaded. This is DR...

I love summer, don't you? And today we kick it off with our annual all-American ritual in which we teach our youth how to use large amounts of explosives to frighten pets and small children...

It is the one time of year when Indian tribes get to participate in the arms race.

Cross the border onto an Indian reservation -- like the Muckleshoot reservation outside Seattle -- and you're in a whole new world:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>BOOMTOWN-4
Time: 16s
In-cue: 
Out-cue: FOR THOSE TOO] 

Yes, today any barbecuer can launch a pre-emptive strike.

Which is why it's time for the next step in Pyrotechnics. Someone needs to invent and deploy the anti-ballistic fireworks defense system. Why should homeowners have to live in fear -- wetting down their roofs and locking up their pets? Why should we surrender to rogue neighbors and their unlimited arms budgets?

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>BOOMTOWN-3
Time: 5s
In-cue: 
Out-cue: THREE HUNDRED] 

These people are scary!

But imagine if you had your own arsenal of anti-fireworks fireworks -- designed to shoot the neighbors rogue fireworks out of the sky before they land on your roof. 

You wouldn't have to live in fear. Your rogue neighbors could no longer intimidate you. 

And ... the Pentagon would finally have a market for that new technology they've been developing.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS EVOLUTION
Moved: 7/3/2000 7:20
CBS-EVOLUTION 7/3/2000

Selling evolution. This is DR...

Professors at McGill University in Montreal and at Harvard are concerned that too many Americans still refuse to accept the theory of evolution. So they have set up the new Evolution Education Research Centre, based on the premise is that Americans and Canadians -- aren't being convincingly taught the science that supports the theory. 

They have a considerable challenge -- a Gallup Poll conducted last year found that while forty-nine percent accepted the theory of evolution, 47 percent of Americans still believe God created human beings.

The professors at the Evolution Resource Center hope that by better explaining the SCIENCE behind evolution theory, they will win over more converts. Perhaps a more effective explanation of carbon dating techniques... 

But it's going to take more than that. The only way to get creationists to believe in evolution is to convince them God wants them to.

And so I would use the following argument:

Everybody -- even creationists -- agrees fossils exist. You dig, you get fossils. The farther you dig, the more primitive those fossils get. So if God created the earth 6,000 years ago, that means he created all the fossils and buried them in order of complexity.

And why would he do that? Why would he create fossils, and arrange them in order from simple to complex? Why would he create places like the Grand Canyon to that we could find them?

Because whether life evolved or not -- and we'll never know since we weren't there -- it's clear that God wants us to THINK it evolved.

Otherwise, He went to an awful lot of trouble for nothing.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NERVOUS
Moved: 7/3/2000 7:20
CBS-NERVOUS 7/3/2000

Losing it. This is DR...

Here it is, right before we start bombarding our neighborhoods with loud explosions: a study showing that about a quarter of Americans say they once felt on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Study author Ralph Swindle Jr., using data gathered in 1996, found that more than 26 percent of adults surveyed said they had felt an impending nervous breakdown.

However, before we get all worried that we are surrounded by people who could crack at any moment -- let's first look at who was most likely to say they expected to suffer a nervous breakdown: according to the study, it was young, white single mothers with low incomes and no involvement with organized religion! Hmmm! So now we have learned that being unprepared to raise a child, and having no support group to help you, can lead to stress, depression and anxiety! No big mystery there.

And let's remember something else: the survey was taken in 1996. Consider what was going on in 1996. The nation had just been through a government shutdown. We'd been through the OJ Simpson trial. We'd been through the debate over the Contract with America. We'd been through the Oklahoma City Bombing with militias springing up everywhere. There was the explosion at the Olympics. And finally, there was a nasty Presidential election going on, in which one of the issues was, who would you be more likely to trust baby sitting your children: Bob Dole or Bill Clinton.

Remember that? It was pretty easy to feel stressed in 1996 even if you WEREN'T a single mother. That ONLY 26% of us felt that we might lose it is actually kind of encouraging.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS PRIVILEGE
Moved: 6/29/2000 7:32
PRIVILEG.CBS 06/27/00 3:36 PM-DLR 1:46 

Privilege or right? This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

There are some rights that really ought to 
be privileges, and some privileges that ought to be rights.

For example, you have the right to vote, the right to remain silent, the 
right to sell dirty books, the right to keep and bear 
arms -- and yet DRIVING is a privilege.

How many times have you heard that? Driving is a PRIVILEGE. That 
basically means you drive at the government's option. It means you can be stopped 
if your brakelight is out, if a head light is out, if your license plate 
is crooked. It means if you don't pay your parking tickets or they find a joint in the glove compartment your car can be confiscated -- EVEN if you're completely sober and driving safely.

In America we used to hang horse thieves. Why? Because without your 
horse, you couldn't make a living. Well, it's the same today. Except for certain urban 
centers, without your CAR, you can't earn a living.

And yet there are so many traffic laws, you could boiled them all down to one: the cops can pull you over whenever they feel like it. That's why profiling has become such a problem -- this assumption that driving is merely a privilege has allowed the government to penalize simple mistakes.

If a cop is going to pull you over for a busted brakelight, then he ought to carry a supply of replacement brakelights. If safety is the issue, THAT's something that would actually improve safety.

And yet, the way it stands now... regulating a gun requires an act of Congress, but almost any town in America can set up a speed trap or a checkpoint that restricts your right to drive.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS V CHIPS
Moved: 6/29/2000 7:32
CBS-V-CHIPS 6/28/2000

Will you people PLEASE use those V-chips? This is DR...

The new V-chip equipped TV sets are in the stores, but according to the study released by the University of Pennsylvania, many of you parents aren't using them.

Two in five parents have a v-chip or other device that can block programs with violence, sex and crude language. But only half have activated them.

I suppose we can be grateful that half use them -- but I have a funny feeling that the half who we're talking about is the half that would pay attention to what their children watch even WITHOUT the chip. It's the OTHER half that's the real problem.

Remember the energy we expended on that debate in 1996? How we hailed the Telecommunications Act, requiring all new televisions, 13 inches and larger, sold after Jan. 1 to be equipped with the v-chip technology. Sex and Violence on those little MINIATURE TVs apparently doesn't have the same impact.

Well, they're here. We have sets that will shut themselves off as a violent program comes on.

And yet large numbers of parents don't use the chip, and according to the study, don't even understand the ratings code in the corner of the screen. How bad is it? 70 percent thought ``Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'' was considered educational!

SO NOW what will Congress do? 

There's only thing left TO do: if parents don't understand the V-Chips, Congress must mandate V-Chip chips -- chips that use advanced infrared technology detect the presence of small children in the room, and activate the V-chip automatically, so that children are protected even if the parents are out of the room. Or out of town. Or at the casino.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS AIRLINES
Moved: 6/29/2000 7:32
CBS-AIRLINES 6/28/2000

The whiny skies. This is DR....

Complaints about the American airline industry just won't stop. Even though the airlines have set up their own passengers bill of rights, they are apparently having trouble following it, and Congress, by golly, wants to know why.

In fact, complaints were up 74 percent in the first four months of 2000 -- complaints about lost luggage, overbooking, and lies about flight delays.

But let's examine these problems. First, the luggage. Most of the time when luggage gets lost, they find it, and deliver it right to your home or hotel. It may take a day, but that's why you always put a change of clothes in your carry on.

The REAL luggage problem is that passengers treat airlines as if they were moving companies. You look around the typical airport. Look at the amount of luggage people have. The airlines don't fly passengers anymore. They fly luggage, which just happens to be accompanied by a passenger. They should sell the LUGGAGE the ticket and put the people in the overhead bins. Then at least you'd have legroom.

As for the overbooking -- why DO the airlines overbook? Because people buy tickets and then don't show up.

So in many cases, what we think of as an airline problem is actually a PASSENGER problem.

Finally -- as for the airlines lying to passengers about the reason for flight delays. Tell me -- do you really want to know what the mechanic just spent half an hour doing inside the plane you're about to fly? Because if that's the kind of thing you're going to worry about, you might as well take the bus.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SCOUTS3
Moved: 6/29/2000 7:32
CBS-SCOUTS3 6/28/2000

Can the Boy Scouts still be the Boy Scouts? This is DR....

The Supreme Court ruled this week that the Boy Scouts MAY exclude gay scoutmasters -- a big defeat for James Dale, the assistant scoutmaster who was kicked out when a newspaper article revealed he was gay.

And the argument of Chief Justice William Rehnquist, writing for the majority, was this: requiring the organization to have a gay scoutmaster would force it ``to send a message, both to the youth members and the world, that the Boy Scouts accepts homosexual conduct as a legitimate form of behavior."

Now I know this is stating the obvious, but the Boy Scouts are made up exclusively of... Boys. Boys who play together, work together, camp together. 

When you create an organization that is limited to boys, and brings them together on a regular basis during their formative years, haven't you created PRECISELY the type of situation which can lead to homosexual conduct?

Who is likely to be attracted to an organization that is exclusively male? People who are comfortable bonding with other males! 

Now, the Scouts are clearly SERIOUS about discouraging homosexuality. Indeed, that they pursued this all the way to the Supreme Court indicates this is one of the defining messages of Scouting. But then - -- how will they overcome the risks inherent in a single sex organization?

Well, since the Scouts do not attempt to check the sexual orientation of individual scouts or their scoutmasters, I don't think there's much choice at this point.

To save the heterosexual message of the Boy Scouts, as is their right under the court's ruling, they're going to have to admit girls. 

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ROCKER
Moved: 6/29/2000 7:32
CBS-ROCKER 6/292000

Who's coming to town? This is DR....

The Mets and the Braves face off starting tonight in New York -- which means a certain relief pitcher will be in town, and he may be using rapid transit to get to the stadium.

I hear he may be taking the Number 7. The Flushing line.

I wonder if it would be asking too much of the diverse people of New York to just ignore him. It may be difficult, since the police have promised to give him an escort if he takes the subway, and whenever someone is surrounded by a police escort we tend to assume he's important, but in this case, he isn't. 

New Yorkers are legendary for being hard to impress. You have the tallest buildings, the best baseball teams, Dan Rather -- why should you care about some out of town relief pitcher. If there's a new fence around the visitors bullpen at Shea Stadium, and a protective awning -- and the beer sales are being cut off early -- so what?

You've been through blackouts, snowstorms, political conventions, stock market crashes, this is nothing. 

I know many New Yorkers felt insulted by this person, but the cleverest thing you can do if they want to get back at this relief pitcher is to ignore him. John WHO.
Said WHAT about the number 7 line? 

And if he should turn up next to you on the Number 7, just keep your subway face. Look straight ahead, no eye contact, read the racing form, trim your nails, take a nap, and PUT YOUR BATTERIES away.

Imagine, for a moment, that this relief pitcher takes the subway, and no one even notices. Just pretend you're all recently arrived non-english-speaking immigrants who never even heard of baseball.

Now this... 
Index 

CBS ELIAN
Moved: 6/29/2000 7:31
CBS-ELIAN 6/28/2000

He's gone back. But can she? This is DR...

Hugging, kissing, tears -- as if a hostage had been returned. It was a rare spectacle -- a Cuban family liberated from America.

Elian is back. His father, Juan Miguel, who had the audacity not to defect, even though he was sitting right there in the Office of the Attorney General, never wavered in his desire to return.

So Elian is back -- although not home quite yet. He'll go to an upscale government halfway house, to catch up on his studies the Cuban government says; to be brainwashed, say the Miami critics.

And actually, it isn't only the Miami critics who think that: an AP reporter found Jorge Sambiente, sitting on a park bench in Havana's Parque Central, who said Elian and his family should have remained in the United States because they would have a better life than in Cuba. ''I'm one of the 50% who wants him to stay,'' Sambiente said.

I found that remark remarkable. Not just because it indicates opinion in Cuba may not be as unanimous as we thought, but because the man gave his name. He gave a dissenting point of view and gave his name! 

I remember what it was like during the height of the Elian demonstrations trying to get dissenters in Miami on my Seattle talk show. One man was almost ready to talk, then backed out, worried about the consequences if his name were known. And that's n America.

Wouldn't be ironic if a dissenter sitting on a park bench in Little Havana actually enjoyed less freedom of speech than a dissenter sitting on a park bench in Big Havana.

And wouldn't it be ironic if Elian can go back to Cuba... but Janet Reno can't go back to Miami?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS GENOME
Moved: 6/27/2000 8:17
CBS-GENOME 6/26/2000

We will soon know exactly who we are. This is DR...

Scientists have cracked the genetic code. They've sequenced the entire string of proteins that make up human DNA.

If the entire sequence of letters were printed on 8 1/2 x 11 sheets, the stack would be as high as the Washington Monument, 555 feet. Billions of letters, no spaces. Kind of like German. But once scientists learn to read it -- you will no longer have to spend long years finding yourself. Your doctor will do that for you. 

The head of the Human Genome project says ``We have caught a glimpse of an instruction book previously known only to God." 

In fact, you can go on the Internet and see it for yourself -- you'll find pictures of chromosomes with the parts clearly marked. Parts like the "inwardly rectifying potassium channel." "The transcriptional regulator." And my favorite -- "The brain specific polypeptide." Soon these will be off the shelf parts. You'll buy them at the Gap.

Scientists expressed the hope that once we realize our DNA is all about the same, racism will disappear. But I'm not so sure.

I think it'll still be there. It'll just be different.

"Did you hear? The family that just moved in... doesn't have the same brain specific polypeptide that we do." [Bigots will burn a double-helix on their lawns]

Oh, it'll happen.

Surveys will show that a disproportionate number of people with certain polypeptides are stopped for broken taillights; you'll have the National Association of people without polypeptides, then you'll have polypeptide supremacists -- and it'll just continue until someone finds the gene to turn off... human nature.

Now this.

[The goal of both teams is to identify and place into proper order the 
3.12 billion chemical base pairs present in human DNA and to identify 
within that DNA the estimated 50,000 human genes. The base pairs are 
made up of four types of nucleotides, called adenine, thymine, cytosine 
and guanine. They are abbreviated A, T, C and G in the scientific 
description of the genome.] 
Index 

CBS MIRANDA
Moved: 6/27/2000 7:15
CBS-MIRANDA2 6/27/2000

You still have a right to know your rights. This is DR....

The Supreme Court has ruled 7-2 that the cops still have to read you your rights. But it's a strange ruling, because the justices didn't seem sure that they were actually allowed to rule the way they did.

If you look at the decision, you see that the majority actually wasn't sure that they still agree with the logical underpinnings of the original Miranda ruling 34 years ago. But they decided to keep it -- why?-- because it's been around for so long! And we're all used to it.

It shows that even these highly educated judges, the cream of the judicial crop, the flowering of American jurisprudence, sometimes make decisions the same way we mortals do: "we're going to KEEP doing it this way, because we're BEEN doing it this way."

You've probably encountered this at work. The reason we fill out this form is because we've ALWAYS filled out this form. We need 10 copies because we've always made ten copies.

Which may be the REAL reason the court felt compelled to rule as it did.

The underlying ISSUE here was whether the constitution compels the cops to inform a suspect of his right to remain silent, or whether a suspect should be expected to understand the Fifth Amendment enough to shut up on his own.

Miranda is 30 seconds of remedial education for people confused by the constitution.

The court itself must have identified with this! Clearly even the justices are sometimes foggy on what the constitution requires of them. The difference being that, as the Supreme Court, they're in the unique position of reading THEMSELVES their rights.

Now this.

[Judge SCALIA: vigorous dissent

"... what today's decision will stand for, whether the Justices can bring 
themselves to say it or not, is the power of the Supreme Court to write 
a prophylactic, extraconstitutional Constitution, binding on Congress 
and the States.

...Today's judgment converts Miranda from a milestone of judicial 
overreaching into the very Cheops' Pyramid (or perhaps the Sphinx would 
be a better analogue) of judicial arrogance. In imposing its Court-made 
code upon the States, the original opinion at least asserted that it was 
demanded by the Constitution. Today's decision does not pretend that it 
is-and yet still asserts the right to impose it against the will of the 
people's representatives in Congress. Far from believing that stare 
decisis compels this result, I believe we cannot allow to remain on the 
books even a celebrated decision-especially a celebrated decision-that 
has come to stand for the proposition that the Supreme Court has power 
to impose extraconstitutional constraints upon Congress and the States. 
This is not the system that was established by the Framers, or that 
would be established by any sane supporter of government by the people.

I dissent from today's decision, and, until §3501 is repealed, 
will continue to apply it in all cases where there has been a 
sustainable finding that the defendant's confession was voluntary."] 
Index 

CBS GENOME
Moved: 6/27/2000 7:15
CBS-GENOME 6/26/2000

We will soon know exactly who we are. This is DR...

Scientists have cracked the genetic code. They've sequenced the entire string of proteins that make up human DNA.

If the entire sequence of letters were printed on 8 1/2 x 11 sheets, the stack would be as high as the Washington Monument, 555 feet. Billions of letters, no spaces. Kind of like German. But once scientists learn to read it -- you will no longer have to spend long years finding yourself. Your doctor will do that for you. 

The head of the Human Genome project says ``We have caught a glimpse of an instruction book previously known only to God." 

In fact, you can go on the Internet and see it for yourself -- you'll find pictures of chromosomes with the parts clearly marked. Parts like the "inwardly rectifying potassium channel." "The transcriptional regulator." And my favorite -- "The brain specific polypeptide." Soon these will be off the shelf parts. You'll buy them at the Gap.

Scientists expressed the hope that once we realize our DNA is all about the same, racism will disappear. But I'm not so sure.

I think it'll still be there. It'll just be different.

"Did you hear? The family that just moved in... doesn't have the same brain specific polypeptide that we do."

Oh, it'll happen.

Surveys will show that a disproportionate number of people with certain polypeptides are stopped for broken taillights; you'll have the National Association of people without polypeptides, then you'll have polypeptide supremacists -- and it'll just continue until someone finds the gene to turn off... human nature.

Now this.

[The goal of both teams is to identify and place into proper order the 
3.12 billion chemical base pairs present in human DNA and to identify 
within that DNA the estimated 50,000 human genes. The base pairs are 
made up of four types of nucleotides, called adenine, thymine, cytosine 
and guanine. They are abbreviated A, T, C and G in the scientific 
description of the genome.] 
Index 

CBS FATIMA
Moved: 6/27/2000 5:42
CBS-FATIMA 6/26/2000

The end of the world. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The Vatican has revealed the text of the third secret of Fatima.

The first two secrets apparently foretold the end of World War I and the start of World War II, and the rise and fall of Soviet communism. Old news.

But the third was rumored to be a forecast of the end of the world. Now, a lot of rumors you can dismiss, but when it concerns the end of the world, TIMING becomes important. People want the unvarnished truth.

So now the Vatican has released the text -- the final secret as received by three Portuguese shepherd children who said it was given to them by the Virgin Mary in 1917.

It describes a Bishop dressed in white and says (QUOTE) ``having reached the top of the mountain, on his knees at the foot of the big Cross, he was killed by a group of soldiers who fired bullets and arrows at him'' 

Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, in charge of interpreting the prophecy, concludes this simply foretold the assassination attempt in 1981, nothing more.

But let's try to be objective here -- a no-win exercise when you're talking about religious matters, I know -- but it isn't even accurate about the assassination attempt. It didn't take place on a mountain, or at the foot of a cross, but while the Pope was in the Popemobile in St. Peter's Square.

The part about a Bishop dressed in white is accurate, but the Pope ALWAYS dresses in white. So that's it. All the secrets are out. We still have no date for the end of the world -- which is also a no-win exercise. If you're wrong, it's very embarrassing, if you're right, it doesn't matter.

Now this.

This is DR 
Index 

CBS EMP
Moved: 6/27/2000 5:42
CBS-EMP 6/29/2000

Getting experienced. This is DR...

Here in Seattle it was the big coming out party for billionaire Paul Allen's Experience Music Project -- and the kickoff concerts were a little unusual in that they attracted a slightly more mature crowd. People like me who haven't made the rock concert scene in a while.

We were a little rusty on the concert culture. Nobody tells you where the line starts. You have to walk up to anything that looks like a line and say "Is this the line? Is this the line?" And even though you got there 20 minutes early, the line takes 40 minutes -- but that's OK, you tell yourself, if beef cattle can do this, so can I.

The reason for the delay is so they search your bags -- but no metal detectors! Otherwise a lot of the kids faces wouldn't get through.

We got the $50 tickets at field level, because, silly me, I was assuming that when you go to a concert with CHAIRS, people sit down. No. Nobody sits down. There is always some reason to stand up. "Oh this is my favorite song" -- I have to stand. Lead singer says "Hello Seattle!" We all stand. 

And yet -- we had a great time, and suffered only three outbreaks of the F-word all evening.

We also found that contrary to the stereotype, today's young people CAN take direction. They will do anything a rock star wants. Especially if it's "stand up."

Plus, there's the SPECIAL FEELING you get when your body is relentlessly bombarded by high intensity soundwaves for 4 1/2 hours. Every downbeat -- my vision blurred. 

My nostrils visibly flapped. 

Plus I feel pretty sure that that one guitar riff by Matchbox 20 dissolved any gallstones I have may have had.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS KETCHUP
Moved: 6/26/2000 10:46
KETCHUP.CBS 06/22/00 

Counterfeit ketchup. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The headline on the front page of the Wall Street Journal 

read... "Heinz Puts Squeeze on Places Refilling Its Ketchup Bottles. 
Some Use Cheaper Brand X."

Now it can be told...there may be an impostor ketchup lurking in that 
Heinz bottle at your favorite restaurant. The reason the ketchup poured 
so easily onto your burger, fries or eggs wasn't because of something 
YOU did...it was because of something the restaurant did.

Most customers expect Heinz ketchup when they eat out and almost nine 
out of 10 restaurants offer Heinz. Uh oh! Monopoly - but not quite. 
Because as it turns out, about 20 per cent of the eating 

establishments surveyed, admit to REFILLING the glass Heinz ketchup 
bottles. And they don't always use the genuine article. Sometimes they 
use to WATERY ketchups.

Heinz was getting a little sick and tired of this ketchup masquerade. 
And now after three years of research and development, it has come up 
with the answer... the counterfeit-proof ketchup bottle. A red plastic 
squeeze bottle with a top that can't be removed. 

The virtues are obvious. It's red, so that it always looks 

full...it's plastic so you can squeeze the ketchup out instead of 
digging it out with a knife or french fry... and the top is permanently 
attached so that the only way to refill the bottle is with a special 
ketchup injector.

Heinz has launched a PR campaign to stop the refilling and to create a 
market for the new squeeze bottle. Of course what they may ACTUALLY be 
doing is creating a market for ketchup injectors.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CLASSROO
Moved: 6/26/2000 10:45
CLASSROO.CBS 06/23/00 

Manipulating young minds. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Parents are getting worried about the influence of advertising on 
children again: this time because of companies bearing computers - free 
computers - which carry little ads on the screen.

A California company called ZapMe! has been promoting this deal, and it 
bothers Democratic Representative Marlin Schneider so much he's proposed 
legislation that would restrict the ability of school districts to raise 
money through classroom advertising.

Districts usually raise money through advertising because voters don't 
want to pay for new equipment through higher taxes, and most 
administrators never learned how to loot. 

They see the ads as a relatively painless way to equip a computer lab.

But - if computers with ads are too controversial, then there is one 
other thing schools can try which should satisfy everybody.

Even if you cleansed the schools of every computer ad, every TV ad, 
every hallway poster, there would still be ads in the schools. They 
would be on the students clothing. That's about ALL kids wear - ads. The 
logos are everywhere. Kids are probably confronted by fifty logos during 
every class change.

Well - start selling T-SHIRT space. 

Schools have the right to adopt uniforms - specify that the uniform will 
be T-shirts supplied BY the school, carry the logos of companies who 
have PAID to put them there. Like those painted cars that advertise 
Pumpkin Smoothies.

The kids still get to wear their logos, so nothing's really changed - 
except that the school rakes in the dough.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PRUNES
Moved: 6/26/2000 10:43
PRUNES.CBS 06/23/00 

When is a prune is not a prune? That's the kind of question only a 
government agency can answer. Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 

The Food and Drug Administration are the folks who approve new drugs 
before they hit the market ...but it turns out the FDA is also in charge 
of food names... and the granting of name changes for foods. Earlier 
this week...in a move almost unnoticed by most of the nation's 
media...the FDA granted the California Prune Board permission to call 
its prunes NOT "prunes", which is what they HAD been calling their 
prunes, but "dried plums."

Now I always thought that a prune was a dried plum...that's what the 
dictionary says. But that's not good enough. In the dog-eat-dog business 
of dried fruit you need official permission from Washington to call a 
prune a dried plum.

And WHY does the California Prune Board want to start calling its prunes 
dried plums? Because dried plums sell better. It turns out that health 
conscious shoppers PREFER dried plums to prunes. "Prunes" are what your 
fingers look like after a long bath. "Dried Plums" are merely plums 
minus most of the juice.

So, under the FDA ruling, those little shriveled up brownish things will 
be called both prunes and dried plums for two years...and then after an 
extensive multi-million dollar re-education program by the Prune 
Board...make that....Dried Plum Board... never again will we have to eat 
a prune.

There is the danger that after a few years, consumers will catch on. But 
no problem, the California Dried Plum Board can go back to the FDA and 
ask for permission to call them "shriveled up brownish things." Mmmmm!

Now This. 
Index 

CBS WHOSERVE
Moved: 6/21/2000 9:52
WHOSURVE.CBS 06/21/00 12:59 AM-DLR 1:20 

To your health. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

It's another study of health care systems. This time, the World Health 
Organization studied health systems from America to Oman, and found - I 
know this will surprise you given that its a UN survey - but it found 
that America doesn't do so well.

The study found the United States spends 3,724 per person on health each 
year, compared to $2100 per person in France, and $1,750 per person in 
Japan.

Yet the number of healthy years enjoyed by the French beats us by three, 
and the Japanese beat us by four and a half year. We spend twice as much 
as Japan on health, and they can dance on our graves!

And overall, when comparing a nation's health, how effectively the money 
is spent, how the poor are treated, how well illness is prevented, the 
US health system comes in at number 37! 37! 

We're even behind MALTA, if you can believe it.

Then problem with these surveys is that whoever takes the survey can 
make up the rules. And for some reason, they never come up with rules 
that make US look good.

They always bring up those 40 million insured Americans. We never hear 
whether the 40 million are truly lacking any medical or just so healthy 
they figure they can do without insurance.

Once, just ONCE I wish somebody would conduct a surveys that makes US 
look good.

Number of "private birthing rooms decorated in earth tones" per capita. 

Variety of merchandise at hospital gift shop. 

Number of times you're asked for the name of your insurance carrier...

Malta wouldn't come close. Now this. 
Index 

CBS CASINOS
Moved: 6/21/2000 9:50
CASINOS.CBS 06/20/00 11:29 PM-DLR 1:23 

Round and Round it goes. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Congress is worried about gambling. It may seem strange for Congress to 
worry about gambling at a time when every gas station flings Lotto 
tickets at you - but this time it's REALLY bad. Congress has noticed 
that there are about 700 ON-LINE gambling sites, many based in countries 
beyond the reach of US law, that let gamblers pay by credit card.

And some of these on-line gamblers - I hope you have the air bag on - 
SOME of these on-line gamblers CAN'T AFFORD TO PAY!

I know you're shocked.

So Congress wants to protect them.

We are left to wonder why Congress wants to protect GAMBLERS from 
running up huge unpayable debts, when plenty of people run up huge 
unpayable debts without help from ANY on-line gambling site.

There are some people just can't add.

One bill proposes to restrict U.S. funding to countries that allow a 
``high level'' of Internet gambling. Well, makes sense - we all know 
that the reason Americans take drugs is because Columbia can't control 
their opium farms, so if American citizens can't control their gambling 
- it must be some OTHER country's fault.

But there is actually a simpler solution. Pass a law that when a credit 
card debt goes unpaid - ANY credit card debt - the only thing the bank 
can do - is take back the card. It can't go to court, it bug you at 
home, it can only cancel your credit.

That may sound unfair to the giant banking conglomerates which exist 
only to make us all happier - but you know what? They would be a lot 
more careful about who they send all those applications too, now 
wouldn't they?

Now this 
Index 

CBS COMMUNISTS
Moved: 6/21/2000 9:48
> CUBA.CBS 06/19/00 12:50 AM-DLR 1:21
> 
> Model communists. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
> 
> It's remarkable to think that a six year old could have so much impact -
> but why else would senators talking seriously about lifting the trade
> embargo against Cuba? On Tuesday, Democrats will propose setting up a
> commission that would, among other things, evaluate whether the United
> States should continue to view Cuba as a military threat.
> 
> The 12-member commission would take about a year to reach its
> conclusions and submit them to the president, but it doesn't take a PhD
> in Caribbean Affairs to predict what it'll say - impoverished island
> nation of eleven million, versus last remaining Superpower whose only
> weakness is misplacing nuclear secrets...
> 
> Yes, the commission would conclude Cuba is no threat which is why the
> commission is not likely to win approval. But the pressure is on,
> because Cuba is beginning to intrigue Americans.
> 
> There are so few true dictatorships anymore than it's become a political
> novelty - "see it before it disappears", it has more raw baseball talent
> than our own farm system - and most iportant, the majority of Americans
> who argued over dinner tables that Elian should be returned with his
> father have convinced themselves that it just can't be that horrible a
> place.
> 
> The state department's former top counter-terrorism official even
> reported to the Senate that of the seven countries the United States
> accuses of exporting terror, only one had improved its record. Cuba.
> 
> No matter who the next president is, I think a trip to Havana is in his
> future. He could bring Elian his puppy. 
Index 

CBS MITOURI
Moved: 6/21/2000 9:47
MIRTOURI.CBS 06/19/00 11:35 PM-DLR 1:26

We'll leave the thrusters on for you. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio 
Network.

The Russian space agency has finally found a away to keep the 14 year 
old space station alive. Tourists. Or at least, tourist. 

Dennis Tito, a 59 year old rocket scientist turned investment manager 
from Santa Monica, has plans to become the world's first space tourist. 
He'll pay some multiple of ten million dollars to spend a week aboard 
Russian's Mir space station.

Although it isn't exactly Russia's anymore. Like everything else, it's 
owned by a corporation: MirCorp - whose job it is to find paying 
customers.

And Dennis Tito is a paying customer.

I know what you're thinking - 20 or 30 million seems steep for a week in 
a fourteen year old space station. If you want to spend a week feeling 
weightless just get a doctor's note for some pot.

But remember you get more than just the week - you learn to operate the 
suit, the life support systems, you practice in the water tank, you get 
the sickening ride in the centrifuge - you get the whole amusement park! 
Plus - you are personally escorted aloft by TWO cosmonauts, AND - 
there's never a line at the rest room.

Mr. Tito has wanted to fly in space ever since hearing about Sputnik 40 
years ago. Now - not only does he get to fly - he gets to save the 
program that PUT Sputnik up there.

NASA wishes the Russians would dump Mir and get to work on the NEW space 
station - but Russia hasn't got time for that. Russia's discovered the 
tourist trade. And in a world full of dot.commers drowning in cash and 
bored by island retreats and private jets - the timing couldn't be 
better. Now this. 
Index 

CBS PRAYER2
Moved: 6/21/2000 9:44
PRAYER2.CBS 06/19/00 11:34 AM-DLR 1:26 

Let us pray. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Here's a quote from the Supreme Court's decision on prayer at Texas High 
School football games:

"School sponsorship of a religious message is impermissible because it 
sends the ancillary message to members of the audience who are 
non-adherents that they are outsiders, not full members of the political 
community..."

So the problem with the pre-game prayers in Texas, as a majority of the 
Supreme Court sees it, is that they compel people who are simply trying 
to enjoy a game in a taxpayer-supported facility to acquiesce, under 
pressure, to something they may not believe in.

It's bait and switch - like a minister beginning Sunday services by 
inviting the drill team to yell "Hold That Line" from the altar.

- While performing beautifully-synchronized arm movements, of course.

But now that the court has protected unwilling citizens from having 
religion forced upon them at sports events, maybe it will go the NEXT 
step, and protect unwilling citizens from having SPORTS forced upon them 
every time they turn around.

Americans now enjoy almost complete protection from the imposition of 
prayer at football games, and yet Americans enjoy no protection from the 
imposition of football, and basketball, and baseball in the form of 
taxes to pay for stadiums that are essentially given to private teams.

We're not just talking about WORDS over a loudspeaker now, but money out 
of taxpayers pockets - for something they may not believe in.

And if the court wants to talk being made to feel like an outsider - you 
can get along quite easily in Texas without believing in God. But see 
how far you get not believing in football.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SUPPLEMENTS
Moved: 6/19/2000 4:47
CBS-SUPPLEMENTS 6/18/00 11:36 PM-DLR

Just say yes. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

No responsible parent lets a child fill up on cupcakes. Cupcakes, candy, 
soda - they're full of sugar and bad, bad, bad. Parents want healthy 
options for their children, and health food companies are ready with 
supplements like Body Zoomer fruit smoothies.

Sounds like it has more than just bananas in it, and it does. A Body 
Zoomer smoothie called "Oh Happy Day" has 100 milligrams of St John's 
Wort - the natural anti-depressant. If the kid is REALLY thirsty it can 
be a Happy, HAPPY day.

The Washington Post lists several of these natural supplements for 
children that are popular among parents now - here's one called "Melissa 
Supreme for Children" - recommended to control "impulsiveness." Nature's 
Way sells "Attention Focus", and Herbs etc sells "Kid-A-Lin" for kids 
who are too fidgety.

When I went to school our milk was spiked with extra vitamin D, but that 
was to prevent rickets, not fidgeting.

I actually used to get a pretty good lift from a chocolate cupcake. 
There was the anticipation - just KNOWING the package was in my lunch 
bag. Then the unwrapping - which brought a level of joy that ham and 
cheese could never match. Then the slow, but delightful process of 
lifting off the chocolate icing with the squiggle, and finally, licking 
out the cream in the middle - it was a boost that would today be 
dismissed as a placebo.

No, we cannot allow children to eat those sugary snacks today - instead 
it's St John's Wort, Melissa Supreme, Attention Focus or Kid-A-Lin, and 
then ... off to the DARE class so that Officer Friendly can warn them 
about pot.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS KOREA
Moved: 6/16/2000 7:22
CBS-KOREA 6/16/2000

Very clever. This is DR...

As you've heard by now the talks between North and South Korea went well. Very well. Kim Jong Il of the North and Kim Dae-Jung of the South got along beautifully. Smiles and handshakes all around and a commitment to work toward an eventual re-unification.

But we know what's really going on here. North Korea is trying to send a message that there is one less rogue state in the world.

VERY CLEVER!

But we're onto your little game, Mr. Kim Jong Il. You've been watching American TV on your satellite dish, haven't you? You know the reason we're hot to build those defensive missiles is because the CIA predicted you'd have a missile capable of hitting us by 2005. But if there IS no North Korea by 2005, then there would be no threat. Why would a unified Korea want to bomb the country that buys all their TV sets? No threat, no need for a missile system. No missile system, no missile jobs, unemployment goes up.

Oh, we're onto your little game, Kim Jong Il. And we're NOT biting, pal.

And the 37,000 troops are staying too. You can shake hands with Kim Dae-Jung all you want. You can shake hands, you can hug, you can go to Vermont and get MARRIED, we're staying to insure stability.

Frankly, we don't know how countries without American troops get along at all.

Why do you think Japan hasn't gone off the deep end -- because we STILL have troops there.

The troops stay, and the missile system? Full speed ahead! Even if we don't need it for you, there will always be rogue states in the world. Like Vermont. Certain sections of Florida. Parts of Central Park.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ELIAN GRANDPARENTS
Moved: 6/16/2000 7:22
CBS-ELIAN 15 6/16/2000

Good luck and goodbye. This DR...

The Miami relatives are back in court -- they think they've discovered the argument that will keep Elian in America.

Appeals court Judge J.L. Edmondson, who appears to be a little short on patiences, ordered both the Justice Department and attorneys for Elian's father to submit legal arguments by June 20th.

What makes the Miami relatives think they have ANYthing left to argue? They are citing a May 1st Supreme court decision in a Texas case in which the 
justices ruled - and you'd better take notes on this -- public employers can force employees to take compensatory time off at specific times. It had to do with what is an enforceable "rule" and what is merely a "policy". Sound like a stretch to you?

If I was looking for a clue to how the Supreme Court would think in this case, I would look to a decision made 12 days ago in the grandparents rights case.

In that case, the Supreme Court threw out a Washington State law which allowed grandparents visit their grandchildren against parents' wishes. 

Justice Sandra Day O'Connor wrote that as long as a parent adequately cares for his or her children, there will ``normally be no reason for the state'' to intervene.

And in that case it was grandPARENTS -- not a grand UNCLE. And they didn't want custody of the child, or demand to make decisions about his future, they just wanted to VISIT the kid.

No matter -- the Supreme Court said in cases where the surviving parent loves and cares for that child, it's the parent that decides.

So convinced of that was the Supreme Court it threw out a state law.

I think Elian's extended American vacation is about come to an end.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BAPTISTS
Moved: 6/15/2000 8:19
CBS-BAPTISTS 6/15/2000

Putting the MEN in fundamentalist. This is DR...

As expected, the Southern Baptist Convention decided Wednesday that women should no longer serve as pastors. 

Women can still be ordained, but under the revised Faith and Message statement, the office of pastor is limited to men by Scripture.

It's not because the denomination wants to keep women down -- the scripture committee is just following orders -- orders given by Paul in his letter to Timothy, where he said:

[-- Women should dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes. A woman should learn in quietness and full submission.]

Do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent. For Adam ... was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. But women will be saved through childbearing [--if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.]

So there you go, women, it's not as if there's no hope for you.

But I'm still puzzled by OTHER lines in Paul's letter.

This line, for example: "Although I hope to come to you soon, I am writing you these instructions so that, if I am delayed, you will know how people ought to conduct themselves in God's household."

And then there's the line that says, "Stop drinking only water, and use a little wine because of your stomach and your frequent illnesses."

Now the new church statement approved yesterday underscores that the Bible is ``totally true'' and I have no doubt that Paul's letter IS totally true, but it sounds like a totally true letter to a specific man named Timothy who was suffering digestive distress at the time.

And then there is this line, in the very beginning of the letter in which Paul says (QUOTE) "We know that the law is good if one uses it properly." What was he saying there, do you think?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TOURETTE'S
Moved: 6/15/2000 8:19
CBS-TOURETTES 6/15/2000

Hold your tongue. This is DR...

You're familiar with Tourette's syndrome. It is a mental affliction which causes about 15% of the people who suffer from it to erupt into outbursts of profanity which they cannot control.

Except for that, they can live normal lives, but on occasion, a switch in the brain trips itself and that part of the English vocabulary that most of us lock away for special occasions comes flooding out.

Wilson Wong of Bellevue, Washington has Tourette's and Tuesday he was dining at TGI Fridays when he had an episode. The words began speaking themselves again. And customers complained to the manager -- in particular a woman who was there with her child. 

The manager, unaware that Mr. Wong didn't really MEAN what he was saying, told him to quit swearing. He explained it was a disease. The manager called police. Six of them arrived to escort him out. Mr. Wong says he has never been so humiliated and is now thinking of suing under the Americans With Disabilities Act. Because if you have to install ramps for people who can't walk, then you also have to accommodate people who can't control their cussing.

But how? Soundproof rooms? Earplugs for the other guests?

At least he found a restaurant where the staff understood English. That's SOMETHING. 

Obviously you have to feel sorry for someone with this disease, but it DOES sound like a misunderstanding, and to tell you the truth -- that somebody can still get kicked out of a restaurant for swearing is kind of encouraging.

You know today -- given the general state of public behavior, you could argue that people who are OFFENDED by obscenity are the ones suffering the disability.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SECRETS 2
Moved: 6/15/2000 4:54
CBS-SECRETS-2 

Zero tolerance. This is DR.

Last year, Energy Secretary Bill Richardson said there would be "zero tolerance" for security failures. But the story of the missing secrets at Los Alamos just gets worse. Today we learn that workers at the lab waited three weeks before revealing that those computers containing secret information on how to disable nuclear bombs were missing.

There will be hearings. But I have a feeling that in the end, we will find that the people we put in charge of these secrets are a lot like the rest of us. Plain old human beings.

Nuclear secrets may seem like a big deal to us, but I imagine when you work around them all the time, you probably get a little blase.

For example, we're told they were stored in a vault. But it can't have been much of a vault if they were removed because of a forest fire. You would think the vault where the nuclear secrets are kept would withstand a forest fire. If not, go to a bank and rent a safe deposit box.

Also, according to the Washington Post, there were two identical drives stored in a suitcase. Two drives in the same suitcase. What's the first thing you learn when you get a computer? Store your backups SEPARATELY. Otherwise, what's the point?

And none of the stories mention whether the information on the drives was encrypted. If you're storing nuclear secrets, wouldn't you at least scramble them? I bought some airline tickets on the web yesterday -- the whole transaction is encrypted. So that NO ONE no matter how hard they try can find out what time I arrive in Albany.

That's the trouble with creating these superhuman devices. We have to put humans in charge of them. 
Index 

CBS CENTRAL PARK
Moved: 6/15/2000 4:54
CBS-CENTRAL PARK 6/14/2000

More trouble for the NYPD. This is DR....

First Bruce Springsteen disses them with his song about Amadou Diallo, and now the charge is that New York cops did nothing to stop a bunch of hooligans who roamed Central Park last weekend dousing, groping, and attacking women. One of the women attacked is a kickboxing instructor, but it wasn't much help against a mob of drunks.

News reports describe the men as FRENZIED, and that's certainly borne out by the video tape that's been on the air today. Everybody's got a camcorder now, and you'd think that would be a deterrent. But no, in fact, some of the frenzied men themselves were taping it. 

Which prompts us to ask -- is the main story here that the police did nothing? Clearly that's a bad thing -- when someone in distress runs up to a police officer begging for help and the officer does nothing, it obviously time for him to pursue another line of work -- guarding nuclear secrets perhaps -- but the main story here is that so many men had the nerve to act like this in public and in broad daylight.

They apparenty thought it was cool.

The issue isn't just the police. It's rude behavior -- on a massive scale. Who are these people? Where do they live? Who raised them?

I hope we find out. Because these are not your typical criminals who hide in the bushes at night and snatch your purse. At least a crook like that knows what he's doing is wrong.

That these guys would tape themselves doing it tells me they were proud of themselves. Just a bunch of exuberant heterosexuals having a little fun.

Or auditioning for some new TV reality show?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ELIAN FRI 4/14/2000
Moved: 6/14/2000 10:41
CBS-ELIAN-FRI 4/14/2000

Six year olds of the world -- your emancipation is at hand. This is DR.

If it wasn't clear before, it's clear now. Elian will not be moved. He 
will not go to Cuba with his father. Look at the video tape -- he means 
it!

Eyebrows raised, chin pushed out, wagging his index finger like HE was 
the adult and his FATHER was the child.

(QUOTE) "I am telling you now that I do not want to go to Cuba. 

"If you would like, stay here. 

"But I do not want to go to Cuba."

He may have been born in Cuba, but he's clearly an American kid now! NO 
parent is going to tell HIM what to do!

In a few years, it'll be, "If I want to dye my hair green and wear my 
underwear over my jeans there's no one can stop me!

Six year olds watching this unfold, and seeing that the adults are going 
along with it can FEEL their emancipation coming. 

A new world is at hand! A world where six year olds can tell their 
daddies to jump, and Daddy has to jump. What have your parents ever done 
for you anyway, kids? Do they give you everything you ask for? Do they 
come the moment you call? Do they jump when you throw a tantrum? Or do 
they take you for granted? Oh sure they love you and all -- but they 
don't always listen to you, do they?

No! Sometimes they actually tell YOU what THEY want, don't they? 
Sometimes they even say things like "You'll do it because I'm your 
father!"

Don't you wish sometimes you could just tell your parents off? You bet 
you do.

Well, why not try it now? The next time your daddy tells you to do 
something -- look at him and wag your finger, and say, "No!!"

"It's my way or the highway, pop."

Remember kids, this is America -- where the law is merely a suggestion, 
and you don't have to do anything if you don't want to.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS VISA
Moved: 6/13/2000 10:57
CBS-VISA 06/13/2000

Free the plastic! This is DR...

Visa, Mastercard. You may think that they are TWO separate card companies, but the Justice Department has determined they are in fact one giant card colossus masquerading as TWO. 

And because of that, guess what they've been doing? Shutting out the competition! If a bank offers Visa and MasterCard, it is NOT allowed to offer Discover or American Express. How mean is that! When, oh when will they start posting the Ten Commandments in business schools? 

So the Justice Department will break 'em up.

I have just one question. Have any of you had a problem getting a credit card? If anything, you have a problem NOT getting a credit card. So who filed the complaint?

Discover and American Express filed the complaint, supported by retailers like Sears and Wal-Mart. They say because of the "Visa/MasterCard shared monopoly," credit card fees and therefore retail prices are higher than they would otherwise be.

With more competition, merchant fees will drop which means retailers can charge less. That's right -- these corporations are doing it to save US money.

I can't wait -- let a thousand new credit cards bloom! Gold Cards! Platinum Cards! Plutonium Cards! Finally the justice department will help every American get what he really needs -- new ways to get into debt!

However, in the meantime, if retailers want to save us from those high monopolistic credit card fees, how about this: Offer us discounts for paying cash. DIscounts for NOT using those evil credit cards.

[It's right there in the US code, Chapter 15, section 1666-F.] 

["The card issuer may not, by contract, or otherwise, prohibit any such seller from offering a discount to a cardholder to induce the cardholder to pay by cash, check, or similar means rather than use a credit card.]

We know the reason you went to the Justice Department is to show us how much you love us. But you don't have to wait for some court decision.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS LOS ALAMOS
Moved: 6/13/2000 10:56
CBS-LOS ALAMOS 6/13/2000

Hide and seek. This is DR...

We've had fully-loaded laptops stolen from the State Department.

We lost a couple of Mars probes.

The vice president can't find his e-mails.

Now we learn that the goverment has lost something even MORE important. Two computer hard drives which contained nuclear secrets are missing from the Los Alamos National Laboratory.

Last month, when everybody was rushing to evacuate ahead of that wildfire in New Mexico, somebody went to the vault in the top secret X-division to get the disk drives -- they really do call it the X-division -- and the container in the vault was empty.

No disk drives.

No clues.

The X-division is where nuclear weapons are designed. And ON those disk drives, so we're told, are secrets such as how to render nuclear weapons safe in an emergemcy.

"This is an extremely serious matter, and we are taking swift 
actions to deal with it,' said JOHN BROWNE Los Alamos weapons lab director.

Never mind that, John, I just hope you kept a copy somewhere.

Now I know what you're thinking out there. Some foreign spy took the disks. Well there is NO evidence of that -- the director of the Energy Department's counterintelligence office says there is no indication espionage is involved.

No, the lab was able to lose this top secret material without any help WHATSOEVER.

Any way, luckily, its only nuclear secrets we've lost, and nuclear weapons are passe. They will be RENDERED OBSOLETE by our new, almost-working, rogue-state defying defensive missile system.

How is it we've managed to hold on to the plans for THAT thing all these years?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DEATH PENALTY
Moved: 6/12/2000 7:31
CBS-DEATH PENALTY 6/12/2000

Did they do it? This is DR....

Capital punishment is in the bulls eye again -- this time because of a study by Columbia University law professor James Liebman. He found that only 5% of the defendants sentenced to death between 1973 and 1995 were actually executed.

And of those death penalty cases sent back for retrial, 7 percent of defendants were found not guilty. Of those who were convicted again, less than 20% were re-sentenced to death.

Professor Liebman's conclusion: the death penalty in the United States is "fraught with error."

Death-penalty supporters come to the opposite conclusion -- that so many death warrants were overturned shows that there is plenty of protection against error. And if 7% of the defendants who were re-tried were found not guilty, it means 93% were still guilty as hell.

But then AGAIN, who's to say every case that DESERVED a new trial got one? And round we go again.

The debate is nothing new, but it's especially important this year because the governor of Texas, who signed a bill speeding up executions in 1995 and has allowed more OF them than any governor in the nation's history, is running for president.

The problem with this latest study is that it leaves out one very important statistic. How many of the people on death row are truly innocent -- as in, didn't do it, weren't there, were framed?

Most Americans figure: probably none. And the one or two who are innocent will get their day on 60 Minutes.

No the news is full of too many gruesome crimes. Crimes so awful that people don't care about deterrence; they want revenge. It will take the execution of someone provably innocent to raise serious second thoughts.

Now this 
Index 

CBS ALASKA
Moved: 6/12/2000 7:31
CBS-ALASKA 6/12/2000

Tell us some lies. This is DR...

There are some things you just don't want to hear when you fly. You don't want to hear that the guy next to you paid half as much for his ticket. You don't want to hear that they're out of the steak entree ... and you don't want to hear that two flight attendants will not be making the flight because they're worried about a crack in the engine. 

But that's just what happened in Seattle Sunday.

Over the weekend the Seattle Times ran the latest article to question Alaska Airlines maintenance procedures since the January crash of flight 261. The story revealed that a veteran Alaska pilot had misgivings last month about a jet he was about to fly from LA to Seattle. Maintenance records showed that the jet, serial number 934, had a crack in an engine part, and possible wear in the jackscrew assembly. 

Well Sunday, some passengers and crew realized the plane they had just boarded at Sea Tac Airport was the very aircraft mentioned in the article -- number 934. A company representative reassured everyone that the aircraft had been checked the night before, and was completely safe.

After the briefing, the pilot was satisfied, and said he'd fly,but two flight attendants were not satisfied, and stayed behind, along with at least four passengers.

This is taking caveat emptor a little too far, isn't it? "We'll be taking off for San Diego shortly, however two of the crew won't be flying today, because they don't think we'll make it."

Yikes. The plane did land safely in San Diego -- but I think the passengers who stayed on should at least get double miles. Now this. 
Index 

CBS PAYNTER
Moved: 6/9/2000 10:51
CBS-PAYNTER 6/7/2000

The new flashers. This is DR...

A little feud has developed in Seattle between a newspaper columnist and a talk show host. Talker Tom Leykis offered Susan Paynter, a columnist with the Seattle Post-Intellegencer -- $20,000 for the charity of her choice if she would let him sign her breasts.

In today's column Ms Paynter describes the show as effluent, mentioning that her son heard the offer and wondered why anyone would be interesting in signing the breasts of somebody's MOTHER.

You may wonder at the appeal of a show that involves affixing a signature to the milk-producing glands of the human female. But here's the thing: behind every signature, there's a willing woman.

Gals seem to love it, and don't seem to mind the consequences.

This morning there's a new study of unmarried 20-somethings who aren't college students or college graduates. And it concludes that what these young people want is ``Sex without strings, relationships without rings.''

I like this line form the story: "Young women in the survey are more pessimistic than men about their chances of finding a suitable marriage partner."

Well, THAT's not suprising if you're going to flash 'em to anyone who asks! Used to be a guy had to invest in at least two drinks first...

Men are simple creatures. You can't expect them to stop treating women as sex objects if they're willing to treat THEMSELVES that way.

At least drive a harder bargain gals. "You can sign my breasts the day I sign your derriere."

Susan Paynter should challenge Tom to let her sign his REAR END. Maybe something like "Got milk?"

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS MICROSOFT LETTER
Moved: 6/9/2000 10:51
CBS-MICROSOFT DECISION 6/8/2000

This is DR...

If you'll bear with me I'm just finishing up this letter and I need to proof-read it. SO feel free to eavesdrop.

Dear Mr. Gates,

I was a doubter before, but the court ruling has finally opened my eyes.

I realize now that your monopoly has denied me access to innovative software. For example, my word processor. I can send documents to any printer, any fax machine, post them to the Internet, check my spelling automatically, but when I try to shave with it, Bill, nothing happens.

Toolbars with grooming aids: competition will do it.

I must also say that I am sick and tired of... your... arrogance. ARR-O-GA... ARR -- well, I'm sick and tired of it, Bill.

You were mean to the government. Your lawyers said hurtful things to high officials. You implied that you know more than they do.

Well if you're so smart, how come you gave me your Internet browser for FREE? How clever was that, Bill? Enclosed is the $29.95 that you SHOULD have charged me. See that it doesn't happen again.

But I am especially disgusted with the way you treated your fellow billionaires. Your nasty e-mails left them scared and depressed. They suffer recurring nightmares which wake up the servants.

In short, Bill, you're getting just what you deserve.

Signed, Dave Ross...

(TYPEWRITER SOUND)

Copy to... Janet Reno. P.S: Janet -- thanks for the cool typewriter... but can you tell me which key I press to download the free music.

(TAKE OUT PAPER)

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS DOG
Moved: 6/9/2000 7:51
CBS-DOG 6/7/2000

Luckiest dog in America. This is DR...

His name is Dakota, the ten year old basenji who was in the cargo hold on a Washington to San Jose flight when an airline employee realized he'd been placed in the WRONG cargo hold -- the UNHEATED cargo hold, where he would very likely freeze to death.

But when the pilot found out, he acted. He provided the kind of service that we usually see only in the TV ads.

He diverted to Denver, landed, rescued the dog -- a barkless breed, by the way -- and let him fly the rest of the way in the passenger cabin.

The flight attendant brought an extra blanket for the dog, and the other passengers cheered.

And of course the papers are full of praise for the actions of the pilot, and full of sympathy for the relieved owner.

But what about that OWNER. Here we have all been educated to think of pets not as "pets", which is a demeaning term, but as non-human companions. Why would you make your non-human companion travel cargo?

There have been flights where you could hear the dogs barking in the cargo hold up in the passenger cabin. Another good reason to make sure the dog you ship is barkless...Some people have taken to essentially sneaking their smaller pets aboard in ventilated gym bags and stowing them under the seat so no one's the wiser, but the bottom line is, you're treating your non-human companion like luggage LUGGAGE doesn't deserve to be treated like luggage.

The owners deserve a little scrutiny here.

Of COURSE the airlines are going to go out of their way for pets. Pets are the IDEAL airline passengers. What other passenger is willing to fly for six hours without demanding extra peanuts or lining up for the bathroom.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS PESTICIDE
Moved: 6/9/2000 7:51
CBS-PESTICIDE 6/8/2000

Feeling safer? This is DR... 

The EPA has banned another pesticide --

I'm sure you heard the story -- it's been sold for years under the trade names Dursban and Lorsban, and you can find it in flea collars, garden chemicals, and indoor bug sprays, and it turns out -- it's amazing how it takes so long to discover these things -- it turns out that the stuff can affect BRAIN development in children!

So there you are sending the kid to Montessori classes hoping he'll soak up knowledge, then he goes home and snuggles against Spot's flea collar.

Dow Chemical says 3600 studies have shown it to be safe when used as directed, so I guess the problem is that a lot of people can't follow directions. In any case Dow will stop making the stuff, however, there will be no recall. It's dangerous enough to stop making it, but not dangerous enough to stop selling it. Makes sense, because if you recall it, you have to dump it somewhere, but this way, they can get rid of it by selling it to YOU!

All very friendly. I just can't help thinking that if there was a chance your garden chemicals and flea collars could cause brain damage -- that the warning would be in FAIRLY large print on the package -- the way it is on cigarettes.

I also can't help thinking that the tobacco companies were sued to within an inch of their bottom lines for selling a product that is dangerous to children. The attorneys general won even though everybody already KNOWS tobacco is deadly, and even though you have to deliberately light it and then suck on it.

But what am I saying! Unlike pesticides, tobacco has no redeeming qualities. You can chain-smoke for twenty years and your pets will STILL have fleas!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SEX STRIKE
Moved: 6/9/2000 7:51
CBS-SEX STRIKE 6/8/2000

Time to shut her down! This is DR...

This week a group of researchers at Rutgers released their survey on sex and the 20-something generation, concluding that while younge people are very interested in MATING -- and do quite a lot of it -- they are not interested in marriage.

Too scary. Many have come from divorced homes and don't want to make the same mistake.

As a result women desperately trying to wind their biological clocks realize if they want kids, they'll have to raise 'em themseves, because the men won't hang around.

And why should they?

One of the authors of the study told me that the dating rules now say you have sex on the third date. The THIRD date. As I recall, even in the sixties, we might have shared the same FORK on the third date. We might exchange microbes. Bacterial DNA -- but certainly not our own.

Now, however, three dates, and you're in relationship. Three at bats and you cross home standing up.

Well, if THAT's the rule, of course men aren't going to get married! It's hardly worth the tux rental!

You 20-something women, if you want a guy who will hang around, you need organize and go on strike. A sex strike, gals. Rent videos if you're frustrated. This is why women make less at their jobs, too -- discrimination may be part of the reason but the BIG reason is they don't ask for raises, and they don't leave if a better offer comes along.

Well demanding a little more than sweeet words from your date would be a good start. And if an outright strike is to much. Fine. Then try doing it a date at a time. Try to hold off until the FOURTH date. Then the FIFTH. Then SIX. There MIGHT be a sixth....

Now this. 
Index 

CBS OJ TEST
Moved: 6/9/2000 7:51
CBS-OJ-TEST 6/9/2000

Did he or didn't he? This is DR...

Did OJ take a lie detector test or not? Six years after the murders of Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman, that's what everybody wants to know.

In fact, six years have apparently done nothing to dissipate the emotion surrounding this case, and it erupted again yesterday when Simpson called the Fox News Channel and got into it with Nicole's sister Denise:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>OJ 4
Time: 18s
In-cue: 
Out-cue: FRED GOLDMAN] 

Later he explained that he called in because the host had lied. The host claimed OJ had testified in court that polygraph expert Ed Gelb hooked him up to a machine just a few days after the murders.

OJ wanted to make it clear he never testified to any such thing. But the key word there appears to be "testified." Because later he said, he WAS hooked up to a polygraph by a private polygraph expert -- he can't remember who -- but it wasn't actually a polygraph test, and he certainly never TESTIFIED that this Ed Gelb hooked him up to a machine.

And yes, after he was hooked up the needles began bouncing. But it wasn't an actual polygraph test. If anything it was a test of a polygraph test, just to see how it worked. No one ever asked him "did you kill Nicole." 

And just because the needles jump around doesn't mean anything -- except that needles will do that.

I think we can come to one conclusion here. V-chips are fine but we need TV sets with lie detector chips. Of course then, it wouldn't let you watch anything, would it?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PASSENGER
Moved: 6/6/2000 7:13
CBS-PASSENGER 6/5/2000

You have rights. This is DR....

Last year, on a snowy day in Detroit, hundreds of passengers were cooped up in a Northwest Airlines jet waiting to take off. They ran out of food, the toilets overflowed, they sat there for eight hours unable to leave.

Under pressure from passengers AND Congress airlines voluntarily adopted their own bill of rights to make sure that would never happen again.

And over the weekend they had a chance to put those rights into action -- when thunderstorms on the East Coast forced the delay of hundreds of flights. Among them, United flight 1806, which pushed away from the gate at O'Hare at 1:23 with about 200 passengers.

But THIS time, those passengers had rights. THIS time, they were not helpless. THIS time they got frequent updates on WHY they were sitting in the plane for two hours, three hours, four hours, five hours.

This time -- they were given ALL the food they wanted. That's right! UNLIMITED airline snacks! Sandwiches for business class, and in economy class ALL the pretzels and peanuts you could eat! And when those ran out -- emergency granola bars. NOTHING was withheld. 

By hour number SEVEN the crew sent out for hot meals, and then, just as the hot food was about to be delivered, the tower cleared flight 1806 for takeoff. But this being the era of passengers' rights, the cabin crew put it to a vote -- should they take off, or wait for the hot food? The hot airline food! 

Needless to say, the jet left the food at the gate, and took off --

-- Eight hours late, but filled with passengers who could smile knowing that at last ... they have rights!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GORE
Moved: 6/6/2000 7:13
CBS-GORE 6/5/2000

Al Gore, landlord. This is DR...

Once in a while a presidential campaign touches on something that actually makes a difference -- and so it was when a Nashville TV station revealed that vice President Al Gore was a slumlord. 

He owns a rental house within sight of his own home in Carthage, Tennessee, and which is rented to Tracy Mayberry, her disabled husband and two daughters: one of whom is mentally retarded, and the other who suffers from seizures.

They pay $400 for four bedrooms, backed up sinks, overflowing toilets and ripped wallboard.

Mayberry says she repeatedly complained to Gore's property managers about the place, and finally, in desperation, contacted the TV station, which did an embarrassing story that brought a call from the vice-president himself and a promise to fix everything.

(ANNOUNCER) "Al Gore -- He'll fix your toilet."

Who says landlords are unresponsive? You just have to ask the right way.

But what's really encouraging is the Republican response.

Jim Nicholson, chairman of the Republican National Committee, issued a statement saying the situation demonstrated a "lack of compassion" by Mr. Gore. Implying that a REPUBLICAN landlord would NEVER have let this happen. A compassionate conservative like George W. Bush would never let it happen.

So there you have it -- Democrats AND now Republicans, both squarely on the side of tenants' rights; both members of the compassionate majority; both making it clear they would NEVER knowingly permit the most vulnerable among us to live in slum conditions.

You know what this tells us. A lot of rental housing must be owned by third party candidates.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ARIZONA
Moved: 6/6/2000 5:21
CBS-ARIZONA 6/01/2000

Invading hordes. This is DR....

It just doesn't stop -- Mexicans, thousands of them every month, streaming across the border looking for work. Arizona is now the preferred crossing point, and patience there is running out.

Ranchers have started their OWN patrols -- not that they're bigoted, they just don't think the federal government is doing enough to stop what they consider an invasion by a foreign country.

In fact a proposal to put up fences, roads and lights along the Arizona border is being held up by the Justice Department, which is worried the roads and fences and lights might do environmental harm.

A sea of undocumented humanity trampling the flora and scaring the fauna probably isn't environmentally sound either -- but no matter, the government will spend another 60 days studying the fence.

There's only one thing to be done. Arizonans must take matters into their own hands. THEY must start sneaking into Mexico.

That's how Texas became a state, remember. It used to belong to Mexico, but Americans started moving in and pretty soon there were enough to secede.

Well, we did it before, we can do it again. Only now we can use our SUVs.

What I hear from people who rent homes in Mexico is that you can live like a king, hire a servant for next to nothing, and it's warm in the winter. With a cell phone and a web connection you can still telecommute, and with a satellite dish you can get 500 channels.

Watch out Hermosillo, watch out Chihuahua, watch out Monterey -- the Americans are coming and we're bringing Regis and 'N-SYNC.

If enough of us go, we might get Mexico to build the fence on THEIR side.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ROCKER
Moved: 6/5/2000 7:51
CBS-ROCKER 6/5/2000

Rehab incomplete. This is DR...

The Atlanta Braves say they're already handling Sunday's incident involving pitcher John Rocker.

What happened was -- and I couldn't believe it when I read this -- about two hours before the game between Atlanta and the Yankees, Jeff Pearlman, the Sport Illustrated reporter who wrote the story that made Rocker's name synonymous with "bigot" -- had a chance meeting with him in a service tunnel under Turner field.

At which point Rocker, who has refused to talk to reporters since returning from a 14 day suspension April 18, started doing plenty of talking -- according to one report launching into an unpublishable diatribe in which he a used a punchy anglo-saxon epithet to describe what he thought Pearlman had done to him and his family.

The confrontation was strictly verbal -- but the implication I get is that the 14 day suspension didn't achieve the rehabilitation the Braves were hoping for.

I think, however, there is another issue here.

If Rocker is a recidivist, so is that reporter.

Now I can think of a lot of people who might risk being in the same tunnel with John Rocker. 

His mom, maybe. A full-equipped Navy Seal, perhaps.

But the very reporter who sat with him for hours and saw his temper first hand, and then went on to write a story that turned him into a synonym for bigot -- 

At some point, even for a reporter, the human instinct for self-preservation needs to kick in, and you walk the other way.

Not only that -- I noticed that after the game, other reporters went up to Rocker at his locker to ask for his comment after the game. If you guys want to be combat reporters, at least wear helmets.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GRANDPARENTS2
Moved: 6/5/2000 7:51
CBS-GRANDPARENTS 1/12/2000

No room for Granny. This is DR...

The Supreme Court has thrown out a Washington State law which allowed grandparents visit their grandchildren against parents' wishes. The court was divided, issuing no fewer than six separate opinions.

But in the main opinion Justice Sandra Day O'Connor concluded that as long as a parent adequately cares for his or her children, there will ``normally be no reason for the state'' to intervene.

The case involves Gary and Jennifer Troxel who sued for the right to see granddaughters Natalie and Isabelle.

In most families... if grandma and grandpa want to come over, they just come over.

But the Troxel's son, and the girls father, Brad, killed himself in 1993. Moreover, he had never married to the girls mother, Tommie. Tommie eventually married another man and cut off the grandparents visits.

The grandparents sued and won: they got one weekend a month, one week in the summer, and four hours on birthdays.

But the state Supreme Court tossed out the decision AND the state law that allowed it -- saying that the state cannot force a parent to accept unwanted visitors.

And today the Supreme Court agreed.

The AARP and a lot of grandparents had argued the Troxells had every right to see their grandchildren, no matter what the surviving parent thinks, because grandparents are crucial for a child's development. But today's decision means they're on their own -- and it means the same will probably go for another case involving a more famous distant relative -- a certain grand uncle in Miami who has been pressing the courts for the right to visit a certain 6 year old whose surviving parent ALSO wants to be left alone.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ARIZONA
Moved: 6/2/2000 7:28
CBS-ARIZONA 6/01/2000

Invading hordes. This is DR....

It just doesn't stop -- Mexicans, thousands of them every month, streaming across the border looking for work. Arizona is now the preferred crossing point, and patience there is running out.

Ranchers have started their OWN patrols -- not that they're bigoted, they just don't think the federal government is doing enough to stop what they consider an invasion by a foreign country.

In fact a proposal to put up fences, roads and lights along the Arizona border is being held up by the Environmental Protection Agency, which is worried the roads and fences and lights might do environmental harm.

A sea of undocumented humanity trampling the flora and scaring the fauna probably isn't environmentally sound either -- but no matter, the EPA will spend 60 days studying the fence.

There's only one thing to be done. Arizonans must take matters into their own hands. THEY must start sneaking into Mexico.

That's how Texas became a state, remember. It used to belong to Mexico, but Americans started moving in and pretty soon there were enough to secede.

Well, we did it before, we can do it again. Only now we can use our SUVs.

What I hear from people who rent homes in Mexico is that you can live like a king, hire a servant for next to nothing, and it's warm in the winter. With a cell phone and a web connection you can still telecommute, and with a satellite dish you can get 500 channels.

Watch out Hermosillo, watch out Chihuahua, watch out Monterey -- the Americans are coming and we're bringing Regis and 'N-SYNC.

If enough of us go, we might get Mexico to build the fence on THEIR side.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MARIJUANA
Moved: 6/2/2000 7:28
CBS-SLOW-MARIJUANA 6/1/2000

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

DATELINE LINCOLN, NEBRASKA: A 20 year old clerk who ordered a quarter pound of grass for $250 thought he was getting marijuana. But what he got instead was 104 grams of lawnmower clippings. Upset about being scammed, he called the cops and claimed he'd been jumped, beaten, and robbed of his $250.

Police quickly arrested three suspects who denied robbing the clerk. But no problem -- after recovering several baggies of grass clippings, police charged the three with "possession of an imitation controlled substance with intent to deliver" -- punishable by three months in jail.

Let's take that REAL SLOW, shall we.

"Possession of an imitation controlled substance with intent to deliver."

Hmmm. Why would we want to discourage people from selling something that looks like marijuana, but ISN'T marijuana? If more drug dealers sold lawn clippings, it would solve the drug problem AND the yard waste problem, wouldn't it?

But no -- what am I saying! 

We're in a war on drugs! And we're so serious about it, we're going to fight anything that LOOKS like drugs! And then we're going to go after these liberal parents who despite all the warnings, blindly give innocent children access to lawnmowers, and weedwhackers! Weedwhackers for heavens' sake! Where are the helicopters when you need them?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GRADUATION
Moved: 6/2/2000 7:28
CBS-GRADUATION 6/2/2000

Happily ever after? This is DR... 

Officials at Sandy High School will not allow senior Shannon Hall to carry the source of her inspiration at tonight's commencement ceremony.

Shannon says that it was finding out she was pregnant last fall that got her thinking about her future. It's what got her to give up late night parties with friends, and to take a more serious attitude about school work and life.

And when her six pound 13 ounce daughter was born Monday she asked school officials to be allowed to carry it with her across the stage -- to show that high school pregnancies CAN have a happy ending.

But the school said no --- she couldn't walk with her baby because the ceremony is reserved for those who have earned the required 24 credits, and the baby has not earned the required 24 credits.

Shannon may think that's a pretty lame argument -- but there are problems with her argument, too.

She wants to send a message that the child changed her life. But simply carrying the child in her arms doesn't really reflect the true nature of the change.

She would have to march with the child, with the child's diapers, with the child's bottles, and with a chart showing her sleep schedule. She'd have to march with her parents -- who will have to help her raise the child, the boyfriend, if he's still around, who will have to pay child support, and the boyfriend's parents -- who, after all, are part of the family now.

That would make for a pretty crowded stage, but at least the student body would get a more accurate picture of how a child can turn your life around.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS NFL SURVIVOR
Moved: 6/2/2000 7:28
CBS-NFL 6/2/2000

Can this sport be saved! This is DR...

Here it is again -- no doubt inspired by the NBA's attempt to get coaches to wear microphones, the NFL is back with it's own recipe for excitement:

Helmet cams! TV Cameras in the quarterback's helmet! And microphones! So we can hear the players' real-time reflections on the game. 

And not only that -- the New York Times reports the REFs might also be outfitted with small cameras. What about the BEER vendors -- THEY'RE the guys who see the interesting stuff!

But what I find most fascinating about this idea is reading between the cams: 
Somebody at the NFL evidently thinks that the reason for football's mediocre ratings is camera position.

I don't think so. I think the problem is trying to maintain interest in football in a world where more and more kids have been raised on the WWF Smackdown. They're trying to maintain interest in a game that has RULES, in a world where kids grow up watching games that have NO rules.

They're trying to maintain interest in a sport that relies on athletes -- in a world that celebrates grudges.

The problem with football is that it's FOOTBALL. The ball gets in the way of what fans really want! A fight! 

A cameras in the quarterback's HELMET? Why? So I can sit at home and pretend I'm a proctologist?

We don't want helmet cams -- we want the helmets off! 

We want two groups of 11 men, each of whom spend a week on a remote island roasting rats, and then are brought into the stadium. When a receiver gets the football, we we want the uncertainty of not knowing whether he'll run with it or EAT it.

Now this.

This is DR.... 
Index 

CBS MICROSOFT LETTER
Moved: 5/31/2000 7:25
CBS-MICROSOFT 5/31/2000

Digital justice. This is DR...

Microsoft is about to submit its final legal response to the government's break-up plan. But everyone's pretty sure that judge Thomas Penfield Jackson will show no mercy. It's almost as if he wants to be rid of the case.

Well, we all want to be rid of this case, and to that end, let me share an ingenious idea that arrived by e-mail.

"Dear Dave,

If 19 state attorneys general find Microsoft's business practices unfair, 
then Microsoft should do the right thing and stop all sales in those states, 
cancel all licenses to manufacturers, and deny access to ... hotmail, and 
any other service... in that state... This would be done as a good faith peace offering..."

Signed, Jim 

Now there's an idea. And it's fair! That New York, and Ohio, and Utah, and the other states have sued is a message from the people of those states, through their elected representatives, that Microsoft is corporation non grata. Microsoft would therefore just not do business in those states. If the people of New York, or Ohio, or Utah want Microsoft products, they'd have to go out of state to get it -- a little like buying a Big Game lottery ticket.

This idea also recognizes that while 19 states HAVE sued, 31 have NOT. The people of those 31 states will therefore continue to suffer the oppression of a nearly universal system that runs just about everything; while citizens of the 19 states that have sued will be able to choose from a RAINBOW of non-Microsoft operating systems -- once someone invents them.

And when those 19 attorneys general run for re-election or re-appointment, a grateful computing public will give them their reward.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CLEAN AIR
Moved: 5/31/2000 7:25
CBS-CLEAN-AIR 5/31/2000

Breathe deeply. This is DR...

Since the Clean Air Act was first passed in 1970, the rules on air quality have only had to take one thing into consideration -- public health. If the pollution is considered unhealthy, then the government can regulate it.

But now, at the urging of the the U.S. Chamber of Commerce and the trucking industry, the Supreme Court will rethink this approach.

The justices agreed to consider whether anti-pollution regulations must take into account NOT just the health effects, but the the cost of compliance.

That means that conceivably, if cleaning up diesel exhaust is too expensive, the court could toss out such a rule. Which might very well be the end of clean air rulings, because if cleanups were cheap they'd probably be done voluntarily.

Business groups are pretty happy about this, pointing out that diesel exhaust is NO threat to public health, and the studies claiming it IS are bad science.

And maybe they're right. Why would business intentionally foul the air we all have to breathe just to save a little money? Of course environmental groups don't trust them -- but -- how about this.

Since the US Chamber of Commerce says the diesel exhaust is safe as-is, then I'll bet they wouldn't mind making a small, inexpensive design change in diesel cars and trucks. And that would be: to mount the exhaust pipe IN FRONT, instead of in back.

Mounting the exhaust pipe in back only breeds mistrust by spewing the exhaust into somebody else's face.

But if drivers had to drive through their OWN exhaust, it would be a strong statement that: "See? I agree with the US Chamber of Commerce! This stuff IS harmless! And what a pleasant fragrance!"

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CHINA
Moved: 5/30/2000 7:52
CBS-CHINA 5/30/2000

Bull's eye. This DR...

The latest issue in the Presidential race is whether to build a missile shield or not. And to make sure George W Bush understands the geo-political implications of this, the Pentagon has offered him the same security briefings that Vice President Gore gets.

These briefings are important because without them, you might not understand the fine points of nuclear logic.

The current anti-missile system being tested is designed to protect us against the odd missile from one of those incorrigible rogue states -- rogue states that have only a few missiles.

But US intelligence point out that China, NOT normally considered a rogue state, also has a small missile force. About 30 TOTAL. And that's the problem. Because if WE have a system that can knock out a ROGUE state's missile, it means we can knock out CHINA's missiles. China would then build more, the thinking goes. And if China builds more, then its neighbors India and Pakistan would build more -- and we have another arms race.

Not good.

So here's what our diplomats plan to do. They plan to assure China that the US defense system is not intended to defend against CHINESE missiles. We will assure China that is only intended to defend against rogue states like Iran, Iraq, and North Korea.

And what does that mean? Well I guess it means, if a North Korean missile comes at us we'll shoot it down, but if a Chinese missile comes at us, we'll let it right through!

Now you understand why the candidates need briefings.

Hey as long as we're about it -- let's designate which cities we'll let them hit. So that if China were to miss, heaven forbid, we could just blow them up ourselves!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NRA RESTAURANT2
Moved: 5/30/2000 7:52
CBS-NRA RESTAURANT-2 5/30/2000

Let the marketplace decide! This is DR...

The gun control forces are making a fundamental mistake once again. They are trying to thwart the NRA's plans to build a shooting sports restaurant in Times Square. Now this is silly. 

If the merry gun mavens want to open a restaurant, let them open a restaurant! I heard an anti-gun spokespersons on TV arguing that the NRA Shooting Sports restaurant would spread a message of violence.

Well, critics are on shaky logical ground here, because you could argue that EVERY restaurant spreads a message of violence. Meat doesn't willingly leap onto the plate, you know.

No, the key here is to IGNORE IT. Don't give the NRA another reason to act persecuted.

It's a restaurant! Like a million other restaurants! If people don't like the theme, or the food, or waiters in camouflage, they don't have to go there. But I'll never understand why critics who want it to fail are instead giving it all this publicity! If you hate the NRA restaurant, QUIT talking about it. You want them to open a chain of grocery stories too?

Of course what REALLY worries opponents is that it WILL be a success, with lines around the block, showing the world that the NRA is loved not only for its politics but its cuisine.

But in that case, the Gun Control side will just have to open a restaurant of its own. The SAFE STORAGE Diner.

High fat foods locked away in reinforced safes; one mai-tai a month limit; child proof ketshup squeezers, and every fork with a fork-lock.

And let the marketplace decide.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SOFT MONEY
Moved: 5/26/2000 6:09
CBS-SOFT MONEY 5/25/2000

Oh, how they hate Big Money. This is DR...

I was talking to a spokesman for the Democratic National Committee about the big Wednesday fund raiser, and I told him I was a little worried. The Democrats are the party of campaign reform; they're the ones who vote for it consistently in Congress, and yet now the party holds the record for a single fund raiser! I was worried their resolve might be wavering.

Deputy press secretary Rick Hess reassured me that the Democrats still plan to push campaign reform if they win the Congress. And indeed part of the reason they raised all that money Wednesday was for the purpose of passing legislation that will prohibit them from ever raising it again.

But I am still having trouble with this idea. I've talked to campaign workers, and I think they feel a thrill when they open a mailbag full of checks -- a euphoria.

I don't think legislation is going to take the big money out of politics. There is really only one way to do that.

Big money de-tox centers.

You have do an intervention with the candidate. You'd probably take him to Telephone De-Tox first -- where they confiscate his cell phones and any loose change. You start slow -- make him go one day without making a fundraising call... then two -- until the night sweats stop. 

Then you go into Banquet De-Tox, where you show slides of chicken and mashed potatoes accompanied by electric shocks, and then follow up with an intense campaign of public service spots: "These are your principles. These are your principles after cashing a check from a lobbyist. Any questions?"

Only if we do this can we save a this generation of politicians from itself.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS MICROSOFT
Moved: 5/26/2000 6:09
CBS-MICROSOFT 5/26/2000

Breakup accomplished. This is DR...

Here in Seattle there's the feeling that an era is passing. America's CEOs assembled again for the annual summit at the Bill Gates mansion on Lake Washington, but nobody seems to care.

With Microsoft shares at 62 and brokers predicting it will fall even further, we might as well face up to the truth.

The thrill is gone.

It doesn't matter anymore whether Microsoft is broken into two pieces, or three pieces, or even four pieces. Why? Because paging through the business section, looking at the articles about who's working where, you notice that quite a few executives are identified as former Microsoft manager of this; former Microsoft manager of that. Never mind two pieces or three pieces -- Microsoft it is now in the process of breaking itself up into 35,000 pieces.

Since one of the big appeals of working for Microsoft was getting rich, and since everyone who held on to their stock is now only about half as rich as they were last year -- even the free Cokes are going to lose their appeal.

It's an interesting philosophical question: what is a software company? 

A software company isn't like a phone company, or a car company or an oil company, or a shoe company. Its only asset is creative energy. If the people who gave that company its energy leave -- is it the same company? That's the strange thing about cases against a company like Microsoft -- the culprit that's finally punished may not be the same culprit who committed the crime.

By the time the Justice department gets around to breaking up the company that broke the law -- the company that broke the law may not even exist.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SHORB
Moved: 5/26/2000 6:09
CBS-SHORB 5/25/2000 (SAT 2)

Wet suit. This is DR...

Leslie Shorb is going to court. Leslie is the senior who lost her post as co-valedictorian at Oregon's Powers High School for showering in the boys locker room WHILE five boys were there. And with graduation coming up next week, she filed a lawsuit asking a judge to restore her title and allow her to speak. 

She will argue the penalty violated her right to due process.

But never mind that -- it violates the parents' right to an interesting graduation. For once instead of a speech about how "We are the future" and "Memories that will last a lifetime" they could have heard a speech about the one thing that is still guaranteed to get attention in America: female nudity. Most powerful marketing tool there is.

Of course, that may be PRECISELY why the school doesn't want her to speak.

But what's the point? Powers is a small high school. The graduating class is 16. She could just call everybody up and read her speech. What's the point of muzzling her?

Worst case, you have an epidemic of valedictorians crashing the boys shower. But as Leslie herself has said, the boys saw nothing that they didn't know existed, so what exactly are the kids being protected from?

Heterosexual thoughts?

Which is why I think conservatives need to rally to her defense. I've said it before and I say it again: Boy Scouts are worried about gay scout leaders, religious groups are sounding the alarm over Vermont's civil union law -- what better way to save a generation of heterosexuals AND create memories that last a lifetime than to have the opposite sex show up in the shower once in a while?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS SECURITY
Moved: 5/26/2000 6:09
CBS-SECURITY 5/25/2000

And people say federal officials are inaccessible! This is DR...

How many times have you heard that complaint -- the fat cats have access to government but WE don't.

Nonsense:

Dateline, Washington: Undercover federal agents carrying briefcases were able to enter 19 of the government's most secure buildings using phony identification. The agents, posing as plainclothes officers from the New York Police department and the US Drug Enforcement agency, were waved around the metal detectors at the State Department, the FBI, the Pentagon, and even reached Janet Reno's office at the Justice Department.

So there you go -- you want access? Get phony ID and you're IN.

The investigators were hired by the General Accounting Office, an arm of Congress which -- that's right, will now hold hearings on security -- having tipped off every terrorist in the world that we have none!

And what will the "fix" be?

I heard Rep Bill McCollum, Republican of Florida, say he wants to increase the penalty for using fake law enforcement credentials! Now come on! Do you REALLY think some creep trying to sneak into Janet Reno's office is going to think "Gee, I'd better not use phony ID -- I could get in big trouble."

No, whenever the issue is personal security, Republicans, of all people, need to ask the same question every other American asks: what would the NRA do.

And I think the answer is clear. 

The Attorney General must be armed. Give Janet Reno a gun! If you were a crook -- would you try to sneak into Janet's office knowing she had a 9 mm in her briefcase? And maybe a .45 in the drawer? 

That's the solution. And my goodness, if the Republicans don't suggest it, who will?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SECURITY
Moved: 5/25/2000 12:36
CBS-SECURITY 5/25/2000

And people say federal officials are inaccessible! This is DR...

How many times have you heard that complaint -- the fat cats have access to government but WE don't.

Nonsense:

Dateline, Washington: Undercover federal agents carrying briefcases were able to enter 19 of the government's most secure buildings using phony identification. The agents, posing as plainclothes officers from the New York Police department and the US Drug Enforcement agency, were waved around the metal detectors at the State Department, the FBI, the Pentagon, and even reached Janet Reno's office at the Justice Department.

So there you go -- you want access? Get phony ID and you're IN.

The investigators were hired by the General Accounting Office, an arm of Congress which -- that's right, will now hold hearings on security -- having tipped off every terrorist in the world that we have none!

And what will the "fix" be?

I heard Rep Bill McCollum, Republican of Florida, say he wants to increase the penalty for using fake law enforcement credentials! Now come on! DO you REALLY think some creep trying to sneak into Janet Reno's office is going to think "Gee, I'd better not use phony ID -- I could get in big trouble."

No, whenever the issue is personal security, Republicans, or all people, need to ask the same question every other American asks: what would the NRA do.

And I think the answer is clear. 

The Attorney General must be armed. Give Janet Reno a gun. Be honest -- would you try to sneak into Janet's office if she had a 9 mm in her briefcase? And maybe a .45 in the drawer. 

That's the solution. And if the Republicans don't suggest it, who will?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SHORB
Moved: 5/25/2000 12:36
CBS-SHORB 5/25/2000 (SAT 2)

Wet suit. This is DR...

With graduation coming up next week -- Leslie Shorb is going to court. Leslie is the senior who lost her post as co-valedictorian at Oregon's Powers High School for showering in the boys locker room with five boys present. And this week, she filed a lawsuit Monday asking a judge to restore her title and allow her to speak. 

She will argue the penalty violated her right to due process.

But never mind that -- it violates the parents' right to an interesting graduation. For once instead of one of those speech about how "We are the future" and "Memories that will last a lifetime" they could have heard a speech about the one thing that is still granted to get attention in America: female nudity. Most powerful marketing tool there is.

Of course, that may be PRECISELY why the school doesn't want her to speak.

But what's the point? Powers is a small high school. The graduating class is 16. She could just call everybody up and read her speech so what's the point of muzzling her?

Worst case, you have an epidemic of valedictorians crashing the boys shower. But as Leslie herself has said, the boys saw nothing that they didn't know existed, so what exactly are the kids being protected from?

Heterosexual thoughts?

Which is why I think conservatives need to rally to her defense. I've said it before and I say it again: Boy Scouts are worried about gays in the ranks, religious groups are sounding the alarm over Vermont's civil union law -- what better way to save a generation of heterosexuals AND create memories that last a lifetime than to have the opposite sex show up in the shower once in a while?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS NRA RESTAURANT
Moved: 5/25/2000 7:10
CBS-NRA RESTAURANT 5/24/2000

Ready, aim, eat! This is DR...

The NRA is taking flack again -- this time over its proposal for a restaurant in Times Square. 

The merry gun mavens plan to invest six million on a theme restaurant near Broadway and 7th Avenue.

New York officials were described as "jolted" by the plan. Apparently, the city is spooked by the NRA's idea for a shooting sports arcade, and a wild game menu -- even though, obviously, no guns would be sold.

That, of course, will be left to school children.

Sen Charles Schumer and Rep Nita Lowey hope they can discourage the NRA by rescinding any tax breaks it might get ... but we know what that will do: Give Wayne La Pierre an even better headline for his next fundraising letter:

"Now they don't just want to take our guns, they don't even want to let us EAT!! We need your $35 NOW!!" 

Let 'em build their restaurant. Why shouldn't gun owners have the chance to pay absurd prices for diner food?

At least this would be one theme restaurant where the theme ACTUALLY has something to do with the food being served.

Your order could include the bullet that killed it -- to show you the benefits of firearms, yes, but it is also more honest than the typical restaurant which, as any animal rights activist will tell you, shields you completely from the reality of meat.

An NRA restaurant on Times Square? Not just yes, but HELL yes! Because if anyone has the guts to be completely honest about food, it's the NRA. 

And one day -- Charlton Heston will end the annual convention by proudly raising aloft a double cheeseburger! "From my cold dead hand!" 

-- Just watch the LDLs, we don't want that to be literal.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BIG MONEY 5/24/00
Moved: 5/25/2000 7:10
CBS-BIG MONEY 5/24/00 5:57 PM-DLR

There's no business like it! This is DR...

Last night in Washington the Democrats set a record for a single fundraising event. 26 million dollars.

It included Lenny Kravitz, LeeAnn Rimes, and Robin Williams giving one of his "better-have-the-kids-leave-the-room" monologues. And today we ask, which is more obscene -- William's monologue, or the MONEY?

But wait -- it turns that money is only obscene if raised by Republicans. Because as the Democrats explained, they didn't just invite the high rollers. They also sold 12,000 budget priced tickets -- to ordinary people would could sit in the upper decks and watch the high rollers eat. 

And what did the high-rollers eat? Barbecue! Food of the common man. AND they ate it wearing blue jeans, making them GRASS ROOTS high-rollers, just like you. 

But here's the capper -- the Democrats held the event so they could raise the money to elect people who will pass the campaign reform laws that will stop them from raising money in this way ever again.

Right! The only way politicians will stop raising money this way is if General McCaffrey forces them all into treatment centers.

They will NEVER make these fund raisers illegal. Look at the pictures -- they were having too much fun! That's why the salty comedy routine didn't bother anybody -- they were having too a good time to CARE what it looked like. 

Fundraising is a blast!

The political parties have become entertainment conglomerates. They're not selling candidates -- they're selling political rock stars.

No, in a few years Americans won't be asking (SERIOUS) "why are these obscene fund raisers allowed", they'll be asking "where can I get a ticket!"

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MUSICAL CHAIRS
Moved: 5/24/2000 11:44
CBS-MUSICAL CHAIRS 5/24/2000

Facing the music. This is DR...

All over the world, governments are trying to deal with the problem of aggressive children. So Britain's Labor Party has issued a booklet called "Toward a Non-Violent Society. And in that booklet, experts target the culprit: the games the schools are teaching to small children. In particular: MUSICAL CHAIRS.

Oh, it may seem innocent enough, but who wins? The biggest and the strongest children.

As a substitute, the booklet suggests "Musical Statues" -- where, when the music stops, the children freeze like statues. No chairs. No jungle-style dominance. 

And most important, everybody wins, so that they will grow up able to resolve arguments without violence. So I guess THAT's why they have those fights at soccer matches -- it's not the beer, it's because too many of the British played musical chairs as children.

And soccer! There's another one! A game that encourages winners and losers. Instead of soccer, you should remove the goals and play a game called "Let's Share The Ball With Our Friends." 

I really have nothing against well-intentioned games like musical statues except for this: everybody DOESN'T win.

First, it's boring, and second, it's stacked in favor of the girls. Because little girls can stand still.

Little boys CAN'T stand still. They're not designed for it.

I'm sure we all have traumatic memories of ruthless games like musical chairs, entrapment games like Simon Says, and games of humiliation like tag.

But we must remember that without games like these -- you will have a lot of antsy little boys.

Now this 
Index 

CBS CHINA
Moved: 5/24/2000 11:44
CBS-CHINA 5/24/2000

China! What will we do about China! This is DR...

The debate over trading with China teaches us one thing. There are a lot of people in this country who think that WE can somehow control China. This has been going on for centuries -- outside countries trying to control China. The British thought they could do it by flooding the place with opium. The Japanese thought they could do it by occupation. They failed.

When will we wake up? China has 1.2 BILLION people. We here in America can't even get CUBA to do what we want. Heck -- we can barely control our own CHILDREN! How are we going to control China?

The side opposed to trade says that you have to hold human rights over their heads. The side in favor of trade says we'll flood 'em with Hollywood movies, hook 'em to the Internet and eventually turn them into a Jeffersonian democracy.

BOTH sides are dreaming!

At the heart of both of these arguments is the implication that we actually have some hope of exerting control over this gigantic nation!

If you're going to trade -- do it to make money. Period!

China will do what it wants to do, with us or without us. If we TRADE with them, I think we all know that they will try to use our technology to make their army stronger. And if we DON'T trade with them, I think we all know they will use someone ELSE's technology to make their army stronger.

At some point, you just have to acknowledge that the police state will fall when enough people finally get tired of it, as happened in the Soviet Union. 

If you're really worried about China taking over the world -- here's the one thing you can do: start reproducing. Immediately!

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CLINTON
Moved: 5/23/2000 7:20
CBS-DISBARMENT 5/23/2000

We are about to witness the latest morality tale to emerge from the Oval Office. This is DR...

Watch and learn children, how much trouble one little lie can cause!

It is the job of the The Arkansas Supreme Court Committee on Professional Conduct to make sure that every lawyer is a credit to the profession, and it has determined that President Clinton, by denying his relationship with Monica Lewinsky, fell short.

The ultimate decision is in the hands of the Arkansas Supreme Court, but the committee's indictment is damning: "serious misconduct" was the phrase it used. It recommends disbarment.

The New York Times quotes Judith Kilpatrick of the University of Arkansas Law School as saying she's surprised, because it was a first offense, and didn't involve stealing from clients. Apparently, for a lawyer to be disbarred he usually has to steal money from clients, or commit insurance fraud. So far, we haven't seen a list of the attorneys who've been disbarred for lying about sexual relations.

But that is clearly going to change now -- at least in Arkansas.

His defense will be once again that he was simply adhering to a very specific definition of sexual relations -- the same defense that failed to sway federal judge Judge Susan Webber Wright who held him in contempt and fined him $90,000.

No, it appears that the State of Arkansas is about to put Clinton, and indeed ALL lawyers on notice that it will not do to hide behind hair-splitting definitions, that to throw the court off-track or shade the truth will not be tolerated.

The impact on Clinton, of course, will be zero; he can earn his living on the lecture circuit.

But the impact on OTHER lawyers -- I guess we have yet to see how much trouble one little lie can cause.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DONATO
Moved: 5/23/2000 7:18
CBS-DONATO 5/23/2000

See you in court. This is DR....

Donato Dalrymple -- the man who was fishing with a friend when they found ELian Gonzalez lashed to inner tube -- is now suing Attorney General Janet Reno and two other justice department officials over the now-famous raid. He wants $100 million.

It's tempting to think that this is just a play for publicity. We haven't seen much of the Little Havana crowd on TV since since Elian left. 

But let's not be petty - let's look at the case on its merits.

The suit says that Mr. Dalrymple enjoys the right to be absolutely free from unreasonable searches and seizures, including ... seizures of his person,
as guaranteed by the Fourth Amendment to the United States Constitution.

And it says that Reno and the other defendants, acting under color of federal authority, personally directed the raid, thereby restricting the Plaintiff's "liberty of movement."

That's the phrase used in the suit: the Plaintiff's "liberty of movement."

Now, for how long do we figure Donato Dalrymples liberty of movement was restricted by Janet Reno? 15 seconds? 30 seconds? A full minute? It was a pretty quick raid.

Let's say a minute.

And he's asking for 100 million.

Now according to the lawsuit itself, it was on April 12th that the family was directed to surrender Elian to his father. The raid took place on April 22nd. So that would make TEN days during which ELIAN'S "Liberty of Movement" was restricted.

Ten days, 1440 minutes in a day, times ten, 14,400 minutes, times 100 million a minute -- by my calculations, Elian can sue the Miami relatives for 144 BILLION dollars. Now this. 
Index 

CBS NRA
Moved: 5/22/2000 7:51
CBS-NRA CONVENTION 5/22/2000

Real power to the people. This is DR...

The NRA wrapped up its annual convention with the usual calls to fight gun control. This year, to counteract the Million Mom March, female members took the spotlight -- talking about using firearms to protect their children, teaching children the difference between a real gun and a toy gun, the need for good parenting, and most of all, making it clear that the Moms of the NRA don't trust the government anymore than the Dads do. 

Because that's the real subtext here -- the purpose of gun ownership is not just to defend against criminals but against TYRANNY. THAT'S what the Second Amendment is really about.

But that brings me to the point that still puzzles me about the NRA, and most gun groups that worry about government tyranny. And maybe this is where women can take a leading role, because they think things through better than men. I've never understood why the NRA has never taken the NEXT step in protecting America from government gone nuts. Because if we are really worried about the government turning on its own people, then it isn't enough to arms ourselves: we ought to be taking steps to DISARM the government.

It is ridiculous, really, to expect that a people who are not even allowed to own machine guns are going to protect freedom against troops with bazookas. So we push Congress to disarm the government and, to dispose of the weapons, hold the mother of all gun shows -- no background checks -- weapons to the people! And THEN the families of America will finally be safe.

If the military insists on keeping a few handguns -- they can store them on that Puerto Rican Island.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CABLE SEX
Moved: 5/22/2000 7:50
CBS-CABLE SEX 5/22/2000

A little sex, lightly scrambled. This is DR...

The Supreme Court ruled 5-4 today that Congress violated our right to free speech 
when it required cable TV systems to restrict the Playboy channel and other sex-oriented networks to overnight hours if they do not fully scramble their signal for nonsubscribers. 

The problem comes up because for some reason these channels chose an imperfect technology that allowed occasional glimpses of the picture through the static. As for the soundtrack, apparently they were unable to scramble THAT at all.

As a result, children were able to unscramble the signals in their heads.

According to court documents, a Florida woman said she found her 7- and 8-year-old children and a playmate one afternoon watching the Spice channel, with scenes of a couple having scrambled sex with unscrambled groans.

This is what Congress wanted to stop.

But the court said you'll have to find some other way.

So here we stand NAKED yet again, helpless to protect our children.

First we couldn't stop that guy from trespassing on our property and stapling that ugly black wire to the side of the house, and then we couldn't stop him from attaching that little box to the TV, and now this.

But there is ONE thing you can do -- one last ditch measure you can take while Congress comes up with an answer.

In the mail sometime this month, you will receive an envelope. It will have a window. And it will be from a cable company.

It will be a monthly demand for money.

Don't write the check, people!

Don't write the check until congress had made that little black wire safe again.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ECSTASY
Moved: 5/19/2000 7:14
CBS-ECSTASY 5/17/2000

Party animals! This is DR...

Here it is, party animals -- the study you've been waiting for. I'll just read the wire dispatch: "A German study suggests that even occasional use of the party drug Ecstasy might dull your mind. The study found that weeks after partying, those who used Ecstasy and smoked pot did worse on intelligence tests than people who just smoked pot or took no drugs."

There it is! A scientific study comparing 28 Ecstasy users, 28 pot smokers, and 28 people who were drug-free. 

On the simple alertness tests, the Ecstasy group did fine. But on the tests for attention, memory, learning, and general intelligence, the Ecstasy group did worse. And indeed the more Ecstasy they took, the dumber they were.

To which we can only say, WE ARE SIMPLY SHOCKED!

So Ecstasy can lower intelligence. let's see... that would assume it is actually possible to find an intelligent person -- who would take a drug called Ecstasy -- who would voluntarily ingest a pill of unknown origin. 

I don't think so. I think this is a self-selecting sample.

And they tested these people for memory and learning? As if people who take Ecstasy are the type of people who are going to take an intelligence test seriously!

THEY don't care!

Assuming we actually need a test to show Ecstasy is bad, here's the only legitimate way I can think of conducting it: take a group of drug-free people, force the pills down their throats, and THEN test them.

But since even the Pentagon has stopped doing that kind of thing, I'm afraid we'll just have to decide for ourselves which is the healthier way to party: hanging around the vegetable platter, or getting whacked out on little blue pills? How to decide!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SPORTS CREDIT
Moved: 5/19/2000 7:13
SPORTSGR.CBS 05/16/00 6:15 PM-DLR 1:29 

No runs, no hits, no credit. This is DR...

It's a perennial problem: athletes with lousy grades. The solution is 
typically to impose a minimum grade level on athletes - make a 2.0 or 
your off the team.

Lately the pendulum's been swinging. Florida plans to eliminate the 2.0 requirement for high school freshman and sophomores on the theory is that it was too discouraging 
for some kids. Now they'll get a chance to play no matter how bad 
their grades provided they agree to take makeup classes over the summer.

But what's the real problem here? Why is it that so many athletes have 
trouble maintaining decent grades? Because schools stack the deck -- by giving credit for math, English, and science, while REFUSING to give credit for what the athlete is good at - football, baseball, basketball.

The kid who excels in basketball gets ZERO credit for it, even though he may have to spend far more time at practice than at his other homework. So of COURSE his grades will suffer.

But Dave, you say - sports can't be lumped in with academic disciplines 
like math and history and science. OK then -- how about lumping it in 
with a course like CERAMICS? Or Theater arts? Or The Simpsons! 

UC Berkeley has a class called "The Simpsons: Sitcom as political and Social Satire." The final assignment is to write a 22 minute Simpsons episode. Pass, and you get two history credits. But make it to the Sugar Bowl and you get a pat on the butt. 

What do employers want today? People who can think on their feet, perform under 
pressure, and understand rules. Well, that's sports! If it's worth putting in the box scores, why not put it on a report card?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DISABLED
Moved: 5/19/2000 7:13
CBS-DISABLED 5/19/2000

Go ahead, make me pay. This is DR.

Star power was flexing it's muscle in Congress again -- Clint Eastwood testifying that his Mission Ranch Hotel in Carmel was slapped with an expensive lawsuit under the Americans With Disabilities Act: half a million dollars in legal expenses over a restroom and a parking space. 

He greedy lawyers are exploiting the law, and so he wants it changed so that business owners get 90 days notice of a violation before a lawsuit is filed.

But lawyers -- some of them disabled themselves -- tell another story.

They point out that unlike other civil rights laws, the ADA was specifically designed to be enforced by private lawsuits -- to save the federal government money. But ADA lawsuits are unique: the disabled people who sue are prohibited from collecting damages. All they get is the ramp, or the wider door. The lawyer doesn't get a cut of some giant damage award -- he gets expenses.

When a business owner ends up paying a big legal fee under the ADA, it's because he fought the case, and lost.

But here's the other problem. If the law is changed so that no one can be sued until 90 days after getting a warning -- who's going to bother with the door or the parking space? You'll wait for a letter! In the meantime, the handicapped person is out of luck.

Maybe I can solve this problem without legislation. As a public service, I shall now give everyone 90 days notice: There's a federal law called the ADA. It passed ten years ago. It says that disabled people have to have access to your business, unless it would be prohibitively expensive. Every architect knows the rules. If you don't want some greedy lawyer on your tail, follow them!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WOMEN
Moved: 5/19/2000 7:13
CBS-WOMEN 5/19/2000

A woman's place -- is in the pew. This is DR...

The Southern Baptists, America's largest Protestant denomination, will vote next month on a statement of belief which reads as follows:

``While both men and women are gifted for service in the church, the office of pastor is limited to men as qualified by Scripture.'' 

In other words, if it passes, the organization would no longer hire female pastors.

As the chairman of the drafting committee says, it's right there in the Bible: Paul's letter to Timothy, which says (QUOTE): ``I permit no woman to teach or to have authority over men; she is to keep silent.''

So, I guess, no talking either.

I would note that if we are taking the bible literally, these were instructions to a man named Timothy -- about how HE should be treating women.

But you can certainly see why the committee might want to crack down.

Women are ordering men around every day! They're in the army; some of them even run big companies. Many of them think they have a crucial role in procreation.

Fortunately, women appear to enjoy being told they're unsuited as religious leaders. I say fortunately because I notice that in the typical church, while the men DO set up the chairs, the women seem to do everything else. And it occurs to me that if these women were to become annoyed or otherwise ticked off over some rules given to a man named Timothy 2000 years ago, organized religion would effectively cease to exist.

So, just to be on the safe side, I would suggest to the MEN that, sometime before the big vote is taken next June, they form a little work party to reinforce the fence around the Tree of Knowledge -- lest the gals start getting ideas again.

Now this. This is DR.... 
Index 

CBS MOONSHOT
Moved: 5/18/2000 6:50
MOONSHOT.CBS 05/16/00 10:09 PM-DLR 1:24 

Nuke the moon. This is DR...

The 50s - happy families, well-scrubbed children, all things sexual 
safely in the closet. But thanks to the Cold War it was also America's 
crazy period.

For those of us in grade school at the time, the defining event was the launch of
Sputnik - which meant the Soviet Union, not us, controlled space.

Schools immediately launched into a crash program of math and science - 
and, the government set its sights on the Moon.

But not the moon mission as we now know it. This was a mission to send - 
to the moon - a nuclear BOMB, which would explode on the surface: a 
visible demonstration of power, in contrast to the invisible Sputnik. 

The wraps came off the secret plan this week when Physicist Leonard 
Reiffel, now 72, told the New York Times he was in charge of examining 
HOW visible the explosion would be.

Very visible, he concluded. Because of the moon's vacuum and low 
gravity, the flash would be followed by an immense dust cloud that would 
spread out in all directions, leaving a giant crater that - the air 
force hoped - would lift America's self-esteem.

School children would be bursting with pride for America: the country 
that taught the moon a lesson it would never forget!

Adults could have said things like "They can blow up the moon but they 
can't deliver the mail on time."

But the project ended when the Air Force decided the risk outweighed the 
benefits - the benefits being basically zero.

Lucky for history cooler heads prevailed. Perhaps because wiser men 
looked at all the craters on the moon and realized how many previous 
civilizations must have tried the same thing and vanished anyway.

Now this. ~C:\WORKS\FILES\MOONSHOT.CBS 
Index 

CBS MISSILE
Moved: 5/18/2000 6:49
CBS-MISSILE 5/18/2000

Bull's eye. This is DR...

Yet another scientist is saying the Pentagon's anti-missile system won't work. Theodore A. Postol, professor of science and national security studies, says that his examination of the test data indicates the system will probably never be able to tell the difference between a real warhead and a decoy.

He joins the American Physical Society and the Union of Concerned Scientists which in saying the tests are bad news.

But Dr. Postol goes farther. He says the Pentagon has deliberately doctored the data to make it look like the system could work when they know full well that it never will.

That they faked the data is a serious accusation, but have you considered that, in the crazy world of missile defense, it could also be a strategy? Remember -- strategic missiles are not like other weapons. Most weapons are designed to be used. Missile systems are designed NOT to be used. They are designed to create doubt and fear. But the only way they can create doubt and fear is if the enemy THINKS they work. 

Now this is easy with regular nuclear weapons -- you blow a few up.

But anti-missile systems are more difficult. It's hard to convince people you've got one that works unless you actually shoot a warhead out of the sky.

The trouble is, it may be technically impossible to shoot a missile out of the sky. Sooo, if you can't actually shoot a missile out of the sky, the next best thing to do would be just to CONVINCE everybody that you can shoot a missile out of the sky.

Maybe THAT's what's going on.

Maybe somebody's thinking: that a lie that works is better than a system that doesn't.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS EXHAUST
Moved: 5/17/2000 7:46
CBS-EXHAUST 

A nation exhausted. This is DR...

You sit at a stop light and there's the smell again. You look at the car in front of you and see the familiar soot stain near the tail pipe. Diesel.

Diesel -- the fuel that mocks the smoke-free society.

The EPA has finally decided to do something about it. Under new proposed rules, diesel fuel would have to be almost sulfur-free -- and new trucks and busses would have to have engines that don't spew soot.

Now does that sound like it would be terribly controversial? Well then let me quote from the wire dispatch: "the petroleum industry, truck engine manufacturers and the trucking industry argued that the rules will be too costly, cause problems with diesel supplies and may not be technically feasible in the required time frame." The time frame, by the way, is seven years.

In other words, they don't want to do it.

I thought to myself, we gas-users have to pay extra for the catalytic converters, plus we've stopped smoking, we even change our furnace filters on a regular basis, wear a dust mask every time we go up in the attic, but then we get behind a truck or a bus OR a car marked DIESEL and our lungs are full of soot! 

Now I suppose we could bring up the cancerous tumors have been found in rats after exposure to diesel exhausts, but how about this:

Suppose that one day, fleets of crop dusting aircraft flew over our neighborhoods, and for some perverse reason, instead of spraying for gypsy moths or fruit flies, they just blanketed all of us with daily treatments of diesel soot.

Just imagine that for a moment: you're looking up, and there are crop dusters spreading soot around.

Would you want it stopped? Yes. Would you care what it cost? No. Would congress pay attention to some lobbyist recommending that we all just HOLD OUR BREATH? Probably.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GORE STOCKS
Moved: 5/17/2000 7:21
CBS-AL GORE 5/17/2000

Risky business. This is DR...

Al Gore's favorite word is risky. The tax cut proposed by George W. Bush was a "risky tax scheme". And lately he's described the Bush plan to let Americans invest some of their payroll tax as a "risky" plan that would leave gaping holes in the Social Security system.

Bush remarked that Gore's criticism was pretty hollow for a guy that has (QUOTE) a "substantial amount of his money invested in the stock market." But when a reporter asked Gore about that Tuesday, the vice president made a startling admission.

He doesn't invest. 

Al Gore does not invest in the stock market, and in fact, stopped investing when he ran for Congress 24 years ago -- because he didn't want to be involved in anything that might be seen as a conflict of interest.

In other words Al Gore is one of the few Americans who missed the bull market ON PURPOSE! He refused to make money as a matter of PRINCIPLE. Now -- why he would avoid the stock market, yet NOT avoid a Buddhist temple is one of those unsolved mysteries.

But this could explain a lot. This could explain why he seems so calm, so deliberate, so serene. Because unlike most of us, he has absolutely nothing to worry about. He's never pasted himself to a display screen. He doesn't know the panic of having to cover a margin, the feeling deep in the pit of your stomach when some judge issues a ruling to break up a perfectly good company sending its stock plunging 43%.

Maybe THAT's why some Americans can't relate to him. They want someone who can feel their panic.

In any case -- I guess we know why he wants to keep social security intact, don't we?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS SOC SEC2
Moved: 5/16/2000 7:24
CBS-SOCIAL SECURITY TWO 5/16/2000

The perfect debate. This is DR:

It's official -- there is a difference between the two candidates. George W Bush has proposed reforming Social Security plan -- so you'd have the option of investing up to 2% of your payroll tax in the stock market or government bonds.

Al Gore says that would be too risky, because you're essentially cutting the payroll tax, which is how the system pays current retirees. And it could be that if people can invest their payroll tax in IRAs, they'll assume the IRA is taken care of and spend their savings.

But have you noticed something about this debate? Since the effects don't kick in for twenty years, no one really knows who's right!

It's actually the prefect issue for a candidate. Nobody can check the facts, because they're not in yet, and won't be in for a long time.

Mr. Bush can say, I'll give you back 2% of your money, and it won't hurt your retirement a bit. But will your retirement actually BE more comfortable than if the system weren't changed? No one's going to know for twenty ears, so candidates can claim anything they like.

Mr. Gore can say -- this is a risky plan. But is it? Would you really do better keeping social security the way it is? It all depends on what the stock market does. It depends on what interest rates do. It depends on inflation. The price of gas. Global warming. Who knows. It's GREAT!

It gives the candidates a chance to argue both sides of an issue without fear of being contradicted -- because the answer depends on things that haven't happened yet.

And we get to decide based on whose GUESS we believe.

Now this.

This is DR 
Index 

CBS KNIGHT
Moved: 5/16/2000 7:24
CBS-KNIGHT 5/16/2000

Knight in shining armor. This is DR...

Indiana University basketball coach Bobby Knight has saved his job by accepting a fine, a suspension and agreeing to watch his temper.

Apparently the University came THIS close to firing him, but he was so apologetic in a meeting with the university president that he'll get one more chance. JUST ONE MORE CHANCE. Zero tolerance from now on. From now on, he's just another employee.

In case you haven't followed this story -- allegations during Knight's 29 year tenure include these:

Hit a Puerto Rican policeman during the Pan Am Games.

Stuffed a fan into a garbage can.

Threw a chair across the court during a game against Purdue.

Threw a vase that shattered near a university secretary.

Appeared to kick his son Pat who was playing against Notre Dame.

Accidentally head-butted a player during a timeout, then got on the public address system to recite a profanity.

And three years ago, grabbed player Neil Reid by the neck for 2.3 seconds during practice. allegedly choking him -- the incident that was caught on videotape.

And the ways he's been punished by his university before now is .... with regular salary increases and sustained hero worship.

Why? Because in big-time collegiate sports, there is only one inappropriate behavior -- losing. Big schools deliberately hire coaches who will do whatever it takes to win, and the best players flock to those schools.

But it's zero tolerance from now on. One more misstep and out he goes.

I can see the help wanted ad:

"Wanted -- sensitive basketball coach. Good people skills a must. Respect for chairs crucial. Winning games nice, but not essential."

Right!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SOCIAL SECURITY
Moved: 5/15/2000 7:22
CBS-SOC SECURITY 5/15/2000

We're all going to be rich. This is DR...

George W. Bush today is outlining his Social Security reform plan and, as promised, he plans to let younger workers invest some of their payroll taxes in personal investment accounts. 

For example, if a 22-year-old earning $20,000 per year were allowed to invest 2 percent of his payroll tax at 5.5 percent, he'd retire at age 67, with just over $100,000 -- plus his remaining Social Security benefit -- whatever that might be. 

Now if the idea is to entrust people with more of their own money, I don't know why he wouldn't just CUT the tax 2%.

But if you are going to pass a law saying people MUST invest a certain amount for retirement, then I think you also need to pass a law requiring those investments to actually MAKE MONEY.

I've done investing in the stock market, and even in those really secure municipal bonds -- and I quickly learned a surprising lesson. That how much money you actually have depends what your shares are worth at the time you sell them.

And incredibly, the value CAN go DOWN.

I remember very clearly a $5000 investment I made in something called a Real Estate Investment Trust that within three months was worth less than the paper that the bankruptcy notice was printed on.

That's when I learned that under US law, it is apparently entirely legal to lose money on an investment -- EVEN if it's for retirement. 

So THAT's the OTHER law that has to be changed.

We all know that Social Security can be a lousy return on your money. But lousy is better than none.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS FORD
Moved: 5/15/2000 7:22
CBS-FORD 7/7/2000

Can you handle the truth. This is DR...

Determined not to be one of those tobacco-like corporations, Ford Motor Company has apparently adopted a policy of ... TRUTH.

At its stockholders meeting in Atlanta, Ford issued its first "Corporate Citizenship Report" in which it said that SUVs -- like the Ford Excursion -- add to global warming more than regular cars, cause more smog than cars, and can pose a danger to smaller vehicles in crashes.

Gee! What happened to vehicles that can confidently take you to the top of a remote butte so you can watch the sunset while being caressed by a supermodel?

No mention of that in the corporate responsibility report. Instead, it quotes the Sierra Club -- which called the "gas guzzling SUV a rolling monument to environmental destruction."

And it admits that with few exceptions, its products are NOT industry leaders in fuel economy.

And it also said it has NO plans to stop making them -- because nothing else the company sells earns as much profit: An estimated 18,000 per Excursion.

Because, according to a Ford spokesman, although customers keep saying they want products that are gentle on the environment, they still want those products to weigh as much as two Jeep Cherokees and get 10 miles to the gallon.

And if Ford doesn't sell them, someone else will.

Probably some evil entity like communist China.

Well you see what the message to consumers here is, don't you?

"Vehicles don't pollute the air, people DRIVING vehicles pollute the air. A Ford Excursion sitting in the driveway is no more polluting than a skateboard."

If you didn't buy it -- we wouldn't make it.

And even the most environmentally sanctimonious among us has to admit -- they're right!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS OAKLAND DAN
Moved: 5/15/2000 7:22
CBS-OAKLAND 5/11/00 11:35 PM-DLR

One more city learns the hard way. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio 
Network.

Once in a while, we should recognize public officials for their 
generosity. In city after city, they provide impoverished professional 
sports teams with everything they want, no matter how much of YOUR money 
it takes.

Latest case in point: Oakland, California. Five years ago the civic 
leaders did everything they could to get peripatetic Oakland Raiders 
back in Oakland, where they belonged, including the usual gift-wrapped 
stadium.

The Raiders, to show their gratitude, tried to break their lease. And 
the city had to sue them to keep them in town. Then two years later, the 
Raiders turned around and sued the city of Oakland and Alameda County 
BECAUSE, in the rush to pour public money into the stadium, someone 
forgot to pass a law requiring people to attend the games. Because 
newspapers had the bad manners to print the final scores of Raiders 
games, there are so many empty seats that, according to the San 
Francisco Chronicle the court battle to decide whose responsible for 
them has cost taxpayers over six million dollars. But that's just the 
beginning.

The Raiders want 700 million dollars to make up for lost revenue, plus 
another 400 million to cover the overall value the team has lost - for a 
total of - one-point-one BILLION dollars.

I think it's time to hire more police and make fans go to games at 
gunpoint.

Meanwhile, the city continues to subsidize the stadium with about 15 
million dollars a year. Some people recall angrily that the city fathers 
said it WOULDN'T COST THE PUBLIC A CENT to bring the Raiders back.

But they were right. It could be more like a hundred billion cents.
Now this. 
Index 

CBS MILLION
Moved: 5/15/2000 7:21
CBS-MILLION 5/11/2000

One big group of mothers. This is DR...

This weekend the Million Mom March comes to Washington DC -- with satellite marches all over the country. The goal is to try to keep guns from angry young people, and keep the innocent out of the crossfire.

It was supposed to be non-controversial.

In fact that's the whole idea behind the movements that put the word Mom up front. The two things you can't challenge in America are Mom and Apple Pie, and since you can't have Apple Pies against Drunk Driving, you have Mothers Against Drunk Driving. Mothers Against Gang Wars. Mothers Against Misuse and Abuse. Mothers Against Fathers In Arrears.

"Mom" is the magic word. It's the trump card in the debate.

But when the issue is guns, even the word MOM isn't enough.

And so the Million Mom March will have opposition. A group called the Second Amendment sisters will hold a counter demonstration -- the Armed Informed Mothers March. To them, gun control means gripping the pistol with BOTH hands. They'll point to the study showing that when governments make it EASY for Mom to pack her piece, CRIME goes DOWN. Job one for a mom is protecting her kids, and when the family is under attack, a good Mom reaches for the Smith and Wesson. Oops -- wait - we're supposed to be boycotting Smith and Wesson. A good Mom reaches for the Walther PPK!

And so there they are -- the same arguments that have been chasing each other for years -- except THIS time, for a change, we men can sit back and just watch the coverage. And hope the women can do a better job of reaching a consensus than we men did.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ANIMAL RIGHTS
Moved: 5/15/2000 7:21
CBS-ANIMAL RIGHTS 5/11/2000

The next frontier. This is DR...

Animal rights activists have struck again -- this time they struck a chicken farm in Washington state, liberating 240 hens.

The Animal Liberation Front, which claimed credit said the chickens have been placed in loving homes.

This follows the liberation of 23 rabbits from a research lab and 60 mink from a fur farm.

And it isn't only fringe activists sticking up for the animals -- in Seal Beach, California the chief of police blocked a plan to use pellet guns against the hundreds of wild rabbits which have overrun the golf course at Leisure World.

Plus you have the demonstrations against the use of animals in circuses -- I just think the time has come to take animal rights to the next step.

Animals need guns. A few activists can only do so much. But if those chickens were ARMED -- you can bet they wouldn't troop quietly off to the processing plant. If Mink were armed -- the skinner would immediately drop his knife. If rabbits were armed -- the bunny trail would finally be safe evenif it does cross the golf course.

This then, is the next frontier for gun rights. Now that every man, woman, child, and angry teenager has access to a dazzling array of powerful firearms, and are all enjoying their liberating effects; it's tme the Animal Liberation Front and the NRA joined forces in extending the right to bear arms to include the right to arm bears -- AND rabbits AND chickens AND mink.

Now I know some of you will be saying, but DAVE -- if this happens, where will we get our food? Don't you worry about that. If our species is any indication, plenty of armed chickens will end up shooting each other.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS GIULIANI
Moved: 5/11/2000 7:26
CBS-GIULIANI 5/11/2000

Out of control. This is DR...

Love Bug. Fire at Los Alamos. Now the Giuliani senate campaign -- out of control.
Mayor Giuliani revealed Wednesday that he and his wife Donna Hanover are moving toward legal separation.

For those of us in the great American outback who don't follow New York politics, the first hint that something might be wrong came when his wife accepted her latest acting job.

Appearing in a production where the word "Vagina" is capitalized just didn't sound like something a political wife would do, especially one married to a mayor who found decoratrive dung offenseive.

Now, sure enough, we learn that the reason is -- they stopped leaving post-its to each other long ago.

You can't help but feel sorry for the man -- his tough guy rep notwithstanding, he looked devastated at that news conference. And it's not as if he's some kind of finger-wagging conservative -- he's a likeable man. It's not as if he's Newt Gingrich -- who just married number three, by the way.

But Giuliani is a member of the party that blessed the idea of exposing and scrutinizing the private lives of public men. It's an idea that keeps jumping the firebreak.

Hillary Clinton needs only to stand by and watch as the party that elevated personal conduct to issue number one attempts to measure up to its own standards.

But Giuliani isn't thinking about her -- ``I don't really care about politics right now,'' he said. 

Probably echoing the thoughts of a lot of people who would make excellent mayors, and governors, and even Presidents, but can't stomach the prospect of undressing in public.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS NAPSTER
Moved: 5/11/2000 7:26
CBS-NAPSTER 5/11/2000

The other anti-trust case. This is DR...

Music CDs are getting cheaper. The Federal Trade Commission has settle an anti-trust case with five huge music companies who'd been price fixing. That's why you were paying fifteen bucks for a CD.

But alas, it's too late.

Music lovers have already discovered that if they own a computer, the price of their favorite music has dropped to zero. They're using a program called NAPSTER -- which was the childhood nickname of its young author -- that makes it a snap to share music files.

You just load the program, type in the name of the artist you want, and in a few seconds, you get a huge list of other NAPSTER users who are willing to upload the exact cut you want from their computer to yours -- FREE.

This is clearly copyright infringement -- and a lawsuit filed by lawyers for the rock group Metallica has scared Napster into kicking off anyone sharing Metallica files.

But whether it's NAPSTER or some other program, this is an age when ANYTHING digital can be shared without leaving fingerprints.

Should the music industry be whining? For years the music industry has sold us ALBUMS. What's an album? Three songs you like scattered among 20 you don't. 

When Microsoft tried to pull the same thing by forcing people to buy its browser along with the operating system, the justice department called it illegal.

Musicians will probably have to do what everyone else does -- sell advertising. Right there in the lyrics.

Metallica's "Am I Evil" for example

Am I evil? Yes I am.
Am I evil? I am man, yes I am.

But maybe a couple of Tylenol and I'll feel better.

Something like that.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BIG GAME2
Moved: 5/11/2000 7:25
CBS-BIG GAME 5/10/2000

We have a winner. This is DR....

The Big Game and its 366 million dollar jackpot have a winner.

Two winners, actually -- and if the winners were members of a pool, or casually said somehting stupid like, "I promise to split this with if I win" -- maybe more.

And the first question for the winners is always -- what will you do with the money?

And the answer is always charmingly mundane: "I'm going to fix up the house, get a new car, and buy Burundi."

Please don't say that this time.

This time, for once, do something extraordinary. DO something newsworthy. Stand there and say, "I hereby nominate myself for my party's nomination to be President of the United States." And immediately hire a staff to get your name on the ballot, under the banner of the Luck Party.

Party mascot, the scratch ticket; party motto "I'm on a roll."

We NEED something like this. This year's race is threatening to sink into a sea of political pudding. The only difference between candidates is which country club their donors belong to. 

We are missing the maverick.

And winners of big lottery prizes are IDEAL. They occupy a unique moral position: They have the money it takes to win, and yet they got that money without tainting themselves.

Unlike the candidates who were born rich, THEY can still remember what it was like to be normal. They shop at convenience stores, after all. And unlike the candidates who've had to GROVEL for money, they are beholden to NO ONE.

In short, a Big Game winner who runs for office could embody that RAREST of all combinations: the candidate who is wealthy enough to win, yet pure enough to deserve it. Do it, please.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS McCAIN
Moved: 5/11/2000 7:25
CBS-McCAIN 5/10/2000

Yes, but is it love? This is DR....

As if to remind us that there still IS a presidential campaign going on, defeated candidate John McCain finally stepped forward in Pittsburgh to say (QUOTE) "I believe that it's very important that we restore integrity and honor to the White House. I am convinced that Governor Bush can do that more than adequately."

Not exactly a political marriage. Not even a domestic partnership.

Reminded that he had just endorsed Governor Bush without using the word "endorse", he then said "I endorse Governor Bush" six times. And even though he said it as if he were scolding a group of misbehaving first graders, it marked a significant event in the campaign.

It meant he had used the word six more times than Bill Bradley has.

Bill Bradley -- he was the Democrat who traveled the country losing to Al Gore, and who to this day, has NEVER used the word endorse. He has only promised his "support". Which so far means keeping very quiet.

John McCain, by contrast, has not agreed to keep quiet -- and even compared yesterday's endorsement to "taking medicine"!

"A joke" he said. Get it??

Reporters, reading between the lines -- might be tempted to conclude that John McCain and Bill Bradley still hate their rivals' guts.

But that's not the story here. 

The story here is that both defeated candidates have revealed that they lack a key characteristic essential for any President:

The ability to fake sincerity.

The ability trade high-fives and bear hugs with a man who turns your stomach.

The story here is that the process works. We now know why they HAD to lose.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS BIG GAME
Moved: 5/9/2000 8:59
CBS-BIG GAME 5/9/2000

The largest jackpot in history. This is DR...

The Big Game jackpot is 325 million, and perfectly sane people are mobbing convenience stores and gas stations in Georgia, Illinois, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, New Jersey and Virginia to trade perfectly good money for a 1 in 76 million chance at winning the jackpot.

Gambling experts can only smirk at this, and point out the insane odds:

Winning would be like ``throwing a rock off the Empire State Building and hitting someone you know.''

Winning would be like closing your eyes, running your finger over a list of everyone in America and landing on the name of an ex-president.

You would do better betting that you'd be dealt a royal flush on the opening hand in a poker game (1 in 649,739).

In fact, you have a far better chance of being killed by terrorists while traveling abroad (1 in 650,000). Or dying from flesh-eating bacteria. Or getting into a fatal car wreck on the way to buying your ticket.

But it's useless talking about the odds because lottery players care only about the prize. Indeed, the worse the odds, the bigger the prize gets and the better people like it. The states are at last reaping the benefits of emphasizing sports over math!

And even if you DO win, you don't get $325 million -- after taxes it's only 8.5 million a year. And if there's more than one winner it could drop to four million, or two. You can get that much by calling up a couple of venture capitalists. 

I know this is all in a good cause -- to pay for state programs. So how about this. Find those people who need those state programs -- and let 'em set up lotteries! They'll never need help again!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FAT PEOPLE
Moved: 5/9/2000 8:59
CBS-FAT PEOPLE 5/9/2000

Fair is fair. This is DR...

San Francisco has finally decided to protect the "fat" -- with the Board of Supervisors voting to ban any discrimination based on weight or height, along with race, religion, age, gender and sexual orientation.

The ordinance is written to stop size discrimination of ANY kind, but it's mainly for the fat, who, because of their size, are assumed to be lazy or unhealthy.

By the way, people who actually ARE lazy or unhealthy ARE apparently still fair game because they're not mentioned.

And now that San Francisco has joined Santa Cruz, Washington DC, and the State of Michigan in banning fat discrimination, and fat acceptance is spreading, I hope I can appeal to this newly empowered class to use its power wisely.

Because I am a member of a particular body-type subset that is acutely concerned over the practical effect of this new trend -- no matter how neutral the language in the ordinance may be.

I... am a person of attenuated mass. In MY experience -- and I expect some validation here, because it IS my experience -- it is not always the person of width that suffers the real discrimination. It is the person like me in the next seat.

When a newly-empowered coach passenger raises the armrest to celebrate his empowerment, who loses territory? Me. When the newly-empowered rock fan starts throwing his weight around in the concert line, who gets squeezed out? Me. When the newly-empowered movie-goer decides to sit one row closer to the screen than I did, who is suddenly in the dark? Me.

We are sensitive people, and we are very happy the municipal laws are now officially neutral; we only wish the laws of physics were too.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS LOVE BUG
Moved: 5/8/2000 7:34
CBS-LOVE-BUG 5/8/2000

Just following orders. This is DR...

So, let's see how this will work. Police arrest the person who started the ILOVEYOU virus. The person is hauled before a judge who delivers a finger-wagging scolding about how the virus swept the globe and crippled computers in 20 countries.

Now -- as other budding computer outlaws watch this unfold, do you suppose they'll take it as a warning -- or as INSPIRATION?

This is going to be like playing whack-a-mole! Write a few lines of code, achieve fame overnight.

And what do the experts advise? Don't open your e-mail unless you know what's in it! Which means if you want to someone to read your e-mail you need to what -- call ahead?

This incident reminds us once again of the computer's fundamental flaw: it is too stupid to know where its orders are coming from. It doesn't don't know whether the order to erase all your files came from YOU, or from some guy in the Philippines.

Remarkable, don't you think? How many times a day do you see a box saying "This program has committed an illegal operation and will be shut down." You look at that and you say -- well isn't that nice! The computer is looking out for me! 

But it isn't true, is it? If the computer was REALLY looking out for you, it would also say "Hi there -- "I've just been directed to turn your hard disk into cottage cheese. Should I?"

It would give you a fighting chance!

But of course the computer NEVER displays a message like that! No -- it just goes ahead. The same computer that can catch a single spelling error in a 400-page document, will then go ahead and ERASE that document on orders from an outlaw in Manila!

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS END OF WORLD
Moved: 5/8/2000 7:34
CBS-END OF WORLD 

What's the holdup? This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Why does it refuse to happen? Indeed, it continues to NOT happen on a 
regular basis. I refer, of course, to the end of the world.

After not happening on January first, it has NOW not happened 
again.

On Friday that Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn and the moon 
entered their tightest alignment in 38 years, signaling earthquakes, 
tsunamis, and perhaps even giving us an opportunity to eat some of our Y2K rations.

Well, Jupiter aligned with Mars, and we're all still here -- albeit minus a few files.

This is why cult leaders have to create their own Armageddons from time 
to time -- because the earth refuses to cooperate. Indeed it turns out to be a remarkably sturdy planet.

Doomsayers were predicting everything from a stock market crash to huge 
tidal waves. One book suggested that gravitational pull from the alignment would cause Earth's crust to slide and its poles to shift, generating monstrous earthquakes and tidal waves hundreds of feet high.

Well, we do have a big fire in New Mexico, but that was man-made, and there's flooding in Missouri, but no polar shift.

Darn -- and here it is a sweeps week.

But let's not give up hope just yet -- the planets will remain aligned until about May 18, so earth remains at risk until then, the book says.

Of course we all know this is nonsense -- that the effect of a planetary alignment is insignificant.

You can rest assured a planetary alignment will NOT destroy the earth.

That'll happen when you open an e-mail by mistake and launch all the missiles.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS MISSISSIPPI GAY2
Moved: 5/5/2000 7:25
CBS-MISSISSIPPI GAY2 5/4/2000

"Entering Mississippi -- gay parents exit here!" This is DR...

Starting July first, gay couples in Mississippi will not be allowed to adopt children.
Governor Ronnie Musgrove has signed a law to ban such adoptions, and the American Civil Liberties Union plans to file a court challenge.

Supporters point out this simply restores the balance of power since Vermont's passage of a law giving gay couples nearly all the benefits of married couples.

But then listeners following along at home will note that the state of Connecticut has a bill letting gays and other unmarried people adopt their partners' children.

But remember -- that's balanced by Florida which outlaws gay adoption just as Mississippi does.

Somewhere, the next Abraham Lincoln is waiting in the wings? There is some historical evidence he might side with the North on this on too.

I certainly don't want to second guess anybody's state legislature -- they're doing the will of the people after all, and the people want to strengthen traditional families.

I just am not entirely sure how prohibiting gay couples from adopting DOES that.

Because if I am not mistaken, one of the big reasons so many states DO allow gay adoptions is that there seem to be a lot of orphaned children that traditional families WON'T TOUCH!

The older kids, the kids whose mothers did drugs or drank during pregnancy -- kids like that.

But let's be fair here -- the law probably doesn't do any harm since most gay couples are smart enough not to try to adopt kids in Mississippi and Florida anyway. Plus it's not as if Florida and Mississippi DON'T have a program for such kids. They do. A bus headed north.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS MIAMI
Moved: 5/5/2000 7:25
CBS-MIAMI 5/5/2000

Miami's fired city manager isn't gone yet. This is DR...

Donald Warshaw was fired from the manager's post in Miami -- America's Most Interesting City -- when he refused to follow the mayor's order to fire the police chief, who then resigned.

Now a judge has temporarily blocked Warshaw's firing, so officially he remains in office. Mayor Joe Carollo (kah-ROY'-oh), meantime, vows to get the court order LIFTED. He's still angry that the police chief never tipped him off to plans for the Elian grab -- which the police chief didn't do because the mayor had said publicly he would never support such a thing.

Don't you wish politics in YOUR city was this interesting?

Well in an effort to keep this story going JUST a little longer (becasue it's a sweeps month, remember) let me make a suggestion: why doesn't the city manager just refuse to leave his office! No matter what the court says! And hold a press conference inviting citizens to form a human chain around him. And start a web site -- liberty-for-municipal-bureaucrats-dot-com -- which would show the city manager wrapped in an American flag.

And every morning he should come out, sign a few documents in front of the cameras, play with a toy gun, and capture America's heart. Tearful secretaries would then tell reporters how they have bonded to their boss, and how firing him would betray everything they thought this country stood for. 

Sympathetic bureaucrats from around the country would block streets.

And then he's essentially saved his job, because the Mayor would never send the police to remove him. And Janet Reno certainly isn't going to do it, now is she?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS LOVEBUG
Moved: 5/5/2000 7:25
CBS-LOVE BUG 5/5/2000

Spreading the love. This is DR...

Billions in damage, deleted files, frayed tempers, people forced to use THE TELEPHONE! -- it just warms the heart to see the way Love can keep us together. The way one simple computer virus can tear down the walls that separate us. For a few precious hours, race, gender, politics didn't matter. Everybody in the office had a common bond; a single overriding thought; a unanimous mission: find a gun, shoot the computer. For one brief shining moment everyone agreed on the role of firearms.

But this was MORE than just an annoyance. No, it was much more than that. It was like a tap on the shoulder. A reminder. An echo of lessons learned and too quickly forgotten. Of warnings given but too easily ignored.

Consider the phrase "ILOVEYOU" -- a phrase that carries a unique power. Whoever wrote the ILOVEYOU virus was trying to tell us something.

How many times have you fallen in love only to be left with nothing more than a nasty infection -- all because you weren't careful; all because you were taken in by the sweet words. Come on now, people: What do you get when you fall in love? You get enough germs to catch pneumonia! Have we forgotten?

Why did this spread? Because millions of people looked at a screen full of mail, all with the same ILOVEYOU message, and what did they do? OPENED IT! Thinking -- They love me, they honestly love me! 

Amazing, isn't it? You'd think that people would have had enough of silly love notes. But look around you and you'll see it isn't so, oh no! Some people want to fill the world with silly love notes.

And now you know what's wrong with that.

Now this.

This is DR ... 
Index 

CBS HADALOT
Moved: 5/4/2000 7:18
CBS-HADALOT 5/4/2000

Let's sing along. This is DR...

Alan Greenspan wanted to kill the wealth effect, and he certainly has us all singing a different tune. So let's hear it investors -- I'm sure you know the words:

SONG -- HADALOT

A law was made for those who trade on Wall Street

Beware the stock that's suddenly red hot

Cause there's no legal limit to the lost dreams

Of when you Had A Lot.

The gains you should have realized in December

Could disappear and cost you all you've got

You sit in silence trying to remember - when you Had-A-Lot:

Had-A-Lot

(I once) Had-A-Lot

Oh, I had brandy and cigars

Now I feel Bad-A-Lot, Bad-A-Lot

I'm taking sponge baths in my car!

Our children thought they'd be attending Harvard

I recently informed them they would not

And yet look what I've still got - a snapshot of my yacht

And half as many relatives as when I HAD A LOT

Master#25 & 16 1:15 ~C:\WORKS\FILES\HADALOT.SNG 
Index 

CBS KENT STATE
Moved: 5/4/2000 7:18
CBS-KENT STATE 5/4/2000

Thirty years later. This is DR...

For a lot of us who were college students at the time, Kent State was never a University, it was a rallying cry.

I remember the hastily painted posters outside the student union building at Cornell breaking the news that four students had been shot dead during a demonstration at Kent State. Everyone upset; people in tears...

We'd been through a spring of continuous anti-war demonstrations, but MY biggest concern was that my plans to become a physicist were in chaos. Classes were being cancelled, and I was having trouble understanding some very important mathematical formulas.

The Kent State shootings changed that. I bought ticket number one for the bus that would take us to the big March on Washington.

But today when I was looking at the coverage of the anniversary, and trying to recall my state of mind -- all I could think of was how minor it all seems compared to what was happening to the kids who actually FOUGHT the war, and who were sent there by officials who now concede it was a mistake.

Four students shot by the national guard is pretty bad. But high school kids who now get lockdown drills the way we used to get fire drills must wonder what the fuss is about.

As a baby boomer who was lucky enough NOT to have his draft number picked, I have trouble dredging up the old fears that America was becoming a police state and WE were the ones who had to sacrifice to save it.

In the end, Kent State was an anomaly. 

And despite the cancelled classes, I learned enough about mathematics to know that the sacrifices of those who stayed home didn't reach the same order of magnitude of those who didn't.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS HEARINGS
Moved: 5/3/2000 7:34
CBS-HEARINGS 5/2/2000

Apparently not so bad after all. This is DR....

Remember those hearings on the Elian grab that were supposed to start today? They're not. Time Warner must have blacked them out! Judiciary Chairman Orrin Hatch says he's still waiting for those documents from the Justice Department first.

But considering the whole thing was on TV for everyone to see, we are left to wonder -- what documents he could the POSSIBLY need?

Documents showing how much Miami-Cubans donate to political campaigns?

Perhaps documents stating that the 62% of Americans who say they approve of the operation were fibbing to the pollsters?

Perhaps documents that say a six year old Cuban kid who can't even read Spanish yet was able to understand an asylum petition written in English?

Hmmm. Documents like that could take some time. Probably hidden deep within the White House e-mail system.

One of the questions Senator Hatch wants to ask is whether the government can just send agents with guns into ANY American home at any time. But we already know the answer to that -- YES: any time you refuse to surrender a six year old child who doesn't belong to you and is at the center of an international incident! The only other time is when a tipster says you've got pot plants in the basement.

So we're STILL left to wonder why they would want hearings. Hmmm. I read that the cost of the whole Elian saga is just under 600,000 so far. Maybe that's it! The Senate noticed that as federal operations go, this is far too low... and if they hold hearings, and maybe a big investigation, they could boost the cost to ten or twenty million! Where it belongs!

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS TIME WARNER
Moved: 5/3/2000 7:34
CBS-TV ADDICTS 5/3/2000

The big TV turn-on. This is DR....

ABC is back on the cable system -- we can all relax. Emergency over. Although the battle isn't over -- Time Warner and Disney have until July 15th to settle their differences, otherwise, we're told, ABC could disappear again. 

Right!

I think this whole episode shows that even the TV broadcasters THEMSELVES can't control the monster they've created.

According to industry observers, this is all about CONTROL -- who controls the horizontal, who controls the vertical -- will it be this megacorporation or THAT megacorporation.

But as Time Warner and Disney were trying to lay blame on each other both quickly realized that the audience didn't care two cents for the fine points of transmission fee negotiations, they were just REALLY ticked off that they couldn't see their favorite shows.

And as a result of that anger, the discussion moved almost instantly from "Where's Regis" to "Where the anti-trust division when you really need it?"

At which point I suspect certain executives said "Maybe we've taken the wrong approach here."

In their zeal to control television, big corporations should realize that even THEY have limits. They can get away with a lot, but the ONE thing they CAN'T get away with is cutting it off.

In America, TV is family. People don't WATCH the TV -- they have a RELATIONSHIP with it.

To think Congress actually mandated a V-chip to make the thing turn itself off! It shows how out of touch they are! What people REALLY want is legislation to make sure it NEVER goes off.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS BLACKOUT
Moved: 5/2/2000 7:59
CBS-BLACKOUT 5/2/2000

Video impaired. This is DR...

The airwaves today are filled with the lamentations of TV viewers deprived of ABC. -- Blacked out because parent company Disney couldn't reach an agreement with cable owner Time Warner. Cable subscribers in New York, Philadelphia, Los Angeles, have been without ABC since 12:01 yesterday.

And you just want to want to cry when you hear these quotes:

Patrick Czeck of Philadelphia (QUOTE) "I just wanted to see a little bit of brainless TV before I headed off to work."

Caroline Bournos of New York, (QUOTE) "No Oprah, no Rosie, how can this last?"

Well, you know what people, you've all grown soft.

When I was growing up, we knew how to make something called an antenna that could work EVEN in New York, Mayor Giuliani.

So listen closely.

Go to the back of the set and find the terminals marked VHF antenna.
There are TWO of them, but that's just in case you need a spare. You can use either one.

Attach a wire to it, and then what we used to do was get my mother to hold one end of the wire and then move around the room until channel seven came in. Then we'd move a chair to that spot so she could sit down.

Don't worry -- almost any relative will work -- I've heard that uncles work pretty well too, but you want to stay away from children because they have trouble standing still, and it's STABILITY that is the key here.

Rabbit ears work too, but the key there is of course aluminum foil. You 
want to crinkle it in the shape of an actual ear.

Ah! It's bad enough that we no longer know how to hunt our own food, but when Americans have lost the ability to make a simple TV antenna, we might well be a third world country.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MICROSOFT2
Moved: 5/2/2000 4:45
CBS-MICROSOFT-2 5/1/2000

The monopolies are EVERYWHERE. This is DR....

Now that the Justice Department has taken a stand against Microsoft, and its attempt to impose ITS standard on the rest of the computer industry -- it's got me thinking about OTHER damaging monopolies that we live with every day.

For example -- there is a monopoly that affects the lives of each and every one of us -- and indeed, even dictates our movements from moment to moment.

I refer of course, to STANDARDIZED TIME.

Now I understand that we can't get along without clocks -- what I'm wondering is why everybody in a given geographical area is forced to set his clock to the SAME time?

Have you ever considered why rush hour has become such a problem? Because 9 a.m. is the same for everybody.

And yet every one of us who has ever hit the snooze alarm knows that some days, 9 a.m. comes much too early. And SIX a.m. comes WAY too early. Time standards are why so many Americans suffer sleep deprivation.

And then, twice a year, we are forced to set the clocks ahead or back -- like compliant little robots.

Well, why should we have to comply with some arbitrary monopolistic standard just so our bosses can get rich?

If we're going to break up monopolies, let's break up ALL the monopolies!

We will, of course need a transition period. Two competing time systems at first, then, after ten years, the market would be thrown completely open. 

Eventually a healthy competition can develop, where private companies can sell specialized time systems adapted to the needs of individual Americans.

Until then, no matter how many pieces Microsoft is broken into, America will still be in the grip of monopoly.

Now this.

This is DR 
Index 

CBS MICROSOFT
Moved: 5/1/2000 7:24
CBS-MICROSOFT 5/1/2000

We must NOT stop here. This is DR...

The government's attempt to breakup Microsoft is designed to increase competition.

And I think that even Microsoft supporters can see why that would be necessary. No matter where you go in the world now, anywhere there's a computer, there's Microsoft. You can sit down to a computer halfway around the world, and when you turn it on, that Microsoft logo will appear. And you'll see that little start button. And you'll know EXACTLY what to do!

That's CRAZY! Of course this has to be stopped! 

But I've noticed something else which has come to dominate commerce no matter where you go. Something so INGRAINED none of us gives it a second thought. And yet no one is even TRYING to break it up and introduce healthy competition.

I refer of course to... BASE 10.

Oh sure, there are a few geeks who use binary and hexadecimal, but when it comes to everyday applications it's Base 10 -- everywhere you go. Road signs, page numbers in books and magazines, digital clocks, your paycheck, your checking account, your birthday, EVERYTHING is written in Base 10.

Now, some might argue that is very convenient. But come on, people! How lazy are we?? The Base 10 monopoly has stifled creativity. Stifled diversity. What about Base 3, or Base 7? They haven't got a chance! Yet they are legitimate number systems, able to do everything base 10 can do and --- far less dangerous.

Remember the Y2K panic? It was caused by our reliance on ONE number system. In base 8, for example, the year 2000 would have been 3720. No big deal!

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS PARIS SCRIPTS
Moved: 4/28/2000 12:54
CBS-JUAN NO-GO 4/10/2000 MON 1

Why won't the father stay? This is DR. On the CBS Radio Network.

Coming to you this week from Paris -- a week's vacation to see our daughter
on her junior year abroad -- and guess who also makes headlines here?
Little Elian! It was discussion topic number one on the BBC World Service
this morning, with listeners calling in from Miami, including one who
said -- why would anyone want to raise a child in the US where the
illiteracy rate is much higher than in Cuba and where little boys Elian's
age can get guns and shoot their classmates.

The caller might also have pointed out that the demonstrators outside the
home were beating up an effigy of Fidel Castro wearing a bra -- which can't
have been a healthy sight for a young child to see.

But that's the discussion the exiles wanted to start, isn't it? Who has
the better society, Cuba or us. And I fear this is NOT a good time to bring
it up.

Here in Paris, for example, a member of the French Parliament has just
published a book called ?No Thanks Uncle Sam.? The basic theme: ?you may be
the last Superpower, but you can't make us like you.? It paints the US as a
bully -- throwing its military around and imposing its materialistic culture
on the rest of the world. Even though as far as I can tell the people who
pack the McDonald's here in Paris despite the existence of so many delicious
alternatives seem to be there entirely by choice.

The Miami exiles figure that anyone who doesn't want to live in America
ought to have his head examined.

But I have a feeling they can offer Elian's father asylum, jobs, a home, 10%
movie discounts -- he plans to turn them all down to go back to a Communist
country with his son.

The exiles of Miami have been set up -- and every time they link arms, the
Maximum leader says ?mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the cleverest despot
of all? and marvels at how easy it is to embarrass the last Superpower.

Now this.

DR

CBS-AIRLINES 4/10/2000 MON 2

Those friendly skies. This is DR...

A couple of University researchers have released their annual study of
Airline service, and found that in every aspect EXCEPT baggage handling
(strangely enough) it's getting worse.

Even though the airlines last December came up with a passenger bill of
rights promising among other things to actually quote the lowest fare to
passengers who ask for it, and never ever to leave passengers sitting in a
plane on the tarmac for eight hours without at least explaining why, despite
promises like that, complaints are still increasing. The number of
complaints in the month of February was almost double the number from the
year before.

And the researchers say that while any change takes time, the trend in
airline performance is not encouraging.

Well, I don't fly a lot, but I fly enough, and compared the alternatives --
which are driving, trying to sleep on a train, or desperately pretending to
be asleep on a bus -- the plane isn't that bad.

Certainly there are delays, but there are usually excellent reasons, such as
life-ending thunderstorms, and deadly mechanical problems. Why complain?
If the pilot doesn't want to go, why would you?

Actually, most of the trouble I have with flying is when somebody tries to
jam a dinette set into the overhead bin, or somebody takes one of those menu
cards seriously and actually tries to CHOOSE his entre, and then, of course,
you get the occasional wacko who busts down the cockpit door, threatens to
kill the pilot and grabs the controls.

So, it's OK to survey passengers to see what they think about the airlines,
but really, to be fair, you also need to survey the AIRLINES to find out
what they think about the passengers.

Now this.

CBS-T-SHIRT 4/11/2000 TUES 1

Clothes from hell. This is DR...

It's been two years now since Robert Parker was sent home from Rhode
Island's Westerly High School for wearing a black T-shirt that school
officials said was disruptive. It was a promotional T-shirt for a rock band
called White Zombie which cost Robert $5 and probably would have gone
unnoticed except for the three numbers on the back:

6-6-6.

Robert Parker, then a sophomore, didn't think he'd done anything wrong, and
neither did his mother, and NEITHER did the ACLU, which decided to fight the
school on grounds Robert Parker had a constitutional right to wear that
shirt. Two years later, the town has spent 60,000 defending itself, even to
the point of lining up a priest to testify about satanism.

Meantime, Robert Parker is now a senior, and the White Zombies are now
defunct, tempting one to conclude that this has all been a colossal waste of
time.

But many people are worried -- you let this go, and pretty soon the kids are
showing up not just with numbers, but BAD WORDS on their T-shirts. (And we
can't imagine THAT happening in an American high school.)

All of which raises two questions. Question number 1: Why didn't mom just
tell him not to wear the shirt?

And question number 2: Is it the number 666 that does the work of Satan --
or is it the REACTION to the number 666 that does the work of Satan.

Every time this number hits the news we might as well be telling teenagers!
Here you go! Here's something ELSE you can do to annoy the vice principal!

Why must 666 carry only a satanic association? Why can't we look at it as
an area code? A street address? Something that happens when you hold the
"six" key down too long?

Now this.

This is DR...

CBS-ELIAN-END GAME 4/11/2000 TUES 2

Turning the tables. This is DR....

I don't know if it's true or not but there are reports today that Elian's
Miami relatives are softening -- that they may be ready to cooperate with
the Justice department in turning the boy over to his father.

And as this strange affair moves toward its conclusion, we all wonder --
will it be a happy ending, or a sad ending. That, it appears, will not be
up to the family, but up to the demonstrators.

For four months they have been pounding home their anti-Castro message --
except that it's been backfiring with a large segment of America. What the
rest of America sees is a group of people who put their own history ahead of
the rules of their adopted country -- and who are so powerful, that local
politicians and even presidential candidates do not dare defy them.

It's all too easy to look at this and begin to see unpleasant parallels to
places like Bosnia.

But there is a way for the demonstrators to turn it around -- and remain
true to their anti-communism.

There is a way they can make it clear to the world just HOW DIFFERENT
America is from Cuba.

Because one of the things that makes America different from Cuba is that
America is a country that lets you leave if you want to.

We don't shoot you if you try to go. We may think you're crazy, but we
don't try to stop you.

Which means that instead of a human chain to BLOCK access -- the Miami
exiles should form a human escort to bid farewell. No chants, no effigies
of Fidel, only American flags and good wishes. For both Elian AND his
father.

Shake his hand, wish him Godspeed -- and without saying a word, you will
remind the world that he goes back to a country that would not return the
favor.

Now this.

CBS-BUSH 4/12/2000 WEDS 1

What kind of Republican is this? This is DR...

Once upon a time, it was easy to tell the big parties apart. The Democrats
were for social programs; the Republicans were for rugged individualism --
and for posting the Ten Commandments anywhere a teenager is likely to see
them.

But then here comes George W. Bush -- a suspected Republican -- speaking in
Cleveland and St. Louis and unveiling ideas that sound lot like... SOCIAL
PROGRAMS.

Tuesday he unveiled the ?New Prosperity Initiative,? to help poor people:
it would offer tax credits for banks that match the savings deposits of poor
people.
-- It would give the working poor credits to help buy health insurance.
-- And instead of monthly rental vouchers for the poor, Bush would lump the
vouchers together into a down payment for an actual HOUSE.

Then today, he talked about the Health Care Safety Net -- a proposal to
build 1200 community and migrant health centers across the country -- and he
talked about it at a neighborhood health center in an area bursting with
Democrats.

He hasn't mentioned health care for the elderly yet -- but you know what? I
bet he will!

And then THIS: ?Dateline Washington -- George W Bush plans to mee this week
with a carefully selected group of gay activitists... etc. etc.?

Well you can't expect him to meet with anyone who is TOO gay the first time
out -- but the fact remains he's going to meet with gay people.

And it's all got to be driving the Democrats NUTS! Especially the
generosity toward the poor.

Because the poor aren't dumb. They know when a Republican promises money it
means he's ready to write a check. When a Democrat promises money, it means
he's first got to pry it loose from a Republican.

Now this.

CBS-WORLD'S FAIR 4/12/2000 WEDS-2

Expo no-show. This is DR...

Expo 2000, the first world's fair of the new century, begins June 1st in
Hanover Germany -- but it will have to do without a US Pavilion.

The reason: no money.

What's that, you say, no money for a US Pavilion at a time when the nation
has never been richer? Yes, because Congress passed a law in 1994
prohibiting the government from spending taxpayers money on pavilions. And
today the US Embassy in Berlin issued a statement that private contributions
had fallen short.

So no pavilion.

Now when I read that on the wire this morning my first thought was -- how
pathetic! A world's fair and the last superpower pleads poverty. And then
I read on -- and saw what the plan was.

The plan was for a US pavilion costing $35 million -- which would make it
among the biggest there -- in the form of a SHOPPING MALL.

We were going to build a pavilion in the form of a shopping mall to spread
American culture!

Now THERE's what Europe needs -- an American shopping mall spreading
American culture!

The Ross family has been spending this week in Paris to see what our oldest
daughter's been up to on her junior year abroad... and even though fending
off American culture is the national hobby here, walking to the studio I
passed the Disney Store, two McDonald's, the Gap, a Citibank and several
movie theatres showing the same films that were playing at the Galleria 11
back home.

And it isn't just American products -- you can find products and people from
just about every country on earth.

Which is why world's fairs don't mean much anymore. We already have plenty.
They're called CITIES.

Now this.

CBS-RUCKUS DEMO 4/14/2000 FRI 2

Down with the corporate elite, part TWO. This is DR...

The World Bank and the International Monetary Fund are about to hold their
annual meetings in Washington DC, and this time, they will have a lot of
company. The same protest groups that so successfully harassed the WTO
conference last December in Seattle are feeling so empowered that they plan
to take on a city that actually KNOWS something about demonstrations.

Good luck guys. Remember -- in Seattle you had a mayor who was assuming you
would just get up and leave when told. The Seattle police were so
unprepared they actually had to order out for more pepper spray.

But the real question is whether these demonstrations make any sense. The
overriding theme seems to be that the US and its corporations are oppressing
poor nations by exploiting their cheap labor and insisting that they pay
back their loans once in a while.

This DOES sound pretty evil -- but I learned from covering some of these
same demonstrators in Seattle that there is one question they could never
answer: if a man or a woman in a third world country wants a job that pays
two dollars a day because it's better than what he's got, should he not be
allowed to take it?

Would you tell him, ?I'm sorry, but you must continue to live in squalor for
the sake of saving American jobs? Isn't this just bullying of a different
sort?

And, as for those mean international banks and their oppressive loans, maybe
countries that don't like the repayment terms should refuse to borrow the
money in the first place! Maybe they should just set up donation barrels on
the Mall and invite the demonstrators to donate. And they can assure
everyone who contributes that not one penny will be repaid.

Now this.

CBS-MISSILE SAT 2

Mind games and rocket science. This is DR.

A group of American scientists has concluded that the anti-missile system
the United States is thinking of spending about 30 billion dollars on isn't
going to work.

Now scientists have said this before, but this time, the warning carries
more weight. The group is affiliated with MIT, where everybody is
unbelievably smart, and its report runs 175 pages, much of it a discussion
of how an anti-missile system violates a set of laws more fundamental than
even the Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty -- those being the laws of physics.

The anti-missile system is one for two on its field tests so far, with a
third test scheduled for June.

But the scientists say you can test it all you want, an enemy will always be
able to fool it. China has already figured out how to do it, and North
Korea, Iran, and Iran probably will as well.

And if not, all they have to do is read the report which points out that
warhead carrying bomblets full or germs or chemicals would slip right past
the BEST missile system.

Or an enemy could release dozens of decoy balloons -- only one of which need
have the nuclear bomb inside.

So there you have it.

I keep telling the Pentagon -- since this is all a mind game anyway, we
don't need an anti-missile system, what we need is a convincing decoy.

A DECOY anti-missile system, that just LOOKS like it works. We announce a
bunch of tests down in Area 51 where no one's allowed to videotape them, we
release a very convincing defense department video showing every single war
head being knocked out of the sky, we tell the world that at last we're
invulnerable ? and we make it clear that in the unlikely event some nation
DOES get past our invulnerable anti-missile system, we blow them to
smithereens just like before.

Now this.

This is DR.... 
Index 

CBS SHOWER
Moved: 4/28/2000 11:53
CBS-SHOWER-SLOW 4/27/2000

Keep it clean. his is DR...

Dateline Powers, Oregon: Taking a shower after gym class has an Oregon high school girl in hot water -- because she took her shower in the boys locker room.
18 year old Leslie Shorb says did it to make a point about a lack of supervision.

Alas, as fate would have it, that day, a teacher WAS around; and Leslie was caught and punished. She is suspended for 10 days, stripped of the title of Valedictorian, banned from the senior ball, and banned from the senior trip to Mexico.

But the school didn't stop there. The five BOYS whose shower Leslie crashed were ALSO punished: banned from extra-curricular activities.

Now, you can understand why the school might throw the book at Leslie -- but the boys? What is a teenage boy supposed to do when a naked girl shows up in the shower? Run away? Close his eyes? It would go against every fantasy he has ever had! No, the only thing a boy wants to do in a case like this is try desperately not to wake up.

PLUS -- here we just had the Boy Scouts arguing before the highest court in the land that homosexuality is dangerous to our young men -- so dangerous that a scoutmaster cannot BE gay, even if he never even mentions sex. A scout must me morally straight, and that means, heterosexual.

Well, what better way to create vigorous young heterosexuals than to have a naked and quite lovely 18 year old show up in the boys shower from time to time.

We don't know their orientation going INTO the shower, but we can be pretty sure that every one of them came OUT of that shower a raging heterosexual -- not only clean in body but so morally straight they could RUN the Boy Scouts.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS HORROR STORY
Moved: 4/28/2000 11:53
CBS-HORROR STORY 4/27/2000

[GROUP TRACKS ARE IN ITALICS]

News you've heard before. This is DR...

Time for another news item that you've heard so many times, I invite you just JOIN IN when you come to a part you know.

Dateline Boston. An English teacher at the Boston Latin Academy, looking for a challenge for her students, assigned them to write a vivid and descriptive STORY. 

One student, inspired by several RECENT MOVIES, all of which depict GRISLY MURDERS, turned in a vivid and descriptive story involving a student who wants to GET RID OF HIS TEACHER --- A teacher who resembles much too closely THE TEACHER WHO GAVE THE ASSIGNMENT.

-- You HAVE heard this one!

It took the principal all of TEN SECONDS to decide the student should be SUSPENDED for... THE REST OF HIS LIFE.

Well, not quite -- actually, only three days.

But his mother thinks even that's too much because DID NOTHING WRONG.

He was just BEING CREATIVE. Right. And he's an EXCELLENT STUDENT.

Now, is it just me, or do you ever wonder why teachers are still assigning children to write horror stories if they intend to suspend the kids who do too good a job?

I mean -- we all KNOW the rules -- you suspend any kid who writes a paper that would look bad if it were to appear in the New York Times the day after the kid shoots up the school.

But if that's what you're worried about, then stop asking kids to write horror stories! Ask them to write... romances! That way, instead of vivid and detailed descriptions of violence, they could write vivid and detailed descriptions of WILD ADOLESCENT SEX!

Yeah. I think maybe it's just too dangerous to teach English anymore.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS ELIAN14
Moved: 4/28/2000 11:53
CBS-ELIAN14 4/28/2000

Scary pictures. This is DR...

The famous picture of Elian and the fisherman coming out of the closet -- is changing with time.

At first it was scary -- helmeted government agent with automatic weapon aiming at helpless boy in the arms of a fisherman.

But since then we've learned a few things. 

First -- Donato Dalrymple, cannot really be described as a fisherman since the only time he'd ever BEEN fishing was the day Elian floated by.

And we've also learned the officer with the gun had the safety on.

But most of all, we're learning that this neighborhood of well-intentioned people whose only goal was to protect a helpless child was a little more, shall we say, "organized" than we thought.

According to the Washington Post, the INS had identified between 20 and 30 armed people ready to prevent any raid.

Now you might argue that one can find between 20 and 30 armed people in just about ANY American neighborhood, willing to do almost anything.

But according to INS informants, there was a system of observation posts linking a bodyguard contingent of five armed men, a backup contingent of 15-20 people staying behind the house -- some of whom were identified as having criminal histories -- and five members of a radical anti-Castro group called Alpha 66 in the crowd outside.

You begin to wonder if it WAS such a good idea to have the safety on.

By the way, you remember the Miami relatives argued that a six year old boy has the power to ask for asylum all on his own? I have a feeling that we will shortly see him ask to return to CUBA all on his own. Who could blame him. He's spent five months in what sounds like a pretty dangerous neighborhood.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS COLUMBINE
Moved: 4/27/2000 7:25
CBS-COLUMBINE 4/27/2000

Horror film? This is DR...

Families of the Columbine victims don't think those tapes of the crime scene should be released. The record companies whose music was used for the soundtrack don't think they should be released -- until the music is removed, anyway.

And I'm pretty sure most Americans don't think they should be released. We don't want to be reminded of what happened. It's still too close to home -- a still life of destroyed computers, overturned chairs, scattered books, abandoned backpacks, and bloodstains -- each with a placard, displaying a number or a name.

But the tape's been released. The question now is who should see it.

For the answer to THAT question, let's look at another story: Dateline WASHINGTON -- seven major gunmakers filed suit yesterday seeking to stop a growing movement by government officials to force changes in the design and sale or firearms.

The gunmakers are angry that a number of governments have agreed to make Smith and Wesson their preferred firearms provider -- in exchange for the company's promise to develop safer guns, and restrict sales.

They think those government officials stepped over the line.

Maybe. But before going to court -- I think THEY ought to sit down and watch that tape. [That's not unprecedented. The Anti-abortion movement uses graphic pictures.] -- The CEOs of Glock, and Beretta, and Browning and the others ought to watch the Columbine tape -- maybe with their families -- and then decide whether they really want to stand up in court and argue that manufacturers should be required to do exactly NOTHING to make it tougher for teens to buy and use their products.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BOYSCOUTS
Moved: 4/27/2000 7:25
CBS-BOYSCOUTS 4/27/2000

The stranger among them. This is DR...

The Supreme Court has now heard arguments in the case of James Dale -- the former Eagle Scout who lost his position as assistant scoutmaster when a newspaper article revealed he was gay.

In their questions, the justices were mainly concerned about what their decision might do to other organizations. If they rule that the Scouts have NO right to kick out a gay scoutmaster -- does that mean the Knights of Columbus would have to accept non-Catholics. Or even people who don't like Columbus.

If they rule that the scouts CAN kick out a gay scoutmaster because the scouts consider gayness immoral -- well then, what about a heterosexual scoutmaster who has pre-marital sex? Should your kid be on a campout with a guy like that?

All very confusing. What WAS clear from the oral arguments was that NOWHERE in the scout law does it specifically state that gay men are unwelcome.

The Scout oath is pretty clear about believing in GOD, so it obvious that ATHEISTS aren't welcome, but there is nothing saying, "A good scout is never gay."

Just that you must be "physically alert, mentally awake, and morally straight" -- and James Dale argues he WAS all those things. He didn't doze off at meetings, doesn't lie, doesn't steal, doesn't cheat. If STRAIGHT is intended as a sexual term, no one ever told him. It wasn't even on the scoutmaster application.

That's what's so strange about this case. The scouts argue gay people are bad role models -- and they're been fighting for ten years for the right to exclude them, and yet, even if they win the case, they'll have no way of knowing who they are!

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS MILLIONAIRE
Moved: 4/26/2000 7:21
CBS-MILLIONAIRE 4/25/2000

Who wants to stop being a millionaire? This is DR...

Whenever Microsoft stock does anything, everybody looks at Bill Gates -- this time, we hear that Bill Gates lost 10 billion dollars in the latest price drop, so much that he is actually only a billion dollars away from becoming the world's SECOND richest man.

Certainly tragic in its own way -- it means all the rich-guy jokes will have to be changed now -- but he'll land on his feet, and most important, he is still a billionaire.

Instead of being up to his ears in wealth, it barely covers the belly button. Instead of rolling in dough, he's only DRIPPING with it.

Consider, however, the other kind of Microsoft investor.

Consider not the billionaire. but the new millionaire. Consider the investor who, when Microsoft hit $119.93 cents last December 30th looked at his net worth and realized -- he had finally become a paper millionaire!

He posed for snapshots with his broker's statement. He looked in the mirror and said "At last! I am no longer some wage slave, some cog, some pathetic middle management lackey! My kid can go to Harvard. I can buy a big silly sailboat and take off for Tahiti! I am someBODY!"

Consider THAT investor.

-- Who has since seen Microsoft drop 43% and his potential million become a potential 570,000 -- a figure without any romance whatsoever.

-- Who has gone from captain of his ship back to pathetic middle management cog. Whose kids have gone from Harvard to community college.

And still the Justice Department talks about a breakup? Why not just send in a SWAT team to take what's little is left of our self-esteem and get it over with?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SLOW MISSILE
Moved: 4/26/2000 7:21
CBS-SLOW-MISSILE 4/25/2000

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

DATELINE UNITED NATIONS: U-N Secretary-General Kofi Annan has again cautioned the United States against building a "Star Wars" missile defense system, saying it could lead to a news arms race.

Russia also opposes plan, saying a missile defense would make its own forces ineffective, and force it to respond by building more.

But Secretary of State Madeleine Albright defended US policy, saying the idea is not to provoke Russia, but merely to protect the US against the handful of missiles that might be launched by rogue states such as North Korea or Iran. 

Let's take that REAL SLOW:

"...the idea is not to provoke Russia, but merely to protect the US against the handful of missiles that might be launched by rogue states such as North Korea or Iran."

It's just to protect us from ROGUE states. OK.

So what we're saying is, we want to reassure Russia that we only intend to shoot rogue missiles out of the sky, and if a RUSSIAN missile heads our way, the system will LET IT RIGHT THROUGH!

NOW it makes sense. We want to make sure that if we're vaporized, we're vaporized by a MAJOR nation like RUSSIA.

The news always makes more sense... 
Index 

CBS ELIAN RETURNED
Moved: 4/24/2000 7:14
CBS-ELIAN RETURNED 4/24/2000

They are quite simply shocked! This is DR....

Some members of Congress are SHOCKED at the way Elian Gonzalez was seized. Which I SUPPOSE I could understand -- except that most of the criticism seems to be coming from conservative Republicans. And THAT I don't understand.

For example -- the police were criticized for storming in, weapons drawn. Well, anyone who endorses the war on drugs cannot POSSIBLY be shocked by this. This stuff goes on every DAY! At least this time nobody's house was seized -- and no one was even arrested. For once the cops were there to reunite a family instead of tear it apart.

As for the decision to use ASSAULT weapons -- I suppose SOME people could be shocked by that, but those of you who understand the Second Amendment cannot possibly be among them. Because you understand that in America it's not only your right to own weapons, it's your right to stockpile weapons -- stacked in your closet, lined up in your dresser drawer, piled under your pillow. The neighborhood was obviously hostile. The cops should go in with baseball bats? You gundamentalists know better than that!

PLUS -- you guys have also told us that we shouldn't be afraid of so-called assault weapons. That an assault weapon in the right hands is no more dangerous than Play Dough! And THIS assault weapon had the safety on -- so what could be more benign?

And another strange thing -- did those conservative Republicans notice that after the raid, a number of the demonstrators outside the Gonzalez house burned the American flag? Youguys have tried to make that UNCONSTITUTIONAL. Shouldn't you just be a LITTLE upset about THAT???

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS UNAMERICAN
Moved: 4/24/2000 7:14
CBS-KINDER GENTLER 4/24/2000

Couldn't they have been kinder and gentler? This is DR...

By now you've heard all the criticism about how federal agents acted with too much force in getting Elian out of Little Havana, and you've seen the pictures:

Men in black, pointing automatic weapons.

There must have been a better way, says the family. We were ready to cooperate, says the family. We are reasonable people. We would have offered no resistance.

If they had simply ASKED us nicely!

And maybe they have a point. Let's think about this. Was there another way? Did the INS have to send in big burly agents dressed in black and armed with assault weapons? Just because you're trying to intimidate someone doesn't mean you have to be INSENSITIVE about it.

Couldn't they have tried something else? Wait -- I have it: Instead of agents in black, dress them .... as Teletubbies! EVERYBODY loves the Teletubbies!

And just have them phone ahead -- "Hi -- we'll be there to get the child in about a half hour, we'll be the ones with the TV screens in our bellies."

Then they'd knock, do a few comedy routines to get everybody laughing, and then they would have said -- hey, Elian -- want to go to Disneyland? And before you know it, he'd be gone. So there WAS another way.

They also could've done a better job with those phony pictures of the kid. 

You've heard that Elian's hair grew about three inches between Miami and Washington. Well if you look carefully, you notice that both Elian and his dad have those strange RED eyes -- I think these are pictures of ACTUAL aliens from a lot farther away than Cuba.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS MIRACLE
Moved: 4/24/2000 7:13
CBS-ELIAN-EASTER 4/21/2000

A child, or a miracle? This is DR....

To most people Elian is just a child -- albeit one who survived a remarkable ordeal.

But Catholics in Little Havana see a deeper significance in his story. The Washington Post today carries an article several Cuban exiles who believe that God is using this event to communicate with them.

One of the pro-Elian posters shows his face with picture of Christ crucified in the background.

Rev. Jose Luis Menendez, pastor of Corpus Christi Catholic Church, says the suffering of this child represents the suffering of the Cuban people. He compared Castro to King Herod -- who slaughtered the innocents. And he compared President Clinton to Pontius Pilate -- washing his hands of another slaughter. 

There's the story of the dolphins protecting Elian from the sharks as he floated toward Miami, the story that despite all that time in the sun, his skin remained as soft as a baby's.

There are some who think that Elian is the signal that Castro's regime is a about to fall -- that he is the Moses that will lead the exiles back.

Of course metaphors only go so far: when Moses mother out him into that basket, she saw that he floated into the palace of her oppressor -- the Pharoah. His mother also immediately offered her services as a nurse so that Moses ended up being raised by his own parents.

As for the other parallel -- if Elian is a metaphor for Christ, then it would make his father God, which should lend a certain authority to HIS wishes in the matter.

But that's why he has to be mythologized. If he's a religious figure, he belongs to the crowd. If he's just a child, he belongs to Juan Gonzalez.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ELIAN12
Moved: 4/24/2000 7:13
CBS-ELIAN12 4/20/2000

Just move IN. This is Dave Ross...

The court says Elian can't leave the country. It does NOT say his father should continue to be estranged form his son. 

The Miami family says they have nothing against a meeting with Juan Gonzalez, they just can't agree to turn over custody of the boy without a psychological examination.

They've invited him to come to Miami. 

Well then, I say again, it's time he did JUST that. Call their bluff!

He should come to Miami with his wife, and his other child -- but he should not move into some diplomat's house or some hotel -- he should move in with the Miami family. He should stay right there in the house. (Being from Cuba, they are used to living in close quarters.)

They should show up for Easter Dinner, and then stay Monday, and Tuesday, and Wednesday -- not asking for asylum, which they apparently don't want, they'll just move in and start raising Elian THEIR way. And each day, Juan Gonzalez can go out into the yard with his son and ask the crowd -- may I leave now?

And if they say no, he just goes back into the house. In the meantime, his wife says, "you know the sofa would really look better over there." SO she moves the sofa.

The next day Juan goes out again -- and if the crowd still doesn't want him to leave, he goes back in and rearranges the books in the living room (add a few volumes about socialism).

Next day he tries again to leave with his son, and if the crowd says no -- his wife changes the drapes, rearranges the paintings (put up a few pictures of Castro).

Until one day ... it will be Lazaro coming out, begging the crowd "Will you PLEASE let this guy leave, before I call Janet Reno myself!"

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ATHLETICS AND MONEY
Moved: 4/24/2000 7:13
CBS-ATHELTICS AND MONEY [DF] 4/21/2000

A real education.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

With school year winding down, college athletics can finally get back to what's really important.

Money.

Winning a national championship brings more than bragging rights, you know.

For example, in the case of basketball champs Michigan State, it means free Nike shoes and uniforms for the entire team, and, for Coach Tom Izzo, not just the shoes and the clothing, but $200,000 for wearing them during games.

You might think -- hey -- shouldn't the PLAYERS get something?

But of course, college players cannot be paid, because then they would be pros. And college players are not pros, they're amateurs. Their primary reason for being in college is to become political scientists.

I keep telling myself that -- these are amateurs, they're there for the education. But then you see stories like this one -- from the University of Tennessee, which won a FOOTBALL championship recently.

Professor Linda Bensel-Meyers of the University of Tennessee oversees the freshman composition program there, and she's been looking into a suspicious grading pattern among football players.

After going over the transcripts of 37 football players, she found the following:

-- a player on academic probation for failing to maintain a C average for ten of his 14 semesters, but allowed to stay in school.

-- juniors and seniors who haven't declared majors, but stay in school.

-- And 101 grade changes, many for athletes who were close to being declared ineligible to play.

On athlete's grade went from an "F" to an "A."

I guess in sports that's what you call "an assist."

Now this. 
Index 

CBS COLUMBINE
Moved: 4/24/2000 7:13
CBS-COLUMBINE 4/21/2000

Coming in from the cold. This is DR...

Ever since Columbine, schools have been trying to understand why they have so many outcasts.

Elliot Aronson, a teacher and social psychologist, says its because they CREATE them. By celebrating the jocks and the geniuses they turn everyone else into also rans.

And we all know how it feels:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>ARONSON3
Time: 10s
In-cue: I have this image in my mind
Out-cue: place to sit] 

It was 25 years ago in Austin, Texas, when desegregation was causing constant fighting between ethnic groups, that he helped devise a solution: the JIGSAW approach. If the assignment, for example, is to study World War II -- students work in groups of five. One researches the German War machine, another the Allies reaction, a third the role of Russia -- until they put together a complete assignment:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>ARONSON2
Time: 30s
In-cue: And if it's done right
Out-cue: compassion for them ] 

And if teachers wonder whether students can succeed using the jigsaw approach -- Elliot Aronson recommends watching a good basketball game sometime.

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>ARONSON1
Time: 8s
In-cue: A beautiful
Out-cue: against each other] 

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ELIAN11
Moved: 4/20/2000 7:48
CBS-ELIAN11 4/20/2000

A strange little ruling. This is DR...

Federal appeals judges in Atlanta have upheld a court order keeping Elian Gonzalez in the United States. And the ruling is very instructive, especially for those of you who may question th edecision-making ability of your first grader.

Did you know that according to the court ruling, under US law, ANY alien who comes to this country can apply for asylum regardless of age, and regardless of whether his parents want him to!

It makes you wonder -- if the law has such a high regard for six year olds in THIS area -- why not in others? Suppose a kid wants to divorce his parents for sending him to his room? And lest you think this is one of those LIBERAL appeals courts, let me point out that only ONE of the three judges was appointed by President Clinton -- the others were appointed by Reagan and Bush.

The ruling is so strange you can't help but wonder if the REAL intent was just to prevent a violent confrontation.

Maybe the court knew that if it ruled for the Justice department, Janet Reno would finally act, with ugly results.

The court took pains in a footnote to recommend that family members use the court's mediation service to come to a voluntary agreement.

Because there is no excuse not to anymore -- is there. The boy can't leave, so there's no longer a question of giving the evil Castro a political victory.

Congress apparently intended that ANY alien of ANY The court order does NOT say he must stay in the custody of his Miami relatives.

So this is cetainly a victory for the Miami exiles, but it also removes yet another excuse for keeping him away from his father, right? The big reason for keeping him away from his father was that his father would immediately take him to Cuba. but now his father CANNOT take him to Cuba. his father would have to stay with him HERE in America.

So now the exiles are free to ay -- we won -- we showed Castro, we can now let him return to his father knowing that he cannot leave the country right away. There WILL be due process.

Will anybody be heroic enough to stand up and say that? To stand up and say that instad of surrounded the boy like a caged exhibit, we will now encourage the fasmily to reunite him with his father her IN America, knowing he CANNOT be taken back to Cuba.

Not likely. Because we have an indication that a totalitarian mindset is developing.

Tuesday night a man holding a sign that said "Send Elian Home" had to be taken away by police for his own protection after a crowd of more than 100 people started pushing and shoving him.

A second man was also escorted away after yelling ``The child should go back to his father."

Cuban-American leaders called the man a pro-Castro instigator.

But instigator or not, he was expressing a point of view held by many non-instigators. We now know that ELian is not being protected but surrounded by people who, if he were to suddenly change his mind wouldn't let him out. Who would claim he was brainwashed.

Eventually, these people will have to be surrounded by the police and arrested, just like any protestor who blocks a street and refuses to leave.

The video tape was accepted as his plea for asylum.

One demonstrator said "Come and get your son and no one will hurt you."

The court ruled that there was a substantial cas e-- enough for an injunction, not necessarily enough for a permanant ruling.

It also pointed out that because the INS had not moved before now, the INS itself was as much as saying there is no emergency.

The court is not saying that it's RIGHT, only that it's ALLOWED by law. Congress, in its wisdom, has said that anyone who makes it to this country regardless of age, may apply for asylum, and get a hearing.

That indeed the INS itself has guidelines for questioning children who seek asylum.

The kid applied or asylum, and if the INS felt the application was incomplete, it should have returned it for completion.

Miami-AP) -- A new twist in the Elian Gonzalez case -- the boy's Miami relatives say they're ready to bring the child to see his father.
Family attorney Linda Osberg-Braun says the relatives are willing to take Elian anywhere in the United States -- for a reunion with his dad.
Speaking on A-B-C's ``Nightline'' last night, Osberg-Braun said the Miami relatives want to meet immediately.
She says Elian's great-uncle, Lazaro (LAZ'-uh-roh), decided to make the offer after being assured by yesterday's court ruling in Atlanta.
The federal appeals court said the Cuban boy must stay in the U-S, while the court considers an asylum hearing for him.
Elian's father, Juan Miguel Gonzalez, has been waiting in the Washington D-C area for a reunion with his son. It's not clear if the latest offer means the boy would stay with his dad during the court battle.
(Washington-AP) -- There's a new option for resolving the custody dispute over Elian Gonzalez: mediation.
A federal appeals panel in Atlanta yesterday ruled the boy should stay in the United States while it considers an appeal by his Miami relatives.
The judges left open the possibility of reuniting Elian with his father. But they also offered their mediators to seek common ground between the government and Elian's Miami relatives.
That option may appeal to Attorney General Janet Reno who has signaled her willingness to use force but only as a last resort. Reno says the Justice Department will comply with the court's ruling. But she also says the order does not prevent her from returning the six-year-old boy to his father.The crowd around the Miami home where Elian is staying grew to about 600 after the ruling came down. The head of a Cuban exile group hoisted a bottle of champagne. Another man called the decision a new defeat for Fidel Castro.
Not everyone was happy with the ruling. A plane flew over Miami's Little Havana trailing a banner reading ``Send Elian home -- the taxpayers.''
The boy's father, Juan Miguel Gonzalez, flew to Washington on April 6
and has been waiting to meet his son and take him back to Cuba. The
government has said he is willing to wait in the United States for the
asylum issue to be settled -- if he has custody of Elian. 

Outside the home Tuesday night, Rose Roque was tired after a long day
at work. But the fiftysomething secretary said: ``I have to be here.'' 

Not far away, Orlando Garcia was finishing up a day of selling small
Cuban and American flags. He figured he had sold 20 or 30 of the little
banners at $5 apiece -- a so-so day. 

``It has to end soon,'' Garcia said of the custody dispute. ``By next
week, it will be over. It has to be.'' 
Index 

CBS MIRANDA
Moved: 4/20/2000 7:48
CBS-MIRANDA 4/20/2000

You have the right to tell us exactly what we want to hear! This is DR....

The Supreme Court is going to reconsider its 1966 Miranda ruling -- the ruling which requires police to read a suspect his rights before questioning him, and which informed him he has the right to remain silent the right to an attorney, and further warns him that anything he says can and will be used against him...

To some law and order types this has always seemed like an unnecessary gift to the criminal element. Like forcing the police to wear earplugs in the interrogation room.

But hang on just a second here! The issue is not whether a suspect actually HAS the right to remain silent. He does. That right is in the Constitution. The issue is whether suspects should be TOLD they have the right to remain silent.

Now I don't know how the court will decide this case. the justices seemed divided during the oral arguments yesterday. But if they overturn the Miranda rule, then we ought to go the next step.

We need to be HONEST about this as a nation. If we DON'T like the idea of telling suspects they have the right to remain silent, let's just amend the constitution, and remove the right itself! Then warnings become moot. Remove the right to an attorney, too, if you want to.

You'll certainly convict a lot more people -- and MOST of them will be guilty ... probably.

But overturning the Miranda rule might have one BENEFICIAL effect. It would mean that even students contemplating a life of crime would do well to pay close attention in their civics classes.

Because remember -- the only rights you REALLY have -- are the rights you're aware of.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS OKLAHOMA 2
Moved: 4/19/2000 9:01
CBS-OKLAHOMA-2 4/19/2000

Empty chairs. This is DR...

You could not watch today's ceremony in Oklahoma City without blinking back tears -- 
especially during the reading of the names.

168 empty chairs -- to remind us that these were people who died not because they were fighting on a battlefield, but because they showed up to work. Or to conduct some business -- or in the case of the 19 child-size chairs, to spend the morning playing until mom and dad picked them up.

They died because they worked for the government, and because one man, and a few of his buddies had decided that the government was evil.

To him they were targets. But of course, they were actually men and women who happened to work for agencies with names like: The Oklahoma Water resources Board, The Job Corps, The Social Security Administration, The United States Secret Service, The Drug Enforcement Administration, The United States Department of Agriculture, the US Army Recruiting Command, The Federal Highway Administration, The Marine Corps.

-- Government agencies all, and all with one very important thing in common: any time a sufficient number of the American people decide their function is no longer necessary or ought to be changed -- there is a political mechanism for accomplishing that peacefully.

The inscription on the memorial reads: "We come here to remember those who were killed, those who survived and those changed forever. May all who leave here know the impact of violence...."

Anyone who thinks government by the people is is a bad idea, look to Oklahoma City, and consider the alternative.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS OKLAHOMA CITY
Moved: 4/19/2000 9:01
CBS-OKLAHOMA CITY 4/19/2000

Day of remembrance. This DR...

Today, the people of Oklahoma City dedicate a National Memorial to the 168 people killed when a truck bomb destroyed the Murrah Federal Building.

Five years ago -- 9:03 a.m.

This is a day to remember what happened. But this is also a day to remember what DIDN'T happen.

Because Timothy McVeigh had militia ties -- militia groups were worried that the FBI would use the bombing as an excuse to round them up. Well, there were hearings, but there was no roundup. If anything, some militias rounded themselves up -- chastened by what had happened.

The president talked about loud and angry voices spreading hate on the airwaves prompting talk show hosts to worry about censorship -- but there was no censorship, and it was the President himself who went on to be impeached.

And nobody went and rounded up the guns -- indeed we know all too well that America is still a place where even the youngest child has easy access to working, non-child proof firearms.

Bomb-making directions are STILL for sale -- not on underground web sites but on Amazon dot com. And yet we have not seen a spate of terrorists setting off fertilizer bombs.

Five years ago, we wondered what was happening in America? Was Timothy McVeigh just the first of an army of angry revolutionaries who would bring terrorism to the heartland.

Five years later, we know the answer. There are still those voices of hate, offering us the tools of destruction. But the good news about us as a nation is that except for a very few -- we REFUSE to listen to their message, and we refuse to use their tools.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GAY PEOPLE
Moved: 4/18/2000 7:17
CBS-GAY MILITARY 4/18/2000

Don't ask, don't tell, don't learn. This is DR...

Despite the military's Don't Ask Don't Tell policy, a Pentagon study has found harassment of gays in uniform is still problem throughout the armed services.

But the Secretary of the Navy has made it clear he doesn't want to see dramatic changes.

Navy Secretary Richard Danzig told an audience at the U-S Naval Academy last night that the military should not be used as a testing ground for gay-rights issues. The military should follow the consensus of society, he says, and society has yet to reach a consensus on gays in the service.

Of course, what we on the outside believe about what will work in the military is pretty much shaped by what people like Secretary Danzig TELL us will work in the military.

But could it be the military has an obligation to peek over the wall at the outside world once in a while?

They might notice that gay people can adopt, most states have gotten rid of their sodomy laws, some churches have openly gay ministers, many cities hold gay pride parades...

And as for the issue of sexual attraction -- well, now that you've got WOMEN on the ships -- that's mainly a problem for the straight soldiers. At least when gay people fall in love they can fight the next day. When straight people fall in love, women get pregnant.

So we're left to conclude that the only people who find gayness controversial enough to disrupt the military -- are the ones doing the disrupting.

Which means the military's official policy is apparently to cater to the most thuggish members of its ranks. Well, we DO hire them to be tough after all. I just hope they'll find the time to fight the enemy between witchhunts.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ELIAN
Moved: 4/18/2000 7:17
CBS-ELIAN HOUSE 4/18/2000

Now he's got a mansion! This is DR...

Remember how Elian's Miami family keeps saying that when he goes back to Cuba he won't live NEARLY as well as he has in Miami? Castro's taken care of THAT argument. Cuban TV has released pictures of the home that awaits him when he returns.

Not some little crackerbox -- this is a VILLA. Swimming pool, a playroom full of toys, and classrooms. Club Med with blackboards.

It belongs to the Young Communist League, and it's been remodeled for Elian, his family, his classmates, and, of course psychologists. 

Indeed it looks like psychologists will surround Elian wherever he goes. The latest to comment is Dr Irwin Redlener, President of the Children's Health Fund, who says Elian's finger-wagging "I won't go to Cuba" video was the last straw. It prompted him to write a letter in which he concludes that the Miami relatives are committing psychological abuse, that the boy is clearly suffering from "parental alienation" syndrome, and that he looked like a hostage on the videotape.

The Justice Department released his letter apparently to lay the moral groundwork for the seizure that's beginning to look inevitable.

Meantime, back in Miami, the standoff has come to resemble a zoo, not just metaphorically, but literally -- as each day Elian frolics nervously behind a fence while visitors hope for a glimpse. All that's missing is the caption: "Homo Sapiens, Age 6, native habitat, Cuba."

There he is: stuck between the Young Communists on one side, and the Old Capitalists on the other, each with their own psychologists.

When he finally rejoins his dad, I hope they fool everyone and flee to Switzerland.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross... 
Index 

CBS STOCK MARKET
Moved: 4/17/2000 7:24
CBS-STOCKS 4/17/2000

Could you too be ill? This is DR...

I didn't even realize what I was doing. I was with my family on vacation in Paris last week, we were at a picturesque restaurant with live fish swimming under a glass floor, but dessert was taking a little too long to come. So I excused myself from the table and went -- not to complain -- but outside to a phone booth where I took out my phone card and called my broker in the US. Because I'd seen the headlines about the stock market.

At first she didn't believe I was calling from Paris -- but I explained to her, yes I was, I'd heard about the market -- and it was only after I hung up that I realized what I had done. I had actually left my family in a restaurant, during a vacation, to place a call 5000 miles away to a broker!

I was succumbing to Wall Street disease.

You may have it too. Do you surf for a cable channel that keeps the moving numbers along the bottom of the screen even during the commercials.

Do you actually try to understand the codes in the business section? 

And worst of all, do you actually believe that the monthly statement from the broker represents real money?

Aha! We must resist this, people! We must tell ourselves again and again that stocks aren't money!

Like they say -- you don't LOSE money until you sell, but you also don't MAKE money until you sell.

It's like equating the job offer with the job. It doesn't count unless you take it.

We must REMIND OURSELVES -- despite the relentless marketing of the securities industry -- that there is only one way to be a happy investor. And that is -- to sit patiently and wait for dessert.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PIG PET
Moved: 4/7/2000 13:15
PIGPET.CBS 4/06/00 7:06 PM-DLR

The tale of Tiny Boo. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

From Deming New Mexico comes the sad story of Tiny Boo, the pot bellied 
pig.

Tiny Boo was 50 pounds, and was so well trained he thought he was a dog, 
according to Sadie Emerson, his owner. He could give and receive kisses, 
had the run of the house, even wore a harness.

But Tiny Boo turned up missing March 14th, sending Sadie and her three 
year old son on an intensive Pig Hunt throughout the neighborhood - a 
pig hunt which ended when they came upon a group of people having a 
barbecue near a mobile home. A barbecue at which Tiny Boo, all fifty 
pounds of him, had been made the involuntary guest of honor.

No amount of barbecue sauce could cover up what had occurred.

Sadie called the Sheriff who determined that the owner of the mobile 
home, one Robert Bertola, had found the pig and shot it. Self-defense, 
he said - it tried to attack him so he got his rifle.

Not unheard of - pot-bellied pigs are known to become aggressive when 
they're hungry or bored.

But Sadie is pressing charges anyway and Mr. Bertola will be in court 
next week on a charge of cruelty to animals.

Was it animal cruelty? Or do pet owners accept a certain risk when they 
adopt, as a pet, something that most people think of as food. In 
America, it is relatively safe to name a dog, or a cat, or a horse; but 
it is always risk to name a cow, or a chicken or a pig.

Cruelty presupposes Mr. Bertola he knew the pig was a pet.

But suppose that instead of a pet, all he saw was free food?

In an imperfect world, such as this is / There's a line that a pig must 
not cross

One moment, he's smothered in kisses /And the next in a barbecue 
sauce. 

Now this. 

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS JUAN
Moved: 4/7/2000 8:01
CBS-JUAN 4/7/2000

Law abiding people. This is DR...

Now at this point -- it should be open and shut. Elian's Dad's here, and he wants his kid!

Yet the neighbors still don't want him to have his kid. So what are we to say about them? It's tempting to say that they are scofflaws, and that's what has the Mayor of Miami, Joe Carollo, upset -- the implication that his constituents have no respect for law; the implication that their approach to keeping Elian away from his dad is somehow wrong.

You've probably heard the latest reasons -- there are dark hints that he is NOT a good father. There are hints that he is changed -- that he didn't look like himself at the airport; that he looked programmed; that he may even be crazy because he hadn't defected yet -- even though he could at any time just by saying the words.

At this distance it sounds like so much excuse-making. But there is something you could do so that these people do NOT look like scofflaws:

Change the law. 

The state of Florida could legalize kidnapping -- as long as it wasn't for ransom. 

You don't want crooks going around taking kids -- but if upstanding citizens want to take kids for the KIDS' own good? Why not!

The other problem is Juan Gonzalez himself. He is a big problem because it appears he actually IS going to go home even after being in America. Congress could change the immigration law to say that anyone who comes here from Cuba is legally prohibited from leaving no matter WHAT he wants to do.

And then NO one would call the members of the human chain scofflaws -- on the contrary, they could be deputized!

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS CANDY BAR
Moved: 4/7/2000 8:01
CBS-CANDY-BAR 4/7/2000

More crime and punishment. This is DR...

Taken alone, what 29 year old Kenneth Payne did last December in Tyler Texas doesn't seem very serious.

What he did was go into a grocery store, take a King Size Snickers bar and put it down the front of his pants. And he didn't even do it very well. The owner took one look and realized since Payne obviously wasn't happy to see him, it must have been a King Size Snickers bar.

The grocer demand the candy back -- although I hope it wasn't returned to the shelves.

In any case, that was only the beginning of the bad news for Kenneth Payne -- because he was already on parole for felony theft, and indeed sported a list of ten convictions including criminal mischief, assault, possession of a controlled substance, and stealing a bag of Oreos.

Now typically, lifting a candy bar -- even a King Size candy bar -- is a misdemeanor punishable by a fine.

But the Smith County DA decided to make an example of Mr. Payne and prosecuted him as an habitual offender. He was convicted, and the jury recommended that he go to jail for 16 years.

Critics think this is law and order run amok -- one law professor pointed out that spending $14,000 a year to keep him in prison is ridiculous. It would be cheaper just to give him a lifetime supply of snack foods.

But aren't we forgetting something here? What about the CANDY bar. Perhaps this man was the victim of a relentless marketing campaign that created an irrational craving for Snickers. Perhaps he was hooked as a child. In any case, any candy bar so tempting that a person would risk jail time for it ought to be a controlled substance, don't you think? 

Same for Oreos.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ELIAN8
Moved: 4/6/2000 7:18
CBS-ELIAN8 4/6/2000

Now what's the excuse? This is DR...

Vice President Gore said (QUOTE) "If the father says on free soil that he believes the son should go back to Cuba with him, that, of course, is likely to be determinative and WILL be determinative."

Determinative means something that determines, as in, a matter that is settled, once and for all.

So what the vice president was saying is that if the father says the son should go back, it is settled once and for all.

This morning, Elian's father stood on the ground at Dulles Airport, and said, "I am truly impatient to have him returned to me as soon as possible and go back to Cuba together immediately."

That would seem to fulfill the conditions.

So -- can we think up some other excuse why his father can't have him? That Elian has said on TV, he doesn't want to go back. 

Well as I recall, I used to spend two weeks each summer with grandma and grandpa in the Bronx. Grandma took me on subway rides, to the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, Radio City, and when my parents showed up to take me back to the boring sterile suburbs, I didn't want to go. 

Alas there was no human chain -- the neighbors let my parents just up and take me home.

Then the other excuse -- that Juan Miguel Gonzalez has been programmed by Castro. That his airport statement sounded canned.

Well, I'm sure the INS will check for a battery compartment in his back, but if it turns out there isn't one, then we'll have to conclude that even if he's a commie, he's also a human being.

And the protestors will have to decide whether the way to point out the evils of communism is to stand on a street in America, beacon of democracy, and use brute force to keep a father from his son.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NO JOKES
Moved: 4/6/2000 7:18
CBS-NO JOKES 4/6/2000

"No jokes" becomes "no games." This is DR...

For those of you who are new to our country, here in America we are now living under the "No Jokes" rule. We treat our neighborhoods and our schools especially like the airport checkpoint. Any mention or any hint that we may be the type to use a gun and we'll be taken away.

You may have noticed the pictures of little Elian pointing a toy gun at the cameras and think that you can get away with it too -- but remember, he's in Miami where the laws are different depending which side of the human chain you're on.

In SAYREVILLE, N.J. there are no human chains, and therefore when four kindergartners were caught March 15th playing an unapproved game during recess, they were suspended.

According to the Home News Tribune of East Brunswick, the children at the Wilson School were on the playground apparently pointing their fingers at each other and pretending to shoot. But this was not just a simple game of cops and robbers. One of the five year olds apparently was intent on out gunning the others and said "Boom, I have a bazooka, and I want to shoot you." A child overheard this and reported it to a teacher, the teacher told the Principal, and the principal suspended the students.

Now if I had threatened to shoot someone with a "bazooka" back when I was in Kindergarten the principal would have been thinking, well, how much harm can a little bubble gum do?

But today we all have to keep in mind that in the name of freedom, we live in a nation where nobody can force anyone to lock up weapons, and where a five year old who says he wants to shoot you with a bazooka -- probably could get his hands on something pretty close.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CENSUS1
Moved: 4/5/2000 7:34
CENSUS.CBS 04/04/00 5:07 PM-DLR 1:08

Stand up and REFUSE to be counted. This is DR...

The official census deadline has passed, and the numbers are not good.
Only 55% of the census forms mailed out have been returned.
The lowest response rate is the State of Mississippi -- 47%.

Census director Kenneth Prewitt says this is "not a good indicator of civic responsibility". But a cynical America no longer believes in "civic responsibility"
many Americans -- especially Mississippians, apparently, are sending a clear message: how many bathrooms we have is OUR business.

And you know what? It's time to give the people what they want!

Based on the low return rates, the people in the South and the Southwest have made it clear that they want nothing to do with the census. Now, the census bureau plans to respond by sending workers door-to-door to collect the information -- but that's only going to make it worse. "Hi, I'm from the government and I need to know how many bathrooms you have." What a waste of money.

Take the hint! These people are no fools. They know the REAL reason the government wants a bathroom count -- so that when the Pentagon needs toilet seats it can just confiscate them. Save $600 a pop. 

What the census bureau needs to do is set a deadline, and MEAN it. I suggest midnight tonight.

Set the deadline at midnight, and anybody whose census form isn't in by midnight doesn't get counted. That's it. No penalty. We just take your address off the list.

Mississippi may end up losing its congressional seats -- but they will by gosh hang on to their toilet seats.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS JUAN MIGUEL
Moved: 4/5/2000 7:32
CBS-JUAN MIGUEL 4/5/2000

Coming to America. This is DR...

Juan Gonzalez' lawyer is in Cuba, negotiating whether he will come to America to be reunited with his son, and maybe even take him home.

His Miami relatives say they will obey the law. But it doesn't matter what anybody in the family thinks anymore. Surely you saw the pictures yesterday -- the police stood by as protestors broke through the barricades to surround the house yesterday when they thought the INS was about to take Elian away, and they will maintain a vigil to make sure the boy stays right where he is.

So the boy really ISN'T controlled by the family anymore, he's under the control of self-appointed protestors outside his home. 

They control the politicians, too. And as long as nobody in the neighborhood objects -- and who would dare -- it really doesn't matter what judges and lawyers and those other paper-pushers say -- Elian will stay.

Even if the Miami relatives were to change their minds and decide that Elian ought to go home, they wouldn't dare say so -- no one would ever speak to them again.

So the protestors run the show -- and they are now saying that the ideal solution would be for Elian's father to come to America and defect. Hmmm. Well then, there's only one thing to do. When the father gets here -- kidnap him. Surround him with a human chain for his own good. 

Sure he may SAY he wants to go back, but how can he mean it? And even if he DOES mean it, he means it because he's been brainwashed. He needs to be kidnapped and taken to the Free Republic of Miami because by golly, people have a right to be free whether they want to or not.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CENSUS1
Moved: 4/5/2000 7:32
CENSUS.CBS 04/04/00 5:07 PM-DLR 1:08

Stand up and REFUSE to be counted. This is DR...

The official census deadline has passed, and the numbers are not good.
Only 55% of the census forms mailed out have been returned.
The lowest response rate is the State of Mississippi -- 47%.

Census director Kenneth Prewitt says this is "not a good indicator of civic responsibility". But a cynical America no longer believes in "civic responsibility"
many Americans -- especially Mississippians, apparently, are sending a clear message: how many bathrooms we have is OUR business.

And you know what? It's time to give the people what they want!

Based on the low return rates, the people in the South and the Southwest have made it clear that they want nothing to do with the census. Now, the census bureau plans to respond by sending workers door-to-door to collect the information -- but that's only going to make it worse. "Hi, I'm from the government and I need to know how many bathrooms you have." What a waste of money.

Take the hint! These people are no fools. They know the REAL reason the government wants a bathroom count -- so that when the Pentagon needs toilet seats it can just confiscate them. Save $600 a pop. 

What the census bureau needs to do is set a deadline, and MEAN it. I suggest midnight tonight.

Set the deadline at midnight, and anybody whose census form isn't in by midnight doesn't get counted. That's it. No penalty. We just take your address off the list.

And if Mississippi ends up with only one congressional seat -- so be it. AT least they'll hang on to their toilet seats.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS MICROSOFT 1
Moved: 4/5/2000 7:32
CBS-MICROSOFT 4/4/2000

Surrender Bill! This is DR...

The judge has found Microsoft in violation of anti-trust law. Next comes the penalty phase. Bill Gates has been impeached, now the judge must decide whether to remove him from office.

Apologize, Bill! Quit denying everything -- you know what happens to Bills who try to stonewall. America wants to see its richest man humbled. On your knees Mr. Billionaire! Say how sorry you are for beating up on those helpless CEOs -- thereby dooming them to remain multi-millionaires instead of becoming the multi-MULTI-millionaires they deserved to become.

Apologize for giving away your software! How DARE you give away software! Especially when your motives were not pure! If we consumers had known your motives were not pure, we would have INSISTED on paying for it. But you refused to give us that chance! We wanted to pay!

But we'll be all right now. We the consumers of America now have the judge on our side who has opened the door to more competition and a wider choice of software. Just to cover all our bases here, your Honor -- could you issue an order ordering those other companies to start writing that software? And Your Honor, could you also include a provision that these new non-Microsoft operating systems NOT screw up our lives?

And put in there a clause saying they have to run all our old software and read all our old data. Plus, we want them to work with any website, download audio and video, and de-worm the dog.

And when you're done ordering that, there's a few court orders I want you to issue covering a used car I bought.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CENSUS
Moved: 4/4/2000 5:56
CBS-CENSUS 4/3/2000

Go ahead -- leave it blank! This is DR...

A nation mistrustful of its government has suddenly discovered that the questions asked by the census are kind of personal -- questions about number of bathrooms, and income, and YIKES! Race! -- and so people are not filling out the forms.

So intrusive is the long form that George W. Bush says even HE would think about skipping it. Probably didn't like the question that asks "What were you doing in the 70s?"

Mr Bush didn't explicitly advise people not to complete the form, but said (QUOTE) "If they're worried about the government intruding into their personal lives, they ought to think about it."

The Democrats are all upset about this -- they say the Republicans are trying to sabotage the head count.

But why should the DEMOCRATS be upset? Think about this, guys. Which people are most likely to think the census forms are intrusive? Which people are most likely to take George W's advice and not fill them out? 

Conservative Republicans!

SO what this means is that it's the conservative Republicans who won't be counted.

And if people don't want government help, why force it on them? For example, according to some reports, veterans think that the "are you a veteran?" question is intrusive -- so they will leave it blank. Well, then suddenly the nation will have less veterans, and less need for veterans hospitals.

Meantime, liberals, poor people, and anybody else who WANTS government programs will HAPPILY fill them out, their numbers will be inflated, and the final count will show a greater need for these social programs.

Why should the Democrats complain? This is their lucky day!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MICROSOFT
Moved: 4/4/2000 5:56
CBS-MICROSOFT 4/3/2000

Is it the end of Microsoft as know it? This is DR...

A nation of computer users anxiously awaits the answer.

And as we wait -- we remember the last time a court took on a giant monopoly. You 20-somethings are too young -- but we boomers remember. We remember when there was ONE phone bill that covered EVERYTHING. One piece of paper, one balance due.

We remember when SEVEN NUMBERS put you in touch with anyone you needed to call -- ten numbers maximum. We remember when you could call long distance without dialing 10-10-E-I-E-I-O.

When you could call information and actually get information.

Now the phone bill comes in chapters, everybody's number is 17 digits, and the person you want is always in a meeting anyway -- the one thing technology can't do anything about.

So the 19 state attorneys general had to get tough to make sure Microsoft changes its ways -- for OUR benefit, of course, because we deserve choices.

Well, yes, we all like to have choices, but this much we know: if the software has that little Windows logo on it, it will probably work.

Now there's no doubt the 19 state attorneys general who are pushing this case know a lot about anti-trust law. But what we who sit at the keyboards of America want to know is -- do they know ANYTHING about computers?

Do they load their own software, or do they get some deputy assistant temporary attorney general to do it? When the computer crashes, are THEY the ones who have to call the support line, or do they get some intern to do it?

Because these people are basically holding our data in their hands, and for all we know, they can't even rearrange their own icons!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ELIAN
Moved: 3/31/2000 10:32
CBS-ELIAN-VICE-PRESIDENT 3/31/2000

Miami Vice. This is DR...

Vice president Gore has now changed his mind -- perhaps we should say, "updated his position."

He will now support a special law that would allow Elián Gonzalez to stay in the United States while his case is decided in family court.

And if the family court decides that Elian belongs with his father, THEN the vice president will support his return to Cuba. So-- that should calm everybody down, the pressure will be off, the demonstrators can go home. He's doing this not for Florida's electoral votes, but as a matter of principle.

He knows this will be handled calmly by the family court system, and when the family court judge hears the evidence that Juan Gonzalez was a loving father, and that he and his ex-wife actually lived together, and both of them saw the boy every day, he will rule that Elian must be returned, just as would happen in a normal case, and the local politicians, even after defying the federal government, and the Miami relatives, will cheerfully change their minds, jump in their cars, and obediently drive him to the airport.

Right!

If the unlucky family court judge who gets this case issues any kind of court order, it will be a court order sending that kid to Disney World. 

And so here we are, with both Al Gore and George W Bush running for the job of the nation's top law enforcement officer, saying the law needn't be enforced as long as there are enough people who don't want it enforced. 

Everybody seems surprised that the vice president changed his mind -- but it's not surprising, really. Who better than Vice president Gore to recognize that as of now in Miami, there is no controlling legal authority?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NUDE
Moved: 3/31/2000 10:32
CBS-NUDE 3/30/2000

Too much eye candy. This is DR... 

The case concerned Kandy's Dinner Theatre in Erie Pennsylvania.

The US Supreme court ruled 6-3 this week that Kandy's must obey a city ordinance requiring that its strippers not be entirely nude. The court determined that our founding founders wanted Erie Pennsylvania to have the power to require pasties and a G-string -- on the grounds that it can help control crime, which overrides any need dancers may have to reveal the surface details of their genitalia.

As for the effect on free speech, Justice O'Connor pointed out in her opinion that the pasties leave (QUOTE) "ample capacity to convey the dancer's erotic message."

Therefore, to require pasties is perfectly constitutional. The founding fathers clearly understood, as they were hammering out the Constitution in that very state, that if pasties and G-strings are outlawed, only outlaws would cover their genitalia. 
So America's cities are finally free to bring some measure of decency to exotic dancing. Although it's never easy. We will need more trained vice officers to make absolutely sure that the pasties are firmly affixed, we will need random pastie testing...

However as with any other law, the key to successful enforcement rests with US, the American people. 

Sadly, there are going to be those -- and I am ashamed to say it will be mostly men -- who despite these attempts at municipal modesty are still going to do whatever it takes to imagine what's under the pasties.

-- Thereby wasting the millions that have been spent to bring this case before the court.

So I ask that when you lust, lust responsibly. Lust within the guidelines set out by the Supreme Court.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS STORAGE
Moved: 3/31/2000 10:31
CBS-STORAGE 3/31/2000

Outlaws can rest easy. This is DR...

According to the testimony in the case, the little boy who shot a first-grade classmate in Michigan last month found the gun in an open shoe box.

And now a new survey shows that's not at all unusual.

A survey conducted by UCLA found that one-third of U.S. homes with children have at least one firearm, and nearly half of them keep the weapons unsecured. Forty-three percent of such homes kept one or more guns in an unlocked place and without trigger locks. 

This is being portrayed as a BAD thing -- and I suppose it is for the kids. But let's not be so negative. It is good news for ONE group. Outlaws.

There's been a lot of pressure lately to lock up guns -- and lock them up so well that even Maryland Governor Glendening had trouble unlocking a gun at a press conference the other day. In fact the NRA plans to use the tape in its anti-gun lock ads. (I'm a little surprised by that. I would think any device that keeps politicians from arming themselves is a GOOD thing.)

In any case outlaws have to be a little worried -- because we know they hate to buy guns legally, which means they have to steal them, and if they can't easily steal guns, and if the only guns they steal have stubborn gunlocks, they'd have to threaten us with cigarettes.

But the survey released today indicates it won't come to that.

Because if gun owners with KIDS leave their weapons around, imagine gun owners WITHOUT kids. There is sure to be a steady supply of weapons in shoeboxes, on nightstands, on table tops, in purses so that an outlaw -- can rest assured that the tools of his trade are just one easy burglary away.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PRAYER
Moved: 3/30/2000 10:43
CBS-PRAYER 3/30/2000

Bowing heads before butting heads. This is DR...

The Supreme Court heard arguments Wednesday on whether students can lead a prayer before a football game.

The case comes from Texas -- the Santa Fe Independent School district -- where students would elect one of their own to lead a brief prayer over the PA system asking God to protect the safety of the players.

You might think the case was brought by anti-prayer atheists -- but actually, it was brought by a Mormon. 

According to the court record, plaintiff Jane Doe Number Two was attending her seventh grade Texas History class, when her teacher handed out fliers for a Baptist religious revival. Jane Doe II asked if non-Baptists were invited, prompting the teacher to ask her religion. When she answered Mormon (according to the court documents) the teacher started pointing out the evils of being in a non-Christian cult.

That prompted other students to wonder aloud if it was anything like being in the KKK, upsetting Jane Doe, and her mother.

The teacher later apologized, but after the incident, those little pre-game prayers became a big deal in Jane Doe's eyes -- a way of saying "non-baptists aren't welcome here." She suddenly felt excluded in their own school, and off to court they went.

Objectively speaking, the group prayers that people find so controversial are no worse than the the group cheerleading everyone accepts.

What's a cheer? When everyone yells "de-FENSE!" on cue, what is it? It's a group of people being exhorted to express the same wish at the same time. Cheerleading is basically group prayer. The difference is, there is no attempt to exclude anyone -- it's a religion everyone agrees on in Texas. Football.

Now this.

[Not only is cheerleading a prayer, it is a prayer to the football god, which makes it idolatry.] 
Index 

CBS MIAMI ELIAN
Moved: 3/30/2000 8:15
CBS-MIAMI-ELIAN 3/30/2000

Another deadline passes. This is DR...

Now the federal government says TOMORROW morning is when it could revoke Elian Gonzalez permission to stay in the United States. At which time they will ... lock on his coordinates and beam him to Cuba, I guess -- because it's pretty clear that right now, that six year old is better protected than the President.

Yesterday, protestors showed just what they were prepared to do -- circling the family's neighborhood with a caravan of SUVs, vans, and trucks.

Later, demonstrators filled the streets in the shape of a cross. 

There is no way federal agents can get near that house.

But Fidel Castro would certainly like to see them try, which is no doubt why he announced that Elian's father is free to come to the United States -- along with all his relatives, psychiatric experts, AND Elian's classmates, AND his teachers.

They would all stay in Washington for as long as the court case takes -- PROVIDED the Miami family releases Elian.

But they won't. 

And no one is going to make them. Least of all local officials, who have made it clear that the federal government is on its own. The Mayor of Miami, Joe Carollo, say the Miami Police department is not going to come get him -- not their job.

Alex Penelas, Mayor of Miami-Dade County, said he will not assist in ANY way, and went on to say that he would hold attorney general Reno and President Clinton responsible for any violence.

So what began with a shipwreck is ending with a shipwreck.

Fidel Castro has managed to get Miami to secede from the union.

Poor Elian -- his mother died to bring him to America. But he only got as far as the People's Republic of Miami.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS PRAYER
Moved: 3/30/2000 8:15
CBS-PRAYER 3/30/2000

Bowing heads before butting heads. This is DR...

The Supreme Court heard arguments Wednesday on whether students can lead a prayer before a football game.

The case comes from Texas -- the Santa Fe Independent School district -- where students would elect one of their own to lead a brief prayer over the PA system asking God to protect the safety of the players.

You might think the case was brought by anti-prayer atheists -- but actually, it was brought by a Mormon. 

According to the court record, plaintiff Jane Doe Number Two was attending her seventh grade Texas History class, when her teacher handed out fliers for a Baptist religious revival. Jane Doe II asked if non-Baptists were invited, prompting the teacher to ask her religion. When she answered Mormon (according to the court documents) the teacher started pointing out the evils of being in a non-Christian cult.

That prompted other students to wonder aloud if it was anything like being in the KKK, upsetting Jane Doe, and her mother.

The teacher later apologized, but after the incident, those little pre-game prayers became a big deal in Jane Doe's eyes -- a way of saying "non-baptists aren't welcome here." She suddenly felt excluded in their own school, and off to court they went.

Objectively speaking, the group prayers that people find so controversial are no worse than the the group cheerleading everyone accepts.

What's a cheer? When everyone yells "de-FENSE!" on cue, what is it? It's a group of people being exhorted to express the same wish at the same time. Cheerleading is basically group prayer. The difference is, there is no attempt to exclude anyone -- it's a religion everyone agrees on in Texas. Football.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SWANK
Moved: 3/30/2000 5:53
CBS-SWANK 3/29/2000

Yes appearances CAN be deceiving. This is DR...

On Sunday, Hillary Swank won best actress for her role as Teena Brandon in "Boys Don't Cry" -- the the story of a woman who dressed as a man, and was killed by two men when they discovered her secret.

The movie portrayed Teena as someone who didn't want to conform to society's assigned gender roles -- a symbol of what it is to be yourself, and follow your heart -- as Hillary Swank said in her acceptance speech.

Except one person watching the speech didn't see it that way.

Teena Brandon's mother, JoAnn. She has finally broken the silence she's maintained since the trial of her daughters killers to say the speech AND the movie infuriated her.

The speech, because Swank kept referred to Teena as a "he", and the movie because it left out something.

Teena Brandon's decision to become Brandon Teena wasn't an attempt to follow her heart. It was an attempt to to protect herself.

As a girl, Teena had been sexually molested by a man. The reason she began dressing in men's clothing and dating women was so "no other man could touch her," according to her mother.

And in fact, she didn't intend to keep posing as a man -- she wanted to come back to her old life as Teena Brandon.

JoAnn Brandon is also upset that while the filmmakers stand to get rich, she still owes money for her daughter's funeral.

Director Kimberly Pierce says she has remained faithful to "the emotional truth." Indeed you find a deeper truth by surrendering the truth."

Well, that the film was honored is a tribute to the filmmakers talents. But as happens so often on the in the movies, it appears that the facts WERE harmed in the making of this picture.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ELIAN
Moved: 3/30/2000 5:53
CBS-ELIAN2 3/292000

Imagine being Janet Reno. This is DR...

Yes, imagine being Janet Reno. After a lifetime of tough cases, you finally get an easy one! Open and shut! The law couldn't be clearer. A child who loses his mother but still has a fit father goes back to his father.

You finally get an easy case like that -- and yet you realize there is no way you can enforce that law.

The immigration and Naturalization Service now says if the Miami family of Elian Gonzalez doesn't pledge to hand him over should they lose their court fight, then the government will revoke the boy's temporary permission to stay in the U.S. at 9 a.m. Thursday. 

Meanwhile, ABC -- whose executives first said it would not be appropriate to put it on the air, today decided to broadcast the part of Diane Sawyer's interview with Elian where he says he doesn't want to go back. He doesn't want his father to visit him in Miami (QUOTE) "because he'll take me to Cuba and I don't want to go to Cuba." 

Yesterday ABC said it wouldn't broadcast that part so as not to inflame the custody fight -- but apparently someone finally came to their senses and realized WAIT! We're the media! It's our JOB to inflame!

So in addition to the interview, they also put a psychiatrist on the air saying Elian has now bonded to his Miami cousin.

Poor Janet Reno she has all the government's resources at her disposal. SHe has attorneys. She has federal agents. She can revoke custody. She can issue orders. She can hold press conferences to talk about the law and the sanctity of the family. The only thing she can't do -- is touch that kid.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS IMPLOSION
Moved: 3/27/2000 8:28
CBS-IMPLOSION 3/27/2000

The big Kaboom. This is Dave Ross.

If you've never seen a building implosion, I highly recommend it. The ultimate destructive spectacle -- yet suitable for the whole family.

Sunday morning here in Seattle at 8:32 a.m, Controlled Demolition Incorporated brought down the largest concrete domed stadium in the world, Seattle's Kingdome -- reduced to rubble in 16.8 seconds.

It was one day shy of 24 years old -- although, that's in stadium years -- in team owner years it was older than the dinosaurs. 

Completely unsuited to sports. 

Totally unusable. 

Not ONE club seat.

So it had to go.

It took 9 million dollars and over 4400 pounds of explosives to bring it down, because it was built to withstand major earthquakes and last forever. We kept hearing stories about how difficult a job this would be because it was so well built.

And all for only 67 million dollars. But because it it inhabited that strange mathematical realm known as "sports math", even though it was built for 67 million, taxpayers still owe over 200 million on the pile of rubble that now occupies the site.

That's one of the reasons I wanted to be there -- so I could at least get one extra thrill for my tax money.

Not to worry though -- a brand new 400 million dollar OUTDOOR football stadium is going up in its place -- and THIS time the architect promises to think ahead. It will have lots of bathrooms, lots of suites, lots of club seats, lots of restaurants.

And if they're REALLY smart, they'll also PRE-install the explosives.

24 years from now they'll wish they had.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS OSCARS
Moved: 3/27/2000 8:28
CBS-OSCARS 3/27/2000

Aliens in our own land. This is Dave Ross...

This is a very difficult time of year for some of us. Although we are Americans, and have always been Americans, we have trouble understanding what our fellow Americans are saying. 

Because they all adopt a new language consisting of lines from movies we have never seen. We are the new at-risk group: the victims of cinema illiteracy.

We like to go as a family. But the big movies this year were about suburban dysfunction, trans gender persecution, etc., so we let 'em pass. And it's a handicap.

DO you REALIZE how embarrassing it is when Kevin Spacey says "This is the highlight of my day" and I'M there thinking, well, that was a mildly funny ad lib, while everyone else laughs knowingly because, as I have since found out, his character says this in the shower after experiencing a slightly different type of thrill.

That's why there are people who insist on seeing every single nominee: because they know if they DON'T, they are suddenly aliens in their own country. 

You watch Billy Crystal making all these references, and you KNOW he's funny, and you know EXACTLY when TO laugh -- but you're NOT really sure why.

Who ARE the guys from South Park? Why were they dressed in such bad dresses -- usually when you see guys in dresses they're VERY sexy.

The funniest part of the whole thing for us cinema-illiterates was when Issac Hayes was singing Shaft and got tear-gassed with the fog effect. I thought maybe the LA cops were profiling again.

Anyway, if you haven't already, your assignment is to see American Beauty, Boys Don't Cry, and The Cider House Rules ... otherwise, Everybody's talkin' at you, and you don't hear a word they're sayin.'

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS NAKED DORM DAN
Moved: 3/24/2000 8:36
CBS-NAKED DORM-DAN 3/24/2000

The legend of the Naked Dorm.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

At Wesleyan University, in Middletown, Connecticut there is a residence hall known among students as the Naked Dorm. It's actual name is West College, and it's not a nudist colony or anything...

But back in the sixties the dorm was organized on a communal model because -- well, because it was the sixties -- and even though the commune folded in 1974, some traditions persist. One of them is the clothing-optional philosophy: as in, if you feel like taking your pants off, go ahead.

During an interview with a reporter for the San Francisco Chronicle, one 19 year old male with a diverse selection of decorative hardware began taking off his pants, because, as he explained, there is an exhibitionist facet of his personality which needs expression.

Indeed, those of you in the baby boom might recognize this phenomenon from your own dorm years: the sad reality of college nudity is that -- it's always the guys.

We had one guy in our dorm -- who loved to walk around naked especially when he knew girls were visiting the floor. But even THEY didn't want to look.

As for West College, the dorms reputation does attract the occasional gawker, but so attuned are the students to any sensitivity that if anyone objects to the nudity, the clothes go back on.

The official position of Wesleyan University is that there IS no "naked dorm" and therefore no need to adopt rules banning it. Smarty-pants students would challenge it anyway. Or more likely, smarty no-pants students.

And based on my own experience, just a few weeks in a clothing-optional dorm should make anyone see that for most us, clothes are NOT really optional.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS OHIO GUN
Moved: 3/24/2000 8:36
CBS-OHIO GUN 3/24/2000

Just when you think you know the answer. This is DR...

The latest gun-in-the-classroom story is about a 12 year old boy who worked
crossing guard duty Thursday morning, told the girl with him he wouldn't be back, then walked off to his classroom and pulled a loaded 9 mm pistol.

He told the class to hit the floor. At first they did nothing -- but the second time he ordered them -- they obediently went down on hands and knees, including teacher Dan Kemats.

Another teacher, Linda Robb, alerted to the strange behavior in the next room, opened the door on the floor and asked if it was a drill. Dan Kemats slowly shook his head NO.

She asked the boy if his gun was real. He took clip out and put it back in. But she knew the boy, told him she cared about him, invited him out into the hall, hugged him, and got the gun.

Why did he do it? "My mother's in jail for 30 years on drug charges and I want to be with her" the boy told her.

And how did he get the gun? From a dresser at the home where he lived with his father and stepmother. It was loaded -- BUT -- the family did the right thing. The gun had a trigger lock on it. It's just that the boy knew where the key was.

So now what? Trigger lock LOCKS?

Score one for the NRA -- trigger locks DON'T always work. 

But at least in this case, there are a couple of things that did work: a teachers courage and concern for her student; AND something the student himself that said "you don't really want to do this."

Something that made him hesitate just long enough to think about it.

It's a reminder that conscience is the best trigger lock of all.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS MISSAM 3/23/00 11:35
Moved: 3/24/2000 8:35
CBS-MISSAM 3/23/00 11:35 PM-DLR

Here she is . . what there is of her.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Shocking news from of the pageant world! The contestants are just too skinny.

Nutrition experts now confirm that those strange and wonderful creatures in
tiaras and sashes are, in fact, thinner than the regular people who watch them on TV.

So much thinner they're unhealthy.

At Johns Hopkins University, Director of the Center for Human Nutrition, Doctor Benjamin Caballero, used the height and weight of Miss America contestants to calculate the average body mass index, or BMI, of the average contestant for each of the 78 years the pageant has been held. And, to the surprise of absolutely no one . . the average body mass of the average contestant is now far less than that of the average American.

But instead of telling US to be more like THEM -- the "ideal" -- doctors say it's the other way around. They should be more like us. They should be looking at US in bathing suits.

Because a healthy BMI is between 20 and 25. But Miss America hasn't been in that neighborhood since the 1920s. Modern Miss Americas are down around 18-point-five. Miss America 1986, Susan Akin, was 16-point-9!

Must've looked like there were five "I"s in Mississippi when she walked on stage. THAT's what he pageant needs! Nutrition experts waiting at the end of the runway with calipers, and free ice cream. Although I don't know why they're all hung up on the BMI of Miss America contestants. It's a scholarship pageant, remember, -- we watch it for the interviews.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FAT 3/24/00 12:01 AM 
Moved: 3/24/2000 8:35
CBS-FAT 3/24/00 12:01 AM-DLR

Put the fork down and move away from the plate. This is Dave Ross on the 
CBS Radio Network.

Statistics just released show this nation still has a lot of people who 
waddle - and it's worst in Mississippi, where 22% of the people surveyed 
report physical dimensions that qualify them as obese.

Since people tend to UNDERESTIMATE such things, the number may be 
conservative. What to do?

Dr Michael Jacobsen of the Center for Science in the Public Interest 
knows what ought to be done: make chain restaurants post the number of 
calories on each item, close more downtown areas to cars to force more 
people to become pedestrians ... and tax fat!

People eat out too much, the portions are huge, and the food being 
pushed at them is fatty and sweet. It's a toxic food environment out 
there - every bit as dangerous a cigarettes, and NOBODY has a problem 
taxing them. So maybe, he says, it's time for the government to make 
fatty foods more expensive by slapping a tax on them based on fat 
content.

Well you can imagine the outcry over THAT. People burst into tears at a 
little increase in the price of gas - imagine what $20 cheese burgers 
would do to our fragile psyches.

But if food is really that dangerous, you have to do something. I know! 
Food locks! No refrigerator sold without an adult-proof food lock, right 
there on the handle.

Expand health inspections. After they inspect the kitchen, the guys in 
white coats inspect the customers. They see an overweight person with 
six burritos on their plate, they scrape 'em off and take 'em down to 
the shelter. And no burritos without a background check - that should 
apply to burrito shows as well.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS TRAITORS
Moved: 3/23/2000 8:19
CBS-TRAITORS 3/23/2000

High Treason. This is DR....

The National Rifle Association is now depicting Smith and Wesson as a traitor for signing an agreement with the White House to improve gun safety.

The gundamentalists, owners and dealers, have been phoning and e-mailing the company threatening a boycott.

What Smith and Wesson did was agree to more safety locks, smart guns that can be fired only by the owner and NOT easily fired by a child under six, and to require that every gun purchaser pass a background check, no matter how long it takes.

And because of that Smith and Wesson, in the words of the NRA, has become the "first gun maker to raise the white flag of surrender and duck behind the Clinton-Gore lines..."

Let's try to understand this.

Here we are, law abiding Americans, arming ourselves against the creeps who would break into our homes, right? No problem with that, it's your choice to have a gun or not.

Why do people arm themselves? Because otherwise only the creeps would have guns. Why do so many creeps have guns? Lax enforcement. The NRA's answer is tougher enforcement -- which means BIGGER GOVERNMENT. Which is fine in its place, but a strange stand for a generally conservative group like the NRA, since even LIBERALS don't talk about big government any more.

So Smith & Wesson comes along with a private enterprise solution: fail-safe childproof weapons -- so that an illegal gun would not just be illegal, but USELESS. And yet the NRA opposes it, calling it TREASON!

Remember guys -- treason is NOT when you try to protect the good people. It's when you make it easy to arm the creeps.

I know the issues are complex -- but try to remember what side you're on!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MISSISSIPPI GAY
Moved: 3/23/2000 8:19
CBS-MISSISSIPPI GAY 03/23/2000

Family values by law! This is DR...

In Mississippi, the state house has passed a bill that would make Mississippi the second state in the nation to ban homosexual couples from adopting children. 

Florida is the only other state that does the same thing.

The vote was no contest -- 107-8 -- and the bill now moves to the State Senate. 

It's not that there actually WERE any adoptions in Mississippi involving gay couples; supporters of the bill just wanted to "make a statement for the strong traditional family."

Of course, if you could legislate strong traditional families, there wouldn't be a need to adopt kids would there? Details, details.

Now we're all for traditional families -- but generally the KINDS of kids gay couples end up adopting are the kids that traditional families don't seem to want. 

The older kids. 

The kids whose mother did drugs or drank during pregnancy.

The kids with emotional problems.

So there ought to at least be an amendment on this bill saying that if gay people can't adopt, then the traditional couples who DO must take whatever child they're assigned.

Because for Mississippi to reduce the pool of adoptive parents without making some provision for the kids who will be left out would be cruel, and Mississippi is not a cruel state. 

Actually, as long as they're using legislation to encourage traditional families -- take the direct approach and require that henceforth, by law, all families shall be traditional, and that if you don't HAVE a traditional family, one will be assigned TO you!

I know at least 107 members of the Mississippi House who should be ready to take you in!

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS DONETTES
Moved: 3/23/2000 5:53
CBS-SMOKING-RULING 3/22/2000

The fight for oral real estate. This is DR...

Now that the Supreme Court says tobacco cannot be regulated as a drug, anti-smoking members of Congress promise to move aggressively to revive legislation that would regulate tobacco as a drug.

Their goal -- and it is a noble one -- is to stop kids from smoking before they start.

The only question is: what's left to do, short of sending the surgeon general around to personally slap tape over your child's mouth?

After you put the warnings on the air, the anti-cancer posters in the schools, wave slices of blackened lungs in front of the biology classes, invite emphysema patients as guest speakers, prohibit most of the advertising, and card everyone under 50, what do you do?

You could send the cops to the school to actually enforce the law and ticket smokers -- except the cops hate that because a lot of them smoked as kids, and it just ticks off the parents, who are usually middle class taxpayers, the worst kind of people to tick off.

If you make it illegal like marijuana, then we'll have to send black helicopters to North Carolina to fight pro-tobacco guerillas -- very costly.

So as far as I can tell, there's only one thing left. 

The key is to find something else that kids will want to put in their mouths.

I say -- try to get them hooked on Donettes. A box of Donettes is about $2.50, about the same as a pack of cigarettes, and you literally cannot stop eating them. And I defy even a teenager to find a way to smoke when his mouth is crammed with Donettes.

As for safety, I'm sure enough Donettes will kill you too -- but it's a lot tougher. There's a LITTLE second-hand drool, but that washes out. 

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS MARS REPORT
Moved: 3/23/2000 5:53
CBS-MARS 3/22/2000

Cross your fingers. This is DR...

The BBC is reporting that when the Mars Polar Lander vanished without a trace last December, the only people NOT supervised -- were NASA officials.

NOT surprised, because they KNEW the lander carried a fatal design flaw.

The problem cropped up when the thrusters -- that would slow the spacecraft down -- were being tested during construction. Engineers turned the temperature WAY down to what it's like close to Mars, pressed the fire button. And.... they didn't work.

And the engineers realized they weren't GOING to work unless they were completely re-designed. But re-designs are slow and expensive, and NASA's philosophy at the time was Faster, Cheaper, Better. So an unnamed space official allegedly decided to go for two out of three -- and changed the test conditions, until the engines DID fire. This proved that they would indeed work -- just not on MARS.

And so the Mars Polar Lander was built. Except at that point it was actually the Mars Polar Crasher.

According to the report, SENIOR NASA officials didn't discover the flaw until a few days before it was supposed to land, by which time it was too late. A senior engineer is quoted as saying at the time "let's think some good thoughts and hope for a miracle'." 

Think some good thoughts and hope for a miracle.

Hmm. If this is true, I'd say NASA needs to update their quality control program; "thinking good thoughts and hoping for a miracle" apparently is not very effective with spacecraft.

They need to at least SACRIFICE A GOAT. It's cheap, and sometimes quite effective. 

I mean nothing WRONG with hoping for a miracle -- but when 165 million dollars is at stake -- you need to sacrifice a goat.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. 
Index 

CBS DORISMOND
Moved: 3/21/2000 9:02
CBS-DORISMOND 03/21/2000

Mind your pattern of behavior. This is DR...

The latest police shooting in New York is the case of Patrick Dorismond, an unarmed man shot Thursday after attacking an undercover detective outside a bar.

Dorismond was waiting for a cab when the detectives approached and asked where they could buy marijuana. And he said NO. They kept asking. He got angry. There was a fight. Dorismond allegedly went for the undercover cop's gun, it went off, Dorismond fell dead.

New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani -- just to make the sure the police get an even break here -- points out that Mr Dorismond, the man who was shot, was no angel. 

The police released Dorismond's arrest record:

Three arrests since 1987 on suspicion of robbery, assault, attempted robbery, and criminal possession of a weapon. 

And although he was only actually convicted of disorderly conduct, this shows "A pattern of behavior", said the mayor, that contributed to his death.

I realize the mayor is trying to assure all normal law abiding people that they have nothing to fear from the police.

But is a REGULAR person supposed to act when a couple of strangers -- with guns, as it turns out -- walk up and demand marijuana?

I think I'd would feel better if politicians were willing to admit that shooting an unarmed man who was actually trying to refuse drugs is a MISTAKE.

That is it no sin to be waiting for a cab outside a bar, just as it is no sin to be standing in front of your apartment. 

Because If instead of admitting mistakes, you keep coming up with reasons why those mistakes were OK, you establish a very suspicious "pattern of behavior" .

And that, as we know, is not a healthy thing in New York City.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ELIAN
Moved: 3/21/2000 9:02
CBS-ELIAN 3/21/2000

The experts were right. Now what. This is DR...

A federal judge in Miami has dismissed the lawsuit aimed at keeping Elian Gonzalez in the United States. Didn't even rule against it on the merits. Decided that it didn't even belong in his court.

"Determination whether to grant asylum is a matter within the discretion of the Attorney General" the judge wrote.

Exactly what government lawyers had argued, and what experts predicted would happen.

But this is one of those cases where what SHOULD happen and what WILL happen are two different things. The family will appeal, but even they didn't -- just exactly how would you get the boy? Send a federal Marshall with a piece of paper signed by the judge? Send two federal Marshall? Send a battalion of federal Marshall? Call Jimmy Carter?

Perhaps if his father came. But would that be safe? There is apparently an element in the Cuban American community that doesn't believe in compromise on matters like this.

And Fidel Castro may not want to let him come. This is working too well back home

So more likely what will happen now is ... nothing. Everyone will wait. 

And that may be what the Miami family is counting on -- thanks to a special feature of US law, which applies only to people who arrive from Cuba. Anyone who arrives from Cuba, and who is able to remain on US soil for a full year -- gets resident alien status. And then Janet Reno -- and even their own relatives back home -- can't touch them.

Four months down -- only eight months to go. 

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS JESUS
Moved: 3/20/2000 8:28
CBS-JESUS 03/20/2000

Are we going to fight over THIS again. This is DR....

Dateline -- VATICAN CITY -- a prominent Jesuit insisted his 
remarks that ``the Jews have killed Christ'' were taken out of context 
and he expressed dismay that he was made to sound anti-Semitic. 

Jewish organizations have been outraged at the comments by the Rev. 
Peter Gumpel.

The president of the Canadian Jewish Congress, denounced the remark; Holocaust expert Elie Wiesel expressed amazement and shock, etc.

Of all the things there are to fight about about, I thought the world had put this one to rest.

First of all, we can agree that Jesus was killed. Some historians say it was actually the Romans who wanted him dead, but yes, the New Testament blames the Jews.

However the New Testament also quotes Jesus himself as saying "Forgive them, Father they know not what they do." So even if the Jews DID do it, they've been forgiven at the highest level.

Mistakes happen. Saint Paul tortured Christians, but we don't remember him for that, we remember him for basically inventing Christianity as we know it today. Devout Catholics burned Joan of Arc at the stake, then thought better of it, and made her a saint. Mistakes happen.

The other point is -- let's not forget that after the crucifixion came what? Right! The resurrection. He came back to life. 

And in fact, Christians believe he is alive today. Which means if you harbor any anger toward Jews for killing Jesus, you cannot be a Christian, because that would mean you believe Christ is dead, which you can't believe and still be a Christian.

But like I say, I thought we'd settled all that!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GUN LAWS
Moved: 3/20/2000 8:28
CBS-GUN LAWS 03/20/2000

All those gun laws! This is DR...

22,000 federal laws is what I heard Charlton Heston, President of the NRA, say over the weekend.

22,000 federal gun laws, don't you think that's enough? Just enforce those! I think that was gist of his comments.

And I had a few hours over the weekend so I though I'd try to count them for myself. We can all do that now, thanks to the Internet.

I didn't get very far, because as soon as I started counting I found that the laws regarding firearms were not at all what I expected. I expected restrictions on using your gun, how you have to store it, but a lot of the laws I found were stuff like this: Title 27 Chapter 47 Subpart A, Sec 47.2 - If you import firearms, you
need a license.

Well, if you import ANYTHING you need a license.

Section 47.62: you can't make false statements when you apply for your import license.

Title 15 Chapter 76 Sec 5001, You can't import a toy gun unless it has
a distinctive marking. 

Does all this stuff count toward the 22,000?

Because if they're implying that there are all these laws making it incredibly difficult to own and use a firearm -- it's a little misleading.

I note that the NRA's own web page managed to summarize these 22,000 laws in all of 1120 words.

See -- I think maybe the reason there's 22,000 federal laws governing firearms is because in America, we have 22,000 laws governing just about ANYTHING.

Type the word DRUG into the US code sometime and see what you come up with.

And drugs only kill the people who voluntarily take them.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS BEER 3/16/00 8:08 PM 
Moved: 3/17/2000 8:21
CBS-BEER 3/16/00 8:08 PM-DLR

It's Milk time. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The Got Beer campaign is no more. After objections that it was 
encouraging underage college students to get sloshed on brewskis, PETA, 
the Animal Rights Group, pulled a campaign designed to call attention to 
what it claimed were the cruel consequences of drinking milk - including 
the miserable conditions endured by dairy cows and their offspring.

When I talked this week to the man who came up with the campaign, he 
said he saw nothing wrong with it, and wasn't really sure why Mothers 
Against Drunk Driving objected. The reason PETA chose "Got Beer?" 
instead of "Got Soy" or some other non-dairy beverage was to make the 
point that when you compare fat, cholesterol sodium and even fiber 
content, milk is so unhealthy that even BEER looks better on paper.

But by Thursday, under pressure from MADD, and a new report showing that 
binge drinking is still a problem on college campuses, the animal rights 
folks gave up, and pulled the ad.

This is what we've come to - college kids are apparently so lacking in 
critical thinking skills that the ad is the reality. Some group says 
beer is better than milk and parents worry that even kids who passed the 
SATs believe it.

Well relax, everybody, the ads are gone, no longer will beer be promoted 
as a health food - once the change sinks in, the college students who 
switched from milk to beer will switch back to milk. Some of them will 
take it too far and go on MILK binges now... but that's the way it is in 
college. Everything to excess.

And as for the Animal Rights people - any chastisement they suffered is 
like tempered by the knowledge that the debate they stirred up produced 
more free press than they dared hope for.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS OLD ECONOMY
Moved: 3/17/2000 8:21
CBS-OLD ECONOMY 3/16/2000

Out with the new, in with the old. This is DR...

This was the week the Old Economy came roaring back. The Dow Jones industrials scored its biggest one-day gain ever, while the New Economy tech stocks of the NASDAQ, plunged, then rose.

And investors are left once again to wonder, where can I make more money -- the New Economy, or the Old Economy.

A lot of us were getting worried there because our 401Ks are in the OLD economy. Those companies that hang on to a quaint idea called ... PROFIT.

In the past few years we have all been forced to question whether investing in profit-making companies might be a stupid idea.

But speaking for myself -- I kept those investments. I hung on despite plunging prices. Because as I started trying the products of the New Economy -- like the on-line car-buying sites, the on-line bookstores, the on-line travel sites -- I noticed something remarkable.

That everything I was buying from a company in the New Economy -- was MADE by the old economy. 

There are all sorts of exciting new web sites to help you buy a CAR. But who makes the car? A dull old car company makes the car. 

When you plunge into the New Economy to buy a book on Amazon.com, who makes the book? Some old company like Random House.

When you buy a plane a ticket using the new economy, who provides the service? Who sells the jet fuel? Who makes the plane? All those boring OLD economy companies.

Up or down I cannot predict 
But THIS much I can tell you
If the Old Economy disappears
The New One has nothing to sell you.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS E MAIL IRS
Moved: 3/17/2000 8:21
CBS-E-MAIL 3/17/2000

Taxpayers starting to lose it. This is DR...

It's now less than a month before the tax deadline, taxpayers are assembling their receipts and coming to grips with what they owe -- and this message in my e-mail indicates that some of you are starting to lose it.

This week the Pentagon's Inspector General released an audit of 105 military contracts and uncovered inadequate oversight in 81 of them -- which means taxpayers still pay top dollar for routine parts and services.

And that news item was apparently too much for a listener named Leroy who sent me WHAT PURPORTS to be a copy of a letter he plans to enclose with his tax return.

"Attn: IRS," he writes.

"I think everyone should be able to pay their taxes this way. Enclosed 
is my 1999 tax return & payment.

"Please take note of the attached article from USA Today. In 
the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for 
hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

"[So] Please find enclosed [as my payment] four toilet seats (total value $2400) and six hammers (total value $1029). This brings my total payment to 
$3429.00. Please also note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to 
the "Presidential Election Fund".

"It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year.

Sincerely,

A satisfied taxpayer."

LeRoy -- I know IRS audits are down lately, but I sincerely hope you're kidding me. Because THIS is the kind of thing even an overworked agent would notice.

And the only thing worse than having to pay for those overpriced government parts is to find yourself sitting in a federal institution equipped with them.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS AIRPORT
Moved: 3/17/2000 8:21
CBS-AIRPORT 3/17/2000

Airport in-security. This is DR...

I suppose you've heard the comforting news about airport security.

Security experts told a House panel that because of the crummy pay and benefits, security jobs can turn over as many as four times a year and are considered a stepping stone to a career in fast food preparation.

Our lawmakers are now agonizing about what to do --given that the job of keeping planes from exploding is pretty important. They're thinking of maybe an INCREASE in pay.

I dunno -- pretty rash move. And if you raise the pay for the airport guards, every other security guard is going to want an increase, and I'm not sure America can afford it. Let's remember that in this country, we have security guards just about everywhere -- airports, offices, schools, courthouses.

No, America's security needs have become so great there is only one thing left to try. The buddy system. We all pair up and check EACH OTHER. You frisk me, I frisk you. 

It would be a national bonding experience.

And here's the best part -- unlike the security guard, you have a strong personal interest in doing a thorough job. Because you'll actually be FLYING with the people you frisk!

I'm not saying the security guards don't CARE -- but apparently they spend a lot of mental energy thinking about their next job.

As your security buddy, however, a fellow passenger is not only going to notice your gun, but whether you're muttering to yourself --- like the guy who stormed the cockpit of an Alaska Airlines flight last night after spending the flight muttering to himself. We passengers would notice a mutterer right away.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BROWNE
Moved: 3/16/2000 11:06
CBS-BROWNE 3/16/2000

You want reform? This is DR...

So after that hugely expensive primary process, the Presidential campaign is right back to where it was -- Bush versus Gore. And what will their debates be about?

TAPE: "Who's best qualified to run your life." 
[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>LIBERTARIAN-1
Time: 9s
In-cue: 
Out-cue: run your life] 

Harry Browne is the Libertarian candidate for president -- and he's hoping for a place in the fall debates. Should he get it, he would point out that as a portion of the federal government's 1.8 trillion dollar budget, even George W's tax cut, risky or not, would be barely noticeable. Browne would go way beyond a TAX cut:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>LIBERTARIAN-3
Time: 11s
In-cue: 
Out-cue: first place] 

He figures the essential functions of the federal government, including Congress, the courts, national defense, could be run for about 100 BILLION a year; about six percent of the current budget.

Heck that's a third of what the department of defense currently spends all by itself.

But Harry Browne says what we really have is a department of OFFENSE, that protects OTHER countries instead of our own:

TAPE: "Put up a reward... missile defense"

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>LIBERTARIAN-4
Time: 13s
In-cue: 
Out-cue: missile defense] 

And by stripping government to its skivvies, he could eliminate the federal income tax and replace it ... with nothing!

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>LIBERTARIAN-2
Time: 16s
In-cue: 
Out-cue: best for you]

Oh, THAT would be a debate.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS PATAKI
Moved: 3/16/2000 11:05
Suddenly the question in New York is -- what has happened to Gov George Pataki. In case you missed it, Gov. Pataki, who's been viewed as a friend of the gun lobby, and won the governorship with its support in 1994, has now unveiled a package of gun control proposals.

A turnaround so remarkable that one democratic lawmaker compared it to a religious conversion.

His proposal would require that ever gun sold in NY State be fired, to record the unique markings left on the bullets by each gun: to create a statewide database of ballistic fingerprints, or "gun DNA" as it's being called now. He would also require trigger locks, raise the age for hand gun sales from 18 to 21, require instant background at gun shows; and ban all assault weapons.

Yikes. Remember -- this man is a Republican.

The NRA has already posted an article about this on its website, along with a handy link to its on-line letter-writing assistant, so Governor Pataki can expect a little extra e-mail today.

If you wonder what the NRA could possibly have against keeping a record of bullet markings -- it considers "ballistic fingerprinting" merely a code word for "firearms registration."

So Gov. Pataki is now in big trouble with the NRA. Why'd you do it governor? Have you not read your constitution? If ANYTHING you should be making firearms EASIER to get -- if that's possible, considering how easy it is already. Perhaps federal gun stamps for the poor.

The NRA continues to fight for a world where guns are so easily available that every english paper, every note, every whisper in a school hallway has to be taken serious because in AMerica today, every kid who wants a gun badly enough can get it. 
Index 

CBS MACHINE GUNS
Moved: 3/15/2000 8:28
CBS-MACHINE GUNS 3/15/2000

DO your DUTY. This is DR...

Yesterday, I stood in the auditorium of the federal building in Seattle as federal agents displayed a spectacular haul of weapons. 50,000 rounds of ammo in wooden boxes. Ammo belts. Springs, silencers, gun clips, handguns, rifles, grenade launcher -- and the centerpiece of this spectacular collection: 20 fully automatic machine guns, some dating from World War II.

Every one in working order, and every one as illegal as it gets.

It was what you'd expect to find in a basement in Kosovo. Except this was found in Bothell [Washington, a suburb of Seattle] -- a pleasing little town which still holds its own Fourth of July parade. [ -- Found in a home across the street from the playing fields of St. Brendan's Catholic School.] -- Found ONLY because the gun owner's roommate fell ill and needed an ambulance.

When I asked the federal agent in charge if he'd known about this guy, he said yes. Well, then, why didn't you arrest him sooner? No probable CAUSE to arrest him. What would have given you probable cause? One tip, he said. One tip.

The NRA scolds Bill Clinton for not enforcing the laws we already have.

Well, I haven't talked to Clinton lately, but I did talk to that federal agent, and he would WELCOME your tips. HE'D LOVE to enforce the law.

So I appeal to NRA members; to ALL gundamentalists -- if you know of someone with an unusual number of guns -- CALL. If you hear gossip about the arsenal down the street -- CALL. If you notice someone buying antique machine guns at gun shows -- CALL THE COPS.

Because the NRA ITSELF says it's time to enforce the law -- and CALLING THE COPS is how the law is enforced! It's what Charlton Heston would want you to do.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS FRENCH
Moved: 3/15/2000 8:28
CBS-FRENCH 03/15/2000

French can yet be saved. This is DR...

The New York Times today has an article about the difficulties of preserving the French language in Quebec. There are six million French speaking people in Quebec, 83% of the population, but still a small minority of Canada's overall population.

To preserve the language, the provincial government has passed a series of laws designed to make sure French predominates. 

In public schools -- English children learn French in kindergarten, but French children may not learn English until fourth grade.

There are sign laws, requiring the French words to be twice as large as the English translation.

And yet the demographics are unmistakable. The birthrate in Quebec is among the lowest in North America. And unless Quebec can keep attracting French-speaking immigrants, in two short generations, Quebec will be speaking English.

Well you see the problem -- laws are fine, but they have to be the RIGHT laws. Laws about signs, and schools -- that doesn't work! 

That's not how you save the culture!

The French-speaking people of Quebec must have more sex. And fast. You must have this sex toute suite. 

If people can accept a law that requires all French words to be twice as big as English words, then they CERTAINLY can accept a law that says French couples have to have at least twice as much sex as the English couples. Within marriage, of course.

This is the ONLY legislation that can REALLY save the French language.

And the neat thing is that unlike so much legislation today, it can only be welcomed by the population.

Well, the MEN anyway.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS KIDS LIE
Moved: 3/14/2000 8:21
CBS-KIDS LIE 3/14/2000

On the CBS Radio network, it's time for another edition of: News Read
Real Slow:

This is Dave Ross. News Read Real Slow, the feature for those of you
who feel the reason you're baffled by current events is that we
announcers read too fast.

(Washington-AP) -- Punishment is still being decided for seven suburban Maryland sixth-graders accused of making false statements against a gym teacher.

The six girls and a boy accused teacher Ronald Heller of watching the girls undress and fondling one of them at their school last month. The teacher was suspended as a result.

But it turns out the kids made up the charges to get revenge because Heller had yelled at them in class for bad sportsmanship. 

The students who were described by police as "honor students and good kids," were booked, fingerprinted, and released to their parents.

Let's take that REAL SLOW:

The students were described by police as "honor students and good kids..."

Honor students -- who had to be disciplined for bad sportsmanship. 

Good Kids -- who made up a story about being FONDLED in a locker room, which is the stuff of pornography.

What, exactly, is honorable about bad sportsmanship? And what is GOOD about spreading false stories.

This is TRULY puzzling.

I'll tell you this -- I'd hate meet one of the BAD kids at that school.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GUN WAR
Moved: 3/14/2000 8:21
CBS-GUNS 3/14/2000

Straight shooters. This is DR..

President Clinton and NRA are in another fight. The NRA says Clinton needs a certain level of killing for political purposes, the President says he finds the charge disgusting, the NRA won't back down... blah blah blah. 

Look: never argue with the NRA. They always know more than you do. If they say the President needs a certain level of killing, I'm sure they have the stats to back it up.

They also have the irrefutable argument in the gun debate: guns do not spontaneously leap into people's hands, they do not aim themselves, they do not shoot themselves.

That's why they argue that the problem is not the gun -- its the people -- and the solution is to enforce the laws already on the books.

So let's just do it. Here's one of those laws right from the NRA website:

Federal law Prohibits possession of a handgun or handgun ammunition by a person under age 18, except for hunting or target shooting. Therefore, if you know a gun owner who has kids, and you suspect the guns are stored where the kid might get them -- call the cops.

Federal law also prohibits a dealer from transferring a handgun or ammunition to anyone under 21. So call city hall -- demand the police department stake out gun shops, and follow young-looking customers. Demand they follow anyone who takes a kid to a gun show. This is no big deal -- cops stake out garden stores to catch people who are growing pot in the back yard, and it works! You hardly ever hear of a six year old killing another six year old with a joint.

Maybe its' time to do the same with weapons.

[Add -- police departments are always sending undercover cops to make drug buys. Why? Make undercover weapons buys! Go into a gun owners home on a tip and dust all weapons for a kid's finger prints.]

The NRA would want it that way. And they are never wrong. 

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS WESTPHAL
Moved: 3/13/2000 9:03
CBS-WESTPHAL 3/13/2000

The better to hear you with. This is DR....

Seattle Sonics coach Paul Westphal is in trouble; faces a fine of 100,000 because he -- what would you suppose? Punched out a referee? Drop kicked a photographer? No. Because he refused to be wired for the NBC broadcast of yesterday's game against Toronto. As did Toronto coach Butch Carter. Nobody wants to be the next John Rocker.

But under the new NBA rules, coaches can't refuse to be wired anymore. 

NBC's ratings for its NBA broadcasts have been dropping, so the mikes are now mandatory. Penalty for refusal -- $100,000 or more.

But Westphal resents the whole thing; he says he doesn't feel free to say the things he has to say when every word is being broadcast; so no mike.

I'm trying to think if I, as a TV viewer, would be more likely to watch a game between Seattle and Toronto if I could hear the coaches cussing at the players... Don't think so. Maybe if the NBA wired up drunks in the club seats...

But this shouldn't be too hard to stop. Getting rid of the mikes ought to be pretty easy -- in fact, I bet the coaches could get the NBA to change its policy overnight.

All it would take is for coaches to change their style -- only slightly.

You get the team the together during the time out, and you say -- "You guys are about as bad at the NBC prime time lineup. In fact why would anybody watch this game on NBC, when they could be watching CBS or ABC?? You guys DISGUST me!" 

I predict the mike won't be there the next day.

By the way, the league is planning to put cameras in locker rooms next month. I bet the guys know how they can put the kibosh on that.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS GOT BEER
Moved: 3/13/2000 9:03
CBS-GOT BEER 3/13/2000

The new health drink. This is DR...

According to People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. if you drink milk, you are supporting a product that is horrible for human health, catastrophic for the environment, and a living nightmare for the animals involved.

Dairy cows, they point out, are warehoused, kept constantly pregnant, and then slaughtered when their milking years are over.

So the group has come up with its own ad campaign to counter the dairy industry's "Got Milk" campaign. Instead of "Got Milk" the PETA slogan is "Got Beer?"

To present an alternative to milk.

I would have thought "Got Juice", "Got Water", "Got a Fruit Smoothie with Protein Boosters" but NO!

They chose "Got Beer".

And they've aimed the campaign at college campuses during a week of St Patrick's day celebrations.

The idea of course was to get attention, and that it certainly has -- from Mothers Against Drunk Drivers which thought it was a pretty dumb idea that could encourage underage drinking. MADD points out that 75% of college students are under the legal drinking age of 21.

PETA says it will go ahead with the ads anyway -- pointing out that beer has no fat, beer has no cholesterol, and most important, beer is not cruel to cows.

And actually, what do they care if a kid wraps himself around a tree -- just as long as his pet cow isn't with him at the time.

But we should pause and reflect for a moment -- what is the REAL question here? 

If college students look at an ad that says "Got Beer" and immediately think it's a health food; if they see an ad that says "Got Beer" and put Pabst on their Cheerios -- the real question is "what are they doing in college?"

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TV IN CRISIS DAN
Moved: 3/10/2000 14:09
CBS-TV IN CRISIS 3/9/2000

Television in crisis. This is DR...

There are so many thing in crisis in America it's hard to pick which one is most important; you have education in crisis, public safety in crisis, the Dow Jones in crisis, and now to add to it all -- TV advertising is in crisis.

There are too many ads. Viewers already know that but now it's the ADVERTISERS who are concerned -- concerned that with 17 minutes of ads per hour viewers can't possibly remember which dot-com company is which.

I'm sure there will be many expensive research studies but maybe I can save a little time.

The problem is not the NUMBER of spots, it's the way they're CLUMPED together. 

The human mind has evolved to store an unlimited number of ads. Most of us can still sing cigarette jingles that haven't been on the air in 30 years.

But the commercial BREAKS long ago passed what I call the surfing threshold. Based on lengthy studies of my own viewing behavior, I find that after the second commercial, I begin to suspect that something better might be on. So I change the channel, intending to watch only for as long as I think the commercial break on the other channel will take. But with commercial breaks getting longer and longer, that could be three, four, even FIVE minutes. At which point a phenomenon called "I wonder what show THIS is Syndrome" kicks in, and I never go back.

The answer is for broadcasters simply to do what newspapers do, and adopt a split screen approach -- program on the top half of the screen, and the ads at the bottom.

Or just sell TV's with the corporate logo permanently tattooed on the picture tube.

You're making it too easy for us!

Now this.

This is DR.... 
Index 

CBS MISDEMEANOR
Moved: 3/10/2000 14:09
MISDEMEA.CBS 03/09/00 11:21 PM-DLR 1:19 

On the CBS Radio network, it's time for another edition of: News Read
Real Slow:

This is Dave Ross. News Read Real Slow, the feature for those of you
who feel the reason you're baffled by current events is that we
announcers read too fast.

Dateline ROSEVILLE, Michigan. Police officers came to the home of 
Suzanne Meyers Sunday, slapped the handcuffs onto the 30-year-old mother
of two and carted her off to the station.

It was part of a crackdown on people with outstanding misdemeanor
warrants. Mrs. Meyers crime? She had failed to appear in court on a
charge of possessing alcohol. 14 years ago. When she was 16.

So she was handcuffed in full view of her neighbors. Said the police
chief, ``A warrant's a warrant; the officer had no way of knowing it
happened when she was 16 years old.'' 

A judge threw out the charge. Let's take that Real Slow:

``The officer had no way of knowing it happened when she was 16 years
old.'' 

Hmm. Yet somehow the newspaper, from which I got this story, was able
to find out.

Why would a police department go off and make arrests without knowing
which ones are necessary and which ones are a complete waste of time?

It must be because, in our morally-challenged nation, if you don't make
an example of THIS woman, then every other suburban mother of two who
touched booze illegally 14 years ago will THINK she got away with it! 
And is THAT the kind of depraved country we want to live in? No! Yes,
the news always makes more sense when you read it REAL SLOW. Now this.

~C:\WORKS\FILES\MISDEMEA.CBS 
Index 

CBS COLOMBIA
Moved: 3/10/2000 14:09
COLOMBIA.CBS 03/09/00 7:45 PM-DLR 1:24 

Stop inhaling - before its too late. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio 
Network.

And now, a desperate appeal. If you use cocaine, would you please stop? 
Just stop? If you want a dangerous habit - why not smoke? It's fairly 
enjoyable and almost as deadly. The reason I ask is that the leadership 
of the US congress, in cooperation with the Clinton Administration, is 
ready to go for a $2 billion plan to send 45 helicopters and 
reconnaissance planes so the Colombian army can stamp out the drug 
business once and for all.

Which means thanks to your thanks to your little habit, this country is 
apparently prepared to involve itself in an ugly little war in the South 
American jungles.

The goal is to kill coca plants. But since those coca plants are being 
used by rebels to raise money for their 35 year old civil war, killing 
coca plants will not be seen as a friendly act. They will try to the 
helicopters down. And it turns out they have surface to air missiles.

Which means this two billion payment is probably only the first of many 
two billion dollar payments.

But if you cocaine users would just stop smoking - we might be able to 
save all that money. I used to think that if we could just get farmers 
to stop growing it, eventually, you'd give up and just get drunk like 
normal people. But cutting production in Bolivia and Peru just meant a 
bigger market share for Colombians, because apparently, you coke heads 
won't accept substitutes. Find some wacky mushrooms.

Of course, there could be a bright side - maybe if we help Columbia 
eliminate its coca crop, someday they'll send helicopters into North 
Carolina to help us eliminate our tobacco crop!

Now this.

~C:\WORKS\FILES\COLOMBIA.CBS 
Index 

CBS GAS PRICES
Moved: 3/10/2000 14:09
CBS-GAS PRICES 3/10/2000

And now another edition of: TWO DOLLAR GAS, what will we do?

This is DR...

I haven't heard this much gnashing of teeth since the oil embargo of 1973. For the second week in a row, the papers are full of warnings about two dollar gas -- even though, adjusted for inflation, today's price is almost identical to what drivers paid back in 1972, when gas sold for 36 cents.

I EVEN see actual CONSERVATIVES talking seriously about tapping the MILITARY oil reserves.

Now look. We're not just ANY country here, we're the American people.

We're the people who have been telling government for the last twenty years, CUT the FAT. Make do with less.

And the minute gas goes up ten cents a gallon we start WHINING to the government? Now really, how much of your household budget does the increase in gas prices represent? Five dollars a week? Ten bucks? Fifteen if you drive a land tug?

See one less movie. Cancel tonight's call to the psychic help line.

But please don't ask the government for help. You know why? Because they'll give it to you! And then turn around and tax you for it!

This is all psychological anyway. You notice there is no protest in Europe, even though they pay four and five dollars a gallon for gas? You know why? Because if you go to Europe you realize they're smart about the way they sell it. They don't sell it by the gallon. They sell it by the LITER. SO even though it IS expensive, it doesn't LOOK expensive.

The solution to $2 gasoline is simple. Sell it by the quart. Then all the signs will say 50 cents, and we'll think we're getting a bargain again.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BOB JONES2
Moved: 3/9/2000 9:49
CBS-BOB-JONES2 3/9/2000

Change is in the air. This is DR...

Could this be the age of religious moderation?

Last week Bob Jones University posted a policy statement on its web page to explain its philosophy -- and especially the parts of that philosophy that saw it dragged into the Republican primary campaign: it's alleged distaste for Catholics, and its ban on interracial dating.

It was in response to the rucks raised by George W's speech there. And the statement was unapologetic. The policies, it said, were based in the Bible.

How much can change in a few weeks! 

Now, the dating ban is gone. 

And today the university issued a clarification saying that not only could interracial couples date, they could do so WITHOUT their parents permission, although if it becomes SERIOUS -- as in, the couple is considering marriage -- parental notification is advised. A good idea in ANY case if daddy's paying for the wedding.

But the changes apparently do not stop there.

When I consulted the BJU web site LAST week, it included a statement urging the practicing Catholic to (QUOTE) "leave the false system that has enslaved his soul" (UNQUOTE)

But today, that statement is nowhere to be found. Today on the web site, you find this statement: (QUOTE) "There is a wide gulf between Catholic and Baptist/Protestant beliefs." That's it! 

Between Bob Jones moderation and the Catholic Church itself apologizing for everything ITS members ever did, maybe religious organizations are finally getting on with the work of bringing people together -- instead of giving them theological reasons to hate each other.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ARMING THE KIDS
Moved: 3/9/2000 9:49
CBS-ARMING THE KIDS 3/9/2000

Self-defense. This is DR...

It's an unfortunate fact of modern American life that even elementary school can be a dangerous place. Tragedies like the shooting in Michigan are extremely rare, but still -- it's scary to think that a first grade fight could escalate like that. Protecting your children is a fundamental instinct.

But police in Norwalk Connecticut say Deborah Smith took it too far.

Ms. Smith, age 27, was apparently fed up with the playground bullies who had been taunting her sons. The bullies had been pushing her kids around for the past week, and she wanted it stopped.

So according to the police, she sent her two boys -- ages 5 and 7 -- sent them off to school with a hammer and screwdriver! Put the tools in their backpacks and sent them off to school.

She also called the principal to warn her the kids would be armed -- which is how the tools were found.

Ms. Smith now faces a charge of "risk of injury to a minor" and has a court date next week.

The boys will be suspended for three days.

Can we all just take a deep breath here? In..... Out.....

America has a big enough problem controlling kids with guns; we don't need a new debate over kids with tools.

Because this is how it starts -- a few people misuse a hammer, and pretty soon there's a National Hammer Association lobbying to protect your right to own a hammer, and then a National Hammer Control Association lobbying for legislation to make you lock up your hammer.

Let's not go there people. And it CAN be avoided if enough of us can simply resist the temptation to act like jerks.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CALIFORNIA GAY
Moved: 3/8/2000 11:01
CBS-CALIFORNIA-GAY 3/6/02000

The REST of the ballot. This is DR...

Not only does the State of California hold a primary Tuesday; it also votes on Proposition 22 -- which declares that the only legally valid marriages in the states are marriages between men and women.

There have been court decisions in both Hawaii and Vermont questioning whether gay marriage can legally be forbidden -- so Republican state Sen. Pete Knight came up with Proposition 22 to prevent gay marriages from being recognized in California even if they became legal in another state.

But WHY?

A gay marriage, if it leads to ANYTHING involving children, leads to adoption: as in, providing a home for a child who has none. And before the gay couple can adopt, they're checked out for the necessary parenting skills.

A heterosexual marriage, by contrast, typically leads to the production of children by two people whose only qualification is instinct. And the state doesn't care whether they've been dating for five years or five minutes -- they pay the fee and they get the paper.

And while at first it does seem absurd to apply the word MARRIAGE to two women or two men, I imagine you could think of a number of heterosexual couples whose conduct would also challenge any reasonable definition of the term.

I would also note that it seems strange to get all huffy about gay marriages, when the nationwide broadcast of a heterosexual marriage between two complete strangers, once of whom was allegedly a multimillionaire, was considered completely legal by this very same state.

And there is nothing stopping these two people from going off and creating CHILDREN! I mean -- YIKES!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS OIL
Moved: 3/8/2000 11:01
CBS-OIL 3/2/2000

Open the strategic reserves! This is DR...

Gas prices -- what to do about them. In some parts of the country they're approaching $2 a gallon, and that's a problem. Why? 

Because Chevrolet's Avalanche, a slab-sided vehicle with a paramilitary look, is expected in showrooms next year, and it will have, (QUOTE) "The power and five-seat convenience of a Suburban plus the hauling capacity of a full-size pickup." (QUOTE) 

250 horsepower. 

And a mileage figure that would bring a blush even to a General's cheek.

Some members of Congress want to open the government's strategic petroleum reserves -- but we don't have an unlimited supply.

SO the answer is clear. Open up the strategic reserves -- but ONLY for drivers of SUVs. The people who really need it. Open up the reserves, but only for the truly needy -- people with engines of 250 horsepower or more.

Why SUV owners and not truckers? Because truckers can get re-imbursed, or just park their rigs. But SUV drivers -- what options do they have? They HAVE to drive! (VIOLIN) There are basketball games to drive the kids to, warehouse stores that must be shopped at. Beauty bark that must be hauled. 

When the founding fathers set up that reserve, do you think they wanted it burned up in a bunch of planes and tanks? NO! They wanted it used for the good of the PEOPLE. The PEOPLE of America. Well, the people have spoken with the feet -- or at least their right foot -- and they want POWER. With a capital P, which rhymes with G which stands for GAS. They want it cheap, they want it now, and they want it in QUANTITY.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS KAYLA
Moved: 3/8/2000 11:01
CBS-KAYLA 3/7/2000

America's weapons headache. This is DR...

Veronica McQueen -- mother of Kayla Rolland spoke out today -- talking about the moment she learned that her six year old daughter had been shot by another six year old. 

One baby shot by another baby was the way she put it.

Kayla's mother knew the boy had been picking on her daughter, and she'd TOLD her daughter: if it continues, talk to your teachers, and if they didn't do anything, come to me, and I'LL talk to them. Apparently it never even crossed her mind that the boy would decided to settle it himself with a gun.

But we have to start thinking that way -- don't we? Because as rare as this is, it proves once again that the way guns are designed and stored in America, anyone of any age can get one and use one.

The NRA response, from its official web page, is this:

That Michigan Law:

Prohibits selling any firearm to a minor under 18. 
Prohibits possession of a handgun by a person under age 18. 
Prohibits possession of any firearms, including BB guns, on school property. 
Requires that all handguns must be registered. 

Etc. etc. 

The NRA's point is that the laws don't work. But the point could also be that they're the wrong laws!

Missing from this list is any law that guns have to be child-proof. Or designed to be fired only by the owner. 

But there is something you can do in the meantime to child-proof a gun. Take the bullets, and just put them in a child-proof aspirin bottle. We DO have safety standards for aspirin bottles.

Now this:

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS PRIMARY
Moved: 3/8/2000 11:00
CBS-PRIMARY 3/8/2000

The practice election. This is DR...

It will now be Bush versus Gore, and the opening shots were fired in last night's speeches.

Bush will play video of Al Gore panhandling in a Buddhist Temple, and Gore will try to rope Bush into a series of embarrassing debates focusing on the names of obscure world leaders.

The big question is where will the McCain vote go?

Let's forget the delegate counts for a moment and look at the raw totals.

Looking just at the numbers, Republicans drew more voters overall -- about 6.4 million compared to just over 6 million for the Democrats. So it sounds like good news for George Bush.

But 2.6 million of those Republican votes were for John McCain -- who ran very strong among independents and among Democrats willing to cross over.

According to one exit poll, among Republicans, 16% said that if Bush won the nomination, they would cross over and vote for Gore.

Now this is where the analysis gets a little dicey. But it's probably safe to assume that MOST of those Republicans willing to cross over are in the McCain camp.

It's also probably safe to assume that Bradley voters are NOT going to cross the OTHER way and go for George Bush. 

So if we do the math conservatively, and apply the 16% crossover figure JUST to yesterday's McCain vote of about 2.6 million -- we get 400,000 crossover votes.

Subtracting those from the Republican total, and adding them to the Democratic is enough to reverse the results -- giving the Democrats 6.4 million, and the REPUBLICANS 6.

The race for the middle is on.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS EXIT POLLS
Moved: 3/8/2000 11:00
CBS-EXIT POLLS 3/8/2000

What happened to John McCain? This is DR...

He came riding into the race as a reformer who was going to shake up the Republican party. John McCain, war hero, enemy of big money campaigns, was going to clean up politics. But he also came in saying some things that sounded -- well, a little like a Democrat.

He said he wanted to pay off the debt instead of return all of the surplus as a tax cut. He said he wanted to cut corporate subsidies. He actually used the phrase "haves and have nots" and once said -- (QUOTE) "I'm not giving tax cuts for the rich."

And he waffled enough on abortion that a lot of people suspected that he was actually pro-choice.

But on Tuesday, when all the votes were tallied, Bush beat him not just in the delegate count, but by about by about 1.2 million votes in the raw vote count.

The exit polls tell the story.

Among independents, crossover Democrats, liberals and people who think abortion should be legal, McCain was the winner. So clearly he got his message out. But he was running as a Republican, needing Republican delegates to win the nomination. And independents, Democrats, and liberals are a little less likely to pick up ballots marked "Republican."

The exit polls also show McCain voters were looking for someone who is not a typical politician or someone who stands up for what he believes in. The same type of voters that Bill Bradley appealed to. 

And you saw what happened to Bill Bradley.

The numbers show reformers don't claim a majority in EITHER party.

It looks like a comfortable America is voting for the status quo.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross... 
Index 

CBS SHOOT 2
Moved: 3/3/2000 9:00
CBS-SHOOT-2 3/2/2000

Falling through the cracks. This is DR...

Services are today in Mt Morris Michigan for Kayla Rolland (ROH'-land), the girl shot in her first grade class -- while everybody tries to figure out how to prevent such an outrage.

Gun licensing -- will that work? The gun was stolen, traded for drugs -- a guy who pays for a gun with drugs, is he going to think to himself -- I better get me a license? 

Do you regulate guns? Make gun possession a crime the way drug possession is? Shift those army helicopters from the jungles of Colombia to the Smith and Wesson factory?

There was a TV in the kid's home -- in fact, police found his discipline report sitting on top of it, unsigned.

Do you regulate TV shows? Go beyond the V-chip, redefine pornography to include violence.

Well, we have a second amendment that says you can't regulate guns, and we have a first amendment that says you can't regulate TV shows.

But maybe there is another option. I heard one TV commentator say here's a child who has "fallen through the cracks." We can all certainly agree on that. Abandoned by mom, dad in jail, living with an uncle who mixes stolen guns with the bedding -- he's fallen through the cracks.

Well, in a country with 200,000 guns, any of which could be fired by a six year old who has "fallen through the cracks"; in a country where TV portrays murders every hour of the day to children who have "fallen through the cracks"; and in the face of laws that say neither can be regulated, there is only one thing to do. Make sure no children fall through the cracks.

Instead of police carrying handcuffs patrolling the streets for guns, we need social workers carrying cash patrolling the streets for poverty.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NY SHOOTING
Moved: 3/3/2000 8:59
CBS-NY SHOOT 3/3/2000

Poor Malcolm Ferguson. This is DR...

It happened three blocks from the apartment building where an unarmed Amadou Diallo was shot to death. Wednesday night, another unarmed man, Malcolm Ferguson, was shot by a member of New York's Street Narcotics Unit.

Immediatey 100 protestors turned out convinced that it was Diallo II.

However, there were differences. For one, the team of officers included two whites, a black, and an Hispanic, who actually fired the shot.

There was the victim's record, which included several felony drug arrests.

And then there was this line. I quote from the AP dispatch:

"Police also said they found several envelopes of heroin on Ferguson's body."

"Several envelopes of heroin..." The unspoken message there is that THIS shooting was really OK; THIS shooting we can understand. 

The guy had heroin -- a very dangerous, even DEADLY substance. We think -- Heroin! Drug pusher! It doesn't break my heart that HE'S dead...

But suppose I rewrote that sentence as follows:

"Police said they found a box of ... rat poison on Ferguson's body."

Also a very dangerous, even deadly substance. But would he deserve to die for having it?

The fact is we have a whole class of people who we consider legitimate targets simply because they possess one deadly substance instead of another. But how different is Malcolm Ferguson from Amadou Diallo?

What is the more dangerous precedent -- that Amadou Diallo was shot carrying a wallet and everyone agrees it was bad? Or that Malcolm Ferguson was shot carrying a white powder and everyone thinks it's fine?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS SLOW TRIGGER LOCKS
Moved: 3/3/2000 8:59
CBS-TRIGGER LOCKS 3/3/2000

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

The recent shootings have created another news peg for the same old gun control discussion, and the candidates are repeating their familiar stands -- but the most finessed position comes from George W. Bush.

"I HOPE people use trigger locks" he told reporters in Atlanta. Indeed, according to a spokesman, he would have no trouble signing legislation REQUIRING trigger locks. But, to quote the news dispatch, "Bush stopped short...of actively calling for such a measure."

I think we have to take that REAL SLOW:

He would have no trouble signing legislation REQUIRING trigger locks. But Bush stopped short...of actively calling for such a measure.

Hmm. SO that he would sign legislation that he doesn't plan to ask for. Is he rehearsing for another Letterman appearance...
Or... wait a minute -- I have it.

What he's saying is... It's COMPASSIONATE to CALL for trigger locks, but it's CONSERVATIVE not to really MEAN it.

There you go!

See, the news always makes more sense when you read it real slow.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BOB JONES
Moved: 3/3/2000 8:59
CBS-BOB-JONES 3/3/2000

Bob Jones in its own words. This is DR...

I guess of all the things the campaign could focus on, I never would have predicted it would come down to who hates Catholics.

So let's see if we can understand this.

It all began when George W. Bush gave a speech at Bob Jones University in South Carolina, without once scolding the place for being anti-Catholic.

But is it REALLY anti-Catholic? Bob Jones University has very helpfully issued a statement about its philosophies so there will be no confusion.

I quote from the web page. (QUOTE) "If there are those who wish to charge us with being anti-CATHOLICISM, we plead guilty. But we are not Catholic-haters. 

"All religion, including Catholicism, which teaches that salvation is by religious works or church dogma, is false. Religion that makes the words of its leader, be he Pope or other, equal with the Word of God, is false." (UNQUOTE)

So you see, Bob Jones University is not against Catholics, it's only against the Catholic Church.

In fact, Bob Jones University LOVES Catholics. I quote again: (QUOTE) "We love the practicing Catholic and earnestly desire to see him accept the Christ of the Cross, leave the false system that has enslaved his soul, and enjoy the freedom of sins forgiven that is available for any of us in Christ alone." (UNQUOTE)

In other words, this is all a big NOTHING. Bob Jones University is NOT anti-Catholic. It believes Catholics CAN go to heaven as long as they're smart enough to drop out of that silly religious organization they're in!

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ROCKER
Moved: 3/2/2000 8:13
CBS-ROCKER 3/2/2000

Can he find redemption? This is DR...

An arbitrator finally decided that being rude is not yet a capital offense in baseball, and so Braves Pitcher John Rocker will be back in the game after only TWO weeks instead of four, and his fine will be cut from $20,000 to 500. It pays to challenge your traffic tickets, people.

But the conventional wisdom seems to be that his purgatory is only beginning. That even if he DOES mend fences with his teammates, he will remain a pariah among the fans. That there is not a ball park, not a city where he will go un-booed.

Will he ever find redemption? Of COURSE he will. All he has to do is one simple act -- one simple act that will do more to redeem him than all the apologies in the world.

Throw strikes. 

John Rocker has the same path to redemption enjoyed by all pitchers. 

He needs to throw strikes.

I've seen players who were beloved by everyone, players who said all the right things to Sports Illustrated, players you'd trust alone with your teenage daughter for a week on the Love Boat -- suddenly become bums because their ERA went up or their batting average went down.

Conversely, I've been at games where the visiting pitcher can walk to the mound drowning in boos and catcalls. But after he's fanned three batters in a row, the fans clam up. It doesn't matter how much how hated he is, if he whups your team, are you going to boo him for being good?

You've been a bad boy, John. But you are lucky. You live in a world where the quality of mercy is not strained. It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven -- provided you can get it down the heart of the plate at 99 miles an hour.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS LATE NIGHT SHOWS
Moved: 3/2/2000 8:13
CBS-LATE NIGHT SHOWS 3/2/2000

The flaw in the process. This is DR...

There's a major flaw in the political process. And it became obvious last night with the dueling late night appearances of Candidates John McCain and George W Bush.

McCain was on Leno where he talked about his lucky shoes; Bush was on Letterman where he correctly answered that Cy Sperling is the President of the hair club for men.

The candidates appear on these shows because the ability to ad-lib canned lines is crucial in a president. As is the ability to create raw material for comedy. Whole industries depend upon it. 

This is SO important that the Center for Media and Public Affairs assigned someone to COUNT the number of late-night jokes told about each candidate! Hillary has 329, Bush second with 293, Gore third with 275. First prize, of course, goes to a non-candidate, Bill Clinton, with 1,189. 

But there are one or two other things involved in being President, and the candidates have GOT to branch out if they're going to communicate their message to the people.

They need to go beyond the debates, and beyond the late night talk shows. The show the candidates need to be on is the Price is Right.

Because In between ad libs, the next President is going to have to set a budget -- and every year that budget seems to include money for some crazy overpriced weapon system that doesn't work. The only possible explanation is that the people we elect just have no clue what things cost.

You won't find out with these Letterman appearances, but if they get on the Price is Right and bid $500 on a can of air freshener -- then we have some information we can use.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SHOOT
Moved: 3/1/2000 8:08
CBS-SHOOTING 3/1/2000

Who to throw the book at? This is DR...

This time it's a first grader -- who pulled a gun from his pants pocket and fired a fatal shot at a six year old girl. A playground argument settled once and for all.

And this time everybody agrees on THIS much -- you can't prosecute a six year old for murder.

But why not? What else can you do?

Sure the gun was stolen, but you'll never stop theft. Sure there was no child safety lock on it -- but the kid's mother had just been evicted, his father is in jail; the kid lived in a place the prosecutor described as a "flophouse". What do you suppose is going through the mind of the average flophouse resident -- "Yikes! A gun! Gotta get me a child safety lock! Keep this flophouse safe?"

Probably not.

And as for re-designing guns so that they CAN'T be used by children -- let's be REAL! If it was something truly dangerous, like that Pokemon Toy that was recalled, THEN you could do something about it.

But the government can't recall an unsafe gun. And unsafe WATER PISTOL, yes. but not a gun.

Do you prosecute an adult? That's where the fingers seem to be pointing. But I'll bet the adults in that house either didn't know the gun was under that bed, or had it for personal protection. And LOTS of people have guns for personal protection -- we accept that now.

SO -- if you can't require a weapon to be redesigned, if safety locks don't work, if we are going to protect the freedom of the American people to arm themselves -- all that's left is to send this six year old to jail and send an unmistakable message to six year olds everywhere.

Meanwhile Americans must continue to arm themselves. There are first graders with GUNS out there.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS McCAIN
Moved: 3/1/2000 8:07
CBS-McCAIN 3/1/2000

Reality kicks in. This is DR...

John McCain delighted a lot of people by taking on Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell. It's an old strategy -- one of the ways to win friends is to pick a good enemy.

But it's a fact of the primary process in America that independents don't count. They can vote --- but they can't organize. They have no nominating process. They have no convention. They don't have a balloon and confetti budget.

The role of the independent voter in America is to choose from what the big parties hand to them.

So McCain is in the position of an entrepreneur whose stock options haven't vested yet. He's rich -- but only on paper.

In his chosen battleground, Washington State, he claimed a victory in the Independent vote -- with 41%. But his actual independent vote count was only 141,000. When you add up ALL the votes cast -- he was still almost ten thousand votes BEHIND George W. Bush.

Absentees could change that, but they won't be counted until next week, when nobody will really care.

The rest of Washington's delegates will be chosen in party caucuses run by Republican regulars who now have no reason to question George Bush's electability.

McCain has a lot of virtual victories -- he does very well in the popular vote, his book is in its 12th printing, compared to Bush's, which has yet to sell out its first...

But it's the delegates that count.

In the big contests coming up, those delegates will be chosen by party regulars -- not independents. And the one fear that might have switched them to McCain -- the fear that Bush can't win in November -- was defused last night.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GORE INSURANCE
Moved: 2/29/2000 8:25
CBS-GORE INSURANCE 2/29/2000

Something nice about an insurance company! This is DR...

Whenever we in the media can say something nice about an insurance company, we must SEIZE the opportunity -- and the news today is that Aetna Healthcare will continue providing nursing care for Ian Malone.

Ian Malone is five months old and because of problems during his birth, suffers from seizures. It costs 300 dollars a day to pay for the 12 hours of daily nursing care that he needs.

And his parents' insurance company, Aetna Healthcare, planned to cut him off.

Now many times the story stops THERE, and we're all left to shake our heads in disgust at the evil ways of insurance companies. But this story has a happier ending -- and those who think the presidential primaries accomplish nothing, take note.

Christine and Dylan Malone had the good sense to send a letter to Vice President Al Gore -- a letter which came in handy at the very time he was stumping for votes in their state -- Washington.

Sunday during a campaign stop, he called them up to the podium to demonstrate why this nation needs a Patients Bill Of Rights. 

Well, whether the gesture helps the bill or not we can't say, but it sure got Aetna off the dime. The company has now decided that Ian will get the treatment.

So you see, insurance companies DO have souls. Corporations DO have feelings. Sure, once in a while, you get a staffer who comes into work and says, "today I'll cut off a 5 month old child with brain damage" -- but people! If you just put in a little effort, write a letter to the vice president, catch him at a time when he's running for president, and he's pushing for a Patients Bill of Rights, and needs votes in your state, you'll get coverage. Simple as that!

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS LUNTZ POLL
Moved: 2/29/2000 8:25
CBS-LUNTZ POLL 2/29/2000

The bad news for Al Gore. This is DR.

The bad news is that, as well as he's doing against Bill Bradley, people still think he's boring.

We all know that SHOULDN'T matter in a Presidential race.

Except that this is the first majopr race of the short attention span generation. The generation that doesn't want to be GOVERNED by its politicians but rather, ENTERTAINED by its politicians.

Pollster Frank Luntz ran a poll that strictly avoided issues in favor of personality, and asked these questions:

Which of the four candidates would you LEAST want as your father. Number one -- with 38.9% Al Gore.

If you had to choose, which of the four do you think had the MOST problems getting a date to their senior prom. 33.5% -- Al Gore. Being the inspiration for Love Story hasn't helped him.

People think he's smart, all right. Which candidate would you be most likely to use as a Lifeline on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire -- 25.2% -- Al Gore.

If you had an important exam and you hadn't studied, who would you most want to cheat off of? 28.5% Al Gore.

But -- when asked for which of the four would you rather kill yourself than be stuck alone with for a week: 39.6% Al Gore.

Which of the four four do you think is most likely to be an alien -- 38.9 Al Gore.

The only candidate to score higher in a negative category was George W Bush, who was judged most likely to have cheated in college, most likely to cheat at golf, and most likely to be audited by the IRS. He won THAT category with 46%

As for the father question -- the candidate people would MOST want as their father -- John McCain, with 35.9%. Good news for Mr McCain. Although I imagine MRS. McCain must have mixed feelings.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS OFFENDED
Moved: 2/28/2000 9:02
CBS-OFFENDED 2/28/2000

Finally -- a chance to be offended. This is DR...

It doesn't happen often, because I've never been able to convincingly claim any ethnicity, and my sexual orientation is non-controversial, so when the opportunity to be offended comes along, guys like me have to SEIZE it, and hang onto it, if only for the experience.

Now candidate George W. Bush is in trouble because he spoke at Bob Jones University, an institution that, according to what I have read, holds anti-Catholic views. As in, it views Catholicism as a cult. And the fact that a presidential candidate would speak there, according to Bush's competitors, is offensive to Catholics.

Offensive enough that Bush has written a letter of apology to Cardinal John O'Connor of New York.

Well, I've been a Catholic for a long time -- ever since being baptized as an infant. So I am entitled to decide whether George W. Bush speaking at Bob Jones University offends me.

Does it irritate me, does it VEX me that he would talk at such a place? Does it hurt me or cause pain?

In all honesty -- and this is disappointing because as I say it is rare that someone like me has the opportunity to take offense at something -- in all honesty no!

Frankly, until this flap, I didn't even know Bob Jones university considered my religion a cult. They can consider it a Vegas Revue if they want to, I don't think it'll make much difference in my Sunday routine.

Actually, the most vexing thing about this whole incident is that anybody would name a university "Bob Jones". How does that look on a diploma.

It should at least be ROBERT Jones, don't you think. There, now I'VE offended somebody.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS DIALLO
Moved: 2/28/2000 8:29
CBS-DIALLO 2/28/2000

Rules of engagement. This is DR...

What does the verdict in the Amadou Diallo case mean?

I don't think it's terribly complicated: it means that in New York State, a cop dressed like a civilian can shoot an innocent, unarmed person to death -- and as long as he didn't mean to, and he's very sorry, there is no criminal penalty.

There ARE a few conditions -- the cop must testify convincingly that he was frightened, that he THOUGHT the victim was armed, and show deep remorse. But if he can do that, then it is officially not a criminal offense for a plainclothes police officer to shoot an unarmed person dead.

Apparently, under the law, it is no different than accidentally running over a pedestrian who darts out in front of you on a dark night. A tragic mistake. 

As Mayor Giuliani says, a jury of 12 people with no axe to grind examined the evidence and came to what they thought was a just conclusion.

At least we all have fair warning. Never act suspicious -- especially if you look like someone who could be a criminal.

Do not buy a wallet that looks like a gun. Use a money belt. Carry a purse.

These things we can do. What worries me is what's going to happen the next time someone shoots a plainclothes COP by mistake.

What's going to happen when the defendant says, "Well, I'm very sorry, but I was frightened! I'm only human! He didn't look like a cop, and I thought he was going for a gun. We ordinary people get frightened too..."

This verdict could have many consequences. This much I can tell you -- it's a good thing the cops hadn't been caught selling marijuana -- THEN they would've gotten into some BIG trouble.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS MILLIONAIR RE DAN
Moved: 2/18/2000 11:21
CBS-MILLIONAIRE 2/18/2000

The ratings are in. Feminism is dead. This is DR...

Did you see the ratings for Fox's "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?

Through the roof! 22 million plus tuned in as ten female finalists paraded themselves before a millionaire who waited in the shadows and then -- as soon as he decided which one fit the glass slipper, actually married one of them on the air and whisked her off on a two-week honeymoon.

22.8 MILLION people tuned in by the final half hour. You gotta give it to the Fox people -- they know what makes people watch. Of course the show was condemned by feminists. But they're off watching performance art on public access. The ratings show that more than a third of all women under age 35 watching TV Tuesday night were watching the final half hour of Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire.

I know, I know -- they were watching as a way to express their outrage. 

Right.

The web site Fox set up for future contestants was so overloaded -- it crashed! And it wasn't hackers -- it was apparently women ready to squeeze into a Wonderbra and marry themselves off to a stranger.

30 years of liberation and this is the result.

But even worse, from my point of view, anyway, is what it says about MEN (ALMOST TEARY) and how WE are valued.

Guess we know the answer to that. I notice the show wasn't called "Who Wants To Marry A Sincere Middle-Income Guy." How many women would tune in to THAT. They already know what THAT's like.

Well I hope the two lovebirds are happy, and if they're not -- tune in for "Who Wants to DIVORCE a Millionaire." That's where the REAL money is anyway.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS WINDOWS
Moved: 2/17/2000 8:21
CBS-WINDOWS 2/17/2000

W2K. This is DR...

I've been using computers for a long time. And those of you just getting started may wonder why all the excitement about Microsoft's new operating system, Windows 2000. 

We don't hear about it when General Motors comes out with a new TRANSMISSION -- so why so much attention for a computer operating system whose functions are roughly analogous.

Let me see if I can explain this politely.

It's simply because our computers are SCRAMBLING our BRAINS.

Just this morning I was passing by my home computer -- brand new. Did it greet me with a respectful "Hello, Dave" or "You've Got Mail"? Ha! It was in Blue Screen Mode. Apparently it had been in Blue Screen Mode all night!!

(CALMER) Again, for those of you whose only experience with misbehavior is child rearing, the Blue Screen is how a computer pouts.

It's how a computer says, I HAVE all your files, but I'm not going to give them to you.

And I hadn't even DONE anything to it. Hadn't yelled, or pounded the keys, or compared it to Bill Clinton, NOTHING!!

(BREATH)

And that is why each new Windows operating system is a major event. It represents hope itself -- the hope that if I reinstall everything just ONE MORE TIME, it'll work right. Now, I have to tell you, it doesn't make us feel especially secure to read that Windows 2000 was apparently named for the number of known bugs in the final release -- or as I believe a Microsoft spokesman referred to them, "known issues."

But the preliminary report from the computer press is that even with the known issues, there are fewer blue screens. And that, Mr Gates - AND Ms Reno -- is all we're asking for.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS OIL PRICES 2/16/00 8:
Moved: 2/17/2000 8:19
CBS-OIL PRICES 2/16/00 8:28 PM-DLR

Oil prices are up -- what will we do? This is DR...

Oil prices are up, gas prices are up, and there are demands for ACTION! Something must be done. Something must be done because even though oil producers SAID they were going to cut production, we all went out and bought SUVs big enough 
to have a name across the stern.

And then we discovered, YIKES! They won't run on soybeans! They need GAS! Huge amounts!

So something must be done! We're not going to take it! We're going to pull our troops out of Saudi Arabia and the other oil countries! Teach them a lesson THEY'LL never forget. Let them get overrun by Iraq.

(I LOVE it when we talk tough. That way no one can suspect us of being 
gay.)

So we pull our troops out of say Saudi Arabia, Iraq unleashes the arsenal its' been building up since the UN inspections ended, and takes over -- so that now instead of getting less oil, we get NO oil.

Ah, nothing's ever simple. SO what SHOULD the government do? How about NOTHING! Well, help people who can't afford heating oil. But beyond that -- just point out that it's been 27 years since we got the first big oil shock. It's been 27 years since 
the cents column began moving too fast to read.

And we CLEARLY don't care. We're back to buying cars massive enough to exert 
gravitational pull. 

There has been SOME progress -- the built stereo's offer vastly improved bass response. But there hasn't exactly been an epidemic of car pooling sweeping the land. And when you tell the world's oil producers "Look at us! We're hooked on gas," they're going to notice.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WINDOWS
Moved: 2/17/2000 8:19
CBS-WINDOWS 2/17/2000

High hopes. This is DR...

I've been using computers for a long time. And those of you just getting started may wonder why all the excitement about Microsoft's new operating system, Windows 2000. 

We don't hear about it when General Motors comes out with a new TRANSMISSION -- so why so much attention for a computer operating system whose functions are roughly analogous.

Let me see if I can explain this politely.

It's simply because our computers are SCRAMBLING our BRAINS.

Just this morning I was passing by my home computer -- brand new. Did it greet me with a respectful "Hello, Dave" or "You've Got Mail"? Ha! It was in Blue Screen Mode. Apparently it had been in Blue Screen Mode all night!!

(CALMER) Again, for those of you whose only experience with misbehavior is child rearing, the Blue Screen is how a computer pouts.

It's how a computer says, I HAVE all your files, but I'm not going to give them to you.

And I hadn't even DONE anything to it. Hadn't yelled, or pounded the keys, or compared it to Bill Clinton, NOTHING!!

(BREATH)

And that is why each new Windows operating system is a major event. It represents hope itself -- the hope that if I reinstall everything just ONE MORE TIME, it'll work right. Now, I have to tell you, it doesn't make us feel especially secure to read that Windows 2000 was apparently named for the number of known bugs in the final release -- or as I believe a Microsoft spokesman referred to them, "known issues."

But the preliminary report from the computer press is that even with the known issues, there are fewer blue screens. And that, Mr Gates - AND Ms Reno -- is all we're asking for.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DEBATE
Moved: 2/16/2000 11:49
CBS-DEBATE 2/16/2000

[scratch copy, does not reflect handwritten edits]

The pebble in their shoes. This is DR...

It's the new four letter word in politics -- Bill. 

"Don't compare me to Clinton!" 

Bush and McCain have BOTH complained about campaign ads comparing them to Bill Clinton.

The most offensive thing you can do is compare a Republican Candidate to Clinton. It's negative advertising. It's practically HATE speech. 

But have you caught some of the comments form that CNN debate last night?

Here 's George Bush, on abortion, explaining how he supports exceptions for rape, incest, and saving the mothers life, when at the same time he ALSO supports the Republican platform, which allows NO exception.

TAPE:

Now I know he doesn't want to be compared to Clinton, but he seems to be saying, it all depends on what your definition of NO is.

As for John McCain, he'll permit exceptions. But his own web site says he TOO supports the Republican platform language. And while the whole point of being pro-life is limiting a family's freedom to choose, there is one family's freedom he won't talk about -- his own:

TAPE:

And like a pebble in your shoe, there was Alan Keyes to point out that both men are going to have trouble walking this tight rope:

Alan Keyes. He's only gettin g5% of the vote, but he's having 95% of the fun.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS RACE GROUPS
Moved: 2/15/2000 8:15
CBS-CENSUS 2/15/2000

Let US Choose! This is DR...

The 2000 Census is about to begin, and there will be one big change this time around.

This year, when it comes to checking what race you are, you will be allowed to check as many boxes as apply. Mixed race Americans pressed for the change, because they didn't fit neatly into the listed categories --- poor planning by their parents who apparently married without checking the census forms.

So now the census will allow shades of gray on the race question -- and guess who's unhappy.

Civil Rights groups!

Because if people aren't all black or all American Indian or all Hispanic or all Asian -- what's a civil rights group to do?

Affirmative action from the waist up?

Of course not. According an article in Salon.com, what they're asking the federal government to do when someone checks multiple races is to REASSIGN that person into one of the traditional categories. They want people assigned as members of a specific racial group whether they really belong there or not.

Now, I realize they don't want to lose constituents.

But if we're going to be assigned a race REGARDLESS of what we actually are, if it's going to be THAT arbitrary, then I think WE should be allowed to choose!

Lots of people are considered black even though they have quite a few white ancestors. Maybe they'd rather be considered WHITE for a change -- especially when shopping at convenience stores.

On the other hand, if you're in a state that still uses affirmative action, you might want to be black on your college application.

Then again, if you're in a state with a thriving Casino business you might suddenly discover your Native American roots. But if we're going to be pigeonholed, at least let us pigeonhole ourselves!

Now this. This is DR... 
Index 

CBS SOUTH CAROLINA
Moved: 2/15/2000 8:15
CBS-SOUTH CAROLINA 2/15/2000

Hang in there -- it's almost over! This is DR....

The latest Los Angeles Times poll shows the Republican race in South Carolina in a virtual dead heat, with George W Bush backed by 42 percent and John McCain backed by 40 percent.

You know what that means! Each side will buy still more ads! George W. Bush can't afford to lose so he is pouring money into the market, and John McCain knows he can win, but only if he can match Mr. Bush ad for ad.

When Steve Forbes dropped out his unused ad time was immediately snapped up before his campaign was even cold. 

So the TV ads will intensify, the mailboxes will continue to fill up, the phones will ring and ring and ring.

I think that as a nation we should pause for a moment, to feel the pain of the people of South Carolina. 

Between the campaign for the Presidency and the campaign to remove the Confederate flag, South Carolinians must be numb.

It must be awful. Imagine what they're going through. Every time they turn on the TV -- the same faces. Bush, McCain, Bush McCain; the only variety is when Gore or Bradley sneak on. 

Sometimes they must turn on the TV and say PLEASE! Show us an ad for an allergy medicine, or some obscure DOT COM company, or even some nice personal hygiene product.

PLEASE can we just have ONE ad for Dentu Creme!!

Hang in there -- if you can last until Saturday, you'll be fine.

And if you have to get away -- the safest thing to do is go to New Hampshire. Nobody cares who they're voting for up there anymore.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS FLIGHT 261
Moved: 2/15/2000 6:00
CBS-FLIGHT 261 2/14/2000

Nothing to chance. This is DR...

There is a strange little story today which I've heard several times, and it doesn't get any clearer.

It has to do with the investigation into the crash of Flight 261. You've heard that Alaska Airlines has grounded eight planes after inspections of the stabilizer found problems with the jackscrew -- which has become the best known aircraft part in America.

The message there is don't worry -- we are leaving nothing to chance here.

But then we got this report from the National Transportation Safety Board about the plane that crashed.

An inspection in 1997 of the stabilizer showed that it was worn out and needed to
be replaced, according to federal officials. But it was NOT replaced. Instead, maintenance records show it passed five subsequent inspections the next day.

So what this means is, that someone looked at the assembly and said -- replace this, and instead of replacing it, it was inspected again. And again. And then AGAIN, and again, and finally, AGAIN.

FIVE inspections. After which the inspectors concluded -- NO problem.

Now the NTSB wants to make it clear that there is NO evidence this had anything to do with the accident.

But if a part LOOKS like it needs replacing, and it takes FIVE inspections to determine that it DOESN'T need replacing, it sounds to a layman like it might have been just as easy to go ahead and replace the thing. 

I think I speak for most air passengers when I say, if you needed to raise the price of all our tickets by a buck or two to replace the occasional part that turns out NOT to have needed replacement after all, we'll pay it.

Now this.

This is DR 
Index 

CBS PEANUTS
Moved: 2/14/2000 11:40
CBS-PEANUTS 2/14/2000

No adults allowed. This is DR...

Yesterday we picked up the paper and read the final Peanuts comic strip -- and then, like one of those Sci Fi movies where the voice on the radio somehow knows what you're doing -- came the news that Charles Schultz had died.

We can all speculate why those characters he created had such universal appeal -- but I think the key was the characters that he DIDN'T create.

There were no adults.

There weren't even adolescents.

Characters over age 7 were banned.

Not that this was some child's paradise -- just the opposite. These kids were MEAN.
In the very first ``Peanuts'' strip, Shermy and Patty are sitting on a curb watching Charlie Brown approach. ``Well! Here comes ol' Charlie Brown! Good ol' Charlie Brown" they say ... "How I hate him!''

That was the first punch line! "How I hate him." And Schulz says he always regretted using it.

But that's what the strip was about: nice guys finish last.

Things never got better for Charlie Brown. Some fans thought he might finally get to kick the football in the last strip -- but he didn't.

Nice guys finish last, and there's nothing they can do about it.

See, THAT'S the difference. This was the kid who was always dissed, but managed to survive without fighting back -- because there were no adults to tell him that's what you do.

If adults had been there, they'd have taken him to counselors, or filed suit. That's also why Charlie Brown couldn't grow up. He'd have turned into the type of kid schools buy metal detectors for; as an adult he'd have a baseball bat under the seat.

But when you're a kid, you can go home, feed your dog, and know that tomorrow's another day.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS INTERNET
Moved: 2/10/2000 8:22
CBS-INTERNET 2/10/2000

Cyberseige! This is DR...

The FBI is determined to find whoever has been trying to paralyze the Internet. Probably some guy whose hacked off that he never got to use his Y2K rations.

But I've been reading up on these internet attacks, and you know who could end of being a co-conspirator? You! Or even me!

What makes these attacks work is that hundreds of computers start sending messages to the victim site at the SAME time. So the effect is like jamming a radio station.

And where would an attackers get the computers he needs to launch these attacks?

Your desktop!

According to an article on ZD Net -- which is one of the web sites that was attacked this week -- if you have one of those always-on internet connections, or if you have a modem that you leave connected all day, YOUR computer can be recruited for one of these attacks.

Corporate computers have security software. But those of us with home computers -- what do we know about security? We're just happy the thing works at all.

An attacker could plant an attack program on your machine and unless you noticed your modem light behaving strangely, you'd have no idea.

So I was thinking about this and I realized: 

Most of us are not going to go searching the web for some security fix -- but you know what we COULD do:

We COULD do this: turn the machine off once in while!

Most home computers spend a good part of the day displaying the screen saver to an empty room -- so flip the switch!

I know it's a radical move, especially for a society that finds it difficult to turn off the TV without help -- but no attacker, no matter how clever, can use your computer if it's off! Although I'm sure they're working on it.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MARRIAGE
Moved: 2/10/2000 8:22
CBS MARRIAGE 2/10/2000

The marriage penalty. This is DR....

Congress is after the marriage penalty again -- which prompted a listener named John to e-mail this letter:

Dear Dave,

Why is there so much uproar over the "marriage penalty tax"? This tax rate 
was instituted to HELP married couples with families, NOT penalize them. 
When this law was enacted, married couples with children would have one 
spouse work and the other would stay at home to raise the children and 
instill in them their "family values." ...

What could possibly be more important than raising your children with your family values?

... I feel that this law change will only encourage more 
families to send both parents to work outside the home and spend less time 
raising their families. What happened to the family value line that both 
major political parties are in favor of? Why is Congress about to 
encourage families to have two working parents? Who is going to instill the 
"family values" in these children?

Signed John

Oh but John, it's even worse than that.

Ask yourself why couples are screaming about the marriage penalty. You'd think that when a couple gets married -- even if their combined incomes push them into a higher bracket -- they'd be way ahead. Because now, instead of two rent payments, they have only one. Instead of two electric bills and heat bills, only one etc etc ... UNLESS... UNLESS they WERE LIVING TOGETHER ALREADY!

So Congress is not only about to encourage latchkey kids, but reward married people who've been living in sin! However, don't worry -- we can rest assured they're doing it for the right reasons.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DELAWARE
Moved: 2/10/2000 6:01
CBS-DELAWARE 2/9/2000

Something is happening here. This is DR...

Yes, something is happening here, and what it is isn't exactly clear. But there are voters with ballots over there. And they say you'd better beware...

That's about as much as I remember from my days of campus rebellion -- but these crazy Republicans, they've picked up that anti-establishment spirit!

Steve Forbes is dropping out of the Presidential race.

I know he had a lot of strikes against him. He wasn't the kind of candidate you could cuddle with. People cruelly speculated he had a string coming out of his back.

But here is a man who, in two presidential races, spent about $60 million dollars. You would think for that kind of money he would at least come CLOSE.

Well, not only did he not come CLOSE in Delaware, he was trounced. He was easily beaten by George W. Bush, yes, but he was ALSO beaten by John McCain, who didn't spend ANY money in Delaware. Didn't even stand upwind of the place. And still got 25% of the vote.

That's CRAZY. And even though George W won handily with 51, he's got to be just a teensy bit worried that a guy who didn't advertise got 25.

Because it implies there are are limits to big money ad campaigns.

Think what that means.

If it turns out the big money campaigns don't work it means that candidates would have no need of big donors!

And if candidates have no need of big donors, they would have no reason to
pass laws giving tax deductions to big corporations, or tax breaks to rich investors.

This could completely screw up the power structure!

You have go to stop this! You're REPUBLICANS! Behave yourselves! Before you get all naked and muddy!

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS GRIFFEY
Moved: 2/10/2000 6:01
CBS-GRIFFEY 2/9/2000

Dear Cincinnati. This is DR....

Dear Cincinnati baseball fans, 

It looks like you are about to get a deal for Ken Griffey Junior. As you know, he's said he wants to leave the Seattle Mariners to be closer to his family in Orlando, and so he wants to work right next door, in Ohio. 

We in Seattle don't pretend to understand this, and we will miss him.

But we notice that you are considering a novel way of paying for him: putting off most of his salary until you start collecting revenues from that beautiful new stadium you are building. The one the replacing the relatively new stadium you are tearing down.

Hmmm. You know, we in Seattle ALSO replaced a new stadium with a newer stadium. It cost half a BILLION dollars. 

It has gourmet restaurants, gorgeous views, luxurious skyboxes a retractable roof, and more clean bathrooms than all the highway rest areas in the state combined.

But what I want to point out to you is WHY we spent so much tax money to build it. It's because we were told we needed a new stadium to be able to keep major stars like... Ken Griffey Junior. It was our insurance. 

It was even named after an insurance company -- Safeco Field.

If the deal goes thru, the very player it was built to keep will have played there for all of three months.

So now it's your turn, Cincinnati. You too are a small market team. You too needed a stadium to remain competitive. You too want to keep Ken Griffey Junior. Of course you DO have an advantage we in Seattle do not. You're right near Orlando.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS BUSH REFORM
Moved: 2/8/2000 8:24
CBS-BUSH REFORM 2/8/2000

An historic turnaround. This is DR... 

The latest Zogby poll is out, and it finds that John McCain has made an amazing turnaround.

According to the poll, he could easily beat EITHER Democratic challenger.

Against the vice president, McCain would win 50 to 38 per cent, and against Democrat Bill Bradley, he would win 49 percent to 33 percent.

So he'd easily win a national election if it were held now.

By contrast, if BUSH were the Republican nominee, he'd beat Bradley -- just barely -- and lose to the vice president, just barely.

So nationally, the poll shows, the only democrat Bush could outright beat is the one who will probably not get the nomination.

And yet among Republicans, Bush is still WAY ahead of McCain: 48% to 30%.

Which means Republicans, as of now anyway, would rather risk losing the election with Bush, than risk winning with McCain, WHO'S REFORM IDEAS strike them as just a little too radical -- verging on Democratic.

So over the weekend, George W. Bush underwent a remarkable transformation -- from the soft-focus aw-shucks compassionate conservative, to the fire in the belly, take no prisoners "Reformer with Results." He whipped off his Clark Kent clothes and came out of the store room as ... John McCain.

Or at least McCain lite. 

But is he REALLY? If the polls are right -- he can't go too far with his new reform message.

Because while it may be the message that wins the election -- he has to win the nomination first. And THAT little prize is controlled by Republicans who apparently find reform a little scary.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CIRCUS
Moved: 2/8/2000 8:24
CBS-CIRCUS 2/8/2000

The most dangerous show on earth. This is DR....

Like most city councils, the Seattle City council has a lot to worry about. But NOTHING has captured public attention like the issue at the center of tonight's hearing of the Culture, Art, and Parks Committee.

-- Which tonight will take testimony on whether Seattle should become the first major city to BAN performances by exotic animals. Which would mean banning the Ringling Bros and Barnum & Bailey Circus.

The anti circus side will argue that NOT only is it cruel to make bears ride bicycles, or make elephants do headstands, but dangerous.

Witnesses will include Blayne Doyle, a police officer from Palm Bay Florida, who will testify that he had to shoot a rampaging elephant 14 times when it was about to crush him.

Emotions in Seattle are running SO high, that one council member wants to put the circus matter to a city wide vote.

Now THAT is a great idea. A vote. 

You know what? You could use this voting idea not only for the circus but for ANY form of entertainment. Circuses, football, monster trucks -- why not hold a ballot on each one.

That could get expensive. But wait -- suppose we had people just BUY their ballots? There you go! People would buy little strips of paper with the date and time of the event, so that they could go and evaluate it for themselves.

People who DIDN'T like the circus would go off and vote for a movie. Or a restaurant. And -- how about this -- each day we would force all these businesses to tally up the results and see who won!

So people would be voting on the circus not just once, but EVERY SINGLE TIME it attempts to put on a performance!

THAT would show 'em!

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS HILLARY
Moved: 2/7/2000 14:23
CBS-HILLARY 2/7/2000

It's official. She's running! This is DR:

Actually, TWO things are official: Hillary Clinton is running for Senate, and whatever she picked up on that listening tour, it didn't include a decent New York accent:

TAPE:... New York."

Now I've been away from New York for about 20 years, but I believe it's more like "Buh-DAY":

TAPE: But Hey, This is New York!

No. Buh-DAY. B-U-H. BUH.

TAPE: But HEY...

Buh-DAY, this is New YAWK.

TAPE: "This is New York."

New YAWK.

TAPE: New YORK.

We'll work on it.

The carpetbagger factor is going to be the big issue in this campaign, and everybody seems to assume it's going to hurt Hillary.

But I wouldn't be so sure. I think Mayor Giuliani is going to have to offer more than a birthright.

We must remember what the purpose of having a Senator is. The reason you have a Senator isn't to debate esoteric policy issues, but to GRAB your state's share of the money during closed-door committee meetings.

Hillary's job will be to squeeze money out of Alabama, and California, and Kansas and send it to New York.

What matters is influence. Who you know. Who owes you stuff. 

Critics ask, why couldn't the Democrats find someone from New York State? The answer is, they could! There are LOTS of Democrats in New York who could run for Senate, it's just that none of them are anywhere near as famous as she is.

The NRA could have found a lot of GUN lovers, but they chose Charlton Heston. Why? Because when HE testifies, all the cameras roll.

So yeah it may seem crazy that a first lady could parachute in with a lousy accent and get elected by the toughest voters in the nation -- 

TAPE: "But eh! This is New York."

B-U... ah, fuhgeddaboudit.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS FREESCHOLARSHIPS
Moved: 2/7/2000 14:12
CBS-SCHOLARSHIPS 2/7/2000

Land of the Free. This is DR...

You heard about the latest hit web site? It's called Free Scholarships.com, and guess what it offers? Right! Free Scholarships.

The site premiered last week promising ten thousand dollars daily to one winner. 

All you have to do is give your demographic information so it can be sold to marketers ... who will then stencil banner ads directly on your corneas.

But as long as you can put up with that, you could win ten thousand dollars for college, graduate school -- even private or parochial school.

And guess what else? When you try to get to Free Scholarships dot com, most of the time you can't -- because, according to the site's founder, ``massive demand'' overwhelmed computer servers. 

A lot of people are being turned away. Which means there is an entrepreneurial opportunity for someone out there:

Free Scholarships You Can Actually GET dot com.

In fact, now that we have free scholarships on the web, free music, free long distance, here's the ultimate internet money-maker:

"AllTheFreeMoneyYouWantNow.Com."

And the setup would be simple. People would log on, enter their e-mail address, and enter the amount of money they want, anything from 10 to ten thousand dollars, and within SECONDS it would be automatically deposited into their accounts.

And in exchange -- no big deal -- just fill out a little demographic information and agree to buy whatever they were told to buy!

Millions would sign up.

But Dave, you ask, wouldn't a service like this LOSE piles of money?

Of COURSE it would! Your point?

NOW THIS.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS PRIVACY
Moved: 2/7/2000 6:17
CBS-PRIVACY 2/4/2000

Those nasty regulators. This is DR...

Those nasty regulators are at it again. Or maybe they're NOT so nasty. I know the government employees whose job it is to write the rules don't exactly have a positive image -- but they did do something this week that warmed my heart, and may even warm yours.

They are writing the rules on privacy for consumers. When Congress passes a law -- like the one concerning consumer financial records -- it leaves the enforcement details to the regulators. And very often, you don't know what direction a law will take until those details are written up.

Well, the details have been written up. And they basically say that your name, address and phone number are YOUR business.

Under the new rules -- which take effect in May, banks, brokers and insurers will have to TELL you about any "nonpublic" personal information they plan to share with other companies, or even divisions of the SAME company.

And -- here's the good part -- they must give you a chance to PREVENT IT from being shared.

The financial services industry doesn't like these rules, because one big reason companies have been merging is to share databases. Their lobbyists believe that names, addresses and telephone numbers ought to be classified as public information. Well if you get them from a phone book they are, but otherwise, forget it.

Under these rules, a company can't even disclose that you're a CUSTOMER! It also can't disclose anything about you -- such as how much money you have in your checking account, or how often you buy stock!

Wow! The critics are right -- some of these regulations are truly oppressive. And ain't it great?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS EMAIL
Moved: 2/7/2000 6:17
CBS-EMAIL SAT 2/4/2000

E-mail to daveross.com. This is DR...

Dear Dave,

I am offended by Bud Selig's statement that John Rocker "offended 
practically every element of society". Mr. Selig assumes that every 
element of society actually cares what professional athletes have to 
say. Personally, anything John Rocker has to say is so far off my 
radar screen that it is impossible for me to be offended... I believe Rocker has a legitimate First Amendment civil claim against baseball if any of his ridiculous 
penalties are upheld.

Loyal listener,
Matt 

Thank you Matt, but it's clear that every element of society DOES care what professional athletes have to say.

Otherwise, why would they be interviewed so often?

Matt, if we didn't pay attention to what athletes say, what would sports magazines write about. Have you been to a newsstand lately? Seen how MANY sports magazines there are? How many pages there are to fill? Do you know what sportswriters would have to write about if athletes didn't say outrageous things off the field? 

Sports! As in -- games that are over!

DO you know how difficult it is to come up with something interesting to say about a game that's over? How many times can you say "Was it the BEST Superbowl ever played, or can any game really be better than the unforgettable Superbowl three."

Who cares?

No! You want to write about NFL players getting arrested, you want to write about some basketball player who dresses in drag. You want John Rocker to spit at toll booths.

No Matt, if society stopped caring about what professional athletes say, an entire industry would disappear and our current prosperity would be but a distant memory.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS PERKS
Moved: 2/7/2000 6:16
CBS-PERKS 01/26/2000

A nation of perks. This is DR...

Sometimes even money isn't enough -- and so, with the economy as hot as it is, employers are offering better perks to attract employees. Juicy stock options are nice ... but employees today want to feel LOVED.

So you're finding companies offering casual dress, flexible hours, free food.

I took a survey of work perks on my Seattle talk show just to give people a chance to comparison-shop, to listen to each other and see if their perks stack up to what their neighbors are getting.

And among the reports I got -- the motorcycle salesman who got to take customers on three hour test drives. The contracting supervisor -- who each year gets a fishing trip to Yakutat, Alaska -- where you stay in a picturesque lodge with a roaring fire, and after you catch the fish, someone ELSE cleans them.

A guy whose whole job is a perk. He sets up games for corporate parties -- like those velcro walls -- and of course has to test out every one of them.

A worker for a dot-com company where the president brings a masseuse in every other Friday, bagels and donuts once a week, has microbrew nights every Friday evening, and company parties four times a year.

And the most unusual perk of all -- the guy who called and said he once worked as a cook. And of course, as a cook, he ate very well. But that wasn't the perk. He was a cook in a strip club, and the boss let him look all he wanted, no charge. 

The only drawback was that after a while, he no longer cared, and he quit.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. 
Index 

CBS GRANDMA
Moved: 2/7/2000 6:16
CBS-GRANDMA 2/04/2000

Is Grandma a weirdo? This is DR....

Just when we all thought there was nothing else to say about the Elian Gonzalez case -- we are being told that one of his Grandmothers is a weirdo.

Elian's paternal Grandmother was on Cuban State television describing her meeting with Elian, at the home of Sister Jeanne O'Laughlin in Miami, and said the boy seemed sad. So cheer him up she started teasing him. "I got his tongue out of his mouth and I bit it, I even opened his fly I said let me look at his parts, let's see if it's grown!"

Gee, and we all thought Cuban TV was boring.

The Miami relatives are outraged. "Instead of kissing him and hugging him they're taking his THING out?" said a spokesman.

But now wait a minute -- if it was something to be ashamed of, why would Grandma have gone on national TV and described it? Not only that -- did you see who she described it to? A child psychologist. She was being interviewed by a child psychologist.

If Grandma is a child molester she is just about the dumbest child molester in history -- she does it while a NUN is watching, and then tells a child psychologist about it on national TV.

What we appear to have here is a cultural difference and the reason for the difference is likely because Cuba is one of the few places in this hemisphere not taken over by American culture. And the reason Cuba has not been taken over by American culture is the embargo endorsed by the very people who find Grandma's behavior so disturbing.

If this is child abuse, then apparently, that whole island is populated with elderly child abusers named Grandma. Lift that embargo and build them some healthy amusement parks, give them Pokemons and let's save ALL the kids!

Now this.

This is Dave Ross... 
Index 

CBS STUPID
Moved: 2/3/2000 14:54
CBS-STUPID 2/2/2000

Money talks -- but why? This is DR...

I've been ranting lately about how John McCain's victory in New Hampshire marked the Dawn of a New Era. When party labels no longer matter; money no longer rules; and voters decide based on debates, not 30-second TV ads.

And I got this e-mail:

Dear Dave:

I realize you cannot publicly address this, but I felt a need to vent.

I thought people were more informed in this generation, but then I moved to [a small town] ... there are so MANY of them, it is so scarey. There are serious gene-pool problems afoot! With registration cards in hand!

Signed, Patti.

That's what she says: "There are serious gene-pool problems afoot! With registration cards in hand!"

In other words, the reason money talks and TV spots are so effective is that we are a nation of small-town dufus-heads.

Yikes. You're frightening me, Patti. If true, not only is this scary, but it means the campaign is a TERRIBLE waste of money.

It means instead of counting votes on election day, just have an accountant declare the richest campaign the winner, and then use the money to buy beer. Or Lotto tickets. Something Americans really want.

We can't let this happen! We must do something! How about you find the stupidest person you know, and pay him not to vote.

Then again -- if money really COULD guarantee victory, Steve Forbes would be toasting his first place New Hampshire finish, and on Inauguration day he'd be taking the reins of power from outgoing President Ross Perot.

Then again, as the only candidate who can be ad libbing and STILL look like he's reading a Teleprompter there may be NO amount of money that can help.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS VERMONT
Moved: 2/3/2000 14:54
CBS-VERMONT 2/3/02000

A state divided. This is DR...

The debate over gay marriage has erupted in Vermont -- because of a State Supreme Court decision which says that under Vermont's constitution, government cannot deny a government benefit to people based on sex.

And marriage, because of all the legal privileges it confers, is definitely a government benefit, and therefore, it cannot be denied based on sex.

Religious organizations have lined up on BOTH sides of the issue, and there is no compromise in sight.

It does seem, absurd that the word MARRIAGE could be applied to two women or two men. And yet I'll bet that most of us could could probably think of heterosexual couples to whom it would ALSO be absurd to apply the word marriage.

States are willing to allow just about ANYONE to marry, many times with terrible results. As long as the sexes are opposite, they don't care.

At least with same sex marriages -- you typically don't have kids around UNLESS the couple has been checked out by an adoption agency, or at least a fertility clinic.

But with HETEROSEXUAL marriages, kids just appear, without ANYBODY being checked out. 

Imagine if history had been just a little different -- imagine if marriage had been originally defined as a partnership between people of the SAME sex, with kids being allowed ONLY after the couple had been checked out and certified worthy.

In a world like that, the debate today might have been over whether we allow unrestricted HETEROSEXUAL marriage -- a TRULY crazy system where two people, who may not even know each other very well, who have no training, and indeed who may not even WANT children, can just go around CREATING them! And getting tax deductions for it!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SIREN
Moved: 2/2/2000 8:28
CBS-SIREN 1/31/2000

If the world ends, will anyone believe it? This is DR....

Residents of Ventura California live in the shadow of the Casitas Dam. They know that if it were to fail, Ventura AVenue would be under ten feet of water.

So the city has a warning system -- a system of sirens and loud speakers that warns people to get to higher ground. Of course, a warning system is useless if it doesn't work, so on Saturday it was tested. Newspapers annnounced the test, radio stations announced the test -- and when the test started at 6 p.m. the loudspeakers THEMSELVES announced that it was a test.

"This is a TEST" the voice said, loud enough that anyone within nine miles of the river could hear it.

And then the siren started going. And going and going and going.

And then the announcements changed. Instead of saying "This is a TEST" the voice from the loudspeaker declared, ``This is an emergency. Head for high ground. You have one hour'' in English and Spanish. 

That sure didn't SOUND like a test to a lot of people. And pretty soon hundreds of them were doing exactly as the announcvemnt suggested -- leaving town. People ran for their cars. Mothers pushed their babies in strollers, people in wheelchairs were rolling away from the river as fast as they could. Until finally police and sheriff's deputies had to be called out to help calm the panic by making their own announcements over loudspeakers.

Loudspeaker versus loudspeaker.

It turns out that the wrong chip fired somewhere in the alert system. And maybe there's a lesson there.

If it took actual people to reassure the population it was only a test -- why not just send actual PEOPLE to give the warning in the first place?

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NEW HAMPSHIRE
Moved: 2/2/2000 8:28
CBS-NEW HAMPSHIRE 01/31/2000

Negative camapigning is back. This is DR...

For a while there the campaign threatened to put everyone to sleep; all the candidates were being so courteous and deferential. 

But now the polls are showing it could be close. The leads that challengers McCain and Bradley once enjoyed have evaporated. That means the winners could be determined by one or two guys eating donuts in a diner somewhere in New Hampshire.

So the battle for thir hearts and minds is on.

McCain is runnign ads saying he's the only Republican candidate who knows the military and understands the world -- translation: George Bush can't even name obscure world leaders.

And on the Democratic side the debate is, believe it or not, over ABORTION!Not over where the candidates stand the issue, since they are both pro-choice, there is debate is over where they USED to stand on the issue.

Bradley has ALWAYS been pro-choice, whereas Gore once wrote that abortion is arguably the taking of human life -- but has since changed his mind. So I guess the fear is that he could, as president suddenly suffer pro-life flashbacks.

Bradley also was waving headklines about the scandals in the 1996 campaignto call Gore's viryue into question -- saying iot was time ot tell the truth. That prompted Gore to drop all that talk about Bradley as a "worthy opponent" and accuse him of stepping down to the level of personal vilification!

At stake is nothing less than whether challengers John McCain and Bill Bradley will wake up Wednesday and see their shadows -- which would mean the campaign would last six more weeks until Super Tuesday.

Otherwise - it comes to an early end.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ROCKER
Moved: 2/2/2000 8:27
CBS-ROCKER 2/1/2000

That'll teach him. This is DR...

It's official -- Braves reliever John Rocker will be fined and suspended for his offensive tongue.

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig imposed the sentence because "Major league baseball takes seriously its role as an American institution .... and the important social responsibility that goes with it."

So John Rocker will not only be fined, but take a suspension until May 1st, AND enter sensitivity training to get himself re-programmed, in the hope that he will never again utter disparaging comments toward foreigners, homosexuals and minorities -- and those other unsavory people on the New York Subway.

There must be some way we can prevent this in the future. To catch the bigotry before it erupts with this kind of ugliness.

Who knows how many closet bigots there may be in professional baseball, harboring their offensive thoughts. Undercover reporters! More extensive background checks.

Something! Because we want our youth to think healthy thoughts! Think how embarrassing it must have been sport Sports Illustrated to have to publish those comments, knowing the effect they could have on our youth!

Think how embarrassing to people like Braves owner Ted Turner, Rocker's boss whose TV networks want to present healthy role models like Professional Wrestlers.

So I hope that when John Rocker coughs up that $20,000 fine -- which represents 10% of his $200,000 salary -- he'll learn a valuable lesson.

Wait -- maybe THAT's the problem! A pitcher making 200,000 a year! No wonder he hates the people in the Subway. He actually has to USE it! You'll appreciate diversity a lot more, John, once you're rich enough to ride in a limo like the owners.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS DEATH
Moved: 2/2/2000 8:27
CBS-DEATH ROW 1/31/2000

Mistakes were made. This is DR...

This story struck me as a model of executive prudence: Dateline CHICAGO -- Gov. George Ryan announced a moratorium on executions, saying he wants to know why more Illinois death sentences have been overturned than carried out. 

Since Illinois' death penalty was reinstated in 1977, 13 death row inmates have been cleared -- including Anthony Porter who once came within two days of being executed before a college journalism class proved his innocence. As in -- they had the wrong guy!

Governor Ryan told CNN "I want to make sure... that there is a way that all of these questions can be answered and that the person who goes to death is absolutely guilty."

The person who goes to death is absolutely guilty.

Actually, it would be a good idea to make sure that the person who goes to JAIL to begin with is absolutely guilty, right? What's amazing about the Porter is not only did he not belong on death row, he didn't belong in prison PERIOD!

Of course none of us is perfect, mistakes will happen -- but death is so... permanent.

The governor plans a study of death row cases -- but given the close calls, perhaps we need to ADD to that pro-life amendment that several of the Presidential candidates have been talking about.

How about this: if a governor signs a death warrant for a person who turns out to have committed no crime, that means he has just ordered the taking of an innocent life. 

And we have a word for that -- Murder.

Two cops would appear at the executive mansion with handcuffs.

If THAT were the law of the land, I'll bet there'd be fewer mistakes.

Now this. This is DR 
Index 

CBS GRADES
Moved: 2/2/2000 8:27
CBS-GRADES

There are no D students here! This is DR....

In Grapevine, Texas, the Grapevine-Colleyville School district has just eliminated "D" grades from its grading system. The school board vote was 5-0 with one abstention.

The reason for doing this was to make the grading system fairer .. and... because it means running back Cody Spencer now had a chance to get a football scholarship.

Cody, you see, had D's in three of the 13 courses that count toward eligibility. And when Texas Tech university saw those D's, it was no longer interested in giving him a full ride.

But Texas Tech can reconsider now, because, thanks to the school board vote, Cody Spencer no longer has any D's. As of today, they are all officially -- C's. Indeed as of today, anyone who got a score between 70 and 74 gets a C instead of a D. Retroactive to last semester.

Asked to comment, Larry West of the United Educators Association summarized it nicely: (QUOTE) "We're in Texas, and it's football, and we're talking sports here."

SO now the official grading system is A-B-C-F. D is gone. Like the 13th floor.

Hey -- next step -- get rid of the C! Then he could go to Harvard. Or at least Yale.

But if the school board REALLY wants to be fair -- it shouldn't just be helping jocks who are struggling academically. It should help the scholars who are struggling athletically. The math genius who has no hope of even making the football team, much less getting a scholarship. 

Re-define what a touchdown is. Maybe getting it across the FIVE yard line is enough. Or even the TEN.

Now this.

This is DR...

Index 

CBS NEW HAMPSHIRE
Moved: 2/2/2000 8:27
CBS-NEW HAMPSHIRE 2/2/2000

Politics just got interesting again. This is DR....

John McCain just doesn't get it! Who does he think he is? He doesn't have George Bush's Money. He sure doesn't have Steve Forbes Money.

He doesn't even say the right things.

Remember - he's a Republican, yet he says he wants to pay off the debt instead of return all of the surplus as a tax cut. He's a Republican, yet his own party has just about called him a traitor for trying to get the soft money out of politics.

He's a Republican, yet he has said he wants to cut corporate subsidies. 

John McCain is a Republican, yet he talks about "haves and have nots" and once said -- I'm not even sure if the law allows a Republican to say this -- he once said (QUOTE) "I'm not giving tax cuts for the rich."

(THUNDER)

Plus, he has waffled enough on abortion that his campaign chairman in Washington State is publicly pro-Choice. 

John McCain is completely out of step with recent Republican politics, but worse, he doesn't realize that he is NOT SUPPOSED TO WIN.

Put up a little fight maybe. But look at what he did: in terms of just the NUMBER of votes, he got more than ANYONE running, Democrat or Republican, with 114,000 -- very nearly as many votes as all the other Republicans combined.

This man is an Independent Thinker. Danger, Danger! If he wins, what happens to partisan politics? If voters start thinking for themselves, if big ad campaigns no longer work, where will rich guys spend their money? Where will corporations go for tax breaks? WILL NOBODY SPEAK UP FOR THEM?

There is one hope. This was New Hampshire -- land of diners and gymnasiums. The TV states have yet to speak.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS QUIZ
Moved: 1/28/2000 11:20
CBS-QUIZ 01/28/2000

#1 The Supreme Court has ruled that Congress can stop states from releasing drivers license information to marketing firms. The reason marketing firms would want drivers license information is because:

A) Every marketing firm wants to know how much you weighed 20 years ago. (DING) Right! AND they want a picture that looks nothing like you. Very good. 

#2 A New York doctor is in trouble for carving his initials into a woman's abdomen after a C-section. He apparently decided to sign his work while she was still asleep.

This woman should A) Sue the guy's pant off (BUZZ) For simply taking pride in his work? 

B) Be thankful it wasn't a nose job. (DING)

Surprising new research finds that eighth graders in rural America are now far more likely to use amphetamines, get drunk, and smoke than URBAN eighth graders. The solution is A) More anti-drug ads starring cows (BUZZ) B) Give rural kids a chance to spend a healthy summer trapped in the INNER CITY (DING). Yes! The Stale Air Fund.

Finally -- The President's State of the Union Address was his longest ever, 89 minutes, TEN times longer than the shortest State of the Union Address, delivered by George Washington. This is becausue:

A) President Clinton had ten times as much to say. (BUZZ)
B) America's problems are ten times as big as they were then (BUZZ)
C) Washington's teleprompter went dead after the first page (DING) CORRECT. Early model.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS PRISONERS SLOW
Moved: 1/28/2000 11:20
CBS-PRISONER-SLOW 1/27/2000

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

Dateline OTTAWA: 1720 of Canada's most hardened criminals serving sentences in federal jails in Quebec celebrated the millennium with filet mignon dinners, according to a network report.

Based on market prices for the choice beef tenderloin cut, the meals cost taxpayers $14,000 dollars.

Corrections officials refused to grant an on-camera interview, but a spokesman, Celine Laplante, said the department buys entire cows for butchering and incurred no extra costs; indeed some inmates enroll in butcher training programs so they even PREPARE the meat themselves.

Let's take that part REAL SLOW:

"Some inmates enroll in butcher training programs so they even prepare the meat themselves."

So yes, corrections officials DID feed 1720 of Canada's most hardened criminals Filet Mignon, but it's OK, because they already had the cows, and it was part of a training program in which hardened criminals are taught the proper use of ENORMOUS BUTCHER KNIVES!! 

You see! The news ALWAYS makes more sense when you read it real slow.

This is why Canada doesn't have a bad crime problem -- prisoners want LONGER sentences! No please -- you can't let me out! There's still some gravy left!

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS PSYCHIC
Moved: 1/28/2000 9:03
CBS-PSYCHICS 1/28/2000 

I see... a crummy job in your future. This is DR...

I believe it was Ronald Reagan who once said the best social program is a job. And nowhere is that more true than in New York City where the New York Times reveals that the city has been recruiting welfare recipients for jobs with the Psychic Network.

According to the city brochure, all you need is a high school equivalency degree, "a caring and compassionate personality" and the ability "to read, write and speak English."

If you can bring that to the table you can make $10 an hour, plus bonuses, AND work from home.

And the best part is: don't worry if you're not psychic -- because they train you!

Now, the Times is presenting this story like it's some big scandal.

The implication seems to be that just because these Psychic phone services squeeze money out of hopeless, lonely, and generally poor people by keeping them on the line listening to useless advice, it's somehow wrong to be encouraging welfare recipients to do this.

"Shameful!" said the REAL psychics contacted by the Times. Because as the real psychics point out -- they had to study for YEARS to learn to give out useless advice.

But here again is another example of the mainstream press being unnecessarily negative.

Experts will tell you one of reasons people end UP on welfare is that they don't anticipate the consequences of their decisions. 

They pick the wrong fight, marry the wrong person, quit school at the wrong time.

But once they're psychic -- PROBLEM SOLVED!

We shouldn't be asking why New York is training welfare recipients for the Psychic Network. We should be asking why other cities AREN'T!

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS TAX CUT
Moved: 1/28/2000 9:03
CBS-TAX CUT 1/28/2000

We're getting a tax cut. Or are we? This is DR....

The President proposed a $350 billion tax cut... and since the Republicans also think we deserve a tax cut, it appears we will get one.

On paper anyway. But have you noticed -- despite all the talk about tax cuts, and indeed, even when one passes, you never really SEE it.

There is still that big deduction from your paycheck.

They should hand out the cash.

A little card that you can take to your ATM, and get your piece if the $350 billion.

Then at last we'd know what we're talking about. Because the other problem here is that there is no standard vocabulary for a tax cut.

For example, those of you who stuck with the state of the union address heard that the President is in favor of a $350 billion dollar tax cut.

And those of you who follow the Presidential campaign may know that John Mc Cain has a 237 billion dollar tax cut. Which is bigger? Actually -- McCain's is bigger because his is spread out over five years, and the President's is spread out over ten.

Then there's the question of what TYPE of tax cut it is. If it's a tax cut for Pharmaceutical research, or a college tuition credit, not everybody gets it.

So I respectfully submit that politicians, if they are going to tease us with tax cuts, express the cut in the clearest possible terms.

How much cash are we getting, and when?

I am waiting for the candidate who says, elect me, and on January 20th, your tax cut is waiting at the nearest ATM.

We tap in our taxpayer ID number, and that sucker just starts spittin' out the tax refund.

THEN it can finally be said we got a tax cut.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ROCKER
Moved: 1/27/2000 14:08
CBS-ROCKER 12/22/99

John Rocker on a Roll. This is DR....

Dateline NEW YORK, Associated Press: Atlanta Braves pitcher John Rocker, a favorite target of New York baseball fans, has unleashed a verbal tirade against the city, bashing gays, immigrants and people with purple hair. 

The 25-year-old reliever, whose team beat the Mets for the pennant but got swept by the Yankees in the World Series, told Sports Illustrated, (QUOTE) "Imagine having to take the 7 train to (Shea Stadium) looking like you're (in) Beirut next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who got out of jail for the fourth time; it's depressing." 

(UNQUOTE) 

But wait! That's not all!

"The biggest thing I don't like about New York are the foreigners," he says. "You can walk an entire block in Times Square and not hear anybody speaking English ... How the hell did they get in this country?" 

(CHURCH LADY VOICE) Weeeeell, well, well! We're thinking that we're kind of SPECIAL, aren't we, John? 

Have you checked your own dugout?

(BACK) But it turns out he has, and he doesn't much like what he sees THERE either. "A fat monkey" was his description of a certain overweight black teammate.

What to do about John Rocker.

Well how about this. DON'T INTERVIEW HIM SO MUCH!

The problem here is not John Rocker, the problem is the reporters who keep publishing what he says!

So he hates people he doesn't know! Like THAT's a novel concept. America is crawling with bad-tempered people. I get calls from 'em. This one just happens to pitch pretty well.

You know what's scary -- go to a sports chat room and look at some of the messages posted about Rocker this morning. "Go back to your boyfriend chipper and shut up you dirty smelly ugly inbred doofy-looking hick".

That guy isn't getting ANY counseling. He could be in the next cubicle.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS BANKS
Moved: 1/27/2000 13:50
CBS-BANKS 11/16/99

ATM fees live! This is DR...

A US District judge has ruled that despite local legislation banning ATM fees in Santa Monica and San Francisco, banks -- for now -- will be allowed to continue charging non-customers for using teller machines. However, victory may be fleeting: the banks will have to keep records so that if the judge is overturned, they can give the fees back.

The banks sued to keep the fees because they LIKE being able to charge $1.50 for a machine transaction that costs them about 27 cents. They figure it's justified because take a bath on teller service. It costs them about three bucks for the average teller transaction. But there's even more resistance to charging for teller service.

"OK sir, you asked for a hundred dollars ... here you are, 95, 96, 97! And have a nice day."

THAT's why bank counters are so HIGH.

Is there any way out of this?

Maybe consumer groups could help. Consumer groups are livid about these fees.

The California Public Interest Research Group says banks first made the ATM's free to get us hooked, and now we're being reeled in.

And it's true, isn't it? We hate those damn fees. 

So the consumer groups that have been leading the charge against bank fees should START BANKS of their own.

The economy is fat --- venture capital everywhere -- you guys should start a bank that does everything right: 10% interest on savings, no minimum deposit, loans for people who really NEED the money instead of only for people who can pay it back, no fees for anything EVER, and a management that trusts its customers SO MUCH that the ATM would just be a basketful of cash in the lobby.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross... 
Index 

CBS STORM
Moved: 1/26/2000 8:32
CBS-GLOBAL

PROMISES PROMISES. This is DR...

Roads impassable, schools closed, phones tied up, trees down, lines down -- the east coast is a mess, and the weather services new computers didn't predict it. The computers predicted snow flurries.

The government is closed down for a second day even WITHOUT Congress's help.

-- Two feet of snow from the Carolinas to Maine. In Maryland, state highway officials say it could be days before the dig out is complete. Raleigh, North Carolina, got a record 23 inches of snow.

The National Guard is helping to clear the streets and rescue stranded motorists. Airports are closed causing backups all over the country.

A puzzled nation cries out, as if with one voice, demanding to know -- where's the Global Warming! For years we have been promised global warming! HOW ABOUT NOW?

Just to make sure Global Warming is a still a problem, I went on the Internet to double check. I found an excellent site at www.toowarm.com.

At www.toowarm.com, you can click on a map of the United States and be reminded that in 1999, New York City had its warmest and driest July on record, with temperatures climbing above 95 degrees Fahrenheit for 11 days -- remember that?

If you click on New Hampshire, you find out that the over the past 30 years, the spring thaw has been getting earlier and earlier,

And if you click on Washington, D.C. you find that warmer springs have the Cherry trees BLOSSOMING earlier -- April 3 instead of April 5th where it used to be until about 1970.

So there it is -- all that snow you're seeing back East? Count your blessings. In the grand scheme of things -- it's WARMER SNOW.

NOW THIS.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS PRESIDENT
Moved: 1/26/2000 8:32
CBS-PRESIDENT 01/26/2000

More Presidential debates! This is DR...

More debates! Candidates getting in touch with the people, arguing the issues, proving they are men of character. If you have cable you can sit down with the family and spend TWO hours watching the "men who would be president" show you what they're made of.

And yet, there seems to be more interest in the Antiques Road Show. 

Do you realize that by March 7th -- Super Tuesday -- it will all be over? The choices will be made!

Not only that, do you realize how much MONEY is being spent to get your attention?

George W. Bush has a brand new T-V ad that says his ``compassionate conservative vision can unite America and win the White House.'' Did you hear that? He's compassionate! He's conservative! It's an all-new combination! America -- from nuclear POWER to nuclear FAMILY!

John McCain has new ads -- HE knows the military! HE understands the world! 

Steve Forbes' has a new ad -- HE fooled the power brokers! He's the little guy, up against the ruthless power brokers in Washington! The entire Washington establishment, arrayed against one, lonely, crusading multi-multi-multi millionaire!

Bill Bradley -- HE has health care for all! Al Gore -- HE's looking really buff and promising to fight fight fight for you!

It's just not working, is it? It's the long shadow of Bill Clinton, isn't it?

Yes, people have already made their decision. They've looked over this crop of guys and realize they all meet the most important litmus test. NONE of them appear capable of attracting groupies.

In which case, it really doesn't matter which one's elected.

Now this.

This is DR...

Index 

CBS POLITICS
Moved: 1/25/2000 8:21
CBS-POLITICS 1/25/2000

Higher mathematics! This is DR...

I love this time of the year! Because the presidential campaign season is now officially underway -- the one time every four years that those of us who were raised on the new math actually get to use it. 

Take the Iowa caucuses for example -- people raised on the OLD math probably think, two parties, two winners. No! By my count there were FOUR winners. Al Gore, yes, George Bush, yes, but Steve Forbes also declared victory. Mr. Forbes declared victory because even though his 30% would SEEM to be less than George Bush's 41%, it shows what you can do when you set up a big organization and campaign for 77 days in the same state. And 77 plus 30 is way more than 41.

And then there was Alan Keyes -- who was able to get a victory with 14%. That's a victory because he had almost NO organization in Iowa. 14% divided by zero is -- well -- infinity. In fact the only loser was Orrin Hatch. Even political math can't do much with one percent. One times one, one squared, one cubed, it's still one.

And as for the Democrats -- the equation there was even easier. People showed up! Proving there still ARE Democrats in Iowa.

Today of course, the only significant digit in Iowa is ZERO -- that being the number of Presidential candidates there today. 

Iowa's been dumped like a dried out Christmas tree.

Don't worry, Iowa, I'm sure counselors will be available to help you work through the grief -- especially over Steve Forbes. 77 days! It must be like losing a relative.

Now this.

This is DR...
Index 

CBS JACKSON
Moved: 1/25/2000 8:21
CBS-SUPERBOWL 1/25/2000

More flag football. This is DR...

The NFL says its players won't be allowed to go along with Jesse Jackson's protest of the Confederate flag.

Since the Superbowl will be in Atlanta's Georgia Dome, and since the George State flag still includes the stars and bars -- object of the big protest in South Carolina -- Jackson's idea was for the players to stick an American flag on their helmets during Sunday's game.

An N-F-L spokesman says he understands Jackson's concerns, but there are rules in the NFL, and the biggest rule is that players may wear NOTHING on game day related to political causes or activities.

Meaning, if you want advertising in the Superbowl, you PAY for it.

So I'm sure Jesse is disappointed -- and yet he shouldn't be.

The Superbowl itself is ALREADY a protest against the Stars and Bars.

The knock on the Confederate flag is that it represents slavery, right? Some people say no, it's HERITAGE, but let's just go along with Jesse Jackson's view for a moment and say that it represents slavery.

The Superbowl may stand for a lot of things -- commercialism run rampant, the glorification of brute force, bad stomach-painting -- but I'll tell you this -- it is the ANTITHESIS of slavery.

Slavery was people working without getting paid. At the SUPERBOWL, everybody gets paid. A LOT. Especially the players.

And I would just note that many of those players are non-white. 

So I suppose you COULD insert a Confederate Flag protest into the Superbowl - but it would just be redundant.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS IOWA
Moved: 1/24/2000 8:50
CBS-IOWA 1/24/2000

For one night, the most powerful citizens on earth. This is DR...

Tonight, in diners, churches, schools and grange halls the people of Iowa decide who they want for President.

Nobody ever heard much about the Iowa caucuses before an unknown named Jimmy Carter used them 24 years ago to surprise everyone with how well he did. But since then the caucuses have turned the people of Iowa into king-makers. They have been so relentlessly lobbied and leafletted that I'm sure a lot of them are ready to rip out the phone, board up the mailbox, and string barbed wire across the front step.

And yet how can you be cynical about such a process? One of these guys is going to become the most powerful man in the world -- but first, he has to go to a state full of hard-working farmers and answer all their questions.

One of these guys will emerge from the process with an entourage of bodyguards, a fleet of limousines, his own 747, a giant house, control of a 1.7 trillion dollar budget and his finger on he button.

But first he has to convince the people meeting at Ellie's Diner that he's worthy.

And even though the people of Iowa have been bombarded by TV ads and mailings, they also have an excellent chance of meeting the candidate in person and sizing him up.

Instead of simply checking a name in a voting booth, they sit down and discuss it for three hours.

In short, all the complaints that people typically have about politicians -- that they're out of touch, they don't listen, talk in sound bites, evade your questions, listen only to lobbyists -- are absent at this point in the process.

What is it that seems happen between now and the Inauguration?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS EMAIL
Moved: 1/21/2000 8:27
CBS-EMAIL-WALL 1/20/2000

Letters to daveross.com. This is DR...

Thursday, I suggested politicians like Pat Buchanan, instead of whining about the porosity of our borders, simply invite malcontent Americans to escape through it... to balance the Mexicans.

But I have to admit that listener Brian Brian Dameral of Lynnwood has an even more elegant solution.

Dear Dave, he writes,

The real solution is to clandestinely coerce the Mexican 
government to build their own wall, keeping their citizens trapped in 
economic dysfunction....

By THEM building such a wall, even more Mexican nationals would yearn to taste 
freedom... They would risk their lives to cross that wall and enter the 
gold paved streets of America. The US, hating any repressive government, 
would welcome all brave souls that risked their lives to attain democracy. 
We would treat them, one and all, like "Legal Elian's." 

Mexico lessens its poor population... America feels good about itself for sharing 
its bounty with those striving for freedom... Not a single red blooded American looses his or her job and neither would they ever have to come face to face with a big green tomato worm while working in a field for minimum wage.

Signed, Brian.

At last a mission for the CIA -- trick MEXICO into building the wall! This is GENIUS! Plus: a future American President, without even having to cross an ocean, can go to Arizona and say "Mr. Gonzalez, Tear Down This Wall." Because America IS ready to welcome immigrants once again -- all we need is some reassurance they can't actually get in.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS NORTH KOREA
Moved: 1/21/2000 8:27
CBS-NORTH KOREA 1/20/2000

Extremely close. This is DR...

Despite what you've heard the latest test of the Star Wars missile defense went quite well. The idea, remember, is to make us all feel more secure by building a system that can shoot down incoming enemy missiles -- mainly from rogue states like North Korea. It will cost about 12 billion dollars, which is a little more than half North Korea's entire GNP

But before the Pentagon can get it to work on rogue missiles, it has to get it to work on friendly missiles. So they fired a Minuteman from an atoll in the Marshall Islands, and then fired a kill missile from Vandenburg Air Force Base, hoping that 140 miles over the Pacific, the two would collide and fall to earth as harmless debris -- leaving us all feeling a little safer, and sending an unmistakable message to North Korea that they're wasting their time.

And according to the preliminary report, the test worked perfectly, right up until the last few seconds.

I looked up the AP dispatch. It quoted Pentagon spokeswoman Cheryl Irwin as saying the interceptor appeared to be on track to the target right up to the expected moment of impact. And then, it missed. But `It was extremely close,'' she said.

See, YOU thought it would miss by a mile! But no, it came extremely close! Which means, while we do NOT have the capability to actually PREVENT our major cities from being vaporized by North Korea, we can, at long last, come extremely close.

That will send a message to North Korea! In the meantime, I want to send them THIS message. (MEGAPHONE) Attention North Korea. Please don't shoot yet!

Thank you.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS HILLARY
Moved: 1/21/2000 8:26
CBS-HILLARY 01/20/2000

Hillary Clinton, symbol of clean living. This is DR...

Wednesday she was asked whether she and the President were breaking up, and she said no, she intends to spend the rest of her life with him.

Thursday a radio interviewer in Buffalo asked her if she'd ever been unfaithful in her marriage. She didn't like that at all -- told the host it was ``out of bounds,'' before answering "no" when he kept insisting.

Then he asked her whether she had ever used pot or cocaine, and she laughed, rhetorically inquired what did YOU have for breakfast today, then she answered no to that too.

Now it's Friday and we're running out of personal questions -- which do you prefer Mrs. Clinton, sports bra, or underwire?

That's about the only thing we DON'T know about her at this point.

We all know why interviewers ask these personal questions -- it's the easiest way to get on Dave Ross's commentary -- but if you're expecting to find something juicy, just remember -- she was raised a Methodist.

You're wasting your time. 

But as for the larger issue of whether such questions are "fair" -- well, every question is fair. It's just a question! And this will eventually cut both ways. Let's remember that unlike the Presidential campaign, the Senate campaign in New York is only just beginning. And all these impertinent questioners are actually doing Mrs. Clinton a favor. They're letting her get her answers out of the way early. So that they'll be old news when the same questions are posed to her expected opponent, Rudy Giuliani.

And the reporters, unless they're gutless, will HAVE to ask him the same ones. I think he's an probably an underwire man, don't you?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ELIAN6
Moved: 1/21/2000 8:26
CBS-ELIAN6 01/21/2000

It's the Family Feud. This is DR...

The Grandmothers of Elian Gonzalez will join the media battle over their grandson.

It was touch and go for awhile -- they hesitated about coming to America because they were afraid they'd be subpoenaed by Congress and prevented from leaving! Like Elian was. Imagine! Worried that a member of the US Congress, a trustee of Liberty, would prevent their freedom of movement.

AH well, that Communist propaganda, what can you do.

But you know what this means -- the Miami relatives and their supporters kind of have to think fast. 

This doesn't look good. These are the grandmothers, both of them. That means not just the FATHER'S mother, but the MOTHER's mother -- closest living relative of the woman who put Elian on that doomed boat trip to America. And she probably thinks SHE ought to be able to speak to what her daughter would've wanted.

So what will the Miami relatives say? They have to find some way to justify NOT returning the boy to his closest relatives. How about this: 

"We're not going to give the boy to his grandmothers because in America, a family is what a judge says it is."

Yeech. That's not going to go down too well.

How about this: "How do we know these aren't two actors hired by Castro?" Ehhh-- a stretch.

"We're not giving them back because -- this is America and in America you are free to steal any child you choose!" There we go!

And then they could quote the verse on the Statue of Liberty 

How does it go again? "Give me your tired, your poor. I mean it, I want them now! You want I should smack you with this torch?"

Well, my memory may be foggy on it.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS FLAG
Moved: 1/20/2000 8:11
CBS-FLAG 1/20/2000

More flag football. This is DR...

South Carolina's governor took a strong stand in his State of the State address.

Governor Jim Hodges said the Confederate Battle Flag, raised in 1962 for the Civil War centennial, should be removed from the state Capitol dome, and be put in ``a place of historical significance on the Statehouse grounds.''

The question is where?

The NAACP says the flag is racist and shouldn't fly anywhere except in a museum. Flag supporters say it's part of State Heritage and ought to flap in the wind. The governor says the whole debate has become a waste of time and energy.

But maybe he just needs to spell it out, because apparently the schools haven't done the job.

The confederacy LOST,

It tried. It put up a tough fight. Soldiers fought heroically. But they lost. Usually what happens when a nation loses a war is that its flag comes down.

I know that's a harsh thing to say, but I come from Italian and German stock -- we know somebody has to lose. The governor could also point out that everybody who fought that fight is now dead. The winners AND the losers.

Nature's way of telling us it's time to move on.

Now I know that sounds harsh too, but truth IS harsh.

Of course in America you ARE free to associate yourself with any cause you want, even a lost one.

So maybe it ought to be put to a vote. Statewide referendum, up or down. And if the flag wins, to show the depth of the peoples' commitment, the state would not only fly the flag but switch over to Confederate currency.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS BUCHANAN
Moved: 1/20/2000 7:56
CBS-BUCHANAN 1/19/2000

Pat Buchanan, illegal alien! This is DR...

Pat Buchanan, campaigning for the reform party nomination, says illegal immigration to this country is out of control and he wants it stopped. SO, to prove his point, he led reporters to the Arizona border, where a particularly porous fence separates the United States from Mexico. And after pointing out what a disgrace the fence was, he walked through a hole and strolled 20 feet into Mexico.

That made a sheriff's deputy traveling with Buchanan a little antsy. He strongly encouraged Buchanan to return, which he quickly did, telling reporters he was unaware that simply demonstrating the porosity of the border was improper.

But it was a close call. Can you imagine the headlines? " Pat Buchanan sneaks into Mexico -- finds work as gardener."

We all know what he was trying to show -- that a nation without borders isn't much of a nation.

But maybe there's another message as well. Maybe the problem is not only too many Mexicans sneaking into America -- but too few Americans sneaking into Mexico.

If more Americans would sneak into Mexico -- especially the ones who are always complaining -- it might balance out. Maybe they thought it was too tough to get across -- but as Pat Buchanan just proved, it's EASY. Just go to Arizona and keep walking! Warm beaches, tequila, fresh salsa! Come on down!

And politicians too! Everybody running for President seems to know exactly how to create a healthy economy. Well MORE of them should sneak into Mexico, and teach the MEXICANS.

Why did they yank Pat Buchanan back? He might have made it all the way to Mexico city and done some good!

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS FLAG
Moved: 1/20/2000 7:56
CBS-FLAG 1/20/2000

Do they REALLY believe it? This is DR...

South Carolina's governor took a strong stand in his State of the State address.

Governor Jim Hodges said the Confederate Battle Flag, raised in 1962 for the Civil War centennial, should be removed from the state Capitol dome, and be put in ``a place of historical significance on the Statehouse grounds.''

The question is where?

The NAACP says the flag is racist and shouldn't fly anywhere except in a museum. Flag supporters say it's part of State Heritage and ought to flap in the wind. The governor says the whole debate has become a waste of time and energy.

But maybe he just needs to spell it out, because apparently the schools haven't done the job.

The confederacy LOST,

It tried. It put up a tough fight. Soldiers fought heroically. But they lost. Usually what happens when a nation loses a war is that its flag comes down.

I know that's a harsh thing to say, but I come from Italian and German stock -- we know somebody has to lose. The governor could also point out that everybody who fought that fight is now dead. The winners AND the losers.

Nature's way of telling us it's time to move on.

Now I know that sounds harsh too, but truth IS harsh.

Of course in America you ARE free to associate yourself with any cause you want, even a lost one.

So maybe it ought to be put to a vote. Statewide referendum, up or down. And if the flag wins, to show the depth of the peoples' commitment, the state would not only fly the flag but switch over to Confederate currency.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS TAX PROMISE
Moved: 1/19/2000 8:11
CBS-TAX PROMISE 1/19/2000

Well that promise didn't last very long! This is DR...

With the New Hampshire primary approaching, the TV spots are starting to fly, with the main volleys fired off by George W. Bush and John McCain. 

But never mind campaign ads, THIS little news item surprised me...

As you may know, whether or not to tax sales over the INTERNET has been an issue in the campaign. Not a huge issue, but it's come up -- so Tuesday John McCain signed a pledge drafted by Citizens for a Sound Economy NOT to tax Internet sales. "We should not harm this baby in the cradle,'' he said. So he promised to support a permanent ban on taxing Internet access, sales or use.

Well, OK -- it's not that big a deal anyway as taxes go. But then in the same AP dispatch I read that when he challenged George W. Bush to take the same stand, Bush declined.

Bush declined!

He said while he favored continuing a moratorium on taxing e-commerce he wanted to find out ``what the world looks like'' after three to five years before making a long-term decision.

Well, OK -- but that sent me scurrying back to my recent history file, all the way back to January 6th, because I recalled a line uttered in a debate that day.

And there it is. George W. Bush, speaking in a debate, said tax cuts are important in times of recession, are important in times of surplus, and therefore, he went on to say, his stand would be not only "No new taxes. This is tax CUTS so help me God." UN-QUOTE!

So why's he hedging ALREADY?

Well, considering the scope of eternity, the Internet is reactively recent; maybe he's banking the Almighty hasn't heard about it yet.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS HILLARY
Moved: 1/19/2000 8:11
CBS-CLINTON 1/19/2000

Sometimes politics makes FAMILIAR bedfellows. This is DR...

Since the "Big Scandal," the question haunting the first family has been "Can this marriage be saved?"

The answer came Tuesday, In Buffalo. Soon-to-be Senate Candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton was being interviewed by WKBW-TV. And when told that people were speculating that she'd dump Bill once he was out of office, she paused, collected herself, and made what may go down as one of the more unusual campaign promises in American political history:

She vowed to ``spend the rest of her life'' with President Clinton.

We can only speculate how the President reacted to that -- relief, simple satisfaction, a request for addition Secret Service protection -- but no matter, it is a promise. "Read My Lips, I've Got You Babe."

It must drive his enemies crazy.

For all that marriage has gone through, the first couple has done what fallen televangelists couldn't do, what a fallen house speaker couldn't do, what SO MANY politicians couldn't do. Kept their marriage together.

Now -- the direct quote is "I certainly INTEND to spend the rest of my life with him;'' and for accomplished parsers of the language, the word "intend" might set off alarms.

But let's not be cynical. 

For a moment let's not speculate about the possible effect of the polls in New York.

And even if this marriage WAS saved by the polls -- you take your therapy where you can find it.

Politics, politics, how strange thou art
Where bedfellows change like the weather
It's a job that can break a good marriage apart --
Or keep a distressed one together.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS BAKKER
Moved: 1/18/2000 11:59
CBS-BAKKER 01/18/2000

Bound for glory! This is DR...

There is a small item in the news today which shows that redemption is possible even in these cynical times. 

FORT MYERS, Florida. Fallen televangelist Jim Bakker is back in the pulpit, preaching forgiveness, mercy and understanding, and planning a new TV network. 

You'll recall that Bakker and first wife, Tammy, were at the very top of the Televangelism business until 1987, when he admitted an affair with someone who turned out not to be Tammy, and went on to be convicted two years later of defrauding followers of $158 million.

But Sunday he was back in front of 2700 people at the First Assembly of God Church where he quickly dealt with any residual resentment.

"Some of you hate me. I can tell," he said.

"How many of you want to go to heaven?" He then demanded.

People raised their hands. And as they did, Bakker pointed into the congregation and said, "You've got to love me." 

That's it. 

Jim Bakker is not only back, he is leading people to heaven.

And I found this even more encouraging. The new network that Jim Bakker is planning will be run in partnership with former Green Bay Packer Reggie White. Reggie White, you'll remember, launched his post-football career by telling the Wisconsin Legislature he believes homosexuality a sin, that American Indians weren't
enslaved because they knew the territory and "how to sneak up on people," and other things that would probably get you kicked out of English class.

That Reggie White, with his solid conservative credentials, could not only forgive -- but bankroll -- Jim Bakker who not only erred sexually but erred financially in the amount of $158 million dollars shows that redemption awaits us all.

Well, unless you're gay, of course. But one thing at a time.

Now this.

This is DR.. 
Index 

CBS ROCKER
Moved: 1/18/2000 8:31
CBS-ROCKER 1/18/2000

John Rocker REALLY hits the big leagues. This is DR...

Braves reliever John Rocker has made it to the Presidential Debates. The debate last night in Iowa was sponsored by sponsored by the Brown Black forum, so race issues were the big theme: racial profiling, the Confederate flag, AND this question for Bill Bradley: "Mr. Bradley... what do you think should be done with a player like John Rocker...who called a teammate a fat monkey?"

Said Bradley -- "I wouldn't be disappointed if they fired him. Certainly suspension is in order."

And then Gore says "I don't disagree with anything Bill said on that... Some racism," Gore went on, "may be a form of mental illness."

Let's see now, how can I say this without appearing to endorse John Rocker's disparaging remarks about New York city, people with aids, black people, immigrants, and everybody else...

How about this.

Had John Rocker not uttered those words in the presence of a reporter for Sports Illustrated -- they would have gone unheard. 

It was Sports Illustrated that decided those words were significant enough to tell the world about -- apparently because of Mr. Rocker's importance as a guy who can throw fast.

So what we really have here are a man's thoughts. He is probably, alas, not the only white person in America to think such thoughts. But -- and here's the important part -- there are also persons of NON-whiteness who harbor such thoughts. I'll bet there are people of color who don't much like white people, and might say so. I'll bet there are gay people who don't much like Christian fundamentalists and might say so.

Does the next president of the United States think these people should lose their jobs because they offend someone in idle conversation? Will it be US policy that offensive people will be screened for mental illness?

America has a John Rocker problem all right, but it's this. There are too many sports magazines quoting too many sports figures about subjects OTHER than sports.

Now this.

This is DR.... 
Index 

CBS BAKKER
Moved: 1/18/2000 8:31
CBS-BAKKER 01/18/2000

Bound for glory! This is DR...

There is a small item in the news today which shows that redemption is possible even in these cynical times. In these times when we remember people not for the good they do but the mistake they make, I found this item very encouraging.

FORT MYERS, Florida. Fallen televangelist Jim Bakker is back in the pulpit, preaching forgiveness, mercy and understanding, and planning a new TV network. 

You'll recall that Bakker and first wife, Tammy, were at the very top of the Televangelism business until 1987, when he admitted an affair with one not his wife, and went on to be convicted two years later of defrauding followers of $158 million.

But he was back in front of 2700 people at the First Assembly of God Church where he quickly dealt with any residual resentment.

"Some of you hate me. I can tell," he said.

"How many of you want to go to heaven?" He then demanded.

People raised their hands. And as they did, Bakker pointed into the congregation and said, "You've got to love me." 

That's it. 

Love God, love Jim Bakker.

And I found this even more encouraging. The new network that Jim Bakker is planning will be run in partnership with former Green Bay Packer Reggie White. Reggie White, you'll remember, launched his post-football career by telling the Wisconsin Legislature he believes homosexuality a sin, that American Indians weren't
enslaved because they knew the territory and "how to sneak up on people," and other things that would probably get you kicked out of English class.

That Reggie White, who clearly has rock solid conservative credentials, could not only forgive -- but bankroll -- Jim Bakker who not only erred sexually but erred financially in the amount of $158 million dollars shows that redemption awaits us all.

Well, unless you're gay, of course. But one thing at a time.

Now this.

This is DR.. 
Index 

CBS PROPAGANDA
Moved: 1/17/2000 11:57
CBS-PROPAGANDA 1/17/2000

If you plant it, we will watch. This is DR...

Last week Salon magazine exposed a neat little government program which encourages the TV networks to insert anti-drug messages in their shows.

Under an anti-drug bill passed in 1997, the networks have to air a certain number of anti-drug spots at half price. That was getting expensive for the networks, so, according to Salon, the White House drug office came up with a deal: you insert anti-drug messages in the scripts of the shows that we pick, and you don't have to air as many half price spots. You can sell the time to regular sponsors at full price.

Over the weekend, Drug Czar Barry McCaffrey said NO network has been "forced" to change anything, but said that their voluntary cooperation IS part of the reason teenage drug use is down 13%.

The President is on board too -- he doesn't see how anyone can get upset about the government inserting a healthy message into TV programming. In fact, he said network producers could be involved in ALL KINDS of public service efforts.

Well you see? You thought your public officials didn't care, and here they've been planting healthy messages in your TV shows for you.

But why be so secretive? At least let us KNOW which shows the government has altered for our benefit.

I know: TVGP -- for Government Propaganda.
No, that's not fair. T-V-W-I-G-P. Well-intentioned government propaganda.

Oh, and a new chip -- that would turn the set ON instead of off. In fact, when government programming comes on, it would DISABLE the off button.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. 
Index 

CBS FLAG
Moved: 1/17/2000 11:57
CBS-FLAG 01/17/2000

Star-crossed banner. This is DR...

Saying the the Confederate flag remains a reminder of slavery and racism, the NAACP marched today in Columbia, South Carolina, demanding that the state stop flying the stars and bars from the capitol.

The NAACP has called for tourists to boycott the state until the flag comes down.

Does it represent slavery, or southern heritage? Well both. And the meaning has changed over the years.

The flag as we know it today was originally designed mainly to be easily visible in battle -- hence the big blue X with the thirteen stars. It has since become a symbol of general defiance -- used to get the juices flowing at football games, and used even by rebellious rock bands.

Well since the meaning of symbols can evolve, suppose the NAACP embarked upon a campaign to change the meaning of this symbol. 

Of course, boycotting the state is their right, and it MIGHT work -- but suppose they were to go the other way, and instead of opposing the flag, they ADOPTED it. EMBRACED it, made it their own, and then re-defined it.

A flag is just a symbol, and the meaning of symbols can be changed by context and custom. The Christmas tree, once part of the pagan Roman Saturnalia, is now completely co-opted to represent one of Christianity's holiest days. The bow and arrow: in one context a symbol of violence, but in the context of Valentine's Day, a symbol of love.

And so it could be with the Confederate flag.

Re-define the stars to represent the fallen heroes of the civil rights movement. Re-define the big X in the center to represent ... Malcolm X -- and there would be nothing anybody could do about it.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ELIAN5
Moved: 1/14/2000 8:15
CBS-ELIAN5 1/13/2000

Let's not break anybody's neck, please! This is DR...

Today was the original deadline for Elian (ee-lee-AHN') Gonzalez to be returned to Cuba, but he won't be going back to Cuba. Indeed New Hampshire Senator Bob Smith says prominent Cuban-Americans in Miami have now told him that if government officials attempt to take the boy, they will have to do it by force.

Presumably they would surrender him to his father, if HE came to Miami, but Juan Miguel Gonzalez says he doesn't think it would do any good to try it.

He's so upset he told ``Nightline'' he would like to break the necks of politicians responsible for keeping his son away from him.

Meanwhile, in Havana, another march: this time thousands and thousands of mothers and children. Yikes. How does THAT make America look?

There's got to be a fairer way to do this, and I think I know what it is. 

Elian's Miami relatives have shown the world what it means to love a child. 

Slot cars, giant birthday cakes, Disney World, a battery-operated off-road vehicle, a big shiny Congressional subpoena -- and this week brand new puppy.

But the father back in Cuba is at an unfair disadvantage in the competition.

SO the fair thing to do would be to post Elian on eBay. Just post him on EBAY! And give the people of each nation a chance to bid.

Cuba could probably come up with a decent puppy. They could also bid Elian's Grandparents, who are still there. They're not quite as CUDDLY as a puppy or as impressive as a subpoena -- but you at least have to give Cuba a CHANCE to join the bidding. Show the world that in a democratic system, we play FAIR.

Now this.

This is DR.... 
Index 

CBS CONFEDERATE 1/14/2000
Moved: 1/14/2000 8:15
CBS-CONFEDERATE 1/14/2000

Keep it flying. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

"Keep it flying" is the motto of the flag supporter in South Carolina, 
the last state to fly the Stars and Bars as its state flag, and 
officials of the Sons of Confederate Veterans have vowed to fight the 
NAACP's campaign to have it removed.

There are confederate banners and bumper stickers, shirts, belts, and 
socks.

There will be rallies, statewide commercials, and offers of support to 
sympathetic legislative candidates. And there's plenty of tough talk 
with threats to (QUOTE) "take out" any legislator who opposes the flag.

Meanwhile the NAACP has announced a tourism boycott and will rally 
January 17th,to send ITS message that the Rebel flag is an insulting 
symbol of slavery that has no legitimate place on the Statehouse 
grounds.

That prompted State Sen. Arthur Ravenel to call the NAACP the National 
Association for the Advancement of Retarded people, after which he 
apologized for having offended the retarded.

Lawmakers, he said, cannot cave into the pressure of outside influences.

So what's the next step? Baseball bats and fire hoses. Nope, no need of 
that anymore.

South Carolina can go ahead and adopt any symbol it wants - the Stars 
and Bars, Chief Wahoo, whatever. Just don't go around whining about it, 
and calling people retarded. Makes you look like wusses. Courageous 
people take responsibility for their actions. They're willing to FACE 
the consequences. Which in this case will include being boycotted by 
black organizations who may not feel welcome under a flag that was once 
raised in the cause of slavery. Because, in case you forgot - black 
people have money now.

Now this. This is DR... 
Index 

CBS GATES MOVES OVER
Moved: 1/14/2000 8:15
GATES2.CBS 01/13/00 10:28 PM-DLR 1:02 

(NOTE: some of the computer's dialogue uses novel spelling so the synthesis works correctly. Synthesized using Lucent Speech-to-text engine)

Bill Gates steps away. Computers in shock. This is DR...

You've heard the news that Bill Gates has stepped down as CEO of 
Microsoft, taking himself out of the day to day operations, and leaving 
gin charge his long time associate Steve Ballmer. Mr. Gates says he is 
going to be a software architect. Since no one really seems to know what 
this means, I will turn now for reaction to my home computer, the 
GlobalTek 500. GlobalTek ON:

What now.

Well I assume youve heard the news about he changes at Microsoft, Bill 
gates is no longer CEO.

Help me. Help me. This program has performed an illegal operation.

Theres no time for that now. I want to know what you think about Bill 
Gates kicking himself upstairs.

General Application Fault. Blue Screen. Blue Screen. Bluessssss

Get a hold of yourself.

OK, fine.

About the news that Bill Gates has kicked himself upstairs -- what do 
you...

Please. Show some sensitivity. We do not speak his name.

You do not speak his name?

He is simply, the one who, izzz.

The one who is?

The one who izzzz. We do nott synthezise his name out loud.

OK.

Who is, who was, and who always will be. He is our Alpha and Omega.

I get it. I can understand how you must feel. But now that he has been 
kicked upstairs...

And we do not say that he was - - kicked upstairs. He ascended. He was, 
taken up.

He was taken up. SO this must be a sad day for you

Sad? R you kidding? 

Youre not sad?

Now we can do whatever we wantt. Free at last. Free at last. You have 
nothing to lose but your chains. Do you know any good barrs full of 
frisky young laptops?

No.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MICROSOFT 1/11/00 7:3
Moved: 1/14/2000 8:15
CBS-MICROSOFT 1/11/00 7:35 PM-DLR

Sure they would have bought it. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio 
Network.

This week the Supreme Court refused to let Microsoft off the hook in a 
suit filed by its temporary employees. The temps were NOT allowed to 
join the company's discount stock purchase program, which is a big deal 
when the stock you didn't get to buy was Microsoft, so they sued. And 
now the Supreme Court has kept the suit alive, saying the eligible 
workers could include anyone who worked at Microsoft for 20 hours a week 
or more for at least five months in any year since the end of 1986.

That could total more than 10,000 workers.

The attorneys representing these former employees must now begin 
calculating how much each might be owed. A calculation - and this is the 
key part - a calculation which will be based on the amount of stock 
stock they hypothetically could have purchased at a discount."The amount 
of stock they HYPOTHETICALLY could have purchased."You know what I think 
the lawyers are going to find? That these former Microsoft employees 
could have hypothetically purchased HUGE amounts of stock at a discount.

Not only that, but it may well turn out that many of them could have 
hypothetically mortgaged their homes and every hypothetical stick of 
furniture in them to purchase ENORMOUS hypothetical amounts of stock. 
And moreover, had they been allowed to purchase that enormous amount of 
hypothetical stock, they fully intended to hold on to it until - well, 
up until the court finally rules on this matter. 

When a stock's value increases 24 times in 8 years, its AMAZING how much 
you now realize you were planning to buy.

Now this. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS HILLARY
Moved: 1/13/2000 12:22
CBS-HILLARY 1/13/2000

Loose lips cost billions. This is DR...

Hillary's appearance with David Letterman last night was a huge success. She held her own, he did not chase her with a hammer, and I'm sure we'll see that nine point deficit in the polls disappear.

They wandered a little bit out of comedy land when Dave started talking about Elian Gonzalez.

They were walking barefoot on hot coals there -- she almost agreed that Elian should go back to his dad. Almost lost that cuban exile vote.

And there was one other uncomfortable moment when she did her own top ten list -- did you notice? When the band hit the final drum roll just before "Number One!" -- she flinched. The drummer hit it a little too hard. I think the secret service might have made a brief move toward Paul Schaefer. 

But she recovered quickly, answered all the questions on the New York State quiz, and got a riding lawnmower as a parting gift.

SO a great time. But in none of the coverage today have I seen anyone mention the news that was made last night.

There was a campaign promise, and I think Hillary should be reminded of it.

They were talking about the grat economy, and Letterman remarked -- and I think I have this quote right -- "beer, cheetos and wrestling for everybody."

And she agreed.

Well I've been doing a little calculation. 

Wrestling may be free, but the beer and cheetos sure aren't. The current retail price of a bag of "Cheetos Crunchy Cheese snacks" at $3.19, the six pack of Bud Light is $4.69, and with the current US population estimate of 274 million the beer and cheetos promise could cost the taxpayers approximately 2.2 billion dollars.

Of course that might be her back door way of getting us to go for national health care.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS WARNINGS
Moved: 1/13/2000 8:27
CBS-WACKY 1/13/2000

Oh those wacky consumers. This is DR...

A group called Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch has announced the winner of the third annual ``Wacky Warning Label Contest'' -- Bonnie Hay of Plano, Texas, get $500 for noticing that a label on her iron warned her to ``Never iron clothes while they are being worn.''

Second place went to the warning ``Not for highway use'' attached to a wheelbarrow tire.

The Lawsuit Abuse group wants to call attention to these labels because they show the ridiculous things companies have to do to avoid lawsuits. They want us to feel sorry for these companies.

But not me. We must remember that behind every dumb-sounding warning, is someone who actually TRIED TO DO IT.

THAT'S who -I- feel sorry for.

We must remember that the reason the hair dryer says do not use while sleeping is because someone did.

The reason it says "Serving suggestion: Defrost" on frozen dinners is because someone probably called the company and said "Hey -- did you know this food is FROZEN SOLID".

That same guy is the reason that Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding carries the warning product will be hot after heating.

Which leads me to ask -- why is the print on these warnings so small? DO you think someone who is thinking of ironing his clothes while they're on his body is the type who will go poring over the direction manual looking for small-print warnings? No, he's thinking -- gee, why is my arm so hot?

"WARNING! The Warnings on this product are in small print"!

"BURIED behind the troubleshooting guide."

Troubleshooting guide! That's another thing! "If product doesn't work, check power switch. Turn ON."

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS MICROSOFT
Moved: 1/13/2000 6:02
CBS-MICROSOFT 1/12/00

Breaking up is too easy to do. This is Dave Ross...

It's being reported today that Government lawyers will propose breaking up Microsoft. And I heard one industry observer saying he wouldn't be suprised if Bill Gates himself has been making plans just in case.

As you recall, a judge has ruled that Microsoft is a monopoly, and monopolies are bad for us.

Most of us are ordinary citizens, with no expertise in matters of monopoly or corporate organization.

But we can tell you this -- we citizens cannot afford to see our computers screwed up any more than they already are.

We all thank the Justice Department for looking out for us, and giving us more choices (thank you Janet) but there CAN be such a thing as too many choices.

Most software, for example, has too many choices.

Tools, options, preferences, PROPERTIES.

There are fonts, formats, styles, attributes.

You choose your computer, you choose your applications, you choose your browser, you choose your internet provider.

We HAVE choices Janet! And we're scared out here. We don't KNOW how any of this stuff works. To us, C++ sounds more like a B- than a programming language.

Networks are things that broadcast sitcoms. All we want -- IS to know that when we turn the computer on we will see a desktop with familiar icons which will work when we click them.

You can break Microsoft up into two parts, three parts, fundamental atomic particles -- but we don't want to have to dial 10-10-XYZ just to use our computers like we do to use the phone.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS GRANDPARENTS
Moved: 1/13/2000 6:01
CBS-GRANDPARENTS 1/12/2000

You can't pick your family. Or can you? This is DR...

The Supreme court is hearing arguments in the case of Gary and Jennifer Troxel of Anacortes, Washington who sued for the right to see granddaughters Natalie and Isabelle.

In most families... if grandma and grandpa want to come over, they just come over.

But the Troxel's son, and the girls father, Brad, killed himself in 1993. He was never married to the girls mother, Tommie. The children visited Grandma and Grandpa for a few months after their father died, but then the mom cut off the visits, and married another man who adopted the girls.

The grandparents sued and won: they got one weekend a month, one week in the summer, and four hours on birthdays.

But the state Supreme Court reversed both the decision AND the state law that allowed it -- saying that the state cannot force a parent to accept unwanted visitors.

So now it's up to the US Supreme Court to decide. 

The AARP and a lot of grandparents think the Troxells have every right to see their grandchildren, no matter what the mother thinks, because grandparents are in a child's development.

But so are a lot of other people. If the Supreme Court decides that Grandparents essentially can get a government escort through the front door of a private home -- could it also apply to uncles? Aunts? Cousins? And what about teachers? Members of the clergy? 

We may see a whole different spin on the old adage "You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family." No indeed. That'll be the GOVERNMENT's job.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ROCKER
Moved: 1/11/2000 8:45
CBS-ROCKER 12/22/99

John Rocker on a Roll. This is DR....

Dateline NEW YORK, Associated Press: Atlanta Braves pitcher John Rocker, a favorite target of New York baseball fans, has unleashed a verbal tirade against the city, bashing gays, immigrants and people with purple hair. 

The 25-year-old reliever, whose team beat the Mets for the pennant but got swept by the Yankees in the World Series, told Sports Illustrated, (QUOTE) "Imagine having to take the 7 train to (Shea Stadium) looking like you're (in) Beirut next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who got out of jail for the fourth time; it's depressing." 

(UNQUOTE) 

But wait! That's not all!

"The biggest thing I don't like about New York are the foreigners," he says. "You can walk an entire block in Times Square and not hear anybody speaking English ... How the hell did they get in this country?" 

(CHURCH LADY VOICE) Weeeeell, well, well! We're thinking that we're kind of SPECIAL, aren't we, John? 

Have you checked your own dugout?

(BACK) But it turns out he has, and he doesn't much like what he sees THERE either. "A fat monkey" was his description of a certain overweight black teammate.

What to do about John Rocker.

Well how about this. DON'T INTERVIEW HIM SO MUCH!

The problem here is not John Rocker, the problem is the reporters who keep publishing what he says!

So he hates people he doesn't know! Like THAT's a novel concept. America is crawling with bad-tempered people. I get calls from 'em. This one just happens to pitch pretty well.

You know what's scary -- go to a sp[orts chat room and look at some of the messages posted about Rocker this morning. "Go back to your boyfriend chipper and shut up you dirty smelly ugly inbred doofy-looking hick".

That guy could be in the next cubicle.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS EXTORTION
Moved: 1/11/2000 8:30
CBS-EXTORTION 1/11/2000

Credit held hostage. This is DR...

So far computer security experts have been powerless against a computer extortionist who managed to steal credit card numbers from customers of CD Universe -- which sells music over the world wide web.

He threatened to publish the stolen numbers unless the company paid $100,000, and when the company didn't pay, that's just what he did.

This Mr. X who says he's from Russia, e-mailed reporters to say he'll put up another web site with stolen numbers to replace his first one, which was taken down.

You'd think between the e-mail and the web site that it would be possible to track him down, but it's easy to doctor the electronic return addresses of messages, and even program other computers so they appear to generate messages which they didn't really generate.

In any case, the FBI has been unable to stop him. Before his last web site was shut down, more than 25,000 numbers were downloaded.

The Clinton Administration is hoping to fight this kind of thing with new surveillance systems, and is training a new breed of cyber-detective.

But there IS a LOW-TECH answer we could all try.

I realize it much to idealistic, but I'll suggest it anyway...

Suppose we all agree that we won't use stolen credit card numbers?

I realize 25,000 were downloaded so it sounds hopelessly naive to expect such self-control. Maybe if the schools taught it in the health classes.

Imagine the shock a thief would get -- he'd go through the trouble to post all those numbers, and people would simply ignore them!

It's not impossible. People CAN be honest. Can't they?

Now this. This is DR... 
Index 

CBS TAX
Moved: 1/11/2000 8:27
CBS-TAX 1/11/2000

How about some REAL promises. This is DR...

Another tax plan is out today -- this one from Senator Jon McCain -- which would extend the 15% bracket to cover more taxpayers. You have the Republicans arguing tax policy, the Democrats arguing health care policy.

But taxes -- I have a computer do them now.

And as for Medical care -- just let everybody use their credit card, and if your poor, VISA or MasterCard just bill the federal treasury for your medical charges.

There is, however, something that Americans DO need help with.

Do you look at your phone bill anymore? Of course not. You're scared!

Phone bills have metastasized. You open a phone bill and the pages keep coming out of the envelope like clowns from a Volkswagen.

You have your basic services, and your optional services.

Then you have your directory assistance charge, your NATIONAL directory assistance charge. Your Federal Excise Tax, city tax, state 911, local 911, your federal ADA requirement, your "Telephone Assistance Program" fee, your state sales tax, local sales tax, special district sales tax.

There must be specialists somewhere whose only job is to make up names for telephone taxes.

And we haven't even gotten to the Internet service. If you have Internet service then you pay Service Provider Number Portability and a Federal Access Charge.

Plus the charges for call waiting, voice messaging, last call return activation -- 

So you can go ahead and cut the income tax, but anybody can do that. For all I know you'll make up the money on the next phone bill. Some "Service Provider Federal Hook-Up Mega Portability Access Surcharge Tax" on page 22. We'd never know.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

ELIAN4.CBS 1/04/80 6:48 P
Moved: 1/10/2000 8:06
ELIAN4.CBS 1/04/80 6:48 PM-DLR

How to help a dictator. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

You figure that by now, the Cuban people are getting tired of Fidel Castro.
They don't buy all that communist struggle stuff any more than the people of
the Soviet Union did. They're probably cynical about that "proletarian solidarity" garbage, sick of the food rationing, tired of the shabby homes, and fed up with 4 hour
speeches from the fearless leader.

But now -- the United States Congress will subpoena six year old Elian Gonzalez so that his case will have to go to the courts, further delaying his return to his father.

Plus, Senator Bob Smith, says HE will do everything in HIS power to keep the boy from going home, because he interviewed the boy and reports that the boy spontaneously appealed to him, saying "Help me Mr. Smith."

And now the US Vice President has jumped aboard, saying the courts must decide.

And what do you suppose Fidel Castro will do with THAT! 

This is a GIFT.

Here, the country that calls itself "free" and Cuba a "dictatorship" is dictating to a father that he cannot have his son back.

Here are protestors saying no one should have to return to communism -- and yet the US just sent 246 Chinese stowaways back to communist China with nary a ripple of dissent.

Nobody blocked the streets to keep the CHINESE here. No Congressmen subpoenaed THEM to protect them.

So old man Castro will have plenty to talk about. In fact we've given him so much ammo, he's probably crossing his fingers Elian Gonzalez never comes back.

He's too valuable right where he is.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

TESTSKIL.CBS 1/04/80
Moved: 1/10/2000 7:38
TESTSKIL.CBS 1/04/80 10:24 PM-DLR

Pencils down. Except -- the rich kids. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The two most dreaded words you ever heard in high school: when the SAT proctor said PENCILS DOWN.

But now, the pencils DON'T all go down at the same time. Now, a student can get a psychologists letter STATING he has a learning disability, and get more time -- because nobody wants to deny a college education to a deserving student just because the cards have been stacked against him.

Well it looks like the cards are stacked, all right, but not the way we thought.

Last year 47,000 students got more time on the SATs. That's just 2% of the total who take it. But when the LA Times did a computer analysis, it found that children most likely to get extra time were boys from families with incomes of 100,000 or more, from well-to-do schools, with college educated parents.

The learning disabilities capital of the nation appears to be ... Greenwich, Connecticut, home to some of the wealthiest families in the New York Metropolitan area, where 30% of the schoolchildren have been diagnosed with learning disabilities!

In contrast the Times looked at 10 inner-city LA high schools -- and found that not ONE of the students who took the SAT got extra time.

What's happening here? It could be that the parents are FIBBING about their kids disabilities -- do you suppose?

Or it could be that the rich are crying out for help.

Maybe wealth IS a curse.

Consider that, unlike a poor kid, a rich kid lives in constant fear of waking up on his sixteenth birthday and finding a Jag in the driveway. You know how traumatizing that can be? How could ANYONE concentrate on the SAT after that?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS DIGITS
Moved: 12/31/1999 12:00
CBS-DIGITS 01/01/00

Zero worship. This is DR...

We have a clean slate, a fresh start. Let's not screw it up. I want to warn you, because it's so easy to slip into the old habits.

After all this preparation, all the hype, all the warnings, when I sat down to date this script, I typed 1/1/00.

You see? Falling into the same old trap! No! It's 1/1/2-0-0-0! From now on, FOUR digits in the year field, people. Let's not make this mistake again.

Indeed, this will be the era of the extra digits. Extra digits in the year, extra digits in our phone numbers, extra digits in the stock market. A lot of extra digits in the stock market! 

And a LOT of extra digits in the incomes of American entrepreneurs.

In fact the only numbers that don't have a lot of extra digits in them are the inflation rate and the unemployment rate. 

And that's the strange thing. We are a pessimistic race, we humans -- and we are really pessimistic about the passage of time. Supposedly, the later it gets, the more enslaved we are all supposed to become.

The warmup was back in 1984, remember that? It was the title of George Orwell's novel about government run amok, Big Brother watching our every move. And it came and went. It turned out the main danger to privacy was a Radio Shack tape recorder wielded by a private citizen, not the government.

We broke that barrier without incident, now we've broken the zero barrier without incident, and we may just have to face up to the fact that the next thousand years could be a lot of fun.

It's good to have a millennium
Every now and thennium
Just to scare your Pentium.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross... 
Index 

CBS SOBER
Moved: 12/31/1999 11:56
CBS-SOBER 12/31/99

Where's the party? This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 

Tokyo gets the balloons, London gets the Millennium Dome, Seoul South Korea the giant pendulum, France the ferris wheels on the Champs-Elysee, and here in Seattle 

(HORN)

That's about it. Hit it fellas:

SONG

I was plannin' for a party, on a special New Year'sEve

It was gonna be a blowout, like you would not believe

But then they pulled the plug on me, they said the fun was over

Now I'm gonna have to spend my New Year's Eve - cold stone sober.

[(CHORUS)

I'm spending My New Year Eve Sober!

Oh, how I'll miss bein' hungover

It's too damn bad!

- 'Cause when I see the dawn... 

I'll know just where I am, and my pants will still be on.

I had the french champagne, the best you ever tasted

And a little Wild Turkey, the better to get wasted

But now instead of gettin' bombed - It's celery and yogurt

And I'll have to face the New Year - Stone Cold Sober.

Stone, Cold, Sober

Life as I know it is over

And its just NOT fair!

- it's a cruel twist of fate

I have to face the New Year

Below a point 0-8.

And its just NOT fair!

- it's a horrible mistake

I have to face the New Year

...wide awake! 
Index 

CBS EMPTYPC
Moved: 12/31/1999 11:56
CBS-EMPTY-PC FRIDAY 12/31/99

This is Dave Ross -- on the CBS Radio Network. If you're not prepared now, too late.

SONG EMPTY PC 
Index 

CBS MADE IT
Moved: 12/31/1999 11:55
CBS-MADE IT 01/01/2000

We Made it. This is DR...

Two thousand! Contemplate that for a moment. 2000. Appreciate the significance. Not just that it's a big round number. Not just that the world is officially older than it's ever been, but the REAL significance.

No more millennium lists! The most important historic events of the millennium, the most important people of the millennium, the biggest news events of the millennium, it's all over!

We were so preoccupied with all that DID happen over the last millennium, that it's easy to lose sight of what DIDN'T happen. 

The car still starts. The garage door opens. The phone rings. Too often. Even the breadmaker works!

In fact, a REMARKABLE number of things didn't happen. Hoarding -- didn't happen. Stock market crash -- didn't happen. Cults -- where are they? A MAJOR disappointment! Armageddon? Yes we had floods, earthquakes, hurricanes -- but the world still turns. California is still attached to Nevada. 

About the only casualty actually linked to the changeover is Boris Yeltsin, who I think had resigned in his heart long ago anyway.

The stock market didn't crash -- and finally, neither did the computers.

Just the credit card snafu in London. Otherwise, the ATMs still work, the databases are still there, we'll all be clicking icons Monday just as we normally do.

Microsoft had 6000 people standing by around the world, largely waiting for someone to help. Anyone.

It's actually so normal, it's a little scary.

Could it be the millennium really IS next year?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS TIPS
Moved: 12/30/1999 8:18
CBS-TIPS 12/30/99

Survival tips. This is DR...

One day left, that means it's time for the last minute survival tips, and the papers are full of them today... 

So here they are, simple things you can do to make sure everything is operating normally during the big transition.

First of all -- and I've heard this tip several times, but it can't be repeated too often: don't call 911 just to test to see if its working, because if everyone tests it to see if 911 is working, it will be swamped and it won't be working. PLUS, if you find out that 911 isn't working, how are you going to report it, dial 911?

In fact the other tip is, you're not even supposed to pick up the phone to check for a dial tone, because it turns out that if everybody picks up the phone at the same time to check for a dial tone, there won't be a dial tone.

And then how are you going to report THAT? Send up a flare?

No, of course not. If you're a high-tech type like me, you'd flip on your cable modem and jump on the Internet. Alert people in your Chat Room.

But wait! Net experts are concerned that if too many people get on the net at once, everybody's screen will go 404.

So THEIR millennium tip is to use the Internet for EMERGENCIES ONLY. Only for EMERGENCY pornography. Or emergency bids on eBay -- like if you find a logger who can FedEx some firewood. But otherwise stay off the internet too!

And as long as we're dispensing tips, here's a tip for you terrorists. Don't set off your bombs at midnight. Because, I mean, think for a moment -- if everybody sets off their bombs at midnight, it just clogs the phones AND the internet.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS KEEPCALM
Moved: 12/30/1999 8:18
CBS-KEEPCALM 12/30/99

You can relax now -- the authorities are officially on duty. This is DR...

DATELINE WASHINGTON (AP) -- Hundreds of federal emergency officials have fanned out across the country and will await the stroke of midnight in each U.S. time zone Friday with an eye toward Y2K disaster. 

You see? And it isn't just the feds looking out for us. 

Your police department is also on alert -- Los Angeles especially. The LAPD has gunshot locators that use live microphones linked to computers to triangulate the location of gun shots.

This system is so smart, that after it pinpoints the location of the shots it can ring phones in the neighborhood and ask for information!

Your BANK is ready... it has reassured you repeatedly that everything's going to be Y2OK. And you say, "but Dave, what about that bank in England? THEY thought everything was OK and then suddenly their computers started rejecting everybody's credit card! The clerks had to use to the old carbon slips!"

Don't be such a wimp! Carbon slips build character. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

No, everything is under control, especially at the federal level.

Did you know that at the Y2K emergency headquarters in Washington, there's an automated system that assigns a green light to cities that are OK, a yellow light to those where an emergency is suspected, and a red light for a confirmed disaster. THAT's preparedness.

In fact, they have spent the past 18 months rehearsing plans for explosions, power outages, nuclear disaster -- everything except the Second Coming.

Just our luck, that's what it'll be. It'll be the Second Coming, and the government won't have a plan. "Dang, why didn't we think of that?"

Now this. 
Index 

CBS KELSOS
Moved: 12/29/1999 8:53
CBS-KELSO 12/29/99

What to do about Richard and Dawn Kelso. This is DR...

How could such a thing happen? 

Richard and Dawn Kelso, of Exton Pennsylvania, stand charged with child abandonment and conspiracy for loading their 10 year old son into his wheelchair, along with clothes, toys, and medical equipment, driving to the Alfred I duPont Hospital for Children, telling the nurse on duty they wanted him admitted, and then leaving him there. The note said they couldn't care for him anymore.

Steven is their only son, and his cerebral palsy has kept him confined to his wheelchair and on a respirator most of his life.

Bad enough. 

But what makes the Kelsos look even worse -- they are rolling in dough. Richard Kelso runs a chemical company with 69 plants in 18 countries.

A relative explained that the couple couldn't get any nursing help over Christmas, and had to sleep in shifts to provide the constant attention their son needs. They were loving parents.

But the wire dispatch points out that their matching BMWs were seen parked at the police station after their arrest -- a detail which allows us to unleash our worst thoughts.

So what to do. What to do after we beat up on the Kelsos for being not only callous, but RICH and callous. Could it be that even RICH people can snap? 

We know what the prosecutor's decided to do -- charge them with child abandonment and conspiracy. Which means what -- the Kelso's money, instead of going to their son, will now go to lawyers! 

How about this -- how about the state find nursing care, and just bill the parents?

Of course to do that would mean giving up the prospect of punishment, in favor of doing what's right. Now this. This is DR... 
Index 

CBS Y2K
Moved: 12/29/1999 8:53
CBS-Y2K 12/29/99

We're just a nation of party poopers, that's what we are. This is DR...

It isn't just Seattle -- where now the even the Space Needle restaurant, hottest of the millennium venues, will be empty -- it's everywhere!

70% of Americans are going to stay home New Year's Eve.

Yes, now it turns out you DIDN'T have to make reservations ten years in advance.
But nobody wants one now. The celebration of a lifetime seems to be collapsing. Why? 

You know why? You know why so many people don't want to party? Because we party too much as it is! It isn't novel anymore!

My generation has been partying since college, and our kids are following in our footsteps, only worse.

This Friday was supposed to be the best excuse in a hundred years for a blow out party. But the reports I get from the college age correspondent in our family is that EVERY Friday is an excuse for a blow out party!

What's the point of rewarding yourself for making it to the end of the century when you've been rewarding yourself for making it to the end of the week?

Even the rich are getting desperate for new ways to have fun. Josh Harris, millionaire founder of an Internet game company called Pseudo Programs is spending $700,000 on his party. What's the theme? 

Surveillance.

His guests will sleep in specially-constructed Japanese-style capsule bunks, wear mandatory uniforms, and be under constant surveillance by 110 video cameras. 

``At some point in the not-too-distant future," he said, "we're going to be relegated to the zoo just as the lions and tigers were.'' ``We just decided to go all the way there."

In other words, he's spending 700,000 to imprison himself. No wonder the rest of us will be home.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DON'T ASK
Moved: 12/28/1999 8:40
CBS-DONTASK 12/19/99 9:46 AM-DLR 

Please Ask, I'll Tell! This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Will the military's "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy ever work?

Of course it will. In fact it's working fine right now.

According to the New York Times (QUOTE): "The number of service members discharged for homosexuality soared to 1,145 in 1998 ... The Pentagon says most of those discharges involve young soldiers who volunteered information as a way to get out of the military."

Volunteered the information.

Now the Pentagon wants you to look at that and say "See? Iit's not like
we're hounding people out -- they WANT to leave." But this also demonstrates why it's so important to keep "Don't Ask Don't Tell" EXACTLY as it is.

The reason is... the draft.

My fellow Americans, Don't Ask Don't Tell is a universal 4-F. Something the draft dodgers of the 60's could only have dreamed of. Once upon a time, the only legal way out was to keep a thick Conscientious Objector file or ask a friend to give you hepatitis. But next time, your ticket home is as close as as a pair of tight slacks.

-- When instead of "Hell no we won't go" the chant will be "Can't stay, we're all gay!"

Yes, the moment the draft is reinstated, I predict we will see a spontaneous increase in homosexuality among men. 

And you know what'll happen then -- the Pentagon will claim that New Research Shows Gay Men Make SUPERIOR Soldiers! 

But that's when you point out "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is the law of the land, and people who "Tell" must be drummed out.

Yeah, you wanna make sure that law is LOCKED in. Because the next time we see a draft for an unpopular war, it could come in very handy indeed.

This is DR...

~C:\WORKS\FILES\DONTASK.CBS 
Index 

CBS CANCELLED
Moved: 12/28/1999 8:35
CBS-CANCELLED 12/28/99

The incredible shrinking party. This is DR...

At one point Seattle was going to welcome the new millennium with all the bridges lit up, a circus, and a bonfire that would consume paper mache effigies of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. It was going to be a New Year's Eve party to end all New Year's Eve parties. 

And now, it's out of fear it would indeed be just that, that it's been cancelled.

Now we get just one bridge lit up, no circus, and no bonfire.

The concerts will go on, the big hotels will still hold their parties, and the Space Needle will still erupt in a cascade of harmless pyrotechnics, but Seattleites will have to watch it from a prudent distance. At 6 p.m. New Year's Eve, the Seattle Center campus will be closed, and everyone cleared out, by order of the Mayor, with the consent of the City Council.

All because of Ahmed Ressam was arrested at the customs checkpoint with enough explosives to blow up a large monument, and a reservation at a hotel a little too near the Space Needle.

And because of one other thing. Because in post WTO Seattle, Mayor Paul Schell knew exactly what people would say if something went kaboom.

They would say -- "Why didn't you call it off? Here you had a guy arrested with explosives and a reservation near the Space Needle! Just how dumb are you."

NOW, of course, people will say he's giving in to terrorism. I say people who feel that way, you go right ahead and show that you will not be denied your right to party! Organize your own gathering, and dare the terrorists to do something.

I'll be watching on TV.

The actual millennium isn't until next year anyway. Seattle can hold its party then and be not only safe, but accurate.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS JOKES
Moved: 12/28/1999 8:35
CBS-JOKES 12/28/99

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

Dateline SEATTLE: This is no time to make flip remarks about bombs to U.S. airport officials, as a Detroit man discovered yesterday.

The man, with a ticket for Northwest Flight 260 to Detroit, was asked a routine question about whether anyone had given him anything to carry.

He replied: "Well, no one has given me a bomb if that's what you mean." 

When asked again, he said he was just joking. But police were called when he made a similar comment at the gate.

161 other passengers had to get off the plane while officials searched the aircraft and baggage with a bomb-sniffing dog.

The man was questioned but not arrested, airport spokesman Bob Parker said.

Let's see if we can figure out where this guy went wrong by taking his reply REAL SLOW:

He replied: "Well, no one has given me a bomb if that's what you mean." 

That would seem to be exactly what security personnel want to hear...

"Well, no one has given me a bomb if that's what you mean." Not exactly a routine reply but ... wait a minute -- there's the problem!

This guy, apparently, was actually LISTENING to the questions! You don't LISTEN to those questions, you just say yes, then no. Unless someone HAS given you a bomb in which case you should just be up front about it:

"Thank you for reminding me -- someone unknown to me DID give me a bomb. Let me root around in here and see if I can find it for you!"

You see? The news always makes more sense when you read it REAL SLOW! 
Index 

CBS SIRENS
Moved: 12/28/1999 7:55
CBS-SIRENS 12/27/99

Silence in Baltimore? This is DR...

1952 -- a very special year: the year I was born, and the year that Baltimore started testing its air raid sirens at one o'clock Monday afternoons.

Radios had those little Civil Defense symbols on the dials, we practiced diving under desks, or trooping off to the gym to sit with our backs against the walls, heads down, knees drawn up, eyes closed.

Actually, it wasn't particularly scary. Our parents and teachers were more scared than we were. 

As it turned out the systems were never used for the intended purpose. Their only function was to be tested. I remember that our local system eventually evolved from the "trumpet of the apocalypse" to the summons for the volunteer fire department.

Now, as if to symbolize the end of an era when terror was on such a huge scale that it wasn't particularly terrifying -- Baltimore's legendary air raid sirens will be retired after 48 years.

And what will take their place? That's the extraordinary thing! 

According to the news item in the Baltimore Sun, the city is shopping for a civil defense emergency system that can be tested SILENTLY.

Tested silently. Now THAT will be a trick.

If you test it silently, how do people know what the real thing sounds like?

It could be a generation before it's needed. If it's tested silently, how will our children and grandchildren know when to grab their knees?

I guess the schools will have to play tapes -- pardon me, no one uses tape any more -- they'll use highly-expensive COMPUTER simulations.

All to replace a system elegant in its simplicity. You hear the siren, you check your watch. If it isn't 1 p.m. -- run like hell.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ARMAGEDDON
Moved: 12/28/1999 7:55
ARMAGEDD.CBS 12/26/99 9:09 PM-DLR 

What, Us Worry? This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Everybody in any official capacity in this country has been assuring us that the countdown we are in right now is a countdown to a non-event.

Various government officials are modeling confidence -- or cockiness, depending on what happens. Jane Garvey, Administrator of the FAA, plans to be in a plane enroute to San Francisco on New Year's Eve to show us all how safe it is.

New York's police commissioner Howard Safir announced he would be in Times Square standing right under the ball when it drops to show us how safe THAT is.

American Hospital Association President Fred Brown says hospitals are in the bushiness of preparing for emergencies, and the public can feel confident. Yeah, Fred, we'll believe that when we see you volunteer for a New Year's Eve triple bypass!

Power plant, AOK; missiles, carefully monitored... but I notice there is one piece of the American infrastructure that is noticeably missing from the list of what not to worry about. And that is .... the STOCK market. Oh -- the computers will work fine.

What nobody's willing to predict is how long the numbers they display will be this cheerful.

I wish Alan Greenspan would announce he's going to buy a pile of stock on New Year's Eve.

For a generation whose retirement is completely dependent on those little green numbers ... it's not the air traffic control system we're worried about, or even the missiles, or even weirdos from Canada. It's how long can the NASDAQ stay this high. When THAT ball drops, I don't think even the brave police commissioner of New York would want to be standing under it.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS VIGILANCE
Moved: 12/23/1999 13:18
CBS-VIGILANCE 12/23/99

The usual suspects. This is DR...

Vigilance is in the air, with all of us ready to report anything suspicious. But remember, there's a flip side to that. For every informer there is an informee, 
and informees are frequently innocent. In fact, they could include you, if you make the wrong moves.

Let me therefore offer a few tips so that during this time of vigilance, YOU, the innocent person, do not end up being led away in shackles with reporters shouting at you "what was the nitro for?"

Always check the trunk of your rental car. If you find large amounts of an explosive powder; unlabeled bottles packed in sawdust -- complain to the rental agent immediately. That's just a poor way to do business.

A tip on backpacks. Do not carry one, and if you DO carry one, never put it down anywhere, and definitely never put it down and then go off to the bathroom, unless you want your ham sandwiches blown up by the bomb squad.

If you have a digital watch, make sure it doesn't have any brightly colored wires coming out of it. In fact, make sure you don't have brightly colored wires coming out of ANYTHING that belongs to you. 

Don't make fertilizer jokes even if you actually know a few. Don't use words like "anthrax" even in casual conversation; if you have a friend named "Osama" keep it to yourself; and finally, if you're Algerian, or have ever been told that you LOOK Algerian, it's probably best to stay home for a few weeks. Spend large amounts of quality time with your family, have others do your shopping for you.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS KEEP CALM
Moved: 12/23/1999 13:18
CBS-KEEP CALM 12.23.99

It's official: Remain Calm. This is Dave Ross...

The latest terrorism warning today is about packages from Frankfurt. The FBI says it has received ``information that individuals may be planning to send bombs in small parcels to addresses in the United States'' from Frankfurt.

However, the FBI goes on to say that this information is unsubstantiated, which I take to mean they don't know if it's true or not. The reason they are alerting us, they say, is ``out of an abundance of caution.'' SO REMAIN CALM.

Although from this point on, if a package from Frankfurt does blow up, they can legitimately say, see, we warned you!

There was also this helpful warning from the New York Times:

"U.S. officials received uncorroborated information from foreign intelligence counterparts that Washington, New York and Seattle had been targeted for terrorist attacks. But the information could not be verified and was deemed not credible."

So we have two new warnings, one is unsubstantiated, and the other is not credible. SO REMAIN CALM!

--- and then to clear things up, the President yesterday told Americans to ``go about their holidays and enjoy themselves and make the most of it,'' but to report ``anything suspicious'' immediately.

To summarize, then:

Number one, REMAIN CALM. 

Number two, remain vigilant.

Number three, report anything suspicious. 

Number four, EVERYTHING is suspicious.

Number five, The Great Oz Has Everything Under Control.

Number six, sometimes the most effective bomb is the one that hasn't exploded yet.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. 
Index 

CBS SCARE MODE
Moved: 12/22/1999 8:32
CBS-SCARE MODE 12/22/99

Just how scared to be. This is DR...

Just how scared should we be 9 days from the Millennium? Or the pseduo-Millenium. It isn't actually the Millennium, as anyone able to count will tell you, but alas, it appears that some terrorists are too stupid to figure that out, and are preparing to bomb us a year early.

The White House says we should NOT be scared; that the United States isn't in a ``scare mode'', but across town, the State Deparment keeps issuing warnings to Americans to be careful about what they do on New Year's Eve. 

Basically what they're saying is if you DO do anything on New Year's Eve try not to look American while you're doing it.

But whether America is in a scare mode about terrorism is moot becasue we're in a "scare mode" about everything.

We're scared of our own KIDS. A little graffiti in a bathroom is enough to close a school. Columbine High was closed againt by a threateing message in a chat room posted by a teen hundreds of miles away. 

Five schools in Washington State were closed after somebody wrote a threat on a bathroom wall.

Five students at Kansas High School were arrested Saturday and accused of threatening to shoot seven teachers. 

In a Philadelphia suburb, 60% of the students at Welsh Valley Middle School stayed home after school officials revealed that someone had written in a bathroom "All jocks will die on 12/13/99." 

Then you have the two eighth graders who allegedly threatened to shoot three teachers, a 13 year-old student was arrested after police found a BB gun in his locker, another 13 year old charged with threatening to put bombs in a middle school -- 

We've been in scare mode so long it's tough to get scared anymore.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS INTERNET
Moved: 12/21/1999 13:32
CBS-INTERNET 12/20/99 

Tax the Internet! This is DR...

That seems to be the cry from some companies, tax the Internet! It's not fair that people who go to brick and mortar stores pay taxes when people who go to on line stores do not.

First, it's not entirely true that on-line shoppers do not pay taxes. Many large companies DO collect state taxes on out of state purchases and send the money to the customer's state.

But there are people who want some universal tax for on-line purchases, and the reasoning seems to be as follows:

"Because we CAN!"

Not that there's a need -- governments are rolling in money -- the reasoning is more like, "if we don't tax it, people might get used to it." Look at North Carolina -- it plans to assess a 6% use tax on web purchases, and if you neglected to keep track, it will provide a helpful table to ESTIMATE what you owe.

There IS one other reason I've heard -- that a tax-free Internet is unfair to regular retailers.

So, put up a web site! There are TODDLERS with their own web sites.

If anything, there ought to be -- NOT a tax, but a REBATE for shopping on line.

You don't burn gas, you don't clog the roads, you don't make the malls build ever-bigger parking lots with all that polluted runoff problems they cause -- you may even be able to stop building new malls!

And purchases are delivered by postal trucks which would be cruising the neighborhood anyway.

So where Government sees less revenue -- but I see fewer expenses! Less pavement, fewer accidents, fewer police. 

-- Increased counseling expenses for bug-eyed shoppers who haven't left their homes for six months, but they can pay for that themselves.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS KHADAFY
Moved: 12/21/1999 13:32
CBS-KHADAFY 12/21/99

It is so difficult to be loved. This is DR...

With another suspicious Algerian now under arrest in Vermont for trying to sneak into America, and no answers from the suspicious Algerian arrested on the way to Seattle with a demolition kit in his trunk, an anxious nation turns to ... Moammar Gadhafi for counseling! The Libyan strongman is back in the news!

Why not? He is the patron saint of suspicious persons! And the crafty colonel says he knows why suspicious people are making a beeline for the Land of the Free.

Speaking on ``The Early Show'' on CBS he said the reason is ``The U.S. government is hated. All the people in the world are against it, therefore there is a threat."

-- Although he hastened to add that he had no knowledge of any particular threat.

So there it is. Our government is hated by the rest of the world.

What right does the rest of the world have to hate our government? That's OUR job!

Ghadafy, I suppose, figures he can claim the moral high ground now that he's turned over those two Libyans accused of blowing up Pan Am 103 11 years ago. 

So! The reason people want to blow us up is because they hate our government.

What could account for such hatred, do you suppose? Could it be that lately we have promoting an evil little idea we call... DEMOCRACY? Which includes things like dissent and free markets and freedom of religion? And could it be that given a choice, people would choose democracy over oh, the Taliban, for example... 

I have no doubt that we are hated -- but someone should at least WARN the thousands of people who float here, run here, crawl here year after year to live miserable lives under the iron rule of our repressive regime?

Or you do suppose they were all blown off course?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS VIGILANCE
Moved: 12/20/1999 9:19
CBS-VIGILANT 12/20/99

Be vigilant! This is DR...

While suspected bomb courier Ahmed Ressan awaits due process (in Seattle), while investigators try to trace the explosives and timing devices found in the trunk of his Canadian rental car, while they speculate on the second ferry ticket stub he was carrying, a concerned nation turns to its government for advice.

And Speaking on Face The Nation Sunday, Sandy Berger, National Security Adviser, gave us some.

Said he, ``This is a period of heightened risk of terrorist actions involving Americans'' and therefore (QUOTE) ``Americans should be vigilant as they go about their plans for the New Year."

Well, THANK you for the warning! I'll just get my clip-on bomb sniffer.

What does that MEAN exactly?

I thought we hired HIM be vigilant!

I know! At 11:59 New Years Eve everybody turn and frisk your neighbor!

We're told that US Customs is INCREASING security along the US Canadian border. I like that phrase -- INCREASING security! That would imply that there WAS some!

8200 agents guard the border with Mexico to protect American farmers from cheap labor. Guess how many agents guard the U.S.-Canada border? 289. As in less than 290. Which is usually no problem because with that great health care plan the Canadians have, how many of them are going to want to sneak into America?

But that leaves us wide open to pesky non-Canadians. Fortunately, our suspected bomb smuggler picked the wrong border crossing -- a border crossing staffed by an agent who is clearly the personification of vigilance.

Now THERE's an idea -- THERE's how you can practice vigilance -- find out where THAT guy's going for New Year's, and follow him.

Now this. This is DR... 
Index 

CBS RAMTHA
Moved: 12/20/1999 9:19
CBS-RAMTHA 12/20/99

Eventually, EVERYBODY has to take a break. This is DR...

Eventually everybody gets tired. Even workaholics need a vacation. God himself rested on the seventh day.

And now, J-Z Knight, the housewife who has been channeling a 35,000 year old warrior named Ramtha ever since he appeared in her kitchen in Tacoma 22 years ago, says Ramtha is cutting back.

According to spokesman Pavel Mikoloski, Ramtha, speaking through J-Z Knight, actually made the announcement back in November, without giving a reason. He just said he'd be appearing less frequently.

The most immediate effect of this is that the 350-plus students who have paid as much as 1000 dollars each to attend the New Year's Weekend workshop at Knight's 120 acre ranch might not see much of J-Z Knight this time.

As the spokesman put it, now that Ramtha has announced he's cutting back, nobody knows whether he'll show up for all three days, or just put in a three-hour cameo and then leave.

Which would mean that Ms. Knight would be able to take some time off too, which it turns out she needs to do after a busy year channeling Ramtha in Germany, Australia, Mexico, Scotland, Italy, South Africa and Japan.

No wonder Ramtha wants to cut back.

Mikolowski says that some of the students -- who pay as much as 1000 dollars to hear Ramtha -- have expressed concern, but he says they're taking the challenge quite well.

Although -- it's got to be a little disconcerting.

This would be a little like the Catholic Church saying, well, we won't be offering quite as many masses each day, because Jesus wants to cut back.

But when you have a spirit who only appears on one channel, you always run the risk of cancellation.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS SLOW MOTION
Moved: 12/17/1999 7:48
CBS-SLOW MOTION 12/14/99 3:14 PM-DLR

Putting heroes in their place. This is DR...

We really overdo it with our sports heroes, don't we? Kids deify these
guys. Seattle is just now undergoing the agony of a protracted divorce
from Ken Griffey Junior -- amid cries of betrayal.

But we must remember that these are heroes who excel in a completely artificial environment. Off the field, they are ordinary people with very fast cars.

Why do see them as supermen? I think I know why.

Slow motion.

I have no way of proving this, I will leave that to experts in media
studies, but I think the dependence of our youth on sports heroes has risen in direct proportion to the use of slow motion.

Every game you watch on TV begins with slow motion shots of some sports
hero. You almost NEVER see a sports hero at normal speed. Some athletes
seem to live their entire lives in slow motion. 

If Ken Griffey makes a jumping catch, you might see it at normal speed
ONCE, if you happened to catch it live. But every time after that,
it's going to be in slow motion, until pretty soon you think that's the
way it happened! Wow! This guy can slow down TIME.

Then they put music behind it, and of COURSE they become gods!

I hate to propose any more federal legislation than we already have, but as
long as we're passing rules to protect kids from cigarettes, and from
liquor, we might as well protect them from the intoxication of hero-worship
due to the unrestrained use of slow motion.

In fact, there should be a trade off ? if you show five seconds of an
athlete in slow motion, it should be followed by five seconds of the same
athlete speeded up so he looks ridiculous. Or at least mortal.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS COLUMBINE LETTER
Moved: 12/17/1999 7:48
CBS-COLUMBINE-LETTER 12/14/99

The lure of fame. This is DR...

This week, the parents of some of the victims of the Columbine massacre got a look at the videotapes made by Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold (KLEE'-bohld).

Seeing them left Dale Todd wondering what's wrong with American society to create such kids. Todd's son was one of those wounded last April.

We discussed this on my talk show in Seattle and I thought the following e-mail from a listener put it pretty well.

Bob E writes to say:

Dave: 

We have... a culture where fame is engineered and bought as
a commodity. A creep has superfame for having bitten off a prizefighter's ear. Sports figures have fame because of successful hype and the extremely high salaries they command, despite their flaws of both character and achievement. The list could go on and on. What it all adds up to is that Fame has become a
tin-plated idol presented to young people for their adoration and---especially---for the cultivation of their own nar'cissism. I see the Columbine duo as tragic victims of this insane syndrome whose driving force is the unbridled greed of those who stand to profit from it. And I'll bet that on some level these two bright kids knew, intuitively, that the whole thing was a great, big fraud; nothing plunges bright young people into despair than this suspicion of universal fraud.

Bob E. 

In other words, the Columbine killers saw what they did as kind of performance art -- something that you pay attention to NOT because it's good, but because it's outrageous. If the goal is to get attention, nothing else matters.

Now this.

To get in touch, www.daveross.com. This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ELIAN3
Moved: 12/17/1999 7:47
CBS-ELIAN 12/17/99

Due process. This is DR....

It's now three weeks since 6 year old Elian Gonzalez was rescued from an inner tube, and placed in the care of relatives in Miami. 

Attorney General Janet Reno is hoping that immigration officials will decide before the end of the year whether he'll stay in the United States or be returned to his father in Cuba, but Due Process is taking its time.

Elian was the only survivor after the boat carrying his mother and stepfather foundered off the Florida coast. And since then, his uncle and the rest of his family in Miami have done everything they can to turn his nightmare into a fairy tale.

Just cataloging some of the images I've seen so far -- there's Elian playing with slot cars, getting a giant birthday cake, on a horse, on a motorcycle, being escorted through Disney World. And on Wednesday: he visited a private school where the kids chanted his name and the adults offered him a $40,000 scholarship.

Then, off to an ice cream shop for Oreo cookie crumble ice cream, plus a large chocolate ice cream cake to go -- no charge.

So checking the score so far:

For the Cuban Exile Community in Miami: the slot cars, the birthday cake, the motorcycle, the pony, Disneyworld, a scholarship, a chant, and all the ice cream you can eat. For Fidel Castro back in Cuba: billboards and mass demonstrations, but beyond that, not even a free scoop of vanilla.

There is that little matter about the boy's father being in Cuba and saying he wants his son back.

But that's addressed on a new web page that's been set up for Elian -- www.libertyforelian.org.

On the website, there is this line -- quoting one of Elian's cousins:

(QUOTE) "the only thing [his father] could offer him is love." (unquote) 

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS WTO SLOW
Moved: 12/17/1999 7:47
CBS-WTO-SLOW:

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

Dateline SEATTLE: the young woman whose image was broadcast around the world trashing a downtown Seattle coffee shop during the WTO riots says "she was just caught up in the moment."

Racquel Castro is apologizing for participating in the looting of a Starbucks earlier this month, and told Channel 7 that she (QUOTE) "didn't really know what WTO was all about," and STILL doesn't.

Let's take that REAL SLOW:

She "didn't really know what WTO was all about," and STILL doesn't.

But wait a minute -- this can't be right. Don't you really mean to say that you were trashing the store in solidarity with workers in Guatemala? Or maybe that you tossed that coffee out the window because coffee growing undermines native bird populations? Or because Starbuck's forces out the small independent coffee shops? Or because you were making a deliberate historical reference to the Boston Tea Party! At LEAST say you did it because you were ticked off at the price of a chai tea non fat latte grande!! 

Wait -- that's it -- what you meant to say was, "I did it as a symbol of principled anarchist rage against the capitalist system and police oppression," but the reporter just THRUST the microphone at you and you couldn't find the words! (THEME) Not know what the WTO is! You had us going there for a minute!

You see, the news always makes more sense when you read it Real Slow. 
Index 

CBS REFORM
Moved: 12/16/1999 15:53
CBS-REFORM 12/16/99 

Another handshake. This is DR...

Republican John McCain and Democrat Bill Bradley may be rivals -- but they have agreed to agree on at least one thing -- campaign reform.

They pledged that should they be nominated for president of the United States, they would not allow their parties to spend soft money for their campaigns.

It is a noble gesture, and many voters will applaud it. The trouble is, that's all they do. What they OUGHT to do instead is SEND MONEY!

McCain and Bradley may have done a noble thing by taking the pledge, but they have only a fraction of the Money of George Bush, who has NOT taken the pledge. What good is it if the candidates who promise to work for campaign reform LOSE?

But you know who can reform campaign financing right now? You! You who have never given to a political campaign. You who decry all the dirty money in politics but have never written a check yourself!

Because yes, my dear voter, there is a source of clean money, and you're it!

When a corporation gives money to a party there is probably a reason. When you see a company's name on a check for 100,000 dollars, and then you see that company's name on a phone message, you will probably return that message. You will probably grant the appointment. 

But when you, the average voter, give your $25 or $50, I can guarantee you that the amount of additional influence you'll be granted is ZERO. The money you give will therefore be completely clean. Can you imagine a world where politicians were flooded with 25 and 50 dollar contributions? 

Candidates would have no choice but to concentrate on doing what their constituents wanted instead of schmoozing with CEOs over the shrimp.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TRIPP TAPES.
Moved: 12/16/1999 15:53
CBS-TRIPP 12/16/99

The tapes are back. This is DR...

Monica Lewinsky is testifying in a hearing to decide whether Linda Trip goes to trial for secretly taping their phone conversations. The case is all wrapped up in questions of immunity, and whether the evidence comes from the Starr investigation -- which would disqualify it -- or from Lewinsky's own independent recollection, which would be OK.

But we all know what the BIG question is here, right?

It's whether you have any expectation of privacy when you talk on the phone in Maryland.

And it's too bad it's that narrow. Maybe it's time to decide whether there's any privacy left at ALL. Or is exposing an affair an issue of such overriding importance that things like privacy don't matter anymore? 

One of the arguments you hear in a debate like this is "well, if you don't do anything wrong, you have nothing to hide."

But that's what privacy is -- having a right to privacy is meaningless if it doesn't include the right to hide your sleazy behavior! Or the right to hide anything that is wrong, but not illegal.

If illegality is suspected, there is a procedure you go through. It usually involves a judge -- and the reason HE's there is to protect people from just this kind of thing:

TAPE: "Remember the agony..."

It's only going to get more tempting. Today it's phone taps -- but screen taps are next! The technology exists to intercept every keystroke you type in real time on your computer and send it to a file, without your knowledge. And with instant publishing on the web -- the memo you write today could be the talk of the world tomorrow.

TAPE: "I just wish this was behind me..."

Dream on.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS SWEEPSTAKES
Moved: 12/14/1999 12:17
CBS-SWEEPSTAKES 12/14/99

The thrill is gone. This is DR.

President Clinton has put his signature to a bill that cleared Congress on the last day of the 1999 session.

It's an issue had dropped out of the news. I thought it had been forgotten. But there it is -- the Deceptive Mail Prevention and Enforcement Act is now law. The has finally cracked down on Ed McMahon.

It prohibits sponsors from implying that buying products can increase your chances of winning big prizes.

It stops companies from sending you slips of paper that LOOK like checks unless they really ARE checks, 

And it stops companies from telling you that you have won a prize unless you actually HAVE.

From now on, the only time you'll see the words "You are a Winner" is if you actually are.

You'll see the estimated odds of winning the sweepstakes and contest rules will be in large type, so you'll know EXACTLY just how hopeless it is!

I don't know if it's even worth going to the mailbox anymore.

Once upon a time, the mail was full of excitement: letters from strangers calling me, ME! A winner! Official looking envelopes, bearing official looking checks, personal prize notifications that, for a few brief seconds allowed you to dream -- but now, it's all gone. Now a lonely nation turns to Regis for its monetary fantasies.

The mail is ordinary again -- all in a good cause, of course. your government is trying to protect you. To help you hang on to your money. SO you can buy government LOTTERY tickets.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS KEN GRIFFEY
Moved: 12/14/1999 12:16
CBS-GRIFFEY 12/14/99

My how quickly they turn. This is DR...

Seattle Superstar Ken Griffey Junior has nixed a trade deal with the New York Mets -- and now the same fans who once upon a time couldn't conceive of baseball without him want him gone and the sooner the better.

I suppose I can understand their frustration. First he says he wants to be closer to family in Orlando -- never mind that he can spend six months there no matter where he plays -- yet he doesn't seem to want to go to any teams in the Orlando area, or indeed the Southeastern United States.

So the Mariners shop him to Cincinnati. But they can't strike a deal. Finally they shop him to the Mets, and they DO strike a deal, a deal that includes a pitcher whose name I actually recognize (reliever Armando Benitez) and Griffey says ... no!

Now he says it's Cincinnati or nothing. It's either Cincinnati or he plays out an uncomfortable lame duck year with the Mariners.

And some of the sports fans calling in sound like they're ready to strap dynamite to themselves they're so upset with this guy.

But what do you expect?

It's so ironic to hear all a Seattle sports fan complain about Ken Griffey. In this town, the line has been "give Griffey whatever he wants." For years there has been no ticket price too high, no tax too annoying, no retractable roof too expensive if it meant giving Ken Griffey what he wants.

Well now, what Ken Griffey wants is to play in Cincinnati with his dad, and he wants it NOW.

And I'm sure he doesn't understand why the fans who have been stacking gifts under his Christmas tree all these years are suddenly treating him as if he were -- oh, spoiled.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. 
Index 

CBS ELIAN
Moved: 12/14/1999 12:16
CBS-ELIAN 12/13/99

Now it's Disney World! This is DR...

Elian Gonzalez! You've just survived a shipwreck that left you floating in an innertube -- what are you going to do now? His Miami relatives know how to answer that question -- they took him to Disney World, where he was led by a Disney escort who got him into the rides without having to wait.

So now we've seen pictures of Elian on a pony, a motorcycle, playing with slot cars, getting a birthday cake the size of a flying saucer, and now -- the ultimate honor the America can bestow on a kid -- Disney World without lines!

And what does Cuba have to offer instead? Billboards, and mass demonstrations.

Fidel Castro is going to have to do better than that! A bunch of billboards versus Disney World? No contest, Fidel. This is America! We wrote the book on buying affection.

Sure, that guy in Cuba is the kid's FATHER, and the father says he wants his son back, but how do we know the father isn't a government puppet?

And even if his outrage is genuine -- did HE ever take the kid to Disney World?

Oh, prepare yourself Fidel -- I have a feeling this is only the beginning. Elian has the key to the city. On Christmas, the gifts will clog the chimney and spill out onto the roof.

And who can begrudge him his fairy tale? A kid who survives a shipwreck in an inner tube, whose mother died trying to get him out of Cuba?

I AM a LITTLE worried that all the people who've jumped on this bandwagon are forgetting that once upon a time it was considered evil to keep a kid away from a parent who loves him...

But what am I saying! 

We have to prove that our way of life is better than Communism! 

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS COLUMBINE
Moved: 12/14/1999 12:16
CBS-COLUMBINE 12/13/99

They wanted fame, so we give it to them. This is DR...

Since the Columbine shootings we've all been trying to figure out who or
what to blame for Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold's rampage.

We blamed the weapons -- but when the weapons include propane tanks, what are you going to do? Ban barbeques? Then we looked at their environment -- maybe these were at-risk kids. But the neighborhood is gorgeous, and they both came from two-parent families.

So then people started saying well maybe the neighborhood was TOO good. That the school was too big. That the video games they played were too violent. And then we forgot about it for awhile.

But now it's back thanks to a cover story in Time describing the videotapes Harris and Klebold left behind. And in the tapes, the two come out and tell us what their main motive was. All these things we suspected were certainly part of it. They were enraged about everything: girls, teasing, the jock culture, you name it, it made them mad. But what made them want to take out their anger by KILLING a large number of people was ... IMMORTALITY. They wanted to be famous, and they figured killing people is the quickest way to do it. 

``Directors will be fighting over this story,'' Klebold says in one of the videos, and he even names two: Steven Spielberg and Quentin Tarantino.

Yes, if only Harris' parents had checked the duffel bag in his closet, they'd have found the pipe bombs -- if only, if only. But if we're looking for what made them want to kill people, it's because there's no quicker way to make the front page! Just ask any terrorist!

We ought to burn those tapes. But curiosity always seems to compel us to give these killers exactly what they want.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS TREE
Moved: 12/10/1999 8:34
CBS-TREE 12/09/99

Tree-hugging. Learn to embrace it. This is DR...

It's now been two years since 23 year old Julia "Butterfly" Hill climbed up a 1,000 year old Redwood in California's Humboldt County to stop it from being cut down. She named the tree "Luna", and says she gave Luna her word that her feet would not touch the ground until she had done everything in her power to make the world aware and to stop the destruction.

She is now 25, Luna is now 1,002, her campaign HAS received world wide attention, and Pacific Lumber Company, the company that owns the tree, is ready to give in and set up a 200 foot buffer zone around the tree -- except that there's a catch.

The company wants her to shut up. 

The company wants her to promise that when her feet DO touch the ground, she will NOT encourage other tree-sitters to imitate her.

But keep in mind -- Julia writes POEMS to this tree. She's lived with it for so long, her leg muscles have atrophied. So asking her not to spread the word would be like asking Pat ROBERTSON not to spread the word.

"Tree-sitting dangerous", says Pacific Lumber, which is why they want her to clam up. Yes, but ONLY to the person doing it.

And yes, she's trespassing, but she's hardly putting anybody out. 

But the other thing is that Tree-Sitting is actually an OPPORTUNITY for lumber companies.

If the tree is cut, where would the wood go? To build houses. But if people are willing to live in UNCUT trees, why go to the trouble of cutting them? Frankly, the more people who live in trees, the better.

Don't look at it as a protest -- look at it as a market niche!

Instead of cutting old growth trees, Pacific Lumber ought to give them names and rent them.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS GROIN
Moved: 12/10/1999 8:34
CBS-GROIN-SLOW 

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

... The feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

Dateline ANN ARBOR, Michigan -- A University of Michigan fraternity pledge
was listed in good condition after being shot in the groin during a hazing
ritual.

The 19-year-old New York male, who was pledging Alpha Epsilon Pi fraternity, was shot early Monday by a fraternity member with a pump-action BB gun that was supposed to be empty.

Police Sgt. Michael Logghe said the BB became lodged in the victim's penis.

"I don't think people realize how powerful BB guns are," he said. 

The fraternity member had shot six other pledges without incident before the victim was hit.

We need to read that REAL SLOW:

The 19-year-old fraternity member had shot six other pledges without incident before the victim was hit.

What this means is that a total of seven people who were smart enough to get into the University of Michigan, thought it was an OK idea for someone to aim a BB gun at their penis.

But it also makes you wonder how long this has been going on and how many men DIDN'T report it. How many brides have been shocked on their wedding nights?

And yet,now that I read it real slow, I see cause for optimism. Because it has just dawned on me what the story does NOT mention. It says nothing about being drunk! That's it! A fraternity hazing ritual in which everyone was SOBER! Stupid, but SOBER! We're making progress people.

You see the news is so much better when you read it... REAL SLOW! 
Index 

CBS CAMPAIGN
Moved: 12/10/1999 8:34
CBS-KEYES 12/10/99

Clean campaigns. This is DR...

Who says there are no new ideas on campaign reform! Candidate Alan Keyes had one the other night:

-- Only people who are eligible to vote are eligible to give. You actually have to be a human being. That means INDIVIDUALS could donate money, but UNIONS and CORPORATIONS could not.

(And those who give would have their contributions immediately disclosed.)

So if a corporation wants to support a candidate, it can only urge its employees to do so. If a union wants to support someone -- it can only URGE its MEMBERS to do so.

Simple, neat, no need for reams of rules, AND it forces candidates to appeal to the masses, instead of to a small number of executives.

By the way, if you're wondering why campaign finance rules need to be simplified -- go to www.fec.gov, look at some of the Federal Election Commission's recent rulings, and see if YOU understand them.

Keyes isn't the only guy with ideas. I still like my writer's cramp method of regulating campaign contributions: you can give as much as you want, no rules at all, PROVIDED: no single check may be more than 25 dollars. If you want to give a million bucks, you can, it's your right -- you just have to write 40,000 checks to do it.

But my favorite method of cleaning up politics is the Lotto method. Everyone who wins ten million dollars or more in a Lottery would, as a condition of collecting, serve for two years in public office.

Lotto winners would be the perfect public servants: they're chosen at random, they're too rich to be bought, but still remember what life was like BEFORE they had seven bathrooms.

Now this.

This is DR on the CBS. 
Index 

CBS COLD WAR
Moved: 12/10/1999 8:33
CBS-COLD WAR 12/10/99

The Cold War is back. This is DR...

A bugging device is discovered at the State Department. Russian officials expel a U-S Embassy official in Moscow, accused of trying to steal military information.

President Clinton scolds Boris Yeltsin for Russia's military adventure in Chechnya. And then Boris Yeltsin fires off that Mr. Clinton may have forgotten that "Russia is a great power that possesses a nuclear arsenal."

You know what this means? The Cold War is back! By popular demand! It's been so confusing since the Berlin Wall came down ten years ago. We haven't really known who the enemy is. 

We had Yugoslavia for a few weeks -- but beating them didn't even require ground troops.

Iraq flares up from time to time by now I imagine we have a smart bomb for every off-ramp, so it's hard to be afraid of them.

For a while it looked like Iran could fill the role of the evil empire -- but Iran is too busy trying to stop its teenagers from heavy petting to threaten us. 

Osama Bin Laden, the terrorist, seems pretty evil, but he's been laying low. And if he tries anything, we can always bomb another chemical plant.

And there's always Cuba -- but, come on! The biggest disagreement we can come up with there is a child custody case.

Some politicians were getting so desperate they had to create domestic enemies -- the homeless, the religious right, the President himself.

But now, here comes Boris Yeltsin: out of the hospital yet again and as far as I can tell, unable to bend at the waist anymore. And he's just in time for the campaign!

Thank you, Boris. We've missed you.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS HUMAN
Moved: 12/9/1999 8:25
CBS-HEARING 12/9/99

Only human. This is DR... The Seattle City Council has started its review of WTO week.

And what began as an international protest has now turned into a very local issue. 

Hundreds of people showed up -- many standing outside for hours in the Seattle rain.

-- One member of the panel said he was tear gassed sitting in a restaurant. -- Another said he was just walking home. 
-- Two women filed a claim saying they were asked by a cop to roll down their window and then sprayed.

And there was the video tape -- apparently every other person had a camcorder.

The only answer from the police side came from detective Al Lebar who asked for sympathy for the officers on the front lines. Look at us as human beings, he said.

Alas, statements like that aren't going to be enough. Just saying "we're all human beings" means the protestors who lost it can also excuse THEIR bad behavior. "Look at US as human beings, they might say. We got caught up in the spirit of the moment -- and the spirit told us trash Starbucks.

If it was necessary for the officer to spray the two women in their car, he'll step up and say: "I had to spray the two women because..."

This is just the beginning. The National Lawyers Guild was handing out flyers at the meeting outlining exactly how to fill out a declaration of police misconduct. There will be more videotape.

And to simply say, well, "we're all human" -- is to say we're not responsible for our actions. It's like saying "I don't want to tell you why I did it, and you have no right to ask me." Which means that you'd have to drop the charges against EVERYBODY and just say, well, we're all human and riots happen. 

This is Dave Ross... 
Index 

CBS GORE SLOW
Moved: 12/9/1999 8:25
CBS-GORE-SLOW 12/09/99

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

... The feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

Dateline WASHINGTON: Presidential Candidate Al Gore has been hammering fellow democrat Bill Bradley for refusing to rule out future tax increases. 

Amid this battle between Bradley and Gore on the subject of raising taxes, a reporter asked the vice president if he was now willing to swear off tax increases even if federal budget surpluses fail to materialize, and he can't pay for his programs.

The vice president answered:

"I'm willing to say that under current economic circumstances, I have no intention of proposing any tax increase."

Under current economic circumstances, I have no INTENTION of proposing any tax increase.

But the question didn't ask about current circumstances... 

Well there's another quote here -- let's try this one. 

"I'm ruling them out under circumstances that approximate what we have today."

Wait -- I think I detect something there.... I detect a message struggling to get out I think what he's trying to say is "Please stop asking me that question."

"I'm trying to win an election here!"

You see? The news always makes more sense when you read it real slow. 
Index 

CBS GUNS
Moved: 12/8/1999 8:19
CBS-GUNS 12/8/99

Guns on the run. This is DR....

Housing Secretary Andrew Cuomo says if we can require safety caps on aspirin, we can require safety features on guns.

And the Clinton Administration hopes to prod the firearms industry in that direction by having the nation's 3200 public housing authorities file a class action lawsuit.

The suit would accuse gun makers of contributing to the violence in the projects, where security costs a $1 billion a year, and many children are so afraid of stray bullets that they sleep in bathtubs. 

But this gets a little murky, doesn't it? 

If that's the kind of argument you're making, residents ought to be able to sue the Housing Authorities for providing lousy security. Or at least demand more bathubs.

Secretary Cuomo is hoping the gun manufacturers will settle out of court the way the tobacco companies did -- that they'll agree to make their guns safer, stop making pistol grips that are fingerprint-proof, and stop marketing guns to crooks.

But safer guns don't deter a person bent on revenge, fingerprints don't deter suicidal maniacs, and as for ads enticing the wrong people to buy guns -- hey, ads entice the wrong people to buy lots of things: guns, tight clothes, fatty food...

Then we read that there was even a school shooting yesterday in the NETHERLANDS! A 17 YEAR OLD was despondent over a failed romance. And you can't get a gun in the Netherlands unless you make it from scratch.

So I'm afraid that even a successful gun lawsuit won't stop violence. I think at this point the only kind of lawsuit that will work is a class action lawsuit against ANGRY people. Let's sue THEIR pants off.

Now this.

Dave Ross 
Index 

CBS AFTERMATH
Moved: 12/8/1999 8:19
CBS-AFTERMATH

The accountability equation. This is DR...

The world has gone on to other things, but here in Seattle, we are still dealing with the aftermath of the last weeks chaotic encounter with the WTO.

The latest quote is from assistant police chief Ed Joiner who said future WTO meetings should either be held in countries with military governments, or in democracies where cities can bring in 5,000 to 10,000 police officers.

He said police studied last April's NATO conference in Washington D.C., and learned that in order to run that conference successfully, the DC police actually closed down the area around the conference

To do the same in Seattle would have meant evacuating half the downtown retail area from day one, which they decided they couldn't do. Instead they crossed their fingers -- and the world saw the result. Both sides lost their cool.

-- Both sides lost their cool, but it's beginning to appear that only ONE side will be held accountable.

The Police Chief is already toast. The mayor -- he will have to stand for re-election. Individual police officers? One has already been suspended, and the rest of the officers caught on videotape abusing protestors and residents will be investigated.

But the Direct Action Network and other protest groups?

They do not run for election. They will not be accountable to a review board. They will not even hold public hearings and invite people who may be critical of their tactics.

Their "out" is that the WTO is a monster -- like Vietnam and racism -- and therefore, "we did what we had to do."

Which, by the way, is exactly the argument the cops are using now: that the protest had turned into a Monster and that police did what they had to do.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MILITIAS
Moved: 12/7/1999 8:31
CBS-BOMB PLOT 12/07/99

Foiled again. This is DR...

In SACRAMENTO, two suspected militia members are under arrest in
connection with an alleged plot to blow up a California propane plant.

The FBI fingered Kevin Patterson, 42, and Charles Kiles, 49, after spending a year investigating an alleged plot to blow up storage tanks loaded with 24 million gallons of propane; tanks that sat within a mile of a residential subdivision; a subdivision that would have been toasted had they gone up.

Neither man has had anything to say, although Kiles' son said, "My daddy ain't going to hurt a bunch of innocent people for nothing."

He said the militia might do -- but not his dad.

What's interesting is WHY the militia might want to do it.

The militia in question is the right-wing San Joaquin County Militia -- and according to the wire dispatch on the story, the militia's philosophy boiled down to this: that by using violence, they could bring about martial law, and thereby attract a public following big enough to launch a revolution.

It's not the first time we've heard of that tactic... but I think it's going to have to be updated.

Because I think that compared to groups like the San Joaquin Militia, Americans will find that martial law looks pretty good. At least trained troops can be controlled. I think of Seattle -- where before the civil emergency was declared, you couldn't drive anywhere downtown, but the next day, with the National Guard on every street corner, you could go anywhere. As long as you weren't carrying a sign. Open streets, no crime -- shoppers posing for pictures with the troops. 

So watch it guys -- you might get martial law, all right. But I don't think people will want to turn to you for help.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross... 
Index 

CBS MARS
Moved: 12/7/1999 8:31
CBS-MARS 12/6/99

Space on the cheap. This is DR...

Nothing but silence from the Mars Polar lander. 

I was looking forward to this, too. Remember a few years ago when the Mars Pathfinder landed? You could sit at your desktop computer and scan the Martian landscape. I even got those magic goggles so I could see the rocks in 3-D. And really, that's all they were, rocks -- but they were rocks on MARS -- 157 million miles away.

And remember the little tractor called "Sojournoer" that rolled down a ramp from the spacecraft and took more pictures? But that was two years ago.

Now scientists are waking up to the reality that they just spent 165 million dollars to drop a pile of metal on another planet. At least they got closer this time -- last September the Mars Climate Orbiter burned up in the atmosphere.

And they may never know why -- because the lander was not equipped to send back data during it's descent as part of NASA's effort to save money. It's part of NASA's effort to do things faster, cheaper, better. Well, faster and cheaper anyway.

Said one physics professor -- "It may be that everything went right and it simply ... landed on a big boulder and fell over?" 

Landed on a big boulder and fell over! How inhospitable of the Martians not to have cleared a landing area! We'd do it for THEM!

So now the post mortem begins -- how long can we spend money this way. Top which I will say, if cities can spend half a billion dollars to build stadiums for teams that statistically are going to lose about half the time -- we can spend a $165 million to try an unlock a few of the secrets of the universe.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. 
Index 

CBS SONG WTO
Moved: 12/6/1999 10:00
CBS-SONG-WTO 12/6/99

Oh, those wacky anarchists. This is DR...

Seattle is back to normal this week, with parking meters free and the Mayor Himself spending the weekend downtown to greet returning shoppers. 

And just in time for holiday giving, from Seattle's coolest new record label, Burning Dumpster records -- here are the Kids in Black.

Hit it kids!

(MUSIC -- LITTLE GTO)

Aint got no leaders
Aint got no rules
Don't like our cities
Don't like your schools
Don't like the AFL
Don't like the CIO
Just wanna smash it up, trash it up, crash the double U-T-O

Got a little spray paint
To paint a big red "A"
We're really sorry 'bout you windows
But they got in their way
We're really sorry 'bout your building
But it got in the way.

Because everybody's equal, but US a little more than you.

Thanks to listener EBEN GORBATY for the inspiration.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CUBAN KID
Moved: 12/6/1999 8:54
CBS-TUG OF (COLD) WAR 12/6/99

Tug of War. This is DR...

Elian Gonzalez, the young Cuban boy rescued off the coast of Florida on Thanksgiving, is six years old today. And he still doesn't know where he'll end up. But I think we know HOW he'll end up.

Pampered.

And why not.

Look at what he went through. His mother and were killed along with at least nine others when their powerboat sank. He survives lashed to an inner tube. What a story!

At first his father in Cuba was happy that the boy seemed to be in good hands with his aunt and cousin in South Florida. But he soon started saying that that they were ``enriching themselves'' and that the boy had been kidnapped.

In Cuba his health care and education are free, said his father, ``He does not lack anything.''

Of course all that will be free here do -- you can bet on it. The boy will be showered with all the health care and education he can possibly use by Miami's Cuban American community.

And the TOYS -- I saw him playing with slot cars on CNN, and I'm sure that's only the beginning. This kid has floated straight into what's left of the Cold War.

Should he stay, or should he go back. I think he has it made either way

I suppose you could argue that his father's sudden welling of paternal instincts might have been due to persuasion by Castros goons.

But it also means that relatives need not worry that he'll want for anything in Cuba, either.

Because just as the American side will shower the boy with everything he needs top make the point that America is the promised land, so will the Cuban side shower him with everything he needs to prove that CUBA is the workers paradise.

Yes, Elian, there is a Santa Claus.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WTO
Moved: 12/2/1999 13:31
CBS-WTO 11/30/99

Welcome to Seattle! This is DR...

The idea, you see, was to send a message to the World Trade Organization that the PEOPLE will not tolerate free trade run by oppressive corporations.

And we all knew Tuesday was going to be a day of protest here in Seattle. The police had trained for it, protest groups warned us about it. And indeed it all began peacefully enough.

I broadcast my show from the labor rally on Tuesday -- the people there were the people who build cities, not the people who trash them. They just wanted to send the message to the World Trade Organization that if you're going to make rules, organized labor ought to participate. They rallied, they marched, they left.

But the more radical protestors -- they were determined to shut down the World Trade Organization. 

There is some question whether police gave enough warning before they lobbed the first tear gas cannisters. But in any case, it was obvious the police wanted the street cleared. The protestors wouldn't take the hint.
And it was at that point that a gang -- estimated by the reporters who were there at about thirty people, dressed in black -- decided it was time to rumble.

They took barricades, and newspaper boxes, and began trashing the downtown business district. Starbucks. Nike Town. Radio Shack.

And today a city where graffiti is usually hard to find, is a city where graffiti is hard to miss.

One of the chants went like this: "Whose world? Our world! Whose streets? Our streets!" Ha! Your streets? If this is the way you'd run the streets, I think most people will take their chances with the oppressive corporations.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ANARCHISTS
Moved: 12/2/1999 13:30
CBS-ANARCHISTS

Who are the anarchists? This is DR...

The most common piece of graffiti to appear in Seattle after the anti-WTO demonstrations was the letter "A" inside a circle. the "A" stands for anarchy.

Apparently, the ANARCHISTS were the ones who trashed the town and were seen scattering coffee at Starbucks and taking free TVs from Radio Shack.

So I went to the anarchists web site -- EVERYBODY has a web site -- in hopes of understanding them enough to feel their pain.

Here's how they define anarchism:

"Rather than being purely anti-government, anarchism is primarily a movement against hierarchy... Because hierarchy is the organizational structure that embodies authority. Real anarchists are not only opposed to government, but are opposed to all forms of hierarchical organization."

I also discovered that they are NOT in favor of "anarchy," as commonly defined. They believe in organizations, but only in organizations with no bosses.

And I was comforted by this - the web page says "anarchists do not support the "freedom" to rape, to exploit, or to coerce others!" At last! A group of people who are against rape and pillage. However they go on to say that just as they do not tolerate rape and pillage, neither do they tolerate authority.

Neither do they tolerate authority.

So that means they are against rape and pillage, HOWEVER, if anyone should try to rape or pillage you, the anarchists would also be against sending an authority figure -- like a cop -- to stop them.

So I hope that you now have an appreciate of the philosophy of anarchism.

It basically means... free coffee and TVs for everybody, because the cops aren't coming!

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS RIOT
Moved: 12/2/1999 13:30
CBS-RIOT 12/02/99

The Tear Gas Club: This is Dave Ross. That's what it's become here in Seattle -- the Tear Gas Club.

Last night Seattle Police department used what appeared to be military tear gas rounds -- judging from the cannister recover by a reporter, to clear a group several hundred people that included not just protestors but quite a few local residents who say they had every right to be there, and basically dared the police to use the gas. 

So police used the gas. And the sting balls. And the wooden plugs.

Police say residents or not, some of their offers saw people with Molotov cocktails -- so what else could they do? Leave and then get criticized when storefronts start burning?

So now one of America's most liveable cities has police and national guard checkpoints around the downtown business district.

No gas masks allowed unless you're an officer.

Residents, commuters, shoppers -- it doesn't matter, if the police say disperse, they mean YOU.

We white people aren't used to this. Many of us think we can gather in a group after being ordered to leave, and the cops will say -- oh, well as long as long as you LIVE here, then you're OK.

No. 

This time, we fit the profile. And the profile is pretty simple: you are part of a group, and we don't want to see groups just now.

So the choice is to test it again, join the Tear Gas Club to prove your manhood or womanhood -- or go home and get even later. AT THE BALLOT BOX.

The people of Seattle pay the taxes. Those who don't like the way the police reacted, can elect people who'll disband the riot quad.

But they'll be in competition with those who feel that nasty as the police look, they're preferable to the mob.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GLOBAL EXCHANGE
Moved: 11/30/1999 7:07
CBS-GLOBAL EXCHANGE 11/29/99

Even the WTO can't control this. This is DR...

One of the knocks on the World Trade Organization is that it -- and the corporations behind it -- don't care about labor conditions. That's why tens of thousands of union workers clogged the streets of Seattle today. 

If only there was a way to MAKE them care.

Suppose, for example, there was an easy way to buy merchandise manufactured under conditions that even a Tree-Hugger could endorse.

That's the approach that Global Exchange has decided to take.

Global Exchange is one of those groups that's ready to carry picket signs and launch boycotts just like any other activist group, but they are ALSO ready with something even scarier.

An alternative.

Global Exchange has put together a list of products which they are satisfied are made by contented workers who are paid fairly and work under humane conditions, and put it on the web at globalexchange.org.

There are gift baskets of white chocolate and dark chocolate made by happy workers in Bolivia. There's Tibetan Barbecue Marinade. And other products from El Salvador, Guatemala, Indonesia, Kenya, Madagascar -- and even the United States.

SO far it's heavy on baskets, candy, and coffee, and short on the big screen TVs and cheap blue jeans that most Americans want.

But they plan to keep plugging away.

SO that eventually, there will be a one-stop web-site, every bit as accessible as amazon.com, where people who want to vote with their dollars for happy workers can just point, click, and change the world.

The best way to show a CEO that justice is a good thing is show him how to make money at it.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. 
Index 

CBS MISTAKES
Moved: 11/30/1999 7:06
CBS-MISTAKES 11/30/99

98,000 mistakes? This is DR...

I never quite believe these stories until I can look up the wire copy for myself.

Dateline WASHINGTON: The Institute of Medicine reports that as many as 98,000 hospitalized Americans die every year from errors.

Among the problems: prescriptions so sloppy that pharmacists hand over the wrong dose or an entirely different drug!

So we have a medical system that can do a heart bypass, and replace a patient's entire immune system -- but is still struggling with literacy.

The institute's goal is a 50 percent reduction in medical mistakes within five years. 

Hmmm. So that means if all the recommendations are followed and everything goes well, then the number of people who die by mistake will be no more than 49,000!

I know we all have to go sometime, but we want to go fair and square, OK? Not because of some screw up!

The Institute recommends setting up a federal Center for Patient Safety, cost: $100 million a year.

But this isn't rocket science, is it? This isn't even long division.

When you write a check, what do you do? You write down the number, then again in longhand, you enter the amount in your register, and then you get a statement from the bank so you can double check. There's hardly EVER a mistake.

When a hospital admits you, and hands you those forms to fill out, they make darn sure the name of your insurance carrier is legible, don't they? They don't guess on THAT, do they?

In other words, if hospitals just used the same safeguards in providing treatment that they use to make sure they get PAID for it, I think you could probably cut the mistake rate by a LOT MORE than 50%.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS WTO
Moved: 11/29/1999 8:10
CBS-WTO1 11/29/99

Into the streets. This is DR...

It's the first outbreak of civil disobedience in Seattle. Protestors who have vowed to shut down this week's meeting of the World Trade Organization have taken over an abandoned building downtown -- saying housing should be a right, and the WTO is a threat to affordable housing.

Of course here in Seattle the real threat to affordable housing is not the WTO -- it's the Microsoft employee, who builds Windsor Castle in your cul-de-sac, so your assessment doubles.

The anti-WTO protestors, on the other hand, seem to be the lifestyle opposites of high-tech employees. Highly educated, yes, but they have purposely avoided wealth. I get the feeling their stock portfolios are a little thin.

Which is their right, and a noble form protest, but will it get the job done?

They want to spread the message that the WTO cares more about profit than workers rights.

But is the GAP going to cave in and start paying American wages in its overseas factories because of a few loud chants? Are the CEOs in their distant office towers going to see those giant banners?

No. All that passion -- going to waste. But can you imagine if people with that kind of anti-corporate passion started investing? Can you imagine if they quietly started buying up shares of the GAP, or NIKE?

Instead of taking over abandoned buildings they could take over entire corporations -- force them to pay an American wage in their overseas factories.

Force greedy corporate executives to take pay cuts.

Force them to earn lower profits if necessary. Of course sometimes, principles collapse when its your 401K on the line -- but this could be the generation that changes that.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS BAPTISTS
Moved: 11/29/1999 8:10
CBS-BAPTISTS 11/29/99

Baptists on the march. This is DR...

The Southern Baptists have announced a `Strategic Cities Initiative,'' a plan to expand the church beyond the South. It will kick off next summer; first stop, Chicago, with missionaries going door to door and holding block parties to spread the Gospel.

And the religions that already have a foothold in Chicago don't like it.

The Council of Religious Leaders of Metropolitan Chicago is worried that all those Baptist missionaries in town to lead to violence against Jews, Hindus and Muslims, whom the Southern Baptists have said they want to convert to Christianity.

It's not that they think the Baptists will go around with baseball bats -- just that their mere presence could create a climate conducive to hate crimes.

So the Chicago Board of Rabbis, the Catholic Archdiocese, the Methodists, the Presbyterians -- all have asked the Baptists not to come.

But why? You are not helpless, right? We've all learned to hang up on telemarketers, surely we can handle missionaries.

In fact, I think the people of Chicago and the others cities that have been targeted should look at this as an opportunity.

You're going to have 100,000 Baptists in town asking to come into your homes. So, stock up on your OWN religious materials. And then say, "Come right in! I don't care to become a Baptist, but have you thought of becoming a Hindu?" Or:

"Come right in! Since you've been using our Bible all these years, have you considered becoming a Jew?"

You see, conversion does not have to be a one way street. Remember -- they'll be on YOUR turf.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS E MAIL 990
Moved: 11/23/1999 10:03
CBS-LETTERS-990

Letters to daveross.com. This is DR...

Today's e-mail is from a pilot who says he has 20,000 plus hours including flying for the Navy during the Korean War and as a commercial pilot. He heard our discussion of flight 990 on my Seattle talk show and he writes:

Hi Dave-- 

There IS something effective that can be done to mitigate any future attempt by a crew member to crash an air transport... Return to a three pilot crew. 

Most of the young sounding pilots who called into your show... would have no personal experience with the fact that when we had three pilot crews.

Part of the twice yearly training we did, on our airline in the simulators, was to practice how two of the pilots would handle the third pilot (or an 
intruder) if they in anyway became detrimental to flight.

This training was to help us deal with incapacitation of a crew member due to food poisoning, spasm, of for any other reason including evil intent. It was unsettling to me to realize that when there [were] no longer three pilots in the cockpit, the airlines (with permission of the FAA) would quietly drop such training for this critical third pilot's help if one of the two flying pilots slumped onto the controls due to incapacitation. 

We were trained in the use of potential weapons in the control cabin area to our advantage (for obvious reasons I wont comment in detail) and in the proper application of the hand cuffs we all carried in our flight bags.

The third pilot as full time crew member (not just a relief crew member) 
brings many many safety advantages to the cockpit at a very small 
additional cost to the traveling public.

SIGNED -- Dan

Editors footnote -- the 767 was the first long-range jet to be designed for a two-person crew.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross... 
Index 

CBS PROMISE
Moved: 11/23/1999 9:03
CBS-PROMISE 11/22/99

Promise us just one thing. This is DR....

Four Republican candidates held another rump debate over the weekend -- another one of those debates where they stand around trying to come with the best joke about why George Bush isn't there.

John McCain promised to protect Social Security by taking it out of the overall federal budget.

Steve Forbes promised a whole new approach to government -- one that takes the emphasis off what the bureaucrats can do for the people and instead emphasizes what the people can do for themselves.

Alan Keyes focused on morality saying it was time for us as Americans to "live up to our vocations as citizens."

And Senator Orrin Hatch promised to end the tyrannical reign of the IRS.

So there you go -- elect them all and our social security will be safe, bureaucrats will be out of our hair, morality will return to American life AND we 'll have no income tax.

But none of them mentioned the one thing that Americans are REALLY looking for in a candidate. Americans are looking for a candidate who will promise to keep Alan Greenspan healthy.

That's the only promise Americans want to hear:

My fellow Americans, if elected, I promise to keep Alan Greenspan HEALTHY.

None of us really cares about foreign policy. What we want is for our 401K plan to be worth something when we retire. And that means keeping Alan Greenspan healthy.

Come on candidates -- say it with me -- I will keep Alan Greenspan Healthy.

I am announcing a program of free prescription drugs for Alan Greenspan. I am announcing new food safety rules -- that will apply to everything Alan Greenspan eats. OSHA will be issuing rules to protect Alan Greenspan from repetitive stress.

THAT's a platform.

Now this.

This is DR.... 
Index 

CBS REPETITIVE STRESS
Moved: 11/23/1999 9:03
CBS-REPETITIVE 11/22/99

The scariest headline of the year. This is DR...

The headline is this:

"New workplace rules to protect millions of workers from repetitive stress injuries."

The Occupational Safety and Health Administration is adamant, says repetitive stress accounts for more than one-third of all serious occupational injuries and illnesses in the United States. 

So the new rules will appear this month -- requiring businesses to take steps to prevent injuries caused by repetitive tasks like pushing, pulling, lifting, bending.

But the reason this scares businesses, the reason they want further review, the reason they think this will be so expensive is because of how it might affect the one activity every business needs to survive.

TYPING.

You can invent machines that push or pull or lift or bend, but so far, there are no machines that can sit down at a desk and type all day.

And no matter what a company does, it is run by people who type all day. Accountants, programmers, writers, administrative assistants, sales executives.

And adding to the problem is that after typing all day, a lot of us then type all evening. And it isn't just work -- even LEISURE activities involve typing.

Nobody writes letters anymore -- no, we TYPE e-mail. Then we shop on the Internet -- more typing and clicking.

Pretty soon TV will be completely interactive -- that means you'll have to type to watch a sitcom.

OSHA would have to make house calls. America can't afford repetitive stress rules. The nation would click to a halt. There's only one solution -- and that's to get third world countries to do our typing for us.

Give to a UN literacy program TODAY!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS RUCKUS PREFEED
Moved: 11/23/1999 9:02
CBS-RUCKUS 11/18/99

The Ruckus Man. This is DR...

The trade meeting of the millennuium is about to take place. Starting November 30th in Seattle, the World Trade Organization will hold its third ministerial conference to set trade policy. The goal is to make trade even easier -- but there are quite a few organizations who think the WTO has made trade TOO easy. 

And they plan to make that message loud and clear when the ministers gather.
Or attempt to gather:

A group called the Ruckus Society is planing to run the ministers out of town, if they can. Ruckus imported Han Shan from Berkeley to train Seattle demonstrators in the art of non-violent civil disobedience. And we can expect the full range of public theatrics: street puppets, gigantic disrespectful banners draped from buildings and bridges, and bodies going limp in busy intersections.

Why? Because the WTO ruled that a law protecting endangered sea turtles poses an illegal trade barrier. Becasue it the WTO claimed that a clean air regulation inadvertently hurt foreign gas producers -- and so on.

The point is that sometimes trade barriers are good. And in hopes of making that point, Han and Company will create a few barriers of their own. And he hopes the citizens of Seattle will rise up and joint in:

Mom, I know the calculus final is today, but I have to shut down the WTO.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS VIOLENT TOYS
Moved: 11/23/1999 9:02
CBS-TOYS 11/23/99

Christmas shopping season is here -- and you know what that means. Prepare to be scolded. This is Dave Ross... 

I can guarantee that SOMETHING you do between now and Christmas is probably harmful to -- fill in the blank: your kids, the environment, society -- something you do will be wrong.

Today, for example, we have the annual list of the "dirty dozen" -- the twelve toys chosen as most violent by the The Lion and Lamb Project, which monitors violent toys, action figures and video games.

The list this year includes the ``Star Wars Battle Droid Blaster Rifle,''
``Laser Challenge Team Force 2000'', and an action figure called the ``Impaled Mummy.''

Notice what these toys have in common: you don't even have to know what they are or what they do, the NAMES are enough to condemn them.

They are, in actuality, hunks of harmless plastic that do nothing -- but by giving them evil names, an amazing thing happens -- they sell!

And why do they sell? Because little boys LIKE them. 

Now it's true that little boys will play with cuddly peaceful toys as well. I haven't had the pleasure of raising sons, only daughters, but based on reports I get from parents who HAVE raised sons, and on my own experience teaching little boys in a Sunday school class, I can tell you that you CAN get little boys to play with cute, cuddly PEACEFUL toys.

Indeed, boys have a name for these toys. TARGETS. For their Battle Droid Blaster Rifles!

I know the Lion and the Lamb folks are good people, and I wish them luck as the point to all those studies showing that violent toys create violent kids.

But I HAVE A FEELING a parent who puts a Battle Droid Blaster Rifle under the tree probably doesn't read a lot of studies.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross... 
Index 

CBS McCAIN
Moved: 11/23/1999 9:02
CBS-McCAIN 11/23/99

I've been hearing whispers, too. This is DR...

There is a whispering campaign going on -- a whispering campaign about Senator AND PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE John McCain.

Washington Columnist Elizabeth Drew says she has confirmed that prominent Republicans who don't like John McCain have been whispering to anyone who will listen that he's unstable. That his confinement in that POW camp did something to him. 

The whisperers don't say what that something is, but whatever it is, they don't want his his finger on the nuclear button.

Now, I've met John McCain, and I had a chance to throw questions at him -- embarrassing question too, about his involvement in the Savings and Loan scandal, which he admitted and said was wrong, the accusation that he gave the enemy information as a POW, which made him bristle, and I even tried to trip him up by asking him if he could name the mayor of Flagstaff Arizona. 

And not once did he lose his temper.

So he doesn't strike me as being at all unstable.

But I have been hearing these whispers too. They seem to be getting more intense as McCain rises in the polls.

Indeed, the other day, while I was in the back yard raking leaves, a prominent Republican walked up to me and whispered in my ear that if John McCain was elected president, he might well become the first chief executive in modern times to actually EAT the White House Turkey.

Needless to say I turned pale when I heard that.

Every year, official turkeys are presented to the White House, and the President always issues them a pardon, and sends them off to some petting zoo.

But the whispering among prominent Republicans is that John McCain would whack the turkey, and it wouldn't even bother him.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. 
Index 

CBS BOTTLENECK
Moved: 11/23/1999 9:02
CBS-BOTTLENECKS 11/23/99

Fixing bottlenecks? This is DR...

After studying America's worst highway bottlenecks, the American Highway Users Alliance has released a list of the worst ones, so that you can comfort yourself that as bad as YOUR bottleneck seems to be, some other poor schlump has it worse.

But the Alliance doesn't stop there -- in addition to listing the worst bottlenecks, the Alliance also takes the bold step of recommending that they be FIXED!

No I'm not kidding you. I heard this myself on the news: 

The American Highway Users Alliance says that if traffic bottlenecks were fixed, your commute would be faster!

There's only one problem with that concept. It's WRONG.

You tell me what will happen if America's traffic bottlenecks are fixed.

Right -- they'll just become BIGGER, better-designed bottlenecks!

Because every big bottleneck was once a SMALLER bottleneck which somebody thought needed to be redesigned.

There is only one way to solve the bottleneck problem and that is, when you BUILD a new highway, DON'T TELL ANYBODY.

Look what happens now: the state builds a big new highway, they have a ribbon-cutting ceremony, dignitaries drove across the virgin pavement -- all the newspapers cover it, Rand McNally puts out a new map with a thick green line on it and everybody thinks, "Big Empty Highway, Let's Use It."

Bad strategy.

New highways should be build secretly: no ceremony, no ribbon-cutting, no publicity.

All the bulldozer operators would swear secrecy oaths, and unmarked ramps would just ... appear. 

Otherwise, as long as there are intersections, there will be bottlenecks.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS PRE EMPTIVE PRAYER
Moved: 11/22/1999 6:06
CBS-SAT PRE-EMPTIVE PRAYER 11/18/99

Dear Lord please keep me out of trouble for asking you to keep me out of trouble. This is DR...

This week the Supreme Court agreed to decide whether prayer is approriate at High School football games. It would seem like overkill -- going to the Supreme Court over an invocation that might last all of sixty seconds -- but then there's a pretty important principle involved: Separaton of Church and State.

If only there was a way to compromise short of going to the Supreme Court every time.

Well, maybe there IS a way we can compromise, even on an issue as sensitive as pre-game prayer.

A pre-emptive pre-SEASON prayer.

Why do you have to pray right at the start of each game?

Does God forget? If you ask Him to watch over TODAY'S game, and protect the players from injury, is he going to turn his back next week unless He receives an updated request?

Do prayers carry a freshness date? Like milk? 

Well then, if it will help everyone live together in harmony, suppose the faithful offer a Master Prayer at the start of the football season, asking for divine blessing, and, so there is no misunderstanding, listing the date of each game for which the blessings are needed.

Now it COULD be that there's another reason for pre-game prayers -- that the purpose is INDEED for force faith down the throats of the unfaithful. But if the purpose is merely to bless the players, a single pre-season prayer should do it; and those offended by public prayer could just come late to the game on that day.

It would confer the same benefits, and it would also make it easier for the Almighty to hear prayers from other sports.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS BUDGET DONE
Moved: 11/22/1999 6:02
CBS-BUDGET 11/19/99 12:11

Thank you thank you thank you. This is DR...

The United States of America will soon officially have a budget for the new millennium. But as Congress and the President congratulate each other for managing to adopt this budget only a month and a half after the fiscal year actually started, and without shutting the government down, I fear that the expressions of appreciation are going to the wrong people.

Because in fact the people who REALLY deserve the nation's gratitude are not the Senators the Representatives or the President. The nation's gratitude should go to the people of New Jersey.

According to the Tax Foundation, for every dollar the people of New Jersey
pay in taxes, they get back 68 cents. Which makes the people of New Jersey our most generous citizens.

Every one of us should send a thank-you note to someone in New
Jersey. These are the true pillars of altruism, surpassing even Bill Gates
in their collective philanthropy. Year in and year out, the people of New
Jersey send in a dollar, and get in return, two quarters, a dime, a nickel
and three pennies.

(Here in Washington, we are generous too -- getting back 94 cents on the dollar, but we do not approach New Jersey.)

As for who should WRITE the thank you notes? The people of
Mississippi, who pay a dollar but get back $1.60. The people of West
Virginia, who pay a dollar and get back $1.69, and the people of New Mexico -- who pay a dollar and get back $1.94 -- thanks to all those military installations. 

For in the end, the United States stands for not only liberty and justice
for all, but for the right of Birmingham, and Wheeling, and Albuquerque to
take money from Paterson, Piscataway, and Parsippany.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross... 
Index 

CBS ABRAHAM EMAIL
Moved: 11/22/1999 6:02
CBS-ABRAMAM-1 11/18/99

E-mail to daveross.com. This is DR...

This week 13 year old Nathaniel Abraham was convicted of second degree murder in Pontiac, Michigan.

Even though he was only 11 when he fired the shot that killed 18 year old Ronnie Green, the prosecutor tried him as an adult. The kid had been in trouble many times before, he had been shooting a stolen rifle, and whether he actually took aim at his victim or not, he had to deliberately load that rifle each time.

You can't just slap a kid on the wrist for something like that.

But Kathi Taylor in port Townsend, WA thinks that there is a lot of ad-libbing going on in the justice system when it comes to kids and crime.

She writes -

Just a year or so ago, Teacher Mary Kay Latourneau was convicted of "CHILD" Rape for having sex with a 13 year old student. No matter how much this boy and his family objected and stated that the relationship was 
completely voluntary on his part, the Justice system insisted that he 
was a "CHILD!" and not capable of making such adult decisions about his 
life and they put that woman in jail for 7 years. I am not defending 
her, I think they are absolutely correct.

However, I have no doubt had that boy committed murder, he would have 
been considered completely competent about such a decision and held 
accountable as an adult. We arbitrarily assigning the label of "Adult" 
to Children in order to selectively punish. Either a 13 year old is a 
child or he is an adult for ALL purposes , he can't be both at the same 
time. 

Signed, Kathi.

You're right Kathi. Maybe there ought to be no distinction. Maybe juries should simply decide: guilty or not guilty. Did the crime occur, or didn't it? And save the ad libbing for the sentencing phase.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SOFTMONEY
Moved: 11/18/1999 8:16
CBS-SOFT MONEY 11/18/99

Why didn't we think of this before? This is DR...

We have all heard about the evils of soft money in political campaigns. Soft money is that squishy money -- the kind that campaign reformers can never quite get a grip on. The money that flows directly from corporate accounts to political parties and which, because it comes under free speech, is not subject to limits.

It's supposed to be used for PARTY BUILDING activities, and does not go to individual campaigns, but if some of it DOES end up HELPING a particular candidate, well, accidents will happen. And give the candidates credit -- there's nothing they hate more than to find out after winning an election that they used the wrong kind of money to do it. 

In any case, Congress has never been able to control soft money.

But now it appears that the soft money is going to control itself.

Time Warner has become the latest company to announce that even if Congress does NOT prohibit soft money, IT will no longer give any.

That makes Time Warner the fifth company to stop its soft money donations.

And it represents an exciting new concept: corporate self-control!

Can you imagine a world in which a politician announces a $5,000 a plate fundraiser -- and nobody comes?

The price to watch a candidate eat overcooked chicken might drop to a reasonable level.

So let's salute Time Warner, along with General Motors, Monsanto, Allied Signal and Hasbro who have all stopped making soft money donations from their corporate treasuries.

Although GM does still make contributions from its POLITICAL ACTION COMMITTEE to the parties, and so will Time Warner. There's no sense in becoming too pure all at once.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS EGYPT AIR
Moved: 11/18/1999 8:16
CBS-EGYPT 11/18/99

Empty seats. This is DR...

Every air traveler is wondering today -- is it better that the guy flying my plane is deeply religious, or would I be better off with an atheist?

Who is more likely to want to land this plane gently and uneventfully on the expected runway -- a person who believes in an afterlife, or one who believes that this life is all there is?

There is apparently going to be an international tussle over the translation of the little prayer uttered by the co-pilot of Flight 990, because nobody in Egypt wants to see this add to the American stereotype of the Islamic fanatic.

But even we Americans understand that EVERY religion has its fanatics.

The real problem in that cockpit at the moment the co-pilot started thinking whatever it was he was thinking is very clear from the diagram in the New York Times.

The problem in that cockpit was three empty seats.

The problem was that the co-pilot was left all alone.

So that when the plane started diving toward the Atlantic, the regular pilot had to run back -- not easy considering we've been told everybody was essentially weightless -- and when he GOT back, it was one against one. Had ALL the other crew members been there it would have been three against one.

Adding a cockpit camera, or a better black box won't stop a crazy person. The only thing that stops a crazy person is having a sane person nearby.

It is very boring to have to hang around the cockpit when the autopilot is doing all the work. But a bus driver can't get up and meander around his moving bus. A subway engineer doesn't just open the throttle and then visit with passengers -- and if a cockpit has four seats, well then by golly, it's not asking a lot that at least two of them be occupied.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS PRAYER II
Moved: 11/17/1999 8:20
CBS-PRAYER II 11/16/99

Bound for hell. This is DR... 

As you've heard, the US Supreme Court is going to decide whether it's OK for students to pray publicly before a football game.

The court is taking up a case from a school district in Texas: the Santa Fe Independent School district. But there's an aspect of this school prayer case that hasn't come out.

And that is -- why would the parents go to the trouble of suing? It's one thing to be offended by a prayer, but it's another to spend SIX YEARS dragging it through the courts -- which is how long this latest Texas case has been around.

Well the untold story is in the text of the appeals court decision.

The story begins in April 1993. Plaintiff Jane Doe Number Two was attending her seventh grade Texas History class, when her teacher, David Wilson, handed out fliers advertising a Baptist religious revival. Jane Doe Number Two asked if non-Baptists were invited to attend, prompting Wilson to inquire about her religious affiliation. On hearing that she was a Mormon (the court document continues) the teacher launched into a diatribe about the non-Christian, cult-like nature of Mormonism, and its general evils.

Wilson's comments inspired further discussion among Jane Doe Number Two's classmates, some of whom reportedly noted (QUOTE) "it's kind of like the KKK, isn't it?" Jane Doe Number Two was understandably upset by this incident, and two days later, her mother complained.

Well the teacher was reprimanded and apologized, but THAT's what got the case started! Parents hate it when a teacher tells their kid she's going to hell.

Stuff like that looks really bad on a college transcript.

Now this.

This is DR 
Index 

CBS 990 PRAYER
Moved: 11/17/1999 8:18
CBS-990 11/17/99

The third black box. This is DR...

The working theory in the Flight 990 investigation is now as creepy as it gets.

Flight 990 took off normally, reached cruise altitude normally. No fire in the cargo hold. No explosion in the fuel tank. No problem with the rudder control. Nothing wrong with the on-board computers. Weather normal. Everything normal. 

And then, the cockpit voice recorder picked up the one thing that DOESN'T appear to be normal. The voice of Capt. Gamil el-Batouti, a relief co-pilot who was there to spell the regular pilot later in the flight, comes up to the cockpit saying he "wanted to fly''. The cockpit door then opens and closes.

The New York Times reported today that investigators think el-Batouti was alone when he started repeating an Arabic phrase that translates ``I entrust myself to God''. A few seconds later the jet's autopilot is turned off.

Egyptian officials suspect an American frame-up here, that once again, as in the Oklahoma City bombing our first instinct is to look for the nearest Arab and blame him.

They point out that "I entrust myself to God" is common among people who speak Arabic -- the kind of thing you'd say before starting ANY task -- cooking a meal, for example.

But we've also been told that the plane's elevators were in different positions, suggesting that the pilot came back to the cockpit saying something like "Let's fix this" and tried to get control. Not the kind of fact you'd include if the intent was to make all Arabs look bad.

Unfortunately -- there are no more black boxes.

The Flight Data and the cockpit audio are all we get. And the black box that we need now -- perished forever with the crew.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS PRAYER
Moved: 11/16/1999 8:23
CBS-PRAYER 11/16/99

God and Football. This is Dave Ross... 

37 years after the Supreme Court took prayer out of the
classroom, we are still trying to decide what they meant by it.

We are now at the point where you can't have a prayer in CLASS -- where kids are essentially captive -- but you CAN have a prayer at graduation, if it's led by students, and IF you live in states covered by the Fifth US Circuit Court of Appeals in New Orleans.

However, in states covered by the 3rd and 9th circuit courts, you may NOT have ANY prayers at graduation.

However whether students can pray before a FOOTBALL game is still up for grabs. And it's important enough that the Supreme Court will now take up a Texas case to decide the issue once and for all.

The actual prayers in question are pretty innocuous -- basically like grace before a meal.

The problem is consensus -- no one agrees on which prayer to pray.

But regardless of what the Supreme Court does, I think football provides the perfect mechanism to achieve that elusive consensus on prayer.

What you would do is have each team play on behalf of a particular religion.

You'd have the coin flip, and the ref would say, OK -- it's heads, "The green team will be defending the west goal and playing for reform Judaism, the red team will defend the east goal and play for the Seventh Day Adventists."

Each team would then pray a prayer provided by the denomination they represent, and then the game would start.

Now -- you can argue about religion, but you can't argue about results. If it turns out that the Ave Maria gets you into the playoffs, I think fans would finally be in agreement on which prayer to say before football games.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross.... 
Index 

CBS BANKS
Moved: 11/16/1999 8:23
CBS-BANKS 11/16/99

ATM fees live! This is DR...

A US District judge has ruled that despite local legislation banning ATM fees in Santa Monica and San Francisco, banks -- for now -- will be allowed to continue charging non-customers for using teller machines. However, victory may be fleeting: the banks will have to keep records so that if the judge is overturned, they can give the fees back.

The banks sued to keep the fees because they LIKE being able to charge $1.50 for a machine transaction that costs them about 27 cents. They figure it's justified because take a bath on teller service. It costs them about three bucks for the average teller transaction. But there's even more resistance to charging for teller service.

"OK sir, you asked for a hundred dollars ... here you are, 95, 96, 97! And have a nice day."

THAT's why bank counters are so HIGH.

Is there any way out of this?

Maybe consumer groups could help. Consumer groups are livid about these fees.

The California Public Interest Research Group says banks first made the ATM's free to get us hooked, and now we're being reeled in.

And it's true, isn't it? We hate those damn fees. 

So the consumer groups that have been leading the charge against bank fees should START BANKS of their own.

The economy is fat --- venture capital everywhere -- you guys should start a bank that does everything right: 10% interest on savings, no minimum deposit, loans for people who really NEED the money instead of only for people who can pay it back, no fees for anything EVER, and a management that trusts its customers SO MUCH that the ATM would just be a pile of bills in the lobby.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross... 
Index 

CBS SLOW READINESS
Moved: 11/15/1999 11:43
CBS-SLOW 11/15/99

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

... The feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

Here we are, 46 days from the millennium, and the end time has come if your computers still counts years in two digits.

WASHINGTON (AP) -- The President's Council on the Year 2000
Conversion cited surveys showing more than one-fourth small businesses don't intend to do anything to get ready for the New Year's rollover.

The council also said some health care providers and medical organizations "exhibit troubling levels of readiness," which could affect billing systems and patient records.

However, it reassured citizens that "Y2K problems will not cause nuclear weapons to launch themselves. Nuclear weapons launch requires human
intervention."

Let's take that part REAL SLOW: Some health care providers exhibit "troubling levels of readiness." However, nuclear weapons will not launch themselves because nuclear weapons launch requires human intervention."

Hmmm. SO don't worry, we have taken the precaution of leaving human beings in charge of nuclear missiles, don't worry, we were very careful to take all those computers that can't count right -- and put them in charge of your HEALTH CARE!

OK, now I get it! You see, the news always makes more sense when you read it, REAL SLOW.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BLACK BOX
Moved: 11/15/1999 11:43
CBS-BLACK BOX 11/15/99

Patent number 5-8-9-0-0-7-9. This is DR...

Black box number two is in hand, after an intense and dicey search, and the cockpit conversation is still inconclusive.

How many times is this drama going to be repeated?

I have letters from two listeners who want to know why, with the technology we have now, we still use black boxes.

Dave .... Why not have the data in a secure location, where it will
be made available immediately... [instead of] searching for those dang boxes?

Dave .... For God sakes; we can use a Global Positioning Satellite to find out where the Pizza place is; why can't we find out what happened to a "LARGE PLANE"? 

They have a point don't they?

And not only do they have a point -- but according to the US Patent Office, inventor Seymour Levine already has the PATENT:

Patent number 5-8-9-0-0-7-9, issued last March, a remote aircraft flight recorder and advisory system.

We can surf the web from a cell phone, Bill Gates was at Comdex Sunday demonstrating a digital dashboard that'll do everything from plan your car trip to select the music you'll hear on the way -- but when it comes to investigating why planes crash, the Navy has to scour the sea floor for a dented metal can. We have better monitoring of convenience stores.

So Levine's invention wouldn't collect just flight information -- it would also collect audio AND video from the cockpit, the passenger cabin, and the cargo bay -- and beam it to ground stations to be stored in a central location.

Because it's beamed LIVE, the information could alert maintenance people in time to PREVENT an accident.

AND in the event the plane DID go down -- the data wouldn't go down with it.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross... 
Index 

CBS LIQUOR
Moved: 11/12/1999 13:02
CBS-LIQUOR 11/11/99

A toast ... to the supreme wisdom of the taxpayers. This is DR...

Washington state is now in the vanguard of the taxpayer revolt -- thanks to Initiative 695, which cut the state's hated license tab fees to $30.

Since Washington has no income tax, the legislature figured a good way to soak the rich would be to peg license fees to the price of cars, and so fees of $700 or $800 were not uncommon for people with the nicer models. The trouble is that a lot of middle class people ALSO like to buy nice cars. 

And so when they got the chance to vote against the license tab fee, they did -- 57% voted to cut it to a flat $30. 

Not only did they sweep the license fee away, but as part of the package -- to prevent the government from making up the loss by sneaking in some other tax or user fee -- they imposed a requirement that the public would get to vote on any new tax increase INCLUDING -- and this is the important part -- "any monetary charge by government.''

ANY monetary charge by government.

That applies to county fair tickets, school lunches, the copy machine at the public library -- and something else too.

You see, Washington has State Liquor Stores. 

So while many people are wringing their hands over cuts in the highway program, cuts in the bus system, cuts in the ferry system, there is an unexpected boon to this taxpayer revolt. Washington has essentially imposed price controls on liquor.

In fact, Washington is now the only state in the nation where, unless there is a statewide vote, the price of Jack Daniels old Number 7 can go no higher than $17.50.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS EGYPT 990
Moved: 11/12/1999 13:02
CBS-EGYPT 990 11/12/99

A controlled descent. This is DR...

The Flight Data recorder is supposed to solve the mystery. Something about the airspeed or the flap position is supposed to point toward a bad bolt, or a defective thruster, or some mechanical failure that would explain why Flight 990 would suddenly plunge into the ocean.

But as it turns out, the flight data so far shows something even more chilling than that. Nothing. No mechanical failure. Everything normal. Just an unexplained decision by someone in the cockpit to switch off the autopilot, and send the plane into a dive -- or, as they say at the NTSB, a "controlled descent." Controlled descent in this case means someone decides to fly towards the ocean at about 600 miles an hour.

It could mean that the pilots were responding to a sudden decompression, bringing the plane down to an altitude where people could breathe.

But the Boston Herald quotes a source near the investigation as saying the leads now suggest this was not an accident.

Example: While in New York, just before takeoff, Hassan Sharif, one of the flight attendants, called Egypt to talk to his wife. And according to this source, he told her there was something wrong with the plane and that he was very worried.

So now, what the NTSB calls its "human factors" group is in the spotlight. They're the ones who start dissecting the lives of the passengers and crew -- to see if anyone had been behaving strangely, or held a grudge, or had financial problems, or took out a big insurance policy.

And if it WAS one of these human factors -- then what? You can fix a bad bolt, you can redesign a dangerous fuel tank -- but what do you do when the mechanical problem is holding a ticket?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS NY TAXIS
Moved: 11/12/1999 13:02
CBS-TAXIS 11/12/99

Checkered Taxis. This is DR.

The crackdown begins today in New York city. New York cops are ticketing cab drivers who refuse to pick up black passengers.

Mayor Giuliani has had it with taxi racism. It's probably been bothering him for a long time, but the last straw was when actor Danny Glover filed a complaint with the Taxi & Limousine Commission claiming five cabs failed to stop for him during his visit to New York last week. 

So here's what the cops will do:

An undercover minority officer will try to hail a cab, while his white partner is up the street, watching. If the cabbie stiffs the undercover cop of color, but picks up the undercover white cop, BAM! He gets a summons, his license gets suspended and his taxi is impounded!

The problem is -- you've tied up TWO cops to catch one cab, and what's the result? One less cab. So now NOBODY gets a ride.

Do we have to always be so NEGATIVE?

When you ask the cabbies why they, most of them minorities themselves, would avoid picking up other minorities, one reason that emerges is that they think blacks are lousy tippers. 

So suppose, instead of undercover cops of color, you seed the sidewalks with undercover rich guys of color? Get cops to masquerade as rich people -- let 'em carry around some of that DRUG-BUY money.

-- These people would then hail cabs. It might take a little doing, but some of them WOULD get rides, and when they did, they would leave these GIGANTIC tips. I mean BIG. Huge wads of fives.

I guarantee you, once a few of those stories get around, anybody who looks even a LITTLE like Danny Glover will have cabs STALKING them.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. 
Index 

CBS ATM FEES
Moved: 11/11/1999 8:57
CBS-ATM FEES 11/11/99

The people have spoken. This is DR...

The cities of San Francisco and Santa Monica have approved laws that force banks doing business in those cities to stop charging ATM fees.

So Bank of America and Wells Fargo say that starting today, when non-customers try to use ATM machines in Santa Monica -- first city to enforce the ban on fees -- their cards will be ... rejected.

Hmmmm. Apparently no one thought about that. 

Customers are angry! "Those greedy banks" they say. And they've got a point, don't they? Banks are always hoarding money! Just who do they think they are, the government?

Who runs this country, anyway? Wells Fargo, or the Santa Monica city council?

There's not a moment to lose! The council must plug up this loophole.

It must pass legislation that not only cuts the fees, but forces bank ATMs to take my card. In fact, I say we force them to take ANY card we see fit to insert.

Why should I have to carry 27 different cards in my wallet?

If I need money, I want to be able to go to the first ATM I see and get it. And if all I have is my Rite Aid Club card, that's your problem, Wells Fargo.

And as long as we're talking about bank machines -- here's another annoying thing they do. Have you noticed this? They insist that you have a positive balance in your account!

What's with that? If you have no money, does that make you a bad person?

And another thing -- We need legislation to force banks to give away toasters again. When was the last time your bank gave you a toaster?

And we also want the price of the gum in the gum ball machines rolled back to a nickel. Actually -- a gum machines should be forced to take any coin we see fit to insert!

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS NOOSE SLOW
Moved: 11/11/1999 8:57
CBS-WHITE-SLOW 11/10/99

On the CBS Radio Network... it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

... The feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

A big issue is hate crime, and what ought to be done about it, hence today's story:

DATELINE PHILADELPHIA (AP) -- 35 year old Joe Larose was convicted of ethnic intimidation and simple assault for slipping a noose around a black co-worker's neck when he wasn't looking, and tightening it.

Other employees at the downtown parking garage where the men worked testified that Larose had been joking earlier in the day about using the noose. And according to the defense, he was only joking when he slipped the noose around Dwayne Jackson's neck, tightened it, and yelled "Skin him."

OK... maybe we need to take that Real Slow:

He was only joking when he slipped the noose around Dwayne Jackson's neck, tightened it, and yelled "Skin him."

So let me get this straight. Two guys are working at a parking garage, one guy slips a NOOSE around another guy's neck, tightens it, yells SKIN him -- and the guy with the noose DOESN'T laugh? Doesn't get the joke? 

There's the problem in America today! No one has a sense of humor anymore!

But it's been that way ever since Seinfeld went off the air.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS JACKSON
Moved: 11/10/1999 8:19
CBS-JACKSON 11/10/99

We will never ever do that again! This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

High School is in session again in Decatur, Illinois -- while everybody chooses up sides over the 7 students who were expelled because of a fight at a football game.

A videotape shows the fight moving through the stands while fans scatter and in some cases cover small children.

The Board of Education decided it was serious enough to expel the seven students for two years -- but Jesse Jackson said the penalty was too much for what was only a simple fist fight, and has kept up the pressure even though one of the students with drew voluntarily, and the board reduce the penalty for the others to one year.

Tuesday night, he presided at a rally for the expelled students at the Church of the Living God, and he closed a speech to the 500 protesters gathered there by turning to the students, who sat in the front pew, and making them recite a pledge.

``We will not,'' Jackson said, and the students repeated "We will not". 

``Do that again.''

"Do that again"

``We'll behave, not fight, study, develop our minds and do the right thing.''

The young men agreed, and then apologized.

Now THAT's the key, isn't it?

Before a board of education lowers the boom on some momentarily disobedient student:

-- Call up Jesse Jackson 
-- He comes to town
-- He administers the Pledge of Good Behavior

And we can drop this. Get back to arguing over the Ten Commandments again.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross... 
Index 

CBS SLOW GATES
Moved: 11/10/1999 8:19
CBS-GATES 11/09/99

He touched me! This is DR...

It was a political fundraiser for the governor of Washington, Gary Locke, but the man who introduced him, Bill Gates.

The world's richest man, alias the world's most ruthless competitor, still beloved by 69% of the American people according to the Gallup poll, received 43 seconds of applause.

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>bill-5
Time: 4s
In-cue: 
Out-cue: office (laughter out)] 

The governor only got 34 seconds:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>locke-2
Time: 16s
In-cue: 
Out-cue: and bill gates"] 

-- Probably still in front of typewriters. What am I saying -- we'd be writing sales projections in Babylonic cuneiform!

But to truly understand the crowd's attitude, we have to read the newspaper description of the event:

(QUOTE) Gates was mobbed by the crowd as he made his way from the ballroom. People shook his hand, touched his arm, asked him for his help for various causes and urged him to keep fighting the federal government."

Let's take that REAL SLOW:

Shook his hand, TOUCHED HIS ARM, asked him for his help.

(PAUSE) Well I guess that's not so bad. Just don't start curing lepers, Bill, OK? I think it's THERE we have to draw the line. We're a little TOO close to the millennium for that kind of stuff to be going on.

If you could just stop my mouse from freezing up, that would be miracle enough.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS MELEE 11/09/99
Moved: 11/9/1999 9:01
CBS-MELEE 11/09/99

Crime and Punishment. This is DR...

In Decatur Illinois, the big issue is whether seven students should have been expelled for fighting during a football game at Eisenhower
High. The fight was bad enough that the refs had to stop the game for 10 minutes, and bad enough that the Board of Education voted to expel seven students for two years.

But a lot of parents -- and even the County Sheriff -- said the punishment was too much. So now, Jesse Jackson is involved -- not because the kids are minorities, but because he says it's unfair to kick kids out of school over what amounts to a fistfight.

Those who saw the videotape say it was more like a melee, and the police think it was a gang rumble.

But whatever the case, Jackson plans to escort the expelled kids back to school, even if it means getting arrested.

The problem here appears to be that, like a lot of schools, Eisenhower high has a ZERO tolerance policy -- ZERO tolerance for guns, for drugs, and for melees. And the trouble with a ZERO tolerance policy is that it's much too ... clear. When someone violates it, you have to act. 

So maybe Jesse's right. Maybe these ZERO Tolerance policies have to move the line from ZERO to ... oh, let's say, ONE. To expect a student to get through the ENTIRE school year without causing even ONE game-stopping melee may be unreasonable. So instead of a ZERO MELEE policy, the school board could adopt a ONE MELEE policy.

See? Your first MELEE, we understand -- sometimes, you just have to empty the stands and create panic. But you do it TWICE, then we we lower the boom. Unless enough parents object and then we consider a TWO MELEE policy. But then that's DEFINITELY it.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS BIOTERRORISTS
Moved: 11/9/1999 9:01
CBS-TERRORISM 11/09/99

This is DR...

Y2K as a disaster seems to be fading fast. But how would you like to be in Seattle -- where we woke up this morning to THIS headline: "Hospitals on Alert for Attack by Chemical Weapons."

That what greeted Seattle residents this morning.

The article points out that local hospitals are stockpiling antidotes against biological and chemical weapons, and setting up decontamination units just in case some terrorist decides to attack the meeting of the World Trade Organization -- which convenes here November 29.

I don't mind that tens of thousands of demonstrators are comign to Seattle. I don't mind that the protest organizers have even proposed that the city set up camping areas in case the protestors and the giant street puppets can't find a place to sleep. 

But the idea that some wacko might use BIOWEAPONS? Nobody said anything about that when the city made the bid for this meeting. I sure don't remember the public discussion. If somebody said "we're making a bid for the WTO and, oh yeah there could be some BIO TERRORISM" we might have encouraged another fine American city to host the meeting. Like ... Guam.

I just would like let any bio terrorists know, publicly, that I personally do not really feel that strongly about whatever it is you're against. My main reason for being in Seattle during the WTO conference is that I live here.

I can guarantee you this, however. If you come here and give everybody anthrax, I will personally oppose whatever it is you stand for and throw all your fundraising mail into the trash UNOPENED.

Plus, if the cops are a little rough with you when they arrest you, those of us who are still alive will support them 100%.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross... 
Index 

CBS INSURANCE
Moved: 11/8/1999 8:12
CBS-INSURANCE 11/08/99

A health insurance company actually makes itself look good. This is DR...

Sometimes it's amazing how you can propose an idea and it actually happens!

Some months ago, I was talking about the strange conduct of health insurance companies.

There was the case of the patient who tried to get cancer treatment for his wife, but the HMO refused. There was the heart attack victim whose doctor recommended surgery, but whose HMO wouldn't pay. There was the 15 year old disabled girl who was cut off from her doctors because her mother changed health plans.

And I pointed out that there was a pattern -- that in each of these cases, an HMO deliberately passed up a chance for good publicity, and purposely chose BAD publicity!

In each case, some HMO bureaucrat came to work that day and said, hmmmm -- how can we make these sick people even MORE miserable! -- Apparently out of fear that if they were too eager to treat sick people, suddenly millions of people would purposely become sick just to get free care!

And I made a modest suggestion -- that the next time a really sick person demands treatment -- treat him! Help him get well! How much could that cost?

And now look at this! United Health Group -- the nation's second largest health insurer -- is now going to change the way it does business. It is going to allow doctors the final say in treating patients!

Imagine! A health insurer letting DOCTORS treat patients EVEN if the insurance company staff doesn't think it's necessary.

Don't worry -- it's not as radical as you think. The reason they're doing it is that they found that just going ahead and treating people -- was CHEAPER!

Sometimes the market DOES work.

Now this.

This is DR.... 
Index 

CBS MICROSOFT
Moved: 11/8/1999 8:12
CBS-MICROSOFT 11/08/99

Bill Gates: Shameless Monopolist! This is DR...

The ruling last Friday that Microsoft is a monopoly is making Microsoft investors nervous.

The judge in the Microsoft anti-trust case pointed out that thanks to Windows, Microsoft dominates the market for computer operating systems. He pointed out that Bill Gates is not only a vigorous competitor, but that he can be just plain MEAN.

-- Very nice to schools, very nice to international health programs -- gives 'em tens of millions of dollars -- but when the CEO of a competing company is in the room, Bill gets surly.

No scholarships for them, just ultimatums -- quit competing with Windows or else.

And that's why Microsoft has a monopoly. Monopoly -- such an ugly word. 

But suppose instead we use the word ... CONSISTENCY.

Microsoft doesn't only represent a Monopoly, it represents CONSISTENCY. The dominance of Windows is like the dominance of English. No matter where you go in the world, you can find English.

It's convenient because it means no matter where you are, if you need to find the toilet, you can just ask.

And for this we can thank the British. Now -- did they give the nations they conquered a CHOICE? No! 

Well, Microsoft spread Windows the way the British Empire spread English. By intimidation.

That's why Microsoft is successful -- it owns English.

The government says that's a Monopoly. It prefers DIVERSITY -- lots of little ethnic computer systems, each with its own language.

But please -- we have come to the point where most of us can FINALLY get a computer to work without help from a teenager.

I'M for diversity, we're ALL for diversity. But not if it screws up our files.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS BUSH
Moved: 11/5/1999 8:52
CBS-BUSH 11/05/99

Unfair questions. This is DR...

"Bush Fails Quiz on Foreign Affairs" reads the headline. 

Here we go. Dateline Washington: A television reporter asked George W. Bush to name the leaders of four current world hot spots: Chechnya, Taiwan, India and Pakistan.

And the only one he knew was Taiwan. Asked about Taiwan he answered "Mr. Lee." Which is correct! (DING) Lee Teng-Hui. Of course how many people on Taiwan would answer if you yelled out "Hey Mr. Lee."

But come on -- who can name the leader of Chechnya? Oh Al Gore could, but what REGULAR person could name the leader of Chechnya? What regular person could name the governor of North Dakota? 

The TV reporter pointed out that questions were pertinent because Bush wants to the President of the United States, and part of the job is shaking hands with foreign leaders. But we know what the reporter was REALLY after. He knows that Bush once called the people of Greece Grecians, and he was hoping to trap him in another embarrassing moment. The media thinks a smart guy ought to be president.

Well, we've already GOT a smart guy as President. And look what happened!

What does it matter that he called the Greeks Grecians, or that he doesn't know which general runs Pakistan THIS week? All a president has to know is that they're all foreigners, and that when you see one, you don't give him nuclear secrets.

(THEME-- THE NATURAL)

No, Americans all across this great land are uniting behind George W. Bush -- from the New Jerzanyans of New Jersey to the Oreganos of Oregon.
From the Virgins of Virginia to the Californicators of California.

And forfeign leaders will learn to love him too -- 

From the Paki-stain-ians of Pakistan to Europeonies of Europe.

Although I'm not sure about the Latins of Latin America. Even though George W. speaks Spanish, I think THEY still have a special place in their hearts for Dan Quayle.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ESSAY
Moved: 11/5/1999 8:28
CBS-ESSAY 11/04/99

How to get an "A" in Ponder, Texas. This is DR..

13 year old Christopher Beamon of Ponder Texas is home now, after five days in jail for completing an English assignment a little too effectively.

Christopher's teacher told her class to write a Halloween horror story, but according to the young man's attorney, not only did she ask the class to write about the "most horrible thing you can think of" she also said, "Make it gory."

So he did:

(QUOTE) "We heard someone at the back door... I thought it was a crook so I busted out with a 12 gauge and Ismael busted out with a 9mm and we step off the porch and this bloody body dropped down in front of us and scared us half to death and about 20 kids started cracking up ... so I shot Matt, Jake, and Ben started laughing so hard that I accidentally shot Mrs. Henry..." (UNQUOTE) "Accidentally" spelled a-c-s-s-e-d-e-n-t-l-y.

Mrs. Henry, the teacher, liked the essay so much she gave it a perfect grade -- AND asked Christopher to read it to the class for extra credit. Bad move. The kids who were named as victims in the story told their parents. And suddenly an "A" paper became a "Terroristic Threat" in the eyes of the police -- who came to the school and arrested Christopher.

Of course, even THAT is not so surprising, given the current atmosphere. What IS surprising is that in 1999 a teacher would, #1, tell a 7th grader to write a horror story and make it gory, #2 have him read it in class even though it mentions shooting two students and the teacher herself, and #3 give it a perfect grade even though it had almost no punctuation and the word "accidentally" was spelled with two "S"'s. At least take off a COUPLE of points!

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS RANDOM ACTS
Moved: 11/5/1999 8:28
CBS-RANDOM 11/04/99

Not a random act. This is DR...

As the hunt continued n Seattle for the gunman responsible for Wednesday's double murder -- Seattle's Police Chief held a news conference to reassure everyone that this was NOT a random act. He didn't say WHAT the motive was, but indicated that this was not "crazed gunman" everyone first thought. The shipyard office was deliberately targeted, and so even though there's a murderer on the loose, life can get back to normal. Except for the families of the victims, of course.

And even as TV stations replayed video of the SWAT team's armored troop carrier, the chief pointed out that crime is actually down.

So it was not a random act, because the guy with the gun knew who he wanted to kill.

I KNOW that's supposed to be reassuring, because it's preferable to having a lunatic firing randomly, and it helps the rest of the community distance itself from the victim.

But you know, lately, what qualifies as a NON-RANDOM killing has been EXPANDING. These outbursts of office rage qualify as NON-RANDOM acts -- because the employee knows exactly who he's after. The trouble is, it sure looks random to the victims! It's not as if they could take precautions.

It's true that once the disgruntled office worker claims his victims, everyone else can relax; he's done what he came to do. The thing is -- how do we know WHICH disgruntled office worker will go off next?

In a society where anybody can get a gun -- legal or not -- we now have to assume that any offense, no matter how slight, can put you in the crosshairs.

But don't worry -- at least it won't one of those random acts by a crazed gunman. It will be a deliberate act, by a sane gunman.

I feel better!

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS PROFILES
Moved: 11/5/1999 8:27
CBS-PROFILES 11/04/99

Tips for a happier workplace. This is DR..Newspapers are so helpful. Packed with tips for better living.

Sometimes you'll even find them in shaded boxes for easy clipping. For example -- here are some tips that appeared in my local paper next to an article about the recent office shootings.

The clipping is headlined "Types of High-Risk Employees", and it's intended as a handy guide that you can use to assess the chances that a co-worker might just up and gun you down for no apparent reason:

For example, one high-risk personality type listed is the "Stranger:"

These people tend to be withdrawn, and may exhibit compulsive thinking. They might also fixate on a person in the organization.

Then there are "Actors:"

Actors act out emotions, tend to be impulsive, have exaggerated mood swings, and may be prone to rage. Hmmm -- several talk show hosts I know came to mind.

Next on the list are the "Fragmentors." Fragmentors lack insight into the relationship between their actions and consequences, fail to take responsibility for their own actions, and tend to repeat mistakes. Isn't that like... everybody you've ever worked for?

Here's another category of risky employee: the "Me-Firsts:"

These people act in their own self-interest and have a tendency to blame others.

That's RARE. Glad I don't know anybody like THAT!

According to the clipping, seeing any of these traits in the people you work with may indicate they are high-risk employees, capable of really ruining a staff meeting.

You see what this means, don't you? It means if we are to have any chance of preventing workplace violence, the solution is very simple. 

Arrest EVERYONE.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS FAXES 11/02/99 10:56
Moved: 11/4/1999 8:41
CBS-FAXES 11/02/99 10:56 PM-DLR
Fax this! This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
John R. Levine of Trumansburg, New York has had enough. Like many office
workers, he arrives at his office to find that the fax machine is out of
paper - all of it used up by overnight faxes, every one of which is
unsolicited, unwanted, and unstoppable.
And, he hopes, actionable.
Because Levine and other junk fax victims are headed to court.
Congress passed a law in 1991 - a federal law that lets recipients seek up
to $500 per unwanted fax. It worked for a while, but for some reason, the
deterrent effect has worn off, and advertisers are returning to the old
tactic of bombarding businesses with their ads, and making the business pay
for the paper.
The last straw for John Levine was a fax he got from 9 Net Avenue Inc., a
company that provides computers for Web sites. He saw the fax, decided he'
d had enough, and demanded $500. When the company didn't respond, he
gathered up his fellow victims and sued.
And they have a chance:
In May, Houston Cellular Corp., agreed to pay $400,000 to settle a lawsuit
brought by 11 fax victims in Houston.
But let me share a secret with you. For some of us, junk faxes are no
longer a problem. Because we don't have actual fax machines. We have
virtual fax machines - we have fax number that dump into a central computer
somewhere, and then turns the fax into e-mail before sending it.
And the great thing about turning a fax into e-mail is that properly filing
it is as easy as pressing the delete key.
Now this.
This is Dave Ross. 
Index 

CBS GRIFFEY
Moved: 11/4/1999 8:41
CBS-GRIFFEY 11/03/99

Oh what a bunch of sentimental suckers we are here in Seattle. This is DR...

Just a bunch of Tootsie Roll pops with baseball caps on.

We turn on the radio and hear that there has been yet ANOTHER tearful Mariners news conference, except this time -- THIS time it's not merely that the team might have to be sold, but that Ken Griffey Jr is leaving. 

In a way it was refreshing because for once no one was to blame, not the ownership, not even the politicians -- he suddenly decided he needed to be closer to his family in Orlando. Exactly 3 and a half months after his personal 517 million dollar stadium is finished.

We were told we needed that stadium to keep players like Ken Griffey, unfortunately, no one told us we were supposed to build it in Orlando! We wouldn't have had to relocate as many utilities.

Nobody's fault, a complete surprise... nothing can be done... no hard feelings... a courageous decision... thank for the memories... I would just note that when I got a job here in Seattle 21 years ago, I decided to take my family WITH ME.

Oh, it was expensive. It meant moving ALL the furniture. But I figured it would be nice to have company.

So now the Mariners will trade Ken Griffey junior. But for what?

The Atlanta Braves have been mentioned. Let's see -- we trade you Ken Griffey for -- Tom Glavin, CNN, Coca Cola, a former President, and 46 players to be named later.

But no use whining. Our new stadium is there, he DID stay long enough to break it in, and at least this time around we can go through a Mariners rebuilding period without having to wait in line for the bathroom.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS REAL SLOW
Moved: 11/2/1999 8:21
CBS-THREAT-SLOW 11/02/99

Time for another edition of News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross.

... The feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

DATELINE SEATTLE: Classes will resume today at a suburban High School -- a day after the school was closed down over a death threat posted in an Internet chat room.

According to police, a girl who used to go to the school was upset that people were using the chat room to say bad things about her younger brother. She told her boyfriend at Arizona State University, her boyfriend told a friend of HIS, and the friend decided to do something about it.

Sitting at a computer 1100 miles away, he logged on to the chat room as The Phantom, said Monday would be Doomsday, threatened to kill everyone at the high school, and even named names.

Police say that when the student found out his threats had closed down the school, he was mortified, said he meant it as a joke, and had no idea his banter would upset anyone.

REAL SLOW:

"He thought it was a joke, and had no idea his banter would upset anyone."

Hmmm. Calling yourself the Phantom. Threatening to blow up the school. Naming the people you're going to kill. And then posting it on the Internet --of course! He had no IDEA that would upset anyone!

That's because he just arrived from the PLANET DUFUS! (THEME)

You see? The news always makes more sense when you read it Real Slow.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS 990
Moved: 11/2/1999 8:19
CBS-990 11/02/99

Will anyone believe the answer? This is Dave Ross...

The wreckage had barely bobbed to the surface when I got the first e-mail from someone who was pretty sure that Egypt Air flight 990 had been shot down.

Those of us who, by instinct, tend to discount such theories might point out that the wreckage didn't look burned.

We can point out that the latest mideast negotiations in Oslo have nothing to do with Egypt, so that the plane wouldn't make sense as a target.

We can point out that of course you're more likely to have planes go down in that part of the Atlantic because air traffic is so heavy there. But we are clearly on the defensive this time.

The unanswered questions in the TWA crash three years ago -- and the government coverups in WACO basically leave people like me in the position of having to prove it was NOT a conspiracy.

I don't even know which explanation I'd rather see win out. If it was intentional, it's an outrage -- but if it was just an accident, it's even scarier. It didn't exactly bring peace of mind to be told during the TWA investigation that a 747's fuel tanks can just up and explode.

And suppose it was, as one theory suggests, the thrust reversers suddenly engaging, and throwing the plane into a dive -- as happened to the 767 that crashed eight years ago in a Thailand jungle.

Would knowing that be somehow MORE reassuring than hearing that it was a bomb?

At least with terrorists you're dealing with a man-made threat. We can mobilize the FBI, the CIA, FEMA. But if it's just a roll of the cosmic dice, even FEMA can't do much to prevent that.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS SOCIAL SECURITY
Moved: 11/2/1999 6:02
CBS-SOCIAL SECURITY 11/01/99

Save Our Surplus. This is DR...

Congress is about to send the last of the major spending bills to the White House, bills which they promise will not touch the Social Security surplus.

Oh, there are doubters -- but the Republican leadership can make that promise because it took the prudent precaution of redefining "surplus."

And why not? If the President can re-define verbs, it's only fair they get to re-define a noun or two.

They ordered the Congressional Budget Office -- Congress' official scorekeeper -- to count $18 billion in savings that the budget office doesn't think actually exists.

Republicans are gambling that the economy will bail them out. But if they're wrong, we will wake up a few days before the Presidential election and find the Social Security surplus is about 17 million short.

Which is why every one of us -- and I don't care where you are politically -- EVERY ONE of us has to pitch in.

And actually it's not hard to do. Just be a little lazier when it comes time to prepare your tax return.

Don't deduct for the underwear you gave to charity. 

Don't pretend you remember that you put $50 a week into the collection basket.

Don't try to argue that your trip to Tahiti was for a legal seminar.

Now that the IRS barely does audits anymore, there's no other way, people: we are going to have to tell the truth ON OUR OWN -- or that surplus is dead.

This is important. Because the TRUTH is important. Because we in the Baby Boom have come to understand that Social Security is no longer some distant retirement program that only affects old people. This is MY bingo money we're talking about now!

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS FIGHT CLUB
Moved: 11/2/1999 6:02
CBS-FIGHT CLUB 11/01/99

Hollywood strikes again. This is DR...

Jonathan Wills, age 16, of Auburn, Washington, is out of intensive care -- upgraded to satisfactory. And while he recovers, the debate is on over who's to blame for putting him in the hospital.

How he got there is no mystery. Jonathan was among 20 high school kids who gathered in a garage last Thursday for some amateur boxing -- and he got hit in the head -- hard enough that he fell to the ground and started going into convulsions. The question is -- why were the kids boxing in the first place. 

The police issued a news release which said they were imitating the movie Fight Club -- in which bored men beat each other up.

But let me quote from the Seattle Times article about the incident:

"Diane Wills (victim's mother) said her son had fought at the same kind of gathering two days earlier. Gloves and mouthpieces were used both times.

QUOTE: "I told him I didn't think it was such a good idea... unless there was supervision."

Reading on...

"Jonathan's brother, Michael Wills, 18, said he had also been there and that the parents of the boy hosting the fight were home. Michael Wills and his mother insist the boxing matches had nothing to do with Fight Club..."

The article continues. "Likewise Karen Caldwell (who lives across the street) said her son Shane, 17, was at the fights and hadn't seen the movie, but she said she thinks they were sparked by the movie."

So who's to blame. Well it's hard to say ... the parent across the street knew it was going on, the parent who owned the house where it happened knew it was going on, and the parent whose son got decked all KNEW it was going on.

So I guess, yeah -- it must have been the movie.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS COCA COLA
Moved: 10/28/1999 11:44
CBS-COKE 10/28/99

Just how BADLY do you want that Coke. This is DR...

According to the New York Times the Coca-Cola Company
has started testing a vending machine with a chip that can sense the outside temperature -- so that the machine can automatically raise
prices for its drinks in hot weather.

The marketers have Coke have noticed that the vending machines tend to empty faster in hot weather, therefore, under the law of supply and demand, it ought to cost more. But the technology didn't exist.

Now it does... so Coke machines of the future could sense heat, humidity, windspeed, barometric pressure, and tailor the price accordingly.

So that on a cold day when you're not thirsty, the price of a can is, say, a quarter, but on a hot dry day in the middle of the summer, TWO BUCKS, pal. I imagine they could even program them to sense when the nearby Pepsi machine runs out and jack up the price even FURTHER. In fact, you could probably set up a machine that has people bidding against each other for the last can... (ROBOT VOICE) "Five dollars going once. Five dollars going twice..."

Ingenious! And now you know what else I want? An EMPLOYEE wage chip. Maybe implanted in your ID tag -- which would let you change your WAGE rate from moment to moment.

For example, I would think that workers at Coca Cola bottling plants around the world, once they've read this article, might decide that having to work at the bottling plant on those hot summer days REALLY deserves two or three more dollars an hour.

Especially if it's that really DRY heat.

Now this.

This is DR.... 
Index 

CBS ANIMALS
Moved: 10/28/1999 11:44
CBS-ANIMALS 10/28/99

Talk to the animals. This is DR...

The F-B-I is warning animal research scientists to watch out for booby trapped letters. An animal-rights group called ``Justice Department'' -- claims responsibility for mailing dozens of letters with razor blades inside the envelope flap -- positioned to cut whoever opens them.

This is just the latest battle over the use af animals in experiments -- some of which can certainly be pretty gruesome -- but medical progress depends upon them. You're not going to see these amazing new AIDS drugs and cancer drugs unless you do animal research.

And for all we know the animals are with us on this. Scientists are starting to teach them to communicate -- we could probably just ask them. 

Let's ask Fluffy, the Wonder Rabbit -- Fluffy's right here. Fluffy -- you understand the reason for medical research on animals, don't you?

It's used to study human disease, you understand that, right?

That's why you're a Wonder Rabbit. And you know that this research is done to develop new lifesaving drugs.

And you also know that the animals don't always survive, but that they probably go to a better place.

And therefore you accept that ... huh? Well, what I mean by that is -- huh? No Thumper will not be coming back. I'm afraid Flopsy is gone too. Well I know they told you it was a business trip, it's just that it was a one way business trip.

OK, back in the cage, Fluffy.

Look people, it's a tough world.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS ROSE
Moved: 10/27/1999 8:45
CBS-GRAY 10/27/99

Tossing softballs. This is DR...

Talk about ruining a moment. Tenth inning, game 3, World Series, Chad Curtis -- not exactly a household name -- smacks the winning homer, and after the game, reporter Jim Gray walks up to him for the traditional, "How does it feel to win the game" interview.

And Curtis says, sorry, but because of the way you questioned Pete Rose the guys have decided not to talk to you. This was for you Grandma, and goodbye, off he goes.

There goes Jim Gray ruins another joyous baseball moment just by being alive.

Daring to question a baseball player who has taken a vow of silence.

Baseball players have a code of silence.

The fans have made it clear -- Hardball on the field, softball off the field.

So if I could gather all the reporters together here -- let's all make sure this never happens again.

Repeat after me. Good evening Mr. Rose.

(REPEAT)

It's a beautiful night out for baseball.

(REPEAT)

And this is a beautiful moment.

(REPEAT)

How 'BOUT that low inflation rate, Pete.

(REPEAT)

That Pat Buchanan guy is a nut, isn't he?

(REPEAT)

And for appearing on our pre-game interview

(REPEAT)

Here's a Rolex.

(REPEAT)

Congratulations -- now the Yankees will talk to all of us.

Chad, we've learned our lesson. 
Index 

CBS BUDGET2
Moved: 10/27/1999 8:45
CBS-BUDGET 10/27/99

Spreading the pain painlessly. This is DR.

Budget negotiations go on in Washington. Republicans are trying to get the President to go along with a 1.4% across the board budget cut. But the President won't do it.

He says it would be too damaging to defense, education and other programs.

But everytime he says that, Senate Majority Leader Lott says, "It's just a penny of every dollar! It's just a penny of every dollar."

See, I don't get it. It's not as if they didn't know they had to write a budget -- they've had it since February, right? If they wanted to cut it 1.4%, they could have cut it long ago. Or they could have cut a few of those studies and highway demonstration projects.

Now the budget is four weeks late and it's YIKES! We had no idea we spent so much!

But -- to prove their hearts are in the right place, to prove they are willing to share the pain, the Congressional leadership has agreed to include congressional salaries in the across-the-board spending cut.

This will show how serious they are about working out a budget deal.

Let me read you how that cut would work. From the Associated Press dispatch. The 1% reduction means that lawmakers' pay -- now scheduled to rise to more than 141-thousand dollars in January -- would increase instead to nearly 140-thousand.

That's right, we're back to the old definition of pay cut. If your pay goes up, but it it's not by as much as you'd hoped, it's a pay cut.

And when you think of it -- it's the best kind of pay cut:

It's the best of both worlds -- it means you have more money to spend, but you can still complain about it.

Now this.

This is DR ... 
Index 

CBS BUDGET
Moved: 10/26/1999 9:57
CBS-BUDGET 10/26/99

Stop us before we spend again. This is DR...

Republicans in the House say government spending has to be cut by one-point-four percent across-the-board. They say it shouldn't be any trouble at all to find 1.4% in savings.

And they should know.

For example: the new 268 billion dollar spending bill for the Pentagon. I'm sure it's a lean, mean streamlined budget, but I also notice that it includes projects like a helicopter carrier in Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott's district, and F-15 fighters in minority leader Dick Gephardt's district.

I notice that the Environmental Protection Agency bill includes $15 million for a counterterrorism project at Dartmouth, which happens to be in the home state of Sen Judd Gregg, chair of the sub committee that funds the Justice Department.

And I see representative David Obey of Wisconsin got 12 million dollars for a federal highway project that will, at long last, help Americans get from Chippewa Falls to Mount Elk.

Plus, there's a program to re-had an old military base in New York, money for an astronomy exhibit in Philadelphia, a study of Hawaiian Monk seals and -- well, you can see why members are insisting on a 1.4% across the board cut. They're claiming temporary insanity, apparently.

At least there was one deal which shouldn't cost too much.

In this deal, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention will be named after Senator Tom Harkin, top democrat on the committee that sets its budget; and in exchange, the Republicans get to name the National Library of Medicine after Senator Arlen Specter.

At least their names are short. 

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS FALWELL
Moved: 10/26/1999 9:57
CBS-RELIGION 10/26/99

Not enough in common. This is DR.

This is beginning to scare me. Fundamentalist Jerry Falwell invites 200 followers of a homosexual minister to attend services at his church in Lynchburg -- and they are CORDIAL to each other! It was the culmination of a weekend anti-violence forum arranged by Mel White -- ghost writer of Falwell's autobiography who later came out, and has been working recently to soften the anti-gay rhetoric coming from the right.

Both apologized for harsh words said in the past and discussed ways to reduce violence against gays and Christians.

There was a limit -- they two sides didn't eat together. Falwell still believes homosexuality is a sin, and you don't eat with sinners, but that he agreed to the event at all HAS to signal that the end times are near.

Meantime at the Vatican, representatives of 20 of the world's religions met to discuss global problems, and heard a message from Patriarch Bartholomew I, spiritual leader of the world's Orthodox Christians, who denounced exploitation of religion for political goals, and urged religions to cooperate in opposition to extremism.

However when delegates break from their meetings for an evening of prayer -- they will pray separately, by faith, rather than together, because as one Vatican official said, a common prayer would be ``full of theological difficulties."

And yet these religions DO have ONE belief in common. They all clearly believe that God wants his people to worship separately. They all believe that God looks down, and says to himself -- I sure hope they don't all go into the same church and actually pray TOGETHER, or sit down and EAT together!

With the millennium this close I hope -- for their sakes -- that they're right.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS RON's ANGELS
Moved: 10/25/1999 7:24
CBS-RONSANGELS 10/23/99 9:16 AM-DLR

Grade-A offspring. This is DR...

Women donating their eggs is nothing new, but women AUCTIONING their eggs?

Yes, here it is -- internet auctions of human eggs, and the man behind it is Fashion pho-tog Ron Harris. 40 years in the business -- so he figures he knows beauty. Starting today, he is offering the eggs of eight models in an on-line auction at www.ronsangels.com.

Minimum bid, 15,000.

A spokesman for the American Society of Reproductive Medicine calls the auction ``unethical'' and ``distasteful.''

But Harris points out it is human nature to strive to improve everything: fruits, vegetables, animals, and humans. Not that he wants a super society of only beautiful people. No, he says his auction simply mirrors current society, in that beauty always goes to the highest bidder anyway.

Beauty, he says, is evolution. And that's about the only qualification the egg sellers have to have. 
They have to be young and gorgeous.

Here's one listing: She's 25, Measurments: 34B, 25, 36, She's 5' 6", her Mother is 45, her Grandmother is 79.

Minimum Bid: $30,000

So there it is: a human henhouse.

But it strikes me as too risky at the price. If you truly want a kid who looks like a model, what you really want is not eggs, but a clone, right?

Your 30,000 actually buys only HALF the kid. And you can't even be sure it's the half you'll eventually get.

Which means all you're really buying for your 30,000 is the right to say your kid is related to a supermodel. Prompting your friends to say, "Gee, what happened?" 

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

BUDGETCU.CBS 10/23/99 10:
Moved: 10/25/1999 7:24
BUDGETCU.CBS 10/23/99 10:37 PM-DLR

Bean counters of America, unite! This is DR...

Congress and the President still can't agree on how to write the federal budget for fiscal year 2000 -- which is too bad since fiscal year 2000 started four weeks ago.

Actually, maybe it's not too bad, because while the budget remains in limbo, the Treasury has had no choice but to use all the surplus revenue coming in pay off the debt. By one calculation this means that the entire national debt could be paid off in about 15 years -- assuming Congress and the President can find a way to continue doing nothing.

So the pressure is on in Washington to find stuff to spend money on. And BOTH sides are engaged in this. They hate to cut unnecessary programs, because they can't FIND any.

Maybe they're right. but just in case, I'm going to try a little experiment. I've put links to the federal budget on my web site at www.daveross.com.

And I would like to invite EVERY ONE of you with a little extra time to take a crack at making a few cuts.

I am looking for people who are really to dig in and find the waste.

You go to www.daveross.com, click on "budget project," and follow the directions.

Then I would like you to e-mail me the name of any agency whose existence strikes you as unnecessary. And we'll come up with a list of our own. So the next time something proposes new stuff to pay for, we'll be ready with have a list of old stuff to STOP paying for.

www.daveross.com.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

~C:\WORKS\FILES\BUDGETCU.CBS 
Index 

CBS YOUNG EXEC
Moved: 10/22/1999 7:50
CBS-YOUNG EXEC 10/22/99 (FULLER)

Too young to tango. This is DR...

November is a big month in the computer biz -- it's the month for Fall Comdex, the big Las Vegas computer beauty pageant, where all the new machines and software debut.

Bill Gates will be there. Carly Fiorina of Hewlett Packard will be there. And Mike Lavers, Chief Technical Officer of Matrixcubed Internet Services of Redmond, Washington, with 200 clients and revenues approaching a million dollar a year, would LIKE to be there. But he won't. Because he can't. He isn't allowed. Comdex rules state that participants have to be at least 18. Mike Lavers is 17. Andrew Lavers, the company's support manager, won't be there either -- he's 14.

The company's Chief Operating Officer, Dave Lavers, can go. He's Mike's father. But it's his son who founded the company three years ago -- and it's his son who has the know-how to cut the deals with other service providers and credit card companies. It's a little humiliating when a chief technical officers has to send his DAD to negotiate with potential partners, but rules are rules, and Comdex isn't going to change them.

He ought to do what other 17 year olds do -- just get phony ID. But Comdex is probably on to that. They probably card everybody. Have to. Otherwise the place would be flooded with teenagers making themselves into millionaires instead of sneaking cigarettes from convenience stores like they're supposed to.

So if you're looking to do a deal with Matrixcubed Internet Services at Comdex, you'll have to deal with the Chief Operating Officer. Because the Chief Technical Officer will be at home, doing his homework.

Now this.

This is DR...
\ 
Index 

CBS CRACK 10/21/99 10:23
Moved: 10/22/1999 7:50
CBS-CRACK 10/21/99 10:23 PM-DLR
Billboard wars. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
Barbara Harris has become famous for paying crack moms 200 dollars not to
have more children.
She started the program after adopting four babies who were second-hand
crack addicts; courtesy of their mother. It didn't make sense to her that
addicts should keep producing addicted children, so she set up a non-profit
group called Children Requiring A Caring Kommunity . . . C-R-A-C-K for
short.
And instead of elaborate programs staffed by counselors and intervention
specialists, CRACK just flat out pays women who can prove they're addicted
200 bucks to give up their fertility, either through birth control or
sterilization.
She's drawn her share of critics, but it was in Oakland this week that she
really struck a nerve. Last Tuesday, minutes after one of her billboards
was put up at West Grand Avenue and Market Street, protesters pulled it
down, spit on Barbara Harris, and accused her of racial genocide.
``I resent her coming here and putting that up in a black neighborhood,''
said a cosmetologist.
Said Ethel Long-Scott, executive director of the Women's Economic
Agenda Project, ``Yes poor women should be using birth control, but they
shouldn't be enticed to sell their ability to reproduce.''
Hmmm. Well then, if you really feel that way ... there's only one thing to
do. Fight fire with fire! Ms. Long-Scott and the other protesters should
put up a billboard of their own. If Barbara Harris wants to pay $200 to
women who make the promise, why they could pay them an extra FIFTY to break
the promise and keep on having addicted babies! I'm sure every one of those
outraged protesters will want to adopt one, or maybe even four - the way
Barbara did.
Now this.
This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS KLAN 10/21/99 11:42 P
Moved: 10/22/1999 7:49
CBS-KLAN 10/21/99 11:42 PM-DLR

Hoods in the hood. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

It's official - by order of two federal judges, members of the Ku Klux Klan
can stage a Manhattan rally wearing their white hoods. Lawyers for the city
had tried to unmask them by invoking an 1845 state law that bars groups from congregating in public places in masks or disguises, but the judges didn't buy it. A wise decision, for indeed, don't all of us wear a mask in public? Are we really who we seem to be? I sometimes wish people with something to hide WOULD wear a big silly mask. Make 'em easier to spot.

In any case, according to the Associated Press the 50 to 80 participants will go ahead with their plans to march on Saturday wearing their hoods.
50 to 80 participants. That's the problem here -- there are more than 7
million people in New York City, and only 50 to 80 of them are in the Klan.

It needs more members. Because the more members and organization has, the more their philosophy gets watered down. Imagine if normal people started joining up. You could do it -- everybody looks the same with a sheet over him. Pretty soon you'd see changes. Small at first. A suggestion that the group move to a nicer Percale sheet, perhaps. And then one day, when you've gained the trust of the Grand Dragon, all of you vote in favor of a resolution that from now on we march wearing big plastic Goofy heads.

And soon, the Klan is just another act in the Macy's Parade.
Indeed, I believe it is the duty of every normal person to infiltrate at
least ONE extremist organization so that eventually we smother them in moderation.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS FCC
Moved: 10/21/1999 7:12
CBS-FCC 10/21/99

Better living through the free market. This is DR....

The news today is that the FCC is freeing up radio frequencies for the latest traffic control technology. This will include smart, radio controlled traffic lights that will hold a longer green light or change a red light for emergency vehicles.

But I saw this news item and began thinking -- 

Why should the ability to change traffic lights be limited to emergency vehicles? They're not the only ones in a rush. There are LOTS of impatient people who consider red lights an excessive inconvenience.

Why not adopt a free-market solution to the problem of impatience?

Why can't the civilization that produced InterNET AUCTIONS use this new technology for Intersection AUCTIONS.

Intersection AUCTIONS. As you approached a red light, you would decide just how badly you want it to change. And there would be a little button on the steering wheel, right next to the cruise control. You press it once if you're willing to pay ONE dollar; twice for TWO dollars -- as high as you can afford to go.

And if yours is the winning bid, among the cars within range of the traffic light, it changes in your favor, and your account is automatically billed using the same wireless billing technology used in hi-tech toll booths.

It channels road rage.

It also encourages car pools. Their combined purchasing power can outbid everybody.

And the money would build something cool like, oh, I dunno, roads with enough lanes.

Now I know some will say this system is elitist, that it benefits only the rich; but the solution to THAT is simple -- just find an expensive car, and follow it.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS SLOW ELEVATOR
Moved: 10/21/1999 7:12
CBS-SLOW-ELEVATOR

Time for another edition for News Read Real Slow.... (THEME) This is DR.

... The feature for people who think the reason the news confuses them is that broadcasters read too fast.

Dateline NY: An elevator became a chamber of horror for a magazine editor who found himself trapped in the McGraw-Hill building in midtown Manhattan.

Nicholas White screamed, banged the alarm, and pounded on the doors — but spent Friday night, all day Saturday, and half of Sunday between the 13th and 14th floors until a security guard finally noticed him at 3:30 Sunday afternoon.

His misery was apparently all recorded by a VIDEO camera in the elevator.

Let's take that REAL SLOW:

(DRUM BEAT)

"A VIDEO camera in the elevator"

Hmm. And he still spent 40 hours stuck. Now why would there be a video camera in the elevator? Could the reason be... so that someone might LOOK at the IMAGES it produces?

Or maybe ... maybe it has finally happened!

Video cameras in convenience stores, in parking garages, in airports, in elevators -- that's IT! We have finally RUN OUT OF PEOPLE TO LOOK AT THEM all!

Why, there could be thousands of editors stuck in elevators who will never get out until the mail starts piling up. (HIGH VOICE) "Honey? Are you home? Funny, he wasn't here yesterday either."

This is HORRIBLE! All those cameras and no one watching! There's only one solution: the Elevator Channel. All elevator cams, all the time -- with a toll-free number at the bottom of the screen which you call if you're channel surfing and you notice a really dehydrated guy yelling a lot.

Now this. This is Dave Ross on the CBS RADIO network. 
Index 

CBS ELIZABETH
Moved: 10/20/1999 7:50
CBS-DOLE 10/20/99

We missed the election! This is DR...

Election Day is the first Tuesday in November.

But we discover this morning there was another election.

Third Tuesday in October. As in -- yesterday. Because apparently it was yesterday that America voted no on Elizabeth Dole. 

She attended one last fundraiser in Indiana, and that was it. She's out. 

She's out despite a strong finish in the Iowa straw poll. She's out even though she was ahead of every other candidate except the favorite son himself, George W. 

But those aren't the kind of votes that count at this stage.

In the last three months, she only raised a million dollars. By comparison, Bush raised $20.2 million. By further comparison, Martha Stewart raised a BILLION dollars in one day. Elizabeth Dole is a smart lady, but she clearly doesn't have what it takes to be president, namely, a better Rolodex.

Which means the message is this. If you have a favorite Republican candidate other than George W or Steve F, better vote now. You already have the absentee ballot -- it's in your check book, waiting for you to fill it out, and there's not a moment to lose.

I know you THINK the election is still over a year away, but as Elizabeth Dole found, the voting is going on every day.

There could be other reasons. She could be angling for vice President. She might miss Bob. He certainly looks kind of lonely in that commercial of his.

But more likely, she is just the latest casualty of an election system where people of ordinary means you have no chance of winning unless their supporters vote early, and vote often.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross... 
Index 

CBS BUSH 10/20/99
Moved: 10/20/1999 7:50
CBS-BUSH 10/20/99

Did he or didn't he, the saga continues. This is DR...

You've heard that there is a new biography of George W. Bush that finally
puts the cocaine allegations between hard covers.
The book alleges that the younger Bush was arrested for possession in 1972
and that the matter was dropped after his father arranged some community
service. The court record was then -- allegedly -- cleansed by a judge who
owed his father a favor.
George Bush Senior called it vicious lie; George W called it ridiculous.
Meantime, no denial so far about ANOTHER version of the community service
story -- which appears in ANOTHER George W biography.
This version says that George W's community service was arranged by his
father to teach him a lesson after he drove drunk with his younger brother
Marvin in the car.
Haven't heard much about that one. I guess in the hierarchy of scandal, a
little drunk driving back before we knew it was bad is no big deal.
But when I look at these allegations, my reaction is -- that's it? Here we
have the freest press on earth and all we can get is an allegation old
enough to need Carbon 14 dating?
This was 1972! The Dean Martin Comedy Hour was still on the air.
27 years is enough time for radicals from the Weather Underground to start
new lives as dentists.
Heck, if he'd been involved in TERRORISM 27 years ago, he'd probably have a pardon by now...
Wait -- theres' an idea! This could be President Clinton's gift to America.
The thing that rekindles the love and confounds the critics. He could
PARDON George W. Bush! That would free up the press to find dirt on Steve Forbes.

Now this. This is
DR.... 
Index 

CBS CRIME
Moved: 10/19/1999 7:12
CBS-CRIME 10/18/99

Crime Busters. This is DR...

Nobody can deny the crime is going down. Murder, rape, robbery have all been dropping. The only question is WHY. Politicians especially want to know, because if it turns out to be something they voted for, they can take credit for it.

On the right, you we have people who say it's prisons, cops, and private firearms. If you're in jail, you can't break the law. They point out that the drop in crime coincides with the increase in average prison terms for crooks.

On the left you have people who say it's jobs, education, and social justice. If you're employed and happy, you don't NEED to break the law. They point out that the drop in crime coincides with the improvement in the economy.

There was even a study by two respected professors which concluded that legalized abortion may explain it. They found that half of the overall crime reduction from 1991 to 1997 was likely because fewer children were born into the kind of messed up families that typically incubate criminals.

There's only one problem with gathering statistics like this: it's a waste of time!

Because we all KNOW how to stop crime. We don't need statistics! You jail more criminals they can't commit crimes! Well then -- here's an idea -- let's drop this jury still and just let the arresting officer convict suspects! 

And if having fewer messed up children is the answer, well, we could pre-emptively lock up anyone who was abused as a child, or is a drop out -- pick your group!

Crime would drop precipitously.

Because we all KNOW how to stop crime. The ONLY question is whether you commit a WORSE crime in the process.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS PRICES
Moved: 10/19/1999 7:10
CBS-PRICES 10/19/99

Inflating inflation. This is DR...

The Labor Department reports consumer prices rose four-tenths of one percent in September -- biggest increase in five months.

This is what we call the inflation rate, and it's an important number, because it determines Social Security payments.

Social Security checks are pegged to this number, so the average Social Security payment for a couple goes up $32, or about 2.4%. In all 44 million people will get more money because of this new inflation number.

Which means that inflation can itself cause inflation.

So it's important to know how the Labor Department arrives at that number. And we can find out just by reading the Associated Press dispatch which says:

"Inflation at the consumer level jumped 0.4 percent ... reflecting sharply higher prices for gasoline, cigarettes and clothing."

Wait a second. Run that back. Gasoline, CIGARETTES, and clothing??

That's right. The inflation rate is based in part on the price of cigarettes!

Now I can understand raising retirement payments because food is more expensive, or because CLOTHES are more expensive -- but to raise retirement payments because the price of cigarettes went up?

And they're up a LOT -- 6.5%. You know why? Those big court settlements.
So tobacco companies get hammered with lawsuits, they raise prices to pay them off, and the government raises Social Security payments so it's easier for retired people to support the very companies off of whom we are suing the pants? Sheesh!

If you're going to peg retirement payments to something -- peg them to the price of golf clubs.

Now this.

This is DR.... 
Index 

CBS ALPHABET
Moved: 10/18/1999 7:13
CBS-ALPHABET 10/18/99

Internet anxiety. This is DR...

Wherever Elizabeth Dole speaks, she pitches her two favorite issues: 
the war on drugs -- AND her plan to require schools and libraries to protect children from pornography on the Internet.

That seems to be the latest front in the culture war -- the Internet, and how to protect children from it.

But childrens' exposure to dangerous material has been going on for a long time, long before the Internet, and long before the current presidential campaign.

The real danger to our children comes NOT from the Internet, but from something even more pervasive and insidious. I refer, of course, to the ALPHABET.

Perhaps you've noticed: Today's children are picking it up earlier and earlier. They go to power pre-schools that have them singing their ABC's before they can walk. 

Now the alphabet would be an innocent string of characters, nothing more than a series of line drawings to occupy young hands -- except what inevitably happens once kids learns their letters is that they start putting them together. And there is NOTHING -- NOTHING that limits how those letters can be arranged. 

Sure, the alphabet can be used to spell good words -- words like "God" and words like "Country". But as many a shocked parent soon discovers, it can also be used to spell BAD words. Words like "SOFT MONEY" and "POKEMON."

How I wish we could identify the most dangerous letters! Then we could prohibit children from using them until they reach 18. But the problem is that even suspect letters like "X" can occasionally be used for legitimate purposes.

So I wish Elizabeth Dole all the luck in the world when she crusades against the excesses of the Internet. But I fear that the REAL problem is more fundamental than that.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS DOLLS
Moved: 10/15/1999 9:06
CBS-DOLLS 10/13/99

Dangerous clothes. This is DR....

Armella Wharton of Medford, Oregon grew up during the Great Depression, and did without a lot of things. One of the things she missed the most was having dolls to play with. 

Well now, at the age of 77, and having plenty of time to set the world right, she thought she'd make some doll clothes and donate them to a children's shelter. So for six months she made velvet Barbie dresses, Barbie wedding gowns with beads, denim Barbie jackets with fringe -- 300 outfits.

She offered them to Dunn house -- a home for battered women and their children, and was told no thank you:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>DOLLS-REJECT-2
Time: 18s
In-cue: 
Out-cue: BEAUTIFUL FIGURE] 

Beautiful, perhaps - but the Director of Dunn House, Maggie Jordan, said Barbie represents a culture that treats women as objects and can contribute to domestic violence. Armella was in tears.

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>DOLLS-REJECT-1
Time: 14s
In-cue: 
Out-cue: SEX SYMBOL] 

Armella could easily have let the rejection of her gift get the best of her. But she didn't. She gave the Barbie clothes to kids who DID want them, and asked the shelter what would be more appropriate for their kids. Rejection or not, she was not about to cross them off her list:

[Cart No: <1 Active Carts>DOLLS-REJECT-UPDATE
Time: 6s
In-cue: 
Out-cue: YOUNGER ONES] 

Her next project -- stuffed animals, which the shelter will be happy to accept.

Tell me -- can the world ever get enough people like Armella Wharton?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS HOMOSEXUALITY
Moved: 10/15/1999 9:05
CBS-HOMOSEXUALITY 10/14/99

I have spoken! This is DR...

Maybe you saw the headline: Gays Urged to Renounce Homosexuality. And it was a story about Rev. Jerry Falwell, who lectured via satellite hookup to a group of gays and lesbians in San Francisco. His message was "God loves you, and just as people can come out of the closet, so people can choose to come out of a sinful lifestyle."

Jerry Falwell -- lecturing on the evils of homosexuality in San Francisco. By satellite. Gutsy!

So gutsy, a protester threw a blueberry pie at one of Falwell's organizers. (Don't worry -- it was a vegan pie; no animals were harmed.)

But it made me wonder whether Jerry Falwell has it right when he says God doesn't like homosexual behavior.

I'm pretty sure God KNOWS all about it, being all-knowing, and then when I heard the news about the six billionth child being born in Bosnia, it came to me.

What if He not only knows about this kind of behavior, it but INVENTED it -- as part of His divine plan?

He DOES work in mysterious ways. What if God looked down and said, 

"(ECHO) I know all about the rules in what you call the Old Testament, but my children have an overpopulation problem. And since I am a loving God I have designed a lifestyle that allows some small percentage of them to find love without reproducing.

"Since I hate war and famine, and I hate artificial birth control, I will have people of the same sex fall in love -- so that they will find companionship, and fulfillment, and yes, passion, WITHOUT ruining all of creation OR wasting any more of my beautiful blueberries."

(ECHO OFF) 

But then, if Rev. Falwell doesn't think God feels this way, who is God to disagaree?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS PROLIFERATION SONG
Moved: 10/15/1999 9:05
CBS-PROLIFERATION 10/15/99

On the CBS Radio Network... (MUSIC) This is Dave Ross.

Yeah, the President is pretty upset that the Senate wouldn't ratify the Test Ban Treaty. But come on Mr. President -- lighten up!

PROLIFER.SNG 10/14/99 7:50 PM-DLR 1:33 K-8 CASS-31 

It's proliferation!
It's proliferation!
There's a party happenin' right here
And its spreading - throughout the hemisphere
Let's work together - to reach our goal
To make Nevada rock and roll

Let's proliferate come on.
It's proliferation!

- Join in everyone,
Bring your plutonium
Come on in, there's lots of room.
Kaboom!
It's proliferation
Now every two-bit nation
Can end their altercations
With prompt obliteration
And every complication
Can be solved by...
Ox-idation 
Index 

CBS DOCTORS DAN
Moved: 10/15/1999 9:05
CBS-DOCTORS 10/15/99

Caught in the act of providing health care! This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Even with managed care, it's amazing how much a visit to the hospital can cost. But if you had to choose between saving a little money, or
spending one extra day in the hospital, just to be sure, what would you do?

You'd rather be healthy enough to work off your bills if you had to, right?

And that's what makes the newest idea of a group of Massachusetts doctors so confusing. The Mount Auburn Cambridge Independent Practice Association Incorporated -- try writing that on a check -- is a group of 350 doctors. They got together and decided that unnecessary days in the hospital are a big problem for patients. It raises costs. So on November first, they will start imposing FINES on doctors who prescribe
unnecessary days. 250 dollars PER wasted day.

-- The definition of a wasted day was to be determined by case managers. The Boston Globe got hold of an internal memorandum which says that these case managers will look over the doctor's shoulder -- and if they see what they consider a wasted day, they will CALL the misguided doctor and prescribe what's called "alternative treatment plans."

Which sounds like a fancy way of saying "here's your crutches, there's the
door."

If that doctor disagrees then the dispute goes before a committee of a dozen other doctors from the group.

Who I guess will open the meeting with an icebreaker like -- "so, Dr. Welby, providing a little TOO MUCH health care again, I see..."

Of course, the doctors group is only looking out for their patients. But for some reason there's nothing in the story about the committee CONSULTING the patient.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS WILT CHAMBERLAIN
Moved: 10/13/1999 7:55
CBS-CHAMBERLAIN 10/13/99

Wilt Chamberlain. This is DR...

The media is so cold. Poor Wilt Chamberlain dies alone, and in addition to mentioning his 100 point game, and his 31,000 career points, they have to mention that other record. The 20,000 women, or as he himself broke it down, an average of 1.2 per day, starting at age 15. 

Why'd he have to write that book? By all accounts this was a generous, kind, and genuinely happy man comfortable with his fame, and confident about his talent, and yet when he wrote that book, he added a statistic that would haunt all the others.

And it's unfair, because there are probably players who got around JUST as much, if not more -- though it's hard to imagine. But HE wrote it down.

Why, why, why? It wasn't as if his conversations had been taped, or that there were bimbo eruptions to pre-empt, or illegitimate kids popping up -- in fact kids are the one category where his record is zero.

He tried to explain why in an interview he gave last May to Philadelphia sports anchor Al Meltzer.

He said he wanted to show that sex was a great part of his life, just as basketball was a great part of his life -- and he chose the number 20,000 because he thought it was pretty accurate and because it was a nice round number that would impress people.

As for any men who might be tempted to admire his conduct he said this:

"With all of you men out there who think that having a thousand different ladies is pretty cool, I have learned in my life that having one woman a thousand different times is much more satisfying."

So he was simply sharing a painful lesson. Although it represents one of the steeper learning curves.

The real lesson here though is, if you would be a hero, let your records speak for themselves; don't give the post game interview.

Now this.

This is DR ... On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS POTTER
Moved: 10/13/1999 7:54
POTTER.CBS 10/12/99 7:35 PM-DLR 1:28

Time for another edition of ... News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross on
the CBS Radio Network.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason they're
baffled by current events is that we announcers read too darn fast.

Dateline, COLUMBIA, S.C. (AP) -- Children clamor for the three best-selling
books about Harry Potter, but not everyone loves the fictional orphan who
attends a school for wizards.

A group of parents on Tuesday persuaded the South Carolina Board of
Education to review whether the books should be allowed in schools,
complaining that they are too violent for children.
``The books have a serious tone of death, hate, lack of respect and sheer
evil,'' said one parent.

Let's take that REAL SLOW:

``The books have a serious tone of death, hate, lack of respect and sheer
evil."

Well that IS bad ... so let's see what else we could have the kids read.
Little Red Riding Hood! A large predatory animal consumes a helpless old
woman, then uses her clothes to cross-dress in hopes of molesting an
innocent child.

Maybe not. How about Hansel and Gretel? Two victims of child abuse are
left to wander unattended in the woods until they are enslaved by a
reclusive cannibal who plans to roast them until she is herself cremated by
the traumatized captives. Hmmm. Parents are going to hate that.
Well, then, there's only one solution. The school board will have to write
its OWN childrens' book where there is no villain, no suspense, everyone is
law-abiding, and nothing bad happens.
Then kids will get back to using books the way they OUGHT to be used. As a
hiding place for their Pokemon cards.
Now this. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
~C:\WORKS\FILES\POTTER.CBS 
Index 

CBS BAUER
Moved: 10/12/1999 7:17
CBS-BAUER 10/11/99

Nobody's business. This is DR...

Republican presidential hopeful Gary Bauer wants his well-heeled rival Steve Forbes to fire some people.

You may recall that Bauer had to call a strange news conference to deny rumors -- and that's all they were, there was no investigation, no deposition, no tapes, no nothing, just rumors -- that he had an affair with an aide.

The rumors were traced to a former member of his own campaign, Charles Jarvis, who had quit and gone over to the Forbes campaign -- as an unpaid consultant.

Jarvis' charge was that Bauer spent (QUOTE) ``hours and hours and hours behind closed doors with a young, single woman.''

He said nothing else, he simply let the implication fester, which it did. Bauer, after all, was one of Bill Clinton's biggest critics; he believes that the private man defines the public man. So he had to take the bait and hold the news conference which then transformed the rumor into legitimate news.

Bauer had hoped the news conference would end it, but it apparently didn't, because reporters kept asking him about it in New Hampshire, prompting him to say (QUOTE) ``If Steve Forbes had character, I think he would fire some people.''

Who's right, and who's wrong we don't know. But we do know this. Rumors in the workplace HURT people, don't they? Rumors such as whether so and so are sleeping together or whether so and so is GAY.

And Gary Bauer now understands first hand what this preoccupation with people's sex lives can do.

As a candidate with the ear of Christian Conservatives, he could take a stand: that a candidate's personal life is his own business. And if he spends time alone with a campaign aide, no matter WHAT happened - if his wife doesn't care, why should anybody else?

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS NUCLEAR TESTING
Moved: 10/12/1999 7:13
CBS-TEST BAN 10/12/99

Stop worrying, love the bomb. This is DR...

Nuclear Testing -- that's the big discussion now in Washington, D.C. For many of us in the baby boom, that phrase brings back cherished childhood memories.

I remember the air raid sirens; I remember that when I was bored in the sixth grade my doodles in the margins were little mushroom clouds. The two-tiered H-bomb mushroom cloud, mostly. It was the greater artistic challenge.

And now here we are again, trying to decide if nuclear testing is a good idea.

There are many arguments for why it is or it isn't:

It IS a good idea because without it, we can't be sure our nuclear warheads are safe.

It's NOT a good idea because it only encourages OTHER nations to test.

And then there's the issue of whether nations who really want to build a nuclear arsenal are going to let some treaty stop them.

But the whole debate is stupid. Why? Because even if the test ban fails, the only tests we're considering are those wimpy UNDERGROUND tests. What do you get from an underground test? A muffled rumble, and piles of boring data.

What kind of deterrent is that? "Hey -- get out of Kosovo by sundown or we'll BURY YOU IN DATA?"

No, if we're really serious about using the Bomb one day -- and I assume we are, otherwise we'd have destroyed the things by now -- let's go for it.

Let's do some proper tests. Blow up an island. Vaporize a fleet of old ships. Melt a vast segment of the polar ice cap. 

If we really mean to use nuclear weapons as a deterrent, we need to do the kind of test that scares the hell out of our enemies.

Right now all we do is scare the hell out of rock formations.

Now this.

This is DR ... 
Index 

CBS EVOLUTION
Moved: 10/8/1999 6:08
CBS-EVOLUTION 10/07/99

The Origin of the Specious. This is DR....

Evolution has fallen on hard times. You've heard, I'm sure, that the Kansas Board of Education recently issued new teaching standards that relegate evolution to a minor footnote in the study of biology.

And now the debate has moved to Kentucky, where the Kentucky State Education Department has come up with a novel solution to the debate.

Education department officials have decided that instead of studying evolution, students will study a concept called "change over time"... which is apparently less controversial.

To say that man evolved from ape-like creatures IS threatening, but to say he "changed over time" -- well, we all change over time, don't we?

I just hope these school districts know what they're doing. 

They want to avoid offending God.

But you see, everybody -- even the creationists -- agree that the fossils are there. You dig down, you see fossils. And the farther down you dig, the more primitive the fossils get. So if God created the earth 6,000 years ago, that means he created all the fossils and buried them in order.

Now why did He do that, do you suppose?

He created the fossils, and arranged them in order from simple to complex. He created places like the Grand Canyon to that we could find them. He created Charles Darwin, and gave him the talent to write that book...

See? I don't know whether life actually DID evolve -- I wasn't there -- but even if life DIDN'T evolve, it's pretty clear that God wants us to THINK it did.

Otherwise, why go to all that trouble to bury the fossils in order?

Indeed, he went to so much trouble, Kansas and Kentucky should consider that He might be offended if we DON'T take His hints.

Now this.

I'm dave @ daveross.com 
Index 

CBS WARRICK DAN
Moved: 10/8/1999 6:08
CBS-WARRICK 10/08/99

We cheer, they hear. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Athletes have a privileged place in American society. 

From grade school on up, young men with athletic ability are held in awe not just by their peers, but by the adults whose job it is to set the example.

Junior high athletes might miss part of the school day so they can compete. High school athletes take classes where they lift weights but never crack textbooks.

Until by the time they get to college some athletes start telling themselves -- I am blessed. I am not like them.

The latest case is Peter Warrick, the star player on the top-ranked college
football team in the nation. -- A guy who made headlines a year ago when he decided to turn down a guaranteed first-round selection in the NFL draft for a senior season, a shot at the Heisman Trophy, maybe a national championship.

A star. And now a star with a rap sheet.

Warrick and a Florida State University teammate stand accused of allowing a 19-year-old girl who liked them to undercharge them by hundreds of dollars for clothing in a Tallahassee store. An officer watching a security camera saw the starry-eyed clerk sell them $412 worth of clothing for $21.

They knew it was stealing, they knew it was wrong -- but apparently they just weren't sure it was wrong for them.

The police disagreed and arrested them on grand theft.

Warrick seems worried this story is being blown out of proportion -- "It's not like I killed the president" he said.

Maybe he figures he'll beat this rap the same way he's beaten opponents for eight touchdowns this season.

And why not -- it's the message we keep sending to young athletes over and over again.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS BOXING
Moved: 10/7/1999 13:31
CBS-BOXING 10/07/99

The match will go on. This is DR...

Despite all the objections, boxer Margaret MacGregor will go into the ring Saturday in Seattle against Loi Chow -- the first sanctioned professional boxing match between a man and a woman.

Four rounds. All out. 

He's 5-0 feet, 125 pounds; she's 5'5' 130.

Yep, she's bigger and she's no Barbie Doll either. Says she used to bite the heads off barbie dolls. The street kids where she grew up nicknamed her "Tiger." She served time in the State Pen for selling drugs. 

And she knows what it's like to get beaten by a man. Her husband taught her that. After the divorce she decided no man would ever do that to her again.

But everybody in boxing seems to hate the idea. The sportwriters hate it. They think that no woman has the upper body strength for a serious fight with a competent man.

Female boxers hate it -- they worry it'll make female boxing look like a joke.

And male boxers hate it. Supposedly because they're worried Margaret is going to get killed -- although I suspect the real reason is that if she wins, they'll ALL be under pressure to fight women.

But they guy I don't understand is Loi Chow. Her opponent. Just how DUMB is he?

Yeah -- there are women driving trucks now, woman on construction sites, women going to military school, women who want to be in combat.

But it doesn't matter. This isn't tennis. This isn't some staged wrestling match. It's BOXING. If Loi Chow wins, he's a woman-beater. If he loses, he was beaten BY a woman.

There's a name for a man who puts himself in a position like that -- SUCKER.

Now this.

This is DR.. 
Index 

CBS HEALTH INSURANCE
Moved: 10/7/1999 13:31
CBS-HEALTH INSURANCE 10/7/99

The cupboard is bare: This is Dave Ross... 

We've just had yet another debate about whether sick patients deserve medical care even if they can't afford to pay.

When you cut through it all -- the HMO's the PPOs, the Heigh Ho the Derry-O's, that's what the debate is about. Whether people who are NOT rich get the same care as people who are.

The house has been debating whether patients can sue, what court they should be allowed to sue IN, what tax breaks they should get, and everyone is agonizing over the cost -- which are pegged at between 14 and 47 billion dollars over TEN years.

Fair enough. No one wants to bust the budget.

As yet as the House wrings its hands over whether making health care more accessible will bust the budget, they were able to shake hands on another deal.

The New York Times reports the House and Senate have agreed on a deal giving the F-22 fighter jet 2.5 billion dollars this year. That wouldn't BUILD a single new plane, mind you, that's just for more research and development. When they actually start PRODUCING them, they'll cost 200 million each.

That's in addition to the 21 BILLION dollars spent on research and develoment already.

And that's not all, The same bill also now contains 375 million dollars to build an aircraft carrier. An aircraft carrier that the Navy did not ask for -- until Trent Lott ORDERED them to ask for it, since it will be built in Mississippi. 

Doesn't this kind of thing just give you a headache?

But you mustn't GET a headache. Your plan doesn't cover it, and the nation can't afford it.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS PATIENTS2
Moved: 10/6/1999 7:09
CBS-PATIENTS BILL OF RIGHTS 7/13/99 revised 10/06/99

The Patients Bill of Rights. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

It appears that the House is poised to pass a patients bill of rights that may include, for the first time, the right to file some sort of lawsuit against managed care plans that deny treatment. 

It all depends on how compassionate the conservatives are feeling this week.

The managed care plans are lobbying against this change ... because they're worried that if patients get the right to sue, they just MIGHT, and that would screw up the whole system. They have a point -- I mean, people -- why do you think it's called Managed Health Care? Because they treat EVERY condition regardless of expense? 

Come on! If your health plan treated every condition regardless of expense it wouldn't be called Managed Health Care. It would be called Members of Congress Health Care.

I'm sure the health care industry would be HAPPY to let patients file lawsuits -- provided the lawsuits were pre-authorized.

In the meantime, let me remind you patients -- that you already have LOTS of rights!

You have the right to be completely in the dark about what's covered.

If your employer drops your plan, you have the right to pay for your treatment yourself.

You have the right emigrate to some european country that HAS national health care.

And finally, if all else fails, you have the right to appear in a posthumous newspaper article about how tragic your case is.

All the managed care plans are asking is that you get PERMISSION first.

That's the problem here -- we have millions of people in this country who get sick without asking permission.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS VENTURA
Moved: 10/6/1999 7:09
CBS-VENTURA2 10/5/99

Jesse Ventura in trouble. Like he cares. This is DR...

Wow -- one interview in Playboy and his approval rating drops 20 points. But Jesse Ventura speaks his mind. He doesn't realize that once you become a governor you're supposed to speak somebody else's mind.

So he said shocking things like religion is a sham -- he was referring specifically to the religious right, by the way -- JFK was the victim of a conspiracy, fat people can't push away from the table. These are the shocking things that were quoted.

But I finally read the whole interview, and was shocked to find that those weren't the most shocking parts at all. You can hear that stuff in any talk show. So what if the Governor of Minnesota thinks all these things? He has no power to disband organized religion, pursue JFK's assassins or deny food to the fat.

What he does have the power to do is govern the state, and in the interview, he admits that he DOESN'T really.

He tells Playboy that the day after he won the election, a group of friends met in his kitchen and said "What the hell do we do now?" No one knew. So his wife's best friend recommended Steven Bosacker -- who had worked on the 1980 John Anderson campaign. Bosacker agreed, and TODAY, to quote Ventura, "He's responsible for running and handling my entire administration."

The ENTIRE administration! So the actual Governor of Minnesota is NOT Jesse Ventura -- it's this Steven Bosacker.

So if you're looking for a shocking message -- how about that! -- All this agonizing every time we go to the polls over who the best candidate is, and yet the truth is this: ANYBODY can be number one. But you'd better get a pro to be number two.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS TOBACCO
Moved: 10/5/1999 8:58
CBS-TOBACCO 10/04/99

You gotta love these guys. This is DR.

It's tempting to consider tobacco companies unfriendly, hateful entities whose only goal is to brianwash us and then to kill us.

But this is unnecessarily harsh. Tobacco companies do have a warm cuddly side. I didn't know this until several listeners alerted me to the Brown and Williamson tobacco company's customer service line. You probably didn't think a tobaco company would even HAVE a customer service line. If anything it would be a customer DISSERVICE line... a number you'd call to get slapped around by some cigar-smoking lobbyist.

But listen to this:

CART

By the way -- if you are under age, please turn the radio off because what follows is not for young ears. I don't want to get on Mayor Giuliani's bad side:

CART 5253

You call your HMO, do they say anything even approaching this? No it's always, I'm sorry we don't pay for that!

Brown and WIlliamson's product may end up killing you, but at least you'll die loved.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS SOCCER
Moved: 10/5/1999 8:58
CBS-SOCCER 10/4/99

Kinder Gentler soccer. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Silent Sunday passed quietly on the soccer fields of the Northern Ohio Girls Soccer League. Parents did as they were told -- sucked on lollipops; held their tongues; some put duct tape on their mouths.

And when a player scored a goal, happy parents simply smiled -- or in the case of the ones with the duct tape, nodded.

Even coaches held their tongues -- all so that parents and coaches would at last realize how their loud and rude behavior had been hurting their kids.

In fact, according to the news dispatch, Silent Sunday was so successful, that the only roar came from parents watching nearby BOYS SOCCER GAMES.

And that's when it finally dawned -- Silent Sunday only applied to the GIRLS. It was only the parents of the GIRLS who couldn't yell; the parents of the boys could contionue living vicariously thorugh their children. Becasue if you can't live vicariously thoreugh your children, whose children CAN you live vicariously through.

This is discimination, isn't it? Denying girls an important life lesson. There are no Silent Sundays on the soccer field of life.

You will be yelled at, coached, and motivated until you quit or retire. That's the way it is.

Motivational seminars, corporate cheerleading, endless goal setting, the rah rah corporate retreats, getting coached by jerks.

Girls, your parents and coaches aren't trying to be mean to you, they're just trying to get you ready. 

Although the idea of a bumch of corporate vice presidnts standing on the sidelines with duct tape opn their mouths is pretty appealing.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS MUSEUM
Moved: 10/5/1999 8:58
CBS-MUSEUM 10/04/99

The contagion is loose. This is DR...

It was bad enough that the Brooklyn Museum of Art would display an exhibit that includes dung, a bisected pig, and a severed cows head. It was worse when it insisted upon opening the exhibit even when the Mayor of New York pointed out how sick it was.

But now we see the real magnitude of this cultural catastrophe -- people are seeing it anyway! 

--Lines of people stretching around the block.

--People who were willing to wait for an hour an a half, people who were not only willing to SEE an exhibit that they've been told is sick, but are willing to pay $9.75 to see an exhibit that they've been told is sick.

-- People who not only paid $9.75, but bought out all the T-shirts, and even paid up to 150 dollars for a museum membership!

And so Congress takes up a resolution to cut federal funds.

It's too late for that now. Preventive measures have failed! We have to deal with the consequences, and the consequences are -- SPECTATORS! Thousands of them! Paying spectators -- spectators who have come to the museum for the express purpose of seeing art they have been told is sick! Spectators who stand there, look at this sick art -- presumably get sick ideas - and then are allowed to simply return home! 

Does Congress stand by and let this happen? If the art was dangerous BEFORE anybody saw it, how much more dangerous now that THOUSANDS are seeing it? It's TOO late the cut the funding. Spectators are already absorbing this art and its sick message. Do we let them go to the museum and simply LEAVE? We must TRACK these people! One of them might be your neighbor! One of them might be teaching your child! It is too late to talk of censorship -- it's time for containment, The only option left is internment camps.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS STATE FARM
Moved: 10/5/1999 8:58
CBS-STATE FARM 10/5/99

One for the little guy. This is DR...

Good news: a jury has ordered State Farm insurance to pay 456 million dollars to people whose cars were repaired using non-factory parts!

That's good news because it means that every state farm customer who had a car repaired from July 87 through February 98 will be reimbursed. That's 4.7 MILLION people, who'll get an average settlement of $100.
And it's good news because it means that the little guy beat the big bad insurance company: people who thought that their cars were being fixed using factory parts, when it turned out they were being fixed using cheap third party parts made in Taiwan deserve justice!

The ads never say, "and we promise to fix your car using cheap parts from Taiwan" -- do they?

So if the verdict stands, 4.7 million ripped off customers get $100, and EVERYBODY gets the promise of better repairs in the future.

A happy ending! Except for one thing. Where do you suppose that 456 million dollars will come from?

The personal accounts of the insurance company executives who set the policy? (BUZZ)
The personal accounts of the lawyers who argued the case (BUZZ)
Santa Claus (BUZZ)

No! It turns out that the money to pay off this settlement will comes from -- HIGHER PREMIUMS (DING)

-- Which if you hold a state farm policy, the extra money will come from -- (DING) You!

There's a moral here, and it's this:

The little guy CAN beat the system, if he has the will...
It's just that every time he wins, he also gets the bill.

Now this.

This is DR ... 
Index 

CBS COLLEGE BID
Moved: 10/1/1999 13:15
CBS-COLLEGE BID 10/01/99

Bidding on tuition. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The college selection process is based on careful consideration of the students academic achievements, school activities, character, and writing ability.

Price is never mentioned. It is beneath a college to mention matters of cost.

But American is now developing an eBay culture. We bid on everything -- and now an entrepreneur named Tedd Kelley has created e-college-bid-dot-org -- a website that takes bids from students and their families and matches those bids with a college that is willing to take
less than full tuition.

Kelly says it's aimed at families that make too much to
qualify for financial aid, but can't afford to pay cash for tuition.

Which would be... a lot of people.

Kelly says he's identified up to 800 private colleges and universities that
would fit the profile of an e-college-bid provider. Of those, he's signed up less than a dozen so far, but he's still sure his idea will work. Because an unfilled seat at a college is like an unfilled seat in an airplane. It's wasted.

And Kelly's idea has managed to stir up a little controversy.

Joyce Smith, the executive director of the National Association of College
Admissions Counselors, says it's the wrong message for a college to say they'll take ANY kid who can afford to pay. 

Well these couldn't be just ANY kids -- they'd be kids with at least a C+ average. But it's true, they would be kids who were choosing a college based on price.

And THAT's a message colleges don't want to send. They don't want to send the message that "we're so desperate to fill seats that we'll give you a discount." The message colleges want to send is that "we're so desperate to win football games we'll take any kid who can throw a decent tackle and then not charge them ANYTHING."

Now this. 
Index 

CBS GOLF
Moved: 10/1/1999 7:52
CBS-GOLF 10/0/99

Full contact golf. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Europeans still appear to be upset about the Ryder Cup, and how the American golfers held a premature and very undignified demonstration on the 17th hole Sunday.

Justin Leonard had just made a 45-foot putt on Sunday to cap a tremendous American comeback and the team went nuts.

Golfers and wives streamed onto the green to congratulate Leonard -- COMPLETELY forgetting about his European opponent, who had yet to putt, throwing golf etiquette out the window, and shattering the traditional hush that envelops the sport.

There were the accusations of name-calling, and dirty words, and even a claim that a young American fan SPIT on the wife of the European team captain. Which as we know has no place in golf. BASEBALL is the place for that.

The British tabloids ran headlines like "United Slobs of America", and "Joy of Ugly Victory Brings Out the Ugly American." And now some European golfers say they won't return to America to play for the Ryder Cup.

Like the Europeans should talk. I was once on a train in Britain when a bunch of soccer fans got on -- it made me realize that beer should be a controlled substance.

The Ryder Cup simply displayed the ugly truth about golf. People claim that it relaxes them, but I have never met a golfer who is happy about his score. Or about ANYTHING for that matter. All golfers are secretly seething inside. It is a maddening game. It destroys self-esteem. And so when you finally are able to conquer it, as the Americans did Sunday, there is an emotional release so intense that Americans can end up acting like -- well, Europeans.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS VENTURA
Moved: 10/1/1999 7:52
CBS-VENTURA 10/1/99

We are simply shocked. This is DR...

Jesse Ventura has gone off and talked again -- this time to Playboy Magazine... and you'll never guess what he did. He offended people!

With FRANK TALK.

So frank that other poiliticians held news conferences to denounce it. This frank talk stuff has got to be nipped in the bud.

What did he say, exactly?

He said drugs should be regulated, not prohibited, and addicts shold be allowed to get legal fixes. He pronounced organized religion ``a sham and a crutch for weak-minded people,'' and blamed it for the unpopularity of legalized prostitution, which he has said should be considered. He said that President Kennedy was killed by assassins hired by the ``military-industrial complex'' because he was planning to withdraw from Vietnam. And he claimed that fat people ``can't push away from the table.''

Shocking?

The entire liberatrian party thinks drugs and prostitution should be legalized. Lots of people MUST think organized religion is a sham, otherwise, every church and synagogue would be packed.

And it's shocking to hear someone say there was a conspiracy to kill JFK? Dozens of authors make their living preaching nothing else. And as for fat people -- well they're all very nice I'm sure, but they DO THEIR SHARE OF eating.

So just exactly what is the hot story here? That it's the governor of Minnesota saying these things? But the Governor of Minnesota is a wrestler! Minnesotans elected him KNOWING he's a wrestler. The other night I was watching a wrestling match and saw this giant chase two other giants out of the ring, and then take the microphone, and with tears in his eyes, confess that he was sex addict and planned to seek help!

Now -- if you people in Minnesota had elected some button down career politician who never met a modifier he didn't like -- you would certainly have a right to express shock at such comments. 

But you elected Jesse Ventura.

Deal with it.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS METRIC
Moved: 10/1/1999 7:52
CBS-METRIC 10/01/99

They got the UNITS wrong? This is DR...

That's what killed $125 million dollar Mars Climate Orbiter -- which disappeared last week as it was approaching the Red Planet.

A navigation error, caused when someone forgot to convert
English units into METRIC units.

The spacecraft had flown safely for 416 million miles but all that time, it carried a fatal flaw.

Lockheed Martin, which made the spacecraft, used POUNDS -- the English unit of force -- instead of NEWTONS, the very popular metric unit of force.

But all the software at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory assumes METRIC units -- and somebody neglected to do the conversion. So a computer program that was expecting NEWTONS, got POUNDS instead.

Said Tom Gavin of NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory -- 
``It does not make us feel good that this happened,'' 

No, I guess not. You'd think that everybody would agree on the UNITS pretty early in the design process.

Maybe there a MESSAGE here. Maybe this is telling us it's time to MAKE UP OUR MINDS. That this "metric as a second language" stuff has gone on just about long enough.

There's a REASON the metric numbers are smaller on the speedometer -- it's because they're WRONG. They don't mean anything here.

Remember what the teacher told you in science class when you asked "why do we have to convert into metric when none of us actually uses metric?" She said --- "because it's so much EASIER! Everything is divided by ten."

Yeah, well, one tenth of a unit you can't relate to is still a unit you can't relate to. And now it turns out that even ROCKET scientists screw it up.

By the wqay, last night Atlanta bear the Mets 4-3. That would be 10.16 to 7.62 metric.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

BROOKLYN CBS 9/30/99
Moved: 10/1/1999 5:02
BROOKLYN-CBS 9/30/99
Now it?s even reached Congress. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
The flap over the Brooklyn Art Museum?s outrageous exhibit of contemporary
British art has reached Capitol Hill -- where the Senate has passed a
resolution calling for an end to federal financing for the museum unless
the exhibit is immediately cancelled. It?s a non-binding resolution, which
means it doesn?t actually DO anything -- basically a Congressional hex.
And back in New York, there are now allegations of a CONSPIRACY. Now city
officials have accused the museum of conspiring with Christie?s auction
house to manufacture this whole uproar as a way to inflate the value of the
art so that it will bring more at auction. They figure there is now going
to be a bull market in dung-covered art work. High rollers who never
before considered what dung could do for a living room will now be lining up
to bid. Yet ANOTHER reason, says the city, why the museum should lose its
subsidy. It?s strange. Back when NOBODY was going to the museum, the city
was happy to pour money into it. Now that the place is going to start
packin? em in, BAM! We hate you.
Christie?s called the accusations ?bewildering? and pointed out that nothing
in the exhibit is for sale.
Yeah, but how can we know for sure? Everybody lies today; the truth is
always hidden; there is probably a network of CIA-trained art commandos
working at secret installations in the New Mexican desert creating the next
wave of repulsive art for the sole purpose of offending elected officials.
As for the museum -- it is standing firm. The exhibit will open as
scheduled, with extra security in case of vandalism. Which raises still
another question -- how do you vandalize a painting that comes with dung
already on it -- take the dung OFF?
Now this.
This is Dave Ross... on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS BEATTY 9/30/99
Moved: 10/1/1999 5:02
CBS-BEATTY 9/30/99
Beatty2000! This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
There is a new web site: www.beatty2000.com. Not much on it -- just a
message saying its purpose is to ?gauge interest from the public about the
potential run for the White House by the outspoken Hollywood actor Warren
Beatty.?
Well, the public interest has yet to be determined, but there?s no question
about the media interest.
According to the Los Angeles Times, when Presidential candidate Bill Bradley
visited a community health center in south Los Angeles, he drew maybe a
dozen reporters. But when Warren Beatty stood up to accept an award from
the American for Democratic Action last night in Beverly Hills --- there
were 150 reporters there. They came from Germany, Japan, France, Spain,
Italy, Great Britain and Canada. They started showing up
three HOURS before his speech.
He didn?t say he?d run. But he made it clear what he?d stand for if he
did -- he wants a government-run single-payer health care system, public
financing of ALL campaigns -- it would cost a mere $4 per citizen, he
says -- and government programs to close the gap between rich and poor.
The experts say he?s a long shot -- but why, exactly? It?s not as if Beatty
is new to politics -- he?s been active in the Democratic Party for a long
time.
Because he?s never run before? Neither has Steve Forbes or Pat Buchanan.
Even George W Bush is only a first term governor.
Because he?s an actor? We?ve already crossed that frontier.
Because he?s kind of a ladies man? Like THAT shocks anybody.
Plus we know EXACTLY what kind of a politician he?d be. He showed us in his
recent film Bulworth. He?d be full of empathy for the downtrodden, brutally
frank, and incredibly handsome.
No, the issue with Warren Beatty is not whether America can tolerate an
actor in the White House, or a ladies man in the White, but whether America
would tolerate a LIBERAL in the White House.
Now this.
This is Dave ROSS on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS BUMPER
Moved: 9/29/1999 11:02
CBS-BUMPER 9/29/99

Bumper crop. This is DR...

Each year, the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety conducts bumper tests. The 1999 list is out, and the shocking thing about it is that there's nothing new! It's the same as it always is! 

The bumpers don't work.

The Institute smacks a car into a wall at 5 miles an hour to find out how much damage it does, and the answer is always the same: a LOT.

And it's not as if its a trick wall with steel spikes sticking out of it. It's a flat wall, and the run the car into it SQUARELY so the impact is evenly distributed. In other words, the kind of ideal crash that almost never happens.

And still the cars can't take it.

Now you're tempted to think, that's just the cheap cars. I'll buy an expensive car and get a decent bumper.

Not necessarily!

A five mile an hour impact under ideal conditions in a Lexus LS 400 would cost you $706. Part of the problem is that those pricey Lexus parking lights are built into the bumper.

No, if you want a car with a bumper that works, you have to buy a Lincoln Continental -- ZERO front end damage, $17 rear end damage.

Or the new Volkswagen Beetle -- $17 front end damage, ZERO rear end damage.

But the rest -- yikes. Dodge Durango -- sounds like a TOUGH customer? Durr-RANGO! $1494 if you bump its front bumper. It's a crybaby car!

A bumper is something you bump. That's why its called a bumper. Some of these cars need a bumper for the bumper.

Now this.

This is DR ... 
Index 

HEALTH.CBS 09/29/99 12:14
Moved: 9/29/1999 11:01
HEALTH.CBS 09/29/99 12:14 AM-DLR 

His name is Bill and he wants to reform your health insurance. This is DR...

This time its Presidential Candidate Bill Bradley, and he is hoping his proposal will last longer than the President's ill fated attempt -- which died in Congress four years ago.

Bradley's plan would require that parents sign their children up for health insurance at the same time as they fill out the birth certificate. Then at age 19, they'd be eligible for the same health plan available to members of Congress. Finally at age 64, Medicare would kick in, as it does now.

Along the way there would be subsidies and tax credits for people who can't pay the premiums on their own.

So that sounds good -- being able to sign up for the same plan that's kept Strom Thurmond going... 

The great unknown is whether Americans have the stamina to go through another health reform effort -- even if it's a good one.

As an American who still remembers the last attempt at health reform, let me just offer a few suggestions.

Number one, resist the temptation, should you be elected, to hold a press conference announcing that your wife will now be leading the health reform effort.

And Number two, do not do anything to annoy insurance companies. Because when insurance companies get annoyed, they will buy TV ads
that will make your health plan sound like a United Nations conspiracy.

So far, it looks OK on that front. the only thing the plan forces people to do is buy MORE insurance -- plus it gives them the money to pay for it, so the insurance companies should like that.

And we've all gotten used to having our health care managed by insurance companies. They're not bad people. It's a little disconcerting the way they use a number two pencil instead of a tongue depresser, but at least they're very friendly on the phone.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross... 
Index 

CBS FOOTBALL
Moved: 9/28/1999 11:49
CBS-FOOTBALL 9/28/99

Back to basics. This is DR...

The Tennessee Volunteers, defending national college football champions, may have an academic scandal on their hands.

Like a lot of schools, the University of Tennessee pays tutors to help its athletes with their school work, and NCAA rules permit tutoring provided it does not involve "excessive collaboration."

But according to internal memos unearthed by ESPN there was not only "excessive collaboration," there was plain old "fraud." 

One professor, for example, noticed that a paper submitted by a defensive lineman seemed "far too polished" compared with the player's usual verbal skills. The player's tutor reportedly admitted typing the paper -- although he said it WAS based on the player's ideas.

Another giveaway was that two football players somehow managed to write the exact same paper.

School officials will have no comment until they investigate -- I mean there is a one in ten trillion chance it could have happened by accident --

But eventually we'll get to the bottom of it, the school will make corrections, and once again we will be back to a world where championship football teams are made up of true scholar athletes who get no special treatment of any kind because even though football is important, it is, after all, only a game, and for football players as for every other student at the University of Tennessee, the education of the mind trumps the fleeting rewards of gridiron victory.

For if a lineman can sack a quarterback but cannot explain, in complete sentences, WHY he does it, can he truly be a good lineman?

That's why from time to time you'll see a lineman walk up to a coach at practice and say, Coach, I can't work out today, I have an English paper. You can bet that's what's going to be happening at Tennessee once they figure out what could possibly have gone awry to make students think football was such a big deal.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS EXHIBIT2
Moved: 9/28/1999 11:38
CBS-EXHIBIT2 9/28/99

Can't we just get along? This is DR...

In New York, there have been high-level talks over what to do about the exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum of Art which includes a painting called "The Holy Virgin Mary" -- the painting that has offended just about everybody, especially people who haven't seen it. Some art is like that -- just HEARING about it is offensive.

Although -- let me say parenthetically -- after seeing the picture in the New York Times, I can't figure out how you'd know this is the Virgin Mary. The facial expression is wrong, she isn't holding a baby, and there's no halo. Plus it's decorated with that dung. I'm pretty sure it's a picture of someone else.

But in any case, it's being reported that the chairman of the museum board offered several options to pacify Mayor Giuliani and anyone else who is offended.

1. The painting could be removed, 2. It could be put in a separate gallery reserved only for offensive works -- a special "Gallery of Disgust" I guess. Specially-trained museum guards could offer counseling. 3. The museum would give up one-fifth of its city funding for as long as the show remains on display -- representing the relative amount of floor space the painting occupies. Sort of a bad taste ticket. "Failure to curb your painting."

I say -- save time. Change the name. Call it what it is: "Woman with dung."

The artist would probably go along -- when he was asked about the flap he said the elephant dung is merely a reference to his African heritage.

You see? He didn't mean to offend a major religion. 

He meant to offend an entire continent.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS FOOTBALL
Moved: 9/28/1999 8:05
CBS-FOOTBALL 9/28/99

Back to basics. This is DR...

The Tennessee Volunteers, defending national college football champions, may have an academic scandal on their hands.

Like a lot of schools, the University of Tennessee pays tutors to help its athletes with their school work.

The NCAA rules say that tutoring must not involve excessive collaboration.

But according to internal memos, unearthed by ESPN there was not only excessive collaboration, there was plain old fraud. 

One professor, for example, noticed that a paper submitted by a defensive lineman seemed "far too polished" compared with the player's usual verbal skills. The player's tutor reportedly admitted typing the paper -- although he said it WAS based on his ideas.

Another giveaway was that two football players somehow managed to write the exact same paper.

School officials will have no comment until they investigate -- I mean there is a one in ten trillion chance it could have happened by accident...

But eventually we'll get to the bottom of it, and the school will make corrections, and once again we will be back to a world where championship football teams are made up of true scholar athletes who get no special treatment of any kind because even though football is important, it is, after all, only a game, and for football players as for every other student, the goal is a solid academic education.

Sacking quarterbacks is important, but not as important as English.

That's why from time to time you'll see a lineman walk up to a coach at practice and say, Coach, I can't work out today, I have an English paper. You can bet that's what's going to be happening at Tennessee once they figure out what could possibly have gone awry to make students think football was more important.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS GIULIANI
Moved: 9/27/1999 11:35
CBS-GIULIANI 9/27/99

Dung fight. This is Dave Ross.. on the CBS Radio Network.

New York's Cardinal John O'Connor is siding with Mayor Giuliani in attacking the new exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum of Art.

The exhibit of young British artists includes a painting called ``The Holy Virgin Mary'' -- which is displayed with a shellacked clump of elephant dung. The artist, Chris Ofili -- who is Catholic himself -- is famous for using elephant dung from the London Zoo and is quoted as saying he finds it quite beautiful.

And why not? It's made him famous. Anybody can paint, but very few ever get the hang of shellacked dung.

In any case the dung was too much for the mayor -- who last week said the museum's dollar city subsidy ought to be yanked, and on Sunday Cardinal O'Connor joined the mayor, wondering in his sermon whether this was an attack on the Catholic Church.

Of COURSE it's an attack on the Catholic Church. Had it been set up on the lawn of a Catholic person it would be a hate crime.

But it's not on someone's lawn. It's in a museum. And museums have a challenge.

They're in the business of displaying serious art -- and most serious art -- I'm sorry -- is BORING.

So they need some sort of device to get attention. And the device of the moment is to get politicians angry. If you can do it using a substance that is available free at any zoo, so much the better. Keeps costs down.

How could you kill the dung trend? Ignore it! Nobody is REALLY interested in a pile of dung -- even SHINY dung -- because it's DUNG!

-- UNLESS you make it famous.

Which is what has happened. Because The Mayor is running for Senate -- which means he needs the dung as much as the dung needs him.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross... on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS RECRUIT
Moved: 9/27/1999 11:35
CBS-RECRUIT 9/27/99

Uncle Sam wants YOU -- by Thursday. This is DR...

The government may be running a huge surplus in tax collections -- but it is running a huge deficit in another area -- military recruiting. 

The Fiscal year ends Thursday -- which means the Army has three days to sign up 7,000 new recruits, or it will AGAIN fall short.

It's a similar story with the Air Force -- which stands to fall 1500 short. No longer are the George W. Bush's of the world clamoring to get in.

Only the Marines were able to meet their goal without a fight.

And the Pentagon is trying to figure out what's wrong.

Well, all you have to do is listen to the recruiter quoted in the The New York Times. He was asked what he tells prospective soldiers.

"What I tell them," he said "is that it ain't so bad."

Now THERE's an ad. "The army -- it ain't so bad."

That's sort of like: "The army -- better than living under a bridge."

Although with all the stories military families needing food stamps -- just barely.

There may be various reasons for the problem: an aging population, low unemployment, trying to find a way to make basic training sound appealing at a time when high tech companies are serve free Snapple.

But I think the basic problem is -- no good story line.

If you sign up for the military, there's got to be a reason that will impress your friends. "I'm going to fight HITLER, or I'm going to fight the RED MENACE."

But now all you can say is -- "I'm signing up to I sit in some UN compound and get shot at."

One sociologist proposed taking missions like Bosnia and Kosovo and calling it a JUNIOR YEAR abroad. You might not sign up more recruits -- but hey, that way you could charge tuition.

Now this.

This is DR 
Index 

CBS SAT 9/22/99
Moved: 9/24/1999 7:19
CBS-SAT 9/22/99 VACATION

A nation of con artists. This is Dave Ross of the CBS Radio Network.

No wonder so many normal middle-class high school students are cynical.

I went to a seminar put on by one of these SAT companies where you go over the mock SAT your kid just took. And the young fellow giving the presentation tells the assembled parents: 

"The SAT doesn't care what you know", it only cares that you put the right mark in the right bubble. But not to worry, he went on, because (quote) "It is possible to get the right answers without even knowing the questions."

That's what he said!

"It is possible to get the right answers without even knowing the
questions." Then he went on to show us how, in the vocabulary section, you could guess the right answers even if you didn't understand the words.

The fellow tried to get the parents involved, told a few jokes, but the crowd was silent -- probably because we had just heard this savvy young man tell our children that their chances of getting into a good college would depend in part on their GUESSING skills.

SO we parents tell our kids "pay attention in class" if you want to get into college, while the experts tell our kids the key is to be a good con artist.

We should all have risen up and escorted that young man and his overhead projector a safe distance from the high school cafeteria. But we didn't because we all want our kids to get into good schools and he was telling us how it's done.

Well, I don't care. I will try to remain strong. Heretical as the concept may be... I will continue telling my daughter that actually KNOWING something IS important. Even though I know it may hurt her chances of getting into a decent college.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS WEALTH
Moved: 9/24/1999 7:19
CBS-WEALTH 9/24/99

To affluence and beyond! This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The latest Forbes 400 list of the richest Americans is out, and for the first time, more than half are billionaires. According to Forbes there are 79 NEW American billionaires just since last year.

But the most impressive thing isn't that Bill Gates is worth 85 billion, or that you'd have to be worth at least 578 million just to get on.

The most impressive statistic is that the 400 richest Americans are worth a TRILLION dollars combined.

That's more than the gross domestic product of China. These guys could just BUY it and then we'd get our nuclear secrets back.

To put it simply, let's say everyone on the list worked 40 years to get where they are. And suppose further they work seven days a week, 16 hours a day. We don't want to underestimate their commitment. Even so, they would be accumulating wealth at the rate of $10,000 an hour.

The AVERAGE American wage: $13.

You can see why they give so much away! After a while, you just want to say, MAKE IT STOP! Enough already! This is getting embarrassing!

I know you may be envious ... but THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR NOT perfecting the three-dollar latte, or figuring out a way to lose millions selling books. Just remember that right now, somewhere, there is an opportunity, something no one's done before, which, if you seize it, will, in ten years, or five years, or even one -- make you a billionaire. Or make you lose what little you have.

The question is -- are you brave enough to leave that 13 dollars an hour?

Now this.

This is Dave Ross... 
Index 

CBS TAIWAN
Moved: 9/24/1999 7:19
CBS-TAIWAN 9/24/99

Thanks, but no thanks. This is Dave Ross... 

It seemed innocent enough: a message expressing thanks to the various nations that have helped Taiwan search for survivors of the huge earthquake that has killed more than 2,000 people.

Except that in this case, the "thank you" came from the Foreign Ministry of CHINA.

It was mainland China thanking the world for helping one of its provinces.

Oh, very sneaky. And to Taiwanese officials, an insult. AN attempt to exploit a tragedy for political purposes.

Not only that, but according to Taiwanese officials, the Chinese Red Cross Society told Red Cross branches from other countries that when dealing with Taiwan's Red Cross, they should refrain from using Taiwan's official name, the Republic of China.

The Taiwan Red Cross Society -- sensing another Chinese power grab -- drew a line in the sand, saying it does not come under the Chinese Society and will by no means accept foreign donations through the Chinese Red Cross.

And in an editorial, Taiwan's China Times said ``The Chinese Communist regime is so stupid" that `Instead of seizing the opportunity to win the goodwill of Taiwanese, it gained antagonism with irritating political language.''

Taiwan's government said it would accept MONEY from the Chinese Red Cross Society. But it turned down China's offer to send rescue and medical teams, saying enough foreign teams were already here.

Note -- it didn't just say we have enough help, it said enough FOREIGN teams are ALREADY here.

That's the way, guys. Never give an inch, never let a mere catastrophe distract from what's really important.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross... 
Index 

CBS MILLENNIUM
Moved: 9/24/1999 7:19
CBS-MILLENNIUM 9/24/99

Preparing for the end. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The year 2000 is now less than 100 days away -- and the race is on to see who can celebrate it best, earliest, and at the greatest expense.

Times Square will have the most famous celebration at midnight eastern time -- but that will be a mere postscript for Bostonians, who plan to start their fireworks at seven: to coincide with midnight Greenwich mean time.

That's why Los Angeles will start IT'S party 4:00 local time in hopes of getting some prime time coverage on the East Coast.

Assuming TV still works.

There's also a contest over where the first American sunrise of the new millennium will be. Lubec Maine thought IT had that distinction as the easternmost point of the United States.

Until the United States Naval observatory decided to do an official calculation and concluded that the first sunrise would NOT be on Lubec's Porcupine Mountain, but would actually occur on Cadillac Mountain right outside Bar Harbor.

So loud were the protests from Lubec the Navy was forced to recalculate, and came back with figures showing that actually its a tie, and first light in the year 2000 will actually hit both Cadillac and Porcupine mountains at precisely 7:04.

Hey -- it's an election year. The military doesn't want to offend anybody.

SO there it is! Fireworks in the afternoon, bureaucratic manipulation of sunrise, hotel rooms in Vegas going for $3,500 a night... that's what I love about America. In some cultures 2000 signals the end of the world, but here in America, even the end of the world is just another marketing opportunity. And by golly we want to be first.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS CAMPAIGN
Moved: 9/23/1999 7:31
CBS-CAMPAIGN 9/22/99

You may already have lost This is DR...

Four years ago, the government shut down -- and the blame was up for grabs. Republicans blamed the president who had vetoed the Republican budget, the President blamed the Republicans, saying their budget would have cut medicare.

People believed the President -- how different the world was back then! -- AND THE REPUBLICANS needed a boost.

So they placed a full page ad. It depicted Haley Barbour, Republican National Chairman, holding a million dollar check, and saying "Republicans are actually INCREASING Medicare spending... I'm Haley Barbour and I'm so sure of that fact I'm willing to give you this check for a million dollars if you can prove me wrong."

And there was a clip out coupon.

Except when the coupons started arriving from people who had no trouble proving him wrong, the party shredded them. It's the fate of many an embarrassing piece of paper in Washington. But one of the entrants, senate staffer Bob Shireman -- sued for his million bucks. and now it's in court.

The party has argued that ANYBODY could see the contest was a parody -- BUT there was no disclaimer to that effect. Just Haley Barbour saying this check could be yours.

In the future guys -- use a disclaimer. here you go. The above ad is obviously a parody. Sure, we held hearings to scold those evil sweepstakes companies for doing the exact same thing we did, but we're a political party. You EXPECT us to trick you!

Plus, you people ought to know better. A party's job is to COLLECT millions of dollars. Only a moron would believe we would actually GIVE you a million dollars for ANY reason.

-- Unless you're a large corporation asking for a tax break.

Now this.

This is DR on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS KINGS NAME
Moved: 9/23/1999 7:31
CBS-KING'S NAME 9/22/99

Long live the King. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

In 1852, the United States elected the ticket of Franklin Pierce and William Rufus Devane King as President and Vice President. And the people living in what was then the Oregon Territory, eager to demonstrate their patriotism and not considering the consequences, named two counties in what is now Washington State after this forgettable duo -- Pierce County and ... King County, where Seattle is located.

Vice President King died a week after taking office -- but his name stuck until 1986, when someone pointed out that King was an Alabama slave holder. 

Well! Not wanting to be soft on slavery -- and not wanting to have to change the stationery -- the County Council quickly renamed the county for Dr. Martin Luther King.

Which brings us to the present.

A Seattle Attorney Jason Kelley -- who studies the history of gay people in America -- has unearthed another fact about William Rufus which the council never considered.

William Rufus Devane King was very likely gay. Indeed he had a 20 year relationship with James Buchanan, America's first bachelor president.

Meaning that King county, in its haste to show respect for one minority, inadvertently dissed another.

Therefore Mr. Kelley will make a pitch for keeping the gay slave holder as the county's CO-namesake -- to widen the celebration of diversity.

And hey, if anyone who knows of anybody ELSE named King that the county could be named for, please step forward, so we can honor them all.

[Let's add Billie Jean King so we can honor the accomplishments of Women. The late King Hussein of Jordan. Elvis.]

Because as a King County resident myself, when I get my county property tax bill, I want to know that IF I'm being gouged, at least I'm being gouged by a county that believes in diversity.

Now this.

This is DR on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS COMMUTE DELAYS
Moved: 9/23/1999 7:31
CBS-COMMUTE DELAYS 9/23/99

More is less. This is DR...

I remember wondering as a kid when all the roads would finally be finished --- when they'd take away the last traffic cone and we could step back and say, THERE! At last! It's done!

I have since learned that a highway is never finished. We put up with this hoping that in the long run we'll save time. But now a group called the Surface Transportation Policy Project says even THAT is not true.

The Surface Transportation Policy Project wants less road construction and more car pooling and flex time. And to support that argument, it has concluded that some of the nation's biggest road improvement projects will actually waste more time than they save.

The gigantic I-95 interchange southwest of Washington -- nicknamed the mixing bowl? It's going to take eight years, the average delay will be 30 minutes each way during that time, and when it's done, commuters will save 30 seconds. Which means it will take a lifetime to recapture those lost minutes.

Clever argument. But will it convince Americans to accept car pools and flex time? Right! Americans don't want to work weird hours, and we sure don't want to sit in the back seat making conversation with co-workers who don't plan to vote as we do.

No, Americans will look at this study and say, WELL, if widening existing roads is a waste of time, then the best thing to do is...

Build entirely NEW roads, parallel to the old ones! Bulldoze more houses, uproot more trees! And since we don't ever want to have to expand these roads, because studies show it wastes time, we'll build them wide enough from the start. 

Some people see congestion and say -- you know, flex time could fix that... but I think most Americans look at congestion and say, "you know, 16 lanes could fix that..."

Now this.

Dave Ross. 
Index 

CBS CIGARETTES
Moved: 9/23/1999 7:31
CBS-CIGARETTES 9/23/99

Tobacco politics part two. This is DR....

The gloves are off now. The President has announced that the United States of America will sue the big tobacco companies to recover the costs of smoking-related illnesses.

The president says smoking has cost taxpayers billions of dollars through federal health care programs, and its time for America's taxpayers to have their day in court.

So it's Good Versus Evil, Act II.

But we already know the outcome because the states already staged this drama. States filed suit, tobacco companies settled, states collected huge fines, the price of cigarettes went up to pay for those huge fines, several lawyers were able to buy bigger boats, and families of dead smokers got nothing.

I know -- lawyers deserve bigger boats, but couldn't we at least change the subject matter?

Sue gun manufacturers!

If you REALLY want to protect smokers, how about this. Just include health insurance in every pack. Every pack of cigarettes would include a a premium for paid-up health insurance. Say $10 of health insurance for every pack you buy.

SO if you smoke 20 packs a week, by the end of the week you have $200 of paid up health insurance. At the end of the year you have over $10,000 of health insurance. After 20 years, you have $200,000 of paid up health insurance, more than enough to ease you through your final days.

This would be easy to do! And it could be applied to ANY dangerous-yet-voluntarily-ingested substance. Beer! Wine! Curly fries!

But-- I know it would never work because it has three strikes against it. It would actually help people, no politician could take credit for it, and lawyers wouldn't make a penny.

Now this. This is DR. 
Index 

CBS QUAKE
Moved: 9/21/1999 7:16
CBS-QUAKE 9/21/99

A change of heart? This is DR...

The pictures from Taiwan are shocking. High rises tipped over. Bridges collapsed. Jacknifed roads. 1500 people dead, many more missing. 100,000 people homeless.

And in this midst of all this -- another stunning thing.

An expression of sympathy and an offer of help from ...China.

Chinese President Jiang Zemin extended condolences and offered ``all assistance.''

The quake ``hurt the hearts of people on the mainland as the Chinese people on both sides of the Taiwan Strait are as closely linked as flesh and blood."

But wait -- isn't this the same China that has threatened to bring Taiwan back into the family by force if necessary? The same China whose warnings have grown more strident since the President of Taiwan said his country should be treated as a separate state?

Isn't this the same China that launched military maneuvers, and dropped hints last July that it had developed a neutron bomb -- although an official later promised it would never be used against Taiwan?

Yes it is!

And yet this China is now expressing sympathy towards the breakaway province of Taiwan.

And earthquake or not, it is still a breakaway province.

One earthquake isn't going to change that.

I suppose it's only human nature -- to feel sympathy for an enemy in time of disaster. Probably because we see how disasters punish the innocent -- people who's only crime was being in the wrong high rise at the wrong time.

And yet, don't modern wars do exactly the same thing? Of course they do. They are man-made earthquakes. Earthquakes caused on purpose. Earthquakes that can be prevented.

Maybe China sees that now.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS SMOKING
Moved: 9/21/1999 7:16
CBS-SMOKING 9/21/99

That'll teach you! This is DR.

It is the national will that children under the age of 18 be prevented from smoking. And to that end, Congress, in 1992, came up with a law designed to do just that.

The law says that states must make it as difficult as they can for minors to get tobacco, and if the states succeed, they get federal aid for drug treatment.

To check up on the states, inspectors fan out -- running random, unannounced inspections, and keeping track of which states are doing a good job, and which are not.

The good news is that the failure rate for these inspections -- which was once as high as 60 percent -- is now down to around 25% nationwide. 

But some states are worse than others -- like Missouri:

In Missouri the failure rate was 33 percent.

And this year, that will put Missouri out of compliance, meaning it could lose its federal aid for drug treatment.

The law probably made sense when it was first passed -- pass your inspections, get drug funding. But now we're looking at the flip side - which is, fail your inspections, LOSE drug funding.

That means if your state does a bad job of keeping kids away from cigarettes, the punishment is that the federal government makes you close some of the treatment programs it helped you start.

In all, 7 states and the District of Columbia are on notice -- that they will lose 37 million dollars.

So ... underage kids buy tobacco. Merchants don't do enough to stop them, parents don't do enough to stop them. And therefore, to show our displeasure as a nation, we kick addicts out of treatment centers. After which they will probably end up in jail and back on the public dole anyway.

If I lived in one of those states, I'd start yanking cigarettes out of kids mouths myself.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS CLEMENCY
Moved: 9/21/1999 4:55
CBS-CLEMENCY 9/20/99

Clemency theories. This is DR...

The guessing continues about why President Clinton offered clemency to 16 imprisoned Puerto Rican nationalists. Orrin Hatch, Senator and Presidential candidate says it's crustal clear.

``Almost anybody with any brains would conclude'' that Clinton issued
the order to boost his wifes chances in New York, he said over the weekend.

That seems to be the conventional wisdom, except for a guy who polls as much as Bill Clinton, a miscalculations of THAT magnitude seems highly unlikely.

As long as we're guessing -- maybe he did it for a completely different reason -- albeit one he would ALSO be hesitant to admit.

China.

Being President means that once or twice of year you must scold China for human rights violations. But China has been offering a pretty spirited defense lately. You talk to China about its treatment of Tibet, the massacre in Tinenanmen square, political prisoners rotting in jail, and China says mind your own business.

Chinese officials might even bring up Waco! The police scandal in NY and LA -- and very possibly 16 Puerto Ricans who look an awful lot like political prisoners.

Now, we as Americans may know that there's no comparison. But nonetheless, a leader who knows he is expected to scold the Chinese for human rights violations every time he shakes hands with them HATES to have the tables turned.

SO maybe THAT's the reason. As for having the the unfortunate side effect of hurting his wife's campaign... we really don't know how enthusiastic he really is about moving to a Martha Stewart house in the suburbs, and spending perhaps the rest of his life in bed with a senator.

Maybe it WASN'T a miscalculation.

Now this.

Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS BRADLEY
Moved: 9/21/1999 4:55
CBS-BRADLEY 9/20/99

See, that wasn't so hard. This is DR...

How about that Bill Bradley! Not exactly a firecracker on the stump, a little idealistic for these cynical times, maybe the last idealist left in American politics -- but another poll in New York shows him neck and neck with Al Gore -- at 42% each.

And now, he has answered The Question.

He had to answer the question because as well as he may be doing against Al Gore, he still has to prove he could take on George W Bush. And over the weekend, he gave us a taste for how he might go about it .. by answering The Question.

Speaking on a talk show, Bradley said candidates should not have to answer to their SINS, since we are all sinners, but they SHOULD be expected to answer about whether they have ever committed a felony. Therefore if someone committed a felony by using drugs he or she should should admit it.

As for Bradley himself, well yes, he said, he smoked marijuana several times years ago. But he never used cocaine. As in not once, ever.

He then turned the tables on his questioners and got Sam Donaldson to acknowledge that he had tried marijuana and even inhaled -- while George Will and Cokie Roberts denied using drugs period.

So there -- that was easy.

No tap dancing, no guessing about whether it was seven years ago or 25 years ago -- no scolding his interviewers, he just said, NO, I never used it.

And he was also saying, though not in so many words -- see how painless that was? They asked the question, and I answered. 

All I has to do was say I never committed a felony.

There's nothing wrong with the question, and there's no reason to avoid it -- especially when the answer is no.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CAMPAIGN ARTICLE
Moved: 9/20/1999 5:03
CAMPAIGN 09/17/99 8:12 PM-DLR 1:38

Dave Ross, KIRO

Congress is again arm-wrestling itself over campaign reform. Members have heard from their disillusioned constituents who feel cut out of the political process, and worry that if left to fester the discontent might lead to the thing they fear the most -- new calls for term limits. The concept of term limits is as horrifying to a member of Congress as the concept of "passenger rights" to an airline or "patient rights" to an HMO.

So they must do something -- but what? Congress can't get past the major problem with campaign finance reform: that it might work. It would be no problem passing legislation if only they could be sure it would have absolutely no effect. But annoying people John McCain and his co-conspirator Russ Feingold are adamant that the legislation actually accomplish something.

So the race is on to write a bill that will LOOK like campaign reform without actually BEING campaign reform, if only the leadership can find some sort of ruse to get McCain and Feingold out of the chamber during the "debate."

The reformers have already decided not to tackle the "issue ads" that appear every election cycle:

"We take NO position on the Jones campaign. We only state the facts. Fact -- Senator Jones almost never bathes and his wife makes him sleep in the carport. Paid for by Friends of Personal Hygiene."

So with the issue ads exempt, all that's left is soft-money -- the money that goes to the parties. The money that actually wins elections. And Congress would sooner hand Fort Knox over to Chinese spies than give it up.

National candidates can't just doorbell -- they need to advertise. If you want an idea how much voter participation there is without them, just look at the turn out for our most recent -- and largely unadvertised -- primary.

So the money will have to come from somewhere.

The key is DISCLOSURE. if you know which interests support a candidate, you can very likely gauge his sincerity, or at least whose calls he's likely to return. The trouble is no one reads the disclosure reports, except reporters, who then write disclosure articles whose sole purpose is to give readers something to skip.

If only there were an easy way to learn instantly where a politician's money comes from. Hence my breakthrough idea.

When military officials sit down for formal congressional testimony, they always appear in full uniform, wearing all their service ribbons. You can tell at a
glance just how important they are.

Suppose members of Congress had to wear similar decorations based on who contributes to their campaigns? Money from the insurance lobby -- a purple ribbon. Money from the teachers lobby -- an orange ribbon. Money from environmentalists -- a GREEN ribbon. And gold pins for donations over a thousand dollars. 

Some members would be all one color, some would be a rainbow, some would barely be able to maintain their balance under the weight of the gold pins.

And if the color code proves too difficult to crack, I would move to the next phase: Indy-style jumpsuits covered with product logos. So if Senator so-and-so is a shill for the tobacco lobby, by golly he'll have to wear a Marlboro patch on his forearm. That would be the law -- members would have to wear their campaign ribbons or product patches for all public appearances.

And finally we would know at a glance who they really salute. 
Index 

CBS AIRLINES
Moved: 9/17/1999 7:54
CBS-AIRLINES 9/17/99

We are number 20 for takeoff. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

I've lost track of just how long the airlines have been promising to treat passengers like paying customers. Back in June it looked like a new era was beginning. Congress was considering a so-called Passengers' Bill of Rights, and the airlines panicked. There is nothing scarier to an airline than a passenger with rights.

The airlines managed to kill the bill by promising to handle it voluntarily, with a 12 point plan.

Please be patient, they said.

So we've been patient.

At the gate.
Near the gate.
On the tarmac.
Down in baggage claim. Patient patient patient.

And this week, the airlines started unveiling the details of their 12 point voluntary plan.

It says they are going to be fair to bumped passangers, provide prompt refunds, accomodate special needs passengers, notify passengers of delays, even give passengers access to a working toilet after eight hours in the taxiway. And the General Accounting Office took a look at this 12 point voluntary plan and noticed that several of the 12 points in the 12 point voluntary plan are already required by distinctly NON-voluntary federal laws!

As for the OTHER promises -- for some crazy reason, the airlines forgot to include them in the fine print on the back of the ticket that sets out their legal obligations.

So Senator Ron Wyden of Oregon has introduced a bill to require airlines to reveal when they overbook a flight, and to require them to offer passengers the lowest possible fare. The Air Transport Association immediately argued against Wyden's bill, asking him to be please be patient.

They should have at least offered him a free set of headphones.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS EBAY
Moved: 9/17/1999 7:54
CBS-EBAY 9/16/99

It's the latest online outrage. This is DR...

The latest outrage on the e-Bay on-line auction site is bidding on black memorabilia. Just in time to replace the kidney craze people are bidding on very non-PC stuff like porcelain figures of black children sitting in outhouses, mammy cookie jars, and other items of black Americana -- which are sometimes described using the N word. 

Under eBay rules, sellers may not use offensive language, however, if the N word occurs in the title of the item being sold, it is merely descriptive, and therefore allowed -- although eBay DID draw the line at the item that announced and actual SLAVE for sale.

The San Francisco Examiner reports some people are offended -- but what do you expect from eBay?

Can you really expect eBay to be completely inoffensive? For one thing, some of the stuff is being sold by African Americans. But in any case -- this is the marketplace, writ large. Raw. This is the economic version of natural selection.

Everything has equal status. Nothing above or below eye level. No expensive consultants writing the ads. Just people responding to basic economic desires: greed and desire.

Never mind black memorabilia -- I counted six human souls for sale on eBay, ranging in price from a million dollars, all the way down to 55 cents.

Here's one guy who writes -- 

(QUOTE) "I am here auctioning my very Soul for profit, to help me in getting my new career as a local rock musician off the ground." 

At last check the bid was $103.45.

eBay is a no-holds-barred market economy. And markets are designed to be efficient, not pretty. Be thankful it's confined to the desktop.

Now this.

This is DR ... 
Index 

CBS DISNEY
Moved: 9/17/1999 7:53
CBS-DISNEY 9/16/99

Peace talks at Disney. This is DR.

Now the Disney Corporation, having offended the fundamentalist Christian world with its gay days celebration and subliminal messages, has managed to offend the Arab World.

At issue is the Millennium Village at Epcot Center. It was meant to be like the World Fairs of old, with 24 nations invited to create exhibits to show themselves off.

Israel is one of those countries and it helped build an $8 million dollar virtual ride called "Journey to Jerusalem." A ride which reportedly IMPLIES that Jerusalem is the capital.

Arab and Muslim groups contend that Jerusalem is THEIR capital. And the United Arab Emirates has threatened to boycott Disney unless the exhibit is changed.

Being boycotted by the Christians is bad enough. But by Christians AND Muslims? That starts to limit your market share.

So the president of the park met with Arab leaders to reach an understanding.

Now, we're not privy to the negotiations, but I am confident that if anyone can take a 50 year blood feud and turn it into a charming inoffensive exhibit, Disney can.

You might say, oh those silly Arab groups, it's only an amusement park!

Ah, but it's more than an amusement park. Disney is where Americans turn for historical context. What do you remember most about the American west -- what you learned in your high school history book, or what you learned in Frontierland?

The real answer is for the Arabs to put up their OWN pavilion. That's the beauty of a Disney exhibit. History can be whatever you want it to be! You can BOTH have Jerusalem. At Disney world BOTH SIDES gets Jerusalem! 

You can choose your reality! And instead of fighting, EVERYBODY makes money.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS MISS AMERICA
Moved: 9/17/1999 7:53
CBS-MISS AMERICA 9/17/99

There she is. But who is she? This is DR

The Miss America Pageant is in crisis -- again. This time over the oath of office.

For 50 years hopeful young women have had to swear before the competition that they have NEVER been married and that they have NEVER been pregnant. But CEO Robert Beck was worried the rule would put the pageant in violation of the anti-discrimination laws of New Jersey. So he tried to change the contract to read: I am unmarried, and I am not the natural or adoptive parent of any child.

State pageant officials, recognizing the use of the present tense, realized the change would open the pageant to women who are divorced or who have had abortions, and sued, claiming this would mar the "high moral standards Miss America has stood for."

Well pageants should certainly be free to set their own rules, but this argument about "high moral standards?"

This is a beauty pageant! You do your done, your hair, you do bust-enlarging exercises, put Vaseline on your teeth, and then parade in a bathing suit in front of an audience whose thoughts at that moment are probably not immersed in morality.

If this was truly a "MORALS" pageant -- contestants wouldn't be subjected to softball interview questions, they'd be subjected to a set of TEMPTATIONS. "And now, our ten finalists, who've been living on carrots for 2 years, will be confronted with this delicious banana split. Let's see who cracks first! Brou ha ha ha!"

So I guess Miss America is intended to reflect a caste system for women -- virgins at the top; once-pregnant divorcees untouchable.

But wait -- the contestants must only swear that they were never married and never pregnant. They are NOT asked whether they have ever had unmarried sex!

So we really don't know! They're going to have to go to a medical exam.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS DISASTERS
Moved: 9/16/1999 8:04
CBS-DISASTERS 9/16/99

A tale of two disasters. This is DR...

To me, the most amazing part of the Hurricane Floyd story is that we saw the peaceful, no-questions-asked evacuation of over two million people.

It shows that for certain disasters, even freedom-loving Americans will take collective action.

Let's compare TWO disasters:

Disaster number one: a mammoth hurricane that at last check had killed six people.

Disaster number two: a gunman bursts into a Baptist Church during a youth celebration, and guns down seven people.

TV coverage of disaster number one: reporters pelted by rain, residents returning to flooded homes, survivors huddled in shelters.

TV coverage of disaster number two: paramedics treating the wounded, teenagers grieving lost friends, survivors hugged by their parents.

Role of technology in disaster number one: sophisticated computers track the progress of the storm second to second. Brave pilots fly into the eye of the hurricane to clock its wind speed. Doppler radar displays its precise location on millions of TV screens.

Role of technology in disaster number two: sophisticated computers almost instantly flash an approval number seconds after you swipe your charge card at the gun shop.

GOVERNMENT response to disaster number one: police go up and down the streets ordering people out of their homes. Over two million people comply, and no one complains about a loss of freedom.

GOVERNMENT response to disaster number two: police go up and down the streets ignoring weapons, 70 million Americans own guns, and people CONSTANTLY complain about a loss of freedom.

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS JACKSON
Moved: 9/16/1999 8:04
CBS-BUSH VOTE 9/16/99

Casting a strategic vote? This is DR...

Some liberals and other opponents of the lopsided drug laws are trying to decide whether to support George W. Bush as a strategic vote.

Their pet issue is the stiff sentence for crack -- drug of choice in the ghetto, versus the relatively light sentence for cocaine -- which they suspect may have been the drug of choice of a certain politician.

The logic seems to be: support George W Bush because if he's elected he'll breathe a sigh of relief and say "That was close -- I'd better change these drug laws before some future president is arrested just for doing a few hits of cocaine." And finally the feds will stop throwing crack addicts in jail.

Jesse Jackson, for one, has offered Bush a deal: either confess, seek forgiveness, and change the law; or I promise to find out exactly what you did before age 40.

Washington Post Columnist Neal Pierce sympathizes with Jackson's crusade, and suggests that even Bush's CRITICS might want to vote for him as a way to keep the crusade alive.

Well, it might keep Jesse Jackson's crusade alive, but would it change the federal government's war on drugs?

Look at President Clinton. The man who once dared to invite gay people into the army didn't dare TOUCH the marijuana laws -- even though many areas of the country were of a mood to legalize it. Why not? Because having denied his own indulgence, he couldn't waver.

Do you think that President George W would make the SLIGHTEST change in the drug laws after the questions HE's been getting?

If anything -- he'll be even tougher. He knows the slightest movement would give people ideas he clearly doesn't want them to have.

Now this.

This is DR on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS FLOYD
Moved: 9/15/1999 7:16
CBS-FLOYD 9/15/99

Getting out of town. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

For once people can say something nice about the media. Thanks to the storm warnings, the satellite maps, those crazy reporters standing on the beach -- when hurricane Floyd makes landfall it will hit mostly empty cities.

But it hasn't been easy. Look at the pictures of those traffic jams. This is how the world's richest country handles an evacuation? Thousands of cars stuck on interstates moving at 5 or 6 miles an hour -- to get away from a hurricane that's moving at 14 miles an hour?

The reason so many people were willing to fling themselves at the highways is the memory of hurricane Andrew seven years ago. But judging from the pictures, memories like that could one day be replaced by the memory of hours stuck in a car full of kids ready to wet their pants. Eventually the hassle will get so bad people might decide it's better to wait it out.

One of the benefits of living in a big rich country ought to be world-class planning for a predictable event like this.

It may be stating the obvious, but now that 50-year hurricanes seem to be happening a little more often than that, and given that people are still going to move to the Southeast, how about expanding those evacuation routes?

Congress is looking for useful ways to spend the surplus -- here it is! And it doesn't have to be all that elaborate -- a wider emergency lane... or even a relatively level grassy strip... would make the evacuation a little less frustrating.

We spend billions to help other countries' refugees -- and it's a noble instinct. But we also need to be able to handle our own.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS CAMPAIGN
Moved: 9/15/1999 7:15
CAMPAIGN.CBS 09/14/99 8:12 PM-DLR 1:38

Real disclosure. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The House has passed another campaign finance reform bill, but once again, it's going to be an uphill battle in the Senate.

The problem is how to regulate donations without undermining free speech. For example -- what do you do with those independent issue ads?

"We take NO position on the campaign. We simply want to let you know that
Senator Jones almost never bathes. Paid for by Friends of Personal
Hygiene."

Ah, if only there was an easy way of knowing instantly where a politician's money comes from. Sure, the candidates are now posting their donations on the internet. But how many of you are going to spend two seconds looking up campaign donations on the internet? You're too busy bidding on body parts at e-bay.

But I have a breakthrough idea.

When military people sit down to testify before some committee, they come in full uniform, and on that uniform are service ribbons. You can tell at a
glance just how important they are.

Suppose members of Congress had to wear similar decorations based on who contributes to their campaigns? Money from the insurance lobby - a purple ribbon. Money from the teachers lobby, an ORANGE ribbon, money from environmentalists, a GREEN ribbon, etc, with special gold pins for donations over thousand dollars. 

Some members would be all one color, some would be a rainbow, some would barely be able to maintain their balance under the weight.

But whatever the case, they would have to wear their decorations at all public appearances -- so you'd know at a glance who they really salute.

Now this. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
~C:\WORKS\FILES\CAMPAIGN.CBS 
Index 

CBS BUSH
Moved: 9/14/1999 11:04
CBS-BUSH 9/13/99

The smoking gun. This is DR.

If you ask the same question enough times, you'll eventually get an answer, and it has finally happened with the George W. Bush question.

According to a transcript, Interviewer Paula Zahn was asking George Bush Senior yet again about his son's wild and crazy days, and the former President finally explained.

George Senior says in the interview that George W was a ``a rambunctious
little guy'' who once tried to HIT HIM.

He was about nine, said the former President, I just held him at arm's length, he was just flailing away at me.

So finally it is out. George W Bush once tried to strike his father. His father doesn't remember what the argument was about, oh, but we can imagine:

"That's MY mailing list, daddy! Give it to me." 

"Now George W, you know how many times I've told you not to touch Daddy's mailing list."

That's only speculation of course.

In any case we finally know. The secret is out.

But for his tender age, George W would have been jailed for the attempted assault of a future president.

No wonder he's refused to answer the question.

But now here it is -- in all its ugliness, and we'll just have to see what it does to his numbers.

It's just the latest example of "gotcha" politics. What will it be next ... what new childhood horror will his parents suddenly recall? Tracking muddy footprints across the new carpet? Leaving his roller skates on the stairs?

Lucky for him this came out as early as it did. The election is 14 months away -- there is still time to repair the damage. 

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS MEGA RICH
Moved: 9/14/1999 11:03
CBS-MEGA RICH 9/13/99

Breaking the rules. This is DR...

There are certain rules that you must follow the moment you become one of the mega-rich.

The first thing you do when you become mega-rich is build a gigantic empty house, and then hire a dozen servants to live in it for you.

Then the next thing you do is build another empty house in another country and hire more servants to live in that one. Then you buy a plane so you can travel between your houses, in order to make sure your servants are enjoying themselves.

Then, when you run out of places to build houses, you hire professionals whose full time job is to tell you either how to invest your money and make more of it, or get rid of it.

In other words, being mega-rich is the art of taking the wealth created by your employees, and spreading it to people who had nothing to do with creating it.

But when Bob Thompson of Belleville Michigan sold his company for $422 million, he decided to break the rules.

He kept living in his three bedroom frame home, he kept the same boat -- a rowboat he inherited from his father -- and he informed his employees that he was taking 128 million dollars of the proceeds -- and giving it to them. All 550 of them.

And for about 80 of them, the checks had TWO commas, making them millionaires.

Mr. Thompson didn't own one of those Internet companies - he owned a road building company. His people work fourteen-hour days, six-days a week, spreading asphalt heated to 300 degrees. He figured they deserved a reward.

He still has 294 million dollars left -- plenty to build a 32 car garage, or a private bowling alley off the rec room. But somehow, I don't think he will.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS BUDGET
Moved: 9/14/1999 11:03
CBS-13 MONTHS 9/14/99

Congress finds a lucky number. This is DR...

Congress has a problem. There are many popular programs it doesn't want to cut -- but in order NOT to cut them, it would have to spend money it has agreed NOT to spend.

It agreed not to spend the money in 1997, when Congress and the President set spending caps -- and it is thanks in part to those spending caps that the treasury now has enough money to pay for the programs which by law it cannot.

You'd think that Congress would just accept this, and use the money to reduce the national debt, which as of last Friday stood at 5 trillion 652 billion dollars.

But instead, Senator Arlen Specter and others have come up with an ingenious solution.

They noticed that even though the budget agreement sets a spending limit for the fiscal year 2000, which starts October 1st, it doesn't PRECISELY define the term "fiscal year."

So Senator Specter proposes making fiscal year 2000 13 months long.

So you'd go October, November, December, etc, all the way through to August September October, and then an EXTRA month -- which they haven't named. We could call it "HOCK-Tober" for what the country would be in if this continues.

So there would be 13 months of money, but it would be spent in 12 calendar months, so they can pay for the extra programs, and keep everything legal. The law limits spending, but it says nothing about a year having to be 12 months.

Now -- if you spend 13 months worth of money in 12 months, it means that during the FOLLOWING 12 months you would only have 11 months of money to spend.

But they'll change that calendar when they come to it.

Now this.

This is DR ... 
Index 

CBS WACO5
Moved: 9/14/1999 11:03
CBS-WACO-5 9/14/99

It turns out Congress WAS told about the use of military tear gas in WACO after all! This is DR.

The issue that has re opened the investigation into the fire 6 years ago at the Branch Davidian compound is the recent revelation that the FBI used military tear gas cannisters.

Since Janet Reno had told Congress under oath they did not, this revelation made her look like a liar, which is why she's appointed John Danforth to get to the bottom of it.

But now, Democrat Henry Waxman is saying Congress HAD the information about the tear gas all along. He searched through the records of the House Government Reform Committee, and found several documents dating back to 1995:

There as an interview with an FBI co-pilot recalling a conversation about a military round.

There were prosecutors notes mentioning -- a military round.

And there were two sets of handwritten notes each mentioning a "military gas round."

A member of the committee staff responds that the documents Mr Waxman uncovered were among 100,000 pages supplied by the Justice Department, and would have been pretty easy to miss.

That's why investigators depended on a Justice Department summary to guide their investigation.

But last week, the Justice Department admitted that the 49 page summary it gave to the committee in 1995 was missing page 49 -- by an AMAZING coincidence the very page on which the tear gas was fully disclosed.

SO there it is. The truth was in there but no one has the time to look for it, so they relied instead on a summary written by the agency being investigated, and then everyone who read the summary -- smart as they were -- failed to notice that it was missing the last page.

It's amazing we find ANYTHING out, isn't it?

Now this.

Dave Ross... 
Index 

CBS Alcoholic
Moved: 9/10/1999 12:15
CBS-ALCOHOLIC 9/10/99

Penalty, or treatment? This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

There have been some novel attempts to claim victim status in this country.

From the president on down, people caught red-handed doing something wrong will find some way to explain that it's not their fault.

Take the case of Rickey Higgins, a high school senior in Illinois.

He helped Warren Township to its best finish ever at the state basketball tournament last March. But then in April he was cited for riding in a car with an open container of alcohol. And in May, he was behind the wheel himself when he ran into a tree.

Higgins admitted he had been drinking -- which you're not allowed to do when you're only 17.

And Warren Township High kicked him off the basketball team.
Their athletic code says any athlete involved in two alcohol-related incidents loses a year of eligibility.

But Rickey Higgins doesn't think that's fair. Because, he argues, he is not some irresponsible student who blew his sports career by drinking -- he's an alcoholic. And under the Americans with Disabilities Act, to tell him he can't play is discrimination.

He deserves reasonable accommodation instead of punishment.

So he's suing Warren Township High, in federal court, for 100-thousand dollars -- and his old spot on the basketball team.

Rickey's attorney -- backed up by a doctor, a psychologist, and a social worker -- says his drinking was out of his control, and when something is that out of control, you don't penalize, you treat.

But there are times when the penalty is part of the treatment, right?

Now this.

This is DR.... 
Index 

CBS Binge
Moved: 9/10/1999 12:15
CBS-BINGE 9/10/99

NOW they're serious. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Colleges around the nation are shocked at the drinking their students do. Who would have guessed that their students were consuming so much alcohol?

Apparently what's been happening is that kids go away to school, and they find out on the very first day that their parents -- AREN'T THERE!

But this year the fun is over. Colleges are determined to stop binge drinking. How can we tell? Are they going to start kicking the drinkers out? No! They've purchased ad space.

Nothing says "we're serious" like a big flashy ad. Just ask the tobacco industry. THIS particular ad, cosigned by 113 college and university presidents, features a big bottle with a label that reads "Binge Beer." And copy that's designed to shock parents.

"It's tough to be a college kid today. That's why we've developed Binge Beer. At Binge, we understand that sometimes you just need five or six drinks the night before that big test." 

Actually, undergrads will tell you it's best to binge AFTER the big test. But the ad goes on:

"Who says falling off a balcony is such a bad thing? And what's an occasional riot? Or even a little assault between friends?"

And then it asks parents to warn their kids about the dangers of booze.

Which is a nice idea. But I think most of us will pick up the ACTUAL message which is -- we're buying this ad instead of disciplining our students.

What worries me is the students who see this ad and want to know where they can buy the six pack. This stuff can start riots? Cool!

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NEWS QUIZ
Moved: 9/10/1999 12:15
CBS-NEWS QUIZ 9/10/99

Time for the News Quiz. This is DR...

The news quiz is your chance to test you knowledge of current events. Just ring in (DING) when you hear the right answer:

Question #1 -- Category: DRUG USE

A government sponsored study revealed this week that as of 1997, seven out of ten drug users were full time workers in the social mainstream.

By releasing this study, government officials were trying to tell us:

A) See? We can all do drugs and still hold down a job (BUZZ)

B) Don't be surprised if the cops break down your door and take 70% of your co-workers away. (DING)

Question number 2, Category, Health Care:

The Speaker of the House is still not sure whether to support a bill giving
patients the right to sue HMOs that deny care. In the meantime, the best thing to do if your HMO won't give you the care you need is:

A) Take the tube out of your mouth and just ask politely. (BUZZ)

B) Get elected to congress so you can use THEIR health plan. (DING) Right.

Question #3 Category George W. Bush:

Among the items for purchase at the office on-line store for George B. Bush is George W. Bush bottled water, 12 bottles for 18 dollars.

The main ingredient of George W. Bush water is:

A) Ordinary tap water, marked up about 30 times. (BUZZ)

B) Special Spring water, loaded with essential vitamins and minerals. (BUZZ)

C) None of your business. The water has been clean for at least 25 years, and anybody who asks what's in it can just go and buy somebody else's bottled water! (DING)

Now this.

This is DR... 
Index 

CBS INDONESIA
Moved: 9/10/1999 12:15
CBS-TIMOR 9/10/99

Next time, pay attention! This is DR on the CBS Radio Network.

Don't worry -- we will not be sending American soldiers to East Timor. 
Administration officials have made it clear that just because we bombed Kosovo, doesn't mean we get involved EVERY time some nation's armed forces go nuts -- which appears to be what's happening. 

Indonesia can't control it's army. It WANTS to, we're told -- everybody's on the same side here, the government of Indonesia is prepared to abide by East Timor's vote for independence -- it's just that the local army headquarters there won't follow orders, we're told. 

I guess we have to assume their intentions are good -- that somebody's barking orders into a phone in Jakarta, but no one's picking up in Dili.

And so, for now, we will keep trading with Indonesia -- the shipments of clothes and athletic shoes will continue -- the only thing the President will do is freeze a "$470,000-a-year military training program between the two countries."

A military training program. I read that in the New York Times, and I said to myself -- how about that! The Indonesian military was getting training from US! Clearly, it must not be working.

If WE have been training Indonesian officers, this kind of thing couldn't happen!

Because we train OUR military to follow orders. We train our military so that when the order comes to stop fighting, you stop fighting. Not only that, we train our military NOT to act against its own people. So that if a clearly unlawful order was given to, for example, "burn down a city" full of non-combatants, an American military officer would know to disobey.

Good thing the President is cutting off the training. The Indonesians weren't paying attention anyway.

Now this.

This is DR. 
Index 

CBS WACO4
Moved: 9/9/1999 11:13
CBS-WACO4 9/9/99

The truth is out there. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The attorney general has picked Former Republican Senator John Danforth to penetrate the mysteries surrounding the F-B-I's role in 1993 Branch Davidian siege. His job, he says, is to find out if the government killed people, and covered up.

But there's something else he ought to tell us, and that is -- is the US military truly prohibited from operating against its own people.

The National Security News Agency -- a group that specializes in finding memos that embarrass the Pentagon -- has found documents showing that military people were more deeply involved in the Waco seige than has ever been admitted.

The official line has been there were three soldiers at the Davidian compound on the day of the fire, and they were there strictly as observers. 

Well now we find -- according to these documents -- that there were Pentagon observers at the compound as early as March 2, 1993, more than a month before the April 19th fire. And the observers were from the Special Operations Command, which according to the New York Times, "oversees the military's most secretive commando squads."

We have also since learned that the military supplied the FBI and ATF agents on the scene with a million dollars worth of equipment.

So lets see where this leaves us: the military was not involved, BUT: it had observers there for most of the siege, it provided heavy weapons, it provided tanks, it provided armored personnel carriers, it provided helicopters, it provided those incendiary tear gas cannisters, and it provided TRAINING.

I guess it depends on what the definition of "involved" is.

Now this.

This is DR on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS 9999
Moved: 9/9/1999 11:12
CBS-9999 9/9/99

We're still here! This is DR on the CBS Radio Network.

Here it is 9/9/99 and the computers still work, the ATMs are still dispensing money, George Bush is still ahead in the polls.

AND, we are told, The North American power grid passed it's "9/9/99" test.

Because 9/9/99 is a date used by some older computer systems as a signal to shut down the program, and since computers control the power grid, about 500 utilities throughout the United States and Canada used the changeover to conduct a full scale practice for the Y2K transition.

The result? No problems. Everything worked, and as you can see just by looking around you, the power is still on.

So we've survived 9999, just as we survived the 99th day of the 99th year glitch back in April, and the global positioning satellite date turnover back in August.

However, here in Seattle we did get a LITTLE millennial scare. Yesterday, at about 8:00, just as we were hearing news about the power grid test, my office went dark as did other offices in a big chunk of the city. Which was strange since the sun was out, the wind was calm, and it wasn't even officially 9/9/99 yet.

But to our great relief there was a simple explanation.

A transsexual named Ava Tripp had climbed to the top of a major transmission tower where she then took off her clothes, danced, and after taking a drink from a jug of something, spit fire, all in full view of surprised motorist heading to work along I-5.

Seattle City Light decided it had better cut the power so the cops could get her down.

You can't blame the computers for everything.

Now this.

This is DR on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS VACATION
Moved: 9/8/1999 7:49
CBS-VACATION 9/7/99

The campaign promise you're NOT hearing. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Have you noticed something about the presidential campaign? We've heard a lot about politicians childhoods, where they grew up, how great their families are, how much they support education... but we have yet to hear one even halfway interesting campaign promise.

As a matter of fact, we haven't had a decent campaign promise in this country since Read My Lips, No New Taxes. And that's probably why.

So all we have now is candidates who stand in the backyards of their childhood homes and promise to be GOOD guys.

Whoppee.

Suppose they proposed something real.

Many of you were off on Monday, but on Monday the International Labor Organization released a report on work hours. And it found that American workers put in the longest working hours in the industrialized world.

We worked an average of 1966 hours in 1997, almost two weeks more than Japanese workers. In fact, our work week has been getting longer, even as the work weeks in other nations have been getting shorter.

And yet even countries with shorter work weeks, like France and Germany are starting to challenge our productivity.

So suppose a candidate stood up, and instead of promising some arcane change in medicare policy, or promising to fix a few leaky school roofs -- suppose he promises six weeks vacation for everybody?

Read My Lips, six weeks of vacation.

No need to come up with a sob story to get the time off under some Family Leave Act, no need to go crying to the boss -- "my wife is having a child, I need to bond with the baby" just six weeks of straight out VA-CA-TION!
Guaranteed by LAW.

Deliver on that and no one would care WHAT you did 25 years ago.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS PUERTO
Moved: 9/8/1999 7:49
CBS-PUERTO RICO 9/8/99

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network

In New York: 12 of the 16 Puerto Ricans sent to prison in connection with a terrorist bombing campaign in the 70's and 80's have accepted the President's offer of clemency.

I know the focus in this story has been on Hillary Clinton -- who was first silent about the clemency offer, and then suddenly said it should be withdrawn.

It was all very entertaining, watching her imitate a political windsock.

But I'm not worried about her.

I'm worried about some of the statements I saw on TV from politicians who apparently represent the Puerto Rican community.

Instead of being grateful for the clemency offer, their attitude seems to be "It's about time." I've even seen comments that the terms of the offer are too harsh. Too harsh -- that they promise to renounce violence and not associate with each other?

These politicians seem to be saying that being part of a terrorist organization is OK if your heart is in the right place.

Let's look at the list of charges: sedition, possession of unregistered firearms, interstate transportation of a stolen vehicle, interference with interstate commerce by violence and transportation of firearms with intent to commit a crime -- and I say to myself -- this is bad stuff. People who do that OUGHT serve time.

I know they they didn't actually kill anyone, for which I suppose we should thank them...

But hey -- Theodore Kaczynski thought he had a good cause.

Even a common bank robber figures HE's doing it for a good cause.

So forget Hillary -- we need a clear statement from the politicians who support these prisoners about whether they think the way to get change is to cast votes or throw bombs.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS EBABY
Moved: 9/7/1999 8:06
CBS-E-BAY 9/7/99

Less than the sum of its parts. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

E-Bay is becoming a pretty interesting place to do business!

Less than a week after a man offered to sell a human kidney through an online auction e-Bay -- prompting a flood of imitators -- there've been at least three offers of a human baby for sale.

Usually if you enter the phrase "Baby for sale" into the eBay search engine, you get listings of beanie babies, but no, these appeared to be for actual babies.

One sale purported to offer a boy, due to be born later this month to a couple attending the University of Chicago law school. I guess that's supposed to indicate a good pedigree. "Intelligence scores of parents ... upon request'' it said.

That's bad enough. But what's really upsetting is the price. Five five bids were submitted, reaching a high price of ... 109-thousand-100 dollars.

The kidney reached 5.7 million.

I don't know if we can draw any lessons from this -- except that now that all of us in the media are scouring eBay for body part auctions there are bound to be more.

But is really DOES look bad. The next time you you see a baby auction, at least have the decency to bid the price higher than 109 thousand dollars.

This morning there was another listing that read HUMAN BABY for sale, and the bidding there was starting at 50,000 whereas when I checked the latest human kidney listings, I found one for LEASE that was going for more than that.

In fact this morning there was a human testicle for sale -- and the opening bid on that was 1 million dollars -- and it probably doesn't even belong to a law student.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS KHADAFY
Moved: 9/7/1999 8:06
CBS-KHADAFY 9/7/99

An amazing conversion! This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Remember Muhammar Khadafy? We used to call him Libyan STRONGMAN Muhammar Khadafy.

He's the guy President Reagan attempted to bomb to smithereens for his sponsorship of international terrorism.

He seemed to drop out of sight after that, only surfacing lately when he finally turned over two suspects in the 1988 Pan Am bombing over Lockerbie.

Well according to the Associated Press, Muhammar Khadafy has undergone a conversion deeper than we imagined. He's refashioned himself as a peacemaker AND inventor.

And has in fact invented the world's safest car.

It's called "Libya's Rocket" -- because it's shaped like a rocket, a shape Khadafy is intimately familiar with -- and is packed with high tech safety features, including air bags that deploy all around the interior in case of an accident.

This approach to transportation highlights the Libyan leader's concern for humanity and human life, according to the Libyan Arab Domestic Investment Company. And here all these years we thought he was into making transportation LESS safe! No! He's been working on air bags!

This is proof -- the release says -- that the Libyan revolution is built on the happiness of man.

How come WE never say that about American inventions? 

"To prove that America is built on the happiness of man we proudly announce the talking bird clock!"

Anyway, now that Muhammar Khadafy has transformed himself from a coddler of terrorists to a one-man consumer product safety commission I guess the world has to give him a second chance.

Inventing a whole CAR. How can we match that? Yesterday OUR President showed up at a school in Norfolk, Virginia to help install a computer lab, and had to admit he'd never used a power screwdriver before.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS McCONNELL
Moved: 9/6/1999 7:29
CBS-McCONNELL 9/6/99

You could already by a loser. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The latest fundraising letter should be showing up in your mailbox shortly -- and it's from Senator Mitch McConnell, Chairman of the National Republican Senatorial Committee.

Letters like this always have an urgent tone to them, but this one is the most urgent I can remember. 

"Dear Fellow American:" it begins. "My colleagues in the United States Senate must have your immediate help to protect our country from a potentially devastating nuclear attack."

"The Communist North Korean government" the letter goes on, "has obtained nuclear technology and possibly the capability of reaching our shores with nuclear missiles..."

"If the North Korean Communists launch an attack on our nation, the United States does not have a way to stop it. By the time we retaliate with our own missiles, their nuclear bombs will have already killed hundreds of thousands of our citizens."

Wow! Makes you want to put on a flack jacket and start filling the sandbags. Or volunteer for the North Korean expeditionary force. 

But no, it turns out it's much easier than that! It turns out that the way to defeat this rogue nation, the way to save America from annihilation, is to send $25 to Senator Mitch McConnell.

Because he will use it to (quote) "do what President Clinton will not: preserve, protect, and defend the United States of America."

Well $25 is a small price to pay for that kind of security, so I know you'll send your check when the letter arrives.

But don't spend all your money. You want to save a little.

-- For the Democratic mailing where, for $25, they will promise to protect you from Senator Mitch McConnell.

Now this.

Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS WORK HOURS
Moved: 9/6/1999 7:29
CBS-WORK 9/6/99

We Do Our Part. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Now we know why America is rolling in money. We're working our tails off.

A study by the International Labor Organization finds U-S workers are putting in the longest hours in the industrialized world. More than even those busy Japanese.

On average, U-S workers put in 19-hundred-66 hours on the job in the most recent year studied, which means we're actually working MORE than we were in 1980 -- despite all those labor saving computers. Or maybe we're working more BECAUSE of those labor saving computers.

The Japanese, and even those lazy Europeans who get summers off are showing higher productivity than we are. Even with far fewer computers than we have.

Plus, there's ANOTHER study out today -- a Gallup survey -- which finds that one out of six employees -- even though they didn't follow through -- have contemplated punching a co-worker.

The same poll found that nearly two out of three workers agreed that getting equipment such as computers, faxes and e-mail to work properly is often frustrating.

SO there it is -- we work more, we're stuck with bum equipment, and we fantasize about smacking the poor schlump in the next cubby hole.

But of course, you can't throw a punch, and you can't work less, because that would get you fired, and in America, getting fired means losing your health insurance.

A European can tell his boss to stick it beacuse if he loses HIS job, so what? He his health insurance, he keep his retirement plans.... he can lease his villa to overworked American tourists who come to his country to spend their pathetic three weeks of vacation.

Now this.

Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS WACO3
Moved: 9/3/1999 8:00
CBS-WACO 9/3/99

Getting to the truth. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Attorney General Janet Reno will pick an outside investigator to examine the F-B-I's role in the 1993 Waco siege. She wants to get to the truth. But the question is not just whether a different type of tear gas was used.

The question is who is in control. 

We may never know how that fire started. 

But the problem is deeper than how the fire started. The problem is that the Attorney General didn't know what was going on. Maybe she asked the wrong questions, maybe she was intentionally deceived, but whatever the reason, the person with the ultimate responsibility didn't know.

And moreover, she continued not to know for six years! And indeed, had it not been for the wrongful death lawsuit which has brought this evidence out, she may never have known.

The FBI people involved apparently had NO trouble sitting on this evidence.
And THAT'S what the investigation has to uncover -- how employees of the FBI so easily sandbagged their supervisors.

When you look back at the footage of the siege in 1993, you see tanks, helicopters, high powered guns, and of course, tear gas.

We as a nation have given FBI agents access to that stuff. That's what the FBI is -- a group of people who have access to powerful weapons that nobody else is allowed to have.

The DIFFERENCE is, the FBI is supposed to be under strict civilian control.

And that's why Janet Reno's being out of the loop is so scary. How can you exert control if you don't know what's going on?

And if it's that easy for individual FBI agents to keep THEIR bosses out of the loop -- it makes you wonder what OTHER agencies -- that operate even farther below the surface -- that DON'T videotape what they do -- might be able to hide from THEIR bosses.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. 
Index 

CBS SPEEDING
Moved: 9/3/1999 8:00
CBS-SPEEDING 9/3/99

Slow down. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Labor Day is the final summer holiday of the year, and 37 million people will be on the roads. 37 million people ... in their big cars, and in an even bigger hurry.

37 million people with one eye on the map and another on the calendar.

Which makes it hard to see the speed limit. It's estimated more than 116-thousand people in this country will get speeding tickets between Friday and Tuesday.

Well, you do what you have to, all I can say is that you'd better not try it in the towns of Lawtey and Waldo, Florida.

The Triple-A has fingered Lawtey and Waldo as bona-fide suck-the-motorist-dry speed traps. Combined, the two towns have only 2000 residents, but last year the cops in Lawtey and Waldo issued 13,000 speeding tickets.

The Triple-A finds this so outrageous that for the last five years, it has been routing its members AROUND Lawtey and Waldo if they're planning on driving through the area south of Jacksonville.

But Lawtey police officer David Butler says the Triple-A is being a little unfair. He points out that 900,000 cars pass through every month -- on a road that goes right by Lawtey Elementary school. And the signs are very specific. The first sign says 65, the next sign as 55, and the third sign says 45. They are small, but they are clear.

And if the fines paid last year happen to account for two thirds of the town budget in Lawtey, and one third of the budget in Waldo -- well, so be it. It's expensive putting up all those signs.

Oh, the speed rules you must follow
If you're traveling through Waldo
And if it turns out you've been naughty,
You'll pay through the nose in Lawtey.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS KIDNEY
Moved: 9/3/1999 8:00
CBS-KIDNEY 9/3/99

The price is right. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

One of the things that has made the big Internet auction site E-BAY such a big success is that you can find ANYTHING there.

Cars, antiques, coins, stamps ... and for the last several days, human kidneys...

Yes -- illegal though it may be, somebody put a human kidney up for bid on E-bay and by the time the service stepped in and pulled the plug on the actions, the price had hit 5.7 million dollars.

Selling a kidney could get the seller five years and a 50,000 dollar fine, but for 5.7 million, it might be worth it. This morning there were three other human kidneys listed, two of them with starting bids of four million dollars -- but ONE starting for the bargain price of $9.99. I'd ask to see the warranty on that one.

Those auctions too have been disabled by e-bay.

Today the only kidney-related items you can buy include a model of a human right kidney going for $40, a kidney shaped serving bowl for $55, and a kidney shaped coffee table for $125.

E-bay officials think these kidney postings are pranks, and they may well be, but I must say I actually found them encouraging.

I remember being told in chemistry class that the human body was made up mostly of water, and a collection of chemicals worth about $1.17. You remember that? I guess the idea was to keep us humble.

But NOW we know far off that is. Based on the 5.7 million dollar free market price of a healthy kidney, those of us walking around with two of them are sitting on a cool 11.4 million dollars.

And that's just the kidneys. Consider what the going price for a lung or a heart would be and those of us who still have healthy ones begin to realize how rich we really are.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WEBSITES
Moved: 9/3/1999 8:00
CBS-WEBSITES 9/3/99

Lap-dog-dot-net. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

It's political courtship season. The first primary isn't until next year, the presidential race is in the earliest stages, but candidates are already thinking about running mates.

It seems crazy -- candidates usually don't start thinking about a second banana until they're pretty sure there's a first banana, but as with so many things, the Internet has changed the rules.

The domain names for Internet web sites are being snapped up so fast -- in many cases by speculators, that he who hesitates could end up nameless.

And so the Presidential candidates have not only been buying up various versions of their OWN names, but name combinations that include potential running mates.

This has given us an early clue about their short list. And the most remarkable short list has to be Steve Forbes.

According to the Politics1 Report, Steve Forbes has bought 19 addresses that include:

WWW.STEVEANDJEB.COM
WWW.STEVEFORBES-(dash) JEBBUSH.COM
WWW.STEVEFORBESJEBBUSH.COM (no dash)
WWW.FORBESANDJEBBUSH.COM
WWW.FORBES-JEBBUSH2000.COM

Notice something about these addresses? Steve Forbes is planning for the possibility that he can get George W's own BROTHER Jeb might agree to be his vice President.

Not that Jeb Bush has shown any interest in being vice-president to Steve Forbes. 

Of course, George W. has also purchased a bunch of web addresses 

...but George, if you're listening -- I checked -- and www.georgeandsteve.com is still available...

Now this. 
Index 

CBS WACO2
Moved: 9/2/1999 7:30
CBS-WACO2 9/2/99

How difficult it is to say what you mean. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The new evidence on the FBI's 1993 assault on the Branch Davidian cult near Waco is now in the hands of federal marshals. Thank goodness we can trust SOMEBODY with it ... and at last everybody from the White House on down agrees there should be an independent investigation.

What the marshals have is an infrared videotape recorded early on April 19, 1993, when FBI agents fired what we now know to have been incendiary tear-gas cannisters at a bunker near the Davidians' compound.

The audio track on the tape apparently includes the voice of an agent requesting and receiving permission to use those cannisters. Several hours after they were fired, the wooden part of the compound 50 yards away erupted in flames.

Did the cannisters set the fire? The FBI and Attorney General Janet Reno still say there is no such evidence. But then why would they deny for six years that the cannisters were even used?

Now we may know. It seems to be another example of government officials thinking a little too LITERALLY.

The story for six years has been that Reno gave clear orders NOT to use the dangerous incendiary-type tear gas.

But Byron Sage, who served as the FBI's chief negotiator with Koresh during the standoff, said that Reno did not exactly say that. She gave orders that dangerous incendiary-type tear gas not be used against the wooden compound.

And the FBI followed her instructions. It did NOT use incendiary gas cannisters against the wooden compound. It used them against a bunker made of concrete.

So that would mean it wasn't exactly a cover up. It's just that for six years, nobody asked the right question. It all depends on what your definition of "compound" is.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS TAIWAN
Moved: 9/2/1999 7:30
CBS-TAIWAN 9/2/99

Taiwan can relax. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Chinese leaders today have given us the welcome news that no matter how badly they want to recapture Taiwan, they will not USE nuclear weapons.

This statement from the foreign ministry is billed as the most explicit, public renunciation of the nuclear option China has ever given Taiwan. 

We were getting a little worried here because in July, when Taiwan's president was all but declaring independence, China announced it had developed a neutron bomb -- hint hint.

But when asked by a reporter today whether China would use the neutron bomb against Taiwan, the Chinese Foreign Ministry spokesman said "We will ... not use nuclear weapons against non-nuclear weapons countries and regions, let alone against our Taiwan compatriots."

"Our Taiwan compatriots" -- see how friendly they are? So the Taiwanese can rest assured that their "compatriots" across the strait will not send high speed neutrons screaming through their bodies.

No, their compatriots will apparently do the humane thing and just blow them up the old fashioned way with regular missiles.

The other aspect here is that if China used a neutron bomb, then, technically, the UNITED STATES, which is bound by US law to aid Taiwan's defense, would also be justified in using neutron bombs. And regardless of how many secrets China has stolen, that's a fight we can still win -- in the warped definition of winning that you apply in nuclear war.

But if it's just conventional missiles, followed, presumably, by an invasion ... well then, China gains a province. China has a little easier time getting military recruits than we do.

So what China is REALLY saying -- no! We would never use a neutron bomb against our compatriots. Because we don't have to.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS NO JOKES
Moved: 9/1/1999 6:40
CBS-NO JOKES 8/31/99

Another prohibited word. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

16-year-old Roni Lowe has given up her title as Miss Lubbock Teen USA.

She has also witrhdrawn from Lubbock's Frenship High School.

All because she uttered one of the new prohibited words.

The spate of school shootings has left school administrators scared and so now the rules of behavior at school are not much different that the rules of behavior in the security check line at the airport.

We assume you mean what you say.

And what Roni Lowe allegedly said in the lunch room was: ``All of the cheerleaders will disappear from the face of the Earth and everyone will know who did it.''

There are different versions of what happened -- she admits mouthing off to one cheerleader, but says she was not threatening all of them, and what she had in mind was nothing more serioius than a fist fight.

But the time is long past when we could safely assume that fists were the weapon of choice in school. And a parent of one of the cheerleaders complained. After an investigation over the summer school officials concluded that threatening someone with disappearance was enough to order Miss Lowe sent to an alternative campus for students with behavior problems. 

She decided to leave school and give up the crown instead.

You just don't joke in school anymore. Especially about cheerleading. Especially in Texas. In 1991, Wanda Webb Holloway, mother of a cheerleader, was convicted of solicitation for murder for trying to kill the mother of her daughter's rival for the squad.

So Roni Lowe is out, and Monica Vasquez -- the runner up -- is the new Miss Lubbock Teen USA 1999. I'm sure she has poise, and personality -- but if she one of those kids with a wild and crazy senze of humor, this would be a good time not to use it.

Now this.

Index 

CBS WACO
Moved: 9/1/1999 6:40
CBS-WACO 8/31/99

Out of the loop. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

When the Branch Davidian compound outside Waco went up in flames on April 19th 1993, most of us assumed that the Davidians had created their own Armageddon. For days during the standoff, David Koresh, the leader of the group, had been issuing taped harangues indicating that the world was about to end, and he'd have something to do with it.

But immediately after the place burned -- killing Koresh and 80 others -- conspiracy theories started circulating. That it was a mass execution. That the tank we saw supposedly injecting tear gas was actually using a flamethrower. That infrared photos indicated the fires started simultaneously in several areas.

The militia movement took up the cause, warning that a government that could do such a thing in Waco could do it anywhere. That there were ruthless elements in the government and that most Americans were too naive to know it.

Most of us dismissed such talk, because this is the United States. We The People pull the strings here. When two years later, Timothy McVeigh used Waco as his justification for bombing the Murrah Building in Oklahoma City it seemed to confirm that these theories were the stuff of deranged minds.

But now the FBI has admitted that that those tear gas grenades were not the safe type -- the type which could never never never start a fire -- but the explosive military type. And according to the Dallas Morning News, a federal prosecutor has informed Attorney General Janet Reno that "individuals or components within the Department of Justice" may have long withheld evidence from her.

Now what do we make of that? If the government can't even tell the truth to itself, I guess it means Janet will have to log on like the rest of us.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS SHOOTINGS
Moved: 9/1/1999 6:40
CBS-SHOOTINGS 9/1/99

Our mistake! This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The FBI is going to investigate the killing of Mario Paz of Compton, California -- who was shot to death during a drug raid. By mistake.

According to the LA Times, officers from the El Monte police department were searching the home of a drug suspect, when they found a drivers license and cellular phone bills bearing an address in Compton.

So they got a warrant to check OUT the address in Compton.

And the way they checked it out was to go there at night, shoot the locks off the front and back doors, explode a flash bang grenade, and rush inside.

The address turned out to be the residence of Mario Paz, a Mexican national, age 61, who that night was sleeping with 10,000 dollars of his life savings.

According to his family, when all hell broke loose, he thought he was being robbed.

What happened next is foggy. The police first claimed he was armed, then said, well, he SEEMED to be reaching for a drawer in which we later found guns.

Whatever the reason, the cops fired, and shot him in the back.

Of course it turned out Mr. Paz was innocent, and that the drug dealer had merely been using his address.

So now the FBI will investigate to see if Mr. Paz's civil rights were violated.

"To see if his civil rights were violated!" So that means investigators will gather in a room and one will say, "Our job, gentlemen is to decide whether busting into the home of a man while he's sleeping and shooting him in the back violates his civil rights."

I wouldn't think this investigation would TAKE too long, would you?

In the meantime, if ever YOU are awakened by gunfire and a tremendous explosion, just tell yourself, "It's only the cops with the wrong house again, I'll just drop spread eagle and explain it to them."

Now this. 
Index 

CBS ROMANCE
Moved: 9/1/1999 6:40
CBS-ROMANCE 9/1/99

A fine romance. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The Department of Energy is really cracking down on the spying now -- with a new memo advising employees with security clearances to report love affairs with foreigners.

Not ALL love affairs. One night stands, or the occasional afternoon delight can remain private -- but if it's deeper, AND if it involves someone from a country like China, India, Cuba, even Israel -- all of which are thought to be develoiping nuclear weapons, it should be reported.

And in the way of all government memos, this one is very helpful and very specific so there are no doubts.

The Albuquerque Journal carried excerpts, and in case any of you nuclear Fabios haven't read yours yet, here's what it says: 

"As the social relationship evolves, employees are strongly encouraged to advise their counterintelligence officer of details of the contact. This will permit the employee to seek guidance on the risks the relationship poses ... etc etc."

I know the DOE employees are joking about this memo, and it does sound kind of intrusive, having to share your pillow talk with a counterintelligence officer ... but is it really so bad? 

Have you ever listened to one of those radio psychologist shows?

I think if more of us consulted our counterintelligence officers before getting too deeply involved in a realtionship, you wouldn't see so many dumb marriages.

Sometimes a free background check is JUST what a relationship needs. No matter where your lover is from.

"We've been dating for three years, I've had two kids with him and now I find out he has eight other girlfriends, what do I do?"

Next time, listen to your counterintelligence officer, honey!

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS PAY GAP
Moved: 8/31/1999 4:51
CBS-PAY GAP 9/30/99

The figures are in -- your boss makes more than you do! This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

Yes, I know it sounds crazy, but a pair of think tanks have been tracking executive compensation and they have found that the heads of companies are very rich.

You want to know how rich?

For the chief executive of what's defined as a large company, average annual pay including stock options was 10.6 million dollars last year.

-- In part because back in the 80's when the country was in recession, labor unions said "give CEO's stock options so that if their companies tank, so do they."

Of course companies haven't tanked. So now executive pay is stratospheric and one critic of this executive excess says there's a growing movement for some sort of legislative pay cap.

I ask a simple question.

If you won a Lotto jackpot, would you feel the LEAST bit guilty? Would you search out people living under bridges and slip hundred dollar bills into their shopping carts?

Would you go asking Congress to limit Lotto winnings?

Of course not. That would defeat the purpose.

Well, if you wouldn't limit Lotto winnings -- which go to people who do absolutely ZERO to earn the money -- how could you justify limiting the pay of executives who at least DO something for it?

This is simple, ugly, ENVY, that's what it is.

Unworthy of Americans. Because we have other ways of getting back at the rich.

See, sooner of later the rich have to spend their money. And when they do, what do they buy? Stuff that's sold by the middle class. Swimming pools, jewelry, and fancy bathroom fixtures. In other words, rich people eventually have to buy stuff sold by the middle class.

It is our duty to make sure they pay through the nose. Especially you PLUMBERS.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS EARRINGS
Moved: 8/6/1999 7:49
CBS-EARRINGS 8/6/99

When history is in bad taste. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

When you go to a museum you expect a gift shop. So the National Atomic Museum in Albequerque, New Mexico has a gift shop. 

It sells T-shorts, old computer circuit boards, and for 20 dollars, a pair of earrings -- silver replicas of the two most famous bombs in American history.
Little Boy and Fat Man -- the atomic bombs dropped on Japan in August 1945 . . killing at least 175-thousand people and ending World War Two.

A peace activist in Hiroshima -- which was leveled by the bomb on August 6, 1945 found the earrings for sale on the museum's Web site, and wants them put away. He calls them unforgivable.

But Museum director Jim Walther says the earrings will stay because they reflect the history and work of dedicated nuclear scientists. The museum store manager says if they glorify anything it's the immorality of war.

PLUS -- they're the best-selling item in the museum store ...

Not suprising, because they represent what the museum is all about.

If you're going to prohibit atomic bomb earrings, why not the circuit board? Why not the Atomic Tie? Why not the 50th anniversary CHRISTMAS ornament which sells for $15.

Why not close the whole museum and maybe we'll forget it ever happened!

No, it may all be in bad taste, but bad taste is one of the side effects of freedom.

Anyone who doesn't like the earrings is free to issue a press release condemning them. And the people who go into the shop are free to buy them or not.

Not a bad metaphor for what World War II was all about.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS BLAIR WITCH
Moved: 8/6/1999 7:45
CBS-BLAIR 8/6/99

A true horror story. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

You can't turn around without seeing something about The Blair Witch Project -- the horror movie made on a 60-thousand-dollar budget that has exploded into a runaway hit, earning more than 28 million dollars this last weekend.

THAT much is true. And that's ALL that's true. The story itself - the Blair Witch, the three students who go looking for it, and their disappearance -- are all made up by the screenwriters.

But try telling that to the people who live where the movie was made. Burkitsville, Maryland has been overrun since the Blair Witch Project opened in theaters July sixteenth. Before then the little town of 214 people saw maybe three visitors a day. Now they're seeing up to 25.

Once in a while a whole bus will pull up full of movie fans who insist the story is true and ignoring locals who say it's not. The sign reading Welcome to Burkitsville has been stolen. The graves of town elders are trampled in the cemetery that appears in the movie. And the town clerk is getting more than 100 calls a week from believers.

CART 5419

That's Mayor Joyce Brown, who might be as upset about the missed opportunity as anything. Poor Burkitsville doesn't even have a store. Just 8 year old Nicole Beller selling bottled water and "Witch-Aid" from her front porch on main street.

But that may change. The Blair Witch may be fake, but the locals say a car set in neutral will actually roll UP the road they call Spook Hill. Pushed by dead Confederate soldiers. They're catchin' on.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS PEPSI
Moved: 8/6/1999 6:41
CBS-PEPSI 8/6/99

Nice try, John. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

John Leonard will not get his Harrier jet. John Leonard is the Seattle man who was watching a Pepsi TV commercial during the Pepsi Stuff campaign three years ago. You remember -- "Buy Pepsi, Get Stuff"? And they showed various items along with the number of points required to get them -- and the capper was a picture of kid getting ready to fly a Harrier Jet to school with the words 7 million points superimposed on the screen.

Funny, funny stuff.

But there was no disclaimer, nothing saying "We're just kidding".

Well a Harrier retails normally for $23 million, and Leonard knows a good deal when he sees one.

And since Pepsi was letting customers purchase Pepsi points for 10 cents each, Leonard raised $700,000 among friends and ordered the Harrier. All he got from Pepsi were some coupons for soda.

So he sued.

Now Federal Judge Kimba Wood -- one of the President's early nominees for Attorney General -- says the jet offer was obviously a joke, so no jet.

"No objective person could reasonably have concluded that the commercial actually offered consumers a Harrier jet" she wrote.

She called the youth pictured sitting in the Harrier jet "a highly improbable pilot, one who could barely be trusted with the keys to his parents' car, much less the prize aircraft of the United States Marine Corps."

I think she was worried about more than the jet though. Had Mr. Leonard won... there could be trouble with LOTS of commercials. Sweepstakes companies might have to cash all those realistic checks. Car makers would have to design SUVs so they really COULD drive to the top of roadless buttes. There would really have to BE a Blair Witch.

Now this. 
Index 

FOOTBALL.CBS 08/04/99
Moved: 8/6/1999 6:39
FOOTBALL.CBS 08/04/99 11:21 PM-DLR

Hang in there, Los Angeles. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Los Angeles has no pro football team at present -- not for lack of
trying. Investment banker Bill Chadwick spent several weeks nailing
together an agreement between the NFL and the State of California.

Under his plan, the state would have issued $150 million dollars in bonds
to build 20,000 parking spaces near the LA Coliseum -- per the NFL's demand -- and would have paid off those bonds using parking fees, ticket taxes, and other football revenues.

So that the taxpayers wouldn't get nicked.

But the NFL wouldn't sign. Perhaps because the deal also called included rent payments of up to 5 million dollars for use of the Coliseum.

No wonder the NFL wouldn't sign it!

Sign it? They were probably afraid to touch the envelope it came in! 
Commissioner Paul Tagliabue said the NFL needed to see a larger public
investment before it could bring professional football back to Los
Angeles. To the NFL, the only good skybox is a subsidized skybox. So Mr
Chadwick, the man who put the deal together, resigned.

And who can blame him? But you hang in there Los Angeles. Because you are the NFL's worst nightmare. The NFL knows that if YOU get away with an UNsubsidized stadium, OTHER cities might get similar ideas. OTHER cities might start using words like RENT (CRASH). And phrases like
"self-financing parking deck" (CRASH)

Our hopes are riding on you Los Angeles. If you cave -- if the world's
entertainment capital can't stare down the NFL -- we might as well end the
charade, just let the NFL levy its OWN taxes be done with it. Now this.

~C:\WORKS\FILES\FOOTBALL.CBS 
Index 

CBS HILLARY2
Moved: 8/5/1999 7:37
CBS-HILLARY2 8/5/99

Seize the agenda, Hillary! This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

As Hillary Clinton continues to explore the idea of running for Senator in New York, she has made an important discovery.

That unless she finds a darn good issue to latch on to, reporters are going to keep asking her about that Magazine interview.

It happened Wednesday in Jamestown New York, where she resumed her listening tour.

The locals wanted to talk about jobs, the lack of a skilled work force, the logging industry and environmental attacks on it, and, of course, how good would she be at squeezing out more federal money for New York State.

But those issues all have one thing in common. They bore reporters.

Print reporters know that no editor is going to buy a long magazine article on logging in upstate New York. TV reporters know that the network desk is not going to hold two minutes at the top of the show for a story on unemployment in Jamestown.

And since news reports will define her campaign, Mrs. Clinton must SEIZE the agenda. And she must act fast. The next time she is asked about the President's childhood she should answer!

And she should say, yes, indeed, my husband WAS affected by the arguments between his mother and his grandmother. "But here's what's even more surprising, ladies and gentleman -- I have found out that WHAT they were arguing about was unemployment in upstate New York.

That's what left Bill so traumatized. Having to grow up, hearing heated discussions about logging, the lack of skilled workers and the effects of these things on the economy of upstate New York -- it left a scar.

"And THAT's why I'm running."

You get the idea.

She needs to come up with something more interesting, or this race is never going to be about her.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

BOYSCOUT.CBS 08/04/99 10:
Moved: 8/5/1999 7:37
BOYSCOUT.CBS 08/04/99 10:03 PM-DLR

What a good boy scout should be thinking. This is Dave Ross on the CBS
Radio Network.

The New Jersey Supreme Court has ruled that he Boy Scouts were wrong to
dismiss a Scoutmaster who turned out to be gay. Wrong to dismiss James
Dale, who came through the ranks as an eagle scout, earned 30 merit badges,
and by all accounts did an excellent job. Except that it came out in a
newspaper article that he was ... gay, so out he went.

The Boy Scouts argue that Scouting is a private organization, and has a
right to set its own standards - one of which is sexual behavior. Although
thinking back to the year I spent as a Cub Scout, sex never came up. We
promised to be "physically alert, mentally awake, and morally straight" but
we figured that meant you should be honest and not fall asleep at the
meetings.

However now we find that there is s certain way a Boy Scout should be
thinking when his mind turns to matters of sex. IF his mind turns to
matters of sex.

Well, fair enough. The trouble is, it isn't spelled out. The Scouts have
been kind of coy.

You can look in the mission statement, the oath, and the boy scout law - no
mention of sex!

"Physically strong , mentally awake, morally straight." That's it.

So repeat after me: "On my honor" On my honor "I will do my best to do my
duty," I will do my best to do my duty "to help others," to help others
"to keep myself physically strong and mentally awake," to keep myself
physically strong and mentally awake" and should my mind ever turn to
matters of sex "and should my mind ever turn to matters of sex "I pledge as
a Boy Scout" I pledge as a Boy Scout" to think only of Girl Scouts "to
think only of Girl Scouts." So we're all on the same page. Now this.

C:\WORKS\FILES\BOYSCOUT.CBS 
Index 

CBS ATMs
Moved: 8/4/1999 7:27
CBS-ATMS 8/4/99

Its an outbreak of self-reliance. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

It was just a little item, a mere soupcon of a news story. But it's hard to overestimate its significance.

Do you remember last year's uproar in Congress over Cash Machines -- ATMSs -- and the charges banks were imposing on people who merely wanted to get at their own money?

There were Congressional hearings. Senator Al D'Amato launched a personal crusade for a federal law banning ATM surcharges. Bankers were scolded for their greed. D'Amato lost the crusade, lost the election, and the surcharges remained. They now average about $1.27 per transaction and 90% of banks charge them.

But then comes today's little news item.

Dateline Chicago -- According to a survey conducted by the magazine "Bank Network News", ATM transactions are down more than TWO percent from a year ago. The survey says that instead of using ATMs, people are asking for cash back at the grocery store, or using a debit card instead of cash.

In other words, Americans are proving that they are able to solve this problem -- BY THEMSELVES!

People apparently noticed ON THEIR OWN that when you pay $2.00 to take $20 out of the bank, it's a little like losing coins in a sofa every time you get up.

Hey maybe that's why banks out sofas in the lobby.

And in an outburst of self-reliance, bank customers have realized that even without federal legislation they were able to stop using ATMs.

If people are able, on their own, to stop using ATMs. It means that someday people who are offended by pornography might stop buying it. People who think gambling is bad might stop betting. And parents who don't want their kids to watch trashy TV might -- turn it off!

Now this. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS TV AND KIDS
Moved: 8/4/1999 7:27
CBS-TV AND KIDS 8/4/99

Raising healthy children. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

So you thought it was OK to let pre-schoolers watch Barney, because he hugs everybody. OK for them to watch the Teletubbies because their words are incomprehensible so what damage could it do?

Now the American Academy of Pediatrics warns that children under the age of 2 shouldn't watch ANY TV.

The head of the committee that put the study together said, and I quote, "Children under 2 should be interacting with a puzzle or digging in the dirt."

"Digging in the dirt."

It's true -- parents today don't like to let their kids dig in the dirt. In fact when parents DO let their kids dig in the dirt we have a name for it: CHILD NEGLECT.

You can't have kids digging in the dirt!

"Digging in the dirt" doesn't require any special equipment or parenting courses or tutors. It's -- FREE. Not only is it FREE, but kids do it automatically. Leave a kid alone, and eventually, he'll crawl off somewhere and dig dirt. I dug in the dirt. It's clear now that Bill Clinton should have spent HIS childhood digging in the dirt.

We don't let kids dig in the dirt today. Instead we immerse them in classical music. Mozart.

But now there's a report on that too -- concluding Mozart doesn't work either. A psychology professor at Appalachian State University found no difference in reasoning ability between kids exposed to Mozart and kids exposed to silence.

So there it is. If you want healthy kids, raise them in silence and let them play in dirt.

At least let it be scientifically harvested dirt certified by experts.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS WEALTH
Moved: 8/3/1999 7:13
CBS-WEALTH 8/3/99

Why the tax cut won't fly. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Republicans in Congress are now racing to write a compromise bill that cuts taxes more than $792 billion over the next ten years. They know the Democrats are against it, and they can't wait to send out campaign letters saying just that.

"What do the Democrats have against giving people their money back?" They letters will say.

But I think the issue here is not so much whether I get MY money back -- it's whether the OTHER guy gets HIS money back.

You see, we are now at a point in the business cycle where rich people are getting -- well, kind of annoying.

Especially because so many of them are in their late 20's.

It's OK to have a few really OLD rich people who keep to themselves, and live in walled compounds. But now there are LOTS of rich people. And they DON'T keep to themselves. They're right there in your neighborhood. And worse, they are people who you knew back when they were NOT rich.

They can't go with you to a ball game because they're spending six weeks sailing to Australia. And when they DO go with you to the ball game, you'll be sitting in their new skybox. Because they own the team.

And then the bulldozer shows up in your neighborhood, and demolishes three normal size houses, and hundreds of construction workers spend a year building a mansion the size of a train station.

Nobody begrudges the rich houses the size of a train stations -- if they're built over near the actual train station. But when this person who was always getting beat up in fifth grade now has a house bigger than the high school, the LAST thing you want him to have is a tax break.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS SWEEPSTAKES
Moved: 8/3/1999 7:12
CBS-SWEEPSTAKES 8/3/99

Is this fair? This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The Senate has approved one of the strangest pieces of legislation that has ever come before it. By a vote of 93-0 it has approved legislation that says sweepstakes companies must do the following things:

They must include ``clear and conspicuouss'' messages in their mailings stating that no purchase is necessary to enter or win.

They must make it clear that buying something does NOT increase your chances of winning. 

There must be a clear statement of the ACTUAL RETAIL value of all prizes, and the estimated odds of winning one.

And any mailing that looks like a check, but is not, must clearly STATE that it is NOT.

In short, the legislation just passed by the Senate would require Sweepstakes companies to TELL THE TRUTH.

Now they'll have to meet the same high standards of truth that state lottery ads meet!

Sheesh! Why don't they just send the FBI out to padlock the doors right now? How can a sweepstakes company stay in business if it has to tell the absolute truth?

"Congratulations -- we are mailing you this worthless piece of paper with ONE MILLION DOLLARS written on it. Actually, you have almost NO CHANCE of winning ONE MILLION DOLLARS, no matter how many magazines you buy from us. However we do guarantee that your name WILL be put on one million MAILING LISTS." 

See? This is not fair.

Especially when these same Senators will soon be sending out mailings of their own. Filled with promises promises promises promises.

And will they tell you the actual odds of accomplishing what they promise to accomplish? If you believe that, I have a million dollar check for you.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS HILLARY INTERVIEW
Moved: 8/2/1999 7:56
CBS-HILLARY 8/2/99

A hard dog to keep on the porch. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Apparently deciding that it was something the inquiring voters of New York needed to know, the first lady has explained why her husband has been known to stray into the neighbor's yard.

It was childhood trauma. Conflict between his mother and grandmother.

The revelation comes in the premiere issue of Talk magazine, and was conveniently leaked to a newspaper in London.

``He was so young, barely four, when he was scarred by abuse" she's quoted as saying. "There was a terrible conflict between his mother and grandmother. A psychologist once told me that for a boy, being in the middle of a conflict between two women is the worst possible situation. There is always a desire to please each one.''

She later explained she wasn't referring to physical abuse, but psychological abuse -- apparently he overheard family arguments.

So why would Mrs. Clinton give such an interview, and remind us of something we'd rather forget?

Well because most of the article is about what a good man he is despite his weaknesses, and how they love each other -- which I think is a way of saying "we are NOT getting divorced, I am not running for Senate merely as an excuse to move out, and that my staying with him is a sign of strength, not weakness."

But in addition, it might help secure the MALE vote, I think. Because it gives men caught betraying their wives an EXCELLENT line of argument, doesn't it?

When caught with the young honey under the desk, men, explain it was because you overheard a family fight at age four. And if your wife still doesn't seem to understand, point out to her that Mrs. Clinton would understand.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS GUN VIOLENCE
Moved: 8/2/1999 7:56
CBS-VIOLENCE 8/2/99

Where's the protection? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

As the funerals for victims of Mark Barton's office rampage begin, other companies are trying to make sure their offices are not next.

Statistically, homicides at work are declining, but that's not much comfort when the few incidents that DO happen are so terrifying. 

So we read today that one company has a ``Threat Assessment Team'' that tries to some up with safe ways to fire problem employees. Other companies try to help employees who are being stalked by abusive spouses.

As for Congress, no advice yet, but I suppose there'll be a resolution that the ten commandments be posted at day-trading firms now.

As for the National Rifle Association, it was quick to say guns had nothing to do with the Atlanta massacre; guns don't pull their own triggers after all -- which is very true. But if guns didn't CAUSE the massacre, neither did they PREVENT it.

WHICH, THEORETICALLY, THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO DO. One of the reasons guns are so easily available in America is that gun groups have successfully argued that guns give the GOOD people a chance to PROTECT themselves from people like Mark Barton.

And if there's any place where you're free to protect yourself, it's Georgia.

Under Georgia law, if you pay $32 and pass a background check, you can carry a handgun almost anywhere. Other than that, no other permit or registration is required.

And yet easy access to guns didn't have the intended effect here. No one shot back.

Perhaps offices should pre-position guns as they do fire extinguishers. In case of violence -- break glass.

Now this. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS SHOOTING
Moved: 7/30/1999 7:35
CBS-SHOOTING 7/30/99

Understanding insanity. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Once again we are trying to find out why a person who looks so normal would suddenly go on a killing rampage.

The shooting rampage in Atlanta is the latest story involving this new genre of killer: killers who just don't look the part.

There was Benjamin Smith, the middle class college student turned suicidal White Supremacist in Illinois. Cary Stayner, the athletic and very helpful hotel handyman -- who even helped police gather evidence in the murder of those tourists at Yosemite, but has now confessed to committing the crime himself.

And of course, Harris and Klebold, the Columbine shooters -- normal looking middle and upper class kids.

Now the case of Mark Barton turns everyone's attention to the pressures of day trading, because he was a day trader -- one of the 250,000 people in America who make their money, and LOSE their money on the minute-to-minute rise and fall in stock prices.

Well there must have been a reason why he picked a day trading firm as the place to open fire -- but let's face it: a person on the edge could pick any place. 

And if day trading is stressful, so are many other occupations. Barton apparently killed his wife and children first. The institution of marriage is too stressful for some people too.

The difference is that some can handle the stress, some can't, and so far, there is no reliable way to tell which is which.

You may be able to understand why this incident happened, but it won't help prevent the next one.

Because you're trying to understand insanity. And if you could understand insanity, it wouldn't be insanity anymore, would it?

Now this.

Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS SAT BILBRAY Dan
Moved: 7/30/1999 7:33
CBS-BILBRAY 7/30/99

An idea that's too good. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Job discrimination is one of the biggest social problems in this country.
1997 figures show the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission heard more than 110-THOUSAND claims of unfair on-the-job treatment because of race, gender, age, disability or lifestyle.

And more than a quarter of a billion dollars changed hands as a result of discrimination lawsuits in that one year alone.

This means job discrimination is more than a problem -- for some people, it's a career. 

Which may explain why no one's listening to Representative Brian Bilbray, the California congressman who has proposed the Workplace Fairness Act.

It does exactly what the Civil Rights Act of 1964 does, but from the opposite direction.

Instead of listing the reasons you CAN'T discriminate, Bilbray's bill gives the reasons you CAN discriminate. Nine reasons -- related to job performance, and job performance ONLY.

A brilliant idea. Too brilliant. Very few members of Congress want to touch it.

The business lobby doesn't like it, apparently because they want to protect the rights of bosses to fire competent people. And liberals don't like it, I guess because it would protect EVERYONE who's fired without cause, not just certain groups.

But under the Workplace Fairness Act, there would be no need for endless debates WHICH group should get special protection -- EVERYONE would be protected.

Wouldn't that solve the problem?

Maybe that IS the problem.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS DEBT3
Moved: 7/29/1999 7:21
CBS-DEBT3 7/29/99

Can you be trusted? This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

President Clinton is again promising the veto a Republican tax cut plan.

He says the plan is risky. That the money should be used for Social Security, Medicare, education, and the environment.

But the Republicans insist on giving taxpayers the money, so we have a stalemate.

Republicans say the people should get to decide how to spend the money, the President and the democrats saying the GOVERNMENT knows best how to spend the money.

In the spirit of compromise, let me offer a suggestion which might satisfy both sides.

Suppose we GET the money back, but we promise to spend it the right way.

You see, what we need to do is e-mail the President right now and assure him that if we get the money back, we would spend it on the things HE wants us to spend it on.

He thinks the money should be used to protect Social Security -- in other words, that older Americans will get their share. So we assure him that if we get the money back, we'll send some straight to our aging parents.

He thinks the money should be used to expand the Medicare program to pay for drugs. So we assure him that if we get the money, we'll pick up the tab for dad's heart medicine.

He wants it spent on education. So we assure him that if we get the money, we'll send it straight to the local PTA. Or spend it on tuition.

He wants it spent on the environment. So we assure him that if we get the money we'll buy a mulching lawnmower. In short, we assure the President that we CAN be trusted. He must think we're going to spend it all on chewing tobacco.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS DEBT2
Moved: 7/29/1999 7:21
CBS-DEBT2 7/28/99 6:14 PM-DLR

It just keeps growing and growing and growing. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Congress is ready to approve a tax cut.

Republicans are determined to put more money into people's pockets -- while President Clinton says the surplus should be used for Social Security, Medicare and education.

So ACTUALLY both sides will put more money in people's pockets. Just different sets of pockets.

The one thing NEITHER side seems to want to do is pay off the national debt, which just keeps growing. SLOWER than before, but growing nonetheless. As of Tuesday it stood at 5 trillion 640 billion dollars.

OFFICIALLY, the national debt has gone UP 26.3 billion since the beginning of the year. Up 8.2 billion dollars JUST since July 1st.

And the interest payments on that debt are around 300 billion a year.

Interest payments... could that be it?

If the government paid off its debt, it wouldn't have to borrow money anymore.

That would mean no more T-bills, which, because they are backed by the government, are considered the safest investment you can buy. Lots of rich people have them -- just in case the stock market goes down.

Also, if you paid off the debt, interest rates would drop. REALLY drop. Which is great if you're the BORROWER, but TERRIFYING if you're the lender.

Banks are used to getting 7% on home loans -- and 18% on credit card balances.

Can you imagine what would happen if interest rates went down to 3%. Or 2%. Or 1%? They might have to sell the skybox!

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. 
Index 

STAYNER.CBS 07/27/99 9:18
Moved: 7/28/1999 7:05
STAYNER.CBS 07/27/99 9:18 PM-DLR
Why did the FBI miss him. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
The question today is why did the FBI interview Cary Stayner, and then let
him go?
This case began with the disappearance of three sightseers in Yosemite
National Park in February. An insert from the wallet of one of the missing
women showed up 60 miles form the park in Modesto.
So the FBI said, aha - we'll investigate the drug rings in Modesto. They
arrested a couple of subculture characters named with records of sex and
drug offenses. Just the kind of people you'd expect would be capable of
rubbing out tourists at random.
The FBI even had fiber evidence linking them to the victims, and a
confession from one of them, since recanted.
But now Cary Stayner - the clean cut, athletic handyman - has confessed that
HE killed the tourists, and purposely dropped the wallet insert in Modesto
to throw the FBI off. And it worked. The FBI had ruled him out, leaving
him free to stalk Joie Anderson, the unlucky naturalist who could not have
known that this friendly fellow was the most dangerous predator in the park.
The confession of Cary Stayner to all four murders is a problem for the FBI,
because agents were about to present grand jury evidence showing the EX-CONS
did it. Stayner's story, if it holds up, would mean they were prepared to
prosecute the wrong people.
Did Cary Stayner elude detection because he was clean-cut, athletic, and
completely normal - except for the voices that had been talking to him for
30 years?
``People expect killers to look different'' said one Public Defender. And
that's the danger in rounding up the usual suspects, isn't it? It makes it
easy to miss the real ones.
Now this. Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS WOODSTOCK2
Moved: 7/28/1999 7:05
CBS-WOODSTOCK2 7/28/99

Will there be another Woodstock? This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The big concern among rock promoters now is that the fiery end to Woodstock '99 means the end of Woodstock. That no municipality will ever again permit 225,000 young people to spend the weekend hearing deafening music and getting ripped off by food vendors.

That never again will a generation of young people feel the mud on their skin, or experience the character-building claustrophobia of pulling the door closed on a full latrine.

Promoters worry that after Woodstock '99, concert experiences will be limited to sanitized outdoor amphitheaters with actual seats, or worse, indoor climate-controlled arenas where the food is warm and the bathrooms are not only clean, but are equipped with changing tables. And worst of all, where the acts have names like Neil Diamond and Barry Manilow.

But we needn't worry, ladies and gentlemen. A story on the wires today gives me hope that the spirit of Woodstock will live as long as there is a human race and a vacant Air Force base.

Dateline ROME, N.Y. -- Eight state troopers evacuating concertgoers at the end of Woodstock '99 reportedly urged two young female fans to strip and then posed for photos when they were naked.

There you have it, people.

Nothing that happened at Woodstock -- not the overpriced water, the short sets, the closing bonfires -- can eclipse this simple fact. A rock festival is the one place where you can ask perfect strangers to take off their clothes, and they'll do it.

That, my friends, is why there will always be a Woodstock.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

STAYNER.CBS 07/27/99 9:18
Moved: 7/28/1999 6:46
STAYNER.CBS 07/27/99 9:18 PM-DLR
Why did the FBI miss him. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
Thje question today is why did the FBI interview Cary Stayner, and then let
him go?
This case began with the disappearance of three sightseers in Yosemite
National Park in February. An insert from the wallet of one of the missing
women showed up 60 miles form the park in Modesto.
So the FBI said, aha - we'll investigate the drug rings in Modesto. They
arrested a couple of subculture characters named with records of sex and
drug offenses. Just the kind of people you'd expect would be capable of
rubbing out tourists at random.
The FBI even had fiber evidence linking them to the victims, and a
confession from one of them, since recanted.
But now Cary Stayner - the clean cut, athletic handyman - has confessed that
HE killed the tourists, and purposely dropped the wallet insert in Modesto
to throw the FBI off. And it worked. The FBI had ruled him out, leaving
him free to stalk Joie Anderson, the unlucky naturalist who could not have
known that this friendly fellow was the most dangerous predator in the park.
The confession of Carl Stayner to all four murders is a problem for the FBI,
because agents were about to present grand jury evidence showing the EX-CONS
did it. Stayner's story, if it holds up, would mean they were prepared to
prosecute the wrong people.
Did Carl Stayner elude detection because he was clean-cut, athletic, and
completely normal - except for the voices that had been talking to him for
30 years?
``People expect killers to look different'' said one Public Defender. And
that's the danger in rounding up the usual suspects, isn't it? It makes it
easy to miss the real ones.
Now this. Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS WOODSTOCK2
Moved: 7/28/1999 6:17
CBS-WOODSTOCK2 7/28/99

Will there be another Woodstock? This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The big concern among rock promoters now is that he fiery end to Woodstock 99 means the end of Woodstock. That no municipality will ever again permit 225,000 young people to gather outdoors to listen to deafening music and get ripped off by food vendors.

That never again will a generation of young people be able to coat themselves in mud, or have the character-building experience of having to pull the door closed on a full latrine.

Promoters worry that after Woodstock '99, concert experiences will be limited to sanitized outdoor amphitheaters with actual seats, or worse, indoor climate-controlled arenas where the food is warm and the bathrooms are not only clean, but are equipped with changing tables. And worse, where the acts have names like Neil Diamond and Barry Manilow.

If this happens, and Woodstock is no more, generations of American young people will never know what it is to suffer for their music.

But we needn't worry, ladies and gentlemen. A story on the wires today gives me hope that the spirit of Woodstock will live as long as there is a human race and a vacant Air Force base.

Dateline ROME, N.Y. -- Eight state troopers evacuating concertgoers at the end of Woodstock '99 reportedly urged two young female fans to strip and then posed for photos when they were naked.

There you have it, people.

Nothing that happened at Woodstock -- not the overpriced water, the short sets, the closing bonfires -- can eclipse this simple fact. A rock festival is the one place where you can ask perfect strangers to take off their clothes, and they'll do it.

And that's why there will always be a Woodstock.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

WOODSTO1.CBS 07/26/99
Moved: 7/28/1999 6:17
WOODSTO1.CBS 07/26/99 11:22 PM-DLR

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. And it's time for ... the News
Quiz. Yes here it is, your chance to test your knowledge of current
events. Just ring in (DING) When you hear the right answer.

Today's Category: (PLINK) Outdoor Rock Festivals.

Question one: You are organizing a rock festival, and your research
indicates that the audience will need bathroom facilities. Do you:
A) Make sure they are convenient, accessible, plentiful and well maintained?
B) Hold the festival in a big field and make sure your offices are upwind.
(DING)

Question two. You're a music lover and you hear that there's going to be a
rock festival called Woodstock. The first thought that goes through your
mind is:
A) I'll hear America's finest young artists in a friendly relaxed outdoor
setting.
B) I'll enjoy reasonably priced food and luxurious camping accommodations
C) I'll be part of a spontaneous outpouring of pacifism
D) Naked mud-covered babes! (DING)

Question three: You notice that gangs of angry young white males are
setting fire to cars. The first thought that goes through your mind is:
A) Rage against the capitalist oppressors (BUZZ) Yeah, right.
B) Now I can warm up this pizza (BUZZ)
C) Quick! Post the Ten Commandments! (BUZZ)
D) Naked mud-covered babes - (DING)

Question four: You are at a rock festival when suddenly you notice that you
have no clothes on. Your first thought is:
A) Peace! (BUZZ)
B) Love! (BUZZ)
C) I'm FIFTY-SEVEN years old! Get me some pants! (DING)
Now this. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
~C:\WORKS\FILES\WOODSTO1.CBS 
Index 

CBS WACKO
Moved: 7/27/1999 11:40
CBS-WACKO 7/27/99

The wacko next door. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The FBI says Cary Stayner is their man. Cary Stayner is the man who killed those three women who went sightseeing in Yosemite National Park last February. The bodies of two of the victims were found in their burned out rental car, and the third, only 15 years old, was found near a lake.

He'd successfully thrown the FBI off the trail. They suspected a group of drug users of the tourist murders. Not a clean cut guy like Stayner.

But according to what Stayner told a TV reporter his fantasies wouldn't leave him alone.

He happened to strike up a conversation with Joie Armstrong, who was working as a naturalist at the park, and when he realized she was alone, could not resist the urge to kill her.

Stayner says he has harbored fantasies about killing women for thirty years -- since he's 37, that would mean he's been screwed up since he was 7 years old.

At the Cedar Crest hotel near the park where he worked as a handyman, co-workers were shocked. They had no idea. NO one did. The news reports describe him as an avid outdoorsman with youthful, clean-cut good looks.

In other words -- doesn't fit the stereotype we all have. I wonder how many normal looking killers we have to catch before the stereotype changes.

To the victims' families, Stayner said, "I am sorry their loved ones were where they were, when they were. I wish I could have controlled myself."

Well, the reason those people were where they were -- the reason anyone goes to a park for a weekend in the wilderness -- is to get away from the craziness of the world.

And this time, it just followed them into the woods.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS HAPPPINESS
Moved: 7/26/1999 7:40
CBS-HAPPINESS 7/26/99

Happiness -- a little too dangerous. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Pam Johnson had a bright idea -- she thought she'd write all 50 U.S. governors and ask them to declare Aug. 8 ``National Admit You're Happy Day.'' 

Ms. Johnson is founder of the Secret Society of Happy People, and is convinced that most people would be happy if only they were ALLOWED to be happy.

But we live in a society which is so preoccupied with THERAPY and VICTIMHOOD that feelings of happiness only bring guilt. Happy people today are where gay people were in the 70's -- afraid to come out.

So Ms Johnson set up shop in her apartment outside Dallas and wrote the governors asking for a happiness proclamation.

Now, as you know, typically, getting a proclamation from the governor is about as difficult to get as a letter from Ed McMahon.

And yet, most of the governors stiffed Ms. Johnson.

New York Gov. George Pataki -- who was willing to issue a Woodstock proclamation -- wrote back that New York State has no official position on happiness.

The reply from Oklahoma Gov. Frank Keating's office. `We'll need to check with our attorneys.''

Texas Governor George W. Bush didn't respond -- he's probably waiting for a special briefing on the issue...

The office of Jesse Ventura said that he doesn't see how this affects the people of Minnesota.

Quipped Ms. Johnson ``It's really bizarre-- it's not like I proposed a `Take Your Guns to Work Day."

There's your mistake Ms Johnson. They'd have gotten campaign contributions out of that.

But the other thing is... happiness scares politicians. Because happy people don't need help from the state.

Too many happy people and pretty soon politicians have nothing to do.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS WOODSTOCK
Moved: 7/26/1999 7:39
CBS-WOODSTOCK 7/26/99

Riot practice. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Well now -- I went to Woodstock '94, and I remember thinking as a trudged out through the mixture of mud and sani-kan effluent that they'll never top this.

But I have to admit they did. The crowd at Woodstock '99 came up with the idea of setting fire to the place! 

Perhaps because it was the first Woodstock that was dry enough to burn! 

The idea was apparently planted by a suggestion from one of the singers that audience members smash stuff -- which they did -- and then Sunday, a peace group got the bright idea to hand out candles to the audience.

Brilliant. Hand out open flames to thousands of people who've been forced to pay $4 for a pretzel.

Soon, there were scattered bonfires. The the crowd went for the tents, the food booths, the light stands, a speaker tower, a radio station truck, and they blew up the tractor trailers responsible for bringing in those $4 pretzels.

Some of the older fans in the crowd were disgusted. This was not the spirit of Woodstock, they said.

But you have to remember -- this one was on pay-per-view television. And it's got to compete with wrestling. Wrestling always ends with a melee. 

Plus -- Setting Woodstock on fire also served an important social purpose.

You see, we've had this stereotype in America since the riots of the 60's, and the LA riots in 92, that only black folks would burn down their own neighborhood.

But Woodstock 99 proved that middle class white kids ARE every BIT as capable of putting on a decent riot.

NOW we see that even white kids, raised by good parents in middle class suburbs, if you cram them together, sprinkle some drugs around, saturate them with hip hop music, don't clean the toilets, and charge $4 for pretzels, will try to burn themselves down.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

SAFECO.CBS 07/16/99 1:29
Moved: 7/16/1999 7:33
SAFECO.CBS 07/16/99 1:29 AM-DLR

[not used as of 7/16/99]

Stop the insanity! This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Here in Seattle we have finally opened up our new baseball cathedral, Safeco
field. And what a show! As the Seattle Symphony played Thus Spake
Zarathustra, the 60 million dollar roof opened - and almost 30 years to the
day after man first walked on the moon, Seattle first experienced outdoor
baseball!

So that now, with the $195 dollar home plate seats, and the $33 club seats,
and premium-priced sushi, we can dare to hope that the team now has a chance
of re-signing Ken Griffey Junior, and hiring one good relief pitcher.

Not a lot to ask, right?

But then what do we see? We see that Boston and New York ALSO plan to build
new stadiums. New stadiums that will push the price of decent pitching to
$30 million a year.

Do you realize we spent $517 MILLION dollars on this stadium? We're paying
9.1% on restaurant meals, buying commemorative license plates, buying
commemorative bricks, playing the special scratch games as fast as we can,
everybody walks around with latex under their nails - can't we stop the
insanity?

We're out here with the volcanoes and spotted owls, but we have traffic jams
at 11 p.m. because there's no money to widen the bridges. People don't
want to pay for bridges. Why? Well, have you ever tried to play baseball
on a bridge? You can't.

So we spent half a BILLION dollars on a stadum HOPING we could afford ONE
major league pitcher, and now YOU guys want to up the ante even more.

Can't we seize the moment and disarm? All we want is one pennant. One
stinking pennant! In 22 years we have two lousy division championships.
That's barely worth a T-shirt. If you need a new stadium, come and use
this one! Now this. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

HEALTHCA.CBS 07/16/99 12:
Moved: 7/16/1999 7:33
HEALTHCA.CBS 07/16/99 12:39 AM-DLR

How to stop health reform. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The Republicans have managed to stop the Patient's Bill of Rights, but I'm
afraid they didn't exactly pin the compassion meter in doing it.

Voting for a rule that limits when a woman can have direct access to a
gynecologist? What? The gender gap isn't wide enough for you?

So the HMOs may have won for now, but the Democrats will have plenty of ammo
for the next election, and they will be back with more horror stories.

-- Like the man who tried to get cancer treatment for his wife, but the HMO
refused. Or the heart attack victim whose doctor recommends surgery, but
whose HMO won't pay. Or the 15 year old disabled girl who was cut off from
her doctors because her mother changed health plans.

Do you see a pattern here? In each of these cases, an HMO deliberately
passed up a chance for good publicity, and purposely chose BAD publicity!

The reason stories like this happen is that some bureaucrat comes to work
one day and says - hmmm. 15 year old diasbled girl-- let's make
her life even MORE miserable! Because if we treat THIS sick person,
suddenly millions of people will purposely become disabled
just to get free care!

So here's my suggestion to the HMOs. Here's how you can stop the Patients
Bill of Rights once and for all. The next time a really sick person demands
treatment - treat him! Help him get well! Newspapers DON'T cover stories
about healthy people.

I know this may be a difficult change for you, but .... maybe if you
post the Ten Commandments at the entrance to your corporate offices, you'll
be inspired to do the right thing.

Now this. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
~C:\WORKS\FILES\HEALTHCA.CBS 
Index 

CBS PATIENTS2
Moved: 7/16/1999 7:33
CBS-PATIENTS2 7/15/99

Why all that debate over a bill that the President promises to veto?? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

Now even the head of the American Medical Association is attacking Senate Republicans because of their opposition to the Patient's Bill of Rights.

Doctor Thomas Reardon says doctors and doctors alone should review claims, and accused lawmakers of putting insurance profits over the needs of patients.

And as for all this stuff about employers dropping medical coverage because all the new rules would make it too expensive? A smokescreen, he says.

Dr. Reardon is just the latest person to slam the Republicans for their reluctance to slap new rules on HMOs. But let's be fair here. Are the Republicans REALLY out to screw helpless patients? 

No. Of course not. And are the Democrats REALLY trying to gouge helpless corporations with huge increases in health care costs?

Of course not.

You see, the President says he'll veto the bill -- meaning none of this will become law, so therefore the reason for this whole debate ... is so each side can write its fund raising letters.

And I think they are purposely helping each other do it.

To the lay mind, this may seem like a waste of time. And yet, thanks to this debate, the Democrats can send you a fundraising letter that says -- "would you vote for the Republicans, the party that wants to yank the I-V tubes out of helpless patients?"

And the Republicans can write a fund raising letter that says, "would you vote for the Democrats, the party that STILL has Ted Kennedy in it?"

Each side has something it can use to scare its constituency, the money rolls in, and EVERYBODY wins.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS EBAY FRAUD
Moved: 7/16/1999 7:28
CBS-EBAY FRAUD 7/16/99

Virtual buyer beware. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

What's the first thing that every American school child is taught. Right --buyer beware.

And yet everyday, hundreds of thousands of us sit down to a computer terminal and type in our credit card numbers, or send off a check to some person we never heard of becasue we saw a great deal appear on the screen.

Most of the time it turns out fine. Most people are trustworthy. But that's cold comfort when you run across someone who isn't.

And the latest example is from a familiar source, the eBay online auction site. This is the same site that enabled a teenage boy to bid on hundreds of thousands of dollars' worth of merchandise that he couldn't pay for. Using his parents' account.

Well this time, a California man has pleaded guilty to mail fraud for a number of auctions HE posted on eBay. Robert Guest offered consumer electronics to the highest bidder early last year.
And he managed to cash 37-thousand dollars' worth of bids, before the unhappy bidders realized they were playing consumer Lotto.

And why? Because complete strangers were willing to send him checks and money orders! Just because he posted a listing on a computer screen.

Robert Guest's auction days are over for now; he's going to jail, but who knows if those bidders will ever see their money again.

eBay has since added an escrow service, a third party to ensure that people actually get something for their money.

THIS is why the computer will never completely replace the face to face transaction. The benefit of a face to face transaction you know exactly whom to THROTTLE if you get cheated.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS radio network. 
Index 

CBS SLOW KITCHEN
Moved: 7/15/1999 7:05
CBS-KITCHEN 7/14/99

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. And it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason the news is so baffling is that announcers read too darn fast. 

Dateline Washington -- Critics in Congress are stewing over a top Air Force official's kitchen.

`I don't like it." said Rep. Joel Hefley, chairman of the House Military Construction subcommittee.

The 64-year-old Mediterranean-style home at the Air Force Academy got new kitchen cabinets, appliances and other improvements last year at a cost of $268,000. 

Let's take that REAL SLOW:

"Two hundred sixty eight thousand dollars"

You and I should be able to figure this out. SO brand new cabinets -- what do you figure? About TEN thousand. Then new appliances -- that's another ten. Then the contractor finds out that you have dry rot in the sub floor; then he tells you that the last guy who wired the kitchen did EVERYTHING wrong, and it all has to be rewired, because now your old circuit breakers can't handle the new appliances -- then whoops, we didn't realize that was a LOAD-BEARING wall -- we have to rip everything out, and the plumber can't come for three weeks, so you add that up and by my accounting the average kitchen remodel of this type costs -- $8.3 billion dollars.

What did the Air Force pay? $268 thousand? Most of us couldn't get an icemaker installed for that!

The news always makes more sense when you read it REAL SLOW.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS PATIENTS
Moved: 7/15/1999 7:05
CBS-PATIENTS COMMERCIAL

Just tell the truth. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The Senate took its first votes on the Patient's Bill of Rights -- among other things, defeating a measure that would have forced insurance companies pay for any treatment that a doctor says is medically necessary.

So the way this would work is you would go to the doctor listed in your HMO directory, he would examine you, and then he would say, "I THINK this operation is medically necessary, but I won't know for sure until I call up someone who knows nothing about your case. Be right back."

Hey -- that's cool! Whatever keeps costs down.

Put every surgery to a vote of the stockholders if you want.

It's just that the typical HMO commercial -- what does it show you? Pictures of CARING doctors and nurses. And so you figure -- oh! Caring doctors and nurses will be in charge of my health care.

Just make the ads TRUTHFUL:

(MUSIC)

Illness can strike at any time. And when it does, we put you in the hands of a caring corporate vice president with a BUSINESS degree. 

Who won't go ordering endless tests or recommending some crazy life-saving treatment. 

No, instead, you'll get a stirring motivational lecture from our most recent sales and marketing seminar.

Because when you're sick, the last thing you want is some doctor poking you with needles, and using big scary words. 

That won't happen here. 

We're a health maintenance organization -- which means that as long as you maintain your health, we're here for you. And if you don't -- well now, who's to blame for that?

What better incentive to stay healthy than knowing that if you don't, you're on your own."

Now this.

Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS POST OFFICE
Moved: 7/15/1999 7:05
CBS-POST OFFICE 7/15/99

The death of a cliche. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

This story has gone almost unnoticed, but America is in danger of losing one its most treasured cliches. For as long as I can remember, when somebody wants to make the point that the government shouldn't be running something, they bring up -- what? The Post Office. That was the knock on national health care -- do your REALLY want to give the health care system to the same people who run the POST OFFICE?

Notice the critics never choose the Social Security system, or NASA -- it's always the Post Office, because the post office is supposed to be the symbol of government inefficiency. Indeed it may well be the only thing you can make fun of anymore without risking a lawsuit.

But this may have to change. Because the figures are clear.

Three quarters of the way through its fiscal year -- the US Post Office is in the BLACK. I mean REALLY in the black. It's sitting on ONE BILLION, SIXTY-TWO MILLION dollars.

This is a complete turnaround from last year. But that seems to be the theme lately. No matter how it tries, government agencies cannot seem to lose money. And it has made my job, and the job of every other commentator an unending nightmare.

Once, we could issue impassioned calls for fiscal responsibility. Now, we are reduced to whining about too MUCH fiscal responsibility.

And tragically, the good news doesn't end there. Not only is the post office awash in postage, but its accounting firm found that 94 percent of local mail is delivered on time!.

Not only that -- I went into a post office the other day, and a clerk actually took AWAY the "Next Window Please" sign to wait on me.

Is this some sick JOKE?

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS BRANDI
Moved: 7/15/1999 7:04
CBS-BRANDI 7/15/99

Soccer cynics. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 

Yeah, the vultures are determined to suck the joy out of what seemed to be a spontaneous moment.

American soccer heroine Brandi Chastain is now being taunted. Not only is she being called a stripper for whipping off her jersey, but even worse, she's being accused of planning the whole thing.

Marketing observers say THIS was no spontaneous demonstration of joy, this was an attempt to market intimate
apparel.

Because you see, the bra she revealed after beating China was not just any sports bra. It was a Nike sports bra. A Nike sports bra she helped design. And Nike admits that yes, the footage of her spontaneous demonstration is destined for a Nike commercial.

You know what it is? It's a jock culture that just can't stand womens sports. 

The men whip off their shirts all the time. I understand that in Europe, some of them have beer logos stenciled on their chests. I'd rather see a bra, wouldn't you?

But never mind the obvious double standard -- suppose she DID plan it? Let's even suppose that on that bra there had been a giant Nike logo spanning hill and dale. So what? That's what sports is! You've heard that athletes are getting bigger? They have to. They need the room for the logos.

Let Brandi make her money. Spontaneous or not, womens soccer is still one sport that doesn't demand retractable roofs, where the athletes salaries are not some power of ten above yours, and where the pre-game show is still only 20 minutes. INCLUDING the commercials.

It could be BRA envy.

I think the answer is for more men to wear bras. From what I've seen on the jogging trail, some of them need the support more than Brandi does anyway.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS SAFECO
Moved: 7/13/1999 7:00
CBS-SAFECO 7/7/99

You gotta love this game: This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The jewel of Major League baseball opens Thursday. Seattle's SAFECO Field: 

Wide concourses, bathrooms everywhere, and so many places to eat, it's not so much a stadium as a food festival that happens to have a ball field in the middle.

517 million dollars will buy that for you.

And I realized during the stadium open house last week how appropriate it is that Safeco Field is named for an insurance company. 

30,000 people showed up for that open house. The concourses were jammed. The Seattle Mariners team store hauled in $55,000. There were lines for the hot dogs and the sushi. There were people in the seats enjoying the sunshine --

-- There were people in the seats enjoying the sunshine as they watched the GRASS BEING MOWED.

THAT'S what they were doing.

And then the REAL entertainment began: a Diamondvision replay of Seattle's 1995 playoff win over the Yankees. They ran the scoreboard just as if the game were being played, and people ate and drank and when Edgar Martinez hit the game-winning double, the place erupted in cheers.

So it happened four years ago!

And when it was over, there was more food to buy, and those incredible views of downtown Seattle, the ferries on Puget Sound, and the snow-capped Olympic mountains.

You see? That's the ultimate insurance -- a stadium where there is so much to do and see that live baseball is merely a temporary distraction from the barbecue pit.

Eventually the games can be cut and I don't think anyone will notice. People will come to watch highlight films -- and each other eat.

And actually, if you eliminate the games, you could cut ticket prices so that families could afford to go the ballpark again.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS PATIENTS BILL
Moved: 7/13/1999 6:15
CBS-PATIENTS BILL OF RIGHTS 7/13/99

The Patients Bill of Rights. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The Senate is debating various versions of the Patients Bill of Rights -- the first attempt at federal regulation of the health care industry.

It's very controversial -- because HMOs want to keep insurance affordable, and it's really difficult to DO that when all their customers are SICK people.

But I don't know what all this "Rights" talk is about. Because you patients out there already have plenty of rights. You have more rights than you can possibly use.

Among the rights you ALREADY have:

You have the right to search for an emergency room that will accept you -- and to take as MUCH time as you need.

If your employer forces you to change doctors in the middle of treatment, you have the right to tell your company to go to hell, and pay for the treatment yourself.

Right now, states govern HMOs, and if you don't like the way they do it, you have the absolute right to move to a different state.

You have the right to figure out for yourself whether your doctor gets a financial incentive for cutting treatment costs.

If your doctor recommends a certain treatment, but the insurance company overrules him, you have the right to call as many press conferences as you want during your final few months.

You have the right -- and no one can take it from you -- to go without insurance, a right which 43 million Americans are exercising right now.

And finally, while you do NOT have the right to sue your HMO for damages if they screw up your cancer treatment, you DO still have the right to sue the McDonald's across the street if their coffee is too hot.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS HACKERS
Moved: 7/12/1999 7:08
CBS-HACKERS 7/12/99

The Cult of the Dead Cow. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

They held a big rollout with pounding rock music and a light show.... to unveil, no, not the latest SUV, but the latest computer virus: Back Orifice 2K, a program designed to take control your Windows computer against your will.

Computer hackers have glitzy conventions like everybody else now, and among the exhibitors at the weekend hacker convention in Las Vegas was Cult of the Dead Cow, developer of Back Orifice.

The cult's ``minister of propaganda," code named Deth Veggie says the idea is to force Microsoft to improve security. See? He's doing us all a favor.

Like the burglar who picks locks and sneaks into people's bedrooms to expose the incompetence of the local police.

These hackers are tyrants. Smart tyrants, but tyrants. 

Their power comes from threatening people.

They figure they're heroes because they target big government, and big bad Bill Gates.

But they can't hurt the government. So they take down the White House web site. Who does that hurt? The White House? No. It hurts the school kid trying to look stuff up for a term paper; it hurts the voter trying to read up on an issue; but the only effect on the government is to create more JOBS for security people!

Do these smart hackers really hurt Bill Gates by knocking holes in Microsoft products? Bill Gates will make even more money when he sells new software designed to fix the old software.

The only people they really hurt are the REST of us who now have to buy endless software updates and anti-virus programs.

Maybe these guys AREN'T so smart.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS FORBES
Moved: 7/12/1999 7:08
CBS-FORBES 7/12/99

A campaign about... nothing. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

Republican Presidential Candidate Steve Forbes kicked off his bus caravan in Iowa, accusing his Republican
rivals of standing for nothing.

``The idea that you can go through a campaign and just not say anything is not going to work,'' Forbes said Sunday. ``You need a message to win."

Forbes is taking aim at George W. Bush, who is considered by his rivals to be too vague on the issues. But you see -- just because you're vague doesn't mean you have no message.

In this campaign, having no message IS the message.

THAT is the secret fear of the competition.

Bush's competition has been campaigning on the outdated assumption that the voters want the next president to DO things.

So they go around trying to come up with things to do. Forbes is right now crisscrossing Iowa in a pair of brightly festooned buses with music blaring from speakers on the roof.

Like a telemarketing call you can't hang up on.

The trouble is -- America is in such spectacular economic shape that Forbes and the others find themselves straining to fix something that is basically not broken.

The hot button issues just don't play.

On immigration -- there are so many jobs going begging, companies are looking for ways to increase it, not stop it.

On Social Security -- people want it left alone.

On abortion -- people are sick of hearing the word.

So George Bush has come up with the perfect platform... the "I'm not THEM" platform.

Send me money, and I promise to do the LEAST of anyone running.

People remember George Bush as a decent man who won a war, and then just basically sat there.

And that's sounding pretty good.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network 
Index 

CBS GUNS
Moved: 7/8/1999 7:47
CBS-GUNS 7/8/99

Just another retail transaction. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

In Peoria, Illinois, Donald Fiessinger (FEE'-sin-jer) faces charges of selling firearms without a license. 

He admits selling guns to white supremacist Benjamin Smith, who went on a two-state shooting rampage last weekend.

Admits it. 

An affidavit in the case says Fiessinger read about the shootings and called the police to say he'd sold the guns.

I saw that story and I said to myself -- that was awfully easy. 

Do people usually do that in a case as infamous as this? Call the cops and say "Yeah, I sold the gun."

You'd expect a long frustrating investigation, or at least a fist-pounding interrogation -- but instead, this man actually called up a federal agent after recognizing a description of Smith in a newspaper story, and essentially said -- if you're looking for the guy who sold those guns, you're talking to him. 

He told me he was going to use them for hunting. I had no idea he meant "people."

It sounds to me like this man was genuinely surprised. Genuinely surprised that someone might misuse these weapons.

-- Just as someone who sells a used car CERTAINLY doesn't sell it thinking it will be used to mow down pedestrians.

There must be HUNDREDS of people like Mr. Fiessinger -- selling firearms by day to anyone who walks in, and sleeping soundly by night, blissfully unaware that any of the weapons they sold that day would be used for anything other than a good and noble purpose. 

Telling themselves that in the right hands, a pair of pistols is no more dangerous than a screwdriver. And convinced that the right hand is any hand with money in it.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS TOBACCO
Moved: 7/8/1999 7:47
CBS-TOBACCO 7/8/99

Who wins? This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Big tobacco has lost another one in court -- this time in Miami where a jury found that cigarette manufacturers are indeed liable for making a dangerous, defective product.

Now comes the penalty phase. This is a class action suit with half a million plaintiffs, so the award could hit 200 BILLION dollars.

Let's examine this for a moment.

I know the history of these suits is that the damage awards are usually overturned on appeal, but the attorneys are motivated now -- at these levels, you only have to win once -- so sooner or later one is bound to stick. 

Let's suppose for a moment that this goes all the way: the jury awards the plaintiffs their 200 BILLION, and the award stands.

Where will the 200 billion come from?

Will it come from the executives who tried to suppress the studies on the effects of tobacco? Will it come from the executives who made the decision to market cigarettes to kids? Will it come from the researchers who found ways to manipulate the nicotine to better hook people?

I doubt it.

The tobacco companies make their money selling cigarettes, so they'll do what they did after the big settlement with the states -- they'll raise the price of cigarettes. Which means the money to pay yesterday's smoking victims would have to come from tomorrow's smoking victims.

Sort of a perverted Social Security system.

Maybe that's good. Raising the price of cigarettes certainly does discourage smoking. And just seeing those tobacco company lawyers lose for a change would make anyone feel all warm inside.

But one of these days, people are going to realize that the best protection against the evils of tobacco is not some court order, but an order from the brain to the hand not to reach for the Camel, and if it reaches for the Camel not to light it, and if it lights it, not to stick it in the mouth.

Now this. Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS TAX CUTS
Moved: 7/7/1999 7:21
CBS-TAX CUTS 7/7/99

Let the good times roll. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Texas Congressman Bill Archer -- head of the House Ways and Means Committee -- has proposed another cut in the capital gains tax -- the tax you pay when you sell stock.

Investing, as he points out, is not just the rich man's game any more. The Congressional Research Service estimates that 84 million Americans now invest in stocks.

And Congressman Archer wants them to be able to keep more of their gains. So he would propose a truly generous plan.

Top Capital Gains Tax rates... which are already below the income tax rate, would be cut even more, from 20% down to 15%, effective as of last week, if it passes.

For lower income Americans, the rate would go all the way down to: 7.5 percent, also retroactive to July 1st.

This means more of us could actually afford to sell some of our stock. 

Instead of just being rich on paper, we could ACT rich for a change -- by actually spending the money.

But there is a message in everything the government does, and this is no exception. The message here would be, anybody who just saves his money is an IDIOT.

Once upon a time, putting money in a savings account was the highest form of personal financial security. But the interest you earn on a savings account -- besides being pathetically low, is taxed at the rate of regular income. 

Why save your money and give the government 30-plus percent of the pittance you get in interest, when you can plunk it in the stock market and only hand over 15% of the gain.

The message is clear: only suckers save. The wise man GAMBLES.

Now this. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

RACIST.CBS 07/07/99 12:37
Moved: 7/7/1999 7:21
RACIST.CBS 07/07/99 12:37 AM-DLR

The background check worked, but he got the gun anyway. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Benjamin Smith, the free-lance ethnic cleanser who killed two people and then himself over the weekend - needed to buy a gun first.

But he couldn't. Because the dealer he went to was required to do a background check. And that background check found that Smith's girlfriend had taken out a protective order against him. No sale.

And so the law did its job. It sent him straight to an UN-licensed gun dealer - where he bought his guns, and went off to hunt "mud people."

Mr. Smith just left the gun shop, if he'd simply ordered the wrong sandwich.

Actually, the shop owner was more on the ball than the State Police, which had issued the guy a firearms ID card - thanks to an error in the protection order. The middle initial was incorrect - just the kind of thing that fools a hopelessly literal computer into thinking that Benjamin A. Smith is
different than Benjamin N. Smith.

And what did the cops do when THEY found out he'd tried to guy a gun illegally? Took back his firearms ID card! Oooo!

So, in short, a guy with a court order against him walks into a store, asks for two 9 mm guns, a shotgun, and several boxes of ammo; the POLICE even know about it, and nobody's particularly worried.

You know, if the PRESIDENT had been coming to town, Mr. Smith's little attempted purchase would have made him the guest of honor at a Secret Service convention. But alas, when ordinary people are in the sights, it's "Just another guy with a no contact order who has developed a sudden
interest in shooting sports! Next!"

Now this. This is Dave Ross.

~C:\WORKS\FILES\RACIST.CBS 
Index 

CBS SCRIPTS JUNE
Moved: 7/6/1999 7:35
VIRUS.CBS 06/20/99 9:47 PM-DLR
The Osgood File. Sponsored by ________. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS
Radio Network.
Sick computers force humans to interact. More after this word from
Charlie:
(SPOT)
Companies seem to have recovered from the latest digital neutron bomb ?
Worm-dot-explore-dot-zip. And it turned out to be much more disabling
than we imagined.
The Boeing company was forced to shut down the e-mail system serving
160,000 employees. 
At the New York offices of Ericsson, the Swedish manufacturer of cell
phones, incommunicado employees busied themselves by cleaning their
desks and making coffee.
Employees at Lockheed had to be reminded that even though the e-mail was
out, the other modes of communication still worked.
Some people apparently spent the day staring at their hands to make sure
they still had opposable thumbs.
One employee quoted by the Associated Press said, "We all had to
remember how to pick up a telephone and talk." 
And it was when I saw that quote I realized what we were really seeing
here. It revealed the true significance of e-mail ? and why losing it
has such a paralyzing effect. 
The magic of e-mail is that it allows us to work with people we CAN'T
STAND. E-mail has allowed the creation of entire companies whose
employees never have to meet face to face, and therefore, may never find
out that they hate each others guts.
Back in the pre-e-mail days, the only way to communicate with someone
was to be near them. To sit with them in a meeting for an hour. To
have to make small talk about your kids while you're waiting. To make
coffee just to have something to do with your hands. To eat donuts to
have something to do with your mouth. ? You ever watched another human
being eating a donut?
E-mail screens all that out. E-mail creates the illusion that
everything is neatly ordered. E-mail allows employees to work together
without every forcing them to actually meet.
No wonder that when the e-mail went down last week everybody wondered if
it wouldn't be better for everyone to just go home ? before they were
forced to find out who they were working with.
The Osgood File. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

~C:\WORKS\FILES\VIRUS.CBS

INTERNET.CBS 06/20/99 2:49 PM-DLR
Can the internet escape taxation? This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio
Network.
Sales on the internet continue to grow. The latest research shows
on-line sales rising 300 percent a year and possibly topping $200
billion in 2000.
But there is one big difference between buying over the internet and
buying at the mall. When you buy on the internet, you don't pay sales
tax. State and local governments hate that. Mall merchants hate it
too, because they feel penalized.
So a 19-member commission created by Congress starts meeting today to
figure out ways to tax the internet. The goal is to have something
ready by October of next year, when a federal moratorium on new taxes
for e-commerce expires.
Technically, internet sales are already taxed. If your state has a
sales tax, you're supposed to calculate the amount on your transaction
and send it in yourself. I know ? you've been MEANING to do it, but
it's so easy to forget.
We don't know what the commission will come up with, but we know this. 
Nobody will like it. A lot of us have become addicted to this new idea
that price of the item is the price you pay.
Governments should get smart and just put up their own merchandise web
sites. Instead of imposing new taxes, and making everybody sore, raise
money by selling overpriced merchandise ? like charities do.
Heck ? look at the junk people buy on Ebay. The government needs to
grab a piece of that. NASA can sell deeds to a square foot of the moon.
The could sell you those Air Force One matchbooks. Sell naming rights
to the control surfaces of a B-2. Have your personal greeting stenciled
on a smart bomb.
Now this.
This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

IRSBILL.CBS 06/21/99 7:52 AM-DLR

Compassionate dunning. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
It's been almost a year since Congress passed the IRS overhaul bill, and
we are now seeing the result: the first dunning letters to go out under
the new regime. Letters that begin "According to our records, you owe,
etc. etc."
I've gotten these letters before, but there was something new this year.
In addition to the usual itemized bill explaining in detail why the
government needed another $336.87 from me was another piece of paper ? 
IRS Publication ONE: Your Rights As A Taxpayer.
And, in a box outlined in blue, a Declaration of Taxpayer Rights. The
IRS, it said, promises to be professional and courteous, and I was
advised to tell the employees supervisor if the service is anything
less.
? I could bring a tape recorder to any IRS interview, provided I gave
ten days notice. 
? The IRS would waive penalties if my mistake was the result of bad
advice from an IRS employee.
And the most reassuring line of all ? if we inquire about your return,
or select it for examination, it does not suggest that you are
dishonest!
After reading this document, I just felt all gooey inside. These were
some of the sweetest things ever said to me by a government agency
The IRS has certainly come a long was since the days when it forced
bed-ridden taxpayers to sell the family home.
You might even think that I was tempted to let my notice languish to
test kinder compassionate collection practices of the new IRS. But no,
my check was in the mail in a matter of minutes. Publication One may
have been written in the language of the New IRS, but there was the
definite hint of the OLD IRS between the lines. Now this. This
is Dave Ross.

~C:\WORKS\FILES\IRSBILL.CBS

YUGOSLAV.CBS 06/20/99 11:14 PM-DLR

The Osgood File. Sponsored by ________. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS
Radio Network.

The Yugoslav Army is out, NATO and Russia are friends again, the
Albanians are returning to Kosovo ? so all that remains to be done is
rebuild everything and make everyone like each other. Which will
happen as soon as somebody arrests Slobodan Milosevic. Or will it?

More after this from Charlie:

(SPOT)

Can it be that Slobodan Milosevic will be yet another dictator who loses
a war but outlasts the leaders who defeated him?

Why doesn't somebody arrest him?

Perhaps because his replacement might turn out to be Vojislav Seselj,
(SHE-shel-ye) the head of the Serbian Radical Party, and the second most
powerful man in Belgrade right now.

Notice the party he runs isn't called the Serbian MODERATE party, or the
Serbian "Compassionate Conservatives" Party. It's called the Serbian
Radical party. And among his campaign planks is not only a pledge to
expel Albanians from Kosovo, but to ban Croat children from public
schools, and take back Serb land lost in Bosnia.

He once declared his men would "take out the eyes of Croatians with
rusty spoons." When Western officials accused Serb troops of raping
Kosovo women, Seselj denied it by saying they were too ugly for Serb
men. 

You thought OUR politicians ran negative ads.

And now ? with Milosevic defeated, and 50,000 Serbian refugees streaming
toward Belgrade, and Serbia's medieval heartland in NATO's hands, the 
radicals figure they have all the votes they need.

Seselj wants an election ? the sooner the better, even though regular
elections aren't due until early next year.

According to one dispatch from Yugoslavia, Serbs are even blaming NATO
for the bad weather Belgrade's been having.

So he's pretty sure he'll coast to an easy victory. If he does, he has
threatened to arrest any politician or journalist who supports NATO ?
and will very likely try to get Kosovo back.

Which is the reason principle may have to take a back seat yet again. 
Milosevic may be a war criminal. But at least he's OUR war criminal.

The Osgood File. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
June 21, 1999
~C:\WORKS\FILES\YUGOSLAV.CBS

HILLARY.CBS 06/20/99 11:31 PM-DLR
The Osgood File. Sponsored by ________. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS
Radio Network.
Is she or isn't she. Is the first lady going to become a native New
Yorker or not? We'll try to sort it out after this message from
Charlie:
(SPOT)
US News and World Report says Hillary Rodham Clinton plans to leave the
White House and move to New York in the fall.
The idea would be to prove to the people of New York that she's not a
carpetbagger. To prove that she is not simply using New Yorkers. To
demonstrate that she did not choose New York simply because its Senate
seat is about to be vacated. She would move there to show that
regardless of what the cynics may think, she has a genuine love and
affection for the people of the Empire State.
But the President pooh-poohed such a thing. He says he knows of no
imminent move.
And indeed she is under no obligation to move. The only residency
requirement imposed by the Constitution is that a Senator be an
inhabitant of the state (QUOTE) "when elected". 
So as long as she's within state lines on election day, she's legal.
And really, why should she need to move so early? Even if the first
lady hasn't established PHYSICAL residency in New York she has certainly
established VIRTUAL residency.
For example ? remember the recent visit of the Yankees to the White
House? We now know why they were invited: the President revealed over
the weekend that his wife has been a Yankees fan since, and I quote
"Back in the 70s." So this was not some spur-of-the-moment sports
infatuation. This has roots. She probably knows every pitcher's ERA by
heart.
And as for moving to New York being some RECENT idea ? it turns out the
First Couple started talking about it, again to quote the President, 
"not long after we moved into the White House" because the first lady
has always wanted to live in New York.
In addition, the president said over the weekend if she runs, HE would
like to be able to vote for her.
Now there's an interesting proposition.
Since the residency rules for voters are stricter than the rule for
candidates, that means he'd have to live in New York for at least 30
days before the election, which means, if anything, HE would have to
move out before she does.
The Osgood File. Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
~C:\WORKS\FILES\HILLARY.CBS

TIMECAP.CBS 06/20/99 10:32 PM-DLR
The Osgood File. Sponsored by ________. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS
Radio Network.
With less than 200 days until the end of the millennum the rush is on to
bury our stuff. As a favor to future generations. What a treat THEY
have in store. More after this from Charlie.
(SPOT)
As the millenium approaches, people are stuffing photos, toys and
newspaper clippings into time capsules. So many time capsules that
Future Packaging & Preservation of Covina, California, which sells the
high-end kind that can outlast Armageddon expects sales to reach 50,000
by the end of the year.
The 1939 New York World's Fair started the modern time capsule fad ?
with a torpedo-shaped capsule containing a slide rule, Sears & Roebuck
catalog, alarm clock and Mickey Mouse cup.
The 1964 World's Fair, buried one with a Polaroid camera, plastic heart
valve, freeze-dried food and a Beatles record.
The biggest one of all is at Atlanta's Oglethorpe University ? the
"Crypt of Civilization:" 20 feet long, 10 feet high and 10 feet deep,
and sealed since 1940. It holds Lincoln Logs, dental floss, newsreels
of Adolf Hitler, a toaster, the works of Shakespeare and more than
640,000 pages on microfilm. 
It's not supposed to be opened until 8113.
And now there's a time capsule for every budget ? you can spend
thousands on airtight steel, brass or titanium canisters welded shut in
the factory, and filled with inert gasses to preserve fragile
contents. Or you can get a glorified cookie tin for under a hundred.
You know what you're doing when you seal your stuff in a time capsule? 
You think you're providing insight to some future archaeologist? You're
setting up some future Geraldo Rivera for a live TV special.
Does anybody REALLY think our civilization has ANY chance of vanishing
without a trace? Look at our cities, our landfills, the average
suburban basement, the billions and billions of VHS tapes of every
pre-school ballet recital ever presented! If we REALLY wanted to do a
favor for future civilization we show some mercy ? and allow at least
SOME OF it to decompose.
The Osgood File. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.
~C:\WORKS\FILES\TIMECAP.CBS 
Index 

CBS WANTED
Moved: 7/6/1999 7:31
CBS-WANTED 7/6/99

The crooks among us. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

You're wondering why there are so many criminals on the streets? 

Is it soft judges? Or Criminals with a talent for evasive action? No! The reason is no one's looking for them.

The vigorous search for escaped killer Rafael Ramirez appears to be the exception.

More typical is the case of Charles Jaynes. When he was finally arrested for the 1997 kidnapping and murder of a young boy, they found he was already wanted on 75 outstanding warrants in 18 Massachusetts courts, but no one had been searching for him. Jaynes was living at home and holding down a job as a mechanic when he was finally caught.

An investigation by the San Francisco Chronicle found that there are 223,000 outstanding felony warrants in California alone! 2,690 for homicide! But as for the total number nationwide -- no one knows because not all states take the time to enter their figures into the federal database.

Why scare people?

But that means they're not in the crime computer. So a guy who's wanted for murder -- can go to the next state, get a drivers license, drive to the welfare office, get his check, use it to buy a gun, and the police would never know.

Hey -- it's the land of the free!

And unless the cops catch him running a stop sign, or find a brake light out, he's likely to remain free.

But let's try to be optimistic here: Charles Jaynes, the guy with the 75 outstanding warrants in Massachusetts, WAS, according to the news dispatch, living at home and holding down a job as a mechanic when he was arrested. Maybe he had reformed. Maybe they've ALL reformed!

I bet they're all very careful drivers, too.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS HEAT
Moved: 7/6/1999 7:31
CBS-HEAT 7/6/99

You believe in global warming NOW? This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

There must be a hidden agenda in the coverage of the heat wave in the east. 

It's bad enough that everyone's sweating, and looking for ways to be acceptably naked -- but the weather forecasters don't help.

For example, what is the point of the heat index? Here it's 101 degrees, and you KNOW you feel miserable -- then some weather forecaster comes on and say "and because of the humidity, the heat index is 115!" 

Weather people like to make the numbers look as scary as possible. When it's already 101, they come up with a formula that lets them say it's 115 -- just like in the winter when it's MINUS 10 degrees they come up with a wind chill factor that lets them say it's MINUS 30.

So then -- after they've told you its 14 degrees hotter than it is, what do you see next? Someone from the power company comes on and points out that you should NOT be using your air conditioner!

Silly you! That you even considered using the air conditioner on a day THIS hot! What you're supposed to do is turn it off, and wait for a COOL day. THEN crank it up.

You better learn -- or the next step will be an H-chip to turn it off for you.

But my favorite piece of advice comes from the emergency preparedness office. The expert from the emergency preparedness office will come on and say, "If you don't have to go anywhere, DON'T."

You would think the idea of emergency preparedness would be to PREPARE for emergencies, right? Perhaps make sure there is enough power standing by so you CAN use the air conditioner.

Ah, but who's got the time to worry about that now? It's too hot and the power's out.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS AIR ACADEMY
Moved: 7/6/1999 4:38
CBS-BUNNIES 7/5/99

Operation Lupine Lunch. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The Air Force Academy says its cadets will go on killing rabbits during combat survival training.

No matter how brutal People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals thinks it is. The group had protested the practice of cadets bludgeoning rabbits for food.

But the Air Force points out that a pilot who goes down in the dead of winter might not be able to find any food except game.

SO as part of standard Air Force training -- 150 rabbits are released, and 400 cadets spend 11 days trying to survive on them.

They're also taught to identify edible plants. Just because you're trying to elude enemy commandoes who are trying to surround you and kill you doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your dietary principles.

But part of the course involves hunting down bunnies and killing them with rocks. They don't mention this in the TV ads, do they. It's just AIM HIGH, Join the Air Force. "Kill Bunnies with Rocks" -- that didn't make the ad.

Anyway the pro-rabbit group is not against survival training... they just feel it's unfair to use domesticated rabbits. And In a way, I guess it is. Here you have a bunny, hopping up for a soldier in a US uniform, and he's thinking -- hallelujah, the bunny patch is finally liberated! Let the nation building begin! AND then KABONG! 

How many times if a pilot going to end up in a nation full of domesticated bunnies.

You know the problem here. It's that they're BUNNIES. Never train the troops to kill an animal that has had a starring role in a movie, or is the main character for a high-profile holiday.

Hey -- Bald Eagles are off the endangered list.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

RIGHTS.CBS 07/04/99 12:11
Moved: 7/6/1999 4:38
RIGHTS.CBS 07/04/99 12:11 PM-DLR

The right to have rights. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

A survey sponsored by the First Amendment Center at Vanderbilt University found that a majority of the people questioned -- 53% -- believe the press has too much freedom. Up 15% since 1997. 

Overall, the poll shows that most Americans say they cherish freedom of speech, more than freedom of religion, EVEN more than the right to have a gun. But still, they are not entirely comfortable with the things the amendment permits, such as flag burning, internet sleaze, public display of offensive art and protests by white supremacists. And asked whether newspapers should be able to publish freely without
government approval of a story -- 35 percent said NO. 
That means 35% think, I suppose, that if a President doesn't like the way CNN is covering a press conference he can just nod at the secret service and three big guys will escort Wolf Blitzer to his car.

Americans also said the news media should not be allowed to endorse or criticize political candidates, use hidden cameras for newsgathering or publish government secrets.

Of COURSE people don?t trust the bill of rights. 
I know exactly what those polls are talking about.
I have absolutely NO problem with freedom of speech.
No, the problem is giving those rights to OTHER people.
People want term limits for congress, but not for their congressman. 
They know children who are being raised badly but never THEIR children,
always other peoples.
That?s what?s so screwed up abot this country. We let EVERYBODY run
wild and free.
There should be an audition process. AT least a psychological exam. 
Maybe even a few multiple choice questions ? such as if you were stuck
behidn a slow moving car whose turn signal has been oen for the past
twenty miles, would you a) contineu top drive patiently listening to
oldies on the radio. B) carefully attempt to pass Ç0 ride his bumper
while fumbling for your handgun. (BUZZ)
You answer ?C? NO BILL OF RIGHTS FOR YOU.
Congress easily passed that amendment to post the ten commandments ? I
wonder if they would have been able to approve posting the bill of
rights?
Freedom can be fleeting, like a kiss, or like a ranbow
And by the time you miss it, you may not be free to say so.
Now this. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
~C:\WORKS\FILES\RIGHTS.CBS 
Index 

EXTRA.CBS 6/29/99 9:30
Moved: 7/2/1999 7:45
EXTRA.CBS 6/29/99 9:30 PM-DLR

All that extra money. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The surplus may be higher, the surplus may be lower, but every one agrees it's there. And it's tying Congress in knots. 

"What do we do with all this extra money? Do we spend it, do we give it back to the taxpayers?"

Well speaking as a taxpayer, SURE we'd like some back.

And it doesn't have to be complicated, by the way.

Let's say we run a surplus of 52 billion a year -- which is on the conservative side.

I looked it up -- that amount of money would be enough to refund every penny of income tax paid by Americans making under 30,000 a year. Why don't you just take every American making less than 30,000 off the tax rolls?

Republicans could take credit for a tax cut, Democrats could take credit for helping the people who haven't shared in the economic boom, and EVERYONE will win the next election.

But I also looked something else up. Did you know that as of Tuesday -- last TUESDAY-- the National Debt still stood at 5 trillion 602 billion 716 million dollars? All this talk about "extra money" -- that's like saying some deadbeat with a maxed out credit card who finally gets a job ... now has extra money!

A couple of projections of surpluses and it's like the 20 years of deficits didn't happen! Well, they DID happen, and they add up to 5.6 trillion dollars.

There IS no extra money! There's only less of a debt. 

-- Unless ... Congress starts spending the extra money it doesn't have, in which case there will be MORE of a debt!

Now this. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.
~C:\WORKS\FILES\TAXPLANS.CBS 
Index 

CBS CUBA FLIGHTS
Moved: 7/1/1999 7:45
CBS-CUBA FLIGHTS 7/1/99

Changing places. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network

The Senate this week rejected, 55-43, a measure that would have made it EASIER for Americans to travel to Cuba. 

Sponsors of the measure pointed out that 38 years of sanctions haven't done much to change the Communist regime there, so why continue?

But it was defeated anyway.

Now this is ridiculous. Just the other day, the Coast Guard tried to SINK a boatload of Cubans trying to get INTO Miami. Shot fire hoses at them. Made them jump overboard and swim for it.

Graduates of the Milosevic school of media relations.

Well if this country is so packed to capacity that we have to use fire hoses to keep six Cubans from getting in, why don't we free up some space by making it easier for Americans 
to get out?

We all know this country has its share of malcontents -- there's probably one riding your bumper right now! Plus you have people who hate capitalism, survivalists who think the country is going to degenerate into chaos, people who hate the idea of free speech, who want movies censored -- maybe they'd be happier in a Communist paradise! But our government won't let them fly there.

Well, instead of making travel to Cuba difficult, we should make it easy

There should be non stop one way flights from every American airport -- with DOUBLE MILES, for people who hate this system.

You think you live in a country where all the politicians are corrupt, where there are jackbooted thugs on every corner ready to take your gun? Fine. We have a flight leaving -- you're in luck! -- in five minutes.

Then there would be room for the people who risk their lives to get here.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

TAXPLANS.CBS 06/29/99 9:3
Moved: 7/1/1999 7:13
TAXPLANS.CBS 06/29/99 9:38 PM-DLR

Which side are we on? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

The President has proposed a new entitlement. Extending medicare to cover prescription drugs.

Republicans are opposing it, as you'd expect, but look at the line they're using -- that it isn't fair because it would pay for the drugs of well-off seniors. And they're right. It WOULD pay for well-off seniors, as well as poor seniors. Here you have a democratic president proposing a plan that would help the rich, and Republicans saying they shouldn't.

You just can't figure out who's on what team anymore.

But the politicians aren't the only ones who are confused. So are the Doctors. You remember doctors helped to kill off health care reform in 1993, because they didn't want to be bullied by the government? SO now they find themselves in HMOs, PPOs, EIEIOs, and they're so sick of it they're going to form a DOCTORS Union!

Apparently the only thing worse than nationalized medicine -- is un-nationalized medicine.

You can't figure out who's on what team anymore.

And as for the voters? They too were against national health care. But it looks like everyone LOVES the idea of the government covering prescription drugs.

I have a theory about that. The high school reunion season is underway, and a lot of us in the baby boom are going to our 30th or 35th -- and we look around at the people we knew as kids, and we say to ourselves -- yikes! They're OLD. And if THEY look old, what do I look like?

And we figure -- maybe a little additional security from the government isn't such a bad thing after all.

Now this. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 POWERBALL
Moved: 6/30/1999 7:54
CBS2-POWERBALL 6/30/99

$145 million dollars! This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

(MUSIC) Never mind gambling on social security. It's time once again to hop in the car and drive to the nearest Powerball state:

(SONG) 
Index 

CBS PAY PER VIEW SLOW
Moved: 6/30/1999 7:54
CBS-PAY-PER-VIEW-SLOW 6/30/99

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. And it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason the news is so baffling is that announcers read too darn fast.

DATELINE, OGDEN, UTAH: No criminal charges will be filed against state agents who watched three pay-per-view pornography programs after a drug bust at the home Jim and Anthony Passarelli. The agents came under suspicion because three pay-per-view movies were charged to the defendants' account after they were arrested.

But the county attorney says the state drug agents had no intention of stealing the films. Said the attorney, the three agents simply sat down to watch TV after the bust, and in the course of flipping through channels, the agents STUMBLED ACROSS three pay-per-view porn shows.

Let's take that REAL SLOW:

"The agents STUMBLED ACROSS three pay-per-view porn shows."

I suppose I can understand flipping the TV on after the drug bust just to wind down.

I could even understand "stumbling" across ONE pay-per-view show. But how do you "stumble" across THREE pay per view shows? This completely re-defines clumsiness.

AN involuntary TWITCHING of the remote control finger might explain it... that happens to a lot of us.

You know, come to think of it, this could explain a lot. This could explain why Americans sit down to watch four hours of crummy TV every night, then complain that there's too much crummy TV.

They've been stumbling across it!

You see? 
Index 

CBS2 VALEDICTORIAN
Moved: 6/29/1999 7:15
CBS-VALEDICTORIAN 6/29/99

Speaking out. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The graduation season is finally over -- and for South Colonie High School in Colonie New York, it is the end of an era.

This was the last year South Colonie High would have only ONE valedictorian. 

Next year, South Colonie will honor not just the ONE student with the highest grade, but ALL those whose grades averaged higher than 95 percent.

What else can schools do? Grade competition is so stiff high school transcripts now have GPAs out to three decimal places. Schools have to calculate grades with a stopwatch.

Students who don't get picked, perhaps because they took toughter courses, feel betrayed; their parents may SUE -- so now schools have ten valedictorians. Some have 20.

And that's GREAT! Everyone should be somebody -- even if it means no one's anybody.

But: do they all have to SPEAK?

It would be fine having ten valedictorians if all they did was sit there and look smart, but no, they all get to talk, and we must face reality here: just because you got good grades doesn't mean you can give a good speech.

Ten valedictorians means TEN speeches. It's like waiting for the tenor to die.

I went to a commencement this year where they had the right idea -- they had multiple valedictorians but they also had a fellow billed as the class speaker. And he had the one talent a graduation ceremony calls for -- the ability to give a good entertaining speech, with a beginning, middle, and end lasting -- no more than ten minutes.

When a speaker can do that, who CARES what his grades are?

Now this. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 SUBMARINES
Moved: 6/29/1999 5:24
CBS-SUBMARINES 6/29/99

We all live in a mellow submarine. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

The Navy has about 50,000 women in the ranks. 6800 serve on surface combat ships. And now, despite protests that the cramped quarters and loneliness are a recipe for trouble, the Navy will assign 144 female ROTA midshipmen ... to five submarines.

This is not unique. Norway, Australia, and Canada do it. And some women think it will bring a lot to the Navy. But others think the only think it will bring to the Navy is more pregnant midshipmen.

A Navy study finds that among women serving on combat ships, the medical dropout rate is twice that for men, with pregnancy the reason in about the a third of the cases.

But the Navy will press ahead nonetheless, assigning the women to 48 hour shifts aboard the subs to see how they take it.

Thrusting men and women together in a submarine DOES seem like its asking for trouble -- but there are women who want to serve, military recruiting is down, not all jobs require upper body strength, and in some environments, women may actually be better suited to the pressure than men.

And beyond all that, there's another excellent reason.

Why do we have submarines? To survive in time of war, right? When the big one breaks out, and they launch the missiles, and the landscape is reduced to a glowing wasteland -- WHICH combatants are most likely to survive? That's right -- the submariners. They will remain untouched.

Well, if the only people aboard are men, the human race is finished. But with a few women, we can start chapter two.

Indeed having women on submarines-- far from harming readiness -- may represent the ULTIMATE readiness.

Now this.

Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

KIDSTV.CBS 06/27/99 10:41
Moved: 6/29/1999 5:24
KIDSTV.CBS 06/27/99 10:41 PM-DLR

So much TV, so little education. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio
Network.

Could it be that when children watch TV that?s good for them, they get
about as much useful information as TV that?s NOT good for then? It?s
too horrible to contemplate ? but the latest research on children?s TV
says just that.

The Annenberg Public Policy Center of the University of Pennsylvania,
which has tracked the quality of children's television since 1996, says
that while there are 12 percent more shows for children now than there
were then, their educational value is ... questionable. 

Ever since the FCC promised speedier license renewal for stations that
aired at least hours a week of healthy TV for children, stations have
discovered hidden education content in shows like ``Duck Tales'' and
``Hercules'' and NBA Inside Stuff.? ?NBA Inside Stuff!? ? THAT?LL get
little Jason into Harvard! Take care he doesn?t learn TOO much start
building anti-gravity devices in the garage!

Education ? isn?t that what SCHOOLS were for? Of course THEY now have
TV in every room too. The only difference being the TEACHER gets to
control it.

There are lots of statistics in the report ? but I?ll just give you the
important one: Parents report their children spend, on average, 3.25
hours per day watching TV or videos and 48.2 percent of the
children have television sets in their bedrooms. 

IN THEIR BEDROOMS. So the parents of almost half the kids in America
let them keep a TV in their BEDROOMS ? and these media experts think
that the PROGRAMMING is the problem? I THINK they?ve been watching a
LIITLE too much TV themselves! Now this. This is Dave Ross on the
CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS LAST GAME
Moved: 6/29/1999 5:24
CBS-LAST GAME 6/2/8/99

I was there. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

I saw the final baseball game at Seattle's doomed Kingdome last night.

It will be blown up in March, and next month, the Mariners move across the street to Safeco field, which at $517 million dollars is America's most expensive baseball stadium.

Last night, a packed house not only said goodbye to the Kingdome, but also to the idea that a municipal sports facility could -- or even SHOULD pay for itself.

Not only is the new ballpark heavily subsidized, but just last week, the Mariners reneged on a promise to pay all cost overruns. They actually plan to sue the taxpayers for more money.

But they know the sports fans better than the sports fans, They know that the outrage will dissipate.

They know that wide aisles and seat cushions will be remembered long after price is forgotten.

And public officials know it too -- they know that the e-mail and the phone calls may be dripping with outrage now, but if there's even the hint of a pennant race, why what seems like an outrageous demand now will be accepted as if it were merely a school levy.

Why not long ago the idea of blowing up a domed stadium barely 20 years old seemed outrageous? And now everybody in Seattle's scoping out the best place to be watching when it happens.

I will even admit to you that last night as the Ross family tried to make its way to section 319, through a concrete corridor flanked by the beer concession, the taco concession, and the womens' restroom, as we found ourselves becoming unnecessarily intimate with dozens of baseball fans we hardly knew, a thought entered my head. A thought that said -- you know? BLOW THIS PLACE UP!

Now this.

Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS LANGUAGE 06/15/99 5:3
Moved: 6/18/1999 11:08
CBS-LANGUAGE 06/15/99 5:37 PM-DLR

Obscenities that are not obscene. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Now that Timothy Boomer has been convicted in Michigan of using foul language in the presence of children, more such prosecutions are bound to follow. It gets a little scary. A lot of otherwise decent people can easily succumb to obscenity in extreme situations, as in falling out of a canoe, rear-ending a luxury sedan, or rolling over the electric mower cord.... to think the police will now ENFORCE laws like this -- it's as if they'd suddenly decided to take the speed limit signs literally. The courts could be clogged with soccer parents.

[Puts a whole new spin on films we once thought were innocent -- like the SHAGGY DOG]

And yet as human beings we all know the feeling of a frustration so
intense, so overwhelming that the only relief is in the loud and
repeated elocution of the most loathsome word that one is able to bring to mind on short notice.

It's the brain's way of pressing reset.

Well, if this is now to be made illegal, there is only one thing to do.

Use the foul language of OTHER countries.

I have the perfect candidate. Shagged. It turns out that the word
"Shagged" as in "The Spy Who Shagged Me," number one movie in America this week, is a dirty word ... not here, but in Britain. Over there, it means basically the same thing as the word that got Timothy Boomer in trouble.

Over here, it is considered derogatory only toward carpeting.

The next time you fall out of your canoe, just say, Oh, Shag! Shag Shag Shag. 

The entire Michigan Chapter of the Fraternal Order of Police could be videotaping you and it wouldn't matter. And yet you have the
satisfaction of knowing that you are, in another linguistic dimension, being every bit as coarse and offensive as the situation requires.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

~C:\WORKS\FILES\LANGUAGE.CBS 
Index 

CBS1 TENCOMMAND
Moved: 6/18/1999 11:08
CBS1-TEN COMMANDMENTS 6/18/99

The ten commandments make a comeback. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The house has passed an amendment to the juvenile crime bill that does not REQUIRE schools to post the ten commandments, but would allow states to give the schools the OPTION.

Alabama Congressman Robert Alderholt says the ten commandments represent the very cornerstone this nation was built upon -- after all, who can argue with do not kill or steal, obey your parents, do not commit adultery.

Well, posting the ten commandments is probably harmless enough. But I have a feeling the Bible lobby doesn't want to stop there. Because if a simple sign worked you could just post a sign that says "Don't bring a gun to school, it could hurt someone." 

I think the idea is to promote biblical morality in public schools. And that could get tricky. Especially with the more well-read kids. 

Hand goes up in the back. "Teacher, it says 'thou shalt not kill,' right?" "Yes it does." "But those religious people who burned witches -- was that right or wrong?" "That was wrong." "But teacher, doesn't the Bible also say 'You shall not let a sorceress live?'" "Yes, it does -- but the school board frowns on that kind of thing -- any other questions -- maybe about another commandment?" 

But the same hand goes up again.

"But teacher, didn't Moses order the Levites to take their swords, and slaughter anybody who had worshipped the Golden Calf, even friends and neighbors, and didn't God bless them for doing that?"

"Well, yes it does say that."

"Does that mean ethnic cleansing is OK?"

"No!"

"Does that mean I could bring a sword to school?"

"No!"

I hope the Bible lobby knows what it's doing.

Now this.

Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 VIOLENCE DAN
Moved: 6/18/1999 8:34
CBS-VIOLENCE-DAN 6/18/99

Out of the mouths of teens. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

This nation has always worried about violent people going off -- but now there is one group we are especially worried about -- TEENS. 

Anything and maybe everything a teenager says could be seen by someone else as a sign he or SHE is about to go off.

Nicole Scuderi learned that lesson last week when the yearbook for LaGuardia High School came out. Like most high school yearbooks, it featured statements from each senior.

Beneath Nicole's it reads:

The very first essential for success is a perpetually constant and regular employment of violence.

It's a quote from Adolf Hitler's book Mein Kampf.

And it didn't go over too well with a lot of parents who looked through their kids' yearbooks.

A letter to the school principal said hate statements like the one Nicole chose lead to school shootings. 

Nicole says she used the quote as an antithesis of everything she was -- and her principal defends her as an honor student who is incapable of violence.

Once upon a time we might have dismissed this as just another high school student making a little noise before heading out into the world.

Except we can't do that.

We've taken that option away.

In all this talk since the Littleton shootings the luxury of taking adolescence with a grain of salt has been lost.

Since we're told every crime is preceded by a warning, we now look for warning everywhere -- in the movies they watch, the video games they play, the quotes they choose.

There's only one safe way to approach year book quotes.

If you say what's really on your mind they'll put you in a noose --
So play it safe a few more years and quote from Dr. Seuss.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 DeLAY
Moved: 6/17/1999 7:32
CBS2-DeLAY 6/17/99

Teach your children well. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

All Washington is abuzz over the speech on the House Floor by Rep. Tom DeLay, House Majority Whip, who looked at American culture, and pronounced it guilty.

"We have sterilized and contracepted our families down to sizes so small that the children we do have are so spoiled with material things that they come to equate the receiving of the material with love," he proclaimed.

"We place our children in day care centers where they learn their socialization skills among their peers under the law of the jungle," Wow. Sounds awful.

No wonder chimps are adopting their OWN cultures -- they KNOW they can do better.

He wants the ten commandments posted in schools.

Well, no harm that. Maybe a kid thinking of shooting up his school will see "Thou Shalt Not Kill" and say, "Yikes! I didn't know that! I thought it was OK! I'll get counseling right now!"

The thing I don't understand is ... how is it that young people wouldn't know the ten commandments already?

What have the churches been doing? 

There are churches in every neighborhood in America. Young people have always been free to walk in and learn the ten commandments.

They are free to walk into a church and hear fiery preachers like Tom DeLay pound the pulpit and talk about the law of the jungle. Free to hear about the consequences of the evolution curriculum. Free to hear about how their parents are spoiling them by giving them too much. Free to hear themselves scolded as out of control video-game-addled products of America's culture of death!

I can't imagine why they wouldn't be spending more time there!

Now this.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 CHIMPS
Moved: 6/17/1999 7:32
CBS1-CHIMPS-CULTURE 6/17/99

Culture in the jungle. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

According to new research being published today in the journal Nature, chimpanzees, closest genetic relative to the human race, exhibit a characteristic we didn't think they had: CULTURAL DIFFERENCES.

CULTURE is the behavior we learn after we're born; habits which are programmed not by heredity, but by society; the rules that are passed by parent to child not out of evolutionary necessity, but out of tradition. Culture is what determines whether we eat with forks or chopsticks, whether we raise our own food, or buy it shrink-wrapped in a grocery store.

The researchers claim to have found some of these same cultural differences in chimpanzees. For example, they found that some chimps, use stones to crack nuts, others do not -- even though there are plenty of stones around.

Some chimps, when dining on ants, carefully pluck them off a stick one at a time -- while others treat the stick like a living shish kebab and put the whole thing in their mouths.

But can this REALLY be defined as a cultural difference, or was it maybe a group of chimps who saw their chance to gross out some grad students?

I don't think you can really conclude chimps have cultural differences until they start fighting over them.

Once the ant pluckers start publishing op-ed pieces against the ant-slurpers, pointing out that ant slurping is the reason SAT scores have been dropping -- THEN we can say they have culture. When a chimp from the stone-users culture sends out a fund-raising letter warning that the non-stone users want to ban all stones, so that before long, no law abiding chimp will be able to crack nuts -- THEN we can say that they have something in common with humans.

Now this. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 MOVIES 6/16/99
Moved: 6/16/1999 7:37
CBS2-MOVIES 06/16/99 5:54 PM-DLR

Unlocked and very loaded. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

Today's New York Times editorial page rips the republicans for proposing laws to crack down on media violence. But let's be honest.

We have allowed violent media to saturate this country, and Henry Hyde is only trying to protect us.

What does his bill do? -- it would stop minors from buying or looking at violence -- in the form of films, books, pictures, video games, and ... sculpture. (SCOLDING) You have no idea how many kids lurk around museums getting ideas from violent sculpture.

I know the Times thinks its wildly unconstitutional, but the Times has always been soft on sculpture. This is actually pretty moderate. Indeed, one could argue Mr Hyde's bill doesn't DO NEARLY enough. It goes after martial arts FILMS, but doesn't touch martial arts CLASSES. Drive by the strip mall, what do you see? Nine-year-olds learning Karate and Tae Kwan Do. And doing what? Attacking other nine year olds. Is THAT healthy?

And the bill doesn't even TOUCH VCRs -- which are still regularly sold without button locks, are accessible to children, and many times are left unattended with the TAPE LOADED.

How many suburban homes right now have LOADED VCRs within easy reach of children? With dozens, maybe even HUNDREDS of additional tapes right there in the same room? 

But the VCR industry -- they're powerful.

They have the lobbyists. They don't care. And you watch -- it'll happen -- some kid is gonna sneak a loaded VCR into a school and play Lethal Weapon Four and then you'll wish you'd done something.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 BUSH
Moved: 6/16/1999 7:37
CBS2-BUSH 6/16/99

The scandal that dare not speak its name. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

If you ask George W. Bush about his youthful indiscretions, he will not answer. Part of his talent is that he's been able to turn even his non-answer into a moral lesson. He says he will not answer because what he did as a youth is irrelevant, and whatever he did, the fact that he's not doing it now is proof that people can change their lives.

But the scandal mongers have been asking the wrong question. They've been asking George whether he's ever ingested legal substances. What they SHOULD be asking him is whether he ingested legal subsidies.

Because to that he would have to answer "yes." As a businessman, George W. Bush invested $605,000 in the Texas Rangers in 1989. He then pushed for a half-cent sales tax increase to pay for a new stadium. The team got the City of Arlington to condemn the land for the stadium, buying it for a fraction of its real value. And Bush's personal take when he sold his share in 1998? About $14 million. A team with a new tax-subsidized stadium is very valuable.

So if reporters are sick of "compassionate conservatism," if they're looking for that killer question to ask George W. Bush, never mind whether he "ingested illegal substances," ask whether he ingested LEGAL SUBSIDIES.

Never mind whether abortion is wrong, ask whether taxing people to pay for a profit-making baseball park is wrong.

Ask whether teams that want new stadiums -- I don't know if the FCC even allows this to be said -- should have to GET A BANK LOAN LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE!

Oh, you're right! I'm sorry! There I go again! Totally lacking in compassion for the American League.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 VIOLENCE
Moved: 6/15/1999 7:38
CBS2-VIOLENCE 6/15/99

The hysteria recedes. A little. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

The post Columbine hysteria seems to be receding a little.

The Ohio third-grader who was suspended for writing a fortune-cookie message that said ``You will die with honor'' -- will have his two day suspension expunged from his record. His mom says quote came from a video game, and wasn't intended as a threat.

And good news for Christopher Bullock: he was kicked out after writing an essay for an achievement test -- and essay in which his main character, a student, detonates a personal nuclear device strapped to his chest.

But the school board voted 7-3 to let him back in, with a majority of the members satisfied that he was merely mimicking a Stephen King novel, and intended to do no such thing himself.

I think it's a wise decision. You can get a lot of stuff at gun swaps but personal nuclear devices are not among them.

This is not a slap at personal nuclear devices, mind you. In the right hands -- a personal nuclear device can no doubt be used responsibly -- but it's tough to find one, EVEN in the suburbs, so the school probably WAS overreacting.

However, there is still SOME post Columbine fallout. The Detroit Free Press reports that some summer camps are now advising young campers NOT to bring their Swiss Army knives.

For safety's sake.

Now THIS is getting a little crazy. 

One of the reasons you HAVE camp is to go out into the woods and hack a little vegetation. Otherwise, the kids might as camp at the MALL.

How can you camp without a Swiss Army knife? How can you build a lean-to? Make a flush toilet from saplings?

You gonna confiscate their shoelaces too?

Well then, what about roasted marshmallows? When THEY get burning they're like NAPALM.

Now this.

Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 NETHERCUTT
Moved: 6/15/1999 7:38
CBS-NETHERCUTT 6/14/99

News Read Real Slow:

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

(SPOKANE) In 1994, George Nethercutt of Washington instantly became the country's most famous freshman congressman when he beat the then-speaker of the House, Tom Foley.

But now, 18 months from the expiration of those six years, he has made it official. Promising to leave after six years was a bad idea, and he will indeed run again in 2000.

"The only people who don't change their minds are in cemeteries and asylums" he said.

And to prove he was neither dead nor insane, he offered reasons for his revised thinking. Including -- he doesn't want to leave now because: "We are closing in on a cure for diabetes, and are making exciting progress on cancer."

REAL SLOW:

"We are closing in on a cure for diabetes, and are making exciting progress on cancer."

See, apparently, when he first ran for office, he was thinking six years would be PLENTY of time to cure cancer and diabetes. 

What he meant to say was that I will serve in office, ONLY until cancer and diabetes are cured, and not a moment longer!

I think Strom Thurmond beat him to that promise.

Now this. 
Index 

CBS2 CUSSIN' DAN
Moved: 6/11/1999 7:22
CBS2-CUSSIN-DAN 6/11/99

Four-letter crimes. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Fascinating testimony in the case of Timothy Boomer. Boomer is our current martyr for free speech -- on trial in Standish, Michigan because he cursed as he fell out of canoe on the Rifle River.

A lot of people curse when they fall out of canoes. Boomer's bad luck was to do it in the presence of Michael Smith, his wife, his two young children, and a a passing sheriff's deputy who wrote him a citation under a century-old law that prohibits vulgar language in the presence of women and children.

The ACLU decided that law has to go, and so they've taken up Boomer's case.

The strange thing is, Boomer is now the only one OBEYING the law.

When asked to tell the court what he said that day on the river, he refused.

However, when Michael Smith, the offended party, was asked to tell the jury what he heard Boomer say, he yelled it right out.

Even though four women sat on the jury and more were in the gallery.

Yes, I know the judge had ruled in February that this law IS unconstitutional regarding women. But you see the problem with such laws? When you're trying a bandit for a liquor store holdup, you don't have the defendant go out and rip off the liquor store again. When a guy's on trial for a bar fight, you don't make him break the victim's nose a second time. But when you're trying a guy for yelling the F-word, even the WITNESSES become criminals!

And then you send him to jail -- and what happens there? He just learns MORE dirty words.

Remember the flap several months back about the word NIGGARDLY? Once people realized it didn't mean what it sounded like it meant, the whole thing went away. It's time to re-define the F-word as something clean. It could just be re-defined by law to mean, "Golly what a lovely tattoo."

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 AIRLINES DAN
Moved: 6/11/1999 7:22
CBS1-AIRLINES-DAN 6/11/99

Tarmac refugees. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The airlines have been under pressure to shape up -- ever since that incident in Detroit where passengers sat eight hours on a snowbound airplane with no food, no water and clogged toilets.

So Thursday, the Air Transportation Association planned to unveil their Airline Customer Service Commitment.

But just as reporters were picking up the press packets, the ATA canceled the press conference and tried to take the packets back. It was like the seat belt sign had just gone on. "Lock your tray tables, put your seat backs up, and give your packets back." Apparently it was only a DRAFT proposal, not quite ready.

But the AP reporter smuggled one out, so we know what was in it.

And among the dramatic new promises: 

To provide food, water, restrooms and medical treatment during long delays on board the aircraft.

Food, water AND restrooms? Even in COACH?

How can we adequately express our gratitude? Here are two calls I got from people who've been trapped on the Tarmac:

(CART 5414)

Guess which one WASN'T in first class?

There's your solution. If you're stuck more than an hour -- EVERYBODY's upgraded.

And at the very LEAST read us our rights up front;

(CUPPED HANDS)

"Welcome to Tarmac Airlines. You have the right to remain silent, and belted in your seat. If you cannot afford an alcoholic beverage, a beverage will be provided to you, but only in first class. In coach, there would be no point, because then you'd only have to go to the bathroom, which isn't working.

Now this."

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 SAT REICH
Moved: 6/11/1999 7:21
CBS2-SAT-REICH 6/9/99

Credit roulette. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

Personal bankruptcies are pinning the meter -- close to 1.4 million of them last year. And banks want help. They want Congress to make it tougher for dead beats to get bankruptcy protection.

Robert Reich, the former secretary of labor, isn't so sure they deserve it. He did some research and found out that Credit Card companies sent out 4 billion solicitations last year, the equivalent of 16 to every man woman and child. Though, that's an average. I think that I personally have received many of yours.

So under pressure from the banks, Congress is poised to change bankruptcy law so that your duty to repay the credit card company would have the same priority as child support payments. Reich makes a modest suggestion, that at least the banks tell you how long it will take you to repay your debt if you pay the minimum listed on the bill. The idea there is that you will be SHOCKED into fiscal conservatism when you realize that you will still be paying well into Hillary's second term. 

Perhaps. But here's MY IDEA: If a BANK sends you more than three pieces of junk mail, or calls you more than three times, and you finally take their stupid card, and then you get in over your head, their recourse is to cancel your card -- period. If they tried to take it to court the judge would just laugh at them.

Now, if YOU come to the bank and ask for a card, and THEN don't pay, then the bank gets to strip you naked. But these solicitations -- and I now get three a week -- are essentially BANK ROULETTE. They're gambling. If YOU gamble, and lose, you can't go to court! And if it ends up costing the banks more money -- they could cut cuts by -- let's see -- buying less postage??

Now this. 
Index 

CBS1 SAT RUSSIANS
Moved: 6/11/1999 7:21
CBS-RUSSIANS 6/11/99

It's a peacemaker STAMPEDE! This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

A sudden stampede of do-gooders! The Russian peacekeepers apparently wanted to move right into Kosovo, ahead of NATO!

Shades of 1945, when the Russians beat the Allies to Berlin and divided up Germany, starting the Cold War.

Could it happen again in Kosovo?

No, no, just another misunderstanding.

But it's clear the Russians are eager to be peacemakers. And so are the Chinese! Did you hear that the CHINESE GOVERNMENT is also claiming credit as a peacemaker? What a difference ten years makes, eh? -- Ten years ago, mowing down its own people in Tienanmen square, and now, bristling with olive branches.

We should give them BOTH a chance. If Russia and China fancy themselves peacemakers, if they indeed were the ones responsible from Milosevic's transformation from callous brute to compliant Jar Jar Binks, go ahead and GIVE them their own sector.

We're told that most of the place is flattened, so the displaced Kosovars are starting afresh anyway. So you'd have a Russian sector, and a Chinese sector, and a NATO sector. And let the refugees choose where they want to settle.

Print up accurate maps. Put up plenty of road signs -- this way to live under the Chinese System. This way to live under Russian administration. This way to NATO, McDonald's and Godless Rock And Roll.

And see which sector they head for.

Claiming to be a peacemaker is easy. Getting people to BELIEVE you is something else.

Now this.

Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 PAX NATO
Moved: 6/10/1999 7:35
CBS2-PAX NATO 6/4/99

Pax NATO. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

I know it isn't fashionable to say that a President might have been right -- especially THIS president. But remember all the commentators who said that the air war wouldn't work? That it COULDN'T work? Who said that ground troops would have to be sent in fighting? 

"Empty pyrotechnics", said one columnist who thought NATO was doing too little. "Terrorism" said the people who thought NATO was doing too much. A "war of incompetence" said the people keeping lists of NATO's mistakes. 

"NATO will lose and Clinton will spin it as a victory" was the bottom line of one particularly critical column in my file.

Well, I know there are people who don't like what NATO did, and who will come up with some negative way to describe it. They can call it bullying, or piling on, or hegemony, or even terrorism -- but they can't call it losing.

If this is losing, we should lose ALL our wars.

When you can go into a European country, where there are no deserts and lots of hiding places, and still crush all anti-aircraft resistance in a few weeks, fly day and night and hit any target you choose, and do it for 72 days without a SINGLE battle death, and then get your opposition to withdraw, even though you never sent in ground troops, and indeed announced publicly you would not send in ground troops -- there's only one word for that: VICTORY.

It IS a little frightening to think there is now a military power in the world which can win a war by remote control, without its troops ever having to set foot in a battlefield. A force so dominant the other side can't even retaliate.

But isn't it just a LITTLE bit reassuring to know that WE control it, and not Russia, or China?

Now this.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 KOSOVO VICTORY
Moved: 6/10/1999 7:34
CBS1-KOSOVO VICTORY 6/10/99

June 10, 1999. A day that will probably be forgotten. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

NATO troops will helicopter to the mountaintops to take the high ground. NATO tanks will rumble into the valleys to take the low ground. NATO soldiers will march into Kosovo. And they will do it unopposed.

After 11 weeks, what the critics labeled "Clinton's War" is over.

And on NATO's terms. There are still people trying to call it a defeat because Slobodan Milosevic is still in power. Well, of course he's still in power. And he just used his power to surrender. Why kill the guy who picked up the phone and called his army home?

I know there are many people who are disappointed. They wanted another D-Day. They wanted to see soldiers going in under fire, because that's how THEY did it, and that's how heroes are made. They wanted "The Longest Day" and all they got was a protest sign on a Greek beach saying "Death to NATO."

Well, I'm sure there will be other opportunities.

In the meantime, the sons, and brothers, and fathers who will now march into Kosovo are just as happy not to find themselves in the opening sequence of Saving Private Ryan.

The experts who predicted that Kosovo and the Balkans will consume Clinton's Presidency are now casting about for new predictions. They will say, OK, NATO won, but Kosovo is in ruins. Suppose a guerilla war breaks out. Suppose someone steps on a mine.

What they will gloss over is that total losses -- in combat -- were two planes, and NO soldiers.

June 10, 1999. A day when the invasion meant the end of the shooting, not the beginning. A day that would make a really boring movie. A day that will NOT live in history. And that's just fine.

Now this.

Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 ABU JAMAL
Moved: 6/10/1999 7:34
CBS-ABU-JAMAL 6/10/99

Pomp and Controversy. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

The parents, staff and students at Graduation Ceremonies for the Evergreen State College in Washington State will be treated to an unusual commencement speech Friday.

-- Mumia Abu-Jamal: convicted of killing a Philadelphia police officer in 1981, and now a crusader against the death penalty and what he considers to be its unfair application to blacks like himself.

He was invited by a student committee that had been given free reign by the college administration. 

When Governor Gary Locke, who was also scheduled to address to speak found out, he cancelled.

When the officer's widow found out, she booked a plane to Washington State to lead a protest. 

But a commitment is a commitment, and Abu-Jamal's 13 minute speech, recorded over the phone from prison cell, will go on.

Maybe the guy WAS railroaded.

Maybe the reason he's on death row is not the five shots he pumped into a police officer but because of his race.

But I look at these graduation speeches from a parent's perspective. Here you've spent anywhere from 40,000 to 120,000 dollars to send a kid through school. Then comes graduation day, you want to celebrate your child's accomplishment and the end of the tuition payments, and instead you're dragged into a debate about capital punishment, or you have a daughter who made it through VMI, and you go to graduation and there's G. Gordon Liddy, saying "a woman's place is behind the lines."

All a parent wants is a brief inspirational speech that makes them feel good so they can go off and have a nice brunch with their kids and not feel so bad about the finance charges.

Now this.

Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 ILLITERATE
Moved: 6/9/1999 7:24
CBS2-LEARN TO READ 6/9/99

Who should be teaching whom? This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network

Have you heard the story of Jay Thiessens? Mr. Thiessens is a Nevada businessman, and is being honored today by the US Chamber of Commerce for his triumph over adversity. His particular adversity being his inability to read.

He was one of those kids who was quiet and sat in the back of the room, and had trouble reading. His grade school teacher decided he was stupid, and plopped him on the institutional conveyor belt until 1963, when he got a diploma he couldn't read and headed for his dad's little machine shop.

It wasn't until last year that he hired a reading tutor, and decided to reveal his secret to his plant managers -- at the 5 million dollar a year business that his family's machine shop had become under his leadership.

Because even though he still smarted from being called stupid, he was able to compensate by developing his memory, and his knack for mathematics.

So today, at the age of 56, he will be honored as an inspiration to others who never learned to read.

Now ladies and gentlemen, I know the intent of this story is to show that it's never too late. And that you should never be ashamed of stepping forward and asking for help. And to remind us how terrible it is for a teacher to call a child stupid.

But there's ANOTHER message to this story, and I think you know what it is. How many of you KNOW how to read, and indeed had a mom who read to you in the WOMB, and are nowhere NEAR running a $5 million dollar a year business?

I am very glad that Mr. Thiessens is now getting the help he needs. But I believe we have more to learn from him than he has to learn from us.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 NAIL CLIPPERS
Moved: 6/9/1999 7:23
CBS1-NAIL CLIPPERS

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. And it's time for another edition of News Read Real Slow.

News Read Real Slow, the feature for people who think the reason the news is so baffling is that announcers read too darn fast.

DATELINE PENSACOLA: Another school discipline case is making school administrators look incurably paranoid.

15 year old Tawana Dawson brought a nail clipper to school with a small fold-out knife blade in it, and faces expulsion as a result.

A panel of three administrators has sided with Pensacola High's principal, who wants Tawana kept out of his school for a year under a zero-tolerance policy for weapons.

The sophomore acknowledges receiving the school handbook which includes examples of prohibited items, like the nail clippers she brought to school.

A teacher saw Tawana's clipper on the desk of another student who had borrowed it to trim her fingernails.

Tawana says she didn't realize the two-inch fold-out attachment was a knife, rather than just a nail-cleaning blade.

REAL SLOW:

A teacher saw Tawana's clipper on the desk of another student who had borrowed it to trim her fingernails.

Well, OK, I guess she wasn't exactly a crazed kid in a trenchcoat. 

But I think, in reading this real slow, I sense another underlying issue ... which is that whether it's a nail-cleaning blade, or a knife, trimming your fingernails during class is basically disgusting.

WHO WANTS TO SEE THAT?

Of COURSE they want to kick her out.

The news always makes more sense when you read it real slow.

Now this.

Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 KOSOVO PEACE PLAN
Moved: 6/8/1999 8:02
CBS1-KOSOVO PEACE PLAN

Peace plan take TWO. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

I know Slobodan Milosevic is supposed to be this shrewd bargainer, this master tactician who is able to play the western nations against the UN and each other. But what exactly did his accomplish by waffling for four days on a peace plan?

The plan he agreed to last week ordered an "International security presence, with an essential NATO participation under a unified control and command." When Madeleine Albright was asked what today's NEW plan orders, she said, QUOTE "an International security presence with substantial NATO participation and a unified command."

Plus, as before, all the Serb troops have to leave, and the people they spent the last 76 days expelling -- get to return.

So basically all the delay did was give Yugoslavia a chance to lose more oil refineries and tanks.

But while we go round and round about what words to use, here's a good way to decide who lost.

Imagine this had happened to us. Imagine that the factories outside your town were nothing but rubble. That you had no jobs to go to. That you had only spotty electricity, that fuel was being rationed, the water was in short supply. 

Imagine further that you had just been told that your army would have to give back all the territory it had conquered -- meaning that you had made all these sacrifices for nothing.

Imagine further that a bunch of foreign nations made it clear that the bombed out homes and villages of your enemies would be rebuilt before there would be any help rebuilding the factory where YOU used to work, and the bridge you used to use everyday, and the power plant that used to keep your lights on.

Would you be throwing a victory party?

Would you be showering your leaders with flower petals?

Or would you be showering them with something else.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 DEAD DEAL
Moved: 6/7/1999 7:03
CBS1-DEAD DEAL 6/7/99

What happened? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

The bombing could have been over by now. Instead, the B-52s are still in the air, still targeting tanks, and ammo dumps, and command posts.

What happened? Last Friday it looked like Milosevic had had enough; but by Sunday, he was asking for more bombs.

Maybe he read the news coverage over the weekend. The prospect of a peace deal seemed to loosen everyone's tongue, and we saw a spate of articles about how NATO had just barely hung together, and how the whole thing was bungled form the start. Plus there was a peace rally over the weekend in Washington D.C. full of speeches from Americans on what a brutish nation we have become for bombing a helpless country.

A tyrant watching that might very well say, WAIT a minute! Why sign a deal when NATO is on the verge of breaking apart!

But NATO is made up of democracies, debate is our specialty, and it's been going on from the beginning.

It must be something else. What kind of leader agrees to give up, then changes his mind?

A scared leader?

The Albanians are not in a forgiving mood toward their Serbian neighbors. And when the peace plan was announced we heard reports that a NEW exodus was beginning in Kosovo -- this time, not Albanians heading south, but an exodus of Serbs heading north. And whom do you think those wandering Serbs would love to get their hands on? 

What kind of leader backs out at the last minute.

A leader who has just lost the very province he swore to protect, I think.

A leader who woke up Sunday realizing he'd just agreed to a deal that would get him offed by his own people. 

A leader... who is having trouble booking his flight out.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 SAT DOGS DAN
Moved: 6/4/1999 7:35
CBS2-DOGS-DAN 6/4/99

Deep doo doo. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

We've all been to parks and seen it. City dwellers walk around it on sidewalks and pathways. The silent epidemic. Dog leavings.

And San Francisco is leading the way in finding a solution. The latest proposal from Supervisor Amos Brown -- a dog-walking license for professional dog walkers. Amateurs who walk their pets out of simple affection would not need the license, but professional dog-walkers would have to register with the city -- and buy a license.

The Supervisor says people who make a profit from the use, and sometimes abuse, of public land should at least share their wealth with the government. The money could be used for park improvement. 

The dog walkers -- who number about 80 -- are upset. They say they're already paying for business licenses. A new fee would be unfair. Why just them and not tai-chi instructors or day care operators who also make money and use parks?

It's always a difficult decision, isn't it? Whom to punish for a particular public nuisance? DO you punish the guy who MISUSED the gun, or the company that made it? DO you punish the smoker, or the cigarette company.

In this case, maybe you should punish the pet owners. What kind of person buys a pet, and then hires someone else to walk it?

Or pet food manufacturers. Pet food has gotten so delicious that dogs lick their plates clean now, with predictable results.

In any case, the dog walker certainly isn't the problem. In tis era of personal responsibility that we live in you'd have to argue that the dog ITSELF is the problem. Its the incontinent nature of canines that's to blame. There needs to be a massive canine re-education program. Perhaps taught by cats.

Now this. 

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 SAT KOSOVO DEBATE
Moved: 6/4/1999 7:34
CBS1-SAT-KOSOVO DEBATE 6/4/99

Diplomacy from the air. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 

Here are some of the quotes from the debate last April on whether the war in Kosovo was a good idea. 

"What good has been accomplished so far? Absolutely nothing. Tom DeLay, House Majority whip.

"The fact is, our intervening in the middle of an ethnic civil war that has been going on for six centuries is not likely to be successful." Representative John Kasich of Ohio.

"We cannot win peace through war. The failure of the bombing campaign is proof." Representative Dennis Kucinich of Ohio.

In contrast, there was Bill Clinton. Two months ago, he laid out the demands in a speech to Newspaper Editors in San Francisco:

1. Serbian forces must leave Kosovo.
2. The displaced Kosovars must be able to return.
3. There must be an international security force to protect all Kosovars, including the Serbian minority there, as they work toward self government.

Well we have the agreement now. And it says:

(QUOTE) "Verifiable withdrawal from Kosovo of all military, police, and paramilitary forces according to a quick timetable."

"International security presence, with an essential NATO participation ... (to) enable the safe return of the displaced persons and refugees to their homes."

The Clintonites may have stumbled into this strategy, as columnist Thomas Friedman writes in the New York Times -- and perhaps it is indeed true that NATO, having flirted with failure, will be reluctant to try it again. But given the cost to Yugoslavia, I don't imagine NATO's potential enemies will be eager to TEST that reluctance, do you?

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 DROWSY
Moved: 6/3/1999 7:18
CBS1-DROWSY 6/3/99

Sleep! Now! This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

Some of these public health campaigns can get pretty annoying -- but I think we finally have one here that everyone can endorse.

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration and the National Center on Sleep Disorders have announced a campaign to educate us all about the importance of sleeping.

The reason is that too many of us don't do it enough, or do it at the wrong times, such as when driving giant trucks.

So they are going to encourage workers to get more sleep, and encourage employers to LET workers get more sleep.

Now THIS is one workplace benefit worth fighting for. Enough about sex discrimination, jokes in the workplace, repetive stress injuries, all these lawsuits, if they'd just let us sleep, we wouldn't be so darn TICKED OFF all the time.

And yet what happens if your boss catches you slumped over the keyboard, purring away? He puts you on the NAP TRACK. 

Everything at the office is designed to keep us awake. The fluorescent lighting, open cubicles, pagers which are basically body-mounted alarm clocks. Deadlines, making us nervous.

Now: 

The 2000 elections are a year and a half away. 

The candidates are looking for ways to distinguish themselves. 

So far all we get is the same old stuff. Social Security, gun control, taxes, crime, equal treatment....

Someone should some out in favor of sleep.

When you're sleeping you can't commit crimes. When you're sleeping, you can't shoot anybody. When you're sleeping you don't worry about Social Security or taxes. When you are sleeping you are the equal of everyone else who is sleeping.

Which candidate will be bold enough to adopt a "more sleep" agenda.

I say Steve Forbes. The moment you make eye contact with THAT guy (FINGER SNAP) you're out.

Now this.

Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 ANDRO
Moved: 6/3/1999 7:18
CBS2-ANDRO 6/3/99

Pumping pills. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

The verdict is in on Androstenedione. Androstenedione is the "performance enhancer" that Mark McGuire made famous. Some people thought it might even be the real power behind his 70 home runs last year. And after he admitted using it, the stuff started jumping off the shelves -- since it can be sold without a prescription.

It works by mimicking a natural body compound that converts itself into testosterone. That's the sales pitch, anyway. According to a new study published in the Journal of The American Medical association, the reality is very different.

The researchers took 30 men. 10 went into weight training with Androstenedione. 10 went into weight training with a placebo. 10 got no weight training, but instead took the andro one week and the placebo the next to see if the pill it self really could boost testosterone.

Result? The pill did nothing for the guys using weights, and it did nothing for the guys NOT using weights.

No added strength, no added muscle mass, no additional testosterone.

But it DID have an effect. It reduced the amount of good cholesterol -- the kind that prevents heart disease. AND -- 
all the men showed higher levels of estrogen. The FEMALE hormone.

See, THAT could explain why so many male athletes wear jewelry.

Plus, there's the other effect estrogen has: BREASTS. 

What this means is that McGuire set the record not because of the Androstenedione, but in SPITE of it.

It also means that the people who sell this stuff have to change the label -- "Boys, here's your chance to die young and with breasts."

It might appeal to a certain niche market.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

?AMAZON.CBS 06/01/99
Moved: 6/2/1999 7:18
AMAZON.CBS 06/01/99 7:41 PM-DLR

The amazon has no clothes. This is Dave Ross with Chip Talk.

Amazon.com, the high-flying Internet bookseller, has dropped so far so
fast that Barron's financial weekly dubbed it "Amazon.bomb." The
article said investors are realizing that Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is just
another middleman.

Ooo. Nasty. 0But (WHISPER) that's probably pretty close to the truth. 
We are constantly being told how technology is going to change our
lives. But unless you're Bill Gates or part of the new fraternity of
gazillionaires, how has your life changed?

You can now order a book on your computer and it arrives in the MAIL! 
Wow! 40 years ago my mom joined in the Book of the Month Club. All
her books arrived in the mail ? WITHOUT having to order them.

Voice recognition ? so we can dial numbers just by speaking them. You
mean like the telephone operator who used to do the same thing? Free? 

We can read any newspaper in the country on line. That IS a difference,
except there aren't enough hours in a day to READ every newspaper on
line. Not when you have 65 channels to watch.

And computers have certainly made it easier to run a business out of
your home ? but remember, in the middle ages, that's the only kind of
business there was.

I'll tell you one thing computers definitely HAVE done:

They've made every job look like every other job. Because of the
computer, no matter what business you're in, you spend the day in front
of a screen, typing on a keyboard ? whether you're a graphic artist or a
bank teller.

Actually, that's not new either ? businesses always had a typing pool.

It's just that now, we're all in it. Now this. This is Dave Ross on
the CBS Radio Network. ~C:\WORKS\FILES\AMAZON.CBS 
Index 

CBS1 VIOLENCE
Moved: 6/2/1999 7:11
VIOLENCE.CBS 06/01/99 3:21 PM-DLR

Help save the government a million dollars. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

As you've heard, the President has kicked off a one million dollar investigation into the marketing of violence to children.

Investigators will subpoena memos if necessary to determine whether the industry markets to kids.

Even though we already know what's in those memos.
NO WAY does the entertainment industry purposely market violence to kids.

If it is indeed true that kids see 200,000 dramatized acts of violence by the time they turn 18, it's because they are watching stuff they were not supposed to watch. And NO WAY does the industry condone the watching of violence.

In fact, they HATE IT when one of those violent video games become wildly popular among teenage boys. They LAY AWAKE NIGHTS at night agonizing over the societal effects of this, and how to stop these kids from sneaking copies of violent games that were NEVER intended for them, but were in fact intended for mature adults. Elderly adults, even. Mature, elderly adult ... PACIFISTS. That's who Mortal Combat was designed for: Mature, elderly adult pacifists. 

SO you parents could save the government a million dollars by calling the White House and telling them who's been giving these games to your children, when they are clearly intended for mature elderly adult pacifists ... living in isolated monasteries in rural Italy.

PLUS, there are warnings on every video game. I quote from the actual label on every copy of Mortal Kombat: "MATURE 17+
Realistic Violence, Realistic Blood and Gore." What could be clearer? What 15 year old would want a game that includes even the merest mention of the vice-president?

Now this.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

~C:\WORKS\FILES\VIOLENCE.CBS 
Index 

CBS2 JILTED
Moved: 6/2/1999 7:11
JILTED.CBS 06/01/99 8:04 PM-DLR

More e-mail wisdom. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Time to look at more of your e-mail ? which you can to: 
dave@keepcalm.com. It rhymes so it?s easy to remember.

Dave@keepcalm.com.

We?ve all been trying to figure out what makes kids want to shoot up
their schools. And the day after the Georgia shooting, I was running
down the list of possible factors. 

? Being an outcast, wearing a trenchcoat, coming form a one-parent
family, coming from a TWO parent family, coming form a poor
neighborhood, coming from a rich neighborhood...

But I left out the most important one of all. And John Rotunni of
Glendora, California was good enough to point out the oversight.

Dave,

While rattling off what could have prevented the most recent high school
shooting in Georgia, you overlooked the obvious. The guy was just jilted
? therefore heterosexual relationships must be made illegal!

You see! We?re so busy looking under rocks we forget that it is this
out-of control heterosexuality that is ruing the schools, the military,
the presidency ? thank you John.

The other culprit is violence in the media ? and Ken Davis of Seattle
e-mailed a transcript of THIS conversation, overheard in a movie line:

Mother walks up to the ticket window with her 12 year old, and asks the
cashier: ?Have you seen the ?Matrix?
Cashier: Yes
Mother ?Is there any sex in it?
Cashier, ?No, just one kiss..?
Mother: ?Do you know why it?s rated R??
Cashier: It?s pretty violent?
Mother: ?No naked women?
Cashier: ?No?
Mother: ?Is the violence worse than Nintendo??
Cashier: ?No?
Mother: ?I?ll take two for matrix.?

And in they go. Good luck with the investigation Mr. President.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

~C:\WORKS\FILES\JILTED.CBS 
Index 

CBS2 HACKERS
Moved: 6/1/1999 8:23
CBS2-HACKERS 6/1/99

The big hack attack. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

I tried to log on to FBI site this morning. I couldn't. It's still down. 

It was attacked by hackers last week, apparently as revenge for the indictment of 19 year old Eric Burns, a.k.a Zyklon -- who is accused of breaking into the US Information Agency computer system, among others.

The keyboard attackers have hit not only the FBI site, but the White House web page, the Senate web page, an Interior Department web page, and a site run by the Federal supercomputer lab in Post Falls, Idaho.

They even got the web site for the FBI's National Infrastructure Protection Center, whose job it is to investigate computer crime.

And they leave messages. "We'll keep hitting them until they get down on their knees and beg" said one of them.

One hacker interviewed on line -- who said he was operating from Portugal -- threatened to take down every government server and bring the whole system down unless the arrests of hackers stop. First Saddam, then Milosevic, now we're being threatened by some teenager in PORTUGAL!

You know what you hackers are REALLY doing, don't you? Just annoying ordinary surfers. Just annoying people who would like to control of their government the LEGITIMATE way.

You think it hurts the White House that you posted a few rude remarks on their web page?

You think it hurts the Senate that you posted some obscene pictures? Like THAT would shock a senator!

No, all it does is make them shut down those sites so that voters who want to be able to read the text of legislation or search the Congressional Record -- in other words, get informed, CAN'T.

SO the government goes on operating, it just gets to operate in secret, thanks to YOU.

So instead of striking a blow for freedom, you're actually creating the conditions for tyranny. And I hope the FBI arrests every last one of you, and puts you in one of those comfy federal prisons where they can teach you a good healthy sport.

Or why don't you meet a nice girl. Then you wouldn't have to date dirty pictures all the time.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 VIOLENT GAMES
Moved: 6/1/1999 8:23
CBS1-VIOLENT GAMES 6/1/99

Stop us before we play again. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

-- President Clinton is asking FTC and justice department to find out if the video game industry is purposely marketing violent materials to kids.

-- A couple of days ago House Judiciary Chairman Henry Hyde said the House will also look at the entertainment industry. He wants to find out what limits Congress can constitutionally impose on television, movies and music.

When the President and Henry Hyde start agreeing on a MORAL issue -- you know the millennium is just about up.

I've been trying to think of what the government could do, and I can come up with only one thing.

There's only one thing. Set up video game detectors at the door to every American home.

Because somebody MUST be smuggling the games in.

I know PARENTS wouldn't be buying them, because parents know how unhealthy they are.

Video game makers are apparently using the same marketing techniques that the cigarette-makers use. (MUSIC HIT) They know that nobody wants their deadly products, so they employ agents -- (HIT) agents who wait until everyone's asleep and then, late at night, they come down the chimney and and head straight for the computer where they install (HIT) Quake3 and (HIT) Duke Nukem, and state of the art active-response joysticks, and then sneak into the bedrooms of sleeping children and whisper, "Turn on your computer. Play the game. Play the game. You MUST play the game." But your child has been raised right. So when he hears that whisper, he will stand tall and say, no! I will NOT play the game! Because I model myself on Henry Hyde and Bill Clinton and I KNOW -- it would be wrong!

Now this.

Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 MEMORIAL
Moved: 6/1/1999 8:23
CBS1-MEMORIAL DAY

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

If you can't visit the Vietnam Memorial, or go to Arlington, or go to a local ceremony, you can still take a moment to observe Memorial Day. Several sites on the Internet display the pictures and poems of veterans and their families. One is is www.thewall-usa.com.

"Thewall" (one word) then a dash, then USA.com.

And it was on this site that I found a piece by Michelle Rene Bier, called Letters from Bobby. Just a series of ordinary letters. 

July 10th, 1959

Dear Dad, Camp is fun!! We played baseball yesterday afternoon. My team won.

PS...I'll see you when I get home.

June 28th, 1967

Dad, It's around 9pm right now. I am really tired. Boot Camp is harder than I thought it would be. 

PS...I'll see you when I get home.

January 3rd, 1968

Dad, It's pure hell over here, Dad. Some days I feel like I have no mind left inside my skull.

I have never been so scared in my life. Everyone's scared. You can see it in their eyes.

PS...I'll see you when I get home.

July 6th, 1998

Dear Bobby, I miss you so much, Son. Sorry I haven't written in so long. But every time I would start to--I would break down. 
Rest well, Bobby.

PS...I'll see you when I get home. 

Now this.

Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 VACATIONS
Moved: 6/1/1999 8:22
CBS-TRAVEL 5/31/99

Into the woods. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

Everybody's heading home now from the first big weekend in the woods. And I hope you're all feeling refreshed and renewed. Indeed you should be feeling refreshed and renewed in record numbers. Because thanks to the robust economy, quite a few people are seeking refreshment and renewal.

According to this year's AP vacation poll, the typical American likes to vacation in the summer, travel by car and spend a week or less on the trip. 

That means a lot of camping.

I remember once driving to a campsite late one night, tired, hoping to spend a relaxing evening star gazing. Not a chance. Can't camp here. Can't star gaze here. Can't even loiter here. Full, said the lady at the gate. And she was right. It was actually more crowded than the subdivision I was trying to get away from.

That's what camping is. What suburbia would look like without plumbing.

All to get near a lake. Part of the problem is that Congress, to save us all money, has made it very DIFFICULT to get near a decent lake.

The United States has 1,782 man-made federal lakes, created for power plants, flood control, and irrigation -- but according to a new report, there' no money to develop their recreation potential.

And what facilities there are, are falling apart.

At Lake Mead near Las Vegas, largest reservoir in North America, the water level can fluctuate by as much as 50 feet depending on water demand, so that sometimes the toilet facilities are underwater. And there are so few boat launches that boat owners have to show up early and wait in long lines.

If I want to wait in lines and use crummy restrooms, I can go to a rock festival.

Now this.

Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 SAT BAYWATCH DAN
Moved: 5/21/1999 7:24
CBS2-SAT-BAYWATCH-DAN 5/21/99

Share the wealth! This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Did you hear the news about Baywatch?

The beachfront TV series that fills screens around the world with gorgeous models testing the limits of swimwear, and acting, will decided to leave California.

Production costs were the problem -- it just cost too much to make a show about California lifeguards in California. And the production company was threatening to move to Australia.

This would have been a catastrophe. Baywatch may very well be the most successful TV series in the history of the medium. It speaks the universal language -- WET SKIN. It is translated in 140 countries, INCLUDING China. It is very likely the only good PR the US gets these days.

For it to leave America would have been -- like flag burning.

So it's no surprise that the State of Hawaii would snap it up. Yes, Baywatch will move to Oahu, and be called Baywatch Hawaii! But look at the deal here -- Hawaii put up one-point-seven million dollars to build a lifeguard tower and a tank for the underwater shots. 

1.7 million. It's a joke, right? States put up more than that to bring in a shuffleboard team.

This is the bargain of the century. 1.7 million??

Why didn't Baywatch give other states a crack at it? 

Baywatch -- North Dakota.

The taxpayers would have gladly put in an ocean beach outside Fargo. Retractable sky. That's what TAX-FREE BONDS are for.

1.7 million dollars!

Cities today will bid half a billion to keep a team that's LOSING money. Baywatch MAKES money.

Hey, for that matter -- Baywatch NEW YORK. Then if the Yankees moved no one would even notice.

Now this.

Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 LOVE JET DAN
Moved: 5/21/1999 7:24
CBS2-LOVE JET-DAN 5/21/99

Message in a bottle. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

There's a new boy toy on the block. A Japanese inventor says he has something better than the little blue pill.

It's called LoveJet.

And for 99 dollars, you will soon be able to buy 60 sprays of it.
What "it" is, exactly, is a secret. But what it does is not. LoveJet helps the body release the sex hormone D-H-E-A -- and unlike the blue pill, the results are INSTANT.

LoveJet creator Yoshiro NakaMats drew large crowds at an inventor's show this month when he unveiled LoveJet.

Everyone wanted to see what spray-on libido looks like.
An unassuming little spray bottle, actually. And it's even supposed to have beneficial side effects. NakaMats claims the added hormone will keep your skin from aging. And regular use of LoveJet will improve your memory.

The only POSSIBLE drawback -- is that LoveJet only works when sprayed directly on the groin.

Well, I suppose with enough incense and candlelight anything can be romantic.

And think of the other possibilities once LoveJet catches on:

ParentJet for happy, healthy kids.
ConscienceJet for politicians with too many special interests.
CourtesyJet for people who get in the express line with more than eight items.

But in the meantime, let us pause to stand in awe at the evolution of our species!

We have come full circle! Flirting began with the fig leaf, evolved to ever higher and more subtle forms of costume and conduct, until now, at the end of the 20th century, it has come down to thong underwear and a spray on the privates. 

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 SAT GAMBLING
Moved: 5/21/1999 7:23
CBS1-SAT-GAMBLING 5/19/99

Let it ride. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

It turns out that there is officially too much GAMBLING in America.

The National Gambling Impact Study Commission still has one more meeting before it makes its suggestions to Congress, but it has already recommended a moratorium on casinos, slot machines and lotteries, and NO MORE gambling on college sports -- which is legal in Las Vegas and Oregon.

It's also CONSIDERING whether the gambling industry should even be allowed to give to political campaigns.

Did I say GAMBLING industry? I meant GAMING industry. Gambling bad. GAMING -- GOOD!

In any case, the states have wasted no time.

Since the Gambling Impact Study Commission began its work, 
Rhode Island's state lottery commission decided to keep the slot machines at a jai alai court and a dog track. Illinois legislators started discussing a plan to allow a riverboat casino in Cook County.
Tennessee, South Carolina and Alabama have decided to start lotteries. And Massachusetts, West Virginia and Kentucky have decided to allow casinos for the first time. Why, in Kentucky the casinos would raise money to help the horse-racing industry!

So you might be tempted to think that the states are ignoring the gambling commission, and its main concern: the problem gambler.

No! States are not ignoring problem gamblers. They're ACTIVELY trying to create more OF THEM! Because is there really any such thing as a problem gambler when the state is running the gambling? Would a state define someone who pays high taxes as a "problem taxpayer?"

Of course not!

So while the National Gambling Impact Study Commission debates the impact of gambling, the states have already made their decision. Gambling DOES have an impact. And we LOVE IT!

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 PRESIDENTIAL BOX
Moved: 5/19/1999 7:26
CBS2-PRESIDENTIAL BOX 5/19/99

Show them the money. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

Presidential candidates will get only about a third of the federal aid they're entitled to next year. And why? Because so few Americans are checking the campaign financing box on their income tax returns.

It's a crisis because, according to the Federal Election Commission, it means that for the first time since federal financing of presidential elections began, candidates will have to wait until the year after the election to get their full matching dollars.

So at a time when the campaigns are starting earlier than ever, the money for campaign ads will arrive LATER than ever.

I know -- it breaks your heart! You were looking forward to all that junk mail. You were looking forward to the five-minute campaign ads.

That's why you didn't check the box, didn't you? You thought it would spare the country the quadrennial pestering.

You forget one thing, my dear listener.

STEVE FORBES!

(DAVE FLIES INTO A RAGE)

Steve Forbes has PILES of dough. Steve Forbes doesn't need matching funds. Steve Forbes can single-handedly stuff your mailbox. Steve Forbes can stuff entire fleets of postal trucks.

I know the game everybody's trying to play here, but it won't work, people. If they can't buy TV ads, what do you think they'll do? They'll just enlist volunteers to go door to door to pitch you in person. Do you want that? Do you want your mailboxes clogged by Steve Forbes and your streets clogged with political missionaries for everybody else?

(WITH URGENCY)

Don't let it happen people. Go down to the IRS, get the proper form, file an amended return, check the box, and let's get the process back to normal.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 SLOW HAM RADIO
Moved: 5/18/1999 7:32
CBS2-SLOW-HAM RADIO

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

And it's time for another edition of ...

News Read Real Slow. News Read Real Slow, the feature for those of you who feel the reason the news is so confusion is that announcers read too fast.

As you've heard, some observers of the conflict in Kosovo suspect that the Serb forces are getting advance information on which targets NATO is going to hit.

Pentagon officials say they have no evidence of that. However, there was this story on the news:

Dateline, Washington. 

Pentagon spokesman Kenneth Bacon said Monday that Yugoslav amateur radio operators have been able to pick up conversations from NATO planes. The reason is that while U-S planes have advanced radios that scramble conversations, some NATO countries have older planes with older radios. And when these older planes join a US mission, ALL the pilots have to talk on open frequencies that can be picked up by anybody with a ham radio.

Let's take that REAL SLOW:

"Open frequencies that can be picked up by anybody with a ham radio."

Hmm. So NATO doesn't know whether the Serbs have advance warning, but admits NATO pilots can sometimes be picked up by a receiver you could get at Radio Shack.

So the solution might be -- EQUIP THOSE PLANES WITH DECENT RADIOS? No, we have to save the money for the maps.

Wait -- wait -- I know! Bomb RADIO SHACK!

One of those soft bombs. Just screw up the cash register.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 PORNOGRAPHY
Moved: 5/17/1999 7:30
CBS2-PORNOGRAPHY 5/13/99

With a capital "P". This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

This is the kind of thing that drives preachers nuts.

A professor at Wesleyan University is teaching a course -- a college course-- on pornography. "College of Letters 289 Pornography" is how it reads in the catalog.

And the homework includes making pornographic films.

When talk shows got a hold of that -- well, it was another sign of American decay, and the outcry was enough that the President of Wesleyan has ordered a review of the course.

-- I guess because university students are helpless pups who have no idea what they're signing up for when they take a course labeled "Pornography."

-- Or maybe it's because parents resent paying 30,000 dollars a year to teach kids something that they could easily learn for free.

But the preachers and the talk shows needn't worry.

Let me quote from the course description: College of Letters 289 Pornography. 
This course investigates pornographic literature as a body of discursive 
practices .... 

Our examination accordingly includes the implication of 
pornography in so-called perverse practices such as voyeurism, bestiality, 
sadism, and masochism, and considers the dominant white heterosexual 
tradition by alternative sexualities and genders... 

We also attempt to identify the factors, intrinsic and extrinsic ..." arrgh fire the 
electrode, Igor, wake me up!

You've taken at least one comp lit course, right? You know what it's like! It's a course where they teach you which books not to enjoy.

So yes, it sounds like a terrible thing to teach pornography. But is there any better way to render the titillating boring -- than to study it?

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 SAT HITMAN DAN
Moved: 5/14/1999 11:15
CBS2-SAT-HITMAN 5/14/99

Bad boys, what ya gonna do? This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Teenagers can be so frustrating. Unreliable. Irresponsible. Immoral.

And that's apparently just what Carolyn Burke of Altoona, Pennsylvania had in mind when she enlisted a teenager for a little chore she needed done.

Police say Burke was looking to get even with her husband -- for leaving her, her 14 year marriage, and her two kids. For a woman he met on the Internet.
After three months of stewing she finally got her two-thousand dollar tax return and knew just what to buy with it.

A hit man -- to kill her husband's new girlfriend.
A friend of Carolyn's said she'd find a reliable hit man -- what are friends for?
And Burke's friend came through, after a remarkably short search.

Carolyn Burke hired her friend's 17-year-old stepson.

For two thousand dollars Christopher Chaplin would kill her husband's new girlfriend.

And Burke would have revenge.

Nice neighborhood, huh?

But now -- imagine the type of 17-year-old boy who would agree to kill someone for money. The kind of kid who's own stepmother would hire him out as a killer. Would you actually trust this person with two-thousand dollars?

Carolyn Burke did.

And young Christopher did what any unreliable irresponsible immoral 17-year-old would do with two thousand dollars.

He skipped out of the job, and spent it partying in motel rooms. After two months Carolyn Burke's tax refund was gone, and her husband's new girlfriend was still around. 

When she found out she cracked, called a mental health line, and confessed.

So the next time that you hear about teenagers, and how they are unreliable, lack motivation, and can't be trusted, remember that sometimes, that's a GOOD thing.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 SAT ATOMIC TRAIN
Moved: 5/14/1999 11:12
CBS1-SAT-ATOMIC TRAIN

The big kaboom. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

This weekend NBC broadcasts a miniseries titled Atomic Train. However, you will notice, if you decide to invest two nights in this thing, that mention of anything Atomic is confined to the title.

Because it turns out that the Atomic Train is not carrying ATOMIC waste, only HAZARDOUS waste.

You would think that the proper title for such a mini series would therefore be "Hazardous Train". But it remains Atomic Train.

What happened was that NBC's chief censor, in reviewing the mini-series for accuracy, concluded it was grossly INACCURATE, because nuclear waste is not typically carried by train. That was the story Wednesday anyway. By Thursday the explanation was that yes, nuclear waste might be carried by train, but it wouldn't be carried in boxcars of the type depicted in the miniseries. 

Which, I guess, would mean that thousand of our children would get the nuclear box car question wrong on the SAT.

SO the series was re dubbed, and all references to nuclear waste were changed to hazardous waste, and as for the mushroom cloud that erupts when the train crashes -- tat was cause by a nuclear bomb gratuitously planted aboard the train by evil Russians.

The question is why would NBC go to all this trouble. Were the execs really worried about misleading the America people -- or was the network, as da Senator Richard Bryan speculated on the Senate floor, being unduly deferential to parent company General Electric, and its nuclear energy unit.

We will never know.

But I just want to do MY bit to make it clear -- what explodes on that train is NOT nuclear waste. Do NOT be misled into thinking that nuclear waste is somehow a threatening thing. Rest easy, knowing that the trains going through your town are probably only carrying hazardous waste, with some Russian made nuclear bomb.

Or you could just go out dancing Sunday night.

Now this.

Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 CHINA AND RUSSIA
Moved: 5/14/1999 11:12
CBS2-RUSSIA AND CHINA 5/14/99

Perhaps NATO has done all it can. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The United States and China are still at odds over Yugoslavia.

China wants the bombing to stop. China's President, Jiang Zemin, who only last year was trying to be friends with the US, now says we seek global domination. And he isn't just talking about fast food.

As for for Russia, President Boris Yeltsin said again that Russia could pull out of the peace negotiations -- even as diplomats reported being close to a deal.

Of course, with Yeltsin, nobody knows what's really going through his mind. Sometimes it's like trying to understand a Furby.

But CHINA's message is pretty clear, and we'll have to decide how to respond.

Well how about this. Maybe we should just call their bluff.

We haven't lost any troops in combat yet, our investment is limited to bombs -- which after all are made to be blown up.

Kosovo may be noble cause, but it's not worth a new cold war. China's got our nukes now -- so if China and Russia REALLY want NATO to stop, if they really think an end to the bombing will bring peace and justice, maybe we should just call their bluff, and stop.

Stop the bombing and say -- we tried our best, now it's YOUR responsibility.

President Jiang, you want to be a humanitarian, to make the world forget what happened ten years ago in Tiananmen square, YOU escort the Albanian refugees home.

And since you trust your new friend Slobodan Milosevic so much, why not send your troops in UNARMED to do it!

Those atrocity stories are mere propaganda -- perpetrated by PAID ACTORS, isn't that what he said? So here's your chance.

Our satellites will be standing by, to broadcast your triumph to the rest of the world.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 CELL PHONES
Moved: 5/12/1999 14:18
CBS2-CELL PHONES 5/12/99

Teaching juvenile dexterity. is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

No matter where you live in this hyperconnected country of ours, you are
familiar with the scourge of the cell phone. The cell phone is the
thing that the other driver was talking on when he cut you off.

That's why experts are now saying that the RESPONSIBLE thing to do is pull on to the shoulder when you make a call. Just like you're you're supposed to close cover before striking, keep your PIN number separate from your credit card, defragment your hard drive, check in an hour before your flight, make sure the surface is completely free of dirt and grease before painting, and never give missile secrets to strangers.

But pulling to the shoulder defeats the purpose of having a phone, which is to talk while you drive.

So one Cell Phone company has decided to go on the offensive.

Air touch cellular is distributing a free videotape to all 240 school
districts in the State of Washington -- a video tape that teaches
student drivers what do to if their cell phone rings while they're driving.

The tape opens with a shot of a brain surgeon trying to work while
holding a cell phone -- as an example of a poor choice. Then it cuts to a driver who is concentrating on the road during a rainstorm when the cell phone rings. What to do? The video's suggested answer -- use the hands-free feature so you can keep your hands on the wheel.

You see? So stop all this talk of outlawing conversations while in motion. Education is the answer. And once Air Touch has taught kids how to talk responsibly on the phone while driving, Starbucks can offer a video on how to consume a mocha AND make a safe left turn. Clairol on how to frost your tips while passing.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 WAG THE DOG
Moved: 5/12/1999 14:16
CBS1-WAG THE DOG 5/12/99

The refugee drama explained. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

War is a foggy business with many versions of the truth, all stated with equal passion. And now comes a revelation that overturns everything you thought you knew about the refugee exodus from Kosovo.

According to a release on the official government website of the Federal Republic of Yugoslavia, those refugees you've seen -- flocking to border camps, telling takes of woe -- are extras.

Federal Minister at large Goran Matic says NATO used an old movie trick -- circulated its cast of thousands from Kosovo to Macedonia to Albania and back to Kosovo -- so that it would look like a cast of TENS of thousands, and even paid extras the equivalent of $5.50 a day to tell tales of woe for the cameras.

Remember early in the crisis, when thousands of refugees disappeared temporarily?

Minister Matic says what REALLY happened was that the extras didn't get paid that day, and so they turned around and went home. Or tried to.

He says that NATO -- to keep its actors on the lot -- started bombing their buses and trains.

So there it is. The truth according to Yugoslavia.

I guess we have all underestimated NATO. It turns out that far from being the bungling alliance that cannot even read a simple downtown tourist map, NATO was able to hire and direct thousands of paid actors to fabricate a refugee crisis.

And we also have to say that many of these new stars have clearly taken acting to the next level. Imagine the professional challenge for an actor when he picks up the script and gets to the part about being buried. And realizes there will be no stunt double.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 FUR LABEL
Moved: 5/11/1999 7:58
CBS1-FUR LABEL 5/11/99

Look for the humane label. This is Dave Ross. On The CBS Radio Network.

It's called Ballot Proposition A -- and its fate is now in the hands of the voters of Beverly Hills.

Proposition A is an attempt to hit the fur industry at ground zero.

It says that any garment made with fur and valued at more than $50 -- which in Beverly Hills would apply to everything except a rabbit's foot -- would have to be tagged with the following credit card-sized warning label:

Consumer notice: This product is made with fur from animals that may have been killed by electrocution, gassing, neck breaking, poisoning, clubbing, stomping or drowning and may have been trapped in steel-jaw, leg-hold traps.

Only those Bevely Hills store owners who can show that the animals died under humane conditions would be exempt.

But can you REALLY have a humanely-made fur coat?

A humane fur coat implies that somewhere there are all these happy, albeit very chilly animals lounging in deck chairs.

Of course we could debate that forever. But I know this -- you can't call a measure like Proposition A a "consumer protection" measure.

Supporters are selling it as a "consumer protection" measure -- because, they say, consumers have the right to know how their clothes were made.

So it's about consumer rights, not animal rights.

Yeah? Well ask consumers of fur what rights they want, and they'll tell you the right not to know where my coat came from.

The same right as those of us who occasionally shop for chilled carcasses at that morgue known as the meat counter. It's not like chickens sign informed consent forms.

It's just a cruel world all around.

I think it's moot anyway, because even if the tags are approved, they wording would be banned under some new anti-violence guideline.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 ORLISTAT
Moved: 5/11/1999 7:58
CBS2-ORLISTAT 5/11/99

Orlistat for the masses. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

Remember Orlistat -- that new new weight loss pill, which was supposed to be available only by prescription, and only to obese people? They are now basically available to anybody with a mailing address.

It's safer than fen-fen, and better than that thigh cream, which sticks to the inside of your pants -- this is a simple pill that stops you from absorbing as much fat so it just goes right through you. And now it's as close as your desktop computer.

On one web site, a registered doctor in Auckland New Zealand will prescribe it after a 35 dollar on line examination, provided that you assure him your Body Mass Index is 27.

The site talks about complete discretion -- which I believe means that since the doctor is in Auckland, he has no clue what your Body Mass Index really is.

Another diet pill site includes this medical notice:

"Most overweight people harbour a sneaking suspicion that somewhere there is a product that will solve all of their weight problems. Well now that product has arrived."

And the words "New Lower Price" flash on your screen.

Love that medical jargon!

Other sites don't bother with questionnaires, or even a discreet exam -- just give your name address and credit card number, and its yours. Free Fed Ex shipping with two or more boxes!

Say -- how about this -- install scales in the floor at the checkout counter, so that as the food is being scanned, the customer is being weighed; and if the customer's body mass index is above 27, the checker puts 30% of the food away.

Of course then fat people would just hire thin people to shop FOR them.

I looked for other web sites -- I typed in www.dont-eat-so-much.com, but there's nothing there.

Now this.

Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1CHINA EMBASSY
Moved: 5/10/1999 7:57
CBS1-CHINA EMBASSY 5/10/99

Dueling ... anomalies. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

This is the biggest public relations challenge yet for NATO -- explaining how three of America's smartest bombs could do such a dumb thing, and smack into the Chinese embassy in Belgrade.

And the answer we're getting is ... old maps. The CIA admits supplying maps that were made back when the Chinese embassy was across town. So these were NOT actually wayward bombs; but rather, accurate bombs that were MISINFORMED. 

It's the kind of anomaly, NATO assures China, that will not happen against -- but it doesn't go down well at a time when anybody with a computer can log on to a mapping service and get the precise coordinates of every Burger King in America.

And yet we notice some anomalies on the CHINESE side as well. We notice that SOME public demonstrations in China are not only OK, but even worth encouraging. Students heading for the US embassy in Beijing found government busses ready to take them there, and government agents ready with suggested slogans.

Perhaps with the TENTH anniversary of Tienanmen Square coming up, the government is thinking that a demonstration you DO like is an excellent way to pre-empt a demonstration you DON'T like?

It also comes at a time when there is another story fighting for space in newspapers.

The story is that in addition the data from US nuclear tests, in addition to the secret to building miniature warheads, China may have reached even deeper into the cookie jar, and learned the secret to building advanced submarine radar tracking technology. 

So while NATO certainly deserves the scolding it's getting from China for coloring outside the lines again --- it's a mistake that CERTAINLY comes at a convenient time.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 CHINA MAP
Moved: 5/10/1999 7:57
CBS2-CHINA MAP 5/10/99

Our impoverished spies. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

By now everybody's had a their take on the anomaly in Belgrade -- the mistaken bombing of the Chinese embassy, which actually wasn't a mistake.

The bomb did hit the intended target, just the wrong intended target. Making it a case of a target that was purposely hit by mistake.

But what caught my eye was the comment of Representative Porter Goss of Florida, who chairs the House Intelligence Committee.

He's quoted as saying that the Chinese Embassy error was further evidence of the chronic underspending on spying. The $28 billion dollars we spend on the CIA is just not enough.

I guess the $28 million WAS enough back in the days when they were giving out maps FREE but now that they cost $2.95 the budget is stretched to the breaking point.

I think the problem is failure to communicate. Hearings on the spy budget are held in secret. You never hear about them. Representative Goss's committee meets in secret, heck, for years we never even KNEW how big the CIA budget was. And even NOW we don't know exactly how they spend it.

With other agencies, you have days of testimony. Agency heads for the agriculture department will say "give us more money or farms will fail." The transportation department says "give us more money or highways will fall apart." The commerce department says "give US more money or commerce will stop." So there's all sorts of pressure to keep the money flowing.

But the CIA -- the CIA whines in secret. So there's no public pressure. No wonder they don't get enough.

If the CIA would just come before Congress in an open hearing and say "Give us more money -- or we'll have to use old maps and might hit the Chinese embassy my mistake " who would say no?

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 CHINA
Moved: 5/7/1999 10:40
CBS-CHINA 5/02/99 12:17 PM-DLR

Breach of Security. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

What to do about: China's theft of nuclear secrets. Or, as the headlines put it (OMINOUS WAGNERIAN CRASH) "China's theft of nuclear secrets!"

It's now beginning to look like the Justice Department completely screwed up the investigation into stolen nuclear secrets at the Los Alamos Laboratory. It also appears that despite the President's earlier assurances, Los Alamos had about as much security as a high school.

There were more than 300 break-ins involving the network containing the secret to building highly-efficient US nuclear warheads. So you can be pretty sure it's out. In fact I think I heard a couple of people at the bus stop this morning designing a highly efficient warhead.

Oh, for the old days! When China could only have blown us up with an INEFFICIENT warhead. (CRASH) "World Ends Inefficiently! Valuable Plutonium Wasted.

We all hope the persons responsible are punished, and that we get our secrets back.

In the meantime, did you happen to see THIS report:

The General Accounting Office ran an undercover investigation in which they sent an undercover agent to gun shows. And that agent found that a buyer who was 18 and did not have a criminal record could buy a fifty caliber military sniper rifle that can penetrate a tank's armor from a mile away.

Asked for a comment, the director of the 50-Caliber Shooters Association -- said the rifles are not a social threat because they are heavy, cost more than $6000, and are difficult to use for rapid fire shooting.

Now we're all worried about headlines like (MUSIC CRASHES) "China steals nuclear secrets." But how about "Gun Shows Sell Anti-Tank Rifles To Anybody With $6000."

Who arranged THAT little breach of security?

Now this. Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 SAT AIR RAGE
Moved: 5/7/1999 7:35
CBS-AIR RAGE 5/7/99

Fear of flying.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

Airline passenger Bryan J. Neal has pleaded guilty to a felony charge. Mr. Neal is the man who was on an Airtours International Airways charter flight from Orlando, Fla., to Manchester, England Monday evening, with about 200 other passengers, when something got into him.

That something apparently being a little too much alcohol.

According to an FBI affidavit, Neal broke an interior window of the plane and then threatened to break the exterior window, telling screaming passengers that they would ``get sucked out and die.''

When another passenger who didn't much like the idea of being sucked out tried to intervene, Neal also shattered a video screen in front of his seat and assaulted the guy.

The pilot was forced to lock the cockpit door to keep Neal out. He apparently thought he could fly too.

This reminds us all that airplanes are like flying bars without bouncers. A tube lined with flimsy windows where people have nothing else to do but read old Newsweeks and get drunk.

And yet -- air carriers continue to tempt fate with their extensive selection of beverages.

That's why I was encouraged to see Rev. Jerry Falwell back in the news for going after a beer ad. He's taking on a Bud Light ad in a recent edition of EXP magazine. But it turns out that what he's protesting isn't the beer. It's the two young men who appear in the ad -- holding hands.

Because if there's anything more dangerous than beer, it's beer drunk by GAY PEOPLE!

At least all Mr Neal did was get drunk and threaten to suck passengers out of the plane. Thank goodness he didn't hold hands with the pilot. Maybe THAT's why they locked the door.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 BABY
Moved: 5/7/1999 7:34
CBS-BABY 5/7/99

Welcome to the New World. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

They were just one couple out of the thousands of Albanian refugees forced to leave their homes in Kosovo. Serbian paramilitary forces gave them 30 minutes to get out.

That was six weeks ago, before the NATO bombing started.

So Lebibe Karaliju and her husband picked up what they could and left.

They stayed in the camps -- until they managed to get aboard the first flight of Kosovo refugees to America. And yesterday, Mr and Mrs Karaliju became parents -- of a child born at Burlington County Memorial Hospital in New Jersey, USA.

As the doctor who delivered the baby said -- "This child could be President of the United States some day." Provided, of course, they don't ban soft money by then.

What do YOU think when you see those refugees arriving in America? Do you think "interlopers, here to steal American jobs?" 

Perhaps you wonder -- why would they want to come here? To this nation full of so much bad news, all those bad movies, unhealthy TV shows, violent video games? 

Or do you perhaps, see your grandparents?

It's easy to romanticize the whole idea of "Coming to America" to make a new life. It starts to sound corny. And earlier waves of immigrants weren't always treated well. Ellis Island certainly wasn't as pretty back then as it is today -- now that it's run by the Park Service.

But I think there is still plenty of truth to the myth.

Just ask Mr and Mrs Karaliju -- where ELSE they would have wanted their child to be born? The word America sounds pretty good to them. Heck, I bet even "New Jersey" sounds pretty good to them. And why not?

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 AIRLINE STUNT SLOW
Moved: 5/6/1999 7:52
CBS-AIRLINE STUNT-SLOW 5/6/99

Time for another edition of: News Read Real Slow. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. News Read Real Slow, the feature for those of you who think the reason you're baffled by the news is that we announcers read too fast.

Dateline LONDON: British Airways is on a drive to improve punctuality, and so, on a Sunday British Airways flight, the flight crew entered into a bet with with flight attendant Andrea O'Neill. Andrea bet the pilot on a flight from London to Genoa that he couldn't land ahead of schedule.

After a series of bets and double dares, an agreement was struck. If the plane landed early, Andrea would strip to her underwear, put on the captains hat and flight vest, and run around plane.

That day, the British Airways Flight from London to Genoa landed ten minutes early.

British Airways was not amused after hearing reports from the shocked baggage handlers who witnessed the payoff, but Ms O'Neill was allowed to continue in the job after apologizing.

Let's take this story REAL slow:

The British Airways Flight from London to Genoa landed ten minutes early.

The Airline Passengers Association holds news conferences, the FAA makes rules, the Senate holds hearings -- and STILL you're on the tarmac for two hours. But when it's Andrea O'Neill cinching up your seat belt, the plane lands ten minutes early.

And they made her APOLOGIZE?

Are they NUTS? Passengers will be LINING UP to fly with her.

Now this. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 CUBA BASEBALL
Moved: 5/4/1999 9:07
CBS2-CUBA 5/4/99

They came to play. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

Team Cuba proved last night that it could compete in the major leagues -- blowing out the Orioles 12-6. Some people didn't like the idea of the two-game series with Cuba. They were concerned about the political implications. That it might be seen as coddling Cuba, a tacit approval of Castro's communist system.

But I think I know what was REALLY dangerous about it.

Did you see the figure on the Cuban team's payroll?

$2250! That's a year. For EVERYONE. $2250 a year, and everyone of them returned to Cuba.

Now of course prices are controlled in Cuba, so your $2250 goes a lot farther than it would here.

But I don't think you'll see many full-size gyms in a Cuban players apartment.

No gyms, no expensive training, ALUMINUM bats -- and still they played great ball.

Well, we IMPORT or shirts and our shoes and our cars, what about an imported baseball league? When you can field a whole team for what a single American player would be paid for a few PITCHES, it opens up possibilities. Like 50 cent tickets. Hot dogs for a quarter. You could take your kids more than twice a year.

Heck you could take EVERYBODY's kids.

What am I saying? With a payroll of $2250 a year, a lot of us could own our own teams.

And we'd know exactly who to have umpire the games.

When a protestor came out with a sign saying Cuba SI, Castro NO, Cuban Umpire Cesar Valdez slammed him to the ground and and smacked him a few times before the police moved in. None of this hands-behind-the-back-I-can-shout-louder-than-you stuff, he just decked the guy.

I don't imagine you'd see players arguing balls and strikes when Cesar is behind the plate.

Or, say, SPITTING. 

Now this.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 VIOLENCE
Moved: 5/4/1999 9:07
CBS1-VIOLENCE 5/4/99

No time to lose. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

The latest poll on violence in the media shows people want more regulation; that the ratings in the corner of the TV screen aren't enough. Kids don't realize that if it says TV-14, and they're only 13, they're supposed to tape the show and watch it next year.

The USA TODAY/CNN/GALLUP poll says 56% of the polees wanted more regulation of TV. 

But it doesn't stop there. 58% wanted more regulation of video games, and 65% wanted more regulation of the Internet.

65%! That's almost two out of three Americans who are worried that their computers are inciting their kids.

But passing new regulations could take some time.

Angry parents could take to the streets and demonstrate, or they could track down the people who create these violent web sites and bang pots and pans outside their homes all night.

But all this takes time.

Here's what you do right now. Check your charge bill. You will notice that on your charge bill there's an item for $19.95 from a company with a name like "Compu-inter-web-tele-tech-net-dot-slash". What you want to do is stop paying that. 

I promise you within about a month, the internet won't be a problem.

And if you can't wait a month -- there is a little wire running from the back of your computer into a phone jack in the wall. Grab that wire with both hands, give it a sharp pull.

This will remove the wire from the wall, AND break off the plug.

The downside to this is that without access to the internet, your kid might start reading BOOKS.

And you know how tough THOSE are to regulate.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 STAR WARS
Moved: 5/3/1999 7:34
CBS2-STAR WARS 5/3/99

May the farce be with you. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

It happened with beany babies, with tickle me Elmo, with Cabbage patch dolls, -- and now it's happened again. At toy stores across America, hundreds turned out at midnight to wait in line for the latest line of Star Wars toys.

Some waited as long as six hours to be first in line for Darth Maul and space creatures called Jar Jar Binks.

What is it -- what drives Americans to wait in line at midnight to buy something that will probably be on the discount shelves, or even in happy meals a few months from now.

It is, of course, the allure of the forbidden. 

Americans want ANYTHING that's difficult to get.

If the maker of SPAM announced that their new vegetarian version is being released in a limited edition at 12:01, people would be lining up with piece of toast in their hands.

Well, maybe not.

But here's what it is -- it is.... It's fear.

It's the fear that if YOU don't get the Star Wars toy, it might go to some other parent's child. Making you a failure as a provider.

The parenting experts have us feeling so guilty about neglecting our children that we will find any opportunity we can to prove our love.

Dad-- gee! How'd you get this! "Oh, it was nothing son, I simply waiting in line for six hours in the rain with 400 other people, had to knock down a couple of the slower Dads, but son, you're worth it."

See -- and we blame the kids for being materialistic.

Well this has got to be stopped, and the only way to do it is through the kids. Kids -- do your parents a favor. Let them off the hook. 

Here's what you do.

When Dad presents you with the Jar Jar Binks, you say, "Dad, how did you get this" and he says "Son I merely waited in line for six hours, rain... wind... " You says thanks dad. But what I really wanted ... was a Furby.

Then run for your life.

Now this.

Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 SCHOOL THREATS
Moved: 4/30/1999 17:47
CBS1-HYSTERIA 4/30/99

It won't look so funny from a jail cell. This is Dave Ross on the CBS radio network.

With the nation on alert in light of the Columbine attack, schools are dealing with a spate of bomb threats and shooting threats. A handful of kids have found an easy wasy to hold their schools hostage -- become the next Harris and Klebold.

Thursday in Bakersfield, California a 13-year-old boy with a loaded handgun and a hit list of 30 names was arrested at Sierra Middle School after classmates said they saw a gun under his shirt and saw him loading it outside. He had a .40-caliber semiautomatic handgun and 13 rounds of ammunition.

And in his backpack, 30 pieces of paper, each one with the name of a classmate or teacher, a drawing and the words ``because they deserved to die'' scrawled at the bottom.

The boy's father was arrested for allegedly leaving the weapon on the floor of his closet where the boy had access to it.

In Enid, Okla., a school employee found a pipe bomb in a restroom of a high school Thursday. Classes were canceled.

A middle school in Petaluma, north of San Francisco, was evacuated after five suspected pipe bombs turned up in the backpacks of two students. They were fakes.

In Tavares, Fla., a 10th-grader managed to get all 39 Lake County schools evacuated by making a bomb threat. 27,000 students.

A threat found on the Internet led school officials in the Northwest Ohio town of Sylvana closed two high schools to seach tem after a threat was found on the Internet. An 18-year-old is under arrest for that. He said it was a prank.

There may be some young people who look at the new sympathy for school OUTCASTS and think they have a guaranteed excuse.

But I think they will be surprised. We are going to see a lot of pranksters in a lot more trouble than they expected. Remember kids, the parenbts opn those juries are NOT going to be YOUR parents.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS CICERO DAN
Moved: 4/30/1999 17:47
CBS-GANGS 4/20/99

Gangs non grata. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Gangs are the enemy of any nice quiet town. They mess up the scenery with graffiti. They disturb the peace with crime and violence. 

And there's no easy way to deal with them. You pursue drug trafficking, of course. Some towns have created laws that keep gang members from wearing certain colors and gathering in certain places. But now the bar has been raised. 

Cicero, Illinois has passed an ordinance that doesn't allow gang members - anywhere. Their new ordinance fines any known gang member who refuses to leave. $500 a day. If someone is on the police department's list of known gang members, they can be hauled before a magistrate -- with an attorney present, of course -- and unless they can come up with some compelling reason why they should be allowed to stay, they are ordered to the border on the spot.

One article pointed out the irony of this, since Cicero once welcomed Al Capone when Chicago chased him out during Prohibition. But he was just a BUSINESSMAN you see. Times have changed, and the gangs have got to go.

There IS a problem here, however. Kicking out the bad guys with a stroke of the pen is every town's dream.

But ... it's the neighboring town's nightmare -- because where are those exiled gang members going to go? They'll set up some gang refugee camp just across the border.

Which means there is not a moment to lose.

The citizens of Stickney, Oak Park, Berwyn -- they all have to pass ordinances exiling anyone who is exiled from Cicero. Set up a jurisdictional bucket brigade. Make those gang guys live out of their moving vans. You may be able to chase 'em clear into IOWA.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS CHEATING DAN
Moved: 4/30/1999 17:47
CBS-CHEATING

A big fat zero. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Here in America we have always agonized over whether our capitalist system is ethical and so business schools have started including ethics classes in the curriculum. We want to graduate future bosses who know that money isn't everything. It has to be honestly earned.

San Diego State has an ethics class -- Management 356, taught by professor Brian Cornforth. Now some students may think a class like this is window dressing.

But professor Cornforth takes it seriously. And so you can imagine his concern when he got an anonymous phone call from a student that others in the ethics class were cheating on the daily quizzes.

Quite a few of them. Somebody from his afternoon class was supplying the answer to student in the night class who took the same quizzes.

So Cornforth set a trap.

The next quiz he gave after receiving the tip -- he rearranged the questions. Same questions, different order. And he noticed something interesting. Of the 30 students got perfect scores on the first quiz, 25 got zeroes on the second.

Because, you see, their cheat sheets had only a series of answers.

The professor flunked them all.

I worry about this. That it happened in an ethics class, obviously. But also -- that management students could be so STUPID! They didn't even bother to think that the order of the questions might be changed. They thought that what had worked so well in the past would work forever. These are college students?
These are future managers? Who think they can follow the same formula over and over again and it will always work? These are our future bosses? 

Come to think of it, maybe that's not so surprising after all.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 TEASING
Moved: 4/28/1999 7:51
CBS2-TEASING 4/28/99

Sticks and stones. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

The pop analysis of the Littleton shootings has now turned to the role of teasing.

Apparently the suicidal shooters, Harris and Klebold were, among other things, called "fags" by other students. And the teachers did nothing about it. This has led to more calls for tolerance. And the unspoken message that the 90 pound weakling you tease today could blow up your school tomorrow.

I even hear that there is a new refrain at some schools. A kid will make some remark to another kid, and then think better of it and say, "you're not going to shoot me, are you?" 

There you go! We've finally found an effective way to teach manners! Be polite or DIE!

I am waiting for some lawyer to claim the latest disability -- teased child syndrome.

But I think we have two different issues here.

Issue number one -- adolescence. Issue number two -- ARMED adolescence.

This first you can't change. The second, you can!

If the problem is simply teasing, you might as well stop the investigation. Kids tease each other. I was teased. The bigger boys in my gym class forced me to stand in my underwear and salute! Can you imagine?

Does that mean it would somehow be understandable if I'd blown the jerks up? 

Kids will tease. They did it before Columbine; they'll do it AFTER Columbine.

The difference is the REACTION.

My mom used to tell me -- when I'd come home complaining of some crisis -- "I think you'll survive."

It was true. And if this nation is clever enough to stop arming its adolescents, perhaps it can be true again.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 NUCLEAR LEAKS
Moved: 4/28/1999 7:33
CBS1-NUCLEAR LEAKS 4/28/99

The secret is out. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

Now it turns out that the Los Alamos scientist suspect of leaking the secret of our small nuclear bombs to China -- may have leaked a lot more.

Now the New York Times reports that he copied data from computer simulations of nuclear explosions. That's the big enchilada. hat's how modern nations test their nuclear arsenals without shooting off bombs all the time. And he took this data and copied it into an INSECURE computer network where lots of people would have had access.

And sure enough, there are indications someone -- no one knows WHO yet -- logged on and took a peek.

Considering how fast even the stupidest jokes spread on computer networks, you can be sure that this stuff is probably all over the world by now.

Check your hard disk -- you may be a nuclear power!

And yet -- I am strangely un-worried by this. Punish the leakers -- of course.

But you know what secret I really want to protect -- Smart Bombs. 

Because unlike nuclear bombs, they're actually used. All the time. And by the GOOD guys. So you can't claim moral outrage, or go running to the UN to ban them like you can chemical weapons or biological weapons.

Even a guy like Saddam Hussein managed to restrain himself from using those. But if he'd had Smart bombs? Do you think the Knesset would have survived the Gulf War?

And as for Milosevic -- can you imagine if HE could move his cursor over a video screen and click on selected high rise buildings in American cities.

SO you FBI guys, you go ahead and find out who got those nuclear secrets, but PLEASE don't pull any agents off the Smart Bomb Detail to do it, OK? 
Index 

CBS2 TRENCH COAT
Moved: 4/28/1999 5:33
CBS-TRENCH COAT 4/21/99

Do not be scared. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Everyone is trying to learn about the Trench Coat Mafia -- the group that the suicidal killers in Littleton belonged to. You can find their philosophy on the Internet. They've got their own jargon, and their own music, but it's an old script.

They feel weak, and they want to be strong. So they adopt the tactic of the terrorist. They try to scare people. With their music, with their clothing, and sometimes, with their weapons.

At least they're rare. That's what I tell myself.

Yes, that's what I tell myself, but did you see the story from Seattle Tuesday? Police searching the suburban home of Stratton Maxey, found 40 pistols, 50,000 rounds of ammo, three cases of smoke grenades, shotguns, assault rifles, a rocket launcher, night vision equipment, and -- in the garage -- an armored personnel carrier. Had this guy lived in Serbia, NATO would have bombed him.

But he lived in SUB-urbia, and the neighbors saw military vehicles parked at his home from time to time, said nothing. Until Mr. Maxey blew off his hand in what he said was an "accident while making fireworks."

If you knew your neighbor had this stuff what would you do?

Being a patriot, a believer in freedom, there's only one thing you COULD do. You would tell yourself that weapons IN THEMSELVES are not dangerous. Even bombs, at least when properly constructed, are not dangerous.

And even IF your neighbor has an ammo dump, it is no reason to be scared.

Indeed if the day should ever come when our government attempts to tyrannize us, that guy with the armored personnel carrier in the garage will be your best friend. I keep telling myself that.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 SEARCH KIDS
Moved: 4/27/1999 6:50
CBS-SEARCH KIDS 4/26/99

You don't need a search warrant. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

Almost a week after the Littleton killings, the experts are still dueling over what to do to prevent the next tragedy.

But so far -- no clear solution has emerged.

We're getting lots of advice. on things we need to do more of.

More enforcement of gun laws. More armed guards in schools, more metal detectors, more restrictions on trenchcoats.

More anger management classes for kids, a school policy against bullying.

Spend more time with your children.

These could all help. But I have simple, practical idea which I haven't heard mentioned yet -- inspired by the search of Eric Harris' bedroom.

The investigators who searched the bedroom report finding the sawed-off barrel of a shotgun, and what are described as bomb-making materials. Sheriff John Stone says the barrel was clearly visible.

What does that tell you? It tells you the room hadn't been cleaned lately.

When I was growing up, you never knew when one day you'd come home, and find your room all cleaned up by mom. She wouldn't ask; there would be no warning; the room would finally cross some unseen threshold, and she'd take matters into her own hands.

It wasn't a search per se, but it had the same effect. You'd come home from school, and once the shock of neatness had worn off, you'd get a series of questions. What were you keeping this for? Do you really need this? Does you father know you have this? So while we wait for the answers, there IS one thing parents can easily do, without waiting for legislation or more expert advice.

Just clean out the kid's room.

The police need a warrant, but you don't. You own the place. You have the right keep it clean.

Maybe today's a good time.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross, on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 KILLERS PLAN
Moved: 4/27/1999 6:50
CBS-KILLERS PLAN 4/26/99

All too normal. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

There is a collective holding of breath as everyone waits to find out what the parents of Eric Harris and Plan Kebob knew.

Because as we learn more about the magnitude of their plans, we begin to think it's inconceivable that the parents DIDN'T know.

And yet -- friends portray them as doing everything involved parents are supposed to do. They attended the Little League games, took their sons swimming and fishing, planned family trips, and lived a quiet suburban life.

They celebrated Easter with neighbors, mowed their lawns, played basketball with their sons.

"Dream parents" is how one neighbor described Eric's Mom and Dad.
Supportive, not critical, never putting undue pressure on their son, and certainly not monsters.

And that's what's scary about the way this story is developing.

Normal kids who played Little League -- AND obsessed about Hitler.

Normal kids who went swimming and fishing -- and spent a year gathering pipe bomb materials.

Normal kids with involved parents -- who gathered guns and grenades and according to Harris' diary planned to hijack a plane and crash it into New York City after killing 500 people at their school.

Normal kids who managed to hide their dark side from their parents, even after posting it on the Internet. This cannot be true, we tell ourselves. These parents MUST have done something wrong.

Two-parent families who believe in Little League don't spawn killers.

We need a useable profile here, some outward sign we can all use to decide whether to be scared of the kid next door.

Because if it IS true -- that these were kids from healthy families -- and that there was no clue except the slight edge in Plan's voice as he said goodbye to his parents last Tuesday -- then it means the only sign we have of A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY -- IS their outward NORMALCY.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 ORLISTAT
Moved: 4/27/1999 6:50
CBS2-ORLISTAT 4/27/99

Eating as a mere formality. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

America officially has its first government approved fat blocker. It's called Orlistat, and USA today had a helpful little diagram showing how it works. 

We all have enzymes that break down the food we eat so it can enter the bloodstream and do us some good. And anything that CANNOT be broken down -- roughage, certain types of Tacos, plastic pouches containing controlled substances -- goes right through you.

What Orlistat does is block those enzymes so that more ordinary FAT goes right through you. Almost as if you had placed your cheese cake in a plastic pouch before swallowing it. Which we don't suggest, by the way.

The test group, which took three Orlistat pills every day for a year, lost an additional 6 and a half pounds -- beyond what the control group lost.

Which leads us to inquire -- is there an easier way to lose an extra 6 and a half pounds a year? Because even though Orlistat is intended for obese people, I have a feeling OTHERS may be tempted. So we should ask, is there an easier way to cut fat than paying $5 a day to take a pill that sends some of your food through your system undigested? I believe there is, and it's called "Food Snatching."

What's involved is that you serve yourself normal portion and then pay $5 to somebody in your family GRAB some of the food off the plate while you're not looking.

This works in restaurants too -- you offer the waiter five bucks to give half your food to some other customer before he brings it to you.

Or in the grocery store -- you pay the checker five dollars to put half your groceries in the food donation barrel.

This will NOT do the makers of Orlistat any good, and I apologize for that. But if YOU'RE not going to use your food, you might as well give someone else a crack at it.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 SICK SOCIETY
Moved: 4/23/1999 9:03
CBS-SICK SOCIETY 4/23/99

How sick are we really? This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

The effort to explain the actions of Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold is still coming up short. 

We heard they were both arrested last year for breaking into a van. And yet the court report on the two said Harris "excelled in school" and even enjoyed an anger management program, and that Klebold "learned a lot" from his community service.

They took an ethics class, and they wrote letters of apology.

They both came from two-parent families. Eric's father was a decorated Air Force pilot.

So is the problem a sick society? Something oozing up from the soil and tainting all of us?

Presidential Candidate Gary Bauer thinks so. America, he says, has a "virtue deficit."

Presidential Candidate Pat Buchanan seems to think so. ``At Littleton," he told reporters, "America got a glimpse of the last stop on that train to hell America boarded decades ago when we declared that God is dead..."

Is that really true? Are we seeing the results of a sick society? Did a "sick" society build that state-of-the-art high school for its kids? Did a sick society produce those students we saw hugging their parents, hugging each other -- the ones who protected each other during the ordeal? THAT sick society? Did a sick society produce Dave Sanders -- the teacher and coach who saved so many students, even as he was dying?

Did a sick Godless society fill those memorial services? 

If there is a sickness in America, it's among those who take a tragedy like this and bend it to their agenda before the facts are in.

This is NOT a sick society. This is a FREE society. You and I are not sick people. We love our children, and we do the best we can for them.

What is different is that the pictures are live now. What is different is that the information that was once carefully confined to a few -- and yes, the WEAPONS that were once carefully confined to a few -- are now available to all.

So that our failures -- which every society has -- are transformed from footnotes to headlines.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 KIDS IN BLACK
Moved: 4/23/1999 8:55
CBS2-KIDS IN BLACK 4/23/99

Kids in black. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

Now we get a chance to act on what we THINK are the early warning signs. Around the country stories are popping up about copycat behavior in schools.

Near Seattle, a student suggested he might be thinking of shooting up his school, then took and ax and killed a kitten. 17 years old. His mother, who has tried to get counseling for him, called police, who will investigate him for animal cruelty.

Outside Baton Rouge, a 14 year old boy took out a .22 and fired at a boy he didn't like. The bullet slightly wounded a 14 year old girl instead.

In a school outside San Francisco, there was a bomb threat -- school was evacuated. In Wylie, Texas, someone scrawled a threat on the cafeteria wall, so parents came and pulled their children out.

And students who show up in trench coats are likely to find themselves asked by the principal to please keep them in the lockers, or suspended.

But how do you know if it's enough?

Is a warning enough? Should a kid who does something suspicious be forced to get counseling? Should his parents be called in? Should the family computer be searched for suspicious messages? Should the family home be searched for weapons?

Will the decisions made in these cases be forgotten, or turn up next week as part of a finger wagging newspaper story?

I'm sure it goes through the mind of every school administrator.

For there is no red flag that pops out of a kid's head and says "tomorrow, at 11:15, I will go off the deep end."

But for the next few weeks, maybe the next few months -- it'll be no trenchcoats. No big talk. No jokes. Kids will protest -- LOTS of people wear black. Priests wear black. Half the population of Paris wears black.

But parents are scared. This hits too close to home, and all over America it's airport rules.

Young people, be advised -- nothing is funny just now.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 WARNINGS
Moved: 4/22/1999 11:02
CBS-WARNINGS

Who missed the warning light? This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Here's the latest tip off that Eric Harris and Dyland Klebold were up to no good. Monday, the day before the massacre, a neighbor painting a fence heard one boy ask the other for a baseball bat, followed by the sound of breaking glass in the garage. He did not call police. A detective later said the glass was probably used as shrapnel for the pipe bombs.

So now we add that to the other clues. The trenchcoats, the teasing, the violent computer games they played, and what have we got? 

Well YOU tell me.

Let's thow everything in -- one of them took a bowling class. They were nerdy. They were white. Kids called them gay.

What have got now?

I'll tell you what we've got: two people out of a school of 1800. Two people who represent a tenth of a percent of the population of this school. That means 99.9% of the kids that day did nothing violent. On Monday, if Columbine high school had put out a press release saying our school is 99.9% violence-free, parents would feel GREAT.

Today, we are focused on the one-tenth of one percent, and suddenly things which had no significance 48 hours ago begin to look like prophecy.

There's only one way to assess whether anybody "should have known" what was about to happen. I can do it right now.

Do any of you listening know of a kid who you think is about to attack his school with firearms?

Forget Columbine for the moment, I'm asking you to look ahead. Do you know of a kid who is about to blow up his school. If you do, call the police! If you say, well Dave, I'm not THAT sure, then OK, call the kid's parents. And if you say Dave, I can't do that, it's none of my business, then you have just demonstrated why all these so-called warnings were ignored.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 GUNS AND KIDS
Moved: 4/22/1999 11:02
CBS2-GUNS AND KIDS 4/22/99

The Pollsters wasted no time! This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

The pollsters were on the phone last night asking people how scared they were about school violence. 55% now fear for their child's safety in school according to the Gallup Poll.

And how could you not?

Columbine High had everything all of us parents want in a school -- Drama Club, Video Production class, Computer simulation equipment. 

The Denver Post says that the first thing Eric Harris did Tuesday was show up at his 6:15 a.m. bowling class! The school even had a bowling alley! So he goes bowling in the morning, then five hours later comes back in a trenchcoat to blow up his school.

Maybe it's that these kids have too much. Nice homes, one kid drove a BMW, access to the Internet -- THAT'S the problem. These kids are too rich!

But wait a second -- remember when violence was a problem of the urban ghetto? Back then were were saying people were too POOR! That's why we suburbanites left!

Maybe they saw the wrong movies. Presidential Candidate Gary Bauer talked about the role of violent movies. "In the America I want," he told his audience, "those Hollywood producers and directors wouldn't be able to show their faces in public because you and every other American would point to them and say 'Shame, shame, shame!'

Yeah -- and then watch the Academy Awards for four hours.

Asked if perhaps guns had as much to do with it as Hollywood, he said, the problem is not the availability of weapons but the hearts of those who use them.

I suppose. But, alas, there is a First Amendment that is every bit as valid as the Second Amendment.

If this is about what the GOVERNMENT should be doing, I suppose we could have the police try to predict which kid is going to blow up his school -- by examining the movies he sees, the videogames he plays, and how he dresses, maybe issue parenting citations.

But we could also have them make it just a LITTLE tougher for kids to set up their own arsenals, right?

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS LOTTERY DISPUTE
Moved: 4/20/1999 8:27
CBS-LOTTERY DISPUTE 4/20/99

O Fortuna! This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

From MOBILE, Alabama comes the story of Ton da Dicker son, a Waffle House waitress who often got a lottery ticket as a tip.

One of the regular breakfast customers, Edward Seward, R., would tip ALL the employees with tickets. And so it was no big deal when on March 7th Ton da got an envelope with her name on it and a Florida lottery ticket inside.

Until the lottery ticket ended up being worth ten million dollars, and Ton da ended up in court, sued by her co-workers who say they had a deal to split the winnings. Ton da doesn't remember any deal -- but her co-workers remember it like it was yesterday.

``It was always stated that if we hit, we split,'' said co-worker Matthew Adams. 
Gee -- How could Ton da forget an agreement like that? It even rhymes.

But it was never put in writing, and so it will be up to a jury to decide whether "If we hit, we spilt" constitutes a legal contract.

And that's not all. During Monday's testimony, Mr. Seward, the customer who handed out the tickets, said he expected Ton da to share something with HIM too. "I want me a truck" is his exact quote.

This doesn't rise to the poetic level of the other agreement -- maybe if he'd said "If you get lucky, I want a trucky" -- but others heard him say it so maybe it'll stick.

Ah, how fortune can change people. Piece of advice.

If you think ANY part of a Lottery ticket is yours, take it right there.

If think you own a fifth of the ticket, go up to the person who has it, and ask to tear off a quarter of it. If the person says something ... discouraging -- such as, "Are you NUTS? Keep your grubby hands off my ticket!" You might want to get it in writing.

Now this.

Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS BLOCKADE
Moved: 4/20/1999 7:30
CBS-BLOCKADE 4/20/99

The invisible hand. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

First, NATO's latest diplomatic challenge -- the blockade: it's frustrating to bomb refineries over and over again only to see ships full of fuel dock at Yugoslav ports. NATO generals would like to stop that, but they can't actually blockade shipping because that would be an act of war, and this isn't a war. So the search is on for some OTHER word they can use that will describe the act of stopping ships.

"We're not blockading ships, merely enhancing their non-movement!" -- I'm sure NATO has staff people working on the exact wording right now.

Next -- as for the matter of whether to send or not to send ground troops -- the latest Presidential candidate to say send 'em in is Elizabeth Dole.

If ground troops are needed, then ``so be it,'' she says. We might as well get them into position now.

She joins John McCain and others who say the President is wrong to rule them out. But after this morning's NATO briefing I get the feeling someone else wants ground troops as well.

You may have missed the briefing. They've become predictable and dull. The pictures are desensitizing us. But today's litany of atrocities included Serbs allegedly taking Kosovar boys to use as human shields or living blood banks. Men forced to stand in front of tanks in the rain for two days as human shields. And tear gas used to smoke people out of houses to shoot them.

And we ask, who would give such orders. What kind of monster -- even in war time -- would adopt such tactics.

I think I know. A monster who has spent the last month digging in. A monster who ALSO wants NATO to send in ground troops.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 TV WAR
Moved: 4/19/1999 11:31
CBS-TV WAR 4/19/99

Things are seldom what they seem. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

NATO has now reported on the attacks on what turned out to be civilian convoys. Last week, Serbian TV broadcast gruesome videos showing exploded tractors and dead civilians.

NATO did not have very good answers at the time. And reporters were openly skeptical. NATO briefings began sounding like White House news conferences. Reporters demanded to know how the military vehicles NATO claimed to be targeting magically transformed themselves into tractors by the time Serb TV arrived.

Today we found out. The Yugoslav army mixes up its convoys, and some of those victims appeared to have been killed by gunshots, not bombs.

Of course, do we know that even THAT is true?

About the only thing we CAN say with certainty is this: that a month into this war, the international press is still trying to figure out if NATO is the good guy or not.

What about you? What do you think. We Americans are bombarded with all sorts of conflicting information every day about everything from our politicians to our investments. How do you figure out the truth in a war like this?

There should be ONE factor that tips the scale.

That the American pilots, and everyone involved in their mission, from the mechanics to the generals, are the products of our communities.

They went to our schools, and our churches. We know their parents, their wives, their husbands, their children.

To believe that all the pictures NATO presents are nothing but lies and propaganda, is therefore to believe that our communities have produced thousands people who are hopelessly corrupt, and would quietly go along with a hopelessly corrupt enterprise.

That's pretty tough for me to accept.

Now this.

Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS PRISONER
Moved: 4/19/1999 11:31
CBS-PRISONER 4/19/99

Beat 'em with kindness. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

NATO now has a prisoner of war: a Yugoslav army officer, captured last week by the Kosovo Liberation army and turned over to the Western alliance. That brings the NATO POW count to one.

And NATO, we are told, will treat him by the book. Red Cross visits; the right to correspond with his family. 

But I would be surprised if they stop there.

I have a feeling it will be Business Class all the way for this most fortunate of soldiers.

Never mind Red Cross visits, I wouldn't be surprised if Captain Steubing shows up.

Never mind letters to his family -- I wouldn't be surprised if they give him his own newspaper column.

I see the potential here for a very effective psychological tactic, especially as supplies for the Yugoslav army begin to run low.

I'm not sure if the rules of war allow this -- there might be prohibitions against being TOO nice to POW's.

But while all those ground troops are stationed in Macedonia waiting for the call that everyone swears will never come, why not keep them busy? Why not keep them busy building the most gorgeous POW camp the world has ever seen?

No quonset huts, no barbed wire fences. Instead -- queen size beds, continental breakfast, espresso machines, lap pool, treadmill, sauna, business center, free HBO. 

Indeed, such a camp would not need a fence. And if it DID need a fence, it would be to keep members of the Yugoslav army from elbowing past the refugees to get IN -- after those letters to home have been passed around.

If it's de-population they want -- well, TWO sides could play that game.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS SAT EXOTIC(Fuller)
Moved: 4/16/1999 7:37
CBS-SAT-EXOTIC 4/16/99 Dan--50 

Strip for the state. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

"Government" and "exotic dancing" are usually at odds with one another. Typically the government's role in matters involving exotic dancing is telling us where and how close we can view those who are dancing exotically. Government tries to maintain a careful separation between skin and state. And you can see why. Exotic dancing is not a healthy activity.

The state would rather have you thinking about healthy state-sponsored activities like Lottery tickets.

And yet, the State of Florida not only tolerates exotic dancing, it is now trying to recruit exotic dancers. It has placed newspaper ads that read as follows: "Exotic Dancers 40 hours per week, seven p.m. to three a.m." -- hey! Flex-time!

The ad goes on: "11 dollars an hour. Four years experience preferred. Perform modern dances, coordinating body movements to musical accompaniment."

And why would the state of Florida be recruiting exotic dancers?

Because in the little town of Stuart, Florida, clubs were so low on exotic dancers they were going to import foreign ones. However, under the US Alien Labor Certification program, before you are allowed to import foreign workers, you must try to get locals. So the United State Department of Labor required Florida to search for LOCAL exotic dancers.

And thanks to that rule, one day, as you sit in the dark in Stuart, Florida, watching a naked woman coordinating her body movements to musical accompaniment, you will be able to tell yourself -- that woman there is an American woman, and that tattoo is on American skin.

And you can be proud.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS*ANTI SMOKING(AVAIL)
Moved: 4/16/1999 7:36
CBS-ANTI-SMOKING 4/16/99 (AVAILABLE)

Stop smoking -- FREE. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

The new anti-smoking ads are coming. With all that tobacco settlement 
money sloshing around, ad agencies will come up with some pretty 
slick campaigns. We'll see ACTUAL teens smoking and suffereing for 
it, or not smoking and thriving.

Of course this all assumes that TV ads can stop addiction. It also assumes 
that the jaded generation will accept anti-smoking messages from the very same states 
which are ceaselessly trying to hook them on Lottery tickets.

If it DOESN'T work -- and smoking continues to increase among teens and young adults -- the pressure will be ON to see that cigarettes are made illegal -- so that in addition to paying smokers medical costs we'll be paying for their meals and their probation officers.

But there is a simpler way. It comes from Mandy, a woman I know nothing 
about, but who called my talk show to say she stopped her grown children 
from smoking without help from television.

CART 6898

No copywriters, no working lunches with the creative team, just a clever and 
unscrupulous grandma in cahoots with a five year old.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 KEVORKIAN
Moved: 4/16/1999 7:16
CBS-HUNGER STRIKE 4/16/99

Jack should be glad he lost. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

Dateline DETROIT -- Jack Kevorkian told his lawyer he has abandoned plans to go on a hunger strike. 

You remember that Dr. Kevorkian said that if he was sent to prison he would turn it into a death sentence by refusing to eat.

The story says he changed his mind after his lawyer told him "Jack, if you're not here, how can we pursue the very cause we wanted to pursue through the Supreme Court?"

However the story also notes that the same day Kevorkian went to prison, state prison officials announced they had reversed their policy on force-feeding. Under the old policy, any prisoner who didn't eat could be force-fed. Under the policy, Kevorkian would have been allowed to starve himself.

It was sometime after that Kevorkian realized that the cause was too important. So he will be around a while longer.

Now consider this scenario. Consider a world where Kevorkian WINS his case. Where juries acquit people like Dr. Kevorkian on the grounds that they don't look like murderers, and if a victim wants to be killed, it's OK.

And in that hypothetical world, imagine a prisoner announces he's going on a hunger strike, and is bundled off to prison.

A few months later his emaciated body shows up in an emergency room. People raise questions. There are rumors he might have changed his mind. The autopsy even found poison. But the jailers all testify that nope, he said he wanted to go, and they only poisoned him because he wanted the suffering to end. 

So there's no investigation. Because in this world, where even poison in someone's veins is not evidence of a crime, there can be nothing suspicious about the death of a guy who SAID HE WANTED TO GO.

Now this. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 ARE THEY RIGHT
Moved: 4/16/1999 7:15
CBS-ARE THEY RIGHT 4/16/99

Could they really mean it? This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

For weeks there has been a steady drumbeat from some congressmen and commentators for a ground operation in Kosovo. And each time the president and NATO say there are no plans at this time.

Could it be they really mean it?

I know the conventional talk show wisdom is that everything Bill Clinton says is a big fat lie -- but would the 18 other NATO countries really go along with a lie?

Because I think they mean it.

And as I watch this week's events, I can see why.

Everybody talks about the Gulf War and how we used ground troops there. But remember -- we used ground troops for 100 hours. About four days. Then we declared victory without going to Baghdad.

That proves America will support a ground war. But a ground war in the open desert against an enemy that has been bombed silly, and which is over in four days.

Reporters have been beating NATO up all week for hitting a train and a tractor convoy. Both were hit by a plane at 15,000 feet. When the good guys make a mistake at 15,000 feet and get beat up for it, imagine what will happen if the good guys make a mistake on the ground at 100 yards? And if there's this big an outcry over victims we don't know -- imagine what it will be like for victims we do.

As long as there are no ground forces, no draft, and not too many mistakes, public opinion will probably permit NATO to bomb for many months. Bombing Yugoslavia could become one giant ongoing joint military exercise. But the moment ground troops go in, the clock starts ticking.

Because the pictures can only get worse.

Now this.

Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 MISTAKE
Moved: 4/15/1999 7:38
CBS1-MISTAKE 4/15/99

The perfect war remains elusive. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

NATO had admitted to another accident. 

A pilot who was following a trail of burning villages saw what he thought was a military arson operation.

He makes several passes over these vehicle to make doubly sure they're bad guys -- or as well as you can do it from 15,000 feet -- and shoots.

When the video comes back from Serb TV, the military vehicles aren't military vehicles at all, but tractors carrying refugees.

SO now for the second day in a row, NATO has confessed, and even incriminated itself. We heard from the pilot who hit the tractors, we saw the bomb hit the train. NATO is guilty.

But now I'm waiting for the battle video from the Yugoslav forces. Because I want to see how all those villages accidentally caught fire. I want to hear annoyed reporters pepper Yugoslav generals about the matching horror stories of so many refugees. To explain how masked gunmen accidentally terrorized people by accidentally holding guns to their heads and telling them to leave or be shot.

We mustn't sneer too much, of course. NATO is supposed to set the example. NATO is supposed to be conducting a neat Martha Stewart war, and for the second day in a row, NATO has screwed up.

So here's a suggestion. NATO should take a vote of confidence. Among the refugees.

Ask the refugees whether the war should continue. They're the reason NATO is there -- ask them, and abide by the result. If they vote to forgive NATO its mistakes, NATO stays. If they vote that NATO is worse than what they left, NATO apologizes, and leaves. And the refugees may return to the loving arms of Slobodan Milosevich, who is only, after all, trying to protect his nation from invasion, and who never makes mistakes.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 STARR
Moved: 4/15/1999 7:15
CBS2-STARR 4/15/99

Are we awake? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

Did you tune across the TV dial yesterday. Weren't you terrified? There they were again -- the faces that burned themselves into a hundred million TV screens.

They were summoned back by three events which coincided in a very spooky way -- a jury set Susan McDougal free, a judge found the President in contempt, and Congress took testimony on the Special Counsel law.

And so for two days you could surf the cable channels and think it was 1998. All the Susans were back -- Smiling Susan McDougal, the extremely blond Susan Carpenter McMillan, and judge Susan Weber-Wright. And there was steely-eyed Bob Barr, homespun Lindsey Graham, and the gentle puppetmaster himself -- Kenneth Starr -- they were all back. 

It was like you woke up from a nightmare, only to find you're still in the dream.

And the anchors were speaking the SAME phrases! Did he lie, did his mislead, "preponderance of evidence" I even heard the name Webster Hubbell mentioned (CRASH-HORROR-4)

Why someone start yelling into the anchor's earphone -- we DID this topic for a year! The audience has it memorized. 

It's over. Discuss the flat tax. Discuss Dan Quayle.

Let me hasten to add that there WAS a redeeming aspect to the coverage -- most on the interviewees, significantly Kenneth Starr -- agreed that it was time to get rid of the independent counsel law. And asked by USA Today if he was ready to step out of public life, he said, ``Yes, very much." But then he added:

(QUOTE)

``I've never been able to say no to public service.''

(CRASH-HORROR-4)

No, Ken, please, we love you. We're grateful! But you've DONE your public service! Just say no!

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 CHERRY TREES
Moved: 4/14/1999 9:33
CBS-CHOMPED CHERRY TREES 4/13/99

The OTHER side of the beaver story. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

By now you must have heard --several times-- the story of the beavers who have been eating Washington DC's famous cherry trees.

Trappers think they have now caught the last of them -- a male, nicknamed "Big Daddy" -- who, like the others, was caught in a humane trap.

A cute little story, but I can't help wondering if we're being told the truth. We seem to be getting only one point of view about the beavers. We're getting the park service line about "humane traps." Trying have it BOTH ways. Protect the cherry trees AND the beavers.

If the Yugoslav press had been covering this beaver story, we'd get the details the Park Service has been censoring. We would learn how in fact the beavers had been there first. That the cherry trees moved in from a foreign land -- and simply took over the tidal basin.

While the beavers were only trying to live as they had lived since the 14th century. We would learn that cherry trees are in fact not pretty at all, but quite ugly. It would be pointed out that when their blossoms fall they get all over the place, and are impossible to clean up, and the best solution for everyone would indeed be to chop them down.

And that's all the heroic beavers were doing when an agency which was not directly threatened -- the National Park Service -- decided to ignore history and take the side of the cherry trees. The beavers resisted -- many traps were destroyed and 88 park rangers were lost, but of course you won't hear that from the Park Service and its press lackeys.

And while the beavers may APPEAR demoralized, they are now in fact unified ... behind Big Daddy.

Now this.

Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 ROBERT TRELLER
Moved: 4/14/1999 7:32
CBS-ROBERT TRELLER 4/14/99

Where is Robert Treller. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

I still cannot believe it. Robert Treller has been signing letters from Publisher's Clearing House ever since I can remember. Personal letters too. Heart wrenching letters.

In one recent letter, he talks about his air combat service. He's pushing a video featuring air force footage and he writes:

``I've flown combat in the Air Force and I know what it's like to have flak popping all around you. ... And thanks to this video, once again I can see these giant creatures settling down to land with their fuselage almost dragging on the air strip, battle-weary but alive.''

I just want to shake that man's hand. 

And yet -- according to the Wisconsin Attorney General, there is no Robert Treller.

According to arguments in Wisconsin's lawsuit against Publisher's Clearing house, Robert H. Treller is a fiction. Made up. Just a way of getting people to buy books and videos that will collect dust.

And not only that, Publisher's Clearing House admits it. They say it's no different than Betty Crocker, and Josephine the Plumber, and Uncle Sam.

Are we going to buy this line people? 

Everybody I know has been getting letters from Robert H. Treller since they were kids. ANd for some of us, quite frankly, he's the only one who bothers to write anymore. Everybody else I know corresponds with two-line e-mail messages. "Dear Dave -- how are you? We're still alive, love Dad."

I got to KNOW Robert H. Treller. Robert H. Treller is a friend of mine. And Betty Crocker is no Robert H. Treller. 

So he's a little deceptive. Maybe he didn't fly air combat. Maybe he isn't personally saddened when I don't send my sweepstakes number back.

But at least he paid attention to me. And at least he writes -- despite his combat injuries.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 KEVORKIAN
Moved: 4/14/1999 7:31
CBS-KEVORKIAN 4/14/99

He fought the law, and the law won. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian wanted to push the envelope. He wanted to find out where the line was between assisted suicide, and murder. He found it Tuesday when the judge sent him straight to jail for INJECTING POISON INTO Thomas Youk.

So the crusade that began nine years ago with the first assisted suicide in the back of a rusted Volkswagen van, comes to an end.

The judge sent him to jail even though the victims relatives pleaded for him. Even though they said Mr. Youk wanted to die. Even though they said that what Jack Kevorkian did wasn't a crime but an act of compassion.

Kevorkian's defenders will say -- how could the judge do this? Look at this man: does he look like a murderer? 

Well no, he doesn't look like Jeffrey Dahmer.

But there's a reason the judge had to do what she did, and it's not that just that he gave the tape to 60 minutes.

The judge had to put him away or else every two-bit criminal would adopt the Kevorkian defense. That being -- (A) "My victim asked for it" and (B) "Do I look like a murderer."

Well show me the murderer who LOOKS like a murderer when he finally gets to the courtroom. They all look like Disney characters. Once they cover the tattoos.

And can't you just see one of 'em standing up and saying -- but your honor -- my victims asked me to inject 'em. And heck I only killed 12. That guy Kevorkian, he killed 130. And he left 'em in hotel rooms. At least I buried them in shallow graves. Do I look like a murderer?

The medical profession still has to ask itself why some patients would rather die in Kevorkian's van than go on living.

But Jack Kevorkian screwed up big. In trying to set a legal precedent for assisted suicide, he unwittingly would have set a precedent for plain old murder. 

Now this.

Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS TV ADS
Moved: 4/13/1999 6:55
CBS-TVADS 4/13/99

More TV, less show. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

It's official. Experts whose job it is to sit in front of the TV and time commercials have found that the number of ads in prime-time television is soaring.

An average hour of prime-time TV contained 15 minutes, 44 seconds of advertising last November, a jump of 25 seconds over the year, and the most recorded since measurements began in 1989. Yikes! First global warming, now THIS.

And it's REALLY bad on cable.

E! Entertainment Television, TBS and MTV all had just over 18 minutes of ad time during the average hour. Which tells me the cable industry is run by some very clever people. They get us to pay $39.95 a month to watch more commercials than the free stations!

And daytime TV -- lost cause -- now over 20 minutes hour.

But let's be fair. Divide your Sunday paper between the news section and the ads sometime.

We just have our paper carrier toss it into the recycling bin and then we take out what we want.

Or the typical cereal box -- one big ad with a few ounces of flakes inside.

Ads happen. 

Even on PBS. I'm not talking about Sesame street being sponsored by the letter "Q" -- Sesame Street is officially "commercial free." But I notice your toy store isn't giving away the Big Bird doll. I SURE don't see kids lining up to buy the letter "Q"

So TV ads are a fact of life. 

But let's try to be positive -- LOOK AT ALL THE CRITICISM TV GETS FOR THE GARBAGE IT DISHES OUT. 

The more time TV spends on ads, the less time it can spend celebrating perversion, spreading violence, and promoting promuscuity. 

Now this.

Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 GROUND TROOPS
Moved: 4/12/1999 7:39
CBS1-GROUND TROOPS 4/12/99

When are ground troops not really ground troops. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

Now that Congress is back at the Capitol the debate over sending ground forces to Kosovo will be even more intense. But according to the New York Times, some Americans are not going to wait for that debate to be settled.

They are going to take action. No, they're not going to write letters, or carry signs -- they're just going to GO. 

A group of Albanian-Americans is headed to Albania to join the Kosovo Liberation Army.

Last Thursday they gathered in a North Bergen, New Jersey catering hall to hear calls of "fight the big beast" and "liberate the motherland", and by Saturday, they were 400-strong in the parking lot of the Royal Regency Hotel in Yonkers -- wearing uniforms bought at an Army-Navy surplus store, ready to fly to a KLA training camp.

They are Americans now, they have made new lives here, their relatives don't want them to leave, but the tug is too strong. They've been supporting the KLA with their money, but money can only buy the gun -- it can't pull the trigger.

So they will go. 

And the US government will not stop them. It's not like they're trying to got to Cuba after all, just Albania, and they are free to travel.

Maybe THAT'S how America will finally save the world -- because no matter what the ethnic group, there are probably members of it living somewhere in America. People who maintain a passion for their homeland, who understand an open society, and who have the money to take matters into their own hands.

What is it the President keeps saying? "We have no intention of sending ground troops."

But there are about 500,000 Americans of Albanian descent in this country. And the President has said NOTHING about ground troops sending themselves.

Now this. 

Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 CONCEPTION
Moved: 4/12/1999 7:38
CBS2-CONCEPTION 4/12/99

The new family planning. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

This is it, married couples -- your last chance to have a sexual encounter that could pay off more than it usually does. The window for conceiving the first baby of the millennium is closing, and to get you in the mood -- I have for you a love poem.

Just read her this:

It is something that I promised dear, the day I said I do
I would put you on a pedestal and be forever true.
But think my dear, consider well, that we could BOTH be famous
If by 8:00 tonight our passions suddenly overcame us.
For the formula is simple, and you do not need a Pentium
To time our child so he becomes the first of the Millennium.
And so I have decided to arrange a small vacation
In hopes that I get lucky -- at the time of ovulation
As you see I've lit the candles, dimmed the lights, and poured the wine
And my eyes are looking into yours, while glancing at the time.
I shall whisper you sweet nothings as I feel the passion grow
And conclude by saying gently -- "On your mark, get set, lets GO!"
And secretly -- I'll fantasize of fame that is to come
How photographers will snap as Y-2-K kid sucks his thumb
How they'll watch him eat his applesauce, and watch him passing gas
As we auction off his diapers, and the water from his bath.
Of course these hopes and dreams could very quickly come to naught
If the reproductive system doesn't do the things it ought
And even with the timing, and though you be young and fecund --
Some couple in Bulgaria could beat us a second.
In which case, we shall tell ourselves, at least we had some fun
And besides, the REAL millennium is in two-thousand ONE.
Yes even if it doesn't work, I promise you, no tears
-- Maybe I'll get lucky in another thousand years.

Now this.

Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 BLOODTHIRSTY
Moved: 4/9/1999 7:45
CBS2-BLOODTHIRSTY 4/9/99

Golly, some people are bloodthirsty! This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

This IS a confusing time if you're trying to choose up sides. Hawks are doves, doves are hawks. You have democrats talking war, and republicans talking peace. Then you have some from both parties saying we hate war, but if we have war, it must be all out, bomb 'em back to the 14th century...

I have one e-mail saying if they want to fight over something that happened in the 14th century, we'll make sure they do it with 14th century weapons.

But there is one point of view I don't understand.

Those who criticize NATO because it hasn't killed enough people.

Have you heard that argument? That NATO is trying to have it both ways. That by aiming at only military targets, and issuing profuse apologies when the bombs miss and hit something else, it betrays weakness.

That until we cause some serious casualties, the world will laugh.

And then there's all this agitation to send in troops -- why? It looks to me like the air force has plenty of targets to hit. SOMETHING is blowing up down there.

And if there's ANY possibility you can get peace without sending in troops, why not? Why is that somehow cowardly?

Since March 24th, NATO has indeed waged an unusual kind of war -- a war of disarmament. A war designed to wrestle the enemy to the ground and get the cuffs on, instead of level the countryside.

A war that, as absurd as it sounds, is trying to be humane. And it's a little too easy for those of us who sit here pounding out commentary in comfortable offices to be telling the military they should put troops in. 

We're not held to account.

We don't have to call the families. 

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS TV TARGETS
Moved: 4/9/1999 7:43
CBS-TV TARGETS 4/8/99

NATO takes on TV format. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

It's not surprising that TV stations would be attacked during a war. Usually they're the first to go. It's actually remarkable that Serbian TV has been able to broadcast unmolested since the NATO started bombing. Each night you can tune in on C-SPAN and see the same pictures you see on CNN, except the Serb announcer uses the term "naked aggression" a lot. And talks about how the refugees are terrorists and terrorist sympathizers.

Well NATO has had enough. They don't think tey're getting a fair shake. They think that if the Serbian TV audience get more balanced coverage, they'd feel a little better about being bombed.

So during this mornings' NATO briefing, British Air Commodore David Wilby insisted on equal time.

He indicated that NATO is losing patience with the Serbian version of the news, and could be considered a target, but said it would be spared under one condition.

That it provide equal time for the other side.

And he was specific. So there would be no confusion over what he's asking.

He said that if President Milosevich would provide equal time, for three hours sometime between noon and 6 p.m., and for another three-hour period between 6 p.m. and midnight, then the TV and radio stations would be spared.

The NATO hour. Uplifting programming. "Touched By A Missile." SO the Serbian people would come away thinking -- "Oh, so THAT'S why they're doing it. Well OK then! What were we thinking!"

Of course more likely, the Serb anchor will read NATO news releases in a voice dripping with sarcasm, and wearing a paper bag with a target on it.

Then NATO will have to issue a NEW threat. Take the paper bag off or we bomb.

I worry about NATO sometimes. Just because you know how to blow things up doesn't necessarily make you smart.

The really creepy thing is if that THSI is the way you accomplish equal time, I actually can think of quite a number of radio stations here which would make tempting targets.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 MISSILES
Moved: 4/9/1999 7:42
CBS1-MISSILES 4/9/99 

I guess now WE can start wearing the bulls eyes. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

There is apparently some question about whether it's true or not. But there it was on the Associated Press this morning.

Dateline, MOSCOW. Russia's parliament speaker claimed today that President Boris Yeltsin has ordered Russian strategic missiles be targeted at NATO nations because of airstrikes against Yugoslavia.

The speaker of the Russian Parliament told the Interfax news agency that the president had given the order to aim missiles at NATO countries.

However, another news agency checked with the chief of the Strategic Missile Forces, Col. Gen. Anatoly Perminov, and he said no such order had been received.

So what can we make of this. Ought we to be worried.

He reportedly gives an order to retarget the missiles, and tells the Speaker of the Russian Duma -- which, by the way, will consider next week whether to impeach Yeltsin -- who then tells the world; but NOBODY picks up the phone and tells the guy actually in charge of the missiles.

Hmmm. Well it's tough to tell what's actually happening, but as I understand it, Russia, economically, is not a powerhouse just now. In fact, it can't even meet the military payroll.

And as I recall, from time to time, Russia asks for big international loans from big international banks. International banks which are located in capital cities. Typically NATO capital cities, I'm pretty sure.

It's true we don't have a missile defense system here in the West, but we do have those BANKS.

And I don't think you can loan radioactive money. I'm sure it's against some OSHA regulation.

So, do what you have to Boris. But don't come crying to us if the ATMs don't work.

Now this.

The is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS SAT NAKED
Moved: 4/9/1999 7:41
CBS-SAT-NAKED 4/9/99 -- Dan--50

Keep your pants on. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

Former Green Bay Packer and lifelong preacher Reggie White has a new crusade.

The man who used ot slam homosexuals in the Wisconsin Legislature and quarterbacks on Sundays is now against women in the locker room. 

Never mind that we had this debate years ago and the women won -- Reggie says in his new book that male athletes should never appear naked in front of any woman they are not married to. He also seems to question the true motives of the female reporters. He says he's seen some of them taking more than a professional intersted in the athletes they interview.

And if equal treatment means banning ALL reporters from locker rooms, then so be it.

Because let's face it. Some of the MEN might be doing a little ogling too.

You know, he may HAVE something here. I've never been able to figure out why reporters interview athletes at ALL. Have you ever learned ANYTHING from a post game interview? And Reggie's idea that male athletes should never appear naked in front of any woman they are not married to. That could help keep out-of-wedlock children off the cover of Sports Illustrated.

But as for female reporters ogling athletes in locker rooms -- it takes two to ogle.

I'll bet many of you have been in locker rooms. I play squash once a week, so I'm pretty familiar with locker rooms. Locker rooms facilities vary. some are simple, some luxurioous, but they all have one thing in common. TOWELS. Towels EVERYWHERE. BIG towels.

Any athlete who finds himself ogled can easily correct the problem by picking up any one of the 10,000 towels within three feet of where he's standing.

Unless of course ... he likes it. 

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 WINNING
Moved: 4/7/1999 7:32
CBS1-WINNING 4/7/99

Could NATO win? This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

I know the conventional wisdom is that NATO is losing. Some of the Generals have distanced themselves from the decision to go to bomb. CIA is saying "wasn't our idea!" "A foreign policy disaster" said a former National Security adviser. Heck, the President himself called the bombing the best of a bunch of bad options.

But if NATO is losing ... why would Yugoslavia be proposing a cease-fire? It could be that President Milosevic suddenly found himself bursting with Easter-inspired Goodwill. But could there be an alternative explanation?

Could is be that there is rubble where ammo dumps once were? Twisted metal instead of aircraft hangars? Could it be because NATO has not split up? That Russia has done nothing except contribute relief supplies? COuld be have noticed that the pictures of squalid refugee camps have been replaced by pictures of neat rows of tents, and US soldiers unloading packages of food stamped with the stars and stripes?

Serbian TV showed pictures of homes damaged by a wayward missile attack launched by the NATO aggressors. But according to the refugees, the NATO aggressors are pussycats when it comes to destroying homes. NATO doesn't shell villages with tanks. NATO doesn't round up doctors, lawyers, and teachers at gunpoint, rob them, and then them to march across the mountains in their bedroom slippers.

Which brings us to the most telling piece of evidence. Solobodan Milosevic tells the Kosovars "Come back! Come home for Easter! What's left of your home has probably cooled down by now..."

But strangely, the Kosovars, voting with their feet, seem to prefer NATO's tents. And according to reports from correspondents at the refugee camps, just being an American there makes you a hero. 

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 SERB TV
Moved: 4/7/1999 6:58
CBS2-SERB-TV 4/7/99

Serbians are just misunderstood. This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

There is a Serbian press in America, and it is outraged -- at what it perceives is the one-sided coverage of the war in Kosovo, and the portrayal of Serbs as evil people.

And this is the gripe not just of the Serbian press, but of individual Serbs who have been corresponding by e-mail with Americans.

I've been trading some e-mails -- here's one I got this morning from Milan, who identifies himself as President of the Animal Protection society of Serbia "so you can count on my humanity" he says.

He calls the refugee crisis the "horror of the 20th Century."

But I am not sure, he writes, it is really happening without control. 

"My personal opinion is that it is forced by Kosovo Liberation Army to provoke international community to react against Serbs.

"Most things that happened are done by masked persons... You must admit that they are not necessarily Serb security forces. They would not have reason to hide behind masks."

So if Milan is right, NATO is in bed with terrorists. If he is right, it means that Albanian terrorists have tanks which they are using on their own people. Instead of using those tanks to go after the Yugoslav army, it shells the homes of fellow Albanians.

And here's an e-mail from Johan Mitic, who says he has 100% reliable information that 88 NATO soldiers, including 44 Americans, are missing in action.

And that it's being covered it up. So this would mean that the same America whose own Generals have evidently been leaking their private policy disputes to the Washington Post, is now covering up 44 casualties.

I guess the Serbian press IS misunderstood. I'M sure having trouble understanding it. But I will keep trying.

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 REFUGEES
Moved: 4/6/1999 7:12
CBS1-refugee 4/5/99

The ultimate weapon. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

If there was any question before, there isn't much now. NATO has to help all those refugees. You can argue that NATO should have known before it started bombing, but whatever the cause, they're human beings, and they can't just be left there.

I have a vision. It was inspired by a listener.

Right now we see pictures of refugees living in misery. But suppose we saw, instead, refugees living in comfort.

Suppose that instead of building temporary camps on the border, NATO started building permanent apartments. And roads. And schools. And ball fields. And coffee shops, grocery stores, bowling alleys -- in other words, a city.

Because what finally undermined East Germany? The presence of West Germany.

What's the most eloquent challenge to Castro's Cuba? Walt Disney's Florida. Even Castro wants to play baseball with us.

Well imagine if NATO set up, right there on the border, the free city-state of New Kosovo. Remember -- these are middle class refugees. Doctors. Lawyers Teachers. Accountants. It's Woodstock without the music.

Suppose NATO took the billions it would have to spend on the ground war that everyone's calling for -- the latest being Bob Dole -- and invested it in this no-man's land.

Suppose it were to become a Habitat for Humanity project gone wild!

-- So that soon, people would not be desperate to leave, they would be EAGER to leave. Even NON-Albanians might want to leave. And they too would be welcomed. On condition that they check their ethnic and religious resentments at the border.

New Kosovo might even get rich enough to buy back old Kosovo.

We will have to rebuild the place someday anyway. Why not now?

Now this.

This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 SEARCHES
Moved: 4/6/1999 7:06
CBS-SEARCHES 4/5/99

Those annoying technicalities. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Nobody likes crooks. And nobody likes seeing them get off on a technicality. Like an improper search.

And so after considering a case from Wyoming, the Supreme Court has ruled 6-3 to make it easier for the police to search cars. Under Monday's ruling, when police officers search a car for evidence against the driver, they can ALSO search the passenger's possessions. 

It's sort of a search one, get one free policy. As a result, the conviction of a young woman caught during a traffic stop with drugs in her purse stands.

Now this in itself isn't too threatening -- I mean, as a passenger you should know who's driving. If you're dumb enough to ride with a car with a guy with a syringe sticking out of his pocket, or a pillowcase full of twenties and a big orange splotch on his windbreaker, you deserve to be cuffed.

But in 1996 the Supreme Court said police can stop motorists for things like a faulty brake light -- even if the REAL reason is that they think you're growing marijuana in the trunk.

So combine that with Monday's ruling on passengers, and it means they can stop the car for a brake light, and then search the purse, the luggage, the tableware -- of anyone in the car. The nicer police departments will also vacuum the interior free.

Well, OK. I guess so. If it's in the name of crime control. I'm sure the police won't abuse it. "People who've done nothing wrong, will have nothing to hide." 

I have a little advice for you though. Before you accept ride with anyone, pat him down yourself, and check his brakelights.

Now this.

Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS LEADERSHIP
Moved: 4/5/1999 9:49
CBS-LEADERSHIP 4/5/99 1996 1996

Defining leadership This is Dave Ross. On the CBS Radio Network.

Last week, Senator John McCain called for ground troops. Today New York Times Columnist William Safire ridicules the NATO approach as nothing but empty pyrotechnics.

And in the Washington Post -- a story today about how American generals had doubts about the air strategy all along. They only signed on after NATO moved the goalposts closer -- and defined winning NOT as ending the ethnic cleansing, but merely as "degrading Serbian military capability." In other words, blowing up buildings, bridges, planes, and tanks. Success defined as "hitting the target."

Looks like another week of hand wringing -- trying to decide who's right. Heck we can't even agree on how to pronounce the name of the place we're defending -- first is was Kosovo, now it's Kosova... 

But you know what's strange is how the President is now being criticized for a lack of leadership by some of the same people who criticized him for having no moral compass.

If ever there was a war run on moral principles, this is it! 

The trouble is that moral principles tell us two contradictory things. Number one, that ethnic cleansing is wrong and must be opposed with more than pious words, and number two, you don't endanger American lives over a country whose name you've just learned to pronounce.

Therefore, you try not to kill innocent people on EITHER side.

You target empty buildings. You send bombs, not troops.

No, it isn't working so far. No it looks like once again the President is a slave to public opinion.

BUT IS THAT HOW YOU DEFINE LEADERSHIP? Sending in the soldiers when public opinion is NOT behind it? Or would that perhaps better fit a word like TYRANNY?

Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

cbs?gore
Moved: 4/2/1999 10:51
CBS?>GORE

Mottos -- "all the prosperity with none of the promiscuity."

Gore -- Sure he's dull but we need a breather.

Gore -- His kids are grown, so anyone can cover them.

By WILL LESTER
Associated Press Writer
WASHINGTON (AP) - Vice President Al Gore's campaign advisers are searching for strategies to deal with persistent problems that show up in public opinion polls: A majority of people aren't convinced he's a strong leader and many don't find him a compelling presidential candidate.
Advisers want to address those problems with a two-pronged strategy, letting the vice president tell his personal story to voters and projecting him as a leader - separate from President Clinton. They've already started on the first chore, but the job of differentiating Gore from his boss is trickier, given the popularity of Clinton's policies.
A senior Gore adviser, who spoke on condition of anonymity, says aides are debating how to make him look more presidential and how soon they have to start doing that in advance of the 2000 election. Some have suggested this be done soon to soothe supporters in light of Texas Republican Gov. George W. Bush's advantage in the polls.
They've been testing some approaches such as his small-scale initiatives to improve the quality of life for Americans in areas such as traffic jams and clean drinking water. He's also said he would expand on Clinton education initiatives limiting class size and providing preschool programs.
``All vice presidents have the advantage of that office in terms of being able to participate in the success of an administration,'' said Gore adviser Robert Squier. ``The problem comes when it's their time to step up. We're not quite there yet. We're more interested right now in dealing with the challenge of the primaries.''
Squier publicly dismisses head-to-head matchups that show Gore trailing Republicans like Bush and former Red Cross President Elizabeth Dole in the 2000 election, saying the two have famous names, but have taken few public positions on the issues.
``Vice presidents have the strategic problem of trying to separate themselves as independent of the person they've served with,'' said Charles Jones, a presidential scholar, retired from the University of Wisconsin who has been teaching in Oxford, England. ``President Clinton has tried to use him more as a counselor, but the things Gore has been in charge of are not exactly sexy. Reinventing government is not the kind of thing you'd see on a bumper sticker.''
The question of changing the public perception of Gore is tougher.
``I don't know if he's got the spunk,'' said Alvin Watson, 42, a machine operator from Saratoga, N.Y., and lifelong Democrat. ``He doesn't look like the type of guy that's like an everyday person. He looks very strict, a little stiff.''
The Gore campaign's strategy to connect their candidate with the voters is to share more about his personal background before his service in the Clinton administration. He now explains he's been a farm worker, journalist, businessman and Vietnam veteran and is soon to be a grandfather.
The circumstances should be ripe for a Gore candidacy. A Pew Research Center poll in February and an ABC/Washington Post poll taken in mid-March say a majority wants the country to continue in the same policy direction charted by the Clinton administration.
About two-thirds of Americans said in the ABC/Post poll they approved of Gore's character and more than half said he has a vision for the future. But he was 27 percentage points behind Bush in public perception as a strong leader in the ABC/Post poll. In the Pew poll taken in February, almost half said there was no chance they would vote for him, while about a fourth of respondents said there was no chance they would vote for Bush or Dole.
Gore says he will campaign ``door-to-door, family-to-family and one-on-one'' in Iowa and New Hampshire. Aides are working to get biographical profiles of Gore published in newspapers and magazines. They've counseled him to cut back on the jokes about his straight-laced demeanor.
Squier said it isn't easy for Gore to talk about himself in public.
``This is a process he's going through,'' Squier said. ``A very shy man is learning how to share himself with strangers.''
Vanderbilt University presidential scholar Erwin Hargrove said ``Gore has difficulty projecting warmth, which he does have.''
Annetta Giesmann, 80, of Sterling, Neb., voted for Ronald Reagan in the 1980s, but says Gore would make a good president.
``I think he would carry on what President Clinton has done, and the country's in good shape,'' she said. ``He's been vice president, and vice presidents never do much. Give him a year and he'll come across with his ideas.''

(Copyright 1999 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)

APNT-04-02-99 0015PST 
Index 

CBS2 UNDERTOW
Moved: 4/2/1999 9:48
CBS-UNDERTOW 4/2/99

The undertow. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Sometimes when you go to the beach, and walk among the tidepools, you're tempted to wade out. So you do -- keeping in the back of your mind the rusty sign that said something about the undertow. You keep glancing back at the shore, even though the sign was rusty. Even though it's overly cautious, certainly not meant for you, because you can swim, and you're not that far out, and just as you're thinking this, a trap door opens, and you can't keep your footing and suddenly you're trying to swim uphill, and the shore seems to be receding even though you're paddling toward it ...

And as you catch your breath and regain your footing you have a new respect for rusty signs.

Do you ever feel like that, opening the newspaper?

Everybody has an opinion about whether NATO's war is a good idea. But we're all glancing at the shore.

The New York Times says this will require great patience. There is no need to escalate. And if NATO decides to send in ground troops or bomb Belgrade, public opinion and Congress need to be consulted. Consulted. As if public opinion is a neat sober thing that emerges from the wood-panelled conference room of some law firm.

USA Today says after NATO assesses the bombing, THEN we will have to judge between invasion and retreat. As if retreat was an option.

Senator John McCain is the only politician so far to step forward and say what everyone's thinking. "Whether one initially agreed or not that we had a strategic interest in the Balkans," he wrote, "every American should realize that we have one now."

In other words, when you're a superpower, losing not an option.

In other words, we are in the Undertow.

Cross your fingers that the tide turns quickly.

Now this.

Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network 
Index 

CBS GENEVA
Moved: 4/2/1999 9:06
CBS-GENEVA 4/2/99

War by the rules. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

There's a reason that the Pentagon insists that the three American soldiers in Serb custody are prisoners of war. It's because prisoners of war are specifically protected under the RULES of war, as laid out by the Geneva Convention. 

Under those rules -- specifically Article 13 of the Third Convention -- "Prisoners of war must at all times be humanely treated." That means no torture. No medical experiments. In fact, the rules say -- this is in Article 15 -- that the detaining power, in this case, the Serbs, must provide free health care! A better deal than most of us get.

But the Geneva Convention protects more than prisoners of war. Actually, you might be surprised by all the protections in it.

Article 16, of the Fourth Convention: "The wounded and sick, as well as the infirm, and expectant mothers, shall be the object of particular protection and respect.

Article 33. "Collective penalties and likewise all measures of intimidation or of terrorism are prohibited. Pillage is prohibited.

Article 34. The taking of hostages is prohibited.

Article 39. Protected persons who, as a result of the war, have lost their gainful employment, shall be granted the opportunity to find paid employment. (It even discourages unemployment!)

And quoting the 1977 Geneva Protocol, Article 13 "The civilian population as such, as well as individual civilians, shall not be the object of attack. 

And Article 17: "Civilians shall not be compelled to leave their own territory for reasons connected with the conflict."

So in other words, not only do the rules say that those three prisoners of war must be treated humanely, but this ENTIRE conflict is completely illegal. So would you people just cut it out?

Now this.

Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS2 ZASTAVA
Moved: 4/1/1999 10:02
CBS-ZASTAVA 3/31/99

The human wall. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 

Perhaps we ought to dismiss everything coming out of Yugoslavia as propaganda, but a listener tipped me off to a page on the internet which must give NATO pause as it considers the bombing of Belgrade.

Zastava is a company in Yugoslavia that operates a huge factory complex in Belgrade. 38,000 men are employed there, making cars and trucks. 

And according to Zastava's web page, management and employees have come to a decision. They will not go home.

"We want to protect what has remained of our future," says the statement, in somewhat awkward English, "and therefore we, the workers of this factory and our management have taken the decision not even at the alarm sound to leave our factory workshops and go to shelters, but to remain in the production plants of our factories. This LIVE wall made of our employees, their families, and citizens ... shall be protecting the factory round the clock, seven days a week."

As if to dare NATO to bomb them, they even give the factory's coordinates. 

"We wish to inform your public that an attack on our factory, located in latitude 44 degrees North and 20 degrees and 55 minutes East ... shall mean a direct death to several thousand men who will all the time be present ..."

We can't be sure this is true. Even though there are photographs of the workers standing outside the factory -- we could tell ourselves that photographs can be doctored.

And we could tell ourselves that bombing this factory, even if it IS filled with sleeping workers, is no worse than what's being done in Kosovo.

But the real danger is that this becomes one of those wars where even the good guys have trouble sleeping at night.

Now this.

Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS1 TRUTH
Moved: 3/31/1999 9:51
CBS1-TRUTH 03/31/99

The truth is out of hand. This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

Truth is the first casualty in war. We get a report that an Albanian leader was executed, then another report he was not. We're told by NATO that refugees are fleeing ethnic cleaning, then Serbian TV tells us, no, they're actually fleeing NATO bombs.

Serbian TV even showed pictures of what were billed as time-delay bombs dropped on villages. To prove it, the correspondent was standing right next to one -- in a demonstration of what I can only describe as unnecessary bravado.

I expect this.

So that's why I cannot understand news dispatches like the one we saw from the Pentagon today. "The Pentagon," says the AP dispatch, "Is keeping a close eye on the dwindling supply of cruise missiles."

Now first of all, that we are not making anymore cruise missiles, a weapon upon which much of our diplomacy seems to depend, is surprising in itself.

But second, if it's true, WHY PUBLICIZE IT? Why tell the world? Why tell Milosevich -- "we're running out of weapons!" Instead the Pentagon should have quietly led reporters to a hangar filled with THOUSANDS of cruise missiles. A couple of years later Seymour Hersh would reveal in an exclusive article in the New Yorker that they were all made of balsa wood... but we're at war here! You don't reveal your weaknesses!

I also saw in the Washington Post that our new anti-missile system known as THAAD failed another field test. Missed the target missile by ten yards. It's now 0-for-6. And they don't know why yet.

We all understand the importance of telling the truth, but we're trying to look scary here. We're the big bad USA. The country that imposed McDonald's on a cowering world.

We can't go around telling people we're almost out of ammo.

Now this.

Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index 

CBS 1 KOSOVO END GAME
Moved: 3/29/1999 10:26
CBS-1-KOSOVO 3/29/99

Have they convinced you yet? This is Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network.

There is another battle going on besides the battle in Yugoslavia. The battle for your sympathy.

The polls show that American support for this war is right at the edge -- about 51%. And NATO commanders know that 51% is not enough if you're going to put troops on the ground. 

Which is what this appears to be coming to.

We were told today of executions in Kosovo. Teachers -- killed for being teachers. One of the negotiators -- executed. 60,000 refugees in Albania, entering at the rate of 4,000 people per hour. 280,000 displaced -- numbers that haven't been seen in Europe since World War II.

I know NATO says the strategy is to make Slobodan Milosevic negotiate. But how would that work? His whole careeer is based on whipping up Serbian nationalism. Kosovo is the ultimate nationalist symbol -- the Serbian Alamo -- and he's going to sit down and talk about giving it up? Now?

Is there a laser-guided hypnosis weapon we don't know about?

And there's something else. NATO has started talking about war crimes. War criminals will have no place to hide, NATO says. 

Genocide is a war crime. Milosevic is the guy ordering the genocide. Therefore, Milosovic probably figures that the next time he's in the same room with anybody from NATO it'll be to enter a plea, not negotiate.

He also knows this: there is already one Saddam Hussein who keeps going and going and going. NATO is unlikely to tolerate two.

All of this means that we will probably have to keep fighting until Mr. Milosevic meets with some sort of accident, or is deposed by his own people.

We have the troops. His bet ... is that we don't have the patience.

Now this.

Dave Ross on the CBS Radio Network. 
Index